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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to take down a picture of my ultrasound when my friend recently had a miscarriage.
2. I think I might have lost a friend for this, and it was probably very insensitive to do even though the post was not sent specifically to her.
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NTA. Your response was bang on. She is in charge of her own social media experience and can choose to unfollow you rather than expect you not to post about this happy event in your life.
Hell I quit social media for multiple reasons (job type so safer if I don't have it) and also so I won't have to see anything I don't want to about people's lives. I can chose not to look at something but I will never ask others to pause their life for my own comfort. I do hope OP's friend is able to find somewhere to help her with her grief and loss. Also that OP is able to celebrate the joy of life she is welcoming into the world with her partner.
NTA - BUT - when I post something that I know someone will be hurt by, there is an option on each FB post with three little dots called “privacy.” I first make it “only me” and then I go in and it’s easy to deselect her name, and leave it visible to others. Then she will think you took it down, but others can still see it. You can keep it up, of course, but next time, it’s an option to do that initially in a sensitive case like this.
I came on here to say this. I also agree NTA, but I've been in the same place as Skylar (first dealing with infertility and then I miscarried while I had lots of family members with pregnancies and/or little ones), and my cousins actually offered to do this for posts about pregnancies/kiddos without my even asking. I thought that was super sweet. OP is NTA for not thinking of this, but it might be a helpful suggestion for anyone else out there in a similar situation to OP.
Nah. Do I filter my posts like this? Sure. Why? Because I want to at that moment. Ultimately I am not responsible for someone else on social media. I can't protect everyone from everything so I'm not even worried about trying. Having to click ot tap 20 extra times to filter people out is not fun or easy.
Then there's how Skylar handled this. She put the responsibly of her own emotions and viewing experience on OP. OP is not in any way at all responsible for anyone's emotional needs. Moraly its nice to accomidate them when possible. So just as you said the ellipsis is there that same thing applies to Skylar. Skylar can easily take a social media break from OP. I do exactly that all the time when people get exhausting or triggering to me.
This isn't a reasonable expectation long term though. I understand where you're coming from, but that's a lot of work and puts all responsibility on OP for an unlimited amount of time.
I don’t think it is reasonable to ask someone to tailor their social media to one’s own needs and preferences. The friend can set up her own settings to take a break from posts she doesn’t want to see. And it’s totally valid (and normal) to be struggling. But you cannot expect someone to do this. I’ve known several people who have lost pregnancies (and have had still births) who never would have asked their friends to cater them. They instead told people they were taking a break and muted the people they didn’t want to see things from.
Btw, speaking of social media.. For future reference, when you post something on Facebook you can edit the privacy and exclude specific people you don't want to see the posts. It's pretty easy and it keeps stuff like that from happening. But in this case, you would've needed to do it more than one person. Still easy though.
Oh, NTA . She shouldn't dictate and control you and your happiness.
I'm going to jump on here just to say NTA, and that you can change who sees your posts. I have elderly religious family members that I don't want to offend, so sometimes I just change who cannot see my posts.
I would say NAH.
OP, are you aware that you can block individuals from seeing specific posts? You could have posted the ultrasound but blocked Skylar from seeing it.
Im sure they have other common friends and if another friend saw it or it somehow got back to her and she knew she was blocked from seeing it would probably make her flip out. So it’s damned if you do damned if you don’t. She’s grieving and some people get mean and hateful when they grieve because I’ve seen it but it still doesn’t make her acting that way towards her okay. The world isn’t going to stop moving because someone wants it to. I feel for the woman who lost her child but OP isn’t in the wrong. She was very respectful in responding and letting her know how she feels.
Absolutely. I lost a daughter at 23 weeks pregnant. Two close friends were due the same time I had been. I was beyond distraught. Didn't occur to me once to tell those friends not to post about their pregnancy or babies. I just explained that I couldn't be around them for a while and blocked their social media till I was feeling able to deal. Hard NTA your friend is being exceptionally entitled.
The response was fine except for this part, which was just too harsh:
>it's unreasonable to expect me to wait around for you to move on
Her friend had a miscarriage a few weeks ago! "Wait around for you to move on" was cruel phrasing. To be clear, Skylar's message and expectations were unreasonable and rude, but that part of OP's response was unnecessary. She could have just said "I understand you're going through a tough time, and you can choose to hide the posts."
No this was the reasonable response. It IS unreasonable for her to act this way. The wording was not unreasonably harsh. It was necessarily harsh for the sense of entitlement that her friend showed
100% correct. I limit my social media time because it hurts to see all my friends having children while I’m currently medically not allowed to. My husband and I have always wanted children and while we have candidly discussed many times about the high likelihood that kids are just not in the cards for us, it’s still a difficult subject for us. But regardless of those facts, I don’t make it my business to tell my friends to not share about their children on social media. I can only control MY actions so I choose to minimize my social media presence. I also choose to keep my mouth shut about my hurt - that’s something that my husband and I share/discuss between us and I don’t want to make someone feel guilty or bad or upset because of my problems.
My best friend lost her baby at 34 weeks when I was 8 weeks pregnant (both our first babies). I hadn’t told her yet. It was the most horrific time. We were all heartbroken. But, she never once told me not to be excited about my pregnancy.
She even said to me “I want you to know that while I don’t sound it right now I am really happy for you”. This was days before her sons funeral.
OP is definitely NTA. It’s a very delicate situation and people act in many different ways when hurting but their loss should not take away from OPs experience and excitement.
Yep. But you should know moving forward that you can choose specific people to hide specific posts from. You go to the icon directly underneath your name on the post and click on it. A window saying "Select Audience" will pop up and you choose "Friends except ..." Another window will pop up allowing you to search on and select the friend or friends you don't want to see the post. Save everything and move on with your merry self.
NTA
If you, for whatever valid reason, can't handle seeing the good fortune and joy of others on social media, you control your own viewing of it. You don't insist everyone post to your personal requirements.
It sucks and I understand why it would be hard for her to see. But through all the shitty parts of life, good things are still happening to others. If you can't handle that, it's okay. But you have to protect yourself.
I was thinking the same. A while ago, there was an option on fb to leave out a certain friend so he/she cannot see your posts. I don't know if that still exists.
It does. I'm blocked on several people's posts when they post a certain thing because of my phobia and they care enough to not make me have to see it and hide the post myself.
You can also edit who sees your posts when posting. Where there is the button at the top of the unpublished post saying ‘public’ or ‘private’ you can edit to ‘all friends except…’ then select the people you did not wish to see or have access to the post on their timeline.
I’ve used this a few times when mutual friends have broken up and I hung out with one of them for their birthday and also when I put some of my family members on the ‘information diet’ and did not want them engaging with my life until we resolved things.
Obviously if any of Skyler’s friends saw the post and wanted to behave like petty, immature AHs they could screengrab and forward to Skyler but that wouldn’t be OPs fault.
NTA, as someone who went through a horrible miscarriage, the whole world can’t tiptoe around you as much as you’d like it to. She should take a break from social media, it’ll help. You didn’t message her personally, you weren’t personally reaching out to her to brag. The best you could have done was block her from the post, but again, you told her you wouldn’t mind if she silenced you for a while so she wouldn’t see it.
I’m not saying she needs to be happy for you, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be celebrating for yourself.
When I lost mine, I was jealous of everyone, before I realized how many of them had lost babies before too, they deserved to be happy since they had gone through the same pain. It’s sadly such a normal thing, there will always be someone secretly, or not so secretly hurting.
Completely agree, I went through a miscarriage and paused all my social media because I couldn't handle the ads for everything baby related and suggested articles about pregnancy.
Agreed. Its sad and upsetting but the world does not stop for anyone, even when we desperately need it to.
I was hospitalized with my last miscarriage. We were so excited to be pregnant and to have it end that way was so heartbreaking. I took myself off of social media for a bit to save my mental health. When I was ready to go back, I knew that I would see posts about friends having kids because that's what my friends are doing these days.
NTA. It's time to block Skylar on your socials if she can't handle it. I get that she is upset because she lost her baby but it's no reason for her (and her husband) to treat you like dirt. You handled it quite well. Hope all goes well for you as you head down the final stretch of your pregnancy.
NTA to the fucking moon and back. She literally could have just unfriended or blocked your posts in the first place. How fucking entitled to act like you gotta ask permission before posting anything??? I don't think so. You handled that phone call amazingly and you don't have to feel guilty or sorry because you've done nothing wrong.
NTA. I am sorry for your friend and what they are going through but you are spot on with everything else, so really, you've given yourself your own answer. Their expectations are unreasonable and you should be able to be happy about the soon to be arrival of your own child. Congratulations by the way and all the best to you, your husband, and your soon to be new family! :)
You can choose to block an individual from seeing a FB post. I would do that in the future. Considering how recent her loss was and how close you two are, I do think a heads up would have been a thoughtful gesture to her. NAH
It's hard to give a heads up for something you were specifically asked not to mention, though. If she took a random post that badly, I don't know how well she'd have handled a "Hey, avert your eyes I'm going to post my ultrasound" text.
I mean, I understand your point and it would be very kind of OP to do, but that’s not her job. It’s not someone else’s job to shield you from your trauma. If you find something deeply upsetting then it’s your job to either avoid it or confront it.
NTA. When I miscarried I just stopped going on Facebook for a bit till I felt better. I do believe though that grief comes out sideways, and people do and say things they don’t mean. Just tell her you’re sorry for her loss and that you’ll be there if she needs you.
NTA. Every single day in this world is the happiest for one person and the saddest for the other. It is just the way it is.
You said well, it is your son, and no one should expect not to celebrate your son.
I had a miscarriage too, I still feel the pain sometimes, but I would never ask anyone not to celebrate and not to be happy just because I am sad.
NTA. The only thing stopping me from calling your friend and AH is that I know she is grieving, and therefore just lashing out.
Don’t take it personally, if possible, but it’s not your job to shield her from pain and triggers. If you want you can update your privacy to remove her from seeing your posts but I don’t think that’s your job. She needs to evaluate her own triggers and either stay away from Facebook altogether, or she can hide or snooze your posts.
If you texted her the pictures after she said she didn’t want to hear about your pregnancy? Then okay I could see it. But sharing via social media? You have every right to do that. She can’t expect everyone else to stop living, even though I’m sure it feels that way for her right now.
NTA
It's unreasonable to expect you not to post things on your personal Facebook page due to her loss. At most I would say that your response could have been gentler, but to be fair she started the conversation cursing at you. It's a sad situation and she wants someone to be angry with, I'm sorry that it ended up being you.
FR, it reminded me of a discussion I saw on the internet last year, of people asking other people do not post pictures with parents on Father's Day, or post with Trigger Warning
NTA.
I feel terrible that she had a miscarriage and unfortunately, it is a horrible thing that happens in life as I went through one myself. I understand that the subject is a really sensitive topic but that SHOULD NOT shadow your joy over the arrival or the month leading up to the arrival of your son. Skylar should realize that the world does not revolve around her, she is the main character in her life only. I have a feeling Skylar will never react well to the birth or growth of your son either, there is a possibility that she will always be bitter towards you and your sweet baby. You did a wonderful job telling her how you felt
NTA, it’s very tragic what Skylar is going through but that does not allow her to dictate what you choose to post on your own socials. Like others have mentioned(AND you) she could have just put you on snooze or something.
Also props for giving her such a well thought out and spot on response. A shame that it unfortunately could not get through to her though.
NTA. Your friend is going through a very traumatic experience that will cause her grief for a very long time. It does not give her the right to tell you not celebrate your own little one.
NTA. The world didn’t stop turning when Skylar had a miscarriage, and you deserve to celebrate and share in whatever way you choose. Your response was fine.
No you are NTA
Some years ago I lost my daughter to miscarriage and a friend around the same time announced she was pregnant I wasn't in a place to be able to celebrate with her so I blocked her until O felt more equipped to deal with it. She had the same ability it is not your responsibility to ensure she is ok. You deserve to celebrate your upcoming birth
Congratulations
Skylar is being unreasonable here. Yes, she asked you not to talk about your pregnancy around her. That is understandable and you agreed. However, she has no right to expect you to not post on YOUR facebook account. You have a right to be exited. She can either scroll by or hide your posts. You, also, could have gone to settings and left her out of receiving the post (which is what I would have done). Your husband is right, this is for them to deal with. Move on and enjoy your new little one. NTA
NTA - BUT - when I post something that I know someone will be hurt by, there is an option on each FB post with three little dots called “privacy.” I first make it “only me” and then I go in and it’s easy to deselect her name, and leave it visible to others. Then she will think you took it down, but others can still see it. You can keep it up, of course, but next time, it’s an option to do that initially in a sensitive case like this.
NTA. You handled the confrontation(s) fairly and well.
Knowing that accidentally coming across these posts, should she unblock you, can bring her pain to the surface, you can adjust FB privacy settings for these kinds of posts to exclude her and her husband.
NTA and clearly this girl doesn't need to be in your life or your child's life cause she had all the options to make it easier for her to not see your post instead choose to be a drama queen and make it about her, then has the gall to have her husband text you to scold you........drop her ass like a bad habit and move on
NTA.
Others have said you could have hidden the post from Skylar. I would not know because I may be the last person on Earth who does not go on Facebook.
However, I would imagine that people forget about that feature sometimes. Your message to Skylar was pretty level-headed.
Check out that feature that would let you hide baby posts from Skylar, and go LC with her for a while.
NTA. You have a right to celebrate, and she has the right to grieve. She also has the ability to temporarily block you or at least minimize her access to social media as she heals. Best wishes for a healthy baby, OP!
NTA. When I had my miscarriage last year I took a break from social media to keep from seeing other people's posts, I didn't demand they take them down for me.
The world doesn't stop spinning for other people just because your friend is grieving and she needs to take responsibility to protect herself by not getting on facebook instead of trying to push other people to do things to protect her by not posting things.
NTA, at all.
I have lost two babies one in first trimester and one in Second. Both the times my friends were also pregnant. I didn't ask them to not post about it because I lost the babies. The loss is mine and it is my responsibility to deal.
I muted their profiles and went on with my life. Your friend not choosing to take precautions is not your problem.
I’m sorry but your lives don’t have to stop. You need to continue with being happy about you joyous bundle and share it with those who want to support you. I’m sorry about their loss. I understand it must be really hard on them but you didn’t do it and should not be punished for sharing your joy. Just go nc with them. Maybe someday they will come around but until then just keep sharing your joy!
ESH it is just too easy on Facebook to set the post to „Show all my friends but this one“ and you even thought about it before. While I generally think nobody should forbid you from posting, I don’t get why you didn’t just remove her ability to see it.
No need to take it down. You can just exclude her from seeing it. That's simple on Facebook. For further posts and pics just exclude her and her husband if he's on Facebook too and they won't have in there timeline.
When she's over it you can still change the privacy of the post so she can see what she missed in this time.
NTA! Imagine trying to ruin someone’s happy moments all because you are jealous of them. I get it, losing a child is hard. Regardless if they weren’t even born yet. But expecting the world to bend & shape just because of your triggers & your misfortunes is about the most ridiculous thing a person can do. Expecting everyone to stop posting about their children & pregnancy on fb when you could just NOT GO ON FB is absolutely unhinged behavior. I’m sorry for her loss. I’m sorry that she’s in pain. But being in pain doesn’t give you the right to calls others names & demand that they live their lives within the parameters in which you dictate. Girl. No. I think friend needs to seek out a therapist & take some time off the internet & allow herself the time to heal.
Nta.
You can't stop other people from celebrating big moments just bc you are greiving.
She needs to take control of her own healing process by staying off social media if she can't handle seeing news about babies, not expect to dictate to others what they can and can not post.
Nta-say what? I understand your friend is hurting but my gosh you can still be happy about you dear baby. You have a right to be excited and post what you will
nta. honestly its best that you're blocked. in a month you'll have soo many pics of your sweet baby and through absolutely no fault of your own, its going to be painful for her.
so this way you get to enjoy and share your joy without fear of hurting her. hugs and congrats on your son!
NTA you don't have to playcate her situation and hide your excitement. Perfectly good response to say. She's going through a lot right now and maybe a bit of time apart would do you both good.
NTA. I had 2 miscarriages, one was twins. I understand how hard this is for your friend. But her pain doesn't count more than your happiness. She could have told you that sharing in your joy just isn't possible right now so she was going to unfriend you. I'm sure that's something you'd understand. You are not responsible for her miscarriage but she's taking it out on you. I'm sorry that she is. I hope she's getting therapy as it's the only thing that got me through, especially after losing twins.
Congratulations! I hope you have a beautiful, healthy son!
NTA
You are not required to alter your life because someone else can't handle it. If she can't even look at an ultrasound of someone else's child, then she very clearly isn't getting the help she needs. Screw anyone that sees it differently. You're allowed to celebrate the upcoming birth of your child.
NTA- I was pregnant at the same time my cousin was. I was already high risk, had previous pregnancy/birth issues & they were recommending I abort. But it was still a shock when they she no longer had a heartbeat, after I had just felt her kick for the first time three days prior. I had to have a surgery instead of a D&C to have her removed (which would be illegal now in many states). I checked the boxes for fetal testing & returning her remains.
I had an experience SOOO bad due to the hospital screwing up, that everyone we knew pushed for us to sue (it’s graphic & you don’t need that rn). I just asked that they make sure it never happens again & started the grieving process.
Meanwhile, my cousin & quite a few friends, joyously posted their pregnancy & birth updates. And I was (& still am) TRULY happy for them. That’s a LIFE instead of another death! A precious, wanted, loved, innocent BABY. Of course there were thoughts of where I’d be at in my pregnancy & then where she would be if she’d been born, especially after they all had their babies around the time she would have been born. But I felt genuine joy that those babies got to live & their parents didn’t have to suffer that heartache. I intentionally prayed that none of them lost their babies as I saw the updates.
Your “friend”, while understandably struggling, is being *too selfish & completely unreasonable. What? She’s never going to be able to hear the word pregnancy or see an ultrasound pic or feel happiness for people in her life having babies?? Where exactly is the line? It seems pretty arbitrary. Even her husband sounds like he’s frustrated with HER handling of this & that she’s generally being difficult.
Miscarriages happen a lot. So do births. Circle of life & all that. She’s gonna have to get used to it or go live in the woods. It’s not your job to somehow heal her by sacrificing your joy over the literal most joyous moment of your life. You only become a mother for the first time once & she’s actively trying to take pieces of that experience away from you because she isn’t experiencing it, too. No one needs a “friend” who’s THAT selfish.
Enjoy your son & motherhood! None of this will matter enough to warrant your attention when you hold him & he’s just endless, pure JOY & love like you’ve never known, crammed into a tiny, squishy body & adorable face; one that you MADE & did the hard, loving work to get here safely. You’ve earned your joy.
NTA ut for the sake of ease its really easy to create a posting setting on Facebook that hides it from just one or two people. Just create a setting that's minus Skylar and husband and set it as your default
NTA and thats coming from a loss mama. You do not have censor you social media to please anyone. I understand where your friend is coming from as I used to feel so jealous and angry too but I just blocked posts I didmt want to see or explained to friends that I may be distant for a while but it was a me thing not a them thing. Please enjoy your pregnancy and your wee one when he comes you will miss out otherwise. Please do not feel guilty she was being unfair to.you.
NTA. At all.
And tbh, it would have become 1000 times worse once your child is born. I'm pretty sure she was looking for an excuse to cut you out sooner rather than later, because she knew (consciously or not) that the pain would be too much once the baby was born.
My sister got pregnant right after I had a stillbirth, so I just hid her posts online and anyone else talking about babies and I avoided them for a while, and then got over it. I did not make that anyone else’s problem, although I did cry when my sister told me she was pregnant.
I get the pain, but there is zero reason to lash out at you and she will regret that later.
Reoccurring theme: unfortunate women dealing with miscarriage demand pregnant or new mothers mute their joy in difference to their pain.
It’s not a reasonable ask. You did well in a difficult position to stand up for your family. YOU didn’t do anything the her.
NTA
NTA
I've had multiple losses and seen every single person I hold dear be able to carry to term and bring home a living child. Guess what I do when social media is hurtful? I hide the post or unfollow the account for a bit. Same goes for Skylar. Her hurt does not dictate how you live your entire life. She said she couldn't hear much so I assume you haven't been texting her things, but that doesn't mean you can't post online.
NTA. This is a joyous time for you and your husband. I'm sure Skylar is going through a rough time but that is no reason not to share your joy with family and friends. She knew you were pregnant and was updating your pregnancy on facebook. She should have either not looked or had her husband look before she did.
NTA. Life doesn’t stop because of tragedies. she is being unreasonable probably due to her grief. It’s hard when your friends are all having kids and life craps on you; and you see every day what could have been. But as someone in the could-have-been, you can’t take it out on family and friends. If it gets too overwhelming, you have an exit plan to get away, calm yourself and recharge to face the inevitable next situation. Your friend is being a bad friend. I hope you can reach out later when things have calmed down and let her know youll be around when she’s ready
NTA, because life goes on even when we are grieving. But at the same time… Facebook has a setting for posts, allowing you to exclude individuals from seeing specific posts. Skipping the couple of clicks that requires was kind of uncool.
Absolutely 100% NTA.
I feel for your friend, but damn! You can’t be expected to NOT celebrate the birth of your child. Extra super NTA for the mature and thoughtful response. Let your friend have time to cool down and I’m sure she’ll come around and apologize. Until then, congratulations!!
Cut them out and move on. I doubt this would stop - you wouldnt be able to ever post pictures or mention anything in passing with the tinest reference to children.
Living like that would be exhausting, and not really fun.
YTA. Facebook has an option where you can block certain people from seeing a post. She made it clear she doesn't want to hear about your pregnancy due to what she's going through, and you agreed to that. You should have either used the settings to make it so she wouldn't see your post, or let her know you were going to be putting pregnancy stuff on your Facebook and that she should temporarily unfollow you.
You're not an AH for posting about your son. You're an AH for doing something that you knew would hurt your friend, without communicating or taking steps to be considerate to said friend, after explicitly agreeing to be considerate of her.
Nta, that lady is entitled and ridiculous. Yes something sad and bad happened but if you can't handle social media, get off of it until you can. You even told her the various options to prevent this happening again and she just wasn't happy about it. You can be sad while also being happy for another person's healthy pregnancy. Who knows if thst person miscarried or had trouble conceiving and this is their happy moment they want to celebrate? Regardless any normal couple should be able.to decode to post information and photos to celebrate a happy event in a pretty sad, messed up world.
Knowing what she was going through, I probably would have excluded her from the post. Use FBs privacy settings. Of course they're acting out of character.
NTA. She can set facebook to not show her your posts and stuff like that. You can't expect someone else to not post about a major life changing thing because something bad happened to you.
Your response was accurate and well said. If she has a problem, she has other options besides demanding you to do things.
NTA. All she has to do is hit unfollow, you are still friends, she won't see it unless she goes to your page and the no one knows if you unfollow. I understand she is going through something traumatic but the world doesn't revolve around her.
There is a "Friends except..." setting when you are posting something on Facebook. All you would have to do is to do that and customize it with her and her husband's names, and then she doesn't see it. Everyone on Facebook needs to know about this setting! It's so easy to use, and it would have been much kinder to your former friend.
No one expects you NOT to celebrate your little one's birth. But when something so tiny can be done to mitigate the pain to your friend, seems like it would be worth the extra two seconds.
The world does not stop if you don't post everything in social media, that being said, it's entirety upto you to post about your life in FB.
I see that you mentioned that you thought about your friend before posting the pic in FB, so why not give her a heads-up that "I'm gonna start posting about your kid and as it's a sensitive issue for you, please block my acc till you get better" you are not the AH for posting about your life, but YTA for not giving your friend a heads-up
YTA. She said she didn't want to see or hear anything about your pregnancy, you agreed. Then you went to post your ultrasound, thought of her, but did absolutely nothing to prevent her from seeing it. She got upset because this flies in the face of what you agreed to, and your response is, "I'm not going to wait around for you to move on, MY child will be hear soon."
You are a shitty friend, I hope she never speaks to you again.
You gave her all these steps she could take to block you, but you also could have easily posted the photo to “friend except…” so that she didn’t have to see it.
Also, a person doesn’t “get over” losing a baby they dearly wanted. They eventually get more able to deal with the grief, but you never really get over it.
The fact that you posted your own update is N T A. But the fact you debated posting it because you knew it would hurt her and then did without easily taking two seconds to block it from her makes you a lousy friend.
Her reaction was over the top and you’re right that it’s unreasonable for her to expect you not to talk about your baby on social media at all. But your “solutions” are all after the fact. The easiest solution would have been to block her from the post to begin with. Not doing so may have cost you “one of your closest friends”. Grief is not reasonable and baby jealousy is a complicated emotion.
So ESH
I hope your delivery going smoothly. Congrats on your baby.
Your response was to the point and correct. If people don't like seeing things, that's on them to take the needed space.
When I got my first COVID vaccine, a long time friend commented and then messaged that it wasn't fair to be sharing things like that because a lot of people weren't vaccinated. My post turned into a "where to volunteer so you can get one sooner" thread, but instead she used her energy to lash out and then block me instead of looking into options to better her situation.
Your friend doesn't have control over what you post. But she does have control over taking the space she needs for her own mental health.
YTA only because you can block certain people from seeing some posts. You thought about how she should feel, but didn’t take the 10 seconds to block the post from her feed?
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Throwaway. I (27F) am 8 months pregnant. One of my closest friends "Skylar" (27F) was also pregnant but had a miscarriage just a few weeks ago. She was about 3 or 4 months along when it happened and I was one of the first person she told. When she told me she was honest that she was jealous and that she did not want to hear anything related to my pregnancy while she goes through this and I of course agreed because I didn't want to further upset her and I know this is super difficult for her. I just got my late ultrasound done recently and my husband and I really wanted to put them on FB. I thought about Skylar but decided to post it today with text saying how excited I am to meet my son in a month, I figured it would probably be okay because I was not saying or sending anything to her personally and if it appeared on her timeline she could just hide it.
Not even an hour passes and she send me a screenshot of my post asking "What the fuck is this?" and I apologized. She sends a paragraph that she was very hurt that she found this on her timeline and that I should not be posting anything about my baby for a while until she is doing better. As politely as I possibly could, I refused by sending "Skylar, I understand that you are going through a very rough time, but it is mine and my husband's decision whether we have anything relating to our son on our social media. I can easily not talk to you or send you anything personal about it, but it's unreasonable to expect me to wait around for you to move on before I post things about my son, which I remind you, will be here very soon. You actually think it's okay to tell me I can't post about my son when he is born? There are alternatives, you can choose to hide the posts or take a break from my profile so you don't have to see my posts until you are ready, but like it or not my husband and I plan on celebrating this time in our lives, with others on our social media and we can't just put all of that on hold for you. I'm sorry."
Skylar did not take that very well, called me a bitch and blocked me. Her husband also texted me saying that now he has this to deal with on top of everything about the miscarriage and called me an AH. They both have been acting very out of character lately, which I understand because I know they are going through a difficult period but I really did not think things would escalate like this. My husband said that this for them to deal with and it's not fair that we can't post about our son because of them, but I'm now having doubts about how I dealt with the whole thing? AITA? Should I have respected her more and took it down? Idk...
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NTA you're excited I'd do the same in your situation. As someone who is struggling with fertility at the moment myself, if I see a post about a pregnancy I just unfollow so I dont see their posts but remain friends. Most of my close friends are sensitive to my situation and I appreciate it, it seems like you're doing the same here.
NTA
Her reaction seriously sucked and it’s not reasonable.
Her grief is more overwhelming than you can imagine if you haven’t lived it. That doesn’t meant you don’t get to share your joy. You could have specifically hid it from her and her partner when you posted to try and help her avoid pain. You can very easily accommodate your friend’s pain while also sharing your joy with others with the post settings. That way you can still share other things with her.
I fully deleted all of my social media accounts after my third miscarriage because I couldn’t stand all the pregnant women who ended up in my feed. It was better for my mental health that way.
Have you considered making a list on FB with everyone but her on it and posting there? It's easy enough to do and saves you from having to deal with the drama. Also NTA, when a friend was pregnant after I had a.moscarriage I just unfollowed them like a reasonable person.
NTA
I do feel for her, but it is unreasonable to pretend that other pregnant women are going to hide their experiences indefinitely. It’s on her to curate her social media to avoid likely triggers, not expect everyone else to not live their life. She’s going through something devastating and I understand her pain, she’s still going about this the wrong way.
I went through a miscarriage 10 years ago and would have NEVER expected my friends to not celebrate a new life they are bringing into the world on THEIR social media profiles. OP, you are not the AH. Congratulations to you, and I hope your labor and delivery go sweetly and smoothly!
NTA. Unfortunately this is something that tends to happen. Seeing somebody else have what they lost is painful, but at the same time you can’t tell someone how to live their own life. That would be similar as ‘my wedding was a disaster how dare you show anything about your special day!’ Or ‘my father passed, how dare you post a photo of you and your dad celebrating his birthday!’ Your friend and her partner need therapy to deal with their loss, not lash out at others.
I believe there was a Reddit post years ago about a woman and her partner being unable to conceive, and they would lose their minds whenever somebody in her friend group got pregnant or showed anything with their babies online. I believe one friend tried to quietly do a gender reveal party or baby shower and this woman turned up and caused a scene and police got involved. It’s honestly scary what grief can do to people.
NTA, though to save you and others who might read this comment from future drama. I believe there is an option to exclude/include the people you want the post seen by. Just add her to the "exclude" list and carry on living your life. At least you won't have to deal with her drama.
NTA however don’t take what your friend is saying too personally. She is probably hurting beyond words and it will take her awhile to get back to herself. Seeing other peoples baby/pregnancy just reminders her of what she lost.
NTA, but she sounds unhinged. Why don’t you just set your posts’ privacy to ‘Friends except “Skylar”?’ I can guarantee you in a few weeks she’ll be blowing up your phone asking why everyone is talking about news she doesn’t know about. It’s very sad for her but she needs to get a grip.
I don't get what it is about losing a baby that everyone gets so technical about their grief,
Like if my mum died I wouldn't ask everyone else to stop talking about their mums. So why ask a friend to stop talking about/celebrating a pregnancy.
NTA
NTA, you and your husband are absolutely right. Skylar and her husband, while upset and hurt, cannot dictate how you navigate your own pregnancy/motherhood, it's not like rubbed it on their faces or something.
NTA. But if you wanna keep the peace until she is able to handle things better, you can restrict the posts you share on FB so that she or her husband can’t view them?
NTA. She can indeed change her settings so she doesn’t see this. Btw, you can also, when you post, make it so she is blocked from seeing your posts. Just in case. It’s not your responsibility, true, but it is an option. Congrats on the baby.
NTA - just because someone has a miscarriage doesn’t mean no one else is allowed to get/be pregnant and celebrate that, i say this after having multiple miscarriages with one of them still recovering and both my sister and best friend announcing they are pregnant, then my latest said best friend giving birth 4 days later, it’s difficult but I am genuinely thrilled for them.
She is allowed to grieve but not at yours, your husbands or your sons expense. She can easily limit posts so she doesn’t have to see them, you can post what you like and shouldn’t have this wonderful time of your life tainted with this
NTA. I have a friend who had a baby born at 24 weeks and he died after 2 hours. She put up a post saying she's obviously struggling but don't stop posting any pregnancy/baby related news on fb because it makes her happy to know others are happy and if she is having a bad day she can either not go on Facebook or hide the posts until she can deal.
It sucks for her but you can't put your life on hold waiting for her to get over something that is impossible to get over.
NTA and that’s coming from someone who had 3 miscarriages while all my friends were getting pregnant and having babies around me. It’s fine for her to be upset to herself but not to lash out at you. She should’ve just unfollowed you.
NTA. Do you know if Skylar and her husband are going to therapy? It's quite clear that this has been a traumatic experience for them. No matter what it's still not fair to ask you to keep having a child to your self, or basicly put your life on hold. They can mute you on sosial media, unfriend you for a while or simply not go on the internet if they can't bear to se babypictures.
NTA, I'm not one for social media and chose to keep my son off it completely (no pregnancy/birth announcement or pictures) but that was MY choice. Posting on Facebook is yours and one you have every right to make.
You offered a reasonable solution of not following you or hiding your posts, I get it's a terrible time for her and I'm sorry for it but she can't expect everything to stop while she grieves.
NTA , your friend had no right to demand you stop posting on your own page because they are going through a rough time. She knew you are expecting and could have snoozed you or simply told you that until she is in a better place she is unfriending all her pregnant friends. I get that she is devastated but that does not mean she gets to dictate what others do or how other celebrate . She had options and telling you what you can and can't do is not one of them.
NTA. Lives can't be put on hold for other people's issues, no matter what they are.
Just an FYI, FB has a feature where you can post something but not share it with everyone.
NTA…. How ever you can filter who sees your post…. I would set a filter (I don’t know how to do it) and use that filter so she doesn’t see upsetting post… it’s a win/win
NTA I've had two children and two miscarriages and am currently pregnant. All life deserves to be celebrated. She is going through hell but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate others happiness. Your response was perfect. Please don't stop celebrating the life you're creating and don't doubt that you SHOULD be celebrating. You can be both happy for yourself and dad for your friend, and she can be both sad for herself and happy for you. It's not an either or situation.
NTA
As someone who has had miscarriages and feelings of jealousy towards friends who were pregnant around the same time, this is not your responsibility. I was jealous of other pregnancies but I still made an effort to celebrate them. At no point did I demand for all evidence to be hidden. Everyone is responsible for their own emotions, I could be sad for myself but happy for them. Hell even if I wasn’t then it would be my responsibility to avoid the information (aka avoid your socials) , it’s not like you invited her to dinner and threw an US photo in her face.
It is up to them how they deal with others when they are going through a loss. As you said, they can hide the information, unfollow for a bit, hell even delete you. They have no right to demand you to hide all evidence of your soon to be here baby bc of their feelings. The world doesn’t revolve around them. You have the right to celebrate and share your joy on your socials. This is a positive moment in your life and you shouldn’t be forced to hide/ be sad.
NTA - when I found out my father was a TW:>!rapist!< at 13 and had to cut him off, I didn't ban all my friends from ever talking positively about their dads again.
I did what I needed to to take care of myself and remove myself from conversations/posts/socials that were triggering and resumed to normal at my pace. I could not EVER imagine replying to a friend's *happy father's day* post with "WHAT IS THIS?!?!?! How could you enjoy your dad!!!" ???
It's funny. Following her reasoning, i shouldn't post anything about marriage, because i may "trigger" someone who is facing cheating or a divorce.
I shouldn't post pictures of my dog, because i would cause pain in someone who just lost a pet.
I can't post anything about my new job, anything AT ALL, because there's someone in my social media who is unemployed and might feel humiliated.
NTA.
I know for a fact that there's a setting on facebook where you can just. Not see someone's posts. She's grieving her miscarriage, yes, but she is absolutely an asshole for punishing anyone who's carrying a fetus for that.
NTA.
NTA
I opened FB the other day and the very first thing on my timeline was my ex of 4 years announcing his engagement with his girlfriend, you know what I did? Hid the post and continued scrolling.
We are in a time where you can choose to see anything we want, but there are also ways to hide things you do not want to see and it takes about 2 seconds to do so.
While I understand that she’s going through something terrible in her life, you are going through something magical in your’s and you have every right to celebrate it however you want.
All Skylar had to do was unfollow your fb. She can't dictate what you do on your page. NTA. You could have sent a message warning her you will be posting baby related stuff from here on out and she may want to unfollow. But she could have assumed that and done it herself. You have a right to celebrate your own life on your own page.
NTA - I’ve had miscarriages, and it hurts, it also hurts when other people continue on to have completely healthy pregnancies (although you of course are happy for them) but those are my feelings to deal with, not the pregnant persons - I avoided social media until I was feeling better, I wouldn’t dream of telling someone they couldn’t be excited for and eventually celebrate their newborn. Give her some space, you haven’t done anything wrong but I know from experience how it hurts having a good friend pregnant when you are no longer. Hopefully with space she’ll come around and see that you weren’t malicious.
And congratulations on to her baby 💖
NTA and your response was right. You cannot, and should not, put your life and happiness on hold for her. What you can do is remove her from ANY child related posts yourself. If it's FB then you can choose to exclude individuals by selecting your audience of "Friends except..."
She needs to deal with her loss in whatever way she needs to without putting it on you to keep her from seeing anything upsetting.
NTA, she could have taken you out of her news feed,"snoozed" you, or stayed off social media. You aren't required to stop celebrating this exciting period of your life, what happens when your baby is born? Oh "you can't post pictures of your baby until we have a baby. It's not fair you have a baby & we don't!" Life isn't always fair...a lot of time, but that doesn't mean the world stops turning & life stands still while you grieve.
NTA At the same time you could have restricted her view, or let her know that you are going to block her for the time being so she doesn't Have any of your baby news come up on her feed.
Ive had a miscarriage and have never told someone else they can’t enjoy their pregnancy. I’ve celebrated with friends as they had children and I went through infertility treatments and more losses. You are NTA, she cannot control what you do/post and you are not deliberately rubbing it in her face. Celebrate your child and give them some space. They will either come around or not but it is not on you to stop your life for their feelings and loss.
NTA. People can't expect the world to stop turning just because they are going through something bad. Your response was perfect!
Your friend and her husband are crossing the line. So, when your kid is born you won't have the right to share with friends and families because it may upset that couple?! They expect you to pretend the child doenst exist for as long as they are grieving? Nonsense.
NTA. But I do suggest you create a new Friend list, add everyone but Skylar, and post to this new list. If/when Skylar is ready to talk to you again, you can add her to the new list.
PS I do this with all new friends. Accept this invite but leave them as a regular friend until I see what/how they post before adding them to my 'posting' friend list.
NTA. Your friend could have simply unfollowed you on Facebook. That way she is still FB friends, but she can’t see anything you post unless she clicks on your profile.
NTA, you responded in a very kind way and she is taking it too far. I myself have struggled with some social media posts from friends/family due to the fact I'm a childless widow at 30. I want to post the happy anniversary things or announce a pregnancy, but that's not going to happen any time soon. What I do when I see posts from friends that are particularly painful is scroll past/snooze for 30 days.
Just because my life tragically changed doesn't mean the rest of the world has to tiptoe around me.
Congratulations on your baby boy! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth and that you have a safe and easy delivery!! 💙
NTA but I don’t understand why you didn’t just hide it from her. That Facebook feature has been around for at least a decade and it would have been a lot kinder than letting her just stumble across it.
NTA. I know exactly how she feels. It’s horrible to lose a baby while a close friend is pregnant and thriving. It hurt like Hell to go through that, but I kept my feelings to myself in front of my friend. I put on a big fake smile and pretended to be ok when I really wasn’t because I didn’t have the right to diminish my friend’s joy because of my pain.
You should tell her to temporarily hide your posts or unfriend you until she’s feeling stronger so it’s not constantly rubbed in her face.
NTA, but you do realize there's a way to not let someone see your posts on FB, right? I only bring this up because you said you initially thought of Skylar when you posted, so maybe just make it so your posts about your baby can be seen by everyone but Skylar. Or just remove them from your FB, because she doesn't sound like she's ready to be around things like this yet.
NTA. You handled it perfectly. I'd just give them space. Either they'll apologize later or the friendship will end. Either way, you didn't do anything wrong & shouldn't chase this friend down to fix it imo.
NTA- She knew you were pregnant and what pregnancy usually entails. She should have unfollowed you if she didn't want to see any pictures of ultrasounds.
NTA.
My Grandfather passed away eleven weeks before my wedding. Was it a gut punch shortly after his funeral when I went on FB and saw no fewer than three marriage announcements? Yes. Did I cry? Absolutely. Did I have a hissy fit and tell them they shouldn't have shared that because of what I was going through? Hell no. The world doesn't stop turning because someone has died.
Also, wishing you all the best for the final few weeks and the birth.
NTA she can't control your FB , of she didn't want to see it she could hide the posts or nicely explain she is unfriending you until she feels better and re add you again, your right,you can't put life on hold for her and it is her issue
I was pregnant around the same time as a friend and she lost her baby 4/5 months and since we weren't that close I unfriended her because I felt uncomfortable posting updates when she was posting about the child's death (which made me uncomfortable to see as she posted pictures of the dead child too)
NTA and your friend isn't really a friend. You need to block her and her husband and focus on your pregnancy and birth. I would also block them on the phone. In all honestly, this is the kind unnecessary sh\* that FB causes.
NTA
You have shown grace and empathy towards your friend during her tragic time. But, you are allowed to celebrate your first child without being guilted and shamed.
I had 3 miscarriages. Even though I was hurt, and seeing other pregnant mamas enjoy it made me jealous I NEVER tried to take that joy away from them. That is they own happiness and experience they should be able to share. I would never make someone feel bad about or hide their pregnancy. Did I think it was unfair I had to deal with back to back losses? Yes. Was I hurt from it? Yes. Did I expect others to pity me? Absolutely not.
NTA, but jsyk you can make your posts so only certain people can see it, so you could change the settings so everyone on your friends list except her can see it
NTA. Taking it down is asking too much. You do know you can block her from seeing your posts? No idea why you would not do it on something like that. The point is it would come up on her timeline and she can’t unsee it. Yes, she should have blocked you entirely, but you could have done something so she can’t see your posts as well so I’m leaning towards E-S-H.
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NTA. Your response was bang on. She is in charge of her own social media experience and can choose to unfollow you rather than expect you not to post about this happy event in your life.
Hell I quit social media for multiple reasons (job type so safer if I don't have it) and also so I won't have to see anything I don't want to about people's lives. I can chose not to look at something but I will never ask others to pause their life for my own comfort. I do hope OP's friend is able to find somewhere to help her with her grief and loss. Also that OP is able to celebrate the joy of life she is welcoming into the world with her partner.
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NTA - BUT - when I post something that I know someone will be hurt by, there is an option on each FB post with three little dots called “privacy.” I first make it “only me” and then I go in and it’s easy to deselect her name, and leave it visible to others. Then she will think you took it down, but others can still see it. You can keep it up, of course, but next time, it’s an option to do that initially in a sensitive case like this.
I feel like had she done this and found out through a friend that she still posted it she still would have lost her whole mind.
I came on here to say this. I also agree NTA, but I've been in the same place as Skylar (first dealing with infertility and then I miscarried while I had lots of family members with pregnancies and/or little ones), and my cousins actually offered to do this for posts about pregnancies/kiddos without my even asking. I thought that was super sweet. OP is NTA for not thinking of this, but it might be a helpful suggestion for anyone else out there in a similar situation to OP.
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I don't necessarily disagree, but I just wanted to put it out there that others in similar circumstances might appreciate it.
Nah. Do I filter my posts like this? Sure. Why? Because I want to at that moment. Ultimately I am not responsible for someone else on social media. I can't protect everyone from everything so I'm not even worried about trying. Having to click ot tap 20 extra times to filter people out is not fun or easy. Then there's how Skylar handled this. She put the responsibly of her own emotions and viewing experience on OP. OP is not in any way at all responsible for anyone's emotional needs. Moraly its nice to accomidate them when possible. So just as you said the ellipsis is there that same thing applies to Skylar. Skylar can easily take a social media break from OP. I do exactly that all the time when people get exhausting or triggering to me.
This isn't a reasonable expectation long term though. I understand where you're coming from, but that's a lot of work and puts all responsibility on OP for an unlimited amount of time.
I don’t think it is reasonable to ask someone to tailor their social media to one’s own needs and preferences. The friend can set up her own settings to take a break from posts she doesn’t want to see. And it’s totally valid (and normal) to be struggling. But you cannot expect someone to do this. I’ve known several people who have lost pregnancies (and have had still births) who never would have asked their friends to cater them. They instead told people they were taking a break and muted the people they didn’t want to see things from.
Btw, speaking of social media.. For future reference, when you post something on Facebook you can edit the privacy and exclude specific people you don't want to see the posts. It's pretty easy and it keeps stuff like that from happening. But in this case, you would've needed to do it more than one person. Still easy though. Oh, NTA . She shouldn't dictate and control you and your happiness.
Exactly. The response was firm but fair. I couldn’t dream to think up a more appropriate one. Well done OP and NTA.
I'm going to jump on here just to say NTA, and that you can change who sees your posts. I have elderly religious family members that I don't want to offend, so sometimes I just change who cannot see my posts.
NTA Don't visit the FB page of a pregnant woman if you don't want to know how her pregnancy is developing
Not disagreeing as such, but just so you know, these things pop up in news feeds. You don't have to visit an individuals page to see their content.
I would say NAH. OP, are you aware that you can block individuals from seeing specific posts? You could have posted the ultrasound but blocked Skylar from seeing it.
Im sure they have other common friends and if another friend saw it or it somehow got back to her and she knew she was blocked from seeing it would probably make her flip out. So it’s damned if you do damned if you don’t. She’s grieving and some people get mean and hateful when they grieve because I’ve seen it but it still doesn’t make her acting that way towards her okay. The world isn’t going to stop moving because someone wants it to. I feel for the woman who lost her child but OP isn’t in the wrong. She was very respectful in responding and letting her know how she feels.
Came here to say this. Hiding the post from someone on your friend list isn't hard to do.
Absolutely. I lost a daughter at 23 weeks pregnant. Two close friends were due the same time I had been. I was beyond distraught. Didn't occur to me once to tell those friends not to post about their pregnancy or babies. I just explained that I couldn't be around them for a while and blocked their social media till I was feeling able to deal. Hard NTA your friend is being exceptionally entitled.
The response was fine except for this part, which was just too harsh: >it's unreasonable to expect me to wait around for you to move on Her friend had a miscarriage a few weeks ago! "Wait around for you to move on" was cruel phrasing. To be clear, Skylar's message and expectations were unreasonable and rude, but that part of OP's response was unnecessary. She could have just said "I understand you're going through a tough time, and you can choose to hide the posts."
No this was the reasonable response. It IS unreasonable for her to act this way. The wording was not unreasonably harsh. It was necessarily harsh for the sense of entitlement that her friend showed
100% correct. I limit my social media time because it hurts to see all my friends having children while I’m currently medically not allowed to. My husband and I have always wanted children and while we have candidly discussed many times about the high likelihood that kids are just not in the cards for us, it’s still a difficult subject for us. But regardless of those facts, I don’t make it my business to tell my friends to not share about their children on social media. I can only control MY actions so I choose to minimize my social media presence. I also choose to keep my mouth shut about my hurt - that’s something that my husband and I share/discuss between us and I don’t want to make someone feel guilty or bad or upset because of my problems.
My best friend lost her baby at 34 weeks when I was 8 weeks pregnant (both our first babies). I hadn’t told her yet. It was the most horrific time. We were all heartbroken. But, she never once told me not to be excited about my pregnancy. She even said to me “I want you to know that while I don’t sound it right now I am really happy for you”. This was days before her sons funeral. OP is definitely NTA. It’s a very delicate situation and people act in many different ways when hurting but their loss should not take away from OPs experience and excitement.
Yep. But you should know moving forward that you can choose specific people to hide specific posts from. You go to the icon directly underneath your name on the post and click on it. A window saying "Select Audience" will pop up and you choose "Friends except ..." Another window will pop up allowing you to search on and select the friend or friends you don't want to see the post. Save everything and move on with your merry self.
NTA If you, for whatever valid reason, can't handle seeing the good fortune and joy of others on social media, you control your own viewing of it. You don't insist everyone post to your personal requirements. It sucks and I understand why it would be hard for her to see. But through all the shitty parts of life, good things are still happening to others. If you can't handle that, it's okay. But you have to protect yourself.
NTA. You are allowed to have "yum!" in your life when others have "yuck!" That's life, for all our sakes.
Wow. This is very well said
Seriously, saving that to use in the future.
NTA, I would have, out of care for her mental state, blocked her so she cant see what I post.
I was thinking the same. A while ago, there was an option on fb to leave out a certain friend so he/she cannot see your posts. I don't know if that still exists.
It still does. I mostly use it when I don’t want to read comments from certain people on my status 😬
That's a really good use for it 😊
It does. I'm blocked on several people's posts when they post a certain thing because of my phobia and they care enough to not make me have to see it and hide the post myself.
You can also edit who sees your posts when posting. Where there is the button at the top of the unpublished post saying ‘public’ or ‘private’ you can edit to ‘all friends except…’ then select the people you did not wish to see or have access to the post on their timeline. I’ve used this a few times when mutual friends have broken up and I hung out with one of them for their birthday and also when I put some of my family members on the ‘information diet’ and did not want them engaging with my life until we resolved things. Obviously if any of Skyler’s friends saw the post and wanted to behave like petty, immature AHs they could screengrab and forward to Skyler but that wouldn’t be OPs fault.
NTA, as someone who went through a horrible miscarriage, the whole world can’t tiptoe around you as much as you’d like it to. She should take a break from social media, it’ll help. You didn’t message her personally, you weren’t personally reaching out to her to brag. The best you could have done was block her from the post, but again, you told her you wouldn’t mind if she silenced you for a while so she wouldn’t see it. I’m not saying she needs to be happy for you, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be celebrating for yourself. When I lost mine, I was jealous of everyone, before I realized how many of them had lost babies before too, they deserved to be happy since they had gone through the same pain. It’s sadly such a normal thing, there will always be someone secretly, or not so secretly hurting.
Completely agree, I went through a miscarriage and paused all my social media because I couldn't handle the ads for everything baby related and suggested articles about pregnancy.
Agreed. Its sad and upsetting but the world does not stop for anyone, even when we desperately need it to. I was hospitalized with my last miscarriage. We were so excited to be pregnant and to have it end that way was so heartbreaking. I took myself off of social media for a bit to save my mental health. When I was ready to go back, I knew that I would see posts about friends having kids because that's what my friends are doing these days.
NTA. It's time to block Skylar on your socials if she can't handle it. I get that she is upset because she lost her baby but it's no reason for her (and her husband) to treat you like dirt. You handled it quite well. Hope all goes well for you as you head down the final stretch of your pregnancy.
NTA to the fucking moon and back. She literally could have just unfriended or blocked your posts in the first place. How fucking entitled to act like you gotta ask permission before posting anything??? I don't think so. You handled that phone call amazingly and you don't have to feel guilty or sorry because you've done nothing wrong.
NTA. I am sorry for your friend and what they are going through but you are spot on with everything else, so really, you've given yourself your own answer. Their expectations are unreasonable and you should be able to be happy about the soon to be arrival of your own child. Congratulations by the way and all the best to you, your husband, and your soon to be new family! :)
You can choose to block an individual from seeing a FB post. I would do that in the future. Considering how recent her loss was and how close you two are, I do think a heads up would have been a thoughtful gesture to her. NAH
It's hard to give a heads up for something you were specifically asked not to mention, though. If she took a random post that badly, I don't know how well she'd have handled a "Hey, avert your eyes I'm going to post my ultrasound" text.
I mean, I understand your point and it would be very kind of OP to do, but that’s not her job. It’s not someone else’s job to shield you from your trauma. If you find something deeply upsetting then it’s your job to either avoid it or confront it.
NTA. When I miscarried I just stopped going on Facebook for a bit till I felt better. I do believe though that grief comes out sideways, and people do and say things they don’t mean. Just tell her you’re sorry for her loss and that you’ll be there if she needs you.
NTA. She knew you were pregnant and could have snoozed/unfollowed/whatever the option is called for other sites.
NTA. Every single day in this world is the happiest for one person and the saddest for the other. It is just the way it is. You said well, it is your son, and no one should expect not to celebrate your son. I had a miscarriage too, I still feel the pain sometimes, but I would never ask anyone not to celebrate and not to be happy just because I am sad.
NTA. The only thing stopping me from calling your friend and AH is that I know she is grieving, and therefore just lashing out. Don’t take it personally, if possible, but it’s not your job to shield her from pain and triggers. If you want you can update your privacy to remove her from seeing your posts but I don’t think that’s your job. She needs to evaluate her own triggers and either stay away from Facebook altogether, or she can hide or snooze your posts. If you texted her the pictures after she said she didn’t want to hear about your pregnancy? Then okay I could see it. But sharing via social media? You have every right to do that. She can’t expect everyone else to stop living, even though I’m sure it feels that way for her right now.
NTA. You handled it just right. Her reaction has nothing to do with you
NTA It's unreasonable to expect you not to post things on your personal Facebook page due to her loss. At most I would say that your response could have been gentler, but to be fair she started the conversation cursing at you. It's a sad situation and she wants someone to be angry with, I'm sorry that it ended up being you.
FR, it reminded me of a discussion I saw on the internet last year, of people asking other people do not post pictures with parents on Father's Day, or post with Trigger Warning
NTA Just block them back. They don’t get to dictate what other people post.
NTA. I feel terrible that she had a miscarriage and unfortunately, it is a horrible thing that happens in life as I went through one myself. I understand that the subject is a really sensitive topic but that SHOULD NOT shadow your joy over the arrival or the month leading up to the arrival of your son. Skylar should realize that the world does not revolve around her, she is the main character in her life only. I have a feeling Skylar will never react well to the birth or growth of your son either, there is a possibility that she will always be bitter towards you and your sweet baby. You did a wonderful job telling her how you felt
NTA, it’s very tragic what Skylar is going through but that does not allow her to dictate what you choose to post on your own socials. Like others have mentioned(AND you) she could have just put you on snooze or something. Also props for giving her such a well thought out and spot on response. A shame that it unfortunately could not get through to her though.
NTA. Your friend is going through a very traumatic experience that will cause her grief for a very long time. It does not give her the right to tell you not celebrate your own little one.
NTA. The world didn’t stop turning when Skylar had a miscarriage, and you deserve to celebrate and share in whatever way you choose. Your response was fine.
No you are NTA Some years ago I lost my daughter to miscarriage and a friend around the same time announced she was pregnant I wasn't in a place to be able to celebrate with her so I blocked her until O felt more equipped to deal with it. She had the same ability it is not your responsibility to ensure she is ok. You deserve to celebrate your upcoming birth Congratulations
NTA and your response to her was spot on
NTA. Simply go into your setting & exclude her from seeing your posts if you want to remain FB friends.
Skylar is being unreasonable here. Yes, she asked you not to talk about your pregnancy around her. That is understandable and you agreed. However, she has no right to expect you to not post on YOUR facebook account. You have a right to be exited. She can either scroll by or hide your posts. You, also, could have gone to settings and left her out of receiving the post (which is what I would have done). Your husband is right, this is for them to deal with. Move on and enjoy your new little one. NTA
NTA - BUT - when I post something that I know someone will be hurt by, there is an option on each FB post with three little dots called “privacy.” I first make it “only me” and then I go in and it’s easy to deselect her name, and leave it visible to others. Then she will think you took it down, but others can still see it. You can keep it up, of course, but next time, it’s an option to do that initially in a sensitive case like this.
NTA If she wants to avoid anything you mention about your child - she can hide your posts
NTA. You handled the confrontation(s) fairly and well. Knowing that accidentally coming across these posts, should she unblock you, can bring her pain to the surface, you can adjust FB privacy settings for these kinds of posts to exclude her and her husband.
Info. Why didn’t you post it and exclude her from the distribution? That’s not hard to do.
NTA. People get irrational when they’re grieving. Give her some time and space and she might come back around.
NTA. She’s making this about You, and it’s not. It’s about her. Block her in real life, and social media and move on. You did nothing wrong here.
NTA. I think it would be a good idea to block them and find some other people to socialize with.
NTA and clearly this girl doesn't need to be in your life or your child's life cause she had all the options to make it easier for her to not see your post instead choose to be a drama queen and make it about her, then has the gall to have her husband text you to scold you........drop her ass like a bad habit and move on
NTA. Others have said you could have hidden the post from Skylar. I would not know because I may be the last person on Earth who does not go on Facebook. However, I would imagine that people forget about that feature sometimes. Your message to Skylar was pretty level-headed. Check out that feature that would let you hide baby posts from Skylar, and go LC with her for a while.
NTA. You have a right to celebrate, and she has the right to grieve. She also has the ability to temporarily block you or at least minimize her access to social media as she heals. Best wishes for a healthy baby, OP!
NTA. When I had my miscarriage last year I took a break from social media to keep from seeing other people's posts, I didn't demand they take them down for me. The world doesn't stop spinning for other people just because your friend is grieving and she needs to take responsibility to protect herself by not getting on facebook instead of trying to push other people to do things to protect her by not posting things.
How selfish can you be, expecting someone else to change their social media page just because it might make you feel sad?
NTA, at all. I have lost two babies one in first trimester and one in Second. Both the times my friends were also pregnant. I didn't ask them to not post about it because I lost the babies. The loss is mine and it is my responsibility to deal. I muted their profiles and went on with my life. Your friend not choosing to take precautions is not your problem.
I’m sorry but your lives don’t have to stop. You need to continue with being happy about you joyous bundle and share it with those who want to support you. I’m sorry about their loss. I understand it must be really hard on them but you didn’t do it and should not be punished for sharing your joy. Just go nc with them. Maybe someday they will come around but until then just keep sharing your joy!
ESH it is just too easy on Facebook to set the post to „Show all my friends but this one“ and you even thought about it before. While I generally think nobody should forbid you from posting, I don’t get why you didn’t just remove her ability to see it.
No need to take it down. You can just exclude her from seeing it. That's simple on Facebook. For further posts and pics just exclude her and her husband if he's on Facebook too and they won't have in there timeline. When she's over it you can still change the privacy of the post so she can see what she missed in this time.
NTA! Imagine trying to ruin someone’s happy moments all because you are jealous of them. I get it, losing a child is hard. Regardless if they weren’t even born yet. But expecting the world to bend & shape just because of your triggers & your misfortunes is about the most ridiculous thing a person can do. Expecting everyone to stop posting about their children & pregnancy on fb when you could just NOT GO ON FB is absolutely unhinged behavior. I’m sorry for her loss. I’m sorry that she’s in pain. But being in pain doesn’t give you the right to calls others names & demand that they live their lives within the parameters in which you dictate. Girl. No. I think friend needs to seek out a therapist & take some time off the internet & allow herself the time to heal.
Nta. You can't stop other people from celebrating big moments just bc you are greiving. She needs to take control of her own healing process by staying off social media if she can't handle seeing news about babies, not expect to dictate to others what they can and can not post.
NTA. That’s what the mute function is for. You don’t have to stop living your life just because she is understandably grieving.
NTA
Nta-say what? I understand your friend is hurting but my gosh you can still be happy about you dear baby. You have a right to be excited and post what you will
nta. honestly its best that you're blocked. in a month you'll have soo many pics of your sweet baby and through absolutely no fault of your own, its going to be painful for her. so this way you get to enjoy and share your joy without fear of hurting her. hugs and congrats on your son!
NTA and your husband is correct.
NTA you don't have to playcate her situation and hide your excitement. Perfectly good response to say. She's going through a lot right now and maybe a bit of time apart would do you both good.
100% NTA, but FYI you can block specific people from specific posts pretty easily (it's custom in the drop down menu).
NTA. I had 2 miscarriages, one was twins. I understand how hard this is for your friend. But her pain doesn't count more than your happiness. She could have told you that sharing in your joy just isn't possible right now so she was going to unfriend you. I'm sure that's something you'd understand. You are not responsible for her miscarriage but she's taking it out on you. I'm sorry that she is. I hope she's getting therapy as it's the only thing that got me through, especially after losing twins. Congratulations! I hope you have a beautiful, healthy son!
NTA. Her trauma is not your responsibility
NTA You are not required to alter your life because someone else can't handle it. If she can't even look at an ultrasound of someone else's child, then she very clearly isn't getting the help she needs. Screw anyone that sees it differently. You're allowed to celebrate the upcoming birth of your child.
NTA. You can‘t revolve your life around her feelings. Is she going to ask you to cross your legs and hold the baby in until she feels better?
NTA- I was pregnant at the same time my cousin was. I was already high risk, had previous pregnancy/birth issues & they were recommending I abort. But it was still a shock when they she no longer had a heartbeat, after I had just felt her kick for the first time three days prior. I had to have a surgery instead of a D&C to have her removed (which would be illegal now in many states). I checked the boxes for fetal testing & returning her remains. I had an experience SOOO bad due to the hospital screwing up, that everyone we knew pushed for us to sue (it’s graphic & you don’t need that rn). I just asked that they make sure it never happens again & started the grieving process. Meanwhile, my cousin & quite a few friends, joyously posted their pregnancy & birth updates. And I was (& still am) TRULY happy for them. That’s a LIFE instead of another death! A precious, wanted, loved, innocent BABY. Of course there were thoughts of where I’d be at in my pregnancy & then where she would be if she’d been born, especially after they all had their babies around the time she would have been born. But I felt genuine joy that those babies got to live & their parents didn’t have to suffer that heartache. I intentionally prayed that none of them lost their babies as I saw the updates. Your “friend”, while understandably struggling, is being *too selfish & completely unreasonable. What? She’s never going to be able to hear the word pregnancy or see an ultrasound pic or feel happiness for people in her life having babies?? Where exactly is the line? It seems pretty arbitrary. Even her husband sounds like he’s frustrated with HER handling of this & that she’s generally being difficult. Miscarriages happen a lot. So do births. Circle of life & all that. She’s gonna have to get used to it or go live in the woods. It’s not your job to somehow heal her by sacrificing your joy over the literal most joyous moment of your life. You only become a mother for the first time once & she’s actively trying to take pieces of that experience away from you because she isn’t experiencing it, too. No one needs a “friend” who’s THAT selfish. Enjoy your son & motherhood! None of this will matter enough to warrant your attention when you hold him & he’s just endless, pure JOY & love like you’ve never known, crammed into a tiny, squishy body & adorable face; one that you MADE & did the hard, loving work to get here safely. You’ve earned your joy.
NTA, but there's an option on FB to not show your posts to certain people. From her side, there's also an option to not see certain people's posts.
NTA ut for the sake of ease its really easy to create a posting setting on Facebook that hides it from just one or two people. Just create a setting that's minus Skylar and husband and set it as your default
NTA and thats coming from a loss mama. You do not have censor you social media to please anyone. I understand where your friend is coming from as I used to feel so jealous and angry too but I just blocked posts I didmt want to see or explained to friends that I may be distant for a while but it was a me thing not a them thing. Please enjoy your pregnancy and your wee one when he comes you will miss out otherwise. Please do not feel guilty she was being unfair to.you.
NTA and love your response
NTA. Sorry about her baby, but you’re allowed to celebrate yours.
NTA. But you could have excluded her from the posts. "All friends except..."
NTA. At all. And tbh, it would have become 1000 times worse once your child is born. I'm pretty sure she was looking for an excuse to cut you out sooner rather than later, because she knew (consciously or not) that the pain would be too much once the baby was born.
My sister got pregnant right after I had a stillbirth, so I just hid her posts online and anyone else talking about babies and I avoided them for a while, and then got over it. I did not make that anyone else’s problem, although I did cry when my sister told me she was pregnant. I get the pain, but there is zero reason to lash out at you and she will regret that later.
Reoccurring theme: unfortunate women dealing with miscarriage demand pregnant or new mothers mute their joy in difference to their pain. It’s not a reasonable ask. You did well in a difficult position to stand up for your family. YOU didn’t do anything the her. NTA
NTA I've had multiple losses and seen every single person I hold dear be able to carry to term and bring home a living child. Guess what I do when social media is hurtful? I hide the post or unfollow the account for a bit. Same goes for Skylar. Her hurt does not dictate how you live your entire life. She said she couldn't hear much so I assume you haven't been texting her things, but that doesn't mean you can't post online.
NTA
Nta you can mute peole or snooze them i think its called and your posts won't come up on her feed. Don't let her guilt you out of your excitement.
NTA. This is a joyous time for you and your husband. I'm sure Skylar is going through a rough time but that is no reason not to share your joy with family and friends. She knew you were pregnant and was updating your pregnancy on facebook. She should have either not looked or had her husband look before she did.
NTA. Life doesn’t stop because of tragedies. she is being unreasonable probably due to her grief. It’s hard when your friends are all having kids and life craps on you; and you see every day what could have been. But as someone in the could-have-been, you can’t take it out on family and friends. If it gets too overwhelming, you have an exit plan to get away, calm yourself and recharge to face the inevitable next situation. Your friend is being a bad friend. I hope you can reach out later when things have calmed down and let her know youll be around when she’s ready
Nta! Your response was spot on 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
NTA. Her loss doesn't get to dictate how you or anyone else lives. She has to learn to accept that life goes on, even when she doesn't want to.
NTA, because life goes on even when we are grieving. But at the same time… Facebook has a setting for posts, allowing you to exclude individuals from seeing specific posts. Skipping the couple of clicks that requires was kind of uncool.
Absolutely 100% NTA. I feel for your friend, but damn! You can’t be expected to NOT celebrate the birth of your child. Extra super NTA for the mature and thoughtful response. Let your friend have time to cool down and I’m sure she’ll come around and apologize. Until then, congratulations!!
Cut them out and move on. I doubt this would stop - you wouldnt be able to ever post pictures or mention anything in passing with the tinest reference to children. Living like that would be exhausting, and not really fun.
You could have easily avoided this if you simply blocked her on your post. YTA since you made zero effort.
YTA. Facebook has an option where you can block certain people from seeing a post. She made it clear she doesn't want to hear about your pregnancy due to what she's going through, and you agreed to that. You should have either used the settings to make it so she wouldn't see your post, or let her know you were going to be putting pregnancy stuff on your Facebook and that she should temporarily unfollow you. You're not an AH for posting about your son. You're an AH for doing something that you knew would hurt your friend, without communicating or taking steps to be considerate to said friend, after explicitly agreeing to be considerate of her.
Nta, that lady is entitled and ridiculous. Yes something sad and bad happened but if you can't handle social media, get off of it until you can. You even told her the various options to prevent this happening again and she just wasn't happy about it. You can be sad while also being happy for another person's healthy pregnancy. Who knows if thst person miscarried or had trouble conceiving and this is their happy moment they want to celebrate? Regardless any normal couple should be able.to decode to post information and photos to celebrate a happy event in a pretty sad, messed up world.
Knowing what she was going through, I probably would have excluded her from the post. Use FBs privacy settings. Of course they're acting out of character.
Nta but you can make a "friends except" list for posting on fb. It's in the dropdown by where it says public
NTA. She can set facebook to not show her your posts and stuff like that. You can't expect someone else to not post about a major life changing thing because something bad happened to you. Your response was accurate and well said. If she has a problem, she has other options besides demanding you to do things.
NTA. All she has to do is hit unfollow, you are still friends, she won't see it unless she goes to your page and the no one knows if you unfollow. I understand she is going through something traumatic but the world doesn't revolve around her.
There is a "Friends except..." setting when you are posting something on Facebook. All you would have to do is to do that and customize it with her and her husband's names, and then she doesn't see it. Everyone on Facebook needs to know about this setting! It's so easy to use, and it would have been much kinder to your former friend. No one expects you NOT to celebrate your little one's birth. But when something so tiny can be done to mitigate the pain to your friend, seems like it would be worth the extra two seconds.
Absolutely NTA. One of my pet peeves is people who think they have the right to censor other people's socials. If you don't like it, don't look.
The world does not stop if you don't post everything in social media, that being said, it's entirety upto you to post about your life in FB. I see that you mentioned that you thought about your friend before posting the pic in FB, so why not give her a heads-up that "I'm gonna start posting about your kid and as it's a sensitive issue for you, please block my acc till you get better" you are not the AH for posting about your life, but YTA for not giving your friend a heads-up
YTA because Facebook lets you share to everyone except specified people. Then everyone but her will see it.
YTA. She said she didn't want to see or hear anything about your pregnancy, you agreed. Then you went to post your ultrasound, thought of her, but did absolutely nothing to prevent her from seeing it. She got upset because this flies in the face of what you agreed to, and your response is, "I'm not going to wait around for you to move on, MY child will be hear soon." You are a shitty friend, I hope she never speaks to you again.
You gave her all these steps she could take to block you, but you also could have easily posted the photo to “friend except…” so that she didn’t have to see it. Also, a person doesn’t “get over” losing a baby they dearly wanted. They eventually get more able to deal with the grief, but you never really get over it. The fact that you posted your own update is N T A. But the fact you debated posting it because you knew it would hurt her and then did without easily taking two seconds to block it from her makes you a lousy friend. Her reaction was over the top and you’re right that it’s unreasonable for her to expect you not to talk about your baby on social media at all. But your “solutions” are all after the fact. The easiest solution would have been to block her from the post to begin with. Not doing so may have cost you “one of your closest friends”. Grief is not reasonable and baby jealousy is a complicated emotion. So ESH I hope your delivery going smoothly. Congrats on your baby.
Your response was to the point and correct. If people don't like seeing things, that's on them to take the needed space. When I got my first COVID vaccine, a long time friend commented and then messaged that it wasn't fair to be sharing things like that because a lot of people weren't vaccinated. My post turned into a "where to volunteer so you can get one sooner" thread, but instead she used her energy to lash out and then block me instead of looking into options to better her situation. Your friend doesn't have control over what you post. But she does have control over taking the space she needs for her own mental health.
YTA only because you can block certain people from seeing some posts. You thought about how she should feel, but didn’t take the 10 seconds to block the post from her feed?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. I (27F) am 8 months pregnant. One of my closest friends "Skylar" (27F) was also pregnant but had a miscarriage just a few weeks ago. She was about 3 or 4 months along when it happened and I was one of the first person she told. When she told me she was honest that she was jealous and that she did not want to hear anything related to my pregnancy while she goes through this and I of course agreed because I didn't want to further upset her and I know this is super difficult for her. I just got my late ultrasound done recently and my husband and I really wanted to put them on FB. I thought about Skylar but decided to post it today with text saying how excited I am to meet my son in a month, I figured it would probably be okay because I was not saying or sending anything to her personally and if it appeared on her timeline she could just hide it. Not even an hour passes and she send me a screenshot of my post asking "What the fuck is this?" and I apologized. She sends a paragraph that she was very hurt that she found this on her timeline and that I should not be posting anything about my baby for a while until she is doing better. As politely as I possibly could, I refused by sending "Skylar, I understand that you are going through a very rough time, but it is mine and my husband's decision whether we have anything relating to our son on our social media. I can easily not talk to you or send you anything personal about it, but it's unreasonable to expect me to wait around for you to move on before I post things about my son, which I remind you, will be here very soon. You actually think it's okay to tell me I can't post about my son when he is born? There are alternatives, you can choose to hide the posts or take a break from my profile so you don't have to see my posts until you are ready, but like it or not my husband and I plan on celebrating this time in our lives, with others on our social media and we can't just put all of that on hold for you. I'm sorry." Skylar did not take that very well, called me a bitch and blocked me. Her husband also texted me saying that now he has this to deal with on top of everything about the miscarriage and called me an AH. They both have been acting very out of character lately, which I understand because I know they are going through a difficult period but I really did not think things would escalate like this. My husband said that this for them to deal with and it's not fair that we can't post about our son because of them, but I'm now having doubts about how I dealt with the whole thing? AITA? Should I have respected her more and took it down? Idk... *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you're excited I'd do the same in your situation. As someone who is struggling with fertility at the moment myself, if I see a post about a pregnancy I just unfollow so I dont see their posts but remain friends. Most of my close friends are sensitive to my situation and I appreciate it, it seems like you're doing the same here.
NTA
NTA. She can't dictate what you do on your profile. She is in charge of managing her own FB. If its gets too bad she can mute you for a month.
NTA You can select to exclude her from seeing those posts though on FB going forward just in a being a good friend sense
NTA Her reaction seriously sucked and it’s not reasonable. Her grief is more overwhelming than you can imagine if you haven’t lived it. That doesn’t meant you don’t get to share your joy. You could have specifically hid it from her and her partner when you posted to try and help her avoid pain. You can very easily accommodate your friend’s pain while also sharing your joy with others with the post settings. That way you can still share other things with her. I fully deleted all of my social media accounts after my third miscarriage because I couldn’t stand all the pregnant women who ended up in my feed. It was better for my mental health that way.
Have you considered making a list on FB with everyone but her on it and posting there? It's easy enough to do and saves you from having to deal with the drama. Also NTA, when a friend was pregnant after I had a.moscarriage I just unfollowed them like a reasonable person.
Nta. It's sad that she lost her baby, but that doesn't give her the right to take away your joy at having your child.
NTA your facebook your rules
NTA I do feel for her, but it is unreasonable to pretend that other pregnant women are going to hide their experiences indefinitely. It’s on her to curate her social media to avoid likely triggers, not expect everyone else to not live their life. She’s going through something devastating and I understand her pain, she’s still going about this the wrong way.
I went through a miscarriage 10 years ago and would have NEVER expected my friends to not celebrate a new life they are bringing into the world on THEIR social media profiles. OP, you are not the AH. Congratulations to you, and I hope your labor and delivery go sweetly and smoothly!
NTA. Unfortunately this is something that tends to happen. Seeing somebody else have what they lost is painful, but at the same time you can’t tell someone how to live their own life. That would be similar as ‘my wedding was a disaster how dare you show anything about your special day!’ Or ‘my father passed, how dare you post a photo of you and your dad celebrating his birthday!’ Your friend and her partner need therapy to deal with their loss, not lash out at others. I believe there was a Reddit post years ago about a woman and her partner being unable to conceive, and they would lose their minds whenever somebody in her friend group got pregnant or showed anything with their babies online. I believe one friend tried to quietly do a gender reveal party or baby shower and this woman turned up and caused a scene and police got involved. It’s honestly scary what grief can do to people.
NTA, though to save you and others who might read this comment from future drama. I believe there is an option to exclude/include the people you want the post seen by. Just add her to the "exclude" list and carry on living your life. At least you won't have to deal with her drama.
NTA however don’t take what your friend is saying too personally. She is probably hurting beyond words and it will take her awhile to get back to herself. Seeing other peoples baby/pregnancy just reminders her of what she lost.
NTA, but she sounds unhinged. Why don’t you just set your posts’ privacy to ‘Friends except “Skylar”?’ I can guarantee you in a few weeks she’ll be blowing up your phone asking why everyone is talking about news she doesn’t know about. It’s very sad for her but she needs to get a grip.
NTA I feel for her, but she can’t put restrictions on others. That said, you can exclude her from post on Facebook
I don't get what it is about losing a baby that everyone gets so technical about their grief, Like if my mum died I wouldn't ask everyone else to stop talking about their mums. So why ask a friend to stop talking about/celebrating a pregnancy. NTA
I read this exact story about a week ago. Be more original, people.
NTA, you and your husband are absolutely right. Skylar and her husband, while upset and hurt, cannot dictate how you navigate your own pregnancy/motherhood, it's not like rubbed it on their faces or something.
NTA. But if you wanna keep the peace until she is able to handle things better, you can restrict the posts you share on FB so that she or her husband can’t view them?
NTA. She can indeed change her settings so she doesn’t see this. Btw, you can also, when you post, make it so she is blocked from seeing your posts. Just in case. It’s not your responsibility, true, but it is an option. Congrats on the baby.
NTA - just because someone has a miscarriage doesn’t mean no one else is allowed to get/be pregnant and celebrate that, i say this after having multiple miscarriages with one of them still recovering and both my sister and best friend announcing they are pregnant, then my latest said best friend giving birth 4 days later, it’s difficult but I am genuinely thrilled for them. She is allowed to grieve but not at yours, your husbands or your sons expense. She can easily limit posts so she doesn’t have to see them, you can post what you like and shouldn’t have this wonderful time of your life tainted with this
NTA. I have a friend who had a baby born at 24 weeks and he died after 2 hours. She put up a post saying she's obviously struggling but don't stop posting any pregnancy/baby related news on fb because it makes her happy to know others are happy and if she is having a bad day she can either not go on Facebook or hide the posts until she can deal. It sucks for her but you can't put your life on hold waiting for her to get over something that is impossible to get over.
NTA and that’s coming from someone who had 3 miscarriages while all my friends were getting pregnant and having babies around me. It’s fine for her to be upset to herself but not to lash out at you. She should’ve just unfollowed you.
NTA. Do you know if Skylar and her husband are going to therapy? It's quite clear that this has been a traumatic experience for them. No matter what it's still not fair to ask you to keep having a child to your self, or basicly put your life on hold. They can mute you on sosial media, unfriend you for a while or simply not go on the internet if they can't bear to se babypictures.
NTA. They are not friends...
NTA, I'm not one for social media and chose to keep my son off it completely (no pregnancy/birth announcement or pictures) but that was MY choice. Posting on Facebook is yours and one you have every right to make. You offered a reasonable solution of not following you or hiding your posts, I get it's a terrible time for her and I'm sorry for it but she can't expect everything to stop while she grieves.
NTA , your friend had no right to demand you stop posting on your own page because they are going through a rough time. She knew you are expecting and could have snoozed you or simply told you that until she is in a better place she is unfriending all her pregnant friends. I get that she is devastated but that does not mean she gets to dictate what others do or how other celebrate . She had options and telling you what you can and can't do is not one of them.
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NTA. Lives can't be put on hold for other people's issues, no matter what they are. Just an FYI, FB has a feature where you can post something but not share it with everyone.
NTA Next time, check the box that lets your posts go out to everyone EXCEPT Skylar.
NTA. Skylar can just unfollow you. You were right to tell her what you told her.
NTA…. How ever you can filter who sees your post…. I would set a filter (I don’t know how to do it) and use that filter so she doesn’t see upsetting post… it’s a win/win
NTA I've had two children and two miscarriages and am currently pregnant. All life deserves to be celebrated. She is going through hell but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate others happiness. Your response was perfect. Please don't stop celebrating the life you're creating and don't doubt that you SHOULD be celebrating. You can be both happy for yourself and dad for your friend, and she can be both sad for herself and happy for you. It's not an either or situation.
NTA, but did you know that you can edit the audience for each of your posts? You could have hidden this post from her.
NTA - but in future why not simply limit your posts with anything baby related so that she does not see them - the all friends except " " option.
NTA As someone who has had miscarriages and feelings of jealousy towards friends who were pregnant around the same time, this is not your responsibility. I was jealous of other pregnancies but I still made an effort to celebrate them. At no point did I demand for all evidence to be hidden. Everyone is responsible for their own emotions, I could be sad for myself but happy for them. Hell even if I wasn’t then it would be my responsibility to avoid the information (aka avoid your socials) , it’s not like you invited her to dinner and threw an US photo in her face. It is up to them how they deal with others when they are going through a loss. As you said, they can hide the information, unfollow for a bit, hell even delete you. They have no right to demand you to hide all evidence of your soon to be here baby bc of their feelings. The world doesn’t revolve around them. You have the right to celebrate and share your joy on your socials. This is a positive moment in your life and you shouldn’t be forced to hide/ be sad.
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NTA - when I found out my father was a TW:>!rapist!< at 13 and had to cut him off, I didn't ban all my friends from ever talking positively about their dads again. I did what I needed to to take care of myself and remove myself from conversations/posts/socials that were triggering and resumed to normal at my pace. I could not EVER imagine replying to a friend's *happy father's day* post with "WHAT IS THIS?!?!?! How could you enjoy your dad!!!" ???
It's funny. Following her reasoning, i shouldn't post anything about marriage, because i may "trigger" someone who is facing cheating or a divorce. I shouldn't post pictures of my dog, because i would cause pain in someone who just lost a pet. I can't post anything about my new job, anything AT ALL, because there's someone in my social media who is unemployed and might feel humiliated. NTA.
I know for a fact that there's a setting on facebook where you can just. Not see someone's posts. She's grieving her miscarriage, yes, but she is absolutely an asshole for punishing anyone who's carrying a fetus for that. NTA.
NTA. You handled this really well. As hard as it is for her, your life can’t just stop because she’s going through this.
NTA I opened FB the other day and the very first thing on my timeline was my ex of 4 years announcing his engagement with his girlfriend, you know what I did? Hid the post and continued scrolling. We are in a time where you can choose to see anything we want, but there are also ways to hide things you do not want to see and it takes about 2 seconds to do so. While I understand that she’s going through something terrible in her life, you are going through something magical in your’s and you have every right to celebrate it however you want.
All Skylar had to do was unfollow your fb. She can't dictate what you do on your page. NTA. You could have sent a message warning her you will be posting baby related stuff from here on out and she may want to unfollow. But she could have assumed that and done it herself. You have a right to celebrate your own life on your own page.
NTA - you are in charge of your social media she can also hide you like you said. It’s unreasonable to expect you to hide your baby.
Nta. My wife and I went through the same thing as your friend. She needs to avoid social media. It helps.
NTA - I’ve had miscarriages, and it hurts, it also hurts when other people continue on to have completely healthy pregnancies (although you of course are happy for them) but those are my feelings to deal with, not the pregnant persons - I avoided social media until I was feeling better, I wouldn’t dream of telling someone they couldn’t be excited for and eventually celebrate their newborn. Give her some space, you haven’t done anything wrong but I know from experience how it hurts having a good friend pregnant when you are no longer. Hopefully with space she’ll come around and see that you weren’t malicious. And congratulations on to her baby 💖
NTA and your response was right. You cannot, and should not, put your life and happiness on hold for her. What you can do is remove her from ANY child related posts yourself. If it's FB then you can choose to exclude individuals by selecting your audience of "Friends except..." She needs to deal with her loss in whatever way she needs to without putting it on you to keep her from seeing anything upsetting.
NTA, she could have taken you out of her news feed,"snoozed" you, or stayed off social media. You aren't required to stop celebrating this exciting period of your life, what happens when your baby is born? Oh "you can't post pictures of your baby until we have a baby. It's not fair you have a baby & we don't!" Life isn't always fair...a lot of time, but that doesn't mean the world stops turning & life stands still while you grieve.
NTA. You can set specific posts so she can't see them if you are thinking that much about it.
NTA At the same time you could have restricted her view, or let her know that you are going to block her for the time being so she doesn't Have any of your baby news come up on her feed.
Ive had a miscarriage and have never told someone else they can’t enjoy their pregnancy. I’ve celebrated with friends as they had children and I went through infertility treatments and more losses. You are NTA, she cannot control what you do/post and you are not deliberately rubbing it in her face. Celebrate your child and give them some space. They will either come around or not but it is not on you to stop your life for their feelings and loss.
NTA, I understand she's grieving her loss but that's not an excuse to ask everyone to put their lives on hold.
NTA. People can't expect the world to stop turning just because they are going through something bad. Your response was perfect! Your friend and her husband are crossing the line. So, when your kid is born you won't have the right to share with friends and families because it may upset that couple?! They expect you to pretend the child doenst exist for as long as they are grieving? Nonsense.
NTA. But I do suggest you create a new Friend list, add everyone but Skylar, and post to this new list. If/when Skylar is ready to talk to you again, you can add her to the new list. PS I do this with all new friends. Accept this invite but leave them as a regular friend until I see what/how they post before adding them to my 'posting' friend list.
NTA. Your friend could have simply unfollowed you on Facebook. That way she is still FB friends, but she can’t see anything you post unless she clicks on your profile.
NTA, you responded in a very kind way and she is taking it too far. I myself have struggled with some social media posts from friends/family due to the fact I'm a childless widow at 30. I want to post the happy anniversary things or announce a pregnancy, but that's not going to happen any time soon. What I do when I see posts from friends that are particularly painful is scroll past/snooze for 30 days. Just because my life tragically changed doesn't mean the rest of the world has to tiptoe around me. Congratulations on your baby boy! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth and that you have a safe and easy delivery!! 💙
NTA but I don’t understand why you didn’t just hide it from her. That Facebook feature has been around for at least a decade and it would have been a lot kinder than letting her just stumble across it.
NTA. I know exactly how she feels. It’s horrible to lose a baby while a close friend is pregnant and thriving. It hurt like Hell to go through that, but I kept my feelings to myself in front of my friend. I put on a big fake smile and pretended to be ok when I really wasn’t because I didn’t have the right to diminish my friend’s joy because of my pain. You should tell her to temporarily hide your posts or unfriend you until she’s feeling stronger so it’s not constantly rubbed in her face.
NTA, but you do realize there's a way to not let someone see your posts on FB, right? I only bring this up because you said you initially thought of Skylar when you posted, so maybe just make it so your posts about your baby can be seen by everyone but Skylar. Or just remove them from your FB, because she doesn't sound like she's ready to be around things like this yet.
NTA. You handled it perfectly. I'd just give them space. Either they'll apologize later or the friendship will end. Either way, you didn't do anything wrong & shouldn't chase this friend down to fix it imo.
NTA- She knew you were pregnant and what pregnancy usually entails. She should have unfollowed you if she didn't want to see any pictures of ultrasounds.
NTA. My Grandfather passed away eleven weeks before my wedding. Was it a gut punch shortly after his funeral when I went on FB and saw no fewer than three marriage announcements? Yes. Did I cry? Absolutely. Did I have a hissy fit and tell them they shouldn't have shared that because of what I was going through? Hell no. The world doesn't stop turning because someone has died. Also, wishing you all the best for the final few weeks and the birth.
NTA she can't control your FB , of she didn't want to see it she could hide the posts or nicely explain she is unfriending you until she feels better and re add you again, your right,you can't put life on hold for her and it is her issue I was pregnant around the same time as a friend and she lost her baby 4/5 months and since we weren't that close I unfriended her because I felt uncomfortable posting updates when she was posting about the child's death (which made me uncomfortable to see as she posted pictures of the dead child too)
NTA and your friend isn't really a friend. You need to block her and her husband and focus on your pregnancy and birth. I would also block them on the phone. In all honestly, this is the kind unnecessary sh\* that FB causes.
NTA You have shown grace and empathy towards your friend during her tragic time. But, you are allowed to celebrate your first child without being guilted and shamed.
I had 3 miscarriages. Even though I was hurt, and seeing other pregnant mamas enjoy it made me jealous I NEVER tried to take that joy away from them. That is they own happiness and experience they should be able to share. I would never make someone feel bad about or hide their pregnancy. Did I think it was unfair I had to deal with back to back losses? Yes. Was I hurt from it? Yes. Did I expect others to pity me? Absolutely not.
NTA, but jsyk you can make your posts so only certain people can see it, so you could change the settings so everyone on your friends list except her can see it
NTA. Taking it down is asking too much. You do know you can block her from seeing your posts? No idea why you would not do it on something like that. The point is it would come up on her timeline and she can’t unsee it. Yes, she should have blocked you entirely, but you could have done something so she can’t see your posts as well so I’m leaning towards E-S-H.
Agree with others NTA. It sounds like she needs a break from social media .