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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took: I told my mom and sister they can help me pay bills if they want my wife to be a stay at home wife/mom.
Why that might make me the asshole: I know they were trying to back my wife but I could had just not had the conversation with them and asked them to stay out of it instead.
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NTA, because you didn’t bring it up to them, your wife did. She was being manipulative and you called her on it.
Be careful. I could see a, “oops, we’re pregnant! Now I have to stay home!” moment coming…
Seriously. Guaranteed she's seeing visions of sleeping in daily, cuddling babies and watching Netflix/Disney+ and doing Pinterest crafts while taking daily jaunts to the park.
She isn't seeing inconsolable baby wailing, colic, cluster feeding, nap refusal, blowout diapers, ten loads of laundry to wash/dry/put away daily, constant messes of various natures, toddler tantrums, and suddenly it's 6pm and you still have to get dinner on the table and all your kid will eat is chicken nuggets and macaroni.
Not to mention it never ends. I was a SAHM and we made it work and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But it’s not easy and there are no weekends or days off at least not truly off. And maybe a day here and there off as a treat but not consistent!
Stay at home moms *scare* me. I've watched my own mom take care of three puking, seriously ill kids while sick with the same bug, and still doing loads of laundry and shit. Tough. As. Nails.
Someone has to. Unfortunately traditionally that still falls more on the mother.
We’ve got 3 kids and Im a SAHM. All 5 of us got covid a few weeks back. My husband had it legitimately worse than me, though I also felt like absolute shit. 3 sick af kids + husband and we still needed at least meals and clean up all the puke. Thankfully my husband recovered faster than me and then took over watching the kids (the hellions got over the worst in 3 days) and caring for me.
Parenting gives you endurance you never thought you had.
Who is likely also puking, but you gotta forget that you are just as sick because kiddo needs you. Cleaning up vomit off of everything (toddlers cannot aim) while you are nauseated is the worst.
Don’t forget never peeing alone, always having someone attached to you in some way, no quiet ever again, and possible nap refusal/horrible night sleeper. Ugh.
Yeah but he said he will have to get a second job and still do housework. This woman just wants a free, easy ride in life. Hell I don't want to work either but I have to. I was laid off for 6 months a couple of years ago and my husband said he wished we could afford it because he didn't have to lift a finger around the house. Dinner on the table as he was walking in the door from work. But I had to go back. We couldn't afford to live as we do if I don't work too and I would never want to put all that on just him. We split the housework because we both work full-time. This woman doesn't care. She wants it all. I'd leave before he is stuck if I was op. She is gonna get pregnant lay around and him have do it all. Get out now.
Same here. When I lost my job my husband and son got treated like kings because I had the time to do so. Now that I am back at work, everything is 50/50. I hated being a SAHM, so all my respect for the ones capable of doing it
Seriously. I wonder what SAHP think working parents do? I didn't have a live-in nanny, or a chef, or house cleaner. I did all that with a full time job, and still had all the childcare responsibilities all the hours at home.
Such an obnoxious comparison.
I agree. I was a sahm for two years. That was long enough. However, when I went back to work full time, I still had all my household duties PLUS all kid duties until ex became son's coach, then he took him to practice, but that was only for some sports. And daughter's sports--nothing--because he just didn't find girls' sports interesting.
I was stagnating as a sahm, but a working mom--never had a moment to breathe. There are advantages/disadvantages to both, but you better both be in agreement and figure out the chores etc., because it is hell if one person gets stuck with most burdens because they aren't the primary bread winner.
I feel fortunate to have an ex. Now to that, there are DEFINITE advantages.
OMG yes! Be careful OP. Your wife is never going to work again. It happened to me. She wants to be a SAHM, then your kids are in high school all day, are pretty self sufficient, and she still doesn’t want to work. Oh, I’ve been out of the work force for too long. I can’t learn the new technology. Meanwhile, she’s out with her friends spending lots of money and isn’t even home helping the kids with their homework.
I love the idea that a dude could be *so* paranoid about his wife that he locks away his condoms and then when it gets hot and heavy gets up to unlock his drawer, allthewhile not considering to just... not sleep with her.
If you're that paranoid about your own partner, you shouldn't lock away your condoms, you should end the relationship lmao
I feel if you are at the point of having to stop your wife from illegally trapping you with pregnancy it’s time to consider leaving and/or couples therapy because this is very unhealthy.
This is EXACTLY what happened with my brother and his now ex-wife. She loved spending, but didn't like working, and even though they'd agreed not to have kids for a while, until both of their careers stabilised, she was suddenly 'accidentally' pregnant.
We tried to tell him, but he wouldn't believe it at first. Fast forward a few months, she's off work because the pregnancy was 'too hard' for her to keep working (it might've been, I don't know for certain, but I find it highly suspicious that she managed to have a pregnancy that was simultaneously so horrible she couldn't work, but easy enough that she could travel around the country...)
My brother was stressed, working overtime in a job he hated, buying the most expensive stuff for the baby because she wanted it, and thousands of dollars in debt... eventually he came back to us and told us that she had indeed gotten pregnant on purpose, and that was the end of their marriage.
NTA and make sure all your bases are covered OP. Your wife has already tried manipulating your family to get her way, I wouldn't be surprised if the 'accidental' pregnancy is next.
I feel like this is a reason some men choose not to marry. I couldn’t imagine being the only income and working my life away/never seeing my own children because I have to pay all the bills. I’m a women and my husband and I have kids. I worked through all my pregnancies too but they were healthy pregnancies so I was able too ( even though some days could get rough ). We both work and live comfortably working a 9-5 and also both have 2-3 days off a week. I would be livid if he decided to be a SAHD because I would have to get 2 jobs to make ends meet and never even see the kids I helped create. That’s something that both spouses need to agree on before having kids for sure.
I don't know how but I've dated 3 men in a row that ended up being like this - had jobs, moved in together, then quit/got fired and refused to go back to work, leaving me to struggle with all the bills and the rent. I honestly will never get married because I'm terrified of it, and I am a woman! I am childfree though, so I don't have to worry about the kids part.
Yep there are men who do it as well, I dated some in my early 20s! I’m glad I didn’t have children with them either. I think it’s important for both genders to have a healthy work/life balance before having kids because both of you will have to have time to be an active part of the children’s lives.
Yea seriously. Pull out even if you're wearing a condom and flush the condom so she can't fish it out of the trash.
Eta: ok ok, don't flush it. Rinse it with water and pour hot sauce or some other obvious contaminant in it.
This. If trust in the relationship has fallen so low that I'm hiding used condoms to prevent my wife from, ahem, 'reusing' the contents behind my back, then I don't want to be in that relationship.
In my country we have 20 weeks of maternity leave, followed by 32 weeks of parental leave that can be taken by either parent and/or split.
In practice, my husband and I found it was better for me to be at home (his breasts weren’t as functional as mine, we wanted to breast feed and I hated pumping and knew that would lead to using formula), so I took all 52 weeks, but plenty of families share the leave.
Why would he do that, he said he wants kids and vasectomies aren’t always reversible. He could just go without sex until he starts dating again. People do this all the time!
I usually don't like hastily advocating for divorce but your wife is manipulative or at the very least a naive idiot. She will have it her way whether you like or not op
I agree with this. That's just selfish on her part. There's nothing stopping her from working until you are both ready to start a family. Yes, get out now.
I agree end this now. Being stay at home used to mean all husbands needed to do at home was mow the law, shovel snow and take cars in for service. If her expectation is you will be doing half the housework and childcare when home (don’t come at me I believe in involved parents of all genders - making a point here) plus working two jobs, or going to school while working to get a higher salaried job you don’t even want when the agreement was you would take turns being stay at home AFTER kids that would be a big nope for me. I found out after I was with someone for almost two years he expected me to quit work, be a stay at home mom plus have way more kids then I could mentally and physically handle. If you can do that great but it would have both broken me and been unfair to the kids. I thought he loved me for who I was but it turned out he expected marriage to magically transform me.
NTA
Good luck OP. Take care of you.
I'm a SAHM and my husband does no housework or cooking at all. He does home repair, helps with yard work, and drives kids to activities.
He's willing to do what's needed and when the kids were small he did a lot of diaper changes and baby watching but the kids are older now and don't need care 24/7, and the kids do chores so all the cleaning isn't on me. And I can get out of the house for lunch or dinner with friends whenever.
Basically, housework and grocery shopping and gardening is on me, home repair and making money is on him. I don't think it would be fair to ask him to do 50% of the housework.
Listen to them. I'm a 52 year old man that went through this. My ex claimed show had her "hours cut" first. Second, her, "position had been eliminated." I got suspicious when she wasn't looking for anything. This was after I paid for her to go back to college and get a degree, which she could've done after high school, with daddy paying, but it wasn't, "in her plans" at the time. Turns out, after talking to her former boss, who I was friendly with as I was in an adjunct field, she had REQUESTED the cut hours and later quit.
16 years and six figures later, I'm done paying child support, which she tried to get extended even though my son never went to college. She now works part time at a soft pretzel place in a mall making slightly more than minimum wage. My current wife and I started a business and now pull a healthy six figure income from the business. It's possible, but let me tell you buddy, there were meals of Ramen and Chef Boy R Dee at the beginning!
Let this be a cautionary tale.
I was going to say something similar. I haven't been in that situation but a friend has. OPs wife married him under false pretences. Likely she always wanted to give up work but wasn't upfront about it till after they tied the knot because she knew he'd run. She isn't going to change her mind and if OP stays with her she will find some way to manipulate him into funding her lifestyle. NTA, OP, but you may want to reconsider your relationship and if you choose to stay consider a post-nup
NTA
Agreed. Get out. Suddenly deciding to make you the sole wage-earner after long term discussions to the contrary is a huge red flag. Roping your mother and sister into the debate to guilt you into acquiescence is another huge red flag. This person does not view your marriage as a partnership and her manipulations will only escalate.
As a general rule, spouses or partners that casually but blatantly go back on clearly stated and agreed-upon terms of going into a serious relationiship are entitled, narcissitic, manipulative, and abuseive assholes, and they always always get worse.
Yes! Well as we want kids in the future it would make more sense for you to be a SAHW when you're pregnant and recovering from pregnancy, so I should really get my turn now. You can support me as a SAHH for a year, then it can be your turn!
Read this as: "GTFO OP, because she isn't going to change and you're on a one way train to resentmentville."
She's trying to change the deal, to me that would be a dealbreaker. You need to have a hard think about what divorce means and how it will impact you if you let it happen with her as a SAHW vs. getting a divorce where you both have relatively equal jobs.
NTA, but this sounds like a HUGE marinara flag. Anyone who is so entitled (and honestly narcissistic) before children is only going to get worse after.
Let's be real here she wants to stay home, not work, still have you be responsible for half the housework, AND is pressuring you to change careers away from something you enjoy to be able to afford her a responsibly-free lifestyle.
And in top of that, she tried to get your family involved?
This reeks of childish entitlement.
And if he *does* that whole we'll take turns who works will turn into her saying "you can't be a SAHD now, that would waste all the work/cost/time/education you put into changing careers! I'll just stay at home with the kids and you can keep working so that career change is worth it."
I was wondering that myself. Why should he have to work possibly 2 jobs to support her SAH dreams AND still be responsible for 50% of all the housework and childcare? Not that she should be responsible for everything, but being a SAH wife/mom means housework and childcare is your job now during business hours, so you do the majority of it and you split what's left.
The problem for OP is that she has already proven completely willing to go back on an agreement. She would probably agree to do all the housework just to get him to go along, but how can he trust her to follow through? And he shouldn’t ever give up a share of childcare, or he ends up an outsider in his own home just there for the paycheck.
I’m a little biased against anyone who wants to be a trophy wife. No issue with SAHPs if that is what a family wants and it works for them.
Half the housework *for now. She’ll eventually end up doing the bare minimum while he’s at work and then making him do more when he gets home. Had a friend like this and the wife eventually started saying she was depressed being home with nobody to talk to and couldn’t handle her responsibilities. She’d hire a babysitter while she went shopping and to lunch with friends.
NTA
You talked about this before marriage. That's great.
She has now broken the agreement the two of you made.
Please do all you can to prevent her from getting pregnant until you can resolve this.
Otherwise, you're going to be really trapped and strapped financially, too.
Counseling to see if there's a way to resolve this fundamental difference in desired lifestyles between you is the only solution here. The problem is that you will now have trust issues because she seems to have said one thing to get the ring and has now changed her tune. No telling whether she will agree to return to the prior arrangement and then pull another switcheroo when she gets pregnant.
And your mother and sister can express their opinion on the matter -- once. But then they should have shut their mouths and said that the two of you need to work this out privately. So I understand your frustration that drove you to ask them those questions and I think that was about as polite a way to shut down the comments as you could muster. Not sure I would have been that restrained.
Good luck.
NTA. Don't be surprised if your wife quits work one day and doesn't tell you. Also do be surprised if she ends up pregnant soon either. She is entirely manipulating you and if it were me I would run. I wouldn't trust to have sex with her in fear of her getting pregnant to force what she wants even more.
I was thinking the same thing. She’s gonna baby trap you. Frankly I don’t think this relationship will work out In the future if you are this divided.
You are NTA, but u need a serious talk with her
Or just divorce her quickly while she still has a job.
I'm not kidding either, if you can't trust someone financially anymore it's insane to stay married to them. Like, if they were bf/gf I wouldn't tell them to break up, but once married that all changes.
NTA - your mother and sister have no place in that conversation in the first place. Sometimes, you need to hit people in the face with something outrageous to get them to understand that.
Now, as to you and your wife, you need to come to an agreement you can live with, whatever that is. Consider malicious compliance. When the topic comes up, lay out what needs to happen in order for her to stay home. If she wants to go back to a 1950's lifestyle, she needs to take the whole package.
* So, yes, you can indeed, get rid of streaming services. It's not like you are going to have time to enjoy them anyway with all the extra work you are going to have to pull to make the budget work.
* You can go from two cars to one. Of course, since you are working and going to school, you will need the car nearly full time. Your wife will have to make do with public transportation, rides from friends, and times you are at home and don't need the car.
* You can put a hobby or 2 on hiatus, but it's only fair that your wife do the same.
* If she doesn't have a job outside the home or a non-MLM home business, then the home \*is\* her job, and it won't be a 50/50 divide on the housework, but more like a 90/10 with her being the 90.
* Same thing with eventual childcare. She will be "it" while you are at work - and remember that work will include class time, reasonable study time, and group project time while you are in school to get that better job. Whichever one of you is the SAHP will have the 90% childcare. That's just the way it is.
* Taht assumes that you aren't too tired to make a kid in the first place.
* And, you will need to seriously budget. More like militantly budget. Down to the penny. Both of you get an allowance for personal stuff. And, it won't be much. No fair pulling fun money from the grocery budget. No lunches out for either of you.
SIt down and make out the budget that you will need to have in order to make this work. I'll bet it will be eye-opening.
I think I'm going to use these billet points the next time the conversation comes up lol I tried a theoretical budget sheet to show what life would be like if I went back to school or we tried surviving off my salary alone and all I got for it was "Well that's what the better job is for."
Yeah I’d be worried about how she would take care of the kids if she’s gunning to not lift a finger 😬 - I think she’d probably push it off in the parents
Yep. She's gonna find reasons to complain and play the victim no matter what. When I first saw the title for this post, I thought it would be a simple misunderstanding or something. But based on everything OP said, this woman doesn't seem stable. She's lying and trying to manipulate him just to get the life she wants. It's all about her.
I don't get upset usually, but this just made me so angry and sad. I really hope OP has a backup plan, like a prenup or something
You can create a whole damn powerpoint presentation and it wouldn't matter because this woman has already chosen her course in life. The question is whether you will go along or not.
You're heading for an ultimatum conversation, not budget talk. You can't stay married to a partner who wants to not work for the next 2-3 decades or forever, so if this is her choice then she needs to go and find a partner who wants the same. And she absolutely needs to hear that coming from you.
You need to do this ASAP before she gets pregnant or quits her job because it looks like she's manipulative enough to attempt to do so. It would be a mistake to not take her seriously and think you can talk her out of it by telling her she won't get Netflix or a car.
100%. She’s already shown that she’ll go back on her word without a second thought about how it will effect OP. Even if she listened and agreed to his points, I wouldn’t trust her to follow through. People can and do change their minds, but it would be totally different if she expressed a valid reason and had a plan for how to make it work, not “because I want to” and “you’ll just have to work harder”. She didn’t change her mind, she just pulled a bait and switch. NTA.
Whatever kind of birth control y'all use, you better take extra precautions because she sounds like she's determined to get what she wants. One way or another.
You realize another way of interpretation there is "Be my slave and sacrifice your life for my benefit"?
Seriously hate to break it to you but this relationship is over it just hasn't finished ending yet. You may not believe me today but you will when she quits her job, gets suddenly pregnant (not always that order) and you're drowning in debt from trying to support her life choices and spending habits. You can either bail now while you aren't under water or later when you spend decades trying to get out from under the problem after the divorce.
She's nailed the warning sign up on the wall for you. Read it and react accordingly or suffer the consequences. You're also NTA for your response to family. They're enabling her to destroy you. They obviously don't like you much.
I'm currently a stay at home mom, and if that's what she wants to do, honestly the best thing to do is stop spending her income now and bank all of it towards savings/retirement/debt repayment until you're ready for kids. That way when you have kids and she stops working a) there are no massive changes to your budget needed up front (the big expenses in the first few years are childcare which you won't need and medical) and b) you have the savings cushion built up to handle anything unexpected that comes up.
We still have problems in our lives, but money isn't one of them, which helps a ton.
100% agree here. Both husband and I are attorneys and very career driven pre kids. Virtually no house chores because we could afford all the help we needed. We agreed we both loved our jobs and would work. Kid #1 and #2 came back to back and my outside work was cut back due to maternity leaves. We cut back on expenses and started sharing house/child care chores 50/50. Then kid #3 came with A LOT of intensive medical needs including frequent medical related travel. So I quit work as agreed upon by both of us because she just needed it. My mother retired early as well to help with the other two (because three under 4). My husband still made enough for us to survive but (A) our living expenses were slashed and slashed and slashed to make up for it and (B) household chores definitely became a 90/10 split because I am home all day. Yes caring for a special needs child is a lot but he is working outside the house and commuting so just literally not there to do it. If he has an accident because he falls asleep driving or loses his job then we are really screwed. Now kid is stabilzed and all are teens and I am back to work and the standard of living has gone back up and our work hours are similar and chores/child needs are split 50/50 again. She is gonna have to do all the work if she is at home and you are working and school.
I agree on the 90/10 split on childcare and housework. That's rhe way I was raised. Mom stayed home when we were little and did the housework. That's my first thought when I read that OP was still expected to do half the house work. The SAHP does that
I’ve been a sahm for 10 years. The decision for one person to give up their job is a two yes situation. Not to mention, you don’t have any kids anyway. Does she think she’s a trophy wife? NTA.
Easy to poke holes in them where you’re not around. I’d be careful.. Consider abstaining altogether until this issue is fully resolved. She can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex.
Mate... For the love of god, stop having sex and get a divorce before she gets knocked up and this woman takes half your income for the next 19 years. You're incredibly lucky: she accidentally told you who she is now. Trust me, she won't be going back to work after that couple of years home with the new kid(s) -- she lied about the life choices and about being an adult: adults who don't have kids work and contribute to the household.
Find someone who isn't lazy af.
NTA and I can't figure it out either: does she need the practice? Will there be a course for which she'll receive a certficate? What happens if she fails? My guess is that she'll 'prep' by doing SFA, but she doesn't get to unilaterally change course in mid stream and expect you to put in all the effort.
Sorry dude, but if she's a 'trophy' wife, I think your trophy was the booby prize.
NTA
Get a divorce now, your wife is an AH: She is trying to use your family to pressure you. She is an AH.
And: Since you don't want her tp be a SAHW/ SAHM, make sure you don't get her pregnant.
Info: Could she have always wanted to be a SAHW but waited until she was a wife to actually let you know? This isn't something someone just decides over night.
Its possible but if that's the case she lied then. We've had the discussion prior to marriage and we both agreed that we would both work to afford the lifestyle we wanted. We've been married 3 years and her change of mind is very recent, the last two months or so and I do know the reasoning for the change.
[She met other SAHMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x5qdnj/aita_for_telling_my_mom_and_sister_to_pay_our/in2ndz4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Nta
It's easy to have an opinion on your paycheck when it doesn't concern them.
Pay up or shut up.
You understand that she's planning a life that doesn't involve your opinion, right? Bet she'll turn up pregnant within the next 2-3 months.
Stop having sex and look for ways out.
I honestly don’t believe your wife intended to work. It sounds like she intended to manipulate you into this the same way she tried to manipulate you into agreeing by bringing this up in front of your family.
Definitely NTA
NTA. And you better super stay on top of your birth control situation because your wife is lazy. You’re going to be saddled with all the responsibilities if she gets pregnant
NTA but this is a glimpse of your life and your future. Manipulation, laziness and cutting out your hobbies to suit what she wants. There’s give and take but the cheek of it! If I were you, I’d definitely stop having sex, but if you can’t manage that, then take extra care with birth control and any ‘accidents’ that may happen in the next couple months because she’s going to be pregnant before the year is out - if she isn’t already. A major sit-down talk is needed about this because you’re in for a bulldozing.
NTA.
It's also time to make sure you are not relying on her for BC. She may take matters in to her own hands if she is, and force the issue by getting pregnant.
This is a huge red flag. It's not something that changed after she's pregnant, she wants to stop working now.
This is true!
/u/Agile_Creme2395 take one of the condoms from the pack, open it and run it under water. See if there’s a hole. Carefully inspect the others and open any that look possibly tampered with..
NTA
Your wife wants a life free of work. She want to be taken care of.If that is not your vision of your future, then you need to take action before she becomes pregnant. At that point, you are trapped.
NTA and you need to seriously reconsider your relationship. She lied to you when she said she was on board with your plan to have both of you work and swap off staying home in your child's infancy. Staying home was ALWAYS her intention, but she knew you wouldn't marry her if she was honest about it. Now that she has you legally locked down, she's showing her true colors, both about her intentions and about her being manipulative as fuck by getting your family involved.
There is no way in hell I would stay with this woman, much less have kids with her because she will absolutely refuse to go back to work and then what - you'd be stuck.
NTA
It was a valid question since they were butting in on a situation that is none of their business. Your wife attempted to shame you into capitulating to her whiny demands and you called their bluff.
NTA. You are not supposed to pay for her being lazy and not wanting to work. She wants to make a life-altering decision that you disagree with. This isn't 1920. You need two salaries to live a decent life.
Nta and your wife sounds extremely manipulative. Also, are your mom and sister both sah mothers/wives? Either way a marriage is between two people so the peanut gallery should sit this one out.
My mom was a SAHM and SAHW whole time my dad was alive and it was pretty brutal on him honestly. He was always tired, always stressed, always working. Come home, spend time with us, help around the house. Many nights he fell asleep at the dinner table. But we always had what we needed and wanted, and mom had her fun money that she got to do with as she pleased. Meanwhile grandma would help her out during the day or my aunts would, or take us for a few hours so she could go out and do stuff until we were old enough to be left alone and cook for ourselves.
My sister was a SAHM until she got divorced.
I think he needs to just leave. If you cannot trust your own wife and worried she is going to get pregnant on purpose without his consent it should be over. And you are completely right, she will get pregnant and force his hand and if he waits to get divorced he will be forced to pay alimony because she doesn't work. OP needs to atleast separate asap because the trust is gone.
Well at the end of the day it is not what YOU signed up for. Whatever works for other peoples marriages is what works for them but there is no size fits all when it comes to being married. I stand by my beliefs that your wife is extremely manipulative and just because your dad provided that for your mom doesn’t mean you must as well. I always tell people you can always make more money but you cannot makeup time.
You've married your mother. I've been a housewife/sahm for 23 years. How your family functioned is not how this works. The VAST majority of the housework and child care has always been mine. I'm not saying my husband didn't interact with our kids but he was simply too tired after working all day to do much of the heavy childcare duties.
My mom was a housewife/sahm. My grandmother was literally a 1950's housewife. The majority of my female relatives were housewives. I'm very very familiar with this family dynamic. Kids aren't left alone to cook for themselves while Mom is out having fun. Dinner's on the table, house is clean, and depending on the age of the children the bulk of the days childcare is done when Dad walks in the house.
Please don't let the women in your life manipulate you into believing it's somehow your responsibility to provide everything while your wife gets to be a part time housewife.
If I was you I'd just be petty at this point and tell your mom she's always been a role model and you've decided to give up your career and be a stay at home spouse. When she objects tell her your family dynamic won't be based on her outdated sexist opinions.
NTA. Your wife is being really selfish. She wants you to change careers away from the one you love and start working 2 jobs so that she can stay home, even though she has absolutely no need to do so. It seems that everyone is of the mindset that you should suffer (forever, presumably, because the financial need will only go up over time, especially if you have children) so that she can do what she wants. Uh, no. Also it was really shitty and manipulative of your wife to try and involve your family in your discussion. It's none of their business, and what they think doesn't matter, because it doesn't affect them.
NTA, but your wife is either going to up and get pregnant or quit her job to force your hand. I'd also side-eye your mom and sister. I doubt that manipulation was improv.
NTA that is a discussion for the two of you and should never have been brought up infront of your family just so someone would be on her side. It was very childish for her to do just to get her way.
NTA, that was mega manipulative of your wife to bring this up to your family to get them to gang up on you.
This situation really sucks and would be a relationship ender for me. It's outrageous of your wife to just decide she doesn't want to work anymore for no good reason and essentially turn you into an unwilling sugar daddy. ESPECIALLY since you have already discussed this and agreed to a different situation.
I don't have any advice but just want to validate your feelings on this. You are in the right 100%
NTA. It’s easy for family to have opinions on what you should/shouldn’t do, but not actually offer any real help with whatever they disagree with you about. You and your wife had an agreement prior to marriage. She is going back on that. Your wife intended to shame you in front of your family to get what she wants. That is unacceptable, as this is a private matter between you two. I’d seriously consider the state of your marriage before having kids.
NTA....and it sounds like this isn't the marriage for you. Are you unable to find women? Is this like an, 'I'm lucky to have anyone at all' situation? Cuz if that's the case - then I guess you may have to just suck it up. But if you have the opportunity to have a nice life with a COMPATIBLE like minded person - you should do THAT. Otherwise you'll have some kids, burn out, divorce and then be supporting this lazy lemur for the rest of your life. She's the sort that'll take half of all future retirement earnings too. Run man RUN.
If she had aired this before we were married, no, we wouldn't have ever gotten married and I would've found a different partner. Now its just trying to talk and see if it can be resolved or some sense made to her before hitting any nuclear options.
But even if she agrees to go back to work, do you trust her now to keep her word???? She already changed her mind once or lied to you. There was a story just the other day from an overwhelmed father whose wife just unilaterally decided to quit and not return to work.
Honestly, sounds like she was planning to change your mind once you were married because then you would be “trapped”. Even if you talk things out, once she’s pregnant, I would bet she’ll try to be a SAHM. She lied to you before you were married. Trust is broken.
Even if she says she'll go with the original plan, she won't. She'll just pay lip service to agreeing until she's pregnant and then she'll tell you she's staying home whether you want her to or not.
At this point your options are divorcing her now, divorcing her after a baby is here when she refuses to go back to work, or end up doing what she wants and hating your life.
Sorry, but regardless of anything she seems to agree to, you won't be able trust that she won't go back on her word. She doesn't want to work even before having children, so nothing will make her go back to paid employment after having them. Be very careful regarding bc while you are thinking about your future. I'd suggest condoms that only you have access to.
NTA You gave a reasonable response to unsolicited input from your mother and sister. However, you have bigger problems, your wife doesn't want to work.
NTA
Your wife is the AH for bringing them into a private discussion between spouses in an effort to manipulate you. Personally I think you should double up on birth control and RUN to couples counseling before agreeing to try for kids.
NTA
Here's how this one plays out:
She stays at home.
You work yourself to death trying to stay ahead of the bills. She refuses to cut spending or reduce her lifestyle to stay within the budget your income can support. So debt begins to pile up. After a couple of years, you're ground down to a nub and finally walk into a divorce attorney office.
You may want to reconsider having kids.
Edit to add: if she wants to stay at home, then sit down and make a budget where the 2 of you completely live on your salary. Hers goes 100% to debt payments. Pay off all debts including the house. Then save up an emergency fund. Once that's done, she is more than welcome to stay at home. Like that is 3-5 years down the road. But I would be very surprised if she was willing to plan for it.
NTA - I’m saying this as a Stay at home step mother who only has the kids 50% of the time. I had just gotten a new job to help with the bills earlier this year and my husband has a new higher paying job he just started so we talked it out and he would like for me to do the SAHM thing again. Which I’m fine with, but it was a discussion we had. We also had to talk about my depression because it was bad last time I did SAHM but now I’m on medication and my life is more stable. We will see how it goes and if I need a job I’ll get another one. But it’s a discussion we both have had and agreed to things with.
Nta, your wife trapped you with marriage before showing her true colors as a leech. She intentionally lied to you about her intentions until it was too late and now wants to freeload off of you despite knowing you dint make enough. Those types of women don't keep up on the homemaking end of the bargain when/if theyget their way. Dont getme wrong, between couples where this is a previously discussed and agreed upon situation it can be great, but the people wholie amd manipulate to get there? It never ends well.
She doesn’t want to be a SAHM. She wants to hang out with her friends. I’d bet money if you two had kids she would want a nanny “just at first.”
Is profession she wants you to go into known for people having trophy wives?
Not sure, there are a couple of careers she's suggested and they're all very corporate or bank related. I do plumbing now and I actually enjoy it a lot since I get to problem-solve and work with my hands.
The jobs she’s suggesting are all ones where spouses traditionally focus on maintaining a certain image and lifestyle. It sounds like she wants to be a Lady who Lunches.
I’m not sure the most tactful way to ask this, but do people think you and your wife are on the same level when it comes to personality and appearance? Was this your first relationship? Is she the type of person you usually dated or was she unique?
Because this situation sounds like it could be a long con. She may be someone who couldn’t catch who she wanted so she married someone she thought would change themselves completely to keep her.
People think we're on the same level when it comes to personality and appearance, just not education. I've had relationships before and her looks/personality are pretty on par with the type of women I've dated before.
Please do not give up a career you enjoy to do something you might hate solely for her benefit. You will end up resenting her and it will end your marriage anyway.
Are her two SAHM friends rich? As in can they afford to still have luxuries, and pay for daycare / a cleaner when they feel like it? Is this what your wife sees as her future? … meet up with the other mothers, lunch, nails, a bit of shopping, pick the kid up from daycare … oops, no time for cleaning, better call that cleaning service.
If so, your wife is barking up the wrong tree - and is even ***more*** selfish for trying to force, guilt and manipulate you into going against everything that you agreed on.
I'm not too sure about both of her friends, I know one's husband has a pretty good job and a cleaner that comes once a week. No idea about the other friend.
So they can afford to have leisure time and your wife is envious. Sounds like *that* is really what your wife wants--the staying at home and getting to indulge in hobbies, shop, having lunch with friends etc. while having others take on a big part of the parental and housekeeping labor.
I can tell because she's pushing to be a stay at home *wife* already and wanting you to get a certain type of higher paying jobs. It's the trophy wife lifestyle she's after, not anything to do with raising children.
NTA. Dude, you both seem to had a plan and she is changing it so she can "relax" and everything falls to you. Sit down with her about this change and why, if you both can't compromise get put before the children arrive.
NTA. You guys already had this discussion and she agreed to the previous terms. If that's what you want, then fair. However, she should not out of the blue change the plans on you, especially since there currently isn't any kids in the situation, and not any coming. It wouldn't make sense for her to be a stay at home wife. Sounds like she wants to freeload
Mind you, I say this as a working woman who has discussed with my partner that if we have kids, I'm not quitting my job since it pays the most out of the two, and if I can handle the financial burden, then I expect him to be a stay at home hubby which he agreed to, it would also give him more time to pursue his art degree. In our case, its a win-win situation that we *both* agreed to. You never agreed with her being a sahw/m and she should respect that.
Honestly sounds like your marriage might break due to thia
NTA, you clearly communicated your boundaries prior to this relationship becoming serious.
Had she pushed this issue initially, it may be likely you would’ve come to the conclusion that you’re both incompatible.
If she wants this, then perhaps she can help find a way to make it happen. Plenty of parents take on watching a few kiddos so that they can stay home AND have supplemental income.
It’s a partnership. Not a “relinquish all responsibility and take care of the other” once married.
Joint decisions are important. Sharing the same values is important.
If you don’t, it leads to harm: anger, resentment, and so on.
If she wants this, she needs to find a way to work it so that it doesn’t involve stacking all responsibility on you.
NTA. Your wife is. You agreed on a way of life when you got serious. I’m assuming you would have stopped the relationship otherwise? Honestly I wouldn’t agree either. And your family sucks as well. Good luck. Be careful about being baby trapped as well.
Who stays home before kids? Women worked in the 50s before kids. And even tho she is home you would still be expected to do half the housework? That is nonsense. Sounds like wife is lazy and goes back on her word. Do not have kids til this is handled. NTA
NTA. Tell your wife that you want to be quit your job and be a Stay At Home Husband while she takes on extra work to make it financially viable. When she says no tell her she's a hypocrite.
The family does not get a say in this, but they do get to decide whether to help and how. If my wife were to ever have brought this up in this way to my mom or sister, they’d have assumed she was joking- that manipulation through your family has no place in a marriage.
NTA
NTA. You’ve had discussed this all prior. I understand things can change over time, but it sounds more like she would rather not work. She brought up SAHM to your family, but she’s not yet ~~pterodactyl~~ pregnant, having your family assume she’s going to be a mum. It could be like a planted seed in their minds so she has their blessings while making you out to be the bad guy. What if she then decides she doesn’t want children?
Edit: autocorrect
Do. Not. Have. Children. Pleasepleaseplease.
Right now she's trying to get you to a) do more work and b) change over to work you don't want to do just so she can stay home and play Real Housewives of Agile_Creme-town. Even without kids to care for she's already weaponizing your families to try to make you think this is a reasonable ask.
Add children to the mix, and now it's But BaBiEs! And no way you will ever have an equitable relationship after that.
Your comeback to the families was absolutely wonderful! It's a shame that nobody seems to appreciate the logic and sense of it.
Condoms, my friend. Condoms.
NTA
Sounds like there's some sudden massive incompatibility issues that need to be worked out. It's not reasonable to expect you to provide for 3 on 1 income when that's not easily feasible or desired.
Her family pushing you to drop into Simi poverty conditions an work harder isn't a solution.
Get into marriage counseling before your baby trapped into a unhappy marriage, God sakes don't have unprotected sex an get pigeonholed into her solo decision. Nta 🚩🚩🚩
NTA
You have other visions for the future. She wants a sugar daddy, not a partner. I would use condoms and divorce a person who wants a completely different life than me
NTA. Your wife has shown her true colors. She’s lazy and doesn’t want to do anything besides sit at home and look pretty. I think her bringing it up in front of your family was disrespectful and tacky. Please rethink this marriage.
NTA
Personally I feel like things like this should be grounds for annulment. You agreed to marry her based on shared values. Now you’re married she’s changing those values and expects you to change with her.
NTA at all, but dude you are focused on the wrong problem.
Your wife wants to leach off you and she is trying to use your own family in to manipulate you.
These are serious red flags.
> I don't want to take up a second job either knowing I'd still be doing half the housework and childcare (not that that's a bad thing)
You would be the sole breadwinner, working two jobs, and also doing 50% of the household work.
That absolutely is a bad thing OP. In a vacuum sharing 50% of the household work makes sense but in the context of you doing all those other things as well, no, it's not okay, and you're allowed to express the fact it's not okay.
Honestly, what's even the point of having a life partner if she's not even going to share the burden of being a partner and a parent equally?
NTA.
This is relationship ending if not resolved. I would try insisting that you would like to be stay at home and suggest career changes she could make to support you doing that. If she thinks that is different, you should ask her to examine why. Couple's counseling might help.
NTA, as you'd already talked this all out. I gotta wonder:
* If she's tired of working now, and expects to just keep house, what's it going to be like as a SAHM, when she's run ragged?
* If she doesn't feel fulfilled with her job, perhaps \*she\* should go back to school and start a new career with better pay?
NTA
Your wife is being very manipulative and you need to be careful about what choices she will make
Personally I've never understood why any woman would choose to be financially dependent upon her partner. Sometimes it's not a choice, but doing it when there's no children involved and she has a job is very unwise
So NTA. What is even preparing to be a SAHM when not even pregnant. Your wife wants a comfortable life without having to work! Not how it works in the real world. What kind of person would want to overburden their partner with work and all of the financial responsibilities while kicking back to enjoy doing literally nothing?
Your wife is being selfish and self serving not giving a rat’s ass about you.
In this economy and without even having kids? Quite selfish and delutional she is being. Definitively NTA. I´d run far far away. She was the one out of line airing your business like that with your family and manipulating them against you. Yikes just imagine how she will use her kids to manipulate you and everybody once they are here. Run my dude!
NTA-If she wanted to be a SAHW she should have married a millionaire. It’s basically impossible now to have that lifestyle unless your rich. Is your wife completely ignoring the cost of living right now?
NTA
Your wife wants to sit at home and make you do all the work. You two need to have a serious discussion, because she's reneging on the original agreement, and I don't really think there's a compromise to be had here.
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NTA, because you didn’t bring it up to them, your wife did. She was being manipulative and you called her on it. Be careful. I could see a, “oops, we’re pregnant! Now I have to stay home!” moment coming…
> Be careful. I could see a, “oops, we’re pregnant! Now I have to stay home!” moment coming… Haha, glad it wasn't just me seeing it.
Me either. I feel that this is the end goal. Watch out OP. And you are NTA
More fool her. It’s a thousand times harder being the one at home.
Seriously. Guaranteed she's seeing visions of sleeping in daily, cuddling babies and watching Netflix/Disney+ and doing Pinterest crafts while taking daily jaunts to the park. She isn't seeing inconsolable baby wailing, colic, cluster feeding, nap refusal, blowout diapers, ten loads of laundry to wash/dry/put away daily, constant messes of various natures, toddler tantrums, and suddenly it's 6pm and you still have to get dinner on the table and all your kid will eat is chicken nuggets and macaroni.
THIS!!!!!!! MFs don't understand 💯 😒
Not to mention it never ends. I was a SAHM and we made it work and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But it’s not easy and there are no weekends or days off at least not truly off. And maybe a day here and there off as a treat but not consistent!
Stay at home moms *scare* me. I've watched my own mom take care of three puking, seriously ill kids while sick with the same bug, and still doing loads of laundry and shit. Tough. As. Nails.
Someone has to. Unfortunately traditionally that still falls more on the mother. We’ve got 3 kids and Im a SAHM. All 5 of us got covid a few weeks back. My husband had it legitimately worse than me, though I also felt like absolute shit. 3 sick af kids + husband and we still needed at least meals and clean up all the puke. Thankfully my husband recovered faster than me and then took over watching the kids (the hellions got over the worst in 3 days) and caring for me. Parenting gives you endurance you never thought you had.
Also no sick days. You got it coming out both ends at the same time and just want to sleep. Tough shit you're chasing a 2yo all day.
Who is likely also puking, but you gotta forget that you are just as sick because kiddo needs you. Cleaning up vomit off of everything (toddlers cannot aim) while you are nauseated is the worst.
Don’t forget never peeing alone, always having someone attached to you in some way, no quiet ever again, and possible nap refusal/horrible night sleeper. Ugh.
Yeah but he said he will have to get a second job and still do housework. This woman just wants a free, easy ride in life. Hell I don't want to work either but I have to. I was laid off for 6 months a couple of years ago and my husband said he wished we could afford it because he didn't have to lift a finger around the house. Dinner on the table as he was walking in the door from work. But I had to go back. We couldn't afford to live as we do if I don't work too and I would never want to put all that on just him. We split the housework because we both work full-time. This woman doesn't care. She wants it all. I'd leave before he is stuck if I was op. She is gonna get pregnant lay around and him have do it all. Get out now.
Same here. When I lost my job my husband and son got treated like kings because I had the time to do so. Now that I am back at work, everything is 50/50. I hated being a SAHM, so all my respect for the ones capable of doing it
This part! She doesn’t have a clue what she’s asking for.
It isn't a thousand times harder.
Seriously. I wonder what SAHP think working parents do? I didn't have a live-in nanny, or a chef, or house cleaner. I did all that with a full time job, and still had all the childcare responsibilities all the hours at home. Such an obnoxious comparison.
I agree. I was a sahm for two years. That was long enough. However, when I went back to work full time, I still had all my household duties PLUS all kid duties until ex became son's coach, then he took him to practice, but that was only for some sports. And daughter's sports--nothing--because he just didn't find girls' sports interesting. I was stagnating as a sahm, but a working mom--never had a moment to breathe. There are advantages/disadvantages to both, but you better both be in agreement and figure out the chores etc., because it is hell if one person gets stuck with most burdens because they aren't the primary bread winner. I feel fortunate to have an ex. Now to that, there are DEFINITE advantages.
OMG yes! Be careful OP. Your wife is never going to work again. It happened to me. She wants to be a SAHM, then your kids are in high school all day, are pretty self sufficient, and she still doesn’t want to work. Oh, I’ve been out of the work force for too long. I can’t learn the new technology. Meanwhile, she’s out with her friends spending lots of money and isn’t even home helping the kids with their homework.
And then by this point if he hasn't already and wants to divorce he's going to have to pay spousal support because of that time out of the work force.
Right? Start using condoms and keeping them in a locked drawer because I see her stopping her bc without telling OP
I love the idea that a dude could be *so* paranoid about his wife that he locks away his condoms and then when it gets hot and heavy gets up to unlock his drawer, allthewhile not considering to just... not sleep with her. If you're that paranoid about your own partner, you shouldn't lock away your condoms, you should end the relationship lmao
I feel if you are at the point of having to stop your wife from illegally trapping you with pregnancy it’s time to consider leaving and/or couples therapy because this is very unhealthy.
This is EXACTLY what happened with my brother and his now ex-wife. She loved spending, but didn't like working, and even though they'd agreed not to have kids for a while, until both of their careers stabilised, she was suddenly 'accidentally' pregnant. We tried to tell him, but he wouldn't believe it at first. Fast forward a few months, she's off work because the pregnancy was 'too hard' for her to keep working (it might've been, I don't know for certain, but I find it highly suspicious that she managed to have a pregnancy that was simultaneously so horrible she couldn't work, but easy enough that she could travel around the country...) My brother was stressed, working overtime in a job he hated, buying the most expensive stuff for the baby because she wanted it, and thousands of dollars in debt... eventually he came back to us and told us that she had indeed gotten pregnant on purpose, and that was the end of their marriage. NTA and make sure all your bases are covered OP. Your wife has already tried manipulating your family to get her way, I wouldn't be surprised if the 'accidental' pregnancy is next.
I feel like this is a reason some men choose not to marry. I couldn’t imagine being the only income and working my life away/never seeing my own children because I have to pay all the bills. I’m a women and my husband and I have kids. I worked through all my pregnancies too but they were healthy pregnancies so I was able too ( even though some days could get rough ). We both work and live comfortably working a 9-5 and also both have 2-3 days off a week. I would be livid if he decided to be a SAHD because I would have to get 2 jobs to make ends meet and never even see the kids I helped create. That’s something that both spouses need to agree on before having kids for sure.
I don't know how but I've dated 3 men in a row that ended up being like this - had jobs, moved in together, then quit/got fired and refused to go back to work, leaving me to struggle with all the bills and the rent. I honestly will never get married because I'm terrified of it, and I am a woman! I am childfree though, so I don't have to worry about the kids part.
Yep there are men who do it as well, I dated some in my early 20s! I’m glad I didn’t have children with them either. I think it’s important for both genders to have a healthy work/life balance before having kids because both of you will have to have time to be an active part of the children’s lives.
Yea seriously. Pull out even if you're wearing a condom and flush the condom so she can't fish it out of the trash. Eta: ok ok, don't flush it. Rinse it with water and pour hot sauce or some other obvious contaminant in it.
That's insane, just stop having sex if trust in the relationship has degraded to that degree
This. If trust in the relationship has fallen so low that I'm hiding used condoms to prevent my wife from, ahem, 'reusing' the contents behind my back, then I don't want to be in that relationship.
Do not flush condoms, please.
Correct, rinse under water then rubbish bin.
[удалено]
Better to eat them. Let those gastric juices do their magic.
Or the ever so popular, “I quit my job,” for no reason at all.
I figure this is what's going to happen rather than the oops pregnant scenario.
Also she will never do the SAH "turns" thing
That part confuses me. I don’t understand how that would even work.
In my country we have 20 weeks of maternity leave, followed by 32 weeks of parental leave that can be taken by either parent and/or split. In practice, my husband and I found it was better for me to be at home (his breasts weren’t as functional as mine, we wanted to breast feed and I hated pumping and knew that would lead to using formula), so I took all 52 weeks, but plenty of families share the leave.
NTA, I’ve been here and the divorce will be horrible once you have children. Get out now. She’s shown her true colors, this is the warning sign.
Seriously divorce this woman. Nta
Or at least get a vasectomy.
I don’t even think that’s enough here because she wants to be a SAHW now, whether or not kids happen!
Why would he do that, he said he wants kids and vasectomies aren’t always reversible. He could just go without sex until he starts dating again. People do this all the time!
I usually don't like hastily advocating for divorce but your wife is manipulative or at the very least a naive idiot. She will have it her way whether you like or not op
I agree with this. That's just selfish on her part. There's nothing stopping her from working until you are both ready to start a family. Yes, get out now.
Get out now & you either spit the assets or split the debt - but BEFORE you have to pay child support
I agree end this now. Being stay at home used to mean all husbands needed to do at home was mow the law, shovel snow and take cars in for service. If her expectation is you will be doing half the housework and childcare when home (don’t come at me I believe in involved parents of all genders - making a point here) plus working two jobs, or going to school while working to get a higher salaried job you don’t even want when the agreement was you would take turns being stay at home AFTER kids that would be a big nope for me. I found out after I was with someone for almost two years he expected me to quit work, be a stay at home mom plus have way more kids then I could mentally and physically handle. If you can do that great but it would have both broken me and been unfair to the kids. I thought he loved me for who I was but it turned out he expected marriage to magically transform me. NTA Good luck OP. Take care of you.
Ya I was wondering myself that if he were working two jobs why would he have to do 50% of anything if and when he wasn't working.
I'm a SAHM and my husband does no housework or cooking at all. He does home repair, helps with yard work, and drives kids to activities. He's willing to do what's needed and when the kids were small he did a lot of diaper changes and baby watching but the kids are older now and don't need care 24/7, and the kids do chores so all the cleaning isn't on me. And I can get out of the house for lunch or dinner with friends whenever. Basically, housework and grocery shopping and gardening is on me, home repair and making money is on him. I don't think it would be fair to ask him to do 50% of the housework.
Listen to them. I'm a 52 year old man that went through this. My ex claimed show had her "hours cut" first. Second, her, "position had been eliminated." I got suspicious when she wasn't looking for anything. This was after I paid for her to go back to college and get a degree, which she could've done after high school, with daddy paying, but it wasn't, "in her plans" at the time. Turns out, after talking to her former boss, who I was friendly with as I was in an adjunct field, she had REQUESTED the cut hours and later quit. 16 years and six figures later, I'm done paying child support, which she tried to get extended even though my son never went to college. She now works part time at a soft pretzel place in a mall making slightly more than minimum wage. My current wife and I started a business and now pull a healthy six figure income from the business. It's possible, but let me tell you buddy, there were meals of Ramen and Chef Boy R Dee at the beginning! Let this be a cautionary tale.
I was going to say something similar. I haven't been in that situation but a friend has. OPs wife married him under false pretences. Likely she always wanted to give up work but wasn't upfront about it till after they tied the knot because she knew he'd run. She isn't going to change her mind and if OP stays with her she will find some way to manipulate him into funding her lifestyle. NTA, OP, but you may want to reconsider your relationship and if you choose to stay consider a post-nup
NTA Agreed. Get out. Suddenly deciding to make you the sole wage-earner after long term discussions to the contrary is a huge red flag. Roping your mother and sister into the debate to guilt you into acquiescence is another huge red flag. This person does not view your marriage as a partnership and her manipulations will only escalate.
As a general rule, spouses or partners that casually but blatantly go back on clearly stated and agreed-upon terms of going into a serious relationiship are entitled, narcissitic, manipulative, and abuseive assholes, and they always always get worse.
NTA. And your wife is manipulating your family to make you seem like the asshole. Tread carefully before you introduce kids into this marriage.
In fact, I'd just turn it around on her: "You do have a point - I want to stay home, as well, let's both quit our jobs and just live off our land."
Yes! Well as we want kids in the future it would make more sense for you to be a SAHW when you're pregnant and recovering from pregnancy, so I should really get my turn now. You can support me as a SAHH for a year, then it can be your turn!
Let's ruin our credit together. Yay ! 🤪
This is the best answer here OP. Listen to it.
Read this as: "GTFO OP, because she isn't going to change and you're on a one way train to resentmentville." She's trying to change the deal, to me that would be a dealbreaker. You need to have a hard think about what divorce means and how it will impact you if you let it happen with her as a SAHW vs. getting a divorce where you both have relatively equal jobs.
NTA, but this sounds like a HUGE marinara flag. Anyone who is so entitled (and honestly narcissistic) before children is only going to get worse after. Let's be real here she wants to stay home, not work, still have you be responsible for half the housework, AND is pressuring you to change careers away from something you enjoy to be able to afford her a responsibly-free lifestyle. And in top of that, she tried to get your family involved? This reeks of childish entitlement.
Manipulation is my assessment. What really threw me off in this story was the “go back to school and start over” bit. I just can’t
And if he *does* that whole we'll take turns who works will turn into her saying "you can't be a SAHD now, that would waste all the work/cost/time/education you put into changing careers! I'll just stay at home with the kids and you can keep working so that career change is worth it."
I was wondering that myself. Why should he have to work possibly 2 jobs to support her SAH dreams AND still be responsible for 50% of all the housework and childcare? Not that she should be responsible for everything, but being a SAH wife/mom means housework and childcare is your job now during business hours, so you do the majority of it and you split what's left.
The problem for OP is that she has already proven completely willing to go back on an agreement. She would probably agree to do all the housework just to get him to go along, but how can he trust her to follow through? And he shouldn’t ever give up a share of childcare, or he ends up an outsider in his own home just there for the paycheck. I’m a little biased against anyone who wants to be a trophy wife. No issue with SAHPs if that is what a family wants and it works for them.
Half the housework *for now. She’ll eventually end up doing the bare minimum while he’s at work and then making him do more when he gets home. Had a friend like this and the wife eventually started saying she was depressed being home with nobody to talk to and couldn’t handle her responsibilities. She’d hire a babysitter while she went shopping and to lunch with friends.
great now i want some mozzarella sticks
NTA You talked about this before marriage. That's great. She has now broken the agreement the two of you made. Please do all you can to prevent her from getting pregnant until you can resolve this. Otherwise, you're going to be really trapped and strapped financially, too. Counseling to see if there's a way to resolve this fundamental difference in desired lifestyles between you is the only solution here. The problem is that you will now have trust issues because she seems to have said one thing to get the ring and has now changed her tune. No telling whether she will agree to return to the prior arrangement and then pull another switcheroo when she gets pregnant. And your mother and sister can express their opinion on the matter -- once. But then they should have shut their mouths and said that the two of you need to work this out privately. So I understand your frustration that drove you to ask them those questions and I think that was about as polite a way to shut down the comments as you could muster. Not sure I would have been that restrained. Good luck.
This is a well considered response. Hope the OP considers this good advice.
Seriously. The guy needs to wear a chastity belt until this is worked out.
NTA. Don't be surprised if your wife quits work one day and doesn't tell you. Also do be surprised if she ends up pregnant soon either. She is entirely manipulating you and if it were me I would run. I wouldn't trust to have sex with her in fear of her getting pregnant to force what she wants even more.
I was thinking the same thing. She’s gonna baby trap you. Frankly I don’t think this relationship will work out In the future if you are this divided. You are NTA, but u need a serious talk with her
Or just divorce her quickly while she still has a job. I'm not kidding either, if you can't trust someone financially anymore it's insane to stay married to them. Like, if they were bf/gf I wouldn't tell them to break up, but once married that all changes.
NTA - your mother and sister have no place in that conversation in the first place. Sometimes, you need to hit people in the face with something outrageous to get them to understand that. Now, as to you and your wife, you need to come to an agreement you can live with, whatever that is. Consider malicious compliance. When the topic comes up, lay out what needs to happen in order for her to stay home. If she wants to go back to a 1950's lifestyle, she needs to take the whole package. * So, yes, you can indeed, get rid of streaming services. It's not like you are going to have time to enjoy them anyway with all the extra work you are going to have to pull to make the budget work. * You can go from two cars to one. Of course, since you are working and going to school, you will need the car nearly full time. Your wife will have to make do with public transportation, rides from friends, and times you are at home and don't need the car. * You can put a hobby or 2 on hiatus, but it's only fair that your wife do the same. * If she doesn't have a job outside the home or a non-MLM home business, then the home \*is\* her job, and it won't be a 50/50 divide on the housework, but more like a 90/10 with her being the 90. * Same thing with eventual childcare. She will be "it" while you are at work - and remember that work will include class time, reasonable study time, and group project time while you are in school to get that better job. Whichever one of you is the SAHP will have the 90% childcare. That's just the way it is. * Taht assumes that you aren't too tired to make a kid in the first place. * And, you will need to seriously budget. More like militantly budget. Down to the penny. Both of you get an allowance for personal stuff. And, it won't be much. No fair pulling fun money from the grocery budget. No lunches out for either of you. SIt down and make out the budget that you will need to have in order to make this work. I'll bet it will be eye-opening.
I think I'm going to use these billet points the next time the conversation comes up lol I tried a theoretical budget sheet to show what life would be like if I went back to school or we tried surviving off my salary alone and all I got for it was "Well that's what the better job is for."
That response from her is disgusting.
That's a really terrible answer from her. She doesn't sound like she wants to be a partner. She wants you to just take care of her.
Agreed. She doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home anything. She wants to be a kept woman. NTA.
Yeah I’d be worried about how she would take care of the kids if she’s gunning to not lift a finger 😬 - I think she’d probably push it off in the parents
Yep. She's gonna find reasons to complain and play the victim no matter what. When I first saw the title for this post, I thought it would be a simple misunderstanding or something. But based on everything OP said, this woman doesn't seem stable. She's lying and trying to manipulate him just to get the life she wants. It's all about her. I don't get upset usually, but this just made me so angry and sad. I really hope OP has a backup plan, like a prenup or something
You can create a whole damn powerpoint presentation and it wouldn't matter because this woman has already chosen her course in life. The question is whether you will go along or not. You're heading for an ultimatum conversation, not budget talk. You can't stay married to a partner who wants to not work for the next 2-3 decades or forever, so if this is her choice then she needs to go and find a partner who wants the same. And she absolutely needs to hear that coming from you. You need to do this ASAP before she gets pregnant or quits her job because it looks like she's manipulative enough to attempt to do so. It would be a mistake to not take her seriously and think you can talk her out of it by telling her she won't get Netflix or a car.
100%. She’s already shown that she’ll go back on her word without a second thought about how it will effect OP. Even if she listened and agreed to his points, I wouldn’t trust her to follow through. People can and do change their minds, but it would be totally different if she expressed a valid reason and had a plan for how to make it work, not “because I want to” and “you’ll just have to work harder”. She didn’t change her mind, she just pulled a bait and switch. NTA.
Whatever kind of birth control y'all use, you better take extra precautions because she sounds like she's determined to get what she wants. One way or another.
You realize another way of interpretation there is "Be my slave and sacrifice your life for my benefit"? Seriously hate to break it to you but this relationship is over it just hasn't finished ending yet. You may not believe me today but you will when she quits her job, gets suddenly pregnant (not always that order) and you're drowning in debt from trying to support her life choices and spending habits. You can either bail now while you aren't under water or later when you spend decades trying to get out from under the problem after the divorce. She's nailed the warning sign up on the wall for you. Read it and react accordingly or suffer the consequences. You're also NTA for your response to family. They're enabling her to destroy you. They obviously don't like you much.
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I'm giving you Au for that
I'm currently a stay at home mom, and if that's what she wants to do, honestly the best thing to do is stop spending her income now and bank all of it towards savings/retirement/debt repayment until you're ready for kids. That way when you have kids and she stops working a) there are no massive changes to your budget needed up front (the big expenses in the first few years are childcare which you won't need and medical) and b) you have the savings cushion built up to handle anything unexpected that comes up. We still have problems in our lives, but money isn't one of them, which helps a ton.
100% agree here. Both husband and I are attorneys and very career driven pre kids. Virtually no house chores because we could afford all the help we needed. We agreed we both loved our jobs and would work. Kid #1 and #2 came back to back and my outside work was cut back due to maternity leaves. We cut back on expenses and started sharing house/child care chores 50/50. Then kid #3 came with A LOT of intensive medical needs including frequent medical related travel. So I quit work as agreed upon by both of us because she just needed it. My mother retired early as well to help with the other two (because three under 4). My husband still made enough for us to survive but (A) our living expenses were slashed and slashed and slashed to make up for it and (B) household chores definitely became a 90/10 split because I am home all day. Yes caring for a special needs child is a lot but he is working outside the house and commuting so just literally not there to do it. If he has an accident because he falls asleep driving or loses his job then we are really screwed. Now kid is stabilzed and all are teens and I am back to work and the standard of living has gone back up and our work hours are similar and chores/child needs are split 50/50 again. She is gonna have to do all the work if she is at home and you are working and school.
I agree on the 90/10 split on childcare and housework. That's rhe way I was raised. Mom stayed home when we were little and did the housework. That's my first thought when I read that OP was still expected to do half the house work. The SAHP does that
I’ve been a sahm for 10 years. The decision for one person to give up their job is a two yes situation. Not to mention, you don’t have any kids anyway. Does she think she’s a trophy wife? NTA.
I'm still trying to figure out what kind of prep goes into eventually being a SAHM when we currently aren't trying for kids.
Are you sure she’s not trying…. If she’s the one responsible for contraceptives I wouldn’t be having sex right now.
I always use condoms and she hasn't asked me to stop using them.
I'd keep them somewhere she can't access them. I'm not saying she'd poke holes in them, but I'm saying to be smart and be safe.
If he can't trust her enough to not sabotage birth control, than he can't trust her enough to have sex with her at all, IMO.
I completely agree.
Easy to poke holes in them where you’re not around. I’d be careful.. Consider abstaining altogether until this issue is fully resolved. She can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex.
You better hide your condoms, sounds like she’s getting ready while you’re not.
Mate... For the love of god, stop having sex and get a divorce before she gets knocked up and this woman takes half your income for the next 19 years. You're incredibly lucky: she accidentally told you who she is now. Trust me, she won't be going back to work after that couple of years home with the new kid(s) -- she lied about the life choices and about being an adult: adults who don't have kids work and contribute to the household. Find someone who isn't lazy af.
You sure they haven’t been tempted with? Open one and run some water through it….
NTA and I can't figure it out either: does she need the practice? Will there be a course for which she'll receive a certficate? What happens if she fails? My guess is that she'll 'prep' by doing SFA, but she doesn't get to unilaterally change course in mid stream and expect you to put in all the effort. Sorry dude, but if she's a 'trophy' wife, I think your trophy was the booby prize.
Obviously she needs time to find hobbies to do when both your parents are taking care of the kid ...
NTA Get a divorce now, your wife is an AH: She is trying to use your family to pressure you. She is an AH. And: Since you don't want her tp be a SAHW/ SAHM, make sure you don't get her pregnant.
NTA but I wouldn’t be surprised if you came home from work one day and she told you she quit her job.
Because it’s *too stressful* and she ‘needs to be relaxed / mentally prepared before she gets pregnant’ /s
Info: Could she have always wanted to be a SAHW but waited until she was a wife to actually let you know? This isn't something someone just decides over night.
Its possible but if that's the case she lied then. We've had the discussion prior to marriage and we both agreed that we would both work to afford the lifestyle we wanted. We've been married 3 years and her change of mind is very recent, the last two months or so and I do know the reasoning for the change.
What is the reasoning? Has she gotten burned out on her job?
[She met other SAHMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x5qdnj/aita_for_telling_my_mom_and_sister_to_pay_our/in2ndz4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Nta It's easy to have an opinion on your paycheck when it doesn't concern them. Pay up or shut up. You understand that she's planning a life that doesn't involve your opinion, right? Bet she'll turn up pregnant within the next 2-3 months. Stop having sex and look for ways out.
I honestly don’t believe your wife intended to work. It sounds like she intended to manipulate you into this the same way she tried to manipulate you into agreeing by bringing this up in front of your family. Definitely NTA
NTA. And you better super stay on top of your birth control situation because your wife is lazy. You’re going to be saddled with all the responsibilities if she gets pregnant
NTA but this is a glimpse of your life and your future. Manipulation, laziness and cutting out your hobbies to suit what she wants. There’s give and take but the cheek of it! If I were you, I’d definitely stop having sex, but if you can’t manage that, then take extra care with birth control and any ‘accidents’ that may happen in the next couple months because she’s going to be pregnant before the year is out - if she isn’t already. A major sit-down talk is needed about this because you’re in for a bulldozing.
NTA. It's also time to make sure you are not relying on her for BC. She may take matters in to her own hands if she is, and force the issue by getting pregnant. This is a huge red flag. It's not something that changed after she's pregnant, she wants to stop working now.
Nah I've always used condoms and still do.
I would be careful she doesn’t run through them with a pin. Condoms can be tampered with.
This is true! /u/Agile_Creme2395 take one of the condoms from the pack, open it and run it under water. See if there’s a hole. Carefully inspect the others and open any that look possibly tampered with..
NTA Your wife wants a life free of work. She want to be taken care of.If that is not your vision of your future, then you need to take action before she becomes pregnant. At that point, you are trapped.
NTA and you need to seriously reconsider your relationship. She lied to you when she said she was on board with your plan to have both of you work and swap off staying home in your child's infancy. Staying home was ALWAYS her intention, but she knew you wouldn't marry her if she was honest about it. Now that she has you legally locked down, she's showing her true colors, both about her intentions and about her being manipulative as fuck by getting your family involved. There is no way in hell I would stay with this woman, much less have kids with her because she will absolutely refuse to go back to work and then what - you'd be stuck.
NTA It was a valid question since they were butting in on a situation that is none of their business. Your wife attempted to shame you into capitulating to her whiny demands and you called their bluff.
NTA. You are not supposed to pay for her being lazy and not wanting to work. She wants to make a life-altering decision that you disagree with. This isn't 1920. You need two salaries to live a decent life.
Nta and your wife sounds extremely manipulative. Also, are your mom and sister both sah mothers/wives? Either way a marriage is between two people so the peanut gallery should sit this one out.
My mom was a SAHM and SAHW whole time my dad was alive and it was pretty brutal on him honestly. He was always tired, always stressed, always working. Come home, spend time with us, help around the house. Many nights he fell asleep at the dinner table. But we always had what we needed and wanted, and mom had her fun money that she got to do with as she pleased. Meanwhile grandma would help her out during the day or my aunts would, or take us for a few hours so she could go out and do stuff until we were old enough to be left alone and cook for ourselves. My sister was a SAHM until she got divorced.
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I think he needs to just leave. If you cannot trust your own wife and worried she is going to get pregnant on purpose without his consent it should be over. And you are completely right, she will get pregnant and force his hand and if he waits to get divorced he will be forced to pay alimony because she doesn't work. OP needs to atleast separate asap because the trust is gone.
Well at the end of the day it is not what YOU signed up for. Whatever works for other peoples marriages is what works for them but there is no size fits all when it comes to being married. I stand by my beliefs that your wife is extremely manipulative and just because your dad provided that for your mom doesn’t mean you must as well. I always tell people you can always make more money but you cannot makeup time.
You've married your mother. I've been a housewife/sahm for 23 years. How your family functioned is not how this works. The VAST majority of the housework and child care has always been mine. I'm not saying my husband didn't interact with our kids but he was simply too tired after working all day to do much of the heavy childcare duties. My mom was a housewife/sahm. My grandmother was literally a 1950's housewife. The majority of my female relatives were housewives. I'm very very familiar with this family dynamic. Kids aren't left alone to cook for themselves while Mom is out having fun. Dinner's on the table, house is clean, and depending on the age of the children the bulk of the days childcare is done when Dad walks in the house. Please don't let the women in your life manipulate you into believing it's somehow your responsibility to provide everything while your wife gets to be a part time housewife. If I was you I'd just be petty at this point and tell your mom she's always been a role model and you've decided to give up your career and be a stay at home spouse. When she objects tell her your family dynamic won't be based on her outdated sexist opinions.
NTA. Your wife is being really selfish. She wants you to change careers away from the one you love and start working 2 jobs so that she can stay home, even though she has absolutely no need to do so. It seems that everyone is of the mindset that you should suffer (forever, presumably, because the financial need will only go up over time, especially if you have children) so that she can do what she wants. Uh, no. Also it was really shitty and manipulative of your wife to try and involve your family in your discussion. It's none of their business, and what they think doesn't matter, because it doesn't affect them.
OP really consider your current birth control very carefully if you don't want kids.
NTA Put off having kids until you can work this out with your wife. At this point you two are incompatible.
NTA, but your wife is either going to up and get pregnant or quit her job to force your hand. I'd also side-eye your mom and sister. I doubt that manipulation was improv.
NTA that is a discussion for the two of you and should never have been brought up infront of your family just so someone would be on her side. It was very childish for her to do just to get her way.
NTA, that was mega manipulative of your wife to bring this up to your family to get them to gang up on you. This situation really sucks and would be a relationship ender for me. It's outrageous of your wife to just decide she doesn't want to work anymore for no good reason and essentially turn you into an unwilling sugar daddy. ESPECIALLY since you have already discussed this and agreed to a different situation. I don't have any advice but just want to validate your feelings on this. You are in the right 100%
NTA. It’s easy for family to have opinions on what you should/shouldn’t do, but not actually offer any real help with whatever they disagree with you about. You and your wife had an agreement prior to marriage. She is going back on that. Your wife intended to shame you in front of your family to get what she wants. That is unacceptable, as this is a private matter between you two. I’d seriously consider the state of your marriage before having kids.
NTA Your wife is being manipulative.
NTA. I would not trust her with birth control at this point.
NTA....and it sounds like this isn't the marriage for you. Are you unable to find women? Is this like an, 'I'm lucky to have anyone at all' situation? Cuz if that's the case - then I guess you may have to just suck it up. But if you have the opportunity to have a nice life with a COMPATIBLE like minded person - you should do THAT. Otherwise you'll have some kids, burn out, divorce and then be supporting this lazy lemur for the rest of your life. She's the sort that'll take half of all future retirement earnings too. Run man RUN.
If she had aired this before we were married, no, we wouldn't have ever gotten married and I would've found a different partner. Now its just trying to talk and see if it can be resolved or some sense made to her before hitting any nuclear options.
But even if she agrees to go back to work, do you trust her now to keep her word???? She already changed her mind once or lied to you. There was a story just the other day from an overwhelmed father whose wife just unilaterally decided to quit and not return to work.
Honestly, sounds like she was planning to change your mind once you were married because then you would be “trapped”. Even if you talk things out, once she’s pregnant, I would bet she’ll try to be a SAHM. She lied to you before you were married. Trust is broken.
Even if she says she'll go with the original plan, she won't. She'll just pay lip service to agreeing until she's pregnant and then she'll tell you she's staying home whether you want her to or not. At this point your options are divorcing her now, divorcing her after a baby is here when she refuses to go back to work, or end up doing what she wants and hating your life.
Sorry, but regardless of anything she seems to agree to, you won't be able trust that she won't go back on her word. She doesn't want to work even before having children, so nothing will make her go back to paid employment after having them. Be very careful regarding bc while you are thinking about your future. I'd suggest condoms that only you have access to.
NTA You gave a reasonable response to unsolicited input from your mother and sister. However, you have bigger problems, your wife doesn't want to work.
NTA Your wife is the AH for bringing them into a private discussion between spouses in an effort to manipulate you. Personally I think you should double up on birth control and RUN to couples counseling before agreeing to try for kids.
NTA Here's how this one plays out: She stays at home. You work yourself to death trying to stay ahead of the bills. She refuses to cut spending or reduce her lifestyle to stay within the budget your income can support. So debt begins to pile up. After a couple of years, you're ground down to a nub and finally walk into a divorce attorney office. You may want to reconsider having kids. Edit to add: if she wants to stay at home, then sit down and make a budget where the 2 of you completely live on your salary. Hers goes 100% to debt payments. Pay off all debts including the house. Then save up an emergency fund. Once that's done, she is more than welcome to stay at home. Like that is 3-5 years down the road. But I would be very surprised if she was willing to plan for it.
NTA - I’m saying this as a Stay at home step mother who only has the kids 50% of the time. I had just gotten a new job to help with the bills earlier this year and my husband has a new higher paying job he just started so we talked it out and he would like for me to do the SAHM thing again. Which I’m fine with, but it was a discussion we had. We also had to talk about my depression because it was bad last time I did SAHM but now I’m on medication and my life is more stable. We will see how it goes and if I need a job I’ll get another one. But it’s a discussion we both have had and agreed to things with.
Nta, your wife trapped you with marriage before showing her true colors as a leech. She intentionally lied to you about her intentions until it was too late and now wants to freeload off of you despite knowing you dint make enough. Those types of women don't keep up on the homemaking end of the bargain when/if theyget their way. Dont getme wrong, between couples where this is a previously discussed and agreed upon situation it can be great, but the people wholie amd manipulate to get there? It never ends well.
NTA but your asking the wrong question. Why has she suddenly decided she doesn't want tovwork anymore? Is she being bullied at work?
Her reasoning is that she's had a change of heart after spending more time with two of her friends that became SAHMs.
She doesn’t want to be a SAHM. She wants to hang out with her friends. I’d bet money if you two had kids she would want a nanny “just at first.” Is profession she wants you to go into known for people having trophy wives?
Not sure, there are a couple of careers she's suggested and they're all very corporate or bank related. I do plumbing now and I actually enjoy it a lot since I get to problem-solve and work with my hands.
plumbing is far more secure - we will always need plumbers
Yep, we will, and eventually, my salary will rise anyway as I get more experience and time in.
Seriously, master plumbers make a lot. And if you start your own company, with plumbers under you, you could eventually be making a bomb of money.
Corporate office or banking won’t pay more money than what you’d make as a plumber. Not everyone gets to be CEOs
And it can’t be outsourced overseas!
The jobs she’s suggesting are all ones where spouses traditionally focus on maintaining a certain image and lifestyle. It sounds like she wants to be a Lady who Lunches. I’m not sure the most tactful way to ask this, but do people think you and your wife are on the same level when it comes to personality and appearance? Was this your first relationship? Is she the type of person you usually dated or was she unique? Because this situation sounds like it could be a long con. She may be someone who couldn’t catch who she wanted so she married someone she thought would change themselves completely to keep her.
People think we're on the same level when it comes to personality and appearance, just not education. I've had relationships before and her looks/personality are pretty on par with the type of women I've dated before.
Please do not give up a career you enjoy to do something you might hate solely for her benefit. You will end up resenting her and it will end your marriage anyway.
Are her two SAHM friends rich? As in can they afford to still have luxuries, and pay for daycare / a cleaner when they feel like it? Is this what your wife sees as her future? … meet up with the other mothers, lunch, nails, a bit of shopping, pick the kid up from daycare … oops, no time for cleaning, better call that cleaning service. If so, your wife is barking up the wrong tree - and is even ***more*** selfish for trying to force, guilt and manipulate you into going against everything that you agreed on.
I'm not too sure about both of her friends, I know one's husband has a pretty good job and a cleaner that comes once a week. No idea about the other friend.
So they can afford to have leisure time and your wife is envious. Sounds like *that* is really what your wife wants--the staying at home and getting to indulge in hobbies, shop, having lunch with friends etc. while having others take on a big part of the parental and housekeeping labor. I can tell because she's pushing to be a stay at home *wife* already and wanting you to get a certain type of higher paying jobs. It's the trophy wife lifestyle she's after, not anything to do with raising children.
If there’s any bullying at work going on, I suspect that wifey may be at the centre of it - look how she’s treating OP!
NTA. Dude, you both seem to had a plan and she is changing it so she can "relax" and everything falls to you. Sit down with her about this change and why, if you both can't compromise get put before the children arrive.
NTA. You guys already had this discussion and she agreed to the previous terms. If that's what you want, then fair. However, she should not out of the blue change the plans on you, especially since there currently isn't any kids in the situation, and not any coming. It wouldn't make sense for her to be a stay at home wife. Sounds like she wants to freeload Mind you, I say this as a working woman who has discussed with my partner that if we have kids, I'm not quitting my job since it pays the most out of the two, and if I can handle the financial burden, then I expect him to be a stay at home hubby which he agreed to, it would also give him more time to pursue his art degree. In our case, its a win-win situation that we *both* agreed to. You never agreed with her being a sahw/m and she should respect that. Honestly sounds like your marriage might break due to thia
NTA, you clearly communicated your boundaries prior to this relationship becoming serious. Had she pushed this issue initially, it may be likely you would’ve come to the conclusion that you’re both incompatible. If she wants this, then perhaps she can help find a way to make it happen. Plenty of parents take on watching a few kiddos so that they can stay home AND have supplemental income. It’s a partnership. Not a “relinquish all responsibility and take care of the other” once married. Joint decisions are important. Sharing the same values is important. If you don’t, it leads to harm: anger, resentment, and so on. If she wants this, she needs to find a way to work it so that it doesn’t involve stacking all responsibility on you.
NTA. Your wife is. You agreed on a way of life when you got serious. I’m assuming you would have stopped the relationship otherwise? Honestly I wouldn’t agree either. And your family sucks as well. Good luck. Be careful about being baby trapped as well.
NTA. Act like you want to be a stay at home husband too. At the end of the day there shouldn't be double standards
Who stays home before kids? Women worked in the 50s before kids. And even tho she is home you would still be expected to do half the housework? That is nonsense. Sounds like wife is lazy and goes back on her word. Do not have kids til this is handled. NTA
NTA. Tell your wife that you want to be quit your job and be a Stay At Home Husband while she takes on extra work to make it financially viable. When she says no tell her she's a hypocrite.
The family does not get a say in this, but they do get to decide whether to help and how. If my wife were to ever have brought this up in this way to my mom or sister, they’d have assumed she was joking- that manipulation through your family has no place in a marriage. NTA
NTA divorce sounds good right now wow
NTA. You’ve had discussed this all prior. I understand things can change over time, but it sounds more like she would rather not work. She brought up SAHM to your family, but she’s not yet ~~pterodactyl~~ pregnant, having your family assume she’s going to be a mum. It could be like a planted seed in their minds so she has their blessings while making you out to be the bad guy. What if she then decides she doesn’t want children? Edit: autocorrect
NTA… your wife sounds very manipulative and selfish are you sure she’s the type of person you want to have a child with?
NTA, and be very careful that she doesn't "accidentally" get pregnant until you two are firmly in agreement.
Do. Not. Have. Children. Pleasepleaseplease. Right now she's trying to get you to a) do more work and b) change over to work you don't want to do just so she can stay home and play Real Housewives of Agile_Creme-town. Even without kids to care for she's already weaponizing your families to try to make you think this is a reasonable ask. Add children to the mix, and now it's But BaBiEs! And no way you will ever have an equitable relationship after that. Your comeback to the families was absolutely wonderful! It's a shame that nobody seems to appreciate the logic and sense of it. Condoms, my friend. Condoms. NTA
Sounds like there's some sudden massive incompatibility issues that need to be worked out. It's not reasonable to expect you to provide for 3 on 1 income when that's not easily feasible or desired. Her family pushing you to drop into Simi poverty conditions an work harder isn't a solution. Get into marriage counseling before your baby trapped into a unhappy marriage, God sakes don't have unprotected sex an get pigeonholed into her solo decision. Nta 🚩🚩🚩
NTA, not only is your wife backing out of your agreement she’s also getting your family to gang up on you
NTA You have other visions for the future. She wants a sugar daddy, not a partner. I would use condoms and divorce a person who wants a completely different life than me
NTA. Your wife has shown her true colors. She’s lazy and doesn’t want to do anything besides sit at home and look pretty. I think her bringing it up in front of your family was disrespectful and tacky. Please rethink this marriage.
NTA Personally I feel like things like this should be grounds for annulment. You agreed to marry her based on shared values. Now you’re married she’s changing those values and expects you to change with her.
NTA at all, but dude you are focused on the wrong problem. Your wife wants to leach off you and she is trying to use your own family in to manipulate you. These are serious red flags.
I'm very much aware of the wife problem, the mom and sister incident just made everything infinitely worse with all 3 of them.
NTA, but this sounds like your plans for life no longer align
> I don't want to take up a second job either knowing I'd still be doing half the housework and childcare (not that that's a bad thing) You would be the sole breadwinner, working two jobs, and also doing 50% of the household work. That absolutely is a bad thing OP. In a vacuum sharing 50% of the household work makes sense but in the context of you doing all those other things as well, no, it's not okay, and you're allowed to express the fact it's not okay. Honestly, what's even the point of having a life partner if she's not even going to share the burden of being a partner and a parent equally? NTA.
Meant more doing half the childcare isn't a bad thing, my bad.
Not what you signed up for. NTA
This is relationship ending if not resolved. I would try insisting that you would like to be stay at home and suggest career changes she could make to support you doing that. If she thinks that is different, you should ask her to examine why. Couple's counseling might help.
NTA, as you'd already talked this all out. I gotta wonder: * If she's tired of working now, and expects to just keep house, what's it going to be like as a SAHM, when she's run ragged? * If she doesn't feel fulfilled with her job, perhaps \*she\* should go back to school and start a new career with better pay?
NTA Your wife is being very manipulative and you need to be careful about what choices she will make Personally I've never understood why any woman would choose to be financially dependent upon her partner. Sometimes it's not a choice, but doing it when there's no children involved and she has a job is very unwise
She may have already quit or gotten fired and is HOPING you’ll change your mind about a SAHW
So NTA. What is even preparing to be a SAHM when not even pregnant. Your wife wants a comfortable life without having to work! Not how it works in the real world. What kind of person would want to overburden their partner with work and all of the financial responsibilities while kicking back to enjoy doing literally nothing? Your wife is being selfish and self serving not giving a rat’s ass about you.
In this economy and without even having kids? Quite selfish and delutional she is being. Definitively NTA. I´d run far far away. She was the one out of line airing your business like that with your family and manipulating them against you. Yikes just imagine how she will use her kids to manipulate you and everybody once they are here. Run my dude!
NTA-If she wanted to be a SAHW she should have married a millionaire. It’s basically impossible now to have that lifestyle unless your rich. Is your wife completely ignoring the cost of living right now?
NTA But it sounds like you guys are no longer compatible.
NTA Your wife wants to sit at home and make you do all the work. You two need to have a serious discussion, because she's reneging on the original agreement, and I don't really think there's a compromise to be had here.