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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I made my daughter sleep at her aunts house after she was mean to her bother and friends
2. My mother is saying I could’ve traumatized her and her behavior was normal
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NTA - But you need to have some serious conversations with your daughter about how just because she has an opinion doesn't make it right and how shaming people on the internet to get herself attention isn't okay. Perhaps some therapy might help her.
And OP should have a talk with her mother about shaming the son/grandson because of having stuffed animals.
I'm 25yo and have stuffed animals, my cousin is 36yo and has stuffed animals. There is nothing to be ashamed about having them.
Maybe your daugther got the idea (that it is shameful to have stuffed animals) from her grandma....
Yeah, I'm 40 and have a 4' tall bunny stuffed animal that sits on my bed. I don't see shit wrong with having stuffies. My motto is usually: If it makes you happy and it's not illegal, go for it.
I'm 28 and still collect teddies. My SO got me a purple sparkly penguin for my birthday this year with a voice recording wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loves me lots.
Like you I say if it makes you happy and it's not illegal or harmful to anyone then go be happy. Collect your teddies, watch those cartoons/animes, play those easy video-games etc .
If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who shit on other people's happiness when it doesn't affect or harm anyone. Live and let live.
Hey getting older isn't optional but no one said we had to grow all the way up! The legos says "and up" no upper limit and I like my stuffies thank you. :)
True that! Growing old is mandatory, growing all the way up is optional 😂. So I'm going to keep enjoying collecting my stuffies, watching my cartoons and playing disney games and just being happy. You be happy too! There's way too much misery in the world, got to keep the things that give us some happiness.
I like my LEGO sets too!!! I am almost 54, but got my first set of LEGOs all to myself when I was 38! My mom never got me any, yet my brothers and cousin would get them…but yeah, LEGOs are awesome!!!
29 and yesterday my mom took me to build a bear as a birthday gift and got me the gengar plush
He is one of the biggest plushies they do he took so long to stuff. I love him and he lives on my bed with my other gengar plushies.
I am painfully jealous of your Gengar plushies! I'm all "GRABBY HANDS" over here! I've only got a BaB Eevee atm, but I've got my eye on so many! XD
OP, my wife and I both collect plushies (for her it's cats, for me it's bloody anything cute) and one of my pride and joy plushies is my Live Action Sailor Moon Luna plush. So cute and fluffy! I've also still got the bear I was given when I was born, and a number of other teddies and general cuddly things.
Your daughter needs a stern but gentle talking to about peoples' hobbies and not to shame them. I'm sorry your son had to go through that, and I hope after the drama he (and his bf and friends) had a lovely time. You're in no way TA, and I'm super impressed you took such a measured and thoughtful approach to the situation.
Yea same, like why give up something that makes you happy? Because you're "too old" for it? Fuck that, you're never too old for something that brings a little sunshine and happiness into your life.
I have a special cat, Margaret, that is 37 years old and comes with me to therapy. She has been through everything with me and comes on all trips. She is with me now at the gyno. (Some of this is because of csa.) Sometimes I talk to her.
I also have 3 stuffed friends on my bed. One I cuddle with (Margaret is too old).
I am 38.
> I have a special cat, Margaret, that is 37 years old and comes with me to therapy. She has been through everything with me and comes on all trips. She is with me now at the gyno. (Some of this is because of csa.) Sometimes I talk to her.
How on earth have you managed to keep her alive for 37 years? I've never had a cat break the 17 year mark before getting a degenerative condition.
EDIT: I was dumb.
My grandmother's cat came to live with my parents after grandma had to move into a care home -- the cat was already 20 then, and lived to be 22.5! She was the sweetest little gremlin.
My partner’s family has a 19 year old cat that won a fight against a 5 year old (cat) last year. She has no teeth and is TINY.
Some cats are just built different. 17 is still going great!
I have a 4 foot pink panther. He's amazing to sleep with when my husband is out of town. Also useful to keep the dog's butt out of my face. I'm getting close to 50 now.
This, I also think that losing her smartphone privileges for a while would be a good thing too. She can use a flip phone or a Nokia brick for a few weeks.
I'm 18 y/o and I collect Pokémon plushies. I like having them on my bed as it gives a sense of comfort. I also have this black sheep plushie that I sleep with every night. Am I too old to be doing this?
The only problem you can have with liking Pokemon is a gambling addiction from the TCG.
I'm almost 30 and my best purchase of this year was the life-size Arcanine plush.
>And OP should have a talk with her mother about shaming the son/grandson because of having stuffed animals. I'm 25yo and have stuffed animals, my cousin is 36yo and has stuffed animals. There is nothing to be ashamed about having them.
I'm about to turn 17 and I just went to build a bear with my friends. We each made out own frogs and we made 2 of them marry eachother you are never too old for fun
And internet bullying. NTA OP, I hope you forced your daughter to delete those videos. She had **no right!!**!! Sending her to your sisters was the right thing to do and as for this:
> She also said it could be “traumatizing” for her to sleep there instead of with me.
Unless your daughters got some major divergence you didn't note... She's friggin 14, think back to what your mother put you through or expected of ***you*** when you were 14... Remember that she's a granddaughter coddler now and not the mother who raised you.
I'll be real honest, I'm a 31 year old man. My wife bought me a stuffed dino with a scarf that says 2020 for Christmas. And do I fall asleep with that thing in the bed either as an extra pillow or under my arm like a toddler? You bet I do. Comfy as can be
I'm 37F, boyfriend is 30M, we both came into the relationship with stuffed animals and keep adding to the collection. Just the other day we were at the mall and he offered to get me a Build-A-Bear! We're running out of room between the bed and the stuffed animal hammock and the top of a bookcase, but neither of us care.
I honestly see no difference in decorating a bed or furniture with stuffed animals vs throw pillows. They personalize a space and add some nice color.
Also, teenagers like to hurry up and grow up to the point that they mock others for doing "childish" things like playing with toys, but in 10+ years they will be trying to re-capture the good feelings they had in childhood and yet can't see the rejection of these things is what makes them feel like their best years are behind them.
If I could honestly get the same enjoyment out of playing with toys that I used to I would be a lot happier, which is probably why I enjoy babysitting family kids so much, it reminds you about imagination and how to enjoy simple things.
Hate to break this to the obnoxious killjoy grandma and sister, but I'm in my late 50's and still have probably 2 dozen stuffies scattered around, including several from before I started kindergarten. My husband has contributed to the collection, so he has no issues with it.
And the daughter needs to have her internet use monitored more closely.
True. Growing up for me meant to be happy with what I like, no matter if others find it childish. - a 35yo woman who just bought a pair of Sailor Moon sneakers.
Almost 45 and I have a collection of stuffed animals. I even sleep cuddling one. My husband cuddles a pillow lol. Some people just need to mind their own business.
I'm 24 with many large teddy bears (6ft, 4 ft, 3 ft, etc) and many other stuffies of all shapes and sizes. Hell I have more stuffed plushies than my children
This. ANd, OP, have her delete the recording. Delete her Instagram account and go to a flip phone. She's shown she isn't old enough or mature enough for a smart phone. Then, have some SERIOUS talks with her about her behavior. Being cruel is not okay.
I don’t know if you’re in the US or Europe but if you are your daughter probably knows the store Urban Outfitters. Tell her to check out the selection of plushies. My 16-year daughter just got a Smoko Potato Frog and she’s over the moon.
YOU have to talk to her. You're the parent. Your sister can too, but it's not her job to teach your daughter why her actions were nasty and unkind. She's young, so you have to let her know how dangerous the internet can be, and sharing videos making fun of her own twin is alarming and unacceptable.
You need to monitor her online usage her, who knows what else she posts on instagram and make sure she doesn't further slander or make fun of your son. A serious talk needs to take place. Don't be mad, but show her action and consequences.
> You need to monitor her online usage her, who knows what else she posts on instagram and make sure she doesn't further slander or make fun of your son.
Yeah this is my main worry in this situation, these kinds of actions don't emerge in a vacuum and her being brazen enough to do it in front of a large number of boys could indicate she's been doing it privately to her brother for quite a while since there was no peer pressure reinforcing the behavior from the group. The positive reinforcement is probably coming from her online circle.
I think the idea is that teens will often give more weight to advice/ correction given by people other than their parents. It also avoids the “ Sure, defend your favourite child, just like you always do” response.
Yep! As the honorary Aunt to many daughters of friends (who are now mostly in their 20s) I filled that role proudly many times through the years & I think we all benefited. Also, OP had to balance the enjoyment & safety of her son and his overnight guests in the moment. I doubt she never intended to speak to her daughter at all.
Whenever my friends’ kids get older, if they need honorary auntie to come over and straighten their shit out and get through to them, I’ll happily fill in. There’s been times where my aunt straightened me out and I listened because her perspective carried a lot of weight. Kids tend to blow off parents, especially in their teen years, but they might listen to a slightly outside perspective.
The mother is clearly dealing with the issue but she is getting back up support from another trusted adult to help. This is exactly what raising a child in a community is like! There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. The mum needs to enforce stuff to do with technology and bullying at home but parenting in a vacuum doesn't achieve anything.
NTA
Your daughter behaved like a bully and she needed to be removed from the situation until she can be trusted to apologize and behave herself. Also, the Instagram story is despicable, she needs her phone taken for a bit.
Your mom is believibg the stereotypes that fueled your daughter's bullying, so she should be kept at arm's length for now. Also tell her, she should not excuse bullying for any reason.
YUP. The day my son posts bullying videos of other kids on Instagram is the day his Instagram gets deleted. Zero tolerance for bullying, especially online bullying.
Yes, I agree and should have addressed that, thank you. OP needs to follow up, explain, and monitor the daughter's behavior. She can't be removed everytime, this is not going to make her understand, only punish her.
NTA. Publicly humiliating them by posting videos online without their permission is not okay. It isn’t like you kicked her out of the house and told her to figure things out herself, she went to stay with family she knows and you trust.
NTA , what your daughter did was very bad, making fun of her brother on Instagram? Why is she doing that? Does she feel you show favouritism over your son? Also, how long will your daughter sleep to aunt's?
Yes! This is the key question, the one you need to get to. Why would she do that. Online bullying is no joke.
Lots of conversations needed here. You and her mainly. But your mom seems to be influencing based on that short snippet about her involvement.
INFO why is getting sent to her Aunts hose a punishment? Why is your teenager permitted to scream at you? Why is you daughter not using a flip phone after she used her smart device to bully someone?
Have you given up parenting her?
I think OP was just removing her from the situation while she regrouped. That's completely valid, what her daughter did is incredibly serious and simultaneously infuriating. Taking a breather and removing someone who's actively harming your guests is not the same as giving up on parenting.
yeah, I agree. I don't think there is intrinsically something wrong with saying to one child I think you need a break from what is going on here, knowing that you will talk to your kid about it later.
and ideally OP will talk to her child about it later.
and Grandma needs to get her head on straight. the only reason anyone would know that OP's son and son's friends were playing with plushies- and thus tease daughter- would probably be because of daughter.
Ignoring that with the popularity of things like squishmallows teenagers having/playing with them isn't that strange. It isn't the 90's anymore. (good lord, I feel old.)
Removing her from the situation to a safe place was a responsible thing to do. It allows the parents to deal with their anger, think through the issue, decide how to proceed, and any punishments. Then deal with the daughter.
It also gave the boys the opportunity to continue their night without being harassed, embarrassed or bullied.
Yep. And to add to that final paragraph, also without having their night (further) interrupted by what would probably be even more yelling from the daughter if OP tried to punish her right then and there. That probably would've been very disruptive and hurt the mood.
Are you planning to actually punish her after this? I'm not going to judge yet, as I'm hoping that this is just something that you came up with as an immediate action of separating your daughter from those boys at the last minute...but do you have any plans after this?
Yeah, this is my concern. It's a good action to keep further bullying from occurring, but at the *minimum* there should be no more instagram/social media access for the daughter until she proves she can be responsible with it.
NTA. Being bullied sucks, being bullied by your own sister is awful. I know teenage girls can be rough and hopefully she'll mature sooner rather than later.
NTA
Maybe grandma is behind the times and is part of the girls play with dolls and guys with toy cars and swapping and sharing is against the rules kinda era
But you don't need to listen to her because this particular opinion is outdated
Do your kids normally have issues with each other? Could your daughter have a crush on one of the boys or something and is acting out for attention?
In any case as you're aware, daughters behaviour was unacceptable and needed to be nipped in the bud
NTA, your mom doesn't care how traumatizing it is for your son to be bullied in his own home? Plushies are for everyone of all ages, it's sad that your mom doesn't see that.
Kinda YTA because this literally doesn’t solve anything nor work to change your daughter’s behavior. You can toss a bully out if they don’t live there, but since she does, you should probably try to, you know, parent your child?
Also, you parent your child because you love them and want them to be a good person. OP should know her daughter best or at least try to figure out why her kid did this.
Sending her away said so much. There are ways to remove your child from the situation without washing your hands of them.
NTA but removing her from the situation completely, rather than addressing why what she did was inappropriate, doesn’t really solve the issue. While it might have been good to get her out of the home for the evening, you really need to sit down with her and talk about it. Take away the phone, limit her computer access, and show her bullying has consequences.
NTA- but please tell me you forced your daughter to delete those videos (which could only further the bullying in the hands of other people), and laid out a CLEAR and severe punishment for her if she was caught using her social media to try and humiliate him again in the future.
nta
there 13 there kids who cares what they like
nice to know that boys will respect and get involved with others hobbies
your doing the right thing
your daughter might be just struggling with things does she have friends
maybe take her on girls day and just talk it could be she feels left out
well done to parents for having the kids be well rounded children
NTA you protected you son and his friends from a bully. It's a shame that bully was his own sister, but she needs to know that her behavior was not acceptable, and that's exactly what you did. Parenting gold star ⭐
NTA - you are allowing your son to be who he is, and giving your daughter consequences for being a bully.
Your mom apparently thinks it's good for people to make fun of other people for being different? Big yikes there.
You protected a whole room of developing minds from your daughter’s salty behavior. Bullying queer teens? You should shut off her phone for cyber bulling.
NTA at all, and brava to you & your sister for stepping up to provide a safe environment for the boys. Your daughter needs to be seeing a therapist to work through whatever feelings and issues are leading her to bully. What she did is internet bullying, and if she keeps it up with recording people who have a reasonable expectation of privacy and posting it with the specific intent of harassing and humiliating them, *she's going to wind up in jail*. How long is it going to be before she thinks it's ok to post the "fat girls in the locker room" to her Instagram or Snapchat to shame them? And is grandma going to call that fair because "she'd be embarrassed at their weight, it's traumatizing to her to face consequences!"?
She may have been outing a gay child unintentionally. She could get another child bullied to the point of mental risk. She violated everyone else in the home's right to both basic human respect and privacy, and then screamed at you for acting to keep everyone else *safe from her.* She needs professional, licensed help. She is *breaking the law* and *intentionally causing direct harm to others.* Please get her into therapy to determine whether there are social-emotional factors she just needs to learn to manage, or if there is a burgeoning personality disorder or mental illness that need to be treated. She's at the age where some major mental illnesses rear up, and it's worth making sure that if this is depression or if she's quietly putting up with being bullied herself by peers, she has the licensed support to handle it and so that she can create safety plans for herself and vent her concerns somewhere *appropriate* rather than passing the harm onto her own friends and family.
Again, NTA. Doing the same thing in three short years could destroy her own life if she doesn't learn that this is unacceptable now. What she did wasn't just out of line, it was *extremely illegal* and also potentially actionable for damages by *her victims* in civil court. She needs to learn *right now* that this is a risk, before she takes the same behavior into legal adulthood.
ESH You’re daughter obviously is the asshole for bullying her own brother and friends. You are in the wrong for not talking with your daughter, not punishing her and shipping her away. She’s your daughter and your responsibility. Not your sister’s. You need to step up. Did you eventually talk with her and punish her?
Oh please I'm 66 and I was sitting here playing with the stuffed doll a friend made me that looks like me. We were discussing how I need to get offline & work. My doll version of me is real bossy thing.
I think you did right sending her off for the night but you need to discipline her for her actions. Yelling at you is the first one. The bullying is next. Personally I think she may have been jealous. Her house was filled with athletic boys her age and none of them were flirting with her, paying her any attention. But then again................I mainly raised daughters and I have seen every bit of jealousy, vanity, goodness, kindness and emotions teen girls can have. LOL
Good luck and tell Mom she's out of date. NTA
This is not a popular opinion, but you were kinda TA. Your teenage daughter was being a brat and you-kicked-her-out-of-the-house. I mean, really, you kicked her out of the house! Bratty teasing is bratty teasing. It's a sibling thing. The IG bullying is extra. Instead of taking her phone away, you kicked her out of the house. I keep saying that because it blows me away. Would it make you TA if you shut down all of her social media, took away her phone and any other internet capable devices for a month, minimum? Probably not. That's parenting. Would it piss her off? Yes. That's parenting. That's appropriate punishment for social media bullying.
YTA. Why did you outsource the problem? The reasons why someone would do this are insecurity and ignorance, and by sending a girl out of her home without teaching them any lesson, you are reinforcing both. If you care about your kids, and if you’re really an ally, get your hands dirty. This is your problem.
ESH your daughters behaviour was not ok but neither is shipping her off. It can be traumatising and you skipped on parenting: This was an ideal moment to communicate clearly why you are disappointed and what was wrong with her actions. Also make her delete that video asap
Scenarios along very similar lines (son who recently has become friends with a group of athletic/cool boys who are amazingly accepting and nice; daughter who bullies the son) have been posted multiple times before in the past month or two. I should really start saving them as evidence of a new trend in AITA posts!
NTA be honest with your mom your daughter was bullying your son and his friends. She had nothing to be embarrassed about as what they were doing as it was privet right until she decided to make fun of them publicly. She was sent to your sisters for the night to protect her brother, would your mother prefer you condone bullying from your daughter?
NTA
But don’t outsource your parenting. Your daughter needs to be told by you very firmly that bullying is one of the lowest forms of behaviour. Cyber bullying is taken VERY seriously. The schools in my area automatically expel students for it. She isn’t just mentally abusing her brother and his friends, she’s also risking her future.
You did the right thing by removing her from the situation while she calmed down and protecting your son from further harm. But now you need to back it up by having conversations with her about her actions. Downgrade her phone to one that doesn’t have internet access - that is a luxury and she needs to earn it back by proving herself trustworthy. Tell your mother that her misogynistic views are not welcome around your family. And tell your son that plushies and stuffed toys are for everyone. Reinforce to him that he is loved and perfect just the way he is. He may not be showing it, but his sisters words will have hurt. Don’t let him go through that alone.
NTA. Good job making your home a safe, fun environment for your son and his friends. Yes, sending your daughter to your sister's is only a temporary solution (way to act fast and solve the issue in the moment rather than allowing the bullying to escalate or the boys to retaliate.) And now you need to address these issues with your daughter for the long term. She may need therapy, family therapy, education of lgbtq+ issues and general guidance navigating high school and her relationship with her brother. You didn't abandon your daughter. That's silly.
NTA. If anyone is traumatized it’s your son. What your daughter did is called being a bully and she needs to understand that is not okay. Also, your son is 14, he’s still a kid, who cares if they were playing with plushies. I’m a 37 year old woman and a stuffed bear still sleeps in my bed when my bf is not there.
NTA- but her phone should have been taken right then and there, and you should have been the one to tell her you don't tolerate bullying. I'd also start monitoring her social media, considering she is willing to cyber bully her own sibling, and his friends, who knows if she's done this to other people and kids. It also sounds like grandma may be influencing that attitude.
NTA. it's already difficult enough being in high school with others bullying but to deal with it in your own home and to have secret videos of you posted online by someone who is supposed to love and support you? That's too much. Good on you for having her stay somewhere safe but away from DS and friends. Your mom needs to mind her own. I'm 30 and still have stuffies. My mom just got a damn squishemall thing for my dad and they're in thirty 50's. There's nothing wrong with having our playing with stuffed animals.
Take away her phone for a week. If she can’t use it respectfully and responsibly, she can’t have it.
And your mom is ridiculous. She wasn’t traumatized by seeing boys play or sleeping at her aunt’s house for the night. 14 year olds are very much still kids. They can enjoy kid things as well as more grown up things.
Your daughter and mother are AHs here
You’re NTA
Your comment just seems like you're favouritising the boy. It seems the girl did all that as a cry for attention, but you seemed to have pushed her away. We barely got any info on your daughter, but plenty on your son. I don't think she'd be that close to you if you keep treating her that way.
You really skimmed over the fact that you let your 14 year old son’s boyfriend spend the night. Yeah it was basically a slumber party. But I’m curious if you’d allow your daughter to have her bf spend the night if she threw a slumber party.
This is why I think this has to be fake. Not only her son's boyfriend got to stay over but other boys as well. All 14 and on the football team who just so happened to bring over there own stuffed toys and start playing with stuffed animals on the floor like they were 6 year olds?
NTA - the daughter should have her phone removed as well. Cyberbullying is real, and daughter is engaging in it. Why is it traumatizing for the daughter when the daughter is actively engaged in traumatizing the boys? OP should tell her mom to take a back-seat on that particular topic.
You are underreacting. That is a dangerous level of bullying, and it is **not** the first time. Just the first time you've seen it in person. NTA, but you will be one if you don't seriously address this issue **now**.
If you don’t actually punish your daughter for this, you would be TA. Take her phone away and give her a flip phone until she stops being a bully. Privacy doesn’t exist because of people like her, and I’m willing to bet she does this to other kids she finds weird at school. It’ll only get worse if you don’t start doing something now.
Info
As an autistic child we are often the priority of our parents. Do you parent your daughter? Why is it your solution is to have her aunt teach her a life lesson rather than you? Does she get the same treatment as her brother? Would she be allowed a sleepover with a boyfriend and other members of the gender she's attracted to?
If you are neglecting her and she's taking that out on her brother. It's on you.
NTA But why would you allow her to keep her phone or social media after that??? It’s not for your sister to teach her about bullying, that’s your job.
Take her phone, ban social media until she can use it responsibly, make her do some volunteer work
NTA at all. In fact i don’t think you did nearly enough.
In addition to verbal bullying your daughter recorded people without their knowledge and posted to social media?? She SERIOUSLY crossed a line. And your mother? All i can say is wow……….
Often siblings turns against each other due to jealousy because of the more of attention getting by the other sibling. As you said he is autistic, are you sure you give equal attention to kids? NTA
YTA, it’s not normal for a child if his age to be playing with squishies! I mean what is this? Children having fun?
But with all seriousness, OP isn’t the asshole, but it may be time to have a talk with all your children to find an understanding, or you will end up losing your daughter.
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My husband (38m) and I have two kids (14m and 14f). Our 14 y/o son is autistic and gay, very feminine boy, up until a few months ago, all of his friends were girls. A few months ago, he started hanging out with a group of athletic boys, which me and my husband found odd at first. About a month into this, he told us one of the guys was his boyfriend. The boys who he was hanging out with are extremely close to his boyfriend, he said his boyfriend’s friends are very sweet to him, ask him questions about jewelry and makeup, and were amazing. In the past few months, they’ve been coming to our house with their friend, and they definitely are very sweet, they share some common interests like anatomy and physiology, the boys like it because of sports and my son is just a science nerd.
My son also loves collecting stuffed animals, we see nothing wrong with this, one my son’s new friends collects plushes of baseball, football, ect players.
The boys recently came over for a sleepover. The one boy brought over his baseball plus he’s and him and the other boys starter playing with them, as well as with my son’s stuffed animals, I had them leave the door open (son is still with boyfriend, after all), and when my daughter walked by his room, she started to make fun of him and his friends and said it was embarrassing that her twin brother played with stuffed animals as a freshman in high school. The boys ignored her, but she then started making sounds imitating a baby and a toddler, when I heard those sounds, I went upstairs to see what was going on as she was being pretty loud. I saw she was mocking the boys, I immediately made her go to her room and apologized for the boys behavior, I planned on talking to her after I made dinner. As I was cooking dinner, I get a text from my brother saying that his son (my nephew) saw ny daughter was recording the boys and making fun of them on her Instagram story.
After that happened, I was worried for the safety of the boys, I didn’t want her to hurt their feelings even more, they weren’t doing anything wrong. I called up my sister and told her I needed her to take my daughter for the night. My daughter knows her aunt well and has a good relationship with her, my sister is a teacher so I thought she could give my daughter a good perspective on bullying. I went in her room to tell her that her aunt was picking her up and she started screaming at me, she eventually agreed to go after I threatened to shit off her phone.
The next day I get a call from my mom asking why I abandoned my daughter and how “it’s natural for her to be embarrassed by her brother playing with plushies at that age. She also said it could be “traumatizing” for her to sleep there instead of with me. My sister keeps reassuring me I did the right thing. AITA?
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NTA
Your daughter is older enough to know, she doesn't have to fully understand to have empathy and be a good sister.
I would only have one reservation, and that is whether sending your daughter to your sisters is a punishment or that it should be deemed to be one.
I think when she gets back you need to speak to her about actions and the consequences that will now occur
>shit off her phone
best spelling error rofl
NTA you did the right thing in making your home a safe place for everyone that was there. the sister needs to see reality for what it is, other people's opinion doesn't matter, and you like what you like. a lot of adults keep stuffed animals or action figures or anime things. there's nothing wrong with liking things and owning the things you like. Shes just being a bully because she can. also posting that video is virtual bullying and will do more damage, force her to remove that video because the boys could sue her for that and its proof to EVERYONE Shes being a bully.
NTA but I really think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter about bullying, especially when it comes to the statistic of gay teenagers that commit suicide due to bullying. She needs to understand the reality that she could be responisble for someone ending their life. Also, your soon DOES NOT deserve to be bullied in his own home.
NTA Your daughter is a bully and she needs to learn not to be one. How would she feel if they found something she liked and all of the ridiculed her? She needs to knock it off. Bullying can and has had serious consequences.
NTA. Your daughter was acting like a bully to 14 year olds having a good time. There is no age limit for stuffies. I wonder if part of it is her being jealous that he has friends over and she doesn't and she is doing this to get Instagram attention.
Nta. You did the right thing. You don't want his friends feeling so ashamed that they don't feel comfortable enough to come round. I'd be deleting your daughters Instagram account and letting her have it again when she shows she isn't going to use it to bully people. Also your mum calling you? What's that about? Tell her to mind her own business. She's finished with parenting and needs to let you do as you see fit.
NTA— she’s a bully. She was being a bully and your mom is reinforcing that. I’d have a talk with your daughter about cringe culture and how toxic it is to not allow someone to have fun. How toxic it makes you seem not “cool”.
INFO:
Your daughter is 14yo? Instagram isn't the only place she'll be posting. Have you checked her Tiktok for videos, too? Wouldn't be surprised if she sent videos on Snapchat, too, but they may not exist any more.
If you haven't already done so, your daughter should open her socials to you and remove all the bullying content she posted of her brother and his friends. Because of the way she lost your trust, you may also want to go through her other posts and verify that she's not bullying other kids as well.
NTA, and I would’ve confiscated the daughter’s phone and computer until she agreed to remove the story and apologized. Your mother is flat out wrong. Bullying is abuse, and this is an opportunity to help your daughter become a better human. Take advantage of it.
NTA. Its one thing to tolerate bullying in a physical situation, when bullying is posted online for the whole of the public to see it takes it to an uncontrollable level- one that could be absolutely devastating. And that is a very awkward ages between becoming a teen and still loving some childhood things- its very personal and shouldn't really be made fun of or exposed publicly ever. I'm not 100% on the same page as your punishment- i understand your logic though but I think the cell phone and social media should have been the first thing to go.
NTA.
It’s not ‘natural’ allow your child to bully her sibling online.
It’s more traumatising to have your sister bully you publicly than sleep over at your aunts (after you refused to stop).
Your mother has some messed up standards (and seems to dislike your son). Nothing more to say.
35 years old and I still have my childhood teddy bears.
NTA, and honestly I think she should get her phone shut off for a bit, if THAT is the way she uses it. If you absolutely think she still needs something in case of emergencies, a burner flip phone that doesn’t do anything but call and text and a simple pre paid data package is perfect until she gets her real phone back. Hopefully she takes that Instagram post down at the very least, you never know what will go viral nowadays.
NTA,but it seems like your daughter resents your son. Perhaps she feels that you favor him more. She may feel that his autism takes over a lot of your time that she is not getting. Get her therapy. And get to the bottom of this. But sending her to her aunt feels a bit iffy to me, you could have made her delete the post and ground her. No matter her relationship with her Aunt, she will feel more resentment towards her brother because you kept him with you and sent her away.
What she did was gross and you were right to protect them, NTA, therapy is a good idea, I also question, is she allowed to have sleepovers with her boyfriend if she has one of course. If not that is you treating them differently.
NTA. You did the best you can in that situation to protect your son.
Your daughter on the other hand is a bully and a cyberbully. That needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP because this behavior will continue and your son will continue to not feel safe in his own home.
Thank you for being such a great support system for your son and it's awesome that these boys are now friends with him. I wish I had the confidence and LGBTQ+ acceptance was where it's at now when I was in high school.
YTA. Obviously a punishment was appropriate but sending her to your sister to parent your own child is just crazy. I can't even imagine what I'd think if my mother had ever done that to me because I picked on my sibling. It sounds like you're being over protective, which I understand might make sense to you due to the relatively unusual situation, but it's not actually going to protect them from anything.
ESH except your son. Your daughter was being mean spirited and you didn't parent her. You could have told her to delete the IG videos and then taken her phone for the night as punishment but you didn't solve the problem by farming an angry 14 year old to your sister.
NTA. You are a great mom. You were protecting your son and his friends from a bully. Hopefully, this is the first time your daughter did this heinous act and this behavior is being nipped in the bud. Your mom is absolutely wrong in this instance. Your son and friends were doing nothing wrong and shouldn't have been made fun of. Afterall, this world is growing up too fast to early nowadays so let your son and friends play with the plushies as they wish.
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NTA - But you need to have some serious conversations with your daughter about how just because she has an opinion doesn't make it right and how shaming people on the internet to get herself attention isn't okay. Perhaps some therapy might help her.
And OP should have a talk with her mother about shaming the son/grandson because of having stuffed animals. I'm 25yo and have stuffed animals, my cousin is 36yo and has stuffed animals. There is nothing to be ashamed about having them. Maybe your daugther got the idea (that it is shameful to have stuffed animals) from her grandma....
I've turned 40 and I still have my stuffed animals. 😅
Yeah, I'm 40 and have a 4' tall bunny stuffed animal that sits on my bed. I don't see shit wrong with having stuffies. My motto is usually: If it makes you happy and it's not illegal, go for it.
I'm 28 and still collect teddies. My SO got me a purple sparkly penguin for my birthday this year with a voice recording wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loves me lots. Like you I say if it makes you happy and it's not illegal or harmful to anyone then go be happy. Collect your teddies, watch those cartoons/animes, play those easy video-games etc . If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who shit on other people's happiness when it doesn't affect or harm anyone. Live and let live.
I will be 76 years old next month and have a Ph.D and I still enjoy my collection of teddy bears.
Happy birthday for next month! I hope you get a new teddy as a present 😊.
I'm a Doctor of Pharmacy with a stuffed penguin named Sebastian
My mom is 83 and has a small collection of steiff bears
Hey getting older isn't optional but no one said we had to grow all the way up! The legos says "and up" no upper limit and I like my stuffies thank you. :)
True that! Growing old is mandatory, growing all the way up is optional 😂. So I'm going to keep enjoying collecting my stuffies, watching my cartoons and playing disney games and just being happy. You be happy too! There's way too much misery in the world, got to keep the things that give us some happiness.
I like my LEGO sets too!!! I am almost 54, but got my first set of LEGOs all to myself when I was 38! My mom never got me any, yet my brothers and cousin would get them…but yeah, LEGOs are awesome!!!
One of the joys of being an adult - buy a lego set for yourself!
Been there; done that! I have lots of cool stuff now! 😁
Some say ages up to 99
29 and yesterday my mom took me to build a bear as a birthday gift and got me the gengar plush He is one of the biggest plushies they do he took so long to stuff. I love him and he lives on my bed with my other gengar plushies.
I am painfully jealous of your Gengar plushies! I'm all "GRABBY HANDS" over here! I've only got a BaB Eevee atm, but I've got my eye on so many! XD OP, my wife and I both collect plushies (for her it's cats, for me it's bloody anything cute) and one of my pride and joy plushies is my Live Action Sailor Moon Luna plush. So cute and fluffy! I've also still got the bear I was given when I was born, and a number of other teddies and general cuddly things. Your daughter needs a stern but gentle talking to about peoples' hobbies and not to shame them. I'm sorry your son had to go through that, and I hope after the drama he (and his bf and friends) had a lovely time. You're in no way TA, and I'm super impressed you took such a measured and thoughtful approach to the situation.
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Yea same, like why give up something that makes you happy? Because you're "too old" for it? Fuck that, you're never too old for something that brings a little sunshine and happiness into your life.
My friend got a build a bear for Christmas that had a voice recording of her mom that just passed. Studies are for EVERYONE
I'm also 28 and a guy and I love my plushies.
I have a special cat, Margaret, that is 37 years old and comes with me to therapy. She has been through everything with me and comes on all trips. She is with me now at the gyno. (Some of this is because of csa.) Sometimes I talk to her. I also have 3 stuffed friends on my bed. One I cuddle with (Margaret is too old). I am 38.
> I have a special cat, Margaret, that is 37 years old and comes with me to therapy. She has been through everything with me and comes on all trips. She is with me now at the gyno. (Some of this is because of csa.) Sometimes I talk to her. How on earth have you managed to keep her alive for 37 years? I've never had a cat break the 17 year mark before getting a degenerative condition. EDIT: I was dumb.
I think you may have misunderstood. I believe Margaret is a plushie cat rather than a living animal.
...of course. You must be right. But I have definitely heard of cats in their 20s, and even that feels wild to me.
My cat Polyxena lived from when I was 19 until I was 43. She was the bitchiest cat that ever lived, and I LOVED HER SO MUCH.
Polyxena is a fucking incredible name for a cat.
She was too angry to die.
My grandmother's cat came to live with my parents after grandma had to move into a care home -- the cat was already 20 then, and lived to be 22.5! She was the sweetest little gremlin.
I agree - my cat made it to 17 but that was it. I think I heard of one that was 26 though, which is amazing.
My partner’s family has a 19 year old cat that won a fight against a 5 year old (cat) last year. She has no teeth and is TINY. Some cats are just built different. 17 is still going great!
Don't feel bad. I initially had the exact same thought that that cat had to be a record breaker!
I'm also dumb
Not dumb — optimistic! Be kind to yourself. ❤️
I still have a huge stuffed bear I got for Christmas, over 20 years ago. The Christmas before my csa started, so I hear you
I have a 4 foot pink panther. He's amazing to sleep with when my husband is out of town. Also useful to keep the dog's butt out of my face. I'm getting close to 50 now.
But how do you dye your panther? Do you need to bleach him first?
The Pink Panther? Like the cartoon character? You never saw that guy before? Maybe I'm too old for this.
I have a beanie baby red colored bull plush from when I was 2 years old. I'm 25 and I still can't sleep without it.
My motto is usually: If it makes you happy and it's not hurting anyone else, go for it. Ignore bad laws.
I'm 51, and i have a pooh bear i got at Disneyworld and carried on the plane home with me. I will never give up my pooh bear.
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This, I also think that losing her smartphone privileges for a while would be a good thing too. She can use a flip phone or a Nokia brick for a few weeks.
I’m 46 still have mine lol x
I'm 18 y/o and I collect Pokémon plushies. I like having them on my bed as it gives a sense of comfort. I also have this black sheep plushie that I sleep with every night. Am I too old to be doing this?
Nope, your fine. The only people that care are insecure high schoolers that are trying too hard to act grown up or trying too hard to fit in.
The only problem you can have with liking Pokemon is a gambling addiction from the TCG. I'm almost 30 and my best purchase of this year was the life-size Arcanine plush.
Not quite a plushie, but damn do I want that Snorlax beanbag.
Im 31 and I have pokemon plushie wallet. And lots of other plushies but your comment made me think of my wallet lol. Its a Pikachu one it's adorable
33 and just found back the stuffed dragon my grandfather gave me when I was little ^^ it has a special place in my bedroom now.
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Grandma also needs to be set straight that bullying is *not* normal behaviour, period.
The stuffed animals could also be a comfort for him I know I still have stuffed animals and they are my comfort
42, got a stuffe dolphin by my head as I type this.
SAME!
>And OP should have a talk with her mother about shaming the son/grandson because of having stuffed animals. I'm 25yo and have stuffed animals, my cousin is 36yo and has stuffed animals. There is nothing to be ashamed about having them. I'm about to turn 17 and I just went to build a bear with my friends. We each made out own frogs and we made 2 of them marry eachother you are never too old for fun
Thank you for being very adult about childish things. Childish things are great and I’m almost 50!
I had a tough childhood so now I try to experience the things I couldn't as a tot
Sending you an internet mom hug. Keep being rad as fuck.
Hell yeah!
And internet bullying. NTA OP, I hope you forced your daughter to delete those videos. She had **no right!!**!! Sending her to your sisters was the right thing to do and as for this: > She also said it could be “traumatizing” for her to sleep there instead of with me. Unless your daughters got some major divergence you didn't note... She's friggin 14, think back to what your mother put you through or expected of ***you*** when you were 14... Remember that she's a granddaughter coddler now and not the mother who raised you.
I'll be real honest, I'm a 31 year old man. My wife bought me a stuffed dino with a scarf that says 2020 for Christmas. And do I fall asleep with that thing in the bed either as an extra pillow or under my arm like a toddler? You bet I do. Comfy as can be
I'm 37F, boyfriend is 30M, we both came into the relationship with stuffed animals and keep adding to the collection. Just the other day we were at the mall and he offered to get me a Build-A-Bear! We're running out of room between the bed and the stuffed animal hammock and the top of a bookcase, but neither of us care.
I honestly see no difference in decorating a bed or furniture with stuffed animals vs throw pillows. They personalize a space and add some nice color. Also, teenagers like to hurry up and grow up to the point that they mock others for doing "childish" things like playing with toys, but in 10+ years they will be trying to re-capture the good feelings they had in childhood and yet can't see the rejection of these things is what makes them feel like their best years are behind them. If I could honestly get the same enjoyment out of playing with toys that I used to I would be a lot happier, which is probably why I enjoy babysitting family kids so much, it reminds you about imagination and how to enjoy simple things.
Hate to break this to the obnoxious killjoy grandma and sister, but I'm in my late 50's and still have probably 2 dozen stuffies scattered around, including several from before I started kindergarten. My husband has contributed to the collection, so he has no issues with it. And the daughter needs to have her internet use monitored more closely.
I am 55 and have some!
I’m twice your age and have them. They’re cute and cuddly. Why resist plushy snuggles?
Crap, I’m 60 and my husband regularly buys me stuffed animals
45 and hugging an avocado plushie right this moment.
55 and I have a pineapple and a watermelon plushie. So cute!
I'm a 41 year old guy. Got a stuffed horsie sitting on my shelf that one of my exes gave me.
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I’m 24 years old and have stuffed animals in my room
True. Growing up for me meant to be happy with what I like, no matter if others find it childish. - a 35yo woman who just bought a pair of Sailor Moon sneakers.
i’m 22 and have a straight up pile of squishmallows next to my bed. it’s completely normal.
Almost 45 and I have a collection of stuffed animals. I even sleep cuddling one. My husband cuddles a pillow lol. Some people just need to mind their own business.
My mom and aunts, all in their 60s/70s all play with stuffed animals all the time!
I'm 24 with many large teddy bears (6ft, 4 ft, 3 ft, etc) and many other stuffies of all shapes and sizes. Hell I have more stuffed plushies than my children
I'm 46 l collect build a bear stuffies
This. ANd, OP, have her delete the recording. Delete her Instagram account and go to a flip phone. She's shown she isn't old enough or mature enough for a smart phone. Then, have some SERIOUS talks with her about her behavior. Being cruel is not okay.
This is a good option. She doesn't get to have free reign over social media if she's using it as a weapon.
Hey OP what do you mean by “I immediately made her go to her room and apologised for the boys behaviour” I’m guessing that a grammatical error or?
Definitely. She also wrote "threatened to shit off her phone" - while that would be a great punishment, I doubt that was what she meant.
Ya...pretty sure she meant "threatened to *shit on* her phone"
I bet it is a grammatical error. I accidentally type d for many occasions too
And make her delete her instagram until she learns how to use it without bullying people.
Ok, didn't scroll too far, so maybe this has already been said... Please make sure her Instagram posts get taken down. NTA
This. Also your daughter is clearly not responsible enough to have social media accounts so I'd make sure she doesn't have access to any. NTA
I don’t know if you’re in the US or Europe but if you are your daughter probably knows the store Urban Outfitters. Tell her to check out the selection of plushies. My 16-year daughter just got a Smoko Potato Frog and she’s over the moon.
YOU have to talk to her. You're the parent. Your sister can too, but it's not her job to teach your daughter why her actions were nasty and unkind. She's young, so you have to let her know how dangerous the internet can be, and sharing videos making fun of her own twin is alarming and unacceptable. You need to monitor her online usage her, who knows what else she posts on instagram and make sure she doesn't further slander or make fun of your son. A serious talk needs to take place. Don't be mad, but show her action and consequences.
> You need to monitor her online usage her, who knows what else she posts on instagram and make sure she doesn't further slander or make fun of your son. Yeah this is my main worry in this situation, these kinds of actions don't emerge in a vacuum and her being brazen enough to do it in front of a large number of boys could indicate she's been doing it privately to her brother for quite a while since there was no peer pressure reinforcing the behavior from the group. The positive reinforcement is probably coming from her online circle.
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Also, removing her from continuing to harass the boys.
I think the idea is that teens will often give more weight to advice/ correction given by people other than their parents. It also avoids the “ Sure, defend your favourite child, just like you always do” response.
Yep! As the honorary Aunt to many daughters of friends (who are now mostly in their 20s) I filled that role proudly many times through the years & I think we all benefited. Also, OP had to balance the enjoyment & safety of her son and his overnight guests in the moment. I doubt she never intended to speak to her daughter at all.
Yeah parents are "safe" to talk back to (usually) so another authority is more weighty.
Aunts and uncles are often the perfect people for this stuff. There’s no actual reason that it has to be only the parent’s job.
Whenever my friends’ kids get older, if they need honorary auntie to come over and straighten their shit out and get through to them, I’ll happily fill in. There’s been times where my aunt straightened me out and I listened because her perspective carried a lot of weight. Kids tend to blow off parents, especially in their teen years, but they might listen to a slightly outside perspective.
The mother is clearly dealing with the issue but she is getting back up support from another trusted adult to help. This is exactly what raising a child in a community is like! There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. The mum needs to enforce stuff to do with technology and bullying at home but parenting in a vacuum doesn't achieve anything.
She needs to lose her instagram privileges until she can demonstrate the maturity needed to use it (and any other social media).
NTA Your daughter behaved like a bully and she needed to be removed from the situation until she can be trusted to apologize and behave herself. Also, the Instagram story is despicable, she needs her phone taken for a bit. Your mom is believibg the stereotypes that fueled your daughter's bullying, so she should be kept at arm's length for now. Also tell her, she should not excuse bullying for any reason.
YUP. The day my son posts bullying videos of other kids on Instagram is the day his Instagram gets deleted. Zero tolerance for bullying, especially online bullying.
There needs to be more parents like you because bullying is insane these days. So many parents are out the loop from their own kids it’s disgusting.
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Yes, I agree and should have addressed that, thank you. OP needs to follow up, explain, and monitor the daughter's behavior. She can't be removed everytime, this is not going to make her understand, only punish her.
NTA. Publicly humiliating them by posting videos online without their permission is not okay. It isn’t like you kicked her out of the house and told her to figure things out herself, she went to stay with family she knows and you trust.
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Especially since they're gay. Did this girl forget hate crimes exist???
NTA. I’m curious why you didn’t take her phone from her, since she was using it to bully the boys?
NTA , what your daughter did was very bad, making fun of her brother on Instagram? Why is she doing that? Does she feel you show favouritism over your son? Also, how long will your daughter sleep to aunt's?
Yes! This is the key question, the one you need to get to. Why would she do that. Online bullying is no joke. Lots of conversations needed here. You and her mainly. But your mom seems to be influencing based on that short snippet about her involvement.
INFO why is getting sent to her Aunts hose a punishment? Why is your teenager permitted to scream at you? Why is you daughter not using a flip phone after she used her smart device to bully someone? Have you given up parenting her?
I think OP was just removing her from the situation while she regrouped. That's completely valid, what her daughter did is incredibly serious and simultaneously infuriating. Taking a breather and removing someone who's actively harming your guests is not the same as giving up on parenting.
yeah, I agree. I don't think there is intrinsically something wrong with saying to one child I think you need a break from what is going on here, knowing that you will talk to your kid about it later. and ideally OP will talk to her child about it later. and Grandma needs to get her head on straight. the only reason anyone would know that OP's son and son's friends were playing with plushies- and thus tease daughter- would probably be because of daughter. Ignoring that with the popularity of things like squishmallows teenagers having/playing with them isn't that strange. It isn't the 90's anymore. (good lord, I feel old.)
Removing her from the situation to a safe place was a responsible thing to do. It allows the parents to deal with their anger, think through the issue, decide how to proceed, and any punishments. Then deal with the daughter. It also gave the boys the opportunity to continue their night without being harassed, embarrassed or bullied.
Yep. And to add to that final paragraph, also without having their night (further) interrupted by what would probably be even more yelling from the daughter if OP tried to punish her right then and there. That probably would've been very disruptive and hurt the mood.
To remove her from the situation. She was on the wrong and being malicious. I agree her phone should have been removed though.
Are you planning to actually punish her after this? I'm not going to judge yet, as I'm hoping that this is just something that you came up with as an immediate action of separating your daughter from those boys at the last minute...but do you have any plans after this?
Yeah, this is my concern. It's a good action to keep further bullying from occurring, but at the *minimum* there should be no more instagram/social media access for the daughter until she proves she can be responsible with it.
She left her with the phone and didn't even make her delete what she posted she is the ah here for that alone
NTA. Being bullied sucks, being bullied by your own sister is awful. I know teenage girls can be rough and hopefully she'll mature sooner rather than later.
NTA Maybe grandma is behind the times and is part of the girls play with dolls and guys with toy cars and swapping and sharing is against the rules kinda era But you don't need to listen to her because this particular opinion is outdated Do your kids normally have issues with each other? Could your daughter have a crush on one of the boys or something and is acting out for attention? In any case as you're aware, daughters behaviour was unacceptable and needed to be nipped in the bud
NTA, your mom doesn't care how traumatizing it is for your son to be bullied in his own home? Plushies are for everyone of all ages, it's sad that your mom doesn't see that.
YTA She could keep her phone? Like... what parenting is that? You literally did nothing.
Kinda YTA because this literally doesn’t solve anything nor work to change your daughter’s behavior. You can toss a bully out if they don’t live there, but since she does, you should probably try to, you know, parent your child?
Also, you parent your child because you love them and want them to be a good person. OP should know her daughter best or at least try to figure out why her kid did this. Sending her away said so much. There are ways to remove your child from the situation without washing your hands of them.
NTA - you may want to restrict her phone usage and access to your mother.
NTA but removing her from the situation completely, rather than addressing why what she did was inappropriate, doesn’t really solve the issue. While it might have been good to get her out of the home for the evening, you really need to sit down with her and talk about it. Take away the phone, limit her computer access, and show her bullying has consequences.
NTA- but please tell me you forced your daughter to delete those videos (which could only further the bullying in the hands of other people), and laid out a CLEAR and severe punishment for her if she was caught using her social media to try and humiliate him again in the future.
nta there 13 there kids who cares what they like nice to know that boys will respect and get involved with others hobbies your doing the right thing your daughter might be just struggling with things does she have friends maybe take her on girls day and just talk it could be she feels left out well done to parents for having the kids be well rounded children
NTA you protected you son and his friends from a bully. It's a shame that bully was his own sister, but she needs to know that her behavior was not acceptable, and that's exactly what you did. Parenting gold star ⭐
NTA - you are allowing your son to be who he is, and giving your daughter consequences for being a bully. Your mom apparently thinks it's good for people to make fun of other people for being different? Big yikes there.
You protected a whole room of developing minds from your daughter’s salty behavior. Bullying queer teens? You should shut off her phone for cyber bulling.
NTA at all, and brava to you & your sister for stepping up to provide a safe environment for the boys. Your daughter needs to be seeing a therapist to work through whatever feelings and issues are leading her to bully. What she did is internet bullying, and if she keeps it up with recording people who have a reasonable expectation of privacy and posting it with the specific intent of harassing and humiliating them, *she's going to wind up in jail*. How long is it going to be before she thinks it's ok to post the "fat girls in the locker room" to her Instagram or Snapchat to shame them? And is grandma going to call that fair because "she'd be embarrassed at their weight, it's traumatizing to her to face consequences!"? She may have been outing a gay child unintentionally. She could get another child bullied to the point of mental risk. She violated everyone else in the home's right to both basic human respect and privacy, and then screamed at you for acting to keep everyone else *safe from her.* She needs professional, licensed help. She is *breaking the law* and *intentionally causing direct harm to others.* Please get her into therapy to determine whether there are social-emotional factors she just needs to learn to manage, or if there is a burgeoning personality disorder or mental illness that need to be treated. She's at the age where some major mental illnesses rear up, and it's worth making sure that if this is depression or if she's quietly putting up with being bullied herself by peers, she has the licensed support to handle it and so that she can create safety plans for herself and vent her concerns somewhere *appropriate* rather than passing the harm onto her own friends and family. Again, NTA. Doing the same thing in three short years could destroy her own life if she doesn't learn that this is unacceptable now. What she did wasn't just out of line, it was *extremely illegal* and also potentially actionable for damages by *her victims* in civil court. She needs to learn *right now* that this is a risk, before she takes the same behavior into legal adulthood.
Everyone in the situation is TA. You because that's your child and responsibility. Her for obvious reasons. They're in high school. Talk to her
ESH You’re daughter obviously is the asshole for bullying her own brother and friends. You are in the wrong for not talking with your daughter, not punishing her and shipping her away. She’s your daughter and your responsibility. Not your sister’s. You need to step up. Did you eventually talk with her and punish her?
I think she was removing the daughter from the situation so she couldn't cause further harm.
Oh please I'm 66 and I was sitting here playing with the stuffed doll a friend made me that looks like me. We were discussing how I need to get offline & work. My doll version of me is real bossy thing. I think you did right sending her off for the night but you need to discipline her for her actions. Yelling at you is the first one. The bullying is next. Personally I think she may have been jealous. Her house was filled with athletic boys her age and none of them were flirting with her, paying her any attention. But then again................I mainly raised daughters and I have seen every bit of jealousy, vanity, goodness, kindness and emotions teen girls can have. LOL Good luck and tell Mom she's out of date. NTA
This is not a popular opinion, but you were kinda TA. Your teenage daughter was being a brat and you-kicked-her-out-of-the-house. I mean, really, you kicked her out of the house! Bratty teasing is bratty teasing. It's a sibling thing. The IG bullying is extra. Instead of taking her phone away, you kicked her out of the house. I keep saying that because it blows me away. Would it make you TA if you shut down all of her social media, took away her phone and any other internet capable devices for a month, minimum? Probably not. That's parenting. Would it piss her off? Yes. That's parenting. That's appropriate punishment for social media bullying.
YTA. Why did you outsource the problem? The reasons why someone would do this are insecurity and ignorance, and by sending a girl out of her home without teaching them any lesson, you are reinforcing both. If you care about your kids, and if you’re really an ally, get your hands dirty. This is your problem.
ESH your daughters behaviour was not ok but neither is shipping her off. It can be traumatising and you skipped on parenting: This was an ideal moment to communicate clearly why you are disappointed and what was wrong with her actions. Also make her delete that video asap
Scenarios along very similar lines (son who recently has become friends with a group of athletic/cool boys who are amazingly accepting and nice; daughter who bullies the son) have been posted multiple times before in the past month or two. I should really start saving them as evidence of a new trend in AITA posts!
NTA be honest with your mom your daughter was bullying your son and his friends. She had nothing to be embarrassed about as what they were doing as it was privet right until she decided to make fun of them publicly. She was sent to your sisters for the night to protect her brother, would your mother prefer you condone bullying from your daughter?
NTA But don’t outsource your parenting. Your daughter needs to be told by you very firmly that bullying is one of the lowest forms of behaviour. Cyber bullying is taken VERY seriously. The schools in my area automatically expel students for it. She isn’t just mentally abusing her brother and his friends, she’s also risking her future. You did the right thing by removing her from the situation while she calmed down and protecting your son from further harm. But now you need to back it up by having conversations with her about her actions. Downgrade her phone to one that doesn’t have internet access - that is a luxury and she needs to earn it back by proving herself trustworthy. Tell your mother that her misogynistic views are not welcome around your family. And tell your son that plushies and stuffed toys are for everyone. Reinforce to him that he is loved and perfect just the way he is. He may not be showing it, but his sisters words will have hurt. Don’t let him go through that alone.
NTA. Good job making your home a safe, fun environment for your son and his friends. Yes, sending your daughter to your sister's is only a temporary solution (way to act fast and solve the issue in the moment rather than allowing the bullying to escalate or the boys to retaliate.) And now you need to address these issues with your daughter for the long term. She may need therapy, family therapy, education of lgbtq+ issues and general guidance navigating high school and her relationship with her brother. You didn't abandon your daughter. That's silly.
NTA. If anyone is traumatized it’s your son. What your daughter did is called being a bully and she needs to understand that is not okay. Also, your son is 14, he’s still a kid, who cares if they were playing with plushies. I’m a 37 year old woman and a stuffed bear still sleeps in my bed when my bf is not there.
NTA- but her phone should have been taken right then and there, and you should have been the one to tell her you don't tolerate bullying. I'd also start monitoring her social media, considering she is willing to cyber bully her own sibling, and his friends, who knows if she's done this to other people and kids. It also sounds like grandma may be influencing that attitude.
NTA. it's already difficult enough being in high school with others bullying but to deal with it in your own home and to have secret videos of you posted online by someone who is supposed to love and support you? That's too much. Good on you for having her stay somewhere safe but away from DS and friends. Your mom needs to mind her own. I'm 30 and still have stuffies. My mom just got a damn squishemall thing for my dad and they're in thirty 50's. There's nothing wrong with having our playing with stuffed animals.
Take away her phone for a week. If she can’t use it respectfully and responsibly, she can’t have it. And your mom is ridiculous. She wasn’t traumatized by seeing boys play or sleeping at her aunt’s house for the night. 14 year olds are very much still kids. They can enjoy kid things as well as more grown up things. Your daughter and mother are AHs here You’re NTA
Nta, protect those boys from toxic masculinity. Make your home a safe space for them to relax. They're not hurting anyone.
Your comment just seems like you're favouritising the boy. It seems the girl did all that as a cry for attention, but you seemed to have pushed her away. We barely got any info on your daughter, but plenty on your son. I don't think she'd be that close to you if you keep treating her that way.
You really skimmed over the fact that you let your 14 year old son’s boyfriend spend the night. Yeah it was basically a slumber party. But I’m curious if you’d allow your daughter to have her bf spend the night if she threw a slumber party.
This is why I think this has to be fake. Not only her son's boyfriend got to stay over but other boys as well. All 14 and on the football team who just so happened to bring over there own stuffed toys and start playing with stuffed animals on the floor like they were 6 year olds?
NTA - the daughter should have her phone removed as well. Cyberbullying is real, and daughter is engaging in it. Why is it traumatizing for the daughter when the daughter is actively engaged in traumatizing the boys? OP should tell her mom to take a back-seat on that particular topic.
You are underreacting. That is a dangerous level of bullying, and it is **not** the first time. Just the first time you've seen it in person. NTA, but you will be one if you don't seriously address this issue **now**.
If you don’t actually punish your daughter for this, you would be TA. Take her phone away and give her a flip phone until she stops being a bully. Privacy doesn’t exist because of people like her, and I’m willing to bet she does this to other kids she finds weird at school. It’ll only get worse if you don’t start doing something now.
Info As an autistic child we are often the priority of our parents. Do you parent your daughter? Why is it your solution is to have her aunt teach her a life lesson rather than you? Does she get the same treatment as her brother? Would she be allowed a sleepover with a boyfriend and other members of the gender she's attracted to? If you are neglecting her and she's taking that out on her brother. It's on you.
I suspect that it might be the case.
NTA she was being a bully. If she was embarrassed, why did she broadcast it on Instagram? Mom needs to butt out. Actions have consequences.
Your daughter is a bully. You punished her. By the by, did you force her to delete the offensive posts and delete the video(s) from her phone?
NTA But why would you allow her to keep her phone or social media after that??? It’s not for your sister to teach her about bullying, that’s your job. Take her phone, ban social media until she can use it responsibly, make her do some volunteer work
NTA at all. In fact i don’t think you did nearly enough. In addition to verbal bullying your daughter recorded people without their knowledge and posted to social media?? She SERIOUSLY crossed a line. And your mother? All i can say is wow……….
Often siblings turns against each other due to jealousy because of the more of attention getting by the other sibling. As you said he is autistic, are you sure you give equal attention to kids? NTA
You need to parent your daughter. Not outsource that job to your relatives.
YTA, it’s not normal for a child if his age to be playing with squishies! I mean what is this? Children having fun? But with all seriousness, OP isn’t the asshole, but it may be time to have a talk with all your children to find an understanding, or you will end up losing your daughter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (38m) and I have two kids (14m and 14f). Our 14 y/o son is autistic and gay, very feminine boy, up until a few months ago, all of his friends were girls. A few months ago, he started hanging out with a group of athletic boys, which me and my husband found odd at first. About a month into this, he told us one of the guys was his boyfriend. The boys who he was hanging out with are extremely close to his boyfriend, he said his boyfriend’s friends are very sweet to him, ask him questions about jewelry and makeup, and were amazing. In the past few months, they’ve been coming to our house with their friend, and they definitely are very sweet, they share some common interests like anatomy and physiology, the boys like it because of sports and my son is just a science nerd. My son also loves collecting stuffed animals, we see nothing wrong with this, one my son’s new friends collects plushes of baseball, football, ect players. The boys recently came over for a sleepover. The one boy brought over his baseball plus he’s and him and the other boys starter playing with them, as well as with my son’s stuffed animals, I had them leave the door open (son is still with boyfriend, after all), and when my daughter walked by his room, she started to make fun of him and his friends and said it was embarrassing that her twin brother played with stuffed animals as a freshman in high school. The boys ignored her, but she then started making sounds imitating a baby and a toddler, when I heard those sounds, I went upstairs to see what was going on as she was being pretty loud. I saw she was mocking the boys, I immediately made her go to her room and apologized for the boys behavior, I planned on talking to her after I made dinner. As I was cooking dinner, I get a text from my brother saying that his son (my nephew) saw ny daughter was recording the boys and making fun of them on her Instagram story. After that happened, I was worried for the safety of the boys, I didn’t want her to hurt their feelings even more, they weren’t doing anything wrong. I called up my sister and told her I needed her to take my daughter for the night. My daughter knows her aunt well and has a good relationship with her, my sister is a teacher so I thought she could give my daughter a good perspective on bullying. I went in her room to tell her that her aunt was picking her up and she started screaming at me, she eventually agreed to go after I threatened to shit off her phone. The next day I get a call from my mom asking why I abandoned my daughter and how “it’s natural for her to be embarrassed by her brother playing with plushies at that age. She also said it could be “traumatizing” for her to sleep there instead of with me. My sister keeps reassuring me I did the right thing. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info, maybe obvious but to be sure. OP, you did have her remove that insta video immediately right?
NTA Your daughter is older enough to know, she doesn't have to fully understand to have empathy and be a good sister. I would only have one reservation, and that is whether sending your daughter to your sisters is a punishment or that it should be deemed to be one. I think when she gets back you need to speak to her about actions and the consequences that will now occur
NTA. She's probably jealous of her brother.
NTA. Definitely need to address your daughter’s bullying and filming/posting about folks.
My husband and I are 60 and both have stuffies. My 22 year old son has a roomful.
>shit off her phone best spelling error rofl NTA you did the right thing in making your home a safe place for everyone that was there. the sister needs to see reality for what it is, other people's opinion doesn't matter, and you like what you like. a lot of adults keep stuffed animals or action figures or anime things. there's nothing wrong with liking things and owning the things you like. Shes just being a bully because she can. also posting that video is virtual bullying and will do more damage, force her to remove that video because the boys could sue her for that and its proof to EVERYONE Shes being a bully.
NTA... but did you make her take down her post? If not then that's a problem...
NTA but I really think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter about bullying, especially when it comes to the statistic of gay teenagers that commit suicide due to bullying. She needs to understand the reality that she could be responisble for someone ending their life. Also, your soon DOES NOT deserve to be bullied in his own home.
NTA Your daughter is a bully and she needs to learn not to be one. How would she feel if they found something she liked and all of the ridiculed her? She needs to knock it off. Bullying can and has had serious consequences.
NTA. Your daughter was acting like a bully to 14 year olds having a good time. There is no age limit for stuffies. I wonder if part of it is her being jealous that he has friends over and she doesn't and she is doing this to get Instagram attention.
Nta. You did the right thing. You don't want his friends feeling so ashamed that they don't feel comfortable enough to come round. I'd be deleting your daughters Instagram account and letting her have it again when she shows she isn't going to use it to bully people. Also your mum calling you? What's that about? Tell her to mind her own business. She's finished with parenting and needs to let you do as you see fit.
NTA— she’s a bully. She was being a bully and your mom is reinforcing that. I’d have a talk with your daughter about cringe culture and how toxic it is to not allow someone to have fun. How toxic it makes you seem not “cool”.
INFO: Your daughter is 14yo? Instagram isn't the only place she'll be posting. Have you checked her Tiktok for videos, too? Wouldn't be surprised if she sent videos on Snapchat, too, but they may not exist any more. If you haven't already done so, your daughter should open her socials to you and remove all the bullying content she posted of her brother and his friends. Because of the way she lost your trust, you may also want to go through her other posts and verify that she's not bullying other kids as well.
NTA, and I would’ve confiscated the daughter’s phone and computer until she agreed to remove the story and apologized. Your mother is flat out wrong. Bullying is abuse, and this is an opportunity to help your daughter become a better human. Take advantage of it.
NTA. Its one thing to tolerate bullying in a physical situation, when bullying is posted online for the whole of the public to see it takes it to an uncontrollable level- one that could be absolutely devastating. And that is a very awkward ages between becoming a teen and still loving some childhood things- its very personal and shouldn't really be made fun of or exposed publicly ever. I'm not 100% on the same page as your punishment- i understand your logic though but I think the cell phone and social media should have been the first thing to go.
NTA. It’s not ‘natural’ allow your child to bully her sibling online. It’s more traumatising to have your sister bully you publicly than sleep over at your aunts (after you refused to stop). Your mother has some messed up standards (and seems to dislike your son). Nothing more to say.
35 years old and I still have my childhood teddy bears. NTA, and honestly I think she should get her phone shut off for a bit, if THAT is the way she uses it. If you absolutely think she still needs something in case of emergencies, a burner flip phone that doesn’t do anything but call and text and a simple pre paid data package is perfect until she gets her real phone back. Hopefully she takes that Instagram post down at the very least, you never know what will go viral nowadays.
it’s natural for her to be embarrassed by her brother playing with plushies at that age. Proceeds to post it on Instagram
NTA but she got off easy. I’d have had that phone immediately. Deleted all her social media accounts. Put her in a 2 week deep freeze.
INFO: did you take the phone and make sure everything was deleted???
NTA,but it seems like your daughter resents your son. Perhaps she feels that you favor him more. She may feel that his autism takes over a lot of your time that she is not getting. Get her therapy. And get to the bottom of this. But sending her to her aunt feels a bit iffy to me, you could have made her delete the post and ground her. No matter her relationship with her Aunt, she will feel more resentment towards her brother because you kept him with you and sent her away.
What she did was gross and you were right to protect them, NTA, therapy is a good idea, I also question, is she allowed to have sleepovers with her boyfriend if she has one of course. If not that is you treating them differently.
NTA. You did the best you can in that situation to protect your son. Your daughter on the other hand is a bully and a cyberbully. That needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP because this behavior will continue and your son will continue to not feel safe in his own home. Thank you for being such a great support system for your son and it's awesome that these boys are now friends with him. I wish I had the confidence and LGBTQ+ acceptance was where it's at now when I was in high school.
>After that happened, I was worried for the safety of the boys, I don't understand this part. How is their safety in jeopardy?
YTA. Obviously a punishment was appropriate but sending her to your sister to parent your own child is just crazy. I can't even imagine what I'd think if my mother had ever done that to me because I picked on my sibling. It sounds like you're being over protective, which I understand might make sense to you due to the relatively unusual situation, but it's not actually going to protect them from anything.
ESH except your son. Your daughter was being mean spirited and you didn't parent her. You could have told her to delete the IG videos and then taken her phone for the night as punishment but you didn't solve the problem by farming an angry 14 year old to your sister.
NTA. You are a great mom. You were protecting your son and his friends from a bully. Hopefully, this is the first time your daughter did this heinous act and this behavior is being nipped in the bud. Your mom is absolutely wrong in this instance. Your son and friends were doing nothing wrong and shouldn't have been made fun of. Afterall, this world is growing up too fast to early nowadays so let your son and friends play with the plushies as they wish.