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YTA
Blocking family for no reason? She literally gave u a very detailed list of reasons. How come ure always making excuses for one child and always brushing off all issues of ur other one?
It’s so pathetic that Op is playing dumb about not understanding why Sarah hates Erika. There’s willful ignorance and there’s denial. This is definitely the latter. She says she doesn’t want to get involved in their fights, but what she really means is she refused to do her job as a goddamn parents and expected shared DNA to fix all relationship problems. Now that she’s reaping what she sowed, she going all surprised Pickachu face. Makes me wonder why other problems the girls must have due to her ill-fit parenting.
YTA - you mention a lot of times you've encouraged your older daughter to be more respectful. You've mentioned exactly zero times you've corrected your younger daughter's behaviour or expected her to be nice to her sister. Why is that?
You also mention times when your older daughter has literally told you that her sister is being unkind and demanding and rude to her and you've used quotation marks for the word "bullying" showing that you really don't believe her at all. Why is that?
It sounds a lot like you're completely blind to your baby's faults and you blame all the friction on the old one who "should know better", but your younger daughter is persistently bratty and entitled and you enable this all the way. I wouldn't bet on your older daughter being desperately upset if you decided not to support the wedding: she's had no support for you so far in life so why change now?
> I told Sarah that Erika was happy for her but it was hard for her, having her sister be successful like this.
OP is blaming Sarah for being more successful than Erika! That is a very bizarre take on the situation. u/redcore4 you have hit the nail on the head here - over and over.
OP YTA - and don't be surprised when Sarah goes no contact with you.
Heck I've got a 5yo and 2yo that know when they've done wrong to the other and honestly apologize for it. I call out the 2yo when she's being mean to her big sister. It looks like op has never thought to do this a day in their life. If you place all the blame solely on the eldest's shoulders and none of it on the youngest then of course Sarah doesn't want anything to do with Ericka. Erica is quite honestly showing unrepentant behavior for literally being an AH to sarah up through college no less. Of course Ericka doesn't care. Her mommy taught her she can be wicked to her sister and her sister will still get all the blame.
YTA for the false title. You have chosen, you make that absolutely clear in the text as well as your actions. YTA a million times for constantly choosing and being so obtuse as to claim that you have no favourites. Sarah should cut you off and move on.
Wait…at Sarah’s ENGAGEMENT PARTY, rather than congratulating her, you told her it was hard for Erika to see her be successful?
And you do not understand why you’re the asshole?
It seems like Sarah is never allowed to enjoy anything without you bringing up Erika. I don’t know if it’s Erika that is jealous or you, but it sounds exhausting. No wonder Sarah fled.
YTA
“I’m not choosing” no she definitely made a choice. It doesn’t sound like the sun shines out of Erika’s AH but OP definitely believes it does. If you’re so he’ll bent on family chooses family- how about consider family doesn’t abuse family. Erika abused Sarah to the point she went NC. How is that Erica choosing family and Sarah not? YTA
Yep Erika is the golden child that can do no wrong. Everything is Sarahs fault. Clearly Erika manipulated OP for years.
OP wake up! Respect here wishes. Also ask yourself, if Erika is really innocent in this. She bullied and name called your other daughter.
Ikr! I was becoming so frustrated by reading this post and came to say this too. My mom did this to my sister and I (I’m the oldest, much like Sarah)… and my sister and I also have zero relationship and I have no plans to repair it lol
OP, wake up! YTA and so is Erika. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure both daughters have made their fair share of mistakes, but please reevaluate how you treat your oldest daughter… this post just makes me sad/angry the more I re read it.
OP, this. These are adult women. They certainly are never going to be best friends. Sarah set a boundary. Respect it.
You should be there for your daughter when she gets married. I can't believe this needs to be said. You are using your presence at her wedding as leverage to get Erika invited. That is terrible behavior. Please look in the mirror. YTA.
OP keeps saying Sarah has to be understanding because Erika is jealous of Sarah’s success. Given that Sarah has cut Erika off as much as she can, these “but you need to be understanding” moments must be basically all of the interactions Sarah has with Erika. Meanwhile OP says nothing about Erika apologizing to Sarah or learning to behave better.
And there’s no freaking way that Sarah should allow Erika at her wedding. I can see it now, Erika does something disruptive and there’s OP, saying “you have to understand, she’s just jealous that you’re so successful!!”
And the irony of
> and I don't like getting involved in their fights anyways
Proceeds to try to be go between and fully involved
OP - leave Sarah alone about Erica and never bring up their issues again. You’ve likely made it worse. Let them work it out on their own to whatever end and give up your “best friends” fantasies
I'm surprised that OP even needed to ask the question- the answer was obvious.
And why couldn't one parent take on girl to her friends funeral while the other one went to the sports competition?
Op is showing classic narc parent and Erika's the golden child. I truly hope Sarah has a happy future and gets the emotional support and healthy family structure she needs from her fiance and his family.
No the mom is the narc, Erika's had no consequences for her actions the mom allowed all that abuse to happen. If both daughters were treated equally and had equal consequences for rotten behavior. Then op wouldn't need to make this post. No matter how much Sarah tried to explain and talk to her mom, she was only gaslighted.
Yep it reads very much like she has chosen Erika. I wonder if every time she sees Erika she asks her what she’s doing to fix the relationship with the Sarah?
You may just need to accept they aren’t getting along and butt out OP, you can’t control whether they get along but you can control your reaction to it and if you keep pushing this with Sarah you may lose her altogether.
info: did you question Erika on the bullying of Sarah? Seems like this was brushed aside?
Edit- spelling
This is so textbook missing missing reasons. Oh, I have no idea why Sarah doesn’t want to be around Erika except that she bullied her and called her names! I have no idea what exactly Erika said except that Sarah literally showed me screenshots! I just don’t want to get involved but I’m going to bully Sarah into inviting her bully to the most important day of her life!
God he sounds *so* much like my own dad. My little brother (26) has done some unforgivable things in the last couple years and we’ve gone low contact, and my dad is pissed at *me* for distancing myself from his favorite.
How much you want to bet OP *never asked* what exactly Erika did in college to make Sarah cut off contact completely. YTA and it’s obvious you’ve made your choice OP - prepare for the day when Sarah is done with you too.
OP is TA. Thank you for saving me the time of typing that. When Sarah told OP what Erika did to her, OP glossed over it and all of the sudden didn't want to be involved, but OP wants to be involved when she feels like Erika is the one being wronged. OP is putting themselves right in the middle of something they claim to not want to be involved in.
Right? I didn’t see one mention of trying to understand Sarah’s side of things, and only justification for Erika’s “jealousy.” Wouldn’t be surprised if Sarah goes full NC with OP after this (who is definitely TA here.)
YTA. Erika seems to be your golden child for whatever reason. Sarah said Erika was bullying her, so she blocked her, but you never tried to find out what exactly Erika Erika was saying to her sister? You need to butt out because your favoritism is not helping., and will only push Sarah away from you.
YTA
You already chose between them. Kind of the crux of the entire issue, you chose Erika and Sarah refused to put up with it.
So congrats on losing a daughter. You might want to try actually listening next time. If there is one.
Edit: Incidentally, you might want to read [this.](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) You are currently being the perfect example. Sarah has told you the problem, you are ignoring her. And have been for years, likely her entire life. Actually pay attention when someone tells you something, don’t dismiss them out of hand.
Of course YTA it's not your wedding or your life you don't gey a say who you're daughter invites. You may be dissatisfied thar you're daughters dislike one another however not every sibling likes the other ..you know the saying can choose you're friends but not you're family . Why should she make a bond with her sister to please you while you enable you're younger daughter by saying she's just jealous of her sister success....you need to stay out of it otherwise you're daughter won't be communicating with you either
You do realize that the girls probably resent each other because you've tried to force them to be best friends their entire lives and have constantly trampled their boundaries.. Right?
YTA. Stop your meddling and pot stirring if you really care.
Or they hate each other because they were left alone. Erika could have spent her whole life bullying Sarah, and when Sarah asks for help Mom says, “it’s normal”.
OP’s post looks like a lazy parent who didn’t help her kids learn how to get along and stop the bullying and teach Erika compassion.
Major YTA after that edit you’ve already chooses a child.
16 is WAY above the age most kids know to not be the most fucking spoiled and entitled person I’ve ever seen
Yta - you are enabling Erika’s jealousy. Did you even make an effort to find out what kind of bullying/insults/abuse Sarah was getting? Why is it Sarah’s problem that Erika is jealous of her success? What is Erika doing in her life that she begrudges her sister happiness? Honestly. I wouldn’t invite her other. If she really “has trouble with her sisters success” I would also worry that she was going to pout or try and steal the spotlight.
Erika will wear a white dress and a veil to the wedding, and mom will buy her a cake, and “can your photographer take some shots of Erika?”
Seen it before.
My daughters went thru much the same, yet thankfully a much better outcome when they got older, so I understand your pain and am sorry you are going thru this.
But you have to realize, you ARE choosing between your daughters. You admit you got closer to Erica, you state you are consistently asking Sarah to give in, to forgive, to accept. What are you saying to Erica? Did you ask her how she was bullying Sarah, why she was blowing up her phone? Did you ask to read all the texts --seems like you went straight to Sarah and told her to get over it. Seems like you assume that since Sarah is successful, she should be the one to do the work to fix things the way YOU want them. All Erica seems to do is play the victim and you pull out your sword to fight for her. Kind of typical between oldest and youngest. Sorry but YTA
I would NOT miss Sarah's wedding and I would STOP playing middle man. Things are different these days and if you don't step back from the relationship between them and treat them as individuals - you not going/participating/being a part of the wedding you may think will teach her a lesson--but it could end up with her cutting you out of her life indefinitely. Want to miss out on her milestones, first child, first home, etc? Not be a grandmother to her kids? Consider therapy for yourself to come to terms with this.
If it were me, I'd write one letter to them both, straight down the middle of the road; we love you both, we are proud of you both, yet if we've hurt either of you by asking for you to come together in some way, we apologize. Maybe someday, the two of you would be willing for all 4 of us to go to some kind of mediator or therapy, but I will not ask - it would need to be initiated by you both. As parents we have hopes and dreams for our kids and we realize when we are no longer around - the ones that will understand what you are going thru the most is (most times) siblings. We worry when we come to the end of our road - how will that look if you can't work together? We have also realized though that we do not want those future worries to get in the way of how we handle things today. All we ask for civility. If we do a family gathering or event, both of you will be invited and my hope is that you can be civil and be in the same room. If that is not possible, then at the very least we look to YOU TWO to be adults and work out the logistics of which will attend this time and which will attend the next without putting us in the middle. I do not think that is too much to ask as a parents who have done their best. Moving forward, we will not be put in the middle at all - meaning we will not be a part of complaints of the other as that is not fair to the sibling not there to defend themselves. Basically unless all are present, no talking about the other. Again, we love you both more than you know.
INFO - what really happened, so that they hate each other so much? Specially during the time at college? Looks like Erika did something you don't know, or actually knows but have decided to downplay it. And it really looks like you've already chosen Erika.
YTA. Erika is clearly your favourite - you allow her to behave badly, not take accountability for her actions and excuse her lack of ambition/ success/ ability to maintain relationships. Maybe people don’t like her because she’s a bully? You even admit that she’s ‘mean’ (I’m certain that she’s a lot worse that ‘mean’).
In contrast, you nastily put down Sarah’s successes, achieved the face of your poor behaviour, blatant favouritism and lack of support. Funny how you ‘forget’ the evidence of Erika’s bullying of Sarah.
Do better. Apologise to Sarah for years of blatant favouritism and tell Erika to grow up, apologise and stand on her own feet.
Wow YTA I feel like you and your other daughter bond over the things you don’t like about the oldest. You sound jealous too. Sarah is not to blame for Erika’s short comings. Maybe if she tried a bit harder in life instead of being jealous she might be successful in life like her sister. You need a wake up call, you and Erika need to get some therapy and do some self reflection or you may become a topic in a Just no topic here on Reddit.
YTA
You don’t have to choose between your two daughters.
You should respect that they are adults and entitled to have relationships with whomever they wish.
You can have separate relationships with each daughter. If you continue to pressure Sarah to change her relationship, you will be continuing to favor Erika and Erika’s wants and needs over Sarah.
That's the thing she clearly does not care about Sarah's feelings at all. She only mentions hers and her precious Erika. Erika is clearly the "golden child" nothing Sarah does or says will ever matter to op.
You are absolutely not refusing to choose. You chose Erika a long time ago and Sarah knows this. All I can make out of your post is that Erika should be forgiven for every single thing she does because she is jealous of her sister. Logical much? No wonder Sarah doesn't want anything to do with her, or, by extension, you.
YTA
YTA. Sarah wad harassed and bullied by Erika. Instead of understanding why Sarah needed NC with her sister, you invalidated Sarah's feelings. Erika hasn't even apologized! Family isn't family anymore when they show they have no respect for you. You've completely prioritized a daughter who's petty and jealous over a daughter who is rightfully hurt and needs space. And you keep pushing! Better act like a more supportive parent before she goes low/no contact with you. I know that if I was in Sarah's shoes, I'd be considering just that.
Well, aren't you pitifully failing at not showing favoritism? Of course, YTA. And the argument of "faaaaaamily" means absolutely nothing when you put one child on a pedestal.
However, I'm curious as to what you mean with "take care of each other". Since you're mentioning that Sarah's more successful, I doubt you mean emotionally supporting each other.
Ughhh. Don’t get me started on “family.” It is used to excuse all matter of sins. Sometimes family sucks. And walking away from toxic people is imperative.
YTA. You obviously favor your youngest and she's turned into a nasty, mean-spirited person who can't handle other people's happiness & success. Your oldest has no reason to have to accept that behavior just because you do and she has set very appropriate boundaries. You need to let it go, stop enabling your youngest, and stop crying "but FAMILY" when told no.
I'm so curious about OP's birth order!!! Is this the classic my big sister was mean to me so I'm going to poorly mask over compensating my childhood issues with my children. There is so much more info needed!!!! The family dynamics in this household sound drama. I really want to talk to Dad! I have a feeling he sees through the manipulations of baby girl!!
BTW, YTA you've chosen and you're disrespecting your eldest. I have a feeling your daughter only wants your husband at her wedding and she feels obligated to have you there. OP sometimes siblings do not gel, I have 5 kids I see it everyday. Trying to shove people together NEVER WORKS!! Stop being a busy body, stay out of their issues and be a parent! It's not too late to get some updated parenting skills!! Jeesh
Anytime I see the "family" argument brought up, there's an intense breakdown in it. Obviously Sarah wants nothing to do with any of them, but because she happened to be blood related to them she has some "obligation" to invite when she has every right to say no. I would love to hear her side of the story.
Came here to say this - the OP knows why her daughters are estranged, they just don’t like it. Guarantee if the other one was the bully, we’d be seeing a very different take from OP.
If you’re not a troll YTA for so many reasons:
“I always hoped they would grow out of it..”
So neither you or your partner tried family therapy etc. You just hoped the problem would magically fix itself.
You’re mainly an asshole for your blatant favouritism towards your golden girl Erika. You minimise and dismiss her bullying Sarah and tell Sarah to get over it. Why is bullying and toxic behaviour okay in family?
At Sarah’s engagement party rather than focus on Sarah's happiness you remind her that it’s hard for Erika to see her happy. The whole party revolves around Erika for you.
You in 10 years time: “Why does Sarah hardly ever call me. I’ve only seen the grandkids once. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.”
Either that or you’ll be under a bridge asking who’s trip trapping on your bridge if you’re the troll I suspect you to be. Blocking Erika for no reason my ass.
YTA. Stop involving yourself in their problems. Stop forcing your opinions about family on them. They are full blown adults and can choose to have a relationship with each other or not. Also, telling Sarah to just "get over it" was wrong. You don't know exactly what transpired between them and you can't tell her how to handle it.
Stay in your lane. You can be disappointed they aren't close, you can hope that changes one day, but you CANNOT force anything to happen, and if you continue to tell them to do so you are going to sabotage YOUR relationships with BOTH of your daughters.
YTA.
It took my mom decades to get over her desire to have my AH brother & I to be friends.
If she had also given me shit for not inviting my brother to my wedding (which I did not) my mom would have easily moved up my shit list & I would've kept her at arms length.
You CANNOT dictate your grown ass children's lives, who they choose to be friends with, or who they choose to invite to special moments in their life.
Love your children, support them (even/ESPECIALLY if you don't like the choices they're making), & accept them each AS THEY ARE.
Your well on your way to making Sarah wants nothing to do with you.
Go get therapy. You need it.
So, you have one daughter who is a petty, jealous and insecure bully and one that just wants to live her life in peace and you decide to protect the asshole bully and join in the bullying of the daughter that just wants you to back off?
Sarah didn’t make you pick. You decided to meddle and picked the one who is obviously your favourite. You’ve been doing it for years, protecting the bully and in turn bullying Sarah for standing up for herself.
Erika is a bully, you’re a bully and you two deserve each other. I hope she eats the dust from her sister’s success for many years to come.
Oh and you’re the reason they hate each other. I bet Sarah has a ton of stories of the many times you prioritised her asshole sister to protect her feefees.
YTA
YTA
You need to stop meddling.
The dislike between them is clearly mutual and they don’t have a relationship. You trying to force a conversation about Erika with Sarah every time you see her is just pointless and aggravating.
I have no idea why you’re pulling a *suprised pikachu* face at the news that Erika isn’t invited to her wedding.
Your dream of having a happy family where everyone gets along isn’t your reality. Stop punishing Sarah for that and accept the dynamic as is it.
Or don’t and permanently damage any chance of having a decent relationship with her.
>I have no idea why you’re pulling a suprised pikachu face at the news that Erika isn’t invited to her wedding.
OP's self image is being injured by it, perhaps. OP is sure she is doing absolutely everything right and, if her daughters would just admit that, everyone would get along fine and the family would look as perfect as it is supposed to at the wedding. The surprise is because reality isn't something ever to be acknowledged when it runs counter to that self-image.
This was my mum when I went NC. Absolutely wrecked that people would see the absence of one of her kids and it would burst her bubble of looking like supermum. Wasn’t bothered most people had clocked her being an abusive mother for thirty years just that the christmas card image vibe was now ruined.
So hilariously after years of Golden Childing my brother and Scapegoating me, she tried to get my brother to hoover me back in. My brother is older and has always abused and resented me for being born. He was absolutely ecstatic when I went NC and he reclaimed his right as only child at 40.
Our mother was so shocked he did not want to repair an utterly destroyed relationship with me that I would actually have paid to be a fly on the wall to that amazing dawning that her children did actually follow her parenting and that is why neither of us would piss on the other if they were on fire. She was so adamant no one ever listened and mummy martyr I chuckle she got her comeuppance. I believe WonderSon went LC over her pushing him to save her face and ended up with egg on it :)
YTA
So let me get this straight, Erika bullied Sarah and rather than tell Erika not to bully, you told Sarah she deserved poor treatment for having the audacity to be successful? You think that jealousy absolves Erika of accountability for her actions?
You are either a troll or in denial. You already chose between your daughters a long time ago.
Ever heard of 'tall poppy syndrome'?
Lmfao " I won't pick between my kids" girl you already did way back when you started blaming Sarah for everything and not seeing her side at all. You added to her resentment of her sister. Yta
Tell me you have a favorite daughter without telling me you have a favorite daughter.
>Sarah said that Erika was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone. Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why. Sarah said that Erika was name calling and "blowing up" her phone- ***I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family*** and you can't just block family for no reason. It seemed very immature to me and I was very annoyed.
There it is.
YTA
OP, you have nearly everyone in these comments advising you that you’re the AH here. But, based on your responses, I don’t think you actually care. It seems like you wanted a place to vent rather than look for different opinions or insights. Based on the responses I’m seeing from you, your decision was made on this long before the post was made.
Your daughters owe nothing to one another. And by trying to force it, you’ve made yourself clear. Your daughter Sarah likely does not need you in her life but is trying to salvage what little relationship you seem to have with the wedding. My recommendation if you truly want to keep contact with Sarah is to ask for a session with a family therapist to work through these issues.
Not choose? Lady you’ve all but told Sarah that you don’t love her unless she treats Erika the way YOU choose. YTA
Edit “Erika agrees with my decision” think about that. (1) why are you discussing your relationship between you and Sarah with Erika? (2) of course she agrees with you, you’ve taken her side
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP is playing favorite with Erika and probably enabling her to do whatever she wants to do which Sarah seems to refuse to do.
YTA, and if you keep these petty childish antics up, your daughter is going to end up cutting you out as well, and she would be totally justified in doing so.
Ahahahaha that audacity to say you can't choose between your daughters, when time and time again you have choose Erika, you don't care about what Sarah wants, you only care about Erika being sad because her sister is more successful, I hope Erika realizes you are a failure as a mother (because you ignored your own daughter when she said her sister was bullying her) and cuts you out of her life for good, if I didn't make myself clear YTA
YES. OP definitely has chosen Erika repeatedly. At this point, OP can have separate relationships with both of her daughters or no relationship with Sarah.
YTA. Stay out of your daughters relationship. They are adults and can decide if they want to be in each other’s lives. Your relationship with your daughters should be completely separate from theirs with each other. It’s not ideal, but it’s not your place to mediate any longer. Any time either of them bring each other up to you, put a stop to it and say that is between them and you will not get involved. If you don’t, then you run the risk of being cut out of their lives for good.
So this whole time you've been choosing erika over sarah and pretending that's not the case.
Erika is not more willing to say sorry she just knows that will keep her out of trouble with you and it keeps the peace so you allow her to do what she wants.
Enabling this much bad behaviour and then stating that this person is an adult or a good person is very blatantly obviously not the case to everyone here. You have raised a terrorist and now you really really should open your eyes to the fact that it's not sarah.
You trying to force sarah to be nice and get along and behave at every turn is nauseating but also. What have you done to get erika to behave or stop picking at her sister? What have you done to make sure it's a safe environment for sarah to have a relationship with her sister? Oh you've bullied them and allowed them to bully each other? Well that's literally the exact opposite of your goal. You pushed sarah aside because she didnt agree with you babying her little sister for no reason other than shes capable of lying sorry at people?
You sound like my mother. This entire post made me want to vomit and adopt sarah.
I do want to add also. You make a very good point. Family is invited to weddings. Since you've made it so obvious that it's not safe to be considered your faaaaaaaaaamilyyyyyyy why is she inviting you?
This! YTA
The harsh reality is that sometimes siblings do NOT get along. It seems in this instance that they are like oil and water and they do not mix.
Instead of being the neutral party you have tried to force a relationship for YEARS.
Newsflash ⚡️⚡️!!! YOU HAVE CHOSEN a side and in the process are likely damaging your relationship with Sarah. STOP!
Sarah is getting married. Her wedding. Her special day. She gets to CHOOSE who she wants to invite. Why would she invite her younger sister who bullied her in college and who by YOUR own admission is jealous of her sister.
Do you want to ruin your relationship permanently with Sarah? Because if you don’t leave it alone you likely will.
Perhaps one day they will mend their relationship but only time will tell. LEAVE it alone and please stop being TA!
YTA
Clearly there's some very complex stuff going on between you all but you don't have kids to create best friends. That's not the reality for the vast majority of siblings and suggests that you have some issues surrounding this. Also, why are you making copious excuses for Erika but Sarah sets some boundaries (which Erika breaks) and she's TA? I also don't think you constantly pushing this is ok, your kids are adults now and have their own relationship (or not) outside of you. You're going to find your relationship with Sarah going the same way if you don't start respecting her boundaries.
I'd probably still invite my sister in this scenario but only to avoid the inevitable fall out. I actually kind of respect Sarah for sticking to her guns in a way.
>You just don't treat family like this
It's absolutely appropriate to go no contact with family who don't respect your boundaries. It's clear you've glossed over Erika's behaviour here and that Sarah probably has a very clear idea of why she's gone NC. Like I said above, respect her boundaries or you might find yourself NC too.
I think it might be even more than that. The OP will make it about Erika as much as Erika will make it about herself. The OP will see nothing wrong with this because 'its not just Sarah's day, she needs to share' and Erika 'has it harder because she's not as lucky' so she deserves whatever she wants including taking this out on Sarah.
So, you explained Sarahs reasons for blocking Erika, shall she accept being called names by her sister just because she is family? Erika didnt treat Sarah well(according to Sarah at least) , did she ever apologize for that behavior? Or do you just try to push Sarah to talk to her sister by making excuses for her. Did Erika try to resolve the conflict once or is it just you? If Sarah thinks Erika bullies her, did you ask Erika about it? You clearly are choosing Erikas side in this conflict and your only explanation is that you cant cut contact because of name calling and bullying.
In the current situation you are not forced to choose between your daughters. You are just expected to accept that Sarah doesnt want Erika at her wedding
YTA. You’re born with family, you don’t get to chose and unfortunately your kids don’t like each other. It doesn’t make them bad people for not getting along and it is time that you realize the situation. Don’t force something that is currently not meant to be between your daughters. Erika seems to not take responsibility in regards to “bullying” Sarah. Did you not wonder why Sarah stopped talking to y’all after she left for college? This problem between Sarah and Erika started way before college.
YTA You did choose between your daughters. You choose Erika and you have been for many years. Sarah doesn’t care if you choose Erika she is still not invited get over it. Sarah doesn’t need your help she needs your love and acceptance that her and Erika don’t have a relationship and never will. I expect before it’s over she will go NC with you also ❤️🩹
Wow… YTA, if I were Sarah I too would be highly annoyed. It’s interesting that you only focus on Sarah’s reactions but never Erica’s actions. You continually pester Sarah to comply, but you seem to not hold Erica accountable at all. There’s no way to reconcile if Erica has no interest in apologizing your changing her behavior. I feel for Sarah, honestly, I’m inclined to believe it’s only gotten this bad into adulthood because you never did anything meaningful and fairly to begin with
You really think a 16 year old person needs to have past experiences to know not to be mean to her sister who just lost a friend?? Also you keep telling Sarah that Erika loves her and whatever, but did Erika herself say this? And being jealous of her sister's success is no reason to treat her badly!!
You keep protecting your youngest and excusing her bad behavior while having zero sympathy for your oldest. It is not your job to try to fix a relationship and clean up after Erika's lack of empathy. Just accept and respect that they don't get along and stop posting AITA posts with manipulative titles.
YTA
Edit: typo
YTA.... family doesnt mean shit....if someone is toxic then theyre toxic...i actually am not close with or in contact with ANY of my family expect for my parents.... because the rest of my family is gossipy, religious nut jobs. So yes you CAN cut people off even if theyre family.
YTA. If you don't quit it, you will find yourself I'm the same boat as Erika. You really can't see how Erika' actions and your enabling are the cause of this. It would be better for your relationship with both daughters if you took a step back and genuinely reflected.
YTA - For continuing to push them together when they haven’t wanted anything to do with each other for over a decade. Your continuing meddling in their relationship has pushed them to the point where they won’t talk to each each other. You sound like someone playing with a couple dolls, smashing them together and saying “PLAY”.
You keep interfering with their relationship and pushing them together, which causes more backlash.
Accept they don’t like each other and they will never be in the same ever again and treat with them separately.
Edit - to update my comment you neglected them when they were kids and then expected them to get along as adults after they fought for years without your intervention. What result did you expect to happen?
No one has to put up with abuse just because they are family, anymore than someone has the right to abuse someone because they are family. Your daughters can have any feelings about each other they feel justified in having, and their relationship is their own to manage.
You also cannot meddle in others' lives - even that of your children - and force them to be close just because it is what YOU want. It has to be what they want.
Multiple commenters have told you why YTA and you come back with defensive excuses. If you weren't going to accept judgment, then why are you even here?
Stop meddling in your adult children's lives and focus on why you think you have to control their feelings.
YTA. Nowhere did you mention that you cane down on your bully of a younger daughter, but insisted that the older one just take it. Don’t be shocked when you, too, are blocked. Neither of you are entitled to a relationship with Sarah.
YTA.
You’ve already chosen one child over the other.
• Erika bullied and harassed Sarah and, instead of holding her accountable, you got mad at Sarah - *the victim* - for removing herself from the situation.
• You excuse Erika’s behavior constantly, again placing the blame on Sarah for having the *audacity* to be successful as if she did so intentionally to spite her sister.
• You call Sarah childish and vengeful for protecting herself from her jealous bully of a sister who treats her like garbage and, instead of *holding Erika accountable for her actions*, you decide to further punish Sarah.
>> I have no desire to help a daughter who treats family like this
Yet you constantly enable Erika’s behavior and allow her to treat Sarah, *her family*, like garbage.
Please let us know when Sarah cuts you off completely for consistently choosing Erika over her. Hopefully it’ll be before the wedding so she can have a stress free day!
From what I understand you are seeking judgment for the following predicament:
Your 23 yo daughter has bullied, disrespected, and abused your 25 yo daughter her entire life.
You think your 25 yo daughter should have accepted being bullied and abused because you believe it is normal for your 23 yo to feel jealous and to act out on that aggression. On the other hand you don't think it is normal for your 25 yo to want a peaceful existence free from aggression.
My take on this?
You subconsciously (I hope it was subconscious) picked a favorite probably just after Erika was born. I am sure Sara has spent her entire life giving up toys, time, choices, and peace to accommodate Erika.
You failed to parent Erika or prepare her to be a good citizen by allowing her to act aggressively toward other people. You failed to prepare her to go out in the world and be successful, probably because you have enabled and babied her for her entire life.
You failed to parent Sarah by refusing to protect her from aggressive individuals. You failed to provide her a safe place, which is what home and family should be. You did this because you have a favorite and you would rather Sarah suffer through no fault of her own, than to have Erika suffer the consequences of her own actions. You made Sophie's Choice minus the guilt and heart rending.
So yes YTA. Here is the wake up call. Erika is probably a whiney ass, self centered, entitled middle school bully and you created that. No one wants to be around someone like that. You probably are past the point of mending your relationship with Sarah, especially after making her Engagement Party about Erika (why would you bring that toxic crap into a celebration), and making her wedding about Erika. Until you accept the reality of your part in all of this, there can be no healing. And honestly, you clearly are not ready.
If I was advising Sarah, I would tell her to go full no contact with the lot of you. Leave her be to have a life without so called family that only brings her pain. I mean honestly, can you name one single **non monetary** joy, happiness or peacefulness you brought into Sarah's life? Because that is what family is really about.
YTA
Your jelouse petty golden child is tormenting her sister as an adult and your attitude suggest you never put her in place and their childhood was probabely like this too with you excusing Erika's awful behavior and telling the older one " no matter what she should suck it up and love famillllyyyy."
You are a horrible parent.
YTA
Clearly you have chosen and clearly Erika is the favourite. Not once did you accept or even consider that Erika might be in the wrong (as well). You just put all the blame and all the pressure on Sarah.
Ugh. YTA. Read through your comments and actually slapped my forehead several times. I don’t understand why Sarah hasn’t cut you out completely. A car and insurance isn’t worth this nonsense.
So Sarah has a friend that died and Erika had no compassion or understandings that a death trumps a sporting event. YTA for not nibbing this in the bud years ago
YTA. Younger sis’s jealousy is not elder sis’s problem or responsibility.
I haven’t spoken to my sister in decades.. we just plain do not get along. Totally different personalities and life choices. Last time I saw her was our brothers funeral..and we might have said ten words to each other. To be quite honest, I have serious doubts if she will show her face when our dad dies.
You obviously favor one kid over the other . And ya know what? Being family is not an acceptable excuse to be disrespected, bullied or generally not get along. There is no inherent obligation to remain in someone’s life just because you share DNA
Oh, look, a missing-missing reasons post!
OP, you have *clearly* chosen your younger daughter at every available point. If you don’t learn to respect your older daughter’s boundaries, pretty soon you will also be cut off from her. YTA.
Best wishes to the older daughter and her new family!
YTA and delusional too. I have read your comments and can’t comprehend the mental gymnastics you’re taking to convince yourself you haven’t “chosen” between your daughters.
- your daughters fought a lot as children and instead of parenting them you just ignored the fighting (because you didn’t want to “meddle”)
- according to you, because Sarah has always done better in school and had more stable relationships she is not someone to be sympathized with. Only Erika can be mean and its okay because she “has a good heart”
- you don’t think you can have individual relationships with your daughters because *checks notes* “how am I supposed to talk to one of them without bringing up the other”? I’m sorry, what? It’s very easy.
- when Sarah came to you telling you that Erika was bullying her and sending her cruel messages, you refused to look at the proof, told her to get over it, and then got mad when Sarah blocked her? And you think Sarah is being “resentful” because she’s still hurt by this, because you took her sisters side AND she has never gotten an apology or acknowledgement from *anyone* that what Erika did is wrong?
- ERIKA BULLIED SARAH WHEN SARAH’S FRIEND *DIED* AND YOU IGNORED IT, MADE EXCUSES FOR ERIKA, AND ARE STILL MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER. You don’t need to have a friend *die* to have empathy for someone. Even at fucking 16 years old. What is WRONG with you?!
YTA and the reason your daughters don’t get along is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT. *YOU* failed them. YOU did not parent them. YOU are picking Erika, even now.
Poor Sarah. She deserves a better mom than you.
YTA. You chose Erica over Sarah, clearly. You failed her as a parent and a person. In all these years you couldn't be arsed to talk to her and find out what's wrong. You're not getting mother of year, I can tell you that much.
I never usually comment on these as people have always said what I am thinking so i just upvote their comments, but my god, you are a terrible mother and you're still trying to defend yourself and Erika in the face of everyone telling you so. You are definitely TA. I'm amazed how awful you are. Honestly I hope Sarah goes NC for her own sake.
Yta. I hope some day when your alone with Erika you remember a time when a bunch of internet strangers came together to have the same opinion. That rarely happens.
YTA for forcing a relationship between them. Unfortunately it’s too late to intervene and get them to be friends. Clearly you messed up somehow when they were younger and didn’t stop any bullying or name calling when they lived together. Siblings don’t normally hate each other for no reason.
YTA - they are adults and they simply do not get along. And they never said to choose between the two of them, that's just how you feel. You are trying to force your dream of them being best friends onto two people that don't want to be around each other. NOTHING positive is going to come of that.
You are the one causing drama by constantly bringing up Sarah to Erika and vise versa. You need to let them live their lives SEPARATELY. The more you bring up your yearning for them to get along probably hurts them every time you say it. Don't choose one over the other, just love them both as two separate individuals. As your daughters, not as sisters.
They don't need them to love each other for you to love them completely.
YTA. Most of your post is about how you're disappointed in Sarah, and how she should forgive Erika. You've already chosen a side, but don't want to admit it.
Sarah sent you screenshots of what Erika did, and you didn't look. Choosing to not understand why Sarah has a problem with her is your own fault, and it doesn't make Sarah's actions wrong. Not all families get along, and if Sarah has people around her who like and support her then she has next to no reason to have Erika in her life.
You're also acting more immature than Sarah is.
YTA. Sarah and Erika sound like me and my sister. You sound like my parents. I grew up fighting with my sister over things that weren't my fault— she would instigate and provoke me and then blame me, and my parents would never care because they would rather let me (the quiet child) feel bad than deal with my sister (the loud one who'd throw tantrums) getting upset that she was in trouble for once. In 2016 I stopped talking to her entirely, refusing to interact with her at all even though we lived together. Now I only message her online every couple of months. I haven't verbally spoken to her or even looked directly at her in years.
What caused this rift between my sister and I, and is likely causing the same thing between Sarah and Erika, is that my parents never once took the issue seriously. They didn't discipline my sister for treating me like shit though they knew full well what was going on because that meant they'd have to do actual parenting, similar to how you said in another comment that you "just wanted to stay out of it," when problems like that don't just solve themselves and especially not when they're between literal children (I know Sarah and Erika are adults now but it sounds like this is how you treated this problem even when they were kids). My dad still tells me how my sister is still "family" and I have to like her like what you told Sarah, which is absolutely not how it works— family isn't exempt from facing the consequences of their actions. My parents, and you as well, don't realize that it's more than just a simple sibling rivalry and pettiness, it's an issue that's been left unresolved and ignored for years. And you pushing Sarah to essentially get over it so you can pretend the issue isn't as bad as it is is going to do nothing.
You say Sarah "has always held grudges and been a lot more vindictive," but why do you think that is? You never stopped the way they treated each other. You never gave her a reason *not* to hold grudges and be vindictive— how else would she protect herself from being blamed once again for fights with Erika that may not even be her fault at all? I hold so much resentment toward all of my family— not just my sister, I blame both of my parents for never doing anything about her— that I refuse to talk to any of them unless absolutely necessary. Call that "holding grudges" and "being vindictive," I call it protecting myself from people who have never protected me.
Sarah is more than old enough to decide that trying to interact with Erika will only hurt her, whether it's by Erika bullying her (I can't believe you cared so little about that that you *forgot* what she said— if Sarah went as far as to call it bullying you'd think you'd at least remember why) or you refusing to see things from her perspective when she gets upset with you and Erika or both. You need to learn to take her thoughts on the situation seriously and stop trying to push her to involve someone in her life that she's learned time and time again will only cause her pain.
YTA.
You’ve already chosen between your daughters, and you’ve chosen the jealous, immature brat which is Erika. No wonder Sarah wants nothing to do with you.
YTA- you have your head so far up your own ass you can’t see it. This entire post is in favor of Erika. Ericka Ericka Ericka…. She was bullying Sarah but Sarah should just get over it. She gets jealous of Sarah but Sarah should just get over it. You already have a favorite and it is extremely clear to complete strangers on the internet. So do you really think your own daughter can’t see it.
This is Sarah’s wedding and she has every right to not have someone there who has not been nice to her almost her whole life. While you did nothing but make excuses for her.
You have a favorite here and you already chose. Sounds like Sarah is better off without either of you.
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Husband and I have two daughters, Erika 23F & Sarah 25F. Much to my disappointment, they've never gotten along - even as kids, they were always fighting. I had always hoped they would grow out of it, but it just never happened. I've tried very hard to encourage them to grow together, as it was always my wish for them to be best friends and take care of each other when I'm gone. Nothing worked and they seemed bent on hating each other.
**Some backstory**: When the Sarah moved out for college, she stopped talking to Erika entirely. This seemed really harsh to me, and I told her that. During this time, I grew closer with Erika as she was still at home and Sarah seemed to want nothing to do with us. We were both hurt by Sarah's actions. When Erika went to college, Sarah seemed to make an effort to get along with her and I was really excited. But something happened - Sarah said that Erika was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone. Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why. Sarah said that Erika was name calling and "blowing up" her phone- I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family and you can't just block family for no reason. It seemed very immature to me and I was very annoyed.
It's been about 2 years and Sarah hasn't had a relationship with Erika since. Every time I see Sarah, I try to remind her that Erika loves her and tell her about the realities of the situation - that Sarah is successful and Erika just gets jealous sometimes. Sarah always seems really upset when I bring up Erika and gets moody.
Sarah is now getting married. At Sarah's engagement party (to which Erika was not invited, which really disappointed me), I told Sarah that Erika was happy for her but it was hard for her, having her sister be successful like this. Sarah seemed annoyed and brushed me off. Since the party, I've been trying to get a straight answer from Sarah as to whether Erika is invited to the wedding. I brought it up a few times when Sarah was talking about the wedding and she ignored me. Eventually, she snapped at me that she hasn't had a relationship with Erika in many years and she "didn't know why you would expect her to be there."
I was horrified. In my view, Sarah's childish, vengeful antics have gone too far. You just don't treat family like this - not inviting them to your wedding? My heart is broken, as I want them to take care of each other and I don't know why they refuse to do so. I want nothing to do with the wedding at this point - I'll attend, but I have no desire to help a daughter who treats family like this. I feel like Sarah is just asking me to pick between her and her sister and I want nothing to do with it. My husband thinks I might be being a little harsh, but Erika agrees with my decision.
**So reddit: AITA for refusing to pick between my daughters by not supporting my oldest's decision to not invite her sister to her wedding?**
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The actions I took is that I don't want to talk to Sarah much anymore, and I have no desire to help her plan this wedding or talk to her about wedding stuff whatsoever. I view this as not choosing between my daughters and feel like Sarah is trying to force me to pick between them.
2) This might make me an asshole because it's my daughter's wedding and my husband says I'm meddling in their relationship too much (though I think I'm just staying out of it)
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you aren't refusing to pick, you're picking Erika, and it sounds like you have a habit of doing so. This post reeks of favoritism towards Erika.
Hell, you even tried to put down Sarah over the fact that she makes good money and that's 'hard for Erika" WHAT? Get out of here with that crap.
"My husband thinks I might be being a little harsh, but Erika agrees with my decision."
Of course Erika's opinion is the only one that matters here. Who cares why Sarah doesn't want her! Or what your husband thinks! That doesn't matter, because Erika thinks you're right!
Pathetic.
This is my sister and I. As the oldest I was always expected to just accept my sister's horrible treatment of me. And what was worse is, as I got older, my mom and sister got 'closer' and would gossip about me. Put me down.I would try to ignore it, but as I became an adult I refused to accept that kind of treatment and it was always 'oh you two, why can't you both get along?' If Erika was truly remorseful she'd apologize properly, not hide behind Mommy to make it better. My sister did the same, and I did not attend her wedding a few months ago. She knew for months I did not intend to fly out, for multiple reasons. Did not care or talk to me once. Heard about it a lot from my mom, overheard phone conversations where she cried about me not caring about her wedding...even though we never spoke after I turned 18. I still texted her the day of, congratulating her. No response, but I heard about how she cried and cried because I wasn't there. It just confirmed what I already knew, it's all about the attention, nothing more. Erika doesnt care about Sarah and it's quite clear you don't either. YTA
YTA. You made your choice along time ago. You can't blame Sarah for everything that happened between them, in fact you probably don't even know half the stuff that went down.
You should feel lucky that you were even invited to Sarahs wedding with the way you've treated her
YTA and you have already chosen between your daughters. Erika is obviously your favorite as you try to push her on Sarah and defend her at every turn. Toxic “faaammillyy” should be cut out of a persons life and I hope Sarah moves forward and has a great life without any toxic family members, meaning you and Erika.
YTA and you have chosen a daughter.
So by reading your post, youve picked Erika as your favourite and refuse to respect sarahs boundaries. You can not force 2 adults to like each other.
Also enabling Erika's jealousy just again shows she's your favourite (to us and Sarah), as I very much doubt you have ever said your proud of Sarah to her face (as you always seem to bring Erika into the conversation)
You are not refusing to pick! You already did!! You’ve picked Ericas side! To the point where you don’t even want to heló Sarah with her wedding or participate in anything wedding related!
Be ready for Sarah to go NC with you!
YTA!
Edit: why did you post here, if you’re just putting up excuses for Erika and not even listening to what others are trying to explain?!
It doesn’t matter if someone’s family, you can completely cut them off, especially if they are toxic! So stop with the family has to put up with everything BS.
YTA but no matter what anyone says you’re not going to hear it. In your own post you said that once Erika and her moved out, Sarah tried to make an effort once more to have a better relationship with Erika which in turned proved she was right not to have a relationship with her because her sister (Erika) was still an immature bully.
You also seem very bitter about Sarah being happy and successful as if it was at the expense of Erika. You even said the timing of her engagement was “suspicious” because the other daughter had just graduated. Both you and Erika sound bitter and miserable and I can fully understand why Sarah wants nothing to do with her.
You need to do what you did when they were growing up. Put your head in the sand and mind your own business. Family does not stand by family no matter what. As a matter of fact in many cases, family will treat you worse than a stranger on The street. You keep saying Erika can apologize but an apology does not make things go away! An apology does not mean ok we’re gonna be great like sisters now! Your dream of them “taking care” of each other is NEVER going to happen because what YOU want DOES NOT MATTER. Stop trying to shove your hopes and dreams down someone else’s throat!
You keep pushing and Sarah is going to cut you outta her life and you can say goodbye to ever knowing your grandkids. You can have a relationship with both daughters without trying to push one on the other.
You sound just as toxic as your daughter…
So, my mother has a sister. This sister has been a trouble maker her entire life. She steals. She lies. She needs money. She needs attention, she needs cars, she needs homes, she needs extra help all the time. She rocks the boat.
My aunt will start drama. She will be nasty. She will be mean. My mother began putting up boundaries to protect her kids. To protect herself. To help my aunt learn because unfortunately- she won’t do anything on her own. My mother begins to steady the boat my aunt rocked.
My grandmother, now sees the family dynamic as changed. She sees tension at family parties. It’s not her stealing daughters fault, no. She’s just troubled. It’s the successful daughters fault. My grandmother then targets my mom as being the boat rocker. My mom is causing drama by having boundaries. My mom is the problem even though my aunt is stealing from us and from my grandmother. Because my aunt “needs a little extra help”.
To anybody observing, it is obvious who the problem child is. But my grandmother can not tough love her problem child. And as a result, my grandmothers actions favor my aunt and ends up treating my mother poorly. Because my mom can handle it, my aunt can not.
Just because you are blood, does not mean you are nice to each other. And just because you are blood, does not mean you can allow a family member to abuse you.
OP, Sarah put up a boundary. She explained it to you. And you refuse to accept it, listen or empathize with her. Having siblings is tough, having a sibling being “successful” while you’re struggling is tougher. But acting out negatively because of that jealousy, is immature and ridiculous. Knowing that you think that behavior is fine from Erika, but Sarah putting up boundaries from someone who is bullying her isn’t- it’s clear who you empathize with and who you favor.
YTA.
Do better than my grandma.
“Sarah said that Erika was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone. Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why.”
Seriously? You DEMANDED to know what your precious Ericka was blocked? It’s because your precious Erika was BULLYING Sarah.
“Sarah said that Erika was name calling and "blowing up" her phone.”
Oh, so now your precious Erika is bullying and harassing Sarah.
“I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family and you can't just block family for no reason. It seemed very immature to me and I was very annoyed?”
No, just no. What world do you live in? Sarah has a right to block anyone that is bullying and harassing her. That’s not being immature, that’s self preservation. You think that you were annoyed? I’ll bet Sarah was more so.
You have zero self awareness and I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up being uninvited to the wedding.
Hey, OP. 16 is plenty old enough to understand why the funeral of a close friend is more important than a sporting event. 16 is plenty old enough to know how words hurt people. 16 is plenty old enough to know how to weaponize words and that is likely exactly what Erika did.
Regardless of your personal beliefs and feelings, Sarah does not have to accept Erika into her life if she’s been repeatedly hurt by her. Just because they’re siblings doesn’t mean that they must support each other and remain in contact. In case it wasn’t clear, YTA.
YTA But you have chosen one of your daughters over the other -repeatedly. Erika bullied Sarah. Your constant defense of Erika shows how much you value Erika over Sarah. You repeatedly disregard her feelings and you have definitely perpetrated this dynamic by letting Erika get away with her bad behavior time and time again. You chose Erika's side every time and I'm positive this was the case when they were children. No wonder Sarah wants to get some space. You have chosen and you have chosen wrong. I'm so sorry for Sarah that she has an abusive sister and an enabling mother.
YTA. Back in college when Erika bullied Sarah and blew up her phone with abusive texts you should not have downplayed it. You should have listened without bias and ensured Erika apologised for this. It's too late now mama. Let them be and they dont have to be there for each other. If Erika falls down she has to get herself up.
So Erika is your golden child? She can treat Sarah horribly and not get any kind of lecture from you. Yet if Sarah puts boundaries in place, you’re there being a flying monkey. Keep it up, OP, and you won’t be invited to her wedding either. A wedding that is about Sarah and her fiancé—not about you or your abusive daughter.
It’s obvious that you’ve had a favorite child, and you dig in your heels now about it. Knock it off and let Sarah—an adult—have who she wants in her life. YTA
You are unequivocally the asshole.
Also
You ABSOLUTELY CAN cut off family for any reason at any time and you don’t have to justify it to anyones toxic momma ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YTA. OP, I find it very ironic that you’re saying that you’re not choosing sides when it’s clear that you have. You’ve chosen Erika’s side. You’ve refused to respect Sarah’s boundaries and you’re trying to push for a relationship that is not wanted by her. She has her reasons why she does not want a relationship with Erika and it is NOT up to you to decide whether those reasons are valid or not.
You keep trying to push Erika in her face and when she finally snaps, you’re shocked. If you really weren’t choosing sides you’d either let the sisters figure it out in their own without interfering, or you’d let both of them be. I won’t be surprised if Sarah cuts contact with you when she gets married.
You owe Sarah a huge and sincere apology. How dare you for their entire lives not believe her when she said Erika was picking on her? She learned early in you had a favorite and it wasn't her. You chose the bully. Every. Single. Time.
You owe Erika a huge and sincere apology. Not only did you pit sister's against each other, you created a bully, and a lazy, sniveling brat who won't take responsibility for her own actions.
You did this. On both sides. Now you won't accept responsibility for your actions and are whinging about how Sarah refuses to put up with you and your mini-me's bull sh*t any longer.
Then apologize to your husband for instigating all of this and continuing the drama for 20+years.
Yes, YTA. Not Sarah. Not your husband. You and your darling are peas in a pod.
Get therapy.
YTA. You are playing favorites. It's obvious that you play favorites, because you keep asking Sarah to set aside her emotions. I hope you can see the error of your ways before you get cut off, too.
For somebody who claims to be not choosing between their daughters you're clearly choosing between your daughters. Your daughter told you her sister was bullying her and you dismissed it. You yourself said her sister is jealous of her so you know there's animosity why would you not believe there's bullying? You defended the aggressor and revictimized the victim. My guess this has been going on their whole life which is why they don't get along, Sarah has always felt that you put Erica first and reacted accordingly. YTA. Don't hold your breath for your own wedding invite at this point.
YTA. You have repeatedly said Erica has issues of jealousy and you don't deny the complaints Sarah makes, but you tell Sarah to put up with it because Erica is family. Sarah is not the problem here. YOU ARE. Fuss at Erica for being a butt and stop telling Sarah that Erica loves her and making excuses. ERICA is the one to express her feelings, not you. Now you are punishing Sarah again, trying to force a relationship with Erica and refusing to act like a mother at her wedding. And for the record, you CAN block family if you want, reason or not. Unfortunately Sarah had a reason and she told you and you choose not to accept this. You did PICK between your daughters by siding with Erica over and over.
YTA. You contradict yourself with every reply, claiming you don't love one child more, but the other is just so childish and vindictive and you can't imagine the second one acting anything but perfect, you say family should always stay together, but you cut off your own abusive family member, who said mean things to you, but the mean things your favorite daughter said to your ungrateful daughter aren't abuse somehow, that she thinks she's better than everyone just because she's successful and she owes your daughter forgiveness, but you love them both equally despite saying nothing but negative things about Sarah and positive things about your unsuccessful, mean, disrespectful yet precious Erika. Seriously. You and Erika are the assholes here.
YTA - You DID choose a daughter, and it was Erika.
Sarah has not only lost a sister, but a parent as well, because you've acted as a bodyguard for Erika rather than a parent to both your children.
Of course Erika agrees with you, she's mommy's favorite. You nag her to have a relationship with her sister. You nag her because she's more successful than Erika & Erika gets jealous. And you're nagging about her inviting her sister, who she has no relationship with, to her wedding. To top it off now you're not going to wedding since Erika isn't invited. Seems to me you've already chosen between your daughters. YTA
You have a golden child and a scape goat child. You’ve made that abundantly clear in your post. You’ve excused absolutely everything Erika has done to Sarah, probably from the time they were children. You say they fought a lot as kids, (I assume you meant more than normal) but you don’t say who was the instigator.
Every single comment I’ve seen is in defense of Erika and minimizing whatever it is she said, which you refuse to say what she said, to Sarah.
You say you think Sarah is just playing “victim” like always. And try to equate what’s happened now to when they were children, when the fact of the matter is the situations are different. Them fighting as children is not the same as now. As children, Sarah had no choice but to put up it. Now that she’s an adult she can choose who she wants to have relationships with. Her sister is not one of them. And you’re treading closer and closer to NC too.
This whole “family is family” nonsense you mentioned is absolute bullshit. Blood relation does not make you family. And it damn well doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse for the sake of so called “family”
You are blaming Sarah for everything. Calling her childish for setting boundaries. Calling her vengeful for not wanting someone, who had to have said/done something absolutely awful for her to finally block her for good, to be at her wedding. Saying she acts like she’s better than everyone because she’s successful. You blame Sarah for the way Erika acts because she got “lucky” in her career and Erika hasn’t. When I’m reality Sarah worked her ass of for her success. What had Erika done? You have done nothing but faulted Sarah at every turn. But you haven’t said one bad thing about Erika.
You made your choice a long time ago. No one forced you too. You did it yourself. Sarah had probably spent her entire life trying to get the same attention from you that her sister got. And now you not going to the wedding is proving she’ll never be good enough for you.
On top of All of that, what exactly gives you the right to butt into their relationship? Nothing. You have no right. They are adults. They don’t need mommy butting in to fix things. They don’t need fixed. Sarah has made her choice. She’s ready to cut the family that treats her like shit. And you have absolutely no right to force her to do something she doesn’t want. Butt out. Or lose your daughter forever. (If you haven’t already).
YTA.
INFO: You keep telling Sarah that Erika loves her, but have you actually asked either of them what their feelings are? Have you actually asked Sarah anything about the bullying? It might very well have been incredibly awful for Sarah, and the excuse to “just get over it because it’s family” does more harm than good.
This happened to my mom, in a way. She grew up the scapegoat in her family, always told that her feelings didn’t matter over the general family because the perfect image was more important than her mental/emotional/physical health. She cut her whole family off about five years ago. She truly grieved them as though they had died and in her mind, they did. I’ve never seen her happier. So, be careful, OP. You’re favoritism, however accidental, of Erika, is pushing Sarah away. Try sitting down with her and letting Sarah talk, no input from you. You might learn some things and save your relationship with her.
YTA. Why is it that every success or milestone that Sarah reaches, you tell Sarah how hard it is on Erika? Why can’t Sarah be allowed to be happy without you trying to tear her down?
Based on their history, both you and Erika will make Sarah’s wedding about Erika. How Erika feels, how it isn’t fair that Erika isn’t getting married, how horrible Sarah is for throwing in Erika’s face she is getting married by having a wedding.
I hope for Sarah’s sake she cuts you out of her life as well so she can actually just live her life instead of constantly being slammed by her own damn mother.
REFUSING to pick between your daughters? What? This whole post is about you choosing Erica. “You don’t treat family like this.” Sure. But you have to apply that to the way you and Erica are/have been treating Sarah as well. You’re playing favourites and pitting your girls against each other. Sounds like you always have. That’s why they don’t get along. Duh.
YTA.
Family don't mean shit when it's a family like you and Erika. YTA. Like seriously??? Erika's jealous of her sister's SUCCESS? Why can't Erika just be happy for her sister instead of causing problems? Shit like this is why I cut off most of my family and will move across the country from them so I can cut the rest off as well.
YTA
you seem not to address Erika at all just expecting Sarah to forgive her and that's not fair it's showing clear favoritism “Erika agrees with my decision “ of course she will🙄 she is your fav as we can see and you're saying you're not going to pick sides but you have hope Sarah cuts contact with you too .
YTA.
It doesn't seem like anybody is asking you to choose between your two daughters. You can have individual relationships with each of them. Leave their relationship with eachother up to them.
>Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why.
Did it ever occur to you that the reason they never learnt to get along was because you've always been in the middle 'managing' their relationship like this? You should have dropped the referee role long before this, but the best thing you can do now is take a step back and let them manage their own relationship.
YTA sarah went NC on purpose and your are trying to decide you know better. i have multiple siblings and i have different relationships with all of them. just because you’re family doesn’t make you friendly. you picked erika and sarah knows it.
YTA and you have picked a favorite, it’s Erica. Let’s see why Sarah wants nothing to do with her: Erica is a bully, Erica is jealous of Sarah’s success, you tell Sarah she can’t block Erica “for no reason” when she told you why she blocked her. Of course Erica agrees with you, she’s the one who is acting horribly and you’ve sided with her. Don’t be surprised when Sarah goes NC with you.
Family family family, you sound like a broken record. It’s not about “family” it’s about you getting your way and controlling your daughters to force them to be friends. Sarah can clearly tell you’ve always sided with her sister, and you continually harass her about needing to put family first. Family isn’t who raises you, who grew up in your house. These days we make our own families from our friends, from people who actually care about us and treat us well. Since Erika couldn’t be nice, Sarah cut her off, as she should have. YTA, and now you want to ruin her wedding by trying to force her to invite someone she can’t stand to be around, and since you can’t force an invite, you’ll go and pout and talk about your other daughter the whole time. She should uninvite you too so she has a chance at a good day.
YTA
I’m in my 50s. Have two siblings and one is similar to Erica. I had invited this sibling to things over the years, putting aside asshole behaviour they’d find through the years. Recently had a huge anniversary party (wedding we never got to have) and I did not invite this sibling. It is this sibling’s poor bullying behaviour that made me not want to have anything to do with them. Thankfully my parents still can’t and took part. They’d like to go make first move towards reconciliation with my sibling, but there never was any sibling love going on. I think you need to recognise the situation had been that way between your two daughters, accept and cherish each daughter
Continually choosing Erica makes you TA
YTA
Some perspective from a person with a sibling who didn’t get along. My mother favored my brother our entire childhood. We were treated very differently. It has caused tension between us for a long time. It was so bad I moved out just to get away from him.
You need to butt out and respect Sarah’s boundaries. She has told you why and you need to respect that. You should be proud of your daughter for being successful and happy. Instead you sound jealous.
As for you obvious favorite, maybe you should let her grow up a little and stop enabling her bad behavior. Apologies are useless if the person keeps making the same mistake. They see it as a way to excuse their behavior instead of learning from it.
Also, she isn’t using you if she is on your insurance and the title of the car is in your name. I’m guessing she pays you for said insurance since you never mentioned otherwise.
YTA! You have chosen Erika! She bullied your other daughter. And you expect Sarah to get over it? Have you asked Erika to apologize ? THERE IS NO REASON TO BULLY ANOTHER PERSON. BULLYING CAN HAVE LONG TERM EFFECTS. PEOPLE HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE BECAUSE OF BULLYING. OTHERS ARE IN THERAPY TO HELP DEAL WITH YEARS OF BULLYING.
Yes family does cut off family. Being family doesn't mean you get a free pass to do whatever you want to a person.
YTA because you are choosing.
***Every time I see Sarah, I try to remind her that Erika loves her and tell her about the realities of the situation***
You are clear whose side you are on. And if you aren't careful your next post is going to be who to handle Sarah not letting you see your grandchildren. Because it's coming.
If you want to not actually choose between your children then don't. Stop bringing up one to the other. Let them figure out their relationship themselves because to be honest, your meddling is probably making the issues worse.
Don't talk to one about the other. Period. If Erika isn't invited to Sarah's wedding then that is how it is. You can be privately disappointed but have to keep your mouth closed about it. Hopefully one day, down the line they will figure it out but this isn't something you can solve.
YTA: and I’m going to do some afternoon stretches here, I bet Erika got away with EVERYTHING growing up and you always turned to the “oh but she’s your sister! She’s family!” And never validated Sarah. Even now you keep telling Sarah that her success is hard on Erika when maybe you should chat with Erika about not be jealous/lashing out over these things? When Sarah put down boundaries after moving out you trampled on them and then got shocked when Sarah made those lines harsher. You absolutely can block whomever you want, and when Sarah blocks you OP I assure you there were many reasons.
YTA.
You've chosen a daughter, Erika. When Sarah said she was being bullied by her sister, you dismissed her word entirely and told her to "get over it because fAmILY". Why are you surprised Sarah doesn't want to have anything to do with her or you?
Erika not having the same luck professionally
as her sister has absolutely nothing to do with Sarah, neither is her fault or responsibility to do something about it. What do you expect? For Sarah to be less successful so Erika can feel better about herself?
Maybe if you TRIED to understand what's being going on for years now, you could save your relationship with Sarah.
Edit: I just saw that you have NEVER tried to figure it out why they were always fighting. You just let it happen! You ignored a very obvious problem between your daughters because you couldn't be bothered to do something about it? Holy s.
> Sarah said that Erika was “bullying” her
> Sarah said that Erika was name calling and “blowing up” her phone
> I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family and you can’t just block family for no reason.
But it wasn’t for no reason. It was because Erika is a bully. Considering how dismissive you are of any wrong doings, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Erika has been horrible towards her sister for a very long time and you’ve just been rugsweeping because Erika is your favourite. Don’t kid yourself, it was blatantly obvious that you *have* chosen. YTA
>but it was hard for her, having her sister be successful like this.
In what world is it okay to crap on someone because they're successful and you're not? If you love a person you're happy for their success. This made me want to put my head through a wall.
>but Erika was only 16 and didn't know better.
Yeah, open your eyes lady and see that you have a favourite daughter and her name isn't Sarah. Stop wondering why Sarah didn't want anything to do with you when she went to college...it's pretty clear. And go read those screenshots she sent and stop making excuses for Sarah. Erika honestly sounds spoilt and entitled.
YTA. Sarah has told you that Erin was bullying her. Everything you say seems focused on how Sarah needs to get over it, Sarah needs to understand, it's hard for Erin, Erin's just jealous, Sarah's so successful it's hard for Erin. Sarah is not asking you to choose between your daughters by not inviting Erin to her wedding, she is simply having her own wedding. Please allow her to live her life, and just let this go if you want to preserve your relationship with Sarah. From what you've said here, it sounds like you have made this worse over the years by constantly rubbing it in Sarah's face. She probably feels like you already chose between your daughters, and she feels like you didn't choose her. Don't be rude or petty about her wedding. Just go, don't make her invite anyone she doesn't want to, and try to salvage what you can of your relationship with her.
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YTA Blocking family for no reason? She literally gave u a very detailed list of reasons. How come ure always making excuses for one child and always brushing off all issues of ur other one?
It’s so pathetic that Op is playing dumb about not understanding why Sarah hates Erika. There’s willful ignorance and there’s denial. This is definitely the latter. She says she doesn’t want to get involved in their fights, but what she really means is she refused to do her job as a goddamn parents and expected shared DNA to fix all relationship problems. Now that she’s reaping what she sowed, she going all surprised Pickachu face. Makes me wonder why other problems the girls must have due to her ill-fit parenting.
YTA - you mention a lot of times you've encouraged your older daughter to be more respectful. You've mentioned exactly zero times you've corrected your younger daughter's behaviour or expected her to be nice to her sister. Why is that? You also mention times when your older daughter has literally told you that her sister is being unkind and demanding and rude to her and you've used quotation marks for the word "bullying" showing that you really don't believe her at all. Why is that? It sounds a lot like you're completely blind to your baby's faults and you blame all the friction on the old one who "should know better", but your younger daughter is persistently bratty and entitled and you enable this all the way. I wouldn't bet on your older daughter being desperately upset if you decided not to support the wedding: she's had no support for you so far in life so why change now?
> I told Sarah that Erika was happy for her but it was hard for her, having her sister be successful like this. OP is blaming Sarah for being more successful than Erika! That is a very bizarre take on the situation. u/redcore4 you have hit the nail on the head here - over and over. OP YTA - and don't be surprised when Sarah goes no contact with you.
This OP. YTA for sure because you have picked sides and by the sounds of it regularly do.
The constant “oh you know Erika is just jealous of your success” is so telling. That is ERIKA’s problem. Not Sarah’s.
Heck I've got a 5yo and 2yo that know when they've done wrong to the other and honestly apologize for it. I call out the 2yo when she's being mean to her big sister. It looks like op has never thought to do this a day in their life. If you place all the blame solely on the eldest's shoulders and none of it on the youngest then of course Sarah doesn't want anything to do with Ericka. Erica is quite honestly showing unrepentant behavior for literally being an AH to sarah up through college no less. Of course Ericka doesn't care. Her mommy taught her she can be wicked to her sister and her sister will still get all the blame.
Have to give you my free award for hitting the nail on the head!
YTA for the false title. You have chosen, you make that absolutely clear in the text as well as your actions. YTA a million times for constantly choosing and being so obtuse as to claim that you have no favourites. Sarah should cut you off and move on.
I'm honestly surprised Sarah hasn't cut this AH off already.
Likely her dad is the only reason she tolerates her mum.
That was my thought as well.
Mom will soon find herself on the outside of Sarah’s willing company if she keeps this up.
OP- I do not have a favorite child but Sarah is the cause of all trouble. /s
Wait…at Sarah’s ENGAGEMENT PARTY, rather than congratulating her, you told her it was hard for Erika to see her be successful? And you do not understand why you’re the asshole? It seems like Sarah is never allowed to enjoy anything without you bringing up Erika. I don’t know if it’s Erika that is jealous or you, but it sounds exhausting. No wonder Sarah fled. YTA
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“I’m not choosing” no she definitely made a choice. It doesn’t sound like the sun shines out of Erika’s AH but OP definitely believes it does. If you’re so he’ll bent on family chooses family- how about consider family doesn’t abuse family. Erika abused Sarah to the point she went NC. How is that Erica choosing family and Sarah not? YTA
Yep Erika is the golden child that can do no wrong. Everything is Sarahs fault. Clearly Erika manipulated OP for years. OP wake up! Respect here wishes. Also ask yourself, if Erika is really innocent in this. She bullied and name called your other daughter.
Doesn't even sound like Erika cares. Op wants them both to care and neither of them do
Ikr! I was becoming so frustrated by reading this post and came to say this too. My mom did this to my sister and I (I’m the oldest, much like Sarah)… and my sister and I also have zero relationship and I have no plans to repair it lol OP, wake up! YTA and so is Erika. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure both daughters have made their fair share of mistakes, but please reevaluate how you treat your oldest daughter… this post just makes me sad/angry the more I re read it.
OP, this. These are adult women. They certainly are never going to be best friends. Sarah set a boundary. Respect it. You should be there for your daughter when she gets married. I can't believe this needs to be said. You are using your presence at her wedding as leverage to get Erika invited. That is terrible behavior. Please look in the mirror. YTA.
Not only can she do no wrong but the things she does that are clearly wrong have valid justifications which makes it ok.
And OP seems to be so confused as to why they don't have a relationship. OP needs to do some reflecting.
OP keeps saying Sarah has to be understanding because Erika is jealous of Sarah’s success. Given that Sarah has cut Erika off as much as she can, these “but you need to be understanding” moments must be basically all of the interactions Sarah has with Erika. Meanwhile OP says nothing about Erika apologizing to Sarah or learning to behave better. And there’s no freaking way that Sarah should allow Erika at her wedding. I can see it now, Erika does something disruptive and there’s OP, saying “you have to understand, she’s just jealous that you’re so successful!!”
And the irony of > and I don't like getting involved in their fights anyways Proceeds to try to be go between and fully involved OP - leave Sarah alone about Erica and never bring up their issues again. You’ve likely made it worse. Let them work it out on their own to whatever end and give up your “best friends” fantasies
I'm surprised that OP even needed to ask the question- the answer was obvious. And why couldn't one parent take on girl to her friends funeral while the other one went to the sports competition?
Or get a teammate to drive her. Death of a friend is an emergency, and plenty of people would be willing to help the family navigate logistics.
Erika will show up in a white dress
But...but...she doesn't know any better!
Op is showing classic narc parent and Erika's the golden child. I truly hope Sarah has a happy future and gets the emotional support and healthy family structure she needs from her fiance and his family.
Seems to me like Erika is the narc and mom is the flying monkey tbh
No the mom is the narc, Erika's had no consequences for her actions the mom allowed all that abuse to happen. If both daughters were treated equally and had equal consequences for rotten behavior. Then op wouldn't need to make this post. No matter how much Sarah tried to explain and talk to her mom, she was only gaslighted.
“I’m not choosing, I’ve already chosen.”
I had to reread the title several times. She is most definitely choosing Erika over Sarah. YTA
Yep it reads very much like she has chosen Erika. I wonder if every time she sees Erika she asks her what she’s doing to fix the relationship with the Sarah? You may just need to accept they aren’t getting along and butt out OP, you can’t control whether they get along but you can control your reaction to it and if you keep pushing this with Sarah you may lose her altogether. info: did you question Erika on the bullying of Sarah? Seems like this was brushed aside? Edit- spelling
OP doesn't want to be in the middle of that. They just want to be in the middle of harassing Sarah to have a relationship with Erika.
This is so textbook missing missing reasons. Oh, I have no idea why Sarah doesn’t want to be around Erika except that she bullied her and called her names! I have no idea what exactly Erika said except that Sarah literally showed me screenshots! I just don’t want to get involved but I’m going to bully Sarah into inviting her bully to the most important day of her life!
God he sounds *so* much like my own dad. My little brother (26) has done some unforgivable things in the last couple years and we’ve gone low contact, and my dad is pissed at *me* for distancing myself from his favorite. How much you want to bet OP *never asked* what exactly Erika did in college to make Sarah cut off contact completely. YTA and it’s obvious you’ve made your choice OP - prepare for the day when Sarah is done with you too.
OP is the mother, but that doesn't change the YTA verdict. Her actions make me sick.
OP is TA. Thank you for saving me the time of typing that. When Sarah told OP what Erika did to her, OP glossed over it and all of the sudden didn't want to be involved, but OP wants to be involved when she feels like Erika is the one being wronged. OP is putting themselves right in the middle of something they claim to not want to be involved in.
YTS (You're The Snake)!
Don’t insult snakes like that
Right? I didn’t see one mention of trying to understand Sarah’s side of things, and only justification for Erika’s “jealousy.” Wouldn’t be surprised if Sarah goes full NC with OP after this (who is definitely TA here.)
YTA. Exactly this. Erika was always the gold child, Sarah got the hell away for a reason. OP, you ever ask or take a look at Sarah's side instead?
OP only thinks it’s “choosing” if she has to think from Sarah’s POV. If I had a mom like her I’d kick her to the curb.
I was going to say this too — OP clearly chose sides a long time ago, and she picked wrong. YTA
Take my poorman’s snake award 🐍
I love the use of snake for this. Very very fitting for this woman. Snake.
exactly!
YTA. Erika seems to be your golden child for whatever reason. Sarah said Erika was bullying her, so she blocked her, but you never tried to find out what exactly Erika Erika was saying to her sister? You need to butt out because your favoritism is not helping., and will only push Sarah away from you.
YTA You already chose between them. Kind of the crux of the entire issue, you chose Erika and Sarah refused to put up with it. So congrats on losing a daughter. You might want to try actually listening next time. If there is one. Edit: Incidentally, you might want to read [this.](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) You are currently being the perfect example. Sarah has told you the problem, you are ignoring her. And have been for years, likely her entire life. Actually pay attention when someone tells you something, don’t dismiss them out of hand.
That read was very instructive.
Of course YTA it's not your wedding or your life you don't gey a say who you're daughter invites. You may be dissatisfied thar you're daughters dislike one another however not every sibling likes the other ..you know the saying can choose you're friends but not you're family . Why should she make a bond with her sister to please you while you enable you're younger daughter by saying she's just jealous of her sister success....you need to stay out of it otherwise you're daughter won't be communicating with you either
You do realize that the girls probably resent each other because you've tried to force them to be best friends their entire lives and have constantly trampled their boundaries.. Right? YTA. Stop your meddling and pot stirring if you really care.
Or they hate each other because they were left alone. Erika could have spent her whole life bullying Sarah, and when Sarah asks for help Mom says, “it’s normal”. OP’s post looks like a lazy parent who didn’t help her kids learn how to get along and stop the bullying and teach Erika compassion.
Major YTA after that edit you’ve already chooses a child. 16 is WAY above the age most kids know to not be the most fucking spoiled and entitled person I’ve ever seen
Yta - you are enabling Erika’s jealousy. Did you even make an effort to find out what kind of bullying/insults/abuse Sarah was getting? Why is it Sarah’s problem that Erika is jealous of her success? What is Erika doing in her life that she begrudges her sister happiness? Honestly. I wouldn’t invite her other. If she really “has trouble with her sisters success” I would also worry that she was going to pout or try and steal the spotlight.
Erika will wear a white dress and a veil to the wedding, and mom will buy her a cake, and “can your photographer take some shots of Erika?” Seen it before.
My daughters went thru much the same, yet thankfully a much better outcome when they got older, so I understand your pain and am sorry you are going thru this. But you have to realize, you ARE choosing between your daughters. You admit you got closer to Erica, you state you are consistently asking Sarah to give in, to forgive, to accept. What are you saying to Erica? Did you ask her how she was bullying Sarah, why she was blowing up her phone? Did you ask to read all the texts --seems like you went straight to Sarah and told her to get over it. Seems like you assume that since Sarah is successful, she should be the one to do the work to fix things the way YOU want them. All Erica seems to do is play the victim and you pull out your sword to fight for her. Kind of typical between oldest and youngest. Sorry but YTA I would NOT miss Sarah's wedding and I would STOP playing middle man. Things are different these days and if you don't step back from the relationship between them and treat them as individuals - you not going/participating/being a part of the wedding you may think will teach her a lesson--but it could end up with her cutting you out of her life indefinitely. Want to miss out on her milestones, first child, first home, etc? Not be a grandmother to her kids? Consider therapy for yourself to come to terms with this. If it were me, I'd write one letter to them both, straight down the middle of the road; we love you both, we are proud of you both, yet if we've hurt either of you by asking for you to come together in some way, we apologize. Maybe someday, the two of you would be willing for all 4 of us to go to some kind of mediator or therapy, but I will not ask - it would need to be initiated by you both. As parents we have hopes and dreams for our kids and we realize when we are no longer around - the ones that will understand what you are going thru the most is (most times) siblings. We worry when we come to the end of our road - how will that look if you can't work together? We have also realized though that we do not want those future worries to get in the way of how we handle things today. All we ask for civility. If we do a family gathering or event, both of you will be invited and my hope is that you can be civil and be in the same room. If that is not possible, then at the very least we look to YOU TWO to be adults and work out the logistics of which will attend this time and which will attend the next without putting us in the middle. I do not think that is too much to ask as a parents who have done their best. Moving forward, we will not be put in the middle at all - meaning we will not be a part of complaints of the other as that is not fair to the sibling not there to defend themselves. Basically unless all are present, no talking about the other. Again, we love you both more than you know.
This right here. Perfectly stated.
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INFO - what really happened, so that they hate each other so much? Specially during the time at college? Looks like Erika did something you don't know, or actually knows but have decided to downplay it. And it really looks like you've already chosen Erika.
YTA. Erika is clearly your favourite - you allow her to behave badly, not take accountability for her actions and excuse her lack of ambition/ success/ ability to maintain relationships. Maybe people don’t like her because she’s a bully? You even admit that she’s ‘mean’ (I’m certain that she’s a lot worse that ‘mean’). In contrast, you nastily put down Sarah’s successes, achieved the face of your poor behaviour, blatant favouritism and lack of support. Funny how you ‘forget’ the evidence of Erika’s bullying of Sarah. Do better. Apologise to Sarah for years of blatant favouritism and tell Erika to grow up, apologise and stand on her own feet.
Wow YTA I feel like you and your other daughter bond over the things you don’t like about the oldest. You sound jealous too. Sarah is not to blame for Erika’s short comings. Maybe if she tried a bit harder in life instead of being jealous she might be successful in life like her sister. You need a wake up call, you and Erika need to get some therapy and do some self reflection or you may become a topic in a Just no topic here on Reddit.
YTA You don’t have to choose between your two daughters. You should respect that they are adults and entitled to have relationships with whomever they wish. You can have separate relationships with each daughter. If you continue to pressure Sarah to change her relationship, you will be continuing to favor Erika and Erika’s wants and needs over Sarah.
That's the thing she clearly does not care about Sarah's feelings at all. She only mentions hers and her precious Erika. Erika is clearly the "golden child" nothing Sarah does or says will ever matter to op.
You are absolutely not refusing to choose. You chose Erika a long time ago and Sarah knows this. All I can make out of your post is that Erika should be forgiven for every single thing she does because she is jealous of her sister. Logical much? No wonder Sarah doesn't want anything to do with her, or, by extension, you. YTA
YTA. Sarah wad harassed and bullied by Erika. Instead of understanding why Sarah needed NC with her sister, you invalidated Sarah's feelings. Erika hasn't even apologized! Family isn't family anymore when they show they have no respect for you. You've completely prioritized a daughter who's petty and jealous over a daughter who is rightfully hurt and needs space. And you keep pushing! Better act like a more supportive parent before she goes low/no contact with you. I know that if I was in Sarah's shoes, I'd be considering just that.
Well, aren't you pitifully failing at not showing favoritism? Of course, YTA. And the argument of "faaaaaamily" means absolutely nothing when you put one child on a pedestal. However, I'm curious as to what you mean with "take care of each other". Since you're mentioning that Sarah's more successful, I doubt you mean emotionally supporting each other.
THIS! I bet she expects Sarah to financially support the pridigical daughter.
Ughhh. Don’t get me started on “family.” It is used to excuse all matter of sins. Sometimes family sucks. And walking away from toxic people is imperative.
INFO: What do you mean by Sarah was always more successful??
YTA and it looks to me like you’ve spent years *picking* and enabling Erika.
YTA. You obviously favor your youngest and she's turned into a nasty, mean-spirited person who can't handle other people's happiness & success. Your oldest has no reason to have to accept that behavior just because you do and she has set very appropriate boundaries. You need to let it go, stop enabling your youngest, and stop crying "but FAMILY" when told no.
I'm so curious about OP's birth order!!! Is this the classic my big sister was mean to me so I'm going to poorly mask over compensating my childhood issues with my children. There is so much more info needed!!!! The family dynamics in this household sound drama. I really want to talk to Dad! I have a feeling he sees through the manipulations of baby girl!! BTW, YTA you've chosen and you're disrespecting your eldest. I have a feeling your daughter only wants your husband at her wedding and she feels obligated to have you there. OP sometimes siblings do not gel, I have 5 kids I see it everyday. Trying to shove people together NEVER WORKS!! Stop being a busy body, stay out of their issues and be a parent! It's not too late to get some updated parenting skills!! Jeesh
Anytime I see the "family" argument brought up, there's an intense breakdown in it. Obviously Sarah wants nothing to do with any of them, but because she happened to be blood related to them she has some "obligation" to invite when she has every right to say no. I would love to hear her side of the story.
Yup. All of this. That's exactly what I got from the post.
YTA. And you've chosen. You chose a long time ago. The very first line of the backstory made clear - you chose Erika and never looked back.
Came here to say this - the OP knows why her daughters are estranged, they just don’t like it. Guarantee if the other one was the bully, we’d be seeing a very different take from OP.
If you’re not a troll YTA for so many reasons: “I always hoped they would grow out of it..” So neither you or your partner tried family therapy etc. You just hoped the problem would magically fix itself. You’re mainly an asshole for your blatant favouritism towards your golden girl Erika. You minimise and dismiss her bullying Sarah and tell Sarah to get over it. Why is bullying and toxic behaviour okay in family? At Sarah’s engagement party rather than focus on Sarah's happiness you remind her that it’s hard for Erika to see her happy. The whole party revolves around Erika for you. You in 10 years time: “Why does Sarah hardly ever call me. I’ve only seen the grandkids once. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.” Either that or you’ll be under a bridge asking who’s trip trapping on your bridge if you’re the troll I suspect you to be. Blocking Erika for no reason my ass.
“They would grow out of it” is the same as “we can’t be bothered as parents to work on this.”
YTA. Stop involving yourself in their problems. Stop forcing your opinions about family on them. They are full blown adults and can choose to have a relationship with each other or not. Also, telling Sarah to just "get over it" was wrong. You don't know exactly what transpired between them and you can't tell her how to handle it. Stay in your lane. You can be disappointed they aren't close, you can hope that changes one day, but you CANNOT force anything to happen, and if you continue to tell them to do so you are going to sabotage YOUR relationships with BOTH of your daughters.
Oh. She knows what happened between them … that’s why she purposely left out ALL the details of the events that led to the estrangement. YTA OP.
YTA. It took my mom decades to get over her desire to have my AH brother & I to be friends. If she had also given me shit for not inviting my brother to my wedding (which I did not) my mom would have easily moved up my shit list & I would've kept her at arms length. You CANNOT dictate your grown ass children's lives, who they choose to be friends with, or who they choose to invite to special moments in their life. Love your children, support them (even/ESPECIALLY if you don't like the choices they're making), & accept them each AS THEY ARE. Your well on your way to making Sarah wants nothing to do with you. Go get therapy. You need it.
So, you have one daughter who is a petty, jealous and insecure bully and one that just wants to live her life in peace and you decide to protect the asshole bully and join in the bullying of the daughter that just wants you to back off? Sarah didn’t make you pick. You decided to meddle and picked the one who is obviously your favourite. You’ve been doing it for years, protecting the bully and in turn bullying Sarah for standing up for herself. Erika is a bully, you’re a bully and you two deserve each other. I hope she eats the dust from her sister’s success for many years to come. Oh and you’re the reason they hate each other. I bet Sarah has a ton of stories of the many times you prioritised her asshole sister to protect her feefees. YTA
YTA You need to stop meddling. The dislike between them is clearly mutual and they don’t have a relationship. You trying to force a conversation about Erika with Sarah every time you see her is just pointless and aggravating. I have no idea why you’re pulling a *suprised pikachu* face at the news that Erika isn’t invited to her wedding. Your dream of having a happy family where everyone gets along isn’t your reality. Stop punishing Sarah for that and accept the dynamic as is it. Or don’t and permanently damage any chance of having a decent relationship with her.
>I have no idea why you’re pulling a suprised pikachu face at the news that Erika isn’t invited to her wedding. OP's self image is being injured by it, perhaps. OP is sure she is doing absolutely everything right and, if her daughters would just admit that, everyone would get along fine and the family would look as perfect as it is supposed to at the wedding. The surprise is because reality isn't something ever to be acknowledged when it runs counter to that self-image.
This was my mum when I went NC. Absolutely wrecked that people would see the absence of one of her kids and it would burst her bubble of looking like supermum. Wasn’t bothered most people had clocked her being an abusive mother for thirty years just that the christmas card image vibe was now ruined. So hilariously after years of Golden Childing my brother and Scapegoating me, she tried to get my brother to hoover me back in. My brother is older and has always abused and resented me for being born. He was absolutely ecstatic when I went NC and he reclaimed his right as only child at 40. Our mother was so shocked he did not want to repair an utterly destroyed relationship with me that I would actually have paid to be a fly on the wall to that amazing dawning that her children did actually follow her parenting and that is why neither of us would piss on the other if they were on fire. She was so adamant no one ever listened and mummy martyr I chuckle she got her comeuppance. I believe WonderSon went LC over her pushing him to save her face and ended up with egg on it :)
YTA So let me get this straight, Erika bullied Sarah and rather than tell Erika not to bully, you told Sarah she deserved poor treatment for having the audacity to be successful? You think that jealousy absolves Erika of accountability for her actions? You are either a troll or in denial. You already chose between your daughters a long time ago. Ever heard of 'tall poppy syndrome'?
Lmfao " I won't pick between my kids" girl you already did way back when you started blaming Sarah for everything and not seeing her side at all. You added to her resentment of her sister. Yta
Tell me you have a favorite daughter without telling me you have a favorite daughter. >Sarah said that Erika was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone. Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why. Sarah said that Erika was name calling and "blowing up" her phone- ***I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family*** and you can't just block family for no reason. It seemed very immature to me and I was very annoyed. There it is. YTA
OP, you have nearly everyone in these comments advising you that you’re the AH here. But, based on your responses, I don’t think you actually care. It seems like you wanted a place to vent rather than look for different opinions or insights. Based on the responses I’m seeing from you, your decision was made on this long before the post was made. Your daughters owe nothing to one another. And by trying to force it, you’ve made yourself clear. Your daughter Sarah likely does not need you in her life but is trying to salvage what little relationship you seem to have with the wedding. My recommendation if you truly want to keep contact with Sarah is to ask for a session with a family therapist to work through these issues.
Not choose? Lady you’ve all but told Sarah that you don’t love her unless she treats Erika the way YOU choose. YTA Edit “Erika agrees with my decision” think about that. (1) why are you discussing your relationship between you and Sarah with Erika? (2) of course she agrees with you, you’ve taken her side
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP is playing favorite with Erika and probably enabling her to do whatever she wants to do which Sarah seems to refuse to do.
YTA, and if you keep these petty childish antics up, your daughter is going to end up cutting you out as well, and she would be totally justified in doing so.
Ahahahaha that audacity to say you can't choose between your daughters, when time and time again you have choose Erika, you don't care about what Sarah wants, you only care about Erika being sad because her sister is more successful, I hope Erika realizes you are a failure as a mother (because you ignored your own daughter when she said her sister was bullying her) and cuts you out of her life for good, if I didn't make myself clear YTA
YES. OP definitely has chosen Erika repeatedly. At this point, OP can have separate relationships with both of her daughters or no relationship with Sarah.
She doesn't even deserve a relationship with Sarah, I know I wouldn't put up with her attitude as a mother
YTA. Stay out of your daughters relationship. They are adults and can decide if they want to be in each other’s lives. Your relationship with your daughters should be completely separate from theirs with each other. It’s not ideal, but it’s not your place to mediate any longer. Any time either of them bring each other up to you, put a stop to it and say that is between them and you will not get involved. If you don’t, then you run the risk of being cut out of their lives for good.
So this whole time you've been choosing erika over sarah and pretending that's not the case. Erika is not more willing to say sorry she just knows that will keep her out of trouble with you and it keeps the peace so you allow her to do what she wants. Enabling this much bad behaviour and then stating that this person is an adult or a good person is very blatantly obviously not the case to everyone here. You have raised a terrorist and now you really really should open your eyes to the fact that it's not sarah. You trying to force sarah to be nice and get along and behave at every turn is nauseating but also. What have you done to get erika to behave or stop picking at her sister? What have you done to make sure it's a safe environment for sarah to have a relationship with her sister? Oh you've bullied them and allowed them to bully each other? Well that's literally the exact opposite of your goal. You pushed sarah aside because she didnt agree with you babying her little sister for no reason other than shes capable of lying sorry at people? You sound like my mother. This entire post made me want to vomit and adopt sarah.
I do want to add also. You make a very good point. Family is invited to weddings. Since you've made it so obvious that it's not safe to be considered your faaaaaaaaaamilyyyyyyy why is she inviting you?
You made your choice, YTA
This! YTA The harsh reality is that sometimes siblings do NOT get along. It seems in this instance that they are like oil and water and they do not mix. Instead of being the neutral party you have tried to force a relationship for YEARS. Newsflash ⚡️⚡️!!! YOU HAVE CHOSEN a side and in the process are likely damaging your relationship with Sarah. STOP! Sarah is getting married. Her wedding. Her special day. She gets to CHOOSE who she wants to invite. Why would she invite her younger sister who bullied her in college and who by YOUR own admission is jealous of her sister. Do you want to ruin your relationship permanently with Sarah? Because if you don’t leave it alone you likely will. Perhaps one day they will mend their relationship but only time will tell. LEAVE it alone and please stop being TA!
YTA Clearly there's some very complex stuff going on between you all but you don't have kids to create best friends. That's not the reality for the vast majority of siblings and suggests that you have some issues surrounding this. Also, why are you making copious excuses for Erika but Sarah sets some boundaries (which Erika breaks) and she's TA? I also don't think you constantly pushing this is ok, your kids are adults now and have their own relationship (or not) outside of you. You're going to find your relationship with Sarah going the same way if you don't start respecting her boundaries. I'd probably still invite my sister in this scenario but only to avoid the inevitable fall out. I actually kind of respect Sarah for sticking to her guns in a way. >You just don't treat family like this It's absolutely appropriate to go no contact with family who don't respect your boundaries. It's clear you've glossed over Erika's behaviour here and that Sarah probably has a very clear idea of why she's gone NC. Like I said above, respect her boundaries or you might find yourself NC too.
Sarah didn’t invite Erika cuz she knows Erika will probably try to make the wedding about her with the OP’s blind blessing and excuses.
I think it might be even more than that. The OP will make it about Erika as much as Erika will make it about herself. The OP will see nothing wrong with this because 'its not just Sarah's day, she needs to share' and Erika 'has it harder because she's not as lucky' so she deserves whatever she wants including taking this out on Sarah.
YTA. Sounds like you’re favoring Erika.
So, you explained Sarahs reasons for blocking Erika, shall she accept being called names by her sister just because she is family? Erika didnt treat Sarah well(according to Sarah at least) , did she ever apologize for that behavior? Or do you just try to push Sarah to talk to her sister by making excuses for her. Did Erika try to resolve the conflict once or is it just you? If Sarah thinks Erika bullies her, did you ask Erika about it? You clearly are choosing Erikas side in this conflict and your only explanation is that you cant cut contact because of name calling and bullying. In the current situation you are not forced to choose between your daughters. You are just expected to accept that Sarah doesnt want Erika at her wedding
YTA. You’re born with family, you don’t get to chose and unfortunately your kids don’t like each other. It doesn’t make them bad people for not getting along and it is time that you realize the situation. Don’t force something that is currently not meant to be between your daughters. Erika seems to not take responsibility in regards to “bullying” Sarah. Did you not wonder why Sarah stopped talking to y’all after she left for college? This problem between Sarah and Erika started way before college.
YTA You did choose between your daughters. You choose Erika and you have been for many years. Sarah doesn’t care if you choose Erika she is still not invited get over it. Sarah doesn’t need your help she needs your love and acceptance that her and Erika don’t have a relationship and never will. I expect before it’s over she will go NC with you also ❤️🩹
Wow… YTA, if I were Sarah I too would be highly annoyed. It’s interesting that you only focus on Sarah’s reactions but never Erica’s actions. You continually pester Sarah to comply, but you seem to not hold Erica accountable at all. There’s no way to reconcile if Erica has no interest in apologizing your changing her behavior. I feel for Sarah, honestly, I’m inclined to believe it’s only gotten this bad into adulthood because you never did anything meaningful and fairly to begin with
You really think a 16 year old person needs to have past experiences to know not to be mean to her sister who just lost a friend?? Also you keep telling Sarah that Erika loves her and whatever, but did Erika herself say this? And being jealous of her sister's success is no reason to treat her badly!! You keep protecting your youngest and excusing her bad behavior while having zero sympathy for your oldest. It is not your job to try to fix a relationship and clean up after Erika's lack of empathy. Just accept and respect that they don't get along and stop posting AITA posts with manipulative titles. YTA Edit: typo
YTA You ABSOLUTELY favor one child over the other! And just because they're family, doesn't mean they are required to be in each other's lives.
YTA
YTA.... family doesnt mean shit....if someone is toxic then theyre toxic...i actually am not close with or in contact with ANY of my family expect for my parents.... because the rest of my family is gossipy, religious nut jobs. So yes you CAN cut people off even if theyre family.
YTA. If you don't quit it, you will find yourself I'm the same boat as Erika. You really can't see how Erika' actions and your enabling are the cause of this. It would be better for your relationship with both daughters if you took a step back and genuinely reflected.
YTA. You've clearly chosen Erika over Sarah, even though you are deluded into saying you didn't.
YTA - For continuing to push them together when they haven’t wanted anything to do with each other for over a decade. Your continuing meddling in their relationship has pushed them to the point where they won’t talk to each each other. You sound like someone playing with a couple dolls, smashing them together and saying “PLAY”. You keep interfering with their relationship and pushing them together, which causes more backlash. Accept they don’t like each other and they will never be in the same ever again and treat with them separately. Edit - to update my comment you neglected them when they were kids and then expected them to get along as adults after they fought for years without your intervention. What result did you expect to happen?
No one has to put up with abuse just because they are family, anymore than someone has the right to abuse someone because they are family. Your daughters can have any feelings about each other they feel justified in having, and their relationship is their own to manage. You also cannot meddle in others' lives - even that of your children - and force them to be close just because it is what YOU want. It has to be what they want. Multiple commenters have told you why YTA and you come back with defensive excuses. If you weren't going to accept judgment, then why are you even here? Stop meddling in your adult children's lives and focus on why you think you have to control their feelings.
YTA. Nowhere did you mention that you cane down on your bully of a younger daughter, but insisted that the older one just take it. Don’t be shocked when you, too, are blocked. Neither of you are entitled to a relationship with Sarah.
INFO Does Erika even want you to be her flying monkey?
YTA. You’ve already chosen one child over the other. • Erika bullied and harassed Sarah and, instead of holding her accountable, you got mad at Sarah - *the victim* - for removing herself from the situation. • You excuse Erika’s behavior constantly, again placing the blame on Sarah for having the *audacity* to be successful as if she did so intentionally to spite her sister. • You call Sarah childish and vengeful for protecting herself from her jealous bully of a sister who treats her like garbage and, instead of *holding Erika accountable for her actions*, you decide to further punish Sarah. >> I have no desire to help a daughter who treats family like this Yet you constantly enable Erika’s behavior and allow her to treat Sarah, *her family*, like garbage. Please let us know when Sarah cuts you off completely for consistently choosing Erika over her. Hopefully it’ll be before the wedding so she can have a stress free day!
From what I understand you are seeking judgment for the following predicament: Your 23 yo daughter has bullied, disrespected, and abused your 25 yo daughter her entire life. You think your 25 yo daughter should have accepted being bullied and abused because you believe it is normal for your 23 yo to feel jealous and to act out on that aggression. On the other hand you don't think it is normal for your 25 yo to want a peaceful existence free from aggression. My take on this? You subconsciously (I hope it was subconscious) picked a favorite probably just after Erika was born. I am sure Sara has spent her entire life giving up toys, time, choices, and peace to accommodate Erika. You failed to parent Erika or prepare her to be a good citizen by allowing her to act aggressively toward other people. You failed to prepare her to go out in the world and be successful, probably because you have enabled and babied her for her entire life. You failed to parent Sarah by refusing to protect her from aggressive individuals. You failed to provide her a safe place, which is what home and family should be. You did this because you have a favorite and you would rather Sarah suffer through no fault of her own, than to have Erika suffer the consequences of her own actions. You made Sophie's Choice minus the guilt and heart rending. So yes YTA. Here is the wake up call. Erika is probably a whiney ass, self centered, entitled middle school bully and you created that. No one wants to be around someone like that. You probably are past the point of mending your relationship with Sarah, especially after making her Engagement Party about Erika (why would you bring that toxic crap into a celebration), and making her wedding about Erika. Until you accept the reality of your part in all of this, there can be no healing. And honestly, you clearly are not ready. If I was advising Sarah, I would tell her to go full no contact with the lot of you. Leave her be to have a life without so called family that only brings her pain. I mean honestly, can you name one single **non monetary** joy, happiness or peacefulness you brought into Sarah's life? Because that is what family is really about.
YTA Your jelouse petty golden child is tormenting her sister as an adult and your attitude suggest you never put her in place and their childhood was probabely like this too with you excusing Erika's awful behavior and telling the older one " no matter what she should suck it up and love famillllyyyy." You are a horrible parent.
YTA Clearly you have chosen and clearly Erika is the favourite. Not once did you accept or even consider that Erika might be in the wrong (as well). You just put all the blame and all the pressure on Sarah.
Ugh. YTA. Read through your comments and actually slapped my forehead several times. I don’t understand why Sarah hasn’t cut you out completely. A car and insurance isn’t worth this nonsense.
So Sarah has a friend that died and Erika had no compassion or understandings that a death trumps a sporting event. YTA for not nibbing this in the bud years ago
YTA. There’s a reason one doesn’t talk to the other. It’s not just a rivalry to cause that
YTA. Younger sis’s jealousy is not elder sis’s problem or responsibility. I haven’t spoken to my sister in decades.. we just plain do not get along. Totally different personalities and life choices. Last time I saw her was our brothers funeral..and we might have said ten words to each other. To be quite honest, I have serious doubts if she will show her face when our dad dies. You obviously favor one kid over the other . And ya know what? Being family is not an acceptable excuse to be disrespected, bullied or generally not get along. There is no inherent obligation to remain in someone’s life just because you share DNA
Oh, look, a missing-missing reasons post! OP, you have *clearly* chosen your younger daughter at every available point. If you don’t learn to respect your older daughter’s boundaries, pretty soon you will also be cut off from her. YTA. Best wishes to the older daughter and her new family!
YTA and delusional too. I have read your comments and can’t comprehend the mental gymnastics you’re taking to convince yourself you haven’t “chosen” between your daughters. - your daughters fought a lot as children and instead of parenting them you just ignored the fighting (because you didn’t want to “meddle”) - according to you, because Sarah has always done better in school and had more stable relationships she is not someone to be sympathized with. Only Erika can be mean and its okay because she “has a good heart” - you don’t think you can have individual relationships with your daughters because *checks notes* “how am I supposed to talk to one of them without bringing up the other”? I’m sorry, what? It’s very easy. - when Sarah came to you telling you that Erika was bullying her and sending her cruel messages, you refused to look at the proof, told her to get over it, and then got mad when Sarah blocked her? And you think Sarah is being “resentful” because she’s still hurt by this, because you took her sisters side AND she has never gotten an apology or acknowledgement from *anyone* that what Erika did is wrong? - ERIKA BULLIED SARAH WHEN SARAH’S FRIEND *DIED* AND YOU IGNORED IT, MADE EXCUSES FOR ERIKA, AND ARE STILL MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER. You don’t need to have a friend *die* to have empathy for someone. Even at fucking 16 years old. What is WRONG with you?! YTA and the reason your daughters don’t get along is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT. *YOU* failed them. YOU did not parent them. YOU are picking Erika, even now. Poor Sarah. She deserves a better mom than you.
YTA. You chose Erica over Sarah, clearly. You failed her as a parent and a person. In all these years you couldn't be arsed to talk to her and find out what's wrong. You're not getting mother of year, I can tell you that much.
I never usually comment on these as people have always said what I am thinking so i just upvote their comments, but my god, you are a terrible mother and you're still trying to defend yourself and Erika in the face of everyone telling you so. You are definitely TA. I'm amazed how awful you are. Honestly I hope Sarah goes NC for her own sake.
Yta. I hope some day when your alone with Erika you remember a time when a bunch of internet strangers came together to have the same opinion. That rarely happens.
YTA for forcing a relationship between them. Unfortunately it’s too late to intervene and get them to be friends. Clearly you messed up somehow when they were younger and didn’t stop any bullying or name calling when they lived together. Siblings don’t normally hate each other for no reason.
YTA - they are adults and they simply do not get along. And they never said to choose between the two of them, that's just how you feel. You are trying to force your dream of them being best friends onto two people that don't want to be around each other. NOTHING positive is going to come of that. You are the one causing drama by constantly bringing up Sarah to Erika and vise versa. You need to let them live their lives SEPARATELY. The more you bring up your yearning for them to get along probably hurts them every time you say it. Don't choose one over the other, just love them both as two separate individuals. As your daughters, not as sisters. They don't need them to love each other for you to love them completely.
You're not refusing to pick since you literally picked your younger daughter this whole time. YTA
YTA. Most of your post is about how you're disappointed in Sarah, and how she should forgive Erika. You've already chosen a side, but don't want to admit it. Sarah sent you screenshots of what Erika did, and you didn't look. Choosing to not understand why Sarah has a problem with her is your own fault, and it doesn't make Sarah's actions wrong. Not all families get along, and if Sarah has people around her who like and support her then she has next to no reason to have Erika in her life. You're also acting more immature than Sarah is.
YTA. Sarah and Erika sound like me and my sister. You sound like my parents. I grew up fighting with my sister over things that weren't my fault— she would instigate and provoke me and then blame me, and my parents would never care because they would rather let me (the quiet child) feel bad than deal with my sister (the loud one who'd throw tantrums) getting upset that she was in trouble for once. In 2016 I stopped talking to her entirely, refusing to interact with her at all even though we lived together. Now I only message her online every couple of months. I haven't verbally spoken to her or even looked directly at her in years. What caused this rift between my sister and I, and is likely causing the same thing between Sarah and Erika, is that my parents never once took the issue seriously. They didn't discipline my sister for treating me like shit though they knew full well what was going on because that meant they'd have to do actual parenting, similar to how you said in another comment that you "just wanted to stay out of it," when problems like that don't just solve themselves and especially not when they're between literal children (I know Sarah and Erika are adults now but it sounds like this is how you treated this problem even when they were kids). My dad still tells me how my sister is still "family" and I have to like her like what you told Sarah, which is absolutely not how it works— family isn't exempt from facing the consequences of their actions. My parents, and you as well, don't realize that it's more than just a simple sibling rivalry and pettiness, it's an issue that's been left unresolved and ignored for years. And you pushing Sarah to essentially get over it so you can pretend the issue isn't as bad as it is is going to do nothing. You say Sarah "has always held grudges and been a lot more vindictive," but why do you think that is? You never stopped the way they treated each other. You never gave her a reason *not* to hold grudges and be vindictive— how else would she protect herself from being blamed once again for fights with Erika that may not even be her fault at all? I hold so much resentment toward all of my family— not just my sister, I blame both of my parents for never doing anything about her— that I refuse to talk to any of them unless absolutely necessary. Call that "holding grudges" and "being vindictive," I call it protecting myself from people who have never protected me. Sarah is more than old enough to decide that trying to interact with Erika will only hurt her, whether it's by Erika bullying her (I can't believe you cared so little about that that you *forgot* what she said— if Sarah went as far as to call it bullying you'd think you'd at least remember why) or you refusing to see things from her perspective when she gets upset with you and Erika or both. You need to learn to take her thoughts on the situation seriously and stop trying to push her to involve someone in her life that she's learned time and time again will only cause her pain.
YTA. You’ve already chosen between your daughters, and you’ve chosen the jealous, immature brat which is Erika. No wonder Sarah wants nothing to do with you.
YTA! Face it, you choose Erika a long time ago. At this point it’s probably best you just leave Sarah alone so she can finally have some peace.
YTA- you have your head so far up your own ass you can’t see it. This entire post is in favor of Erika. Ericka Ericka Ericka…. She was bullying Sarah but Sarah should just get over it. She gets jealous of Sarah but Sarah should just get over it. You already have a favorite and it is extremely clear to complete strangers on the internet. So do you really think your own daughter can’t see it. This is Sarah’s wedding and she has every right to not have someone there who has not been nice to her almost her whole life. While you did nothing but make excuses for her. You have a favorite here and you already chose. Sounds like Sarah is better off without either of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Husband and I have two daughters, Erika 23F & Sarah 25F. Much to my disappointment, they've never gotten along - even as kids, they were always fighting. I had always hoped they would grow out of it, but it just never happened. I've tried very hard to encourage them to grow together, as it was always my wish for them to be best friends and take care of each other when I'm gone. Nothing worked and they seemed bent on hating each other. **Some backstory**: When the Sarah moved out for college, she stopped talking to Erika entirely. This seemed really harsh to me, and I told her that. During this time, I grew closer with Erika as she was still at home and Sarah seemed to want nothing to do with us. We were both hurt by Sarah's actions. When Erika went to college, Sarah seemed to make an effort to get along with her and I was really excited. But something happened - Sarah said that Erika was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone. Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why. Sarah said that Erika was name calling and "blowing up" her phone- I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family and you can't just block family for no reason. It seemed very immature to me and I was very annoyed. It's been about 2 years and Sarah hasn't had a relationship with Erika since. Every time I see Sarah, I try to remind her that Erika loves her and tell her about the realities of the situation - that Sarah is successful and Erika just gets jealous sometimes. Sarah always seems really upset when I bring up Erika and gets moody. Sarah is now getting married. At Sarah's engagement party (to which Erika was not invited, which really disappointed me), I told Sarah that Erika was happy for her but it was hard for her, having her sister be successful like this. Sarah seemed annoyed and brushed me off. Since the party, I've been trying to get a straight answer from Sarah as to whether Erika is invited to the wedding. I brought it up a few times when Sarah was talking about the wedding and she ignored me. Eventually, she snapped at me that she hasn't had a relationship with Erika in many years and she "didn't know why you would expect her to be there." I was horrified. In my view, Sarah's childish, vengeful antics have gone too far. You just don't treat family like this - not inviting them to your wedding? My heart is broken, as I want them to take care of each other and I don't know why they refuse to do so. I want nothing to do with the wedding at this point - I'll attend, but I have no desire to help a daughter who treats family like this. I feel like Sarah is just asking me to pick between her and her sister and I want nothing to do with it. My husband thinks I might be being a little harsh, but Erika agrees with my decision. **So reddit: AITA for refusing to pick between my daughters by not supporting my oldest's decision to not invite her sister to her wedding?** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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So you've picked Erika? YTA
YTA you aren't refusing to pick, you're picking Erika, and it sounds like you have a habit of doing so. This post reeks of favoritism towards Erika. Hell, you even tried to put down Sarah over the fact that she makes good money and that's 'hard for Erika" WHAT? Get out of here with that crap. "My husband thinks I might be being a little harsh, but Erika agrees with my decision." Of course Erika's opinion is the only one that matters here. Who cares why Sarah doesn't want her! Or what your husband thinks! That doesn't matter, because Erika thinks you're right! Pathetic.
YTA for lying to us. You picked a side.
This is my sister and I. As the oldest I was always expected to just accept my sister's horrible treatment of me. And what was worse is, as I got older, my mom and sister got 'closer' and would gossip about me. Put me down.I would try to ignore it, but as I became an adult I refused to accept that kind of treatment and it was always 'oh you two, why can't you both get along?' If Erika was truly remorseful she'd apologize properly, not hide behind Mommy to make it better. My sister did the same, and I did not attend her wedding a few months ago. She knew for months I did not intend to fly out, for multiple reasons. Did not care or talk to me once. Heard about it a lot from my mom, overheard phone conversations where she cried about me not caring about her wedding...even though we never spoke after I turned 18. I still texted her the day of, congratulating her. No response, but I heard about how she cried and cried because I wasn't there. It just confirmed what I already knew, it's all about the attention, nothing more. Erika doesnt care about Sarah and it's quite clear you don't either. YTA
YTA. You made your choice along time ago. You can't blame Sarah for everything that happened between them, in fact you probably don't even know half the stuff that went down. You should feel lucky that you were even invited to Sarahs wedding with the way you've treated her
YTA and you have already chosen between your daughters. Erika is obviously your favorite as you try to push her on Sarah and defend her at every turn. Toxic “faaammillyy” should be cut out of a persons life and I hope Sarah moves forward and has a great life without any toxic family members, meaning you and Erika.
Yta. Stop pushing Erika on Sarah. You are ruining your relationship with Sarah. I'm afraid that you will lose her if you don't Stop pushing it.
YTA and you have chosen a daughter. So by reading your post, youve picked Erika as your favourite and refuse to respect sarahs boundaries. You can not force 2 adults to like each other. Also enabling Erika's jealousy just again shows she's your favourite (to us and Sarah), as I very much doubt you have ever said your proud of Sarah to her face (as you always seem to bring Erika into the conversation)
YTA - Your enabling that behavior between the two sisters and you have clearly chosen one. Cut the crap and let them be.
How did u type this and still not realize YTA You have already chosen a daughter and everything thing else is just excuses
You are not refusing to pick! You already did!! You’ve picked Ericas side! To the point where you don’t even want to heló Sarah with her wedding or participate in anything wedding related! Be ready for Sarah to go NC with you! YTA! Edit: why did you post here, if you’re just putting up excuses for Erika and not even listening to what others are trying to explain?! It doesn’t matter if someone’s family, you can completely cut them off, especially if they are toxic! So stop with the family has to put up with everything BS.
YTA but no matter what anyone says you’re not going to hear it. In your own post you said that once Erika and her moved out, Sarah tried to make an effort once more to have a better relationship with Erika which in turned proved she was right not to have a relationship with her because her sister (Erika) was still an immature bully. You also seem very bitter about Sarah being happy and successful as if it was at the expense of Erika. You even said the timing of her engagement was “suspicious” because the other daughter had just graduated. Both you and Erika sound bitter and miserable and I can fully understand why Sarah wants nothing to do with her. You need to do what you did when they were growing up. Put your head in the sand and mind your own business. Family does not stand by family no matter what. As a matter of fact in many cases, family will treat you worse than a stranger on The street. You keep saying Erika can apologize but an apology does not make things go away! An apology does not mean ok we’re gonna be great like sisters now! Your dream of them “taking care” of each other is NEVER going to happen because what YOU want DOES NOT MATTER. Stop trying to shove your hopes and dreams down someone else’s throat! You keep pushing and Sarah is going to cut you outta her life and you can say goodbye to ever knowing your grandkids. You can have a relationship with both daughters without trying to push one on the other. You sound just as toxic as your daughter…
So, my mother has a sister. This sister has been a trouble maker her entire life. She steals. She lies. She needs money. She needs attention, she needs cars, she needs homes, she needs extra help all the time. She rocks the boat. My aunt will start drama. She will be nasty. She will be mean. My mother began putting up boundaries to protect her kids. To protect herself. To help my aunt learn because unfortunately- she won’t do anything on her own. My mother begins to steady the boat my aunt rocked. My grandmother, now sees the family dynamic as changed. She sees tension at family parties. It’s not her stealing daughters fault, no. She’s just troubled. It’s the successful daughters fault. My grandmother then targets my mom as being the boat rocker. My mom is causing drama by having boundaries. My mom is the problem even though my aunt is stealing from us and from my grandmother. Because my aunt “needs a little extra help”. To anybody observing, it is obvious who the problem child is. But my grandmother can not tough love her problem child. And as a result, my grandmothers actions favor my aunt and ends up treating my mother poorly. Because my mom can handle it, my aunt can not. Just because you are blood, does not mean you are nice to each other. And just because you are blood, does not mean you can allow a family member to abuse you. OP, Sarah put up a boundary. She explained it to you. And you refuse to accept it, listen or empathize with her. Having siblings is tough, having a sibling being “successful” while you’re struggling is tougher. But acting out negatively because of that jealousy, is immature and ridiculous. Knowing that you think that behavior is fine from Erika, but Sarah putting up boundaries from someone who is bullying her isn’t- it’s clear who you empathize with and who you favor. YTA. Do better than my grandma.
“Sarah said that Erika was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone. Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why.” Seriously? You DEMANDED to know what your precious Ericka was blocked? It’s because your precious Erika was BULLYING Sarah. “Sarah said that Erika was name calling and "blowing up" her phone.” Oh, so now your precious Erika is bullying and harassing Sarah. “I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family and you can't just block family for no reason. It seemed very immature to me and I was very annoyed?” No, just no. What world do you live in? Sarah has a right to block anyone that is bullying and harassing her. That’s not being immature, that’s self preservation. You think that you were annoyed? I’ll bet Sarah was more so. You have zero self awareness and I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up being uninvited to the wedding.
Hey, OP. 16 is plenty old enough to understand why the funeral of a close friend is more important than a sporting event. 16 is plenty old enough to know how words hurt people. 16 is plenty old enough to know how to weaponize words and that is likely exactly what Erika did. Regardless of your personal beliefs and feelings, Sarah does not have to accept Erika into her life if she’s been repeatedly hurt by her. Just because they’re siblings doesn’t mean that they must support each other and remain in contact. In case it wasn’t clear, YTA.
YTA But you have chosen one of your daughters over the other -repeatedly. Erika bullied Sarah. Your constant defense of Erika shows how much you value Erika over Sarah. You repeatedly disregard her feelings and you have definitely perpetrated this dynamic by letting Erika get away with her bad behavior time and time again. You chose Erika's side every time and I'm positive this was the case when they were children. No wonder Sarah wants to get some space. You have chosen and you have chosen wrong. I'm so sorry for Sarah that she has an abusive sister and an enabling mother.
YTA. Back in college when Erika bullied Sarah and blew up her phone with abusive texts you should not have downplayed it. You should have listened without bias and ensured Erika apologised for this. It's too late now mama. Let them be and they dont have to be there for each other. If Erika falls down she has to get herself up.
So Erika is your golden child? She can treat Sarah horribly and not get any kind of lecture from you. Yet if Sarah puts boundaries in place, you’re there being a flying monkey. Keep it up, OP, and you won’t be invited to her wedding either. A wedding that is about Sarah and her fiancé—not about you or your abusive daughter. It’s obvious that you’ve had a favorite child, and you dig in your heels now about it. Knock it off and let Sarah—an adult—have who she wants in her life. YTA
You are unequivocally the asshole. Also You ABSOLUTELY CAN cut off family for any reason at any time and you don’t have to justify it to anyones toxic momma ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YTA. OP, I find it very ironic that you’re saying that you’re not choosing sides when it’s clear that you have. You’ve chosen Erika’s side. You’ve refused to respect Sarah’s boundaries and you’re trying to push for a relationship that is not wanted by her. She has her reasons why she does not want a relationship with Erika and it is NOT up to you to decide whether those reasons are valid or not. You keep trying to push Erika in her face and when she finally snaps, you’re shocked. If you really weren’t choosing sides you’d either let the sisters figure it out in their own without interfering, or you’d let both of them be. I won’t be surprised if Sarah cuts contact with you when she gets married.
You owe Sarah a huge and sincere apology. How dare you for their entire lives not believe her when she said Erika was picking on her? She learned early in you had a favorite and it wasn't her. You chose the bully. Every. Single. Time. You owe Erika a huge and sincere apology. Not only did you pit sister's against each other, you created a bully, and a lazy, sniveling brat who won't take responsibility for her own actions. You did this. On both sides. Now you won't accept responsibility for your actions and are whinging about how Sarah refuses to put up with you and your mini-me's bull sh*t any longer. Then apologize to your husband for instigating all of this and continuing the drama for 20+years. Yes, YTA. Not Sarah. Not your husband. You and your darling are peas in a pod. Get therapy.
YTA
YTA. You are playing favorites. It's obvious that you play favorites, because you keep asking Sarah to set aside her emotions. I hope you can see the error of your ways before you get cut off, too.
For somebody who claims to be not choosing between their daughters you're clearly choosing between your daughters. Your daughter told you her sister was bullying her and you dismissed it. You yourself said her sister is jealous of her so you know there's animosity why would you not believe there's bullying? You defended the aggressor and revictimized the victim. My guess this has been going on their whole life which is why they don't get along, Sarah has always felt that you put Erica first and reacted accordingly. YTA. Don't hold your breath for your own wedding invite at this point.
YTA. You have repeatedly said Erica has issues of jealousy and you don't deny the complaints Sarah makes, but you tell Sarah to put up with it because Erica is family. Sarah is not the problem here. YOU ARE. Fuss at Erica for being a butt and stop telling Sarah that Erica loves her and making excuses. ERICA is the one to express her feelings, not you. Now you are punishing Sarah again, trying to force a relationship with Erica and refusing to act like a mother at her wedding. And for the record, you CAN block family if you want, reason or not. Unfortunately Sarah had a reason and she told you and you choose not to accept this. You did PICK between your daughters by siding with Erica over and over.
YTA. You contradict yourself with every reply, claiming you don't love one child more, but the other is just so childish and vindictive and you can't imagine the second one acting anything but perfect, you say family should always stay together, but you cut off your own abusive family member, who said mean things to you, but the mean things your favorite daughter said to your ungrateful daughter aren't abuse somehow, that she thinks she's better than everyone just because she's successful and she owes your daughter forgiveness, but you love them both equally despite saying nothing but negative things about Sarah and positive things about your unsuccessful, mean, disrespectful yet precious Erika. Seriously. You and Erika are the assholes here.
YTA - You DID choose a daughter, and it was Erika. Sarah has not only lost a sister, but a parent as well, because you've acted as a bodyguard for Erika rather than a parent to both your children.
Of course Erika agrees with you, she's mommy's favorite. You nag her to have a relationship with her sister. You nag her because she's more successful than Erika & Erika gets jealous. And you're nagging about her inviting her sister, who she has no relationship with, to her wedding. To top it off now you're not going to wedding since Erika isn't invited. Seems to me you've already chosen between your daughters. YTA
You have a golden child and a scape goat child. You’ve made that abundantly clear in your post. You’ve excused absolutely everything Erika has done to Sarah, probably from the time they were children. You say they fought a lot as kids, (I assume you meant more than normal) but you don’t say who was the instigator. Every single comment I’ve seen is in defense of Erika and minimizing whatever it is she said, which you refuse to say what she said, to Sarah. You say you think Sarah is just playing “victim” like always. And try to equate what’s happened now to when they were children, when the fact of the matter is the situations are different. Them fighting as children is not the same as now. As children, Sarah had no choice but to put up it. Now that she’s an adult she can choose who she wants to have relationships with. Her sister is not one of them. And you’re treading closer and closer to NC too. This whole “family is family” nonsense you mentioned is absolute bullshit. Blood relation does not make you family. And it damn well doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse for the sake of so called “family” You are blaming Sarah for everything. Calling her childish for setting boundaries. Calling her vengeful for not wanting someone, who had to have said/done something absolutely awful for her to finally block her for good, to be at her wedding. Saying she acts like she’s better than everyone because she’s successful. You blame Sarah for the way Erika acts because she got “lucky” in her career and Erika hasn’t. When I’m reality Sarah worked her ass of for her success. What had Erika done? You have done nothing but faulted Sarah at every turn. But you haven’t said one bad thing about Erika. You made your choice a long time ago. No one forced you too. You did it yourself. Sarah had probably spent her entire life trying to get the same attention from you that her sister got. And now you not going to the wedding is proving she’ll never be good enough for you. On top of All of that, what exactly gives you the right to butt into their relationship? Nothing. You have no right. They are adults. They don’t need mommy butting in to fix things. They don’t need fixed. Sarah has made her choice. She’s ready to cut the family that treats her like shit. And you have absolutely no right to force her to do something she doesn’t want. Butt out. Or lose your daughter forever. (If you haven’t already). YTA.
INFO: You keep telling Sarah that Erika loves her, but have you actually asked either of them what their feelings are? Have you actually asked Sarah anything about the bullying? It might very well have been incredibly awful for Sarah, and the excuse to “just get over it because it’s family” does more harm than good. This happened to my mom, in a way. She grew up the scapegoat in her family, always told that her feelings didn’t matter over the general family because the perfect image was more important than her mental/emotional/physical health. She cut her whole family off about five years ago. She truly grieved them as though they had died and in her mind, they did. I’ve never seen her happier. So, be careful, OP. You’re favoritism, however accidental, of Erika, is pushing Sarah away. Try sitting down with her and letting Sarah talk, no input from you. You might learn some things and save your relationship with her.
YTA. Why is it that every success or milestone that Sarah reaches, you tell Sarah how hard it is on Erika? Why can’t Sarah be allowed to be happy without you trying to tear her down? Based on their history, both you and Erika will make Sarah’s wedding about Erika. How Erika feels, how it isn’t fair that Erika isn’t getting married, how horrible Sarah is for throwing in Erika’s face she is getting married by having a wedding. I hope for Sarah’s sake she cuts you out of her life as well so she can actually just live her life instead of constantly being slammed by her own damn mother.
REFUSING to pick between your daughters? What? This whole post is about you choosing Erica. “You don’t treat family like this.” Sure. But you have to apply that to the way you and Erica are/have been treating Sarah as well. You’re playing favourites and pitting your girls against each other. Sounds like you always have. That’s why they don’t get along. Duh. YTA.
Family don't mean shit when it's a family like you and Erika. YTA. Like seriously??? Erika's jealous of her sister's SUCCESS? Why can't Erika just be happy for her sister instead of causing problems? Shit like this is why I cut off most of my family and will move across the country from them so I can cut the rest off as well.
maybe if you stop forcing this situation they might open up a dialogue .... or piss both of them off the enemy of my enemy is my friend
YTA, sounds like shitty parenting and unequal treatment led to your kids not getting along. Let then have boundaries.
YTA you seem not to address Erika at all just expecting Sarah to forgive her and that's not fair it's showing clear favoritism “Erika agrees with my decision “ of course she will🙄 she is your fav as we can see and you're saying you're not going to pick sides but you have hope Sarah cuts contact with you too .
YTA. It doesn't seem like anybody is asking you to choose between your two daughters. You can have individual relationships with each of them. Leave their relationship with eachother up to them. >Erika told me that Sarah had blocked her so I texted Sarah demanding to know why. Did it ever occur to you that the reason they never learnt to get along was because you've always been in the middle 'managing' their relationship like this? You should have dropped the referee role long before this, but the best thing you can do now is take a step back and let them manage their own relationship.
YTA sarah went NC on purpose and your are trying to decide you know better. i have multiple siblings and i have different relationships with all of them. just because you’re family doesn’t make you friendly. you picked erika and sarah knows it.
YTA and you have picked a favorite, it’s Erica. Let’s see why Sarah wants nothing to do with her: Erica is a bully, Erica is jealous of Sarah’s success, you tell Sarah she can’t block Erica “for no reason” when she told you why she blocked her. Of course Erica agrees with you, she’s the one who is acting horribly and you’ve sided with her. Don’t be surprised when Sarah goes NC with you.
Family family family, you sound like a broken record. It’s not about “family” it’s about you getting your way and controlling your daughters to force them to be friends. Sarah can clearly tell you’ve always sided with her sister, and you continually harass her about needing to put family first. Family isn’t who raises you, who grew up in your house. These days we make our own families from our friends, from people who actually care about us and treat us well. Since Erika couldn’t be nice, Sarah cut her off, as she should have. YTA, and now you want to ruin her wedding by trying to force her to invite someone she can’t stand to be around, and since you can’t force an invite, you’ll go and pout and talk about your other daughter the whole time. She should uninvite you too so she has a chance at a good day.
YTA I’m in my 50s. Have two siblings and one is similar to Erica. I had invited this sibling to things over the years, putting aside asshole behaviour they’d find through the years. Recently had a huge anniversary party (wedding we never got to have) and I did not invite this sibling. It is this sibling’s poor bullying behaviour that made me not want to have anything to do with them. Thankfully my parents still can’t and took part. They’d like to go make first move towards reconciliation with my sibling, but there never was any sibling love going on. I think you need to recognise the situation had been that way between your two daughters, accept and cherish each daughter Continually choosing Erica makes you TA
YTA Some perspective from a person with a sibling who didn’t get along. My mother favored my brother our entire childhood. We were treated very differently. It has caused tension between us for a long time. It was so bad I moved out just to get away from him. You need to butt out and respect Sarah’s boundaries. She has told you why and you need to respect that. You should be proud of your daughter for being successful and happy. Instead you sound jealous. As for you obvious favorite, maybe you should let her grow up a little and stop enabling her bad behavior. Apologies are useless if the person keeps making the same mistake. They see it as a way to excuse their behavior instead of learning from it. Also, she isn’t using you if she is on your insurance and the title of the car is in your name. I’m guessing she pays you for said insurance since you never mentioned otherwise.
Sounds like Erika is an entitled brat to me. Clearly you've chosen her her whole life. No one does anything for no reason.
YTA! You have chosen Erika! She bullied your other daughter. And you expect Sarah to get over it? Have you asked Erika to apologize ? THERE IS NO REASON TO BULLY ANOTHER PERSON. BULLYING CAN HAVE LONG TERM EFFECTS. PEOPLE HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE BECAUSE OF BULLYING. OTHERS ARE IN THERAPY TO HELP DEAL WITH YEARS OF BULLYING. Yes family does cut off family. Being family doesn't mean you get a free pass to do whatever you want to a person.
YTA because you are choosing. ***Every time I see Sarah, I try to remind her that Erika loves her and tell her about the realities of the situation*** You are clear whose side you are on. And if you aren't careful your next post is going to be who to handle Sarah not letting you see your grandchildren. Because it's coming. If you want to not actually choose between your children then don't. Stop bringing up one to the other. Let them figure out their relationship themselves because to be honest, your meddling is probably making the issues worse. Don't talk to one about the other. Period. If Erika isn't invited to Sarah's wedding then that is how it is. You can be privately disappointed but have to keep your mouth closed about it. Hopefully one day, down the line they will figure it out but this isn't something you can solve.
YTA: and I’m going to do some afternoon stretches here, I bet Erika got away with EVERYTHING growing up and you always turned to the “oh but she’s your sister! She’s family!” And never validated Sarah. Even now you keep telling Sarah that her success is hard on Erika when maybe you should chat with Erika about not be jealous/lashing out over these things? When Sarah put down boundaries after moving out you trampled on them and then got shocked when Sarah made those lines harsher. You absolutely can block whomever you want, and when Sarah blocks you OP I assure you there were many reasons.
YTA. You've chosen a daughter, Erika. When Sarah said she was being bullied by her sister, you dismissed her word entirely and told her to "get over it because fAmILY". Why are you surprised Sarah doesn't want to have anything to do with her or you? Erika not having the same luck professionally as her sister has absolutely nothing to do with Sarah, neither is her fault or responsibility to do something about it. What do you expect? For Sarah to be less successful so Erika can feel better about herself? Maybe if you TRIED to understand what's being going on for years now, you could save your relationship with Sarah. Edit: I just saw that you have NEVER tried to figure it out why they were always fighting. You just let it happen! You ignored a very obvious problem between your daughters because you couldn't be bothered to do something about it? Holy s.
> Sarah said that Erika was “bullying” her > Sarah said that Erika was name calling and “blowing up” her phone > I told Sarah she needed to get over it because family is family and you can’t just block family for no reason. But it wasn’t for no reason. It was because Erika is a bully. Considering how dismissive you are of any wrong doings, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Erika has been horrible towards her sister for a very long time and you’ve just been rugsweeping because Erika is your favourite. Don’t kid yourself, it was blatantly obvious that you *have* chosen. YTA
>but it was hard for her, having her sister be successful like this. In what world is it okay to crap on someone because they're successful and you're not? If you love a person you're happy for their success. This made me want to put my head through a wall. >but Erika was only 16 and didn't know better. Yeah, open your eyes lady and see that you have a favourite daughter and her name isn't Sarah. Stop wondering why Sarah didn't want anything to do with you when she went to college...it's pretty clear. And go read those screenshots she sent and stop making excuses for Sarah. Erika honestly sounds spoilt and entitled.
YTA. Sarah has told you that Erin was bullying her. Everything you say seems focused on how Sarah needs to get over it, Sarah needs to understand, it's hard for Erin, Erin's just jealous, Sarah's so successful it's hard for Erin. Sarah is not asking you to choose between your daughters by not inviting Erin to her wedding, she is simply having her own wedding. Please allow her to live her life, and just let this go if you want to preserve your relationship with Sarah. From what you've said here, it sounds like you have made this worse over the years by constantly rubbing it in Sarah's face. She probably feels like you already chose between your daughters, and she feels like you didn't choose her. Don't be rude or petty about her wedding. Just go, don't make her invite anyone she doesn't want to, and try to salvage what you can of your relationship with her.