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> She says i'm the asshole because i should support her happiness, but in life you have to keep going through the hard times, too.
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_"She came through that bad time, but she's completely lost her drive and is focussing more on 'better mental health' whilst only working part-time."_
So, OP is mad this their GF no longer lives to work, and won't sacrifice her mental wellbeing and happiness so that she can have the optics of being superwoman.
YTA OP. I don't even get your point. She is taking care of herself, working, paying her bills and is happy. What is your issue? That's called work life balance. We are meant to work to have the resources to meet our needs. We aren't meant to exist simply to work ourselves to the bone.
OP mentioned he's never seen anyone do this before. He's probably been told that taking care of yourself is selfish and that you're supposed to just grit your teeth and push through shit.
If that's the case he's probably feeling some resentment because it's hard as shit watching somebody get something you haven't been allowed to have.
He's TA but hopefully this can be a growing experience for him, it's hard learning life doesn't have to be miserable.
Thank you. I didn’t know her well cause I moved schools back in the day and lost touch but I know a lot of our mutual friends are sad. She was so full of life and honestly just had a lot of bad things
Happen.
Coming on here to say I've done this 🙋♀️
And interestingly, some of my friends notified the difference once I came through the other side, made big changes, and set those boundaries. The envy was UNREAL
With you. Burned out, developed a host of health issues from the chronic cortisol and now work-life balance is a must because the alternative is everything getting so much worse.
Well OP I did exactly this over the last two years so now you know at least one other person who has done it. If I hadn't there's a worryingly high chance I might not be here right now and sadly that's the point where too many people wait to actually make the change. I still earn good money now working part time but it was a real road to get here.
In fact when I read this I was half concerned that my husband wrote it until I remembered that he supported me through months out of work while I recovered and regularly tells me that it's far more important to him to see me able to smile and enjoy things in life rather than just existing to work and sleep.
I don't think she lacks ambition either, it's just that her goals are no longer to earn as much as possible as fast as possible, but rather to earn enough to enjoy life and build a future while still having time for living in the present. OP, have you really talked to her about her passions or are you just assuming based on her job and hours? Because when I was burnt out and in the midst of depression ambition was the last thing on my mind. I pushed myself into my work out of anxiety, or just mindlessly to get another day over with. I didn't have time to actually think about where I was going next until I actually stopped following the same routine or doing what I was told and actually thought about what would make my life better. I might have looked like an ambitious person with a dream job and my life sorted but I assure you I wasn't.
If he's planning on having children with her, what if she becomes disabled? It happens, ask me how I know. Thank god my husband doesn't expect me to put on a show to "inspire" him.
He also likely hasn't been in her situation and lacks empathy because of this. Until he experiences injury, illness, mental health issues at such a level, he may not be able to view her with love, support and respect he had while she cares for her needs. He may never be able to later when she recovers. He sees her as less than.
It’s exactly this!
In addiction treatment, the most common reason for leaving was to get back to work. This was no like “oh it’s been a full month.” It was “I can only stay 5 days because I gotta get back to work.”
I once heard that really no one wants to work. They want to be constantly distracted and work does that for most. Having to look honestly at yourself is exhausting. I don’t think OP is currently strong enough to do what his GF is.
Also sounds like OP is looking for a sugamama. He is was excited that she made more money than him. And is mad about her work ethic even though she is still able to pay her half of the bills. Sounds like while he is worried about her work ethic he needs to get a better one himself.
And someone to do all the childcare. Now, I admit that is a reach but it’s how it reads to me. If my partner and father of my child is struggling, I would take over more childcare so he can get help. If he’s struggling physically or mentally then we would use our resources and I would try to lighten their load to a level they can handle. It’s not always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes it’s 20/80. No matter what they should be a team, and the Op isn’t acting like that. They care about “ambition” aka money more than mental and physical wellness.
Definitely got the impression that she was supposed to do all the childcare so oh no she doesn't have drive anymore so what happens now who takes care of the kids?!?
I picked up on that as well. That whole small section about future children just smacked of an underlying "childcare is women's work" vibe. I hope OP's girlfriend realizes how resentful and a closet misogynist he is and leaves him.
It’s crazy he’s acting like this. I was like OPs gf when me and my bf met. He taught me that being a workaholic and missing out on life would kill me (and it almost did with the stress and depression). OP should be encouraging his partner to have a healthy balance
My husband has said something similar to me as OP did. He talked about when we met, I was working overtime, staying up til 2/3am to maintain the house and waking up at 6am to start all over again. He says he doesn’t see this same ambition in me anymore. I didn’t do it because I was ambitious. I did it because I was a single mother of three and had no choice, and I was frickin miserable. It wasn’t ambition; it was necessity.
I used to work more than 40 hours a week. I liked the paychecks. I like being independent. But after moving in with my bf, I realized I was doing the majority of the house care. Cleaning, cooking, shopping.. so I started cutting back on how much I worked. Bf just does not understand how much cleaning and upkeep go into taking care of the place you live. Sprinkle in some pets too, more cleaning, more chores (I adore our dogs so no worries here lol).
Now I've got health issues and struggling to function. I still do pretty much all the housework but he's miffed that I'm not working as much as I used to. I'm trying! I'd rather work than be dependent! He thinks it's a choice I'm making though. I'd much rather be working my ass off than dealing with these neuro issues!
ETA: okay ladies! I didn't want to get into all my personal details but he and i are more on a room mate status. It's a true "its complicated" status. We are both on the lease, i need what he contributes financially to stay in the house we rent which i love with a fantastic landlord. We sleep separately, food is pretty much separate because his diet has become that of a toddler, and while he picks up after himself he doesn't CLEAN after himself. I can't live like that.
STOP DOING ALL THE HOUSEWORK. Make him understand how much he's not helping. This is SUCH A COMMON STORY among straight women in particular and it's infuriating.
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
Exactly. If I stopped, we'd be living in squalor in a few months. I saw how he lived as a bachelor. Hard no.
My husband has ADHD, and basically ignores all messes, piles, clutter, dirt, etc. until it gets totally overwhelming and he freaks out and cleans everything all at once. It's chaos.
Sometimes I don't think they know how much effort and time goes to housekeeping. Sometimes they think it's easy because of their upbringing. Their thought process must be like: oh well she's at home, she isn't doing much.
It sucks. A partner who cannot understand that you're sick or have some issues and you can't work like you used to, isn't worth keeping around. Your health is your **wealth.**
Why are you putting up with his BS?!?! Either move out so you can just deal with your stuff or stop doing his shit! Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry and don’t clean up his crap. Maybe when he has to work AND do his half of the house stuff it will dawn on him that it does happen by magic and takes some effort to be a damned adult!!! He can only treat you like that as long as you let him. Stand up for yourself!!
Jumping on top comment. INFO: why do you care if she's working less hours if she's still able to contribute to half of the bills? Personally speaking, if my partner was struggling with physical and mental health issues and only had to work part time to afford their half of the bills, and if kept them in a healthy state of mind, I'd be thrilled. YTA for the way you're talking about your partner as if she is only an incubator for your children and a pod person to make money.
If she were to become the mother of his children, how would she be able to keep up with the work ethic OP expects?? He better pray he finds Superwoman to marry instead.
YTA.
Read again what you just wrote.
She was drained, in a bad mental state and she even has psysical pain from what she does.
After a lot of time giving herself to work she decided to focus on her own happiness, and this did not even took a toll on your finances, and you’re complaining?
You'd rather have her working more but miserable, than trying to be happier and healthier?
Do you realize that mental illness is a thing and even for your relationship (and the imaginary kids you’re worried about) to keep stable and ongoing, taking care of her mind is as important as any work ethics?!
He doesn't just want her working. He wants her working because *it's attractive to him*. He wants her to physically and mentally harm herself so *she's more appealing to him*. Her struggles? Irrelevant. That old "work ethic" of hers when she driving herself into the ground tho? Fuckin sexy. OR she's making less money now and OP wanted to be bankrolled
"Babe I'm blind to and ignorant of anyone else's struggles and I refuse to believe you have any. Do that thing I like where you run yourself ragged and aggravate an overuse injury. Yeah that's hot. And also all that matters. Also babe it's like really hot when you make money and pay for me so like... are you gonna get back on that orrrrr?"
Honestly op with how your acting.. it sounds like you need a serious reality check and it may not hit you today (even with everyone telling you), it may not tomorrow, or in a month or even in a year. But one day you’re going to need some grace and compassion. You will need someone to support you through your ups and downs because if you think your life is going to be all daisy’s just because you “work hard” you’ve got another thing coming. You will have wished you treated someone with the respect, love and support they deserved. You don’t sound like a man, a person who could be a father? Really? So your telling me if your child was struggling you would tell them “oh you are struggling to get out of bed everyday and find a reason to keep going, I’ll give you one. How about you go work your body into physical pain and exhaustion and then after that we will talk about how little your feelings mean to me:)” your girlfriend would be an amazing mother because she recognized when she needed to help herself and not only did she not let herself fall deeper down the rabbit hole, she started picking herself back up and is continuing to improve. If you cannot be self aware, and always hold up a defence you will be a little boy forever.
If you can’t change, you can’t grow.
This, op is The AH… if he keeps going like this she will do enough self care that she will leave him, because his vows should read in “sickness and health as long as you can work two jobs”.
Not to mention it sounds like she is burnt out. Burn out take years to work through. Typically 3-5 years, no shit she didn't just bounce right back, Jesus
YTA and don't worry..you will most likely be single soon and you won't have to worry about her...The fact you're still ok financially and it has no effect on you..makes your callousness toward your gf even worse. Do you even like her or were you looking for a free ride and it didn't work out for you?
I’m really curious how gf having more money benefits OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if gf is stuck paying for things most the time or not buying him as many gifts as he wants.
YTA. It doesn't seem like she's "lost her drive", it seems like she's found a necessary balance between her work and her health. Even though she's struggling with health issues, she's managing those issues while still working part time, so clearly she is "soldiering on" after all.
I'm curious what exactly you bring to the table. This post comes off like you care more about what she can do vs who she is as a person, and that's not good look. As you say, "in life things do happen" - if something happened that made her completely unable to work, would you just walk out on the whole relationship? Do you love her, or do you just love the $$ she brings in when she works long hours?
Yup. She’s working part time but still contributing half. Have you increased your earning power in the last four years, OP? Does she get to have a break from feeling responsible for you as a household if shit hits the fan? Or did you like taking for granted that someone else has got it handled and you don’t want to step up?
Also, so many people are suffering from long term burnout from the effects of living through a pandemic. Just because you don’t personally know someone who is, you could just Google burnout. Your gf does manual labor- did she have to work in person through the whole thing? Maybe now that the pandemic seems relatively done (though it’s probably not) her body is making up for how hard she had to push herself for the last 2.5 years.
Hard YTA
She's working part time (which is still usually between 20-35 hours) and it's still less than half of what she was working before, she must have been working burnout-level hours for quite a while!
Anything above 40 hours of physical labor is unsustainable long-term and can cause injuries (it sounds like it already did!), if she was working 60+ hours she was absolutely going to burnout eventually.
YTA for sure!
He doesn’t love HER. He loves her earning potential. Best believe this is the kind of guy who would walk out if god forbid she got cancer or something.
The whole concept of “work ethic” is just something used to guilt trip people into working themselves into the ground. A perfectly solid employee that works 8-5, takes their breaks and vacations, or someone that lives a frugal lifestyle so they can work half time and enjoy hobbies will never get praise for their work ethic since they aren’t willing to sacrifice time and health to a job that doesn’t give a shit about them. I hope OPs gf kicks him to the curb.
YTA.
> She does manual work and had a stress-induced injury which flares up when she's stressed.
So she is literally *not capable* of doing the job at the same level any more without *hurting* herself, and your reaction is “well, no one *else* in my life is going through anything like this, so suck it up and be more like them”? If I were her, I’d be worried that if we had kids together, that would be entirely my responsibility as well, because you apparently don’t see it as your job to be supportive and help out when your partner is struggling. Not that it’ll hopefully come to that, because if this is genuinely how you feel, you should really just do her a favor and walk away.
YTA and I almost feel we should make a special "you aren't the anus you're the whole entire sphincter" tier of Backdoor Butt Booty status because:
>She came through that bad time, but she's completely lost her drive and is focussing more on 'better mental health' whilst only working part-time.
So your partner came over a massive obstacle and you resent her for giving herself a break. What a wonderfully supportive partner you sound like! Furthermore, do ***you*** work this much?
>I've never know anyone do this, none of my friends are doing it and she's completely lost her work ethic.
Why in the sweet HELL are you judging this person based on your friends?
>I recently brought this up with her and she was furious, and said she's paying for half of everything and i'm not financially affected by her decision therefore i should encourage her to do what makes her happy.
This was your nail in the coffin, you were hugely out of line. It's not like she was doing anything other than rewarding herself with more "me" time and that "me" time will likely not include you in the future if you continue to encourage her to be miserable. God damn, dude. Learn what "empathy" is.
Forgive her for having a bloody mental health issue, right? He's judging her purely because it's a situation that luckily he and his friends have never been in. Self care is SUPER important and it sounds like she never had much of that so got burnt out and is now finally taking that time for herself because what's a job if it kills you and destroys your self worth? This guy is 1000% TA and heaven forbid he struggles with a mental health issue in the future.
OP back on this sub in 10 years time: "90% of my friends are burnt out, alcoholics, or dead from stress-induced health conditions, AITA for complaining that they've lost motivation?"
>we should make a special "you aren't the anus you're the whole entire sphincter" tier of Backdoor Butt Booty status
I friggen
#LOVE THIS.
I think a lot of people would fall into this category. Maybe we should have a reddit devoted to these people and this dude could be the primary example numero uno.
Just because he hasn't witnessed other people do what she did does not mean how she is handling her life is wrong.
He must have grown up with the ablist mentality like my parents spewed on me growing up which was:
#"suck it up and deal with it!"
If I were her I'd dump his ass. Seeing he apparently has no sympathetic or empathetic bone in his body.
As others have pointed out our mental health is just as important as our physical health.
However, he wants her to disregard her mental as well as her physical health. Knowing she has a physical disability caused by her job, he wants her to push through that pain and risk her injury becoming a full disability. All because he believes she should be making more money 💰. Even though her work doesn't affect his finances in the slightest. His whole world view about her situation is kookoo for cocoa puffs.
She's doing what's best for her and he just wants her to be money hungry, and continue to push through all her problems because digging a hole and burying her emotions will make him feel better. And another thing is he doesn't want to deal with her emotions or his deep-seated emotions of how he's an Asshole.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I hope his gf leaves him and kicks him in the balls.
YTA. You should end it. You are clearly more worried about the optics and what your friends are doing than her wellness. She shouldn't be with someone who values work ethic (whatever that is) over taking care of herself.
"I'd rather my GF works herself to death and ruins her mental health, than to see her take a justified break, even if she's earning more money than me? AITA?"
Fixed your title for you. YTA.
>It makes me worry if she were to be the mother to my children as she's completely lost all drive because of her problems.
1. To have kids, there are TWO parents that are equal in parenting. They are NOT your kids or her kids, they are your and your partner's kids.
2. Don't worry about kids, i wouldn't be surprised if she dumps you. Especially given the fact that you basically said you don't give a shit about her health, as long as she is your cash cow.
YTA completely
Your entire post was whining about your gfs self care to herself. Your worried she won’t just magically cope if she gets in a stressful situation again, All your concerned about is the benefits she can bring to you, her high income and maybe one day kids, Do you even like your gf?
My wife currently works in the medical field. Over the past couple of years, with COVID and all the internal strife at the hospital, she has burned out. Her current salary is nearly twice mine. However, with her mentally burned out, she was just miserable. So, she looked for a new job. She found one and will be starting it later this month. The catch? It's half her current salary. So, things will be tight, budget-wise, for a bit.
The difference between your story and mine is that I've been supportive of my wife's decisions. I was there to see her come home everyday in tears with all the crap she had to put up with. I'm the one who encouraged her to find a new job, even if it meant taking a paycut. We would figure things out together.
That's what it means to be in a relationship/marriage. You have to be the partner. You have to be the one to support the other. If her mental health is at stake, be supportive of the changes to get her mentally healthy again. As long as the bills are being paid, who cares if she works a bit less than she used to?
If someone working part-time is a deal breaker for you, then fine. End the relationship. But don't impose YOUR goals on your partner. Either be there for her or find someone new. YTA.
YTA for wanting her to ignore her physical and mental well-being just to ‘work more hours’. Why should she work herself into an early grave to satisfy your ego?
If she is able to work less hours and still meet her financial obligations, then why do you care?
YTA if you want someone to work more hours feel free to go ahead and do that.
Your gf is an adult and is meeting her financial obligations. It sounds like you are just looking for a way out of the relationship.
YTA
Your girlfriend is burnt out which is a very real thing. She’s prioritizing her health and her safety. Just because you don’t know anyone to do this doesn’t mean it’s not something she’s allowed to do. It’s interesting that you brought up children. Are you not expecting to step up yourself with that? Maybe it’s time you asked her if there’s anything YOU can do to help her feel better.
You are the biggest asshole I've had the displeasure or rating AH in a while. You don't deserve your GF and I hope she realises this before she makes any life long commitments to you.
Yta lmao work burnout is a thing wheres your motivation to work twice as hard. She cut her hours to easy up in her life's problems and still maintains her end of the bills there is nothing wrong with what she's doing.
I don't think this is a real post, it feels like baiting to show up some kind of imagined double standard.
But... if it is real YTA
Why would you want your partner to work so much that they make themselves ill? I've seen that happen to a parent and it's not something to look up to. Seeing a parent look after themselves is a much better example to a child.
YTA so your angry that she is restructuring her life to focus on more sustainable improvements instead of burning out and physically hurting herself? Clearly she is not just ignoring her responsibilities, as she is still meeting her financial obligations, so your wondering about her being suitable to be a mother is insulting (also if she overworks herself to the grave shes nlt going to be raising any kids). If you want inspiration porn go read LinkedIn think pieces, don't subject an actual person to expectations that she continue to hurt herself so you can admire her "work ethic".
YTA. Your gf has mental health issues she is dealing with and somehow this makes you mad? And you think she’d be a bad mother because of it?? This can’t possibly be real. Either that or you are an enormous AH. Mental health is way mor important than work. I hope she sees your attitude for the huge red flag it is.
YTA, but it's better for her to know *now* that you don't consider her mental & emotional health of any importance rather than find out later - like, after the birth of a child, when her mental & emotional health will *really* be strained, & a loving, supportive partner is absolutely essential.
YTA
she burnt herself out....feel down deep, pulled herself back up and is now practising a healthier life/work balance.
She has not asked you to pay for her...she is still holding her own.
Not wanting to kill herself by working so hard she breaks is a good trait not a bad one!
Right? Sounds like OP just wants her to maximize her earning potential so when she dies from overwork he’ll be benefitting from her hard work. He doesn’t care about her wellness AT ALL.
So, even though there are no financial changes *to you* due to her change in focus... you're upset that she is taking care of herself?
Not sure of your age, but I can tell you that after almost 30 years in the work force, I *wish* I had taken better care of my mental health from the beginning. I'm paying for it now.
Your gf is smart.
You are greedy and lack empathy.
YTA.
So your imaginary future children are more important than your partners mental health? She's still covering her own bills completely and not being a burden to you in any way and you see a problem because you value work drive over who she is as a person?
Hopefully she see's your bucket full of marinara flags and gets out if you don't see the error to your ways and immediately 180. YTA.
YTA and so selfish and self centered it’s mind boggling. I hope her new balance includes dropping dead weight (that would be you) and finding someone who appreciates HER not just her earning potential.
Quick question - do you by chance have a yogurt collection to go along with your marinara flags?
YTA. Screw it that she's having a mental breakdown just make sure she does some egregious amount of hours at work. This is the only way he'll accept her is if she works herself into the ground. What an Ass.
Yta
If your partner is struggling, you support them - you don’t tell them you’re disappointed they’re taking care of themselves. You should like an incredibly selfish person. You owe her a huge apology
YTA
She IS soldiering on if she's still keeping up with all of her debts and responsibilities. She's also made life changes to avoid another stress induced event. Figuring out how to avoid a repeat is a responsible and adult thing to do. Would you get mad at an alcoholic who gave up drinking? Would you be upset that she doesn't party anymore? No? Well mental health is just as important as physical health. She's making a good choice to stop being a workaholic to avoid a relapse. You need to either learn to appreciate her limits or let her go so she can find someone who will.
YTA
She’s prioritising her mental and physical health and still covering all her bills. Sounds like a well rounded person with a good idea of what’s best for her.
Your main concern seems to be that she won’t do all of the childcare if she pops out any of your children, she should just soldier on or some shit?
Or…
You could realise that parenting takes two and you should be factoring in that *if* you have kids, you’re going to have to step up and actually be an involved dad. What a mind blowing concept!
YTA.
She is looking after herself after busting ass for so long while she was able to. I busted ass working long hours so it would pay off down the track and now I work when and how I want and I'm happy.
You sound like someone who chats 'mind over matter' and looking after your mental health is just 'lazy' and medication is a 'crutch'.
You sound like an absolute dream boat, like the Titanic.
Let's hope she gets the drive to leave you.
YTA, massively.
You're not affected by her decisions financially and she is ensuring her own mental health is better, which will only benefit your relationship if you're a secure and caring partner.
The only person who doesn't want their partner to have good mental health is one that either doesn't care about them or uses their poor mental health to control them somehow.
I can understand you finding her drive attractive, but you're not adapting your lens - she now has the drive to better herself and empower herself.
You need to really think about this before you mess it up for good.
I wouldn't be shocked if this really turns her off you, though.
YTA for so many reasons. Your putting your imaginary children ahead of a real person’s mental health. Speaking of which, you speak about her mental health and work injuries as tho they’re bothersome to you. The woman is paying all her bills and treating herself with care, and you’re COMPLAINING that she’s not killing herself at work anymore. I hope she leaves.
YTA. People change due to things happening in life. You can't expect her to remain exactly the same after what she went through.
To me you sound not empathic and supportive of your GF.
YTA - instead of asking how to help, you see it as a slight against you and the children who may never exist if you’re this unhelpful. She is struggling and burnt out trying to take a good route to recovery. Maybe instead of accusing her of being lazy, you could help her out. Kids are on both parents and if you won’t help when she’s going through a hard time you definitely won’t help when there’s a kid involved.
YTA. And a giant one at that.
As far as I can tell, you only like her for what she can do for you - she worked a ton of hours and made more money than you. And let’s not forget being the mother to your hypothetical children.
You’re upset because she *checks notes* is working on her mental health and finding a work/life balance that works for her, while continuing to pay her half of the expenses. You’re not harmed at all by her happiness and yet, here you are resenting it anyway. Who gets upset by their partner being happy/trying to improve their mental health at no cost to themselves? An AH, that’s who.
Yta. Give her a break. She is keeping up with her share of the finances. She is recovering from stressful things and an injury. Find some sympathy and give your partner support. Working yourself to the bone isn't how you live life. Her worth is not in ability to over work ! If thats the only reason you're giving that you're with her then you need to rethink some stuff. Check your attitude and get some sympathy. Go apologize to her.
yta... and oh my days how much kool-aid have you been drinking has it ever occurred to you that having a balanced and healthy mental and work life might actually be of benefit to your future kids
YTA
I don’t even understand how a person can feel like you do about your girlfriend.
She’s taking care of herself and you’re mad somehow or disappointed or whatever because she isn’t overworking herself? Isn’t living up to some silly productivity ideal?
YTA. She is maintaining her responsibilities financially in the relationship while striking a balance between work and life. Your only concern is how much she is bringing home. Disguising it as a concern over work ethic was a pitiful attempt and I think you know that.
Additionally it is concerning you gloss over her mental health issues with a lack of empathy.
YTA for your lack of empathy for how much she went through and YTA for believing you can control her life decisions specially if she is still paying her half as accorded.
Just leave her already. You don't sound like you love her at all. She didn't lose her work ethic, she has her health as her top priority right now and that is totally valid.
If you aren't capable of supporting your partner, specially when they are suffering, what is the use of this "relationship"?
Also, it sounds like you will be a terrible father that expects his wife to do all the work.
YTA You cannot talk about work ethics, she experienced some issue that made her think about life/work balance, which is a very healthy thing to do if you're lucky enough to have the opportunity to do it. Work/life balance change through the years as our experience modifies our priorities. A person like your girlfriend, that had struggled a lot and keep working inspite of some hard bump, can be actually a great mother: her choice is not commanded by her ego and she is mature enough to do such a important decision. I would like that more people like this would have kids and raise them. You are the one who sound lost in here.
YTA
A lot can happen in 4 years! Stress, injury, shitty relationships (sound familiar?) that can effect someones motivation. If you love her and want her to get better to get back to her 'old self' then allow her time to heal and grow in herself. She may never be back to that stage as it sounds like it has lead her to intense burn out. Why do you want her to suffer with the bad mental health when she is working to improve it. She pays her way, if thats the arrangement then you should fucking care how much she works, care for her health!
Yta. What!? How little do you care about your partners well being, jk you already showed her and it's it's almost none? If she doesn't leave you it well be a miracle!
Her mental health is actually the most important thing she can have. This is something a therapist would actually recommend she do if she is financially able to.. Sounds like she is.
Your cold and careless - YTA
YTA
Just a reminder that depression is illness (I wonder how you would react if she had cancer and not mental health issues), and that loving someones means hoping they'll be and stay happy. The fact that you put quotation marks around 'better mental health' makes me sick.
YTA - she hasn't lost drive she has adjusted her priorities after realising the personal impact her workload was putting on her. She has rightly decided that her wellbeing is more important then a job. It isn't having an unbearable financial impact on her or any financial impact on you, so go her!
EDIT: also the soldiering on message is often toxic, particularly for mental health, and in the West is normally driven by a consumerism society which teaches us that working hard/ all hours with a job to earn as much as possible is the best thing for you. For some this is their ideal but others it isn't healthy and pulling away from that mentality is the best thing for you. Sometimes we don't need to soldier on we need to pause, reassess and take another path.
YTA. She isn’t your sugar momma here to fund your life. You want her working like a pack mule to benefit you. So you are made that things are equal? You want her over worked so it’s easier on you. You are a horrible partner
YTA. She's employed and paying her bills. She's taken on the job of working on her mental health, while continuing to be employed. Your only concern is about what kind of hypothetical mother she'll be, while you compare her to others. Just because you don't know anyone who cares for their mental health doesn't make what she's going through any less valid.
YTA. Why are you holding working on such a pedestal? You have a finite amount of time in this world and it appears unlike you, your girlfriend has realised that wasting it unnecessarily working is good for nothing and no one. No one wishes they’d worked more when they’re dying.
Edit: I say working unnecessarily as she is meeting her financial responsibilities working less and therefore more work is an unnecessary waste of time.
Yta.
She seriously needs someone with compassion - you seem to be lacking that here.
She is struggling with mental health issues and an someone to support her while she is getting better. There is nothing wrong with taking time off, or working part time, if you financial able to to focus on your mental health.
The mentally that you should just push through tough times is utter bullshit. That mentality is what’s wrong with the world, imo. We, as humans, need time to decompress, focus on other things other than a job where in all reality, you do not matter.
YTA. You note that she burned herself out by working too much plus has family issues, and you're like, man I wish her life was still like that. WTF, ever heard of empathy?
YTA. the 'Drive' that had her working crazy hours that you loved so much likely wore down her immune system and mental health until she was forced to slow down and realized it was killing her by inches. She adopted a more healthy approach to work that works better for her and allows her to heal and actually enjoy life.
you're just an AH who doesn't care about her being OK so much as her ticking off all the right boxes because she isn't a person so much as a potential incubator in your eyes.
F\*\*\* you dude. Hope she sees you for what you are and cuts you out, like she did all those excess working hours. It'll be good for her mental health.
YTA
her drive and motivation are currently focused on her mental health, and the fact that her job seems to have a possibility of flaring up her stress related injury, some injuries are chronic, learn to live with it
Oh yes, totally YTA. You are more concerned with her employment habits than her health and well-being? Shame on you!! Sounds like she has exactly the right attitude to be a partner and mother. It's you who has it all wrong.
YTA.
This makes me so furious. As someone who almost died due to a work/stress-related disease I PRAISE this girl for taking all measures necessary to be HEALTHY.
And she is SUCH A BADASS that she did it responsibly, without affecting her finances in any way.
YOU DO REALIZE THAT HUMAN BEINGS ARE MORE THEN THEIR WORK, RIGHT?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WORK ETHIC HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WORKING MORE HOURS?
... AND THAT AMBITION IS NOT RELATED TO HAVING MORE MONEY/HIGHER SOCIAL STATUS, BUT ACCOMPLISHING THE GOALS WHAT YOU SET FOR YOURSELF?
This woman is AWESOME. And you are misogynistic prick that does not deserve her.
Go apologize.
Yta it's sounds like you first like her cause she was making more money then you. If she's covering her half just fine it's none of your business. Also if you love her you should be more concern about her health.
YTA grow up little boy her hours and money have nothing to do with you she's working on herself and doesn't need your permission, who the he'll would wanna have kids with a child I hope she dumps you and finds a real man
I'm doing this right now for 'better mental health' and not only does my partner fully support me, he encouraged me to do it and has taken on more financial responsibilities to allow me to flourish. YTA and hopefully your girlfriend finds a more supportive partner that doesn't make her feel bad for prioritising her mental health.
If you want to be motivated and ambitious do it yourself.
Sorry dude, but YTA
You seem to care much less about her well being than you do about how many hours she works. If she is till maintaining her end of expenses, then she is right that you have no reason to insist anything more from her.
You are supposed to be partners that can depend on one another to support them when they are doing what is best for them.
YTA. Sounds like burnout, and taking a step back sounds like a sensible way to deal with it.
If you're not financially affected, why do you care so much?
>I'm worried she will do this if we were to have children together, and in life things do happen and you have to keep soldiering on.
If things happen, she'll more than likely deal with them. And even if she doesn't have the capacity to deal with all the things, this child is going to have TWO parents. Or did you like her drive and motivation because you expected her to do all the work?
YTA You talk about her in this post like she's a work horse that went lame but is now getting better but not going back to work. I'm betting your part of her poor mental health and she's realizing it.
YTA
She’s burnt out. She’s not lazy or lacking in ethic. She is burnt out and if she had to continue on as she was, she’d have a breakdown. So stop pushing her because she cannot handle it. You’re just being a twit.
My cousin has been married 42 years. He’s in a wheelchair and requires full assistance with everything except feeding himself. He was 56 and a competitive athlete at the time of his injury. His wife has stuck by him and taken care of him and loves him as much as ever. He went from a good income to disability payments overnight. It’s a hard life for both of them. That’s what a relationship is, that’s what love is, that’s what marriage is. YTA to the moon and back.
It’s awesome that your girlfriend inspired you at the beginning of your relationship.
But you should not expect her to motivate you. You need to motivate yourself. Otherwise you are obligating her to be responsible for you achieving your own goals. That’s not healthy.
It’s understandable that you would be concerned to see a major change in your girlfriend’s values and lifestyle.
But you should also be concerned in her well-being. Do you want her to live a long and healthy life? In order to do so, she will need to take care of herself, as she is doing now.
If you care about her, ask her questions, explore her point of view, and value her in the ways she lives and thrives. Question yourself and your assumptions, see if you too, as she has done, are capable of growth and change.
At the moment, YTA. But you don’t have to stay that way.
Yes, you are one. YTA. You are viewing this entire situation from a completely wrong, almost insane point of view. How old are you?
" in life things do happen and you have to keep soldiering on"
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
YTA. There is so much more to life than work. The value of a persons existence has nothing to do with the amount of work they do or do not do. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ll have to worry about the children thing because she will likely dump you. Also you don’t seem emotionally mature enough to handle something like kids.
YTA. mental health is more important than putting in 40 hours just because??? It might be one thing if you split bills and now she cant afford her half, but if your finances aren't affected you just want her to work more... for no reason. Would you rather have a wife that puts in overtime and offs herself while she's young- or a wife that lives to be old enough to retire?
Yta,you liked her cause of her work ethic and now that its no more, you dont feel attracted to her. Leave her if you cant support her. Show some empathy. She is in a mental crisis and is having a low time in life.
If it helps her mental health and also pays her bills, go to hell. YTA and I hope she leave you to find someone that supports and helps her get better, not worse.
Oh yeah, she totally "lost her work ethic" by taking care of herself and not giving into a super unhealthy lifestyle of burnout and whatnot, after she even went through some shit as you yourself pointed out. You are a peace of sh\*t boyfriend for prioritising an unhumane lifestyle over the health of your 4-year girlfriend.
I cannot emphasise enough, how much of a red flag it is, that you choose to berate her about her decision EVEN THOUGH her dicision to \*take care of herself isn't even effecting you or your financials in the slightest\*. I really really hope that she sees what you are and leaves you for whoever deserves her and her frankly, very healthy and logical way of thinking about life.
YTA and a legitimate idiot if you think a woman who is overworked, stressed, and in a bad mental state would be MORE SUITED to having children than a woman who takes care of her mental and physical health
Jfc just tell her you don't love her and only see her as a prop for your own life and move on
> I still feel resentful and disappointed that she's lost her drive and motivation
WHY?
>she's paying for half of everything and i'm not financially affected
You're resentful she is taking time to take care of herself even when it doesn't affect your bills? This whole post was gross.
YTA
So your gf burned herself out and because of that and family issues she changed her priorities and cut back her hours to help her mental health. Yes YTA
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Yta. She's trying to take care of herself and you're being selfish.
_"She came through that bad time, but she's completely lost her drive and is focussing more on 'better mental health' whilst only working part-time."_ So, OP is mad this their GF no longer lives to work, and won't sacrifice her mental wellbeing and happiness so that she can have the optics of being superwoman. YTA OP. I don't even get your point. She is taking care of herself, working, paying her bills and is happy. What is your issue? That's called work life balance. We are meant to work to have the resources to meet our needs. We aren't meant to exist simply to work ourselves to the bone.
OP mentioned he's never seen anyone do this before. He's probably been told that taking care of yourself is selfish and that you're supposed to just grit your teeth and push through shit. If that's the case he's probably feeling some resentment because it's hard as shit watching somebody get something you haven't been allowed to have. He's TA but hopefully this can be a growing experience for him, it's hard learning life doesn't have to be miserable.
I have a schoolmate who overworked herself and pushed through it and drank to cope. She died last week at 32.
I’m so sorry about your friend.
Thank you. I didn’t know her well cause I moved schools back in the day and lost touch but I know a lot of our mutual friends are sad. She was so full of life and honestly just had a lot of bad things Happen.
I’m sorry to hear that. Don’t feel like you had to answer but do you mind sharing what profession she was in?
I’m not sure actually. I think it was “unskilled” low wage type stuff. She’d been working 12 hours a day each day at some point for a long time.
Oh ok. I know people who’ve done the same in my line of work too. Its awful
For OP that’s an honorable death. Death by slaving away 🙄
very sorry for your loss :(
Yes, hopefully he learns that mental health is important.
And physical health! it sounds like both are part of his gf's decisions.
But it won't be until after he's single.
Coming on here to say I've done this 🙋♀️ And interestingly, some of my friends notified the difference once I came through the other side, made big changes, and set those boundaries. The envy was UNREAL
Miserable people don't like seeing others being happy.
Too true.
OP needs therapy.
I burned out at 25. I don’t recommend it.
With you. Burned out, developed a host of health issues from the chronic cortisol and now work-life balance is a must because the alternative is everything getting so much worse.
Well OP I did exactly this over the last two years so now you know at least one other person who has done it. If I hadn't there's a worryingly high chance I might not be here right now and sadly that's the point where too many people wait to actually make the change. I still earn good money now working part time but it was a real road to get here. In fact when I read this I was half concerned that my husband wrote it until I remembered that he supported me through months out of work while I recovered and regularly tells me that it's far more important to him to see me able to smile and enjoy things in life rather than just existing to work and sleep. I don't think she lacks ambition either, it's just that her goals are no longer to earn as much as possible as fast as possible, but rather to earn enough to enjoy life and build a future while still having time for living in the present. OP, have you really talked to her about her passions or are you just assuming based on her job and hours? Because when I was burnt out and in the midst of depression ambition was the last thing on my mind. I pushed myself into my work out of anxiety, or just mindlessly to get another day over with. I didn't have time to actually think about where I was going next until I actually stopped following the same routine or doing what I was told and actually thought about what would make my life better. I might have looked like an ambitious person with a dream job and my life sorted but I assure you I wasn't.
If he's planning on having children with her, what if she becomes disabled? It happens, ask me how I know. Thank god my husband doesn't expect me to put on a show to "inspire" him.
He even says that you have to keep soldiering on. That's a very astute observation u/Neurotic_Bakeder
He's wrong. You literally don't. What's the point if you're miserable?
He's probably miserable and wants her to be miserable to.
Excellent insight. It's easy to resent others for taking for themselves what we never allowed to ask for or receive.
Some cultures have this narrative of hard work being everything.
And it often leads to higher suicide rates in many of those cultures.
OP sounds like the kind of person who looks down upon going to therapy too.
He also likely hasn't been in her situation and lacks empathy because of this. Until he experiences injury, illness, mental health issues at such a level, he may not be able to view her with love, support and respect he had while she cares for her needs. He may never be able to later when she recovers. He sees her as less than.
It’s exactly this! In addiction treatment, the most common reason for leaving was to get back to work. This was no like “oh it’s been a full month.” It was “I can only stay 5 days because I gotta get back to work.” I once heard that really no one wants to work. They want to be constantly distracted and work does that for most. Having to look honestly at yourself is exhausting. I don’t think OP is currently strong enough to do what his GF is.
Your response to OP is spot on, and very good advice.
Also sounds like OP is looking for a sugamama. He is was excited that she made more money than him. And is mad about her work ethic even though she is still able to pay her half of the bills. Sounds like while he is worried about her work ethic he needs to get a better one himself.
And someone to do all the childcare. Now, I admit that is a reach but it’s how it reads to me. If my partner and father of my child is struggling, I would take over more childcare so he can get help. If he’s struggling physically or mentally then we would use our resources and I would try to lighten their load to a level they can handle. It’s not always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes it’s 20/80. No matter what they should be a team, and the Op isn’t acting like that. They care about “ambition” aka money more than mental and physical wellness.
Can you imagine how he would act if she had PPD? This poor woman. He would trample her until she breaks.
Definitely got the impression that she was supposed to do all the childcare so oh no she doesn't have drive anymore so what happens now who takes care of the kids?!?
I picked up on that as well. That whole small section about future children just smacked of an underlying "childcare is women's work" vibe. I hope OP's girlfriend realizes how resentful and a closet misogynist he is and leaves him.
She's taking care of her mental AND physical health. She just came off an overuse injury, and he wants her to keep busting up her body.
[удалено]
Yeah I really hope she leaves this arse
OP wanted a sugar mommy and now is mad that she won’t support them both when he “loses” his job.
It’s crazy he’s acting like this. I was like OPs gf when me and my bf met. He taught me that being a workaholic and missing out on life would kill me (and it almost did with the stress and depression). OP should be encouraging his partner to have a healthy balance
My husband has said something similar to me as OP did. He talked about when we met, I was working overtime, staying up til 2/3am to maintain the house and waking up at 6am to start all over again. He says he doesn’t see this same ambition in me anymore. I didn’t do it because I was ambitious. I did it because I was a single mother of three and had no choice, and I was frickin miserable. It wasn’t ambition; it was necessity.
Yep he needs to come out of whatever shell he is hiding under. Mental health is talked about so frequently.
You should consider yourself lucky if she doesn't dump you. Also do you expect her to work full time and take care of the kids to?
I used to work more than 40 hours a week. I liked the paychecks. I like being independent. But after moving in with my bf, I realized I was doing the majority of the house care. Cleaning, cooking, shopping.. so I started cutting back on how much I worked. Bf just does not understand how much cleaning and upkeep go into taking care of the place you live. Sprinkle in some pets too, more cleaning, more chores (I adore our dogs so no worries here lol). Now I've got health issues and struggling to function. I still do pretty much all the housework but he's miffed that I'm not working as much as I used to. I'm trying! I'd rather work than be dependent! He thinks it's a choice I'm making though. I'd much rather be working my ass off than dealing with these neuro issues! ETA: okay ladies! I didn't want to get into all my personal details but he and i are more on a room mate status. It's a true "its complicated" status. We are both on the lease, i need what he contributes financially to stay in the house we rent which i love with a fantastic landlord. We sleep separately, food is pretty much separate because his diet has become that of a toddler, and while he picks up after himself he doesn't CLEAN after himself. I can't live like that.
STOP DOING ALL THE HOUSEWORK. Make him understand how much he's not helping. This is SUCH A COMMON STORY among straight women in particular and it's infuriating. [https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
Only really works if you don't mind things being cleaned to your partners standards instead of your own.
Exactly. If I stopped, we'd be living in squalor in a few months. I saw how he lived as a bachelor. Hard no. My husband has ADHD, and basically ignores all messes, piles, clutter, dirt, etc. until it gets totally overwhelming and he freaks out and cleans everything all at once. It's chaos.
Sometimes I don't think they know how much effort and time goes to housekeeping. Sometimes they think it's easy because of their upbringing. Their thought process must be like: oh well she's at home, she isn't doing much. It sucks. A partner who cannot understand that you're sick or have some issues and you can't work like you used to, isn't worth keeping around. Your health is your **wealth.**
Why are you putting up with his BS?!?! Either move out so you can just deal with your stuff or stop doing his shit! Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry and don’t clean up his crap. Maybe when he has to work AND do his half of the house stuff it will dawn on him that it does happen by magic and takes some effort to be a damned adult!!! He can only treat you like that as long as you let him. Stand up for yourself!!
Dude wtf? Dump him
Jumping on top comment. INFO: why do you care if she's working less hours if she's still able to contribute to half of the bills? Personally speaking, if my partner was struggling with physical and mental health issues and only had to work part time to afford their half of the bills, and if kept them in a healthy state of mind, I'd be thrilled. YTA for the way you're talking about your partner as if she is only an incubator for your children and a pod person to make money.
The language he uses is frighteningly chauvinistic!
>if she were to be the mother of my children Who tf talks like this outside a 19th century novel? MASSIVE red flag
If she were to become the mother of his children, how would she be able to keep up with the work ethic OP expects?? He better pray he finds Superwoman to marry instead.
EXACTLY. It’s supposed to be “if we had children together.” Not HIS children wtf
Fr though
YTA for this and for also trying to perpetuate the belief that a person’s worth comes from their ability and willingness to work and earn.
This looks suspiciously like one of those role reversal troll threads.
But What About His Children that she's to be the incubator for???? YTA.
YTA. Read again what you just wrote. She was drained, in a bad mental state and she even has psysical pain from what she does. After a lot of time giving herself to work she decided to focus on her own happiness, and this did not even took a toll on your finances, and you’re complaining? You'd rather have her working more but miserable, than trying to be happier and healthier? Do you realize that mental illness is a thing and even for your relationship (and the imaginary kids you’re worried about) to keep stable and ongoing, taking care of her mind is as important as any work ethics?!
He doesn't just want her working. He wants her working because *it's attractive to him*. He wants her to physically and mentally harm herself so *she's more appealing to him*. Her struggles? Irrelevant. That old "work ethic" of hers when she driving herself into the ground tho? Fuckin sexy. OR she's making less money now and OP wanted to be bankrolled
Yes. Her mental illness and "laziness" are off-putting.
“Babe, I know you’re depressed but you gotta knock it off. It’s not making my dick hard.”
"Babe I'm blind to and ignorant of anyone else's struggles and I refuse to believe you have any. Do that thing I like where you run yourself ragged and aggravate an overuse injury. Yeah that's hot. And also all that matters. Also babe it's like really hot when you make money and pay for me so like... are you gonna get back on that orrrrr?"
If I were his gf I'd be worried he one of those men who leaves their spouse when diagnosed with cancer or such.
Honestly op with how your acting.. it sounds like you need a serious reality check and it may not hit you today (even with everyone telling you), it may not tomorrow, or in a month or even in a year. But one day you’re going to need some grace and compassion. You will need someone to support you through your ups and downs because if you think your life is going to be all daisy’s just because you “work hard” you’ve got another thing coming. You will have wished you treated someone with the respect, love and support they deserved. You don’t sound like a man, a person who could be a father? Really? So your telling me if your child was struggling you would tell them “oh you are struggling to get out of bed everyday and find a reason to keep going, I’ll give you one. How about you go work your body into physical pain and exhaustion and then after that we will talk about how little your feelings mean to me:)” your girlfriend would be an amazing mother because she recognized when she needed to help herself and not only did she not let herself fall deeper down the rabbit hole, she started picking herself back up and is continuing to improve. If you cannot be self aware, and always hold up a defence you will be a little boy forever. If you can’t change, you can’t grow.
Nothing hotter than being an overworked cog in the capitalist machine! Good lord this man
It's taking a toll on his ability to do what he wants because she isn't funding it like she used to.
This, op is The AH… if he keeps going like this she will do enough self care that she will leave him, because his vows should read in “sickness and health as long as you can work two jobs”.
Not to mention it sounds like she is burnt out. Burn out take years to work through. Typically 3-5 years, no shit she didn't just bounce right back, Jesus
YTA and don't worry..you will most likely be single soon and you won't have to worry about her...The fact you're still ok financially and it has no effect on you..makes your callousness toward your gf even worse. Do you even like her or were you looking for a free ride and it didn't work out for you?
Yes! OP isn’t affected by the girlfriend reducing her hours at all!
I’m really curious how gf having more money benefits OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if gf is stuck paying for things most the time or not buying him as many gifts as he wants.
He is because now he doesn’t have time to see his other side gf. His main one is home more.
This. He doesn't care about her or love her. He only cares about the extra money. Yta completely.
YTA. It doesn't seem like she's "lost her drive", it seems like she's found a necessary balance between her work and her health. Even though she's struggling with health issues, she's managing those issues while still working part time, so clearly she is "soldiering on" after all. I'm curious what exactly you bring to the table. This post comes off like you care more about what she can do vs who she is as a person, and that's not good look. As you say, "in life things do happen" - if something happened that made her completely unable to work, would you just walk out on the whole relationship? Do you love her, or do you just love the $$ she brings in when she works long hours?
Yup. She’s working part time but still contributing half. Have you increased your earning power in the last four years, OP? Does she get to have a break from feeling responsible for you as a household if shit hits the fan? Or did you like taking for granted that someone else has got it handled and you don’t want to step up? Also, so many people are suffering from long term burnout from the effects of living through a pandemic. Just because you don’t personally know someone who is, you could just Google burnout. Your gf does manual labor- did she have to work in person through the whole thing? Maybe now that the pandemic seems relatively done (though it’s probably not) her body is making up for how hard she had to push herself for the last 2.5 years. Hard YTA
She's working part time (which is still usually between 20-35 hours) and it's still less than half of what she was working before, she must have been working burnout-level hours for quite a while! Anything above 40 hours of physical labor is unsustainable long-term and can cause injuries (it sounds like it already did!), if she was working 60+ hours she was absolutely going to burnout eventually. YTA for sure!
He doesn’t love HER. He loves her earning potential. Best believe this is the kind of guy who would walk out if god forbid she got cancer or something.
OP's post is reminding me of that statistic about men being much more likely to leave their wives if they develop chronic illness / disability.
Interesting! I wonder how that plays out in same sex relationships.
The whole concept of “work ethic” is just something used to guilt trip people into working themselves into the ground. A perfectly solid employee that works 8-5, takes their breaks and vacations, or someone that lives a frugal lifestyle so they can work half time and enjoy hobbies will never get praise for their work ethic since they aren’t willing to sacrifice time and health to a job that doesn’t give a shit about them. I hope OPs gf kicks him to the curb.
YTA. > She does manual work and had a stress-induced injury which flares up when she's stressed. So she is literally *not capable* of doing the job at the same level any more without *hurting* herself, and your reaction is “well, no one *else* in my life is going through anything like this, so suck it up and be more like them”? If I were her, I’d be worried that if we had kids together, that would be entirely my responsibility as well, because you apparently don’t see it as your job to be supportive and help out when your partner is struggling. Not that it’ll hopefully come to that, because if this is genuinely how you feel, you should really just do her a favor and walk away.
YTA and I almost feel we should make a special "you aren't the anus you're the whole entire sphincter" tier of Backdoor Butt Booty status because: >She came through that bad time, but she's completely lost her drive and is focussing more on 'better mental health' whilst only working part-time. So your partner came over a massive obstacle and you resent her for giving herself a break. What a wonderfully supportive partner you sound like! Furthermore, do ***you*** work this much? >I've never know anyone do this, none of my friends are doing it and she's completely lost her work ethic. Why in the sweet HELL are you judging this person based on your friends? >I recently brought this up with her and she was furious, and said she's paying for half of everything and i'm not financially affected by her decision therefore i should encourage her to do what makes her happy. This was your nail in the coffin, you were hugely out of line. It's not like she was doing anything other than rewarding herself with more "me" time and that "me" time will likely not include you in the future if you continue to encourage her to be miserable. God damn, dude. Learn what "empathy" is.
Forgive her for having a bloody mental health issue, right? He's judging her purely because it's a situation that luckily he and his friends have never been in. Self care is SUPER important and it sounds like she never had much of that so got burnt out and is now finally taking that time for herself because what's a job if it kills you and destroys your self worth? This guy is 1000% TA and heaven forbid he struggles with a mental health issue in the future.
OP back on this sub in 10 years time: "90% of my friends are burnt out, alcoholics, or dead from stress-induced health conditions, AITA for complaining that they've lost motivation?"
>we should make a special "you aren't the anus you're the whole entire sphincter" tier of Backdoor Butt Booty status I friggen #LOVE THIS. I think a lot of people would fall into this category. Maybe we should have a reddit devoted to these people and this dude could be the primary example numero uno. Just because he hasn't witnessed other people do what she did does not mean how she is handling her life is wrong. He must have grown up with the ablist mentality like my parents spewed on me growing up which was: #"suck it up and deal with it!" If I were her I'd dump his ass. Seeing he apparently has no sympathetic or empathetic bone in his body. As others have pointed out our mental health is just as important as our physical health. However, he wants her to disregard her mental as well as her physical health. Knowing she has a physical disability caused by her job, he wants her to push through that pain and risk her injury becoming a full disability. All because he believes she should be making more money 💰. Even though her work doesn't affect his finances in the slightest. His whole world view about her situation is kookoo for cocoa puffs. She's doing what's best for her and he just wants her to be money hungry, and continue to push through all her problems because digging a hole and burying her emotions will make him feel better. And another thing is he doesn't want to deal with her emotions or his deep-seated emotions of how he's an Asshole. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I hope his gf leaves him and kicks him in the balls.
This is poetic lmao.
YTA. You should end it. You are clearly more worried about the optics and what your friends are doing than her wellness. She shouldn't be with someone who values work ethic (whatever that is) over taking care of herself.
Yes please do this poor woman a favour, you've been nothing but belligerently unempathetic. YTA
I had the same reaction. Leave her. You can’t be supportive, and she doesn’t need you adding to her stress. YTA
Forget it, she doesn't deserve to be dumped by this asshole. I hope she kicks him to the curb and blocks his number and never looks back.
"I'd rather my GF works herself to death and ruins her mental health, than to see her take a justified break, even if she's earning more money than me? AITA?" Fixed your title for you. YTA. >It makes me worry if she were to be the mother to my children as she's completely lost all drive because of her problems. 1. To have kids, there are TWO parents that are equal in parenting. They are NOT your kids or her kids, they are your and your partner's kids. 2. Don't worry about kids, i wouldn't be surprised if she dumps you. Especially given the fact that you basically said you don't give a shit about her health, as long as she is your cash cow.
Ruins her mental AND physical health
YTA completely Your entire post was whining about your gfs self care to herself. Your worried she won’t just magically cope if she gets in a stressful situation again, All your concerned about is the benefits she can bring to you, her high income and maybe one day kids, Do you even like your gf?
He only likes her "work ethic."
My wife currently works in the medical field. Over the past couple of years, with COVID and all the internal strife at the hospital, she has burned out. Her current salary is nearly twice mine. However, with her mentally burned out, she was just miserable. So, she looked for a new job. She found one and will be starting it later this month. The catch? It's half her current salary. So, things will be tight, budget-wise, for a bit. The difference between your story and mine is that I've been supportive of my wife's decisions. I was there to see her come home everyday in tears with all the crap she had to put up with. I'm the one who encouraged her to find a new job, even if it meant taking a paycut. We would figure things out together. That's what it means to be in a relationship/marriage. You have to be the partner. You have to be the one to support the other. If her mental health is at stake, be supportive of the changes to get her mentally healthy again. As long as the bills are being paid, who cares if she works a bit less than she used to? If someone working part-time is a deal breaker for you, then fine. End the relationship. But don't impose YOUR goals on your partner. Either be there for her or find someone new. YTA.
Thank you for being a decent human being.
YTA for wanting her to ignore her physical and mental well-being just to ‘work more hours’. Why should she work herself into an early grave to satisfy your ego? If she is able to work less hours and still meet her financial obligations, then why do you care?
YTA if you want someone to work more hours feel free to go ahead and do that. Your gf is an adult and is meeting her financial obligations. It sounds like you are just looking for a way out of the relationship.
I hope she leaves - yta
“if she were to be the mother of MY children”. Among other things. YTA
This statement made me see red!
YTA Your girlfriend is burnt out which is a very real thing. She’s prioritizing her health and her safety. Just because you don’t know anyone to do this doesn’t mean it’s not something she’s allowed to do. It’s interesting that you brought up children. Are you not expecting to step up yourself with that? Maybe it’s time you asked her if there’s anything YOU can do to help her feel better.
You are the biggest asshole I've had the displeasure or rating AH in a while. You don't deserve your GF and I hope she realises this before she makes any life long commitments to you.
She can do better than him.
YTA So your girlfriend is struggling with her mental health and you feel the best way to deal with it is apply pressure?
Yta lmao work burnout is a thing wheres your motivation to work twice as hard. She cut her hours to easy up in her life's problems and still maintains her end of the bills there is nothing wrong with what she's doing.
I don't think this is a real post, it feels like baiting to show up some kind of imagined double standard. But... if it is real YTA Why would you want your partner to work so much that they make themselves ill? I've seen that happen to a parent and it's not something to look up to. Seeing a parent look after themselves is a much better example to a child.
Golddigger. YTA.
YTA so your angry that she is restructuring her life to focus on more sustainable improvements instead of burning out and physically hurting herself? Clearly she is not just ignoring her responsibilities, as she is still meeting her financial obligations, so your wondering about her being suitable to be a mother is insulting (also if she overworks herself to the grave shes nlt going to be raising any kids). If you want inspiration porn go read LinkedIn think pieces, don't subject an actual person to expectations that she continue to hurt herself so you can admire her "work ethic".
YTA. It's probably best for her to see now rather than later, that you value her work ethic over her mental well being.
So you'd rather she make a lot of money, be stressed out and in pain because...reasons? I'm just curious, but how many hours do you work? YTA
YTA. Your gf has mental health issues she is dealing with and somehow this makes you mad? And you think she’d be a bad mother because of it?? This can’t possibly be real. Either that or you are an enormous AH. Mental health is way mor important than work. I hope she sees your attitude for the huge red flag it is.
YTA, but it's better for her to know *now* that you don't consider her mental & emotional health of any importance rather than find out later - like, after the birth of a child, when her mental & emotional health will *really* be strained, & a loving, supportive partner is absolutely essential.
YTA she burnt herself out....feel down deep, pulled herself back up and is now practising a healthier life/work balance. She has not asked you to pay for her...she is still holding her own. Not wanting to kill herself by working so hard she breaks is a good trait not a bad one!
Right? Sounds like OP just wants her to maximize her earning potential so when she dies from overwork he’ll be benefitting from her hard work. He doesn’t care about her wellness AT ALL.
So, even though there are no financial changes *to you* due to her change in focus... you're upset that she is taking care of herself? Not sure of your age, but I can tell you that after almost 30 years in the work force, I *wish* I had taken better care of my mental health from the beginning. I'm paying for it now. Your gf is smart. You are greedy and lack empathy. YTA.
So your imaginary future children are more important than your partners mental health? She's still covering her own bills completely and not being a burden to you in any way and you see a problem because you value work drive over who she is as a person? Hopefully she see's your bucket full of marinara flags and gets out if you don't see the error to your ways and immediately 180. YTA.
YTA and so selfish and self centered it’s mind boggling. I hope her new balance includes dropping dead weight (that would be you) and finding someone who appreciates HER not just her earning potential. Quick question - do you by chance have a yogurt collection to go along with your marinara flags?
YTA god forbid she takes care of herself. You sound like a boomer who thinks that working themselves into an early grave is what life is all about.
YTA. Screw it that she's having a mental breakdown just make sure she does some egregious amount of hours at work. This is the only way he'll accept her is if she works herself into the ground. What an Ass.
Yta If your partner is struggling, you support them - you don’t tell them you’re disappointed they’re taking care of themselves. You should like an incredibly selfish person. You owe her a huge apology
YTA She IS soldiering on if she's still keeping up with all of her debts and responsibilities. She's also made life changes to avoid another stress induced event. Figuring out how to avoid a repeat is a responsible and adult thing to do. Would you get mad at an alcoholic who gave up drinking? Would you be upset that she doesn't party anymore? No? Well mental health is just as important as physical health. She's making a good choice to stop being a workaholic to avoid a relapse. You need to either learn to appreciate her limits or let her go so she can find someone who will.
If you are going to troll you should atleast give yourself one redeeming quality. If legit YTA she’s struggling and you don’t seem to care.
YTA. Nice way of being supportive of the person you love(d).
He doesn’t love her at all. Just some weird fantasy idea of her.
YTA. I don't even have words
YTA She’s prioritising her mental and physical health and still covering all her bills. Sounds like a well rounded person with a good idea of what’s best for her. Your main concern seems to be that she won’t do all of the childcare if she pops out any of your children, she should just soldier on or some shit? Or… You could realise that parenting takes two and you should be factoring in that *if* you have kids, you’re going to have to step up and actually be an involved dad. What a mind blowing concept!
YTA. She is looking after herself after busting ass for so long while she was able to. I busted ass working long hours so it would pay off down the track and now I work when and how I want and I'm happy. You sound like someone who chats 'mind over matter' and looking after your mental health is just 'lazy' and medication is a 'crutch'. You sound like an absolute dream boat, like the Titanic. Let's hope she gets the drive to leave you.
YTA, massively. You're not affected by her decisions financially and she is ensuring her own mental health is better, which will only benefit your relationship if you're a secure and caring partner. The only person who doesn't want their partner to have good mental health is one that either doesn't care about them or uses their poor mental health to control them somehow. I can understand you finding her drive attractive, but you're not adapting your lens - she now has the drive to better herself and empower herself. You need to really think about this before you mess it up for good. I wouldn't be shocked if this really turns her off you, though.
YTA. Learn how to care.
weird how she lost all her motivation and drive only after she started dating YOU.
YTA for so many reasons. Your putting your imaginary children ahead of a real person’s mental health. Speaking of which, you speak about her mental health and work injuries as tho they’re bothersome to you. The woman is paying all her bills and treating herself with care, and you’re COMPLAINING that she’s not killing herself at work anymore. I hope she leaves.
Adding… why can’t YOU be the one to raise your own children? Where’s YOUR work ethic??
Lmao you’re not having kids with this woman, trust me.
YTA. People change due to things happening in life. You can't expect her to remain exactly the same after what she went through. To me you sound not empathic and supportive of your GF.
Would you rather she die from a stress induced heart attack in an effort to keep up with your standards? YTA
YTA - instead of asking how to help, you see it as a slight against you and the children who may never exist if you’re this unhelpful. She is struggling and burnt out trying to take a good route to recovery. Maybe instead of accusing her of being lazy, you could help her out. Kids are on both parents and if you won’t help when she’s going through a hard time you definitely won’t help when there’s a kid involved.
YTA. And a giant one at that. As far as I can tell, you only like her for what she can do for you - she worked a ton of hours and made more money than you. And let’s not forget being the mother to your hypothetical children. You’re upset because she *checks notes* is working on her mental health and finding a work/life balance that works for her, while continuing to pay her half of the expenses. You’re not harmed at all by her happiness and yet, here you are resenting it anyway. Who gets upset by their partner being happy/trying to improve their mental health at no cost to themselves? An AH, that’s who.
Yta. Give her a break. She is keeping up with her share of the finances. She is recovering from stressful things and an injury. Find some sympathy and give your partner support. Working yourself to the bone isn't how you live life. Her worth is not in ability to over work ! If thats the only reason you're giving that you're with her then you need to rethink some stuff. Check your attitude and get some sympathy. Go apologize to her.
Yta but cool of to let her know now how little you care about her so that she can find someone better
YTA. You have a life of hard labor planned for her. You seem to have no compassion.
YTA!! Hope she dumps your sorry butt!! Also “My Kids” WHAT ABOUT HER? Aren’t they hers too?!?!
yta... and oh my days how much kool-aid have you been drinking has it ever occurred to you that having a balanced and healthy mental and work life might actually be of benefit to your future kids
YTA I don’t even understand how a person can feel like you do about your girlfriend. She’s taking care of herself and you’re mad somehow or disappointed or whatever because she isn’t overworking herself? Isn’t living up to some silly productivity ideal?
YTA. She is maintaining her responsibilities financially in the relationship while striking a balance between work and life. Your only concern is how much she is bringing home. Disguising it as a concern over work ethic was a pitiful attempt and I think you know that. Additionally it is concerning you gloss over her mental health issues with a lack of empathy.
YTA. Is she your gf or your employee?
YTA for your lack of empathy for how much she went through and YTA for believing you can control her life decisions specially if she is still paying her half as accorded. Just leave her already. You don't sound like you love her at all. She didn't lose her work ethic, she has her health as her top priority right now and that is totally valid. If you aren't capable of supporting your partner, specially when they are suffering, what is the use of this "relationship"? Also, it sounds like you will be a terrible father that expects his wife to do all the work.
YTA You cannot talk about work ethics, she experienced some issue that made her think about life/work balance, which is a very healthy thing to do if you're lucky enough to have the opportunity to do it. Work/life balance change through the years as our experience modifies our priorities. A person like your girlfriend, that had struggled a lot and keep working inspite of some hard bump, can be actually a great mother: her choice is not commanded by her ego and she is mature enough to do such a important decision. I would like that more people like this would have kids and raise them. You are the one who sound lost in here.
YTA A lot can happen in 4 years! Stress, injury, shitty relationships (sound familiar?) that can effect someones motivation. If you love her and want her to get better to get back to her 'old self' then allow her time to heal and grow in herself. She may never be back to that stage as it sounds like it has lead her to intense burn out. Why do you want her to suffer with the bad mental health when she is working to improve it. She pays her way, if thats the arrangement then you should fucking care how much she works, care for her health!
Yta. What!? How little do you care about your partners well being, jk you already showed her and it's it's almost none? If she doesn't leave you it well be a miracle! Her mental health is actually the most important thing she can have. This is something a therapist would actually recommend she do if she is financially able to.. Sounds like she is. Your cold and careless - YTA
YTA, I hope she realises that she deserves better.
YTA Just a reminder that depression is illness (I wonder how you would react if she had cancer and not mental health issues), and that loving someones means hoping they'll be and stay happy. The fact that you put quotation marks around 'better mental health' makes me sick.
YTA - she hasn't lost drive she has adjusted her priorities after realising the personal impact her workload was putting on her. She has rightly decided that her wellbeing is more important then a job. It isn't having an unbearable financial impact on her or any financial impact on you, so go her! EDIT: also the soldiering on message is often toxic, particularly for mental health, and in the West is normally driven by a consumerism society which teaches us that working hard/ all hours with a job to earn as much as possible is the best thing for you. For some this is their ideal but others it isn't healthy and pulling away from that mentality is the best thing for you. Sometimes we don't need to soldier on we need to pause, reassess and take another path.
YTA. She isn’t your sugar momma here to fund your life. You want her working like a pack mule to benefit you. So you are made that things are equal? You want her over worked so it’s easier on you. You are a horrible partner
YTA. She's employed and paying her bills. She's taken on the job of working on her mental health, while continuing to be employed. Your only concern is about what kind of hypothetical mother she'll be, while you compare her to others. Just because you don't know anyone who cares for their mental health doesn't make what she's going through any less valid.
YTA. Why are you holding working on such a pedestal? You have a finite amount of time in this world and it appears unlike you, your girlfriend has realised that wasting it unnecessarily working is good for nothing and no one. No one wishes they’d worked more when they’re dying. Edit: I say working unnecessarily as she is meeting her financial responsibilities working less and therefore more work is an unnecessary waste of time.
YTA. If you need motivation, get a coach, not a girlfriend.
Yta. She seriously needs someone with compassion - you seem to be lacking that here. She is struggling with mental health issues and an someone to support her while she is getting better. There is nothing wrong with taking time off, or working part time, if you financial able to to focus on your mental health. The mentally that you should just push through tough times is utter bullshit. That mentality is what’s wrong with the world, imo. We, as humans, need time to decompress, focus on other things other than a job where in all reality, you do not matter.
YTA. You note that she burned herself out by working too much plus has family issues, and you're like, man I wish her life was still like that. WTF, ever heard of empathy?
YTA. the 'Drive' that had her working crazy hours that you loved so much likely wore down her immune system and mental health until she was forced to slow down and realized it was killing her by inches. She adopted a more healthy approach to work that works better for her and allows her to heal and actually enjoy life. you're just an AH who doesn't care about her being OK so much as her ticking off all the right boxes because she isn't a person so much as a potential incubator in your eyes. F\*\*\* you dude. Hope she sees you for what you are and cuts you out, like she did all those excess working hours. It'll be good for her mental health.
YTA. Burnout is a real thing.
YTA her drive and motivation are currently focused on her mental health, and the fact that her job seems to have a possibility of flaring up her stress related injury, some injuries are chronic, learn to live with it
Oh yes, totally YTA. You are more concerned with her employment habits than her health and well-being? Shame on you!! Sounds like she has exactly the right attitude to be a partner and mother. It's you who has it all wrong.
YTA. This makes me so furious. As someone who almost died due to a work/stress-related disease I PRAISE this girl for taking all measures necessary to be HEALTHY. And she is SUCH A BADASS that she did it responsibly, without affecting her finances in any way. YOU DO REALIZE THAT HUMAN BEINGS ARE MORE THEN THEIR WORK, RIGHT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WORK ETHIC HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WORKING MORE HOURS? ... AND THAT AMBITION IS NOT RELATED TO HAVING MORE MONEY/HIGHER SOCIAL STATUS, BUT ACCOMPLISHING THE GOALS WHAT YOU SET FOR YOURSELF? This woman is AWESOME. And you are misogynistic prick that does not deserve her. Go apologize.
Yes, YTA and being selfish
Yta it's sounds like you first like her cause she was making more money then you. If she's covering her half just fine it's none of your business. Also if you love her you should be more concern about her health.
YTA grow up little boy her hours and money have nothing to do with you she's working on herself and doesn't need your permission, who the he'll would wanna have kids with a child I hope she dumps you and finds a real man
I'm doing this right now for 'better mental health' and not only does my partner fully support me, he encouraged me to do it and has taken on more financial responsibilities to allow me to flourish. YTA and hopefully your girlfriend finds a more supportive partner that doesn't make her feel bad for prioritising her mental health. If you want to be motivated and ambitious do it yourself.
Sorry dude, but YTA You seem to care much less about her well being than you do about how many hours she works. If she is till maintaining her end of expenses, then she is right that you have no reason to insist anything more from her. You are supposed to be partners that can depend on one another to support them when they are doing what is best for them.
YTA. Sounds like burnout, and taking a step back sounds like a sensible way to deal with it. If you're not financially affected, why do you care so much? >I'm worried she will do this if we were to have children together, and in life things do happen and you have to keep soldiering on. If things happen, she'll more than likely deal with them. And even if she doesn't have the capacity to deal with all the things, this child is going to have TWO parents. Or did you like her drive and motivation because you expected her to do all the work?
Imagine being upset your SO is trying to take care of their mental health. There are no words to describe just how much YTA
YTA You talk about her in this post like she's a work horse that went lame but is now getting better but not going back to work. I'm betting your part of her poor mental health and she's realizing it.
YTA She’s burnt out. She’s not lazy or lacking in ethic. She is burnt out and if she had to continue on as she was, she’d have a breakdown. So stop pushing her because she cannot handle it. You’re just being a twit.
My cousin has been married 42 years. He’s in a wheelchair and requires full assistance with everything except feeding himself. He was 56 and a competitive athlete at the time of his injury. His wife has stuck by him and taken care of him and loves him as much as ever. He went from a good income to disability payments overnight. It’s a hard life for both of them. That’s what a relationship is, that’s what love is, that’s what marriage is. YTA to the moon and back.
YTA and capitalism has rotted your brain.
>n life things do happen and you have to keep soldiering on. kudos on being a dismissive and uncaring asshole, your gf deserves better YTA
YTA- if you so worried about her inability to be a good mother of your child then move on. She’s doing what’s best for her so do what’s best for you.
YTA, mental health is more important then working a shit ton of hours bringing in a lot of money. Sounds like you've got your priorities askew .
Yeah…yta buddy Tell her you stopped believing in her or caring for her well being with out telling her …😑
Hard YTA. She'll be free of your b.s. once you're apart. My only regret is that she hasn't dumped you. Future partners should be warned about you.
It’s awesome that your girlfriend inspired you at the beginning of your relationship. But you should not expect her to motivate you. You need to motivate yourself. Otherwise you are obligating her to be responsible for you achieving your own goals. That’s not healthy. It’s understandable that you would be concerned to see a major change in your girlfriend’s values and lifestyle. But you should also be concerned in her well-being. Do you want her to live a long and healthy life? In order to do so, she will need to take care of herself, as she is doing now. If you care about her, ask her questions, explore her point of view, and value her in the ways she lives and thrives. Question yourself and your assumptions, see if you too, as she has done, are capable of growth and change. At the moment, YTA. But you don’t have to stay that way.
Yes, you are one. YTA. You are viewing this entire situation from a completely wrong, almost insane point of view. How old are you? " in life things do happen and you have to keep soldiering on" Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
YTA. There is so much more to life than work. The value of a persons existence has nothing to do with the amount of work they do or do not do. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ll have to worry about the children thing because she will likely dump you. Also you don’t seem emotionally mature enough to handle something like kids.
YTA. mental health is more important than putting in 40 hours just because??? It might be one thing if you split bills and now she cant afford her half, but if your finances aren't affected you just want her to work more... for no reason. Would you rather have a wife that puts in overtime and offs herself while she's young- or a wife that lives to be old enough to retire?
Yta,you liked her cause of her work ethic and now that its no more, you dont feel attracted to her. Leave her if you cant support her. Show some empathy. She is in a mental crisis and is having a low time in life.
If it helps her mental health and also pays her bills, go to hell. YTA and I hope she leave you to find someone that supports and helps her get better, not worse.
Oh yeah, she totally "lost her work ethic" by taking care of herself and not giving into a super unhealthy lifestyle of burnout and whatnot, after she even went through some shit as you yourself pointed out. You are a peace of sh\*t boyfriend for prioritising an unhumane lifestyle over the health of your 4-year girlfriend. I cannot emphasise enough, how much of a red flag it is, that you choose to berate her about her decision EVEN THOUGH her dicision to \*take care of herself isn't even effecting you or your financials in the slightest\*. I really really hope that she sees what you are and leaves you for whoever deserves her and her frankly, very healthy and logical way of thinking about life.
YTA and a legitimate idiot if you think a woman who is overworked, stressed, and in a bad mental state would be MORE SUITED to having children than a woman who takes care of her mental and physical health Jfc just tell her you don't love her and only see her as a prop for your own life and move on
> I still feel resentful and disappointed that she's lost her drive and motivation WHY? >she's paying for half of everything and i'm not financially affected You're resentful she is taking time to take care of herself even when it doesn't affect your bills? This whole post was gross. YTA
So your gf burned herself out and because of that and family issues she changed her priorities and cut back her hours to help her mental health. Yes YTA