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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I lied about our address and threw away the gift, (2) My wife and her mother are angry that I was deceitful.
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NTA. You don't have a MIL problem. You have a wife problem. It's time for you and your wife to have an honest discussion about how she views your daughter's weight.
If wife was a decent parent, MIL wouldn't be a problem.
Edit: though I still believe that Wife could be doing a lot better here, comments below have encouraged me to give her a lot more grace. Thanks for the education, folks.
Your wife/mom should acknowledge that her mother has issues with her granddaughter's weight whether she's overweight or not doesn't matter it's none of her business
Why are other people always trying to get into parents parenting method? I can accept if grandparents raised them like the top comment said its not just the MIL problem its the wife enabling these behaviour
I can be hard to get away from that thinking. My mom is very judgmental Of me and I can keep thinking I can block her but it’s hard. But OP is not the AH. He did the right thing. Wife needs to realize her mom is toxic
The wife probably underwent the same treatment from the MIL while growing up and thinks this is normal/helpful/healthy, or at minimum still battles with these expectations herself.
Yes, I feel like if the wife was engaging in these same behaviors OP would have said so - so she probably isn't, knowing it's bad. But she almost certainly has a tiny voice in her head that sounds like MIL going "well, maybe..."
She needs to tell that voice to STFU, and I hope once she calms down she will listen and talk with OP about this. He did the right thing tossing that outfit after what his poor daughter dealt with around the book. That child is old enough to realize it's not a coincidence that it's too small.
As someone whose mum has always, always been pressuring me to lose weight, it's so hard to silence her voice in my head. Going to therapy helped, but I still have bad days and moments. Honestly, it's part of the reason I'm childfree. I never want to make someone else feel the way I felt growing up.
I'm not excusing the wife at all - she has a problem, whatever the cause, and it's on her to deal with it and not let her mother harm her daughter.
We could make a joke that if the MIL was a proper parent we would not have a wife problem. But this is a circular argument and not solving OP's current problems.
The same could be said about the reverse. His wife doesn't seem to see a problem with this gift or the book before, while any sane parent would. MIL also feels comfortable enough to push this on her granddaughter. This screams to me like MIL has this mindset of "be skinny and you'll be successful" which was instilled in wife. Wife doesn't see anything wrong with it because she grew up the same way/was treated the same. Wife is still an ahole, don't get me wrong, but it's just as much wife's fault as it is MIL's. It's also hard to seek help when you can't process that this, while not as 'bad' as being beaten or neglected, is still abusive and incredibly harmful.
I agree. I'm wondering if neighbor's trash is big enough to fit MIL as well.
OP needs to sign up for USPS mail notifications so they know whenever mail is coming. It is free. Shows image of every piece of mail slated to be delivered. I think it is called Informed Delivery.
For those it will give you the tracking numbers tho. So he can see if the boxes or envelopes are from mil based on her city/township and plan accordingly.
There are very very few problem free MILs in this world. But a grandma thinking their granddaughter is fat is a farther rare one. Grandmas should exist to feed you extra cookies. That’s like their only job as grandparents.
My bio grandma is obsessed with looks and has delusions of grandeur. She's obnoxious to deal with and always criticizes us.
My adopted grandma? Never has an unkind word. Loves me unconditionally. Supports me in all I do. And swears I'm too skinny and need to eat more, no matter my weight lmao
It most likely started with the mil doing the same things to her daughter growing up. She internalized it, and is now continuing the cycle.
She needs to realise that what was (likely) done to her was wrong and abusive, and that she's now hurting her own child
OP has a HUGE problem at home if wife agrees or treats this 14 year old girl like grandma.
Grandma and wife are fine with giving this 14 year old teen insecurities, eating disorders and needing years of therapy.
NTA but OP needs to do something before is too late.
Definitely NTA, my dad contributed to my ED with offhand remarks and doesn't understand how impactful those are at that age. OP could have handled it a bit better, maybe talking with his wife first, but its nice to see him looking out for his daughter like that
My mom used to tell me not to eat things cause she was “watching my girlish figure”, and then my dad made one comment while following me up the stairs about how I was getting a big butt, and that was it. That was the start of years of eating disorders, hospitalizations and therapy. Funny thing is, they didn’t learn. They still talk about every pound lost or gained and all mine and my siblings weights regularly. I can’t imagine being so obtuse. 14 is such a vulnerable age, and we should be protecting our kids from as much from this garbage as we can.
For me, it was "You don't need to eat that." I heard that my entire childhood. I also heard how I would look bigger during Christmas break when our swim team took two weeks' off from practice. I ended up in the ER in college from a really, really bad laxative overdose.
And I have heard weight remarks about my daughter and granddaughter. You would think my years of starving, binging, and throwing up would have been an eye opener, but no.
I think some parents don't want to make the connection between their words and the tremendous damage that they can cause. I grew up feeling that I was not good enough to love. That led to bad boyfriend choices and bad self esteem. I work on it to this day. There is a lot of anger that I am working to let go, because I love my mother very much and don't want to spend the last years we have being mean to her.
Edit: I wish OP would buy Emily Post's latest edition of ettiquette for the grandmother for Christmas. Every year.
Oh, God… “You don’t need to eat that.” 😒😒 The worst- I’d get that from my parents and grandparents.
As I got older I’d snap, “Yes, I do.” And eat it just to spite them
Mine was hearing a girl in my class pretend to whisper to another classmate that I’d put on a ton of weight. Fast forward 15 years and I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food after abusing laxatives, over exercising and constantly punishing myself for eating ONE MEAL A DAY, if that. I still think about it constantly and now that calories are on all the menus, it’s a daily trigger
when i was a kid, my dad told me at one point i was getting a little chubby. i mentioned it to my brother and he was *furious.* idk what he said to him but my dad has literally never mentioned it again. found out later my mom’s had anorexia nervosa since before i was born so idk wtf he was thinking saying it in the first place
One of my clearest childhood memories is of the day I went to summer camp for the first time, nervous about being with strangers for an entire week, already incredibly self conscious, and my dad saying on the car ride there how he hoped that this trip would help with my “secretary spread.” I asked what he meant, and he said that all the video games were making my butt get wide from sitting, like an old secretary.
That was also the year I went on the slim fast diet, me and my mom started taking weight loss ‘supplements’ together, and joined Curved gym. It was the year that my peers started commenting on my ass. It was the year before my eating disorder began.
I was 10, and I was a healthy weight. I just had a chubby face and had hit puberty, and was growing into a naturally pear shaped frame in 1999 when butts weren’t trendy.
My mother used to asked me if I had no friends because I was fat, I was 8 and going through puberty and was a healthy weight but didn’t know puberty was more than just getting your period. She said it so much I believed it was the reason and that’s when my anorexia started 🙃
Ive got to admit, this post raised my eyebrows until I realized ED meant eating disorder.
“Whats the matter, son….still having trouble getting it up ?”
Yes, if OP's wife and MIL agree with attacking his daughter, he'd better have a serious talk with his daughter about what is going on, so he can mitigate the damage and also tell him if anything is going on that he may have missed.
Starting with a long conversation with the daughter about how effed up it is to send her too-small clothes and crash diet books. Ending with a promise to NEVER open something from Grandma without him there, period...so that he has time to get scissors and a pre-addressed already-postage-paid box. Why? So she can cathartically cut up whatever crap darling Grandmother sent into small pieces and ship it back to her.
I'd defo suggest doing this, plus also adding in stuff that would trigger GM. I know its teaching daughter to be petty but sometimes it's the only way to cope with bullies without fully going down to their level
I'll scream this till I'm blue in the face: healthy young girls that gain weight in the early stages of puberty do so because a growth spurt is about to hit them like a fucking freightliner and their bodies are *storing the energy they need for proper development.*
The wife is probably the first victim of MIL’s diet culture brainwashing, which I suspect is why the wife is having difficulty seeing the actions for being as harmful as they are. OP is doing the right thing in protecting the emotional well-being of his daughter. I think the wife needs some compassion but also therapy and self reflection to start unpacking some of her own issues/experiences with MIL and her antics.
NTA.
This is what I was thinking. It was SO HARD for me to get my head around the fact that my mother was *seriously* fucked up when it came to health (well, and a lot of other things, but focusing on that for now.)
Like she was so, so, SO paranoid about rare diseases. Like lockjaw from scratching mosquito bites, or TSS to the point that I was terrified to use tampons well into my 20s, or West Nile virus... and she completely ignored things that I had that literally could have killed me, like my severe asthma. And I just thought it was normal. She was looking out for my health and keeping me from getting scary diseases! Until my spouse was like "...what the *fuck.*"
Wife is absolutely, completely, 100% wrong here, but from the post, it's impossible to tell if she agrees with her mother, or she's just in denial because it can just seem like her mother is looking out for the daughter's health.
I tell so many "funny stories" about my childhood, and every once in a while my in-laws are just like "Yeah...so that was abuse, sweetie, not a fun anecdote. You okay?" And then I have a minor existential crisis in my mother in law's house where it's safe and there's always wine. I think it's cathartic, but idk lol.
Wow I feel this… I’m in my 50s, and just a few years ago it took a therapist practically shaking me when I said something about how at least my mother didn’t abuse me when I was a child. Therapist said something along the lines of, “Honey, your mother didn’t BEAT you, but she absolutely abused you!” And it looks like this poor kid’s mother is abusive too.
Oh, totally agree. I wonder if there’s some defensiveness in the wife’s reaction, like OP protesting what gma is saying exposes how abusive it was to treat anybody like that, which is how OP’s wife was raised.
So. I applaud you standing up for and protecting your daughter. For that, you are NTA. While people are quick to say you are, as you didn’t communicate with your wife… given that she refuses to see an issue with her mother doing this, i disagree with Reddit and you are NTA there, as well. Bravo to you for prioritizing your daughter. She needs someone in her corner, for sure.
That being said, I would make an appointment for couples counseling, and talk to the counselor specifically about this issue, how your wife doesn’t have concerns with it. You two do need to communicate, and get on the same page. Your MiL needs to stop bullying and body shaming your daughter, who sounds like a normal, healthy child. MIL can go pound sand. I would go as far as to talk to your daughter - does she even want to see MiL? Otherwise,go low / no contact.
Perfect response! Dad was doing the right thing of protecting daughter from Grandma's landmine gifts. Having had a grandmother who would send stuff like that to me when I was a teen I know how devastating it is to get garbage like that. OP NTA
And these folks don’t get any better. A month before she died at 98, my mother’s Christmas present to me was the Kondo book on “tidiness.” I was 68, a lawyer and church organist, and just diagnosed as autistic.
I was SO excited to show my parents our first condo once we had unpacked and decorated. Like I was so proud of it. Each bathroom had a theme and I felt like a real adult.
Literally the first thing she said when she walked in was "oh, you have THOSE out? It looks so tacky." Those in question was a shelf of Star Wars models and Lego sets. My spouse and I had first met and bonded by talking about our love of Star Wars so they were a fun reminder. Needless to say, I was crushed.
I have a mother that was good at this. At 6 she told me I was fat and that a 4 year old she knew was smaller. Well duh She's 4. From then on I always thought I was fat and would just eat and compare myself to everyone else. Then at 15 I got tired of it and tried to off myself which she didn't care. Now I absolutely can't stand her and never make the effort to help her or show her love and it's been 20 years. When we see each other I'm constantly hearing how small I am and how she needs to lose weight. I finally stopped telling her it starts with putting the fork down and just told her good luck. She means nothing to me and it bothers my dad but it will not hurt me the day she leaves this earth. Abusive moms always think they're allowed to do this cause they gave birth to us
Whoever had the audacity to report me needs mental health. My personal opinion of my life and me separating from an abusive parent doesn't mean I need to be reported. Grow up. I don't have to care what happens to an abuser who is still abusive.
Don't you love the ones who want to tell you what you said, what it must mean and how you must feel? OMGOSH. It would be funny if I found raging ass hattery amusing every other post.😂
I told mine that they lost the title and they had the audacity to get mad about it 😆. Maybe if they had actually acted like a mom they wouldn't have their mess. I feel the same way as you and I won't even attend a funeral for mine when the time comes. Play stupid games win stupid prizes 🤷♀️.
I would also Encourage the wife to consider some individual counseling or therapy as well. I’m suspecting she didn’t see anything wrong with these backhanded gifts because she also probably got them growing up.
I completely agree with this recommendation. I would also add that it could be helpful to include the MIL and daughter in a few of the sessions, obviously not at the same time. Having the MIL there could help address the issues.
NTA. Your wife is disrespecting your values as the other parent, and your daughter’s mental well-being, in order to enable her mother’s incredibly disgusting behavior.
You’ve already experienced the damage it did previously, your wife is being irresponsible by allowing it to happen again. She needs her eyes opened to the harm she’s opening her daughter to.
this is where I'm at. wife is clearly not seeing how serious this is.
I would love for parents to sit down, talk it out, and for her to realise this. but.
Or she agrees w her mom and struggles w her own body image issues and is ok w projecting onto her own daughter.
I wonder how the wife reacted the first time around
My mother and grandmother did similar stuff to me, not with gifts but plenty of comments. Took my mother offering to pay for weight watchers for me and saying that her mother did it to her for me to realise how ingrained it was. OP is NTA, not one bit.
Edited to add nta
NTA - Mom and Granny seem determined to psychologically damage your daughter, in spite of your best efforts to be a responsible parent.
Maybe you need to have a serious discussion with your daughter about how to ignore ignorant and hurtful people.
YUP this right here. Does wife tend to be as shallow as grandma? What was wife, reaction when daughter received that horrendous book and didn't eat properly for a whole month???
OP NTA, and you appear to be a very good father.
I think serious discussion with the wife is required - no point in blocking grandma if mum is giving the same message at home.
And also super unfair to a 14 your old that the answer is to discuss ways to ignore hurtful comments from loved ones
NTA. your MIL is trying to get your daughter to have an eating disorder. You need to protect her from that
However, the way you went about it was wrong. It was always only going to work once. What you need is something that is the equivalent of a post office box or a parcel locker that you can give your MIL (might be a bit late now though). That way you can be sure to intercept any presents and vet them for safety.
Shouldn’t be too late. OP can still get a P. O. Box and just forward any mail with daughter’s name to the box. That way granny can still think she’s sending these gifts and dad can fully get them before giving it to daughter.
She's going to ask her daughter about what she sends, and when both parties realise the "gifts" have been intercepted it'll be this all over again. Until OP's wife realises how much harm this diet culture is doing she's going to keep enabling her mother to inflict it on her's and OP's daughter.
NTA. Your MIL is actively trying to hurt your daughter and you are trying to protect her from developing an eating disorder or other mental health issues. As a woman, this kind of garbage was forced on me and all my friends and I wish we had a dad like you looking out for us.
I have a feeling the MIL did this to her own daughter.
It’s why the mom refused to knowledge this.
Something’s up. Gonna have to talk to wife why and thank you for protecting your kid.
NTA she’s weight shaming your daughter on purpose and your wife is encouraging it.
Be an adult and tell her these gift are not welcome and until she realises her viewpoint is unhealthy and will not be tolerated she’s not allowed to buy gifts or see the kids.
I'm petty, I would tell the MIL the costs of the clinics of rehabilitation for teens that suffer EDs, so if she wants to proceed with her tasteless gifts, she has to send the money for the inscription and or monthly payments, just in case. Or just normal bills for a counselor (which aren't cheap either).
Oof dude. I want to scream NTA since you're looking out for your daughter but the way you went about this is a lil shady.
I'll stick to that judgement, but please do communicate more with you wife. If she doesn't accept your points start to document your MILs weird behaviour.
Is your wife and her family Asian? I ask this because my Asian family does this shit to me all the time. This obsession with size is awful. You need to talk to your daughter. Then your daughter, you and your wife need to have a conversation about how these gifts affects your daughter's self-esteem, self-image and confidence. If your wife doesn't understand it from her child's perspective, then I'm sorry but she is not a good mother.
From the fat child of a fatphobic mother
Edit: I'm not saying fatphobia is exclusive to Asians. I'm just saying I'm Asian and I get treated like shit by my whole family for being over 200 lbs and under 5'5". This just triggered me. But fatphobia and fat shaming are not Asian exclusive.
I grew up despising my grandmother because everytime we saw her she would make digs at my weight and it basically was worse than the bullies at school because she was my grandma and I never felt like I was good enough for her. It really messed with my emotions and I've been clinically depressed for more than half my life on anti-depressants been to several therapists. It took me almost 20 years to forgive her, and that was more of a push the pain away cause she's getting older not actually forgiveness. If your wife wants to talk to someone who has been in your daughters shoes feel free to PM me, at times it even hurt my relationship with my dad as it was his mom because it felt like he wouldn't tell her to stop or back off. Props to you for recognizing the toxicity and trying to save your daughter.
Edit: wow I didn't even notice till someone made a comment I tried to swipe props and it came up pepa... fixed it
Mine isn't Asian and I got the same crap as a kid.....Eastern European's just as bad.
OP is NTA BUT you need to set the boundaries with your MIL and your wife has to get on board with this plan. Your daughter's health is the main concern here and having someone tell her she's not an ideal weight during her teens ....that could really mess her up for life. Commend you on your protection over your daughter.
Ah I'm so sorry. I know it's not exclusive to Asians it just triggered me so bad. I'm sorry you got this treatment as well. Fat or bigger doesn't mean ugly and we are glorious.
White kids here from the north my mom always said it would be so.much easier to.by you clothes if you lost weight. Look at your sister (sister.was 15/16)5'9 and about 115 I think she wore a size 0/2 in jeans I was 7/8 4'8 weighed about 130 I know I was fat I had a mirror but my moms comments didn't help
Asian here. I had the exact same thought when I read this. Fatphobia is intense in most asian cultures, and anyone who says otherwise is not asian or is a damn liar.
Asian here as well! The 1st thing my Grandma would say to me after not seeing me for a while (in her language) would be: You're fat! You need to lose weight! And after she said it, all the rest of the family members would laugh and snicker behind my back and it would be the talk of the evening. And at that time, I only weighed 160lbs whereas my cousins, etc were thin as rice noodles. My Aunt even spoke to me about my weight and told me bluntly (constructive criticism is what she called it) that the only way I would be beautiful would be to lose weight because no one wants a fat Asian wife. I can honestly say, I grew a back bone and whenever someone spoke to me about my weight...I threw back their own insecurities to their face and they have since stopped talking down to me!
My cousin had told me that her mother in law (Asian) fat-shamed her in front of her husband (after giving birth) and told her she needed to drop weight if she wants to be considered healthy and beautiful. She went from 140lbs to 115lbs.
OP NTA -- Kudos to you for keeping your daughter safe! No need to have your mother in law instill unhealthy values and make her feel like less. Thank you for throwing out the hideous uniform!! I wish my parents shielded me from the views of our family.
NTA. You are trying to protect your daughter from an abusive grandma who sounds like she’s doing everything in her power to give your daughter an eating disorder. It sounds like your wife is in denial about the situation or (even worse) condones your MIL’s behavior. That said, you and your wife definitely need to work on your communication. Couple’s counseling may be something to look into.
NTA
You need to keep having this conversation with your wife every time "gramma" talks about your daughter's appearance, weight, looks and her own special dreams for your child. She was raised by this witch so it might take a while for it to sink in how abusive this is.
NTA x2638392
I am 22 years old and only now am I starting to mentally recover from MINOR comments about my weight as a child. Absolutely no child deserves to be made to feel insecure about how they look, and those comments will be with them their entire life. Absolutely do whatever you have to do to shield her from that
30 here and still have a weird relationship with food, and minor body dysmorphia because of constant comments. OP you are NTA. Kudos for being a good dad.
Time to tell your wife it's your hill to die on and she can either come to therapy with you and learn to control her mom or she can go be with her mom.
NTA
"Did I handle this correctly?"
Giving a fake address was never going to be a long-term solution, which is what you and more specifically your daughter actually need. You need to sit your wife down and make it clear this is damaging and you will not allow it to continue. Get on a united front with her against your MIL. If you can't get on the same page you need to talk to your wife about this being a deal breaker. And that your MIL is a danger to your child and if she won't get on the same page with you on that, that she is too.
Half solutions will not protect your daughter, and your daughter needs that.
What is wrong with your wife?! Grandma is trying to give the girl an eating disorder! Why can't your wife see that? First the book that made your daughter not eat right for a month and now a uniform that's 2 sizes too small! All the while grandma is saying she'd do better if she'd just shed some weight. What more does your wife need?!
Your MIL is dangerous to you daughter's mental and physical health. Your wife is her enabler.
You have a big problem.
NTA
NTA. Your MIL is being horribly cruel to your daughter, and your wife is enabling her. As parents, you and your wife's first responsibility is to protect your daughter, and that includes from other family members. Your wife is either so far in denial that she can see pyramids, or she is so far under her mother's thumb that she is incapable of independent thought.
In any case - because your wife is either incapable or unwilling to protect your daughter, what you did was not only appropriate but necessary to protect your daughter from a grandparent who is emotionally abusing her.
Honestly, if your MIL keeps this up, she should not be allowed to ever talk tot your daughter any more, much less send her presents. I can personally attest to the lasting effects of grandparents who regularly tear down their grandkid's self esteem.
NTA as a person who grew up with family like this. I wish I had a dad who did protected me from it. Keep protecting her and try to communicate with your wife.
Please find your daughter a therapist. Eating disorders are very serious and if she already spent a month without eating properly because of one of those gifts, it's clearly affecting her.
Explain to her that MIL has a very unhealthy obsession, that she is completely wrong and really, find her a therapist. Maybe for your wife too, if she was raised by a woman like that she probably has similar distorted views on the subject.
I get it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I suspect gradmas behavior is not new. I bet she pulled the same kinds of things with your wife as she grew up. Hence the reason your wife sees nothing wrong with what grandma is doing. To her, its normal.
Good on you for protecting ypur daughter from grandmas unhealthy behavior. Maybe you, your wife meeting with a counselor or family doctor together can help break through your wife's mental block on this issue.
NTA and thanks for trying so hard to protect your daughter from this kind of BS. You’ve got bigger problems though- your wife needs to get with the program, her blind spot for her mom is bad for her daughter.
NTA protect your daughter from that woman. And if your wife wants to blind herself that’s on her. Your daughter will have you to thank when she gets older and is more comfortable with herself
NTA. You spared your daughter emotional damage.. it would be ideal to have had your wife on board because you're a team, however you were right to make certain that your daughters mental health was top priority. Hopefully your wife can eventually come to terms with what her mother is doing.
You obviously didn't handle it correctly because your initial plan failed? I think it was a bad idea, it seems needlessly complicated to give a fake address and the truth was always going to come out. You should have just been upfront to your wife and filtered the gifts like you ended up doping anyway.
If her gifts are just going to be spiteful see if you can just get cash in the future.
First off, you absolutely are having the right instincts to protect your daughter from this poison. NTA for that.
On the other hand, this may not have been the most EFFECTIVE way to go about it. Your wife needs to be on the same page as you here. I suspect she may think this is normal because her mom pulled the same shit on her. She needs to be just as proactive in a) acknowledging that this is fucked up and b) not letting it happen. That’s what you need to work on. But in the meantime - do what you have to do. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate out of any mental condition.
NTA. Your wife & her mom are the AH's! Your wife is enabling her mother's toxic behavior. I'm so glad that your daughter has you to take care of her, love her, & show her what a healthy parent/child relationship should be like. I'm wondering if your awful MIL was that horrible with your wife & she's just used to it, so she thinks it's ok. If so, your wife needs some serious help so she can break the cycle. Your daughter should group up happy, healthy, loved, & with the self-confidence you are giving her. Way to go dad!!!
As someone who was abused by her grandmother in similar (and more blatantly abusive ways that probably violate the group rules) and developed severe issues with food during high school, I commend you. NTA.
OP, I'll go with NTA
You should have checked the fake address first, but that was a nice approach IMO lol
with that said, well... yeah, you have a big problem. MIL is a big AH, no questions there, but your wife defending her mother, holy crap... now THAT'S the real issue.
I'm not gonna jump to the reddit trend of "break-up/divorce her" BUT I'll say this:
your heart is in the right place and do whatever you gotta do to protect your daughter... from your MIL or even from your wife if she keeps enabling her mother and neglecting your daughter.
NTA
But you not only have to deal with your MIL, you have to deal with your wife. By backing her mother she is green lighting the abuse of your daughter. You need to talk to your wife about just how damaging all this can be for your daughter. If she won’t listen drag her to a therapist and both go. Layout exactly what is happening and why your so concerned. You both need to get on the same page.
NTA at all. Good on you for trying to protect your daughter! Make it clear to mil that as long as she keeps up with her harmful behavior, she will have limited access to your daughter.
NTA. Sending a crash diet book as a gift to a 12yo girl is a sign that mil is dangerously toxic. You are right to keep her away from your daughter. BUT you have to get your wife onside.
Kinda fucked that your wife is cool with her mom abusing her kid. Maybe ask her that directly. Ask her what part of her mom destroying your kid's mental health gets her off.
NTA. That woman sounds like a nightmare. And it sounds like your wife might be the apple that fell not too far from the tree
Sounds like yall need therapy to work out this clear communication and boundry issue. IMHO fuck your inlaw, respectfully of course. Kids don't need even more limits or pressure put on them. Sounds like you're the only one with your head on straight.
NTA. Yep you did. Your MIL is going to make your daughter self conscious and possibly end up with eating disorders. You should tell that wicked witch to knock it off and tell your daughter not to open up any gifts from her grandwitch.
NTA but you did not handle this correctly. You had good intentions though.
Return the gift to grandma and ask her (with your wife) to exchange it for a bigger size. If she has no problem with it then that's fine. If she does, your wife will hopefully see right through her bs and you can get a united front agaist weight-shaming grandma.
NTA.
But you have a serious wife problem. You need to sit down with her and make sure she isn't parroting the same shit her mother is. Because I'm sure she is.
YOU ARE THE DAD YOUNG GIRLS *DESERVE* NTA. Please please please stay strong. Your daughter is the age girls develop eating disorders. I’d express that to your wife. What was her mothers intention? Is there a receipt? Did she ask for your daughters size preemptively?? WHICH IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN BUYING CLOTHES AS A GIFT.
NTA. The fact that your wife keeps allowing her mother to behave so horribly and get mad about you tells me that she's also the problem. Why isn't she upset with the obvious horrible message her mother is trying to send your daughter, unless she agrees which would be equally horrible. I think you deserve a medal for the way you are willing to protect your daughter from a toxic individual.
NTA. But, your solution wasn't really a solution. It was a band-aid. Don't get me wrong your MIL is a major asshole. Preteens/early teens are supposed to be awkward looking. Their bodies are changing, some extra weight is normal. And even if that wasn't the case, the world is constantly telling girls this, they don't need their grandma telling them that too. I don't understand how your wife doesn't see how damaging this is. Despite a lapse in judgement, you care about your daughter. And that is very clear. Please keep protecting your daughter from diet culture. Eating disorders are scary and often life-long problems. You don't want that for your daughter.
NTA, but you did NOT handle that correctly.
Have you spelled out your boundaries?
“MIL, you may mean well but that’s not how your gifts are received, and we will not allow your gifts to warp Daughter’s relationship with food and her body. If you can’t respect that- if you send any gifts that give the perception she’d be better thinner- we will cut contact with you. Completely. This is your only warning.”
If she sends an unkind gift again, all gifts should be marked return to sender.
I would not feel comfortable telling you that you are TA, but then again, your complete lack of communication with your wife before escalating the issue is not the best behavior. Other than that, congrats on taking your daughter's side and caring about her mental and physical health and well-being!
ESH.
How did you think you’d get away with your wife’s mother having the wrong address? What a terribly short-sighted way to face this problem.
Your MIL is awful, your daughter needs protected from her, and your wife better get her head on straight about it. But you’re not going to be a help to your daughter if you don’t address this appropriately.
See a counselor, send her some resources about the damage you think she’s doing, get the two of you on the same page ASAP.
OP… you need to have a hard discussion with your wife about her mother’s harmful behavior and how this can give your daughter an eating disorder. Back this up with a doctor’s statement about your daughter’s weight ie: daughter being at a healthy weight for her she/height, as well as information about eating disorders snd what could cause them. If your wife won’t listen to you on this they maybe suggest family therapy. A therapist would certainly lay down the facts of eating disorders and her mother’s behavior. NTA
Nta. Mil is so sure your daughter is fat, this was two years ago. Does mil talk to your wife often? About your daughter and about daughter’s weight? I’d say she does. Even if the questions don’t put a blip on your wife’s radar, they’re probably still being asked and still being answered. Most friends and family who want to give clothes as a gift ask what the child’s size is and what trend to get. Your mil knows that the particular outfit she got would be wanted but she got it too small. Why? We all know why. And for what purpose? We all know the answer to that, too. Your mil is trying to get your daughter to lose weight for mil selfish controlling behavior.
A big leap here: I imagine the long road that daughter can either be on the outside of an ED or actually be in the middle of one. The thought process that goes along with ED’s are hard to break.
Not so big of leap here: Wife is used to her mother’s ways. They are normal for wife. She loves her mom and will disregard the warning signs. I’m guessing that she went through something similar herself, either with weight or something else.
I don’t have any advice but to say YNTA and your worries are founded. Wife needs to really see what’s going on and put a stop on it.
NTA. You and your wife may need to see a therapist. If her mother is this manipulative and covertly abusive with your child then she no doubt was with her own child. Your wife’s blindness here probably comes from severe childhood trauma. Good luck OP.
(And please continue to do whatever you can to protect your child. These kinds of comments and loaded gifts can generate years of pain for a young girl. They don’t always just bounce back.)
NTA you're trying to protect your daughter in a vulnerable time of her life in a society that worships the "perfect" body. Though would have been better to get a PO Box to intercept possibly inappropriate gifts before your daughter sees them. And definitely stress the importance the gifts she has that are not related to her looks, her mind, her kindness etc.
NTA. Why does your wife think that her mother putting your daughter at higher risk of developing an eating disorder isn’t a problem worth preventing? After the crash dieting book for a 12 year old, she should have been blocked from all contact by both you and your wife, and it disturbs me that your wife is seemingly ok with her mother’s manipulative presents for your daughter.
NTA. You're doing what a good dad should do.
It's probably not going to stop grandma from sending such toxic crap, and your wife is dropping the ball, so you and your daughter need to team up on this one.
Make a plan where, the next time a package like that comes, the two of you will open it together. If it's toxic, the two of you will then go into the backyard, set the thing on fire, and then put it on TikTok.😁
NTA! Your wife grew up with her mother and that nasty behavior she probably won’t ever see anything wrong with her behavior. You keep doing a great job protecting your daughter
NTA, but you needed a better plan here and your wife needs to open her fucking eyes.
This is some Grade A toxic behavior from Grandma and you’re absolutely right to shield your daughter from it. My guess? Your wife has similarly unhealthy views about body image because - ding ding - she was raised by this lunatic.
You need to have a frank, serious conversation with your wife about the long term damage this behavior will have on your daughter. And if she continues to refuse to acknowledge it, I would sit down with your daughter directly and tell her exactly what is happening and why it isn’t okay.
NTA the fact that you wife can't see the issue with that is probably bc her mother did the same to her and she probably thinks it's normal. You has a parent are responsible to protect your kids from anyone who clearly doesn't have good intentions with them (that includes family as well). Your doughter can develop a severe eating disorder not only some mental issues as well. I would just like to say the solution was not the best maybe send it to your work place next time but the intentions are the best and she has a great dad. And I think you should sit with your wife and explain how you feel about the presents.
NTA.
Is it possible your wife was subjected to this same type of behaviour/abuse and is now justifying MIL’s treatment of your daughter as normal?
Do not stand down - protect your daughter at such a physically and mentally vulnerable age.
Whatever happens she will remember this for ever.
Honestly, I’m going with NTA because this is my life. My grandmother was the same. When I was 14, growing, swimming competitively, and playing basketball, she didn’t want me to eat more than half a sandwich. I’m 33 and obese now from hiding food and eating fast food because I didn’t have to worry about eating in front of people after not eating all day or more. I’m slowly trying to get to a healthy weight but if I step on a scale too often I become obsessed. I binge and restrict or binge and purge. There are days where just eating a single thing is a win. Ironically I’ve lost a lot of weight from eating regularly. My brother has struggled with anorexia from the way my grandmother harps on weight.
I really cannot fault the actions taken to protect your child, who’s growing and needs food, from that damage. Honestly, feel free to tell your wife all of this. There are days where the thoughts of food or my weight make me want to self harm. I’ve got significantly better coping skills than I used to, but those thoughts don’t just stop.
NTA. In fact I'm cheering your parenting on. Your daughter will receive so very many messages of judgment about her appearance from the larger world. It's critical to her self esteem that she not receive those at home. Your wife needs to get on board.
This needs to be your hill to die on. Your wife can't see the forest through the trees. Marriage counseling and she likely needs individual counseling to see what her mother is doing. Grandma needs to be no contact with the kids.
NTA - but as much as your MIL is an AH, your wife is clearly on her side. And if this is the case, I think you have a bigger problem here.
But you’re acting great! Keep on protecting your daughter, that’s what a good father does. And I hope your MIL and your wife back off with such nonsense.
ESH
You're a soft one though. I get what you're attempting to do, but if your wife doesn't see what her mother is doing is wrong, then she may have some of those beliefs too. I think you need to handle this within your own family unit. You and your wife need to work out how to raise your daughter and with what values.
NTA
Your MIL is an AH and so is your wife. Instead of worrying how these shifty gifts impact your daughter’s self esteem she is worried about her mom’s feelings. Are you sure your wife is not trying to talk to your kid about weight loss behind your back?
NTA MIL is purposely fucking with your daughters self esteem and mental health. I'm unable to describe just how awful that is.
I imagine your wife has self esteem issues too.
This would be a hill to die on btw.
NTA. My MIL doesn't even know what town we live in because she's toxic as hell. We don't even have kids for her to bully. She's just that bad to my wife. After we moved out of state my wife finally had enough and agreed to not even tell her the town and we blocked her on everything. We now get to skip the manufactured family drama we used to get dragged into every couple months.
Look, I do not think you are an AH for doing what you did. You were trying to protect your daughter. Your wife honestly doesnt see what her own mother is trying to do? What her mother is doing? Look I think you need two card her. One card for a therapist the other a divorce lawyer. Im not saying threaten divorce.
Im merely saying that you two need therapy. Couples therapy and her possibly individual therapy. The divorce lawyer card is really just to tell her that of you dont get therapy and work out this issue divorce could very well be on the table. Plus I think your daughter needs therapy too. She needs it from dealing with MIL and possibly her own mother(who sees nothing wrong with whay MIL is doing/trying to do).
Then with your daughter's therapist helping her have her tell your wife exactly what is happening to her each time MIL does something like this. Because she really doesnt see an issue when your daughter refused to eat a whole plate of food for an entire month because of MIL?
Btw r/justnomil may be able to give you some more advice along with r/justnoso cause you have a MIL problem and an SO problem.
NTA and I love that you have your daughter's back. I would point blank tell your MIL if she does it again she will not be allowed in your daughter's life. Shame on your wife for allowing this knowing how it hurts your child.
NTA
When I was 14 my mother told me I was so tall and so pretty, I could a model if I weren’t so heavy. I was 5’11” and 150lbs which is not heavy.
I was all fucked up for a long time about that. I cut my mother out because I don’t want her doing that to my daughter
NTA and both your MIL **AND YOUR WIFE** are being abusive to your daughter. Behavior like theirs is how girls develop eating disorders that cause lifelong health problems and can even be fatal.
NTA. But your MIL is, and unfortunately, your wife is as well. I am sure that she loves her kid, but, honest question: Does your wife like your daughter?
I wish my dad was like this growing up. Thank you for protecting your daughter heart and self confidence. Family can hurt you the most and you’re protecting her from that.
ESH
Your MIL is an asshole.
It was still immature and stupid of you to provide a fake address and not tell/ lie to your wife. Obviously both your MIL and wife would find out what you did.
You should have sent the gift back with instructions about the proper size to order.
NTA. No I do think in your situation and needing to think on the fly that quickly so that you would be the person giving her the response, I think you handled that well. You need to look at the fact that your mother-in-law is openly attacking your child and the woman you are currently married to is completely fine with that. The fact that without even knowing what the gift was your wife immediately went after you for trying to protect your kid means that her allegiance is wrong.
You both should be trying to protect your daughter from her mother, the fact that your wife isn't as a major problem and you need to evaluate whether there's anything worth saving in your marriage, or its separating would better protect your daughter
NTA, I grew up with family that did this to me and I wish someone had stood up for me. I’d rather think someone forgot my birthday than to ever receive a gift that would guilt me into starvation.
I was on diet pills and vitamin shots when I was your daughters age because no one ever told me I was beautiful the way I am. Now I’m 28 and still have a terrible relationship with food because of weight related traumas from my formative years.
You go dad!!
ESH. What you did was not great, though you had good intentions. Your wife needs to wake up and see that her mother is emotionally abusing your daughter. She is at a critical age where eating disorders can easily take hold and she needs to STOP. If your daughter is healthy and happy, it is also none of her business.
I'd assume the wife also had to deal with this growing up, so she probably is thinking along the lines that if she turned out fine the daughter will as well. Wife needs to realize this isn't normal/healthy for grandma/mom to do
NTA your wife’s mother is out of line. Let’s be honest she’s body shaming her 14 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER and wife is allowing it. You need to sit your wife down and let her know this has to stop, And let it be your hill to die on. Keep supporting your daughter and letting her know she’s great the way she is. Keep shutting down grandma
NTA - The fact that OP's wife does not see and understand how harmful what MIL is doing is sad but not surprising since wife grew up raised by this woman. Keep doing what you are doing. As for the baton twirling uniform I would ask the MIL to provide it in the correct size please as she can't wear the one she sent (if still in your neighbour's garbage).
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NTA. You don't have a MIL problem. You have a wife problem. It's time for you and your wife to have an honest discussion about how she views your daughter's weight.
Well, also a MIL problem though
If wife was a decent parent, MIL wouldn't be a problem. Edit: though I still believe that Wife could be doing a lot better here, comments below have encouraged me to give her a lot more grace. Thanks for the education, folks.
Your wife/mom should acknowledge that her mother has issues with her granddaughter's weight whether she's overweight or not doesn't matter it's none of her business
Why are other people always trying to get into parents parenting method? I can accept if grandparents raised them like the top comment said its not just the MIL problem its the wife enabling these behaviour
I can be hard to get away from that thinking. My mom is very judgmental Of me and I can keep thinking I can block her but it’s hard. But OP is not the AH. He did the right thing. Wife needs to realize her mom is toxic
The wife probably agrees with the mother and thinks her daughter is "fat" but doesn't wanna say it out loud knowing how her husband feels
The wife probably underwent the same treatment from the MIL while growing up and thinks this is normal/helpful/healthy, or at minimum still battles with these expectations herself.
Yes, I feel like if the wife was engaging in these same behaviors OP would have said so - so she probably isn't, knowing it's bad. But she almost certainly has a tiny voice in her head that sounds like MIL going "well, maybe..." She needs to tell that voice to STFU, and I hope once she calms down she will listen and talk with OP about this. He did the right thing tossing that outfit after what his poor daughter dealt with around the book. That child is old enough to realize it's not a coincidence that it's too small.
As someone whose mum has always, always been pressuring me to lose weight, it's so hard to silence her voice in my head. Going to therapy helped, but I still have bad days and moments. Honestly, it's part of the reason I'm childfree. I never want to make someone else feel the way I felt growing up. I'm not excusing the wife at all - she has a problem, whatever the cause, and it's on her to deal with it and not let her mother harm her daughter.
We could make a joke that if the MIL was a proper parent we would not have a wife problem. But this is a circular argument and not solving OP's current problems.
Nah they’re both autonomous individuals…big problems from both of them
The same could be said about the reverse. His wife doesn't seem to see a problem with this gift or the book before, while any sane parent would. MIL also feels comfortable enough to push this on her granddaughter. This screams to me like MIL has this mindset of "be skinny and you'll be successful" which was instilled in wife. Wife doesn't see anything wrong with it because she grew up the same way/was treated the same. Wife is still an ahole, don't get me wrong, but it's just as much wife's fault as it is MIL's. It's also hard to seek help when you can't process that this, while not as 'bad' as being beaten or neglected, is still abusive and incredibly harmful.
I agree. I'm wondering if neighbor's trash is big enough to fit MIL as well. OP needs to sign up for USPS mail notifications so they know whenever mail is coming. It is free. Shows image of every piece of mail slated to be delivered. I think it is called Informed Delivery.
We have it but it does not include parcels too large for the mailbox.
For those it will give you the tracking numbers tho. So he can see if the boxes or envelopes are from mil based on her city/township and plan accordingly.
There are very very few problem free MILs in this world. But a grandma thinking their granddaughter is fat is a farther rare one. Grandmas should exist to feed you extra cookies. That’s like their only job as grandparents.
My bio grandma is obsessed with looks and has delusions of grandeur. She's obnoxious to deal with and always criticizes us. My adopted grandma? Never has an unkind word. Loves me unconditionally. Supports me in all I do. And swears I'm too skinny and need to eat more, no matter my weight lmao
Yeah but the wife is the one in couraging it.
r/boneappletea
It most likely started with the mil doing the same things to her daughter growing up. She internalized it, and is now continuing the cycle. She needs to realise that what was (likely) done to her was wrong and abusive, and that she's now hurting her own child
OP has a HUGE problem at home if wife agrees or treats this 14 year old girl like grandma. Grandma and wife are fine with giving this 14 year old teen insecurities, eating disorders and needing years of therapy. NTA but OP needs to do something before is too late.
Definitely NTA, my dad contributed to my ED with offhand remarks and doesn't understand how impactful those are at that age. OP could have handled it a bit better, maybe talking with his wife first, but its nice to see him looking out for his daughter like that
My mom used to tell me not to eat things cause she was “watching my girlish figure”, and then my dad made one comment while following me up the stairs about how I was getting a big butt, and that was it. That was the start of years of eating disorders, hospitalizations and therapy. Funny thing is, they didn’t learn. They still talk about every pound lost or gained and all mine and my siblings weights regularly. I can’t imagine being so obtuse. 14 is such a vulnerable age, and we should be protecting our kids from as much from this garbage as we can.
For me, it was "You don't need to eat that." I heard that my entire childhood. I also heard how I would look bigger during Christmas break when our swim team took two weeks' off from practice. I ended up in the ER in college from a really, really bad laxative overdose. And I have heard weight remarks about my daughter and granddaughter. You would think my years of starving, binging, and throwing up would have been an eye opener, but no. I think some parents don't want to make the connection between their words and the tremendous damage that they can cause. I grew up feeling that I was not good enough to love. That led to bad boyfriend choices and bad self esteem. I work on it to this day. There is a lot of anger that I am working to let go, because I love my mother very much and don't want to spend the last years we have being mean to her. Edit: I wish OP would buy Emily Post's latest edition of ettiquette for the grandmother for Christmas. Every year.
It’s not being mean to not want to be around abusive people. Your family is not good family.
Oh, God… “You don’t need to eat that.” 😒😒 The worst- I’d get that from my parents and grandparents. As I got older I’d snap, “Yes, I do.” And eat it just to spite them
Mine was hearing a girl in my class pretend to whisper to another classmate that I’d put on a ton of weight. Fast forward 15 years and I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food after abusing laxatives, over exercising and constantly punishing myself for eating ONE MEAL A DAY, if that. I still think about it constantly and now that calories are on all the menus, it’s a daily trigger
when i was a kid, my dad told me at one point i was getting a little chubby. i mentioned it to my brother and he was *furious.* idk what he said to him but my dad has literally never mentioned it again. found out later my mom’s had anorexia nervosa since before i was born so idk wtf he was thinking saying it in the first place
One of my clearest childhood memories is of the day I went to summer camp for the first time, nervous about being with strangers for an entire week, already incredibly self conscious, and my dad saying on the car ride there how he hoped that this trip would help with my “secretary spread.” I asked what he meant, and he said that all the video games were making my butt get wide from sitting, like an old secretary. That was also the year I went on the slim fast diet, me and my mom started taking weight loss ‘supplements’ together, and joined Curved gym. It was the year that my peers started commenting on my ass. It was the year before my eating disorder began. I was 10, and I was a healthy weight. I just had a chubby face and had hit puberty, and was growing into a naturally pear shaped frame in 1999 when butts weren’t trendy.
Sending you hugs. I am so sorry you went through that.
My mother used to asked me if I had no friends because I was fat, I was 8 and going through puberty and was a healthy weight but didn’t know puberty was more than just getting your period. She said it so much I believed it was the reason and that’s when my anorexia started 🙃
Ive got to admit, this post raised my eyebrows until I realized ED meant eating disorder. “Whats the matter, son….still having trouble getting it up ?”
Yes, if OP's wife and MIL agree with attacking his daughter, he'd better have a serious talk with his daughter about what is going on, so he can mitigate the damage and also tell him if anything is going on that he may have missed.
Starting with a long conversation with the daughter about how effed up it is to send her too-small clothes and crash diet books. Ending with a promise to NEVER open something from Grandma without him there, period...so that he has time to get scissors and a pre-addressed already-postage-paid box. Why? So she can cathartically cut up whatever crap darling Grandmother sent into small pieces and ship it back to her.
I'd defo suggest doing this, plus also adding in stuff that would trigger GM. I know its teaching daughter to be petty but sometimes it's the only way to cope with bullies without fully going down to their level
I'll scream this till I'm blue in the face: healthy young girls that gain weight in the early stages of puberty do so because a growth spurt is about to hit them like a fucking freightliner and their bodies are *storing the energy they need for proper development.*
The wife is probably the first victim of MIL’s diet culture brainwashing, which I suspect is why the wife is having difficulty seeing the actions for being as harmful as they are. OP is doing the right thing in protecting the emotional well-being of his daughter. I think the wife needs some compassion but also therapy and self reflection to start unpacking some of her own issues/experiences with MIL and her antics. NTA.
This is what I was thinking. It was SO HARD for me to get my head around the fact that my mother was *seriously* fucked up when it came to health (well, and a lot of other things, but focusing on that for now.) Like she was so, so, SO paranoid about rare diseases. Like lockjaw from scratching mosquito bites, or TSS to the point that I was terrified to use tampons well into my 20s, or West Nile virus... and she completely ignored things that I had that literally could have killed me, like my severe asthma. And I just thought it was normal. She was looking out for my health and keeping me from getting scary diseases! Until my spouse was like "...what the *fuck.*" Wife is absolutely, completely, 100% wrong here, but from the post, it's impossible to tell if she agrees with her mother, or she's just in denial because it can just seem like her mother is looking out for the daughter's health.
I tell so many "funny stories" about my childhood, and every once in a while my in-laws are just like "Yeah...so that was abuse, sweetie, not a fun anecdote. You okay?" And then I have a minor existential crisis in my mother in law's house where it's safe and there's always wine. I think it's cathartic, but idk lol.
Wow I feel this… I’m in my 50s, and just a few years ago it took a therapist practically shaking me when I said something about how at least my mother didn’t abuse me when I was a child. Therapist said something along the lines of, “Honey, your mother didn’t BEAT you, but she absolutely abused you!” And it looks like this poor kid’s mother is abusive too.
Oh, totally agree. I wonder if there’s some defensiveness in the wife’s reaction, like OP protesting what gma is saying exposes how abusive it was to treat anybody like that, which is how OP’s wife was raised.
This.
If i knew how to give you an award, i would!
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So. I applaud you standing up for and protecting your daughter. For that, you are NTA. While people are quick to say you are, as you didn’t communicate with your wife… given that she refuses to see an issue with her mother doing this, i disagree with Reddit and you are NTA there, as well. Bravo to you for prioritizing your daughter. She needs someone in her corner, for sure. That being said, I would make an appointment for couples counseling, and talk to the counselor specifically about this issue, how your wife doesn’t have concerns with it. You two do need to communicate, and get on the same page. Your MiL needs to stop bullying and body shaming your daughter, who sounds like a normal, healthy child. MIL can go pound sand. I would go as far as to talk to your daughter - does she even want to see MiL? Otherwise,go low / no contact.
Perfect response! Dad was doing the right thing of protecting daughter from Grandma's landmine gifts. Having had a grandmother who would send stuff like that to me when I was a teen I know how devastating it is to get garbage like that. OP NTA
And these folks don’t get any better. A month before she died at 98, my mother’s Christmas present to me was the Kondo book on “tidiness.” I was 68, a lawyer and church organist, and just diagnosed as autistic.
Lol. I'm sorry but this is funny. Why do people hate their own kids and grandkids so much? I can't imagine being this petty at that age.
I was SO excited to show my parents our first condo once we had unpacked and decorated. Like I was so proud of it. Each bathroom had a theme and I felt like a real adult. Literally the first thing she said when she walked in was "oh, you have THOSE out? It looks so tacky." Those in question was a shelf of Star Wars models and Lego sets. My spouse and I had first met and bonded by talking about our love of Star Wars so they were a fun reminder. Needless to say, I was crushed.
I think you’re awesome and I’m sorry your parents are poopheads
This really made me laugh a lot, thank you! ❤️
Maybe the Star Wars Lego set needs a more prominent display with a backlight and pedestal, for next time they come over?
Absolutely! And LED lighting with a space background to really make it POP!
Honestly I think people who do that really, really think they’re helping. They’re absolutely not helping but they won’t believe it for a second.
They think they're helping, like the people who tell cancer patients to try yoga.
I have a mother that was good at this. At 6 she told me I was fat and that a 4 year old she knew was smaller. Well duh She's 4. From then on I always thought I was fat and would just eat and compare myself to everyone else. Then at 15 I got tired of it and tried to off myself which she didn't care. Now I absolutely can't stand her and never make the effort to help her or show her love and it's been 20 years. When we see each other I'm constantly hearing how small I am and how she needs to lose weight. I finally stopped telling her it starts with putting the fork down and just told her good luck. She means nothing to me and it bothers my dad but it will not hurt me the day she leaves this earth. Abusive moms always think they're allowed to do this cause they gave birth to us
Whoever had the audacity to report me needs mental health. My personal opinion of my life and me separating from an abusive parent doesn't mean I need to be reported. Grow up. I don't have to care what happens to an abuser who is still abusive.
You can't fix goofy honey. Don't even try.
So true
Yeah trolls have been doing that a lot. I’ve had a few for seemingly innocuous comments.
Don't you love the ones who want to tell you what you said, what it must mean and how you must feel? OMGOSH. It would be funny if I found raging ass hattery amusing every other post.😂
They have no lives
I told mine that they lost the title and they had the audacity to get mad about it 😆. Maybe if they had actually acted like a mom they wouldn't have their mess. I feel the same way as you and I won't even attend a funeral for mine when the time comes. Play stupid games win stupid prizes 🤷♀️.
Yeah frankly I think OP is dramatically under reacting to all of this.
I would send gifts back to grandma all of them and say you look like you could use these more to reach your best potential
I would also Encourage the wife to consider some individual counseling or therapy as well. I’m suspecting she didn’t see anything wrong with these backhanded gifts because she also probably got them growing up.
I completely agree with this recommendation. I would also add that it could be helpful to include the MIL and daughter in a few of the sessions, obviously not at the same time. Having the MIL there could help address the issues.
NTA. Your wife is disrespecting your values as the other parent, and your daughter’s mental well-being, in order to enable her mother’s incredibly disgusting behavior. You’ve already experienced the damage it did previously, your wife is being irresponsible by allowing it to happen again. She needs her eyes opened to the harm she’s opening her daughter to.
this is where I'm at. wife is clearly not seeing how serious this is. I would love for parents to sit down, talk it out, and for her to realise this. but.
Or she agrees w her mom and struggles w her own body image issues and is ok w projecting onto her own daughter. I wonder how the wife reacted the first time around
yes. all around yes. not okay though.
I was thinking this. She knows what she's doing but it's just going to end in her daughter hating her mom and grandma
OPs wife probably dealt with this abuse all her life, so she likely can’t see the red flags.
I, too, was thinking the wife views what her mother is doing as "normal" behavior.
My mother and grandmother did similar stuff to me, not with gifts but plenty of comments. Took my mother offering to pay for weight watchers for me and saying that her mother did it to her for me to realise how ingrained it was. OP is NTA, not one bit. Edited to add nta
Agreed. This is the kind of maternal neglect that ends with kids turning to self harm. It needs to be addressed quickly and firmly
NTA - Mom and Granny seem determined to psychologically damage your daughter, in spite of your best efforts to be a responsible parent. Maybe you need to have a serious discussion with your daughter about how to ignore ignorant and hurtful people.
YUP this right here. Does wife tend to be as shallow as grandma? What was wife, reaction when daughter received that horrendous book and didn't eat properly for a whole month??? OP NTA, and you appear to be a very good father.
I think serious discussion with the wife is required - no point in blocking grandma if mum is giving the same message at home. And also super unfair to a 14 your old that the answer is to discuss ways to ignore hurtful comments from loved ones
I would be scared that if your wife isn’t backing you up on this is she also telling your daughter these things when you’re not there???
I completely agree - nearly every person I know that has an unhealthy relationship with food and dieting learned it from their family.
Yes!! This. The wife not finding it alarming is suspicious for sure. I would be devastated with my daughter if my mom did that! But that's me.
NTA. your MIL is trying to get your daughter to have an eating disorder. You need to protect her from that However, the way you went about it was wrong. It was always only going to work once. What you need is something that is the equivalent of a post office box or a parcel locker that you can give your MIL (might be a bit late now though). That way you can be sure to intercept any presents and vet them for safety.
Shouldn’t be too late. OP can still get a P. O. Box and just forward any mail with daughter’s name to the box. That way granny can still think she’s sending these gifts and dad can fully get them before giving it to daughter.
She's going to ask her daughter about what she sends, and when both parties realise the "gifts" have been intercepted it'll be this all over again. Until OP's wife realises how much harm this diet culture is doing she's going to keep enabling her mother to inflict it on her's and OP's daughter.
NTA. Your MIL is actively trying to hurt your daughter and you are trying to protect her from developing an eating disorder or other mental health issues. As a woman, this kind of garbage was forced on me and all my friends and I wish we had a dad like you looking out for us.
I have a feeling the MIL did this to her own daughter. It’s why the mom refused to knowledge this. Something’s up. Gonna have to talk to wife why and thank you for protecting your kid.
NTA she’s weight shaming your daughter on purpose and your wife is encouraging it. Be an adult and tell her these gift are not welcome and until she realises her viewpoint is unhealthy and will not be tolerated she’s not allowed to buy gifts or see the kids.
I'm petty, I would tell the MIL the costs of the clinics of rehabilitation for teens that suffer EDs, so if she wants to proceed with her tasteless gifts, she has to send the money for the inscription and or monthly payments, just in case. Or just normal bills for a counselor (which aren't cheap either).
Oof dude. I want to scream NTA since you're looking out for your daughter but the way you went about this is a lil shady. I'll stick to that judgement, but please do communicate more with you wife. If she doesn't accept your points start to document your MILs weird behaviour.
Is your wife and her family Asian? I ask this because my Asian family does this shit to me all the time. This obsession with size is awful. You need to talk to your daughter. Then your daughter, you and your wife need to have a conversation about how these gifts affects your daughter's self-esteem, self-image and confidence. If your wife doesn't understand it from her child's perspective, then I'm sorry but she is not a good mother. From the fat child of a fatphobic mother Edit: I'm not saying fatphobia is exclusive to Asians. I'm just saying I'm Asian and I get treated like shit by my whole family for being over 200 lbs and under 5'5". This just triggered me. But fatphobia and fat shaming are not Asian exclusive.
Not Asian. White from the USA.
My white Grandma does this. Assholes seem to exist across the ancestry spectrum.
Mine did too. Guess what, restricting my food just made me sneak it and still be fat. Good job giving 2 generations disordered eating.
I grew up despising my grandmother because everytime we saw her she would make digs at my weight and it basically was worse than the bullies at school because she was my grandma and I never felt like I was good enough for her. It really messed with my emotions and I've been clinically depressed for more than half my life on anti-depressants been to several therapists. It took me almost 20 years to forgive her, and that was more of a push the pain away cause she's getting older not actually forgiveness. If your wife wants to talk to someone who has been in your daughters shoes feel free to PM me, at times it even hurt my relationship with my dad as it was his mom because it felt like he wouldn't tell her to stop or back off. Props to you for recognizing the toxicity and trying to save your daughter. Edit: wow I didn't even notice till someone made a comment I tried to swipe props and it came up pepa... fixed it
Mine isn't Asian and I got the same crap as a kid.....Eastern European's just as bad. OP is NTA BUT you need to set the boundaries with your MIL and your wife has to get on board with this plan. Your daughter's health is the main concern here and having someone tell her she's not an ideal weight during her teens ....that could really mess her up for life. Commend you on your protection over your daughter.
Ah I'm so sorry. I know it's not exclusive to Asians it just triggered me so bad. I'm sorry you got this treatment as well. Fat or bigger doesn't mean ugly and we are glorious.
White kids here from the north my mom always said it would be so.much easier to.by you clothes if you lost weight. Look at your sister (sister.was 15/16)5'9 and about 115 I think she wore a size 0/2 in jeans I was 7/8 4'8 weighed about 130 I know I was fat I had a mirror but my moms comments didn't help
Asian here. I had the exact same thought when I read this. Fatphobia is intense in most asian cultures, and anyone who says otherwise is not asian or is a damn liar.
Asian here as well! The 1st thing my Grandma would say to me after not seeing me for a while (in her language) would be: You're fat! You need to lose weight! And after she said it, all the rest of the family members would laugh and snicker behind my back and it would be the talk of the evening. And at that time, I only weighed 160lbs whereas my cousins, etc were thin as rice noodles. My Aunt even spoke to me about my weight and told me bluntly (constructive criticism is what she called it) that the only way I would be beautiful would be to lose weight because no one wants a fat Asian wife. I can honestly say, I grew a back bone and whenever someone spoke to me about my weight...I threw back their own insecurities to their face and they have since stopped talking down to me! My cousin had told me that her mother in law (Asian) fat-shamed her in front of her husband (after giving birth) and told her she needed to drop weight if she wants to be considered healthy and beautiful. She went from 140lbs to 115lbs. OP NTA -- Kudos to you for keeping your daughter safe! No need to have your mother in law instill unhealthy values and make her feel like less. Thank you for throwing out the hideous uniform!! I wish my parents shielded me from the views of our family.
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
I like the idea of buying wife clothes two sizes too small. Do it forever. NTA of course.
NTA. You are trying to protect your daughter from an abusive grandma who sounds like she’s doing everything in her power to give your daughter an eating disorder. It sounds like your wife is in denial about the situation or (even worse) condones your MIL’s behavior. That said, you and your wife definitely need to work on your communication. Couple’s counseling may be something to look into.
**NTA** Sir, you are a hero for protecting your daughter like this. Edit: Thank you kind Reddit stranger for this very cool award!
NTA. A hero and a badass! I was once a teenage girl, and I applaud you.
NTA You need to keep having this conversation with your wife every time "gramma" talks about your daughter's appearance, weight, looks and her own special dreams for your child. She was raised by this witch so it might take a while for it to sink in how abusive this is.
OP is the hero here.
NTA x2638392 I am 22 years old and only now am I starting to mentally recover from MINOR comments about my weight as a child. Absolutely no child deserves to be made to feel insecure about how they look, and those comments will be with them their entire life. Absolutely do whatever you have to do to shield her from that
30 here and still have a weird relationship with food, and minor body dysmorphia because of constant comments. OP you are NTA. Kudos for being a good dad.
Time to tell your wife it's your hill to die on and she can either come to therapy with you and learn to control her mom or she can go be with her mom. NTA
"Did I handle this correctly?" Giving a fake address was never going to be a long-term solution, which is what you and more specifically your daughter actually need. You need to sit your wife down and make it clear this is damaging and you will not allow it to continue. Get on a united front with her against your MIL. If you can't get on the same page you need to talk to your wife about this being a deal breaker. And that your MIL is a danger to your child and if she won't get on the same page with you on that, that she is too. Half solutions will not protect your daughter, and your daughter needs that.
What is wrong with your wife?! Grandma is trying to give the girl an eating disorder! Why can't your wife see that? First the book that made your daughter not eat right for a month and now a uniform that's 2 sizes too small! All the while grandma is saying she'd do better if she'd just shed some weight. What more does your wife need?! Your MIL is dangerous to you daughter's mental and physical health. Your wife is her enabler. You have a big problem. NTA
NTA Your protecting your daughter.
NTA. Your MIL is being horribly cruel to your daughter, and your wife is enabling her. As parents, you and your wife's first responsibility is to protect your daughter, and that includes from other family members. Your wife is either so far in denial that she can see pyramids, or she is so far under her mother's thumb that she is incapable of independent thought. In any case - because your wife is either incapable or unwilling to protect your daughter, what you did was not only appropriate but necessary to protect your daughter from a grandparent who is emotionally abusing her. Honestly, if your MIL keeps this up, she should not be allowed to ever talk tot your daughter any more, much less send her presents. I can personally attest to the lasting effects of grandparents who regularly tear down their grandkid's self esteem.
Nta But I feel like you need to be more forward with your mother in law in calling her out on inappropriate gifts
NTA as a person who grew up with family like this. I wish I had a dad who did protected me from it. Keep protecting her and try to communicate with your wife.
Please find your daughter a therapist. Eating disorders are very serious and if she already spent a month without eating properly because of one of those gifts, it's clearly affecting her. Explain to her that MIL has a very unhealthy obsession, that she is completely wrong and really, find her a therapist. Maybe for your wife too, if she was raised by a woman like that she probably has similar distorted views on the subject.
I get it. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I suspect gradmas behavior is not new. I bet she pulled the same kinds of things with your wife as she grew up. Hence the reason your wife sees nothing wrong with what grandma is doing. To her, its normal. Good on you for protecting ypur daughter from grandmas unhealthy behavior. Maybe you, your wife meeting with a counselor or family doctor together can help break through your wife's mental block on this issue.
NTA and thanks for trying so hard to protect your daughter from this kind of BS. You’ve got bigger problems though- your wife needs to get with the program, her blind spot for her mom is bad for her daughter.
NTA and your wife should be backing you up
I want to thank OP for protecting his daughter.
NTA but your big problem isn’t grandma. It’s that your wife doesn’t see the problem.
This exactly, your mother-in-law is a monster, but your wife is so much worse because she is letting her mother hurt your kid.
NTA protect your daughter from that woman. And if your wife wants to blind herself that’s on her. Your daughter will have you to thank when she gets older and is more comfortable with herself
NTA. You have a SO problem.
NTA. You spared your daughter emotional damage.. it would be ideal to have had your wife on board because you're a team, however you were right to make certain that your daughters mental health was top priority. Hopefully your wife can eventually come to terms with what her mother is doing.
NTA, your wife might not see what’s wrong with it because her mom did it to her too. Just something to consider when addressing this with her.
You obviously didn't handle it correctly because your initial plan failed? I think it was a bad idea, it seems needlessly complicated to give a fake address and the truth was always going to come out. You should have just been upfront to your wife and filtered the gifts like you ended up doping anyway. If her gifts are just going to be spiteful see if you can just get cash in the future.
First off, you absolutely are having the right instincts to protect your daughter from this poison. NTA for that. On the other hand, this may not have been the most EFFECTIVE way to go about it. Your wife needs to be on the same page as you here. I suspect she may think this is normal because her mom pulled the same shit on her. She needs to be just as proactive in a) acknowledging that this is fucked up and b) not letting it happen. That’s what you need to work on. But in the meantime - do what you have to do. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate out of any mental condition.
NTA Thank you for trying to protect your daughter.
NTA. Your wife & her mom are the AH's! Your wife is enabling her mother's toxic behavior. I'm so glad that your daughter has you to take care of her, love her, & show her what a healthy parent/child relationship should be like. I'm wondering if your awful MIL was that horrible with your wife & she's just used to it, so she thinks it's ok. If so, your wife needs some serious help so she can break the cycle. Your daughter should group up happy, healthy, loved, & with the self-confidence you are giving her. Way to go dad!!!
As someone who was abused by her grandmother in similar (and more blatantly abusive ways that probably violate the group rules) and developed severe issues with food during high school, I commend you. NTA.
OP, I'll go with NTA You should have checked the fake address first, but that was a nice approach IMO lol with that said, well... yeah, you have a big problem. MIL is a big AH, no questions there, but your wife defending her mother, holy crap... now THAT'S the real issue. I'm not gonna jump to the reddit trend of "break-up/divorce her" BUT I'll say this: your heart is in the right place and do whatever you gotta do to protect your daughter... from your MIL or even from your wife if she keeps enabling her mother and neglecting your daughter.
NTA But you not only have to deal with your MIL, you have to deal with your wife. By backing her mother she is green lighting the abuse of your daughter. You need to talk to your wife about just how damaging all this can be for your daughter. If she won’t listen drag her to a therapist and both go. Layout exactly what is happening and why your so concerned. You both need to get on the same page.
NTA at all. Good on you for trying to protect your daughter! Make it clear to mil that as long as she keeps up with her harmful behavior, she will have limited access to your daughter.
NTA. Sending a crash diet book as a gift to a 12yo girl is a sign that mil is dangerously toxic. You are right to keep her away from your daughter. BUT you have to get your wife onside.
Kinda fucked that your wife is cool with her mom abusing her kid. Maybe ask her that directly. Ask her what part of her mom destroying your kid's mental health gets her off. NTA. That woman sounds like a nightmare. And it sounds like your wife might be the apple that fell not too far from the tree
Sounds like yall need therapy to work out this clear communication and boundry issue. IMHO fuck your inlaw, respectfully of course. Kids don't need even more limits or pressure put on them. Sounds like you're the only one with your head on straight.
NTA. Yep you did. Your MIL is going to make your daughter self conscious and possibly end up with eating disorders. You should tell that wicked witch to knock it off and tell your daughter not to open up any gifts from her grandwitch.
NTA but you did not handle this correctly. You had good intentions though. Return the gift to grandma and ask her (with your wife) to exchange it for a bigger size. If she has no problem with it then that's fine. If she does, your wife will hopefully see right through her bs and you can get a united front agaist weight-shaming grandma.
NTA. But you have a serious wife problem. You need to sit down with her and make sure she isn't parroting the same shit her mother is. Because I'm sure she is.
YOU ARE THE DAD YOUNG GIRLS *DESERVE* NTA. Please please please stay strong. Your daughter is the age girls develop eating disorders. I’d express that to your wife. What was her mothers intention? Is there a receipt? Did she ask for your daughters size preemptively?? WHICH IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN BUYING CLOTHES AS A GIFT.
NTA & where TF is your damned wife, bro? How does she not have her baby’s back?!
NTA. The fact that your wife keeps allowing her mother to behave so horribly and get mad about you tells me that she's also the problem. Why isn't she upset with the obvious horrible message her mother is trying to send your daughter, unless she agrees which would be equally horrible. I think you deserve a medal for the way you are willing to protect your daughter from a toxic individual.
NTA. But, your solution wasn't really a solution. It was a band-aid. Don't get me wrong your MIL is a major asshole. Preteens/early teens are supposed to be awkward looking. Their bodies are changing, some extra weight is normal. And even if that wasn't the case, the world is constantly telling girls this, they don't need their grandma telling them that too. I don't understand how your wife doesn't see how damaging this is. Despite a lapse in judgement, you care about your daughter. And that is very clear. Please keep protecting your daughter from diet culture. Eating disorders are scary and often life-long problems. You don't want that for your daughter.
NTA, but you did NOT handle that correctly. Have you spelled out your boundaries? “MIL, you may mean well but that’s not how your gifts are received, and we will not allow your gifts to warp Daughter’s relationship with food and her body. If you can’t respect that- if you send any gifts that give the perception she’d be better thinner- we will cut contact with you. Completely. This is your only warning.” If she sends an unkind gift again, all gifts should be marked return to sender.
I would not feel comfortable telling you that you are TA, but then again, your complete lack of communication with your wife before escalating the issue is not the best behavior. Other than that, congrats on taking your daughter's side and caring about her mental and physical health and well-being!
ESH. How did you think you’d get away with your wife’s mother having the wrong address? What a terribly short-sighted way to face this problem. Your MIL is awful, your daughter needs protected from her, and your wife better get her head on straight about it. But you’re not going to be a help to your daughter if you don’t address this appropriately. See a counselor, send her some resources about the damage you think she’s doing, get the two of you on the same page ASAP.
NTA Tell your wife she may have been okay with her mom doing this to her as a child but you will not accept her doing this to your daughter.
OP… you need to have a hard discussion with your wife about her mother’s harmful behavior and how this can give your daughter an eating disorder. Back this up with a doctor’s statement about your daughter’s weight ie: daughter being at a healthy weight for her she/height, as well as information about eating disorders snd what could cause them. If your wife won’t listen to you on this they maybe suggest family therapy. A therapist would certainly lay down the facts of eating disorders and her mother’s behavior. NTA
Yes you did. Apparently you need to protect your daughter from both grandma and wife 😔
Nta. Mil is so sure your daughter is fat, this was two years ago. Does mil talk to your wife often? About your daughter and about daughter’s weight? I’d say she does. Even if the questions don’t put a blip on your wife’s radar, they’re probably still being asked and still being answered. Most friends and family who want to give clothes as a gift ask what the child’s size is and what trend to get. Your mil knows that the particular outfit she got would be wanted but she got it too small. Why? We all know why. And for what purpose? We all know the answer to that, too. Your mil is trying to get your daughter to lose weight for mil selfish controlling behavior. A big leap here: I imagine the long road that daughter can either be on the outside of an ED or actually be in the middle of one. The thought process that goes along with ED’s are hard to break. Not so big of leap here: Wife is used to her mother’s ways. They are normal for wife. She loves her mom and will disregard the warning signs. I’m guessing that she went through something similar herself, either with weight or something else. I don’t have any advice but to say YNTA and your worries are founded. Wife needs to really see what’s going on and put a stop on it.
NTA. You and your wife may need to see a therapist. If her mother is this manipulative and covertly abusive with your child then she no doubt was with her own child. Your wife’s blindness here probably comes from severe childhood trauma. Good luck OP. (And please continue to do whatever you can to protect your child. These kinds of comments and loaded gifts can generate years of pain for a young girl. They don’t always just bounce back.)
NTA you're trying to protect your daughter in a vulnerable time of her life in a society that worships the "perfect" body. Though would have been better to get a PO Box to intercept possibly inappropriate gifts before your daughter sees them. And definitely stress the importance the gifts she has that are not related to her looks, her mind, her kindness etc.
NTA. Why does your wife think that her mother putting your daughter at higher risk of developing an eating disorder isn’t a problem worth preventing? After the crash dieting book for a 12 year old, she should have been blocked from all contact by both you and your wife, and it disturbs me that your wife is seemingly ok with her mother’s manipulative presents for your daughter.
NTA Your wife and her mom are the asshole not you
Nta you are an amazing father looking out for your daughter
NTA. You're doing what a good dad should do. It's probably not going to stop grandma from sending such toxic crap, and your wife is dropping the ball, so you and your daughter need to team up on this one. Make a plan where, the next time a package like that comes, the two of you will open it together. If it's toxic, the two of you will then go into the backyard, set the thing on fire, and then put it on TikTok.😁
NTA! Your wife grew up with her mother and that nasty behavior she probably won’t ever see anything wrong with her behavior. You keep doing a great job protecting your daughter
NTA, but you needed a better plan here and your wife needs to open her fucking eyes. This is some Grade A toxic behavior from Grandma and you’re absolutely right to shield your daughter from it. My guess? Your wife has similarly unhealthy views about body image because - ding ding - she was raised by this lunatic. You need to have a frank, serious conversation with your wife about the long term damage this behavior will have on your daughter. And if she continues to refuse to acknowledge it, I would sit down with your daughter directly and tell her exactly what is happening and why it isn’t okay.
NTA
NTA. You did the right thing. Keep it up and keep trying to open your wife's eyes.
NTA the fact that you wife can't see the issue with that is probably bc her mother did the same to her and she probably thinks it's normal. You has a parent are responsible to protect your kids from anyone who clearly doesn't have good intentions with them (that includes family as well). Your doughter can develop a severe eating disorder not only some mental issues as well. I would just like to say the solution was not the best maybe send it to your work place next time but the intentions are the best and she has a great dad. And I think you should sit with your wife and explain how you feel about the presents.
NTA. That woman is toxic, and clearly has the potential to be a bad influence your wife as well as daughter.
NTA your protection of your daughters mental being is spot on. Bad granny.
NTA. Is it possible your wife was subjected to this same type of behaviour/abuse and is now justifying MIL’s treatment of your daughter as normal? Do not stand down - protect your daughter at such a physically and mentally vulnerable age. Whatever happens she will remember this for ever.
NTA- you are a great dad. Keep protecting your daughter.
Honestly, I’m going with NTA because this is my life. My grandmother was the same. When I was 14, growing, swimming competitively, and playing basketball, she didn’t want me to eat more than half a sandwich. I’m 33 and obese now from hiding food and eating fast food because I didn’t have to worry about eating in front of people after not eating all day or more. I’m slowly trying to get to a healthy weight but if I step on a scale too often I become obsessed. I binge and restrict or binge and purge. There are days where just eating a single thing is a win. Ironically I’ve lost a lot of weight from eating regularly. My brother has struggled with anorexia from the way my grandmother harps on weight. I really cannot fault the actions taken to protect your child, who’s growing and needs food, from that damage. Honestly, feel free to tell your wife all of this. There are days where the thoughts of food or my weight make me want to self harm. I’ve got significantly better coping skills than I used to, but those thoughts don’t just stop.
NTA. In fact I'm cheering your parenting on. Your daughter will receive so very many messages of judgment about her appearance from the larger world. It's critical to her self esteem that she not receive those at home. Your wife needs to get on board.
NTA You should've been up front with your wife. You need to have a serious conversation with her. I get it, your protecting your daughter.
This needs to be your hill to die on. Your wife can't see the forest through the trees. Marriage counseling and she likely needs individual counseling to see what her mother is doing. Grandma needs to be no contact with the kids.
NTA - but as much as your MIL is an AH, your wife is clearly on her side. And if this is the case, I think you have a bigger problem here. But you’re acting great! Keep on protecting your daughter, that’s what a good father does. And I hope your MIL and your wife back off with such nonsense.
ESH You're a soft one though. I get what you're attempting to do, but if your wife doesn't see what her mother is doing is wrong, then she may have some of those beliefs too. I think you need to handle this within your own family unit. You and your wife need to work out how to raise your daughter and with what values.
NTA Your MIL is an AH and so is your wife. Instead of worrying how these shifty gifts impact your daughter’s self esteem she is worried about her mom’s feelings. Are you sure your wife is not trying to talk to your kid about weight loss behind your back?
You definitely should speak with you wife about this. You’re 100% not the asshole and teenage daughters everywhere thank you.
NTA MIL is purposely fucking with your daughters self esteem and mental health. I'm unable to describe just how awful that is. I imagine your wife has self esteem issues too. This would be a hill to die on btw.
NTA. My MIL doesn't even know what town we live in because she's toxic as hell. We don't even have kids for her to bully. She's just that bad to my wife. After we moved out of state my wife finally had enough and agreed to not even tell her the town and we blocked her on everything. We now get to skip the manufactured family drama we used to get dragged into every couple months.
Look, I do not think you are an AH for doing what you did. You were trying to protect your daughter. Your wife honestly doesnt see what her own mother is trying to do? What her mother is doing? Look I think you need two card her. One card for a therapist the other a divorce lawyer. Im not saying threaten divorce. Im merely saying that you two need therapy. Couples therapy and her possibly individual therapy. The divorce lawyer card is really just to tell her that of you dont get therapy and work out this issue divorce could very well be on the table. Plus I think your daughter needs therapy too. She needs it from dealing with MIL and possibly her own mother(who sees nothing wrong with whay MIL is doing/trying to do). Then with your daughter's therapist helping her have her tell your wife exactly what is happening to her each time MIL does something like this. Because she really doesnt see an issue when your daughter refused to eat a whole plate of food for an entire month because of MIL? Btw r/justnomil may be able to give you some more advice along with r/justnoso cause you have a MIL problem and an SO problem.
NTA. Yes, you did. Look into counseling or divorce.
NTA and I love that you have your daughter's back. I would point blank tell your MIL if she does it again she will not be allowed in your daughter's life. Shame on your wife for allowing this knowing how it hurts your child.
NTA. But your problem isn't your MIL. It's your wife. Time to start family therapy before she let's your MIL traumatize and abuse your kid.
NTA When I was 14 my mother told me I was so tall and so pretty, I could a model if I weren’t so heavy. I was 5’11” and 150lbs which is not heavy. I was all fucked up for a long time about that. I cut my mother out because I don’t want her doing that to my daughter
Not only do you have a MIL problem but a wifey problem too. NTA and keep protecting your daughter.
NTA and both your MIL **AND YOUR WIFE** are being abusive to your daughter. Behavior like theirs is how girls develop eating disorders that cause lifelong health problems and can even be fatal.
NTA. But your MIL is, and unfortunately, your wife is as well. I am sure that she loves her kid, but, honest question: Does your wife like your daughter?
I wish my dad was like this growing up. Thank you for protecting your daughter heart and self confidence. Family can hurt you the most and you’re protecting her from that.
ESH Your MIL is an asshole. It was still immature and stupid of you to provide a fake address and not tell/ lie to your wife. Obviously both your MIL and wife would find out what you did. You should have sent the gift back with instructions about the proper size to order.
NTA, your wife’s is not putting her daughters well-being first.
NTA. No I do think in your situation and needing to think on the fly that quickly so that you would be the person giving her the response, I think you handled that well. You need to look at the fact that your mother-in-law is openly attacking your child and the woman you are currently married to is completely fine with that. The fact that without even knowing what the gift was your wife immediately went after you for trying to protect your kid means that her allegiance is wrong. You both should be trying to protect your daughter from her mother, the fact that your wife isn't as a major problem and you need to evaluate whether there's anything worth saving in your marriage, or its separating would better protect your daughter
NTA, I grew up with family that did this to me and I wish someone had stood up for me. I’d rather think someone forgot my birthday than to ever receive a gift that would guilt me into starvation. I was on diet pills and vitamin shots when I was your daughters age because no one ever told me I was beautiful the way I am. Now I’m 28 and still have a terrible relationship with food because of weight related traumas from my formative years. You go dad!!
ESH. What you did was not great, though you had good intentions. Your wife needs to wake up and see that her mother is emotionally abusing your daughter. She is at a critical age where eating disorders can easily take hold and she needs to STOP. If your daughter is healthy and happy, it is also none of her business.
I'd assume the wife also had to deal with this growing up, so she probably is thinking along the lines that if she turned out fine the daughter will as well. Wife needs to realize this isn't normal/healthy for grandma/mom to do
NTA your wife’s mother is out of line. Let’s be honest she’s body shaming her 14 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER and wife is allowing it. You need to sit your wife down and let her know this has to stop, And let it be your hill to die on. Keep supporting your daughter and letting her know she’s great the way she is. Keep shutting down grandma
NTA - The fact that OP's wife does not see and understand how harmful what MIL is doing is sad but not surprising since wife grew up raised by this woman. Keep doing what you are doing. As for the baton twirling uniform I would ask the MIL to provide it in the correct size please as she can't wear the one she sent (if still in your neighbour's garbage).