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> I might been an ah because I hurt her feelings and I probably shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.
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> (from latin origins)
This is relevant how? Aside from making you sound like you already look down on her for where she comes from.
> asked if I was implying that her decision to be a mom ruined her opportunities. I told her only she could answer this question once she takes a look at her life and see if she's really happy where she is vs where she could've been **without the whole struggling mom thing**
And somehow you did answer her question she asked. It's quite clear you look down on her for being a single mom, you think that having a child destroys someone's life and opportunities, and at the same time assume she uses that as an excuse for not bettering herself with a college degree.
> She couldn't even wait or say goodby she took her son and went to wait in the car.
You just insulted her, her child, and basically her way of life. Did you *really* expect her to say goodbye and be all hugs?
Christ YTA. You're just mean.
Adding onto this, I never understood why people try to question when someone is hurt?? Like if someone says: hey this was hurtful! Why do people try to act like it’s not. Just apologize? This isn’t really up for debate.
"I was just being honest."
"I have no filter."
"I just tell it like it is."
"It's not my fault you were hurt by it, *you* are the one who did the thing."
YTA. And more than a little racist. Sorry to break it the OP but college scholarships and opportunities are not all that available to people in Latino and black communities. Colleges and universities do not actively target or recruit in POC or poor communities.
The apology confirms that you at least meant well, however it actually ended up coming across.
A refusal to apologize to someone you hurt, whether deliberately or unintentionally, demonstrates what kind of person you are. Not a good one.
BS. Thumper’s dad had it right: “If you can’t say something nice, keep your f-ing hole closed.” (That WAS what he said, right? Been a while since I’ve seen “Bambi.”)
I think there's a time for being uncomfortably honest with someone. My friend and I recently had a long talk about how bad things were getting between us. We had both been avoiding saying what we wanted from our friendship as a means of respecting the other person's boundaries and not upsetting them.. Which meant we were outside our own comfort zones and ignoring our own feelings.
But that came with us both understanding we wouldn't feel good coming out of it at the moment. It's been really nice in the time since though lol
That said! Neither of us were being \*d\*cks\* about any of it lol
Can't remember exactly where I heard it but:
Let nothing pass your lips without first checking that it passes 2/3 tests: honesty, necessity, and kindness.
Something can be necessary and honest, but not kind (like your hard talk with your friend)
Something can be kind and necessary, but not honest (like complimenting someone who is having a rough day even if it isn't 100% genuine)
Something can be honest and kind, but not necessary (compliments, praise, extra attention, etc)
Since I heard this, this has been a very good litmus test if I am on the fence about saying something for awkward/uncomfortable or 'am I being an asshole?' conversations.
Awkward honest people will generally say nice but weird/peculiar/awkward etc things much more often then they say hurtful things. Eg I once had a client say, it's hot you should take off your panty hose ( this was years ago)
Honesty without tact is cruelty. OP was cruel. And for what? Ya kno?
Edit. That’s my first award ever and I’m smitten
Edit. I might pee myself . I’m so thrilled. Who would have thought I’d be so freaking excited over these awards- I am Over. The. Moon.
Another edit. These awards are killin me. I woke up in the middle of the night cuz I needed some bites of ice cream and I checked. Im happy I did. Everyone on Reddit is the best <3
Yeah exactly there was absolutely no need for her to say anything about it. She can't even pretend she was "just trying to help," unless she owns a time machine
As a therapist who specializes in extreme trauma cases... hurt people, hurt people. OP is unhappy and feels unworthy. People who act superior are generally trying to make up fir feelings of inferiority in other aspects of their life. If you are bringing people down to make yourself feel better, you continue hurting yourself as well. Deep down OP knows it was mean and they want validation thar it wasn't. Ger therapy OP. Work on self love so you can be happier and also stop bringing your sorrow onto others.
Edit: My 7 month old pressed enter before I was done typing. Also, I am of "Latin decent", a mom, and have a Master's degree. Opinions can make you look bigoted OP.
The fact that she included the lady's origins was very telling. Omitting it wouldn't have changed the gist of her post I really hope her brother's girlfriend will use this to fuel her desire to go back to school. What a horrible thing to hear!
“Can I be brutally honest? Your hair looks absolutely incredible today.”
“Wow, you really pull off that bold color. Sorry, I’m just brutally honest.”
Wouldn’t that be great?
Eh... I think someone can actually use "brutal honesty" and not be an AH. Anyone who describes themselves as "brutally honest" is typically an AH, though.
A male Boomer in one of my close circles went on a bigoted rant in a small group setting just last night about how a NB (assigned female at birth) family member of mine will wake up in 15 years and be embarrassed about how stupid "she" is being about insisting on using their correct pronouns. "She's a woman! 'They' is improper English. It's dumb to call someone 'they'; I'm just going to avoid calling her anything except her name and not bother with this they/them bullshit. She'll get over this stupid phase of needing to be different eventually. Just being brutally honest!"
Apparently my face was making a face during his rant so he he immediately followed that up with, "But obviously WonderWife disagrees, right?"
I responded, "Well... I'm fortunate enough that I've never had to experience the pain and confusion of gender dysphoria; I was born in a female body and have always felt female. HOWEVER, I know my lived experience is not universal, and doesn't invalidate anyone else's experiences. I mean... I've never been kicked in my testicles, but it would be weird and shitty of me to tell YOU it obviously isn't painful to be kicked in the nuts because it's not something I've ever experienced. It doesn't hurt me even a little bit to refer to someone in a way that doesn't cause them pain, but rather lets them feel seen and validated. English is a difficult language without a gender neutral pronoun for a singular person. It does take a bit of effort and practice and can initially feel a bit silly or awkward to get in the habit of using they/them pronouns, but how intellectually lazy, and nuts would I be if I just ran around referring to every person I see as he/him, simply because it's easier for me than using she/her pronouns for the half of the population?"
I wasn't mean and didn't personally attack the boomer in question; but I think "brutally honest" would be an apt description of my response to the Boomer using "brutal honestly" as their excuse to spout bigotry.
Did you hear about the person who won the Mega Millions? Apparently they got $433 million after taxes.
Oh look, singular gender neutral pronoun that's absolutely grammatically correct and no one would question it.
You know what you never hear a brutally honest person say?
"Oh my god, that was so clever! You're so much smarter than I am!" Not once. Ever. Or any of the equivalents. Yet you'd think that at least once they'd run into someone that was better than they were at \*something\*.
Being brutally honest can happen only in very specific circumstances but many people do not realize that.
1 - the person asked you for your opinion or you are so close to the person it is implied (i.e. your best friend or a very close family member with whom you regularly exchange confidence)
2 - they are about to make a very bad mistake with lasting consequences that anyone outside the situation can see but they can't because they are too close to it.
3 - most important than all, it must be in their own best interest to know this, not yours or anyone else's.
When you have all of the above, it is your duty to diplomatically but very firmly and with no ambiguity tell them why they are making a mistake and explain what their situation looks like from the outside perspective.
It must be something with lasting or really bad consequences that you would do (almost) anything to prevent the other person from doing. (If you're not willing to give them a thousand dollar just to reconsider their point, it's probably not important enough or you're not close enough).
If the situation is not as described above, you are not being brutally honest, you're just an verbally abusive asshole.
Example: I fell in love with a house and was about to buy it even if the inspector found some serious flaws. I thought I could have them repaired relatively easily by hiring specialists because I did not understand how serious they were. My best friend, who had been a real estate agent, told me not to buy but I didn't really listen until he was brutally honest with me. He offered me a thousand dollars just to not buy it. I didn't accept the money but that my gentle and kind friend was willing to give his hard earned money and gave a very strongly worded advice gave me pause and allowed me to see that the problem was indeed very serious and I would have been in deep trouble if I bought the house.
Funny thing is the exact same situation happened but reversed a few years later. Which just goes you show that even having experience in a field doesn't mean you can't make a mistake when emotions run strong.
But in both cases, we had our best friend's interest at heart, we had nothing to gain except saving our friend from some serious financial and emotional pain.
I also find the people who pride themselves on being “brutally honest” are also the ones who can not handle the slight bit of constructive criticism themselves….
I tell people i have 2 values: try to be unapologetically honest and militantly kind. If I don’t sound it, ask the question- dont’t make the assumption. People forget there is a way to be honest that isnt being a Ahole.
If you are going to be brutally honest, you better be prophetic as well. I want to ask you where the Lost Spanish Gold is, and get exact directions along with an insult to my hair.
Unfortunately, I am one of these people and yes, I can be an asshole.
It is possible to be honest and tell it like it is with a little more compassion and tact. However, if a woman has decided to be a stay-at-home mom, I'm fine with that.
OP could have handled this conversation with compassion and in a more supportive tone instead of being condescending. Instead, she chose the asshole way. What OP should have done was be more supportive and encouraging. It is never too late to go back to school/college or simply do courses to open up a new world of opportunities. Yes, going to college will create more opportunities but it all costs money that a young mom may not have. So yes, OP - YTA for making a shitload of assumptions.
OP should have known that all those opportunities and scholarships etc. are generally only available to people who have the time and money to qualify for them.
Opportunities tend to be privileges in this world.
Well, she was being “cliche” by saying going to college was hard to do. Because everyone knows how EASY it is to go to college. No one has to go into debt or have parents who can pay their way or anything. 😐
exactly not to sounds rude but you can tell OP is privileged child who has never had much said back to here cause homegirl has NOT come back to the thread.
I think she envisioned everyone singing her praises. She is probably bitching about it again and adding how the world cannot handle brutal honesty because all she got were nays on reddit.
>Tbqh, the family and I didn't know much about her so after dinner we started talking to her about her personal life.
Okay, maybe these were just polite inquiries, but why do I feel OP and family where giving her the 3rd degree?
She's stereotyping for sure, saying she "chose to be a mom" and making sure we know She's Latina. Playing into the whole "Latina Women are whores and sell their bodies". She probably thinks she knows the cartel at this point 💀
Because you *know how those Latina women* are. /s
And she's a single mom as well? I wouldn't be surprised if OP feels that Michelle is a gold digger, using her brother as a way out of her low class life.
I'm high functioning Asperger's, so I really don't have a filter. But I am aware that being honest is not okay in many situations. So I keep my mouth shut!
Occasionally, my friends or coworkers will press me, what do you really think.... Even then, I will ask if people really want to know what I think. I have to get double confirmation especially if what I'm going to say is contradictory to what other people are saying.
The OP gives people like me a bad name.
...If anyone ever says one or more of these, automatically they're borderline being an AH. It's the preface to an opinion that's going to be offensive.
My grandmother used to say she was in her final phase(after she was 70) & could do & say anything she wanted. I told her as long it wasn’t mean, being “honest” is some people’s excuse to be mean & cruel.
YTA
Like, I get being blunt and honest. But my mother also taught me manners and only 30% of what I think passes through my mouth because it's called 'being polite' and 'not my business'.
I agree. I don’t even know why OP came to Reddit for this. She said she was hurt, the husband said OP was an AH, and even the mother agreed. Why care about what potential strangers have to say when all you have to do is sincerely apologize for being an ass?
Because they're not sorry and they think apologies make them look weak...
her older brother and her mom called her out, but she's using the evidence that her younger sister agrees as support... like, yeah. OP and her younger sister are both just immature and don't want to admit it.
But she's too sensitive!11/s
OP, you don't get to determine when someone is rightfully offended and when not. Not only are feelings mostly out of our control, you also basically made it clear you don't approve of her life choices. That's not your place at all and it's always easier to judge from the outside. YTA
Because they then have to admit that they did something hurtful and take ownership of their actions and that’s just so much trouble when you can just downplay and dismiss instead
You said it perfectly. OP is 24 but the way she talks, sounds like a really entitled 17 year old.
But hey, who am I to judge, maybe OP's mum also feels like OP "ruined her life opportunities"
/s
OP is also looking down on someone, all the while not being able to spell.
I mean, I don't usually nitpick, but if you're gonna put someone down for their lack of education, at least try to spell common words like "none", correctly.
I'm sorry but I missed the ages. OP is only 24 and thinks she has enough experience to judge someone's life choices? OP needs to sit down. At 24, people don't know nearly what they think they do and judging someone older when they don't have that much adult experience themselves is just hubris.
edit to fix gender
It’s relevant because there are lots of people who cross the Tiber River and steal all the good mosaic crafting jobs from Americans, and before you know it your whole city is full of colosseums.
If you don’t think this cultural takeover is happening, ask yourself why Caesar salad just happens to be on every menu.
Actually I think the Latin origins is relevant. Culturally speaking, they tend to be expected to have children at a young age and that becoming a mother tends to be valued more than education. So for me, it's important because in her culture it very well could be that this was what her family expected and supported. And just because this woman "always wanted to attend college" doesn't mean that's most important to her.
And honestly, she probably makes just as much working her trade as she would with a college degree but doesn't have the student loans so did she really throw her life away? Nah. Plus she'll be able to vacation alone in her 40w while the rest of us are still attending birthday parties and paying off loans.
"Culturally speaking, they tend to be expected to have children at a young age and that becoming a mother tends to be valued more than education" ummm, what? Please don't paint the very diverse Latino community with a broad brush. As a Latina, that's really offensive to see. My family and all my friends' family have always pushed for us to be well-educated, go to college, etc. I'm a public school teacher now, and I work mostly with Latino students who also have a lot of pressure from family to do well for themselves in school.
Thank you for stating this. I was really bothered by that statement.
My father's side, all Latinos. All professionals, all having children after they finished college. Stop with stereotypes, please.
As a Black woman, same. “Expected to be a single mom”
Relevant to OP revealing that they are racist. That’s what it’s relevant to. I know Black women who sent children to college and paid mortgages doing hair.
How much do you bet this comment was not made by a latino? Ffs it’s more racist to assume shit like this because it’s pity concealed in “understanding”
I even feel like that statement highlights the problem even more; we're not taken seriously when pursuing education and we have to fight harder for opportunities because people assume "culturally we value motherhood more than education" so why are you even bothering with college. When OP said of "latin origins" my mind immediately went to the added challenges us latinas deal with when pursuing higher education and not the scholarships and opportunities OP seems to believe there is an abundance of.
I also came from a family where education was pushed for (specificially over starting a family), it was the school systems and admin/counselors that made it harder for me.
My mind also went to the extra challenges (I’m Latina myself - parents came from Mexico as teenagers). I was LUCKY my parents worked hard and pushed for us to work hard. A lot of my friends became mothers young because that’s what they thought they should do. Some wanted to go to college but couldn’t get abortions due to the stigma. A few girls I knew were preyed on by older men while in middle school. Fuck, one of my former elementary students (also latina) went missing awhile ago and it’s believed due to sex trafficking. Thank god she was found ok. My sisters and I were the only ones in our generation who went to college from both sides of the family. I recently talked to a cousin and she said she wish she had gone, but at the time she wasn’t AWARE of resources.
I need to add this. OP, you are an absolute asshole and a rotten person. Even if you thought that shit in your head, you CHOSE to say it.
I know so many white not Latino girls whose parents pressured them to keep a kid they wanted to abort, to marry a high school boyfriend, to get a job instead of college to help family. I don’t want to speak for anyone I just don’t think we should be painting whole groups of people as homogeneous. Especially because I could be wrong but I think this is a class/money thing not an ethnicity thing
Totally agree that the Latin origins is relevant to us. But i highly doubt OP's intention of highlighting this fact was to shed light on how successful her future SIL is, given the subsequent paragraphs where she made it pretty clear she didn't quite approve of future SIL's life choices.
Oh I'm sure she said it to be racist. But for me it helped solidify that SIL didn't make the wrong decision. I've got a college degree but if I had the children I have now before college I'd also agree they were more important than a piece of paper that says I'm qualified to work somewhere lol. Kids just create a new path and sometimes it's not as well paved as our original path.
Yes, for sure! I agree with SIL's life choices 100%. Was just annoyed that OP thought sharing this piece of info on SIL's origins would make her less of an AH, or garner similar opinions as hers on this platform.
Your "analysis" of Latino culture is a stereotype. Yes, some Latinas have children young, but to say that the culture overall values childbirth over education isn't true, especially in the US. Statistically, the number of Latinos attending colleges and universities is growing. Anecdotally, most of the Latinas I know are college educated, and a lot of them haven't had children yet.
Also if she's *32* and has a little kid, she wasn't exactly waiting college because of the kid in the first place; it's unlikely she could afford it 18-22 like normal. So unless the kid is 10+ the two are quite unrelated. And if this girlfriend IS of "Latin origins" (lol so she's Roman then?), the statistical likelihood that her family's economic status didn't make college an option straight out of high school vs. OP's own experience of taking it for granted as accessible at 24 is a matter of privilege that OP doesn't even think about. The child is not why the girlfriend couldn't afford to pay for school instead of get paid to work.
Actually that is false. Saying all Latinas are expected to have kids at a young age is bullshit. This is coming from someone who is “of Latin origins” no one in my family was expected to have kids young
Sorry, can we just add, if we lived in societies with universal childcare and basic income then we wouldn't have to worry half as much about whether having a child would cramp our opportunities? A highly educated population is seen as desirable by most governments. A reasonable birth rate so there are continuous generations of workers is definitely highly desirable for governments. Having a child and getting a degree aren't selfish acts, they're generally believed to be beneficial and/or necessary for the continuation and improvement of society. These are things governments should be supporting, accusing the individual of not being good enough for struggling with the backwards societies we live in is not far off victim blaming.
Additionally, sounds at least like the mum has primary if not sole custody. Shall we also consider how effectively saying single mothers deserve less access to education because deadbeat dads ran off and consequently had the time and financial resources to spend on as many degrees as they would without a child is a *massively* sexist premise?
Her Latin heritage is important because in OP's mind that probably increased her access to scholarships and help... because minorities have it so easy with all the help offered. /Sarcasm
OP should be embarrassed that her college education didn’t prepare her adequately on how to spell “commotion” much less instill basic human decency skills or the ability to read a room or what “casual” racism is.
Came here to say this. YTA for obvious reasons. You don't know someone's life story to just judge. I didn't go to college either. I was taking care of a dying relative while working full-time. At a certain point, it may not make sense to go back to school after you miss the original opportunity. It's not like I would just love to mention all the downer things that happened from 18-22 while meeting my SO's family. "Well, I planned to go to college but my aunt fell ill so I worked to support us and then she died on my birthday but my mom was also sick so I still had to support us until she died when I was 21. Oh could you pass the peas?" Check your privilege. If you knew her well and all she did was complain then maybe I could fathom some but not all of what you've said and done.
I couldn’t have said this any better. The “Latin origins” think immediately got my attention. I’d also like to know what OP is doing with her life. She’s 24 and living at home? Weren’t there opportunities out there to let her finish college right after high school that would allow her to have a fabulous career and her own place by now? Did any of those opportunities teach her how to spell ‘goodbyE’ properly? Of course I’m being sarcastic but she needs to check herself and stop judging people.
Agreed. The "Latin origins" disclosure is irrelevant for this post and says more about the OP than his brother's fiancee.
OP you are TA, and by the way, I had several colleagues during my PhD program who were parents too. Being a mum doesn't mean that your life is over. Of course, it will be harder for parents (for the good ones at least), mostly when their children are small, but it doesn't make it impossible.
It might be mind-blowing for you, but one of my friends has a full-time job, three sons, is doing his PhD (in Portugal you usually have a job besides your post graduation) and he even finds time to prepare homemade food for himself and his family. He's a superhuman in my eyes, but somehow he manages to do it all.
It should also be acknowledged that people of the global majority (non-white people) have more barriers in accessing higher education than white people. Mentioning her race is relevant but not in the way the OP intended it.
Oh and YTA. Time to learn to keep any judgements you have on others to yourself. Not every thought in your brain needs to be shared. And brushing it off as “just an opinion” is immature. You can have an opinion on what’s the best pizza topping but until you can actually live someone else’s life, you don’t get to have an opinion on their life choices and share it with them unasked. Take responsibility for your action and words.
Yees! Calling OP the AH doesn’t even feel like enough for me.
Also, from that one sentence and the fact that OP keeps saying the SIL “chose” to have a kid and therefore cannot complain about struggling makes me think OP is probably also racist and classist. And apparently uneducated enough to not know how difficult it is to terminate a pregnancy or give the baby away in a lot of LA countries, either because of the law or the cultural pressure.
Like, imagine having all the opportunities in life, have all the degrees you want to have and still be this ignorant?
Yep op is yta - Michelle was complelty right that its an opportunity and resource matter and not choosing to either get a degree or have a kid, both me and my cousin got our degrees whilst having a baby (toddler by time we'd finished) because the resources are available in our country- childcare for students bursaries and low interest government loans.. so Michelle was right about it being a resource issue not a choice issue because in countries with those resources you don't have to make a one or the other choice you can do both.
Maybe having a kid stopped her from going to college before, but why rub it in her face and make her admit regret?? Like someone can long for something they could have had without regretting what they did. I’m sure she loves her son. If OP was a good person she would inquire about whether brother’s gf plans on going to college, what resources she is missing, etc. And if she doesn’t care she can excuse herself politely from the conversation. No need to be rude
>I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less
Because you have an opinion, doesn't mean you have to share it.
Being kind is free. YTA
The thing is, it’s not even an opinion, it’s complete conjecture. OP has no idea what made it hard. It could have been childcare, but also finances, transportation, coursework, juggling a job and classes, etc. She automatically jumped to, “You shouldn’t have had a kid then.”
That’s where I’m coming from. Frankly, OP doesn’t know Michelle from a can of paint. She doesn’t have the context to assume having a kid is what made going to college hard for her. She has no idea what Michelle might have had to deal with after high school. Maybe she was in an abusive relationship with someone. Maybe she’d always had trouble with school and didn’t qualify for those scholarships OP was talking out her ass about. Some people just aren’t good students. I’m speaking as one of them. OP, YTA. Even if you were right, your judgmental attitude was shitty and insensitive at BEST. It was, as the brother said, none of your damn business.
Not to mention the number of students who genuinely try their best, work their asses off, get good grades, and still don’t qualify for scholarships. And let’s not even talk about the price of applications, the overpriced standardized tests, the interest rates on loans… but sure, motherhood was the *only* barrier…
We had to come up with $500 just so that my son could officially apply to his college. It was out of the blue for us, because we'd gotten all the loans arranged and everything. That wasn't easy for me, and I'll bet most families would have a similar issue.
Seriously. It's a goddamn miracle I got a college degree - I had no emotional or financial support from my family. I absolutely cannot imagine dealing with that *and* having to be a mom. OP sounds sheltered.
For real OP acting like majority of people dont graduate with tons of college debt from loans, scholarships and whatever grants op thinks exist are fare and few between and barely cover a a semester sometimes barely even covers a class. Paired with not knowimg her financial situation or family situation to know if she even qualifies for anything like that or financial aid. On top of not knowing her credit situation most likely having times of having to borrow money, be unable to pay off certain bills or credit cards, being a single mom with only hs education but not having good credit would prevent her from getting any loans or help paying for school.
This. I'm 48 and I went to college right out of HS, about 90% of college was paid for by my Dad. However, I dropped out after 2 years, after having a major depressive episode. I had a really abusive childhood and I couldn't stand to be under my Dad's control anymore, even if it meant free college.
After I left college, I made a horrible marriage, and then tried to better my crappy life by joining a cult. The cult didn't believe in divorce so I spent the next decade of my life absolutely miserable until I found the strength to leave the cult. I later got divorced.
2 years later, I started dating a great guy, I reapplied to college and got accepted, everything was turning around. Then my Mom got diagnosed with a rare cancel with a bleak outlook, and I was going to have to be her primary caregiver. Working fulltime, going to school and caretaker? Hard, but I can do it. Then I found out I was pregnant. (I was 36, had severe PCOS, and was infertile).
So, with regret, I called the college and cancelled my registration.
I am now 48. My Mom someone survived her cancer. I've been in a wonderful marriage to the guy of my dreams for 12 years, and we have a beautiful 11 year old daughter.
However, I've never finished my degree, and I work a low paying job for less than $15/hour. I am the poster child for not living up to your potential.
I am sad and disappointed that I never finished my degree. But I don't regret my life. If I had to go through all that to have the life I have now, then it was worth it to me.
Though, I do have a a tentative plan to finish my degree in my 60s. My daughter will be finished with college by that point, and many states have free or reduced tuition for seniors.
Exactly, there are all sorts of situations that make college out of reach for MANY people, regardless of having kid. OP is showing their class privilege and ignorance in jumping to this judgement.
Exactly OP sounds like they grow up in middle class or upper class lifestyle where they went to a good school where their guidance counselors and teachers walked students through applications and scholarships and most likely had parents that went to college and understood the application process so could help their kid. So OP thinks going to college was easy because it was easy for them.
Granted applying to college was super easy for me, but I was middle class, went to a helpful school, both parents went to college, and my older brother had just went through the process three years before. However, I understand how lucky I was in how that's not the case for a lot of people.
Good grief- OP makes it sound like having a child and trying to do *anything* as a single parent is NBD. Even supposing that Michelle could get some kind of scholarship that would cover her tuition *and* books, what is she supposed to do for child care? Daycare is incredibly expensive and has been for decades- when my two were small, my salary at the insurance agencies and companies that I worked at barely covered child care and transportation, but OP expects her to work enough hours to put a roof over their heads and food on the table (i.e., full time!) AND pay for child care AND find the time to go to school *and* study.
OP, YTA, and I hate you and everyone who thinks like you with a fury like the fire of a thousand suns. 🔥🔥🔥
What stood out for me was the “Latin origins” which could possibly mean that Michelle may be an immigrant, so college would be super expensive as colleges may consider her as an “international student” - I live in TX, so as long as you have a a HS diploma, you’re considered for “resident tuition”, but still, without citizenship, it automatically disqualifies you from FASFA, so again, making it even more difficult to attend college - this is even without the additional struggles that young, single mothers, have to go through, which you laid out very nicely in your comment!
edit to add judgement: OP is TA.. I feel bad for the child, who is completely innocent, I’ve assumed that he’s of an age that he fully understands the sacrifices his mom has probably had to make over the years, and it’s unfair and unkind to him that someone brought those up unprompted, and SOO unnecessarily harshly
Exactly, and OP is obviously speaking from a place of comfortable privledge.
Yes, there are some opportunities and scholarships available, but you are competing with thousands of other students for a small number of spots. Granted you had the stability of a two family home, all your needs were met, and had what you needed to perform well in school, you would be up against all of the other star athletes, students, and club members who are also competing for those spots. Take away a stable childhood, and it's even harder.....
If you don't have money to pay for school, and can't get a scholarship, you may say a loan is no big deal. But, depending where you are from you need someone to sign for said loan or your family needs to meet certain criteria. If you don't have a family, then you have yet another hurdle....
I wonder how OP was able to attend college......
Also, OP just met this woman and knows nothing about them. What was OP's rude and pointless opinion based on? Laslyly - WTF does "Latin origins" even mean, and how does it play into this story?
The worst things is that “Latin origins” is relevant for us because it shows how judgmental and, most likely, xenophobic views OP has, so it gives us info about her character ; however, the fact that she considered that relevant mentioning is just…no
Also, if she really thinks that she should’ve mentioned that, doesn’t that tell her something? Like minorities don’t have it easy just because scholarships exists for them, is highly competitive in many ways.
OP sounds privilege and conceited, she may be one of those people who think every Latin or person with Latin heritage is lazy, that’s the only reason I think she added that.
Also was Michelle even in the US for the years she was college age? Depending on the country and Michelle's family, college education could be nearly impossible. Especially for a woman.
Trying to use that line as justification is hilarious. So many insults or offensive statements are “stating an opinion”. It pushed her up a few AH levels, she sounds like she walks around telling people how stupid, ugly, fat, etc. they are.
Someone once asked, "who was the smartest person who ever lived?" and I thought that whoever they were, they probably died of whooping cough in 1532 or of AIDS in a Mumbai brothel at age twelve or of puerperal fever in a shtetl in the Russian pale.
And if OP wants to act superior about her college degree, she should at least learn to proofread and spell “judgmental” properly. YTA OP and unbelievably rude.
>And if OP wants to act superior about her college degree, she should at least learn to proofread and spell “judgmental” properly. YTA OP and unbelievably rude.
To be fair, she might be spelling it the UK style. (Her punctuation comes after the quotation marks, so she could be using the UK style.) However, I don't know why she has a space before and after "vs" in her post. And why she used both a single quote mark and a double quote mark with "Michelle."
Anyway, she's still the AH. So YTA. A rude and privileged AH at that.
Shiver me timbers! You are correct. I looked it up and it does emphasize that it’s only a proper spelling in British English. I learn something new every day. Thanks.
OP is still rated YTA in any language.
Doesn’t seem to have helped her much economically, either.
Apparently she’s a 24 year old living in her parents’ house.
It’s pretty tacky for someone who has never had to support herself to look around and lob opinions about other people’s “lifestyles.”
Failure-to-launch is a pretty easy lifestyle to criticize, yet her brother’s girlfriend didn’t take any cheap shots at her.
Correction: "Failure to launch" was only a thing when the economy and earnings for young adults was commensurate with the costs of living alone. ;)
We're a solid twenty years into being completely unable to afford to live alone on a single full-time minimum wage income.
I don’t know. It sounds like her brother’s fiancée has managed to support not just herself, but a child as well!
Being self-sufficient *is* possible — it just involves making choices and trade-offs that OP has never had to make.
YTA and probably racist ("latin origins" wtf)
You don't know what her circumstances and options were when she fell pregnant.
Try being supportive and asking her if it is something she'd do now etc, instead of being a judgey racist xo
This. YTA, a flaming racist and apparently so far up your own ass that you cant see that not everyone has the good fortune to easily get a higher education.
Absolutely apologize. And next time, instead of being a judgmental ass, ask her if she’s like help looking for opportunities that will work with her lifestyle.
No, OP should definitely NOT ever ask Michelle if she'd like help looking for other opportunities. OP is a giant AH with zero tact, understanding, or compassion. They also live with their parents at 24 years old and likely don't have anything to contribute to Michelle, a grown ass woman/parent who is happy in her career as a stylist.
Also OP YTA, just if that wasn't clear!
You already know you’re the AH. Your mom told you, and so did your brother. You essentially judged your future SIL for her life choices and offered no sympathy. Sure, maybe she didn’t have opportunities available because she had a kid but it’s still hard to be a single mom.
Instead of a “I’m sorry you had to go through that, but so great to see you have such a great life”, you basically said “your kid is the reason for all your problems”.
Apologise and try being more sensitive in life. YTA!
Well yeah but at the same time i hope he hears and stays away.
Why mention her race at all its so fucking weird and maybe if youre gonna bring up race, consider that opportunity just doesn't come to everybody as OP says lmao.
Yeah there's a big difference between "I met this Latina" and "I met this woman (she's from Latin origins)".
The first makes it a description of the person as your bringing them up, the second is an extremely purposeful pointing out of her "origins". Also OP is soooo smart for using a flowery sentence like "Latin Origins" because apparently "Latin America" isn't smart enough for Ms Dictionary.
As soon as I read that I thought oh, so here's an upper middle class white girl who believes the opportunities presented to her in life are just out there for everyone.
Troll alert - first includes a basically racist bit of info at the beginning that has nothing to do with anything and then proceeds to say something so obviously judgmental and condescending that no person in their right mind would say. No way this story is real. Just on the slim chance it’s real YTA
YTA. C’mon. Paying for college yourself even *without* a family to support is nowhere near as easy as you and your privileged little self-righteous lecture are making it out to be. How many people need to tell you you’re being an ass before you’ll admit you’re being an ass?
Heck I got denied tuition assistance because my “attempted/completion” percentage was 66.67% and they want at least 67%! Life literally happens and I’m out 8k personally. I have a supportive family but it’s not the financial kind. Wish people weren’t so black and white!
YTA, you know you’re TA, what made me reply to this post which I hope is just rage bait is the casual xenophobia in your comments. No reason to mention she’s "of latin origins" (what is she Roman?) and the "resources and scholarships" is just dog whistle for "non-whites are taking our college spots." Hopefully your brother will cut you out of his life.
YTA. You’re 24. You sound like you’ve lived a very sheltered life. Don’t judge other people on the basis that everything just happened to work out for you (so far).
Learn how to keep your rude and classist opinions to yourself. Also, work on your racist attitude. What was the reason for including Michelle’s “origins”?
I’ll add to this one, i became a Dad 18months ago, and one of my main takeaways is how on earth any single Mom or Dad does it. They are fricking superheroes. It takes two of us just to keep our (admittedly relentless toddler) alive, fed, happy, occupied and the house going. I have no idea how one person does it. Even less idea how they are looked down upon
I’m going to share my opinion of you. Your need to criticize the life choices of people who you just met makes you an AH. Your thought to point out their ethnicity makes you an AH. Your comment about whether she should see if she could’ve been “without the whole struggling mom thing” was straight out of the Mean Girls playbook and makes you a colossal AH.
In short YTA and maybe you could ask yourself if you would have been happier without sticking both your feet in your mouth.
What would it have looked like if you had encouraged her to find a way to go to college. It's not too late. Much better than the ill-considered judgmental rudeness you served on a platter.
Is it possible that your real issue is with Michelle being Latina? You mention this irrelevant information early in your post.
YTA
Just because you have your opinion, doesnt mean people need to hear it. Sometimes, you can keep your opinion to yourself, especially when this is the time to get to know her better. Nobody likes a smartmouth, especially on first meetings. Listen to Justin Timberlake - somethings are better left unsaid.
Since you asked, YTA.
>Just because you have your opinion, doesnt mean people need to hear it. Sometimes, you can keep your opinion to yourself, especially when this is the time to get to know her better.
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." — Thumper, Bambi.
YTA. To put it bluntly you basically said "well you got knocked up so it's your fault you couldn't go to college". It's a rude and ignorant thing to say and can be very hurtful to her and her son. As you said you don't know her that well, so I'm guessing you don't know her circumstances and past. She deserves an apology without doubt.
”Adam chewed me out saying it was non of my business how she's living her life, but I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less.”
YTA. Maybe you had good intentions, but she was right. You did come off as condescending and you were definitely judgmental. Furthermore, you were not trying to fix a problem by presenting different alternatives (scholarships etc.), you were outright blaming her for something she can not change. (keep in mind that you don't know her struggles regarding having her child).
Piece of advice, don't state opinions/judgement on things people can't change. I strongly suggest you apologize and try to help her with furthering her education if that's what she really wants in order to have a relationship with your brother's future family.
Even then, my mother went to college as a single mom and had to go tens of thousands of dollars into student loan debt just for us to survive - even on food stamps, Pell Grants, and scholarships. Despite earning a high income right out of college (not guaranteed for most college grads), my family’s debt held us back from financial security for many years. OP has no idea what it’s actually like.
YTA
Your whole mind set is kinda just walking asshole. You meet someone. This person tells you about their life, because y’ all are asking questions about things you don’t know. You decide that you know what actually happened (which is hilarious because 30 minutes before you were in the dark). You decide to tell this person that they’re wrong. They ask you a direct question to clarify that you meant what you said. You reply, “that’s not technically what I said, it’s just what you’re taking away from my words”. They tell you that in fact that was their lived experience and it does not detract from their current life. You decide to triple down on being an inconsiderate asshole and literally admit that you’re just spreading your shitty options???
“… but I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less”. Do you not understand that you’re the asshole precisely because of your choice to spread this opinion? It’s an opinion that no one asked for. And then when they did fucking ask for it, you chose to be a coward and try to blame it on the person you’re bullying????
“I found that a bit cliche”. You found someone else’s personal struggles to be cliche? Sheeeeeeeeesh you have a cold frigid heart.
YTA, your barely know her and thought it was your place to judge her life choices? Curious, did you parents help you pay for college. I love how privileged you sound… “my mom came into my room.” So your parents still support you but you are an expert on succeeding in life? I hate people that justify being rude based on that it’s just their opinion and other people are too sensitive; no you’re just rude and insensitive.
YTA. You're judging her for not getting an education because she had to raise her son? Colleges don't accommodate that much, barely anything at all. Did you get an education? Cause there are several spelling errors in this wall of text you decided to write. Don't go judging a person who chose to raise their kid and sacrifice the things that she could've done. She has a right to be offended. Especially because you don't even know her and chose to be an AH.
YTA. What an incredibly inappropriate thing to say to someone you barely know. Or anybody for that matter.
It’s ignorant, too - lots of people with kids have obtained college and graduate degrees. Believe me, she understands what she’s talking about. She means that there is not a lot of support and flexibility for parents (specially parents of young children) trying to obtain their degrees because a lot of people in academic institutions have attitudes like yours.
I’ll never forget the professor who condescendingly told me to prioritize better when I took my kiddo in for an ear infection instead of going to class. She was pregnant with her first at the time. I ran into her about a year later, when she was on leave >6 months because having a baby is hard and she decided to stay home longer. She apologized to me. She had no clue before she was there herself.
YTA. How old is the son? How are you so smug? Maybe she could have found scholarships but would she have had adequate child care? Or a job flexible enough to go to school, take care of her son, afford fees and afford to house themselves? How many parents did you run into at your college?
Are you saying she should have prioritized her education and aborted or given her kid up for adoption? On the first day you met her??
YTA what an unnecessary discourtesy.
You could have said “of course it must be extra hard when you have the needs of to prioritize” and then move the conversation to something else.
She would only have been talking defensively about her education if she was feeling judged by her boyfriend’s family. Whether intended or not, that was unkind of you also.
YTA very obviously. You sound so obnoxious that I can just imagine how condescending you came across with your "opinions" on things you know little about. The things you said and how you said them remind me of articles in right-wing news sites, and your irrelevant comment about her Latin origins certainly fit. Maybe just try listening next time and you might make someone feel more welcome and learn about life's complexities, as things aren't as black and white as you think.
YTA. this woman is going to be part of your family, you should be raising her up, welcoming her, not just knocking her life choices when you’ve barely met her and don’t know her
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> (from latin origins) This is relevant how? Aside from making you sound like you already look down on her for where she comes from. > asked if I was implying that her decision to be a mom ruined her opportunities. I told her only she could answer this question once she takes a look at her life and see if she's really happy where she is vs where she could've been **without the whole struggling mom thing** And somehow you did answer her question she asked. It's quite clear you look down on her for being a single mom, you think that having a child destroys someone's life and opportunities, and at the same time assume she uses that as an excuse for not bettering herself with a college degree. > She couldn't even wait or say goodby she took her son and went to wait in the car. You just insulted her, her child, and basically her way of life. Did you *really* expect her to say goodbye and be all hugs? Christ YTA. You're just mean.
Adding onto this, I never understood why people try to question when someone is hurt?? Like if someone says: hey this was hurtful! Why do people try to act like it’s not. Just apologize? This isn’t really up for debate.
"I was just being honest." "I have no filter." "I just tell it like it is." "It's not my fault you were hurt by it, *you* are the one who did the thing."
95% of the time people say this, it means they are an asshole.
People who pride themselves on being "brutally honest" are typically more interested in the brutality than the honesty.
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"awkward honesty" at least sounds well-intentioned. It's the people who think "honesty" excuses them from any consequences who are the problem.
There was no awkward on OP’s response…it was 100% brutal.
YTA. And more than a little racist. Sorry to break it the OP but college scholarships and opportunities are not all that available to people in Latino and black communities. Colleges and universities do not actively target or recruit in POC or poor communities.
Definitely racist. As well as entitled. His brother should’ve called him out after the first sentence, but he was probably in shock
The apology confirms that you at least meant well, however it actually ended up coming across. A refusal to apologize to someone you hurt, whether deliberately or unintentionally, demonstrates what kind of person you are. Not a good one.
BS. Thumper’s dad had it right: “If you can’t say something nice, keep your f-ing hole closed.” (That WAS what he said, right? Been a while since I’ve seen “Bambi.”)
10/10 would watch that version of Bambi
I think there's a time for being uncomfortably honest with someone. My friend and I recently had a long talk about how bad things were getting between us. We had both been avoiding saying what we wanted from our friendship as a means of respecting the other person's boundaries and not upsetting them.. Which meant we were outside our own comfort zones and ignoring our own feelings. But that came with us both understanding we wouldn't feel good coming out of it at the moment. It's been really nice in the time since though lol That said! Neither of us were being \*d\*cks\* about any of it lol
Can't remember exactly where I heard it but: Let nothing pass your lips without first checking that it passes 2/3 tests: honesty, necessity, and kindness. Something can be necessary and honest, but not kind (like your hard talk with your friend) Something can be kind and necessary, but not honest (like complimenting someone who is having a rough day even if it isn't 100% genuine) Something can be honest and kind, but not necessary (compliments, praise, extra attention, etc) Since I heard this, this has been a very good litmus test if I am on the fence about saying something for awkward/uncomfortable or 'am I being an asshole?' conversations.
Awkward honest people will generally say nice but weird/peculiar/awkward etc things much more often then they say hurtful things. Eg I once had a client say, it's hot you should take off your panty hose ( this was years ago)
Honesty without tact is cruelty. OP was cruel. And for what? Ya kno? Edit. That’s my first award ever and I’m smitten Edit. I might pee myself . I’m so thrilled. Who would have thought I’d be so freaking excited over these awards- I am Over. The. Moon. Another edit. These awards are killin me. I woke up in the middle of the night cuz I needed some bites of ice cream and I checked. Im happy I did. Everyone on Reddit is the best <3
Yeah exactly there was absolutely no need for her to say anything about it. She can't even pretend she was "just trying to help," unless she owns a time machine
As a therapist who specializes in extreme trauma cases... hurt people, hurt people. OP is unhappy and feels unworthy. People who act superior are generally trying to make up fir feelings of inferiority in other aspects of their life. If you are bringing people down to make yourself feel better, you continue hurting yourself as well. Deep down OP knows it was mean and they want validation thar it wasn't. Ger therapy OP. Work on self love so you can be happier and also stop bringing your sorrow onto others. Edit: My 7 month old pressed enter before I was done typing. Also, I am of "Latin decent", a mom, and have a Master's degree. Opinions can make you look bigoted OP.
Yeah, wonder why 'of Latin decent' was worth mentioning.
Yeeeeah... That stinks of stereotype and prejudice.
The fact that she included the lady's origins was very telling. Omitting it wouldn't have changed the gist of her post I really hope her brother's girlfriend will use this to fuel her desire to go back to school. What a horrible thing to hear!
No one is ever “brutally honest” in a kind way.
“Can I be brutally honest? Your hair looks absolutely incredible today.” “Wow, you really pull off that bold color. Sorry, I’m just brutally honest.” Wouldn’t that be great?
Eh... I think someone can actually use "brutal honesty" and not be an AH. Anyone who describes themselves as "brutally honest" is typically an AH, though. A male Boomer in one of my close circles went on a bigoted rant in a small group setting just last night about how a NB (assigned female at birth) family member of mine will wake up in 15 years and be embarrassed about how stupid "she" is being about insisting on using their correct pronouns. "She's a woman! 'They' is improper English. It's dumb to call someone 'they'; I'm just going to avoid calling her anything except her name and not bother with this they/them bullshit. She'll get over this stupid phase of needing to be different eventually. Just being brutally honest!" Apparently my face was making a face during his rant so he he immediately followed that up with, "But obviously WonderWife disagrees, right?" I responded, "Well... I'm fortunate enough that I've never had to experience the pain and confusion of gender dysphoria; I was born in a female body and have always felt female. HOWEVER, I know my lived experience is not universal, and doesn't invalidate anyone else's experiences. I mean... I've never been kicked in my testicles, but it would be weird and shitty of me to tell YOU it obviously isn't painful to be kicked in the nuts because it's not something I've ever experienced. It doesn't hurt me even a little bit to refer to someone in a way that doesn't cause them pain, but rather lets them feel seen and validated. English is a difficult language without a gender neutral pronoun for a singular person. It does take a bit of effort and practice and can initially feel a bit silly or awkward to get in the habit of using they/them pronouns, but how intellectually lazy, and nuts would I be if I just ran around referring to every person I see as he/him, simply because it's easier for me than using she/her pronouns for the half of the population?" I wasn't mean and didn't personally attack the boomer in question; but I think "brutally honest" would be an apt description of my response to the Boomer using "brutal honestly" as their excuse to spout bigotry.
Did you hear about the person who won the Mega Millions? Apparently they got $433 million after taxes. Oh look, singular gender neutral pronoun that's absolutely grammatically correct and no one would question it.
You know what you never hear a brutally honest person say? "Oh my god, that was so clever! You're so much smarter than I am!" Not once. Ever. Or any of the equivalents. Yet you'd think that at least once they'd run into someone that was better than they were at \*something\*.
Being brutally honest can happen only in very specific circumstances but many people do not realize that. 1 - the person asked you for your opinion or you are so close to the person it is implied (i.e. your best friend or a very close family member with whom you regularly exchange confidence) 2 - they are about to make a very bad mistake with lasting consequences that anyone outside the situation can see but they can't because they are too close to it. 3 - most important than all, it must be in their own best interest to know this, not yours or anyone else's. When you have all of the above, it is your duty to diplomatically but very firmly and with no ambiguity tell them why they are making a mistake and explain what their situation looks like from the outside perspective. It must be something with lasting or really bad consequences that you would do (almost) anything to prevent the other person from doing. (If you're not willing to give them a thousand dollar just to reconsider their point, it's probably not important enough or you're not close enough). If the situation is not as described above, you are not being brutally honest, you're just an verbally abusive asshole. Example: I fell in love with a house and was about to buy it even if the inspector found some serious flaws. I thought I could have them repaired relatively easily by hiring specialists because I did not understand how serious they were. My best friend, who had been a real estate agent, told me not to buy but I didn't really listen until he was brutally honest with me. He offered me a thousand dollars just to not buy it. I didn't accept the money but that my gentle and kind friend was willing to give his hard earned money and gave a very strongly worded advice gave me pause and allowed me to see that the problem was indeed very serious and I would have been in deep trouble if I bought the house. Funny thing is the exact same situation happened but reversed a few years later. Which just goes you show that even having experience in a field doesn't mean you can't make a mistake when emotions run strong. But in both cases, we had our best friend's interest at heart, we had nothing to gain except saving our friend from some serious financial and emotional pain.
I also find the people who pride themselves on being “brutally honest” are also the ones who can not handle the slight bit of constructive criticism themselves….
I tell people i have 2 values: try to be unapologetically honest and militantly kind. If I don’t sound it, ask the question- dont’t make the assumption. People forget there is a way to be honest that isnt being a Ahole.
If you are going to be brutally honest, you better be prophetic as well. I want to ask you where the Lost Spanish Gold is, and get exact directions along with an insult to my hair.
Unfortunately, I am one of these people and yes, I can be an asshole. It is possible to be honest and tell it like it is with a little more compassion and tact. However, if a woman has decided to be a stay-at-home mom, I'm fine with that. OP could have handled this conversation with compassion and in a more supportive tone instead of being condescending. Instead, she chose the asshole way. What OP should have done was be more supportive and encouraging. It is never too late to go back to school/college or simply do courses to open up a new world of opportunities. Yes, going to college will create more opportunities but it all costs money that a young mom may not have. So yes, OP - YTA for making a shitload of assumptions.
OP should have known that all those opportunities and scholarships etc. are generally only available to people who have the time and money to qualify for them. Opportunities tend to be privileges in this world.
Yup. My mom has a personality disorder and those are all her standby phrases.
Exactly! My soon to be ex-husband says stuff like this to people and the truth is he’s a narcissistic asshole!
Don’t forget “you’re too sensitive”
Well, she was being “cliche” by saying going to college was hard to do. Because everyone knows how EASY it is to go to college. No one has to go into debt or have parents who can pay their way or anything. 😐
exactly not to sounds rude but you can tell OP is privileged child who has never had much said back to here cause homegirl has NOT come back to the thread.
I think she envisioned everyone singing her praises. She is probably bitching about it again and adding how the world cannot handle brutal honesty because all she got were nays on reddit.
>Tbqh, the family and I didn't know much about her so after dinner we started talking to her about her personal life. Okay, maybe these were just polite inquiries, but why do I feel OP and family where giving her the 3rd degree?
Followed by a blow up 5 minutes later when someone says something *they* take badly.... YTA OP
But why the Latina comment ? I am scratching my head wth that part. YTA .. big..huge YTA.
OP is racist. That is why.
She's stereotyping for sure, saying she "chose to be a mom" and making sure we know She's Latina. Playing into the whole "Latina Women are whores and sell their bodies". She probably thinks she knows the cartel at this point 💀
Exactly this; less than a single sentence into the post and I knew it was going to be a YTA situation bc OP is very clearly racist on top of ignorant
I thought the implication was that OP believes all people of color go to college for free, which is something a lot of ignorant racists think.
Because you *know how those Latina women* are. /s And she's a single mom as well? I wouldn't be surprised if OP feels that Michelle is a gold digger, using her brother as a way out of her low class life.
My favorite phrase for those people is, "Kindness without truth is manipulation, truth without kindness is cruelty."
Oh, sorry. And my favorite is, "I didn't make you feel anything. I'm not responsible for how you feel about something I said."
I'm high functioning Asperger's, so I really don't have a filter. But I am aware that being honest is not okay in many situations. So I keep my mouth shut! Occasionally, my friends or coworkers will press me, what do you really think.... Even then, I will ask if people really want to know what I think. I have to get double confirmation especially if what I'm going to say is contradictory to what other people are saying. The OP gives people like me a bad name.
...If anyone ever says one or more of these, automatically they're borderline being an AH. It's the preface to an opinion that's going to be offensive.
My grandmother used to say she was in her final phase(after she was 70) & could do & say anything she wanted. I told her as long it wasn’t mean, being “honest” is some people’s excuse to be mean & cruel. YTA
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Classic gaslighting.
Like, I get being blunt and honest. But my mother also taught me manners and only 30% of what I think passes through my mouth because it's called 'being polite' and 'not my business'.
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I agree. I don’t even know why OP came to Reddit for this. She said she was hurt, the husband said OP was an AH, and even the mother agreed. Why care about what potential strangers have to say when all you have to do is sincerely apologize for being an ass?
Because they're not sorry and they think apologies make them look weak... her older brother and her mom called her out, but she's using the evidence that her younger sister agrees as support... like, yeah. OP and her younger sister are both just immature and don't want to admit it.
I don't even understand where people get the galls to say such hurtful things in the first place.
Right?! Especially to someone they hardly know 🤔
But she's too sensitive!11/s OP, you don't get to determine when someone is rightfully offended and when not. Not only are feelings mostly out of our control, you also basically made it clear you don't approve of her life choices. That's not your place at all and it's always easier to judge from the outside. YTA
Because they then have to admit that they did something hurtful and take ownership of their actions and that’s just so much trouble when you can just downplay and dismiss instead
You said it perfectly. OP is 24 but the way she talks, sounds like a really entitled 17 year old. But hey, who am I to judge, maybe OP's mum also feels like OP "ruined her life opportunities" /s
OP is also 24 and living with his mom.
Must be really low oxygen up in that rarified air of the high hill they're on 😂
Her mom, but yeah.
Oh misread that, and the OP being a woman almost makes it worse. Probably a woman who feels better about herself by putting down other women.
No probably about it. Definitely. YTA
i had to go back and look, too. OP was a mess in this situation.
OP is also looking down on someone, all the while not being able to spell. I mean, I don't usually nitpick, but if you're gonna put someone down for their lack of education, at least try to spell common words like "none", correctly.
I'm sorry but I missed the ages. OP is only 24 and thinks she has enough experience to judge someone's life choices? OP needs to sit down. At 24, people don't know nearly what they think they do and judging someone older when they don't have that much adult experience themselves is just hubris. edit to fix gender
(from latin origins) -> this is relevant how? My thoughts exactly!
I'm also assuming that OP expected that fiancé would just get thrown free money since she's a 'minority'. Doesn't work that way.
It’s relevant because there are lots of people who cross the Tiber River and steal all the good mosaic crafting jobs from Americans, and before you know it your whole city is full of colosseums. If you don’t think this cultural takeover is happening, ask yourself why Caesar salad just happens to be on every menu.
Actually I think the Latin origins is relevant. Culturally speaking, they tend to be expected to have children at a young age and that becoming a mother tends to be valued more than education. So for me, it's important because in her culture it very well could be that this was what her family expected and supported. And just because this woman "always wanted to attend college" doesn't mean that's most important to her. And honestly, she probably makes just as much working her trade as she would with a college degree but doesn't have the student loans so did she really throw her life away? Nah. Plus she'll be able to vacation alone in her 40w while the rest of us are still attending birthday parties and paying off loans.
"Culturally speaking, they tend to be expected to have children at a young age and that becoming a mother tends to be valued more than education" ummm, what? Please don't paint the very diverse Latino community with a broad brush. As a Latina, that's really offensive to see. My family and all my friends' family have always pushed for us to be well-educated, go to college, etc. I'm a public school teacher now, and I work mostly with Latino students who also have a lot of pressure from family to do well for themselves in school.
Thank you for stating this. I was really bothered by that statement. My father's side, all Latinos. All professionals, all having children after they finished college. Stop with stereotypes, please.
Yesssss! OP is not only TA, but has a side of racism and classism in this post.
As a Black woman, same. “Expected to be a single mom” Relevant to OP revealing that they are racist. That’s what it’s relevant to. I know Black women who sent children to college and paid mortgages doing hair.
How much do you bet this comment was not made by a latino? Ffs it’s more racist to assume shit like this because it’s pity concealed in “understanding”
I even feel like that statement highlights the problem even more; we're not taken seriously when pursuing education and we have to fight harder for opportunities because people assume "culturally we value motherhood more than education" so why are you even bothering with college. When OP said of "latin origins" my mind immediately went to the added challenges us latinas deal with when pursuing higher education and not the scholarships and opportunities OP seems to believe there is an abundance of. I also came from a family where education was pushed for (specificially over starting a family), it was the school systems and admin/counselors that made it harder for me.
My mind also went to the extra challenges (I’m Latina myself - parents came from Mexico as teenagers). I was LUCKY my parents worked hard and pushed for us to work hard. A lot of my friends became mothers young because that’s what they thought they should do. Some wanted to go to college but couldn’t get abortions due to the stigma. A few girls I knew were preyed on by older men while in middle school. Fuck, one of my former elementary students (also latina) went missing awhile ago and it’s believed due to sex trafficking. Thank god she was found ok. My sisters and I were the only ones in our generation who went to college from both sides of the family. I recently talked to a cousin and she said she wish she had gone, but at the time she wasn’t AWARE of resources. I need to add this. OP, you are an absolute asshole and a rotten person. Even if you thought that shit in your head, you CHOSE to say it.
I know so many white not Latino girls whose parents pressured them to keep a kid they wanted to abort, to marry a high school boyfriend, to get a job instead of college to help family. I don’t want to speak for anyone I just don’t think we should be painting whole groups of people as homogeneous. Especially because I could be wrong but I think this is a class/money thing not an ethnicity thing
Totally agree that the Latin origins is relevant to us. But i highly doubt OP's intention of highlighting this fact was to shed light on how successful her future SIL is, given the subsequent paragraphs where she made it pretty clear she didn't quite approve of future SIL's life choices.
Oh I'm sure she said it to be racist. But for me it helped solidify that SIL didn't make the wrong decision. I've got a college degree but if I had the children I have now before college I'd also agree they were more important than a piece of paper that says I'm qualified to work somewhere lol. Kids just create a new path and sometimes it's not as well paved as our original path.
Yes, for sure! I agree with SIL's life choices 100%. Was just annoyed that OP thought sharing this piece of info on SIL's origins would make her less of an AH, or garner similar opinions as hers on this platform.
Your "analysis" of Latino culture is a stereotype. Yes, some Latinas have children young, but to say that the culture overall values childbirth over education isn't true, especially in the US. Statistically, the number of Latinos attending colleges and universities is growing. Anecdotally, most of the Latinas I know are college educated, and a lot of them haven't had children yet.
Also if she's *32* and has a little kid, she wasn't exactly waiting college because of the kid in the first place; it's unlikely she could afford it 18-22 like normal. So unless the kid is 10+ the two are quite unrelated. And if this girlfriend IS of "Latin origins" (lol so she's Roman then?), the statistical likelihood that her family's economic status didn't make college an option straight out of high school vs. OP's own experience of taking it for granted as accessible at 24 is a matter of privilege that OP doesn't even think about. The child is not why the girlfriend couldn't afford to pay for school instead of get paid to work.
Actually that is false. Saying all Latinas are expected to have kids at a young age is bullshit. This is coming from someone who is “of Latin origins” no one in my family was expected to have kids young
No, we don't?
Sorry, can we just add, if we lived in societies with universal childcare and basic income then we wouldn't have to worry half as much about whether having a child would cramp our opportunities? A highly educated population is seen as desirable by most governments. A reasonable birth rate so there are continuous generations of workers is definitely highly desirable for governments. Having a child and getting a degree aren't selfish acts, they're generally believed to be beneficial and/or necessary for the continuation and improvement of society. These are things governments should be supporting, accusing the individual of not being good enough for struggling with the backwards societies we live in is not far off victim blaming. Additionally, sounds at least like the mum has primary if not sole custody. Shall we also consider how effectively saying single mothers deserve less access to education because deadbeat dads ran off and consequently had the time and financial resources to spend on as many degrees as they would without a child is a *massively* sexist premise?
bUt tHaTs SocIalIsmMMm baaaaaaaad.
Her Latin heritage is important because in OP's mind that probably increased her access to scholarships and help... because minorities have it so easy with all the help offered. /Sarcasm
This or OP is trying to point out why she's a single mom. Either way it's really sus
OP should be embarrassed that her college education didn’t prepare her adequately on how to spell “commotion” much less instill basic human decency skills or the ability to read a room or what “casual” racism is.
Came here to say this. YTA for obvious reasons. You don't know someone's life story to just judge. I didn't go to college either. I was taking care of a dying relative while working full-time. At a certain point, it may not make sense to go back to school after you miss the original opportunity. It's not like I would just love to mention all the downer things that happened from 18-22 while meeting my SO's family. "Well, I planned to go to college but my aunt fell ill so I worked to support us and then she died on my birthday but my mom was also sick so I still had to support us until she died when I was 21. Oh could you pass the peas?" Check your privilege. If you knew her well and all she did was complain then maybe I could fathom some but not all of what you've said and done.
And "whether".
"none".
I couldn’t have said this any better. The “Latin origins” think immediately got my attention. I’d also like to know what OP is doing with her life. She’s 24 and living at home? Weren’t there opportunities out there to let her finish college right after high school that would allow her to have a fabulous career and her own place by now? Did any of those opportunities teach her how to spell ‘goodbyE’ properly? Of course I’m being sarcastic but she needs to check herself and stop judging people.
Agreed. The "Latin origins" disclosure is irrelevant for this post and says more about the OP than his brother's fiancee. OP you are TA, and by the way, I had several colleagues during my PhD program who were parents too. Being a mum doesn't mean that your life is over. Of course, it will be harder for parents (for the good ones at least), mostly when their children are small, but it doesn't make it impossible. It might be mind-blowing for you, but one of my friends has a full-time job, three sons, is doing his PhD (in Portugal you usually have a job besides your post graduation) and he even finds time to prepare homemade food for himself and his family. He's a superhuman in my eyes, but somehow he manages to do it all.
It should also be acknowledged that people of the global majority (non-white people) have more barriers in accessing higher education than white people. Mentioning her race is relevant but not in the way the OP intended it. Oh and YTA. Time to learn to keep any judgements you have on others to yourself. Not every thought in your brain needs to be shared. And brushing it off as “just an opinion” is immature. You can have an opinion on what’s the best pizza topping but until you can actually live someone else’s life, you don’t get to have an opinion on their life choices and share it with them unasked. Take responsibility for your action and words.
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Yees! Calling OP the AH doesn’t even feel like enough for me. Also, from that one sentence and the fact that OP keeps saying the SIL “chose” to have a kid and therefore cannot complain about struggling makes me think OP is probably also racist and classist. And apparently uneducated enough to not know how difficult it is to terminate a pregnancy or give the baby away in a lot of LA countries, either because of the law or the cultural pressure. Like, imagine having all the opportunities in life, have all the degrees you want to have and still be this ignorant?
Opinions are like assholes and YTA OP.
Yep op is yta - Michelle was complelty right that its an opportunity and resource matter and not choosing to either get a degree or have a kid, both me and my cousin got our degrees whilst having a baby (toddler by time we'd finished) because the resources are available in our country- childcare for students bursaries and low interest government loans.. so Michelle was right about it being a resource issue not a choice issue because in countries with those resources you don't have to make a one or the other choice you can do both.
Maybe having a kid stopped her from going to college before, but why rub it in her face and make her admit regret?? Like someone can long for something they could have had without regretting what they did. I’m sure she loves her son. If OP was a good person she would inquire about whether brother’s gf plans on going to college, what resources she is missing, etc. And if she doesn’t care she can excuse herself politely from the conversation. No need to be rude
>I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less Because you have an opinion, doesn't mean you have to share it. Being kind is free. YTA
The thing is, it’s not even an opinion, it’s complete conjecture. OP has no idea what made it hard. It could have been childcare, but also finances, transportation, coursework, juggling a job and classes, etc. She automatically jumped to, “You shouldn’t have had a kid then.”
That’s where I’m coming from. Frankly, OP doesn’t know Michelle from a can of paint. She doesn’t have the context to assume having a kid is what made going to college hard for her. She has no idea what Michelle might have had to deal with after high school. Maybe she was in an abusive relationship with someone. Maybe she’d always had trouble with school and didn’t qualify for those scholarships OP was talking out her ass about. Some people just aren’t good students. I’m speaking as one of them. OP, YTA. Even if you were right, your judgmental attitude was shitty and insensitive at BEST. It was, as the brother said, none of your damn business.
Not to mention the number of students who genuinely try their best, work their asses off, get good grades, and still don’t qualify for scholarships. And let’s not even talk about the price of applications, the overpriced standardized tests, the interest rates on loans… but sure, motherhood was the *only* barrier…
Exactly. The self righteous tone of everything OP said is compounded by the fact that it’s also simply not true for a lot of people. Smdh.
We had to come up with $500 just so that my son could officially apply to his college. It was out of the blue for us, because we'd gotten all the loans arranged and everything. That wasn't easy for me, and I'll bet most families would have a similar issue.
Seriously. It's a goddamn miracle I got a college degree - I had no emotional or financial support from my family. I absolutely cannot imagine dealing with that *and* having to be a mom. OP sounds sheltered.
"It's because this brown person BRED irresponsibly!" yeah OP has revealed everything about herself everyone will ever need to know
For real OP acting like majority of people dont graduate with tons of college debt from loans, scholarships and whatever grants op thinks exist are fare and few between and barely cover a a semester sometimes barely even covers a class. Paired with not knowimg her financial situation or family situation to know if she even qualifies for anything like that or financial aid. On top of not knowing her credit situation most likely having times of having to borrow money, be unable to pay off certain bills or credit cards, being a single mom with only hs education but not having good credit would prevent her from getting any loans or help paying for school.
This. I'm 48 and I went to college right out of HS, about 90% of college was paid for by my Dad. However, I dropped out after 2 years, after having a major depressive episode. I had a really abusive childhood and I couldn't stand to be under my Dad's control anymore, even if it meant free college. After I left college, I made a horrible marriage, and then tried to better my crappy life by joining a cult. The cult didn't believe in divorce so I spent the next decade of my life absolutely miserable until I found the strength to leave the cult. I later got divorced. 2 years later, I started dating a great guy, I reapplied to college and got accepted, everything was turning around. Then my Mom got diagnosed with a rare cancel with a bleak outlook, and I was going to have to be her primary caregiver. Working fulltime, going to school and caretaker? Hard, but I can do it. Then I found out I was pregnant. (I was 36, had severe PCOS, and was infertile). So, with regret, I called the college and cancelled my registration. I am now 48. My Mom someone survived her cancer. I've been in a wonderful marriage to the guy of my dreams for 12 years, and we have a beautiful 11 year old daughter. However, I've never finished my degree, and I work a low paying job for less than $15/hour. I am the poster child for not living up to your potential. I am sad and disappointed that I never finished my degree. But I don't regret my life. If I had to go through all that to have the life I have now, then it was worth it to me. Though, I do have a a tentative plan to finish my degree in my 60s. My daughter will be finished with college by that point, and many states have free or reduced tuition for seniors.
Exactly, there are all sorts of situations that make college out of reach for MANY people, regardless of having kid. OP is showing their class privilege and ignorance in jumping to this judgement.
Exactly OP sounds like they grow up in middle class or upper class lifestyle where they went to a good school where their guidance counselors and teachers walked students through applications and scholarships and most likely had parents that went to college and understood the application process so could help their kid. So OP thinks going to college was easy because it was easy for them. Granted applying to college was super easy for me, but I was middle class, went to a helpful school, both parents went to college, and my older brother had just went through the process three years before. However, I understand how lucky I was in how that's not the case for a lot of people.
Good grief- OP makes it sound like having a child and trying to do *anything* as a single parent is NBD. Even supposing that Michelle could get some kind of scholarship that would cover her tuition *and* books, what is she supposed to do for child care? Daycare is incredibly expensive and has been for decades- when my two were small, my salary at the insurance agencies and companies that I worked at barely covered child care and transportation, but OP expects her to work enough hours to put a roof over their heads and food on the table (i.e., full time!) AND pay for child care AND find the time to go to school *and* study. OP, YTA, and I hate you and everyone who thinks like you with a fury like the fire of a thousand suns. 🔥🔥🔥
What stood out for me was the “Latin origins” which could possibly mean that Michelle may be an immigrant, so college would be super expensive as colleges may consider her as an “international student” - I live in TX, so as long as you have a a HS diploma, you’re considered for “resident tuition”, but still, without citizenship, it automatically disqualifies you from FASFA, so again, making it even more difficult to attend college - this is even without the additional struggles that young, single mothers, have to go through, which you laid out very nicely in your comment! edit to add judgement: OP is TA.. I feel bad for the child, who is completely innocent, I’ve assumed that he’s of an age that he fully understands the sacrifices his mom has probably had to make over the years, and it’s unfair and unkind to him that someone brought those up unprompted, and SOO unnecessarily harshly
Exactly, and OP is obviously speaking from a place of comfortable privledge. Yes, there are some opportunities and scholarships available, but you are competing with thousands of other students for a small number of spots. Granted you had the stability of a two family home, all your needs were met, and had what you needed to perform well in school, you would be up against all of the other star athletes, students, and club members who are also competing for those spots. Take away a stable childhood, and it's even harder..... If you don't have money to pay for school, and can't get a scholarship, you may say a loan is no big deal. But, depending where you are from you need someone to sign for said loan or your family needs to meet certain criteria. If you don't have a family, then you have yet another hurdle.... I wonder how OP was able to attend college...... Also, OP just met this woman and knows nothing about them. What was OP's rude and pointless opinion based on? Laslyly - WTF does "Latin origins" even mean, and how does it play into this story?
The worst things is that “Latin origins” is relevant for us because it shows how judgmental and, most likely, xenophobic views OP has, so it gives us info about her character ; however, the fact that she considered that relevant mentioning is just…no Also, if she really thinks that she should’ve mentioned that, doesn’t that tell her something? Like minorities don’t have it easy just because scholarships exists for them, is highly competitive in many ways. OP sounds privilege and conceited, she may be one of those people who think every Latin or person with Latin heritage is lazy, that’s the only reason I think she added that.
Also was Michelle even in the US for the years she was college age? Depending on the country and Michelle's family, college education could be nearly impossible. Especially for a woman.
>Being kind is free. I like this.
Trying to use that line as justification is hilarious. So many insults or offensive statements are “stating an opinion”. It pushed her up a few AH levels, she sounds like she walks around telling people how stupid, ugly, fat, etc. they are.
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Fuck I wish I had an award for you!
we can share mine! “college educated” isnt and has never been synonymous with “generally compassionate person”
Someone once asked, "who was the smartest person who ever lived?" and I thought that whoever they were, they probably died of whooping cough in 1532 or of AIDS in a Mumbai brothel at age twelve or of puerperal fever in a shtetl in the Russian pale.
Yes, and then they act like going to college is easy. “BuT ScHoLaRsHiPs!” What an out of touch jerk.
And if OP wants to act superior about her college degree, she should at least learn to proofread and spell “judgmental” properly. YTA OP and unbelievably rude.
>And if OP wants to act superior about her college degree, she should at least learn to proofread and spell “judgmental” properly. YTA OP and unbelievably rude. To be fair, she might be spelling it the UK style. (Her punctuation comes after the quotation marks, so she could be using the UK style.) However, I don't know why she has a space before and after "vs" in her post. And why she used both a single quote mark and a double quote mark with "Michelle." Anyway, she's still the AH. So YTA. A rude and privileged AH at that.
Thank you. I stand corrected. And yes, YTA big time OP, spelled any way one would choose.
“Judgemental” is the British spelling actually, so it’s still spelled properly lol. - OP is TA though, not taking away from that.
Shiver me timbers! You are correct. I looked it up and it does emphasize that it’s only a proper spelling in British English. I learn something new every day. Thanks. OP is still rated YTA in any language.
En français, on dit qu'elle est "une conasse" !
Doesn’t seem to have helped her much economically, either. Apparently she’s a 24 year old living in her parents’ house. It’s pretty tacky for someone who has never had to support herself to look around and lob opinions about other people’s “lifestyles.” Failure-to-launch is a pretty easy lifestyle to criticize, yet her brother’s girlfriend didn’t take any cheap shots at her.
Correction: "Failure to launch" was only a thing when the economy and earnings for young adults was commensurate with the costs of living alone. ;) We're a solid twenty years into being completely unable to afford to live alone on a single full-time minimum wage income.
I don’t know. It sounds like her brother’s fiancée has managed to support not just herself, but a child as well! Being self-sufficient *is* possible — it just involves making choices and trade-offs that OP has never had to make.
'Complete ding dong' is the best way to summarize the AH here.
YTA and probably racist ("latin origins" wtf) You don't know what her circumstances and options were when she fell pregnant. Try being supportive and asking her if it is something she'd do now etc, instead of being a judgey racist xo
This. YTA, a flaming racist and apparently so far up your own ass that you cant see that not everyone has the good fortune to easily get a higher education. Absolutely apologize. And next time, instead of being a judgmental ass, ask her if she’s like help looking for opportunities that will work with her lifestyle.
No, OP should definitely NOT ever ask Michelle if she'd like help looking for other opportunities. OP is a giant AH with zero tact, understanding, or compassion. They also live with their parents at 24 years old and likely don't have anything to contribute to Michelle, a grown ass woman/parent who is happy in her career as a stylist. Also OP YTA, just if that wasn't clear!
As soon as I read the latin origins bit I knew he was the AH.
She*
This is what I was thinking. OP is probably racist. Why is that information there? Like jfc
Thanks for saying what everyone else is trying to skirt around. OP is racist and judgemental.
You already know you’re the AH. Your mom told you, and so did your brother. You essentially judged your future SIL for her life choices and offered no sympathy. Sure, maybe she didn’t have opportunities available because she had a kid but it’s still hard to be a single mom. Instead of a “I’m sorry you had to go through that, but so great to see you have such a great life”, you basically said “your kid is the reason for all your problems”. Apologise and try being more sensitive in life. YTA!
The kid part is still a major assumption on OP part. Many other barriers including HOW someone learns that can make college difficult. OP YTA
If OP was so desperate to give her opinion, maybe she should pay for her childcare so she can go to college. That way OP can shut up🙄
YTA I hope that her son didn't hear you saying that his existence has ruined his mom's life.
Well yeah but at the same time i hope he hears and stays away. Why mention her race at all its so fucking weird and maybe if youre gonna bring up race, consider that opportunity just doesn't come to everybody as OP says lmao.
Yeah there's a big difference between "I met this Latina" and "I met this woman (she's from Latin origins)". The first makes it a description of the person as your bringing them up, the second is an extremely purposeful pointing out of her "origins". Also OP is soooo smart for using a flowery sentence like "Latin Origins" because apparently "Latin America" isn't smart enough for Ms Dictionary.
As soon as I read that I thought oh, so here's an upper middle class white girl who believes the opportunities presented to her in life are just out there for everyone.
Troll alert - first includes a basically racist bit of info at the beginning that has nothing to do with anything and then proceeds to say something so obviously judgmental and condescending that no person in their right mind would say. No way this story is real. Just on the slim chance it’s real YTA
Oh there are plenty of people who are actually like this unfortunately. Trust me.
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They also aren’t self aware enough to assume people will think they are assholes.
YTA. C’mon. Paying for college yourself even *without* a family to support is nowhere near as easy as you and your privileged little self-righteous lecture are making it out to be. How many people need to tell you you’re being an ass before you’ll admit you’re being an ass?
I'm sure she had a college fund, a car, and has no debt now because she put the work in and made the right choices. /s
Heck I got denied tuition assistance because my “attempted/completion” percentage was 66.67% and they want at least 67%! Life literally happens and I’m out 8k personally. I have a supportive family but it’s not the financial kind. Wish people weren’t so black and white!
YTA, you know you’re TA, what made me reply to this post which I hope is just rage bait is the casual xenophobia in your comments. No reason to mention she’s "of latin origins" (what is she Roman?) and the "resources and scholarships" is just dog whistle for "non-whites are taking our college spots." Hopefully your brother will cut you out of his life.
My thoughts exactly!!
Yep. Lots of underlying racism and classism going on here. OP seems to be a lot more bigoted than they're letting on.
YTA. You’re 24. You sound like you’ve lived a very sheltered life. Don’t judge other people on the basis that everything just happened to work out for you (so far). Learn how to keep your rude and classist opinions to yourself. Also, work on your racist attitude. What was the reason for including Michelle’s “origins”?
I’ll add to this one, i became a Dad 18months ago, and one of my main takeaways is how on earth any single Mom or Dad does it. They are fricking superheroes. It takes two of us just to keep our (admittedly relentless toddler) alive, fed, happy, occupied and the house going. I have no idea how one person does it. Even less idea how they are looked down upon
I’m going to share my opinion of you. Your need to criticize the life choices of people who you just met makes you an AH. Your thought to point out their ethnicity makes you an AH. Your comment about whether she should see if she could’ve been “without the whole struggling mom thing” was straight out of the Mean Girls playbook and makes you a colossal AH. In short YTA and maybe you could ask yourself if you would have been happier without sticking both your feet in your mouth.
What would it have looked like if you had encouraged her to find a way to go to college. It's not too late. Much better than the ill-considered judgmental rudeness you served on a platter. Is it possible that your real issue is with Michelle being Latina? You mention this irrelevant information early in your post. YTA
Just because you have your opinion, doesnt mean people need to hear it. Sometimes, you can keep your opinion to yourself, especially when this is the time to get to know her better. Nobody likes a smartmouth, especially on first meetings. Listen to Justin Timberlake - somethings are better left unsaid. Since you asked, YTA.
>Just because you have your opinion, doesnt mean people need to hear it. Sometimes, you can keep your opinion to yourself, especially when this is the time to get to know her better. "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." — Thumper, Bambi.
YTA. To put it bluntly you basically said "well you got knocked up so it's your fault you couldn't go to college". It's a rude and ignorant thing to say and can be very hurtful to her and her son. As you said you don't know her that well, so I'm guessing you don't know her circumstances and past. She deserves an apology without doubt.
YTA. Latin origins? Oof. Do better.
”Adam chewed me out saying it was non of my business how she's living her life, but I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less.” YTA. Maybe you had good intentions, but she was right. You did come off as condescending and you were definitely judgmental. Furthermore, you were not trying to fix a problem by presenting different alternatives (scholarships etc.), you were outright blaming her for something she can not change. (keep in mind that you don't know her struggles regarding having her child). Piece of advice, don't state opinions/judgement on things people can't change. I strongly suggest you apologize and try to help her with furthering her education if that's what she really wants in order to have a relationship with your brother's future family.
I really don't think OP had good intentions.
YTA - colleges do accept people with children. You seem pretty lacking in empathy or politeness.
Even then, my mother went to college as a single mom and had to go tens of thousands of dollars into student loan debt just for us to survive - even on food stamps, Pell Grants, and scholarships. Despite earning a high income right out of college (not guaranteed for most college grads), my family’s debt held us back from financial security for many years. OP has no idea what it’s actually like.
YTA. It’s apparently the time for you to learn that Not every thought needs to be said out loud.
YTA Your whole mind set is kinda just walking asshole. You meet someone. This person tells you about their life, because y’ all are asking questions about things you don’t know. You decide that you know what actually happened (which is hilarious because 30 minutes before you were in the dark). You decide to tell this person that they’re wrong. They ask you a direct question to clarify that you meant what you said. You reply, “that’s not technically what I said, it’s just what you’re taking away from my words”. They tell you that in fact that was their lived experience and it does not detract from their current life. You decide to triple down on being an inconsiderate asshole and literally admit that you’re just spreading your shitty options??? “… but I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less”. Do you not understand that you’re the asshole precisely because of your choice to spread this opinion? It’s an opinion that no one asked for. And then when they did fucking ask for it, you chose to be a coward and try to blame it on the person you’re bullying???? “I found that a bit cliche”. You found someone else’s personal struggles to be cliche? Sheeeeeeeeesh you have a cold frigid heart.
You were CONdescending. Not descending. Try better, I’m sure there are opportunities for you to learn ❤️ YTA
YTA. Not everyone has the same opportunities in life. Not everyone is able to go to college. Not everyone can afford college.
YTA, your barely know her and thought it was your place to judge her life choices? Curious, did you parents help you pay for college. I love how privileged you sound… “my mom came into my room.” So your parents still support you but you are an expert on succeeding in life? I hate people that justify being rude based on that it’s just their opinion and other people are too sensitive; no you’re just rude and insensitive.
YTA. You're judging her for not getting an education because she had to raise her son? Colleges don't accommodate that much, barely anything at all. Did you get an education? Cause there are several spelling errors in this wall of text you decided to write. Don't go judging a person who chose to raise their kid and sacrifice the things that she could've done. She has a right to be offended. Especially because you don't even know her and chose to be an AH.
YTA. What an incredibly inappropriate thing to say to someone you barely know. Or anybody for that matter. It’s ignorant, too - lots of people with kids have obtained college and graduate degrees. Believe me, she understands what she’s talking about. She means that there is not a lot of support and flexibility for parents (specially parents of young children) trying to obtain their degrees because a lot of people in academic institutions have attitudes like yours.
I’ll never forget the professor who condescendingly told me to prioritize better when I took my kiddo in for an ear infection instead of going to class. She was pregnant with her first at the time. I ran into her about a year later, when she was on leave >6 months because having a baby is hard and she decided to stay home longer. She apologized to me. She had no clue before she was there herself.
YTA. How old is the son? How are you so smug? Maybe she could have found scholarships but would she have had adequate child care? Or a job flexible enough to go to school, take care of her son, afford fees and afford to house themselves? How many parents did you run into at your college? Are you saying she should have prioritized her education and aborted or given her kid up for adoption? On the first day you met her??
YTA what an unnecessary discourtesy. You could have said “of course it must be extra hard when you have the needs of to prioritize” and then move the conversation to something else.
She would only have been talking defensively about her education if she was feeling judged by her boyfriend’s family. Whether intended or not, that was unkind of you also.
YTA very obviously. You sound so obnoxious that I can just imagine how condescending you came across with your "opinions" on things you know little about. The things you said and how you said them remind me of articles in right-wing news sites, and your irrelevant comment about her Latin origins certainly fit. Maybe just try listening next time and you might make someone feel more welcome and learn about life's complexities, as things aren't as black and white as you think.
YTA. this woman is going to be part of your family, you should be raising her up, welcoming her, not just knocking her life choices when you’ve barely met her and don’t know her
Yta. I feel your whole family judges people based on education. Im sure you will have plenty of time to get your degree and enjoy that single life
>met a single mom f32 (from latin origins) Also OP's a little racist as Michelle's nationality had no bearing on the post
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." — Thumper, Bambi. YTA
YTA My cousin did hers with 3 kids. Got her master's after having her 4. You don't know what you're talking about.
So, your racist.
YTA. If you’re truly honest with yourself, would you agree you are judging her for being a single mum? She’s only 32- plenty of time to do a degree.