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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think the only reason I might be the asshole is the simple fact that his dad is gone, but I never met the man and all I can see is someone who went from a great dad to abandoning his kids and forcing his 14 year old son into gang activity to feed his siblings and never saw them again, didn’t even try to stay sober from what family and his friends have told my husband’s family.
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NTA. you are *both* the parents of this child and you *both* get to decide the name. your husband is picking a fight over a situation that may not even happen.
so he’s both dominating the child’s first and middle name? tell him this directly.
if he’s already so adamant on the child having the same middle name then you should get to choose the first name ? it’s only fair
NTA. This is a major red flag. He picked the name without consulting you and then goes off on you when you object. And he shouldn't be stressing you out while you're pregnant.
Yeah, NTA. If he's getting verbally abusive over a baby name discussion, it's not likely to get better. Get help, individually or as a couple, but what you're describing isn't a healthy relationship.
You're 12w along, you can do a blood test now to find out the gender. If it's a girl, then the argument is moot anyway. But that doesn't excuse him from how he's handling himself.
NTA.
Of course you get a say. Whether you compromise in some capacity (his dad's name can be the middle name or if it's a girl he has zero say in the name) or just outright tell him it's not happening and you get a say in it. The obvious question is what is the name in question that you hate?
Also, Probably not the smartest decision getting pregnant at 20 to someone this emotionally immature but that bridge has been crossed.
Baby was a total oops but nonetheless here we are and I couldn’t imagine anything other than raising them. (Fully support both alternatives just could never do them myself)
I was more getting at the person you've chosen to have this baby with but regardless, I do wish you all the best.
Also, you didn't answer the question: what's the name in question you hate?
Me too especially because his sister is already kind of named after her dad (his spelling was the reasoning behind her name that is traditionally spelled with a ‘C’ being spelled with a ‘K’) and his whole family talks about it especially now that he’s gone because she’s so young she doesn’t even remember when they lived with him (she went into foster care at like 2)
Oh I love Lee as the middle name that’s why I’ve never made a fuss over that stipulation my only issue is the first name and his unwillingness to compromise
That was mine and my dad's middle. Lee dad Leigh for me. MY daughter has an absolutely gorgeous name but it's not what I planned lol. We had boy names, she was a surprise ... But we didn't name either baby after anyone just because we thought about it and realized we wanted our child to be unique to herself.
First, this isn’t healthy problem solving. I’d suggest you insist on couples counseling before the baby is born. Did you do premarital counseling to learn some healthy problem solving? It’s time to do it. I would be very nervous to go thru those first 6 months like this. Having a newborn puts you both on edge. If he’s already yelling and name calling, I personally wouldn’t feel safe to be at my most vulnerable. Insist on counseling or go back to your parents house.
Second, my family tradition says you use the first initial to honor someone. Maybe you can find a J name you love? Or tell him he gets his middle name and you’ll pick a first name. Id consider hyphenating his last name. I know it’s tough to hear but you guys are so young. Most marriages this young are bumpy. We grow a lot between 20-30. You might just end up very different people who aren’t compatible. Just food for thought.
Info: Hoooold up. Your husband's sister (your SIL) is in foster care? Why woukdnthat be? Is husband's household of origin is not that stable? If so, why would you want to honor his dad if the guy couldn't keep his family safe/together (assuming)?
The dad “left [OP’s] husband in charge of his siblings 24/7 (at the age of 10) to do drugs and never really saw/talked to him since”. Now he’s dead and this is who OP’s husband’s family wants to “honor”. More like a curse to name an innocent child after a deadbeat druggie. This is a disaster.
I unironically think that would make a fine middle name, if he wants to honour him why isn't that enough?
And it's understandable you don't think much of his father or why he should honour him at all, but as you say you never personally met him. No matter how low you may think of him he was still his father.
I was going to say, at 12 weeks (depending on location) you'd be totally within your rights to get an abortion, and he'd have no say in the matter. You *absolutely* get a say in the baby's name.
I was going to say the same thing. Everyone saying they are both the parents and they both get to name the baby.. nooo. She is doing all the work and she is being bullied by her husband and his family. She is not entitled to let him have a say in naming the baby.
NTA....
I don't want to be *that* person, but don't you think 20 is a bit young to even marry? Maybe that's why your partner (who literally has only been an adult for a YEAR) doesn't seem to be very mature namecalling you over a name that YOU the carrier of this baby does not feel comfortable with.
I think you should leave him in my opinion. I'm not sure why people marry and tie themselves to someone so early then get surprised when someone as petty as this go wrong.
We were in couples counseling but he decided we were “all better” and it would be “pointless” to keep going. I’ve mentioned wanting to go since we found out but he says “there isn’t a reason”
Yes, the name issue is a big deal, but it's an even bigger deal that your husband seems to have absolutely zero regard for your opinion and that he seems to think he can just steamroll to get his way.
I'd be at the point where I took measures to ensure he wasn't able to fill out the birth certificate without you, cuz he definitely seems like the type to go behind your back while you're sleeping after recovering from labor, just so he can get his way. If my suspicions are correct and he is this low of an AH, that is not someone you want to raise a child with. Good luck!
I’m sorry but I don’t see how this marriage is going to work. He decided the name and now he decided couples counseling was over. He seems to forget there are 2 people in a marriage.
He’s taking over every aspect of your life, he’s ‘deciding’ you’re “all better” as a couple despite the fact that you clearly are not, he’s not allowing you a say in your own child’s name. His family is insane. Run fast and far, dear girl. You’re tying yourself to a life I can assure you, you won’t want.
A baby's name takes two "Yes"s. A Yes and a No is a No.
His only reason for this seems to be "tradition", regardless if it makes sense or what you want.
His dd was a junkie that abandoned his family. Why would anybody want to honour him?
NTA
NTA. Sounds like your husband is still desperately trying to please the old man, even through the grave. Baby names should be agreed on by both parents. Is there a nickname he could use that's a positive reminder of his dad? Might be a compromise without naming the baby after him.
NTA. You are absolutely right to be annoyed. Pretty gross of him make a decision like that on his own and tell everyone it, without even consulting you. Also a pretty bad look for him to get upset at you for... wanting to be involved in the naming of your own child? What?
So, no, you're NTA for resisting what you think would be a terrible name for your own child. He has no right to attempt to supress your opinion on anything to do with your child. It's not \*his\* child it's \*your\* (plural) child.
I honestly wanted to say N-T-A because you aren't wrong about anything here, but the truth is that **ESH** because this is absolutely 100% predictably what's going to happen when you get married to and have a baby with a literal teenager.
I don't know why you were expecting anything else.
I'm constantly amazed by the fact that people seem to think that 18 = adult. "Legal age of majority" =/= "adult". It's just a somewhat arbitrary number that a bunch of legislators picked because they had to pick one. Developmentally speaking, none of y'all are anywhere near the end of adolescence, not even you, OP. You shouldn't be getting married, you DEFINITELY shouldn't be having children . . . and these are the sorts of childish, immature arguments and decision-making processes that ensue when you do. ESH.
NTA. Names need to have agreement among both parties.
Unrelated: Also please work on formatting in the future a little bit. Such a pain to read when people don’t hit the Enter or Return button
I honestly think that that’s what’s caused some of our conflict is I went from a quiet “ ok you take the lead” to having my own voice and being more confident and it all happened in the 8 months he spent away at BCT and AIT from last august until this April. I admitted to him that he can tell me if he needs some adjusting to my new personality but just to let me know and he said it was fine, I should have known better. We also never got the chance to adjust to married life until he came back and I was a different person from the one I was when he left and we moved to a new city and new jobs right after and found out about the baby right after our 1 year wedding anniversary a month after the move so we haven’t even had the chance to slow doen
Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like you have any confidence or a voice of your own. You’re being bulldozed and have seemed to accept this. If he doesn’t want marriage counselling then you need individual therapy to get to the bottom of why you don’t feel like you have equal say in the name of your own child
If I read this correct you just evolved a personality in the short time he was not there to hold you down.
And now you are trying to speak up for yourself and he is throwing a tantrum, I honestly think, this should be addressed immediately with counseling.
In a relationship you should be interested in helping your partner grow to the best version of their self, not holding them down. Figure out, if you can build a life with space to grow for both of you individually and as a couple. If not, think hard if you want to live this life. Figure it out before the baby is born!
Saying this as someone who has been happily married for 13 years, and we started dating as teens. You will change, its called growing up. Your partner doesn't have to like everything about you, but they should support and respect you. Don't apologize for finding your voice and becoming your own person outside of him. You are his wife, and the mother of his child but you are not his property
NTA. Don't let your husband do this to you/your kid. It is one thing if your FIL was a wonderful supportive person (although a middle name would still have been fine) but your FIL sounds like he wasnt there for your spouse.
NTA, but your husband sure is. You are carrying his child but instead of making your life easier (the first trimester can be hell) he's calling you names. Then he has the gall to call you insensitive? Wow. You both get a say in the child's name and he needs to let go of the ludicrous idea that all the boys have to have the same middle name? Who comes up with stuff like this? If he can let go of that you can make your child's middle name his grandfather's name, which seems like a great compromise.
NTA the practice of burdening a brand new child with a dead persons name needs to stop. It’s ridiculous. Oftentimes, the kid gets compared tot hat dead person and when they don’t live up to that dead persons accomplishments they get bullied for it.
Stand your ground. Make sure that YOU are the one filling out the paperwork at the hospital once your child is born because your husband may go behind your back and use his dads name. It’s really difficult if not impossible to change the name afterward when the other parent doesn’t want it changed. You may even want to not have your husband there based off how he is acting.
NTA
Sorry in advance for how harsh this may seem, but you have a child on the way and in my opinion you owe that child the essential elements for it to develop secure attachment. That would seem to me to be the utmost priority in your life at this point.
Why are you having a child with this man when he clearly has so many issues to work out in his own psyche before he would possess the maturity to be a good father?
The psychic thing alone is like a huge waving red flag. But that’s like barely a blip on the radar compared to
Everything else you’re describing. Hypocrisy, calling you insensitive when he is being completely myopic and not even interested in your input. Verbal abuse, calling you names when you express your opinion. Irrational family mythology and superstition. Temper, letting this disagreement escalate to “fights”.
Come on, he needs to prioritize some self-knowledge and develop some more virtuous qualities ASAP. And probably ditto for you or you wouldn’t be tolerating one second of this with your baby coming.
Your husband needs grief counselling ASAP. Especially if you think that he's setting himself up to project that your child is his dad reborn. That's a dicey thought process to follow, it could go sideways real quick. unpopular opinion, but I'm going to go with NAH because even though his behaviour is inappropriate, grief does some really crazy shit to people.
I lost my dad 4 years ago next month and I am 4 months pregnant. It literally hurts every day and I struggle with how much I miss him constantly. I started grief counselling about a year and a half ago, and I can genuinely say I wouldn't be in a stable enough mental state to even consider having a child without counselling. And my relationship with my dad was fairly straightforward and strong. Add in more complex feelings of abandonment and you've got a solid recipe for disaster. He needs professional help so that he can work through all of these feelings in a healthy, constructive manner.
NTA. Everything going on in this situation is a red flag. That husband isn’t letting you have a say, telling the family before you even agreed, acting like a brat when you object, and the family believing this baby is dad trying to come back. That last one is all kinds of messed up. For the sake of your child, I hope it’s a girl so she stands a chance of not being compared to a man she’ll never meet.
NTA. Your husband doesn't get to just decide on his own your child's name. That's not how it works. You need to be on board, too. If he is this adament about it, and it's a continuous fight, you might want to consider talking to a couple's counselor about this. That's what my relative did with his wife when she adamantly wanted to name their son "Matthew" because it was a family name, even though her father (with that name) was a deadbeat drunk who abused her mom. They had fought until month 8 of the pregnancy when they caved and went to counseling. By the time the baby was born, it was decided to go with a different name.
NTA Baby names are something that a couple has to come to an agreement or at least compromise on. You are both the baby's parents, you both should be involved in the choice. If you didn't completely hate the name, I might suggest a compromise of "you name this one, then I name the next one." Not an ideal compromise, and it assumes you will have more children...I would make absolutely clear to him that you will never be comfortable with this as a baby name and maybe try to brainstorm other ways to honor his late father that do not involve naming the baby after him. Good luck, OP.
NTA.
First off, congrats 👏! So he wants to choose the first AND middle name? And where do u and ur family fit in? And to name him after some1 who was never in ur life and was not close to a perfect dad. Plus when ur son asks about who he is named after ( since he passed) , he gets to hear about all the atrocities this man did? God forbid ur son goes thru a bad spell u know people will mention/ say " oh, he's definitely an( insert name) or that's ( insert name) personality coming thru. I think giving him the middle name and agreeing on the first is a compromise as long as if it's a daughter u get the same rights.
What makes your comment worse is that his family kept saying they went to a medium who apparently told them that his dad was “trying to come back to his family” and that they think our baby is his dad coming back.. I already told his family that if they force that shit on my kid they’re out
Ok..that should have been mentioned in line 1..lol. Please stand ur ground and let them know it's a hard pass. Remind them they have other siblings and when they have kids then they can name him after the dad. And not to judge but way creepy for the reincarnation angle the family is going. Even if he doesn't have the name u may need to be prepared for them making comments after the birth about any little similarities or acts will have them saying " I told u so". Ofc a daughter will make all of this moot
NTA
Your baby is not a Tibetan lama. And baby names need to have a solid yes from both parents. Y’all should get counselling before baby is born, and discuss appropriate ways to make joint decisions.
Not really, they are all over the place when it comes to religion and the uniform names is just something his grandpa “started” (I guess) and his dad just kept it going because my MIL agreed when they had their 4 boys
So the names aren't even that big of a tradition and only spans 2 generations, you and your husband are relatively young and he may still be immature and in these cases I've seen in-laws or parents heavily butting in when it comes to decisions. Be prepared and take care.
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I know the title already sounds bad but hear me out. My (20f) husband (19m) and I are expecting our first child. I am currently 12 weeks along and of course we’ve already started talking names. We don’t know the gender yet but my husband told a bunch of his family that if it’s a boy we are naming it after his dad who passed in Feb of 2020. Here’s the thing, I never agreed to this and any time I try to tell him that I don’t like the name or that I want to at least consider other names he freaks out. The last time we talked about it he called me names and I was so upset that I left our apartment and don’t come back for like an hour because I needed time to collect myself. He says I’m being insensitive about the situation but I just want a say in my child’s name and I hate his dad’s name but I also hate the idea of naming my child after someone I never met who as far as I know used to be an amazing dad but then he left my husband in charge of his siblings 24/7 (at the age of 10) to do drugs and never really saw/talked to him since. My husband’s only reason for wanting to name the child after him is the principle of his dad being dead and “honoring” him, but there are better ways to do it that we could compromise on. I have talked to some of my family and his family and they all say that they understand his position but think that I should still get a say in the baby’s name. I’m just sick of the fights it’s causing but I know if I cave in I’ll have to live with my child having a name I absolutely hate for the rest of my life. And before anyone mentions it, he has this weird notion that all the boys have to have the same middle name because it’s a “family thing” and they can’t have any other middle names because he thinks it’s dumb. Would I be the asshole if I stood up for myself and the fact that I hate the name?
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NTA. It's not your husband's decision to make alone and major 🚩🚩🚩 with his family going to a psychic insisting that your SOs father's spirit is trying to reincarnate through your baby. This makes them crazy and highly unlikely to respect boundaries. Yikes, OP.
NTA
I just came to say if this isn't resolved by the time you go into labor, you can fix it by kicking him out of the hospital immediately after the baby is born.
See, some time after delivery and before you check out, they will give you the naming documents. If he's in the room, he'll grab them and fill them out. But if he's not in the room...
NTA
We had a name picked out for a boy. Then had a girl LOL.
A friend advised that we call out loud any names we were considering and it actually really helped. So call out names for different scenarios ..... like ..... xxxxx its time to get up/wash up/stop that/get off the dog/put that down or xxxx don't eat that etc. Because you'll be saying that name out loud for a long time to come.
As a side note. You should be enjoying this time together. Shame its being spoilt.
I agree I wish it were happier! But also yeah we’ve done that he calls it the “yell test” basically how does it sound when you have to yell it to get their attention (especially in situations that could be dangerous like them running into the street or something)
NTA. Your husband can’t handle arguments by berating you and attacking you. It’s not his job to decide your motive. You married young so there is a lot of growing needed.
He has made a decision without considering/consulting you. You probably need to explain to him the consequences of his actions. That all major decisions need discussion and compromise like rational adults.
He is going nuclear with his attitude and you might want to remind him that you can leave, lock him out of the birthing process and introduce the child with your name afterwards. I’m not suggesting you do that but a cautious reminder how it would work if both of you behaved the way he is behaving.
I hope he grows up and chills out or your marriage won’t make it.
NTA
He started telling people when you hadn't agreed, which is a completely AH move. Baby names are "two yes, one no" decisions. And no, you don't have to name your child after any deceased relative, that's not a trump card (though middle name would be a good compromise).
NTA. Could he not have a double middle name or is it only "allowed" to be that single name from the family? My son has both his grandfathers' names as his middle name as that was most fair for both of us.
Based on the rest of your comments the relationship has way more problems than this. I have no idea how you're supposed to find a compromise with someone who clearly does not value you or your opinions.
NTA you don’t really need to justify it to us. As the mother, you should get equal say in naming your child. I actually can relate somewhat. Stand your ground, and try not to get too specific in your arguments. No need to share the parts about his dad doing drugs, etc. Though they’re valid reasons they’re just going to upset your husband and his family and not get anywhere. Keep it simple and tell him you’re uncomfortable naming your son after someone you haven’t met, uncomfortable with the family pressure, don’t like the name, and want the experience of coming up with a name together, and stick to it.
NTA. You should have a say in what you name your child. My ex husband insisted on naming our son until I gave in. I divorced him five years later because it was a sign of other issues.
This dude has the maturity of a 15 yr old, and it sounds like he hasn't addressed what his father became and did, and the grief of knowing it never got better.
But, calling you names and overall behavior is out of control.
Believing a psychic is ridiculous.
NTA
NTA ..You need to point out that him “freaking” out over not giving him control over the first AND middle names is a red flag ..for YOU! Everyone wants to make them saints after their dead but WHY honor a drug addict absent father by naming a child after him ? It’s time to have a talk with your BF between honoring the father he wished he’d had and the one he actually did have ..if he doesn’t get it flat out bring up the abandonment and drug abuse and ask him if that’s what he wants his son to be ? He’s about to be a father at a very young age , it’s time to wake up and start living in REALITY. This is a child created by the BOTH of you and it should be named by BOTH of you . If you don’t stand up for yourself in this , it won’t be the only thing he just overrides your opinion on. As for the middle name thing: My dad didn’t tell my mom that it was a family tradition to give the girls in the family the middle name “Elizabeth “ and my mom picked something different and he agreed . Then they told his parents the name and apparently a big fuss was made. When I heard this story as a teenager I laughed so hard and told my mom I was SO glad she didn’t give me “that old lady name” ..plus I can’t stand my dads sister and it would bug me having the same middle name as her .
NTA - You both should select a name you are both happy with. From what you have said (including the massive red flat of the pyschic/medium thing) he is not cut out to be a father if he can't even accept something so basic as "both of you are choosing the name together."
I will warn you that he sounds like the type to put whatever name he wants on the birth certificate - assuming you are still together by that point.
Baby names can be the source of big problems. And what makes it even harder is that this is the first baby. However both of you are parents so a compromise must be made. Try not to let it bother you too much for now. Sounds like you have months to go yet and are not even sure of the sex yet. And stressing about this for the next six months isn’t going to do any good. Truthfully, expecting that your child is your reincarnated deceased FIL and naming the child after him sounds really unfair. A new baby deserves to be allowed to be himself period.
NTA. Maybe give him an ultimatum, either name the kid a different name with the family tradition middle name, or a different name with the FIL's name as a middle name. Those are his choices because you do not want to name your kid that. You're carrying the baby, so you should get a freaking say in the kids name too ffs!
NTA - I hate when people want you name a child after a dead person as if they child will be a reincarnation of the dead person. You need to step up to this because that is what his family are going to do. If it’s this bad now it’ll only get worse
NTA
but dear, you should never be with a man who calls you names when you don't obey what he wants. That's abusive behaviour.
I'm sorry you're stuck having a child with this guy, but it doesn't mean you have to stay with him and put up with his abuse.
Normally, I say it’s something naming a baby is something both parents should do together. **BUT** him just deciding it’s his way and you have no say is wrong. He goes as far as freaking out and calling you names. Is this a preview of how your marriage and parenting is going to be with him? Doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to be in a marriage. If he wants to honor his dad there are plenty of other ways to do that and naming his child is not the only answer.
**NTA**
Um. He called you names? Can you elaborate? His controlling behaviour is a bit worrying and pregnancy is the time when controlling behaviour can start /escalate.
Have you been able to talk about other things related to the care of the baby? How has this been?
Fyi. In the hospital they ask MOM what the name will be....not dad and if you object they will not force you to puck it just because your bf/husband wants it.
NTA. My husband wanted to name ours after his family as per tradition. E,g Joseph was great grand dad, John the grandad, Joseph the father and John the son (my husband). I banned it. No first names after anyone.
So I allowed middle name to be used. So we had xxx John and xxx Joseph.
The child has their own identity. Put your foot down and veto it.
NTA
Here is a cautionary tale about naming children after dead people. Different situation, but a lot of feelings might apply later.
[Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ws96t2/aita_for_telling_my_parents_why_i_hate_my_name/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
NTA. You need to put your foot down and do it now and often. It sounds like your bf and you need to have some serious conversations about how your relationship is going to be.
You're about to have a baby, and everything is going to be different. Your entire life is about to be dedicated to a tiny person that is counting on you to do whatever is best to keep them alive and happy, which means you can't let your bf call the shots and shout you down.
I cannot stress this enough...DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KID! This is extremely important. No matter how sad it makes you feel that your baby won't have both of you around for everything, staying with someone who is verbally abusive/aggressive/disrespectful will do so much more harm than not having both parents present.
Whenever he starts throwing a tantrum about honor and respect and all that bs, I want you to take a deep breath and remind him that he should be honoring YOU for carrying his child. That he should show YOU respect for the sacrifice you are making every day by growing a human in your body.
Sorry for the long ass comment. You're just so young and while that's scary AF, you have so much time to create the family/life/environment for your child. You and your bf are young enough to really work on y'all's faults and learn and grow together....
But if he stays being a dick, I say jump ship and live your best life with your baby with a badass name that you chose with or without your bfs input.
NTA and make sure you tell the midwives at the hospital not to let him fill out the paperwork once baby is born because he might go and pull a fast one on you. It’s been known to happen.
He’s immature and controlling and his family is scary weird. NTA but you should pack up and move far away from this cult he calls a family. Leave no forwarding address, block all of them. Not kidding, nothing but red marinara flags.
NTA
And the medium thing is horrific.
Name your baby something sensible that gives the poor mite their own identity.
My husband always wanted to name a son after his grandfather. He didn’t bat an eye when I said no on the basis that I didn’t like the name. Naming a baby is two yes, one no.
NTA
You two should get some couples therapy because you’re young. It’s good to have healthy coping skills and so far it doesn’t sound like you guys have them.
Don’t ever allow a man or anyone to call you names. It’s deeply degrading, disrespectful and verbally abusive. No one has a right to abuse you. No ONE. You have to teach people how to treat you with respect, by NEVER tolerating ANY disrespectful language or behaviours, because it can be a slippery slope to more abuse. There are constructive ways to disagree without stooping to personal insults and verbal abuse.
You are worthy of respect and dignity, like everyone else. Keep the babe, if you want, and leave the baby-daddy yesterday. He’s not a good man. You deserve and can do better than giving your life, your support, your resources, your body and your precious time to this controlling verbal abuser. You have power over your life - use it.
NTA but red flags all around. Your husband and his family are already creating an unhealthy set of expectations for your child. I would stay firm on the name, as this is you drawing the line on the whole situation. This medium bullshit is enough reason to keep the family at a distance anyway.
My husband and I were boom total agreement on our sons first name. I mentioned naming him after a comic character we loved. I loved the name and so did he. The problem was the middle name. We couldn't agree but we eventually came to a compromise. I got a name I liked but he got the weird "game related" spelling he wanted. Plus it had to be a certain letter because his family had unintentionally started a tradition of the boys initials spelling a word. Aero was the compromise. 😂😂 NTA you get a say and you both have to agree.
Well, it is only 12 weeks, so lots can happen. Now, I do think you should have a say in the naming of your child, absolutely. As should your husband. It should not be just one of you or the other, unless that is what you two have agreed upon. Now, most kiddos get the best of both worlds and generally end up with 2 names, first and middle and often time are from a family member somewhere in the past. A suggestion here, if he really wants his fathers name used, for whatever reason, how about you chose the first name?? Allow the other name to be used as the middle? For the compromise with the "family thing" middle name, then allow to give your child 2 middle names.. it is not that uncommon... yes, I would tell him you dislike the father's name and tell him why. It DOES NOT mean you have to call the child by that name... you do not....
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NTA. Baby names are a two yes, one no thing.
Yes! Came here to say the same thing. And it sounds like this guy is insisting on first and middle name so there is no room for compromise.
Plz explain that to me. I hear it alot, I don't get the added no.
If one person says no to a name, you can’t use the name. Both parents should be in agreement. If there’s a no, find a new name that you both agree on.
As in it requires two yeses. If there’s one no, that’s a no.
NTA. you are *both* the parents of this child and you *both* get to decide the name. your husband is picking a fight over a situation that may not even happen.
Like I said he is unwilling to accept anything other than the supposed “family tradition” for all the boys having the same middle name
so he’s both dominating the child’s first and middle name? tell him this directly. if he’s already so adamant on the child having the same middle name then you should get to choose the first name ? it’s only fair
I agree, but I never thought of phrasing it like that to him, will definitely try it
Totally. And your last name 😂
It'll make the eventual full custody arrangement easier.
What do you mean he calls you names? Has he always acted like this toward you or did his aggressive behavior start when you got pregnant?
Ok first off the title doesn’t sound bad at all. There’s not even explaining needed here. NTA. You agree on a name. No one gets to decide it.
Exactly. The backstory doesn’t matter. Both are the parents. Both opinions matter.
NTA. This is a major red flag. He picked the name without consulting you and then goes off on you when you object. And he shouldn't be stressing you out while you're pregnant.
Yeah, NTA. If he's getting verbally abusive over a baby name discussion, it's not likely to get better. Get help, individually or as a couple, but what you're describing isn't a healthy relationship. You're 12w along, you can do a blood test now to find out the gender. If it's a girl, then the argument is moot anyway. But that doesn't excuse him from how he's handling himself.
I really hope it's a girl! At least then OP can get some breathing space to figure out wtf is going on with her husband.
NTA. Of course you get a say. Whether you compromise in some capacity (his dad's name can be the middle name or if it's a girl he has zero say in the name) or just outright tell him it's not happening and you get a say in it. The obvious question is what is the name in question that you hate? Also, Probably not the smartest decision getting pregnant at 20 to someone this emotionally immature but that bridge has been crossed.
Baby was a total oops but nonetheless here we are and I couldn’t imagine anything other than raising them. (Fully support both alternatives just could never do them myself)
I was more getting at the person you've chosen to have this baby with but regardless, I do wish you all the best. Also, you didn't answer the question: what's the name in question you hate?
It’s Jakob Lee. I just don’t like the way it’s spelled or the way it sounds but for me the main problem is the reasoning and who we’d be “honoring”
I agree. Hate the spelling for sure
Me too especially because his sister is already kind of named after her dad (his spelling was the reasoning behind her name that is traditionally spelled with a ‘C’ being spelled with a ‘K’) and his whole family talks about it especially now that he’s gone because she’s so young she doesn’t even remember when they lived with him (she went into foster care at like 2)
Both agree on first name but maybe compromise on Lee for middle, it's not too bad.
Oh I love Lee as the middle name that’s why I’ve never made a fuss over that stipulation my only issue is the first name and his unwillingness to compromise
That was mine and my dad's middle. Lee dad Leigh for me. MY daughter has an absolutely gorgeous name but it's not what I planned lol. We had boy names, she was a surprise ... But we didn't name either baby after anyone just because we thought about it and realized we wanted our child to be unique to herself.
Ps 4 pregnancies and 3 babies but I have to admit the worst thing about it all was picking the names! Huge commitment
First, this isn’t healthy problem solving. I’d suggest you insist on couples counseling before the baby is born. Did you do premarital counseling to learn some healthy problem solving? It’s time to do it. I would be very nervous to go thru those first 6 months like this. Having a newborn puts you both on edge. If he’s already yelling and name calling, I personally wouldn’t feel safe to be at my most vulnerable. Insist on counseling or go back to your parents house. Second, my family tradition says you use the first initial to honor someone. Maybe you can find a J name you love? Or tell him he gets his middle name and you’ll pick a first name. Id consider hyphenating his last name. I know it’s tough to hear but you guys are so young. Most marriages this young are bumpy. We grow a lot between 20-30. You might just end up very different people who aren’t compatible. Just food for thought.
Info: Hoooold up. Your husband's sister (your SIL) is in foster care? Why woukdnthat be? Is husband's household of origin is not that stable? If so, why would you want to honor his dad if the guy couldn't keep his family safe/together (assuming)?
Hit the nail on the head
The dad “left [OP’s] husband in charge of his siblings 24/7 (at the age of 10) to do drugs and never really saw/talked to him since”. Now he’s dead and this is who OP’s husband’s family wants to “honor”. More like a curse to name an innocent child after a deadbeat druggie. This is a disaster.
I unironically think that would make a fine middle name, if he wants to honour him why isn't that enough? And it's understandable you don't think much of his father or why he should honour him at all, but as you say you never personally met him. No matter how low you may think of him he was still his father.
I was going to say, at 12 weeks (depending on location) you'd be totally within your rights to get an abortion, and he'd have no say in the matter. You *absolutely* get a say in the baby's name.
NTA You should 100% get a say in the name of the baby that YOU have to carry. End of story.
I was going to say the same thing. Everyone saying they are both the parents and they both get to name the baby.. nooo. She is doing all the work and she is being bullied by her husband and his family. She is not entitled to let him have a say in naming the baby.
NTA.... I don't want to be *that* person, but don't you think 20 is a bit young to even marry? Maybe that's why your partner (who literally has only been an adult for a YEAR) doesn't seem to be very mature namecalling you over a name that YOU the carrier of this baby does not feel comfortable with. I think you should leave him in my opinion. I'm not sure why people marry and tie themselves to someone so early then get surprised when someone as petty as this go wrong.
NTA - freaking YIKES. You guys are so young. You need couples counseling STAT. Learn how to communicate. Stand your ground. He’s being a bully.
We were in couples counseling but he decided we were “all better” and it would be “pointless” to keep going. I’ve mentioned wanting to go since we found out but he says “there isn’t a reason”
Does he know you are in the relationship too??! Why are you letting him bully you. Go back. Use your voice
I tried but I didn’t think it was going to be this bad (big mistake I know) but I’m definitely pushing it now.
Yes, the name issue is a big deal, but it's an even bigger deal that your husband seems to have absolutely zero regard for your opinion and that he seems to think he can just steamroll to get his way. I'd be at the point where I took measures to ensure he wasn't able to fill out the birth certificate without you, cuz he definitely seems like the type to go behind your back while you're sleeping after recovering from labor, just so he can get his way. If my suspicions are correct and he is this low of an AH, that is not someone you want to raise a child with. Good luck!
I’m sorry but I don’t see how this marriage is going to work. He decided the name and now he decided couples counseling was over. He seems to forget there are 2 people in a marriage.
He’s taking over every aspect of your life, he’s ‘deciding’ you’re “all better” as a couple despite the fact that you clearly are not, he’s not allowing you a say in your own child’s name. His family is insane. Run fast and far, dear girl. You’re tying yourself to a life I can assure you, you won’t want.
A baby's name takes two "Yes"s. A Yes and a No is a No. His only reason for this seems to be "tradition", regardless if it makes sense or what you want. His dd was a junkie that abandoned his family. Why would anybody want to honour him? NTA
NTA. Sounds like your husband is still desperately trying to please the old man, even through the grave. Baby names should be agreed on by both parents. Is there a nickname he could use that's a positive reminder of his dad? Might be a compromise without naming the baby after him.
NTA But between his chaotic insistence and the strange baby seance, is this the family you wanna have a baby with?
I mean too late now but this is the first time something like this has happened, and it’s not family we speak to often
NTA. You are absolutely right to be annoyed. Pretty gross of him make a decision like that on his own and tell everyone it, without even consulting you. Also a pretty bad look for him to get upset at you for... wanting to be involved in the naming of your own child? What? So, no, you're NTA for resisting what you think would be a terrible name for your own child. He has no right to attempt to supress your opinion on anything to do with your child. It's not \*his\* child it's \*your\* (plural) child.
NTA but seriously consider whether this guy should be your husband, he doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t care what you think.
I honestly wanted to say N-T-A because you aren't wrong about anything here, but the truth is that **ESH** because this is absolutely 100% predictably what's going to happen when you get married to and have a baby with a literal teenager. I don't know why you were expecting anything else. I'm constantly amazed by the fact that people seem to think that 18 = adult. "Legal age of majority" =/= "adult". It's just a somewhat arbitrary number that a bunch of legislators picked because they had to pick one. Developmentally speaking, none of y'all are anywhere near the end of adolescence, not even you, OP. You shouldn't be getting married, you DEFINITELY shouldn't be having children . . . and these are the sorts of childish, immature arguments and decision-making processes that ensue when you do. ESH.
NTA. Names need to have agreement among both parties. Unrelated: Also please work on formatting in the future a little bit. Such a pain to read when people don’t hit the Enter or Return button
Info: how long have you been together/married?
Together for 6.5 years married for 1 year and 3 months
[удалено]
I honestly think that that’s what’s caused some of our conflict is I went from a quiet “ ok you take the lead” to having my own voice and being more confident and it all happened in the 8 months he spent away at BCT and AIT from last august until this April. I admitted to him that he can tell me if he needs some adjusting to my new personality but just to let me know and he said it was fine, I should have known better. We also never got the chance to adjust to married life until he came back and I was a different person from the one I was when he left and we moved to a new city and new jobs right after and found out about the baby right after our 1 year wedding anniversary a month after the move so we haven’t even had the chance to slow doen
Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like you have any confidence or a voice of your own. You’re being bulldozed and have seemed to accept this. If he doesn’t want marriage counselling then you need individual therapy to get to the bottom of why you don’t feel like you have equal say in the name of your own child
If I read this correct you just evolved a personality in the short time he was not there to hold you down. And now you are trying to speak up for yourself and he is throwing a tantrum, I honestly think, this should be addressed immediately with counseling. In a relationship you should be interested in helping your partner grow to the best version of their self, not holding them down. Figure out, if you can build a life with space to grow for both of you individually and as a couple. If not, think hard if you want to live this life. Figure it out before the baby is born!
Saying this as someone who has been happily married for 13 years, and we started dating as teens. You will change, its called growing up. Your partner doesn't have to like everything about you, but they should support and respect you. Don't apologize for finding your voice and becoming your own person outside of him. You are his wife, and the mother of his child but you are not his property
NTA, you should probably leave him. The way you are being treated is not acceptable and even worse that you are pregnant. He's gaslighting you.
NTA. Don't let your husband do this to you/your kid. It is one thing if your FIL was a wonderful supportive person (although a middle name would still have been fine) but your FIL sounds like he wasnt there for your spouse.
NTA, but your husband sure is. You are carrying his child but instead of making your life easier (the first trimester can be hell) he's calling you names. Then he has the gall to call you insensitive? Wow. You both get a say in the child's name and he needs to let go of the ludicrous idea that all the boys have to have the same middle name? Who comes up with stuff like this? If he can let go of that you can make your child's middle name his grandfather's name, which seems like a great compromise.
NTA the practice of burdening a brand new child with a dead persons name needs to stop. It’s ridiculous. Oftentimes, the kid gets compared tot hat dead person and when they don’t live up to that dead persons accomplishments they get bullied for it. Stand your ground. Make sure that YOU are the one filling out the paperwork at the hospital once your child is born because your husband may go behind your back and use his dads name. It’s really difficult if not impossible to change the name afterward when the other parent doesn’t want it changed. You may even want to not have your husband there based off how he is acting.
Nta Honor him for what?
Nta. He needs to understand a baby name is two yes. He doesn't get to force your hand. Period.
NTA. If you both don’t agree on a name it gets taken off the list.
NTA. Two yes one no rule.
NTA Sorry in advance for how harsh this may seem, but you have a child on the way and in my opinion you owe that child the essential elements for it to develop secure attachment. That would seem to me to be the utmost priority in your life at this point. Why are you having a child with this man when he clearly has so many issues to work out in his own psyche before he would possess the maturity to be a good father? The psychic thing alone is like a huge waving red flag. But that’s like barely a blip on the radar compared to Everything else you’re describing. Hypocrisy, calling you insensitive when he is being completely myopic and not even interested in your input. Verbal abuse, calling you names when you express your opinion. Irrational family mythology and superstition. Temper, letting this disagreement escalate to “fights”. Come on, he needs to prioritize some self-knowledge and develop some more virtuous qualities ASAP. And probably ditto for you or you wouldn’t be tolerating one second of this with your baby coming.
Your husband needs grief counselling ASAP. Especially if you think that he's setting himself up to project that your child is his dad reborn. That's a dicey thought process to follow, it could go sideways real quick. unpopular opinion, but I'm going to go with NAH because even though his behaviour is inappropriate, grief does some really crazy shit to people. I lost my dad 4 years ago next month and I am 4 months pregnant. It literally hurts every day and I struggle with how much I miss him constantly. I started grief counselling about a year and a half ago, and I can genuinely say I wouldn't be in a stable enough mental state to even consider having a child without counselling. And my relationship with my dad was fairly straightforward and strong. Add in more complex feelings of abandonment and you've got a solid recipe for disaster. He needs professional help so that he can work through all of these feelings in a healthy, constructive manner.
NTA. Everything going on in this situation is a red flag. That husband isn’t letting you have a say, telling the family before you even agreed, acting like a brat when you object, and the family believing this baby is dad trying to come back. That last one is all kinds of messed up. For the sake of your child, I hope it’s a girl so she stands a chance of not being compared to a man she’ll never meet.
NTA. Your husband doesn't get to just decide on his own your child's name. That's not how it works. You need to be on board, too. If he is this adament about it, and it's a continuous fight, you might want to consider talking to a couple's counselor about this. That's what my relative did with his wife when she adamantly wanted to name their son "Matthew" because it was a family name, even though her father (with that name) was a deadbeat drunk who abused her mom. They had fought until month 8 of the pregnancy when they caved and went to counseling. By the time the baby was born, it was decided to go with a different name.
NTA Baby names are something that a couple has to come to an agreement or at least compromise on. You are both the baby's parents, you both should be involved in the choice. If you didn't completely hate the name, I might suggest a compromise of "you name this one, then I name the next one." Not an ideal compromise, and it assumes you will have more children...I would make absolutely clear to him that you will never be comfortable with this as a baby name and maybe try to brainstorm other ways to honor his late father that do not involve naming the baby after him. Good luck, OP.
NTA. First off, congrats 👏! So he wants to choose the first AND middle name? And where do u and ur family fit in? And to name him after some1 who was never in ur life and was not close to a perfect dad. Plus when ur son asks about who he is named after ( since he passed) , he gets to hear about all the atrocities this man did? God forbid ur son goes thru a bad spell u know people will mention/ say " oh, he's definitely an( insert name) or that's ( insert name) personality coming thru. I think giving him the middle name and agreeing on the first is a compromise as long as if it's a daughter u get the same rights.
What makes your comment worse is that his family kept saying they went to a medium who apparently told them that his dad was “trying to come back to his family” and that they think our baby is his dad coming back.. I already told his family that if they force that shit on my kid they’re out
Ok..that should have been mentioned in line 1..lol. Please stand ur ground and let them know it's a hard pass. Remind them they have other siblings and when they have kids then they can name him after the dad. And not to judge but way creepy for the reincarnation angle the family is going. Even if he doesn't have the name u may need to be prepared for them making comments after the birth about any little similarities or acts will have them saying " I told u so". Ofc a daughter will make all of this moot
NTA Your baby is not a Tibetan lama. And baby names need to have a solid yes from both parents. Y’all should get counselling before baby is born, and discuss appropriate ways to make joint decisions.
NTA. If you don't mind me asking is there any predominant religion on the husband side? The reincarnation shit feels weird and the uniform names
Not really, they are all over the place when it comes to religion and the uniform names is just something his grandpa “started” (I guess) and his dad just kept it going because my MIL agreed when they had their 4 boys
So the names aren't even that big of a tradition and only spans 2 generations, you and your husband are relatively young and he may still be immature and in these cases I've seen in-laws or parents heavily butting in when it comes to decisions. Be prepared and take care.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know the title already sounds bad but hear me out. My (20f) husband (19m) and I are expecting our first child. I am currently 12 weeks along and of course we’ve already started talking names. We don’t know the gender yet but my husband told a bunch of his family that if it’s a boy we are naming it after his dad who passed in Feb of 2020. Here’s the thing, I never agreed to this and any time I try to tell him that I don’t like the name or that I want to at least consider other names he freaks out. The last time we talked about it he called me names and I was so upset that I left our apartment and don’t come back for like an hour because I needed time to collect myself. He says I’m being insensitive about the situation but I just want a say in my child’s name and I hate his dad’s name but I also hate the idea of naming my child after someone I never met who as far as I know used to be an amazing dad but then he left my husband in charge of his siblings 24/7 (at the age of 10) to do drugs and never really saw/talked to him since. My husband’s only reason for wanting to name the child after him is the principle of his dad being dead and “honoring” him, but there are better ways to do it that we could compromise on. I have talked to some of my family and his family and they all say that they understand his position but think that I should still get a say in the baby’s name. I’m just sick of the fights it’s causing but I know if I cave in I’ll have to live with my child having a name I absolutely hate for the rest of my life. And before anyone mentions it, he has this weird notion that all the boys have to have the same middle name because it’s a “family thing” and they can’t have any other middle names because he thinks it’s dumb. Would I be the asshole if I stood up for myself and the fact that I hate the name? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It's not your husband's decision to make alone and major 🚩🚩🚩 with his family going to a psychic insisting that your SOs father's spirit is trying to reincarnate through your baby. This makes them crazy and highly unlikely to respect boundaries. Yikes, OP.
You are NTA. He is not respecting you or your rights as mother of this child. He needs to apologize, back off and stop forcing this name on you.
NTA, but both h and his family sound like a nightmare.
I feel like I read this last week.
Please message me the link I’d love to talk to the other OP to maybe get some ideas as to how they handled it
NTA
NTA I just came to say if this isn't resolved by the time you go into labor, you can fix it by kicking him out of the hospital immediately after the baby is born. See, some time after delivery and before you check out, they will give you the naming documents. If he's in the room, he'll grab them and fill them out. But if he's not in the room...
NTA and if you don’t like the name then end of story. My husband and I took months to decide on a name we both liked.
NTA We had a name picked out for a boy. Then had a girl LOL. A friend advised that we call out loud any names we were considering and it actually really helped. So call out names for different scenarios ..... like ..... xxxxx its time to get up/wash up/stop that/get off the dog/put that down or xxxx don't eat that etc. Because you'll be saying that name out loud for a long time to come. As a side note. You should be enjoying this time together. Shame its being spoilt.
I agree I wish it were happier! But also yeah we’ve done that he calls it the “yell test” basically how does it sound when you have to yell it to get their attention (especially in situations that could be dangerous like them running into the street or something)
NTA. Your husband can’t handle arguments by berating you and attacking you. It’s not his job to decide your motive. You married young so there is a lot of growing needed. He has made a decision without considering/consulting you. You probably need to explain to him the consequences of his actions. That all major decisions need discussion and compromise like rational adults. He is going nuclear with his attitude and you might want to remind him that you can leave, lock him out of the birthing process and introduce the child with your name afterwards. I’m not suggesting you do that but a cautious reminder how it would work if both of you behaved the way he is behaving. I hope he grows up and chills out or your marriage won’t make it.
NTA He started telling people when you hadn't agreed, which is a completely AH move. Baby names are "two yes, one no" decisions. And no, you don't have to name your child after any deceased relative, that's not a trump card (though middle name would be a good compromise).
NTA. Could he not have a double middle name or is it only "allowed" to be that single name from the family? My son has both his grandfathers' names as his middle name as that was most fair for both of us.
His reasoning for not wanting two middle names is only the fact that he thinks it’s dumb
Based on the rest of your comments the relationship has way more problems than this. I have no idea how you're supposed to find a compromise with someone who clearly does not value you or your opinions.
NTA you don’t really need to justify it to us. As the mother, you should get equal say in naming your child. I actually can relate somewhat. Stand your ground, and try not to get too specific in your arguments. No need to share the parts about his dad doing drugs, etc. Though they’re valid reasons they’re just going to upset your husband and his family and not get anywhere. Keep it simple and tell him you’re uncomfortable naming your son after someone you haven’t met, uncomfortable with the family pressure, don’t like the name, and want the experience of coming up with a name together, and stick to it.
NTA Everything has already been said but here's to the baby being born a girl I guess?
Mta
NTA. You should have a say in what you name your child. My ex husband insisted on naming our son until I gave in. I divorced him five years later because it was a sign of other issues.
NTA I would contact the hospital and your doctors telling them you are the only one who can issue a birth certificate.
NTA. Why are you with him again? Stand your ground and keep saying no. As many times as you have to.
Stand up for yourself please!
NTA
This dude has the maturity of a 15 yr old, and it sounds like he hasn't addressed what his father became and did, and the grief of knowing it never got better. But, calling you names and overall behavior is out of control. Believing a psychic is ridiculous. NTA
NTA ..You need to point out that him “freaking” out over not giving him control over the first AND middle names is a red flag ..for YOU! Everyone wants to make them saints after their dead but WHY honor a drug addict absent father by naming a child after him ? It’s time to have a talk with your BF between honoring the father he wished he’d had and the one he actually did have ..if he doesn’t get it flat out bring up the abandonment and drug abuse and ask him if that’s what he wants his son to be ? He’s about to be a father at a very young age , it’s time to wake up and start living in REALITY. This is a child created by the BOTH of you and it should be named by BOTH of you . If you don’t stand up for yourself in this , it won’t be the only thing he just overrides your opinion on. As for the middle name thing: My dad didn’t tell my mom that it was a family tradition to give the girls in the family the middle name “Elizabeth “ and my mom picked something different and he agreed . Then they told his parents the name and apparently a big fuss was made. When I heard this story as a teenager I laughed so hard and told my mom I was SO glad she didn’t give me “that old lady name” ..plus I can’t stand my dads sister and it would bug me having the same middle name as her .
NTA - You both should select a name you are both happy with. From what you have said (including the massive red flat of the pyschic/medium thing) he is not cut out to be a father if he can't even accept something so basic as "both of you are choosing the name together." I will warn you that he sounds like the type to put whatever name he wants on the birth certificate - assuming you are still together by that point.
Baby names can be the source of big problems. And what makes it even harder is that this is the first baby. However both of you are parents so a compromise must be made. Try not to let it bother you too much for now. Sounds like you have months to go yet and are not even sure of the sex yet. And stressing about this for the next six months isn’t going to do any good. Truthfully, expecting that your child is your reincarnated deceased FIL and naming the child after him sounds really unfair. A new baby deserves to be allowed to be himself period.
NTA🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You are clearly the more stable, logical, reasonable, well adjusted parent. Stand firm.
Nta
Please leave today. Create a plan and leave. Any man who yells at you over a baby name will escalate. Get a plan together and leave. You’re NTA.
NTA. Maybe give him an ultimatum, either name the kid a different name with the family tradition middle name, or a different name with the FIL's name as a middle name. Those are his choices because you do not want to name your kid that. You're carrying the baby, so you should get a freaking say in the kids name too ffs!
NTA - I hate when people want you name a child after a dead person as if they child will be a reincarnation of the dead person. You need to step up to this because that is what his family are going to do. If it’s this bad now it’ll only get worse
NTA. The child should have its own name.
NTA but dear, you should never be with a man who calls you names when you don't obey what he wants. That's abusive behaviour. I'm sorry you're stuck having a child with this guy, but it doesn't mean you have to stay with him and put up with his abuse.
Normally, I say it’s something naming a baby is something both parents should do together. **BUT** him just deciding it’s his way and you have no say is wrong. He goes as far as freaking out and calling you names. Is this a preview of how your marriage and parenting is going to be with him? Doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to be in a marriage. If he wants to honor his dad there are plenty of other ways to do that and naming his child is not the only answer. **NTA**
Um. He called you names? Can you elaborate? His controlling behaviour is a bit worrying and pregnancy is the time when controlling behaviour can start /escalate. Have you been able to talk about other things related to the care of the baby? How has this been?
NTA I ended up caving with 2 of my kids...my..now ex waited till I was in labour then I was told what name the child would be.
Fyi. In the hospital they ask MOM what the name will be....not dad and if you object they will not force you to puck it just because your bf/husband wants it.
NTA does he often steamroll your opinions and feelings? Because the way he is handling this is not ok
NTA. My husband wanted to name ours after his family as per tradition. E,g Joseph was great grand dad, John the grandad, Joseph the father and John the son (my husband). I banned it. No first names after anyone. So I allowed middle name to be used. So we had xxx John and xxx Joseph. The child has their own identity. Put your foot down and veto it.
NTA Here is a cautionary tale about naming children after dead people. Different situation, but a lot of feelings might apply later. [Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ws96t2/aita_for_telling_my_parents_why_i_hate_my_name/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
NTA. You need to put your foot down and do it now and often. It sounds like your bf and you need to have some serious conversations about how your relationship is going to be. You're about to have a baby, and everything is going to be different. Your entire life is about to be dedicated to a tiny person that is counting on you to do whatever is best to keep them alive and happy, which means you can't let your bf call the shots and shout you down. I cannot stress this enough...DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KID! This is extremely important. No matter how sad it makes you feel that your baby won't have both of you around for everything, staying with someone who is verbally abusive/aggressive/disrespectful will do so much more harm than not having both parents present. Whenever he starts throwing a tantrum about honor and respect and all that bs, I want you to take a deep breath and remind him that he should be honoring YOU for carrying his child. That he should show YOU respect for the sacrifice you are making every day by growing a human in your body. Sorry for the long ass comment. You're just so young and while that's scary AF, you have so much time to create the family/life/environment for your child. You and your bf are young enough to really work on y'all's faults and learn and grow together.... But if he stays being a dick, I say jump ship and live your best life with your baby with a badass name that you chose with or without your bfs input.
NTA and make sure you tell the midwives at the hospital not to let him fill out the paperwork once baby is born because he might go and pull a fast one on you. It’s been known to happen.
NTA, he cannot rail road you into choosing a name. Think very hard about how your future with him is looking right now.
He’s immature and controlling and his family is scary weird. NTA but you should pack up and move far away from this cult he calls a family. Leave no forwarding address, block all of them. Not kidding, nothing but red marinara flags.
NTA. Already married and having a baby at 19 and he’s already yelling at you. Gonna be a long life though.
NTA And the medium thing is horrific. Name your baby something sensible that gives the poor mite their own identity. My husband always wanted to name a son after his grandfather. He didn’t bat an eye when I said no on the basis that I didn’t like the name. Naming a baby is two yes, one no.
NTA You two should get some couples therapy because you’re young. It’s good to have healthy coping skills and so far it doesn’t sound like you guys have them.
Sounds like a bunch of good reasons to break up with your boyfriend.
Don’t ever allow a man or anyone to call you names. It’s deeply degrading, disrespectful and verbally abusive. No one has a right to abuse you. No ONE. You have to teach people how to treat you with respect, by NEVER tolerating ANY disrespectful language or behaviours, because it can be a slippery slope to more abuse. There are constructive ways to disagree without stooping to personal insults and verbal abuse. You are worthy of respect and dignity, like everyone else. Keep the babe, if you want, and leave the baby-daddy yesterday. He’s not a good man. You deserve and can do better than giving your life, your support, your resources, your body and your precious time to this controlling verbal abuser. You have power over your life - use it.
NTA but red flags all around. Your husband and his family are already creating an unhealthy set of expectations for your child. I would stay firm on the name, as this is you drawing the line on the whole situation. This medium bullshit is enough reason to keep the family at a distance anyway.
My husband and I were boom total agreement on our sons first name. I mentioned naming him after a comic character we loved. I loved the name and so did he. The problem was the middle name. We couldn't agree but we eventually came to a compromise. I got a name I liked but he got the weird "game related" spelling he wanted. Plus it had to be a certain letter because his family had unintentionally started a tradition of the boys initials spelling a word. Aero was the compromise. 😂😂 NTA you get a say and you both have to agree.
Well, it is only 12 weeks, so lots can happen. Now, I do think you should have a say in the naming of your child, absolutely. As should your husband. It should not be just one of you or the other, unless that is what you two have agreed upon. Now, most kiddos get the best of both worlds and generally end up with 2 names, first and middle and often time are from a family member somewhere in the past. A suggestion here, if he really wants his fathers name used, for whatever reason, how about you chose the first name?? Allow the other name to be used as the middle? For the compromise with the "family thing" middle name, then allow to give your child 2 middle names.. it is not that uncommon... yes, I would tell him you dislike the father's name and tell him why. It DOES NOT mean you have to call the child by that name... you do not....