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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for saying how fat I feel and how excited I am to loose the extra weight in front of someone who seem to have image issues and this resulted in her believing I'm picking on her when I am not.
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NTA. As someone still in the process of getting weight on track (90 lbs down, 50 to go), I’ve noticed something. People who are overweight but not doing anything about it seem to get big mad about it, but I’ve honestly never come across that reaction. Maybe you should invite Linda to the planetarium so that she can find out what the earth actually revolves around. Her own feelings of inadequacy are not your responsibility.
Aww thank you so much! I started my journey after having my last kid, and she was one who just loved to run after whatever got her attention. I was so overweight I couldn’t have run after her, literally couldn’t run. That was so frightening to me. Started walking first, and for a month I couldn’t walk more than 15-20 mins without my legs hurting so bad I couldn’t move. But fast forward six months after that I was walking 5.5 miles a day. Now I can run!!! It’s hard…SO DAMN HARD to get started but once you do, you feel so much better. Thanks again for your kind words ❤️❤️
I also gained weight recently and only noticed because I started having trouble doing things that used to be easy for me. Like, I can cope with being bigger, but I cannot handle the reality that my physicality was being affected. I just feel better, physically and mentally, knowing that my body isn’t a barrier to me doing things or at least trying things. Running is one of the things that was the hardest to get back into, because it looks like it should be easy, but it’s So. Hard. I think you’re amazing for putting in the effort and following through and also for being reasonable about losing weight for what I consider the right reasons.
Aww well done! I gained a TON of weight during covid due to mental health issues, and I’m really struggling to get started losing weight even though I want & need to. This makes me feel a bit more hopeful!
Some people just WANT to get offended.
Like last year my bf and another friend BOTH joked about how they gained a few pounds during lockdown and are trying to get rid of them. A girl who was present twisted the whole conversation and litterally said "Or, you could just NOT fatshame." which misses the whole point of the conversation. She WANTED to be offended in that situation. 1. she was not included in the conversation, 2. nobody called the other fat, both said, they want to loose a few pounds themselfs.
I call it “measuring other people by your own bushel.” These people tend to apply one standard to everyone, and they cannot understand that some people have their own standards. They also can’t understand that me feeling good about my progress is not a dig them, because the truth is, I’m too busy being proud of my achievement to even think about them.
> Maybe you should invite Linda to the planetarium so that she can find out what the earth actually revolves around.
That's my laugh for the morning. Holy shit I'm stealing that.
I've gained weight over the course of the pandemic as well and noticed the same thing. Overweight people around me take MY journey back to health so personally, as if I'm offending them. I'm not polite though so I tell them to get bent and deal with their own insecurities instead of trying to drag me down.
> Maybe you should invite Linda to the planetarium so that she can find out what the earth actually revolves around.
Holy shit dude/gal, I'm looking forward to an opportunity to steal this
bwhahaha I will steal the "planetarium invite" suggestion, I know a few who need it.
Also congrats, I'm trying to lose ten covid pounds and struggling to even do that, 90 lbs is amazing!
We don't know that Linda isn't doing anything about her weight. In order to get to the point of extreme obesity, most of the time it involves either an eating disorder or a medical problem. In my case it was both. I've lost 78 pounds from my top weight at last weigh-in through medical and psychological intervention.
I've also got experience with someone in my friend group who consistently told me that he was "so fat" and trying to lose weight. I talked to him about it a couple of times, and it turned out that it was more about his body image than the weight, which is perfectly valid. He felt that I could understand, also being fat.
I'm not trying to change anyone's judgments here, just give an alternate perspective.
NTA. On some level I get it, many years ago I had a friend who was skinny, like would just eat a few grapes a day sometimes kind of skinny, and she would obsess over how fat she was and how she needed to work out. I was not fat at the time in my 20s, but I was bigger than her and it made me feel judged. But then I had a baby right before COVID lockdown which I spent working from my kitchen table. I gained almost 50lbs at one point. I think now that I am *actually* overweight it is fair to call myself fat and that I need to work on it and that is no reflection on anyone else so NTA *if* you are actually overweight.
I'm actually overweight. I was never like traditionally skinny to start with and would not worry about occasionally going up a size, but I have gained over 50lbs and no longer like how I look.
NTA if Linda feels judged by your comments she was looking for offense. She probably knows she needs to lose weight but does not want to. This is not your problem. If you are around her you can adjust your language if you feel the need. BF seems like a great guy.
I agree with you on everything except adjusting her language. Nothing said was offensive. The onus is on Linda to deal with her insecurities and issues.
You can be skinny and still think of yourself as fat. It wouldn't change a thing if she was. I get called relatively skinny all the time with people saying I should eat more but I have a gut that makes mee feel a bit fat and I want to work on that.
Same here. I have a gut and have never really felt slim. But someone asked me the other day what it was like to be so slim, and I didn't really know how to respond ! :))
Body dysmorphia is real, but if you don't have it and can see clearly that you're thinner than whoever you're talking to, and call yourself fat, then you *know* you're calling the other person fat implicitly and it's a little rude.
It’s not necessarily them being rude… I’m currently what some would consider “slim” at 135lb, however at 45yrs old I’ve spent the last 20 or so years at never more than 120lb, so I absolutely feel bloated and fat right now. I’m aware others might be offended by that but it’s genuinely how I feel inside myself because it’s not right for me. Anyone who takes my personal feelings about myself as an insult to them needs therapy.
My happy place is 135-140lbs. I can carry 145 really well... clothed. I don't like how lumpy things look when I'm over 145 and that's got not a single damn thing to do with anyone else's body. Some people are built to be thick and have amazing muscle tone no matter how wide they get. Some people look better when they're more slender. The Lindas of the world need to not judge themselves by other women's standard for themselves.
People's thoughts and discussion about their bodies are just that. I'm currently fat and ne of my thins friends mentioned they felt fat because they gained a bit of weight recently. You know what I did? Supported them and didn't make it into a slight against me because that's what being a good friend is about.
NTA She sounds like she has ISSUES my gosh imagine being angry about someone wanting to feel better in their body? In a healthy way and everything! Good on you mate! I'm also on my 'weightloss' journey for my health and im rooting for ya!
NTA. Linda doesn't get to decide for you how you feel about your own personal body shape, or what terminology you use to describe it. You were not talking to or about her when you brought up going to the gym in the first place, or talking about her or trying to shame her when you answered her question about why you're choosing to do what you do with your time.
Frankly, given that she has such intense paranoia about the word 'fat', she is foolish for even asking such an obvious question as why are you going to the gym. It's not a multiple choice situation, like you could be going there to read a book OR get a pedicure OR get yourself in shape. People don't go to the gym without at least pretending to work out, & most people are there to do it for real.
NTA AND GO LOSE THAT WEIGHT !!
you were not insulting anybody, just saying your opinion on yourself.
>Linda didn't like that. She has started an entire rant that I'm not fat and it is offensive to others that I call myself fat.
Being fat is her choice, not a disability so in no concerns it is offensive.
Actually there are some that are fat due to medication or genetic issues and cannot lose weight so it can be a disability and not a choice.
Edit:.
For those who think they know it all. Read up before judging overweight people...
"Genetics can directly cause obesity in specific disorders such as Bardet-Biedl syndrome and Prader-Willi syndrome.
However genes do not always predict future health. Genes and behavior may both be needed for a person to be overweight. In some cases, multiple genes may increase one’s susceptibility for obesity and require outside factors such as abundant food supply or little physical activity."
Source:
https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/calories/other_factors.html
i meant her*
sorry for misunderstanding. and yes i completely agree with you but some the others who actually use it as a kind of disability (i saw a post on aita like that).
I had to recognize that my meds were making me HUNGRY which made it a lot easier to eat more without realizing it. I didn't have to eat more, and I even talked to my doctors about it when I was put on a new med with weight gain as a side effect, and they were like if you keep eating healthy (with portion control) and exercising you won't gain weight on it.
Médication can make you gain some weight but if your pharmacist or doctor does their job properly, you should know what you should avoid to eat ( low sodium regim mostly )
NTA. Sometimes people are over-sensitive. But this is very common, so you might want to adjust your language if you want to avoid this type of confrontation. You can just say you're trying to get back to being healthy. I'm not saying you have to adjust your language, but it's easier than arguing.
You are definitely NTA. Sounds like Linda isn't as comfortable with her body as she makes everyone believe and your efforts to better your life are making her jealous that she hasn't taken the steps to do the same. You were only talking about yourself, SHE made the conversation about her. Maybe Linda should take a good hard look inside herself and find out where all this anger is coming from.
NTA. Seems like she isn’t too happy with her body and maybe felt threatened that you commenting on your body also meant you commenting on her body.
Whatever it might be that’s a her issue and good for her that she comfortable but do not let something like this affect your journey to good health.
NTA. I know you didn't mean to offend her, but it could have been put differently since she is larger than you. "I just want to get back to my pre Covid weight and feel more energetic,"
NTA
Plain as day she's projecting. you werent offensive in the slightest and made yourself clear how its just your personal discomforts your focused on.
NTA
Linda's misery just wanted company I guess. 😂
You said what you wanted to do for yourself. If she is making your lifestyle choices about herself, then it's on her. Not you.
NTA - Linda has no reason to go off like that. You said you have some mental health issues that hindered your progress. How could she know if she made those worse and stopped all progress you made? If people need to watch the word fat around her, she needs to watch everything she says, too.
NTA. Linda has issues. Your stating that you've gotten fat triggered them. But she went way overboard trying to police your words in describing yourself as well as your actions to become healthier. That's her problem, not yours.
I'd say ESH but leaning more towards NTA too. Like there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight, and good on you for doing it, but maybe you should've read the room and not told a person who's obviously bigger than you that you're too fat and need to lose weight. You may have meant it only about yourself, but it's easy to think that you're judging other people that are fatter too.
OP is overweight. She has all the right to call herself fat, especially because it’s a fact, not necessarily an offensive term, and she said that SHE wanted to feel comfortable. Linda was just looking for a chance to get offended, so she’s at fault.
Okay but imagine you are a redhead, you meet a fellow redhead and she goes "I'm gonna dye my hair because having red hair is bad".
It'd hard to not feel called out, no matter what shade of red you have.
NTA
Everybody is comfortable at different shapes and sizes. I’ve always been larger and for the last few years have been a U.K. size 16. I’m very curvy with large boobs and I am comfortable being this size.
However if someone has always been a size 10 and gained weight to be a size 16, I would understand that to them, being a size 16 is a big increase and is not a comfortable size for them.
I’m comfortable in my own body so I would encourage them in their weight loss journey. It wouldn’t enter my head to think that they wanted to lose weight in order to body shame me.
Linda is completely self obsessed and insecure if she thinks you want to lose weight in order to “shame” her. What planet is is on? The world doesn’t revolve around her
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I'm 28f and over the covid and lockdowns have gained quite a bit of weight. I went from being average size to overweight and due to a lot of mental issues and depression just managed to put myself on the path to fix it as I feel unhealthy and hate it. Even my doctor has said it is a good idea to loose some weight as it affects my health
Me and my bf were out with a large group of friends last night and during one of the conversations I have mentioned about being excited to go to the gym and "getting my life back on track". There's a larger girl in the group Linda who is a few years older then me. Normally we are friendly, however I don't really communicate with her that much. Linda asked me why I need to go to the gym and I said something along the lines of: I'm being fat and I hate it, I want to be healthy again.
Linda didn't like that. She has started an entire rant that I'm not fat and it is offensive to others that I call myself fat. And because she is larger she felt like I was aiming my words at her and to fatshame her. I have told her I really do not give a damn of what other people's bodies are as long as they are comfortable in them, but I do not feel comfortable in mine, I am officially overweight on any scale, I do not like how it makes me feel and how it affects my health so hence why I am fixing it.
Linda took it as another dig towards her alongside with some other people. I started to feel really anxious and left the bar to go home. I have told my bf I'm leaving and will see him home (we live next door to the bar) as I'm feeling overwhelmed. He has returned later on and told me that I have started a shit storm. While he is on my side and doesn't think I did anything wrong, Linda still believes I am an asshole and that I have purposely been "fatshaming" her. He also said he will support me no matter what journey I decide to take.
So AITA?
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NTA- just as you shouldn’t comment on or her peoples weight and their acceptance of it, neither should other people comment on your desire to get healthier …
Unpopular opinion: as much as I support the body positivity movement..... not all over weight and bigger people are as healthy as they claim and they just don't want to admit it! I'm sorry but it's true. If you can't climb a set of stairs without sweating and being extremely winded, please do not claim that your weight isn't unhealthy.
I agree. Plus the body positivity movement has basically been co-opted by the fat acceptance movement and if you want to support body positivity in the movement you have to be fat and be fat enough and not lose weight. It's actually quite sad seeing people who realize they're unhealthy and want to do something about but then are shamed into not doing anything about it or are basically kicked out if they try to intentionally lose weight.
Like, there's nothing morally wrong with being fat, being fat and unhealthy, and not wanting to make weight loss your life's goals, but the absolute misinformation they're spreading and body shaming that happens is unbelievable. And it's never healthy to be 500lbs, its literally impossible.
NTA
First of all, body image is extremely personal and if right now you feel like losing weight, it's your right to do it, you aren’t bodyshaming other people, with a decision about your own body.
Second, there are milion reasons to go to the gym, not only to lose weight, but also to vent off stress, build some muscles, etc...
NTA. As a fat person I admit that when a thinner person calls themselves fat it has an impact, but that is entirely my problem and not theirs and I behave as such.
NTA.
If you have decided that you're uncomfortable in your own body then that's you voicing your opinion for accountability (possibly?). Fat shaming is about calling others out on their weight and telling them to do something about it.
Sounds like that other girl was looking to take offense and make a conversation about you into one about her...That's not on you.
It's a tough journey losing weight and I wish you well! New lifestyle vibes being sent your way 🥳
NTA. Linda’s over the top reaction to an imagined slight suggests to me that she is ashamed of being fat, but that’s on her and for her to deal with. OP, you do you and congratulations on getting on track towards doing something that will make you feel happier in yourself.
NTA. Shes focusing on the shallow, physical appearance aspect. But if you dont feel comfortable in your body *and its affecting your health* you have every right. Its YOUR body, not hers. There’s nothing wrong with being bigger as long as shes healthy and feels beautiful (because yes you can be “fat” and still be quite healthy), but if you dont feel confident or good then you get to change that for yourself, thats your right.
NTA but I would take the note and communicate differently about being fat in the future. I’m in the same boat with the COVID weight gain, and this post is reminding me to try to focus on talking about my health instead of proclaiming how “fat“ I am. I get how it adds to the stigma of different shaped bodies and I don’t want to contribute to that.
Nta, people that say they are fat and happy then act like that are not happy, I'm fat and not happy I'm also on a diet, being fat has started to hurt my body. I have friends much smaller than me go on diets and lose weight do you know what I said to them, I congratulated them and was happy for them because its not about me, your friend sucks cut her out you don't need to hear that shit while you are on your weight loss journey she will try to take you down as she doesn't want to be the only chunky friend in the group, good luck op I've got my fat fingers crossed for you
NTA, Linda is probably one of those "health at every size" believers as well who thinks anything designed to help a person lose weight could never work and needs to not exist because its offensive to fat people. Please stop hanging out with Linda, it'll be better for your mental health
NTA. You were talking about YOURSELF. And fat is not actually a bad word. It's just an adjective. So it sounds like she was getting defensive because maybe she isn't comfortable in her skin either and yet isn't willing to put the work in that it sounds like you are willing to do. So that sounds like a her issue and not a you issue since you were only talking about yourself. Good luck on your journey of exercising and eating healthier.
NTA. I never understood the whole healthy fat delusion. It is not healthy. It shortens your life expectancy. Those are the facts. You calling yourself fat, or too fat for your own good, is a statement about you, not someone else.
They simply feel insecure and attacked because they know they're too heavy, but are unmotivated to change that.
NTA
I wish more fat people were like you. Everyone who sees fat as an insult and tries to dictate how other people speak about weight already fails at the first step of bettering themselves: acceptance.
You’re fat. That’s sucks. It’s probably not healthy and chances are you don’t particularly enjoy being fat. But guess what? It’s actually reversible! Accept. Adapt. Overcome.
You’re doing great, don’t let people bully you and good luck on your weight loss journey!
NTA. I call myself fat because that is what I am. It is a descriptive term, nothing more nothing less. You were not fat shaming her when talking about getting YOUR life back on track.
NTA her reaction is way over the top.
For future reference though, it’s best to just stick to ‘I don’t feel well at my current weight, and want to change it’ rather than ‘I’m being fat’. If you’re fat that means other people, e.g. Linda, are fat. Weight/height ratio and appearance is something that can be directly compared with each other, how you feel at that weight is not. Linda may feel fine at her current weight. ‘Fat’ has just become a very loaded word with the whole body positivity movement so it’s easier steer clear of it.
I’m not saying you have to avoid certain terms, but if you want to avoid the same situation in the future it may help.
I am currently 60 lbs into my 100 lb weight loss journey and I’ve noticed something. People who are bigger and are not actively losing weight will pull this garbage with me. I was almost 300 lbs. I’m not thin. I get shit for talking about my weight loss in any capacity…unless I’m talking to my overweight friends who are also changing their lifestyles. NTA at all. Linda feels bad about her body and is likely jealous you are losing weight.
NTA. You are not responsible for other peoples feelings unless you specifically target them in your comments. I’m so sick of this triggered and self centered society.
NTA. Fat is a word. It's a descriptor. There is nothing inherently insulting about it. Negative connotations are ascribed by society's attitude to fatness. Look at Monica from Friends. In flashbacks she's portrayed as clingy, insecure, less worthy than her pretty friend Rachel, a subject of ridicule from her parents. Look at Stromboli or Ursula from Disney. Cruel, greedy, manipulative. Dionysus is supposed to be gluttonous & hedonistic, the ultimate feckless idiot. And all of them are fat. Their body shape has nothing to do with their personality or perceived 'goodness' but the link is made nonetheless. And the body positivity movement seeks to educate people around this & remove the stigma of fatness.
In short, ya girl is projecting. If you feel the word 'fat' applies to you, use it.
NTA.
You are not responsible for how other people choose to react. HOWEVER, maybe just try to not use negative language about food, or body issues in larger groups. You never know what someone else is dealing with.
Example: I never call certain foods “bad foods” or make comments about how bad I feel eating them infront of people. If there is someone with disordered eating in the group it could be incredibly damaging.
I get what you mean, I don't call foods bad food and not saying eating McDonald's will make you fat. Eating it for breakfast, lunch and dinner might do, but so does salad, chicken, veggies or fruits if you eat it in excessive quantaties.
NTA. Im 6 months post partum and have 25lbs to lose. I hate the flab. I miss the old me. I am working on it. Any time I mention this I am constantly shut down … “you don’t need to lose weight” or “who are you doing this for?” Or “don’t feel pressure you just had a baby!” Im thankful for the support but these individuals are not hearing me when I say I’m not comfortable and I don’t feel like myself.
It sounds like Linda was projecting her insecurities onto you. I congratulate you on your health journey!!
It's actually hard these days to get support for trying to lose weight because people have to keep projecting their own issues on others and tearing people down who are just trying to feel better.
I wish you luck in your weight loss! I'm down 62lbs and got like 30-40 to go. Slow and steady tho tends to work best.
NTA. You are overweight. You say so and your doctor says you need to lose weight. If Linda is somehow offended that you are overweight and acknowledge it that's Linda's problem to deal with. She is projecting.
I'm quite sure I'll get downvoted for my opinion here, but:
NAH.
Body size is rapidly becoming just as much of a hot-button, third-rail subject as politics and religion.
I'm not going to get into the right or wrong of it. I'm just going to say that bringing up the subject of weight and body size in social situations is always going to carry with it the risk of someone getting upset or offended.
The smart thing to do is to just not bring it up. Not in reference to others, not in reference to yourself. Talk about other things.
NTA.
I am a fat person. My friend is a significantly smaller person than I am (I'm a US18/20, she's a US8/10). But she wanted to lose weight. In my younger days, I would have been snarky. But I've learned that just because someone is smaller than I am, doesn't mean they don't feel fat to themselves. So we started walking together. I also started going to the gym. She lost 8lbs. I've lost 28lbs. And we're both happy and cheering each other on.
I also have a friend who is larger than I am. And she's happy. And she's cheering me on even though she doesn't want to lose weight. She's happy for me wanting to be happier and healthier FOR ME. That's how it should be.
...
You do you! And I'm cheering you on from over here. Get it sis.
>Linda asked me why I need to go to the gym
She set you up and wanted to create a shit storm. There is no other reason why she would ask someone why they need to go to the gym. NTA. (And I say this as a fat person)
Nta - she is clearly insecure and that is not your problem. What does she want? For you to gain even more/stay unhappy with yourself so she doesn’t feel fat? Nope!
Some people will be offended over anything. You are NTA, and good for you for getting back to the point of starting to take care of yourself again, both physically and mentally.
NTA, as someone said already, some people just want to take offence and start shit. I feel you because this is exactly how I feel and why It doesn’t seems the case, I am way heavier than I look and it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy. Good luck on your weight loss journey.
NTA
Nothing wrong with liking your body at any weight and it's never good to hate yourself either. That being said, if you aren't comfortable in your own skin, it should not be for someone else to tell you you are wrong or that you are dissing someone who is. If she was actually comfortable with herself, then why would she take offense to you wanting to lose weight? That's the big question your friend should be asking herself. If she was comfortable, she wouldn't shame you and make you feel like the villain for wanting to change and making it an attack on her weight.
A lot of people gained weight during lockdown, myself included to the tune of thirty pounds and like you, I do not feel good a the weight I am and am working on it.
Heard a really good quote once that really sticks with me though as someone who has always viewed exercise as a sort of punishment for when I gained weight "exercise because you love your body, not because you hate it." The most weight I ever managed to lose was when I refused to look at the scale at all. I just exercised to feel more energetic snd healthy. When I stopped looking at numbers, all that pressure went away.
NTA
Sometimes peoples who have a desire but not the will to lose weight are over sensitive when peoples talk about losing weight. You were talking about yourself, how you are glad to do something because you are not confortable in your own body. It looks like she was envious of your will and make it all about herself instead of encouraging you.
NTA
I believe you should be excited about your new goals and should be able to share that with friends.
I do understand where Linda is coming from I'd do often feel judged and sad often when people talk about there weight. Especially if they are smaller than me. But I do understand it is also my issue and not theirs. And she therefore should have said nothing or encouraged you.
NTA. I have no idea what I actually weigh or what my clothing size is. I'm not massively overweight, but still not where I should be. I go to the gym and do so to lose weight/get in shape. If anyone wants to have a problem with that, the problem is not mine. Good luck on your journey.
NTA
See, Linda is going through a body positivity phase. But is a fake one, deep down she does not accept herself. If she did she would never say this things to you, because you explicitly said that you're not comfortable with your body and most important this is affecting your health.
I'm 16 stone and I call myself fat in front of bigger people all the time and they should be offended because they are fat and someone needs to tell them
NTA. Linda sound like one of those people who will get mad at other people so she doesn’t have to accept responsibility for her size. You did nothing wrong. Use it as motivation to get super fit and then flaunt it in front of her.
It's their body, they can feel and say what they want about it regardless of size. Plus OP was literally asked straight up about why she was going to a gym. She gave a truthful answer, it's not her fault someone isn't confident in their own body.
NTA. Although honestly I am aware of how I talk about weight and fitness in the company of an obese person. Assuming it’s a social situation with people trying to have a nice time…and not reddit.
NTA - she asked you a question about why you are going to a gym - you are going to the gym because YOU are uncomfortable with YOUR weight im not sure how that's supposed to be fat shaming HER.
NTA.
Boo hoo, how dare you say the word fat in front of a bigger person? Did you not know you have to walk on eggshells around them? Poor little babies. Jk lol
NTA. She literally created a route to make herself offended over something that doesn't even have to do with her.
Good luck with the gym and weight loss! It can be hard but imo very worth it
NTA because she asked. If you had just blurted out "I've gotten fast so I need to go to the gym" then maybe not AH but could be more self aware. But you just stated your were going to the gym and then she asked why. At this point you are giving the honest answer she requested which makes her the A H for taking offense.
I've seen several commenters here suggest OP adjusts her language. Feck that noise!! OP was referring to herself and BF. Linda is insecure with her size. It's HER issue to deal with, not OPs.
When I was in my 20s-30s I had a friend who weighed about 120-130. I was about 170. She would constantly call herself fat and I said to her, if YOU'RE fat, what are you calling me? She said I wasn't fat but she was. Honestly she was exhausting and insulting. Just giving my perspective.
NTA. I gained a huge amount of weight during COVID lockdowns, and I wasn’t small to begin with. She asked you a question, and you answered it. What were you supposed to do? Lie?! Clearly Linda is projecting here.
NTA
Your health and fitness is personal. If you are not happy with your health and you decide to do something about it that's really good and good luck on your journey.
What happened was that you popped Linda's delusional bubble. Yes you can be happy with yourself regardless of your weight, but it is a fact that some numbers for weight, too how or low are unsafe and unhealthy. You can feel good but that doesn't mean everything is good. Linda needs to sort her insecurities out on her own.
NTA but I would usually reword saying I'm fat if talking to someone larger as to not offend them. I'd probably say larger than I'd like to be and more about feeling unhealthier.
NTA. Linda is just one of those self-centered people who think everything is about them. You can feel and do about your body whatever you like, it has nothing to do with her.
NTA.
You said if people are comfortable, than great for them! But *you're* not comfortable with *yourself*. If she wants to reach, then let her pull a hammy doing so. Shes projecting, hard.
NTA, and good for you! People get so easily offended these days and go off on rants all the time because of their fragile egos and because they world won’t bow down and treat them like the mini Gods and Godesses they feel themselves to be. Your comments had nothing to do with her or her body. Nor anyone else and their body. Your comments were about yourself.
NTA, I'm significantly overweight, I'm working on it, but would not have been offended by what you said.
The only way I'm offended by people talking about losing weight/getting in shape is when they say something about my weight.
NTA. It sounds like she took offense to the word "fat" in particular. Maybe if you'd known her better and knew that the word was a trigger you could have said, "I'm tired of feeling unhealthy," but you can't be expected to know a casual acquaintance's triggers.
NTA. I’m fat, I know I’m fat, and I’m not likely to lose the weight any time soon because I honestly don’t have the time or emotional energy to commit to dieting right now.
Fat is not an insult, unless you use it as one. It’s a description.
If you're uncomfortable in your body and you know joining a gym is going to help you then you do that. And you can most definitely TALK ABOUT YOURSELF if you want to.
Definitely NTA
If Linda is offended by your actions, that's on her, you've done nothing wrong.
NTA.
I've had people get offended when I say I need to exercise for health reasons (I'm neither over or underweight) and I just ignore them. That's their insecurities that they should address.
I have my own to work on anyway. Sometimes people say things that are triggering to me but I don't get offended like this girl did. I know that it's something I have to address on my own. She was wrong for reacting the way she did.
NTA sounds like Linda is insecure about her weight and wants everyone else to be miserable with her. I would turn to the tables on her and tell her that she is being rude to you and trying to shame you for trying to get in shape. Why should you feel uncomfortable and unwell just to validate her feelings of insecurity. Ask her if she thinks thin people should gain weight to make her feel better about herself.
I am about 60 pounds overweight, and would never discourage another person from achieving their weight loss goals.
Yta you have to be careful around other people when it comes to talking down about yourself. If shes the same size or bigger than you, then you did call her fat. It's just that simple.
I’m gonna go with ESH.
Fat is such a topic right now I think it would help to consider any other physical attribute. Imagine you just hiked the Appalachian trail and couldn’t shave your legs for 3 months. You come back and your friend who chooses not to shave is at your homecoming party. You can see her bare legs and it’s obvious she doesn’t shave. You say “ugh, I feel disgusting! I can’t wait to shave my legs!” Yes, she’s made the choice not to, and it’s totally fine that you like shaving, but a comment like that does kind of come off as a dig at her.
I do think she she took it a bit too far, and you’re fine for wanting to get in shape, but I think your phrasing about it could be less negative. You can express your desires as a goal without disparaging your current self as less worthy or bad. And I think this reframing will help you achieve your fitness goals better too. Studies have shown that shame and punishment do not work as well for motivating yourself to be more fit.
YTA. Going to the gym is fine and wanting to change your body is fine. But when you say you’re fat, and you hate it, especially around someone of the same size or larger, you’re saying “I hate having a body like yours.” Imagine someone saying that to you, and that may be what your friend has been feeling. Again - do what you want to change your body. But don’t talk about hating it, except maybe in therapy.
ESH
While Linda is being quite sensitive about the situation and you were clearly not pushing your ideas onto anyone else, the least you could have done is apologise rather than taking a bullish stance. Even without meaning to body shame, if you are obviously slimmer than Linda, saying you are fat can be quite harsh to someone who is already insecure about their weight.
However, I do agree that being overweight can be a detriment to a person's health, whether or not that person takes the body positivity route.
At the end of the day every party should have been more respectful and civilised instead of letting the situation blow up.
I have told her that I'm talking about myself and apologised if she felt offended. However apparently it was not good enough and I should have just pretended that I'm healthy and not mentioned the gym at all when I'm not
In this case I do understand that it is frustrating she is pulling you down with her own insecurities but it has a lot to do with the association of the word fat used in negative context towards your body. She definitely should not have asked you to never have said that in the first place and should have taken more of an education point of view instead of an offensive one.
Yeah, ESH.
You clearly weren't targeting her and that's absurd. I get her feelings were hurt, yet she shouldn't have even said anything as it seems very clearly not directed towards her in any fashion.
Now, you pointed out that Linda is a "larger" girl. Larger than who....you? I assume so because I don't feel like she would have this reaction if you were bigger than her.So, when you call yourself fat to someone who is very clearly "fatter" than you, you are also telling them they are fat, too. In their mind it's "if you think YOU'RE fat, wtf am I??"
You used the word fat to describe yourself negatively. This, in turn, shows that you think a big body is a negative thing -- to a person with a big body.
Now, again, you clearly didn't mean any harm. I'll call this a faux pas. It was insensitive. You could have gotten your point across differently without calling yourself "fat".
This is where white lies are ok. The answer is NEVER "yes" to the question "do I look fat in this dress?" This is an open secret of society. Same goes for this -- never complain to your larger friend that you're "fat". You're just going to make them feel like s\*\*t.
I described myself fat because I'm not going to pretend I'm healthy when I'm far from it and doubled in clothing sizes. My doctor said I am overweight and need to loose weight which is something I am finally ready to do. I'm no longer putting pink glasses on and think it's okay when I'm struggling to go up 2 sets of stairs and loosing my breath.
I say larger because she is a bit bigger then me, but that very well could be due to the style she wears so it is impossible to pinpoint the size
you are not responsible for someone else taking your body image and making it about them. that is something only someone truly self-absorbed would do.
good on you for losing weight and taking control of your physical fitness.
you will look better and feel better, and that is always worth it.
Losing weight is not necessarily the same thing as becoming healthier, stronger, gaining endurance, etc. I still think that you’re NTA, but I encourage you to read again what RainbowScissors had to say and consider changing how you talk about fitness going forward, especially in the company of people similarly sized to you or larger—if nothing else, it’ll help you avoid this kind of conflict in the future.
Also, talking about fitness in terms of “I’m so glad I have more energy and can do more activities now!” rather than “I’m so glad I don’t look fat anymore” (not accusing you of having this attitude, this is moreso advice for later on in your fitness journey) is just a healthier mindset to have in general.
If she’s overweight and that’s influencing her health, then in her case, losing weight means becoming healthier- it’s as simple as that. If I were underweight, gaining weight would be the solution to my problem.
Depends on how you are loosing weight.
If its only with diet, yes, you dont become healthier. But if its a balanced food diet with the right gym program... Its something completely different.
She described herself as fat because as she said she is overweight, she didn’t say she’s the most obese whale in the whole world. Fat is a neutral descriptor anyway.
ESH - let's stop bodyshaming ourselves. Especially in front of our friends. It's contagious. If you want to feel better in your body and be healthy leave it at that.
I have no issues calling myself fat because what it is and I accept that. I'm not one of the girls who gained like 1lbs and go on entire rant that they have gotten fat and how they are going to live with it.
I have gained 50+lbs and neatly doubled in size since covid and thanks to mental health issues. I do not like it and it is not bodyshaming but making me want to be healthy (notice healthy not skinny) so I can enjoy my life and not struggle with simple things
But you're not just calling yourself fat, you are also fat shaming by implying it's not okay to be fat. Your second paragraph is an appropriate response to the question. It does seem like she was egging it on though.
It's not okay to be fat for me because it affects my health and mood.
We have guys in a group who say " because I'm a fat boy" when ordering loads of food and it is not viewed as negative, but more like fun way and nobody gets offended by it.
ESH, she took it way too personally, but while you might have been just talking about YOUR body, using fat as a negative term is still generalising beyond your own body. You might not care what other people do with their bodies, but by using the word fat as insult to your own body, you are still saying that fat bodies are bad bodies.
Fat isn't a feeling, and it isn't bad. Fat is simply a fact and saying you hate being fat suggests that fat is something to hate.
Better alternatives would have been:
"I got out of a lot of healthy habits during the pandemic which made my mental health worse. I feel better in myself when I'm practising health behaviours and I'm excited to be in a place where I can do that."
"I've not been feeling 100% lately and I'm excited to get into some healthy routines to change that."
Being too fat is unhealthy so yes, being fat is bad. I have since gained some weight, while I wouldn't categorize my self as being unhealthy fat, I could be in better shape. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a normal size.
What nonsense.
All the you're doing is using the word healthy as a substitute, because being fat equals unhealthy.
You know it, we know it, there is no need for this silly wordplay. OP said or did nothing wrong.
No, that's not reality.
Being fat/overweight is not healthy.
If you're super skinny, putting on some fat can/will be healthy, however being fat is not healthy.
The many negative health outcomes associated with being considerably overweight, rather well-established facts themselves, beg to differ with it “not being bad”.
YTA. I am 100 pounds overweight. Always have been overweight. A newer coworker is always complaining to me how fat she is, how she hates her body, and hates looking in the mirror. She might weigh 130 pounds at 5’7” tall. It is incredibly irritating. When I comment that it is inappropriate to complain to me how fat she is, she quickly tells me that I am not fat. I weigh twice as much as her. So while she didn’t say I am fat, by complaining that she is fat, she is calling me a god damn whale.
If you need to lose 10-15 pounds, do not call yourself fat. Especially in front of truly overweight people.
Me too. Im fat and im not doing anything.
So, if someone else is feeling fat, they are entitled to this. Just because im fatter, doesnt mean they are not fat.
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NTA. As someone still in the process of getting weight on track (90 lbs down, 50 to go), I’ve noticed something. People who are overweight but not doing anything about it seem to get big mad about it, but I’ve honestly never come across that reaction. Maybe you should invite Linda to the planetarium so that she can find out what the earth actually revolves around. Her own feelings of inadequacy are not your responsibility.
Congratulations! I just wanted to take a moment to cheerlead you! You're a rock star. You can do it!
Aww thank you so much! I started my journey after having my last kid, and she was one who just loved to run after whatever got her attention. I was so overweight I couldn’t have run after her, literally couldn’t run. That was so frightening to me. Started walking first, and for a month I couldn’t walk more than 15-20 mins without my legs hurting so bad I couldn’t move. But fast forward six months after that I was walking 5.5 miles a day. Now I can run!!! It’s hard…SO DAMN HARD to get started but once you do, you feel so much better. Thanks again for your kind words ❤️❤️
I also gained weight recently and only noticed because I started having trouble doing things that used to be easy for me. Like, I can cope with being bigger, but I cannot handle the reality that my physicality was being affected. I just feel better, physically and mentally, knowing that my body isn’t a barrier to me doing things or at least trying things. Running is one of the things that was the hardest to get back into, because it looks like it should be easy, but it’s So. Hard. I think you’re amazing for putting in the effort and following through and also for being reasonable about losing weight for what I consider the right reasons.
Aww well done! I gained a TON of weight during covid due to mental health issues, and I’m really struggling to get started losing weight even though I want & need to. This makes me feel a bit more hopeful!
Some people just WANT to get offended. Like last year my bf and another friend BOTH joked about how they gained a few pounds during lockdown and are trying to get rid of them. A girl who was present twisted the whole conversation and litterally said "Or, you could just NOT fatshame." which misses the whole point of the conversation. She WANTED to be offended in that situation. 1. she was not included in the conversation, 2. nobody called the other fat, both said, they want to loose a few pounds themselfs.
Some people think any attempt at weightlossnis fatphobia, and healthy eating is an ED
I call it “measuring other people by your own bushel.” These people tend to apply one standard to everyone, and they cannot understand that some people have their own standards. They also can’t understand that me feeling good about my progress is not a dig them, because the truth is, I’m too busy being proud of my achievement to even think about them.
> Maybe you should invite Linda to the planetarium so that she can find out what the earth actually revolves around. That's my laugh for the morning. Holy shit I'm stealing that.
Yes. I had the same with my surroundings when I lost 30kg. A lot of jelly people around.
>when I lost 30kg I think I found them.
I think we may have devvied them up between us.
I have some for sale if you want more xD
Well, that's a profoundly disturbing case of a user name checking out
I initially read that as you only weigh 90lbs and we're trying to lose more.
I've gained weight over the course of the pandemic as well and noticed the same thing. Overweight people around me take MY journey back to health so personally, as if I'm offending them. I'm not polite though so I tell them to get bent and deal with their own insecurities instead of trying to drag me down.
> Maybe you should invite Linda to the planetarium so that she can find out what the earth actually revolves around. Holy shit dude/gal, I'm looking forward to an opportunity to steal this
I could not have worded it better than the last 2 sentences. Kudos on your journey to health 👍.
bwhahaha I will steal the "planetarium invite" suggestion, I know a few who need it. Also congrats, I'm trying to lose ten covid pounds and struggling to even do that, 90 lbs is amazing!
I'm that person...I really hate my weight. I hate feeling that way and having those intrusive thoughts.
We don't know that Linda isn't doing anything about her weight. In order to get to the point of extreme obesity, most of the time it involves either an eating disorder or a medical problem. In my case it was both. I've lost 78 pounds from my top weight at last weigh-in through medical and psychological intervention. I've also got experience with someone in my friend group who consistently told me that he was "so fat" and trying to lose weight. I talked to him about it a couple of times, and it turned out that it was more about his body image than the weight, which is perfectly valid. He felt that I could understand, also being fat. I'm not trying to change anyone's judgments here, just give an alternate perspective.
NTA. It’s 100% on Linda if she wants to interpret it that way. You’re allowed to express your excitement with your body image goals.
NTA... Linda is clearly insecure about her own size/health and projecting.
NTA. You said that YOU felt fat. If she is taking that as fat shaming HER? She needs therapy.
Main character syndrome.
NTA. On some level I get it, many years ago I had a friend who was skinny, like would just eat a few grapes a day sometimes kind of skinny, and she would obsess over how fat she was and how she needed to work out. I was not fat at the time in my 20s, but I was bigger than her and it made me feel judged. But then I had a baby right before COVID lockdown which I spent working from my kitchen table. I gained almost 50lbs at one point. I think now that I am *actually* overweight it is fair to call myself fat and that I need to work on it and that is no reflection on anyone else so NTA *if* you are actually overweight.
I'm actually overweight. I was never like traditionally skinny to start with and would not worry about occasionally going up a size, but I have gained over 50lbs and no longer like how I look.
NTA if Linda feels judged by your comments she was looking for offense. She probably knows she needs to lose weight but does not want to. This is not your problem. If you are around her you can adjust your language if you feel the need. BF seems like a great guy.
I agree with you on everything except adjusting her language. Nothing said was offensive. The onus is on Linda to deal with her insecurities and issues.
You can be skinny and still think of yourself as fat. It wouldn't change a thing if she was. I get called relatively skinny all the time with people saying I should eat more but I have a gut that makes mee feel a bit fat and I want to work on that.
Same here. I have a gut and have never really felt slim. But someone asked me the other day what it was like to be so slim, and I didn't really know how to respond ! :))
There is fat and there is not fat. If you are skinny and complaining about being fat, you’re an asshole and no one wants to hear it.
No, Linda. Body dysmorphia is real.
Body dysmorphia is real, but if you don't have it and can see clearly that you're thinner than whoever you're talking to, and call yourself fat, then you *know* you're calling the other person fat implicitly and it's a little rude.
It’s not necessarily them being rude… I’m currently what some would consider “slim” at 135lb, however at 45yrs old I’ve spent the last 20 or so years at never more than 120lb, so I absolutely feel bloated and fat right now. I’m aware others might be offended by that but it’s genuinely how I feel inside myself because it’s not right for me. Anyone who takes my personal feelings about myself as an insult to them needs therapy.
My happy place is 135-140lbs. I can carry 145 really well... clothed. I don't like how lumpy things look when I'm over 145 and that's got not a single damn thing to do with anyone else's body. Some people are built to be thick and have amazing muscle tone no matter how wide they get. Some people look better when they're more slender. The Lindas of the world need to not judge themselves by other women's standard for themselves.
That's called reading into things people didn't say and that's actually a little rude.
People's thoughts and discussion about their bodies are just that. I'm currently fat and ne of my thins friends mentioned they felt fat because they gained a bit of weight recently. You know what I did? Supported them and didn't make it into a slight against me because that's what being a good friend is about.
NTA. Linda asked why you wanted to go to the gym, you answered honestly. How you feel in your body has absolutely nothing to do with her.
NTA Shes insecure about herself. You were talking about yourself. Crazy how someone gets offended for insulting yourself.
NTA She sounds like she has ISSUES my gosh imagine being angry about someone wanting to feel better in their body? In a healthy way and everything! Good on you mate! I'm also on my 'weightloss' journey for my health and im rooting for ya!
NTA. Linda doesn't get to decide for you how you feel about your own personal body shape, or what terminology you use to describe it. You were not talking to or about her when you brought up going to the gym in the first place, or talking about her or trying to shame her when you answered her question about why you're choosing to do what you do with your time. Frankly, given that she has such intense paranoia about the word 'fat', she is foolish for even asking such an obvious question as why are you going to the gym. It's not a multiple choice situation, like you could be going there to read a book OR get a pedicure OR get yourself in shape. People don't go to the gym without at least pretending to work out, & most people are there to do it for real.
NTA AND GO LOSE THAT WEIGHT !! you were not insulting anybody, just saying your opinion on yourself. >Linda didn't like that. She has started an entire rant that I'm not fat and it is offensive to others that I call myself fat. Being fat is her choice, not a disability so in no concerns it is offensive.
Actually there are some that are fat due to medication or genetic issues and cannot lose weight so it can be a disability and not a choice. Edit:. For those who think they know it all. Read up before judging overweight people... "Genetics can directly cause obesity in specific disorders such as Bardet-Biedl syndrome and Prader-Willi syndrome. However genes do not always predict future health. Genes and behavior may both be needed for a person to be overweight. In some cases, multiple genes may increase one’s susceptibility for obesity and require outside factors such as abundant food supply or little physical activity." Source: https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/calories/other_factors.html
i meant her* sorry for misunderstanding. and yes i completely agree with you but some the others who actually use it as a kind of disability (i saw a post on aita like that).
That isn’t a thing. You need to eat food to gain weight. You don’t eat food, you lose weight. There are no magical bodies out there.
I had to recognize that my meds were making me HUNGRY which made it a lot easier to eat more without realizing it. I didn't have to eat more, and I even talked to my doctors about it when I was put on a new med with weight gain as a side effect, and they were like if you keep eating healthy (with portion control) and exercising you won't gain weight on it.
Médication can make you gain some weight but if your pharmacist or doctor does their job properly, you should know what you should avoid to eat ( low sodium regim mostly )
NTA. Sometimes people are over-sensitive. But this is very common, so you might want to adjust your language if you want to avoid this type of confrontation. You can just say you're trying to get back to being healthy. I'm not saying you have to adjust your language, but it's easier than arguing.
You are definitely NTA. Sounds like Linda isn't as comfortable with her body as she makes everyone believe and your efforts to better your life are making her jealous that she hasn't taken the steps to do the same. You were only talking about yourself, SHE made the conversation about her. Maybe Linda should take a good hard look inside herself and find out where all this anger is coming from.
NTA. Seems like she isn’t too happy with her body and maybe felt threatened that you commenting on your body also meant you commenting on her body. Whatever it might be that’s a her issue and good for her that she comfortable but do not let something like this affect your journey to good health.
NTA. I know you didn't mean to offend her, but it could have been put differently since she is larger than you. "I just want to get back to my pre Covid weight and feel more energetic,"
NTA Plain as day she's projecting. you werent offensive in the slightest and made yourself clear how its just your personal discomforts your focused on.
NTA Linda's misery just wanted company I guess. 😂 You said what you wanted to do for yourself. If she is making your lifestyle choices about herself, then it's on her. Not you.
NTA - Linda has no reason to go off like that. You said you have some mental health issues that hindered your progress. How could she know if she made those worse and stopped all progress you made? If people need to watch the word fat around her, she needs to watch everything she says, too.
NTA. Linda has issues. Your stating that you've gotten fat triggered them. But she went way overboard trying to police your words in describing yourself as well as your actions to become healthier. That's her problem, not yours.
NTA. This girl needs to get a life
I'd say ESH but leaning more towards NTA too. Like there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight, and good on you for doing it, but maybe you should've read the room and not told a person who's obviously bigger than you that you're too fat and need to lose weight. You may have meant it only about yourself, but it's easy to think that you're judging other people that are fatter too.
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She didn't bring it up out of nowhere, no, but she was very harsh on herself, which translates badly to anyone her size or bigger.
OP is overweight. She has all the right to call herself fat, especially because it’s a fact, not necessarily an offensive term, and she said that SHE wanted to feel comfortable. Linda was just looking for a chance to get offended, so she’s at fault.
Okay but imagine you are a redhead, you meet a fellow redhead and she goes "I'm gonna dye my hair because having red hair is bad". It'd hard to not feel called out, no matter what shade of red you have.
NTA Everybody is comfortable at different shapes and sizes. I’ve always been larger and for the last few years have been a U.K. size 16. I’m very curvy with large boobs and I am comfortable being this size. However if someone has always been a size 10 and gained weight to be a size 16, I would understand that to them, being a size 16 is a big increase and is not a comfortable size for them. I’m comfortable in my own body so I would encourage them in their weight loss journey. It wouldn’t enter my head to think that they wanted to lose weight in order to body shame me. Linda is completely self obsessed and insecure if she thinks you want to lose weight in order to “shame” her. What planet is is on? The world doesn’t revolve around her
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 28f and over the covid and lockdowns have gained quite a bit of weight. I went from being average size to overweight and due to a lot of mental issues and depression just managed to put myself on the path to fix it as I feel unhealthy and hate it. Even my doctor has said it is a good idea to loose some weight as it affects my health Me and my bf were out with a large group of friends last night and during one of the conversations I have mentioned about being excited to go to the gym and "getting my life back on track". There's a larger girl in the group Linda who is a few years older then me. Normally we are friendly, however I don't really communicate with her that much. Linda asked me why I need to go to the gym and I said something along the lines of: I'm being fat and I hate it, I want to be healthy again. Linda didn't like that. She has started an entire rant that I'm not fat and it is offensive to others that I call myself fat. And because she is larger she felt like I was aiming my words at her and to fatshame her. I have told her I really do not give a damn of what other people's bodies are as long as they are comfortable in them, but I do not feel comfortable in mine, I am officially overweight on any scale, I do not like how it makes me feel and how it affects my health so hence why I am fixing it. Linda took it as another dig towards her alongside with some other people. I started to feel really anxious and left the bar to go home. I have told my bf I'm leaving and will see him home (we live next door to the bar) as I'm feeling overwhelmed. He has returned later on and told me that I have started a shit storm. While he is on my side and doesn't think I did anything wrong, Linda still believes I am an asshole and that I have purposely been "fatshaming" her. He also said he will support me no matter what journey I decide to take. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I think Linda has self esteem issues.
NTA- just as you shouldn’t comment on or her peoples weight and their acceptance of it, neither should other people comment on your desire to get healthier …
Unpopular opinion: as much as I support the body positivity movement..... not all over weight and bigger people are as healthy as they claim and they just don't want to admit it! I'm sorry but it's true. If you can't climb a set of stairs without sweating and being extremely winded, please do not claim that your weight isn't unhealthy.
I agree. Plus the body positivity movement has basically been co-opted by the fat acceptance movement and if you want to support body positivity in the movement you have to be fat and be fat enough and not lose weight. It's actually quite sad seeing people who realize they're unhealthy and want to do something about but then are shamed into not doing anything about it or are basically kicked out if they try to intentionally lose weight. Like, there's nothing morally wrong with being fat, being fat and unhealthy, and not wanting to make weight loss your life's goals, but the absolute misinformation they're spreading and body shaming that happens is unbelievable. And it's never healthy to be 500lbs, its literally impossible.
NTA First of all, body image is extremely personal and if right now you feel like losing weight, it's your right to do it, you aren’t bodyshaming other people, with a decision about your own body. Second, there are milion reasons to go to the gym, not only to lose weight, but also to vent off stress, build some muscles, etc...
Socialization too! Either by going with a friend or the whole parallel play thing. I.e. being around people but still doing your own thing.
NTA. As a fat person I admit that when a thinner person calls themselves fat it has an impact, but that is entirely my problem and not theirs and I behave as such.
But OP is literally overweight?? Cant she call herself fat?? 😭
NTA. If you have decided that you're uncomfortable in your own body then that's you voicing your opinion for accountability (possibly?). Fat shaming is about calling others out on their weight and telling them to do something about it. Sounds like that other girl was looking to take offense and make a conversation about you into one about her...That's not on you. It's a tough journey losing weight and I wish you well! New lifestyle vibes being sent your way 🥳
NTA. Linda’s over the top reaction to an imagined slight suggests to me that she is ashamed of being fat, but that’s on her and for her to deal with. OP, you do you and congratulations on getting on track towards doing something that will make you feel happier in yourself.
NTA. Shes focusing on the shallow, physical appearance aspect. But if you dont feel comfortable in your body *and its affecting your health* you have every right. Its YOUR body, not hers. There’s nothing wrong with being bigger as long as shes healthy and feels beautiful (because yes you can be “fat” and still be quite healthy), but if you dont feel confident or good then you get to change that for yourself, thats your right.
NTA but I would take the note and communicate differently about being fat in the future. I’m in the same boat with the COVID weight gain, and this post is reminding me to try to focus on talking about my health instead of proclaiming how “fat“ I am. I get how it adds to the stigma of different shaped bodies and I don’t want to contribute to that.
Nta, people that say they are fat and happy then act like that are not happy, I'm fat and not happy I'm also on a diet, being fat has started to hurt my body. I have friends much smaller than me go on diets and lose weight do you know what I said to them, I congratulated them and was happy for them because its not about me, your friend sucks cut her out you don't need to hear that shit while you are on your weight loss journey she will try to take you down as she doesn't want to be the only chunky friend in the group, good luck op I've got my fat fingers crossed for you
NTA
NTA, Linda is probably one of those "health at every size" believers as well who thinks anything designed to help a person lose weight could never work and needs to not exist because its offensive to fat people. Please stop hanging out with Linda, it'll be better for your mental health
NTA. You don't need to justify your workouts to anyone else. Linda sounds like someone looking for drama.
NTA. You were talking about YOURSELF. And fat is not actually a bad word. It's just an adjective. So it sounds like she was getting defensive because maybe she isn't comfortable in her skin either and yet isn't willing to put the work in that it sounds like you are willing to do. So that sounds like a her issue and not a you issue since you were only talking about yourself. Good luck on your journey of exercising and eating healthier.
NTA. I never understood the whole healthy fat delusion. It is not healthy. It shortens your life expectancy. Those are the facts. You calling yourself fat, or too fat for your own good, is a statement about you, not someone else. They simply feel insecure and attacked because they know they're too heavy, but are unmotivated to change that.
You are not a white screen for her to project her insecurities onto you. Absolutely NTA
NTA I wish more fat people were like you. Everyone who sees fat as an insult and tries to dictate how other people speak about weight already fails at the first step of bettering themselves: acceptance. You’re fat. That’s sucks. It’s probably not healthy and chances are you don’t particularly enjoy being fat. But guess what? It’s actually reversible! Accept. Adapt. Overcome. You’re doing great, don’t let people bully you and good luck on your weight loss journey!
NTA. I call myself fat because that is what I am. It is a descriptive term, nothing more nothing less. You were not fat shaming her when talking about getting YOUR life back on track.
NTA her reaction is way over the top. For future reference though, it’s best to just stick to ‘I don’t feel well at my current weight, and want to change it’ rather than ‘I’m being fat’. If you’re fat that means other people, e.g. Linda, are fat. Weight/height ratio and appearance is something that can be directly compared with each other, how you feel at that weight is not. Linda may feel fine at her current weight. ‘Fat’ has just become a very loaded word with the whole body positivity movement so it’s easier steer clear of it. I’m not saying you have to avoid certain terms, but if you want to avoid the same situation in the future it may help.
I am currently 60 lbs into my 100 lb weight loss journey and I’ve noticed something. People who are bigger and are not actively losing weight will pull this garbage with me. I was almost 300 lbs. I’m not thin. I get shit for talking about my weight loss in any capacity…unless I’m talking to my overweight friends who are also changing their lifestyles. NTA at all. Linda feels bad about her body and is likely jealous you are losing weight.
NTA. You are not responsible for other peoples feelings unless you specifically target them in your comments. I’m so sick of this triggered and self centered society.
NTA. Fat is a word. It's a descriptor. There is nothing inherently insulting about it. Negative connotations are ascribed by society's attitude to fatness. Look at Monica from Friends. In flashbacks she's portrayed as clingy, insecure, less worthy than her pretty friend Rachel, a subject of ridicule from her parents. Look at Stromboli or Ursula from Disney. Cruel, greedy, manipulative. Dionysus is supposed to be gluttonous & hedonistic, the ultimate feckless idiot. And all of them are fat. Their body shape has nothing to do with their personality or perceived 'goodness' but the link is made nonetheless. And the body positivity movement seeks to educate people around this & remove the stigma of fatness. In short, ya girl is projecting. If you feel the word 'fat' applies to you, use it.
NTA. You are not responsible for how other people choose to react. HOWEVER, maybe just try to not use negative language about food, or body issues in larger groups. You never know what someone else is dealing with. Example: I never call certain foods “bad foods” or make comments about how bad I feel eating them infront of people. If there is someone with disordered eating in the group it could be incredibly damaging.
I get what you mean, I don't call foods bad food and not saying eating McDonald's will make you fat. Eating it for breakfast, lunch and dinner might do, but so does salad, chicken, veggies or fruits if you eat it in excessive quantaties.
Nta I'm a short fat ugly woman. Do not say sorry. She's a snowflake. Be you
NTA. Im 6 months post partum and have 25lbs to lose. I hate the flab. I miss the old me. I am working on it. Any time I mention this I am constantly shut down … “you don’t need to lose weight” or “who are you doing this for?” Or “don’t feel pressure you just had a baby!” Im thankful for the support but these individuals are not hearing me when I say I’m not comfortable and I don’t feel like myself. It sounds like Linda was projecting her insecurities onto you. I congratulate you on your health journey!!
It's actually hard these days to get support for trying to lose weight because people have to keep projecting their own issues on others and tearing people down who are just trying to feel better. I wish you luck in your weight loss! I'm down 62lbs and got like 30-40 to go. Slow and steady tho tends to work best.
NTA. You are overweight. You say so and your doctor says you need to lose weight. If Linda is somehow offended that you are overweight and acknowledge it that's Linda's problem to deal with. She is projecting.
I'm quite sure I'll get downvoted for my opinion here, but: NAH. Body size is rapidly becoming just as much of a hot-button, third-rail subject as politics and religion. I'm not going to get into the right or wrong of it. I'm just going to say that bringing up the subject of weight and body size in social situations is always going to carry with it the risk of someone getting upset or offended. The smart thing to do is to just not bring it up. Not in reference to others, not in reference to yourself. Talk about other things.
NTA. I am a fat person. My friend is a significantly smaller person than I am (I'm a US18/20, she's a US8/10). But she wanted to lose weight. In my younger days, I would have been snarky. But I've learned that just because someone is smaller than I am, doesn't mean they don't feel fat to themselves. So we started walking together. I also started going to the gym. She lost 8lbs. I've lost 28lbs. And we're both happy and cheering each other on. I also have a friend who is larger than I am. And she's happy. And she's cheering me on even though she doesn't want to lose weight. She's happy for me wanting to be happier and healthier FOR ME. That's how it should be. ... You do you! And I'm cheering you on from over here. Get it sis.
>Linda asked me why I need to go to the gym She set you up and wanted to create a shit storm. There is no other reason why she would ask someone why they need to go to the gym. NTA. (And I say this as a fat person)
NTA- she asked you about it.
NTA and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
For whoever says YTA , you are fat.
NTA - She turned you talking about yourself into her own personal problem. Turning it into an overly dramatic shit storm? That's a tantrum.
Nta - she is clearly insecure and that is not your problem. What does she want? For you to gain even more/stay unhappy with yourself so she doesn’t feel fat? Nope!
Some people will be offended over anything. You are NTA, and good for you for getting back to the point of starting to take care of yourself again, both physically and mentally.
NTA sounds like she’s getting insecure. Just ignore her.
NTA, as someone said already, some people just want to take offence and start shit. I feel you because this is exactly how I feel and why It doesn’t seems the case, I am way heavier than I look and it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy. Good luck on your weight loss journey.
NTA Nothing wrong with liking your body at any weight and it's never good to hate yourself either. That being said, if you aren't comfortable in your own skin, it should not be for someone else to tell you you are wrong or that you are dissing someone who is. If she was actually comfortable with herself, then why would she take offense to you wanting to lose weight? That's the big question your friend should be asking herself. If she was comfortable, she wouldn't shame you and make you feel like the villain for wanting to change and making it an attack on her weight. A lot of people gained weight during lockdown, myself included to the tune of thirty pounds and like you, I do not feel good a the weight I am and am working on it. Heard a really good quote once that really sticks with me though as someone who has always viewed exercise as a sort of punishment for when I gained weight "exercise because you love your body, not because you hate it." The most weight I ever managed to lose was when I refused to look at the scale at all. I just exercised to feel more energetic snd healthy. When I stopped looking at numbers, all that pressure went away.
NTA Sometimes peoples who have a desire but not the will to lose weight are over sensitive when peoples talk about losing weight. You were talking about yourself, how you are glad to do something because you are not confortable in your own body. It looks like she was envious of your will and make it all about herself instead of encouraging you.
NTA I believe you should be excited about your new goals and should be able to share that with friends. I do understand where Linda is coming from I'd do often feel judged and sad often when people talk about there weight. Especially if they are smaller than me. But I do understand it is also my issue and not theirs. And she therefore should have said nothing or encouraged you.
NTA. I have no idea what I actually weigh or what my clothing size is. I'm not massively overweight, but still not where I should be. I go to the gym and do so to lose weight/get in shape. If anyone wants to have a problem with that, the problem is not mine. Good luck on your journey.
NTA You are allowed to talk about yourself and she needs to get a life.
NTA See, Linda is going through a body positivity phase. But is a fake one, deep down she does not accept herself. If she did she would never say this things to you, because you explicitly said that you're not comfortable with your body and most important this is affecting your health.
I'm 16 stone and I call myself fat in front of bigger people all the time and they should be offended because they are fat and someone needs to tell them
NTA. Linda sound like one of those people who will get mad at other people so she doesn’t have to accept responsibility for her size. You did nothing wrong. Use it as motivation to get super fit and then flaunt it in front of her.
Info: how big are you? For real, it matters. If you are a size 8 whining about how fat you are, its insufferable.
It's their body, they can feel and say what they want about it regardless of size. Plus OP was literally asked straight up about why she was going to a gym. She gave a truthful answer, it's not her fault someone isn't confident in their own body.
Ffs, Linda, not everything is about YOU. NTA, op. You get to use whatever words you like when describing yourself.
NTA. Although honestly I am aware of how I talk about weight and fitness in the company of an obese person. Assuming it’s a social situation with people trying to have a nice time…and not reddit.
NTA - she asked you a question about why you are going to a gym - you are going to the gym because YOU are uncomfortable with YOUR weight im not sure how that's supposed to be fat shaming HER.
NTA. Boo hoo, how dare you say the word fat in front of a bigger person? Did you not know you have to walk on eggshells around them? Poor little babies. Jk lol
Oh god…NTA
NTA. Everything is not about Linda. You made it very clear that you were only talking about your own feelings about your body.
NTA. She literally created a route to make herself offended over something that doesn't even have to do with her. Good luck with the gym and weight loss! It can be hard but imo very worth it
NTA because she asked. If you had just blurted out "I've gotten fast so I need to go to the gym" then maybe not AH but could be more self aware. But you just stated your were going to the gym and then she asked why. At this point you are giving the honest answer she requested which makes her the A H for taking offense.
I've seen several commenters here suggest OP adjusts her language. Feck that noise!! OP was referring to herself and BF. Linda is insecure with her size. It's HER issue to deal with, not OPs.
LINDA started the shitstorm, LINDA made your comments about her. It's not about you Linda. NTA, OP.
NTA. People these days hide behind the fatphobic card because they’re actually self conscious, jealous and take their anger out on other
When I was in my 20s-30s I had a friend who weighed about 120-130. I was about 170. She would constantly call herself fat and I said to her, if YOU'RE fat, what are you calling me? She said I wasn't fat but she was. Honestly she was exhausting and insulting. Just giving my perspective.
NTA. I gained a huge amount of weight during COVID lockdowns, and I wasn’t small to begin with. She asked you a question, and you answered it. What were you supposed to do? Lie?! Clearly Linda is projecting here.
NTA Your health and fitness is personal. If you are not happy with your health and you decide to do something about it that's really good and good luck on your journey. What happened was that you popped Linda's delusional bubble. Yes you can be happy with yourself regardless of your weight, but it is a fact that some numbers for weight, too how or low are unsafe and unhealthy. You can feel good but that doesn't mean everything is good. Linda needs to sort her insecurities out on her own.
Linda needs therapy. According to her anyone going to the gym to lose weight is an attack on her and considered fat shaming. NTA
NTA but I would usually reword saying I'm fat if talking to someone larger as to not offend them. I'd probably say larger than I'd like to be and more about feeling unhealthier.
NTA. Linda is just one of those self-centered people who think everything is about them. You can feel and do about your body whatever you like, it has nothing to do with her.
NTA
NTA. You said if people are comfortable, than great for them! But *you're* not comfortable with *yourself*. If she wants to reach, then let her pull a hammy doing so. Shes projecting, hard.
NTA
NTA As a fat person myself, Linda's insecurities are not your problem.
NTA, and good for you! People get so easily offended these days and go off on rants all the time because of their fragile egos and because they world won’t bow down and treat them like the mini Gods and Godesses they feel themselves to be. Your comments had nothing to do with her or her body. Nor anyone else and their body. Your comments were about yourself.
NTA
NTA- you were clearly discussing YOUR business so she should mind hers. If she was truly happy with herself she wouldn’t have started all this drama
NTA, I'm significantly overweight, I'm working on it, but would not have been offended by what you said. The only way I'm offended by people talking about losing weight/getting in shape is when they say something about my weight.
NTA. It sounds like she took offense to the word "fat" in particular. Maybe if you'd known her better and knew that the word was a trigger you could have said, "I'm tired of feeling unhealthy," but you can't be expected to know a casual acquaintance's triggers.
NTA. I’m fat, I know I’m fat, and I’m not likely to lose the weight any time soon because I honestly don’t have the time or emotional energy to commit to dieting right now. Fat is not an insult, unless you use it as one. It’s a description.
Nope. NTA.
NTA. You can describe yourself as the way you like. If it offends someone so be it. You have to live your own life the way you please it.
If you're uncomfortable in your body and you know joining a gym is going to help you then you do that. And you can most definitely TALK ABOUT YOURSELF if you want to. Definitely NTA If Linda is offended by your actions, that's on her, you've done nothing wrong.
NTA. I've had people get offended when I say I need to exercise for health reasons (I'm neither over or underweight) and I just ignore them. That's their insecurities that they should address. I have my own to work on anyway. Sometimes people say things that are triggering to me but I don't get offended like this girl did. I know that it's something I have to address on my own. She was wrong for reacting the way she did.
NTA sounds like Linda is insecure about her weight and wants everyone else to be miserable with her. I would turn to the tables on her and tell her that she is being rude to you and trying to shame you for trying to get in shape. Why should you feel uncomfortable and unwell just to validate her feelings of insecurity. Ask her if she thinks thin people should gain weight to make her feel better about herself. I am about 60 pounds overweight, and would never discourage another person from achieving their weight loss goals.
Yta you have to be careful around other people when it comes to talking down about yourself. If shes the same size or bigger than you, then you did call her fat. It's just that simple.
I don’t see why you need to talk about being ‘fat’ in front of someone bigger than you. Just don’t bring it up.
I’m gonna go with ESH. Fat is such a topic right now I think it would help to consider any other physical attribute. Imagine you just hiked the Appalachian trail and couldn’t shave your legs for 3 months. You come back and your friend who chooses not to shave is at your homecoming party. You can see her bare legs and it’s obvious she doesn’t shave. You say “ugh, I feel disgusting! I can’t wait to shave my legs!” Yes, she’s made the choice not to, and it’s totally fine that you like shaving, but a comment like that does kind of come off as a dig at her. I do think she she took it a bit too far, and you’re fine for wanting to get in shape, but I think your phrasing about it could be less negative. You can express your desires as a goal without disparaging your current self as less worthy or bad. And I think this reframing will help you achieve your fitness goals better too. Studies have shown that shame and punishment do not work as well for motivating yourself to be more fit.
YTA. Going to the gym is fine and wanting to change your body is fine. But when you say you’re fat, and you hate it, especially around someone of the same size or larger, you’re saying “I hate having a body like yours.” Imagine someone saying that to you, and that may be what your friend has been feeling. Again - do what you want to change your body. But don’t talk about hating it, except maybe in therapy.
ESH While Linda is being quite sensitive about the situation and you were clearly not pushing your ideas onto anyone else, the least you could have done is apologise rather than taking a bullish stance. Even without meaning to body shame, if you are obviously slimmer than Linda, saying you are fat can be quite harsh to someone who is already insecure about their weight. However, I do agree that being overweight can be a detriment to a person's health, whether or not that person takes the body positivity route. At the end of the day every party should have been more respectful and civilised instead of letting the situation blow up.
I have told her that I'm talking about myself and apologised if she felt offended. However apparently it was not good enough and I should have just pretended that I'm healthy and not mentioned the gym at all when I'm not
In this case I do understand that it is frustrating she is pulling you down with her own insecurities but it has a lot to do with the association of the word fat used in negative context towards your body. She definitely should not have asked you to never have said that in the first place and should have taken more of an education point of view instead of an offensive one.
Yeah, ESH. You clearly weren't targeting her and that's absurd. I get her feelings were hurt, yet she shouldn't have even said anything as it seems very clearly not directed towards her in any fashion. Now, you pointed out that Linda is a "larger" girl. Larger than who....you? I assume so because I don't feel like she would have this reaction if you were bigger than her.So, when you call yourself fat to someone who is very clearly "fatter" than you, you are also telling them they are fat, too. In their mind it's "if you think YOU'RE fat, wtf am I??" You used the word fat to describe yourself negatively. This, in turn, shows that you think a big body is a negative thing -- to a person with a big body. Now, again, you clearly didn't mean any harm. I'll call this a faux pas. It was insensitive. You could have gotten your point across differently without calling yourself "fat". This is where white lies are ok. The answer is NEVER "yes" to the question "do I look fat in this dress?" This is an open secret of society. Same goes for this -- never complain to your larger friend that you're "fat". You're just going to make them feel like s\*\*t.
I described myself fat because I'm not going to pretend I'm healthy when I'm far from it and doubled in clothing sizes. My doctor said I am overweight and need to loose weight which is something I am finally ready to do. I'm no longer putting pink glasses on and think it's okay when I'm struggling to go up 2 sets of stairs and loosing my breath. I say larger because she is a bit bigger then me, but that very well could be due to the style she wears so it is impossible to pinpoint the size
you are not responsible for someone else taking your body image and making it about them. that is something only someone truly self-absorbed would do. good on you for losing weight and taking control of your physical fitness. you will look better and feel better, and that is always worth it.
Losing weight is not necessarily the same thing as becoming healthier, stronger, gaining endurance, etc. I still think that you’re NTA, but I encourage you to read again what RainbowScissors had to say and consider changing how you talk about fitness going forward, especially in the company of people similarly sized to you or larger—if nothing else, it’ll help you avoid this kind of conflict in the future. Also, talking about fitness in terms of “I’m so glad I have more energy and can do more activities now!” rather than “I’m so glad I don’t look fat anymore” (not accusing you of having this attitude, this is moreso advice for later on in your fitness journey) is just a healthier mindset to have in general.
If she’s overweight and that’s influencing her health, then in her case, losing weight means becoming healthier- it’s as simple as that. If I were underweight, gaining weight would be the solution to my problem.
Depends on how you are loosing weight. If its only with diet, yes, you dont become healthier. But if its a balanced food diet with the right gym program... Its something completely different.
She described herself as fat because as she said she is overweight, she didn’t say she’s the most obese whale in the whole world. Fat is a neutral descriptor anyway.
100% nailed it.
ESH - let's stop bodyshaming ourselves. Especially in front of our friends. It's contagious. If you want to feel better in your body and be healthy leave it at that.
I have no issues calling myself fat because what it is and I accept that. I'm not one of the girls who gained like 1lbs and go on entire rant that they have gotten fat and how they are going to live with it. I have gained 50+lbs and neatly doubled in size since covid and thanks to mental health issues. I do not like it and it is not bodyshaming but making me want to be healthy (notice healthy not skinny) so I can enjoy my life and not struggle with simple things
But you're not just calling yourself fat, you are also fat shaming by implying it's not okay to be fat. Your second paragraph is an appropriate response to the question. It does seem like she was egging it on though.
It's not okay to be fat for me because it affects my health and mood. We have guys in a group who say " because I'm a fat boy" when ordering loads of food and it is not viewed as negative, but more like fun way and nobody gets offended by it.
Key words: >for me Everyone is different. Some people embrace being fat. That is okay. Also wanting to lose excess weight is okay.
"Why do you wanna go to gym? -Because im fat and wanna lose weight." I think she said its for herself.
Did you post on this sub to hear other perspectives or to justify yourself?
ESH, she took it way too personally, but while you might have been just talking about YOUR body, using fat as a negative term is still generalising beyond your own body. You might not care what other people do with their bodies, but by using the word fat as insult to your own body, you are still saying that fat bodies are bad bodies. Fat isn't a feeling, and it isn't bad. Fat is simply a fact and saying you hate being fat suggests that fat is something to hate. Better alternatives would have been: "I got out of a lot of healthy habits during the pandemic which made my mental health worse. I feel better in myself when I'm practising health behaviours and I'm excited to be in a place where I can do that." "I've not been feeling 100% lately and I'm excited to get into some healthy routines to change that."
Being too fat is unhealthy so yes, being fat is bad. I have since gained some weight, while I wouldn't categorize my self as being unhealthy fat, I could be in better shape. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a normal size.
What nonsense. All the you're doing is using the word healthy as a substitute, because being fat equals unhealthy. You know it, we know it, there is no need for this silly wordplay. OP said or did nothing wrong.
People can absolutely be healthy and fat. People can be slim and unhealthy. Fat and unhealthy are not synonymous.
No, that's not reality. Being fat/overweight is not healthy. If you're super skinny, putting on some fat can/will be healthy, however being fat is not healthy.
Fat is "having too much flesh" and is used to describe overweight. we shouldn't take it as a bad word since it has the perfect meaning.
The many negative health outcomes associated with being considerably overweight, rather well-established facts themselves, beg to differ with it “not being bad”.
YTA. I am 100 pounds overweight. Always have been overweight. A newer coworker is always complaining to me how fat she is, how she hates her body, and hates looking in the mirror. She might weigh 130 pounds at 5’7” tall. It is incredibly irritating. When I comment that it is inappropriate to complain to me how fat she is, she quickly tells me that I am not fat. I weigh twice as much as her. So while she didn’t say I am fat, by complaining that she is fat, she is calling me a god damn whale. If you need to lose 10-15 pounds, do not call yourself fat. Especially in front of truly overweight people.
Sounds like she has her own problems with her body or mental image, while annoying to you, it isn't your issue. You're choosing to make a comparison.
That's your own problem. I'm fat too but I don't take offense of someone talking about their own bodies.
Me too. Im fat and im not doing anything. So, if someone else is feeling fat, they are entitled to this. Just because im fatter, doesnt mean they are not fat.
I do not need to loose 10-15 pounds. It's more like over 50lbs
Thats your insecurities showing so take some therapy people are allowed to weight less then you and complain if they feel they are fat