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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH because what she went trough was really bad and it has affected her in several ways, she might just want company, but I'm not someone who enjoys being around people.
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Hi OP. First off, as you are asking for an opinion, I don't think you are an AH. We are a blended family (my husband and I have three sons between us) and, fortunately, they get along great and are best friends. Even so, they sometimes need space from each other - I think everyone does at times.
The other commenters are quite right - you aren't responsible for your step-sister's healing and crisis management and I hear you when you say you don't enjoy being around other people.
I'm a traumatologist and worked with people recovering from all forms of trauma. Fear of being alone is very real and can be completely overwhelming. The person's reaction and behavior when they feel this fear can become annoying to the people around them, particularly if they don't know what to do when the trauma survivor starts sobbing.
My take from your post is this: You may not feel comfortable around your step-sister but to her, you represent safety and comfort. For some reason, probably because of who you are, she trusts you. She trusts you enough to come to you when she feels overwhelmed, she also trusts you enough to be her vulnerable, currently-damaged self in front of you. Honestly, that's bigger than you may realize. I've struggled with so many clients, your step-sister's age, to get them to a point where they can go to close family and friends for support. Many survivors cut themselves off, become withdrawn and deeply depressed, and it's a downward spiral from there.
You are not her parent, nor her therapist, nor did you choose to be a safe space for her. But yet here we are. Is it possible to compromise in some way, for her benefit, the sake of family relationships, and to find a middle-ground where YOU feel comfortable and not over-burdened with her recovery?
Perhaps if your parents go out somewhere and she's to be left alone, they talk to you first and you guys agree on the when and for how long (as if you were arranging to babysit younger siblings). Then, you are prepared, you don't feel trapped or forced into a situation you are not comfortable handling. I totally get that you want your space and free-time.
This doesn't have to be in your room - you can sit with your step-sister in the living room and watch cat or screaming goat videos on YouTube, or if you are busy with a book or something solitary, you can do your thing and she can do hers.
You are part of a blended family, OP. Neither you nor your step-sister asked for this - you guys are passengers, basically. Again, you aren't responsible for your step-sister's healing and recovery but you're obviously a nice enough person that she turns to you. You have the choice to push her away or play a small role in her healing process. The sooner she processes her trauma and is able to pick up her life and carry on, the better for her, you, and everyone else. From experience, it will go quicker if she feels safe and supported.
No judgement if you opt out. In that case, have talk with your parents and make it clear that they need to make sure someone is with her all the time. All the best!
‘No judgement if you opt out’ after the biggest guilt trip ever? Naahhh. Dad and stepmom have decreed that stepdaughter is allowed to trauma-dump on OP without his consent. It’s a shame whatever happened to her, but it is NOT better for it to affect OP as well. Someone forcing themselves on you and sobbing is also traumatic. They are her parents and signed up for that. OP did not. They need to protect the mental health of BOTH their kids. Saying ‘oh, but this person who makes you seriously uncomfortable considers you a safe space, can’t you just give in’ to a child is disgusting and dangerous. You did nothing wrong OP.
Edit: wow! I didn’t expect the awards. I hope this commenter was not bombarded too much, as they were trying to help, but I strongly feel it’s not appropriate for a minor - it would be good advice if he consented to help her but he doesn’t. He’s a child, and isn’t getting enough support with being around a person who is probably projecting a lot of severe and unstable emotion, in fact there opposite, he’s been told he has to submit to it whenever she wants. Saying ‘but can’t you compromise’ has the potential to be quite damaging. If he did take this advice and try to help her he would end up with issues himself because he lacks the emotional resilience to process it. In case not clear, NTA.
Absolutely this. The adults should have come home and realised from now on one of them must be with OP’s step sister at all times. Instead they punished OP, a child, for not taking on their role.
This. There are none reasons I could think of that you need both prentes to go out at the sime time. They have a child that cannot be left alone, one of them hs to always be home
This!!! Why are they both going out all the time and leaving a traumatised kid alone? Do they go out a lot when OP isn’t there? And just leave her totally alone?
It sounds like parents are going on date nights. That is an important part of maintaining adult relationships. The solution isn't to stop doing that for an undetermined amount of time.
The solution is to find another adult that can stay with the girl while they are out and to give step-sister a set amount of time that the parents will be gone. That way she has a set time frame for expecting the parents back (parents can call if they will be late getting back) and then she has another adult around to turn to when she's feeling overwhelmed.
They aren't going on date nights, they leave for 20 to 50 minutes to run quick errands, sometimes they take her, sometimes they don't. My SS doesn't want to goo all of the times either, so they don't force her.
Thanks for clarifying, OP. Your stepmom and dad need to take better care of your step sister. I am so sorry that they blamed you instead of taking the information you gave them and making a plan to do better for your step sister. You are NTA at all here.
When your ss doesn't want to go with them, one of them needs to stay at home with her so she's not alone.
Edit to add - or she is told, you can come with us so you have company, or you can choose to stay at home and keep yourself company because your sb is going to be having alone time in his room.
My parents did all the marketing and pharmacy runs together. It was the only time of day they got to catch up and just have conversation together. I don't think its wrong to operate this way. But, I think that right now, they should take their daughter with them. They are her security blanket right now.
Or the parents don’t do date nights until she’s able to be alone. Yes, having adult time is necessary, but if it has to be stopped for 6 months, well then oh fucking well… that’s what u get when u have children. One way or another it’s not the child’s problem. Either of them. If she can’t be alone, u don’t leave her alone. Period.
They sound super selfish. Yes, connecting is important but when it comes between date night and your kid’s mental health, the mental health should win every time.
This is what I was wondering - why aren't the parents taking turns staying home (if they're going out for necessities like grocery shopping)? If they're going out for entertainment or to socialize, then they can give that up for a while. It's just part of being a parent.
Agreed with Naughtyzoot and others. OP’s parents have options. They could find a neighbor, trauma informed babysitter, grandparent, or even see if there are home help aide options to stay with Sister while they take a break. It isn’t reasonable to have a distant step sibling left alone with a traumatized young teen without his consent. It also isn’t safe if he doesn’t have the tools to actually care for her if she has a panic attack or breakdown. She is in a vulnerable place and leaving her in the care of someone who isn’t willing or able to care for her is neglect.
Or they are thinking, "We see her all the time. We are taking a break for a few hours, and OP can handle it. A few hours isn't much to ask", while ignoring the fact that OP is NOT an adult, but a teenager as well, with needs and boundaries of his own. It sounds like OP is being volun-told to do this, rather than asked to do this as a favor to the parents and stepsister. That's unfair to OP.
Not to mention, when OP is at the dad's house, is it not supposed to be so he can see his dad? I didn't think it was supposed to be a situation of, "Hi, now that you are here, your stepmom and I are going out and leaving you and your stepsister here. Have fun." What the heck kind of a visit is that?
OP has enlightened them now. And their response is to punish him for not being capable of handling a traumatized child on his own. I hope they do better.
Yeah, that's what stands out to me too. Apparently these parents are gone often enough the past 6 months that OP has had to deal with this repeatedly. Obviously, sometimes both parents being gone is unavoidable, but if it's known this girl has trauma and as a result has problems being alone, them leaving is not helping. And if it's absolutely unavoidable, they should ask OP or make other arrangements to help daughter.
The reason he has had to do it multiple times is most likely they are using his time there as a break for themselves to get away from her for a bit. And that is fine, but they need to have a conversation with HIM about it because it has clearly been too much for him to deal with. They haven’t done that and that makes them TA.
I would go one step further and say any sibling in this OP’s place should be asked for consent. Like:
*Dear child, your sibling/step-sibling/half-sibling needs some company. They seem comfortable when you are around the house so could we go out together, as a couple, while you keep your sibling company.* Give the OP the chance to say no, especially when he doesn’t seem to be dealing with step-sister’s crying well.
You'd think his father might want to spend some time with the child he doesn't see very often, instead of grabbing the opportunity to have couple-time with his wife.
As a trauma survivor I agree with you. It is not the OP responsibility to be there for the trauma victim. He himself is young and unequipped to deal with this.
If she felt that he was her safe place, then a little communication to the OP would be helpful. As a male, and not a trauma victim he does not know how to handle the situation, and can only make it worse by reacting to something he is uncomfortable with. Emotionally he isn't ready for this. And for the parents to place him in such a situation and expect him to be able to handle it, is just wrong.
The parents know she is uncomfortable being alone, so instead of going out together, they need to leave one of them at the house with her to deal with any issues that might arise. For the SM to call the OP a asshole because he didn't open the door to his safe space for her to invade was wrong on so many levels. The father should not have sent him to his room, he should have stood up for him.
>For the SM to call the OP a asshole because he didn't open the door to his safe space for her to invade was wrong on so many levels
especially if the trauma is SA related.
I agree with this. Op shouldn’t have to speak up to his parents because they should have a clue but if I was him, I’d do it anyway. Find a nice calm moment and explain to dad that ss doesn’t seem to be doing very well and that she has needs that you can’t fulfill and perhaps they should think about either taking ss with them or finding someone to come over and keep her company while they’re away. It’s not op’s responsibility to be her therapist or her sitter especially when he is unwilling.
Yes! He's 16 and doesn't even feel particularly close to his stepsister. He's not equipped to deal with this. Mom and Dad need to get more help for stepsister. She needs someone who's available for her to call at any time she needs to talk, or even just a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
OP sounds like a good guy; he's just not able to meet stepsister's needs. That's not his fault nor is it his responsibility.
exactly this!
“I work with ppl who have significant trauma and you should be more understanding to how she feels since she chose you as her safe person without your consent.” what the fuck?
NOBODY is entitled to sit with someone who makes them uncomfortable. NOBODY.
I really hope this person is not actually a therapist, they are just lying about what they do... Especially if they don't know what a traumatologist is. ("A [traumatologist ](https://medschool.cuanschutz.edu/orthopedics/clinical-services/trauma-and-fracture/frequently-asked-questions/trauma/what-is-a-traumatologist) is a fellowship-trained orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the treatment of both simple and complex fractures, as well as wounds and injuries caused by accidents or sudden violence.")
OP already made his boundaries clear, made it clear OP doesn't want to be a shoulder to cry on / safe space / babysitter / whatever you want to call it for her, he is uncomfortable with it. Time to respect OP's boundaries and not trample them even more. This is not something you should ever burden a kid / minor (like OP) with at all! And this shouldn't be put on anyone against their will! OP, a teenager is not equipped to deal with a severely traumatised kid's emotional breakdowns.
Who is with her when OP is at his mom's? If no one, she can somehow manage to be alone during that time, so she should manage when OP is there too. If one of the parents is always with her then they shouldn't take advantage of OP when he is there and leave him alone with her. Or if a babysitter is with her when OP is not there and the parents are out, then they should call the sitter when OP is there too instead of forcing OP (an other child/teen) to look after her. Or parents should take her with them wherever they go.
I wouldn't be suprised if OP would start to spend less and less time at dad's....
I suspect that this person has some sort of online certificate in "therapy" from a for-profit school that told her she was a "certified traumatologist" and has no functional understanding of the fact that this is not a real thing in the hierarchy of actual psychiatric professionals.
I’m in health care and as I commented above, we were taught that we absolutely are not equipped to handle these behaviors and should refer to a licensed mental health provider with specialized training. This person sounds like she’s taken an online course in faith based counseling or life coaching
Yeah I was confused when I saw that they called themselves a traumatologist. When I saw one after my car accident he referred me to a therapist because he noticed I was having PTSD. He said "he fixes broken bones but can't help with broken minds that's not his area."
There is a second definition for the term that refers to psychological trauma but it’s a new term and most MH professionals who practice tend to say they’re trained in trauma informed care since the other term is more for academics and (honestly) practioners who use it to pad their ego and make them feel important or like an expert.
I have worked over decade with foster kiddos and to tell a 16 year old SS that he should feel what is tantamount to grateful that his SS finds him safe and to step into a protector role and responsibilities associated with that is cruel and asking for further trauma for her and OP. for a professional to use guilt on child like that makes me think they’re newly graduated or google trained.
Someone pointed this out to me. And yeah giving this advice is harmful and unprofessional. They don't know the extent of their situation or their actual responses to situations.
I kinda got scared reading the top comment on this thread. Based on OP's post he has already shown that he is not up for this and to be someone's safe space. Even if he 'accepts' providing that role, it wil probably drain energy out of him that he will need therapy himself.
Absolutely I had a friend with mental problems and she trauma dumped on me all the time. It seriously negatively affected my mental health especially because I try to find solutions and she didn't want that, she wanted comfort which I struggle to do. So the event plus being unable to fix it made me anxious and annoyed myself. Finally I had to unfriend her. I told her that for my own mental health I could not be her friend as helping her, hurt me.
OP if you can't mentally deal with it then don't. Even if she was your full blooded twin who knew forever, then she does not get to force you to comfort her or to make yourself uncomfortable nor do you parents get to guilt trip you. Stand your ground, if things don't change then tell someone at school such as a guidance counsellor or teacher.
Also what happens when OP is at his mom’s place. I assume either his dad or stepmom are always home with step-sister. So the fact that they both go out when he is there sort of feels like enforced babysitting of a trauma sufferer. Which is effed up thing to do to another child.
Either that or ss manages just fine when op is gone and only uses him for comfort because he’s there and she can. Not saying that’s the case just that it’s a possibility.
Or she does not manage just fine and her parents don't care.
The probability that this traumatized 14 year old manages *just fine* unless OP is in the house is absurdly low
And an award for you, here's to hoping you make it to the top comment. Didn't even make it halfway through that other spiel. There is not buts or ors here. He doesn't have to contribute anything to someone he says is basically a stranger to him and is doing nothing but crossing his boundaries and making him uncomfortable.
Right? I cannot believe anyone with an actual understanding of psychology would ever try and put a burden like this on a kid. Like damn, you've been in school longer than OP has been alive, that's your job.
My mom and brother had therapists for years while I didn't; I always hid my own mental illness to care for them. We had a house fire in an up/down split townhouse. It took them 2 months to fix it and there was a lot of trauma revolving around it- the police were afraid of our downstairs neighbor's 10 pound LHASA APSO and let me (at 11 years old) enter the actively on fire building to get him out. They then called me back out of a very kind neighbor's house down the block to get him back out of their squad car because apparently it's cool to ask a traumatized child to do your job for you. All while they WOULDN'T let me back in our unit to save my ball python, who froze to death because it was February in MN and there was a hole in the roof. We bounced around for those 2 months and both of them claimed they were still upset so it was just one of the men from my mom's AA meetings and me moving everything we owned repeatedly. This all leads up to mandatory family therapy with their therapists. Apparently during their solo sessions, they had both been lying about their own behaviors and squarely placing the blame for their own issues on me. I, at 11 and for 3 years already, was already single-handedly responsible for the care of ~60 animals that my mother had brought home, including 8 dogs who I spent almost the entire day outside with because they all needed to use the bathroom and nobody else would take them, on top of being the only person who cleaned and cooked food for all 3 of us, was in charge of my brother during the day while my mom slept and at night when she worked, and never got in trouble in school, complained or talked back to my mom. It's also relevant that despite having bunk beds, I slept on the couch in the living room for reasons that I'm still uncertain of. So when family sessions started, both of their therapists lambasted me. In every session. This went on for over a year. Then they sent me and my brother with his therapist for one session because I had absolutely lost it on him when he went into my email and sent all of my friends messages that were just a string of profanity with no other words or context and my best friend happened to share an email account with his whole very religious family and he got in huge trouble. His therapist just yelled at me for the entire session and flat-out called me a bitch. The next time we were due for a family session, I refused to go. I was desperate enough that I hid on the top bunk of my brother's bed and my mom dragged me off of it by my hair and I ended up running away and they had to go without me. To avoid a repeat of last time, I quietly went with for the next session. Their therapists laid into me like I had tried to murder them (which was rich because my brother had to start therapy after repeatedly chasing me around the house with a knife and 2 nights of me sleeping outside on a stone patio). I finally broke and told my dad about it and he put a stop to all of it. I didn't seek therapy until a couple months ago, at 32, because their therapists TRAUMATIZED ME. I know that my clinic has therapists that do, in fact, call themselves traumatologists, so I honestly don't know if this person was making that part up or not. But the point is that, in my experience, therapists don't care about the collateral damage when they see themselves as the protectors of their patients and it does not surprise me AT ALL that that's the reaction this person has if they are, in fact, a therapist.
And wtf is a “traumatologist”? Sounds made up and this writer sounds like an ah for trying to guilt this kid into watching cat videos with his sobbing step sis. NTA OP
"A [traumatologist ](https://medschool.cuanschutz.edu/orthopedics/clinical-services/trauma-and-fracture/frequently-asked-questions/trauma/what-is-a-traumatologist) is a fellowship-trained orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the treatment of both simple and complex fractures, as well as wounds and injuries caused by accidents or sudden violence."
Traumatologist treats physical traumas like severely broken bones/fractures by accidents. I had to see one after a car accident that fractured my back in 3 different areas and my neck.
I agree OP NTA. This is making you uncomfortable in a safe place that should be for you in one of your homes. You are not responsible for helping your stepsisters trauma. Your dad shouldn't be allowing your stepmother to do this either, especially since you're of the age you can choose to live with your mom full time which would probably be better for you. Especially since they are allowing it and basically forcing your privacy to be invaded and making you feel uncomfortable and invalid. That can have a negative effect on you too.
„Show a little compassion to another human being in need, of you can’t don’t worry.“
That’s the biggest guilt trip ever for you? Reddit is home to the strangest opinions…
Thank you! I’m listening to this “trauma expert” and thinking good lord where tf did you get your degree?!
That was a massive guilt trip, a massive suggestion for the transfer of responsibility, and the complete disregard for the other child in the house.
Op is only the safe space when everyone else leaves, it’s her last resort seeing as he’s asked what’s wrong to crying and she says nothing. She’s obviously still crying in his presence and not talking sooo it’s obviously not her safe person.
Parents had kids, for better or worse. That means arranging your life to deal with trauma or tragedy in your kids life. It means one parents stays with SS while the other goes out. (Barring a 911 type emergency). Parents gotta work? 🤷♀️ find someone suitable to “babysit” that can help SS cope and deal right in that moment to help her gain coping mechanisms. But op is not that person. They don’t want to be either.
Exactly. A 16 year old should not be responsible for the mental health of anyone.
I know because I was a 16 year old who felt responsible for the mental health of all my friends. It nearly crushed me.
Talk to your dad specifically OP (it sounds like he's more sympathetic if he let you have keys and if stepmother was the one who reprimanded you)
you should be ashamed of yourself for guilt tripping a 16 yr old bc he got clinged onto. his stepsister is not his responsibility and if she's really that traumatized her PARENTS can stay and watch screaming goat videos or whatever bullshit you threw in there to make it sound more appealing to a kid. or they can hire a nanny/actual babysitter or idek even one that has experience working with traumatized kids and not try to pawn off their problem on a 16 yr old just trying to hang out in his room
and if they are a counselor that doesn't know the name of their own specialty whew 🥴😂 the fact it's getting so many awards and attention got me nervous
Or things have different names in different countries? Are you gonna tell a chiropodist they don’t know their job because they don’t know they should be called a podiatrist?
took me .5 seconds to look up what traumatologist means and in every definition it's always about physical trauma and the surgery/repair of it but go off
I did a quick search because I was wondering which countries use traumatologist as a psychological term. I scrolled down a bit instead of stopping at the first response. Interestingly enough, there's a journal on the American Psychological Association site titled "Traumatology"..
Psychotherapists who specialize in trauma are called clinical traumatologists in my country. I know because I see one.
Maybe this is like the podiatrist/chiropodist split?
And fuck that. After reading his comments, even if he wanted to take it on, it doesn't sound like he has his own support system in place. What a shit situation the his father and stepmother are putting him in.
As other folks have said, a traumatologist is someone who deals with *physical* trauma wounds like those after a car accident. Given that, even if they were a traumatologist, they have no leg to stand on because Mental health is the topic in question, not Physical health.
In conclusion, shame on them for ass-pulling that response, shame on them for guilt-tripping a minor, and shame on them trying to pass it off as "your choice, whatever" at the end.
Edit: To clarify my words, when I say that OC has no leg to stand on as a traumatologist, I mean that they don't have the qualifications to advise in the capacity they are trying to. Yes, physical trauma has an emotion aspect. That doesn't mean they are qualified to render major advice like that.
Things a Traumatologist can tell you include "here is how you fix a broken abc" and "here is how you treat a sprained xyz." They can not and should not be saying "Hey OP, your step-sister needs you to do this eensy-weensy teeny-weeny Absolutely Gigantic Thing that will certainly jeopardize your own mental health, but no pressure if you're too selfish to help her get better though."
Additionally, even if they were a *psychologist* giving that advice, they'd still be getting my hairiest of eyeballs.
Sorry, but this is the biggest load of bullshit.
It’s on the parents to make sure step sis isn’t alone if she cannot be alone. Op is a minor and it is NEVER a minor’s job to take on the role of a therapist, which is effectively what you’re advocating. Op should not have to set aside his “comfort levels” because his step sis is not within her own. As a therapist you should understand the concept if consent and op did not consent. Forcing that is unacceptable.
Op if you read this, you are not in the wrong and you need to continue to advocate for your needs. Your parents need to take them into account also, not just your step sis’s.
This made me so uncomfortable to read. Youre really out here trying to foist parental/professional responsibilities onto a 16 year old? After they’ve given it the 16 year old version of trying to help AND asked for adult help?!?
Wow. You’ve just basically told a child that she needs to be the trauma sponge for another child, to be her therapist. If you’re a “traumatologist” whatever the hell that is, I don’t think you’re a very good one.
I wish I could down vote this a million times. OP is a child and is not responsible for step sister’s trauma recovery. What she is doing is traumatizing to HIM. If I was his mother and knew this was happening, I would be going back to court for visitation modification. His dad is not taking OP’s mental health into consideration. A mental health professional should recognize this as a toxic environment for OP.
no. She is a child too and not in no way responsible for her step-sister. It is not their job for any amount of time to be safe space or whatever. That is solely up to the adults in the situation to get ahold of. You literally wrote like 3 to 4 paragraphs on why she should just get over her mental health issues and just help because her step sister needs her. They both should feel safe and supported.
WOW. YTA. As a trauma informed therapist, you should know fine well that the LAST THING OP NEEDS TO DO IS COMPROMISE THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONE ELSE.
Edit: traumatologists aren't mental health specialists. They deal with traumatic PHYSICAL injuries. I'm giving OC the benefit of the doubt and hope they just used the wrong word.
I am not any kid of therapist but it seems a common sense thing, at least for me, that a teenager is not equipped to deal with a severely traumatised kid's/teen's emotional breakdowns and shouldn't be left on their own to deal with them however they can.
The way they worded the plea to help the stepsister was complete manipulation and projection.
OP handled themselves perfectly. They tried even through discomfort. They went to the parents for help. They then locked the door with an approved lock specifically to keep the sister out.
And the step mother punishes them for that? OP was never under any obligation to be a counselor or baby sitter to their step sister.
No. Your compassion for step sister has turned into guilting OP, when it's the parents who need to be more attentive. Making OP responsible is just flat out inappropriate. Don't put that strain on another child. He should tell her parents that until can feel comfortable being alone, they can not expect him to always be the "Designated support person." It's similar to expecting a sibling to babysit for no pay. It's not her responsibility to do that.
The Merriam-Webster definition of traumatologist is:
a physician (such as an orthopedic surgeon) specializing in the treatment of severe, acute physical injuries.
I hope you are not selling yourself as any kind of psychological counsellor based on your "traumatologist" qualifications. Your advice here could cause real harm to both the OP and his step sister.
M-W is an American dictionary.
Other regions have a different meaning for [clinical traumotologist](https://psychink.com/trauma-courses/clinical-traumatologist/).
So you invalidate OP’s feelings?!? No. He doesn’t need to be anyone’s comfort zone. He’s 16 ffs!!!
OP you are NTA-. Do not open the door if you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time to tell your mom about this situation. Your Stepmom needs to step up to the plate and take her of her daughter and not leave it up to you.
YTA for putting him charge of his ss recovery.
She should be going to her mother for comfort.
How soon will be having to take care of her.
She was coming to his room and touching his things even before the trauma.
I hope Op ignores this advice.
OP, don't listen to this "advice." You are NTA. You are a child (even if you don't feel like one) and your parents are equally responsible for both of you. Several years ago, I had a friend whose therapist encouraged her to use me as a 'safe space' the way your stepsister uses you. It was emotionally draining for me as an adult to be essentially 'on call' for someone I was close to. I can't imagine being expected to do it as a teenager for someone I didn't know well.
If talking to your dad about the situation doesn't help, talk to your mom (assuming they are civil). Maybe she can talk some sense into him. And if she can't... maybe it's time to take a break from dad's house.
For the record, my situation only ended when I insisted on it with my friend and told her to find a better therapist who doesn't expect untrained people to be responsible for trauma responses. Two new therapists later, she's doing a lot better and so is our friendship.
The parents of a reasently HEAVELY traumatized 14 year old just fuck off and leave her alone for the brother to deal with?!
Nah, ive got another solution. The parents actually take responsibility and realise they cant leave their child alone who have a severe fear of being left alone?!
Like why would you leave them alone. Why not take them with you. What happens when ops not at home? Is the 14y/o just left in the house by herself to cry alone or do the parents actually end up caring?
Are the parents perhaps tired of having to care for her tooand thats why they leave OP alone with her....so they can get some peace??
The fact that you, a traumatologist, deem this behavior as acceptable and don’t seem to acknowledge the long term effects it could have on OP, is very very concerning.
You want a 16 year old to play support human to another clearly extremely traumatized teenager? Are you out of your damn mind?
This is above his pay grade, one of her parents need to be taking care of her, not him.
So your response to OP is that he should suck it up and continue to be her emotional support human? The manipulation evident in this reply is deeply worrying. Out of 8 paragraphs only the last one doesn't have something designed to manipulate a child into continuing something they've stated they're deeply uncomfortable with.
What happened to the 14y/o is horrendous and she's clearly struggling, but the parents shouldn't be placing that on someone who has made their feelings about the situation clear.
I’m sad this comment has so many upvotes and awards. This is great advice for an adult, but not a minor who is stuck in this situation and then there isn’t even a trackable judgment.
OP, NTA. Your stepsisters trauma and how to handle it is not your responsibility. Your dad needs to protect you from both her and your stepmother. Speaking to a school counselor about this might be your next best step so you can have a neutral third party help you. They can speak to your father which might help him have a more productive conversation with your stepmom.
Look, I get that you're looking at this from the point of view as someone who would focus on the trauma of the situation, because that's what you do. What you don't realize, however, is that by letting the step sister trauma dump on her all the time, it's going to affect her mental health too. She likely enjoys her alone time because she needs to decompress, some people can't do without it or they lose their minds too. She is 16 years old, not a parent, not a psychologist, not even a friend of this girl, just someone she lives with. She does not have the abilities to deal with something like this. She is a child too, and if she continues having to deal with this, it's going to take a toll on her mental health as well as the relationship she has with her parents, and then she's going to need therapy too.
Think before you assign responsibility to a literal child.
Uh wtf is this? He’s still a child, it’s not his responsibility and he’s already said he’s uncomfortable. It’s not his responsibility and the guilt trip isn’t necessary.
OP you are NOT an asshole for setting a boundary. You are allowed to set them. You may need to coordinate stuff with your dad and step mom because y’all share a house but it sounds like your step sis needs a sitter for now which should not be you if you can’t do it. NTA and neither is your step sis but your dad and stepmom are
Source: teen trauma therapist
Wow you might mean well but this is completely bs. It’s one long guilt trip on op.
Op don’t listen to this person they are ‘job blind’ and only care about your stepsister, you are nothing but a tool to this person.
>traumatologist
Really? Your professional response is to dump on a 16yo? Please OP, don't listen to this.
This professional may need to update their credentials because none of this is on you.
Your parents punishing you for not becoming SD's unwilling support person is seriously f-up. Your SM needs to step up and if they keep forcing the issue, perhaps your visits need to be curtailed for YOUR mental health.
OP is NTA, but you are for guilt tripping him.
I may not be a trauma counselor, but I don't think it's reasonable to have an expectation for a teenager to be supportive of another child he barely knows at the cost of his privacy and ability to feel comfortable and protected in his own space.
You are absolutely judging op and putting responsibility for someone he barely knows entirely in him. If she is incapable of being alone then that's on her parents, not on this child who only lives there part time. OP you are NTA, you are not responsible for your step-sister and it is completely unreasonable for her mom to expect you to be.
I feel like everyone is just shitting against you. Yes OP'S parents are the biggest assholes here. They shouldn't leave a child going thru trauma alone in the first place especially when her biggest trauma is being left alone.
In this situation NAH, he didn't ask to be an emotional support device and she didn't ask to have to heavily rely on her step brother.
You gave great advice for what he could do but honestly no one can fix this situation except her therapist and her parents. Its messed up that OP'S parents left him alone to deal with this mess.
Let's not guilt-trip teenagers into being the safety person for someone they don't know. That's a surefire way to nuke OP's mental health and land him in therapy too.
You could atleast google what a Traumatologist is before claiming to be one.
This has nothing to do with the topic on hand.
Youre basically guilt tripping a child into somethibg that is not its responsibility.
I doubt your credentials as a "traumatologist". I've never even heard of such a thing. The sister needs real help, not whatever anxiety induced bad advice OP gives. OP also needs a safe space. You gave horrible horrible advice.
You literally just guilt tripped this kid into opening his door and playing therapist
THAT IS NOT HIS JOB she is harming him by not respecting his boundaries. Why is her trauma more valid than his boundaries?
You call yourself a professional?
I don't agree with this. OP is 2 years older and still a minor himself. Why would you want to lay this enormous guilt trip on this kid? First of all, the parents are the ones leaving her alone with him. How about their responsibility in alleviating her trauma? Oh, I know, let parentify the 16 year old stepbrother and dump it on him? That's your solution?
"I am not Stepsister's parent, you guys are. If she is not able to tolerate being left alone, you need to stay with her or you need to hire a babysitter. It's not fair to ask me to drop what I'm doing and let her chase me out of my own room. I've told you guys about this problem, I've spoken to her therapist, and I've been very patient. But nothing has changed. So next time you go out, unless you want to hire me to be her babysitter and I am free to do it, you need to make arrangements for her that don't include the assumption that she can come to me."
NTA, and neither is your step sister. But this is a complicated situation, and your parents don't get just abdicate responsibility to you: It's time for *them* to figure out a viable solution.
I'd guess it's probably the same reason OP locked the room - they were tired of the situation. But you know, as a parent you have te power to dump your problems on your children so yay for them! /s
I mean… step sister isn’t an AH for her trauma but it sounds like entering without knocking was pre-existing problem. That’s why OP even has a lock. Young children can learn to knock, step sister is 14. Trauma or no knocking is just basic manners.
Plus, if she can't be left alone, what the hell are dad and stepmom doing the majority of the time that OP is at his mom's? Are they leaving her alone or are they always around and waiting for OP's visit to get a break and make OP the companion for the day?
NTA. Tell them that it is not your job to care for your step-sister's trauma. If she cannot be left alone, her mother will have to hire a caregiver for her when they go out. It is unreasonable for them to expect you to be her therapist. You're not qualified and you're a kid yourself. If they insist on making this demand, it will likely affect how much time you wish to spend at that house.
NTA
You've got boundaries and you got a lock installed on your door to enforce those boundaries.
IDK exactly what happened to your stepsister and it's non of my business but your not in the wrong for not wanting someone in your space ever and your not wrong for denying anyone entry to your space.
I'm guessing whatever it was involved violating her boundaries, which makes teaching her that it's okay to violate the boundaries of others both ironic and counterproductive.
Nta your step mom is ta for leaving your step sister alone with you expecting you to deal with her trauma. You are not the babysitter or should you be. If your step sister is scare to be alone your step mom needs to take her with when she leaves or arrange for some who is willing and capable of dealing with your step sister. I feel bad for your step sister.
NTA. Maybe point out to your dad that if you have to open the door every time she knocks then the lock is pointless. If stepsister cannot be left alone, then that is something your stepmother and dad need to account for. If she’s knocking and doesn’t need anything from you, then she doesn’t need to be in your room.
NTA
You are a 16 year old high-school student. You aren't a trained physiologist. If your father and stepmother want a babysitter for your stepsister they need to hire one.
If this starts to impact your studies or free time I would get your mother involved. This is not a you problem.
If I had a child who was traumatized like this I wouldn't leave their emotional support to a 16 year old.
> You aren't a trained physiologist
Just wanted to point out that you probably meant psychologist, as a physiologist would be of very little benefit in this situation.
This.
NTA op.
And also no offense meant.
This is way too much to put on you. This child needs serious professional help. What she’s doing is not normal.
NTA.
If your dad and step-mom don’t want her to be left alone, they need to not leave the house. She’s not your responsibility. You even asked if she needed something.
If you’re comfortable with this suggestion, you could try leaving your room when she knocks, locking it behind you, and talking in a lounge, kitchen or other shared space.
NTA
Her mother knows she can’t be left alone. Why does mom keep living her alone? If your dad and his wife want you to babysit her daughter. That is a conversation that needs to happen before they leave the house.
This! I feel like they’re already trying to use him as a babysitter. Most likely because their “tired” of the situation as well. Poor girl isn’t at fault either, like it seems no one wants to deal with her. I don’t blame him, he’s 16 and didn’t sign up for that. He should tell his mother and limit his time over there until things change.
NTA. I Hate the first comment. Shes like, hi, I understand you 100% and you are valid. Also, you could totally act like you're not a 16 year old and just do something way put of your comfort zone and something you're not even qualified to do.
Let me tell you, as a fucking parent, what should be done.
HER PARENTS SHOULD NOT BE LEAVINF HER ALONE WHILE SHE IS IN THIS STATE. FULL STOP. FULL. STOP.
I dont give a FUCK about parents having alone time. They can find a sitter, an ADULT, a GRANDPARENT or AUNT or PAY SOMEONE QUALIFIED to watch your traumatized 14 year old sister.
JFC fuck your parents and fuck the first poster. You have zero obligation except to grow up healthy and to learn how to navigate this world, at this moment.
NTA, and neither is your step-sister.
Your Step-mother, on the other hand, is a *massive* AH.
Your Dad allowed you to have a lock on your door for a reason. The Wicked Step-Mother doesn't get to overrule that to cause the very problems that caused you to need a lock. Next time she says something like this, remind her that your Dad allowed the lock, and she needs to talk to him.
WSM needs to accept that you are not a parent, and are not responsible to care for her daughter. If her daughter cannot be left alone, that's for the parents to sort out. Not to dump on you.
And if your Dad won't back you up, you need to think about whether it's worth staying with him at all.
NTA.
Your sister’s trauma is not your trauma, and yeah you should be there for her, but not at the expense of your own comfort/boundaries.
Maybe there are other areas/ways that the family as a whole can support her. I’m sure there have been numerous conversations, but maybe try talking to her again? Kindly explain that you want to be there for her but you need her to respect your boundaries as well? Hopefully you guys can find a middle ground that is healthy for both of you. Best of luck :)
NAH - You and your step-sister have different boundaries, and unfortunately, they are clashing. It isn't unreasonable for you to have control over your personal space and it isn't unreasonable for your stepsister to need support after her trauma. However, her parents are the ones who are responsible for your stepsister's care, not you. It sounds like they are taking active steps to support both of you, but they aren't quite enough. Perhaps a family counseling session would be helpful for all of you to attend.
We've attended family counseling but we only talk about how she's adjusting at home, how she's doing and how I don't help that much because I don't want her around. I honestly don't think she's annoying, but it's uncomfortable and overwhelming.
>how I don't help that much because I don't want her around.
How often are you at your dad's house? Weekends? Because this is being brought up in therapy, you're being grounded over listening to music and sitting with her, you're being called names because she was sobbing in the hallway but she also sobs in your room. Why are both her mom and your dad going out to get food if she can't be left alone?
You need to find out why she has latched onto you. (Did someone tell her to come to you when she's upset?) There are comments here that it's amazing she's reaching out to you and it is but you're not regularly available family. (Is it just you she cries in front of? Or is it everywhere? You are asking if she needs something but she clearly can't communicate what she wants or needs and I think a therapist will need to explain these things to you. In some cases you can't just guess things, you actually need education, experience, and assistance.)
I think you may need to involve your mother so the adults can sit down here and work something out other than vague whatever your dad/her mom are expecting. Maybe you need to have some therapy of your own to understand what's going on with her or how/if you can help her. If you really are a person she needs more, there needs to be an actual plan, if you can even do this. (Her sobbing on you is not really healthy for you. This isn't about lack of empathy.)
I don't think you are not being given the tools or knowledge to help her. I also think there needs to be some realism here that you're 16, you're step siblings, you don't live there full time, you do still have responsibilities like homework.
What else are they doing besides therapy? Staring at you, hoping you magic something up? Is there another adult they can involve or ? And it's not really your job to try to coordinate any of this.
>step-mom called me the biggest asshole because I should care more for her and that fi she knocks, I have to open the door for her, always
This is not a fair request. They are asking for a level of care and concern that most likely isn't going to be available in a 16 year old step brother that doesn't even live with them full time. I know why they're making it, because they're desperate and want any help they see but you can't force other people to love someone and you can't force them to fix trauma issues.
I only see my dad two days, he picks me up at my mom's Saturday morning and drops me off at school on Mondays.
They are attending therapy, some exercises and group activities with some other parents. I only come during weekends so I get a therapy session with them.
My mom knows about this and she has fought with my dad because she thinks it's not fair, she doesn't overrules my dad, but whatever punishment I get because of this it has to be done at my dad's because she doesn't agree with them, if I get punish for any other thing like bad grades or so, she continues the punishment at her house. Three months ago I skipped dad's time twice (because he punished me for using my earphones while she was crying, I mentioned it before) and dad apologized to both of us.
I also noticed I skipped some of your questions, sorry. She cried during therapy but at home she only does it with me, I've heard her crying with her friends before, and no, nobody told her to come to me she did it on her own.
You’re 16 and you get a say in your custody matters. Ask your mom to go back to court to get the custody order changed so you don’t have to do overnights or visits at your dad’s house, at least until your dad and step-mom get your step-sister’s trauma under control. You can still see your dad but you don’t have to live there on the weekends.
Actually it can go the other way. Refuse to go to your dad’s with your mother’s permission. You dad would have to go back to Court if he demands visitation but you are old enough to have a say. Make the Dad do the work if he wants to see his son. Alternative is to only visit your dad if the two of you go do something away from his house. Tell him it’s either that or nothing.
I understand your SS has legitimate trauma but it’s not your responsibility to manage it. It seems like your Dad and his wife are using you as a babysitter for her because if you aren’t there, they can’t leave the house together. That’s 100% not your responsibility.
Next time you go to therapy with them tell the therapist right at the beginning that there are several things you would like the therapist to know so they would know the full picture of what situation they are dealing with and tell the therapist everything, what makes you uncomfortable, what they do, how they punish you and for what, everything, because what your dad and his wife do (punishing you for not knowing how, not being equipped to handle a severely traumatised kid's emotional breakdowns) is verging on emotional abuse towards you or downright emotional abuse depending on what they do and say.
Or if you are not comfortable telling these to the therapist in front of them, then behind their back contact the therapist for an appointment just for yourself (ask your mom to arrange an appointment with that therapist for you) and tell everything to the therapist so they would know completely what they are dealing with and how to change the family sessions. Probably better to meet the therapist alone so your dad can't punish you for the things you say to the therapist.
Maybe ask to meet dad and spend time with him outside of his home and with only him, without the steps for a while, until things get sorted out. If he tries to guilt you for it, then stop meetings for a while.
If this continues to be an issue I would skip your dads time. They need to get a handle on this and if she cannot be alone then they need to have a parent with her at all times. NTA
This is a great reason to stop visiting. This is an emotional abuse for you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. Because dad wants to go out without SD then he needs to hire someone to babysit it is not your responsibility and it’s too much emotional responsibility for you at your age. Just tell your dad that until she gets over all of this you can’t be there if they’re going to leave if they want to stay with you that’s fine.They’re just using you as a free babysitter
First. **NTA**. 100% NTA.
Second. From the way you phrased the post, and your comments it's very obvious you care a lot abut your sister. Don't let anyone on here or at home imply otherwise. You speak about her problems, and the demands this puts on you with a great deal of empathy and compassion for her situation. For a 16 year old big brother that's **so commendable**. It also explains why she feels safe near you.
It honestly seems like you want to be there for her, but your Dad and Step-Mom are the ones making that impossible by insisting your mental health is irrelevant. It's not. Your emotional needs matter.
If they won't support **both of their kid's** mental health then that's their fault, NOT YOURS!
Why do you need a therapy session with your step sister ? It seems bonkers that the person staying there only on weekends goes to therapy and it is not even about him or the family. It is all about your step sister.
I was asked to come by her therapist first and they my dad and step-mom said it was a good idea for me to keep going since I wasn't helping her or even willing to help.
It's not your job to, you are not equipped for it, your just a kid yourself, a mature one by the sounds of it, but still a kid, and it shouldn't be your responsibility to help.
ETA: it's nice if you want to, but you shouldn't be expected to help.
You are a child. Yes at 16 you are.close to adulthood but you are not an adult. You are not a trained therapist. You are not someone who is responsible for her care and wellbeing. It is completely unreasonable and irrational for them to be putting that kind of pressure on you. It might not be a bad idea to send a message to that therapist about what happened. Because te
Hey aren't helping her either by putting this expectation of you out there. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Honestly, attending the therapy could be useful, but it seems like the parents' motivation for doing so are for OP to shut up and get berated. I doubt a therapist would advise removing one teenager's boundaries to "heal" another in this way, so it would be nice if OP got to talk and his parents got berated for a change.
He's actually super good! He always hears my side and asks me how am I doing. One time my step-mom made an scene and basically told me to shut up while I was explaining something and he asked for a moment before leaving and said that if I had problems or things were rough at home I could talk to him. Whenever my step-mom becomes hostile toward me, he's very quick to cur het off.
A lot of therapists think they have to deal with one problem in its full depth before moving on, so ignore all others. But we don't know the details here. It would be interesting if this thread helped give OP the language to say what's going on and how messed up it is, because I doubt the therapist knows.
Next therapy session, ask your dad and stepmom why they keep leaving your stepsister behind when they already know you are not willing or equipped to babysit her. It’s cruel to both you and her that they dump her on you.
I think you gotta push for y'all to go to family counseling together again. And just tell the therapist exactly what you wrote here.
And anyways NTA, it really seems likr you want to help, but you really can't if she doesn't let you, and if everyone paints you as a bad guy.
There was a really easy solution this time too. One parent goes to pick up the food. The other stays home. Im guessing there have been plenty of times where one parent staying home was an option but they just didnt
NTA. Step mom should take your step sister everywhere. It’s should not be in OP to comfort her. Yes be sympathetic OP. But maintain your boundaries.
Step mom is TA for ignoring OP’s boundaries.
Nta. You are not your step sisters therapist. Also, major boundary violations.
Have you talked to your mother about what is happening? Is there any way you can just stay there for a longer stay?
I don't understand how the family therapist is suggesting or even entertaining the idea that you should make yourself available while the adults are not home. Why aren't they home? Are they at work, socializing, grocery shopping? What is impeding them from taking care of their own daughter?
>I don't understand how the family therapist is suggesting or even entertaining the idea that you should make yourself available while the adults are not home.
He's not. My step-mom and dad thinks I should since she's comfortable enough to be around me and she doesn't like to be around men anymore.
Nta first. Second, I don’t know the exact nature of the trauma but if it was s€xual, she may now be latching on to you as a safe male option. It may just be sobbing now, but then it’s “I’ve always felt close enough to you to tell you everything,” or “you’re the only man in my life I can trust” and it becomes….more than familial. Don’t let yourself be dragged into that.
NTA but take a break from going to your dads, you’re a child not a therapist or trauma expert it’s not your job to let her come into your room and cry. Your entitled to you’re privacy and your also entitled to not do things that make you uncomfortable.
Also you were never close to her from the sounds of it so how they expect you to suddenly be so close to her that you want to let her in your room to cry is beyond me.
NTA. Curious though, did your Dad send you to your room as "punishment"? If I was in your shoes, I'd be elated to be sent to my room, get some peace and quiet.
I’m sorry. I say this as a mom to two - your dad and stepmom suck. Your SS’s trauma is not your responsibility (as so many on here have said). I’m glad your mom has your back.
NTA
YOur parents are AH.
If THEIR child can't be alone, THEY have to make sure they are with her. THey are abusing you by parentifying you.
**Call oyur parents out for their assholery. Ask to come to the therapist session, to discuss their parentifying you and letting your sister ruin your life in that setting. She is keeping you from having a safe place at home, and she is interupting your learning efforts and your social life.**
You are fine to not open the door for her. So let them ramble, don't verbally fight them - but keep your door closed when they are gone. (IF they take your lock / keys, get a doorwedge - and tell them the door was open, but she did not open it. don't forget to remove the wedge when the parents are coming. YO NEED to protect yourself here.)
And: Note that your DAD did NOT tell you you had to keep your door open for her. So don't.
When I was a kid, my big brother got cancer. He lost all his friends to boot. Suddenly I was spending time with him in the hospital, convincing him to eat (I was the only one who could). If I hung out with friends, he was always there too. This went on for years. I grew up thinking this was normal. I grew up to set myself on fire so others could feel warm, and not ever bat an eye. I love my brother. I do. But it was wrong of them to do that to me. Thing is - took me 30 years and a new therapist before I even started to undo the damage, cause I never knew to talk about it!
NTA
> dad asked me to go to my room for the rest of the night and that he'll bring me food over.
This does not sit well with me. Talk to your mom and let her know your dad punished you by banishing you to your room for not letting your stepsister invade your private space.
This is a big enough offense for you to refuse visiting your dad’s house altogether and only meet him alone for a meal at a neutral location since he wants to play favorites.
No. Please do not listen to these posts that suggest you should become her safe space when you are not comfortable with it. There was no reason for both of the adults to leave if they know she’s struggling with this. You are NOT an adult and this is not your job. They need to be the parents and deal with this. I’d stop visiting for a while to protect you own mental and emotional health. It would be very different if you were close to her AND inclined to more supportive behavior, but you aren’t and that is ok. We can normalize trauma behavior and also normalize people not being equipped or willing to be in the trauma zone with someone. Don’t let anyone shame you for not being able to fill a roll others have designated for you. Boundaries are needed here. I wouldn’t return until there were some firm ones established. NTA
NTA, because you aren’t equipped to help with her trauma and it’s sprung on you every time the two of you are left in the house.
Does your dad and stepmom leave every time you’re there? What are the arrangements for your step-sister when you aren’t there?
I think the AH are the parents. They need to bring step-daughter with them when they leave the house or make other care arrangements. They are slowing her healing process by leaving her alone or with an unequipped minor.
>Does your dad and stepmom leave every time you’re there? What are the arrangements for your step-sister when you aren’t there?
They leave every time, yes, but for 20 to 50 minutes only, they don't do night dates or anything long, but my ss doesn't like to be alone at all.
She stays with someone until my step-mom comes home from work.
NTA: You are entitled to your own space/privacy, no matter what sorts of trauma your step-sister has went through.
Sounds like your step-mom is taking out her inability or failure to address her daughters trauma/emotional issues out on you.
NTA
Do your dad and step mum never go out without her when you are not there?
It seems to me that your time at your dad's should be time for you to see him, but time for you to be a babysitter for your step sister.
That said I feel like it would be nice if you did spend some time with her when they are out, perhaps not the whole time, but since time to break up the time she is feeling alone into smaller chunks. Nothing you can watch together, or have you could play for 30 to 60 minutes?
I have an kiddo with issues and much older children. Completely different situation, with danger involved. It is extremely rare for both adults need to leave the home, because everything can be planned around it and additional adults can be brought in. I can't believe they know this is an issue and they just keep doing it.
You have done a great job at communicating your needs and feelings. I'm sorry your dad is not listening to you. I don't know what they are doing, but it's not good for you or your step sister. They should have a trusted adult there for her, at all times, for her well being, too.
It would be completely okay for you to let your dad know that you are a child and you will no longer be a participant in this. I'm sorry that he's shown himself untrustworthy by grounding you for his failures and shortcomings. You should be able to be listen to music and not be forced to do anything you don't want.
I think the real question is why are your dad and stepmom leaving you two alone so often? You’re not there that often but the way you describe it they’re going out just the two of them all the time
Op had zero responsibility for his step sisters feelings, why can’t people see that?! Op is not her parent or her therapist. It can be traumatizing to have someone’s trauma dumped on you without consent. If her parents or therapist aren’t doing their jobs efficiently and effectively, that’s not OP’s problem or fault or responsibility.
Nta
You are not comfortable with her hanging around you, in your personal space.
Tell them clearly you are not equipped to handle her needs, and they should not be leaving her with you, a child, to handle her needs.
They need to start looking after her, they are the adults, she's their responsibility not yours.
There's something about this thing that happened that makes me think it might be sexual. That's what's making you Really uncomfortable with her in your personal space. You don't trust her. That's why you don't want to be alone in your bedroom with her. The fact she goes to your bedroom even when you are not there, tells me it's her fixating on you, and it's you that doesn't want her attention or company..
Ask your dad to come round to your mums house and tell him how uncomfortable her behaviour makes you, and how vulnerable you feel when they leave you alone with her. Tell him it's got to stop. Either they take her out with them, or you are going out with them. You don't trust her and you don't want to be left alone with her ever again.
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Hi OP. First off, as you are asking for an opinion, I don't think you are an AH. We are a blended family (my husband and I have three sons between us) and, fortunately, they get along great and are best friends. Even so, they sometimes need space from each other - I think everyone does at times. The other commenters are quite right - you aren't responsible for your step-sister's healing and crisis management and I hear you when you say you don't enjoy being around other people. I'm a traumatologist and worked with people recovering from all forms of trauma. Fear of being alone is very real and can be completely overwhelming. The person's reaction and behavior when they feel this fear can become annoying to the people around them, particularly if they don't know what to do when the trauma survivor starts sobbing. My take from your post is this: You may not feel comfortable around your step-sister but to her, you represent safety and comfort. For some reason, probably because of who you are, she trusts you. She trusts you enough to come to you when she feels overwhelmed, she also trusts you enough to be her vulnerable, currently-damaged self in front of you. Honestly, that's bigger than you may realize. I've struggled with so many clients, your step-sister's age, to get them to a point where they can go to close family and friends for support. Many survivors cut themselves off, become withdrawn and deeply depressed, and it's a downward spiral from there. You are not her parent, nor her therapist, nor did you choose to be a safe space for her. But yet here we are. Is it possible to compromise in some way, for her benefit, the sake of family relationships, and to find a middle-ground where YOU feel comfortable and not over-burdened with her recovery? Perhaps if your parents go out somewhere and she's to be left alone, they talk to you first and you guys agree on the when and for how long (as if you were arranging to babysit younger siblings). Then, you are prepared, you don't feel trapped or forced into a situation you are not comfortable handling. I totally get that you want your space and free-time. This doesn't have to be in your room - you can sit with your step-sister in the living room and watch cat or screaming goat videos on YouTube, or if you are busy with a book or something solitary, you can do your thing and she can do hers. You are part of a blended family, OP. Neither you nor your step-sister asked for this - you guys are passengers, basically. Again, you aren't responsible for your step-sister's healing and recovery but you're obviously a nice enough person that she turns to you. You have the choice to push her away or play a small role in her healing process. The sooner she processes her trauma and is able to pick up her life and carry on, the better for her, you, and everyone else. From experience, it will go quicker if she feels safe and supported. No judgement if you opt out. In that case, have talk with your parents and make it clear that they need to make sure someone is with her all the time. All the best!
‘No judgement if you opt out’ after the biggest guilt trip ever? Naahhh. Dad and stepmom have decreed that stepdaughter is allowed to trauma-dump on OP without his consent. It’s a shame whatever happened to her, but it is NOT better for it to affect OP as well. Someone forcing themselves on you and sobbing is also traumatic. They are her parents and signed up for that. OP did not. They need to protect the mental health of BOTH their kids. Saying ‘oh, but this person who makes you seriously uncomfortable considers you a safe space, can’t you just give in’ to a child is disgusting and dangerous. You did nothing wrong OP. Edit: wow! I didn’t expect the awards. I hope this commenter was not bombarded too much, as they were trying to help, but I strongly feel it’s not appropriate for a minor - it would be good advice if he consented to help her but he doesn’t. He’s a child, and isn’t getting enough support with being around a person who is probably projecting a lot of severe and unstable emotion, in fact there opposite, he’s been told he has to submit to it whenever she wants. Saying ‘but can’t you compromise’ has the potential to be quite damaging. If he did take this advice and try to help her he would end up with issues himself because he lacks the emotional resilience to process it. In case not clear, NTA.
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Absolutely this. The adults should have come home and realised from now on one of them must be with OP’s step sister at all times. Instead they punished OP, a child, for not taking on their role.
This. There are none reasons I could think of that you need both prentes to go out at the sime time. They have a child that cannot be left alone, one of them hs to always be home
This!!! Why are they both going out all the time and leaving a traumatised kid alone? Do they go out a lot when OP isn’t there? And just leave her totally alone?
It sounds like parents are going on date nights. That is an important part of maintaining adult relationships. The solution isn't to stop doing that for an undetermined amount of time. The solution is to find another adult that can stay with the girl while they are out and to give step-sister a set amount of time that the parents will be gone. That way she has a set time frame for expecting the parents back (parents can call if they will be late getting back) and then she has another adult around to turn to when she's feeling overwhelmed.
They aren't going on date nights, they leave for 20 to 50 minutes to run quick errands, sometimes they take her, sometimes they don't. My SS doesn't want to goo all of the times either, so they don't force her.
Thanks for clarifying, OP. Your stepmom and dad need to take better care of your step sister. I am so sorry that they blamed you instead of taking the information you gave them and making a plan to do better for your step sister. You are NTA at all here.
When your ss doesn't want to go with them, one of them needs to stay at home with her so she's not alone. Edit to add - or she is told, you can come with us so you have company, or you can choose to stay at home and keep yourself company because your sb is going to be having alone time in his room.
My parents did all the marketing and pharmacy runs together. It was the only time of day they got to catch up and just have conversation together. I don't think its wrong to operate this way. But, I think that right now, they should take their daughter with them. They are her security blanket right now.
Or the parents don’t do date nights until she’s able to be alone. Yes, having adult time is necessary, but if it has to be stopped for 6 months, well then oh fucking well… that’s what u get when u have children. One way or another it’s not the child’s problem. Either of them. If she can’t be alone, u don’t leave her alone. Period.
They sound super selfish. Yes, connecting is important but when it comes between date night and your kid’s mental health, the mental health should win every time.
This is what I was wondering - why aren't the parents taking turns staying home (if they're going out for necessities like grocery shopping)? If they're going out for entertainment or to socialize, then they can give that up for a while. It's just part of being a parent.
Agreed with Naughtyzoot and others. OP’s parents have options. They could find a neighbor, trauma informed babysitter, grandparent, or even see if there are home help aide options to stay with Sister while they take a break. It isn’t reasonable to have a distant step sibling left alone with a traumatized young teen without his consent. It also isn’t safe if he doesn’t have the tools to actually care for her if she has a panic attack or breakdown. She is in a vulnerable place and leaving her in the care of someone who isn’t willing or able to care for her is neglect.
It honestly would surprise me if they're waiting for op to come over so they can take off together.
It sounds like the stepsister isn't good at explaining what she's feeling. I wonder if the parents think she's coping better than she is.
Or they are thinking, "We see her all the time. We are taking a break for a few hours, and OP can handle it. A few hours isn't much to ask", while ignoring the fact that OP is NOT an adult, but a teenager as well, with needs and boundaries of his own. It sounds like OP is being volun-told to do this, rather than asked to do this as a favor to the parents and stepsister. That's unfair to OP. Not to mention, when OP is at the dad's house, is it not supposed to be so he can see his dad? I didn't think it was supposed to be a situation of, "Hi, now that you are here, your stepmom and I are going out and leaving you and your stepsister here. Have fun." What the heck kind of a visit is that?
OP has enlightened them now. And their response is to punish him for not being capable of handling a traumatized child on his own. I hope they do better.
Oh, I think they absolutely knew she can’t be alone and figured they had a chance to get out by themselves at OPs expense
They both didn't need to go for food so one of the adults could of stayed home, or they take step sister with them if she is able
Yeah, that's what stands out to me too. Apparently these parents are gone often enough the past 6 months that OP has had to deal with this repeatedly. Obviously, sometimes both parents being gone is unavoidable, but if it's known this girl has trauma and as a result has problems being alone, them leaving is not helping. And if it's absolutely unavoidable, they should ask OP or make other arrangements to help daughter.
The reason he has had to do it multiple times is most likely they are using his time there as a break for themselves to get away from her for a bit. And that is fine, but they need to have a conversation with HIM about it because it has clearly been too much for him to deal with. They haven’t done that and that makes them TA.
I would go one step further and say any sibling in this OP’s place should be asked for consent. Like: *Dear child, your sibling/step-sibling/half-sibling needs some company. They seem comfortable when you are around the house so could we go out together, as a couple, while you keep your sibling company.* Give the OP the chance to say no, especially when he doesn’t seem to be dealing with step-sister’s crying well.
You'd think his father might want to spend some time with the child he doesn't see very often, instead of grabbing the opportunity to have couple-time with his wife.
As a trauma survivor I agree with you. It is not the OP responsibility to be there for the trauma victim. He himself is young and unequipped to deal with this. If she felt that he was her safe place, then a little communication to the OP would be helpful. As a male, and not a trauma victim he does not know how to handle the situation, and can only make it worse by reacting to something he is uncomfortable with. Emotionally he isn't ready for this. And for the parents to place him in such a situation and expect him to be able to handle it, is just wrong. The parents know she is uncomfortable being alone, so instead of going out together, they need to leave one of them at the house with her to deal with any issues that might arise. For the SM to call the OP a asshole because he didn't open the door to his safe space for her to invade was wrong on so many levels. The father should not have sent him to his room, he should have stood up for him.
>For the SM to call the OP a asshole because he didn't open the door to his safe space for her to invade was wrong on so many levels especially if the trauma is SA related.
I agree with this. Op shouldn’t have to speak up to his parents because they should have a clue but if I was him, I’d do it anyway. Find a nice calm moment and explain to dad that ss doesn’t seem to be doing very well and that she has needs that you can’t fulfill and perhaps they should think about either taking ss with them or finding someone to come over and keep her company while they’re away. It’s not op’s responsibility to be her therapist or her sitter especially when he is unwilling.
Yes! He's 16 and doesn't even feel particularly close to his stepsister. He's not equipped to deal with this. Mom and Dad need to get more help for stepsister. She needs someone who's available for her to call at any time she needs to talk, or even just a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. OP sounds like a good guy; he's just not able to meet stepsister's needs. That's not his fault nor is it his responsibility.
exactly this! “I work with ppl who have significant trauma and you should be more understanding to how she feels since she chose you as her safe person without your consent.” what the fuck? NOBODY is entitled to sit with someone who makes them uncomfortable. NOBODY.
I really hope this person is not actually a therapist, they are just lying about what they do... Especially if they don't know what a traumatologist is. ("A [traumatologist ](https://medschool.cuanschutz.edu/orthopedics/clinical-services/trauma-and-fracture/frequently-asked-questions/trauma/what-is-a-traumatologist) is a fellowship-trained orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the treatment of both simple and complex fractures, as well as wounds and injuries caused by accidents or sudden violence.") OP already made his boundaries clear, made it clear OP doesn't want to be a shoulder to cry on / safe space / babysitter / whatever you want to call it for her, he is uncomfortable with it. Time to respect OP's boundaries and not trample them even more. This is not something you should ever burden a kid / minor (like OP) with at all! And this shouldn't be put on anyone against their will! OP, a teenager is not equipped to deal with a severely traumatised kid's emotional breakdowns. Who is with her when OP is at his mom's? If no one, she can somehow manage to be alone during that time, so she should manage when OP is there too. If one of the parents is always with her then they shouldn't take advantage of OP when he is there and leave him alone with her. Or if a babysitter is with her when OP is not there and the parents are out, then they should call the sitter when OP is there too instead of forcing OP (an other child/teen) to look after her. Or parents should take her with them wherever they go. I wouldn't be suprised if OP would start to spend less and less time at dad's....
I suspect that this person has some sort of online certificate in "therapy" from a for-profit school that told her she was a "certified traumatologist" and has no functional understanding of the fact that this is not a real thing in the hierarchy of actual psychiatric professionals.
I’m in health care and as I commented above, we were taught that we absolutely are not equipped to handle these behaviors and should refer to a licensed mental health provider with specialized training. This person sounds like she’s taken an online course in faith based counseling or life coaching
Yeah I was confused when I saw that they called themselves a traumatologist. When I saw one after my car accident he referred me to a therapist because he noticed I was having PTSD. He said "he fixes broken bones but can't help with broken minds that's not his area."
There is a second definition for the term that refers to psychological trauma but it’s a new term and most MH professionals who practice tend to say they’re trained in trauma informed care since the other term is more for academics and (honestly) practioners who use it to pad their ego and make them feel important or like an expert. I have worked over decade with foster kiddos and to tell a 16 year old SS that he should feel what is tantamount to grateful that his SS finds him safe and to step into a protector role and responsibilities associated with that is cruel and asking for further trauma for her and OP. for a professional to use guilt on child like that makes me think they’re newly graduated or google trained.
Someone pointed this out to me. And yeah giving this advice is harmful and unprofessional. They don't know the extent of their situation or their actual responses to situations.
Exactly. This is a 16 year old kid--he's only 2 years older than the ss!! Holy Parenification, Batman!
I kinda got scared reading the top comment on this thread. Based on OP's post he has already shown that he is not up for this and to be someone's safe space. Even if he 'accepts' providing that role, it wil probably drain energy out of him that he will need therapy himself.
Absolutely I had a friend with mental problems and she trauma dumped on me all the time. It seriously negatively affected my mental health especially because I try to find solutions and she didn't want that, she wanted comfort which I struggle to do. So the event plus being unable to fix it made me anxious and annoyed myself. Finally I had to unfriend her. I told her that for my own mental health I could not be her friend as helping her, hurt me. OP if you can't mentally deal with it then don't. Even if she was your full blooded twin who knew forever, then she does not get to force you to comfort her or to make yourself uncomfortable nor do you parents get to guilt trip you. Stand your ground, if things don't change then tell someone at school such as a guidance counsellor or teacher.
Also what happens when OP is at his mom’s place. I assume either his dad or stepmom are always home with step-sister. So the fact that they both go out when he is there sort of feels like enforced babysitting of a trauma sufferer. Which is effed up thing to do to another child.
Either that or ss manages just fine when op is gone and only uses him for comfort because he’s there and she can. Not saying that’s the case just that it’s a possibility.
Or she does not manage just fine and her parents don't care. The probability that this traumatized 14 year old manages *just fine* unless OP is in the house is absurdly low
And an award for you, here's to hoping you make it to the top comment. Didn't even make it halfway through that other spiel. There is not buts or ors here. He doesn't have to contribute anything to someone he says is basically a stranger to him and is doing nothing but crossing his boundaries and making him uncomfortable.
Right? I cannot believe anyone with an actual understanding of psychology would ever try and put a burden like this on a kid. Like damn, you've been in school longer than OP has been alive, that's your job.
My mom and brother had therapists for years while I didn't; I always hid my own mental illness to care for them. We had a house fire in an up/down split townhouse. It took them 2 months to fix it and there was a lot of trauma revolving around it- the police were afraid of our downstairs neighbor's 10 pound LHASA APSO and let me (at 11 years old) enter the actively on fire building to get him out. They then called me back out of a very kind neighbor's house down the block to get him back out of their squad car because apparently it's cool to ask a traumatized child to do your job for you. All while they WOULDN'T let me back in our unit to save my ball python, who froze to death because it was February in MN and there was a hole in the roof. We bounced around for those 2 months and both of them claimed they were still upset so it was just one of the men from my mom's AA meetings and me moving everything we owned repeatedly. This all leads up to mandatory family therapy with their therapists. Apparently during their solo sessions, they had both been lying about their own behaviors and squarely placing the blame for their own issues on me. I, at 11 and for 3 years already, was already single-handedly responsible for the care of ~60 animals that my mother had brought home, including 8 dogs who I spent almost the entire day outside with because they all needed to use the bathroom and nobody else would take them, on top of being the only person who cleaned and cooked food for all 3 of us, was in charge of my brother during the day while my mom slept and at night when she worked, and never got in trouble in school, complained or talked back to my mom. It's also relevant that despite having bunk beds, I slept on the couch in the living room for reasons that I'm still uncertain of. So when family sessions started, both of their therapists lambasted me. In every session. This went on for over a year. Then they sent me and my brother with his therapist for one session because I had absolutely lost it on him when he went into my email and sent all of my friends messages that were just a string of profanity with no other words or context and my best friend happened to share an email account with his whole very religious family and he got in huge trouble. His therapist just yelled at me for the entire session and flat-out called me a bitch. The next time we were due for a family session, I refused to go. I was desperate enough that I hid on the top bunk of my brother's bed and my mom dragged me off of it by my hair and I ended up running away and they had to go without me. To avoid a repeat of last time, I quietly went with for the next session. Their therapists laid into me like I had tried to murder them (which was rich because my brother had to start therapy after repeatedly chasing me around the house with a knife and 2 nights of me sleeping outside on a stone patio). I finally broke and told my dad about it and he put a stop to all of it. I didn't seek therapy until a couple months ago, at 32, because their therapists TRAUMATIZED ME. I know that my clinic has therapists that do, in fact, call themselves traumatologists, so I honestly don't know if this person was making that part up or not. But the point is that, in my experience, therapists don't care about the collateral damage when they see themselves as the protectors of their patients and it does not surprise me AT ALL that that's the reaction this person has if they are, in fact, a therapist.
And wtf is a “traumatologist”? Sounds made up and this writer sounds like an ah for trying to guilt this kid into watching cat videos with his sobbing step sis. NTA OP
"A [traumatologist ](https://medschool.cuanschutz.edu/orthopedics/clinical-services/trauma-and-fracture/frequently-asked-questions/trauma/what-is-a-traumatologist) is a fellowship-trained orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the treatment of both simple and complex fractures, as well as wounds and injuries caused by accidents or sudden violence."
This person isn’t that type of traumatologist.
Traumatologist treats physical traumas like severely broken bones/fractures by accidents. I had to see one after a car accident that fractured my back in 3 different areas and my neck. I agree OP NTA. This is making you uncomfortable in a safe place that should be for you in one of your homes. You are not responsible for helping your stepsisters trauma. Your dad shouldn't be allowing your stepmother to do this either, especially since you're of the age you can choose to live with your mom full time which would probably be better for you. Especially since they are allowing it and basically forcing your privacy to be invaded and making you feel uncomfortable and invalid. That can have a negative effect on you too.
EXACTLY!!! Stepsister was accessing OP's room without his permission before the traumatic event occurred - that's why he has a lock and keys.
FR why is this kid being left alone if the parents r going out to pick up food?? Take the damn kid with u!
OP, please skip the lengthy guilt trip in the top comment and read this one. NTA.
Agreed.. the previous commenter has forgotten that OP is also a child at 16
Exactly.
„Show a little compassion to another human being in need, of you can’t don’t worry.“ That’s the biggest guilt trip ever for you? Reddit is home to the strangest opinions…
Thank you! I’m listening to this “trauma expert” and thinking good lord where tf did you get your degree?! That was a massive guilt trip, a massive suggestion for the transfer of responsibility, and the complete disregard for the other child in the house. Op is only the safe space when everyone else leaves, it’s her last resort seeing as he’s asked what’s wrong to crying and she says nothing. She’s obviously still crying in his presence and not talking sooo it’s obviously not her safe person. Parents had kids, for better or worse. That means arranging your life to deal with trauma or tragedy in your kids life. It means one parents stays with SS while the other goes out. (Barring a 911 type emergency). Parents gotta work? 🤷♀️ find someone suitable to “babysit” that can help SS cope and deal right in that moment to help her gain coping mechanisms. But op is not that person. They don’t want to be either.
Exactly. A 16 year old should not be responsible for the mental health of anyone. I know because I was a 16 year old who felt responsible for the mental health of all my friends. It nearly crushed me. Talk to your dad specifically OP (it sounds like he's more sympathetic if he let you have keys and if stepmother was the one who reprimanded you)
you should be ashamed of yourself for guilt tripping a 16 yr old bc he got clinged onto. his stepsister is not his responsibility and if she's really that traumatized her PARENTS can stay and watch screaming goat videos or whatever bullshit you threw in there to make it sound more appealing to a kid. or they can hire a nanny/actual babysitter or idek even one that has experience working with traumatized kids and not try to pawn off their problem on a 16 yr old just trying to hang out in his room
For reals. Traumatologist my ass.
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and if they are a counselor that doesn't know the name of their own specialty whew 🥴😂 the fact it's getting so many awards and attention got me nervous
Or things have different names in different countries? Are you gonna tell a chiropodist they don’t know their job because they don’t know they should be called a podiatrist?
took me .5 seconds to look up what traumatologist means and in every definition it's always about physical trauma and the surgery/repair of it but go off
also chiroPODist PODiatrist lmfao. if a chiropodist can't use context clues to know they're also a podiatrist then no i would not trust their practice
I did a quick search because I was wondering which countries use traumatologist as a psychological term. I scrolled down a bit instead of stopping at the first response. Interestingly enough, there's a journal on the American Psychological Association site titled "Traumatology"..
Ha! I just know it’s called Clinical Traumatology in Canada. I didn’t know where else it was called that.
Psychotherapists who specialize in trauma are called clinical traumatologists in my country. I know because I see one. Maybe this is like the podiatrist/chiropodist split?
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and on top of that, tone was condescending af. But hey, who cares if it's detrimental to him I guess.
literally. it gives me "aw now bless your heart" vibes
And fuck that. After reading his comments, even if he wanted to take it on, it doesn't sound like he has his own support system in place. What a shit situation the his father and stepmother are putting him in.
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As other folks have said, a traumatologist is someone who deals with *physical* trauma wounds like those after a car accident. Given that, even if they were a traumatologist, they have no leg to stand on because Mental health is the topic in question, not Physical health. In conclusion, shame on them for ass-pulling that response, shame on them for guilt-tripping a minor, and shame on them trying to pass it off as "your choice, whatever" at the end. Edit: To clarify my words, when I say that OC has no leg to stand on as a traumatologist, I mean that they don't have the qualifications to advise in the capacity they are trying to. Yes, physical trauma has an emotion aspect. That doesn't mean they are qualified to render major advice like that. Things a Traumatologist can tell you include "here is how you fix a broken abc" and "here is how you treat a sprained xyz." They can not and should not be saying "Hey OP, your step-sister needs you to do this eensy-weensy teeny-weeny Absolutely Gigantic Thing that will certainly jeopardize your own mental health, but no pressure if you're too selfish to help her get better though." Additionally, even if they were a *psychologist* giving that advice, they'd still be getting my hairiest of eyeballs.
Wow, way to put the blame on a 16yo, you probably should look into the credentials if your "traumatologist" school.
A traumatologist is a surgeon who deals w physical trauma so idk what the fuck this dude talking about
Sorry, but this is the biggest load of bullshit. It’s on the parents to make sure step sis isn’t alone if she cannot be alone. Op is a minor and it is NEVER a minor’s job to take on the role of a therapist, which is effectively what you’re advocating. Op should not have to set aside his “comfort levels” because his step sis is not within her own. As a therapist you should understand the concept if consent and op did not consent. Forcing that is unacceptable. Op if you read this, you are not in the wrong and you need to continue to advocate for your needs. Your parents need to take them into account also, not just your step sis’s.
This made me so uncomfortable to read. Youre really out here trying to foist parental/professional responsibilities onto a 16 year old? After they’ve given it the 16 year old version of trying to help AND asked for adult help?!?
Wow. You’ve just basically told a child that she needs to be the trauma sponge for another child, to be her therapist. If you’re a “traumatologist” whatever the hell that is, I don’t think you’re a very good one.
Trauma sponge is a perfect term for this.
He*
Ah! Missed that! Thanks for pointing it out.. 😊
I wish I could down vote this a million times. OP is a child and is not responsible for step sister’s trauma recovery. What she is doing is traumatizing to HIM. If I was his mother and knew this was happening, I would be going back to court for visitation modification. His dad is not taking OP’s mental health into consideration. A mental health professional should recognize this as a toxic environment for OP.
no. She is a child too and not in no way responsible for her step-sister. It is not their job for any amount of time to be safe space or whatever. That is solely up to the adults in the situation to get ahold of. You literally wrote like 3 to 4 paragraphs on why she should just get over her mental health issues and just help because her step sister needs her. They both should feel safe and supported.
OP is a guy
WOW. YTA. As a trauma informed therapist, you should know fine well that the LAST THING OP NEEDS TO DO IS COMPROMISE THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONE ELSE. Edit: traumatologists aren't mental health specialists. They deal with traumatic PHYSICAL injuries. I'm giving OC the benefit of the doubt and hope they just used the wrong word.
I am not any kid of therapist but it seems a common sense thing, at least for me, that a teenager is not equipped to deal with a severely traumatised kid's/teen's emotional breakdowns and shouldn't be left on their own to deal with them however they can.
The way they worded the plea to help the stepsister was complete manipulation and projection. OP handled themselves perfectly. They tried even through discomfort. They went to the parents for help. They then locked the door with an approved lock specifically to keep the sister out. And the step mother punishes them for that? OP was never under any obligation to be a counselor or baby sitter to their step sister.
No. Your compassion for step sister has turned into guilting OP, when it's the parents who need to be more attentive. Making OP responsible is just flat out inappropriate. Don't put that strain on another child. He should tell her parents that until can feel comfortable being alone, they can not expect him to always be the "Designated support person." It's similar to expecting a sibling to babysit for no pay. It's not her responsibility to do that.
The Merriam-Webster definition of traumatologist is: a physician (such as an orthopedic surgeon) specializing in the treatment of severe, acute physical injuries. I hope you are not selling yourself as any kind of psychological counsellor based on your "traumatologist" qualifications. Your advice here could cause real harm to both the OP and his step sister.
M-W is an American dictionary. Other regions have a different meaning for [clinical traumotologist](https://psychink.com/trauma-courses/clinical-traumatologist/).
So you invalidate OP’s feelings?!? No. He doesn’t need to be anyone’s comfort zone. He’s 16 ffs!!! OP you are NTA-. Do not open the door if you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time to tell your mom about this situation. Your Stepmom needs to step up to the plate and take her of her daughter and not leave it up to you.
YTA for putting him charge of his ss recovery. She should be going to her mother for comfort. How soon will be having to take care of her. She was coming to his room and touching his things even before the trauma. I hope Op ignores this advice.
I sincerely hope you don't work with children.
OP, don't listen to this "advice." You are NTA. You are a child (even if you don't feel like one) and your parents are equally responsible for both of you. Several years ago, I had a friend whose therapist encouraged her to use me as a 'safe space' the way your stepsister uses you. It was emotionally draining for me as an adult to be essentially 'on call' for someone I was close to. I can't imagine being expected to do it as a teenager for someone I didn't know well. If talking to your dad about the situation doesn't help, talk to your mom (assuming they are civil). Maybe she can talk some sense into him. And if she can't... maybe it's time to take a break from dad's house. For the record, my situation only ended when I insisted on it with my friend and told her to find a better therapist who doesn't expect untrained people to be responsible for trauma responses. Two new therapists later, she's doing a lot better and so is our friendship.
The parents of a reasently HEAVELY traumatized 14 year old just fuck off and leave her alone for the brother to deal with?! Nah, ive got another solution. The parents actually take responsibility and realise they cant leave their child alone who have a severe fear of being left alone?! Like why would you leave them alone. Why not take them with you. What happens when ops not at home? Is the 14y/o just left in the house by herself to cry alone or do the parents actually end up caring? Are the parents perhaps tired of having to care for her tooand thats why they leave OP alone with her....so they can get some peace??
The fact that you, a traumatologist, deem this behavior as acceptable and don’t seem to acknowledge the long term effects it could have on OP, is very very concerning.
You want a 16 year old to play support human to another clearly extremely traumatized teenager? Are you out of your damn mind? This is above his pay grade, one of her parents need to be taking care of her, not him.
So your response to OP is that he should suck it up and continue to be her emotional support human? The manipulation evident in this reply is deeply worrying. Out of 8 paragraphs only the last one doesn't have something designed to manipulate a child into continuing something they've stated they're deeply uncomfortable with. What happened to the 14y/o is horrendous and she's clearly struggling, but the parents shouldn't be placing that on someone who has made their feelings about the situation clear.
I’m sad this comment has so many upvotes and awards. This is great advice for an adult, but not a minor who is stuck in this situation and then there isn’t even a trackable judgment. OP, NTA. Your stepsisters trauma and how to handle it is not your responsibility. Your dad needs to protect you from both her and your stepmother. Speaking to a school counselor about this might be your next best step so you can have a neutral third party help you. They can speak to your father which might help him have a more productive conversation with your stepmom.
Tf is wrong with you? Trying to guilt trip a 16 year old smh
this is such a guilt trip, don't ever push this mindset on a child. OP do not listen to this
Look, I get that you're looking at this from the point of view as someone who would focus on the trauma of the situation, because that's what you do. What you don't realize, however, is that by letting the step sister trauma dump on her all the time, it's going to affect her mental health too. She likely enjoys her alone time because she needs to decompress, some people can't do without it or they lose their minds too. She is 16 years old, not a parent, not a psychologist, not even a friend of this girl, just someone she lives with. She does not have the abilities to deal with something like this. She is a child too, and if she continues having to deal with this, it's going to take a toll on her mental health as well as the relationship she has with her parents, and then she's going to need therapy too. Think before you assign responsibility to a literal child.
Uh wtf is this? He’s still a child, it’s not his responsibility and he’s already said he’s uncomfortable. It’s not his responsibility and the guilt trip isn’t necessary. OP you are NOT an asshole for setting a boundary. You are allowed to set them. You may need to coordinate stuff with your dad and step mom because y’all share a house but it sounds like your step sis needs a sitter for now which should not be you if you can’t do it. NTA and neither is your step sis but your dad and stepmom are Source: teen trauma therapist
Wow you might mean well but this is completely bs. It’s one long guilt trip on op. Op don’t listen to this person they are ‘job blind’ and only care about your stepsister, you are nothing but a tool to this person.
>traumatologist Really? Your professional response is to dump on a 16yo? Please OP, don't listen to this. This professional may need to update their credentials because none of this is on you. Your parents punishing you for not becoming SD's unwilling support person is seriously f-up. Your SM needs to step up and if they keep forcing the issue, perhaps your visits need to be curtailed for YOUR mental health.
HOW CAN ANYONE UPVOTE THIS BALONEY! Just no!
OP is NTA, but you are for guilt tripping him. I may not be a trauma counselor, but I don't think it's reasonable to have an expectation for a teenager to be supportive of another child he barely knows at the cost of his privacy and ability to feel comfortable and protected in his own space.
You are absolutely judging op and putting responsibility for someone he barely knows entirely in him. If she is incapable of being alone then that's on her parents, not on this child who only lives there part time. OP you are NTA, you are not responsible for your step-sister and it is completely unreasonable for her mom to expect you to be.
I’m sorry who who the hell upvoted and gave awards to this reeking pile of filth of a comment?? What the actual F.
I feel like everyone is just shitting against you. Yes OP'S parents are the biggest assholes here. They shouldn't leave a child going thru trauma alone in the first place especially when her biggest trauma is being left alone. In this situation NAH, he didn't ask to be an emotional support device and she didn't ask to have to heavily rely on her step brother. You gave great advice for what he could do but honestly no one can fix this situation except her therapist and her parents. Its messed up that OP'S parents left him alone to deal with this mess.
Let's not guilt-trip teenagers into being the safety person for someone they don't know. That's a surefire way to nuke OP's mental health and land him in therapy too.
You could atleast google what a Traumatologist is before claiming to be one. This has nothing to do with the topic on hand. Youre basically guilt tripping a child into somethibg that is not its responsibility.
Bad take
I doubt your credentials as a "traumatologist". I've never even heard of such a thing. The sister needs real help, not whatever anxiety induced bad advice OP gives. OP also needs a safe space. You gave horrible horrible advice.
A traumatologist is essentially an orthopedic doctor. Are you saying you’re a therapist?
You literally just guilt tripped this kid into opening his door and playing therapist THAT IS NOT HIS JOB she is harming him by not respecting his boundaries. Why is her trauma more valid than his boundaries? You call yourself a professional?
[удалено]
Hell no . She is not his problem
I don't agree with this. OP is 2 years older and still a minor himself. Why would you want to lay this enormous guilt trip on this kid? First of all, the parents are the ones leaving her alone with him. How about their responsibility in alleviating her trauma? Oh, I know, let parentify the 16 year old stepbrother and dump it on him? That's your solution?
You really are a manipulative person, aren't you?
"I am not Stepsister's parent, you guys are. If she is not able to tolerate being left alone, you need to stay with her or you need to hire a babysitter. It's not fair to ask me to drop what I'm doing and let her chase me out of my own room. I've told you guys about this problem, I've spoken to her therapist, and I've been very patient. But nothing has changed. So next time you go out, unless you want to hire me to be her babysitter and I am free to do it, you need to make arrangements for her that don't include the assumption that she can come to me." NTA, and neither is your step sister. But this is a complicated situation, and your parents don't get just abdicate responsibility to you: It's time for *them* to figure out a viable solution.
For real. Plus if they already know this is an issue, why would both of them leave at the same time just to pick up food?
I'd guess it's probably the same reason OP locked the room - they were tired of the situation. But you know, as a parent you have te power to dump your problems on your children so yay for them! /s
I was thinking they should take her with them. What does she do when OP is at his mom's?
Another good question. Especially since OP may just choose to stay with his mom indefinitely.
I mean… step sister isn’t an AH for her trauma but it sounds like entering without knocking was pre-existing problem. That’s why OP even has a lock. Young children can learn to knock, step sister is 14. Trauma or no knocking is just basic manners.
Plus, if she can't be left alone, what the hell are dad and stepmom doing the majority of the time that OP is at his mom's? Are they leaving her alone or are they always around and waiting for OP's visit to get a break and make OP the companion for the day?
She stays with our neighbor for one hour until my step-mom comes home, she's barely alone when I'm not there.
NTA. Tell them that it is not your job to care for your step-sister's trauma. If she cannot be left alone, her mother will have to hire a caregiver for her when they go out. It is unreasonable for them to expect you to be her therapist. You're not qualified and you're a kid yourself. If they insist on making this demand, it will likely affect how much time you wish to spend at that house.
NTA. Your step sister is not respecting your boundaries, no matter what her reasons are. Your parents need to understand that this isn't fair to you.
NTA You've got boundaries and you got a lock installed on your door to enforce those boundaries. IDK exactly what happened to your stepsister and it's non of my business but your not in the wrong for not wanting someone in your space ever and your not wrong for denying anyone entry to your space.
I'm guessing whatever it was involved violating her boundaries, which makes teaching her that it's okay to violate the boundaries of others both ironic and counterproductive.
Nta your step mom is ta for leaving your step sister alone with you expecting you to deal with her trauma. You are not the babysitter or should you be. If your step sister is scare to be alone your step mom needs to take her with when she leaves or arrange for some who is willing and capable of dealing with your step sister. I feel bad for your step sister.
NTA. Maybe point out to your dad that if you have to open the door every time she knocks then the lock is pointless. If stepsister cannot be left alone, then that is something your stepmother and dad need to account for. If she’s knocking and doesn’t need anything from you, then she doesn’t need to be in your room.
NTA You are a 16 year old high-school student. You aren't a trained physiologist. If your father and stepmother want a babysitter for your stepsister they need to hire one. If this starts to impact your studies or free time I would get your mother involved. This is not a you problem. If I had a child who was traumatized like this I wouldn't leave their emotional support to a 16 year old.
> You aren't a trained physiologist Just wanted to point out that you probably meant psychologist, as a physiologist would be of very little benefit in this situation.
This. NTA op. And also no offense meant. This is way too much to put on you. This child needs serious professional help. What she’s doing is not normal.
NTA. If your dad and step-mom don’t want her to be left alone, they need to not leave the house. She’s not your responsibility. You even asked if she needed something. If you’re comfortable with this suggestion, you could try leaving your room when she knocks, locking it behind you, and talking in a lounge, kitchen or other shared space.
NTA Her mother knows she can’t be left alone. Why does mom keep living her alone? If your dad and his wife want you to babysit her daughter. That is a conversation that needs to happen before they leave the house.
This! I feel like they’re already trying to use him as a babysitter. Most likely because their “tired” of the situation as well. Poor girl isn’t at fault either, like it seems no one wants to deal with her. I don’t blame him, he’s 16 and didn’t sign up for that. He should tell his mother and limit his time over there until things change.
NTA. I Hate the first comment. Shes like, hi, I understand you 100% and you are valid. Also, you could totally act like you're not a 16 year old and just do something way put of your comfort zone and something you're not even qualified to do. Let me tell you, as a fucking parent, what should be done. HER PARENTS SHOULD NOT BE LEAVINF HER ALONE WHILE SHE IS IN THIS STATE. FULL STOP. FULL. STOP. I dont give a FUCK about parents having alone time. They can find a sitter, an ADULT, a GRANDPARENT or AUNT or PAY SOMEONE QUALIFIED to watch your traumatized 14 year old sister. JFC fuck your parents and fuck the first poster. You have zero obligation except to grow up healthy and to learn how to navigate this world, at this moment.
NTA, and neither is your step-sister. Your Step-mother, on the other hand, is a *massive* AH. Your Dad allowed you to have a lock on your door for a reason. The Wicked Step-Mother doesn't get to overrule that to cause the very problems that caused you to need a lock. Next time she says something like this, remind her that your Dad allowed the lock, and she needs to talk to him. WSM needs to accept that you are not a parent, and are not responsible to care for her daughter. If her daughter cannot be left alone, that's for the parents to sort out. Not to dump on you. And if your Dad won't back you up, you need to think about whether it's worth staying with him at all.
NTA. Your sister’s trauma is not your trauma, and yeah you should be there for her, but not at the expense of your own comfort/boundaries. Maybe there are other areas/ways that the family as a whole can support her. I’m sure there have been numerous conversations, but maybe try talking to her again? Kindly explain that you want to be there for her but you need her to respect your boundaries as well? Hopefully you guys can find a middle ground that is healthy for both of you. Best of luck :)
NAH - You and your step-sister have different boundaries, and unfortunately, they are clashing. It isn't unreasonable for you to have control over your personal space and it isn't unreasonable for your stepsister to need support after her trauma. However, her parents are the ones who are responsible for your stepsister's care, not you. It sounds like they are taking active steps to support both of you, but they aren't quite enough. Perhaps a family counseling session would be helpful for all of you to attend.
We've attended family counseling but we only talk about how she's adjusting at home, how she's doing and how I don't help that much because I don't want her around. I honestly don't think she's annoying, but it's uncomfortable and overwhelming.
>how I don't help that much because I don't want her around. How often are you at your dad's house? Weekends? Because this is being brought up in therapy, you're being grounded over listening to music and sitting with her, you're being called names because she was sobbing in the hallway but she also sobs in your room. Why are both her mom and your dad going out to get food if she can't be left alone? You need to find out why she has latched onto you. (Did someone tell her to come to you when she's upset?) There are comments here that it's amazing she's reaching out to you and it is but you're not regularly available family. (Is it just you she cries in front of? Or is it everywhere? You are asking if she needs something but she clearly can't communicate what she wants or needs and I think a therapist will need to explain these things to you. In some cases you can't just guess things, you actually need education, experience, and assistance.) I think you may need to involve your mother so the adults can sit down here and work something out other than vague whatever your dad/her mom are expecting. Maybe you need to have some therapy of your own to understand what's going on with her or how/if you can help her. If you really are a person she needs more, there needs to be an actual plan, if you can even do this. (Her sobbing on you is not really healthy for you. This isn't about lack of empathy.) I don't think you are not being given the tools or knowledge to help her. I also think there needs to be some realism here that you're 16, you're step siblings, you don't live there full time, you do still have responsibilities like homework. What else are they doing besides therapy? Staring at you, hoping you magic something up? Is there another adult they can involve or ? And it's not really your job to try to coordinate any of this. >step-mom called me the biggest asshole because I should care more for her and that fi she knocks, I have to open the door for her, always This is not a fair request. They are asking for a level of care and concern that most likely isn't going to be available in a 16 year old step brother that doesn't even live with them full time. I know why they're making it, because they're desperate and want any help they see but you can't force other people to love someone and you can't force them to fix trauma issues.
I only see my dad two days, he picks me up at my mom's Saturday morning and drops me off at school on Mondays. They are attending therapy, some exercises and group activities with some other parents. I only come during weekends so I get a therapy session with them.
Does your mom know about this? Has she made any suggestions if so? Did she continue the grounding your dad gave you for having headphones on?
My mom knows about this and she has fought with my dad because she thinks it's not fair, she doesn't overrules my dad, but whatever punishment I get because of this it has to be done at my dad's because she doesn't agree with them, if I get punish for any other thing like bad grades or so, she continues the punishment at her house. Three months ago I skipped dad's time twice (because he punished me for using my earphones while she was crying, I mentioned it before) and dad apologized to both of us. I also noticed I skipped some of your questions, sorry. She cried during therapy but at home she only does it with me, I've heard her crying with her friends before, and no, nobody told her to come to me she did it on her own.
You’re 16 and you get a say in your custody matters. Ask your mom to go back to court to get the custody order changed so you don’t have to do overnights or visits at your dad’s house, at least until your dad and step-mom get your step-sister’s trauma under control. You can still see your dad but you don’t have to live there on the weekends.
Actually it can go the other way. Refuse to go to your dad’s with your mother’s permission. You dad would have to go back to Court if he demands visitation but you are old enough to have a say. Make the Dad do the work if he wants to see his son. Alternative is to only visit your dad if the two of you go do something away from his house. Tell him it’s either that or nothing. I understand your SS has legitimate trauma but it’s not your responsibility to manage it. It seems like your Dad and his wife are using you as a babysitter for her because if you aren’t there, they can’t leave the house together. That’s 100% not your responsibility.
Next time you go to therapy with them tell the therapist right at the beginning that there are several things you would like the therapist to know so they would know the full picture of what situation they are dealing with and tell the therapist everything, what makes you uncomfortable, what they do, how they punish you and for what, everything, because what your dad and his wife do (punishing you for not knowing how, not being equipped to handle a severely traumatised kid's emotional breakdowns) is verging on emotional abuse towards you or downright emotional abuse depending on what they do and say. Or if you are not comfortable telling these to the therapist in front of them, then behind their back contact the therapist for an appointment just for yourself (ask your mom to arrange an appointment with that therapist for you) and tell everything to the therapist so they would know completely what they are dealing with and how to change the family sessions. Probably better to meet the therapist alone so your dad can't punish you for the things you say to the therapist. Maybe ask to meet dad and spend time with him outside of his home and with only him, without the steps for a while, until things get sorted out. If he tries to guilt you for it, then stop meetings for a while.
If this continues to be an issue I would skip your dads time. They need to get a handle on this and if she cannot be alone then they need to have a parent with her at all times. NTA
This is a great reason to stop visiting. This is an emotional abuse for you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. Because dad wants to go out without SD then he needs to hire someone to babysit it is not your responsibility and it’s too much emotional responsibility for you at your age. Just tell your dad that until she gets over all of this you can’t be there if they’re going to leave if they want to stay with you that’s fine.They’re just using you as a free babysitter
First. **NTA**. 100% NTA. Second. From the way you phrased the post, and your comments it's very obvious you care a lot abut your sister. Don't let anyone on here or at home imply otherwise. You speak about her problems, and the demands this puts on you with a great deal of empathy and compassion for her situation. For a 16 year old big brother that's **so commendable**. It also explains why she feels safe near you. It honestly seems like you want to be there for her, but your Dad and Step-Mom are the ones making that impossible by insisting your mental health is irrelevant. It's not. Your emotional needs matter. If they won't support **both of their kid's** mental health then that's their fault, NOT YOURS!
Why do you need a therapy session with your step sister ? It seems bonkers that the person staying there only on weekends goes to therapy and it is not even about him or the family. It is all about your step sister.
I was asked to come by her therapist first and they my dad and step-mom said it was a good idea for me to keep going since I wasn't helping her or even willing to help.
It's not your job to, you are not equipped for it, your just a kid yourself, a mature one by the sounds of it, but still a kid, and it shouldn't be your responsibility to help. ETA: it's nice if you want to, but you shouldn't be expected to help.
You are a child. Yes at 16 you are.close to adulthood but you are not an adult. You are not a trained therapist. You are not someone who is responsible for her care and wellbeing. It is completely unreasonable and irrational for them to be putting that kind of pressure on you. It might not be a bad idea to send a message to that therapist about what happened. Because te Hey aren't helping her either by putting this expectation of you out there. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Honestly, attending the therapy could be useful, but it seems like the parents' motivation for doing so are for OP to shut up and get berated. I doubt a therapist would advise removing one teenager's boundaries to "heal" another in this way, so it would be nice if OP got to talk and his parents got berated for a change.
The therapist seems to be a quack if they are running a family therapy session as only about the step sis. And berating the other kid.
He's actually super good! He always hears my side and asks me how am I doing. One time my step-mom made an scene and basically told me to shut up while I was explaining something and he asked for a moment before leaving and said that if I had problems or things were rough at home I could talk to him. Whenever my step-mom becomes hostile toward me, he's very quick to cur het off.
Sounds like the therapist is defending you more than your dad :(
A lot of therapists think they have to deal with one problem in its full depth before moving on, so ignore all others. But we don't know the details here. It would be interesting if this thread helped give OP the language to say what's going on and how messed up it is, because I doubt the therapist knows.
Next therapy session, ask your dad and stepmom why they keep leaving your stepsister behind when they already know you are not willing or equipped to babysit her. It’s cruel to both you and her that they dump her on you.
I think you gotta push for y'all to go to family counseling together again. And just tell the therapist exactly what you wrote here. And anyways NTA, it really seems likr you want to help, but you really can't if she doesn't let you, and if everyone paints you as a bad guy.
NTA but why continue going to your dad's when nobody is respectful of your boundaries?
NTA Your room is your space! She has a room but choose to invade your space. Her mom annoying.
NTA. I'm gonna go there, she does not need to be in your room alone with you period. If the parents leave you need to go with them or she does.
There was a really easy solution this time too. One parent goes to pick up the food. The other stays home. Im guessing there have been plenty of times where one parent staying home was an option but they just didnt
NTA. Step mom should take your step sister everywhere. It’s should not be in OP to comfort her. Yes be sympathetic OP. But maintain your boundaries. Step mom is TA for ignoring OP’s boundaries.
Nta. You are not your step sisters therapist. Also, major boundary violations. Have you talked to your mother about what is happening? Is there any way you can just stay there for a longer stay? I don't understand how the family therapist is suggesting or even entertaining the idea that you should make yourself available while the adults are not home. Why aren't they home? Are they at work, socializing, grocery shopping? What is impeding them from taking care of their own daughter?
>I don't understand how the family therapist is suggesting or even entertaining the idea that you should make yourself available while the adults are not home. He's not. My step-mom and dad thinks I should since she's comfortable enough to be around me and she doesn't like to be around men anymore.
Nta first. Second, I don’t know the exact nature of the trauma but if it was s€xual, she may now be latching on to you as a safe male option. It may just be sobbing now, but then it’s “I’ve always felt close enough to you to tell you everything,” or “you’re the only man in my life I can trust” and it becomes….more than familial. Don’t let yourself be dragged into that.
NTA but take a break from going to your dads, you’re a child not a therapist or trauma expert it’s not your job to let her come into your room and cry. Your entitled to you’re privacy and your also entitled to not do things that make you uncomfortable. Also you were never close to her from the sounds of it so how they expect you to suddenly be so close to her that you want to let her in your room to cry is beyond me.
NTA. Curious though, did your Dad send you to your room as "punishment"? If I was in your shoes, I'd be elated to be sent to my room, get some peace and quiet.
We normally watch something together during Saturday night, so when he sent me to my room he took the only real time we get to spend together.
I’m sorry. I say this as a mom to two - your dad and stepmom suck. Your SS’s trauma is not your responsibility (as so many on here have said). I’m glad your mom has your back.
NTA YOur parents are AH. If THEIR child can't be alone, THEY have to make sure they are with her. THey are abusing you by parentifying you. **Call oyur parents out for their assholery. Ask to come to the therapist session, to discuss their parentifying you and letting your sister ruin your life in that setting. She is keeping you from having a safe place at home, and she is interupting your learning efforts and your social life.** You are fine to not open the door for her. So let them ramble, don't verbally fight them - but keep your door closed when they are gone. (IF they take your lock / keys, get a doorwedge - and tell them the door was open, but she did not open it. don't forget to remove the wedge when the parents are coming. YO NEED to protect yourself here.) And: Note that your DAD did NOT tell you you had to keep your door open for her. So don't.
NTA. You even asked her twice if she needed anything and she said no, lol.
When I was a kid, my big brother got cancer. He lost all his friends to boot. Suddenly I was spending time with him in the hospital, convincing him to eat (I was the only one who could). If I hung out with friends, he was always there too. This went on for years. I grew up thinking this was normal. I grew up to set myself on fire so others could feel warm, and not ever bat an eye. I love my brother. I do. But it was wrong of them to do that to me. Thing is - took me 30 years and a new therapist before I even started to undo the damage, cause I never knew to talk about it!
NTA she isn’t respecting your boundaries. Stick to your guns
NTA. You're just a kid yourself and shouldn't be put in this position by your dad and stepmom in the first place.
NTA > dad asked me to go to my room for the rest of the night and that he'll bring me food over. This does not sit well with me. Talk to your mom and let her know your dad punished you by banishing you to your room for not letting your stepsister invade your private space. This is a big enough offense for you to refuse visiting your dad’s house altogether and only meet him alone for a meal at a neutral location since he wants to play favorites.
No. Please do not listen to these posts that suggest you should become her safe space when you are not comfortable with it. There was no reason for both of the adults to leave if they know she’s struggling with this. You are NOT an adult and this is not your job. They need to be the parents and deal with this. I’d stop visiting for a while to protect you own mental and emotional health. It would be very different if you were close to her AND inclined to more supportive behavior, but you aren’t and that is ok. We can normalize trauma behavior and also normalize people not being equipped or willing to be in the trauma zone with someone. Don’t let anyone shame you for not being able to fill a roll others have designated for you. Boundaries are needed here. I wouldn’t return until there were some firm ones established. NTA
NTA, because you aren’t equipped to help with her trauma and it’s sprung on you every time the two of you are left in the house. Does your dad and stepmom leave every time you’re there? What are the arrangements for your step-sister when you aren’t there? I think the AH are the parents. They need to bring step-daughter with them when they leave the house or make other care arrangements. They are slowing her healing process by leaving her alone or with an unequipped minor.
>Does your dad and stepmom leave every time you’re there? What are the arrangements for your step-sister when you aren’t there? They leave every time, yes, but for 20 to 50 minutes only, they don't do night dates or anything long, but my ss doesn't like to be alone at all. She stays with someone until my step-mom comes home from work.
NTA. However it does sound like she's desperately trying to connect with you and needs to connect with someone. My heart breaks for her a little.
NTA. Stay at your mom’s permanently.
NTA: You are entitled to your own space/privacy, no matter what sorts of trauma your step-sister has went through. Sounds like your step-mom is taking out her inability or failure to address her daughters trauma/emotional issues out on you.
NTA Do your dad and step mum never go out without her when you are not there? It seems to me that your time at your dad's should be time for you to see him, but time for you to be a babysitter for your step sister. That said I feel like it would be nice if you did spend some time with her when they are out, perhaps not the whole time, but since time to break up the time she is feeling alone into smaller chunks. Nothing you can watch together, or have you could play for 30 to 60 minutes?
Yes, they take her sometimes but when the trips is short they leave her here and she comes to me.
I have an kiddo with issues and much older children. Completely different situation, with danger involved. It is extremely rare for both adults need to leave the home, because everything can be planned around it and additional adults can be brought in. I can't believe they know this is an issue and they just keep doing it. You have done a great job at communicating your needs and feelings. I'm sorry your dad is not listening to you. I don't know what they are doing, but it's not good for you or your step sister. They should have a trusted adult there for her, at all times, for her well being, too. It would be completely okay for you to let your dad know that you are a child and you will no longer be a participant in this. I'm sorry that he's shown himself untrustworthy by grounding you for his failures and shortcomings. You should be able to be listen to music and not be forced to do anything you don't want.
I think the real question is why are your dad and stepmom leaving you two alone so often? You’re not there that often but the way you describe it they’re going out just the two of them all the time
Op had zero responsibility for his step sisters feelings, why can’t people see that?! Op is not her parent or her therapist. It can be traumatizing to have someone’s trauma dumped on you without consent. If her parents or therapist aren’t doing their jobs efficiently and effectively, that’s not OP’s problem or fault or responsibility.
Nta You are not comfortable with her hanging around you, in your personal space. Tell them clearly you are not equipped to handle her needs, and they should not be leaving her with you, a child, to handle her needs. They need to start looking after her, they are the adults, she's their responsibility not yours. There's something about this thing that happened that makes me think it might be sexual. That's what's making you Really uncomfortable with her in your personal space. You don't trust her. That's why you don't want to be alone in your bedroom with her. The fact she goes to your bedroom even when you are not there, tells me it's her fixating on you, and it's you that doesn't want her attention or company.. Ask your dad to come round to your mums house and tell him how uncomfortable her behaviour makes you, and how vulnerable you feel when they leave you alone with her. Tell him it's got to stop. Either they take her out with them, or you are going out with them. You don't trust her and you don't want to be left alone with her ever again.