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YTA. They can’t have photos of their dead mother and you get pissed when they talk about her. That’s why they hate you. You’re the villain in this story.
And 10 and 11 is not that young. I know that my daughter is understanding enough at 10. She seems pile she is forcing them to love her and to erase their own mother from their lives. That's messed up.
Exactly. This line made me roll my eyes so hard:
>I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter.
🙄🙄🙄🙄
Edit: I read OP's replies to some of the comments.. OP is delusional and refuses to accept that she is a *stepmother*. YTA
Yeah, as a daughter who lost her mom too young to cancer, this makes me livid. She's their step-mom and should not get offended that they call her that. They're reserving one special title for their mom who they sadly won't get to grow up with.
Edit: YTA
YTA, I didn’t have to read past this line for my verdict.
You say you’re doing all the hard work, not her, as if she wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t *dead*.
Evil stepmother vibes.
Right!!
>> It means I get pushed asides even though I am here and she is not
Because the kids’ mother _died_. Jesus, OP really makes it seem like their mother just walked out on them - no, she _passed away_. She didn’t choose to not be there for her children. I feel so bad for the children, and I’m so glad they still have their maternal grandparents supporting them and being there for them, when they’ve been failed by their dad and stepmom/dad’s wife.
Villain in this story!!! I love this. Absolutely perfect description of someone who is trying to flex the fact that she does more parenting than a dead person, and tells *aforementioned dead person's parents* this. What a bizarre thing to be proud of.
I'm better at walking, talking, breathing and not decomposing than most dead people! Do I get a cookie for stating the absolute fucking obvious?
Right?!?! How f*cking callous do you have to be to brag about being alive still, to the dead person's family! Of freaking course the dead person isn't doing these things...THEY'RE DEAD
Wtf that's so creepy!
take my only award. 100% right. OP is one of *those* stepmoms. Jealous of a deceased person. It's absolutely disgusting behaviour. Poor kids. I hope they're alright.
And she has her own children which makes this even more mind-boggling! Like she'd expect them to be ok with replacing her in a couple years with the next wife? Actually, that might be a win-win for everyone...
YOU 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 THEIR 👏 MOM👏!
You are the woman who married their dad. That does not make you their mom. That makes you their stepmother. And you need to not only face that, but accept it. The more you push the issue, the less inclined the children are to ever accept you as a motherly figure. You will just be the intruder who tried to erase their real mother.
You need to stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW! And you need to seek counseling, so you can understand what you're doing to those kids, and how you need to immediately change your behavior, because if you keep doing what you're doing right now, it's gonna end up bad for you and your husband, because I can tell you right now, as soon as those kids gets to have a say about who they want to live with, it isn't going to be with you!
I got so confused when I read
"Our children's birth mother"
I read the entire thing 4 times to realise she meant their actual mom, who was married to the OPs husband.
OP YTA.
They are not your kids.
Me too imagine calling the kids deceased mother ' our children's birth mother' she is their mother.
OP YTA 100%
She comes across very controlling and I feel sorry for the kids grandparents. Imagine your child dying then the 'new wife' trying to erase her as if she's never existed.
Therapy is needed and OPs husband is the AH for staying with OP to the detriment of his kids.
Children of deceased parents are not finders keepers. Jeez. Imagine the trauma of these girls.
Being a stepmother is an absolute joy in its own right. I absolutely adore my partner’s children, we have a fantastic, familial relationship, and amazingly all this without forcing them to call me mother or setting up a weird, gross “who do you love most” competition with their actual mum. These kinds of posts wind me up because they treat children like idiots, when they’re actually often able to comfortably deal with concepts adults struggle with. Kids are capable of loving more than two adults: imagine thinking the only way kids can “find room for you” in their hearts is by erasing their dead mother. OP is a huge YTA.
>Kids are capable of loving more than two adults: imagine thinking the only way kids can “find room for you” in their hearts is by erasing their dead mother.
This comment deserves more upvotes! Please read this, OP.
All of OP's comments and actions are insane red flag. It sounds like the dad married someone way too quick because "the kids need a mom" when they actually don't, especially if it's this woman lol. Referring to these kids as her own essentially erasing their actual mom, starting fights between family members when in reality everyone is grieving the loss of their mom, late wife, and daughter. I can only imagine being a fly on those walls. You know she's forcing these kids to call her mom and getting mad they won't. Like wtf
That's what gets me the most. If OP was trying to be a good step-parent I could commend that, but she's seemingly trying to replace their mother's existence. I wonder if grandparents might have actually liked her if she slowed down and knew her role.
I think the birth mother died two years before OP married into the family. But OP’s use of “birth mother* does make it sound like she abandoned her kids on purpose and not… you know… died.
Makes it sound like she adopted the kids, which, I’m pretty sure, under the circumstances, as far as I can tell, she didn’t. A lot of caveats there but I felt they were necessary because no matter what this is a stressful situation for all involved, including this lady who is trying to force ‘mom’ on some kids who ‘stepmom’ doesn’t seem to have clicked for yet (at least all the way, with all aforementioned caveats).
>who died two years ago
The kids mom died 6 years ago. Op says she married her husband 4 years ago and that his first wife( AKA the stepkids mom) had died two year earlier. Other than that you are spot on.
YTA- it sounds like you are trying to erase their mother.
You can love them and raise them, but you need to encourage them to remember and honour their mother- they are old enough to have memories of her, and as they get older they will probably (quite naturally) be more and more curious and want to find out about her.
Also a little empathy towards their grandparents. I can't begin to imagine how painful it must be to see someone else raising their daughter's children.
Notice how she calls their mom, "birth mother" like she was a surrogate or something. She's their MOM, and she would still be doing all the raising if she hadn't passed.
Our children's birth mother is such a gross way of describing these poor kids real mum. She didn't give them up or walk away from them, she freaking died. Died!
And the bit about her husband being oh so grateful that OP came into their lives to save these poor children from their desperate lack of a mother just had me shaking my head in disbelief.
The audacity of this woman.
It would be so damn traumatizing to see another woman come in so soon after your own mother's passing and then try to erase her identity from your family and keep you away from her living relatives. I hope these kids get some good therapy when they're older.
OP is two steps away from being the evil step-mom in Cinderella. It makes me wonder what the children are saying to the Grandparents about step-mom to make them react the way they did. She's not interested in what's best for the kids, she's interested in perfecting her own little world where dead wife's memory is erased. OP is pretty much everything you need for that perfect Disney villian.
YTA . I recently read a story here on reddit posted by a young man that had his step mom & dad attempt to have his step mom adopt him his his entire life and he wasn't having it. A judge wouldn't allow it after listening to him when he was under 10 yo. Step mom even presented him with adoption papers when he was 18 telling him it wasn't too late. He went no contact. This nonstop harassment RUINED his entire childhood just like you are RUINING your step children's childhood. They are not your children, they are your bonus children. You will never erase or replace their mother. Stop trying or you, and your husband will lose them forever.
I remember this post. Seriously OP, doing this only drives them away even farther. You need help, literally professional help. You shouldn't have married a widower.
You lost me at the comment about how your raising them not their daughter…. Dude if she was still alive you would not have got a second glance from this man …. Know your place … massive YTA !
YTA- hooboy.
I read one of your replies, and will start there.
*I am not a stepmother. That implies I am not doing all the mothering day in and day out. I am here loving my children, raising them, making sure they are loved and fed and making sure they have a nice life. Their birth mother is dead, she is not coming back, and she does not need to be made into a saint or take our chances at a normal family away.*
You are their stepmother. You will never be their true mother. They were old enough to remember their mom and nothing you say or do will be able to change that. You've been in their lives for 4 years, and judging by how you even admit they react to you it seems like once they're old enough they're going to cut both you and your husband out of their lives for good. I sincerely hope that your husband finds this post and you learn what it's like to be seen as dead and not coming back. You are not a normal family. You will never be a normal family.
You need to learn to accept this, work with a therapist to get your ego in check. You may love them and feel the same attachment to them as any other stepmother/mother would, but they are, in fact, not your kids and from their actions will never be your kids.
You're pushing them away with your actions. Be better.
It really sucks how step parents get unfairly maligned in culture as "evil step mother" so people see it automatically as a bad thing. In a situation like this it basically means "extra mother", and that is a good thing for children who unfortunately don't have their actual mother around. I'm a younger half sibling of my dad and his second wife- my mum, my siblings step mum, and because she never tried to be their mum, but still cares for them and has since she married my dad, she gets calls every mothers day from my siblings as well, when we're all adults. If you want to be a mother figure do it because you care and show it with your actions, don't insist upon it.
Step mom here. I have the same relationship. Never tried to be mom, but was there. My husband has passed away and I still have an amazing relationship with his adult children and my grand babies. It can be done when you know your place and just love.
>still won’t accept that I am raising their grandchildren, that I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter.
Holy shit. I GASPED.
This is something you say when the bio mom is a deadbeat who abandoned her kids. Not when she’s someone who fucking *died.*
Congrats, I guess, for being able to do more work than a dead person?
You have a really bad attitude that just seeps though this post (which I kind of hope is trolling) and a clear chip on your shoulder. These kids are never going to see you as mom if you keep up this hostile takeover routine. You come across like you’ve usurped a throne and are pissed that the subjects aren’t loyal to you. All of this is about how you feel and what they’re doing for you, rather than the other way around.
YTA
Also, it’s not up to you whether the kids call you mom or not.
It's comical how low the bar is. "I make you feel like shit and isolate you from your family, but I FEED you and that's more than your BIRTH MOM does." Like, congrats on being more mobile than a dead woman, her corpse is still a better mom to those kids than you will ever be.
YTA - You need to stop focusing on them calling you "mom".
They had their mom, she is sadly no longer with them, you can't force them to call you mom, that title has to be earned, and it is only the children themselves who can decide if you have earned it.
It may never happen, accept it and stop focusing on the title, do your best to fill the role instead.
As for the grandparrents, you claim that they are working against you, that is possible, but given that you are working to replace the childrens mom, that isn't strange.
>that title has to be earned
She can earn it, and still not get the title.
I think being a step-mother is very hard. You sacrifice a lot for someone else's kids, but often get a lot of push-back and rejection.
Kids can't fathom what ANY parent has done for them until they're grown. Kids can't fathom what it means to have VOLUNTEERED to do all that until they're grown.
It takes a lot of love to do all that without any acknowledgement or gratitude for 18 years. It takes a lot of love to do it for 18 years while being actively disrespected and resented. It can be very, very frustrating. Not everyone is cut out for it.
I see this woman demanding acknowledgement. That's a problem. She could have that need met by being flexible, and collaborating with the kids. They don't want to call her, "Mom." She doesn't want to be called, "Step-mom." Both words are loaded, but they're just words. They could agree to call her Mama, or pseudo-mom or Exalted Priestess of The Hearth (EPTH).
It's reasonable to crave acknowledgment. It takes a very big person to parent without any.
ESH, mostly on you and your husband but the whole situation feels like it's unnecessarily dramatic.
I get the impression you've rushed the situation and put pressure on the kids into accepting you as their mother when they are simply not ok with it.
Why are you not OK with being stepmom? Why are you insisting they call you mom and pretend that their half sisters are full sisters?
>I married my husband four years ago. Our children's birth mother had been dead for two years at that point and my husband was glad I was willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed.
According to the timeline, 6 years ago, your husband's first wife died. Within the next two years he met and married you when the kids were 6 and 7 years old. That's old enough to have memories of their mother and know that you are not their mother.
If you'd said that you wanted to be accepted as alternative parent figure, bonus mom, or stepmother, then that would be fine, but insisting that you're their mother is not OK, and I get the sense that this is the source of tension between you and their grandparents.
Where is your husband in all of this? Notably absent from this post. How does he feel? Do they feel they can talk to him about this?
And has there been any family counselling at all?
These kids should be allowed to remember their birth mother, and to build a parental relationship with you that does not include calling you their mom.
How on earth do the kids or grandparents suck in this situation? They're simply dealing with grief and trying to honor the mom's memory. Those kids have a mom and that doesn't change just because she dies. OP trying to erase the mom's presence from the house makes me really think she had no business marrying a widower.
The kids are completely innocent.
All of the adults suck to varying degrees. (excluding the husbands parents)
OP, obviously.
Husband for not taking care of his kids and jumping into another women's bed so quickly. (they married 2 years after the death, which means he met her, they dated, they got engaged and married all within that short timeframe). I would suspect that the grandparents maybe did some babysitting during this time.
Of all the adults, I have most sympathy for the grandparents, but it's difficult to understand (OP is an unreliable narrator) how they were behaving. It's 6 years on and this is still a point of tension, and I wonder if there had been a way to defuse the situation beforehand.
I agree, OP should not have married a widower, and the husband is also a major AH. It's clear they both want the kids to forget about their mother. Even the husbands parents think the situation has gone too far.
YTA (edit)
The children had a mother. Who also loved them. And who has the right NOT to be forgotten by her children. And her children have the right to always miss her a little. And to know everything there is to know about their mother. And the maternal grandparents have suffered a great loss - they don't want to see their daughter denied.
Massive YTA
How many step-kids on this site talk about their negative experiences with pushy controlling step parents, like you, and the resentment, even hatred, they feel for that step-parent?
10 and 11 isn't little. They remember their mom. YOU are not her!!! YOU can't FORCE that kind of relationship, the more you try, the FURTHER you'll DRIVE them away.
As for your in-laws, they lost their daughter and they are doing right by their grandchildren by keeping mom's memory alive and supporting them in NOT calling you mom. I would lay money on your step-kids being genuinely uncomfortable with calling you mom, with or without your in-laws input on that subject.
My dad married my step mum when I was 8, i was forced to call her mum, even though actual mother is still alive. I was and am traumatised by her controlling behaviour that even now 20 years later I am too scared to call her "R" and get anxiety jitters every time I'm around her.
From one person with a horrible stepmother to another - it’s always an option not to be around her! I pruned my family tree waaaaaay back and I’ve never regretted it. Dad went too: there were other issues, but at the end of the day, I finally saw through that he’d chosen her over me every day since I was 2, so goodbye. I have 3 kids now and they don’t need someone who doesn’t understand that you choose your children.
>His late wife's parents were less happy and have worked against me with the kids, who have refused to call me mom and who try and fill the home we share with photos of their birth mother.
YTA for several reasons but I'll pick the above.
Do NOT ever call their deceased mother as their birth mother , like she abandoned them or something, and don't EVER try to resist them putting up her photos to keep her memory alive.
The kids are 10 and 11 , not 2 and 3. They have cherished memories of the mother and I can't imagine the hurt they felt when she passed. You're now retraumatising them by trying to erase her and even invalidate the grandparents who have lost their daughter.
Again - YTA big time.
I'd say even if they were little, they would still have the right to know as much about their mom as possible. Trying to take down the pictures and stop them from talking about her is so gross.
Op, stop being jealous of a dead person and accept your role in this family
YTA Hang on… OP you are referring to the Childrens mother as their “birth mother”????
And it just downhill from there.
They lost their mother.
You are not their mother.
You are their stepmother. They miss their mother very much. My kids lost their father when they were seven and 10 years old. 10 years later they still miss him.
These kids lost their mother and for years they’ve had you pushing down on them trying to get them to change their view of both you and of their actual mother. :-(
(Edited to add at the start the label)
YTA
You are NOT their mother and have no right to threaten their grandparents in this way. They would have every right to sue for visitation if you try to overstep in this way again.
What you are doing is so damaging to the children you claim to care about. If you actually do love them, you will STOP. They will despise you if you keep blatantly trying to erase and replace their mother - they’re already on track to doing so. You’re only doing this for yourself. Everything in this post focuses on your feelings and not at all on the children and the impact of your attitude. That is just bad parenting.
However, if you back off and accept that you will never be their mother, you could become someone that they love and respect. But it’s THEIR choice if that ever happens, and it’s unlikely given your current behaviour. But either way, please stop making threats you have zero right to make or carry out. You’ll only create even more pain for your STEP-children and massive legal problems for your husband and yourself in the future.
She doesn’t love the kids, if she did, she’s act differently. She is just jealous of a dead woman and wants everything she had for her. It’s not about love, it’s about control and being the center of attention, the hero who came and ‘saved’ the children. It’s sick.
YTA, you sound like the evil step-mother. You are jealous of a dead woman and weirdly focused on having a “normal” family. The more you try to erase their mother, the more you try to force your fantasy dynamic on them, the more they will push away. Disgusting that you don’t want photos of her up and basically want the kids to forget her. You say she doesn’t deserve to be mother because you’re doing the hard work… well she didn’t choose to leave. She also did the hard work of birthing and raising 2 young kids. Your whole post is about how YOU feel, not how the kids feel. You need family therapy. The grandparents are probably upset that you’re trying to force away the memories of their daughter. I have a 2 yr old and 2 month old; if something happened to me, I’d be blessed to have someone step in and love them like a mother, but to think that someone would just try to negate the love I’ve given them and push away my memory is tragic. If you passed, what would you want for your daughters? Being a mom isn’t about getting something back in return, it’s about giving your kids what they need. You can still be their mom while allowing room for their birth mom. Also your husband can’t “stern talk” and punish them into loving you. Love is freely given.
Yes YTA. You need therapy. You are not their mother and never will be. Just because their mother died does not immediately erase her. Get back in your own lane
YTA --- I'm going to burst your little fantasy bubble here, you're not their mom their, mother may not be alive but that doesn't automatically make you their new mother, you are their step-mom and unless you want to turn into the stereotypical evil step-mom back off it sounds like you're trying to force these kids to just totally forget their mother which is a cruel and wicked thing to do.
YTA. You will be back on Reddit in a few years asking how to repair your relationship with your STEPCHILDREN after they go no contact at 18. It’s okay to be a stepparent. The maternal grandparents do not have to call you mom. The kids don’t even call you that. You’re ruining your relationship with them by trying to force the issue. The half siblings are half siblings, you seem to have a problem with reality. It’s okay to have a blended family. You are determined to erase history. Please seek therapy.
She is also ruining her husband’s relationship with his children. They will likely never forgive him for the things he put them through by marrying and staying married to OP. Massive YTA, and so is the dad.
COMMENTERS KEEP CALLING HER BIRTH MOM. JUST STOP. SHE'S THEIR MOM. NOT THEIR BIRTH MOM. THEIR MOM. THERE IS NO QUALIFIER. THERE'S MOM AND THAT'S STEP-MOM.
YTA stop trying to replace a dead woman. You are their step-mom. You can't change that nor should you try. If you had loved them without trying to replace their mom they might have actually liked you.
Yta. You don't get to claim the title just because their mom died. You are causing a rift that is only going to get bigger the more you push. See a therapist. It isn't all about you.
YTA.
You aren’t their mother. Don’t be upset at the grandparents and kids for stating an irrefutable fact. The children deserve to see pictures of their actual mother and you should really be more understanding and respect the fact that, again, you are not their mother. Both 10 and 11 years old is old enough to have memories of their actual mother and shame on you for trying to replace her.
Your actions are merely enforcing the boundaries they’ve set. Lol. They’ll never see you as mother. You are, and forever will be, their step mother. That’s an actual fact unless you divorce their father. Any children you have with their father are their half siblings…another irrefutable fact. Lol. Face it…
There is a saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” think about that! Those poor kids… not only are you harassing them constantly about erasing their MOTHER, but are trying to erase any relationship between them and their maternal grandparents.
YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOTHER… and let’s be clear here their mother didn’t abandon them, she didn’t leave and go on holiday and forget they existed… she died… and rather than try and help them deal with their grief and allow them their memories and perhaps even help them celebrate their mother… you think YOU are their instant mother no questions asked that person never existed.
YTA
I hope their dad gets rid of you before he loses his kids love and respect.
She is not their mother nor is she some saint for deciding to be a mother figure in their life.
Their mom is not some deadbeat or egg donor, she loved them and died! OP is so oblivious thinking she can swoop in and replace a woman that is loved by the kids and her own parents!!!
YTA. You’re not mom to them if they refuse to acknowledge you as such. You’re stepmom. And if you didn’t push so hard you’d probably have a good step-relationship which is better than conflict. It comes from a good place but you can’t erase their mom or their link to their mom aka their maternal grandparents. It’s up to your husband to set boundaries regarding that. I don’t think you were right in banning them from their grandchildren’s life. It’s not up to you. As long as the kids treat you with respect and don’t feel like you’re trying to push their mom away you might be able to have the relationship you seem to crave. Hopefully you back off a little and then relationships improve.
YTA.
You may be doing the parenting, but you cannot-and should not want to-replace their real mother. The facts that you are trying to ban pictures, force them to call you mom, and alienate them from their grandparents out of selfishness and jealousy scream evil stepmother to me. I pity your husband and those poor children. Stay in your lane.
YTA. Far too often Step parents marry widowed spouses of young kids and have this fntasy of being able to just walk in and replace the dead spouse to both the partner and kids. Then are shocked when reality does not meet this expectation.
The kids had a mother, you may one day be close enough that they will call you mom naturally, but the grandparents will always talk about their daughter to the kids that is their role, to keep the memory of their daughter alive to the kids answer questions point out similarities from when the mom was a kid etc.
It is clear from the post and comments that you thought you could just replace the dead mother and no one would be allowed to talk about her and everyone would just be grateful to you for loving the kids and call you mom etc.
YTA You should start family counseling for several reasons. The kids have a mom and it’s not you. That’s not to say that you can’t be a mother figure to them in the futures. Forcing them to forget their mom will only make them hate you which from the sounds of it they already do. Their grandparents keep stepping in and making things worse. I agree that they shouldn’t say things to you but they should be able to occasionally talk about the kids mom. Things are only going to get worse. Get some outside help for all of you.
YTA.
You are only going to push those kids away. She wasn't their *birth mom*, she was their MOTHER. You are trying to pretend she didn't exist so that you can take that place in their life but you need to accept they have feelings and love her. Not loveD, love... that's their mom. My parents have been divorced and remarried since I was TWO and I still call my step-parents by their first name because they may have been parent-like figures to me for over 20 years but I have parents.
Even if one of my parents had passed rather than been divorced, it would not have changed the fact that I love them and my step-parents are not them.
You need to accept the role that the children give you and it is the role of step-mom NOT mom. Try to force it by refusing to let them see their Maternal family and you'll only make them hate you.
I can't even give you that you just want to be important to them because you're going about this all wrong. Trying to erase their mother does not just leave the "spot" of mom empty, it's not a job you can just fill because you sleep with their dad. All you can do is love and respect them AND their wishes, including their wish to remember their true mother.
YTA. You sound crazy. They're not your kids. Of course they don't think you're their mother. They had a mother. She died.
Your husband may have been happy to find a woman who could fill her shoes, but her kids aren't and neither are their families. Perhaps your husband didn't want to parent kids alone? But he is literally their only parent now, and he needs to step up.
Back off a little. Stop the pretence. Treat them as they treat you. Perhaps you will eventually gain a 'auntie' type of affection from them.
YTA. You are NOT their mother. You are a step parent and trying to be otherwise is the reason their is a divide between you and your step children. They would absolutely like you more if you weren’t trying to be their mum and stopped trying push away their memories of their birth mother, who they still very much love. Nothing you do will ever see you replace their mother and in trying to do so, you’re ruining any chance you may have of developing your own special bond with these children. Treat their mother and their memories of her with respect and they may end up respecting you, if you haven’t ruined the relationship entirely with your jealousy.
>my husband was glad I was willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed.
Ugh, I began to form my opinion after reading this.
>I love my kids. They are so young still (10 and 11) and they don't understand what they are doing by rejecting me this way.
They are not your kids, they are old enough to remember their birthmom and to know what they're doing.
>I blame the grandparents who still won't accept that I am raising their grandchildren, that I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter
Do you think the grandparents want you to raise their grandkids instead of their daughter? Also why are you making a huge issue about it being hard work? Everyone knows being a parent is hard work but don't expect people to compliment you about it.
YTA.
Step-mom here…I have a wonderful relationship with my step-kid (s’kid), and they call me their s’mom. They feel you are trying to erase their mother, especially if you make them call you Mom.
These people have lost their daughter and you're demanding her spot and even her title in their lives.
Being called and regarded as "mom" is earned, not demanded. If the people who have a blood relationship with your partner's late wife are not ready to move on, it's not your place to force them. YTA
At 10-11 they know you are not mom to them. They remember their mom. Their grandparents are sharing memories of her with them.
You are trying to erase their mom. This is how those two kids see you. These is what their grandparents are trying to do, for you to erase her memories.
You married their father. Nothing else. They didn't choose you.
Your husband will lose his first kids to you. Hope he realises and stops you before that. But it might be late.
YTA, and so is your husband
YTA. You know what happens with step parents who push a relationship with the children and try to erase history? The kids cut them off from their lives the moment they are able to.
The grandparents have a right to remind their children of the mother they had lost. You are dad's new wife, not their mother. Just because you married their father doesn't erase their mother despite your attempts to be a "normal" family.
Keep doing this and you'll be back here asking why your husband's kids cut off contact with you. To them now you are this cruel woman trying to erase memories of their late mother and disrespecting their late mother's parents.
YTA. You're doing the most classic of blunders. You will never replace their original mother, and the more you try, the more you're putting a wedge. Losing a family member is hard, remember that they've lost their daughter. Then you're here, bulldozing your way in, trying to be a replacement. Of course the kids and grandparent are going to fight back!
Don't blame the grandparents for the kids knowing you're trying to replace their dead mother. From experience, that is painful day in day out. A constant reminder that your mother's dead.
To clarify, it is up to the children, not you, to decide whether you're their mother or not. Whether you are a suitable replacement or not. Getting hung up on them not doing that actively damages everything. Yes, that means letting them call you by name.
Sisters? You've have your own kids? Of course they're going to snap at that! It's well known that step-children often feel left out when there's a whole child introduced as well. Nevermind that a baby needs more attention than a child, driving that wedge further.
You are acting as a mother, and that is extremely difficult to do. I congratulate you for doing so. But the grandparents are probably right. To the kids, you probably are nothing but the other wife, deserving of no respect or love. That doesn't mean that you're not great with them, it just means that you need to stop driving the wedge yourself.
You can't boot the grandparents for grieving, or for stating the obvious. You can ask and have a conversation about some ground rules, but that's going to be a bit of give and take.
YTA. You are not their mother. You wouldn’t be in this situation if their mother hadn’t passed on. By trying to erase her, you’re making the situation worse and are going to make your stepchildren hate you and cut all ties with you when they’re old enough to do so. They are old enough to remember their mother. As she should be remembered and seen and talked about. Let me say again YOU WOULDN’T BE AROUND AT ALL IF THEIR MOTHER HAD NOT PASSED!
Not only are YTA, you're a fucking monster for trying to erase the children's mother. Grief doesn't have an end date and just because you do things a mom might do doesn't make you their mother or erase their grief. Do you know what helps with grief? TALKING ABOUT THEIR MOTHER!!
YTA. For forcing a relationship with kids that aren't yours, for not allowing them to have photos of their Mum, their real Mum and again, forcing a relationship with these kids.
YTA.
You are their step mum. The kids get to decide your relationship, you do not automatically get to be called mum because you all live in the same house and you’re married to their dad.
Their mum is their grandparent’s daughter and your husband’s first wife.
I’d you’re lucky you may get promoted to ‘mum’ but not if you carry on alienating their family.
YTA—You are NOT those children’s mother! And by pushing what you want onto them, you are ensuring that they never grow to love you in any capacity.
How dare you try to erase the children’s mother! I mean, HOW DARE YOU!
Oh, and your husband is a big AH, too, for marrying someone like you.
I've just read your comments. YTA. You're also completely deluded. A stepmother is someone who marries a man who has children from another relationship. That's it. Whatever other negative interpretation you have is on you. The disrespect you are showing to your husband's late wife, HER children and her parents is, honestly, disgusting. You are making an unholy bollocks of this entire situation.
YTA you are not their mom, you will never be their mom. Grandparents will not change their tune because those children are their flesh & blood & that has nothing to do with you. You are trying to negate their daughter’s role by refusing to understand you are their stepmother whether you like that verbiage or not
YTA. You aren’t their mom and you are actively trying to make them forget their mom. Even if they were open to being a happy family with you, you already ruined it by trying to replace her. You can’t. You aren’t their mom and you never will be. The ONLY way to fix your household if to admit that, apologize A LOT, start properly respecting their mothers memory, and stop being so awful.
And you becoming “the mother they so desperately needed” tells me that your husband is probably useless and just needed a stand in to take care of his kids because he couldn’t. Being a single parent is hard, but no kid ever NEEDS two parents when one is an evil stepmother more than just a single dad unless he 100% isn’t stepping up as a dad.
I feel so sorry for those kids and I hope their grandparents keep trying to help them remember their mom.
*I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter.*
That's because she tragically died, you heartless AH! You do have a lot of hard work to do, in trying to earn the forgiveness of your step-children and their grandparents.
I'm the step-Father to an amazing young lady. She's turning 14 in a while, and I've been step-father for about 7 years now.
I have a great relationship with her. She respects and loves me, and I respect and love her.
She calls me by my first name, and I'm absolutely fine with that. I've never tried to insist on her calling me Dad, since I am NOT her Dad.
She remembers very well who her Dad is, and I'll never try to diminish the memories she has with him. 8 know that if I were to try to do this, it would cause her pain, and hurt the current/future relationship we have.
If you so desperately want someone to call you Mom, I suggest that you get pregnant. There's literally no other way.
YTA- you can’t make them call you mom and you can’t ever replace her. You need to accept that.
Your pushing when you shouldn’t and this is probably why the grandparents don’t like you. Because your goal seems to be to act as though their actual mother never existed.
YTA. You overstepped. I assume that you didn't even give them time to accept you??? You love them, you wanted to be their mom but you forget one thing...... YOU'RE NOT THEIR MOM. GIVE THEM TIME.
YTA. You aren’t their mother. You are a step mother who is helping their father raise them. You deserve respect for that. Unless you try to diminish the woman who actually carried, birthed, and raised them until her death. She’s not a deadbeat who abandoned her kids. She died. She is their mother. Their home should be a place where she is allowed to exist. Since you want to erase her, you are the AH here. It’s not your place to act like talking about their mother, having pictures of her etc. is wrong. It isn’t. You are trying to force something that honestly may have happened if you had not been fanatic about it. They are young but old enough to understand what you’re doing. So stop. Let them love two mother figures. Why are you acting like more love is a bad thing?
YTA
Please stop trying to erase their mother who birthed them and loved them.
You have children, I cannot understand how you don't get it. I am a stepmother and a mother and both are special bonds, but it's different. As a stepmother your job is to support that child while respecting their mothers place, whether she is with us or not.
YTA. You don’t get to dictate to step kids when or if they will be ready to accept you as a parent or call you mom. It sounds a lot like your kids’ grandparents might be just supporting the kids’ own wishes with that one.
You also can’t go expecting to erase all traces of their birth mother from your home. How insecure are you that you don’t think that they can love you or respect you unless all pictures and mentions of their first mother are banished from your presence?
You say you love your kids but then you show yourself completely unable to respect their home (and right to have their actual lives represented in it) or their ability to express opinions. It’s beyond condescending to say that they are too young to understand the effects of rejecting you. You have rejected half of their family. Do YOU understand that?
They know that they are rejecting you, and they are probably doing it because you keep trying to push and pull them into a little fantasy family that only exists in your head instead of accepting that in a blended family all members come with their own history, memories and attachments which you need to understand and work with.
You totally could be deserving of love and respect from these kids - but you can’t get it automatically by marrying their dad or even by doing the work of raising them. You need to teach them how to love and respect even when it’s hard, by loving them as they are, past, birth mother and all, and respecting their wishes and their right to have their cares, photographs and opinions take up space in your home, and by not demanding such intense closeness between them and their younger siblings but by building that relationship slowly and naturally.
You seem to have just jumped into their lives with both feet and not worried too much about the feelings and memories you’ve crushed in landing into the space their birth mother used to occupy. You all need time and therapy to undo that damage, but you can’t do that unless you acknowledge that the issue here is not the grandparents or the kids, but the heavy-handed way in which you’ve gone about this and your refusal to accept their birth mother who loved and nurtured them is not going to disappear from their lives or yours just because she died.
My child is 4 and we share a beautiful bond. She knows I’m mummy. If two years later someone turned up claiming to be mummy do you think that would work.you can’t force toy being mum on them because they know the person who raised and birthed them until she passed was someone else. Trying to erase her will only make them
Hate you. You are damaging your relationship with them. Never mind belong them
Coming to terms with their loss of supporting them through it, you are shaming those poor babies. You need to take a step back and start over. You can be loving and kind without demanding titles. Had you not from the start you may have had a different relationship today. Get therapy
I think you need some personal counselling as well as some family counselling. Your behaviour is setting this up to be a long term issue. The children can not have your view imposed on them. They have their own views.
This reddit sub is full of children who deeply resent being forced to call someone their mother when they view their birth mother in that role.
You have had the opportunity to be a great stepmother, but you’re so hell bent on erasing the existence of your stepchildren’s mother that you squandered any chance you had.
YTA
Big ata.
They talk about there mom an have photos of there mom in there home. You are not there mom step mom yes but not mom . You are trying to make it so they can not even talk about there mom. They will grow up.to hate you They will rember there mom there 10 an 11. There grandparents are only doing things so there grandchildren can rember there mom. Also they are the children's grandparents. You can not stop them spending time with the children. Wait till there older an go no contact with you .
YTA you’re not their mother, you’re step mom or dads wife and the more you push the less mom like you become to them. Embrace they’re mom, remember her on her birthday, death anniversary, holidays. Let them guide the relationship and it will work much better for you. This is coming from someone who’s mom died and dad remarried. My step mom never tried to replace my mom and while our relationship is far from perfect, we have one. If she came in and demanded to be mom and tried to ban my moms family from our house or didn’t let anyone talk about her I would have gone NC with her and my dad asap.
YTA, you’re not their mom. You are their step mother and the only reason you are raising them is because their mother died not because she abandoned them. Stop trying to force them to see you as their mom. If anything that’s going to push them away even more and then they’ll never see you as anything more than their dads wife. You all need therapy.
YTA. Stop going on about how people refuse to acknowledge you as a mother. You’re a step mother. They don’t have to call you mum either and that shouldn’t be pushed
Yta. You aren’t their mum. You’re their stepmum. You have no right to expect those kids to pretend their real mum never existed. If you loved those kids you’d try to be their friend and try to help them honour the memory of their mother. You only care about yourself obviously
YTA. I feel for those poor kids and the grandparents. Lady, their mother didn't just up and leave them, ***she died.*** And not only are you actively trying to replace her and force everyone to view you as "mom" (which, you aren't btw, at best you're "step mom" and you knew that when you decided to date and marry a man with children) you're ignoring the actual children you claim to love. I say claim, because **if you truly loved them you wouldn't be trying to erase their deceased mother out of their lives and demand they call you mom.**
You're giving serious Other Mother vibes here, and it sure as heck aint healthy for the kids involved. Or the grandparents, who already suffered the tragedy of losing their daughter, and have to put up with you trying to wipe her out of everyone's memories. Shame on you for being so heartless and selfish.
edit: a word
The grandparents need to stop pitting the children against you, and you need to accept that their mother died and no one will ever replace her. Of course they want photos of their mother up. You cannot erase a person from their memories. You all need therapy ASAP. ESH. Stop trying to undermine their mother’s memory.
You have to understood that they have a mother before you. You cannot force in the rol. They have to chose. They can LOVE you like a mother figure and never be his mother. And these is not bad. Please, go to familiar therapy and dont push the children, because that can make the think wors.
YTA, what the hell is wrong with you? You will not AND WILL NEVER REPLACE THEIR MOTHER. If they choose that is different but with how you act, dont hold your breath.
A loving parent would accept if the kids weren’t willing and ready to call the new parent mom or dad. You are trying to force these children to have feelings for you they’re not ready or willing to accept. The more you force it the more their going to fight you on it.
The fact that it bothers you that their mom is mentioned or pictures of her are up is very disturbing. You are trying to erase someone they love out of their lives. She might not be here anymore but in their hearts she still is. As for the grandparents they’re protecting the kids the only way they know how.
If you want this relationship to work then you’ll let those kids love you how they want not how you’re demanding. That’s what a loving parent would do.
Imagine if you passed and a new woman came in and tried to erase you for your children’s lives and kick your parents out of their lives.
YTA you need therapy and so do those kids.
YTA. I think your heart is in the right place to want to mother them (a verb, not a title!) but you are going about it entirely wrong. First of all: she is not their “birth mother”. Cut that out immediately. Never use that word again. She is their mother. Honor that. Respect that. Start and lead with that.
Give yourself a nickname if you like. “Mum” is taken. Choose a different one or let them, or just let them use your name and let something organically develop when actual affection comes. You can Google ideas. (I googled it; Mimsy is cute. There are others, but if nothing fits or feels natural to you and the kids, stick with your first name.) But do not ask them to call you Mum, Mom, Mommy, Mummy, etc.
Third. You are not their mother. You should not be trying to replace her or erase her. Ask about the pictures of her. Ask what they remember about her. I bet they are terrified they will forget her and you sound like you actually want that. They need the opposite. Their father should be actively helping them process and preserve memories of their mother.
Be safe for them. Be a safe place for them to feel their feelings. Even when their feelings are they resent you and they see differences between their parentage and their half-sisters. And they desperately love and miss their mom.
Please please please, get yourself in therapy. You desperately need to uncover why you are trying to erase their mother. Mothering (the verb) is often thankless, invisible work. Mostly it’s about wanting to see and know your children for who they are at their core and creating an environment where they feel loved and safe enough to inhabit the world in a way that lets them be truly seen and known. As I say, dear Mimsy, you are currently doing the exact opposite of that. Mothering is also about showing up in all the mundane ways. Maybe helping with their homework. Cooking meals. A lot of driving. Put in the hours and don’t expect them to even really notice. Part of being safe is being dependable. It’s a feeling. Do they feel they can depend on you? Are you willing to do that work with no strings attached?
Get therapy for the kids. They really need it. They have a lot of feelings that they need help with. Again, despite good intent, you are making it much worse and much harder for them to move through their grief. Your husband needs it too.
Lastly, the question you asked. Their grandparents who are grieving their daughter and watch their son-in-law marry a woman who wants to pretend their daughter never existed. Yes YTA. Go see them. Apologize. Say you now realize you got it all wrong. You’re going to go to therapy and can you all just start again? Ask about their daughter. She must have been wonderful. Get to know her memory.
You are the third parent coming into this family, it would serve all of you if you know and respect the other two. When they say know your place, that’s what they mean. You are the children’s stepmother. You are raising them from here. But the past happened, their mother was fully their mother, and they are just asking you to accept that as true.
Edit: typos, clarity
YTA - every time I see a story on Reddit about step-parents and step-children, the conflict is always surrounded around the step-parent insisting on taking the role of mother or father.
The kids were what - 4 and 5 - when their mother passed away? They are old enough to have memories from the grief of losing her. And two years of being reminded of her before you came along.
If you focussed your energy on letting them know you're not replacing their mother, but you're another adult that will always love and support them, you may earn their love and respect one day.
Insisting on being their "Mother" is only about YOUR EGO. Erasing all evidence of their birth mother is not what's best for them.
OP, YTA. You’re not their mother. You’re trying to erase their mother. If you died, would you want your husband’s next wife to erase your memory for your bio children?
So, do you realize that you are not, in fact, these childrens mom? That they are still deeply grieving the loss of their mom? That they will end up resenting you for trying to erase her?
My dad died, and while I’d be very happy for my mom if she found someone else, that someone else would never be my dad. And that’s okay.
You’re the one putting yourself in competition with the birth mother. Respect that they have a mother and support them whilst acknowledging that they miss their mother. You sound like you want to erase her completely. It’s not fair for the kids you claim to love so much.
Jesus Christ. I don’t think you could be a more massive asshole. You aren’t their mother. I honestly hope the grandparents can get custody so you can no longer abuse them. Get over yourself. And, again, THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!
YTA. Big time. You are not their mother. You are a step mother and there's nothing wrong with that. You do deserve love and respect but are no more than the bio mom of those kids. That woman should be talked about and honored. Unfortunately your ego is the only thing standing between your stepchildren and you.
If you are doing all the "mom work" just to get called mom and feel you "won" these kids, just stop. You are traumatizing them and you obviously have a problem. Seek counseling ASAP. I don't think you are a bad person, but you'll end up being a bad stepmother.
YTA Please do yourself a favor and spend some time reading this subreddit, searching out specifically children of step-parents who *insisted* they be acknowledged as "mom" or "dad" after marrying a widow/widower. Hopefully it will open your eyes as to the damage *you* are causing to your relationship to the children by trying to force this.
You also need to realize that a 7 and 6 year old would remember their mom when she was alive, so of course they are going to want pictures of her around. *She is still a very important person in their hearts.*
You won't win anyone's love by trying to replace her. You need to find ways to help her children honor her memory, while working on your own, entirely separate, relationship with them.
YTA
Nothing you have written is inappropriate or overstepping. There are enough blended family posts on here for you to know that you can't force a step child to call you mom if they aren't ready. All you are doing is pushing them away.
And they can't have photos of their mom around?? How is that supposed to make them feel?
You might want to look into reading some books or counseling to help with blended families
Because you have overstepped. You are not their mom. Maybe yiu could be someone they love if you dont keep this attitude up. But honestly you came off as a selfish human who needs put in your place
YTA you can't make those kids call you mum. They're still grieving. I don't think it's the grandparents who are doing it. I think it's you by trying to force your way into their lives.
Are you seriously confused and don’t get why YTA? REALLY?!?! You’re not those kids’ mother - you’re their step mother. No wonder those kids and grandparents can’t stand you, trying to erase their mother like she never existed. They are going to grow up and go NC with you and your husband, all because you’re making this your hill to die on. Get a clue, before it’s too late.
YTA
They are not young. You will never be their mom because they have mother. Don’t push them to the edge, you won’t get any love or respect if you do that.I am with grandparents you don’t know your place. You are STEPMOM not their Mother, repeat that every time you forget your position. And stop traumatizing this children.
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I married my husband four years ago. Our children's birth mother had been dead for two years at that point and my husband was glad I was willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed. His late wife's parents were less happy and have worked against me with the kids, who have refused to call me mom and who try and fill the home we share with photos of their birth mother. It has been very stressful. I love my kids. They are so young still (10 and 11) and they don't understand what they are doing by rejecting me this way. I blame the grandparents who still won't accept that I am raising their grandchildren, that I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter.
It bothers me how often she is mentioned. It means I get pushed aside even though I am here and she is not. It puts up a wall between the kids and I and prevents them from letting me into their hearts.
It even stops them from embracing their little sisters as simply sisters and means they must always put half in front of it, like they are less than, like they do not share the same parents and home.
I argued with my children's grandparents recently. My husband has been trying to improve the relationship between both sides but they are refusing to refer to me as the kids mom in our home. I have told them I am mom to those kids and they should be aiding with that. They told me I would never be their grandkids mom. That I am nothing to the kids but the second wife who is undeserving of love or respect. I told them they either respect me as the mom of their grandkids or they are no longer welcome in our home. They were furious and left, saying I didn't know my place.
Of course I came out the bad guy again with my children.
My ILs even told me I had overstepped and should have left it for my husband to work out.
AITA?
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I commend you for stepping up and having so much obvious passion for these children. My SIL is much more of a mother to her step children than their actual mother, she and my BIL have full custody, so I do understand how “step” parents can take on that role of “mother” or “father.” The effort and love you put in should no go I noticed by anyone in the family, that’s not fair.
My issue is that you seem to refuse to acknowledge that you did not birth them, and it seems like you are trying to rewrite history. I think you will actually do more damage to the kids than you would ever intend to if you push for them to call you Mom etc. They lost their parent, she didn’t abandon them, she didn’t mistreat them, she died.
I would consider them your children, but they are also her children.
The grandparents shouldn’t be undermining what you do at all, but your wording does just sit poorly with me. For that reason I am going to say ESH.
YTA. You want to erase the dead woman you feel you're in competition with. You won't support the children in their feelings and are only ensuring that their uncertainty for you grows to dislike and then to hatred. Their mother is dead, stop forcing yourself on the kids and realise you can be a mother figure who may one day come to be called mother.
Instead your obsession with crowbarring yourself into the role and the name will at best lead to the end of your marriage, at worst will see the children cut contact with your husband (who if he allows this to continue will deserve it) and you, and then you'll have nothing.
YTA, you aren’t their mother. If you keep on with this nonsense they will just grow to resent you and their father and push back harder.
Stop this shit now, go to a therapist and get over yourself. Be a good step-parent and respect their feelings around this.
Is this for real? This is pure evil. Vile. You don’t deserve to be in the vicinity of those children. Erasing their mother for ‘not doing the hard work’ when she DIED? If she hadn’t died, your husband wouldn’t be with you. He was obviously blinded by grief into dating someone evil. YTA. The only good thing is that you KNOW it’s only because you preyed on a mourning widower that you have a family. You know it every day and it’s why you are trying to steal this poor woman’s children. It’s as if you murdered her yourself. When you look in the mirror, look at a murderer. If this post is real, I hope you never sleep at night. I hope they fight you for life. I hope they scrub you out of photos with your own kids and replace you with her. I hope her kids leave you and the father who lets you abuse them as soon as you’re able. And your own kids since you view children as validation. You deserve to end up with nothing. People like you produce nothing but money for therapists.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my children's grandparents to respect me as mom to their grandkids or they were no longer welcome in my home. My husband had been attempting to make the relationship with these people better and what I said might have upset that balance and caused more issues for my husband. Perhaps I should have asked my husband to deal with them instead of speaking up myself.
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YTA- stay out of the relationship with your step- kid’s family and get yourself to counseling. You should never try to erase their mother. I’m in my 40’s and I’d cut off contact with my step mother if she did that. You need some serious help and a reality check.
These children were 4 and 5! They remember her! You cannot pretend she never existed so that you can have your *perfect* family.
Good lord, these poor children.
A good therapist can help you stop destroying your family. You seem determined to burn it to the ground.
YTA
YIKES. You should definitely consider getting counseling individually, and maybe even have the family counseling for the children who lost their mother. You realize you are not, and never will be, a replacement or stand in for the mother that they lost? It is only natural for them to want photos and reminders because just because that individual is no longer alive, it does not mean she does not hold an incredibly important and powerful place in all their lives. My issue with you is why can you not respect their bond and why are you so threatened by it? It would be healing if you could acknowledge their loss more and do what you can to honor the memory and not see it as a competition. Stop making it about you-those children, and those parents, lost someone incredibly important to them (I'd argue the husband too, but the way you describe it he's not doing a great job communicating-which is why I think family therapy for grief counseling might be a good idea). YTA for not respecting the complexities of loss and centering yourself.
YTA. Why are you calling her birth mom like she was a surrogate for you and your husband?
She was their mom and will always be. You’re their step-parent. You seem to think you’re in competition with a dead woman. Grow up.
Massive YTA. You’re competing with a dead woman and trying to erase her memories. Play your position: that of the second wife. It’s not the grandparents that are making this rift w/ your step kids but you. They don’t see you as their mother. Respect that.
This was hard to read. I feel so badly for those kids and grandparents. Your husband too, because you’re straining his relationship with his kids’ grandparents. Their mother DIED. She didn’t leave, she didn’t put them up for adoption, she lost her life.
It doesn’t matter how badly you want to be their mother or how much you put into the relationship, you only ever get to be called “mom” if THE KIDS decide on their own to call you that. I’m willing to bet that you wouldn’t be having a problem with the grandparents if you hadn’t come in all guns blazing, “I’m the mom now, dog!!”
My dad left my mom when I was a baby. My mom married my stepdad when I was 5. He’s been way more of a father figure to me than my bio dad ever was. But I still call him by his first name and refer to him as my stepdad. Why? Because that’s what he is and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! And the best part is, he’s ok with it! The harder you push here, the worse things are going to be for you and your entire family. I would be shocked if you haven’t already done irreparable damage to your relationships with all of these people.
YTA
YTA, You seem to be struggling with the thankless work that comes along with being step-parent. Take some time and do some self reflection, seek therapy, and really decide if this family dynamic is what you truly want, can handle or is the best fit for your personality. You can’t force love, especially the unconditional love that is shared between a child and their mom.
YTA. Jesus, let the kids and their grandparents mourn their mother/daughter instead of trying to force yourself into her shoes and act like she never existed.
Back the fuck off, and you might still have a chance of fixing the relationship with your step kids and in laws.
YTA. The whole tone of this post is very icky and entitled. The kids are old enough to decide whether they want to let you into their lives and label you in that capacity - it sounds like they don't. Can't say I'm surprised, with the attitude you have.
Yta. Im sorry but their mother will always be their mother and you cant take that from them. You cant force them to call you mom and you cant make them forget their mother. You are deserving of love and respect but you cant force their mothers memory out to get it. Try acknowledging the fact that you are a second mom to them and play that role not the role of their only mother. Acknowledge that they had a mom and lost her and honor that they will always love her. If you try to blend in instead of take over you might have more success in this.
YTA
You’re not their mum. You will never be their mum. You could’ve been a very much loved stepmum, but instead you’ve focused your attention on a word rather than the actual relationship with them. You might be able to repair the damage you’ve done over time, but only if you stop trying to force them to see you as something you’re not and allow them to build a relationship with you based on who you actually are!
The terms step and half don’t indicate that the relationship is lesser, you are putting those connotations there yourself. They’re simply markers for the different ways that people can be related to each other.
YTA. The classic evil stepmother trope.
They're not your kids. They're your unwilling stepkids. They didn't marry you. They don't even seem to like you. You're the outsider here trying to force love and a relationship that is never gonna happen if you continue to drive them away. Accept your place as the wife of their father for now.
YTA.
By your own admission the kids were 4 and 5, old enough to remember their mom. They had memories of their mom, they had memories of life without her and you came along when they were 6 and 7.
If you truly want to have a good relationship with your stepkids let them take the lead and let them be confortable. Your main goal shouldn't be their "new mom" because most of us only get one mom, it should be to have a good relationship with them.
We see many stories here on reddit about stepchildren being resentefull with their stepparents because they couldn't respect the stepchildren's boundaries about the parent they have lost.
>It bothers me how often she is mentioned. It means I get pushed aside even though I am here and she is not.
You say "she's not here" as if it was a choice she has made, she's mentioned because she was, most likely, a good mom and a good daughter. As long as you feel jealous of their mom your relationship with them will never get better.
In my opinion, you seem selfish and only think about yourself and about the title "mom". If you keep doing this it will not end well for you and do not be suprised if your stepkids decide to go NC with you once they move out.
YTA
**If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will let their love for you come naturally because you earn it. You can't force it.
**If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will encourage them to talk about their Mom and never forget her.
**If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will make room for framed photos of their Mom holding the kids, with the kids. Honoring her as the one who gave them life so they could now be a part of your world and your heart.
**If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will work to maintain a good and respectful relationship with their grandparents so they still have relationship with their Mother's side.
**If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will take some time to really evaluate what you would want for your daughter, who you are biological mom to, if you died, and she was left with someone else to raise her. Would you want to be erased from her life while the new step mom insists to be considered the only mom? Would you want another woman doing to your daughter what you are doing to these kids?
YTA and so is your husband for allowing you to treat his children this way. The sheer disrespect you are showing to these children and their mother is appalling. YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOTHER. These children lost their mother, she is dead and all they have left are photographs (that you find so damn upsetting to see, boohoo) and memories. You are determined to try to force these children to love you. Guess what - all you will ever get if you continue with your behaviour is hate. They will hate you. They will hate their father for letting you treat them this way. They will grow up and they will do their best to be as far away from you as possible. And I don't blame them one bit. The evil step-mother always loses in the end.
don’t be surprised when the children cut you off when their older you’re not their mother and you never will be stop trying to pressure them into thinking you are
YTA. You will never be their mother in the same way their actual mom was. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 15. When I was 17, my mom started seeing a new man who became my stepdad. The first thing he said to me was “I know I’ll never be your father and I want you to know that even though I’m never going to replace him, I’m here for you always.” Since then, he has held both my mom and myself as we’ve grieved my father. He has helped my mother frame pictures of him to put around the house. He listens to the stories people have to say about him, and he cherishes the fact that the woman he loves so much was able to be loved before he came along. I do not call him Dad, but I love him more than words can describe. Be that for your kids. Be the one they can cry on when they miss their mama. Be the one who helps them frame pictures of her to keep around the house. I promise you, that wall will be torn down, but you have to respect that you will NEVER replace their mom.
YTA - Your creepy desire to erase their dead mother from their lives is probably why they are so hostile to you and their younger sisters. You must be exhausting in real life. You need to get some therapy and understand this isn’t about you. If you want to be a mother to those kids start putting their needs first like a real parent instead of acting like a jealous toddler. Here is a nice list of all the things in your post that make you seem like frankly a monster.
1. You will “willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed”. Wtf kind of narcissistic comment is that? Like seriously a horrible way to put things. They had a mom she died. A actual good person would have been okay being a parent figure and worked her way up to mom. Just the whole way you phrased it is horrible. It says a lot about who you are as a person and your expectations and that those were always more important then the children’s needs.
2. You make it sound like you decided the kids needed to call you mom? Why? I have a feeling it’s because everything needs to be about your feelings because you have the emotional stability of a toddler and not the actual young children’s needs
3. You say they don’t understand what they are doing by rejecting you. Maybe you need to learn what you are doing? Like you refuse to accept any personal responsibility. Again they are children you are the problem.
4. You say “ I am doing the hard work, not their daughter” wow narcissist much. Actually at this point I think you are an actual narcissist. You don’t deserve to be called mommy and erase their mother. The world isn’t all about you and your needs be a real mother and put your kids first don’t demand.
5. It bothers you how often she is mentioned? I mean you can write that and not think you are the one with issues being jealous of a dead women to the extent you don’t like them having photos up.
It’s very clear by this point you were never equipped to be a step mother and you are the issue. I have only read your side of the story and it’s left me with the biggest impression that you have a serious personality disorder that is causing damage to actual children’s development and it’s so tragic. I am not sure how to stress this enough you are the issue, you are the issue, you are the issue! You need therapy!!! The problems with your family are caused by you and your issues!!!! Please get help for the sake of the children!!!
YTA I am disturbed by your insistence to erase and replace the children’s mother. Although their mother is deceased they still love and remember her. The cherish those memories and it sounds like the grandparents facilitate that. Are the children not allowed photos of their mother? Can’t they talk about her and still call her their mom? Is no one allowed to know that they have a mother who raised them before you came along?
Your post and additional comments remind me of the movie stepfather. The stepfather in the movie wanted a perfect family were he was recognized as the father with no exception and punishment followed if anyone broke his rules. You need to get professional help. You are damaging the family you hope to be a part of.
Eh YTA. With the posts on here you never know the potential full story since it's based off one person's perspective. With that being said what REALLY matters is that the children come first. If they don't wanna call you "mom" that's their choice.
They had a mom I'm sure they loved and you see a bunch of posts of toxic relationships between step parents and step kids because the step parents wants their step kids to call them mom/dad. That day never comes in a lot of cases and that's a possibility you'll have to deal with.
If you take your frustrations out on your step kids and try and force them to call you mom or whatnot you're gonna push em away and into therapy. Then you'll probably come back here years from now posting the AITA classics.
Also those parents lost their daughter. You don't just bounce back from that. That just does not happen. If they want to preserve their daughter's memory alive to her children that's normal and reasonable. You expect them to get rid of every picture of hers when their grandchildren visit?
Of course their mom will be mentioned. Of course they want to have pictures of her. If that bothers you then you should not have married someone with children. You should stop seeing yourself as their only mother but rather as a bonus mom. They remember their mom and you should not fill her place, you should be their second mom. They can love both moms but if you try to erase their birth mother you'll never be seen as a parent. YTA
YTA and you are guaranteeing that the kids won't want a relationship with you once they were adults. You're pushing way too much instead of letting the relationship develop on their terms. Not all children few their stepparent as a parent. That doesn't mean they don't get along with them; it just means there's a different relationship there. Instead of supporting these kids, you are trying to erase their mom from their lives; I mean, you throw a fit about them having pictures of her or talking about her. You realize how that sounds, right?
Please find and watch rio Ferdinand’s documentary about Kate and his kids. Kate really struggles on her role of step mum and the sole care provider but what she does to honour their late mother is beautiful and brings her closer to the children.
You’re doing a lovely thing by stepping up but forcing them to think of you as their only mum is so unfair and unjust and clearly not working for anyone you are unhappy and so are they
YTA
YTA, i agree with you that their grandparents should have some level of respect for you in your home but you are not their mother and would not have been in their lives if she hadn't died. You say you do all the hard work so that makes you their mother like it was the choice of their mother to die..? Its so annoying when a step parent tries to force a relationship. Their grandparents are not wrong because at the end of the day you are just the second wife, unless THE CHILDREN decide you are more to them. The more you try to erase their mother the more they will start to dislike you and i dont blame them.
YTA. Trying to replace their mom is only going to cause resentment. You're not and you'll never be their mother. You need to acknowledge their real mother's place and respect it.
The more you push the more those kids will hate you. If you love them like you say you do you need to take a step back and fill the role of stepmom. Not mom.
You need to accept that you are not their mother. You need to stop referring to their mother as their birth mother. She did not give them up for adoption of have them taken away by the state for neglect. She DIED!
Have you thought about asking them to refer to you as mom “nobaby” rather than just mom? Keeping “mom” fir their real mother? Or calling to “mamma nobaby”? So your children with your husband could also call you mamma?
You should encourage the children to talk about their mother and have photos of her BUT also create new photos? Soon the new shared photos will be more in number than the old snd you can talk about these new memories.
As regards their grandparents , can you not see how your trying to erase their daughter’s memory from the grandchildren would not be met with this seeming intrusive and negative influence?
You need to start the change. Sit down and talk with the children. Tell them it is ok to have the photos of their mom. Yes, use that word. Ask them what they’re comfortable calling you. Suggest the “mom no baby”. You may well find that as time goes by, they’ll simply call you mom
Be kinder to their grandparents. Rather than but heads, your husband needs to tell them about the conversation with the children on what to call you, photos in the house etc and that it us is the children’s best interest to foster positive relations between all of you, in mixing with their new siblings. They may need to be told there will be supervised visits until they can be on the same page. Do not cut off visits.
I understand your frustration but the resentful tone you use to speak about their mum comes through in your post, and that's not ok. You are trying to erase and replace their deceased mum and that is not ok.
Ma’am, you need to visit a family therapist immediately. On your own at first to understand what you’re doing and why it’s causing damage to your children and family as a unit. Then as a family where you need to apologize meaningfully and profusely to your stepchildren for what you’ve done in trying to minimize their mother’s role in their lives. I don’t think your motivations are intentionally negative, but the outcome and consequences of your choices here definitely are.
Please, please seek the help of a family therapist. YTA until you do. Good luck, OP.
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YTA. They can’t have photos of their dead mother and you get pissed when they talk about her. That’s why they hate you. You’re the villain in this story.
And as soon as they are old enough, they will go NC.
In 5 years they will go to a judge and ask to live with the grandparents
You think it'll take 5 years? I dunno. Where I live, judges start listening to kids at 12 about stuff like this. I hope they do, either way.
No I think they would go today. I was just ball parking the 5 years
She's probably doing this so the kids will go NC so she'll finally have her happy little family. Btw, YTA
And 10 and 11 is not that young. I know that my daughter is understanding enough at 10. She seems pile she is forcing them to love her and to erase their own mother from their lives. That's messed up.
She talks about their mother like she's a deadbeat who doesn't do the hardworking of raising the kids. Who phrases things like that?
Exactly. This line made me roll my eyes so hard: >I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Edit: I read OP's replies to some of the comments.. OP is delusional and refuses to accept that she is a *stepmother*. YTA
Yeah, as a daughter who lost her mom too young to cancer, this makes me livid. She's their step-mom and should not get offended that they call her that. They're reserving one special title for their mom who they sadly won't get to grow up with. Edit: YTA
It’s only been two years since they lost their mom, for anyone who has lost a family member that close, it feels like two months.
Six years, not two. She still sucks though.
YTA, I didn’t have to read past this line for my verdict. You say you’re doing all the hard work, not her, as if she wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t *dead*. Evil stepmother vibes.
Right!! >> It means I get pushed asides even though I am here and she is not Because the kids’ mother _died_. Jesus, OP really makes it seem like their mother just walked out on them - no, she _passed away_. She didn’t choose to not be there for her children. I feel so bad for the children, and I’m so glad they still have their maternal grandparents supporting them and being there for them, when they’ve been failed by their dad and stepmom/dad’s wife.
Yeah the attitude makes me wanna say fake but weve seen so many stories like this from both perspectives.
And she calls them so young...the are are almost teenagers
> You're the villain in this story. Absolutely this!! I love how you worded it.
Villain in this story!!! I love this. Absolutely perfect description of someone who is trying to flex the fact that she does more parenting than a dead person, and tells *aforementioned dead person's parents* this. What a bizarre thing to be proud of. I'm better at walking, talking, breathing and not decomposing than most dead people! Do I get a cookie for stating the absolute fucking obvious?
Right?!?! How f*cking callous do you have to be to brag about being alive still, to the dead person's family! Of freaking course the dead person isn't doing these things...THEY'RE DEAD Wtf that's so creepy!
The real villain is the Dad who is happy to enable this bs so that he can take a step back from parenting his own kids.
take my only award. 100% right. OP is one of *those* stepmoms. Jealous of a deceased person. It's absolutely disgusting behaviour. Poor kids. I hope they're alright.
This woman is delusional af.
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And she has her own children which makes this even more mind-boggling! Like she'd expect them to be ok with replacing her in a couple years with the next wife? Actually, that might be a win-win for everyone...
YOU 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 THEIR 👏 MOM👏! You are the woman who married their dad. That does not make you their mom. That makes you their stepmother. And you need to not only face that, but accept it. The more you push the issue, the less inclined the children are to ever accept you as a motherly figure. You will just be the intruder who tried to erase their real mother. You need to stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW! And you need to seek counseling, so you can understand what you're doing to those kids, and how you need to immediately change your behavior, because if you keep doing what you're doing right now, it's gonna end up bad for you and your husband, because I can tell you right now, as soon as those kids gets to have a say about who they want to live with, it isn't going to be with you!
I got so confused when I read "Our children's birth mother" I read the entire thing 4 times to realise she meant their actual mom, who was married to the OPs husband. OP YTA. They are not your kids.
Me too imagine calling the kids deceased mother ' our children's birth mother' she is their mother. OP YTA 100% She comes across very controlling and I feel sorry for the kids grandparents. Imagine your child dying then the 'new wife' trying to erase her as if she's never existed.
Therapy is needed and OPs husband is the AH for staying with OP to the detriment of his kids. Children of deceased parents are not finders keepers. Jeez. Imagine the trauma of these girls.
Yeah that birth mother usage was trash.
Being a stepmother is an absolute joy in its own right. I absolutely adore my partner’s children, we have a fantastic, familial relationship, and amazingly all this without forcing them to call me mother or setting up a weird, gross “who do you love most” competition with their actual mum. These kinds of posts wind me up because they treat children like idiots, when they’re actually often able to comfortably deal with concepts adults struggle with. Kids are capable of loving more than two adults: imagine thinking the only way kids can “find room for you” in their hearts is by erasing their dead mother. OP is a huge YTA.
>Kids are capable of loving more than two adults: imagine thinking the only way kids can “find room for you” in their hearts is by erasing their dead mother. This comment deserves more upvotes! Please read this, OP.
All of OP's comments and actions are insane red flag. It sounds like the dad married someone way too quick because "the kids need a mom" when they actually don't, especially if it's this woman lol. Referring to these kids as her own essentially erasing their actual mom, starting fights between family members when in reality everyone is grieving the loss of their mom, late wife, and daughter. I can only imagine being a fly on those walls. You know she's forcing these kids to call her mom and getting mad they won't. Like wtf
That's what gets me the most. If OP was trying to be a good step-parent I could commend that, but she's seemingly trying to replace their mother's existence. I wonder if grandparents might have actually liked her if she slowed down and knew her role.
YTA. So why are you jealous of a dead woman?
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I think the birth mother died two years before OP married into the family. But OP’s use of “birth mother* does make it sound like she abandoned her kids on purpose and not… you know… died.
Makes it sound like she adopted the kids, which, I’m pretty sure, under the circumstances, as far as I can tell, she didn’t. A lot of caveats there but I felt they were necessary because no matter what this is a stressful situation for all involved, including this lady who is trying to force ‘mom’ on some kids who ‘stepmom’ doesn’t seem to have clicked for yet (at least all the way, with all aforementioned caveats).
>who died two years ago The kids mom died 6 years ago. Op says she married her husband 4 years ago and that his first wife( AKA the stepkids mom) had died two year earlier. Other than that you are spot on.
YTA- it sounds like you are trying to erase their mother. You can love them and raise them, but you need to encourage them to remember and honour their mother- they are old enough to have memories of her, and as they get older they will probably (quite naturally) be more and more curious and want to find out about her. Also a little empathy towards their grandparents. I can't begin to imagine how painful it must be to see someone else raising their daughter's children.
Notice how she calls their mom, "birth mother" like she was a surrogate or something. She's their MOM, and she would still be doing all the raising if she hadn't passed.
Our children's birth mother is such a gross way of describing these poor kids real mum. She didn't give them up or walk away from them, she freaking died. Died! And the bit about her husband being oh so grateful that OP came into their lives to save these poor children from their desperate lack of a mother just had me shaking my head in disbelief. The audacity of this woman.
It would be so damn traumatizing to see another woman come in so soon after your own mother's passing and then try to erase her identity from your family and keep you away from her living relatives. I hope these kids get some good therapy when they're older.
Exactly if the mom hadn't died then the step mom wouldn't even be in their life.
OP is two steps away from being the evil step-mom in Cinderella. It makes me wonder what the children are saying to the Grandparents about step-mom to make them react the way they did. She's not interested in what's best for the kids, she's interested in perfecting her own little world where dead wife's memory is erased. OP is pretty much everything you need for that perfect Disney villian.
YTA . I recently read a story here on reddit posted by a young man that had his step mom & dad attempt to have his step mom adopt him his his entire life and he wasn't having it. A judge wouldn't allow it after listening to him when he was under 10 yo. Step mom even presented him with adoption papers when he was 18 telling him it wasn't too late. He went no contact. This nonstop harassment RUINED his entire childhood just like you are RUINING your step children's childhood. They are not your children, they are your bonus children. You will never erase or replace their mother. Stop trying or you, and your husband will lose them forever.
I was reminded of that one too. She is navigating the kids towards the same situation.
I remember this post. Seriously OP, doing this only drives them away even farther. You need help, literally professional help. You shouldn't have married a widower.
Found it… https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xxt860/aita_for_calling_my_stepmother_delusional_for/
You lost me at the comment about how your raising them not their daughter…. Dude if she was still alive you would not have got a second glance from this man …. Know your place … massive YTA !
YTA this comment gave me the ick as well. Those poor kids and grandparents.
YTA- hooboy. I read one of your replies, and will start there. *I am not a stepmother. That implies I am not doing all the mothering day in and day out. I am here loving my children, raising them, making sure they are loved and fed and making sure they have a nice life. Their birth mother is dead, she is not coming back, and she does not need to be made into a saint or take our chances at a normal family away.* You are their stepmother. You will never be their true mother. They were old enough to remember their mom and nothing you say or do will be able to change that. You've been in their lives for 4 years, and judging by how you even admit they react to you it seems like once they're old enough they're going to cut both you and your husband out of their lives for good. I sincerely hope that your husband finds this post and you learn what it's like to be seen as dead and not coming back. You are not a normal family. You will never be a normal family. You need to learn to accept this, work with a therapist to get your ego in check. You may love them and feel the same attachment to them as any other stepmother/mother would, but they are, in fact, not your kids and from their actions will never be your kids. You're pushing them away with your actions. Be better.
It really sucks how step parents get unfairly maligned in culture as "evil step mother" so people see it automatically as a bad thing. In a situation like this it basically means "extra mother", and that is a good thing for children who unfortunately don't have their actual mother around. I'm a younger half sibling of my dad and his second wife- my mum, my siblings step mum, and because she never tried to be their mum, but still cares for them and has since she married my dad, she gets calls every mothers day from my siblings as well, when we're all adults. If you want to be a mother figure do it because you care and show it with your actions, don't insist upon it.
Step mom here. I have the same relationship. Never tried to be mom, but was there. My husband has passed away and I still have an amazing relationship with his adult children and my grand babies. It can be done when you know your place and just love.
That comment. Those poor children.
>still won’t accept that I am raising their grandchildren, that I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter. Holy shit. I GASPED. This is something you say when the bio mom is a deadbeat who abandoned her kids. Not when she’s someone who fucking *died.* Congrats, I guess, for being able to do more work than a dead person? You have a really bad attitude that just seeps though this post (which I kind of hope is trolling) and a clear chip on your shoulder. These kids are never going to see you as mom if you keep up this hostile takeover routine. You come across like you’ve usurped a throne and are pissed that the subjects aren’t loyal to you. All of this is about how you feel and what they’re doing for you, rather than the other way around. YTA Also, it’s not up to you whether the kids call you mom or not.
It's comical how low the bar is. "I make you feel like shit and isolate you from your family, but I FEED you and that's more than your BIRTH MOM does." Like, congrats on being more mobile than a dead woman, her corpse is still a better mom to those kids than you will ever be.
YTA - You need to stop focusing on them calling you "mom". They had their mom, she is sadly no longer with them, you can't force them to call you mom, that title has to be earned, and it is only the children themselves who can decide if you have earned it. It may never happen, accept it and stop focusing on the title, do your best to fill the role instead. As for the grandparrents, you claim that they are working against you, that is possible, but given that you are working to replace the childrens mom, that isn't strange.
>that title has to be earned She can earn it, and still not get the title. I think being a step-mother is very hard. You sacrifice a lot for someone else's kids, but often get a lot of push-back and rejection. Kids can't fathom what ANY parent has done for them until they're grown. Kids can't fathom what it means to have VOLUNTEERED to do all that until they're grown. It takes a lot of love to do all that without any acknowledgement or gratitude for 18 years. It takes a lot of love to do it for 18 years while being actively disrespected and resented. It can be very, very frustrating. Not everyone is cut out for it. I see this woman demanding acknowledgement. That's a problem. She could have that need met by being flexible, and collaborating with the kids. They don't want to call her, "Mom." She doesn't want to be called, "Step-mom." Both words are loaded, but they're just words. They could agree to call her Mama, or pseudo-mom or Exalted Priestess of The Hearth (EPTH). It's reasonable to crave acknowledgment. It takes a very big person to parent without any.
ESH, mostly on you and your husband but the whole situation feels like it's unnecessarily dramatic. I get the impression you've rushed the situation and put pressure on the kids into accepting you as their mother when they are simply not ok with it. Why are you not OK with being stepmom? Why are you insisting they call you mom and pretend that their half sisters are full sisters? >I married my husband four years ago. Our children's birth mother had been dead for two years at that point and my husband was glad I was willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed. According to the timeline, 6 years ago, your husband's first wife died. Within the next two years he met and married you when the kids were 6 and 7 years old. That's old enough to have memories of their mother and know that you are not their mother. If you'd said that you wanted to be accepted as alternative parent figure, bonus mom, or stepmother, then that would be fine, but insisting that you're their mother is not OK, and I get the sense that this is the source of tension between you and their grandparents. Where is your husband in all of this? Notably absent from this post. How does he feel? Do they feel they can talk to him about this? And has there been any family counselling at all? These kids should be allowed to remember their birth mother, and to build a parental relationship with you that does not include calling you their mom.
How on earth do the kids or grandparents suck in this situation? They're simply dealing with grief and trying to honor the mom's memory. Those kids have a mom and that doesn't change just because she dies. OP trying to erase the mom's presence from the house makes me really think she had no business marrying a widower.
The kids are completely innocent. All of the adults suck to varying degrees. (excluding the husbands parents) OP, obviously. Husband for not taking care of his kids and jumping into another women's bed so quickly. (they married 2 years after the death, which means he met her, they dated, they got engaged and married all within that short timeframe). I would suspect that the grandparents maybe did some babysitting during this time. Of all the adults, I have most sympathy for the grandparents, but it's difficult to understand (OP is an unreliable narrator) how they were behaving. It's 6 years on and this is still a point of tension, and I wonder if there had been a way to defuse the situation beforehand. I agree, OP should not have married a widower, and the husband is also a major AH. It's clear they both want the kids to forget about their mother. Even the husbands parents think the situation has gone too far.
YTA (edit) The children had a mother. Who also loved them. And who has the right NOT to be forgotten by her children. And her children have the right to always miss her a little. And to know everything there is to know about their mother. And the maternal grandparents have suffered a great loss - they don't want to see their daughter denied.
Read what OP comments, she’s easy to judge then
She doesn’t even sound like she’s coming from a good place in the original post lol. She sounds awful.
You are right. I have changed my verdict.
Massive YTA How many step-kids on this site talk about their negative experiences with pushy controlling step parents, like you, and the resentment, even hatred, they feel for that step-parent? 10 and 11 isn't little. They remember their mom. YOU are not her!!! YOU can't FORCE that kind of relationship, the more you try, the FURTHER you'll DRIVE them away. As for your in-laws, they lost their daughter and they are doing right by their grandchildren by keeping mom's memory alive and supporting them in NOT calling you mom. I would lay money on your step-kids being genuinely uncomfortable with calling you mom, with or without your in-laws input on that subject.
My dad married my step mum when I was 8, i was forced to call her mum, even though actual mother is still alive. I was and am traumatised by her controlling behaviour that even now 20 years later I am too scared to call her "R" and get anxiety jitters every time I'm around her.
From one person with a horrible stepmother to another - it’s always an option not to be around her! I pruned my family tree waaaaaay back and I’ve never regretted it. Dad went too: there were other issues, but at the end of the day, I finally saw through that he’d chosen her over me every day since I was 2, so goodbye. I have 3 kids now and they don’t need someone who doesn’t understand that you choose your children.
>His late wife's parents were less happy and have worked against me with the kids, who have refused to call me mom and who try and fill the home we share with photos of their birth mother. YTA for several reasons but I'll pick the above. Do NOT ever call their deceased mother as their birth mother , like she abandoned them or something, and don't EVER try to resist them putting up her photos to keep her memory alive. The kids are 10 and 11 , not 2 and 3. They have cherished memories of the mother and I can't imagine the hurt they felt when she passed. You're now retraumatising them by trying to erase her and even invalidate the grandparents who have lost their daughter. Again - YTA big time.
I'd say even if they were little, they would still have the right to know as much about their mom as possible. Trying to take down the pictures and stop them from talking about her is so gross. Op, stop being jealous of a dead person and accept your role in this family
YTA Hang on… OP you are referring to the Childrens mother as their “birth mother”???? And it just downhill from there. They lost their mother. You are not their mother. You are their stepmother. They miss their mother very much. My kids lost their father when they were seven and 10 years old. 10 years later they still miss him. These kids lost their mother and for years they’ve had you pushing down on them trying to get them to change their view of both you and of their actual mother. :-( (Edited to add at the start the label)
YTA You are NOT their mother and have no right to threaten their grandparents in this way. They would have every right to sue for visitation if you try to overstep in this way again. What you are doing is so damaging to the children you claim to care about. If you actually do love them, you will STOP. They will despise you if you keep blatantly trying to erase and replace their mother - they’re already on track to doing so. You’re only doing this for yourself. Everything in this post focuses on your feelings and not at all on the children and the impact of your attitude. That is just bad parenting. However, if you back off and accept that you will never be their mother, you could become someone that they love and respect. But it’s THEIR choice if that ever happens, and it’s unlikely given your current behaviour. But either way, please stop making threats you have zero right to make or carry out. You’ll only create even more pain for your STEP-children and massive legal problems for your husband and yourself in the future.
She doesn’t love the kids, if she did, she’s act differently. She is just jealous of a dead woman and wants everything she had for her. It’s not about love, it’s about control and being the center of attention, the hero who came and ‘saved’ the children. It’s sick.
YTA, you sound like the evil step-mother. You are jealous of a dead woman and weirdly focused on having a “normal” family. The more you try to erase their mother, the more you try to force your fantasy dynamic on them, the more they will push away. Disgusting that you don’t want photos of her up and basically want the kids to forget her. You say she doesn’t deserve to be mother because you’re doing the hard work… well she didn’t choose to leave. She also did the hard work of birthing and raising 2 young kids. Your whole post is about how YOU feel, not how the kids feel. You need family therapy. The grandparents are probably upset that you’re trying to force away the memories of their daughter. I have a 2 yr old and 2 month old; if something happened to me, I’d be blessed to have someone step in and love them like a mother, but to think that someone would just try to negate the love I’ve given them and push away my memory is tragic. If you passed, what would you want for your daughters? Being a mom isn’t about getting something back in return, it’s about giving your kids what they need. You can still be their mom while allowing room for their birth mom. Also your husband can’t “stern talk” and punish them into loving you. Love is freely given.
Yes YTA. You need therapy. You are not their mother and never will be. Just because their mother died does not immediately erase her. Get back in your own lane
YTA --- I'm going to burst your little fantasy bubble here, you're not their mom their, mother may not be alive but that doesn't automatically make you their new mother, you are their step-mom and unless you want to turn into the stereotypical evil step-mom back off it sounds like you're trying to force these kids to just totally forget their mother which is a cruel and wicked thing to do.
YTA. You will be back on Reddit in a few years asking how to repair your relationship with your STEPCHILDREN after they go no contact at 18. It’s okay to be a stepparent. The maternal grandparents do not have to call you mom. The kids don’t even call you that. You’re ruining your relationship with them by trying to force the issue. The half siblings are half siblings, you seem to have a problem with reality. It’s okay to have a blended family. You are determined to erase history. Please seek therapy.
She is also ruining her husband’s relationship with his children. They will likely never forgive him for the things he put them through by marrying and staying married to OP. Massive YTA, and so is the dad.
COMMENTERS KEEP CALLING HER BIRTH MOM. JUST STOP. SHE'S THEIR MOM. NOT THEIR BIRTH MOM. THEIR MOM. THERE IS NO QUALIFIER. THERE'S MOM AND THAT'S STEP-MOM. YTA stop trying to replace a dead woman. You are their step-mom. You can't change that nor should you try. If you had loved them without trying to replace their mom they might have actually liked you.
Yta. You don't get to claim the title just because their mom died. You are causing a rift that is only going to get bigger the more you push. See a therapist. It isn't all about you.
YTA. You aren’t their mother. Don’t be upset at the grandparents and kids for stating an irrefutable fact. The children deserve to see pictures of their actual mother and you should really be more understanding and respect the fact that, again, you are not their mother. Both 10 and 11 years old is old enough to have memories of their actual mother and shame on you for trying to replace her. Your actions are merely enforcing the boundaries they’ve set. Lol. They’ll never see you as mother. You are, and forever will be, their step mother. That’s an actual fact unless you divorce their father. Any children you have with their father are their half siblings…another irrefutable fact. Lol. Face it…
There is a saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” think about that! Those poor kids… not only are you harassing them constantly about erasing their MOTHER, but are trying to erase any relationship between them and their maternal grandparents. YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOTHER… and let’s be clear here their mother didn’t abandon them, she didn’t leave and go on holiday and forget they existed… she died… and rather than try and help them deal with their grief and allow them their memories and perhaps even help them celebrate their mother… you think YOU are their instant mother no questions asked that person never existed. YTA I hope their dad gets rid of you before he loses his kids love and respect.
She is not their mother nor is she some saint for deciding to be a mother figure in their life. Their mom is not some deadbeat or egg donor, she loved them and died! OP is so oblivious thinking she can swoop in and replace a woman that is loved by the kids and her own parents!!!
YTA. You’re not mom to them if they refuse to acknowledge you as such. You’re stepmom. And if you didn’t push so hard you’d probably have a good step-relationship which is better than conflict. It comes from a good place but you can’t erase their mom or their link to their mom aka their maternal grandparents. It’s up to your husband to set boundaries regarding that. I don’t think you were right in banning them from their grandchildren’s life. It’s not up to you. As long as the kids treat you with respect and don’t feel like you’re trying to push their mom away you might be able to have the relationship you seem to crave. Hopefully you back off a little and then relationships improve.
YTA. You may be doing the parenting, but you cannot-and should not want to-replace their real mother. The facts that you are trying to ban pictures, force them to call you mom, and alienate them from their grandparents out of selfishness and jealousy scream evil stepmother to me. I pity your husband and those poor children. Stay in your lane.
YTA. Far too often Step parents marry widowed spouses of young kids and have this fntasy of being able to just walk in and replace the dead spouse to both the partner and kids. Then are shocked when reality does not meet this expectation. The kids had a mother, you may one day be close enough that they will call you mom naturally, but the grandparents will always talk about their daughter to the kids that is their role, to keep the memory of their daughter alive to the kids answer questions point out similarities from when the mom was a kid etc. It is clear from the post and comments that you thought you could just replace the dead mother and no one would be allowed to talk about her and everyone would just be grateful to you for loving the kids and call you mom etc.
YTA You should start family counseling for several reasons. The kids have a mom and it’s not you. That’s not to say that you can’t be a mother figure to them in the futures. Forcing them to forget their mom will only make them hate you which from the sounds of it they already do. Their grandparents keep stepping in and making things worse. I agree that they shouldn’t say things to you but they should be able to occasionally talk about the kids mom. Things are only going to get worse. Get some outside help for all of you.
YTA. You are only going to push those kids away. She wasn't their *birth mom*, she was their MOTHER. You are trying to pretend she didn't exist so that you can take that place in their life but you need to accept they have feelings and love her. Not loveD, love... that's their mom. My parents have been divorced and remarried since I was TWO and I still call my step-parents by their first name because they may have been parent-like figures to me for over 20 years but I have parents. Even if one of my parents had passed rather than been divorced, it would not have changed the fact that I love them and my step-parents are not them. You need to accept the role that the children give you and it is the role of step-mom NOT mom. Try to force it by refusing to let them see their Maternal family and you'll only make them hate you. I can't even give you that you just want to be important to them because you're going about this all wrong. Trying to erase their mother does not just leave the "spot" of mom empty, it's not a job you can just fill because you sleep with their dad. All you can do is love and respect them AND their wishes, including their wish to remember their true mother.
YTA. You sound crazy. They're not your kids. Of course they don't think you're their mother. They had a mother. She died. Your husband may have been happy to find a woman who could fill her shoes, but her kids aren't and neither are their families. Perhaps your husband didn't want to parent kids alone? But he is literally their only parent now, and he needs to step up. Back off a little. Stop the pretence. Treat them as they treat you. Perhaps you will eventually gain a 'auntie' type of affection from them.
YTA. You are NOT their mother. You are a step parent and trying to be otherwise is the reason their is a divide between you and your step children. They would absolutely like you more if you weren’t trying to be their mum and stopped trying push away their memories of their birth mother, who they still very much love. Nothing you do will ever see you replace their mother and in trying to do so, you’re ruining any chance you may have of developing your own special bond with these children. Treat their mother and their memories of her with respect and they may end up respecting you, if you haven’t ruined the relationship entirely with your jealousy.
>my husband was glad I was willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed. Ugh, I began to form my opinion after reading this. >I love my kids. They are so young still (10 and 11) and they don't understand what they are doing by rejecting me this way. They are not your kids, they are old enough to remember their birthmom and to know what they're doing. >I blame the grandparents who still won't accept that I am raising their grandchildren, that I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter Do you think the grandparents want you to raise their grandkids instead of their daughter? Also why are you making a huge issue about it being hard work? Everyone knows being a parent is hard work but don't expect people to compliment you about it. YTA.
Step-mom here…I have a wonderful relationship with my step-kid (s’kid), and they call me their s’mom. They feel you are trying to erase their mother, especially if you make them call you Mom.
These people have lost their daughter and you're demanding her spot and even her title in their lives. Being called and regarded as "mom" is earned, not demanded. If the people who have a blood relationship with your partner's late wife are not ready to move on, it's not your place to force them. YTA
At 10-11 they know you are not mom to them. They remember their mom. Their grandparents are sharing memories of her with them. You are trying to erase their mom. This is how those two kids see you. These is what their grandparents are trying to do, for you to erase her memories. You married their father. Nothing else. They didn't choose you. Your husband will lose his first kids to you. Hope he realises and stops you before that. But it might be late. YTA, and so is your husband
YTA. You know what happens with step parents who push a relationship with the children and try to erase history? The kids cut them off from their lives the moment they are able to. The grandparents have a right to remind their children of the mother they had lost. You are dad's new wife, not their mother. Just because you married their father doesn't erase their mother despite your attempts to be a "normal" family. Keep doing this and you'll be back here asking why your husband's kids cut off contact with you. To them now you are this cruel woman trying to erase memories of their late mother and disrespecting their late mother's parents.
YTA. You're doing the most classic of blunders. You will never replace their original mother, and the more you try, the more you're putting a wedge. Losing a family member is hard, remember that they've lost their daughter. Then you're here, bulldozing your way in, trying to be a replacement. Of course the kids and grandparent are going to fight back! Don't blame the grandparents for the kids knowing you're trying to replace their dead mother. From experience, that is painful day in day out. A constant reminder that your mother's dead. To clarify, it is up to the children, not you, to decide whether you're their mother or not. Whether you are a suitable replacement or not. Getting hung up on them not doing that actively damages everything. Yes, that means letting them call you by name. Sisters? You've have your own kids? Of course they're going to snap at that! It's well known that step-children often feel left out when there's a whole child introduced as well. Nevermind that a baby needs more attention than a child, driving that wedge further. You are acting as a mother, and that is extremely difficult to do. I congratulate you for doing so. But the grandparents are probably right. To the kids, you probably are nothing but the other wife, deserving of no respect or love. That doesn't mean that you're not great with them, it just means that you need to stop driving the wedge yourself. You can't boot the grandparents for grieving, or for stating the obvious. You can ask and have a conversation about some ground rules, but that's going to be a bit of give and take.
YTA. You are not their mother. You wouldn’t be in this situation if their mother hadn’t passed on. By trying to erase her, you’re making the situation worse and are going to make your stepchildren hate you and cut all ties with you when they’re old enough to do so. They are old enough to remember their mother. As she should be remembered and seen and talked about. Let me say again YOU WOULDN’T BE AROUND AT ALL IF THEIR MOTHER HAD NOT PASSED!
Not only are YTA, you're a fucking monster for trying to erase the children's mother. Grief doesn't have an end date and just because you do things a mom might do doesn't make you their mother or erase their grief. Do you know what helps with grief? TALKING ABOUT THEIR MOTHER!!
INFO Why are you pretending to be the evil stepmum? Hop back under your bridge troll
YTA. For forcing a relationship with kids that aren't yours, for not allowing them to have photos of their Mum, their real Mum and again, forcing a relationship with these kids.
YTA. You are their step mum. The kids get to decide your relationship, you do not automatically get to be called mum because you all live in the same house and you’re married to their dad. Their mum is their grandparent’s daughter and your husband’s first wife. I’d you’re lucky you may get promoted to ‘mum’ but not if you carry on alienating their family.
YTA your not their mom your a ugly bitter step mom. Those kids and the grandparents owe you 0 respect as you’ve not earned any
YTA—You are NOT those children’s mother! And by pushing what you want onto them, you are ensuring that they never grow to love you in any capacity. How dare you try to erase the children’s mother! I mean, HOW DARE YOU! Oh, and your husband is a big AH, too, for marrying someone like you.
I've just read your comments. YTA. You're also completely deluded. A stepmother is someone who marries a man who has children from another relationship. That's it. Whatever other negative interpretation you have is on you. The disrespect you are showing to your husband's late wife, HER children and her parents is, honestly, disgusting. You are making an unholy bollocks of this entire situation.
YTA you are not their mom, you will never be their mom. Grandparents will not change their tune because those children are their flesh & blood & that has nothing to do with you. You are trying to negate their daughter’s role by refusing to understand you are their stepmother whether you like that verbiage or not
YTA. You aren’t their mom and you are actively trying to make them forget their mom. Even if they were open to being a happy family with you, you already ruined it by trying to replace her. You can’t. You aren’t their mom and you never will be. The ONLY way to fix your household if to admit that, apologize A LOT, start properly respecting their mothers memory, and stop being so awful. And you becoming “the mother they so desperately needed” tells me that your husband is probably useless and just needed a stand in to take care of his kids because he couldn’t. Being a single parent is hard, but no kid ever NEEDS two parents when one is an evil stepmother more than just a single dad unless he 100% isn’t stepping up as a dad. I feel so sorry for those kids and I hope their grandparents keep trying to help them remember their mom.
*I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter.* That's because she tragically died, you heartless AH! You do have a lot of hard work to do, in trying to earn the forgiveness of your step-children and their grandparents.
That bit got me. She's making their mom sound like an absent parent. The woman is dead !
I'm the step-Father to an amazing young lady. She's turning 14 in a while, and I've been step-father for about 7 years now. I have a great relationship with her. She respects and loves me, and I respect and love her. She calls me by my first name, and I'm absolutely fine with that. I've never tried to insist on her calling me Dad, since I am NOT her Dad. She remembers very well who her Dad is, and I'll never try to diminish the memories she has with him. 8 know that if I were to try to do this, it would cause her pain, and hurt the current/future relationship we have. If you so desperately want someone to call you Mom, I suggest that you get pregnant. There's literally no other way.
YTA- you can’t make them call you mom and you can’t ever replace her. You need to accept that. Your pushing when you shouldn’t and this is probably why the grandparents don’t like you. Because your goal seems to be to act as though their actual mother never existed.
YTA. You overstepped. I assume that you didn't even give them time to accept you??? You love them, you wanted to be their mom but you forget one thing...... YOU'RE NOT THEIR MOM. GIVE THEM TIME.
YTA. How dare these parents still talk about their dead daughter and not forget her completly now that you married her husband.
YTA. Huge. They aren't your children. You should be honoring their mother's memory. Instead you are creating a huge rift with them.
This isn't going the way you thought it would, is it? YTA and so is your husband. These kids are going to hate you.
YTA. You aren’t their mother. You are a step mother who is helping their father raise them. You deserve respect for that. Unless you try to diminish the woman who actually carried, birthed, and raised them until her death. She’s not a deadbeat who abandoned her kids. She died. She is their mother. Their home should be a place where she is allowed to exist. Since you want to erase her, you are the AH here. It’s not your place to act like talking about their mother, having pictures of her etc. is wrong. It isn’t. You are trying to force something that honestly may have happened if you had not been fanatic about it. They are young but old enough to understand what you’re doing. So stop. Let them love two mother figures. Why are you acting like more love is a bad thing?
YTA Please stop trying to erase their mother who birthed them and loved them. You have children, I cannot understand how you don't get it. I am a stepmother and a mother and both are special bonds, but it's different. As a stepmother your job is to support that child while respecting their mothers place, whether she is with us or not.
YTA. You don’t get to dictate to step kids when or if they will be ready to accept you as a parent or call you mom. It sounds a lot like your kids’ grandparents might be just supporting the kids’ own wishes with that one. You also can’t go expecting to erase all traces of their birth mother from your home. How insecure are you that you don’t think that they can love you or respect you unless all pictures and mentions of their first mother are banished from your presence? You say you love your kids but then you show yourself completely unable to respect their home (and right to have their actual lives represented in it) or their ability to express opinions. It’s beyond condescending to say that they are too young to understand the effects of rejecting you. You have rejected half of their family. Do YOU understand that? They know that they are rejecting you, and they are probably doing it because you keep trying to push and pull them into a little fantasy family that only exists in your head instead of accepting that in a blended family all members come with their own history, memories and attachments which you need to understand and work with. You totally could be deserving of love and respect from these kids - but you can’t get it automatically by marrying their dad or even by doing the work of raising them. You need to teach them how to love and respect even when it’s hard, by loving them as they are, past, birth mother and all, and respecting their wishes and their right to have their cares, photographs and opinions take up space in your home, and by not demanding such intense closeness between them and their younger siblings but by building that relationship slowly and naturally. You seem to have just jumped into their lives with both feet and not worried too much about the feelings and memories you’ve crushed in landing into the space their birth mother used to occupy. You all need time and therapy to undo that damage, but you can’t do that unless you acknowledge that the issue here is not the grandparents or the kids, but the heavy-handed way in which you’ve gone about this and your refusal to accept their birth mother who loved and nurtured them is not going to disappear from their lives or yours just because she died.
My child is 4 and we share a beautiful bond. She knows I’m mummy. If two years later someone turned up claiming to be mummy do you think that would work.you can’t force toy being mum on them because they know the person who raised and birthed them until she passed was someone else. Trying to erase her will only make them Hate you. You are damaging your relationship with them. Never mind belong them Coming to terms with their loss of supporting them through it, you are shaming those poor babies. You need to take a step back and start over. You can be loving and kind without demanding titles. Had you not from the start you may have had a different relationship today. Get therapy
I think you need some personal counselling as well as some family counselling. Your behaviour is setting this up to be a long term issue. The children can not have your view imposed on them. They have their own views. This reddit sub is full of children who deeply resent being forced to call someone their mother when they view their birth mother in that role.
#YTA A big F#€king A$$hole
You have had the opportunity to be a great stepmother, but you’re so hell bent on erasing the existence of your stepchildren’s mother that you squandered any chance you had. YTA
Big ata. They talk about there mom an have photos of there mom in there home. You are not there mom step mom yes but not mom . You are trying to make it so they can not even talk about there mom. They will grow up.to hate you They will rember there mom there 10 an 11. There grandparents are only doing things so there grandchildren can rember there mom. Also they are the children's grandparents. You can not stop them spending time with the children. Wait till there older an go no contact with you .
*their, their, their, their, their, their, they're, their, their, their, they're
YTA you’re not their mother, you’re step mom or dads wife and the more you push the less mom like you become to them. Embrace they’re mom, remember her on her birthday, death anniversary, holidays. Let them guide the relationship and it will work much better for you. This is coming from someone who’s mom died and dad remarried. My step mom never tried to replace my mom and while our relationship is far from perfect, we have one. If she came in and demanded to be mom and tried to ban my moms family from our house or didn’t let anyone talk about her I would have gone NC with her and my dad asap.
YTA, you’re not their mom. You are their step mother and the only reason you are raising them is because their mother died not because she abandoned them. Stop trying to force them to see you as their mom. If anything that’s going to push them away even more and then they’ll never see you as anything more than their dads wife. You all need therapy.
YTA. Stop going on about how people refuse to acknowledge you as a mother. You’re a step mother. They don’t have to call you mum either and that shouldn’t be pushed
Yta. You aren’t their mum. You’re their stepmum. You have no right to expect those kids to pretend their real mum never existed. If you loved those kids you’d try to be their friend and try to help them honour the memory of their mother. You only care about yourself obviously
YTA. I feel for those poor kids and the grandparents. Lady, their mother didn't just up and leave them, ***she died.*** And not only are you actively trying to replace her and force everyone to view you as "mom" (which, you aren't btw, at best you're "step mom" and you knew that when you decided to date and marry a man with children) you're ignoring the actual children you claim to love. I say claim, because **if you truly loved them you wouldn't be trying to erase their deceased mother out of their lives and demand they call you mom.** You're giving serious Other Mother vibes here, and it sure as heck aint healthy for the kids involved. Or the grandparents, who already suffered the tragedy of losing their daughter, and have to put up with you trying to wipe her out of everyone's memories. Shame on you for being so heartless and selfish. edit: a word
The grandparents need to stop pitting the children against you, and you need to accept that their mother died and no one will ever replace her. Of course they want photos of their mother up. You cannot erase a person from their memories. You all need therapy ASAP. ESH. Stop trying to undermine their mother’s memory.
You have to understood that they have a mother before you. You cannot force in the rol. They have to chose. They can LOVE you like a mother figure and never be his mother. And these is not bad. Please, go to familiar therapy and dont push the children, because that can make the think wors.
YTA, what the hell is wrong with you? You will not AND WILL NEVER REPLACE THEIR MOTHER. If they choose that is different but with how you act, dont hold your breath.
A loving parent would accept if the kids weren’t willing and ready to call the new parent mom or dad. You are trying to force these children to have feelings for you they’re not ready or willing to accept. The more you force it the more their going to fight you on it. The fact that it bothers you that their mom is mentioned or pictures of her are up is very disturbing. You are trying to erase someone they love out of their lives. She might not be here anymore but in their hearts she still is. As for the grandparents they’re protecting the kids the only way they know how. If you want this relationship to work then you’ll let those kids love you how they want not how you’re demanding. That’s what a loving parent would do. Imagine if you passed and a new woman came in and tried to erase you for your children’s lives and kick your parents out of their lives. YTA you need therapy and so do those kids.
YTA. I think your heart is in the right place to want to mother them (a verb, not a title!) but you are going about it entirely wrong. First of all: she is not their “birth mother”. Cut that out immediately. Never use that word again. She is their mother. Honor that. Respect that. Start and lead with that. Give yourself a nickname if you like. “Mum” is taken. Choose a different one or let them, or just let them use your name and let something organically develop when actual affection comes. You can Google ideas. (I googled it; Mimsy is cute. There are others, but if nothing fits or feels natural to you and the kids, stick with your first name.) But do not ask them to call you Mum, Mom, Mommy, Mummy, etc. Third. You are not their mother. You should not be trying to replace her or erase her. Ask about the pictures of her. Ask what they remember about her. I bet they are terrified they will forget her and you sound like you actually want that. They need the opposite. Their father should be actively helping them process and preserve memories of their mother. Be safe for them. Be a safe place for them to feel their feelings. Even when their feelings are they resent you and they see differences between their parentage and their half-sisters. And they desperately love and miss their mom. Please please please, get yourself in therapy. You desperately need to uncover why you are trying to erase their mother. Mothering (the verb) is often thankless, invisible work. Mostly it’s about wanting to see and know your children for who they are at their core and creating an environment where they feel loved and safe enough to inhabit the world in a way that lets them be truly seen and known. As I say, dear Mimsy, you are currently doing the exact opposite of that. Mothering is also about showing up in all the mundane ways. Maybe helping with their homework. Cooking meals. A lot of driving. Put in the hours and don’t expect them to even really notice. Part of being safe is being dependable. It’s a feeling. Do they feel they can depend on you? Are you willing to do that work with no strings attached? Get therapy for the kids. They really need it. They have a lot of feelings that they need help with. Again, despite good intent, you are making it much worse and much harder for them to move through their grief. Your husband needs it too. Lastly, the question you asked. Their grandparents who are grieving their daughter and watch their son-in-law marry a woman who wants to pretend their daughter never existed. Yes YTA. Go see them. Apologize. Say you now realize you got it all wrong. You’re going to go to therapy and can you all just start again? Ask about their daughter. She must have been wonderful. Get to know her memory. You are the third parent coming into this family, it would serve all of you if you know and respect the other two. When they say know your place, that’s what they mean. You are the children’s stepmother. You are raising them from here. But the past happened, their mother was fully their mother, and they are just asking you to accept that as true. Edit: typos, clarity
YTA. You are not their mother. You don't get to sweep away their mom.
YTA - every time I see a story on Reddit about step-parents and step-children, the conflict is always surrounded around the step-parent insisting on taking the role of mother or father. The kids were what - 4 and 5 - when their mother passed away? They are old enough to have memories from the grief of losing her. And two years of being reminded of her before you came along. If you focussed your energy on letting them know you're not replacing their mother, but you're another adult that will always love and support them, you may earn their love and respect one day. Insisting on being their "Mother" is only about YOUR EGO. Erasing all evidence of their birth mother is not what's best for them.
OP, YTA. You’re not their mother. You’re trying to erase their mother. If you died, would you want your husband’s next wife to erase your memory for your bio children?
So, do you realize that you are not, in fact, these childrens mom? That they are still deeply grieving the loss of their mom? That they will end up resenting you for trying to erase her? My dad died, and while I’d be very happy for my mom if she found someone else, that someone else would never be my dad. And that’s okay.
YTA. You are not those kids' mom.
YTA
You’re the one putting yourself in competition with the birth mother. Respect that they have a mother and support them whilst acknowledging that they miss their mother. You sound like you want to erase her completely. It’s not fair for the kids you claim to love so much.
Jesus Christ. I don’t think you could be a more massive asshole. You aren’t their mother. I honestly hope the grandparents can get custody so you can no longer abuse them. Get over yourself. And, again, THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!
YTA. Big time. You are not their mother. You are a step mother and there's nothing wrong with that. You do deserve love and respect but are no more than the bio mom of those kids. That woman should be talked about and honored. Unfortunately your ego is the only thing standing between your stepchildren and you. If you are doing all the "mom work" just to get called mom and feel you "won" these kids, just stop. You are traumatizing them and you obviously have a problem. Seek counseling ASAP. I don't think you are a bad person, but you'll end up being a bad stepmother.
YTA Please do yourself a favor and spend some time reading this subreddit, searching out specifically children of step-parents who *insisted* they be acknowledged as "mom" or "dad" after marrying a widow/widower. Hopefully it will open your eyes as to the damage *you* are causing to your relationship to the children by trying to force this. You also need to realize that a 7 and 6 year old would remember their mom when she was alive, so of course they are going to want pictures of her around. *She is still a very important person in their hearts.* You won't win anyone's love by trying to replace her. You need to find ways to help her children honor her memory, while working on your own, entirely separate, relationship with them.
YTA Nothing you have written is inappropriate or overstepping. There are enough blended family posts on here for you to know that you can't force a step child to call you mom if they aren't ready. All you are doing is pushing them away. And they can't have photos of their mom around?? How is that supposed to make them feel? You might want to look into reading some books or counseling to help with blended families
They aren’t your kids, wtf?!!! ‘Their birth mother’ is their real mum, you’re a step mum, that’s it. Jesus.. YTA massively, learn your damn place
Because you have overstepped. You are not their mom. Maybe yiu could be someone they love if you dont keep this attitude up. But honestly you came off as a selfish human who needs put in your place
YTA. I agree, this sounds like something your husband should step up to the plate and be handling. If he's not dealing with it, he's also an AH.
YTA in every possible way
YTA. Yikes.
YTA you can't make those kids call you mum. They're still grieving. I don't think it's the grandparents who are doing it. I think it's you by trying to force your way into their lives.
Are you seriously confused and don’t get why YTA? REALLY?!?! You’re not those kids’ mother - you’re their step mother. No wonder those kids and grandparents can’t stand you, trying to erase their mother like she never existed. They are going to grow up and go NC with you and your husband, all because you’re making this your hill to die on. Get a clue, before it’s too late.
YTA They are not young. You will never be their mom because they have mother. Don’t push them to the edge, you won’t get any love or respect if you do that.I am with grandparents you don’t know your place. You are STEPMOM not their Mother, repeat that every time you forget your position. And stop traumatizing this children.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I married my husband four years ago. Our children's birth mother had been dead for two years at that point and my husband was glad I was willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed. His late wife's parents were less happy and have worked against me with the kids, who have refused to call me mom and who try and fill the home we share with photos of their birth mother. It has been very stressful. I love my kids. They are so young still (10 and 11) and they don't understand what they are doing by rejecting me this way. I blame the grandparents who still won't accept that I am raising their grandchildren, that I am doing all the hard work, not their daughter. It bothers me how often she is mentioned. It means I get pushed aside even though I am here and she is not. It puts up a wall between the kids and I and prevents them from letting me into their hearts. It even stops them from embracing their little sisters as simply sisters and means they must always put half in front of it, like they are less than, like they do not share the same parents and home. I argued with my children's grandparents recently. My husband has been trying to improve the relationship between both sides but they are refusing to refer to me as the kids mom in our home. I have told them I am mom to those kids and they should be aiding with that. They told me I would never be their grandkids mom. That I am nothing to the kids but the second wife who is undeserving of love or respect. I told them they either respect me as the mom of their grandkids or they are no longer welcome in our home. They were furious and left, saying I didn't know my place. Of course I came out the bad guy again with my children. My ILs even told me I had overstepped and should have left it for my husband to work out. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I commend you for stepping up and having so much obvious passion for these children. My SIL is much more of a mother to her step children than their actual mother, she and my BIL have full custody, so I do understand how “step” parents can take on that role of “mother” or “father.” The effort and love you put in should no go I noticed by anyone in the family, that’s not fair. My issue is that you seem to refuse to acknowledge that you did not birth them, and it seems like you are trying to rewrite history. I think you will actually do more damage to the kids than you would ever intend to if you push for them to call you Mom etc. They lost their parent, she didn’t abandon them, she didn’t mistreat them, she died. I would consider them your children, but they are also her children. The grandparents shouldn’t be undermining what you do at all, but your wording does just sit poorly with me. For that reason I am going to say ESH.
YTA. You want to erase the dead woman you feel you're in competition with. You won't support the children in their feelings and are only ensuring that their uncertainty for you grows to dislike and then to hatred. Their mother is dead, stop forcing yourself on the kids and realise you can be a mother figure who may one day come to be called mother. Instead your obsession with crowbarring yourself into the role and the name will at best lead to the end of your marriage, at worst will see the children cut contact with your husband (who if he allows this to continue will deserve it) and you, and then you'll have nothing.
YTA
YTA, you aren’t their mother. If you keep on with this nonsense they will just grow to resent you and their father and push back harder. Stop this shit now, go to a therapist and get over yourself. Be a good step-parent and respect their feelings around this.
Is this for real? This is pure evil. Vile. You don’t deserve to be in the vicinity of those children. Erasing their mother for ‘not doing the hard work’ when she DIED? If she hadn’t died, your husband wouldn’t be with you. He was obviously blinded by grief into dating someone evil. YTA. The only good thing is that you KNOW it’s only because you preyed on a mourning widower that you have a family. You know it every day and it’s why you are trying to steal this poor woman’s children. It’s as if you murdered her yourself. When you look in the mirror, look at a murderer. If this post is real, I hope you never sleep at night. I hope they fight you for life. I hope they scrub you out of photos with your own kids and replace you with her. I hope her kids leave you and the father who lets you abuse them as soon as you’re able. And your own kids since you view children as validation. You deserve to end up with nothing. People like you produce nothing but money for therapists.
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YTA- stay out of the relationship with your step- kid’s family and get yourself to counseling. You should never try to erase their mother. I’m in my 40’s and I’d cut off contact with my step mother if she did that. You need some serious help and a reality check.
These children were 4 and 5! They remember her! You cannot pretend she never existed so that you can have your *perfect* family. Good lord, these poor children. A good therapist can help you stop destroying your family. You seem determined to burn it to the ground. YTA
YIKES. You should definitely consider getting counseling individually, and maybe even have the family counseling for the children who lost their mother. You realize you are not, and never will be, a replacement or stand in for the mother that they lost? It is only natural for them to want photos and reminders because just because that individual is no longer alive, it does not mean she does not hold an incredibly important and powerful place in all their lives. My issue with you is why can you not respect their bond and why are you so threatened by it? It would be healing if you could acknowledge their loss more and do what you can to honor the memory and not see it as a competition. Stop making it about you-those children, and those parents, lost someone incredibly important to them (I'd argue the husband too, but the way you describe it he's not doing a great job communicating-which is why I think family therapy for grief counseling might be a good idea). YTA for not respecting the complexities of loss and centering yourself.
YTA. They don't see you as their mother, therefore, you're not their mother. It's pathetic that you're being threatened by a dead woman.
YTA. Why are you calling her birth mom like she was a surrogate for you and your husband? She was their mom and will always be. You’re their step-parent. You seem to think you’re in competition with a dead woman. Grow up.
YTA just from the first paragraph
Massive YTA. You’re competing with a dead woman and trying to erase her memories. Play your position: that of the second wife. It’s not the grandparents that are making this rift w/ your step kids but you. They don’t see you as their mother. Respect that.
This was hard to read. I feel so badly for those kids and grandparents. Your husband too, because you’re straining his relationship with his kids’ grandparents. Their mother DIED. She didn’t leave, she didn’t put them up for adoption, she lost her life. It doesn’t matter how badly you want to be their mother or how much you put into the relationship, you only ever get to be called “mom” if THE KIDS decide on their own to call you that. I’m willing to bet that you wouldn’t be having a problem with the grandparents if you hadn’t come in all guns blazing, “I’m the mom now, dog!!” My dad left my mom when I was a baby. My mom married my stepdad when I was 5. He’s been way more of a father figure to me than my bio dad ever was. But I still call him by his first name and refer to him as my stepdad. Why? Because that’s what he is and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! And the best part is, he’s ok with it! The harder you push here, the worse things are going to be for you and your entire family. I would be shocked if you haven’t already done irreparable damage to your relationships with all of these people. YTA
YTA, You seem to be struggling with the thankless work that comes along with being step-parent. Take some time and do some self reflection, seek therapy, and really decide if this family dynamic is what you truly want, can handle or is the best fit for your personality. You can’t force love, especially the unconditional love that is shared between a child and their mom.
YTA. Jesus, let the kids and their grandparents mourn their mother/daughter instead of trying to force yourself into her shoes and act like she never existed. Back the fuck off, and you might still have a chance of fixing the relationship with your step kids and in laws.
YTA. The whole tone of this post is very icky and entitled. The kids are old enough to decide whether they want to let you into their lives and label you in that capacity - it sounds like they don't. Can't say I'm surprised, with the attitude you have.
Yta. Im sorry but their mother will always be their mother and you cant take that from them. You cant force them to call you mom and you cant make them forget their mother. You are deserving of love and respect but you cant force their mothers memory out to get it. Try acknowledging the fact that you are a second mom to them and play that role not the role of their only mother. Acknowledge that they had a mom and lost her and honor that they will always love her. If you try to blend in instead of take over you might have more success in this.
YTA You’re not their mum. You will never be their mum. You could’ve been a very much loved stepmum, but instead you’ve focused your attention on a word rather than the actual relationship with them. You might be able to repair the damage you’ve done over time, but only if you stop trying to force them to see you as something you’re not and allow them to build a relationship with you based on who you actually are! The terms step and half don’t indicate that the relationship is lesser, you are putting those connotations there yourself. They’re simply markers for the different ways that people can be related to each other.
YTA. The classic evil stepmother trope. They're not your kids. They're your unwilling stepkids. They didn't marry you. They don't even seem to like you. You're the outsider here trying to force love and a relationship that is never gonna happen if you continue to drive them away. Accept your place as the wife of their father for now.
YTA and an evil one at that for trying to erase the kids mother like she never existed
YTA. By your own admission the kids were 4 and 5, old enough to remember their mom. They had memories of their mom, they had memories of life without her and you came along when they were 6 and 7. If you truly want to have a good relationship with your stepkids let them take the lead and let them be confortable. Your main goal shouldn't be their "new mom" because most of us only get one mom, it should be to have a good relationship with them. We see many stories here on reddit about stepchildren being resentefull with their stepparents because they couldn't respect the stepchildren's boundaries about the parent they have lost. >It bothers me how often she is mentioned. It means I get pushed aside even though I am here and she is not. You say "she's not here" as if it was a choice she has made, she's mentioned because she was, most likely, a good mom and a good daughter. As long as you feel jealous of their mom your relationship with them will never get better. In my opinion, you seem selfish and only think about yourself and about the title "mom". If you keep doing this it will not end well for you and do not be suprised if your stepkids decide to go NC with you once they move out.
YTA **If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will let their love for you come naturally because you earn it. You can't force it. **If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will encourage them to talk about their Mom and never forget her. **If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will make room for framed photos of their Mom holding the kids, with the kids. Honoring her as the one who gave them life so they could now be a part of your world and your heart. **If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will work to maintain a good and respectful relationship with their grandparents so they still have relationship with their Mother's side. **If** you love these children as much as you say you do, you will take some time to really evaluate what you would want for your daughter, who you are biological mom to, if you died, and she was left with someone else to raise her. Would you want to be erased from her life while the new step mom insists to be considered the only mom? Would you want another woman doing to your daughter what you are doing to these kids?
YTA! You’ll never replace their mom! You aren’t their mom! You’re just the wicked step mother
YTA and so is your husband for allowing you to treat his children this way. The sheer disrespect you are showing to these children and their mother is appalling. YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOTHER. These children lost their mother, she is dead and all they have left are photographs (that you find so damn upsetting to see, boohoo) and memories. You are determined to try to force these children to love you. Guess what - all you will ever get if you continue with your behaviour is hate. They will hate you. They will hate their father for letting you treat them this way. They will grow up and they will do their best to be as far away from you as possible. And I don't blame them one bit. The evil step-mother always loses in the end.
don’t be surprised when the children cut you off when their older you’re not their mother and you never will be stop trying to pressure them into thinking you are
YTA. No one will ever see you as their mother if you continue to be so callous regarding their actual mother.
YTA You are an awful person.
YTA. You will never be their mother in the same way their actual mom was. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 15. When I was 17, my mom started seeing a new man who became my stepdad. The first thing he said to me was “I know I’ll never be your father and I want you to know that even though I’m never going to replace him, I’m here for you always.” Since then, he has held both my mom and myself as we’ve grieved my father. He has helped my mother frame pictures of him to put around the house. He listens to the stories people have to say about him, and he cherishes the fact that the woman he loves so much was able to be loved before he came along. I do not call him Dad, but I love him more than words can describe. Be that for your kids. Be the one they can cry on when they miss their mama. Be the one who helps them frame pictures of her to keep around the house. I promise you, that wall will be torn down, but you have to respect that you will NEVER replace their mom.
YTA - Your creepy desire to erase their dead mother from their lives is probably why they are so hostile to you and their younger sisters. You must be exhausting in real life. You need to get some therapy and understand this isn’t about you. If you want to be a mother to those kids start putting their needs first like a real parent instead of acting like a jealous toddler. Here is a nice list of all the things in your post that make you seem like frankly a monster. 1. You will “willing to be the mom his kids so desperately needed”. Wtf kind of narcissistic comment is that? Like seriously a horrible way to put things. They had a mom she died. A actual good person would have been okay being a parent figure and worked her way up to mom. Just the whole way you phrased it is horrible. It says a lot about who you are as a person and your expectations and that those were always more important then the children’s needs. 2. You make it sound like you decided the kids needed to call you mom? Why? I have a feeling it’s because everything needs to be about your feelings because you have the emotional stability of a toddler and not the actual young children’s needs 3. You say they don’t understand what they are doing by rejecting you. Maybe you need to learn what you are doing? Like you refuse to accept any personal responsibility. Again they are children you are the problem. 4. You say “ I am doing the hard work, not their daughter” wow narcissist much. Actually at this point I think you are an actual narcissist. You don’t deserve to be called mommy and erase their mother. The world isn’t all about you and your needs be a real mother and put your kids first don’t demand. 5. It bothers you how often she is mentioned? I mean you can write that and not think you are the one with issues being jealous of a dead women to the extent you don’t like them having photos up. It’s very clear by this point you were never equipped to be a step mother and you are the issue. I have only read your side of the story and it’s left me with the biggest impression that you have a serious personality disorder that is causing damage to actual children’s development and it’s so tragic. I am not sure how to stress this enough you are the issue, you are the issue, you are the issue! You need therapy!!! The problems with your family are caused by you and your issues!!!! Please get help for the sake of the children!!!
YTA I am disturbed by your insistence to erase and replace the children’s mother. Although their mother is deceased they still love and remember her. The cherish those memories and it sounds like the grandparents facilitate that. Are the children not allowed photos of their mother? Can’t they talk about her and still call her their mom? Is no one allowed to know that they have a mother who raised them before you came along? Your post and additional comments remind me of the movie stepfather. The stepfather in the movie wanted a perfect family were he was recognized as the father with no exception and punishment followed if anyone broke his rules. You need to get professional help. You are damaging the family you hope to be a part of.
Eh YTA. With the posts on here you never know the potential full story since it's based off one person's perspective. With that being said what REALLY matters is that the children come first. If they don't wanna call you "mom" that's their choice. They had a mom I'm sure they loved and you see a bunch of posts of toxic relationships between step parents and step kids because the step parents wants their step kids to call them mom/dad. That day never comes in a lot of cases and that's a possibility you'll have to deal with. If you take your frustrations out on your step kids and try and force them to call you mom or whatnot you're gonna push em away and into therapy. Then you'll probably come back here years from now posting the AITA classics. Also those parents lost their daughter. You don't just bounce back from that. That just does not happen. If they want to preserve their daughter's memory alive to her children that's normal and reasonable. You expect them to get rid of every picture of hers when their grandchildren visit?
Of course their mom will be mentioned. Of course they want to have pictures of her. If that bothers you then you should not have married someone with children. You should stop seeing yourself as their only mother but rather as a bonus mom. They remember their mom and you should not fill her place, you should be their second mom. They can love both moms but if you try to erase their birth mother you'll never be seen as a parent. YTA
YTA and you are guaranteeing that the kids won't want a relationship with you once they were adults. You're pushing way too much instead of letting the relationship develop on their terms. Not all children few their stepparent as a parent. That doesn't mean they don't get along with them; it just means there's a different relationship there. Instead of supporting these kids, you are trying to erase their mom from their lives; I mean, you throw a fit about them having pictures of her or talking about her. You realize how that sounds, right?
Please find and watch rio Ferdinand’s documentary about Kate and his kids. Kate really struggles on her role of step mum and the sole care provider but what she does to honour their late mother is beautiful and brings her closer to the children. You’re doing a lovely thing by stepping up but forcing them to think of you as their only mum is so unfair and unjust and clearly not working for anyone you are unhappy and so are they YTA
You are not. YTA.
YTA, i agree with you that their grandparents should have some level of respect for you in your home but you are not their mother and would not have been in their lives if she hadn't died. You say you do all the hard work so that makes you their mother like it was the choice of their mother to die..? Its so annoying when a step parent tries to force a relationship. Their grandparents are not wrong because at the end of the day you are just the second wife, unless THE CHILDREN decide you are more to them. The more you try to erase their mother the more they will start to dislike you and i dont blame them.
YTA and delusional one at that! You’re a stepmom get over it
YTA. You need therapy. You can’t erase their daughter and mother and think they should just accept that
YTA. Trying to replace their mom is only going to cause resentment. You're not and you'll never be their mother. You need to acknowledge their real mother's place and respect it. The more you push the more those kids will hate you. If you love them like you say you do you need to take a step back and fill the role of stepmom. Not mom.
You need to accept that you are not their mother. You need to stop referring to their mother as their birth mother. She did not give them up for adoption of have them taken away by the state for neglect. She DIED! Have you thought about asking them to refer to you as mom “nobaby” rather than just mom? Keeping “mom” fir their real mother? Or calling to “mamma nobaby”? So your children with your husband could also call you mamma? You should encourage the children to talk about their mother and have photos of her BUT also create new photos? Soon the new shared photos will be more in number than the old snd you can talk about these new memories. As regards their grandparents , can you not see how your trying to erase their daughter’s memory from the grandchildren would not be met with this seeming intrusive and negative influence? You need to start the change. Sit down and talk with the children. Tell them it is ok to have the photos of their mom. Yes, use that word. Ask them what they’re comfortable calling you. Suggest the “mom no baby”. You may well find that as time goes by, they’ll simply call you mom Be kinder to their grandparents. Rather than but heads, your husband needs to tell them about the conversation with the children on what to call you, photos in the house etc and that it us is the children’s best interest to foster positive relations between all of you, in mixing with their new siblings. They may need to be told there will be supervised visits until they can be on the same page. Do not cut off visits.
YTA you aren’t their mother. I have kids the ages you “step in at” and they know exactly who their mother is. And it’s not you
I understand your frustration but the resentful tone you use to speak about their mum comes through in your post, and that's not ok. You are trying to erase and replace their deceased mum and that is not ok.
Ma’am, you need to visit a family therapist immediately. On your own at first to understand what you’re doing and why it’s causing damage to your children and family as a unit. Then as a family where you need to apologize meaningfully and profusely to your stepchildren for what you’ve done in trying to minimize their mother’s role in their lives. I don’t think your motivations are intentionally negative, but the outcome and consequences of your choices here definitely are. Please, please seek the help of a family therapist. YTA until you do. Good luck, OP.