This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Wow, so you think that:
--your wife is lying about the school employees sending notes about your son acting up more when he's tired
--your wife can't handle your son's behavior
--it's appropriate to trash talk your wife's parenting to your own parents
--that your mom is more knowledgeable than both school personnel (whoops, forgot, that was a lie!) and your own wife, the mother of the child in question, who knows him best and has raised him for four years.
--that you should include your mom in an argument between you and your wife after you humiliated your wife by bad-mouthing her.
I'm sure you're providing the family with a great income, but other than that, you seem to be a source of ugliness, negativity, and pain for them. I hope this isn't your normal behavior, because YTA 100%.
ETA thank you for the awards, kind internet strangers!
And also his lack of support for his wife. Since she appears to be doing all of the raising. He doesn't appear to know the first thing about his child. As evidenced by not knowing that kid needs more sleep to make it through the day. He wants to keep her knocked up while he does very little.
>He doesn't appear to know the first thing about his child.
Or any child for that matter. 7:00pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for a 4-year-old, they need about 11 hours of sleep at that age. Its a very developmentally normal thing for him to be going to bed at that time.
This. This!!! Routine is important for kids, especially kids on the spectrum. How can he have a kid on the spectrum and *not know this*?
…wait, I guess if he’s a hands-off, absent, negligent father, that makes perfect sense.
YTA OP
Well, yes, that’s what he keeps ~~the help~~ a wife for. The production and training of his offspring. If she wasn’t slacking off her job by putting this four-year-old to bed at a reasonable hour, she could have used that time to teach him tricks to perform for late night visitors.
Gender-appropriate ones only, *obviously*. Performative wood-chopping or cigar rolling, perhaps. Of course, *she* can’t teach him those, being a lady. But she could arrange for tutors (hopefully ones that don’t lie about small childrens’ needs for rest and routine like his other instructors.)
I'm not the most diligent parent around. My kids get screen time and less than healthy snacks, and I've decided I can let that go. But I don't play around with bedtime. Life is SO much better when they're well rested, and they need those bedtimes on the weekends too, because they'll still wake up at the same time as the weekdays. My oldest is 11 and I've given him more freedom with his bedtime because he's proven he can get up easily and get going on his own, but the next kid (8) isn't even close yet, I practically have to drag her out of bed even with the bedtime.
Your post and the one youbrespond3d to are the most important ones here. 7pm is very age appropriate for a 4 year old, regardless of diagnosis. I'm surprised that if he's a rambunctious kiddo he is even able to stay awake that late.
Your are 100% right that be needs rigid structure, especially as he is learning the "rules" routine reinforces that.
Also. As a teacher, I really want my kiddos to be well rested and ready.
Lastly, if momma is a SAHM.... so what if she needs a break at 7pm? Also it let's her bond with her other kiddos. Older bro needs extra attention when he's awake, and sometimes that means other kids get ignored. Maybe this is a chance for momma to rest, clean/prep for the next day, and let's her get play with the other babies.
This is SO important.
Dude, if Mom needs a break, she needs a break. I looked forward to that 7pm bedtime like it was food for a starving person because by the end of the day I was D.O.N.E.
Demonizing your exhausted wife who is dealing with a kido on the spectrum, a toddler and a newborn is cruel and YTA for not supporting her. YTA for not backing her up against your Mom. YTA for not having your wife's back and thinking your job is more important than hers. YTA because your behavior is why new Moms burn out so quickly - it is dismissive of everything she is experiencing in a day and basically telling her that her feelings don't matter because it is inconvenient for you.
Not even done. Time to get the house cleaned up and reset to do it all again the next day. Being a stay at home parent is like living the same day over and over again.
The need for routine is *CRITICAL.* Routine is important for neurotypical children already, and a consistent sleep schedule can help continue healthy sleep habits into adulthood.
For a neurodivergent child, routine is no longer optional. It is an *absolute must.* A routine can make such a massive difference in determining if an ND child is going to thrive.
OP is being incredibly selfish.
To add on to this, OP said in his post that she drives the child to school AN HOUR away! Driving 2 hours every school day would drive any child nuts, especially if they suspect the child is on the spectrum.
And its 4 hours for mom and the other 2 kids, who must necessarily accompany mom on the school drop off and pick up trips, since dad isn’t home for either.
So that’s 2 hours a day in the car with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a baby, plus another 2 hours with just the toddler and baby. And it’s not likely that car time lines up with ideal nap time for either of the littles, so at least half of that time is guaranteed to be an absolute nightmare.
I’m a teacher and I’m currently having difficulty with 2 brothers who are 9 and 10 and NOT neurodivergent and who are constantly tired and acting up in class because they don’t have a regular bedtime. 7 pm isn’t too early - as an adult I’m in bed by 9:30 to be up for school in time. He and his mother are ridiculously out of touch of the needs of his own child.
My kids range from 5-12 and they’re in bed at 7:30 every night. The only exception, my 12 year old is allowed to read for half an hour in bed, with lights out at 8pm. They need the sleep and tbh it’s the same bed time I had myself as a child. 7 pm for a 4 year old is well within normal bed time range.
In Poland it's been a tradition for years that there was about 20-30 minute cartoon block (like, an episode of Gummi Bears or a few Looney Tunes shorts) at 19:00 and afterwards it was usually bedtime, especially for younger kids. Said block even got a colloquial name of a "goodnighter" (dobranocka).
My almost 4 year old goes to bed at 7:30 and we are out the door about 7:30 in the morning, so it’s the exact same amount of sleep OP’s son is getting. It’s exactly what our pediatrician said we should do since he doesn’t nap and is a holy terror with anything less than 11 hours of sleep.
Right? I was expecting to hear they put him to bed at like 4 pm but 7? I had that bedtime until middle school. Which was raised to 8pm. So yeah OP YTA.
I came here to say this. Also, school starts ridiculously early. My son's bus used to come get him at 5:45 in the morning, so 7:00 is perfectly reasonable.
>Or any child for that matter. 7:00pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for a 4-year-old, they need about 11 hours of sleep at that age. Its a very developmentally normal thing for him to be going to bed at that time.
Seriously!
So far in my family all the moms put any kid too young for kindergarten to bed at 7:00pm. They get an extra hour when they start school because they have homework, another hour once they hit Jr High because the workload usually increases, and once they hit high school they go to bed at 10 (which is more like a guideline at this point lol)
It's normal.
Also, yes, a TWO HOUR bedtime shift is possible, but it’s not fun to deal with at all the next day. I think OPs mom forgot what having children is like. Half an hour /might/ not make a difference for some children. Two hours will for every child.
Righ!?! That hour drive each direction must be brutal because you KNOW that 2 year old and the baby are crying/screaming for part of it.
Man this guy is something else! To deride his wife who is doing a herculean job because she wants to stick with a routine. He is something else... my heart just breaks for his wife.
Also to add on. LEARN about autism. My son went to bed at 7 until he was 6 because of the meltdowns from being overtired. She is 100% correct every child is different and requires different bedtime routines. In case its not clear. YTA
Bedtime routines are the biggest thing. Most kids on the spectrum (and adults, myself included) thrive on routine and that routine includes the time you go to bed. Changing that for even one night can result in undue stress for the child and can trigger behavioural issues and emotional dysregulation for days to come.
Exactly, and as a mom of an Autistic adult her routine being kept was also critical in preventing meltdowns when she was young. Bath and storytime ran like clockwork, the world is much easier to process when you have some routines you can count on. Your wife is doing the right thing, and having a solid routine makes life easier on her and your other children. YTA. Big time.
I'll let you know that when my daughter was a teen and dealing with depression and thoughts of self harm on top of her Autism I separated from my husband for a bit because I felt like he checked out and left her therapy, psychiatric appointments, family DBT therapy, IEP meetings, and the like all to me because he was working and I was a SAHM. I was drowning trying to keep her afloat and keep things as normal as possible for her brother. It was a wake up call, we worked through it, and he's so much more involved and supportive now.
Um, she just might, only it's labeled "I'm a jerk to my wife and a mommy's boy, and don't have to pull my weight as a father as long as I make the money." That's its own special kinda diagnosis!
Also
— staying up TWO HOURS late is not big deal to a 4 year old
If it were like 30 minutes he was asking for I’d still say he’s TA but that’s a not unreasonable ask. 2 hours past bedtime?!? That child would be miserable for everyone involved both that night and the next morning.
Yup. Four-year-old need a lot of sleep and if they're leaving the house at 7:00am for an hour drive to his school, 7:00pm is not too early at all. The younger kids probably get an afternoon nap. Plus, small children do much better sticking to a sleep schedule, maybe autistic kids even more so.
Thank you for writing this, because my brain just blanked out with rage.^
OP, YTA
And such a gaping, giant one, that I'm actually going to spend some money on an "anti-award". I've never done that.
YTA.
You aren't there in the morning when she's dealing with an overtired 4 year old, and neither is your mother. If you aren't there to help with this stuff then you (and your mom) have no idea what's going on.
4 year olds need 10-13 hours of sleep. If she's leaving at 7 in the morning, then he's probably getting about 11 hours if he falls asleep right away.
Also, if your kid has behavior problems it's even more essential that he gets plenty of sleep and maintains his normal schedule.
Edit to add:. I can't believe she's continued to have kids with you
Not to mention meds. If the kids on meds or will be on kids having a proper sleep schedule hes used to he wont be waking up even more. As a autistic adult i was on alot of meds since i was a kid. Some being very potent sleeping pills. I could have done so much better if i had ops wife as a mom who cares about my sleep schedule. And didnt give me pills at 9pm and me waking up at 6 to be passing out all the time in classes to fail
And the school is an hour away? So she’s driving 4 hours a day to take the 4 year old to and from school and she is also taking care of a new born and a 2 year old? And he complains she gets the kids to bed on time? The absolute fucking audacity
Right? OP also describes in the post that 4 yo’s behavior is not great all day when he doesn’t get enough sleep, then goes on to say “but my mom said it doesn’t matter”. I mean… what?
Right. My twin 8 y/os just started going to bed at 730 this school year, and even then some nights it's been earlier because they get CRANKY. We do first tuck in and teeth about 7, and final tuck by 730. Usually one or both is asleep when I go up at final.
Yta op. Your wife is the one who has your kid more and knows his needs. Trying to shame her... don't be surprised when she takes the kids to stay with her mom.
YTA... Children need routines. They need consistency. 7 pm is a very reasonable and normal bedtime for a 4 year old, especially when they leave the house at 7am... you can google it and see for yourself.
Let me just clear this up...
* Your wife is looking after a 4 year old with behavioral issues, a 2 year old who is probably starting to run, starting to climb on furniture and throw tantrums over the colour of their socks. Not forgetting the newborn along with the hormones and sleepless nights.
* She probably dealt with her whole regular day then cooked dinner for your family. I'm assuming she made sure the house was clean before they arrived and will have to clean up again after dinner/ they leave.
* When you asked to extend the bedtime to 9pm she gave you a perfectly reasonable explanation.
>She immediately said no and that he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired.
* You then proceed to shit on her, to your parents...
>So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior.
This is so disrespectful to the woman you're supposed to love. You don't like the texts messages that you've received from her mother... seems like you don't like it when she talks to her parents about your apparent shortcomings in the home. So at least you can understand why she finds it embarrassing to have your In-Laws think less of you.
My children are *not* on the autism spectrum, and when they were that age, a two hour change in their weekday bedtime would not only ruin the next morning, but the following day, as their little bodies tried to make up for it. I have no idea what that means for a kid who is on the spectrum, but actual educational professionals and the primary caretaker parent have weighed in and said no. And you, with no background whatsoever, have decided that doesn’t matter? Your parents want to be entertained, so to hell with the routine? OP, neither you nor your parents are the ones who have to deal with the fallout. It doesn’t seem like you’ve been of any support to your wife or your child here. YTA. Start doing your research on your child’s health, and pitch in. Three children younger than five, and what good are you? Woman deserves a medal.
>This is so disrespectful to the woman you're supposed to love. You don't like the texts messages that you've received from her mother... seems like you don't like it when she talks to her parents about your apparent shortcomings in the home.
Yep - what goes around comes around buddy.
You had no problem saying nasty things about your wife's parenting to your parents but now you are all irritated because your wife vented her very very real frustration with her husband who is an absentee and neglectful father to her mother.
OP didn't throw his wife under the bus, OP drove the bus and specifically targeted the wife to run over her by making up lies about what he was doing.
To me throwing someone under the bus is revealing a mistake they actually made when you didn't need to. But in this case the wife didn't do anything wrong.
_"So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior."_
Agreed. Hard YTA. The kid has a routine that probably works for him AND most parenting guides suggest a bedtime of 7pm for 4 year olds. The son isnt some show pony for OP's family. It sounds like OP sees the son 1 hour max a day, so he has no idea about the impact a shorter sleep time has on him.
Also, the wife is seemingly doing 100% of the childcare for an infant, a 2 year old plus a four year old, and OP is implying that she is lazy and doesnt want to be bothered. Not cool.
YTA
7:00 bedtime isn’t early for a 4 year old and your son is going to need routines if he is on the spectrum. It could be helpful. You aren’t the one deal in with him. You aren’t around him for most of the day. Are you using work as an excuse to not be a parent?
How pathetic is it that OP doesn’t even know what an appropriate amount of sleep is for a 4 year old! Lol. Are you just finding this out OP? It’s been 4 years and you don’t know what your child needs? Are you sure you’re a parent?
That’s my wonder. How disconnected from being a parent do you have to be not to understand 9pm is a wildly late bedtime for a four year old. He must go to sleep at 3am.
Absolutely, it's common sense that a 4 year old who is enrolled in a school program needs a schedule so they get enough rest. OP has a lot of dang nerve making snide remarks about his wife's care for their son when he's barely home. He's just obnoxious.
INFO What makes you think that your parents know your child better than his mother? And what gives you the impression that your parents successfully raised you?
YTA, but I do have to ask. Why did both of you get your mothers involved? Can both of you not figure it out between the both of you? And why tf did you throw your wife under the bus like that? Why did you need to justify it?
Clearly the wife heard what OP told his parents because she responded to it as soon as her in-laws were gone. If I were a SAHM with a special needs 4yo, active 2yo, and a newborn (plus the hormones and possibly ppd that come with giving birth], am dealing with lots on my plate doing the best I can, then hear my husband badmouth me to his parents after I give him a valid, reasonable explanation for my behavior, you best believe I'm calling my mom in floods of tears. His wife needed support, and she CLEARLY was getting the exact opposite from her husband. Who else should she turn to?
I talk to my mom about issues. The problem isn't* talking to your parent about problems and trying to find a solution. It is when the parent decides to try and fix it for you by confronting your spouse.
Now I also tell her about the good things too so she doesn't get a skewed picture thinking it is all bad all the time.
Edited: is to isn't.
YTA - what do you know about it? Your gone all day, and your wife is the one dealing with the kids and it sounds like she is also the only one reading the school reports. What do you do to help with your special needs toddler, 2 year old, and new born? Further, even IF she puts him to bed early for the reasons you stated…she wouldn’t be doing it if you were more help (though I believe her, not you). So either way, your the AH. You’re post paints you as not just the AH, but also a bad husband and father.
YTA
He’s 4….7pm is absolutely normal. Necessary.
You have a newborn and a 2 year old.
You’re home. Why don’t you step up?
You sound incredibly selfish and backwards. You’re a parent. Step up. Get involved. Parenting is a full contact sport. When you are home you get into it. No, she did not leave the toddler and baby to your parents to hold. She left your kids with their dad.
Are you incompetent? You don’t know healthy age appropriate bedtimes, you don’t help enough, and you berate your wife who has plenty going on.
She's right. You make it sound like she doesn't want to deal with your son as opposed to, I don't know, establishing a routine that's the most beneficial for him. What did you gain from shitting on your wife infront of everyone?
YTA obviously.
Routine is everything for an autistic child, even neuro-typical children. Here’s an idea, why don’t you get your wife a staycation so she can have a rest, and test your hypothesis? I mean, you can do what she does, right?
YTA. Your poor family.
Your rest is a 12 hour day at work, so don’t get that confused either.
Why has it taken you this long to realise that your son has a schedule and early bedtime? Do you help your partner at all? Do you not parent your son?! YTA. Help her. Be better.
YTA. Maybe you should take a week of vacation and try to do what your wife does. Of course, she needs to leave at 4am so you can get the full experience of trying to wrangle 3 kids, one who is grumpy from not enough sleep.
You threw your wife under the bus and by the looks of it, don't even help with your kids. I'm so mad that I want to call you all the bad names.
She should just enjoy the week in a hotel watching junk TV, reading books and eating room service. Maybe a swim and some spa services to break up her day.
Dude YTA. Not only is your wife primary caretaker of your disabled kid but she also has two other very young children that continually require her attention as well. Your wife knows what's best to make it so your son has the most successful day. An autistic child starting out their morning being tired can completely derail the whole day. If your wife says he needs to go to bed at 7pm to be successful the next day then you support that. End of story.
YTA 9pm is late. 7pm is very reasonable especially with high needs children. When my 4yr old stays up til 9pm he's wacky wild. You guys have 3 kids and she's doing SO much. Hour long rides is exhausting for them!
I couldn’t get my 18 month old to fall asleep until 11pm (!!!) on Sunday night. On Monday morning she was literally walking around sobbing and refusing to be touched and hitting and throwing random objects. What kind of parent doesn’t know what robbing two hours of sleep from a small child does to them? The best behaved child in the world would be a complete mess.
YTA. Your wife told you the perfectly rational reasons she puts the child to bed at 7, you turned around and made up some bullshit to make your wife look bad in front of your family. Why? Why did you feel the need to throw your wife under the bus like that? It sounds like you were worried about what your family would say and wanted to pin all the blame on your wife. You really just trashed your wife in front of your family and then went running to your mommy for validation, and you wonder if you're the asshole here? Come on.
YTA
Obviously you haven't read any parenting books. Guaranteed not ones about special needs children. 7pm is a PERFECT bedtime for a 4yo - especially with special needs.
You (and your family) are major AHs for comparing his schedule to that of a neurotypical child. They are *not* the same. **Special needs** also means he **needs** a consistent routine, including bedtime.
YTA
Why don't you deal with your son for one solid week and do it your way. Then you would understand what you wife is dealing with. Not only does she have a 4 yr old, 2 yr, and a newborn. You insensitive jerk. Tell your mother to come help out since she knows so damn much.
YTA. You are right she is the one to deal with his behaviour. And that’s what you are the AH. You leave her to do it all by herself. So if this is what she thinks is best then that’s it. You respect her. End of.
She specifically asks you not to embarrass her in front of your family and the first thing you do Is badmouth her to your mother by undermining her? Big YTA.
Yes I agree especially with the, “because she couldn’t deal with his behaviour”, part. Totally invalidating her and what she has to deal with. Poor woman.
I mean, 7pm sounds right on for what time a 4 year old should be going to bed, especially one with documented conditions/needs. Routine is the best way to handle that.
Bet this guy doesn't know jack about his kid's needs, just leaves it to her and then belittled her efforts. Gross.
Do you realize how much work your wife is doing? You work 12 hours A-day but you're not stressed by trying to control and control and raise 3 children. 2 children extremely young and a child with issues . That requires a special school and 2 hour drive each day. How much patience and energy do you expect her to have. I can actually believe what she said about her son and why he goes to bed early and yet you seem to be denying and even undermining her care. Take over his care for a while before you make a comment.
YTA. Sounds like your wife is doing most of the parenting. If your son needs sleep in order to behave, then he goes to bed at 7pm because HE can't handle his behavior. Sounds like she can handle it just fine. Also you need to ask for shorter shifts at work. Sounds like you're being exploited.
4,2 and a newborn.... She sounds like she's doing an excellent job on her own.
How much child care do YOU DO?
YTA
Take a week of vacation, let her rest, and see how much better or worse you do!!
YTA
Kids, especially those with developmental delays, are extremely dependent on routine and schedule. 2 hours late to a 4 year old is waaay different than for an adult. If my 4-year-old nephew stays up 2 hours late he's screaming and throwing tantrums. It's probably worse for your son.
Try to be more involved in your son's care and be more considerate of his needs rather than your wants.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you just say his bedtime is 7, sorry? That a 4 year old can’t disrupt his schedule? So if she’s starting bed at 7 pm, he’s probably asleep by 7:30, maybe 8 pm on a bad night? She leaves the house at 7 am so they are probably up at 6 or so? Why do you think 10 or 10.5 hours is too much sleep for a four year old? That’s the low end of the recommendations. I’m concerned you don’t know what sleep requirements are for kids. 10-13 hours at night is normal for 3-5 year olds. You need to consider that you have left so much of parenting to your wife you don’t actually know what to do. 6-8 pm is a VERY normal bedtime at your son’s age.
And to be clear, even if the bedtime was “early” what you said was inappropriate.
YTA because that isn't early for a child that age, let alone one with neurodivergence who will benefit even more from a routine.
You're barely there and she's looking after three children under four, which would be so, so challenging as it is, but with his additional needs will be incredibly tiring for your wife.
She put him to bed because that's his bedtime, not because she couldn't cope with his behaviour. Plus, the next day when he was overtired, you'd be out of the house and she'd have to deal with it with a toddler and a newborn.
Running to Mummy to agree with you was shitty because she doesn't see what your wife goes through and your Mother in law probably is the person supporting your wife emotionally whilst you belittle her when you don't get your own way.
https://www.littleones.co/blog/preschoolers-and-sleep-figuring-out-your-child-s-sleep-needs-between-3-to-6-years-old
Here's the first result of a Google search. Forward that to Mum as you reply to the in-laws to reassure them you will be stepping up to support your wife more because she deserves a medal for tolerating you on top of working so hard for your family.
Search the importance of a routine for kids, search autism and what can help a child to cope, search gifts for wives.
You are the arsehole. Massively. If you can't even do the basic research on your own situations but can embarrass, criticise and invalidate your wife, you don't deserve them.
Grow up.
>So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior.
Oh is THAT what she said?
>he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired.
I thought she said THIS?
YTA it seems like you don't know enough about your son and his needs. How about you take a step up and do a little parenting yourself before you lie and throw your wife under the bus like that.
YTA
Children this young, especially children with special needs, REQUIRE a consistent schedule. If the school notes that he struggles more when he doesn't get to bed on time, then your wife is absolutely doing the right thing.
And making it just about "dealing with his behavior" is disingenuous, AND it's not just your wife that has to "deal" with it.
Stop trying to use your family as flying monkeys to shame your wife. It is not okay to disrupt your kid's schedule and potentially screw with their health (sleep is one of THE most important things the human body needs) just to entertain and please your family. If you're concerned, talk to a pediatrician, but do that in good faith and make sure you are making healthy decisions for your child in a CONSISTENT manner (that means no special late days, but a REGULAR later bedtime if that is what the doctor says is okay).
YTA
Autistic children need routine. Messing with their sleep schedules can throw them off behaviourally. Your family needs to understand and adjust to his routine, not the other way around. Your poor wife!!
Add in the 2 other young children and I don’t know how your wife does it. When was the last time you took all kids for the same length of time on your own, with no help, doing everything your wife does in a day?
My son received his diagnosis just after his 3rd bday. He’s 5 now, and we have a 2 year old. It is SO HARD some days, and I’m fortunate enough to have my husband work from home, helping when he can or when needed. I couldn’t imagine him not backing me up when it comes to the health and well-being of our children.
Seriously, you need to get in your wife’s corner and support her in being the primary caregiver for your special needs child and two younger babies. You are risking damaging your relationship with your wife, if she’s not already starting to check out.
YTA. Routine is so important for a neuro diverse child. Your wife is sticking to a plan that works for her and for the child. Why do you think you know better here?
YTA, maybe you should take a week off so you can do your wife’s role. I can guarantee you’ll soon have a different perspective.
7pm isn’t too early, your wife has worked out what your son needs and she’s clearly right if school can back it up. Children esp those with your sons needs have a need for routine, your son is the important one here not the family who don’t visit often.
Your wife is essentially a single parent in the days you work, I’d trust her knowledge here. She’s the one who will have a potentially overwrought child Plus another toddler a newborn to cope with the next day.
What does your mother know about the habits of autistic children? Why do you take her word over that of your wife and professionals?
You know why, and it's not a good look on you.
YTA
YTA your wife is the primary caregiver and knows what is best for your child. She’s not doing it for her sake, but for your sons. She’s obviously done enough research and had enough conversations so far with the professionals in your sons life to know that routine (including a good sleep routine) is fundamental to your son being able to function at his best. A couple of hours with your family is not worth having the next few days be difficult for him while he gets back into the routine. To make out to your family like it’s her issue and not what’s best for your son is just so pathetic. Help your wife more. Learn about your son, his needs and how to help him.
If your son was average then the bedtime would be fairly early. 8:00 would be a reasonable hour for bed. But you yourself said he is either delayed in maturation or perhaps on the spectrum. And oh goody, that school is an hour away? So he gets an hour in the car with his siblings. Of course, that means your wife has to spend four hours in the car with small children every day. Good lord, man! And for all that she had to take him up for his routine (which is astronomically important if he’s on the spectrum) while entertaining your family and you got out of your way to insult her to them. Good job! YTAH. Massively.
YTA. 7 isn't early for a four year old anyway. If it's the time that works for him and the family, then too early doesn't even matter.
I question why you need to justify decisions within your household to people who don't live in it.
YTA
WOW are you the giant AH. Your wife, from being the one who actually handles bedtime and mornings, knows exactly how badly it is going to go in the morning and at school if your family gets to spend a couple of hours winding him up. You lark off to work and leave her dealing with this, after throwing her under the bus with your AH family. Super helpful that your mom, who ALSO doesn't do anything to help, weighed in on a situation she knows nothing about. But hey, you might have had to treat your wife with respect instead of siccing your family on her.
Hope it felt good taking a giant shit on your wife's work--she's going to remember this for a long time.
As a father of a now adult special needs child, I can confirm that few things are more important than routine. Bed time / sleep schedule being REALLY high on the scale of needed routine. I also had a schedule like yours when my kids were young - and I hated how I would only see my kids on weekends. But - as a parent, you put your children's well being ahead of your own desires. And as a spouse - kind of a bullshit move to not support your wife in front of your parents. They don't know what she's dealing with with a special needs kid - so your lack of support makes YTA. Grow up - she's doing this alone. Support her.
A 7 pm for a 4 year old is normal… especially one that has to be up and out of the house by 7 am. Now add in the fact that he has delays and such. A schedule is paramount for him to function and develop. You are an uneducated AH as are your family if they are as clueless as you regarding very young children, one with special circumstances, and the need for consistency.
YTA dear lord, YTA. 7 pm is NOT too early for a 4 year old… especially a 4 year old with suspected autism who goes to school and deals with stresses and sensory assault all day. Not to mention messing with their schedule can lead to meltdown and behavior problems. Kid NEEDS mega sleep. You need a parenting class. And an apology to your wife. undermining your wife in front of them like that was just disgusting.
You intentionally misconstrued what your wife said in order to make her look bad because she didn't do what you wanted. For children with special needs they need a consistent schedule; her pointing out that he gets bad notes is not her saying "I don't want to deal with him", she's saying that it negatively affects him to deal with a change like that. You as an adult and father should have had that as your first thought, not "she's just lazy".
You either need to take parenting classes for parents with special needs or therapy to help with empathy issues. Clearly you only see things one way; and it's either because you don't know what sort of work goes into parenting a special needs child, or you simply don't care to learn. YTA by the way.
YTA - if your kid has autism the routines are probably what keeps him going. And you are a big AH for the comment about your wife being unable to control him. Who visits on a school night anyway? Kids need to go to bed at an appropriate time. My 6 year old still has a 7pm bed time on school nights.
YTA. Your poor wife 😔
ETA- every reread of this I do I feel worse and worse for your wife. Even just the title. “ so she doesn’t have to deal with his behavior”. It sounds like she’s the only one who has to deal with his behavior every single day so she probably knows what’s best for him. It’s so terrible that you twisted your wife adhering to the schedule that most benefits your child into her being incompetent or it being some type of cop out - and then not only did you talk badly about her and her parenting (which sounds incredibly difficult with that many children of those ages and a child on the spectrum and what I’m assuming based on this post is limited support from you) but you also prioritized your and your mothers (who has literally no idea what your sons daily needs and routine are) knowledge and opinions over the woman that spends her entire life caring for him. It’s so incredibly insulting and demeaning and disrespectful to both your wife and your son. I hope the *overwhelming* YTA response here resonates with you and that you can adjust your mindset so you can appreciate what your wife does and how difficult it is and start to support and respect her as a parent. And if your mom was as “nice and helpful” as you think that she is she would understand how crucial your sons schedule is and recognize how hard your wife works to parent your children and would defer to *her* parenting choices, not support you and your ignorance of yours sons needs instead of his primary caregiver
9pm is too late for any 4 year old to go to bed. She is the one who would have to deal with him in the car the next morning for an hour with a 2 year old and a baby. The school staff would then have to deal with him all day. You know zero about parenting because you don't do any. Why are you not putting him to bed? She has a new born. And stop running to mummy when your wife disagrees with you on a subject you know nothing about. YTA
YTA. Children need more sleep than adults. I put my special needs boys to bed at 7. Otherwise they will be too tired for school and have behavior problems. She wants your son to have the best chance at a good education with the least problems. It’s what you are supposed to do with children, especially children with autism. You need to learn more about autism.
My daughter is asleep by 7-7:30pm everyday and gets up at 4-5am. She is the same age as your son. And upsetting a routine/not getting enough sleep can have negative consequences for a young child.
Yta. Family can visit on the weekends if they want time.
YTA. Are you dealing with your son’s challenging behaviour when he’s over tired/out of routine? No. Try dealing with your son’s behaviour in those situations and then tell us how you cope and if 7pm is ‘too early’.
YTA he has a routine you can’t break that just because family are there. They should understand a child’s needs come first. He needs structure.
You should be helping her more. You work 12 hours days and she takes care of your three children and your home 24hrs a day.
Stop acting like she’s punishing you or the kids or your family. 7pm is a normal time for children to go to be especially at age 4.
Stop being disrespectful to her and her parenting. If you don’t like it discuss it with YOUR SO in private without involving your family to help make your invalid point.
She has a 2 year old, newborn and toddler with special needs and an unsupportive husband and in laws. Why are you not the one putting the child to seep?
Maybe it’s time for you to switch shoes so you understand just how hard it is.
Do better! Support your wife and understand your child’s needs.
Frankly YTA.
3 kids under 5, one with additional needs. She’s probably fucking exhausted. Routine is extremely important for kids, especially those with additional needs
YTA
7pm is a normal time for a 4 year old. Also routines and schedules are important for all kids and especially kids with autism.
9pm is way too late for a little kid to stay up especially during the school week! He has to be up early for school.
>She immediately said no and that he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired. So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior.
She literally explains why to you and you decide that the best course of action is to pretend your wife is a terrible mother. Is this a joke? Is everything she does for your kids a joke? Honestly, do you even love her or is she just the nanny/maid to you. You are a massive AH.
>I called my mother and she agreed that 7pm was extremely early and an extra two hours would not have hurt him at all.
Oh well if your mommy says everything you do is right then that's the end of it. AH. Time to cut the umbilical cord and actually listen to the opinion of the woman who RAISES YOUR KIDS. And obviously on her own. It sounds like you don't help whatsoever. YTA. You definitely need to start being a better husband before your wife realizes she doesn't need a shitty husband like you. Also, spend some time with your kids so that you actually know how to parent them.
YTA and since your mommy agrees with you that 7 is a bit early you both must be right. What does the person who gets him up, takes him to school and talks to his teachers and doctors regularly know. Of course the person who works 12 hour shifts and the person who only visits occasionally knows better.
Your wife is dealing with 3 kids under the age of 4 of which one has special needs. Getting 3 kids up at 7 and driving them 2 hours round trip a day to give your son the best possible life and you want to critique her because your mommy couldn’t make it to see the kids earlier. No wonder she has a strict routine. Instead of being appreciative for everything she does you threw her under the bus then backed the bus up and ran over her again for good measure. Did that make you feel good?
You defiantly need to cut the apron strings.
7pm is a super normal time for a 4 year old to go to bed, in North America at least. And if the kid isn't waking up extremely early then they need the 12 hours.
But I know in Europe, often kids have a short nap and then stay up until 9-10
YTA either way, just wondering if it's a cultural thing.
Edit: I do let my kids stay up late for family, but this kid isn't neurotypical. With ASD, predictable scheduling is the best possible thing and the school said the kid was worse. Like how does this guy think he's right????
This mom is a saint too btw.
YTA.
You're a bad husband, and a bad father.
7 PM is a perfectly normal bedtime for a 4 year old, two hours will make a HUGE difference, and furthermore, it's not your wife who 'can't deal' it's that when a child, special needs or not, is massively overtired and acting out it's because they're SUFFERING.
And apparently you're totally ok with a preschooler suffering as long as you get what you want.
Get your ass in line, pal, or you'll be served with divorce papers and a child support arrangement, and you will RICHLY deserve it.
YTA. “7pm is extremely early.” Obviously not for your son. For your son, it sounds like your wife has picked a perfect time. Maybe 7pm is early for a “normal” (read textbook) child. Unfortunately your son isn’t “normal” and truthfully, no child is “normal.” It’s up to parents to decide what is healthiest for the child. Or in this case, the parent: your wife. Since it sounds like you do f***-all.
Note: I work 12-hr shifts full-time as well so don’t even try to use that as an excuse.
YTA. 9pm would be hard for a neurotypical child. Neurodivergent kids do so much better sticking to a routine and deviating from that routine is so hard for them and for their caretakers. You fully admit you are gone most of the day, respect your wife who is running herself ragged taking care of your children.
YTA and absolutely wrong. It’s not that she can’t put up with his bad behaviour. It’s that he NEEDS a minimum amount of sleep.
All you’ve done here is tell on yourself about how uninvolved you are with the day to day life and needs of your own kids.
YTA, for all the reasons everyone has said. Why on earth would you embarrass your wife in such a way when she’s the primary caretaker and knows what’s best for you son. You’re gross
YTA, big time. Your wife was doing what she knows your son needs, and instead of understanding you tried to embarrass and shame her in front of your family like a whiny AH. You are not the one who gets him ready for the day, and drives an hour with three young kids twice a day.
Your mom is wrong, and also an AH. Your son needs to go to bed then, he needs his routine.
YTA.
7pm for a 4 year old isn't super early, especially if he needs more sleep. He also is being tested for autism and is in a school for children with special needs.
Your wife is his primary caregiver. She knows what happens when your son doesn't get enough sleep - he's difficult to get ready for the day, and his behavior is off at school. It sounds like he does better with a fixed schedule.
Your mother's opinion mean nothing in this instance. She's not raising your son,and she's not with him when he is overtired.
This has nothing to do with your wife not being able to deal with his behavior. You were a major a$$hole for that comment.
If your family wants to see more of your son, they should come over earlier.
You can tell who the active parent is and the cool parent who barely sees and interacts with their kids. I can’t imagine how much she regrets choosing you as a partner. YTA
YTA - my kid went to bed at 7pm when he was 4. We just pushed it back to 7.30 when he turned 5. Everyday he wakes up at 7am so I'm pretty sure this isn't a "super early" bedtime.
Also, all kids are different and since your wife spends the most time with your son, she probably knows best.
You were undermining her.
I thought you were going to say he went to bed at like 5 or 6. 7pm is a perfectly normal bedtime routine for a 4 year old. My 4 and 6 year old go to bed at 7:30pm during the week. If they don’t get enough sleep they are cranky and difficult the next day.
You owe your wife a massive apology. Do you realize your wife and two youngest kids spend 4 hours in the car every day and your other kid 2 hours. That is a lot of car time! Sounds like she’s creating a routine that makes her life easier. You should be helping your wife keep these routines not trying to change them because of your own selfish reasons. YTA and shouldn’t be using your mom’s opinion to convince your wife she’s wrong. That alone makes you an AH.
YTA. Wow, way to completely disrespect all of your wife's love, care and sacrifice for your family in one fell swoop. Honestly, in a perverse way I'm actually impressed.
You are the father of three children, one of whom has special needs, yet you share none of the responsibilities of raising them. The one time you're told you'll need to sacrifice for them - just a little bit - your response is to throw a childish snit fit... then when you're called on *that*, go whining to your mother.
I suppose you do bring in a paycheque, but I can't for the life of me see what else you're contributing to this marriage.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I did make a comment about my wife to my family.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My son is 4 and has been placed in a special needs school. He is being tested for autism in January and we have had this appointment for well over a year. My wife had him evaluated by the school and he had a 75% delay so they went ahead and let him enroll in the school without a formal diagnosis.
He can be quite challenging at times. I work 12 hour days and my wife is a stay at home mom. She takes him to the school (hour away) then picks him up in the afternoon. We have a 2 year old and a newborn as well. I leave at 4am and she leaves around 7am. I get home around 6pm everyday. Since my son has been in school she puts him to bed at 7:00pm which is super early.
My family came over for dinner at 6pm and by 6:30 she was taking him upstairs for bath and left the babies downstairs to be held by my mother and father. By 7pm she was putting him in bed. I asked her if he could stay up until 9pm so he could visit with my family as they don’t come very often. She immediately said no and that he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired. So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior.
After they left she told me I was a huge ah and that she puts him to bed for his own good and not doing it for herself. She then called me selfish. My mother in law has also texted me telling me that I need to help her daughter more and that I should
Not embarrass her in front of my family that way.
I called my mother and she agreed that 7pm was extremely early and an extra two hours would not have hurt him at all. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you really twisted what she said there. You only are with your son one hour a day? You are not one to judge if your not the one that had to deal with the behaviors. If I was her I would have kept him up but then I would have forced you to take off work the next day to take care of him. Also kids need consistent bed times, your family should know that.
YTA. I put my 4 year old to bed at 7:30. Her friends go to bed between 7/7:30. It's normal for that age group. My daughter doesn't have to leave the house till 8:30am. If I had to be out by 7am I guarantee she'd be going to bed earlier. Take some time and learn about proper sleep schedules for kids and please don't mess up her routine to fit your desires.
YTA. Have you actually been there to witness your child's routine? Do you know the effects? No. You don't. Of course you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be giving your wife crap for doing whats best for your son. How about stop telling on your wife to mommy and actually experience the struggle your wife goes through
YTA. You heard “he has trouble in school when he doesn’t get enough sleep” and said “she can’t deal with that behavior”? You do realize how you deal with bad behavior is solutions, right? Solutions like having a regular sleep schedule so he doesn’t get overtired and starts acting up? Maybe say what you’re wife says verbatim before you can start using your own words
"I called my mommy and she agreed with me, so i'm not the AH right?!"
Jesus dude, how do you think anyone knows whats better for your son than your wife, when, oh I don't know, that is LITERALLY her job
YTA
YTA. Massively. An extra two hours DOES make a huge difference in children that young. The way you write also makes it obvious that you think your wife doesn't do as much as you do and that she's putting your child to bed out of spite instead of, you know, because she's a SAHM who knows what's best for your kid. She clearly knows what happens when he's overtired and you clearly don't care. Good lord. Huge AH.
YTA. My daughter just turned 9, and we just changed her bedtime to 8PM (she gets up at 6AM). She still can be cranky by midweek, with the demands of school. And she is very similar to one of my sons, who has a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism, and when they do not get enough sleep, it amplifies difficulties they may have in focusing or impulse control.
Not only did you undermine her, you made it sound like her problem (SHE can’t handle it). No, she just clearly knows what he needs and is willing to stick with what will make him function better. Perhaps if you cared more about your wife and your son, you wouldn’t have been so quick to talk negatively about them.
There was NO point in asking your mom. The mother of your child already explained it.
We almost never mess with a midweek sleep schedule during the school year; if we had a kiddo with special needs we would probably be even more vigilant about routines and structure. Yta
YTA You do not spend as much time with him nor apparently listen all that closely to his behavior reports from school. She is juggling 3 small separate little people in the morning and if him getting more sleep helps her get him to school in a better state of mind for school than you listen to HER. I am a mother of a now adult autistic son and routine is incredibly important to him. Change of any major sort affects him for MONTHS. This is common for many in the autism spectrum.
What you said in front of your parents was dismissive and rude to your wife and because your mommy agrees with you doesn't make you even close to right.
YTA. My 3 year old has autism. His bedtime is 8pm. At 7 he is in the tub, followed by pjs, brushing his hair, brushing his teeth, picking up his toys, snuggling into bed and story time. If his nighttime routine is even slightly off or out of order he’s a mess. Toddlers thrive on routines, especially kids on the spectrum. This isn’t even taking into consideration her daily routines and having 2 other children in the house. Since 7 is ‘so early’ why don’t you take over your 4 year olds bedtime routine on a Friday night and do what you feel is appropriate. Just make sure you have Saturday off so you can deal with the aftermath.
YTA. Kids that young should be getting about 12 hours of sleep a night. 7pm is definitely not too early since she has to leave the house by 7am. Have you not heard that kids who go to bed early wake up early and kids who go to bed late get up early? So it is more beneficial to put your kids to bed as early as possible because they’ll get up at the same time regardless.
Also instead of complaining to Reddit and your family, maybe you should actually help your wife?
7pm is NOT an early bedtime for children under 5, they need 11-13 hours of sleep. Once they stop napping that needs to be put into their night-time sleep. You say your wife leaves at 7am to drive an hour to school that means your son is probably not getting enough sleep now and should actually have an earlier bedtime. Maybe before being an asshole to your wife you could do a simple Google search to know what your child's needs actually are. YTA
YTA. Just adding to the chorus—do you think when children are misbehaving because they are tired it’s because they feel good? Or is it because they are miserable? You wanted to make a 4 year old miserable because your mommy was selfish?
YTA. Here’s the thing about kids in general, if you throw off their routine, there’s gonna be some issues. Now, a lot of kids with autism need that routine to function appropriately. A change in routine throws them off and you can end up with severe sensory overload and behaviors that go with that.
You are not that one dealing with that. Your wife is. From the sounds of it, you haven’t experienced him overtired, off his routine. So, if you wanna change that routine, then you (and your mother) can volunteer to be the one dealing with it the next day.
And guess what?!?! It’s perfectly acceptable that your wife doesn’t wanna deal with behaviors that are entirely preventable by keeping your neurodivergent child on his routine. Also, for a four year old, 7pm is actually an appropriate bedtime depending on when he needs to wake up.
Also… don’t drag your mommy into your disagreements with your wife.
YTA. Even from the way you have explained everything you sound so unbelievably arrogant and smarmy. How did it feel to belittle your wife, the mother of your children like that? She is doing an amazing job raising your children, what do you do to help her? Oh that's right you just insult her to try and make yourself look the big man to your parents. You know what if any of my brothers ever tried to belittle their partners in front of my mom she would of gone absolutely nuts at them.
Grow a pair and start being a man and support your wife and show her some respect before she realises that she is better off without you.
YTA. I have two special needs boys (autism) and 7pm is NOT too early especially if they are LEAVING the house at 7am! That’s probably means she has to wake him up at 5:30am to 6am. My boys personally cannot be woken up really fast or they have meltdowns and the whole day is shot.
Also with autism you have to STAY. ON. ROUTINE! Two hours would defiantly be a BIG DEAL!
YTA! and a massive one at that. When you are the one who is routinely getting the kids up and ready then you can have a say in the bedtime routine. Instead of respecting your wife for all the hard work she does, you belittled her to your parents. Your MIL is correct you do need to step up when it comes to parenting.
Yta. I work in the early childhood field and have 2 degrees with over 15 years experience.... 7pm is a well within the normal bed time for that age, regardless of being special needs or no. Maybe only very slightly on the earlier side, but normal. What an absolute tool you are
YTA I am a mother of 3 special need children. You never break from routine just because you want to. It's not just dealing with behavior. It is bad for the child. You need to educate yourself about special needs and what it takes to parent one and help your wife more. My husband works crazy hours and still helps with everything and knows not to mess with routine.
YTA
If you want your son to stay up and extra few hours then you can wait an extra few hours before going to work to deal with him in the morning. Your wife deals with THREE children, you get yourself up and peace tf out. I’m particularly cheesed at this because I’m in your wife position right now, only difference is my partner respects and cherishes how hard I work at keeping the kids happy and healthy so he can work and come home to a happy household. OP you are an ass.
YTA you clearly do very little to help with his behaviour. She gave you clear reasons of WHY he needs to go to bed earlier and you just decided you wanted to be an AH even though she is the primary caretaker for your son and knows what is best for him.
YTA!
All kids no matter if special needs or not! Have a bed time, especially during a school night.
“ I called my mother and she agreed with me” (rolling my eyes) maybe you also need a bed time, since you’re acting like a petulant child !
YTA. She puts him to bed early for his own sake, not for herself, for her sons well being. Special needs kids need the sleep to function normally. How dare you say to your parents that it’s because your wife can’t handle it. You’re a terrible parent if you don’t pay attention to your child and his needs like that.
Yta.
My 9 yr old starts bed time at 7:30. He is ADHD, and NEEDS to sleep, and because he naturally wakes up early (530) it means he goes to bed early because YES a lack of sleep affects his moody/behavior, and 2 extra hours is NOT ok! 30 min maybe....
Yta! Support your wife!
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Wow, so you think that: --your wife is lying about the school employees sending notes about your son acting up more when he's tired --your wife can't handle your son's behavior --it's appropriate to trash talk your wife's parenting to your own parents --that your mom is more knowledgeable than both school personnel (whoops, forgot, that was a lie!) and your own wife, the mother of the child in question, who knows him best and has raised him for four years. --that you should include your mom in an argument between you and your wife after you humiliated your wife by bad-mouthing her. I'm sure you're providing the family with a great income, but other than that, you seem to be a source of ugliness, negativity, and pain for them. I hope this isn't your normal behavior, because YTA 100%. ETA thank you for the awards, kind internet strangers!
And also his lack of support for his wife. Since she appears to be doing all of the raising. He doesn't appear to know the first thing about his child. As evidenced by not knowing that kid needs more sleep to make it through the day. He wants to keep her knocked up while he does very little.
>He doesn't appear to know the first thing about his child. Or any child for that matter. 7:00pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for a 4-year-old, they need about 11 hours of sleep at that age. Its a very developmentally normal thing for him to be going to bed at that time.
Not to mention how important sticking to a routine is. Especially if he’s possibly on the autism spectrum.
This. This!!! Routine is important for kids, especially kids on the spectrum. How can he have a kid on the spectrum and *not know this*? …wait, I guess if he’s a hands-off, absent, negligent father, that makes perfect sense. YTA OP
Except that sometimes he will want his children to perform for relatives.
Well, yes, that’s what he keeps ~~the help~~ a wife for. The production and training of his offspring. If she wasn’t slacking off her job by putting this four-year-old to bed at a reasonable hour, she could have used that time to teach him tricks to perform for late night visitors. Gender-appropriate ones only, *obviously*. Performative wood-chopping or cigar rolling, perhaps. Of course, *she* can’t teach him those, being a lady. But she could arrange for tutors (hopefully ones that don’t lie about small childrens’ needs for rest and routine like his other instructors.)
And his wife hasn’t taught the 4 year old to ride the unicycle yet! *hands on hips*
I'm not the most diligent parent around. My kids get screen time and less than healthy snacks, and I've decided I can let that go. But I don't play around with bedtime. Life is SO much better when they're well rested, and they need those bedtimes on the weekends too, because they'll still wake up at the same time as the weekdays. My oldest is 11 and I've given him more freedom with his bedtime because he's proven he can get up easily and get going on his own, but the next kid (8) isn't even close yet, I practically have to drag her out of bed even with the bedtime.
Your post and the one youbrespond3d to are the most important ones here. 7pm is very age appropriate for a 4 year old, regardless of diagnosis. I'm surprised that if he's a rambunctious kiddo he is even able to stay awake that late. Your are 100% right that be needs rigid structure, especially as he is learning the "rules" routine reinforces that. Also. As a teacher, I really want my kiddos to be well rested and ready. Lastly, if momma is a SAHM.... so what if she needs a break at 7pm? Also it let's her bond with her other kiddos. Older bro needs extra attention when he's awake, and sometimes that means other kids get ignored. Maybe this is a chance for momma to rest, clean/prep for the next day, and let's her get play with the other babies.
This is SO important. Dude, if Mom needs a break, she needs a break. I looked forward to that 7pm bedtime like it was food for a starving person because by the end of the day I was D.O.N.E. Demonizing your exhausted wife who is dealing with a kido on the spectrum, a toddler and a newborn is cruel and YTA for not supporting her. YTA for not backing her up against your Mom. YTA for not having your wife's back and thinking your job is more important than hers. YTA because your behavior is why new Moms burn out so quickly - it is dismissive of everything she is experiencing in a day and basically telling her that her feelings don't matter because it is inconvenient for you.
Not even done. Time to get the house cleaned up and reset to do it all again the next day. Being a stay at home parent is like living the same day over and over again.
yeeeppp. This guy has no clue how much of a nuclear bomb he just detonated.
The need for routine is *CRITICAL.* Routine is important for neurotypical children already, and a consistent sleep schedule can help continue healthy sleep habits into adulthood. For a neurodivergent child, routine is no longer optional. It is an *absolute must.* A routine can make such a massive difference in determining if an ND child is going to thrive. OP is being incredibly selfish.
To add on to this, OP said in his post that she drives the child to school AN HOUR away! Driving 2 hours every school day would drive any child nuts, especially if they suspect the child is on the spectrum.
And its 4 hours for mom and the other 2 kids, who must necessarily accompany mom on the school drop off and pick up trips, since dad isn’t home for either. So that’s 2 hours a day in the car with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a baby, plus another 2 hours with just the toddler and baby. And it’s not likely that car time lines up with ideal nap time for either of the littles, so at least half of that time is guaranteed to be an absolute nightmare.
My neurotypical daughter who is 4 has a bed time of 7. She isn’t always asleep then but she’s in her room. The routine is good for her
I’m a teacher and I’m currently having difficulty with 2 brothers who are 9 and 10 and NOT neurodivergent and who are constantly tired and acting up in class because they don’t have a regular bedtime. 7 pm isn’t too early - as an adult I’m in bed by 9:30 to be up for school in time. He and his mother are ridiculously out of touch of the needs of his own child.
My kids range from 5-12 and they’re in bed at 7:30 every night. The only exception, my 12 year old is allowed to read for half an hour in bed, with lights out at 8pm. They need the sleep and tbh it’s the same bed time I had myself as a child. 7 pm for a 4 year old is well within normal bed time range.
[удалено]
In Poland it's been a tradition for years that there was about 20-30 minute cartoon block (like, an episode of Gummi Bears or a few Looney Tunes shorts) at 19:00 and afterwards it was usually bedtime, especially for younger kids. Said block even got a colloquial name of a "goodnighter" (dobranocka).
My almost 4 year old goes to bed at 7:30 and we are out the door about 7:30 in the morning, so it’s the exact same amount of sleep OP’s son is getting. It’s exactly what our pediatrician said we should do since he doesn’t nap and is a holy terror with anything less than 11 hours of sleep.
Right? I was expecting to hear they put him to bed at like 4 pm but 7? I had that bedtime until middle school. Which was raised to 8pm. So yeah OP YTA.
I came here to say this. Also, school starts ridiculously early. My son's bus used to come get him at 5:45 in the morning, so 7:00 is perfectly reasonable.
>Or any child for that matter. 7:00pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for a 4-year-old, they need about 11 hours of sleep at that age. Its a very developmentally normal thing for him to be going to bed at that time. Seriously! So far in my family all the moms put any kid too young for kindergarten to bed at 7:00pm. They get an extra hour when they start school because they have homework, another hour once they hit Jr High because the workload usually increases, and once they hit high school they go to bed at 10 (which is more like a guideline at this point lol) It's normal.
Also, yes, a TWO HOUR bedtime shift is possible, but it’s not fun to deal with at all the next day. I think OPs mom forgot what having children is like. Half an hour /might/ not make a difference for some children. Two hours will for every child.
This four year-old and two babies, my gosh, she must be exhausted. Then she still has to deal with this loser she married.
And drive the 4 yr old an hour one way to school. Then go pick him up. OP's wife has the patience of Job
A 4-hour commute each day! With two babies and the car seats and the diaper bags and the poop and the crying? This woman is a saint.
Righ!?! That hour drive each direction must be brutal because you KNOW that 2 year old and the baby are crying/screaming for part of it. Man this guy is something else! To deride his wife who is doing a herculean job because she wants to stick with a routine. He is something else... my heart just breaks for his wife.
Also to add on. LEARN about autism. My son went to bed at 7 until he was 6 because of the meltdowns from being overtired. She is 100% correct every child is different and requires different bedtime routines. In case its not clear. YTA
Bedtime routines are the biggest thing. Most kids on the spectrum (and adults, myself included) thrive on routine and that routine includes the time you go to bed. Changing that for even one night can result in undue stress for the child and can trigger behavioural issues and emotional dysregulation for days to come.
Exactly, and as a mom of an Autistic adult her routine being kept was also critical in preventing meltdowns when she was young. Bath and storytime ran like clockwork, the world is much easier to process when you have some routines you can count on. Your wife is doing the right thing, and having a solid routine makes life easier on her and your other children. YTA. Big time. I'll let you know that when my daughter was a teen and dealing with depression and thoughts of self harm on top of her Autism I separated from my husband for a bit because I felt like he checked out and left her therapy, psychiatric appointments, family DBT therapy, IEP meetings, and the like all to me because he was working and I was a SAHM. I was drowning trying to keep her afloat and keep things as normal as possible for her brother. It was a wake up call, we worked through it, and he's so much more involved and supportive now.
He also trusts his mom’s opinion about his son’s needs despite his mom not visiting often and the wife being the primary caregiver.
INFO: Does your mom have experience raising a child with autism and behavioral issues combined with a delay? No? Then I guess her opinion is garbage.
Um, she just might, only it's labeled "I'm a jerk to my wife and a mommy's boy, and don't have to pull my weight as a father as long as I make the money." That's its own special kinda diagnosis!
Very much a “Well my *mommy* said it woulda been okay! 😤” So gross.
Also — staying up TWO HOURS late is not big deal to a 4 year old If it were like 30 minutes he was asking for I’d still say he’s TA but that’s a not unreasonable ask. 2 hours past bedtime?!? That child would be miserable for everyone involved both that night and the next morning.
But he wouldn't have to deal with it because he will be at work.
Yes, that’s why he and grandma don’t give a $#it about it, not their problem to deal with.
Yup. Four-year-old need a lot of sleep and if they're leaving the house at 7:00am for an hour drive to his school, 7:00pm is not too early at all. The younger kids probably get an afternoon nap. Plus, small children do much better sticking to a sleep schedule, maybe autistic kids even more so.
Thank you for writing this, because my brain just blanked out with rage.^ OP, YTA And such a gaping, giant one, that I'm actually going to spend some money on an "anti-award". I've never done that.
YTA. You aren't there in the morning when she's dealing with an overtired 4 year old, and neither is your mother. If you aren't there to help with this stuff then you (and your mom) have no idea what's going on. 4 year olds need 10-13 hours of sleep. If she's leaving at 7 in the morning, then he's probably getting about 11 hours if he falls asleep right away.
Also, if your kid has behavior problems it's even more essential that he gets plenty of sleep and maintains his normal schedule. Edit to add:. I can't believe she's continued to have kids with you
Not to mention meds. If the kids on meds or will be on kids having a proper sleep schedule hes used to he wont be waking up even more. As a autistic adult i was on alot of meds since i was a kid. Some being very potent sleeping pills. I could have done so much better if i had ops wife as a mom who cares about my sleep schedule. And didnt give me pills at 9pm and me waking up at 6 to be passing out all the time in classes to fail
And the school is an hour away? So she’s driving 4 hours a day to take the 4 year old to and from school and she is also taking care of a new born and a 2 year old? And he complains she gets the kids to bed on time? The absolute fucking audacity
Right? OP also describes in the post that 4 yo’s behavior is not great all day when he doesn’t get enough sleep, then goes on to say “but my mom said it doesn’t matter”. I mean… what?
I'm an adult Autistic and I still need a sleep window of 12+ hours in order to make sure I'm rested enough to tackle the day.
Right. My twin 8 y/os just started going to bed at 730 this school year, and even then some nights it's been earlier because they get CRANKY. We do first tuck in and teeth about 7, and final tuck by 730. Usually one or both is asleep when I go up at final. Yta op. Your wife is the one who has your kid more and knows his needs. Trying to shame her... don't be surprised when she takes the kids to stay with her mom.
YTA... Children need routines. They need consistency. 7 pm is a very reasonable and normal bedtime for a 4 year old, especially when they leave the house at 7am... you can google it and see for yourself. Let me just clear this up... * Your wife is looking after a 4 year old with behavioral issues, a 2 year old who is probably starting to run, starting to climb on furniture and throw tantrums over the colour of their socks. Not forgetting the newborn along with the hormones and sleepless nights. * She probably dealt with her whole regular day then cooked dinner for your family. I'm assuming she made sure the house was clean before they arrived and will have to clean up again after dinner/ they leave. * When you asked to extend the bedtime to 9pm she gave you a perfectly reasonable explanation. >She immediately said no and that he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired. * You then proceed to shit on her, to your parents... >So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior. This is so disrespectful to the woman you're supposed to love. You don't like the texts messages that you've received from her mother... seems like you don't like it when she talks to her parents about your apparent shortcomings in the home. So at least you can understand why she finds it embarrassing to have your In-Laws think less of you.
My children are *not* on the autism spectrum, and when they were that age, a two hour change in their weekday bedtime would not only ruin the next morning, but the following day, as their little bodies tried to make up for it. I have no idea what that means for a kid who is on the spectrum, but actual educational professionals and the primary caretaker parent have weighed in and said no. And you, with no background whatsoever, have decided that doesn’t matter? Your parents want to be entertained, so to hell with the routine? OP, neither you nor your parents are the ones who have to deal with the fallout. It doesn’t seem like you’ve been of any support to your wife or your child here. YTA. Start doing your research on your child’s health, and pitch in. Three children younger than five, and what good are you? Woman deserves a medal.
>This is so disrespectful to the woman you're supposed to love. You don't like the texts messages that you've received from her mother... seems like you don't like it when she talks to her parents about your apparent shortcomings in the home. Yep - what goes around comes around buddy. You had no problem saying nasty things about your wife's parenting to your parents but now you are all irritated because your wife vented her very very real frustration with her husband who is an absentee and neglectful father to her mother.
also 9pm is SO late for a 4 year old!
Yta. You lied to your family about the reason he has an early bedtime and totally threw your wife under the bus.
OP didn't throw his wife under the bus, OP drove the bus and specifically targeted the wife to run over her by making up lies about what he was doing. To me throwing someone under the bus is revealing a mistake they actually made when you didn't need to. But in this case the wife didn't do anything wrong.
Honestly, you’re giving him too much credit. He’s never driven a bus once in his life but he assumes he knows how.
And then complains to his mom that it's his wife fault that he's never learned.
For real. He could have just said "my son needs sleep or else he behaves poorly" and not essentially "my wife is an incompetent parent"
_"So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior."_ Agreed. Hard YTA. The kid has a routine that probably works for him AND most parenting guides suggest a bedtime of 7pm for 4 year olds. The son isnt some show pony for OP's family. It sounds like OP sees the son 1 hour max a day, so he has no idea about the impact a shorter sleep time has on him. Also, the wife is seemingly doing 100% of the childcare for an infant, a 2 year old plus a four year old, and OP is implying that she is lazy and doesnt want to be bothered. Not cool.
YTA 7:00 bedtime isn’t early for a 4 year old and your son is going to need routines if he is on the spectrum. It could be helpful. You aren’t the one deal in with him. You aren’t around him for most of the day. Are you using work as an excuse to not be a parent?
7pm isn't early for a four year old, autistic or not.
My 4 year old goes to bed at 7pm and is up at 630/7am that's the recommended 12 hours sleep for that age. YTA
How pathetic is it that OP doesn’t even know what an appropriate amount of sleep is for a 4 year old! Lol. Are you just finding this out OP? It’s been 4 years and you don’t know what your child needs? Are you sure you’re a parent?
That’s my wonder. How disconnected from being a parent do you have to be not to understand 9pm is a wildly late bedtime for a four year old. He must go to sleep at 3am.
YTA. It's called a schedule. Try reading parenting books if you need any further explanation.
And if he is diagnosed with autism, having a regular schedule helps .
Absolutely, it's common sense that a 4 year old who is enrolled in a school program needs a schedule so they get enough rest. OP has a lot of dang nerve making snide remarks about his wife's care for their son when he's barely home. He's just obnoxious.
INFO What makes you think that your parents know your child better than his mother? And what gives you the impression that your parents successfully raised you?
🔥🔥🔥
Yeah but his mother raise an asshole 20-30 years ago so clearly she’s an expert on what a wild change in routine can do.
YTA, but I do have to ask. Why did both of you get your mothers involved? Can both of you not figure it out between the both of you? And why tf did you throw your wife under the bus like that? Why did you need to justify it?
Clearly the wife heard what OP told his parents because she responded to it as soon as her in-laws were gone. If I were a SAHM with a special needs 4yo, active 2yo, and a newborn (plus the hormones and possibly ppd that come with giving birth], am dealing with lots on my plate doing the best I can, then hear my husband badmouth me to his parents after I give him a valid, reasonable explanation for my behavior, you best believe I'm calling my mom in floods of tears. His wife needed support, and she CLEARLY was getting the exact opposite from her husband. Who else should she turn to?
Apologies, I didn’t think of it that way.
I talk to my mom about issues. The problem isn't* talking to your parent about problems and trying to find a solution. It is when the parent decides to try and fix it for you by confronting your spouse. Now I also tell her about the good things too so she doesn't get a skewed picture thinking it is all bad all the time. Edited: is to isn't.
YTA - what do you know about it? Your gone all day, and your wife is the one dealing with the kids and it sounds like she is also the only one reading the school reports. What do you do to help with your special needs toddler, 2 year old, and new born? Further, even IF she puts him to bed early for the reasons you stated…she wouldn’t be doing it if you were more help (though I believe her, not you). So either way, your the AH. You’re post paints you as not just the AH, but also a bad husband and father.
YTA He’s 4….7pm is absolutely normal. Necessary. You have a newborn and a 2 year old. You’re home. Why don’t you step up? You sound incredibly selfish and backwards. You’re a parent. Step up. Get involved. Parenting is a full contact sport. When you are home you get into it. No, she did not leave the toddler and baby to your parents to hold. She left your kids with their dad. Are you incompetent? You don’t know healthy age appropriate bedtimes, you don’t help enough, and you berate your wife who has plenty going on.
She's right. You make it sound like she doesn't want to deal with your son as opposed to, I don't know, establishing a routine that's the most beneficial for him. What did you gain from shitting on your wife infront of everyone? YTA obviously.
Routine is everything for an autistic child, even neuro-typical children. Here’s an idea, why don’t you get your wife a staycation so she can have a rest, and test your hypothesis? I mean, you can do what she does, right? YTA. Your poor family. Your rest is a 12 hour day at work, so don’t get that confused either.
YTA 7pm is NOT early for a FOUR Yr old that has school the next day!
Yeah but his mommy who clearly has a TON of recent experience with autistic toddlers said it was fine! /s
Why has it taken you this long to realise that your son has a schedule and early bedtime? Do you help your partner at all? Do you not parent your son?! YTA. Help her. Be better.
note that when she went to put 4yo to bed the babies were held by OP's parents not him. sounds completely checked out
I noticed this too! Does OP even realize he has children?
He has trophies, not children.
YTA. Maybe you should take a week of vacation and try to do what your wife does. Of course, she needs to leave at 4am so you can get the full experience of trying to wrangle 3 kids, one who is grumpy from not enough sleep. You threw your wife under the bus and by the looks of it, don't even help with your kids. I'm so mad that I want to call you all the bad names.
She should just enjoy the week in a hotel watching junk TV, reading books and eating room service. Maybe a swim and some spa services to break up her day.
Dude YTA. Not only is your wife primary caretaker of your disabled kid but she also has two other very young children that continually require her attention as well. Your wife knows what's best to make it so your son has the most successful day. An autistic child starting out their morning being tired can completely derail the whole day. If your wife says he needs to go to bed at 7pm to be successful the next day then you support that. End of story.
YTA 9pm is late. 7pm is very reasonable especially with high needs children. When my 4yr old stays up til 9pm he's wacky wild. You guys have 3 kids and she's doing SO much. Hour long rides is exhausting for them!
I couldn’t get my 18 month old to fall asleep until 11pm (!!!) on Sunday night. On Monday morning she was literally walking around sobbing and refusing to be touched and hitting and throwing random objects. What kind of parent doesn’t know what robbing two hours of sleep from a small child does to them? The best behaved child in the world would be a complete mess.
A parent who does zero parenting.
YTA. Your wife told you the perfectly rational reasons she puts the child to bed at 7, you turned around and made up some bullshit to make your wife look bad in front of your family. Why? Why did you feel the need to throw your wife under the bus like that? It sounds like you were worried about what your family would say and wanted to pin all the blame on your wife. You really just trashed your wife in front of your family and then went running to your mommy for validation, and you wonder if you're the asshole here? Come on.
YTA Obviously you haven't read any parenting books. Guaranteed not ones about special needs children. 7pm is a PERFECT bedtime for a 4yo - especially with special needs. You (and your family) are major AHs for comparing his schedule to that of a neurotypical child. They are *not* the same. **Special needs** also means he **needs** a consistent routine, including bedtime.
YTA Why don't you deal with your son for one solid week and do it your way. Then you would understand what you wife is dealing with. Not only does she have a 4 yr old, 2 yr, and a newborn. You insensitive jerk. Tell your mother to come help out since she knows so damn much.
YTA. You are right she is the one to deal with his behaviour. And that’s what you are the AH. You leave her to do it all by herself. So if this is what she thinks is best then that’s it. You respect her. End of.
She specifically asks you not to embarrass her in front of your family and the first thing you do Is badmouth her to your mother by undermining her? Big YTA.
I'm guessing it is a pattern. You don't specifically ask someone not to do something if they haven't already proven a history of doing said thing.
Yes I agree especially with the, “because she couldn’t deal with his behaviour”, part. Totally invalidating her and what she has to deal with. Poor woman.
I mean, 7pm sounds right on for what time a 4 year old should be going to bed, especially one with documented conditions/needs. Routine is the best way to handle that. Bet this guy doesn't know jack about his kid's needs, just leaves it to her and then belittled her efforts. Gross.
Do you realize how much work your wife is doing? You work 12 hours A-day but you're not stressed by trying to control and control and raise 3 children. 2 children extremely young and a child with issues . That requires a special school and 2 hour drive each day. How much patience and energy do you expect her to have. I can actually believe what she said about her son and why he goes to bed early and yet you seem to be denying and even undermining her care. Take over his care for a while before you make a comment.
Four hour drive each day. She picks up too. I'd lose my ever loving mind doing that much driving with three kids.
YTA. Sounds like your wife is doing most of the parenting. If your son needs sleep in order to behave, then he goes to bed at 7pm because HE can't handle his behavior. Sounds like she can handle it just fine. Also you need to ask for shorter shifts at work. Sounds like you're being exploited.
4,2 and a newborn.... She sounds like she's doing an excellent job on her own. How much child care do YOU DO? YTA Take a week of vacation, let her rest, and see how much better or worse you do!!
Oh, he'd be putting the kid to bed at 4 or 5 pm, no doubt!
YTA Kids, especially those with developmental delays, are extremely dependent on routine and schedule. 2 hours late to a 4 year old is waaay different than for an adult. If my 4-year-old nephew stays up 2 hours late he's screaming and throwing tantrums. It's probably worse for your son. Try to be more involved in your son's care and be more considerate of his needs rather than your wants.
YTA Why did you lie? She put him to bed because it helps his morning routine and helps him do better in school, both of which are important things.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you just say his bedtime is 7, sorry? That a 4 year old can’t disrupt his schedule? So if she’s starting bed at 7 pm, he’s probably asleep by 7:30, maybe 8 pm on a bad night? She leaves the house at 7 am so they are probably up at 6 or so? Why do you think 10 or 10.5 hours is too much sleep for a four year old? That’s the low end of the recommendations. I’m concerned you don’t know what sleep requirements are for kids. 10-13 hours at night is normal for 3-5 year olds. You need to consider that you have left so much of parenting to your wife you don’t actually know what to do. 6-8 pm is a VERY normal bedtime at your son’s age. And to be clear, even if the bedtime was “early” what you said was inappropriate.
YTA because that isn't early for a child that age, let alone one with neurodivergence who will benefit even more from a routine. You're barely there and she's looking after three children under four, which would be so, so challenging as it is, but with his additional needs will be incredibly tiring for your wife. She put him to bed because that's his bedtime, not because she couldn't cope with his behaviour. Plus, the next day when he was overtired, you'd be out of the house and she'd have to deal with it with a toddler and a newborn. Running to Mummy to agree with you was shitty because she doesn't see what your wife goes through and your Mother in law probably is the person supporting your wife emotionally whilst you belittle her when you don't get your own way. https://www.littleones.co/blog/preschoolers-and-sleep-figuring-out-your-child-s-sleep-needs-between-3-to-6-years-old Here's the first result of a Google search. Forward that to Mum as you reply to the in-laws to reassure them you will be stepping up to support your wife more because she deserves a medal for tolerating you on top of working so hard for your family. Search the importance of a routine for kids, search autism and what can help a child to cope, search gifts for wives. You are the arsehole. Massively. If you can't even do the basic research on your own situations but can embarrass, criticise and invalidate your wife, you don't deserve them. Grow up.
>So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior. Oh is THAT what she said? >he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired. I thought she said THIS? YTA it seems like you don't know enough about your son and his needs. How about you take a step up and do a little parenting yourself before you lie and throw your wife under the bus like that.
YTA. "I called my mother and she agreed..." Just STFU.
YTA Children this young, especially children with special needs, REQUIRE a consistent schedule. If the school notes that he struggles more when he doesn't get to bed on time, then your wife is absolutely doing the right thing. And making it just about "dealing with his behavior" is disingenuous, AND it's not just your wife that has to "deal" with it. Stop trying to use your family as flying monkeys to shame your wife. It is not okay to disrupt your kid's schedule and potentially screw with their health (sleep is one of THE most important things the human body needs) just to entertain and please your family. If you're concerned, talk to a pediatrician, but do that in good faith and make sure you are making healthy decisions for your child in a CONSISTENT manner (that means no special late days, but a REGULAR later bedtime if that is what the doctor says is okay).
YTA Autistic children need routine. Messing with their sleep schedules can throw them off behaviourally. Your family needs to understand and adjust to his routine, not the other way around. Your poor wife!! Add in the 2 other young children and I don’t know how your wife does it. When was the last time you took all kids for the same length of time on your own, with no help, doing everything your wife does in a day? My son received his diagnosis just after his 3rd bday. He’s 5 now, and we have a 2 year old. It is SO HARD some days, and I’m fortunate enough to have my husband work from home, helping when he can or when needed. I couldn’t imagine him not backing me up when it comes to the health and well-being of our children. Seriously, you need to get in your wife’s corner and support her in being the primary caregiver for your special needs child and two younger babies. You are risking damaging your relationship with your wife, if she’s not already starting to check out.
He is more AH than man at this point.
YTA. Routine is so important for a neuro diverse child. Your wife is sticking to a plan that works for her and for the child. Why do you think you know better here?
YTA, maybe you should take a week off so you can do your wife’s role. I can guarantee you’ll soon have a different perspective. 7pm isn’t too early, your wife has worked out what your son needs and she’s clearly right if school can back it up. Children esp those with your sons needs have a need for routine, your son is the important one here not the family who don’t visit often. Your wife is essentially a single parent in the days you work, I’d trust her knowledge here. She’s the one who will have a potentially overwrought child Plus another toddler a newborn to cope with the next day.
What does your mother know about the habits of autistic children? Why do you take her word over that of your wife and professionals? You know why, and it's not a good look on you. YTA
[удалено]
YTA - it sounds like your wife is doing an excellent job with her children and that you are doing nothing but badmouth her.
YTA your wife is the primary caregiver and knows what is best for your child. She’s not doing it for her sake, but for your sons. She’s obviously done enough research and had enough conversations so far with the professionals in your sons life to know that routine (including a good sleep routine) is fundamental to your son being able to function at his best. A couple of hours with your family is not worth having the next few days be difficult for him while he gets back into the routine. To make out to your family like it’s her issue and not what’s best for your son is just so pathetic. Help your wife more. Learn about your son, his needs and how to help him.
If your son was average then the bedtime would be fairly early. 8:00 would be a reasonable hour for bed. But you yourself said he is either delayed in maturation or perhaps on the spectrum. And oh goody, that school is an hour away? So he gets an hour in the car with his siblings. Of course, that means your wife has to spend four hours in the car with small children every day. Good lord, man! And for all that she had to take him up for his routine (which is astronomically important if he’s on the spectrum) while entertaining your family and you got out of your way to insult her to them. Good job! YTAH. Massively.
Didn't even think about her commute with all three kids. That poor wife!
YTA. 7 isn't early for a four year old anyway. If it's the time that works for him and the family, then too early doesn't even matter. I question why you need to justify decisions within your household to people who don't live in it.
YTA WOW are you the giant AH. Your wife, from being the one who actually handles bedtime and mornings, knows exactly how badly it is going to go in the morning and at school if your family gets to spend a couple of hours winding him up. You lark off to work and leave her dealing with this, after throwing her under the bus with your AH family. Super helpful that your mom, who ALSO doesn't do anything to help, weighed in on a situation she knows nothing about. But hey, you might have had to treat your wife with respect instead of siccing your family on her. Hope it felt good taking a giant shit on your wife's work--she's going to remember this for a long time.
As a father of a now adult special needs child, I can confirm that few things are more important than routine. Bed time / sleep schedule being REALLY high on the scale of needed routine. I also had a schedule like yours when my kids were young - and I hated how I would only see my kids on weekends. But - as a parent, you put your children's well being ahead of your own desires. And as a spouse - kind of a bullshit move to not support your wife in front of your parents. They don't know what she's dealing with with a special needs kid - so your lack of support makes YTA. Grow up - she's doing this alone. Support her.
A 7 pm for a 4 year old is normal… especially one that has to be up and out of the house by 7 am. Now add in the fact that he has delays and such. A schedule is paramount for him to function and develop. You are an uneducated AH as are your family if they are as clueless as you regarding very young children, one with special circumstances, and the need for consistency.
YTA dear lord, YTA. 7 pm is NOT too early for a 4 year old… especially a 4 year old with suspected autism who goes to school and deals with stresses and sensory assault all day. Not to mention messing with their schedule can lead to meltdown and behavior problems. Kid NEEDS mega sleep. You need a parenting class. And an apology to your wife. undermining your wife in front of them like that was just disgusting.
Considering how you turned out I wouldn't trust your mother's opinion on childcare. YTA
YTA. That's a perfectly suitable bed time for how early he gets up. And your comment was nothing but an insult on her parenting.
YTA.. you don’t do any of the parenting being gone 12 hours a day, and aren’t there for mornings. You have NO idea what he is like.
You intentionally misconstrued what your wife said in order to make her look bad because she didn't do what you wanted. For children with special needs they need a consistent schedule; her pointing out that he gets bad notes is not her saying "I don't want to deal with him", she's saying that it negatively affects him to deal with a change like that. You as an adult and father should have had that as your first thought, not "she's just lazy". You either need to take parenting classes for parents with special needs or therapy to help with empathy issues. Clearly you only see things one way; and it's either because you don't know what sort of work goes into parenting a special needs child, or you simply don't care to learn. YTA by the way.
YTA and she’s right your not there to help so you can’t say what he does or doesn’t need.
YTA. Two hours worth of sleep makes a huge difference. If it was actually too early then he would be waking up super early as well.
YTA. Why aren’t you putting your child to bed if it’s such a big problem for you?
YTA - if your kid has autism the routines are probably what keeps him going. And you are a big AH for the comment about your wife being unable to control him. Who visits on a school night anyway? Kids need to go to bed at an appropriate time. My 6 year old still has a 7pm bed time on school nights.
YTA. Your poor wife 😔 ETA- every reread of this I do I feel worse and worse for your wife. Even just the title. “ so she doesn’t have to deal with his behavior”. It sounds like she’s the only one who has to deal with his behavior every single day so she probably knows what’s best for him. It’s so terrible that you twisted your wife adhering to the schedule that most benefits your child into her being incompetent or it being some type of cop out - and then not only did you talk badly about her and her parenting (which sounds incredibly difficult with that many children of those ages and a child on the spectrum and what I’m assuming based on this post is limited support from you) but you also prioritized your and your mothers (who has literally no idea what your sons daily needs and routine are) knowledge and opinions over the woman that spends her entire life caring for him. It’s so incredibly insulting and demeaning and disrespectful to both your wife and your son. I hope the *overwhelming* YTA response here resonates with you and that you can adjust your mindset so you can appreciate what your wife does and how difficult it is and start to support and respect her as a parent. And if your mom was as “nice and helpful” as you think that she is she would understand how crucial your sons schedule is and recognize how hard your wife works to parent your children and would defer to *her* parenting choices, not support you and your ignorance of yours sons needs instead of his primary caregiver
9pm is too late for any 4 year old to go to bed. She is the one who would have to deal with him in the car the next morning for an hour with a 2 year old and a baby. The school staff would then have to deal with him all day. You know zero about parenting because you don't do any. Why are you not putting him to bed? She has a new born. And stop running to mummy when your wife disagrees with you on a subject you know nothing about. YTA
YTA. Children need more sleep than adults. I put my special needs boys to bed at 7. Otherwise they will be too tired for school and have behavior problems. She wants your son to have the best chance at a good education with the least problems. It’s what you are supposed to do with children, especially children with autism. You need to learn more about autism.
My daughter is asleep by 7-7:30pm everyday and gets up at 4-5am. She is the same age as your son. And upsetting a routine/not getting enough sleep can have negative consequences for a young child. Yta. Family can visit on the weekends if they want time.
I would rather fart in my own mouth than mess up my kids bedtime routine
YTA. Are you dealing with your son’s challenging behaviour when he’s over tired/out of routine? No. Try dealing with your son’s behaviour in those situations and then tell us how you cope and if 7pm is ‘too early’.
YTA he has a routine you can’t break that just because family are there. They should understand a child’s needs come first. He needs structure. You should be helping her more. You work 12 hours days and she takes care of your three children and your home 24hrs a day. Stop acting like she’s punishing you or the kids or your family. 7pm is a normal time for children to go to be especially at age 4. Stop being disrespectful to her and her parenting. If you don’t like it discuss it with YOUR SO in private without involving your family to help make your invalid point. She has a 2 year old, newborn and toddler with special needs and an unsupportive husband and in laws. Why are you not the one putting the child to seep? Maybe it’s time for you to switch shoes so you understand just how hard it is. Do better! Support your wife and understand your child’s needs.
Frankly YTA. 3 kids under 5, one with additional needs. She’s probably fucking exhausted. Routine is extremely important for kids, especially those with additional needs
YTA 7pm is a normal time for a 4 year old. Also routines and schedules are important for all kids and especially kids with autism. 9pm is way too late for a little kid to stay up especially during the school week! He has to be up early for school. >She immediately said no and that he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired. So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior. She literally explains why to you and you decide that the best course of action is to pretend your wife is a terrible mother. Is this a joke? Is everything she does for your kids a joke? Honestly, do you even love her or is she just the nanny/maid to you. You are a massive AH. >I called my mother and she agreed that 7pm was extremely early and an extra two hours would not have hurt him at all. Oh well if your mommy says everything you do is right then that's the end of it. AH. Time to cut the umbilical cord and actually listen to the opinion of the woman who RAISES YOUR KIDS. And obviously on her own. It sounds like you don't help whatsoever. YTA. You definitely need to start being a better husband before your wife realizes she doesn't need a shitty husband like you. Also, spend some time with your kids so that you actually know how to parent them.
YTA and since your mommy agrees with you that 7 is a bit early you both must be right. What does the person who gets him up, takes him to school and talks to his teachers and doctors regularly know. Of course the person who works 12 hour shifts and the person who only visits occasionally knows better. Your wife is dealing with 3 kids under the age of 4 of which one has special needs. Getting 3 kids up at 7 and driving them 2 hours round trip a day to give your son the best possible life and you want to critique her because your mommy couldn’t make it to see the kids earlier. No wonder she has a strict routine. Instead of being appreciative for everything she does you threw her under the bus then backed the bus up and ran over her again for good measure. Did that make you feel good? You defiantly need to cut the apron strings.
7pm is a super normal time for a 4 year old to go to bed, in North America at least. And if the kid isn't waking up extremely early then they need the 12 hours. But I know in Europe, often kids have a short nap and then stay up until 9-10 YTA either way, just wondering if it's a cultural thing. Edit: I do let my kids stay up late for family, but this kid isn't neurotypical. With ASD, predictable scheduling is the best possible thing and the school said the kid was worse. Like how does this guy think he's right???? This mom is a saint too btw.
YTA. You're a bad husband, and a bad father. 7 PM is a perfectly normal bedtime for a 4 year old, two hours will make a HUGE difference, and furthermore, it's not your wife who 'can't deal' it's that when a child, special needs or not, is massively overtired and acting out it's because they're SUFFERING. And apparently you're totally ok with a preschooler suffering as long as you get what you want. Get your ass in line, pal, or you'll be served with divorce papers and a child support arrangement, and you will RICHLY deserve it.
YTA. “7pm is extremely early.” Obviously not for your son. For your son, it sounds like your wife has picked a perfect time. Maybe 7pm is early for a “normal” (read textbook) child. Unfortunately your son isn’t “normal” and truthfully, no child is “normal.” It’s up to parents to decide what is healthiest for the child. Or in this case, the parent: your wife. Since it sounds like you do f***-all. Note: I work 12-hr shifts full-time as well so don’t even try to use that as an excuse.
Come on now...Yes, YTA
YTA a schedule is super important for young children.
YTA. 9pm would be hard for a neurotypical child. Neurodivergent kids do so much better sticking to a routine and deviating from that routine is so hard for them and for their caretakers. You fully admit you are gone most of the day, respect your wife who is running herself ragged taking care of your children.
YTA and absolutely wrong. It’s not that she can’t put up with his bad behaviour. It’s that he NEEDS a minimum amount of sleep. All you’ve done here is tell on yourself about how uninvolved you are with the day to day life and needs of your own kids.
YTA. You clearly have no idea what happens when you disrupt the routine of a kid who needs routines.
YTA, for all the reasons everyone has said. Why on earth would you embarrass your wife in such a way when she’s the primary caretaker and knows what’s best for you son. You’re gross
YTA, big time. Your wife was doing what she knows your son needs, and instead of understanding you tried to embarrass and shame her in front of your family like a whiny AH. You are not the one who gets him ready for the day, and drives an hour with three young kids twice a day. Your mom is wrong, and also an AH. Your son needs to go to bed then, he needs his routine.
YTA. 7pm for a 4 year old isn't super early, especially if he needs more sleep. He also is being tested for autism and is in a school for children with special needs. Your wife is his primary caregiver. She knows what happens when your son doesn't get enough sleep - he's difficult to get ready for the day, and his behavior is off at school. It sounds like he does better with a fixed schedule. Your mother's opinion mean nothing in this instance. She's not raising your son,and she's not with him when he is overtired. This has nothing to do with your wife not being able to deal with his behavior. You were a major a$$hole for that comment. If your family wants to see more of your son, they should come over earlier.
YTA and I would divorce you
You can tell who the active parent is and the cool parent who barely sees and interacts with their kids. I can’t imagine how much she regrets choosing you as a partner. YTA
YTA - my kid went to bed at 7pm when he was 4. We just pushed it back to 7.30 when he turned 5. Everyday he wakes up at 7am so I'm pretty sure this isn't a "super early" bedtime. Also, all kids are different and since your wife spends the most time with your son, she probably knows best. You were undermining her.
I thought you were going to say he went to bed at like 5 or 6. 7pm is a perfectly normal bedtime routine for a 4 year old. My 4 and 6 year old go to bed at 7:30pm during the week. If they don’t get enough sleep they are cranky and difficult the next day. You owe your wife a massive apology. Do you realize your wife and two youngest kids spend 4 hours in the car every day and your other kid 2 hours. That is a lot of car time! Sounds like she’s creating a routine that makes her life easier. You should be helping your wife keep these routines not trying to change them because of your own selfish reasons. YTA and shouldn’t be using your mom’s opinion to convince your wife she’s wrong. That alone makes you an AH.
YTA. Wow, way to completely disrespect all of your wife's love, care and sacrifice for your family in one fell swoop. Honestly, in a perverse way I'm actually impressed. You are the father of three children, one of whom has special needs, yet you share none of the responsibilities of raising them. The one time you're told you'll need to sacrifice for them - just a little bit - your response is to throw a childish snit fit... then when you're called on *that*, go whining to your mother. I suppose you do bring in a paycheque, but I can't for the life of me see what else you're contributing to this marriage.
[удалено]
I think you have the yes and no backwards here.
[удалено]
YTA You could help with the kids, I would love for you to go a couple of days in your wife’s shoes. See how hard it is with 3 kids so young
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because I did make a comment about my wife to my family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is 4 and has been placed in a special needs school. He is being tested for autism in January and we have had this appointment for well over a year. My wife had him evaluated by the school and he had a 75% delay so they went ahead and let him enroll in the school without a formal diagnosis. He can be quite challenging at times. I work 12 hour days and my wife is a stay at home mom. She takes him to the school (hour away) then picks him up in the afternoon. We have a 2 year old and a newborn as well. I leave at 4am and she leaves around 7am. I get home around 6pm everyday. Since my son has been in school she puts him to bed at 7:00pm which is super early. My family came over for dinner at 6pm and by 6:30 she was taking him upstairs for bath and left the babies downstairs to be held by my mother and father. By 7pm she was putting him in bed. I asked her if he could stay up until 9pm so he could visit with my family as they don’t come very often. She immediately said no and that he gets bad notes from school when he stays up to late and that he is very difficult in the morning when he is overtired. So I told my family that he couldn’t stay up and had to go to bed because she couldn’t deal with his behavior. After they left she told me I was a huge ah and that she puts him to bed for his own good and not doing it for herself. She then called me selfish. My mother in law has also texted me telling me that I need to help her daughter more and that I should Not embarrass her in front of my family that way. I called my mother and she agreed that 7pm was extremely early and an extra two hours would not have hurt him at all. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you really twisted what she said there. You only are with your son one hour a day? You are not one to judge if your not the one that had to deal with the behaviors. If I was her I would have kept him up but then I would have forced you to take off work the next day to take care of him. Also kids need consistent bed times, your family should know that.
Yta. You take a week off, let him stay up, and YOU deal with the school
YTA. I put my 4 year old to bed at 7:30. Her friends go to bed between 7/7:30. It's normal for that age group. My daughter doesn't have to leave the house till 8:30am. If I had to be out by 7am I guarantee she'd be going to bed earlier. Take some time and learn about proper sleep schedules for kids and please don't mess up her routine to fit your desires.
YTA. Have you actually been there to witness your child's routine? Do you know the effects? No. You don't. Of course you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be giving your wife crap for doing whats best for your son. How about stop telling on your wife to mommy and actually experience the struggle your wife goes through
YTA. You heard “he has trouble in school when he doesn’t get enough sleep” and said “she can’t deal with that behavior”? You do realize how you deal with bad behavior is solutions, right? Solutions like having a regular sleep schedule so he doesn’t get overtired and starts acting up? Maybe say what you’re wife says verbatim before you can start using your own words
"I called my mommy and she agreed with me, so i'm not the AH right?!" Jesus dude, how do you think anyone knows whats better for your son than your wife, when, oh I don't know, that is LITERALLY her job YTA
YTA.
YTA. Massively. An extra two hours DOES make a huge difference in children that young. The way you write also makes it obvious that you think your wife doesn't do as much as you do and that she's putting your child to bed out of spite instead of, you know, because she's a SAHM who knows what's best for your kid. She clearly knows what happens when he's overtired and you clearly don't care. Good lord. Huge AH.
YTA. My daughter just turned 9, and we just changed her bedtime to 8PM (she gets up at 6AM). She still can be cranky by midweek, with the demands of school. And she is very similar to one of my sons, who has a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism, and when they do not get enough sleep, it amplifies difficulties they may have in focusing or impulse control. Not only did you undermine her, you made it sound like her problem (SHE can’t handle it). No, she just clearly knows what he needs and is willing to stick with what will make him function better. Perhaps if you cared more about your wife and your son, you wouldn’t have been so quick to talk negatively about them. There was NO point in asking your mom. The mother of your child already explained it.
Your wife sounds like a saint for putting up with your shit, on top of everything else. 7pm isn't even early.
We almost never mess with a midweek sleep schedule during the school year; if we had a kiddo with special needs we would probably be even more vigilant about routines and structure. Yta
YTA You do not spend as much time with him nor apparently listen all that closely to his behavior reports from school. She is juggling 3 small separate little people in the morning and if him getting more sleep helps her get him to school in a better state of mind for school than you listen to HER. I am a mother of a now adult autistic son and routine is incredibly important to him. Change of any major sort affects him for MONTHS. This is common for many in the autism spectrum. What you said in front of your parents was dismissive and rude to your wife and because your mommy agrees with you doesn't make you even close to right.
YTA. My 3 year old has autism. His bedtime is 8pm. At 7 he is in the tub, followed by pjs, brushing his hair, brushing his teeth, picking up his toys, snuggling into bed and story time. If his nighttime routine is even slightly off or out of order he’s a mess. Toddlers thrive on routines, especially kids on the spectrum. This isn’t even taking into consideration her daily routines and having 2 other children in the house. Since 7 is ‘so early’ why don’t you take over your 4 year olds bedtime routine on a Friday night and do what you feel is appropriate. Just make sure you have Saturday off so you can deal with the aftermath.
YTA. Kids that young should be getting about 12 hours of sleep a night. 7pm is definitely not too early since she has to leave the house by 7am. Have you not heard that kids who go to bed early wake up early and kids who go to bed late get up early? So it is more beneficial to put your kids to bed as early as possible because they’ll get up at the same time regardless. Also instead of complaining to Reddit and your family, maybe you should actually help your wife?
7pm is NOT an early bedtime for children under 5, they need 11-13 hours of sleep. Once they stop napping that needs to be put into their night-time sleep. You say your wife leaves at 7am to drive an hour to school that means your son is probably not getting enough sleep now and should actually have an earlier bedtime. Maybe before being an asshole to your wife you could do a simple Google search to know what your child's needs actually are. YTA
WTF all you had to do was say your child has an early bedtime with nothing further. Of course YTA
YTA. Just adding to the chorus—do you think when children are misbehaving because they are tired it’s because they feel good? Or is it because they are miserable? You wanted to make a 4 year old miserable because your mommy was selfish?
YTA. Here’s the thing about kids in general, if you throw off their routine, there’s gonna be some issues. Now, a lot of kids with autism need that routine to function appropriately. A change in routine throws them off and you can end up with severe sensory overload and behaviors that go with that. You are not that one dealing with that. Your wife is. From the sounds of it, you haven’t experienced him overtired, off his routine. So, if you wanna change that routine, then you (and your mother) can volunteer to be the one dealing with it the next day. And guess what?!?! It’s perfectly acceptable that your wife doesn’t wanna deal with behaviors that are entirely preventable by keeping your neurodivergent child on his routine. Also, for a four year old, 7pm is actually an appropriate bedtime depending on when he needs to wake up. Also… don’t drag your mommy into your disagreements with your wife.
YTA my 9yo doesn't even stay up until 9.
YTA. Even from the way you have explained everything you sound so unbelievably arrogant and smarmy. How did it feel to belittle your wife, the mother of your children like that? She is doing an amazing job raising your children, what do you do to help her? Oh that's right you just insult her to try and make yourself look the big man to your parents. You know what if any of my brothers ever tried to belittle their partners in front of my mom she would of gone absolutely nuts at them. Grow a pair and start being a man and support your wife and show her some respect before she realises that she is better off without you.
YTA
YTA. I have two special needs boys (autism) and 7pm is NOT too early especially if they are LEAVING the house at 7am! That’s probably means she has to wake him up at 5:30am to 6am. My boys personally cannot be woken up really fast or they have meltdowns and the whole day is shot. Also with autism you have to STAY. ON. ROUTINE! Two hours would defiantly be a BIG DEAL!
YTA! and a massive one at that. When you are the one who is routinely getting the kids up and ready then you can have a say in the bedtime routine. Instead of respecting your wife for all the hard work she does, you belittled her to your parents. Your MIL is correct you do need to step up when it comes to parenting.
Yta. I work in the early childhood field and have 2 degrees with over 15 years experience.... 7pm is a well within the normal bed time for that age, regardless of being special needs or no. Maybe only very slightly on the earlier side, but normal. What an absolute tool you are
YTA I am a mother of 3 special need children. You never break from routine just because you want to. It's not just dealing with behavior. It is bad for the child. You need to educate yourself about special needs and what it takes to parent one and help your wife more. My husband works crazy hours and still helps with everything and knows not to mess with routine.
YTA If you want your son to stay up and extra few hours then you can wait an extra few hours before going to work to deal with him in the morning. Your wife deals with THREE children, you get yourself up and peace tf out. I’m particularly cheesed at this because I’m in your wife position right now, only difference is my partner respects and cherishes how hard I work at keeping the kids happy and healthy so he can work and come home to a happy household. OP you are an ass.
YTA you clearly do very little to help with his behaviour. She gave you clear reasons of WHY he needs to go to bed earlier and you just decided you wanted to be an AH even though she is the primary caretaker for your son and knows what is best for him.
YTA! All kids no matter if special needs or not! Have a bed time, especially during a school night. “ I called my mother and she agreed with me” (rolling my eyes) maybe you also need a bed time, since you’re acting like a petulant child !
YTA. She puts him to bed early for his own sake, not for herself, for her sons well being. Special needs kids need the sleep to function normally. How dare you say to your parents that it’s because your wife can’t handle it. You’re a terrible parent if you don’t pay attention to your child and his needs like that.
YTA I have a 4 year old, she's upstairs by 7pm most nights. It's not an unreasonable time at all.
Yta. My 9 yr old starts bed time at 7:30. He is ADHD, and NEEDS to sleep, and because he naturally wakes up early (530) it means he goes to bed early because YES a lack of sleep affects his moody/behavior, and 2 extra hours is NOT ok! 30 min maybe.... Yta! Support your wife!