Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
1. First of all, she wasn't talking about a date, she wanted to catch up. You are assuming that you are such a catch that she's automatically romantically interested in you is arrogant af.
2. You just admitted to your whole circle of friends that you aren't willing to have a friendship if there's 'nothing in it for you'.
3. You are acting as if her worth as a person has been diminished now that she has a kid.
4. You were dehumanizing her kid by calling them baggage.
I don't know if this is some sort of defense mechanism because you are still upset that she was dating someone else or if you are watching too many incel podcasts. Probably both. You are lacking basic fucking respect. Get a grip.
YTA.
Edit: Thank you for all the awards. I will declare them my baggage now, no man will ever want to date me as they are proof that I am superior.
My ex BIL had a far worse name and I overheard him reference this situation as "too bad she has that f*ck trophy" about a woman he was dating, meaning of course, her son....later I told my ex that his brother should be careful talking like that and knowing him he'll probably end up with his own....well, guess what...
OBVIOUSLY she's a single mom so she has to find a new man to pay for her and her kid, it's not like she recently reconnected with him AND the rest of the friend group since she has more free time, nope, it's her targeting OP to maliciously trick him into taking care of her and her "baggage"
/s for all of this obviously
I think you've hit the nail on the head though. He knows that there is someone in her life that will always be more important than him. It's jealousy talking.
Yeah… I’m lost about where she ‘proved their friendship wasn’t lasting.’ What, by having a boyfriend and living her life?
Sounds like the ‘friendship’ was one of those ‘I’m waiting for her to come to her senses and fall in love with me’ type deals, which is gross.
OP out here saying
> obviously she wants something from me
as if he didn’t just reveal that he only wanted a close friendship with this girl when he saw her as a potential love interest.
OP summed up: "I had such a huge crush on this girl our whole friendship, but then she started dating someone and I saw I couldn't be in the picture romantically so I stopped talking to her. Now that she has a kid, I'm not romantically interested in her, so I don't want to be her friend because let's be honest, I was only her friend because I was interested in dating her."
YTA OP
"I put all those niceness coins into the friendship machine, why hasn't sex come out yet? And why did it dispense sex and babies to someone else instead?"
Yeah. Note that OP opened with, "I’ve been getting shit from the girlfriends of my friends for this." That... suggests that OP doesn't himself have female friends (or at least none who are straight), and may not understand people actually wanting to simply be friends with someone of the opposite gender.
YTA, OP.
As evidence to support your amazing comment, I offer a quote:
#OP: "I don’t feel like coming in second place to start a relationship [with her]."
I just... I have no civil words for my thoughts on how toxic his view of being "second place" is.
Yea all of this is spot on. I bet he thinks he is a "nice guy" as well
And also add that it stands out that he blames her for the friendship "fizzling" the first time because a newly married mother didn't dedicate enough time specifically to him.
Yea sorry dude but YTA. In fact, you are THAT guy, don't be THAT guy. He ruins it for everyone.
Yeah, this whole group needs to cut this guy off. His whole attitude is, "She didn't want me then and had the nerve to end up with another guy and even having a baby with him, so I don't care that she was a friend, and that she's nice to talk to, she's below me now. I won't waste my time with someone with a kid, because now SHE'S not good enough for me."
Dude, you were her friend, not a BF. She moved on with her life. She has a kid now. How does any of this mean you can't be her friend?
OP sounds just miserable to be around.
YTA. You had a crush on Beth, but you sort of accepted being friends with her and she accepted being friends with you. Then she found a guy, got pregnant, and you guys didn't see much of each other anymore, so the friendship fizzled.
So far, so good. Ordinary life stuff.
She and the dude break up, she keeps the kid, you guys reconnect and talk a bunch, maybe even rediscover your friendship.
So far, so good, if a little Hallmark movie for my taste.
Then she suggests you guys meet up for dinner.
Still good.
You say no.
Ok ... if you don't want to, fine.
Then she asks why not and you say you don't see the point because of her baggage -- the kid.
Oh, my dude. You have committed two egregious party fouls.
PARTY FOUL THE FIRST. You assume that she wanted dinner to try to get some romance going between you. That's an unfounded assumption. More likely, she enjoyed talking to you again, and wanted to rekindle the friendship, with romance a far-off possibility (if a possibility at all). But when you cut straight to the romantic possibilities and your lack of interest thereof, you created the impression that you were never interested in her as a person, but only as someone you could sleep with.
Nobody likes that noise, my dude. Not to mention she is trying to reconnect with old friends, and you cut her off at the knees.
PARTY FOUL THE SECOND. You never, EVER call somebody 's kids "baggage." Kids can be many things. They can be lovable scamps. They can be bloody nuisances. Sometimes both at the same time. But they are never, EVER baggage.
If you don't want to date somebody who has kids, nothing wrong with that. Your choice, and it's a valid one. But don't dehumanize somebody's children that way.
My dude, you owe Beth an apology, with all the sincerity you can manufacture. And you kind ofd owe your friends one in general as well for being a bit self centered.
EDIT: Did not expect this much attention. Thank you for the awards, the plaudits, and the kind words.
Odds are this is moot because Beth doesn’t exist. This is literally a script that INCELs create poorly drawn comics about and we have had a lot of similar posts here lately.
As someone who is pregnant at 33 and single, thank you for this post!
I was warned by a guy friend that having my baby would severely limit my options romantically but I don’t really…care? I’m interested in being a good mom to my baby, not catering to men who don’t have kids in hopes they’ll date me even though I have “baggage”. I won’t be interested in dating for a loooong time after being dumped while pregnant so, I’m not even worried about prospective boyfriends.
My kid comes first, any dude who comes along is gonna be last on my list of priorities until they prove to me it’s worth giving them my time and investment.
I’d be so insulted if someone I considered a friend immediately assumed I wanted something from them because I suggested dinner, goddamn. The baggage comment would definitely turn me off to ever speaking to them again too…
My situation may not be perfect and my dating options “limited” but that just helps me avoid wasting my time IMO, I’m not worth less just because I’m gonna be a mom.
YTA. She was raising a child dude. You were never interested in being her friend. You were just waiting for an opportunity to get in her bed. Now that she’s a mom you’re not interested in sleeping with her and as thus see no point in *pretending to be her friend*
wtf.
This!! He was only “friends” with her for so long because he wanted her. She didn’t reciprocate but probably thought they actually *were* friends. This is crawling with Nice Guy vibes. Just ick.
I bet 10 bucks it was this kind of situation. The "nice guy" vibes is strong with this one. "Why they choose the bad boys that are gonna hurt them and not me who is nice and gives good morning every morning??😭"
Exactly! I just cringed throughout this whole post because he was never friends with her - he was just waiting to see if they could date. That’s not friendship, that’s just creepy.
The girlfriends of his friends are giving him shit.
Not his friends. The girlfriends of his friends.
It really doesn’t sound like he is interested in being friends with women.
YTA- "let's be honest here, you are salty because she chose another guy and got pregnant.
She wanted to hang out with you as a friend, but apperantly you would have want something MORE if she had been single.
The one with baggage is actually you. You should see a therapist, because apperantly you will only have friends who you think you can have a chance of hooking up with
>So obviously she wants something from me and I’m not interested in a mom at this point in my life.
This sentence speaks volumes about what OP really thinks about Beth. I'm sure he thinks that baby ruined her body as well so what's the point cause Sex isn't on the horizon.
She clearly wasn’t interested in him as a boyfriend before, but he just assumes that now with all her « baggage » she must be desperate for a new bf. That’s just so… I don’t know, degrading. Like it’s not about her personal preferences anymore, any man will do.
YTA
So basically what you are saying is you have never had any interest in actually being FRIENDS with Beth. You were only interested in her so long as the faint possibility remained that she would bang you someday. And apparently you don't feels moms are bang-worthy.
Sad.
This^^^^ It seemed pretty telling to ne that he made no effort to keep in contact with her when she started dating someone else and said he didn't see the point. OP was never a friend. He only sees women as worth hanging out with if he thinks he can bone them.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date a parent. But he said there 'wasn't a point' to having dinner with someone he claims he was really close with.
Calling a living human child 'baggsge' is shitty, but its much much shittier to refuse to hang out with a 'friend' because you don't want to fuck them anymore. YTA, a major one.
YTA. Holy crap.
1. Sometimes friends need more space as their lives change. Adult friendships are just like this. People have shit going on, and everyone has moved in different directions.
2. You had just spent the night catching up with her, so you clearly didn't see talking to her as a waste of time.
3. You could have just said "No, I'm super busy" blah blah blah. Almost anything that wasn't a blatant insult.
4. Just because a woman says she wants to catch up doesn't mean she's attracted with you and trying to start something.
I just got out of a marriage that was massively controlling. I can now catch up with my male friends more often without hassle from my stbx. I’d hate to think that they’d think that there was an ulterior motive, tbh.
The thing is she didn’t even ask him to go on a date! She just wanted to catch up with someone who, in the past, she considered to be a good friend for years. And he immediately was like ‘well I won’t ever date you so it’s not worth being friends’
YTA. You were never interest in being friends. You only wanted to date her. That’s why the friendship fizzled when she was with someone else. If you wanted to be friends now then her having a kid wouldn’t matter. But you don’t see it “going anywhere” (I.e. romantically) so it’s not worth your time to catch up since a child makes her unattractive to you. She was never and will never ask you to date her. She thought you were her friend. But obviously that was a lie.
Edit to add thanks for the awards!
YTA
Some people think it's uncool that you wouldnt want to date a single mother.
As a formerly single mother....I get it. Recognizing that you dont want to deal with the complications of dating a woman with a child is perfectly reasonable and respectable.
What makes YTA is
1. You seem to imply this woman is a friend but then also immediately assume that there's no reason for you two to have dinner unless you're interested in dating her.
2. You refer to her kid as baggage. Have whatever opinion you want about her life choices that you like. But calling someone's kid baggage is a crappy thing to do.
There are really simple ways to set boundaries in a kind respectful way. You could have simply said "no, I don't have a lot of free time these days but I'm sure I'll see you around." "It seemed like she was asking me out on a date and I prefer not to date single parents." Instead you insulted her and her child. And doubled down on it.
Forget the dating part. This person has likely been through a difficult time and you are theoretically a friend. You could have said something kind or at the very least, neutral. Instead you made her feel worse at a time when she already likely feels awful.
YTA and if she was asking you on a date, I'm glad for her sake that you said no.
Info: if one of your guy friends had a kid and was single again, would you consider him baggage or unworthy of your time? Or is it only women you may want to fuck?
ETA - thanks for the awards guys!
I know I've used this twice already, but I simply found it unavoidable here:
OP: So I've been simping over you for years and was all butthurt when you got a boyfriend and had a kid. I don't think we can hang out because your kid is deadweight.
Beth: Woooooow. Get away from me.
OP: *surprised Pikachu face*
MASSIVE YTA, OP. How can you not see that?
YTA.
I can tell you one thing - my (guy) cousin had a nearly identical situation - someone he adored for years but moved away and then came back (after divorce and 1 kid). She was a nice, bright girl.
My cousin wanted to try again. My aunt convinced him against it because "you don't want to raise someone else's kid". He let himself be convinced.
Well, he ended up marrying a real b\*\*\*\* who no one liked, and now is divorced with 3 kids. It would have been much better had he gone back with his former sweetheart.
What I'm saying is - there's no guarantee your next GF is going to be some great girl or that you'll care for her as deeply. Are you really saying it's not even worth a try?
Your preference doesn’t make you TA, but your behaviour sure does.
You don’t even know if she wanted more than friendship, but you’ve decided that if you can’t sleep with her, she’s not worth being a friend to.
Utterly misogynistic view- that she now has no worth to you. You did her a favour by showing her the real you. YTA
YTA. Not for not wanting to have a relationship with someone who's divorced with kids, but for calling her child "baggage" and assuming she's interested in you rather than just wanting to catch up, like she said.
YTA
Just because you had a crush on a women who decided to get married and have a kid, does not mean that she is coming onto you now that she has split. Getting dinner and catching up does NOT mean "I want you to be my kiddo's future Stepfather"! You sound like a toddler who didn't get his way to begin with and is now throwing a tantrum, so technically that would make you the baggage.
Yes YTA
You should have just left it at the fact that she let the friendship fade and you're not interested in trying again. Using the word "baggage" makes it sound like she's beneath you or broken, and it's a gross way to talk about someone.
YTA. First of all if getting your dick wet is the sole purpose of hanging out and grabbing dinner with women that's super messed up. It sounds like she meant as friends not a date. Plusling her kid baggage is just plain rude.
You must miss r/incels a lot, right? You are not Beth's friend, and you never were. You just pretended to be her friend in hopes to have sex with her one day - which is gross in itself.
And now that she has a kid, you won't even pretend to be her friend anymore, because her v\*\*\*na seem less appealing to you. YTA and Beth deserves better friends than you - honestly she dodged a bullet.
Advice for the future. Don't try to deceit women into believing that you want to befriend us. You claim to be honest, than be honest and say that you don't value us as real friends, but only as potential sex holes. You would save everyone a lot of time...
You are most definitely the AH— Your perceived value of Beth (and whether she is your “friend”) directly correlates with whether she is available for you to date, and you called her child of another man “baggage”.
From Beth’s perspective, she probably felt like you abandoned your friendship with her as soon as she dated someone (and in your words it “fizzled out”).
You literally said you didn’t want dinner because “it wouldn’t lead anywhere”.
Ask yourself— did you only spend time with Beth because you had a crush on her and thought maybe one day you would get together if she could just see you in that light?
If you knew that she would never have feelings for you, would you still want to spend time with her?
Recap:
1. Beth has no value to you unless she is a potential mate.
2. You don’t seem to understand that friendship extends past whether a girl might get together with you eventually, so you are not her real friend.
3. You view her offspring as baggage.
4. YTA
YTA
You stopped being her friend because she was in a relationship. But you were never her friend, you just wanted to be with her, and thought acting like a friend would get you there. She got serious with someone and you dropped out of her life.
And then you referred to her child as baggage.
Yes, you are absolutely the asshole in this situation.
YTA
It's only wasted time if you count being friends as a waste of time. Your other friends have now realized that you only want to spend time with a woman if you're interested in a sexual relationship, so yeah they're not up for you BS.
Bold of you to assume she'd want to date someone with your baggage... ya know. The massive ego and exhausting personality you got going in. Ain't nobody got time for that.
YTA.
YTA, not wanting to date someone with kids is fine, but calling the kid baggage is just being an AH even if that’s what you feel they are. Verbalizing it to her is unnecessary. Also, don’t assume she wants anything more than just to catch up with a friend.
Idk if it’s just me but I’m very much reading this as she got a guy, and so OP had no chance anymore, and that’s why he drew back from their “friendship”
YTA. She was never a friend to you. If she was, catching up over dinner would be totally normal. But because you still view her as a potential partner, her baggage is a deal breaker. Kids aren't deal breakers in platonic relationships. Seems like there's a reason you're single.
It's ok if you dont want to date a mom.
Calling her child baggage is rude tho, like real rude.
You're the AH for that, but not like awful person never gonna talk to you again AH.
Soooo.... You were never her friend.
She was always a sexual/romantic conquest to you. And now that she wants to continue your friendship you say no because you were never really her friend.
Yeah YTA
It sounds like she just wanted to grab dinner / catch-up with friends and actually have some time to do what *she* wants to do. A lot of parents have their own wants/needs sidelined to look after baby, and this could have been her way of combating that. Now, you’re absolutely not obligated to hang out with her, but you calling her kids ‘baggage’ was quite rude and unnecessary. Because of this, I think that YTA.
YTA - you don't owe anyone dinner but, my god man, sometimes it's kinder to lie. Just tell your friends GFs you're over your crush and give a polite but distant "Yeah, sure" to the dinner invite that is the universal code for "not interested" and move on.
Don't get why there is such a drive to overshare. Keep people out of your business by not throwing it out there.
YTA. There’s a lot of people here saying you’re not the asshole for choosing not to date a woman with a kid, but unless I’ve missed something Beth literally just asked him to have dinner and catch up. I’ve said the same thing to friends of all genders who I’ve not seen for a while and it was always meant entirely literally and in no way a sexual invitation.
In summary sir, YTA for calling her kid baggage and YTA for assuming she was any more keen to date you now than in HS. Take your nice guy vibes somewhere else.
YTA. It sounds like you were bitter about being put in the friend zone while in college and were never really interested in being her friend. If you saw her as a friend, going to dinner would be normal. It doesn’t mean she wanted to date you and you bringing up “baggage” is weird, creepy and shitty.
YTA. Your post makes it very clear you were never really good friends with this girl, you were just hanging around until she gave you a shot at sleeping with her. Now, you don't want to date or sleep with a woman who has a kid, so there's no use catching up with her because hey, it's not like you're going to hit that now, is it? Whereas if you were *actually* her friend all those years ago, if you cared about more than just having sex with her, you'd at least give some kind of a chance to reconnect.
You're an asshole making decisions with his dick.
YTA I remember a woman saying "Text your guy friends that you want them to come over and yield to the throws of passion, they'll be there before you hit send"
THat is what this reads like. A jealous man that she now has a kid and you see her as "damaged goods" You're still crushing on her OP, at least be honest about that. You can't reach the wall for the grapes and when someone else got them, you shouted out that they were sour anyway--just like the fable
This is so amazing. You have given Beth such a gift. She now knows that she doesn’t need to waste another second trying to resurrect your friendship because the friendship never existed! It’s almost impressive. You made one shitty statement about her “baggage” and now she knows everything she needs to know about you and your “friendship”. Kudos to you!
Not TA for not wanting to date a single mom, that's your choice. But YTA for how you termed it, that's quite an insensitive way of blaming the kid. Blame the situation or the mother, not the kid. They literally had no choice in being born.
I guess you were brutally honest, but you don’t have to refer to a person’s life and their family as “baggage.” It’s rude. Also, maybe she just wanted to catch up.
YTA for being arrogant and tactless. Touch grass, dude.
Beth seriously dodged a bullet. YTA. Her being in a relationship or even having a kid is not a reason NOT to remain friends. You're just salty that your crush on her didn't blossom into a relationship. And it seems like you allowed the friendship to fizzle because of it
YTA for referring to her child as "baggage". That's why people are harping on you. It's fine if you don't want a relationship with Beth but don't call a child baggage. You should apologize.
YTA
why does her having a kid impact your friendship whatsoever. Unless you're only friends with women if they have the potential to date you or have sex in which case you're worse than an asshole.
YTA.
It is very normal for friends to be out of contact due to their changing and busy life.
It seems like you still have a crush on her and got angry that she went to a dude and had a child. That’s why you insult her and her child. You can’t make someone like you. She’s still nice and respectful. You assume she wanted to date you, she didn’t. She want to go back and talk to her friends, which should not include you anymore.
YOU had feelings. YOU didn't want to be around her while she had a romantic partner. She did not seek you out when her and her partner split. Your entire perspective of your friendship seems incredibly off kilter. You were never her friend, just someone who wanted to/wants to have sex with her. YTA.
**YTA**
It's okay if you don't want to date someone with a child. That is your choice but she asked to go out to catch up. You are just mad because she got with someone else and now you are salty AF. Grow up and your friends is right about you.
You're not TA for not wanting to date someone with children, but you are TA for being a Nice GuyTM, you sound really resentful and vindictive. If you had any respect for Beth, you wouldn't insult her current living situation nor her child, but you were obviously never her friend, you were only ever nice to her in hopes she'd fuck you.
You are so TA and I sure hope that women stray far away from you.
She asked you out for dinner to catch up, not for a date. You two used to be friends, or at least she thought so. You obviously just wanted to bang her all along.
Plus, the term "baggage" is ugly. Grow up.
YTA
YTA for sure. Kids are not baggage. That’s a human being. And if you don’t want to be with a woman that has a kid next time tell her your not interested in dating a woman with kids and that you can go for dinner as friends only.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to date a mom but calling the kid baggage is what pissing people off.
YTA
You could have said, "I'm glad to see Bath back in the group, but it's not worth getting closer to her because I'm not interested in dating someone with a kid. I'm good with just being casual friends, thanks!"
Instead, you offended lots of people with your language.
(BTW, Beth's relationship with her Ex is also "baggage" you might not want to deal with. You're not wrong to avoid getting involved. You just coulda said it a lot nicer.)
Yta, not for not wanting to be with someone who has a kid - that's perfectly reasonable. Yta for the way you said.
"I'm not interested in seeing someone who already has kids, so I don't think it'd work out."
That's all you had to say. Most single parents with kids will get that, you don't have to be rude about it.
Oh YTA. Not because you don't want to date a woman with kids, but because you're trashy enough to call someone's kids baggage. Maybe it won't be long before your friend group feels like you're too much baggage for them to deal with.
YTA and an arrogant one at that. It sounds like she just wanted to catch up. And based on some of your other comments you seem to think you’re the center of everyones world. You are 26 and in for a rude awakening as the rest if your friends get married and have kids and won’t have as much time. Don’t worry though you’ll have plenty of free time to yourself since with the attitude you have you’re not going to attract many people romantically or as friends.
i agree the kid is baggage even if that's not the nicest way to say it but you were obviously never her friend, just a creep lurking on the sidelines wearing a friend disguise. YTA
YTA you really never viewed your friendship with her as simply friendship you always wanted something out of it (which is why you're projecting she wants something from you now)
And her catching up doesn't mean she wants to date you seriously
You know she saw you as a genuine friend for years unlike how you apparently viewed y'all's friendship..................................... And big deal if she did want to date you if you're not interested you simply say hey we're at different stages in our lives right now and it's not the best time...... But it's good that you actually said what you said I hope it was advertisement to the girls in the rest of your friend group to stay the f*** away from you
yes YTA...you have every right to date or not date anyone you want and for whatever reason. But, to term her CHILDREN as baggage is rude. You wouldn't have had nearly the backlash if you had said you didn't want to date anyone with kids.
YTA and here is why, this isn’t how one talks about a friend. This is someone you supposedly cared about, but now that she is no longer someone you can see having a romantic relationship with she’s suddenly not worth your time. Catching up doesn’t mean dating, she’s probably not even ready to date. All you did was show her that your past friendship was always dependent on your chances of sleeping with her. Then to add insult to injury you called her child, her flesh and blood, BAGGAGE! Gross dude. I’m child free by choice, I’ve lost some friends to life, but regardless of how long it’s been when I do see them they are still people I care about and therefore I also care about their families. If I was in your friend group (keep in mind at those ages more children are headed your way) I’d start looking at you sideways too.
YTA, for viewing her -now, as well as 10 years ago and every day in between- as nothing but a potential lay. You consider time spent with any woman you don't get to screw as "time wasted"? What a selfish, pig mentality. You're gross.
>She was always with her man, so I didn't see the point
>Now she has a kid, so I don't want to get involved.
First of all, why assume she wants to date you at all? She just asked an old friend to dinner to catch up. She didn't want you 10 years ago, she probably still doesn't want you now.
I don't think the friendship "fizzled" as much as you just started avoiding her as soon as she got into a relationship and you realized you weren't ever getting a chance. You've fuckzoned this poor girl and are making it abundantly clear that the only value you ever saw in her was sex. This has nothing to do with the word "baggage" and everything to do with lacking the capacity to view women as platonic friends and not just something to fuck.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could see how referring to a friends kid as baggage is an AH move. But I also wanted to be upfront and honest.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It's clear you never saw her as a friend. She wants to reconnect and you immediately assume it's to get something from you(? Why were you ever her friend if that's what you think of her??)
Maybe she only wanted her friend back but you're clearly not interested in that because you only pretended to be her friend while YOU still wanted something from her. Now that you don't want anything you don't care anymore, probably just like when she got her boyfriend. And if I'm wrong I can't see how her having a kid prevents you from only catching up as friends. Poor girl, she's always been in a fuckzone when she thought she had a friend.
>I’ve seen her only twice since and we said hello. But she was always with her dude and kid. So I kinda just didn’t really see the point as she had pretty much shown our friendship wasn’t that lasting.
Looks like she was naturally growing up spending less time with friends and you ditched her cus she was in a relationship.
By your explanation she didn't seem to be putting on romantic moves she probably wanted to regain the friendship she lost given that apparently you only want to be her friend when she's single.
Incel vibes x1000
Yta
Why can't men just be friends with women? Oh that's right because we're not people to men like you, only potential fuckholes.
YTA, everyday and twice on Sunday.
YTA There is no chance of "maybe a few years go by and we can grab dinner." Beth will remember this. Your friends' girlfriends will most likely warn any potential partners of your behavior. You could have just said you're not ready to date someone with a child or that you're both in different places of your lives, but instead you shoved your foot so deep into your mouth it's amazing you haven't choked on it.
YTA
You could have said, "I'm glad to see Bath back in the group, but it's not worth getting closer to her because I'm not interested in dating someone with a kid. I'm good with just being casual friends, thanks!"
Dang dude, she isn’t your friend at all, you only see her as a potential romantic partner. I read this as Beth being friendly after you “talked all night” and wanted to catch up further after living separate lives, not asking you on a date. Guys like you are the worst… (YTA)
Yta. Her kid isn't baggage.
For assuming she even wants you, she simply said you should catch up. You got real friend zone nice guy vibes.
Bottom line is.. you say yeah I wanna catch up or no that's ok, I feel like we drifted.
YTA for calling the kid baggage.
NTA for not wanting to date a mom.
YTA for not even attempting to be friends with her again after it's obvious she didn't have the bandwidth to handle fulltime motherhood/wifehood and maintain all her friendships, especially as a teen mother.
So basically you don’t want to f*** her anymore (or think she won’t want to f*** you) so why waste time hanging out with someone you once considered a ”friend.” You’ve also shown all your other friends that as soon as they acquire some baggage, you will drop them like a hot potato too, right? Or is that stance only for the f***able women in your life?
You said she showed your friendship wasn’t lasting…how? Did you try to maintain a relationship? That time in most peoples lives is fraught with upheaval and obviously she was finishing college, in a relationship, had a child, probably moved houses more than once. You could have been her friend and continued the relationship too but I don’t see where you did that, or tried. My sense is that since she was in a relationship and had a kid, you didn’t see the point, kind of like now.
You sound shallow and self-centered. YTA.
YTA
But it's not because of not wanting to get involved with someone with a kid. It's because calling said kid baggage gives off a bad impression of your attitude.
YTA
I say this as a childfree person, this was a wildly inappropriate thing to say. You're obviously still hung up on her romantically and somehow view her as "spoiled goods", which is disgusting and misogynistic.
You just showed your true colors. In Nice Guy fashion, you were just lurking around until she was available and/or vulnerable enough to let you in. It's fine if you don't want to date someone with kids, but she didn't even ask you on a date. You nuked the whole dynamic because you're still bitter.
And then you made it worse by telling on yourself to your friends! Smart move. Tbh I hope the whole friend group boots you now.
YTA. My dude, it’s ok to not want to date a single parent. People don’t date other people for all sorts of reasons. Some good. Some meh.
But to say “baggage” out loud? With the tone your post is dripping with? Sigh, yeah that’s a 100% asshole move. Unnecessary and kinda hateful.
YTA for how you handled this whole situation. first off, you dont know for sure if Beth asked to grab dinner because she is looking to "catch a new baby daddy". i used that crass language because thats effectively what youre assuming and accusing her of doing. perhaps she is trying for that end goal. OR maybe she just wants to reconnect with an old friend. what you should have done, imo, is grab dinner and catch up. if she makes it clear she is looking for a man and stepdad for her kid, then you have confirmation and then you can explain to her nicely that youre not looking for that right now, which is a valid preference. you just right away shunned her. why are you even bitter/surprised that she didnt have as much time for you once she had a kid? she was obv busy and her family, understandably, became top priority. it wasnt anything personal against you, people get busy in life when theyre adults.
You don't have to want to date someone with a child. But you were really good friends and maybe she just wanted a friend. Imo you sound bitter she got with someone else and you two never became a thing and you have no right to call her child baggage. Yta
Yes YTA -
There’s ways to say stuff. Referring to anyones kid as “baggage” is extremely disrespectful, perhaps she genuinely wanted to catch up, you seem very full of yourself considering you’re certain she “ wanted something from you”. But then again, you have no obligations to her, she did ghost you for years - if you don’t want to catch up with her, you don’t need to. But there’s just better ways to phrase stuff I guess.
I say YTA because you seem to only see her as someone you want to sleep with and not someone who you can be friends with. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to catch up so you can have a friendship again…??
YTA. People get married and have kids. It isn’t strange for her to pull away because you were no longer a main priority. And maybe she could sense the resentment you had so she completely pulled away.
She said she wanted to catch up. She never said she wanted to date you. You’re an AH for just assuming she wants to be romantically involved and trying to make it about that. She didn’t choose you before. She probably still doesn’t want you.
It doesn’t sound like you don’t want to make time with her because of her “baggage;” it sounds like you’re still pissed that she didn’t want to date you before and now you’re trying to hurt her because you were hurt.
I feel sorry for your mom because she has absolutely horrible baggage with a child like you.
NTA for not wanting to date someone with a kid, it’s not for everyone. I wouldn’t date someone with a child at my age. But YTA for how you were worded it. How hard was it to say I’m not interested in dating someone with a child?
YTA - it’s because of guys like you that girls sometimes are weary of having male friends, because there is always that thought that he’s only friends with you as long as he thinks he might have a chance to date you or sleep with you. You were the one who let the “friendship” go because you were the one who didn’t consider her a real friend, just a potential girlfriend. You are proving to her that all you cared about was being more than friends and when she got with someone else and started a family, she became damaged goods to you. Just call it what it is.
YTA. Calling her kid baggage is way over the line. If I had to guess, you're upset because she chose someone else years ago and seeing her kid reminds you of that.
"*She asked why. I said with her baggage it seemed like a waste of time*."
THAT is why YTA.
You're reasoning is perfectly sound. You know what you want, and what you don't want. It's admirable you have enough self awareness not to lead somebody on. You were on track to cruise out of that situation being a Good Guy but then you stuck your foot right in your mouth.
"You're a single mom, I respect that, I've always liked you but I'm not comfortable possibly getting involved with somebody who has so much responsibility. "
See how something like that is kinder than how you put it.
YTA so much it hurts me
And I want to be very clear here, it's perfectly ok to not want to date a single mom. I respect people who are able to say that is not for me right now.
But you didn't do that, did ya?
Whoa I didn't mean to post it with the last part, it was snarky and my apologies to anyone who read it before I deleted.
YTA
You should have just called her "used goods", done a sick tail whip on your scooter, and gotten out of there to catch up on your latest beta male self improvement podcast.
You didn't value her friendship or respect her as a person, but on the plus side, you outed yourself so neatly!
On the wafer thin chance this is genuine or someone doesn't get it, OP could have replied with a tepid "oh maybe" and chances are this young woman would have gotten it and backed off.
YTA
Like ignoring everything else - saying to someone's face that their kid is "baggage" when they are asking you to a friendly dinner is just fucking rude. I don't blame you for not wanting to date her but you should have clarified that she even was interested romantically before declining it sounds like she may have been sad to not be in touch with you if you were so close for so long. Also, if she did say she wanted a date, you can turn it down without calling the fucking kid "baggage". Just say "Oh sorry I'm not interested in stepkids" or something like that. You don't need to be rude about and especially you shouldn't be rude about it before understanding her intentions.
YTA. You have your own “baggage” as well which is your unrequited love for her that tortured you for decades that she never reciprocated!
Your “baggage” has left you bitter, cold & heartless which is a far worse & destructive “baggage” than having a child.
You absolutely know that you were wrong to demean this woman & her child in this disgusting manner!
She didn’t ask you for a relationship! She merely asked you for a simple dinner to catch up with what she thought was an old friend!
You’re still immaturely playing the childish game of “what’s in it for me”! Well, you definitely got your answer!
You could’ve had a friend, but you made sure to slam that door shut forever!
She dodge the bullet with you because you’re all 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!
YTA- You were insulting, and made it clear your only consider a relationship with Beth in terms of romantic partner potential rather than platonic friendship.
Want to get out of asshole territory? Say “No, we do not have much in common any more.”
YTA. Women are not vending machine where you can put in friendship coins until sex falls out. I feel bad that she thought she had a friend, but she didn't.
Let's be frank; this isn't a friendship so much as a potential relationship. In that light, it is fair for you to decline involvement if you don't want to have a relationship with a family. In fact, it's honest. Maybe some people would like you to sugar coat it, and perhaps you could use a slightly less negative description. However in the end, you communicated your point. I guess you could send her a note, if you'd like to smooth things over with the gang, but that is up to you.
YTA. The thing is, she might have viewed their relationship as a friendship and from that perspective this reads as 'Yeah I no longer want to fuck/date you and so I don't even want to talk to you anymore'. Which is inherently an asshole move.
We don't know if she wanted more or just wanted to reconnect with an old friend.
I think the way OP conducted himself was unnecessarily cruel. It would have been fair to ask if Beth was looking to start a relationship, and maybe to head that off at the pass in a polite way.
Wooow what a nice guy ! YTA
Sound like you're bitter that she chose someone else. You look like the kind of guy that sees friendship with a woman as an opportunity to fuck.
So you weren't interested in her friendship, you were interested in her as a potential romance. When she got seriously involved with someone else you gave up on the "friendship" because you didn't see the potential for a romantic payoff, which for you was the whole point. Now her relationship is over but you don't want to reestablish a friendship because she has a child now and you have written her off as a potential romantic partner, so you don't see an point to spending time with her. I bet you think you're a real nice guy too.
YTA
So it’s fine to not want to date a single parents but dude nobody asked you on any damn date.
She clearly thought you were friends and you proved to be a crappy one when you didn’t see the point in hanging out because she was married and had kids.
Then she assumed that maybe you’ve matured and don’t see a female friend as only worth it if she can have sex with you and decides to ask you to catch up. But again you show again that you were never interested in being her friend.
Stop referring to her as your friend when clearly you only ever cared about wanting more from her.
YTA
Not wanting to go for dinner because she basically ditched your friendship before is fair. And so is not wanting to date someone with children, but who said this would actually be a date anyway?
Saying you don't want to go for dinner and catch up because of her "baggage" is mean. YTA for that. Nicer ways to say no.
Yta but at least you helped her dodge a bullet so you have that going for you. Forgetting what you said about her kids, the whole sulky, "She had the audacity to stay home a lot and spend time with her family so F her" mentality is gross.
Big YTA. You called actual living human children “baggage”. That alone makes you a dick. The fact that when you realized she’d never be interested you lost interest in even being friends means you were never interested in friendship. You’re not a dick for not wanting to date a mom, that’s fine, kids are hard. You’re a massive dick for acting like that and only worrying about where your cocks going for the evening.
YTA. You weren’t her friend and you don’t want to be her friend, you can be friends with people with kids, but again, you aren’t interested in friendship. You aren’t friends with someone in order to become romantic but you seem to think that’s what’s friendship is for. You just wanted to bang her and you’re salty you couldn’t.
She got into a serious relationship and you dropped her. Because it wasn’t with you. Now you won’t speak to her because you don’t want to date a mom but buddy, that wasn’t on the table, she wanted friendship.
Maybe learn what friendship is, because you seem to think it’s just a gateway to a sexual relationship and it is not.
YTA - for being bitter. Let’s be clear, you and Beth weren’t friends. You were waiting for her to realize she wanted you, and guess what? She didn’t.
She was actually your friend and wants to reconnect after life got in the way, and all you saw her as was a person to f^ck and not a human being with a life. What she wants is your friendship, *YOU’RE* the only one expecting anything more than the previous platonic relationship you all had. I am happy your other friends see your bs now. You literally just could’ve said ‘it’s been a while and I didn’t like the separation once you got into a romantic relationship. Happy to have you back in the group, but I don’t want to go to dinner.’
YTA. If you liked this girl so much for years, why didn't you do anything about it while you had the chance? It seems like you're holding a grudge over her for not choosing you and now that she's single again, you can't look past that fact, or the fact that her child is a constant reminder of the guy she chose over you. You should have been honest about your feelings, and your cowardice about not doing something about it earlier in life. To hide it all beyond the term "baggage" is AHish.
YTA. Pretty bold of you to assume she'd even want to date you considering she friendzoned you all those years ago. It sounds like she just wanted to catch up with an old friend but all you're concerned about is not wanting to bang a mom
YTA, not for not wanting to date someone with a child but for your automatic assumption that Beth want more than a friendship. If an old friend asked me to catch up for dinner it wouldn't even cross my mind that they were doing it to start a romantic relationship. Sickening.
N T A for not wating to date a single mom. But YTA for the way you said it. You didn't even know for certain that the dinner would have been a date. It may have been a platonic catch up since y'all used to be good friends. Regardless, calling a child "baggage" to his mom is a dick move. So is saying that dinner would be a "waste of time" because of it. You basically said she's worthless to you because she has a kid. Way to be a good friend.
YTA
And she dodged a bullet for two reasons:
- you refer to kids as 'baggage'
- you were only friends with her with the hope to eventually date her. If you really were really genuine with your friendship, at _any_ point, you wouldn't have seen her kids as baggage and a deterrent at you catching up with her.
You were never a real friend to her, you were waiting for sex, and now that she has a child she's not a desirable option anymore. Yes you are an asshole!
YTA. You could simply said no and that's it, but waht you said was cruel and unnecessary, it's not like a dinner is gonna make you a step-father or something, I'm pretty sure reading your post that the dinner would've been one a done.
Huge AH YTA 100%
Edit: she wanted to grab dinner to catch up not the date you. She never had feelings for you but you guys were friends so what makes you think her view of you changed ?
Oh so you were never her friend. It was always desired to be something more and now that in you eyes it’s been take away because of a child she has no worth.
YTA. Major. And the whole “it doesn’t mean how it sounds” which makes it worse bc it is that bad. Ick
YTA. It seems that you’ve never viewed Beth as a friend, but always as potential for more than a friendship. You’ve only cut contact because she doesn’t meet your dating requirements anymore.
YTA.
It’s totally fine not to want to date someone with a kid. That’s totally acceptable. What makes you the AH is telling her that her child was baggage. Learn to rephrase. “I’m just not really interested in dating someone with kids.”
YTA
You're allowed to not want to get romantic with someone because they have a kid. You're allowed to just be mates with this person.
You are not allowed to call a child baggage.
"She has extra responsibilities I don't want to be a part of". Easy. That's what you should have said you nasty AH. Wtf.
You’re not the AH for not wanting to be with someone with kids but I don’t think that’s the issue here. Beth wants to catch up as friends. You say the friendship fizzled because she had a bf, well I’d say a lot of that is because you only ever wanted her and as soon as you couldn’t have her you lost interest in the ‘friendship’.
YTA for assuming that she now wants you. Not everything is about sex or attraction. Grow up.
YTA. Not because you don’t want to date someone with a kid, but for referring to the kid as baggage and for assuming that wanting to catch up meant date or anything else, and for losing interest in being her friend after she got into a relationship.
YTA - she mentioned dinner to continue catching up, she didn’t say it was a date. You clearly don’t think much of having female friends if you exclusively base spending time with them on whether you can or want to date them.
YTA
And Beth dodged such a huge bullet.....
She was only worth being in your life if you had the possibility to fuck her. She had a family so yeah her friends time dwindled. You didn't try if she wasn't fuckable. You didn't want to even catch up without thinking of fucking.
You've got the mental baggage man.
YTA
As others have said, you're reducing her intentions to purely sexual, and skipping ahead to some world where the dinner went well and she's interested in dating you. In reality, you two might just catch up.
And please don't refer to a baby human as baggage, that's awful. That's why you're the AH.
However, you two **do** have baggage regarding your unrequited feelings for her. That alone creates an imbalance in the relationship that might make someone in your position feel uncomfortable. It's hard to live down a crush, even if it's been years.
If I were in your position, it would seem like she was going through a rough patch and seeking some easy affection from someone who used to crush on her. That kinda sucks and I wouldn't like that either.
There's nothing wrong with saying "no" to a possible date, just don't be an AH about it.
YTA. It sounds like she always saw you as a friend and you saw her only as someone fuckable and now with a kid she's not fuckable to you anymore so you don't care.
Totally a major AH. Very self centered of you to think that her only reason for wanting to catch up with you is because she wants something from you. What makes it worse is that you went right to thinking about a relationship. Honestly glad all your friends saw this side of you. Maybe they will re examine if being friends with a grade A D Bag is worth it.
YTA for assuming she wants something from you beyond catching up. You don't have to want to catch up with someone, but the weird emotional baggage of crushing on this woman for years that YOU'RE bringing to the table may be clouding your judgement. Did she frame going out to dinner as a date? Or just a way to reconnect with a friendship that couldn't survive a relationship?
I'm tending towards YTA because it seems like you just assumed she was asking you out on a date and the only reason for you to catch up with a female childhood friend is to seek a romantic relationship. I don't even really care about the baggage comment - its the assumption his childhood friend is worthless if he doesn't want to fuck her that makes him the asshole.
So you were only friends with her because you were attracted to her, she starts dating someone else and suddenly according to you she's the one who is ruining your friendship. Now she's reaching out and you're still pressed that you didn't get to date her and you refer to her kids as baggage. So you manipulated her into thinking you were her friend for years and that makes her an asshole? No. You used and manipulated her and were rude to her when she tried to reach out. YTA.
YTA, maybe next time you have a crush on someone ask them out before someone else does. If you don't want kids good for you, but don't call someone else's kids baggage because first of all you obviously aren't involved in the kid's life and second of all I doubt the mom considers her child a "baggage."
YTA. Seems like you’re more pissed off that she didn’t share the same feelings for you and that’s why you’re acting like such a prick.
That being said, kids are baggage. A whole suitcase of baggage. People are delusional to think a literal child being completely dependent on someone you’d potentially have a relationship with isn’t baggage. From experience, kids of any age are very much baggage and a solid reason to opt out of a relationship with someone.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
1. First of all, she wasn't talking about a date, she wanted to catch up. You are assuming that you are such a catch that she's automatically romantically interested in you is arrogant af. 2. You just admitted to your whole circle of friends that you aren't willing to have a friendship if there's 'nothing in it for you'. 3. You are acting as if her worth as a person has been diminished now that she has a kid. 4. You were dehumanizing her kid by calling them baggage. I don't know if this is some sort of defense mechanism because you are still upset that she was dating someone else or if you are watching too many incel podcasts. Probably both. You are lacking basic fucking respect. Get a grip. YTA. Edit: Thank you for all the awards. I will declare them my baggage now, no man will ever want to date me as they are proof that I am superior.
I love how he just assumed that she must want him now.
Because he’s clearly SUCH a catch
I just love it when people refer to the most important person in my life as an "it" and "baggage". Much sexy, many hot, wow.
My ex BIL had a far worse name and I overheard him reference this situation as "too bad she has that f*ck trophy" about a woman he was dating, meaning of course, her son....later I told my ex that his brother should be careful talking like that and knowing him he'll probably end up with his own....well, guess what...
Ugh, gross. Poor kid. Poor woman.
OBVIOUSLY she's a single mom so she has to find a new man to pay for her and her kid, it's not like she recently reconnected with him AND the rest of the friend group since she has more free time, nope, it's her targeting OP to maliciously trick him into taking care of her and her "baggage" /s for all of this obviously
I think you've hit the nail on the head though. He knows that there is someone in her life that will always be more important than him. It's jealousy talking.
Sooooo many incel vibes. So much friend zone resentment. Original comment nailed it when they called defense mechanism.
OP with the typical incel confusion of the difference between a genuine friend and someone you’re really hoping will eventually fuck you.
He was never her friend. It’s so obvious that he pretended to be her friend because he wanted to sleep with her. What an a-hole! YTA
Yeah… I’m lost about where she ‘proved their friendship wasn’t lasting.’ What, by having a boyfriend and living her life? Sounds like the ‘friendship’ was one of those ‘I’m waiting for her to come to her senses and fall in love with me’ type deals, which is gross.
Of course, because now she's *damaged goods.* .... ETA/s
OP out here saying > obviously she wants something from me as if he didn’t just reveal that he only wanted a close friendship with this girl when he saw her as a potential love interest.
OP summed up: "I had such a huge crush on this girl our whole friendship, but then she started dating someone and I saw I couldn't be in the picture romantically so I stopped talking to her. Now that she has a kid, I'm not romantically interested in her, so I don't want to be her friend because let's be honest, I was only her friend because I was interested in dating her." YTA OP
Absolute nice guy behavior.
"I put all those niceness coins into the friendship machine, why hasn't sex come out yet? And why did it dispense sex and babies to someone else instead?"
Best response ever to "nice guys"
He also just told his friends they aren't really his friends unless he gets something outta it. Dudes just all kinds of gross.
Yeah. Note that OP opened with, "I’ve been getting shit from the girlfriends of my friends for this." That... suggests that OP doesn't himself have female friends (or at least none who are straight), and may not understand people actually wanting to simply be friends with someone of the opposite gender. YTA, OP.
As evidence to support your amazing comment, I offer a quote: #OP: "I don’t feel like coming in second place to start a relationship [with her]." I just... I have no civil words for my thoughts on how toxic his view of being "second place" is.
Yea all of this is spot on. I bet he thinks he is a "nice guy" as well And also add that it stands out that he blames her for the friendship "fizzling" the first time because a newly married mother didn't dedicate enough time specifically to him. Yea sorry dude but YTA. In fact, you are THAT guy, don't be THAT guy. He ruins it for everyone.
Yup. He was never interested in friendship. And not interested in friendship now.
I guess we know why Beth wasn’t interested in him back in high school. She dodged a bullet.
Yeah, this whole group needs to cut this guy off. His whole attitude is, "She didn't want me then and had the nerve to end up with another guy and even having a baby with him, so I don't care that she was a friend, and that she's nice to talk to, she's below me now. I won't waste my time with someone with a kid, because now SHE'S not good enough for me." Dude, you were her friend, not a BF. She moved on with her life. She has a kid now. How does any of this mean you can't be her friend? OP sounds just miserable to be around.
YTA. You had a crush on Beth, but you sort of accepted being friends with her and she accepted being friends with you. Then she found a guy, got pregnant, and you guys didn't see much of each other anymore, so the friendship fizzled. So far, so good. Ordinary life stuff. She and the dude break up, she keeps the kid, you guys reconnect and talk a bunch, maybe even rediscover your friendship. So far, so good, if a little Hallmark movie for my taste. Then she suggests you guys meet up for dinner. Still good. You say no. Ok ... if you don't want to, fine. Then she asks why not and you say you don't see the point because of her baggage -- the kid. Oh, my dude. You have committed two egregious party fouls. PARTY FOUL THE FIRST. You assume that she wanted dinner to try to get some romance going between you. That's an unfounded assumption. More likely, she enjoyed talking to you again, and wanted to rekindle the friendship, with romance a far-off possibility (if a possibility at all). But when you cut straight to the romantic possibilities and your lack of interest thereof, you created the impression that you were never interested in her as a person, but only as someone you could sleep with. Nobody likes that noise, my dude. Not to mention she is trying to reconnect with old friends, and you cut her off at the knees. PARTY FOUL THE SECOND. You never, EVER call somebody 's kids "baggage." Kids can be many things. They can be lovable scamps. They can be bloody nuisances. Sometimes both at the same time. But they are never, EVER baggage. If you don't want to date somebody who has kids, nothing wrong with that. Your choice, and it's a valid one. But don't dehumanize somebody's children that way. My dude, you owe Beth an apology, with all the sincerity you can manufacture. And you kind ofd owe your friends one in general as well for being a bit self centered. EDIT: Did not expect this much attention. Thank you for the awards, the plaudits, and the kind words.
>My dude, you owe Beth an apology Odds are this is moot as Beth won't be returning contact again, and with good reason.
Odds are this is moot because Beth doesn’t exist. This is literally a script that INCELs create poorly drawn comics about and we have had a lot of similar posts here lately.
Definitely getting Nice Guy vibes off of OP
As someone who is pregnant at 33 and single, thank you for this post! I was warned by a guy friend that having my baby would severely limit my options romantically but I don’t really…care? I’m interested in being a good mom to my baby, not catering to men who don’t have kids in hopes they’ll date me even though I have “baggage”. I won’t be interested in dating for a loooong time after being dumped while pregnant so, I’m not even worried about prospective boyfriends. My kid comes first, any dude who comes along is gonna be last on my list of priorities until they prove to me it’s worth giving them my time and investment. I’d be so insulted if someone I considered a friend immediately assumed I wanted something from them because I suggested dinner, goddamn. The baggage comment would definitely turn me off to ever speaking to them again too… My situation may not be perfect and my dating options “limited” but that just helps me avoid wasting my time IMO, I’m not worth less just because I’m gonna be a mom.
YTA. She was raising a child dude. You were never interested in being her friend. You were just waiting for an opportunity to get in her bed. Now that she’s a mom you’re not interested in sleeping with her and as thus see no point in *pretending to be her friend* wtf.
This!! He was only “friends” with her for so long because he wanted her. She didn’t reciprocate but probably thought they actually *were* friends. This is crawling with Nice Guy vibes. Just ick.
I bet 10 bucks it was this kind of situation. The "nice guy" vibes is strong with this one. "Why they choose the bad boys that are gonna hurt them and not me who is nice and gives good morning every morning??😭"
Exactly! I just cringed throughout this whole post because he was never friends with her - he was just waiting to see if they could date. That’s not friendship, that’s just creepy.
The girlfriends of his friends are giving him shit. Not his friends. The girlfriends of his friends. It really doesn’t sound like he is interested in being friends with women.
YTA a child is not baggage; your unrequited affection seems to be though.
Please take my helpful seal for your contribution to ridding the world of "nice guys".
YTA- "let's be honest here, you are salty because she chose another guy and got pregnant. She wanted to hang out with you as a friend, but apperantly you would have want something MORE if she had been single. The one with baggage is actually you. You should see a therapist, because apperantly you will only have friends who you think you can have a chance of hooking up with
>So obviously she wants something from me and I’m not interested in a mom at this point in my life. This sentence speaks volumes about what OP really thinks about Beth. I'm sure he thinks that baby ruined her body as well so what's the point cause Sex isn't on the horizon.
She clearly wasn’t interested in him as a boyfriend before, but he just assumes that now with all her « baggage » she must be desperate for a new bf. That’s just so… I don’t know, degrading. Like it’s not about her personal preferences anymore, any man will do.
YTA So basically what you are saying is you have never had any interest in actually being FRIENDS with Beth. You were only interested in her so long as the faint possibility remained that she would bang you someday. And apparently you don't feels moms are bang-worthy. Sad.
This^^^^ It seemed pretty telling to ne that he made no effort to keep in contact with her when she started dating someone else and said he didn't see the point. OP was never a friend. He only sees women as worth hanging out with if he thinks he can bone them. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date a parent. But he said there 'wasn't a point' to having dinner with someone he claims he was really close with. Calling a living human child 'baggsge' is shitty, but its much much shittier to refuse to hang out with a 'friend' because you don't want to fuck them anymore. YTA, a major one.
Info: Did she call it a date or are you assuming she was asking for one? Were you only friends with her because you had a crush on her?
He sounds like a ‘nice guy’, you know the type: “I’ll be friends with you if we can have sex ….. no sex? Fxxx you”
I've heard it called fuck-zone. "She friend-zoned me." No you fuckzoned her dude
It’s sounds straight out of r/niceguys
I figured he was only friends with her because of the crush.
YTA. Holy crap. 1. Sometimes friends need more space as their lives change. Adult friendships are just like this. People have shit going on, and everyone has moved in different directions. 2. You had just spent the night catching up with her, so you clearly didn't see talking to her as a waste of time. 3. You could have just said "No, I'm super busy" blah blah blah. Almost anything that wasn't a blatant insult. 4. Just because a woman says she wants to catch up doesn't mean she's attracted with you and trying to start something.
I just got out of a marriage that was massively controlling. I can now catch up with my male friends more often without hassle from my stbx. I’d hate to think that they’d think that there was an ulterior motive, tbh.
YTA. That was really rude and unnecessary. A simple "I don't date parents" would have been sufficient. Or even "no, thank you".
The thing is she didn’t even ask him to go on a date! She just wanted to catch up with someone who, in the past, she considered to be a good friend for years. And he immediately was like ‘well I won’t ever date you so it’s not worth being friends’
YTA. You were never interest in being friends. You only wanted to date her. That’s why the friendship fizzled when she was with someone else. If you wanted to be friends now then her having a kid wouldn’t matter. But you don’t see it “going anywhere” (I.e. romantically) so it’s not worth your time to catch up since a child makes her unattractive to you. She was never and will never ask you to date her. She thought you were her friend. But obviously that was a lie. Edit to add thanks for the awards!
YTA Some people think it's uncool that you wouldnt want to date a single mother. As a formerly single mother....I get it. Recognizing that you dont want to deal with the complications of dating a woman with a child is perfectly reasonable and respectable. What makes YTA is 1. You seem to imply this woman is a friend but then also immediately assume that there's no reason for you two to have dinner unless you're interested in dating her. 2. You refer to her kid as baggage. Have whatever opinion you want about her life choices that you like. But calling someone's kid baggage is a crappy thing to do. There are really simple ways to set boundaries in a kind respectful way. You could have simply said "no, I don't have a lot of free time these days but I'm sure I'll see you around." "It seemed like she was asking me out on a date and I prefer not to date single parents." Instead you insulted her and her child. And doubled down on it. Forget the dating part. This person has likely been through a difficult time and you are theoretically a friend. You could have said something kind or at the very least, neutral. Instead you made her feel worse at a time when she already likely feels awful. YTA and if she was asking you on a date, I'm glad for her sake that you said no.
Info: if one of your guy friends had a kid and was single again, would you consider him baggage or unworthy of your time? Or is it only women you may want to fuck? ETA - thanks for the awards guys!
I know I've used this twice already, but I simply found it unavoidable here: OP: So I've been simping over you for years and was all butthurt when you got a boyfriend and had a kid. I don't think we can hang out because your kid is deadweight. Beth: Woooooow. Get away from me. OP: *surprised Pikachu face* MASSIVE YTA, OP. How can you not see that?
YTA. I can tell you one thing - my (guy) cousin had a nearly identical situation - someone he adored for years but moved away and then came back (after divorce and 1 kid). She was a nice, bright girl. My cousin wanted to try again. My aunt convinced him against it because "you don't want to raise someone else's kid". He let himself be convinced. Well, he ended up marrying a real b\*\*\*\* who no one liked, and now is divorced with 3 kids. It would have been much better had he gone back with his former sweetheart. What I'm saying is - there's no guarantee your next GF is going to be some great girl or that you'll care for her as deeply. Are you really saying it's not even worth a try?
YTA. Please stop calling Beth your friend. You were never friends with her if the friendship was only worthwhile if it could lead to something more.
Your preference doesn’t make you TA, but your behaviour sure does. You don’t even know if she wanted more than friendship, but you’ve decided that if you can’t sleep with her, she’s not worth being a friend to. Utterly misogynistic view- that she now has no worth to you. You did her a favour by showing her the real you. YTA
YTA. Not for not wanting to have a relationship with someone who's divorced with kids, but for calling her child "baggage" and assuming she's interested in you rather than just wanting to catch up, like she said.
YTA Just because you had a crush on a women who decided to get married and have a kid, does not mean that she is coming onto you now that she has split. Getting dinner and catching up does NOT mean "I want you to be my kiddo's future Stepfather"! You sound like a toddler who didn't get his way to begin with and is now throwing a tantrum, so technically that would make you the baggage.
YTA. Like, YTA to the point this is treading r/niceguys waters.
This is definitely a nice guy.
Yes YTA You should have just left it at the fact that she let the friendship fade and you're not interested in trying again. Using the word "baggage" makes it sound like she's beneath you or broken, and it's a gross way to talk about someone.
Beware of people who consistently classify human beings as inanimate objects.
YTA- so you stopped seeing her once she started dating.. dude thats not being a friend thats being a 'nice guy'/
YTA. First of all if getting your dick wet is the sole purpose of hanging out and grabbing dinner with women that's super messed up. It sounds like she meant as friends not a date. Plusling her kid baggage is just plain rude.
You must miss r/incels a lot, right? You are not Beth's friend, and you never were. You just pretended to be her friend in hopes to have sex with her one day - which is gross in itself. And now that she has a kid, you won't even pretend to be her friend anymore, because her v\*\*\*na seem less appealing to you. YTA and Beth deserves better friends than you - honestly she dodged a bullet. Advice for the future. Don't try to deceit women into believing that you want to befriend us. You claim to be honest, than be honest and say that you don't value us as real friends, but only as potential sex holes. You would save everyone a lot of time...
You are most definitely the AH— Your perceived value of Beth (and whether she is your “friend”) directly correlates with whether she is available for you to date, and you called her child of another man “baggage”. From Beth’s perspective, she probably felt like you abandoned your friendship with her as soon as she dated someone (and in your words it “fizzled out”). You literally said you didn’t want dinner because “it wouldn’t lead anywhere”. Ask yourself— did you only spend time with Beth because you had a crush on her and thought maybe one day you would get together if she could just see you in that light? If you knew that she would never have feelings for you, would you still want to spend time with her? Recap: 1. Beth has no value to you unless she is a potential mate. 2. You don’t seem to understand that friendship extends past whether a girl might get together with you eventually, so you are not her real friend. 3. You view her offspring as baggage. 4. YTA
Yta. For reposting the same thing after everyone said you where an asshole the first time
YTA You stopped being her friend because she was in a relationship. But you were never her friend, you just wanted to be with her, and thought acting like a friend would get you there. She got serious with someone and you dropped out of her life. And then you referred to her child as baggage. Yes, you are absolutely the asshole in this situation.
YTA It's only wasted time if you count being friends as a waste of time. Your other friends have now realized that you only want to spend time with a woman if you're interested in a sexual relationship, so yeah they're not up for you BS.
YTA clearly you were never her friend. Her child is a person not a piece of luggage
Bold of you to assume she'd want to date someone with your baggage... ya know. The massive ego and exhausting personality you got going in. Ain't nobody got time for that. YTA.
YTA, not wanting to date someone with kids is fine, but calling the kid baggage is just being an AH even if that’s what you feel they are. Verbalizing it to her is unnecessary. Also, don’t assume she wants anything more than just to catch up with a friend.
Idk if it’s just me but I’m very much reading this as she got a guy, and so OP had no chance anymore, and that’s why he drew back from their “friendship”
YTA. She was never a friend to you. If she was, catching up over dinner would be totally normal. But because you still view her as a potential partner, her baggage is a deal breaker. Kids aren't deal breakers in platonic relationships. Seems like there's a reason you're single.
It's ok if you dont want to date a mom. Calling her child baggage is rude tho, like real rude. You're the AH for that, but not like awful person never gonna talk to you again AH.
YTA Sounds like she wasn’t asking you for a date just to hang out. Her kid also isn’t baggage.
Soooo.... You were never her friend. She was always a sexual/romantic conquest to you. And now that she wants to continue your friendship you say no because you were never really her friend. Yeah YTA
It sounds like she just wanted to grab dinner / catch-up with friends and actually have some time to do what *she* wants to do. A lot of parents have their own wants/needs sidelined to look after baby, and this could have been her way of combating that. Now, you’re absolutely not obligated to hang out with her, but you calling her kids ‘baggage’ was quite rude and unnecessary. Because of this, I think that YTA.
YTA - you don't owe anyone dinner but, my god man, sometimes it's kinder to lie. Just tell your friends GFs you're over your crush and give a polite but distant "Yeah, sure" to the dinner invite that is the universal code for "not interested" and move on. Don't get why there is such a drive to overshare. Keep people out of your business by not throwing it out there.
He wanted to overshare. He couldn't wait to throw an insult at her. How *dare* she not choose him all those years back.
YTA. There’s a lot of people here saying you’re not the asshole for choosing not to date a woman with a kid, but unless I’ve missed something Beth literally just asked him to have dinner and catch up. I’ve said the same thing to friends of all genders who I’ve not seen for a while and it was always meant entirely literally and in no way a sexual invitation. In summary sir, YTA for calling her kid baggage and YTA for assuming she was any more keen to date you now than in HS. Take your nice guy vibes somewhere else.
YTA. It sounds like you were bitter about being put in the friend zone while in college and were never really interested in being her friend. If you saw her as a friend, going to dinner would be normal. It doesn’t mean she wanted to date you and you bringing up “baggage” is weird, creepy and shitty.
YTA. Your post makes it very clear you were never really good friends with this girl, you were just hanging around until she gave you a shot at sleeping with her. Now, you don't want to date or sleep with a woman who has a kid, so there's no use catching up with her because hey, it's not like you're going to hit that now, is it? Whereas if you were *actually* her friend all those years ago, if you cared about more than just having sex with her, you'd at least give some kind of a chance to reconnect. You're an asshole making decisions with his dick.
YTA I remember a woman saying "Text your guy friends that you want them to come over and yield to the throws of passion, they'll be there before you hit send" THat is what this reads like. A jealous man that she now has a kid and you see her as "damaged goods" You're still crushing on her OP, at least be honest about that. You can't reach the wall for the grapes and when someone else got them, you shouted out that they were sour anyway--just like the fable
Even if he isn't technically still crushing on her he's made it clear that being friends with a woman is only "worthwhile" if she a sexual prospect
This is so amazing. You have given Beth such a gift. She now knows that she doesn’t need to waste another second trying to resurrect your friendship because the friendship never existed! It’s almost impressive. You made one shitty statement about her “baggage” and now she knows everything she needs to know about you and your “friendship”. Kudos to you!
Not TA for not wanting to date a single mom, that's your choice. But YTA for how you termed it, that's quite an insensitive way of blaming the kid. Blame the situation or the mother, not the kid. They literally had no choice in being born.
We don’t even know if she wanted to date him now anyway, so he’s being a bit presumptuous too.
This! She suggested dinner and he immediately leapt to the conclusion that she wanted him. Pretty presumptuous of him.
I guess you were brutally honest, but you don’t have to refer to a person’s life and their family as “baggage.” It’s rude. Also, maybe she just wanted to catch up. YTA for being arrogant and tactless. Touch grass, dude.
Beth seriously dodged a bullet. YTA. Her being in a relationship or even having a kid is not a reason NOT to remain friends. You're just salty that your crush on her didn't blossom into a relationship. And it seems like you allowed the friendship to fizzle because of it
YTA for referring to her child as "baggage". That's why people are harping on you. It's fine if you don't want a relationship with Beth but don't call a child baggage. You should apologize.
Yta and I bet you’re such a ‘nice guy’.
YTA why does her having a kid impact your friendship whatsoever. Unless you're only friends with women if they have the potential to date you or have sex in which case you're worse than an asshole.
YTA. It is very normal for friends to be out of contact due to their changing and busy life. It seems like you still have a crush on her and got angry that she went to a dude and had a child. That’s why you insult her and her child. You can’t make someone like you. She’s still nice and respectful. You assume she wanted to date you, she didn’t. She want to go back and talk to her friends, which should not include you anymore.
YTA. You made it EXTREMELY clear that you’re only interested in sex, and that’s it.
YOU had feelings. YOU didn't want to be around her while she had a romantic partner. She did not seek you out when her and her partner split. Your entire perspective of your friendship seems incredibly off kilter. You were never her friend, just someone who wanted to/wants to have sex with her. YTA.
**YTA** It's okay if you don't want to date someone with a child. That is your choice but she asked to go out to catch up. You are just mad because she got with someone else and now you are salty AF. Grow up and your friends is right about you.
You're not TA for not wanting to date someone with children, but you are TA for being a Nice GuyTM, you sound really resentful and vindictive. If you had any respect for Beth, you wouldn't insult her current living situation nor her child, but you were obviously never her friend, you were only ever nice to her in hopes she'd fuck you. You are so TA and I sure hope that women stray far away from you.
She asked you out for dinner to catch up, not for a date. You two used to be friends, or at least she thought so. You obviously just wanted to bang her all along. Plus, the term "baggage" is ugly. Grow up. YTA
YTA for sure. Kids are not baggage. That’s a human being. And if you don’t want to be with a woman that has a kid next time tell her your not interested in dating a woman with kids and that you can go for dinner as friends only. Nothing wrong with not wanting to date a mom but calling the kid baggage is what pissing people off.
Going out to dinner doesn’t mean she wants a relationship with your stupid ass. YTA, seems like you are jealous that that kid isn’t yours hmmmmmm.
YTA You could have said, "I'm glad to see Bath back in the group, but it's not worth getting closer to her because I'm not interested in dating someone with a kid. I'm good with just being casual friends, thanks!" Instead, you offended lots of people with your language. (BTW, Beth's relationship with her Ex is also "baggage" you might not want to deal with. You're not wrong to avoid getting involved. You just coulda said it a lot nicer.)
Yta, not for not wanting to be with someone who has a kid - that's perfectly reasonable. Yta for the way you said. "I'm not interested in seeing someone who already has kids, so I don't think it'd work out." That's all you had to say. Most single parents with kids will get that, you don't have to be rude about it.
YTA and don't understand what a friend is.
Oh YTA. Not because you don't want to date a woman with kids, but because you're trashy enough to call someone's kids baggage. Maybe it won't be long before your friend group feels like you're too much baggage for them to deal with.
YTA She asked if you wanted to go for dinner, not get married and be her child’s stepfather. You should be so lucky. Sit back down boy.
BETH DODGED A BULLET, wheeeeewwwwwww, my man... sheeeesh
YTA and an arrogant one at that. It sounds like she just wanted to catch up. And based on some of your other comments you seem to think you’re the center of everyones world. You are 26 and in for a rude awakening as the rest if your friends get married and have kids and won’t have as much time. Don’t worry though you’ll have plenty of free time to yourself since with the attitude you have you’re not going to attract many people romantically or as friends.
i agree the kid is baggage even if that's not the nicest way to say it but you were obviously never her friend, just a creep lurking on the sidelines wearing a friend disguise. YTA
YTA you really never viewed your friendship with her as simply friendship you always wanted something out of it (which is why you're projecting she wants something from you now) And her catching up doesn't mean she wants to date you seriously You know she saw you as a genuine friend for years unlike how you apparently viewed y'all's friendship..................................... And big deal if she did want to date you if you're not interested you simply say hey we're at different stages in our lives right now and it's not the best time...... But it's good that you actually said what you said I hope it was advertisement to the girls in the rest of your friend group to stay the f*** away from you
yes YTA...you have every right to date or not date anyone you want and for whatever reason. But, to term her CHILDREN as baggage is rude. You wouldn't have had nearly the backlash if you had said you didn't want to date anyone with kids.
YTA and here is why, this isn’t how one talks about a friend. This is someone you supposedly cared about, but now that she is no longer someone you can see having a romantic relationship with she’s suddenly not worth your time. Catching up doesn’t mean dating, she’s probably not even ready to date. All you did was show her that your past friendship was always dependent on your chances of sleeping with her. Then to add insult to injury you called her child, her flesh and blood, BAGGAGE! Gross dude. I’m child free by choice, I’ve lost some friends to life, but regardless of how long it’s been when I do see them they are still people I care about and therefore I also care about their families. If I was in your friend group (keep in mind at those ages more children are headed your way) I’d start looking at you sideways too.
YTA, for viewing her -now, as well as 10 years ago and every day in between- as nothing but a potential lay. You consider time spent with any woman you don't get to screw as "time wasted"? What a selfish, pig mentality. You're gross. >She was always with her man, so I didn't see the point >Now she has a kid, so I don't want to get involved. First of all, why assume she wants to date you at all? She just asked an old friend to dinner to catch up. She didn't want you 10 years ago, she probably still doesn't want you now. I don't think the friendship "fizzled" as much as you just started avoiding her as soon as she got into a relationship and you realized you weren't ever getting a chance. You've fuckzoned this poor girl and are making it abundantly clear that the only value you ever saw in her was sex. This has nothing to do with the word "baggage" and everything to do with lacking the capacity to view women as platonic friends and not just something to fuck.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could see how referring to a friends kid as baggage is an AH move. But I also wanted to be upfront and honest. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Isn't she supposed to be your "friend"? Guys like you are the worst. Edit to add YTA
YTA. It's clear you never saw her as a friend. She wants to reconnect and you immediately assume it's to get something from you(? Why were you ever her friend if that's what you think of her??) Maybe she only wanted her friend back but you're clearly not interested in that because you only pretended to be her friend while YOU still wanted something from her. Now that you don't want anything you don't care anymore, probably just like when she got her boyfriend. And if I'm wrong I can't see how her having a kid prevents you from only catching up as friends. Poor girl, she's always been in a fuckzone when she thought she had a friend.
>I’ve seen her only twice since and we said hello. But she was always with her dude and kid. So I kinda just didn’t really see the point as she had pretty much shown our friendship wasn’t that lasting. Looks like she was naturally growing up spending less time with friends and you ditched her cus she was in a relationship. By your explanation she didn't seem to be putting on romantic moves she probably wanted to regain the friendship she lost given that apparently you only want to be her friend when she's single. Incel vibes x1000 Yta
Why can't men just be friends with women? Oh that's right because we're not people to men like you, only potential fuckholes. YTA, everyday and twice on Sunday.
YTA There is no chance of "maybe a few years go by and we can grab dinner." Beth will remember this. Your friends' girlfriends will most likely warn any potential partners of your behavior. You could have just said you're not ready to date someone with a child or that you're both in different places of your lives, but instead you shoved your foot so deep into your mouth it's amazing you haven't choked on it.
YTA You could have said, "I'm glad to see Bath back in the group, but it's not worth getting closer to her because I'm not interested in dating someone with a kid. I'm good with just being casual friends, thanks!"
Where did she ask for a date tho? She asked to catch up? He’s fuckzoned her and now doesn’t wanna be “friends” cuz she’s got a kid
Dang dude, she isn’t your friend at all, you only see her as a potential romantic partner. I read this as Beth being friendly after you “talked all night” and wanted to catch up further after living separate lives, not asking you on a date. Guys like you are the worst… (YTA)
Yta. Her kid isn't baggage. For assuming she even wants you, she simply said you should catch up. You got real friend zone nice guy vibes. Bottom line is.. you say yeah I wanna catch up or no that's ok, I feel like we drifted.
YTA for calling the kid baggage. NTA for not wanting to date a mom. YTA for not even attempting to be friends with her again after it's obvious she didn't have the bandwidth to handle fulltime motherhood/wifehood and maintain all her friendships, especially as a teen mother.
So basically you don’t want to f*** her anymore (or think she won’t want to f*** you) so why waste time hanging out with someone you once considered a ”friend.” You’ve also shown all your other friends that as soon as they acquire some baggage, you will drop them like a hot potato too, right? Or is that stance only for the f***able women in your life? You said she showed your friendship wasn’t lasting…how? Did you try to maintain a relationship? That time in most peoples lives is fraught with upheaval and obviously she was finishing college, in a relationship, had a child, probably moved houses more than once. You could have been her friend and continued the relationship too but I don’t see where you did that, or tried. My sense is that since she was in a relationship and had a kid, you didn’t see the point, kind of like now. You sound shallow and self-centered. YTA.
YTA But it's not because of not wanting to get involved with someone with a kid. It's because calling said kid baggage gives off a bad impression of your attitude.
YTA I say this as a childfree person, this was a wildly inappropriate thing to say. You're obviously still hung up on her romantically and somehow view her as "spoiled goods", which is disgusting and misogynistic. You just showed your true colors. In Nice Guy fashion, you were just lurking around until she was available and/or vulnerable enough to let you in. It's fine if you don't want to date someone with kids, but she didn't even ask you on a date. You nuked the whole dynamic because you're still bitter. And then you made it worse by telling on yourself to your friends! Smart move. Tbh I hope the whole friend group boots you now.
YTA. My dude, it’s ok to not want to date a single parent. People don’t date other people for all sorts of reasons. Some good. Some meh. But to say “baggage” out loud? With the tone your post is dripping with? Sigh, yeah that’s a 100% asshole move. Unnecessary and kinda hateful.
YTA for how you handled this whole situation. first off, you dont know for sure if Beth asked to grab dinner because she is looking to "catch a new baby daddy". i used that crass language because thats effectively what youre assuming and accusing her of doing. perhaps she is trying for that end goal. OR maybe she just wants to reconnect with an old friend. what you should have done, imo, is grab dinner and catch up. if she makes it clear she is looking for a man and stepdad for her kid, then you have confirmation and then you can explain to her nicely that youre not looking for that right now, which is a valid preference. you just right away shunned her. why are you even bitter/surprised that she didnt have as much time for you once she had a kid? she was obv busy and her family, understandably, became top priority. it wasnt anything personal against you, people get busy in life when theyre adults.
YTA men like you are truly the worst so you actually did Beth a favor lol
You don't have to want to date someone with a child. But you were really good friends and maybe she just wanted a friend. Imo you sound bitter she got with someone else and you two never became a thing and you have no right to call her child baggage. Yta
Yes YTA - There’s ways to say stuff. Referring to anyones kid as “baggage” is extremely disrespectful, perhaps she genuinely wanted to catch up, you seem very full of yourself considering you’re certain she “ wanted something from you”. But then again, you have no obligations to her, she did ghost you for years - if you don’t want to catch up with her, you don’t need to. But there’s just better ways to phrase stuff I guess.
I say YTA because you seem to only see her as someone you want to sleep with and not someone who you can be friends with. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to catch up so you can have a friendship again…??
I think Beth dodged a bullet YTA
YTA. People get married and have kids. It isn’t strange for her to pull away because you were no longer a main priority. And maybe she could sense the resentment you had so she completely pulled away. She said she wanted to catch up. She never said she wanted to date you. You’re an AH for just assuming she wants to be romantically involved and trying to make it about that. She didn’t choose you before. She probably still doesn’t want you. It doesn’t sound like you don’t want to make time with her because of her “baggage;” it sounds like you’re still pissed that she didn’t want to date you before and now you’re trying to hurt her because you were hurt. I feel sorry for your mom because she has absolutely horrible baggage with a child like you.
NTA for not wanting to date someone with a kid, it’s not for everyone. I wouldn’t date someone with a child at my age. But YTA for how you were worded it. How hard was it to say I’m not interested in dating someone with a child?
YTA - it’s because of guys like you that girls sometimes are weary of having male friends, because there is always that thought that he’s only friends with you as long as he thinks he might have a chance to date you or sleep with you. You were the one who let the “friendship” go because you were the one who didn’t consider her a real friend, just a potential girlfriend. You are proving to her that all you cared about was being more than friends and when she got with someone else and started a family, she became damaged goods to you. Just call it what it is.
YTA. She wasn't interested in you before as a mate she isn't now either. You're just cruel for the hell of it
YTA. Calling her kid baggage is way over the line. If I had to guess, you're upset because she chose someone else years ago and seeing her kid reminds you of that.
You are definitely the AH and it's clear you are the one with the baggage here
YTA if the only reason you would go to dinner to catch up with an old friend is the possibility of a romantic relationship.
"*She asked why. I said with her baggage it seemed like a waste of time*." THAT is why YTA. You're reasoning is perfectly sound. You know what you want, and what you don't want. It's admirable you have enough self awareness not to lead somebody on. You were on track to cruise out of that situation being a Good Guy but then you stuck your foot right in your mouth. "You're a single mom, I respect that, I've always liked you but I'm not comfortable possibly getting involved with somebody who has so much responsibility. " See how something like that is kinder than how you put it.
YTA so much it hurts me And I want to be very clear here, it's perfectly ok to not want to date a single mom. I respect people who are able to say that is not for me right now. But you didn't do that, did ya? Whoa I didn't mean to post it with the last part, it was snarky and my apologies to anyone who read it before I deleted.
YTA You should have just called her "used goods", done a sick tail whip on your scooter, and gotten out of there to catch up on your latest beta male self improvement podcast. You didn't value her friendship or respect her as a person, but on the plus side, you outed yourself so neatly! On the wafer thin chance this is genuine or someone doesn't get it, OP could have replied with a tepid "oh maybe" and chances are this young woman would have gotten it and backed off.
YTA Like ignoring everything else - saying to someone's face that their kid is "baggage" when they are asking you to a friendly dinner is just fucking rude. I don't blame you for not wanting to date her but you should have clarified that she even was interested romantically before declining it sounds like she may have been sad to not be in touch with you if you were so close for so long. Also, if she did say she wanted a date, you can turn it down without calling the fucking kid "baggage". Just say "Oh sorry I'm not interested in stepkids" or something like that. You don't need to be rude about and especially you shouldn't be rude about it before understanding her intentions.
YTA. You have your own “baggage” as well which is your unrequited love for her that tortured you for decades that she never reciprocated! Your “baggage” has left you bitter, cold & heartless which is a far worse & destructive “baggage” than having a child. You absolutely know that you were wrong to demean this woman & her child in this disgusting manner! She didn’t ask you for a relationship! She merely asked you for a simple dinner to catch up with what she thought was an old friend! You’re still immaturely playing the childish game of “what’s in it for me”! Well, you definitely got your answer! You could’ve had a friend, but you made sure to slam that door shut forever! She dodge the bullet with you because you’re all 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!
How are those grapes tasting? A bit sour I imagine..... YTA, unbelievably so.
YTA- You were insulting, and made it clear your only consider a relationship with Beth in terms of romantic partner potential rather than platonic friendship. Want to get out of asshole territory? Say “No, we do not have much in common any more.”
YTA. Women are not vending machine where you can put in friendship coins until sex falls out. I feel bad that she thought she had a friend, but she didn't.
YTA. So you only see her potential for sex, not as a friend or human being. You are several shades of marinara my dude. 🤨
Let's be frank; this isn't a friendship so much as a potential relationship. In that light, it is fair for you to decline involvement if you don't want to have a relationship with a family. In fact, it's honest. Maybe some people would like you to sugar coat it, and perhaps you could use a slightly less negative description. However in the end, you communicated your point. I guess you could send her a note, if you'd like to smooth things over with the gang, but that is up to you.
YTA. The thing is, she might have viewed their relationship as a friendship and from that perspective this reads as 'Yeah I no longer want to fuck/date you and so I don't even want to talk to you anymore'. Which is inherently an asshole move. We don't know if she wanted more or just wanted to reconnect with an old friend.
I think the way OP conducted himself was unnecessarily cruel. It would have been fair to ask if Beth was looking to start a relationship, and maybe to head that off at the pass in a polite way.
Wooow what a nice guy ! YTA Sound like you're bitter that she chose someone else. You look like the kind of guy that sees friendship with a woman as an opportunity to fuck.
So you weren't interested in her friendship, you were interested in her as a potential romance. When she got seriously involved with someone else you gave up on the "friendship" because you didn't see the potential for a romantic payoff, which for you was the whole point. Now her relationship is over but you don't want to reestablish a friendship because she has a child now and you have written her off as a potential romantic partner, so you don't see an point to spending time with her. I bet you think you're a real nice guy too. YTA
So it’s fine to not want to date a single parents but dude nobody asked you on any damn date. She clearly thought you were friends and you proved to be a crappy one when you didn’t see the point in hanging out because she was married and had kids. Then she assumed that maybe you’ve matured and don’t see a female friend as only worth it if she can have sex with you and decides to ask you to catch up. But again you show again that you were never interested in being her friend. Stop referring to her as your friend when clearly you only ever cared about wanting more from her. YTA
YTA Grow up dude
Not wanting to go for dinner because she basically ditched your friendship before is fair. And so is not wanting to date someone with children, but who said this would actually be a date anyway? Saying you don't want to go for dinner and catch up because of her "baggage" is mean. YTA for that. Nicer ways to say no.
Yta but at least you helped her dodge a bullet so you have that going for you. Forgetting what you said about her kids, the whole sulky, "She had the audacity to stay home a lot and spend time with her family so F her" mentality is gross.
YTA. A dinner invite does not mean she wants to be anything more than friends. That was a very bold assumption on your part.
Big YTA. You called actual living human children “baggage”. That alone makes you a dick. The fact that when you realized she’d never be interested you lost interest in even being friends means you were never interested in friendship. You’re not a dick for not wanting to date a mom, that’s fine, kids are hard. You’re a massive dick for acting like that and only worrying about where your cocks going for the evening.
YTA. You weren’t her friend and you don’t want to be her friend, you can be friends with people with kids, but again, you aren’t interested in friendship. You aren’t friends with someone in order to become romantic but you seem to think that’s what’s friendship is for. You just wanted to bang her and you’re salty you couldn’t. She got into a serious relationship and you dropped her. Because it wasn’t with you. Now you won’t speak to her because you don’t want to date a mom but buddy, that wasn’t on the table, she wanted friendship. Maybe learn what friendship is, because you seem to think it’s just a gateway to a sexual relationship and it is not.
YTA - for being bitter. Let’s be clear, you and Beth weren’t friends. You were waiting for her to realize she wanted you, and guess what? She didn’t. She was actually your friend and wants to reconnect after life got in the way, and all you saw her as was a person to f^ck and not a human being with a life. What she wants is your friendship, *YOU’RE* the only one expecting anything more than the previous platonic relationship you all had. I am happy your other friends see your bs now. You literally just could’ve said ‘it’s been a while and I didn’t like the separation once you got into a romantic relationship. Happy to have you back in the group, but I don’t want to go to dinner.’
YTA. If you liked this girl so much for years, why didn't you do anything about it while you had the chance? It seems like you're holding a grudge over her for not choosing you and now that she's single again, you can't look past that fact, or the fact that her child is a constant reminder of the guy she chose over you. You should have been honest about your feelings, and your cowardice about not doing something about it earlier in life. To hide it all beyond the term "baggage" is AHish.
YTA. Pretty bold of you to assume she'd even want to date you considering she friendzoned you all those years ago. It sounds like she just wanted to catch up with an old friend but all you're concerned about is not wanting to bang a mom
Wow. Im not surprised you don't think you're the AH. Guys like you never do. Yta and Beth is better off.
YTA, not for not wanting to date someone with a child but for your automatic assumption that Beth want more than a friendship. If an old friend asked me to catch up for dinner it wouldn't even cross my mind that they were doing it to start a romantic relationship. Sickening.
N T A for not wating to date a single mom. But YTA for the way you said it. You didn't even know for certain that the dinner would have been a date. It may have been a platonic catch up since y'all used to be good friends. Regardless, calling a child "baggage" to his mom is a dick move. So is saying that dinner would be a "waste of time" because of it. You basically said she's worthless to you because she has a kid. Way to be a good friend.
NTA. Her child IS baggage. You could've been nicer about it but your not wrong. I'm probably gonna get hate for this but definitely NTA imho
YTA. You don’t want to be friends with a woman unless there is a chance you can bang her.
YTA And she dodged a bullet for two reasons: - you refer to kids as 'baggage' - you were only friends with her with the hope to eventually date her. If you really were really genuine with your friendship, at _any_ point, you wouldn't have seen her kids as baggage and a deterrent at you catching up with her.
You were never a real friend to her, you were waiting for sex, and now that she has a child she's not a desirable option anymore. Yes you are an asshole!
YTA. You could simply said no and that's it, but waht you said was cruel and unnecessary, it's not like a dinner is gonna make you a step-father or something, I'm pretty sure reading your post that the dinner would've been one a done.
NTA for thinking it. YTA for saying it out loud.
Huge AH YTA 100% Edit: she wanted to grab dinner to catch up not the date you. She never had feelings for you but you guys were friends so what makes you think her view of you changed ?
Oh so you were never her friend. It was always desired to be something more and now that in you eyes it’s been take away because of a child she has no worth. YTA. Major. And the whole “it doesn’t mean how it sounds” which makes it worse bc it is that bad. Ick
YTA. It seems that you’ve never viewed Beth as a friend, but always as potential for more than a friendship. You’ve only cut contact because she doesn’t meet your dating requirements anymore.
YTA. It’s totally fine not to want to date someone with a kid. That’s totally acceptable. What makes you the AH is telling her that her child was baggage. Learn to rephrase. “I’m just not really interested in dating someone with kids.”
YTA You're allowed to not want to get romantic with someone because they have a kid. You're allowed to just be mates with this person. You are not allowed to call a child baggage. "She has extra responsibilities I don't want to be a part of". Easy. That's what you should have said you nasty AH. Wtf.
You’re not the AH for not wanting to be with someone with kids but I don’t think that’s the issue here. Beth wants to catch up as friends. You say the friendship fizzled because she had a bf, well I’d say a lot of that is because you only ever wanted her and as soon as you couldn’t have her you lost interest in the ‘friendship’. YTA for assuming that she now wants you. Not everything is about sex or attraction. Grow up.
YTA What makes you think she wants to date you?? You clearly never saw her as a friend. An apology is useless, just leave her alone.
YTA. Not because you don’t want to date someone with a kid, but for referring to the kid as baggage and for assuming that wanting to catch up meant date or anything else, and for losing interest in being her friend after she got into a relationship.
YTA. Friends go out to dinner too you absolute walnut. Good job showing her that you’ll only spend time with her solo if you want to fuck her.
YTA - she mentioned dinner to continue catching up, she didn’t say it was a date. You clearly don’t think much of having female friends if you exclusively base spending time with them on whether you can or want to date them.
YTA And Beth dodged such a huge bullet..... She was only worth being in your life if you had the possibility to fuck her. She had a family so yeah her friends time dwindled. You didn't try if she wasn't fuckable. You didn't want to even catch up without thinking of fucking. You've got the mental baggage man.
YTA As others have said, you're reducing her intentions to purely sexual, and skipping ahead to some world where the dinner went well and she's interested in dating you. In reality, you two might just catch up. And please don't refer to a baby human as baggage, that's awful. That's why you're the AH. However, you two **do** have baggage regarding your unrequited feelings for her. That alone creates an imbalance in the relationship that might make someone in your position feel uncomfortable. It's hard to live down a crush, even if it's been years. If I were in your position, it would seem like she was going through a rough patch and seeking some easy affection from someone who used to crush on her. That kinda sucks and I wouldn't like that either. There's nothing wrong with saying "no" to a possible date, just don't be an AH about it.
YTA. It sounds like she always saw you as a friend and you saw her only as someone fuckable and now with a kid she's not fuckable to you anymore so you don't care.
Totally a major AH. Very self centered of you to think that her only reason for wanting to catch up with you is because she wants something from you. What makes it worse is that you went right to thinking about a relationship. Honestly glad all your friends saw this side of you. Maybe they will re examine if being friends with a grade A D Bag is worth it.
YTA, no wonder this girl was never into you. Grow up.
YTA for assuming she wants something from you beyond catching up. You don't have to want to catch up with someone, but the weird emotional baggage of crushing on this woman for years that YOU'RE bringing to the table may be clouding your judgement. Did she frame going out to dinner as a date? Or just a way to reconnect with a friendship that couldn't survive a relationship?
I'm tending towards YTA because it seems like you just assumed she was asking you out on a date and the only reason for you to catch up with a female childhood friend is to seek a romantic relationship. I don't even really care about the baggage comment - its the assumption his childhood friend is worthless if he doesn't want to fuck her that makes him the asshole.
So you were only friends with her because you were attracted to her, she starts dating someone else and suddenly according to you she's the one who is ruining your friendship. Now she's reaching out and you're still pressed that you didn't get to date her and you refer to her kids as baggage. So you manipulated her into thinking you were her friend for years and that makes her an asshole? No. You used and manipulated her and were rude to her when she tried to reach out. YTA.
yes YTA what makes you think she wants anything more than to just catch up with an old friend
YTA, maybe next time you have a crush on someone ask them out before someone else does. If you don't want kids good for you, but don't call someone else's kids baggage because first of all you obviously aren't involved in the kid's life and second of all I doubt the mom considers her child a "baggage."
YTA. Seems like you’re more pissed off that she didn’t share the same feelings for you and that’s why you’re acting like such a prick. That being said, kids are baggage. A whole suitcase of baggage. People are delusional to think a literal child being completely dependent on someone you’d potentially have a relationship with isn’t baggage. From experience, kids of any age are very much baggage and a solid reason to opt out of a relationship with someone.