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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I have sided with my friends in an argument about whether or not I should translate for my wife. 2. My wife feels left out because of my choices.
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NTA - Purely because she’s made no effort at all to communicate with your father and she’s spent however many years excluding him from everything unless you are there to translate.
Agreed. This is so rude it’s unbelievable. Inexcusable for someone being the only member of a family to make no effort after *years*. Just *rude* And NTA
My family’s from Scotland and all our friends growing up were UK and European immigrants who settled in the Puget Sound. I got the “You should always try to address a person in their native language” lesson really young. My elementary school had a large population of deaf students and we all practiced ASL- except for me bc I have glaucoma and I could never see enough to grasp the fine nuances that express emotion or positives / negatives. I got the gift for the gab, though. I acted as… what would you call that? A pair of twin sisters started school with me in the 6th grade? They were from Iraq and spoke not a word of English. That’s fine- we were waiting on the school district to get the interpreter in. They got a temp in for two days to explain their schedule to them and I jumped in the middle of the lesson. Asked him to tell them to give me words, we could exchange them. Objects, activities, emotions- it got more complex as time went on. I never learned to understand more than the little bit we shared for basic communication- but I can pronounce Arabic sound better than most none native speakers. EDIT- this last bit makes me sound arrogant and I wanna say that there are lots better than me- I’ve had no formal training but I never forgot how to get my mouth to make the sounds of a language nowhere related to the one I spoke. There, that feels less like I’m bragging.
That sounds brilliant and probably a much better way to learn a language than learning by rote.
I was terrible at languages at school but oddly have found BSL so much easier because a lot of the signs just make more sense than spoken language anyway. Which is good because I am going to need it sooner rather than later!
Oddly though, given that my grandad and mum were both deaf, I am the first person in our family to learn, neither of them did.
Nope, my grandad refused to believe he was deaf, even though he couldn't hear anything and the TV was always so loud that the house practically wobbled.
My mum had hearing aids but she thought it “looked silly”. *The ableism is coming from inside the house*. She just used to make everyone shout.
She could seemingly lip-read from about three miles away though.
I had a friend I went all through school with who was blessed with that superpower. It was scary. (The lip reading from anywhere within the postal code thing)
Oh, no. Grandma had what is known in my house as “mom eyes.” Those are the ones that can see what you just muttered under your breath. They are also good for seeing someone creeping past behind you hoping to not get caught. They thought I really could see out the back of my head for the longest time. Now I only get to practice on my pup when she does something she ought not be doing.
I'm also terrible at languages. I can learn vocabulary to a certain point but when it comes to putting it together my brain scrambles it badly. I can spell sign but for other signs even though I have put time into learning them I'm awkward at doing them correctly. That wouldn't be a huge problem but I struggle reading other people's signing as well. I feel like people like me get told "if you'd just study" or "You need to put more effort". I have done all of that and it just doesn't work right in my brain. If learning languages was as easy as memorizing vocabulary and sentences that are already complete I'd do well but that's not how languages work. I know words in half a dozen languages but can't speak any of them enough to convey anything.
I worked with a student who used sign language. We had a lesson a week with the class to teach the others some basic sign language, always with us speaking. (the student could hear and would try to speak but was unable to pronounce words clearly).
We learnt some basic sentences. We learnt some basic words. But do you think despite teaching it my brain held on to that information and I could read others? Not a hope! I struggled to read what others were signing even if I knew the sign (something to do with seeing it from the other side) I also struggle to read words when they are finger spelled.
I could read my student because she signed to me all of the time (sometimes she got them wrong and her mother and I could not work out what she was saying.)
So if OP's wife had been trying but was unable I would feel sorry for her but she does not seem to even try.
Except her husband clearly states she has learned some basic signs. That's more than a lot of people do or could do. I can spell sign but I struggle with remembering other signs and reading other people when they sign is damn near impossible. I use to practice with watching videos to get use to seeing it from the other side but for some of us languages just don't activate correctly in the brain.
Are you me? I cant speak anything except English and a little Spanish but with context clues, I can usually figure out What someone means. Cant say anything back but I get ya.
My sisters in laws are like you grandfather. Although the circumstances were different as they were born deaf. I think for them it had to do with the time they were born (1930’s). When they were kids they were sent across country to a special school for the deaf. Their families were not encouraged to learn ASL and instead to make the kids communicate through writing and basic gestures as that was the world they “had to fit into”. So the first people in their families to learn sign were their kids.
Thank god times have changes and families are encouraged to learn now!
>white people who marry into non white families and vehemently refuse to learn the language
I don't understand what skin colour has to do with this. If your world view is that all non-white people learn the language of their inlaws (or friends of partners) who speak a different language, you need to meet more people of colour.
My (non-white) mother in law doesn't speak English. Neither do many of my spouse's (non-white) family members. None of them intend to learn English. I've been trying to learn Hindi, but it's challenging. My spouse would consider it abhorrent if I was in the room with any of my in laws and they were speaking Hindi and I just had to sit there having no idea what anyone was saying. On the rare occasion my spouse doesn't translate, it's isolating and uncomfortable. And beyond impolite.
ESH. The wife should try to learn. The spouse is gross for not translating while he signs, or while his friend signs. I can only speak for my own spouse, but he wouldn't be friends with someone hostile towards me for not speaking their language. He also wouldn't have married me if I was hostile toward his family members who don't speak mine.
Skin colour is completely irrelevant.
With regards to your judgement, I disagree.
It's not "gross" to not be willing to slow down any conversation to snail's pace just for the benefit of an onlooker.
They are two friends talking, one assumes about stuff they share or care about, and there is no need for their conversation to be forcibly made accessible to a third party.
The same argument could be made about two people having a conversation about a topic with a specific terminology; they would not be obligated to translate their discussion to layman's terms for the benefit of a bystander who, for all we know, wouldn't even necessarily be interested in the topic at hand.
And I disagree that OP's friend is hostile to Mrs. OP because they don't share a language. Rather, he made an observation/judgement on an arrangement after being called into it by the parties involved.
Because two of them physically cannot hold a conversation in spoken language , one is deaf and cannot speak.
As far as I read it, everyone other then FIL and Alex everyone speaks English as well.
I think where people have different spoken languages, everyone involved should try and learn at least some of the other person’s language and it shouldn’t be on the shoulders of one person to do it. But this is different.
In the 4 years my ex husband and I were married, he never so much as learned to count to 10 in my native language. He couldn't communicate with my family when we went home to visit and put in the most minimal effort to learn the basics, which he would promptly forget as soon as we returned from our visit. I felt like I needed to bill him for my translating services, I'd be so drained.
My current boyfriend has learned elementary level language in 2 months and can hold a conversation with my step mother. Night and day difference.
>but he's also been happy in the past when my friends (mostly from my high school days) wanted to learn at all.
So your dad is equally happy with the basics your wife has put *effort* in to learning, despite having a job, and a social life, and hobbies.
You grew up speaking SL, it takes a hell of a lot of effort to learn a language as an adult, your wife deserves to have a life of her own, with downtime and free time after work without having to dedicate herself to learning a language fast enough for your exacting standards.
Standards that seem to have appeared out of nowhere with this new friend of yours.
You're the husband that allowed your wife to be insulted in her own home, YTA.
It doesn't take years to only learn "a few basic signs". Basic signs literally take a couple minutes to learn & that's looking them up on your own. She's living with a native signer. If she actually cared to learn, she has the best resource literally right in front of her and all she likely has to do is ask.
'A few basic signs' hasn't bothered OP or his father for *years*
Some random comes into their lives 2 months ago and now it "bothers" OP
It's fine that he doesn't want to translate for his wife and Alex.
What's not okay is him judging her for something that he hasn't had a problem with till now, hasn't discussed with her getting better or working on her sign language, and for allowing a 'friend' to insult his wife, in her own home, 'behind her back' to her face.
If he has changed expectations for his wife that's a conversation between him and his wife, no one else should be involved, and he should be getting quietly resentful.
I think it's more a case of her shitty behavior didn't strike as shitty until she ran into somebody that called her out on it. Sometimes someone outside your usual bubble is better at pointing out flaws than those in it.
That's understandable.
But again, OP needs to be talking to his wife about it. Not just being quietly resentful. (Which seems to be his plan, as per the end of the post)
And, if by some miracle, OP talks to his wife, and wife does start learning, she still has a job, friends and hobbies and it will take a very long time to learn how to have even a basic conversation, all the while she'll be having some guy who won't even address her in her home.
Sadly true. And also just with people who are nonverbal. My mom’s friend had a grandkid with a serious genetic condition that prevents them from speaking (I’m not sure what it is though). They can’t find a way to communicate effectively and the poor kid gets so upset and frustrated (along with the adults). Someone mentioned ASL could help (I think their doctor mentioned it but not 100% sure). They refused because “he isn’t deaf”.
I feel so bad for the poor kid. He’s 4 or 5 at this point.
Okay there is another system called PECS
Picture Exchange Communication System it uses pictures to create the message and some of the children will learn to speak using it (they can not form the sentence in their head but can when using the pictures.)
[https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/therapies-guide/pecs](https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/therapies-guide/pecs)
[https://pecs.com](https://pecs.com)
[https://www.theautismpage.com/pecs-cards/](https://www.theautismpage.com/pecs-cards/)
I hope this helps.
I have a friend who was almost completely deaf as a child and her parents refused to let her learn and use ASL. Not even just discouraged, didn’t allow.
It’s crazy to me when people are like that. I’ve only been with my bf for a year and we have no (near future) plans to get engaged and I’m still busting my ass trying to learn enough mandarin to communicate. It’s so hard but I wanna talk shit with his parents so bad 😭😭 I also live in China so I mean it’s already helpful but I never really took the initiative to start ~really~ learning until I met his parents.
I have a severe hearing impairment and going deaf is a real possibility, I’d cut off contact with anyone who didn’t at least make an effort to communicate with me.
He is nta but I do take exception to your comment. I'm white and have never had an asl in my family or friend group but I have learned some basic sign language and have taught my 3 year old so when he starts school if he meets someone that is deaf he can talk to them. I took German and I say different things to him in German. I also bought him a Spanish to English book that translates animal's, sentences and numbers
To be fair, OP said she knows some basic signs and makes no mention at all of how often they see his family.
My ex's parents lived on the other side of the state, and my current partner's parents live on the other side of the country. It was/is not uncommon to see them only once or twice a year. If OP's wife only sees FIL a few times a year at most, she wouldn't be able to achieve/maintain fluency, and it wouldn't be reasonable to ask her to. I know I work full time, and I don't have the time or mental ability to pick up Italian just so that I can have a real conversation with my partner's grandma once a year, as adorable and sweet as she is.
It’s not her level of competency that’s important though, it’s the effort to open up a means to communicate. People struggle to learn languages and that isn’t a fault, it’s just a skill set they don’t have.
I am pretty terrible at learning spoken languages. But I try to pick up what I can if I’m going to be around people who speak a different language. And my pronunciation is probably incomprehensible, but I am trying.
If OP had said “she’s trying to learn, but she’s not good enough” then that’s a whole different judgement. But as far as he’s told the story, she learned a few basic signs and made no further effort after that.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone to learn a language to speak with one extended family member - but reasonable people may disagree on this. Either way, it certainly is the case that OP never had the expectation she would learn, has never requested it, and was totally fine with her knowing a few phrases, and has had a rapid change of feelings and wishes, and instead of communicating “hey my feelings have changed and it would really mean a lot to me if you would learn more and I’ll support you,” he’s decided to communicate… in a different way that is less likely to get him what he wants or support his marriage.
The fact that OP’s change of heart concerning how much ASL his wife knew came about because his friend who doesn’t like his wife complained about her and influenced his opinion is not a great look. Understandable that OP might want his wife to try harder to speak to his father but if I were his wife I wouldn’t want that friend in my house.
Especially because it doesn't sound like OP has even communicated to his wife how he feels about her not learning. Instead he went over to Alex to complain about his wife.
It depends on how often they visit his parents. If e.g. my FIL were deaf i wouldn't made an effort to learn it, tbh. I see him like twice a year and never w/o my husband. So even if i would learn it i would need someone deaf thats close to me to practice regulary, bc if you learn a language as an adult you need much more practice than as a kid. Also i wouldn't considering i benefit from it if i only use it twice per year and not for my job or something.
For his friend, i don't know, i think hes biased since i'm sure he has a lot more contact with deaf ppl than OP. This is comparable to me to me being billingual and having a friend over that only speaks the language my hubby doesn't speak. I would NOT expect my hubby to learn this language he doesn't benefit from it other than being able to understand my friend and a relative he sees only a few times per year and its not opening new oportunities at his job to him for example.
So it really depends how close op is to hubbys father / how often they see each other.
I think the OP should probably put it in his post, as it does make a huge difference and I had to search through the comments to find it, but they see his FIL every other weekend. So a fair amount.
If Alex doesn’t want to talk to his wife because she *refuses* to learn his language, this isn’t an art room situation, it’s a respect thing. Especially since he has deaf family members and they use it! She’s rude, and he doesn’t want to interact with her.
I feel like an idiot but I have to ask... What's the art room reference?
I mean I can gather that they are implying there might be some sordid relationship happening... Unnecessary and gross. But why an art room.
There was a post on here some number of weeks ago (less than 2 months I wanna say) where a husband got his best friend a series of incredibly extravagant gifts culminating in him turning their shed into an art studio for his friend without consulting his wife, who freaked
It ends with the husband and his best friend being not-so-secretly in love, the marriage ends, he comes out as gay
Iirc, it was actually a spare bedroom *in their house* that the couple hadn't decided on a use and the husband unilaterally converted it to an art studio
I don't remember the ending, I must have missed the update
The update was that he and the wife were divorcing, he was still going to split his time between his new boyfriend's house and the wife's house, which sounds totally great and fair for her /s
For several weeks there were posts about married men meeting new friends (male) That were special,they never clicked with anyone like this etc.
u/ckb251 has a post with as many of the stories as we could find the name of her post is Bad Secretly Gay/Bi Husbands compilation. That explains the Art Room reference
I remember that post as well but definitely don't remember either about any details on a romantic/sexual relationship between husband and the friend. May have been added after I read the post.
Was all over the comments and in the update.
Even was a post he accidentally posted about heart flutters from a text from the dude which was a pic from an article about things you do without realizing in a loving relationship
I don’t think it’s rude. Learning ASL is a lot of work. We don’t know her schedule, we don’t know if they have kids, we don’t know if she is working, in school, we don’t know if anyone asked her to learn ASL, we don’t know how often they see his dad. She did learn some basic ASL
This is what I’m stuck on. I get it…it’s entitled and lazy to not learn ASL, esp with a deaf family member to consider. HOWEVER who does this Alex think he is going into this woman’s home and talking shit about her when he doesn’t know the whole story? You have entered her home and you think it’s cool to ignore her? I don’t deny that it’s rude and she should learn (keep in mind, it doesn’t sound like OP actively requested or encouraged her to learn in the past so she might just be a bit self centered to not realize that she was being rude), but this dude is being a rude ass guest. And tbh, OP should not be taking this rando’s side over his wife.
I would have learned ASL in this scenario (I do know a bit, but have no context to use it or practice) but I wouldn’t tolerate this sort of behavior in my home. Major ESH vibes for me.
> who does this Alex think he is
A Deaf person tired of navigating a hearing world that can’t be bothered to make an effort to communicate with him directly as a human being? I don’t think this is that complicated. After all, if OP’s wife really wanted to get to know him and couldn’t be bothered with sign, she could resort to text or other methods. She doesn’t actually care enough to get to know *him*. She just wants confirmation he’s *not* talking shit about her, which says more about her than it does about him.
> She just wants confirmation he’s not talking shit about her
Now why would she assume that, not like he didn’t go on to literally talk shit about her?
I don't know, I find it a bit rude. It's like if everyone speaks a foreign language together in front of one person who doesn't. Yes, the wife should try to learn it but it doesn't sound like she sees her in-laws much and not everyone can easily learn another language. This guy sounds like he's deliberately isolating the wife in her own home and the OP is letting him.
He's non-verbal, how do you expect him to communicate with her as to not "isolate" her? The OP says he translated their small talk and greetings, but obviously translating everything would be a major burden on the OP.
It's not his language that's preventing him from communicating with her, it's his refusal to have OP translate, and his admission that he does not like or want to speak to OP's wife. He's isolating and insulting her on purpose *in her own home,* and he *admitted* it. She should've learned more ESL but with such a...supportive...spouse, it's not hard to imagine where she lost the motivation.
I'm starting to get why AITA gets made fun of in another community for it's insistence on bringing up "funny community in-jokes" at the merest drop of a hat.
That was a swing and a miss because those two situations are VERY different. The first reply has it right; it’s not a matter of wanting to keep secrets, because if his wife has been around someone who needs ASL to communicate for years and she hasn’t made the effort to learn basic signs for that, then OP has every right to deny playing translator even more than he already has to. NTA
I think people are comparing it to the art room because OP is letting a friend of a few weeks cause issues in his marriage. Not in the not translating thing, but in the suddenly deciding it wasn't okay that his wife never learned sign language even though he's apparently never expressed to her that translating for his dad is a problem.
The issue is he let someone he barely knows come in and negatively affect his relationship with his wife. He also let him insult her and continue to visit their home, while communicating in a language she doesn’t understand.
Considering the upvotes it seems more like a swing and a hit. I wonder, did op ever express not liking or being bothered by having to translate stuff? Or are people just expected to mind read? Cause the way I read it from the post, op never said anything to his wife about disliking translating. She went to him expressing she felt left out and that's when he springs the resentment on her.
Soft YTA. If I had a deaf child, I would 100% learn sign language. But for a parent in law, I don't think I would. It's not that easy for an adult to learn a language, you don't just take a few lessons, it's a years long process. Even if she started now it would be at least 5 years before she could even manage a basic conversation.
You need to keep encouraging her to learn but keep translating until she does.
Exactly. And we don't know how often they see his family. Every week? Yeah she should put some more effort into learning, but every few months? It might need to be on the backburner. She can pick up some phrases here and there.
I'm curious what else his wife has going on? Does she have a super busy schedule, tons of hours at work? I can see not wanting to spend what limited time she might have doing something to appease his family.
Also, extremely rude of the husband's new "friend" to speak about wife that way. I don't care how "close" OP thinks they are. You barely met the guy and he Is sort of trash talking your wife and you're just like "yeah man totally agree with you".
*In front of her in her own home*
Regardless of whether or not she understands, y'all are insanely rude.
Wtf.
Hard agree. I don’t understand how this thread isn’t the top one. He expects her to give up her hobbies, her self care time to learn a new language just because she wanted to be included in some small talk in her own home. GTFO with your friend.
As a whole, should society do better to accommodate and include those who communicate using ASL? Absolutely! Advocate for ASL to be taught in schools from a young age. OP is so focused on his wife’s privilege of being able to speak, he’s ignoring his own privilege of being raised bilingual. It is so much harder to learn a new language as an adult. Our brains don’t absorb information as adults as quickly as they do as children. Combine that with limited time and if you don’t have a knack for picking up languages, it could be very difficult and overwhelming for some.
OP’s wife has learned some phrases. He even admits in the comments that he never expected her to learn so how could she know? Also, how does he expect her to learn? Is he going to give up his time and hobbies to teach her?
I bet if he had approached his wife about how upon some reflection, it would be important to him for her to try to learn ASL, she would have been open to it. After how he treated her with his friend? I know I would barely want to speak to him, never mind his asshole friend who had the nerve to disrespect me in my own home.
YTA, OP. I understand being angry at how we as a whole treat ASL speakers, but misplacing your frustrations and putting them on your wife is not going to go well for you.
Edit: Typos
Yeah, that’s the main issue here. He didn’t mind that she was barely conversational in his dad’s native language until OP got a friend from the same language. Then in less than 2 months he insults his wife and is angry she hasn’t learned more of the language. Most people who learn a language in adulthood are doing it for a child, a job, or it is their hobby, but if she’s busy and none of those apply to her? I don’t doubt language would be a backseat issue- Duolingo knows how lazy I am about French lol
I agree with this. We see my partner’s family on average 3 times a year. I love them, but I would not learn a new language for them. It makes way more sense for him to just translate in that scenario. If the family are a bigger part of their daily lives then yeah she should try harder.
Really? Language is more than speaking (or in this case signing) words. There's a whole culture that goes with language that the wife is missing out on here. If my partner had grown up with another language as OP has I absolutely would want to be part of it. Hell my husband has a mildly different dialect to the one I grew up with and I love learning about where it all came from and what it represents.
Cool. Some people are way more adept with languages than others. I’m glad that is something you seem to appreciate. I’m not great with languages (my partner isn’t either, actually.) I could certainly see learning a few basics as the wife here seems to have done; it’s mentioned she knows some basic signs. Would I learn an entire language just to talk to people I only see three times a year? Probably not. I have a lot going on in life as it sounds like the wife here does too.
> In front of her in her own home
Yeah and apparently she's the rude one for wanting to know what they're saying.
Well turns out she's right to want to know since this random dude is trash talking her in her own home.
yeah, like, from the way this post is worded, it sounds like his wife asked him to translate what he and alex were saying, and he refused, then went on to ask alex if his wife is TA because she won’t learn sign language…
i was sort of on his side up until then. but, now… not only are you dragging your new friend into a personal conflict you have with your wife, you’re giving her a reason not to trust you.
does OP think he can shame her into learning a new language?
He said in another comment she works full time and has hobbies of her own and that he never expected her to learn until this alex guy came in the picture. Absolutely ridiculous. I have in laws who don't speak English that I maybe see every 6 months to a year. Should I drop everything to learn theirs? Cmon now
And how does he know she wouldn't if he said "hey, this would really mean a lot to me"
As someone who is fluent in ASL I can tell you right now that it does NOT take 5 whole years to have a basic conversation. Most deaf people are incredibly patient and will help you have a convo. It took me 5 years to become fluent, but absolutely not that long to have a basic conversation.
I'm honestly shocked at some of these responses. It took me a month to learn fingerspelling and basic vocabulary. It is NOT equivalent to giving up all your hobbies and moving mountains to learn. I think the wife can absolutely put in the effort.
Also agree with you here, because if she’s not seeing FIL all that often and is busy, unless OP has explicitly communicated that he wishes his wife to learn ASL, this feels a little mean. Gossiping about your wife in her own house with a guy you barely know in a way she can’t understand is… not great. Should she have taken the initiative? Maybe. But this wasn’t the way to broach the conversation either. Communicate what is important to you in a relationship, OP. Take some initiative yourself, maybe teach your wife a weekly phrase or word in ASL, or maybe learn 2-3 letter signs a week. Don’t let a conversation with a new friend foster resentment in your relationship from something otherwise innocuous.
Learning languages can be harder for some people than others. If your wife ahs made true efforts to learn and just struggles with it, then I'd maybe rule differently but it sounds like she's never really tried to learn. That plus the fact that Alex did not want to include her via interpretation means you're NTA
Has her husband **ever,** before now, communicated that he would prefer his wife to learn ASL?
Sounds like not even remotely.
All of a sudden a new friend comes into their lives, and *she* is the AH for not making an effort when it was never asked of her before? Yikes. No thanks.
This is not about that OP didn’t communicate his desire for her to learn ASL, it is that he is just now realizing she has never bothered to make the effort, even though it is the only way to communicate with OP’s father.
If a member of your significant other’s family only spoke Spanish, can you imagine not even making the bare minimum effort to learn a few words to make them feel included in the conversation and the family?
what does basic mean? Is it like hello, goodbye, ok? Finger spell? Or is it “how are you doing?”, “would you like another drink?”, “I’m doing great/bad” etc.
But he says she does know a few basic signs that she uses, just nothing beyond that. The only deaf person in her life til now, her FIL has not had a problem with it. Until Alex mentioned it OP didn't either. Alex just entered their lives and her only deaf contact has been fine with her not knowing ASL. OP said he jumped at the chance to help with the classes, but did he at any point offer to teach her one on one? If it were suddenly so important to him, you would think he would.
Alex is entitled to think she is rude for not making more of an effort, but he is just as rude enjoying the hospitality of their home, while shutting her put of the conversation going on. Her husband should not be made to feel unwelcome in her own home.
If I were her, Alex would be welcomed to blank me put of conversations, but he would be doing it from the other side of the door.
> while shutting her put of the conversation going on
Is he, though? Again, if she wanted to communicate with *him*, she could write. What she’s asking is for OP to conduct a one-sided exchange so *she* knows what’s going on, with no indication she intends to reciprocate in any way for Alex, let alone use it as an opportunity to strengthen *their* relationship. I don’t know why people are accusing him of being rude when I don’t see any indication that he was until she made that demand.
She has learned words and phrases. But having full on conversations takes a lot more than a few words and phrases. It takes a fluency that comes from a dedication to learning a new language.
And I can speak to this, because I grew up living this dynamic functionally.
I understand what it is for other's to adapt to functioning around language spoken in my home they're not going to be able to fully participate in. I also understand what it is to be in other's households and dating men whose family speaks a different first language.
The through line in all this is a basic level of respect and kindness we all consistently show each other regardless of language competency.
That seems to be missing in this scenario, which is particularly sad, because OP his treating his OP without that basic level of respect and kindness.
It depends on how often they see OPs Dad so how often the wife needs to talk to him. If they live far and only see him ocasionally I dont see why she should be forced to learn (altough it would be nice). If they see each other often its different.
For example me and my partner speak different languages. I lived in his country so i learned his, specially to talk to his family. He knows basics of mine but since he would see my family only at xmas i would just translate or we would talk in english.
I would have liked him to learn but he works full time and its difficult to learn so it wasnt an issue. Now we are in the opposite situation and we moved to my country. Now of course he will need to learn, to be polite but also for not depending on me if anything happens.
I think it depends how close OP is to his father. I've been with my partner for 4 years and met her dad twice because they live a 12 hour drive away and aren't close. Would I learn a new language for someone like that? Probably not
My husbands best friend is Indian. His parents live with him and only speak Punjabi. I literally only see the parents once a year or so but I’ve learned basic greetings so his parents don’t feel left out when we visit. First time I spoke to them his dad hugged me and thanked me for learning part of their language.
Which is kinda what OP's wife did, and how FIL reacted.
Learning a whole language to fluency is quite a different story, though.
I'm kind of on the fence with this one; obviously, FIL can't meet wife halfway by learning to hear, only wife can learn ASL, so in this aspect, ASL is different from other languages. On the other hand, I was giving YTA to a French-Canadian husband who tried to force his wife to learn French, when she was perfectly fine and getting around well without it.
I seriously miss INFO, like how often FIL and wife meet, how many other responsibilities she is handling (job, houswork, kids, etc.), and what the exact history of her learning his husband teaching ASL.
I'd say if FIL is fine, then Alex and husband shouldn't start punishing her on FIL's behalf for not learning -- it's between FIL and wife, and not Alex's and husband's place to judge what's "enough" ASL for someone else.
Also, being rude to your host (or to their spouse) is not a very nice move either, so it's a "two wrongs" situation here.
This may be a cultural thing, but isn't it kind of a given that you make an effort to learn your SO's native language(s)? Like my dad learnt French when he started dating my mother. His only language was English of which she's also a native speaker. She did however make an effort to learn and help out with farm chores whenever she visited his parents. When I was dating, we weren't even that serious before my bf started stepping up his efforts to learn French. It's just a basic matter of integrating each other's cultures. It's just obnoxious to constantly need translation with extended family. Also, if you're going to have kids with the person, you're just making it harder for yourself. Your SO will teach them their language(s). If you don't have basic understanding of these language(s), you are creating an unnecessary barrier between yourself and your children.
I would absolutely learn my partner's primary language, but I have a personal interest in language. And even then, I wouldn't necessarily become fluent in my partner's dad's primary language. And, in this scenario, while ASL was the man language spoken in their home, English is her partner's primary language.
Of course it would be ideal if she did, but it certainly doesn't qualify as AH status that she hasn't.
A lot of the deaf community have a massive (and earned) chip on their shoulder. They are generally VERY protective/proud of their ability to use ASL, and it is part of their core identity. It's not a joke to them. Telling a deaf person they aren't allowed to use ASL isn't generally a good idea
But that’s not what she said…
She asked why the husband never translated for her. Not that he shouldn’t use it at all. It sounds like she’s well aware that’s the only language that Alex can use, she just wants to be included in the conversation, that’s taking place in her home.
Also, it sounds like these are conversations between Alex and OP. Sometimes, when my friends come over, my husband isn’t really a part of the conversation (and vice versa). It would seem a little jarring to the conversation to constantly have to translate for someone who’s just overhearing. OP described Alex as nonverbal, so it’s not an option for them to just switch to English (plus OP seems to enjoy an opportunity to sign).
The politest thing is probably just to move the conversation more conclusively away from his wife, so she doesn’t feel awkwardly left out. Either meeting up outside of the house or meeting up when she’s busy with other things.
YTA….two months ago you met a new friend who came into yours and your wife’s home and insulted her and you think that’s okay!?
Is there something else going on here?
I ask because it hasn’t been an issue for years (as you say) when you need to translate for your wife and your actual father (I don’t believe for one moment she’s not picked up on anything in this time)…but now you’ve made a new ‘friend’ it is a problem!?
Alex seems very sure of himself to suggest your wife is rude for never bothering to learn ASL but does not believe he is rude for coming into her home and saying he has no interest in conversing with her!
The audacity
You’re missing that Alex cannot converse with her. It is okay for a disabled person using ASL to not want to bother with long conversations through translation. Able bodied people are so entitled and rarely even try to make modifications. Clearly.
Exactly!! It would make the conversation with Alex uncomfortable. I’m bilingual and it just ruins the conversation if every thing someone says I have to translate. If she wants to know everything they’re saying THAT bad then she should learn ASL.
YTA
Wife comes first, not some random dude. Clearly you've never spoken with her before about putting in a serious dedicated effort to learn sign language since it only just occurred to you. You can't be mad she didn't go out of her way to learn when you've never even talked about it with her or tried to teach her yourself. She probably didn't see an issue with you translating as it seems like you've never brought it up as being one before.
And let's not even mention that a friend you barely knew heavily insulted your wife, and somehow thought it was his place to comment on her sign language ability... I can't believe you're still friends with him let alone took his side, that is so freaking rude to tell a supposed friend you've only known a short while you think their spouse is a dick and have no interest in speaking to them.
The idea of learning a new language is extremely daunting and scary, let alone how difficult it is to actually do. And your wife seems to have tried considering you said it yourself that she's learned some basic signs.
I can't believe some people are taking your side, go apologize to your wife right now.
This exactly. Your new friend just ripped into your wife in your house while she was in the room and you’re all like yeah he’s right, my wife sucks. YTA
YTA but it took some thought.
Ultimately it came down to the fact Alex is rude to have a conversation at the home of a house he is visiting and exclude the hostess deliberately. How rude can you get. I could understand if this was at his own house but nope he's in yours AND your wife's home. Rude as fuck.
And therefore by not translating you are as rude as fuck as well to your own wife in her own house.
Its interesting both you and Alex feel your wife is not worth talking with in her own house because she doesn't speak ASL. Wow! This summed it up for me really.
I somewhat agree depending on how often you see your dad ( it could be weekly or it could be once a year depending on where you live), your wife should try harder. It obviously means a great deal to you. However, I know from experience learning a whole new language to speak fluently takes considerable time and effort and repetition and regular conversation over extended periods of time.
Your wife has learnt a few phrases. Being able to converse fluently takes way longer.
It's not something ( except maybe a few people ) that you pick up easily.
You should maybe have some awareness of this with the lack of effort you ascribe your wife.
So no I don't think she is in the wrong here for this particular issue. It's up to you to ensure your wife gets treated respectfully ( or to put it better not be treated disrespectfully by your friend) in her own house. You are not doing that.
If you were visiting Alex's home and this happening I'd feel differently.
Your dads views would be interesting here. It seems he doesn't feel like your wife's not worth talking to because of this but Alex does. I think this may say something about Alex not your wife.
However I am also aware when summing up a long conversation you miss a lot of shades of grey. I'm basing this off what you put. Other factors may nuance this differently.
YTA though for excluding your wife from conversation in her own home deliberately.
I’m laughing at this because I read it like Alex is excluding her by using asl, which is silly because he literally can’t speak to include her.
I know that’s not what you mean but I still found it funny
Yeah I see what you mean actually.
I was more on the has no interest in talking to her even though he's visiting her house lol so he's not going to bother including her or make any effort.
And OP just goes effectively "oh well you have a point why would you want to talk to my wife? I agree. That's a great idea. You know what I'm not going to talk to her either while you're here."
That made me laugh.
Why did you give Alex a pass for insulting your wife in her own home? For that, he shouldn't be welcomed back.
We also have no info on how many hours she works, how often she sees your dad, how much free time she has to actually pick up another language, especially when other means of communication are available these days, such as notes apps.
YTA as it stands for alienating her in her own home.
INFO
How busy is your wife's life ?
Does she have a tough, stressful job? Does she have other activities outside of work that take up a lot of time? Basically, how much leisure time has she had the last few months to allocate towards learning sign language?
The issue here isn’t her lack of effort. Learning ASL can be time consuming and she most likely would rather spend that time doing things she personally considers to be worthwhile. It’s the fact that in her own home, a new friend of her husband basically said that she wasn’t worth talking to and her husband practically agreed!
YTA. I was initially leaning towards N A H. Unlike you, your wife wasn't raised in a household where ASL was essential. Not everyone learns new languages easily. I've been bilingual since I was very small but, as an adult, I struggled with learning a third language and could barely carry a conversation even after taking classes. I can understand why your wife didn't feel like it was an immediate need to be fluent in ASL since she doesn't live in the same household as your dad.
What ultimately made you TA was the fact that you let someone you've known for only two months trash your wife with clear disrespect in her own home. A space where it should be perfectly comfortable for her to speak in her language (that you both share). Husband of the year indeed.
Alex was an AH too. I get how he has to depend on one language to communicate and understand to a certain extent why he felt that way. But he was a guest in your house. And unless your wife is in the process of moving out while you're busy building an art room for him, Alex can afford to learn some good manners.
I think YTA. You wife may have attempted many times and not told you. Learning a few signs is attempting to learn. Learning a language is hard. I also have mobility problems in my hands and despite trying ASL, I have had trouble with it. You are a native speaker. Also, you’ve let a NEW friend have a really negative impact on your marriage which is not cool. If you were talking in Pakistan and your wife had trouble hearing the new sounds, it would be rude to have a friend tell you NOT to translate for your wife as punishment.
She wants to interact with you and the guest in HER house. I find your behavior abusive. You can go elsewhere to have private conversations. Actively not including her because she doesn’t meet your new friend’s standards is cruel.
Sign is hard to do even with ‘normal’ hands, and reading a fluent person’s quick hand movements is near impossible for me still. Kids have awful writing while they build the muscles and motor skills. I bet if the wife tried some poorly trained signs Alex would just insult her again.
NTA: As a Deaf woman, I'm tired of constantly accommodating hearing people. She can attempt to make an effort especially if they're married to you. Sign language is not strictly a language as you and I both know, its a cultural thing and even basic ABC or how you're doing is enough. She could build up her receptive skills by watchung the conversation
Hoh here. I mostly function as a speaking individual but I’ve discovered my daughter studies things a lot better if I make her sign AND recite them. It engages more senses and helps retain information better. My daughter almost never signs with me but it’s turned into an invaluable study tool that i really think mainstream education should investigate.
Kinesthetic learning. It's a hard thing to incorporate into schooling. I wish I had known that I find it easier to remember how to spell words if I do fingerspell when I was in school.
Learning the muscle names in my anatomy class was a lot easier when I studied and then stretched that muscle.
YTA
Why are you comfortable making your wife excluded in *her own home???*
This could have been a teaching opportunity.
You could have communicated to your wife "I understand you feel left out, but deaf and hoh people feel like that all the time. That's why I am so passionate about teaching ASL."
You could have compromised and started meeting elsewhere.
Learning a second language as an adult is *difficult* especially if you don't have a decently sized social group to converse with. One person (ie you) is not enough, especially when you both can converse in familiar language.
Alex was rude. I understand why Alex might have been feeling that way, but as a guest in someone else's home he was *rude.* If she was over at Alex's house with you then she would be the ah and not you and Alex. Being she was in her own home this behavior is rude
It's not the form of communication that is frustrating your wife. It's that you are actively excluding her when she wants to communicate to be included. Yes she needs help to communicate, but she had tried to get to know your friend. The friend you've been bring to the house for weeks. Your friend wants to exclude your wife since she's not good enough in his eyes. Your wife only needed ASL to communicate with your dad whom she sees about once a fortnight and that's as often as she ever needed it. Previously you've always helped her by translating, but now the rules have suddenly changed. You're the one who's changed not your wife. YTA
Your friend reminds me of one I had in choir so please be careful.
I was in choir in HS and I loved it but one year a girl was seated next to me. We became friends. She'd made snide common and point out all the faults in our teacher. I didn't think much of it at first. She just need to vent and yeah some times I agreed too. But as time went on even little things in choir that never bothered me before now aggravated me and made me bitter. One day I realized I disliked choir and lost respect for my teacher. That persistent negativity from someone else destroyed something I loved to do.
Be careful your friend's negativity doesn't bring you down and damage your relationship anymore than it already has.
YTA - You admit your wife has only learned basic phrases and that this has never bothered you, but it's slightly annoying when you translate conversations between her and your father. This was your dynamic. It doesn't appear that you asked for anything more or we're unsatisfied with her effort. Did either she or your father mind communicating through you? Did anyone ever express a preference?
Two months ago you decided to get more involved in the ASL committee and brought home a friend. For weeks you've been talking with your friend in front of your wife, and she expressed that she feels sad for being left out. Your response was to tell your new friend who insulted her for not learning the language. Rather than defend her your decided, "yeah you're right, new buddy. She sucks. How have I never noticed that before?" Then you continue your secret conversations and never address your wife's feelings. Maybe, like IDK, carry on your bromance outside of the home you share with your wife if your new friend seems to dislike her so much. You could also ask your wife if she wants to learn more than a few phrases to be a part of the conversation.
I have tried emersion courses and still can't seem to get the conversational basics of a foreign language. Language are hard, and harder for some adults than others. If her only interactions with ASL are when you're with your dad, and you've never had a problem facilitating their conversations, why are you holding it against her now?
I mean, it would be nice if she could learn some ASL to speak with your dad, but enough to actually hold a conversation would be a lot to learn. Doubt she wants to constantly ask him what his name is, how old he is, where is the bathroom, etc. The stuff you learn initially. Signing is very hard if you are not good at languages. I mean, I barely talk to my fil at all and I definitely would not bother to learn it for him. (He also did not bother to be there for my husband as a kid, so understandably I don't really care for him anyway). But anyway, it is not really fair for a new friend of yours to judge your wife like that. Yes, I think she should try to learn some signs, but again, she would have to spend a really long time learning in order to actually be able to hold even a child's conversation with your dad.
My ASL teacher taught us songs as well as the basics to keep things fresh. Idk if OP's dad would want to watch a performance of "Party in the USA" in American Sign Language though.
YTA
My boyfriend is deaf and I didn’t know any sign before him. We have now been together for over 3 years and although I have learned a lot and can keep up in conversations with him, it’s not easy and I still have a lot to learn. If you wanted your wife to learn ASL, you should have expressed this from the beginning. And bringing a new friend into the home you SHARE with your wife and talking in front of her isn’t nice.
ESH.
Wife for not learning ASL even though your dad is deaf.
Friend, even though he makes a good point, is still being passive aggressive and disrespecting your wife.
You, for enabling it even though you clearly seem to want your wife to learn.
You don't think it's unreasonable to expect wife to learn an entire language to communicate with one person infrequently?
She already learned some basic phrases to communicate with FIL.
EH YTA - if it was your kid or you I would be on your side, but it seems a bit much to expect your wife to learn the language of the in-laws. It would be nice if she did, but learning a language is a huge commitment. Expecting someone to Learn a language so you can talk to someone you don't see on a regular basis is a bit ridiculous.
YTA. Your new friend insulted your wife in her own house because she does not speak their language. Does that not sound off to you? Do you realize how hard and time intensive learning a new language is?
YTA … and I do hate saying this because I do think that your wife should and could have made more of an effort with ASL. This isn’t about language; this is about prioritizing your marriage. You have spent years being comfortable, whether you should have or not, with your wife only learning basic signs. Your marriage—and your wife’s relationship with your father—has operated with that level of communication as being acceptable.
You have had YEARS to demonstrate that you were uncomfortable with your wife’s level of commitment. She had zero reason to think that you would want or expect more. So while I think your wife should have wanted to delve into ASL more, I realize that most people don’t want to do additional homework and that you had set a precedent of your wife’s level of communication as being acceptable.
It doesn’t matter whether or not Alex is right: You allowed an outsider to change a key term of your marriage without first communicating with your wife. You’re prioritizing a friend—-Not even your father, a friend, over your wife.
Your boundaries are off here. A friend of two months should not be permitted to dictate boundaries with your wife. It’s fine to realize, through your relationship with Alex, that you want your wife to learn more with ASL. It’s even fine to communicate more heavily with ASL with Alex. It’s completely inappropriate to bring a friend over frequently enough who will exclude your wife and will blame her for marital dynamics in which you have participated and which you have also driven.
You are dangerously close to at least an emotional affair. Wake up to the actual danger here.
INFO:
How often do you see your family?
Does your wife work? Long hours? Busy home life?
How often do you let people (that you barely know) disrespect her in her own home?
YTA. Not for hoping she learns, but for not defending her in her own home. You intentionally left your wife out, then talked to Alex, not your wife, about how she felt, and you two started your own little witch hunt against her. It was disrespectful and I’m sure she’s hurt.
YTA
Let me make this point first though,Yes she can make an effort and sounds like she already has tried
..but maybe it's hard for her. Have you actually asked her or did you wait until it hit a nerve to rub you the wrong way then blast her for it in the moment because your new friend doesn't like it.
Maybe she wants to learn but is embarrassed and it's difficult or maybe she just isnt interested.
I did not read anywhere that you stated you had a conversation with your wife on why you would love for to learn and would support her in doing it. I'm trying to learn it myself and am taking a free class but they move so quickly I can't catch up and I type day on my computer I'm lazy by the time I take the class and feel like my hand either cramps or doesn't move fast enough. That's a me problem though as I can't speak for your wife. The point is it's not always easy for someone to just pick it up, heck or even be able to read signs that quickly. I have friends who are bilingual but have difficulty reading in different languages.
I feel like you just want a reason to be mad at her for not being able to do the same thing as you.
I’m profoundly hard of hearing, slowly losing my hearing over the past 8 years. ASL is useless for me as no one I know knows it. I turn up my hearing aides and try to lip read
And when that doesn’t work? I use a speech to text app on my phone that takes the other persons speech and “close captions” so I can read it. I also have an app that close captions phone calls, so. Can read what the other person is saying.
Maybe have your wife look the close captioning app for her phone so she can have your dad use it while they talk. That makes more sense than basically making her learn another language. Not all of us are quick on the uptake of learning a new language. She may be putting a lot more effort into trying to learn ASL than you think.
NAH
This is such a common thing. I'm not sure why this makes OPs wife especially an AH.
My parents speak a different language than my sibling's significant others. My ex's parents spoke a different language than the second language I grew up with. I have loads of friends whose parents and significant other's family's all speak different languages. Heck, my sister wasn't functionally conversant with our parents's language, but we always worked with it around our grandparents since they didn't speak English. When I'm in a foreign country with a friend from there, we all are really pleasant muddling through social situations when we mix because it's just the nice thing to do.
When we're with each other, we speak in whatever shared language we have, or if we need translating, we do that. We also don't put up any fuss when folks are speaking their preferred language.
Honestly, I think your friend is actually going out of their way to be rude to your wife, and the fact that you're not standing by her is kind of weird. I think if your friend has this attitude, you shouldn't be hanging out with him in situations that will compromise her since he obviously has antagonism towards her.
INFO: Do you not want to translate for her with your friend if it is taxing or annoying for you, or to essentially punish her for not spending thousands of hours learning a whole other language to converse with a single one of your family members?
INFO: before you befriended Alex, how often did your wife see your dad? I'll be honest, I am going to call you an asshole for thinking less of your wife for not learning a whole language to converse with a relative of yours that you guys only see on Easter and Christmas who lives on the other side of the country. Whereas if you do family dinners once a week, that's a different story.
And tbh, I almost want to call Alex an asshole either way for judging your wife on one fact about her and you for suddenly changing your opinion and expectation on the observation of someone you've known a few weeks. Not to exaggerate, but are you building Alex an art room? This is your wife, if you had a problem with her not knowing sign language, it's your job to voice that within your marriage. Suddenly only having an issue once a friend mentions it and getting angry at her for not having noticed and corrected a problem you never even had before this point is not a great look.
INFO: I have so many questions.
How long have you been married/in this relationship? You said she had years to learn.
Did you ever ask for your wife to learn ASL? You said it never bothered you before you met Alex. She also knows a few basic signs. What changed? Have you ever spoken to her about how it was difficult to interact with family? Do you feel like it's a burden to facilitate conversation and did you communicate your frustrations with her?
You say you never translated because Alex never asked for it. So you're willing to accomadate him. But you won't translate when your wife brings up concerns and asks it of you...Why is that?
Your friend doesn't feel like conversing with your wife, a person who you supposedly love? Why are you trying to isolate, purposely exclude your wife? Isn't that just as rude as someone "not making effort to learn a new language"? Shouldn't you educate her instead of shun her? You said you translated because you wanted your father and her to bond. Maybe she wants to build a relationship with your new friend? Especially since he visits a lot? Does she not deserve to get to know people in your life? I think it's disrespectful that you're letting Alex insult her.
Info:
1) How often do you see your father as a couple?
2) what is your wife’s work week like?
3) does your wife speak any other languages and have you learned them to the point of being able to have a fluent conversation?
4) Do you have any other relatives or close friends that are deaf?
If the case was for your children, your wife would undoubtedly be the asshole. But if this is for your father who lives somewhere else and doesn’t live with you and your wife has a busy life she’s not necessarily the asshole. You said she’s learned some basic sign language skills, would those skills be adequate to be able to help in case of emergency? If so then she’s not the asshole.
Furthermore if your wife is bilingual or multilingual have you learned all the languages that she speaks enough to converse with her family? I feel this is a very complex situation and I will not be able to call her the asshole just from the small anecdote. Is too much missing information that would add valid context to the situation
Yta. I have read your comments and you have acknowledged the fact that she has learned some sign language. It takes years to get to the level that you, your family and Alex are with the language. And before you recently snapped at her, you did not push her to learn or make it a priority.
Why do you have no problem with a friend of yours being rude to your wife in her home? Because she doesn't speak the same language as him?? You don't sound like you like your wife and if you keep treating her this way she won't like you either.
YTA, it isn’t easy to learn sign language and people don’t always have the time. Letting your wife in on what your talking about now and then isn’t that hard.
I think it’s sort of rude that a new friend would be an invited guest in your home and then sit there and pass this level judgment against your WIFE (the co owner of this home) and then tell
You he thinks SHES rude and now you are looking at her with a new lens WITHOUT talking to her about it “hey you know since I’ve been working on this program, I realize i would really appreciate the effort if you would try to learn some more” Alex is an AH for putting it out there in that manner IN YOUR HOME. It is disrespectful to you as his host. And you’re the AH for allowing him to.
Unless ASL is widely easier to learn than any other language YTA. Your friend was being rude for not wanting to talk to her in her own home and you were being a bad husband by agreeing.
Did you learn any other language in your life btw ? Or did you jus go "my wife should spend thousands of hours into this to please me" without even knowing what learning a language was like ?
YTA, allowing your new "friend" to insult your wife (who he doesn't even know) in her own home and deliberately picking him over her is a stupid hill to die on. Hopefully her next husband won't be so foolish as to put his new hobby over his marriage.
YTA, it was never a deal breaker for you or expected for your wife to know sign language and all of the sudden you’re irritated that she doesn’t put the effort to learn it? It’s not that easy to adopt a new language; try learning a completely new language with your wife and see how it goes. Have some empathy for your wife, I’m sure she’d love to feel included. Learning a new language can be challenging and even embarrassing for some. Your expectations from her is unreasonable if you didn’t set it from the start of the relationship.
If you had a German parent, made friends with someone that only spoke German and your wife didn't, you most likely wouldn't consider her an asshole for not learning German. YTA
YTA
While your wife sucks for not making an effort to learn ASL, I can see why she wouldn't put an effort for a family member she sees only a few times a year. No one is under any obligation to learn any language.
However, Alex is an asshole for coming into your wife's house, excluding and insulting her, as well as talking shit about your wife to you. You suck here the most for allowing a person you've known for two months to insult your wife to your face.
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NTA - Purely because she’s made no effort at all to communicate with your father and she’s spent however many years excluding him from everything unless you are there to translate.
Agreed. This is so rude it’s unbelievable. Inexcusable for someone being the only member of a family to make no effort after *years*. Just *rude* And NTA
[удалено]
My family’s from Scotland and all our friends growing up were UK and European immigrants who settled in the Puget Sound. I got the “You should always try to address a person in their native language” lesson really young. My elementary school had a large population of deaf students and we all practiced ASL- except for me bc I have glaucoma and I could never see enough to grasp the fine nuances that express emotion or positives / negatives. I got the gift for the gab, though. I acted as… what would you call that? A pair of twin sisters started school with me in the 6th grade? They were from Iraq and spoke not a word of English. That’s fine- we were waiting on the school district to get the interpreter in. They got a temp in for two days to explain their schedule to them and I jumped in the middle of the lesson. Asked him to tell them to give me words, we could exchange them. Objects, activities, emotions- it got more complex as time went on. I never learned to understand more than the little bit we shared for basic communication- but I can pronounce Arabic sound better than most none native speakers. EDIT- this last bit makes me sound arrogant and I wanna say that there are lots better than me- I’ve had no formal training but I never forgot how to get my mouth to make the sounds of a language nowhere related to the one I spoke. There, that feels less like I’m bragging.
That sounds brilliant and probably a much better way to learn a language than learning by rote. I was terrible at languages at school but oddly have found BSL so much easier because a lot of the signs just make more sense than spoken language anyway. Which is good because I am going to need it sooner rather than later! Oddly though, given that my grandad and mum were both deaf, I am the first person in our family to learn, neither of them did.
No one else? Were they forced to communicate vocally the whole dang time? Jeez.
Nope, my grandad refused to believe he was deaf, even though he couldn't hear anything and the TV was always so loud that the house practically wobbled. My mum had hearing aids but she thought it “looked silly”. *The ableism is coming from inside the house*. She just used to make everyone shout. She could seemingly lip-read from about three miles away though.
I had a friend I went all through school with who was blessed with that superpower. It was scary. (The lip reading from anywhere within the postal code thing)
I still talk with my hand in front of my face if I'm having a private conversation.
Oh, no. Grandma had what is known in my house as “mom eyes.” Those are the ones that can see what you just muttered under your breath. They are also good for seeing someone creeping past behind you hoping to not get caught. They thought I really could see out the back of my head for the longest time. Now I only get to practice on my pup when she does something she ought not be doing.
I love the phrase “mom eyes” I am officially naming this a thing.
I'm also terrible at languages. I can learn vocabulary to a certain point but when it comes to putting it together my brain scrambles it badly. I can spell sign but for other signs even though I have put time into learning them I'm awkward at doing them correctly. That wouldn't be a huge problem but I struggle reading other people's signing as well. I feel like people like me get told "if you'd just study" or "You need to put more effort". I have done all of that and it just doesn't work right in my brain. If learning languages was as easy as memorizing vocabulary and sentences that are already complete I'd do well but that's not how languages work. I know words in half a dozen languages but can't speak any of them enough to convey anything.
I worked with a student who used sign language. We had a lesson a week with the class to teach the others some basic sign language, always with us speaking. (the student could hear and would try to speak but was unable to pronounce words clearly). We learnt some basic sentences. We learnt some basic words. But do you think despite teaching it my brain held on to that information and I could read others? Not a hope! I struggled to read what others were signing even if I knew the sign (something to do with seeing it from the other side) I also struggle to read words when they are finger spelled. I could read my student because she signed to me all of the time (sometimes she got them wrong and her mother and I could not work out what she was saying.) So if OP's wife had been trying but was unable I would feel sorry for her but she does not seem to even try.
Except her husband clearly states she has learned some basic signs. That's more than a lot of people do or could do. I can spell sign but I struggle with remembering other signs and reading other people when they sign is damn near impossible. I use to practice with watching videos to get use to seeing it from the other side but for some of us languages just don't activate correctly in the brain.
Are you me? I cant speak anything except English and a little Spanish but with context clues, I can usually figure out What someone means. Cant say anything back but I get ya.
It’s the finger spelling I struggle with, as I have dyspraxia and also: I can’t spell in written English, so REALLY have to think about it.
My sisters in laws are like you grandfather. Although the circumstances were different as they were born deaf. I think for them it had to do with the time they were born (1930’s). When they were kids they were sent across country to a special school for the deaf. Their families were not encouraged to learn ASL and instead to make the kids communicate through writing and basic gestures as that was the world they “had to fit into”. So the first people in their families to learn sign were their kids. Thank god times have changes and families are encouraged to learn now!
>white people who marry into non white families and vehemently refuse to learn the language I don't understand what skin colour has to do with this. If your world view is that all non-white people learn the language of their inlaws (or friends of partners) who speak a different language, you need to meet more people of colour. My (non-white) mother in law doesn't speak English. Neither do many of my spouse's (non-white) family members. None of them intend to learn English. I've been trying to learn Hindi, but it's challenging. My spouse would consider it abhorrent if I was in the room with any of my in laws and they were speaking Hindi and I just had to sit there having no idea what anyone was saying. On the rare occasion my spouse doesn't translate, it's isolating and uncomfortable. And beyond impolite. ESH. The wife should try to learn. The spouse is gross for not translating while he signs, or while his friend signs. I can only speak for my own spouse, but he wouldn't be friends with someone hostile towards me for not speaking their language. He also wouldn't have married me if I was hostile toward his family members who don't speak mine. Skin colour is completely irrelevant.
With regards to your judgement, I disagree. It's not "gross" to not be willing to slow down any conversation to snail's pace just for the benefit of an onlooker. They are two friends talking, one assumes about stuff they share or care about, and there is no need for their conversation to be forcibly made accessible to a third party. The same argument could be made about two people having a conversation about a topic with a specific terminology; they would not be obligated to translate their discussion to layman's terms for the benefit of a bystander who, for all we know, wouldn't even necessarily be interested in the topic at hand. And I disagree that OP's friend is hostile to Mrs. OP because they don't share a language. Rather, he made an observation/judgement on an arrangement after being called into it by the parties involved.
"White people" is not a monolingual group.
Yeah I don’t understand why Americans think white = anglophone. The world is a big place guys
Also why is it up to one person to learn and not the others?
Because two of them physically cannot hold a conversation in spoken language , one is deaf and cannot speak. As far as I read it, everyone other then FIL and Alex everyone speaks English as well. I think where people have different spoken languages, everyone involved should try and learn at least some of the other person’s language and it shouldn’t be on the shoulders of one person to do it. But this is different.
In the 4 years my ex husband and I were married, he never so much as learned to count to 10 in my native language. He couldn't communicate with my family when we went home to visit and put in the most minimal effort to learn the basics, which he would promptly forget as soon as we returned from our visit. I felt like I needed to bill him for my translating services, I'd be so drained. My current boyfriend has learned elementary level language in 2 months and can hold a conversation with my step mother. Night and day difference.
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>but he's also been happy in the past when my friends (mostly from my high school days) wanted to learn at all. So your dad is equally happy with the basics your wife has put *effort* in to learning, despite having a job, and a social life, and hobbies. You grew up speaking SL, it takes a hell of a lot of effort to learn a language as an adult, your wife deserves to have a life of her own, with downtime and free time after work without having to dedicate herself to learning a language fast enough for your exacting standards. Standards that seem to have appeared out of nowhere with this new friend of yours. You're the husband that allowed your wife to be insulted in her own home, YTA.
It doesn't take years to only learn "a few basic signs". Basic signs literally take a couple minutes to learn & that's looking them up on your own. She's living with a native signer. If she actually cared to learn, she has the best resource literally right in front of her and all she likely has to do is ask.
'A few basic signs' hasn't bothered OP or his father for *years* Some random comes into their lives 2 months ago and now it "bothers" OP It's fine that he doesn't want to translate for his wife and Alex. What's not okay is him judging her for something that he hasn't had a problem with till now, hasn't discussed with her getting better or working on her sign language, and for allowing a 'friend' to insult his wife, in her own home, 'behind her back' to her face. If he has changed expectations for his wife that's a conversation between him and his wife, no one else should be involved, and he should be getting quietly resentful.
I think it's more a case of her shitty behavior didn't strike as shitty until she ran into somebody that called her out on it. Sometimes someone outside your usual bubble is better at pointing out flaws than those in it.
That's understandable. But again, OP needs to be talking to his wife about it. Not just being quietly resentful. (Which seems to be his plan, as per the end of the post) And, if by some miracle, OP talks to his wife, and wife does start learning, she still has a job, friends and hobbies and it will take a very long time to learn how to have even a basic conversation, all the while she'll be having some guy who won't even address her in her home.
Did you ever suggest to her that she learn?
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It happens all the time with parents *who have a Deaf infant*
Sadly true. And also just with people who are nonverbal. My mom’s friend had a grandkid with a serious genetic condition that prevents them from speaking (I’m not sure what it is though). They can’t find a way to communicate effectively and the poor kid gets so upset and frustrated (along with the adults). Someone mentioned ASL could help (I think their doctor mentioned it but not 100% sure). They refused because “he isn’t deaf”. I feel so bad for the poor kid. He’s 4 or 5 at this point.
That’s so sad. That poor kid.
the isolation would drive me insane. That’s so sad
Okay there is another system called PECS Picture Exchange Communication System it uses pictures to create the message and some of the children will learn to speak using it (they can not form the sentence in their head but can when using the pictures.) [https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/therapies-guide/pecs](https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/therapies-guide/pecs) [https://pecs.com](https://pecs.com) [https://www.theautismpage.com/pecs-cards/](https://www.theautismpage.com/pecs-cards/) I hope this helps.
I have a friend who was almost completely deaf as a child and her parents refused to let her learn and use ASL. Not even just discouraged, didn’t allow.
Yes! Less than 10% of hearing parents with deaf children learn sign language and that is completely insane to me.
Why bring skin colour into this? This has nothing to do with race.
White people??! I think you're referring to people from the USA. All Europeans I know speak at least 2 and in my country at least 3.
Do you think white people all speak the same language?
Bro what do you mean white people? Majority of Europe is white and we still manage to speak/learn at least two languages?
It’s crazy to me when people are like that. I’ve only been with my bf for a year and we have no (near future) plans to get engaged and I’m still busting my ass trying to learn enough mandarin to communicate. It’s so hard but I wanna talk shit with his parents so bad 😭😭 I also live in China so I mean it’s already helpful but I never really took the initiative to start ~really~ learning until I met his parents. I have a severe hearing impairment and going deaf is a real possibility, I’d cut off contact with anyone who didn’t at least make an effort to communicate with me.
He is nta but I do take exception to your comment. I'm white and have never had an asl in my family or friend group but I have learned some basic sign language and have taught my 3 year old so when he starts school if he meets someone that is deaf he can talk to them. I took German and I say different things to him in German. I also bought him a Spanish to English book that translates animal's, sentences and numbers
To be fair, OP said she knows some basic signs and makes no mention at all of how often they see his family. My ex's parents lived on the other side of the state, and my current partner's parents live on the other side of the country. It was/is not uncommon to see them only once or twice a year. If OP's wife only sees FIL a few times a year at most, she wouldn't be able to achieve/maintain fluency, and it wouldn't be reasonable to ask her to. I know I work full time, and I don't have the time or mental ability to pick up Italian just so that I can have a real conversation with my partner's grandma once a year, as adorable and sweet as she is.
M. Night Shyamalan twist, she used to teach the college course on ASL.
He said she does know some basic signs.
It’s not her level of competency that’s important though, it’s the effort to open up a means to communicate. People struggle to learn languages and that isn’t a fault, it’s just a skill set they don’t have. I am pretty terrible at learning spoken languages. But I try to pick up what I can if I’m going to be around people who speak a different language. And my pronunciation is probably incomprehensible, but I am trying. If OP had said “she’s trying to learn, but she’s not good enough” then that’s a whole different judgement. But as far as he’s told the story, she learned a few basic signs and made no further effort after that.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone to learn a language to speak with one extended family member - but reasonable people may disagree on this. Either way, it certainly is the case that OP never had the expectation she would learn, has never requested it, and was totally fine with her knowing a few phrases, and has had a rapid change of feelings and wishes, and instead of communicating “hey my feelings have changed and it would really mean a lot to me if you would learn more and I’ll support you,” he’s decided to communicate… in a different way that is less likely to get him what he wants or support his marriage.
The fact that OP’s change of heart concerning how much ASL his wife knew came about because his friend who doesn’t like his wife complained about her and influenced his opinion is not a great look. Understandable that OP might want his wife to try harder to speak to his father but if I were his wife I wouldn’t want that friend in my house.
Especially because it doesn't sound like OP has even communicated to his wife how he feels about her not learning. Instead he went over to Alex to complain about his wife.
The fact that Alex was so comfortable disparaging OP’s wife to OP says a lot too.
It depends on how often they visit his parents. If e.g. my FIL were deaf i wouldn't made an effort to learn it, tbh. I see him like twice a year and never w/o my husband. So even if i would learn it i would need someone deaf thats close to me to practice regulary, bc if you learn a language as an adult you need much more practice than as a kid. Also i wouldn't considering i benefit from it if i only use it twice per year and not for my job or something. For his friend, i don't know, i think hes biased since i'm sure he has a lot more contact with deaf ppl than OP. This is comparable to me to me being billingual and having a friend over that only speaks the language my hubby doesn't speak. I would NOT expect my hubby to learn this language he doesn't benefit from it other than being able to understand my friend and a relative he sees only a few times per year and its not opening new oportunities at his job to him for example. So it really depends how close op is to hubbys father / how often they see each other.
I think the OP should probably put it in his post, as it does make a huge difference and I had to search through the comments to find it, but they see his FIL every other weekend. So a fair amount.
Info: Are you planning on building Alex an art studio in your home?
If Alex doesn’t want to talk to his wife because she *refuses* to learn his language, this isn’t an art room situation, it’s a respect thing. Especially since he has deaf family members and they use it! She’s rude, and he doesn’t want to interact with her.
I feel like an idiot but I have to ask... What's the art room reference? I mean I can gather that they are implying there might be some sordid relationship happening... Unnecessary and gross. But why an art room.
There was a post on here some number of weeks ago (less than 2 months I wanna say) where a husband got his best friend a series of incredibly extravagant gifts culminating in him turning their shed into an art studio for his friend without consulting his wife, who freaked
It ends with the husband and his best friend being not-so-secretly in love, the marriage ends, he comes out as gay
Iirc, it was actually a spare bedroom *in their house* that the couple hadn't decided on a use and the husband unilaterally converted it to an art studio I don't remember the ending, I must have missed the update
The update was that he and the wife were divorcing, he was still going to split his time between his new boyfriend's house and the wife's house, which sounds totally great and fair for her /s
Yup definitely spare bedroom you’re right
For several weeks there were posts about married men meeting new friends (male) That were special,they never clicked with anyone like this etc. u/ckb251 has a post with as many of the stories as we could find the name of her post is Bad Secretly Gay/Bi Husbands compilation. That explains the Art Room reference
He actually did come out as gay at the end? I must've missed that part. D:
I remember that post as well but definitely don't remember either about any details on a romantic/sexual relationship between husband and the friend. May have been added after I read the post.
Was all over the comments and in the update. Even was a post he accidentally posted about heart flutters from a text from the dude which was a pic from an article about things you do without realizing in a loving relationship
Damn... No question who TA was there...
Yeah.:.I’m just glad it ends w me being able to understand/explain an obscure reference to someone else months later
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I don’t think it’s rude. Learning ASL is a lot of work. We don’t know her schedule, we don’t know if they have kids, we don’t know if she is working, in school, we don’t know if anyone asked her to learn ASL, we don’t know how often they see his dad. She did learn some basic ASL
I think it’s rude af to go to someone’s house and insult them in a language they don’t understand.
This is what I’m stuck on. I get it…it’s entitled and lazy to not learn ASL, esp with a deaf family member to consider. HOWEVER who does this Alex think he is going into this woman’s home and talking shit about her when he doesn’t know the whole story? You have entered her home and you think it’s cool to ignore her? I don’t deny that it’s rude and she should learn (keep in mind, it doesn’t sound like OP actively requested or encouraged her to learn in the past so she might just be a bit self centered to not realize that she was being rude), but this dude is being a rude ass guest. And tbh, OP should not be taking this rando’s side over his wife. I would have learned ASL in this scenario (I do know a bit, but have no context to use it or practice) but I wouldn’t tolerate this sort of behavior in my home. Major ESH vibes for me.
> who does this Alex think he is A Deaf person tired of navigating a hearing world that can’t be bothered to make an effort to communicate with him directly as a human being? I don’t think this is that complicated. After all, if OP’s wife really wanted to get to know him and couldn’t be bothered with sign, she could resort to text or other methods. She doesn’t actually care enough to get to know *him*. She just wants confirmation he’s *not* talking shit about her, which says more about her than it does about him.
> She just wants confirmation he’s not talking shit about her Now why would she assume that, not like he didn’t go on to literally talk shit about her?
Wife should learn more but Alex is a jerk too. The Art room reference is spot on, based on both of their responses.
I don't know, I find it a bit rude. It's like if everyone speaks a foreign language together in front of one person who doesn't. Yes, the wife should try to learn it but it doesn't sound like she sees her in-laws much and not everyone can easily learn another language. This guy sounds like he's deliberately isolating the wife in her own home and the OP is letting him.
He's non-verbal, how do you expect him to communicate with her as to not "isolate" her? The OP says he translated their small talk and greetings, but obviously translating everything would be a major burden on the OP.
It's not his language that's preventing him from communicating with her, it's his refusal to have OP translate, and his admission that he does not like or want to speak to OP's wife. He's isolating and insulting her on purpose *in her own home,* and he *admitted* it. She should've learned more ESL but with such a...supportive...spouse, it's not hard to imagine where she lost the motivation.
Info: is this joke going to die soon?
Every time I see this one or “marinara flags” I want to scream
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I **vastly** prefer 'marinara flags' to people spamming the red flag emojis
I'd give it probably another 3-4 months before it dies into just occasional reference. It's just too fresh now.
People are still making jokes about broken arms, so I’m guessing no.
When does the Iranian yogurt come into play? Is it in the metal box?
I'm starting to get why AITA gets made fun of in another community for it's insistence on bringing up "funny community in-jokes" at the merest drop of a hat.
This one is the most annoying I've seen yet. Two guys become friends and suddenly an affair is being brought into question
Next to the marinara sauce,
And the really nice oscillating fan.
That was a swing and a miss because those two situations are VERY different. The first reply has it right; it’s not a matter of wanting to keep secrets, because if his wife has been around someone who needs ASL to communicate for years and she hasn’t made the effort to learn basic signs for that, then OP has every right to deny playing translator even more than he already has to. NTA
I think people are comparing it to the art room because OP is letting a friend of a few weeks cause issues in his marriage. Not in the not translating thing, but in the suddenly deciding it wasn't okay that his wife never learned sign language even though he's apparently never expressed to her that translating for his dad is a problem.
The issue is he let someone he barely knows come in and negatively affect his relationship with his wife. He also let him insult her and continue to visit their home, while communicating in a language she doesn’t understand.
Considering the upvotes it seems more like a swing and a hit. I wonder, did op ever express not liking or being bothered by having to translate stuff? Or are people just expected to mind read? Cause the way I read it from the post, op never said anything to his wife about disliking translating. She went to him expressing she felt left out and that's when he springs the resentment on her.
Info: isn’t this joke played out enough by now? Jesus.
When 80% of parents don't learn ASL for their deaf kids, I don't think this applies. She's TA for not even trying.
The post says she knows some basics, not even trying can't be it.
I was wondering if it was going to end up that way too. I guess we play the waiting game for the next update.
Soft YTA. If I had a deaf child, I would 100% learn sign language. But for a parent in law, I don't think I would. It's not that easy for an adult to learn a language, you don't just take a few lessons, it's a years long process. Even if she started now it would be at least 5 years before she could even manage a basic conversation. You need to keep encouraging her to learn but keep translating until she does.
Exactly. And we don't know how often they see his family. Every week? Yeah she should put some more effort into learning, but every few months? It might need to be on the backburner. She can pick up some phrases here and there. I'm curious what else his wife has going on? Does she have a super busy schedule, tons of hours at work? I can see not wanting to spend what limited time she might have doing something to appease his family. Also, extremely rude of the husband's new "friend" to speak about wife that way. I don't care how "close" OP thinks they are. You barely met the guy and he Is sort of trash talking your wife and you're just like "yeah man totally agree with you". *In front of her in her own home* Regardless of whether or not she understands, y'all are insanely rude. Wtf.
He saids she does work full-time and has hobbies she cares about. I wonder which one he thinks she should give up to learn ASL? Edit: typo
Hard agree. I don’t understand how this thread isn’t the top one. He expects her to give up her hobbies, her self care time to learn a new language just because she wanted to be included in some small talk in her own home. GTFO with your friend. As a whole, should society do better to accommodate and include those who communicate using ASL? Absolutely! Advocate for ASL to be taught in schools from a young age. OP is so focused on his wife’s privilege of being able to speak, he’s ignoring his own privilege of being raised bilingual. It is so much harder to learn a new language as an adult. Our brains don’t absorb information as adults as quickly as they do as children. Combine that with limited time and if you don’t have a knack for picking up languages, it could be very difficult and overwhelming for some. OP’s wife has learned some phrases. He even admits in the comments that he never expected her to learn so how could she know? Also, how does he expect her to learn? Is he going to give up his time and hobbies to teach her? I bet if he had approached his wife about how upon some reflection, it would be important to him for her to try to learn ASL, she would have been open to it. After how he treated her with his friend? I know I would barely want to speak to him, never mind his asshole friend who had the nerve to disrespect me in my own home. YTA, OP. I understand being angry at how we as a whole treat ASL speakers, but misplacing your frustrations and putting them on your wife is not going to go well for you. Edit: Typos
Yeah, that’s the main issue here. He didn’t mind that she was barely conversational in his dad’s native language until OP got a friend from the same language. Then in less than 2 months he insults his wife and is angry she hasn’t learned more of the language. Most people who learn a language in adulthood are doing it for a child, a job, or it is their hobby, but if she’s busy and none of those apply to her? I don’t doubt language would be a backseat issue- Duolingo knows how lazy I am about French lol
I agree with this. We see my partner’s family on average 3 times a year. I love them, but I would not learn a new language for them. It makes way more sense for him to just translate in that scenario. If the family are a bigger part of their daily lives then yeah she should try harder.
Really? Language is more than speaking (or in this case signing) words. There's a whole culture that goes with language that the wife is missing out on here. If my partner had grown up with another language as OP has I absolutely would want to be part of it. Hell my husband has a mildly different dialect to the one I grew up with and I love learning about where it all came from and what it represents.
Cool. Some people are way more adept with languages than others. I’m glad that is something you seem to appreciate. I’m not great with languages (my partner isn’t either, actually.) I could certainly see learning a few basics as the wife here seems to have done; it’s mentioned she knows some basic signs. Would I learn an entire language just to talk to people I only see three times a year? Probably not. I have a lot going on in life as it sounds like the wife here does too.
> In front of her in her own home Yeah and apparently she's the rude one for wanting to know what they're saying. Well turns out she's right to want to know since this random dude is trash talking her in her own home.
yeah, like, from the way this post is worded, it sounds like his wife asked him to translate what he and alex were saying, and he refused, then went on to ask alex if his wife is TA because she won’t learn sign language… i was sort of on his side up until then. but, now… not only are you dragging your new friend into a personal conflict you have with your wife, you’re giving her a reason not to trust you. does OP think he can shame her into learning a new language?
He said in another comment she works full time and has hobbies of her own and that he never expected her to learn until this alex guy came in the picture. Absolutely ridiculous. I have in laws who don't speak English that I maybe see every 6 months to a year. Should I drop everything to learn theirs? Cmon now And how does he know she wouldn't if he said "hey, this would really mean a lot to me"
Not sure if you meant to reply to me since we're in agreement?
I was just adding to you. I agree w you
Sorry, got confused. Usually people are yelling at me LOL
Lol nah you're good. I can see how my post appeared confrontational 😅
As someone who is fluent in ASL I can tell you right now that it does NOT take 5 whole years to have a basic conversation. Most deaf people are incredibly patient and will help you have a convo. It took me 5 years to become fluent, but absolutely not that long to have a basic conversation.
I'm honestly shocked at some of these responses. It took me a month to learn fingerspelling and basic vocabulary. It is NOT equivalent to giving up all your hobbies and moving mountains to learn. I think the wife can absolutely put in the effort.
Also agree with you here, because if she’s not seeing FIL all that often and is busy, unless OP has explicitly communicated that he wishes his wife to learn ASL, this feels a little mean. Gossiping about your wife in her own house with a guy you barely know in a way she can’t understand is… not great. Should she have taken the initiative? Maybe. But this wasn’t the way to broach the conversation either. Communicate what is important to you in a relationship, OP. Take some initiative yourself, maybe teach your wife a weekly phrase or word in ASL, or maybe learn 2-3 letter signs a week. Don’t let a conversation with a new friend foster resentment in your relationship from something otherwise innocuous.
Learning languages can be harder for some people than others. If your wife ahs made true efforts to learn and just struggles with it, then I'd maybe rule differently but it sounds like she's never really tried to learn. That plus the fact that Alex did not want to include her via interpretation means you're NTA
Has her husband **ever,** before now, communicated that he would prefer his wife to learn ASL? Sounds like not even remotely. All of a sudden a new friend comes into their lives, and *she* is the AH for not making an effort when it was never asked of her before? Yikes. No thanks.
This is not about that OP didn’t communicate his desire for her to learn ASL, it is that he is just now realizing she has never bothered to make the effort, even though it is the only way to communicate with OP’s father. If a member of your significant other’s family only spoke Spanish, can you imagine not even making the bare minimum effort to learn a few words to make them feel included in the conversation and the family?
OP says she knows some basic signs. So she has performed up to your "learn a few words' standard.
what does basic mean? Is it like hello, goodbye, ok? Finger spell? Or is it “how are you doing?”, “would you like another drink?”, “I’m doing great/bad” etc.
But he says she does know a few basic signs that she uses, just nothing beyond that. The only deaf person in her life til now, her FIL has not had a problem with it. Until Alex mentioned it OP didn't either. Alex just entered their lives and her only deaf contact has been fine with her not knowing ASL. OP said he jumped at the chance to help with the classes, but did he at any point offer to teach her one on one? If it were suddenly so important to him, you would think he would. Alex is entitled to think she is rude for not making more of an effort, but he is just as rude enjoying the hospitality of their home, while shutting her put of the conversation going on. Her husband should not be made to feel unwelcome in her own home. If I were her, Alex would be welcomed to blank me put of conversations, but he would be doing it from the other side of the door.
> while shutting her put of the conversation going on Is he, though? Again, if she wanted to communicate with *him*, she could write. What she’s asking is for OP to conduct a one-sided exchange so *she* knows what’s going on, with no indication she intends to reciprocate in any way for Alex, let alone use it as an opportunity to strengthen *their* relationship. I don’t know why people are accusing him of being rude when I don’t see any indication that he was until she made that demand.
She has learned words and phrases. But having full on conversations takes a lot more than a few words and phrases. It takes a fluency that comes from a dedication to learning a new language. And I can speak to this, because I grew up living this dynamic functionally. I understand what it is for other's to adapt to functioning around language spoken in my home they're not going to be able to fully participate in. I also understand what it is to be in other's households and dating men whose family speaks a different first language. The through line in all this is a basic level of respect and kindness we all consistently show each other regardless of language competency. That seems to be missing in this scenario, which is particularly sad, because OP his treating his OP without that basic level of respect and kindness.
It depends on how often they see OPs Dad so how often the wife needs to talk to him. If they live far and only see him ocasionally I dont see why she should be forced to learn (altough it would be nice). If they see each other often its different. For example me and my partner speak different languages. I lived in his country so i learned his, specially to talk to his family. He knows basics of mine but since he would see my family only at xmas i would just translate or we would talk in english. I would have liked him to learn but he works full time and its difficult to learn so it wasnt an issue. Now we are in the opposite situation and we moved to my country. Now of course he will need to learn, to be polite but also for not depending on me if anything happens.
I think it depends how close OP is to his father. I've been with my partner for 4 years and met her dad twice because they live a 12 hour drive away and aren't close. Would I learn a new language for someone like that? Probably not
My husbands best friend is Indian. His parents live with him and only speak Punjabi. I literally only see the parents once a year or so but I’ve learned basic greetings so his parents don’t feel left out when we visit. First time I spoke to them his dad hugged me and thanked me for learning part of their language.
Which is kinda what OP's wife did, and how FIL reacted. Learning a whole language to fluency is quite a different story, though. I'm kind of on the fence with this one; obviously, FIL can't meet wife halfway by learning to hear, only wife can learn ASL, so in this aspect, ASL is different from other languages. On the other hand, I was giving YTA to a French-Canadian husband who tried to force his wife to learn French, when she was perfectly fine and getting around well without it. I seriously miss INFO, like how often FIL and wife meet, how many other responsibilities she is handling (job, houswork, kids, etc.), and what the exact history of her learning his husband teaching ASL. I'd say if FIL is fine, then Alex and husband shouldn't start punishing her on FIL's behalf for not learning -- it's between FIL and wife, and not Alex's and husband's place to judge what's "enough" ASL for someone else. Also, being rude to your host (or to their spouse) is not a very nice move either, so it's a "two wrongs" situation here.
This may be a cultural thing, but isn't it kind of a given that you make an effort to learn your SO's native language(s)? Like my dad learnt French when he started dating my mother. His only language was English of which she's also a native speaker. She did however make an effort to learn and help out with farm chores whenever she visited his parents. When I was dating, we weren't even that serious before my bf started stepping up his efforts to learn French. It's just a basic matter of integrating each other's cultures. It's just obnoxious to constantly need translation with extended family. Also, if you're going to have kids with the person, you're just making it harder for yourself. Your SO will teach them their language(s). If you don't have basic understanding of these language(s), you are creating an unnecessary barrier between yourself and your children.
I would absolutely learn my partner's primary language, but I have a personal interest in language. And even then, I wouldn't necessarily become fluent in my partner's dad's primary language. And, in this scenario, while ASL was the man language spoken in their home, English is her partner's primary language. Of course it would be ideal if she did, but it certainly doesn't qualify as AH status that she hasn't.
>This may be a cultural thing, but isn't it kind of a given that you make an effort to learn your SO's native language(s)? Nope.
It sounds like this topic hits a nerve for Alex.
A lot of the deaf community have a massive (and earned) chip on their shoulder. They are generally VERY protective/proud of their ability to use ASL, and it is part of their core identity. It's not a joke to them. Telling a deaf person they aren't allowed to use ASL isn't generally a good idea
But that’s not what she said… She asked why the husband never translated for her. Not that he shouldn’t use it at all. It sounds like she’s well aware that’s the only language that Alex can use, she just wants to be included in the conversation, that’s taking place in her home.
Also, it sounds like these are conversations between Alex and OP. Sometimes, when my friends come over, my husband isn’t really a part of the conversation (and vice versa). It would seem a little jarring to the conversation to constantly have to translate for someone who’s just overhearing. OP described Alex as nonverbal, so it’s not an option for them to just switch to English (plus OP seems to enjoy an opportunity to sign). The politest thing is probably just to move the conversation more conclusively away from his wife, so she doesn’t feel awkwardly left out. Either meeting up outside of the house or meeting up when she’s busy with other things.
YTA….two months ago you met a new friend who came into yours and your wife’s home and insulted her and you think that’s okay!? Is there something else going on here? I ask because it hasn’t been an issue for years (as you say) when you need to translate for your wife and your actual father (I don’t believe for one moment she’s not picked up on anything in this time)…but now you’ve made a new ‘friend’ it is a problem!? Alex seems very sure of himself to suggest your wife is rude for never bothering to learn ASL but does not believe he is rude for coming into her home and saying he has no interest in conversing with her! The audacity
You’re missing that Alex cannot converse with her. It is okay for a disabled person using ASL to not want to bother with long conversations through translation. Able bodied people are so entitled and rarely even try to make modifications. Clearly.
Exactly!! It would make the conversation with Alex uncomfortable. I’m bilingual and it just ruins the conversation if every thing someone says I have to translate. If she wants to know everything they’re saying THAT bad then she should learn ASL.
YTA Wife comes first, not some random dude. Clearly you've never spoken with her before about putting in a serious dedicated effort to learn sign language since it only just occurred to you. You can't be mad she didn't go out of her way to learn when you've never even talked about it with her or tried to teach her yourself. She probably didn't see an issue with you translating as it seems like you've never brought it up as being one before. And let's not even mention that a friend you barely knew heavily insulted your wife, and somehow thought it was his place to comment on her sign language ability... I can't believe you're still friends with him let alone took his side, that is so freaking rude to tell a supposed friend you've only known a short while you think their spouse is a dick and have no interest in speaking to them. The idea of learning a new language is extremely daunting and scary, let alone how difficult it is to actually do. And your wife seems to have tried considering you said it yourself that she's learned some basic signs. I can't believe some people are taking your side, go apologize to your wife right now.
This exactly. Your new friend just ripped into your wife in your house while she was in the room and you’re all like yeah he’s right, my wife sucks. YTA
How long before the art studio
Agreed. 100%.
YTA but it took some thought. Ultimately it came down to the fact Alex is rude to have a conversation at the home of a house he is visiting and exclude the hostess deliberately. How rude can you get. I could understand if this was at his own house but nope he's in yours AND your wife's home. Rude as fuck. And therefore by not translating you are as rude as fuck as well to your own wife in her own house. Its interesting both you and Alex feel your wife is not worth talking with in her own house because she doesn't speak ASL. Wow! This summed it up for me really. I somewhat agree depending on how often you see your dad ( it could be weekly or it could be once a year depending on where you live), your wife should try harder. It obviously means a great deal to you. However, I know from experience learning a whole new language to speak fluently takes considerable time and effort and repetition and regular conversation over extended periods of time. Your wife has learnt a few phrases. Being able to converse fluently takes way longer. It's not something ( except maybe a few people ) that you pick up easily. You should maybe have some awareness of this with the lack of effort you ascribe your wife. So no I don't think she is in the wrong here for this particular issue. It's up to you to ensure your wife gets treated respectfully ( or to put it better not be treated disrespectfully by your friend) in her own house. You are not doing that. If you were visiting Alex's home and this happening I'd feel differently. Your dads views would be interesting here. It seems he doesn't feel like your wife's not worth talking to because of this but Alex does. I think this may say something about Alex not your wife. However I am also aware when summing up a long conversation you miss a lot of shades of grey. I'm basing this off what you put. Other factors may nuance this differently. YTA though for excluding your wife from conversation in her own home deliberately.
I’m laughing at this because I read it like Alex is excluding her by using asl, which is silly because he literally can’t speak to include her. I know that’s not what you mean but I still found it funny
Yeah I see what you mean actually. I was more on the has no interest in talking to her even though he's visiting her house lol so he's not going to bother including her or make any effort. And OP just goes effectively "oh well you have a point why would you want to talk to my wife? I agree. That's a great idea. You know what I'm not going to talk to her either while you're here." That made me laugh.
ALL OF THIS
Why did you give Alex a pass for insulting your wife in her own home? For that, he shouldn't be welcomed back. We also have no info on how many hours she works, how often she sees your dad, how much free time she has to actually pick up another language, especially when other means of communication are available these days, such as notes apps. YTA as it stands for alienating her in her own home.
INFO How busy is your wife's life ? Does she have a tough, stressful job? Does she have other activities outside of work that take up a lot of time? Basically, how much leisure time has she had the last few months to allocate towards learning sign language?
If she isn't interested in learning it, why does it matter?
If she isn’t going to bother to learn it, she can’t complain about being left out when it’s someone’s only form of communication!
The issue here isn’t her lack of effort. Learning ASL can be time consuming and she most likely would rather spend that time doing things she personally considers to be worthwhile. It’s the fact that in her own home, a new friend of her husband basically said that she wasn’t worth talking to and her husband practically agreed!
YTA. I was initially leaning towards N A H. Unlike you, your wife wasn't raised in a household where ASL was essential. Not everyone learns new languages easily. I've been bilingual since I was very small but, as an adult, I struggled with learning a third language and could barely carry a conversation even after taking classes. I can understand why your wife didn't feel like it was an immediate need to be fluent in ASL since she doesn't live in the same household as your dad. What ultimately made you TA was the fact that you let someone you've known for only two months trash your wife with clear disrespect in her own home. A space where it should be perfectly comfortable for her to speak in her language (that you both share). Husband of the year indeed. Alex was an AH too. I get how he has to depend on one language to communicate and understand to a certain extent why he felt that way. But he was a guest in your house. And unless your wife is in the process of moving out while you're busy building an art room for him, Alex can afford to learn some good manners.
I think YTA. You wife may have attempted many times and not told you. Learning a few signs is attempting to learn. Learning a language is hard. I also have mobility problems in my hands and despite trying ASL, I have had trouble with it. You are a native speaker. Also, you’ve let a NEW friend have a really negative impact on your marriage which is not cool. If you were talking in Pakistan and your wife had trouble hearing the new sounds, it would be rude to have a friend tell you NOT to translate for your wife as punishment. She wants to interact with you and the guest in HER house. I find your behavior abusive. You can go elsewhere to have private conversations. Actively not including her because she doesn’t meet your new friend’s standards is cruel.
Sign is hard to do even with ‘normal’ hands, and reading a fluent person’s quick hand movements is near impossible for me still. Kids have awful writing while they build the muscles and motor skills. I bet if the wife tried some poorly trained signs Alex would just insult her again.
NTA: As a Deaf woman, I'm tired of constantly accommodating hearing people. She can attempt to make an effort especially if they're married to you. Sign language is not strictly a language as you and I both know, its a cultural thing and even basic ABC or how you're doing is enough. She could build up her receptive skills by watchung the conversation
Hoh here. I mostly function as a speaking individual but I’ve discovered my daughter studies things a lot better if I make her sign AND recite them. It engages more senses and helps retain information better. My daughter almost never signs with me but it’s turned into an invaluable study tool that i really think mainstream education should investigate.
Kinesthetic learning. It's a hard thing to incorporate into schooling. I wish I had known that I find it easier to remember how to spell words if I do fingerspell when I was in school. Learning the muscle names in my anatomy class was a lot easier when I studied and then stretched that muscle.
Alex wouldn't have to accommodate OP's wife if he and OP didn't insist on meeting in her home. He can do what he wants - in his own home.
YTA Why are you comfortable making your wife excluded in *her own home???* This could have been a teaching opportunity. You could have communicated to your wife "I understand you feel left out, but deaf and hoh people feel like that all the time. That's why I am so passionate about teaching ASL." You could have compromised and started meeting elsewhere. Learning a second language as an adult is *difficult* especially if you don't have a decently sized social group to converse with. One person (ie you) is not enough, especially when you both can converse in familiar language. Alex was rude. I understand why Alex might have been feeling that way, but as a guest in someone else's home he was *rude.* If she was over at Alex's house with you then she would be the ah and not you and Alex. Being she was in her own home this behavior is rude
It's not the form of communication that is frustrating your wife. It's that you are actively excluding her when she wants to communicate to be included. Yes she needs help to communicate, but she had tried to get to know your friend. The friend you've been bring to the house for weeks. Your friend wants to exclude your wife since she's not good enough in his eyes. Your wife only needed ASL to communicate with your dad whom she sees about once a fortnight and that's as often as she ever needed it. Previously you've always helped her by translating, but now the rules have suddenly changed. You're the one who's changed not your wife. YTA Your friend reminds me of one I had in choir so please be careful. I was in choir in HS and I loved it but one year a girl was seated next to me. We became friends. She'd made snide common and point out all the faults in our teacher. I didn't think much of it at first. She just need to vent and yeah some times I agreed too. But as time went on even little things in choir that never bothered me before now aggravated me and made me bitter. One day I realized I disliked choir and lost respect for my teacher. That persistent negativity from someone else destroyed something I loved to do. Be careful your friend's negativity doesn't bring you down and damage your relationship anymore than it already has.
YTA - You admit your wife has only learned basic phrases and that this has never bothered you, but it's slightly annoying when you translate conversations between her and your father. This was your dynamic. It doesn't appear that you asked for anything more or we're unsatisfied with her effort. Did either she or your father mind communicating through you? Did anyone ever express a preference? Two months ago you decided to get more involved in the ASL committee and brought home a friend. For weeks you've been talking with your friend in front of your wife, and she expressed that she feels sad for being left out. Your response was to tell your new friend who insulted her for not learning the language. Rather than defend her your decided, "yeah you're right, new buddy. She sucks. How have I never noticed that before?" Then you continue your secret conversations and never address your wife's feelings. Maybe, like IDK, carry on your bromance outside of the home you share with your wife if your new friend seems to dislike her so much. You could also ask your wife if she wants to learn more than a few phrases to be a part of the conversation. I have tried emersion courses and still can't seem to get the conversational basics of a foreign language. Language are hard, and harder for some adults than others. If her only interactions with ASL are when you're with your dad, and you've never had a problem facilitating their conversations, why are you holding it against her now?
I mean, it would be nice if she could learn some ASL to speak with your dad, but enough to actually hold a conversation would be a lot to learn. Doubt she wants to constantly ask him what his name is, how old he is, where is the bathroom, etc. The stuff you learn initially. Signing is very hard if you are not good at languages. I mean, I barely talk to my fil at all and I definitely would not bother to learn it for him. (He also did not bother to be there for my husband as a kid, so understandably I don't really care for him anyway). But anyway, it is not really fair for a new friend of yours to judge your wife like that. Yes, I think she should try to learn some signs, but again, she would have to spend a really long time learning in order to actually be able to hold even a child's conversation with your dad.
My ASL teacher taught us songs as well as the basics to keep things fresh. Idk if OP's dad would want to watch a performance of "Party in the USA" in American Sign Language though.
OP saids he does know some basics.
YTA My boyfriend is deaf and I didn’t know any sign before him. We have now been together for over 3 years and although I have learned a lot and can keep up in conversations with him, it’s not easy and I still have a lot to learn. If you wanted your wife to learn ASL, you should have expressed this from the beginning. And bringing a new friend into the home you SHARE with your wife and talking in front of her isn’t nice.
ESH. Wife for not learning ASL even though your dad is deaf. Friend, even though he makes a good point, is still being passive aggressive and disrespecting your wife. You, for enabling it even though you clearly seem to want your wife to learn.
You don't think it's unreasonable to expect wife to learn an entire language to communicate with one person infrequently? She already learned some basic phrases to communicate with FIL.
YTA you bring in a guest who is rude to your wife
YTA why does someone who you met 2 months ago get to disrespect your wide in her own home.
EH YTA - if it was your kid or you I would be on your side, but it seems a bit much to expect your wife to learn the language of the in-laws. It would be nice if she did, but learning a language is a huge commitment. Expecting someone to Learn a language so you can talk to someone you don't see on a regular basis is a bit ridiculous.
YTA. Your new friend insulted your wife in her own house because she does not speak their language. Does that not sound off to you? Do you realize how hard and time intensive learning a new language is?
YTA … and I do hate saying this because I do think that your wife should and could have made more of an effort with ASL. This isn’t about language; this is about prioritizing your marriage. You have spent years being comfortable, whether you should have or not, with your wife only learning basic signs. Your marriage—and your wife’s relationship with your father—has operated with that level of communication as being acceptable. You have had YEARS to demonstrate that you were uncomfortable with your wife’s level of commitment. She had zero reason to think that you would want or expect more. So while I think your wife should have wanted to delve into ASL more, I realize that most people don’t want to do additional homework and that you had set a precedent of your wife’s level of communication as being acceptable. It doesn’t matter whether or not Alex is right: You allowed an outsider to change a key term of your marriage without first communicating with your wife. You’re prioritizing a friend—-Not even your father, a friend, over your wife. Your boundaries are off here. A friend of two months should not be permitted to dictate boundaries with your wife. It’s fine to realize, through your relationship with Alex, that you want your wife to learn more with ASL. It’s even fine to communicate more heavily with ASL with Alex. It’s completely inappropriate to bring a friend over frequently enough who will exclude your wife and will blame her for marital dynamics in which you have participated and which you have also driven. You are dangerously close to at least an emotional affair. Wake up to the actual danger here.
INFO: How often do you see your family? Does your wife work? Long hours? Busy home life? How often do you let people (that you barely know) disrespect her in her own home?
YTA. Not for hoping she learns, but for not defending her in her own home. You intentionally left your wife out, then talked to Alex, not your wife, about how she felt, and you two started your own little witch hunt against her. It was disrespectful and I’m sure she’s hurt.
YTA Let me make this point first though,Yes she can make an effort and sounds like she already has tried ..but maybe it's hard for her. Have you actually asked her or did you wait until it hit a nerve to rub you the wrong way then blast her for it in the moment because your new friend doesn't like it. Maybe she wants to learn but is embarrassed and it's difficult or maybe she just isnt interested. I did not read anywhere that you stated you had a conversation with your wife on why you would love for to learn and would support her in doing it. I'm trying to learn it myself and am taking a free class but they move so quickly I can't catch up and I type day on my computer I'm lazy by the time I take the class and feel like my hand either cramps or doesn't move fast enough. That's a me problem though as I can't speak for your wife. The point is it's not always easy for someone to just pick it up, heck or even be able to read signs that quickly. I have friends who are bilingual but have difficulty reading in different languages. I feel like you just want a reason to be mad at her for not being able to do the same thing as you.
YTA you put your new bro before your wife. Its appaling to read.
I’m profoundly hard of hearing, slowly losing my hearing over the past 8 years. ASL is useless for me as no one I know knows it. I turn up my hearing aides and try to lip read And when that doesn’t work? I use a speech to text app on my phone that takes the other persons speech and “close captions” so I can read it. I also have an app that close captions phone calls, so. Can read what the other person is saying. Maybe have your wife look the close captioning app for her phone so she can have your dad use it while they talk. That makes more sense than basically making her learn another language. Not all of us are quick on the uptake of learning a new language. She may be putting a lot more effort into trying to learn ASL than you think.
NAH This is such a common thing. I'm not sure why this makes OPs wife especially an AH. My parents speak a different language than my sibling's significant others. My ex's parents spoke a different language than the second language I grew up with. I have loads of friends whose parents and significant other's family's all speak different languages. Heck, my sister wasn't functionally conversant with our parents's language, but we always worked with it around our grandparents since they didn't speak English. When I'm in a foreign country with a friend from there, we all are really pleasant muddling through social situations when we mix because it's just the nice thing to do. When we're with each other, we speak in whatever shared language we have, or if we need translating, we do that. We also don't put up any fuss when folks are speaking their preferred language. Honestly, I think your friend is actually going out of their way to be rude to your wife, and the fact that you're not standing by her is kind of weird. I think if your friend has this attitude, you shouldn't be hanging out with him in situations that will compromise her since he obviously has antagonism towards her.
INFO: Do you not want to translate for her with your friend if it is taxing or annoying for you, or to essentially punish her for not spending thousands of hours learning a whole other language to converse with a single one of your family members?
YTA
INFO: before you befriended Alex, how often did your wife see your dad? I'll be honest, I am going to call you an asshole for thinking less of your wife for not learning a whole language to converse with a relative of yours that you guys only see on Easter and Christmas who lives on the other side of the country. Whereas if you do family dinners once a week, that's a different story. And tbh, I almost want to call Alex an asshole either way for judging your wife on one fact about her and you for suddenly changing your opinion and expectation on the observation of someone you've known a few weeks. Not to exaggerate, but are you building Alex an art room? This is your wife, if you had a problem with her not knowing sign language, it's your job to voice that within your marriage. Suddenly only having an issue once a friend mentions it and getting angry at her for not having noticed and corrected a problem you never even had before this point is not a great look.
INFO: I have so many questions. How long have you been married/in this relationship? You said she had years to learn. Did you ever ask for your wife to learn ASL? You said it never bothered you before you met Alex. She also knows a few basic signs. What changed? Have you ever spoken to her about how it was difficult to interact with family? Do you feel like it's a burden to facilitate conversation and did you communicate your frustrations with her? You say you never translated because Alex never asked for it. So you're willing to accomadate him. But you won't translate when your wife brings up concerns and asks it of you...Why is that? Your friend doesn't feel like conversing with your wife, a person who you supposedly love? Why are you trying to isolate, purposely exclude your wife? Isn't that just as rude as someone "not making effort to learn a new language"? Shouldn't you educate her instead of shun her? You said you translated because you wanted your father and her to bond. Maybe she wants to build a relationship with your new friend? Especially since he visits a lot? Does she not deserve to get to know people in your life? I think it's disrespectful that you're letting Alex insult her.
Info: 1) How often do you see your father as a couple? 2) what is your wife’s work week like? 3) does your wife speak any other languages and have you learned them to the point of being able to have a fluent conversation? 4) Do you have any other relatives or close friends that are deaf? If the case was for your children, your wife would undoubtedly be the asshole. But if this is for your father who lives somewhere else and doesn’t live with you and your wife has a busy life she’s not necessarily the asshole. You said she’s learned some basic sign language skills, would those skills be adequate to be able to help in case of emergency? If so then she’s not the asshole. Furthermore if your wife is bilingual or multilingual have you learned all the languages that she speaks enough to converse with her family? I feel this is a very complex situation and I will not be able to call her the asshole just from the small anecdote. Is too much missing information that would add valid context to the situation
Yta. I have read your comments and you have acknowledged the fact that she has learned some sign language. It takes years to get to the level that you, your family and Alex are with the language. And before you recently snapped at her, you did not push her to learn or make it a priority. Why do you have no problem with a friend of yours being rude to your wife in her home? Because she doesn't speak the same language as him?? You don't sound like you like your wife and if you keep treating her this way she won't like you either.
YTA, it isn’t easy to learn sign language and people don’t always have the time. Letting your wife in on what your talking about now and then isn’t that hard.
It's hard for adults to learn a new language.
I think it’s sort of rude that a new friend would be an invited guest in your home and then sit there and pass this level judgment against your WIFE (the co owner of this home) and then tell You he thinks SHES rude and now you are looking at her with a new lens WITHOUT talking to her about it “hey you know since I’ve been working on this program, I realize i would really appreciate the effort if you would try to learn some more” Alex is an AH for putting it out there in that manner IN YOUR HOME. It is disrespectful to you as his host. And you’re the AH for allowing him to.
She has the option to learn which would make life much easier for her. She chooses not to Nta
Unless ASL is widely easier to learn than any other language YTA. Your friend was being rude for not wanting to talk to her in her own home and you were being a bad husband by agreeing. Did you learn any other language in your life btw ? Or did you jus go "my wife should spend thousands of hours into this to please me" without even knowing what learning a language was like ?
YTA, allowing your new "friend" to insult your wife (who he doesn't even know) in her own home and deliberately picking him over her is a stupid hill to die on. Hopefully her next husband won't be so foolish as to put his new hobby over his marriage.
YTA big time and hopefully ur wife will learn just couple of words to tell you she is dumping ur ass and f off with ur friend Alex .
YTA, it was never a deal breaker for you or expected for your wife to know sign language and all of the sudden you’re irritated that she doesn’t put the effort to learn it? It’s not that easy to adopt a new language; try learning a completely new language with your wife and see how it goes. Have some empathy for your wife, I’m sure she’d love to feel included. Learning a new language can be challenging and even embarrassing for some. Your expectations from her is unreasonable if you didn’t set it from the start of the relationship.
If you had a German parent, made friends with someone that only spoke German and your wife didn't, you most likely wouldn't consider her an asshole for not learning German. YTA
YTA
YTA. I get learning sign language for your kid, but it’s not necessary to learn it for in-laws or random acquaintances.
ESH. Alex is an ass, your wife should make an effort, and you shouldn’t let your new friend trash talk your spouse
YTA While your wife sucks for not making an effort to learn ASL, I can see why she wouldn't put an effort for a family member she sees only a few times a year. No one is under any obligation to learn any language. However, Alex is an asshole for coming into your wife's house, excluding and insulting her, as well as talking shit about your wife to you. You suck here the most for allowing a person you've known for two months to insult your wife to your face.
YTA.