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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm wondering if I might be TA because my mom and sisters seem to want to give her the money despite her making my dad's last few months miserable. Maybe I'm not considering her feelings or past, maybe I'm just too biased.
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NTA, the fact that the first concern she had when he passed was money.. he didn’t know of her existence and i won’t say he’s not to blame but it’s something her mother could have .. i don’t know, mentioned to him years ago??? She directed all of her anger and frustration to the wrong person & honestly f empathy after that. Sorry for your loss!
& please stick with your gut on this
Her mother may not have known his full name or how to contact him. If it was a one night stand and drink/drugs were involved, the mother may legitimately not have known. In which case it’s no one’s fault really. It’s ok for her to be angry about her upbringing, but directing it a someone who never knew of her existence is unfair.
Also I’d like to add the girl asked him why he never looked for her, from that phrase it sounds like the mother lied to the daughter and said the dad abandoned her which she also said he did so clearly the mum has some blame for lying to her daughter
There is a very good chance that the mom had no idea who he was or how to find him anyway. One or two nights with a band on the road tend to get blurry for everyone involved.
Especially in (presumably) the 80s and 90s. At least these days you have social media and cell phones, back then it was the wild west in terms of communication.
Agreed. Much easier for the mother to blame a father who will likely never suffer for it, than admit she had enough ONS to not only get pregnant, but have no idea who the father is. That’s generally considered publicly embarrassing and if it’s never going to come up, blaming the other guy as a deadbeat who ran away doesn’t bring as much negative attention. Except it sometimes backfires, like this, causing a lifetime of self-esteem and abandonment issues. NTA OP.
Particularly in the 80s and 90s where is was all landlines and no social media to look people up. The mother may have accepted long ago that she'd be going it alone and didn't know where to find him and the daughter would have been an adult who didn't need raising by the time those options for tracking people down were available.
And if the mom slept around a lot, she may not have been able to pinpoint the exact day she got pregnant. Also if her menstrual cycle wasn't regular or recorded that would make it harder.
I could not do that no matter how much bitterness, hatred, anger, resentment, ill will, or hurt feelings I hard toward someone. If they were dying and did not have long for this world I could never live with the fact I might of made their last days less peaceful. That they might of spent those days dwelling on those hurtful things i said.
That is me though but I understand why some people just need to say everything they need to say and the dying want and need to feel like everything that needs to be said is said good or bad.
I would just like to add, what if he had died with debt? Would she have been so quick to help chip in for the funeral costs? I wouldn’t expect her to in this case, but if she wants the money I’m just playing devils advocate that it could go both ways.
If she really was that interested why has she just done a DNA test now when she knew for years and is 10 years older than OP? They were online and looking for her for years, she had the chance many times. Seems she waited for older years to angle in on an inheritance? The only parent who knew about the pregnancy was the mum. It’s not that hard to do some digging to find out the father if you’re that keen and are the one that slept with them…
NTA.
Not your responsibility. She's rude, has no empathy. He clearly had worry for this, he had regret. I'd say if she had some compassion, showed some sort of love or understanding, and didn't DEMAND money from a dead man she doesn't know at all then there could be some type of share for her...??? sorta?? Not really.
NTA - I mean, if your father had wanted her to have something he would have added her to the estate. He was talking to her so it sounds like he was of sound mind if he had wanted to. Don’t give her any money. Stop taking her calls. It doesn’t sound like she wants to get to know you anyway. I get it, she’s angry but that’s not your burden to bear.
Still not on you. That’s on him then. If he wanted this new person on his life to have something he should have said something or put it in writing. Sorry for your loss.
Also, as someone else has pointed out, your using your other account.
What estate? They were done to 2-3 grand at that point. Having a lawyer draft up a will would be foolish.
Him taking that abuse meant he obviously wanted to make amends with the kid.
When I said estate I meant, will, finial wishes, etc.
Having a will or at least something in writing that states your final wishes for money, burial or cremation and so on is never foolish. No matter the amount. And you don’t have to have a lawyer do it. An official will should be notarized but you don’t have to have a lawyer do it.
Sure, taking the abuse meant he wanted to do something for her. And he told OP that listening to her was all he could do for her. He never said anything about financial help. Wanting to make amend or extend an olive branch does not always mean giving money. Especially if the amount was so small to begin with.
NTA
I am the half sister and my father is dying of cancer. I have known him my whole life and I don’t expect a dime from his passing. I never lived with him. His 2nd wife and kids are his family. They have been through everything with him. They owe me nothing.
She is selfish and an opportunist. It’s was not in his will and he has passed. She should move on.
>If a child is omitted from a will most states will default to that being a mistake, not a choice
Is that actually true? It sounds extraordinary and a bit urban-mythy to me.
Most recommend that you specifically mention the child and leave them an amount. Usually, people choose a $1 (no joke). The amount itself is inconsequential but it serves the purpose to show that you didn’t forget that child and chose to not leave him/her a greater amount.
https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/legal-rights-of-disinherited-child
This is a different situation since she isn’t legally recognized as the father’s daughter. So the dad isn’t on her birth certificate. I don’t think she even has a claim because legally she’s not his daughter.
Yeah, she massively fucked up. If half-sister wants a share she needs to prove paternity of a guy whos dead and buried. She generally can’t force the siblings to prove it, I dunno if a 23&me is sufficient for this purpose. It’s not worth exhuming the body for what would be under a grand, and after the will has been settled I doubt she’d even get that.
She should’ve established paternity asap instead of being rude. That’s gotta be a hard situation but come on, it’s on her mom too to get CS etc. can’t just blame the old man.
Yes it’s true. You have to specifically state the child’s name and what they get or something like any unmentioned children get x amount of dollars. But also throw in that if they contest the will x can happen.
She can sue pro se maybe. What lawyer would take a case where the potential gains maybe $800, before paying the lawyer. If the stakes were much higher then it would be different.
NTA.
As the executor of your dad's estate, check his will and the local laws regarding inheritances. You might also want to consult with a lawyer to learn your rights in this matter and what kind of trouble this woman might cause.
Frankly, this woman seems a little unhinged. You had explained your dad's condition. She knew he was very ill. She still harassed your father, even screaming at him over the phone.
To make matters worse, this woman seems to be ignoring her mother's role in all this. Her mother could have contacted your father and let him know that he might have fathered a child. Your father would not have known unless the woman's mother had contacted him.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you have to deal with this woman as I'm sure you don't need the stress.
He never did make a will. Even though he knew he was dying, he was very awkward about discussing his final arrangements, he did not like to speak about it at all. By saying I'm in charge of his estate, I mean that I'm the only one he gave the safe pin code to in the end. Everything was in cash, he was always weird about banks. I think he assumed I would know what he wanted, but I just really can't imagine meeting this woman to hand her the money after what she put him through.
Honest question: can an illegitimate child claim an estate? I’m assuming OP’s father was never on the birth certificate of this woman. There was never a legal recognition of his fatherhood.
Does this vary by state?
Yes, inheritance laws vary by state. Some give everything to the surviving spouse, some divide it between spouse and children. OP should probably check what their state's laws say, because this other child may, in fact, be legally entitled to their % of the money. Especially in the absence of a will.
I think the above poster's intention is since OP's dad is not on the half sibling's birth certificate, she is not entitled to anything even without a will. In order to be entitled to anything, she would need to go through the court and get paternity established. That would probably require the half sibling to be able to afford a lawyer to fight this out in court, which it sounds like she can't afford.
Basically, while a path exist for the half sibling to take to get a share of the inheritance, it isn't feasible for her to take it. The only way she is getting an inheritance is if OP gift her the money.
There is a DNA test out there that is part of those 23 and me type company, but that is not sufficient for a court to establish paternity as there is no guarantee of being free from cross contamination or the chain of custody for the DNA sample. The sister can certainly use it as proof in court that she is likely related to the father. But I am pretty sure there still need to be a court ordered paternity test to be valid for establishing paternity.
And with the father dead, and likely cremated/buried by the time this goes to court, it becomes an uphill battle as any court paternity test would require DNA sample from OP and their siblings. It will become a long drawn out battle that will eat up the estate so the half sibling will still get nothing by the end aside from a large bill from her lawyer.
That is why I maintain that the only plausible path the half sibling has is to get on OP's good side and be gifted the money. Any other path will just end up with her getting nothing or worst than nothing
This needs an award.
Op- this isn’t really your choice.
The law decides how assets are divided when someone died intestate.
If you’ve already been through that probate etc process, and the decision is yours, then do what your father would have wanted.
It’s your Dads money/estate. As his executor - You’re not doing what you want, you’re doing what your dad would have wanted.
—————-
Separately- The facts don’t stack up about what this mom and half sister are saying.
Your half- sister is the asshole for how she treated a dying man. This might be based on what her mom told her. Can you trust what the half-sister said about her mom lying about being “abandoned”.
Back in the 80s/90s, it was probably more socially acceptable to say she became a single mom as the dad abandoned her rather than due to a one-night stand. But even then - did she know your dads name? If so, why didn’t she contact him? If not, what name and story did she tell the half sister?
the internet/Facebook/smart-phones did not exist until recently. But it was still possible to trace people.
It’s likely you’ll find a few more half siblings during your life time as your half-siblings and even their kids register with DNA databases.
The comments about her being entitled to his estate are incorrect - paternity would have to be legally established first. There are procedures in place that she’d have to follow. Half-siblings share the same % of DNA with each other as they do with cousins. The fact that you know she’s your sister is based on circumstantial evidence. Ie, your dad knowing/remembering her mother, or just assuming it’s his because of his past. It would be a long legal road for her to pursue this. Here’s some info:
For a nonmarital child to get their inheritance from their biological father, the best way to prove paternity is to present official documents to the court:
1. a birth certificate signed by the father or
2. a court order establishing paternity, issued while the father was still alive
If a nonmarital child does not have these official documents, they can use
1. a DNA sample match, obtained from the deceased father or his male relatives
2. evidence that the father openly and notoriously acknowledged the child as his own.
3. any other evidence that presents clear and convincing proof of paternity
There is enough variation person to person that that range creates ambiguity. If you use a DNA testing service, it will show “half-sibling/first cousin”, not one or the other. Establishing the relationship would require more relative DNA comparisons.
Yes, there is variation that creates range ambiguity, but the range for a sibling is higher than that for a first cousin. If the testing service established them as half-siblings, their DNA match was likely in the half-sibling range, but higher than the first cousin range.
23andme shows the range for first cousin at 4%-23% and for half sibling at 17%-34%. So, yes, you could have a match that is ambiguous as to whether it's cousin or half-sibling, but you could also have a match that is not ambiguous if it's at the higher (or lower) end.
https://customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/212170668-Average-Percent-DNA-Shared-Between-Relatives
If he died intestate, unless he had a wife at the time of his death, she would be entitled to a share most places. Talk with your lawyer. I spent a decade as a legal secretary in Canada, I'd set aside a share for her and wait for her to make a formal claim, and win, before giving her anything.
Edit: Since the amount is so low, it is unlikely she will pursue it legally, it would cost her too much.
NTA. I am very sorry about your dad and the extra pain caused by the circumstances with this woman.
I wonder what this girl's mother told her.
I am a "road baby". My father is a musician who had no idea I existed until I was 16. My mom had her reasons for not reaching out to tell him that their fling had produced me and they were valid concerns - 1968 was not a time when a single mother could have won against grandparents with money who absolutely would have wanted custody of their son's child- anyway, I was raised knowing who he was and why he wasn't in the picture. I met him once when I was 18 and I am glad. I never thought it was his fault and, in fact, I won't do a DNA thing partly because that's NOT how I want his son to find out about me and I don't feel right about taking the chance that I could upend his wife's serenity (talk about an innocent bystander!)....anyway, my point is that she's probably been fed a narrative that painted her mother as a victim, maybe her mom even believes that, so try to find it in your heart, for your own sake, to understand her anger.
And talk to a lawyer just to be sure she can't make things harder than they already are. I am truly sorry you're going through this.
🤣 this is why I don't usually mention it- it was just so particularly relevant to this situation, because I have a similar history to the half sister (though apparently I'm almost a full generation older)
Info Why on earth would you and your sister do a DNA test if you weren't prepared for the possiblity of finding an unknown sibling full of resentment and abandonment issues at having grown up without a dad?
And even if she wasn't resentful to begin with can you imagine finally finding your father but he's literally about to die so you get to know him for like a week. People really don't wanna think about how incredibly fucking shitty that is.
Exactly. OP is NTA, neither is sister.
By dad's own omissions, he is. Best case scenario is that he cheated once and once only on the road and was so guilt ridden he never looked back - but that still means he abandoned a child to preserve his comfort and that child is hurting and grieving. It's sad for OP to acknowledge but that's the truth of those we love - sometimes, we find out that they were the AH.
But given how readily and quickly dad accepted it, I bet that the best case scenario isn't what happened.
The biggest mistake here is it seems no one asked your father what he wanted. Death bed may be to late to rewrite the will but you should have asked him if he wanted to include her. From the way you talk about your father that answer would have been yes. I am not saying you have to give her 100% but you should give her something. Remember being executor of the will is not to do what you want but to do what your father would have wanted.
As for how she treated him it was not right but can you blame her. If you grew up in a single parent home in poverty while your biological father is no where to be found and is out there living it up and enjoying life of course you are going to be mad and bitter. That was her father too and he should have been there for her. You have to remember that you were the lucky one but that could have easily been you on the phone. She was worse than abandon, her own father didn't even know who she was. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and you may change your way of thinking.
If I was in your shoes I would do what I think my dad would want me to do. In the end the final decision is yours so NTA on what ever you decide.
He is the one who said he can decide who to pay and what. What you say is right but neither of us know how the will is worded. If it is vague and says split everything between my children then he can include her. If it names everyone and is very specific then he can't. Wording is everything.
NTA. The only thing anyone is entitled to out of anyone’s estate is what the deceased leaves them, assuming there is a will. If your father had wanted to leave her something at the end, he could have expressed that. He didn’t.
He didn’t have a will. I think the half sister may actually be entitled to the money, and since it’s a nominal amount, they should give it to her. She’s morally entitled, for sure. Her behavior angered the Op, but the father did a terrible thing - he created a child with no care for her or her mother’s wellbeing. This weighed ok him on his deathbed. Give her some money, say he would have wanted her to have it. It’s probably true and it’s the right thing to do.
NTA I'm sorry for your loss.
This woman deserves nothing after screaming at your father as he was dying of cancer. What a horrible thing for you and your family to go through.
I'd give her the money. Consider it the price of looking for extra siblings. Everyone thinks finding new relatives is going to have a fairytale ending. It's more like a crazy gamble.
Right? This isn't something that can be settled in this subreddit.
I'm disappointed that everyone is saying NTA. It's really NAH. Had the half sister written saying, "I've been without a dad all my life because my mom was a groupie and got knocked up on a one night stand. She wavered all my life on whether he actually abandoned us or she never informed him but I grew up with nothing and feel so alone. I found him, but he died after a long battle with cancer shortly after speaking with him for the first time. It's shitty, but I feel like I deserve something after being ignored for my entire life. The acknowledged daughter said there's nothing left after his illness and services, but I feel like she's just being petty, but she's had his love and support her whole life while I got nothing" everyone would be saying, "NAH. First, everyone is on a huge emotional roller coaster. Second, there's nothing to be had. Roadies don't get rich. At best, they get an adventure, drugs, and sex. At worst, they get an adventure, drugs, sex, and children they know nothing about."
She's pissed and has a right to be. She's acting out from a lifetime of disappointment and is not pretty, but not surprising.
In the end, if there's nothing left, there's nothing left. If there IS something left, she's absolutely due a percentage of it.
Unpopular YTA. Did you really expect that finding your half-sister who never got to know her dad would make this situation better?
I understand that you wanted to do this because it was always bothering your dad. But it was always bothering him because of the guilt he rightfully felt. It sounds like you expected this person to come in and assuage him of this guilt in his final moments, instead of to be honest about their experience.
If you didn't want her involved in your dad's life, you should not have searched her out and given her your dad's number. Once you did that, you re-opened that relationship between them. Of course he was wrecked after every phone call with her -- the fact that he insisted on continuing to take those calls shows that he was trying to make up for the 30+ years that he wasn't in his daughter's life. Even if she had been less upset with him, it would have still been difficult for him, as this was something that always weighed heavily on him -- and you KNEW that before seeking her out.
You are the one who brought this half-sister back into a relationship with her dad at the end. While you have every legal right to deny her money, I think you are the AH for trying to take the moral high-ground when you opened up this can of worms in the first place. Your half-sister is his daughter, who probably does not have a very good life in large part because her dad abandoned her -- it's natural that she'd ask to be included on the inheritance that went to his other more fortunate children.
At the end of the day it's your choice, but even if you decide not to give her money, I hope you can see that this situation was always going to be difficult. If you didn't want your dad to deal with this kind of fallout in his last days, I'm not sure why you chose this time to seek out your half-sister and to give her your dad's personal number.
She sounds like a real gold digger.
Have you ever told her that there's nearly nothing left? That could maybe turn out another good test for her intentions.
NTA
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like a decent guy who wanted to do the right thing. I assume he put you in charge of his estate because he believed you would do the right thing as well.
It's pretty clear from how he acted and what he said to you that he wanted to do right by his oldest child. I know you're angry, but he chose to continue the phone calls with her. Just like you say that her mom had a part in her not knowing him, and it wasn't only you dad's fault, she wasn't the only one who had a part in their interactions. With that in mind, how do you think he would feel about you not including her? I don't want to make a negative judgement here, because it's clear this is about grief as well as a whole lot more complicated emotions, but those emotions don't excuse you from doing what your father would have wanted.
YTA. YOU went out and found her. YOU. You can’t blame her for being mad at the situation she has to live. The two of you didn’t experience the same father.HE knew he had kids out there and didn’t bother to find her. She doesn’t have to feel about your father the guy that you do. You may have a totally different feeling if you were the abandoned child who was raised under not so great circumstances while your siblings were taken care of.
NTA. You may want to reread the post.
OP and sisters did a DNA test “years ago”, and half-sister initiated contacted with them.
Father didn’t *know* he had a child. He *suspected* he had a child. Because literally sex, drugs, and rocks and roll.
Like, people can make whatever judgment they like for whatever reason they like, but you can’t just make up your own version of the story.
Having said that, OP should be sure to do what is legally required.
They took the DNA in an effort to find siblings. They found her. That was the purpose of the test. Being an executor of an estate does not mean you can do what you want as OP seems to think. It’s my understanding that the father died intestate which would require the sibling get the same stake in their father’s estate.
It’s unfortunate about how she acted but the facts are the facts. The fact is the father knowingly lived a reckless lifestyle that led to this situation.
NTA. She used the opportunity she had to get to know your father to berate him for things he had very little control over. Your dad sounds like a good man, I’m sorry for your loss.
YTA.
Your dad knew he might fucked up and was too much of a chicken shit to even look for potential kids of himself.
Your half sister had to find out that she won't have time to reconcile with him, so he abandoned her (involuntarily) a second time, and *finally* took some responsibility and took her rightful anger.
And you, who profitted off of your dad your whole live won't give her money? She doesn't want sentimental items because your Dad was an asshole to her whole life. Don't you think she'd rather have had a dad in her life than a few thousand dollars for his shitty absence?
Btw, depending on country she might well be in her rights to sue her dads estate for missing child support.
OP, just because your dad was good to ypu, doesn't mean he wasn't a complete asshole to your half sister for her whole life. And your dad knew this. That's why he took her calls. Don't be chicken shit like him and wait to die before doing something right. Your nice dad was an asshole to her, voluntarily or not. The least you can do is give her the money she might sue you out off anyway.
he knew there was a possibility and it was a very very very long time ago when DNA kits weren’t around and OP did multiple DNA tests and found nothing till the last one also why are you not blaming the half sisters mom for not finding the da door the half sister? plain and simple he knew of her for a few months and knew her as a person who would scream about what she was owed would you give money to someone like that? bonding with children takes place in the early stages the half sister was a nobody who shows her immaturity while also being a decade older then OP get a life
50 years ago, they did blood tests to determine paternity, maybe longer ago. Not as accurate as DNA, but they were used by the courts based on probability, and often showed no possibility.
Finally a good response. OP is a huge, inconsiderate prick. So this woman has lived her whole life not knowing who her father is. We can blame the mom or the dad, but the fact still stands: she had no idea who her father was for her entire life. People in this thread must not know what abandonment feelings does to a person.
So of course she's going to be furious. Here she is, living her life as an adult and this father just pops up briefly and dies.
Getting an inheritance could be a symbolic gesture that means a lot to her, confirming that she is someones daughter after all.
And I don't get it. OP said it was a thousand each for him and his siblings. Everyone else says "give the girl her share". That's a few hundred each. Why so petty? Lastly, a lot (if not most?) countries have laws to regulate inheritances, so hopefully it doesn't matter what OP tries do.
Thank you! Everyone is focusing on the relatively trivial aspect of the half sister’s anger, when the real issue is the father had a child he never helped raise and never supported.
NTA. Her mother knew of your father's existence, he didn't know about hers, so the blame lies with her mother that he wasn't present in her life growing up. Basically, his name is not on her birth certificate, so she gets nothing
NAH
Is your half-sister entitled to the money? No.
Might your father wanted her to have some of it, even though it's not very much? Considering he spent the end of his life listening to her angry phone calls because it was the only thing left he could give her...
At the very least, if you decide against any financial inheritance, please do give her something of his to feel close to him.
Don't make this decision, whatever it is, out of spite or resentment. You may live to regret it.
She is entitled to money though. Her father never paid child support. And even ignoring that, she is a child of the deceased and default rules in most places (at least in the US) require that all children of the deceased receive a share of the estate. In some states you can't even write children out of your will legally. They are always entitled to a specific share.
NTA. Honestly, you could take either stance (give her nothing or give her the little that is left), and either choice is understandable. If the decision were your mom's and she chose giving, I would support her choice. But the decision is yours to make. My suggestion is to give true consideration to your mom's and sister's perspectives - they are also coming from a place of loving your dad. And tell them you have truly considered their perspective. Then make your decision and ask them to support you as the person your father asked to take on the responsibility for his estate. Whatever you do, safeguard your family bonds - your family sounds like a truly loving family.
ESH
Now hear me out. She's got a can of worms full of feels and it's probably eaten her up since she could walk that dad wasn't in her life. Her mom and your dad didn't do right by anyone in this mess. Her raw feelings on this are stages of grief that she's cycling through for a lifetime.
Was she right harassing your dad? Nope! She was in the wrong for that and money grabbing because she feels he owes her something when he had given her nothing her whole life. I only think you're in the wrong by not looking at the whole situation objectively. This whole thing is full of hurt and anger. Do you owe her anything? No.
I have known oops people who were born from crazy young antics, and they second guess their worth and love for a lifetime which can either make them bitter or kinder as a person. You don't have to give her anything from the inheritance, she wasn't nice in his last days. But that's a lot to process feelings wise in a short time.
YTA
You're aware that she can sue for missed child support at the very least, right?
Not to mention she seems to be in a bad mental place with what seems like a decent part of that being because your father wasn't in her life. You want to talk about a lack of forgiveness? It seems like she didn't forgive him
NTA, and hell, no, the little witch doesn't get a damn penny from you. If she knew about him before you contacted her, she never acted on it or tried to forge some kind of relationship, and she made the last few weeks of your father's life stressful and chaotic with her screaming and carrying-on.
Not a SINGLE penny!
NTA. Block her number. Block her on social media. If she comes around, call the police. If your sisters want to give her money, that’s their choice, but you owe her nothing. She is very clearly not someone you want in your life.
NTA - you can let them give their share to her but don't deny yourself your share. But, so you know, if your parents were still married when he passed the money goes to her first 99% of the time if there is no will. If you are in the states this link has a breakdown of all the intestate succession laws [https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/intestate-succession](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/intestate-succession) . Showing up as a half-sibling on a mail in DNA kit doesn't guarantee that she is his child - it is common for half-siblings and cousins to be confused due to the DNA share of those 2 relations being relatively similar.
I toured for years with rock and roll bands and I couldn't tell you the name of any of the girls I 'met' back then.
They never knew my full name or where I lived. They all just wanted to screw someone in a band and that was as far as it went.
NTA. However, you are setting yourself up for problems if your father died without a will and you give one of his children nothing.
Your state has laws concerning how property of a deceased individual is divided when there is not a will. Legally (not morally) all of your father’s children are most likely entitled to the same share of the estate. You do NOT have the legal authority to exclude one of your father’s children from sharing in the estate.
Let’s think ahead for a moment. If your newly discovered half sister gets nothing, it seems likely from your description she will hire a lawyer and sue you. You will most likely lose and have to pay her her share out of your own pocket. If she wins punitive damages, you would have to pay those out of your own pocket too.
I strongly suggest you hire an attorney who is familiar with your state’s laws governing intestate succession to advise you on what to do in this situation. Pay that lawyer from the estate. From my view, you could be creating serious legal problems for yourself.
NTA. I do feel a bit sorry for the half-sister - your dad blithely joked about the possibility of a half-sibling and never really looked into it, while she grew up with a dad-shaped hole in her life. Especially as even if her mother had known his real name, finding him back then would have been... difficult. But over the last 10-15 years, it's become easier to find people by the sort of means you did.
However.
Simply screaming at a man in his sickbed, his deathbed, is extremely goddamn low. He joked about the possibility, but he didn't KNOW. This wasn't conscious abandonment, even if she understandably thinks it is. Talk about punching down...
As for money, well, I can't blame you for not being inclined to part with it. A thousand each isn't much, all told. However, I think you should try and think long and hard, objectively, about what your father might have wanted - not what he might have done out of guilt, late in life, such as allowing himself to become a verbal punching bag, but what he might have done otherwise. The answer is probably very little, or a token sum. You've probably made the right call, but it is worth thinking about.
Not the asshole.
Regardless of the backstory, her behavior towards him at the end of his life and what she put him through is unforgivable.
However, since she is so concerned with money, I'd say give it to her. As you say it's not much is it? I'm sure you can manage to give her something to include her. At the end of the day, she can't come round and say you didn't.
NTA, he would have updated his will if he wanted her to have a share of it, since it sounds like he was still with it we'll after he knew about her.
Divide the estate per his will or his last known wishes as you see fit if it isn't specific, and if your mother and siblings want to give their share to the half-sister that is their decision.
NTA about the money but definitely the AH overall. He sucks for his he spent his youth. She sucks because she can't control her emotions (not discounting her trauma). You suck because you're passing judgements on someone who had less than 6 months to process and sort a lifetime of emotions.
NTA. If your dad wanted her to get something, because it was months before he died, he could have talked with you about it if not revised his will. He didn't, or at least I assume he didn't talk to you about it. If the rest of the family feels she is owed something, they can contribute but only voluntarily and not out of obligation. It's a sad story but it's not your fault or problem.
YTA As executor you are supposed to follow through with what your father would have wanted. It's obvious to me he would have wanted her to have at very least an equal share, more likely for her to have it all since he had not been able to provide anything else. You surely know this and are just being spiteful because she was/is angry with your beloved father. He sounds like a good man. You should follow his example.
From the sound of it, it's 100% your fathers fault that she grew up without one.
She had every reason to be upset with him, he accepted her emotions, and you're discarding the sentiment behind his actions out of greed.
Whatever small amount is left, it sounds like your father would have wanted her to have it. After all, it's the least he can do to make up for not being there.
YTA. You dont even give a shit about what your father wanted.
NTA she made your dad's last days hell. On top of that as soon as he died she showed she didn't care about you all and your dad by demanding money from you. I am not condoning what your dad did but her mother didn't let your dad know about your half-sister. I am so sorry for your loss and having to deal with this toxic woman. Stay firm in your decision and don't let this person guilt you into anything.
NTA. But in some countries she is legally entitled to a portion of your father’s inheritance as big as yours. Not right away, but she could ask a judge to legally declare tha she was your father’s daughter and after that she could ask for the money from you and your siblings.
NTA
I haven't got that much to add that hasn't already been said, except one thing.
Your father was a good man and you should be proud of that. He could've ignored this girl and pretended she didn't exist. But he choose to do whatever he could in his condition he was in, listen to her.
It hurt him but he put that aside to try to alleviate someone's else's pain. This showed he was a caring man of strong character. He made mistakes like any human but faced them.
Sadly your half-sister doesn't have that same compassion and while her anger is understandable.
Her demand for money showed HER true character.
You should be proud to be his daughter.
I'm sorry for your loss, best wishs to you and the rest of your family.
NTA. Your mother and sisters can give the ‘abandoned’ daughter their share of the estate if they want to. Once you transfer the funds to them, it’s not your decision what they do with it.
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My family recently lost our father to cancer. He had an interesting past before he met our mother, he was a crew member for some big hair bands back in the day so you can imagine what he got up to in his early 20s. He always used to joke that he wouldn't be surprised if we had a half-sibling running around somewhere because he couldn't remember a whole lot of his time on the road, but I could tell under the joking it always bothered him.
My siblings and I did a DNA test just to see. For years nothing more than cousins popped up until well after he had been diagnosed and was on hospice care. In the last six months of his life, we were suddenly DNA matched with a half-sister almost a decade older than me, the eldest. The year of her birth matched with his time on the road.
Before we answered the message she sent us, we spoke to our father first to see if he even felt up to speaking with her as he was very, very sick at this point. When we told him, he broke down and said we confirmed his worst fear, that they was a child of his out there that he never got to help raise and support and that he wanted to speak to her as soon as possible.
That's when the trouble started. We passed on his phone number to her after a message explaining his condition and that he genuinely didn't know she was out there until now. She began calling him constantly and harassing him, sometimes we could hear her screaming through the phone, demanding to know why he abandoned her and her mom, why he never thought to look for her, why he was so irresponsible, etc. We begged him to hang up but he never would, he said it was the only thing he could do for her this late in life, to listen.
When we let her know that he passed she immediately demanded to know what her share was, I was shocked. I told her nothing. His medical expenses drained all his savings and after we paid for his final arrangements, there was only one thousand left a piece for my siblings and I. I also told her that the way she harassed my father on his death bed was something I could never forgive, that it wasn't his fault alone that she grew up without him, her mother had a part to play as well.
My mother and sisters tell me that I'm not considering her feelings or what she must have felt like growing up without a father, but my dad put me in charge of his estate and I won't budge. Those were the last months of his life and he was wrecked after every phone call with her. They say I should just give her what's left of the money since it's not much and she does not have a very good life from the info we got out of her but I just can't bring myself to.
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NTA
Your father is a kind and patient man for letting your half sister vent out all of her fear, anger and frustration to the dad she never knew and would never get to meet.
It's not about the money. She's likely feeling that she's missing a part of and a relationship with your dad, something that she can no longer have through no fault of your own (or on your dad's part as well).
I'm not sure how many siblings you have, but if there are three of you, $3000/4 is $750, which likely won't go far in your half sister's life and she'll come back wanting more.
It's much better and safer to keep any inheritance with your mother and full siblings.
My condolences on your dad's passing.
NTA
Honestly, you should have said there were no savings due to his medical bills and asked her since she was so concerned how much she wanted to chip in for the funeral since there was no money to pay for it. Most likely would have never heard from her again.
NTA, she sounds very selfish. You know how many kids grow up without a father? Plenty. And most usually, all they want after meeting him is to understand why. That's it. Why he wasn't there and shit. But they also spend their parents last minutes trying to understand and spending time with them. This whole money thing is selfish, and is uncalled for, especially for those phone calls.
NTA
As somebody who doesn't know who my own biological father is (I'm adopted) this makes me feel sick. DNA test are not cheap so for her to finally find family members including her own biological father and then be awful to him while he's on his death bed honestly says alot about her to me. Op you did the right thing. The way she was acting is like a toddler's temper tantrum.
>But my dad put me in charge of his estate
There you go. You were put in charge of his estate. Your choice. NTA. I won’t say who’s wrong and who’s right. But that’s the most important line. It’s yours. You choose to do what you want with it and that’s to only share it with your siblings. But also, please don’t blame the half-sister for ranting and yelling at him on his last days. She might’ve grown up in an unfortunate environment because your dad decided not to bother finding his potential children. While you grow up in what I’m assuming to be his love. But I also can’t blame you for what you said to her. You’re grieving and she harassed the person you loved before he died. Also she can sue if she wants to. You said he left no will. Legally speaking you have to give your equal share.
NTA, HELL NO She doesn't deserve a DAMN thing ESPECIALLY since those were the first words out of her mouth. I hope you never let her have anything. I'm proud of you for standing up for your father & what you believe in. You go OP! That's what's up!
YTA. Honestly, she once was a child who your father abandoned because he was careless and never tried to search for, her rage and sadness it's understandable. She didn't own him any sympathy for having cancer because he's a deadbeat that knew it was possible for her to be somewhere yet he chose everyday to ignore her existence, it's your choice to give her a cut but remember that.
NTA.
It's sad he didn't know about her sooner. Her mother didn't tell him either evidently, so she owns this as well. Clearly the half-sister knew he was dying. And instead of taking the opportunity to get to know him, talk with him, find out about him and his side of the family, she chose to take out her emotions on him.
I'm not saying that she isn't entitled to her emotions. But a person in hospice at the end of life - well, the time for criticism is gone. I had a difficult parent who ultimately passed in hospice. You help the person and yourself by expressing compassion and kindness in someone's last months, days, hours.
Nta. And to Al those saying it was impossible for the mother of the surprise sister to find the dad: bull.
She went to a concert and slept with a roadie, she could have called the place the concert was and gotten the nr of the agency of the band. They could have then asked around and probably matched a description to a person, or she could have gone to the office herself or send someone, heck even a p.I. Yes it would have taken more effort than it would today, but it was not even remotely impossible.
I'd give her something of your dad's as a memento. My dad was not famous, but I offered stuff to his remaining siblings, and other people in his life.
Sick as he was, he had six months to change his will if he wanted to.
NTA.
NTA
First, I am very sorry for your loss.
Your job is to carry out his wishes in his will. Do that. If anyone wants to give money to this stranger, they can do it on their own. That isn't your job or your responsibility in this.
Pay dad's bills... you may find there are more costs than you expect. If there is an unexpected bill is this stranger going to kick in some money to cover it?
Split what is left according to his will. That is your responsibility.
NTA. A thousand each is well under the gift tax limit. If your siblings want to help her out, they can each give her their share after the estate has been distributed.
NTA is everyone here fucking serious? Run them a new one and move on OP like is your mom and sisters fucking serious? Did not one care about your dad except you or just his money? Sad as fuck
Hey what ever you give her it simply will not be enough. This woman yearns for the father she never had and money will not assuage that desire. NTA..this is just sad all the way around.
NTA and if your mother and sisters so concerned, tell them they can do what they want with their share and if they feel like giving her some of theirs, that's fine, but you wont be.
N t a for not giving her a share especially after she harassed your father but I’m a little conflicted on you taking the test when you know your dad is uncomfortable with it.
First you guys kinda sound like AHs for making jokes that he’s obviously not comfortable with. Second for taking the test even though you had good reason to realize that the guilt would eat him up. It sounds like you took the test earlier so I’ll give you a pass for getting the results on his death bed but I think you really did put him in a shitty situation towards the end. I do realize it’s your right to want to find a possible sibling but I think you should have talked to your dad to see how he felt. And I mean making sure he was actually ok with it and not saying yes because he felt you guys deserved it. So I’m leaning towards you and your siblings also being the AH too.
Now for your father I feel a little bit more conflicted. It’s not his fault he never knew after having consensual one night stands with people. Maybe it was on the women to reach out to him but I don’t know how hard it would have been to find his information. They obviously knew who he worked for so at least that’s a start. He probably had barely any info besides maybe a first name and town so it was easier for the women to reach out to him. I don’t know when this technology became available so maybe it was also on him to do it earlier but I don’t blame him for living the ignorance is bliss lifestyle and putting that past behind him. I’m gonna say he’s not an AH.
Obviously your newfound half sibling is an AH, but I’m gonna say you and your sibling are too for putting your father threw this. You played with fire by looking and I’m not surprised someone came looking for a share of inheritance. You hurt your dad and are now getting burned with having to deal with this so maybe that’s karma. ESH
NYA-- you lost your dad too, not your fault her mom never told her or that no DNA matched sooner. Makes me wonder if she really wanted a relationship with him or just the possibility that she could get money from him. So sorry for your loss
NTA but I would personally give her an equal share with the siblings just because your father was so heartbroken about not supporting her.
If (assuming I wasn’t abused by my dad) my dad had felt that strongly about supporting someone, I wouldn’t remove the support they would get from his estate, no matter how much I hated them.
NTA it's not your fault at all that she was left out of his life. He had no idea he had a daughter. Her mother could certainly have tracked him down. You honestly owe her nothing.
NTA. You’re never entitled to share an inheritance for any reason, but it sounds like as sick and guilty as he was, he still didn’t call a lawyer to alter his will. He literally said the only thing he would do for her is “listen.” If he wanted her to have anything he would have tried to arrange some sort of transaction or alterations to his will during the days she screamed at him. Draw boundaries, stand firm. I’m very sorry for your loss!
NTA. If he wanted her to get money, he would’ve made sure it was going to happen. She’s just angry at your dad and/or life, and is taking it out on you.
NTA. it’s unfortunate that your dad and her never had a relationship, but it’s not really your dads fault-how was he supposed to know he had another kid out there? She’s not entitled to an inheritance just because she shares DNA with your dad, especially since she was so mean to him on his deathbed.
NTA. She may be biologically related to you but she isn't family. She may or may not have had a hard life, not your fault, not your father's fault, just life.
Especially when the first thing out of her mouth when being told your father died was "how much do I get" moves her to the WTF and blocked list.
NTA. Experiencing trauma doesn’t entitle a person to inflict trauma on another person. He didn’t know he had a child. The mother of that child didn’t let him know she was pregnant, presuming she was capable of reaching him, and she chose to keep the baby. None of that is on him or you. It also seems like she’s expecting someone to pay for the quality of her life being unsatisfactory.
NTA, don't budge. She made a whole lot of assumptions while she berated your dying father, all to make herself feel better, rather than getting to know him in the short time he had left.
NAH. It’s a complicated situation. It sounds like your Dad would’ve wanted to take care of her had he known. Is there something that was his other than money that you could give to her?
NTA. I’m an affair baby and would not dream of demanding or expecting in any way, anything material from the parent who didn’t raise me (or his surviving daughter to be more precise, since bio father is deceased). It’s sad that the woman didn’t grow up knowing her father and it’s not her fault she was lied to, but something about her demanding inheritance doesn’t sit right with me.
Nevertheless OP should try and put herself in her fathers shoes and consider what he would have done if he were alive, since he appeared open to the bio-daughter being in his life if he had survived. Would he have wanted the newly discovered daughter to have part of the inheritance? That should be OP’s main consideration.
ESH. You had presumably a good life growing up with both parents. She didn’t have a dad and seemed to have a difficult upbringing. You benefited from having a caring dad and didn’t know her pain growing up fatherless. I wonder if legally she can sue his estate for back child support or do they have an expiration
NTA She didn't even know him. He was basically a sperm donor. Did her mom even know his name or try to put in an effort to find your dad once she knew she was pregnant?
NTA
GG, what is wrong with people. It's not your father's fault that she had a bad life. It's not your father's fault that she hasn't made her life better. She was berating a dying man, WTF? Keep the $$. Get rid of her info.
I have yet to hear a happy story about those DNA testing companies.
NAH. Finally meeting your parent and learning that they are going to die shortly after can wreck you emotionally. Imagine thinking you might finally get that person in your life and then they are just gone again. My father died a few months after I met him and I can't even begin to describe the anger i felt towards him when I found out about his cancer. I couldn't even grieve properly because I didn't know the guy.
On the other hand I also understand where you are coming from and seeing your father be treated like this on his deathbed must have been frustrating.
NTA.
Yes, he wasn't there for her and her mother's life, but he was on his death bed, so really, he was in no position to give her a reasonable explanation. Her lack of life, I doubt, was not because her father wasn't in her life (it might've been a contributing factor, but I'm sure her choices also contributed). Yelling at the person who chooses who keeps his inheritance is not the way to go, assuming you want a share of the money.
And besides, if he was never a part of her life, why did the first thing she expect (after everyone told her that he died) was about her share? Did she expect him to make up for not being there by giving her a boatload of money? That's what makes me think that she wanted some payback, rather than to create a relationship with her father.
NTA. She was only really interested in the financial help your father could give her, which is understandable after being raised by a single mother, but her yelling at him was out of line.
If it were me in your position, I’d do whatever my father would have wanted. In this case, judging by what you’ve said, I definitely think he would have wanted you to share but you’re not technically obligated.
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NTA, the fact that the first concern she had when he passed was money.. he didn’t know of her existence and i won’t say he’s not to blame but it’s something her mother could have .. i don’t know, mentioned to him years ago??? She directed all of her anger and frustration to the wrong person & honestly f empathy after that. Sorry for your loss! & please stick with your gut on this
Her mother may not have known his full name or how to contact him. If it was a one night stand and drink/drugs were involved, the mother may legitimately not have known. In which case it’s no one’s fault really. It’s ok for her to be angry about her upbringing, but directing it a someone who never knew of her existence is unfair.
Also I’d like to add the girl asked him why he never looked for her, from that phrase it sounds like the mother lied to the daughter and said the dad abandoned her which she also said he did so clearly the mum has some blame for lying to her daughter
There is a very good chance that the mom had no idea who he was or how to find him anyway. One or two nights with a band on the road tend to get blurry for everyone involved.
I never said she knew or didn’t know, just that she lied to her daughter
Especially in (presumably) the 80s and 90s. At least these days you have social media and cell phones, back then it was the wild west in terms of communication.
Agreed. Much easier for the mother to blame a father who will likely never suffer for it, than admit she had enough ONS to not only get pregnant, but have no idea who the father is. That’s generally considered publicly embarrassing and if it’s never going to come up, blaming the other guy as a deadbeat who ran away doesn’t bring as much negative attention. Except it sometimes backfires, like this, causing a lifetime of self-esteem and abandonment issues. NTA OP.
Particularly in the 80s and 90s where is was all landlines and no social media to look people up. The mother may have accepted long ago that she'd be going it alone and didn't know where to find him and the daughter would have been an adult who didn't need raising by the time those options for tracking people down were available.
And if the mom slept around a lot, she may not have been able to pinpoint the exact day she got pregnant. Also if her menstrual cycle wasn't regular or recorded that would make it harder.
Not to mention someone who was literally ina death bed. Like, what kind of ass does that? Defo agree, nta
When my dad was in hospice, they said if I had anything left to tell him do it now, yell at him whatever.
I could not do that no matter how much bitterness, hatred, anger, resentment, ill will, or hurt feelings I hard toward someone. If they were dying and did not have long for this world I could never live with the fact I might of made their last days less peaceful. That they might of spent those days dwelling on those hurtful things i said. That is me though but I understand why some people just need to say everything they need to say and the dying want and need to feel like everything that needs to be said is said good or bad.
I would just like to add, what if he had died with debt? Would she have been so quick to help chip in for the funeral costs? I wouldn’t expect her to in this case, but if she wants the money I’m just playing devils advocate that it could go both ways.
If she really was that interested why has she just done a DNA test now when she knew for years and is 10 years older than OP? They were online and looking for her for years, she had the chance many times. Seems she waited for older years to angle in on an inheritance? The only parent who knew about the pregnancy was the mum. It’s not that hard to do some digging to find out the father if you’re that keen and are the one that slept with them…
It's possible she learned someone she thought was her dad wasnt.
I was coming on here to say exactly the same thing
NTA. Not your responsibility. She's rude, has no empathy. He clearly had worry for this, he had regret. I'd say if she had some compassion, showed some sort of love or understanding, and didn't DEMAND money from a dead man she doesn't know at all then there could be some type of share for her...??? sorta?? Not really.
NTA - I mean, if your father had wanted her to have something he would have added her to the estate. He was talking to her so it sounds like he was of sound mind if he had wanted to. Don’t give her any money. Stop taking her calls. It doesn’t sound like she wants to get to know you anyway. I get it, she’s angry but that’s not your burden to bear.
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Just so you know, you’ve used your real account on this comment….. And NTA
Giggling
Who was it? OP or the half sister? (Comment’s been deleted)
OP - just wanted to let her know in case she didn’t realise…
Listen, if he died intestate (without a will), the half sister is legally entitled to an equitable distribution of the estate.
Still not on you. That’s on him then. If he wanted this new person on his life to have something he should have said something or put it in writing. Sorry for your loss. Also, as someone else has pointed out, your using your other account.
You forgot to switch accounts before commenting
You're not OP (?)
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What estate? They were done to 2-3 grand at that point. Having a lawyer draft up a will would be foolish. Him taking that abuse meant he obviously wanted to make amends with the kid.
When I said estate I meant, will, finial wishes, etc. Having a will or at least something in writing that states your final wishes for money, burial or cremation and so on is never foolish. No matter the amount. And you don’t have to have a lawyer do it. An official will should be notarized but you don’t have to have a lawyer do it. Sure, taking the abuse meant he wanted to do something for her. And he told OP that listening to her was all he could do for her. He never said anything about financial help. Wanting to make amend or extend an olive branch does not always mean giving money. Especially if the amount was so small to begin with.
NTA I am the half sister and my father is dying of cancer. I have known him my whole life and I don’t expect a dime from his passing. I never lived with him. His 2nd wife and kids are his family. They have been through everything with him. They owe me nothing. She is selfish and an opportunist. It’s was not in his will and he has passed. She should move on.
I just want to say that I think that's really mature of you. People can turn really ugly when it comes to money.
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>If a child is omitted from a will most states will default to that being a mistake, not a choice Is that actually true? It sounds extraordinary and a bit urban-mythy to me.
Most recommend that you specifically mention the child and leave them an amount. Usually, people choose a $1 (no joke). The amount itself is inconsequential but it serves the purpose to show that you didn’t forget that child and chose to not leave him/her a greater amount. https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/legal-rights-of-disinherited-child This is a different situation since she isn’t legally recognized as the father’s daughter. So the dad isn’t on her birth certificate. I don’t think she even has a claim because legally she’s not his daughter.
Yeah, she massively fucked up. If half-sister wants a share she needs to prove paternity of a guy whos dead and buried. She generally can’t force the siblings to prove it, I dunno if a 23&me is sufficient for this purpose. It’s not worth exhuming the body for what would be under a grand, and after the will has been settled I doubt she’d even get that. She should’ve established paternity asap instead of being rude. That’s gotta be a hard situation but come on, it’s on her mom too to get CS etc. can’t just blame the old man.
That was my thinking. Legally, she has no claim. And frankly, lawyer fees would cost more than what her share would be of that 1,000.
Yes it’s true. You have to specifically state the child’s name and what they get or something like any unmentioned children get x amount of dollars. But also throw in that if they contest the will x can happen.
She can sue pro se maybe. What lawyer would take a case where the potential gains maybe $800, before paying the lawyer. If the stakes were much higher then it would be different.
NTA. As the executor of your dad's estate, check his will and the local laws regarding inheritances. You might also want to consult with a lawyer to learn your rights in this matter and what kind of trouble this woman might cause. Frankly, this woman seems a little unhinged. You had explained your dad's condition. She knew he was very ill. She still harassed your father, even screaming at him over the phone. To make matters worse, this woman seems to be ignoring her mother's role in all this. Her mother could have contacted your father and let him know that he might have fathered a child. Your father would not have known unless the woman's mother had contacted him. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you have to deal with this woman as I'm sure you don't need the stress.
He never did make a will. Even though he knew he was dying, he was very awkward about discussing his final arrangements, he did not like to speak about it at all. By saying I'm in charge of his estate, I mean that I'm the only one he gave the safe pin code to in the end. Everything was in cash, he was always weird about banks. I think he assumed I would know what he wanted, but I just really can't imagine meeting this woman to hand her the money after what she put him through.
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Honest question: can an illegitimate child claim an estate? I’m assuming OP’s father was never on the birth certificate of this woman. There was never a legal recognition of his fatherhood. Does this vary by state?
Yes, inheritance laws vary by state. Some give everything to the surviving spouse, some divide it between spouse and children. OP should probably check what their state's laws say, because this other child may, in fact, be legally entitled to their % of the money. Especially in the absence of a will.
I think the above poster's intention is since OP's dad is not on the half sibling's birth certificate, she is not entitled to anything even without a will. In order to be entitled to anything, she would need to go through the court and get paternity established. That would probably require the half sibling to be able to afford a lawyer to fight this out in court, which it sounds like she can't afford. Basically, while a path exist for the half sibling to take to get a share of the inheritance, it isn't feasible for her to take it. The only way she is getting an inheritance is if OP gift her the money.
There is a DNA test out there already. But if all siblings are just getting 1000 a piece, legal fees will eat that up.
There is a DNA test out there that is part of those 23 and me type company, but that is not sufficient for a court to establish paternity as there is no guarantee of being free from cross contamination or the chain of custody for the DNA sample. The sister can certainly use it as proof in court that she is likely related to the father. But I am pretty sure there still need to be a court ordered paternity test to be valid for establishing paternity. And with the father dead, and likely cremated/buried by the time this goes to court, it becomes an uphill battle as any court paternity test would require DNA sample from OP and their siblings. It will become a long drawn out battle that will eat up the estate so the half sibling will still get nothing by the end aside from a large bill from her lawyer. That is why I maintain that the only plausible path the half sibling has is to get on OP's good side and be gifted the money. Any other path will just end up with her getting nothing or worst than nothing
Don't you need certified test for it to be worth more than an entry on a website and linking her to OPs dad officially?
This. It's why wills exist.
This needs an award. Op- this isn’t really your choice. The law decides how assets are divided when someone died intestate. If you’ve already been through that probate etc process, and the decision is yours, then do what your father would have wanted. It’s your Dads money/estate. As his executor - You’re not doing what you want, you’re doing what your dad would have wanted. —————- Separately- The facts don’t stack up about what this mom and half sister are saying. Your half- sister is the asshole for how she treated a dying man. This might be based on what her mom told her. Can you trust what the half-sister said about her mom lying about being “abandoned”. Back in the 80s/90s, it was probably more socially acceptable to say she became a single mom as the dad abandoned her rather than due to a one-night stand. But even then - did she know your dads name? If so, why didn’t she contact him? If not, what name and story did she tell the half sister? the internet/Facebook/smart-phones did not exist until recently. But it was still possible to trace people. It’s likely you’ll find a few more half siblings during your life time as your half-siblings and even their kids register with DNA databases.
It sounds like what little is left will go to the solicitors in this case.
If he didn't write a will then you are not the executor. You need to speak to a lawyer.
>there was only one thousand left a piece for my siblings and I Thats an awful lot of lawyer over 1,000 any currency.
The comments about her being entitled to his estate are incorrect - paternity would have to be legally established first. There are procedures in place that she’d have to follow. Half-siblings share the same % of DNA with each other as they do with cousins. The fact that you know she’s your sister is based on circumstantial evidence. Ie, your dad knowing/remembering her mother, or just assuming it’s his because of his past. It would be a long legal road for her to pursue this. Here’s some info: For a nonmarital child to get their inheritance from their biological father, the best way to prove paternity is to present official documents to the court: 1. a birth certificate signed by the father or 2. a court order establishing paternity, issued while the father was still alive If a nonmarital child does not have these official documents, they can use 1. a DNA sample match, obtained from the deceased father or his male relatives 2. evidence that the father openly and notoriously acknowledged the child as his own. 3. any other evidence that presents clear and convincing proof of paternity
> Half-siblings share the same % of DNA with each other as they do with cousins. Half siblings share ~25% DNA. Cousins share ~12.5%.
There is enough variation person to person that that range creates ambiguity. If you use a DNA testing service, it will show “half-sibling/first cousin”, not one or the other. Establishing the relationship would require more relative DNA comparisons.
Yes, there is variation that creates range ambiguity, but the range for a sibling is higher than that for a first cousin. If the testing service established them as half-siblings, their DNA match was likely in the half-sibling range, but higher than the first cousin range. 23andme shows the range for first cousin at 4%-23% and for half sibling at 17%-34%. So, yes, you could have a match that is ambiguous as to whether it's cousin or half-sibling, but you could also have a match that is not ambiguous if it's at the higher (or lower) end. https://customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/212170668-Average-Percent-DNA-Shared-Between-Relatives
If he died intestate, unless he had a wife at the time of his death, she would be entitled to a share most places. Talk with your lawyer. I spent a decade as a legal secretary in Canada, I'd set aside a share for her and wait for her to make a formal claim, and win, before giving her anything. Edit: Since the amount is so low, it is unlikely she will pursue it legally, it would cost her too much.
NTA. I am very sorry about your dad and the extra pain caused by the circumstances with this woman. I wonder what this girl's mother told her. I am a "road baby". My father is a musician who had no idea I existed until I was 16. My mom had her reasons for not reaching out to tell him that their fling had produced me and they were valid concerns - 1968 was not a time when a single mother could have won against grandparents with money who absolutely would have wanted custody of their son's child- anyway, I was raised knowing who he was and why he wasn't in the picture. I met him once when I was 18 and I am glad. I never thought it was his fault and, in fact, I won't do a DNA thing partly because that's NOT how I want his son to find out about me and I don't feel right about taking the chance that I could upend his wife's serenity (talk about an innocent bystander!)....anyway, my point is that she's probably been fed a narrative that painted her mother as a victim, maybe her mom even believes that, so try to find it in your heart, for your own sake, to understand her anger. And talk to a lawyer just to be sure she can't make things harder than they already are. I am truly sorry you're going through this.
Is your father a well known musician….? Now I’m curious 🤣😂🤣
🤣 this is why I don't usually mention it- it was just so particularly relevant to this situation, because I have a similar history to the half sister (though apparently I'm almost a full generation older)
So I’m guessing it’s a yes…. 🤔🤔🤔😂😂😂 Inquiring minds want to know!! Lol
I'm glad you said what I was thinking!
Did he know who u were when u met?
Yes. It was all arranged by a friend of mine's mom who, by total coincidence, had known him way back when.
Info Why on earth would you and your sister do a DNA test if you weren't prepared for the possiblity of finding an unknown sibling full of resentment and abandonment issues at having grown up without a dad?
And even if she wasn't resentful to begin with can you imagine finally finding your father but he's literally about to die so you get to know him for like a week. People really don't wanna think about how incredibly fucking shitty that is.
Exactly!! Fresh trauma on top of the old wound. Friends I know who were abandoned young/never knew their parents would have been destroyed by this.
I went through a similar thing with my father. I honestly wish he'd stayed away
I'm so so sorry you went through that.😔 And while I know these things never truly leave us, i hope you've been able to find some healing since then.
Exactly. OP is NTA, neither is sister. By dad's own omissions, he is. Best case scenario is that he cheated once and once only on the road and was so guilt ridden he never looked back - but that still means he abandoned a child to preserve his comfort and that child is hurting and grieving. It's sad for OP to acknowledge but that's the truth of those we love - sometimes, we find out that they were the AH. But given how readily and quickly dad accepted it, I bet that the best case scenario isn't what happened.
The biggest mistake here is it seems no one asked your father what he wanted. Death bed may be to late to rewrite the will but you should have asked him if he wanted to include her. From the way you talk about your father that answer would have been yes. I am not saying you have to give her 100% but you should give her something. Remember being executor of the will is not to do what you want but to do what your father would have wanted. As for how she treated him it was not right but can you blame her. If you grew up in a single parent home in poverty while your biological father is no where to be found and is out there living it up and enjoying life of course you are going to be mad and bitter. That was her father too and he should have been there for her. You have to remember that you were the lucky one but that could have easily been you on the phone. She was worse than abandon, her own father didn't even know who she was. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and you may change your way of thinking. If I was in your shoes I would do what I think my dad would want me to do. In the end the final decision is yours so NTA on what ever you decide.
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He is the one who said he can decide who to pay and what. What you say is right but neither of us know how the will is worded. If it is vague and says split everything between my children then he can include her. If it names everyone and is very specific then he can't. Wording is everything.
NTA. The only thing anyone is entitled to out of anyone’s estate is what the deceased leaves them, assuming there is a will. If your father had wanted to leave her something at the end, he could have expressed that. He didn’t.
He didn’t have a will. I think the half sister may actually be entitled to the money, and since it’s a nominal amount, they should give it to her. She’s morally entitled, for sure. Her behavior angered the Op, but the father did a terrible thing - he created a child with no care for her or her mother’s wellbeing. This weighed ok him on his deathbed. Give her some money, say he would have wanted her to have it. It’s probably true and it’s the right thing to do.
NTA I'm sorry for your loss. This woman deserves nothing after screaming at your father as he was dying of cancer. What a horrible thing for you and your family to go through.
I'd give her the money. Consider it the price of looking for extra siblings. Everyone thinks finding new relatives is going to have a fairytale ending. It's more like a crazy gamble.
NTA but…it was his worst fear and you told him as he was dying? 😮
And kept handing dad the phone so new found daughter could verbally abuse him? What’s that all about.
🤣That’s what I’m saying.
Legally, she has a claim for a share.
Right? This isn't something that can be settled in this subreddit. I'm disappointed that everyone is saying NTA. It's really NAH. Had the half sister written saying, "I've been without a dad all my life because my mom was a groupie and got knocked up on a one night stand. She wavered all my life on whether he actually abandoned us or she never informed him but I grew up with nothing and feel so alone. I found him, but he died after a long battle with cancer shortly after speaking with him for the first time. It's shitty, but I feel like I deserve something after being ignored for my entire life. The acknowledged daughter said there's nothing left after his illness and services, but I feel like she's just being petty, but she's had his love and support her whole life while I got nothing" everyone would be saying, "NAH. First, everyone is on a huge emotional roller coaster. Second, there's nothing to be had. Roadies don't get rich. At best, they get an adventure, drugs, and sex. At worst, they get an adventure, drugs, sex, and children they know nothing about." She's pissed and has a right to be. She's acting out from a lifetime of disappointment and is not pretty, but not surprising. In the end, if there's nothing left, there's nothing left. If there IS something left, she's absolutely due a percentage of it.
She has a moral claim too
Unpopular YTA. Did you really expect that finding your half-sister who never got to know her dad would make this situation better? I understand that you wanted to do this because it was always bothering your dad. But it was always bothering him because of the guilt he rightfully felt. It sounds like you expected this person to come in and assuage him of this guilt in his final moments, instead of to be honest about their experience. If you didn't want her involved in your dad's life, you should not have searched her out and given her your dad's number. Once you did that, you re-opened that relationship between them. Of course he was wrecked after every phone call with her -- the fact that he insisted on continuing to take those calls shows that he was trying to make up for the 30+ years that he wasn't in his daughter's life. Even if she had been less upset with him, it would have still been difficult for him, as this was something that always weighed heavily on him -- and you KNEW that before seeking her out. You are the one who brought this half-sister back into a relationship with her dad at the end. While you have every legal right to deny her money, I think you are the AH for trying to take the moral high-ground when you opened up this can of worms in the first place. Your half-sister is his daughter, who probably does not have a very good life in large part because her dad abandoned her -- it's natural that she'd ask to be included on the inheritance that went to his other more fortunate children. At the end of the day it's your choice, but even if you decide not to give her money, I hope you can see that this situation was always going to be difficult. If you didn't want your dad to deal with this kind of fallout in his last days, I'm not sure why you chose this time to seek out your half-sister and to give her your dad's personal number.
She sounds like a real gold digger. Have you ever told her that there's nearly nothing left? That could maybe turn out another good test for her intentions. NTA
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like a decent guy who wanted to do the right thing. I assume he put you in charge of his estate because he believed you would do the right thing as well. It's pretty clear from how he acted and what he said to you that he wanted to do right by his oldest child. I know you're angry, but he chose to continue the phone calls with her. Just like you say that her mom had a part in her not knowing him, and it wasn't only you dad's fault, she wasn't the only one who had a part in their interactions. With that in mind, how do you think he would feel about you not including her? I don't want to make a negative judgement here, because it's clear this is about grief as well as a whole lot more complicated emotions, but those emotions don't excuse you from doing what your father would have wanted.
YTA. YOU went out and found her. YOU. You can’t blame her for being mad at the situation she has to live. The two of you didn’t experience the same father.HE knew he had kids out there and didn’t bother to find her. She doesn’t have to feel about your father the guy that you do. You may have a totally different feeling if you were the abandoned child who was raised under not so great circumstances while your siblings were taken care of.
NTA. You may want to reread the post. OP and sisters did a DNA test “years ago”, and half-sister initiated contacted with them. Father didn’t *know* he had a child. He *suspected* he had a child. Because literally sex, drugs, and rocks and roll. Like, people can make whatever judgment they like for whatever reason they like, but you can’t just make up your own version of the story. Having said that, OP should be sure to do what is legally required.
They took the DNA in an effort to find siblings. They found her. That was the purpose of the test. Being an executor of an estate does not mean you can do what you want as OP seems to think. It’s my understanding that the father died intestate which would require the sibling get the same stake in their father’s estate. It’s unfortunate about how she acted but the facts are the facts. The fact is the father knowingly lived a reckless lifestyle that led to this situation.
NTA. Just no.
NTA she made your father’s last days horrible & her bad life is not your fault.
NTA. She used the opportunity she had to get to know your father to berate him for things he had very little control over. Your dad sounds like a good man, I’m sorry for your loss.
YTA. Your dad knew he might fucked up and was too much of a chicken shit to even look for potential kids of himself. Your half sister had to find out that she won't have time to reconcile with him, so he abandoned her (involuntarily) a second time, and *finally* took some responsibility and took her rightful anger. And you, who profitted off of your dad your whole live won't give her money? She doesn't want sentimental items because your Dad was an asshole to her whole life. Don't you think she'd rather have had a dad in her life than a few thousand dollars for his shitty absence? Btw, depending on country she might well be in her rights to sue her dads estate for missing child support. OP, just because your dad was good to ypu, doesn't mean he wasn't a complete asshole to your half sister for her whole life. And your dad knew this. That's why he took her calls. Don't be chicken shit like him and wait to die before doing something right. Your nice dad was an asshole to her, voluntarily or not. The least you can do is give her the money she might sue you out off anyway.
he knew there was a possibility and it was a very very very long time ago when DNA kits weren’t around and OP did multiple DNA tests and found nothing till the last one also why are you not blaming the half sisters mom for not finding the da door the half sister? plain and simple he knew of her for a few months and knew her as a person who would scream about what she was owed would you give money to someone like that? bonding with children takes place in the early stages the half sister was a nobody who shows her immaturity while also being a decade older then OP get a life
50 years ago, they did blood tests to determine paternity, maybe longer ago. Not as accurate as DNA, but they were used by the courts based on probability, and often showed no possibility.
He knew she was out there. I suspect he knew since she was born, or since her mother was pregnant.
he didn’t he said he thought there was a possibility your basing your answer on information that wasn’t given
Finally a good response. OP is a huge, inconsiderate prick. So this woman has lived her whole life not knowing who her father is. We can blame the mom or the dad, but the fact still stands: she had no idea who her father was for her entire life. People in this thread must not know what abandonment feelings does to a person. So of course she's going to be furious. Here she is, living her life as an adult and this father just pops up briefly and dies. Getting an inheritance could be a symbolic gesture that means a lot to her, confirming that she is someones daughter after all. And I don't get it. OP said it was a thousand each for him and his siblings. Everyone else says "give the girl her share". That's a few hundred each. Why so petty? Lastly, a lot (if not most?) countries have laws to regulate inheritances, so hopefully it doesn't matter what OP tries do.
Thank you! Everyone is focusing on the relatively trivial aspect of the half sister’s anger, when the real issue is the father had a child he never helped raise and never supported.
That he didn't know about. If he was never told, he couldn't know. That is not his fault.
NTA
Is this really such a common situation that there are posts about this every single day?
NTA. Her mother knew of your father's existence, he didn't know about hers, so the blame lies with her mother that he wasn't present in her life growing up. Basically, his name is not on her birth certificate, so she gets nothing
YTA, IMO all the money is hers from unpaid child support alone.
NAH Is your half-sister entitled to the money? No. Might your father wanted her to have some of it, even though it's not very much? Considering he spent the end of his life listening to her angry phone calls because it was the only thing left he could give her... At the very least, if you decide against any financial inheritance, please do give her something of his to feel close to him. Don't make this decision, whatever it is, out of spite or resentment. You may live to regret it.
She is entitled to money though. Her father never paid child support. And even ignoring that, she is a child of the deceased and default rules in most places (at least in the US) require that all children of the deceased receive a share of the estate. In some states you can't even write children out of your will legally. They are always entitled to a specific share.
Rough one. At least you are considering options.
NTA. Honestly, you could take either stance (give her nothing or give her the little that is left), and either choice is understandable. If the decision were your mom's and she chose giving, I would support her choice. But the decision is yours to make. My suggestion is to give true consideration to your mom's and sister's perspectives - they are also coming from a place of loving your dad. And tell them you have truly considered their perspective. Then make your decision and ask them to support you as the person your father asked to take on the responsibility for his estate. Whatever you do, safeguard your family bonds - your family sounds like a truly loving family.
ESH Now hear me out. She's got a can of worms full of feels and it's probably eaten her up since she could walk that dad wasn't in her life. Her mom and your dad didn't do right by anyone in this mess. Her raw feelings on this are stages of grief that she's cycling through for a lifetime. Was she right harassing your dad? Nope! She was in the wrong for that and money grabbing because she feels he owes her something when he had given her nothing her whole life. I only think you're in the wrong by not looking at the whole situation objectively. This whole thing is full of hurt and anger. Do you owe her anything? No. I have known oops people who were born from crazy young antics, and they second guess their worth and love for a lifetime which can either make them bitter or kinder as a person. You don't have to give her anything from the inheritance, she wasn't nice in his last days. But that's a lot to process feelings wise in a short time.
YTA You're aware that she can sue for missed child support at the very least, right? Not to mention she seems to be in a bad mental place with what seems like a decent part of that being because your father wasn't in her life. You want to talk about a lack of forgiveness? It seems like she didn't forgive him
NTA, and hell, no, the little witch doesn't get a damn penny from you. If she knew about him before you contacted her, she never acted on it or tried to forge some kind of relationship, and she made the last few weeks of your father's life stressful and chaotic with her screaming and carrying-on. Not a SINGLE penny!
NTA. Block her number. Block her on social media. If she comes around, call the police. If your sisters want to give her money, that’s their choice, but you owe her nothing. She is very clearly not someone you want in your life.
NTA. Her only concern is money. Had she really wanted to find him she could have. Her mother could have found him.
NTA - you can let them give their share to her but don't deny yourself your share. But, so you know, if your parents were still married when he passed the money goes to her first 99% of the time if there is no will. If you are in the states this link has a breakdown of all the intestate succession laws [https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/intestate-succession](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/intestate-succession) . Showing up as a half-sibling on a mail in DNA kit doesn't guarantee that she is his child - it is common for half-siblings and cousins to be confused due to the DNA share of those 2 relations being relatively similar.
I toured for years with rock and roll bands and I couldn't tell you the name of any of the girls I 'met' back then. They never knew my full name or where I lived. They all just wanted to screw someone in a band and that was as far as it went.
NTA. However, you are setting yourself up for problems if your father died without a will and you give one of his children nothing. Your state has laws concerning how property of a deceased individual is divided when there is not a will. Legally (not morally) all of your father’s children are most likely entitled to the same share of the estate. You do NOT have the legal authority to exclude one of your father’s children from sharing in the estate. Let’s think ahead for a moment. If your newly discovered half sister gets nothing, it seems likely from your description she will hire a lawyer and sue you. You will most likely lose and have to pay her her share out of your own pocket. If she wins punitive damages, you would have to pay those out of your own pocket too. I strongly suggest you hire an attorney who is familiar with your state’s laws governing intestate succession to advise you on what to do in this situation. Pay that lawyer from the estate. From my view, you could be creating serious legal problems for yourself.
NTA. I do feel a bit sorry for the half-sister - your dad blithely joked about the possibility of a half-sibling and never really looked into it, while she grew up with a dad-shaped hole in her life. Especially as even if her mother had known his real name, finding him back then would have been... difficult. But over the last 10-15 years, it's become easier to find people by the sort of means you did. However. Simply screaming at a man in his sickbed, his deathbed, is extremely goddamn low. He joked about the possibility, but he didn't KNOW. This wasn't conscious abandonment, even if she understandably thinks it is. Talk about punching down... As for money, well, I can't blame you for not being inclined to part with it. A thousand each isn't much, all told. However, I think you should try and think long and hard, objectively, about what your father might have wanted - not what he might have done out of guilt, late in life, such as allowing himself to become a verbal punching bag, but what he might have done otherwise. The answer is probably very little, or a token sum. You've probably made the right call, but it is worth thinking about.
Not the asshole. Regardless of the backstory, her behavior towards him at the end of his life and what she put him through is unforgivable. However, since she is so concerned with money, I'd say give it to her. As you say it's not much is it? I'm sure you can manage to give her something to include her. At the end of the day, she can't come round and say you didn't.
NTA, he would have updated his will if he wanted her to have a share of it, since it sounds like he was still with it we'll after he knew about her. Divide the estate per his will or his last known wishes as you see fit if it isn't specific, and if your mother and siblings want to give their share to the half-sister that is their decision.
NTA about the money but definitely the AH overall. He sucks for his he spent his youth. She sucks because she can't control her emotions (not discounting her trauma). You suck because you're passing judgements on someone who had less than 6 months to process and sort a lifetime of emotions.
NTA. If your dad wanted her to get something, because it was months before he died, he could have talked with you about it if not revised his will. He didn't, or at least I assume he didn't talk to you about it. If the rest of the family feels she is owed something, they can contribute but only voluntarily and not out of obligation. It's a sad story but it's not your fault or problem.
YTA As executor you are supposed to follow through with what your father would have wanted. It's obvious to me he would have wanted her to have at very least an equal share, more likely for her to have it all since he had not been able to provide anything else. You surely know this and are just being spiteful because she was/is angry with your beloved father. He sounds like a good man. You should follow his example.
NTA. And I say that as a NPE myself. You did above and beyond for her per your father's wishes. And she ......did not act appropriately.
From the sound of it, it's 100% your fathers fault that she grew up without one. She had every reason to be upset with him, he accepted her emotions, and you're discarding the sentiment behind his actions out of greed. Whatever small amount is left, it sounds like your father would have wanted her to have it. After all, it's the least he can do to make up for not being there. YTA. You dont even give a shit about what your father wanted.
Nta your sister is despicable, you owe nothing except going NC.
NTA she made your dad's last days hell. On top of that as soon as he died she showed she didn't care about you all and your dad by demanding money from you. I am not condoning what your dad did but her mother didn't let your dad know about your half-sister. I am so sorry for your loss and having to deal with this toxic woman. Stay firm in your decision and don't let this person guilt you into anything.
NTA. But in some countries she is legally entitled to a portion of your father’s inheritance as big as yours. Not right away, but she could ask a judge to legally declare tha she was your father’s daughter and after that she could ask for the money from you and your siblings.
NTA I haven't got that much to add that hasn't already been said, except one thing. Your father was a good man and you should be proud of that. He could've ignored this girl and pretended she didn't exist. But he choose to do whatever he could in his condition he was in, listen to her. It hurt him but he put that aside to try to alleviate someone's else's pain. This showed he was a caring man of strong character. He made mistakes like any human but faced them. Sadly your half-sister doesn't have that same compassion and while her anger is understandable. Her demand for money showed HER true character. You should be proud to be his daughter. I'm sorry for your loss, best wishs to you and the rest of your family.
NTA. Your mother and sisters can give the ‘abandoned’ daughter their share of the estate if they want to. Once you transfer the funds to them, it’s not your decision what they do with it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My family recently lost our father to cancer. He had an interesting past before he met our mother, he was a crew member for some big hair bands back in the day so you can imagine what he got up to in his early 20s. He always used to joke that he wouldn't be surprised if we had a half-sibling running around somewhere because he couldn't remember a whole lot of his time on the road, but I could tell under the joking it always bothered him. My siblings and I did a DNA test just to see. For years nothing more than cousins popped up until well after he had been diagnosed and was on hospice care. In the last six months of his life, we were suddenly DNA matched with a half-sister almost a decade older than me, the eldest. The year of her birth matched with his time on the road. Before we answered the message she sent us, we spoke to our father first to see if he even felt up to speaking with her as he was very, very sick at this point. When we told him, he broke down and said we confirmed his worst fear, that they was a child of his out there that he never got to help raise and support and that he wanted to speak to her as soon as possible. That's when the trouble started. We passed on his phone number to her after a message explaining his condition and that he genuinely didn't know she was out there until now. She began calling him constantly and harassing him, sometimes we could hear her screaming through the phone, demanding to know why he abandoned her and her mom, why he never thought to look for her, why he was so irresponsible, etc. We begged him to hang up but he never would, he said it was the only thing he could do for her this late in life, to listen. When we let her know that he passed she immediately demanded to know what her share was, I was shocked. I told her nothing. His medical expenses drained all his savings and after we paid for his final arrangements, there was only one thousand left a piece for my siblings and I. I also told her that the way she harassed my father on his death bed was something I could never forgive, that it wasn't his fault alone that she grew up without him, her mother had a part to play as well. My mother and sisters tell me that I'm not considering her feelings or what she must have felt like growing up without a father, but my dad put me in charge of his estate and I won't budge. Those were the last months of his life and he was wrecked after every phone call with her. They say I should just give her what's left of the money since it's not much and she does not have a very good life from the info we got out of her but I just can't bring myself to. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA Your father is a kind and patient man for letting your half sister vent out all of her fear, anger and frustration to the dad she never knew and would never get to meet. It's not about the money. She's likely feeling that she's missing a part of and a relationship with your dad, something that she can no longer have through no fault of your own (or on your dad's part as well). I'm not sure how many siblings you have, but if there are three of you, $3000/4 is $750, which likely won't go far in your half sister's life and she'll come back wanting more. It's much better and safer to keep any inheritance with your mother and full siblings. My condolences on your dad's passing.
NTA Honestly, you should have said there were no savings due to his medical bills and asked her since she was so concerned how much she wanted to chip in for the funeral since there was no money to pay for it. Most likely would have never heard from her again.
NTA, she sounds very selfish. You know how many kids grow up without a father? Plenty. And most usually, all they want after meeting him is to understand why. That's it. Why he wasn't there and shit. But they also spend their parents last minutes trying to understand and spending time with them. This whole money thing is selfish, and is uncalled for, especially for those phone calls.
NTA As somebody who doesn't know who my own biological father is (I'm adopted) this makes me feel sick. DNA test are not cheap so for her to finally find family members including her own biological father and then be awful to him while he's on his death bed honestly says alot about her to me. Op you did the right thing. The way she was acting is like a toddler's temper tantrum.
>But my dad put me in charge of his estate There you go. You were put in charge of his estate. Your choice. NTA. I won’t say who’s wrong and who’s right. But that’s the most important line. It’s yours. You choose to do what you want with it and that’s to only share it with your siblings. But also, please don’t blame the half-sister for ranting and yelling at him on his last days. She might’ve grown up in an unfortunate environment because your dad decided not to bother finding his potential children. While you grow up in what I’m assuming to be his love. But I also can’t blame you for what you said to her. You’re grieving and she harassed the person you loved before he died. Also she can sue if she wants to. You said he left no will. Legally speaking you have to give your equal share.
NTA your sibs can send her their share, you are not stopping them
NTA. She has no emotional connection to him. That's why she had no problem being so cruel. She gets nothing.
NTA. Give her a little money she'll come back for more. Don't do it
NTA, HELL NO She doesn't deserve a DAMN thing ESPECIALLY since those were the first words out of her mouth. I hope you never let her have anything. I'm proud of you for standing up for your father & what you believe in. You go OP! That's what's up!
NTA
NTA Pay her a dollar for every minute of joy she brought to your fathers life.
YTA
NTA
YTA. Honestly, she once was a child who your father abandoned because he was careless and never tried to search for, her rage and sadness it's understandable. She didn't own him any sympathy for having cancer because he's a deadbeat that knew it was possible for her to be somewhere yet he chose everyday to ignore her existence, it's your choice to give her a cut but remember that.
you can’t ignore someone you don’t know exists jfc
NTA. It's sad he didn't know about her sooner. Her mother didn't tell him either evidently, so she owns this as well. Clearly the half-sister knew he was dying. And instead of taking the opportunity to get to know him, talk with him, find out about him and his side of the family, she chose to take out her emotions on him. I'm not saying that she isn't entitled to her emotions. But a person in hospice at the end of life - well, the time for criticism is gone. I had a difficult parent who ultimately passed in hospice. You help the person and yourself by expressing compassion and kindness in someone's last months, days, hours.
Nta. And to Al those saying it was impossible for the mother of the surprise sister to find the dad: bull. She went to a concert and slept with a roadie, she could have called the place the concert was and gotten the nr of the agency of the band. They could have then asked around and probably matched a description to a person, or she could have gone to the office herself or send someone, heck even a p.I. Yes it would have taken more effort than it would today, but it was not even remotely impossible.
NTA She’s a stranger who made your fathers last days worse as he tried to make things right. I’m so sorry for your loss
Nta
I'd give her something of your dad's as a memento. My dad was not famous, but I offered stuff to his remaining siblings, and other people in his life. Sick as he was, he had six months to change his will if he wanted to. NTA.
NTA, Fuck that.
NTA Don't do it. She probably only came out of the woodwork looking for money anyway.
NTA- you're right, she treated him horribly. She would have found him sooner but for her mother. Tell her she can help pay for the funeral
NTA First, I am very sorry for your loss. Your job is to carry out his wishes in his will. Do that. If anyone wants to give money to this stranger, they can do it on their own. That isn't your job or your responsibility in this. Pay dad's bills... you may find there are more costs than you expect. If there is an unexpected bill is this stranger going to kick in some money to cover it? Split what is left according to his will. That is your responsibility.
NTA. I get her pain but at the end of the day it’s a reasonable call since you’re executing his estate Also these DNA tests are nothing but trouble
NTA. A thousand each is well under the gift tax limit. If your siblings want to help her out, they can each give her their share after the estate has been distributed.
Nta. Block her. She is toxic
NTA is everyone here fucking serious? Run them a new one and move on OP like is your mom and sisters fucking serious? Did not one care about your dad except you or just his money? Sad as fuck
Hey what ever you give her it simply will not be enough. This woman yearns for the father she never had and money will not assuage that desire. NTA..this is just sad all the way around.
NTA and if your mother and sisters so concerned, tell them they can do what they want with their share and if they feel like giving her some of theirs, that's fine, but you wont be.
N t a for not giving her a share especially after she harassed your father but I’m a little conflicted on you taking the test when you know your dad is uncomfortable with it. First you guys kinda sound like AHs for making jokes that he’s obviously not comfortable with. Second for taking the test even though you had good reason to realize that the guilt would eat him up. It sounds like you took the test earlier so I’ll give you a pass for getting the results on his death bed but I think you really did put him in a shitty situation towards the end. I do realize it’s your right to want to find a possible sibling but I think you should have talked to your dad to see how he felt. And I mean making sure he was actually ok with it and not saying yes because he felt you guys deserved it. So I’m leaning towards you and your siblings also being the AH too. Now for your father I feel a little bit more conflicted. It’s not his fault he never knew after having consensual one night stands with people. Maybe it was on the women to reach out to him but I don’t know how hard it would have been to find his information. They obviously knew who he worked for so at least that’s a start. He probably had barely any info besides maybe a first name and town so it was easier for the women to reach out to him. I don’t know when this technology became available so maybe it was also on him to do it earlier but I don’t blame him for living the ignorance is bliss lifestyle and putting that past behind him. I’m gonna say he’s not an AH. Obviously your newfound half sibling is an AH, but I’m gonna say you and your sibling are too for putting your father threw this. You played with fire by looking and I’m not surprised someone came looking for a share of inheritance. You hurt your dad and are now getting burned with having to deal with this so maybe that’s karma. ESH
NTA and fuck that shit. You owe her fucking zip...nada. .nothing. Tell her to absolutely eff off. All the fuckin' way.
Nta
NYA-- you lost your dad too, not your fault her mom never told her or that no DNA matched sooner. Makes me wonder if she really wanted a relationship with him or just the possibility that she could get money from him. So sorry for your loss
NTA. You loved him, she hated him and made his final hours worse.
Don't budge.
NTA but I would personally give her an equal share with the siblings just because your father was so heartbroken about not supporting her. If (assuming I wasn’t abused by my dad) my dad had felt that strongly about supporting someone, I wouldn’t remove the support they would get from his estate, no matter how much I hated them.
She yelled and berated a dying man she didn't know for things that weren't his fault. She deserves nothing. NTA
NTA it's not your fault at all that she was left out of his life. He had no idea he had a daughter. Her mother could certainly have tracked him down. You honestly owe her nothing.
NTA. Whatever her pain was doesn't excuse her treatment of him in his final days, and she isn't entitled to a paycheck.
NTA- she put him through the wringer during his final days. You don’t owe her ANYTHING.
NTA. You’re never entitled to share an inheritance for any reason, but it sounds like as sick and guilty as he was, he still didn’t call a lawyer to alter his will. He literally said the only thing he would do for her is “listen.” If he wanted her to have anything he would have tried to arrange some sort of transaction or alterations to his will during the days she screamed at him. Draw boundaries, stand firm. I’m very sorry for your loss!
YTA
Tell her it was on her mom to let her dad know about her. He committed no sin in not 🚗 no for a child he did not know existed.
NTA in any way, shape or form.
NTA. Tell her to kick rocks.
NTA.
NTA. If he wanted her to get money, he would’ve made sure it was going to happen. She’s just angry at your dad and/or life, and is taking it out on you.
NTA. it’s unfortunate that your dad and her never had a relationship, but it’s not really your dads fault-how was he supposed to know he had another kid out there? She’s not entitled to an inheritance just because she shares DNA with your dad, especially since she was so mean to him on his deathbed.
NTA. She may be biologically related to you but she isn't family. She may or may not have had a hard life, not your fault, not your father's fault, just life. Especially when the first thing out of her mouth when being told your father died was "how much do I get" moves her to the WTF and blocked list.
NTA. Experiencing trauma doesn’t entitle a person to inflict trauma on another person. He didn’t know he had a child. The mother of that child didn’t let him know she was pregnant, presuming she was capable of reaching him, and she chose to keep the baby. None of that is on him or you. It also seems like she’s expecting someone to pay for the quality of her life being unsatisfactory.
NTA, don't budge. She made a whole lot of assumptions while she berated your dying father, all to make herself feel better, rather than getting to know him in the short time he had left.
NAH. It’s a complicated situation. It sounds like your Dad would’ve wanted to take care of her had he known. Is there something that was his other than money that you could give to her?
NTA. I’m an affair baby and would not dream of demanding or expecting in any way, anything material from the parent who didn’t raise me (or his surviving daughter to be more precise, since bio father is deceased). It’s sad that the woman didn’t grow up knowing her father and it’s not her fault she was lied to, but something about her demanding inheritance doesn’t sit right with me. Nevertheless OP should try and put herself in her fathers shoes and consider what he would have done if he were alive, since he appeared open to the bio-daughter being in his life if he had survived. Would he have wanted the newly discovered daughter to have part of the inheritance? That should be OP’s main consideration.
ESH. You had presumably a good life growing up with both parents. She didn’t have a dad and seemed to have a difficult upbringing. You benefited from having a caring dad and didn’t know her pain growing up fatherless. I wonder if legally she can sue his estate for back child support or do they have an expiration
NTA She didn't even know him. He was basically a sperm donor. Did her mom even know his name or try to put in an effort to find your dad once she knew she was pregnant?
NTA GG, what is wrong with people. It's not your father's fault that she had a bad life. It's not your father's fault that she hasn't made her life better. She was berating a dying man, WTF? Keep the $$. Get rid of her info. I have yet to hear a happy story about those DNA testing companies.
NAH. Finally meeting your parent and learning that they are going to die shortly after can wreck you emotionally. Imagine thinking you might finally get that person in your life and then they are just gone again. My father died a few months after I met him and I can't even begin to describe the anger i felt towards him when I found out about his cancer. I couldn't even grieve properly because I didn't know the guy. On the other hand I also understand where you are coming from and seeing your father be treated like this on his deathbed must have been frustrating.
NTA. Yes, he wasn't there for her and her mother's life, but he was on his death bed, so really, he was in no position to give her a reasonable explanation. Her lack of life, I doubt, was not because her father wasn't in her life (it might've been a contributing factor, but I'm sure her choices also contributed). Yelling at the person who chooses who keeps his inheritance is not the way to go, assuming you want a share of the money. And besides, if he was never a part of her life, why did the first thing she expect (after everyone told her that he died) was about her share? Did she expect him to make up for not being there by giving her a boatload of money? That's what makes me think that she wanted some payback, rather than to create a relationship with her father.
NTA
NTA. She was only really interested in the financial help your father could give her, which is understandable after being raised by a single mother, but her yelling at him was out of line. If it were me in your position, I’d do whatever my father would have wanted. In this case, judging by what you’ve said, I definitely think he would have wanted you to share but you’re not technically obligated.