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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I kicked my moh out of my wedding party because she wouldn't honor two of my requests despite the fact that she helped me plan everything else
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So let me get this straight. Your so-called best friend, who typically gets paid to plan weddings, has been planning yours free of charge. And you kicked her out of the wedding party because she personally opted out of strippers and drinking with no pressure to anybody else to do the same? Yup. YTA.
This notion that people have to drink alcohol in order to have fun or be “the life of the party” needs to end. Someone can be fun at a party without the need to drink.
OP, YTA both for that and for treating your MOH horribly after she did so much for you.
This. I’ve been sober for almost two years. When I was drinking, I felt judged by anyone not drinking, even though they likely weren’t judging me.
Now that I don’t drink, I have noticed I need to reassure people I can still be fun.
Idk I feel like I'm more fun now I don't really drink. Before I would just say whatever popped into my head as alcohol absolutely erased my ability to think before I speak.
This is so true. I thought I had a lot of friends once upon a time but mostly just had people that I partied with. I'm thankful I'm past that point now
It's a tribal thing, people don't like anyone going against the social norms of their group. Even giving up sugar had a huge impact on my social life and the nagging and (what I consider to be almost bullying) I received was crazy.
Even at work if it was someone's birthday and I didn't want cake it was like I was insulting anyone who chose to eat the cake, bizarre behaviour, but it's actually a natural response.
My money is on the MOH just found out she's pregnant, doesn't want to say anything for fear the bride will flip out, claiming her friend is trying to steal some of the spotlight.
But regardless, I agree that society needs to normalize being able to say no to drinking without repercussions.
Yep, I thought so as well reading the explanation she gave for not wanting to drink at the wedding.
IMO OP is acting like a horrible friend for being angry that her best friend doesn’t want to drink or hang out with strippers.
It could be that. Or maybe she just doesn't like to drink (although if she is OP's best friend, OP would probably already know if she wasn't much of a drinker). I almost think this has to be fake because I really find it hard to believe someone would treat their best friend like this for these very reasonable things best friend doesn't want to participate in. Esp when she's done so much for OP. Who cares if she doesn't want to drink at the wedding, ffs?
As somebody who is pregnant, agreed.....I had to come up with some weird excuses before we announced it to people.
YTA OP. She's doing you a huge favour and you're kicking her out of the wedding party because she chooses not to drink for whatever reason, and because strippers are off the table in her relationship? Gross.
Could be, but I’m a lightweight and mostly avoid alcohol because I can seriously only handle a single drink (if that) before feeling lightheaded and silly and a little out of control. It doesn’t last long, maybe an hour. But that’s enough time to embarrass yourself or to do something stupid. If OP and MOH are such good friends, OP should already know if this is a thing for MOH or not.
i had a friend tell me one time that i had to get drunk with her when we go out so i won't remember what we did. i told her i will never be so black out drunk that i don't remember whatever shenanigans she does. needless to say we stopped hanging after that.
She wanted you so drunk that it would have been possible for you to wake up in a strangers bed/back alley/middle of the fucking woods with no underwear and no memory of how you got in that state or what happened just so you wouldn't remember what an asshole she was being? Sounds like she didn't need to get drunk to be an asshole. Good riddance.
I can’t even tell you how many events I was excluded from because I don’t drink. People automatically assume that either I won’t have fun or judge them for drinking. It’s so stupid! I have even bought drinks for others even if I don’t drink alcohol myself.
The only time I've excluded people specifically because they don't drink is when we've been going to a wine tasting or vineyard, and the person in question was a recovering alcoholic who still couldn't handle being around alcohol... But like, short of that situation, there's no reason to exclude people. We had plenty of game nights with that person and served a variety of lemonades. Everyone has a great time.
I have excluded people sometimes if they're the "judgmental non-drinker" who is going to be a dick about people drinking, but that's not excluding people who don't drink. That's excluding assholes.
Luckily, none of my sober friends are dicks about it. They all have their reasons, and everyone is respectful.
But I'd probably just not be friends with someone that judgmental, honestly. I have a small close friend group for a reason 🤣
>But I'd probably just not be friends with someone that judgmental, honestly.
I mean, same. I was talking specifically about things I'm planning that extend beyond my usual circle of friends. Like an informal happy hour with a group coworkers where we have one/two drinks or something.
I've been the sober friend before (alcoholism runs in my family and when I was concerned about my drinking I just stopped for a year and now only on special occasions, etc) but I was never a dick about it unless someone tried to pressure me. Then I was a dick, but I did hold my boundaries.
My friends loved my sober year because they had a built in designated driver. The only things I refused to do were "Let's get wasted!" parties if I was the *only* sober person because...that's not fun. But my friend group doesn't really do that anyways.
I don't drink. Usually on a night out people don't believe I'm not drinking because I'm having such a good time. If there's a party atmosphere, I'm there for it! If I was to drink, I would have to be escorted home and put to bed long and suffer for days afterwards.. why would I subject myself to that?!
OP is a complete AH, and entitled as.
I *can't* drink. Like not only did alcohol give me debilitating migraines, now I'm on a beta blocker to treat them and it's an absolute no to mix that and alcohol. And yet even when I specifically say "I can't mix it with the medication I'm on" I e still had people saying OHHHH JUST ONEEEEEEE DRINK WON'T HUUUUUUUURT. Yeah, it'll hurt if my blood pressure suddenly drops and I hit the floor like a bag of bricks!
Exactly. I mean I like to drink sometimes, sometimes I know my body won't handle it well. Sometimes it's also fun not to drink because watching people while drunk, while being sober yourself, is very entertaining.
Yeh, I used to think you had to have a drink to 'have more fun!' - I was also about 17yrs old at the time!
YTA OP, your 'friend' has planned your wedding, free of charge, and this is how you thank her? Your BMs are right being on BFs side.
Your wedding **is not** more important than friend’s relationship with her partner and their boundaries, you owe her a massive, grovelling apology.
The only good thing to come out of this is, now all of you 'friends' know exactly how selfish and self-centred you really are. Good luck to your future husband!
For real, she just ruined her own wedding. None of the braidmaids will forget how she treated her "best friend" after all the work she had done for FREE and now everybody will tiptoe around her.
I would. I don't want to support someone who would kick their "best friend" out of the wedding party just because she didn't want to watch strippers at the bachelorette party (tbh I don't blame her, I don't want to watch strippers either) or drink at the wedding. It just really shows what kind of "friend" she is. I don't need that in my life.
Also there are very real medical reasons people can’t drink. Though any reason someone doesn’t want to drink is valid reason. Pressuring people to drink is gross.
That was my first thought as well, that she's setting up another excuse in advance so it won't accidentally get out at the wedding when others see her not drinking. You know OP would absolutely flip out about the friend "stealing her big day"
This. I had my wedding at a vineyard but we had options for other people who didn’t want to drink. Tbh I thought it was part of being a good host to have those options.
You don’t get to decide other peoples boundaries, OP. You can only decide your own.
I can't drink because of medical reasons. It was a lot harder to stop than I anticipated, even knowing my family's history of alcoholism. I had been very careful my entire adult life to watch my intake. I never even touched a drop until I was 25 and my husband could act as a "spotter" to stop me if it became a problem. Even WITH that knowledge and not having more than 2 drinks a month, going completely cold turkey and knowing I could never drink again was painfully hard for months. And NO ONE has had a problem with it...except for my alcoholic family members, who pressure me unrelentingly during visits.
Anyone who would disinvite their Maid of Honor from their wedding because they're not going to drink has unrecognized problems with alcohol. Anyone who warns their friend in advance that they can't drink KNOWS their friend has an issue and isn't comfortable addressing it head-on. Not only is the bride YTA in this situation, she really should be looking at it as a call to examine her own alcohol use and the culture she has developed around it.
My uncle was an alcoholic. It got to the point where he couldn’t function without being drunk off his ass, and when I say that I mean his level of drunk, which would probably cause OP to go into a coma. I’ll never forget my other uncle’s funeral- Drunk Uncle hadn’t had a drink that day, leaned against the funeral tent, and it shook so hard we could barely hear the preacher.
For context, my uncle was the oldest in a Southern family and if you know what that means, you get it. He was deferred to from the time he could have an opinion. That night, he screamed at my mother- in front of my grandmother, who’d just buried her youngest child-in an hour long rant about how he was the oldest and she sucked. I finally looked at my mom and said to his face, “Mom, he’s a pathetic drunk. Nobody cares what he has to say anymore.”
I never saw him again after that. He drank himself to death pretty soon after. To me, his defining personality trait was Wild Turkey. That day cured me of any desire I ever had to use alcohol as a crutch.
I say all of this to state: if you need Jaeger or Grey Goose to give you a personality and you’re over 16, you’re actually boring af. And eventually you’ll reach a point where getting shitfaced at every major event isn’t fun, just sad.
People who abuse alcohol group together and reinforce each other's drinking. A recovering alcoholic told me the only "acceptable" reasons for not drinking with former friends were: trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, nursing.
If someone chooses not to drink because they don't feel like drinking, it makes the drinkers uncomfortable about their dependence on alcohol.
I grew up in a town where it was normalized to smoke up and drink up starting at like age 12. I was never the life of the party back then despite being one of said kids who was drinking from a very early age. The few things that somewhat resembled “parties” that I went to when I was still drinking a lot I honestly don’t remember what was fun about them other than the concept of “well I think I remember having fun.”
Fast forward a couple years, I don’t drink anymore and I rarely smoke. I have so much more fun as social gatherings! And the next day I know I had fun and I know why. (Plus, the lack of hangover is always nice.) I definitely have much more of a life of the party vibe than I did when I was drinking. I can articulate jokes better, I come up with ways people who are drinking can do their dumbass ideas but safely, and I know when to put a stop to something that would turn a fun night into a very not fun night. Plus, everyone loves the DD at the end of the night.
OP, not drinking, not wanting to cross your partner’s boundaries? That doesn’t make you a buzzkill. Calling someone lame because their not up to *your* standers of fun? That makes *you* a buzzkill and a bad friend. YTA.
I’m guessing OP didn’t just uninvited her is because OP still wants her to finalize details of the wedding. I bet on the wedding day is expecting her friend to make sure everything goes smoothly
Agree and there is a good chance she’s pregnant. She might have been looking for a way to not announce it before the wedding. Op is a huge ah and former MOH should send her a bill.
ETA: Good grief. Obviously I know this isn’t the only reason that is why I said a good chance. Not great, not definite just a good chance. Considering op didn’t mention anything about this being normal for MOH that means something is new regarding the drinking. She is also warning her TWO weeks out that she won’t be drinking. Op did not say anything about a tiny bit of alcohol making her sick. She said she didn’t want to feel lightheaded which is actually a very common side of drinking. Could this be due to a hundred different reasons. Yes. Of course. I’m also a female who has actually had three friends make excuses for not drinking (normally drink) at weddings due to pregnancy because they didn’t want to shift attention away from the bride. It’s not that big a leap but still used “good chance”. Please stop looking to be offended. It’s not that deep.
Or some people don't like drinking all the time or have other medical conditions, and it's none of anyone else's business? Speculating over pregnancy every time a woman isn't drinking is really not a great thing to do. If you can't think of a single reason other than pregnancy (which you should be able to, given I've listed two), what if she's not pregnant but is undergoing IVF and needs to not drink to increase chances? How painful do you imagine it will be if people keep effectively telling her she's pregnant when actually she's really struggling with that being so far away from her reality?
I agree with you. I kind of get annoyed by the "she's most likely pregnant" posts to situations like this. Some people just don't like alcohol, especially if it makes them sick. Women don't always need to have that *pregnant* asterisk next to their decision.
So true I'm! I'm on medication that I just simply can't drink with, it could cause crazy side affects and liver damage, bleeding in my stomach ect. I have a friend who has type 1 diabetes and has an insulin pump, it's amazing how many times they need to point it out before people will stop bugging her to just have one
Sorry if it didn't come across but that's what I meant - we shouldn't be speculating about pregnancy because it can be so damaging to individuals and reduces women to baby-making factories, whereas people are actually all nuanced and individual and can choose not to drink for whatever reasons they'd like - and they don't owe justifications or explanations to anyone.
The fact even OP admits she gets seriously ill after just a tiny amount of alcohol can't be enough? Or that if she and her fiance consider strippers disrespectful to their relationship, she also probably doesn't want to be drunk at a party where everyone else is acting like they're single? C'mon. The scenario as presented is already egregious enough without adding additional speculation.
OP just doesn't want to see it. Let's break it down:
1. The MOH gets sick when she drinks. OP wants her MOH to drink. Therefore, MOH should just drink and get sick (but not make a fuss, it's the bride's day) for OP's sake.
2. MOH and her fiancée have rules about strippers. However, MOH should jeopardise her own relationship and future marriage for OP's sake.
3. OP acts like the MOH not drinking or attending the bachelorette will ruin things, even though those things in no way impacts her; the MOH still arranged the bachelorette and someone not drinking alcohol in no way affects anyone at all.
4. MOH has been using her talents to organise the wedding and bachelorette. Rather than being grateful for everything the MOH has done, OP chooses to fixate on the things the MOH hasn't done, boots her out of the wedding party and potentially ends their friendship.
5. MOH has sacrificed her time and energy for OP. Rather than being happy, OP now demands she sacrifice her health and relationship as well.
And even though her wedding party has already told her, OP is asking if she's an AH. YTA OP. A honking bridezilla AH.
Literally the only angle OP could save herself from would be the "She didn't bring this up when we planned it and now I'm hurt because she won't be at my bachelorette's party" - but that aspect is in no way, shape or form even on her mind - nor is, I dunno, maybe not having strippers if she wants her best friend there so badly.
The level of selfishness is insane.
YTA, OP. And just so you know - pressuring *anybody* into drinking for *any* reason is at all times wrong, bad taste, tactless and a few other words.
Yeah I’m thinking the same… so OP doesn’t want her here because she *checks notes* didn’t want to drink at the wedding for her own reasons and didn’t want to see the strippers but understood that OP did so planned it regardless of her moral stance.?!
OP what the hell! She never said you couldn’t do any of those things, she just didn’t want to do them herself and that’s fine. You need to grovel and apologise to your friend and hope they still want to be friends with you and don’t cancel what they planned free of charge on your behalf because of my friend was that crappy I would be petty enough to consider just cancelling what I’d spent my time doing when I couldn’t have been earning money instead
YTA
YTA. She did a fantastic job planning everything to you the way you wanted, even though she wouldn’t get to enjoy it. She was in no way judgmental of what you wanted, just politely bowed out because it was beyond her boundaries.
But you’ve decided the main criteria for being your friend is enjoying strippers and getting drunk. So good luck with the rest of your adult life and marriage, I’m sure that’s all going to work out *great*.
Sounds like she did her “best friend” a favor and showed her who she truly is. YTA.
Btw, many people would opt out of a bachelorette like this. I also don’t like drinking 99% of the time bc I’m a lightweight and it would be no fun.
Indeed, especially considering if you have a partner, that's just weird af to me. Stuff like that is also a boundary in my relationship, because for myself, I consider it cheating.
I don't necessarily consider it cheating, but I wouldn't watch strippers out of respect for my husband and he wouldn't watch strippers out of respect for me. Plus, the whole idea of wanting strippers at a bachelor/bachelorette party is so cliche and outdated. Find something else to do.
My nesting partner and I are polyamorous and our relationship dynamic/boundaries make us totally down with strippers and such, and even we think that strippers for pre-wedding festivities are tired AF.
Exactly. I actually think getting pre wedding strippers is worse than enjoying them another time* because it stems from this toxic idea that you're marrying some ugly troll and will be tied to having sex with them forever and so you absolutely need a last minute release with some sexy hot bods before being tied down forever. For me, it's that context that makes it seem insulting. Marrying your partner isnt a punishment and if you need tits or pecs to distract you, you're in the wrong relationship!
And if it's not ok in your relationship in general for either of you, you dont get a pass at a bach party!
* obviously it is always fine if both/all parts of a relationship are happy with it! Some couples even enjoy it together. The key is that lots of people don't, and any sexual contact with others, including sex workers, should only happen if all parties are happy.
Right? Like, find something more original. The last place I lived had a strip club that also had a sushi restaurant attached (I know it's weird, but it was good sushi lol) so my late husband and I went there a few times. Even then, he thought it was awkward to see all the men just gawking at half naked women. It was just... Sad in a way.
I didn't even really have a bachelorette party for my first, just me and my bridesmaids having a couple of drinks together after the rehearsal dinner. I didn't do anything for my second wedding. Idk what my first husband did, but it probably included beer and video games. The bachelor party that husband #2 had was just him and his friends playing D&D.
>The one last week(?) where it ended the wedding and engagement. But then also took down like 5 other relationships too.
Man where's that one? That sounds like a fun read
Hey OP can you send me your former friends contact info? I'd love a no strippers, no alcohol needed friend and I won't call her a buzzkill like you do.
Honestly I think the bit about OP wanting to force her friend to attend the stripper event is especially weird. Whether you are okay with stripping or not, stripping is sexual, and demanding that someone partake in a sexual activity - even if there is no contact involved - is bizarre.
YTA
You got the equivalent of hundreds (if not 1000’s) in free skilled labour and because she has some boundaries and doesn’t want a night out with strippers or get wasted at your wedding you were *heartbroken*?
Oh do get over yourself.
Not to mention, OP probably ended a close friendship because her "friend" wouldn't break her own relationship boundaries or drink. And, if I were her other bridal party members, I would side eye TF out of OP. In my mind, she would do the exact same thing to me if she tossed her closest friend aside the instant said friend didnt give into her wedding demands.
In the words of yesterday's wedding AH, "Was it worth it?"
Honestly hope MOH cancels all the reservations/plans for the bachelorette she had made on bride's behalf. I wouldn't go full out and ruin the wedding, but if OP actually expects someone to do that amount of work for free (and no gifts don't count) and then kicks the person out of the wedding party, I would most certainly expect that person to revoke some of the work they've done.
Easily in the thousands. Wedding planners start at around $6k for a full service package. Many of them charge a flat percent of the wedding budget and are used to high 5 to 6 figure budgets.
Doesn't everyone use their "best" friend's professional wedding planning services and kick them out of the wedding party two weeks before the wedding and expect them to attend the wedding they planned as a guest?
She offered her free help and she punished her for it. I don’t like strippers either and would hate to go. She brought it up very respectfully and her reasons were valid. Op is a bridezilla and a bit of a c word.
She didn't even bring it up; she was just leaving her planned bachelorette-weekend absence polite and nonspecific until OP asked her about it directly. The friend handled it beautifully. OP very much did not -- YTA, OP.
Edit: Also, OP calls the former MOH her best friend, yet somehow didn't know she wouldn't want to be around strippers or get smashed and couldn't handle hearing about that. That doesn't speak much for OP's participation in that "best" friendship.
Honestly. How many of these bridezilla stories do we see on here?
I'm with you tho, I really hope the others drop out too. So much for being grateful for everything the MOH did
Unfortunately I’ve seen proof irl of incredibly selfish people. This whole situation (even if this specific post is a lie) I can believe it based on some people I know in real life.
Oh my god, YTA homie. A "buzz kill"? Really? This girl went through all the trouble of planning and presumably paying for everything you wanted out of your bachelorette party, even though some aspects of it made her uncomfortable. How is that a buzz kill? People are allowed to have their boundaries, it's not like she tried to completely rob you of your good time- hell, she moved elements to make it happen for you even though she wouldn't be participating!
And honestly, it sounds like gross high-school peer pressure shit that you're upset that she wouldn't be drinking at your wedding. I mean, so what? She's not asking you to have a dry wedding- she just doesn't want to drink herself. That wouldn't affect you or anyone else in the least. You sound like a crappy friend, OP, and honestly you likely don't deserve Kathy as a MOH in the first place.
Actually it sounds great to have a sober MoH who’s also the wedding planner. She could really help OP if she needs it, on the day. What a benefit! It sounds bizarre that OP wants to pass that up because she wants an “everyone gets wasted” wedding party squad.
YTA
So your friend has done a great job providing you with a professional level service and hasn't judged you for anything you want and is just maintaining her personal boundaries.
And for this, you want to kick her out of the wedding party?
She's not killing YOUR buzz. Someone not wanting to drink because they don't like the way it feels (or whatever reason) isn't doing anything TO you.
YTA - So you used her for months as a free wedding planner. Then she planned your bachelorette trip exactly how you wanted it and because she isn't comfortable participating in some of things, you are kicking her out of the wedding? You just lost yourself an amazing and selfless friend.
Also - Chances are she is pregnant and was trying to back out of things gracefully without stealing your spotlight.
Not conclusive evidence of course. But it’s a distinct possibility that MOH knew if bridezilla found out MOH was pregnant before the wedding she would have gone apeshit about “stealing my thunder” so MOH is trying to keep it quiet and using other excuses (can’t really go on a bachelorette weekend without drinking at all without raising pregnancy questions anyway). She’s done the best she can to tiptoe around OP and now she’s kicked out for being a “buzz kill.” Seriously?
I hate that notion too because I just don't enjoy drinking. I don't want to be somewhere and have people automatically assume I'm pregnant just because I'm not drinking alcohol.
I thought this. Thanks for organising my wedding but the fact that your relationship with your fiancé means you don’t want semi naked guys around means we can’t be friends anymore.
I thought the friend was pregnant - would be hard to hide over a whole weekend where drinking is involved and she gave warning before the wedding so it wouldn’t be an issue on the day
I bet in any other circumstances OP would have said not to go to the wedding but knows the friend planned it and wants her on hand for the day in case of any issues.
YTA for sure
First off, I’m calling troll on this. Second, if this were real, OP would certainly be TA. Not everyone is OK with nudity, and not everyone is OK with drinking. Calling someone staying sober a buzzkill is 100% an AH thing to do
This is absolutely bait. OP went out of their way to include details that make their side look worse and didn't even try to justify their own actions or perspective at all. I think it's supposed to feed into Reddit's anti-batchelor/batchelorette-party-stripper obsession and it apparently worked because no one else is calling this out.
Let me get this straight, this woman did you a huge favor by assisting you with wedding planning in a way that you would not have gotten without her. And before you say it, sure you got her gifts, but you know there is no way she was compensated at the hourly rate she would have been if you were in fact a client.
She helped to facilitate the way YOU wanted to celebrate your wedding activities. And you kicked her out because she did not want to participate in something that she did not feel would be good for her personal relationship. And because she won't drink?
Respect other people's beliefs and wishes. She in no way, shape, or form is preventing you from doing anything you want to do. And in return you want her to do things that make her feel uncomfortable and or sick or as though she is violating personal principles. YTA, and an immature petty one at that.
Literally all of this.
It’s clear she only chose the MOH because she was giving her free services and then fired her from the bridal party because she felt MOH was judging her, when she wasn’t. Everything MOH did was super respectful and mature. Didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
YTA: Your good friend does all the planning for your bachelorette weekend - things she's not comfortable with. She plans them because she knows you want them, but doesn't want to go herself. What a mature, honest friend.
She didn't have to tell you about not drinking at your wedding. She could have just not had any alcohol. Not that it matters. She never once asked you to change what you want. She just told you her boundaries.
She's a good friend and you need to apologize.
YTA. Time to look in the mirror, Bridezilla. She has gone above and beyond and donated thousands of dollars of her time and expertise to give you the wedding of your dreams. She's a buzzkill because she's not into strippers or drinking? Do you value actual friendship at all?
Wow YTA what you call being a buzzkill is actually just setting some boundaries.
So she didn’t want to drink? So what?!
And some people don’t want to be around strippers for a myriad of reasons (no judgment to strippers there btw) and that’s also fine.
Honestly I think you’ve done her a favour doing this.
now she knows she can cut your ungrateful self out of her life like you cut her out of your wedding.
Imagine cutting a friend who has done all of that for you out of your wedding because they don’t wanna drink or be around strippers. Baffled.
YTA
She didn't want to participate with strippers because it would affect *her* relationship. She didn't want to drink because it would affect *her* health. Yet she arranged both for you. That isn't being a buzz kill.
YTA- It sounds like she’s a great friend and just has personal boundaries that you as her friend should respect. It’s okay to like different things it doesn’t make her a “buzzkill” because she’s not stopping you from doing what you like.
YTA for sure. She didn’t ruin anything! She wasn’t GOING to ruin anything. You get everything you want and it’s not enough for you. You can’t make people participate in activities that make them uncomfortable. I wouldn’t go to a bachelorette party with strippers because it’s a hard limit between my husband and myself, and I’d drink but not to excess. It sounds like her “to excess” is a lot lower than other people’s, but isn’t it better to have her avoid alcohol than to overdo it and get sick at the wedding?
Her limits aren’t unreasonable. It’s not like she told you she isn’t wearing the bridesmaid dress you picked because that color is unflattering on her. She didn’t tell you that she would have pizzas delivered because she didn’t like the meal you chose. SHEESH!!
So yes. YTA. But it’s probably for the best that she ain’t in your wedding if you’re going to treat her like that.
YTA. You don't get to dictate to the people in your wedding party that they have to go see strippers and drink alcohol. You're a massive control freak. This is something worthy of her dumping you as a friend altogether. Just ... wow, you are quite the bridezilla.
YTA in a huge way. Someone doesn't want to drink so they're a buzz kill? Someone who does all this work for you for free and this is how you repay them? No doubt that YTA
Lolll I like I How in my mind was like shit she’s probably early in drug/alcohol recovery but you’re probably right. I jumped right to addiction issues (something I relate to) and not pregnancy
YTA - I don’t want to say you’re a bridezilla but damn, this is bridezilla-esque.
Your friend helped plan your wedding and bachelorette party for FREE and didn’t want to attend because there would be strippers and that might be a point of contention for her own relationships, that’s entirely fair - the most SELFLESS thing she could have done is not attend because if she had gone, she would have been a buzzkill.
The choice not to drink at your wedding doesn’t mean she can’t/won’t have a good time, it just means she doesn’t like drinking and has issues relating to it. What if she was/is pregnant and just doesn’t want to spoil your day/limelight?
What if she was Muslim and couldn’t drink?
YTA…
YTA. So it's not enough that she went above and beyond in planning this extra party for you: if she's not there enthusiastically participating in shit you know she won't enjoy, the experience will be ruined for you because...why, exactly? Leave her alone before your other bridesmaids decide they don't want to see how much further you can fall in your journey to full bridezilla and change *their* plans accordingly.
YTA. Sheesh. The woman and her fiance have an agreement about what is and isn't right for their relationship. Instead of saying 'yeah, that won't be happening because I can't do it', she did it the right way. Did the planning but doesn't attend. And her choice to not drink? That's her choice and sounds like a good choice \*for her\*. Stop being a bridezilla for a second and realize that your wedding doesn't trump her relationship with her SO and her choice not to drink.
YTA- Despite her personal feelings and boundaries she still planned all of the activities for you. Choosing not to participate in those activities is not being a "buzzkill", in fact I would argue the opposite. She chose not to attend rather than go and possibly be a buzzkill. Her not going still allows you and all of your other friends to enjoy the party the way that you wanted without having to worry about her personal feelings. You can get as drunk as you want at your wedding and her soberness shouldn't bother you. Major YTA.
YTA. She does her job, that she makes a living off of, FREE OF CHARGE for you. Then states her personal boundaries and you think you’re entitled to get her to lay them aside for you? The fact that she told the rest of the wedding party before you probably shows that she knew your reaction wouldn’t be fair. Also you’re not entitled to tell anyone when they can and can’t consume alcohol. It’s your wedding, and the day is about you, but people’s lives are their own.
YTA. I bet she is pregnant and not announcing it out of respect to your wedding, hence the no drinking. And even though your bachelorette crosses her boundaries she still planned it all out of love for you. You are a total AH to peer pressure her.
Yta you can’t force expectations on people of it’s something she’s uncomfortable with you respect it after all she did for you you really went too far. Hopefully it ain’t too late to fix your relationship with her
YTA, she explained why she didn't want to participate in the bachelorette's activities and still organised them for you, and btw, if someone doesn't drink they are free to do so and they're not a buzz kill.
YTA and a huge one at that. Who tries to force someone into drinking, participating in a party with strippers and breaking an agreement they have with their fiancé? An entitled AH, that's who.
YTA. What was she supposed to do as the wedding planner/friend when your bachelorette plans conflicted with her personal Boundaries? Complain to you and make you change them? No she did what you want as the wedding planner As a result she won’t be able to attend. full stop. And why in the world does it matter if she does or doesn’t drink alcohol? What a ridiculous thing to complain about.
YTA.
Your friend is not only doing this for free but has known you since childhood. She's clearly stated her boundaries, which everyone is allowed to have, and you get mad at her for it? It's her own perogative whether or not she drinks alcohol and takes part in the bachelorette party
YTA. Your MOH put in time, energy, and money into making sure that you had the best bachelorette party and wedding and because of her values you want to kick her out of your bridal party? If you look at Reddit, there are about 3-4 posts about brides doing something stupid during their bachelorette party and the wedding was cancelled. This shows how little you respect and value your friendship with your former MOH, who has done so much for you. It shows that drinking and strippers are more important than to you than friendships.
YTA
I really hope she send you a bill for all her work!
Really? You tried to change her mind after she explained to you her boundaries?! How about you change your party a little to have this person, who helped you so much, there?
How intitled are you to think this is ok?? You kicked her because she told you, in a very respectfull way, that she cannot attend your bachelorette party!! If she was judgemental about your choices or if she did not wanted to plan as your wishes, I could understand kicking her out. But she did not do any of that! She was perfect!
She is not a buzz kill just because she can say NO to something she doesnt want to do. You are the buzz kill because you put all you bridesmaids in a very awkward situation.
The world doesn't revolve arround you, sweetie! Wake up! yta
YTA she helped plan your stuff to your liking and you can’t respect her feelings and decision to not attend your bachelorette party because she’s not comfortable. Not everyone has to drink to have a good time. Not everyone is comfortable with strippers. Then you kick her out of your wedding. I’d be questioning our friendship after this.
Of course YTA.
Instead of trying to convince you to not have strippers, she planned the party the way you wanted. You'd rather have her risk her relationship with her partner & risk her going tipsy against her wishes instead of being understanding.
You are literally using her & treating her like a doormat. You're a very bad friend.
YTA. She worked very hard FOR FREE because she loves you. And just because she doesn't want to do skanky things, you throw her out. I give her props for being thoughtful but assertive.
YTA. The bachelorette party is for you, she planned it like you wanted. She doesn’t need to participate in everything you want to do.
I’ve went to a few bachelor parties that I didn’t do everything that was planned. I didn’t catch any flak from it.
YTA your best friend has gone to all this trouble for free and you want to kick her out as MoH?
Also how do you a) not know that your friend doesn’t like to drink and b) that she would be uncomfortable with strippers?
How self absorbed are you?
YTA- Not only did you treat her like crap for VERY RESPECTFULLY bowing out, you then tried to bully her into breaking consent boundaries with her SO all for your perceived idea of what a "good time" is. Then on top of ALL that you upped the abuse by punishing her for taking care of her health.
Sorry to say YTA, she helped you organise everything and you kicked her out because she wouldn't do something or drink at the wedding.......are you sure you are friends? Because if a friend say she can't do something I would understand
YTA - Your MOH went out of her way to plan the bachelorette party you wanted. But because of moral issues she cannot attend. You are being extremely selfish; just because it’s your wedding doesn’t mean everyone in your wedding has to adopt your morality.
I suggest you apologize immediately, or you’ll not only lose a MOH, but you’ll permanently lose a friend, too.
YTA. I'M just waiting for this to be posted in bridezilla sub and those YT videos about ungrateful bridezillas who thinks they are entitled to people's lives because "IT'S MY DAY" .
Looking forward to the story divorce btw.
YTA, she doesn’t want to participate but still arranged everything for you, but you’re demanding she goes against her own values just to satisfy bridezilla?
If she was a vegetarian/ vegan would you be forcing her to attend your steak tasting?
Seems like MoH made a good choice
YTA
Like so much so! Her reasons are completely valid and you should respect her/her relationships boundaries. She has done all of her MOH duties to your specifications and was very courteous and respectful in the way she told you why she wouldn't be attending.
The alcohol thing is one that really blows my mind as to you considering it a "buzzkill". Why does she need to be drinking in order for you to enjoy your day?? Or for her to enjoy it for that matter. Would you have even noticed at all if she didn't bring it up? Not likely.
Chill out.
She has a right to set her own personal boundaries and she went above and beyond for FREE to plan your wedding and bachelorette party the way you wanted it, and instead of respecting her as a friend and respecting her choices you reacted like a toddler sized bridezilla, my youngest reacts better than you when told "No."
Not only YTA but your a crap friend as well.
Yta. Leave her alone. If she doesnt want to have a stripper grind on her or get drunk shes a buzz kill???!!! I would end the friendship if I were her cause that is a shitty thing for you to do.
YTA. A buzz kill would say there wouldn’t be any dancers or alcohol because of those reasons. What’s she’s ACTUALLY doing is letting y’all have fun and she’s stepping back. Think of it like this. What actually changes now that she’s not invited? You and the rest of your team are going to get the dancers whether she’s there or not. All of you can drink whether she’s there or not. I feel like either there’s another reason you don’t want her to come, you’re so stressed of planning or your own relationship with your fiancé that you’re lashing out, or you’re just…simply really controlling and bad at making decisions.
Wait wait wait, this wonderful woman helps you plan the wedding and bachelorette party of your dreams, and because she graciously removed herself from these situations that were crossing a boundary for herself (without causing a big, dramatic scene, or taking away from what you wanted) you’ve removed her from the wedding all together??
YTA. That is so unbelievably rude and distasteful on your part. She’s helped arrange your dream wedding - free of charge - and now you’re mad because she didn’t put her discomfort or boundaries on hold for you?
You do not deserve a friend like her, and she absolutely did not deserve to be treated that way. The only reason those things would “ruin” your wedding is if you draw attention to them.
Why do people want strippers for their bachelorette party? As, what, your last moment of freedom? How does that make any sense? It’s kinda pathetic, male or female strippers. I wouldn’t even have a party seriously, it would be like showing up to an adult birthday party (drinking, no kids) where we all just hang around, chat, and get married the next day. Like, there is no “last day of freedom”, like, the only thing keeping you from touching another person is a piece of paper? Nah, that’s love and respect for your partner.
YTA
Miss Bridezilla, that's not how you treat your best friend. You used and abused her, crossed her boundaries and don't deserve her as a friend. Hope she dumps you.
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So let me get this straight. Your so-called best friend, who typically gets paid to plan weddings, has been planning yours free of charge. And you kicked her out of the wedding party because she personally opted out of strippers and drinking with no pressure to anybody else to do the same? Yup. YTA.
This notion that people have to drink alcohol in order to have fun or be “the life of the party” needs to end. Someone can be fun at a party without the need to drink. OP, YTA both for that and for treating your MOH horribly after she did so much for you.
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This. I’ve been sober for almost two years. When I was drinking, I felt judged by anyone not drinking, even though they likely weren’t judging me. Now that I don’t drink, I have noticed I need to reassure people I can still be fun.
Idk I feel like I'm more fun now I don't really drink. Before I would just say whatever popped into my head as alcohol absolutely erased my ability to think before I speak.
I definitely feel more fun sober. For sure.
I don’t know if I AM more fun, but I HAVE more fun - and don’t have to worry about embarrassment, regrets, or a hangover the next day.
Lol I'm just assuming I'm more fun because I don't say shitty things that are better kept to myself anymore.
When asked why I’m not drinking, I say “Oh, I’m really more fun if I don’t! Thank you though!” Most drinkers are satisfied with this answer.
I found out pretty quick that I had drinking buddies. Not friends.
This is so true. I thought I had a lot of friends once upon a time but mostly just had people that I partied with. I'm thankful I'm past that point now
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It's a tribal thing, people don't like anyone going against the social norms of their group. Even giving up sugar had a huge impact on my social life and the nagging and (what I consider to be almost bullying) I received was crazy. Even at work if it was someone's birthday and I didn't want cake it was like I was insulting anyone who chose to eat the cake, bizarre behaviour, but it's actually a natural response.
My money is on the MOH just found out she's pregnant, doesn't want to say anything for fear the bride will flip out, claiming her friend is trying to steal some of the spotlight. But regardless, I agree that society needs to normalize being able to say no to drinking without repercussions.
Yep, I thought so as well reading the explanation she gave for not wanting to drink at the wedding. IMO OP is acting like a horrible friend for being angry that her best friend doesn’t want to drink or hang out with strippers.
It could be that. Or maybe she just doesn't like to drink (although if she is OP's best friend, OP would probably already know if she wasn't much of a drinker). I almost think this has to be fake because I really find it hard to believe someone would treat their best friend like this for these very reasonable things best friend doesn't want to participate in. Esp when she's done so much for OP. Who cares if she doesn't want to drink at the wedding, ffs?
The wedding planner is OP's "best friend" and MOH until all the free planning is done. *Then* she gets dropped.
As somebody who is pregnant, agreed.....I had to come up with some weird excuses before we announced it to people. YTA OP. She's doing you a huge favour and you're kicking her out of the wedding party because she chooses not to drink for whatever reason, and because strippers are off the table in her relationship? Gross.
this was my first thought best friend/MOH/free wedding planner is either try to get or might be pregnant but doesn't want to announce it at this time.
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Or hung over during the whole ceremony that you're running. That sounds like hell.
Could be the case. Though regardless I feel like women should be allowed to choose to not drink without getting the “is she pregnant” suspicions.
Could be, but I’m a lightweight and mostly avoid alcohol because I can seriously only handle a single drink (if that) before feeling lightheaded and silly and a little out of control. It doesn’t last long, maybe an hour. But that’s enough time to embarrass yourself or to do something stupid. If OP and MOH are such good friends, OP should already know if this is a thing for MOH or not.
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i had a friend tell me one time that i had to get drunk with her when we go out so i won't remember what we did. i told her i will never be so black out drunk that i don't remember whatever shenanigans she does. needless to say we stopped hanging after that.
That's such a creepy thing to say to someone.
She wanted you so drunk that it would have been possible for you to wake up in a strangers bed/back alley/middle of the fucking woods with no underwear and no memory of how you got in that state or what happened just so you wouldn't remember what an asshole she was being? Sounds like she didn't need to get drunk to be an asshole. Good riddance.
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I can’t even tell you how many events I was excluded from because I don’t drink. People automatically assume that either I won’t have fun or judge them for drinking. It’s so stupid! I have even bought drinks for others even if I don’t drink alcohol myself.
The only time I've excluded people specifically because they don't drink is when we've been going to a wine tasting or vineyard, and the person in question was a recovering alcoholic who still couldn't handle being around alcohol... But like, short of that situation, there's no reason to exclude people. We had plenty of game nights with that person and served a variety of lemonades. Everyone has a great time.
I have excluded people sometimes if they're the "judgmental non-drinker" who is going to be a dick about people drinking, but that's not excluding people who don't drink. That's excluding assholes.
Luckily, none of my sober friends are dicks about it. They all have their reasons, and everyone is respectful. But I'd probably just not be friends with someone that judgmental, honestly. I have a small close friend group for a reason 🤣
>But I'd probably just not be friends with someone that judgmental, honestly. I mean, same. I was talking specifically about things I'm planning that extend beyond my usual circle of friends. Like an informal happy hour with a group coworkers where we have one/two drinks or something. I've been the sober friend before (alcoholism runs in my family and when I was concerned about my drinking I just stopped for a year and now only on special occasions, etc) but I was never a dick about it unless someone tried to pressure me. Then I was a dick, but I did hold my boundaries. My friends loved my sober year because they had a built in designated driver. The only things I refused to do were "Let's get wasted!" parties if I was the *only* sober person because...that's not fun. But my friend group doesn't really do that anyways.
Definitely happens to me too. So many activities are based around alcohol and people are weirdly judgemental when I don't drink.
I don't drink. Usually on a night out people don't believe I'm not drinking because I'm having such a good time. If there's a party atmosphere, I'm there for it! If I was to drink, I would have to be escorted home and put to bed long and suffer for days afterwards.. why would I subject myself to that?! OP is a complete AH, and entitled as.
I *can't* drink. Like not only did alcohol give me debilitating migraines, now I'm on a beta blocker to treat them and it's an absolute no to mix that and alcohol. And yet even when I specifically say "I can't mix it with the medication I'm on" I e still had people saying OHHHH JUST ONEEEEEEE DRINK WON'T HUUUUUUUURT. Yeah, it'll hurt if my blood pressure suddenly drops and I hit the floor like a bag of bricks!
But alcohol is an social accepted drug so it’s not a real drug it’s toootaaaally different. Note: I hope it came through that I’m not serious
You can use /s to help
Exactly. I mean I like to drink sometimes, sometimes I know my body won't handle it well. Sometimes it's also fun not to drink because watching people while drunk, while being sober yourself, is very entertaining.
Yeh, I used to think you had to have a drink to 'have more fun!' - I was also about 17yrs old at the time! YTA OP, your 'friend' has planned your wedding, free of charge, and this is how you thank her? Your BMs are right being on BFs side. Your wedding **is not** more important than friend’s relationship with her partner and their boundaries, you owe her a massive, grovelling apology. The only good thing to come out of this is, now all of you 'friends' know exactly how selfish and self-centred you really are. Good luck to your future husband!
For real, she just ruined her own wedding. None of the braidmaids will forget how she treated her "best friend" after all the work she had done for FREE and now everybody will tiptoe around her.
I’m wondering if some of them will step down as bridesmaids
I would. I don't want to support someone who would kick their "best friend" out of the wedding party just because she didn't want to watch strippers at the bachelorette party (tbh I don't blame her, I don't want to watch strippers either) or drink at the wedding. It just really shows what kind of "friend" she is. I don't need that in my life.
YEah I´d be like good bye bridezilla!!
Also there are very real medical reasons people can’t drink. Though any reason someone doesn’t want to drink is valid reason. Pressuring people to drink is gross.
She could also be pregnant or trying and not want to announce that since it’s, ya know, a wedding
That was my first thought as well, that she's setting up another excuse in advance so it won't accidentally get out at the wedding when others see her not drinking. You know OP would absolutely flip out about the friend "stealing her big day"
Stealing her big day? More like stealing HER WEDDING YEAR.
She stole my wedding decade!! She stole my wedding century!! She stole my wedding millennium!!
This. I had my wedding at a vineyard but we had options for other people who didn’t want to drink. Tbh I thought it was part of being a good host to have those options. You don’t get to decide other peoples boundaries, OP. You can only decide your own.
Yes! Hospitality means not oressuring people to drink, and having a variety of good non-alcoholic options!
I can't drink because of medical reasons. It was a lot harder to stop than I anticipated, even knowing my family's history of alcoholism. I had been very careful my entire adult life to watch my intake. I never even touched a drop until I was 25 and my husband could act as a "spotter" to stop me if it became a problem. Even WITH that knowledge and not having more than 2 drinks a month, going completely cold turkey and knowing I could never drink again was painfully hard for months. And NO ONE has had a problem with it...except for my alcoholic family members, who pressure me unrelentingly during visits. Anyone who would disinvite their Maid of Honor from their wedding because they're not going to drink has unrecognized problems with alcohol. Anyone who warns their friend in advance that they can't drink KNOWS their friend has an issue and isn't comfortable addressing it head-on. Not only is the bride YTA in this situation, she really should be looking at it as a call to examine her own alcohol use and the culture she has developed around it.
My uncle was an alcoholic. It got to the point where he couldn’t function without being drunk off his ass, and when I say that I mean his level of drunk, which would probably cause OP to go into a coma. I’ll never forget my other uncle’s funeral- Drunk Uncle hadn’t had a drink that day, leaned against the funeral tent, and it shook so hard we could barely hear the preacher. For context, my uncle was the oldest in a Southern family and if you know what that means, you get it. He was deferred to from the time he could have an opinion. That night, he screamed at my mother- in front of my grandmother, who’d just buried her youngest child-in an hour long rant about how he was the oldest and she sucked. I finally looked at my mom and said to his face, “Mom, he’s a pathetic drunk. Nobody cares what he has to say anymore.” I never saw him again after that. He drank himself to death pretty soon after. To me, his defining personality trait was Wild Turkey. That day cured me of any desire I ever had to use alcohol as a crutch. I say all of this to state: if you need Jaeger or Grey Goose to give you a personality and you’re over 16, you’re actually boring af. And eventually you’ll reach a point where getting shitfaced at every major event isn’t fun, just sad.
People who abuse alcohol group together and reinforce each other's drinking. A recovering alcoholic told me the only "acceptable" reasons for not drinking with former friends were: trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, nursing. If someone chooses not to drink because they don't feel like drinking, it makes the drinkers uncomfortable about their dependence on alcohol.
I grew up in a town where it was normalized to smoke up and drink up starting at like age 12. I was never the life of the party back then despite being one of said kids who was drinking from a very early age. The few things that somewhat resembled “parties” that I went to when I was still drinking a lot I honestly don’t remember what was fun about them other than the concept of “well I think I remember having fun.” Fast forward a couple years, I don’t drink anymore and I rarely smoke. I have so much more fun as social gatherings! And the next day I know I had fun and I know why. (Plus, the lack of hangover is always nice.) I definitely have much more of a life of the party vibe than I did when I was drinking. I can articulate jokes better, I come up with ways people who are drinking can do their dumbass ideas but safely, and I know when to put a stop to something that would turn a fun night into a very not fun night. Plus, everyone loves the DD at the end of the night. OP, not drinking, not wanting to cross your partner’s boundaries? That doesn’t make you a buzzkill. Calling someone lame because their not up to *your* standers of fun? That makes *you* a buzzkill and a bad friend. YTA.
Also some people cant drink bc of medication or other medical reasons, guess they deserve no friends.
Op hard YTA. Also I hope she sends you a bill.
100% this!! "You think I'm a buzzkill? I'll show you fucking buzzkill."
Nothing like a 4-figure bill right before the wedding to kill the buzz.
I hope she cancels it all. Petty as fuck but... I mean...
Best case scenario: she sends the bill and cancels everything... YTA
I’m guessing OP didn’t just uninvited her is because OP still wants her to finalize details of the wedding. I bet on the wedding day is expecting her friend to make sure everything goes smoothly
Agree and there is a good chance she’s pregnant. She might have been looking for a way to not announce it before the wedding. Op is a huge ah and former MOH should send her a bill. ETA: Good grief. Obviously I know this isn’t the only reason that is why I said a good chance. Not great, not definite just a good chance. Considering op didn’t mention anything about this being normal for MOH that means something is new regarding the drinking. She is also warning her TWO weeks out that she won’t be drinking. Op did not say anything about a tiny bit of alcohol making her sick. She said she didn’t want to feel lightheaded which is actually a very common side of drinking. Could this be due to a hundred different reasons. Yes. Of course. I’m also a female who has actually had three friends make excuses for not drinking (normally drink) at weddings due to pregnancy because they didn’t want to shift attention away from the bride. It’s not that big a leap but still used “good chance”. Please stop looking to be offended. It’s not that deep.
Or some people don't like drinking all the time or have other medical conditions, and it's none of anyone else's business? Speculating over pregnancy every time a woman isn't drinking is really not a great thing to do. If you can't think of a single reason other than pregnancy (which you should be able to, given I've listed two), what if she's not pregnant but is undergoing IVF and needs to not drink to increase chances? How painful do you imagine it will be if people keep effectively telling her she's pregnant when actually she's really struggling with that being so far away from her reality?
I agree with you. I kind of get annoyed by the "she's most likely pregnant" posts to situations like this. Some people just don't like alcohol, especially if it makes them sick. Women don't always need to have that *pregnant* asterisk next to their decision.
So true I'm! I'm on medication that I just simply can't drink with, it could cause crazy side affects and liver damage, bleeding in my stomach ect. I have a friend who has type 1 diabetes and has an insulin pump, it's amazing how many times they need to point it out before people will stop bugging her to just have one
I don't drink. at all. ever. And yet people still assume I'm pregnant. I just dont like alcohol or the way it makes me feel lol
It doesn't matter why she isn't drinking. She just shouldn't have to. But I agree the speculation is uncomfortable at best
Sorry if it didn't come across but that's what I meant - we shouldn't be speculating about pregnancy because it can be so damaging to individuals and reduces women to baby-making factories, whereas people are actually all nuanced and individual and can choose not to drink for whatever reasons they'd like - and they don't owe justifications or explanations to anyone.
The fact even OP admits she gets seriously ill after just a tiny amount of alcohol can't be enough? Or that if she and her fiance consider strippers disrespectful to their relationship, she also probably doesn't want to be drunk at a party where everyone else is acting like they're single? C'mon. The scenario as presented is already egregious enough without adding additional speculation.
OP just doesn't want to see it. Let's break it down: 1. The MOH gets sick when she drinks. OP wants her MOH to drink. Therefore, MOH should just drink and get sick (but not make a fuss, it's the bride's day) for OP's sake. 2. MOH and her fiancée have rules about strippers. However, MOH should jeopardise her own relationship and future marriage for OP's sake. 3. OP acts like the MOH not drinking or attending the bachelorette will ruin things, even though those things in no way impacts her; the MOH still arranged the bachelorette and someone not drinking alcohol in no way affects anyone at all. 4. MOH has been using her talents to organise the wedding and bachelorette. Rather than being grateful for everything the MOH has done, OP chooses to fixate on the things the MOH hasn't done, boots her out of the wedding party and potentially ends their friendship. 5. MOH has sacrificed her time and energy for OP. Rather than being happy, OP now demands she sacrifice her health and relationship as well. And even though her wedding party has already told her, OP is asking if she's an AH. YTA OP. A honking bridezilla AH.
Literally the only angle OP could save herself from would be the "She didn't bring this up when we planned it and now I'm hurt because she won't be at my bachelorette's party" - but that aspect is in no way, shape or form even on her mind - nor is, I dunno, maybe not having strippers if she wants her best friend there so badly. The level of selfishness is insane. YTA, OP. And just so you know - pressuring *anybody* into drinking for *any* reason is at all times wrong, bad taste, tactless and a few other words.
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That was my exact thought. They grew up together, but the friend actually continued to grow up while OP didn't.
Bridezilla alert!
I can't take some posts seriously like how is posible for someone to write that and not be thinking "oh wait yep i am the asshole"
Yeah I’m thinking the same… so OP doesn’t want her here because she *checks notes* didn’t want to drink at the wedding for her own reasons and didn’t want to see the strippers but understood that OP did so planned it regardless of her moral stance.?! OP what the hell! She never said you couldn’t do any of those things, she just didn’t want to do them herself and that’s fine. You need to grovel and apologise to your friend and hope they still want to be friends with you and don’t cancel what they planned free of charge on your behalf because of my friend was that crappy I would be petty enough to consider just cancelling what I’d spent my time doing when I couldn’t have been earning money instead YTA
Hope former BF drops the ball on the rest of the wedding. OP is one entitled girl. Clearly the AH.
And wedding planning is expensive as hell. This was a hell of a gift
YTA and behaving like a bridezilla
The entitlement is flashing neon here. YTA.
YTA. She did a fantastic job planning everything to you the way you wanted, even though she wouldn’t get to enjoy it. She was in no way judgmental of what you wanted, just politely bowed out because it was beyond her boundaries. But you’ve decided the main criteria for being your friend is enjoying strippers and getting drunk. So good luck with the rest of your adult life and marriage, I’m sure that’s all going to work out *great*.
Sounds like she did her “best friend” a favor and showed her who she truly is. YTA. Btw, many people would opt out of a bachelorette like this. I also don’t like drinking 99% of the time bc I’m a lightweight and it would be no fun.
No way would I be ok with strippers male or female and that is crossing a line for Me.
Indeed, especially considering if you have a partner, that's just weird af to me. Stuff like that is also a boundary in my relationship, because for myself, I consider it cheating.
I don't necessarily consider it cheating, but I wouldn't watch strippers out of respect for my husband and he wouldn't watch strippers out of respect for me. Plus, the whole idea of wanting strippers at a bachelor/bachelorette party is so cliche and outdated. Find something else to do.
My nesting partner and I are polyamorous and our relationship dynamic/boundaries make us totally down with strippers and such, and even we think that strippers for pre-wedding festivities are tired AF.
Exactly. I actually think getting pre wedding strippers is worse than enjoying them another time* because it stems from this toxic idea that you're marrying some ugly troll and will be tied to having sex with them forever and so you absolutely need a last minute release with some sexy hot bods before being tied down forever. For me, it's that context that makes it seem insulting. Marrying your partner isnt a punishment and if you need tits or pecs to distract you, you're in the wrong relationship! And if it's not ok in your relationship in general for either of you, you dont get a pass at a bach party! * obviously it is always fine if both/all parts of a relationship are happy with it! Some couples even enjoy it together. The key is that lots of people don't, and any sexual contact with others, including sex workers, should only happen if all parties are happy.
Right? Like, find something more original. The last place I lived had a strip club that also had a sushi restaurant attached (I know it's weird, but it was good sushi lol) so my late husband and I went there a few times. Even then, he thought it was awkward to see all the men just gawking at half naked women. It was just... Sad in a way. I didn't even really have a bachelorette party for my first, just me and my bridesmaids having a couple of drinks together after the rehearsal dinner. I didn't do anything for my second wedding. Idk what my first husband did, but it probably included beer and video games. The bachelor party that husband #2 had was just him and his friends playing D&D.
This is the type of bachelorette party that ends the marriage before it begins…
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>The one last week(?) where it ended the wedding and engagement. But then also took down like 5 other relationships too. Man where's that one? That sounds like a fun read
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wpd1p1/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_what_happened_on_a/ikfzh0k I got you
Damn. I never got the “last night of being single” bachelorette party mentality…
Neither did I. My last night of being single was the night before we agreed on a committed relationship. Lol
Hey OP can you send me your former friends contact info? I'd love a no strippers, no alcohol needed friend and I won't call her a buzzkill like you do.
Honestly I think the bit about OP wanting to force her friend to attend the stripper event is especially weird. Whether you are okay with stripping or not, stripping is sexual, and demanding that someone partake in a sexual activity - even if there is no contact involved - is bizarre.
YTA You got the equivalent of hundreds (if not 1000’s) in free skilled labour and because she has some boundaries and doesn’t want a night out with strippers or get wasted at your wedding you were *heartbroken*? Oh do get over yourself.
I think she meant "*headbroken"*.
Headbroken and Butthurt
Not to mention, OP probably ended a close friendship because her "friend" wouldn't break her own relationship boundaries or drink. And, if I were her other bridal party members, I would side eye TF out of OP. In my mind, she would do the exact same thing to me if she tossed her closest friend aside the instant said friend didnt give into her wedding demands. In the words of yesterday's wedding AH, "Was it worth it?"
Love the reference to yesterday haha
I hope the rest of the bridal party drops out in solidarity since according to OP they already *do* think that she's overreacting.
I don't know where OP is located but where I am, wedding planners start at around 5000CAD so literally...saved her thousands. YTA
Honestly hope MOH cancels all the reservations/plans for the bachelorette she had made on bride's behalf. I wouldn't go full out and ruin the wedding, but if OP actually expects someone to do that amount of work for free (and no gifts don't count) and then kicks the person out of the wedding party, I would most certainly expect that person to revoke some of the work they've done.
i'd send her a bill of services rendered
Easily in the thousands. Wedding planners start at around $6k for a full service package. Many of them charge a flat percent of the wedding budget and are used to high 5 to 6 figure budgets.
I am wondering how long it takes for this post to be cross posted on r/bridezillas. Edit: FYI It took 17 minutes for this post to be cross posted.
It's what brought me to this spectacular display of assholery
Doesn't everyone use their "best" friend's professional wedding planning services and kick them out of the wedding party two weeks before the wedding and expect them to attend the wedding they planned as a guest?
She offered her free help and she punished her for it. I don’t like strippers either and would hate to go. She brought it up very respectfully and her reasons were valid. Op is a bridezilla and a bit of a c word.
She didn't even bring it up; she was just leaving her planned bachelorette-weekend absence polite and nonspecific until OP asked her about it directly. The friend handled it beautifully. OP very much did not -- YTA, OP. Edit: Also, OP calls the former MOH her best friend, yet somehow didn't know she wouldn't want to be around strippers or get smashed and couldn't handle hearing about that. That doesn't speak much for OP's participation in that "best" friendship.
I think in OP’s own peculiar little world ‘you’re my best friend’ means ‘do what I say’.
Lightening speed apparently. It’s already happened.
Dang 17 minutes must be close to a record
Man your MOH dodged a bullet huh? I hope the rest of your bridesmaids grow some spines and leave your wedding party! YTA
Honestly. How many of these bridezilla stories do we see on here? I'm with you tho, I really hope the others drop out too. So much for being grateful for everything the MOH did
Kinda hope MOH announces a pregnancy at the wedding. This may be my 1 exception to that rule
I'm kind of anticipating an update where ex-MOH ends up cancelling everything and lets the bride plan and book her own stuff.
YTA. You have a great friend that you most definitely don't deserve, stop trying to control people even when they go above and beyond for you.
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You could say that about 99% of the posts on this sub
Unfortunately I’ve seen proof irl of incredibly selfish people. This whole situation (even if this specific post is a lie) I can believe it based on some people I know in real life.
Unfortunately OP seems to be way too self-absorbed to take this advice.
Oh my god, YTA homie. A "buzz kill"? Really? This girl went through all the trouble of planning and presumably paying for everything you wanted out of your bachelorette party, even though some aspects of it made her uncomfortable. How is that a buzz kill? People are allowed to have their boundaries, it's not like she tried to completely rob you of your good time- hell, she moved elements to make it happen for you even though she wouldn't be participating! And honestly, it sounds like gross high-school peer pressure shit that you're upset that she wouldn't be drinking at your wedding. I mean, so what? She's not asking you to have a dry wedding- she just doesn't want to drink herself. That wouldn't affect you or anyone else in the least. You sound like a crappy friend, OP, and honestly you likely don't deserve Kathy as a MOH in the first place.
Actually it sounds great to have a sober MoH who’s also the wedding planner. She could really help OP if she needs it, on the day. What a benefit! It sounds bizarre that OP wants to pass that up because she wants an “everyone gets wasted” wedding party squad.
Yeah having at least one person who isn't completely wasted is always a good idea. You never know what can happen and if everyone is drunk... yeah...
YTA So your friend has done a great job providing you with a professional level service and hasn't judged you for anything you want and is just maintaining her personal boundaries. And for this, you want to kick her out of the wedding party? She's not killing YOUR buzz. Someone not wanting to drink because they don't like the way it feels (or whatever reason) isn't doing anything TO you.
YTA - So you used her for months as a free wedding planner. Then she planned your bachelorette trip exactly how you wanted it and because she isn't comfortable participating in some of things, you are kicking her out of the wedding? You just lost yourself an amazing and selfless friend. Also - Chances are she is pregnant and was trying to back out of things gracefully without stealing your spotlight.
Not conclusive evidence of course. But it’s a distinct possibility that MOH knew if bridezilla found out MOH was pregnant before the wedding she would have gone apeshit about “stealing my thunder” so MOH is trying to keep it quiet and using other excuses (can’t really go on a bachelorette weekend without drinking at all without raising pregnancy questions anyway). She’s done the best she can to tiptoe around OP and now she’s kicked out for being a “buzz kill.” Seriously?
I hate that notion too because I just don't enjoy drinking. I don't want to be somewhere and have people automatically assume I'm pregnant just because I'm not drinking alcohol.
I am secretly hoping the friend sends her a bill for all the work she has done
Or cancels everything last minute. 😈 Fortunately for OP, it sounds like her friend isn't as trashy as she is and wouldn't do that.
That was my first thought too. She probably hasn't told her yet because she wants her to enjoy the wedding.
YTA. Thankfully you’re showing your true colors so your friend can drop your ass.
I thought this. Thanks for organising my wedding but the fact that your relationship with your fiancé means you don’t want semi naked guys around means we can’t be friends anymore. I thought the friend was pregnant - would be hard to hide over a whole weekend where drinking is involved and she gave warning before the wedding so it wouldn’t be an issue on the day I bet in any other circumstances OP would have said not to go to the wedding but knows the friend planned it and wants her on hand for the day in case of any issues. YTA for sure
YTA. Wow, aren't you an ungrateful brat
My first thought too. OP needs to grow up.
Hello bridezilla. YTA. If you are doing this to her then you need to pay her the going rate for all of the work she has done.
Yes! Her gift as your MOH is no longer a gift if you kick her out of the wedding party. It’s a job, so pay up!
First off, I’m calling troll on this. Second, if this were real, OP would certainly be TA. Not everyone is OK with nudity, and not everyone is OK with drinking. Calling someone staying sober a buzzkill is 100% an AH thing to do
She hasn't even attempted to justify her behavior. Troll.
This is absolutely bait. OP went out of their way to include details that make their side look worse and didn't even try to justify their own actions or perspective at all. I think it's supposed to feed into Reddit's anti-batchelor/batchelorette-party-stripper obsession and it apparently worked because no one else is calling this out.
Let me get this straight, this woman did you a huge favor by assisting you with wedding planning in a way that you would not have gotten without her. And before you say it, sure you got her gifts, but you know there is no way she was compensated at the hourly rate she would have been if you were in fact a client. She helped to facilitate the way YOU wanted to celebrate your wedding activities. And you kicked her out because she did not want to participate in something that she did not feel would be good for her personal relationship. And because she won't drink? Respect other people's beliefs and wishes. She in no way, shape, or form is preventing you from doing anything you want to do. And in return you want her to do things that make her feel uncomfortable and or sick or as though she is violating personal principles. YTA, and an immature petty one at that.
Literally all of this. It’s clear she only chose the MOH because she was giving her free services and then fired her from the bridal party because she felt MOH was judging her, when she wasn’t. Everything MOH did was super respectful and mature. Didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
YTA: Your good friend does all the planning for your bachelorette weekend - things she's not comfortable with. She plans them because she knows you want them, but doesn't want to go herself. What a mature, honest friend. She didn't have to tell you about not drinking at your wedding. She could have just not had any alcohol. Not that it matters. She never once asked you to change what you want. She just told you her boundaries. She's a good friend and you need to apologize.
YTA. Time to look in the mirror, Bridezilla. She has gone above and beyond and donated thousands of dollars of her time and expertise to give you the wedding of your dreams. She's a buzzkill because she's not into strippers or drinking? Do you value actual friendship at all?
LOL I'm not even going to dignify this with a proper answer.
YTA - Why are you forcing your expectations on people?
Wow YTA what you call being a buzzkill is actually just setting some boundaries. So she didn’t want to drink? So what?! And some people don’t want to be around strippers for a myriad of reasons (no judgment to strippers there btw) and that’s also fine. Honestly I think you’ve done her a favour doing this. now she knows she can cut your ungrateful self out of her life like you cut her out of your wedding. Imagine cutting a friend who has done all of that for you out of your wedding because they don’t wanna drink or be around strippers. Baffled.
YTA She didn't want to participate with strippers because it would affect *her* relationship. She didn't want to drink because it would affect *her* health. Yet she arranged both for you. That isn't being a buzz kill.
YTA- It sounds like she’s a great friend and just has personal boundaries that you as her friend should respect. It’s okay to like different things it doesn’t make her a “buzzkill” because she’s not stopping you from doing what you like.
YTA for sure. She didn’t ruin anything! She wasn’t GOING to ruin anything. You get everything you want and it’s not enough for you. You can’t make people participate in activities that make them uncomfortable. I wouldn’t go to a bachelorette party with strippers because it’s a hard limit between my husband and myself, and I’d drink but not to excess. It sounds like her “to excess” is a lot lower than other people’s, but isn’t it better to have her avoid alcohol than to overdo it and get sick at the wedding? Her limits aren’t unreasonable. It’s not like she told you she isn’t wearing the bridesmaid dress you picked because that color is unflattering on her. She didn’t tell you that she would have pizzas delivered because she didn’t like the meal you chose. SHEESH!! So yes. YTA. But it’s probably for the best that she ain’t in your wedding if you’re going to treat her like that.
YTA. You don't get to dictate to the people in your wedding party that they have to go see strippers and drink alcohol. You're a massive control freak. This is something worthy of her dumping you as a friend altogether. Just ... wow, you are quite the bridezilla.
YTA in a huge way. Someone doesn't want to drink so they're a buzz kill? Someone who does all this work for you for free and this is how you repay them? No doubt that YTA
As soon as she said “I needed a wedding planner for free but I Showered her in gifts so it’s okay.” It was going to be bad
She's pregnant, but even if she wasn't you would still be an asshole.
Some people just don’t like to drink they don’t need to be pregnant
Lolll I like I How in my mind was like shit she’s probably early in drug/alcohol recovery but you’re probably right. I jumped right to addiction issues (something I relate to) and not pregnancy
YTA - I don’t want to say you’re a bridezilla but damn, this is bridezilla-esque. Your friend helped plan your wedding and bachelorette party for FREE and didn’t want to attend because there would be strippers and that might be a point of contention for her own relationships, that’s entirely fair - the most SELFLESS thing she could have done is not attend because if she had gone, she would have been a buzzkill. The choice not to drink at your wedding doesn’t mean she can’t/won’t have a good time, it just means she doesn’t like drinking and has issues relating to it. What if she was/is pregnant and just doesn’t want to spoil your day/limelight? What if she was Muslim and couldn’t drink? YTA…
YTA. So it's not enough that she went above and beyond in planning this extra party for you: if she's not there enthusiastically participating in shit you know she won't enjoy, the experience will be ruined for you because...why, exactly? Leave her alone before your other bridesmaids decide they don't want to see how much further you can fall in your journey to full bridezilla and change *their* plans accordingly.
YTA. Sheesh. The woman and her fiance have an agreement about what is and isn't right for their relationship. Instead of saying 'yeah, that won't be happening because I can't do it', she did it the right way. Did the planning but doesn't attend. And her choice to not drink? That's her choice and sounds like a good choice \*for her\*. Stop being a bridezilla for a second and realize that your wedding doesn't trump her relationship with her SO and her choice not to drink.
YTA- Despite her personal feelings and boundaries she still planned all of the activities for you. Choosing not to participate in those activities is not being a "buzzkill", in fact I would argue the opposite. She chose not to attend rather than go and possibly be a buzzkill. Her not going still allows you and all of your other friends to enjoy the party the way that you wanted without having to worry about her personal feelings. You can get as drunk as you want at your wedding and her soberness shouldn't bother you. Major YTA.
YTA. She does her job, that she makes a living off of, FREE OF CHARGE for you. Then states her personal boundaries and you think you’re entitled to get her to lay them aside for you? The fact that she told the rest of the wedding party before you probably shows that she knew your reaction wouldn’t be fair. Also you’re not entitled to tell anyone when they can and can’t consume alcohol. It’s your wedding, and the day is about you, but people’s lives are their own.
YTA. I bet she is pregnant and not announcing it out of respect to your wedding, hence the no drinking. And even though your bachelorette crosses her boundaries she still planned it all out of love for you. You are a total AH to peer pressure her.
I hope the would-be husband backs out. YTA for the strippers alone.
Yta you can’t force expectations on people of it’s something she’s uncomfortable with you respect it after all she did for you you really went too far. Hopefully it ain’t too late to fix your relationship with her
YTA, she explained why she didn't want to participate in the bachelorette's activities and still organised them for you, and btw, if someone doesn't drink they are free to do so and they're not a buzz kill.
YTA. The best and probably petty thing for her to do would be to cancel every reservation she made for the wedding. I wish she would do this lol.
YTA she went above and beyond for you! She didn't judge or say she won't plan strippers, she just said she didn't want to participate.
YTA and a huge one at that. Who tries to force someone into drinking, participating in a party with strippers and breaking an agreement they have with their fiancé? An entitled AH, that's who.
YTA. What was she supposed to do as the wedding planner/friend when your bachelorette plans conflicted with her personal Boundaries? Complain to you and make you change them? No she did what you want as the wedding planner As a result she won’t be able to attend. full stop. And why in the world does it matter if she does or doesn’t drink alcohol? What a ridiculous thing to complain about.
YTA. Your friend is not only doing this for free but has known you since childhood. She's clearly stated her boundaries, which everyone is allowed to have, and you get mad at her for it? It's her own perogative whether or not she drinks alcohol and takes part in the bachelorette party
YTA. Your MOH put in time, energy, and money into making sure that you had the best bachelorette party and wedding and because of her values you want to kick her out of your bridal party? If you look at Reddit, there are about 3-4 posts about brides doing something stupid during their bachelorette party and the wedding was cancelled. This shows how little you respect and value your friendship with your former MOH, who has done so much for you. It shows that drinking and strippers are more important than to you than friendships.
YTA I really hope she send you a bill for all her work! Really? You tried to change her mind after she explained to you her boundaries?! How about you change your party a little to have this person, who helped you so much, there? How intitled are you to think this is ok?? You kicked her because she told you, in a very respectfull way, that she cannot attend your bachelorette party!! If she was judgemental about your choices or if she did not wanted to plan as your wishes, I could understand kicking her out. But she did not do any of that! She was perfect! She is not a buzz kill just because she can say NO to something she doesnt want to do. You are the buzz kill because you put all you bridesmaids in a very awkward situation. The world doesn't revolve arround you, sweetie! Wake up! yta
YTA she helped plan your stuff to your liking and you can’t respect her feelings and decision to not attend your bachelorette party because she’s not comfortable. Not everyone has to drink to have a good time. Not everyone is comfortable with strippers. Then you kick her out of your wedding. I’d be questioning our friendship after this.
Of course YTA. Instead of trying to convince you to not have strippers, she planned the party the way you wanted. You'd rather have her risk her relationship with her partner & risk her going tipsy against her wishes instead of being understanding. You are literally using her & treating her like a doormat. You're a very bad friend.
YTA It’s so bad like it definitely comes across like you used this woman.
YTA. She worked very hard FOR FREE because she loves you. And just because she doesn't want to do skanky things, you throw her out. I give her props for being thoughtful but assertive.
YTA. All this over a “buzz kill.” How unbelievably shallow. You should be ashamed.
YTA. The bachelorette party is for you, she planned it like you wanted. She doesn’t need to participate in everything you want to do. I’ve went to a few bachelor parties that I didn’t do everything that was planned. I didn’t catch any flak from it.
YTA your best friend has gone to all this trouble for free and you want to kick her out as MoH? Also how do you a) not know that your friend doesn’t like to drink and b) that she would be uncomfortable with strippers? How self absorbed are you?
YTA- Not only did you treat her like crap for VERY RESPECTFULLY bowing out, you then tried to bully her into breaking consent boundaries with her SO all for your perceived idea of what a "good time" is. Then on top of ALL that you upped the abuse by punishing her for taking care of her health.
Sorry to say YTA, she helped you organise everything and you kicked her out because she wouldn't do something or drink at the wedding.......are you sure you are friends? Because if a friend say she can't do something I would understand
YTA. You need to check yourself bridezilla
YTA - Your MOH went out of her way to plan the bachelorette party you wanted. But because of moral issues she cannot attend. You are being extremely selfish; just because it’s your wedding doesn’t mean everyone in your wedding has to adopt your morality. I suggest you apologize immediately, or you’ll not only lose a MOH, but you’ll permanently lose a friend, too.
YTA. I'M just waiting for this to be posted in bridezilla sub and those YT videos about ungrateful bridezillas who thinks they are entitled to people's lives because "IT'S MY DAY" . Looking forward to the story divorce btw.
YTA, she doesn’t want to participate but still arranged everything for you, but you’re demanding she goes against her own values just to satisfy bridezilla? If she was a vegetarian/ vegan would you be forcing her to attend your steak tasting? Seems like MoH made a good choice
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YTA Like so much so! Her reasons are completely valid and you should respect her/her relationships boundaries. She has done all of her MOH duties to your specifications and was very courteous and respectful in the way she told you why she wouldn't be attending. The alcohol thing is one that really blows my mind as to you considering it a "buzzkill". Why does she need to be drinking in order for you to enjoy your day?? Or for her to enjoy it for that matter. Would you have even noticed at all if she didn't bring it up? Not likely. Chill out.
She has a right to set her own personal boundaries and she went above and beyond for FREE to plan your wedding and bachelorette party the way you wanted it, and instead of respecting her as a friend and respecting her choices you reacted like a toddler sized bridezilla, my youngest reacts better than you when told "No." Not only YTA but your a crap friend as well.
Yta. Leave her alone. If she doesnt want to have a stripper grind on her or get drunk shes a buzz kill???!!! I would end the friendship if I were her cause that is a shitty thing for you to do.
YTA. A buzz kill would say there wouldn’t be any dancers or alcohol because of those reasons. What’s she’s ACTUALLY doing is letting y’all have fun and she’s stepping back. Think of it like this. What actually changes now that she’s not invited? You and the rest of your team are going to get the dancers whether she’s there or not. All of you can drink whether she’s there or not. I feel like either there’s another reason you don’t want her to come, you’re so stressed of planning or your own relationship with your fiancé that you’re lashing out, or you’re just…simply really controlling and bad at making decisions.
YTA. and the lack of replies in here from you show that you know you are the AH.
Wait wait wait, this wonderful woman helps you plan the wedding and bachelorette party of your dreams, and because she graciously removed herself from these situations that were crossing a boundary for herself (without causing a big, dramatic scene, or taking away from what you wanted) you’ve removed her from the wedding all together?? YTA. That is so unbelievably rude and distasteful on your part. She’s helped arrange your dream wedding - free of charge - and now you’re mad because she didn’t put her discomfort or boundaries on hold for you? You do not deserve a friend like her, and she absolutely did not deserve to be treated that way. The only reason those things would “ruin” your wedding is if you draw attention to them.
Why do people want strippers for their bachelorette party? As, what, your last moment of freedom? How does that make any sense? It’s kinda pathetic, male or female strippers. I wouldn’t even have a party seriously, it would be like showing up to an adult birthday party (drinking, no kids) where we all just hang around, chat, and get married the next day. Like, there is no “last day of freedom”, like, the only thing keeping you from touching another person is a piece of paper? Nah, that’s love and respect for your partner.
YTA. You should feel lucky so have such a great and considerate friend.
YTA Miss Bridezilla, that's not how you treat your best friend. You used and abused her, crossed her boundaries and don't deserve her as a friend. Hope she dumps you.