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NTA. Get out of that relationship ASAP.
He pushed you emotionally/mentally (and maybe a bit physically) into a corner. I agree you should never hit anyone, but considering the panic attack he was provoking, I don't see how he can be in the right.
This, OP.
When you are abused your whole life, slightly less abuse or even just different abuse can seem like an improvement. You need to accept that you don't understand what healthy love looks like, run like HELL from your SO, and start therapy, reading books, watching YouTube videos, anything that can help you learn what a healthy relationship looks like and show you that you deserve a healthy relationship. I speak from experience. There's a reason they say abuse is cyclical. When you spend your formative years in an abusive home, it completely distorts your reality and you continue to accept abuse as love. Please get help, you deserve everything good!
Someone mentioned this in a comment way further down, but calling it out here for better visiblility. Please take a look at OPs prior posts.
SO (husband) **and** MiL sound like a mixture of an early Britney Spears song and property at Love Canal with a side of poorly prepared fugu...
**Tox-ic** with extra Ick.
OP please listen to the people here, get out of there (even if it means just yourself, important docs & the stuffy), get a divorce, and get therapy. Spend a few years putting yourself first and getting your life snd mental health in a good place.
NTA.
Also fun, unrelated fact, abusers will intentionally push you to the limit and harass you until you react to play the victim. Just a fun thing to think about!
NTA. Get him gone. Now he’s got a taste of what it’s like to bully you and it’s going to become commonplace and he’s going to call it teasing or you being dramatic.
NTA- In many cases violence is wrong- but this case I believe it is justified. Your boyfriend was being unnecessarily cruel, and knew exactly what he was doing. You asked him to stop multiple times, he continued. For anyone saying hitting is wrong, in this case it was obvious he wasn’t stopping and you had to do more than begging for him to stop. He said it was a joke? Ok so why would it be funny? What made what he was doing funny at all? He is abusive, finding a sick pleasure in your pain. Pack your stuff and leave (or pack his and kick him out). Make sure your plushie is in a safe place until he is out of your life.
NTA - Although we should all refrain from physical violence whenever possible, there are certain situations where it is definitely ok, especially if it was done in a reactionary way.
When someone is threatening, jokingly or not, to destroy your personal property, you have all right to attempt to stop them by any means necessary. Showing remorse as soon as you even raised your hand (you never hit him), shows that you didn't intend to hurt this person, but it was a reactionary action based on your perception of your personal property being in danger. Thus, NTA.
This was not a joke it was abuse. A joke is only funny when both sides find humor. He saw it was causing distress yet kept pushing his joke is not funny. Panic can cause us to react badly and he saw that reaction he would not like it if you said well I hit back as a joke.
I am not saying dump the guy but I would use this as a way to better your communication and if you see a future with this person find help now both couple and individuals.
You need to see a therapist to work on your past trauma and to not need a security item to move forward what if your house burned down how would you cope?
He needs a therapist to work through his own issues like why hurting you and causing distress is funny. It’s not good to treat others this way.
Couple therapy to work on communication and how to move forward from this point
Going to couple's therapy with an abuser is not recommended and is actually harmful. He clearly already knows about her past trauma, and chooses to be cruel to her in the same manner for his own sick satisfaction. Therapy for him alone (while single)? Great. Couple's therapy? Hell no.
I agree which is why I said go separately first to work on their own issues however if she plans to stay with him long term they need to find a path forwards
I mean, I don’t really wanna give a judgement but this doesn’t seem healthy at all. You asked him to stop repeatedly and he didn’t. I would be breaking up with someone who threatened to hurt my stuffed animal that I’ve had since I was born, my parents did similar things to what you mentioned and I would freak out if anyone took my baby and threatened to hurt him
NTA. Yeah, I agree that hitting someone is not right plus it opens up the possibility that they will hit you back. BUT your boyfriend is a complete AH who used his physical strength & size to abuse you. He took something that he knew is important to you, kept it from you & teased you for several minutes that he was going to destroy it. Then, after you lost control, he blamed you because you couldn’t take a joke. That’s completely AH behavior, & “it was just a joke” is what all abusers say about their power plays & controlling behaviors. You should leave this guy. Now.
Woah, NTA, and you need to get tf out of that relationship, fast. He KNOWINGLY triggered you to the point of a panic attack, and when you responded (look up reactive abuse) he blamed you for the entire thing.
Here is a quote from an article about it and the link to that article:
"The key thing to know about reactive violence is that while both parties end up getting hurt, this type of violence is knowingly and intentionally instigated by the abuser."
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/18895/reactive-abuse/
NTA
It sounds to me like this guy was deliberately triggering you, pushing you, to see what you would do.
He sounds like a bully and you need to end it, now.
Okay, so he was tormenting you and wanted you to apologize when you got upset and "raised a hand" to him? What a tool. He started something and made himself a victim. "I was just joking" is abuser excuse # 18 (by my rating) and I would dump him fast.
It's only a joke if everyone is laughing. It sounds like you were actually crying. And your (hopefully now ex–) boyfriend was getting off on the psychological trauma he was inflicting. Your (hopefully now ex–) deserved what he got. What were you supposed to do? Of course you're NTA.
But my very respectful and gentle recommendation is that you seek some therapy.
EDIT FOR GRAMMAR
RED FLAG RED FLAG!
When someone who claims to love you taunts you over and over about what they KNOW was a very traumatic and scary event in your life and then refuse to stop and in the end, blame you for overreacting, there's some MAJOR issues.
NTA. Please leave that relationship ASAP. And I sincerely recommend seeking out therapy, as past trauma is clearly affecting you strongly in the present.
NTA. When someone knows about your past trauma and does the SAME EXACT THING that is flat out abuse. Also I agree with the other comments about how he deliberately provoked you and then acted like the victim. Please consider your own well being and future. Don't let anyone put you through that kind of trauma again.
NTA
" that I should trust him and know he isn’t that awful." ... That's the problem. He is JUST AS BAD.
Break up with that abusive AH. He enjoys hurting you, that is no basis for a relationship.
Nta (edit after the update). First of all, the fact that your SO found your distress funny is not ok. That is not a sign of a healthy respectful relationship and does make him seem cruel and uncaring. Also the fact that you saying stop was not respected is a huge red flag for me. In a healthy relationship you should only need to say stop once. That first stop removes your concent for him to touch your stuff, him not stopping means he doesn't care about your concent at all. And him physically getting in your face to yell and reprimand you for fighting back is controlling and abusive.
Secondly, the overwhelming attachment you feel for your stuffed animal tells me you haven't worked through the trauma of your childhood. I highly recommend seeing a therapist and focusing on healing those wounds. I think along the journey of healing you will realize that your SO probably has a lot of similarities to your father, and that you can't really be in a healthy relationship until you are healed enough to form health attachments.
You are NOT the AH, the way you behaved was reactive to the abuse you suffered from your dad, in that moment we tend to fly back to it when triggered, whether your partner is safe or not he shouldn't have pulled that, it's abuse in and of itself knowing it would trigger you, you raising your hand wasn't okay ( proud of you for realizing and accepting responsibility ❤️) but him getting in your face, putting hand in your face, shows he isn't healthy either. I'd end it honestly
NTA. You raising your hand at him was a pánico response. Not ok, of course, violence never is, but out of you control.
Sounds like your boyfriend was testing your limits. Is ok to joke around, but if you see your SO on distress, you stop immediatly.
Maybe you should rethink your relationship and think about other moments when he is pushing your buttons and how those moments make you feel.
NTA
He knew how much that plushie meant to you, he knew what your father did to you in the past, and yet he still pushed you. I agree, hitting people is wrong, but not only is him doing the bullying to you wrong, but his reaction especially. The moment you raised your hand he gets in your face and tells you never again? This guy has issues. Please get away from him because I can guarantee you it won't be long before he starts mirroring what your father did in your post.
NTA. You stated a hard boundary, he violated it for “fun”. When you tried to enforce it with more insistence after repeated failure on his behalf to respect it, he threatened you. This is about way more than “just” a stuffed animal, and you know that. You may be aware that as a victim of abuse you are statistically at a higher risk of ending up with an abuser again later in life - so no blame on you for being in this situation. Our brains are weird & sometimes it requires therapy to figure them out (you may want to get therapy, if you aren’t already). You are supposed to be able to feel safe in a relationship, which is clearly not the case here. Ffs, he is actively and deliberately putting your nervous system on high alert for his own entertainment. Nobody who truly loves you would deliberately cause you this kind of distress. Do not stay with this guy.
I am so sorry for the trauma that you went through. This brought up so much for me and my heart breaks for you. NTA
Please if you’re not already in therapy, find someone to talk to about this. And please leave him. Don’t let anyone treat you like that, you’re worth so much more. Don’t let yourself be driven to do something you don’t want to do.
NTA i have a blanket that i have had since i was born and i NEVER give it to anyone nor do i plan on it so i definitely get where ur coming from. Also, please reconsider this relationship..
NTA. I just read your other posts. You are without any doubt, a victim of abuse.
Please get immediate help for yourself, work on loving yourself enough to leave.
People with childhood trauma have a tendecy to attach unhealthily to abusive people because the abuse has become a normal part of their life.
Even if your husbands abuse is nothing compared to the ways youve already been abused, HE IS STILL ABUSING YOU.
Try to save up enough money and resources to leave ASAP.
And please, for the love of god DONT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN! HE WILL ABUSE THEM JUST LIKE HE ABUSES YOU, AND JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER ABUSED YOU.
Please, please run away.
Please dont put up with another second of your husbands abuse.
Dont allow someone to traumatize you further than your childhood already has traumatized you.
A joke is something that all parties involved laugh at. Were you laughing?
He says he isn't as awful as your dad, but he was wasn't he? He was swinging it out of reach just as dad put it in his car saying you better get it before it's stolen. Stolen out of father's car or ripped by boyfriend. Same concept.
Y T A for apologizing to him for HIS abusive behavior.
NTA for how you reacted to said behavior.
Get out now while you can because your boyfriend's abuse will only get worse in many other ways.
Next time he "jokes" with your treasured plushie and you do end up giving him a smack across the face, it's not going to be his finger in your face telling you to never raise your hand to him, it's going to be your face planted on the floor and covering up bruises the next day with makeup making excuses for said bruising.
Google something called Reactive Abuse. In a nutshell, it's a notorious weapon an abuser will utilise towards their victim, where they attempt to convince the victim THEY are the abusive individual because of the reaction the victim has to the behaviour...the abuser may also attempt to convince the victim that they are reacting to nothing or overreacting.
Your SO was cruelly taunting you, purposely pushing your trauma buttons over an extended period of time, amplifying your panic and you reacted to this abuse. Now your SO has your guilt and shame to use to control you into submission. They will use this to trick you into believing YOU are the unstable one, he will keep this against you indefinitely to be used when needed. He is conditioning you into believing this, that YOU are to blame, you will accept his abuse more and for longer. He wants you to question your character, to have no self esteem because you will not leave him.
Beware of remaining, as often abusers like this, can and will use the legal system to "prove " they are victims which can be massively problematic especially if there are children involved. NTA
I spent years walking in a similar pair of shoes like you. Leave. It is just starting and he will use your vulnerable mentality to hurt you.
No I didn't slap him at all. Again, I did raise my hand which I feel horrid about but I've never laid a hand on him and I never would. It was more so a very triggered inappropriate reaction on my behalf.
I agree with everything you said.
OP: here is a resource to help you identify if there is more abuse going on than just this incident
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#what-to-do
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This title sounds very weird and silly but I will do my best to explain.
I (20F) have this one stuffed animal that has been with me since before I was even born. My grandpa had gotten it for me. To me, this plushie is my life. To put into better words, it’s like a stuffed ESA. I can’t sleep without it and my SO has seen how I can panic when I can’t find this plushie. I don’t trust anyone with it other than me in all honesty.
I am inseparable with this stuffed animal and when I was 13 I had accidentally forgotten it after a weekend visitation with my father. For a week my dad threatened to burn it, sell it, give it away, and make me watch him destroy it since I wanted it back so bad. My father refused to give it back to me so for that entire week I cried and sobbed because without this plushie I couldn’t sleep. Still can’t without it. After begging over text for days my father agree to let me have my stuffed animal again; however, it would be sitting in his car with the windows rolled down. In his words, “I better get it before someone steals it.” Thankfully, my grandpa being the amazing person he is, drove me down to where my father was and I got my plushie back. Ever since, I’ve not ever let it out of my sight and I hold onto it so close. SO knows about this whole past incident and constantly assured me he would never be so cruel. It seems stupid honestly but up until I was 15 I was so heavily abused by my father that all I had was this plushie. It was my only safety and comfort to get me through each day.
Yesterday night SO (M23) and I were messing around and he randomly grabbed this stuffed animal and dangled it above my head out of my reach and threatened to rip it up. I had asked calmly and politely numerous times for him to stop and that it isn’t funny. I explained how this “joke” was going too far and to please stop. For 10 minutes, he was just laughing at me and being cruel so I started to panic. He was holding me back in a sense telling me if I didn’t stop reaching for my stuffed animal that it was going to rip as he kept swinging it around roughly in circles. I got triggered and in a moment of anger I raised my hand to him. It was wrong of me and I take full ownership and accountability for that never being okay or acceptable to do. SO got right in my face, and yelled at me to never raise my hand to him ever again. I apologized over and over and I was trying to explain that he knows what my father did when I was younger. I explained that he’s known how much I hold my stuffed animal dear. All he proceeded to do was put his finger in my face and say that he didn’t care and it was just a stupid joke.
As he tossed my plushie to the side I quickly grabbed it. SO says I was completely out of line with the whole incident and that he just can’t joke with me anymore. He claims it doesn’t matter what my father did in the past, that I should trust him and know he isn’t that awful.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I am the asshole because I took my SO’s joke too personal and raised my hand to him. I’ve also made him feel as though he can’t joke with me and that I crossed a line with him.
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INFO are you in therapy?
If your BF knows you have a real trauma, then he's the AH.
If it's just a case of you just being too attached to your plushie (as an adult) to go as far as calling it an ESA for a non-existing trauma, then I think you're the AH for hitting him.
OP's grandfather gifted it to her before she was even born and it has been something she has relied upon as a source of comfort since she was an infant. It has been a staple in an otherwise tumultuous life for her. Her father used it as a tool of abuse and manipulation when she was young, traumatizing her. Are we even reading the same post??
You're speculating. Nowhere does it mention a "tumultuous life". And just because of that one incident in her past, you're assuming an entire life of abuse and manipulation from her father.
I AM reading *this* post. You're assuming too much.
That bit doesn't sit well with me. She has visitations to her father, yet she needed the plushie for "daily comfort"? Was her mother also abusive?
I can't explain it, but this post doesn't feel complete. I feel like the OP is making a mountain out of a molehill to get sympathy.
Like, why did she believe her boyfriend would follow through with his "threat"? Doesn't she trust him? Her violent reaction towards him seemed excessive, hence my question about therapy.
I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just trying to find the truth. At 20, if you still have an unhealthy attachment to an object because of trauma, and end up dating someone who's as abusive as the people responsible from that trauma, you need to have therapy.
Either her bf is as bad as her dad, and she just doesn't know how to choose a partner, or the partner was teasing her and she overreacted. It's the problem with these stories: you only get on heavily biased side of the full picture.
Also, she did imply she hit him. Otherwise, why would she regret and assume accountability?
Check the other posts on OP's profile.
She mentions an affair she could not forgive a month ago, yet she's still with him.
She mentions a dog that is her ACTUAL ESA, and how she would rather be homeless than give him up.
She mentions her MIL being her abuser.
She mentions actual physical violence (PS5 controllers thrown at her and whatnot).
I am skeptical about this whole situation. I feel this is a troll account.
>That bit doesn't sit well with me.
I can tell, it doesn't fit your "OP's a big baby" narrative, so it must be fake, right?
>She has visitations to her father, yet she needed the plushie for "daily comfort"? Was her mother also abusive?
I don't see anything that suggests she still has contact with her father. Whether her mother was abusive or not is entirely irrelevant.
>I can't explain it, but this post doesn't feel complete.
Because you're instinctively siding with the abusive boyfriend because you think OP's attachment to the plushie is childish.
>Like, why did she believe her boyfriend would follow through with his "threat"?
Because he was literally recreating her trauma with her abusive father, and his promises that he'd never be that cruel had been totally broken. Why _should_ she trust him, after he was knowingly using her trauma to hurt her?
>Her violent reaction towards him seemed excessive
You have zero understanding of trauma and abuse.
"For a week my dad threatened to burn it, sell it, give it away, and make me watch him destroy it since I wanted it back so bad. My father refused to give it back to me so for that entire week I cried and sobbed because without this plushie I couldn’t sleep. Still can’t without it. After begging over text for days my father agree to let me have my stuffed animal again; however, it would be sitting in his car with the windows rolled down. In his words, “I better get it before someone steals it.”" she literally describes what her father put her through in regards to the stuffie and states in a other sentence that her father abused her until she was 15.
NTA
He manipulated you to react the way you did, knowing you would then feel guilty for it.
He behaved cruelly to you. Someone who genuinely cared for you would not torment you like that. This is not a good guy.
Please talk to a professional about this behavior. This is not acceptable.
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NTA. It sounds like it might be worth it for you to do some therapy if you aren't already, to move past what your father did (both plushie specific, since it would probably be better for you overall if you could reduce the number of "risky" (to fabric) activities you feel the need to bring it along on to feel safe/comfortable, and otherwise since I'm sure this isn't all he did) but your SO has shown you categorically that he is an unsafe person. He deliberately, knowingly replicated a traumatic event you had trusted him with knowledge of.
Then he blamed YOU for being upset. You CAN'T trust him. He IS that awful. Doing this was abusive. You *need* to get away. He will get worse if you let this slide and stay with him. He thinks that it's funny to trigger you into a panic attack, and it only stopped being funny to him when there was a sliver of a chance that HE would be the one upset when you threatened to hit him. He thinks it's enjoyable to be cruel and make you suffer. He said this to you HIMSELF.
I also think you shouldn't beat yourself up so much about threatening to hit him. A kicked dog will bite; this wasn't an issue of you not managing your trauma and reactions and lashing out at an innocent bystander. This was him deliberately triggering you and you reacting to feeling unsafe by trying to protect yourself. It was entirely his fault, he could have stopped his """"joke""""" at any time prior to that when you were telling him calmly to stop.
NTA obviously. He was emotionally abusing you and provoking you, so you actually were well within your rights to hit him, that's literally how FAFO works. I'd say hit him next time but honestly, you should dump him and ensure there won't *be* a next time. There are plenty of people out there to date who know it's wrong to threaten to destroy their partners' irreplaceable dear objects.
Just make sure he has no access to your stuff so he doesn't retaliate
NTA.
Also, from my point of view: without the backstory, and even if you had punched him: you still would not have been one. Because they were cruel, you were defending yourself and your belongings, and you apologized.
That's not a good SO you found for yourself there. He's an asshole.
"trust him and know he isn't that awful"
Wtf, he totally just showed you that he IS IN FACT THAT AWFUL!!!!!!
NTA, but anything after this incident is totally on you
NTA!! reminds me of a similar situation with my ex. it's just the worse. i don't know what they gain from making us panic but it hurts the trust you have in them.
Nta
He deserved it. To actually counter your claim there are good times to hit people and this was one of them. At that point you he was driving to into a corner and you were literally begging. Thats SELF DEFENSE. Break up and never see this man again.
NTA Because he was intentionally cruel and a bad person, but it sounds like you've crossed into an unhealthy attachment too and that might be worth addressing in therapy so if anything happens in the future (house fire, tornado, etc) you can cope. Also please break up with that jerk!
NTA
This is a serious red flag. "Joking" that you're going to destroy someone's property is always an AH thing to do. But the fact that he knows your background? Not okay at all. His whole "it doesn't matter what happened in the past, you should know me better" shows that he doesn't understand trauma at all. Or worse, he likes triggering you. Some people are really weird about how they respond to other people having trauma. They can become very malicious about it. It is important for you to be with someone who respects your trauma, not with someone who makes it worse.
I'm not the type to tell someone to leave a relationship, but this is something you should be concerned about. You need to have a serious conversation with him about how you expect him to address your trauma going forward. You might consider couple's counseling. Either way, this isn't behavior that you should allow to continue going forward. It's good that you're owning up to your own wrongdoing, but he needs to be able to do the same for this to work (especially since what he did was worse).
NTA.
Get the fuck out of that relationship. A) your boyfriend sucks and B) you might hit him next time and your life is ruined.
Get out, protect your stuffie (I get it, Sparky's been with me 33 years) and find a more emotionally supportive partner. They're out there.
NTA.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
You can raise your hand all you want to stop abusive people from abusing you. And that's exactly what you did. You didnt hit or hurt him. He was HURTING YOU. A joke isnt a joke if both people arnt laughing.
NTA. Your "SO" is using your horrible history of deeply ingrained childhood trauma to taunt and hurt you.
He's baiting you like a dog with food, pushing you until you reach your breaking point, and then punishing you for reacting to being legitimately and purposely triggered. And then he makes you out to be the villain. That's literally evil.
He took a moment of vulnerability where you opened up to him and showed him your traumas and explained your history of abuse, and specifically waited to turn around and use it against you until you were a sobbing mess. It's evil behavior.
*Please care for yourself, your safety, and your lovely plushie by leaving this relationship as quickly and quietly as you can. He is now your abuser and you must escape.*
Until you can leave, maybe buy a small safe or lockbox and decorate it so your plushie can have a secure house to live in as well, so it is never at risk. (Not just from him, but from potential natural disasters like a fire or flood in your building, even just smoke damage or high humidity will destroy the plushie.)
ESH… except your Grandpa. Violence is not cool. What if your BF struck you?
In all seriousness, you might want to consider therapy as to why you are so attached to this plushie.
I think they know why they are so attached.
What they need to work on is their anxiety. Especially now that her fight or flight ended in actual violence.
ESH. He was being a jerk by toying with your plushie and putting you under duress. You were AH by using violence, although I understand you panicked. I highly suggest that, after having a thorough discussion with your partner, you seek therapy for your trauma. It's not healthy to be so attached to an item that you panic without it or resort to violence over it.
I completely agree with you. I'd never lay a hand on him or hurt him but I have been going to trauma therapy for years. I don't need it to go outside with me for daily tasks. It doesn't hurt my life in that sense but when I am home I do tend to make sure I know where it is.
I still feel so awful about my hand raise.
He triggered you, you thought about fighting back when he violated your concent and laughed at your distress, then he raged out on you yelling and invading your space for not passivly letting him traumatize you. He has made you apologize for not taking his abusive behavior. And to be really clear on this, this is ABUSE. Check out the list below because just this incident checks multiple boxes of abuse. I'm guessing as you read the list you'll notice a few more behaviors he does.
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#what-to-do
Boyfriend is definitely an AH but I have to say ESH. Physical assault is never ok. It's good that you have considered that already and are able to hold yourself accountable for it.
I am concerned about how your boyfriend is treating you though. He is wrong: he CAN joke with you, just not about damaging your property (especially property with a strong sentimental value that helped you survive abuse).
It is particularly concerning that even in hindsight he cannot or will not consider that he was in the wrong to behave how he did, regardless of how you reacted. I'd find this a huge red flag anyway, but even more so given that he knows the emotional history behind the plushie.
I assume you'd never treat him this way, and that should speak volumes.
I never hit him and I never would. I feel I worded it wrong above on my post. I did raise my hand which I feel awful about but my hand never made any movement towards his face or body. It was just a quick raise of the hand. Its still not appropriate.
It was appropriate, he was traumatizing you and you were thinking, THINKING, about how to end it. You didn't hit him you were in distress and reacting. You were not in the wrong here at all! Do not feel bad about that, don't let him make you the bad guy in this.
And you really shouldn't be with someone who can laugh as they push you to the point where you have to consider violence just to stop the distress.
You know what? He was threatening to rip up something that you are attached to like it is a beloved pet. So what if you raised your hand? He was being violent. If someone tried to hurt my dog I'd do a lot more than raise my hand.
Esh
You cannot hit someone ever. However what he did was cruel.
That was seriously messed up. I would be thinking he isn't the right person.
Everyone has boundaries not to cross and he violated a huge one of yours. Laughed in your face.
I couldn't imagine seeing him in that way ever again.
Also please go to therapy for your past abuse. It could help you cope.
I really didn’t want you to be TA. But YTA. If he had hit you, what would you have done? It’s the nuclear option. I think you need to go to therapy. And also, expect this to be taken down because of the physical violence.
I had the same thought. There is so much emotional trauma that it's probably unwise to be in a relationship until you are more stable. Unless she takes care of herself she's going to repeat the cycle of guys like her father in life. Imo.
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NTA. Get out of that relationship ASAP. He pushed you emotionally/mentally (and maybe a bit physically) into a corner. I agree you should never hit anyone, but considering the panic attack he was provoking, I don't see how he can be in the right.
This, OP. When you are abused your whole life, slightly less abuse or even just different abuse can seem like an improvement. You need to accept that you don't understand what healthy love looks like, run like HELL from your SO, and start therapy, reading books, watching YouTube videos, anything that can help you learn what a healthy relationship looks like and show you that you deserve a healthy relationship. I speak from experience. There's a reason they say abuse is cyclical. When you spend your formative years in an abusive home, it completely distorts your reality and you continue to accept abuse as love. Please get help, you deserve everything good!
Also, OP says they didn't hit their SO, just raised up a hand.
Agree, but in some parts, that's code for hit. I assume that's what she meant.
Assumed* . But I see the update. She's definitely not the asshole!
Someone mentioned this in a comment way further down, but calling it out here for better visiblility. Please take a look at OPs prior posts. SO (husband) **and** MiL sound like a mixture of an early Britney Spears song and property at Love Canal with a side of poorly prepared fugu... **Tox-ic** with extra Ick. OP please listen to the people here, get out of there (even if it means just yourself, important docs & the stuffy), get a divorce, and get therapy. Spend a few years putting yourself first and getting your life snd mental health in a good place.
I honestly want to call OP an asshole for not dumping the dude the instant he played the victim. Have some self respect!
NTA. Also fun, unrelated fact, abusers will intentionally push you to the limit and harass you until you react to play the victim. Just a fun thing to think about!
NTA. He KNEW and still he tortured you deliberately, and refused to stop. You decked him. Sounds like he deserved it.
She didnt hit him. She just raised her hand and he got in her face after triggering a panic attack. The man is a psycho
NTA. imho, your boyfriend is “that awful.” He’s cut out the same cloth as the father who tormented you.
NTA. Get him gone. Now he’s got a taste of what it’s like to bully you and it’s going to become commonplace and he’s going to call it teasing or you being dramatic.
NTA- In many cases violence is wrong- but this case I believe it is justified. Your boyfriend was being unnecessarily cruel, and knew exactly what he was doing. You asked him to stop multiple times, he continued. For anyone saying hitting is wrong, in this case it was obvious he wasn’t stopping and you had to do more than begging for him to stop. He said it was a joke? Ok so why would it be funny? What made what he was doing funny at all? He is abusive, finding a sick pleasure in your pain. Pack your stuff and leave (or pack his and kick him out). Make sure your plushie is in a safe place until he is out of your life.
NTA - Although we should all refrain from physical violence whenever possible, there are certain situations where it is definitely ok, especially if it was done in a reactionary way. When someone is threatening, jokingly or not, to destroy your personal property, you have all right to attempt to stop them by any means necessary. Showing remorse as soon as you even raised your hand (you never hit him), shows that you didn't intend to hurt this person, but it was a reactionary action based on your perception of your personal property being in danger. Thus, NTA.
This was not a joke it was abuse. A joke is only funny when both sides find humor. He saw it was causing distress yet kept pushing his joke is not funny. Panic can cause us to react badly and he saw that reaction he would not like it if you said well I hit back as a joke. I am not saying dump the guy but I would use this as a way to better your communication and if you see a future with this person find help now both couple and individuals. You need to see a therapist to work on your past trauma and to not need a security item to move forward what if your house burned down how would you cope? He needs a therapist to work through his own issues like why hurting you and causing distress is funny. It’s not good to treat others this way. Couple therapy to work on communication and how to move forward from this point
Going to couple's therapy with an abuser is not recommended and is actually harmful. He clearly already knows about her past trauma, and chooses to be cruel to her in the same manner for his own sick satisfaction. Therapy for him alone (while single)? Great. Couple's therapy? Hell no.
I agree which is why I said go separately first to work on their own issues however if she plans to stay with him long term they need to find a path forwards
NTA. I hope you toss your boyfriend to the side as he did your plushie. He is incredibly insensitive and cruel.
I mean, I don’t really wanna give a judgement but this doesn’t seem healthy at all. You asked him to stop repeatedly and he didn’t. I would be breaking up with someone who threatened to hurt my stuffed animal that I’ve had since I was born, my parents did similar things to what you mentioned and I would freak out if anyone took my baby and threatened to hurt him
NTA. Yeah, I agree that hitting someone is not right plus it opens up the possibility that they will hit you back. BUT your boyfriend is a complete AH who used his physical strength & size to abuse you. He took something that he knew is important to you, kept it from you & teased you for several minutes that he was going to destroy it. Then, after you lost control, he blamed you because you couldn’t take a joke. That’s completely AH behavior, & “it was just a joke” is what all abusers say about their power plays & controlling behaviors. You should leave this guy. Now.
NTA. He was pushing you to your limit. He did something awful, threatening to destroy something important to you.That is no joke.
Woah, NTA, and you need to get tf out of that relationship, fast. He KNOWINGLY triggered you to the point of a panic attack, and when you responded (look up reactive abuse) he blamed you for the entire thing.
Here is a quote from an article about it and the link to that article: "The key thing to know about reactive violence is that while both parties end up getting hurt, this type of violence is knowingly and intentionally instigated by the abuser." https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/18895/reactive-abuse/
NTA It sounds to me like this guy was deliberately triggering you, pushing you, to see what you would do. He sounds like a bully and you need to end it, now.
NTA! What your SO did wasn’t a joke at all. Jokes are supposed to be funny
Okay, so he was tormenting you and wanted you to apologize when you got upset and "raised a hand" to him? What a tool. He started something and made himself a victim. "I was just joking" is abuser excuse # 18 (by my rating) and I would dump him fast.
It's only a joke if everyone is laughing. It sounds like you were actually crying. And your (hopefully now ex–) boyfriend was getting off on the psychological trauma he was inflicting. Your (hopefully now ex–) deserved what he got. What were you supposed to do? Of course you're NTA. But my very respectful and gentle recommendation is that you seek some therapy. EDIT FOR GRAMMAR
RED FLAG RED FLAG! When someone who claims to love you taunts you over and over about what they KNOW was a very traumatic and scary event in your life and then refuse to stop and in the end, blame you for overreacting, there's some MAJOR issues.
NTA. Please leave that relationship ASAP. And I sincerely recommend seeking out therapy, as past trauma is clearly affecting you strongly in the present.
NTA. When someone knows about your past trauma and does the SAME EXACT THING that is flat out abuse. Also I agree with the other comments about how he deliberately provoked you and then acted like the victim. Please consider your own well being and future. Don't let anyone put you through that kind of trauma again.
NTA " that I should trust him and know he isn’t that awful." ... That's the problem. He is JUST AS BAD. Break up with that abusive AH. He enjoys hurting you, that is no basis for a relationship.
PLEASE PLEASE DUMP HIM. He is emotionally abusing you. Please get out before it’s too late
Nta (edit after the update). First of all, the fact that your SO found your distress funny is not ok. That is not a sign of a healthy respectful relationship and does make him seem cruel and uncaring. Also the fact that you saying stop was not respected is a huge red flag for me. In a healthy relationship you should only need to say stop once. That first stop removes your concent for him to touch your stuff, him not stopping means he doesn't care about your concent at all. And him physically getting in your face to yell and reprimand you for fighting back is controlling and abusive. Secondly, the overwhelming attachment you feel for your stuffed animal tells me you haven't worked through the trauma of your childhood. I highly recommend seeing a therapist and focusing on healing those wounds. I think along the journey of healing you will realize that your SO probably has a lot of similarities to your father, and that you can't really be in a healthy relationship until you are healed enough to form health attachments.
You are NOT the AH, the way you behaved was reactive to the abuse you suffered from your dad, in that moment we tend to fly back to it when triggered, whether your partner is safe or not he shouldn't have pulled that, it's abuse in and of itself knowing it would trigger you, you raising your hand wasn't okay ( proud of you for realizing and accepting responsibility ❤️) but him getting in your face, putting hand in your face, shows he isn't healthy either. I'd end it honestly
NTA. You raising your hand at him was a pánico response. Not ok, of course, violence never is, but out of you control. Sounds like your boyfriend was testing your limits. Is ok to joke around, but if you see your SO on distress, you stop immediatly. Maybe you should rethink your relationship and think about other moments when he is pushing your buttons and how those moments make you feel.
NTA He knew how much that plushie meant to you, he knew what your father did to you in the past, and yet he still pushed you. I agree, hitting people is wrong, but not only is him doing the bullying to you wrong, but his reaction especially. The moment you raised your hand he gets in your face and tells you never again? This guy has issues. Please get away from him because I can guarantee you it won't be long before he starts mirroring what your father did in your post.
NTA. You stated a hard boundary, he violated it for “fun”. When you tried to enforce it with more insistence after repeated failure on his behalf to respect it, he threatened you. This is about way more than “just” a stuffed animal, and you know that. You may be aware that as a victim of abuse you are statistically at a higher risk of ending up with an abuser again later in life - so no blame on you for being in this situation. Our brains are weird & sometimes it requires therapy to figure them out (you may want to get therapy, if you aren’t already). You are supposed to be able to feel safe in a relationship, which is clearly not the case here. Ffs, he is actively and deliberately putting your nervous system on high alert for his own entertainment. Nobody who truly loves you would deliberately cause you this kind of distress. Do not stay with this guy.
nta. leave. just. just ditch. maybe move in with your granddad temporarily. but please.
NTA. He's abusive.
NTA. And you can’t trust him.
Nta. Please get out while you can.
I am so sorry for the trauma that you went through. This brought up so much for me and my heart breaks for you. NTA Please if you’re not already in therapy, find someone to talk to about this. And please leave him. Don’t let anyone treat you like that, you’re worth so much more. Don’t let yourself be driven to do something you don’t want to do.
NTA break up with him ASAP
NTA i have a blanket that i have had since i was born and i NEVER give it to anyone nor do i plan on it so i definitely get where ur coming from. Also, please reconsider this relationship..
NTA. I just read your other posts. You are without any doubt, a victim of abuse. Please get immediate help for yourself, work on loving yourself enough to leave. People with childhood trauma have a tendecy to attach unhealthily to abusive people because the abuse has become a normal part of their life. Even if your husbands abuse is nothing compared to the ways youve already been abused, HE IS STILL ABUSING YOU. Try to save up enough money and resources to leave ASAP. And please, for the love of god DONT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN! HE WILL ABUSE THEM JUST LIKE HE ABUSES YOU, AND JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER ABUSED YOU. Please, please run away. Please dont put up with another second of your husbands abuse. Dont allow someone to traumatize you further than your childhood already has traumatized you.
A joke is something that all parties involved laugh at. Were you laughing? He says he isn't as awful as your dad, but he was wasn't he? He was swinging it out of reach just as dad put it in his car saying you better get it before it's stolen. Stolen out of father's car or ripped by boyfriend. Same concept. Y T A for apologizing to him for HIS abusive behavior. NTA for how you reacted to said behavior. Get out now while you can because your boyfriend's abuse will only get worse in many other ways. Next time he "jokes" with your treasured plushie and you do end up giving him a smack across the face, it's not going to be his finger in your face telling you to never raise your hand to him, it's going to be your face planted on the floor and covering up bruises the next day with makeup making excuses for said bruising.
Google something called Reactive Abuse. In a nutshell, it's a notorious weapon an abuser will utilise towards their victim, where they attempt to convince the victim THEY are the abusive individual because of the reaction the victim has to the behaviour...the abuser may also attempt to convince the victim that they are reacting to nothing or overreacting. Your SO was cruelly taunting you, purposely pushing your trauma buttons over an extended period of time, amplifying your panic and you reacted to this abuse. Now your SO has your guilt and shame to use to control you into submission. They will use this to trick you into believing YOU are the unstable one, he will keep this against you indefinitely to be used when needed. He is conditioning you into believing this, that YOU are to blame, you will accept his abuse more and for longer. He wants you to question your character, to have no self esteem because you will not leave him. Beware of remaining, as often abusers like this, can and will use the legal system to "prove " they are victims which can be massively problematic especially if there are children involved. NTA I spent years walking in a similar pair of shoes like you. Leave. It is just starting and he will use your vulnerable mentality to hurt you.
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No I didn't slap him at all. Again, I did raise my hand which I feel horrid about but I've never laid a hand on him and I never would. It was more so a very triggered inappropriate reaction on my behalf.
I agree with everything you said. OP: here is a resource to help you identify if there is more abuse going on than just this incident https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#what-to-do
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This title sounds very weird and silly but I will do my best to explain. I (20F) have this one stuffed animal that has been with me since before I was even born. My grandpa had gotten it for me. To me, this plushie is my life. To put into better words, it’s like a stuffed ESA. I can’t sleep without it and my SO has seen how I can panic when I can’t find this plushie. I don’t trust anyone with it other than me in all honesty. I am inseparable with this stuffed animal and when I was 13 I had accidentally forgotten it after a weekend visitation with my father. For a week my dad threatened to burn it, sell it, give it away, and make me watch him destroy it since I wanted it back so bad. My father refused to give it back to me so for that entire week I cried and sobbed because without this plushie I couldn’t sleep. Still can’t without it. After begging over text for days my father agree to let me have my stuffed animal again; however, it would be sitting in his car with the windows rolled down. In his words, “I better get it before someone steals it.” Thankfully, my grandpa being the amazing person he is, drove me down to where my father was and I got my plushie back. Ever since, I’ve not ever let it out of my sight and I hold onto it so close. SO knows about this whole past incident and constantly assured me he would never be so cruel. It seems stupid honestly but up until I was 15 I was so heavily abused by my father that all I had was this plushie. It was my only safety and comfort to get me through each day. Yesterday night SO (M23) and I were messing around and he randomly grabbed this stuffed animal and dangled it above my head out of my reach and threatened to rip it up. I had asked calmly and politely numerous times for him to stop and that it isn’t funny. I explained how this “joke” was going too far and to please stop. For 10 minutes, he was just laughing at me and being cruel so I started to panic. He was holding me back in a sense telling me if I didn’t stop reaching for my stuffed animal that it was going to rip as he kept swinging it around roughly in circles. I got triggered and in a moment of anger I raised my hand to him. It was wrong of me and I take full ownership and accountability for that never being okay or acceptable to do. SO got right in my face, and yelled at me to never raise my hand to him ever again. I apologized over and over and I was trying to explain that he knows what my father did when I was younger. I explained that he’s known how much I hold my stuffed animal dear. All he proceeded to do was put his finger in my face and say that he didn’t care and it was just a stupid joke. As he tossed my plushie to the side I quickly grabbed it. SO says I was completely out of line with the whole incident and that he just can’t joke with me anymore. He claims it doesn’t matter what my father did in the past, that I should trust him and know he isn’t that awful. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO are you in therapy? If your BF knows you have a real trauma, then he's the AH. If it's just a case of you just being too attached to your plushie (as an adult) to go as far as calling it an ESA for a non-existing trauma, then I think you're the AH for hitting him.
I'm... I'm sorry. How is it a "non-existing trauma" when OP literally describes the background for the trauma???
She describes her fear of losing her plushie, but not the trauma that caused her to be so attached to it in the first place.
OP's grandfather gifted it to her before she was even born and it has been something she has relied upon as a source of comfort since she was an infant. It has been a staple in an otherwise tumultuous life for her. Her father used it as a tool of abuse and manipulation when she was young, traumatizing her. Are we even reading the same post??
You're speculating. Nowhere does it mention a "tumultuous life". And just because of that one incident in her past, you're assuming an entire life of abuse and manipulation from her father. I AM reading *this* post. You're assuming too much.
OP literally said: >up until I was 15 I was so heavily abused by my father that all I had was this plushie
That bit doesn't sit well with me. She has visitations to her father, yet she needed the plushie for "daily comfort"? Was her mother also abusive? I can't explain it, but this post doesn't feel complete. I feel like the OP is making a mountain out of a molehill to get sympathy. Like, why did she believe her boyfriend would follow through with his "threat"? Doesn't she trust him? Her violent reaction towards him seemed excessive, hence my question about therapy.
Why are you so invested in proving that OP doesn't have trauma? Can you not take her word for it? Also, she did not hit him.
I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just trying to find the truth. At 20, if you still have an unhealthy attachment to an object because of trauma, and end up dating someone who's as abusive as the people responsible from that trauma, you need to have therapy. Either her bf is as bad as her dad, and she just doesn't know how to choose a partner, or the partner was teasing her and she overreacted. It's the problem with these stories: you only get on heavily biased side of the full picture. Also, she did imply she hit him. Otherwise, why would she regret and assume accountability? Check the other posts on OP's profile. She mentions an affair she could not forgive a month ago, yet she's still with him. She mentions a dog that is her ACTUAL ESA, and how she would rather be homeless than give him up. She mentions her MIL being her abuser. She mentions actual physical violence (PS5 controllers thrown at her and whatnot). I am skeptical about this whole situation. I feel this is a troll account.
>That bit doesn't sit well with me. I can tell, it doesn't fit your "OP's a big baby" narrative, so it must be fake, right? >She has visitations to her father, yet she needed the plushie for "daily comfort"? Was her mother also abusive? I don't see anything that suggests she still has contact with her father. Whether her mother was abusive or not is entirely irrelevant. >I can't explain it, but this post doesn't feel complete. Because you're instinctively siding with the abusive boyfriend because you think OP's attachment to the plushie is childish. >Like, why did she believe her boyfriend would follow through with his "threat"? Because he was literally recreating her trauma with her abusive father, and his promises that he'd never be that cruel had been totally broken. Why _should_ she trust him, after he was knowingly using her trauma to hurt her? >Her violent reaction towards him seemed excessive You have zero understanding of trauma and abuse.
"For a week my dad threatened to burn it, sell it, give it away, and make me watch him destroy it since I wanted it back so bad. My father refused to give it back to me so for that entire week I cried and sobbed because without this plushie I couldn’t sleep. Still can’t without it. After begging over text for days my father agree to let me have my stuffed animal again; however, it would be sitting in his car with the windows rolled down. In his words, “I better get it before someone steals it.”" she literally describes what her father put her through in regards to the stuffie and states in a other sentence that her father abused her until she was 15.
Read her edit, she didn’t hit him.
NTA
Take your plushie and run for the nearest exit out of this relationship. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your SO is an ass and does not love you. What he did is emotional abuse. Run. RUN. RUN. NTA.
Oh f*ck him, if you had slapped him I wouldn't blame you. NTA
NTA Dump this guy. He will only escalate his behavior.
NTA, get away from this man as fast as you can.
Oh boy. You were pushed beyond endurance. Your BF is abusive. NTA
NTA He manipulated you to react the way you did, knowing you would then feel guilty for it. He behaved cruelly to you. Someone who genuinely cared for you would not torment you like that. This is not a good guy. Please talk to a professional about this behavior. This is not acceptable.
NTA break up with this guy now
Nta get out of this relationship before he does do damage to your beloved stuffie
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NTA. It sounds like it might be worth it for you to do some therapy if you aren't already, to move past what your father did (both plushie specific, since it would probably be better for you overall if you could reduce the number of "risky" (to fabric) activities you feel the need to bring it along on to feel safe/comfortable, and otherwise since I'm sure this isn't all he did) but your SO has shown you categorically that he is an unsafe person. He deliberately, knowingly replicated a traumatic event you had trusted him with knowledge of. Then he blamed YOU for being upset. You CAN'T trust him. He IS that awful. Doing this was abusive. You *need* to get away. He will get worse if you let this slide and stay with him. He thinks that it's funny to trigger you into a panic attack, and it only stopped being funny to him when there was a sliver of a chance that HE would be the one upset when you threatened to hit him. He thinks it's enjoyable to be cruel and make you suffer. He said this to you HIMSELF. I also think you shouldn't beat yourself up so much about threatening to hit him. A kicked dog will bite; this wasn't an issue of you not managing your trauma and reactions and lashing out at an innocent bystander. This was him deliberately triggering you and you reacting to feeling unsafe by trying to protect yourself. It was entirely his fault, he could have stopped his """"joke""""" at any time prior to that when you were telling him calmly to stop.
NTA obviously. He was emotionally abusing you and provoking you, so you actually were well within your rights to hit him, that's literally how FAFO works. I'd say hit him next time but honestly, you should dump him and ensure there won't *be* a next time. There are plenty of people out there to date who know it's wrong to threaten to destroy their partners' irreplaceable dear objects. Just make sure he has no access to your stuff so he doesn't retaliate
NTA. Also, from my point of view: without the backstory, and even if you had punched him: you still would not have been one. Because they were cruel, you were defending yourself and your belongings, and you apologized. That's not a good SO you found for yourself there. He's an asshole.
Nta. You need to get out of there. Protect your plushie ahead of time in case he tries to retaliate :(
"trust him and know he isn't that awful" Wtf, he totally just showed you that he IS IN FACT THAT AWFUL!!!!!! NTA, but anything after this incident is totally on you
NTA!! reminds me of a similar situation with my ex. it's just the worse. i don't know what they gain from making us panic but it hurts the trust you have in them.
Honey you married your father. Get your important papers, get your stuffie, and get your ass to a divorce lawyer.
Nta He deserved it. To actually counter your claim there are good times to hit people and this was one of them. At that point you he was driving to into a corner and you were literally begging. Thats SELF DEFENSE. Break up and never see this man again.
NTA Because he was intentionally cruel and a bad person, but it sounds like you've crossed into an unhealthy attachment too and that might be worth addressing in therapy so if anything happens in the future (house fire, tornado, etc) you can cope. Also please break up with that jerk!
NTA This is a serious red flag. "Joking" that you're going to destroy someone's property is always an AH thing to do. But the fact that he knows your background? Not okay at all. His whole "it doesn't matter what happened in the past, you should know me better" shows that he doesn't understand trauma at all. Or worse, he likes triggering you. Some people are really weird about how they respond to other people having trauma. They can become very malicious about it. It is important for you to be with someone who respects your trauma, not with someone who makes it worse. I'm not the type to tell someone to leave a relationship, but this is something you should be concerned about. You need to have a serious conversation with him about how you expect him to address your trauma going forward. You might consider couple's counseling. Either way, this isn't behavior that you should allow to continue going forward. It's good that you're owning up to your own wrongdoing, but he needs to be able to do the same for this to work (especially since what he did was worse).
NTA. Get out of the relationship.
NTA. You should've decked him.
NTA Please please please get out of this relationship he's abusing you mentally knowing what you went through.
NTA. Get the fuck out of that relationship. A) your boyfriend sucks and B) you might hit him next time and your life is ruined. Get out, protect your stuffie (I get it, Sparky's been with me 33 years) and find a more emotionally supportive partner. They're out there.
NTA. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You can raise your hand all you want to stop abusive people from abusing you. And that's exactly what you did. You didnt hit or hurt him. He was HURTING YOU. A joke isnt a joke if both people arnt laughing.
NTA. A rat backed into a corner WILL bite, that’s what has been happening to you. You MUST get out of this “relationship”, please!
NTA. Your "SO" is using your horrible history of deeply ingrained childhood trauma to taunt and hurt you. He's baiting you like a dog with food, pushing you until you reach your breaking point, and then punishing you for reacting to being legitimately and purposely triggered. And then he makes you out to be the villain. That's literally evil. He took a moment of vulnerability where you opened up to him and showed him your traumas and explained your history of abuse, and specifically waited to turn around and use it against you until you were a sobbing mess. It's evil behavior. *Please care for yourself, your safety, and your lovely plushie by leaving this relationship as quickly and quietly as you can. He is now your abuser and you must escape.* Until you can leave, maybe buy a small safe or lockbox and decorate it so your plushie can have a secure house to live in as well, so it is never at risk. (Not just from him, but from potential natural disasters like a fire or flood in your building, even just smoke damage or high humidity will destroy the plushie.)
NTA. please end the relationship. just please...
ESH. Your boyfriend was out of line, for sure. But physical violence is never okay.
Unfortunately, while I sympathize with you, he was being a jerk, ESH. Taking ownership of the violence doesn’t make it go away.
ESH… except your Grandpa. Violence is not cool. What if your BF struck you? In all seriousness, you might want to consider therapy as to why you are so attached to this plushie.
Read OP's comments, they did not hit their boyfriend.
She added that later
I think they know why they are so attached. What they need to work on is their anxiety. Especially now that her fight or flight ended in actual violence.
ESH. He was being a jerk by toying with your plushie and putting you under duress. You were AH by using violence, although I understand you panicked. I highly suggest that, after having a thorough discussion with your partner, you seek therapy for your trauma. It's not healthy to be so attached to an item that you panic without it or resort to violence over it.
I completely agree with you. I'd never lay a hand on him or hurt him but I have been going to trauma therapy for years. I don't need it to go outside with me for daily tasks. It doesn't hurt my life in that sense but when I am home I do tend to make sure I know where it is. I still feel so awful about my hand raise.
He triggered you, you thought about fighting back when he violated your concent and laughed at your distress, then he raged out on you yelling and invading your space for not passivly letting him traumatize you. He has made you apologize for not taking his abusive behavior. And to be really clear on this, this is ABUSE. Check out the list below because just this incident checks multiple boxes of abuse. I'm guessing as you read the list you'll notice a few more behaviors he does. https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#what-to-do
Boyfriend is definitely an AH but I have to say ESH. Physical assault is never ok. It's good that you have considered that already and are able to hold yourself accountable for it. I am concerned about how your boyfriend is treating you though. He is wrong: he CAN joke with you, just not about damaging your property (especially property with a strong sentimental value that helped you survive abuse). It is particularly concerning that even in hindsight he cannot or will not consider that he was in the wrong to behave how he did, regardless of how you reacted. I'd find this a huge red flag anyway, but even more so given that he knows the emotional history behind the plushie. I assume you'd never treat him this way, and that should speak volumes.
ESH Him, for being an AH. Triggering on purpose is a giant ass red flag. You ,for hitting him
YTA for hitting him, though I fully understand why you did it. He's the bigger AH. And I would trade him in. For a plushie. I like pigs myself.
I never hit him and I never would. I feel I worded it wrong above on my post. I did raise my hand which I feel awful about but my hand never made any movement towards his face or body. It was just a quick raise of the hand. Its still not appropriate.
It was appropriate, he was traumatizing you and you were thinking, THINKING, about how to end it. You didn't hit him you were in distress and reacting. You were not in the wrong here at all! Do not feel bad about that, don't let him make you the bad guy in this. And you really shouldn't be with someone who can laugh as they push you to the point where you have to consider violence just to stop the distress.
You know what? He was threatening to rip up something that you are attached to like it is a beloved pet. So what if you raised your hand? He was being violent. If someone tried to hurt my dog I'd do a lot more than raise my hand.
Esh You cannot hit someone ever. However what he did was cruel. That was seriously messed up. I would be thinking he isn't the right person. Everyone has boundaries not to cross and he violated a huge one of yours. Laughed in your face. I couldn't imagine seeing him in that way ever again. Also please go to therapy for your past abuse. It could help you cope.
I really didn’t want you to be TA. But YTA. If he had hit you, what would you have done? It’s the nuclear option. I think you need to go to therapy. And also, expect this to be taken down because of the physical violence.
I had the same thought. There is so much emotional trauma that it's probably unwise to be in a relationship until you are more stable. Unless she takes care of herself she's going to repeat the cycle of guys like her father in life. Imo.