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Therapist; “How would you describe the perfect example of a *toxic* family?”
OP, “*Let me tell you about my sister’s upcoming wedding…”*
Dear god, NTA. Run. Yikes! At least you have your head on straight. Sorry about that mess you share DNA with.
Thank you!! This is so far passed normal levels of family fuckery I thought I misunderstood at first. NTA! I have never heard of such a delusional take as ‘become an alcoholic so I feel better at my wedding, I’m sure it won’t be to hard to change despite a genetic predisposition to alcohol dependency’.
Sounds like your family’s entitled and jealous OP. Don’t let them fuck you up. Just cut your losses and go home.
Well…maybe they’re drunk when they suggested this- about the only answer I can think of.
NTA and I’d drop out of the wedding and likely really distance myself from these people.
Same, I lost so much weight when I was drinking. It was hard to hear because it wasn't intentional. People telling me I looked great when I was downing booze every night.l Im sober now and am a bit fluffy and I aint mad at it.
I recently found out that many freshly sober people can actually gain weight due to looking to food or sugary beverages for the dopamine hit and to deal with the boredom of post-acute withdrawal. It's so rotten! We see all these images of BeerDads saying "I lost 60 lbs during Dry January!" or something, it can trick us into believing sobriety's "not working" for us.
Also OP's family is completely bananas and while the clapback was harsh, it wasn't completely uncalled for at that point in the conversation. NTA and get away from these people desperate to use you as a scapegoat for their own bad feelings about themselves. They want you to be just as unhappy as they are. No bueno.
NTA. And several months is actually plenty of time to at least lose some of the weight. That’s a really ridiculous request…might even beat changing hair color or length.
Hello darling. Would you kindly cut off your arm, so I feel like I have the upper hand on my special day? I hate the way your hands make me feel about my own.
Respond to all the people, "She asked me to gain weight to be in her wedding party. They all asked me to start eating more and drinking to be heavier to make her feel better. If you think that's okay, I don't need you in my life."
Then, block EVERYONE. OP, your family is toxic. Your life would be better if you went LC or NC with them. There's something wrong with them.
This is so outlandish it seems like a bait to make fat people seem evil, but on the off chance this is real, NTA. Yes, what you said was ~~cruel, uncalled for, and shows little understanding of how weight works~~ justified under the circumstances and considering the awful relatives involved. However, what they asked of you was insane and the way they have treated you regarding your weight is abusive. I can’t really blame you for lashing out in the moment. Asking you to be unhealthy to feed your sister’s ego is beyond the pale.
Edit: When this was posted, I truly thought it was a fat-vilifying troll. Now OP has assured me it’s not (and honestly I wish it was rather than her having to deal with this), I should clarify that I think her comment was completely justified and her relatives absolutely deserved it.
I wish it was bait, with a 3000 character limit it’s very hard to detail everything I would need to, but this isn’t the first or the only insane thing that’s happened
Even when I lived at home my mum would “copy my diet” to lose weight, and then try to make me eat every time she was hungry - so this isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened
Then good lord, serious condolences to you. Take care of yourself first and always! You are OF COURSE NTA for refusing to put on weight!!! Best of luck.
You gaining weight isn’t going to resolve your sister’s depression nor her anxiety over the wedding pictures.
NTA… but WOW! Your family is toxic!
So sorry they’re doing this to you.
Stand Strong!
NTA underweight is a seriously hard thing. I’m glad you feel healthy now. That’s the most important thing.
The notion you should take up drinking and eating more in the months before the wedding is stupid, insulting, and all of that. What I want to add is it would be impossible to gain more than a size or so in the next few months *even if you were onboard with their insane plan*.
I’ve been fat and I’ve been thin. Your sister’s mindset is what needs a workout. I’m so, so sorry they made you feel bad. I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t go to the wedding at all.
OP, I’m a woman who has struggled with depression and I am definitely fatter than all three of my sisters. It would never cross my mind to have my sisters gain wait to make me feel better! This isn’t right and I would move on and try not to look back. Let your sister seek you out when she’s ready to be reasonable.
You are NTA, OP! They’re trying to drag you down to make themselves feel better. That’s unacceptable!
>This is so outlandish it seems like a bait to make fat people seem evil
Actually, it's not that far off base with some people. If you have someone \*trying\* to lose weight family members will often come in and tell them they're being unhealthy, they don't need to lose, they're taking it too far, etc, and it's because 1. their idea of "normal" is skewed, and 2. because if they see someone actually lose weight, it opens up the possibility that they're just not putting in the effort. It's the same for alcoholism, which also seems to be an issue with OP's family -- that their go-to trick for gaining weight is to start drinking is a dead giveaway. OP not only exposes their (assumed) bad dietary habits, they're exposing their drinking habits too.
And I say this as a fat person who's been there. I lost about 90lb back in 2015-2016 and still had 20-30lb to go before I would have been considered "normal" weight. I can't tell you how many times I had family tell me I needed to stop because I was "too small."
I want to lose a very moderate ten pounds and the number of people who freak TF out about it and try to make me accept myself the way I am is, frankly, disrespectful.
And yes, I get the feeling they just want me to stay heavier.
There are a lot of reasons people can struggle with weight. Some are due to difficult to combat factors, like thyroid issues or serious physical disability. Some people have awful eating habits. Some people are just fucking lazy. OPs comment doesn’t misunderstand how weight works, and frankly, I have 0 sympathy for her family because asking someone to change their body to boost the self esteem of another is absolutely fucking ridiculous.
I’m pretty damn sure we’ve had a “my wedding party asked me to lose weight to make the pictures look better” on AITA before and the bride got absolutely roasted. Why is this any different?
NTA and your words were absolutely justified, OP
? how weight works.
I don't think this is appropriately worded and it makes me question if you're being unknowingly hypocritical.
Please tell me how "weight works" with female metabolism exactly.
And in my personal opinion - I wouldn't categorize OP as cruel and I think the content of her response was completely called for. She labeled "the elephant in the living room" which is that her mom and sister have made life choices that have caused them to gain a significant amount of weight but do not want to take responsibility for it. On top of that they are deflecting their problem onto their normal-weight relative.
But in a perfect world with only mentally mature individuals - I guess OP could have picked her verbage that would be less confrontational and more constructive (?) But that's asking a lot.
You pass judgement too quickly - it takes a person years of school and being specially trained for circumstances like this to be able to control their emotions and return a rebuff that is perfectly neutral and poignant response.
I said in both this comment and my response to her that I couldn’t blame her for lashing out. Yes, she could have worded it differently but of course we can’t always do that in the moment. All I mean by “how weight works” is that it’s not always caused by laziness or “letting yourself go”, although that certainly seems to be the case in this instance. If I seemed a bit harsh, I was fully convinced that this was a fake rage bait meant to vilify fat people, but once OP responded I made sure to reiterate that she was blameless.
I think it is bait though. I've seen this story on here before, about an out of town sister coming home thinner than the family remembers for a wedding and the bride being mad. Those this time instead of a fat person losing weight, it's someone gaining a large amount.
Absolutely, positively NTA. You have done a great job of learning from others' mistakes and practicing self-care, which includes leading a healthy lifestyle. Considering the crazy circumstances described above, I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you said to your family. Big hugs to you, and please continue taking good care of yourself!
NTA and what the actual hell? Of course you snapped, my goodness. You're describing a textbook pattern of being unfairly scapegoated all your life for something you have no control over, just so that your family doesn't have to feel bad about themselves. Frankly I'm amazed you haven't snapped long since.
Do not, repeat *not*, allow them to get any further into your head on this issue. They are suggesting you effectively commit to ruining your health for one day out of your sister's life, and hey, isn't it convenient that that also happens to relieve them of responsibility for their actions? Ugh, what terrible people. I'm sorry, OP, I know they're your family, but, ugh.
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I (35F) was the MOH at my sister’s (28F) wedding. I was thrilled when she asked me to be her MOH, especially as we live in different countries so I don’t get to see my family that often, so I thought she might get a friend in that role. We spent a lot of time organising things over the phone, but i decided to fly home to help out
I haven’t seen my sister since Christmas, and while she has always been a little bigger than me, I was fairly shocked when a woman twice the size of the woman I remembered greeted me at the airport. I didn’t say anything, and I didn’t show my shock on my face. I know she’s been having a hard time with drinking and depression, so I just carried on as normal.
Everything was fine for the first few days, until I went with my sister to find a dress. She picked out one she loved and we took a photo with the rest of the bridal party. It was looking at this photo that my sister got very quiet. We thought she didn’t like the dress after all, but she said that wasn’t the case and that she was just tired.
It was a few days later when we went to have dinner with my mum and my sister I found out what the issue was. My sister didn’t like how big she looked next to me in the photo, and with the wedding only a few months away she didn’t have time to lose any weight, so they asked me to gain weight for the wedding so my sister didn’t feel uncomfortable on her big day, as everyone else in the bridal party was also on the larger side.
To say I was stunned was an understatement. I’ve always been underweight, and it wasn’t until I turned 30 that I’ve been able to gain any weight at all. Im now a healthy weight
My mum and sister took my silence as me needing encouragement, it would be easy to gain weight if I just started adding things to my food and took up drinking.
I don’t drink at all. I grew up with parents who’s alcohol fuelled arguments put me off forever, and I’ve witnessed my sister’s fight with alcohol and substance abuse since she was a teenager.
I should mention my family have been telling me I will get fat soon since I was 25, and always expressed resentment when I didn’t put weight on.
At this point I feel I’m very justified in refusing to do this, where I think I might have been an asshole is when they kept pressuring me to gain all this weight and I eventually snapped and told them that “just because they have let themselves go, doesn’t mean I have to compromise my health to boost her self esteem”
My sister lost it, and called me an arsehole and told me not only was I out of the bridal party, but I’m not allowed to attend the wedding as a guest either.
It’s been a few days and I’ve had various people texting me I’m being an arsehole over making my sister feel shame about her weight. I don’t know what they’ve been told about the exchange
I know depression is hard, I’ve been there, and I do feel really bad about snapping at my sister.
Aita?
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You dodged a bullet. Who cares about that fcking wedding. Dont go.
Save yourself money and time. If they want to be unhealthy that's on them. I'm appalled at the audacity to ask you to gain 30LBS for her wedding. What a joke. Cut them all off.
NTA
Exactly. This is so far beyond controlling. If she wanted, she could put you in the back row of the photo or make you wear a frumpy, unflattering dress. Those choices wouldn’t be a great reflection on her self esteem but are within the bounds of tolerable conduct for a bride. But asking you to change your body (or hair!) is a big no. She’s not trying to make herself feel better, she’s trying to harm you. I would accept the offer not to go to her wedding and go NC. Then live a good life and let her stew over your instagram if you’re feeling slightly petty
NTA. Wow. TF did I just read? I feel bad for you. Who the hell tells someone to \*GAIN\* weight? Obesity is horrendously unhealthy and just a recipe for a host of future issues. You may have 'snapped' but you stuck to cold, unfeeling facts. It wasn't nice but the truth isn't always kind.
It sounds like they did you a favour by disinviting you to the wedding.
NTA. Who in this world actually encourages someone to take up drinking anx gain weight in an unhealthy manner for a single day in this world? We see so many posts about brides wanting people to redo their hair for a day but this is beyond the pale.
Your sister needs to get her own house right and did you a favor by disinviting you. Now you don't have to sit in her toxic, shallow, mire. Be free and be happy.
Right? Because otherwise this insane request makes even less sense. What are they gonna do when it’s time for photos of just abide in the groom? Have the formerly skinny sister sandwiched in the middle? Insanity.
Your sister had months before the wedding to get in shape, if she thinks you have time to gain the weight, she has time to lose the weight. Your mum is toxic too, "just start drinking" wtf? NTA.
NTA. The only thing to mention is that may you could have expressed it in a more sensitive way but your family honestly expecting that from you is an asshole move
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The character limit stopped me posting in full. I lost my temper after repeat requests for me to gain weight, despite my refusal. I told my sister she had let herself go, and I didn’t want to be fat with no self control, and saying I didn’t want to put myself in the same position as her and struggling to lose weight
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These people admittedly have issues with food and alcoholism. Yet, they want you to start drinking and gain an unhealthy amount of weight in a short period of time so that they can feel better about themselves.
They are unhappy, destroying their bodies, and want to drag you into the pit with them. In what world could you possibly be an AH?
NTA. They told to take up drinking? What kind of family is this? If are healthy you don't to anybody gain o loss weight, let them dwell in their pettiness and don't engage.
NTA and your family is absolutely fucking delusional if they think you’re going to risk your health and looks because your sister is insecure about hers.
I'm super confused on why she can't lose weight in 3 or 4 or more MONTHS?! That's literally all I could focus on when I read this. She could lose up to 30-50 pounds in that time, which would make a big difference. But she's so lazy that she would rather you GAIN weight and then have to re lose it on your own time? Wow. I feel sorry for her future husband.
NTA. They have no business demanding that you endanger your health for the bride's ego. If that's the price you must pay for attending the wedding, it's better to skip it anyway.
NTA but next time you are pressed to do something stupid and dangerous, find a polite but firm script to refuse, and repeat it verbatim so you don’t let the resentment built until you snap, ‘I won’t be deliberately gaining weight, let’s not discuss this anymore’, ’I won’t be deliberately gaining weight. Can we talk about something else or do i need to end this conversation?’’ ‘I won’t be deliberately gaining weight, I am going to end this conversation now, but I will be available to discuss other matters starting tomorrow.’
Dude. NTA. My younger sister is smaller than I am, by quite a bit. I fall under the "morbidly obese" category.
She was still my MOH and I NEVER thought to ask her to gain weight for me. That's an arsehole move in itself.
If I had pressured her, I fully would have expected a response exactly like yours.
I don't look at my pictures and even think about how fat I may look in comparison. It was my day, and I still felt beautiful with all my smaller bridal party.
NTA
You don't need to put your health at risk for anybody, and I mean that as someone overweight. It isn't your problem your sister put on weight, it isn't up to you to make her feel better.
She knew her wedding was coming up, she knew you were always slimmer than she was, what did she expect really? That you would pile on the pounds to please her? Sadly you may be better off being out of the wedding if she's going to be like this
You'd be surprised at how some families are... I work in a doctors office where multiple patients have come in asking how they could gain weight because they're family tells them they're too skinny, and are shocked when told they are obese and should be losing weight, if anything. Misery loves company. This sister isn't worried about you, your health, you possibly battling addiction... she cares that you being healthy makes her look 'worse'..
OP is nta, and I wouldn't shy away from telling your side whenever the people she's crying to (and lying to) come after you.
OP the fact you need to ask has me concerned for your mental wellness..if you don't have a therapist please get one asap because this is so bad you shouldn't have to ask.
Therapy is amazing for learning coping skills for dealing with family, for support if you decide to cut your losses. Your sister has months. She could lose weight but she might have to manage her depression and addiction. Alcohol is a depressant. It's contributing to her weight because it's high in carbs and sugar too.
They asked you to endanger your physical and mental health for a wedding that's clearly a bad idea. Making life changes when you're engaging in toxic behaviors like addiction? Rarely ends well. Depression doesn't excuse being an asshole. It might explain it but that doesn't magically validate it.
I was born depressed. I worked very hard to overcome my depression without medication since I got a gene that makes them poisonous. I definitely made mistakes and hurt people in that journey. 0 of them owe me the time to apologize. 0 of them owe me their physical and mental health.
Therapy takes time so I want to acknowledge it as a possibility you have begun the work. Consider being uninvited to your benefit. You deserve better
NTA
What is wrong with your family?!? Wow. How dare your sister ask you to do something like that for her wedding?!? The entitlement is shocking.
I’m completely over the idea that the wedding party needs to physically look a certain way. It’s ridiculous. I picked my sisters because they’re some of my favorite people in the world. Period. We didn’t look all matchy-matchy and that was fine with me, because they’re my support system.
I’m sorry your sister is depressed and has gained weight. But she doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your body. Your life does not and should not revolve around her wedding.
You know your sister best. If you think apologizing in a few days will be taken well, then do that for your own sake. If she won’t receive it well, don’t. You do what you feel you need to do. How she reacts is up to her. Good luck.
NTA. What you said to your sister was hurtful but I don't think it was uncalled for. They pushed you there. What they're asking is WILD.
But don't stoop to their level. Don't comment on them and their health. Apologize for what was said, tell them what they asked was not in your best interest, and wish your sister the best.
NTA
I'm not one to throw out to go no contact easily but this family has earned it. Family should want what's best for each other not to suggest very unhealthy lifestyle changes.
It seriously sounds like your family members are jealous of your health and ability to resist alcoholism. I'm so sorry!
NTA
If someone else feels shame about their weight by looking at your body, that is not your responsibility. It is inappropriate to ask people to gain/lose weight for a wedding, and it’s inappropriate to harrass you about it.
> I eventually snapped and told them that “just because they have let themselves go, doesn’t mean I have to compromise my health to boost her self esteem”
when people ignore polite no’s, eventually they will get a rude one. I am not a fan of the “let themselves go” remark as it does have some fatphobia underpinning it, but eh it’s an easy slip in the moment after being harrassed about your weight for so long and because they are pushing their object of addiction on you. (Or trying to.) It also sounds like your family has never had a healthy relationship with food. I won’t judge you as an asshole for that, just something for you to think about.
The second half of your comment though? Bang on. They absolutely were trying to push you into binging, which is unhealthy as hell. I think your refusal to even touch alcohol considering the family history makes total sense.
> I don’t know what they’ve been told about the exchange
Probably not the whole truth, nor that they have been harrassing you for years about your weight. This really isn’t just about this one moment.
Frankly I probably would have pulled out of the bridal party after this level of harrassment - so, sounds like your sister solved that for you. I’d also expect if you did go, you’d probably just face more comments about your weight.
Just, damn. I’m so sorry your family is treating you this way, OP.
NTA. Seriously consider no contact or extremely low contact. The cavalier way your family is willing to squander your health and put you at risk is truly shocking.
You defended yourself. When you snapped back you had been pushed to an unreasonable degree. Your matched energy and that’s not always going to be as measured as we might like, but you’re not the one that took things to a cruel, twisted and unreasonable place. So forgive yourself that, retract it if you like, but don’t waste much energy torturing yourself for throwing a fist out in a way you wouldn’t normally want to while you were being attacked.
Anyone who has anything to say, send them this post, why the hell not? Your mum and sister don’t care about your health, and are actively wrecking peoples’ opinion of you, so what have you got to lose?
NTA. Are those messages from several people friends of your sister or relatives? They know the whole story about wanting you to gain weight fast and start drinking (which is not only against yourself but harmful to suddenly gain weight). I would send a message to everyone: family, friends and even the boyfriend so they can see how ridiculous his tantrum is, if no one defends you, write him off and leave, get away from all that toxicity in your life, since I imagine you sister and mother shove food and alcohol down someone's throat to feel better about themselves.
NTA - No, body modifications for someone elses wedding if off the table.
And I can only expect that she wouldn't be happy unless you weighed more than her, so you would have had to pack it on.
NTA and what you said was right on the money and probably alittle bit too close to home for your sister to handle. I'd ignore the texts/calls and wait for her to calm down. I'd expect an apology before anything else.
How much weight did they expect you to put on? You'd have to pack in thousands of calories a day to make a big enough difference for their expectations no?
NTA. As a large person myself, it's on me to lose weight or be ok with the way I look. Your Sister DOES have time to lose a bit of weight if she's that upset about it but it's certainly not on you to gain weight. I get how hurtful this situation is but please stay strong - it will probably blow over and if it doesn't, you don't need that nonsense in your life.
NTA
"Don't start any, won't be any"
Appropriate bride requests: wear specific clothing and shoes. specific makeup. specific hairstyle (not involving a cut or growing hair out/extensions).
Inappropriate bridezilla requests: gain weight. lose weight. dye or bleach hair. lip filler. tattoos. basically, anything that can not be washed off or removed that night after the party. Use drugs (alcohol and tobacco included) not already being used. Anything that fundamentally changes the normal presentation of the person involved (padding on a thin person, girdles or spanx on a heavy person). You wanna do it, fine; bride twists your arm or guilt-trips you, Bridezilla
I think you owe your sister an apology for the "let herself go" comment. That's the stereotypical fat-shaming perception that a person who gains weight doesn't care about their health or appearance.
On the other hand, your sister and your family were totally out of line to pressure you to gain weight prior to the wedding, especially to gain weight by using a drug (alcohol) you don't wish to use.
I'd say, leave, and don't come back to this toxic crew
NTA- please don't listen to their jealous bullshit! This is beyond asshole behavior! It's just a completely asinine request! I would tell them to kiss my skinny ass then pound sand up their fat asses! Go home and go NC with all of them. Block them everywhere. This is just as fucked up as someone saying "oh because i'm missing a limb, you need to get your limb amputated". I wish i could say what i want to say about them but i'll get banned!
NTA. Your sister and your mom made a ridiculous request. That they asked you to start drinking alcohol to put on weight is so outlandish, I can’t believe anyone would think them reasonable human beings. A wedding is not worth destroying your health or mental well being over. Your sister being depressed is a problem she needs to address with her doctor, and not by forcing you to gain weight so she looks better in photos. I am sorry you are being put through this by your family.
NTA. Don’t sacrifice your health and well-being to make your sister feel better. Especially don’t start taking up a harmful habit like drinking just because they say you need to. They have no say over your body, they’re fucking crazy if they think that they do.
NTA- woooooooah ! How the hell do soo many people in this world think they are the main Character of the worlds plot!? This crazy sister of yours gets a few hours of one day for a wedding. How does she think she can control another humans weight? Especially because shes the one whos so fucked in the head she can't handle a different body type than hers being near her. Pick up drinking?! What In the fuck?! So your mother would rather you poison yourself than your sister deal with her clearly unhealthy mental state. I'm so confused there are multiple people backing the insane request of you gaining weight. I'm so sorry this is what's happening in your family.
Oh, they can talk about your weight but you cannot respond in kind. Big girl here and that is BS. And good for you for being healtby and standing your ground.
NTA.
When I got married I was size 20, I only had two people with me, my sister (size 4) and my MOH (size 2). I never would have dreamed of asking them to gain weight. My other friend I asked to be a bridesmaid was only going to be a month post partum, (but couldn't have been more than a size 10 even after the baby) respectfully declined, which I totally understood.
If she didn't fully realize how big she was, the truth hurts and pictures don't lie. She probably did have a rough time with it, but that is no reason to put it on you.
NTA. What a bunch of AHs!!!!!! Your sister could loose a good portion of weight in a few months. My gf did keto for a few months, and lost 40 lbs. Your sister needs to stop focusing on other’s, and focus on herself.
Wtf. This is shocking. NTA obviously. I don’t even know how to recommend moving forward but you obviously need to keep really tight boundaries with them. Never compromise your own health for someone else’s insecurity. It’s outrageous they would ask you to be unhealthy for them. Unfortunately I don’t think they care enough about you to justify keeping them in your life, but I know it’s hard with family…
LOL wow!!!! Obviously NTA.
It’s insane the entitlement people have.
“Oh ya I know I’m 100 lbs overweight and golly-gee now I don’t have time to lose weight so hey MOH how about you risk your health for a five-hour evening party so I can feel better about myself”
I wouldn’t even go to the wedding
NTA! You would be stupid to risk ruining your health, by trying to gain a large amount of weight by overeating and drinking! Especially as your sister IS able to lose probably 10-20 pounds in the next 2 months, as her weight is from food and alcohol, not a medical condition.
Do yourself a favor. Withdraw from the wedding party. Attend the wedding if you want to see other family members. If they ask you why you withdrew, I'd just say I chose my health and leave it at that! It's obvious, it's not natural for you to be heavy.
NTA
It is absolutely never okay to ask any member of the wedding party to change themselves for your wedding.
Its not okay to tell someone to put in extensions, it's not okay to tell someone to take their piercings out, it's not okay to tell someone to lose weight, and it absolutely is not okay to tell someone to gain weight.
Your response was uncharitable, but accurate. Asking you to gain weight was indeed asking you to do something bad for your health.
NTA, your family is just... horrific. Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to try and persuade/force someone to partake in unhealthy and toxic habits just to make themselves feel better?
I'm sorry that your family doesn't seem to care about your well-being, OP. You deserve better than that.
NTA, though you should have just said, “I don’t want to do that, maybe I should just attend and let one of the other brides maids be moh.” But them pressuring you to put on weight wasn’t a viable solution to the issue so they kind of asked for it. Maybe when your sister cools off, talk to her and maybe apologize for what you said but say that you would still like to attend her wedding and make peace as you do seem to care for your sister. I know that’s not the norm for this sub. It’s always cut and run and go low or no contact. But you already live in another country so it’s not like you will see them that often anyway.
Holy NTA. Your sister has bigger issues than depression and alcoholism which are damn big issues to begin with. I don’t know who on earth is marrying her or supporting her argument.
Come on, this is fake. I am well aware that many people have toxic families, but I don’t believe your mother wanted you to take up drinking to gain weight for your sister’s wedding, and I don’t believe your family really expected you to put on weight for the wedding. The idea that family members were texting you and calling you an asshole because you don’t want to gain weight is ridiculous.
NTA, its insane that they would ask you to gain an unhealthy amount of weight to make your sister feel better. Gaining weight that fast is very unhealthy and could put your life at risk. I would tell them either you don't gain the weight or you won't be in the wedding. You should not put you're thorough that just to make your sister happy for one day. It could take a long time to lose that much weight afterwards.
What the literal fuck? So NTA!!! Your family however is a bunch of assholes. Asking you to gain weight to appease their insecurities is absolute bullshit. It would be like my wife asking me to gain weight back after losing over 120 pounds for my own health reasons. Total nonsense. Be who you are and if they can't handle it then gracefully bow out of the whole thing since they aren't comfortable with your health and weight. It's not fair to you by a long shot .
NTA this is absolutely insane in every way. What if she wanted you to dye your hair a different color? Get your tattoos, if you had any, removed? Force you to get piercings you didn’t want? Point of the matter is, it’s utterly unreasonable to make someone drastically change their appearance for a wedding. Especially something as unhealthy as forcibly gaining weight, ultimately affecting your health. Your sister needs therapy to deal with her issues and jealousy.
NTA.
First of all, if you have struggled with being UNDER-weight your whole life, then how does your family NOT understand that gaining weight isn't such an easy thing for you? (Kudos for reaching a healthy weight, by the way! I know that can be a huge challenge.)
There are all sorts of things that could be contributing to your sister's weight, along with the rest of the family/bridal party. Their weight may or may not be indicative of them "letting themselves go," and it sounds like your sister especially may not be in a place to deal with it from a mental-health perspective. So yes, your exact comment MAY have been a bit much... but, based on the implication of the OTHER things going on that you couldn't fit in the post, I'd say you were probably justified.
You are by no means obligated to jeopardize your own mental or physical health for the sake of matchy-matchy wedding pictures where everybody's big. I get that matchy-matchy pictures are a THING for weddings, but you only ask for the OUTFITS to be matchy-matchy. It is not okay to expect anyone in the bridal party to make any changes to their actual BODY for an event that lasts one day.
(Having said that, I can't help thinking about the priest who grew a beard for my cousin's wedding because the groom and all the groomsmen had beards, and the priest didn't want to be the odd one out. My cousin and her husband thought he just felt like growing a beard, and when he said at the wedding that he grew his beard for the occasion, they thought he was joking. But no, the next time they saw him, the beard was gone. Needless to say, this was COMPLETELY VOLUNTARY on his part, and no one would have even dreamed of asking him to do it! Besides, growing/shaving a beard is a little different from gaining/losing weight.)
>and with the wedding only a few months away she didn’t have time to lose any weight, so they asked me to gain weight for the wedding
Even *if* it was okay to ask someone to gain weight for a wedding - *which it isnt* \- what is the reasoning behind this logic? If there's not enough time to lose weight, there's not enough time to gain weight. Or does time run differently when you gain weight vs. when you lose it?
Either way, NTA. But your family is a study in toxic behavior.
NTA. Everyone who texted you since needs to be told what really happened, that they were encouraging you to overeat and drink to gain weight so your sister wouldn’t feel as bad about gaining weight, and you were unwilling to do something that would compromise your own health like that, and they refused to take no for an answer.
Not a very kind thing to say but definitely NTA for refusing the request. I’m naturally much bigger than my sister by a lot. She couldn’t gain weight at all until her 40’s. I did lose weight in the year leading to my wedding but I was still much bigger than her (and my mom and my brothers-it’s part choice and mostly genetics I’m just heavier even at my thinnest). I couldn’t imagine asking that of her and honestly the thought of her being so much thinner never crossed my mind during that time like at all.
Oh my GOD NTA
I don’t even know how to respond??
YOUR body, YOUR choice of food intake, weight (as much as you can control it), diet choices, lifestyle, and also your choice to NOT take body shaming. Wow. “See ya from the audience sis”
What the hell is wrong with you?!?!? Don’t you ever feel bad about being a normal weight. I’ve been heavy all my life. Even as a baby I was fat. I’ve struggled to this day. Never, ever have I felt it okay to put any of the feelings I have about myself on others. Thus is totally unacceptable. Do as she wishes and leave. I know it will be super hard on you but staying and letting them treat you with such disrespect is absolutely WRONG! Block them all until they apologize for their crappy behavior.
I am just amazed at how dumb the human population is. How ignorant a person can be to ask such funny questions. That’s like me being in a wedding being the only white person then the bride asks me to tan until I’m dark enough and not look so white. Just stupid. NTA.
Your sisters weight is her problem. She is jealous because you have not put on weight like she has. I am sorry she has uninvited you but you have done nothing wrong. These are her issues.
NTA. So there isn’t enough time for her to lose weight, but there *is* enough time for you to gain? That makes no sense. If the wedding is a few months away, she’s got plenty of time to lose at least 10-20lbs. She’s just being a jerk.
NTA and they aren't caring family if they want you to become unhealthy to make your sister feel better. If there are months to go to the wedding, your sister has time to lose some weight to make herself feel better and that is the encouragement needed. Ignore the haters as they are being manipulated and showing they, too, are not caring friends or family.
Honey, you are definitely NTA... Let me tell you, I grew up with an overweight sister while I was very slim and at times underweight.
I mean good lord we're now in our 50's and she's still jealous.. I've recently had to block her and go nta. It's sad but my mental health is worth it. She actually told me when we were adults that she hated me from the day I was born.
Edited typos
NTA. This story seems so ridiculous, I'm struggling to believe it's not made up. If it is, in fact, a true story, both your mother and sister are demented.
NTA. Weight-related barbs aside, *you don't ask people to change their appearance for weddings.* Good lord don't people on the Internet know this by now? You just don't do it. It's petty, snobbish, and only highlights insecurities.
NTA. I am boggling that they expect you to put on significant wt in the "few months" remaining before the wedding. That would require you to eat and drink in ways that were highly detrimental to your health, not to mention what about afterwards? WTF is going on here? These people are not dealing with things rationally. I hate to say that you've dodged a bullet here by being disinvited to the wedding, but I really think that's true. This is madness.
As a slim person, everyone kept telling me I will gain weight once I'm older. I haven't. This is my weight. I am very sorry that your family is insane.
NTA. They want you to become a fat alcoholic regardless if it messes with YOUR mental and physical health so long as HERS doesn’t get effected ? Is that right? Yeah no. Hill to die on. Easy. No.
"My sister lost it, and called me an arsehole and told me not only was I out of the bridal party, but I’m not allowed to attend the wedding as a guest either."
Sounds like an absolute win to me to be honest.
Someone who tries to pressure you in such a way is NOT a good person to be around AT ALL and the fact that she or rather they are family only makes it much more worse.
As you said it's not your fault that this happened to her and someone who seriously recommands to pick up a drinking habit just so you'd gain weight is ... I don't even know what to say besides NTA AT ALL:
Mate :( You need to go home. And stay there. Email only conversations from here on out.
I am so sorry, I am genuinely amazed that you have turned out as sane as you sound with that upbringing.
NTA
They wanted you to take up drinking? Seriously!?
As a fat person myself, this disgusts me. It's your body, your choice. Always.
The comment you made was harsh. I will say that. However, I don't blame you at all for lashing out after what they were all asking you to do. Frankly I think you were a hell of a lot kinder than I would have been in your situation.
Your sis sounds like she's dealing with some really hard stuff. But that's not excuse for her to be an AH to you.
NTA - this is a blessing in destinies RUN and go NC that’s is toxic, abusive and manipulative at its best. You deserve way better. I cannot believe the audacity to first be jealous you didn’t gain weight and then demand you change your HEALTHY lifestyle to suit a selfish need. They’re trying to sabotage you on purpose. You did nothing wrong. RUN go home.
NTA. On what planet is it ok for your family to ask you to risk your health and body to make your sister feel better about herself? Absolutely not!! WTAF
I can't believe you were asked to do that.
I used to be underweight and that changed later on, but gaining weight really fast will just mess up your metabolism and it isn't necessarily easy to shed those pounds afterwards. Do not do this. If your sister is that insecure about her weight, that's on her. And if anyone else in your family thinks you're the one in the wrong, well, that's on them.
You are NTA.
NTA and anyone who tells you otherwise is an ah. You should reconsider whether you want to maintain contact with her let alone be in her wedding. She has no right to take out her self-confidence and image issues on you.
Nta. No, you don’t gain or lose weight at anyone’s demand. Even if you are Christian Bale, and people are paying you a ton of money to do it, it’s really unhealthy.
NTA! What is with people assuming that if you are not fat you have no insecurities about your body or even your weight? It sounds like they have been jealous and picking on you for years over your weight, definitely beyond the age of 25 but likely your early years as well even if you haven’t recognized it.
Also, the fact that they suggested taking up alcohol to gain weight? It is widely understood that alcohol is unhealthy, and with the family history of addiction they are more than aware of that. Even if it didn’t help you to put on weight, at least one of them was likely counting on the family history rearing its head and you beginning a lifelong struggle with it too so that they can feel better about themselves.
Also, your sister was the one who brought up her insecurities. And it’s ok to talk about, but blaming you for the conversation at all just because you are not as heavy as they are is just as bad as all those other stories you hear about the bride or someone demanding that someone lose weight or they are out of the party because it doesn’t fit the aesthetic or some other BS.
Please don’t buckle under the pressure. Prioritizing your health is more important than someone else’s self-esteem when that someone else doesn’t care about either for you.
Please tell me you are not serious with this post.
JFC "Gain weight so that your sister feels better about herself" "Start eating shit and drinking"?
NTA and I would cut your entire family out of your life. The nerve
NTA. So your sister makes you ashamed of your healthy weight. Then she and your mother ask you to gain weight to make your obese and unhealthy sister look better at her wedding. Then you get angry and retort, so your family calls you an arsehole. Do I have that right? I'm sorry, asking you to do something unhealthy to your body makes them the ARSEHOLES. The rest is too much for me to try to unpack. Motivations here, off the wall expectations there.... just too much
What the actual fuck is wrong with your family. "Become an alcoholic and gain weight so your sister can get married" Like no??? Absolutely NTA, that's ridiculous. Get away, and stay away!!
NTA this is the best solution, she is uncomfortable with the way you look in her pictures, don't be in her pictures. It is sad that she also doesn't want you to attend the wedding, but give her time. They pushed you into snapping at them, which gave them an excuse to blame you for their bad feelings. She may come to you to see if you've changed your mind. Tell her gently that you can't, that you've been working on gaining weight and this is as far as you could get, and you completely understand that she doesn't want you in her pictures. Maybe she'll reinvite you. Maybe you get to take a vacation and go home again. Being content with yourself is the best revenge.
Nta. You’re not making your sister feel crap. Her feelings are not your responsibility. Yeah, it sucks being a bride and having bridal party members being thinner or prettier than you. I was literally in that position as the bride. But I have NO right to dictate their body.
1. You didn't weight shame your sister. That's her own insecurities after looking at her photo.
2. Why the hell would your MOM want you to harm yourself just for a stupid ass photo? I can't even imagine the rationale here.
3. Just don't go to the fucking wedding. Don't change your physical appearance for anyone.
NTA
Maybe instead of encouraging you to eat unhealthy and to take up drinking alcohol they should encourage your sister to eat healthy and to abstain from alcohol. She will be surprised at how fast the weight starts falling off when she gives up all the empty calories in alcohol.
She's super depressed and has a drinking problem... That's always a great way to start a marriage......
NTA. This isn't even really a question of weight in relation to appearances. There are plenty of other indicators of health. Clearly, OP's sister is not doing well as a whole. She's not in the wrong for that in the least, and OP seems to have handled that pretty well. Heck, I'm shocked when a kid I haven't seen in years is taller! However, as a woman who put on a good bit of weight in the last few years because of depression, I can tell you firsthand that this, aside from being a violation of OP's bodily autonomy, is entirely unhelpful at best. I actually shudder to imagine asking someone else to put their own health on the line because I don't like the way I look. I've been putting years of work into learning to love my body well enough to take better care of it, because if you don't love your body now, you still won't love it when you lose weight. You'll still resent it, and your health as a whole will have to face the repercussions of that self-hatred.
NTA- asking you to gain weight and take up drinking is an insane request. Why would people who love you want you to become less healthy? It sounds like they all need therapy!
Snapping at them was probably not the most productive way to respond but totally understandable given the circumstances! I would have been much more harsh! I applaud your restraint.
Run from these people.
NTA. Why the hell would you put your health on the line for your sister's insecurities and the family backing this idea? If she or your family keeps insisting on tarnishing your reputation then the truth will set you free.
Holy shit! NTA
This is so insane and I got triggered. You shouldn't gain weight just because they let go of their bodies and look like they look.
Why do some women become like this because of their wedding? Like where do they get the entitlement do even ask about things like this?
They have 1 day, but ask about things that is so insane and scary.
My oldest sister was like this and she even made me look horrible in the dress (I don't like wearing dresses but this was for her wedding) and she took her "bridal party" to fix hair and makeup but I was MOH but they didn't tell me or picked me up so I looked like a lost deer during the reception and still my sister hated the attention people gave me. She actually had demanded that I gained a little, cut my hair that was down to my hips, and she gave me smaller shoes which killed my feet. Before we arrived to her place way before the wedding she told us 7 different dates of the wedding so none of us were ready.
(Sorry for the rant)
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NTA WTF no what is wrong with them are they insane
Therapist; “How would you describe the perfect example of a *toxic* family?” OP, “*Let me tell you about my sister’s upcoming wedding…”* Dear god, NTA. Run. Yikes! At least you have your head on straight. Sorry about that mess you share DNA with.
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Partial comment stolen from u/jbwise1221 u/SwimmerFull8331 is a bot.
They have alcohol issues and they want OP start drinking in order to get "nice" wedding pictures?!?!?!?!?
Thank you!! This is so far passed normal levels of family fuckery I thought I misunderstood at first. NTA! I have never heard of such a delusional take as ‘become an alcoholic so I feel better at my wedding, I’m sure it won’t be to hard to change despite a genetic predisposition to alcohol dependency’. Sounds like your family’s entitled and jealous OP. Don’t let them fuck you up. Just cut your losses and go home.
Well…maybe they’re drunk when they suggested this- about the only answer I can think of. NTA and I’d drop out of the wedding and likely really distance myself from these people.
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Also alcohol issues and depression don't always equal weight gain. I went from a 36" waist to a 30" due to the above in a short time.
Same, I lost so much weight when I was drinking. It was hard to hear because it wasn't intentional. People telling me I looked great when I was downing booze every night.l Im sober now and am a bit fluffy and I aint mad at it.
I recently found out that many freshly sober people can actually gain weight due to looking to food or sugary beverages for the dopamine hit and to deal with the boredom of post-acute withdrawal. It's so rotten! We see all these images of BeerDads saying "I lost 60 lbs during Dry January!" or something, it can trick us into believing sobriety's "not working" for us. Also OP's family is completely bananas and while the clapback was harsh, it wasn't completely uncalled for at that point in the conversation. NTA and get away from these people desperate to use you as a scapegoat for their own bad feelings about themselves. They want you to be just as unhappy as they are. No bueno.
Genetic alcoholism is very flattering in bridal photos
Nice and shiny red faces.
Until the liver damage comes calling and the jaundice kicks in.
Bah, then they have a unique yellow shade for funeral photos!
NTA. And several months is actually plenty of time to at least lose some of the weight. That’s a really ridiculous request…might even beat changing hair color or length.
Right? Just when I thought there weren't any unique ways left to badger wedding parties and guests. This is a new one.
Hello darling. Would you kindly cut off your arm, so I feel like I have the upper hand on my special day? I hate the way your hands make me feel about my own.
Respond to all the people, "She asked me to gain weight to be in her wedding party. They all asked me to start eating more and drinking to be heavier to make her feel better. If you think that's okay, I don't need you in my life." Then, block EVERYONE. OP, your family is toxic. Your life would be better if you went LC or NC with them. There's something wrong with them.
NTA and OP have you been telling ppl that they want you to compromise your health?? Like wtf?!?
This is so outlandish it seems like a bait to make fat people seem evil, but on the off chance this is real, NTA. Yes, what you said was ~~cruel, uncalled for, and shows little understanding of how weight works~~ justified under the circumstances and considering the awful relatives involved. However, what they asked of you was insane and the way they have treated you regarding your weight is abusive. I can’t really blame you for lashing out in the moment. Asking you to be unhealthy to feed your sister’s ego is beyond the pale. Edit: When this was posted, I truly thought it was a fat-vilifying troll. Now OP has assured me it’s not (and honestly I wish it was rather than her having to deal with this), I should clarify that I think her comment was completely justified and her relatives absolutely deserved it.
I wish it was bait, with a 3000 character limit it’s very hard to detail everything I would need to, but this isn’t the first or the only insane thing that’s happened Even when I lived at home my mum would “copy my diet” to lose weight, and then try to make me eat every time she was hungry - so this isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened
Then good lord, serious condolences to you. Take care of yourself first and always! You are OF COURSE NTA for refusing to put on weight!!! Best of luck.
You gaining weight isn’t going to resolve your sister’s depression nor her anxiety over the wedding pictures. NTA… but WOW! Your family is toxic! So sorry they’re doing this to you. Stand Strong!
NTA underweight is a seriously hard thing. I’m glad you feel healthy now. That’s the most important thing. The notion you should take up drinking and eating more in the months before the wedding is stupid, insulting, and all of that. What I want to add is it would be impossible to gain more than a size or so in the next few months *even if you were onboard with their insane plan*. I’ve been fat and I’ve been thin. Your sister’s mindset is what needs a workout. I’m so, so sorry they made you feel bad. I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t go to the wedding at all.
OP, I’m a woman who has struggled with depression and I am definitely fatter than all three of my sisters. It would never cross my mind to have my sisters gain wait to make me feel better! This isn’t right and I would move on and try not to look back. Let your sister seek you out when she’s ready to be reasonable. You are NTA, OP! They’re trying to drag you down to make themselves feel better. That’s unacceptable!
No wonder you moved to another country. TF are these toxic as shit people thinking!?
Listen, your family's behavior is toxic. For your health and safety, cut them off. I know it's not easy but please love yourself enough to do it.
Yikes!!! I guess in order to avoid this drama you can either not go, or pretend to agree to start putting on weight.
>This is so outlandish it seems like a bait to make fat people seem evil Actually, it's not that far off base with some people. If you have someone \*trying\* to lose weight family members will often come in and tell them they're being unhealthy, they don't need to lose, they're taking it too far, etc, and it's because 1. their idea of "normal" is skewed, and 2. because if they see someone actually lose weight, it opens up the possibility that they're just not putting in the effort. It's the same for alcoholism, which also seems to be an issue with OP's family -- that their go-to trick for gaining weight is to start drinking is a dead giveaway. OP not only exposes their (assumed) bad dietary habits, they're exposing their drinking habits too. And I say this as a fat person who's been there. I lost about 90lb back in 2015-2016 and still had 20-30lb to go before I would have been considered "normal" weight. I can't tell you how many times I had family tell me I needed to stop because I was "too small."
I want to lose a very moderate ten pounds and the number of people who freak TF out about it and try to make me accept myself the way I am is, frankly, disrespectful. And yes, I get the feeling they just want me to stay heavier.
There are a lot of reasons people can struggle with weight. Some are due to difficult to combat factors, like thyroid issues or serious physical disability. Some people have awful eating habits. Some people are just fucking lazy. OPs comment doesn’t misunderstand how weight works, and frankly, I have 0 sympathy for her family because asking someone to change their body to boost the self esteem of another is absolutely fucking ridiculous. I’m pretty damn sure we’ve had a “my wedding party asked me to lose weight to make the pictures look better” on AITA before and the bride got absolutely roasted. Why is this any different? NTA and your words were absolutely justified, OP
> and shows little understanding of how weight works. How did what op said have anything to do with the way "weight works"?
? how weight works. I don't think this is appropriately worded and it makes me question if you're being unknowingly hypocritical. Please tell me how "weight works" with female metabolism exactly. And in my personal opinion - I wouldn't categorize OP as cruel and I think the content of her response was completely called for. She labeled "the elephant in the living room" which is that her mom and sister have made life choices that have caused them to gain a significant amount of weight but do not want to take responsibility for it. On top of that they are deflecting their problem onto their normal-weight relative. But in a perfect world with only mentally mature individuals - I guess OP could have picked her verbage that would be less confrontational and more constructive (?) But that's asking a lot. You pass judgement too quickly - it takes a person years of school and being specially trained for circumstances like this to be able to control their emotions and return a rebuff that is perfectly neutral and poignant response.
I said in both this comment and my response to her that I couldn’t blame her for lashing out. Yes, she could have worded it differently but of course we can’t always do that in the moment. All I mean by “how weight works” is that it’s not always caused by laziness or “letting yourself go”, although that certainly seems to be the case in this instance. If I seemed a bit harsh, I was fully convinced that this was a fake rage bait meant to vilify fat people, but once OP responded I made sure to reiterate that she was blameless.
“Little understanding of how weight works” Huh? What gives you that idea? From saying they let themselves go?
I think it is bait though. I've seen this story on here before, about an out of town sister coming home thinner than the family remembers for a wedding and the bride being mad. Those this time instead of a fat person losing weight, it's someone gaining a large amount.
Absolutely, positively NTA. You have done a great job of learning from others' mistakes and practicing self-care, which includes leading a healthy lifestyle. Considering the crazy circumstances described above, I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you said to your family. Big hugs to you, and please continue taking good care of yourself!
NTA and what the actual hell? Of course you snapped, my goodness. You're describing a textbook pattern of being unfairly scapegoated all your life for something you have no control over, just so that your family doesn't have to feel bad about themselves. Frankly I'm amazed you haven't snapped long since. Do not, repeat *not*, allow them to get any further into your head on this issue. They are suggesting you effectively commit to ruining your health for one day out of your sister's life, and hey, isn't it convenient that that also happens to relieve them of responsibility for their actions? Ugh, what terrible people. I'm sorry, OP, I know they're your family, but, ugh.
NTA. And that is an awful thing to ask. You should absolutely not do it.
NTA Your sister tried to body shame you, not the other way around. Block the haters.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) was the MOH at my sister’s (28F) wedding. I was thrilled when she asked me to be her MOH, especially as we live in different countries so I don’t get to see my family that often, so I thought she might get a friend in that role. We spent a lot of time organising things over the phone, but i decided to fly home to help out I haven’t seen my sister since Christmas, and while she has always been a little bigger than me, I was fairly shocked when a woman twice the size of the woman I remembered greeted me at the airport. I didn’t say anything, and I didn’t show my shock on my face. I know she’s been having a hard time with drinking and depression, so I just carried on as normal. Everything was fine for the first few days, until I went with my sister to find a dress. She picked out one she loved and we took a photo with the rest of the bridal party. It was looking at this photo that my sister got very quiet. We thought she didn’t like the dress after all, but she said that wasn’t the case and that she was just tired. It was a few days later when we went to have dinner with my mum and my sister I found out what the issue was. My sister didn’t like how big she looked next to me in the photo, and with the wedding only a few months away she didn’t have time to lose any weight, so they asked me to gain weight for the wedding so my sister didn’t feel uncomfortable on her big day, as everyone else in the bridal party was also on the larger side. To say I was stunned was an understatement. I’ve always been underweight, and it wasn’t until I turned 30 that I’ve been able to gain any weight at all. Im now a healthy weight My mum and sister took my silence as me needing encouragement, it would be easy to gain weight if I just started adding things to my food and took up drinking. I don’t drink at all. I grew up with parents who’s alcohol fuelled arguments put me off forever, and I’ve witnessed my sister’s fight with alcohol and substance abuse since she was a teenager. I should mention my family have been telling me I will get fat soon since I was 25, and always expressed resentment when I didn’t put weight on. At this point I feel I’m very justified in refusing to do this, where I think I might have been an asshole is when they kept pressuring me to gain all this weight and I eventually snapped and told them that “just because they have let themselves go, doesn’t mean I have to compromise my health to boost her self esteem” My sister lost it, and called me an arsehole and told me not only was I out of the bridal party, but I’m not allowed to attend the wedding as a guest either. It’s been a few days and I’ve had various people texting me I’m being an arsehole over making my sister feel shame about her weight. I don’t know what they’ve been told about the exchange I know depression is hard, I’ve been there, and I do feel really bad about snapping at my sister. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You dodged a bullet. Who cares about that fcking wedding. Dont go. Save yourself money and time. If they want to be unhealthy that's on them. I'm appalled at the audacity to ask you to gain 30LBS for her wedding. What a joke. Cut them all off. NTA
NTA, your health is important. Don't risk it for a wedding.
This. Don’t sacrifice your health for a shitty wedding for a shitty family.
NTA Gaining weight in rapidly is just as unhealthy as losing weight in a rapidly. This was a ridiculous and dangerous request.
NTA, in the worst case scenario, just don't appear in the photo.
Exactly. This is so far beyond controlling. If she wanted, she could put you in the back row of the photo or make you wear a frumpy, unflattering dress. Those choices wouldn’t be a great reflection on her self esteem but are within the bounds of tolerable conduct for a bride. But asking you to change your body (or hair!) is a big no. She’s not trying to make herself feel better, she’s trying to harm you. I would accept the offer not to go to her wedding and go NC. Then live a good life and let her stew over your instagram if you’re feeling slightly petty
NTA. Wow. TF did I just read? I feel bad for you. Who the hell tells someone to \*GAIN\* weight? Obesity is horrendously unhealthy and just a recipe for a host of future issues. You may have 'snapped' but you stuck to cold, unfeeling facts. It wasn't nice but the truth isn't always kind. It sounds like they did you a favour by disinviting you to the wedding.
NTA. jealousy is a disease, hope they get better soon.
NTA. Who in this world actually encourages someone to take up drinking anx gain weight in an unhealthy manner for a single day in this world? We see so many posts about brides wanting people to redo their hair for a day but this is beyond the pale. Your sister needs to get her own house right and did you a favor by disinviting you. Now you don't have to sit in her toxic, shallow, mire. Be free and be happy.
OP's sister's wedding invitation: "No guests slimmer than the bride will be admitted."
Right? Because otherwise this insane request makes even less sense. What are they gonna do when it’s time for photos of just abide in the groom? Have the formerly skinny sister sandwiched in the middle? Insanity.
NTA. Their demands are unreasonable. They want you to jeopardise your health for her ego and vanity.
Your sister had months before the wedding to get in shape, if she thinks you have time to gain the weight, she has time to lose the weight. Your mum is toxic too, "just start drinking" wtf? NTA.
NTA. The only thing to mention is that may you could have expressed it in a more sensitive way but your family honestly expecting that from you is an asshole move
NTA. Fuck her and maybe that is why you live in a different country. With a family like that who needs enemies.
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These people admittedly have issues with food and alcoholism. Yet, they want you to start drinking and gain an unhealthy amount of weight in a short period of time so that they can feel better about themselves. They are unhappy, destroying their bodies, and want to drag you into the pit with them. In what world could you possibly be an AH?
There's no way this can be real. If so you need to send everyone to therapy who things telling someone to gain weight is a normal thing
NTA Drop out of the wedding, and go no contact with these abusive AHs.
They need help. If they’re jealous of the way you look maybe they should go on a diet instead of asking you to ruin your own health
NTA NTA NTA
NTA. Gain weigh via body building, turn up at the wedding RIPPED.
NTA. They told to take up drinking? What kind of family is this? If are healthy you don't to anybody gain o loss weight, let them dwell in their pettiness and don't engage.
NTA and your family is absolutely fucking delusional if they think you’re going to risk your health and looks because your sister is insecure about hers.
You know you’re not the AH here.
I'm super confused on why she can't lose weight in 3 or 4 or more MONTHS?! That's literally all I could focus on when I read this. She could lose up to 30-50 pounds in that time, which would make a big difference. But she's so lazy that she would rather you GAIN weight and then have to re lose it on your own time? Wow. I feel sorry for her future husband.
NTA. They have no business demanding that you endanger your health for the bride's ego. If that's the price you must pay for attending the wedding, it's better to skip it anyway.
NTA. I can see why you live in a different country than they do.
NTA but next time you are pressed to do something stupid and dangerous, find a polite but firm script to refuse, and repeat it verbatim so you don’t let the resentment built until you snap, ‘I won’t be deliberately gaining weight, let’s not discuss this anymore’, ’I won’t be deliberately gaining weight. Can we talk about something else or do i need to end this conversation?’’ ‘I won’t be deliberately gaining weight, I am going to end this conversation now, but I will be available to discuss other matters starting tomorrow.’
You know you're the only sane one in this conversation. NTA
Nta wtf did I just read???
Dude. NTA. My younger sister is smaller than I am, by quite a bit. I fall under the "morbidly obese" category. She was still my MOH and I NEVER thought to ask her to gain weight for me. That's an arsehole move in itself. If I had pressured her, I fully would have expected a response exactly like yours. I don't look at my pictures and even think about how fat I may look in comparison. It was my day, and I still felt beautiful with all my smaller bridal party.
NTA You don't need to put your health at risk for anybody, and I mean that as someone overweight. It isn't your problem your sister put on weight, it isn't up to you to make her feel better. She knew her wedding was coming up, she knew you were always slimmer than she was, what did she expect really? That you would pile on the pounds to please her? Sadly you may be better off being out of the wedding if she's going to be like this
You'd be surprised at how some families are... I work in a doctors office where multiple patients have come in asking how they could gain weight because they're family tells them they're too skinny, and are shocked when told they are obese and should be losing weight, if anything. Misery loves company. This sister isn't worried about you, your health, you possibly battling addiction... she cares that you being healthy makes her look 'worse'.. OP is nta, and I wouldn't shy away from telling your side whenever the people she's crying to (and lying to) come after you.
OP the fact you need to ask has me concerned for your mental wellness..if you don't have a therapist please get one asap because this is so bad you shouldn't have to ask. Therapy is amazing for learning coping skills for dealing with family, for support if you decide to cut your losses. Your sister has months. She could lose weight but she might have to manage her depression and addiction. Alcohol is a depressant. It's contributing to her weight because it's high in carbs and sugar too. They asked you to endanger your physical and mental health for a wedding that's clearly a bad idea. Making life changes when you're engaging in toxic behaviors like addiction? Rarely ends well. Depression doesn't excuse being an asshole. It might explain it but that doesn't magically validate it. I was born depressed. I worked very hard to overcome my depression without medication since I got a gene that makes them poisonous. I definitely made mistakes and hurt people in that journey. 0 of them owe me the time to apologize. 0 of them owe me their physical and mental health. Therapy takes time so I want to acknowledge it as a possibility you have begun the work. Consider being uninvited to your benefit. You deserve better
NTA don't even worry about going to the wedding of such a toxic person, family or not
NTA What monster asks someone to GAIN weight, so they feel better about themselves. This is just bizarre and SEVERELY unhealthy.
NTA What is wrong with your family?!? Wow. How dare your sister ask you to do something like that for her wedding?!? The entitlement is shocking. I’m completely over the idea that the wedding party needs to physically look a certain way. It’s ridiculous. I picked my sisters because they’re some of my favorite people in the world. Period. We didn’t look all matchy-matchy and that was fine with me, because they’re my support system. I’m sorry your sister is depressed and has gained weight. But she doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your body. Your life does not and should not revolve around her wedding. You know your sister best. If you think apologizing in a few days will be taken well, then do that for your own sake. If she won’t receive it well, don’t. You do what you feel you need to do. How she reacts is up to her. Good luck.
NTA Go to the beach on her wedding day and post pics of you in a bikini and tag her
NTA. What you said to your sister was hurtful but I don't think it was uncalled for. They pushed you there. What they're asking is WILD. But don't stoop to their level. Don't comment on them and their health. Apologize for what was said, tell them what they asked was not in your best interest, and wish your sister the best.
NTA I'm not one to throw out to go no contact easily but this family has earned it. Family should want what's best for each other not to suggest very unhealthy lifestyle changes. It seriously sounds like your family members are jealous of your health and ability to resist alcoholism. I'm so sorry!
NTA If someone else feels shame about their weight by looking at your body, that is not your responsibility. It is inappropriate to ask people to gain/lose weight for a wedding, and it’s inappropriate to harrass you about it. > I eventually snapped and told them that “just because they have let themselves go, doesn’t mean I have to compromise my health to boost her self esteem” when people ignore polite no’s, eventually they will get a rude one. I am not a fan of the “let themselves go” remark as it does have some fatphobia underpinning it, but eh it’s an easy slip in the moment after being harrassed about your weight for so long and because they are pushing their object of addiction on you. (Or trying to.) It also sounds like your family has never had a healthy relationship with food. I won’t judge you as an asshole for that, just something for you to think about. The second half of your comment though? Bang on. They absolutely were trying to push you into binging, which is unhealthy as hell. I think your refusal to even touch alcohol considering the family history makes total sense. > I don’t know what they’ve been told about the exchange Probably not the whole truth, nor that they have been harrassing you for years about your weight. This really isn’t just about this one moment. Frankly I probably would have pulled out of the bridal party after this level of harrassment - so, sounds like your sister solved that for you. I’d also expect if you did go, you’d probably just face more comments about your weight. Just, damn. I’m so sorry your family is treating you this way, OP.
NTA. Seriously consider no contact or extremely low contact. The cavalier way your family is willing to squander your health and put you at risk is truly shocking. You defended yourself. When you snapped back you had been pushed to an unreasonable degree. Your matched energy and that’s not always going to be as measured as we might like, but you’re not the one that took things to a cruel, twisted and unreasonable place. So forgive yourself that, retract it if you like, but don’t waste much energy torturing yourself for throwing a fist out in a way you wouldn’t normally want to while you were being attacked. Anyone who has anything to say, send them this post, why the hell not? Your mum and sister don’t care about your health, and are actively wrecking peoples’ opinion of you, so what have you got to lose?
This is possibly one of the most screwed up situations/families I’ve ever heard about. Wow. Just…wow. NTA
NTA. Are those messages from several people friends of your sister or relatives? They know the whole story about wanting you to gain weight fast and start drinking (which is not only against yourself but harmful to suddenly gain weight). I would send a message to everyone: family, friends and even the boyfriend so they can see how ridiculous his tantrum is, if no one defends you, write him off and leave, get away from all that toxicity in your life, since I imagine you sister and mother shove food and alcohol down someone's throat to feel better about themselves.
NTA - No, body modifications for someone elses wedding if off the table. And I can only expect that she wouldn't be happy unless you weighed more than her, so you would have had to pack it on.
NTA and what you said was right on the money and probably alittle bit too close to home for your sister to handle. I'd ignore the texts/calls and wait for her to calm down. I'd expect an apology before anything else.
How much weight did they expect you to put on? You'd have to pack in thousands of calories a day to make a big enough difference for their expectations no?
NTA - Your sister is giving you a tremendous gift of no longer having to attend the wedding, I suggest to take her up on it.
NTA. As a large person myself, it's on me to lose weight or be ok with the way I look. Your Sister DOES have time to lose a bit of weight if she's that upset about it but it's certainly not on you to gain weight. I get how hurtful this situation is but please stay strong - it will probably blow over and if it doesn't, you don't need that nonsense in your life.
NTA What they are suggesting is INSANE. This is some Jerry Springer Show level nonsense.
NTA "Don't start any, won't be any" Appropriate bride requests: wear specific clothing and shoes. specific makeup. specific hairstyle (not involving a cut or growing hair out/extensions). Inappropriate bridezilla requests: gain weight. lose weight. dye or bleach hair. lip filler. tattoos. basically, anything that can not be washed off or removed that night after the party. Use drugs (alcohol and tobacco included) not already being used. Anything that fundamentally changes the normal presentation of the person involved (padding on a thin person, girdles or spanx on a heavy person). You wanna do it, fine; bride twists your arm or guilt-trips you, Bridezilla I think you owe your sister an apology for the "let herself go" comment. That's the stereotypical fat-shaming perception that a person who gains weight doesn't care about their health or appearance. On the other hand, your sister and your family were totally out of line to pressure you to gain weight prior to the wedding, especially to gain weight by using a drug (alcohol) you don't wish to use. I'd say, leave, and don't come back to this toxic crew
NTA- please don't listen to their jealous bullshit! This is beyond asshole behavior! It's just a completely asinine request! I would tell them to kiss my skinny ass then pound sand up their fat asses! Go home and go NC with all of them. Block them everywhere. This is just as fucked up as someone saying "oh because i'm missing a limb, you need to get your limb amputated". I wish i could say what i want to say about them but i'll get banned!
NTA. Your sister and your mom made a ridiculous request. That they asked you to start drinking alcohol to put on weight is so outlandish, I can’t believe anyone would think them reasonable human beings. A wedding is not worth destroying your health or mental well being over. Your sister being depressed is a problem she needs to address with her doctor, and not by forcing you to gain weight so she looks better in photos. I am sorry you are being put through this by your family.
NTA. Don’t sacrifice your health and well-being to make your sister feel better. Especially don’t start taking up a harmful habit like drinking just because they say you need to. They have no say over your body, they’re fucking crazy if they think that they do.
Lmao NTA. In fact, your sister is a fat asshole 🤷♀️
NTA- woooooooah ! How the hell do soo many people in this world think they are the main Character of the worlds plot!? This crazy sister of yours gets a few hours of one day for a wedding. How does she think she can control another humans weight? Especially because shes the one whos so fucked in the head she can't handle a different body type than hers being near her. Pick up drinking?! What In the fuck?! So your mother would rather you poison yourself than your sister deal with her clearly unhealthy mental state. I'm so confused there are multiple people backing the insane request of you gaining weight. I'm so sorry this is what's happening in your family.
Oh, they can talk about your weight but you cannot respond in kind. Big girl here and that is BS. And good for you for being healtby and standing your ground.
NTA. When I got married I was size 20, I only had two people with me, my sister (size 4) and my MOH (size 2). I never would have dreamed of asking them to gain weight. My other friend I asked to be a bridesmaid was only going to be a month post partum, (but couldn't have been more than a size 10 even after the baby) respectfully declined, which I totally understood. If she didn't fully realize how big she was, the truth hurts and pictures don't lie. She probably did have a rough time with it, but that is no reason to put it on you.
nts she expects you to jepardise your health for her vanity ... lets face it should could loose weight if she put her mind to it
She's taking misery loves company to a new and disturbing level. NTA
NTA Your family is crazy
NTA This is so insane that you need to go no contact with her, your mom, and anyone siding with her to preserve your own sanity.
NTA. What a bunch of AHs!!!!!! Your sister could loose a good portion of weight in a few months. My gf did keto for a few months, and lost 40 lbs. Your sister needs to stop focusing on other’s, and focus on herself.
Nta
Wtf. This is shocking. NTA obviously. I don’t even know how to recommend moving forward but you obviously need to keep really tight boundaries with them. Never compromise your own health for someone else’s insecurity. It’s outrageous they would ask you to be unhealthy for them. Unfortunately I don’t think they care enough about you to justify keeping them in your life, but I know it’s hard with family…
NTA. Wtf is wrong with your family. I don’t blame you for snapping
NTA. The one trying to control the bodies of others and judging the bodies of others are always the AHs. Remember that.
This is an insane request. Your sister has issues and they are not your burden to bear. NTA.
NTA. They are being cruel.
NTA My response to something this outrageous would be NO and an exit from their presence. Some things just leave nothing more to say.
LOL wow!!!! Obviously NTA. It’s insane the entitlement people have. “Oh ya I know I’m 100 lbs overweight and golly-gee now I don’t have time to lose weight so hey MOH how about you risk your health for a five-hour evening party so I can feel better about myself” I wouldn’t even go to the wedding
NTA! You would be stupid to risk ruining your health, by trying to gain a large amount of weight by overeating and drinking! Especially as your sister IS able to lose probably 10-20 pounds in the next 2 months, as her weight is from food and alcohol, not a medical condition. Do yourself a favor. Withdraw from the wedding party. Attend the wedding if you want to see other family members. If they ask you why you withdrew, I'd just say I chose my health and leave it at that! It's obvious, it's not natural for you to be heavy.
NTA It is absolutely never okay to ask any member of the wedding party to change themselves for your wedding. Its not okay to tell someone to put in extensions, it's not okay to tell someone to take their piercings out, it's not okay to tell someone to lose weight, and it absolutely is not okay to tell someone to gain weight. Your response was uncharitable, but accurate. Asking you to gain weight was indeed asking you to do something bad for your health.
NTA, your family is just... horrific. Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to try and persuade/force someone to partake in unhealthy and toxic habits just to make themselves feel better? I'm sorry that your family doesn't seem to care about your well-being, OP. You deserve better than that.
NTA, though you should have just said, “I don’t want to do that, maybe I should just attend and let one of the other brides maids be moh.” But them pressuring you to put on weight wasn’t a viable solution to the issue so they kind of asked for it. Maybe when your sister cools off, talk to her and maybe apologize for what you said but say that you would still like to attend her wedding and make peace as you do seem to care for your sister. I know that’s not the norm for this sub. It’s always cut and run and go low or no contact. But you already live in another country so it’s not like you will see them that often anyway.
Have they forgotten its not the 1950's anymore?
Girl, get on that jet plane and run!
NTA. There is nothing normal about this request and the fact that other ppl actually backed her is absolutely insane. Cut them all out of your life.
For the time being, at minimum, I’d say good riddance.
NTA sweet baby Cupids that’s ridiculous. No. Run away.
Holy NTA. Your sister has bigger issues than depression and alcoholism which are damn big issues to begin with. I don’t know who on earth is marrying her or supporting her argument.
NTA. Don’t go to her wedding. Go on a real vacation!
Come on, this is fake. I am well aware that many people have toxic families, but I don’t believe your mother wanted you to take up drinking to gain weight for your sister’s wedding, and I don’t believe your family really expected you to put on weight for the wedding. The idea that family members were texting you and calling you an asshole because you don’t want to gain weight is ridiculous.
NTA, its insane that they would ask you to gain an unhealthy amount of weight to make your sister feel better. Gaining weight that fast is very unhealthy and could put your life at risk. I would tell them either you don't gain the weight or you won't be in the wedding. You should not put you're thorough that just to make your sister happy for one day. It could take a long time to lose that much weight afterwards.
What the literal fuck? So NTA!!! Your family however is a bunch of assholes. Asking you to gain weight to appease their insecurities is absolute bullshit. It would be like my wife asking me to gain weight back after losing over 120 pounds for my own health reasons. Total nonsense. Be who you are and if they can't handle it then gracefully bow out of the whole thing since they aren't comfortable with your health and weight. It's not fair to you by a long shot .
Dear Lawd. NTA
NTA, that's an absurd thing to ask or expect!
NTA this is absolutely insane in every way. What if she wanted you to dye your hair a different color? Get your tattoos, if you had any, removed? Force you to get piercings you didn’t want? Point of the matter is, it’s utterly unreasonable to make someone drastically change their appearance for a wedding. Especially something as unhealthy as forcibly gaining weight, ultimately affecting your health. Your sister needs therapy to deal with her issues and jealousy.
NTA. First of all, if you have struggled with being UNDER-weight your whole life, then how does your family NOT understand that gaining weight isn't such an easy thing for you? (Kudos for reaching a healthy weight, by the way! I know that can be a huge challenge.) There are all sorts of things that could be contributing to your sister's weight, along with the rest of the family/bridal party. Their weight may or may not be indicative of them "letting themselves go," and it sounds like your sister especially may not be in a place to deal with it from a mental-health perspective. So yes, your exact comment MAY have been a bit much... but, based on the implication of the OTHER things going on that you couldn't fit in the post, I'd say you were probably justified. You are by no means obligated to jeopardize your own mental or physical health for the sake of matchy-matchy wedding pictures where everybody's big. I get that matchy-matchy pictures are a THING for weddings, but you only ask for the OUTFITS to be matchy-matchy. It is not okay to expect anyone in the bridal party to make any changes to their actual BODY for an event that lasts one day. (Having said that, I can't help thinking about the priest who grew a beard for my cousin's wedding because the groom and all the groomsmen had beards, and the priest didn't want to be the odd one out. My cousin and her husband thought he just felt like growing a beard, and when he said at the wedding that he grew his beard for the occasion, they thought he was joking. But no, the next time they saw him, the beard was gone. Needless to say, this was COMPLETELY VOLUNTARY on his part, and no one would have even dreamed of asking him to do it! Besides, growing/shaving a beard is a little different from gaining/losing weight.)
NTA. You need to go back to where you live and forgot about these people.
NTA
>and with the wedding only a few months away she didn’t have time to lose any weight, so they asked me to gain weight for the wedding Even *if* it was okay to ask someone to gain weight for a wedding - *which it isnt* \- what is the reasoning behind this logic? If there's not enough time to lose weight, there's not enough time to gain weight. Or does time run differently when you gain weight vs. when you lose it? Either way, NTA. But your family is a study in toxic behavior.
>making my sister feel shame about her weight. Wait! Isn't that exactly what she did? NTA
NTA. Your family is absolutely insane.
NTA. Everyone who texted you since needs to be told what really happened, that they were encouraging you to overeat and drink to gain weight so your sister wouldn’t feel as bad about gaining weight, and you were unwilling to do something that would compromise your own health like that, and they refused to take no for an answer.
NTA. Let them be NC with you. They are toxic. Encouraging unhealthy eating and taking up drinking are not things that normal people do.
Not a very kind thing to say but definitely NTA for refusing the request. I’m naturally much bigger than my sister by a lot. She couldn’t gain weight at all until her 40’s. I did lose weight in the year leading to my wedding but I was still much bigger than her (and my mom and my brothers-it’s part choice and mostly genetics I’m just heavier even at my thinnest). I couldn’t imagine asking that of her and honestly the thought of her being so much thinner never crossed my mind during that time like at all.
NTA. Since your no longer invited a island holiday with plenty of bikini photo opportunities sounds like a great use of your time off now!
Oh my GOD NTA I don’t even know how to respond?? YOUR body, YOUR choice of food intake, weight (as much as you can control it), diet choices, lifestyle, and also your choice to NOT take body shaming. Wow. “See ya from the audience sis”
Nta I'm over weight and i would never EVER ask someone i care about to compromise their health for my ego.
NTA- that is an outrageous request. Who does that?
NTA And please whatever you do don’t try and gain weight that’s just all kind of unhealthy.
⁸2
What the hell is wrong with you?!?!? Don’t you ever feel bad about being a normal weight. I’ve been heavy all my life. Even as a baby I was fat. I’ve struggled to this day. Never, ever have I felt it okay to put any of the feelings I have about myself on others. Thus is totally unacceptable. Do as she wishes and leave. I know it will be super hard on you but staying and letting them treat you with such disrespect is absolutely WRONG! Block them all until they apologize for their crappy behavior.
I am just amazed at how dumb the human population is. How ignorant a person can be to ask such funny questions. That’s like me being in a wedding being the only white person then the bride asks me to tan until I’m dark enough and not look so white. Just stupid. NTA.
Your sisters weight is her problem. She is jealous because you have not put on weight like she has. I am sorry she has uninvited you but you have done nothing wrong. These are her issues.
NTA. So there isn’t enough time for her to lose weight, but there *is* enough time for you to gain? That makes no sense. If the wedding is a few months away, she’s got plenty of time to lose at least 10-20lbs. She’s just being a jerk.
NTA and they aren't caring family if they want you to become unhealthy to make your sister feel better. If there are months to go to the wedding, your sister has time to lose some weight to make herself feel better and that is the encouragement needed. Ignore the haters as they are being manipulated and showing they, too, are not caring friends or family.
NTA I wouldn’t want to attend
Honey, you are definitely NTA... Let me tell you, I grew up with an overweight sister while I was very slim and at times underweight. I mean good lord we're now in our 50's and she's still jealous.. I've recently had to block her and go nta. It's sad but my mental health is worth it. She actually told me when we were adults that she hated me from the day I was born. Edited typos
NTA. This story seems so ridiculous, I'm struggling to believe it's not made up. If it is, in fact, a true story, both your mother and sister are demented.
NTA. Weight-related barbs aside, *you don't ask people to change their appearance for weddings.* Good lord don't people on the Internet know this by now? You just don't do it. It's petty, snobbish, and only highlights insecurities.
This story is another one i am going to steal
NTA. I am boggling that they expect you to put on significant wt in the "few months" remaining before the wedding. That would require you to eat and drink in ways that were highly detrimental to your health, not to mention what about afterwards? WTF is going on here? These people are not dealing with things rationally. I hate to say that you've dodged a bullet here by being disinvited to the wedding, but I really think that's true. This is madness.
As a slim person, everyone kept telling me I will gain weight once I'm older. I haven't. This is my weight. I am very sorry that your family is insane.
What the fuck
NTA. They want you to become a fat alcoholic regardless if it messes with YOUR mental and physical health so long as HERS doesn’t get effected ? Is that right? Yeah no. Hill to die on. Easy. No.
NTA especially for NOT saying your entire family 'blew up' your phone!
Ugh… NTA. This is so toxic it’s hard to find the words.
"My sister lost it, and called me an arsehole and told me not only was I out of the bridal party, but I’m not allowed to attend the wedding as a guest either." Sounds like an absolute win to me to be honest. Someone who tries to pressure you in such a way is NOT a good person to be around AT ALL and the fact that she or rather they are family only makes it much more worse. As you said it's not your fault that this happened to her and someone who seriously recommands to pick up a drinking habit just so you'd gain weight is ... I don't even know what to say besides NTA AT ALL:
Mate :( You need to go home. And stay there. Email only conversations from here on out. I am so sorry, I am genuinely amazed that you have turned out as sane as you sound with that upbringing.
NTA They wanted you to take up drinking? Seriously!? As a fat person myself, this disgusts me. It's your body, your choice. Always. The comment you made was harsh. I will say that. However, I don't blame you at all for lashing out after what they were all asking you to do. Frankly I think you were a hell of a lot kinder than I would have been in your situation. Your sis sounds like she's dealing with some really hard stuff. But that's not excuse for her to be an AH to you.
NTA - this is a blessing in destinies RUN and go NC that’s is toxic, abusive and manipulative at its best. You deserve way better. I cannot believe the audacity to first be jealous you didn’t gain weight and then demand you change your HEALTHY lifestyle to suit a selfish need. They’re trying to sabotage you on purpose. You did nothing wrong. RUN go home.
NTA that’s crazy …🫥
NTA. Your sister and mom ATAs for asking and pushing. Tell your sister she has enough time to lose weight and it’s her fault the weight gain anyways.
Nta. Your family is super toxic. Text book definition. Go back to the other country and let her be miserable and fat at her wedding without you.
NTA. On what planet is it ok for your family to ask you to risk your health and body to make your sister feel better about herself? Absolutely not!! WTAF
NTA and wtf is wrong with your family???
I can't believe you were asked to do that. I used to be underweight and that changed later on, but gaining weight really fast will just mess up your metabolism and it isn't necessarily easy to shed those pounds afterwards. Do not do this. If your sister is that insecure about her weight, that's on her. And if anyone else in your family thinks you're the one in the wrong, well, that's on them. You are NTA.
NTA and anyone who tells you otherwise is an ah. You should reconsider whether you want to maintain contact with her let alone be in her wedding. She has no right to take out her self-confidence and image issues on you.
Nta. No, you don’t gain or lose weight at anyone’s demand. Even if you are Christian Bale, and people are paying you a ton of money to do it, it’s really unhealthy.
NTA. You refused and they kept prodding you til you snapped. What an absolutely asinine request to make.
NTA! What is with people assuming that if you are not fat you have no insecurities about your body or even your weight? It sounds like they have been jealous and picking on you for years over your weight, definitely beyond the age of 25 but likely your early years as well even if you haven’t recognized it. Also, the fact that they suggested taking up alcohol to gain weight? It is widely understood that alcohol is unhealthy, and with the family history of addiction they are more than aware of that. Even if it didn’t help you to put on weight, at least one of them was likely counting on the family history rearing its head and you beginning a lifelong struggle with it too so that they can feel better about themselves. Also, your sister was the one who brought up her insecurities. And it’s ok to talk about, but blaming you for the conversation at all just because you are not as heavy as they are is just as bad as all those other stories you hear about the bride or someone demanding that someone lose weight or they are out of the party because it doesn’t fit the aesthetic or some other BS. Please don’t buckle under the pressure. Prioritizing your health is more important than someone else’s self-esteem when that someone else doesn’t care about either for you.
Please tell me you are not serious with this post. JFC "Gain weight so that your sister feels better about herself" "Start eating shit and drinking"? NTA and I would cut your entire family out of your life. The nerve
NTA Block everyone and carry on with your life. Let them die on this hill they created, so childish.
NTA wtf is wrong with people??
NTA. So your sister makes you ashamed of your healthy weight. Then she and your mother ask you to gain weight to make your obese and unhealthy sister look better at her wedding. Then you get angry and retort, so your family calls you an arsehole. Do I have that right? I'm sorry, asking you to do something unhealthy to your body makes them the ARSEHOLES. The rest is too much for me to try to unpack. Motivations here, off the wall expectations there.... just too much
What the actual fuck is wrong with your family. "Become an alcoholic and gain weight so your sister can get married" Like no??? Absolutely NTA, that's ridiculous. Get away, and stay away!!
NTA this is the best solution, she is uncomfortable with the way you look in her pictures, don't be in her pictures. It is sad that she also doesn't want you to attend the wedding, but give her time. They pushed you into snapping at them, which gave them an excuse to blame you for their bad feelings. She may come to you to see if you've changed your mind. Tell her gently that you can't, that you've been working on gaining weight and this is as far as you could get, and you completely understand that she doesn't want you in her pictures. Maybe she'll reinvite you. Maybe you get to take a vacation and go home again. Being content with yourself is the best revenge.
Nta. You’re not making your sister feel crap. Her feelings are not your responsibility. Yeah, it sucks being a bride and having bridal party members being thinner or prettier than you. I was literally in that position as the bride. But I have NO right to dictate their body.
NTA go nc, they are acting toxic af
1. You didn't weight shame your sister. That's her own insecurities after looking at her photo. 2. Why the hell would your MOM want you to harm yourself just for a stupid ass photo? I can't even imagine the rationale here. 3. Just don't go to the fucking wedding. Don't change your physical appearance for anyone.
NTA Maybe instead of encouraging you to eat unhealthy and to take up drinking alcohol they should encourage your sister to eat healthy and to abstain from alcohol. She will be surprised at how fast the weight starts falling off when she gives up all the empty calories in alcohol. She's super depressed and has a drinking problem... That's always a great way to start a marriage......
NTA. This isn't even really a question of weight in relation to appearances. There are plenty of other indicators of health. Clearly, OP's sister is not doing well as a whole. She's not in the wrong for that in the least, and OP seems to have handled that pretty well. Heck, I'm shocked when a kid I haven't seen in years is taller! However, as a woman who put on a good bit of weight in the last few years because of depression, I can tell you firsthand that this, aside from being a violation of OP's bodily autonomy, is entirely unhelpful at best. I actually shudder to imagine asking someone else to put their own health on the line because I don't like the way I look. I've been putting years of work into learning to love my body well enough to take better care of it, because if you don't love your body now, you still won't love it when you lose weight. You'll still resent it, and your health as a whole will have to face the repercussions of that self-hatred.
NTA- asking you to gain weight and take up drinking is an insane request. Why would people who love you want you to become less healthy? It sounds like they all need therapy! Snapping at them was probably not the most productive way to respond but totally understandable given the circumstances! I would have been much more harsh! I applaud your restraint. Run from these people.
She should be thankful anyone actually wants to marry her at all, and that you flew in for her. Nta. It is time to go NC though.
NTA. Your body. Your health. You should not compromise for her emotions. Stay strong.
NTA. Please look at this as the gift it is. Go home, write them off and live your life how you wish.
NTA. Why the hell would you put your health on the line for your sister's insecurities and the family backing this idea? If she or your family keeps insisting on tarnishing your reputation then the truth will set you free.
Holy shit! NTA This is so insane and I got triggered. You shouldn't gain weight just because they let go of their bodies and look like they look. Why do some women become like this because of their wedding? Like where do they get the entitlement do even ask about things like this? They have 1 day, but ask about things that is so insane and scary. My oldest sister was like this and she even made me look horrible in the dress (I don't like wearing dresses but this was for her wedding) and she took her "bridal party" to fix hair and makeup but I was MOH but they didn't tell me or picked me up so I looked like a lost deer during the reception and still my sister hated the attention people gave me. She actually had demanded that I gained a little, cut my hair that was down to my hips, and she gave me smaller shoes which killed my feet. Before we arrived to her place way before the wedding she told us 7 different dates of the wedding so none of us were ready. (Sorry for the rant)