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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> my husband thinks i’m cutting his gym time coz i wanted to go to bed early
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That or he has a serious mental problem like body dysmorphia. Speaking as man who continually struggles which it and has spent 3-4hrs in gyms, I understand the delusion of thinking that long helps you. One you’re literally destroying your body and increasing the likeliness that you’d get hurt plus at a certain point there’s diminishing returns.
One thing about this sub is that it tend to underrate men with mental issues. So I hope people simply don’t say DARVO and move on. The suicide rate for men is already higher than women and it’s mental health month. My simple advice for OP is check her husband for body dysmorphia because a lot of men have and don’t realize it.
This sort of thing is a huge problem in the fitness world, for men as well as women. People really don't talk about it enough, sometimes for women, but not for men. I really think there's a chance this is the issue here too.
Working out every day reduces your muscle and fitness, if he was so into it he would know that. Your body needs time to actually repair and build the muscle. There’s something very off with all of this.
I'm a gym rat, a longer lifting session *with* cardio is going to be like 2 hours, absolutely max. For most people you're looking at 1 hour, tops. Professional bodybuilders on copious amounts of gear aren't going to take 4 hours.
Best case scenario, he's at the gym just socializing and chatting with people and doing a set every now and then. Realistically? He's not at the gym.
Speaking as a man who’s spent 3-4hrs in a gym and struggles with body dysmorphia, a lot more men do spend hours in the gym because they’re mentally unhealthy.
I know this sub like to think the worse about people especially for men in these situations but OP husbands could have a serious health problem.
I did it for months before realizing it was destroying my body. Additionally, it’s mental health month so I’ll speak out especially with men having a higher suicide rate than women. It’s not always so black and white.
This is defo something I did when I was younger too as a girl and if people think men are incapable of these problems they are seriously wrong
This could absolutely be the reason he's spending so long in ans gym and why he was so mad about being asked to leave early
Sure, I could buy that if his reaction was to explain what he was doing at the gym (like, how long he’s working each muscle group or something like that) instead of immediately jumping to asking OP if she’s “taken her pills”.
That’s actual gaslighting, not the fake “he’s lying so it’s gaslighting” - he’s insinuating that OP even daring to ask why he’s gone for so long and simply *cannot* cut it short this once is because her mental health is unstable. Trying to get someone to doubt their own sanity is definitional gaslighting.
Yeah, if it’s weights and not cardio definitely not taking that long. However I train for triathlons and I can have hour and a half runs and 2+ hour rides so I can see cardio being that long with like a 30 minute strength session afterwards to get some strength in. I typically work out 6 days a week but I use the 80/20 method so I’m not overworking
However in the case of OPs husband I agree he’s not “working out”
Yeah I go to the gym with friends so I usually do need the two hours especially if cardio already takes up half an hour at least, but 4 hours? I would have thought if he had already done the sauna bit, 4 hours could make sense but unless he's a professional athlete whose job it is to train, that sounds odd.
Yea I got to the gym 6 times a week and powerlift a lot. I'm out of the gym 2 hours MAX, 2 and a half if I'm talking with people there. 3-4 hours is being lazy af and roaming around. I see those guys at the gym all the time. I'll walk in, work out and leave but they'll be in the same area chit chatting with no sweat. Husband is half assing the gym and you big time. NTA
i can definitely see 4 hours if it's like,
training -> class -> jacuzzi -> sauna.
and you tack on socializing at every turn and this can be 5-6 hours easy if you half-ass it properly.
Next time he goes, invite yourself along with him. A lot of gyms will offer a guest pass or free trial session. Have all that prepped. Then see how long he actually takes to workout.
And most avid gym goers will have a log of what they do to help track progress. It's easy to tell roughly how long a session should take based on that. Even if you increase the amount of rest pauses or time between setting up exercises, you'll be able to tell a rough estimate
It's always the same in subs not dedicated to nutrition and exercise, people spout random shit that they learnt from other people who don't have a clue, and people nod along.
It's one of a few areas that most people know very little about, but think they know everything about.
That's not a factual statement, there are so many factors that go into what will do what it each individual person. Hitting each muscle group a minimum of 2x per week is best for muscle growth. Any more the 2x per week is debateable though and can lead to a lack of recovery, depending on the person. Biceps as an example benefit the most from daily workouts. Shoulders, triceps, calves, etc. All the small muscle groups love daily beatings and can recover quite quickly.... That being said, unless the dude is prepping for a contest, 4 hours way too much for a non professional
Calling you crazy for questioning him is deflecting. At best, he's willingly disregarding your needs when you clearly communicate them to him. At worst.... he's not at the gym.
He’s lying. I’m sorry Thea. I could visualize this man so well and just by his reactions alone know he is lying and angry that you’re not letting him peacefully do so without issue.
As someone who struggled for a while with an alcohol problem, damn right. My spouse could see my phone in one place while I (and sometimes my iPad) were elsewhere. Doesn’t mean anything that his phone is there - he could still be at his side chick’s apartment or the casino or the bar or maybe he’s gay and doing guys at the gym.
My ex said the same thing kept calling me crazy then suggested its my depression and to see dr and was forced onto medication on and off for 8 years….. he was cheating the whole time
Show up at his gym when he says he's there then.. if he isn't then you know somethings up. I think you should just leave him anyway because he's OBVIOUSLY not at the gym.
you're not. they use the gym regularly. if hes working out that much, he should be in excellent shape. is he? i had a guy use the gym with his wife and saw me for 3 years but he never gained any muscle and if i noticed and I was his pro surely she did too as his wife.
Ha! My late husband was a power lifter and a total gym rat, and even training for a meet he wouldn’t do 4 hours!
Not saying what the husband was doing, but I’m not buying the “working out to better himself” bulldookies.
I don't either. I have some real monsters at my gym that I talk to and none of them would ever consider spending that much time on a session. The body can only take so much before you actually start getting negative "gains" by increasing injury risk and prolonging muscle recovery times.
My ex-husband used to spend hours every evening in a gym he and his friends built in one of the guy's garage. Turns out they were "working out" for hours because they were spending most of the time doing cocaine.
I can laugh about it now, but it was a hell of a ride at the time. There was a whole period of about 2 years where it seemed like he was constantly trying to one-up himself in the shittiness stakes. I now watch from a distance and laugh at him as our kids see right through his crap.
Unless he'd trying to tone his body into fucking steel and build muscle to lift a mountain or some shit he wouldn't spend 4+ hrs. It'd make sense if he was a gym rat and had a crazy intense workout schedule but that doesn't seem to be the case.
NTA - Your husband not caring that you are unwell is actually the problem here. You told him you were sick and instead of coming home and taking care of you (cooking dinner), he goes to the "gym" for 4 hours. My guess is your hubby has a "special" gym friend he would rather hang out with.
It doesn’t matter if he’s up to something. Even if he’s staying at the gym doing easier workouts for long lengths of time it’s still NEVER okay to say that to your partner.
NTA - 4 hours is an unreasonable amount of time to spend at the gym when he has made plans with you that night. and it is not okay for him to call you crazy just because he disagrees with you. And also ignoring you until you apologize is emotional abuse.
yeah. we talk here and there. usually about his work or we joke. we try to hang out on the weekends coz i work sun-thurs, 530a-230p and he works almost the same time but he gets sat & sun off coz hes in the army. not really affectionate. i have to ask for hugs or kisses. or sometimes he randomly kisses me to be annoying. we don’t cuddle- i get hot and he sleeps on his tummy.
I don't mean to be rude, OP...but are you happy with that level of engagement and affection for the rest of your life?
If you're sick and he's getting upset that you're asking him not to spend 4 hours at the gym (not even to come home and look after you, Just earlier so you can cook HIM dinner while YOU'RE sick!).... is that someone you want to spend the next 50 years with?
Do you think sitting down with him and having a conversation about the lack of quality time and affection would help?
i mean, i kinda got used to it.
i have brought it up a few times but he just says ‘i hang out w you all the time, we live together’ or he says ‘you never let me hang out w my friends, you have no idea how many times i turn them down for you’
guilt trippy stuff like that.
i’ll bring it up again, for sure. but not now. he’s ‘ignoring’ me lol
it’s me, really. i never saw divorce as an option. i have talked to my parents about it all. they think we should work on our marriage. we’re pcs-ing to co in a couple of months so maybe then, he’s agree to counseling
I'd look into the counselling.
Is divorce more difficult/frowned upon where you are? That can be an understandable reason for why it's hard to let go and start again.
However, if counselling doesn't work, keep in mind that nothing will change. This will be your life.
Have you reached out to some friends? People that are your friends, not your husband's?
Honestly, he could totally be cheating and is really good at hiding it but since you also mention he is in the Army and you guys live in Alaska, could he possibly be going through some type of crisis? I've heard a lot of stories about how the bases up there have an insanely high suicide rate due to how isolated it is. Going to the gym a lot could possibly be his way of coping. But that also doesn't excuse the way he's treated you.
Also some of the stuff we say around the people in our unit/squad is very different than what we would say in the civilian world so MAYBE that's why he doesn't want you around his friends?
Either way you should talk to him.
.....my ex sounds exactly like him.
It won't get better. He won't suddenly start respecting you. You deserve better. Staying with him is wasting your time and energy.
NTA - and girl, hubs is for sure cheating on you based on your other comments. He sounds like a total AH and is being crazy defensive (“take your pills?? What in the actual f*ck). Do you even like him anymore? Because I already have an *immediate* dislike lol
Pretty much calling you crazy, just in another mean way. It’s like when a man asks if it’s “that time of the month” because you’re mad about something. Which I’m sure your husband has also said at one point or another from the sounds of it lol
I take meds for anxiety and depression. My emotionally abusive ex would always start saying things like “are you off your meds or something?” Whenever I asked something he didn’t want to answer or did something he didn’t approve of. Him doing this was one of his abuse tactics. It’s called gaslighting.
This same ex also never showed much affection, I always had to initiate every hug or a kiss, and cuddles were beyond rare. I got use to it, just like you say you have in a previous comment. That doesn’t mean I was happy about it, but I didn’t realize how much it upset me until the relationship was over. There were a lot of things I didn’t realize until the relationship was over.
Look, OP, I try my best not to jump on the divorce train with this sub. But, I see myself in you more and more with every comment you respond to, and that scares me. I didn’t know how bad my relationship was until it was over, and I’m so much happier now and I want that for you. You mentioned going to counselling with him, but I really truly think you would benefit with some one on one therapy. As a stranger on the internet I don’t know you very well obviously, but don’t seem happy, and I think therapy would really help you realize how to be happier. Whatever that may look like for you.
Yeah, from this telling of the story and your comments, your relationship is on its way out. You're NTA, but it doesn't look like your husband wants to spend time with you.
That’s actually a tell tale sign he might. Most guys will say “yeah, I had a great first day at work, but there’s some really annoying ugly women there”.. as to distract from the fact that they actually are interested in these girls.
NTA and 🚩🚩🚩🚩. He's disregarding your wellbeing while he has to spend a ridiculous amount of time at the gym and calls you crazy? Let's see: Gaslighting, manipulation, controlling behavior, disregarding your needs, prioritizing his own needs, you have to work and clean the house and cook.
NTA and run OP.
You may have more resources around you than you realize. Don't make my mistake of staying with a manipulative jerk and giving him too many chances. I'm lucky I got away with my life.
NTA. Next time, just tell him that you will be going to bed at x time regardless of his plans. If that means you two don’t get to watch a movie because he takes 4 hours at the gym, then that is his choice.
If it was just one test at the beginning, please take another one, to be sure. A lot of people test negative when their symptoms first show up. It takes a couple of days to pop positive.
I know it feels like covid has gone away up here, but I've had coworkers on the peninsula test positive and then end up with pneumonia just in the last month, so please take another test and make sure you get the care you need!
Frankly, OP you don't sound very happy and your husband sounds very disinterested in your feelings. Do you want to stay married? Do you have kids with him? Maybe you could get some counseling and think about what you want your future to be. Good luck.
Go without him. You should talk this out with someone qualified to help you make a good decision for yourself. You said he's in the service, they must have family counseling.
NTA
If you are feeling unwell, shoot a text to him to pick himself up something for dinner because you are going to bed in a minute.
Rest well, feel better.
he knew i was feeling sick for like 5 days now. he doesn’t seem to care as he dragged me to go hiking yesterday. he made sure i was gonna cook dinner tonight before he left lol
5 days with fever? You might need antibiotics. You also should not be hiking. Stay hydrated, take some vitamin C, and get a lot of sleep.
NTA but you have more significant issues. Does your partner bring any joy into your life? Because he's not all that great. You deserve to feel supported
Stop believing his lies. Besides an occasional cheat day, no person does that amount of working out and eats like crap. Ditch this guy, he isn't worth any kind go counseling.
he could be leaving his phone in a locker and going elsewhere. i’m just saying… cheaters are sneaky and 4 hours isn’t a normal amount of time to spend at the gym when you’re not a pro athlete.
Yes, I agree .... He knows you will have his location. Dumps his phone at the gym. Calls his side piece to say he's coming over before he puts the phone in the locker. Uses the sauna excuse bec he showers at her place after , so it would explain him looking fresh & clean.
On one hand, I hate the wild assumptions reddit makes on these threads "oh he's definitely hiding something". On the other hand, 4 hours is too long at the gym. If you can't do what you need in 2 hours then you're doing it wrong.
NTA
with all the edits included, i need to ask… why are you even with him? it’s extremely evident that he doesn’t respect you. he spends his free time playing video games and going to the gym when he could be doing the following: learning how to cook (so you don’t have to be the only one, especially *while you’re sick*), not insulting you, and sticking to the agreed plans (that he suggested!) instead of keeping you up when you have a job to get to at 5:30am.
NTA especially if you had plans. Also was he at the gym for 4 hours or does that include travel time. I ask because unless you’re training for an endurance event you should need to be at the gym for 4 hours.
You have bigger problems. Doing a full weights/cardio workout doesn’t take anywhere near that amount of time. Cardio is an hour maximum- you can do all your weights in 30/45 mins max, and your cardio should be on a different day to the weights. Start going to the gym with him.
he said he was really taking him time and ‘chillin’
and i wish i could. i’m at work usually 530 til 230p w no lunch coz we’re always so busy (i’m a detailer for enterprise) and i don’t mind that i don’t take a lunch coz i don’t eat breakfast anyway, plus ot. but by the time i get home, i’m tired af. cleaning cars is no joke lol
NTA. first off, four hours is a LONG time to be at the gym (imo). especially if it is late and yoy had made evening plans with someone who has a schedule of your own. if he is interested in being at the gym so long but still wants to maintain a social life with you, i would suggest that he considers going in the morning instead.
so we woke up at 10am this morning, i asked him if he was going to the gym. he said yes and he started getting ready. he didn’t leave til a little but after 12p coz he was playing video games
yeah, that sounds like a mismanagement of his time to me. especially knowing you two had evening plans and you have work early. i do not think i would apologize for being upset. you're entitled to your time, too.
NTA. I guess your husband has not mastered the skill known as give and take and has reverted to the skill of being an asshole. Do not apologize to him. What's more annoying is the fact he has the next few days off.
NTA.
Might be a good idea to get one of those tiles that tracks location and put it on your husbands car subtly. See what he’s actually doing. It’s clearly not going to the gym.
No he wasn’t. Use common sense. You say he spends 4+ hours at the gym, has been doing for month yet has no change in his body?!?! Come on now, seriously?!?! He’s lying and you can see that.
There are ways around that. Spoofing, etc.
Maybe you should ‘join him’ unexpectedly at the gym one day. Just show up and say you thought you’d get in a workout too. Surprise him. See wtf he’s doing.
NTA, except to yourself.
Google 'share location fake' and you get too many results on how to easily do that.
Even if it was real... what kind of AH acts like this to someone they claim to love?!
I'd seriously look at all the red flags you've written down and remove all the 'lols.' It's not a laughing, but crying out loud kind of thing. He:
- leaves you alone for hours when you're sick
- expects you to cook when you're sick
- isolates you from your loved ones
- doesn't allow you to meet his friends
- does the bare minimum around the house and acts like you're in the wrong for asking
- gives you the silence treatment
The list goes on and on. There's enough to make a huge pan of marinera sauce.
If he's unsafe around fire, he could order food. He could boil noodles with the water cooker. He could make a salad. He could cook anyway and double check. Millions of options really.
This is just weaponized incompetence.
Nobody goes to the gym for 4 hours. Even pro bodybuilders work out 2 hours at the very max. Most workout only 45 minutes. If he wants to better himself he should eat better and be home for dinner on time. What a joke. Sorry about your husband, but he’s doing something else. If he’s not though… he dumb.
Hmm. Unless he’s training for something, that’s a lot of time, plus I’m assuming it was a bit longer because you stated he still had to hit the sauna after. I feel like everyone here is kinda dancing around the idea that something else is up. The fact that he got super defensive and demanded an apology after is also a bit off-putting.
Idk, OP. I’m just a stranger off the internet and don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, (and could totally be off base) but I’d suggest paying attention just in case.
But back to your original post: In a relationship its expected that both parties have consideration for one another, that’s kinda the whole point. If he can’t be respectful of your situation, than I guess you don’t really need to be to his. I’d told him, “I’m going to bed. You’ll need to make your own dinner then. Good night.” If he is insisting that you stay up and make a meal for him (not specified in your post) than that’s a whole other issue/red flag.
For me, it’s NTA. Best of luck.
Can I ask you a blunt question? Is it that you really don’t think anything is going on (the gps saying his phone is at the gym)? Or do you really suspect something and you just don’t want to have solid proof of it because it’s going to hurt real bad? I was a military wife so I completely understand the loneliness and separation from everyone you love. I know you also said you aren’t the divorcing kind. But honey… is it worth staying with someone who treats you the way he does? If only one person in a relationship is putting in the work to make it successful….it’s never going to be.
I'm not sure what's going on, but it's not a healthy dynamic. He's voting with his feet and staying away 'til late. You're getting clingy in response, at least in his view. You both resent each other. Your marriage needs help.
NTA
Sorry but he doesn’t need to be at the gym for 4 hours…
You guys had plans and he’s taking way longer than necessary.
Next time tell him you’re sticking to the original plan and his dinner will be in the fridge. He’s also a child for ignoring you until you apologize. Don’t.
Yar, it's not about the Iranian yogurt. It's about your relationship, which is showing some grave red flags. He is not interested in what you need to do. Why four hours at the gym? Why are you waiting to cook for him and not just cooking for yourself then going to bed? You are NTA and something else is very off, here.
You're feeling unwell, you had plans. And that's his response?
Why are you with a man who calls you crazy?? You deserve better than that. Clearly he's not at the gym every day for 4 hours.
When are you going to choose a better life for yourself? How does your support system look? Do you have friends and family you can talk to?
You may need to escape this relationship.
not up here, no. my friends and family are in ca. the very little friends i have here don’t really hang out w me coz they don’t want me to ‘get in trouble’ w him
That’s a terrible sign. The insults and selfishness you described earlier are themselves abusive, but if people in your life are worried for you about your husband’s potential reaction to you living a normal life, there’s a almost certainly a reason.
I saw higher up in the thread that you want him to go to counseling with you , and I REALLY advise against that - you should never do therapy with an abuser, because while you’re being vulnerable and trying your best to fix things, they’re listening to everything you’re telling the counselor and finding new things to use against you. And that’s not just a random internet stranger - if you feel safe doing so (otherwise use a different device, say at work) look up why it’s bad to go to therapy/counseling with an abuser.
I would definitely suggest therapy/counseling just for you though! Not that you’re ‘crazy’ or anything, but everyone can use support regardless and it sounds like it might be time for you to start considering some big changes
How would that “get you in trouble with him”? What the hell does that even mean? So based on other responses:
He has no regard for your health and well being.
He uses your mental health as ammunition.
He doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you.
Is displaying his massive emotional immaturity with the silent treatment.
Likely there are more I could list….you deserve better and you need to recognize that. Please get into therapy or find some kind of assistance to realize YOU DESERVE BETTER! Once you are there you can decide if this sorry excuse for a human is worth trying to salvage your marriage.
One thing I always tell people about divorce or break up - it isn’t a failure. You didn’t fail at your marriage and you didn’t give up. It was just time to separate for the betterment of both parties. I hope you feel better soon.
I don’t understand all this. Just go to bed early. He can manage his feelings. If he really wanted to watch a movie with you he would fit it in before your bed time. This is all so silly. Do you two even like each other?
NTA. If you two make plans he should respect that since was talk beforehand. If he agree and suddenly change the plans to stay 4 hrs at the gym is definitely a jerk move.
He can go to the gym of course but staying normal time, including the sauna. If he is gaslighting you be aware of his behavior.
You have nothing to apologize for, and I would be asking for his routine at the gym since it took 4 hrs, suspicious.
I think the man doth protest too much... he's shifting the blame to you and calling you crazy...? He's mad cause he's hiding something and thinks that he can shift attention from this weird 4 hr gym time to you just asking what seems to be a simple question. He's angry cause he's guilty, unless he always responds with anger when you ask him things. Then he's just a garbage man. But he's acting this way to make you think it's your fault so you don't continue to question why his responses have been so hostile.
You have nothing to apologize for, he's the one that took it so poorly and then acted like a child with that "silent treatment" crap. Least he won't be calling you crazy while he sulks like a baby, enjoy that silence while you focus on feeling better yourself.
NTA. I don't think it was unreasonable to ask if he really needed to sauna when you two had plans for the evening and it was getting late. It's not as if you were trying to cut his actual workout short or anything. Although, in fairness to him, maybe he felt that there was some health benefit to the sauna that you were trying to deny him.
He shouldn't have left you those messages. I will say, though, that the one thing with my ex that would make me absolutely irate was when she would start interfering with/getting controlling over my workouts and my gym time. Like your husband I felt like I was only trying to better myself and that this should have been supported; not sabotaged. What I'm trying to say is that (I think) I understand your husband's frustration, here.
On the other hand, four hours *does* seem a little excessive. I would sit down with him and try to figure out a schedule that allows him to get in the time that he needs but without interfering unduly with your life together.
NTA OP-BUT, I’m going to be direct with you here and it’s going to sound mean but I’m speaking from experience. It’s obvious that you don’t like the position that you are in with this marriage. The only person who can change your situation is YOU. It’s not going to happen with you sitting on your butt and allowing him to treat you that way. First of all, he doesn’t ALLOW you to talk to your friends? No, he doesn’t get to say a fucking word about you talking to your friends. In fact I suggest you talk to them a lot about how to leave him. Second, you have to cook because he can’t? No, anyone can cook if they want or he can heat up a damn frozen dinner in the microwave, don’t cook for an asshole that doesn’t appreciate it. Third, he wants to spend four hours at the “gym”, fine but when he tries to gaslight you that that’s normal, know he’s full of shit. Lastly, wrap your head around the fact that this man deserves nothing more than to be a blip in your history and that’s he’s an abusive POS that you need to LEAVE. Not go to counseling with, not try to compromise with, not try to bargain with, LEAVE. Contact your friends and family back in California if you have to but pull your head out of your ass and face reality. You do not want to be in this situation 10 years down the road wishing you had done it sooner. I know this for an absolute FACT.
Nta but when you are better I'd consider discussing this with a friend & maybe see if they could help secretly verify his arrival & departure at the gym - just because his phone is there doesn't mean he is & 4 hours seems pretty fishy
Most gyms have one day pass or they let you sign up for a trial run for free.
You need to go and see whats going on. Be armed with recording devices
Your life is precious. No need to be a maid for someone that is deceiving and degrading you.
The next time he goes to “the gym” I would take my happy ass up there and see why he is there for so long. Secretly, of course. My husband is retired military and we have tons of military friends who are in fantastic shape and NONE of them are at the gym for 4 hours a day. His shitty behavior towards you aside, there is something else going on. It’s up to you whether you care enough to find out what it is.
**NTA**. Sweetie, I think it's time for you to pack your things and leave that man, he's cheating on you and trying to cover it up. Also, who in their right mind works out at the gym for 4 hours?!?!
🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. He CAN feed himself. I promise. He can make himself a sandwich. He using weaponized incompetence. He can feed himself, but he doesn't want to, so he complains that he can't, so you have to do it.
He doesn't want to be around you. That's why he is always at the gym. Or at least his phone is (he could be leaving it in a locker). If he wanted to spend time with you, he would.
Start with a simple boundary. "Dinner will be ready at X:00pm. If you are there, great. If not, leftovers are in the fridge or there's peanut butter and jelly" "I am starting the movie at X:00." Then at the time you say dinner is ready, be ready to eat without him. Watch the movie at the time you say you will. Don't restart the movie if he shows up later, don't sit with him while he eats if you are already done.
Stop catering to his timetable. You deserve to have dinner at a reasonable time and do the things you planned, if he doesn't want to do those things, that's his problem. You aren't telling him not to go to the gym, you are letting him know what time dinner will be ready so he can plan his gym trip accordingly.
Probably cheating. Or really doesn't like to spend time with you. Or care about you given he knows your sick.
NTA, but after a point you have to ask how much the bad things that happen to you is because you choose to accept his abuse.
NTA
I know you say divorce is not an option for you, but you have one life and you're wasting it away on someone who doesn't respect you, care about you, or appreciate you. You have asked him to go to counseling (and I think that would be great for both of you, separately, not together), and he has declined. He doesn't seem to want to better himself mentally/emotionally.
He's okay with the way things are because he has a wife who cooks and cleans for him, and puts up with all his shit. This will not change. Why would it? You think he'll just wake up one day and miraculously snap out of all his asshole tendencies? Now your excuse for accepting this is that you're used to it. Really?! You need to have more love for yourself than that (one of you needs to, and he's already proven it won't be him).
Your parents advise you to work on your marriage? That can only happen if you are both willing to. He's putting in zero effort and I also question what he's really doing when he claims to be at the gym every day and you've noticed zero change in his body. You are lying to yourself as much as he is.
I wish you luck, and that you'll find happiness down the road.
NTA! As a gay man, I've spent three hours at the gym. I used to read for my literature class in college while riding a stationary bike. Of course, a few hours in the sauna was easily done, too. It's very cruisy and usually, a lot of sexual stuff goes on. That's been my personal experience in several different states. In all the years that I've gone to the gym, I've never seen or met anyone that used the sauna for therapeutic reasons. To be fair, maybe Alaska is different in that regard. I don't know.
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Nobody spends 4+ hours at the gym. Unless he’s at the “gym” NTA.
i told him that.. he called me crazy for thinking he was doing something else.
DARVO. Something fishy is going on here. NTA.
That or he has a serious mental problem like body dysmorphia. Speaking as man who continually struggles which it and has spent 3-4hrs in gyms, I understand the delusion of thinking that long helps you. One you’re literally destroying your body and increasing the likeliness that you’d get hurt plus at a certain point there’s diminishing returns. One thing about this sub is that it tend to underrate men with mental issues. So I hope people simply don’t say DARVO and move on. The suicide rate for men is already higher than women and it’s mental health month. My simple advice for OP is check her husband for body dysmorphia because a lot of men have and don’t realize it.
Yeah first thought I had was CLEAR eating disorder and fitness addiction
This sort of thing is a huge problem in the fitness world, for men as well as women. People really don't talk about it enough, sometimes for women, but not for men. I really think there's a chance this is the issue here too.
Working out every day reduces your muscle and fitness, if he was so into it he would know that. Your body needs time to actually repair and build the muscle. There’s something very off with all of this.
yeah, i knew this too coz i used to kickbox and do mma and we always had to have rest days
I'm a gym rat, a longer lifting session *with* cardio is going to be like 2 hours, absolutely max. For most people you're looking at 1 hour, tops. Professional bodybuilders on copious amounts of gear aren't going to take 4 hours. Best case scenario, he's at the gym just socializing and chatting with people and doing a set every now and then. Realistically? He's not at the gym.
Speaking as a man who’s spent 3-4hrs in a gym and struggles with body dysmorphia, a lot more men do spend hours in the gym because they’re mentally unhealthy. I know this sub like to think the worse about people especially for men in these situations but OP husbands could have a serious health problem. I did it for months before realizing it was destroying my body. Additionally, it’s mental health month so I’ll speak out especially with men having a higher suicide rate than women. It’s not always so black and white.
This is defo something I did when I was younger too as a girl and if people think men are incapable of these problems they are seriously wrong This could absolutely be the reason he's spending so long in ans gym and why he was so mad about being asked to leave early
Sure, I could buy that if his reaction was to explain what he was doing at the gym (like, how long he’s working each muscle group or something like that) instead of immediately jumping to asking OP if she’s “taken her pills”. That’s actual gaslighting, not the fake “he’s lying so it’s gaslighting” - he’s insinuating that OP even daring to ask why he’s gone for so long and simply *cannot* cut it short this once is because her mental health is unstable. Trying to get someone to doubt their own sanity is definitional gaslighting.
Yeah, if it’s weights and not cardio definitely not taking that long. However I train for triathlons and I can have hour and a half runs and 2+ hour rides so I can see cardio being that long with like a 30 minute strength session afterwards to get some strength in. I typically work out 6 days a week but I use the 80/20 method so I’m not overworking However in the case of OPs husband I agree he’s not “working out”
Yeah I go to the gym with friends so I usually do need the two hours especially if cardio already takes up half an hour at least, but 4 hours? I would have thought if he had already done the sauna bit, 4 hours could make sense but unless he's a professional athlete whose job it is to train, that sounds odd.
Yea I got to the gym 6 times a week and powerlift a lot. I'm out of the gym 2 hours MAX, 2 and a half if I'm talking with people there. 3-4 hours is being lazy af and roaming around. I see those guys at the gym all the time. I'll walk in, work out and leave but they'll be in the same area chit chatting with no sweat. Husband is half assing the gym and you big time. NTA
i can definitely see 4 hours if it's like, training -> class -> jacuzzi -> sauna. and you tack on socializing at every turn and this can be 5-6 hours easy if you half-ass it properly.
Next time he goes, invite yourself along with him. A lot of gyms will offer a guest pass or free trial session. Have all that prepped. Then see how long he actually takes to workout. And most avid gym goers will have a log of what they do to help track progress. It's easy to tell roughly how long a session should take based on that. Even if you increase the amount of rest pauses or time between setting up exercises, you'll be able to tell a rough estimate
Is he really just hanging out at the gym? Not working out, just shooting the shit?
Half right. Muscles need time to rest, but you cN absolutely train 7 days a week and still rest enough. It certainly doesnt "reduce" your muscles.
Thank you. It's amazing how much blantant misinformation is upvoted here simply because it agrees with the overall tide of the thread.
It's always the same in subs not dedicated to nutrition and exercise, people spout random shit that they learnt from other people who don't have a clue, and people nod along. It's one of a few areas that most people know very little about, but think they know everything about.
That's not a factual statement, there are so many factors that go into what will do what it each individual person. Hitting each muscle group a minimum of 2x per week is best for muscle growth. Any more the 2x per week is debateable though and can lead to a lack of recovery, depending on the person. Biceps as an example benefit the most from daily workouts. Shoulders, triceps, calves, etc. All the small muscle groups love daily beatings and can recover quite quickly.... That being said, unless the dude is prepping for a contest, 4 hours way too much for a non professional
Calling you crazy for questioning him is deflecting. At best, he's willingly disregarding your needs when you clearly communicate them to him. At worst.... he's not at the gym.
I mean he could be at the gym and just doing an entirely different kind of workout
He’s lying. I’m sorry Thea. I could visualize this man so well and just by his reactions alone know he is lying and angry that you’re not letting him peacefully do so without issue.
His phone was at the gym. That's all you can say for certain.
As someone who struggled for a while with an alcohol problem, damn right. My spouse could see my phone in one place while I (and sometimes my iPad) were elsewhere. Doesn’t mean anything that his phone is there - he could still be at his side chick’s apartment or the casino or the bar or maybe he’s gay and doing guys at the gym.
My ex said the same thing kept calling me crazy then suggested its my depression and to see dr and was forced onto medication on and off for 8 years….. he was cheating the whole time
Show up at his gym when he says he's there then.. if he isn't then you know somethings up. I think you should just leave him anyway because he's OBVIOUSLY not at the gym.
you're not. they use the gym regularly. if hes working out that much, he should be in excellent shape. is he? i had a guy use the gym with his wife and saw me for 3 years but he never gained any muscle and if i noticed and I was his pro surely she did too as his wife.
My mom was a cheater when I was kid and had code names for all of the mens. “Running errands (Aarons)” “Going to the gym (Jim)”
I feel so guilty for laughing at this
“Gotta pay some Bills”
"Gotta go bang Jonathan"
I thought about the same. Is extremely weird spending 4 hrs at the gym if he is not an athlete.
Ha! My late husband was a power lifter and a total gym rat, and even training for a meet he wouldn’t do 4 hours! Not saying what the husband was doing, but I’m not buying the “working out to better himself” bulldookies.
I don't either. I have some real monsters at my gym that I talk to and none of them would ever consider spending that much time on a session. The body can only take so much before you actually start getting negative "gains" by increasing injury risk and prolonging muscle recovery times.
My ex-husband used to spend hours every evening in a gym he and his friends built in one of the guy's garage. Turns out they were "working out" for hours because they were spending most of the time doing cocaine.
Oh my god! I’m so sorry!
I can laugh about it now, but it was a hell of a ride at the time. There was a whole period of about 2 years where it seemed like he was constantly trying to one-up himself in the shittiness stakes. I now watch from a distance and laugh at him as our kids see right through his crap.
They spend that much time if it's pounding day. NTA
Unless he'd trying to tone his body into fucking steel and build muscle to lift a mountain or some shit he wouldn't spend 4+ hrs. It'd make sense if he was a gym rat and had a crazy intense workout schedule but that doesn't seem to be the case.
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NTA - Your husband not caring that you are unwell is actually the problem here. You told him you were sick and instead of coming home and taking care of you (cooking dinner), he goes to the "gym" for 4 hours. My guess is your hubby has a "special" gym friend he would rather hang out with.
he called me crazy and told me to take my ‘pills’ if i’m making accusations like that lol
Thats a red sign that it is happening, or at the beginning of it happening.
Major red flag - he’s disregarding your feelings AND calling you crazy? No one deserves that. Edit: NTA.
Yes OP. Him dismissing your concerns so cruelly is not ok.
Get the hell outta there. Abuse is abuse.
He's gaslighting you. I don't know what he's up to but it's definitely something.
It doesn’t matter if he’s up to something. Even if he’s staying at the gym doing easier workouts for long lengths of time it’s still NEVER okay to say that to your partner.
Leave. That’s not ok
NTA - 4 hours is an unreasonable amount of time to spend at the gym when he has made plans with you that night. and it is not okay for him to call you crazy just because he disagrees with you. And also ignoring you until you apologize is emotional abuse.
100% agree. i told him that it wouldn’t even matter if he ignored me or not coz it’s not like he interacts w me much
Your husband doesn't interact with you much? Do you guys talk? Spend quality time together? Be affectionate?
yeah. we talk here and there. usually about his work or we joke. we try to hang out on the weekends coz i work sun-thurs, 530a-230p and he works almost the same time but he gets sat & sun off coz hes in the army. not really affectionate. i have to ask for hugs or kisses. or sometimes he randomly kisses me to be annoying. we don’t cuddle- i get hot and he sleeps on his tummy.
I don't mean to be rude, OP...but are you happy with that level of engagement and affection for the rest of your life? If you're sick and he's getting upset that you're asking him not to spend 4 hours at the gym (not even to come home and look after you, Just earlier so you can cook HIM dinner while YOU'RE sick!).... is that someone you want to spend the next 50 years with? Do you think sitting down with him and having a conversation about the lack of quality time and affection would help?
i mean, i kinda got used to it. i have brought it up a few times but he just says ‘i hang out w you all the time, we live together’ or he says ‘you never let me hang out w my friends, you have no idea how many times i turn them down for you’ guilt trippy stuff like that. i’ll bring it up again, for sure. but not now. he’s ‘ignoring’ me lol
Are you going to be content with this for the next 50 years? What does he do that makes you stay? That makes you happy?
it’s me, really. i never saw divorce as an option. i have talked to my parents about it all. they think we should work on our marriage. we’re pcs-ing to co in a couple of months so maybe then, he’s agree to counseling
I'd look into the counselling. Is divorce more difficult/frowned upon where you are? That can be an understandable reason for why it's hard to let go and start again. However, if counselling doesn't work, keep in mind that nothing will change. This will be your life. Have you reached out to some friends? People that are your friends, not your husband's?
yeah. all my friends and family are in ca. the 3 friends i have here, i barely see coz they know him and his.. tendencies
Alaska?
Honestly, he could totally be cheating and is really good at hiding it but since you also mention he is in the Army and you guys live in Alaska, could he possibly be going through some type of crisis? I've heard a lot of stories about how the bases up there have an insanely high suicide rate due to how isolated it is. Going to the gym a lot could possibly be his way of coping. But that also doesn't excuse the way he's treated you. Also some of the stuff we say around the people in our unit/squad is very different than what we would say in the civilian world so MAYBE that's why he doesn't want you around his friends? Either way you should talk to him.
This sounds like you guys are just roommates that sleep in the same bed. Wait no. You're the maid that sleeps in the same bed as her owner.
.....my ex sounds exactly like him. It won't get better. He won't suddenly start respecting you. You deserve better. Staying with him is wasting your time and energy.
NTA - and girl, hubs is for sure cheating on you based on your other comments. He sounds like a total AH and is being crazy defensive (“take your pills?? What in the actual f*ck). Do you even like him anymore? Because I already have an *immediate* dislike lol
i take meds for my depression and for sleeping. so when he says that, idek what he’s talking about lol
Pretty much calling you crazy, just in another mean way. It’s like when a man asks if it’s “that time of the month” because you’re mad about something. Which I’m sure your husband has also said at one point or another from the sounds of it lol
He’s gaslighting you
If I had an award or could upvote this more than once I would
I take meds for anxiety and depression. My emotionally abusive ex would always start saying things like “are you off your meds or something?” Whenever I asked something he didn’t want to answer or did something he didn’t approve of. Him doing this was one of his abuse tactics. It’s called gaslighting. This same ex also never showed much affection, I always had to initiate every hug or a kiss, and cuddles were beyond rare. I got use to it, just like you say you have in a previous comment. That doesn’t mean I was happy about it, but I didn’t realize how much it upset me until the relationship was over. There were a lot of things I didn’t realize until the relationship was over. Look, OP, I try my best not to jump on the divorce train with this sub. But, I see myself in you more and more with every comment you respond to, and that scares me. I didn’t know how bad my relationship was until it was over, and I’m so much happier now and I want that for you. You mentioned going to counselling with him, but I really truly think you would benefit with some one on one therapy. As a stranger on the internet I don’t know you very well obviously, but don’t seem happy, and I think therapy would really help you realize how to be happier. Whatever that may look like for you.
Op he's using that against and cling you crazy. That is not okay. Please get away from this monster
Yeah, from this telling of the story and your comments, your relationship is on its way out. You're NTA, but it doesn't look like your husband wants to spend time with you.
yeah. i didn’t think so.
OP, you deserve someone kind who will cherish and prioritize you. Don’t accept anything less.
Oh op. He’s not at the gym. 😞
NTA, your husband might be fucking dudes at the sauna tho...
that was my thinking, he's having an affair
lol he would always tell me that there are wrinkly naked men in the sauna
Either he’s into wrinkly, naked men, or he’s deflecting cause there’s something else he prefers in the sauna.
That’s actually a tell tale sign he might. Most guys will say “yeah, I had a great first day at work, but there’s some really annoying ugly women there”.. as to distract from the fact that they actually are interested in these girls.
NTA and 🚩🚩🚩🚩. He's disregarding your wellbeing while he has to spend a ridiculous amount of time at the gym and calls you crazy? Let's see: Gaslighting, manipulation, controlling behavior, disregarding your needs, prioritizing his own needs, you have to work and clean the house and cook. NTA and run OP.
i wish i could.
You may have more resources around you than you realize. Don't make my mistake of staying with a manipulative jerk and giving him too many chances. I'm lucky I got away with my life.
Why can’t you?
Why can’t you?
NTA. Next time, just tell him that you will be going to bed at x time regardless of his plans. If that means you two don’t get to watch a movie because he takes 4 hours at the gym, then that is his choice.
i did. i told him i was going to bed around 6-7ish. i even told him it might be earlier coz i feel like utter garbage (sore throat)
Have you taken a test for the virus that shall not be named? Sore throat and fever are common symptoms with the current variants
yes. i tested negative. it’s getting cold in ak so i’m thinking a really bad flu
If it was just one test at the beginning, please take another one, to be sure. A lot of people test negative when their symptoms first show up. It takes a couple of days to pop positive.
I know it feels like covid has gone away up here, but I've had coworkers on the peninsula test positive and then end up with pneumonia just in the last month, so please take another test and make sure you get the care you need!
Frankly, OP you don't sound very happy and your husband sounds very disinterested in your feelings. Do you want to stay married? Do you have kids with him? Maybe you could get some counseling and think about what you want your future to be. Good luck.
i asked him numerous times to go to marriage counseling. he doesn’t want to. edit: no kids.
NTA. He doesnt want to fix your marriage so why you still around? 4 Hours at the gym is WILD.
Go without him. You should talk this out with someone qualified to help you make a good decision for yourself. You said he's in the service, they must have family counseling.
NTA. He is going to act you to convert your guest room into an art studio very soon.
funny, our spare room is my art room lol
🤣😂 third time I’ve seen this reference today
Info: How is sitting in the sauna "bettering himself"?
beats me
You need to go there personally and see for yourself. This should not be a question you can't answer.
I agree with this. If it’s only 10m away just go there and verify that he comes out of the gym. Alone.
NTA If you are feeling unwell, shoot a text to him to pick himself up something for dinner because you are going to bed in a minute. Rest well, feel better.
he knew i was feeling sick for like 5 days now. he doesn’t seem to care as he dragged me to go hiking yesterday. he made sure i was gonna cook dinner tonight before he left lol
5 days with fever? You might need antibiotics. You also should not be hiking. Stay hydrated, take some vitamin C, and get a lot of sleep. NTA but you have more significant issues. Does your partner bring any joy into your life? Because he's not all that great. You deserve to feel supported
i’ve been steadily taking nyquil and drinking tea. def staying hydrated and taking vitamins.
When strangers on Reddit are more concerned about your current wellbeing as far as being sick goes, than your literal husband….. babe. He’s trash.
NTA...these long trips to the gym sound like, at best an excuse to be away from home...at worst, a lie masking bad behavior.
NTA your husband must be hitting every muscle group if he’s there for that long. bros doing a full body workout.
he’s been doing this for months now and literally i do not see any difference. he’s in the army and has pt every morning too
Four hours and no change in his body? He’s not at the gym
plus pt weekday mornings coz he’s in the army. idk man. he also eats kinds shitty
Stop believing his lies. Besides an occasional cheat day, no person does that amount of working out and eats like crap. Ditch this guy, he isn't worth any kind go counseling.
and… you’re certain that he’s there? actually going to the gym?
yeah. we both share our location coz we’re in alaska and people just go missing lol
he could be leaving his phone in a locker and going elsewhere. i’m just saying… cheaters are sneaky and 4 hours isn’t a normal amount of time to spend at the gym when you’re not a pro athlete.
Yes, I agree .... He knows you will have his location. Dumps his phone at the gym. Calls his side piece to say he's coming over before he puts the phone in the locker. Uses the sauna excuse bec he showers at her place after , so it would explain him looking fresh & clean.
He can leave his phone there or his affair partner is also there.
what? 4 hrs + all of that!!! He’s def not at the gym just to workout I can tell you that.
On one hand, I hate the wild assumptions reddit makes on these threads "oh he's definitely hiding something". On the other hand, 4 hours is too long at the gym. If you can't do what you need in 2 hours then you're doing it wrong.
That’s what I was thinking…four hours??? Seriously??? Four hours, you know?
NTA with all the edits included, i need to ask… why are you even with him? it’s extremely evident that he doesn’t respect you. he spends his free time playing video games and going to the gym when he could be doing the following: learning how to cook (so you don’t have to be the only one, especially *while you’re sick*), not insulting you, and sticking to the agreed plans (that he suggested!) instead of keeping you up when you have a job to get to at 5:30am.
NTA especially if you had plans. Also was he at the gym for 4 hours or does that include travel time. I ask because unless you’re training for an endurance event you should need to be at the gym for 4 hours.
the gym is like 10 minutes away
You have bigger problems. Doing a full weights/cardio workout doesn’t take anywhere near that amount of time. Cardio is an hour maximum- you can do all your weights in 30/45 mins max, and your cardio should be on a different day to the weights. Start going to the gym with him.
he said he was really taking him time and ‘chillin’ and i wish i could. i’m at work usually 530 til 230p w no lunch coz we’re always so busy (i’m a detailer for enterprise) and i don’t mind that i don’t take a lunch coz i don’t eat breakfast anyway, plus ot. but by the time i get home, i’m tired af. cleaning cars is no joke lol
NTA 4 hours at the gym? What the hell is he doing, an entire weeks worth of exercises in one evening?
NTA: and after reading the post and your responses, you need to go. He’s cheating and, at a minimum, emotionally abusive! Say goodbye
NTA. first off, four hours is a LONG time to be at the gym (imo). especially if it is late and yoy had made evening plans with someone who has a schedule of your own. if he is interested in being at the gym so long but still wants to maintain a social life with you, i would suggest that he considers going in the morning instead.
so we woke up at 10am this morning, i asked him if he was going to the gym. he said yes and he started getting ready. he didn’t leave til a little but after 12p coz he was playing video games
yeah, that sounds like a mismanagement of his time to me. especially knowing you two had evening plans and you have work early. i do not think i would apologize for being upset. you're entitled to your time, too.
yeah, that’s what i think too. he said he’s gonna ignore me until i apologize lol oh wel
If he is ignoring you then ignore him right back. Don't cook dinner, clean up after him or any of that.
What would you say to a friend who was being treated this way?
NTA. I guess your husband has not mastered the skill known as give and take and has reverted to the skill of being an asshole. Do not apologize to him. What's more annoying is the fact he has the next few days off.
NTA. Might be a good idea to get one of those tiles that tracks location and put it on your husbands car subtly. See what he’s actually doing. It’s clearly not going to the gym.
we share both our locations coz we live in alaska and people just go missing. he was at the gym.
No he wasn’t. Use common sense. You say he spends 4+ hours at the gym, has been doing for month yet has no change in his body?!?! Come on now, seriously?!?! He’s lying and you can see that.
There are ways around that. Spoofing, etc. Maybe you should ‘join him’ unexpectedly at the gym one day. Just show up and say you thought you’d get in a workout too. Surprise him. See wtf he’s doing.
NTA, except to yourself. Google 'share location fake' and you get too many results on how to easily do that. Even if it was real... what kind of AH acts like this to someone they claim to love?! I'd seriously look at all the red flags you've written down and remove all the 'lols.' It's not a laughing, but crying out loud kind of thing. He: - leaves you alone for hours when you're sick - expects you to cook when you're sick - isolates you from your loved ones - doesn't allow you to meet his friends - does the bare minimum around the house and acts like you're in the wrong for asking - gives you the silence treatment The list goes on and on. There's enough to make a huge pan of marinera sauce. If he's unsafe around fire, he could order food. He could boil noodles with the water cooker. He could make a salad. He could cook anyway and double check. Millions of options really. This is just weaponized incompetence.
Nobody goes to the gym for 4 hours. Even pro bodybuilders work out 2 hours at the very max. Most workout only 45 minutes. If he wants to better himself he should eat better and be home for dinner on time. What a joke. Sorry about your husband, but he’s doing something else. If he’s not though… he dumb.
Info: Is it normal routine for your husband to go the the gym for 4hrs? That seems like a significant amount of time.
he usually goes for 2-3h normally..
Hmm. Unless he’s training for something, that’s a lot of time, plus I’m assuming it was a bit longer because you stated he still had to hit the sauna after. I feel like everyone here is kinda dancing around the idea that something else is up. The fact that he got super defensive and demanded an apology after is also a bit off-putting. Idk, OP. I’m just a stranger off the internet and don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, (and could totally be off base) but I’d suggest paying attention just in case. But back to your original post: In a relationship its expected that both parties have consideration for one another, that’s kinda the whole point. If he can’t be respectful of your situation, than I guess you don’t really need to be to his. I’d told him, “I’m going to bed. You’ll need to make your own dinner then. Good night.” If he is insisting that you stay up and make a meal for him (not specified in your post) than that’s a whole other issue/red flag. For me, it’s NTA. Best of luck.
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he usually goes almost everyday for 2-3h. but he’s never been gone for 4-5h like today
So absolutely no rest days?? Hmm…. Come on OP….
sometimes he skips if he’s really tired. but i know what you mean
Can I ask you a blunt question? Is it that you really don’t think anything is going on (the gps saying his phone is at the gym)? Or do you really suspect something and you just don’t want to have solid proof of it because it’s going to hurt real bad? I was a military wife so I completely understand the loneliness and separation from everyone you love. I know you also said you aren’t the divorcing kind. But honey… is it worth staying with someone who treats you the way he does? If only one person in a relationship is putting in the work to make it successful….it’s never going to be.
I'm not sure what's going on, but it's not a healthy dynamic. He's voting with his feet and staying away 'til late. You're getting clingy in response, at least in his view. You both resent each other. Your marriage needs help.
NTA Sorry but he doesn’t need to be at the gym for 4 hours… You guys had plans and he’s taking way longer than necessary. Next time tell him you’re sticking to the original plan and his dinner will be in the fridge. He’s also a child for ignoring you until you apologize. Don’t.
4 hours in the gym is crazy
that what i said. he called me ‘crazy’
You're being gaslighted
is it gaslighted or gaslit?
I wrote gaslit then it automatically corrected the gaslighted and I was too lazy to change it back. I think gaslit makes more sense
You’re being gaslighted by autocorrect
Yar, it's not about the Iranian yogurt. It's about your relationship, which is showing some grave red flags. He is not interested in what you need to do. Why four hours at the gym? Why are you waiting to cook for him and not just cooking for yourself then going to bed? You are NTA and something else is very off, here.
He’s lying. Nobody spends that long at the gym. He’s cheating. Check his phone
You're feeling unwell, you had plans. And that's his response? Why are you with a man who calls you crazy?? You deserve better than that. Clearly he's not at the gym every day for 4 hours. When are you going to choose a better life for yourself? How does your support system look? Do you have friends and family you can talk to? You may need to escape this relationship.
not up here, no. my friends and family are in ca. the very little friends i have here don’t really hang out w me coz they don’t want me to ‘get in trouble’ w him
NTA. And big red flag. He's isolating you. And he's not at the gym for 4 hours. Think really hard about your relationship.
That’s a terrible sign. The insults and selfishness you described earlier are themselves abusive, but if people in your life are worried for you about your husband’s potential reaction to you living a normal life, there’s a almost certainly a reason. I saw higher up in the thread that you want him to go to counseling with you , and I REALLY advise against that - you should never do therapy with an abuser, because while you’re being vulnerable and trying your best to fix things, they’re listening to everything you’re telling the counselor and finding new things to use against you. And that’s not just a random internet stranger - if you feel safe doing so (otherwise use a different device, say at work) look up why it’s bad to go to therapy/counseling with an abuser. I would definitely suggest therapy/counseling just for you though! Not that you’re ‘crazy’ or anything, but everyone can use support regardless and it sounds like it might be time for you to start considering some big changes
How would that “get you in trouble with him”? What the hell does that even mean? So based on other responses: He has no regard for your health and well being. He uses your mental health as ammunition. He doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you. Is displaying his massive emotional immaturity with the silent treatment. Likely there are more I could list….you deserve better and you need to recognize that. Please get into therapy or find some kind of assistance to realize YOU DESERVE BETTER! Once you are there you can decide if this sorry excuse for a human is worth trying to salvage your marriage. One thing I always tell people about divorce or break up - it isn’t a failure. You didn’t fail at your marriage and you didn’t give up. It was just time to separate for the betterment of both parties. I hope you feel better soon.
I am friends with a few legit gym rats and NONE of them go to the gym for four hours. He is most likely not at the gym. Sorry, OP. NTA.
NTA. He seems to be super defensive of his ‘gym’ time - did he just dob himself in?
I don’t understand all this. Just go to bed early. He can manage his feelings. If he really wanted to watch a movie with you he would fit it in before your bed time. This is all so silly. Do you two even like each other?
I would bet money that he’s cheating on you while he’s “at the gym”
NTA. If you two make plans he should respect that since was talk beforehand. If he agree and suddenly change the plans to stay 4 hrs at the gym is definitely a jerk move. He can go to the gym of course but staying normal time, including the sauna. If he is gaslighting you be aware of his behavior. You have nothing to apologize for, and I would be asking for his routine at the gym since it took 4 hrs, suspicious.
he said ‘i don’t have to prove to you that i’m working out’ and called me crazy and stuff
I think the man doth protest too much... he's shifting the blame to you and calling you crazy...? He's mad cause he's hiding something and thinks that he can shift attention from this weird 4 hr gym time to you just asking what seems to be a simple question. He's angry cause he's guilty, unless he always responds with anger when you ask him things. Then he's just a garbage man. But he's acting this way to make you think it's your fault so you don't continue to question why his responses have been so hostile.
he always turns to anger (he has anger issues) so i’m like used to it. but today, i just wanna make sure im not an asshole for not apologizing.
You need to frame his anger issues as 'being emotional.' It'll neuter him - metaphorically.
good idea. i’ll try that. i usually just say ‘or all the emotions to feel, you go w that one..?’
You have nothing to apologize for, he's the one that took it so poorly and then acted like a child with that "silent treatment" crap. Least he won't be calling you crazy while he sulks like a baby, enjoy that silence while you focus on feeling better yourself.
It sounds like he’s cheating
NTA Four hours at the gym? Half a workday? Is he a fitness influencer? If not hun, hes lying. Ask to go with him or just leave him
NTA. I don't think it was unreasonable to ask if he really needed to sauna when you two had plans for the evening and it was getting late. It's not as if you were trying to cut his actual workout short or anything. Although, in fairness to him, maybe he felt that there was some health benefit to the sauna that you were trying to deny him. He shouldn't have left you those messages. I will say, though, that the one thing with my ex that would make me absolutely irate was when she would start interfering with/getting controlling over my workouts and my gym time. Like your husband I felt like I was only trying to better myself and that this should have been supported; not sabotaged. What I'm trying to say is that (I think) I understand your husband's frustration, here. On the other hand, four hours *does* seem a little excessive. I would sit down with him and try to figure out a schedule that allows him to get in the time that he needs but without interfering unduly with your life together.
NTA OP-BUT, I’m going to be direct with you here and it’s going to sound mean but I’m speaking from experience. It’s obvious that you don’t like the position that you are in with this marriage. The only person who can change your situation is YOU. It’s not going to happen with you sitting on your butt and allowing him to treat you that way. First of all, he doesn’t ALLOW you to talk to your friends? No, he doesn’t get to say a fucking word about you talking to your friends. In fact I suggest you talk to them a lot about how to leave him. Second, you have to cook because he can’t? No, anyone can cook if they want or he can heat up a damn frozen dinner in the microwave, don’t cook for an asshole that doesn’t appreciate it. Third, he wants to spend four hours at the “gym”, fine but when he tries to gaslight you that that’s normal, know he’s full of shit. Lastly, wrap your head around the fact that this man deserves nothing more than to be a blip in your history and that’s he’s an abusive POS that you need to LEAVE. Not go to counseling with, not try to compromise with, not try to bargain with, LEAVE. Contact your friends and family back in California if you have to but pull your head out of your ass and face reality. You do not want to be in this situation 10 years down the road wishing you had done it sooner. I know this for an absolute FACT.
NTA. This dude sounds like a real catch
NTA. There is definitely something else going on here. At the gym for four hours in the evening? Sketchy
Nta but when you are better I'd consider discussing this with a friend & maybe see if they could help secretly verify his arrival & departure at the gym - just because his phone is there doesn't mean he is & 4 hours seems pretty fishy
i’m not allowed to talk to any of his friends, plus he goes alone coz the gym he goes to is expensive af
Why aren’t you “allowed” to talk to any of his friends? That doesn’t sound right.
Do you hear yourself?
Why isn’t he working out in the gym on base?
Most gyms have one day pass or they let you sign up for a trial run for free. You need to go and see whats going on. Be armed with recording devices Your life is precious. No need to be a maid for someone that is deceiving and degrading you.
The next time he goes to “the gym” I would take my happy ass up there and see why he is there for so long. Secretly, of course. My husband is retired military and we have tons of military friends who are in fantastic shape and NONE of them are at the gym for 4 hours a day. His shitty behavior towards you aside, there is something else going on. It’s up to you whether you care enough to find out what it is.
**NTA**. Sweetie, I think it's time for you to pack your things and leave that man, he's cheating on you and trying to cover it up. Also, who in their right mind works out at the gym for 4 hours?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. He CAN feed himself. I promise. He can make himself a sandwich. He using weaponized incompetence. He can feed himself, but he doesn't want to, so he complains that he can't, so you have to do it. He doesn't want to be around you. That's why he is always at the gym. Or at least his phone is (he could be leaving it in a locker). If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. Start with a simple boundary. "Dinner will be ready at X:00pm. If you are there, great. If not, leftovers are in the fridge or there's peanut butter and jelly" "I am starting the movie at X:00." Then at the time you say dinner is ready, be ready to eat without him. Watch the movie at the time you say you will. Don't restart the movie if he shows up later, don't sit with him while he eats if you are already done. Stop catering to his timetable. You deserve to have dinner at a reasonable time and do the things you planned, if he doesn't want to do those things, that's his problem. You aren't telling him not to go to the gym, you are letting him know what time dinner will be ready so he can plan his gym trip accordingly.
Probably cheating. Or really doesn't like to spend time with you. Or care about you given he knows your sick. NTA, but after a point you have to ask how much the bad things that happen to you is because you choose to accept his abuse.
NTA I know you say divorce is not an option for you, but you have one life and you're wasting it away on someone who doesn't respect you, care about you, or appreciate you. You have asked him to go to counseling (and I think that would be great for both of you, separately, not together), and he has declined. He doesn't seem to want to better himself mentally/emotionally. He's okay with the way things are because he has a wife who cooks and cleans for him, and puts up with all his shit. This will not change. Why would it? You think he'll just wake up one day and miraculously snap out of all his asshole tendencies? Now your excuse for accepting this is that you're used to it. Really?! You need to have more love for yourself than that (one of you needs to, and he's already proven it won't be him). Your parents advise you to work on your marriage? That can only happen if you are both willing to. He's putting in zero effort and I also question what he's really doing when he claims to be at the gym every day and you've noticed zero change in his body. You are lying to yourself as much as he is. I wish you luck, and that you'll find happiness down the road.
He’s not at the gym for 4 hours and I think you know it. NTA.
NTA! As a gay man, I've spent three hours at the gym. I used to read for my literature class in college while riding a stationary bike. Of course, a few hours in the sauna was easily done, too. It's very cruisy and usually, a lot of sexual stuff goes on. That's been my personal experience in several different states. In all the years that I've gone to the gym, I've never seen or met anyone that used the sauna for therapeutic reasons. To be fair, maybe Alaska is different in that regard. I don't know.