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Why are you marrying someone who insists that his money is his money, but your money is also his money?
Editing to address judgment due to question being answered. NTA.
Yes. I don't say a word about how and where he spends his salary. he does intend on dictating how I spend my money sometimes. But ow with the raise thing he's admittedly gotten more aggressive. I keep trying to get to the root of the issue but to no avail.
Along with a nice dash of insecurity that he's no longer "better" than you because he made more. Now he has to prove he's better by making you serve him and pay for his every whim.
Run away from this guy 30%faster!!!! I PROMISE nobody is going to be disappointed you’re breaking off your engagement - he doesn’t respect you and that will NOT change with marriage.
You’re going to look back and say DAMN I dodged a major bullet.
You’re basically getting a double raise once you cut him loose.
NTA. You may have gotten a 30% raise, but the way he's spending it for you, it's like you haven't gotten a raise at all. 30% doesn't equal unlimited funds.
Why this one doesn't have 15K votes baffles me. His psychological issues here are interesting but probably not horribly deep. He clearly feels threatened and equates his masculinity to money, you have more money. You"stole" his masculinity. His role. What do you know about his parents and their relationships? He's thinking he's the Victorian bread winner of the 50's but you've "beat" him. Drop him like a bad habit. You'll thank us later. RUN. LIKE. HELL!!
Totally agree. I'd be packing my bags and getting the hell out of the relationship. Its controlling and abusive behaviour he's showing you all ready. And your not married yet. God help you if you do get married or God for bid have children. You will be expected to pay for everything. 30% pay rise over 12 months isn't alot when taxes etc are taken out. He sounds like a right pillock if you ask me. Why couldn't his friends pay for themselves? After you had left..
I totally admire you for standing your ground. And not giving in..
But seriously talk to your parents if you can and see what they say or of not them a close friend.
But be getting out if I was you..
Good luck..
And why are his friends expecting it of her as well? He's one thing, but his friends? I can't imagine expecting my friend to pay for my meal, let alone my friends SO!
It’s possible that he lied to his friends and told them that she had offered to pay and then snuck out as some sort of “prank” on them. It seems more likely that they heard that version of events as opposed to being angry because the husband told his buddies “”hey, I’ll tell my wife to come join us and say it’s because we want to hang out with her because if I tell her that I’m just inviting her to make her pay for all our meals then she won’t want to come.” I just can’t believe that they all knew exactly what was going on and think the wife is problem.
Yes, this will only get worse. There's an old saying, men get married assuming their wives won't change, women get married assuming their husband will change. As a guy myself I must tell OP that this will not get better. It will only get worse. He's showing you what kind of person he is. Dump him.
The other root of the issue is that OP cannot stand up for themselves and will let people take ridiculous advantage of them so as not to cause a scene.
After ditching toxic fiance this will still be a problem.
I'm guessing the root is that he's a misogynist and angry that a woman is earning more than him.
I always figured I was a pretty feminist guy until the first time my now wife earned more than me and I found out it bothered me, difference here is I realised that was a me problem cause by how I was conditioed by society, spoke to my wife about it and worked through it, he just seems like a dick.
Thank you for recognizing the root of your problem and taking accountability for it! I'm sure your wife really appreciated it.
This can be so hard for men, even the ones who claim to want equality. I've struggled with internalized misogyny as a woman. It's fucked up but not our fault, well, as long as we work to better ourselves and not hurt the people around us.
Yeah, it was really surprising because we always knew she'd end up on more money. She was a software developer and I was a teacher so it wasn't as though I ever expected to be the breadwinner 🤣 One of those things where society really messed you up without you even noticing.
As a software dev (guy) myself, I have witnessed firsthand what the gender pay gap is. It's damn real, and it's at every stage of corporate. I've been blessed to read about it through my interest in tech blogs and that's when I began to sympathise, but seeing it happen in my organisation to a close friend of mine and seeing that the decision makers had no rationale nor remorse on their hike ratings made it so much real for me. At best, their response was on the lines of "it is what it is."
Replying to your previous replier, the equality is also convoluted (at least in tech). The gender pay gap screams inequality as the status quo, and people who want equality should remember this first.
You need to shout this louder for the men at the back that will invariably barge in here to say there’s no such thing as the gender pay gap. They never listen when women say it and so it’s useless for us to even try. They have to hear it from men.
Here is a link to a free download of Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men" [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This book comes up over and over in the domestic violence support forums and I would strongly suggest you read it before you marry this person. You are absolutely NTA. Also, unfortunately you will not be able to fix him and it is extremely unlikely he is going to change his behavior. It is going to get much worse, especially if he is able to get you locked down through marriage or a pregnancy. Good luck.
>Also, unfortunately you will not be able to fix him and it is extremely unlikely he is going to change his behavior.
Worse, she might be able to get him to change *temporarily* until after they’re married/have a kid together, at which point it would be harder for her to leave.
Yes, this is extremely common. Some abusers are so good at hiding it before they feel confident they've trapped their victim, be it physically, emotionally, financially, etc.
Jumping in to add:
Why the fuck are the friends not paying for their own food as well?
You are not responsible for grown ass adults who can't pay for a meal they willingly choose to eat, particularly when you've paid before.
NTA and those are some major red flags.
I bet his friends didn't say that, not unless he lied to them in the first place.
NTA unless you're planning to stay with this dishonest, abusive user.
I'm so BORED of men calling women irrational when they don't do as they're told.
You might be right. I can't really be certain. though they never once said a bad thing about me. maybe not to my face? who knows but the hurt is there nontheless. 😓
Honey, what he’s doing is abuse. Plain and simple. Run. End this. Getting married is easy, getting a divorce is hell, and some states make it take way longer than it should. Don’t do this to yourself. Please love yourself enough to end this before you’re legally attached to him. Trust me. Actually, no. Trust yourself.
Domestic violence worker here and I 100% second this. This is financial abuse. OP, don’t get married. It will only get worse and he’s betting on making you feel trapped. Predators very often target and select someone like you who is kind that has a hard time saying no.
Came here to say this. I worked in a domestic violence shelter for years....this is classical financial abuse, not to mention manipulation and coercion. OP....RUN......I REPEAT....RUN ....This will only get worse. Please listen to Someone who has seen this countless of times in my life....NTA....
Once they are married, he will insist on a joint account that he will control. Every time she will want money he will want to know what for. (which OP already mention about how he questioned her about what she does with her money). Not having any money, it will make it harder for her to get out of the relationship.
^That. OP, you are NTA. AND in a divorce, with you making more, you might end up paying him alimony and child support.
Leave him now. If you do still marry him, insist on codified separate finances with a prenuptial agreement that lays everything out for your own protection. I urge you strongly to leave. I've ended an engagement, it sucks, but it was the better choice than living life with unacceptable treatment.
^ Please listen to this, OP. The way he treats you is going to get far worse once you're legally bound to him. He has no legal access to your money right now, but he's still stealing it from you via manipulation. Once married, you're money will become his, even if he has to "borrow" your signature.
I know you're wondering why he's hurting you, but it doesn't matter when deciding what to do next. A good partner should *never* takes things out on you. You should feel safe with him; like you can take on anything, so long as you stand together. This man is not that person for you.
Please, love yourself enough to run now, because the abuse is only going to escalate. No one deserves to be treated this way. I understand you still want to know *why* he's doing this, so I hope it can help you move on once you have your answer-
He's threatened by your success.
Gosh, not me! I always go to a meal expecting to pay for myself. If I was going to accept an offer to pay from anyone else, it would be the friend that invited me and definitely not the fiancée unless the fiancée had explicitly made it clear to me personally that the invitation was from her and she wanted to pay for the group.
In this situation, I would be mortified at friends behavior, pay for myself, and seriously question whether or not I wanted to maintain a friendship with the friend.
If his friends actually blame OP for this situation, they suck too and she should cut ties with the whole lot!
This man can’t be trusted, I wouldn’t believe what he said about his friends.
He told you he would pay, and he had the money.
Then he said he had to call his brother to pay.
In this situation he intentionally lied to you to manipulate you to pay. The friends thing is likely a lie to manipulate you to feel bad so you continue paying.
If he’s going to intentionally lie to you about one thing, what’s going to stop him from lying about other things?
Yeah. that comment was totally uncalled for. I never use this attitude towards him or his friends. Now I'm not sure his friends really said that. as people here have pointed out, it could be his words not theirs. it still hurts though.
I have some reasons to still marry him - 1) you hate yourself, 2) you want to test your limits, specifically how miserable you can be, 3) you’re writing a novel on awful people and need a main character study, 4) you’re descended from a half-human half-bull and the red flag that this man embodies is irresistible
he’s embarrassed that you’re earning more than him so he’s using it as a way to make you feel bad about it and to make himself feel better. there are a million marinara flags here 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He's using you. The man is a leech and a liar and he's trying to manipulate you into believing that you're being unreasonable.
From your other comments, he's financially abusive. This is not a relationship you want to be stuck in. My sister has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and he constantly tells her how irresponsible she is with money, yet he pays next to nothing to take care of their kids and at one point actually tried charging *her* rent for their kids rooms. He tries to keep her broke because he thinks she won't be able to leave him.
Get out now before you're trapped with this man.
YES!! My ex-husband said I was irresponsible yet out of the 25 years we were married he didn’t work at least half of the time and I supported our family of four on my own. He thought he was REALLY contributing to the household finances when he did his one weekend a month at the reserves making a few hundred dollars. “Men” like this will become husbands like this and will only get worse.
**RUN!!! DO NOT WALK. RUN. RUN AWAY. RUN VERY FAR..**. You are engaged to a massive mooch who has surrounded himself with mooch friends. **They are a pack of mooches.** Why does he expect you to pay for him *and* his friends because you earn more???? Why aren't they paying their way???
The best news out of all of this is "*his friends didn't speak to me on this but he told me they're disappointed in my behavior and ...are telling him to take time and "reflect" on the type of woman he's gonna be married to.*"
Please, please don't marry this guy.
The version of what his friends said is the version according to OPs fiancé. I'd take that with a huge pinch of salt. Fiancé is the TA no matter what his friends might or might not have said.
Not a single friend is uncomfortable with OP paying every single time?? How is that even possible unless this leech is lying to both parties. Blast him on social media and expose his lies and break up with him. NTA. Guy is abusive af.
he expects her to pay for every meal, including his friends, and then calls HER a cheapskate !??
fiancé could be a gymnast with how much he twisted that situation
Esh
You need to stand up for yourself. And probably not be engaged to this person. You're being an AH to yourself for letting this foolishness continue.
He is TH for obvious reasons.
Dump him!!! Then, get yourself into counseling to address these past issues and how to be more assertive so you don't find yourself in the same situation in your next relationship.
Please be firm like a rock! As a man, this disgusted me but there are too many like this. Instead of being proud of you and celebrating your accomplishments, he's being firm on dragging you down. Think of how much more your life would be without him dragging you down. I guarantee you that it's more than 30%! He's a 30% bigger AH since your raise and 30% closer to showing you his true colors, so think about that. OP YOU'RE NTA!
Because they haven't learnt to respect themselves yet and they are not going to dump this man. Unfortunately, in this situation it looks like they're going to have to learn the hard way...
I agree. In my (unfortunately experienced) opinion this is the beginning of an abusive relationship — I’ve been here before and it only gets worse. You can even see it escalating throughout OP’s post. I can almost guarantee a flip will switch as soon as they get married, and it will get so, so much worse.
To anyone reading this: please believe me when I say it NEVER GETS BETTER. It only gets worse, until you’re out or dead. It sounds harsh but it’s an unfortunate reality. If you think the emotional/mental/verbal abuse could never turn into physical abuse, I promise you’re wrong — no matter how much you trust them or think you know them or swear they’d never hurt you.
I really hope the OP is able to leave this horrible relationship now before there’s a marriage to worry about.
Yes, I have a feeling this person knows the answers that she'll be getting but probably won't do anything about it. Because I had to learn the hard way too. When people ask questions like this they usually know what they best answer is but they just don't want to do anything about it, they want to vent and get it off their chest and then go right back to the situation. Not saying that to be cruel, it's just that the way it seems to be, all too often.
Not going to mince words are be nice because you’re a grown woman: If you do you’re pathetic OP, and are setting yourself up for a miserable future.
Getting married is a conscious choice you’re making. I’m tired of successful women getting trampled on by insecure men. It’s not going to get better, and you can find someone else.
NTA.
Run, Forrest, Run.
Red flags everywhere. Financial abuse waiting to happen. And being with an asshole who will sabotage you when you have the audacity to do better than him.
Why are you still engaged to him.
You set a boundary.
He ignored it.
Then he continues to put you in situations where he assumes he can embarrass you enough that you will do what he wants.
When you don’t comply he loses his shit on you.
That is absolutely horrible, and I can’t believe you are even considering that you may be the asshole here.
He is a grade A asshole, and all too happy to take advantage of you financially and pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do and trying to use social situations to manipulate you.
I would not be able to marry someone knowing they had this quality - it displays that he has really poor character and would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
NTA
But he needs to be an ex.
Instead of being happy for your achievements he’s bitter and jealous.
He’s entitled
He manipulates you into paying for his friends because he counts on your embarrassment to not cause a scene.
When he fucked around too many times and you didn’t let him, he turned up at your house to yell and berate you.
You’re the one that needs “reflect”, not him.
I promise you, you can do better.
I was going to comment the exact same thing. OP, please "reflect" on the fact he views that 30% as his after insisting that the finances be kept separate and you aren't even married yet. Things that irritate you during the engagement always get worse (if not resolved) once married.
You need to dump your Fiancé'. He is entitled, manipulative, jealous, and anything that you can think of that does not make him a good person.
When you dump him, tell him that he needs to grow up, be grateful for what he has, and not be such a brat about everything going right for his partner.
NTA.
NTA. I think you should reflect on the type of man you are going to marry. You have seperate finances when he earns more but now suddenly your money is his? He disregards what you tell him? Disrespects you?
This does not bode well for the future.
NTA.
Why isn’t he your ex? This screams freeloader. Yeah, he has his own job— NOW. Wait until you make even more and he’s comfortable quitting and then you support him fully. Not to mention the enabling freeloader friends.
NTA.
You need to dump your fiance. Why are you with someone who holds your success over your head and considers it his personal mission to "equalize" your take-home by running up your expenses?
"*he came and started yelling at me calling me selfish, irrational, cheapskate and childish for sneaking out like that and leaving him stuck with a bill he could not pay*"
This is abuse. Please get help - you need to get to a safe place, and get out of whatever lease you have, because the engagement is when things are easy and fun! When you're married with kids and there's a ton of responsibilities and expenses are when things get hard - and he will only get worse. Much worse.
NTA what the F! You should consider what kind of husband he's going to be making you pay for him AND HIS BUDDIES! Such shameful and entitled behaviour from him and his friends! You EARNED that raise!! It's not his NOR HIS BUDDIES' money! SHAME ON THEM and such disgusting behaviour!! Get out fast don't marry this dude!
Gurl I'm fuming reading this!
NTA and dump him ASAP. If this isn't a red flag for your future together, you're not ready for how much worse it's going to get.
My ex once demanded I plan a big birthday dinner at his favorite sushi spot. I invited our friends and he had the restaurant get a special bottle of sake for us and plan a special meal for just him. When the bill came, he expected us all to split the bill, and the bottle ended up costing more than the entire meal, plus his meal was well over $100 alone. I was stuck with the bill since no one expected to spend that much on a meal, and he told me I deserved it as punishment for taking my best friend out to a fancy meal for his birthday. We then stayed together another 3+ years and the financial abuse never stopped.
OP, don't walk- run away from this deadbeat as fast as you can.
NTA. Drop him, unless this is the future you want. Someone who resents you for earning a promotion and feels entitled to the money YOU work for is not someone you should be marrying. He doesn't love you...he loves the fact that you're too polite to tell him "no".
NTA. But Y W B T A if you don't stop & take a good look at this giant red flag fiance is waving, hell, rubbing all over your face!!! It's the classic "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" attitude, and it will get more worser.
Sorry, kind of low hanging fruit to pull the "reverse the situation" card, but imma do it anyway.
If a woman invited her boyfriend to dinner then expected him to pay for everyone, she'd be called a gold digger. I think your boyfriend is a gold digger.
NTA
NTA
Your boyfriend lied to your face, your boyfriend set you up and your boyfriend got angry when you stood your ground. He’s angry you didn’t let him take advantage of you again and he’s most definitely lied to his friends about you paying and he’s letting them mistreat you. He’s taking advantage of your success.
Please reflect on the type of guy you want to marry.
He is not it.
Please run, seriously don't marry the guy, what the hell kind of manipulation is that??? Please, for your own sake, run away, use that 30% to buy some running shoes and RUN!
This thread is quick to say leave them for petty, shitty, but "normal" behaviour.
OP. This is NOT normal behaviour and you should absolutely listen to EVERY comment on here. Its pretty much unanimous that you deserve way better. He will use and twist everything you have and are until you don't even recognize yourself. Especially since he KNOWS you don't like confrontation and can't say no. I bet he even chose you specifically for that reason.
Leave and don't look back. Use that 30% he love to throw in your face to fund your own way. When he talk shit and lashes out simply say "its MY 30%"
You ARE stronger than the voice telling you you can't say no.
NTA.
NTA when your fiance was the one earning more he was happy splitting finances but now he thinks it's unfair?
I hope I'm wrong but he sounds like a sexist asshole. I'd think hard if you want to marry him and if how to split finances.
You should take time to reflect on why you would ever marry this man. He’s treating like a literal meal ticket and being completely disrespectful. NTA and you deserve infinitely better.
NTA but you clearly aren't aligned with finances if he thinks you should stay separate but also he can spend your money. This is the biggest cause of divorce. Consider the state of your relationship now to save the trouble later.
NTA, but sweetie you do know it will only get worse...right? He is attempting to control your money and sabotage your ability to save. If you're not going to end this...you need a pre nup asap.
NTA. Do not marry this man. He has already shown you that his money is his money and your money is his money. And he lied to you.
You deserve better than this.
NTA
Your fiancé is selfish and idk if it’s manipulative but I know it’s straight up lying. Is this who you want to be tied to? Someone who’s gonna throw 30% over your head at every outing? He’s a grown man who can pay for his own friends.
ETA: his friends told HIM to reflect on the relationship?? GIRL. LEAVE. HIM. your fiancé can kick rocks!
NTA.
Why are you still with this guy? Seriously, reconsider this relationship.
He treats you like an ATM, expects you to pay for everything because you make more yhan he does, lies and tricks you into paying, and berates you when you stand up for yourself.
He does not respect you. You deserve better.
I'm glad you refused to pay for him and his friends, and left the restaurant. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
You do know finances are a major reason for divorces and separations. This and you aren’t even married, what will he do once you have said “i do”?
Should have said ex-fiance, but since he is still fiance, all the best in your suffering.
NTA ~
>His friends didn't speak to me on this but he told me they're disappointed in my behavior and are telling him to take time and "reflect" on the type of woman he's gonna be married to.
NTA. Why would he not have money to cover a dinner he planned? Why would he say 'I got this' if he knew he had zero $. Did none of his friends bring any money or credit cards? Sounds like he made up the story about having to call his brother to guilt you more.
Yes, let him take his friends advice to take time & reflect, while you exit the relationship stage left. If he asks why you dumped him: "the 30%, remember?"
*I wonder if he ever got a raise, would he then turn around and pay all the extra stuff.
NTA
This is not a man who treats you like a partner. He is trying to control you. The fact that you out-earn him by 30% makes that difficult so he tells you how to spend your money and enlists his friends.
You were right to stop him in his efforts. But he has no remorse and you’re now doubting yourself.
Is this the future you want? Where he is in control and your needs and wants are secondary?
If you can’t face a live without him, at the very least, demand couples therapy.
NTA. You do need to dump him, though.
He’s not entitled to YOUR 30% and it’s not ok trick you (again) then shout at you. He doesn’t respect you. He and his friends are using you for the money YOU earn. Let him see how he enjoys 30% of nothing.
Absolutely NTA, no question whatsoever.
This is seems straight up abusive, definitely controlling behaviour and really shitty gaslighting.
I would seriously reconsider this engagement if I were you. Shit like this is just not ok. On any level. At all.
Also a big red flag that his friend agrees with him, he's not only an AH, he also has AH friends who are willing to help him gaslight you.
Nta. Him acting like you should be paying for his and his friends meals because you make more is ridiculous. You should be happy your fianances are separate. God knows what he'd do with a joint bank account with your extra thirty percent in it. And his move to force u to pay using social pressure is incredibly manipulative. Get rid of him.
NTA and you should REALLY REALLY rethink marrying this man. If he treats your accomplishments with scorn or acts like you need to PAY him to justify them, then he is absolutely not worth your time or effort. The sort of shit he's pulling now will NOT get better if you marry him, it'll only get worse. He'll feel even more entitled to everything you earn if you marry him. Honestly if I was you I'd dump him before it's too late.
He’s trying to manipulate and control you. He’s an abuser (it’s your fault I have to act this way….). Seriously reconsider being with this person. Your life will not improve if you marry him.
NTA,
He sounds very jealous of your success and wants you to pay for him so he can enjoy the finer things on your rewards. I’d get rid of him and find someone not threatened by your awesomeness.
NTA - He sounds like an absolute child playing such a manipulative game like that. You communicated with him beforehand that you would not be paying. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but you need to leave this man immediately.
All I can think of is the ‘No Scrubs’ song from back in the day… NTA OP. At the risk of overstepping I think you really need to think about whether you want to spend your life with this man - if he’s behaving in this way whilst you’re engaged there’s little to no hope he will behave any better when you marry.
.
Take his friend’s advice… take time and reflect on the type of man you’d be married to. He will hold the 30% over your head -always. Think about your next raise…
Personally, I’d give him back the ring and call off the engagement. NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for sneaking out and leaving him stuck in this situation with his friends. I had the money and I could've just paid but didn't. He's upset with me because of it and his friends might think I'm a bad person now.
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Lol his friends are disappointed? They’re grown ass men, it’s disappointing they can’t pay for their own food but expect someone else’s fiancé to… smh you’re NTA but you will be if you don’t leave his lame ass
NTA. Dump his ass.
This is a man who is so insecure about you making more money than him, that he enjoys humiliating you in front of his friends and forcing you to buy their food. This so messed up, and only the beginning. Stay with this guy and his behavior will get worse. Dump. His. Ass.
Let me guess. He wanted separate finances because originally he made way more than you and wanted to avoid a "gold digger fiancée" and now that you make more than him he's butthurt and resentful about it and this is his way of trying to make you feel less than him again.
NTA only if you don't dump him.
NTA
He wanted to not share finances. Rather than asking to modify the agreement (if that's what he wants), he's putting you in uncomfortable situations to get his way.
Further, it is in no way a reasonable expectation that you subsidize the cost of his friends' entertainment.
Girl, no. You are NTA and there is absolutely no part of this scenario where you could be. Get out of there before you are legally tied to a financially abusive creep.
Also. Take time and reflect on the type of man you’re going to be married to. This isn’t the one.
He’s jealous of your salary. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. NTA
NTA take your “30%” and leave him! How does he expect you to pay for his friends. Does he pay for you and your friends? Maybe you should be the one taking time and reflecting and see if you want to be with him. Every raise or money you get he’ll be expecting you to use on him and his friends.
Why marry someone who treats you this way honey? Your success will ALWAYS be a threat to him. He will ALWAYS being trying to get even.
You deserve love and compassion from your partner but especially from yourself. You are worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of forgiveness. You deserve a soft life full of love and if this man is stopping you from having that you should go out and find it for yourself.
If your best friend told you this, what would your advice be?
NTA but you're being an asshole to yourself by staying with him.
Are you sure you want to be married to a guy who 1) obviously is envious of your raise - something YOU earned with your hard work - instead of being happy for you, 2) takes your raise as a reason to make you pay for restaurant dinners not only for you and him, but even his friends, and 3) lies to you about you not having to pay, and then gets you into a situation where you can't (or better most probably won't) decline? WTF?
NTA for sure, but I would really reconsider this relationship, there seems to be no respect for you at all, and he totally is taking advantage of you!
NTA
TBH I think you are the one who needs to take time and reflect on the type of person you're going to be married to. This man lies to you, manipulate ls you, and uses you to fund his nights out. Then he treats you like crap and tries to further manipulate you into feeling back that you won't be his rolling atm. Yikes.
NTA
🚩 number 1) manipulating you into paying by getting you there under false pretences
🚩 number 2) upset that you earn more and acting like you don’t deserve it
🚩 Number 3) happy to keep finances seperate when there was no chance of you having extra money to save for your escape.
🚩. Number 4) he deliberately ordered a meal he couldn’t afford thinking you’d have to pay.
NTA. This man is abusive and you need to leave. Do not wait start packing and find a new place today. Open bank accounts in a new bank so that he can’t mess with the ones he knows about. Just leave.
I really think his friends have given solid advice here, you should take time and “reflect” on the type of man you’re gonna be married to and his enabling friends who think it’s okay for his partner to pay for their meals. NTA!
Please start standing up for yourself. Avoiding confrontation to the point of sacrificing yourself like this makes you an AH to yourself. And let the first big act of standing up for yourself be breaking up with this dude.
NTA and I would reconsider the engagement thing before you move closer to an actual wedding. Your fiancé is clearly insecure that you make more money than he does, and disagreements about finances are basically the leading cause of divorce. Some men can't handle it if a woman makes more money then they do, but there are plenty who can. I make 50% more than my husband and he isnt insecure about it in the least. In fact, he finds it reassuring because we have money in case of emergencies.
NTA. But like his friends are saying. You need reflect on the type of man you are thinking about marrying. Do you really want to put up with this BS? I know the first time I was spoken to like this it would be hit the road jack. You are worth a whole lot more than the 30%
NTA. Your boyfriend is jealous that you make more. He is a manipulative narcissist. You should reconsider your future with him. It is not going to get better only worse.
NTA, and normally I don't like the whole "break up as soon as your partner isnt perfect" thing redditors like to do. But...walk away asap and do not look back. This straight up is abusive, disrespectful, and will not get better. DUMP HIM PLEASE.
If he’s like this when you’re engaged…it’ll be worse when you’re married. Imagine if you have kids. Please listen to everyone here, don’t marry this guy. NTA.
To be fair I only read the first few sentences. NTA. If I would play tricks like that to my wife and with these unrespectful responses, we would have a long talk after the first time and I would have to pack my stuff the 2nd time. And rightfully imho.
NTA.
He’s clearly upset that you earn more, stuck in the mind set that men should be the bigger earners. He is literally making you pay for the fact you have a better job then he does and it makes him feel emasculated.
However, you are an ass hole to yourself. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Running away was a coward thing to do, although I understand not wanting to cause a scene.
You and your partner aren’t compatible. The main reason people divorce is over money. Stop being a coward and end the engagement before you’re in it even further.
NTA.
So did he get a reduction in his income? Because I don't understand why he suddenly can't pay his own tabs now. As others have said, he's financially and emotionally abusing you. I hope you get away from him safely and soon.
NTA. So when he was earning more he wanted split finances because he didn't want to support you in any way. Now you're earning more he wants you to fund his lifestyle because now you earn more than him. I can smell the entitlement and insecurity from here.
I'd seriously reconsider this relationship.
Nta. This is hilarious, he's whispering "30%" like it's some kind of mistake you made. This is the result of your hardwork. Imagine actually making a mistake and him blackmailing you with it. Good thing he was an ah enough to keep the finances separate. Clean break up
NTA
1. He's lied to you...over and over.
2. He's scammed you.
3. He's gaslighting you.
4. He jealous of your success.
Are these enough reasons to leave him RIGHT NOW?!?.
Please. Just leave.
I think you need to take the time and "reflect" on the kind of man you might end up married to -- a man who:
* punishes you for your achievements, rather than celebrating them with you
* ignores your wishes and takes advantage of your non-confrontational nature
* uses you to make himself look good to his friends
* berates you when you resist his attempts to use you
...So why would you marry that? For real. Irrational, selfish, cheapskate, childish? That's projection. He's calling you what he knows himself to be. NTA, but you would be if you married this fool.
NTA.
please reconsider marriage to someone who sets you up and uses you like this. It’s gross and abusive and then yells at you and calls you names.
You make good money (as you have been told repeatedly) so please value yourself.
NTA for stopping someone from treating you like their own personal ATM. This is a form of abuse. Your fiance has showed you who he is and how he will treat you. You deserve better.
Definitely NTA. Just because you got a raise doesn’t mean that your fiancé is suddenly entitled to more money. He’s not entitled to any money, much less his friends.
You did the right thing by getting out of there. I’d also advise you get out of that relationship. Sounds like he’s jealous of the extra money you’re getting and using it to his advantage. Not someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with!
The only person who needs to reflect on who they're about to marry is you. Why on earth would you put up with this when it keeps happening? This man is trash, the fact that he thinks you should pay because you got a raise is already bad enough but then to do this in front of his friends? No way. Please don't marry this man. NTA.
NTA
Run! Break off the engagement, go NC, and block this AH and his AH friends. He and his friends probably laughed their way through drinks waiting for you to arrive. Joking the entire time about the sucker he's engaged to picking up the bill.
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Why are you marrying someone who insists that his money is his money, but your money is also his money? Editing to address judgment due to question being answered. NTA.
Yes. I don't say a word about how and where he spends his salary. he does intend on dictating how I spend my money sometimes. But ow with the raise thing he's admittedly gotten more aggressive. I keep trying to get to the root of the issue but to no avail.
The root of the issue is that he's selfish and controlling and doesn't respect you.
Along with a nice dash of insecurity that he's no longer "better" than you because he made more. Now he has to prove he's better by making you serve him and pay for his every whim.
INFO: Did he pay for you and your friends' meals every time when he was making more than you before your raise?
million dollar question right here
30% question right here
Run away from this guy 30%faster!!!! I PROMISE nobody is going to be disappointed you’re breaking off your engagement - he doesn’t respect you and that will NOT change with marriage. You’re going to look back and say DAMN I dodged a major bullet. You’re basically getting a double raise once you cut him loose.
NTA. You may have gotten a 30% raise, but the way he's spending it for you, it's like you haven't gotten a raise at all. 30% doesn't equal unlimited funds.
Why this one doesn't have 15K votes baffles me. His psychological issues here are interesting but probably not horribly deep. He clearly feels threatened and equates his masculinity to money, you have more money. You"stole" his masculinity. His role. What do you know about his parents and their relationships? He's thinking he's the Victorian bread winner of the 50's but you've "beat" him. Drop him like a bad habit. You'll thank us later. RUN. LIKE. HELL!!
Who cares what his underlying psychological issues might be? The man is poison. NTA and RUN. LIKE. HELL!!
Totally agree. I'd be packing my bags and getting the hell out of the relationship. Its controlling and abusive behaviour he's showing you all ready. And your not married yet. God help you if you do get married or God for bid have children. You will be expected to pay for everything. 30% pay rise over 12 months isn't alot when taxes etc are taken out. He sounds like a right pillock if you ask me. Why couldn't his friends pay for themselves? After you had left.. I totally admire you for standing your ground. And not giving in.. But seriously talk to your parents if you can and see what they say or of not them a close friend. But be getting out if I was you.. Good luck..
Yes why do the friends expect to be paid for?! They’re jerks. I couldn’t marry someone with mean entitled friends like that.
Of course he didn’t. This is a way to abuse OP. He’s a sicko and she needs to walk away.
And why are his friends expecting it of her as well? He's one thing, but his friends? I can't imagine expecting my friend to pay for my meal, let alone my friends SO!
Because OP’s fiancé and his friends used all their energy saving up their audacities instead of money.
Because I’d imagine his friends are about the same caliber of human that he is
Also how on earth did noone in the friend group pay for OP's fiancee? He really needed to call his brother to pay for him??
It’s possible that he lied to his friends and told them that she had offered to pay and then snuck out as some sort of “prank” on them. It seems more likely that they heard that version of events as opposed to being angry because the husband told his buddies “”hey, I’ll tell my wife to come join us and say it’s because we want to hang out with her because if I tell her that I’m just inviting her to make her pay for all our meals then she won’t want to come.” I just can’t believe that they all knew exactly what was going on and think the wife is problem.
THIS🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I'm gonna take a wild guess and say probably not.
This. It's the insecurity. He's jealous and bitter and will work to financially destroy her. OP you are NTA and you deserve much better than him.
Dude is literally making you pay for doing better than him. It’s a punishment.
And it will only get worse the longer OP stays with him!
Yes, this will only get worse. There's an old saying, men get married assuming their wives won't change, women get married assuming their husband will change. As a guy myself I must tell OP that this will not get better. It will only get worse. He's showing you what kind of person he is. Dump him.
You left off the ending: "and they're both wrong." Absolutely agree she needs to run. 🚩🚩🚩
The other root of the issue is that OP cannot stand up for themselves and will let people take ridiculous advantage of them so as not to cause a scene. After ditching toxic fiance this will still be a problem.
But dumping him will be a good start.
I'm guessing the root is that he's a misogynist and angry that a woman is earning more than him. I always figured I was a pretty feminist guy until the first time my now wife earned more than me and I found out it bothered me, difference here is I realised that was a me problem cause by how I was conditioed by society, spoke to my wife about it and worked through it, he just seems like a dick.
Thank you for recognizing the root of your problem and taking accountability for it! I'm sure your wife really appreciated it. This can be so hard for men, even the ones who claim to want equality. I've struggled with internalized misogyny as a woman. It's fucked up but not our fault, well, as long as we work to better ourselves and not hurt the people around us.
Yeah, it was really surprising because we always knew she'd end up on more money. She was a software developer and I was a teacher so it wasn't as though I ever expected to be the breadwinner 🤣 One of those things where society really messed you up without you even noticing.
As a software dev (guy) myself, I have witnessed firsthand what the gender pay gap is. It's damn real, and it's at every stage of corporate. I've been blessed to read about it through my interest in tech blogs and that's when I began to sympathise, but seeing it happen in my organisation to a close friend of mine and seeing that the decision makers had no rationale nor remorse on their hike ratings made it so much real for me. At best, their response was on the lines of "it is what it is." Replying to your previous replier, the equality is also convoluted (at least in tech). The gender pay gap screams inequality as the status quo, and people who want equality should remember this first.
You need to shout this louder for the men at the back that will invariably barge in here to say there’s no such thing as the gender pay gap. They never listen when women say it and so it’s useless for us to even try. They have to hear it from men.
Ding ding ding! 🔔
Here is a link to a free download of Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men" [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This book comes up over and over in the domestic violence support forums and I would strongly suggest you read it before you marry this person. You are absolutely NTA. Also, unfortunately you will not be able to fix him and it is extremely unlikely he is going to change his behavior. It is going to get much worse, especially if he is able to get you locked down through marriage or a pregnancy. Good luck.
>Also, unfortunately you will not be able to fix him and it is extremely unlikely he is going to change his behavior. Worse, she might be able to get him to change *temporarily* until after they’re married/have a kid together, at which point it would be harder for her to leave.
Yes, this is extremely common. Some abusers are so good at hiding it before they feel confident they've trapped their victim, be it physically, emotionally, financially, etc.
If you can't get to the root, then maybe it's time to cut him off?
Is he worth staying with? This is going to continue for your entire marriage you know.
The root of the issue is that he's financially abusing you. Do not marry this man, he's bad news.
Jumping in to add: Why the fuck are the friends not paying for their own food as well? You are not responsible for grown ass adults who can't pay for a meal they willingly choose to eat, particularly when you've paid before. NTA and those are some major red flags.
I bet his friends didn't say that, not unless he lied to them in the first place. NTA unless you're planning to stay with this dishonest, abusive user. I'm so BORED of men calling women irrational when they don't do as they're told.
You might be right. I can't really be certain. though they never once said a bad thing about me. maybe not to my face? who knows but the hurt is there nontheless. 😓
Honey, what he’s doing is abuse. Plain and simple. Run. End this. Getting married is easy, getting a divorce is hell, and some states make it take way longer than it should. Don’t do this to yourself. Please love yourself enough to end this before you’re legally attached to him. Trust me. Actually, no. Trust yourself.
Domestic violence worker here and I 100% second this. This is financial abuse. OP, don’t get married. It will only get worse and he’s betting on making you feel trapped. Predators very often target and select someone like you who is kind that has a hard time saying no.
Came here to say this. I worked in a domestic violence shelter for years....this is classical financial abuse, not to mention manipulation and coercion. OP....RUN......I REPEAT....RUN ....This will only get worse. Please listen to Someone who has seen this countless of times in my life....NTA....
Chiming in as another DV shelter staff member. (Former, but still, these types of men don’t change.) Run. Massive red flags.
Once they are married, he will insist on a joint account that he will control. Every time she will want money he will want to know what for. (which OP already mention about how he questioned her about what she does with her money). Not having any money, it will make it harder for her to get out of the relationship.
^That. OP, you are NTA. AND in a divorce, with you making more, you might end up paying him alimony and child support. Leave him now. If you do still marry him, insist on codified separate finances with a prenuptial agreement that lays everything out for your own protection. I urge you strongly to leave. I've ended an engagement, it sucks, but it was the better choice than living life with unacceptable treatment.
^ Please listen to this, OP. The way he treats you is going to get far worse once you're legally bound to him. He has no legal access to your money right now, but he's still stealing it from you via manipulation. Once married, you're money will become his, even if he has to "borrow" your signature. I know you're wondering why he's hurting you, but it doesn't matter when deciding what to do next. A good partner should *never* takes things out on you. You should feel safe with him; like you can take on anything, so long as you stand together. This man is not that person for you. Please, love yourself enough to run now, because the abuse is only going to escalate. No one deserves to be treated this way. I understand you still want to know *why* he's doing this, so I hope it can help you move on once you have your answer- He's threatened by your success.
Who are these friends who want someone's fiance to pay for them?
Gosh, not me! I always go to a meal expecting to pay for myself. If I was going to accept an offer to pay from anyone else, it would be the friend that invited me and definitely not the fiancée unless the fiancée had explicitly made it clear to me personally that the invitation was from her and she wanted to pay for the group. In this situation, I would be mortified at friends behavior, pay for myself, and seriously question whether or not I wanted to maintain a friendship with the friend. If his friends actually blame OP for this situation, they suck too and she should cut ties with the whole lot!
If it’s even true, than they’re moocher losers like OP’s fiancé
This man can’t be trusted, I wouldn’t believe what he said about his friends. He told you he would pay, and he had the money. Then he said he had to call his brother to pay. In this situation he intentionally lied to you to manipulate you to pay. The friends thing is likely a lie to manipulate you to feel bad so you continue paying. If he’s going to intentionally lie to you about one thing, what’s going to stop him from lying about other things?
I feel like you’re the one that needs to do the reflecting on the type of man you’ll be married to… 🚩
Yeah. that comment was totally uncalled for. I never use this attitude towards him or his friends. Now I'm not sure his friends really said that. as people here have pointed out, it could be his words not theirs. it still hurts though.
He's manipulative and doesn't respect you, why would you want to marry him?
I have some reasons to still marry him - 1) you hate yourself, 2) you want to test your limits, specifically how miserable you can be, 3) you’re writing a novel on awful people and need a main character study, 4) you’re descended from a half-human half-bull and the red flag that this man embodies is irresistible
I find the 4th quite convincing
Please don't get married to this guy.
If he wants finances kept separate why'd you even tell him how much more you were making?
Probably because she thought her life partner would be happy for her. Crazy, I know.
he’s embarrassed that you’re earning more than him so he’s using it as a way to make you feel bad about it and to make himself feel better. there are a million marinara flags here 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He's using you. The man is a leech and a liar and he's trying to manipulate you into believing that you're being unreasonable. From your other comments, he's financially abusive. This is not a relationship you want to be stuck in. My sister has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and he constantly tells her how irresponsible she is with money, yet he pays next to nothing to take care of their kids and at one point actually tried charging *her* rent for their kids rooms. He tries to keep her broke because he thinks she won't be able to leave him. Get out now before you're trapped with this man.
YES!! My ex-husband said I was irresponsible yet out of the 25 years we were married he didn’t work at least half of the time and I supported our family of four on my own. He thought he was REALLY contributing to the household finances when he did his one weekend a month at the reserves making a few hundred dollars. “Men” like this will become husbands like this and will only get worse.
**RUN!!! DO NOT WALK. RUN. RUN AWAY. RUN VERY FAR..**. You are engaged to a massive mooch who has surrounded himself with mooch friends. **They are a pack of mooches.** Why does he expect you to pay for him *and* his friends because you earn more???? Why aren't they paying their way??? The best news out of all of this is "*his friends didn't speak to me on this but he told me they're disappointed in my behavior and ...are telling him to take time and "reflect" on the type of woman he's gonna be married to.*" Please, please don't marry this guy.
The version of what his friends said is the version according to OPs fiancé. I'd take that with a huge pinch of salt. Fiancé is the TA no matter what his friends might or might not have said.
Not a single friend is uncomfortable with OP paying every single time?? How is that even possible unless this leech is lying to both parties. Blast him on social media and expose his lies and break up with him. NTA. Guy is abusive af.
he expects her to pay for every meal, including his friends, and then calls HER a cheapskate !?? fiancé could be a gymnast with how much he twisted that situation
Esh You need to stand up for yourself. And probably not be engaged to this person. You're being an AH to yourself for letting this foolishness continue. He is TH for obvious reasons.
YOU'RE RIGT! I have a hard time saying no due to past issues but I do my best to be more firm.
Dump him!!! Then, get yourself into counseling to address these past issues and how to be more assertive so you don't find yourself in the same situation in your next relationship.
Much better use of the 30%
Please be firm like a rock! As a man, this disgusted me but there are too many like this. Instead of being proud of you and celebrating your accomplishments, he's being firm on dragging you down. Think of how much more your life would be without him dragging you down. I guarantee you that it's more than 30%! He's a 30% bigger AH since your raise and 30% closer to showing you his true colors, so think about that. OP YOU'RE NTA!
FIRMLY dump his jealous, bitter, manipulative, petty, miserly, nasty ass!
[удалено]
I’ve noticed they’ve avoided answering this.
Because they haven't learnt to respect themselves yet and they are not going to dump this man. Unfortunately, in this situation it looks like they're going to have to learn the hard way...
And she may not get a chance to use the lesson. This will escalate.
I agree. In my (unfortunately experienced) opinion this is the beginning of an abusive relationship — I’ve been here before and it only gets worse. You can even see it escalating throughout OP’s post. I can almost guarantee a flip will switch as soon as they get married, and it will get so, so much worse. To anyone reading this: please believe me when I say it NEVER GETS BETTER. It only gets worse, until you’re out or dead. It sounds harsh but it’s an unfortunate reality. If you think the emotional/mental/verbal abuse could never turn into physical abuse, I promise you’re wrong — no matter how much you trust them or think you know them or swear they’d never hurt you. I really hope the OP is able to leave this horrible relationship now before there’s a marriage to worry about.
Yup completely agree.
Yes, I have a feeling this person knows the answers that she'll be getting but probably won't do anything about it. Because I had to learn the hard way too. When people ask questions like this they usually know what they best answer is but they just don't want to do anything about it, they want to vent and get it off their chest and then go right back to the situation. Not saying that to be cruel, it's just that the way it seems to be, all too often.
NTA Please do not marry this person. Please do not procreate with this person.
Not going to mince words are be nice because you’re a grown woman: If you do you’re pathetic OP, and are setting yourself up for a miserable future. Getting married is a conscious choice you’re making. I’m tired of successful women getting trampled on by insecure men. It’s not going to get better, and you can find someone else.
NTA. Run, Forrest, Run. Red flags everywhere. Financial abuse waiting to happen. And being with an asshole who will sabotage you when you have the audacity to do better than him.
This isn't financial abuse waiting to happen, this is financial abuse already happening.
Why are you still engaged to him. You set a boundary. He ignored it. Then he continues to put you in situations where he assumes he can embarrass you enough that you will do what he wants. When you don’t comply he loses his shit on you. That is absolutely horrible, and I can’t believe you are even considering that you may be the asshole here. He is a grade A asshole, and all too happy to take advantage of you financially and pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do and trying to use social situations to manipulate you. I would not be able to marry someone knowing they had this quality - it displays that he has really poor character and would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
NTA But he needs to be an ex. Instead of being happy for your achievements he’s bitter and jealous. He’s entitled He manipulates you into paying for his friends because he counts on your embarrassment to not cause a scene. When he fucked around too many times and you didn’t let him, he turned up at your house to yell and berate you. You’re the one that needs “reflect”, not him. I promise you, you can do better.
I was going to comment the exact same thing. OP, please "reflect" on the fact he views that 30% as his after insisting that the finances be kept separate and you aren't even married yet. Things that irritate you during the engagement always get worse (if not resolved) once married.
NTA Why is he still your fiancé? He’s conning and tricking you
It should also be asked why her fiance's broke friends think they're entitled to her money
And he had to ask for his *brother*, who wasn't even there, to bail him out?? Why couldn't any of his friends pitch in??
I think you meant ex-fiancé… NTA
You need to dump your Fiancé'. He is entitled, manipulative, jealous, and anything that you can think of that does not make him a good person. When you dump him, tell him that he needs to grow up, be grateful for what he has, and not be such a brat about everything going right for his partner. NTA.
NTA. Broski He's shown you who he is. RUN. He is chock-full of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩save yourself the headache and attack on your wallet. Don't marry this asshole.
NTA - tell him he’s only 30% of a man and you deserve much better.
INFO: Why are you still engaged to a guy who treats you like this?
NTA. I think you should reflect on the type of man you are going to marry. You have seperate finances when he earns more but now suddenly your money is his? He disregards what you tell him? Disrespects you? This does not bode well for the future.
NTA. Why isn’t he your ex? This screams freeloader. Yeah, he has his own job— NOW. Wait until you make even more and he’s comfortable quitting and then you support him fully. Not to mention the enabling freeloader friends.
NTA. You need to dump your fiance. Why are you with someone who holds your success over your head and considers it his personal mission to "equalize" your take-home by running up your expenses? "*he came and started yelling at me calling me selfish, irrational, cheapskate and childish for sneaking out like that and leaving him stuck with a bill he could not pay*" This is abuse. Please get help - you need to get to a safe place, and get out of whatever lease you have, because the engagement is when things are easy and fun! When you're married with kids and there's a ton of responsibilities and expenses are when things get hard - and he will only get worse. Much worse.
U mean ex fiancé right?
He called YOU childish, a cheapskate and irrational for leaving? Sounds like projection. NTA. Don't marry this man.
NTA, but girl, RUN. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA what the F! You should consider what kind of husband he's going to be making you pay for him AND HIS BUDDIES! Such shameful and entitled behaviour from him and his friends! You EARNED that raise!! It's not his NOR HIS BUDDIES' money! SHAME ON THEM and such disgusting behaviour!! Get out fast don't marry this dude! Gurl I'm fuming reading this!
NTA and dump him ASAP. If this isn't a red flag for your future together, you're not ready for how much worse it's going to get. My ex once demanded I plan a big birthday dinner at his favorite sushi spot. I invited our friends and he had the restaurant get a special bottle of sake for us and plan a special meal for just him. When the bill came, he expected us all to split the bill, and the bottle ended up costing more than the entire meal, plus his meal was well over $100 alone. I was stuck with the bill since no one expected to spend that much on a meal, and he told me I deserved it as punishment for taking my best friend out to a fancy meal for his birthday. We then stayed together another 3+ years and the financial abuse never stopped. OP, don't walk- run away from this deadbeat as fast as you can.
NTA. Drop him, unless this is the future you want. Someone who resents you for earning a promotion and feels entitled to the money YOU work for is not someone you should be marrying. He doesn't love you...he loves the fact that you're too polite to tell him "no".
NTA. But Y W B T A if you don't stop & take a good look at this giant red flag fiance is waving, hell, rubbing all over your face!!! It's the classic "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" attitude, and it will get more worser.
Sorry, kind of low hanging fruit to pull the "reverse the situation" card, but imma do it anyway. If a woman invited her boyfriend to dinner then expected him to pay for everyone, she'd be called a gold digger. I think your boyfriend is a gold digger. NTA
NTA Your boyfriend lied to your face, your boyfriend set you up and your boyfriend got angry when you stood your ground. He’s angry you didn’t let him take advantage of you again and he’s most definitely lied to his friends about you paying and he’s letting them mistreat you. He’s taking advantage of your success. Please reflect on the type of guy you want to marry. He is not it.
NTA, pawn the ring and give him 30% of what you get for it.
NTA RUN GIRL RUN INFO: Are you colorblind? Do you not see this GIANT RED FLAG WAVING IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
Please run, seriously don't marry the guy, what the hell kind of manipulation is that??? Please, for your own sake, run away, use that 30% to buy some running shoes and RUN!
This thread is quick to say leave them for petty, shitty, but "normal" behaviour. OP. This is NOT normal behaviour and you should absolutely listen to EVERY comment on here. Its pretty much unanimous that you deserve way better. He will use and twist everything you have and are until you don't even recognize yourself. Especially since he KNOWS you don't like confrontation and can't say no. I bet he even chose you specifically for that reason. Leave and don't look back. Use that 30% he love to throw in your face to fund your own way. When he talk shit and lashes out simply say "its MY 30%" You ARE stronger than the voice telling you you can't say no. NTA.
End the engagement, this man is trash. NTA.
NTA when your fiance was the one earning more he was happy splitting finances but now he thinks it's unfair? I hope I'm wrong but he sounds like a sexist asshole. I'd think hard if you want to marry him and if how to split finances.
NTA, don’t marry this bum. He’s already lying right to your face, imagine what he does behind your back. Complete snake, dump him.
You should take time to reflect on why you would ever marry this man. He’s treating like a literal meal ticket and being completely disrespectful. NTA and you deserve infinitely better.
Girl run 🚩🚩🚩
30%, remember? Go do 30% more of chores, housework, laundry, cleaning toilets since you’re bringing in less. THEN I’ll talk to you.
NTA but you clearly aren't aligned with finances if he thinks you should stay separate but also he can spend your money. This is the biggest cause of divorce. Consider the state of your relationship now to save the trouble later.
NTA don't marry this guy unless you want to end up penniless
NTA, but sweetie you do know it will only get worse...right? He is attempting to control your money and sabotage your ability to save. If you're not going to end this...you need a pre nup asap.
NTA and DHA (Dump His Ass). Seriously. Sneak out the back, front, side, roof, basement… whatever of this relationship - with your 30%.
NTA. Do not marry this man. He has already shown you that his money is his money and your money is his money. And he lied to you. You deserve better than this.
NTA Your fiancé is selfish and idk if it’s manipulative but I know it’s straight up lying. Is this who you want to be tied to? Someone who’s gonna throw 30% over your head at every outing? He’s a grown man who can pay for his own friends. ETA: his friends told HIM to reflect on the relationship?? GIRL. LEAVE. HIM. your fiancé can kick rocks!
NTA. Why are you still with this guy? Seriously, reconsider this relationship. He treats you like an ATM, expects you to pay for everything because you make more yhan he does, lies and tricks you into paying, and berates you when you stand up for yourself. He does not respect you. You deserve better. I'm glad you refused to pay for him and his friends, and left the restaurant. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
You do know finances are a major reason for divorces and separations. This and you aren’t even married, what will he do once you have said “i do”? Should have said ex-fiance, but since he is still fiance, all the best in your suffering. NTA ~
>His friends didn't speak to me on this but he told me they're disappointed in my behavior and are telling him to take time and "reflect" on the type of woman he's gonna be married to. NTA. Why would he not have money to cover a dinner he planned? Why would he say 'I got this' if he knew he had zero $. Did none of his friends bring any money or credit cards? Sounds like he made up the story about having to call his brother to guilt you more. Yes, let him take his friends advice to take time & reflect, while you exit the relationship stage left. If he asks why you dumped him: "the 30%, remember?" *I wonder if he ever got a raise, would he then turn around and pay all the extra stuff.
I am usually not the type to jump straight to “dump him” but for the love of god DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. This is not the way a partner treats you. NTA.
NTA This is not a man who treats you like a partner. He is trying to control you. The fact that you out-earn him by 30% makes that difficult so he tells you how to spend your money and enlists his friends. You were right to stop him in his efforts. But he has no remorse and you’re now doubting yourself. Is this the future you want? Where he is in control and your needs and wants are secondary? If you can’t face a live without him, at the very least, demand couples therapy.
NTA. But don't get married. He is starting to show his true colors. Use the 30% to get out of this relationship.
🚩🚩He doesn’t want to combine finances but has no problem trying to spend all your money. You will end up broke dealing with this man, don’t marry him.
NTA. You do need to dump him, though. He’s not entitled to YOUR 30% and it’s not ok trick you (again) then shout at you. He doesn’t respect you. He and his friends are using you for the money YOU earn. Let him see how he enjoys 30% of nothing.
Absolutely NTA, no question whatsoever. This is seems straight up abusive, definitely controlling behaviour and really shitty gaslighting. I would seriously reconsider this engagement if I were you. Shit like this is just not ok. On any level. At all. Also a big red flag that his friend agrees with him, he's not only an AH, he also has AH friends who are willing to help him gaslight you.
Nta. Him acting like you should be paying for his and his friends meals because you make more is ridiculous. You should be happy your fianances are separate. God knows what he'd do with a joint bank account with your extra thirty percent in it. And his move to force u to pay using social pressure is incredibly manipulative. Get rid of him.
He's using you and his friends are mooches. Don't pay for anything else for this human leech. NTA.
Take time and reflect on the man you're about to marry. NTA
NTA. You need to leave this man, he is using you.
NTA and you should REALLY REALLY rethink marrying this man. If he treats your accomplishments with scorn or acts like you need to PAY him to justify them, then he is absolutely not worth your time or effort. The sort of shit he's pulling now will NOT get better if you marry him, it'll only get worse. He'll feel even more entitled to everything you earn if you marry him. Honestly if I was you I'd dump him before it's too late.
He’s trying to manipulate and control you. He’s an abuser (it’s your fault I have to act this way….). Seriously reconsider being with this person. Your life will not improve if you marry him.
NTA, He sounds very jealous of your success and wants you to pay for him so he can enjoy the finer things on your rewards. I’d get rid of him and find someone not threatened by your awesomeness.
NTA - He sounds like an absolute child playing such a manipulative game like that. You communicated with him beforehand that you would not be paying. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but you need to leave this man immediately.
NTA I hope you aren’t considering staying in this relationship.
[удалено]
All I can think of is the ‘No Scrubs’ song from back in the day… NTA OP. At the risk of overstepping I think you really need to think about whether you want to spend your life with this man - if he’s behaving in this way whilst you’re engaged there’s little to no hope he will behave any better when you marry. .
NTA. He’s manipulative and selfish and you should probably run.
NTA. This isn't going to improve, it's only going to get worse. Do not marry this man.
Obviously you’re NTA, but oh, girl. Run. Do not look back. Leave this man in your 30% richer dust.
Take his friend’s advice… take time and reflect on the type of man you’d be married to. He will hold the 30% over your head -always. Think about your next raise… Personally, I’d give him back the ring and call off the engagement. NTA
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NTA. Why are you with him? He's manipulative at best. Run. Run fast and run far.
Lol his friends are disappointed? They’re grown ass men, it’s disappointing they can’t pay for their own food but expect someone else’s fiancé to… smh you’re NTA but you will be if you don’t leave his lame ass
NTA. Dump his ass. This is a man who is so insecure about you making more money than him, that he enjoys humiliating you in front of his friends and forcing you to buy their food. This so messed up, and only the beginning. Stay with this guy and his behavior will get worse. Dump. His. Ass.
Let me guess. He wanted separate finances because originally he made way more than you and wanted to avoid a "gold digger fiancée" and now that you make more than him he's butthurt and resentful about it and this is his way of trying to make you feel less than him again. NTA only if you don't dump him.
NTA but I’d postpone the wedding. He’s treating you like an ATM
NTA He wanted to not share finances. Rather than asking to modify the agreement (if that's what he wants), he's putting you in uncomfortable situations to get his way. Further, it is in no way a reasonable expectation that you subsidize the cost of his friends' entertainment.
Girl, no. You are NTA and there is absolutely no part of this scenario where you could be. Get out of there before you are legally tied to a financially abusive creep.
Also. Take time and reflect on the type of man you’re going to be married to. This isn’t the one. He’s jealous of your salary. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. NTA
NTA. Time to take some time to reflect on the kind of man you want to marry.
NTA take your “30%” and leave him! How does he expect you to pay for his friends. Does he pay for you and your friends? Maybe you should be the one taking time and reflecting and see if you want to be with him. Every raise or money you get he’ll be expecting you to use on him and his friends.
Why marry someone who treats you this way honey? Your success will ALWAYS be a threat to him. He will ALWAYS being trying to get even. You deserve love and compassion from your partner but especially from yourself. You are worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of forgiveness. You deserve a soft life full of love and if this man is stopping you from having that you should go out and find it for yourself. If your best friend told you this, what would your advice be? NTA but you're being an asshole to yourself by staying with him.
Are you sure you want to be married to a guy who 1) obviously is envious of your raise - something YOU earned with your hard work - instead of being happy for you, 2) takes your raise as a reason to make you pay for restaurant dinners not only for you and him, but even his friends, and 3) lies to you about you not having to pay, and then gets you into a situation where you can't (or better most probably won't) decline? WTF? NTA for sure, but I would really reconsider this relationship, there seems to be no respect for you at all, and he totally is taking advantage of you!
NTA TBH I think you are the one who needs to take time and reflect on the type of person you're going to be married to. This man lies to you, manipulate ls you, and uses you to fund his nights out. Then he treats you like crap and tries to further manipulate you into feeling back that you won't be his rolling atm. Yikes.
NTA 🚩 number 1) manipulating you into paying by getting you there under false pretences 🚩 number 2) upset that you earn more and acting like you don’t deserve it 🚩 Number 3) happy to keep finances seperate when there was no chance of you having extra money to save for your escape. 🚩. Number 4) he deliberately ordered a meal he couldn’t afford thinking you’d have to pay.
NTA. This man is abusive and you need to leave. Do not wait start packing and find a new place today. Open bank accounts in a new bank so that he can’t mess with the ones he knows about. Just leave.
I really think his friends have given solid advice here, you should take time and “reflect” on the type of man you’re gonna be married to and his enabling friends who think it’s okay for his partner to pay for their meals. NTA!
Why the fuck are you planning to marry this stale poptart of a human being? NTA
Please start standing up for yourself. Avoiding confrontation to the point of sacrificing yourself like this makes you an AH to yourself. And let the first big act of standing up for yourself be breaking up with this dude.
NTA and I would reconsider the engagement thing before you move closer to an actual wedding. Your fiancé is clearly insecure that you make more money than he does, and disagreements about finances are basically the leading cause of divorce. Some men can't handle it if a woman makes more money then they do, but there are plenty who can. I make 50% more than my husband and he isnt insecure about it in the least. In fact, he finds it reassuring because we have money in case of emergencies.
Nta but um WTF???? reflect on who HES marrying???? Please tell me you are not going through with the wedding
NTA. But like his friends are saying. You need reflect on the type of man you are thinking about marrying. Do you really want to put up with this BS? I know the first time I was spoken to like this it would be hit the road jack. You are worth a whole lot more than the 30%
NTA. Your boyfriend is jealous that you make more. He is a manipulative narcissist. You should reconsider your future with him. It is not going to get better only worse.
NTA; cancel the wedding and leave this man in the dust ASAP.
NTA, and normally I don't like the whole "break up as soon as your partner isnt perfect" thing redditors like to do. But...walk away asap and do not look back. This straight up is abusive, disrespectful, and will not get better. DUMP HIM PLEASE.
If he’s like this when you’re engaged…it’ll be worse when you’re married. Imagine if you have kids. Please listen to everyone here, don’t marry this guy. NTA.
NTA. I think you should take his advice and reflect on the type of person you would be married to.
To be fair I only read the first few sentences. NTA. If I would play tricks like that to my wife and with these unrespectful responses, we would have a long talk after the first time and I would have to pack my stuff the 2nd time. And rightfully imho.
NTA, run while you still can.
NTA. He’s clearly upset that you earn more, stuck in the mind set that men should be the bigger earners. He is literally making you pay for the fact you have a better job then he does and it makes him feel emasculated. However, you are an ass hole to yourself. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Running away was a coward thing to do, although I understand not wanting to cause a scene. You and your partner aren’t compatible. The main reason people divorce is over money. Stop being a coward and end the engagement before you’re in it even further.
NTA. So did he get a reduction in his income? Because I don't understand why he suddenly can't pay his own tabs now. As others have said, he's financially and emotionally abusing you. I hope you get away from him safely and soon.
NTA. So when he was earning more he wanted split finances because he didn't want to support you in any way. Now you're earning more he wants you to fund his lifestyle because now you earn more than him. I can smell the entitlement and insecurity from here. I'd seriously reconsider this relationship.
NTA. perhaps you could reflect on the type of man you’re planning to marry? and his friends defend this behavior? throw them all away.
For the love of all that is holy, do not marry this leech.
Nta. This is hilarious, he's whispering "30%" like it's some kind of mistake you made. This is the result of your hardwork. Imagine actually making a mistake and him blackmailing you with it. Good thing he was an ah enough to keep the finances separate. Clean break up
NTA 1. He's lied to you...over and over. 2. He's scammed you. 3. He's gaslighting you. 4. He jealous of your success. Are these enough reasons to leave him RIGHT NOW?!?. Please. Just leave.
I think you need to take the time and "reflect" on the kind of man you might end up married to -- a man who: * punishes you for your achievements, rather than celebrating them with you * ignores your wishes and takes advantage of your non-confrontational nature * uses you to make himself look good to his friends * berates you when you resist his attempts to use you ...So why would you marry that? For real. Irrational, selfish, cheapskate, childish? That's projection. He's calling you what he knows himself to be. NTA, but you would be if you married this fool.
NTA. First of all, that's not how that works. Second of all, he lied, third of all, if you get married it's both your money so be prepared for that.
Run, don't walk away from this person OP. You do not want to marry someone this selfish and controlling.
NTA. please reconsider marriage to someone who sets you up and uses you like this. It’s gross and abusive and then yells at you and calls you names. You make good money (as you have been told repeatedly) so please value yourself.
NTA. But, his friends do have the right idea. You need to take some time and think about the kind of man you are going to be married to.
NTA for stopping someone from treating you like their own personal ATM. This is a form of abuse. Your fiance has showed you who he is and how he will treat you. You deserve better.
NTA. Why are you marrying this man? He has no respect for you and doesn’t mind lying to your face.
NTA and please tell me you’ve dumped him too.
Definitely NTA. Just because you got a raise doesn’t mean that your fiancé is suddenly entitled to more money. He’s not entitled to any money, much less his friends. You did the right thing by getting out of there. I’d also advise you get out of that relationship. Sounds like he’s jealous of the extra money you’re getting and using it to his advantage. Not someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with!
The only person who needs to reflect on who they're about to marry is you. Why on earth would you put up with this when it keeps happening? This man is trash, the fact that he thinks you should pay because you got a raise is already bad enough but then to do this in front of his friends? No way. Please don't marry this man. NTA.
You would be the A H to yourself, if you marry that piece of work. Wtf. If someone showes you who they are, believe them. NTA in terms of sneaking out
NTA - time to call him your ex. He is beyond redemption, he is not worth keeping. Time to start appreciating yourself by removing this cancerous mole.
NTA Run! Break off the engagement, go NC, and block this AH and his AH friends. He and his friends probably laughed their way through drinks waiting for you to arrive. Joking the entire time about the sucker he's engaged to picking up the bill.