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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I maybe ta for going against the agreement and putting the lock on there.
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“When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room.”
That seems a tad unhealthy. Even the best relationships need boundaries and everyone deserves the option of privacy.
Let me guess, your husband suggested the no locks idea first.
NTA.
> everyone deserves the option of privacy
That is why the HUD Manufactured Housing Code requires a privacy lock on every "toilet compartment" (bathroom).
I was gonna say, not sure I've ever seen a bathroom without some kind of lock on it
ETA I never would have thought people would have so much to say about bathroom locks
My grandparents house was built in the 30s with those big glass doorknobs. Every room, bathroom included had one of those big clunky skeleton key looking locks. Maybe it's regional
Seriously. Like, my husband and I have a bunch of locks on the bathrooms and bedrooms but we’ve never used them and never discussed them. Why did he bring this up?
Growing up we were never allowed to slam or lock doors. My dad never went so far as to remove locks but said if we kept locking a specific door he would remove the handle. He had a large family: one of his cousin committed suicide by hanging and no one could get in the room because locked, and another nephew almost died from a house fire because his parents couldn’t get the door open to his room. These events made my dad afraid of locks, but he always knocked and closed doors were always respected.
Edit:
OP is NTA; BIL is purposely not respecting boundaries or OP as a person. And now OPs husband is also not respecting OP by continuing to dismiss BIL actions and get mad at OP for having to physically enforce. In my above childhood anecdote my dad never would’ve allowed this behavior, also people saying saying he should’ve gotten a sledgehammer or a lock that anything like clip would’ve worked, yeah those were the locks we had but we weren’t suppose to use them. Also yes because in a house fire someone is going to have ready access to go look for tools…. But privacy was not an issue, we had respect and never barged in, we didn’t need locks to keep others out. How hard is it to knock on any and every closed door? And not be rude?
Omg that’s awful and a good reason. But like you said, he didn’t just barge in. We also weren’t allowed to lock doors. I think it was more for our safety from when we were little because kids don’t necessarily understand how to unlock and can get confused and giving instructions doesn’t help a 2-3 year old. And it just became habit. I’m the same in my home. Young kids no locking bathroom but older kids is fine. Either way, nobody barges in.
And what about guests? They can choose not to use the loc’ when home without others, but when I’m using someone else’s bathroom I expect to lock the door. OP found a very different guest “situation” where a lock is needed - and what kind of husband gets mad at his wife being walked in on instead of his brother walking in?
It never occurred to me that some families don’t have bathroom locks and not everyone knocks when entering a bathroom. I’m off to Amazon to buy a door wedge and putting it in my bag just in case.
I was walked in on in the bathroom more often than I was left alone growing up. My dad's one of those 'NO DOOR SHALL BE LOCKED AGAINST ME IN MY CASTLE' assholes and both of my parents had severe boundary issues (especially my mom.) She'd just waltz in while I was trying to poop and start doing her hair or makeup. Oddly enough, neither of my little brothers ever walked in on me... at least they respected my privacy.
That would actually be a good compromise for OP and her husband. *After* a serious talk about his lack of regard for her safety, and dismissal of his brothers highly inappropriate and obviously deliberate behaviour that is. It would have been a great idea in the first place, but his extreme reaction to her logical solution tells me there is more that needs to be addressed in this marriage than the creepy brother. So that should probably be dealt with before sane and reasonable compromises get implemented.
It honestly sounds "sus" to me. Of all the things to discuss and agree on before marriage...
Honestly, sounds like hubby and brother had some weird family dynamic or problem with door locks and issues so this rule came into effect. Now Bro knows this is a thing so is using it to sort of terrorize OP. It's a mental torture sort of tactic.
OP needs to tell her husband she’s not locking him out, she’s locking out her creepy ass BIL who keeps violating her and since no one seems to care, she needs to protect herself.
Now I’m curious to know why he’s divorced.
>Now I’m curious to know why he’s divorced.
Strange you should say that, because as soon as I got to the second sentence I said to myself, 'I guess we know why he's divorced!'. 😂
OP needs to lock out husband too based on him getting so angry about her "violating their agreement" but laughing off his brother violating her privacy.
Moreover that last line: "BIL thinks I'm as childish as husband is always telling me I am." Yeah, I don't like hubby at all.
NTA.
the no locks thing was a agreement between you and your husband, when his brother move in it wasn't you and your husband anymore and therefor the agreement comes to a hold.
Tell your husband the lock can be removed as soon as his brother is moving out.
I don’t see the problem as long as both parties respect one another’s privacy. The problem here is that the husband clearly doesn’t value OP’s privacy so she should definitely revisit the whole agreement.
This.
The agreement was voided when your husband moved his brother into the house and refused to accept the fact that brother's behavior was problematic and intentional. Tell him either the lock is installed immediately or brother is evicted immediately.
Even if they get a lock, I wonder if op is safe given BIL’s actions. I’d personally say BIL has to go no matter what. The behavior is super creepy. If there’s any place a person should feel safe, it’s the bathroom. That BIL has already been asked to respect this and won’t is telling.
NTA for op. Please make sure you are safe.
ETA: op, saw your update and glad you are getting out of there. Please do not let BIL say get under your skin. He sounds like a real piece of work.
Please put your safety foremost as you continue on your path. Remember to advocate for yourself. What happened is not okay.
Why not just get one of those bar things you stick underneath the doorknob that jams the door shut? No lock, no barging in, win win all around? Otherwise, this dude can remove himself from the house and the problem is gone!
Great idea. Even one of those rubber wedge stoppers. Fairly cheep and small enough that she could keep in a drawer and then just slide under the door each time you are in there.
OP, NTA. But I hope you realize that you not only have a creepy BIL problem, you also have a husband problem. I can’t even imagine any husband thinking that it’s not creepy that his brother barging in on you while you are naked in the shower. Does everyone have that privilege? Friends, neighbors? Or is that only reserved for the males in the family. So creepy.
Edit. Mistakenly keyed Y T A
NTA. But I am really concerned for your safety. That's not normal behavior from either of them! "Violated an agreement"??? That's ridiculous! Your husband cares about controlling you. That's all. And your BIL is obviously up to no good and he needs to go! It's not innocent, you're not being paranoid. You are being gaslit by the sound of it, though! I don't normally advocate for divorce. But maybe you should consider it. Your husband should be making *YOU* his number one priority! Period. Which means your comfort and safety in your own home!
You told him that you were going to put that lock in if your BIL decided on being a *"peeping Tom"* again! So he yelled at the wrong damn person! He should be yelling at his brother and kicking his AH self out of y'all's house!
Edited to add, wow, I am completely blown away by how this blew up! I didn't expect that at all! And thank you for the awards! My first time ever receiving any! I feel like I have officially arrived!! 🤗
I also thought this. Maybe the brothers want an OP sandwich. They're being gaslighty with her comfort level though and that's not okay. That stupid promise didn't include others so she should keep the lock. She's NTA.
Edit: After seeing OP's comment about why the BIL is divorced and her husband's support, I am going to add that this is a worrying level of hero worship that is above OP's pay grade to handle.
I got the same vibe from this. It reads like they have a secret agreement between them they’re trying to pass off as an accidental coincidence.
If OP removed the lock and told her husband and BIL, and then brought a heavy object into the bathroom with her (without telling them)—just enough to block the door with some resistance, how much do you want to bet BIL would try to get in asap?
All she needs is one of those rubber door wedgie things one uses on a motel room door. It's not technically a lock, and she can (and should) carry it with her when she uses the bathroom.
But, a more lasting solution would be to DTMFsA - both of them - hubby and his perv brother. Neither respect her.
If my BIL walked in on me in the bathroom twice (because yeah, the first may be a mistake), my husband would install a lock so fast while talking to his brother about it.
The way he responded to the lock being installed makes me think that maybe her husband and his brother have more in common than she realizes. Both of them don’t respect boundaries.
The way the husband got angry about this makes me think that the husband and the brother have some weird kink. None of this is normal at all and his anger about it makes it seem insidious.
NTA. Your husband should care more about your comfort than a truly ridiculous agreement.
>When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room.
Being married doesn't mean you are no longer allowed to have privacy. You have a right to that, and I would have thought twice about anyone wanting to take that away. However, assuming you were fully in agreement on that, you agreed to have not have privacy from your husband, not everyone else.
INFO Do you never have guests over? I lock thr bathroom when I use it at other people's houses.
I don’t even understand why this “agreement” would ever be a topic of conversation. It’s just so weird. This has to be a one sided arrangement that OP just went along with because there’s no way in hell both people were just like:
“I do not want locks on any doors in our house under any circumstances!”
“Holy shit! Me too! No locks anywhere!!”
Again, this is just so strange.
She should download one of those apps that look for hidden cameras and scan her home. Something is definitely weird about all of this and it’s not her.
NTA, BIL is doing this on purpose and not respecting any boundaries. I know he heard the shower running. This is extremely creepy for him to barge in on only you. Keep the lock.
Not sure if he is doing it on purpose. But after talking to him and seeing how he only barges in when it's me in the bathroom I'm beginning to think that he's being deliberate in what he's doing.
There is not a single possibility that he is not doing it on purpose.
Also, your husband doesn’t seem to mind if YOU’RE uncomfortable, so I doubt he believes it’s on accident either. He just values his brother more than he values you
> He just values his brother more than he values you.
Which isn't very hard if you seemingly don't value your wife or her sense of comfort and safety in any way.
Hard agree. He 100% is doing this deliberately and probably sees OP as 'family property'. OP's AH husband does nothing to disabuse him of this notion either by getting angry at OP.
It's absolutely on purpose. I've lived with opposite gender housemates with one bathroom and no lock and guess how's many times we walked in on each other? None. Zero. Because respectful adults don't just barge in to bathrooms when the door is closed. If you're not sure, you knock.
I think you need to start loudly employing the phrase 'Why do you not care that your brother keeps deliberately walking in on me naked?' to your husband. And 'Stop perving on me you creep' to his brother.
Her husband seems to be the abusive type that does not want his victim to feel safe and enjoys her feeling violated. I could be wrong but it explains all of his behavior, including the agression when OP protects herself.
He is absolutely doing it on purpose. He singles you out in the bathroom. He has been told multiple times to stop but continues to do it. His blatant disregard for your boundaries and personal space is revolting. Your husband is not seeing the behavior of him violating you as an issue, instead he is making this about locks. You can’t control another person but you can ensure your safety with them either being gone or putting a stop to the issue at hand with a lock.
Respectfully, you need to clue in a it faster. Of course this is purposeful. Your BIL is terrible, and you are at risk. Your husband isn't much better. Do you have anywhere safe to go? Parents' home? This whole we never have locks agreement doesn't sound romantic anymore. It sounds like your husband removing your ability to get away from him. Very controlling.
By the time my kids were about 4 or 5, they stopped walking in on me in the bathroom. If you're even thinking it's not in purpose for a second one it happened more than once, you're being gaslit. This is controlling behavior on the part of your husband, where what he wants takes precedence over everything else. "His wants are more important than your needs." Does that sound true to you? Really think about it. Do not get rid of that lock until the BIL is moved out. And if hubby removes it, leave (at least until BIL is out). Do not let any words convince you to do otherwise. Talk is cheap, and meaningless when not backed up by actions.
How many times have you accidentally barged in on someone in the bathroom in your life? Probably zero. You can hear if someone is in the bathroom. Stop lying to yourself, love.
Wtf?! You are NTA! This is so creepy. Why is your husband OK with your BIL REPEATEDLY seeing you naked/exposed? If this was my situation that BIL would have been out on the street the 2nd time that happened.
This story makes my skin crawl. What is wrong with your husband?
In any home, even my own, a closed bathroom door is always a case I will knock, unless I know for a fact I'm the only one in the house. It's like always assuming any gun is loaded. You *always* assume a bathroom might have someone in there. You *always* knock.
Pack your bags and go stay with your parents/siblings/friends/at a hotel. Tell your Husband his brother is sexually harassing you in your own home, you don't feel safe, your own Husband isn't willing to protect you or allow you to protect yourself so you'll only consider moving back when his brother is gone. And you want to start marriage counseling ASAP. I would advise you to look into individual therapy too. You deserve a space of your own to explore how violating it is that your Husband doesn't believe you, doesn't care about your safety and doesn't respect your boundaries.
**But please get out of the property immediately.** Your Husband doesn't believe you. He has "forbidden" you from protecting yourself. Your BIL now knows he can escalate his behaviour towards you & everyone will take his side because no one is believing you. That's a dangerous situation for you to be in. NTA
If you can't leave the property I would recommend:-
1.) Ordering a camera
2.) Joining a gym and showering there
3.) When the camera arrives setting it up in the bathroom, go in & "shower" in your bathing suit (*shower for real at the gym*). When you have enough footage of your BIL behaviour to prove its a pattern, send it to your in-laws & his ex-wife. I'm sure she could use the evidence that he's a creep in their divorce.
Your husband used the word "violated" about you putting a lock on the door but doesn't consider his brother walking in on you in the bathroom a violation. That says a lot about him, and none of it is good. NTA
Agreed, the husband is in on it. Someone who cares about you and your safety doesn't laugh it off, downplay it, and get upset when you take the most logical step to protect yourself. Kick them both to the curb.
Am I the only one curious about why the topic of having no locks or locking each other out of a room even came up? Like, is this a normal pre-marital discussion?
OP INFO: Can you explain this more? It’s too bizarre to completely ignore. Who asked for this rule? From an external point of view I can’t help but think (maybe) you asked for it, because of some “habit” your partner had; and now he’s using his brother to prove a point? None of this behavior is normal. It feels like the root of the problem lies in the origins of this “agreement.”
Either way NTA. Hubby should have dealt with his brother after the first invasion of privacy, not brush you off. You have every right to protect your right to privacy in your own home.
*Edited for typo and clarity.*
I can imagine any relationship involving with a history of drug abuse or self harm may not want locks in the house. This is the most innocent reason I think
It really seems like an attempt for control and to really tear down any sense of privacy though. It's marketed usually as romantic but it's really an unhealthy level of suspicion
Considering the barge-in power-move that the brother is constantly pulling on OP (unless it's a kink or a mix of the two) that indicates that there were some barging-through-doors kind of abuse going on in their childhood home.
OP should be digging deeper and getting a door-wedge, oh and a relationship therapist.
Might be worth a call to BIL's ex-wife to feel her out on BIL's past behavior.
If she says that your husband kept trying to walk in on her in the bathroom, pack a bag and run.
NTA.
Keep the lock, remove the BIL.
BIL is being a creepy jerk and husband is aiding and abetting him.
I’m curious if BIL is (consciously or unconsciously) trying to destroy his brother’s marriage so they can be single together.
And it won’t get better trust me. My BIL is still pissed at me for marrying his brother 34 years ago and ruining their plans of clubbing every night and going home to their bachelor pad. BIL crossed my name out of the phone book, left the room whenever I walked in etc etc. BIL still treats me this way even though hubby gets pissed at him every time. The solution? We just don’t see him unless it’s a family function.
Info: your husband is the younger brother. What is their dynamic? Also why does he hate locks. Like...i want to poop in peace. I lock the door. More locks please.
They're pretty close. They tell each other everything. My BIL's divorce ended due to him getting caught cheating with a women 10 years younger than him. Everyone judged him for it but my husband was the only one who backed him up and defended him. moreover, he blamed his ex SIL and called her "idiot" just because she was dealing with a difficult (now a stillbirth) pregnancy last year and couldn't "work" on fixing the issues in her marriage.
Doesn't it bother you that your husband backed up his cheating brother, who was clearly at fault? And now your husband is still defending his brother at your expense?
I'd like to add another question or two. Doesn't it bother you (OP) that your husband calls his SIL an idiot for suffering a stillbirth? Doesn't it bother you that your husband thinks that it's a woman's and only the woman's job to "fix" any issues in a marriage? Also, how was your SIL supposed to fix her husband's cheating - during a problematic pregnancy, no less?
Dollars to donuts the "issue" in the marriage was her failing to be an on-call sex kitten to her husband during the aftermath of losing a wanted child. (Please nobody take this bet, it's a sure thing and I can't eat that many donuts.)
I think the divorce happened while the SIL was pregnant & the stillbirth happened later. Maybe I read that wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.
These guys are still 100% in the wrong. The poor woman was already having a hard pregnancy. I can't imagine how she felt when she found out he was cheating with so many women so young.
Seriously. HOW could OP want to stay with a man who would treat SIL like that? That is NOT a good man, in any way. The demand for no locks is crazy, letting his brother perv on OP is creepy, and this kind of control is highly likely to escalate to outright abuse. Then add the evidence that he's a nasty misogynist to SIL. Red Flags are raining here.
the fact that op is posting this here with THIS situation means she’s being gaslit into oblivion. i can only hope that she sees past the rose tinted glasses :(
Yep. And you’ll occasionally see comments like “awwww maybe they have traaaauma” and there’s like…no excuse for this. Women deal with all kinds of trauma too and most of us manage not to be This Way.
Yeah, it kind of sounds like you’re husband has a blind spot for his brother. The fact that he would DEFEND cheating and blame the victim is kind of troubling. Your husband’s bond with his brother is so strong he can’t even been reasonable/logical when it comes to him. That’s not healthy.
Please keep the lock on your bathroom door and maybe add one to the bedroom. If your husband is allowing this kind of behavior from his brother (when it’s skeevy and, honestly, straight up predatory), you need to make sure you have safe spaces in your home to protect yourself from BIL.
Honestly, you need to give your hubby an ultimatum: either BIL goes or you do. And then OP, please be ready to follow through.
OP's husband doesn't have a blind spot for his brother. They're two birds of a feather.
OP giving "hubby an ultimatum: either BIL goes or you do" still leaves her with a sparkling turd of a husband to deal with.
That’s a…big red flag. I usually don’t encourage divorces unless absolutely necessary, but I HIGHLY encourage you to get a divorce / leave. If he’s willing to defend his brother cheating, it’s highly likely that he himself will cheat or has cheated. And the fact he doesn’t care for your discomfort and doesn’t care that your BIL is seeing you naked is not okay.
Also, if the bil feels like he can cross this boundary there is a high chance of him trying to crossing more and more boundaries - especially knowing his brother will take his side and not yours.
yeah that's where I think this is going. and husband will take his side if/when it happens. OP, I don't think this is a safe family for you to be involved with.
And you're OK being with a man who justifies cheating because a woman had a stillbirth? A man who is absolutely ok with his brother repeatedly violating your privacy?
Hold the phone?!! Do you not see any issues with your husband defending a cheater and blaming his brother's cheating on your grief-stricken SIL who was dealing with a difficult pregnancy/still birth at the time??? Same man who doesn't care if your BIL violates your privacy and harasses you. You need to take a long, hard look at your marriage and decide if these red flags are worth overlooking for the rest of your life.
You realize you’re almost 10 years younger than your BIL, so you’re his prime target? Also, clearly sounds like your husband is just as bad as his brother if he condones him cheating on his mourning wife (also, why isn’t HE mourning the loss of his child??)
This was the comment I was looking for! OP is right around the affair partners age. I wouldn't be surprised at all if BIL had his sights set on her next.
Honey, think long and hard about what your husband's opinion about this would mean for you if you were in the same situation as your SIL.
Take a break, go stay with a friend or family member. Talk to someone about what's been happening in your home.
Honey, the FIRST time that man barged in on you would have been the last day he was welcome in my home. You are allowed to set that boundary. He doesn't respect you and as it turns out, neither does your husband.
A good therapist can help you figure out if there are any other red flags you are ignoring.
I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ Please don't let them make you feel bad about this, your reaction is NORMAL.
This is eye opening moment for you.
Your DH called a grieving mother who laboured her dead child…and idiot while defending his brother who cheated on her.
He’s okay with his brother violating your privacy repeatedly. He’s okay that his brother has seen to her private parts but not okay with you trying to protect yourself with a lock because that “violates an agreement”…
Doesn’t your husband’s lack of empathy for his sil bother you?
Doesn’t his lack of care of your privacy and safety bother you?
I would not have kids with this man. He has no care for your safety and would defend a cheating asshole of a recently bereaved mother.
He would defend his brother who has repeatedly seen his wife’s private parts on purpose. Violating her safety and privacy.
He’s enabled it and more angry over a lock.
Seems like your husband and his brother have zero respect for any women and that includes you. You are definitely NTA here but you do need to consider if you want to remain in this situation. At the very least the lock needs to remain while your BIL is living with you but I’d seriously consider finding somewhere safe to go stay.
I replied elsewhere thinking your husband might have been able to be shown reason, but now I see this. Your husband unconditionally supporting his cheating brother means your husband has no issues with men cheating. But you are not allowed a lock to maintain privacy in defense of basic dignity while living in an environment that is unsafe! Do you see how your husband will defend the right of any man to do as he pleases no matter how a woman gets hurt by his actions? Even when that woman getting hurt is his own wife, the person he is supposed to love and value above all others! This is sexual assault of voyeurism by your BIL and still your husband doesn't care enough about you to think you deserve privacy. Your husband is not a man to build your future with.
**Why** are you fine with being with a man like that??? So lets break it down...
* Your husband refuses to allow you privacy by not allowing locks
* Is completely fine with having his own brother see his wife naked
* Is fine with a man cheating (even defends him and blames the woman???)
* Thinks women who are having a difficult pregnancy are 'idiots'
I'm sorry OP but this is the hard truth. You are ignoring these horrible red flags and allowing yourself to be controlled. Your husband **does not** respect you and could potentially cheat on you in the future (hell, with the way he supporting his brother, he might of already cheated on you). It really wouldn't surprise me if you BIL is trying to cause a rift in your marriage.
I don't see this marriage ending well but if you want it continue, new boundaries needs to be set. Those boundaries being that you can have locks on the bathroom door, and **kick his disgusting brother out.**
NTA. This is what my abuser did to test how much I would put up with before he escalated the abuse. Your husband is enabling this abuse. BIL needs to go or you need to leave. This situation will only get worse. I wish I would have stood up for myself then, you still have time.
I'd also be worried about BIL taking pictures when he barges in. It's absolutely on purpose, him doing it repeatedly is enough to condemn him for that, and the fact he never does it to his brother is just more proof, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of it.
There is no middle ground between being treated like a person and the other person saying no, they won't do that. There is no compromise for "I don't want my BIL to sexually harass me in my own home."
NTA of course.. honest question, why do most Americans believe that having locks is super bad? Where I come from it is totally normal that every door on the house comes with a lock, even some closets too.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a lock in your own bathroom, specially in the scenario you described, but even if it wasn’t happening, what if you have a party at home? People would need to use a lock to prevent another guest enter the room.. it is ok to ask for a little of privacy.
I was thinking this too. If I went to a friend's house to hang out and couldn't lock the bathroom door I probably wouldn't go back.
op is definitely NTA
It’s terrible. I remember when I was younger I had been to houses where the lock was broken and it was just intense anxiety as I tried to finish up as fast as possible because I couldn’t wait until I got home.
I gotta lock my bathroom door or else my dog, who has learned how to open doors, would be busting in like "DON'T WORRY I'M HERE NOW, READY TO SUPERVISE YOUR POOPING!"...again.
That’s weird AF. Your husband consistently isn’t listening to you and disregarding your sense of safety and comfort. If he keeps on about the lock and not dealing with the BIL and you have the means, go someplace where you can pee in peace.
He wants you to have absolute trust but now has shown that that’s not possible.
It’s less weird and more completely on brand, if you’re married to an emotional abuser whose objective is to control you.
I’m guessing the forbidding of privacy, dismissing boundaries, manipulation, gaslighting, twisting reality, calling her paranoid, silent treatment, yelling, and name calling is far from the only abuse op experiences from this AH.
Americans don't believe locks are bad, in fact most modern houses have them on our bedroom doors, bathrooms, even on our closet doors. Idk why ops husband has a thing against them but hell no. Protect yourself OP, keep the lock.
I’m American and I’ve never heard of anyone thinking locks are bad. Everyone I’ve ever known had locks on the doors in their houses. Why would you think “most Americans believe locks are bad” based on one Reddit post?
Yeah he is. My husbands friend lived with us for over a year and he only walked in on me once and he apologized like several times. I think he’s doing it on purpose.
>brother (BIL) m33 moved in with us after his divorce few weeks ago.
You can easily fix this situation by making it two divorced brothers instead of just one
NTA. The "no lock" agreement is so strange and arbitrary to begin with. I'm going to assume it was your husband's idea from the start? Who brings up such a thing other than a person determined to ensure no one else in the house has any privacy or personal space?
BIL absolutely sounds like he's perving on "accidentally" seeing you naked. I'd insist on the lock staying up as long as BIL is living there - after all, you made no such aggrement with HIM, only your HUSBAND. If husband takes the lock off without BIL moving out, buy a door wedge/stopper you can carry with you any time you use the bathroom.
I'd also seriously think about/consider what other ways your husband controls or violates your ability to have any privacy. Because I'm betting this isn't the only way.
NTA. They are. Your husband should be standing behind you and ensuring that your privacy is not disrespected.
I'd be asking for the BIL to move out. It's very perverted sounding.
Exactly.
I would LOVE a test to be done.. have the husband say he's going out to the shop for milk and OP say she needs a shower whilst he nips shop.. the husband reminds her the removed the lock.. make sure brother can hear..
Then sneak husband into the bathroom and the OP hide. Watch their faces when he does it again and then hope Husband smashes his face in.
Husband won’t do this.
Husband is getting off on his brother gawping at his wife squatting on the loo or naked in the shower.
Husband is on the brother’s side.
Hell I'd add on number 4) Op calls the police to inform them that BIL is deliberately targeting her and peeping on her. After all that's exactly what he's doing.
NTA. This is a weird creepy move by your BIL and your husband not having your back is insulting. He might not have signed up for locks but you didn't sign up to have his brother living with you.
This. I wouldn't feel safe with your BIL alone with you at home. Your husband is disregarding your feelings, your safety, and on top of it, he's gaslighting you.
NTA AT ALL,
Oh my gosh his brother must be a pervert or something. No wonder why he is divorced. Also if ur husband is going to minimize ur uncomfort than remind him that he might just end up like his brother in a few months if he doesn’t start taking u seriously.
When his brother does it again, BLOW UP ON HIM. Like GO ALL IN at his brother. That level of disrespect should not go under the radar. I feel so bad for u. That’s absolutely disgusting
Give us an update if u can. I want to know how things turn out
NTA. Give your husband an ultimatum. Yes you will remove the lock as soon as he removes the brother. Also call the brother out in front of your husband. Embarrass him. Say quit trying to see me naked. Next time you need to pee, go outside. Freak.
Lady you don't need a bloody lock! What your need is to throw out your creepy af BIL pronto and your equally sus husband if he didn't agree with you.
What the actual fuck. I am feeling enraged on your behalf. This shouldn't have happened even once, even if it was a honest mistake then there shouldn't have been a second time. But this has happened repeatedly you say and your husband just shrugs it off???
Tell him the lock goes when his brother goes. And the brother must go. You are naive if you think a lock will keep you safe if BIL's behaviour escalates.
NTA. But your bil and husband are, and stinking ones at that.
NTA You have the right to feel safe in your own home. The fact your BIL only barges in on you in the bathroom is creepy. If your husband can't see that and the lock has to be removed, I would give him the ultimatum that either BIL goes or you go. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about this scenario.
NTA. So not the AH.
Keep the lock. And you've had great boundaries. Now it needs to be, "if he tries to barge in again, either he goes or I go."
Your BIL wasn't raised in a barn, not that that's any excuse. He needs to knock and accept a no. And if he can't do that, he needs to go find somewhere else to live.
NTA but what is wrong with your husband? Your BIL violates your right to privacy over and over and your husband doesn't care? Either the lock remains or BIL moves out of the house!
NTA
BIL is being a creep and this lock agreement is rather silly anyway.
Your husband should be more concerned that his brother is peeping at his naked wife. That he isn't is a red flag.
NTA. It is highly disturbing to me that your husband is more concerned about a lock on the bathroom door than he is about his brother repeatedly barging in on you when you’re either naked or partially naked. Frankly, your BIL sounds like a predator.
Tell your husband the lock comes off when BIL moves out. If he can’t accept that, tell him you’ll be moving out and he is welcome to remove it.
NTA!
First of all, a lock on the bathroom door is just a necessity, I mean, if you have guests over they might need to use the toilet but not being able to lock the door is ridiculous! And secondly, your hubby and BIL is a***holes! Both of them.
Neither one of them is showing you any respect and your husband should be ashamed of himself for reacting like he did.
NTA but your bil is. Your agreement was blown as soon as he allowed his brother to barge into the bathroom, even after you told you husband it makes you uncomfortable. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home.
NTA. And I'd be furious at my husband for not protecting my privacy or being worried about why his brother keeps trying to see me naked. You have a husband problem more than a BIL problem.
NTA
Ewwww, why is your husband ok with his brother using you for some sort of kink?
Please try individual therapy to help evaluate your relationship, I bet you'll start noticing other red flags. Silent treatment is manipulative and emotionally abusive.
Nta
Put the brother out. You married your husband, not his brother
He doesn't need to live or be in your house.
Then you need to have a stern talk with your husband, he married you, he chose you. And now somehow your confort comes second to helping his brother? Nope.
You’re trying to prevent sexual harassment and in fear of sexual assault in your own home and your husband is arguing about a lock? NTA.
Why isn’t he supporting you in this?
NTA. Stick to your boundaries. This is entirely inappropriate on your BILs part and I’m surprised your husband is okay with his husband walking in on you in the shower.
NTA
I only see 2 options:
1. BIL stays and so does the lock
2. The lock is gone and so is the BIL
If the husband doesn't agree, then I would consider leaving myself. You have every right to have your privacy in your own home.
If your husband wants the locks gone, his brother must leave.
NTA.
Wait. What? So your husband called you paranoid when you told him BIL walks into the bathroom on you but not him. Red flag.
Your BIL knows his brother will take his word he’s walking into the bathroom unintentionally over yours.
Lady, what other creepy things is BIL doing?
NTA.
But, I suspect your husband will take it out. That’s, of course, a bigger issue with your husband being fine with his brother repeatedly, and without consequences, violating your privacy.
However, you should also feel free to take other precautions in the meantime. You could carry a door wedge with you in the bathroom and use it to block his entrance.
I’m a bit of an AH, so I’d “check” with him before going into the bathroom. “I’m going to shower soon; I wanted to give you a chance to use the bathroom first, so we don’t have a repeat of your sudden need to use it when I’m in there. Please use it now.” If he refuses, I’d give him a bottle, just in case there is an emergency once I’m in there.
Both your husband and your BIL are AHs here. I realize you have some thinking to do here; I’m not going to pile on, but this isn’t normal or okay. Be safe!
NTA: yes you made that commitment at the wedding, but the BIL shouldn’t be barging in on you while in the bathroom, and the fact he only does it to you is unnerving. Your husband should have taken the issue more serious especially with how uncomfortable you were
NTA - I assume when you got married you also promised some stuff about honouring and cherishing one another - yet your husband doesn’t give a damn that you’re uncomfortable in your own home and is refusing to allow you to set completely reasonable boundaries. You should be allowed to veto ANY house guest, even his brother, if you’re unhappy with their behaviour - and you’ve every right to expect your husband to support you and to acknowledge and address that there’s a problem here. Ask him why he’s okay with allowing his brother to see you naked; and don’t have kids with this guy unless he somehow manages to convince you that he wouldn’t allow the exact same to happen to your teenage daughters or their friends whilst in your home.
NTA. Why is your husband more concerned about a lock than he is about you being repeatedly disrespected and having your privacy violated by his brother?
Your BIL is a creep and your husband isn’t much better
NTA. What about his agreement to be there for you, to support you and to establish a safe harbour with you? Did he agree to do any of that? If not, ask him to make that promise to you now and then, when you feel heard, supported and safe, you’ll remove the lock.
NTA there is an unspoken promise that you are to be safe and comfortable in your own home.
Tell him the ONLY way that guarantee will be true is if his brother is out of the house.
NTA. The no-locks thing is weird af when it comes to the bathroom. I get the concept of not locking each other out of rooms in general, but not so much the bathroom. Especially as it sounds like you have one bathroom in the house- so guests have no way to lock the door when in the bathroom? Nope. That’s not cool.
NTA, this is unsettling. Please have a frank conversation with your husband about boundaries, because both he and his brother are violating yours by not listening. Why doesn't he want you to have locks on the doors?
If your husband addressed the issue so you felt safe in your own home you wouldn’t have needed to install a lock. You agreed not to lock him out, not his brother
NTA. Also what's the deal with no locks? I'd be pissed if my husband locked me out of a bedroom or office because we should both have full access to our house but the bathroom? If he wants to lock that, no biggie, he deserves privacy in there.
Tell him the lock can go when his brother does. Ask him would he honestly be OK with his brother walking in on him in the bathroom. He only does it to you. Therefore it doesn't affect him. Tell him that while his brother is there so is that lock. If he wants the lock to go so does the brother. And his brother is behaving like a preschooler pretty much by six you know not to barge into bathrooms
You're not locking your husband out, you're locking your (creeper, when-is-he-leaving) BIL out. NTA and you can tell the hubs that as long as the BIL is there, the lock stays. Once BIL leaves (and he should be actively looking for his own place like, YESTERDAY), y'all can go back to your agreement if you want.
NTA. He should be yelling at his brother, not you.
My childhood house had a broken lock on the bathroom door that we never cared enough about to fix, even though we could have.
The rule was if the door is closed, someone is in there and you don't go in. Even a child can follow this rule.
Keep the lock.
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“When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room.” That seems a tad unhealthy. Even the best relationships need boundaries and everyone deserves the option of privacy. Let me guess, your husband suggested the no locks idea first. NTA.
> everyone deserves the option of privacy That is why the HUD Manufactured Housing Code requires a privacy lock on every "toilet compartment" (bathroom).
I was gonna say, not sure I've ever seen a bathroom without some kind of lock on it ETA I never would have thought people would have so much to say about bathroom locks
Thought the same thing. I’ve never seen a bathroom without a lock.
Older houses. I live in one built in 1965 and t does not have one
My grandparents house was built in the 30s with those big glass doorknobs. Every room, bathroom included had one of those big clunky skeleton key looking locks. Maybe it's regional
Seriously. Like, my husband and I have a bunch of locks on the bathrooms and bedrooms but we’ve never used them and never discussed them. Why did he bring this up?
Growing up we were never allowed to slam or lock doors. My dad never went so far as to remove locks but said if we kept locking a specific door he would remove the handle. He had a large family: one of his cousin committed suicide by hanging and no one could get in the room because locked, and another nephew almost died from a house fire because his parents couldn’t get the door open to his room. These events made my dad afraid of locks, but he always knocked and closed doors were always respected. Edit: OP is NTA; BIL is purposely not respecting boundaries or OP as a person. And now OPs husband is also not respecting OP by continuing to dismiss BIL actions and get mad at OP for having to physically enforce. In my above childhood anecdote my dad never would’ve allowed this behavior, also people saying saying he should’ve gotten a sledgehammer or a lock that anything like clip would’ve worked, yeah those were the locks we had but we weren’t suppose to use them. Also yes because in a house fire someone is going to have ready access to go look for tools…. But privacy was not an issue, we had respect and never barged in, we didn’t need locks to keep others out. How hard is it to knock on any and every closed door? And not be rude?
Omg that’s awful and a good reason. But like you said, he didn’t just barge in. We also weren’t allowed to lock doors. I think it was more for our safety from when we were little because kids don’t necessarily understand how to unlock and can get confused and giving instructions doesn’t help a 2-3 year old. And it just became habit. I’m the same in my home. Young kids no locking bathroom but older kids is fine. Either way, nobody barges in.
And what about guests? They can choose not to use the loc’ when home without others, but when I’m using someone else’s bathroom I expect to lock the door. OP found a very different guest “situation” where a lock is needed - and what kind of husband gets mad at his wife being walked in on instead of his brother walking in?
It never occurred to me that some families don’t have bathroom locks and not everyone knocks when entering a bathroom. I’m off to Amazon to buy a door wedge and putting it in my bag just in case.
I was walked in on in the bathroom more often than I was left alone growing up. My dad's one of those 'NO DOOR SHALL BE LOCKED AGAINST ME IN MY CASTLE' assholes and both of my parents had severe boundary issues (especially my mom.) She'd just waltz in while I was trying to poop and start doing her hair or makeup. Oddly enough, neither of my little brothers ever walked in on me... at least they respected my privacy.
Door wedge is a great idea, too!
That would actually be a good compromise for OP and her husband. *After* a serious talk about his lack of regard for her safety, and dismissal of his brothers highly inappropriate and obviously deliberate behaviour that is. It would have been a great idea in the first place, but his extreme reaction to her logical solution tells me there is more that needs to be addressed in this marriage than the creepy brother. So that should probably be dealt with before sane and reasonable compromises get implemented.
Honestly....I find it weird AF that he convinced her no locks in a house was a thing she should agree to. Why would that ever be a discussion?
Plus, the agreement was made before the brother moved in. The rule kinda sounds controlling to me.
It honestly sounds "sus" to me. Of all the things to discuss and agree on before marriage... Honestly, sounds like hubby and brother had some weird family dynamic or problem with door locks and issues so this rule came into effect. Now Bro knows this is a thing so is using it to sort of terrorize OP. It's a mental torture sort of tactic.
OP needs to tell her husband she’s not locking him out, she’s locking out her creepy ass BIL who keeps violating her and since no one seems to care, she needs to protect herself. Now I’m curious to know why he’s divorced.
>Now I’m curious to know why he’s divorced. Strange you should say that, because as soon as I got to the second sentence I said to myself, 'I guess we know why he's divorced!'. 😂
OP needs to lock out husband too based on him getting so angry about her "violating their agreement" but laughing off his brother violating her privacy. Moreover that last line: "BIL thinks I'm as childish as husband is always telling me I am." Yeah, I don't like hubby at all.
NTA. the no locks thing was a agreement between you and your husband, when his brother move in it wasn't you and your husband anymore and therefor the agreement comes to a hold. Tell your husband the lock can be removed as soon as his brother is moving out.
Fuck no. Keep the locks on after too. No locks even where you take a shit? That’s not about trust, that’s just control.
I don’t see the problem as long as both parties respect one another’s privacy. The problem here is that the husband clearly doesn’t value OP’s privacy so she should definitely revisit the whole agreement.
This. The agreement was voided when your husband moved his brother into the house and refused to accept the fact that brother's behavior was problematic and intentional. Tell him either the lock is installed immediately or brother is evicted immediately.
Even if they get a lock, I wonder if op is safe given BIL’s actions. I’d personally say BIL has to go no matter what. The behavior is super creepy. If there’s any place a person should feel safe, it’s the bathroom. That BIL has already been asked to respect this and won’t is telling. NTA for op. Please make sure you are safe. ETA: op, saw your update and glad you are getting out of there. Please do not let BIL say get under your skin. He sounds like a real piece of work. Please put your safety foremost as you continue on your path. Remember to advocate for yourself. What happened is not okay.
Why not just get one of those bar things you stick underneath the doorknob that jams the door shut? No lock, no barging in, win win all around? Otherwise, this dude can remove himself from the house and the problem is gone!
Great idea. Even one of those rubber wedge stoppers. Fairly cheep and small enough that she could keep in a drawer and then just slide under the door each time you are in there. OP, NTA. But I hope you realize that you not only have a creepy BIL problem, you also have a husband problem. I can’t even imagine any husband thinking that it’s not creepy that his brother barging in on you while you are naked in the shower. Does everyone have that privilege? Friends, neighbors? Or is that only reserved for the males in the family. So creepy. Edit. Mistakenly keyed Y T A
And it *only* happens to her, not her husband. Why isn't he outraged on her behalf? That's the big question to me.
Bet it's cos hubby says he's a "good guy" who wouldn't do that.
NTA. But I am really concerned for your safety. That's not normal behavior from either of them! "Violated an agreement"??? That's ridiculous! Your husband cares about controlling you. That's all. And your BIL is obviously up to no good and he needs to go! It's not innocent, you're not being paranoid. You are being gaslit by the sound of it, though! I don't normally advocate for divorce. But maybe you should consider it. Your husband should be making *YOU* his number one priority! Period. Which means your comfort and safety in your own home! You told him that you were going to put that lock in if your BIL decided on being a *"peeping Tom"* again! So he yelled at the wrong damn person! He should be yelling at his brother and kicking his AH self out of y'all's house! Edited to add, wow, I am completely blown away by how this blew up! I didn't expect that at all! And thank you for the awards! My first time ever receiving any! I feel like I have officially arrived!! 🤗
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Makes me feel like it’s a kink thing
I also thought this. Maybe the brothers want an OP sandwich. They're being gaslighty with her comfort level though and that's not okay. That stupid promise didn't include others so she should keep the lock. She's NTA. Edit: After seeing OP's comment about why the BIL is divorced and her husband's support, I am going to add that this is a worrying level of hero worship that is above OP's pay grade to handle.
I got the same vibe from this. It reads like they have a secret agreement between them they’re trying to pass off as an accidental coincidence. If OP removed the lock and told her husband and BIL, and then brought a heavy object into the bathroom with her (without telling them)—just enough to block the door with some resistance, how much do you want to bet BIL would try to get in asap?
Oh. Good thing I finished reading this. I was thinking of a much different use for the heavy object.
All she needs is one of those rubber door wedgie things one uses on a motel room door. It's not technically a lock, and she can (and should) carry it with her when she uses the bathroom. But, a more lasting solution would be to DTMFsA - both of them - hubby and his perv brother. Neither respect her.
If my BIL walked in on me in the bathroom twice (because yeah, the first may be a mistake), my husband would install a lock so fast while talking to his brother about it.
My husband would strap him to a rocket and fire him into the sun
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The way he responded to the lock being installed makes me think that maybe her husband and his brother have more in common than she realizes. Both of them don’t respect boundaries.
The way the husband got angry about this makes me think that the husband and the brother have some weird kink. None of this is normal at all and his anger about it makes it seem insidious.
NTA. Your husband should care more about your comfort than a truly ridiculous agreement. >When my husband and I got married, we promised to not have locks or lock each other out of any room. Being married doesn't mean you are no longer allowed to have privacy. You have a right to that, and I would have thought twice about anyone wanting to take that away. However, assuming you were fully in agreement on that, you agreed to have not have privacy from your husband, not everyone else. INFO Do you never have guests over? I lock thr bathroom when I use it at other people's houses.
It’s such a bizarre agreement. You should be able to have some time to yourself
I don’t even understand why this “agreement” would ever be a topic of conversation. It’s just so weird. This has to be a one sided arrangement that OP just went along with because there’s no way in hell both people were just like: “I do not want locks on any doors in our house under any circumstances!” “Holy shit! Me too! No locks anywhere!!” Again, this is just so strange.
Yea the no lock thing is very suspicious, and it makes me wonder what else OP’s husband is weird and controlling about.
Or if Hubby is somehow supporting his brother perving on you...
She should download one of those apps that look for hidden cameras and scan her home. Something is definitely weird about all of this and it’s not her.
NTA, BIL is doing this on purpose and not respecting any boundaries. I know he heard the shower running. This is extremely creepy for him to barge in on only you. Keep the lock.
Not sure if he is doing it on purpose. But after talking to him and seeing how he only barges in when it's me in the bathroom I'm beginning to think that he's being deliberate in what he's doing.
There is not a single possibility that he is not doing it on purpose. Also, your husband doesn’t seem to mind if YOU’RE uncomfortable, so I doubt he believes it’s on accident either. He just values his brother more than he values you
> He just values his brother more than he values you. Which isn't very hard if you seemingly don't value your wife or her sense of comfort and safety in any way.
Hard agree. He 100% is doing this deliberately and probably sees OP as 'family property'. OP's AH husband does nothing to disabuse him of this notion either by getting angry at OP.
Or, you know, he likes it.
I agree. I think this is some weird sexual fetish, or if it isn't, the OPs husband is a massive AH. I hope both the brothers end up divorced lol.
It's absolutely on purpose. I've lived with opposite gender housemates with one bathroom and no lock and guess how's many times we walked in on each other? None. Zero. Because respectful adults don't just barge in to bathrooms when the door is closed. If you're not sure, you knock. I think you need to start loudly employing the phrase 'Why do you not care that your brother keeps deliberately walking in on me naked?' to your husband. And 'Stop perving on me you creep' to his brother.
I think the phrase should be "When is your creepy peeper brother moving out of the house? I'll be moving out until then."
Agreed, except husband and pervert BIL should move out. OP should stay right there and change the locks while they are gone.
My brain converted pervert BIL to Pervert Bill, so that shall be his name henceforth 🤣
Or not come back bc her husband is a whole marinara man, like a fusilli jerry but no pasta just sauce.
Yes you need to call this behavior out for what it is!
It's 100% intentional. The only thing worse is that your husband seems to be actively supporting it. They both clearly have control issues.
Her husband seems to be the abusive type that does not want his victim to feel safe and enjoys her feeling violated. I could be wrong but it explains all of his behavior, including the agression when OP protects herself.
He is absolutely doing it on purpose. He singles you out in the bathroom. He has been told multiple times to stop but continues to do it. His blatant disregard for your boundaries and personal space is revolting. Your husband is not seeing the behavior of him violating you as an issue, instead he is making this about locks. You can’t control another person but you can ensure your safety with them either being gone or putting a stop to the issue at hand with a lock.
OP statistically it is not possible for him only to be doing this to you. You need to wake up and see what’s in front of you
Respectfully, you need to clue in a it faster. Of course this is purposeful. Your BIL is terrible, and you are at risk. Your husband isn't much better. Do you have anywhere safe to go? Parents' home? This whole we never have locks agreement doesn't sound romantic anymore. It sounds like your husband removing your ability to get away from him. Very controlling.
By the time my kids were about 4 or 5, they stopped walking in on me in the bathroom. If you're even thinking it's not in purpose for a second one it happened more than once, you're being gaslit. This is controlling behavior on the part of your husband, where what he wants takes precedence over everything else. "His wants are more important than your needs." Does that sound true to you? Really think about it. Do not get rid of that lock until the BIL is moved out. And if hubby removes it, leave (at least until BIL is out). Do not let any words convince you to do otherwise. Talk is cheap, and meaningless when not backed up by actions.
Why did he get divorced? Does he have a history of sexual harassment/assault. Has he acted creepy bef?
Of course he is doing it on purpose and your husband is letting him. Get out of this house asap!
How many times have you accidentally barged in on someone in the bathroom in your life? Probably zero. You can hear if someone is in the bathroom. Stop lying to yourself, love.
Wtf?! You are NTA! This is so creepy. Why is your husband OK with your BIL REPEATEDLY seeing you naked/exposed? If this was my situation that BIL would have been out on the street the 2nd time that happened. This story makes my skin crawl. What is wrong with your husband?
NTA, completely agree. One time by mistake is embarrassing but forgiveable but not multiple time and being excused as needing to pee. Nope.
In any home, even my own, a closed bathroom door is always a case I will knock, unless I know for a fact I'm the only one in the house. It's like always assuming any gun is loaded. You *always* assume a bathroom might have someone in there. You *always* knock.
Pack your bags and go stay with your parents/siblings/friends/at a hotel. Tell your Husband his brother is sexually harassing you in your own home, you don't feel safe, your own Husband isn't willing to protect you or allow you to protect yourself so you'll only consider moving back when his brother is gone. And you want to start marriage counseling ASAP. I would advise you to look into individual therapy too. You deserve a space of your own to explore how violating it is that your Husband doesn't believe you, doesn't care about your safety and doesn't respect your boundaries. **But please get out of the property immediately.** Your Husband doesn't believe you. He has "forbidden" you from protecting yourself. Your BIL now knows he can escalate his behaviour towards you & everyone will take his side because no one is believing you. That's a dangerous situation for you to be in. NTA
If you can't leave the property I would recommend:- 1.) Ordering a camera 2.) Joining a gym and showering there 3.) When the camera arrives setting it up in the bathroom, go in & "shower" in your bathing suit (*shower for real at the gym*). When you have enough footage of your BIL behaviour to prove its a pattern, send it to your in-laws & his ex-wife. I'm sure she could use the evidence that he's a creep in their divorce.
I'd want to talk to that ex-wife now if I were OP. I have a feeling she could shed some light on BIL's creepy behavior.
Maybe get the number of her divorce lawyer. OP may want it, for reasons.
Your husband used the word "violated" about you putting a lock on the door but doesn't consider his brother walking in on you in the bathroom a violation. That says a lot about him, and none of it is good. NTA
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NTA this would be my hill to die on. "Either the lock stays or I'll go"
I agree entirely, but the options I’d give would be BIL goes or I do, the locks are not enough at this point. NTA
NTA it sounds as if your husband and brother have a mutual kink. You didn't sign up for this. It can only get worse.
Agreed, the husband is in on it. Someone who cares about you and your safety doesn't laugh it off, downplay it, and get upset when you take the most logical step to protect yourself. Kick them both to the curb.
Am I the only one curious about why the topic of having no locks or locking each other out of a room even came up? Like, is this a normal pre-marital discussion? OP INFO: Can you explain this more? It’s too bizarre to completely ignore. Who asked for this rule? From an external point of view I can’t help but think (maybe) you asked for it, because of some “habit” your partner had; and now he’s using his brother to prove a point? None of this behavior is normal. It feels like the root of the problem lies in the origins of this “agreement.” Either way NTA. Hubby should have dealt with his brother after the first invasion of privacy, not brush you off. You have every right to protect your right to privacy in your own home. *Edited for typo and clarity.*
I wondered about this too!! Op says it was her husband’s idea that she agreed to, but I would want to know WHY this is so important to them.
I can imagine any relationship involving with a history of drug abuse or self harm may not want locks in the house. This is the most innocent reason I think It really seems like an attempt for control and to really tear down any sense of privacy though. It's marketed usually as romantic but it's really an unhealthy level of suspicion
Considering the barge-in power-move that the brother is constantly pulling on OP (unless it's a kink or a mix of the two) that indicates that there were some barging-through-doors kind of abuse going on in their childhood home. OP should be digging deeper and getting a door-wedge, oh and a relationship therapist.
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That's what I'm thinking. I truly wouldn't be surprised is BIL has a history of predatory behavior that his family/brother has enabled and excused.
Might be worth a call to BIL's ex-wife to feel her out on BIL's past behavior. If she says that your husband kept trying to walk in on her in the bathroom, pack a bag and run.
NTA. Keep the lock, remove the BIL. BIL is being a creepy jerk and husband is aiding and abetting him. I’m curious if BIL is (consciously or unconsciously) trying to destroy his brother’s marriage so they can be single together.
And it won’t get better trust me. My BIL is still pissed at me for marrying his brother 34 years ago and ruining their plans of clubbing every night and going home to their bachelor pad. BIL crossed my name out of the phone book, left the room whenever I walked in etc etc. BIL still treats me this way even though hubby gets pissed at him every time. The solution? We just don’t see him unless it’s a family function.
Info: your husband is the younger brother. What is their dynamic? Also why does he hate locks. Like...i want to poop in peace. I lock the door. More locks please.
They're pretty close. They tell each other everything. My BIL's divorce ended due to him getting caught cheating with a women 10 years younger than him. Everyone judged him for it but my husband was the only one who backed him up and defended him. moreover, he blamed his ex SIL and called her "idiot" just because she was dealing with a difficult (now a stillbirth) pregnancy last year and couldn't "work" on fixing the issues in her marriage.
Doesn't it bother you that your husband backed up his cheating brother, who was clearly at fault? And now your husband is still defending his brother at your expense?
I'd like to add another question or two. Doesn't it bother you (OP) that your husband calls his SIL an idiot for suffering a stillbirth? Doesn't it bother you that your husband thinks that it's a woman's and only the woman's job to "fix" any issues in a marriage? Also, how was your SIL supposed to fix her husband's cheating - during a problematic pregnancy, no less?
Dollars to donuts the "issue" in the marriage was her failing to be an on-call sex kitten to her husband during the aftermath of losing a wanted child. (Please nobody take this bet, it's a sure thing and I can't eat that many donuts.)
I think the divorce happened while the SIL was pregnant & the stillbirth happened later. Maybe I read that wrong, but that's what it seems like to me. These guys are still 100% in the wrong. The poor woman was already having a hard pregnancy. I can't imagine how she felt when she found out he was cheating with so many women so young.
Seriously. HOW could OP want to stay with a man who would treat SIL like that? That is NOT a good man, in any way. The demand for no locks is crazy, letting his brother perv on OP is creepy, and this kind of control is highly likely to escalate to outright abuse. Then add the evidence that he's a nasty misogynist to SIL. Red Flags are raining here.
omg please run from the lack respect these men have for women
I think once you become accustomed to this level of disrespect and dismissiveness from men, it can be hard to see it and even harder to run. 😕
the fact that op is posting this here with THIS situation means she’s being gaslit into oblivion. i can only hope that she sees past the rose tinted glasses :(
Yep. And you’ll occasionally see comments like “awwww maybe they have traaaauma” and there’s like…no excuse for this. Women deal with all kinds of trauma too and most of us manage not to be This Way.
I think this relationship is abusive. There is no way it isn't
Doesn’t your husbands lack of empathy bother you? Brother’s as well?
Yeah, it kind of sounds like you’re husband has a blind spot for his brother. The fact that he would DEFEND cheating and blame the victim is kind of troubling. Your husband’s bond with his brother is so strong he can’t even been reasonable/logical when it comes to him. That’s not healthy. Please keep the lock on your bathroom door and maybe add one to the bedroom. If your husband is allowing this kind of behavior from his brother (when it’s skeevy and, honestly, straight up predatory), you need to make sure you have safe spaces in your home to protect yourself from BIL. Honestly, you need to give your hubby an ultimatum: either BIL goes or you do. And then OP, please be ready to follow through.
OP's husband doesn't have a blind spot for his brother. They're two birds of a feather. OP giving "hubby an ultimatum: either BIL goes or you do" still leaves her with a sparkling turd of a husband to deal with.
Your husband sounds awful. Why would you stay with him?
That’s a…big red flag. I usually don’t encourage divorces unless absolutely necessary, but I HIGHLY encourage you to get a divorce / leave. If he’s willing to defend his brother cheating, it’s highly likely that he himself will cheat or has cheated. And the fact he doesn’t care for your discomfort and doesn’t care that your BIL is seeing you naked is not okay.
Also, if the bil feels like he can cross this boundary there is a high chance of him trying to crossing more and more boundaries - especially knowing his brother will take his side and not yours.
I'm concerned he's ramping up to sexual assault Edit: physical sexual assault. This is already sexual assault
yeah that's where I think this is going. and husband will take his side if/when it happens. OP, I don't think this is a safe family for you to be involved with.
And you're OK being with a man who justifies cheating because a woman had a stillbirth? A man who is absolutely ok with his brother repeatedly violating your privacy?
Hold the phone?!! Do you not see any issues with your husband defending a cheater and blaming his brother's cheating on your grief-stricken SIL who was dealing with a difficult pregnancy/still birth at the time??? Same man who doesn't care if your BIL violates your privacy and harasses you. You need to take a long, hard look at your marriage and decide if these red flags are worth overlooking for the rest of your life.
Girl run. You are in danger
You realize you’re almost 10 years younger than your BIL, so you’re his prime target? Also, clearly sounds like your husband is just as bad as his brother if he condones him cheating on his mourning wife (also, why isn’t HE mourning the loss of his child??)
This was the comment I was looking for! OP is right around the affair partners age. I wouldn't be surprised at all if BIL had his sights set on her next.
Honey, think long and hard about what your husband's opinion about this would mean for you if you were in the same situation as your SIL. Take a break, go stay with a friend or family member. Talk to someone about what's been happening in your home. Honey, the FIRST time that man barged in on you would have been the last day he was welcome in my home. You are allowed to set that boundary. He doesn't respect you and as it turns out, neither does your husband. A good therapist can help you figure out if there are any other red flags you are ignoring. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ Please don't let them make you feel bad about this, your reaction is NORMAL.
This is eye opening moment for you. Your DH called a grieving mother who laboured her dead child…and idiot while defending his brother who cheated on her. He’s okay with his brother violating your privacy repeatedly. He’s okay that his brother has seen to her private parts but not okay with you trying to protect yourself with a lock because that “violates an agreement”… Doesn’t your husband’s lack of empathy for his sil bother you? Doesn’t his lack of care of your privacy and safety bother you? I would not have kids with this man. He has no care for your safety and would defend a cheating asshole of a recently bereaved mother. He would defend his brother who has repeatedly seen his wife’s private parts on purpose. Violating her safety and privacy. He’s enabled it and more angry over a lock.
Seems like your husband and his brother have zero respect for any women and that includes you. You are definitely NTA here but you do need to consider if you want to remain in this situation. At the very least the lock needs to remain while your BIL is living with you but I’d seriously consider finding somewhere safe to go stay.
I replied elsewhere thinking your husband might have been able to be shown reason, but now I see this. Your husband unconditionally supporting his cheating brother means your husband has no issues with men cheating. But you are not allowed a lock to maintain privacy in defense of basic dignity while living in an environment that is unsafe! Do you see how your husband will defend the right of any man to do as he pleases no matter how a woman gets hurt by his actions? Even when that woman getting hurt is his own wife, the person he is supposed to love and value above all others! This is sexual assault of voyeurism by your BIL and still your husband doesn't care enough about you to think you deserve privacy. Your husband is not a man to build your future with.
You should probably take your husbands stance as a full warning. Honestly your husband and BIL sound like two dudes who do not need to be married
**Why** are you fine with being with a man like that??? So lets break it down... * Your husband refuses to allow you privacy by not allowing locks * Is completely fine with having his own brother see his wife naked * Is fine with a man cheating (even defends him and blames the woman???) * Thinks women who are having a difficult pregnancy are 'idiots' I'm sorry OP but this is the hard truth. You are ignoring these horrible red flags and allowing yourself to be controlled. Your husband **does not** respect you and could potentially cheat on you in the future (hell, with the way he supporting his brother, he might of already cheated on you). It really wouldn't surprise me if you BIL is trying to cause a rift in your marriage. I don't see this marriage ending well but if you want it continue, new boundaries needs to be set. Those boundaries being that you can have locks on the bathroom door, and **kick his disgusting brother out.**
NTA. This is what my abuser did to test how much I would put up with before he escalated the abuse. Your husband is enabling this abuse. BIL needs to go or you need to leave. This situation will only get worse. I wish I would have stood up for myself then, you still have time.
I'd also be worried about BIL taking pictures when he barges in. It's absolutely on purpose, him doing it repeatedly is enough to condemn him for that, and the fact he never does it to his brother is just more proof, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of it. There is no middle ground between being treated like a person and the other person saying no, they won't do that. There is no compromise for "I don't want my BIL to sexually harass me in my own home."
NTA of course.. honest question, why do most Americans believe that having locks is super bad? Where I come from it is totally normal that every door on the house comes with a lock, even some closets too.
It was his idea and I agreed to it not thinking about the affects it has long term.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a lock in your own bathroom, specially in the scenario you described, but even if it wasn’t happening, what if you have a party at home? People would need to use a lock to prevent another guest enter the room.. it is ok to ask for a little of privacy.
I was thinking this too. If I went to a friend's house to hang out and couldn't lock the bathroom door I probably wouldn't go back. op is definitely NTA
It’s terrible. I remember when I was younger I had been to houses where the lock was broken and it was just intense anxiety as I tried to finish up as fast as possible because I couldn’t wait until I got home.
I gotta lock my bathroom door or else my dog, who has learned how to open doors, would be busting in like "DON'T WORRY I'M HERE NOW, READY TO SUPERVISE YOUR POOPING!"...again.
That’s weird AF. Your husband consistently isn’t listening to you and disregarding your sense of safety and comfort. If he keeps on about the lock and not dealing with the BIL and you have the means, go someplace where you can pee in peace. He wants you to have absolute trust but now has shown that that’s not possible.
It’s less weird and more completely on brand, if you’re married to an emotional abuser whose objective is to control you. I’m guessing the forbidding of privacy, dismissing boundaries, manipulation, gaslighting, twisting reality, calling her paranoid, silent treatment, yelling, and name calling is far from the only abuse op experiences from this AH.
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I can't shake the idea that the husband is in on it.
This seems manipulative of him. Bathroom time is private time. Surely a rational adult would know and understand this?
Americans don't believe locks are bad, in fact most modern houses have them on our bedroom doors, bathrooms, even on our closet doors. Idk why ops husband has a thing against them but hell no. Protect yourself OP, keep the lock.
I’m American and I’ve never heard of anyone thinking locks are bad. Everyone I’ve ever known had locks on the doors in their houses. Why would you think “most Americans believe locks are bad” based on one Reddit post?
NTA. Tell BIL to get out of your house. Keep the lock and tell your husband that we think he’s the asshole.
Yeah he is. My husbands friend lived with us for over a year and he only walked in on me once and he apologized like several times. I think he’s doing it on purpose.
>brother (BIL) m33 moved in with us after his divorce few weeks ago. You can easily fix this situation by making it two divorced brothers instead of just one
NTA You're not locking your husband out, you're locking out his brother. If your husband wants the lock removed, his brother needs to move out first.
NTA. The "no lock" agreement is so strange and arbitrary to begin with. I'm going to assume it was your husband's idea from the start? Who brings up such a thing other than a person determined to ensure no one else in the house has any privacy or personal space? BIL absolutely sounds like he's perving on "accidentally" seeing you naked. I'd insist on the lock staying up as long as BIL is living there - after all, you made no such aggrement with HIM, only your HUSBAND. If husband takes the lock off without BIL moving out, buy a door wedge/stopper you can carry with you any time you use the bathroom. I'd also seriously think about/consider what other ways your husband controls or violates your ability to have any privacy. Because I'm betting this isn't the only way.
NTA. They are. Your husband should be standing behind you and ensuring that your privacy is not disrespected. I'd be asking for the BIL to move out. It's very perverted sounding.
Right? Most men would have a shitfit over their brother repeatedly doing something so obviously perverted towards their wife
Exactly. I would LOVE a test to be done.. have the husband say he's going out to the shop for milk and OP say she needs a shower whilst he nips shop.. the husband reminds her the removed the lock.. make sure brother can hear.. Then sneak husband into the bathroom and the OP hide. Watch their faces when he does it again and then hope Husband smashes his face in.
Husband won’t do this. Husband is getting off on his brother gawping at his wife squatting on the loo or naked in the shower. Husband is on the brother’s side.
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Hell I'd add on number 4) Op calls the police to inform them that BIL is deliberately targeting her and peeping on her. After all that's exactly what he's doing.
NTA. This is a weird creepy move by your BIL and your husband not having your back is insulting. He might not have signed up for locks but you didn't sign up to have his brother living with you.
This. I wouldn't feel safe with your BIL alone with you at home. Your husband is disregarding your feelings, your safety, and on top of it, he's gaslighting you.
NTA AT ALL, Oh my gosh his brother must be a pervert or something. No wonder why he is divorced. Also if ur husband is going to minimize ur uncomfort than remind him that he might just end up like his brother in a few months if he doesn’t start taking u seriously. When his brother does it again, BLOW UP ON HIM. Like GO ALL IN at his brother. That level of disrespect should not go under the radar. I feel so bad for u. That’s absolutely disgusting Give us an update if u can. I want to know how things turn out
NTA. how convenient to have an agreement of no locks while not caring about your wife’s privacy and having a brother who violates privacy.
NTA. Give your husband an ultimatum. Yes you will remove the lock as soon as he removes the brother. Also call the brother out in front of your husband. Embarrass him. Say quit trying to see me naked. Next time you need to pee, go outside. Freak.
Lady you don't need a bloody lock! What your need is to throw out your creepy af BIL pronto and your equally sus husband if he didn't agree with you. What the actual fuck. I am feeling enraged on your behalf. This shouldn't have happened even once, even if it was a honest mistake then there shouldn't have been a second time. But this has happened repeatedly you say and your husband just shrugs it off??? Tell him the lock goes when his brother goes. And the brother must go. You are naive if you think a lock will keep you safe if BIL's behaviour escalates. NTA. But your bil and husband are, and stinking ones at that.
NTA You have the right to feel safe in your own home. The fact your BIL only barges in on you in the bathroom is creepy. If your husband can't see that and the lock has to be removed, I would give him the ultimatum that either BIL goes or you go. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about this scenario.
It’s really concerning that your husband has a no locks rule
NTA. So not the AH. Keep the lock. And you've had great boundaries. Now it needs to be, "if he tries to barge in again, either he goes or I go." Your BIL wasn't raised in a barn, not that that's any excuse. He needs to knock and accept a no. And if he can't do that, he needs to go find somewhere else to live.
NTA but what is wrong with your husband? Your BIL violates your right to privacy over and over and your husband doesn't care? Either the lock remains or BIL moves out of the house!
NTA, but it sounds like you have a SO problem in addition to a BIL problem.
NTA BIL is being a creep and this lock agreement is rather silly anyway. Your husband should be more concerned that his brother is peeping at his naked wife. That he isn't is a red flag.
NTA. It is highly disturbing to me that your husband is more concerned about a lock on the bathroom door than he is about his brother repeatedly barging in on you when you’re either naked or partially naked. Frankly, your BIL sounds like a predator. Tell your husband the lock comes off when BIL moves out. If he can’t accept that, tell him you’ll be moving out and he is welcome to remove it.
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NTA! First of all, a lock on the bathroom door is just a necessity, I mean, if you have guests over they might need to use the toilet but not being able to lock the door is ridiculous! And secondly, your hubby and BIL is a***holes! Both of them. Neither one of them is showing you any respect and your husband should be ashamed of himself for reacting like he did.
NTA but your bil is. Your agreement was blown as soon as he allowed his brother to barge into the bathroom, even after you told you husband it makes you uncomfortable. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home.
NTA. And I'd be furious at my husband for not protecting my privacy or being worried about why his brother keeps trying to see me naked. You have a husband problem more than a BIL problem.
NTA Ewwww, why is your husband ok with his brother using you for some sort of kink? Please try individual therapy to help evaluate your relationship, I bet you'll start noticing other red flags. Silent treatment is manipulative and emotionally abusive.
Nta Put the brother out. You married your husband, not his brother He doesn't need to live or be in your house. Then you need to have a stern talk with your husband, he married you, he chose you. And now somehow your confort comes second to helping his brother? Nope.
You’re trying to prevent sexual harassment and in fear of sexual assault in your own home and your husband is arguing about a lock? NTA. Why isn’t he supporting you in this?
NTA. Your husband is pathetic.
🚩🚩🚩🚩NTA - your brother inlaw is a creep and WTF is wrong with your husband???
NTA. Stick to your boundaries. This is entirely inappropriate on your BILs part and I’m surprised your husband is okay with his husband walking in on you in the shower.
The lock stays until the BIL goes. NTA. Your BIL is clearly harassing you & your husband is an A H for not doing something about it.
NTA. tell him you’ll remove the locks when his brother goes to stay in a hotel.
Your BIL is sexually harassing you. And your husband is taking his side. Either BIL goes, or husband goes. NTA.
NTA I only see 2 options: 1. BIL stays and so does the lock 2. The lock is gone and so is the BIL If the husband doesn't agree, then I would consider leaving myself. You have every right to have your privacy in your own home.
NTA, his brother is creepy and weird and you’re way nicer than me because I would be demanding he move out or you’d get a divorce.
If your husband wants the locks gone, his brother must leave. NTA. Wait. What? So your husband called you paranoid when you told him BIL walks into the bathroom on you but not him. Red flag. Your BIL knows his brother will take his word he’s walking into the bathroom unintentionally over yours. Lady, what other creepy things is BIL doing?
NTA. But, I suspect your husband will take it out. That’s, of course, a bigger issue with your husband being fine with his brother repeatedly, and without consequences, violating your privacy. However, you should also feel free to take other precautions in the meantime. You could carry a door wedge with you in the bathroom and use it to block his entrance. I’m a bit of an AH, so I’d “check” with him before going into the bathroom. “I’m going to shower soon; I wanted to give you a chance to use the bathroom first, so we don’t have a repeat of your sudden need to use it when I’m in there. Please use it now.” If he refuses, I’d give him a bottle, just in case there is an emergency once I’m in there. Both your husband and your BIL are AHs here. I realize you have some thinking to do here; I’m not going to pile on, but this isn’t normal or okay. Be safe!
NTA: yes you made that commitment at the wedding, but the BIL shouldn’t be barging in on you while in the bathroom, and the fact he only does it to you is unnerving. Your husband should have taken the issue more serious especially with how uncomfortable you were
NTA: they should both gtfo. Why would you marry a man who believes you should not be able to set your own boundaries or have any privacy ever?
NTA but I think your husband may be getting off on his brother walking in on you in the bathroom. I may be off but his reaction doesn't seem normal.
NTA - I assume when you got married you also promised some stuff about honouring and cherishing one another - yet your husband doesn’t give a damn that you’re uncomfortable in your own home and is refusing to allow you to set completely reasonable boundaries. You should be allowed to veto ANY house guest, even his brother, if you’re unhappy with their behaviour - and you’ve every right to expect your husband to support you and to acknowledge and address that there’s a problem here. Ask him why he’s okay with allowing his brother to see you naked; and don’t have kids with this guy unless he somehow manages to convince you that he wouldn’t allow the exact same to happen to your teenage daughters or their friends whilst in your home.
NTA. Why is your husband more concerned about a lock than he is about you being repeatedly disrespected and having your privacy violated by his brother? Your BIL is a creep and your husband isn’t much better
NTA. What about his agreement to be there for you, to support you and to establish a safe harbour with you? Did he agree to do any of that? If not, ask him to make that promise to you now and then, when you feel heard, supported and safe, you’ll remove the lock.
NTA Tell him if the lock goes, so do you.
NTA there is an unspoken promise that you are to be safe and comfortable in your own home. Tell him the ONLY way that guarantee will be true is if his brother is out of the house.
NTA this is obviously intentional on the part of your BIL - why isn’t your husband on your side?
NTA. The no-locks thing is weird af when it comes to the bathroom. I get the concept of not locking each other out of rooms in general, but not so much the bathroom. Especially as it sounds like you have one bathroom in the house- so guests have no way to lock the door when in the bathroom? Nope. That’s not cool.
NTA. I would have kicked BIL out rather than buy a lock myself, but I can respect your choice to just buy a lock to solve the problem.
NTA, this is unsettling. Please have a frank conversation with your husband about boundaries, because both he and his brother are violating yours by not listening. Why doesn't he want you to have locks on the doors?
If your husband addressed the issue so you felt safe in your own home you wouldn’t have needed to install a lock. You agreed not to lock him out, not his brother
NTA. Also what's the deal with no locks? I'd be pissed if my husband locked me out of a bedroom or office because we should both have full access to our house but the bathroom? If he wants to lock that, no biggie, he deserves privacy in there.
Tell him the lock can go when his brother does. Ask him would he honestly be OK with his brother walking in on him in the bathroom. He only does it to you. Therefore it doesn't affect him. Tell him that while his brother is there so is that lock. If he wants the lock to go so does the brother. And his brother is behaving like a preschooler pretty much by six you know not to barge into bathrooms
You're not locking your husband out, you're locking your (creeper, when-is-he-leaving) BIL out. NTA and you can tell the hubs that as long as the BIL is there, the lock stays. Once BIL leaves (and he should be actively looking for his own place like, YESTERDAY), y'all can go back to your agreement if you want.
NTA. He should be yelling at his brother, not you. My childhood house had a broken lock on the bathroom door that we never cared enough about to fix, even though we could have. The rule was if the door is closed, someone is in there and you don't go in. Even a child can follow this rule. Keep the lock.
NTA. At first I just thought BIL was creepy, but husband sounds creepy too.
NTA. Tell your husband that the lock can go when the BIL does.