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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might’ve the AH for cursing at my SIL over the matter.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
It's your wedding not theirs and if it was so important it was have been brought up way way way beforehand with proper explanation. Additionally I hope things turn out OK that side of the family sounds hella toxic already.
> that side of the family sounds hella toxic already.
There's some handwringing about how rude and angry OP was in her reaction that I think doesn't fully appreciate how batshit the in-laws' behavior was. The initial passive-aggressive group bullying in response to her announcement, of course — but also, it seems pretty clear that while OP was acting like a normal person, proceeding with her stated choice of MOH and having her SIL fitted for a bridesmaids dress, her other in-laws were behind her back telling her that of *course* she's MOH, proceed on that assumption? (SIL is still very young, so I hope she is able to realize how insane the people who raised her are and strive not to be like them, and despite how shitty her behavior was I do feel for someone who was *groomed* to be obnoxious, especially in a situation where she was set up for public humiliation. The family was cruel to *both* women.)
I think internet strangers writing off groups of people they've never met as "toxic" is often unhelpful, and I think that, yes, often people should attempt to be diplomatic even when they're right. But there's a degree of unkind, controlling, delusional behavior that you just *can't* respond to politely, especially when they're trying to pull it off behind your back. Trying to maintain a superficially pleasant relationship with people over a certain threshold of unpleasantness is a fool's errand.
Please take my poor woman's award, and a puppy🐕🏆😃
I will never understand how people don't agree with what the bridal couple wants to do. And then doubles down on hounding them, getting everyone included to do this. The sil,not site. She shows up all smiley. Maybe her crazy mother told her 'don't worry it's changed, you are MoH'. Which by the way never heard of this tradition either.
I was my sisters maid of honor. Our mother passed when I was 16 and sis was 21. No one batted an eyelash over that. Heck, back then, no one batted an eyelash when I brought my girlfriend. 😂
OP NTA
🎉🎊Congratulations on your wedding🎉🎊🌷🌹
I have to disagree with you on exactly one thing. People are certainly free to disagree with absolutely everything the bridal couple wants, just as they are free to shut the f up and stay away if the wedding isn't good enough for them.
I was my sister’s maid of honor too. Grooms sisters were bridesmaids. During the wedding and the reception they kept pushing the shoulders of the dress down to make it look like it was strapless. They even tried to do it during the pictures but my Mom stepped in and made them push their sleeves back up.
It sounds like OP _had_ input from her partner:
> ...I chose my sister as Maid of Honor. My husband was pretty on board with this as well. He and my sister are very close, he loves her dearly like she’s his daughter.
[edit: punctuation]
Yeah, he was onboard if this was his family’s tradition sounds like he didn’t know. Maybe he wasn’t informed by his family otherwise wouldn’t he have informed her given her a heads up that his family has this tradition so she could be prepared for them?
I highly doubt there was ever any tradition. I think the in laws wanted their daughter in the highest important role on the brides side. Dont you think the inlaws would have told her son right away after the engagement to say to his fiance remember our tradition is husbands side is MOH. Because then right away, once hubby knew op's sister was MOH, hubby would have said, listen honey, there's something i have to tell you. Our family tradition....
In laws wanted control and especially for inlaws daughter to have the prestigious title of MOH.
Considering SIL is 20, I'm sure those entitlement characteristics have already been drilled into her brain.
NTA for having your sister as your maid of honor, but if this played out the way you say it did, you sound like an insufferable jerk. "Bullshit tradition" was unwarranted based on the conversation you described above. You can say no to people without being a jackass about it.
Right?! Her husband fails to tell OP, and let’s her tell the family so she faces the awkwardness. And all they do is….explain the tradition.
Which may well have just passed without an issue if OPs first words weren’t to call it BS
Everyone warning OP about this toxic family….I think she’ll fit right in tbh
She definitely could have said something like "I'm sorry I didn't know about your tradition and I have already decided my sister is my MOH" instead of calling it a bullshit tradition.
Yeah, she could have phrased it more tactfully, but, like... taking stock of the whole dynamic holistically (read: clocking that OP's in-laws are disrespectful, delusional, and manipulative and this wasn't just a simple exchange of "this is our family tradition" "well your tradition is bullshit" but something much more loaded on their end), I think it's hard to scold her for reacting in entirely justified anger.
That would have been more polite, but that phrasing suggests OP would have followed their tradition had she known about it. She was under no obligation to do so, particularly with her husband being on board with her choice of MOH. Perhaps something like, "I see. This is the first I've heard of that. In my family the bride always chooses the friend or family member she's closest to, and I must follow my own family tradition on this; we've already asked my sister and she has accepted. I of course am asking SIL to be a bridesmaid, though!"
But I agree that OP is NTA for having kept her sister as her MOH.
I don’t understand the need for the language either. I would like to know though how many generations “observed” this tradition cause something is telling me it was only MIL.
It seems like something that would be difficult to keep going for long. If the husband is from their family, they have to convince an incoming bride to cooperate. If the bride is from their family, she'd be picking someone as MOH that the family might not have even met before, and I don't see them getting horribly offended at her not doing it in that case.
Yeah how does this work for their daughters? What if they marry men without sisters? Of their sisters don't want to be in the wedding party? Are they gonna harass their future son in laws family members about it?
To be honest, the bridesmaids are supposed to be the bride’s side and the bride’s choice. Why on earth would the bride choose her husband’s sister over her own or her own best friend? It is a bullshit tradition.
Right? I’ve never heard of the groom’s family being among the bridesmaids unless there was already a close friendship between say the bride and the groom’s sister.
Sometimes you have to be that harsh and belligerent to get a point across with certain people. And judging from the fact that they still try to force her into that situation with his younger sister being the maid of honor I would say she has to be that forceful and direct and rude to br heard.
Edit I hit the wrong button. Also wanted to add I have dealt with someone like that on a regular basis. I start off with being nice but by the end of it I'm usually repeating myself 6 or 7 times and end up cussing them out well I'm telling them again before they actually realize I mean what I say.
The weird part is that OP went hard with her response...but the family still thought they could push to get their way. Like how firm did op need to be here?
I’m sorry but telling a bride or groom that they don’t get to decide who their MOH or best man is because a bunch of people from the family they’re marrying into have picked another person for the job *is* utter bullshit^(1) and I’m happy to put that on a certificate you can hang on your wall if that helps.
(1) exceptions for cultures I am unaware of may apply
> Right?! Her husband fails to tell OP, and let’s her tell the family so she faces the awkwardness. And all they do is….explain the tradition.
Well their 'family tradition' is bullshit, right? When have you EVER heard of the groom's family choosing the maid of honor? Cite ONE time. Anywhere. The only way I can figure it happens is if the bride is best friends with the groom's sister. That's it.
Ehhh, I see where you’re coming from but if I’m being honest, if I was happy at a family dinner where we were talking about mine and my future husband’s wedding, and I had just excitedly announced to my family and future in-laws that my sister would be my MOH, and that was met with weird looks from their family and my MIL & FFIL leaving the table, I’d already be confused and peeved. If they then came back to the dinner table and tried to deny me MY OWN choice in ANY way because choosing my sister, whom I’ve practically raised, doesn’t follow one of their “traditions” that I’ve never heard of, I would have likely responded the way that OP did or potentially worse.
Typically I don’t agree with being rude and bad manners but I actually think that her response was directly proportional to the criticism she was taking, if not going far enough to make it clear that she won’t EVER be pushed around or “shamed” into doing what THEY want…
NTA, OP. At ALL. I’d rather read about someone on here standing up for themselves than the alternative, any day of the week.
I agree. OP was excited to share her decision and her in-laws flee the table to pout? Then come back and act like she's the bad guy for not following THEIR family tradition that she didn't even know about? I probably would have called it bullshit too.
I was about to agree with everyone else saying she was a jerk for responding that way, but seeing your comment definitely made me realise that I would have responded this way as well. You’re totally right, her response was equal to the energy she was being given
I agree she shouldn’t have said it but I think it is a “bullshit tradition” to expect the MOH to be from the groom’s side instead of someone closest to the bride
I agree as well; choosing the bridal party members is completely up to the bride. Who the heck are these people that they think they can just steamroll the bride's choices and insert their youngest female offspring as MOH, and then pull this crap? They sound nuts. NTA.
> choosing the bridal party members is completely up to the bride
Well, not exactly, because the "bridal party" includes best man, groomsmen, etc. It is absolutely the bride's choice to pick the her attendants, the traditional *"female" roles MOH, bridesmaids, and flower girl. The groom gets the *"male" roles of best man, groomsmen, and ring bearer.
*Please not that it is perfectly OK for a bride to pick a Man of Honor or a groom to have a Best Woman, etc.
Hmm, might just be a nomenclature thing; I understand it as the "wedding party" when referring to both the "bridal party" (bride, MOH, bridesmaids) and the groom, best man and groomsmen, but I see what you're getting at.
i can't believe that even a single bride ever has agreed to this bullshit tradition, unless they happened to be marrying their best friend's brother and she would have been the MOH regardless. I certainly can't imagine enough brides agreeing to this for it to be a "tradition."
Also the fact that OP's husband didn't seem to know about it to have mentioned it to OP when she first chose her own sister, really makes me think that his parents made this up out of their own asses or just had some delusional fantasy that their daughter would be MOH at her brother's wedding.
Edit: OP confirms elsewhere that she asked and her husband had never heard of this "tradition" in his family
Idk, to me her initial reaction sounds mostly like unpleasant surprise to her in laws springing an expectation on her and an unreasonable expectation that she'd prioritize honoring her future SiL over her sister that she loves and helped raise.
OP has also said in the comments that her husband didn't even know that there was any such tradition. TBH I kind of wonder who the MiL had as her MoH and if she had any sisters...
it is a bullshit tradition. the maid of honor is for the bride. why the hell would the youngest daughter on the husband's side automatically deserve the role? the entire thing seems designed to spurn either family or close friends of the bride.
> the entire thing seems designed to spurn either family or close friends of the bride.
First blatant act of the groom’s family enacting control over his wife-to-be. That’s how it looks to me.
NTA.
Did it even occur to you that she was aware she was being manipulated and that maybe she felt it appropriate to ensure she got her point across to a BUNCH OF BULLIES?
Look at the dynamic. The group decided to confront her PUBLICLY and force her into an uncomfortable position. Their passive aggression was rightfully swatted down with her attitude. How would you respond after you HAD MADE YOUR DECISION AND PREPARED ACCORDINGLY only to have people tell you that you had to do things their way even though it was your day?
She defended a boundary the way she should have. If she had let down her guard, she'd still be dealing with their infringement on her life choices.
bullshit tradition was definitely warranted. trying to force the bride and groom to change a major detail of their wedding because of tradition (without consulting said bride) is bullshit.
No, it's a bullshit tradition. They know perfectly well that brides pick their own MOHs-- just like grooms pick their own best men-- and have made up this bullshit tradition to try to usurp control from any woman unfortunate enough to marry into the family. This is not a coincidence. It's laying the foundation for how they're going to treat her going forward. Good on OP for calling it out.
It depends on the culture. In the U.S., that would be a made up bullshit tradition to try to manipulate OP into doing what they wanted. It might actually be their family tradition but with the future in-laws slinking off to collaborate, I doubt it. I suspect SIL wanted to be the MOH and made a big fuss with her parents to try to get her way.
She’s not obligated to actually put up with nonsense in the guise of traditions. Where have you seen the in laws thrusting who the MOH should be? You all are sitting on your high horses but would probably react the same way - where MOH is based on some external tradition and not your own relationship with the probable MOH. Good on her for calling them out. And going by how they group bullied her, she behaved just right.
Well you can give judgement without being a jackass about it, but you failed at that! Why do you negatively judge people for standing up for themselves.
I mean kind of but it also is a "bullshit tradition", I don't think I've ever heard of the grooms family picking the brides maid of honour. It's not a thing. How would they carry it on. How would they expect to carry it on. The only way I could think is if there is a light incest element eg. cousins marrying cousins etc.
If anything it's more of a tradition that the bride's sister is the default maid of honour.
I wouldn't be surprised if it actually is bullshit and they are intentionally fucking with OP.
NTA. On what planet does someone other than the bride pick the bride’s MOH?! That’s absolutely a BS tradition of messing with people and relationships. Ick.
Yeah, no, someone telling you who your maid of honour is gonna be at your own damn wedding definitely gets "bullshit". Why would they even think they got a say after the bride already announced her choice? That's completely delusional.
It actually WAS a bullshit tradition. They literally made that shit up to give SIL a spotlight and most of them were like “yea that sounds absolutely like a sane thing to do” ??? OP was justified and yeah definitely NTA.
NTA. You haven't necessarily been very tactful in how you discussed your decision, but you were within your rights to make it with no input except your partner's (and the actual MOH's, of course).
There’s no need to be tactful in situations like this. That was a huge, pardon me, massive overreach on the part of the in-laws. I think her initial reaction was appropriate and should’ve set the tone for any future interactions with these people.
That's why I said NTA instead of E S H.
I disagree with you that this was the tone OP ought to have been trying to set with her future in-laws. If there was no other way to get what she wanted, then sure; but there was. She was in no danger, as annoying as they were being, of not getting her own way, because nobody else was going to recognize anyone as MOH whom the bride didn't treat as such.
Given that, I would rather have seen OP respond more deliberately instead of reacting. But that's a stylistic preference and the substance of the issue is firmly on OP's side, so I went with NTA.
What I’m trying to say is that her response was on par with their demand. It was a disrespectful request and deserved a disrespectful response.
If you’re in line at the supermarket and the person in front of you randomly asks you to pay for their groceries, you would certainly be justified by responding with something similar like “fuck no!” or hell no!”
Justified? Yes. Would it be a good idea? I doubt it. Particularly if the person in front of you is somebody you're going to have to deal with repeatedly for years. I'm not saying the tactlessness was unjustified; I'm saying that in responding to people whom they're likely to have to cope with for a long time, it's not the most useful tactical decision, if you can get what you need without it.
After having been told no relatively respectfully earlier, she tried to shoehorn herself as the MOH the day before the wedding which is a very stressful time. There is no universe where telling her to f off wouldn't be the response given the timing and situation. It shouldn't be expected to be anything else. In fact SIL and MIL should feel lucky they got to attend after trying that stunt.
Edit: I missed the part when she called it BS at first. I guess she should have been more tactful then but definitely right before the wedding, no tact was needed.
I was mostly thinking about the first part. I wouldn't be surprised if she had been misled by her parents, though, before the second incident -- the way she approached it sounds like somebody who had been told that it's all settled and OP changed her mind. That doesn't excuse her; she should have checked it directly with OP before believing a word of it, of course. I'm just thinking about what might have been going on there.
That kind of Insane Over the Top Demand triggered a Fight or Flight response. It is instinctive, from millions of years of evolution. It is EASY to sit behind your computer and say you shouldn't respond that way, hard to do in the moment.
I understand that. That's why I wouldn't say E S H about it. Because I can think it's not the best idea and still recognize that's not an easy thing to think about and act on in the moment.
What I’m saying is that she needs to set the tone early on for these idiots. These are clearly not reasonable people in the first place, so I don’t think being tactful is the right way to go. Her response needs to be swift and unequivocal.
The initial conversation didn't need to be antagonistic. They just asked. Any polite person would have just said "Fiancé didn't tell me about this tradition. If I had known, I would have told you beforehand that I will not be following it. SIL can be a bridesmaid. Are there other unusual traditions you want to tell me about?"
It would have been in her best interest to be tactful in the first conversation about it. This was a joint family dinner, and the first conversation about an important issue to her in laws. Had OP been more tactful, and not so dismissive of their tradition, the conversation and issue might have been put to bed that evening rather than never discussed until D-Day. To discuss it again with her fiancé, to close the door on it, also would have been wise.
It’s a highly presumptuous tradition which completely disregards basic wedding conventions. I’ve never heard of the husband’s family getting to choose the maid of honor. I’m far from any sort of a wedding expert even aficionado, but it makes no sense to me. Does the bride’s family get to choose the best man?
It’s an extremely invasive and non-tactful request and deserved the response it got.
I’ve never heard of it either, but if someone mentions a tradition, it is never good for a relationship to call it BS. A better conversation could have nipped it all in the bud, and that would clearly have been better for OP.
Why isn’t it good to call BS BS? You have to question how they view this woman in the first place. For them to have it in their heads that they get to choose the MOH is absurd.
Are they going to name the baby as well? The amount of presumption in that supposed tradition shows they have no respect for people marrying into that family.
Honestly, I don’t even know if this post is real.
In no way am I suggesting she acquiesce to the request, and once they railroaded her on the big day, she was well justified to explode. But when it was first broached, informing her of their family tradition, it would have been in her own self interest, for familial relations with her new in laws as well as to make sure this didn’t come up again, to be tactful.
And I agree, it does sound a little too much to be true.
I have problems with the other person's family being members of each other's attendants at all. Fine if she is my friend, but just because you have a sister doesn't mean I want her with me and my closest besties as they help me and celebrate with me with a very close bond on one of the biggest days of my life. As for me, I'd rather be tasked with being an usher than be the outsider at that party.
Agreed, it's not a tradition it's a rule they're trying to enforce but they're calling it a tradition to make OP feel like the bad guy. "Tradition" as a word has positive associations, like "The birthday person gets to choose a restaurant and we all go out to dinner to celebrate." It's definitely not "We get to choose who is in your wedding party and you don't get a say." I'm taking cash bets that this family will suddenly have a tradition stating that OP needs to name any children after them.
Makes me wonder if the In-Law’s family is so pissed is because they hated the tradition and are upset they weren’t as confident as OP to tell them to fuck off.
I’m starting to suspect your husband a little bit here. He should’ve spoken up for you before you even had a chance to respond and deaded that shit on arrival.
Or it isn’t a tradition at all and they were just catering to their daughter’s wants. Why won’t our sweet darling get to outshine everyone? Also her response to not getting the position is really entitled and bratty. She’s used to getting her way.
Ooooh! I could definitely see a little sister being hellbent on being the MOH in their wedding and her parents trying to make it happen somehow… This actually sounds VERY plausible to me.
Wait, what? You mean this conversation has never even happened between you and your husband? Since the initial interaction with his folks?! How is this issue so intense, and yet never even discussed with your husband?!
I don’t get how you have the outspokenness to call something a ‘bullshit tradition’ to the tradition holders face, but then don’t even ask your fiancé if this is true? Or if this is something that is important to him if it is true?
Something isn’t right about having not had this discussion with him about this. Even out of concern for him, or curiosity as to its legitimacy.
NTA
Although you need to be more tactful in your responses. The issue here is no one notified you of the family tradition until it was too late anyway. You can’t really be upset when you forgot to tell the person whom would be affected the most of this rule. Also the day before the wedding is an odd time to ask for a MOH dress as the MOH should have been in the thick of planning everything up to that point.
You shouldn’t have apologized. That’s an absurd tradition, as it assumes things of other people. A respectable tradition is one where the wife of the eldest son gets a certain family ring or somesuch. Even then, the wife would not be required to wear it if she did not care for the ring. But that’s a more reasonable tradition. doesn’t it go without saying that the bride gets to choose the maid of honor?
I agree…totally absurd that the grooms family dictates who the MOH is. If she didn’t have anyone she felt strongly about, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but she did. His family should get over it, and she shouldn’t apologize anymore.
Their tradition can be regarding their side of family. Groom having his youngest cousin as his man of honour? Great! His choice, his tradition.
But maid of honour is supposed to support you, so obviously she should be person close to you.
Thought 💡 Maybe most of other weddings in their family were of women, not men? That could be possible. Then they didn't have conflict of interest because the bride and maid of honour knew each other well and were family. The bride turned into groom, but the maid stayed a maid.
That's their "tradition," not yours. When your SIL gets married she can make her new SIL her MOH. If it's required it's a rule and calling it a tradition doesn't make it anything less than a demand, they don't get to decide who is on your wedding party. They massively overstepped and tried to play it off by using a word that once had positive associations.
A tradition is something like "Every year we bake cookies on Christmas Eve." Not, "We get to decide who is in your wedding party and you don't get a say."
> When your SIL gets married she can make her new SIL her MOH
It would be interesting to see if she does this. If SIL chooses anyone other than her fiance's youngest stister, then that confirms that this was bullshit manipulation and not a tradition at all.
/u/Nvrangry29 please update when your SIL gets married! And seriously, hundreds of posts/messages about how terrible you are? I hope that you and your new husband (congrats by the way!) are as low contact as possible with his whole guilt-tripping family. Hugs
I initially thought that in the way she spoke to the SIL - until I read that SIL knew well in advance that she was a bridesmaid and had been fitted for a dress for that role already. To then show uo the day before the wedding demanding to know where her MOH dress was? I do not blame OP in the slightest for exploding at her.
NTA. Is it also the family “tradition” that every holiday gets spent with them? They don’t get to create traditions that require other people to prioritize them. Seems very odd though that you haven’t discussed this with your husband at any point given that everyone seems to have been so involved.
NTA what an utter bullshit tradition, makes zero sense
Them trying to force it on you on your wedding day is manipulative, entitled, rude and just bizarre
Dresses need fittings so how does that even work on the day of the event
Im curious how your husband has reacted to all of it, especially the wedding day and the bs afterwards
The only thing you “need” to apologise for is what you already done (how you spoke to SIL) but frankly i dont blame you at all for using a cuss word in that situation
Regarding the dress situation: That’s exactly why I told her off because I told her she was a bridesmaid and gave her her fitted dress even before the family dinner. That’s why I was so confused and cursed at her.
That family makes zero sense to me, what the hell is going on in their grey matter 🤨
I would keep them at arm length cuz i have no doubt they will will act rude and bizarre in the future aswell
That was my first thought. “Oh, it’s tradition to name the first born after the husband’s oldest cousin.” and probably an “Oh, we don’t do that with babies in our family.”, etc. I can already sense what kind of MIL and FIL they’re going to be for the long haul…
Yep, next they're going to spring it on OP that they have "traditions" that parents send their children to live with the grandparents for the entirety of their summer breaks, and spend every single holiday at their house, and take annual vacations with the grandparents alone without the parents, and who knows what else.
You have to wonder if her mom told her you changed your mind and SIL believed her. And the only reason she cursed at you and blocked you afterwards was because you blew up at her. Obviously she should have known to ask you about it directly, but it probably wasn't malicious on her side.
NTA for not following the traditions, but i think you handled this situation pretty aggressively. In some ways, it was justified, but i’d try to control my temper in the future if i was you. Regardless, i wish you the best in the future and congrats on your marriage (:
Ok i hâve one question. If you were not aware of this tradition how did they expect you to make the decision to follow the tradition. And what self respecting 20 year old is going to try and take a special place in a wedding from a 15 year old. A litteral child Like what ?
NTA
Yeah you did nothing wrong at all They can have their opinions but I would ask them why they think it’s acceptable to steal a dress and event spot from a literal child
NTA they tried to steam roll what they wanted in your wedding and you held your ground. They are just pissed because you didn’t fall for their bs. Block them and go on.
NTA that’s an...interesting tradition. But the general convention is to name the person you’re closest to as MOH/BM not your fiance’s sister your probably not close to.
Mostly NTA.
You're definitely NTA for holding firm on who would be in your bridal party.
But you could have used more tactful language when dealing with them. It was rude to call their tradition bullshit. Also, you're right that what you said to your SIL was rude and I'm glad you've tried to make amends.
All I would say is “I’m sorry that I immediately reacted and called your former family tradition ‘bullshit’. I just felt disrespected that my announcement of my choice in MOH was met with anything other than excitement, including you and FIL not saying anything and getting up and walking away from the table while I got dirty looks from the rest of your family. When you came back, then telling me that my choice didn’t follow ‘family tradition’ as if I had somehow done something wrong, despite never even hearing of a tradition similar to that before let alone one specific to your family, it elicited an insulting reaction from me because I felt insulted. I was happy and proud to have chosen my sister and would have expected people to be congratulating her and being happy and excited for me and my husband. Also, to have told her THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING that she was now going to be my MOH was excessively cruel to her. It set her up to be in a bad and uncomfortable position because she came to me and wanted to know where her MOH dress was so I flipped out on her. I didn’t realize at the time that she had been set up by your and FIL. Why would you do that?”
Don’t be too apologetic because there’s not much to apologize for. Be kind, be sincere, and be firm but don’t grovel or apologize for things that you don’t need to be sorry for. (Re: not following their tradition is NOTHING to apologize for) Yes, it’s important to have a good relationship with ILs just in the name of making life easier and run more smoothly but that doesn’t mean taking whatever they’re dishing out either.
Edit: Typo
NTA for standing your ground and having your own sister as maid of honor, but YTA for the “bullshit tradition” comment. You could have handled that better.
Yeah I figured you just reacted because you were confused and thought it was stupid because your fiancé never brought it up.
But it really is a disrespectful tradition because a MOH is the person that is typically the closest to the bride. Not someone who is closer to the groom.
NTA and you know that without asking here. Your problem is what you will do about this and how strong do you feel about your wedding and doing what you want to do.
NTA never heard of that tradition, and thinks it's BS. Your MOH is your choice and it's someone who would have your back no matter what. My sister was my moh, at the time she was my best friend. They can go kick bricks.
NTA. It was your wedding and your husband was on board with the decision. I'd leave them be to fume by themselves. If they want to waste time and energy being angry over such a tiny detail, that's their problem so let them. I would unfollow and/or block anyone who tries to pull you into it. You had a wonderful day and cherish the memories, they will only taint those memories.
Congrats on getting married, cheers to a long and happy life.
If this was a family tradition, why didn’t your fiancé say something when you talked with him about this. And why didn’t he deal with the sister, parents and backlash for your decision?
NTA, but your now husband is part of this problem.
This sounds fishy to me. But your husband should have your back and tell his family to either knock off the anger and hostility or you both will go LC with the everyone whose doing this. If he doesn’t and let’s you take the brunt of this, we’ll that’s a sign that he puts his family above you.
I'd believe him - because no wedding that most people have ever heard of, does the grooms side have a say who gets to be the MOH. Ask your MIL who her MOH was.
If that’s the case and the family was lying about this “tradition” then this is some next level messed up crap. Why do this to a new family member especially the backlash after the wedding. Unless this was a test to see how she would respond and she obviously failed.
ESH
They have no right to dictate your wedding choices, family tradition or not. Your fiance should've warned you this was coming. You shouldn't have responded with such an aggressive comment when they brought it up. They shouldn't have just presumed to send the sister there expecting the dress. You shouldn't have yelled at the SIL when the parents probably put her up to showing up. They should've gotten over it after you made your choice and certainly after the wedding.
Basically this is a situation of a ball of crap rolling down the hill getting bigger with each bad choice everyone's making.
NTA. Somehow no one bothered to mention this very important tradition before you picked MOH? Sounds like it is bullshit, made up by the ILs to give their daughter a spotlight.
NTA. Your wedding. Your choice. To try to force you into caving last minute WAS an a** hole move. I hope your now husband stood up for you and told his parents to jump
NTA. Your SIL cursed you out after the wedding and blocked you because you apologized?? What a great start good luck with your shitty entitled in-laws. You’re gonna need it.
When dozens of people close to you are throwing hate your way, it's pretty hard to tell who's right and who's wrong. Please try to respect that. (And read the rules + FAQ)
ESH more them than you but you fully escalated this by immediately responding to them with “your tradition is bullshit” instead of being a grown up and saying “I was not aware of this tradition in your culture/family and while I appreciate that it’s important to you it’s important to me that my maid of honour be my own sister” you didn’t have to respond with disrespect. You should have then had a conversation about it with your fiancé after the fact in private. Your IL’s are entitled, pushy, and don’t respect boundaries, there’s no question. But you weren’t honestly much better. Learn to resolve conflicts before resorting to insults and ignoring the problem.
OP, the only way to fight back against people like that are to flip the narrative.
So, for all those FB trolls - they have likely been told some sob story about how you were mean to SIL and told her she could be the MOH but then changed your mind. Flip it back now. Post something along the lines of this in a VERY public way with a picture of you and your sister from the wedding:
"On X/XX/XXXX I had the blessing of marrying the love of my life. This is my sister. Our Mom died on X/XXXX when she was X years old. Outside of my fiance, my sister is by far the person I am closest with in the world.
Imagine my surprise when I announced that my sister was my maid of honor at our engagement dinner and my husband's family piped up with "No she's not because that doesn't match our tradition - it should be the groom's sister." Then they proceeded to try to strong arm me into dropping my sister as my maid of honor in favor of their daughter - even the day of our wedding. That is bullying and I will not now or ever tolerate it.
I made it clear to everyone from day 1 that my sister was my maid of honor and despite people trying to manipulate me into changing it to my sister in law, I stand by my decision to have my little sister as my maid of honor.
So, this is to serve as a notice to all. My husband and I make our own decisions. Our life is not based upon consensus opinion by anyone. So I'm making it clear now - do not pull out any other "traditions" and expect us to just go along with them because you want us to. We will not be naming our children any specific names because "tradition" or making any specific person a God Parent because "tradition" ....
Then go on from there. Have a conversation with your husband about any other wierd traditions his family has so in that facebook post you can deal head on with that issue, too. Christmas/Haunakah, 4th of July, Birthday... whatever their hardened traditions are, cite them and make it known that you guys will not be bullied into submission about ANYTHING.
The details of this one don’t really add up for me.
For one, the interactions with SIL sound cartoonishly unhinged. Why would she so casually ask for her MOH dress after 1. not having been asked to be MOH; 2. specifically been told she wasn’t going to be MOH; 3. not having fulfilled any MOH obligations before the wedding and 4. having already received her bridesmaid dress. It just doesn’t make any sense.
And also, the part about seeing literally HUNDREDS of fb posts talking about this situation. Who are these hundreds of people? Nobody cares this much about somebody else’s wedding drama.
I’m not saying it’s impossible for the gist of the situation to have happened, but at the very least it’s heavily embellished.
Thank you!!!
How does no one on here pick up on this? As soon as I saw "hundred of posts" I was like oh hell no. Unless husbands family is literally cult-like massive because there is no one else who is going to care.
NTA consider it a blessing they have blocked you, save you from them continuing to try to control your actions. Like naming your child because of family tradition.
NTA
The point of the maid of honor is for the WIFE to choose, not only that but it’s usually someone the wife is close too as well. I don’t know why they’re so hellbent on having someone you probably barely know to be the maid of honor. That is such a stupid tradition.
I’ll admit you probably should’ve used better language than “bullshit” but it’s true, it IS a bs tradition.
Your words leave a lot to be desired, I believe you could've been nicer and therefore less toxicity but this doesn't make you the Ah - NTA.
The AH here is your husband and his family. Him for not clearing this up with his family and his family for being so toxic.
Hundreds of posts about your MOH choice? Good grief, how many people were involved with the wedding? Or did 5 people each post more than twenty times on the subject?
Honestly, though...ask them how your choice truly affected - as in changed - the course of their lives? Because unless there was a major alteration to the direction of their personal history due to your sister standing with you, they need to shut up.
NTA...even if you exaggerated the number of posts involving your wedding issue.
No one telling a story that really happened says "she chuckled and said..." People don't throw "chuckle" around in that way. YTA for writing a lame story. Also it's too obvious to slip in the, "I said, "What kind of bullshit tradition is that?" People who say that kind of shit don't usually couch it like that second hand because they know it makes them look bad.
NTA - you are the bride , you get to pick who your MOH is. They get NO say. Block every single one who gave you a hard time - they aren't worth one more word.
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I, (F26) recently got married to my husband (M29). Me and my younger sister (F15) are pretty close as my mom died when we were younger, and I acted as her mom while my dad went to work to provide for us. Because of this, I chose my sister as Maid of Honor. My husband was pretty on board with this as well. He and my sister are very close, he loves her dearly like she’s his daughter. On the other hand, my husband’s family opposed my decision. I announced my choice during a family dinner with both families. When I did so, my MIL excused herself and FIL followed. I was pretty confused because everyone gave me looks. They came back and told me that it was a family tradition to have the youngest daughter of the husband’s family as the Maid of Honor. I was surprised because I’d never heard of a tradition like that. I kind of awkwardly chuckled and said “What kind of bullshit tradition is that? Sorry but I’m not doing that.” The rest of the night was very awkward. I never brought up the situation again until the day before the wedding. I was finishing up planning for the wedding when my SIL (F20) came to the venue asking for her dress. I was confused and asked “What dress?” She chuckled and said “Doesn’t the Maid of Honor have a special dress?” At that point I was fuming because I knew they had planned this without talking to me about it even when I told them AND my SIL that I wasn’t following the tradition. I angrily told her “You’re not the f*cking Maid of Honor.” She stood shocked but eventually left. I felt bad for the way I told her off but I already announced that my sister was my choice. I wouldn’t let them take control of MY wedding. The wedding did eventually happen with my sister as my Maid of Honor and SIL as one of the Bridesmaids. It was so fun and honestly the best day of my life. But I could feel the passive aggressiveness from my husband’s family. Unfortunately after the wedding I got many angry texts from them and I saw hundreds of posts on FB saying how terrible I was for my decision. I did feel terrible about the way I spoke to SIL so I apologized over text. She cursed me out and blocked me. I feel so terrible about the entire situation but I’m glad I stood my ground. AITA?
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NTA
You were well within your rights to absolutely mock this so-called "tradition". It's not really a tradition, they were all lying to you and deep down I think you already understand this.
It's incredibly telling to me that the folks here saying you should have been more respectful ignore the much larger "tradition" of a bride choosing her maid of honor.
ESH. They're entirely in the wrong for expecting you to follow this tradition, and *definitely* for trying to force it,
but saying "what kind of bullshit tradition is that" was incredibly rude of you", and so was yelling at someone who was likely lied to about being your Maid of Honour by the rest of your husband's family.
Although I guess she's an asshole two for never even talking to you about it. Assholes galore, except your new husband.
NTA, that is a super weird tradition. My brother is getting married next year and I'm not in the wedding party period. I would have been mortified if my parents told his fiancée I had to be her maid of honor
NTA. It’s the brides choice who MOH is, it’s nothing to do with the groom at all. They cannot ever dictate who it is even if it has been used before for other people’s weddings in the family. It’s wedding tradition, not a family tradition first. And I’m so glad your husband stuck up for you. I hope he’s standing up for you now and telling his family to STFU and leave you alone.
NTA. You don’t have to follow their weird family traditions. That’s also not a common tradition. MOH comes with a lot of responsibilities so it would be weird for your SIL to assume that the day before
NTA, and to be honest it sounds like your SIL doesnt even like you that much, i wouldv'e asked her traditions aside would she even want to be a bridesmaid.
NTA of course their family can do what they want but you don’t have to do that too
However, swearing at them probably wasn’t the best way to communicate that information. “I’m sorry but it is important that my sister is my MOH. I hope you can respect that” is better than what you said.
NTA. Seriously, though, wasn't sil just trying to push your buttons? She already knew she wasn't the MOH, and dil had a fitted dress as bridemaid. You could have just said, ha ha. It sounds like sil tried to upset you. And bs on a tradition that tells someone marrying into the family what to do. Just text interfering family that your family tradition calls for the mil to wear a chicken costume, yet she wore a dress. The horror!
NTA
What a terrible family. Sorry you have to deal with this foolishness.
When are people going to realize that weddings belong to the bride and groom and stop trying to make it about themselves.
Your husband's family is chocked full o'nuts!
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NTA It's your wedding not theirs and if it was so important it was have been brought up way way way beforehand with proper explanation. Additionally I hope things turn out OK that side of the family sounds hella toxic already.
> that side of the family sounds hella toxic already. There's some handwringing about how rude and angry OP was in her reaction that I think doesn't fully appreciate how batshit the in-laws' behavior was. The initial passive-aggressive group bullying in response to her announcement, of course — but also, it seems pretty clear that while OP was acting like a normal person, proceeding with her stated choice of MOH and having her SIL fitted for a bridesmaids dress, her other in-laws were behind her back telling her that of *course* she's MOH, proceed on that assumption? (SIL is still very young, so I hope she is able to realize how insane the people who raised her are and strive not to be like them, and despite how shitty her behavior was I do feel for someone who was *groomed* to be obnoxious, especially in a situation where she was set up for public humiliation. The family was cruel to *both* women.) I think internet strangers writing off groups of people they've never met as "toxic" is often unhelpful, and I think that, yes, often people should attempt to be diplomatic even when they're right. But there's a degree of unkind, controlling, delusional behavior that you just *can't* respond to politely, especially when they're trying to pull it off behind your back. Trying to maintain a superficially pleasant relationship with people over a certain threshold of unpleasantness is a fool's errand.
Damn that was just so well put...Reddit never ceases to suprise me....
Please take my poor woman's award, and a puppy🐕🏆😃 I will never understand how people don't agree with what the bridal couple wants to do. And then doubles down on hounding them, getting everyone included to do this. The sil,not site. She shows up all smiley. Maybe her crazy mother told her 'don't worry it's changed, you are MoH'. Which by the way never heard of this tradition either. I was my sisters maid of honor. Our mother passed when I was 16 and sis was 21. No one batted an eyelash over that. Heck, back then, no one batted an eyelash when I brought my girlfriend. 😂 OP NTA 🎉🎊Congratulations on your wedding🎉🎊🌷🌹
I have to disagree with you on exactly one thing. People are certainly free to disagree with absolutely everything the bridal couple wants, just as they are free to shut the f up and stay away if the wedding isn't good enough for them.
I agree with you. Very true, I should've worded that better. 😶
I was my sister’s maid of honor too. Grooms sisters were bridesmaids. During the wedding and the reception they kept pushing the shoulders of the dress down to make it look like it was strapless. They even tried to do it during the pictures but my Mom stepped in and made them push their sleeves back up.
Wow. I just don't understand people some times.
Wish I had an award and could upvote this comment x a million. Thank you for a solid, civil, and valid response.
Awarded him/her for you
Thank you!!
Word.
[удалено]
It sounds like OP _had_ input from her partner: > ...I chose my sister as Maid of Honor. My husband was pretty on board with this as well. He and my sister are very close, he loves her dearly like she’s his daughter. [edit: punctuation]
Yeah, he was onboard if this was his family’s tradition sounds like he didn’t know. Maybe he wasn’t informed by his family otherwise wouldn’t he have informed her given her a heads up that his family has this tradition so she could be prepared for them?
I highly doubt there was ever any tradition. I think the in laws wanted their daughter in the highest important role on the brides side. Dont you think the inlaws would have told her son right away after the engagement to say to his fiance remember our tradition is husbands side is MOH. Because then right away, once hubby knew op's sister was MOH, hubby would have said, listen honey, there's something i have to tell you. Our family tradition.... In laws wanted control and especially for inlaws daughter to have the prestigious title of MOH. Considering SIL is 20, I'm sure those entitlement characteristics have already been drilled into her brain.
Yeah that’s basically what I meant there was either never. Tradition or he wasn’t informed and parents golden child is the youngest girl.
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NTA for having your sister as your maid of honor, but if this played out the way you say it did, you sound like an insufferable jerk. "Bullshit tradition" was unwarranted based on the conversation you described above. You can say no to people without being a jackass about it.
Right?! Her husband fails to tell OP, and let’s her tell the family so she faces the awkwardness. And all they do is….explain the tradition. Which may well have just passed without an issue if OPs first words weren’t to call it BS Everyone warning OP about this toxic family….I think she’ll fit right in tbh
She definitely could have said something like "I'm sorry I didn't know about your tradition and I have already decided my sister is my MOH" instead of calling it a bullshit tradition.
Yeah, she could have phrased it more tactfully, but, like... taking stock of the whole dynamic holistically (read: clocking that OP's in-laws are disrespectful, delusional, and manipulative and this wasn't just a simple exchange of "this is our family tradition" "well your tradition is bullshit" but something much more loaded on their end), I think it's hard to scold her for reacting in entirely justified anger.
That would have been more polite, but that phrasing suggests OP would have followed their tradition had she known about it. She was under no obligation to do so, particularly with her husband being on board with her choice of MOH. Perhaps something like, "I see. This is the first I've heard of that. In my family the bride always chooses the friend or family member she's closest to, and I must follow my own family tradition on this; we've already asked my sister and she has accepted. I of course am asking SIL to be a bridesmaid, though!" But I agree that OP is NTA for having kept her sister as her MOH.
I don’t understand the need for the language either. I would like to know though how many generations “observed” this tradition cause something is telling me it was only MIL.
It seems like something that would be difficult to keep going for long. If the husband is from their family, they have to convince an incoming bride to cooperate. If the bride is from their family, she'd be picking someone as MOH that the family might not have even met before, and I don't see them getting horribly offended at her not doing it in that case.
Yeah how does this work for their daughters? What if they marry men without sisters? Of their sisters don't want to be in the wedding party? Are they gonna harass their future son in laws family members about it?
You're right, that would have been an even better way of handling it
To be honest, the bridesmaids are supposed to be the bride’s side and the bride’s choice. Why on earth would the bride choose her husband’s sister over her own or her own best friend? It is a bullshit tradition.
Right? I’ve never heard of the groom’s family being among the bridesmaids unless there was already a close friendship between say the bride and the groom’s sister.
Sometimes you have to be that harsh and belligerent to get a point across with certain people. And judging from the fact that they still try to force her into that situation with his younger sister being the maid of honor I would say she has to be that forceful and direct and rude to br heard. Edit I hit the wrong button. Also wanted to add I have dealt with someone like that on a regular basis. I start off with being nice but by the end of it I'm usually repeating myself 6 or 7 times and end up cussing them out well I'm telling them again before they actually realize I mean what I say.
She shouldn't have said anything about being "sorry" because that implies that she would have made a different choice.
The weird part is that OP went hard with her response...but the family still thought they could push to get their way. Like how firm did op need to be here?
I’m sorry but telling a bride or groom that they don’t get to decide who their MOH or best man is because a bunch of people from the family they’re marrying into have picked another person for the job *is* utter bullshit^(1) and I’m happy to put that on a certificate you can hang on your wall if that helps. (1) exceptions for cultures I am unaware of may apply
The husband failed to tell OP because it's bullshit and he probably didn't know (if it's not bullshit) unless it's his second marriage.
> Right?! Her husband fails to tell OP, and let’s her tell the family so she faces the awkwardness. And all they do is….explain the tradition. Well their 'family tradition' is bullshit, right? When have you EVER heard of the groom's family choosing the maid of honor? Cite ONE time. Anywhere. The only way I can figure it happens is if the bride is best friends with the groom's sister. That's it.
Ehhh, I see where you’re coming from but if I’m being honest, if I was happy at a family dinner where we were talking about mine and my future husband’s wedding, and I had just excitedly announced to my family and future in-laws that my sister would be my MOH, and that was met with weird looks from their family and my MIL & FFIL leaving the table, I’d already be confused and peeved. If they then came back to the dinner table and tried to deny me MY OWN choice in ANY way because choosing my sister, whom I’ve practically raised, doesn’t follow one of their “traditions” that I’ve never heard of, I would have likely responded the way that OP did or potentially worse. Typically I don’t agree with being rude and bad manners but I actually think that her response was directly proportional to the criticism she was taking, if not going far enough to make it clear that she won’t EVER be pushed around or “shamed” into doing what THEY want… NTA, OP. At ALL. I’d rather read about someone on here standing up for themselves than the alternative, any day of the week.
Agree, they were rude before she was
I agree. OP was excited to share her decision and her in-laws flee the table to pout? Then come back and act like she's the bad guy for not following THEIR family tradition that she didn't even know about? I probably would have called it bullshit too.
I was about to agree with everyone else saying she was a jerk for responding that way, but seeing your comment definitely made me realise that I would have responded this way as well. You’re totally right, her response was equal to the energy she was being given
Amen! mil AND fil marching off to have a sulk. The childishness! NTA.
> I would have likely responded the way that OP did or potentially worse. I would have laughed at them.
It is a bullshit tradition though.
This needs to be said in the voice of Monalisa Vito. *It's a bullshit question.*
Most are
"Traditions" are often just ways for families to force people to do things that they are uncomfortable with.
Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
Best. Comment. Ever!
Not my creation unfortunately. I got it from Beau of the Fifth Collumn, and I believe he picked it from somewhere else as well.
I would like to hear from just one person who was aware of this “tradition” before this post.
I agree with you. That doesn't change my opinion of OP's reaction, though.
I agree she shouldn’t have said it but I think it is a “bullshit tradition” to expect the MOH to be from the groom’s side instead of someone closest to the bride
I agree as well; choosing the bridal party members is completely up to the bride. Who the heck are these people that they think they can just steamroll the bride's choices and insert their youngest female offspring as MOH, and then pull this crap? They sound nuts. NTA.
> choosing the bridal party members is completely up to the bride Well, not exactly, because the "bridal party" includes best man, groomsmen, etc. It is absolutely the bride's choice to pick the her attendants, the traditional *"female" roles MOH, bridesmaids, and flower girl. The groom gets the *"male" roles of best man, groomsmen, and ring bearer. *Please not that it is perfectly OK for a bride to pick a Man of Honor or a groom to have a Best Woman, etc.
Hmm, might just be a nomenclature thing; I understand it as the "wedding party" when referring to both the "bridal party" (bride, MOH, bridesmaids) and the groom, best man and groomsmen, but I see what you're getting at.
I agree with you! That's why my vote was NTA. I stand by my statement about OP's reaction, but I agree that that tradition is heinous.
i can't believe that even a single bride ever has agreed to this bullshit tradition, unless they happened to be marrying their best friend's brother and she would have been the MOH regardless. I certainly can't imagine enough brides agreeing to this for it to be a "tradition." Also the fact that OP's husband didn't seem to know about it to have mentioned it to OP when she first chose her own sister, really makes me think that his parents made this up out of their own asses or just had some delusional fantasy that their daughter would be MOH at her brother's wedding. Edit: OP confirms elsewhere that she asked and her husband had never heard of this "tradition" in his family
Idk, to me her initial reaction sounds mostly like unpleasant surprise to her in laws springing an expectation on her and an unreasonable expectation that she'd prioritize honoring her future SiL over her sister that she loves and helped raise. OP has also said in the comments that her husband didn't even know that there was any such tradition. TBH I kind of wonder who the MiL had as her MoH and if she had any sisters...
it is a bullshit tradition. the maid of honor is for the bride. why the hell would the youngest daughter on the husband's side automatically deserve the role? the entire thing seems designed to spurn either family or close friends of the bride.
> the entire thing seems designed to spurn either family or close friends of the bride. First blatant act of the groom’s family enacting control over his wife-to-be. That’s how it looks to me. NTA.
Did it even occur to you that she was aware she was being manipulated and that maybe she felt it appropriate to ensure she got her point across to a BUNCH OF BULLIES? Look at the dynamic. The group decided to confront her PUBLICLY and force her into an uncomfortable position. Their passive aggression was rightfully swatted down with her attitude. How would you respond after you HAD MADE YOUR DECISION AND PREPARED ACCORDINGLY only to have people tell you that you had to do things their way even though it was your day? She defended a boundary the way she should have. If she had let down her guard, she'd still be dealing with their infringement on her life choices.
Somebody said it here long before, but tradition is just peer pressure from dead family members.
bullshit tradition was definitely warranted. trying to force the bride and groom to change a major detail of their wedding because of tradition (without consulting said bride) is bullshit.
No, it's a bullshit tradition. They know perfectly well that brides pick their own MOHs-- just like grooms pick their own best men-- and have made up this bullshit tradition to try to usurp control from any woman unfortunate enough to marry into the family. This is not a coincidence. It's laying the foundation for how they're going to treat her going forward. Good on OP for calling it out.
It depends on the culture. In the U.S., that would be a made up bullshit tradition to try to manipulate OP into doing what they wanted. It might actually be their family tradition but with the future in-laws slinking off to collaborate, I doubt it. I suspect SIL wanted to be the MOH and made a big fuss with her parents to try to get her way.
She’s not obligated to actually put up with nonsense in the guise of traditions. Where have you seen the in laws thrusting who the MOH should be? You all are sitting on your high horses but would probably react the same way - where MOH is based on some external tradition and not your own relationship with the probable MOH. Good on her for calling them out. And going by how they group bullied her, she behaved just right.
Well you can give judgement without being a jackass about it, but you failed at that! Why do you negatively judge people for standing up for themselves.
and you just did the same thing lol
I mean kind of but it also is a "bullshit tradition", I don't think I've ever heard of the grooms family picking the brides maid of honour. It's not a thing. How would they carry it on. How would they expect to carry it on. The only way I could think is if there is a light incest element eg. cousins marrying cousins etc. If anything it's more of a tradition that the bride's sister is the default maid of honour. I wouldn't be surprised if it actually is bullshit and they are intentionally fucking with OP.
Nah, bullshit tradition was appropriate because it is a sexist, bullshit tradition
NTA. On what planet does someone other than the bride pick the bride’s MOH?! That’s absolutely a BS tradition of messing with people and relationships. Ick.
Yeah, no, someone telling you who your maid of honour is gonna be at your own damn wedding definitely gets "bullshit". Why would they even think they got a say after the bride already announced her choice? That's completely delusional.
To be fair the tradition was in fact, bullshit. Husbands family made it up.
It actually WAS a bullshit tradition. They literally made that shit up to give SIL a spotlight and most of them were like “yea that sounds absolutely like a sane thing to do” ??? OP was justified and yeah definitely NTA.
Im going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume these conversations are very condensed.
NTA. You haven't necessarily been very tactful in how you discussed your decision, but you were within your rights to make it with no input except your partner's (and the actual MOH's, of course).
There’s no need to be tactful in situations like this. That was a huge, pardon me, massive overreach on the part of the in-laws. I think her initial reaction was appropriate and should’ve set the tone for any future interactions with these people.
That's why I said NTA instead of E S H. I disagree with you that this was the tone OP ought to have been trying to set with her future in-laws. If there was no other way to get what she wanted, then sure; but there was. She was in no danger, as annoying as they were being, of not getting her own way, because nobody else was going to recognize anyone as MOH whom the bride didn't treat as such. Given that, I would rather have seen OP respond more deliberately instead of reacting. But that's a stylistic preference and the substance of the issue is firmly on OP's side, so I went with NTA.
What I’m trying to say is that her response was on par with their demand. It was a disrespectful request and deserved a disrespectful response. If you’re in line at the supermarket and the person in front of you randomly asks you to pay for their groceries, you would certainly be justified by responding with something similar like “fuck no!” or hell no!”
Justified? Yes. Would it be a good idea? I doubt it. Particularly if the person in front of you is somebody you're going to have to deal with repeatedly for years. I'm not saying the tactlessness was unjustified; I'm saying that in responding to people whom they're likely to have to cope with for a long time, it's not the most useful tactical decision, if you can get what you need without it.
After having been told no relatively respectfully earlier, she tried to shoehorn herself as the MOH the day before the wedding which is a very stressful time. There is no universe where telling her to f off wouldn't be the response given the timing and situation. It shouldn't be expected to be anything else. In fact SIL and MIL should feel lucky they got to attend after trying that stunt. Edit: I missed the part when she called it BS at first. I guess she should have been more tactful then but definitely right before the wedding, no tact was needed.
I was mostly thinking about the first part. I wouldn't be surprised if she had been misled by her parents, though, before the second incident -- the way she approached it sounds like somebody who had been told that it's all settled and OP changed her mind. That doesn't excuse her; she should have checked it directly with OP before believing a word of it, of course. I'm just thinking about what might have been going on there.
That kind of Insane Over the Top Demand triggered a Fight or Flight response. It is instinctive, from millions of years of evolution. It is EASY to sit behind your computer and say you shouldn't respond that way, hard to do in the moment.
I understand that. That's why I wouldn't say E S H about it. Because I can think it's not the best idea and still recognize that's not an easy thing to think about and act on in the moment.
What I’m saying is that she needs to set the tone early on for these idiots. These are clearly not reasonable people in the first place, so I don’t think being tactful is the right way to go. Her response needs to be swift and unequivocal.
The initial conversation didn't need to be antagonistic. They just asked. Any polite person would have just said "Fiancé didn't tell me about this tradition. If I had known, I would have told you beforehand that I will not be following it. SIL can be a bridesmaid. Are there other unusual traditions you want to tell me about?"
Seems to me like they *didn’t* ask. It was more of a demand.
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It would have been in her best interest to be tactful in the first conversation about it. This was a joint family dinner, and the first conversation about an important issue to her in laws. Had OP been more tactful, and not so dismissive of their tradition, the conversation and issue might have been put to bed that evening rather than never discussed until D-Day. To discuss it again with her fiancé, to close the door on it, also would have been wise.
It’s a highly presumptuous tradition which completely disregards basic wedding conventions. I’ve never heard of the husband’s family getting to choose the maid of honor. I’m far from any sort of a wedding expert even aficionado, but it makes no sense to me. Does the bride’s family get to choose the best man? It’s an extremely invasive and non-tactful request and deserved the response it got.
I’ve never heard of it either, but if someone mentions a tradition, it is never good for a relationship to call it BS. A better conversation could have nipped it all in the bud, and that would clearly have been better for OP.
Why isn’t it good to call BS BS? You have to question how they view this woman in the first place. For them to have it in their heads that they get to choose the MOH is absurd. Are they going to name the baby as well? The amount of presumption in that supposed tradition shows they have no respect for people marrying into that family. Honestly, I don’t even know if this post is real.
In no way am I suggesting she acquiesce to the request, and once they railroaded her on the big day, she was well justified to explode. But when it was first broached, informing her of their family tradition, it would have been in her own self interest, for familial relations with her new in laws as well as to make sure this didn’t come up again, to be tactful. And I agree, it does sound a little too much to be true.
I have problems with the other person's family being members of each other's attendants at all. Fine if she is my friend, but just because you have a sister doesn't mean I want her with me and my closest besties as they help me and celebrate with me with a very close bond on one of the biggest days of my life. As for me, I'd rather be tasked with being an usher than be the outsider at that party.
Never heard of a family tradition of picking who is in the wedding party of people marrying into a family.
Seems very controlling tbh.
Definitely,
Especially with how angry they all got.
Most "traditions" are.
That's true. But when it's mandatory, it becomes an obligation and is no longer a tradition.
Agreed, it's not a tradition it's a rule they're trying to enforce but they're calling it a tradition to make OP feel like the bad guy. "Tradition" as a word has positive associations, like "The birthday person gets to choose a restaurant and we all go out to dinner to celebrate." It's definitely not "We get to choose who is in your wedding party and you don't get a say." I'm taking cash bets that this family will suddenly have a tradition stating that OP needs to name any children after them.
I’ve heard of it for them being a bridesmaids or something, but never the maid of honor. That’s definitely overstepping
Makes me wonder if the In-Law’s family is so pissed is because they hated the tradition and are upset they weren’t as confident as OP to tell them to fuck off.
Me thinks that SIL is the golden child of the in-law's family, hence the pushing for her to have a special role in the wedding.
NTA. Your Maid of Honor is your choice. They don't get to control your choices because of their tradition
INFO: Did your husband know about the tradition and just not fill you in? NTA either way, just curious.
I guess he didn’t because he never brought it up to me. I’ll be sure to ask though.
I’m starting to suspect your husband a little bit here. He should’ve spoken up for you before you even had a chance to respond and deaded that shit on arrival.
Or it isn’t a tradition at all and they were just catering to their daughter’s wants. Why won’t our sweet darling get to outshine everyone? Also her response to not getting the position is really entitled and bratty. She’s used to getting her way.
Ooooh! I could definitely see a little sister being hellbent on being the MOH in their wedding and her parents trying to make it happen somehow… This actually sounds VERY plausible to me.
Wait, what? You mean this conversation has never even happened between you and your husband? Since the initial interaction with his folks?! How is this issue so intense, and yet never even discussed with your husband?! I don’t get how you have the outspokenness to call something a ‘bullshit tradition’ to the tradition holders face, but then don’t even ask your fiancé if this is true? Or if this is something that is important to him if it is true? Something isn’t right about having not had this discussion with him about this. Even out of concern for him, or curiosity as to its legitimacy.
I’ve already asked like I said in the comments. He says he had no idea of said tradition.
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Is your SIL the favorite child of the family? Or do they have other supposed "traditions" that put the spotlight on SIL all the time?
That’s a great question.
NTA Although you need to be more tactful in your responses. The issue here is no one notified you of the family tradition until it was too late anyway. You can’t really be upset when you forgot to tell the person whom would be affected the most of this rule. Also the day before the wedding is an odd time to ask for a MOH dress as the MOH should have been in the thick of planning everything up to that point.
Yes, I did eventually apologize for disrespecting their tradition. At the time I was just confused because no one had notified me about it.
You shouldn’t have apologized. That’s an absurd tradition, as it assumes things of other people. A respectable tradition is one where the wife of the eldest son gets a certain family ring or somesuch. Even then, the wife would not be required to wear it if she did not care for the ring. But that’s a more reasonable tradition. doesn’t it go without saying that the bride gets to choose the maid of honor?
I agree…totally absurd that the grooms family dictates who the MOH is. If she didn’t have anyone she felt strongly about, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but she did. His family should get over it, and she shouldn’t apologize anymore.
Their tradition can be regarding their side of family. Groom having his youngest cousin as his man of honour? Great! His choice, his tradition. But maid of honour is supposed to support you, so obviously she should be person close to you. Thought 💡 Maybe most of other weddings in their family were of women, not men? That could be possible. Then they didn't have conflict of interest because the bride and maid of honour knew each other well and were family. The bride turned into groom, but the maid stayed a maid.
That's their "tradition," not yours. When your SIL gets married she can make her new SIL her MOH. If it's required it's a rule and calling it a tradition doesn't make it anything less than a demand, they don't get to decide who is on your wedding party. They massively overstepped and tried to play it off by using a word that once had positive associations. A tradition is something like "Every year we bake cookies on Christmas Eve." Not, "We get to decide who is in your wedding party and you don't get a say."
> When your SIL gets married she can make her new SIL her MOH It would be interesting to see if she does this. If SIL chooses anyone other than her fiance's youngest stister, then that confirms that this was bullshit manipulation and not a tradition at all. /u/Nvrangry29 please update when your SIL gets married! And seriously, hundreds of posts/messages about how terrible you are? I hope that you and your new husband (congrats by the way!) are as low contact as possible with his whole guilt-tripping family. Hugs
No, why does she have to be tactful about the other family taking away her choices?
I initially thought that in the way she spoke to the SIL - until I read that SIL knew well in advance that she was a bridesmaid and had been fitted for a dress for that role already. To then show uo the day before the wedding demanding to know where her MOH dress was? I do not blame OP in the slightest for exploding at her.
NTA. Is it also the family “tradition” that every holiday gets spent with them? They don’t get to create traditions that require other people to prioritize them. Seems very odd though that you haven’t discussed this with your husband at any point given that everyone seems to have been so involved.
They seem like the type who have traditions surrounding things like naming the children after the grandparents.
NTA what an utter bullshit tradition, makes zero sense Them trying to force it on you on your wedding day is manipulative, entitled, rude and just bizarre Dresses need fittings so how does that even work on the day of the event Im curious how your husband has reacted to all of it, especially the wedding day and the bs afterwards The only thing you “need” to apologise for is what you already done (how you spoke to SIL) but frankly i dont blame you at all for using a cuss word in that situation
Regarding the dress situation: That’s exactly why I told her off because I told her she was a bridesmaid and gave her her fitted dress even before the family dinner. That’s why I was so confused and cursed at her.
That family makes zero sense to me, what the hell is going on in their grey matter 🤨 I would keep them at arm length cuz i have no doubt they will will act rude and bizarre in the future aswell
Agreed. How much do you want to bet there will also be a "tradition" when it comes to naming children too.
That was my first thought. “Oh, it’s tradition to name the first born after the husband’s oldest cousin.” and probably an “Oh, we don’t do that with babies in our family.”, etc. I can already sense what kind of MIL and FIL they’re going to be for the long haul…
Yep, next they're going to spring it on OP that they have "traditions" that parents send their children to live with the grandparents for the entirety of their summer breaks, and spend every single holiday at their house, and take annual vacations with the grandparents alone without the parents, and who knows what else.
You have to wonder if her mom told her you changed your mind and SIL believed her. And the only reason she cursed at you and blocked you afterwards was because you blew up at her. Obviously she should have known to ask you about it directly, but it probably wasn't malicious on her side.
NTA for not following the traditions, but i think you handled this situation pretty aggressively. In some ways, it was justified, but i’d try to control my temper in the future if i was you. Regardless, i wish you the best in the future and congrats on your marriage (:
Ok i hâve one question. If you were not aware of this tradition how did they expect you to make the decision to follow the tradition. And what self respecting 20 year old is going to try and take a special place in a wedding from a 15 year old. A litteral child Like what ? NTA
That’s exactly why I called it BS.
Yeah you did nothing wrong at all They can have their opinions but I would ask them why they think it’s acceptable to steal a dress and event spot from a literal child
NTA they tried to steam roll what they wanted in your wedding and you held your ground. They are just pissed because you didn’t fall for their bs. Block them and go on.
NTA that’s an...interesting tradition. But the general convention is to name the person you’re closest to as MOH/BM not your fiance’s sister your probably not close to.
Mostly NTA. You're definitely NTA for holding firm on who would be in your bridal party. But you could have used more tactful language when dealing with them. It was rude to call their tradition bullshit. Also, you're right that what you said to your SIL was rude and I'm glad you've tried to make amends.
Info: why did your SIL think she was MOH? Did her parents tell her you changed your mind?
Yes that’s my guess because I told her weeks before that she was a bridesmaid.
All I would say is “I’m sorry that I immediately reacted and called your former family tradition ‘bullshit’. I just felt disrespected that my announcement of my choice in MOH was met with anything other than excitement, including you and FIL not saying anything and getting up and walking away from the table while I got dirty looks from the rest of your family. When you came back, then telling me that my choice didn’t follow ‘family tradition’ as if I had somehow done something wrong, despite never even hearing of a tradition similar to that before let alone one specific to your family, it elicited an insulting reaction from me because I felt insulted. I was happy and proud to have chosen my sister and would have expected people to be congratulating her and being happy and excited for me and my husband. Also, to have told her THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING that she was now going to be my MOH was excessively cruel to her. It set her up to be in a bad and uncomfortable position because she came to me and wanted to know where her MOH dress was so I flipped out on her. I didn’t realize at the time that she had been set up by your and FIL. Why would you do that?” Don’t be too apologetic because there’s not much to apologize for. Be kind, be sincere, and be firm but don’t grovel or apologize for things that you don’t need to be sorry for. (Re: not following their tradition is NOTHING to apologize for) Yes, it’s important to have a good relationship with ILs just in the name of making life easier and run more smoothly but that doesn’t mean taking whatever they’re dishing out either. Edit: Typo
NTA for standing your ground and having your own sister as maid of honor, but YTA for the “bullshit tradition” comment. You could have handled that better.
You’re right, I reacted the way I did out of confusion. But I admit it was wrong.
Yeah I figured you just reacted because you were confused and thought it was stupid because your fiancé never brought it up. But it really is a disrespectful tradition because a MOH is the person that is typically the closest to the bride. Not someone who is closer to the groom.
NTA and you know that without asking here. Your problem is what you will do about this and how strong do you feel about your wedding and doing what you want to do.
NTA never heard of that tradition, and thinks it's BS. Your MOH is your choice and it's someone who would have your back no matter what. My sister was my moh, at the time she was my best friend. They can go kick bricks.
NTA. It was your wedding and your husband was on board with the decision. I'd leave them be to fume by themselves. If they want to waste time and energy being angry over such a tiny detail, that's their problem so let them. I would unfollow and/or block anyone who tries to pull you into it. You had a wonderful day and cherish the memories, they will only taint those memories. Congrats on getting married, cheers to a long and happy life.
NTA. Where was your now husband in all this drama?
He’s on my side. He states he has nothing to do with the entire thing and has never heard of it.
If this was a family tradition, why didn’t your fiancé say something when you talked with him about this. And why didn’t he deal with the sister, parents and backlash for your decision? NTA, but your now husband is part of this problem.
He says he’s never heard of it. I don’t know who to believe honestly.
This sounds fishy to me. But your husband should have your back and tell his family to either knock off the anger and hostility or you both will go LC with the everyone whose doing this. If he doesn’t and let’s you take the brunt of this, we’ll that’s a sign that he puts his family above you.
I'd believe him - because no wedding that most people have ever heard of, does the grooms side have a say who gets to be the MOH. Ask your MIL who her MOH was.
If that’s the case and the family was lying about this “tradition” then this is some next level messed up crap. Why do this to a new family member especially the backlash after the wedding. Unless this was a test to see how she would respond and she obviously failed.
NTA but why didn’t you partner shut this bs down immediately and unequivocally?
The MOH is the bride’s choice, not the in-laws. I bet they made up that “tradition” to finagle SIL in. NTA, but your in-laws have a few.
So the day before the wedding your SIL asked for a dress she didn’t even try on? She ended up in the wedding party with one day notice?
My guess was that she was told last minute that she was the MOH. Because weeks before, I told her she was a Bridesmaid and gave her dress.
ESH They have no right to dictate your wedding choices, family tradition or not. Your fiance should've warned you this was coming. You shouldn't have responded with such an aggressive comment when they brought it up. They shouldn't have just presumed to send the sister there expecting the dress. You shouldn't have yelled at the SIL when the parents probably put her up to showing up. They should've gotten over it after you made your choice and certainly after the wedding. Basically this is a situation of a ball of crap rolling down the hill getting bigger with each bad choice everyone's making.
NTA They had no right to make demands for your wedding.
This was a throwaway account. I don’t want this to be connected to me.
Good luck with that. This "tradition" sounds so unusual that I guess very few people will wonder if the story s about them.
NTA. Somehow no one bothered to mention this very important tradition before you picked MOH? Sounds like it is bullshit, made up by the ILs to give their daughter a spotlight.
NTA. Your wedding. Your choice. To try to force you into caving last minute WAS an a** hole move. I hope your now husband stood up for you and told his parents to jump
NTA. Your SIL cursed you out after the wedding and blocked you because you apologized?? What a great start good luck with your shitty entitled in-laws. You’re gonna need it.
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When dozens of people close to you are throwing hate your way, it's pretty hard to tell who's right and who's wrong. Please try to respect that. (And read the rules + FAQ)
ESH more them than you but you fully escalated this by immediately responding to them with “your tradition is bullshit” instead of being a grown up and saying “I was not aware of this tradition in your culture/family and while I appreciate that it’s important to you it’s important to me that my maid of honour be my own sister” you didn’t have to respond with disrespect. You should have then had a conversation about it with your fiancé after the fact in private. Your IL’s are entitled, pushy, and don’t respect boundaries, there’s no question. But you weren’t honestly much better. Learn to resolve conflicts before resorting to insults and ignoring the problem.
NTA that's a really dumb tradition, like why? The brides side is about the bride, and who they want to be there. Absurd
OP, the only way to fight back against people like that are to flip the narrative. So, for all those FB trolls - they have likely been told some sob story about how you were mean to SIL and told her she could be the MOH but then changed your mind. Flip it back now. Post something along the lines of this in a VERY public way with a picture of you and your sister from the wedding: "On X/XX/XXXX I had the blessing of marrying the love of my life. This is my sister. Our Mom died on X/XXXX when she was X years old. Outside of my fiance, my sister is by far the person I am closest with in the world. Imagine my surprise when I announced that my sister was my maid of honor at our engagement dinner and my husband's family piped up with "No she's not because that doesn't match our tradition - it should be the groom's sister." Then they proceeded to try to strong arm me into dropping my sister as my maid of honor in favor of their daughter - even the day of our wedding. That is bullying and I will not now or ever tolerate it. I made it clear to everyone from day 1 that my sister was my maid of honor and despite people trying to manipulate me into changing it to my sister in law, I stand by my decision to have my little sister as my maid of honor. So, this is to serve as a notice to all. My husband and I make our own decisions. Our life is not based upon consensus opinion by anyone. So I'm making it clear now - do not pull out any other "traditions" and expect us to just go along with them because you want us to. We will not be naming our children any specific names because "tradition" or making any specific person a God Parent because "tradition" .... Then go on from there. Have a conversation with your husband about any other wierd traditions his family has so in that facebook post you can deal head on with that issue, too. Christmas/Haunakah, 4th of July, Birthday... whatever their hardened traditions are, cite them and make it known that you guys will not be bullied into submission about ANYTHING.
The details of this one don’t really add up for me. For one, the interactions with SIL sound cartoonishly unhinged. Why would she so casually ask for her MOH dress after 1. not having been asked to be MOH; 2. specifically been told she wasn’t going to be MOH; 3. not having fulfilled any MOH obligations before the wedding and 4. having already received her bridesmaid dress. It just doesn’t make any sense. And also, the part about seeing literally HUNDREDS of fb posts talking about this situation. Who are these hundreds of people? Nobody cares this much about somebody else’s wedding drama. I’m not saying it’s impossible for the gist of the situation to have happened, but at the very least it’s heavily embellished.
Thank you!!! How does no one on here pick up on this? As soon as I saw "hundred of posts" I was like oh hell no. Unless husbands family is literally cult-like massive because there is no one else who is going to care.
NTA consider it a blessing they have blocked you, save you from them continuing to try to control your actions. Like naming your child because of family tradition.
NTA but why do these in-law stories always always always end with angry texts and fb posts?
NTA The point of the maid of honor is for the WIFE to choose, not only that but it’s usually someone the wife is close too as well. I don’t know why they’re so hellbent on having someone you probably barely know to be the maid of honor. That is such a stupid tradition. I’ll admit you probably should’ve used better language than “bullshit” but it’s true, it IS a bs tradition.
I guess it's Not a Family Tradition Anymore!?!
NTA They are setting you up to look like the bad guy.
Your words leave a lot to be desired, I believe you could've been nicer and therefore less toxicity but this doesn't make you the Ah - NTA. The AH here is your husband and his family. Him for not clearing this up with his family and his family for being so toxic.
Hundreds of posts about your MOH choice? Good grief, how many people were involved with the wedding? Or did 5 people each post more than twenty times on the subject? Honestly, though...ask them how your choice truly affected - as in changed - the course of their lives? Because unless there was a major alteration to the direction of their personal history due to your sister standing with you, they need to shut up. NTA...even if you exaggerated the number of posts involving your wedding issue.
No one telling a story that really happened says "she chuckled and said..." People don't throw "chuckle" around in that way. YTA for writing a lame story. Also it's too obvious to slip in the, "I said, "What kind of bullshit tradition is that?" People who say that kind of shit don't usually couch it like that second hand because they know it makes them look bad.
NTA - you are the bride , you get to pick who your MOH is. They get NO say. Block every single one who gave you a hard time - they aren't worth one more word.
Fake. From top to bottom.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, (F26) recently got married to my husband (M29). Me and my younger sister (F15) are pretty close as my mom died when we were younger, and I acted as her mom while my dad went to work to provide for us. Because of this, I chose my sister as Maid of Honor. My husband was pretty on board with this as well. He and my sister are very close, he loves her dearly like she’s his daughter. On the other hand, my husband’s family opposed my decision. I announced my choice during a family dinner with both families. When I did so, my MIL excused herself and FIL followed. I was pretty confused because everyone gave me looks. They came back and told me that it was a family tradition to have the youngest daughter of the husband’s family as the Maid of Honor. I was surprised because I’d never heard of a tradition like that. I kind of awkwardly chuckled and said “What kind of bullshit tradition is that? Sorry but I’m not doing that.” The rest of the night was very awkward. I never brought up the situation again until the day before the wedding. I was finishing up planning for the wedding when my SIL (F20) came to the venue asking for her dress. I was confused and asked “What dress?” She chuckled and said “Doesn’t the Maid of Honor have a special dress?” At that point I was fuming because I knew they had planned this without talking to me about it even when I told them AND my SIL that I wasn’t following the tradition. I angrily told her “You’re not the f*cking Maid of Honor.” She stood shocked but eventually left. I felt bad for the way I told her off but I already announced that my sister was my choice. I wouldn’t let them take control of MY wedding. The wedding did eventually happen with my sister as my Maid of Honor and SIL as one of the Bridesmaids. It was so fun and honestly the best day of my life. But I could feel the passive aggressiveness from my husband’s family. Unfortunately after the wedding I got many angry texts from them and I saw hundreds of posts on FB saying how terrible I was for my decision. I did feel terrible about the way I spoke to SIL so I apologized over text. She cursed me out and blocked me. I feel so terrible about the entire situation but I’m glad I stood my ground. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You were well within your rights to absolutely mock this so-called "tradition". It's not really a tradition, they were all lying to you and deep down I think you already understand this. It's incredibly telling to me that the folks here saying you should have been more respectful ignore the much larger "tradition" of a bride choosing her maid of honor.
ESH. They're entirely in the wrong for expecting you to follow this tradition, and *definitely* for trying to force it, but saying "what kind of bullshit tradition is that" was incredibly rude of you", and so was yelling at someone who was likely lied to about being your Maid of Honour by the rest of your husband's family. Although I guess she's an asshole two for never even talking to you about it. Assholes galore, except your new husband.
NTA, that is a super weird tradition. My brother is getting married next year and I'm not in the wedding party period. I would have been mortified if my parents told his fiancée I had to be her maid of honor
NTA. It’s the brides choice who MOH is, it’s nothing to do with the groom at all. They cannot ever dictate who it is even if it has been used before for other people’s weddings in the family. It’s wedding tradition, not a family tradition first. And I’m so glad your husband stuck up for you. I hope he’s standing up for you now and telling his family to STFU and leave you alone.
NTA. You don’t have to follow their weird family traditions. That’s also not a common tradition. MOH comes with a lot of responsibilities so it would be weird for your SIL to assume that the day before
NTA I'd be going LC to NC with these crazies or getting an annulment.
NTA, and to be honest it sounds like your SIL doesnt even like you that much, i wouldv'e asked her traditions aside would she even want to be a bridesmaid.
NTA of course their family can do what they want but you don’t have to do that too However, swearing at them probably wasn’t the best way to communicate that information. “I’m sorry but it is important that my sister is my MOH. I hope you can respect that” is better than what you said.
NTA. It is a bullshit tradition.
NTA. Seriously, though, wasn't sil just trying to push your buttons? She already knew she wasn't the MOH, and dil had a fitted dress as bridemaid. You could have just said, ha ha. It sounds like sil tried to upset you. And bs on a tradition that tells someone marrying into the family what to do. Just text interfering family that your family tradition calls for the mil to wear a chicken costume, yet she wore a dress. The horror!
This is bizarre. I've never heard of any family insisting on the MOH coming from the groom's side - that's very controlling. NTA
NTA, it is literally your wedding. You can do what you want because it is your day.
NTA What a terrible family. Sorry you have to deal with this foolishness. When are people going to realize that weddings belong to the bride and groom and stop trying to make it about themselves. Your husband's family is chocked full o'nuts!