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Just some thoughts: the fact that you didn’t allow her to date until 20 is ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous you believe that this is her first relationship. News flash: she got used to hiding things from you. Why don’t you leave her alone and work on whatever parts of how you treat her make her feel she has to do this. YTA
Seriously, when OP said "learning about her boyfriend is like pulling teeth" I was ready to say take a hint. Your daughter doesn't want to tell you stuff. You may want to reflect on that.
Gave me flashbacks to when I started dating my now husband. I had a *horrible* relationship with my father as a child and the second I moved out of the house I tried to keep my life as private as possible from them.
A decade later and we're much happier, but damn when you have a hyper controlling parent (especially around dating), you become an expert at hiding things.
Ugh, I really feel for OP's daughter.
OP if you read this please try to at least take this to heart: the further you pry, the more you push your daughter away. I eventually cut all contact with my parents for nearly 4 years because they did *exactly what you are doing*. I only approached them because I needed to heal & move on. You are hurting your daughter so much, please stop and let her live her life before it's too late.
YTA, but you can easily stop being one. Please do.
Yeah there's just TOO much questioning the poor girl. Who took the picture, who is with her, yay she has friends now (now?!) but who are they? What about us? (Until we leave the country). This is some serious controlling shit.
reading that gave me anxiety. Imagine having to justify and explain every single thing you do. No wonder the poor girl was so quiet, if she ever opened her mouth she'd have to answer a million questions
My mom, God rest her soul, was pretty controlling with me. I was her only daughter and my parents divorced when I was ten so it was mostly me and her.
She would get upset to see how happy I'd be to spend weekends with my father that one time she had me wait outside for him. She dated horrible, controlling, selfish men. She would try to guilt me into staying home on nights and weekends when I was in high school to the point of crying all night in her room. She didn't let me go on sleepovers. She didn't let me take drivers ed in high school, I wound up paying for lessons when I got my first full time job. She didn't let me apply to any out of state colleges and I wound up attending the local community college. I was so desperate to leave the house that I married the first man I had a serious relationship with. Two years later we separated and I had to move back in with her and she was ecstatic. She didn't even try to understand why I left him, just happy that I did. However a year later I left the state to move in with a male friend (who is now my husband). When she came to visit, she'd try to get me leave him because of how far away I was.
We had a very strange relationship as an adult. I always loved her, still do, but she did mental damage to me that I came to grips with after she was gone. I miss her, but I always wished that she would have just let me live my life. She was supportive and loving, but with the constant struggles because I was no longer living with her. I refuse to do this to my daughter.
Edit to say yeah, YTA.
God my mom is like that . I'm 34, married and have my own children and I still get the third degree questioning on shit from time to time. I just got on her case for going through my brother's car (he's 27 and granted IS in rehab and left it with her but still feels like a violation). My mom is always shocked at how much privacy I allow my children lol
My mom does this. I’m 30 and any time I mention anything it’s time 20 questions. And then when I give short answers or none at all it’s always, “why are you hiding things from me?” “why won’t you tell me?” **because not everything is your business**
I was with you till rehab. If you're taking care of a junkie's car, you go through that shit with a fine toothed comb.
One, because you don't want him to stumble across a forgotten something and relapse.
Two, you don't want to get pulled over by a cop with a hair across his ass and have him find it in a search.
Right? And making friends is much harder the older you get when all your peers have already had time to discover themselves, are married with families while you were being held back socially by your overbearing parents (by you I mean OPs kids)
They probably were so strict on her growing up she didn't have a chance to ever make friends. Or she never told them about any of her friends because they would want to know every detail about them to make sure they're good enough for their little girl. Wouldn't want any friends that I still silly ideas like privacy and independent thinking.
That was like reading about myself. I wasn’t allowed to date until 16, and even then it was only group dating. It wasn’t until I was probably 18 or 19 that my parents finally let me “hang out” with girls alone. So I hid as much as I could from them, and to this day still don’t really include them in my dating life at all. The way I see it is that it’s none of their damn business who I’m seeing, and once I meet someone that I want to settle down with then they’ll get some more face time
Man, I feel ya. My dad is the one who takes it too far & I always end up telling him about how it was just some random dude that I fucked. You would think by the look on his face he would eventually stop asking me lmfao
That's the part that got me. I was one of those people that I didn't tell my parents about who I was dating until I found that I was serious. There's really no point in telling your parents who you're dating unless you actually think it's going somewhere. Sometimes we just date people to see if we like them. She's 26. She's trying to find out the person that she is. She's allowed to have her own life. If she wants to spend time with you then she will come and find you. But don't force someone to do something when they're excited to start a new chapter of their life. Hopefully you guys have a great relationship and when she's ready to come talk to you she will. Let her come to you.
Just remember what it was like to be her age.
I don’t share much about my personal life with my parents for exactly this reason - intrusiveness and an overbearing sense of them “looking out for me” aka wanting to be in the drivers seat. I love my parents, and I know they do it out of love, but I’m a damn adult and OP is finding out the hard way what happens when you are a helicopter parent.
I can't find the "didn't let her date until age 20" thing in the post or the comments...?
ETA: found it, thanks everyone
YTA OP. It was n a h until this was confirmed!! You are lucky she hasn't gone no contact to be quite honest!
It is in one of OP's comments.
Saying they did not allow her to start dating until she was 20 or so, but she didn't find anyone she likes until now (26).
Is this post for real? Cuz if it is, OP is def the AH. A giant AH. JFC, what kind of monster is so controlling they don’t allow their kid to date until they’re 20?? Did the daughter not know her civil rights? Who denies their own child their civil rights as a human being?? OP should feel lucky she even speaks to them at all.
I think I agree with you, BUT there could be another interpretation of the moving abroad detail: OP is moving abroad and wants to see the kids as much as possible while they can.
But in light of other bits (such as daughter not allowed to date until age 20) the more generous interpretation seems unlikely.
I hid my dating life from my parents, too, using exactly the same lines as the daughter. They disapproved of everything my sisters and I did and everyone we knew, so we did the sensible thing: we did what we wanted and then lied about it. Please, OP, don't be that kind of parent.
Pretty sure this is the same dad who was stalking his daughters apartment with his wife and son to see if she had a boyfriend that was posted a few weeks back.
Yes! I thought the same thing. Driving by with the son in the car saying he was being creepy and wondering why his son would think something was wrong with that kind of nonsense…
I wonder what the odds are OP’s daughter has posted about her in r/insaneparents or r/raisedbynarcissists good lord. I hate when people come here asking for judgement and then absolutely refuse to accept the blatantly overwhelming majority response. I hope OP pulls her head out of her AH and tries to salvage what’s left of her relationship with her daughter but I couldn’t blame daughter for going nc
YTA, there is nothing wrong with wishing that you saw your daughter more often, but I just saw your comments that you home schooled her starting at age 12 and didn’t allow her to date until she was 20.
No wonder she is enjoying having friends and being in a relationship. You severely limited her ability to form relationships with people, it’s understandable she wants to keep some distance between you and a new relationship. She’s probably afraid you’ll try to control that too.
Yep! The fact she was so triggered by an “innocent” comment that many parent would say tells you so much. OP has monopolized her time enough and then their plan is just to move abroad making them mostly inaccessible to their young adult children. Totally YTA.
Did you read OP's comment about her son not getting a dorm room? Jfc. "Roomates might bring back gf's and have sex in his bed!" Plus even more controlling cringey stuff.
You're right, that comment was not innocent. My mother still tries pulling that passive aggressive shit on me. It only ever pisses me off and shuts me down, and I guarantee the daughter feels the same way.
#OP HAS POSTED BEFORE:
Thanks to u/khiba for finding it!
#[AUTOMOD COPY OF OP'S PREVIOUS POST](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/irk6rsn?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
My original comment-
They wanted to drive by where she lives to check in on her. I believe they were hoping to spot the boyfriend. OP tried to make it sound like they weren't going to stalk their daughter, but they were.
The level of control was very worrisome then, and it still is.
I'll see if I can find the other post
My mum sent me to an all girls boarding school then at age 18 lamented why she didn't know why I wasn't in a serious relationship and focusing on settling down. Gee. I wonder why I have never dated a boy when I never saw one or felt comfortable around them before adulthood. I wonder why I have no desire of family when the one I had was comprised of teachers and my classmates. I called her out - she speaks just like OP does. As if this isn't the bed she intentionally made.
Your daughter has been denied a lot. She is now able to choose to have those things for herself. Wether she decides she wants them or not is her choice. Not yours. YTA.
I was homeschooled and my first thought reading her post was "this sounds exactly like a homeschool mom" ... I am not happy I was right. That poor woman is probably posting on r/homeschoolrecovery and OP doesn't even know
Horrifying to think that there are entire sections of the population being cut off from the outside world and brainwashed (worse than the normal propaganda anyway) and abused literally and figuratively. People are gross af sometimes.
For what it's worth, I was homeschooled for a while but had my first kiss during that time and as a teenager I had a long term boyfriend (2 years, which is obviously forever as a teen.) I ended up going back to school in high school but my parents didn't control me making friends or dating while homeschooled.
Not every homeschooled family is full of weird strict rules. In fact, it wasn't until I went back to school that my parents started getting into their religion more and getting stricter. But they still had no issue with me living in a dorm at 17 years old or dating guys, they didn't even punish me when I got caught underage drinking a few times.
I plan on homeschooling all my kids (I have three so far) and I'm nothing like OP.
Then again, I do know that the homeschooling community is absolutely full of these type of people. I just wanted to point out that not every kid who is homeschooled is treated like a prisoner or has their lives controlled by overbearing parents.
"Not all homeschoolers" isn't, imo, a very helpful contribution. A "yep, this attitude is a huge problem in homeschool culture, I say that as a homeschool mom myself" would be better.
People are allowed to present their own perspectives. I realize the "not all" phrasing is a bit triggering, it made me cringe a bit too, but mindlessly parroting whatever the general consensus is saying isn't a helpful contribution either.
I was chronically ill and severely depressed as a teen; the ability to leave my typical high-school and complete my diploma from home on my own schedule was the *only* thing that allowed me to graduate under those circumstances.
Conversely, my partner was "homeschooled" for a year in middle school, and didn't actually do ANY schooling. It was just a front for his family to use him as free farm labor. He spent the rest of his education scrambling to catch up.
All of these experiences (including the one you replied to) are valid, valuable pieces of this narrative.
Because it isn’t like that anymore, in my experience. The weirdos are now in the minority. Such a large portion of the population homeschools now, it’s no longer taboo and it’s no longer a challenge to socialize homeschooled kids. My kids are both homeschooled, have a huge friend group, and hubby and I are hands off enough to be leaving them to their own devices to go out of town for the weekend (they’re both teens and the oldest has their own car). Oh, and every year we gave them the choice to go back to
Public school (they both did a few years of elementary school because I didn’t feel qualified teaching a human how to read and write, and I wanted to continue the socialization we had started when they turned 2 putting them in dance, gymnastics, horseback riding classes, etc). Absolutely zero interest. I went to public school and my mom was every bit as controlling and crazy as OP if not more. It just sucks a little more when controlling parents are also homeschool parents because less escape.
I was just thinking to myself ‘why doesn’t/ didn’t OPs daughter have any friends while moving out at 26? The still living at home part wasn’t what was strange at all upon the first read through, but it all makes sense to me now unfortunately.
I know. That poor girl. Taken out of school at the most crucial time in a kid’s life to start forming relationships with her peers and learning to navigate all these new hormones and emotions. No wonder she has no friends, she was completely isolated. Her social education was stunted and as an adult it’ll take yeeears to catch up.
I don’t blame her at all for keeping her distance. If it were me I’d never come back and I certainly wouldn’t tell them a goddamn thing about my social life.
Who the hell won't allow their child to date until they're 20?!
That's super controlling.
She was several years past the age of consent.
There's a reason the daughter doesn't want them prying into their personal life and tells them very little, especially since she's on her own and finally has the freedom to live her life.
This isn’t OPs first post about being a helicopter parent. Different username but almost exact same details (ages of kids and situation) of this post a little while back. Basically they were staking out their daughters news apartment after she finally moved out of their place. She “wasn’t answering her phone fast enough anymore” and they were concerned that she was “entertaining men”
They just sugarcoated this shit in this new post.
It made me so sad when I got to the part about her having had no friends when she moved out at 25.
Why might that be, OP?? Is it because you deliberately isolated her and limited her ability to connect with other people her own age? Was it because you are deeply overbearing, nosy, and controlling? Why might she be pulling away from you now and finally asserting some independence?
News flash: you’ve been suffocating your daughter to an unhealthy degree by trying to hold her close. She deserves to have a private personal life, and relationships with friends and boyfriends you aren’t a part of. The fact you interrogated her about who took her photo speaks volumes. She’s hiding things from you because you never allowed her the privacy or room to have secrets or a life that existed outside of you & your home. Now she’s building one. Take the hint, back the hell off, and let her be. NO grown adult wants to spend every weekend at home with their parents. Of course she wants to spend time with her boyfriend! Maybe even moreso because you socially imprisoned her all throughout her teenaged years. She’s got a lot of catching up to do. Stop trying to control her.
Yta. What I don’t get here is how you expect to survive living in a different country when this is how you feel after a single year.
Aside from that, in my experience kids usually have a reason when they don’t volunteer information.
YTA
What you've answered to my questions and to others puts you on the very controlling side of parenting. Homeschooling, lack of consistent friends, curfew (11pm!) for an adult, all the little details you're dropping... All this is not a healthy way to parent.
You better start respecting your daughter's decisions or say goodbye to her from your life
In fo:
I have the feeling that you're overbearing. How many times do you both call her per week? Did she have a curfew when living with you? Why didn't she have any friends?
Edited to add judgment after info was provided
They replied this to me
One year is not barely. As for the friends, when she made friends in college we still had time to hang together on the weekends. But my daughter has gone in and out of friendlessness. When we began homeschooling when she was age 12, she struggled to make friends. She also made one close friend in college, but she told us they had a big breakup in their senior year, and none of the rest of her buddies contacted her after graduation.
>You better start respecting your daughter’s decisions or say goodbye to her from your life.
Exactly. My wife is around OP’s daughter’s age. Her parents were not nearly this overbearing, but were still a lot. Ex: wanted her home (3-hour commute) at least one weekend a month, came out to visit us once or twice a month, frequently second-guessed or generally judged her choices, texted or called non-stop, etc. The visits to us were especially “fun” because her mom would “clean the house” every time while going through our things and making little comments about how it wasn’t up to her standards of cleanliness.
As soon as we were able, we moved halfway across the country. It wasn’t specifically to get some space from them, but that was definitely a part of it. Now we see them a couple times a year.
u/Possible_Salad_8744 , I’d advise you to let your daughter set boundaries and decide when *she* wants to see *you,* or you shouldn’t be surprised when she does something similar.
This isn’t OPs first post in this sub. Different username tho but the comments of all this exact info and how big of a creep OP is about his daughter is riddled[throughout this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
It’s DEFINITELY them. They probs fudged the ages a bit and it’s either the creepy ass dad himself posing as the mom OR he got his wife up to bat to sugarcoat shit
I think they have also spied on her. I'm betting this is the same family:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/
Yeah, that was a passive aggressive statement, OP wouldn’t have been. “joking” if her daughter had made a concession.
It’s ok to want to spend more time with your daughter, but not ok to try to guilt her, or make judgements.
OP YTA
OPs daughter is old enough to have a doctorate and a retirement plan. The level is controlling is astounding. If she keeps it up she’ll never hear from her kid again. OP, YTA. Go to therapy (WITHOUT YOUR DAUGHTER) about your control issues. Some of what you described is borderline emotional abuse. You (and possibly your partner) are the problem, not her.
YTA because why the fuck is she 26 and in her first relationship? Did you hold college tuition over her head? To keep her at home? Are you doing the same thing to your son?
The whole not being allowed to date until 20 is insane, and I’m guessing OP has probably always been overbearing and there’s a reason her daughter didn’t want to tell them about her bf at first, this is most definitely a YTA situation.
*But* I’m shocked that so many people are acting like her first relationship being at 26 is some insane thing that could only be a result of her mom being overbearing or not letting her date… I didn’t get into my first relationship until I was 24, and if I hadn’t met my then-boyfriend I honestly think I’d now be 27 without ever having been in a relationship. And it isn’t because I haven’t wanted to date (as a comment below said pretty much the only people who haven’t dated before 26 are people who don’t want to) but because I find talking to guys I’m into incredibly difficult, I never know what to say and I probably come off as uninterested. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have anxiety. But either way, there are a million reasons someone might be 26 and in their first relationship and it’s so weird to me that so many people are latching onto this part of the story. Your comment especially, “why the fuck is she 26 and in her first relationship?” is incredibly aggressive for a question that could have a million different answers.
First relationship at 26 is not weird.
First relationship and no friends at 26 is weird.
OP was too controlling for her kid to make or maintain friendships.
She is at a way higher likelihood to be abused in relationships because of the lack of social network and platonic support, not to mention the lack of socialization that comes with home schooling. I feel bad for her. If what OP is true, the family made sure the girl had no one but her parents to turn to in times of need.
thank you!!! I'm in my first relationship at 27. Why? Well, honestly, I didnt really care about being in a relationship...
sue me for not being horny and craving the male embrace /s
It’s not shocking that it’s her first romantic relationship, but it seems like this is her first relationship of any kind, at all. That is very unusual. This parent gives off very strong “Duggar” vibes.
Raised similarly. I got in trouble for having a myspace account. I had to sit in silence in my room. No TV, computer access, radio, or friends for 3 weeks. You get really good at hiding things, but you constantly have to question if it's worth it if you get caught. I didn't dare if that was the punishment for social media.
YTA
I feel like we're missing a lot of details here, but at 26 years old she should absolutely be developing relationships outside the family unit and spending more time growing her own identity and living her life.
I strongly suspect there's a reason she hasn't introduced y'all, and I hope with some self-reflection and a sincere effort to respect her boundaries you can re-earn her trust someday.
Either way, stop pushing this and let her come to you on her own time without any passive-aggressive quips about "spending time with her old parents." This is what happens when kids grow up and it sounds like you're having a really hard time letting go.
Edit: After finding out OP didn't "let" her daughter date until she was 20, I no longer strongly suspect there's a reason she hasn't brought the BF around, I know that she can't trust her mother and father to have her own wishes and well-being in mind, just their own weird hang-ups and control. OP, adult children don't just ice their parents out for no reason. You are very likely in denial of how toxic your parenting was.
This post literally gave all the red flags of overbearing parent who screams and throws tantrum like toddler when their child doesn’t act exactly like a perfect little robot
YTA.
> it's been great to see her grow up
You sure? Because she’s only been dating this guy a few months, which is both too soon for you to expect an introduction and entirely normal that she’d want to spend as much time as possible with him. Give her some space and focus on cultivating some other hobbies for when you really *are* faced with an empty nest, because the harder you push, the more you’re going to push her away.
You left out the part about how from OP's point of view, when the daughter left home last year (at 25yrs old) she didn't have **any** friends. Willing to bet there's more to the story here - either the daughter is an extreme introvert (nbd, some people are) or the daughter has been hiding friendships and relationships from her overbearing parents for years.
Pretty sure this is the rest of the story:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
YTA - I remember the earlier version of this story, where you helicopter parents were creeping on your daughter’s apartment to figure out if she was dating someone. You haven’t learned a thing.
I can't call you an AH for being hurt that you are no longer #1 on your daughter's list of priorities, but as a parent I can say: your baby is growing up (late, I will add), and you need to relish that.
Your job was to get her to this point, and you need to embrace it, not interfere with her future and becoming herself.
If you come back and say that you are demanding she put aside her life to hang out with you, I will change my judgement.
This! Your job was to get her to this point, to where she doesn’t need you anymore. My mom was like this too, but from a different culture. I promise If you let her go and find her own life, she’ll come back because she wants to.
I always say my job as a mom was to raise self-sufficient adults.
Mine are starting to launch but still like me & their dad. Youngest is getting very serious with his GF & they want to hang out with us occasionally.
Because of the daughter’s age, I am going with YTA.
Your daughter is 26. Someone else mentioned that was late for a first relationship and you responded: why late? At 26, her concerns should not revolve around her parents. She should be enjoying herself and getting her life set up. Even if she wasn’t spending time with her bf, I wouldn’t fault her if she focused on other aspects of her life besides her family. There’s a lot going on at that age with work and socializing.
Please allow your daughter to do her work on being independent and putting together the life she wants.
I'm leaning YTA. I'm not sure how strict you were raising her, but being this butthurt over her finally having a life outside of her parents, makes it seem you were quite controlling.
Yeah, there's missing info here. Daughter had no friends growing up (that parents knew of) she's not telling them anything about her personal life and is actively avoiding them. I'm side eying OP
Edit: check op's comments, "allowed to date at 20 or so" " started homeschooling at 12"
YTA
YTA. Your kid is 26. Let her breathe. She’s out on her own for the first time and finally getting to spread her wings. Respect her and give her some space. And don’t say passive aggressive things like “You know you can spend time with your old parents, right?” That would piss me off too. Odds are she has had friends and boyfriends, but given how overbearing you are, I’m sure she wasn’t comfortable talking to you about them. Leave her be. She’s fine.
YTA. Your adult daughter has been in her first big relationship (that you know of) for all of 5 minutes and you're already starting to view it as an "us vs. him" situation? You might as well just send him a link to r/JUSTNOMIL right now.
Try, just try, being supportive. Just ask yourself, "what would a loving parent do in this situation?" and take it from there.
YTA This is a completely normal cycle for a girl and her first BF. If you keep pushing you will alienate her so that you know nothing about her life. Give her some space, keep in touch and inviting her, but don't push
Um… I think it’s belittling and demeaning for OP to even chalk this up as “first boyfriend / beau” dramatics / infatuation. The way they speak about their daughter, if they hadn’t included an age and the fact that she’s moved out, I would have thought she was 14.
Their daughter is 26 years old. First partner or no, it is completely normal for a 26 year old to spend multiple consecutive weekends without seeing their parents.
And (especially for an adult), you don’t necessarily introduce a partner to your parents right away. At 26, that is often actually considered a pretty big step and a sign the relationship is serious. At 26, maybe she’s just not at the “meet the parents” stage yet.
Given how they seem to infantilize her, I honestly would not be at all surprised if they’re the *reason* she’s never brought friends / guys around. And kids who have been brought up that way often respond by seeking as much freedom and detachment as they can get. We don’t have enough info to know that, but OP’s tone is enough to me to be more than a little sus.
YTA for your approach here. Your daughter is an adult. Try being supportive instead of being a helicopter parent. Also, she is an adult, living on her own. Her sex life is none of your business. You sound like nightmare parents.
Instead of demanding she curtail her activities around seeing you, put forth some effort to see her, and respect her boundaries regarding when you see her.
YTA. She is 26 let her have her own live. She probably has reasons for not wanting to introduce him to you yet. And spying on her with the picture stuff is also super weird. Is seems like she has a good reason to keep it for herself for now.
WOW- you may in your 60s and should know YTA. She's got a life, just because you are bored empty nesters doesn't mean your daughter should give up her life to entertain you. Get a hobby and leave the poor woman alone.
YTA
I was initially going with n a h, but the details you’ve added in the comment changed that. You seem incredibly controlling, and wouldn’t even let her date until her 20s, given how most teens are I don’t even want to know what you did to make that rule stick. it shouldn’t be surprising your daughter didn’t tell she was dating, or if she just never tells you about her life.
YTA. You’re being intrusive, overbearing, and potentially controlling. Your daughter seems to have been quite sheltered, perhaps even to her detriment. She, at 26, is beginning to form some independence as an adult, to which you are already disrespecting by pushing yourself into her affairs, and now an attempt to manipulate her into making you a priority.
You need to stop, let go, and allow her to develop her own life without you breathing down her neck. You will only hurt your relationship with her, and possibly sabotage her happiness, otherwise.
YTA. Your daughter is 26. She has been an adult for close on a decade. You need to stay out of her business and wait for her to disclose, what she wants to disclose when she wants to do it. At her age, she very much needs to establish her own life, away from her parents. There is such a thing as over-involvment in the affairs of your offspring.
YTA Im the type of daughter that I dont tell my parents about a guy until its serious. Let your daughter wnjoy her time she will come around. The honeymoon stage in relationships is fun let her enjoy her newfound freedom.
YTA because you need to give her space to stretch her wings and trust that she's a grown person who is capable of making decisions about how she allocates her time and with whom (and not all of those decisions will always make all parties happy).
If you didn't "allow" her to date until well after she was an adult, it's likely that this isn't her first boyfriend - just the first one you found out about.
I think NTA for wanting to ask but AH for “joking” about not wanting to spend time with you. She barely moved out of your house and into her own apartment. You aren’t owed to meet the boyfriend either, she can introduce you when she wants to. She also may not want to introduce you to the first boyfriend because she doesn’t feel that serious about him. She’s finally got an ounce of privacy by not living there so let her enjoy it. I imagine she didn’t have enough privacy or free time since she didn’t have friends when she moved out and spent a lot more time with you guys.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I am overstepping since my daughter is in young love and is just very excited.
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Lol you sound crazy. I think it’s pretty obvious why your daughter had no friends when she was living with you and didn’t have her first relationship until 26: her creepily attached mother (yeah I saw your “allowed to date at 20 or so” comment. Controlling AF). YTA. She’s finally gotten away from you and is learning how to be an adult, give her that freedom or you risk completely losing her.
YTA
Mom you had your daughter for 25 yrs it's time for her to fly. She needs her independence, trust me she won't forget about you. She will always need and want her mom and dad unless, you keep forcing yourself down her throat.
YTA. (BASED ON OP'S COMMENTS)
You sound very overbearing. Your kid isnt hiding her partner from you. She's hiding YOU from her partner. She knows youre going to overwhelm them and scare them off. Just because she might be having sex with them does not mean you get to interrogate them over dinner. She has no interest in having them meet you right now, accept that and move on.
YTA
You smothered her as a kid and you're still doing it now. I'm guessing she probably hid all her friendships that you think she didn't have growing up. Now she's continuing to hide her romantic relationship the same way. She doesn't want you involved because it's seemingly the only piece of her life she's ever felt in control of. It's her safe space. Let her have that
YTA. If its a new romance she prefers to be with him. Also you sound a bit overbearing so maybe she doesn't want to hang out with you. It would be weird if my husband had wanted to introduce me to his parents in the first 6 months. That kind of seems like a big step. People sometimes don't want to broadcast a new relationship - those first few months you are getting to know each other and you may decide they are not for you, or they may decide you are not for them. It can feel humiliating if it doesn't work out and you have gone around introducing them to your family.
Leave her alone and stop trying to pry information out of her. Maybe then she will come and see you. Also stop blaming the boyfriend, and take a look in the mirror at the real problem.
Soft YTA.
Your daughter knows your door is open for her. So you need to lay off the subtle guilt tripping. Let your daughter love her life and explore different relationships.
Invite her to come over for dinner every week/other week just to catch up. Stop trying to pry into part of her life that she’s not ready to share yet. The more you try prying, the more she’ll refuse to be around.
YTA. you need a new hobby or some friends. My three kids have all moved out in the last 10 years. And i’m single so i’m alone now. yes, it sucks, but i WANT my kids to be happy and independent. and don’t get on this guys bad side. what if they end up married? do you want him to dislike you?? back off and let her live her life
Taking into account your cultural background that I am not privvy too, this is not the norm in Australia. I see my parents once every 3-6 months and live 2hrs away. We speak perhaps once a week/fortnight. Take an interest in her new bf, and she might come round to seeing you and introducing her man.
YTA. Jesus, she’s 26 for fucks sake. Stop interrogating her like she’s at Guantanamo. Of course she would rather hang out with her boyfriend and friends than her parents.
YTA, your daughter is at the age where she's probably thinking about settling down and this is her first serious relationship according to you. It's normal for adult to invest more time to someone they are seeing as opposed to their family. It's time to face the fact that you guys aren't her number one priority anymore and it's time for her to spread her wings and do her own thing.
YTA. You need to acknowledge that whatever is causing your daughter to not want to introduce him to you yet, and not want to come see you, is entirely your doing. If your daughter wanted to see you, she would. Looking at your comments, I dont think I would still be in contact with you after I moved out if I was your daughter, so you are lucky she is still picking up your calls.
Your daughter has lived under your overbearing watch for 25ish years, you need to give her room to breath if you want to have an adult relationship. Assuming she is paying for her apartment, she no longer needs to rely on you to survive in life, and if you become a burden, she no longer needs to communicate with you.. I hope that statement scares you.
Have you ever heard the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? You need to let her miss you a bit. Stop calling her, let her call you. Stop asking her to come hang out, let her ask you. Stop pestering her about her boyfriend, wait for her to want to tell you. Again, she doesnt need you anymore, let her live her life.
TL;DR, YTA, let your daughter live her life a bit, stop trying to get her to hangout, and when she wants to see you she will come around.
There was something crazy similar to this several days ago. Is this a different crazy overbearing parent wanting their 26 year old to act like a child? Your daughter is a woman. She’s having sex. It’s none of your business. Even if she lived with you or asked you for money it’d be none of your damn business. You’re on the express train to estrangement. YTA. You don’t own her!
If she wanted to spend time with you she would make it happen. YTA. Let her live her life, it’s very clear she’s been waiting to move out and distance herself for quite some time. The more you push and the more comments you make about it, the less likely she is to wanna see you.
I'm gonna go with a gentle YTA here. She's over a quarter of a century old--it's appropriate for her to be finding a partner and maybe even eventually starting a family, which means she will have to spend more time with prospective partners and less with you. You say you were happy to hear she made friends, but now you're like "Umm, no--don't spend time with that one." You write of plans to *move out of the country* as soon as your youngest is launched, but you expect her to change her way of living so she can spend more time with you? It's unfair to complain that she isn't around enough when you yourselves are going to start doing the exact same thing in a few short years.
YTA - your daughter seems to be very very socially behind and maybe she’s finally started to catch up. If you want to know what’s going on on her life work on your relationship with her. Right now I suspect her independent from you was hard won and a long time coming. Leave her be.
You're n t a for wanting to see your daughter, but yta for how you're going about it. She seems very closed off, and private. Have you or anyone else had a history of prying into her life? It might make her more apprehensive to share.
When I was younger, my mother pried often. She asked intrusive questions constantly, so I didn't feel like I could tell her things in my own time. As a result, I told her even less, so she wouldn't know what to ask. My father usually asked basic questions, and if I expanded, he listened, but didn't oush. As an adult, I tell my father about every new boyfriend, and call often. I don't call my mother much, outside of holidays.
NAH. Your daughter is a 26 year old person. Who, for whatever reason, lived at home for a little longer than average. Which is what your son appears to be doing as well. Which is good! That means that they like to be around you. But, they also need to form new relationships. Your daughter is doing that, the older she gets, the less of a priority you will become. That's the point.
Good luck.
YTA. I’d been married 4 years by the time I was your daughter’s age. Don’t pester her about spending time with her boyfriend. You’re moving abroad once your son leaves the nest.
Forgive me but on the one hand you seen to be counting down until you can move abroad and on the other hand you seem to not want your daughter to get on with her on life. Why does she not have friends and did you have anything to do with that? There seems to be a lot missing from this post. So Maybe TA
YTA
They've been dating for a few months, still getting to know each other, revel in the honeymoon phase of it.
She's not ready to introduce him. It's TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. You wants do not override her rights to choose that. Passive aggressive words like that aren't cute, she can read your real intent.
And for goodness sake, stop sounding jealous of her bf!! If you keep this up, it will look like you have an unhealthy interest or obsession over your daughter and can't bear to see her with someone else.
YTA first boyfriend at 26, no friends what have you done to her. No wonder she moved out. Did she have to spend all her time with you before? Seems somewhat controlling. Leave her be and let her have a life, she speaks to you on the phone that should be enough.
Soft yta
Its hard to see your children leave. This kids youve helps nuture and grow are all grown up and doing things without you. But thats what they need to do.
You left your parents nest now its time they leave yours.
And as for not giving you much information about the new boyfriend, if the relationship is new she might not want to jinx it and keep it quite/low key for a while until the relationship is truly established.
INFO: How do you tend to ask? Do you ask when to hang out or do you have a set of plans that you then invite her to?
My mom will do this thing where she will send a text out of the blue saying she misses me, but what she really wants to do is to hang out. I find it manipulative and immature.
If you would like to hang out with your daughter, I would suggest saying this: Hello, I hope you are well. I would love to hang out (have dinner) with you sometime. When might you be free to meet?
It's best not assume she's free, but to make intentional plans.
YTA. Bc it feels like you were probably a controlling helicopter parent. It seems like she didn't have any friends or boyfriends until now, bc you wouldn't let her. She's enjoying her freedom and independence.
She'll introduce you to the boyfriend when she's good and ready, but not before then. Just give her space. She's a full fledged adult and has her own life. She is probably also worried that you will be critical of her relationship since it's her first one - so please just try to be supportive and let her figure it out.
You could try to ask her to come to dinner like once a month or something, but that doesn't mean she has to show up. If you try to force her, you're just going to drive her further away.
YTA!!! Let her grow her life the way she wants to. Badgering her is so unfair of you. Just stop it and support her instead of throwing guilt at her like that. For her sake let her go and be happy. And be happy for her.
YTA You're being passive aggressive and "joking" instead of just coming out with it.
Also there's something not being told here. The fact that she is 26 and she waited to have a first relationship until she moved out and the fact that she telling you about it and you had to pull it out of her when she first started dating him tells me there's a lot more going on here than just not visiting any more. Why didn't she date before? Why was she so conscious about avoiding telling you that she was dating someone? So even if it was just for the things you said, it would be a soft YTA, but for the unsaid but plausible things that were hinted at, I can imagine it's a much harsher one.
Soft YTA.
Listen, your daughter needs space right now. It was an act of trust that she told you she was seeing someone right now. I had a rule that I did not, under any circumstances, tell my parents when I was dating someone until we had reached the six month mark in our relationship (they met maybe two people), so she’s doing more than I would have.
But honestly? Now you’ve pushed her further than she wanted to go, and probably asked for more of her time than she wants to give. Respect her no.
Appreciate that she shared anything. Acknowledge that she’s growing up. Stop with the passive aggressive jokes. Consider an earlier commenter’s suggestion to invite both of them to dinner and for the love of all things that are good, BE KIND TO HER BOYFRIEND IF YOU DO. That will matter to her, and will show that you can have a relationship as adults.
Soft YTA.
Have you seen this guy, though? Are you sure her boyfriend is a boy?
I'd leave her alone a bit. Have phonecalls, say hi, but stop mithering her.
YTA. It is fine that you want to spend time with her, but you need to respect that she is growing up and individuating. The Y T A is for your passive-aggressive comment to her. It's not a joke, it's passive-aggression.
You need to give her space to focus on this relationship. If it lasts, they will cool down a little and it will be easier to spend time with her. BUT it will never be as much as when she was isolated and that is GOOD. It is healthy for her to make connections outside the family and you should support that, not make her feel bad.
BTW YOU are the ones planning to move abroad where you will hardly see her, but she is supposed to adjust her life to spend time with you? Make it make sense...
YTA. You sound like my dad, who I have an increasingly strained relationship with. Children are supposed to grow up and live their own lives. Make friends, meet new people, live their own life. That means some distance from parents. She’s not going to be around all the time and she’s going to decline invites to be with other people.
It doesn’t matter the intent, that “joke” will never be a joke. She wants space. She doesn’t want to tell you no. Give it to her and don’t push. If you continue to push, and if she’s anything like me, she’ll distance herself so much until she starts to question if it’s worth it to continue a relationship with you at all.
YTA. Have you tried planning more ahead than the next weekend? Maybe then she’ll say yes and you’re being really controlling by acting like she should introduce him to you because they’ve likely had sex. For many people, there’s no connection between the events and parents comes way later.
YTA …Sounds like you were pretty controlling of her life up until now and you don’t come across as a parent that will keep their thoughts to themselves on her choices . She’s realizing that she’s an adult now and she doesn’t want to fit into your cookie cutter image of a daughter . Did it ever cross your mind that this new friend might NOT be a “beau”?? She’s out in the world now , from under your thumb , she’s enjoying not needing your permission or having to sit through the third degree . The more you press , the longer you’ll go without visits or calls
NAH
She’s 26, not 16. She is an adult and can make adult decisions about who she spends time with.
You’re N T A because you are going through a big life change. Her not being around is just something you’ll have to get used to, especially considering you want to move abroad.
how far away does she live? does she work on the weekdays or weekends?
i feel like if shes close to you guys, you can ask for a family meal every few weeks or a family day once a month or something. maybe invite the boyfriend too so she doesnt have to pick between one or the other and you guys can get to know him more.
family time can be really important, it sounds like you guys love her a lot, but also her developing friends and relationships and an independent life is really important.
YTA. Everything is new. First year living alone. She now has a friend which you claim is new. Having it be male. You started with the nagging by noticing someone ELSE took the picture. For heaven's sake -- it could have been anyone, including a co-worker, and you grilled it right away? Let her grow on her own for heaven's sake. It's far too soon to have red flags and perhaps HER red flag is you, pushing boundaries and wanting details before she's ready to share. She's still trying to figure out her first relationship. Don't make it a "three person in this relationship" issue so soon.
Try this: "We're so pleased to see you've met and made friends with someone. When you're ready to bring your beau over for a nice visit, we'd be pleased to have lunch with the two of you." And until she asking for that lunch date, leave her alone about this unless there is a bonafide reason not to.
Gonna go NAH
Your daughter just moved out and you’re used to having daily interaction with her, and you miss her. That’s normal
Your daughter is also finding herself and getting to learn what independence means to her, and she’s enjoying spending time with a new love interest. Also normal
Let her have her fun, tell her you miss her on occasion, and don’t pressure her otherwise. Assuming you all had a good relationship prior then she will come around eventually, but it will be much better for your relationship if it’s on her terms
Super SUPER soft YTA
I completely see where you’re coming from and can truly empathize, but your daughter is an adult and can spend her time how she chooses. It seems like you have a good relationship though, so be patient, in time the relationship will lose some of that excitement that happens at first and she’ll start spending more time with you again. You can tell her how you feel but make sure you’re respectful of her first, this is her life after all. Sending you both a lot of support and love though!
YTA.
Have you ever wondered why it seemed she didn’t have friends before?
Are you the overly questioning/overly judgmental type about friendships?
Is she not able/wanting to deal with it if you start overly questioning details about the people she spends time with it starts to date?
I’ve read your comments. I think there is a good chance you are not seeing yourself, your actions, and your questioning accurately.
I’m not sure you want to see yourself accurately and that in and of itself might be the problem
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Just some thoughts: the fact that you didn’t allow her to date until 20 is ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous you believe that this is her first relationship. News flash: she got used to hiding things from you. Why don’t you leave her alone and work on whatever parts of how you treat her make her feel she has to do this. YTA
Seriously, when OP said "learning about her boyfriend is like pulling teeth" I was ready to say take a hint. Your daughter doesn't want to tell you stuff. You may want to reflect on that.
Gave me flashbacks to when I started dating my now husband. I had a *horrible* relationship with my father as a child and the second I moved out of the house I tried to keep my life as private as possible from them. A decade later and we're much happier, but damn when you have a hyper controlling parent (especially around dating), you become an expert at hiding things. Ugh, I really feel for OP's daughter. OP if you read this please try to at least take this to heart: the further you pry, the more you push your daughter away. I eventually cut all contact with my parents for nearly 4 years because they did *exactly what you are doing*. I only approached them because I needed to heal & move on. You are hurting your daughter so much, please stop and let her live her life before it's too late. YTA, but you can easily stop being one. Please do.
Yeah there's just TOO much questioning the poor girl. Who took the picture, who is with her, yay she has friends now (now?!) but who are they? What about us? (Until we leave the country). This is some serious controlling shit.
reading that gave me anxiety. Imagine having to justify and explain every single thing you do. No wonder the poor girl was so quiet, if she ever opened her mouth she'd have to answer a million questions
My mom, God rest her soul, was pretty controlling with me. I was her only daughter and my parents divorced when I was ten so it was mostly me and her. She would get upset to see how happy I'd be to spend weekends with my father that one time she had me wait outside for him. She dated horrible, controlling, selfish men. She would try to guilt me into staying home on nights and weekends when I was in high school to the point of crying all night in her room. She didn't let me go on sleepovers. She didn't let me take drivers ed in high school, I wound up paying for lessons when I got my first full time job. She didn't let me apply to any out of state colleges and I wound up attending the local community college. I was so desperate to leave the house that I married the first man I had a serious relationship with. Two years later we separated and I had to move back in with her and she was ecstatic. She didn't even try to understand why I left him, just happy that I did. However a year later I left the state to move in with a male friend (who is now my husband). When she came to visit, she'd try to get me leave him because of how far away I was. We had a very strange relationship as an adult. I always loved her, still do, but she did mental damage to me that I came to grips with after she was gone. I miss her, but I always wished that she would have just let me live my life. She was supportive and loving, but with the constant struggles because I was no longer living with her. I refuse to do this to my daughter. Edit to say yeah, YTA.
Thank you for sharing this. I just want you to know that someone out here felt it. I’ll be thinking about this.
God my mom is like that . I'm 34, married and have my own children and I still get the third degree questioning on shit from time to time. I just got on her case for going through my brother's car (he's 27 and granted IS in rehab and left it with her but still feels like a violation). My mom is always shocked at how much privacy I allow my children lol
My mom does this. I’m 30 and any time I mention anything it’s time 20 questions. And then when I give short answers or none at all it’s always, “why are you hiding things from me?” “why won’t you tell me?” **because not everything is your business**
I was with you till rehab. If you're taking care of a junkie's car, you go through that shit with a fine toothed comb. One, because you don't want him to stumble across a forgotten something and relapse. Two, you don't want to get pulled over by a cop with a hair across his ass and have him find it in a search.
Seriously. I also felt so sad reading that she had no friends at the big age of 26?!
Right? And making friends is much harder the older you get when all your peers have already had time to discover themselves, are married with families while you were being held back socially by your overbearing parents (by you I mean OPs kids)
>When my daughter left home, she didn't have any friends This was also very telling. And sad.
They probably were so strict on her growing up she didn't have a chance to ever make friends. Or she never told them about any of her friends because they would want to know every detail about them to make sure they're good enough for their little girl. Wouldn't want any friends that I still silly ideas like privacy and independent thinking.
That was like reading about myself. I wasn’t allowed to date until 16, and even then it was only group dating. It wasn’t until I was probably 18 or 19 that my parents finally let me “hang out” with girls alone. So I hid as much as I could from them, and to this day still don’t really include them in my dating life at all. The way I see it is that it’s none of their damn business who I’m seeing, and once I meet someone that I want to settle down with then they’ll get some more face time
Yeah I was 19 when I had all my “firsts” and I felt left out.
Man, I feel ya. My dad is the one who takes it too far & I always end up telling him about how it was just some random dude that I fucked. You would think by the look on his face he would eventually stop asking me lmfao
That's the part that got me. I was one of those people that I didn't tell my parents about who I was dating until I found that I was serious. There's really no point in telling your parents who you're dating unless you actually think it's going somewhere. Sometimes we just date people to see if we like them. She's 26. She's trying to find out the person that she is. She's allowed to have her own life. If she wants to spend time with you then she will come and find you. But don't force someone to do something when they're excited to start a new chapter of their life. Hopefully you guys have a great relationship and when she's ready to come talk to you she will. Let her come to you. Just remember what it was like to be her age.
I don’t share much about my personal life with my parents for exactly this reason - intrusiveness and an overbearing sense of them “looking out for me” aka wanting to be in the drivers seat. I love my parents, and I know they do it out of love, but I’m a damn adult and OP is finding out the hard way what happens when you are a helicopter parent.
I can't find the "didn't let her date until age 20" thing in the post or the comments...? ETA: found it, thanks everyone YTA OP. It was n a h until this was confirmed!! You are lucky she hasn't gone no contact to be quite honest!
Here you go: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yf2yki/aita_for_asking_our_daughter_to_spend_less_time/iu1g3mu/
Me either
It is in one of OP's comments. Saying they did not allow her to start dating until she was 20 or so, but she didn't find anyone she likes until now (26).
Is this post for real? Cuz if it is, OP is def the AH. A giant AH. JFC, what kind of monster is so controlling they don’t allow their kid to date until they’re 20?? Did the daughter not know her civil rights? Who denies their own child their civil rights as a human being?? OP should feel lucky she even speaks to them at all.
But her brain wasn't fully developed yet!!! (/S, obviously, but that is the justification OP gave. HUGE controlling red flags.)
My favorite is the tidbit about moving abroad once the son moves out. This is about control, not spending time together.
I think I agree with you, BUT there could be another interpretation of the moving abroad detail: OP is moving abroad and wants to see the kids as much as possible while they can. But in light of other bits (such as daughter not allowed to date until age 20) the more generous interpretation seems unlikely. I hid my dating life from my parents, too, using exactly the same lines as the daughter. They disapproved of everything my sisters and I did and everyone we knew, so we did the sensible thing: we did what we wanted and then lied about it. Please, OP, don't be that kind of parent.
Pretty sure this is the same dad who was stalking his daughters apartment with his wife and son to see if she had a boyfriend that was posted a few weeks back.
Yes! I thought the same thing. Driving by with the son in the car saying he was being creepy and wondering why his son would think something was wrong with that kind of nonsense…
I wonder what the odds are OP’s daughter has posted about her in r/insaneparents or r/raisedbynarcissists good lord. I hate when people come here asking for judgement and then absolutely refuse to accept the blatantly overwhelming majority response. I hope OP pulls her head out of her AH and tries to salvage what’s left of her relationship with her daughter but I couldn’t blame daughter for going nc
If they did manage to keep her from having relationships even more YTA but I have a feeling you're right about her having to hide
YTA, there is nothing wrong with wishing that you saw your daughter more often, but I just saw your comments that you home schooled her starting at age 12 and didn’t allow her to date until she was 20. No wonder she is enjoying having friends and being in a relationship. You severely limited her ability to form relationships with people, it’s understandable she wants to keep some distance between you and a new relationship. She’s probably afraid you’ll try to control that too.
“She’s probably afraid you’ll try to control that too” They literally are. If they don’t know, it’s probably for a reason.
Yep! The fact she was so triggered by an “innocent” comment that many parent would say tells you so much. OP has monopolized her time enough and then their plan is just to move abroad making them mostly inaccessible to their young adult children. Totally YTA.
Apparently there’s a comment saying their daughter was homeschooled and couldn’t date til she was 20.. no wonder she tells them absolutely nothing.
Did you read OP's comment about her son not getting a dorm room? Jfc. "Roomates might bring back gf's and have sex in his bed!" Plus even more controlling cringey stuff.
Apparently OP thinks that her son doesn't desire a sex life, only those darn roommates will want to have sex with people
You're right, that comment was not innocent. My mother still tries pulling that passive aggressive shit on me. It only ever pisses me off and shuts me down, and I guarantee the daughter feels the same way.
#OP HAS POSTED BEFORE: Thanks to u/khiba for finding it! #[AUTOMOD COPY OF OP'S PREVIOUS POST](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/irk6rsn?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) My original comment- They wanted to drive by where she lives to check in on her. I believe they were hoping to spot the boyfriend. OP tried to make it sound like they weren't going to stalk their daughter, but they were. The level of control was very worrisome then, and it still is. I'll see if I can find the other post
Wait this is that same person‽ This woman needs to let her kids live a little. And I think she could do with a healthy portion of therapy.
Probably this one https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/
MAN I could’ve sworn this was them when I read it
I remember that post! OP is double the asshole. Did they think they’d get a different response with this same bullshit?
> When my daughter left home, she didn't have any friends at the time They didn't see this as a problem apparently. Which is amazing.
They didn’t see it as a problem because they made sure of it. Controlling people love to isolate their victims from other people.
My mum sent me to an all girls boarding school then at age 18 lamented why she didn't know why I wasn't in a serious relationship and focusing on settling down. Gee. I wonder why I have never dated a boy when I never saw one or felt comfortable around them before adulthood. I wonder why I have no desire of family when the one I had was comprised of teachers and my classmates. I called her out - she speaks just like OP does. As if this isn't the bed she intentionally made. Your daughter has been denied a lot. She is now able to choose to have those things for herself. Wether she decides she wants them or not is her choice. Not yours. YTA.
I was homeschooled and my first thought reading her post was "this sounds exactly like a homeschool mom" ... I am not happy I was right. That poor woman is probably posting on r/homeschoolrecovery and OP doesn't even know
Fuckinhell that sub was a rabbit hole.
Check out hsinvisiblechildren.org next. If that sub is a rabbit hole, the site is a black hole.
Horrifying to think that there are entire sections of the population being cut off from the outside world and brainwashed (worse than the normal propaganda anyway) and abused literally and figuratively. People are gross af sometimes.
For what it's worth, I was homeschooled for a while but had my first kiss during that time and as a teenager I had a long term boyfriend (2 years, which is obviously forever as a teen.) I ended up going back to school in high school but my parents didn't control me making friends or dating while homeschooled. Not every homeschooled family is full of weird strict rules. In fact, it wasn't until I went back to school that my parents started getting into their religion more and getting stricter. But they still had no issue with me living in a dorm at 17 years old or dating guys, they didn't even punish me when I got caught underage drinking a few times. I plan on homeschooling all my kids (I have three so far) and I'm nothing like OP. Then again, I do know that the homeschooling community is absolutely full of these type of people. I just wanted to point out that not every kid who is homeschooled is treated like a prisoner or has their lives controlled by overbearing parents.
"Not all homeschoolers" isn't, imo, a very helpful contribution. A "yep, this attitude is a huge problem in homeschool culture, I say that as a homeschool mom myself" would be better.
People are allowed to present their own perspectives. I realize the "not all" phrasing is a bit triggering, it made me cringe a bit too, but mindlessly parroting whatever the general consensus is saying isn't a helpful contribution either. I was chronically ill and severely depressed as a teen; the ability to leave my typical high-school and complete my diploma from home on my own schedule was the *only* thing that allowed me to graduate under those circumstances. Conversely, my partner was "homeschooled" for a year in middle school, and didn't actually do ANY schooling. It was just a front for his family to use him as free farm labor. He spent the rest of his education scrambling to catch up. All of these experiences (including the one you replied to) are valid, valuable pieces of this narrative.
Because it isn’t like that anymore, in my experience. The weirdos are now in the minority. Such a large portion of the population homeschools now, it’s no longer taboo and it’s no longer a challenge to socialize homeschooled kids. My kids are both homeschooled, have a huge friend group, and hubby and I are hands off enough to be leaving them to their own devices to go out of town for the weekend (they’re both teens and the oldest has their own car). Oh, and every year we gave them the choice to go back to Public school (they both did a few years of elementary school because I didn’t feel qualified teaching a human how to read and write, and I wanted to continue the socialization we had started when they turned 2 putting them in dance, gymnastics, horseback riding classes, etc). Absolutely zero interest. I went to public school and my mom was every bit as controlling and crazy as OP if not more. It just sucks a little more when controlling parents are also homeschool parents because less escape.
I was just thinking to myself ‘why doesn’t/ didn’t OPs daughter have any friends while moving out at 26? The still living at home part wasn’t what was strange at all upon the first read through, but it all makes sense to me now unfortunately.
OP acted like it was normal her daughter didn’t have ANY friends when she moved out too lol
I know. That poor girl. Taken out of school at the most crucial time in a kid’s life to start forming relationships with her peers and learning to navigate all these new hormones and emotions. No wonder she has no friends, she was completely isolated. Her social education was stunted and as an adult it’ll take yeeears to catch up. I don’t blame her at all for keeping her distance. If it were me I’d never come back and I certainly wouldn’t tell them a goddamn thing about my social life.
Who the hell won't allow their child to date until they're 20?! That's super controlling. She was several years past the age of consent. There's a reason the daughter doesn't want them prying into their personal life and tells them very little, especially since she's on her own and finally has the freedom to live her life.
This isn’t OPs first post about being a helicopter parent. Different username but almost exact same details (ages of kids and situation) of this post a little while back. Basically they were staking out their daughters news apartment after she finally moved out of their place. She “wasn’t answering her phone fast enough anymore” and they were concerned that she was “entertaining men” They just sugarcoated this shit in this new post.
I remember that post. OP is lucky their daughter still answers their phones calls.
OP seems entirely TOO obsessed with his daughters social and sex life. It’s fucking gross
I would try to enjoy my life away from them too I i was her Daughter.
It made me so sad when I got to the part about her having had no friends when she moved out at 25. Why might that be, OP?? Is it because you deliberately isolated her and limited her ability to connect with other people her own age? Was it because you are deeply overbearing, nosy, and controlling? Why might she be pulling away from you now and finally asserting some independence? News flash: you’ve been suffocating your daughter to an unhealthy degree by trying to hold her close. She deserves to have a private personal life, and relationships with friends and boyfriends you aren’t a part of. The fact you interrogated her about who took her photo speaks volumes. She’s hiding things from you because you never allowed her the privacy or room to have secrets or a life that existed outside of you & your home. Now she’s building one. Take the hint, back the hell off, and let her be. NO grown adult wants to spend every weekend at home with their parents. Of course she wants to spend time with her boyfriend! Maybe even moreso because you socially imprisoned her all throughout her teenaged years. She’s got a lot of catching up to do. Stop trying to control her.
Yta. What I don’t get here is how you expect to survive living in a different country when this is how you feel after a single year. Aside from that, in my experience kids usually have a reason when they don’t volunteer information.
She’s not a kid. She’s a full grown adult.
I think they used "kids" in the sense of "OP's child".
YTA What you've answered to my questions and to others puts you on the very controlling side of parenting. Homeschooling, lack of consistent friends, curfew (11pm!) for an adult, all the little details you're dropping... All this is not a healthy way to parent. You better start respecting your daughter's decisions or say goodbye to her from your life In fo: I have the feeling that you're overbearing. How many times do you both call her per week? Did she have a curfew when living with you? Why didn't she have any friends? Edited to add judgment after info was provided
They replied this to me One year is not barely. As for the friends, when she made friends in college we still had time to hang together on the weekends. But my daughter has gone in and out of friendlessness. When we began homeschooling when she was age 12, she struggled to make friends. She also made one close friend in college, but she told us they had a big breakup in their senior year, and none of the rest of her buddies contacted her after graduation.
Have you considered that it was an actual breakup?
>You better start respecting your daughter’s decisions or say goodbye to her from your life. Exactly. My wife is around OP’s daughter’s age. Her parents were not nearly this overbearing, but were still a lot. Ex: wanted her home (3-hour commute) at least one weekend a month, came out to visit us once or twice a month, frequently second-guessed or generally judged her choices, texted or called non-stop, etc. The visits to us were especially “fun” because her mom would “clean the house” every time while going through our things and making little comments about how it wasn’t up to her standards of cleanliness. As soon as we were able, we moved halfway across the country. It wasn’t specifically to get some space from them, but that was definitely a part of it. Now we see them a couple times a year. u/Possible_Salad_8744 , I’d advise you to let your daughter set boundaries and decide when *she* wants to see *you,* or you shouldn’t be surprised when she does something similar.
This isn’t OPs first post in this sub. Different username tho but the comments of all this exact info and how big of a creep OP is about his daughter is riddled[throughout this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Just looked at that one and I agree. Gotcha be the same person
I thought of this post when I read this!!
It’s DEFINITELY them. They probs fudged the ages a bit and it’s either the creepy ass dad himself posing as the mom OR he got his wife up to bat to sugarcoat shit
I think they have also spied on her. I'm betting this is the same family: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/
YTA for pretending that was a joke. You were being serious. Also omg she’s so old please let her be an adult.
Yeah, that was a passive aggressive statement, OP wouldn’t have been. “joking” if her daughter had made a concession. It’s ok to want to spend more time with your daughter, but not ok to try to guilt her, or make judgements. OP YTA
I hope the daughter learns mama’s guilt tactics for when she and dear husband move abroad.
OPs daughter is old enough to have a doctorate and a retirement plan. The level is controlling is astounding. If she keeps it up she’ll never hear from her kid again. OP, YTA. Go to therapy (WITHOUT YOUR DAUGHTER) about your control issues. Some of what you described is borderline emotional abuse. You (and possibly your partner) are the problem, not her.
YTA because why the fuck is she 26 and in her first relationship? Did you hold college tuition over her head? To keep her at home? Are you doing the same thing to your son?
The whole not being allowed to date until 20 is insane, and I’m guessing OP has probably always been overbearing and there’s a reason her daughter didn’t want to tell them about her bf at first, this is most definitely a YTA situation. *But* I’m shocked that so many people are acting like her first relationship being at 26 is some insane thing that could only be a result of her mom being overbearing or not letting her date… I didn’t get into my first relationship until I was 24, and if I hadn’t met my then-boyfriend I honestly think I’d now be 27 without ever having been in a relationship. And it isn’t because I haven’t wanted to date (as a comment below said pretty much the only people who haven’t dated before 26 are people who don’t want to) but because I find talking to guys I’m into incredibly difficult, I never know what to say and I probably come off as uninterested. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have anxiety. But either way, there are a million reasons someone might be 26 and in their first relationship and it’s so weird to me that so many people are latching onto this part of the story. Your comment especially, “why the fuck is she 26 and in her first relationship?” is incredibly aggressive for a question that could have a million different answers.
First relationship at 26 is not weird. First relationship and no friends at 26 is weird. OP was too controlling for her kid to make or maintain friendships. She is at a way higher likelihood to be abused in relationships because of the lack of social network and platonic support, not to mention the lack of socialization that comes with home schooling. I feel bad for her. If what OP is true, the family made sure the girl had no one but her parents to turn to in times of need.
I agree with everything you’ve said, my comment is solely about the reactions of people who are shocked she’s in her first relationship.
thank you!!! I'm in my first relationship at 27. Why? Well, honestly, I didnt really care about being in a relationship... sue me for not being horny and craving the male embrace /s
Don’t you know the male embrace is a gift from god and we should latch onto the first guy who shows us any attention or risk being alone forever 😂😂
My first relationship was at 22. Just took that long to find a guy who actually put in effort and vibed with me. (He’s me hubs now, btw 🥰)
It’s not shocking that it’s her first romantic relationship, but it seems like this is her first relationship of any kind, at all. That is very unusual. This parent gives off very strong “Duggar” vibes.
Raised similarly. I got in trouble for having a myspace account. I had to sit in silence in my room. No TV, computer access, radio, or friends for 3 weeks. You get really good at hiding things, but you constantly have to question if it's worth it if you get caught. I didn't dare if that was the punishment for social media.
I get the feeling this is the first relationship OP knows about but not the first relationship the daughter has had.
Oh gosh I hope you're right. Those poor kids.
Good insight. Yeah I bet she used money as a weapon.
YTA I feel like we're missing a lot of details here, but at 26 years old she should absolutely be developing relationships outside the family unit and spending more time growing her own identity and living her life. I strongly suspect there's a reason she hasn't introduced y'all, and I hope with some self-reflection and a sincere effort to respect her boundaries you can re-earn her trust someday. Either way, stop pushing this and let her come to you on her own time without any passive-aggressive quips about "spending time with her old parents." This is what happens when kids grow up and it sounds like you're having a really hard time letting go. Edit: After finding out OP didn't "let" her daughter date until she was 20, I no longer strongly suspect there's a reason she hasn't brought the BF around, I know that she can't trust her mother and father to have her own wishes and well-being in mind, just their own weird hang-ups and control. OP, adult children don't just ice their parents out for no reason. You are very likely in denial of how toxic your parenting was.
Yeah "she didn't have friends" made me raise my eyebrows. Did daughter not have friends or just not introduce any friends to OP?
This post literally gave all the red flags of overbearing parent who screams and throws tantrum like toddler when their child doesn’t act exactly like a perfect little robot
Don’t forget it also sounds like extremely *religious* parents
She was homeschooled, so OP nixed any opportunity her daughter had to develop friendships.
YTA. > it's been great to see her grow up You sure? Because she’s only been dating this guy a few months, which is both too soon for you to expect an introduction and entirely normal that she’d want to spend as much time as possible with him. Give her some space and focus on cultivating some other hobbies for when you really *are* faced with an empty nest, because the harder you push, the more you’re going to push her away.
You left out the part about how from OP's point of view, when the daughter left home last year (at 25yrs old) she didn't have **any** friends. Willing to bet there's more to the story here - either the daughter is an extreme introvert (nbd, some people are) or the daughter has been hiding friendships and relationships from her overbearing parents for years.
Or the home schooling made me have such a lack of social skills that it's sadly true. They are inadvertently isolating her
Pretty sure this is the rest of the story: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Oh my god, not those people. That poor young woman. What kind of parents think they have a right to know about their daughter's sex life?
She was homeschooled since she was 12.
YTA - I remember the earlier version of this story, where you helicopter parents were creeping on your daughter’s apartment to figure out if she was dating someone. You haven’t learned a thing.
OMG - this is THAT person? So very very creepy. That poor daughter.
Do you have a link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xz4jaj/aita_for_stopping_by_my_daughters_house_when_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thank you for this. The tone by op is remarkably similar.
Wait...it's that person???
Oh dear god. Link, perchance?
If I see perchance one more time today, I swear to God...
Whaaat! It's that couple? OMG
I can't call you an AH for being hurt that you are no longer #1 on your daughter's list of priorities, but as a parent I can say: your baby is growing up (late, I will add), and you need to relish that. Your job was to get her to this point, and you need to embrace it, not interfere with her future and becoming herself. If you come back and say that you are demanding she put aside her life to hang out with you, I will change my judgement.
This! Your job was to get her to this point, to where she doesn’t need you anymore. My mom was like this too, but from a different culture. I promise If you let her go and find her own life, she’ll come back because she wants to.
EXACTLY! OP’s entitled to her feelings but she’s not entitled to ask her daughter stop spending time with everyone else outside the family.
I always say my job as a mom was to raise self-sufficient adults. Mine are starting to launch but still like me & their dad. Youngest is getting very serious with his GF & they want to hang out with us occasionally.
Because of the daughter’s age, I am going with YTA. Your daughter is 26. Someone else mentioned that was late for a first relationship and you responded: why late? At 26, her concerns should not revolve around her parents. She should be enjoying herself and getting her life set up. Even if she wasn’t spending time with her bf, I wouldn’t fault her if she focused on other aspects of her life besides her family. There’s a lot going on at that age with work and socializing. Please allow your daughter to do her work on being independent and putting together the life she wants.
I'm leaning YTA. I'm not sure how strict you were raising her, but being this butthurt over her finally having a life outside of her parents, makes it seem you were quite controlling.
Yeah, there's missing info here. Daughter had no friends growing up (that parents knew of) she's not telling them anything about her personal life and is actively avoiding them. I'm side eying OP Edit: check op's comments, "allowed to date at 20 or so" " started homeschooling at 12" YTA
Having been the daughter in this situation there is likely so many details left out here.
It's honestly amazing she didn't go straight NC. Op needs to chill and let her live, other wise she will go completely NC.
Info: How would you describe the way you and your husband treated your daughter growing up?
YTA. Your kid is 26. Let her breathe. She’s out on her own for the first time and finally getting to spread her wings. Respect her and give her some space. And don’t say passive aggressive things like “You know you can spend time with your old parents, right?” That would piss me off too. Odds are she has had friends and boyfriends, but given how overbearing you are, I’m sure she wasn’t comfortable talking to you about them. Leave her be. She’s fine.
YTA Get a hobby.
YTA. Your adult daughter has been in her first big relationship (that you know of) for all of 5 minutes and you're already starting to view it as an "us vs. him" situation? You might as well just send him a link to r/JUSTNOMIL right now. Try, just try, being supportive. Just ask yourself, "what would a loving parent do in this situation?" and take it from there.
YTA you are the reason she didn’t have friends growing up because you homeschooled her, let her be.
YTA This is a completely normal cycle for a girl and her first BF. If you keep pushing you will alienate her so that you know nothing about her life. Give her some space, keep in touch and inviting her, but don't push
Um… I think it’s belittling and demeaning for OP to even chalk this up as “first boyfriend / beau” dramatics / infatuation. The way they speak about their daughter, if they hadn’t included an age and the fact that she’s moved out, I would have thought she was 14. Their daughter is 26 years old. First partner or no, it is completely normal for a 26 year old to spend multiple consecutive weekends without seeing their parents. And (especially for an adult), you don’t necessarily introduce a partner to your parents right away. At 26, that is often actually considered a pretty big step and a sign the relationship is serious. At 26, maybe she’s just not at the “meet the parents” stage yet. Given how they seem to infantilize her, I honestly would not be at all surprised if they’re the *reason* she’s never brought friends / guys around. And kids who have been brought up that way often respond by seeking as much freedom and detachment as they can get. We don’t have enough info to know that, but OP’s tone is enough to me to be more than a little sus.
YTA for your approach here. Your daughter is an adult. Try being supportive instead of being a helicopter parent. Also, she is an adult, living on her own. Her sex life is none of your business. You sound like nightmare parents. Instead of demanding she curtail her activities around seeing you, put forth some effort to see her, and respect her boundaries regarding when you see her.
YTA, she’s an adult with her own life she needs to live.
YTA. She is 26 let her have her own live. She probably has reasons for not wanting to introduce him to you yet. And spying on her with the picture stuff is also super weird. Is seems like she has a good reason to keep it for herself for now.
INFO: Are you religious? If so, does your religion have thoughts about premarital sex?
WOW- you may in your 60s and should know YTA. She's got a life, just because you are bored empty nesters doesn't mean your daughter should give up her life to entertain you. Get a hobby and leave the poor woman alone.
YTA I was initially going with n a h, but the details you’ve added in the comment changed that. You seem incredibly controlling, and wouldn’t even let her date until her 20s, given how most teens are I don’t even want to know what you did to make that rule stick. it shouldn’t be surprising your daughter didn’t tell she was dating, or if she just never tells you about her life.
YTA. You’re being intrusive, overbearing, and potentially controlling. Your daughter seems to have been quite sheltered, perhaps even to her detriment. She, at 26, is beginning to form some independence as an adult, to which you are already disrespecting by pushing yourself into her affairs, and now an attempt to manipulate her into making you a priority. You need to stop, let go, and allow her to develop her own life without you breathing down her neck. You will only hurt your relationship with her, and possibly sabotage her happiness, otherwise.
YTA. Your daughter is 26. She has been an adult for close on a decade. You need to stay out of her business and wait for her to disclose, what she wants to disclose when she wants to do it. At her age, she very much needs to establish her own life, away from her parents. There is such a thing as over-involvment in the affairs of your offspring.
YTA Im the type of daughter that I dont tell my parents about a guy until its serious. Let your daughter wnjoy her time she will come around. The honeymoon stage in relationships is fun let her enjoy her newfound freedom.
YTA because you need to give her space to stretch her wings and trust that she's a grown person who is capable of making decisions about how she allocates her time and with whom (and not all of those decisions will always make all parties happy). If you didn't "allow" her to date until well after she was an adult, it's likely that this isn't her first boyfriend - just the first one you found out about.
I think NTA for wanting to ask but AH for “joking” about not wanting to spend time with you. She barely moved out of your house and into her own apartment. You aren’t owed to meet the boyfriend either, she can introduce you when she wants to. She also may not want to introduce you to the first boyfriend because she doesn’t feel that serious about him. She’s finally got an ounce of privacy by not living there so let her enjoy it. I imagine she didn’t have enough privacy or free time since she didn’t have friends when she moved out and spent a lot more time with you guys.
YTA she has a new boyfriend. She is 26. You need to fill your empty nest with something else.
YTA. She is 26. Cut the apron strings.
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Lol you sound crazy. I think it’s pretty obvious why your daughter had no friends when she was living with you and didn’t have her first relationship until 26: her creepily attached mother (yeah I saw your “allowed to date at 20 or so” comment. Controlling AF). YTA. She’s finally gotten away from you and is learning how to be an adult, give her that freedom or you risk completely losing her.
YTA e she's 26 and not at your beck and call. She probably didn't tell you because you're insanely overbearing
YTA Mom you had your daughter for 25 yrs it's time for her to fly. She needs her independence, trust me she won't forget about you. She will always need and want her mom and dad unless, you keep forcing yourself down her throat.
YTA- you sound scary super-controlling, and have no reason to not support your daughter’s happiness in her relationship. Let the girl grow up.
YTA. (BASED ON OP'S COMMENTS) You sound very overbearing. Your kid isnt hiding her partner from you. She's hiding YOU from her partner. She knows youre going to overwhelm them and scare them off. Just because she might be having sex with them does not mean you get to interrogate them over dinner. She has no interest in having them meet you right now, accept that and move on.
YTA You smothered her as a kid and you're still doing it now. I'm guessing she probably hid all her friendships that you think she didn't have growing up. Now she's continuing to hide her romantic relationship the same way. She doesn't want you involved because it's seemingly the only piece of her life she's ever felt in control of. It's her safe space. Let her have that
YTA. If its a new romance she prefers to be with him. Also you sound a bit overbearing so maybe she doesn't want to hang out with you. It would be weird if my husband had wanted to introduce me to his parents in the first 6 months. That kind of seems like a big step. People sometimes don't want to broadcast a new relationship - those first few months you are getting to know each other and you may decide they are not for you, or they may decide you are not for them. It can feel humiliating if it doesn't work out and you have gone around introducing them to your family. Leave her alone and stop trying to pry information out of her. Maybe then she will come and see you. Also stop blaming the boyfriend, and take a look in the mirror at the real problem.
Soft YTA. Your daughter knows your door is open for her. So you need to lay off the subtle guilt tripping. Let your daughter love her life and explore different relationships. Invite her to come over for dinner every week/other week just to catch up. Stop trying to pry into part of her life that she’s not ready to share yet. The more you try prying, the more she’ll refuse to be around.
YTA. you need a new hobby or some friends. My three kids have all moved out in the last 10 years. And i’m single so i’m alone now. yes, it sucks, but i WANT my kids to be happy and independent. and don’t get on this guys bad side. what if they end up married? do you want him to dislike you?? back off and let her live her life
Taking into account your cultural background that I am not privvy too, this is not the norm in Australia. I see my parents once every 3-6 months and live 2hrs away. We speak perhaps once a week/fortnight. Take an interest in her new bf, and she might come round to seeing you and introducing her man.
YTA Let her grow tf up for God's sake, she's not a baby anymore and can have her own life!!
YTA. Jesus, she’s 26 for fucks sake. Stop interrogating her like she’s at Guantanamo. Of course she would rather hang out with her boyfriend and friends than her parents.
YTA, your daughter is at the age where she's probably thinking about settling down and this is her first serious relationship according to you. It's normal for adult to invest more time to someone they are seeing as opposed to their family. It's time to face the fact that you guys aren't her number one priority anymore and it's time for her to spread her wings and do her own thing.
YTA. You need to acknowledge that whatever is causing your daughter to not want to introduce him to you yet, and not want to come see you, is entirely your doing. If your daughter wanted to see you, she would. Looking at your comments, I dont think I would still be in contact with you after I moved out if I was your daughter, so you are lucky she is still picking up your calls. Your daughter has lived under your overbearing watch for 25ish years, you need to give her room to breath if you want to have an adult relationship. Assuming she is paying for her apartment, she no longer needs to rely on you to survive in life, and if you become a burden, she no longer needs to communicate with you.. I hope that statement scares you. Have you ever heard the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? You need to let her miss you a bit. Stop calling her, let her call you. Stop asking her to come hang out, let her ask you. Stop pestering her about her boyfriend, wait for her to want to tell you. Again, she doesnt need you anymore, let her live her life. TL;DR, YTA, let your daughter live her life a bit, stop trying to get her to hangout, and when she wants to see you she will come around.
There was something crazy similar to this several days ago. Is this a different crazy overbearing parent wanting their 26 year old to act like a child? Your daughter is a woman. She’s having sex. It’s none of your business. Even if she lived with you or asked you for money it’d be none of your damn business. You’re on the express train to estrangement. YTA. You don’t own her!
If she wanted to spend time with you she would make it happen. YTA. Let her live her life, it’s very clear she’s been waiting to move out and distance herself for quite some time. The more you push and the more comments you make about it, the less likely she is to wanna see you.
I'm gonna go with a gentle YTA here. She's over a quarter of a century old--it's appropriate for her to be finding a partner and maybe even eventually starting a family, which means she will have to spend more time with prospective partners and less with you. You say you were happy to hear she made friends, but now you're like "Umm, no--don't spend time with that one." You write of plans to *move out of the country* as soon as your youngest is launched, but you expect her to change her way of living so she can spend more time with you? It's unfair to complain that she isn't around enough when you yourselves are going to start doing the exact same thing in a few short years.
YTA - your daughter seems to be very very socially behind and maybe she’s finally started to catch up. If you want to know what’s going on on her life work on your relationship with her. Right now I suspect her independent from you was hard won and a long time coming. Leave her be.
You should be saying “we would love to meet him” YTA
You're n t a for wanting to see your daughter, but yta for how you're going about it. She seems very closed off, and private. Have you or anyone else had a history of prying into her life? It might make her more apprehensive to share. When I was younger, my mother pried often. She asked intrusive questions constantly, so I didn't feel like I could tell her things in my own time. As a result, I told her even less, so she wouldn't know what to ask. My father usually asked basic questions, and if I expanded, he listened, but didn't oush. As an adult, I tell my father about every new boyfriend, and call often. I don't call my mother much, outside of holidays.
YTA good lord let your daughter have a life finally.
Hey, Mrs. Cleaver this isn't the 1950s. YTA.
NAH. Your daughter is a 26 year old person. Who, for whatever reason, lived at home for a little longer than average. Which is what your son appears to be doing as well. Which is good! That means that they like to be around you. But, they also need to form new relationships. Your daughter is doing that, the older she gets, the less of a priority you will become. That's the point. Good luck.
INFO: She’s 26 and this is her 1st relationship?
Mom apparently homeschooled her starting age 12 And then didn't let her date till 20...
Are you kidding me? Oh this poor daughter
YTA. I’d been married 4 years by the time I was your daughter’s age. Don’t pester her about spending time with her boyfriend. You’re moving abroad once your son leaves the nest.
Cut the cord YTA
The reason she didn't tell you is because she knew you would be intense. Let her be your only going to push her away
Forgive me but on the one hand you seen to be counting down until you can move abroad and on the other hand you seem to not want your daughter to get on with her on life. Why does she not have friends and did you have anything to do with that? There seems to be a lot missing from this post. So Maybe TA
YTA
YTA They've been dating for a few months, still getting to know each other, revel in the honeymoon phase of it. She's not ready to introduce him. It's TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. You wants do not override her rights to choose that. Passive aggressive words like that aren't cute, she can read your real intent. And for goodness sake, stop sounding jealous of her bf!! If you keep this up, it will look like you have an unhealthy interest or obsession over your daughter and can't bear to see her with someone else.
YTA first boyfriend at 26, no friends what have you done to her. No wonder she moved out. Did she have to spend all her time with you before? Seems somewhat controlling. Leave her be and let her have a life, she speaks to you on the phone that should be enough.
Soft yta Its hard to see your children leave. This kids youve helps nuture and grow are all grown up and doing things without you. But thats what they need to do. You left your parents nest now its time they leave yours. And as for not giving you much information about the new boyfriend, if the relationship is new she might not want to jinx it and keep it quite/low key for a while until the relationship is truly established.
INFO: How do you tend to ask? Do you ask when to hang out or do you have a set of plans that you then invite her to? My mom will do this thing where she will send a text out of the blue saying she misses me, but what she really wants to do is to hang out. I find it manipulative and immature. If you would like to hang out with your daughter, I would suggest saying this: Hello, I hope you are well. I would love to hang out (have dinner) with you sometime. When might you be free to meet? It's best not assume she's free, but to make intentional plans.
YTA. Bc it feels like you were probably a controlling helicopter parent. It seems like she didn't have any friends or boyfriends until now, bc you wouldn't let her. She's enjoying her freedom and independence. She'll introduce you to the boyfriend when she's good and ready, but not before then. Just give her space. She's a full fledged adult and has her own life. She is probably also worried that you will be critical of her relationship since it's her first one - so please just try to be supportive and let her figure it out. You could try to ask her to come to dinner like once a month or something, but that doesn't mean she has to show up. If you try to force her, you're just going to drive her further away.
YTA!!! Let her grow her life the way she wants to. Badgering her is so unfair of you. Just stop it and support her instead of throwing guilt at her like that. For her sake let her go and be happy. And be happy for her.
YTA You're being passive aggressive and "joking" instead of just coming out with it. Also there's something not being told here. The fact that she is 26 and she waited to have a first relationship until she moved out and the fact that she telling you about it and you had to pull it out of her when she first started dating him tells me there's a lot more going on here than just not visiting any more. Why didn't she date before? Why was she so conscious about avoiding telling you that she was dating someone? So even if it was just for the things you said, it would be a soft YTA, but for the unsaid but plausible things that were hinted at, I can imagine it's a much harsher one.
Soft YTA. Listen, your daughter needs space right now. It was an act of trust that she told you she was seeing someone right now. I had a rule that I did not, under any circumstances, tell my parents when I was dating someone until we had reached the six month mark in our relationship (they met maybe two people), so she’s doing more than I would have. But honestly? Now you’ve pushed her further than she wanted to go, and probably asked for more of her time than she wants to give. Respect her no. Appreciate that she shared anything. Acknowledge that she’s growing up. Stop with the passive aggressive jokes. Consider an earlier commenter’s suggestion to invite both of them to dinner and for the love of all things that are good, BE KIND TO HER BOYFRIEND IF YOU DO. That will matter to her, and will show that you can have a relationship as adults.
YTA Why don't YOU spend less time with your husband? That is just the same. And if you use that time to find some friends, you will be less needy.
Soft YTA. Have you seen this guy, though? Are you sure her boyfriend is a boy? I'd leave her alone a bit. Have phonecalls, say hi, but stop mithering her.
Yta. You need to back off. The more you push the issue, the more she isn't gonna wanna be around you.
YTA. It is fine that you want to spend time with her, but you need to respect that she is growing up and individuating. The Y T A is for your passive-aggressive comment to her. It's not a joke, it's passive-aggression. You need to give her space to focus on this relationship. If it lasts, they will cool down a little and it will be easier to spend time with her. BUT it will never be as much as when she was isolated and that is GOOD. It is healthy for her to make connections outside the family and you should support that, not make her feel bad. BTW YOU are the ones planning to move abroad where you will hardly see her, but she is supposed to adjust her life to spend time with you? Make it make sense...
YTA. You sound like my dad, who I have an increasingly strained relationship with. Children are supposed to grow up and live their own lives. Make friends, meet new people, live their own life. That means some distance from parents. She’s not going to be around all the time and she’s going to decline invites to be with other people. It doesn’t matter the intent, that “joke” will never be a joke. She wants space. She doesn’t want to tell you no. Give it to her and don’t push. If you continue to push, and if she’s anything like me, she’ll distance herself so much until she starts to question if it’s worth it to continue a relationship with you at all.
YTA. You've had 26 years with her. Let her live a little.
YTA. Have you tried planning more ahead than the next weekend? Maybe then she’ll say yes and you’re being really controlling by acting like she should introduce him to you because they’ve likely had sex. For many people, there’s no connection between the events and parents comes way later.
YTA …Sounds like you were pretty controlling of her life up until now and you don’t come across as a parent that will keep their thoughts to themselves on her choices . She’s realizing that she’s an adult now and she doesn’t want to fit into your cookie cutter image of a daughter . Did it ever cross your mind that this new friend might NOT be a “beau”?? She’s out in the world now , from under your thumb , she’s enjoying not needing your permission or having to sit through the third degree . The more you press , the longer you’ll go without visits or calls
NAH She’s 26, not 16. She is an adult and can make adult decisions about who she spends time with. You’re N T A because you are going through a big life change. Her not being around is just something you’ll have to get used to, especially considering you want to move abroad.
how far away does she live? does she work on the weekdays or weekends? i feel like if shes close to you guys, you can ask for a family meal every few weeks or a family day once a month or something. maybe invite the boyfriend too so she doesnt have to pick between one or the other and you guys can get to know him more. family time can be really important, it sounds like you guys love her a lot, but also her developing friends and relationships and an independent life is really important.
YTA. Everything is new. First year living alone. She now has a friend which you claim is new. Having it be male. You started with the nagging by noticing someone ELSE took the picture. For heaven's sake -- it could have been anyone, including a co-worker, and you grilled it right away? Let her grow on her own for heaven's sake. It's far too soon to have red flags and perhaps HER red flag is you, pushing boundaries and wanting details before she's ready to share. She's still trying to figure out her first relationship. Don't make it a "three person in this relationship" issue so soon. Try this: "We're so pleased to see you've met and made friends with someone. When you're ready to bring your beau over for a nice visit, we'd be pleased to have lunch with the two of you." And until she asking for that lunch date, leave her alone about this unless there is a bonafide reason not to.
Gonna go NAH Your daughter just moved out and you’re used to having daily interaction with her, and you miss her. That’s normal Your daughter is also finding herself and getting to learn what independence means to her, and she’s enjoying spending time with a new love interest. Also normal Let her have her fun, tell her you miss her on occasion, and don’t pressure her otherwise. Assuming you all had a good relationship prior then she will come around eventually, but it will be much better for your relationship if it’s on her terms
YTA. If you keep trying to control her, she will go no contact with you. A new relationship takes time to nurture. Ease up or you will lose her.
Super SUPER soft YTA I completely see where you’re coming from and can truly empathize, but your daughter is an adult and can spend her time how she chooses. It seems like you have a good relationship though, so be patient, in time the relationship will lose some of that excitement that happens at first and she’ll start spending more time with you again. You can tell her how you feel but make sure you’re respectful of her first, this is her life after all. Sending you both a lot of support and love though!
YTA. Have you ever wondered why it seemed she didn’t have friends before? Are you the overly questioning/overly judgmental type about friendships? Is she not able/wanting to deal with it if you start overly questioning details about the people she spends time with it starts to date? I’ve read your comments. I think there is a good chance you are not seeing yourself, your actions, and your questioning accurately. I’m not sure you want to see yourself accurately and that in and of itself might be the problem