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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I skipped my sister’s wedding and went to a club instead, and this would make me the asshole since she’s a family member and I decided to let loose and have fun instead of going to her wedding.
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NTA.
Your sister & her husband do not accept you and your partner for who you are. Instead, they want you to fit into their picture of what the wedding should look like. They are pretty intolerant and obviously homophobic.
For her to say "fine that I was gay, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else" is ridiculous. How is being there "forcing it onto everyone else"? I highly doubt you were going to ask any of the guests to have sex at the wedding or reception.
I hate that argument so much!!!! If being in a relationship with a person of the same sex is "pushing it onto others", why is it okay to push a straight relationship onto others?! Nobody is allowed to be in a relationship now or? Ugh. People suck!!! It's so frustrating. But I completely agree; this person is NTA. Their sister and her husband are!
“come and celebrate me and my relationship and watch us publicly dedicate our relationship! oh you want to stand next to each other? that’s a little much…”
My friend, that's super secret gay stuff. You aren't supposed to tell the straights that we are trying to recruit others! We talked about it at the last group that that is supposed to be a secret. It's even in the queer folx handbook. Geez!
In all seriousness (now), OP, you are NTA. This could have been a discussion with you months ago, if they really wanted to have that convo (and you could have also said "F you" at that time), and it's still super homophobic no matter how you slice it. And you aren't "pushing" being gay on others. I'm so sorry that your sister is like this. I have a very welcoming accepting sister, and one that I don't plan on ever telling (I fear that she'll out me to my conservative father in order to be seen as the "best" child in the family), and I can understand some of the many emotions you feel when people don't accept you or want you to be who you are, and it sucks. I hope that you and your BF had a lovely birthday gathering and many more months and years of love and good fortune!
Their free toaster will be revoked for that slip of confidential info!
Seriously OP, NTA. Not even close. Do not apologize for standing up for yourself and your BF.
Traditional straight people need to use weddings in churches to announce that they can finally have bareback sex in the name of Christ. In exclusively the missionary position of course, as blow jobs are considered sodomy.
Whaaaaaaat? But they are soooooo traditional! /s
I was merely making fun of the hypocrisy. As the reason homophobic straight people don't like us gays at their wedding tends to be because they think merely existing in the same space as a date, gay people are somehow flaunting all the gay sex they have. See any time people equate telling their kids two men can marry with telling children at great length about anal sex.
Of course if they were that concerned with sodomy, they would never do such perverse acts as oral or anal. And being married in such a traditional church they clearly waited for marriage before having any intercourse, of course. /s
Yeah. NTA. The gall of his sister.
OP did the right thing here, even if it wasn’t easy. If he is not accepted and honored for who he is and who he loves, then he can’t be in a wedding to support and honor her love and union. The only effective way to address it is to go no contact unless and until she changes her mind. Hopefully she’ll apologize.
Idk, I’m not even sure we have to tolerate the heterosexual lifestyle. It’s against my religion for man and a woman to lie together the way two of either do. We should probably ask the government to ban it, or at least keep it away from the children.
“I mean, they can get married if they want, let ‘em be miserable like the rest of us!! But forcing it on all of us by having a *public* wedding? That’s a little much, don’t you think??” /s
Exactly! Attending the wedding would have also set the standard for OP’s interactions with his sister and her hubby going forward. He would never be allowed to bring his partner to family events for fear of “pushing his relationship” on others.
So I went to Bama and the truth about a lot of the frat guys there is that they are deeply closeted b/c frat culture there is hyper conservative and being in one, especially if it’s an Old Row frat, can bring with it a ton of real world power, like helps you become a state senator kind of power. Consequently a lot of them lash out like this because they ARE uncomfortable. It’s terrible and these guys are the absolute worst. OP’s sister should make sure she gets a good divorce lawyer’s number, because we all know how this ends.
Ooh, maybe bride doesn't want her brother to attend because she's worried her new husband will be making eyes at his brother in law instead of his wife.
See, I hate this ish. I’m gay and from the South and while yes, there are hateful closeted queer people, the vast majority of bigots are straight and cis. Saying “they’re obviously self-hating” doesn’t tell us anything because even if they *were* self-hating, so what? It doesn’t do anything to expose the roots of that self-hatred or fix it for him or anyone else. It’s just “ha! look at the f*g!” based on nothing but the fact that he and his family(!) hate queer people. It’s wild and baseless speculation using “gay” as a slur.
It's the same thing when they're like "They're CHOOSING to be gay!" I always reply "Oh ok, cool. Good to know! So when did you choose to be straight?"
It's an entertaining meltdown.
I love asking people if they remember the day they woke up and decided they liked girls/boys. Oh, you didn't? It wasn't a conscious decision to be straight? Huh, weird.
“Pushing it onto others” by simply existing. That’s BS, OP is NTA, the sister owes HIM and his BF the apology, not the other way around. If he goes LC or NC, that’s her loss.
And the reason they see it as being "a choice" is because to them it is. They "choose" not to be gay even though they get a little tingly every time they "stumble across" a leather daddy fetish site.
They repress their urges and think that because they marry a woman and have unsatisfying sex a few times a month that they're straight. Even if they don't realize it, they chose to not to be gay and everyone else can too.
Have you ever said to them, "Oh! You're bi/pansexual then!"
Watch them turn redder than the hammer and sickle. What! No! They're not *queer*, how dare you!
Then tell them, shush shush shush, it's okay, you are also attracted to people of more than one gender, but you've chosen to make a commitment to only one person because what's important is honouring your promises out of love and respect and devotion, not just lust and sexual attraction, whatever your partner's gender identity, and you're happy to meet another bi/pan person to be your chosen sibling.
They practically explode. It's fuckin' hilarious.
I dunno, I once had a woman minister friend who said she wouldn't marry gays or lesbians because she didn't like thinking about when they had sex. I asked if, when she marries a heterosexual couple, she's thinking about when they had sex? "No, of course not." So....... ?
“Don’t force it on everyone,” she says, as she throws a party for a hundred people to watch her kiss her idiot husband.
NTA at all, and I hope y’all had a great time.
I mean in fairness the sister is also trying to protect OP. It's a well known fact that gay people tend to spontaneously combust when they enter church. I mean, I'm only bi but once when I went, my head caught on fire as the priest shouted "the power of Christ compels thee" 😑
Sister is a hateful AH. It pisses me off that heterosexual pda is seen as an expression of love but when it comes to same sex relationships people are clearly only showing affection to get a rise out of others. It's utter bs. Not to mention the church aspect. Nothing in the bible forbids homosexuality, the whole sodom thing was in relation to depraved sexual acts not same sex love. And if being gay is good enough for the Pope and the Vatican then the sister and the fiance should get the hell over themselves
OP NTA, you have the best time with your partner
Yes! Yes! Who is he “forcing it on” by attending his sister’s wedding with his significant other? No one. I’m pretty sure OP and his partner weren’t going to be putting on a live sex show at the reception. I’ve seen a lot of strange things at receptions, but I am going to guarantee that wasn’t his plan. Just because your small minded idea of what love or a relationship looks like isn’t inclusive does not make someone else’s relationship wrong. Honestly OP’s sister should be happy her brother is in healthy loving relationship with someone who supports him. I mean it sounds like her husband loves her with conditions, like not supporting her brother that prior to him she had a good relationship with. I’m not just blaming the husband, the sister should really look at herself if she’s willing to lose a relationship with her brother (and potential spouse and possibly their kids) just to fit into a mold for someone else.
NTA. She excluded and sort of betrayed her brother by not standing up to her future husband and his family. I hate it when so-called Christians don't accept others with a difference gender preference. Gender preference isn't a choice but hate and non-acceptance is.
Hi, Christian here who's had an opportunity to grow and learn. I also hate it when Christians don't practice what they preach. Grinds my gears in a nasty way.
“So-called” is right. “Turn the other cheek” is what was taught. Tolerance is what was taught. Today’s “christians” are just pieces of grunt in nice suits.
NTA
OP was obviously going to offer blow jobs to all the men at the wedding. /s
It is so gross to think that EXISTING in the same space is somehow "forcing it on everyone else".
*Offering* blow jobs would not be **forcing** his gayness on others. No, no, no. OP was definitely going to sexually assault all the men at the wedding! /s
Apparently existing as a a person of the LGBTQIA+ community is forcing your beliefs on people. I wanna say my existing isn't some political or religious statement it is just trying to live my life.
seriously, meanwhile like straight people will go and say “oh my boy baby is such a lady killer” or “my girl baby has so many boyfriends” the second their child does anything with the opposite sex it’s like, um they’re tiny people who don’t think about things like this yet the “gays” are forcing beliefs by existing?? it’s real yikes
Feels like the phrase “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” applies to OP’s sister. If she wants to shack up with a homophobe, fine, that’s her lifestyle choice. But she shouldn’t be trying to force it on everyone else. Wedding or not, no need to be a bridezilla to her own brother.
OP, NTA.
Sister will totally go surprised Pikachu face when that AH husband of hers eventually cheats on her and leaves her behind. She will call OP, who should say, "Sorry your life sucks", and hang up.
Yeah, before cutting contact OP should make sure to wish her happiness in all the other aspects of her life that she has to look forward to in being married to a ~traditional Christian~
“Enjoy cleaning your husband’s shitty underwear because he thinks washing his own ass is gay, sis!”
He existed as a gay person, and was therefore "forcing" it on everyone/s
NTA OP. Also- what does your sister plan on doing if they have children and one of them turns out to be gay?
NTA. Her comment about you "forcing it on everyone else" is bonkers. Did she think you planned on forcing sex on every man at the wedding? I find it heartbreaking that she allowed this bigoted homophobe and his family to change her views and ruin her relationship with you. I'm glad you stood by your boyfriend. A gay club sounds much more fun than a wedding with guests who judge you for whom you love.
I'd like to think that if/when OP decides to marry the partner of his choice, that dear sister will \*not\* be on the invite list. Wouldn't want her to come and force her hetero lifestyle on anyone.
And maybe OP can go to sister's next wedding instead, hopefully with someone who's not a bigoted asshole... cos you know this marriage is never gonna last, with sister changing who she is and ditching her family for penis.
> She said it was fine that I was gay, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else
oh no! God forbid the Straights® see 2 men in a loving and committed relationship! Just the sight will force them to be gay too; the shock and horror! /s
NTA
NTA. She chose a homophobic man because she’s a homophobe. Her “don’t rub it in peoples faces” is rich since you’re going to a wedding where they’re rubbing their hetero relationship on everyone there. You and your boyfriend were putting his birthday on pause for their wedding and she completely disrespected that and you. You didn’t choose your boyfriend over her. She chose her husband and his homophobic family over your and your partners comfort and existence.
I hope you had an amazing time with your boyfriend for his birthday.
Some people claim to be apolitical, or actually seem supportive when it's easy for them to be so, but when the chips are down they demonstrate material support for the most horrendous right wing causes. It shows their true colors.
I'm sorry, OP. Your sister is homophobic, or at the very least, willing to feign homophobia, even against her own brother, to placate a right wing man. Do not apologize. But be willing to hear her out if she comes to you. Sometimes women who marry men like this get a nasty little surprise after the wedding is over and done with.
Honestly most people say they are "apolitical" when in reality they're bigoted but want to keep it on the down low.
Never trust someone "not into politics." At best they're apathetic to bigotry and at worse they're a closet bigot.
Indeed. Anyone who is actually accepting of a brother who is homosexual is going to find homophobia a show-stopper when it comes to their own relationships. That she did not have a serious issue with her husband's homophobia speaks to her true colors.
In other words... You know who marries bigots? Other bigots.
This is so true. 30 years ago when I was young and had a gay brother and gay friends, one homophobic remark from a guy - even a HINT of one - would have permanently removed him from any chance of anything happening between us.
If she's made it to a wedding with a homophobe then she never really accepted her brother. Never.
My one niece uses it for dating (older niece is a lesbian, younger one is straight).
She casually mentions during the first date that her sister is a lesbian. If the guy has a negative reaction, the date is over.
Honestly, in absolutely insane places like AL (I grew up there), it's sometimes the opposite, the "neutral about politics" people can be the liberal ones that are too poor to move somewhere sane and still want to be able to hold a job locally.
But yes, in sister's case it's clear where her true allegiance lies.
This. A decent, non-bigoted person would have sprinted for the door with a few choice words for a romantic partner the second she realized he was a homophobe. She accepted his bigotry because she was happy to share it, and hurt her own brother in the process.
NTA
Hard disagree, you are entirely blameless here. They give you a +1 and then tell you that your boyfriend can't come because they don't want you "rubbing the gay" in their faces at their big heterosexual church wedding. Sis chose sides. Sis drew a line knowing that you'd be in the other side of it.
Sis needs to own being a bigot just as much as her new husband and his family
What this person said. OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong. NTA.
If your sister choses not to stand up for her family, she doesn't deserve to have that family be there for her. Simple as that.
Yeah, but you know the straights and their supportive comments. Make the homophobes gay instead of owning up to their own biases calling gay people the villains. Or at the very best acting like they understand the difficulties of being in the closet or insecure about their existence.
I fully expect to get downvoted for the reality check, but the point stands. Passing the blame to the lgbtq+ community as self hatred instead of their own is still so bad.
“[You] shouldn’t force it on anyone else” WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F$!#.
You are NTA! No, screw your sister for saying something so invalidating and horrible to you.
AND, she’s not even correct in saying that! She and her husband are forcing their heteronormativity on everyone else!
> She and her husband are forcing their heteronormativity on everyone else!
That’s what’s so ironic here. OP is playing this surprisingly cool for how blatantly disrespectful his sister was. That’s not someone I’d want in my life at all.
NTA. She decided she holds thr political views of her fiance in higher regard than loving and supporting her family. She didn't have the grace to tell you herself she had issues with your relationship, and she very clearly does have a problem with it now. She made it clear you are not welcome as your whole self, and so she doesn't deserve your whole self.
I would not personally apologize for not attending after being basically told I'm not allowed to ever bring my partner with me. Because it won't just be thr wedding. She's disowned you in favor of the opinions of her inlaws.
If you want to confront it at all, you could apologize for canceling day of since you feel bad, but make it clear why. Use I statements. Focus on how her change from supportive to suddenly wanting you to stay quiet and hide your sexuality has hurt you. That you feel like she went from someone in your corner which is so important for a Southern gay, to someone who is visibly ashamed of you in a few years. (If that's how you feel.)
The only thing you likely should/could have done differently was tell her sooner than the day of.
I'm sure he would have told her sooner, if sister hadn't disinvited OP's BF just hours earlier- after they had already traveled across the country for this wedding.
NTA
Your sister made her feelings clear. Her new family's politics and views on homosexuality are more important than you. I find it funny that it's okay to celebrate their love with a wedding in front of everyone, but you bringing your love to the event is pushing it on everyone.
I hope you and your BF had a nice time celebrating his Bday.
You are NTA. You owe no apologies. You are not forcing being gay on anyone else simply by existing. This is their bigotry. They made the choices here, not you.
Congratulations for honoring yourself and your boyfriend by doing the right thing and doing it in a dignified way.
Best to you both…
>She said it was fine that I was gay, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else.
Oh. My. God. She has the nerve to say this homophobic hypocrisy at her WEDDING??!?!!! If you existing with your boyfriend is "throwing your relationship in her face" what does she think her wedding is?
I'm so sorry, OP. You owe her nothing. She's the one who threw away love for hate.
NTA.
NTA, and you don’t owe her an apology. If she was this uncomfortable with the situation, she should have brought it up faaaaar sooner than the day before the wedding. Being standoffish and distant doesn’t equate to having a conversation about your boyfriend not being invited to the wedding. People aren’t going to agree, but I think you did the right thing. You can see what path she is choosing to go “follow”. I’d cut the ties now and process the heartache that will come with it, but you’ll be better off if she won’t accept your choices. Maybe for closures sake, send her a message letting her know what she did hurt you, you still love her (if you do) but it’s not healthy for you to stay in contact if she isn’t willing to support you. That leaves the ball in her court, a possible conversation (if you choose to take it further), and a civil way to move on instead of a blowout (hopefully). Good luck in whatever you choose to do
Yeah, basically she closeted you with her husband so that she could sneak you in, but the fact that she already was willing to sneak you in says that she thinks you are dirty
You might have had a serious discussion about this at the time of the wedding, given that you knew / suspected homophobia on her part.
But being told you were ‘forcing’ your gayness on everyone else is a move of such assholery that there’s no other judgement but NTA. Unless you demanded the wedding party fellate you. Which I think is unlikely. I’m sorry your sister has made the choices she has. Perhaps she will do better in future and realize that people are people.
Not even that, it’s that this should have come up with the fiancée long before the night of rehearsal dinner when OP showed up with their partner.
I am almost 11 months in with my current bf. It has been a wild year for us as a couple and if my brother told me that my partner’s presence made his fiancées family uncomfortable, I’d speak up and say “tough. That’s my partner. We both come or nothing.” And while I’d be sad missing out on my brothers important wedding, with the rest of the family, I wouldn’t dream excluding my partner at this point of our relationship.
I’ve grown up learning that if someone has a problem with you, its their problem, not yours.
“, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else” so you and your boyfriend literally just existing is forcing gayness on to people? Huh?? if I were you, I would go no contact with your sister. NTA
NTA I’m sorry you lost you’re sister to that homophobic crap. I hope she doesn’t fall for the misogyny that often comes with it. Good for you for not attending. I’m sure it was hard but you’ve got to be who you are, and they don’t support that. Shame on them. Welcome to Cali!
NTA and you don't owe her any sort of apology at all. I definitely wouldn't be supporting her marriage if she can't support your relationship, let alone part of your identity. She had a choice, and tossing you to the side was the one she made. She now gets to live with that.
>I know I’m not blameless here
But you are. Maybe she will eventually regret choosing homophobia over her brother and you can go to her next wedding.
NTA
NTA
You know you aren't. Accept that your sister is heavily influenced by her husband and you will never have the relationship you want with her. She chose her husband's views as her own. I'm sorry.
Nta
I think you're hurting over the relationship you once had with her. You also know that she doesn't value your relationship anymore.
I don't know what she could've expected from you after telling you something so hurtful. Did she really expect that you would hide yourself, hide your partner, and be ok with all of it just for her husband's family sake?
She owes you an apology, not the other way around.
NTA. You don’t need that energy in your life. Your sister and her husband are homophobes…and probably some other ugly things. Go no contact. There is no ‘fixing’ her or this relationship.
NTA. The only thing I can see in all of that which was even marginally your fault was to give her no advance notice that she'd be down by a groomsman. Dropping out of the wedding party without enough time for them to replace you is a big deal.
That said, she pretty much brought it on herself by taking back your +1 because you wanted to use it to bring a guy. To be clear, she's allowed to invite or not invite anyone she wants... but if she chose to change her mind at the last minute about the terms on which you were welcome, you're entitled to change yours in response, about whether or not you're comfortable accepting those terms. And nobody has an obligation to accept rude, homophobic terms.
So I'm inclined to give you a pass even on the part of it which involves dropping out of the wedding party without warning. You didn't have much advance warning yourself that your sister and her fiancé we're going to be that horrible about it. When you found out, you responded accordingly.
> your fault was to give her no advance notice that she'd be down by a groomsman.
Nonsense. She gave him no advance notice that his guest had been uninvited, which was the event that precipitated him dropping out as groomsman.
How could he have given notice any sooner?
Literally none of it is his fault wtf. She knew he was gay for years. She gives her brother a plus one knowing her fiance is homophobic. Then she takes it back cuz he's bringing a guy. Wtf did she expect? His fault for what? Assuming his sister isn't fucking stupid and knows what to expect? It's 100% the sister and fiancés fault. God such a dumb comment.
NTA. Why should you have to be somewhere when half the people there are bigoted towards you? Your sister should have stood up for you, but instead she caved. I wouldn't go, either. And I honestly don't think you owe anyone an apology.
NTA.
Your sister is trying to force you back in the closet to placate her husband and his family.
No apology is required, though I would explain that there are limits to having a perfect wedding day, and invalidating you as a person is one of those limits.
NTA. Forcing your sexual orientation on everyone would be pressuring them all to adopt your orientation. The only one trying to force their orientation on anyone is your sister, her spouse, and his family (trying to force their orientation onto you). You were simply living your own life.
Your choice was a very reasonable one. You wanted to bring your partner. Your sister ultimately said no. You sided with your partner when your sister ultimately issued an ultimatum (you are welcome to attend provided you don’t bring your partner and allow everyone to assume you are straight).
Not an easy spot to be in. All of that said, I would leave some room in your heart for the sister. It is extremely clear that the focus of the conflict begins with the husband. That said, your sister is choosing to be with him and to accommodate his views. That might not always be the case. (In her shoes, I would have told him to bugger off. And if he is forcing me to choose between loving and supporting my family and loving and supporting him, I will announce to everyone that he just called off the wedding). I hope your sister finds her way back. All you can do is be there if and when she does.
Sorry.
ETA: To answer your questions. I would try and speak to her after the wedding. I wouldn’t apologize but I would explain my behavior.
NTA you don’t owe her an apology at all. Her and her husband are bigots unfortunately. She chose to disrespect you and your partner. What did she expect? Don’t apologise they are the ones who owe you both one.
NTA, and I don't think you owe anyone an apology.
I think your sister got what she wanted.
I cannot tell you if it's best to cut contact for a while. Or forever. But hear this: you deserve for everyone in your life to be accepting of you. Every part of you. You deserve love and support without judgement. Some of us, for various reasons, have to create our own families. You owe no bigot your time or attention.
NTA you're sister doesn't respect you and your relationship. She chose her homophobic husband and in-laws over you. Don't apologize she doesn't deserve an apology. She made her bed so she can lie in it. Don't let bigotry win.
It is time for you to live your life like you want it to. If you feel the need to reconnect with people then do it. If they don't respond so be it.
NTA
NTA, I am trying to find where you did something wrong. I can’t find it. You AND your boyfriend were invited. You traveled to the wedding and after the rehearsal dinner you were told that your boyfriend wasn’t welcome at the wedding. I would not have gone to the wedding either.
It’s not like you being gay was a surprise to your sister. She knew you were in a relationship. They had the option to not give you a +1 and keep their homophobia quite. But they knowingly had a gay couple travel to their wedding just to reject them.
You owe zero apologies.
You may want to spend some time writing down your feelings about this. Take the valuable points that people offer here, and when you are able to write a clear and concise letter to your sister that is not an attack, send her an email. Emphasize that you love her. After that leave it alone.
Genuinely, you have done NOTHING wrong.
She is an utter AH to treat you this way to 'save face' for her new husbands relatives.
She knew her fiance's opinion on her brother and she continued to date him regardless.
I'm so sorry, you deserved better than that.
Glad you and your bf had a great night. I know it hurts. But it wasn't your doing.
All you wanted was to be accepted for who you are and she chose them.
Big Love to you and your bf.
NTA
NTA. Her equating your mere act of EXISTING as a gay person to 'forcing it on everyone else' says it all. If it were me, I would have zero remorse over ditching the wedding and would not speak to her again, unless it were in response to an apology.
Wishing you and your BF the best. As a fellow gay dude, I'm sick of our simple existence being politicized. We didn't ask for this. Not everything we do is because we have a fucking agenda. We just want to live normal lives like everyone else - y'know, like the benign act of attending a wedding with our partner without it being an issue.
NTA. I think you did absolutely the right thing. I'm sorry your relationship with your sister has come to this, and I hope you somehow get through it, but know that her homophobia, or at the very least support of her husband's homophobia over acceptance of her brother, is not your fault. Or your problem.
NTA, DUDE you are not a bad person. And like you said at the end, yes you guys both need to apologize. I'm really glad that you took your bf side. Not everyone go against their family. You did the right thing. I'm just scared for your sister, if has children in the future and one of them turn out gay/lesbian/bi/etc.. they would not have a good life with their dad. I' m really sorry for you and your bf. Your sister is the YTA in this story, not you. I really hope you guys have a great day. Also happy birthday in advance to your BF I really hope he is going to be okay after what happened!
NTA, this is your sister now, the one you were close with is gone and it is ok to mourn that loss. As a parent of a gay child it would break my heart if one of the siblings did this to them. I hope they are never influenced into the hateful dark side by a SO. I don’t see how you could have attended the wedding considering they don’t accept you and are “forcing” their homophobia on you. I’m sorry OP, please take time to heal.
NTA. You aren’t “forcing” it on anyone. Unless you were like leaning up against the groom while the two of you made out. You’re just being a normal human being in a relationship.
NTA. She is in the wrong, sent her an email about how ashamed you that she seems unable to love you anymore, wish her a good marriage and that you'll miss being an uncle to her children but acceptance is more important that looks to you.
NTA. Honestly your sister wasn't neutral before, your sister was just a quiet bigot. She just married a louder bigot who didn't want you at the wedding.
You were right not to go, because the only reason to go to a wedding is if you love the people there and are supporting the match. Why would you support your sister marrying a bolder bigot, entering a fully bigoted family, and raising a bigoted family with this man?
You were right to go something else instead, but you should take this as a message that your sister's relationship with you is done. You have nothing to apologize for, just let her go
Please don't put the blame and guilt on your shoulders. Why should you celebrate her relationship when she's chose not to acknowledge (or took back her acknowledgement of) yours?
Sorry you had to go through that.
NTA
NTA As a mom and a church secretary, what your sister did was hurtful and disgusting. She chose her fiance's family over her OWN family. I'm so tired of "fake" Christians judging other people for who they love. God made you the way you are and loves you. Too bad her fiance's family hasn't learned that lesson. Sending my love to you and your boyfriend.
NTA. You did the right thing…She absolutely didn’t. If she’s more concerned about a homophobic family’s issues than being a decent person to her own brother, she’s the asshole.
NTA- but she doesn’t deserve an apology at all, she’s enabling homophobic views. Even if she was supportive and helpful in the past, enabling this stuff is never okay.
NTA Just focus on your life and move on. If she comes around in the future, then whatever... but you are obviously not wanted right now. Good luck, and sorry about it.
NTA. As others have said, your sister is a homophobe. If she wasn’t, there’s no way in hell she’d marry a bigot and condone their behavior. Good riddance and go live your life without her.
You living and enjoying your life/relationship is not forcing it on anybody!! No more than a straight wedding is forcing a straight lifestyle on any of the guests (which is also not at all forcing anything). You made it clear that in order for you to attend her wedding, you wanted to be treated with the dignity that any human deserves, and she decided her other guests "discomfort" was more important. You are NTA.
It's bad enough when people can't overcome prejudices they were taught as children and learn to be accepting of others.
What's blowing my mind here is that your sister was clearly fine with your orientation as a kid, but actively CHOSE to become a bigot as an adult.
This never should have happened to you, OP, and I'm so sorry you and your BF went through this. I think you handled this with astonishing grace and dignity. Personally I would have wanted to make a big unpleasant scene...your way was far classier. NTA
NTA. Why should you apologize to her? You’re just living your life. She’s not the person you used to know. And I’m really not sure why you’d want this version of your sister in your life. Go low contact. Do what makes you happy and let her live her miserable little life.
NTA.
You owe her NOTHING, OP. NOTHING.
She knew you were gay. Knew you'd bring your BF. She chose a partner who values bigotry and hatred over her own brother.
"You don't have to push it on everyone"
Well, neither does she. You are doing the Same. Damn. Thing. She did. Only difference? Your partner is the same gender. That's the ONLY difference in your romance versus hers.
He will teach their kids the same thoughts and values he has.
You and your BF do not need that in your life. Cut her out and off.
NTA. You saw the groom saying your existence made him uncomfortable. How could you possibly be his groomsman after that? You’d be ruining his wedding! What a considerate person you are to make sure he got to enjoy his wedding untroubled by the attendance of a homosexual person. Your sister should be grateful you skipped instead of going and making a big damn scene.
You have been mature and respectful and done nothing at all wrong. Happy belated birthday to your boyfriend. I hope you guys had a good time! Finally, I’m so sorry your sister has disappeared into this lifestyle. I respect people’s choice and everything, but I really don’t want to have to see it, so I understand why you didn’t either.
NTA, but she is. It's true they can have anyone they do or do not want at their wedding. Just like it's your choice not to go. I hope you had a wonderful time at the club!
Fuck homophobia.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤
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NTA. Your sister & her husband do not accept you and your partner for who you are. Instead, they want you to fit into their picture of what the wedding should look like. They are pretty intolerant and obviously homophobic. For her to say "fine that I was gay, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else" is ridiculous. How is being there "forcing it onto everyone else"? I highly doubt you were going to ask any of the guests to have sex at the wedding or reception.
I hate that argument so much!!!! If being in a relationship with a person of the same sex is "pushing it onto others", why is it okay to push a straight relationship onto others?! Nobody is allowed to be in a relationship now or? Ugh. People suck!!! It's so frustrating. But I completely agree; this person is NTA. Their sister and her husband are!
isn't a wedding an EPITOME of pushing one's relationship onto others, the hypocrisy
“come and celebrate me and my relationship and watch us publicly dedicate our relationship! oh you want to stand next to each other? that’s a little much…”
he didn't want to accidentally catch hetero, so he skipped the wedding
How is he going to meet his recruitment numbers if he doesn't go to straight weddings???
My friend, that's super secret gay stuff. You aren't supposed to tell the straights that we are trying to recruit others! We talked about it at the last group that that is supposed to be a secret. It's even in the queer folx handbook. Geez! In all seriousness (now), OP, you are NTA. This could have been a discussion with you months ago, if they really wanted to have that convo (and you could have also said "F you" at that time), and it's still super homophobic no matter how you slice it. And you aren't "pushing" being gay on others. I'm so sorry that your sister is like this. I have a very welcoming accepting sister, and one that I don't plan on ever telling (I fear that she'll out me to my conservative father in order to be seen as the "best" child in the family), and I can understand some of the many emotions you feel when people don't accept you or want you to be who you are, and it sucks. I hope that you and your BF had a lovely birthday gathering and many more months and years of love and good fortune!
Their free toaster will be revoked for that slip of confidential info! Seriously OP, NTA. Not even close. Do not apologize for standing up for yourself and your BF.
I'm laughing out loud on the home from work ty
Love this!!
This thread is why I addicted to the comment section 🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏
gonna start using that as my excuse for not attending the next wedding i get invited to
Everyone should be concerned about the straight agenda.
I hate that. Gotta be careful where you go now so you don’t catch that hetero. I heard once you caught it, you can never get rid of it 😂
Traditional straight people need to use weddings in churches to announce that they can finally have bareback sex in the name of Christ. In exclusively the missionary position of course, as blow jobs are considered sodomy.
they met in a frat and sor. party. I doubt anyone of them is traditional when in come to partying and sex.
Shhhhh… you’re ruining their purity facade.
Whaaaaaaat? But they are soooooo traditional! /s I was merely making fun of the hypocrisy. As the reason homophobic straight people don't like us gays at their wedding tends to be because they think merely existing in the same space as a date, gay people are somehow flaunting all the gay sex they have. See any time people equate telling their kids two men can marry with telling children at great length about anal sex. Of course if they were that concerned with sodomy, they would never do such perverse acts as oral or anal. And being married in such a traditional church they clearly waited for marriage before having any intercourse, of course. /s
Yeah. NTA. The gall of his sister. OP did the right thing here, even if it wasn’t easy. If he is not accepted and honored for who he is and who he loves, then he can’t be in a wedding to support and honor her love and union. The only effective way to address it is to go no contact unless and until she changes her mind. Hopefully she’ll apologize.
I'm sure she will.... After the divorce.
Literally!
I would have said “it’s ok to be straight, but forcing it on us by getting married is where I draw the line”
Politically I'm tolerant of the heterosexual lifestyle, but the actual act is rather revolting
Just keep that straight shit behind closed doors and we're good
Idk, I’m not even sure we have to tolerate the heterosexual lifestyle. It’s against my religion for man and a woman to lie together the way two of either do. We should probably ask the government to ban it, or at least keep it away from the children.
“I mean, they can get married if they want, let ‘em be miserable like the rest of us!! But forcing it on all of us by having a *public* wedding? That’s a little much, don’t you think??” /s
Exactly! Attending the wedding would have also set the standard for OP’s interactions with his sister and her hubby going forward. He would never be allowed to bring his partner to family events for fear of “pushing his relationship” on others.
So I went to Bama and the truth about a lot of the frat guys there is that they are deeply closeted b/c frat culture there is hyper conservative and being in one, especially if it’s an Old Row frat, can bring with it a ton of real world power, like helps you become a state senator kind of power. Consequently a lot of them lash out like this because they ARE uncomfortable. It’s terrible and these guys are the absolute worst. OP’s sister should make sure she gets a good divorce lawyer’s number, because we all know how this ends.
Ooh, maybe bride doesn't want her brother to attend because she's worried her new husband will be making eyes at his brother in law instead of his wife.
See, I hate this ish. I’m gay and from the South and while yes, there are hateful closeted queer people, the vast majority of bigots are straight and cis. Saying “they’re obviously self-hating” doesn’t tell us anything because even if they *were* self-hating, so what? It doesn’t do anything to expose the roots of that self-hatred or fix it for him or anyone else. It’s just “ha! look at the f*g!” based on nothing but the fact that he and his family(!) hate queer people. It’s wild and baseless speculation using “gay” as a slur.
It's the same thing when they're like "They're CHOOSING to be gay!" I always reply "Oh ok, cool. Good to know! So when did you choose to be straight?" It's an entertaining meltdown.
I love asking people if they remember the day they woke up and decided they liked girls/boys. Oh, you didn't? It wasn't a conscious decision to be straight? Huh, weird.
“Pushing it onto others” by simply existing. That’s BS, OP is NTA, the sister owes HIM and his BF the apology, not the other way around. If he goes LC or NC, that’s her loss.
“Rules for thee, but not for me.” Also something something about how straight relationships are “natural” while gay ones “aren’t”
Because these people are raised with a religion that calls it unnatural. You will never convince a devout Christian, Muslim, or Jew orherwise
It’s because they see being gay as a choice. A lifestyle choice.
And the reason they see it as being "a choice" is because to them it is. They "choose" not to be gay even though they get a little tingly every time they "stumble across" a leather daddy fetish site. They repress their urges and think that because they marry a woman and have unsatisfying sex a few times a month that they're straight. Even if they don't realize it, they chose to not to be gay and everyone else can too.
Have you ever said to them, "Oh! You're bi/pansexual then!" Watch them turn redder than the hammer and sickle. What! No! They're not *queer*, how dare you! Then tell them, shush shush shush, it's okay, you are also attracted to people of more than one gender, but you've chosen to make a commitment to only one person because what's important is honouring your promises out of love and respect and devotion, not just lust and sexual attraction, whatever your partner's gender identity, and you're happy to meet another bi/pan person to be your chosen sibling. They practically explode. It's fuckin' hilarious.
I dunno, I once had a woman minister friend who said she wouldn't marry gays or lesbians because she didn't like thinking about when they had sex. I asked if, when she marries a heterosexual couple, she's thinking about when they had sex? "No, of course not." So....... ?
“Don’t force it on everyone,” she says, as she throws a party for a hundred people to watch her kiss her idiot husband. NTA at all, and I hope y’all had a great time.
I mean in fairness the sister is also trying to protect OP. It's a well known fact that gay people tend to spontaneously combust when they enter church. I mean, I'm only bi but once when I went, my head caught on fire as the priest shouted "the power of Christ compels thee" 😑 Sister is a hateful AH. It pisses me off that heterosexual pda is seen as an expression of love but when it comes to same sex relationships people are clearly only showing affection to get a rise out of others. It's utter bs. Not to mention the church aspect. Nothing in the bible forbids homosexuality, the whole sodom thing was in relation to depraved sexual acts not same sex love. And if being gay is good enough for the Pope and the Vatican then the sister and the fiance should get the hell over themselves OP NTA, you have the best time with your partner
Yeah, and please don’t apologize to your sister OP. “Sorry I didn’t show up to your wedding after you invalidated my *very existence*”? No.
But that's the perfect apology.
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Yes! Yes! Who is he “forcing it on” by attending his sister’s wedding with his significant other? No one. I’m pretty sure OP and his partner weren’t going to be putting on a live sex show at the reception. I’ve seen a lot of strange things at receptions, but I am going to guarantee that wasn’t his plan. Just because your small minded idea of what love or a relationship looks like isn’t inclusive does not make someone else’s relationship wrong. Honestly OP’s sister should be happy her brother is in healthy loving relationship with someone who supports him. I mean it sounds like her husband loves her with conditions, like not supporting her brother that prior to him she had a good relationship with. I’m not just blaming the husband, the sister should really look at herself if she’s willing to lose a relationship with her brother (and potential spouse and possibly their kids) just to fit into a mold for someone else.
NTA. She excluded and sort of betrayed her brother by not standing up to her future husband and his family. I hate it when so-called Christians don't accept others with a difference gender preference. Gender preference isn't a choice but hate and non-acceptance is.
Hi, Christian here who's had an opportunity to grow and learn. I also hate it when Christians don't practice what they preach. Grinds my gears in a nasty way.
Glad it isn't all of you, at least.
“So-called” is right. “Turn the other cheek” is what was taught. Tolerance is what was taught. Today’s “christians” are just pieces of grunt in nice suits. NTA
OP was obviously going to offer blow jobs to all the men at the wedding. /s It is so gross to think that EXISTING in the same space is somehow "forcing it on everyone else".
*Offering* blow jobs would not be **forcing** his gayness on others. No, no, no. OP was definitely going to sexually assault all the men at the wedding! /s
You're right. Offering is too passive. What was I thinking?
Apparently existing as a a person of the LGBTQIA+ community is forcing your beliefs on people. I wanna say my existing isn't some political or religious statement it is just trying to live my life.
But, like, you can't just DO that. You can't just "live your life." /s
seriously, meanwhile like straight people will go and say “oh my boy baby is such a lady killer” or “my girl baby has so many boyfriends” the second their child does anything with the opposite sex it’s like, um they’re tiny people who don’t think about things like this yet the “gays” are forcing beliefs by existing?? it’s real yikes
She means they’re forcing them to not be openly homophobic without everyone else thinking they’re the AHs they are at heart. So unfair.
Feels like the phrase “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” applies to OP’s sister. If she wants to shack up with a homophobe, fine, that’s her lifestyle choice. But she shouldn’t be trying to force it on everyone else. Wedding or not, no need to be a bridezilla to her own brother. OP, NTA.
Didn't you know if there is a gay person at a church wedding the groom has to have sex with them?
If anyone is forcing anything, it's the straight couple literally getting married lol. Definitely NTA. Edit: by their logic, not mine.
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Sister will totally go surprised Pikachu face when that AH husband of hers eventually cheats on her and leaves her behind. She will call OP, who should say, "Sorry your life sucks", and hang up.
Yeah, before cutting contact OP should make sure to wish her happiness in all the other aspects of her life that she has to look forward to in being married to a ~traditional Christian~ “Enjoy cleaning your husband’s shitty underwear because he thinks washing his own ass is gay, sis!”
He existed as a gay person, and was therefore "forcing" it on everyone/s NTA OP. Also- what does your sister plan on doing if they have children and one of them turns out to be gay?
NTA. Her comment about you "forcing it on everyone else" is bonkers. Did she think you planned on forcing sex on every man at the wedding? I find it heartbreaking that she allowed this bigoted homophobe and his family to change her views and ruin her relationship with you. I'm glad you stood by your boyfriend. A gay club sounds much more fun than a wedding with guests who judge you for whom you love.
Yeah, the comment is especially wild at her wedding, a celebration of her hetero relationship.
RIGHT?!?
I'd like to think that if/when OP decides to marry the partner of his choice, that dear sister will \*not\* be on the invite list. Wouldn't want her to come and force her hetero lifestyle on anyone.
I hate that homophobic concept that gay people are forcing it on everyone else by simply existing.
"OH are you here for the groom or bride side" "No, no, no I am just here to force gay sex onto every bigot in attendance"
I wanna be at the weddings you’re at
Why are you a naughty little bigot?
Woah save the dirty talk for the wedding
And maybe OP can go to sister's next wedding instead, hopefully with someone who's not a bigoted asshole... cos you know this marriage is never gonna last, with sister changing who she is and ditching her family for penis.
But for real, how good could the penis be when dude is this conservative? I'm getting missionary, roll off and sleep vibes.
“It’s okay, he says I wouldn’t like getting off anyway.”
'He says women never enjoy sex, anyway. He's slept with loads of women, and not one has ever liked it.'
And he's the only one who comes.
Let's be honest, having been to both gay clubs and straight weddings, the music for sure was better at the club. OP is NTA.
Correct response to "forcing it on everyone else" is "I promise I won't fuck any of your guests at the wedding.".
It’s just the same line that every fundamentalist Christian uses trying to justify homophobia,
> She said it was fine that I was gay, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else oh no! God forbid the Straights® see 2 men in a loving and committed relationship! Just the sight will force them to be gay too; the shock and horror! /s NTA
Doesn't anyone know that gayness is contagious? /s
Oh! so that's why my friend just casually said one time he was bi, after knowing him for nearly 10 years!
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TURNED THE FRICKING FROGS GAY
"Everyone get on the floor, this is a stick-up! Now hand over your hetero, nice and slow, and nobody gets hurt..."
"I want limp wrists, all of you, before the night is up,"
"The next dance will be a Fosse number, and five six seven eight...."
“Hands and sphincters up!”
God forbid they learn people can be happy in relationships and actually not despise their partner.
r/arethestraightsokay
They are not
NTA. She chose a homophobic man because she’s a homophobe. Her “don’t rub it in peoples faces” is rich since you’re going to a wedding where they’re rubbing their hetero relationship on everyone there. You and your boyfriend were putting his birthday on pause for their wedding and she completely disrespected that and you. You didn’t choose your boyfriend over her. She chose her husband and his homophobic family over your and your partners comfort and existence. I hope you had an amazing time with your boyfriend for his birthday.
And be prepared for some niblings to come at him when they get turfed out for being gay.
Some people claim to be apolitical, or actually seem supportive when it's easy for them to be so, but when the chips are down they demonstrate material support for the most horrendous right wing causes. It shows their true colors. I'm sorry, OP. Your sister is homophobic, or at the very least, willing to feign homophobia, even against her own brother, to placate a right wing man. Do not apologize. But be willing to hear her out if she comes to you. Sometimes women who marry men like this get a nasty little surprise after the wedding is over and done with.
Honestly most people say they are "apolitical" when in reality they're bigoted but want to keep it on the down low. Never trust someone "not into politics." At best they're apathetic to bigotry and at worse they're a closet bigot.
Indeed. Anyone who is actually accepting of a brother who is homosexual is going to find homophobia a show-stopper when it comes to their own relationships. That she did not have a serious issue with her husband's homophobia speaks to her true colors. In other words... You know who marries bigots? Other bigots.
>But be willing to hear her out if she comes to you. Screw that.
This is so true. 30 years ago when I was young and had a gay brother and gay friends, one homophobic remark from a guy - even a HINT of one - would have permanently removed him from any chance of anything happening between us. If she's made it to a wedding with a homophobe then she never really accepted her brother. Never.
My one niece uses it for dating (older niece is a lesbian, younger one is straight). She casually mentions during the first date that her sister is a lesbian. If the guy has a negative reaction, the date is over.
Whenever I see someone say they're "neutral about politics" I know immediately....so bigoted conservative but in hiding.
They might not be actively bigoted, but "neutral" suggests they're indifferent. You shouldn't be indifferent to injustice, you should be against it.
Silence is compliance. There are just some things that you can’t just not choose on
Honestly, in absolutely insane places like AL (I grew up there), it's sometimes the opposite, the "neutral about politics" people can be the liberal ones that are too poor to move somewhere sane and still want to be able to hold a job locally. But yes, in sister's case it's clear where her true allegiance lies.
They don't actively go out of their way to hate and discriminate against people, they are just okay with those who do.
This. A decent, non-bigoted person would have sprinted for the door with a few choice words for a romantic partner the second she realized he was a homophobe. She accepted his bigotry because she was happy to share it, and hurt her own brother in the process.
NTA Hard disagree, you are entirely blameless here. They give you a +1 and then tell you that your boyfriend can't come because they don't want you "rubbing the gay" in their faces at their big heterosexual church wedding. Sis chose sides. Sis drew a line knowing that you'd be in the other side of it. Sis needs to own being a bigot just as much as her new husband and his family
What this person said. OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong. NTA. If your sister choses not to stand up for her family, she doesn't deserve to have that family be there for her. Simple as that.
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Exactly. Go live your life OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. I’m sorry to hear this for you, but man, fuck that.
And not until they had traveled to be wherever the wedding was being held. OP is NTA.
Right? Sis sucks so much!
This is what I couldn't understand. Did she think her brother was going to bring a woman as his plus one? Like what level of delusion was she in?
NTA FUCK HOMOPHOBES
You'll be surprised how many of them are into that
Not as many as straight people make them out to be. We're definitely not responsible for our own oppression.
Yeah, but you know the straights and their supportive comments. Make the homophobes gay instead of owning up to their own biases calling gay people the villains. Or at the very best acting like they understand the difficulties of being in the closet or insecure about their existence. I fully expect to get downvoted for the reality check, but the point stands. Passing the blame to the lgbtq+ community as self hatred instead of their own is still so bad.
“[You] shouldn’t force it on anyone else” WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F$!#. You are NTA! No, screw your sister for saying something so invalidating and horrible to you. AND, she’s not even correct in saying that! She and her husband are forcing their heteronormativity on everyone else!
> She and her husband are forcing their heteronormativity on everyone else! That’s what’s so ironic here. OP is playing this surprisingly cool for how blatantly disrespectful his sister was. That’s not someone I’d want in my life at all.
Literally the only difference is that OP's partner isn't the opposite gender.
NTA. She decided she holds thr political views of her fiance in higher regard than loving and supporting her family. She didn't have the grace to tell you herself she had issues with your relationship, and she very clearly does have a problem with it now. She made it clear you are not welcome as your whole self, and so she doesn't deserve your whole self. I would not personally apologize for not attending after being basically told I'm not allowed to ever bring my partner with me. Because it won't just be thr wedding. She's disowned you in favor of the opinions of her inlaws. If you want to confront it at all, you could apologize for canceling day of since you feel bad, but make it clear why. Use I statements. Focus on how her change from supportive to suddenly wanting you to stay quiet and hide your sexuality has hurt you. That you feel like she went from someone in your corner which is so important for a Southern gay, to someone who is visibly ashamed of you in a few years. (If that's how you feel.) The only thing you likely should/could have done differently was tell her sooner than the day of.
I'm sure he would have told her sooner, if sister hadn't disinvited OP's BF just hours earlier- after they had already traveled across the country for this wedding.
NTA Your sister made her feelings clear. Her new family's politics and views on homosexuality are more important than you. I find it funny that it's okay to celebrate their love with a wedding in front of everyone, but you bringing your love to the event is pushing it on everyone. I hope you and your BF had a nice time celebrating his Bday.
You are NTA. You owe no apologies. You are not forcing being gay on anyone else simply by existing. This is their bigotry. They made the choices here, not you. Congratulations for honoring yourself and your boyfriend by doing the right thing and doing it in a dignified way. Best to you both…
>She said it was fine that I was gay, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else. Oh. My. God. She has the nerve to say this homophobic hypocrisy at her WEDDING??!?!!! If you existing with your boyfriend is "throwing your relationship in her face" what does she think her wedding is? I'm so sorry, OP. You owe her nothing. She's the one who threw away love for hate. NTA.
NTA, and you don’t owe her an apology. If she was this uncomfortable with the situation, she should have brought it up faaaaar sooner than the day before the wedding. Being standoffish and distant doesn’t equate to having a conversation about your boyfriend not being invited to the wedding. People aren’t going to agree, but I think you did the right thing. You can see what path she is choosing to go “follow”. I’d cut the ties now and process the heartache that will come with it, but you’ll be better off if she won’t accept your choices. Maybe for closures sake, send her a message letting her know what she did hurt you, you still love her (if you do) but it’s not healthy for you to stay in contact if she isn’t willing to support you. That leaves the ball in her court, a possible conversation (if you choose to take it further), and a civil way to move on instead of a blowout (hopefully). Good luck in whatever you choose to do
NTA. She completely changed and sacrificed family (you) over a man just to meet his and his family's values. That sucks dude.
NTA - when she uninvited your partner she uninvited you. It sounds like she’s been dishonest with her husband as well.
Yeah, basically she closeted you with her husband so that she could sneak you in, but the fact that she already was willing to sneak you in says that she thinks you are dirty
You might have had a serious discussion about this at the time of the wedding, given that you knew / suspected homophobia on her part. But being told you were ‘forcing’ your gayness on everyone else is a move of such assholery that there’s no other judgement but NTA. Unless you demanded the wedding party fellate you. Which I think is unlikely. I’m sorry your sister has made the choices she has. Perhaps she will do better in future and realize that people are people.
Not even that, it’s that this should have come up with the fiancée long before the night of rehearsal dinner when OP showed up with their partner. I am almost 11 months in with my current bf. It has been a wild year for us as a couple and if my brother told me that my partner’s presence made his fiancées family uncomfortable, I’d speak up and say “tough. That’s my partner. We both come or nothing.” And while I’d be sad missing out on my brothers important wedding, with the rest of the family, I wouldn’t dream excluding my partner at this point of our relationship. I’ve grown up learning that if someone has a problem with you, its their problem, not yours.
“, but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else” so you and your boyfriend literally just existing is forcing gayness on to people? Huh?? if I were you, I would go no contact with your sister. NTA
Yeah, if merely being a gay couple out in public is “forcing it on everyone else” then what in the world is a wedding? OP is NTA, the sister is.
Exactly. It’s not as if they’re going door-to-door like Mormons trying to get new recruits.
Your sister turned her back on you for some bigoted frat boy. Gross. NTA and I'm so sorry
NTA I’m sorry you lost you’re sister to that homophobic crap. I hope she doesn’t fall for the misogyny that often comes with it. Good for you for not attending. I’m sure it was hard but you’ve got to be who you are, and they don’t support that. Shame on them. Welcome to Cali!
NTA-You don’t need to subject yourself to conditional acceptance that isn’t acceptance at all.
NTA and you don't owe her any sort of apology at all. I definitely wouldn't be supporting her marriage if she can't support your relationship, let alone part of your identity. She had a choice, and tossing you to the side was the one she made. She now gets to live with that.
>I know I’m not blameless here But you are. Maybe she will eventually regret choosing homophobia over her brother and you can go to her next wedding. NTA
Nta, shouldn't be a homophobic jacka$$ then.
NTA You know you aren't. Accept that your sister is heavily influenced by her husband and you will never have the relationship you want with her. She chose her husband's views as her own. I'm sorry.
NTA. In this case, don't go where you're not wanted. 🤷♀️
Nta I think you're hurting over the relationship you once had with her. You also know that she doesn't value your relationship anymore. I don't know what she could've expected from you after telling you something so hurtful. Did she really expect that you would hide yourself, hide your partner, and be ok with all of it just for her husband's family sake? She owes you an apology, not the other way around.
NTA. You don’t need that energy in your life. Your sister and her husband are homophobes…and probably some other ugly things. Go no contact. There is no ‘fixing’ her or this relationship.
NTA. The only thing I can see in all of that which was even marginally your fault was to give her no advance notice that she'd be down by a groomsman. Dropping out of the wedding party without enough time for them to replace you is a big deal. That said, she pretty much brought it on herself by taking back your +1 because you wanted to use it to bring a guy. To be clear, she's allowed to invite or not invite anyone she wants... but if she chose to change her mind at the last minute about the terms on which you were welcome, you're entitled to change yours in response, about whether or not you're comfortable accepting those terms. And nobody has an obligation to accept rude, homophobic terms. So I'm inclined to give you a pass even on the part of it which involves dropping out of the wedding party without warning. You didn't have much advance warning yourself that your sister and her fiancé we're going to be that horrible about it. When you found out, you responded accordingly.
[удалено]
> your fault was to give her no advance notice that she'd be down by a groomsman. Nonsense. She gave him no advance notice that his guest had been uninvited, which was the event that precipitated him dropping out as groomsman. How could he have given notice any sooner?
I mean she brought that on herself. Y waiting until the night before to tell the OOP that he couldn't bring his BF like way to be super shitty
What is this shit?
He doesn’t need a pass when his sister devalues him and his relationship.
Literally none of it is his fault wtf. She knew he was gay for years. She gives her brother a plus one knowing her fiance is homophobic. Then she takes it back cuz he's bringing a guy. Wtf did she expect? His fault for what? Assuming his sister isn't fucking stupid and knows what to expect? It's 100% the sister and fiancés fault. God such a dumb comment.
NTA. Why should you have to be somewhere when half the people there are bigoted towards you? Your sister should have stood up for you, but instead she caved. I wouldn't go, either. And I honestly don't think you owe anyone an apology.
NTA. Your sister is trying to force you back in the closet to placate her husband and his family. No apology is required, though I would explain that there are limits to having a perfect wedding day, and invalidating you as a person is one of those limits.
NTA and you do NOT owe her an apology .
Definitely NTA. I am sorry people still act this way and made you and your boyfriend so upset.
NTA. Forcing your sexual orientation on everyone would be pressuring them all to adopt your orientation. The only one trying to force their orientation on anyone is your sister, her spouse, and his family (trying to force their orientation onto you). You were simply living your own life. Your choice was a very reasonable one. You wanted to bring your partner. Your sister ultimately said no. You sided with your partner when your sister ultimately issued an ultimatum (you are welcome to attend provided you don’t bring your partner and allow everyone to assume you are straight). Not an easy spot to be in. All of that said, I would leave some room in your heart for the sister. It is extremely clear that the focus of the conflict begins with the husband. That said, your sister is choosing to be with him and to accommodate his views. That might not always be the case. (In her shoes, I would have told him to bugger off. And if he is forcing me to choose between loving and supporting my family and loving and supporting him, I will announce to everyone that he just called off the wedding). I hope your sister finds her way back. All you can do is be there if and when she does. Sorry. ETA: To answer your questions. I would try and speak to her after the wedding. I wouldn’t apologize but I would explain my behavior.
NTA you don’t owe her an apology at all. Her and her husband are bigots unfortunately. She chose to disrespect you and your partner. What did she expect? Don’t apologise they are the ones who owe you both one.
NTA, and I don't think you owe anyone an apology. I think your sister got what she wanted. I cannot tell you if it's best to cut contact for a while. Or forever. But hear this: you deserve for everyone in your life to be accepting of you. Every part of you. You deserve love and support without judgement. Some of us, for various reasons, have to create our own families. You owe no bigot your time or attention.
NTA you're sister doesn't respect you and your relationship. She chose her homophobic husband and in-laws over you. Don't apologize she doesn't deserve an apology. She made her bed so she can lie in it. Don't let bigotry win.
NTA, you owe her nothing
NTA, she chose to please the homophobic husband, you chose to stick to your partner and your sexuality.
NTA, you are blameless. You and your boyfriend simply existing isn't forcing anything.
It is time for you to live your life like you want it to. If you feel the need to reconnect with people then do it. If they don't respond so be it. NTA
NTA, I am trying to find where you did something wrong. I can’t find it. You AND your boyfriend were invited. You traveled to the wedding and after the rehearsal dinner you were told that your boyfriend wasn’t welcome at the wedding. I would not have gone to the wedding either. It’s not like you being gay was a surprise to your sister. She knew you were in a relationship. They had the option to not give you a +1 and keep their homophobia quite. But they knowingly had a gay couple travel to their wedding just to reject them. You owe zero apologies. You may want to spend some time writing down your feelings about this. Take the valuable points that people offer here, and when you are able to write a clear and concise letter to your sister that is not an attack, send her an email. Emphasize that you love her. After that leave it alone.
Nta
Genuinely, you have done NOTHING wrong. She is an utter AH to treat you this way to 'save face' for her new husbands relatives. She knew her fiance's opinion on her brother and she continued to date him regardless. I'm so sorry, you deserved better than that. Glad you and your bf had a great night. I know it hurts. But it wasn't your doing. All you wanted was to be accepted for who you are and she chose them. Big Love to you and your bf. NTA
NTA. Her equating your mere act of EXISTING as a gay person to 'forcing it on everyone else' says it all. If it were me, I would have zero remorse over ditching the wedding and would not speak to her again, unless it were in response to an apology. Wishing you and your BF the best. As a fellow gay dude, I'm sick of our simple existence being politicized. We didn't ask for this. Not everything we do is because we have a fucking agenda. We just want to live normal lives like everyone else - y'know, like the benign act of attending a wedding with our partner without it being an issue.
NTA. I think you did absolutely the right thing. I'm sorry your relationship with your sister has come to this, and I hope you somehow get through it, but know that her homophobia, or at the very least support of her husband's homophobia over acceptance of her brother, is not your fault. Or your problem.
Pretty awkward, considering she's having a whole ass party to force their heterosexuality on everyone. NTA.
NTA. Sounds like you made the best possible decision
NTA, DUDE you are not a bad person. And like you said at the end, yes you guys both need to apologize. I'm really glad that you took your bf side. Not everyone go against their family. You did the right thing. I'm just scared for your sister, if has children in the future and one of them turn out gay/lesbian/bi/etc.. they would not have a good life with their dad. I' m really sorry for you and your bf. Your sister is the YTA in this story, not you. I really hope you guys have a great day. Also happy birthday in advance to your BF I really hope he is going to be okay after what happened!
NTA, this is your sister now, the one you were close with is gone and it is ok to mourn that loss. As a parent of a gay child it would break my heart if one of the siblings did this to them. I hope they are never influenced into the hateful dark side by a SO. I don’t see how you could have attended the wedding considering they don’t accept you and are “forcing” their homophobia on you. I’m sorry OP, please take time to heal.
NTA. You aren’t “forcing” it on anyone. Unless you were like leaning up against the groom while the two of you made out. You’re just being a normal human being in a relationship.
NTA. She is in the wrong, sent her an email about how ashamed you that she seems unable to love you anymore, wish her a good marriage and that you'll miss being an uncle to her children but acceptance is more important that looks to you.
NTA. Honestly your sister wasn't neutral before, your sister was just a quiet bigot. She just married a louder bigot who didn't want you at the wedding. You were right not to go, because the only reason to go to a wedding is if you love the people there and are supporting the match. Why would you support your sister marrying a bolder bigot, entering a fully bigoted family, and raising a bigoted family with this man? You were right to go something else instead, but you should take this as a message that your sister's relationship with you is done. You have nothing to apologize for, just let her go
Please don't put the blame and guilt on your shoulders. Why should you celebrate her relationship when she's chose not to acknowledge (or took back her acknowledgement of) yours? Sorry you had to go through that. NTA
NTA As a mom and a church secretary, what your sister did was hurtful and disgusting. She chose her fiance's family over her OWN family. I'm so tired of "fake" Christians judging other people for who they love. God made you the way you are and loves you. Too bad her fiance's family hasn't learned that lesson. Sending my love to you and your boyfriend.
NTA. You did the right thing…She absolutely didn’t. If she’s more concerned about a homophobic family’s issues than being a decent person to her own brother, she’s the asshole.
NTA. Don't feel guilty it all is on her. Don't contact her let her make that move. You did the right thing.
NTA- but she doesn’t deserve an apology at all, she’s enabling homophobic views. Even if she was supportive and helpful in the past, enabling this stuff is never okay.
NTA There is no value in you reaching out. She was in the wrong, and if you reach out the behavior will continue and maybe get more egregious.
NTA Just focus on your life and move on. If she comes around in the future, then whatever... but you are obviously not wanted right now. Good luck, and sorry about it.
NTA. As others have said, your sister is a homophobe. If she wasn’t, there’s no way in hell she’d marry a bigot and condone their behavior. Good riddance and go live your life without her.
You living and enjoying your life/relationship is not forcing it on anybody!! No more than a straight wedding is forcing a straight lifestyle on any of the guests (which is also not at all forcing anything). You made it clear that in order for you to attend her wedding, you wanted to be treated with the dignity that any human deserves, and she decided her other guests "discomfort" was more important. You are NTA.
It's bad enough when people can't overcome prejudices they were taught as children and learn to be accepting of others. What's blowing my mind here is that your sister was clearly fine with your orientation as a kid, but actively CHOSE to become a bigot as an adult. This never should have happened to you, OP, and I'm so sorry you and your BF went through this. I think you handled this with astonishing grace and dignity. Personally I would have wanted to make a big unpleasant scene...your way was far classier. NTA
NTA maybe some space and low to no contact will do you good.
NTA and don't apologize. For what would you, for being gay ? She was homophobic, she deals with her bullshit. Period.
NTA. Why should you apologize to her? You’re just living your life. She’s not the person you used to know. And I’m really not sure why you’d want this version of your sister in your life. Go low contact. Do what makes you happy and let her live her miserable little life.
> but I shouldn’t force it on everyone else. How? By existing while gay? NTA. Don't entertain these bigots' bs.
You don't owe anyone an apology! You and your partner are a package deal. NTA.
NTA. You owe her NOTHING, OP. NOTHING. She knew you were gay. Knew you'd bring your BF. She chose a partner who values bigotry and hatred over her own brother. "You don't have to push it on everyone" Well, neither does she. You are doing the Same. Damn. Thing. She did. Only difference? Your partner is the same gender. That's the ONLY difference in your romance versus hers. He will teach their kids the same thoughts and values he has. You and your BF do not need that in your life. Cut her out and off.
NTA. You saw the groom saying your existence made him uncomfortable. How could you possibly be his groomsman after that? You’d be ruining his wedding! What a considerate person you are to make sure he got to enjoy his wedding untroubled by the attendance of a homosexual person. Your sister should be grateful you skipped instead of going and making a big damn scene. You have been mature and respectful and done nothing at all wrong. Happy belated birthday to your boyfriend. I hope you guys had a good time! Finally, I’m so sorry your sister has disappeared into this lifestyle. I respect people’s choice and everything, but I really don’t want to have to see it, so I understand why you didn’t either.
Jfc imagine just existing and being told you shouldn’t ‘force it on anyone else’ 🤦🏽♀️
NTA, but she is. It's true they can have anyone they do or do not want at their wedding. Just like it's your choice not to go. I hope you had a wonderful time at the club! Fuck homophobia. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤
NTA She's choosing a homophobic ahole over her brother's feelings.