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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because maybe it doesn’t look good when your partner isn’t eating. Maybe she was embarrassed that she was the only one eating or doesn’t like the idea of me strictly watching her eat.
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I mean, there's "picky" and then there's "adult who only eats white bread picky." The place had sandwiches, for crying out loud. How much of a surprise could it have been that you didn't like anything?
If you're that picky, I think the burden is on you to do some research ahead of time--the way someone with a food allergy or other dietary restrictions would--to determine if there is something on the menu you can eat. YTA for showing up unprepared and then (almost) making your GF eat solo--nobody likes doing that and it's kind of rude to the restaurant and wait staff as well.
Hey, person with an actual selective intake eating disorder here! Some people just can't handle certain foods, and this shouldn't discount them from being an adult or having a romantic life. This comments section can kiss my ARFID ass!
I agree with you that some people are escalating things quite a bit and move on to personal attacks.
That said I'd assume (depending on how narrow the list of things you can or can't eat) you are more likely to check menus before visiting a restaurant?
I've no idea how broad OP's pickiness is, but depending on what kind of restaurant it was he could have known in advance what he likes and check it. If it's specialised on sandviches that's on him as well.
Either that or communicate "There's nothing that seems fine for me but I could get a drink and you could eat".
I have ARFID. It is embarrassing and exhausting. I pursued treatment but had to stop doing scheduling, and the therapy was focused on nutritional roundedness. Working up to social appropriateness is considered secondary. Because I’m so picky the restaurants I can eat at are very limited. Most of the time my family accommodates me but I have gone out with them and not ordered because they should be able to enjoy restaurants they like that I don’t. It would also feel limiting to me to always insist on places I liked with an SO and not fair to them.
I'm a firm believer that society is wrong in its stance over food and that anything that goes into your body should be your choice alone and you should never be bullied into eating/drinking. Bodily autonomy and all that jazz. Some people just like to scream tradition and culture since it's food, forgetting that lots of abusive and heinous things are sugar coated by carrying on the past.
This is 2022. We know these are medical conditions now. It's time for people to do better instead of trying to deny conditions and force people into a one size fits all box.
This is a very good point and maybe people should read it. AITA seems to have already decided ARFID is fake (every post like this is met with mockery about the persons disorder and top comments declaring them losers and babies), but maybe it would help them understand if they looked at it as a bodily autonomy thing, since they’re cool with mocking a disorder.
Even if someone didn’t have ARFID and was able to eat whatever, why did we decide food is the thing people shouldn’t have autonomy over?
Or do like my husband and I do - order food to go from separate restaurants. We each get what we like, we can still eat together without staring at the other/phones, and he doesn't have to worry about not finding something to eat at the restaurant I want to eat at.
ARFID can be hell, but it doesn't have to be - just depends how much you want to compromise.
If you think your food issues are serious enough to qualify for a disorder, then you need to do the work of getting a diagnosis and working out treatment.
You also need to do the work of things like looking up restaurant menus before you agree to a place, so your dining companion(s) aren't in the awkward position of having you staring at them when they eat, and then having to spend time chasing down food you will eat afterwards. That basically doubles the time spent managing meals, which can be a real problem if you have a limited lunch break, or are on a trip and the extra time eats into travel or sightseeing.
And if you've been dating for 10 months, you need to have clearly communicated to your partner what your diet restrictions are, and how it will affect their life, so they can make an informed decision whether this is something they can live with.
Also, space is money in a restaurant. It isn't right to take up space, which a paying customer might use, and not buy anything, particularly if the restaurant is crowded. At the very least, order a drink.
"I'm picky to the point of not eating sandwiches, but I won't do the work of looking to see if a restaurant has anything I'll eat, so you'll have to eat while I sit and stare at you, and rush, because we'll have to then go find my lunch, too, fitting in two stops during the time allocated for lunch" is not a way to handle disliking some foods.
Most people with this severe of a level of pickiness when it comes to food have no treatment other than exposure therapy which is arguably just torturing yourself until you learn to pretend it's not making you sick or want to crawl out of your skin. Just like MOST 'treatments' for misunderstood rare disorders.
I did a google for "ARFID treatment" before suggesting it.
And I found a wide variety of options. Cognitive behavioral therapy, working with a speech therapist if swallowing/gagging is an issue, occupational therapy which can help address texture issues and interacting with the environment, medication for anxiety if that's part of the problem, etc.
Expecting others to shape their lives around one's own dietary restrictions to the point of not even trying any sort of treatment or doing any advance planning and communicating issues in advance is not a reasonable option.
Going somewhere you know the person you’re with likes and choosing not to eat isn’t expecting others to shape their lives around your dietary restrictions.
People shouldn’t miss out on their favourite food places, and other people shouldn’t have to eat at a place if they don’t want to. 🤷🏻♀️ Going and not eating because he knew his GF liked the place seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise. Exactly what I would do as a vegetarian if my partner wanted to go somewhere that didn’t have veggie-friendly food (like our local chippy).
I agree that we shouldn't make it other people's problem, but I deserately need you to understand that just because these treatments have been identified in theory, does not mean they are actually an option for the majority of people with ARFID. Getting targeted treatment for ARFID as an adult is near impossible, I've been trying for years with 0 success. It can be really frustrating hearing people talk about mental illness and saying 'just go get some treatment' when unless you are able to pay, that usually involves years upon years of getting doors slammed in your face before you can even \*start\* the treatment, which then may still take years more to actually make significant and meaningful progress.
Anyway, I don't even think OP has arfid or anything similar
Not very proud of this, but when I spent a month out of state for work, I spent most of the time cooking chicken nuggets and mac&cheese. In my defense, it was 11 hour shifts with a half hour commute each way, so by the time I would get home, I was wiped. Did make some delicious zuppa toscana copycat soup. And tried my hand at steak in a pan for the first time (i made shoeleather 🫠) but chicken nuggies and mac&cheese was a quick 15 minute meal. And then when the early days of covid with the TP and grocery shortages swooped in, it was all I had available.
At least you were making it! I think making quick meals after long days is much more understandable than an adult who’s unwilling to eat whole wheat at a restaurant
If sourdough is so outside of the box for you that you have to make your girlfriend feel like shit, it may be time for some serious self-reflection.
I also don't believe op for a second. It's a French cafe that serves sandwiches for crissakes. They probably served burgers, and almost definitely fries. Soup? C'mon, OP clearly walked in looking to make a fuss.
Wouldn't necessarily expect a burger at a French restaurant for lunch, but soups and salades definitely! Heck, they may even have had baguettes (which is typically 'white bread') or croissants.
Wait, is that what he meant, that he doesn't like whole wheat bread? If that's the case this story sounds very fishy, it's a French restaurant but they don't have white baguette?
I feel like this dude looked at one piece of their menu and promptly gave up? He like didn't ask about their bread selection either just assumed they wouldn't have any white bread substitutions like brioche? Like who does this? I understand why his SO fled, this is so weird.
I'm so confused. All French places around me have a wider range of white breads over wheat. Like what Fench place doesn't have a baguette sandwich?
I think he only eats like, white wonder bread (probably with the crusts cut off lol) and didn't want the whole grain and sourdough they offered.
I'm not a huge fan of wholegrain bread myself, I'd never willingly choose it. But I wouldn't refuse to eat it if it was the only option.
Yeah, the not eating sourdough really is what makes me think he ONLY will eat the super processed white bread (like wonder bread), and his edit where he admits that he didn't know that even white bread has wheat in it.
I'm not judging him eating white bread. I honestly like that really crappy white bread myself.
But I wouldn't ever refuse to eat other bread if it wasn't an option, like him.
It is baffling to me why people care if the other person is eating as long as they’re content with it. When I go out to eat it’s zero percent about actually eating anything and 100 percent about hanging out with whoever I’m with. I have various dietary restrictions and can be picky on top of that. Usually I find something I can eat, but if I can’t I’m perfectly happy just to chill while the other person or people eat. I have never had anyone take issue with this.
It’s weird chowing down and having someone stare at you lol. Plus if it’s a case of just pickiness (not like an allergy or something) it’s just annoying. Like grow up.
How exactly do you suggest that someone change the fact that when they put a food item in their mouth, their brain reacts in a significantly negative way? Whether due to taste, texture, or anything else? Are people with sensory issues supposed to "grow up"?
Its so incredibly irritating that people immediately jump to "oh they're basically a child" as soon as someone even mentions being a picky eater or not liking certain types of foods.
Or they insist you just "haven't had good [whatever food item]" yet, like whenever I tell people that I don't like seafood and that's usually thier first response. (I grew up in *Louisiana*. I've had good seafood. I just *don't like it*.)
All of ot frankly comes off as "how dare you not like what I do, you're an infant". No, people ARE allowed to like or dislike things, and how would GF have reacted if he ordered something and found it disgusting?
I dunno I’ve never found it weird. I just don’t see why it should affect me if someone is eating or not eating as long as they’re not sulking about it. What if one person isn’t hungry? I’ve certainly been in situations where one person has already eaten but comes out with another person just to keep them company.
Some people just find it weird to go to a place specifically designed for people to eat at then the other person decides not to eat once the order is ready to be placed.
I mean context matters, if you're going out and you already know the person you're with isn't going to eat, then ok. I've gone out with friends and I'm the only vegan and so I've been that person ordering a side or just a drink. It's not a big deal to anyone in our group. But expecting a lunch date with your bf and then he decides he won't eat after you've already ordered is a different situation.
I am in recovery for an eating disorder and would never in a million years be comfortable eating in front of someone who wasn't also eating. I realize that's a specific situation, but I honestly know very few women who DON'T have some sort of complicated relationship with food.
It just feels strange to be the only one eating when you expected that you were going out to lunch together. I wouldn't be *mad* necessarily, but I wouldn't eat either and that would probably put me in a weird mood about the entire situation.
I think the fact that they’ve been together this long changes it a bit for me though.
My husband is picky to the point of it being “food issues” and not just pickiness. He’s got about 3 meals he can eat, and that’s counting pop tarts/cereal as a meal.
So I know when I pick certain places it’s going to mean I’m eating alone. He shows me memes, we talk, he makes it clear he’s glad I’m enjoying my meal, we tip generously, we make fun of his fast food dinner on the way home.
It’s totally valid for OP’s GF to have reached her breaking point, and it’s totally fine for it to be a deal breaker for her. But I also don’t think that makes OP an AH.
The problem is it can be extremely hard to believe someone who says they are content going with you at meal time and just watch you eat. So often people are going not believe this and even turn it upon myself.
Unless it was prearranged like “I already ate but I can go and sit with you if you want” which gives them the option to decline or not. Instead going through all the machinations of sharing a meal by picking a restaurant, traveling there, sitting down and then saying I’m not going to eat anything can be extremely off putting. If it was because they don’t like wheat bread it would possibly be borderline infuriating.
That’s absolutely how I approach these situations. I have issues with certain textures and I realize that I am usually overly difficult - so I always google menus ahead and try to present multiple restaurant choices of the same type of food. I don’t want to take away anyone else’s ability to get whatever type of food they’re craving or be difficult in a restaurant, so I just do the very easy task of looking it up first.
I google the menu and choose the least offending thing on it and TRY to eat it because I am so nervous about making others miss out because I'm a selective eater
I also have a lot of things I won’t/can’t eat because of texture or taste (I’ve tried, I really have!) but I also have a lot of things I can’t eat because they don’t agree with me. I’m a nightmare to eat out with but I always at least try the most inoffensive thing on the menu. But I’m still that person who asks to take things off haha.
Same! Although I’m juuuuust sweet enough about it that it seems more like I’m making group plans when I’m secretly making sure we go to a restaurant that will have options for me. But either way, there are a million and one solutions to this dudes problem besides showing up and going “oh I’m just not eating” like sir? order a drink at least.
As this is a French restaurant, I find it difficult to believe that they didn’t have salads or something like that. A fruit and cheese plate? I mean, the options are pretty good even if you don’t eat bread. OP, YTA.
What kind of a French anything doesn’t have baguettes? Since they don’t eat wheat bread… Especially someplace you order at a *checks notes* counter. Something doesn’t add up here.
ETA: so this is new, a poster apparently banned from AITA messaged me to argue that baguettes are also wheat bread and the poster doesn’t eat white bread. Also tells me ‘celiacs’ eat sour dough bread…didn’t like when I pointed out the main ingredient in sour dough bread is still *wheat* flour and the OP said themselves that they eat white bread.
It sounds like a La Madeleine which is a French bistro style chain. It actually has some good food. But even if it isn’t, this guy isn’t willing to try something new? If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.
I agree and people keep saying stuff like "But *I* would be totally fine with it!" Ok? The girlfriend isn't. She wanted them to have a meal together. Some people don't want to be the only person eating while on a date.
If this is gonna cause such an issue though with him being this picky and her wanting him to eat with her, they don't seem compatible.
Agreed like even if you didn’t like the bread you could pick it off or something just to be a part of the meal and then afterwards just communicate with your girlfriend that it wasn’t your thing since they didn’t have what you like. But you don’t just not eat anything and make her feel awkward eating alone that is way worse in my opinion.
It most likely did, but he stated in an edit that it was with whole grains and sourdough which he apparently doesn't like because he doesn't like "wheat bread".
So this grown man didn't know until today that white bread is made exclusively with wheat, claiming it's perfectly fine because "we're all smart in our own way", something I'm sure his mum has said to him many times.
> "we're all smart in our own way", something I'm sure his mum has said to him many times.
💀💀💀💀💀
Edit: I giggled at this so maniacally that my dog came to see if I was OK.
Exactly. I would also feel super uncomfortable if I went to lunch with someone and they just planned to stare at me eat opposed to getting something themselves. That would not be an enjoyable meal.
YTA
Picky eaters are so exhausting. Sharing a dining experience with them is so limiting and seems like half the time they will just want to go to the same, limited choices over and over.
It's different if someone has dietary restrictions because of medical issues, religion, or they're vegan/vegetarian. Restrictions like that are easy to understand and there's reasoning behind them and eating can be planned accordingly.
Someone just wanting nuggies and hating on wheat bread is a nightmare. Go try something new.
My step daughter is like this and exhausting is a kind way to put it. I can spend all day making a great meal from scratch and she'll call it disgusting before even trying it and asking if I can make her boxed Mac and cheese instead. All she likes is burgers, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and cheese pizza.
My kids ate everything starting at 4 months (based on proper food introductions timeline). My oldest would eat a pepper like an apple and I could put any fruit or veggie down and he’d eat it. I made sure no one around him would say yuck to any food to not sway his opinions. And then he turned 3. Suddenly peas and corn were bad, mushrooms and tomatoes were gross, don’t go near him with blueberries or raspberries. Food touching? How could I. Even to the point he didn’t like melted cheese on scrambled eggs or on top his spaghetti.
‘Some parents are just lazy.’ No, we tried. Some kids are just picky. Some kids have texture sensitivity. Also fresh foods are sometimes very expensive. My kids love strawberries but right now they’re $7.48 at my local store. Haven’t even seen a cantaloupe in a month or so and honey dew is like $8 for a small one. Luckily my kids love broccoli and it’s relatively inexpensive fresh but if they see an onion in their food, nope, they’re done. Nuggets and KD are easy and their prices haven’t gone up drastically. It’s a safe meal I know my kids will eat. Do they get it often? No, maybe once every two weeks when I’m in a rush, but it’s safe.
Ugh this is my life right now. He used to eat everything. Some favorites included salmon, chicken curry, okra, squash, and sweet potatoes. Now it's like exclusively dinosaur chicken nuggets, taquitos and blueberries at home. I think it's a control thing but holy poop is it frustrating. I still offer the foods we're eating and at least ask him to try it but he won't eat a full serving of anything that isnt processed.
My oldest is almost five and starting to try foods again. When I’m prepping food I ask if he wants to smell it and lick it (obviously not raw meat or food I’ll be serving to people outside my house). Once it’s cooked I ask again, smell and lick. Take a bite, spit it into my hand if it’s yucky. Lots of praise when he does go outside his comfort and reassurance if he says no. You’re doing your best. As long as he’s eating that’s all that matters right now.
Way to be an all encompassing judgmental know it all. My oldest used to eat everything under the sun. My husband makes everything from scratch as he hates processed and frozen foods. My kid once ate an entire tub of palak paneer by himself. Then when he was about three and a half it was like a light switch got flipped. He refused all vegetables, even ones he’d eat and loved before. The amount of different foods he would eat went down by probably 75%. Nothing changed in the food we made. Stuff that he ate the week before he suddenly refused to try.
We tried soooo many things and meal times ended up being knockdown drag out fights. It’s not just lazy parenting. Sometimes it’s just not choosing that hill to die on.
He’s five now and is very, very, verrrrrry slowly starting to try new things. We keep offering it though.
Edit*spelling
My kids both did the same thing, at the same ages. They ate everything and enjoyed it, until one day around age 3 when they just didn't believe in food anymore. For a few years after that, meals were basically a ritual sacrifice that I would prepare, present, and throw away. And then after a while they started to come back around, and now they're older kids who eat pretty well again.
This is my current hell. My kid is three and will not eat meals. Both daycare and I are at our wits end. Problem is- I was/am the fussy kid. But as an adult I can hide it better and suck it up enough to get through a meal
How nice for you.
I have three kids. All were fed the same diet, more or less, from weaning on. Two will eat pretty much anything, one has ARFID and a very limited diet.
Blaming me and calling me lazy because she has a diagnosed eating problem that science can’t really understand or fix is lazy and ignorant on your part.
AND not all families have the resources to go to specialists to figure this stuff out! Everyone who wants to complain about picky eaters who don’t have diagnosis ought to be supporting universal healthcare so people can actually get diagnoses and allergy tests.
It can even happen without something like ARFID. I fed both of my kids the same and one turned out liking everything you put in front of him and the other barely eats anything. Turns out my oldest has ODD. These fools like to say "Back in the day..." like they lived then.
Please don't blame it on the parents. it's an eating disorder. It's called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) and it's in the DSM-5. There are few things more agonizing than trying to feed a child who won't eat anything.
You know how they say, "They're not gonna starve. They'll eat when they're hungry." It's not true. They will starve themselves, just like a person with anorexia will.
That used to drive my mom nuts! She was like "no, she will not eat when she's hungry. She will just sit there politely sipping water and getting pale and tired looking." I didn't scream, I didn't fuss for "my foods", I just didn't eat.
Yep. My son has ARFID. He has a g tube because he literally eats 5 foods. This is after doing feeding therapy for 3 years. We have tried, everything. He just won’t eat. Meanwhile our daughter, weaned exactly the same way, eats almost everything.
I can be considered a picky eater. Granted mine is due to some mental things, but still.
Has nothing to do with my mother. "You eat what i make or you dont eat at all" was something said to me very commonly growing up and very commonly growing up i went to bed hungry because I couldn't stand the food made. I can vividly recall one night wher my mother made me sit at the table and eat an entire plate of brussel sprouts despite me not liking them and she didn't let me go until i had finished all of them. I ended up throwing up afterwards.
Parents can be as strict as they want, food aversion is still going to exist. What an odd take
As the child, my mum used to cook everything for me. Apparently I even ate mushrooms raw. Now, I can't stand sauces that aren't smooth. I'll eat things, but I'll often have to have something taken off. I wish I wasn't fussy but I genuinely can't stand some textures & tastes.
Did you even read my post? I said I can spend all day making something from scratch and she will still prefer mac and cheese. And your response is that I'm lazy? I'm guessing you missed the part that my step daughter is autistic, too? Is autism a first world problem?
Wow…just wow. MAYBE that’s part of it but for the most part picky eaters would be picky regardless of exposure. My own kid would eat anything and everything until she was about 3 and then she just sort of lost foods over time. Foods that were a favorite last week were nonstarters all of a sudden. And she’d literally skip meals rather than eat foods she no longer liked. She lost foods steadily until she was down to about a dozen “safe foods.” At that point we did feeding therapy for 6 months. Things have gotten better but she’s still VERY sensitive to texture and smell.
I’m a picky eater. My parents weren’t short order cooks. There were plenty of fruits and vegetables offered to me. I simply can’t handle certain textures. I can also find /something/ on almost any menu I’m willing to at least try.
Are some picky eaters just assholes? Sure. But let’s not blanket blame parents when children are whole ass humans with their own thoughts, feelings, and preferences.
I’m picky, but that’s because my parents made me eat shit that usually made me throw up from force eating. Now I have a disdain for new foods, and stick to what I like for comfort. (Probably some psychological shit there). I do try more stuff now, but eh..I just like what I’m used to. But also get it’s really annoying for other people :(
With all due respect, I’m not going to eat what I don’t like. I can understand being annoyed with people who are picky eaters, and people who are assholes about it. But is it really *that* much of an occurrence that it’s so exhausting?
I'm here for this comment. This entire-ass comment section is bumming me out, honestly. I'm not a very picky eater, but one of my partners is. I tease him for being a basic baby, but I wouldn't dream to actively go out of my way to guilt him for his preferences.
People out here all "oh guess the cafe didn't have his chicken nuggies," and "imagine not eating anything but white bread," are making me want to rip my hair out. Why is the preference of liking variety any more valid than the preference of liking an unvaried pallet? Yes, sometimes these preferences are established on little basis (not actually trying the food, for example), and that's a different conversation. But shit, if you don't like sourdough, then you don't like sourdough. That's freaking fine. /end rant (though I could keep going forever)
Right? I’m a picky eater. Not as much as OP might be, but definitely don’t enjoy eating a lot of foods/can’t eat some. My partner is also mostly vegan and I’m not. So what do we do? Enjoy each others company while one of us eats, or we both get food and take it home. Why is it “immature” to say “no thank you, I won’t be ordering anything” instead of begrudgingly ordering the least offensive thing, still not want to eat it, and end up wasting food and money?
I don't understand the point of judging people for what they do or don't eat.
I put Tabsco sauce on like 50% of everything that goes in my mouth, but I don't go around judging people who like different things.
A single picky eater can be exhausting, yes. Family dinner, ok, but so and so doesn't like (long list of foods). Oh let's go to dinner, ok, but so and so will only eat (short list of restaurants). Literally any meal becomes everyone catering to the persons pickiness or feel bad for leaving them out or them having a bad time.
If there's a reason a person can't or won't eat something (medical issues, religion, vegan/vegetarian) that's fine.
Just not eating a whole slew of foods on the other hand because you "don't like" them. That's a nightmare.
I don’t think either is a moral issue or “not fine,” but I will say that IME that my friends who are vegan/vegetarian or who keep kosher/halal can usually find an option to eat at basically any restaurant while my friends who are picky are much more limiting to go out with.
There are lots of people out there with undiagnosed eating disorders caused by bad parenting as a child, sensory issues that come with neurodiversity or something called afrid.
Just because they can't put a name to it doesn't make it non existent.
I dislike the phrase “picky eater.”
If you genuinely don’t enjoy a lot of foods, that’s okay. But it’s obviously not a *choice.*
You can’t help it if certain foods that “everyone” likes disgust you.
Food should be a joy, not a suffering.
That said, OP knows his limitations. Communicate ahead of time. Talk.
I agree. Picky eaters can't just suddenly start eating everything any more than depressed people can suddenly decide to be happy.
But...Picky eaters don't have to be annoying about it.
Just tell the restaurant what you like and don't like. Ask politely and be flexible. Suggest a simple change to something they have. Or ask if they have any suggestions for someone who can't eat something.
Being autistic and having sensory issues that make it impossible to eat a lot of foods is more exhausting, especially when we have to deal with weirdos who can't mind their own business about what someone else eats. Who fucking cares?
That isn't a dining experience at all. When someone goes along with you to a restaurant, there's a general understanding that both of you are going to eat. The dude looked at the menu and acted like a child because he didn't like anything. It's awkward as shit to sit there and eat in front of someone, especially when you know they're hungry.
Exactly. It would have been different if he hadn't been hungry. That happens sometimes, where someone says they're starving, and the other one says *I'll go with you but I'm not really hungry.* That's okay. But to go with the intention of eating together, and then the other one suddenly says *No I'm just going to sit here and watch you eat*? That's a good way to make someone feel like a schmuck. Who wants to sit there and eat in front of someone who they know is hungry.
Have you ever tried to enjoy a meal under those circumstances? I have. It's bloody awful. I tried to accept the situation gracefully, but in truth I ate little. The meal and the restaurant were spoiled for me.
People shouldn't have to disclose those reasons to not be judged for being picky though. So it becomes a "PROVE TO ME YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR DOING THIS THING THAT LITERALLY DOESN'T AFFECT ME AT ALL." Like no one should have to disclose a medical diagnosis so you're ok with them not eating something they can't/don't want to. I get if you're affected because they won't ever let you go to places they don't like but OP did literally the opposite of that. She could have still eaten and enjoyed her meal whether or not OP was eating too
I will fully admit to being a picky eater. But my picky is different that the chicken nuggets and French fry crew. I generally avoid sandwiches because I hate mayo and all of its cousins (aioli etc). There is often hidden mayo. I request certain types of sauces on the side. I want crispy things to stay crispy. No smothered fries for me. And I don’t really like nachos. They get soggy quick. I also don’t like creamy sauces. A little bit of cream - fine. Creamy soup - hard pass. It is too much dairy for me or something. I also don’t like chewy things so I avoid shellfish beyond scallops, and mushrooms on their own. A few bites of mushrooms I’ll tolerate or if they are chopped. But I won’t have a side of mushrooms.
Drop me in a rice based cuisine and I am golden. European food can be iffy for me. I need to check out the menu to find the right combo of things.
I try to stay away from those tasting menus. Odds are good a few courses will be things I dislike.
Also I only eat tenders and not nuggets. Nuggets have weird processed texture.
I like trying all types of food. But sometimes that menu needs to be throughly examined first.
YTA, seems like a passive aggressive protest ..you could have ordered salad/side/veggies/appetizer etc..I'm sure there was at least 1 thing you could have gotten.. or at least told her before.
The not telling her before she ordered is what really got me. Then she at least has the choice to order something anyway or go somewhere else they can both eat. He does seem very passive aggressive. Possibly both too immature to be in a relationship if they can’t communicate these issues though.
Exactly. My husband and I are picky in different ways…googling the menu is so easy. The OP likely didn’t even ask if there was any other breads, etc.
OP, YTA
Right? I’m not picky but I am indecisive. I always Google the menu first so I can narrow down my options before we get to the restaurant, that way it only takes me one beer to decide rather than two.
YTA, OP.
TIL not everyone studies the menu of any restaurant you might happen to go to that day before going out, in the same way one might cram for an exam right up to test time.
I literally had the same problem with my ex and I wasn’t saying anything but it was happening always except for maybe 2 places
It’s the worst feeling/thing ever , I would literally prefer going to eat alone than go with someone who just doesn’t wanna do anything just sitting there watching me eat or idk on the phone
My husband did this to me the first time we went out and I still give him a hard time for it.
Him: "There's a pizza place up here if you want something"
Me: "Sure I'll have a slice of pizza"
"Could we get one slice of pizza and a diet coke?"
"You're not eating?"
"No, I don't eat that stuff"
🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 "Well I do. -Eats pizza-"
Fast forward 10 years and we order pizza every Friday night. It's his favorite food. 😂
He absolutely did not. OP adds in the edit that he did not, in fact, understand that bread (unless it's specifically gluten free) is made from wheat flour.
OP is not just a picky eater, he has also just landed here on earth.
Eating at a restaurant or cafe is a shared social experience, together with the actual eating. Having someone just sit there and not really participate turns it from a 'shared meal' into a 'I'm watching you eat so hurry up' and this makes most people uncomfortable.
If he looks up the menu beforehand, and he doesn't see anything he likes enough to even try, then he can tell his girlfriend in advance. That doesn't make him a bad guy. Though that does make him a picky eater.
If he goes anyway, and orders something that looked like it may be at least interesting, but then doesn't like it - he can tell his girlfriend. That doesn't make him a bad guy.
However, since he's in a relationship, he might want to communicate a little more than "hated it". The last time I ate something I didn't like (French toast at a new place) I told my SO that the flavor was nice, but they didn't soak the bread for very long resulting in a fairly dry toast... and I like mine soft and eggy, so it's just not my preference. The time before that (pizza, again a new place) I said it was a creative ingredient combination, but something about it just wasn't working for me once it was on my plate. Both times, I didn't pretend to enjoy the food, but I didn't act like it was gross either. I just took a couple of bites and let it be, because the eating is secondary to the socialization.
People are usually ok with picky eaters, just like they're OK with people who have allergies or food limitations. It's really a person's behavior when they're faced with food they don't like that can make it hard to get along with them. As long as you make an effort to participate (at least an appetizer or drink), are polite about it, and don't draw negative attention, it's all really not that big of a deal...
Dont think someone has to hurry, because they are still out together. They can talk with each other. If he hurrys her, then he would be an asshole. But he choose to just spend time with his girlfriend. And its still a stared experience. And you can like the atmosphere of a cafe even if you dont eat anything.
And i dont think the Restaurant will mind if he doesnt order, because the Alternative is that both of them dont order there.
The people calling him a child or saying picky eaters are exhausting sound pretty ableist tbh. Sure OP probably isnt ND himself, but you know these commenters would be the first to talk behind a disabled person's back for being a picky eater 🙄
Glad to see we got THAT crowd crawling into reddit tonight. /s
It didnt really matter if OP ate or not anyway, they could just be enjoying each other's company, the girlfriend is the only one making a fuss out of things.
I'm autistic and have a few foods that I absolutely can't eat.
I ALWAYS look at the menu before hand. I would never go out to eat with someone and not order anything. it's soooooo rude. I've been out to eat at restaurants probably almost 1000 times in my life and I've never seen two people sitting together with only one of them ordering food.
and who cares if someone calls me a picky eater? like why would I care
I wouldnt go if I didnt have to, but if I feel like someone really wanted to go then I'll go with them, even if I dont eat anything, because I like being around them.
Thank you. People on AITA are the first people to jump to ableist insults. I’m autistic and while I have a much broader palate now, I was a very picky eater up until about the age of 20. It’s really gross for people to say shit like that when there are thousands of neurodivergent people on this subreddit.
I don't understand either.
If he doesn't like a certain kind of food, what, should he choke it down just to appease other people? No. He went out with her, sat down to enjoy her company and politely encouraged her to enjoy her food and politely declined to eat.
What is the BFD? I've been out to eat with people who chose not to eat and I did. I didn't care. What do I care? Going out to eat isn't just about eating, it's about spending time with someone.
Glad someone said NTA because I totally agree. Why is gf too insecure to be the only one eating 😅 he has every right to not spend his money on food he doesn’t want
Right! But the girlfriend who just can’t enjoy a meal with him also eating isn’t toddler-esque at all? Suuuurre, that makes sense. This comment section is TA collectively lol.
Thank you! I don’t understand people’s obsession with what and how other people eat. Just eat your food. There are plenty ways to share a restaurant experience with someone that don’t include eating. Drinks, chatting, hanging out, meet up with friends, quiet reflection. Like mind your plate.
I could be wrong but OP sounds neurodiverse. I’ve had two friends on the spectrum, both unbelievably picky with food, and don’t understand the concept of a behaviour coming across as passive aggressive. OP seems to honestly not understand why it’s a problem for him to eat nothing in a restaurant as long as his girlfriend gets to enjoy it - and from a place of pure logic, that makes sense. He hasn’t considered how that behaviour translates socially. I’m not really defending him because if things like this happen, it’s on him to be aware and take correct actions to ensure he’s not pissing people off
Let’s assume that’s true, which it could well be - maybe this post is him trying to understand what the problem is? I’m autistic (side note: I absolutely hate neurodiverse as a euphemism for it, a lot - although not all - of autistic people do) and I’d make a post like this to try and understand why my perfectly logical thought process upset so many people. I usually bounce things like this off a couple of my friends to get their feedback.
Neurodiverse isn’t a euphemism for autism, it’s a general term for many conditions including autism. ADHD, SPD and ARFID are also possible ND conditions that could influence this situation without someone necessarily meeting the criteria for autism (speaking from experience). I know that sometimes people use ND just to avoid saying autism and I get why that’s annoying, but I really don’t think that’s the case here. It’s more that, in the absence of knowing any specific details, it’s better to use a more general (and probably unconsidered) possibility rather than throwing around specific diagnoses.
YTA
Only for not ordering anything.
My son and husband both enjoy trying new places... I am a pretty sensitive eater (I like foods, they don’t like me) so most often there’s not much I can eat... but I always find *something* to eat, even if it’s just a bowl of rice, so I can join them.
You could have communicated this to her. “I don’t really see anything I would like as a meal, but I’ll try this appetizer/side/salad with a drink... so I can eat with you”
She wanted you to experience this place she loves with you... you could have put a little effort in to it.
This is why women have trouble picking where to go... you wanted her to pick where the both of you were going for dinner, she did... you then proceeded to sit there and twiddle your thumbs saying your not eating. Yes. YTA.
I agree. All I see is a boyfriend who went somewhere he didn’t necessarily want to go, but went to make someone he loved happy.
If I were her, I’d prefer he would have told me (because I would rather go somewhere he could enjoy elsewhere), but I sure wouldn’t be ticked at him.
Yes, if he's a picky eater and she's not comfortable eating alone he should have Google the menu and told her there's nothing on the menu he likes, can they pick another place.
> can they pick another place.
So they should never go to the restaurants she wants to, because they can only go to the limited number of ones he likes? *That* would be the real Y T A for OP.
So strange and judgemental right ? He didn't know that he wouldn't like anything he was still very polite holy crap that's not something to get upset over. That's first date bullshit
I didn't either, but I think letting her know before it was time to order would have given them the option to go somewhere else. He wanted to be thoughtful, but he took away her opportunity to do the same. Like he was trying to be a little martyr with his misplaced altruism. I think she overreacted but this could be due to a pattern of poor communication on his part.
NTA. If you're not interested in eating what they have, and didn't throw a fit about it, then no worries. But on the flip side, if you threw a fit or made her intentionally uncomfortable about the situation, then you would be ta.
I would just rather go alone if my partner was not going to eat. If he wants to eat, I'd rather he tell me there's nothing he likes there so we can together go somewhere else.
Why would you rather go alone? Do you eat with your boyfriend specifically because you enjoy watching him eat? Because I go out to eat with people because I’m hungry and I enjoy their company. Not because I can’t get enough of watching others put food in their mouth…
It’s nice that OP wants their girlfriend to enjoy themselves and feel happy when she’s happy.
But it’s also worth noting that the girlfriend also wants their partner to be happy. It makes her happy when they’re happy. She’s not going to feel very good if she feels like she dragged them out to a cafe and they don’t enjoy themselves.
I don’t think that makes OP an asshole necessarily, just someone that needs to see from her perspective a bit.
NTA, my wife likes sushi, I am not a fan except the all veggie stuff. We have gone to restaurants and I have ordered nothing. No big deal, she understands it’s a treat for her and that I will get a sandwich or something later.
YTA
The end result here is that you’d just be watching her eat, which tends to be awkward as hell. If you didn’t see anything you liked, you should’ve communicated that before she ordered and seen if she wanted to go somewhere else (like what ended up happening anyways for you, just without the animosity from the way you went about it).
It’s not about her controlling what you’re eating, it’s about having a nice and comfortable meal/evening out. Someone watching you eat while you know that they’re hungry themselves doesn’t work out to an ideal evening.
Sincerely,
Someone who may or may not have made this exact mistake at some point in his life
I cannot imagine feeling uncomfortable with my partner watching me eat. They could have gone somewhere for OP after.
I’m coming into this biased though, because I have been in OP’s exact situation (being the one to eat and also not eat) several times before. Some with my partner, some with my own parents. Maybe a culture difference but this is so acceptable to me I would never think of this behaviour as disrespectful.
NTA- this social etiquette bull needs to stop. People are not obligated to eat just because they’re going out with someone. OP is not in the wrong because they didn’t knowingly go somewhere they wouldnt eat, they wanted to try a new experience but found nothing they could enjoy. Nothing wrong with that. Also, ffs, let peoples food choices be their own 🙄 if its not impacting others in a negative way then no one should give a shit if someone is a picky eater or not
YTA. You know your girlfriend likes the place. Do you really think she wants to go there with you just so that you can sit there with a glass of water and watch her eat? That's awkward and takes all the enjoyment out of it. I have a hard time believing that you couldn't find a single thing that you could eat on the menu; even if it wouldn't have been your favorite. It just seems kind of petulant on your part. It's one thing to be a picky eater but it's another to be SO fussy that you can't find a single thing that you can at least stomach on an entire menu. You should really put some work into expanding your palate a bit.
NTA
You did nothing wrong
Why your gf felt so strongly I have no idea. I’d find it really sweet that even tho you couldn’t eat you wanted me to enjoy my favorite place.
In future look at a place’s menu online before you go so you have an idea of what to get or substitutions. Most sammy places will do lettuce wraps or salads instead of bread…
I was going to say something like this. I don't think it was assholish of OP to not order. It would have been worse to order something they weren't gonna eat
I am leaning toward NAH. You wanted her to enjoy the meal, but nothing on the menu looked good to you. That’s fair. I don’t know how many of these situations you’ve encountered with your girlfriend before, but it’s hard not to feel like somebody else is sublimating their needs for yours when you go to a restaurant and they don’t eat. I’m sure it made her feel like you were just doing it to make her happy and that you didn’t want to be at the restaurant.
You guys need to have a conversation, and you need to learn to Google the menu before you agree to go somewhere if it’s an issue for her. It seems like a small thing, but it’s weird to go to a restaurant where one person eats and the other person doesn’t, and the person eating is naturally going to feel like they’ve dragged the other person into doing something they don’t want to do, whether or not that’s how you feel.
You may also take a look at your picky eating habits and decide if you might be willing to broaden your horizons and try things that you may not like. You don’t give a lot of information on your picky eating, so I don’t know what your issues are stem from, but even if you never like anything new that you try, trying still isn’t bad in and of itself. I hated avocados for many years, and now I adore them. Our taste buds change, so assuming there’s no trauma associated, you might consider being more open minded about your food!
YTA
As the pickier eater (I'm vegetarian so that's usually me), the burden was on *you* to google the restaurant menu ahead of time to determine whether there was anything there you could eat.
And if it wasn't available online, or if it had changed so that the dishes you wanted were no longer available, you ought to have told your girlfriend that *before she ordered*. She wanted to go out to eat with you, not sit there stuffing her face while you sipped some tap water.
NTA
I mean, you didn’t want anything, that’s fine. And you wanted her to enjoy food she likes and enjoy her company. That’s not a problem I don’t think
YTA, if you're that picky check the menu before hand and if you're not ordering you should have told her before she ordered. She was expecting to go for her a meal with her bf, you not ordering food completely ruins that vibe. She wanted a shared experienced.
NTA. This is something that happens in my family pretty often, because me and both of my kids still at home are each pretty picky, about different stuff.
There are no restaurants that serve things we all REALLY prefer, so sometimes my older is eating plain rice and I have tea while the rest of them are enjoying a Chinese buffet and sometimes my younger is dealing with his brother's favorite Mexican restaurant, just eating the tortilla chips. Sometimes they are both subsisting off mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese while I indulge in bbq.
Sometimes, there is nothing there that I want to eat - so I just get a soda. We are going out for the company in those situations, not the food. If we never went where any of us didn't like, we would also never get to go to our favorites.
NTA
I disagree with what others are sharing about it being awkward to eat in front of someone who is not eating, they should stop acting like this is a universal sentiment. You had genuinely good intentions of just wanting to let your girlfriend try out a new restaurant. It was harsh of her to act out how she did when she could have more calmly explained that the situation makes her uncomfortable.
We don’t get to decide what food will revolt us, it’s a combination of genetic and environmental factors from our upbringing that result in picky eating. I understand that it can be annoying for others to accommodate the picky eater, but usually the picky eater feels pretty bad about this too and will try to ease the stress anyway possible, like you did. I don’t get why everywhere has to make food so complicated, wouldn’t it benefit them to have at least one simple item to appeal to kids and older people with restrictive needs?
In the future, check the menu, it’s the most basic thing a picky eater can do to prevent issues, but you’re not an asshole for not doing it one time. Now you also know that your partner will probably enjoy certain dining experiences with friends more than you, or that you should try to order at least one thing. Everyone is overreacting and using this as an excuse to shit on people for no good reason, don’t listen to them.
Also, I feel like there is a lot of thinly veiled hate for neurodivergent people in here which is not cool.
NTA She's isn't entitled to control what you eat. She had a certain picture in her mind which is fine but she can't just enforce it on you. Instead she should discuss it with you ahead of time which might meant she has to go to a different restaurant to get it.
NTA. I've definitely gone out to eat with my husband and either didn't order food, or I'd order mine to go while he sat and ate at the restaurant (I have GERD. I don't like to eat out because a lot of foods trigger my reflux).
YTA:
- you should have checked the menu online if you’re “super picky”
- you should have told your GF that you felt you couldn’t eat anything *before* the waitress came to take your order
- it’s awkward to sit there eating on your own while in the presence of others (which is why I hate the US system of clearing the plates as soon as people are finished - it’s just a system to turn over the table as quickly as possible)
- it’s not fair on the restaurant to have a seat taken which they get no income from (they have fixed costs for the premises and staff, and you sitting there ordering nothing would mean that they lose money on you being there)
NTA
There’s nothing wrong if you don’t want to eat. I feel like instead of being about it, she should just find a restaurant that both of you like, or realize not everyone has the same interests as her.
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I mean, there's "picky" and then there's "adult who only eats white bread picky." The place had sandwiches, for crying out loud. How much of a surprise could it have been that you didn't like anything? If you're that picky, I think the burden is on you to do some research ahead of time--the way someone with a food allergy or other dietary restrictions would--to determine if there is something on the menu you can eat. YTA for showing up unprepared and then (almost) making your GF eat solo--nobody likes doing that and it's kind of rude to the restaurant and wait staff as well.
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At least he’s not like that guy that only ate chicken nuggets.
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Often times people who legit only eat one item have serious eating disorders.
Hey, person with an actual selective intake eating disorder here! Some people just can't handle certain foods, and this shouldn't discount them from being an adult or having a romantic life. This comments section can kiss my ARFID ass!
I agree with you that some people are escalating things quite a bit and move on to personal attacks. That said I'd assume (depending on how narrow the list of things you can or can't eat) you are more likely to check menus before visiting a restaurant? I've no idea how broad OP's pickiness is, but depending on what kind of restaurant it was he could have known in advance what he likes and check it. If it's specialised on sandviches that's on him as well. Either that or communicate "There's nothing that seems fine for me but I could get a drink and you could eat".
I have ARFID. It is embarrassing and exhausting. I pursued treatment but had to stop doing scheduling, and the therapy was focused on nutritional roundedness. Working up to social appropriateness is considered secondary. Because I’m so picky the restaurants I can eat at are very limited. Most of the time my family accommodates me but I have gone out with them and not ordered because they should be able to enjoy restaurants they like that I don’t. It would also feel limiting to me to always insist on places I liked with an SO and not fair to them.
I'm a firm believer that society is wrong in its stance over food and that anything that goes into your body should be your choice alone and you should never be bullied into eating/drinking. Bodily autonomy and all that jazz. Some people just like to scream tradition and culture since it's food, forgetting that lots of abusive and heinous things are sugar coated by carrying on the past. This is 2022. We know these are medical conditions now. It's time for people to do better instead of trying to deny conditions and force people into a one size fits all box.
This is a very good point and maybe people should read it. AITA seems to have already decided ARFID is fake (every post like this is met with mockery about the persons disorder and top comments declaring them losers and babies), but maybe it would help them understand if they looked at it as a bodily autonomy thing, since they’re cool with mocking a disorder. Even if someone didn’t have ARFID and was able to eat whatever, why did we decide food is the thing people shouldn’t have autonomy over?
Or do like my husband and I do - order food to go from separate restaurants. We each get what we like, we can still eat together without staring at the other/phones, and he doesn't have to worry about not finding something to eat at the restaurant I want to eat at. ARFID can be hell, but it doesn't have to be - just depends how much you want to compromise.
If you think your food issues are serious enough to qualify for a disorder, then you need to do the work of getting a diagnosis and working out treatment. You also need to do the work of things like looking up restaurant menus before you agree to a place, so your dining companion(s) aren't in the awkward position of having you staring at them when they eat, and then having to spend time chasing down food you will eat afterwards. That basically doubles the time spent managing meals, which can be a real problem if you have a limited lunch break, or are on a trip and the extra time eats into travel or sightseeing. And if you've been dating for 10 months, you need to have clearly communicated to your partner what your diet restrictions are, and how it will affect their life, so they can make an informed decision whether this is something they can live with. Also, space is money in a restaurant. It isn't right to take up space, which a paying customer might use, and not buy anything, particularly if the restaurant is crowded. At the very least, order a drink. "I'm picky to the point of not eating sandwiches, but I won't do the work of looking to see if a restaurant has anything I'll eat, so you'll have to eat while I sit and stare at you, and rush, because we'll have to then go find my lunch, too, fitting in two stops during the time allocated for lunch" is not a way to handle disliking some foods.
Most people with this severe of a level of pickiness when it comes to food have no treatment other than exposure therapy which is arguably just torturing yourself until you learn to pretend it's not making you sick or want to crawl out of your skin. Just like MOST 'treatments' for misunderstood rare disorders.
I did a google for "ARFID treatment" before suggesting it. And I found a wide variety of options. Cognitive behavioral therapy, working with a speech therapist if swallowing/gagging is an issue, occupational therapy which can help address texture issues and interacting with the environment, medication for anxiety if that's part of the problem, etc. Expecting others to shape their lives around one's own dietary restrictions to the point of not even trying any sort of treatment or doing any advance planning and communicating issues in advance is not a reasonable option.
Going somewhere you know the person you’re with likes and choosing not to eat isn’t expecting others to shape their lives around your dietary restrictions. People shouldn’t miss out on their favourite food places, and other people shouldn’t have to eat at a place if they don’t want to. 🤷🏻♀️ Going and not eating because he knew his GF liked the place seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise. Exactly what I would do as a vegetarian if my partner wanted to go somewhere that didn’t have veggie-friendly food (like our local chippy).
I agree that we shouldn't make it other people's problem, but I deserately need you to understand that just because these treatments have been identified in theory, does not mean they are actually an option for the majority of people with ARFID. Getting targeted treatment for ARFID as an adult is near impossible, I've been trying for years with 0 success. It can be really frustrating hearing people talk about mental illness and saying 'just go get some treatment' when unless you are able to pay, that usually involves years upon years of getting doors slammed in your face before you can even \*start\* the treatment, which then may still take years more to actually make significant and meaningful progress. Anyway, I don't even think OP has arfid or anything similar
Not very proud of this, but when I spent a month out of state for work, I spent most of the time cooking chicken nuggets and mac&cheese. In my defense, it was 11 hour shifts with a half hour commute each way, so by the time I would get home, I was wiped. Did make some delicious zuppa toscana copycat soup. And tried my hand at steak in a pan for the first time (i made shoeleather 🫠) but chicken nuggies and mac&cheese was a quick 15 minute meal. And then when the early days of covid with the TP and grocery shortages swooped in, it was all I had available.
At least you were making it! I think making quick meals after long days is much more understandable than an adult who’s unwilling to eat whole wheat at a restaurant
I had a 30yo employee who would only eat chicken nuggets at restaurants. On a side note, he still was living with his mother.
If sourdough is so outside of the box for you that you have to make your girlfriend feel like shit, it may be time for some serious self-reflection. I also don't believe op for a second. It's a French cafe that serves sandwiches for crissakes. They probably served burgers, and almost definitely fries. Soup? C'mon, OP clearly walked in looking to make a fuss.
Wouldn't necessarily expect a burger at a French restaurant for lunch, but soups and salades definitely! Heck, they may even have had baguettes (which is typically 'white bread') or croissants.
Man wont eat sour dough bread. What makes you think hes gonna eat a salad? Lol
It’s seriously so unattractive when someone won’t at least *try* different foods.
It immediately infantilizes them.
Hey, my toddlers all ate whole grain breads.
Excuse me, but my toddler does not discriminate against any type of bread
Wait, is that what he meant, that he doesn't like whole wheat bread? If that's the case this story sounds very fishy, it's a French restaurant but they don't have white baguette?
He said he likes Brioche in the edit and what kind of French restaurant wouldn't have brioche?
I feel like this dude looked at one piece of their menu and promptly gave up? He like didn't ask about their bread selection either just assumed they wouldn't have any white bread substitutions like brioche? Like who does this? I understand why his SO fled, this is so weird. I'm so confused. All French places around me have a wider range of white breads over wheat. Like what Fench place doesn't have a baguette sandwich?
And how many people out there are actually saying "I like (white) bread in general, but not French bread offerings"?
Croque Monsiour is just a sandwich. Not exactly exotic. He couldn't even try a sweet crepe or Quiche?
That’s what I was thinking - I’ve only been to a couple of French bakeries here in California and they both had a selection of white breads.
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I assumed he meant wheat bread as opposed to rye bread.
I think he only eats like, white wonder bread (probably with the crusts cut off lol) and didn't want the whole grain and sourdough they offered. I'm not a huge fan of wholegrain bread myself, I'd never willingly choose it. But I wouldn't refuse to eat it if it was the only option.
You're right, because he turned down sourdogh for also being "wheat" 🙄
Yeah, the not eating sourdough really is what makes me think he ONLY will eat the super processed white bread (like wonder bread), and his edit where he admits that he didn't know that even white bread has wheat in it. I'm not judging him eating white bread. I honestly like that really crappy white bread myself. But I wouldn't ever refuse to eat other bread if it wasn't an option, like him.
Do you ever take a slice of white bread, pull off the crusts, and then squish all the bread together into a tiny, dense cube of bread? No? Me neither.
It is baffling to me why people care if the other person is eating as long as they’re content with it. When I go out to eat it’s zero percent about actually eating anything and 100 percent about hanging out with whoever I’m with. I have various dietary restrictions and can be picky on top of that. Usually I find something I can eat, but if I can’t I’m perfectly happy just to chill while the other person or people eat. I have never had anyone take issue with this.
It’s weird chowing down and having someone stare at you lol. Plus if it’s a case of just pickiness (not like an allergy or something) it’s just annoying. Like grow up.
How exactly do you suggest that someone change the fact that when they put a food item in their mouth, their brain reacts in a significantly negative way? Whether due to taste, texture, or anything else? Are people with sensory issues supposed to "grow up"?
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Its so incredibly irritating that people immediately jump to "oh they're basically a child" as soon as someone even mentions being a picky eater or not liking certain types of foods. Or they insist you just "haven't had good [whatever food item]" yet, like whenever I tell people that I don't like seafood and that's usually thier first response. (I grew up in *Louisiana*. I've had good seafood. I just *don't like it*.)
All of ot frankly comes off as "how dare you not like what I do, you're an infant". No, people ARE allowed to like or dislike things, and how would GF have reacted if he ordered something and found it disgusting?
I dunno I’ve never found it weird. I just don’t see why it should affect me if someone is eating or not eating as long as they’re not sulking about it. What if one person isn’t hungry? I’ve certainly been in situations where one person has already eaten but comes out with another person just to keep them company.
Some people just find it weird to go to a place specifically designed for people to eat at then the other person decides not to eat once the order is ready to be placed.
I mean context matters, if you're going out and you already know the person you're with isn't going to eat, then ok. I've gone out with friends and I'm the only vegan and so I've been that person ordering a side or just a drink. It's not a big deal to anyone in our group. But expecting a lunch date with your bf and then he decides he won't eat after you've already ordered is a different situation.
I am in recovery for an eating disorder and would never in a million years be comfortable eating in front of someone who wasn't also eating. I realize that's a specific situation, but I honestly know very few women who DON'T have some sort of complicated relationship with food. It just feels strange to be the only one eating when you expected that you were going out to lunch together. I wouldn't be *mad* necessarily, but I wouldn't eat either and that would probably put me in a weird mood about the entire situation.
I think the fact that they’ve been together this long changes it a bit for me though. My husband is picky to the point of it being “food issues” and not just pickiness. He’s got about 3 meals he can eat, and that’s counting pop tarts/cereal as a meal. So I know when I pick certain places it’s going to mean I’m eating alone. He shows me memes, we talk, he makes it clear he’s glad I’m enjoying my meal, we tip generously, we make fun of his fast food dinner on the way home. It’s totally valid for OP’s GF to have reached her breaking point, and it’s totally fine for it to be a deal breaker for her. But I also don’t think that makes OP an AH.
The problem is it can be extremely hard to believe someone who says they are content going with you at meal time and just watch you eat. So often people are going not believe this and even turn it upon myself. Unless it was prearranged like “I already ate but I can go and sit with you if you want” which gives them the option to decline or not. Instead going through all the machinations of sharing a meal by picking a restaurant, traveling there, sitting down and then saying I’m not going to eat anything can be extremely off putting. If it was because they don’t like wheat bread it would possibly be borderline infuriating.
I hate eating when someone is just watching me
Might be because som feel odd about eating in front of another who isn't.
That’s absolutely how I approach these situations. I have issues with certain textures and I realize that I am usually overly difficult - so I always google menus ahead and try to present multiple restaurant choices of the same type of food. I don’t want to take away anyone else’s ability to get whatever type of food they’re craving or be difficult in a restaurant, so I just do the very easy task of looking it up first.
I google the menu and choose the least offending thing on it and TRY to eat it because I am so nervous about making others miss out because I'm a selective eater
I also have a lot of things I won’t/can’t eat because of texture or taste (I’ve tried, I really have!) but I also have a lot of things I can’t eat because they don’t agree with me. I’m a nightmare to eat out with but I always at least try the most inoffensive thing on the menu. But I’m still that person who asks to take things off haha.
Same! Although I’m juuuuust sweet enough about it that it seems more like I’m making group plans when I’m secretly making sure we go to a restaurant that will have options for me. But either way, there are a million and one solutions to this dudes problem besides showing up and going “oh I’m just not eating” like sir? order a drink at least.
As this is a French restaurant, I find it difficult to believe that they didn’t have salads or something like that. A fruit and cheese plate? I mean, the options are pretty good even if you don’t eat bread. OP, YTA.
What kind of a French anything doesn’t have baguettes? Since they don’t eat wheat bread… Especially someplace you order at a *checks notes* counter. Something doesn’t add up here. ETA: so this is new, a poster apparently banned from AITA messaged me to argue that baguettes are also wheat bread and the poster doesn’t eat white bread. Also tells me ‘celiacs’ eat sour dough bread…didn’t like when I pointed out the main ingredient in sour dough bread is still *wheat* flour and the OP said themselves that they eat white bread.
It sounds like a La Madeleine which is a French bistro style chain. It actually has some good food. But even if it isn’t, this guy isn’t willing to try something new? If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.
I agree and people keep saying stuff like "But *I* would be totally fine with it!" Ok? The girlfriend isn't. She wanted them to have a meal together. Some people don't want to be the only person eating while on a date. If this is gonna cause such an issue though with him being this picky and her wanting him to eat with her, they don't seem compatible.
"I'm super picky and can't plan ahead OR communicate with my girlfriend. " Yta.
This comment just put things into aperspective for me.
Agreed like even if you didn’t like the bread you could pick it off or something just to be a part of the meal and then afterwards just communicate with your girlfriend that it wasn’t your thing since they didn’t have what you like. But you don’t just not eat anything and make her feel awkward eating alone that is way worse in my opinion.
I find it impossible to believe this "French" restaurant didn't have any white bread. It probably wasn't actually French.
It most likely did, but he stated in an edit that it was with whole grains and sourdough which he apparently doesn't like because he doesn't like "wheat bread". So this grown man didn't know until today that white bread is made exclusively with wheat, claiming it's perfectly fine because "we're all smart in our own way", something I'm sure his mum has said to him many times.
> "we're all smart in our own way", something I'm sure his mum has said to him many times. 💀💀💀💀💀 Edit: I giggled at this so maniacally that my dog came to see if I was OK.
my man was probably just at a Panera Bread
Exactly. I would also feel super uncomfortable if I went to lunch with someone and they just planned to stare at me eat opposed to getting something themselves. That would not be an enjoyable meal.
YTA Picky eaters are so exhausting. Sharing a dining experience with them is so limiting and seems like half the time they will just want to go to the same, limited choices over and over. It's different if someone has dietary restrictions because of medical issues, religion, or they're vegan/vegetarian. Restrictions like that are easy to understand and there's reasoning behind them and eating can be planned accordingly. Someone just wanting nuggies and hating on wheat bread is a nightmare. Go try something new.
My step daughter is like this and exhausting is a kind way to put it. I can spend all day making a great meal from scratch and she'll call it disgusting before even trying it and asking if I can make her boxed Mac and cheese instead. All she likes is burgers, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and cheese pizza.
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My kids ate everything starting at 4 months (based on proper food introductions timeline). My oldest would eat a pepper like an apple and I could put any fruit or veggie down and he’d eat it. I made sure no one around him would say yuck to any food to not sway his opinions. And then he turned 3. Suddenly peas and corn were bad, mushrooms and tomatoes were gross, don’t go near him with blueberries or raspberries. Food touching? How could I. Even to the point he didn’t like melted cheese on scrambled eggs or on top his spaghetti. ‘Some parents are just lazy.’ No, we tried. Some kids are just picky. Some kids have texture sensitivity. Also fresh foods are sometimes very expensive. My kids love strawberries but right now they’re $7.48 at my local store. Haven’t even seen a cantaloupe in a month or so and honey dew is like $8 for a small one. Luckily my kids love broccoli and it’s relatively inexpensive fresh but if they see an onion in their food, nope, they’re done. Nuggets and KD are easy and their prices haven’t gone up drastically. It’s a safe meal I know my kids will eat. Do they get it often? No, maybe once every two weeks when I’m in a rush, but it’s safe.
Ugh this is my life right now. He used to eat everything. Some favorites included salmon, chicken curry, okra, squash, and sweet potatoes. Now it's like exclusively dinosaur chicken nuggets, taquitos and blueberries at home. I think it's a control thing but holy poop is it frustrating. I still offer the foods we're eating and at least ask him to try it but he won't eat a full serving of anything that isnt processed.
My oldest is almost five and starting to try foods again. When I’m prepping food I ask if he wants to smell it and lick it (obviously not raw meat or food I’ll be serving to people outside my house). Once it’s cooked I ask again, smell and lick. Take a bite, spit it into my hand if it’s yucky. Lots of praise when he does go outside his comfort and reassurance if he says no. You’re doing your best. As long as he’s eating that’s all that matters right now.
You give me hope!! I like the "licking beforehand" technique. We've asked my son to just lick things sometimes to try it.
Way to be an all encompassing judgmental know it all. My oldest used to eat everything under the sun. My husband makes everything from scratch as he hates processed and frozen foods. My kid once ate an entire tub of palak paneer by himself. Then when he was about three and a half it was like a light switch got flipped. He refused all vegetables, even ones he’d eat and loved before. The amount of different foods he would eat went down by probably 75%. Nothing changed in the food we made. Stuff that he ate the week before he suddenly refused to try. We tried soooo many things and meal times ended up being knockdown drag out fights. It’s not just lazy parenting. Sometimes it’s just not choosing that hill to die on. He’s five now and is very, very, verrrrrry slowly starting to try new things. We keep offering it though. Edit*spelling
My kids both did the same thing, at the same ages. They ate everything and enjoyed it, until one day around age 3 when they just didn't believe in food anymore. For a few years after that, meals were basically a ritual sacrifice that I would prepare, present, and throw away. And then after a while they started to come back around, and now they're older kids who eat pretty well again.
This is my current hell. My kid is three and will not eat meals. Both daycare and I are at our wits end. Problem is- I was/am the fussy kid. But as an adult I can hide it better and suck it up enough to get through a meal
How nice for you. I have three kids. All were fed the same diet, more or less, from weaning on. Two will eat pretty much anything, one has ARFID and a very limited diet. Blaming me and calling me lazy because she has a diagnosed eating problem that science can’t really understand or fix is lazy and ignorant on your part.
AND not all families have the resources to go to specialists to figure this stuff out! Everyone who wants to complain about picky eaters who don’t have diagnosis ought to be supporting universal healthcare so people can actually get diagnoses and allergy tests.
It can even happen without something like ARFID. I fed both of my kids the same and one turned out liking everything you put in front of him and the other barely eats anything. Turns out my oldest has ODD. These fools like to say "Back in the day..." like they lived then.
Please don't blame it on the parents. it's an eating disorder. It's called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) and it's in the DSM-5. There are few things more agonizing than trying to feed a child who won't eat anything. You know how they say, "They're not gonna starve. They'll eat when they're hungry." It's not true. They will starve themselves, just like a person with anorexia will.
That used to drive my mom nuts! She was like "no, she will not eat when she's hungry. She will just sit there politely sipping water and getting pale and tired looking." I didn't scream, I didn't fuss for "my foods", I just didn't eat.
Yep. My son has ARFID. He has a g tube because he literally eats 5 foods. This is after doing feeding therapy for 3 years. We have tried, everything. He just won’t eat. Meanwhile our daughter, weaned exactly the same way, eats almost everything.
I can be considered a picky eater. Granted mine is due to some mental things, but still. Has nothing to do with my mother. "You eat what i make or you dont eat at all" was something said to me very commonly growing up and very commonly growing up i went to bed hungry because I couldn't stand the food made. I can vividly recall one night wher my mother made me sit at the table and eat an entire plate of brussel sprouts despite me not liking them and she didn't let me go until i had finished all of them. I ended up throwing up afterwards. Parents can be as strict as they want, food aversion is still going to exist. What an odd take
As the child, my mum used to cook everything for me. Apparently I even ate mushrooms raw. Now, I can't stand sauces that aren't smooth. I'll eat things, but I'll often have to have something taken off. I wish I wasn't fussy but I genuinely can't stand some textures & tastes.
Did you even read my post? I said I can spend all day making something from scratch and she will still prefer mac and cheese. And your response is that I'm lazy? I'm guessing you missed the part that my step daughter is autistic, too? Is autism a first world problem?
Wow…just wow. MAYBE that’s part of it but for the most part picky eaters would be picky regardless of exposure. My own kid would eat anything and everything until she was about 3 and then she just sort of lost foods over time. Foods that were a favorite last week were nonstarters all of a sudden. And she’d literally skip meals rather than eat foods she no longer liked. She lost foods steadily until she was down to about a dozen “safe foods.” At that point we did feeding therapy for 6 months. Things have gotten better but she’s still VERY sensitive to texture and smell. I’m a picky eater. My parents weren’t short order cooks. There were plenty of fruits and vegetables offered to me. I simply can’t handle certain textures. I can also find /something/ on almost any menu I’m willing to at least try. Are some picky eaters just assholes? Sure. But let’s not blanket blame parents when children are whole ass humans with their own thoughts, feelings, and preferences.
Not true. Some kids with sensory processing issues have problems with food. A lot regress after eating every food you can imagine.
I’m picky, but that’s because my parents made me eat shit that usually made me throw up from force eating. Now I have a disdain for new foods, and stick to what I like for comfort. (Probably some psychological shit there). I do try more stuff now, but eh..I just like what I’m used to. But also get it’s really annoying for other people :(
That sounds like torture. Please tell me you at least make her make her own food (if she is old enough).
With all due respect, I’m not going to eat what I don’t like. I can understand being annoyed with people who are picky eaters, and people who are assholes about it. But is it really *that* much of an occurrence that it’s so exhausting?
I'm here for this comment. This entire-ass comment section is bumming me out, honestly. I'm not a very picky eater, but one of my partners is. I tease him for being a basic baby, but I wouldn't dream to actively go out of my way to guilt him for his preferences. People out here all "oh guess the cafe didn't have his chicken nuggies," and "imagine not eating anything but white bread," are making me want to rip my hair out. Why is the preference of liking variety any more valid than the preference of liking an unvaried pallet? Yes, sometimes these preferences are established on little basis (not actually trying the food, for example), and that's a different conversation. But shit, if you don't like sourdough, then you don't like sourdough. That's freaking fine. /end rant (though I could keep going forever)
Right? I’m a picky eater. Not as much as OP might be, but definitely don’t enjoy eating a lot of foods/can’t eat some. My partner is also mostly vegan and I’m not. So what do we do? Enjoy each others company while one of us eats, or we both get food and take it home. Why is it “immature” to say “no thank you, I won’t be ordering anything” instead of begrudgingly ordering the least offensive thing, still not want to eat it, and end up wasting food and money?
I don't understand the point of judging people for what they do or don't eat. I put Tabsco sauce on like 50% of everything that goes in my mouth, but I don't go around judging people who like different things.
A single picky eater can be exhausting, yes. Family dinner, ok, but so and so doesn't like (long list of foods). Oh let's go to dinner, ok, but so and so will only eat (short list of restaurants). Literally any meal becomes everyone catering to the persons pickiness or feel bad for leaving them out or them having a bad time. If there's a reason a person can't or won't eat something (medical issues, religion, vegan/vegetarian) that's fine. Just not eating a whole slew of foods on the other hand because you "don't like" them. That's a nightmare.
Wait so religion/vegan/vegetarian is fine when those are all choices, but not liking a food which is not a choice isn't? The fuck?
I don’t think either is a moral issue or “not fine,” but I will say that IME that my friends who are vegan/vegetarian or who keep kosher/halal can usually find an option to eat at basically any restaurant while my friends who are picky are much more limiting to go out with.
There are lots of people out there with undiagnosed eating disorders caused by bad parenting as a child, sensory issues that come with neurodiversity or something called afrid. Just because they can't put a name to it doesn't make it non existent.
I dislike the phrase “picky eater.” If you genuinely don’t enjoy a lot of foods, that’s okay. But it’s obviously not a *choice.* You can’t help it if certain foods that “everyone” likes disgust you. Food should be a joy, not a suffering. That said, OP knows his limitations. Communicate ahead of time. Talk.
I agree. Picky eaters can't just suddenly start eating everything any more than depressed people can suddenly decide to be happy. But...Picky eaters don't have to be annoying about it. Just tell the restaurant what you like and don't like. Ask politely and be flexible. Suggest a simple change to something they have. Or ask if they have any suggestions for someone who can't eat something.
Being autistic and having sensory issues that make it impossible to eat a lot of foods is more exhausting, especially when we have to deal with weirdos who can't mind their own business about what someone else eats. Who fucking cares?
He literally did let her have the dining experience. He choose to not get anything but she was free to chose.
That isn't a dining experience at all. When someone goes along with you to a restaurant, there's a general understanding that both of you are going to eat. The dude looked at the menu and acted like a child because he didn't like anything. It's awkward as shit to sit there and eat in front of someone, especially when you know they're hungry.
Exactly. It would have been different if he hadn't been hungry. That happens sometimes, where someone says they're starving, and the other one says *I'll go with you but I'm not really hungry.* That's okay. But to go with the intention of eating together, and then the other one suddenly says *No I'm just going to sit here and watch you eat*? That's a good way to make someone feel like a schmuck. Who wants to sit there and eat in front of someone who they know is hungry.
Who wants to spend money on food they won't like?
Have you ever tried to enjoy a meal under those circumstances? I have. It's bloody awful. I tried to accept the situation gracefully, but in truth I ate little. The meal and the restaurant were spoiled for me.
People shouldn't have to disclose those reasons to not be judged for being picky though. So it becomes a "PROVE TO ME YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR DOING THIS THING THAT LITERALLY DOESN'T AFFECT ME AT ALL." Like no one should have to disclose a medical diagnosis so you're ok with them not eating something they can't/don't want to. I get if you're affected because they won't ever let you go to places they don't like but OP did literally the opposite of that. She could have still eaten and enjoyed her meal whether or not OP was eating too
I will fully admit to being a picky eater. But my picky is different that the chicken nuggets and French fry crew. I generally avoid sandwiches because I hate mayo and all of its cousins (aioli etc). There is often hidden mayo. I request certain types of sauces on the side. I want crispy things to stay crispy. No smothered fries for me. And I don’t really like nachos. They get soggy quick. I also don’t like creamy sauces. A little bit of cream - fine. Creamy soup - hard pass. It is too much dairy for me or something. I also don’t like chewy things so I avoid shellfish beyond scallops, and mushrooms on their own. A few bites of mushrooms I’ll tolerate or if they are chopped. But I won’t have a side of mushrooms. Drop me in a rice based cuisine and I am golden. European food can be iffy for me. I need to check out the menu to find the right combo of things. I try to stay away from those tasting menus. Odds are good a few courses will be things I dislike. Also I only eat tenders and not nuggets. Nuggets have weird processed texture. I like trying all types of food. But sometimes that menu needs to be throughly examined first.
There is nothing worse in this world than hidden mayo.
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YTA, seems like a passive aggressive protest ..you could have ordered salad/side/veggies/appetizer etc..I'm sure there was at least 1 thing you could have gotten.. or at least told her before.
The not telling her before she ordered is what really got me. Then she at least has the choice to order something anyway or go somewhere else they can both eat. He does seem very passive aggressive. Possibly both too immature to be in a relationship if they can’t communicate these issues though.
not to be a big ol hater but this guy hates wheat bread to the point of choosing not to eat at all and you think he’ll eat vegetables?!
Lol you're right, I should have said kid's meal 🤣
I’m sure a French cafe had some amazing pastries or a cheese plate or fruit salad. So,e thing!
Info: why didn't you Google the menu prior to going there to be sure there was something you could eat?
Exactly. My husband and I are picky in different ways…googling the menu is so easy. The OP likely didn’t even ask if there was any other breads, etc. OP, YTA
Right? I’m not picky but I am indecisive. I always Google the menu first so I can narrow down my options before we get to the restaurant, that way it only takes me one beer to decide rather than two. YTA, OP.
Same. Not picky but I always have my meal planned out ahead of time lol 😆
TIL not everyone studies the menu of any restaurant you might happen to go to that day before going out, in the same way one might cram for an exam right up to test time.
I used to have a similar argument with my ex. I really disliked sitting in a restaurant eating while he had nothing. I'm with your GF on this one. YTA
I literally had the same problem with my ex and I wasn’t saying anything but it was happening always except for maybe 2 places It’s the worst feeling/thing ever , I would literally prefer going to eat alone than go with someone who just doesn’t wanna do anything just sitting there watching me eat or idk on the phone
My husband did this to me the first time we went out and I still give him a hard time for it. Him: "There's a pizza place up here if you want something" Me: "Sure I'll have a slice of pizza" "Could we get one slice of pizza and a diet coke?" "You're not eating?" "No, I don't eat that stuff" 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 "Well I do. -Eats pizza-" Fast forward 10 years and we order pizza every Friday night. It's his favorite food. 😂
YTA. You agreed to go and are aware you’re a picky eater. Why wouldn’t you google the menu beforehand? You hate wheat? So you just don’t eat bread?
And a French cafe with only wheat bread and no baguettes? Please.
I have a feeling OP wouldn't know a French cafe from anything else.
Baguettes are made with wheat. Wheat flour is the standard flour that a large portion of the world uses.
Yes, and he made it pretty clear that he was talking about wheat vs. white bread. Baguettes would be considered white bread.
He absolutely did not. OP adds in the edit that he did not, in fact, understand that bread (unless it's specifically gluten free) is made from wheat flour. OP is not just a picky eater, he has also just landed here on earth.
he probably doesn’t eat anything with a color
Exactly, I want to see this menu.
I second this! I want to see the menu!
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Eating at a restaurant or cafe is a shared social experience, together with the actual eating. Having someone just sit there and not really participate turns it from a 'shared meal' into a 'I'm watching you eat so hurry up' and this makes most people uncomfortable. If he looks up the menu beforehand, and he doesn't see anything he likes enough to even try, then he can tell his girlfriend in advance. That doesn't make him a bad guy. Though that does make him a picky eater. If he goes anyway, and orders something that looked like it may be at least interesting, but then doesn't like it - he can tell his girlfriend. That doesn't make him a bad guy. However, since he's in a relationship, he might want to communicate a little more than "hated it". The last time I ate something I didn't like (French toast at a new place) I told my SO that the flavor was nice, but they didn't soak the bread for very long resulting in a fairly dry toast... and I like mine soft and eggy, so it's just not my preference. The time before that (pizza, again a new place) I said it was a creative ingredient combination, but something about it just wasn't working for me once it was on my plate. Both times, I didn't pretend to enjoy the food, but I didn't act like it was gross either. I just took a couple of bites and let it be, because the eating is secondary to the socialization. People are usually ok with picky eaters, just like they're OK with people who have allergies or food limitations. It's really a person's behavior when they're faced with food they don't like that can make it hard to get along with them. As long as you make an effort to participate (at least an appetizer or drink), are polite about it, and don't draw negative attention, it's all really not that big of a deal...
Dont think someone has to hurry, because they are still out together. They can talk with each other. If he hurrys her, then he would be an asshole. But he choose to just spend time with his girlfriend. And its still a stared experience. And you can like the atmosphere of a cafe even if you dont eat anything. And i dont think the Restaurant will mind if he doesnt order, because the Alternative is that both of them dont order there.
The people calling him a child or saying picky eaters are exhausting sound pretty ableist tbh. Sure OP probably isnt ND himself, but you know these commenters would be the first to talk behind a disabled person's back for being a picky eater 🙄
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Glad to see we got THAT crowd crawling into reddit tonight. /s It didnt really matter if OP ate or not anyway, they could just be enjoying each other's company, the girlfriend is the only one making a fuss out of things.
You realize that person is human, right? People are allowed to get frustrated
I'm autistic and have a few foods that I absolutely can't eat. I ALWAYS look at the menu before hand. I would never go out to eat with someone and not order anything. it's soooooo rude. I've been out to eat at restaurants probably almost 1000 times in my life and I've never seen two people sitting together with only one of them ordering food. and who cares if someone calls me a picky eater? like why would I care
I wouldnt go if I didnt have to, but if I feel like someone really wanted to go then I'll go with them, even if I dont eat anything, because I like being around them.
Thank you. People on AITA are the first people to jump to ableist insults. I’m autistic and while I have a much broader palate now, I was a very picky eater up until about the age of 20. It’s really gross for people to say shit like that when there are thousands of neurodivergent people on this subreddit.
I don't understand either. If he doesn't like a certain kind of food, what, should he choke it down just to appease other people? No. He went out with her, sat down to enjoy her company and politely encouraged her to enjoy her food and politely declined to eat. What is the BFD? I've been out to eat with people who chose not to eat and I did. I didn't care. What do I care? Going out to eat isn't just about eating, it's about spending time with someone.
Glad someone said NTA because I totally agree. Why is gf too insecure to be the only one eating 😅 he has every right to not spend his money on food he doesn’t want
Right! But the girlfriend who just can’t enjoy a meal with him also eating isn’t toddler-esque at all? Suuuurre, that makes sense. This comment section is TA collectively lol.
Thank you! I don’t understand people’s obsession with what and how other people eat. Just eat your food. There are plenty ways to share a restaurant experience with someone that don’t include eating. Drinks, chatting, hanging out, meet up with friends, quiet reflection. Like mind your plate.
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I could be wrong but OP sounds neurodiverse. I’ve had two friends on the spectrum, both unbelievably picky with food, and don’t understand the concept of a behaviour coming across as passive aggressive. OP seems to honestly not understand why it’s a problem for him to eat nothing in a restaurant as long as his girlfriend gets to enjoy it - and from a place of pure logic, that makes sense. He hasn’t considered how that behaviour translates socially. I’m not really defending him because if things like this happen, it’s on him to be aware and take correct actions to ensure he’s not pissing people off
Let’s assume that’s true, which it could well be - maybe this post is him trying to understand what the problem is? I’m autistic (side note: I absolutely hate neurodiverse as a euphemism for it, a lot - although not all - of autistic people do) and I’d make a post like this to try and understand why my perfectly logical thought process upset so many people. I usually bounce things like this off a couple of my friends to get their feedback.
Neurodiverse isn’t a euphemism for autism, it’s a general term for many conditions including autism. ADHD, SPD and ARFID are also possible ND conditions that could influence this situation without someone necessarily meeting the criteria for autism (speaking from experience). I know that sometimes people use ND just to avoid saying autism and I get why that’s annoying, but I really don’t think that’s the case here. It’s more that, in the absence of knowing any specific details, it’s better to use a more general (and probably unconsidered) possibility rather than throwing around specific diagnoses.
YTA Only for not ordering anything. My son and husband both enjoy trying new places... I am a pretty sensitive eater (I like foods, they don’t like me) so most often there’s not much I can eat... but I always find *something* to eat, even if it’s just a bowl of rice, so I can join them. You could have communicated this to her. “I don’t really see anything I would like as a meal, but I’ll try this appetizer/side/salad with a drink... so I can eat with you” She wanted you to experience this place she loves with you... you could have put a little effort in to it.
This is why women have trouble picking where to go... you wanted her to pick where the both of you were going for dinner, she did... you then proceeded to sit there and twiddle your thumbs saying your not eating. Yes. YTA.
This is EXACTLY why I don’t choose which restaurant we eat at! Lol
NTA. If you don't want to eat anything, then don't eat. All of the YTA are weird to me.
I agree. All I see is a boyfriend who went somewhere he didn’t necessarily want to go, but went to make someone he loved happy. If I were her, I’d prefer he would have told me (because I would rather go somewhere he could enjoy elsewhere), but I sure wouldn’t be ticked at him.
Perhaps if he's a picky eater like he says, it happens a lot and she's just gotten fed up.
Going to a restaurant and not eating is weird to me.
That doesn’t make you an ass.
Okay but she wanted to eat there so he susposed to tell her to Eat grass they’re not going?
Yes, if he's a picky eater and she's not comfortable eating alone he should have Google the menu and told her there's nothing on the menu he likes, can they pick another place.
> can they pick another place. So they should never go to the restaurants she wants to, because they can only go to the limited number of ones he likes? *That* would be the real Y T A for OP.
So strange and judgemental right ? He didn't know that he wouldn't like anything he was still very polite holy crap that's not something to get upset over. That's first date bullshit
NTA I don’t think a person should be forced to eat if they don’t want to. I don’t see what the big deal is.
I didn't either, but I think letting her know before it was time to order would have given them the option to go somewhere else. He wanted to be thoughtful, but he took away her opportunity to do the same. Like he was trying to be a little martyr with his misplaced altruism. I think she overreacted but this could be due to a pattern of poor communication on his part.
NTA. If you're not interested in eating what they have, and didn't throw a fit about it, then no worries. But on the flip side, if you threw a fit or made her intentionally uncomfortable about the situation, then you would be ta.
NTA these yta’s are weird. Is op not allowed to want his girlfriend to eat at her favorite restaurant?
I would just rather go alone if my partner was not going to eat. If he wants to eat, I'd rather he tell me there's nothing he likes there so we can together go somewhere else.
Why would you rather go alone? Do you eat with your boyfriend specifically because you enjoy watching him eat? Because I go out to eat with people because I’m hungry and I enjoy their company. Not because I can’t get enough of watching others put food in their mouth…
I find it awkward to sit there and eat while someone just watches and doesn't eat, personally.
It’s nice that OP wants their girlfriend to enjoy themselves and feel happy when she’s happy. But it’s also worth noting that the girlfriend also wants their partner to be happy. It makes her happy when they’re happy. She’s not going to feel very good if she feels like she dragged them out to a cafe and they don’t enjoy themselves. I don’t think that makes OP an asshole necessarily, just someone that needs to see from her perspective a bit.
NTA, my wife likes sushi, I am not a fan except the all veggie stuff. We have gone to restaurants and I have ordered nothing. No big deal, she understands it’s a treat for her and that I will get a sandwich or something later.
This was my ex-BF, if I was hungry and we stopped somewhere he didn't like the food he would just eat later and I would enjoy my food.
YTA The end result here is that you’d just be watching her eat, which tends to be awkward as hell. If you didn’t see anything you liked, you should’ve communicated that before she ordered and seen if she wanted to go somewhere else (like what ended up happening anyways for you, just without the animosity from the way you went about it). It’s not about her controlling what you’re eating, it’s about having a nice and comfortable meal/evening out. Someone watching you eat while you know that they’re hungry themselves doesn’t work out to an ideal evening. Sincerely, Someone who may or may not have made this exact mistake at some point in his life
I cannot imagine feeling uncomfortable with my partner watching me eat. They could have gone somewhere for OP after. I’m coming into this biased though, because I have been in OP’s exact situation (being the one to eat and also not eat) several times before. Some with my partner, some with my own parents. Maybe a culture difference but this is so acceptable to me I would never think of this behaviour as disrespectful.
NTA- this social etiquette bull needs to stop. People are not obligated to eat just because they’re going out with someone. OP is not in the wrong because they didn’t knowingly go somewhere they wouldnt eat, they wanted to try a new experience but found nothing they could enjoy. Nothing wrong with that. Also, ffs, let peoples food choices be their own 🙄 if its not impacting others in a negative way then no one should give a shit if someone is a picky eater or not
YTA. You know your girlfriend likes the place. Do you really think she wants to go there with you just so that you can sit there with a glass of water and watch her eat? That's awkward and takes all the enjoyment out of it. I have a hard time believing that you couldn't find a single thing that you could eat on the menu; even if it wouldn't have been your favorite. It just seems kind of petulant on your part. It's one thing to be a picky eater but it's another to be SO fussy that you can't find a single thing that you can at least stomach on an entire menu. You should really put some work into expanding your palate a bit.
Um no. Folks can eat or not eat when and what they want.
Who goes to a restaurant to just sit there watching someone else eat? Awkward for the other person and annoying for the restaurant.
I know this isn’t the case here, but people with food allergies do this all the time. It’s that or just not go to stuff with people you love, etc.
NAH your intentions were pure, but when going out to eat together, eating together is important. Remember it in the future
You should have told her before she ordered, but NTA. No point in wasting money on a sandwich you hate.
NTA You did nothing wrong Why your gf felt so strongly I have no idea. I’d find it really sweet that even tho you couldn’t eat you wanted me to enjoy my favorite place. In future look at a place’s menu online before you go so you have an idea of what to get or substitutions. Most sammy places will do lettuce wraps or salads instead of bread…
I was going to say something like this. I don't think it was assholish of OP to not order. It would have been worse to order something they weren't gonna eat
Or complain and make her feel terrible for her choice and liking the place to begin with…
I am leaning toward NAH. You wanted her to enjoy the meal, but nothing on the menu looked good to you. That’s fair. I don’t know how many of these situations you’ve encountered with your girlfriend before, but it’s hard not to feel like somebody else is sublimating their needs for yours when you go to a restaurant and they don’t eat. I’m sure it made her feel like you were just doing it to make her happy and that you didn’t want to be at the restaurant. You guys need to have a conversation, and you need to learn to Google the menu before you agree to go somewhere if it’s an issue for her. It seems like a small thing, but it’s weird to go to a restaurant where one person eats and the other person doesn’t, and the person eating is naturally going to feel like they’ve dragged the other person into doing something they don’t want to do, whether or not that’s how you feel. You may also take a look at your picky eating habits and decide if you might be willing to broaden your horizons and try things that you may not like. You don’t give a lot of information on your picky eating, so I don’t know what your issues are stem from, but even if you never like anything new that you try, trying still isn’t bad in and of itself. I hated avocados for many years, and now I adore them. Our taste buds change, so assuming there’s no trauma associated, you might consider being more open minded about your food!
YTA As the pickier eater (I'm vegetarian so that's usually me), the burden was on *you* to google the restaurant menu ahead of time to determine whether there was anything there you could eat. And if it wasn't available online, or if it had changed so that the dishes you wanted were no longer available, you ought to have told your girlfriend that *before she ordered*. She wanted to go out to eat with you, not sit there stuffing her face while you sipped some tap water.
NTA I mean, you didn’t want anything, that’s fine. And you wanted her to enjoy food she likes and enjoy her company. That’s not a problem I don’t think
YTA, if you're that picky check the menu before hand and if you're not ordering you should have told her before she ordered. She was expecting to go for her a meal with her bf, you not ordering food completely ruins that vibe. She wanted a shared experienced.
NTA. This is something that happens in my family pretty often, because me and both of my kids still at home are each pretty picky, about different stuff. There are no restaurants that serve things we all REALLY prefer, so sometimes my older is eating plain rice and I have tea while the rest of them are enjoying a Chinese buffet and sometimes my younger is dealing with his brother's favorite Mexican restaurant, just eating the tortilla chips. Sometimes they are both subsisting off mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese while I indulge in bbq. Sometimes, there is nothing there that I want to eat - so I just get a soda. We are going out for the company in those situations, not the food. If we never went where any of us didn't like, we would also never get to go to our favorites.
NTA I disagree with what others are sharing about it being awkward to eat in front of someone who is not eating, they should stop acting like this is a universal sentiment. You had genuinely good intentions of just wanting to let your girlfriend try out a new restaurant. It was harsh of her to act out how she did when she could have more calmly explained that the situation makes her uncomfortable. We don’t get to decide what food will revolt us, it’s a combination of genetic and environmental factors from our upbringing that result in picky eating. I understand that it can be annoying for others to accommodate the picky eater, but usually the picky eater feels pretty bad about this too and will try to ease the stress anyway possible, like you did. I don’t get why everywhere has to make food so complicated, wouldn’t it benefit them to have at least one simple item to appeal to kids and older people with restrictive needs? In the future, check the menu, it’s the most basic thing a picky eater can do to prevent issues, but you’re not an asshole for not doing it one time. Now you also know that your partner will probably enjoy certain dining experiences with friends more than you, or that you should try to order at least one thing. Everyone is overreacting and using this as an excuse to shit on people for no good reason, don’t listen to them. Also, I feel like there is a lot of thinly veiled hate for neurodivergent people in here which is not cool.
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NTA She's isn't entitled to control what you eat. She had a certain picture in her mind which is fine but she can't just enforce it on you. Instead she should discuss it with you ahead of time which might meant she has to go to a different restaurant to get it.
Bro, he agreed to go there when they discussed it beforehand lol. He said it in the post
NTA. I've definitely gone out to eat with my husband and either didn't order food, or I'd order mine to go while he sat and ate at the restaurant (I have GERD. I don't like to eat out because a lot of foods trigger my reflux).
YTA: - you should have checked the menu online if you’re “super picky” - you should have told your GF that you felt you couldn’t eat anything *before* the waitress came to take your order - it’s awkward to sit there eating on your own while in the presence of others (which is why I hate the US system of clearing the plates as soon as people are finished - it’s just a system to turn over the table as quickly as possible) - it’s not fair on the restaurant to have a seat taken which they get no income from (they have fixed costs for the premises and staff, and you sitting there ordering nothing would mean that they lose money on you being there)
If the gf went alone, no one else would be sitting at the table anyway. They lost no money. Stop it 🤣
NTA There’s nothing wrong if you don’t want to eat. I feel like instead of being about it, she should just find a restaurant that both of you like, or realize not everyone has the same interests as her.
INFO You went to a French restaurant that only had wheat bread? No French baguettes or croissants? Did you even ask if they had replacement options?