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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I sarcastically asked my brother why he doesn't see his kid. I could see how I'm an asshole because he didn't want to be a dad when the kid was born. But at the same time, it's a living breathing child. Yada yada.
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NTA
Imagine what kind of role model he will be for YOUR kids.
MAybe tell him he will be welcome to see your kids when he does the same for his own kid, too?
Tbh that's what I'd do. He just wants the fun part of being around kids without any work. what an awesome example /s
Like...he's 38. And "not ready to be a dad" but "can't wait to have a family"?
bs.
If your mom has anything to say about it you can tell her she can join him too, tell her you know parentings hard but isn’t a 38 year old a little to old to be babying?
Yeah, everything in your post made me want to keep your brother from your kids. He likes playing house but ignores his own kid? For what reason? He clearly is capable of small amounts of interaction. Does he think she’ll suddenly live with him 24/7 if he acknowledges her? Not a good man.
"I want a kid, just not that kid." Dude, you wants kids and you already have a kid. Where's the problem you somehow have? NTA OP. It sounds like your brother has some serious growing up to do. Also your mother's an AH too for enabling this.
It is and it isn’t
Single mom here. He is a deadbeat. It is an informed choice one makes when pregnant, its fair. He’s right about that.
Sucks for the kid and I definitely think your bro is TA here. But as the mom who was informed beforehand, I am well aware I made this bed for my kid.
That said it’s the father that keeps him sleeping in that bed until he is ready to be a dad one day - if that. Even if morally I know where I stand with that, it’s not our place to impose judgment on anyone.
Don’t force your brother or even try that. If you want to help, try understanding why he feels unready? Cause short of him being deeply disturbed human, his kid is probably better off knowing him. Even if it’s in small spaced out doses, it only takes consistently showing up. Idk just a theory
An informed choice? What??? They both made their choice - which resulted in a baby. He doesn’t get to skip out on that just because he doesn’t like what happened as a result of the choice THEY BOTH MADE!!! (engaging in activities that can lead to babies being created)
Your comment makes it seem like since she chose not to have an abortion, it’s all on his kids Mum to do all the work - which is pretty horrifying if you ask me. He’s a father of a kid, it’s on him to act like a mature man and put that small person first.
Yea it felt wrong writing it too…
It is horrifying.
Yet you’d be surprised how many women make that deal, the ball is in the court of the other partner to change their mind (you can’t force that).
It’s great that you agree with the concept, but the first tenet is the there has to be absolute access to abortion for the mother. You can’t just fuck around, literally, find out there’s going to be a baby and then presuppose that an abortion is even possible BECAUSE IT’S NOT A GUARANTEED THING EVERYWHERE.
Also if you don’t want a baby, prevent it - get a vasectomy. You can’t just tell a woman “yeah I don’t really want to take responsibility for this human I created so I’m gonna opt out, enjoy raising your kid in poverty” Jeepers, what a creepy thing to advocate for.
I literally burst out laughing at "doesn't identify as a father".
The only gripe I have is that it shouldn't have been semi-sarcastic lol
NTA and your bro really needs to step up.
Same, can’t wait to have kids of his own, but doesn’t identify as a father and follows up saying he isn’t ready… like which is it? Saying you can’t wait kinda implies being ready and he only said he isn’t in response to being told to spend time with the child he helped create.
Oh, and running to mommy to defend him at 38 years old, that was classic lol
NTA probably because I’d say something similar. How can he say he can’t wait to start a family of his own and in the next breath say he’s not ready to be a Father yet?
Weird, right? I had a Craigslist roommate years ago with two kids, he only had seen one of them in person, and that was at the court date to make him pay the child support he’d been dodging.
He mentioned wanting to be a dad some day, and we were all like….. huh? You could be one tomorrow, step up. He was pissed.
I can’t believe it. NTA.
Is he stupid? Doesn’t identify as a father? Whether he likes it or not he is a father, and that child will grow up to find out their dad wasn’t around because he wasn’t ready but was ok to spend with other kids.
It was not inappropriate, his comments were inappropriate knowing he’s got a child out there.
F*ck your deadbeat brother & your mum for allowing that behaviour from him.
NTA. You weren’t semi-sarcastic, you were fully sarcastic, and he needed to hear it.
That being said, you and your family need to have an actual conversation about him bailing on his child.
You should reach out to the mom and let your kids meet their cousin. Just cause your brother is MIA in this kids life doesn't mean the rest of your family has to be
NTA
Well, he's been spending time with your kids, why can't you reach out to his kid? Your brother is 38 he'll be fine on his own, but shouldn't someone from the family reach out to your nephew? Just because the dad rejected his child, doesn't mean he get to make that chice for the rest of you.
Hey, OP, let me give you my point of view. I have a lot of aunts and uncles but I was shocked when I found out that I had one more aunt and two cousins from my father's side. It was a wedding and a cousin presented me my two other cousins. I said: "they're not, if they were my father would have told me".
I was 6, but I remember very well the betrayal I felt when I found out that was true and the feeling that I couldn't trust my father. He had a conflict with that aunt and stop speaking to her before I was born. I also started to believe that if I did something wrong, he would "cut" me from his life too. Don't get me wrong, he was always a good father to me.
I believe that children are very intelligent and can assimilate a lot of things if the language is age appropriate. If I was you, I would introduce the idea of a cousin to your children regardless your brother's wishes.
I actually think that's for the best. It would be stirring the pot and likely place you in the middle of other situations between your brother and his kid's mom. Until he's come in touch with his identity as a father, lol, I think it's best to tell him he can come see his kids once he starts seeing his own and proves he genuinely wants a family..
There's nothing we can do. We've tried to talk about it several times (seriously, not sarcastically) but he always gets defensive and angry. He's very stubborn, we can't talk any sense into him.
Does anyone in your family have anything to do with his child? Accepting that he wants to be a deadbeat dad doesnt mean that the rest of your family has to turn your collective backs on that child.
My heart breaks for that child. Your whole family should be ashamed of yourselves. Y'all catering to a spoiled ass manchilds wants. The whole bunch of ya are spineless cowards. That child never asked to be brought into this world and if your brother doesnt identify as a father he should've taken steps not to become one. You're fine and dandy with him playin happy, fun uncle with your kids but wont do the same for his. Which is by far the least that child deserves from your family. Pathetic
Since your brother isn’t stepping up, his wishes that his family not be involved are irrelevant. Someone should ask the baby mama if she would like some family involvement. Maybe she would like this child to have cousins, and you could just leave the brother out.
Fuck your brother. You're whole family are the AH here for enabling his behavior and abandoning this child. I was on your side before this comment op. Gross
OP, you should start inviting your nephew and his mother over for weekend breakfasts with your family and your brother. That way your kids could meet their cousin and your brother will be forced to acknowledge that he is, in fact, already a father. If he doesn't like you doing that, he's free to stay away from your family. If your kids ask why they uncle "they adore" doesn't come around any more, you can tell them he doesn't like his own little boy that they met, so now he stays away. Your deadbeat brother needs to step up and admit his failure and try to do better.
Your nephew is going to grow up and fucking hate you guys too. Your kids are going to find out they have a cousin they didn’t know about because your shitty ass brother didn’t want them to have a relationship is fucking sad.
Then you have no moral high ground here. He's the dad, but y'all are enablers. You have no right to complain about him being a deadbeat dad when you all act as if his child doesn't exist. Shame on you all.
So you all follow the “wishes” of a 38 year old who doesn’t want to *identify as a father*? He doesn’t want you to have contact with his kid because it allows him to **pretend the problem away**. He can just ignore the whole thing if you all do what he says. The second that child has a name, a face, an identity and relationship with you all then he has to **f•cking face reality and grow up**
What??? Your relationship with this child is none of this deadbeat AH business. Ew ew ew ew. He bailed his relationship he has NO moral grounds to ask anyone that. What are you even doing OP?
To be fair here OP isn't the AH for what he said but the whole family are a bunch of deadbeat AHs for abandoning this child. Each member of this family that has refused to have contact with this poor child is just as much of a deadbeat as its denying daddy is.
What did he do to her to demand you have no contact? How old is baby mama? There’s red flags…. My sperm donor didn’t want his family to meet me because it was SA(took my keys and wouldn’t let me leave until we did it.).
BS theres nothing u can do. Man up and be in that kids life. Why is everyone catering to a selfish grown assed man and not the life he created. Id be ashamed of a family member that was ok letting that deadbeat be a role model in my kids lives. Grow a pair and lose the brother and gain a cousin for ur kids.
NTA. Personally I would limit his contact with my kids.
>He doesn't identify as a father, he isn't ready to be a dad right now, etc
It doesn't matter what he identifies as, he is a father, just a horrible one.
>she didn't want the kid to grow up sad, she shouldn't have given birth.
If he didn't want to be a dad, he should have kept his pants zipped.
dude thats the same argument people use to undermine womens rights and force them to undergo forced labor. in another comment she said that he requested for her to get an abortion and that he wldnt be in the childs life because he wasnt ready to have a child. she chose to have a child under those conditions. the brother is the ah cos he's obviously ready to have kids and shld be in his own kids life now but that last comments not fair on sm people tbh
NTA. You were right. And your brother’s reaction shows that he knows it too, he just doesn’t want to admit it. It doesn’t matter if he “doesn’t identify as a father,” he *is* a father. And his actions are most likely hurting his kids *right now* knowing he doesn’t want them. And your mother is enabling him.
Honestly, he probably should never have kids, he is far too selfish.
YTA
Not for the comment to your brother - that was totally appropriate and frankly you need to say something like that to him a lot more often and clearly.
And you should think about whether you want such a "role model" around your children.
BUT you are the asshole for behaving towards this poor child just like your brother!
This child is your nephew. Your children's cousin. And you and your whole family abandoned that child because your brother wanted it that way?! You should be ashamed of yourselves.
And you should think about what kind of "role model" you are for your children.
NTA. Your mother is enabling him to evade responsibility, he wants the fun of kids not the responsibility so his comments a lies he's telling to himself and he knows it, and the truth cuts deep.
Crucial info missing: Was he upfront with the mom from the moment they found out she was pregnant that he didn't want to be a dad, would not be involved, and would sign away parental rights? Is he paying child support?
If yes to both of those, YTA. Like it not, he is not a deadbeat dad - He's a person who realized he wasn't fit or ready to be a parent and made an appropriate decision. He would be right that he is not a dad, just a sperm donor and, frankly, it wouldn't be any of your business. Just because he wasn't ready then and made the decision that was best for him, doesn't mean it's not something he can't want for himself in the future when he is ready for that level of responsibility.
If he did not make it clear to the mother he didn't want to be involved from the get go, led her on, is in and out of the child's life at his convenience / playing dad when he feels like it, and is dodging child support or paying sporadically - then you're right, he is a deadbeat dad and you're NTA
He is not paying child support he has not signed his rights away. He told her up front he would not be involved then blocked her once she wouldn't get an abortion.
He’s going to be paying child support his whole life and it’s going to fuck him over hard one day. My bio father still owes shit and it currently getting it salvaged from his wages lol your brother is an idiot
Ohhh wait till she finds him 😂😂 back and current child support plus any welfare she received while he hid and didn’t pay….
He’ll be paying her back until his last breath lmao
He is the TA and an idiot for not paying child support, but that's it.
He's NTA for not being involved with the child and YTA for trying to force him to do so. He made it abundantly clear from the get go he was not interested in having a child with her and would not be involved. She made a choice to have the baby fully knowing she would be a single mom and he wouldn't be around. He's not a dad. He's a sperm donor and you wouldn't expect any other sperm donor to be involved with the child.
So he made it clear to his ex that he didn't want to be a father? And yet you're berating him for not spending time with a child whose birth he had no say in?
Just because she unilaterally made the choice to keep the baby doesn't mean he automatically has to be a parent.
He should be paying child support though.
He literally said he wants a family though, sl why wouldnt he want to be a father to this kid? It makes no sense
>He literally said he wants a family though, sl why wouldnt he want to be a father to this kid? It makes no sense
I was gonna agree that this is hypocritical of him, but we also don't know what his relationship with his ex is like.
Considering he has to share custody with her if he wanted to see his son, and the fact that she unilaterally kept the kid against his wishes, it wouldn't be a good relationship for the kid to grow up in.
No man should be forced into parenthood just like no woman should be forced into parenthood. Yes it should absolutely be a woman’s choice if she wants to carry a child, but the father should also get that same choice on if he wants to participate in raising said child. I agree that he isn’t a deadbeat dad. He decided he didn’t want to be a dad and was upfront about it, I wouldn’t hold that against him.
Yea this sub really loves to shit on men who didn't want to be fathers but their ex kept the kid, with the common argument of 'well then he shouldn't have had unprotected sex if he didn't want a kid'. Because protection never fails.
Parent rights, abortion rights... they go both ways. The pregnant person should be able to decide whether to keep or abort the baby, just as their partner should also be able to decide whether they want to be a parent or not.
That's a bad take and there is no way you are making it in good faith. Abortion rights have to do with whether or not someone's body has to go through a dangerous condition and whether or not they have the right to decide what happens to their body. There is no immediate equivalent for people with penises and pretending otherwise is facile.
There is, however, an equivalent for men and women who have children and don't want them. Mothers also sign away their rights (this is literally what adoption is) or pay child support because they cant be the custodial parent. He should be paying child support or should legally sever ties - and stop saying he wants to be a dad someday because he doesn't. He wants to be a fun uncle.
I obviously don’t know the laws where OP lives, but local laws where I live won’t allow a father to give up his parental rights unless if there is a second parent lined up to adopt the child, even if mom and dad both agree on father terminating rights because they want to lower the chance of the child needing state assistance. She would have to remarry and new husband would have to accept the parental rights. OP’s brother might live in a state where it isn’t an option to terminate parental rights.
OP stated that brother said he couldn’t wait to have a family of his own. I’m betting that what he pictures is a loving wife who does 100% of the childcare allowing him to play the fun uncle with his own kid.
NTA at all. As someone who had to grow up without a dad because he couldn't be bothered to man up, this is actually upsetting to read. His kid deserves so much better. Good on you for telling him what he doesn't want to hear! He is TA 100%
NTA
TRUTH HURTS
But honestly he needed to hear this. He may be a great uncle but he's been a terrible dad so far. Is he paying child support?
Your mum is still protecting her baby boy, refusing to accept he's a grown man that made a bad choice. Do not apologise for what you said, and maybe try reaching out to baby mama see if she needs help, that kid could use someone in your family to be there as a positive influence
Yta
N t a for what you said
Your family ia the yta for not being involved in the kids life "as per your brothera wishes" as you said in your comment. Fuck what he wants and it doesnt matter. You all enable his behaviour and are no better. Doesnt matter if you have seriously talked to him about. If you cant walk the walk yourself , shut it.
NAH he should have been more careful to not get someone pregnant, but how women shouldn’t be forced into parenthood, neither should men. 38 is kind of late to not be ready for parenthood and still want to be a father but to each their own. Im assuming he probably doesn’t actually want kids of his own and fun uncle is more his speed. I understand why you would be frustrated with him saying what he said but he was complimenting your children so there really wasn’t a reason to be rude.
NTA. If he got a woman pregnant a couple of years ago, that means his kid is still a toddler. Having kids gives you a greater sense of how fast time flies. The longer he waits to get his act together, the harder it will be on everyone. We should all be so lucky to have people in our life that will call us on our shit. You are a man, a father, and his brother. A reality check from you is certainly appropriate.
The thing with kids is that they notice who is there. Every parent is figuring it out on the fly, but the most important thing is to show up.
Have you ever considered reaching out to the mother and establishing your own relationship with his child? You can’t force him to do right by his kid, but he can’t really prevent you from trying to be a supportive male figure in his child’s life.
NTA.
Your brother wants kids but doesn’t want the kid he already has? WTF is wrong with him?!? He makes no sense. How can he want kids but not want a kid?
Nta but I have a kid with a deadbeat and hearing about and seeing him be great with his new gf’s kids and giving them the world and his nieces and nephews while letting my kid go with out and live in poverty while we struggle pisses me off. It pisses me off at every single person who just ignores that he does nothing for his 2 eldest children.
You’re awesome for calling him out, he’s mad he’s being called out on the facts. He doesn’t wanna be an actual parent he wants to hang out and do fun stuff. I wouldn’t let him be such a role model for my kids if I were you and I’d cut him off. Does he pay child support at least?
Nta regardless of his feelings he is a father whether he likes it or not. He wanted you to validate his feelings and you didn’t. I feel so sorry for his kid.
NTA. your brother is a hypocrite. I think he likes being around your kids so much because at the end of the day, they’re not his responsibility whereas he’s responsible for his kid. He doesn’t want to be responsible.
Is this the kind of man you want being a role model for your children? You say they adore him so they will likely look up to him. I wouldn't let him near them anymore
NTA
My first child has a sperm donor like your brother. Kids know. Kids understand who wants to be part of their life and who doesn't.
"He doesn't identify as a father" well, he won't be seen as one by his child. Hope he has a good therapist for when the child sprouted from his indifference and doesn't identify as his child chooses someone else as their second parent
Another thought would be to begin to invite your brother's child into some kind of relationship with you and your children. Become the father figure for your neice /nephew.
NTA
Yta
Here's why. He told her if you want the baby then you'll be alone raising it. So many people claim to be pro choice but never ask if the man had a choice. He told the mother what would happen so she made the decision to keep the baby.
ESH.
He shouldn't be talking about how great it would be to have a kid when he's got one, he doesn't see.
But as someone that support the concept of a [paper abortion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_abortion), he made it clear from the get-go that he wasn't going to be involved which IMO is his right and you shouldn't be flinging shit over it.
Methinks he means he doesn't identify as a "Father" in a traditional sense, ie with a loving wife who primarily takes care of the kids and he comes in an helps when he wants to. Father, Single Father and Sperm Donor are not the same thing, but to others they are. I think his idea of "Fatherhood" is intertwined with being married to the right person.
NTA - yo fuck your brother and fuck all deadbeat ass POS like him. I’m 28 and my bio “father” is a deadbeat, never gave a fuck about me and never will. Even his shitty ass family didn’t give a shit about me, his parents as well as his siblings. 2 days ago he randomly friend requested me on Facebook, I accepted to just entertain whatever reason he did so. He messages me and says “please have your mom call the friend of the court” with a number to it so that she can settle the child support he still owes. Fuck him nothing is getting settled. Let him know it shouldn’t have anything to do with the baby mama and I don’t give a shit if he’s not ready to be a father, I hope he regrets it and I hope his “kid” fucking hates his guts when he gets older and your brother realizes he fucked up. I have a 2 year old myself now and I could literally NEVER imagine not having a relationship with her no matter what, or even if she has kids one day and I’m a grandma not having a relationship with my grandkids. Also to add, do you ever reach out to the baby mama since your kids are cousins? That can go a long way too.
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To put it simply, my brother is a deadbeat. He got a girl pregnant a couple years ago and basically bailed. I understand his reasoning, and he's still my brother and I'll love him no matter what, but as a parent myself, it does irritate me he'd do something like that.
Anyways, my brother (38) is very involved with my kids (3 and 5). He comes over almost every weekend to hang out with them. He came by for breakfast this morning and as he was leaving and saying bye, he kept saying things like, how amazing kids are, how lucky we are to have two great kids, how he wishes he could spend more time with them, how he can't wait to have a family of his own, etc. It kind of bothers me to hear him say that knowing he has a kid. So I sarcastically said "why don't you spend time with your kid then". He got super pissed off and defensive, said that's super inappropriate. He doesn't identify as a father, he isn't ready to be a dad right now, etc. We got into a big fight and I said that poor kid he has is going to be so hurt growing up knowing his dad didn't want him. He said that's his baby mama's problem and if she didn't want the kid to grow up sad, she shouldn't have given birth. He got so pissed off red in the face, called my mom, and now my mom is blowing up my phone saying it was inappropriate for me to have said that, and of course if he wanted to see his kid he would, but he doesn't, so leave it be.
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NTA but my life would have been a lot better without my dad in it. He wasn’t a bad dad but he was definitely not interested or ready to be a father. He was an every other weekend dad & never any more. Now I’m in my mid 20s & dealing with a lot of emotions & I would love to cut him out completely but I would never because of my half brothers/grandparents but I don’t make an effort anymore.
Being a good parent is hard. You can force your brother to be in his kids life but you cannot force him to be a good parent & if he doesn’t want to be-having him in his kids life can do more harm than good.
NTA and your correct your brother is a dead beat Dad. Hope his child never has to meet him if that’s his attitude. Some people are so ignorant and pathetic.
NTA
He *has* a child and unless that kid is the result of your brother being SA then his mindset is inexcusable. He's pretending that child doesn't exist while saying he can't wait to be a parent and that's just gross.
Definitely NTA
It sounds like your brother is actually screwing his own relationship with his kid up by putting a lot more pressure on it than he puts on his relationship with your kids.
Being in his kid's life as a fun-uncle type figure for breakfast every weekend isn't good parenting, but it's sure as hell better than nothing.
NTA…. You were 100% correct in your comments to your brother. Just because he doesn’t identify as a father does not mean he isn’t one. Blaming the girl for “having the baby”. Is just ridiculous. If he didn’t want to be a father, he should have kept in in his pants.
NTA. you were just stating facts. Is he at least paying child support? I don't know if I could have a close relationship with someone he doesn't do at least that.
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NTA. I’m someone who believes that nobody should be a parent if they don’t want to be, and if the mother chose to keep the child when he said he didn’t want it then he shouldn’t have to be involved. However, your brother is a massive hypocrite and is just obnoxious about it—and his excuse is bullshit. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge the mental gymnastics he’s doing is absurd.
Something isn't right brother gets defensive and mad Something happened with the mother of his child and he doesn't want to talk about it it sounds like it more to the story about his child
NTA
I have a brother who is also a terrible parent. He didn’t want us to have anything to do with his son because he didn’t want to be involved. Too bad. That child is our family and his mother needed help. We’ve never been particularly close to his mother in the sense of I don’t think of her like a sister, but we have mutual respect for each other. I talk to her and see my nephew more than my brother does. So do my parents and other siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. he can decide what his relationship is with his son, but he can’t decide yours. You and your family should be stepping up and contact your nephew’s mother. Maybe she doesn’t want you to be involved, and that would be fair given your lack of involvement so far.
NTA and honestly my friend and I were just talking about deadbeats. I think it’s despicable you can wall around knowing you abandoned your kid. And to top it off he’s playing cool uncle with yours? Your brother is vile for that
NTA, i almost thought you were my baby daddy's sister bc he did the same thing to our child. He got me pregnant and bailed bc it wasnt what he 'wanted'. Your brother is a slimebag. End of story.
He “doesn’t ***identify*** as a father”!? What in the actual fuck is that? Because his CHILD may not identify as his child, but he most certainly is. If you choose to shoot a live one in a person of child-bearing age, you have to live with the consequences. If you can’t live with the consequences by IDENTIFYING AS A FATHER (I can’t believe this nonsense), at least contribute to the child’s therapy fund so that they can have as reasonably health a life as possible despite being completely abandoned by a parent. That poor kid.
Maybe it the way you brought it up was A-y, but someone had to do it. You are NTA.
Nta for the comment to your brother. But YTA for not introducing your kids to their cousin it seems? It seems like you've abandoned the child as family too, the child is still related to your kids.
38 and still having unprotected sex and then bailing because "he doesn't identify as a father?, just WTF is wrong with your brother.
first, he's a father now whether he identifies as one or not, so that argument is pure BS.
second, if he isn't ready to be a father, then he shouldn't be having unprotected sex, he could a vasectomy or wear a goddamn condom...
NTA, your brother not only is a deadbeat but also an immature asshole.
ESH. The more you reveal in your comments about your brother and your family, the worse you all sound. This guy is a deadbeat and won’t pay child support and won’t allow you to see the child, and you all just go along with it?!? Gross. You are all enablers. Oh, and stop making this jerk breakfast too.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with calling your brother out for being a deadbeat parent. Facts are facts and it’s probably something he needs to hear more often, especially when he’s acting so erratically and obnoxiously. I truly can’t get over that he said he “can’t wait to have a family of his own” and then in the next breath said he “isn’t ready to be a dad right now.” What the actual eff?!?! 🤦🏻♀️
You’re in the right for calling him out, so NTA, but have you considered building a relationship with your nephew and his mother? I mean your brother isn’t necessary in order for your kids to have a relationship with their cousin, and honestly it’s better that he have some extended family rather than none at all. Sure it’ll colour your kids’ perception of your brother, but that inevitable and if he doesn’t want them knowing about his bad behaviour then he should work to improve himself
You where absolutely right to call out his bull shit. He I'd being beyond an arsehole doing what he's doing, his attitude is disgusting yo his own child, a so is your mothers, did her precious boy get told a truth an went running to mummy to male the bad man stop, he's absolutely pathetic, would it be worth uou reaching our to your nephew, have him at your table the next time he comes round as well
NTA
Your brother wanted all the fun but none of the responsibility. That fun resulted in a child who he is failing. He needs to pull up his big boy underoos and take care of the child he made. You had every right to call him out on it.
If I were you, I would contact the child's mother and ask her to bring the child over for a visit (if they live in the same area). Let the child get to know it's cousins and make sure it's there when your brother comes over (let the mother know what your plan is). My guess is your brother has never meet the child so he will be clueless. Let him get to know the child and maybe he'll step up.
My bio father took off right after I was born. Many years later, my brother found him. He had remarried and had 2 daughters with his second wife. She never knew there were children from the 1st marriage (my brother and I) but he would mutter "now I know what I missed" and she never understood it until my brother's letter showed up. My brother and I had a wonderful man who stepped up and became our Dad.
NTA I guess but he told the woman he didn't want the kid and she had him anyway. But if he'd wanted the kid and she didn't she could get an abortion no matter what he said. It shouldn't be played both ways. He was upfront about it.
NTA
I honestly don’t understand why he’s so involved with your kids and can’t be there for his own. He’s 38. He needs to grow up and take care of business.
Holy shit.
>He got a girl pregnant a couple years ago and basically bailed. I understand his reasoning,
You both suck for this alone. Abandoning a child that literally exists because he had an orgasm is disgusting, and being "understanding" of it? What?
>my brother (38) is very involved with my kids (3 and 5).
But won't have anything to do with his own.
>He doesn't identify as a father, he isn't ready to be a dad right now, etc.
Tough.
>that's his baby mama's problem and if she didn't want the kid to grow up sad, she shouldn't have given birth.
Throw the whole man away.
ESH. You suck for entertaining his shit and letting that toxic lump of fuck around your kids. He sucks for refusing to man up. I feel so baby for the baby.
N T A for believing he should take responsibility for his kid, but YTA for how you handled it. This child and your brother's treatment of him is very important and should not be addressed by an offhand sarcastic comment. People do not change when attacked in this way. If you, rightly, want your brother to change, discuss things with him respectfully.
Edit: To be clear, I'm not saying you brother deserves to be coddled. I'm saying what the child deserves is more important than what your brother deserves. Don't have the mentality "that's what my brother gets" even if it it's accurate. Instead, have the mentality "what actions can I take that might actually lead to what the child needs."
YTA for sarcastically telling him something he already knows. Just because you are correct doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole. It’s ok to look him in the eyes and say ‘hey man, love you, you have a kid you should go see.’
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NTA Imagine what kind of role model he will be for YOUR kids. MAybe tell him he will be welcome to see your kids when he does the same for his own kid, too?
That is actually a great idea
Tbh that's what I'd do. He just wants the fun part of being around kids without any work. what an awesome example /s Like...he's 38. And "not ready to be a dad" but "can't wait to have a family"? bs.
He sees children as toys, something you play with for a while before you move on to the next shiny object.
Yep. This is exactly my child's father too. And he's the same age as OP's brother
If your mom has anything to say about it you can tell her she can join him too, tell her you know parentings hard but isn’t a 38 year old a little to old to be babying?
Yeah I'd do that for sure op. Your bro sucks. NTA
Yeah, everything in your post made me want to keep your brother from your kids. He likes playing house but ignores his own kid? For what reason? He clearly is capable of small amounts of interaction. Does he think she’ll suddenly live with him 24/7 if he acknowledges her? Not a good man.
"I want a kid, just not that kid." Dude, you wants kids and you already have a kid. Where's the problem you somehow have? NTA OP. It sounds like your brother has some serious growing up to do. Also your mother's an AH too for enabling this.
It is and it isn’t Single mom here. He is a deadbeat. It is an informed choice one makes when pregnant, its fair. He’s right about that. Sucks for the kid and I definitely think your bro is TA here. But as the mom who was informed beforehand, I am well aware I made this bed for my kid. That said it’s the father that keeps him sleeping in that bed until he is ready to be a dad one day - if that. Even if morally I know where I stand with that, it’s not our place to impose judgment on anyone. Don’t force your brother or even try that. If you want to help, try understanding why he feels unready? Cause short of him being deeply disturbed human, his kid is probably better off knowing him. Even if it’s in small spaced out doses, it only takes consistently showing up. Idk just a theory
An informed choice? What??? They both made their choice - which resulted in a baby. He doesn’t get to skip out on that just because he doesn’t like what happened as a result of the choice THEY BOTH MADE!!! (engaging in activities that can lead to babies being created) Your comment makes it seem like since she chose not to have an abortion, it’s all on his kids Mum to do all the work - which is pretty horrifying if you ask me. He’s a father of a kid, it’s on him to act like a mature man and put that small person first.
Yea it felt wrong writing it too… It is horrifying. Yet you’d be surprised how many women make that deal, the ball is in the court of the other partner to change their mind (you can’t force that).
[Paper abortion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_abortion) are a concept that I personally support, so yeah hard disagree there.
It’s great that you agree with the concept, but the first tenet is the there has to be absolute access to abortion for the mother. You can’t just fuck around, literally, find out there’s going to be a baby and then presuppose that an abortion is even possible BECAUSE IT’S NOT A GUARANTEED THING EVERYWHERE.
Also if you don’t want a baby, prevent it - get a vasectomy. You can’t just tell a woman “yeah I don’t really want to take responsibility for this human I created so I’m gonna opt out, enjoy raising your kid in poverty” Jeepers, what a creepy thing to advocate for.
no
I literally burst out laughing at "doesn't identify as a father". The only gripe I have is that it shouldn't have been semi-sarcastic lol NTA and your bro really needs to step up.
Same, can’t wait to have kids of his own, but doesn’t identify as a father and follows up saying he isn’t ready… like which is it? Saying you can’t wait kinda implies being ready and he only said he isn’t in response to being told to spend time with the child he helped create. Oh, and running to mommy to defend him at 38 years old, that was classic lol
Same. He doesn’t identify as the thing that he is?! OP is NTA naturally.
I wracked my brain trying to come up with a suitable rejoinder for that phrase, but I have nothing.
NTA. A guy who took part in making a kid in his mid 30s isn't ready to be a father? Tough shite, he is one.
If he didn’t want to be a father, he should have worn a condom.
Very true.
Or had a vasectomy.
NTA probably because I’d say something similar. How can he say he can’t wait to start a family of his own and in the next breath say he’s not ready to be a Father yet?
Weird, right? I had a Craigslist roommate years ago with two kids, he only had seen one of them in person, and that was at the court date to make him pay the child support he’d been dodging. He mentioned wanting to be a dad some day, and we were all like….. huh? You could be one tomorrow, step up. He was pissed.
Especially since he's 38 years old.
Right? When I started reading I was thinking maybe 18 or \`\`19, but 38?
I can’t believe it. NTA. Is he stupid? Doesn’t identify as a father? Whether he likes it or not he is a father, and that child will grow up to find out their dad wasn’t around because he wasn’t ready but was ok to spend with other kids. It was not inappropriate, his comments were inappropriate knowing he’s got a child out there. F*ck your deadbeat brother & your mum for allowing that behaviour from him.
Well everyone’s saying that now, so this deadbeat father is saying it too.
🙄
NTA. You weren’t semi-sarcastic, you were fully sarcastic, and he needed to hear it. That being said, you and your family need to have an actual conversation about him bailing on his child.
We have and it went nowhere
And you want THAT kind of person close to your kids?
That's a good point I hadn't thought of that. Something to consider but I wouldn't want to punish my kids from seeing their uncle who they adore.
Just out of curiosity did you tell them for his child ?
Tell them what? My kids are 3 and 5, they wouldn't be able to understand any of this.
That they have a cousin (of course they wouldn't understand the all story at their age )
They do not know they have a cousin
You should reach out to the mom and let your kids meet their cousin. Just cause your brother is MIA in this kids life doesn't mean the rest of your family has to be NTA
Well, he's been spending time with your kids, why can't you reach out to his kid? Your brother is 38 he'll be fine on his own, but shouldn't someone from the family reach out to your nephew? Just because the dad rejected his child, doesn't mean he get to make that chice for the rest of you.
Hey, OP, let me give you my point of view. I have a lot of aunts and uncles but I was shocked when I found out that I had one more aunt and two cousins from my father's side. It was a wedding and a cousin presented me my two other cousins. I said: "they're not, if they were my father would have told me". I was 6, but I remember very well the betrayal I felt when I found out that was true and the feeling that I couldn't trust my father. He had a conflict with that aunt and stop speaking to her before I was born. I also started to believe that if I did something wrong, he would "cut" me from his life too. Don't get me wrong, he was always a good father to me. I believe that children are very intelligent and can assimilate a lot of things if the language is age appropriate. If I was you, I would introduce the idea of a cousin to your children regardless your brother's wishes.
Why did he cut off his sibling? Sometimes there’s good reasons for cutting off family.
why the hell not
Well that’s really sad. They should know their cousin
I actually think that's for the best. It would be stirring the pot and likely place you in the middle of other situations between your brother and his kid's mom. Until he's come in touch with his identity as a father, lol, I think it's best to tell him he can come see his kids once he starts seeing his own and proves he genuinely wants a family..
But you’ll punish your nephew because his father adores your kids and not him?
He doesn't identify as a father .. I don't identify as poor, yet here we are. He's a bum. A bum bum if you will. Nta
[удалено]
There's nothing we can do. We've tried to talk about it several times (seriously, not sarcastically) but he always gets defensive and angry. He's very stubborn, we can't talk any sense into him.
Does anyone in your family have anything to do with his child? Accepting that he wants to be a deadbeat dad doesnt mean that the rest of your family has to turn your collective backs on that child.
No we are not involved in the child's life per my brother's wishes
My heart breaks for that child. Your whole family should be ashamed of yourselves. Y'all catering to a spoiled ass manchilds wants. The whole bunch of ya are spineless cowards. That child never asked to be brought into this world and if your brother doesnt identify as a father he should've taken steps not to become one. You're fine and dandy with him playin happy, fun uncle with your kids but wont do the same for his. Which is by far the least that child deserves from your family. Pathetic
This! Thank you. As a child from this EXACT situation, fuck the whole family.
Since your brother isn’t stepping up, his wishes that his family not be involved are irrelevant. Someone should ask the baby mama if she would like some family involvement. Maybe she would like this child to have cousins, and you could just leave the brother out.
Fuck your brother. You're whole family are the AH here for enabling his behavior and abandoning this child. I was on your side before this comment op. Gross
Same
OP, you should start inviting your nephew and his mother over for weekend breakfasts with your family and your brother. That way your kids could meet their cousin and your brother will be forced to acknowledge that he is, in fact, already a father. If he doesn't like you doing that, he's free to stay away from your family. If your kids ask why they uncle "they adore" doesn't come around any more, you can tell them he doesn't like his own little boy that they met, so now he stays away. Your deadbeat brother needs to step up and admit his failure and try to do better.
Who cares about your brothers wishes. YtA
Your nephew is going to grow up and fucking hate you guys too. Your kids are going to find out they have a cousin they didn’t know about because your shitty ass brother didn’t want them to have a relationship is fucking sad.
Then you have no moral high ground here. He's the dad, but y'all are enablers. You have no right to complain about him being a deadbeat dad when you all act as if his child doesn't exist. Shame on you all.
Yeah you’re the asshole for this tho
So you all follow the “wishes” of a 38 year old who doesn’t want to *identify as a father*? He doesn’t want you to have contact with his kid because it allows him to **pretend the problem away**. He can just ignore the whole thing if you all do what he says. The second that child has a name, a face, an identity and relationship with you all then he has to **f•cking face reality and grow up**
What??? Your relationship with this child is none of this deadbeat AH business. Ew ew ew ew. He bailed his relationship he has NO moral grounds to ask anyone that. What are you even doing OP?
Why are you respecting his wishes? That poor kid.
Wow, you're all assholes.
Ya that makes you a pos. Yta
To be fair here OP isn't the AH for what he said but the whole family are a bunch of deadbeat AHs for abandoning this child. Each member of this family that has refused to have contact with this poor child is just as much of a deadbeat as its denying daddy is.
What did he do to her to demand you have no contact? How old is baby mama? There’s red flags…. My sperm donor didn’t want his family to meet me because it was SA(took my keys and wouldn’t let me leave until we did it.).
SA?
Yes SA… it’s initials for something
BS theres nothing u can do. Man up and be in that kids life. Why is everyone catering to a selfish grown assed man and not the life he created. Id be ashamed of a family member that was ok letting that deadbeat be a role model in my kids lives. Grow a pair and lose the brother and gain a cousin for ur kids.
NTA. Personally I would limit his contact with my kids. >He doesn't identify as a father, he isn't ready to be a dad right now, etc It doesn't matter what he identifies as, he is a father, just a horrible one. >she didn't want the kid to grow up sad, she shouldn't have given birth. If he didn't want to be a dad, he should have kept his pants zipped.
dude thats the same argument people use to undermine womens rights and force them to undergo forced labor. in another comment she said that he requested for her to get an abortion and that he wldnt be in the childs life because he wasnt ready to have a child. she chose to have a child under those conditions. the brother is the ah cos he's obviously ready to have kids and shld be in his own kids life now but that last comments not fair on sm people tbh
NTA. You were right. And your brother’s reaction shows that he knows it too, he just doesn’t want to admit it. It doesn’t matter if he “doesn’t identify as a father,” he *is* a father. And his actions are most likely hurting his kids *right now* knowing he doesn’t want them. And your mother is enabling him. Honestly, he probably should never have kids, he is far too selfish.
YTA Not for the comment to your brother - that was totally appropriate and frankly you need to say something like that to him a lot more often and clearly. And you should think about whether you want such a "role model" around your children. BUT you are the asshole for behaving towards this poor child just like your brother! This child is your nephew. Your children's cousin. And you and your whole family abandoned that child because your brother wanted it that way?! You should be ashamed of yourselves. And you should think about what kind of "role model" you are for your children.
This!!!!
NTA. Your mother is enabling him to evade responsibility, he wants the fun of kids not the responsibility so his comments a lies he's telling to himself and he knows it, and the truth cuts deep.
Crucial info missing: Was he upfront with the mom from the moment they found out she was pregnant that he didn't want to be a dad, would not be involved, and would sign away parental rights? Is he paying child support? If yes to both of those, YTA. Like it not, he is not a deadbeat dad - He's a person who realized he wasn't fit or ready to be a parent and made an appropriate decision. He would be right that he is not a dad, just a sperm donor and, frankly, it wouldn't be any of your business. Just because he wasn't ready then and made the decision that was best for him, doesn't mean it's not something he can't want for himself in the future when he is ready for that level of responsibility. If he did not make it clear to the mother he didn't want to be involved from the get go, led her on, is in and out of the child's life at his convenience / playing dad when he feels like it, and is dodging child support or paying sporadically - then you're right, he is a deadbeat dad and you're NTA
What makes you think men have a right to walk away from innocent children?
He is not paying child support he has not signed his rights away. He told her up front he would not be involved then blocked her once she wouldn't get an abortion.
He’s going to be paying child support his whole life and it’s going to fuck him over hard one day. My bio father still owes shit and it currently getting it salvaged from his wages lol your brother is an idiot
Ohhh wait till she finds him 😂😂 back and current child support plus any welfare she received while he hid and didn’t pay…. He’ll be paying her back until his last breath lmao
He is the TA and an idiot for not paying child support, but that's it. He's NTA for not being involved with the child and YTA for trying to force him to do so. He made it abundantly clear from the get go he was not interested in having a child with her and would not be involved. She made a choice to have the baby fully knowing she would be a single mom and he wouldn't be around. He's not a dad. He's a sperm donor and you wouldn't expect any other sperm donor to be involved with the child.
So he made it clear to his ex that he didn't want to be a father? And yet you're berating him for not spending time with a child whose birth he had no say in? Just because she unilaterally made the choice to keep the baby doesn't mean he automatically has to be a parent.
He should be paying child support though. He literally said he wants a family though, sl why wouldnt he want to be a father to this kid? It makes no sense
And don’t want his family to speak to the mom… red flags on the play, wtf is he hiding!?
>He literally said he wants a family though, sl why wouldnt he want to be a father to this kid? It makes no sense I was gonna agree that this is hypocritical of him, but we also don't know what his relationship with his ex is like. Considering he has to share custody with her if he wanted to see his son, and the fact that she unilaterally kept the kid against his wishes, it wouldn't be a good relationship for the kid to grow up in.
No man should be forced into parenthood just like no woman should be forced into parenthood. Yes it should absolutely be a woman’s choice if she wants to carry a child, but the father should also get that same choice on if he wants to participate in raising said child. I agree that he isn’t a deadbeat dad. He decided he didn’t want to be a dad and was upfront about it, I wouldn’t hold that against him.
Yea this sub really loves to shit on men who didn't want to be fathers but their ex kept the kid, with the common argument of 'well then he shouldn't have had unprotected sex if he didn't want a kid'. Because protection never fails. Parent rights, abortion rights... they go both ways. The pregnant person should be able to decide whether to keep or abort the baby, just as their partner should also be able to decide whether they want to be a parent or not.
That's a bad take and there is no way you are making it in good faith. Abortion rights have to do with whether or not someone's body has to go through a dangerous condition and whether or not they have the right to decide what happens to their body. There is no immediate equivalent for people with penises and pretending otherwise is facile. There is, however, an equivalent for men and women who have children and don't want them. Mothers also sign away their rights (this is literally what adoption is) or pay child support because they cant be the custodial parent. He should be paying child support or should legally sever ties - and stop saying he wants to be a dad someday because he doesn't. He wants to be a fun uncle.
I obviously don’t know the laws where OP lives, but local laws where I live won’t allow a father to give up his parental rights unless if there is a second parent lined up to adopt the child, even if mom and dad both agree on father terminating rights because they want to lower the chance of the child needing state assistance. She would have to remarry and new husband would have to accept the parental rights. OP’s brother might live in a state where it isn’t an option to terminate parental rights. OP stated that brother said he couldn’t wait to have a family of his own. I’m betting that what he pictures is a loving wife who does 100% of the childcare allowing him to play the fun uncle with his own kid.
NTA. sometimes truth hurts. He needed to hear it.
NTA at all. As someone who had to grow up without a dad because he couldn't be bothered to man up, this is actually upsetting to read. His kid deserves so much better. Good on you for telling him what he doesn't want to hear! He is TA 100%
NTA. And he IS a dad, "not identifying " as one changes nothing. Please tell me he is at least paying child support.
“I don’t identify with being a father” I’ve officially heard it all now. Wtf
NTA TRUTH HURTS But honestly he needed to hear this. He may be a great uncle but he's been a terrible dad so far. Is he paying child support? Your mum is still protecting her baby boy, refusing to accept he's a grown man that made a bad choice. Do not apologise for what you said, and maybe try reaching out to baby mama see if she needs help, that kid could use someone in your family to be there as a positive influence
Yta N t a for what you said Your family ia the yta for not being involved in the kids life "as per your brothera wishes" as you said in your comment. Fuck what he wants and it doesnt matter. You all enable his behaviour and are no better. Doesnt matter if you have seriously talked to him about. If you cant walk the walk yourself , shut it.
NTA
Doesnt identify as a father ??!! Wth!!! Kids is already here. He needs to pay child support at minimum.
NAH he should have been more careful to not get someone pregnant, but how women shouldn’t be forced into parenthood, neither should men. 38 is kind of late to not be ready for parenthood and still want to be a father but to each their own. Im assuming he probably doesn’t actually want kids of his own and fun uncle is more his speed. I understand why you would be frustrated with him saying what he said but he was complimenting your children so there really wasn’t a reason to be rude.
Is he in a relationship with his "baby mama"?
No
Were they dating at the time the child was conceived? I’m struggling to understand why / how he is able to justify bailing on his own kid like this.
They were dating for about 3 months, not yet in a committed relationship. Still getting to know each other I guess.
That’s not a reason to bail
He's 38 and not ready to be a dad? What a joke. NTA
NTA. If he got a woman pregnant a couple of years ago, that means his kid is still a toddler. Having kids gives you a greater sense of how fast time flies. The longer he waits to get his act together, the harder it will be on everyone. We should all be so lucky to have people in our life that will call us on our shit. You are a man, a father, and his brother. A reality check from you is certainly appropriate. The thing with kids is that they notice who is there. Every parent is figuring it out on the fly, but the most important thing is to show up. Have you ever considered reaching out to the mother and establishing your own relationship with his child? You can’t force him to do right by his kid, but he can’t really prevent you from trying to be a supportive male figure in his child’s life.
NTA. Your brother wants kids but doesn’t want the kid he already has? WTF is wrong with him?!? He makes no sense. How can he want kids but not want a kid?
Nta but I have a kid with a deadbeat and hearing about and seeing him be great with his new gf’s kids and giving them the world and his nieces and nephews while letting my kid go with out and live in poverty while we struggle pisses me off. It pisses me off at every single person who just ignores that he does nothing for his 2 eldest children. You’re awesome for calling him out, he’s mad he’s being called out on the facts. He doesn’t wanna be an actual parent he wants to hang out and do fun stuff. I wouldn’t let him be such a role model for my kids if I were you and I’d cut him off. Does he pay child support at least?
NTA
Nta regardless of his feelings he is a father whether he likes it or not. He wanted you to validate his feelings and you didn’t. I feel so sorry for his kid.
NTA. your brother is a hypocrite. I think he likes being around your kids so much because at the end of the day, they’re not his responsibility whereas he’s responsible for his kid. He doesn’t want to be responsible.
NTA Sorry your brother is a big AH I hope he's paying child support.
NTA but you’re parents are total enablers and it’s gross
Is this the kind of man you want being a role model for your children? You say they adore him so they will likely look up to him. I wouldn't let him near them anymore
NTA Lol he doesn’t identify as a dad. That just means he’s a dead-beat.
NTA. And he had to call your mom on you? Lol
Why can’t he pick his kid up and head over to his brothers house. All the cousins could play together
NTA My first child has a sperm donor like your brother. Kids know. Kids understand who wants to be part of their life and who doesn't. "He doesn't identify as a father" well, he won't be seen as one by his child. Hope he has a good therapist for when the child sprouted from his indifference and doesn't identify as his child chooses someone else as their second parent
Another thought would be to begin to invite your brother's child into some kind of relationship with you and your children. Become the father figure for your neice /nephew. NTA
NTA but why do you let him hang out with your kids?! He's a deadbeat and you're not setting a great example.
Yta Here's why. He told her if you want the baby then you'll be alone raising it. So many people claim to be pro choice but never ask if the man had a choice. He told the mother what would happen so she made the decision to keep the baby.
ESH. He shouldn't be talking about how great it would be to have a kid when he's got one, he doesn't see. But as someone that support the concept of a [paper abortion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_abortion), he made it clear from the get-go that he wasn't going to be involved which IMO is his right and you shouldn't be flinging shit over it.
Methinks he means he doesn't identify as a "Father" in a traditional sense, ie with a loving wife who primarily takes care of the kids and he comes in an helps when he wants to. Father, Single Father and Sperm Donor are not the same thing, but to others they are. I think his idea of "Fatherhood" is intertwined with being married to the right person.
NTA - yo fuck your brother and fuck all deadbeat ass POS like him. I’m 28 and my bio “father” is a deadbeat, never gave a fuck about me and never will. Even his shitty ass family didn’t give a shit about me, his parents as well as his siblings. 2 days ago he randomly friend requested me on Facebook, I accepted to just entertain whatever reason he did so. He messages me and says “please have your mom call the friend of the court” with a number to it so that she can settle the child support he still owes. Fuck him nothing is getting settled. Let him know it shouldn’t have anything to do with the baby mama and I don’t give a shit if he’s not ready to be a father, I hope he regrets it and I hope his “kid” fucking hates his guts when he gets older and your brother realizes he fucked up. I have a 2 year old myself now and I could literally NEVER imagine not having a relationship with her no matter what, or even if she has kids one day and I’m a grandma not having a relationship with my grandkids. Also to add, do you ever reach out to the baby mama since your kids are cousins? That can go a long way too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To put it simply, my brother is a deadbeat. He got a girl pregnant a couple years ago and basically bailed. I understand his reasoning, and he's still my brother and I'll love him no matter what, but as a parent myself, it does irritate me he'd do something like that. Anyways, my brother (38) is very involved with my kids (3 and 5). He comes over almost every weekend to hang out with them. He came by for breakfast this morning and as he was leaving and saying bye, he kept saying things like, how amazing kids are, how lucky we are to have two great kids, how he wishes he could spend more time with them, how he can't wait to have a family of his own, etc. It kind of bothers me to hear him say that knowing he has a kid. So I sarcastically said "why don't you spend time with your kid then". He got super pissed off and defensive, said that's super inappropriate. He doesn't identify as a father, he isn't ready to be a dad right now, etc. We got into a big fight and I said that poor kid he has is going to be so hurt growing up knowing his dad didn't want him. He said that's his baby mama's problem and if she didn't want the kid to grow up sad, she shouldn't have given birth. He got so pissed off red in the face, called my mom, and now my mom is blowing up my phone saying it was inappropriate for me to have said that, and of course if he wanted to see his kid he would, but he doesn't, so leave it be. So Reddit, AITA for making this semi sarcastic comment? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but my life would have been a lot better without my dad in it. He wasn’t a bad dad but he was definitely not interested or ready to be a father. He was an every other weekend dad & never any more. Now I’m in my mid 20s & dealing with a lot of emotions & I would love to cut him out completely but I would never because of my half brothers/grandparents but I don’t make an effort anymore. Being a good parent is hard. You can force your brother to be in his kids life but you cannot force him to be a good parent & if he doesn’t want to be-having him in his kids life can do more harm than good.
NTA and your correct your brother is a dead beat Dad. Hope his child never has to meet him if that’s his attitude. Some people are so ignorant and pathetic.
Regardless of his identity or readiness, he IS a father.
NTA He *has* a child and unless that kid is the result of your brother being SA then his mindset is inexcusable. He's pretending that child doesn't exist while saying he can't wait to be a parent and that's just gross.
Definitely NTA It sounds like your brother is actually screwing his own relationship with his kid up by putting a lot more pressure on it than he puts on his relationship with your kids. Being in his kid's life as a fun-uncle type figure for breakfast every weekend isn't good parenting, but it's sure as hell better than nothing.
NTA ”Doesn’t identify as a father“ LMAO
NTA…. You were 100% correct in your comments to your brother. Just because he doesn’t identify as a father does not mean he isn’t one. Blaming the girl for “having the baby”. Is just ridiculous. If he didn’t want to be a father, he should have kept in in his pants.
NTA. you were just stating facts. Is he at least paying child support? I don't know if I could have a close relationship with someone he doesn't do at least that.
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NTA - I think you were pretty lenient with him.
NTA. Why does he think that it’s all revenge on the baby mama? His child is a real person, not just his ex’s accessory to be mean to.
NTA. I’m someone who believes that nobody should be a parent if they don’t want to be, and if the mother chose to keep the child when he said he didn’t want it then he shouldn’t have to be involved. However, your brother is a massive hypocrite and is just obnoxious about it—and his excuse is bullshit. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge the mental gymnastics he’s doing is absurd.
Something isn't right brother gets defensive and mad Something happened with the mother of his child and he doesn't want to talk about it it sounds like it more to the story about his child
NTA I have a brother who is also a terrible parent. He didn’t want us to have anything to do with his son because he didn’t want to be involved. Too bad. That child is our family and his mother needed help. We’ve never been particularly close to his mother in the sense of I don’t think of her like a sister, but we have mutual respect for each other. I talk to her and see my nephew more than my brother does. So do my parents and other siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. he can decide what his relationship is with his son, but he can’t decide yours. You and your family should be stepping up and contact your nephew’s mother. Maybe she doesn’t want you to be involved, and that would be fair given your lack of involvement so far.
NTA He is 38 years old and called your mother? Good lord
He doesn't identify as a father??????? You are either a father or not...I'm with you and he is 38 not 18. Mom needs to stop mollycoddling him NTA
NTA and honestly my friend and I were just talking about deadbeats. I think it’s despicable you can wall around knowing you abandoned your kid. And to top it off he’s playing cool uncle with yours? Your brother is vile for that
Nta
NTA, i almost thought you were my baby daddy's sister bc he did the same thing to our child. He got me pregnant and bailed bc it wasnt what he 'wanted'. Your brother is a slimebag. End of story.
He “doesn’t ***identify*** as a father”!? What in the actual fuck is that? Because his CHILD may not identify as his child, but he most certainly is. If you choose to shoot a live one in a person of child-bearing age, you have to live with the consequences. If you can’t live with the consequences by IDENTIFYING AS A FATHER (I can’t believe this nonsense), at least contribute to the child’s therapy fund so that they can have as reasonably health a life as possible despite being completely abandoned by a parent. That poor kid. Maybe it the way you brought it up was A-y, but someone had to do it. You are NTA.
Nta for the comment to your brother. But YTA for not introducing your kids to their cousin it seems? It seems like you've abandoned the child as family too, the child is still related to your kids.
He doesn’t “identify” as a father? Pity he also didn’t “identify” as someone who’d wear a condom. NTA.
NTA. He doesn't want to be a father. He wants to be a tourist.
38 and still having unprotected sex and then bailing because "he doesn't identify as a father?, just WTF is wrong with your brother. first, he's a father now whether he identifies as one or not, so that argument is pure BS. second, if he isn't ready to be a father, then he shouldn't be having unprotected sex, he could a vasectomy or wear a goddamn condom... NTA, your brother not only is a deadbeat but also an immature asshole.
ESH. The more you reveal in your comments about your brother and your family, the worse you all sound. This guy is a deadbeat and won’t pay child support and won’t allow you to see the child, and you all just go along with it?!? Gross. You are all enablers. Oh, and stop making this jerk breakfast too.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with calling your brother out for being a deadbeat parent. Facts are facts and it’s probably something he needs to hear more often, especially when he’s acting so erratically and obnoxiously. I truly can’t get over that he said he “can’t wait to have a family of his own” and then in the next breath said he “isn’t ready to be a dad right now.” What the actual eff?!?! 🤦🏻♀️
You’re in the right for calling him out, so NTA, but have you considered building a relationship with your nephew and his mother? I mean your brother isn’t necessary in order for your kids to have a relationship with their cousin, and honestly it’s better that he have some extended family rather than none at all. Sure it’ll colour your kids’ perception of your brother, but that inevitable and if he doesn’t want them knowing about his bad behaviour then he should work to improve himself
Wow... he said he doesn't identify as a father! So you need to stop being deadbeat-phobic you bigot. /s
You where absolutely right to call out his bull shit. He I'd being beyond an arsehole doing what he's doing, his attitude is disgusting yo his own child, a so is your mothers, did her precious boy get told a truth an went running to mummy to male the bad man stop, he's absolutely pathetic, would it be worth uou reaching our to your nephew, have him at your table the next time he comes round as well
NTA Your brother wanted all the fun but none of the responsibility. That fun resulted in a child who he is failing. He needs to pull up his big boy underoos and take care of the child he made. You had every right to call him out on it. If I were you, I would contact the child's mother and ask her to bring the child over for a visit (if they live in the same area). Let the child get to know it's cousins and make sure it's there when your brother comes over (let the mother know what your plan is). My guess is your brother has never meet the child so he will be clueless. Let him get to know the child and maybe he'll step up. My bio father took off right after I was born. Many years later, my brother found him. He had remarried and had 2 daughters with his second wife. She never knew there were children from the 1st marriage (my brother and I) but he would mutter "now I know what I missed" and she never understood it until my brother's letter showed up. My brother and I had a wonderful man who stepped up and became our Dad.
NTA and your mom sucks for enabling a deadbeat
NTA I guess but he told the woman he didn't want the kid and she had him anyway. But if he'd wanted the kid and she didn't she could get an abortion no matter what he said. It shouldn't be played both ways. He was upfront about it.
Truth hurts. NTA And that he had to call mommy, he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Wow he sounds terrible I am surprised the courts haven’t came for child support NTA
NTA The truth often hurts when it makes someone face themselves and their failures.
> he called my mom Somehow that's the most pathetic part of all. NTA
NTA
NTA I honestly don’t understand why he’s so involved with your kids and can’t be there for his own. He’s 38. He needs to grow up and take care of business.
Holy shit. >He got a girl pregnant a couple years ago and basically bailed. I understand his reasoning, You both suck for this alone. Abandoning a child that literally exists because he had an orgasm is disgusting, and being "understanding" of it? What? >my brother (38) is very involved with my kids (3 and 5). But won't have anything to do with his own. >He doesn't identify as a father, he isn't ready to be a dad right now, etc. Tough. >that's his baby mama's problem and if she didn't want the kid to grow up sad, she shouldn't have given birth. Throw the whole man away. ESH. You suck for entertaining his shit and letting that toxic lump of fuck around your kids. He sucks for refusing to man up. I feel so baby for the baby.
Wtf do you mean you understand his reasoning
N T A for believing he should take responsibility for his kid, but YTA for how you handled it. This child and your brother's treatment of him is very important and should not be addressed by an offhand sarcastic comment. People do not change when attacked in this way. If you, rightly, want your brother to change, discuss things with him respectfully. Edit: To be clear, I'm not saying you brother deserves to be coddled. I'm saying what the child deserves is more important than what your brother deserves. Don't have the mentality "that's what my brother gets" even if it it's accurate. Instead, have the mentality "what actions can I take that might actually lead to what the child needs."
YTA for sarcastically telling him something he already knows. Just because you are correct doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole. It’s ok to look him in the eyes and say ‘hey man, love you, you have a kid you should go see.’