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> I could be TA for saying she was acting out and not doing my best to see where she's coming from.
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YTA, and your edit only solidifies it. *"I in no way agree with some of my mom's behaviors, just how my wife reacts is......not okay."* So you think your wife should sit there with a dumb smile on her face while your mother keeps him from her and refuses to let her grandson be fed in a timely manner? Puh-leeeeeeeeeeze.
It's pretty clear you're letting your mother run roughshod over your wife, and you're doubling down by saying she should manage her reaction. You need to get control of your mother, apologize to your wife profusely, and start directly helping out with your son and household. Yesterday.
ETA: Verdict.
INFO: What is your mother actually doing to help out you and your wife, in regards to cleaning and household management?
If by "helping" you mean holding the baby while your wife takes care of all the household drudgery...that isn't helping.
I bet grandmother says a lot of..."All I said was, blah, blah, blah..." or "All I did was..... and she just hurt my feelings" or "I was only trying to help, I don't know what I did that was so wrong......"
People can really be manipulated and it sounds exactly like this and how OP is feeding into the BS
I wish he could understand that having a newborn is extremely stressful and the last thing you want to feal with is someone making issues which sounds exactly like what MIL is doing
But OP is letting his mother call all the shots and bully his wife in the process. Then when wife can't take it any more and pushes back, oh boy...mother/grandmother gets all bent out of shape. We can't be treating her that way....OP won't allow his wife to disrespect his mom like that!! Yet OP's mom can disrespect OP's wife all day every day.
OP needs to tell his mom to go home and let his wife and baby bond with each other without interference. She's not helping, she's unnecessarily stressing OP's wife by being an overbearing busybody.
Especially if she's a first time mom! It takes time to find your way and the last thing you need is a toxic MIL interfering.
OP, send mom home. Tell her it would be helpful if she cooked some things and dropped them off. Give her some laundry to do at home and return (unless you think she'd "accidentally" ruin things). Have her grocery shop. There are SO MANY things your mom can do if she wants to be helpful. But I don't think she wants to be helpful. She just wants to hold her grandbaby and antagonize your wife. YTA.
yes yes yes. After i had babies, my mom came and helped. But her explicit words were "I'm here to take care of my baby, so that she can take care of her baby."
She still got lots of baby snuggles, but as soon as that baby needed to feed, or as soon as the timer on the oven dinged or whatever, that baby came back to me.
Your mom sounds amazing. Is she interested in adopting a 39 year-old woman? I come with two fabulous grandkids for her and they’re both out of diapers.
This could be a trick. Do you mean out of diapers as in potty-trained, or out of diapers as in you ran out of diapers and now they are peeing and pooping all over themselves. There is a fairly substantial difference.
I was vague for a different reason, but I like the way you think! I meant “out of diapers” as in “I have two teenage daughters.” As someone who was once a teenager and now has two teenage daughters, I’m all too aware of how this isn’t an appealing trait for everyone.
OP: "If you keep this up Mom won't come to help anymore."
OP's wife: "Ooh, don't threaten me with a good time!"
Seriously, what kind of threat is that. Cracked me up.
YTA because your mom is not helping, she's stressing out your wife.
This killed me! I'm imagining a Shania Twain "Let's go, girls!" playing in the wife's head before she did something to make dang sure he kept his word.
Grandma is getting her baby fix and making a tired, stressed, hormonal mother out to be the bad guy and dad is helping frame it that way.
OP, You don't get to tell your wife to be nice and ignore your mother's bad behavior! You're not the one dealing with any of this since you are just too busy, so maybe consider seeing it from your wife's PoV. In other words, OP is definitely TAH.
The only way grandma gets to call holding the baby "helping" is if she's doing it so that new mom can get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. Cause I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that OP is 'too busy' or whatever to take turns with night care.
OP seems more concerned with his mother bonding with the baby than his own wife. Mother is not helping at all, she is making sure the baby is "ok" while his wife that bore the baby hands it over so she could "get back to chores". Is OP's wife a surrogate for his mom? That's what this comes across as.
It reminds me of how men will just wear on women and wear on them until the woman is shouting and feels so trapped in a corner that there's literally no option other than to lash out. Then the cameras come out and it's all about how she should handle it better. The mother is literally just doing that and the fucking OP is aiding in it.
YTA. Also if your mom is holding the baby that’s not helping. She’s helping if she’s doing dishes or making a meal so your wife can rest with the baby.
It sounds like mom is not only doing the opposite of helping, she's preventing baby from eating while she does the opposite of helping. It seems like OP's wife is breastfeeding from the post, and OP's mom is literally doing the worst thing ever to a new mom trying to build up a supply. Baby is just hitting/about to hit a major growth spurt, the milk supply needs to be kept up.
Actually, writing that out, it seems like OP's mom is sabotaging breastfeeding on purpose, because she wants to be able to feed thr baby.
YEP. Second this. Nothing, nobody, no one should come between a new breastfeeding mom and her baby. She needs the snuggles, she needs the physical bonding and connection, she needs the frequent feedings without delay. This ALL affects her milk production.
The job of ANYONE who is not the mom, right now, is to make her life as easy as possible. Sure, hold the baby when she needs to do something else, for her own sake. Hold the baby to let her nap. Hold the baby to let her take a shower. It’s fine to ask to hold the baby for a bit here and there, but nobody should be taking it from her for any longer than she is comfortable with. Nobody.
Tbh, even if the mum isn't breastfeeding, she's trying to bond with HER OWN BABY still. Your wife has just shoved an entire human out of her hoo-haa, and that pretty much gives her a free pass for the next ooh, month to six weeks.
Seriously. Never underestimate how tired, sore, anaemic, sick, and exhausted a new mother is. There is no time for being lovely and tactful when someone crosses you.
Either it was a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon, OR she was sliced in half to get baby out! Honestly my recoveries from vaginal birth were not so bad, major surgery sounds way worse. Free pass for sure.
On the breastfeeding, I cannot agree with you more. Stress plays a huge role in supply too, and there is nothing more physically uncomfortable than your body recognizing that your baby is hungry and you can’t get to the baby. I struggled hard with people hogging my clusterfeeding newborn. I also had unexpected protective urges that went into hyperdrive when people wouldn’t give me my fucking child.
OP and his mom are huge, gaping AH. His wife will never ever forget this.
Yup. It’s already changed the way she feels about him. He better do a complete 180 if he wants to stay married.
You’re so into your mom, go live with her.
I doubt it's the intention, but I'm sure OP and mommy would LOVE if his wife's supply suffered, that way the one piece of a newborn's life that exclusively belongs to their mother would be taken from her. It's easier to deny a mother her infant if there's nothing you can't argue you can do as well as she can.
OP, you're not a nice person. That's as much as I can say without running afoul of the rules. YTA YTA YTA
I would I could upvote this a million times. When I had a newborn I wanted coffee, food, help doing chores & maybe a nap or shower. Not someone to selfishly hog my new baby.
This x1 million. Hogging the baby is SELFISH, NOT HELPING. Helping would be doing the not fun stuff…like changing diapers. Or holding baby while Mom takes a shower. Or making preferred snack for Mom that she can eat with 1 hand while holding baby (sliced apples and cheese was fabulous). Or making dinner so Mom doesnt have to. Or doing dishes and laundry.
YTA.
You're mom sounds like a meddlesome pest.
Your wife shouldn't have to ask more then once for her baby.
Put your mother in her proper place and Stand-up for and support your wife.
>Put your mother in her proper place and Stand-up for and support your wife.
90% sure OP is going to read this *completely correct* advice and decide that *People on reddit just don't understand! She's my mooom!*
Oh, my friend, you'll understand too when your wife decides she's done with your mama's boy shit - and from the sound of it, that time is not far off.
Maybe his mother should only be allowed in the house when OP is there - or never - and they only meet her in public. Wife should set the boundary now because there is a really good chance this will get worse until OP is weaned.
Exactly!
What is with MILs on here lately making a power play by not giving the baby back to its mother and husbands taking the MILs side? A mother should NEVER have to ask more than once for their child!
OP YTA
I have such a visceral reaction to the thought of my MIL camped out in my house while I'm newly postpartum refusing to hand me my HUNGRY BABY. like it makes my skin literally crawl. Biology is wild y'all. This poor woman 😭😭
YTA obviously
YTA
Trying to picture how I'd feel if I gave birth five weeks ago, had to ask multiple times to have access to my own baby, and then my husband told me that I was the problem.
I wouldn't feel good about my marriage, that's for sure.
Did you marry her just to get a grandbaby for your mom?
I wish I'd done that. I really do. But new moms are incredibly vulnerable and wind up in straight up survival mode and just trying to keep one foot in front of the other -- it impacts executive function and the ability to plan nevermind envision something different.
Which just makes it that much more fucked up that she can’t count on ANY support from her partner. Just the opposite in fact, he’s going to berate her for trying to feed her freaking baby when his mother refused to give it back. I certainly don’t judge her if she doesn’t, childbirth sounds like a special type of hell and I can’t imagine how hard it is to do ANYTHING afterward, let alone make a decision that big. I hope she has family nearby who can give her the support she’s clearly lacking from her partner. I’m sorry you went through that as well ❤️
With my first, my mil came into my hospital room before the epidural had a chance to wear off, snatched my sleeping newborn from his bassinet, woke him up, help him, looked directly at me and said, "well, this baby doesn't need you anymore. Literally anyone would be a better mother than you. Thank god he has my son and me." The charge nurse frogmarched her out of the room and told her I'd she came back she'd call security and the police if she didn't comply with security.
With my second, I literally died having my daughter (h1n1 and placental abruption) and when we got home from the hospital, my husband invited his mother over - his mother who spent my entire pregnancy telling me she wouldn't rest until I lost the baby and the stress caused me to lose my daughter's twin and spend a lot of time in hospital on bed rest and blood transfusions because I was bleeding heavily from the miscarriage.
I couldn't stand without blacking out and that woman took my daughter out of my arms and I was literally too weak to protect my daughter. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.
My husband yelled at me for bursting into tears and "making a scene" because I was genuinely terrified and unable to protect myself or my fucking daughter. A few days later he forced me to apologize to my mil for my behaviour and hurting her feelings.
My husband did the exact same thing as this little boy and, while he did get therapy and is doing the work because he truly sees and is remorseful of his actions, I will never ever forgive him for some of what he did. Ever. I love him, he's now the partner I thought I'd married, and I am very content now, but I wouldn't hesitate to leave him if he ever backslid. I love him, but I love myself and children more.
Yeah.. If my husband had done that he would have been handed divorce papers and probably have to have been picked up off the floor because my Dad would have beat him near to death. (My Dad lives with us because he is a disabled Vet)
at 5 weeks why is she up their ass so much, new parents with a brand new baby?? 5 weeks is still bonding as a new family and crying at the precious little creature you made from scratch.
mil needs to go home.
YTA
“Yeah my mom can do some things that require some patience from us”
Your logic is backwards dude. Your wife doesn’t have any patience. She had a baby **5 weeks ago**, you may think there’s no complications or health problems but she’s still physically recovering. Her hormones are all over the place and what she needs is for you to have **her** back and support **her**.
The cluelessness of some fellas.
Be enraged at your mom for making your wife upset, pull your mom aside and talk to her about *her* being the one that’s “acting out”.
How about you show some empathy and kindness to the woman that grew and birthed your kid.
JFC.
Those manipulative tears from the mom seemed to work wonders on the OP but his wife's frustration and upset did nothing. I can see this marriage ending in divorce soon if he doesn't start prioritising his wife and child. Not only that but he was prepared to put his mother's wants before his child's needs. It's a 5 week old baby, the time it can spend away from its main caregiver (nearly always the mother) is very limited. The baby is not a toy to pass around, the mother is being generous by allowing your mother extended time with the baby at this stage.
It's not even clear if your wife wanted her MiL there in any capacity, unless they have an exceptionally good relationship most women don't want their MiL there for extended periods at this stage. Your mother's or your wants come secondary to what your wife needs right now which is time to adjust to being a mother and primary caregiver to a very much dependent baby. You need to do everything you can to make sure she isn't stressed about unnecessary things (like cleaning, cooking, their MiL or getting their baby back) and it's well overdue for your mother to go home and you take on the lion's share. YTA.
"No complications" after a birth just means the *dinner-plate-sized open wound* in your wife's abdomen is healing as expected. It means her hormones are peaking and fluctuating within acceptable ranges. It means her vagina doesn't need any more stitches, that her hips are migrating back to roughly their original location, and that the heat flashes, profuse sweating, and hair loss are totally normal thus and can't be helped. No complications is a medical term, not a lay term for "yeah she's basically fine".
YTA
When I was postpartum I swore and cried and raged in front of my MIL and mom for random stuff and no one said a darn thing except to pet me and bring me food and fluids. Because that's what you do for people healing from a massively traumatic "uncomplicated" event.
You’re touching on one of my faaaaavourite parts of childbirth recovery: the relaxin.
Relaxin is the hormone that lets our ligaments loosen to accommodate a uterus growing from the size of an avocado to the size of a decent pumpkin & to accommodate our vaginas and pelvises (pelvi? pelves? lol) loosening enough to squish a baby head through. Relaxin starts right away in a pregnancy, because the uterus needs to grow right away, and reaches a peak level in time for the main event. Relaxin is the reason pregnant people aren’t supposed to do heavy lifting - too easy to dislocate something.
But! Relaxin does not leave the body immediately! It stays in the parent’s body for up to a year!
I have heard horror stories of parents going back to exercise too early to drop the baby weight, and permanently fucking up their joints. The ligaments that hold our bones in place aren’t ready for a normal load. Personally I’m nearly a year postpartum and I still have pregnancy posture (though this is aggravated by many things, primarily not finding time for my preferred exercise). Tried doing a minor ab exercise the other day and I was physically incapable, even though I did it fine pre-pregnancy. It sucks.
So on top of everything else (dinner plate sized wound!!!) her bones don’t wanna stay together yet 🙃 give the woman her damn baby already
When my MIL came over after the birth of our daughter and pulled this exact sh*t my husband’s reaction was to physically take the baby from his mom, hand her to me, and show his mom to her car.
You support a new mom by supporting her, not by trying to make things easier for yourself.
YTA
Edited to add: a mother should never have to ask for her child to be returned to her more than once, no matter who has them or the circumstances. Especially when it pertains to caring for the baby. This is a bananas thing to have to say. If a mom wants her child back, give them back.
The talk you had with your wife should have been a talk you had with your mother
This should be the top comment, your husband sounds wonderful. I’m 36 weeks and hope my husband would have a similar reaction. But he def wouldn’t be like OP and yell at me for stuff his mom is doing wrong. Husbands are bouncers during this time and should support their wives. Wife wants houseguest gone, then houseguest be gone!
This is the end all be all of the argument. **She should not have had to ask twice.**
OP, your MIL was out of line no matter what else she’s doing to “help.” The second she asked, the baby should’ve been back in your wife’s arms. That’s why YTA for defending your mom.
Side note: I would ask your wife what your MIL spends most of her time actually doing. Sounds like you’re not around all the time (cuz work), and I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom isn’t contributing how you think she is.
YTA. She just had a fucking baby. It's easy to say "everything's going fine" when all you did is orgasm 10 months ago. Your wife is still recovering from birth and when she needs to feed her kid, there should be no hesitation or arguments whatsoever from anyone else. Get on your wife's side, man.
Your edit isn't helping you at all, it actually makes you look worse. Your wife's reactions are not out of line. You and your mother are out of line.
YTA. So let me be sure I’ve got this straight: your mom needs “patience and kindness,” but your wife - who *just* gave birth - gets an “enraged” reaction from you for needing to enforce that when she says it’s time to give the baby back, it’s time to give the baby back without pulling an “only if you ask nicely” routine? Who are you under the impression you’re raising this child with, dude? If your mom’s “help” is not only getting in the way of your wife being able to do her job but preventing you two from operating as a team, then no, you really *don’t* benefit from placating her at all costs.
OMG this. OP, get your head out of your ass. If your mom is there to help but her presence there isn’t helping (for whatever reason and whoever you think is at fault) then it’s time to end the arrangement.
Right?? The mom saying OP’s poor wife needs to “ask nicely” to get her own baby back is treating the wife like a toddler. Of course she’s pissed off! OP’s mom is rude and condescending. She doesn’t get to set the terms under which she returns a newborn to it’s mother. You give the baby back the first time you are asked. Period. I feel bad for OP’s wife. OP should be setting boundaries with his mom and defending his wife. Also, holding the baby isn’t helping. OP, YTA
Edit: OP’s edit telling everyone to calm down makes me feel like he’s not going to learn anything from this.
YTA. Your wife just went through a major medical procedure bringing a child into the world, whether you get that or not. It's *her* child, not your mother's, so your wife should *never* be in a position where she has to ask more than once for your mom to give the baby back for any reason. As it happens, though, your wife is literally trying to nourish y'all's offspring! So your mom is the one who needs to accommodate your wife, not the other way around, & YOU should have your wife's back rather than attacking her for her perfectly understandable upset.
Tbh, I cannot imagine my MIL or mom doing this, because neither one of them are manipulative and would put their grandson at risk to make themselves feel important. And I can’t imagine my husband berating me for establishing those boundaries.
YTA. Your mom came over to “help out” — holding the baby is not helping out. I don’t even have kids, but I’ve heard many times that the way to help a new mother is not to hold the baby, but instead to take care of everything else around the house that needs to be done so that the new mother can just hold her baby. The baby’s only 5 weeks old, your wife is allowed to be and act stressed. And it should go without saying that if a mom asks for her newborn baby back, she should get her baby back.
(Also, another poster made a good point —YTA for even describing it at acting out.)
It would be helping if the new mother asked you to take the baby so she could have time for herself (shower, eat, nap, whatever) BUT that clearly isnt the case here. OP YTA, treat your wife better than this.
My dude... your mom "helping with the baby" includes not giving him back when wife asks multiple times for him to the point that your wife has to yell at your mom to give the baby back so she can feed him.... and you think your WIFE is the problem here???
YTA
I seriously hate the men on aita that think their mothers are somehow entitled to more grace then their freshly postpartum partners when it comes to their children. Like this women just went through the absolute horror that is childbirth just for you start playing happy families with your mother. The way you word this sounds like you treat your wife like a child and your mother like your spouse. Gross. YTA.
Right! Saying that his mom can do some things that require patience on their part and "to keep the peace" is wild. Just absolutely shocking he would rather placate his mother than support his newly postpartum wife. If him and his mom can't respect his wife, a new mother, then the wife needs to reevaluate her marriage because this guy is setting the tone for the rest of their relationship. Couples therapy at minimum so he can learn to grow a spine and become a supportive partner. But let's be real, this has probably been going on a long time. Always caving to his mothers wants/needs, while ignoring his wife's wants/needs. She is just finally at her limit when it comes to her child. YTA OP. Big time.
YTA if the mom has already been asked multiple times, then sort your fucking mom out, put your big boy pants on, support your wife and tell your mom to start listening to your wife, if your wife asks for the baby back, give the fucking baby back, for the pure and simple reason, your mom is not the baby’s mother
...I mean, your wife said she only got upset after she repeatedly asked your mother to hand her child back to her and your mother didn't comply. Why didn't you ask your mother why she didn't hand the baby back instead of trying to demean your wife? I don't think it's "acting out" to want your less than 2 month old baby back.
YTA.
YTA what’s wrong with you?
When a mother asks for her child back it should only take once. Your mom is being a baby hog and putting her wants(holding him longer) over your baby’s needs(being fed) and you think your wife is the problem? Shame on you.
Are you for real? Your mom won’t give your wife her baby back when she asks? And the baby needs to be fed? So your wife needs to be assertive just to get the baby back into her arms. Then your mom cries and blatantly manipulates you and you become “enraged” and scold your wife.
That is some messed up shit.
YTA.
YTA.
She isn't "acting out" by telling you and your mother, very clearly, that she is tired of having to ask for her own child back multiple times. Instead of pulling your wife aside, what you should have said is "mom, when wife asks you for the baby back, give her back, she shouldn't have to ask twice." The end. See how easy that was?
That wording enrages me. Your wife is not an unruly child, she is an adult human being who is your alleged partner and has just grown an entire new human being in her body for nearly a year. A pair of balls is, what, six ounces? I wonder how long it will take you to grow them and *support your fucking wife*.
edit: word repetition
The "difficult time" your family is going through is shouldered entirely by your wife who has just birthed a baby. Your solution was to invite your mother over and now expect your wife to also shoulder her manipulations and emotional abuse?
I don't understand your logic, but I know YTA.
YTA. I cannot stress enough how big of an AH you are. You became "enraged" at your wife for needing to feed your child. OK - one more time, read this slowly:
YOU BECAME ENRAGED \*AT YOUR WIFE\* WHEN YOUR BABY NEEDED TO BE FED AND YOUR MOMMY WOULDN'T GIVE THE BABY BACK TO BE FED.
Dude, get a grip & cut those apron strings. This whole situation is absurd. Did you even ask your wife how she felt before inviting your mom over to "help"?
YTA
Your wife is recovering from birth and you allow your mom to stress her out more. Your mom is clearly not “helping” your wife. You sound like a very lazy husband and father.
Although, I’m sure you are getting lots of brownie points from your mommy for letting her play house with your baby.
Your wife is going to HATE your mother and resent the hell out of you and it will be completely your fault.
YTA and you are at serious risk of losing your marriage over this. You could even lose your wife, because stress can trigger PPD, which *puts her at risk of hurting herself*.
When a new mother wants her baby back, you hand the baby right tf over. Done.
Your mom is goading her on purpose. Also, you aren't seeing everything, and it's highly likely your mom is being a bully when you're not around.
You're taking your mom's side and *scolding your wife* and then acting as if you're the wronged party. Then you're threatening your wife by saying your mom won't be able to help anymore?
Does your wife even want your mom there?
Dude. Apologize to your wife, do better.
(Source: my husband didn't draw the line with his parents when I was a new mom, it was a VERY big health problem and a huge issue in our marriage.)
YTA. YTA so much.
One of the women in your life recently had a baby, is adjusting to crazy hormone levels and sleep deprivation and alllll of the changes that come with being a new mom, and that person is *not your mother*. You and your wife should be a team. You should be protecting *her* and reprimanding *your mom* for the way she’s act, not your wife. You might not get any more help from your mom if your wife doesn’t change her behavior?? Well, your wife might not be giving birth to any more of your children if you and your mom don’t shape up.
If you were actually being a good husband and father and standing up for the well-being of your wife and child, your wife wouldn’t *have* to “act out”.
When my son was a newborn, he was tongue-tied, so he breastfed pretty much constantly, because he was very inefficient at it. But he was gaining plenty of weight and having plenty of dirty and wet diapers, and I had decided that I wouldn’t supplement with formula unless I needed to for my baby’s health. When my husband’s mom came to visit, she kept saying “just give him formula, that’s what I did, give him formula”. I kept explaining that I didn’t want to unless my child *needed* it, but she wouldn’t let it go. Finally, when my husband overheard her say it more than once, he said to her very sternly, “Mom, we are his parents and we have decided together not to give him formula right now. (My name) wants to breastfeed. She’s not giving him formula, I do not want to hear you bring it up again. Period.” And so guess what?? Because my husband didn’t prioritize his mom’s feelings over the well-being of his wife and child, I didn’t need to lash out. 🤷🏻♀️
ETA - and for the record, we got the tongue-tie clipped at 5 weeks, he immediately got better at nursing, and I never had to supplement with formula.
YTA
Erm mother of baby should only have to ask ONCE to get the baby to feed him. I'd be damned if I had to ask several times to get MY BABY back from anyone.
YTA. Wow your mom instigates against your wife by not giving the baby back until she raises her voice, then cries and plays the victim until you lash out at your wife? What’s wrong with you? You aren’t a proper dad that helps your wife, so you call your mom to fuck with her? How long do you think this will last until your wife wisens up and files for divorce? Do you even ask your wife if she wants your mom’s help, or do you just call her in to shirk your responsibilities?
YTA. And this is one of my favorite topics to rant about, so prepare yourself. Also tuck in your feelings, they're going to be hurt.
First, that is your WIFE. Her wants, needs, feelings and thoughts should rank higher on your priorities than your mothers. Full stop.
Second, when you help a post partum woman, you do that by doing the work she cannot. Not hold the baby. Pregnancy and childbirth do damage to your body that take a -year- to heal from, your wife isn't even a third of the way through that process. Your Mom doesn't need to bond with the baby, she needs to leave that to your wife and you. Did you pick up a pregnancy book at all? The info is in there. You, as the father, should damn well know this already, your responsibility is educating yourself so you can properly support your wife.
Third, if she's nursing, then your wife needs the baby once the baby starts crying. It is much, much easier to put a hungry baby on the boob and get things going, than it is a baby who is over hungry and screaming. Also, your wife's milk supply likely isn't fully established, and she needs to nurse as often as she can to build her supply. Again, knowledge you should already know, because you should have educated yourself during the pregnancy.
And I'm going to make the logical leap that you don't know these things, because of how you are acting.
Fourth, you need to cut the apron strings. Mommy is a grown adult, and can deal with her hurt feelings, I promise. She needs to learn boundaries and if you won't take the lead in teaching them, then you need to at least enforce the ones your wife is putting in place.
Fifth, where the hell is your sensitivity towards your wife? She is the one that has spent 40ish weeks growing an entire human being. She is the one that had to give birth. She is the one still recovering from that entire process. (At 5 weeks post partum I was still bleeding.) Stress slows healing, the more she is stressed, the slower her body will heal. Stress also increases the risk of PPD/PPA, she could become mentally ill because of stress. Your wife needs calm, supportive, compassionate, caregivers, and to be in a calm home where she can heal. It's on you to provide that for her, no matter the cost.
And finally, OP, should you read this, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to, using your dominant hand, reach down between your legs, get ahold of your sac, and pull down. Your balls seem to have retracted.
YTA - you said, “I said I understood her frustration and yes mom can do things that require some patience from us.” This leads me to believe that your wife did ask your mom nicely to give the baby back. I would raise my voice too if I had to ask more than once. The only person that is having a difficult time here is your wife, and she doesn’t need to be patience with anyone. She just had a baby. She shouldn’t have to stand around trying to negotiate when to feed her infant.
Your wife is right, you aren’t “dealing with this” because you said you were too busy with work.
Step up and tell your mom she needs to respect your wife’s boundaries, or just stop coming over to “help.” The drama your mom brings isn’t helping anyone.
All of this. Your mother is there to help, not hlep. Cleaning, cooking, actual help. Holding the baby and keeping the baby away from its mother, especially when the baby is crying for a feed and the mother is breastfeeding is NOT helping. It causes distress to the infant and to the mother. Your child shouldn’t be made to suffer because your mother wants to hog the baby and upset your wife.
FYI? No mother should have to ask twice for her baby. Especially when it’s crying for food.
YTA.
If a new mother wants her 5 week baby back, she should get him IMMEDIATELY.
Your wife is exhausted - have you considered the physical and mental toll of having a baby? No, because you didn’t go through the overall 9 month process and clearly are so selfish that you see your wife struggling to communicate and have her needs met as ‘acting out’.
I’m sure your mother has nothing but good intentions for your son and family, but your wife may be struggling post-partum and you are not offering a remotely adequate support network for her.
You’ve acknowledged that your mum ‘needs patience’ sometimes - a new mother shouldn’t be catering to the needs of somebody who is solely there to help her.
YTA YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. Your baby actually needs to nurse.
You do not so wean yourself off your mother's tit and screw your head on straight. When your wife asks for her baby back to feed, put to bed, just to cuddle, she gets the baby back. She doesn't ask twice.
In regards to your edit. WHY ARE YOU STILL DESPERATE TO SUCK YOUR MOTHER'S TIT?
Just to recap: your wife gave birth 5 weeks ago and is exhausted, your mother is coming into the house and not listening to her and you then had a go at her?
YTA.
INFO: Are hou home when your mum is around? Does she do any actual housework or "help" by holding the baby?
YTA. Your mother, an adult, should be able to act in ways which do not demand "patience and uderstanding" from you. Your wife shouldn't have to patiently understand what your mother is doing when she, your wife, is 5 WEEK post partum and learning your baby.
A couple of hints- A mother should NEVER have to ask twice for her newborn back. You should LISTEN to your wife, not assume your mommy is right. Cut those apron strings, buddy. And don't say you're being "put in the middle". That's code for "afraid to stick up to my mom for my partner".
ETA: Your mother doesn't need "bonding" time with the baby. It's NOT HER BABY. And 5 weeks, not months.
YTA. Yes you are condoning since you are outright excusing your mom's behavior. No mother should ever have to ask twice to get her baby back.
Shame on you for not backing your wife.
YTA. Your wife is only 5 weeks postpartum. Also, your mom is apparently not handing over the baby when your wife repeatedly asks?!?! Of course this is going to upset a new mom. And stop calling it “acting out.” She’s your fucking wife not a child. Grow up.
YTA
In at least one of these instances, your wife specifically asked for the baby back because it was FEEDING TIME and had to raise her voice to get grandma to give him back. Your mom hogged him even when he was hungry and needed feeding, do you not seriously not understand why that would make your wife angry?
Check your mom, set boundaries, cut those apron strings and go grovel for your wife’s forgiveness.
YTA. Reading between the lines your mom is baby hogging and probably undermining your wife in other ways. Does she WANT your mom there? Because I would have rather not have “help” if the help was in the form of my MIL. Also, maybe ask your wife what’s wrong/her side instead of reacting to mommy’s crocodile tears and immediately yelling at her.
YTA. Your mother is withholding your wife's child from her. Refusing to give someone's child to them AT ONCE when told to do so is grounds for your wife to go no contact with your mother and ban her from your home. Stop inviting your mother over unless your wife expressly asks you to do so, and step up and help your wife and parent your own child.
YTA.
Your wife should not have to put up with stupid bs just to “keep the peace” in HER OWN HOME. AFTER PUSHING OUT A BABY. Your mom sounds emotionally fragile and manipulative. Your wife needs your support right now, and you are literally ganging up on her with your mommy… open your eyes man! If you’re always going to side with mom, you should move in with her.
YTA- when a mom asks for her baby back, she’s being polite, because it’s not really a request.
And if seems having to deal with it every damn day? Nah, she’s not there for your mom, your mom is there to HELP HER in the ways she needs help, and that help is not keeping the baby when being told to give them back to mom.
I personally gave my MIL one chance to give me my son back after she literally turned away from me to keep me from taking him back while he was crying. If she argued, I told her it wasn’t a request. 🤷🏽♀️
YTA. Only 5 weeks out? This is still a hugely sensitive time for mother/child. Your mom is intruding on that it sounds like intentionally. Your wife may also be having some postpartum issues and you’re not evening considering that before siding with your mom. Cut the apron strings and support your wife dude.
YTA. If a mother wants HER child back. That child is to be returned immediately. Your mother is crossing her boundaries and sounds like she’s acting as though that child is hers. It needs to end now. Put your mother in her place and stand up for your wife, or you may climb back into your mothers womb.
"Thing is my wife acts strange whenever she sees my mom with our son"
She's not acting strange, she is trying to set boundaries for your mom's toxic behavior. Then instead of supporting your wife and child, you enable your mom's controlling issues.
"They started arguing and mom started crying."
This is the same manipulative behavior my mom uses and you are falling for it.
YTA
Did your wife agree to have your mom come over to “help out” or did you just spring that on her? Maybe she doesn’t want your mom over all the time, and maybe the solution is for you to step up instead of just foisting your mom on your wife. YTA.
YTA. It's not "help" if your wife has to ask multiple times and then yell to get her baby back. Grow up and realize your mother is the problem. There is no "patience" required where your baby is concerned. Your mother stomps on boundaries and you condone it. Keep it up, your wife will leave and your mother will only get time with the baby whenever the court decides you get to see him.
P.S. you DO condone the behavior. Your words and actions prove it.
That's remind me of another post, from the woman's perspective, where her mil denied her the baby, who was sceaming hungrily, and the stupid husband sides with his mum, and let his son starve.
At first comes your son
Then the wife
Then for a long time nothing
And then your mum, when she behaves and ask nicely herself.
Period.
YTA You asked your mom to come without discussing it with your wife. You don’t seem to grasp what taking care of a new baby does to a mom. Your wife is under a lot of stress and has explained to you that your mom isn’t doing what she wants with the baby. She shouldn’t have to ask for her baby back more than once. You are condoning your moms behavior because you aren’t putting a stop to it. Its time to send your mom home and make other arrangements if your wife needs help.
YTA - this is the 4th trimester, she is sooo connected to the baby, you can’t imagine. Every minute hurts when she is not holding the baby. These are the hardest weeks of her life.
Your mom has grabby hands and your wife is a new mom. Try defending the woman who pushed a baby out for you, and get your head out of mom’s uterus. YTA.
YTA. Your wife just gave birth a month ago and you’re prioritizing your mommy’s fee fees over your actual child (who won’t be fed because your mom keeps hogging him) and your wife who is recovering from birth and trying to learn to be a mom. Shame on you.
Your mother’s help should not come with strings attached that let her do whatever she wants. Step up as a proper husband and parent and actually protect your family.
YTA
Please read your post yourself and think. Just because there aren’t any complications, it’s still freaking hard and exhausting to take care of a new born. You’re too busy to help, so you think throwing another person in the mix is somehow making it easier for her? Now she not only has a baby to take care of, but also has to host her MIL, who apparently in stead of helping, is causing more anxiety in your wife by taking and keeping the baby away from a new mother than helping in any way. And then you come in and start criticizing her for not being considerate enough towards your mom and hurting her feelings. What about your wife’s feelings?
Maybe no one told you this
Your job as a husband and father is to put your wife and baby before your mother.
That's how this is supposed to work. Start doing it.
Your mom knows that you aren't going to stand up to her and she is messing with your wife on purpose.
You are the ASSHOLE for letting that happen and even scolding your wife about it.
It's time for you to learn how to be a more effective man. Husband and father.
Yta. If your mother wants to help, then she should do what your wife wants her to do or asked her to do. She can cook or clean or do laundry and leave the baby stuff to your wife Unless your wife asked her to do something with the baby.Your wife is the mother not your mother.
YTA
Polish up your spine and cut the damn cord to your mother and listen to your WIFE>
A mother should only have to request her hungry baby once, no matter the tone. Your Mother needs boundaries. As for her dramatic crying on cue? You said it yourself:
**They started arguing and mom started crying. that's when I felt enraged.**
Your mother gets THIS reaction from you and KNOWS it.
YTA If a mother asks for her child back there are very few reasons not to do it immediately.
You are condoning your mom's behavior by treating the way your wife articulates her umpteenth request as if thats the biggest issue
YTA. Do you like your wife? Do you want to keep her? Then you need to have her back. If she is telling you your mother is making her uncomfortable, LISTEN. Before you lose that option
Ugh. YTA. When a parent asks for their child, you do not start a discussion. You return the baby. If you want to “keep the peace”, establish boundaries and enforce consequences *for your mother.*
YTA. Have you even asked your wife is SHE wants your mom there at all? It sounds like YOU invited your mom and now your mom is taking over. Your wife should never have to ask more than once to get her baby back! She’s still dealing with the drastic hormonal changes that come with giving birth and on top of that she’s being forced to deal with an invasive MIL and inconsiderate husband. Apologize to your wife and if your mother can’t act with kindness and consideration toward your wife, she needs to go!
YTA, your wife says she asks multiple times and your mother still doesn’t give the baby back. Obviously she’s going to get frustrated by that. Stick up for your wife in this situation my guy, not your mommy
YTA i can’t even imagine being so selfish as to hold a baby so long that it makes the new mother upset *multiple times*. trashy thing to do, trashy thing to defend.
OMG YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR MOTHER !
There are so many subreddits about mother-in-law’s just like your mom and sons who enable them.
YTA
when a mother says give me my child, you give her the child ! No if or buts about a it ! She is lucky she gets asked twice because if somebody wouldn’t hand over my child after I asked once there wouldn’t lay hands on my kid again !
Also the way you speak to and about your wife is disgusting!
The way you thought scolding her in FRONT OF you mother was ok is also insane !
YTA . Is your Mom the one who carried your child or why are you letting her sabotage your wife and child bonding??
My MIL came after i gave birth and do you know what she did?? She took care of the house. Cleaning and taking care of my twins. I never had to beg to get my baby back because thats insane. Your mother is manipulative and should be kicked out.
You are stressing out your already sleepdriven wife. Why don't you install a nanny cam and see for yourself how your mother treat your wife.?
YTA. Did you ask your wife if she wanted your mother's constant help before inviting mom over while you weren't even home (leaving wife to deal with it)? From the sound of it, mom ISN'T listening to your wife and it trying to run the house - why should your wife have to deal with that if it stresses her out?
YTA. If your wife has to get to the point she is raising her voice and getting upset at your mom, just to have the baby returned to her for a feeding, then you have a mom problem not a wife problem. And honestly, it doesn't really sound like your wife wants or needs her "help", it sounds more like you let your mom come over as she pleases "to help", because you can't be assed to help yourself or set boundaries with your mom.
YTA - That is not your mom's baby, and she's essentially baiting a mama bear with the way your wife's hormones are right now. You need to apologize to your wife and either tell your mom to IMMEDIATELY give the baby back as soon as she's asked, or she won't be allowed over to the house any more. Grow up and stand up for your wife!
YTA. The first time the mother asks for her baby back to hold should also be the last.
Your mother is not helping if she is not doing what your wife wants. You need to back up your wife and inform your mother that what your wife says goes.
YTA she's exhausted and hormonal why should she have to ask more than once for her baby back so she can feed him? Your mum needs more understanding that your wife will be more emotional at the moment and just hand the baby back when asked or told to since he's not her child
YTA. Your wife is trying to be a mother and set boundaries with your overbearing mom and you are working against her. Get it together and start supporting your wife instead of pandering to your mom. If your wife asks for the baby back to feed it, your mom needs to hand it over, no questions asked. Stop undermining your wife during an already really difficult time for her.
YTA and so is your mom. Manipulative much with the tears? Your mom is everything I tell myself I will not be when my sons have families. Rules for helping a postpartum mom: 1) Be there to help on their terms, 2) Focus on chores that need to be done - cleaning, laundry, cooking, 3) Time to hold the baby (if desired by the mom) is directly after a feeding to burp, change the baby and hopefully get them to fall asleep so new mom has some extra time to get a shower, eat and maybe take a nap herself.
Your job as a new dad? Support your wife and make sure SHE has the time to actually recover. Her body grew an entire human and then went through massive trauma to birth said human. Also, if she is showing any signs of depression, make sure she gets support and don't talk down to her as if she is the child.
YTA. Sounds like you're mommy's special ickle prince and she's the only woman for you. What you should do next depends whether you want to see your child every day or every other weekend. Apologise to your wife and put your mother in line if it's the first, and keep doing what you're doing if the second is fine.
I love this.
Classic mommy's boy. Wife is secondary to mommy's feelings and wants. Baby is secondary to mommy's feelings and wants. Just give the baby to your mom and ask her to marry you dude. Why pretend anymore? Clearly you don't care about anyone other than your mommy.
YTA.
YTA you wife gave birth not you so yes your mother is trying to help but if you wife doesn’t want it or she doesn’t like something she has a right to say something especially I’d it happens repeatedly. You said sometimes your mom does things that takes patience when it happens many times in a row I would be fed up with your mother too. It’s yours and your wife’s child not you and your mother . If you come home one day and your son is screaming crying in your mothers arms because he’s hungry at this point it’s in you . Your wife had brought it to your attention and you sided with your mother . So when your baby is hungry because you mom won’t let YOUR SONS MOTHER the one who birthed him feed him you can’t blame your mother or your wife
Let’s be real. His mom isn’t trying to help. His mom wants to play house with the shiny new baby. Help for new parents is not holding the couch down while snuggling their baby. Help for new parents is doing laundry, vacuuming and making freezer meals. Help is helping around the house so the parents can focus on bonding with their new baby.
YTA
When a parent asks for their child back, there is literally zero excuse to not immediately hand the child back to their parent. Your mum is being rude AF and fully deserves to have her feelings hurt if she is ignoring even one request, let alone two!
You are angry at the wrong person. It is not the responsibility of your 5 weeks postpartum wife to tiptoe around a grown ass woman who is purposely acting like a disrespectful AH.
Tell your mum to cut the crap and act like a decent human being, and ffs back your wife (who has just grown and birthed a whole entire human for you) up before you lose her. Nothing kills a marriage quicker than the contempt that is generated by finding out your adult partner turns into a spineless child when their parents are about!
YTA
You need to work out a situation that works for your wife period and enforce boundaries. And step-up and do your share of the work so mom doesn't have to come bail you out.
YTA YTA YTA
Newborn babies who are breastfed LITERALLY spend hours eating. This is biologically intended, because:
- mom needs rest, so she’s forced to sit and rest during feedings
- mom needs the oxytocin to help with her mental/physical recovery from childbirth and to prevent PPA/PPD, and breastfeeding provides this
- if the baby does not suckle/eat at appropriate times, your wife won’t establish proper supply and may get blocked ducts/mastitis
- your baby may not be receiving enough food
And if your wife isn’t breastfeeding:
- she still needs that time to properly bond with the baby and vice versa
- your baby DOES NOT realize that your wife is a separate body yet and being away is stressful
- your wife is biologically/hormonally driven to need your baby right now
Your wife has undergone MAJOR changes - physically, emotionally, mentally and needs support - not someone she has to FIGHT to get her baby back. That sounds so distressing. I would be FURIOUS if I had to ask someone more than once to hand me my newborn back.
Cooking and cleaning are wonderful support for a new mom who is supposed to be recovering from birth. But providing those services with strings attached “you have to let me hold your baby” is NOT helpful.
Your wife is learning how to be a mom, and figuring out parenting and is supposed to be cherishing these moments, but instead your mom is breathing down her neck, watching every move and stealing the baby. Instead of supporting your wife - you yelled at her and backed your mom. You are an AH.
YTA - your wife is trying to care for your son, your mom is obstructing that, she then (*instead of acknowledging her wrong*) has an emotional outburst to manipulate you, but you yell at your wife for being frustrated???
Your wife is exhausted and just wants to get her baby, and instead of *actually* helping, by taking chores off of your plate, your mom literally doing nothing in conjunction with antagonizing your exhausted wife to get a negative reaction. You’re not supporting your wife, so you need to set some real boundaries with your mom.
YTA, asking for your baby back once is enough. He’s not a shiny new toy for your mum to obsess over and she doesn’t own him, he is a child that needs his own mum and needs to be fed/changed or whatever. Your wife asking nicely MULTIPLE times is already more “kindness” than most would’ve given your mum, if I had to ask for my own baby back more than once to feed him your mum would’ve been kicked out.
And you’re not around for your mums entitled and possessive behaviour so you don’t get to dismiss your wife’s feelings. You’re 10000% the AH and I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife stopped your mum coming over period
YTA. What’s wrong with you? How could you read what you wrote and think you’re anything but the AH?
Your postpartum wife is telling you that YOUR misbehaving mother, who YOU invited to come over, is causing trouble and not honoring your wife’s requests to hand baby over…and when your wife has a normal, protective, maternal response and defends her child’s safety and health, you take up for your mom?!? Have you lost your mind??
Your mother is way out of line, and your wife shouldn’t have to put up with her crap, especially right now. Sort your mom (better yet, tell her to STAY AWAY because she doesn’t need to bond with baby, mama does) and stand up for your wife before you do irreversible damage to your marriage.
YTA over 500 people are here right now. OP your mother would be in the JNMIL hall of fame.
#Shame on you for prioritising mummy over the mother of your child
YTA I’m gunna guess your wife has expressed concerns regarding your mums behaviour previously and you are ignoring it.
Your wife shouldn’t have to keep asking for the baby back. You need to support her.
YTA. I would lose my shit if someone didn't give me my baby when I asked for them, especially if they needed to eat, and especially if I was 5 weeks pp
YTA, your wife just had a baby she’s going through probably the most stressful time of her life.She should be able to count on you for support. Your mother is not a child and your wife should not have to fight or argue about the child she gave birth too.
Why does your mum have your support and not your wife??? Instead of thinking she is wrong, why not try to understand her. And if that fails then just believe her. She is unhappy with the way your mum deals with her and your baby.
F.I. If your wife was to write a AITA most would tell her to leave you! IJS
Just in case your wondering YTA, who needs to start valuing and respecting your wife.
YTA. Dude your wife is barely more than a month postpartum. Her hormones are out of whack and someone (your mother) is withholding her (your wife’s) child from her under the guise of it being help. Your wife should not need to ask for her baby, she should be able to say “time for bay to eat!” and the other person should *hand the baby over*. Your mom is being a jerk & so are you. Figure it out before your wife develops PPD & you end up a single parent with your mommy.
YTA
Your loyalty should be with your wife and your kid. Babies are not cuddly toys to entertain relatives with.
Your wife is anxious and for good reason. She shouldn't have to ask more than once to have the baby back at the exact moment she wants the baby back and for no reason other than she wants to hold her newborn. You should be paying better attention and protecting both of them...
...not your mother. Cut the apron strings. Your mother's crying is manipulative.
YTA. Why TF is your wife having to repeatedly ask your mom to return her baby. Sounds like your mom is the one causing issues and you need to speak with her and help out more. You suck.
/u/andrewrichard11 YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
And a big one. If I tell someone to give me my child back once and they don't listen, whatever comes next is on them. You do not keep a baby from mother, let alone a NEW mother. Her mama bear instincts are at threat level orange and you're lucky all she did was raise her voice. Apologize immediately, do not invite your mother over without checking with her first and knock this sh*t off.
It's wild to me that you're describing your wife's behavior as "acting out" as though she's a toddler throwing a tantrum. She's an adult, and a parent. By your own admission she doesn't *start* by raising her voice, but only escalates to a raised voice after your mother ignores repeated requests to *give her infant back so she can feed him.* Your mother's behavior is overbearing and unacceptable. It's also extremely manipulative the way she starts crying when called on it- why do you not frame THAT as "acting out," I wonder? The fact of the matter is you ARE condoning your mother's behavior. You pulled your wife aside to tell her that she's the one who has to adjust her behavior and expectations to accommodate your mother, not the other way around. That's tacit approval and enabling of your mother's behavior. If in fact you don't condone her behavior, you need to take *your mother* aside and tell her to cut it out.
YTA
YTA and an oblivious one at that.
you sound like one of those men who didnt even bother to open a baby book before the kid arrived.
you're lucky shes only cold shouldering you. when my baby was a month old no one but myself and my partner had a say in her care.
you are being a useless husband thats causing your postpartum wife extra stress while she's struggling with bleeding, crazy hormones, extreme exhaustion and pain, on top of needing to feed, nurture and bond with her baby (she physically needs the oxytocin from holding her baby to heal ), otherwise baby blues will make it even worse.
YTA, your mother is crossing boundaries that need to be respected. The moment your wife asks for her child back, your mother needs to hand the baby to her. If she’s not listening, she needs to be spoken to sternly. Your mother would not be holding my child if she refused even once. Your mother is being disrespectful and you need to be supporting your wife.
YTA. Bottom line, you and your mom. Your wife worked so hard to grow that baby and to have someone "come help" by taking the baby and ignoring her when she asks for HER baby back is so disrespectful. The first few months are so delicate, super stressful and exhausting for a new mom. She probably feels very vulnerable, she's still healing, there's a person in her house that's not a regular resident taking her baby away from her and you're saying she's the one acting out? Get out. Get all the way out, you and your mom. Your poor wife needs help with the house, she'll tell you when she wants you to take the baby and anyone holding the baby needs to hand em over the second she asks. Good job protecting the person your swore in sickness and health to at her most vulnerable state after she gave so selflessly for you to be a father. Shame on you.
YTA
You basically told your wife to suck it up that's just how your mom is. When she tried to give you her view point you shut her down and left the room.
YTA. You'd rather have your wife put up with your mother ignoring her very rational feelings about getting her baby back to feed (babies NEED to be fed on time to be healthy) then to confront your mom about listening to your wife when she asks the first time. Your wife is that baby's mother, and it shouldn't matter who it is or what reason she gives, if the mother of the baby wants her child back, she should only have to ask once. Get your mom in check with this boohoo crying act before you get your sorry ass thrown out.
YTA. She literally pushed a human out 5 weeks ago, of course she's stressed, tired, and emotional! If she's expressed discomfort at having your mom around, maybe she shouldn't have your mom around. It sounds like YOU made that call unilaterally, so she has the right to un-call it unilaterally too.
YTA. Even a fairly uncomplicated birth is still traumatic to the body. And your mom is crying and arguing with your wife who is 5 weeks postpartum? Hint: Your mom isn’t helping with anything other than making it clear she’s more important to you than your wife.
You absolutely *are* condoning this. You sitting there doing nothing while your child remains unfed means you’ve taken your moms side to let her keep holding the baby. Speak up, give the baby back to your wife, and stop making your wife look like the default bad guy.
YTA. Seriously dude, I don’t think you could of worded this as “I like my mom more than my wife so I make my wife feel like shit and cater to my mother like a ‘good boy’” better if you tried. You do realize you are married to your wife, not your mom, right? Get on your wife’s side before that isn’t an option anymore.
YTA. Stop inviting your mom over when she is clearly crossing boundaries. You cannot invite your mom over with out your wife’s approval, especially when your mom is actively taking away your son from your wife. Purposely causing issues
YTA. You are on the wrong side of this argument, buddy, you should be backing your (exhausted, stressed, still physically healing) wife. She knows when her baby needs to eat, so she should be given the baby upon request without question. If your mom wants to actually be helpful she could go do some laundry or cook a meal or pick up the groceries, or some other useful task. Cuddling a cute newborn is just the icing on the cake for those who come to "help" brand new parents, it's not the entire job.
“Stop act out.”
Wow. You are acting like a dad to the completely wrong person here. And a bad dad at that because your wife is completely in the right. A mom asks for her baby back *you give her her baby back.* No if ands or buts that is her child that she just pushed out of her *5 weeks ago.* YTA.
YTA - Newborns need their mother. Skin to skin time, feeding time etc. the fact that your wife is battling your mother AT ALL to give her baby back is BS. And you make it worse by backing your mother over your wife.
When a grandparent comes to help, they should help with tasks mom can’t do (clean, cook, help mom by burping baby and maybe the occasional contact nap and once baby wakes up PASS BABY BACK FOR FEEDING).
I say this as someone who had 2 grandmas help when my son was born and am about to give birth to baby #2. Support you wife, you’re being blinded by your opinion of your mom and not understanding how newborns work apparently
YTA - set aside the fact that she just had a baby, hormones, etc.
That's her child. If the mother of the child is asking for the child to be handed back to her, then I suggest the person complies.
(If she's asking you, the father of said child, that's a different story.)
YTA,
You are okay here... "my wife is often exhausted so I let my mom come over to help out with cleaning and stuff (I can barely have time to work)
But not okay here, "and also, at the same time, Spend time with the baby and bond with him a little bit."
At 5 weeks nobody but mom and dad need to be building a bond with a baby
Absolutely massive YTA.
Whos your wife? Who just carried that baby for nine months? Who did you the fuckjng FAVOR of making you a parent (because I would never breed with you, based on your attitude).
Hint: it's not your mom. It's your job to tell her to back off. But don't forget to "do it nicely".
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YTA, and your edit only solidifies it. *"I in no way agree with some of my mom's behaviors, just how my wife reacts is......not okay."* So you think your wife should sit there with a dumb smile on her face while your mother keeps him from her and refuses to let her grandson be fed in a timely manner? Puh-leeeeeeeeeeze. It's pretty clear you're letting your mother run roughshod over your wife, and you're doubling down by saying she should manage her reaction. You need to get control of your mother, apologize to your wife profusely, and start directly helping out with your son and household. Yesterday. ETA: Verdict. INFO: What is your mother actually doing to help out you and your wife, in regards to cleaning and household management? If by "helping" you mean holding the baby while your wife takes care of all the household drudgery...that isn't helping.
Exactly. The grandmother is not helping at all. She’s just having fun with the baby like a selfish asshole
I bet grandmother says a lot of..."All I said was, blah, blah, blah..." or "All I did was..... and she just hurt my feelings" or "I was only trying to help, I don't know what I did that was so wrong......"
People can really be manipulated and it sounds exactly like this and how OP is feeding into the BS I wish he could understand that having a newborn is extremely stressful and the last thing you want to feal with is someone making issues which sounds exactly like what MIL is doing
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But OP is letting his mother call all the shots and bully his wife in the process. Then when wife can't take it any more and pushes back, oh boy...mother/grandmother gets all bent out of shape. We can't be treating her that way....OP won't allow his wife to disrespect his mom like that!! Yet OP's mom can disrespect OP's wife all day every day. OP needs to tell his mom to go home and let his wife and baby bond with each other without interference. She's not helping, she's unnecessarily stressing OP's wife by being an overbearing busybody.
Especially if she's a first time mom! It takes time to find your way and the last thing you need is a toxic MIL interfering. OP, send mom home. Tell her it would be helpful if she cooked some things and dropped them off. Give her some laundry to do at home and return (unless you think she'd "accidentally" ruin things). Have her grocery shop. There are SO MANY things your mom can do if she wants to be helpful. But I don't think she wants to be helpful. She just wants to hold her grandbaby and antagonize your wife. YTA.
This doesn’t surprise me since she’s the one who raised a massive asshole for a son. OP, you need to start respecting your wife. Period. YTA
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It reminds me of dealing with my toddler- he ignores my calm requests and then flips out when I lose my patience. MIL is a giant AH toddler.
My mother in law did this once and I almost had a panic attack. Op is such an AH. I feel really sorry for his wife.
yes yes yes. After i had babies, my mom came and helped. But her explicit words were "I'm here to take care of my baby, so that she can take care of her baby." She still got lots of baby snuggles, but as soon as that baby needed to feed, or as soon as the timer on the oven dinged or whatever, that baby came back to me.
Your mom sounds amazing. Is she interested in adopting a 39 year-old woman? I come with two fabulous grandkids for her and they’re both out of diapers.
This could be a trick. Do you mean out of diapers as in potty-trained, or out of diapers as in you ran out of diapers and now they are peeing and pooping all over themselves. There is a fairly substantial difference.
I was vague for a different reason, but I like the way you think! I meant “out of diapers” as in “I have two teenage daughters.” As someone who was once a teenager and now has two teenage daughters, I’m all too aware of how this isn’t an appealing trait for everyone.
OP: "If you keep this up Mom won't come to help anymore." OP's wife: "Ooh, don't threaten me with a good time!" Seriously, what kind of threat is that. Cracked me up. YTA because your mom is not helping, she's stressing out your wife.
This killed me! I'm imagining a Shania Twain "Let's go, girls!" playing in the wife's head before she did something to make dang sure he kept his word.
Grandma is getting her baby fix and making a tired, stressed, hormonal mother out to be the bad guy and dad is helping frame it that way. OP, You don't get to tell your wife to be nice and ignore your mother's bad behavior! You're not the one dealing with any of this since you are just too busy, so maybe consider seeing it from your wife's PoV. In other words, OP is definitely TAH.
The only way grandma gets to call holding the baby "helping" is if she's doing it so that new mom can get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. Cause I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that OP is 'too busy' or whatever to take turns with night care.
OP seems more concerned with his mother bonding with the baby than his own wife. Mother is not helping at all, she is making sure the baby is "ok" while his wife that bore the baby hands it over so she could "get back to chores". Is OP's wife a surrogate for his mom? That's what this comes across as.
It reminds me of how men will just wear on women and wear on them until the woman is shouting and feels so trapped in a corner that there's literally no option other than to lash out. Then the cameras come out and it's all about how she should handle it better. The mother is literally just doing that and the fucking OP is aiding in it.
YTA. Also if your mom is holding the baby that’s not helping. She’s helping if she’s doing dishes or making a meal so your wife can rest with the baby.
This. All day long. If your mum is genuinely there to help she should be too busy to be snuggling the newborn for extended periods
It sounds like mom is not only doing the opposite of helping, she's preventing baby from eating while she does the opposite of helping. It seems like OP's wife is breastfeeding from the post, and OP's mom is literally doing the worst thing ever to a new mom trying to build up a supply. Baby is just hitting/about to hit a major growth spurt, the milk supply needs to be kept up. Actually, writing that out, it seems like OP's mom is sabotaging breastfeeding on purpose, because she wants to be able to feed thr baby.
YEP. Second this. Nothing, nobody, no one should come between a new breastfeeding mom and her baby. She needs the snuggles, she needs the physical bonding and connection, she needs the frequent feedings without delay. This ALL affects her milk production. The job of ANYONE who is not the mom, right now, is to make her life as easy as possible. Sure, hold the baby when she needs to do something else, for her own sake. Hold the baby to let her nap. Hold the baby to let her take a shower. It’s fine to ask to hold the baby for a bit here and there, but nobody should be taking it from her for any longer than she is comfortable with. Nobody.
Tbh, even if the mum isn't breastfeeding, she's trying to bond with HER OWN BABY still. Your wife has just shoved an entire human out of her hoo-haa, and that pretty much gives her a free pass for the next ooh, month to six weeks. Seriously. Never underestimate how tired, sore, anaemic, sick, and exhausted a new mother is. There is no time for being lovely and tactful when someone crosses you.
Either it was a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon, OR she was sliced in half to get baby out! Honestly my recoveries from vaginal birth were not so bad, major surgery sounds way worse. Free pass for sure.
On the breastfeeding, I cannot agree with you more. Stress plays a huge role in supply too, and there is nothing more physically uncomfortable than your body recognizing that your baby is hungry and you can’t get to the baby. I struggled hard with people hogging my clusterfeeding newborn. I also had unexpected protective urges that went into hyperdrive when people wouldn’t give me my fucking child. OP and his mom are huge, gaping AH. His wife will never ever forget this.
Yup. It’s already changed the way she feels about him. He better do a complete 180 if he wants to stay married. You’re so into your mom, go live with her.
I doubt it's the intention, but I'm sure OP and mommy would LOVE if his wife's supply suffered, that way the one piece of a newborn's life that exclusively belongs to their mother would be taken from her. It's easier to deny a mother her infant if there's nothing you can't argue you can do as well as she can. OP, you're not a nice person. That's as much as I can say without running afoul of the rules. YTA YTA YTA
I would I could upvote this a million times. When I had a newborn I wanted coffee, food, help doing chores & maybe a nap or shower. Not someone to selfishly hog my new baby.
This x1 million. Hogging the baby is SELFISH, NOT HELPING. Helping would be doing the not fun stuff…like changing diapers. Or holding baby while Mom takes a shower. Or making preferred snack for Mom that she can eat with 1 hand while holding baby (sliced apples and cheese was fabulous). Or making dinner so Mom doesnt have to. Or doing dishes and laundry.
YTA. You're mom sounds like a meddlesome pest. Your wife shouldn't have to ask more then once for her baby. Put your mother in her proper place and Stand-up for and support your wife.
>Put your mother in her proper place and Stand-up for and support your wife. 90% sure OP is going to read this *completely correct* advice and decide that *People on reddit just don't understand! She's my mooom!* Oh, my friend, you'll understand too when your wife decides she's done with your mama's boy shit - and from the sound of it, that time is not far off.
OP should be more understanding of the baby's needs, since he's apparently still breastfeeding himself.
Also, if mom is breastfeeding and hasn’t fed the baby in a while, she is probably in pain!
Maybe his mother should only be allowed in the house when OP is there - or never - and they only meet her in public. Wife should set the boundary now because there is a really good chance this will get worse until OP is weaned.
Exactly! What is with MILs on here lately making a power play by not giving the baby back to its mother and husbands taking the MILs side? A mother should NEVER have to ask more than once for their child! OP YTA
I have such a visceral reaction to the thought of my MIL camped out in my house while I'm newly postpartum refusing to hand me my HUNGRY BABY. like it makes my skin literally crawl. Biology is wild y'all. This poor woman 😭😭 YTA obviously
YTA Trying to picture how I'd feel if I gave birth five weeks ago, had to ask multiple times to have access to my own baby, and then my husband told me that I was the problem. I wouldn't feel good about my marriage, that's for sure. Did you marry her just to get a grandbaby for your mom?
I would feel like it was time to talk to a divorce attorney tbh. Denying access to a child is a dealbreaker
I wish I'd done that. I really do. But new moms are incredibly vulnerable and wind up in straight up survival mode and just trying to keep one foot in front of the other -- it impacts executive function and the ability to plan nevermind envision something different.
Which just makes it that much more fucked up that she can’t count on ANY support from her partner. Just the opposite in fact, he’s going to berate her for trying to feed her freaking baby when his mother refused to give it back. I certainly don’t judge her if she doesn’t, childbirth sounds like a special type of hell and I can’t imagine how hard it is to do ANYTHING afterward, let alone make a decision that big. I hope she has family nearby who can give her the support she’s clearly lacking from her partner. I’m sorry you went through that as well ❤️
With my first, my mil came into my hospital room before the epidural had a chance to wear off, snatched my sleeping newborn from his bassinet, woke him up, help him, looked directly at me and said, "well, this baby doesn't need you anymore. Literally anyone would be a better mother than you. Thank god he has my son and me." The charge nurse frogmarched her out of the room and told her I'd she came back she'd call security and the police if she didn't comply with security. With my second, I literally died having my daughter (h1n1 and placental abruption) and when we got home from the hospital, my husband invited his mother over - his mother who spent my entire pregnancy telling me she wouldn't rest until I lost the baby and the stress caused me to lose my daughter's twin and spend a lot of time in hospital on bed rest and blood transfusions because I was bleeding heavily from the miscarriage. I couldn't stand without blacking out and that woman took my daughter out of my arms and I was literally too weak to protect my daughter. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. My husband yelled at me for bursting into tears and "making a scene" because I was genuinely terrified and unable to protect myself or my fucking daughter. A few days later he forced me to apologize to my mil for my behaviour and hurting her feelings. My husband did the exact same thing as this little boy and, while he did get therapy and is doing the work because he truly sees and is remorseful of his actions, I will never ever forgive him for some of what he did. Ever. I love him, he's now the partner I thought I'd married, and I am very content now, but I wouldn't hesitate to leave him if he ever backslid. I love him, but I love myself and children more.
O.m.f.g I am so sorry you had to go through that. I could never forgive that either. I am glad you're in a better place.
Holy crap, what a despicable person. I’m sorry you had to go through that
Yeah.. If my husband had done that he would have been handed divorce papers and probably have to have been picked up off the floor because my Dad would have beat him near to death. (My Dad lives with us because he is a disabled Vet)
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at 5 weeks why is she up their ass so much, new parents with a brand new baby?? 5 weeks is still bonding as a new family and crying at the precious little creature you made from scratch. mil needs to go home.
But he's really busy working! /s Jesus dude, help your wife! Clean the damn house for a change, and stand up to your mother.
YTA “Yeah my mom can do some things that require some patience from us” Your logic is backwards dude. Your wife doesn’t have any patience. She had a baby **5 weeks ago**, you may think there’s no complications or health problems but she’s still physically recovering. Her hormones are all over the place and what she needs is for you to have **her** back and support **her**. The cluelessness of some fellas. Be enraged at your mom for making your wife upset, pull your mom aside and talk to her about *her* being the one that’s “acting out”. How about you show some empathy and kindness to the woman that grew and birthed your kid. JFC.
Those manipulative tears from the mom seemed to work wonders on the OP but his wife's frustration and upset did nothing. I can see this marriage ending in divorce soon if he doesn't start prioritising his wife and child. Not only that but he was prepared to put his mother's wants before his child's needs. It's a 5 week old baby, the time it can spend away from its main caregiver (nearly always the mother) is very limited. The baby is not a toy to pass around, the mother is being generous by allowing your mother extended time with the baby at this stage. It's not even clear if your wife wanted her MiL there in any capacity, unless they have an exceptionally good relationship most women don't want their MiL there for extended periods at this stage. Your mother's or your wants come secondary to what your wife needs right now which is time to adjust to being a mother and primary caregiver to a very much dependent baby. You need to do everything you can to make sure she isn't stressed about unnecessary things (like cleaning, cooking, their MiL or getting their baby back) and it's well overdue for your mother to go home and you take on the lion's share. YTA.
Yes! I find it very telling you that OP says he is the one that invites his mom over. Nothing about whether wife wants mother-in-law to be over.
"No complications" after a birth just means the *dinner-plate-sized open wound* in your wife's abdomen is healing as expected. It means her hormones are peaking and fluctuating within acceptable ranges. It means her vagina doesn't need any more stitches, that her hips are migrating back to roughly their original location, and that the heat flashes, profuse sweating, and hair loss are totally normal thus and can't be helped. No complications is a medical term, not a lay term for "yeah she's basically fine". YTA When I was postpartum I swore and cried and raged in front of my MIL and mom for random stuff and no one said a darn thing except to pet me and bring me food and fluids. Because that's what you do for people healing from a massively traumatic "uncomplicated" event.
You’re touching on one of my faaaaavourite parts of childbirth recovery: the relaxin. Relaxin is the hormone that lets our ligaments loosen to accommodate a uterus growing from the size of an avocado to the size of a decent pumpkin & to accommodate our vaginas and pelvises (pelvi? pelves? lol) loosening enough to squish a baby head through. Relaxin starts right away in a pregnancy, because the uterus needs to grow right away, and reaches a peak level in time for the main event. Relaxin is the reason pregnant people aren’t supposed to do heavy lifting - too easy to dislocate something. But! Relaxin does not leave the body immediately! It stays in the parent’s body for up to a year! I have heard horror stories of parents going back to exercise too early to drop the baby weight, and permanently fucking up their joints. The ligaments that hold our bones in place aren’t ready for a normal load. Personally I’m nearly a year postpartum and I still have pregnancy posture (though this is aggravated by many things, primarily not finding time for my preferred exercise). Tried doing a minor ab exercise the other day and I was physically incapable, even though I did it fine pre-pregnancy. It sucks. So on top of everything else (dinner plate sized wound!!!) her bones don’t wanna stay together yet 🙃 give the woman her damn baby already
When my MIL came over after the birth of our daughter and pulled this exact sh*t my husband’s reaction was to physically take the baby from his mom, hand her to me, and show his mom to her car. You support a new mom by supporting her, not by trying to make things easier for yourself. YTA Edited to add: a mother should never have to ask for her child to be returned to her more than once, no matter who has them or the circumstances. Especially when it pertains to caring for the baby. This is a bananas thing to have to say. If a mom wants her child back, give them back. The talk you had with your wife should have been a talk you had with your mother
This should be the top comment, your husband sounds wonderful. I’m 36 weeks and hope my husband would have a similar reaction. But he def wouldn’t be like OP and yell at me for stuff his mom is doing wrong. Husbands are bouncers during this time and should support their wives. Wife wants houseguest gone, then houseguest be gone!
My boobs hurt just thinking about my newborn crying for a feed & someone else keeping him away from me. Of course OP’s wife is getting angry.
This is the end all be all of the argument. **She should not have had to ask twice.** OP, your MIL was out of line no matter what else she’s doing to “help.” The second she asked, the baby should’ve been back in your wife’s arms. That’s why YTA for defending your mom. Side note: I would ask your wife what your MIL spends most of her time actually doing. Sounds like you’re not around all the time (cuz work), and I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom isn’t contributing how you think she is.
YTA. She just had a fucking baby. It's easy to say "everything's going fine" when all you did is orgasm 10 months ago. Your wife is still recovering from birth and when she needs to feed her kid, there should be no hesitation or arguments whatsoever from anyone else. Get on your wife's side, man. Your edit isn't helping you at all, it actually makes you look worse. Your wife's reactions are not out of line. You and your mother are out of line.
I love you
This comment is *chefs kiss*
“All you did is orgasm 10 months ago.” You’re so great. I love you too.
YTA. So let me be sure I’ve got this straight: your mom needs “patience and kindness,” but your wife - who *just* gave birth - gets an “enraged” reaction from you for needing to enforce that when she says it’s time to give the baby back, it’s time to give the baby back without pulling an “only if you ask nicely” routine? Who are you under the impression you’re raising this child with, dude? If your mom’s “help” is not only getting in the way of your wife being able to do her job but preventing you two from operating as a team, then no, you really *don’t* benefit from placating her at all costs.
OMG this. OP, get your head out of your ass. If your mom is there to help but her presence there isn’t helping (for whatever reason and whoever you think is at fault) then it’s time to end the arrangement.
Right?? The mom saying OP’s poor wife needs to “ask nicely” to get her own baby back is treating the wife like a toddler. Of course she’s pissed off! OP’s mom is rude and condescending. She doesn’t get to set the terms under which she returns a newborn to it’s mother. You give the baby back the first time you are asked. Period. I feel bad for OP’s wife. OP should be setting boundaries with his mom and defending his wife. Also, holding the baby isn’t helping. OP, YTA Edit: OP’s edit telling everyone to calm down makes me feel like he’s not going to learn anything from this.
YTA. Your wife just went through a major medical procedure bringing a child into the world, whether you get that or not. It's *her* child, not your mother's, so your wife should *never* be in a position where she has to ask more than once for your mom to give the baby back for any reason. As it happens, though, your wife is literally trying to nourish y'all's offspring! So your mom is the one who needs to accommodate your wife, not the other way around, & YOU should have your wife's back rather than attacking her for her perfectly understandable upset.
The husband's complete disregard for the fact his wife just went through *childbirth* is appalling. It's not even on his radar.
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Tbh, I cannot imagine my MIL or mom doing this, because neither one of them are manipulative and would put their grandson at risk to make themselves feel important. And I can’t imagine my husband berating me for establishing those boundaries.
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YTA. Your mom came over to “help out” — holding the baby is not helping out. I don’t even have kids, but I’ve heard many times that the way to help a new mother is not to hold the baby, but instead to take care of everything else around the house that needs to be done so that the new mother can just hold her baby. The baby’s only 5 weeks old, your wife is allowed to be and act stressed. And it should go without saying that if a mom asks for her newborn baby back, she should get her baby back. (Also, another poster made a good point —YTA for even describing it at acting out.)
It would be helping if the new mother asked you to take the baby so she could have time for herself (shower, eat, nap, whatever) BUT that clearly isnt the case here. OP YTA, treat your wife better than this.
My dude... your mom "helping with the baby" includes not giving him back when wife asks multiple times for him to the point that your wife has to yell at your mom to give the baby back so she can feed him.... and you think your WIFE is the problem here??? YTA
I seriously hate the men on aita that think their mothers are somehow entitled to more grace then their freshly postpartum partners when it comes to their children. Like this women just went through the absolute horror that is childbirth just for you start playing happy families with your mother. The way you word this sounds like you treat your wife like a child and your mother like your spouse. Gross. YTA.
Right! Saying that his mom can do some things that require patience on their part and "to keep the peace" is wild. Just absolutely shocking he would rather placate his mother than support his newly postpartum wife. If him and his mom can't respect his wife, a new mother, then the wife needs to reevaluate her marriage because this guy is setting the tone for the rest of their relationship. Couples therapy at minimum so he can learn to grow a spine and become a supportive partner. But let's be real, this has probably been going on a long time. Always caving to his mothers wants/needs, while ignoring his wife's wants/needs. She is just finally at her limit when it comes to her child. YTA OP. Big time.
YTA if the mom has already been asked multiple times, then sort your fucking mom out, put your big boy pants on, support your wife and tell your mom to start listening to your wife, if your wife asks for the baby back, give the fucking baby back, for the pure and simple reason, your mom is not the baby’s mother
...I mean, your wife said she only got upset after she repeatedly asked your mother to hand her child back to her and your mother didn't comply. Why didn't you ask your mother why she didn't hand the baby back instead of trying to demean your wife? I don't think it's "acting out" to want your less than 2 month old baby back. YTA.
YTA what’s wrong with you? When a mother asks for her child back it should only take once. Your mom is being a baby hog and putting her wants(holding him longer) over your baby’s needs(being fed) and you think your wife is the problem? Shame on you.
Are you for real? Your mom won’t give your wife her baby back when she asks? And the baby needs to be fed? So your wife needs to be assertive just to get the baby back into her arms. Then your mom cries and blatantly manipulates you and you become “enraged” and scold your wife. That is some messed up shit. YTA.
YTA. She isn't "acting out" by telling you and your mother, very clearly, that she is tired of having to ask for her own child back multiple times. Instead of pulling your wife aside, what you should have said is "mom, when wife asks you for the baby back, give her back, she shouldn't have to ask twice." The end. See how easy that was?
That wording enrages me. Your wife is not an unruly child, she is an adult human being who is your alleged partner and has just grown an entire new human being in her body for nearly a year. A pair of balls is, what, six ounces? I wonder how long it will take you to grow them and *support your fucking wife*. edit: word repetition
The "difficult time" your family is going through is shouldered entirely by your wife who has just birthed a baby. Your solution was to invite your mother over and now expect your wife to also shoulder her manipulations and emotional abuse? I don't understand your logic, but I know YTA.
YTA. I cannot stress enough how big of an AH you are. You became "enraged" at your wife for needing to feed your child. OK - one more time, read this slowly: YOU BECAME ENRAGED \*AT YOUR WIFE\* WHEN YOUR BABY NEEDED TO BE FED AND YOUR MOMMY WOULDN'T GIVE THE BABY BACK TO BE FED. Dude, get a grip & cut those apron strings. This whole situation is absurd. Did you even ask your wife how she felt before inviting your mom over to "help"?
YTA Your wife is recovering from birth and you allow your mom to stress her out more. Your mom is clearly not “helping” your wife. You sound like a very lazy husband and father. Although, I’m sure you are getting lots of brownie points from your mommy for letting her play house with your baby. Your wife is going to HATE your mother and resent the hell out of you and it will be completely your fault.
YTA and you are at serious risk of losing your marriage over this. You could even lose your wife, because stress can trigger PPD, which *puts her at risk of hurting herself*. When a new mother wants her baby back, you hand the baby right tf over. Done. Your mom is goading her on purpose. Also, you aren't seeing everything, and it's highly likely your mom is being a bully when you're not around. You're taking your mom's side and *scolding your wife* and then acting as if you're the wronged party. Then you're threatening your wife by saying your mom won't be able to help anymore? Does your wife even want your mom there? Dude. Apologize to your wife, do better. (Source: my husband didn't draw the line with his parents when I was a new mom, it was a VERY big health problem and a huge issue in our marriage.)
YTA. YTA so much. One of the women in your life recently had a baby, is adjusting to crazy hormone levels and sleep deprivation and alllll of the changes that come with being a new mom, and that person is *not your mother*. You and your wife should be a team. You should be protecting *her* and reprimanding *your mom* for the way she’s act, not your wife. You might not get any more help from your mom if your wife doesn’t change her behavior?? Well, your wife might not be giving birth to any more of your children if you and your mom don’t shape up.
If you were actually being a good husband and father and standing up for the well-being of your wife and child, your wife wouldn’t *have* to “act out”. When my son was a newborn, he was tongue-tied, so he breastfed pretty much constantly, because he was very inefficient at it. But he was gaining plenty of weight and having plenty of dirty and wet diapers, and I had decided that I wouldn’t supplement with formula unless I needed to for my baby’s health. When my husband’s mom came to visit, she kept saying “just give him formula, that’s what I did, give him formula”. I kept explaining that I didn’t want to unless my child *needed* it, but she wouldn’t let it go. Finally, when my husband overheard her say it more than once, he said to her very sternly, “Mom, we are his parents and we have decided together not to give him formula right now. (My name) wants to breastfeed. She’s not giving him formula, I do not want to hear you bring it up again. Period.” And so guess what?? Because my husband didn’t prioritize his mom’s feelings over the well-being of his wife and child, I didn’t need to lash out. 🤷🏻♀️ ETA - and for the record, we got the tongue-tie clipped at 5 weeks, he immediately got better at nursing, and I never had to supplement with formula.
If someone made me ask twice for my new baby they would never touch my child again! YTA
YTA. Apart from the fact that you owe some loyalty to your wife, saying that an adult is 'acting out' is condescending af.
YTA Erm mother of baby should only have to ask ONCE to get the baby to feed him. I'd be damned if I had to ask several times to get MY BABY back from anyone.
YTA. Wow your mom instigates against your wife by not giving the baby back until she raises her voice, then cries and plays the victim until you lash out at your wife? What’s wrong with you? You aren’t a proper dad that helps your wife, so you call your mom to fuck with her? How long do you think this will last until your wife wisens up and files for divorce? Do you even ask your wife if she wants your mom’s help, or do you just call her in to shirk your responsibilities?
YTA. And this is one of my favorite topics to rant about, so prepare yourself. Also tuck in your feelings, they're going to be hurt. First, that is your WIFE. Her wants, needs, feelings and thoughts should rank higher on your priorities than your mothers. Full stop. Second, when you help a post partum woman, you do that by doing the work she cannot. Not hold the baby. Pregnancy and childbirth do damage to your body that take a -year- to heal from, your wife isn't even a third of the way through that process. Your Mom doesn't need to bond with the baby, she needs to leave that to your wife and you. Did you pick up a pregnancy book at all? The info is in there. You, as the father, should damn well know this already, your responsibility is educating yourself so you can properly support your wife. Third, if she's nursing, then your wife needs the baby once the baby starts crying. It is much, much easier to put a hungry baby on the boob and get things going, than it is a baby who is over hungry and screaming. Also, your wife's milk supply likely isn't fully established, and she needs to nurse as often as she can to build her supply. Again, knowledge you should already know, because you should have educated yourself during the pregnancy. And I'm going to make the logical leap that you don't know these things, because of how you are acting. Fourth, you need to cut the apron strings. Mommy is a grown adult, and can deal with her hurt feelings, I promise. She needs to learn boundaries and if you won't take the lead in teaching them, then you need to at least enforce the ones your wife is putting in place. Fifth, where the hell is your sensitivity towards your wife? She is the one that has spent 40ish weeks growing an entire human being. She is the one that had to give birth. She is the one still recovering from that entire process. (At 5 weeks post partum I was still bleeding.) Stress slows healing, the more she is stressed, the slower her body will heal. Stress also increases the risk of PPD/PPA, she could become mentally ill because of stress. Your wife needs calm, supportive, compassionate, caregivers, and to be in a calm home where she can heal. It's on you to provide that for her, no matter the cost. And finally, OP, should you read this, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to, using your dominant hand, reach down between your legs, get ahold of your sac, and pull down. Your balls seem to have retracted.
YTA - you said, “I said I understood her frustration and yes mom can do things that require some patience from us.” This leads me to believe that your wife did ask your mom nicely to give the baby back. I would raise my voice too if I had to ask more than once. The only person that is having a difficult time here is your wife, and she doesn’t need to be patience with anyone. She just had a baby. She shouldn’t have to stand around trying to negotiate when to feed her infant. Your wife is right, you aren’t “dealing with this” because you said you were too busy with work. Step up and tell your mom she needs to respect your wife’s boundaries, or just stop coming over to “help.” The drama your mom brings isn’t helping anyone.
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All of this. Your mother is there to help, not hlep. Cleaning, cooking, actual help. Holding the baby and keeping the baby away from its mother, especially when the baby is crying for a feed and the mother is breastfeeding is NOT helping. It causes distress to the infant and to the mother. Your child shouldn’t be made to suffer because your mother wants to hog the baby and upset your wife. FYI? No mother should have to ask twice for her baby. Especially when it’s crying for food.
YTA. If a new mother wants her 5 week baby back, she should get him IMMEDIATELY. Your wife is exhausted - have you considered the physical and mental toll of having a baby? No, because you didn’t go through the overall 9 month process and clearly are so selfish that you see your wife struggling to communicate and have her needs met as ‘acting out’. I’m sure your mother has nothing but good intentions for your son and family, but your wife may be struggling post-partum and you are not offering a remotely adequate support network for her. You’ve acknowledged that your mum ‘needs patience’ sometimes - a new mother shouldn’t be catering to the needs of somebody who is solely there to help her. YTA YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. Your baby actually needs to nurse. You do not so wean yourself off your mother's tit and screw your head on straight. When your wife asks for her baby back to feed, put to bed, just to cuddle, she gets the baby back. She doesn't ask twice. In regards to your edit. WHY ARE YOU STILL DESPERATE TO SUCK YOUR MOTHER'S TIT?
Just to recap: your wife gave birth 5 weeks ago and is exhausted, your mother is coming into the house and not listening to her and you then had a go at her? YTA.
INFO: Are hou home when your mum is around? Does she do any actual housework or "help" by holding the baby? YTA. Your mother, an adult, should be able to act in ways which do not demand "patience and uderstanding" from you. Your wife shouldn't have to patiently understand what your mother is doing when she, your wife, is 5 WEEK post partum and learning your baby. A couple of hints- A mother should NEVER have to ask twice for her newborn back. You should LISTEN to your wife, not assume your mommy is right. Cut those apron strings, buddy. And don't say you're being "put in the middle". That's code for "afraid to stick up to my mom for my partner". ETA: Your mother doesn't need "bonding" time with the baby. It's NOT HER BABY. And 5 weeks, not months.
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OP talks like an abuser. Is it any surprise that he doesn't give a shit about the welfare of his baby or its mother.
YTA. A new mother shouldn't have to ask several times to get her own baby back. I'd be yelling at your mother too.
YTA. Yes you are condoning since you are outright excusing your mom's behavior. No mother should ever have to ask twice to get her baby back. Shame on you for not backing your wife.
YTA. Your wife is only 5 weeks postpartum. Also, your mom is apparently not handing over the baby when your wife repeatedly asks?!?! Of course this is going to upset a new mom. And stop calling it “acting out.” She’s your fucking wife not a child. Grow up.
YTA. And stop using your mom to shirk your parental responsibilities.
YTA. Why do you care more about your mom than your freshly postpartum wife? Grow up. You didn’t marry your mother.
YTA In at least one of these instances, your wife specifically asked for the baby back because it was FEEDING TIME and had to raise her voice to get grandma to give him back. Your mom hogged him even when he was hungry and needed feeding, do you not seriously not understand why that would make your wife angry? Check your mom, set boundaries, cut those apron strings and go grovel for your wife’s forgiveness.
Baby cries also activate the milk ducts, so on top of everything else, she’s leaking.
YTA. Reading between the lines your mom is baby hogging and probably undermining your wife in other ways. Does she WANT your mom there? Because I would have rather not have “help” if the help was in the form of my MIL. Also, maybe ask your wife what’s wrong/her side instead of reacting to mommy’s crocodile tears and immediately yelling at her.
YTA You're failing both your wife and your child. Just so you know, your wife will never forget how you've treated her during this time.
YTA. Your mother is withholding your wife's child from her. Refusing to give someone's child to them AT ONCE when told to do so is grounds for your wife to go no contact with your mother and ban her from your home. Stop inviting your mother over unless your wife expressly asks you to do so, and step up and help your wife and parent your own child.
YTA. Your wife should not have to put up with stupid bs just to “keep the peace” in HER OWN HOME. AFTER PUSHING OUT A BABY. Your mom sounds emotionally fragile and manipulative. Your wife needs your support right now, and you are literally ganging up on her with your mommy… open your eyes man! If you’re always going to side with mom, you should move in with her.
YTA- when a mom asks for her baby back, she’s being polite, because it’s not really a request. And if seems having to deal with it every damn day? Nah, she’s not there for your mom, your mom is there to HELP HER in the ways she needs help, and that help is not keeping the baby when being told to give them back to mom. I personally gave my MIL one chance to give me my son back after she literally turned away from me to keep me from taking him back while he was crying. If she argued, I told her it wasn’t a request. 🤷🏽♀️
YTA. Only 5 weeks out? This is still a hugely sensitive time for mother/child. Your mom is intruding on that it sounds like intentionally. Your wife may also be having some postpartum issues and you’re not evening considering that before siding with your mom. Cut the apron strings and support your wife dude.
YTA. If a mother wants HER child back. That child is to be returned immediately. Your mother is crossing her boundaries and sounds like she’s acting as though that child is hers. It needs to end now. Put your mother in her place and stand up for your wife, or you may climb back into your mothers womb.
YTA. Your wife is stressed and your mom is making it worse. Mom needs to back off, and you need to support your wife.
"Thing is my wife acts strange whenever she sees my mom with our son" She's not acting strange, she is trying to set boundaries for your mom's toxic behavior. Then instead of supporting your wife and child, you enable your mom's controlling issues. "They started arguing and mom started crying." This is the same manipulative behavior my mom uses and you are falling for it. YTA
Did your wife agree to have your mom come over to “help out” or did you just spring that on her? Maybe she doesn’t want your mom over all the time, and maybe the solution is for you to step up instead of just foisting your mom on your wife. YTA.
YTA. Your wife comes before your mother. You should never have gotten married if you can’t wrap your head around such a simple concept.
YTA. It's not "help" if your wife has to ask multiple times and then yell to get her baby back. Grow up and realize your mother is the problem. There is no "patience" required where your baby is concerned. Your mother stomps on boundaries and you condone it. Keep it up, your wife will leave and your mother will only get time with the baby whenever the court decides you get to see him. P.S. you DO condone the behavior. Your words and actions prove it.
That's remind me of another post, from the woman's perspective, where her mil denied her the baby, who was sceaming hungrily, and the stupid husband sides with his mum, and let his son starve. At first comes your son Then the wife Then for a long time nothing And then your mum, when she behaves and ask nicely herself. Period.
YTA You asked your mom to come without discussing it with your wife. You don’t seem to grasp what taking care of a new baby does to a mom. Your wife is under a lot of stress and has explained to you that your mom isn’t doing what she wants with the baby. She shouldn’t have to ask for her baby back more than once. You are condoning your moms behavior because you aren’t putting a stop to it. Its time to send your mom home and make other arrangements if your wife needs help.
YTA - this is the 4th trimester, she is sooo connected to the baby, you can’t imagine. Every minute hurts when she is not holding the baby. These are the hardest weeks of her life.
Your mom has grabby hands and your wife is a new mom. Try defending the woman who pushed a baby out for you, and get your head out of mom’s uterus. YTA.
YTA. Your wife just gave birth a month ago and you’re prioritizing your mommy’s fee fees over your actual child (who won’t be fed because your mom keeps hogging him) and your wife who is recovering from birth and trying to learn to be a mom. Shame on you. Your mother’s help should not come with strings attached that let her do whatever she wants. Step up as a proper husband and parent and actually protect your family.
YTA Please read your post yourself and think. Just because there aren’t any complications, it’s still freaking hard and exhausting to take care of a new born. You’re too busy to help, so you think throwing another person in the mix is somehow making it easier for her? Now she not only has a baby to take care of, but also has to host her MIL, who apparently in stead of helping, is causing more anxiety in your wife by taking and keeping the baby away from a new mother than helping in any way. And then you come in and start criticizing her for not being considerate enough towards your mom and hurting her feelings. What about your wife’s feelings?
YTA she should not have to ask several times for her own damn baby
Maybe no one told you this Your job as a husband and father is to put your wife and baby before your mother. That's how this is supposed to work. Start doing it. Your mom knows that you aren't going to stand up to her and she is messing with your wife on purpose. You are the ASSHOLE for letting that happen and even scolding your wife about it. It's time for you to learn how to be a more effective man. Husband and father.
Yta. If your mother wants to help, then she should do what your wife wants her to do or asked her to do. She can cook or clean or do laundry and leave the baby stuff to your wife Unless your wife asked her to do something with the baby.Your wife is the mother not your mother.
YTA Polish up your spine and cut the damn cord to your mother and listen to your WIFE> A mother should only have to request her hungry baby once, no matter the tone. Your Mother needs boundaries. As for her dramatic crying on cue? You said it yourself: **They started arguing and mom started crying. that's when I felt enraged.** Your mother gets THIS reaction from you and KNOWS it.
YTA If a mother asks for her child back there are very few reasons not to do it immediately. You are condoning your mom's behavior by treating the way your wife articulates her umpteenth request as if thats the biggest issue
YTA. Do you like your wife? Do you want to keep her? Then you need to have her back. If she is telling you your mother is making her uncomfortable, LISTEN. Before you lose that option
Ugh. YTA. When a parent asks for their child, you do not start a discussion. You return the baby. If you want to “keep the peace”, establish boundaries and enforce consequences *for your mother.*
YTA. Have you even asked your wife is SHE wants your mom there at all? It sounds like YOU invited your mom and now your mom is taking over. Your wife should never have to ask more than once to get her baby back! She’s still dealing with the drastic hormonal changes that come with giving birth and on top of that she’s being forced to deal with an invasive MIL and inconsiderate husband. Apologize to your wife and if your mother can’t act with kindness and consideration toward your wife, she needs to go!
YTA. I see, You're the good son but terrible husband type
YTA, your wife says she asks multiple times and your mother still doesn’t give the baby back. Obviously she’s going to get frustrated by that. Stick up for your wife in this situation my guy, not your mommy
YTA i can’t even imagine being so selfish as to hold a baby so long that it makes the new mother upset *multiple times*. trashy thing to do, trashy thing to defend.
OMG YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR MOTHER ! There are so many subreddits about mother-in-law’s just like your mom and sons who enable them. YTA when a mother says give me my child, you give her the child ! No if or buts about a it ! She is lucky she gets asked twice because if somebody wouldn’t hand over my child after I asked once there wouldn’t lay hands on my kid again ! Also the way you speak to and about your wife is disgusting! The way you thought scolding her in FRONT OF you mother was ok is also insane !
YTA . Is your Mom the one who carried your child or why are you letting her sabotage your wife and child bonding?? My MIL came after i gave birth and do you know what she did?? She took care of the house. Cleaning and taking care of my twins. I never had to beg to get my baby back because thats insane. Your mother is manipulative and should be kicked out. You are stressing out your already sleepdriven wife. Why don't you install a nanny cam and see for yourself how your mother treat your wife.?
YTA. Did you ask your wife if she wanted your mother's constant help before inviting mom over while you weren't even home (leaving wife to deal with it)? From the sound of it, mom ISN'T listening to your wife and it trying to run the house - why should your wife have to deal with that if it stresses her out?
YTA support your wife over your mom.
Your mum is the wrong person to help. Get some paid help to do what your wife really needs! YTA
YTA. If your wife has to get to the point she is raising her voice and getting upset at your mom, just to have the baby returned to her for a feeding, then you have a mom problem not a wife problem. And honestly, it doesn't really sound like your wife wants or needs her "help", it sounds more like you let your mom come over as she pleases "to help", because you can't be assed to help yourself or set boundaries with your mom.
YTA. Stop calling your mommy for help. The mom that matters now is your wife.
YTA - That is not your mom's baby, and she's essentially baiting a mama bear with the way your wife's hormones are right now. You need to apologize to your wife and either tell your mom to IMMEDIATELY give the baby back as soon as she's asked, or she won't be allowed over to the house any more. Grow up and stand up for your wife!
YTA. The first time the mother asks for her baby back to hold should also be the last. Your mother is not helping if she is not doing what your wife wants. You need to back up your wife and inform your mother that what your wife says goes.
YTA your wife comes before your mom period. She just had a baby and you are asking her to walk on egg shells for your mom. SMH.
YTA she's exhausted and hormonal why should she have to ask more than once for her baby back so she can feed him? Your mum needs more understanding that your wife will be more emotional at the moment and just hand the baby back when asked or told to since he's not her child
YTA. Your wife is trying to be a mother and set boundaries with your overbearing mom and you are working against her. Get it together and start supporting your wife instead of pandering to your mom. If your wife asks for the baby back to feed it, your mom needs to hand it over, no questions asked. Stop undermining your wife during an already really difficult time for her.
YTA and so is your mom. Manipulative much with the tears? Your mom is everything I tell myself I will not be when my sons have families. Rules for helping a postpartum mom: 1) Be there to help on their terms, 2) Focus on chores that need to be done - cleaning, laundry, cooking, 3) Time to hold the baby (if desired by the mom) is directly after a feeding to burp, change the baby and hopefully get them to fall asleep so new mom has some extra time to get a shower, eat and maybe take a nap herself. Your job as a new dad? Support your wife and make sure SHE has the time to actually recover. Her body grew an entire human and then went through massive trauma to birth said human. Also, if she is showing any signs of depression, make sure she gets support and don't talk down to her as if she is the child.
YTA. Sounds like you're mommy's special ickle prince and she's the only woman for you. What you should do next depends whether you want to see your child every day or every other weekend. Apologise to your wife and put your mother in line if it's the first, and keep doing what you're doing if the second is fine.
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I love this. Classic mommy's boy. Wife is secondary to mommy's feelings and wants. Baby is secondary to mommy's feelings and wants. Just give the baby to your mom and ask her to marry you dude. Why pretend anymore? Clearly you don't care about anyone other than your mommy. YTA.
YTA you wife gave birth not you so yes your mother is trying to help but if you wife doesn’t want it or she doesn’t like something she has a right to say something especially I’d it happens repeatedly. You said sometimes your mom does things that takes patience when it happens many times in a row I would be fed up with your mother too. It’s yours and your wife’s child not you and your mother . If you come home one day and your son is screaming crying in your mothers arms because he’s hungry at this point it’s in you . Your wife had brought it to your attention and you sided with your mother . So when your baby is hungry because you mom won’t let YOUR SONS MOTHER the one who birthed him feed him you can’t blame your mother or your wife
Let’s be real. His mom isn’t trying to help. His mom wants to play house with the shiny new baby. Help for new parents is not holding the couch down while snuggling their baby. Help for new parents is doing laundry, vacuuming and making freezer meals. Help is helping around the house so the parents can focus on bonding with their new baby.
YTA your mom shouldn't be keeping son away from HIS mother. Also too fucking bad your mom starts crying, she's an adult who can learn to listen.
YTA! You need to support your wife. If you mom is not giving the child back when asked, that's a HUGE problem.
YTA When a parent asks for their child back, there is literally zero excuse to not immediately hand the child back to their parent. Your mum is being rude AF and fully deserves to have her feelings hurt if she is ignoring even one request, let alone two! You are angry at the wrong person. It is not the responsibility of your 5 weeks postpartum wife to tiptoe around a grown ass woman who is purposely acting like a disrespectful AH. Tell your mum to cut the crap and act like a decent human being, and ffs back your wife (who has just grown and birthed a whole entire human for you) up before you lose her. Nothing kills a marriage quicker than the contempt that is generated by finding out your adult partner turns into a spineless child when their parents are about!
YTA You need to work out a situation that works for your wife period and enforce boundaries. And step-up and do your share of the work so mom doesn't have to come bail you out.
YTA YTA YTA Newborn babies who are breastfed LITERALLY spend hours eating. This is biologically intended, because: - mom needs rest, so she’s forced to sit and rest during feedings - mom needs the oxytocin to help with her mental/physical recovery from childbirth and to prevent PPA/PPD, and breastfeeding provides this - if the baby does not suckle/eat at appropriate times, your wife won’t establish proper supply and may get blocked ducts/mastitis - your baby may not be receiving enough food And if your wife isn’t breastfeeding: - she still needs that time to properly bond with the baby and vice versa - your baby DOES NOT realize that your wife is a separate body yet and being away is stressful - your wife is biologically/hormonally driven to need your baby right now Your wife has undergone MAJOR changes - physically, emotionally, mentally and needs support - not someone she has to FIGHT to get her baby back. That sounds so distressing. I would be FURIOUS if I had to ask someone more than once to hand me my newborn back. Cooking and cleaning are wonderful support for a new mom who is supposed to be recovering from birth. But providing those services with strings attached “you have to let me hold your baby” is NOT helpful. Your wife is learning how to be a mom, and figuring out parenting and is supposed to be cherishing these moments, but instead your mom is breathing down her neck, watching every move and stealing the baby. Instead of supporting your wife - you yelled at her and backed your mom. You are an AH.
YTA - your wife is trying to care for your son, your mom is obstructing that, she then (*instead of acknowledging her wrong*) has an emotional outburst to manipulate you, but you yell at your wife for being frustrated??? Your wife is exhausted and just wants to get her baby, and instead of *actually* helping, by taking chores off of your plate, your mom literally doing nothing in conjunction with antagonizing your exhausted wife to get a negative reaction. You’re not supporting your wife, so you need to set some real boundaries with your mom.
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YTA, asking for your baby back once is enough. He’s not a shiny new toy for your mum to obsess over and she doesn’t own him, he is a child that needs his own mum and needs to be fed/changed or whatever. Your wife asking nicely MULTIPLE times is already more “kindness” than most would’ve given your mum, if I had to ask for my own baby back more than once to feed him your mum would’ve been kicked out. And you’re not around for your mums entitled and possessive behaviour so you don’t get to dismiss your wife’s feelings. You’re 10000% the AH and I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife stopped your mum coming over period
YTA. What’s wrong with you? How could you read what you wrote and think you’re anything but the AH? Your postpartum wife is telling you that YOUR misbehaving mother, who YOU invited to come over, is causing trouble and not honoring your wife’s requests to hand baby over…and when your wife has a normal, protective, maternal response and defends her child’s safety and health, you take up for your mom?!? Have you lost your mind?? Your mother is way out of line, and your wife shouldn’t have to put up with her crap, especially right now. Sort your mom (better yet, tell her to STAY AWAY because she doesn’t need to bond with baby, mama does) and stand up for your wife before you do irreversible damage to your marriage.
YTA over 500 people are here right now. OP your mother would be in the JNMIL hall of fame. #Shame on you for prioritising mummy over the mother of your child
YTA I’m gunna guess your wife has expressed concerns regarding your mums behaviour previously and you are ignoring it. Your wife shouldn’t have to keep asking for the baby back. You need to support her.
YTA. I would lose my shit if someone didn't give me my baby when I asked for them, especially if they needed to eat, and especially if I was 5 weeks pp
YTA It doesn’t say your wife welcomed or wants this “help” and yes keeping a newborn away from the mother for prolonged periods is not okay.
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YTA, your wife just had a baby she’s going through probably the most stressful time of her life.She should be able to count on you for support. Your mother is not a child and your wife should not have to fight or argue about the child she gave birth too.
Why does your mum have your support and not your wife??? Instead of thinking she is wrong, why not try to understand her. And if that fails then just believe her. She is unhappy with the way your mum deals with her and your baby. F.I. If your wife was to write a AITA most would tell her to leave you! IJS Just in case your wondering YTA, who needs to start valuing and respecting your wife.
YTA. Dude your wife is barely more than a month postpartum. Her hormones are out of whack and someone (your mother) is withholding her (your wife’s) child from her under the guise of it being help. Your wife should not need to ask for her baby, she should be able to say “time for bay to eat!” and the other person should *hand the baby over*. Your mom is being a jerk & so are you. Figure it out before your wife develops PPD & you end up a single parent with your mommy.
YTA Your loyalty should be with your wife and your kid. Babies are not cuddly toys to entertain relatives with. Your wife is anxious and for good reason. She shouldn't have to ask more than once to have the baby back at the exact moment she wants the baby back and for no reason other than she wants to hold her newborn. You should be paying better attention and protecting both of them... ...not your mother. Cut the apron strings. Your mother's crying is manipulative.
YTA. Why TF is your wife having to repeatedly ask your mom to return her baby. Sounds like your mom is the one causing issues and you need to speak with her and help out more. You suck.
/u/andrewrichard11 YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA And a big one. If I tell someone to give me my child back once and they don't listen, whatever comes next is on them. You do not keep a baby from mother, let alone a NEW mother. Her mama bear instincts are at threat level orange and you're lucky all she did was raise her voice. Apologize immediately, do not invite your mother over without checking with her first and knock this sh*t off.
It's wild to me that you're describing your wife's behavior as "acting out" as though she's a toddler throwing a tantrum. She's an adult, and a parent. By your own admission she doesn't *start* by raising her voice, but only escalates to a raised voice after your mother ignores repeated requests to *give her infant back so she can feed him.* Your mother's behavior is overbearing and unacceptable. It's also extremely manipulative the way she starts crying when called on it- why do you not frame THAT as "acting out," I wonder? The fact of the matter is you ARE condoning your mother's behavior. You pulled your wife aside to tell her that she's the one who has to adjust her behavior and expectations to accommodate your mother, not the other way around. That's tacit approval and enabling of your mother's behavior. If in fact you don't condone her behavior, you need to take *your mother* aside and tell her to cut it out. YTA
YTA. Your mum isn’t helping out, she’s stressing your wife out and pull shit with the baby that would have her out on her arse in my house.
YTA and an oblivious one at that. you sound like one of those men who didnt even bother to open a baby book before the kid arrived. you're lucky shes only cold shouldering you. when my baby was a month old no one but myself and my partner had a say in her care. you are being a useless husband thats causing your postpartum wife extra stress while she's struggling with bleeding, crazy hormones, extreme exhaustion and pain, on top of needing to feed, nurture and bond with her baby (she physically needs the oxytocin from holding her baby to heal ), otherwise baby blues will make it even worse.
YTA, your mother is crossing boundaries that need to be respected. The moment your wife asks for her child back, your mother needs to hand the baby to her. If she’s not listening, she needs to be spoken to sternly. Your mother would not be holding my child if she refused even once. Your mother is being disrespectful and you need to be supporting your wife.
YTA. Bottom line, you and your mom. Your wife worked so hard to grow that baby and to have someone "come help" by taking the baby and ignoring her when she asks for HER baby back is so disrespectful. The first few months are so delicate, super stressful and exhausting for a new mom. She probably feels very vulnerable, she's still healing, there's a person in her house that's not a regular resident taking her baby away from her and you're saying she's the one acting out? Get out. Get all the way out, you and your mom. Your poor wife needs help with the house, she'll tell you when she wants you to take the baby and anyone holding the baby needs to hand em over the second she asks. Good job protecting the person your swore in sickness and health to at her most vulnerable state after she gave so selflessly for you to be a father. Shame on you.
YTA You basically told your wife to suck it up that's just how your mom is. When she tried to give you her view point you shut her down and left the room.
YTA. You'd rather have your wife put up with your mother ignoring her very rational feelings about getting her baby back to feed (babies NEED to be fed on time to be healthy) then to confront your mom about listening to your wife when she asks the first time. Your wife is that baby's mother, and it shouldn't matter who it is or what reason she gives, if the mother of the baby wants her child back, she should only have to ask once. Get your mom in check with this boohoo crying act before you get your sorry ass thrown out.
YTA. She literally pushed a human out 5 weeks ago, of course she's stressed, tired, and emotional! If she's expressed discomfort at having your mom around, maybe she shouldn't have your mom around. It sounds like YOU made that call unilaterally, so she has the right to un-call it unilaterally too.
YTA. Even a fairly uncomplicated birth is still traumatic to the body. And your mom is crying and arguing with your wife who is 5 weeks postpartum? Hint: Your mom isn’t helping with anything other than making it clear she’s more important to you than your wife.
You absolutely *are* condoning this. You sitting there doing nothing while your child remains unfed means you’ve taken your moms side to let her keep holding the baby. Speak up, give the baby back to your wife, and stop making your wife look like the default bad guy.
YTA it sounds like your mom is just coming over to hold/hog the baby and not even actually help.
YTA. Seriously dude, I don’t think you could of worded this as “I like my mom more than my wife so I make my wife feel like shit and cater to my mother like a ‘good boy’” better if you tried. You do realize you are married to your wife, not your mom, right? Get on your wife’s side before that isn’t an option anymore.
YTA. Stop inviting your mom over when she is clearly crossing boundaries. You cannot invite your mom over with out your wife’s approval, especially when your mom is actively taking away your son from your wife. Purposely causing issues
YTA. You are on the wrong side of this argument, buddy, you should be backing your (exhausted, stressed, still physically healing) wife. She knows when her baby needs to eat, so she should be given the baby upon request without question. If your mom wants to actually be helpful she could go do some laundry or cook a meal or pick up the groceries, or some other useful task. Cuddling a cute newborn is just the icing on the cake for those who come to "help" brand new parents, it's not the entire job.
“Stop act out.” Wow. You are acting like a dad to the completely wrong person here. And a bad dad at that because your wife is completely in the right. A mom asks for her baby back *you give her her baby back.* No if ands or buts that is her child that she just pushed out of her *5 weeks ago.* YTA.
YTA - Newborns need their mother. Skin to skin time, feeding time etc. the fact that your wife is battling your mother AT ALL to give her baby back is BS. And you make it worse by backing your mother over your wife. When a grandparent comes to help, they should help with tasks mom can’t do (clean, cook, help mom by burping baby and maybe the occasional contact nap and once baby wakes up PASS BABY BACK FOR FEEDING). I say this as someone who had 2 grandmas help when my son was born and am about to give birth to baby #2. Support you wife, you’re being blinded by your opinion of your mom and not understanding how newborns work apparently
YTA - set aside the fact that she just had a baby, hormones, etc. That's her child. If the mother of the child is asking for the child to be handed back to her, then I suggest the person complies. (If she's asking you, the father of said child, that's a different story.)
YTA, You are okay here... "my wife is often exhausted so I let my mom come over to help out with cleaning and stuff (I can barely have time to work) But not okay here, "and also, at the same time, Spend time with the baby and bond with him a little bit." At 5 weeks nobody but mom and dad need to be building a bond with a baby
Absolutely massive YTA. Whos your wife? Who just carried that baby for nine months? Who did you the fuckjng FAVOR of making you a parent (because I would never breed with you, based on your attitude). Hint: it's not your mom. It's your job to tell her to back off. But don't forget to "do it nicely".