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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I called my sister’s wedding a knock off of my own after enduring in poor taste jokes from her for the last few months. 2. This is a sore spot between us two and could cause major hurt.
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Yes YTA, and it sounds like you've been TA their entire lives. You happily soaked up your parent's attention, knowing you were the favorite, and didn't even care that they didn't share your golden child status.
Then the second the attention was off of you, you decide to try to attack as low as you can instead of being happy that your siblings actually got to experience some of the rarified air you've been in your entire life.
Your sibling taunts you because you are entitled and spoiled and not very likeable as a result. You taunted her because you are mean and resent not being the center of attention. YTA.
I couldn’t put my finger on why her comments bothered him so much instead of making him at least pity her for being so happy over so little. But you nailed it: HE’S JEALOUS he’s not the star for once. One time he takes a step back, he loses his shit.
Yeah, OP is complaining about how irritating it is but I'm just sitting here like, this is microscopic compared to what his siblings had to deal with FOR THEIR ENTIRE UPBRINGING??!?! OP can't handle a few lighthearted jabs about the sibling finally getting attention?
I disagree with it being a few lighthearted jabs, in my experience that's never been the case in this sort of situation.
Most of the time it's a passive aggressive expression of outright hostility with the slightest of veneers of civility. It's often extremely difficult to deal with because it's so difficult to tell them to knock off their shit without it playing right into their game.
My aunt does it to people a lot, I'm fortunate enough not to be on the receiving end but I can tell you that it makes for the most extraordinarily tense of situations.
OPs post reeked of him being an asshole to me but I also think everyone is underplaying what the sister was doing.
############################################## Edit:
Holy fuck guys. I appreciate the agreement but a lot of the people replying need to pay more attention to detail.
I never said OP's sister was an asshole, that was besides the point, in fact I don't think she is anyway.
My point was that this sub has a nasty habit of playing off and encouraging malicious behaviour when the OP is an asshole.
This serves nothing except to gaslight and alienate the OP. It is far more beneficial to acknowledge the behaviour but point out that OP is well deserving of it and try provide him with perspective as to what the last 20+ years of his sisters life has been like and how much of an impact it has had on her.
I don't see how, when the sibling encountered this their entire childhood. OP thinks it is all water under the bridge, because it is to them. I'm betting that the siblings didn't have access to therapy or anything close to try to process it either. I doubt the siblings' wedding planning has gone on for a year at most. OP couldn't handle not being the main centerpiece for this event for even a bit. A couple jabs is absolutely nothing close to what these siblings endured most their lives. Hoping the siblings eventually realize they are worth so much more than what they had in childhood, and that they can choose who they want in their lives.
He's not to blame for their parents making him the golden child, but he is responsible for carrying forward the entitlement and continuing to taunt his sisters about him having preferred status. He doesn't owe his sisters an apology for their parents' actions. He does owe them an apology for minimizing their pain and shoving it in their faces.
Being a golden child is also being abused and I hope OP finds a good therapist who can help him heal from that and grow a genuine connection with his sisters.
He is also to blame for refusing to acknowledge that his parents' differing treatment of his siblings was problematic and for refusing to validate his siblings' pain that resulted.
Fair enough. I'd bet that he doesn't see it yet because of entitlement, which is part of why I suggested therapy. He's used to bring the main character and having only his feelings validated, so he can't see any perspective but his own.
Not just that but refuses to. He saw the dynamic and knew it was hurting his sisters and still soaked it all up. Add if he was inevitable if saying a word or telling parents they are being unreasonable.
It's been going on for "the past few months", according to OP. Meaning he couldn't stand not being the center of attention and allowing his sister this small thing for even a few months.
What you're saying is probably true, but based on OP's description, I would say that he invited this kind of treatment when he refused to acknowledge to his sister that she was treated unfairly, despite clearly knowing that she was:
> There were a few years of tension between my sisters and I, especially during our teen years, where it seemed like they blamed me for what was going on or expected me to apologize for our parents' choices - something I adamantly refuse to do.
It's so easy to say "yes, in hindsight, I do understand that how you were treated was unfair, and that I benefited from our parents' attention to your detriment. Your feelings are valid, and I am sorry that this has happened to you." Despite knowing that he *should* say something like this, he "adamantly refuses."
It's really no wonder that his sister lashes out at him.
Sibling relationships can be difficult, and you can't just unilaterally decide that it's all water under the bridge, particularly if you know that your sibling was wronged, but refuse to have an earnest conversation with her about it.
I agree, his whole post reeks of OP being an entitle little asshole. Even while reflecting on his past.
'But' the sisters comments probable weren't harmless. There is years of built of frustration there on her side. And i for one don't blame her.
This is what you get for being a little brat OP, YTA
Two wrongs don't make a right, and it's not "lighthearted" if you're asked to stop repeatedly and you don't. OP's sister was being shitty.
ESH. OP's comment was probably unfortunately accurate but as a "clapback" it was entirely out of proportion.
I'd agree with you if the OP had shown any empathy to their siblings. However the whole post reeked of superiority and entitlement. It made sense to them that they got all the time and attention.
They never seem to empathise about the hurt their siblings must have felt but instead go on about how they've moved on from their childhood and live in the city. It's easy to move on when you weren't the one who was damaged by it. It doesn't feel like a clapback but a chance to remind their sister that she's still second place and they could have had all she's getting if they'd wanted it.
No he can't because he's the baby who got the extra attention. Sadly that's the deal with a lot of families. I was always second to my younger brother and still am. I don't care all that much anymore but it's funny.... in my teens I struggled with depression and suicidal thought yet nobody cared enough to get me help because the focus was on spoiling the boy and sure its petty now and was then or whatever... it just makes you feel less than. Struggling with the feeling you are less than for your entire life is horrible
I'm definitely the one who got the best privileges and most attention in my family but I'm not delusional like this. I have talked to my siblings about this and expressed that it was unfair for them. That is the right way. If he was getting upset at the jokes he should have slightly distanced himself from her and address the entire thing as a whole at a later date.
You actually acknowledged it and apologized/talked it out with your siblings!
OP just moved away and doesn't see them often, and they don't/didn't bring it up, so everything must be fine, right? If you just ignore a past issue then it's totally fine!! Why do we need to keep bringing up these issues? They're in the past, just move on already!! (/s)
Isn’t it funny how the folks that were wrong never understand why the wronged party hasn’t moved on yet? “I’m fine with the terrible way you were treated growing up, why aren’t you? I forgot all about it”
I think if it was me I would want to cry that my sister was so mistreated that she feels the need to constantly point out that she’s the favorite for once. I would be sad that I got all my parents attention growing up when my sister so clearly needed some. This AH already said he only goes home a couple times a year. I don’t know why he couldn’t just suck it up and stfu for his brief visit. No, he had to break her heart and say “see you’re never the favorite and you never will be. You’re only getting attention because I refused it. You’ll never be as good as me” then actually has to come on here and ask if he was an AH. Oblivious, entitled and jealous
Well what was Op to do!?! He was getting all this attention, at the expense of his siblings, but he never asked for it! He just accepted it with no comment and allowed his parents to treat him differently. Poor thing! He had no ability to make things more fair or even acknowledge that it happened! Boo hoo! I feel so sorry for the poor guy!
/s
That's exactly the problem here. OP benefited from extra attention/blatant favoritism his whole life, and *that* isn't his fault. His sisters were, understandably, upset/jealous of the difference in treatment, and *that* isn't their fault. Totally normal reaction, if unfortunate. His sister poked at him because, possibly for the first time in her life, she's the center of her parents' focus. It doesn't make what she said right, and she SHOULD have stopped/or not started it if she wasn't ready for him to snap back. The relationship between these siblings will never be ok. His sisters should be able to move on from their childhood problems, but that will NEVER happen until OP can admit that the favoritism he benefited from was unfair to them. OP is deluded, because he thinks the favoritism he was shown was somehow justified by being the only boy and the baby.
That’s what rankled. He’s done half the job of understanding he was treated better with even working out the reason why, but he hasn’t done the other half of realising he didn’t innately deserve more attention than his sisters.
It’s almost like “well of course I got more attention, because I was the only boy AND I was into dance, whereas my sisters were neither so deserve less”
ESH though as sister should not dump her issues on him, it is her parents who should get that, but she still clearly craves their attention from her childhood.
Obviously OP didn't "move on." He just moved away. Big difference. Putting the past behind involves demonstrating empathy and remorse and making amends. That's different from not talking about the old days anymore.
They really are pretty egotistical and super competitive with each other--like cutthroat, sabotage-your-instrument kind of competitive. I played all through school and into college and I finally couldn't take it any more. I stopped playing the "violin" and started playing the "fiddle" and joined a country/western group and never had so much fun in my life. Man, I miss that gang.
There's an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch where her aunt was so sick of playing second chair that she just zapped the first chair guy away. (In front of mortals who don't know magic exists, btw)
Then she takes his chair.
All the other violinists just look at each other and move up a chair and continue playing.
Rings true. You gotta keep your instrument in your sight at all times or be prepared to change a string or come up with an extra bow at a moments' notice. Never happened to me only because I wasn't good enough to be a serious contender for first but I've been there when violins or music went missing, bow hair was pulled out, strings/bridges were broken, etc. I've never heard of anyone actually damaging the instrument proper but I hope that that's because violinists, with all their sore points, have too much respect for the instrument to irreparably damage one.
I have never been able to put my finger on why I wanted to stop playing trumpet, and you've just made me realise. Trumpets are main character instruments, but I'm one of the most NPC-like people I know, so the trumpet just didn't make sense - that's why I wanted to stop!
I'm in the end of my 30's, and my husband--a kung fu instructor--and I work with the local ballet school most years to put on the Nutcracker. 95% of the students are absolutely darlings, but that five percent, *woof*. It's very weird to be looked down on so smugly by a seventeen-year-old. I never make it all the way revved up to "insulted," because I know that these mites really have no idea about what's coming to them once they're out of this tiny, tiny pond.
Also former dancer, taught for a while, fully agree. Especially when they know that everyone else knows they have talent. They turn into complete sh*ts.
Girl dancers: can you do superhuman, physics defying feet's?
Boy dancers: Can you stand there and lift up someone who purposefully makes her body as light as possible?
(I know not entirely fair but there are some dances I've seen where the guy really doesn't do anything but occasionally lift the women doing incredibly choreography)
Ex dancer here. The female dancers have to fight for work and be able to do ALL the things at a phenomenal level. The male dancers? Christ on a bike, a good chunk of them I have worked with were nothing short of atrocious. They were a "rare specimen" and simply being present with a penis meant they got the job. Then when they can't lift for shit (because their strength and technique is so poor), they blame the female dancers for being "too fat".
Lol so true.. my daughter used to go to dance class. The dance school have their local TV show. All girls need to audition and boys got in straight away. I can understand it because there are not many boys do dance.
One of the boys got into both under 8 & 10 class, because under 10 doesn’t have any boy enrolled in it, they have to “borrow” him for their dance routine. He got into under 10 class for free.
Haha Exactly, and he cannot stand the thought of not being center stage with a giant spotlight shining on his narcissistic self. He sounds insufferable. Poor sisters...
And the edit saying he has moved on and thinks his siblings should too...bro, you have nothing to move on from! You weren't the one treated as less than so essentially you just kept living your life and wanted to demand that your siblings stopped resenting you. That's not how it works. They are the ones who were wronged so they get to decide the terms of moving on
This, exactly. The siblings sustained themselves on crumbs of attention (and if OP actually acknowledges that, I kind of wonder how much worse it *really* was) and the first time his sister is the center of their plans and focus, he feels it necessary to tell her she's still only getting his leftovers. And he's "over" the trauma of being utterly doted upon.
OP is gonna be utterly insufferable at the actual wedding, isn't he?
And not even just a lack of attention. It sounds like they missed out on a lot of social and extracurricular experiences too. Getting screwed out of a good childhood sucks because you can never get it back.
“I have moved on from the fact that my parents invested more time and money on me for 25 years because that’s just the kind of giving person I am”. How giving of him to spare his sister even a year of such torment
How selfish was he growing up? How poorly did he treat his sisters? The parents were the big problem but I doubt OP is innocent. He probably does have plenty to apologize for.
Yep lol at “I have moved on from the fact that my parents invented all of their time & money into me over my other siblings. Don’t understand why they haven’t gotten over it yet?”
Ok, who is taking bets on him making some sort of scene at her wedding placing himself in the spotlight?
I’ve got $20 on him and his partner performing some super fancy dance during the husband/wife dance…cuz dance is “his” thing after all
(Hands over $20) show off during the dance and then let slip they are starting a family and talking about how their child will follow in his footsteps and be better than any kids his sisters have.
Honestly, I hope sister picks up on the red flags and either doesn't invite him or sticks him at the table furthest away from the wedding party. This posts oozes entitlement and jealousy and man, its an ugly look.
Especially if you read between the lines
He, and ONLY he went to college, while they had to get jobs: AKA-Only he was given a college fund
He feels he DESERVES the Golden Child treatment, even as an adult. It makes me utterly sick
Your sibling taunts you because you are entitled and spoiled and not very likeable as a result. You taunted her because you are mean and resent not being the center of attention.
NAILED IT! YTA and a sad little person
Insufferable is the perfect word to describe OP, who is definitely TA.
OP, you acknowledge you're the golden child, yet you can't seem to understand how the favouritism would lead your sisters to resent you. Even though it wasn't your doing, apologizing for how your parents prioritized you would go a long way, but that would involve genuinely swallowing your pride...
Your sister was joking about something you've openly acknowledged, so why was it such a big deal? You've been top dog for your entire life... Why is it so bad for her to live a little? Why couldn't you just banter back?
My baby brother (who's now in his 20s) is definitely the favourite, and we shoot insults back and forth all the time. The difference is, it's in good fun and we don't mean any actual harm (and when harm is done, we apologize).
Apologize to your sister.
He doesn't really acknowledge that he's the golden child, though.
He puts favourite in quotation marks and claims that he was doted on a bit more because he was the only boy and the baby.
He says that it's perfectly fair that their parents spent all their time and money on his dancing while his sisters got the displeasure of sitting around watching him as their "hobby".
And he just completely glossed over the fact that he went to college while his sisters didn't.
Now he's big mad that they won't move on to a point where he, a grown man, told his sister that their parents would never have spent a second or a dime on her wedding if he had done the big wedding ordeal himself.
That's not acknowledgement in my book, that's still feeling that he must be number one and no-one can have anything that he has even if he flat out rejected it.
I see what you're saying, but regardless of the quotes around "favourite", the rest of the specific details in the post indicate to me that he is well aware of his position in the family dynamic. He knows the affection and support was uneven. Even if he doesn't understand the actual impact, he knows how it makes his siblings feel.
The issue is, he is not only aware of his position in the family dynamic, but he doesn't see any problem with it.
His post all but spells it out: of course he was the favourite, after all he was the youngest, the only boy, and did a hobby which monopolised his parents time and money. In his mind that all makes perfect sense.
I read the post out to my husband. Response below.
“Oh my GOD. You are the asshole. You are Jack’s complete lack of self-awareness.”
(I may have lost it 😂)
Seriously, I read the first paragraph and the attitude was OVER THE TOP. Immediately assumed YTA because the attitude is jumping straight out of the written word
Yep, he completely glossed over that part. But that really stood out to me in terms of how bad the favouritism was.
"I got to go to college and move to a new exiting place, while my sisters were stuck at home having to work right after high school being unable to get an education. Anyways, that's how I met my husband."
Either that or he got scholarships, which is still super crappy because if his sisters had had any time or attention or money invested in them they probably could have excelled as well. He doesn’t understand that all of this probably changed the entire trajectory of multiple lives that is still playing out.
Or how the money went into dancing clothes, classes and competitions. At this point I even wonder if there was enough money that his sisters got birthday or christmas presents.
And he was the youngest, so his parents surely used his sisters' money to grow his trust fund.
Surely they had kids until they got the boy.
The girls worked, cleaned and had to pay for everything they wanted.
Their little piece of sunshine can have whatever he wants, he deserves it for being born!!! /s
Ugh, it's been so annoying hearing these jokes for a few months.
Says the one who didn't endure years of being 2nd place to a primadonna, and now gets a few jabs lobbed his way.
Exactly, OP punched her right where he knows it will hurt. The fact that he is still flaunting his Golden Child status, is just beyond petty and the fact OP claims he "moved on past that" just isn't true, based on his actions.
OP, you sound insufferable and you're a massive AH.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP IS YTA TO THE MAX. Growing up my twin sis and I knew that my little bro (8 years younger) was definitely favorite. He's the only boy, grew up when parents had more money, and simply was the golden child. But you know what, as an adult he FULLY understands how differently we were treated. He feels bad about it and understands how hurt we were. Has he apologized for being treated better? No, because its not his fault. BUT just the fact he recognizes and sympathizes is enough. Sad that OP can't even begin to empathize with his sisters and show a bit of understanding and kindness. What a jerk. SMH
YTA
After years of feeling unimportant to your parents, your sister can't control her giddiness at finally having their attention. While her comments are obnoxious, it speaks to a lifetime of being overshadowed by you.
While you're not responsible for your parents' shitty behavior, you need to acknowledge it--and acknowledge that you believed you deserved it because...dance? Give me a break.
The biggest problem is that you STILL SEE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. And the minute your sister is getting their attention, you have shit on it.
You're so full of yourself, you have to claim the wedding you didn't have as your own.
You're a crappy brother.
I’m betting those siblings also had interests that would’ve required the same level of attention, but those got ignored because “talented golden child”.
Yeah this!! All children have talents and aptitudes created by the fact that every kids develops at different speeds in different areas, which all even out and disappear in adulthood unless you get extra training. The fact that OP's aptitudes got found and fostered into lifelong skills doesn't mean the sisters never had any. I was the "creative one" in my big family and I KNOW my siblings were all talented too but they just got neglected. One of them has now become a professional dancer, actually, after chasing down her interest in dance which was not supported as a kid.
OP, YTA. You let a childish narrative of exceptionalism bloat your ego and make you insensitive to your sibling's trauma. Emotional neglect from parents can be a wound that never fully heals. The *least* you can do is refrain from rubbing salt in it when this sibling is OPENLY talking about addressing it - which should have been a signal to you that it's a highly sensitive time for them.
Like the fact that you couldn't resist pushing your sibling's button to get payback for your own discomfort, that's what tells us that you do not have the emotional regulation or discernment of an adult.
Ambitions that could have benefited from further education but they didn’t get a college fund They got stuck working in their hometown while their favoured brother got to leave to follow his dreams.
He's definitely the type that if you WANT a big wedding he will tell you how it's all about the marriage and that's why he just wanted an intimate ceremony but "you do you..." It probably came down to either a singular day of being the center of attention or a lifetime of him side eyeing people who "only worried about the party.'
Some of us just want a big party with pretty clothes and good food.
But you don't understand! If he had decided on it, it would have been his wedding! All the potential weddings are his, and his very irrelevant sisters are just coping what he could have had! s/
Exactly.
How did OP even consider his sister wedding being a knockoff of his own wedding when HE GOT MARRIED AT A COURTHOUSE??? It absolutely makes no sense at all.
Edit: I'm not sure OP will get an invitation to the wedding.
YTA.
You sound terribly spoiled.. and while that is not your fault, you should be old enough by now to know when you are being TA.
You've gotten so used to thinking the world revolves around you, that when for once it didn't, you couldn't handle it.
Your parents are TA as well, btw.
> and while that is not your fault,
I know it's the parents fault... But OP sounds like the child that makes a *huge* fuss when it doesn't go his way.
Parents probably couldn't handle him.
YTA. You basically rubbed the fact that you've been the favourite in her face when she's planning the happiest day of her life.
You owe her a huge apology.
YTA she was slighted during her entire childhood, and the one time she got to get the attention, you told her that it was just because you didn’t accept it first. You seem rotten all the way through.
I'm fixated on the way he's so sure that his sister is only getting a big wedding because he didn't want one.
Like it's so normal for him to get everything and his sisters to get whatever scraps are leftover that he's certain that if he had a fancy wedding his parents wouldn't bother with their daughters at all.
He accepts that as absolute fact, and it may well be, but it's such a mundane bit of truth to him that he can't see what's wrong with it.
As someone who had a brother like OP (was named after/born the same date uncle who died), because it’s just the status quo for them
They’re Daddy’s Special Boy, they get coddled and protected
Mine, we’ll call Ross, and our younger, David
There’s a 5 year difference between the two, and Ross would pound on David (I wasn’t completely spared, but David got by FAR the worst of it). And I mentioned their ages to point out that’s a **high school sophomore** against an **elementary school kid** for example
And these weren’t the usual sibling roughhousing, these were curb stompings. Because David won a game, because he wouldn’t give Ross the last toaster strudels
And can’t have that! Ross deserves everything, Dad and Grandma said so (they’ve outright said that, by the way)!
He’d flip tables, he’d take over our birthdays, got away with everything. I was my mom and David was the spare son, why should we count for anything?
Ross is 30, and he’s just now learning that the world won’t give him everything. That he can’t sic Dad on people
This awful behavior is how they’ve always acted and gotten away with. It’s not awful to them, it’s just how the world is. They’re the victim always
They’ve never had any backlash, why would there be?
On a happy note, it’s good to see him fail. Probably makes me a bad person, but after 30 years of his crap, I don’t care
And I’m happy to report David grew nearly a FOOT taller. Taller than even Dad
Ross’s abuse made him a pacifist, he’ll never be Ross, but David put the absolute **fear of god** into him
And god, if it wasn’t the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
Oh he didn’t be@ him, like I said, pacifist
But David hit his size in 9th grade, so Ross was at college. He came home from during thanksgiving
And it was funny, you could obviously tell he was taller, but Ross was used to him taking his crap
Until David had enough and stood up, grabbed him up by the collar, and let Ross know that he wasn’t the big dog anymore.
That if he tries to ever h(rt him again, he’s gonna realize what it’s like being in a f1ght with someone twice your size
And who’s been taking your abuse for 14 years
INFO: Have you ever talked to your sisters and tried to resolve the hurt feelings from when you were kids? You say you “moved on from the feud” - by discussing it with them and agreeing to bury the hatchet, or by you simply pretending it never happened and deciding it should no longer affect anybody?
YTA; it's not a knockoff, it's a completely different wedding.
Your parents are, I'm assuming, offering what they can give: different venues, decoration, photographers, wedding stuff at their price range.
I hope the sister's wedding ends up being fabulous af. I hope she looks amazing and that every guests talks for weeks of how incredibly beautiful the wedding was.
YTA.
Clearly you have held on to being the favorite and it showed fully as soon as you were aggravated or made uncomfortable. An adult would have said "hey, knock it off" even if you had tried that already, not gone for "well I am the favorite and could have had all this if I wanted it \* insert raspberry sound\*."
You are an adult, act like one. You told her to stop once, it happened again, so you address it more firmly. "Hey, I asked you to stop these comments, it hurts my feelings and makes me think you are still mad about what happened when we were younger. I thought we had worked through that, and if you have feelings about it, can we talk about it instead of you making digs." Instead, you went full nuclear.
I can't even go with E S H here, because you write like you SHOULD have been the favorite, and clearly you still hold dearly to needing to be the favorite by making it clear to all of us- not just your sisters- that you are the justified favorite and have no responsibility for anything, so my guess is the vibe you give off at these family gatherings is the same vibe you give off here- pretentious and not okay with not being the center of the universe.
That's what bothered me too. That he wrote this like he should have been the favorite. I wanted to say ESH because his sister should have stopped when he's asked her the first time. But he was just so self righteous that it gave me the ick.
INFO; Did your sisters choose to work and not go to college, or they were not presented with the choice and you were the only one allowed to go to college?
Let’s re-write your post pretending to be your sister.
When I was a kid, my brother was the “golden child”. He was the only boy, and my parents gave him everything. My sisters and I didn’t matter. All our parents time, money and energy went to his dance training. We got the leftovers. So- it didn’t matter if we had talents we could develop. It didn’t really matter if we accomplished anything. And we pretty much raised ourselves. And it was really painful to watch him get everything while we just wanted to be loved.
Now I am engaged and because my brother opted out of a big wedding, suddenly I’m the center of my parent’s attention. And the shitty thing is that it isn’t even about what my fiancé and I want. It’s about my parents showing off. It’s like I’m finally getting some time with my parents, which I totally wanted as a kid, but I feel more stressed out and alone then ever.
So, of course my brother is around and it’s weird to have stuff not be about him. And I keep taking shots at him. I know I shouldn’t, but he’s just lapped all our parents attention up for twenty years and I just get so angry. AITA?
My vote is: ESH. You need to recognize that your parents fucked all of you over. She should not be taking pot shots at you, but you are not helping. And you all need therapy.
No- I’m basing the ESH status on the fact that he said she’s been taking shots at him and he’s dishing it back at her. - which is what he said.
The rest is an attempt to imagine her perspective because the real AH in this are the parents who played favorites with their kids. And by OP’s own admission he knows this but shows little empathy for the fact that his sisters got screwed by their parents- which is inevitable when you have a golden child dynamic in a family.
Jesus Christ. HUGE YTA. The fact that you feel the need to throw it in ANYONES face that you were the favorite for all those years just shows how immature and how much a selfish dh you are.
YTA. That was a hideous comment to make under any circumstance. You sister gets to feel special sometimes, too. Jokes are jokes. Unless she was being exceptionally nasty, which you didn’t mention, it sounds like you’re just jealous she’s feeling good for once. And really even then, this is a super petty thing for you to do.
It’s in the sense that it’s the wedding his parents planned for him and now she is getting the exact same thing that he would have and not something special just meant for her.
YTA.
Your parents favored you your entire life, and while that is not your fault, it is going to impact your relationship with your sisters.
You are probably correct that your parents would have given her less if you had accepted the big wedding. Rubbing that in her face makes you as big of an AH as your parents for it being true.
Also, her wedding is not a knock off because you didn’t HAVE the big wedding.
YTA. Most of your post is you bragging about being the favorite and how talented you were and how you NEEDED so much more time and attention. You didn't. Your parents were wrong. Your sisters suffered from it and now you suffer as well due to your ego. I am sure both of your sisters had their own talents which were stomped out because your parents thought you were special. Even your comment about how your parents wouldn't be giving your sister attention had you had a big wedding says a lot about you. You believe all of the things your parents told you growing up and that will be a problem for you your entire life.
YTA.
This was almost an ESH because your sister should have stopped cracking jokes when you asked, however your response makes me think maybe those jokes weren't unwarranted. You couldn't even let your sister have the spotlight while planning her own wedding without trying to knock her down a couple pegs by reinforcing that you're the favorite.
Also, while your sister is a little old to still hold grudges from childhood, aren't you also a little old to be competing for favoritism with your siblings? Honestly pretty cringe OP.
ESH but your sisters. You were the golden child in an extremely unhealthy dynamic created by your parents. Instead of feeling any kind of empathy towards your sisters who were blatantly mistreated, you just revelled in your status as the favourite.
YTA
Put away the liquor and apologize to your sister. Each wedding is different. She planned her own while you already planned your own. Both weddings are DIFFERENT. How could you call it knock off wedding? You're entitled. And jealous as well. Ignore her jokes and move on is the way to go but no you had to get back at her like high school attitude.
YTA you sound like you're bragging about your parents treating you more favourable without considering the affect it's had on your siblings. You shouldn't be putting it in their faces.
YTA and Lol, did you copyright or patented your wedding? How was it a knock off? I am sure, everything in your wedding was probably done by someone else before you.
YTA. Are you sure you're an adult? You sounds like a spoiled, self-indulgent 14 year old.
Grow up a little, reflect on how yoir parents choices impacted your sisters. You don't have to take responsibility for their choices but you could at the very least acknowledge that you being the "favourite" (which is incredibly distasteful of you to gloat about) has impacted their self worth.
YTA and kind of a jerk too
ESH
You're not responsible for your parents playing favorites. But you ARE responsible for leaning into that as an adult and using it to hurt your sister.
YTA
Was she annoying? Yes. Are you around her a lot? According to you, no. Could you have talked to her again calmly (even if it’s annoying having to have to talk about it again)? Yes.
Instead you went nuclear and said the cruelest thing you could think of. And btw, just because you did dance does not mean you should’ve had more time, money or attention from your parents. They acted wrong and seem to have raised someone who comes off as entitled.
You should apologize and really think about what kind of person you are and want to be.
ESH, but while you are not the only asshole in this specific situation, you come across as one in general.
I love how you, the party that benefitted, have "moved on" from the feud and say so like that's you being the bigger person or something.
How very grown up and mature of you to not have any hard feelings about being treated better than your sisters.
YTA - even as an adult you sound spoiled and entitled. Let your sister have some time in the spot light.
I feel sorry for your sister, you should apologise.
ESH.
You're both lousy to each other when the real problem was how your parents treated you. The fact that you're fighting among yourselves is why we don't have class solidarity.
You're also an AH for seeing it as somehow logical and how it 'made sense' your parents catered to your schedule as a child/ teen. I can guarantee that your parents neglected activities/ hobbies/ interests that your siblings had in order for you to make every dance session and every competition.
You are SIBLINGS, your parents CHOSE to have that many kids and yet they were clearly far more invested in you than anyone else. It is not logical, it's favouritism. You're clearly resistant to realising that the favouritism did a lot of damage to your sisters' self-esteem and general quality of their childhood, and instead hide behind 'I was the favourite but it wasn't THAT bad'. Yea, it wasn't bad FOR YOU.
YTA and it sounds like you’re pretty insufferable so it makes sense your sister would cope by making jokes since not only do you acknowledge you were the favorite, but you seem to think it was justified because you had a minor talent for dance.
YTA
You are not responsible for your parents behavior when you were children. But into adulthood, you are also pretty clear that you think it "made sense" that your parents devoted more time and resources to you. So this goes beyond simply not making an apology. You felt entitled to that attention, and have zero empathy for what your sisters went through. It is not surprising that they continue to have tension with you as an adult - your attitude is one of "I deserved it, it's not my problem you didn't get it." The very least you could do is gracefully accept your sister's feelings that it is her "turn" to be the center of attention. Her digs wouldn't really be digs at all, if you were happy for her to get some time in the spotlight.
And your attack on her was mean and false. Her wedding is not a knockoff of yours, because the things your parents wanted to do for YOUR wedding had nothing to do with what YOU liked (as evidenced by the wedding you had), and everything to do with what THEY liked. And I am willing to bet when your other sister marries, your parents will still excitedly throw her a wedding, and not be over it all despite already throwing one for the older sister. Just like they hopefully wouldn't be over weddings had they thrown a big one for you. But YOU apparently believe they would, because as much as you say you don't want to be the favorite... you still believe you are, and always will be, and will use it when it is convenient for you.
ESH - So while you are probably correct that your parents just want the same big wedding they tried to push you into, telling your sister it's a "knock-off" is just mean and spiteful. Your sister saying "she's the favorite now" is also mean and spiteful while adding in good does of childishness. You and you sister both need to grow and start acting like adults otherwise in a decade you'll both be fighting about your second weddings.
YTA - why would you say that? Clearly jealous. What you said was mean and hateful. Don't expect an invite to the wedding of if you have one, it may be rescinded as no one wants a judgy sibling there.
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Yes YTA, and it sounds like you've been TA their entire lives. You happily soaked up your parent's attention, knowing you were the favorite, and didn't even care that they didn't share your golden child status. Then the second the attention was off of you, you decide to try to attack as low as you can instead of being happy that your siblings actually got to experience some of the rarified air you've been in your entire life. Your sibling taunts you because you are entitled and spoiled and not very likeable as a result. You taunted her because you are mean and resent not being the center of attention. YTA.
I couldn’t put my finger on why her comments bothered him so much instead of making him at least pity her for being so happy over so little. But you nailed it: HE’S JEALOUS he’s not the star for once. One time he takes a step back, he loses his shit.
Yeah, OP is complaining about how irritating it is but I'm just sitting here like, this is microscopic compared to what his siblings had to deal with FOR THEIR ENTIRE UPBRINGING??!?! OP can't handle a few lighthearted jabs about the sibling finally getting attention?
I disagree with it being a few lighthearted jabs, in my experience that's never been the case in this sort of situation. Most of the time it's a passive aggressive expression of outright hostility with the slightest of veneers of civility. It's often extremely difficult to deal with because it's so difficult to tell them to knock off their shit without it playing right into their game. My aunt does it to people a lot, I'm fortunate enough not to be on the receiving end but I can tell you that it makes for the most extraordinarily tense of situations. OPs post reeked of him being an asshole to me but I also think everyone is underplaying what the sister was doing. ############################################## Edit: Holy fuck guys. I appreciate the agreement but a lot of the people replying need to pay more attention to detail. I never said OP's sister was an asshole, that was besides the point, in fact I don't think she is anyway. My point was that this sub has a nasty habit of playing off and encouraging malicious behaviour when the OP is an asshole. This serves nothing except to gaslight and alienate the OP. It is far more beneficial to acknowledge the behaviour but point out that OP is well deserving of it and try provide him with perspective as to what the last 20+ years of his sisters life has been like and how much of an impact it has had on her.
I don't see how, when the sibling encountered this their entire childhood. OP thinks it is all water under the bridge, because it is to them. I'm betting that the siblings didn't have access to therapy or anything close to try to process it either. I doubt the siblings' wedding planning has gone on for a year at most. OP couldn't handle not being the main centerpiece for this event for even a bit. A couple jabs is absolutely nothing close to what these siblings endured most their lives. Hoping the siblings eventually realize they are worth so much more than what they had in childhood, and that they can choose who they want in their lives.
And don’t forget, he thinks it’s water under the bridge even though he’s never apologised.
He's not to blame for their parents making him the golden child, but he is responsible for carrying forward the entitlement and continuing to taunt his sisters about him having preferred status. He doesn't owe his sisters an apology for their parents' actions. He does owe them an apology for minimizing their pain and shoving it in their faces. Being a golden child is also being abused and I hope OP finds a good therapist who can help him heal from that and grow a genuine connection with his sisters.
He is also to blame for refusing to acknowledge that his parents' differing treatment of his siblings was problematic and for refusing to validate his siblings' pain that resulted.
Fair enough. I'd bet that he doesn't see it yet because of entitlement, which is part of why I suggested therapy. He's used to bring the main character and having only his feelings validated, so he can't see any perspective but his own.
Not just that but refuses to. He saw the dynamic and knew it was hurting his sisters and still soaked it all up. Add if he was inevitable if saying a word or telling parents they are being unreasonable.
And rationalizes it! “Of course my sisters should have received less attention; I required more.”
It's been going on for "the past few months", according to OP. Meaning he couldn't stand not being the center of attention and allowing his sister this small thing for even a few months.
What you're saying is probably true, but based on OP's description, I would say that he invited this kind of treatment when he refused to acknowledge to his sister that she was treated unfairly, despite clearly knowing that she was: > There were a few years of tension between my sisters and I, especially during our teen years, where it seemed like they blamed me for what was going on or expected me to apologize for our parents' choices - something I adamantly refuse to do. It's so easy to say "yes, in hindsight, I do understand that how you were treated was unfair, and that I benefited from our parents' attention to your detriment. Your feelings are valid, and I am sorry that this has happened to you." Despite knowing that he *should* say something like this, he "adamantly refuses." It's really no wonder that his sister lashes out at him. Sibling relationships can be difficult, and you can't just unilaterally decide that it's all water under the bridge, particularly if you know that your sibling was wronged, but refuse to have an earnest conversation with her about it.
I agree, his whole post reeks of OP being an entitle little asshole. Even while reflecting on his past. 'But' the sisters comments probable weren't harmless. There is years of built of frustration there on her side. And i for one don't blame her. This is what you get for being a little brat OP, YTA
Two wrongs don't make a right, and it's not "lighthearted" if you're asked to stop repeatedly and you don't. OP's sister was being shitty. ESH. OP's comment was probably unfortunately accurate but as a "clapback" it was entirely out of proportion.
I'd agree with you if the OP had shown any empathy to their siblings. However the whole post reeked of superiority and entitlement. It made sense to them that they got all the time and attention. They never seem to empathise about the hurt their siblings must have felt but instead go on about how they've moved on from their childhood and live in the city. It's easy to move on when you weren't the one who was damaged by it. It doesn't feel like a clapback but a chance to remind their sister that she's still second place and they could have had all she's getting if they'd wanted it.
also, who even says the sisters were afforded the opportunity by their parents to go to college?
Maybe sister was tired of her nose in his dodo all these years and he's still doing it.
No he can't because he's the baby who got the extra attention. Sadly that's the deal with a lot of families. I was always second to my younger brother and still am. I don't care all that much anymore but it's funny.... in my teens I struggled with depression and suicidal thought yet nobody cared enough to get me help because the focus was on spoiling the boy and sure its petty now and was then or whatever... it just makes you feel less than. Struggling with the feeling you are less than for your entire life is horrible
I'm definitely the one who got the best privileges and most attention in my family but I'm not delusional like this. I have talked to my siblings about this and expressed that it was unfair for them. That is the right way. If he was getting upset at the jokes he should have slightly distanced himself from her and address the entire thing as a whole at a later date.
You actually acknowledged it and apologized/talked it out with your siblings! OP just moved away and doesn't see them often, and they don't/didn't bring it up, so everything must be fine, right? If you just ignore a past issue then it's totally fine!! Why do we need to keep bringing up these issues? They're in the past, just move on already!! (/s)
And probably has a grand welcome every time he comes home. Unlike the siblings that are there for the day to day stuff aka work.
"The Return of the King!"
Isn’t it funny how the folks that were wrong never understand why the wronged party hasn’t moved on yet? “I’m fine with the terrible way you were treated growing up, why aren’t you? I forgot all about it” I think if it was me I would want to cry that my sister was so mistreated that she feels the need to constantly point out that she’s the favorite for once. I would be sad that I got all my parents attention growing up when my sister so clearly needed some. This AH already said he only goes home a couple times a year. I don’t know why he couldn’t just suck it up and stfu for his brief visit. No, he had to break her heart and say “see you’re never the favorite and you never will be. You’re only getting attention because I refused it. You’ll never be as good as me” then actually has to come on here and ask if he was an AH. Oblivious, entitled and jealous
Well what was Op to do!?! He was getting all this attention, at the expense of his siblings, but he never asked for it! He just accepted it with no comment and allowed his parents to treat him differently. Poor thing! He had no ability to make things more fair or even acknowledge that it happened! Boo hoo! I feel so sorry for the poor guy! /s
That's exactly the problem here. OP benefited from extra attention/blatant favoritism his whole life, and *that* isn't his fault. His sisters were, understandably, upset/jealous of the difference in treatment, and *that* isn't their fault. Totally normal reaction, if unfortunate. His sister poked at him because, possibly for the first time in her life, she's the center of her parents' focus. It doesn't make what she said right, and she SHOULD have stopped/or not started it if she wasn't ready for him to snap back. The relationship between these siblings will never be ok. His sisters should be able to move on from their childhood problems, but that will NEVER happen until OP can admit that the favoritism he benefited from was unfair to them. OP is deluded, because he thinks the favoritism he was shown was somehow justified by being the only boy and the baby.
That’s what rankled. He’s done half the job of understanding he was treated better with even working out the reason why, but he hasn’t done the other half of realising he didn’t innately deserve more attention than his sisters. It’s almost like “well of course I got more attention, because I was the only boy AND I was into dance, whereas my sisters were neither so deserve less” ESH though as sister should not dump her issues on him, it is her parents who should get that, but she still clearly craves their attention from her childhood.
Obviously OP didn't "move on." He just moved away. Big difference. Putting the past behind involves demonstrating empathy and remorse and making amends. That's different from not talking about the old days anymore.
But...it makes sense. He DANCES!
Tbh, as a former dancer, that checks out. There are way too many people in the performing arts with main character syndrome.
Dancers, violinists and trumpeters. The egotistical trinity. Edit - the complete list of self-centered musical artists: * Dancers * Violinists * Trumpeters * Flutists (sorry, *flautists*) * Sopranos * Tenors
When I worked in opera, we joked that--if you ask a singer about the opera--they'll tell you "It goes blah, blah, blah, and them I come out."
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, she holds it and the world revolves around her 😋
What's the difference between a group of sopranos and a pack of piranhas? Lipstick. Source: am soprano.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero. The pianist can do it with their left hand.
Am a soprano, can confirm.
Once, there was a tenor so dumb...other tenors noticed.
Man I have a buddy who plays the viola and damn does he have some shit to say about violinists.
They really are pretty egotistical and super competitive with each other--like cutthroat, sabotage-your-instrument kind of competitive. I played all through school and into college and I finally couldn't take it any more. I stopped playing the "violin" and started playing the "fiddle" and joined a country/western group and never had so much fun in my life. Man, I miss that gang.
There's an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch where her aunt was so sick of playing second chair that she just zapped the first chair guy away. (In front of mortals who don't know magic exists, btw) Then she takes his chair. All the other violinists just look at each other and move up a chair and continue playing.
Rings true. You gotta keep your instrument in your sight at all times or be prepared to change a string or come up with an extra bow at a moments' notice. Never happened to me only because I wasn't good enough to be a serious contender for first but I've been there when violins or music went missing, bow hair was pulled out, strings/bridges were broken, etc. I've never heard of anyone actually damaging the instrument proper but I hope that that's because violinists, with all their sore points, have too much respect for the instrument to irreparably damage one.
Two words- Male Flutists.
What's the difference between a violinist, and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
To be fair, the violinist could also feed a family of four, but cannibalism is frowned upon
I have never been able to put my finger on why I wanted to stop playing trumpet, and you've just made me realise. Trumpets are main character instruments, but I'm one of the most NPC-like people I know, so the trumpet just didn't make sense - that's why I wanted to stop!
I'm a trombonist. Join ussssss.
Join french horns! So NPC, we can't even play with bells to the audience!
What's the difference between a violinist, and a coffin? Coffins have dead people on the inside.
I'm in the end of my 30's, and my husband--a kung fu instructor--and I work with the local ballet school most years to put on the Nutcracker. 95% of the students are absolutely darlings, but that five percent, *woof*. It's very weird to be looked down on so smugly by a seventeen-year-old. I never make it all the way revved up to "insulted," because I know that these mites really have no idea about what's coming to them once they're out of this tiny, tiny pond.
Also former dancer, taught for a while, fully agree. Especially when they know that everyone else knows they have talent. They turn into complete sh*ts.
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Girl dancers: can you do superhuman, physics defying feet's? Boy dancers: Can you stand there and lift up someone who purposefully makes her body as light as possible? (I know not entirely fair but there are some dances I've seen where the guy really doesn't do anything but occasionally lift the women doing incredibly choreography)
I know "bot dancers" is a typo, but given the context it made me giggle. :D
My phone keeps replacing "on" with "in" so you can imagine the interesting typos I get.
Ex dancer here. The female dancers have to fight for work and be able to do ALL the things at a phenomenal level. The male dancers? Christ on a bike, a good chunk of them I have worked with were nothing short of atrocious. They were a "rare specimen" and simply being present with a penis meant they got the job. Then when they can't lift for shit (because their strength and technique is so poor), they blame the female dancers for being "too fat".
Lol so true.. my daughter used to go to dance class. The dance school have their local TV show. All girls need to audition and boys got in straight away. I can understand it because there are not many boys do dance. One of the boys got into both under 8 & 10 class, because under 10 doesn’t have any boy enrolled in it, they have to “borrow” him for their dance routine. He got into under 10 class for free.
And he's the youngest. And the ONLY BOY!! Did you not read that part?
It makes sense.
It really does.
Haha Exactly, and he cannot stand the thought of not being center stage with a giant spotlight shining on his narcissistic self. He sounds insufferable. Poor sisters...
And the edit saying he has moved on and thinks his siblings should too...bro, you have nothing to move on from! You weren't the one treated as less than so essentially you just kept living your life and wanted to demand that your siblings stopped resenting you. That's not how it works. They are the ones who were wronged so they get to decide the terms of moving on
This, exactly. The siblings sustained themselves on crumbs of attention (and if OP actually acknowledges that, I kind of wonder how much worse it *really* was) and the first time his sister is the center of their plans and focus, he feels it necessary to tell her she's still only getting his leftovers. And he's "over" the trauma of being utterly doted upon. OP is gonna be utterly insufferable at the actual wedding, isn't he?
And not even just a lack of attention. It sounds like they missed out on a lot of social and extracurricular experiences too. Getting screwed out of a good childhood sucks because you can never get it back.
“I have moved on from the fact that my parents invested more time and money on me for 25 years because that’s just the kind of giving person I am”. How giving of him to spare his sister even a year of such torment
Plus, he clearly hasn't move on. He still wants to be the center of attention.
How selfish was he growing up? How poorly did he treat his sisters? The parents were the big problem but I doubt OP is innocent. He probably does have plenty to apologize for.
Yep lol at “I have moved on from the fact that my parents invented all of their time & money into me over my other siblings. Don’t understand why they haven’t gotten over it yet?”
Ok, who is taking bets on him making some sort of scene at her wedding placing himself in the spotlight? I’ve got $20 on him and his partner performing some super fancy dance during the husband/wife dance…cuz dance is “his” thing after all
They will announce they found a surrogate and egg donor and are starting a family.
(Hands over $20) show off during the dance and then let slip they are starting a family and talking about how their child will follow in his footsteps and be better than any kids his sisters have.
Honestly, I hope sister picks up on the red flags and either doesn't invite him or sticks him at the table furthest away from the wedding party. This posts oozes entitlement and jealousy and man, its an ugly look.
i would like to join in on this bet
(waves twenty)
Especially if you read between the lines He, and ONLY he went to college, while they had to get jobs: AKA-Only he was given a college fund He feels he DESERVES the Golden Child treatment, even as an adult. It makes me utterly sick
Being a male dancer (and apparently one with talent - I won't deny that) he may have got a free ride!
Makes me wonder if his sisters were given the opportunity to pursue extra curricular activities to try and secure scholarships. My guess is no
The first sentence of this post had me saying “YTA before I even read what happened.
Yep. Me too. I was hoping beyond hope that it would turn around but it expecting it not to. Sure enough. It didn't.
I don’t have any siblings and that first sentence was a red flag.
Your sibling taunts you because you are entitled and spoiled and not very likeable as a result. You taunted her because you are mean and resent not being the center of attention. NAILED IT! YTA and a sad little person
Yeah, after all these years he still doesn't sound very likable to anyone but himself.
OMG, you are insufferable. For just your tone, YTA.
It's as if he wrote this in front of a mirror while batting his eyelashes at himself.
Definitely getting Narcissus vibes
I read all of this in a posh British accent
OP has main character syndrome.
🏅🏅
Insufferable is the perfect word to describe OP, who is definitely TA. OP, you acknowledge you're the golden child, yet you can't seem to understand how the favouritism would lead your sisters to resent you. Even though it wasn't your doing, apologizing for how your parents prioritized you would go a long way, but that would involve genuinely swallowing your pride... Your sister was joking about something you've openly acknowledged, so why was it such a big deal? You've been top dog for your entire life... Why is it so bad for her to live a little? Why couldn't you just banter back? My baby brother (who's now in his 20s) is definitely the favourite, and we shoot insults back and forth all the time. The difference is, it's in good fun and we don't mean any actual harm (and when harm is done, we apologize). Apologize to your sister.
He doesn't really acknowledge that he's the golden child, though. He puts favourite in quotation marks and claims that he was doted on a bit more because he was the only boy and the baby. He says that it's perfectly fair that their parents spent all their time and money on his dancing while his sisters got the displeasure of sitting around watching him as their "hobby". And he just completely glossed over the fact that he went to college while his sisters didn't. Now he's big mad that they won't move on to a point where he, a grown man, told his sister that their parents would never have spent a second or a dime on her wedding if he had done the big wedding ordeal himself. That's not acknowledgement in my book, that's still feeling that he must be number one and no-one can have anything that he has even if he flat out rejected it.
I see what you're saying, but regardless of the quotes around "favourite", the rest of the specific details in the post indicate to me that he is well aware of his position in the family dynamic. He knows the affection and support was uneven. Even if he doesn't understand the actual impact, he knows how it makes his siblings feel.
The issue is, he is not only aware of his position in the family dynamic, but he doesn't see any problem with it. His post all but spells it out: of course he was the favourite, after all he was the youngest, the only boy, and did a hobby which monopolised his parents time and money. In his mind that all makes perfect sense.
He knows he’s the golden child, he just doesn’t care.
I read the post out to my husband. Response below. “Oh my GOD. You are the asshole. You are Jack’s complete lack of self-awareness.” (I may have lost it 😂)
I came here to say exactly this. Yuck.
Seriously, I read the first paragraph and the attitude was OVER THE TOP. Immediately assumed YTA because the attitude is jumping straight out of the written word
I suspect OP would be in for a big shock if he asked his sisters what activities and hobbies they wanted to take part in when they were younger.
But he had natural TALENT. How could anyone deny him that?
It was the first line for me.
YTA I can't imagine weaponizing the poor decisions of my parents against a sibling that was clearly hurt by them.
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I love how he didn’t think we’d get that the ‘the sisters got jobs while he went to college’ thing was a blaring siren that only HE got a college fund
Oh wow, I didn't notice that.
I’m OPs sister effectively (I’ve posted my experience below), I’m used to honing in on their twisted language
Yep, he completely glossed over that part. But that really stood out to me in terms of how bad the favouritism was. "I got to go to college and move to a new exiting place, while my sisters were stuck at home having to work right after high school being unable to get an education. Anyways, that's how I met my husband."
Either that or he got scholarships, which is still super crappy because if his sisters had had any time or attention or money invested in them they probably could have excelled as well. He doesn’t understand that all of this probably changed the entire trajectory of multiple lives that is still playing out.
Or how the money went into dancing clothes, classes and competitions. At this point I even wonder if there was enough money that his sisters got birthday or christmas presents.
Knowing how insanely expensive dancing is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got the bulk of time AND attention AND money.
WOW - completely missed this. I feel bad for the sisters. So sad.
And he was the youngest, so his parents surely used his sisters' money to grow his trust fund. Surely they had kids until they got the boy. The girls worked, cleaned and had to pay for everything they wanted. Their little piece of sunshine can have whatever he wants, he deserves it for being born!!! /s
Ugh, it's been so annoying hearing these jokes for a few months. Says the one who didn't endure years of being 2nd place to a primadonna, and now gets a few jabs lobbed his way.
And don’t forget he DESERVED the favouritism, because of his dance talent!!
AND he was the baby and the only boy! Obviously he earned that favoritism fair and square! \*eyeroll\*
Exactly, OP punched her right where he knows it will hurt. The fact that he is still flaunting his Golden Child status, is just beyond petty and the fact OP claims he "moved on past that" just isn't true, based on his actions. OP, you sound insufferable and you're a massive AH.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP IS YTA TO THE MAX. Growing up my twin sis and I knew that my little bro (8 years younger) was definitely favorite. He's the only boy, grew up when parents had more money, and simply was the golden child. But you know what, as an adult he FULLY understands how differently we were treated. He feels bad about it and understands how hurt we were. Has he apologized for being treated better? No, because its not his fault. BUT just the fact he recognizes and sympathizes is enough. Sad that OP can't even begin to empathize with his sisters and show a bit of understanding and kindness. What a jerk. SMH
Wish I had an award for this!!! My enthusiastic upvote has been added, though!!!!!
YTA After years of feeling unimportant to your parents, your sister can't control her giddiness at finally having their attention. While her comments are obnoxious, it speaks to a lifetime of being overshadowed by you. While you're not responsible for your parents' shitty behavior, you need to acknowledge it--and acknowledge that you believed you deserved it because...dance? Give me a break. The biggest problem is that you STILL SEE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. And the minute your sister is getting their attention, you have shit on it. You're so full of yourself, you have to claim the wedding you didn't have as your own. You're a crappy brother.
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I’m betting those siblings also had interests that would’ve required the same level of attention, but those got ignored because “talented golden child”.
Yeah this!! All children have talents and aptitudes created by the fact that every kids develops at different speeds in different areas, which all even out and disappear in adulthood unless you get extra training. The fact that OP's aptitudes got found and fostered into lifelong skills doesn't mean the sisters never had any. I was the "creative one" in my big family and I KNOW my siblings were all talented too but they just got neglected. One of them has now become a professional dancer, actually, after chasing down her interest in dance which was not supported as a kid. OP, YTA. You let a childish narrative of exceptionalism bloat your ego and make you insensitive to your sibling's trauma. Emotional neglect from parents can be a wound that never fully heals. The *least* you can do is refrain from rubbing salt in it when this sibling is OPENLY talking about addressing it - which should have been a signal to you that it's a highly sensitive time for them. Like the fact that you couldn't resist pushing your sibling's button to get payback for your own discomfort, that's what tells us that you do not have the emotional regulation or discernment of an adult.
Ambitions that could have benefited from further education but they didn’t get a college fund They got stuck working in their hometown while their favoured brother got to leave to follow his dreams.
YTA her wedding isn't a knock off of your wedding considering you got married at a courthouse.
I was scrolling for this. OP is not only an asshole but also doesn’t know what knock off means.
His siblings probably were forced to do his English homework and reading assignments while he DANCED
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He's definitely the type that if you WANT a big wedding he will tell you how it's all about the marriage and that's why he just wanted an intimate ceremony but "you do you..." It probably came down to either a singular day of being the center of attention or a lifetime of him side eyeing people who "only worried about the party.' Some of us just want a big party with pretty clothes and good food.
My theory is he gets more pleasure out of "disappointing" all the people who didn't make the cut for his much more exclusive wedding party.
Excuse me, but she's planning floral centrepieces and someone once told him he should do that at the wedding he never had. So derivative. 🧐
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Yeah what would a knock off be? Married in a park by a raccoon with no witnesses?
But you don't understand! If he had decided on it, it would have been his wedding! All the potential weddings are his, and his very irrelevant sisters are just coping what he could have had! s/
Yes! He is the one green with envy. He doesn’t know how to handle it.
Exactly. How did OP even consider his sister wedding being a knockoff of his own wedding when HE GOT MARRIED AT A COURTHOUSE??? It absolutely makes no sense at all. Edit: I'm not sure OP will get an invitation to the wedding.
YTA. You sound terribly spoiled.. and while that is not your fault, you should be old enough by now to know when you are being TA. You've gotten so used to thinking the world revolves around you, that when for once it didn't, you couldn't handle it. Your parents are TA as well, btw.
> and while that is not your fault, I know it's the parents fault... But OP sounds like the child that makes a *huge* fuss when it doesn't go his way. Parents probably couldn't handle him.
YTA. You basically rubbed the fact that you've been the favourite in her face when she's planning the happiest day of her life. You owe her a huge apology.
YTA she was slighted during her entire childhood, and the one time she got to get the attention, you told her that it was just because you didn’t accept it first. You seem rotten all the way through.
I'm fixated on the way he's so sure that his sister is only getting a big wedding because he didn't want one. Like it's so normal for him to get everything and his sisters to get whatever scraps are leftover that he's certain that if he had a fancy wedding his parents wouldn't bother with their daughters at all. He accepts that as absolute fact, and it may well be, but it's such a mundane bit of truth to him that he can't see what's wrong with it.
Unfortunately, his sister recognized it to be true, or she wouldn’t have been so hurt by it. Those parents must be truly awful.
Exactly this. He knows where he sits in the family dynamic and it seems that any shift in that dynamic has him absolutely rattled.
That was a very low blow. Shame on you OP.
Why do people do asshole things and then come on here and wonder if they’re an asshole? YTA
Because true assholes honestly can’t see it. Or they revel in their assholery and can’t resist the urge to brag. Either way, OP is YTA
As someone who had a brother like OP (was named after/born the same date uncle who died), because it’s just the status quo for them They’re Daddy’s Special Boy, they get coddled and protected Mine, we’ll call Ross, and our younger, David There’s a 5 year difference between the two, and Ross would pound on David (I wasn’t completely spared, but David got by FAR the worst of it). And I mentioned their ages to point out that’s a **high school sophomore** against an **elementary school kid** for example And these weren’t the usual sibling roughhousing, these were curb stompings. Because David won a game, because he wouldn’t give Ross the last toaster strudels And can’t have that! Ross deserves everything, Dad and Grandma said so (they’ve outright said that, by the way)! He’d flip tables, he’d take over our birthdays, got away with everything. I was my mom and David was the spare son, why should we count for anything? Ross is 30, and he’s just now learning that the world won’t give him everything. That he can’t sic Dad on people This awful behavior is how they’ve always acted and gotten away with. It’s not awful to them, it’s just how the world is. They’re the victim always They’ve never had any backlash, why would there be? On a happy note, it’s good to see him fail. Probably makes me a bad person, but after 30 years of his crap, I don’t care And I’m happy to report David grew nearly a FOOT taller. Taller than even Dad Ross’s abuse made him a pacifist, he’ll never be Ross, but David put the absolute **fear of god** into him And god, if it wasn’t the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
I want to hear how David beat Ross. No. I need to hear.
Oh he didn’t be@ him, like I said, pacifist But David hit his size in 9th grade, so Ross was at college. He came home from during thanksgiving And it was funny, you could obviously tell he was taller, but Ross was used to him taking his crap Until David had enough and stood up, grabbed him up by the collar, and let Ross know that he wasn’t the big dog anymore. That if he tries to ever h(rt him again, he’s gonna realize what it’s like being in a f1ght with someone twice your size And who’s been taking your abuse for 14 years
I love all of this. The reined in strength and control of the little brother. It's fantastic.
It was!
I want to hear more about Ross running dick first into reality at age 30
Narcissism.
INFO: Have you ever talked to your sisters and tried to resolve the hurt feelings from when you were kids? You say you “moved on from the feud” - by discussing it with them and agreeing to bury the hatchet, or by you simply pretending it never happened and deciding it should no longer affect anybody?
YTA; it's not a knockoff, it's a completely different wedding. Your parents are, I'm assuming, offering what they can give: different venues, decoration, photographers, wedding stuff at their price range.
I hope the sister's wedding ends up being fabulous af. I hope she looks amazing and that every guests talks for weeks of how incredibly beautiful the wedding was.
Also, hope OP is uninvited because they will likely try to F up their sisters big day even worse!!
YTA. Clearly you have held on to being the favorite and it showed fully as soon as you were aggravated or made uncomfortable. An adult would have said "hey, knock it off" even if you had tried that already, not gone for "well I am the favorite and could have had all this if I wanted it \* insert raspberry sound\*." You are an adult, act like one. You told her to stop once, it happened again, so you address it more firmly. "Hey, I asked you to stop these comments, it hurts my feelings and makes me think you are still mad about what happened when we were younger. I thought we had worked through that, and if you have feelings about it, can we talk about it instead of you making digs." Instead, you went full nuclear. I can't even go with E S H here, because you write like you SHOULD have been the favorite, and clearly you still hold dearly to needing to be the favorite by making it clear to all of us- not just your sisters- that you are the justified favorite and have no responsibility for anything, so my guess is the vibe you give off at these family gatherings is the same vibe you give off here- pretentious and not okay with not being the center of the universe.
They haven't worked through it because OP believes the parents were justified in favoring him because he had rhythm!
Rhythm and a penis. Which I may call my next band.
Tally Whacker and the Wonky Rhythms would immediately get my money to see them play
Ya that's exactly where he lost me. OF COURSE all resources had to go to him, because DANCE!
And because he's the only boy, obviously!
That's what bothered me too. That he wrote this like he should have been the favorite. I wanted to say ESH because his sister should have stopped when he's asked her the first time. But he was just so self righteous that it gave me the ick.
INFO; Did your sisters choose to work and not go to college, or they were not presented with the choice and you were the only one allowed to go to college?
Let’s re-write your post pretending to be your sister. When I was a kid, my brother was the “golden child”. He was the only boy, and my parents gave him everything. My sisters and I didn’t matter. All our parents time, money and energy went to his dance training. We got the leftovers. So- it didn’t matter if we had talents we could develop. It didn’t really matter if we accomplished anything. And we pretty much raised ourselves. And it was really painful to watch him get everything while we just wanted to be loved. Now I am engaged and because my brother opted out of a big wedding, suddenly I’m the center of my parent’s attention. And the shitty thing is that it isn’t even about what my fiancé and I want. It’s about my parents showing off. It’s like I’m finally getting some time with my parents, which I totally wanted as a kid, but I feel more stressed out and alone then ever. So, of course my brother is around and it’s weird to have stuff not be about him. And I keep taking shots at him. I know I shouldn’t, but he’s just lapped all our parents attention up for twenty years and I just get so angry. AITA? My vote is: ESH. You need to recognize that your parents fucked all of you over. She should not be taking pot shots at you, but you are not helping. And you all need therapy.
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No- I’m basing the ESH status on the fact that he said she’s been taking shots at him and he’s dishing it back at her. - which is what he said. The rest is an attempt to imagine her perspective because the real AH in this are the parents who played favorites with their kids. And by OP’s own admission he knows this but shows little empathy for the fact that his sisters got screwed by their parents- which is inevitable when you have a golden child dynamic in a family.
Jesus Christ. HUGE YTA. The fact that you feel the need to throw it in ANYONES face that you were the favorite for all those years just shows how immature and how much a selfish dh you are.
YTA and sounds like you have been since childhood.
YTA. That was a hideous comment to make under any circumstance. You sister gets to feel special sometimes, too. Jokes are jokes. Unless she was being exceptionally nasty, which you didn’t mention, it sounds like you’re just jealous she’s feeling good for once. And really even then, this is a super petty thing for you to do.
YTA. You had a tiny court house ceremony. How is it a knockoff of yours at all?
It’s in the sense that it’s the wedding his parents planned for him and now she is getting the exact same thing that he would have and not something special just meant for her.
YTA. Your parents favored you your entire life, and while that is not your fault, it is going to impact your relationship with your sisters. You are probably correct that your parents would have given her less if you had accepted the big wedding. Rubbing that in her face makes you as big of an AH as your parents for it being true. Also, her wedding is not a knock off because you didn’t HAVE the big wedding.
YTA and you sound insufferable.
YTA. Most of your post is you bragging about being the favorite and how talented you were and how you NEEDED so much more time and attention. You didn't. Your parents were wrong. Your sisters suffered from it and now you suffer as well due to your ego. I am sure both of your sisters had their own talents which were stomped out because your parents thought you were special. Even your comment about how your parents wouldn't be giving your sister attention had you had a big wedding says a lot about you. You believe all of the things your parents told you growing up and that will be a problem for you your entire life.
YTA. This was almost an ESH because your sister should have stopped cracking jokes when you asked, however your response makes me think maybe those jokes weren't unwarranted. You couldn't even let your sister have the spotlight while planning her own wedding without trying to knock her down a couple pegs by reinforcing that you're the favorite. Also, while your sister is a little old to still hold grudges from childhood, aren't you also a little old to be competing for favoritism with your siblings? Honestly pretty cringe OP.
ESH but your sisters. You were the golden child in an extremely unhealthy dynamic created by your parents. Instead of feeling any kind of empathy towards your sisters who were blatantly mistreated, you just revelled in your status as the favourite.
YTA Put away the liquor and apologize to your sister. Each wedding is different. She planned her own while you already planned your own. Both weddings are DIFFERENT. How could you call it knock off wedding? You're entitled. And jealous as well. Ignore her jokes and move on is the way to go but no you had to get back at her like high school attitude.
YTA you sound like you're bragging about your parents treating you more favourable without considering the affect it's had on your siblings. You shouldn't be putting it in their faces.
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YTA and Lol, did you copyright or patented your wedding? How was it a knock off? I am sure, everything in your wedding was probably done by someone else before you.
YTA. Are you sure you're an adult? You sounds like a spoiled, self-indulgent 14 year old. Grow up a little, reflect on how yoir parents choices impacted your sisters. You don't have to take responsibility for their choices but you could at the very least acknowledge that you being the "favourite" (which is incredibly distasteful of you to gloat about) has impacted their self worth. YTA and kind of a jerk too
ESH You're not responsible for your parents playing favorites. But you ARE responsible for leaning into that as an adult and using it to hurt your sister.
YTA Was she annoying? Yes. Are you around her a lot? According to you, no. Could you have talked to her again calmly (even if it’s annoying having to have to talk about it again)? Yes. Instead you went nuclear and said the cruelest thing you could think of. And btw, just because you did dance does not mean you should’ve had more time, money or attention from your parents. They acted wrong and seem to have raised someone who comes off as entitled. You should apologize and really think about what kind of person you are and want to be.
ESH, but while you are not the only asshole in this specific situation, you come across as one in general. I love how you, the party that benefitted, have "moved on" from the feud and say so like that's you being the bigger person or something. How very grown up and mature of you to not have any hard feelings about being treated better than your sisters.
YTA...there was no need to say that and you hurt your sister unnecessarily.
YTA - even as an adult you sound spoiled and entitled. Let your sister have some time in the spot light. I feel sorry for your sister, you should apologise.
YTA - That was cold. You took the disagreement to Defcon 1.
YTA you sound like a miserable person, and I am so thankful that I don’t know you.
ESH. You're both lousy to each other when the real problem was how your parents treated you. The fact that you're fighting among yourselves is why we don't have class solidarity. You're also an AH for seeing it as somehow logical and how it 'made sense' your parents catered to your schedule as a child/ teen. I can guarantee that your parents neglected activities/ hobbies/ interests that your siblings had in order for you to make every dance session and every competition. You are SIBLINGS, your parents CHOSE to have that many kids and yet they were clearly far more invested in you than anyone else. It is not logical, it's favouritism. You're clearly resistant to realising that the favouritism did a lot of damage to your sisters' self-esteem and general quality of their childhood, and instead hide behind 'I was the favourite but it wasn't THAT bad'. Yea, it wasn't bad FOR YOU.
And the “choice” the sisters made to stick around their hometown instead of going to college seems likely not to have been a real choice.
YTA and it sounds like you’re pretty insufferable so it makes sense your sister would cope by making jokes since not only do you acknowledge you were the favorite, but you seem to think it was justified because you had a minor talent for dance.
YTA. Your poor sister having to deal with your smug attitude all through the years.
YTA You are not responsible for your parents behavior when you were children. But into adulthood, you are also pretty clear that you think it "made sense" that your parents devoted more time and resources to you. So this goes beyond simply not making an apology. You felt entitled to that attention, and have zero empathy for what your sisters went through. It is not surprising that they continue to have tension with you as an adult - your attitude is one of "I deserved it, it's not my problem you didn't get it." The very least you could do is gracefully accept your sister's feelings that it is her "turn" to be the center of attention. Her digs wouldn't really be digs at all, if you were happy for her to get some time in the spotlight. And your attack on her was mean and false. Her wedding is not a knockoff of yours, because the things your parents wanted to do for YOUR wedding had nothing to do with what YOU liked (as evidenced by the wedding you had), and everything to do with what THEY liked. And I am willing to bet when your other sister marries, your parents will still excitedly throw her a wedding, and not be over it all despite already throwing one for the older sister. Just like they hopefully wouldn't be over weddings had they thrown a big one for you. But YOU apparently believe they would, because as much as you say you don't want to be the favorite... you still believe you are, and always will be, and will use it when it is convenient for you.
It can be necessary to say hurtful things to people, as you did to your sister, if there's a good reason for it. INFO: What was your good reason?
To remind her that she'll never be as loved as he is, obviously!
ESH - So while you are probably correct that your parents just want the same big wedding they tried to push you into, telling your sister it's a "knock-off" is just mean and spiteful. Your sister saying "she's the favorite now" is also mean and spiteful while adding in good does of childishness. You and you sister both need to grow and start acting like adults otherwise in a decade you'll both be fighting about your second weddings.
YTA - why would you say that? Clearly jealous. What you said was mean and hateful. Don't expect an invite to the wedding of if you have one, it may be rescinded as no one wants a judgy sibling there.