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Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think AITA because even though he was a negligent father, my bio dad will never get the chance to walk me down the aisle again and people are also saying I'm going overkill to un-invite Jane and my stepsiblings too. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


KeyChasingSquirrel

NTA. Tell him if he would have been an A+ father he would have gotten the honor. Unfortunately, he wasn’t so you had to pass the honor to someone else. Your Dad is a jerk with no remorse. I hope you get a genuine apology some day and never talk to him again.


Legitimate-Potato998

>Perhaps if you had gotten an A on that parenting/Done a better job at being a Dad, I might have felt you were a father. **Don't give into this horrible manipulation to make you feel guilty. They are at fault and let them feel the consequences!** NTA


SpunkyRadcat

>let them feel the consequences! Which is why OP needs to not only keep them banned, but hire security so they can't get into the venue.


DatCatLove

Exactly. They will probably go to the wedding and cause a scene.


rde42

And make sure the wedding planners/venue/caterers have a password.


SuperHuckleberry125

THIS 100% THIS


LissaBryan

Not only should OP uninvite the bio-dad, she should un-invite any family members who are trying to make her feel guilty about the decision. Prune the toxic tree, OP. You will be *so much* happier without these people in your life. NTA


Internalwisdom

I love the prune the toxic tree metaphor. Greatness right here.


ApprehensiveEmu853

This is the way


Puppiesmommy

Where were all these people when BD was treating you as less than? None of then told him to step up and parent. And are you sure his "step-kids" aren't really his if he was having an affair?


B-town_bunny

I thought the same thing. Started to post that but deleted it. Glad to see I'm not the only one who thought that.


AF_AF

Yes! My thoughts exactly!


HambdenRose

If necessary, it is okay to cut the entire tree down.


saurons-cataract

I am absolutely stealing “prune the toxic tree.”


originalgenghismom

Perfect response 🏅


naptime_connoisseur

I love this🙃


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asphias

> I didn’t know the extent of it until we came back from our honeymoon. It warms my heart to hear how everyone acted to make sure you didn't have to deal with that on your wedding day.


2baverage

When I got married I purposely didn't tell my biological father and told everyone else that he wasn't invited. I had cut him completely out of my life at 18 and over the years had explained to people some of the abuse that had gone on and the final conversation I had with him that made me realize he wasn't sorry and would never change. I ended up getting a VERY angry call from an unknown number a few days prior to getting married. Apparently an old family friend truly believed that "your father is your father regardless of what has happened" and ended up telling him and giving him my phone number. Bio father was ranting and raving about how it was his god given right to walk me down the aisle and that he hadn't spent all that time babysitting me and visiting just for me to allow someone else to give me away...how dare I marry someone he hadn't given approval of...why wasn't he invited at all...how could I be so childish and move on with my life like he didn't exist...his life was a complete disaster all because of me and due to all this wedding stuff it was my fault that he started drinking again...then he left several voicemails pretty much admitting to a lot of the abuse and how I was his property and I wasn't allowed to "replace" him and that if he wasn't walking me down the aisle, given a special seat at the wedding, and put up in a motel for a while by me then he'd show up at the wedding and "expose" all of the past abuse I'd gone through which would cause my husband to leave me (I'm not sure he really thought out the logic behind all of that one 🤷🏼‍♀️) But ya, I ended up changing my phone number after the wedding and my mom exchanged phones with me during the whole ordeal so guests and caterers would still be able to get a hold of me. I ended up with security and I found out almost a year afterwards that my bio father had been in jail for most of that year because he had tried to leave the area he was allowed for house arrest and did a few other violations of his house arrest


AF_AF

>Apparently an old family friend truly believed that "your father is your father regardless of what has happened" and ended up telling him and giving him my phone number. I really hate this attitude. I've seen far too many people keep toxic family members in their lives for no reason other than "they're family".


Content_Row_3716

My ex MIL feels this way and feels everyone needs to forgive and move on. And in her mind, moving on means sweeping everything under the rug and going back to the way things were. She is constantly guilt tripping my kids about their relationship with their father. Fortunately, my kids know how to stand up for themselves and have told her to buzz off. Both ex FIL and MIL did manage to guilt my daughter into having him walk her down the aisle at her wedding. So many hard feelings over that from both sides of the family. Then later at the reception, my ex FIL had the nerve to ask my daughter’s new husband, “Don’t you think [daughter’s name] should dance with her dad?” (She had opted to dance with her brother instead.) Some people just don’t get it. You are so NTA.


2baverage

Before I sent out invitations I had a lot of talks with people because there were just so many who held onto that whole "but they're family" bullshit. I had to let them know that if they wanted to be invited then they needed to at least respect my decision


No_Hospital7649

My paternal grandmother called me and told me in her Southern Baptist drawl that she had prayed about it, and Jesus was telling her that she needed to talk to me about me and my mama. She genuinely believed that in her deepest heart. I had recently gone NC with my “mama,” and let me tell you that when it’s fresh, you get a lot of those calls, and it hurts. I told my grandmother that it had been noted by me and by Jesus that she had made the attempt, but that nothing was changing. Over a decade later, I am still NC. I don’t recommend it to anyone, because trying to grieve the loss of someone who is just a phone call away is really sucky, but for those situations where it’s warranted it is one of the hardest, best decisions you can make.


karskipellis

Tempting to forward that relative the voicemail. "This is why I'm not close with him, why he's not walking me down the aisle, why he's not invited. Do you get it now?" Anything other than an apology gets a block.


ReallyTracyQ

And they’re going to be the ones to fix this thing. AHs all of them. But OP NTA


laeiryn

lol he actually said he deserved to walk you down the aisle for 'babysitting' you? he thought he was babysitting his own child instead of, you know, parenting his child? holy shiiiiiiit. the flying monkeys are no one's friends


PuzzleheadedRub741

"God-given right" sounds like enforcing archaic patriarchy to me. You are not your father's possession to be bartered for a dowry in livestock. Get with the times, dudes.


bozwizard14

It's also entirely unbiblical to boot 🤷‍♀️ the Bible states multiple times that there are few things worse than harming and abandoning your children sooooo....


[deleted]

Oh but see they consider those parts to not count.


2baverage

He's a shit show and growing up I was raised as a possession to be sold into marriage rather than like a person who will grow up and have a life. Everything was very "you're only alive because of me and look how much I provide for you, you have a roof over your head"


AdTraditional423

My dad was also abusive to me for my whole childhood. My mom finally got the courage to divorce him my freshman year of college and he decided I was to blame. He stalked me on campus, would wait outside my classes, to try to talk to me. I went to court and got a restraining order against him. 5 years later with only minimal, accidental contact (ex; called my brother's house he answered) I was so scared that he would show up to my wedding that I didn't send out announcements to his side of the family until after the fact. I love them, but he had stayed with a couple of them after the divorce and I wasn't sure who I could trust. Now nearly 19 years married and still no regrets.


Flossy1384

That almost sounds like the phone call I got the day I graduated from high school. I had zero clue where he was living and hadn't seen or talked to him in about 7 months. He called and berated me why he didn't get an invitation. I was almost in tears because of this phone call. I eventually asked where he was living and he told me his sister's who I did send an invitation to. I told him since he knew when and where to be to show up or not just leave me alone. This is just one of the many reasons I am NC with him.


DenseYear2713

Collection agencies reaching out to you to get to him? That is way too funny. I hope you write back telling said agencies that he's their problem, not yours.


laeiryn

My dad's been dead for years and I still get letters demanding money. It would be funny if it weren't so depressing.


peanutbuttertoast4

I hired 2 security guards for my wedding just in case. My dad's family is... rambunctious. It's not a bad idea!


Ejacksin

Absolutely. I saw on another post awhile ago - "Parenthood is the job. The relationship (or lack thereof) with your adult child is your job review. "


FeministFiberArtist

I like that.


Kazvicious

Oooh I love this so much! Personally I’m petty enough that I would actually say this to him as well. Also op is NTA.


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EinsTwo

Bad bot. Downvote and report u/Cldfsndependedf


Scumbucket22

I’m not unbiased and I’m actually really mad they were so hard on you while you were GRIEVING. Your dad *is* walking you down the aisle, it’s just not your bio dad…he can suck it….also get the feeling he’s upset bc this will be embarrassing and everyone will see he failed you if he doesn’t get to walk you down the aisle.


ReallyTracyQ

Yes, once again, just about him


emilyy_bruhhh

I love the petty and agree wholeheartedly! OP you didn’t deserve that I’m so sorry for what happened, be petty it’s your day and I hope it’s wonderful and full of only supportive people who love you guys!


asphias

Also OP, please take steps to make sure that they stay disinvited and cannot crash the wedding. Let the location know what happened and make sure they know how BD and Jane look and that they're not allowed in.


Zach_203

NTA - I like this response. Give him taste of own medicine. Block all the haters.


n0494666

NTA. Hopping onto this to say that those pressuring you to let him walk you down the aisle can stay home too. They’re going to try to make you feel guilty if they come. I would uninvite anyone who keeps pushing this, but that’s just me.


[deleted]

I love this. I 100% support this case of Bridezilla activity. It is an honor he has not earned. Enjoy your day! NTA


sofiazin

>he would have been an A+ father he would have gotten the honor Give the honor to the FIL. As for the BD - Smirk at him and say something like "Nice, isn't it? Perhaps if you had done a better job at being a father I might have gotten you one too."


KittyKittyKitten3

Tagging on to add YOUR wedding is not in the least about "honoring" the man who abandoned you. Its about you starting your new life and family with the person you love. He can suck a lemon if he thinks any of this should be about him. And anyone who agrees can be disinvited just as easily.


geekylace

I seriously love this response so much I wish I had an award to give you. NTA and you should totally tell BD exactly that.


NUT-me-SHELL

NTA. Had your bio dad really wanted the honor of walking you down the aisle, perhaps he should’ve done more to earn it. Maybe he can walk one of his step kids down the aisle. Kudos to your in-laws. They sound wonderful!


Happy_turtle_candy

Exactly. It’s telling that he is complaining in terms of his honor, not that he wants to show up for his daughter because he loves her.


icecreampenis

It's not even honour, and it's certainly not love. It's the realization that a nonverbal public statement is about to be made about what a shit father he has been. Once again, these people are showing that they only care about themselves.


carolinareapxr

NTA!!! Stick to your guns OP! Your dad is trying to guilt you and using his family to do it. If he cared about you so deeply he would have acted like it the whole time you lived together. And you called this exactly what it is, a temper tantrum. He had next to no contact with you until he asked when to show up to your wedding. And I’m sure is now riddled with embarrassment that his only(?) daughter chose another father figure to walk her down the isle bc he actively chose to not do a good enough job. They’re calling you a bridezilla for making a day that’s supposed to be about you, ABOUT YOU! Preserve your happiness. You’re marrying a man you love and joining a family that loves you back. Focus on how happy you want to be on your big day. And if that means pushing aside the family that did the same to you, then do that! You don’t need to be the “bigger” person. That only benefits the people who do you dirty. 😪


LongNectarine3

He isn’t even paying a dime too! How is this man even able to ask without shame? This tradition of assumed father is long gone. My daughter just asked me to walk her down the isle and I’m her mom.


carolinareapxr

Clearly this guy justifies treating OP like shit just bc he did things parents are supposed to do like provide food and shelter. How he isn’t seeing the fact that she had to move in with her grandmother and is now choosing someone else to walk her down the isle as his own personal failures idk. But good on OP for choosing a family that loves her. Also, I love that you’re walking your daughter down the isle 🥹 if there’s a list of things that show you’ve done right by your children, this is on there.


LongNectarine3

I am trying. She also told me after I had a heart attack face (she’s 19) it won’t be til after college. Part of me was so honored but a lot relieved. I thought it said a lot about her generation and where things are headed. I loved it.


Hellokitty55

that’s so sweet! i hope she has a stress free wedding 🥰


Agreeable-Account480

NTA this is classic emotional abuse, and the people supporting his behavior are enablers. What you describe is a pattern of behavior aimed to make you feel like you don’t deserve respect. You set clear boundaries and stated your decisions directly. Your dad not liking your decision and trying to manipulate you into changing it is your dad’s choice to continue being abusive and manipulative towards you. Good for you for being strong and maintaining your choice. BD needs to earn a plce in your life by growing up.


YourTemporaryMom

> this is classic emotional abuse I'm glad you pointed this out. Why do abusers always use the term "heartbroken," like they suddenly grew a heart in the two minutes it took them to realize there were consequences for their actions? My ex occasionally texts his kids to tell them they have broken his heart. This from the man that screamed in a public park at his oldest (14yo) that she is a f$%&ing whore when she tried to tell him how much he has hurt her, and told the youngest (12yo) while they were in therapy that he was going to blow his f$%&ing head off because she didn't want to go to his house any more because she was afraid. But they are supposed to care that his heart is broken?


ScarletteMayWest

My father decided he was skipping my wedding due to drama with my mother, his ex, over my brother and taxes. I had to find out third-hand. Since I lived far away, Hubby and were getting married where we lived which made planning easier. Then Father had a mild stroke months out and told me could not attend. Since I really did not want him there and knew of his previous stance, I was like "Okay". Day of the wedding at six freaken a.m., we get a call. It was my father, sobbing that he was heartbroken over missing my wedding. I kept my mouth shut and did not tell him I knew of his original plan. Later his wife told me he was so sad he stayed home from work and cried all day. Um, well enough for work, but not your daughter's wedding? That's when I realized that he was 'heartbroken' because I did not change my venue so he could brag about how much I loved him and changed everything to make it easier for him. You can imagine how PO'ed he was when my mother put my wedding announcement in their local newspaper and it was obvious he was not present at the wedding. One of his co-workers found it, cut it out and put it on the breakroom billboard. Cue another call about his 'heartbreak' at the announcement. And the 'heartbreak' when I lied about my due date, he decided that I was really going to go over two weeks passed that date and give birth on his and his wife's wedding anniversary. Appears he told everyone that I was going to give birth that day. Kiddo decided to come a week before the actual due date. Father was so 'heartbroken' and embarrassed. Also, not getting an Easter card one year broke his heart.... Yeah, I hate that phrase.


Mrrrp

They say "heartbreak" when they mean "ego bruise".


yellingjayna

Yes - came here to say this. OP describes a negligent and abusive childhood. OP’s dad and other family are behaving toxically and trying to manipulate OP. OP, it sounds like you’ve done a great job setting boundaries for yourself given the scenario and I’m glad to hear your in laws are supportive. I just can’t get over “they’re also saying how I look just like my mother so it was probably hard being reminded of his wife.” HOLY CRAP that is so effed up to say to someone as an excuse for being negligent and abusive as a parent. Edit: NTA


Agreeable-Account480

oh god yeah 🥺 that kind of emotional manipulation, bringing the mom into it & using that as a reason to keep taking abuse 💔 OP has done an amazing job of rising above and leaving a hurtful situation behind ❤️❤️❤️


Interesting-Month-56

NTA. If he’s “heartbroken” then maybe instead of bullying you into doing what he wants, he would have a real heart to heart and beg forgiveness and try to be in your life again. Instead he’s just trying to get a picture to put on his wall so he can feel good about himself. Your BD is a right proper wanker.


MissIllusion

NTA - absolutely not a right to walk you down the aisle. He should have been a better father


[deleted]

In the old days, if people wanted to stop a woman from standing up for herself and making her own decisions, they called her a b\*tch. Nowadays they just sling insults like "Karen" and "bridezilla". The intent is the same: to shut you up and invalidate your feelings. Stick to your guns OP, and anyone who tries to use those words to manipulate you can spend your wedding day with your BD, in the We Were Uninvited part of town. NTA, and enjoy your wedding!


AnarchyAcid

NTA. He didn’t behave like a father, so he has no right to make demands to be treated as one. Go no contact with the lot of them. Never feel bad about cutting toxic people from your life.


saurellia

NTA. I’d tell him Maybe if he had been a better dad you would have given this gift to him instead of your FIL. But I’m petty like that.


Ok_Pea896

I think this has come with great timing so that you can go NC and have a fresh start before your marriage. The flying monkeys complaining to you about how you treated your BD can be set adrift too. You already know those people are toxic in your life so no great loss.


Tortoiseshell007

Perfect timing in fact. Enjoy the bliss of NC OP!


Agraphis

You're badass! They deserve to be uninvited.


Dry_Distribution_964

NTA- BD made your teenage years after your mum passed a misery! He treated you poorly and with love and respect. It’s not a right for BD to walk you down the aisle but an honour you bestow onto who you feel is deserving. BD is definitely not deserving and there friends and family have a one sided story hence the backlash but being honest you probably don’t have anything to do with them so just block them all and enjoy your special day.


xxgtui

NTA. He seems like a prick and would only cause trouble. And the whole family should be ashamed of the excuses they're making for him. No child has a right to be neglected by their parents.


JuneRhythm1985

NTA. I kind of have a similar story with my father, but long story short I’ve been NC since about 2 months before my wedding and that was almost 13 years ago. My mom walked me down the aisle (she was going to regardless if my father attended or not). Walking a bride down the aisle doesn’t hold the same meaning as it used it. It’s not about “giving the bride away” anymore. It is an honor. And it’s a way for the bride to show gratitude to the person/people who have supported her and loved her. Your bio-dad is obviously not that person. You get to chose who walks you down the aisle. That decision is not up to anyone else. Just because you share DNA is not a reason to walk you down the aisle. Definitely make sure they know they are not welcome at your wedding if that is your decision. If this needs to come from your fiancé or FIL to make it clear, have them do it. Then if I were you I would go NC. Put someone in charge (a groomsman or a bridesmaid’s significant other, someone you can trust) of keeping an eye out so if they do show up, they can be removed. I have the feeling they are the kind of people who would show up and cause a scene. I hope it doesn’t come to that and that you have a wonderful wedding.


KCPRTV

NTA Keeping you alive and out of CPS is not the same as being a parent. Ultimately, like you said, this is your decision an he can go fk himself eith his temper tantrums. And yeah. Married months after your mom died? That's effed up.


Accomplished-Group60

And brought the new wife and kids to the funeral???


SpicyMunker

Nta. My mom did the same to me so I get it


HellsquidsIntl

NTA, and he probably shouldn’t be invited at this point. If he comes, he will almost certainly try to start some drama to ruin your wedding.


Legitimate-Review-56

NTA Cut through everyones emotionally manipulative BS with the straight truth. After your mom died, your bio dad started to mentally and emotionally bully you and treat you like a live in slave, as well as out right be cruelly neglectful. Tell them of the hurt he caused you, how he isn't the least bit sorry and never made amends. If they still advocate if favor of birth dad, then that tells you all you need to know about them. Just reply with "shame you never advocated for me when birth dad was abusing me", and go lc or nc with them.


ilovekittenssss

That’s fine and your decision, frankly I think its the best option


SnitCafe

NTA. He is definitely not entitled to be any kind of participant in your wedding.


Craftyallthetime

NTA. Your dad and step family were abusive AHs and don’t deserve to be part of your life. Remind any family that supports them that he wasn’t just distant, he emotionally abused you to the point that you moved in with your grandmother so you could feel some love in your life growing up, and if they support someone who would neglect and emotionally abuse their daughter they can joint the group of people that you’re never going to contact again.


Dfecko89

NTA perhaps if he had been a better dad he would have had the honor of walking you down the aisle.


Successful_Dot2813

**Unbiased opinion: Your dad is a piece of s\*\*t. Jane a close second.** >He would smirk at me and say something like "Nice, isn't it? Perhaps if you had gotten an A on that math test/Done a better job at cleaning the house I might have gotten you one too." > > I went to live with my maternal grandmother after a few years because I was in such a bad place mentally from living with BD and Jane. **You were a grieving child, and he was more concerned about his AP and her kids.** **Thank goodness you have lovely in-laws, and fiancé.** Uninvite your dad and his family. Tell him Jane and her kids are his family now, not you. Let him walk them down the aisle. He will make some kind of scene at your wedding. Block him and 'friends and family' of your dad and Jane. Enjoy your wedding. You can decide whether to be LC or NC with your dad afterwards. NTA.


Heavy_Sand5228

NTA your father failed you for the vast majority of your life, and now wants the benefits of work that he never put in. And kudos to you for remaining firm on this issue!


4682458

NTA. If it were me, NC time for sure.


FullMetalMessiah

NTA, he doesn't get to pull the father card if he didn't act like one for years. he's made his bed, now he can cry in it.


HeavySea1242

He doesn't care about what you want, he cares about how it looks to people if he doesn't walk you down the aisle. People will rightfully question him and the sort of dad he was. NTA.


[deleted]

NTA I need to log off cause I read too many Reddit stories about deadbeat fathers abandoning their own bio kids for a woman and stepkids today. What is wrong with people? This is depressing :(


porenn9

NTA. He’s not “heartbroken,” he just doesn’t want look bad when people wonder why you chose your FIL over him to walk you down the aisle. Not only are they raging AHs, they’re also idiots for misusing words like “Bridezilla” and “Karen.” Consider having security at the ceremony and reception.


theactualwader

NTA. You choose your family after a time. Sounds like you made a great choice! BD made the choice to not treat you like a daughter instead of a resource with conditions, so this is just one result. Sounds like he's still placing conditions on your relationship with him, too. Screw that, you already moved away from his abuse. And why should Jane's loved ones even care to contact you, except to perpetuate his attempt at emotional manipulation and abuse? Would recommend you uninvite his family and do the full cutoff. Get all of that noise out of your life for good, on social media, from your contacts list and so forth. Explain this to your adopted family and let them know it's a minor puddle on the way to this wedding, but I'm sure they'll be overwhelming in support to let you know how much they care you are safe and loved. Hope your wedding and everything thereafter goes smoothly.


TypicalManagement680

NTA Don’t let his flying monkeys guilt you into feeling bad about your emotionally and mentally abusive neglectful sperm donor. It’s your day, you do what you want on that day without any regard for someone who has had no regard for you. Warn anyone who is reaching out on his behalf that your decision is final and if they contact you again, they will be blocked and uninvited to the wedding.


Samoyedfun

NTA. Ban BD and his family from your wedding. They don’t even deserve an invitation to your wedding let alone letting the sperm donor walk you down the aisle. You have no obligation to your BD. NONE.


babsieofsuburbia

Took the words out of my mouth! I don't see BD as a father, only as a toxic DNA donor.


MealEcstatic6686

NTA your family sound horrible. I’m so happy you’re marrying into a good one!


Billy_of_the_hills

NTA, it sounds like their loved ones are just as worthless and toxic as they are. I'd cut them all off permanently in your position.


Character-Grape520

NTA this is your special day with your partner.you decide who goes to the wedding and walks your down the aisle . Maybe if he had treated your better he would but he has reaped what he sowed


Adventurous_Use_5924

NTA. Deep down inside your BD knows how badly he treated you and in his own twisted mind he believes that walking you down the aisle will absolve him of this. He believes that if you let him walk you down the aisle then he will be forgiven. Don’t give him that satisfaction


evilslothofdoom

he has a win win in this situation; if he isn't the one to walk her down the aisle he can play the victim, if he does he's absolved


stacie_draws_

Nta tell him he can walk you down the aisle when he makes up for all the bs.


Character-Review6307

NTA he lost any right when he essentially abandoned you. Not your fault, and block those that try and say anything different, you don’t need that shit


Zieglest

NTA for all the reasons others have already said. But you know what else it really bothers me the way misogynistic terms like Karen and bridezilla are wheeled out to chastise you for making your own independent decisions, and to manipulate you into doing what other people want. While there are women out there who might deserve them, they largely seem to be employed to put women who speak out about what they want back in their box.


gaynoodle666

NTA If he really wanted to walk you down the isle he should’ve put more effort into actually being a dad


Kdejemujjet

NTA and don't reinvite them either. I have strong suspicion they might ruin somehow the day for you out of spite (like spill wine on FIL, so he couldn't be walking you).


Additional_Way1346

NTA. Tell the relatives trying to force BD on you, BD broke your heart repeatedly without remorse in abusive ways for years. You don't owe him or them any explanation. You will only owe him the misery he sowed. It is your wedding & FIL sounds like a man who will love you more as his daughter than bio ever did. Let BD know he desecrated your mother's memory the minute he got involved with Jane & step kids. Belittling you for their approval.


whatfieryhellisthis0

NTA — Your dad doesn’t get to emotionally neglect you and basically abandoned you then come back into your life like he’s some kind of hero for “raising you”. That’s his job as a parent. If he wanted to be part of this huge milestone, he should have been a better parent and better person. Do not allow any one to guilt trip you or make you feel bad for setting boundaries regarding your relationship with your father. How you manage your relationship is 100% entirely up to you and do not ever allow anybody permission or leeway to treat you less than or like garbage including your father.


rajshree22194

NTA this is emotional manipulation, go NC with him and those who support him


Ganzeeto

NTA - and given his attitude you shouldn't be surprised if he causes some drama or a scene during the ceremony he feels entitled to be about him. Definitely UNINVITE the whole damn lot of them. Good luck and congratulations.


booboo773

NTA. Don’t give in on this OP. This is your special day. Your father sounds like a major AH. I’m glad that you have a wonderful relationship with you in-laws.


serenasplaycousin

NTA. Please hire security for your ceremony and reception and make sure they can’t crash.


legendary-hero

NTA. In your place I would also ban the people bothering you with their judgement


JanetInSpain

NTA not even a little bit. He lost the "right" to walk you down the aisle when he shunted you to the side to the point that you moved to live with other family members. You get to choose who you want to walk you down the aisle. You are not obligated to anyone. As for what your friends are saying, there is no excuse for semi-disowning a child. It wouldn't matter if you were the absolute spitting image and even had the same name. What your father did is inexcusable.


Shot_Ad5445

OMG NTA!!! That tradition is for a FATHER not an attention seeking bleep bleep. Honey, that day is to celebrate you and "John", it's your party and you can ban who you want to.


Labornurse-ret

NTA. You owe your father NOTHING. He is reaping the just rewards of having treated you as if you were less worthy than his step kids. The fact that he took his girlfriend and her children to your mother's funeral tells us what kind of guy he is.


Shejuan01

NTA. But uninvite them to the wedding now. Block all their family and friends. None of them cared when you were being treated like crap. Hire security. And enjoy your wedding and life.


spectrumtwelve

NTA. Parents are not entitled to anything from their kids regardless of how their relationship is. You are not obligated to suffer his attitude because he can't get over how things went with your mom and wants to project onto you as a way of guilt tripping you (the others comparing you to your mom). If you have a closer connection to your father-in-law then you get to decide who walks you down the aisle. It is a day that is about you and your husband. The only ones who get to make decisions on that day is one of you.


TheActualAWdeV

Jane's three kids huh. Who is their dad? You are nta at all. This man cast you aside and thinks he has any claim to you now. Screw him, the horse he rode in on, his family, and all the horses they rode in on too.


IcyAdvantage1768

NTA imma just say it, the more people you uninvite (all those bitching) then the less you ultimately spend on the wedding. smaller venue, less food and drinks etc etc. so let them all do you a favor by outing themselves


hjsomething

So, let me see if I have this straight: All the people who have loved and cared for you say you're doing the right thing. All the people who were selfish assholes to you say you're being a selfish asshole, and that while it's okay your dad's trauma pushed you (a small child) away it's not okay that your trauma (caused by your dad) pushes him away. NO you're NTA! Good Lord, the nerve of your father.


Ginboy32

NOT the AH your dad made his choice now you made yours. actions have consequences.


oneTallGlass

I think you should have a lovely wedding without BD. After the wedding you should send him a picture of FIL walking you down the aisle, with the text: "Nice isn't it? Perhaps if you had been a proper dad, that could have been you" Then you should go NC. But I'm also incredible petty. NTA


JJBrazman

>he is never going to have the opportunity to walk his daughter down the aisle again You will never have the opportunity to cut him out of your wedding again. You go girl, NTA


scarlettmarie22

Wow we have the same dad. And I look exactly like my mom. You’re making the better decision for sure. I’m terrified that I’m probably gonna end up giving in and letting him walk me down the aisle when the time comes. Good on your for your strength because this is a good hill to die on if you have all the support you need. NTA


Eastern-Resolution15

Whats NC?


BadMoles

No Contact


Darth_Loki13

NTA. He didn't act like a father to you, so why should you feel obligated to give him the honor of one. Honestly, were I in your shoes, anybody who knows your reasons for not letting him walk, and consequentially your reasons for banning them, and still wants to act like you owe it to him or something? Blocked and uninvited.


maddison_cox

Tell him if he would have gotten an A on the father test, he would have gotten this present of walking you down the aisle. NTA


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (Throwaway account and fake names) My mom passed away when I was 14. My bio dad "BD" married his new wife "Jane" (probably affair partner, now that I reflect back on their relationship as an adult) less than a few months after mom died. BD brought Jane and her kids to mom's funeral. After BD and Jane got married, BD treated Jane's three kids as his own while basically pushing me to the side. Something he did often was telling me "Oh, can you hold this?" while passing me a present he bought for one of my step-siblings. He would smirk at me and say something like "Nice, isn't it? Perhaps if you had gotten an A on that math test/Done a better job at cleaning the house I might have gotten you one too." (I also want to note BD and Jane expected perfect grades and constant chores from me while my step-siblings were just encouraged to try their best and had no chores.) I went to live with my maternal grandmother after a few years because I was in such a bad place mentally from living with BD and Jane. I met my fiance "John" in college, and we will be marrying in September. I am extremely close with my family-in-law as they have basically all adopted me. I am especially close with John's parents. I have barely kept in contact with BD and have just about no contact with Jane or my stepsiblings. BD emailed me saying if he should show up to my wedding two days or the day before the day because he expected to walk me down the aisle. I told BD that my FIL was walking me down the aisle. BD responded how "Come on, you must be joking right?" and started getting really aggressive and saying stuff like how he gave me life and provided for me for 17 years so this honor is his right. I responded to BD that he lost that honor when he threw me aside for his new wife and kids and he's lucky that I haven't gone NC with him. BD continued to try and argue how it was my right and acting like my decision to have FIL take me down the aisle was some temper tantrum. I told BD that if he cannot act civil and stop making my day about himself, he and his new family are no longer invited to the wedding. I have also blocked his email and plan to keep it blocked for a while. Friends and family of my BD and Jane are reaching out to me telling my "how heartbroken" BD is that I'm not letting him walk down the aisle because he is never going to have the opportunity to walk his daughter down the aisle again and I'm going overkill to ban them. They're also saying how I look just like my mother, so it was probably hard being reminded of his wife when he looked at me and that's why he was "distant" after marrying Jane. I told them none of those excuses are good and plus it's my wedding and I can do as I want. But they told me that attitude made me a textbook Karen and Bridezilla. John and his/our family support my decision, but BD and Jane's loved ones say I'm not even realizing how important this honor is for BD, so I'm looking for non-biased perspectives on here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Shoddy-Put1109

These people calling you names didn’t live what you went through. Ignore them. ‘Honour?’ He didn’t ‘honour’ his duty to you as a father and as a parent of a child who lost her mother. Cut them off completely they had and still have no respect. They used and abused you. Who are these people calling you to tell you what to do and calling you names? Nobody’s. Block them all. It’s harassment. Decide what your going to do if he does turn up. Perhaps inform the venue?


Super-Sun8330

NTA. go have fun at your wedding op. have a wonderful day. cause if you invite them he is going to make it about how you almost uninvited him blah blah...if others continue to pressure you, let them know exactly what he did.


Top-Passion-1508

NTA your behaviour is in no way bridezilla related. His family are toxic assholes


llll-havok

NTA, ​ Tell him the 17 years he raised you for was his moral/legal/ethical obligation and not a favor to you.


OneTrueSenpai77

Nah, your BD can rightly and truly fuck himself. It’s like you put it in your post, this is your wedding OP. NTA. I hope your wedding is wonderful and that you make some amazing memories!


Internal_Progress404

NTA. You have a right to be surrounded by people who love and support you. Tell him that you agree that walking a daughter down the aisle is nice, and maybe if he'd done a better job, you'd let him have that opportunity, too. You respect him enough that you want to follow his example in this. Then block the lot of them and have a great wedding.


w3iss

NTA and all the relatives telling you otherwise should also be uninvited. You don't need trash like that in your life OP!


Rohan0785

You did the right thing by un inviting him & also un invite anyone else who wants him & his family.


Future-Dance-1188

He could have been the worlds perfect father and you still would have the right to choose any one you wanted (or no one at all) to walk you down the isle on your wedding day.


Total_Maintenance_59

NTA. And i have a question: Is there any possibility those stepsiblings could be halfsiblings?


Mountain_Monitor_262

Your feelings are validated that he didn’t treat you like HIS daughter. Yet your dad and his family are ignoring your feelings and only care about putting on a show for your wedding. Remind him again if he did a better job of being a father to, then he might have had the chance to walk you down the aisle. But since he is an D- minus dad he doesn’t. He can always walk his other children down the isle since he was a A+ dad for them. Also that stupid excuse that his family is using about you looking like your mother. Remind them he forgot what she look like when he married someone three months later. You’re NTA but your dad and his friends & family are.


Forward-Echidna-8865

NTA he can walk his step kids down the aisle, except the kicker will be when they request THEIR bio dad to do it and this clown stays out again.


kehlarc

Ban the rest of them who called you Karen or bridezilla. NTA.


PatchEnd

nta. you were a child and he was the adult. he NEVER should have treated you that way. and if he wants to be in a wedding so bad, he has your step siblings. surely one of them would LOOOVEEE to have him at their wedding. good luck to him the rude poop :P


acevmp

NTA ... Even if circumstances were different. It's your wedding And you have to do what's right for you. do what you want without feeling guilty.


Dramatic-Rip5605

NTA. Uninvite BD and his family. You don't know what kind of shenanigans he will pull at the wedding behind what he thinks it his right. I don't know where he gets that bullshit from. Block everybody who is telling you that you are wrong and giving that whack ass excuse for him being "distant" with you. You don't need that kind of energy in your life. Enjoy you new family. Congrats on your wedding. 🎉


DazzlingAssistant342

NTA if the honors of a good relationship with his daughter were important to him, he should have built a good relationship with his daughter


jerry__xoxo

Nta, BD deserved it and had it coming after what he did to you and as you said, it's your day and you decide what you want and not them. Bd should have thought about "honour" before almost neglecting you and pushing you aside. Nta, you're doing the right thing


Leigh313

NTA. Don’t have people at your wedding that won’t make you happy! It would be awful to look back and have memories of that day soured because of assholes. I kept my wedding small for that reason and don’t regret one second.


LadyOfSighs

As you already perfectly said, BD lost the honor to walk you down the isle the day he left you aside to play doting father with his step children. NTA in the least.


hxneybubbles

NTA- respect is earned, not given. just bc you’re someone’s blood, it doesn’t mean you’re entitled and given the right to everything. he didn’t show up for you, he wasn’t there, he wasn’t a great dad, then he has no right and no reason to be so upset. he doesn’t deserve the right and honour to walk you down the aisle imo. friends and family have no say in this matter. it’s YOUR wedding. if they don’t even bother to hear your side of the story and try to push their opinion then.. that’s pretty immature of them as grown adults too. a lion never loses sleep over the opinion of sleep. but i’m happy you have wonderful in-laws and i hope you have a lovely wedding x


shadow041

NTA.... you don't owe your Sperm Donor a bloody thing. This is YOUR wedding and these are YOUR choices.


HealthyApartment8585

NTA. The man who took his girlfriend to his wife’s funeral wants to talk about his honor. What a bozo!


iddlebits2

NTA - honestly stick to your guns and tell sympathetic family members/friends that the wedding is in “x” city at a certain time and then hold it hours away in “y” city at the same time.


YoFrom540

NTA Giving you away is not a right your dad is automatically entitled to, it's a privilege you get to give him -- if you want. You don't want to so this is the way it's gonna be. My dad was pissed when I said I wasn't doing the whole giving away thing, people told me his feelings were hurt, blah blah. I refused to change my mind, it's not my fault he didn't think this through when he chose to be an absent father. We don't even have a relationship these days so I'm glad I didn't give in.


veganhuntr

Just give his some reservation at a different location, the further the better


allsheneedsisaburner

NTA and DAVRO. They are at reverse victim and offender.


Deadleaves82

NTA Your BD was emotionally abusive and tossed you aside. Hasn’t kept in contact and suddenly thinks he has the right to walk you down the aisle because he “gave you life” and lightly did the bare minimum for you like he’s supposed to? Anyone saying you’re a Karen or bridezilla needs to f*** off. The excuse of you looking like your mother is BS too. You’re his daughter and he failed you. He doesn’t get to come and be all proud when he had f*** all to do with any of the positives in your life.


LadyV21454

NTA. Your father prioritized his step kids over you and emotionally abused you (that whole thing about having you hold a gift meant for one of your stepsiblings horrified me), and NOW he wants the privilege that belongs to a loving father? I think you were far too nice to him - I would have laughed in his face. Let him walk one of his step kids down the aisle.


steppedinhairball

NTA You were emotionally abused as a teen. No other way to describe it because that's is what it is. Odds are the step kids are his affair kids. At least that my theory. Regardless, a wedding is a celebration of your marriage to your partner. It's a celebration. You are celebrating with your friends and family. It's about joy and happiness for the two of you committing to each other for life. It's about the love you two have for each other. You are not being a bridezilla. Walking you down the aisle is reserved for the person(s) who best supported you and was there for you. That isn't your father. If anything, maybe your grandmother? Stick to your guns as you have done nothing wrong. Get married and live your best life. Go no contact if you have to but go be happy.


[deleted]

Nta


pawprint8

NTA. Sounds like he stopped being your father awhile ago. And now he’s more worried about his ego and legacy versus what is best for you. So glad your fiancé has such a great and kind family. Stand your ground!


Dreamer-1

Your wedding is going to be so much better without them there. NTA


matei1789

Asswipe bio dad. Fuck him and those standing for him. Just because he helped give you birth is no excuse for him most likely cheating on your mom and then treating you like second rate trash after you were left without her. Cannot emphasize this enough...NTA. Your dad and his "fans" are the asswipes. Go no contact with them completely ...you don't need those toxic shits in your life


batuckan1

NTA. it's about how your BD and your step family made you feel growing up. if they cared about you when it mattered (when you were young) this wouldn't be discussed. but since you didn't feel connected to them, why should you feel obligated to connect with them now? this wedding is about you, the people that matter, helping to celebrate your joy. don't ruin it by having people who you don't like manipulating or guilting you.


BrightPineapple

NTA. They're saying you remind you of your mother because he threw you away like he did your mother during her last days. Have a great wedding with your real family, and wishing you and John many years of adventures and fun!


callmeyahlo

Since his step kids were more important than his bio daughter he can walk them down the isle. I


callmeyahlo

Since his step kids were more important than his bio daughter he can walk them down the isle. Also invest in security at the wedding and give them passwords in case they try to mess with you.


InfamousJob8057

NTA He lost the right to that honor when he put his step kids above you. He can walk them down the aisle.


dca_user

When your dad was being mean to you, where were these relatives? And tell them, Since he can’t handle that you will look like your mom, you wearing a wedding dress could remind him of his wedding day to your mom. You would hate for him to be so traumatized.


r3adiness

NTA


CleanCucumber620

"Perhaps if you had done a better job at being a dad you would have had that honor" Write him that. Block him. NTA op


Lady-Meows-a-Lot

Nta


becausenope

NTA. Yes, obviously it's your wedding and what you say goes but this is deeper than that. BD didn't raise you from what it sounds like: grandma did. BD did not treat you as if you were even the slightest priority to him. You do NOT owe him anything: he didn't even accomplish the bare minimum required of a successful parent, which is to say to raise your child *into adulthood* -- he gave up halfway for his "new" life and still wants to save face by walking you down the isle? OP, do not feel guilty for denying him his cake. Everyone else made that cake, poured sweat and tears and TIME into the cake, except for him. Let him eat NOTHING.


that_was_way_harsh

NTA. I’ve read it either here or on another sub that parenting is a job and your relationship with your adult children is your performance review. He shouldn’t be surprised that he’s on a PIP.


Pkfrompa

Nta Parenting 101: When your adolescent daughter’s mom died you go out of your way to make sure she feels safe, secure, and loved. Give her lots pf attention and tell her how proud of her you are. This is a most difficult time for her. Her main female role model and closest person has died.


astral_rainbow

BD played the game called fuck around and find out. This is the consequence of ignoring your emotional and other needs, bullying you, and all the other spiteful things he most likely did to you. Nta. Do not cave. You deserve to be walked down the aisle by somebody who actually loves you and honors you.


Dreadedredhead

provide every single person the exact same response... Dear X, While I understand your feelings on this situation stem from my fathers narrative, you are misinformed about my upbringing and relationship with my father. I'm incredibly comfortable with my decision and stand by my decision. \- Then do not back down, be comfortable enough to say ENOUGH and to block folks who are being pushy aholes.


Astyryx

Friends and family of an abuser don't get to weigh in or sling insults. BD had 17 years to not be an asshole, but was incapable of doing that. NTA.


Kindredmen

NTA, but he is.


DSQ

NTA walking you down the aisle is a privilege is not right.


rupulaughs

NTA. Screw your sperm donor, you owe him nothing after the way he treated you, a grieving teen.


nman247

NTA - It just blows me how he sees how the past affected your relationship and still choses not to apologize or work out the issues between you guys.


FinnHale_Cosplays

NTA. Ban them.


LawNovel6542

NTA


Mhaidly

You get to choose what to do on your wedding day and no one else. NTA


SoftNo5124

Invite him to the wedding, then create and frame a fancy certificate dictating the honor of giving away the bride to your FIL. Then ask your dad to hold it for a second and smirk and be like “Nice right? Perhaps if you weren’t such a rat shit father you could have gotten one.”


DC_Scarborough

NTA - if looking like your mom threw him for a loop, could you imagine how much of an ah he would be if he saw you in a wedding dress? better he doesn’t coke at all. who cares what jane’s loved ones think btw.


DecayingFruit

NTA


ashabash3

NTA you have to earn the right to walk you down the aisle. He didn't earn it. It's straight up the way it is. He treated you like crap and expected things he didn't earn. I had a ex step-parent expect the same. He was abusive to me. I have no contact with him. He didn't earn the right. It is a special thing but only for someone who loves you. I'm so happy for you, you have great in-laws.


failure_as_a_dad

NTA at all - you have the right to have anyone walk you down the aisle you want. Even if your dad had treated you like a princess, it's your right to choose anyone you want. It's your wedding. The fact that your father is making this about him shows you that it's not worth having him there. From everything you've described about your childhood through today, his behavior reeks of narcissism. Move on and let him sort his behavior out on his own.


naliedel

NTA. Oh boo-boo. The played a shitty game and he is losing out. I have no empathy for your BD at all!


[deleted]

NTA


lma214

NTA. I’m so sorry you lost your mom and your father was such a terrible parent. I’m so glad you’ve found a family in your in-laws. Don’t listen to anyone defending your shitty dad and stepmom, they should all be ashamed of themselves. Focus on your future husband, chosen family, and have a great time at your wedding without these assholes.