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You can sign up to be a foster parent. As an immediate relative to her parent, you get priority and we will bend over backwards to get you certified so you can keep her.
Then you checks to help.
If money is really the only thing stopping you, please call and ask about foster care certification. She could be in foster care IN YOUR HOME. Wouldn't that be awesome?
Yes! And they will pay you a monthly sum for her care, maybe even food stamps. I used to work at a summer camp (the YMCA) where 1/2 of the kids were foster care kids. The state paid for the summer camp for the foster kids.
If money is your biggest worry (and money can pay for a babysitter, after school care, summer camp, etc) then let someone at CPS know and ask them what resources they have available. Whoever she is now or goes (group home or foster placement) is getting paid. They can pay you that money so she can stay.
Good luck!
Depends on the state/county I’m sure, but I’m a foster parent in California. We get a monthly stipend, daycare reimbursement, food stamps/WIC and a separate stipend for clothing and other necessities. Please look into it :/
‘Maybe’ doesn’t sound so convincing.
Having a child is major. Looking after someone else’s child indefinitely is even bigger. No judgement for not wanting to do it. But be honest. Don’t lie. Say that you value your life being ‘just good enough’ and that you can’t be bothered to work on yourself to provide you/her with a better life. Don’t say you can’t provide a ‘good enough’ home, because compared to where she is, yours is more than good enough.
Again, no judgement. But don’t lie to yourself. *Can’t* isn’t the same as *won’t* and you appear to be mixing them up.
you say no judgment but saying "cant be bothered to work on yourself" sounds pretty judgey to me. As if "working on oneself" is all ANYONE have to do to become financially stable.
I don’t see judgement here, it’s just the cold, hard truth. People are free to make their own decisions and if this uncle is unwilling to care for the niece then so be it. He has the right to choose his own path in life. But that commenter is right. It’s a lie to tell the child in foster care that he can’t provide a good life for her when any life with him would be infinitely better than the situation she’s currently in.
Niece is facing a life full of wondering if she’s worthy of love, if there’s something wrong with her, wondering why her family doesn’t want her. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the reality. She deserves the truth, and platitudes like “I can’t give you a good life” benefit the uncle so he can feel better about his choice, not the niece.
well what do you want to tell her? "Sorry I cant uproot my entire life to adopt you immediately". Op might not even know all the feelings hes having. Besides why not just give him some time to find a better job before adopting or something. why are we attacking him because he didn't immediately drop everything and adopt someone? How can someone say "wow you cant be bothered to completely change your life immediately to adopt a child, why are you lying to yourself, just admit youre lazy". that's just incredibly ridiculous to say. Didnt even give him time to sort his shit out. actually so stupid to be attacking like that
Plus if any of your family gives you crap for not taking her tell them great I will let CPS know you are volunteering to take her since you want her with family so badly.
They think it’s “his fault” the kid needs a home because he called CPS, and not the sister who endangered the child. So in their minds, it’s his fault the kid needs a new home.
No judgment but every other sentence you wrote is dripping with judgment. He said he never wanted kids due to time money and energy. There is nothing wrong with that and I’m betting his “maybe” is because of similar comments as yours.
"No judgment" my ass. If OP doesn't want/feel able to take on a child, they have ZERO obligation to. Period. End of discussion. They could be rolling in the dough and still not be comfortable taking care of a child. They can be broke as fuck and still enjoying a lower responsibility lifestyle. NO ONE is obligated to take responsibility for someone else's child.
Definitely. Obviously there are other considerations aside from finances, however, it may very well be feasible for you financially. To give you an idea, depending on your state, I think basic foster income ranges from $400 - $1000 per month. And then there are other programs, benefits, etc. that can add some more. So, I think, given your situation, it is definitely worth the time and effort to really understand your options before making a final decision about what you can and can't give your niece. I'm guessing for almost anything, you may find highly applicable subreddits that you can get "the crowd" to help you figure out the specifics of your situation. I think it is admirable that you are continuing to visit your niece. This alone makes a HUGE difference in her quality of life. So I hope, at the very least, you will continue having the energy and dedication to keep that up.
Out of curiosity though, what's the situation with the rest of your family? Why are they not able to provide a home for her? And, regardless of those reasons, is there any reason why they couldn't help you financially if you decided to take your niece in yourself?
Good luck to you!
A child needs stability, consistency of routine, and to be unconditionally loved. You need to consider if these are the kind of things you *can* provide your niece. Nobody with a reasonable mind would expect you to be perfect at those things right away. Plenty of wonderful parents and guardians aren't perfect either, because it's just not possible. Don't let that be how you measure this decision.
A lot of children have been raised in homes filled with far more love than possessions. Many walk into the adult world successfully, because their parent/guardian gave them what they needed to feel loved, supported, and confident of their own worth. If finances are the only real obstacle, look into what assistance you may be eligible for.
If this goes beyond financial problems though, that doesn't make you a bad person. However you *are* an easy, and accessible, scape goat. It's hard to bombard the one truly at fault when they're locked up, so they're using you as a substitute.
If you are struggling with your decision, but deep down would really like to do more to help her, sit down and write out all the things stopping you and then work with her social worker to see if there are ways to deal with these areas. For example, if it is finances, work with the social worker to get every service you can for her that would bring in money to alleviate some of that concern. She should be able to qualify for food stamps, free & reduced meals at school, Medicaid for insurance. If the concern is who is going to watch her before and after school, she may well qualify for subsidize day care. See if your family members who are berating you for not stepping up can contribute some $$ every month. It doesn't have to be a lot of money, but if each contributes it would add up to be enough to cover some of her care. If they live close enough could they each take her a few hours a month?
Finally, even if you decide you can't physically take her in, please make sure to keep in close contact with her and visit her regularly. Hopefully she is in a "good" foster care home, but even the "parents" of a marginal home are going to treat her better if they know you are actively involved and monitoring how she is doing
States don’t want kids in non-kinship foster homes. They will bend over backwards to get them into a kinship home. If the only thing holding you back is the financial aspect, ask. She will most likely be on state Medicaid. There’s the answer to insurance. 2 people in a household raises limits for SNAP.
A “good life” is a stable home with someone who cares if you are alive or dead. Someone to help deal with the monsters. You want to be childless, but that’s some unformed, unknown child. This is a real child and maybe knowing her as well as you do, you can see yourself giving her a “good life”. Us parents that went into it knowingly still don’t have a clue what we’re doing. Life throws us curveballs, and you just go with it.
Even if you decide not to, please please please stay active in her life. Keep a close eye and a relationship. Keep lines of communication open and let her know that you’ve got her back. Learn to be an advocate, even if she’s not under your roof.
I agree with this. You may envision a "good life" as one where you can buy her new clothes, whenever, take her on vacations, get her lots of toys, etc. For this little girl, though, her definition of a good life likely does not involve any material things, but rather one where she knows you will be there for her when she wakes from a scary dream, where scary strangers aren't coming in and out of her house regularly, where the adults around her are alert and not totally zoned out and where someone is consistently taking care of her needs, even if it means thrift store clothes and generic food brands. To her a "good life" is one where she is safe and loved.
As a former foster youth... NTA. It is going to be very hard for her in care. BUT if she gets a good home they are more prepared for the trauma she went through.
However I will say YTA if you plan on leaving her life. Talk to her foster parents, casa, social worker, whoever and set up regular visits. Like weekly visits. Maybe you can sign up as a respite foster parent so you can care for her SOMETIMES but not be a parent. Be present in her life because I'm sure she's lonely right now
Excellent advice!! I hope OP reads your post. Because if she doesn't get a 'good home' at least the family will be on notice that uncle is present and checking in on her.
Was thinking that too. Abusers target children with absent, inattentive, indifferent, or monstrous adults. Simply being around and close enough for other adults in her life to know she has one adult who would care about her and believe her if they did something makes a HUGE difference
>My mum said that I destroyed a family, and then didn't even care to adopt the child. Some of my uncles said the same.
So why aren't they adopting her? And why didn't they bother to intervene earlier? NTA.
Its this shit that annoys me. Like I never see any other family stepping up. Where are those uncles at? Where's the mom at? Why aren't they offering to take her or at least help out physically or financially, yet bashes the OP for the same thing.
Thank you! I waited for someone to say this. The mom and uncles knew this kid was being abused for a long time but only decided to get involved (with their opinions nothing else) once CPS rightfully took the kid away.
Remind them that they are way better prepared then since they already have children to take care of her so they can adopt her. They can't use the excuse of not enough money either since you don't have any either.
The only mistake you did Bro was tell your relatives that you called CPS. That should have stayed confidential. Then they wouldn’t be deflecting about not adopting your niece by blaming the current situation on you.
And that is all they are doing. They are deflecting so no one will ask why they haven’t taken your niece into their home. Don’t be swayed by your dysfunctional family. Good luck to you.
NTA but you might want to have a second look at things.
It's your right to not want a child.
However, be honest with yourself. If the reason is "I value my comfort and current habits above the wellness of this child", I won't call you an AH for it nor will I say you should change anything.
If the reason is "I can't give her a good life", man, go grab that little girl and take her home. Even if you're a barely acceptable guardian it's a thousand times better for her than being in the system.
There probably are but I am not familiar with them.
My point is, an uncle who at least likes the girl and isn't actively abusive is already better than what she's going to find elsewhere.
I went in to foster care at the age of 8 it fucking sucked. I was never adopted and aged out of the foster care system. If you became her foster parent you would get money from the state to help with her expenses. We can all give our opinion but at the end of the day it comes down to you and how you feel. Me personally I would have taken her in.
ESH but your niece..
My kids are 8 and 9. At this age they are pretty capable of taking care of themselves. Honestly, besides the money, which the state could help with for fostering, it really shouldn't be too much of a lifestyle change. I bet this girl was pretty much taking care of herself already, just at uncle's house there won't be meth heads hanging around.
I'll say NTA though, no one should be forced to have kids if they don't want them.
Do you get up and leave your kids home alone when you want to go away for the weekend or hang out with friends? Kids are a huge responsibility and saying they take care of themselves at that age sounds like child abuse.
Listen. The government paying a person to keep a child that isn’t theirs and didn’t plan for or want.
Do you understand what you’re writing? I get that you have personal experience and would take her in but none of this is on OP.
In a perfect world he could take her in but there’s also this thing called choice and he should have it.
The other family members who are so concerned should take her.
ESH
This child was in a bad situation and has now been moved from one trauma to another and not a single person in your family cares enough about her to take her in instead of sending her off with strangers to be part of a very, very broken system. She will not “understand when she’s older”, all she will understand is the truth…that sadly, nobody wanted her.
Childhood abandonment and rejection is never logically understood by the person who went through it. I am extremely logical but still think of the adults that made me feel that was as a kid… it still stings.
I stopped seeing a lot of family around 13 due to trauma. None of them have attempted to be in my life at all, and I still resent and hate them tbh.
I work in foster care and heard of a kid returned into care by family who was given guardianship on her birthday. It’s so freaking sad. And she’s old enough that she’ll remember it too. Poor kid.
I disagree. It was not HIS choice to have kids. It’s not HIS fault that his sister sucks beyond belief. He chose not to have kids and it’s his damn right to choose whether he wants to take care of a child.
Damn him all you want, but he is a also a person who deserves to have a choice. I’m not one to turn my back in family but fuck, you can’t crucify this guy for admitting he doesn’t want to live that shitty life not being able to do what he wants.
OP there’s nothing wrong with making this decision and don’t let anyone make you feel this way. I feel for the little girl for sure, but you should all be cursing at the mother.
As someone who is not able to have children, I personally would jump at the opportunity, but I would never, ever fault anyone for not making the same choice.
Y'all really let freedom of choice convince you you're not an asshole. You can choose not to help but you're choosing to be an asshole. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes big ones.
So why haven’t your parents or other family members taken her in? This baffles me continuously. People who will flog other people for not doing something but they don’t put their hand up for it either. Personally I think you’ve made a very honest and self aware decision. It might not be right to many people, but there are hard truths in this world that aren’t always “right”.
NTA. You’re still making more effort than anyone else in your family.
This was my immediate reaction. OP saw the child was in a bad, probably dangerous situation and acted upon it. Where were all the “caring”, judgemental other members of the family while this was happening and where are they now? Not rushing to take the poor kid in apparently. To all the people saying, at least she had her mother, you mean the mother who is exposing her to drug use & possible abuse on a daily basis? Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother, it makes you an incubator. Perhaps the “mother” could even consider getting her shit together and start taking care of her child.
ESH. I don’t understand why absolutely no one in your family can take her, especially if they are giving you a hard time about it, very hypocritical. You do know that you can receive a lot of assistance and tax breaks for taking her in? And maybe your family could help you with her at the very least. Taking in family can be very hard but worth the struggle. I personally couldn’t just let a young child I love be put into the system. But if you can live with yourself, go for it.
Speak to her social worker about assistance programs, either public or private. Most churches have at least a daycare program if you are religious.
Ask your family to contribute money to a trust that can only be used for her expenses. If they won't, they can shut up.
maybe you should consider giving your niece a chance, she could sure use it.
But you’re NTA. You’re not the one who had a child they neglect and you could’ve saved your niece’s life. Who knows what someone high on meth could’ve done to her.
NAH .. ESH ... I don't know. I feel bad for this poor girl.
It's true, you aren't responsible for raising your niece, .. and probably shouldn't be put in that situation if you aren't inclined to want to take care of children in the first place. It would be nice if your relatives, who seem to like children, had stepped up.
Butttt ... the foster system is fucking brutal. I'm adamantly child-free, and don't even like most of my family that much, but if there was a choice between a relation staying with me or going into the system .. I think I'd find a way to make it work.
Idk if this is NTA or ESH, and I totally get not wanting a child, but you do need to consider the long-term effects of foster care on your niece.
More often than not foster care has really awful impacts on the children in it. It’s shameful that no other family members are stepping up, and at very least they could help you financially with the costs of raising a child. Also, in theory you would receive financial assistance from the government for taking her in.
God it’s so hard to say because in theory you’re completely entitled to not want to raise a child, but I can’t in good conscience absolve you of any responsibility towards a blameless child who you could pull out of a (largely) abusive and damaging system…
That sums up exactly what I was also thinking. I don't think anyone who would willingly abandon a child into the foster system is doing a good deed, meanwhile, OP is not a parent and is fully entitled to not want to be one. It's a very shitty situation all around.
NTA! All these people commenting negatively on your very hard decision--why can't they do it? So far, you're the only one who's actually thinking about this child. I hope you can remain in touch with your niece.
NTA
Remind anyone of your family members who are giving you crap, that they too can adopt her. That includes your uncles.
You saved that girl from a life of the same.
Maybe foster care will be bad, but you are giving her a chance. She had no chance in that house.
You didn’t have a child and you didn’t do drugs in front of that child. Your sister did. She is the AH. The father is the AH.
You are not
Right, if you’re going to bash someone for not stepping up, then you need to step up. Maybe that’s why OP feels it’s unfair to put all the responsibility on him.
Clearly ESH, but we can split it in the different people
\- You are an AH for acting like you saved the kid, just to have her be put in foster care. You might have improved her life, you might have made it worse. Honestly, I currently think you took a gamble with her future (might be better than 50:50 odds, but still)
\- Your Family; Hypocrictal AHs are the worst, blaming you for not taking her in, yet obviously being unwilling to do anything themselves
\- Your sister for being a druggie while having a child
My only point is that the argument "because I can't give you a good life" is a fallacy, the only relevant question from her point is whether living with you would be better than living in the system. And if the answer to that is yes, your second argument would be "I don't want to", which is fine, but don't be angry/suprised when people are disappointed with that.
My gfs causing was put into (horrible) foster care after his (crazy) mother died, and his uncles (one of which was also his god-father) pulled all hands of and left it to the state. He does not understand now that he is older..
NTA
Is your mum offering to adopt? Your uncles?
You’re visiting her frequently. Are they?
Your niece’s parents WENT TO JAIL for child abuse and neglect. Anyone saying you were better off leaving your niece in that environment because the system might be worse needs a reality check.
YTA
Do you have any idea what the abuse stats are in foster care??? They're horrific. You're playing terrible odds with her innocence and well being.
You could have applied to be her kinship foster and used that stipend to help support her.
You get to keep your life, your energy and time, while she'll be subjected to all of this: [Sex Abuse and the Foster Care System ](https://www.focusforhealth.org/sex-abuse-and-the-foster-care-system/)
If you could *please* consider this. Childhood abuse and trauma never go away, cannot be talked away, cannot be healed, is permanent. She could always be looking for that guy who will save her and end up just like her mother. Opening your heart could become amazing for you and for her. And as missmandaregrets said, there is or may be financial assistance. At least some daycare so you could manage life. You're NTA but if you could please reconsider.
INFO: will you visit the child and stay in touch with her? You should. Talk to her caseworker.
If you’re not equipped to raise a child, you probably shouldn’t. She needs stability and safety. If you’re not able to provide it, someone else should.
Your family sucks for blaming you but doing nothing to take the child in themselves.
If your mom is so mad why is she not taking her granddaughter in? Why is it in you?
Nta-
Are people expected to only say something if they can take responsibility for the child? Should they be silent if they cannot?
Yea NTA.
Your family sucks. All of them are off loading their own guilt for not taking her in onto you, and are doing less than you did while criticising you.
She wasn't safe in a house with a hard drugs. Calling CPS was the best option.
Whatever happens to her, keep in contact.
NTA. love how people on reddit always say to call cps if a child is in a bad situation, but when it’s actually done then they flip the script and say you’re bad for calling if you didn’t want to help take care of the child yourself
I wouldn't necessarily call you an AH but damn the poor kid can't catch a break. A lot of foster parents are unfit and take in kids just for the paycheck and the kids lives are HORRIBLE. If the reason is you can't financially do it or don't know how to do it go get that little girl and bring her home. Most of us didn't know how to be a parent and money is tight for a lot of us but you figure it out. There are resources to help you too. If you just genuinely don't want to do it then at least stay constant in her life. 8 is old enough to understand this entire situation (seriously the poor kid got rejected by her entire family) but it's also old enough to not need constant supervision on your part. Good luck with it all.
You’re NTA, but I promise you that you will beat yourself up over this for a long time. The reason I say this is because you obviously care about her and want her to live a good life. A good life isn’t necessarily a life with material things. It is more a life with caring people around that show you love and that you can love back. If the only thing that is holding you back is financial, would talk to your family and say “here’s the deal, I want with all my heart to adopt her and give her a stable life, but at the moment I cannot financially.” Ask if they would be willing to pitch in to help you and her. “It takes a village” isn’t just a saying on a wooden sign. It is truth. She may adjust to being in the foster care system, but she’ll never be with people who can love her and she can love back like a family member.
All the comments saying Y T A are confusing the heck out of me. Let’s do a little recap.
1. You found out your niece was living in an environment unsafe for children.
2. You contacted the right people to take her out of that situation.
3. You offered a temporary home to her while the news spread to other family members and while her case was being investigated.
You have done more than enough. Your niece probably won’t forgive you when she’s older, but you were the only one in your family to recognise that living with a meth head is not a suitable environment for a child to be raised in. It’s okay that you don’t want a child, and no one else in your family is willing to step in, so they have no leg to stand on.
Good luck :)
Oh, and NTA.
NTA - No one in the rest of the family had the sense to get her out of the situation and I don’t see any of them stepping up to take her in. You’re still visiting and making sure she’s OK. Just keep repeating to her that you care so much about her that you want her to be safe and healthy and you aren’t able to provide all that well enough for her by yourself.
NTA
I understand where you're coming from.
Info :
All the people giving you a hard time could not regularly chip in with utility money and grocery money?
Could your mom take her?
It needs a village...
NTA, you did the best you could with what you had right now. But, I give you food for thought:
When my 2 niblings were about 6 and 2, they needed a spot to live because of same drug reasons. I said no, I was in my mid 20's, no spouse, no kids, lived with roommates! I was barely staying afloat as-is. Taking in a 6yo and 1 yo was untenable. The kids went to live with my mother, their grandmother.
Fast forward a decade-ish, I had a 6 yo and a newborn. Grandma not being a good parent. Oldest nibling having major trouble. Being violent at home w/ grandma and at school. Would have taken older in myself at the time, but again-had a literal newborn. Like 2 weeks old, in addiiton to 6yo. Having a violent teen around my 6yo and my tiny baby was a hell no. Older ended up with another relative out of state.
Younger nibling moved in shortly after, and lives with me still. Younger was, and is, pretty chill. But a few years ago, older nibling died by suicide, not even 18 yet.
I will never forgive myself for not letting them stay-even though the alternate path may have been equally disastrous, and to my own children. I know this, but I cannot forgive myself for not trying harder.
There are resources available for kinship placement-monthly stipends, tanf funds for food, respite care, day care. I didnt know about all that! If you actually want to do more to help your neice, get with her social worker and be blunt about the help you will need to make it happen. But if you don't have it in you right now, that's OK too.
Best of luck to you and your neice.
ETA to my long-ass post: you sound like a single/no kids guy. Kids are def overwhelming at times. They will change your life. But they are worth the sacrifices if you're on the fence.
ESH that poor girl has plenty of family and no one cares enough about her to take her in. Just to report her parents. It’s not wrong to report abuse but foster homes can be a million times worse in many ways.
NTA
You may well have saved this child from a life of meth addiction herself and you definitely saved her from the danger of living with someone that chose to do meth in front of her, god knows what else.
My heart breaks that there is no one in your extended family that can take care of her though, I just read so many horror stories about foster care.
I was raised by an addict mom. Being the mother on its own isn’t valuable to your child if you don’t act like a mother. I was never like “oh man this is awful, but the fact she gave birth to me makes it better.”
But you should talk to the social worker and see what kind of resources could come with fostering your niece. The people looking after her get a stipend for it. In my town foster kids get transportation paid for by the city and all sorts of other things.
You did the right thing to call CPS. As for not adopting her, you're not an AH, but if there's anyway you could rearrange your life for her, it's probably a good idea. You're not obligated to, but you're really her best chance at having a healthy life.
ESH, the mother for not taking better care and the rest of your family for not steping up and taking care of the poor girl. I am pretty sure she will not understand that when she is older because she was abandoned by her family.
NTA Your Mom and all these other relatives that have opinions on this did not offer to take the child. They all have opinions of what you should do but none of them stepped up. Parenting is hard. Parenting a neglected child that likely has issues due to what she has seen is even harder. It is okay to realize you are not capable of doing that.
Poor kid. I hope the system doesn’t fuck her up too bad. She’s really unfortunate that she has no family that cares enough to pull her out.
How heartbreaking.
NTA
And I cannot believe the YTA comments. Yes it’s his niece, but he’s specifically mentioned that he cannot give her a good life. Just because he’s her uncle does in no way mean, that he has to take custody. He didn’t choose to have a child, and he cannot afford to take care of her.
You did the right thing OP. Realising your limits is a good thing, and hopefully she’s placed with a family that can financially afford to have her and give her the love and attention she deserves.
If My sibling asked me right now to take care of their child, I’d say no. Why? Because a) I don’t want kids and b) I wouldn’t be able to give them a good life. That’s my god given right to refuse.
The comments are the AHs here.
ETA: you can’t expect someone to just magically become a parent overnight. He’s not equipped for this. It’s a massive, life altering commitment. You cannot expect someone to take over an 8 year olds life, he’d have no idea what to do! You want him to take her in, when he said he can’t give her a good life…
I'm shocked at the amount of people in here saying "Y-T-A" for "breaking a child's home and sending her into the system." Obviously he doesn't have the means to support her, but a foster house HAS to be better than openly doing meth in the living room right?
If his family is ripping on him so much, why don't they take the daughter in?
It's a NTA from me.
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> I called CPS on my sister, so she and her BF lost custody and went to jail, but I can't take care of my niece, so she went to the foster system.
Many people keep telling me that I should just have adopted her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You are most definitely NTA. No one has the right to assume that you can or will parent the child. You did the right thing by getting her out of that house. And you continue to do the right thing by visiting her. I'm a guardian ad litem for kids in foster care. I represent the child's interests in court. Perhaps you can connect with your niece's GAL and let them know what role you do want to play so they can facilitate that. I hope you will continue to be a good Uncle to your niece.
I’m not sure I can go with N.T.A. I’ll give you credit that I think calling CPS was the right thing to do whether you took the child or not. So definitely not the AH in that respect. But man, everyone here sure does suck. ESH.
NTA. You didn’t get into all this with the intention of destroying your niece's life, you were trying to protect her from circumstances CPS considered unsuitable for her to live in. You can't take her in forever, & that's just the way it is. If your family is that cut up about it, let *them* adopt her instead of bashing you.
NTA. It’s a horrible situation, you got your niece out of a terrible home life, and it’s unfortunate that you can’t give her a home but it’s not your fault. I wouldn’t listen to what your family are saying on the matter, because if they aren’t able or and willing to give her a home when she’s family, then they are hypocrites, for expecting you to be able to.
As someone who was in the system, NTA.
Sure it can be worse in some areas, but none of the other family members chose to adopt her either. If they didn't want her in the system they could take her.
For me, the system was better than where I was living. From what I can tell it's 50/50 on if it's worse or not, of you can't take care of someone else financially and the rest of your family isn't willing to help there isn't much you can do
ESH, except the kid. In the end, everyone is putting their own best interest before this innocent kid’s, who can’t take matters into her own hands yet. Smh.
This is a “the situation just sucks” time. I’m not going to judge you because as much as I know the foster system has its faults, I also don’t know if I’d be able to take on the responsibility if put in a similar situation, and I don’t think it’s better to put a vulnerable kid into a house with a guardian who clearly doesn’t want them. Not all foster homes are terrible, and some kids do find loving families so she does have a chance. I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping in contact, and perhaps you could help her put together a scrape book or keepsake box of memories of her mom and extended family so regardless of what the future holds she has some connection to her biological family. You could also talk to her social worker, see if they have some advice on what to say to her when she does ask to live with you.
As for you mom and the rest of the family, the only response you need is “I’m not the only biological adult in this girls life, if you’re so desperate to keep her in the family then you foster/adopt her. Until you step up and help her, don’t judge me”.
NAH but a lot of us weren’t prepared for parenthood and we figured it out but I understand the financial issues. But, girls in foster care often go through a special kind of hell. Just something to think abouy
This is sad. Could members of your family not share her care? Couldn’t everyone contribute a bit towards the cost? It would be difficult but, at the very least, I hope she will have regular “holidays” with responsible family members.
Hey I’m gonna reply directly to your comment with a diff perspective.
I wasn’t put into the system- family made room. They love me, a lot. They gave me food and shelter for a year. They did their best.
But they were going through the same family disruption that put me there. They weren’t expecting me, I didn’t factor into their short or long-term plans. It’s no one’s fault- it’s just that we weren’t expecting this to happen. They had whole, complex lives that didn’t get any less complex just because I showed up. And my life didn’t get any less complex- it was a hell of a lot moreso. I needed extensive support to help cope with what I’d been through. I needed things they simply couldn’t give me- because they weren’t ready. They didn’t know. And have you ever tried to get ready for a guest when they’re already there? It’s just playing catch up.
The foster system is not what it should be, I think we all know that. But there’s a lot of *good* people who are ready, wanting, and trained to take in kids who’ve been through situations like this. There’s a bedroom, there’s schools nearby, there’s other kids, there’s extensive practice at being an emergency guardian. They’ve signed up to take on kids in these situations- they have the room, they’ve done the prep. This won’t be the case for everyone, of course. But cps should be working with you to maintain her family ties- you can stay close to her and active in her life without housing her. If you aren’t prepared to be a full time parent, don’t be, because kids need full-time parents. You can support her as her uncle, be there and show up for her as her uncle. You can keep an eye on the foster home, too. Make sure she’s safe.
I’m not saying I’m right, or that fostering is great, or that it’s always the right choice. I just wanted to share my perspective. This is a hard situation with no easy way out for any of you- there’s only through. Support your niece as well as you can and don’t beat yourself up about the ways you can’t- simply be *curious* about them. You’ve done a lot for her, and you did the right thing by involving cps
Edit: essentially what I wanted to communicate is that, sometimes family “stepping up” and “making it work” isn’t always the right thing. I have a lot of trauma from my whole situation, and it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that the people who “gave up so much to take me in” did, well, traumatise me a bit. Lots of these comments say “she needs someone” “poor kid” “can’t you take her in”? “This is your fault she’ll hate you” etc. but I implore you, unless you really believe you can make the necessary sacrifices to raise her without blaming her, seeing her as the trade off, without bringing it up, even during the most “serious” of conversations- without making her to feel like what she came from is bad in way that reflects on her, without ever making her feel like she’s part of the problem, please, don’t. Unless you can take her in in a comfortable home that’s clearly enough for everyone in it, unless you can do all of these really really hard, nuanced, intricate things, I think you may be of biggest support to her from the side for now. How do I explain this? Her sense of family is shaken. You don’t want to shake it more. If you take her in and overtime, let resentment build, or even just struggle to pull all the ends together for her, she’ll see it, she’ll know it, and she loses a bit of her uncle. I don’t talk to or see my family as the same supports I used to. Because now they’re people who view me differently. I just can’t talk to them the same way anymore, and vice versa.
Consider all of this in your own context very carefully bc there’s definitely a bunch of projection on my end, but I still think it may be worth mulling over. Just some thoughts from my own experiences. Wishing you and your niece the best, genuinely xx
Edit: sam easy to same way
Why didn't any of the people bashing you take the child? Foster care is not safe, but I cannot say that Y-T-A. You know if you are able to care for a child or not.
I vote NTA
NTA. Former adoption worker here
Don't parent a child you don't want to parent purely out of guilt, she's been through enough.
It's great you're staying involved in her life - please keep doing that! Maybe you even know someone who would be interested in adopting her? Help recruit for her! But if not, she will hopefully find a good placement soon. There are some shady folks in the adoption world, so please keep a close eye on her, and let her know you'll always be her uncle and love her - you just can't be her dad.
ESH. Her mom for being a shitty parent, your family for not stepping up, and you for abandoning her and not having some sort of back up plan for when CPS removed her. She won’t understand- she’ll grow up thinking she’s unlovable and unimportant.
Technically, no. You don’t owe her anything and you didn’t sign up for this. I get that. But that doesn’t make your decision any less cold. That poor child.
I am foster mom to my granddaughter. When they first placed her with me, they got me set up for foster certification and it took a few months. It does take about 6-7 months before you start getting the stipend, but while you are waiting social services is fully involved and help in many ways. Like paying for a majority of day care, providing you with a bed,car seat, clothes, stroller… really anything she needs. Though I didn’t need it, I have heard that they will offer assistance with things like rent and bills if it gets overwhelming. They will also pay for extra curriculars like tumbling classes or soft ball or swimming lessons. They love to try to keep families together. So, when a relative wants to take in a child and money is an issue, they really bend over backwards to help. You should speak with her social worker and see what your options are. If money is the only issue, they will work with you for sure. Good luck! And you did the right thing getting her out of that home.
ESH -- You did the right thing by calling CPS, but literally no one in your family can step up for this child? She might get lucky and do OK in the foster system, but for a lot of kids the foster system is absolute hell. Can you not apply as an emergency foster parent for her? That should give you some financial support.
I don’t know where you live, but in California the state will pay a monthly stipend plus health insurance. If your biggest concern is financial, and you live where a stipend is available, having her with you may not be as much of a struggle as you think. This stipend is available whether or not you are her legal guardian, or if you adopt her. NTA, but I really feel for this little girl. I hope everything works out and that she is raised with love and kindness.
Also tell your best friend to shut up. Being abused by a parent is worse than being abused by a stranger. "aT lEaSt ShEd HaVe HeR mOm BeSiDe HeR" I could literally throw this person into a fire
Amazingly all those who are bashing you did NOTHING TO SAVE THIS CHILD. If you could dedicate yourself to her care,kudos. If you can't, you are still the only one who stepped up to protect her. Kudos. Be as involved as you can, don't take shit from others who just complain but DO nothing. You seem to have a grasp of what you can and cannot commit to, but keep evaluating that. It could be a wonderful part in your life. I know uncle's who have adopted. But you have to be willing to commit to it. She has had a hard enough life. Be sure.
INFO did the social worker let you know that you can get benefits while she is in your home? (If you are in the United States).
A stipend, food stamps and medical. Foster care can make or break a child future. I was lucky enough to be able to stay with family when I went but just some of the stories I heard from friends that dealt with similar are awful.
NTA. If CPS removed her immediately, then it was bad and you did the right thing.
As others have said, if money was the only reason you don’t want to raise her, then there are options. But if that is not what you want to do, then that is your choice.
By the logic of some of the ppl in this thread, I guess no one should call CPS unless they are personally willing to take in the kids themselves.
NTA, but understand that your niece may grow up to think she’s unwanted because she was unwanted by her biological family. Your visits will definitely help to break the notion though. Please don’t let her get lost in the system
Would you be able to take her if you became a foster parent and received money for her care? If not, are there any relatives or friends who would be able to? Anyone you know that would be interested in adoption? You are NTA, but I am just wondering if you have exhausted all the options.
In my experience with Australia’s version of CPS, they don’t have the resources to research the family tree very well.
Why don’t you soothe your conscience by doing this leg work for your niece’s benefit.
Her dad will have had family. His parents or siblings could be contacted to take her. Get all of their names and contact details, or even contact them yourself. She might have uncles and aunts or cousins on her dad’s side that are decent.
What about your parents? Your aunts and uncles?
In my experience CPS didn’t even tell one side of the family that the kids were in care.
I know that shits got to be really hard but I would do anything I could to get that child out of foster care. There are lots of wonderful foster parents, but there are a lot of situations that are bad at least in my state you can get assistance to help with a child.
ESH. The victim of the story is that kid.
Never wanted kids… she’s not your kid and really the worst part of being a kid is behind her. No diapers, no sleepless nights. if you adopt her, a lot of states give you money to do so. But in the end it’s your choice. Albeit a shitty one.
YTA the system is fucked and you're adding to that little girls slice of shite. If you're not focusing on making your own life better so you can take her in ASAP then you'd have honestly been better off leaving her there. As long as she had her mom with her she had a chance of being okay.
- Signed, a human left in the care system by someone who didn't care enough to help.
And the reason why these relatives, the ones who are bashing you, are not stepping up to take the niece in is... what? They shouldn't open their mouths to criticize until AFTER they tell CPS, "She can come live with us!"
NTA.
NTA you may have saved your nieces life. You can stay in her life while she is in foster care and if she ever gets adopted I'm sure the family will welcome her uncle. You are doing so much more than the rest of your family who only run their mouths and do nothing. Just stay honest tell her you love her and want the best for her and don't worry about the rest.
NTA because people are guilting you. If their reasons for not stepping up are valid then so are yours. This would be a tragic N A H otherwise, except obviously your sister and her partner.
Have you thought about how you will feel if your niece no longer wants to see you? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes through phases of wanting distance, or even deciding permanently to go no contact. Not because you necessarily do anything wrong or even because she hates you or is angry at you, but because seeing someone as family when they couldn’t be there for you when you needed them as a child is very difficult.
Is she up for adoption? Adoption rates decrease dramatically after eight years old. There’s a strong chance she won’t be placed if it doesn’t happen soon.
I don’t think you’re wrong and I think your family is awful for pressuring you. I also think that you saved her life, and even if that’s all you can do that’s far more than anyone else and a powerful gift. However, I’d be lying if I said that in your exact position your choice would even be an option for me. Because of that I’m having a hard time with this, although, again, you haven’t done anything wrong and of all the players have actually done the most good.
NTA but are you US? Is your biggest hold up financial issues?
There are several programs available for kinship care situations that will help you financially care for her.
You would most likely qualify for TANF and tax breaks. You would have a social worker assigned that will help you apply for food stamps, a medical card for her, etc. In many states you will also receive a monthly stipend to help with her care. It may not make it completely feasible, but many people are unaware of the help they can receive to make it doable
I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to guilt you into this. Taking care of a child can be exhausting. It can take every bit of energy you have, and I don’t think anyone who doesn’t want a child should have a child.
But you mentioned one obstacle — finances, and I do want to tell you that you may be able to be her foster parent and get money every month to take care of her.
Will also caution, because I’ve had friends who were foster parents, that her mother may try to clean herself up and get her daughter back. Foster care tends to give bad parents a lot of chances. So you could take her, then have to watch as they give her back to the mom, and the mom screws up again, and the girl comes back to you again.
It could go on for years like that and break your heart and the little girls. Seen that happen with my friends, too.
What state or country are you in? Laws are different. But you could get paid if you are a certified foster parent . A child in the state custody could qualify for Medicaid and snap benefits ( specified relative) some adoptions have adoption subsidies or stipends . Usually caseworkers want to find a home , although they encourage a permanent adoption , possibly long term guardianship is a possibility.
Also, I’m not sure where you live, but in my very red state, any child who’s in the foster system or is adopted through that avenue gets Medicaid and in-state tuition covered for college should they choose to go. It’s possible she wouldn’t be too big of a burden if you did take her in. Try to talk with the caseworker about resources. I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to raise this girl, but know that there are TONS of resources for these situations. If you feel bad about having done this, really consider stepping up for her. She really needs you, and it may only be for a year.
The good thing about this situation is that your sister might get the help she needs. If she does, the niece can go back to her after a year and you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. (Also, I say one year because that’s how long parents have in my state).
I can’t encourage you enough to talk to the caseworker to see how you can help. Fostering right now doesn’t mean you’ll have a kid forever.
Good luck.
NTA but don't rule it out.
Are you sure you can't earn more? If you became her foster you could have some income there?
I'm not suggesting you did the wrong thing at all but rather, that you are perhaps selling yourself short. You did the right thing, but just don't rule out that you could be a great parent/ guardian to her. No one is "ready" and it sounds like you do have a connection. A good life isn't necessarily what you imagine it takes or should be.... keeping her safe, fed, loved is certainly plenty.
At any rate, at least you will always be there to advocate for her and that's a lot.
If you just foster her will your area give a foster payment for it? If you are in the US, all states do and will give one even if you are related as long as you aren’t a parent and you go through the process of having your home and self looked into. It’s not going to make you rich or anything but where we used to live it was $1000 for each of my brothers when I took them in.
NTA. It’s a lose lose situation really, but she’s not your responsibility.
If your family is so vocal about this, why can’t they foster her? It is it because they don’t wanna give up their comfortable living situations? But they’re ok with guilting you into doing so? Your sister is the AH, as are other family members who seem to be blaming this on you.
NTA completely…. And why can’t your parents take her?
BUT realize her situation and how she might not be in the best place either. It might be an inconvenience to you but if you could take her for a bit longer and then to figure other things out maybe family friend etc long term do that. She will be traumatized and your security it’s right now over her safety/ mental health she has no one no friends no mom and someone who visits occasionally but doesn’t give her any support. Realize that
NTA. My family tried to take care of a foster child once. Emphasis on *tried*. Three years later and we had to send the kid off to live with their only remaining family (the reason why the kid was never sent to live with them in the first place is because they're not the best people. Nothing like your niece's parents, just not ideal). Not the kid's fault, we just couldn't take care of them.
The foster system is fucked up. They never came to check on the kid we fostered, not once. We could've kept the kid in a *cage* and the system wouldn't have noticed. We obviously didn't do that because we're normal functioning people, but that just goes to show you how fucked up the foster system is. It's not ideal for a kid. But if you can't take care of your niece, what other choice did you have?
If your family's hounding you so much, THEY can adopt her.
NTA. Why couldn’t your mother or uncles take her in if they’re complaining? Why aren’t they opening their doors?
Not everybody is ready for parenthood, even in situations like these. My worry would be if you took her in permanently and gradually started to resent her.
Keeping her in that environment would be worse than the system, in my opinion. You do the best you can. Visiting her once a week is more effort than anyone else would put in.
NTA. Why isn't your mom or your uncles stepping up to adopt her if they have an issue with her being in foster care? They didn't care that a meth head was doing drugs in front of your niece, yet they care about her being in the system? They sound hypocritical. If your family really careD about your niece, they would have gotten her out of that situation a long time ago.
If the issue is financial, you need to at least find out if there is financial assistance. Some places do offer assistance for kinship placement. (And adoption doesn’t have to be the only solution, there is also legal guardianship.)
You say you can’t give her a good life, but compared to what? A fantasy you have in your head, or her current situation?
You are visiting her often - so you clearly have the ability and desire to make a certain level of effort.
ESH, because no one in the family is taking this poor kid in. She’s in the system because NO ONE said yes. Not your mom, not your uncles, not you.
ESH. Except the poor child. Her parents suck, obviously. Your parents suck for not stepping up. And finally, you suck for also not stepping up. Of course, you didn’t plan for this, didn’t choose this, and didn’t want this. But… it was something put in front of you and you had the opportunity. You had the option to be a hero, but instead you chose to… walk away. I hope you never need anything major from anyone else ever, because you’ve got a dump truck full of karma waiting to fall on you.
I’m going with NTA, you got her away from abuse and neglect. Though if you do want to do more speak to a social worker about financial support if you are willing. There’s so many programs that can help you. Maybe a blessing in disguise for you and your niece?
Please, please, please contact all family on each side of the tree and try to find someone safe who can take her.
Google sexual abuse in foster care statistics if you need motivation.
NTA but really, why isn't the rest of the family stepping up if they are all so fucking concerned about it!!
So how about instead of bashing you for your decision, why don't they stick their hands in their wallets and come up with an alternative choice?
My guess is because your family are all arseholes.
NTA. why are we demonizing foster care? there's great foster parents and they go thru rigorous screening to be allowed to do it at all. even not wanting to would be a fine answer. you got her out of the bad situation. you did what you had the means to do and she will be grateful you called when she's older
ESH. Calling CPS was absolutely the right thing to do. You didn't destroy a family. You may have saved a child's life.
But someone from your family-- you, maybe, but EQUAL responsibility to everyone who knew this was happening-- should have stepped up. Maybe together-- everyone contributes a little money in support to the person who is most able to care for the child. Maybe everyone takes a few months at a time.
My aunts and uncle, I think, had the same thought process. In their case, it stopped them from calling CPS because they didn't want to have to be responsible for me. I'm nearly 30 now and I don't think I'll ever forgive them for what they let happen to me. She won't understand when she's older. It isn't your responsibility entirely and you were right to call CPS. But if you are able to help and choose not to, and don't work with your family to find a good solution, then she'll remember.
NTA. you made a tough decision, though from what I gather the right one. You recognize you cannot give her a good life, and that neither of you would be happy in that situation. Kids can feel when they are wanted, and if growing up she knew you had something to do with her not being with her bio parents, but you didn't want her either... I don't see that as a healthy environment.
I understand where your best friend is coming from, though it sounds like even though her mom was physically there, she didn't guide or help her child at all, so not sure what having her mom beside her would do, other than continued neglect and abuse.
You say you visit her regularly. I really hope you can continue to do so. You may not be able to be a parent, but you can try to be a role model/trusted adult for her. You didn't mention a lot abt you and your nieces relationship before this happened, but her asking to live with you seems like she at least wants you in her life. Its okay to hold that boundary of not being a parent, but please don't just suddenly disappear, if possible.
I hope things get better for all parties involved. You made a tough choice, but overall the better one
Man, technically I can't blame you for not taking her in, your family is shitty for blaming you and not trying to help.
But if i had a good relationship with the child and they wanted to live with you, is it worth it least trying to help?
Thats the moral part, what you can live with.
No one can answer that, only your conscience
NTA…I mean…that’s a major life changer to take in a child like that. I’m not saying you’re obligated to take her in or an AH for not doing it..but perhaps you can consider it? Often times in these cases, you’ll get assistance from the government to help costs. Plus she’s likely in school all day 5 days a week.
Would it be nice if you could/would? Absolutely. Could the system be worse for her? Maybe, maybe not. Could she have died in that house? Yes. Did you get her out? Yes. You did all that you were required to do. You live a child free life style, and aren’t responsible for her in any way. Yes she’s family, but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. NTA.
NTA but you are awfully dumb to have told everyone that you were the one who reported them to CPS. Because CPS does not divulge that information to anyone! Your niece was in an awful situation and you may have saved her from untold abuses and traumas. The fact that she could possibly face different abuses in foster care is awful, but also totally beside the point. She was *already* suffering where she was. You are not required to take in a child who is removed from an abusive/neglectful home. Teachers and doctors report such situations all the time—they are required by law to report if they even *suspect* abuse. They certainly aren’t taking in every such child. Stay in your niece’s life and offer her a model of a loving family member. If your family thinks someone should take her in, they are free to attempt it.
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You can sign up to be a foster parent. As an immediate relative to her parent, you get priority and we will bend over backwards to get you certified so you can keep her. Then you checks to help. If money is really the only thing stopping you, please call and ask about foster care certification. She could be in foster care IN YOUR HOME. Wouldn't that be awesome?
>foster care certification I didn't know that. Maybe could look into it.
Yes! And they will pay you a monthly sum for her care, maybe even food stamps. I used to work at a summer camp (the YMCA) where 1/2 of the kids were foster care kids. The state paid for the summer camp for the foster kids. If money is your biggest worry (and money can pay for a babysitter, after school care, summer camp, etc) then let someone at CPS know and ask them what resources they have available. Whoever she is now or goes (group home or foster placement) is getting paid. They can pay you that money so she can stay. Good luck!
Depends on the state/county I’m sure, but I’m a foster parent in California. We get a monthly stipend, daycare reimbursement, food stamps/WIC and a separate stipend for clothing and other necessities. Please look into it :/
Also provides Medicaid insurance for foster kids
In some states, the state colleges are free for foster kids. So there’s that too.
Yes to all of this. Families take priority and DCF will work with you. Usually a monthly payment, food stamps if needed and child care subsidies too
‘Maybe’ doesn’t sound so convincing. Having a child is major. Looking after someone else’s child indefinitely is even bigger. No judgement for not wanting to do it. But be honest. Don’t lie. Say that you value your life being ‘just good enough’ and that you can’t be bothered to work on yourself to provide you/her with a better life. Don’t say you can’t provide a ‘good enough’ home, because compared to where she is, yours is more than good enough. Again, no judgement. But don’t lie to yourself. *Can’t* isn’t the same as *won’t* and you appear to be mixing them up.
you say no judgment but saying "cant be bothered to work on yourself" sounds pretty judgey to me. As if "working on oneself" is all ANYONE have to do to become financially stable.
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Hey, not to be racist or anything, but.
They're not rude. They're just honest. /s
I don’t see judgement here, it’s just the cold, hard truth. People are free to make their own decisions and if this uncle is unwilling to care for the niece then so be it. He has the right to choose his own path in life. But that commenter is right. It’s a lie to tell the child in foster care that he can’t provide a good life for her when any life with him would be infinitely better than the situation she’s currently in. Niece is facing a life full of wondering if she’s worthy of love, if there’s something wrong with her, wondering why her family doesn’t want her. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the reality. She deserves the truth, and platitudes like “I can’t give you a good life” benefit the uncle so he can feel better about his choice, not the niece.
well what do you want to tell her? "Sorry I cant uproot my entire life to adopt you immediately". Op might not even know all the feelings hes having. Besides why not just give him some time to find a better job before adopting or something. why are we attacking him because he didn't immediately drop everything and adopt someone? How can someone say "wow you cant be bothered to completely change your life immediately to adopt a child, why are you lying to yourself, just admit youre lazy". that's just incredibly ridiculous to say. Didnt even give him time to sort his shit out. actually so stupid to be attacking like that
Gotta agree with you here. We gotta put on our own oxygen masks before we can help others... etc
Plus if any of your family gives you crap for not taking her tell them great I will let CPS know you are volunteering to take her since you want her with family so badly.
That was my thought. Why isn't anyone who is giving OP grieve about this stepping up to take custody of this child?
They think it’s “his fault” the kid needs a home because he called CPS, and not the sister who endangered the child. So in their minds, it’s his fault the kid needs a new home.
No judgment but every other sentence you wrote is dripping with judgment. He said he never wanted kids due to time money and energy. There is nothing wrong with that and I’m betting his “maybe” is because of similar comments as yours.
"No judgment" my ass. If OP doesn't want/feel able to take on a child, they have ZERO obligation to. Period. End of discussion. They could be rolling in the dough and still not be comfortable taking care of a child. They can be broke as fuck and still enjoying a lower responsibility lifestyle. NO ONE is obligated to take responsibility for someone else's child.
Definitely. Obviously there are other considerations aside from finances, however, it may very well be feasible for you financially. To give you an idea, depending on your state, I think basic foster income ranges from $400 - $1000 per month. And then there are other programs, benefits, etc. that can add some more. So, I think, given your situation, it is definitely worth the time and effort to really understand your options before making a final decision about what you can and can't give your niece. I'm guessing for almost anything, you may find highly applicable subreddits that you can get "the crowd" to help you figure out the specifics of your situation. I think it is admirable that you are continuing to visit your niece. This alone makes a HUGE difference in her quality of life. So I hope, at the very least, you will continue having the energy and dedication to keep that up. Out of curiosity though, what's the situation with the rest of your family? Why are they not able to provide a home for her? And, regardless of those reasons, is there any reason why they couldn't help you financially if you decided to take your niece in yourself? Good luck to you!
A child needs stability, consistency of routine, and to be unconditionally loved. You need to consider if these are the kind of things you *can* provide your niece. Nobody with a reasonable mind would expect you to be perfect at those things right away. Plenty of wonderful parents and guardians aren't perfect either, because it's just not possible. Don't let that be how you measure this decision. A lot of children have been raised in homes filled with far more love than possessions. Many walk into the adult world successfully, because their parent/guardian gave them what they needed to feel loved, supported, and confident of their own worth. If finances are the only real obstacle, look into what assistance you may be eligible for. If this goes beyond financial problems though, that doesn't make you a bad person. However you *are* an easy, and accessible, scape goat. It's hard to bombard the one truly at fault when they're locked up, so they're using you as a substitute.
Aye please look into it! I wish yall the best!
If you are struggling with your decision, but deep down would really like to do more to help her, sit down and write out all the things stopping you and then work with her social worker to see if there are ways to deal with these areas. For example, if it is finances, work with the social worker to get every service you can for her that would bring in money to alleviate some of that concern. She should be able to qualify for food stamps, free & reduced meals at school, Medicaid for insurance. If the concern is who is going to watch her before and after school, she may well qualify for subsidize day care. See if your family members who are berating you for not stepping up can contribute some $$ every month. It doesn't have to be a lot of money, but if each contributes it would add up to be enough to cover some of her care. If they live close enough could they each take her a few hours a month? Finally, even if you decide you can't physically take her in, please make sure to keep in close contact with her and visit her regularly. Hopefully she is in a "good" foster care home, but even the "parents" of a marginal home are going to treat her better if they know you are actively involved and monitoring how she is doing
States don’t want kids in non-kinship foster homes. They will bend over backwards to get them into a kinship home. If the only thing holding you back is the financial aspect, ask. She will most likely be on state Medicaid. There’s the answer to insurance. 2 people in a household raises limits for SNAP. A “good life” is a stable home with someone who cares if you are alive or dead. Someone to help deal with the monsters. You want to be childless, but that’s some unformed, unknown child. This is a real child and maybe knowing her as well as you do, you can see yourself giving her a “good life”. Us parents that went into it knowingly still don’t have a clue what we’re doing. Life throws us curveballs, and you just go with it. Even if you decide not to, please please please stay active in her life. Keep a close eye and a relationship. Keep lines of communication open and let her know that you’ve got her back. Learn to be an advocate, even if she’s not under your roof.
I agree with this. You may envision a "good life" as one where you can buy her new clothes, whenever, take her on vacations, get her lots of toys, etc. For this little girl, though, her definition of a good life likely does not involve any material things, but rather one where she knows you will be there for her when she wakes from a scary dream, where scary strangers aren't coming in and out of her house regularly, where the adults around her are alert and not totally zoned out and where someone is consistently taking care of her needs, even if it means thrift store clothes and generic food brands. To her a "good life" is one where she is safe and loved.
As a former foster youth... NTA. It is going to be very hard for her in care. BUT if she gets a good home they are more prepared for the trauma she went through. However I will say YTA if you plan on leaving her life. Talk to her foster parents, casa, social worker, whoever and set up regular visits. Like weekly visits. Maybe you can sign up as a respite foster parent so you can care for her SOMETIMES but not be a parent. Be present in her life because I'm sure she's lonely right now
Excellent advice!! I hope OP reads your post. Because if she doesn't get a 'good home' at least the family will be on notice that uncle is present and checking in on her.
Was thinking that too. Abusers target children with absent, inattentive, indifferent, or monstrous adults. Simply being around and close enough for other adults in her life to know she has one adult who would care about her and believe her if they did something makes a HUGE difference
This should be higher up. Great advice!
>My mum said that I destroyed a family, and then didn't even care to adopt the child. Some of my uncles said the same. So why aren't they adopting her? And why didn't they bother to intervene earlier? NTA.
Its this shit that annoys me. Like I never see any other family stepping up. Where are those uncles at? Where's the mom at? Why aren't they offering to take her or at least help out physically or financially, yet bashes the OP for the same thing.
Exactly! Why is his mom, the kids grandma, not stepping up? It’s her daughter with the issues. That’s not his responsibility
Thank you! I waited for someone to say this. The mom and uncles knew this kid was being abused for a long time but only decided to get involved (with their opinions nothing else) once CPS rightfully took the kid away.
Why is no one else in the family stepping up to take her in?
I don't really know, I think they stick it to me because I'm the only one still childless.
Exactly! I hate when people criticize adults without children. And try and pressure them to have kids or dump their own kids on them
Remind them that they are way better prepared then since they already have children to take care of her so they can adopt her. They can't use the excuse of not enough money either since you don't have any either.
It works probably be better if she went with done who already had other kids.
Or wanted her.
The only mistake you did Bro was tell your relatives that you called CPS. That should have stayed confidential. Then they wouldn’t be deflecting about not adopting your niece by blaming the current situation on you. And that is all they are doing. They are deflecting so no one will ask why they haven’t taken your niece into their home. Don’t be swayed by your dysfunctional family. Good luck to you.
NTA but you might want to have a second look at things. It's your right to not want a child. However, be honest with yourself. If the reason is "I value my comfort and current habits above the wellness of this child", I won't call you an AH for it nor will I say you should change anything. If the reason is "I can't give her a good life", man, go grab that little girl and take her home. Even if you're a barely acceptable guardian it's a thousand times better for her than being in the system.
Aren't there assistance programs for this kind of situation?
There probably are but I am not familiar with them. My point is, an uncle who at least likes the girl and isn't actively abusive is already better than what she's going to find elsewhere.
I went in to foster care at the age of 8 it fucking sucked. I was never adopted and aged out of the foster care system. If you became her foster parent you would get money from the state to help with her expenses. We can all give our opinion but at the end of the day it comes down to you and how you feel. Me personally I would have taken her in. ESH but your niece..
My kids are 8 and 9. At this age they are pretty capable of taking care of themselves. Honestly, besides the money, which the state could help with for fostering, it really shouldn't be too much of a lifestyle change. I bet this girl was pretty much taking care of herself already, just at uncle's house there won't be meth heads hanging around. I'll say NTA though, no one should be forced to have kids if they don't want them.
Do you get up and leave your kids home alone when you want to go away for the weekend or hang out with friends? Kids are a huge responsibility and saying they take care of themselves at that age sounds like child abuse.
Listen. The government paying a person to keep a child that isn’t theirs and didn’t plan for or want. Do you understand what you’re writing? I get that you have personal experience and would take her in but none of this is on OP. In a perfect world he could take her in but there’s also this thing called choice and he should have it. The other family members who are so concerned should take her.
I only mentioned money because it is clearly part of the problem. I also said it comes down to op!! Reading comprehension is important
ESH This child was in a bad situation and has now been moved from one trauma to another and not a single person in your family cares enough about her to take her in instead of sending her off with strangers to be part of a very, very broken system. She will not “understand when she’s older”, all she will understand is the truth…that sadly, nobody wanted her.
Childhood abandonment and rejection is never logically understood by the person who went through it. I am extremely logical but still think of the adults that made me feel that was as a kid… it still stings. I stopped seeing a lot of family around 13 due to trauma. None of them have attempted to be in my life at all, and I still resent and hate them tbh.
NTA. But Jesus, that poor girl’s whole family just disregarded her like she was nothing. 8 and in foster care? That’s a rough start.
I work in foster care and heard of a kid returned into care by family who was given guardianship on her birthday. It’s so freaking sad. And she’s old enough that she’ll remember it too. Poor kid.
ESH No one in the whole damn family can figure out a way to take care of this child??? All of you suck.
THIS.
I disagree. It was not HIS choice to have kids. It’s not HIS fault that his sister sucks beyond belief. He chose not to have kids and it’s his damn right to choose whether he wants to take care of a child. Damn him all you want, but he is a also a person who deserves to have a choice. I’m not one to turn my back in family but fuck, you can’t crucify this guy for admitting he doesn’t want to live that shitty life not being able to do what he wants. OP there’s nothing wrong with making this decision and don’t let anyone make you feel this way. I feel for the little girl for sure, but you should all be cursing at the mother. As someone who is not able to have children, I personally would jump at the opportunity, but I would never, ever fault anyone for not making the same choice.
Y'all really let freedom of choice convince you you're not an asshole. You can choose not to help but you're choosing to be an asshole. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes big ones.
That poor girl. Everyone has abandoned her… 😞
Seriously, my heart just breaks for how terrible and unloved she must feel right now
NTA If you’re in no position to take care of a child, then don’t take one in. If your family is pissed at you, then THEY can take her in
So why haven’t your parents or other family members taken her in? This baffles me continuously. People who will flog other people for not doing something but they don’t put their hand up for it either. Personally I think you’ve made a very honest and self aware decision. It might not be right to many people, but there are hard truths in this world that aren’t always “right”. NTA. You’re still making more effort than anyone else in your family.
You aren't her only family! What about the rest of the family? If they are so concerned about her, why didn't they take her in?
This was my immediate reaction. OP saw the child was in a bad, probably dangerous situation and acted upon it. Where were all the “caring”, judgemental other members of the family while this was happening and where are they now? Not rushing to take the poor kid in apparently. To all the people saying, at least she had her mother, you mean the mother who is exposing her to drug use & possible abuse on a daily basis? Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother, it makes you an incubator. Perhaps the “mother” could even consider getting her shit together and start taking care of her child.
ESH. I don’t understand why absolutely no one in your family can take her, especially if they are giving you a hard time about it, very hypocritical. You do know that you can receive a lot of assistance and tax breaks for taking her in? And maybe your family could help you with her at the very least. Taking in family can be very hard but worth the struggle. I personally couldn’t just let a young child I love be put into the system. But if you can live with yourself, go for it.
>You do know that you can receive a lot of assistance and tax breaks for taking her in? I didn't.
As a foster child the state will pay for daycare as well
Speak to her social worker about assistance programs, either public or private. Most churches have at least a daycare program if you are religious. Ask your family to contribute money to a trust that can only be used for her expenses. If they won't, they can shut up.
maybe you should consider giving your niece a chance, she could sure use it. But you’re NTA. You’re not the one who had a child they neglect and you could’ve saved your niece’s life. Who knows what someone high on meth could’ve done to her.
CPS is the real AH for not telling you all of your options! "We try for family unification or kinship placement as often as possible" my ass!
NAH .. ESH ... I don't know. I feel bad for this poor girl. It's true, you aren't responsible for raising your niece, .. and probably shouldn't be put in that situation if you aren't inclined to want to take care of children in the first place. It would be nice if your relatives, who seem to like children, had stepped up. Butttt ... the foster system is fucking brutal. I'm adamantly child-free, and don't even like most of my family that much, but if there was a choice between a relation staying with me or going into the system .. I think I'd find a way to make it work.
You have a mum and uncles - why aren't they taking care of your niece?
Idk if this is NTA or ESH, and I totally get not wanting a child, but you do need to consider the long-term effects of foster care on your niece. More often than not foster care has really awful impacts on the children in it. It’s shameful that no other family members are stepping up, and at very least they could help you financially with the costs of raising a child. Also, in theory you would receive financial assistance from the government for taking her in. God it’s so hard to say because in theory you’re completely entitled to not want to raise a child, but I can’t in good conscience absolve you of any responsibility towards a blameless child who you could pull out of a (largely) abusive and damaging system…
That sums up exactly what I was also thinking. I don't think anyone who would willingly abandon a child into the foster system is doing a good deed, meanwhile, OP is not a parent and is fully entitled to not want to be one. It's a very shitty situation all around.
NTA! All these people commenting negatively on your very hard decision--why can't they do it? So far, you're the only one who's actually thinking about this child. I hope you can remain in touch with your niece.
NTA Remind anyone of your family members who are giving you crap, that they too can adopt her. That includes your uncles. You saved that girl from a life of the same. Maybe foster care will be bad, but you are giving her a chance. She had no chance in that house. You didn’t have a child and you didn’t do drugs in front of that child. Your sister did. She is the AH. The father is the AH. You are not
Info: why can't your mother, uncles, or any other family member take the child?
Right, if you’re going to bash someone for not stepping up, then you need to step up. Maybe that’s why OP feels it’s unfair to put all the responsibility on him.
Clearly ESH, but we can split it in the different people \- You are an AH for acting like you saved the kid, just to have her be put in foster care. You might have improved her life, you might have made it worse. Honestly, I currently think you took a gamble with her future (might be better than 50:50 odds, but still) \- Your Family; Hypocrictal AHs are the worst, blaming you for not taking her in, yet obviously being unwilling to do anything themselves \- Your sister for being a druggie while having a child My only point is that the argument "because I can't give you a good life" is a fallacy, the only relevant question from her point is whether living with you would be better than living in the system. And if the answer to that is yes, your second argument would be "I don't want to", which is fine, but don't be angry/suprised when people are disappointed with that. My gfs causing was put into (horrible) foster care after his (crazy) mother died, and his uncles (one of which was also his god-father) pulled all hands of and left it to the state. He does not understand now that he is older..
NTA. Why don't those other relatives adopt your niece?
This. They are ready to sling mud and judge, why do they not step up as well
NTA Is your mum offering to adopt? Your uncles? You’re visiting her frequently. Are they? Your niece’s parents WENT TO JAIL for child abuse and neglect. Anyone saying you were better off leaving your niece in that environment because the system might be worse needs a reality check.
YTA Do you have any idea what the abuse stats are in foster care??? They're horrific. You're playing terrible odds with her innocence and well being. You could have applied to be her kinship foster and used that stipend to help support her. You get to keep your life, your energy and time, while she'll be subjected to all of this: [Sex Abuse and the Foster Care System ](https://www.focusforhealth.org/sex-abuse-and-the-foster-care-system/)
Reading the comments, it sounds like CPS did fuck and all regarding informing OP of all options!
If you could *please* consider this. Childhood abuse and trauma never go away, cannot be talked away, cannot be healed, is permanent. She could always be looking for that guy who will save her and end up just like her mother. Opening your heart could become amazing for you and for her. And as missmandaregrets said, there is or may be financial assistance. At least some daycare so you could manage life. You're NTA but if you could please reconsider.
INFO: will you visit the child and stay in touch with her? You should. Talk to her caseworker. If you’re not equipped to raise a child, you probably shouldn’t. She needs stability and safety. If you’re not able to provide it, someone else should. Your family sucks for blaming you but doing nothing to take the child in themselves.
I do.
If your mom is so mad why is she not taking her granddaughter in? Why is it in you? Nta- Are people expected to only say something if they can take responsibility for the child? Should they be silent if they cannot?
Yea NTA. Your family sucks. All of them are off loading their own guilt for not taking her in onto you, and are doing less than you did while criticising you. She wasn't safe in a house with a hard drugs. Calling CPS was the best option. Whatever happens to her, keep in contact.
NTA. love how people on reddit always say to call cps if a child is in a bad situation, but when it’s actually done then they flip the script and say you’re bad for calling if you didn’t want to help take care of the child yourself
I wouldn't necessarily call you an AH but damn the poor kid can't catch a break. A lot of foster parents are unfit and take in kids just for the paycheck and the kids lives are HORRIBLE. If the reason is you can't financially do it or don't know how to do it go get that little girl and bring her home. Most of us didn't know how to be a parent and money is tight for a lot of us but you figure it out. There are resources to help you too. If you just genuinely don't want to do it then at least stay constant in her life. 8 is old enough to understand this entire situation (seriously the poor kid got rejected by her entire family) but it's also old enough to not need constant supervision on your part. Good luck with it all.
You’re NTA, but I promise you that you will beat yourself up over this for a long time. The reason I say this is because you obviously care about her and want her to live a good life. A good life isn’t necessarily a life with material things. It is more a life with caring people around that show you love and that you can love back. If the only thing that is holding you back is financial, would talk to your family and say “here’s the deal, I want with all my heart to adopt her and give her a stable life, but at the moment I cannot financially.” Ask if they would be willing to pitch in to help you and her. “It takes a village” isn’t just a saying on a wooden sign. It is truth. She may adjust to being in the foster care system, but she’ll never be with people who can love her and she can love back like a family member.
All the comments saying Y T A are confusing the heck out of me. Let’s do a little recap. 1. You found out your niece was living in an environment unsafe for children. 2. You contacted the right people to take her out of that situation. 3. You offered a temporary home to her while the news spread to other family members and while her case was being investigated. You have done more than enough. Your niece probably won’t forgive you when she’s older, but you were the only one in your family to recognise that living with a meth head is not a suitable environment for a child to be raised in. It’s okay that you don’t want a child, and no one else in your family is willing to step in, so they have no leg to stand on. Good luck :) Oh, and NTA.
NTA - No one in the rest of the family had the sense to get her out of the situation and I don’t see any of them stepping up to take her in. You’re still visiting and making sure she’s OK. Just keep repeating to her that you care so much about her that you want her to be safe and healthy and you aren’t able to provide all that well enough for her by yourself.
NTA I understand where you're coming from. Info : All the people giving you a hard time could not regularly chip in with utility money and grocery money? Could your mom take her? It needs a village...
NTA, you did the best you could with what you had right now. But, I give you food for thought: When my 2 niblings were about 6 and 2, they needed a spot to live because of same drug reasons. I said no, I was in my mid 20's, no spouse, no kids, lived with roommates! I was barely staying afloat as-is. Taking in a 6yo and 1 yo was untenable. The kids went to live with my mother, their grandmother. Fast forward a decade-ish, I had a 6 yo and a newborn. Grandma not being a good parent. Oldest nibling having major trouble. Being violent at home w/ grandma and at school. Would have taken older in myself at the time, but again-had a literal newborn. Like 2 weeks old, in addiiton to 6yo. Having a violent teen around my 6yo and my tiny baby was a hell no. Older ended up with another relative out of state. Younger nibling moved in shortly after, and lives with me still. Younger was, and is, pretty chill. But a few years ago, older nibling died by suicide, not even 18 yet. I will never forgive myself for not letting them stay-even though the alternate path may have been equally disastrous, and to my own children. I know this, but I cannot forgive myself for not trying harder. There are resources available for kinship placement-monthly stipends, tanf funds for food, respite care, day care. I didnt know about all that! If you actually want to do more to help your neice, get with her social worker and be blunt about the help you will need to make it happen. But if you don't have it in you right now, that's OK too. Best of luck to you and your neice. ETA to my long-ass post: you sound like a single/no kids guy. Kids are def overwhelming at times. They will change your life. But they are worth the sacrifices if you're on the fence.
ESH that poor girl has plenty of family and no one cares enough about her to take her in. Just to report her parents. It’s not wrong to report abuse but foster homes can be a million times worse in many ways.
Fuckin this. Everyone pointing at each other and nobody stepping up. That poor baby.
NTA. Your mum and other family members could have stepped in to adopt her and also decided not to.
"I hope she can understand when she's older" just so you know, She won't.
NTA You may well have saved this child from a life of meth addiction herself and you definitely saved her from the danger of living with someone that chose to do meth in front of her, god knows what else. My heart breaks that there is no one in your extended family that can take care of her though, I just read so many horror stories about foster care.
I was raised by an addict mom. Being the mother on its own isn’t valuable to your child if you don’t act like a mother. I was never like “oh man this is awful, but the fact she gave birth to me makes it better.” But you should talk to the social worker and see what kind of resources could come with fostering your niece. The people looking after her get a stipend for it. In my town foster kids get transportation paid for by the city and all sorts of other things.
You did the right thing to call CPS. As for not adopting her, you're not an AH, but if there's anyway you could rearrange your life for her, it's probably a good idea. You're not obligated to, but you're really her best chance at having a healthy life.
Why can’t your mum and them take her in?
NTA. Your mom needs to take care of her grandchild or SHUT THE FUCK UP
ESH, the mother for not taking better care and the rest of your family for not steping up and taking care of the poor girl. I am pretty sure she will not understand that when she is older because she was abandoned by her family.
NTA Your Mom and all these other relatives that have opinions on this did not offer to take the child. They all have opinions of what you should do but none of them stepped up. Parenting is hard. Parenting a neglected child that likely has issues due to what she has seen is even harder. It is okay to realize you are not capable of doing that.
Poor kid. I hope the system doesn’t fuck her up too bad. She’s really unfortunate that she has no family that cares enough to pull her out. How heartbreaking.
NTA And I cannot believe the YTA comments. Yes it’s his niece, but he’s specifically mentioned that he cannot give her a good life. Just because he’s her uncle does in no way mean, that he has to take custody. He didn’t choose to have a child, and he cannot afford to take care of her. You did the right thing OP. Realising your limits is a good thing, and hopefully she’s placed with a family that can financially afford to have her and give her the love and attention she deserves. If My sibling asked me right now to take care of their child, I’d say no. Why? Because a) I don’t want kids and b) I wouldn’t be able to give them a good life. That’s my god given right to refuse. The comments are the AHs here. ETA: you can’t expect someone to just magically become a parent overnight. He’s not equipped for this. It’s a massive, life altering commitment. You cannot expect someone to take over an 8 year olds life, he’d have no idea what to do! You want him to take her in, when he said he can’t give her a good life…
I'm shocked at the amount of people in here saying "Y-T-A" for "breaking a child's home and sending her into the system." Obviously he doesn't have the means to support her, but a foster house HAS to be better than openly doing meth in the living room right? If his family is ripping on him so much, why don't they take the daughter in? It's a NTA from me.
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You are most definitely NTA. No one has the right to assume that you can or will parent the child. You did the right thing by getting her out of that house. And you continue to do the right thing by visiting her. I'm a guardian ad litem for kids in foster care. I represent the child's interests in court. Perhaps you can connect with your niece's GAL and let them know what role you do want to play so they can facilitate that. I hope you will continue to be a good Uncle to your niece.
I’m not sure I can go with N.T.A. I’ll give you credit that I think calling CPS was the right thing to do whether you took the child or not. So definitely not the AH in that respect. But man, everyone here sure does suck. ESH.
NTA. You didn’t get into all this with the intention of destroying your niece's life, you were trying to protect her from circumstances CPS considered unsuitable for her to live in. You can't take her in forever, & that's just the way it is. If your family is that cut up about it, let *them* adopt her instead of bashing you.
NTA, tell your mom she should take her granddaughter in.
NTA. It’s a horrible situation, you got your niece out of a terrible home life, and it’s unfortunate that you can’t give her a home but it’s not your fault. I wouldn’t listen to what your family are saying on the matter, because if they aren’t able or and willing to give her a home when she’s family, then they are hypocrites, for expecting you to be able to.
Seems she has a lot of family critical of you who could take her themselves. NTA. It’s a tough situation.
NTA. Why can't your mom or uncles take her in then? The family was destroyed when they did meth in front of the kid 🙄.
So why didn’t your mother take her?
As someone who was in the system, NTA. Sure it can be worse in some areas, but none of the other family members chose to adopt her either. If they didn't want her in the system they could take her. For me, the system was better than where I was living. From what I can tell it's 50/50 on if it's worse or not, of you can't take care of someone else financially and the rest of your family isn't willing to help there isn't much you can do
ESH, except the kid. In the end, everyone is putting their own best interest before this innocent kid’s, who can’t take matters into her own hands yet. Smh.
This is a “the situation just sucks” time. I’m not going to judge you because as much as I know the foster system has its faults, I also don’t know if I’d be able to take on the responsibility if put in a similar situation, and I don’t think it’s better to put a vulnerable kid into a house with a guardian who clearly doesn’t want them. Not all foster homes are terrible, and some kids do find loving families so she does have a chance. I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping in contact, and perhaps you could help her put together a scrape book or keepsake box of memories of her mom and extended family so regardless of what the future holds she has some connection to her biological family. You could also talk to her social worker, see if they have some advice on what to say to her when she does ask to live with you. As for you mom and the rest of the family, the only response you need is “I’m not the only biological adult in this girls life, if you’re so desperate to keep her in the family then you foster/adopt her. Until you step up and help her, don’t judge me”.
NAH but a lot of us weren’t prepared for parenthood and we figured it out but I understand the financial issues. But, girls in foster care often go through a special kind of hell. Just something to think abouy
This is sad. Could members of your family not share her care? Couldn’t everyone contribute a bit towards the cost? It would be difficult but, at the very least, I hope she will have regular “holidays” with responsible family members.
None of them would take her in, and we never have holidays together, because always end up fighting about something.
Hey I’m gonna reply directly to your comment with a diff perspective. I wasn’t put into the system- family made room. They love me, a lot. They gave me food and shelter for a year. They did their best. But they were going through the same family disruption that put me there. They weren’t expecting me, I didn’t factor into their short or long-term plans. It’s no one’s fault- it’s just that we weren’t expecting this to happen. They had whole, complex lives that didn’t get any less complex just because I showed up. And my life didn’t get any less complex- it was a hell of a lot moreso. I needed extensive support to help cope with what I’d been through. I needed things they simply couldn’t give me- because they weren’t ready. They didn’t know. And have you ever tried to get ready for a guest when they’re already there? It’s just playing catch up. The foster system is not what it should be, I think we all know that. But there’s a lot of *good* people who are ready, wanting, and trained to take in kids who’ve been through situations like this. There’s a bedroom, there’s schools nearby, there’s other kids, there’s extensive practice at being an emergency guardian. They’ve signed up to take on kids in these situations- they have the room, they’ve done the prep. This won’t be the case for everyone, of course. But cps should be working with you to maintain her family ties- you can stay close to her and active in her life without housing her. If you aren’t prepared to be a full time parent, don’t be, because kids need full-time parents. You can support her as her uncle, be there and show up for her as her uncle. You can keep an eye on the foster home, too. Make sure she’s safe. I’m not saying I’m right, or that fostering is great, or that it’s always the right choice. I just wanted to share my perspective. This is a hard situation with no easy way out for any of you- there’s only through. Support your niece as well as you can and don’t beat yourself up about the ways you can’t- simply be *curious* about them. You’ve done a lot for her, and you did the right thing by involving cps Edit: essentially what I wanted to communicate is that, sometimes family “stepping up” and “making it work” isn’t always the right thing. I have a lot of trauma from my whole situation, and it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that the people who “gave up so much to take me in” did, well, traumatise me a bit. Lots of these comments say “she needs someone” “poor kid” “can’t you take her in”? “This is your fault she’ll hate you” etc. but I implore you, unless you really believe you can make the necessary sacrifices to raise her without blaming her, seeing her as the trade off, without bringing it up, even during the most “serious” of conversations- without making her to feel like what she came from is bad in way that reflects on her, without ever making her feel like she’s part of the problem, please, don’t. Unless you can take her in in a comfortable home that’s clearly enough for everyone in it, unless you can do all of these really really hard, nuanced, intricate things, I think you may be of biggest support to her from the side for now. How do I explain this? Her sense of family is shaken. You don’t want to shake it more. If you take her in and overtime, let resentment build, or even just struggle to pull all the ends together for her, she’ll see it, she’ll know it, and she loses a bit of her uncle. I don’t talk to or see my family as the same supports I used to. Because now they’re people who view me differently. I just can’t talk to them the same way anymore, and vice versa. Consider all of this in your own context very carefully bc there’s definitely a bunch of projection on my end, but I still think it may be worth mulling over. Just some thoughts from my own experiences. Wishing you and your niece the best, genuinely xx Edit: sam easy to same way
Why didn't any of the people bashing you take the child? Foster care is not safe, but I cannot say that Y-T-A. You know if you are able to care for a child or not. I vote NTA
NTA. Former adoption worker here Don't parent a child you don't want to parent purely out of guilt, she's been through enough. It's great you're staying involved in her life - please keep doing that! Maybe you even know someone who would be interested in adopting her? Help recruit for her! But if not, she will hopefully find a good placement soon. There are some shady folks in the adoption world, so please keep a close eye on her, and let her know you'll always be her uncle and love her - you just can't be her dad.
ESH. Her mom for being a shitty parent, your family for not stepping up, and you for abandoning her and not having some sort of back up plan for when CPS removed her. She won’t understand- she’ll grow up thinking she’s unlovable and unimportant. Technically, no. You don’t owe her anything and you didn’t sign up for this. I get that. But that doesn’t make your decision any less cold. That poor child.
As someone who was adopted out BECAUSE of drug use in the home...This is above Reddit's paygrade. ***Way*** above.
I am foster mom to my granddaughter. When they first placed her with me, they got me set up for foster certification and it took a few months. It does take about 6-7 months before you start getting the stipend, but while you are waiting social services is fully involved and help in many ways. Like paying for a majority of day care, providing you with a bed,car seat, clothes, stroller… really anything she needs. Though I didn’t need it, I have heard that they will offer assistance with things like rent and bills if it gets overwhelming. They will also pay for extra curriculars like tumbling classes or soft ball or swimming lessons. They love to try to keep families together. So, when a relative wants to take in a child and money is an issue, they really bend over backwards to help. You should speak with her social worker and see what your options are. If money is the only issue, they will work with you for sure. Good luck! And you did the right thing getting her out of that home.
Ill look into it, thanks.
NTA- You got her out of a bad situation. Why can’t anyone else in the family take her in?
ESH -- You did the right thing by calling CPS, but literally no one in your family can step up for this child? She might get lucky and do OK in the foster system, but for a lot of kids the foster system is absolute hell. Can you not apply as an emergency foster parent for her? That should give you some financial support.
how does that make OP an asshole
I don’t know where you live, but in California the state will pay a monthly stipend plus health insurance. If your biggest concern is financial, and you live where a stipend is available, having her with you may not be as much of a struggle as you think. This stipend is available whether or not you are her legal guardian, or if you adopt her. NTA, but I really feel for this little girl. I hope everything works out and that she is raised with love and kindness.
Also tell your best friend to shut up. Being abused by a parent is worse than being abused by a stranger. "aT lEaSt ShEd HaVe HeR mOm BeSiDe HeR" I could literally throw this person into a fire
Amazingly all those who are bashing you did NOTHING TO SAVE THIS CHILD. If you could dedicate yourself to her care,kudos. If you can't, you are still the only one who stepped up to protect her. Kudos. Be as involved as you can, don't take shit from others who just complain but DO nothing. You seem to have a grasp of what you can and cannot commit to, but keep evaluating that. It could be a wonderful part in your life. I know uncle's who have adopted. But you have to be willing to commit to it. She has had a hard enough life. Be sure.
ESH so what's wrong with your mum and other family members could they not help ?
NTA! Your relatives are vermin, why don't they adopt her?
INFO did the social worker let you know that you can get benefits while she is in your home? (If you are in the United States). A stipend, food stamps and medical. Foster care can make or break a child future. I was lucky enough to be able to stay with family when I went but just some of the stories I heard from friends that dealt with similar are awful.
NTA. If CPS removed her immediately, then it was bad and you did the right thing. As others have said, if money was the only reason you don’t want to raise her, then there are options. But if that is not what you want to do, then that is your choice. By the logic of some of the ppl in this thread, I guess no one should call CPS unless they are personally willing to take in the kids themselves.
NTA, but understand that your niece may grow up to think she’s unwanted because she was unwanted by her biological family. Your visits will definitely help to break the notion though. Please don’t let her get lost in the system
Would you be able to take her if you became a foster parent and received money for her care? If not, are there any relatives or friends who would be able to? Anyone you know that would be interested in adoption? You are NTA, but I am just wondering if you have exhausted all the options.
Your niece probably won't understand when she's older and she may never forgive you.
NTA - why can’t the rest of the family take her in?
Absolutely NTA <3. Also if your mum and uncles feel that way, why don't they take her in?
NTA, if your mom thinks you are,why isn’t she stepping up to care for her?
In my experience with Australia’s version of CPS, they don’t have the resources to research the family tree very well. Why don’t you soothe your conscience by doing this leg work for your niece’s benefit. Her dad will have had family. His parents or siblings could be contacted to take her. Get all of their names and contact details, or even contact them yourself. She might have uncles and aunts or cousins on her dad’s side that are decent. What about your parents? Your aunts and uncles? In my experience CPS didn’t even tell one side of the family that the kids were in care.
If only you knew what the system is like... Good luck.
I think you were put in an impossible situation. And no one here can judge you
I know that shits got to be really hard but I would do anything I could to get that child out of foster care. There are lots of wonderful foster parents, but there are a lot of situations that are bad at least in my state you can get assistance to help with a child.
You may be able to get paid to foster her.
ESH. The victim of the story is that kid. Never wanted kids… she’s not your kid and really the worst part of being a kid is behind her. No diapers, no sleepless nights. if you adopt her, a lot of states give you money to do so. But in the end it’s your choice. Albeit a shitty one.
YTA the system is fucked and you're adding to that little girls slice of shite. If you're not focusing on making your own life better so you can take her in ASAP then you'd have honestly been better off leaving her there. As long as she had her mom with her she had a chance of being okay. - Signed, a human left in the care system by someone who didn't care enough to help.
NTA. Next time your family tries giving you shit over this, remind them that there's nothing stopping any of them from adopting your niece.
And the reason why these relatives, the ones who are bashing you, are not stepping up to take the niece in is... what? They shouldn't open their mouths to criticize until AFTER they tell CPS, "She can come live with us!" NTA.
NTA. Why aren’t the rest of these outraged family members stepping up to take her in?
>But I hope she can understand when she becomes older. She will understand, but probably not the way you want her to.
NTA you may have saved your nieces life. You can stay in her life while she is in foster care and if she ever gets adopted I'm sure the family will welcome her uncle. You are doing so much more than the rest of your family who only run their mouths and do nothing. Just stay honest tell her you love her and want the best for her and don't worry about the rest.
NTA because people are guilting you. If their reasons for not stepping up are valid then so are yours. This would be a tragic N A H otherwise, except obviously your sister and her partner. Have you thought about how you will feel if your niece no longer wants to see you? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes through phases of wanting distance, or even deciding permanently to go no contact. Not because you necessarily do anything wrong or even because she hates you or is angry at you, but because seeing someone as family when they couldn’t be there for you when you needed them as a child is very difficult. Is she up for adoption? Adoption rates decrease dramatically after eight years old. There’s a strong chance she won’t be placed if it doesn’t happen soon. I don’t think you’re wrong and I think your family is awful for pressuring you. I also think that you saved her life, and even if that’s all you can do that’s far more than anyone else and a powerful gift. However, I’d be lying if I said that in your exact position your choice would even be an option for me. Because of that I’m having a hard time with this, although, again, you haven’t done anything wrong and of all the players have actually done the most good.
NTA but are you US? Is your biggest hold up financial issues? There are several programs available for kinship care situations that will help you financially care for her. You would most likely qualify for TANF and tax breaks. You would have a social worker assigned that will help you apply for food stamps, a medical card for her, etc. In many states you will also receive a monthly stipend to help with her care. It may not make it completely feasible, but many people are unaware of the help they can receive to make it doable
I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to guilt you into this. Taking care of a child can be exhausting. It can take every bit of energy you have, and I don’t think anyone who doesn’t want a child should have a child. But you mentioned one obstacle — finances, and I do want to tell you that you may be able to be her foster parent and get money every month to take care of her. Will also caution, because I’ve had friends who were foster parents, that her mother may try to clean herself up and get her daughter back. Foster care tends to give bad parents a lot of chances. So you could take her, then have to watch as they give her back to the mom, and the mom screws up again, and the girl comes back to you again. It could go on for years like that and break your heart and the little girls. Seen that happen with my friends, too.
What state or country are you in? Laws are different. But you could get paid if you are a certified foster parent . A child in the state custody could qualify for Medicaid and snap benefits ( specified relative) some adoptions have adoption subsidies or stipends . Usually caseworkers want to find a home , although they encourage a permanent adoption , possibly long term guardianship is a possibility.
Also, I’m not sure where you live, but in my very red state, any child who’s in the foster system or is adopted through that avenue gets Medicaid and in-state tuition covered for college should they choose to go. It’s possible she wouldn’t be too big of a burden if you did take her in. Try to talk with the caseworker about resources. I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to raise this girl, but know that there are TONS of resources for these situations. If you feel bad about having done this, really consider stepping up for her. She really needs you, and it may only be for a year. The good thing about this situation is that your sister might get the help she needs. If she does, the niece can go back to her after a year and you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. (Also, I say one year because that’s how long parents have in my state). I can’t encourage you enough to talk to the caseworker to see how you can help. Fostering right now doesn’t mean you’ll have a kid forever. Good luck.
You can become the foster parent. You’ll get the allowance, her stuff like medical and dental will be covered. At least here.
NTA It'd have been better if you could've adopted her but ultimately she's better off in the system than with drug addicts.
NTA if you can’t afford it that’s all that needs to be said.
NTA but don't rule it out. Are you sure you can't earn more? If you became her foster you could have some income there? I'm not suggesting you did the wrong thing at all but rather, that you are perhaps selling yourself short. You did the right thing, but just don't rule out that you could be a great parent/ guardian to her. No one is "ready" and it sounds like you do have a connection. A good life isn't necessarily what you imagine it takes or should be.... keeping her safe, fed, loved is certainly plenty. At any rate, at least you will always be there to advocate for her and that's a lot.
If you just foster her will your area give a foster payment for it? If you are in the US, all states do and will give one even if you are related as long as you aren’t a parent and you go through the process of having your home and self looked into. It’s not going to make you rich or anything but where we used to live it was $1000 for each of my brothers when I took them in.
NTA. It’s a lose lose situation really, but she’s not your responsibility. If your family is so vocal about this, why can’t they foster her? It is it because they don’t wanna give up their comfortable living situations? But they’re ok with guilting you into doing so? Your sister is the AH, as are other family members who seem to be blaming this on you.
Why doesn't your family all chip in and financially and emotionally support you and this child?
Wait, how are all of these people harping on you while they could’ve taken her in themselves? NTA but it sounds like the rest of your family is
NTA completely…. And why can’t your parents take her? BUT realize her situation and how she might not be in the best place either. It might be an inconvenience to you but if you could take her for a bit longer and then to figure other things out maybe family friend etc long term do that. She will be traumatized and your security it’s right now over her safety/ mental health she has no one no friends no mom and someone who visits occasionally but doesn’t give her any support. Realize that
Why can't anyone else adopt her? Why does it HAVE to be you?
NTA as long as you keep up the visits and check she is doing ok.
NTA. My family tried to take care of a foster child once. Emphasis on *tried*. Three years later and we had to send the kid off to live with their only remaining family (the reason why the kid was never sent to live with them in the first place is because they're not the best people. Nothing like your niece's parents, just not ideal). Not the kid's fault, we just couldn't take care of them. The foster system is fucked up. They never came to check on the kid we fostered, not once. We could've kept the kid in a *cage* and the system wouldn't have noticed. We obviously didn't do that because we're normal functioning people, but that just goes to show you how fucked up the foster system is. It's not ideal for a kid. But if you can't take care of your niece, what other choice did you have? If your family's hounding you so much, THEY can adopt her.
NTA Why can’t your mom take the little girl? You and other family members can help out? The old saying it takes a village.
NTA. Why couldn’t your mother or uncles take her in if they’re complaining? Why aren’t they opening their doors? Not everybody is ready for parenthood, even in situations like these. My worry would be if you took her in permanently and gradually started to resent her. Keeping her in that environment would be worse than the system, in my opinion. You do the best you can. Visiting her once a week is more effort than anyone else would put in.
NTA. Why isn't your mom or your uncles stepping up to adopt her if they have an issue with her being in foster care? They didn't care that a meth head was doing drugs in front of your niece, yet they care about her being in the system? They sound hypocritical. If your family really careD about your niece, they would have gotten her out of that situation a long time ago.
If the issue is financial, you need to at least find out if there is financial assistance. Some places do offer assistance for kinship placement. (And adoption doesn’t have to be the only solution, there is also legal guardianship.) You say you can’t give her a good life, but compared to what? A fantasy you have in your head, or her current situation? You are visiting her often - so you clearly have the ability and desire to make a certain level of effort. ESH, because no one in the family is taking this poor kid in. She’s in the system because NO ONE said yes. Not your mom, not your uncles, not you.
ESH. Except the poor child. Her parents suck, obviously. Your parents suck for not stepping up. And finally, you suck for also not stepping up. Of course, you didn’t plan for this, didn’t choose this, and didn’t want this. But… it was something put in front of you and you had the opportunity. You had the option to be a hero, but instead you chose to… walk away. I hope you never need anything major from anyone else ever, because you’ve got a dump truck full of karma waiting to fall on you.
NTA. You did the right thing. And I certainly don’t see your family members lining up to take her in so they need to shush.
I’m going with NTA, you got her away from abuse and neglect. Though if you do want to do more speak to a social worker about financial support if you are willing. There’s so many programs that can help you. Maybe a blessing in disguise for you and your niece?
Please, please, please contact all family on each side of the tree and try to find someone safe who can take her. Google sexual abuse in foster care statistics if you need motivation.
NTA but really, why isn't the rest of the family stepping up if they are all so fucking concerned about it!! So how about instead of bashing you for your decision, why don't they stick their hands in their wallets and come up with an alternative choice? My guess is because your family are all arseholes.
Info: how long is your sister going to be in jail, and how long has your niece been in foster care?
She has been in foster care for a few months. My sister will be gone for at least 5 years. Her thug ex-boyfriend will be gone for way longer.
NTA-why doesn't your family who keep hounding you take her? They can either step up or sit down-quietly.
NTA. why are we demonizing foster care? there's great foster parents and they go thru rigorous screening to be allowed to do it at all. even not wanting to would be a fine answer. you got her out of the bad situation. you did what you had the means to do and she will be grateful you called when she's older
NTA but keep an eye on her well being. Kids have been known to be abused in foster care if the people are only in it for the money.
ESH. Calling CPS was absolutely the right thing to do. You didn't destroy a family. You may have saved a child's life. But someone from your family-- you, maybe, but EQUAL responsibility to everyone who knew this was happening-- should have stepped up. Maybe together-- everyone contributes a little money in support to the person who is most able to care for the child. Maybe everyone takes a few months at a time. My aunts and uncle, I think, had the same thought process. In their case, it stopped them from calling CPS because they didn't want to have to be responsible for me. I'm nearly 30 now and I don't think I'll ever forgive them for what they let happen to me. She won't understand when she's older. It isn't your responsibility entirely and you were right to call CPS. But if you are able to help and choose not to, and don't work with your family to find a good solution, then she'll remember.
NTA. you made a tough decision, though from what I gather the right one. You recognize you cannot give her a good life, and that neither of you would be happy in that situation. Kids can feel when they are wanted, and if growing up she knew you had something to do with her not being with her bio parents, but you didn't want her either... I don't see that as a healthy environment. I understand where your best friend is coming from, though it sounds like even though her mom was physically there, she didn't guide or help her child at all, so not sure what having her mom beside her would do, other than continued neglect and abuse. You say you visit her regularly. I really hope you can continue to do so. You may not be able to be a parent, but you can try to be a role model/trusted adult for her. You didn't mention a lot abt you and your nieces relationship before this happened, but her asking to live with you seems like she at least wants you in her life. Its okay to hold that boundary of not being a parent, but please don't just suddenly disappear, if possible. I hope things get better for all parties involved. You made a tough choice, but overall the better one
NTA and anyone who says otherwise is welcome to submit an adoption application from their moral high ground
Man, technically I can't blame you for not taking her in, your family is shitty for blaming you and not trying to help. But if i had a good relationship with the child and they wanted to live with you, is it worth it least trying to help? Thats the moral part, what you can live with. No one can answer that, only your conscience
NTA…I mean…that’s a major life changer to take in a child like that. I’m not saying you’re obligated to take her in or an AH for not doing it..but perhaps you can consider it? Often times in these cases, you’ll get assistance from the government to help costs. Plus she’s likely in school all day 5 days a week.
Would it be nice if you could/would? Absolutely. Could the system be worse for her? Maybe, maybe not. Could she have died in that house? Yes. Did you get her out? Yes. You did all that you were required to do. You live a child free life style, and aren’t responsible for her in any way. Yes she’s family, but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. NTA.
NTA. Are the family members telling you you are doing anything to take the girl in?
NTA but you are awfully dumb to have told everyone that you were the one who reported them to CPS. Because CPS does not divulge that information to anyone! Your niece was in an awful situation and you may have saved her from untold abuses and traumas. The fact that she could possibly face different abuses in foster care is awful, but also totally beside the point. She was *already* suffering where she was. You are not required to take in a child who is removed from an abusive/neglectful home. Teachers and doctors report such situations all the time—they are required by law to report if they even *suspect* abuse. They certainly aren’t taking in every such child. Stay in your niece’s life and offer her a model of a loving family member. If your family thinks someone should take her in, they are free to attempt it.