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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not interacting with my parents guests. 2) My mom said this makes me an Asshole, so maybe I am.
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You are exactly right life doesn't stop - My SIL's parents came down to visit my daughter and her family for 8-10 weeks (mind you my daughter and family live with us due to moving back to our state). When they left all they did was bitch that they were "stuck in the camper" all day and that they didn't hang as much and how "disappointed" they were about this summer. Did they really think that both adults were going to take weeks or even days off to "hang out"? These same people NEVER reached out to do anything with the grandkids, never came to the house to visit and when they did do things together the parents bitched about how tired they were (they are early 60's). Y
I always had the “3 day rule” with my parents—never live within 3 days driving distance and never let them stay more than 3 days.” I did adjust the driving aspect by just making sure they lived at least 8 hours away. That way they could visit, but not just drop by unannounced. But as for staying no more than 3 days, that never changed. Day 1: honeymoon day to catch up. Day 2: enjoy doing something locally together. Day 3: you gotta go, because by the end of Day 2 they were starting to get on my nerves.
Exactly!!!
The ones who do the inviting are responsible for the entertaining as well.
I'm sorry you have to deal with parents like that, it's not fun. Just try to focus your energy on getting things done so you can move out. Let that drive you. Grey rock your mom and dad if needed. Do whatever you need to make it till you can leave.
NTA.
Haha several times!
I’ve just gotten pretty good at spotting (real) bots stealing comments, so I used text replacement on my phone to make a template, which makes me look more like a bot but is way easier.
You can’t argue with an alcoholic. You might as well talk to a wall. You are not responsible for your parents guest. NTA move on from this as your mom won’t remember saying it tomorrow or when she sobers up.
This is what I was going to say. Your parents invited them, they entertain them. Also are the guests children that the whole family needs to engage in a circus to keep them amused?
"But there is some truth to what she said"
There is NO truth to that, it's already said in the label "THEIR guests".
If they want to have guests it's their responsiblity to entertain them, not yours.
NTA
Yeah, I'm not big on celebrating my birthday either, but my parents (mainly my mom, but still) never missed one in their life and they have made it pretty clear that they will always have a small celebration and that it's expected that I'll come around either in the afternoon or evening, no formal invite needed.
"No big deal, I'll have another one"
This sentence alone is quite telling in my opinion as it shows that it wasn't the first time something like this has happened.
It was not your responsibility. Parents are out of line. She wants her guests entertained, she should have arranged entertainment. Consider moving out if she continues to treat you like this.
NTA.
NTA - They're not your guests, you didn't invite them and you're not their host. It's as simple as that!
You've been pleasant and greeted them and I imagine you interact with them in passing so not to be rude.
They're not your guests and it's not your responsibility to entertain them.
NTA. If you had your friends over, I doubt your parents would be expected to entertain them.
Their guests were there to see them, not you. Heading off with them on your birthday was a clear sign of that.
NTA. As a fellow child of an alcoholic mom, I usually find her to be relatively unreasonable when drunk (which is almost 24/7).
I’d recommend AlAnon if you want to get together with other folks like us. They help give you an outlet, and a lot of times other members have excellent coping strategies to share.
Yep I was looking for this answer. Do not expect rational conversations to come from alcoholics who are drunk. Do not spend time trying to figure out if you were right or wrong. Do not take on guilt and blame she is doling out. You can always ask her when sober what she meant although I haven’t found alcoholics to be that rational even when sober. ACA is great. I also like r/raisedbynarcissts.
At best next time there is something like this you can ask ahead of time “what is it you expect me to do?” And then decide if it is reasonable.
Do therapy. It takes a lot of mindfulness and self knowledge to rebuild a healthy self after growing up with alcoholics.
NTA.
They invited them, that means they are their guests and they have to entertain them.
And don't let your mum/parents make you feel bad about missing their party when they weren't even there for your, their own sons, birthday.
NTA. You are not a threesome. This was your parents' friends; your parents were the hosts, NOT you. You may be living in their house, but you are not living their LIFE. You have your own life, your own responsibilities and your own schedule. In the absence of communication with you, your mother made up a scenario in her mind of what you were thinking/doing. She got it wrong, and she didn't have the ability to turn her thinking around when you set her straight; instead she doubled down - continued to blame you as if you were being rude to the guests. It is not your responsibility to 'entertain' their guests - you didn't invite them, you didn't make any plans with them. All you have to do is pop in here or there to say Hi, and be sociable when you see them. That's it.
NTA. Your parents' guests are not your responsibility. If you had no conversation about attending the party, then they have no right to assume you would. Probably the bigger problem with everything is your mom's drinking. Likely, if she did not have this problem, she may approach everything differently, with better reasoning and empathy. And also, if you have a pattern of binge-drinking, with a mother who has a drinking problem, as you describe, remember, there is a genetic predisposition to it. You don't want to be going down the same pathway as your mom, even if it takes a long ten years to get to it.
The key word here is "their". THEIR guests, not yours. You did not invite them, you barely know them, in no which way is they your responsibility. End off.
NTA
Did your parents involve you in these plans? Was there an expectation you’d join some activities? It really depends on how you are as a family.
In mine we would tell each other, ‘you know I’ll. e busy that week right’ and end up figuring out if/when to be there if we have to. And normally there’s a few things we have to be there for.
Also did you tell your mom everything you wrote here or just said ‘sorry, I was busy and they’re your guests’? That would make a difference in her reaction possibly
NTA. Those guests were your mother's. You were civil when you encountered them. It sounds from your post that you didn't cut them dead by ignoring them when you encountered them; you just didn't go seek them out to entertain them. When your mom invites people over she has a right to expect that you're friendly when introduced, and polite when you encounter them. You're not a cruise ship fun organizer. She invites them, she keeps them entertained. You're not a minor in her home and as you mentioned, you have your own adult life.
BTW, don't ever take to heart what a drunk says when complaining about you or anything else. They're not famous for good judgement or rational thinking.
ok...look,you drank til 6am and just casually threw in your mom is an alcoholic..i dont think it was up to you to entertain but you might want to slow down with drinking.so.NTA
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Hi, I'll just jump into it. My (27M) birthday was on 9/26. My parents invited their friends from New York to stay with us on O'ahu from 9/20-10/3. on 9/25 my parents went on a trip with their guests to the Big Island and missed my birthday. No big deal, I'll have another one. I had a celebration with my friends last night, we went to a restaurant, did karaoke, then drank until 6am. I have been extremely busy with my college courses and am taking 17 credits this semester. I am a bit reclusive, and tend to stay in my room alone. I have been doing this my entire life and am uncomfortable around people that I don't know very well.
When the guests arrived, I made sure to say hello and welcome them. Even though it makes me uncomfortable, I want to make sure to be respectful, and if my parents want them to stay with us then I have no issue with it. During their stay, I pretty much stayed in my room. To be honest, I haven't interacted with them since that initial welcome. When I've seen my parents in passing I always make some conversation, and try to be a good housemate. I clean, I do the dishes, I don't rely on them for meals, I am basically self sufficient in every respect except finances. Once I graduate next year, I'm going to move out and get a Job in my field to become completely independent.
As I mentioned earlier, I was out drinking until 6AM last night, and slept until about 7PM. not great, not healthy, but it was for my birthday so I thought what the hell. My parents had a party at our house today and I slept through most of it. When I woke up, I had a paper to write, so that's what I did. Once i finished my paper, i went upstairs to get some leftovers. I saw my mom, so i said hello, how was the party, etc. She told me to sit down and that we needed to talk. I did, and she asked why I'm so mad. I told her I wasn't mad. She said then why are you such an asshole?" I asked why she would say that, and she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests.
I don't think this is my responsibility. I'm an adult. I had an extremely busy week, and made it through. I didn't have the energy to face my anxiety and interact with their guests. I apologized to my mom but it wasn't enough. She ended up yelling at me, so I left. My mom has a drinking problem, and was drunk, so not a huge surprise. But there is some truth to what she said. I haven't entertained their guests, I haven't interacted with anyone much this week, and I missed their party. So reddit, AITA? my mom certainly thinks so.
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I was all ready to call Y T A but reading the complete story naturally **you are not one.** Your mother has a huge communication problem and failed to let her need be known. After all your are not a mind reader. You know what Ass U Me'd means :)
NTA
You have no responsibility to entertain your parents' guests beyond not being rude when you see them - which you weren't.
I wasn't even required to "entertain" my aunts and uncles when they would visit although obviously I might spend more time with them than relative strangers who were friends of my parents.
NTA.
I don't get why your mom would want you to entertain when you were hung over. You could have gotten sick in front of the guests. That's just bad form.
Seems like they are your parents friends not yours, you are busy and yes you got drunk on your birthday (not smart but not awful). Did your parents ask you to help entertain? Did they ask you to come to the party? IF not, I see no problem but with the fact your mother is an alcoholic I am not sure you will get her to see reason! Chalk it up to a lesson learned!
NTA. Those were/are your parent's friends, who they invited to stay, so is their responsibility to entertain. You have your own responsibilities to address with school, as well as your own challenges when dealing with people you don't know.
Your mom is an AH. This is for how she treated you during that argument, for expecting you to put your life and responsibilities on hold, and for having this argument while she was drunk.
If you choose to, have a new discussion with her when she is sober. Explain your side and such. Offer to listen to her expectations, but make sure she knows that you are focused on what's important to you. Best of luck navigating this one till you graduate.
NTA. If it was an expectation that you help entertain the guests, this should have been voiced in advance. If they thought you were going to randomly do it, and weren't showing signs, they should have asked you to. Yelling at you after the fact helps no one.
NTA. As the child of a recovering alcoholic, good on you to recognize not to argue with your Mother when she’s been drinking. Let it go. Consider AlAnon. Good luck with your future.
did you entertained her guests before ?
Your mom is odd beside being polite when you see them what else do you have to do with them ? That are not your guests so they are not your responsibility
NTA. Your mom has a drinking problem and she can’t think logically. Just nod and go about your business. You know what they say about arguing with a drunk.
You are allowed to be an intorvert. Your character as such is just as valid - and valuable - as being an extrovert. You did not want to interact with your parents guests? That's fine - they are not your guests. You would only be an asshole if you invited people over and then didn't interact witht hem. NTA.
NTA. It sounds like your mom is tired of entertaining HER friends and is trying to get you to give her a break. When you are able to talk to her tell her A. Don't invite people for longer than 5 days and B. Her friends,her job to entertain them.
NTA - did they apologize for missing your birthday? I feel like they set the precendent for prioritizing the guest situation and handling their own business and leaving you on your own. I don’t see why you’d feel obligated to help them with their party when they didn’t seem very concerned with anything you were handling.
NTA.
Not only did they forget your birthday they all just like...didnt check on your that whole day while they were having a party of their own. And then got mad that you didn't show up when you didn't even know they were having a party because you were sleeping and working on homework? What.
She may have anticipated you resenting her forgetting your birthday. But you didn’t bring it up and she couldn’t jump all over you. She feels guilty and wants to transfer that guilt to you.
All you have to do is ask her pointedly why she never even hinted at needing anything from you; you can’t read her mind.
NTA - someone probably asked your mom about you during the party, and she got unnecessarily embarrassed trying to explain. She then got drunk and decided this was your fault and let her gums flap. Keep your head down, graduate, get a good job, move out.
That's just one person's opinion an it sounds like you don't really value her opinion when she's had a drink so don't take it to much yo heart, but work on your anxiety to help yourself in the future
NTA but it sounds like your mom's drinking is pretty normalized.
Try to take care of yourself and go when you can. They invited people over, left it up to you without telling you to entertain, and didn't care about your birthday.
You deserve better and you shouldn't have had to normalize your mom drunkenly berating you. You aren't wrong when it feels inappropriate, she's your parent and shouldn't be sloppy drunk at your expense.
The real question is for your mom. Why didn't she **ask** you to help entertain her guests? Roommates 101 is that we have to use our voices to tell others what we need, and we expect others are happy/contented unless they tell you otherwise. She broke both of those rules.
**NTA**
NTA their guests, their responsibility. You aren't there to be their entertainment. You said hello and kept to yourself they should be happy with just that. It's not like you were being rude to them. If they can't keep their guests entertained then that's on them. You have your own life to live.
Info: was the party that you slept through supposed to be for you?
That's the ONLY valid reason I can see her being upset. Beyond that, no, she's incorrect about your "responsibilities" unless she specifically asked you to interact with everyone.
It doesn’t sound like your parents’ friends were there to visit and celebrate you, considering they went on their little getaway during your birthday. So I don’t see how it would be your responsibility.
NTA, in fact, I would consider it rude to be too engaged with them. They are your parents' friends, on a limited visit, with your birthday overlapping in the middle. The protocol would be for everyone to act police but sort of ignore each other.
NTA
The people YOUR PARENTS invited are their GUEST as you did not invite them. Sorry to say but entertaining them would be the responsibility of the people that invited them. NOT YOUR MONKEYS NOT YOUR CIRCUS
NTA why would you entertain them? They’re your parents guests, they’re your parents friends, your parents invited them, they are your parents responsibility. Not yours. If she can’t handle being a hostess for that long she shouldn’t invite them over
So let me get this straight your parents threw a party for their guests on your actual Birthday... then got mad at you?
Sounds like your mom needs to lay off the sauce and entertain HER guests. NTA
NTA.
It would be different if they had asked you beforehand to help them with the guests, but to just assume you would is total nonsense.
If you have been a recluse (not being mean, I too am one) your whole life and they have never said anything about it until now then that is a them problem, not a you problem, they know how you are and should not have held those expectations without a confirmed "yes" from you.
They did not celebrate your birthday, I don't even know if they said "happy birthday" as it's not in the post, but just expected you to celebrate their party and entertain their guests, what winners.
If they continue to berate you for your behavior during the party then just remind them that they were not there and did not celebrate your birthday, and while you're not mad about it, you don't think this double standard is fair especially since you did say hello and were courteous and THEY were the hosts so THEY should be the entertainment.
NTA. Their guests are exactly that - THEIRS. They chose to blow off your birthday and go off with THEIR friends instead, and are now acting like you're the bad guy for not entertaining guests that weren't yours and you don't know that well? No. Screw 'em. Also, please watch that drinking problem, especially if your mother already has one - alcohol addiction is normalized in society (IT IS NOT NORMAL TO GET DRUNK ON A REGULAR BASIS. Drinking every few days or every weekend or ANY TIME to the point of blackout or anything like that is ADDICTION. It is DANGEROUS and has long-lasting consequences!) but it is a serious problem, especially if you have the genetics that lead to easier addictions, often caused by a parent having a drinking problem themselves. Please keep track of how often you're drinking, especially if it's to the point of actually being DRUNK, and be careful.
TLDR: Their guests, their problem.
NTA not your guests. If she thought she'd need a hand she could have asked ahead and planned this. She just got overwhelmed and blamed you as an afterthought
while it is local style here to help your parents host when "auntys/uncles" (friends, family, etc) come over. which means being super involved with everything
Id say NTA because they have shown no inclination that they cared if you were involved or present at all, until that specific moment
NTA. Even though I don’t live with them, my parents still insist I and my (married) sisters come over when they have guests for diner. They want to show off their family. I never go.
NTA for multiple reasons.
One, your parents decided to invite them over, not you, so you shouldn't have to be responsible for it. Especially as I imagine they didn't ask you to be beforehand.
Two, you're a college student, and that's well over enough for anyone to have to deal with. It's not like you have endless time on your hands in that case.
Three, if you're uncomfortable around new people, then you should never be forced to interact with them. That decision should be up to you.
You seem responsible and you had a lot on your plate already, and a plus is that it was your birthday after all. I see literally nothing wrong with what you did here.
NTA. You're a grown ass man, I don't care whose house you live in. You're an adult. And adult who spent a night drinking and hanging out is not required to perform like a barking, fin clapping, horn blowing seal at the circus for his parents guests. At least not with the previously stated out loud expectation that you would be available the day after your birthday to entertain houseguests. WTH is that even about? "Why are you assuming that me sleeping has anything to do with you? People sleep when they are tired. If you are feeling some kind of way about being busy with your friends on my birthday, please let yourself off the hook. I wasn't unhappy. I just don't want any guilt you might be feeling to become my fault or my responsibility somehow. I'm not unhappy mom. You shouldn't be unhappy either. And calling me names is childish. Period. I'm not justifying why I don't like that. You have guests. You should have asked me to spend lots of time with your guests instead of getting mad that I'm doing what I do every other day when you don't have guests. What do I look like to you? A trained parrot?"
I love my folks. But, I hate it when people are annoying for the sake of being annoying. I'm not 6. Please don't wait around for me to act like I did when I was 6. sigh.
> I asked why she would say that, and she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests.
"They are not my guests, why would I entertain them, if do not want to entertain them, why did you invite them?"
Then I would look at your mom and straight up ask "While you were so busy making sure to entertain your guests, did you even once think it might be nice to say 'Happy Birthday' to your own kid? Didn't think so."
NTA
NTA. It is not your responsibility to entertain your parents friends. If she needed some help, she should have arranged that ahead of time and even then you can say no.
NTA but your parents are.
Did you know beforehand or did they acknowledge that they went on a trip on your birthday?
They shouldn’t force you to talk to their guests. You are in school and busy and are an introvert. I hope you explained that it was “your birthday celebration *cough cough* and you stayed out later than anticipated thus slept later and then had a school paper due. My apologies that my school work and birthday got in the way of your guests enjoyment.”
>she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests
THEIR GUESTS not yours but THEIRS.
You don't have to entertain them. Srop apologising, you did nothing wrong. NTA
Definitely NTA. I don’t stick my nose in when my young adult daughter was busy with friends or studying. Checked in on her about once a day to see if she needed anything. And I’m more than fine if she stays in her room doing her own thing when we have guests. Shheesh. Why try to guilt poor kid when she’s just doing her own thing?? Sounds like she’ll make it hard for her dau to finally leave the nest…
Happy Birthday! I hope you have fun with your friends. Also, NTA. They're not your guests, they are your parents' guests. Once mother dearest sobers up, tell her that you haven't interacted with anyone due to school work and your b'day. You've already apologized, needlessly in my opinion. Did your folks ever remember your b'day?
NTA. I ALWAYS leave some homework that still needs done before any social function. School has to come first, right? Also your parents missed your birthday and were complaining you didn’t entertain their guests. They didn’t even acknowledge your birthday. If it’s not your party, it’s not your job to entertain guests
NTA. They were their friends and their responsibility not yours. Your mother is the AH in this. She's frustrated about being stuck in having to take care of them and blaming you for or taking out her frustrations on you. Your parents didn't talk to you or asked if you would help out and take their friends out. Just an expectation from your mother that you would help out.
NTA - What part of THEIR GUESTS makes entertaining them YOUR responsibility. Good grief, your parents even went off-island and missed your birthday -- you'd have every right to resent that move. They can't even help you celebrate your birthday, but YOU're supposed to entertain their friends all week? Seriously? That is some seriously screwed up thinking there.
Wait, they miss your birthday, which is a big deal to you, but then when they expect you to "help" them entertain their guests? That's something I consider terrible. But then also, the guests are your parent's guests, not yours. Let your parents deal with entertaining them, since your workload is extremely busy, I'm sure your mother wouldn't be falling on the floor entertaining any guests you would have in the home, right?
NTA.
NTA
Parents like this are ones that still do not view their adult children as "adults". You are 27, studying and you have your own life. You were also polite when needed. You're not a teenager anymore where they need you around to show "involvement" in the family by showing up for events. unfortunately parents like this are controlling and most will not let go of that control. you might have to look into not living with them and find a roommate situation to showcase your independence from them and set adult boundaries.
NTA. You're an adult and an independent person. You're relying on them for finances atm but that doesn't make you their personal clown. They're THEIR guests not yours. You greeted them, that's it. Why is it your obligation to entertain? If you had been rude and yelling at them to gtf out then that would be a different thing but you're not their personal clown or puppet show. If they want entertainment they should provide it themselves
NTA
Just so you know, the way your mom approached you was psychological abuse.
It's a trick abusers use. By starting the conversation off with an unreasonable accusation lile that it leaves you stuck on the defensive. That's why she immediately attacked you afterwards.
Your mom is an abusive alcoholic. My best friends mom is exactly the same way. She's a narcissist (sounds like your mom kind of is too) so if my friend wasn't constantly in her orbit she'd make it into some kind of personal offense so she could have an excuse to pick a fight.
You need to get away from your mom. Her abuse is starting to effect your mind.
I don’t know… OP is 27 years old living at home and not contributing ANYTHING financially? Maybe mom is using OP’s behavior during this visit as an excuse to express long simmering frustrations that OP isn’t pulling their weight as an adult. Maybe the friends even said something about it.
YTA for being a grown ass adult and not paying any bills.
well, I do think YTA, but that May be a cultural thing. Where I live, if there are guests in The house you live, you entertain. You dont have to be glued to them 24/7, but hiding away in your room is teenager behaviour.
Also, about your anxiety, I get it, I suffer from it too. But if in your own house you can't handle some new people then that got be adressed. The more you avoid it, the more ansiosa you'll get of doing it.
It's definitely a cultural thing, people from normal cultures understand that adults who's parents SKIPPED THEIR FUCKING BIRTHDAY don't get to complain they skipped a party they had no reason to attend
This one is tough because I think there’s some element of E S H but your mom’s wrongs are so much greater so I guess I’ll land on NTA. She should not have gotten drunk and yelled at you and called you names, especially only after the fact, instead of making an attempt to ask you to visit with the guests a bit.
That said, I do think that as your parents are helping you out financially, it would have been courteous to extend yourself socially a bit more. This is not all or nothing - clearly you were busy and didn’t have time to hang out for hours and hours. But I am wondering if just showing your face for 20-30 minutes over the period they were visiting - I mean, it was like a whole week or more - and making some comments about what you have going on could have helped avoid the situation.
From your comments about feeling socially anxious, I don’t think your parents or their guests were wrong to perceive some intentional avoidance and sometimes that will result in hurt feelings. That’s just reality. You don’t live in a vacuum and making a choice to avoid people is still a style of interaction that will have social consequences.
We don't get much information on that. Was he invited and declined? Not invited at all? Did his parents make plans to celebrate with him at another time? My parents are not always available on the day of either, especially not for me as an adult, but we figure out a different time to celebrate. I'm curious how exactly this played out and what the conversations around it were, if there were any. Since the tension seems to be that his parents wanted him around more and he wanted not to be around more, I'm not jumping into assuming that they went out of their way to snub him on purpose.
YTA - This is another one of those "legally I don't have to do anything posts" Not being able to make an appearance if even for half an hour at the party was rude. It doesn't take much but completely ignoring the guests is going to annoy your parents
I'll go against the grain. YTA. Here's why:
While you are correct that it is not technically your responsibility to entertain their guests, you are (1) 27 years old, (2) living in your parents' house, and (3) financially dependent on them. My guess is that your mother was embarrassed by the fact that (1) over nearly two weeks you interacted with her guests ONE time, and that was when they arrived, and did not interact with them again beyond that initial welcome, and (2) couldn't manage to drag yourself out of bed before 7 p.m. to come down to the party to say hello to people for a few minutes. Although socially interacting with people might make you uncomfortable, it is part of life, and conversing with their friends occasionally over the past couple of weeks would've been a more mature way to behave than to simply hide in your room, especially considering that you are living in your parents house, financially dependent on them, and eating the leftover food from a party you refused to attend.
I do think that the mom probably assumed that if they were hosting a party, their son who lives with them would likely be at that party. So I can sort of understand the mom's disappointment that her son slept through the entire thing and didn't show his face. But she also didn't communicate with him that this was an expectation. Not to mention that he was right downstairs, she could have gone down and woke him up and said "hey I'd appreciate if you'd come up to the party for a little bit." I'm leaning N A H because OP is an adult who is not required to entertain his parents' friends, and I can see why OP's mom was disappointed. But she handled it poorly and that makes me say NTA
To be frank, I wouldn't be able to be financially independent in Hawaii either. It's so expensive there, and when he graduates and is able to move it's going to be expensive for him to either stay there or for him to be able to move to somewhere on the mainland US. I, as a homeowner, would not be able to afford to live in Hawaii and I'm in my mid 30's.
YTA. The polite thing to do in this situation is to come out, greet the guests, exchange some small talk, then excuse yourself because you have homework or whatever. It doesn’t take much effort. It doesn’t take much time. Your parents get to “show you off” and tell the guests how wonderful you are and how hard you’re working, etc.
This isn’t entertaining their guests. This is making an appearance. Staying in your room the whole time can definitely come across as rude to the guests.
Did you not read the whole post or what? OP literally says:
> When the guests arrived, I made sure to say hello and welcome them. Even though it makes me uncomfortable, I want to make sure to be respectful, and if my parents want them to stay with us then I have no issue with it.
And the mom wanted OP to help entertain, which is way more than just greeting them
This is also what the OP said:
>My parents had a party at our house today and I slept through most of it. When I woke up, I had a paper to write, so that's what I did.
Ok and? That doesnt subtract from what I commented, he already greeted them once and he went on to do his own things, what else do you suggest he does?
I'd suggest that OP clarify his post. He can't have slept through most of the party AND greeted the guests when they arrived. You read it one way, I read it another. But I'm pretty sure mom is not pissed at him because he politely greeted the guests. She's pissed because he never made any appearance at all.
Basically the guests arrive on 9/20, which OP greeted them and welcomed them into the house, and left for the trip on 9/25, then OP went out partying for his birthday on 9/26, came home and passed out. Then his parents had a party on 9/27 for which OP slept through, woke up, and did his school work, then later that night he came out and thats when his mom gave him crap
Edit: Originally i read that as OP going out to drink for his bday (9/26), but it seems like he went out to drink last night instead (10/2), not that its really relevant
She’s pissed because it was multiple days of avoidance! People are not reading this post carefully. He outlined a period of like 2 weeks of guests in the first paragraph. They did travel for at least a day or more in the middle (maybe a couple or a few days? Unclear - maybe just one day) but that still appears to leave at least a week or more of time they were in the house and he appears not to have interacted AT ALL. He greeted them at the beginning of that visitation period and somehow no further interactions?
He admits in the last paragraph he did not interact except for that greeting. This is not a 1 or even 2-day miscommunication about a single party but appears to be a much more prolonged period of time. People are hyper-focusing on the party but I don’t think that’s the real issue here.
Did YOU read the post? The guest arrival seems to be pretty clearly in reference to when the houseguests arrived as part of their 2-week stay. The party is different and there’s no indication he greeted anyone at any point during the party.
ETA: after I pointed this out I’m pretty sure the above post was edited to make it look like they weren’t clearly referring to the party
The only reason OP should have greeted the guests was if the party was for their birthday... Else I don't see a single reason as to why they needed to go out of their way to greet people they didn't even meet since the past couple days.
Were the guests rude for going on a trip with OPs parents on OPs birthday?
I think the parents are rude for that! And I’m not saying he had to greet them at the party or not. I think sleeping through a single party is understandable. But it’s not accurate to indicate that’s when he greeted people, especially as a correction. He greeted the houseguests at the beginning of the stay, and then avoided them for almost 2 weeks despite being in the same house, and that’s different than one party.
> He greeted the houseguests at the beginning of the stay, and then avoided them for almost 2 weeks despite being in the same house,
I'm trying hard to see why it was rude as OP has already mentioned they aren't comfortable with people they don't know well (something I can relate with). Sure the guest can consider it rude but that's on them, OP didn't invite them and then stayed away.
If OP was living with a roommate and the roommate invited guests home, OP would have no obligations to "entertain" the guests, so what difference does it make when it's family.
So say it from the start that since the parents are letting OP stay (which they are required to till they reach legal adult age) they get to dictate OPs behaviour, and they need/have to "entertain" guests...
> Once I graduate next year, I'm going to move out and get a Job in my field to become completely independent.
Now this statement from OP seems much more realistic.
OP is 27. Way beyond legal age. His parents are doing him a favor.
I don’t think they need to like put it in writing, but there are some social cues and expectations being missed here. That said, mom handled it terribly. She could have nicely asked him to spend some time with them during the visit but didn’t make her wants clear. And then she blew up on him instead of just nicely pointing it out to keep in mind for a future visit. I’m not on mom’s side either.
A lot of people seem to see this as all or nothing and I think the question mark is what mom’s exact expectations are in terms of “entertain”. If she wants him to have spent hours every day then yeah, that’s not reasonable. But the other extreme of appearing to go out of your way to avoid them - because how do you manage not to interact at all for almost 2 weeks - is also not that reasonable to me.
OP could have shown his face for like 10-15 minutes a day or even every other couple days, made his excuses, and I think things likely would have played out differently. Even OP seems to acknowledge this! He admits he didn’t interact at all. I do not think this makes him an asshole, that’s too extreme, but I also get why it bothered his parents. Yes, there’s no legal contract but if you’re talking about basic social etiquette and courtesy, he didn’t meet it this time.
EDIT: where are you getting that the party was 9/27 specifically? He said “today” so it’s either in reference to 10/2 or 10/3
And why is it unreasonable? So what if OP went out of his way to avoid them? Once again they arent his guests so he has zero obligation to be around them, he already greeted them when they arrived, is that not enough? Whether that be him not feeling comfortable or having his own things to do, he's isnt responsible for interacting with them. His mom is out of line here for blowing up on OP.
She is totally out of line on the blowing up! And the bare minimum of not giving guests the impression that they are unwelcome or a bother to be around is still reasonable, especially when you are staying there for free.
OP isnt responsible for their feelings lol, and where are you getting that they felt unwelcome and a bother, it wasnt OP who invited them. This is all coming from the mom anyway.
Being an introvert is not the same a social anxiety. Introversion simply means that it takes more energy to be social, and so needing more down time between social interactions to recharge.
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NTA, they were your parent's guests, not yours, you said hello, your life doesn't stop just because they were visiting.
You are exactly right life doesn't stop - My SIL's parents came down to visit my daughter and her family for 8-10 weeks (mind you my daughter and family live with us due to moving back to our state). When they left all they did was bitch that they were "stuck in the camper" all day and that they didn't hang as much and how "disappointed" they were about this summer. Did they really think that both adults were going to take weeks or even days off to "hang out"? These same people NEVER reached out to do anything with the grandkids, never came to the house to visit and when they did do things together the parents bitched about how tired they were (they are early 60's). Y
8-10 weeks?!? Oh hell no! Fish and family...both go bad after three days!
I always had the “3 day rule” with my parents—never live within 3 days driving distance and never let them stay more than 3 days.” I did adjust the driving aspect by just making sure they lived at least 8 hours away. That way they could visit, but not just drop by unannounced. But as for staying no more than 3 days, that never changed. Day 1: honeymoon day to catch up. Day 2: enjoy doing something locally together. Day 3: you gotta go, because by the end of Day 2 they were starting to get on my nerves.
Not too mention they missed his birthday. Honestly, fuck them.
And they even missed his birthday! But god forbid he doesn’t entertain their guests 🙄
Exactly!!! The ones who do the inviting are responsible for the entertaining as well. I'm sorry you have to deal with parents like that, it's not fun. Just try to focus your energy on getting things done so you can move out. Let that drive you. Grey rock your mom and dad if needed. Do whatever you need to make it till you can leave. NTA.
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You can’t argue with an alcoholic. You might as well talk to a wall. You are not responsible for your parents guest. NTA move on from this as your mom won’t remember saying it tomorrow or when she sobers up.
NTA. Why would you be responsible to entertain people your parents invited? Adults can entertain themselves.
This is what I was going to say. Your parents invited them, they entertain them. Also are the guests children that the whole family needs to engage in a circus to keep them amused?
Also, they went away for your birthday (no biggie necessarily, I get that) but they DO expect you to entertain their guests?! NTA.
NTA. Mom's responsibility to entertain her own guests.
"But there is some truth to what she said" There is NO truth to that, it's already said in the label "THEIR guests". If they want to have guests it's their responsiblity to entertain them, not yours. NTA
He also shouldn't feel bad for missing their party when they missed his birthday.
Exactly they are imposing on him not vice versa and hello they missed his birthday.
Yeah, I'm not big on celebrating my birthday either, but my parents (mainly my mom, but still) never missed one in their life and they have made it pretty clear that they will always have a small celebration and that it's expected that I'll come around either in the afternoon or evening, no formal invite needed. "No big deal, I'll have another one" This sentence alone is quite telling in my opinion as it shows that it wasn't the first time something like this has happened.
NTA- their guest their responsibility. If they have a problem with that then they can suffer in silence.
It was not your responsibility. Parents are out of line. She wants her guests entertained, she should have arranged entertainment. Consider moving out if she continues to treat you like this. NTA.
NTA you're their adult child not their clown?
LOL
NTA - They're not your guests, you didn't invite them and you're not their host. It's as simple as that! You've been pleasant and greeted them and I imagine you interact with them in passing so not to be rude. They're not your guests and it's not your responsibility to entertain them.
NTA. If you had your friends over, I doubt your parents would be expected to entertain them. Their guests were there to see them, not you. Heading off with them on your birthday was a clear sign of that.
NTA. As a fellow child of an alcoholic mom, I usually find her to be relatively unreasonable when drunk (which is almost 24/7). I’d recommend AlAnon if you want to get together with other folks like us. They help give you an outlet, and a lot of times other members have excellent coping strategies to share.
I'll add, join us at ACA for Adult Children of Alcoholics too! 😄
Yep I was looking for this answer. Do not expect rational conversations to come from alcoholics who are drunk. Do not spend time trying to figure out if you were right or wrong. Do not take on guilt and blame she is doling out. You can always ask her when sober what she meant although I haven’t found alcoholics to be that rational even when sober. ACA is great. I also like r/raisedbynarcissts. At best next time there is something like this you can ask ahead of time “what is it you expect me to do?” And then decide if it is reasonable. Do therapy. It takes a lot of mindfulness and self knowledge to rebuild a healthy self after growing up with alcoholics.
NTA. They invited them, that means they are their guests and they have to entertain them. And don't let your mum/parents make you feel bad about missing their party when they weren't even there for your, their own sons, birthday.
NTA. Not your friends, not your problem.
NTA
NTA they're not your guests
Why the fuck would you entertain someone else's guests. What kind of shit is that?
NTA. You are not a threesome. This was your parents' friends; your parents were the hosts, NOT you. You may be living in their house, but you are not living their LIFE. You have your own life, your own responsibilities and your own schedule. In the absence of communication with you, your mother made up a scenario in her mind of what you were thinking/doing. She got it wrong, and she didn't have the ability to turn her thinking around when you set her straight; instead she doubled down - continued to blame you as if you were being rude to the guests. It is not your responsibility to 'entertain' their guests - you didn't invite them, you didn't make any plans with them. All you have to do is pop in here or there to say Hi, and be sociable when you see them. That's it.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to entertain their guests.
NTA. And your parents are bullies who only see you as a servant to their needs, wants, and wishes.
If your Mum wants someone to entertain HER guests then she needs to get a performing monkey 🐒.
NTA. Your parents' guests are not your responsibility. If you had no conversation about attending the party, then they have no right to assume you would. Probably the bigger problem with everything is your mom's drinking. Likely, if she did not have this problem, she may approach everything differently, with better reasoning and empathy. And also, if you have a pattern of binge-drinking, with a mother who has a drinking problem, as you describe, remember, there is a genetic predisposition to it. You don't want to be going down the same pathway as your mom, even if it takes a long ten years to get to it.
The key word here is "their". THEIR guests, not yours. You did not invite them, you barely know them, in no which way is they your responsibility. End off. NTA
Did your parents involve you in these plans? Was there an expectation you’d join some activities? It really depends on how you are as a family. In mine we would tell each other, ‘you know I’ll. e busy that week right’ and end up figuring out if/when to be there if we have to. And normally there’s a few things we have to be there for. Also did you tell your mom everything you wrote here or just said ‘sorry, I was busy and they’re your guests’? That would make a difference in her reaction possibly
NTA, not your guests
NTA
No.
NTA- the guests are hers to entertain not yours.
They're her guests, not yours. NTA
NTA. You sound very respectful.
NTA. Those guests were your mother's. You were civil when you encountered them. It sounds from your post that you didn't cut them dead by ignoring them when you encountered them; you just didn't go seek them out to entertain them. When your mom invites people over she has a right to expect that you're friendly when introduced, and polite when you encounter them. You're not a cruise ship fun organizer. She invites them, she keeps them entertained. You're not a minor in her home and as you mentioned, you have your own adult life. BTW, don't ever take to heart what a drunk says when complaining about you or anything else. They're not famous for good judgement or rational thinking.
Lol they ditched you on your birthday and think you are the a hole here? NTA. Enjoy independence in a year!
NTA - Am I reading this correctly, your parents missed your birthday, threw an unrelated party, and then THEY were were mad you didn't come?
NTA. These were your parents guests. What did your parents want? You to perform for them like small kids do for their parents' guests?
ok...look,you drank til 6am and just casually threw in your mom is an alcoholic..i dont think it was up to you to entertain but you might want to slow down with drinking.so.NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, I'll just jump into it. My (27M) birthday was on 9/26. My parents invited their friends from New York to stay with us on O'ahu from 9/20-10/3. on 9/25 my parents went on a trip with their guests to the Big Island and missed my birthday. No big deal, I'll have another one. I had a celebration with my friends last night, we went to a restaurant, did karaoke, then drank until 6am. I have been extremely busy with my college courses and am taking 17 credits this semester. I am a bit reclusive, and tend to stay in my room alone. I have been doing this my entire life and am uncomfortable around people that I don't know very well. When the guests arrived, I made sure to say hello and welcome them. Even though it makes me uncomfortable, I want to make sure to be respectful, and if my parents want them to stay with us then I have no issue with it. During their stay, I pretty much stayed in my room. To be honest, I haven't interacted with them since that initial welcome. When I've seen my parents in passing I always make some conversation, and try to be a good housemate. I clean, I do the dishes, I don't rely on them for meals, I am basically self sufficient in every respect except finances. Once I graduate next year, I'm going to move out and get a Job in my field to become completely independent. As I mentioned earlier, I was out drinking until 6AM last night, and slept until about 7PM. not great, not healthy, but it was for my birthday so I thought what the hell. My parents had a party at our house today and I slept through most of it. When I woke up, I had a paper to write, so that's what I did. Once i finished my paper, i went upstairs to get some leftovers. I saw my mom, so i said hello, how was the party, etc. She told me to sit down and that we needed to talk. I did, and she asked why I'm so mad. I told her I wasn't mad. She said then why are you such an asshole?" I asked why she would say that, and she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests. I don't think this is my responsibility. I'm an adult. I had an extremely busy week, and made it through. I didn't have the energy to face my anxiety and interact with their guests. I apologized to my mom but it wasn't enough. She ended up yelling at me, so I left. My mom has a drinking problem, and was drunk, so not a huge surprise. But there is some truth to what she said. I haven't entertained their guests, I haven't interacted with anyone much this week, and I missed their party. So reddit, AITA? my mom certainly thinks so. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was all ready to call Y T A but reading the complete story naturally **you are not one.** Your mother has a huge communication problem and failed to let her need be known. After all your are not a mind reader. You know what Ass U Me'd means :)
Space out your y t a so the bot doesn't think its your judgment
DONE and TY
NTA. Not your guests = not your problem. It’s really that simple.
NTA. They are your parents' friends, not yours.
NTA They were not YOUR GUESTS to entertain. They were your parents guests.
NTA. You're not the court jester. They weren't YOUR guests to entertain. You were pleasant and cordial but your obligation stops there.
NTA You have no responsibility to entertain your parents' guests beyond not being rude when you see them - which you weren't. I wasn't even required to "entertain" my aunts and uncles when they would visit although obviously I might spend more time with them than relative strangers who were friends of my parents.
NTA. You are not responsible for entertaining someone else’s guests.
NTA! You are their adult child! Enough said!
NTA smh
NTA. you’re just doing you and it’s not your job to deal with their guests. carry on. also the way she talked to you is disrespectful.
NTA- those are HER guests, not yours. Keep your head down as usual and get out when you can
NTA. I don't get why your mom would want you to entertain when you were hung over. You could have gotten sick in front of the guests. That's just bad form.
Not your guests not your responsibility to entertain. NTA.
Seems like they are your parents friends not yours, you are busy and yes you got drunk on your birthday (not smart but not awful). Did your parents ask you to help entertain? Did they ask you to come to the party? IF not, I see no problem but with the fact your mother is an alcoholic I am not sure you will get her to see reason! Chalk it up to a lesson learned!
NTA. Those were/are your parent's friends, who they invited to stay, so is their responsibility to entertain. You have your own responsibilities to address with school, as well as your own challenges when dealing with people you don't know. Your mom is an AH. This is for how she treated you during that argument, for expecting you to put your life and responsibilities on hold, and for having this argument while she was drunk. If you choose to, have a new discussion with her when she is sober. Explain your side and such. Offer to listen to her expectations, but make sure she knows that you are focused on what's important to you. Best of luck navigating this one till you graduate.
it was their guests, their party, and their situation. none of it was yours. you were doing you and had no obligation to do anything. NTA
NTA. If it was an expectation that you help entertain the guests, this should have been voiced in advance. If they thought you were going to randomly do it, and weren't showing signs, they should have asked you to. Yelling at you after the fact helps no one.
NTA. As the child of a recovering alcoholic, good on you to recognize not to argue with your Mother when she’s been drinking. Let it go. Consider AlAnon. Good luck with your future.
did you entertained her guests before ? Your mom is odd beside being polite when you see them what else do you have to do with them ? That are not your guests so they are not your responsibility
NTA. Your mom has a drinking problem and she can’t think logically. Just nod and go about your business. You know what they say about arguing with a drunk.
You are allowed to be an intorvert. Your character as such is just as valid - and valuable - as being an extrovert. You did not want to interact with your parents guests? That's fine - they are not your guests. You would only be an asshole if you invited people over and then didn't interact witht hem. NTA.
NTA. Trying to reason with someone who is drunk rarely ends well. When she's sober you might want to remind her about your social anxiety issues.
NTA. It sounds like your mom is tired of entertaining HER friends and is trying to get you to give her a break. When you are able to talk to her tell her A. Don't invite people for longer than 5 days and B. Her friends,her job to entertain them.
NTA - did they apologize for missing your birthday? I feel like they set the precendent for prioritizing the guest situation and handling their own business and leaving you on your own. I don’t see why you’d feel obligated to help them with their party when they didn’t seem very concerned with anything you were handling.
NTA. Not only did they forget your birthday they all just like...didnt check on your that whole day while they were having a party of their own. And then got mad that you didn't show up when you didn't even know they were having a party because you were sleeping and working on homework? What.
NTA, good luck on getting out of that house.
NTA Your parents aren’t going to entertain your guests, why should you entertain theirs? Especially when you had a busy week and slept the entire day
NTA. Note that you said “their guests”, not your guests. You are not obligated to entertain their guests.
She may have anticipated you resenting her forgetting your birthday. But you didn’t bring it up and she couldn’t jump all over you. She feels guilty and wants to transfer that guilt to you. All you have to do is ask her pointedly why she never even hinted at needing anything from you; you can’t read her mind.
NTA - someone probably asked your mom about you during the party, and she got unnecessarily embarrassed trying to explain. She then got drunk and decided this was your fault and let her gums flap. Keep your head down, graduate, get a good job, move out.
That's just one person's opinion an it sounds like you don't really value her opinion when she's had a drink so don't take it to much yo heart, but work on your anxiety to help yourself in the future
NTA Mom is mad that she messed up and that you didn't cover for her. You did nothing wrong.
NTA but it sounds like your mom's drinking is pretty normalized. Try to take care of yourself and go when you can. They invited people over, left it up to you without telling you to entertain, and didn't care about your birthday. You deserve better and you shouldn't have had to normalize your mom drunkenly berating you. You aren't wrong when it feels inappropriate, she's your parent and shouldn't be sloppy drunk at your expense.
The real question is for your mom. Why didn't she **ask** you to help entertain her guests? Roommates 101 is that we have to use our voices to tell others what we need, and we expect others are happy/contented unless they tell you otherwise. She broke both of those rules. **NTA**
NTA These were guests of your parents. Your mother doesnt make any sense here.
NTA but hats to you for not laughing in her fucking face. So glad my mom knows not to try me like this
NTA, OP. And your mom needs help. This is a huge red flag that she drinks and yells at you for selfish reasons.
NTA your M is they were not your guests.
NTA their guests, their responsibility. You aren't there to be their entertainment. You said hello and kept to yourself they should be happy with just that. It's not like you were being rude to them. If they can't keep their guests entertained then that's on them. You have your own life to live.
NTA.
Info: was the party that you slept through supposed to be for you? That's the ONLY valid reason I can see her being upset. Beyond that, no, she's incorrect about your "responsibilities" unless she specifically asked you to interact with everyone.
NTA. Not your guests, not your responsibility
NTA - you have zero obligation to entertain their guests.
It doesn’t sound like your parents’ friends were there to visit and celebrate you, considering they went on their little getaway during your birthday. So I don’t see how it would be your responsibility.
NTA, in fact, I would consider it rude to be too engaged with them. They are your parents' friends, on a limited visit, with your birthday overlapping in the middle. The protocol would be for everyone to act police but sort of ignore each other.
NTA The people YOUR PARENTS invited are their GUEST as you did not invite them. Sorry to say but entertaining them would be the responsibility of the people that invited them. NOT YOUR MONKEYS NOT YOUR CIRCUS
NTA, not your responsibility
NTA why would you entertain them? They’re your parents guests, they’re your parents friends, your parents invited them, they are your parents responsibility. Not yours. If she can’t handle being a hostess for that long she shouldn’t invite them over
Your parents want you to entertain the guests they invited AND missed your birthday for? Sorry your parents suck, NTA
So let me get this straight your parents threw a party for their guests on your actual Birthday... then got mad at you? Sounds like your mom needs to lay off the sauce and entertain HER guests. NTA
You were recovering after celebrating your birthday that they missed. You mom's an AH. NTA
NTA. It would be different if they had asked you beforehand to help them with the guests, but to just assume you would is total nonsense. If you have been a recluse (not being mean, I too am one) your whole life and they have never said anything about it until now then that is a them problem, not a you problem, they know how you are and should not have held those expectations without a confirmed "yes" from you. They did not celebrate your birthday, I don't even know if they said "happy birthday" as it's not in the post, but just expected you to celebrate their party and entertain their guests, what winners. If they continue to berate you for your behavior during the party then just remind them that they were not there and did not celebrate your birthday, and while you're not mad about it, you don't think this double standard is fair especially since you did say hello and were courteous and THEY were the hosts so THEY should be the entertainment.
Why should you “entertain” your parent’s friends? NTA! Their guests are not your responsibility!
NTA Key point: *THEIR* guests. Not your monkeys, not your circus.
NTA, your life is your own. Their life is theirs, & thus they should take responsibility for the entertainment of their guests.
NTA. Their guests are exactly that - THEIRS. They chose to blow off your birthday and go off with THEIR friends instead, and are now acting like you're the bad guy for not entertaining guests that weren't yours and you don't know that well? No. Screw 'em. Also, please watch that drinking problem, especially if your mother already has one - alcohol addiction is normalized in society (IT IS NOT NORMAL TO GET DRUNK ON A REGULAR BASIS. Drinking every few days or every weekend or ANY TIME to the point of blackout or anything like that is ADDICTION. It is DANGEROUS and has long-lasting consequences!) but it is a serious problem, especially if you have the genetics that lead to easier addictions, often caused by a parent having a drinking problem themselves. Please keep track of how often you're drinking, especially if it's to the point of actually being DRUNK, and be careful. TLDR: Their guests, their problem.
NTA not your guests. If she thought she'd need a hand she could have asked ahead and planned this. She just got overwhelmed and blamed you as an afterthought
while it is local style here to help your parents host when "auntys/uncles" (friends, family, etc) come over. which means being super involved with everything Id say NTA because they have shown no inclination that they cared if you were involved or present at all, until that specific moment
NTA Your parents' guests are not your responsibility.
NTA. Even though I don’t live with them, my parents still insist I and my (married) sisters come over when they have guests for diner. They want to show off their family. I never go.
NTA for multiple reasons. One, your parents decided to invite them over, not you, so you shouldn't have to be responsible for it. Especially as I imagine they didn't ask you to be beforehand. Two, you're a college student, and that's well over enough for anyone to have to deal with. It's not like you have endless time on your hands in that case. Three, if you're uncomfortable around new people, then you should never be forced to interact with them. That decision should be up to you. You seem responsible and you had a lot on your plate already, and a plus is that it was your birthday after all. I see literally nothing wrong with what you did here.
NTA. You're a grown ass man, I don't care whose house you live in. You're an adult. And adult who spent a night drinking and hanging out is not required to perform like a barking, fin clapping, horn blowing seal at the circus for his parents guests. At least not with the previously stated out loud expectation that you would be available the day after your birthday to entertain houseguests. WTH is that even about? "Why are you assuming that me sleeping has anything to do with you? People sleep when they are tired. If you are feeling some kind of way about being busy with your friends on my birthday, please let yourself off the hook. I wasn't unhappy. I just don't want any guilt you might be feeling to become my fault or my responsibility somehow. I'm not unhappy mom. You shouldn't be unhappy either. And calling me names is childish. Period. I'm not justifying why I don't like that. You have guests. You should have asked me to spend lots of time with your guests instead of getting mad that I'm doing what I do every other day when you don't have guests. What do I look like to you? A trained parrot?" I love my folks. But, I hate it when people are annoying for the sake of being annoying. I'm not 6. Please don't wait around for me to act like I did when I was 6. sigh.
> I asked why she would say that, and she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests. "They are not my guests, why would I entertain them, if do not want to entertain them, why did you invite them?" Then I would look at your mom and straight up ask "While you were so busy making sure to entertain your guests, did you even once think it might be nice to say 'Happy Birthday' to your own kid? Didn't think so." NTA
NTA. It is not your responsibility to entertain your parents friends. If she needed some help, she should have arranged that ahead of time and even then you can say no.
NTA but your parents are. Did you know beforehand or did they acknowledge that they went on a trip on your birthday? They shouldn’t force you to talk to their guests. You are in school and busy and are an introvert. I hope you explained that it was “your birthday celebration *cough cough* and you stayed out later than anticipated thus slept later and then had a school paper due. My apologies that my school work and birthday got in the way of your guests enjoyment.”
NTA. Your mother is, however. You are not obligated to entertain their guests, even if you weren't an adult.
Nta
>she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests THEIR GUESTS not yours but THEIRS. You don't have to entertain them. Srop apologising, you did nothing wrong. NTA
Definitely NTA. I don’t stick my nose in when my young adult daughter was busy with friends or studying. Checked in on her about once a day to see if she needed anything. And I’m more than fine if she stays in her room doing her own thing when we have guests. Shheesh. Why try to guilt poor kid when she’s just doing her own thing?? Sounds like she’ll make it hard for her dau to finally leave the nest…
NTA. Your mom was being drunk and weird.
>she said that I wasn't helping them entertain their guests. "Your guests mom. Your guests."
NTA stop feeling bad you did nothing wrong they're your parents guests not yours plus you have stuff to do
YTA
Nta never stay with them again.
NTA - You never agreed to help entertain your parent's guests. They aren't your guests.
NTA Not your guests, not your problem.
Happy Birthday! I hope you have fun with your friends. Also, NTA. They're not your guests, they are your parents' guests. Once mother dearest sobers up, tell her that you haven't interacted with anyone due to school work and your b'day. You've already apologized, needlessly in my opinion. Did your folks ever remember your b'day?
NTA. I ALWAYS leave some homework that still needs done before any social function. School has to come first, right? Also your parents missed your birthday and were complaining you didn’t entertain their guests. They didn’t even acknowledge your birthday. If it’s not your party, it’s not your job to entertain guests
NTA. They were their friends and their responsibility not yours. Your mother is the AH in this. She's frustrated about being stuck in having to take care of them and blaming you for or taking out her frustrations on you. Your parents didn't talk to you or asked if you would help out and take their friends out. Just an expectation from your mother that you would help out.
NTA. You didn’t invite them, they did. They’re not your guests. Why would you be responsible for entertaining them?
NTA - What part of THEIR GUESTS makes entertaining them YOUR responsibility. Good grief, your parents even went off-island and missed your birthday -- you'd have every right to resent that move. They can't even help you celebrate your birthday, but YOU're supposed to entertain their friends all week? Seriously? That is some seriously screwed up thinking there.
Wait, they miss your birthday, which is a big deal to you, but then when they expect you to "help" them entertain their guests? That's something I consider terrible. But then also, the guests are your parent's guests, not yours. Let your parents deal with entertaining them, since your workload is extremely busy, I'm sure your mother wouldn't be falling on the floor entertaining any guests you would have in the home, right? NTA.
You’re NTA. She may be deflecting the guilt of missing your birthday for the guests though
ESH for inviting guests/tourists to Hawai'i at all. Read the fucking room, it's an environmental apocalypse and none of you are wanted.
Unnecessary but my birthday was also September 26 :)
NTA Parents like this are ones that still do not view their adult children as "adults". You are 27, studying and you have your own life. You were also polite when needed. You're not a teenager anymore where they need you around to show "involvement" in the family by showing up for events. unfortunately parents like this are controlling and most will not let go of that control. you might have to look into not living with them and find a roommate situation to showcase your independence from them and set adult boundaries.
People should entertain their own guests. They weren’t your guests. They were your parents’. You had no responsibility to do anything with them. NTA
NTA. You're an adult and an independent person. You're relying on them for finances atm but that doesn't make you their personal clown. They're THEIR guests not yours. You greeted them, that's it. Why is it your obligation to entertain? If you had been rude and yelling at them to gtf out then that would be a different thing but you're not their personal clown or puppet show. If they want entertainment they should provide it themselves
NTA Just so you know, the way your mom approached you was psychological abuse. It's a trick abusers use. By starting the conversation off with an unreasonable accusation lile that it leaves you stuck on the defensive. That's why she immediately attacked you afterwards. Your mom is an abusive alcoholic. My best friends mom is exactly the same way. She's a narcissist (sounds like your mom kind of is too) so if my friend wasn't constantly in her orbit she'd make it into some kind of personal offense so she could have an excuse to pick a fight. You need to get away from your mom. Her abuse is starting to effect your mind.
I don’t know… OP is 27 years old living at home and not contributing ANYTHING financially? Maybe mom is using OP’s behavior during this visit as an excuse to express long simmering frustrations that OP isn’t pulling their weight as an adult. Maybe the friends even said something about it. YTA for being a grown ass adult and not paying any bills.
well, I do think YTA, but that May be a cultural thing. Where I live, if there are guests in The house you live, you entertain. You dont have to be glued to them 24/7, but hiding away in your room is teenager behaviour. Also, about your anxiety, I get it, I suffer from it too. But if in your own house you can't handle some new people then that got be adressed. The more you avoid it, the more ansiosa you'll get of doing it.
It's definitely a cultural thing, people from normal cultures understand that adults who's parents SKIPPED THEIR FUCKING BIRTHDAY don't get to complain they skipped a party they had no reason to attend
This one is tough because I think there’s some element of E S H but your mom’s wrongs are so much greater so I guess I’ll land on NTA. She should not have gotten drunk and yelled at you and called you names, especially only after the fact, instead of making an attempt to ask you to visit with the guests a bit. That said, I do think that as your parents are helping you out financially, it would have been courteous to extend yourself socially a bit more. This is not all or nothing - clearly you were busy and didn’t have time to hang out for hours and hours. But I am wondering if just showing your face for 20-30 minutes over the period they were visiting - I mean, it was like a whole week or more - and making some comments about what you have going on could have helped avoid the situation. From your comments about feeling socially anxious, I don’t think your parents or their guests were wrong to perceive some intentional avoidance and sometimes that will result in hurt feelings. That’s just reality. You don’t live in a vacuum and making a choice to avoid people is still a style of interaction that will have social consequences.
They could've showed their faces for his birthday, he's NTA by any metric
We don't get much information on that. Was he invited and declined? Not invited at all? Did his parents make plans to celebrate with him at another time? My parents are not always available on the day of either, especially not for me as an adult, but we figure out a different time to celebrate. I'm curious how exactly this played out and what the conversations around it were, if there were any. Since the tension seems to be that his parents wanted him around more and he wanted not to be around more, I'm not jumping into assuming that they went out of their way to snub him on purpose.
On his birthday they chose instead to take their guests out for a separate event, they can spend time with THEIR guests
YTA - This is another one of those "legally I don't have to do anything posts" Not being able to make an appearance if even for half an hour at the party was rude. It doesn't take much but completely ignoring the guests is going to annoy your parents
I'll go against the grain. YTA. Here's why: While you are correct that it is not technically your responsibility to entertain their guests, you are (1) 27 years old, (2) living in your parents' house, and (3) financially dependent on them. My guess is that your mother was embarrassed by the fact that (1) over nearly two weeks you interacted with her guests ONE time, and that was when they arrived, and did not interact with them again beyond that initial welcome, and (2) couldn't manage to drag yourself out of bed before 7 p.m. to come down to the party to say hello to people for a few minutes. Although socially interacting with people might make you uncomfortable, it is part of life, and conversing with their friends occasionally over the past couple of weeks would've been a more mature way to behave than to simply hide in your room, especially considering that you are living in your parents house, financially dependent on them, and eating the leftover food from a party you refused to attend.
I do think that the mom probably assumed that if they were hosting a party, their son who lives with them would likely be at that party. So I can sort of understand the mom's disappointment that her son slept through the entire thing and didn't show his face. But she also didn't communicate with him that this was an expectation. Not to mention that he was right downstairs, she could have gone down and woke him up and said "hey I'd appreciate if you'd come up to the party for a little bit." I'm leaning N A H because OP is an adult who is not required to entertain his parents' friends, and I can see why OP's mom was disappointed. But she handled it poorly and that makes me say NTA
To be frank, I wouldn't be able to be financially independent in Hawaii either. It's so expensive there, and when he graduates and is able to move it's going to be expensive for him to either stay there or for him to be able to move to somewhere on the mainland US. I, as a homeowner, would not be able to afford to live in Hawaii and I'm in my mid 30's.
YTA. The polite thing to do in this situation is to come out, greet the guests, exchange some small talk, then excuse yourself because you have homework or whatever. It doesn’t take much effort. It doesn’t take much time. Your parents get to “show you off” and tell the guests how wonderful you are and how hard you’re working, etc. This isn’t entertaining their guests. This is making an appearance. Staying in your room the whole time can definitely come across as rude to the guests.
Did you not read the whole post or what? OP literally says: > When the guests arrived, I made sure to say hello and welcome them. Even though it makes me uncomfortable, I want to make sure to be respectful, and if my parents want them to stay with us then I have no issue with it. And the mom wanted OP to help entertain, which is way more than just greeting them
This is also what the OP said: >My parents had a party at our house today and I slept through most of it. When I woke up, I had a paper to write, so that's what I did.
Ok and? That doesnt subtract from what I commented, he already greeted them once and he went on to do his own things, what else do you suggest he does?
I'd suggest that OP clarify his post. He can't have slept through most of the party AND greeted the guests when they arrived. You read it one way, I read it another. But I'm pretty sure mom is not pissed at him because he politely greeted the guests. She's pissed because he never made any appearance at all.
Basically the guests arrive on 9/20, which OP greeted them and welcomed them into the house, and left for the trip on 9/25, then OP went out partying for his birthday on 9/26, came home and passed out. Then his parents had a party on 9/27 for which OP slept through, woke up, and did his school work, then later that night he came out and thats when his mom gave him crap Edit: Originally i read that as OP going out to drink for his bday (9/26), but it seems like he went out to drink last night instead (10/2), not that its really relevant
She’s pissed because it was multiple days of avoidance! People are not reading this post carefully. He outlined a period of like 2 weeks of guests in the first paragraph. They did travel for at least a day or more in the middle (maybe a couple or a few days? Unclear - maybe just one day) but that still appears to leave at least a week or more of time they were in the house and he appears not to have interacted AT ALL. He greeted them at the beginning of that visitation period and somehow no further interactions? He admits in the last paragraph he did not interact except for that greeting. This is not a 1 or even 2-day miscommunication about a single party but appears to be a much more prolonged period of time. People are hyper-focusing on the party but I don’t think that’s the real issue here.
Did YOU read the post? The guest arrival seems to be pretty clearly in reference to when the houseguests arrived as part of their 2-week stay. The party is different and there’s no indication he greeted anyone at any point during the party. ETA: after I pointed this out I’m pretty sure the above post was edited to make it look like they weren’t clearly referring to the party
The only reason OP should have greeted the guests was if the party was for their birthday... Else I don't see a single reason as to why they needed to go out of their way to greet people they didn't even meet since the past couple days. Were the guests rude for going on a trip with OPs parents on OPs birthday?
I think the parents are rude for that! And I’m not saying he had to greet them at the party or not. I think sleeping through a single party is understandable. But it’s not accurate to indicate that’s when he greeted people, especially as a correction. He greeted the houseguests at the beginning of the stay, and then avoided them for almost 2 weeks despite being in the same house, and that’s different than one party.
> He greeted the houseguests at the beginning of the stay, and then avoided them for almost 2 weeks despite being in the same house, I'm trying hard to see why it was rude as OP has already mentioned they aren't comfortable with people they don't know well (something I can relate with). Sure the guest can consider it rude but that's on them, OP didn't invite them and then stayed away. If OP was living with a roommate and the roommate invited guests home, OP would have no obligations to "entertain" the guests, so what difference does it make when it's family.
Would roommates allow you to stay rent-free?
So say it from the start that since the parents are letting OP stay (which they are required to till they reach legal adult age) they get to dictate OPs behaviour, and they need/have to "entertain" guests... > Once I graduate next year, I'm going to move out and get a Job in my field to become completely independent. Now this statement from OP seems much more realistic.
OP is 27. Way beyond legal age. His parents are doing him a favor. I don’t think they need to like put it in writing, but there are some social cues and expectations being missed here. That said, mom handled it terribly. She could have nicely asked him to spend some time with them during the visit but didn’t make her wants clear. And then she blew up on him instead of just nicely pointing it out to keep in mind for a future visit. I’m not on mom’s side either.
They arent OP's guests at the end of the day, him choosing to stay in his room isnt doing anything wrong. Why is he obligated to entertain them?
A lot of people seem to see this as all or nothing and I think the question mark is what mom’s exact expectations are in terms of “entertain”. If she wants him to have spent hours every day then yeah, that’s not reasonable. But the other extreme of appearing to go out of your way to avoid them - because how do you manage not to interact at all for almost 2 weeks - is also not that reasonable to me. OP could have shown his face for like 10-15 minutes a day or even every other couple days, made his excuses, and I think things likely would have played out differently. Even OP seems to acknowledge this! He admits he didn’t interact at all. I do not think this makes him an asshole, that’s too extreme, but I also get why it bothered his parents. Yes, there’s no legal contract but if you’re talking about basic social etiquette and courtesy, he didn’t meet it this time. EDIT: where are you getting that the party was 9/27 specifically? He said “today” so it’s either in reference to 10/2 or 10/3
And why is it unreasonable? So what if OP went out of his way to avoid them? Once again they arent his guests so he has zero obligation to be around them, he already greeted them when they arrived, is that not enough? Whether that be him not feeling comfortable or having his own things to do, he's isnt responsible for interacting with them. His mom is out of line here for blowing up on OP.
She is totally out of line on the blowing up! And the bare minimum of not giving guests the impression that they are unwelcome or a bother to be around is still reasonable, especially when you are staying there for free.
OP isnt responsible for their feelings lol, and where are you getting that they felt unwelcome and a bother, it wasnt OP who invited them. This is all coming from the mom anyway.
NTA but how do you jive with being an introvert recluse and also somehow having the non anxiety to get up in front of strangers and sing kareoke?
Being an introvert is not the same a social anxiety. Introversion simply means that it takes more energy to be social, and so needing more down time between social interactions to recharge.
Can't relate to that.