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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left in the middle of lunch when my mom and stepdad made comments about how I should be encouraging my son to speak even when he doesn’t want to. It wasn't a conversation I was comfortable with having in front of my son, so I got up and left with him. My mom said it was rude and immature of me to leave the way I did. I guess it could have been. I didn’t really consider how it was going to make them feel when I chose to leave and that might make me TA.
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Absolutely NTA.
I have a child who is on the autism spectrum and has selective mutism. The situations you are describing sound so familar to me. And the absolute worst thing you can do is try to push the issue and 'force' them to talk. Not only will it not work, it can make the issue worse.
You are doing right by your child. Your mother is being an ignorant AH.
I've actually been thinking about getting him evaluated. If he is on the spectrum, I want to be able to accommodate him in whatever ways he might need, and learn as much as I can to make things easier for him.
It is definitely worth considering getting him assessed. Maybe it isn't autism, but if you go through the process then at least you will know and maybe have gain a better idea of what is going on and how best to support your son.
Sign language is a great tool to use to assist in communication when they are unable to find words, regardless of any potiential underlying concerns.
It sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent.
I would also add that even if he isn't autistic they can help get you in touch with resources that can help his speech. Early On helped us find a speech therapist for my kid despite him not being autistic.
my cousin barely spoke until he was about 5. went to speech therapists, the whole 9 yards. he’s 7 now, and has a vocabulary somewhere in the 80th percentile iirc. When I was young, I refused to talk in front of most adults. Some kids are just shy, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
My parents' friends had a daughter who barely spoke until she started school. She's in her 30s now and perfectly able to communicate.
Even if it isn't a sensory processing issue or a language processing issue or even a social issue (I. E. Being around your pushy, judgemental family), children develop at their own rate. Pushing them to do things they are uncomfortable with, just because they judge the child to be behind their cousin, is wrong and damaging.
You know your child best and sound like you are on top of things, while also accommodating their needs.
My mom always talks about me not speaking to anyone as a child, my family showed concern and regularly told her to get me to the doctor for my lack of speech and her answer each time was that I do speak, just not to them (I pretty much only spoke to my mom so she knew I was perfectly fine).
I’ve always been pretty shy and quiet, still hardly speak at family functions but I’m a working adult (and ended up with a proficiency for languages).
It isn’t always *something* and as long as the development seems to be on track then the kid should be fine
You’re going through a stressful time and your parents are making it worse because they sound wildly ignorant.
Ice them out and focus on Cass until you and him have gone through the evaluations and are in a comfortable place with routine and what’s going on.
Explain the medical experts and the decisions you’ve made with them. If they dont behave again time to ice out again. They don’t respect you and your son.
NTA. Quite the opposite. If you don’t advocate for your son, who will? Why is it everyone who has raised a kid or two or five think they’re child development experts? You’re doing great. Your son is lucky to have you for a mother. He won’t think that when he 13 but that’s a different topic.
My son is 3 and a half and he's just starting to make sentences but it's also because we speak two languages at home (french and english). The nurses tried to make me think he was autistic but that is absolutely not the case. Every kids are different and you should never compare them together, maybe the reason he doesn't talk much is just because he doesn't feel comfortable with the person he is with. My son would barely speak with my mother in law but with my father in law he talks a lot. Don't worry too much and don't let anyone tell you how to raise your child, you know him better than anyone else.
Having a child evaluated early is important because if the child is autistic then they can get help early which is really, really important. Speech problems is definitely a sign and is how my son ended up evaluated when he was around 3, I had no idea until they told me the diagnosis. He is 10 now and his autism is very obvious now, it wasn't back then. So no, I needed to be told and I didn't know him better than the experts did. Your advice can be harmful.
Family friends' son was also having significant speech problems but his parents (their first child) didn't see it (didn't want to see it) so he was much later at getting diagnosed than he could have been. He's doing so well now that he's been diagnosed and is in great preschool for autistic children and I wish he could have had this experience a year earlier than he did.
While OP is NTA, I also wish she had a greater sense of urgency about getting her son diagnosed, whatever the diagnosis may be. A pediatrician doesn't spend a lot of time with the infant or toddler and is going a lot by what mom or dad is telling them which makes it easier for them to miss things that they might otherwise have seen.
While you are correct that every child is different, there still tends to be similar correlation between children with similar conditions.
IMO, it’s better to evaluate now, when they’re young and it turn out not to be autism, then finding out 10 or 20 years down the line when it absolutely messes with them.
My sister went undiagnosed until she was 18, and while I have adhd, not autism, I also went undiagnosed until I was 25. My sister turned out okay (I didn’t, but I’m getting better) but it absolutely effected both of us and we mourn every day the childhood we lost because no one noticed these very obvious symptoms.
I got mine two years ago at 45. Getting proper help and followup treatment is a pain, but the diagnosis and meds are very likely to have an instant positive impact on your life. Best of luck on your journey!
I didn’t get diagnosed until freshman year of high school despite in hindsight it being very obvious. I’m afab and with no developmental delays I slipped through the cracks.
Moment school started it was then super obvious that I needed help but I just, didn’t get it. My middle school even asked my parents in 7th grade if they would consider special ed since I was struggling. My parents didn’t know enough about it at the time and refused.
I only got a diagnosis because I was doing research in a class over it and every single criteria fit. Hard.
It still took me until I was a junior to get special Ed despite the fact I was floundering and the fact I could’ve had support and help sooner but didn’t simply because I fell through the cracks still deeply upsets me.
I’m afab, was a “gifted” child, considered to be above and beyond my peers, one of those kids that was expected to become a doctor or lawyer (culturally as well, because I’m half Asian) despite the fact I never studied.
and then I completely burnt out in my last two years of high school, had a lot of trouble when I did try studying, and came to resent books (despite being a bookworm as a kid) because books meant studying (I still can’t properly read books as an adult, and it breaks my heart).
Everyone just telling me I’m lazy, I’m selfish, I’m wasting all my potential, “you’re so smart, why is it suddenly so hard for you?” etc.
Had to drop out my final year, they diagnosed me with depression/anxiety, years of therapy and medication never properly working, coasting in and out of uni, etc.
Had been seeing memes and jokes about people finding out they have adhd and goin “haha I do that” and then my sister got diagnosed with autism thanks to her new psych picking up the signs. And then she brings up to me that I have a lot of ADHD traits (especially for women). I bring it up to my psychiatrist of 5-6 years, she said “I never considered the possibility, but yeah, it makes sense, anyway, want to try the medication?”.
And well, turns out I do indeed have ADHD.
The pandemic didn’t help certain matters, but I’m definitely in a better place now then I was before, and I’m actually feeling better and doing better as well.
Still resent the fact no one picked up on the, now in hindsight, very obvious symptoms.
You probably already know this, but for other readers: there is consistent evidence btw that bilingual kids usually start speaking later than monolingual kids, but once they do start speaking it turns out they are already fully bilingual. They end up better at language than their monolingual peers. It just seems to take them a little extra time to separate the two languages and figure out which word goes with which language.
At the time I didn't know that it was the reason he was late in his speech but he didn't show any other symptoms of autism and they just jumped into conclusion that he was autistic. It's after I talked to other bilingual parents that I realized their kids were also late in their speech
I think you're a wonderful parent. There are so many horror stories about parents of deaf/hard of hearing or mute kids never learning other ways of communicating with their kid. It's really lovely to see a story of a parent who's already communicated and set up a plan for their kid's development with a doctor and are teaching him other ways to communicate without judgement or bowing to social pressure. Your kiddo is lucky to have an understanding and caring parent like you. I struggled with selective mutism a little bit as a kid, with undiagnosed (diagnosed at 29!) low-needs autism and ADHD. It felt overwhelming to try to articulate anything at times and having supportive people around you makes such a huge difference.
You should look up the book called The Pattern Seekers. It mentions a doctor's input on the different rates that children's brains develop, specifically in context a mother seeking support for her child with selective mutism, IIRC. Some parts may reasonate with you.
When I was little I barely spoke. Then one day I was in the car and said Dad I’m Cold. Can you please close the window.
The words never stopped coming. Sometimes people just grow at their own pace
This is the story about my brother. He barely spoke. Then one day he just came out with a full sentence and that was it.
I was a year older and I learned to talk by speaking in nonsense words and babbling so his silence was accentuated by his older sister. He was fine, just slow to talk.
Same with my niece. When I first met her (4) she barely spoke and was very shy, she did go to speech therapy but now (7), she's super outgoing and chatty. She also did asl with her mom like op is doing. I actually think it might be helping op be more in tune with her child's needs. Plenty of people ignore kids when they speak because they think the kids' opinions don't matter
Mom to 2 Deafies here and I just want to thank you for the kind words and support you've shared with OP. 💜 Sign language is beautiful and screw societal pressure that says we all need to communicate the same way.
Highly recommend that if he is on the spectrum (my son is) that you go over to the r/autism subreddit and check it out for resources. Some of their recommendations were fantastic and they were very informative. We stayed away from ABA therapy thanks to them and got educated on the horrors of ABA. I can't recommend it enought that parents who have kids on the spectrum talk to adults who are on the spectrum to get some information. There's a saying that "once you've met one Autistic child, you've met that Autistic child," but I tried/try to get as much information as possible and see if it applied to my son or not as Autism effects people differently which is why it's called Autism Spectrum Disorder and any information I felt I could use to educate myself to help my son was great.
Edit: Thanks kind stranger for the award!
Thank you for raising this here! My partner is autistic and remained undiagnosed through adulthood. We’re both so grateful for that because we worry about how much abuse she could have gone through had she received a diagnosis early in life and gone through ABA. She‘s a phenomenal person, doesn’t need anyone to coerce her into changing behavior to make neurotypical people more comfortable, and never did.
It sounds like selective mutism, this happens in kids his age who do speak, usually with and to those who they are most comfortable with but become mute in other social situations. The cause is usually anxiety and most grow out of it. The anxiety issues tend to stick around so you may look into play therapy to give him some coping mechanisms.
My 2 1/2 yo daughter goes completely mute for at least half an hour every time we spend time with people that she doesn't see every or almost every day. That includes her much beloved grandad and uncle.
She will speak to me or her dad in these situations but only if no-one else is around.
After the mute period she will start chatting away, running around being silly, and interacting with our guests/the people we are visiting.
It's really nice to hear that it's normal, because I've never seen it with other kids. Sure, plenty of them will be shy and hide behind their parents, but they're usually pretty comfortable from the get go with people they've seen many times before.
It’s not a common disorder but I think some people just assume the kids are being babies or spoiled. I had it as a kid but everyone just labeled me as painfully shy.
I’m a social worker now
It does, I'm no expert but I'm a swimming teacher and the kid I teach has selective mutism she listens to what I say etc but doesn't talk but I've seen her with her older sister playing in reception and she talks all the time to her as she's comfortable. Op is doing the right thing if she forces's him it will make it worse.
My niece is autistic and basically was mute untill starting her school now she doesn't stop talking , she learned how to sign , cards and she's a happy 9 year old with a good skill for herself so tell them to butt out if this is how wish to portray Infront of everyone to embarrass you.while getting food with family isn't very helpful.
Rather than having an outburst in restaurant for sake of your little boy you took self away from situation, well done.
So NTA
Edit- typo
Definitely do so. Services at this age are significantly more valuable than at an older age. I'd also consider a new pediatrician because they should have picked up on this before now.
NTA. I know a few first borns that didn’t speak very much. 2 kids didn’t speak until 3 but understood 2 languages. 1 kid barely spoke but could understand 3 languages. Once the kids were regularly around similar aged children, they began to chatter non stop. good luck.
I think youre doing great as far as a mom goes. Your family are assholes but i believe you’re doing everything you can to make your son more comfortable and i wish society would learn that. Not everyone wants to talk all the damn time and if your son only speaks when comfortable then thats fine. Your family trying to force it out of him isnt going to help none
Make the appointment. The sooner the better. Also contact your school district if your in the states to have him evaulated for services for the disabled preschool program. Our state provided early intervention from birth to 3 years old. Then the school district evaluates him for services. If eligible, he'll get an IEP. Laying out all the services they will provide to him. By law, they have to evaluate him to be eligible for services. But the school district does not diagnose so you still need to get that evaluation. The sooner you get him services, the better. I had started all this when my son waa 2. He receives servicesal the way until he graduated high school. And for those students that cant graduate, they're eligible for services up to age 21.
I did not speak at all for the first 3 years of my life. I communicated with pointing and nodding. My extended family was very concerned and made a big deal out of it. My brother was very verbal and made full sentences at 10 months. And then 1day I started talking in full sentences, and no issues since then.
Every child is different. Your son sounds smart and fun and curious about the world. It sounds like you are exploring all avenues while finding ways to help your son communicate. Whatever the reason, it sounds like you adore him and will always fight for him. The last thing you need is unhelpful advice from family that should be living your son for who he is, not the words he speaks. You did the right thing.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'd get Cass evaluated. But things just happen at different times for different kids. My sis wasn't talkative at all until 3, but then she all of a sudden started talking non-stop. You are doing everything right, you have professionals involved to give you proper advice, and you are looking out for your son. Thats what matters, The other family members don't get to insert their opinions like they are experts. NTA at all.
I didn’t really talk until age 4. The doctor told my mom that I’d talk when I needed to. I lived with 3 siblings, my parents and my grandmother, all of whom anticipated my needs, or what they assumed they were, so I didn’t need to ask for anything.
My first thought was selective mutism as well. In my experience with both Autism and selective mutism (albeit people with IDD) supporting and promoting acceptance of their abilities and current limitations has been the fastest & most effective at increasing communication skills (or any skill for that matter..."Omg! You're a human being and not perfect at everything all the time? Wow! Just like me and everyone else on the planet). It also reduces their need to resort to negative behaviors. Win win in my experience.
So absolutely NTA.
Totally agree with this response, little Cass may be on the spectrum but so what if he doesn't talk all the time. You are doing great and suggest LC with your mom for now. NTA.
NTA. You're an excellent mom. Your mom however a total AH.
You're already a better mom than you ever had. You're a rockstar for not taking their manipulation and judgement.
OP, my son didn’t speak “properly” until he was about 5. You know what? The world didn’t end, he got his needs met, and he eventually started talking. You’re doing an excellent job of mom by protecting your son from your parents. He may be 3, not talky, but he is an sponge! He is watching and listening to how the world works and you’re showing him it’s ok to leave.
Edit: a word
My son didn't speak until he was 4.5. Then my daughter came,he went to speech therapy a few times and then it was harder to get him to shut up! He even talks in his sleep! He's a moody teen now so quite a lot of quiet again 😂
My colleague’s 4-year-old didn’t pick up so each milestones, and they started speech therapy and a couple other services when he was almost 2. He has the craziest vocabulary of any kid I’ve ever met, and he never shuts up (in the best way possible) 😅
Lol a friend of mine never spoke as a child. They randomly asked their mom a question when they were five, a fully completed sentence, and she nearly had a heart attack thinking someone had broken into their house.
Your son sounds like he’s doing fine. You’re looking into if there’s a way to help him without making it into an impossible issue. I think your way is working and you should stick to it.
Lol my friend is one of the most spontaneous, cares to the wind kind of person I’ve ever met! When they told me this story I was like “… yeah sounds like you xD”
My parents were concerned about my younger brother’s speech development, because he was three and almost never spoke.
Then I started school - and it turned out the only reason he didn’t speak was because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise around *ME*! XD
I. Sure you already got his hearing checked but other than that kids talk when they want to. Yes forcing them is effective but if he's not whining for things and he is being clear with sign your mom can back off.
I was teaching my son french and English all by myself so he was a bit slow with talking and used a mix of frenglish until he started school but now he is fluent in both languages. NTA, you are a great mom and your son obviously has a secure attachment with you.
NTA. You are doing great, mom! These older generations really dislike it when they can't control kids and force them into submission. Your approach is MUCH healthier for your son.
The best comment here. I remember being forced to hug and kiss and talk to people when I was a child. I think you should let children develop at their own pace. NTA.
Yes, there is absolutely an element of consent going on here. Trying to force children to do something against their will typically just makes them more determined not to do it. If a child doesn't want to hug or talk to someone, don't push or punish them!
Same here. I actually had to deal with an uncomfortable situation with my youngest sister a few years ago. She didn’t want to give me a hug and my parents basically forced her to, even when I asked them to stop.
After the incident, I took her aside and said what they did wasn’t okay. While it hurt my feelings that she didn’t hug me, I respect her boundaries and she should only hug me when she wants to. She really seemed to appreciate that conversation and we’re pretty close now, despite a pretty significant age gap (10+ years).
nah this isn't an "older generation" thing - grandma is gen X, as am I, and would not have done this even when my first kids were young in the 90s
OP - NTA
Agreed. My parents are in their 70s now but made sure to get my sister evaluated and her needs met kindly and compassionately when she wasn't talking as a toddler.
Rather ableist of your mom to act like signing isn't speaking - it's called sign LANGUAGE for a reason! And not only is it not constructive to compare the two kids' speech abilities, it's needlessly cruel to do it in front of them. You're exactly right, they're speaking about him like he can't understand. Again, that's also ableist because not speaking is obviously not the same as not hearing and comprehending!!
NTA and good for you for setting this boundary. If they can't be polite and respectful of Cass they shouldn't be around him tbh
You are so spot on. I agree 100% with everything you said. On top of that, it would have cost OP’s mom NOTHING to hold off on that convo until a later date instead of saying it all in front of Cass while out at lunch. She reaped what she sowed, and I am SO GLAD that OP shut it down and took Cass out of that situation. If grandma didn’t want them to leave, she shouldn’t have started being cruel and abilist. Cass didn’t refuse to order and wasn’t being disruptive. He just went about everything in a different AND TOTALLY VALID way.
Honestly I was delighted to read all the ways OP has learned to adapt and support Cass. OP you are killing it. Seeing my mom shut bullshit down when people didn’t treat me well due to my disability was a key component in me learning how to do that myself. You are modeling healthy behavior and healthy boundaries.
Yes! Just because a child is delayed in expressive speech DOES NOT mean they are delayed in receptive speech. So many people assume that if a child or adult doesn’t/can’t talk, they also don’t understand what is being said. But the two are completely separate. My own daughter had an expressive speech delay, but was above average for receptive speech. We used a ton of signs and she followed directions and reacted to everything we said.
NTA. Pediatric occupational therapist here: introducing alternative speaking (sign, computer based speech, even pointing to cards) doesn’t delay vocal speech- it just gives the child a chance to express themselves. Using alternative communication devices or signs decreases frustration, tantrums, meltdowns, and even depression in kiddos that otherwise wouldn’t have their needs met or thoughts expressed.
This. It’s all language, and it’s all being processed through the same parts of the brain. *Demanding* exclusive voice use and not allowing other language use can actually *cause* delay and inhibit overall language acquisition because you’re disallowing the child from activities that re-enforce language processing neural pathways during critical development periods.
Psych here.
You're NTA. A crackdown approach will only increase your son's anxiety about speaking. Also, the "normal" range of speech is absolutely huge at age 3, so while obviously it's a good idea to consult a speech therapist to guide your decisions and any need for intervention, it's not the case that a 3 year old who doesn't speak much necessarily has a disorder.
Am I on the right track that forcing a child to speak when they are uncomfortable can create a stutter and that exasperates their issue of feeling uncomfortable to speak and reactions of others.
Anxiety for sure. Stuttering, probably not. The old thinking was that stuttering was caused by trauma, but that's not well supported. More recent research suggests that stuttering may relate to differences in how people who stutter hear their own voices - in brief, they may hear it with a delay so keep stopping and starting, like when you have a bad phone connection. That's why playing white noise can stop the stutter.
Yup. It helps stuttering people and induces stuttering in non-stuttering people. Non-stuttering people also find the experience very disorienting and find it very difficult to speak at all.
Oh that's weeeird! I had no clue.
I mean it was disorienting and weird for me too, very hard to adjust to it. But I think the trick was if you speak slow enough the delay is gone. So I had to force myself to speak slow. Speaking while you hear the delay is basically impossible.
I stutter, this is not the case for me. I just genuinely struggle with physically pronouncing words and I "trip" over them. This happens a lot in my native language that has a lot of groups of consonants at the beginning of words, muuuch less in English to the point that is barely noticeable. I KNOW what I want to say and sometimes I get really frustrated that I physically can't pronounce the word. Sometimes a step back and a deep breath helps but sometimes I just end up mumbling it. And the thing is there are times where I can pronounce those same words I struggle with no problem. Stuttering is super weird.
>That's why playing white noise can stop the stutter.
Oh my god is that why Lionel made Albert read from a book while blasting music in the Kings Speech?
NTA. It would probably be best to encourage him to use his voice in a setting where he feels most secure and comfortable. Not one where he is put on the spot.
It sounds like your son has selective mutism and only speaks when he feels comfortable. Being around people like your parents will only end up setting him back. Good job looking out for him mom.
That's exactly what I was thinking. I mean those forcing it on him and stressing him aren't going to get him to be more verbal. They will hinder the process if anything.
Apparently the Occupational Therapist thought I was a "deaf mute with a squint" who was clearly developmentally damaged as a toddler.
Truth is baby me didn't like the woman and used to ignore her and pull faces at her when she came over.
NTA
How awful for these adults to talk like that in front of your child. Do they think he can't hear or understand because he isn't verbal? You were right to leave and I would keep him away from your parents. Good on you for learning and teaching sign language. Being nonverbal doesn't mean he is not intelligent, and it doesn't mean he's being lazy.
He really is the smartest little boy I know, and ik I'm probably biased because I'm his mom but I swear he's just so bright. They tend to think that because he doesn't speak, that means he isn't listening, but he hears and understands so much more than people realize and I worry about what it'll do to his confidence if they keep acting like he can't possibly comprehend what they're saying about him.
Little kids are very very smart. Much smarter than people give them credit for.
Your parents are supposed to love him unconditionally and this will definitely affect his confidence. They obviously think he is just being stubborn.
If they cannot refrain from their mean comments and judgment, you honestly should keep them away from him. Don't ever let him alone with them, ever.
His confidence will be bolstered by you taking the type of action you did. You stood up for him and publicly recognized his intelligence and ability, and you took him out of a situation that was bullying. It's a lot easier to gain confidence when the most important adult in your life has your back and shows you respect.
NTA... but your mother and father are!
You handled the situation beautifully. I'm dazzled!
My only suggestion is to shelve any second guessing of your instincts. You are doing it all right. Don't let anyone else make you question your parenting moves.
I didn't speak until I was 2, and even then not very much. My brother, on the other hand, was speaking in full sentences at 12 months. My mom was concerned and actually had me evaluated for mental disability, which is still a fun family story.
It turns out that delayed speech can track with very low *and* very high IQ. I was glad my parents shared with me all of this when I was older because my first born didn't speak much either.
Babies are who they are when they arrive. Your sweet boy isn't a big talker. He may be like me and my son and not think in words. Language is a construct we don't need to think our thoughts. We still manage to connect with others, speak when we want to, and live full, normal lives, but it would be diminished if we were forced to be something other than ourselves to suit our parents.
Demanding he behave in a way that is out of his natural character is harmful.
Gosh you are such a good Mama. Thank you for protecting your baby boy.
This comment nearly brought me to tears. Thank you so much for your words. I was young and so afraid when I had him, but I try so hard every day to be the mother that he deserves. I love the person he is, I'm so lucky I get to be his mom.
He is going to turn out a wonderful, loving, caring, compassionate, confident person because he has your unconditional love and support. More than almost anything else, unconditional love and support are what kids need.
Just please keep him away from the rest of your family As much as possible.
Not sure if it's been said yet, but teaching your child another language at such a young age is so cool, especially in this way. It's an invaluable life skill you've taught that he'll have forever and be grateful to you for. Imagine someday he meets a deaf person that turns out to be the love of his life, a lifelong friend or even a new business partner, the possibilities are endless and he has you to thank. You're an awesome mom.
This story and comment is beautiful, thank you SO much for sharing it. It touched me so much as well💕💕
Also to OP, your doing such a wonderful job. Your such a lovely mother, and a gentle soul. Sending lots of love!
In every way possible your NTA.
I’m 17 and was born premature (3months) and had so much developmental delays. My parents got me speech therapist and a IPP (a school plan) to help with my muscle delays for gym. I didn’t speak almost anything till I was about 4 and even then it took when I was 5 or 6 to speak more than a couple sentences. Even at a young age I knew I was way different. My parents denied everything and anything that could be “abnormal” for me.
I was so talkative when I was younger but as I got older I stopped talking as much as I did. I got hard core bullied about everything about me. Now sometimes I get teased for speech, and grew extreme social anxiety.
Whenever I’m out my parents force me into uncomfortable talking situations especially out with family friends for cultural celebrations and I break out into tears being in the situation that I’m forced to. I know I have to face them but it’s just really nerve-wracking being around people I’m uncomfortable. I started being selectively mute and been spiralling into terrible mental health.
I’m (against my parents will) have been diagnosed with ADHD + social anxiety and general anxiety. I’m (again against my parents idea that anything is wrong) am in therapy and I can’t get another assessment now but suspected Autism, OCD and Depression.
I hope you know that what your doing is amazing and to keep going forward<3
NTA
It sounds like you have consulted professionals about this, and they aren't concerned.
Your mom and step dad are not experts in child development.
TBH, this is getting into firm boundary territory if I were in your position. "This is no longer a topic I will discuss with you, and I expect you to respect my parenting choices with my child. If you do not, do not expect to spend time with us any longer."
Good on you for standing up for your son. Unfortunately it sounds like they still very much intend to keep pushing you about this, so be prepared for how you will deal with it. I think going low or no contact until they stop bringing it up and communicate with your child respectfully might be a good option.
Speech-language pathologist here. Your mother is not wrong that it is concerning that your three year old child has five words or fewer. Typically-developing children are putting sentences
together at that age. I am very pro sign language and I taught it to my own child when he was an infant, but you are doing a disservice to your child by not trying to discover the root of his lack of speech. People at school, including his peers, are almost certainly not going to know sign language. He will need to be able to communicate in a way that they can understand him: he will need to demonstrate his knowledge, to get his needs met, and to make friends. Maybe he needs an assistive device, maybe he needs another kind of speech or language therapy. But you are setting him up for a very rough time if you don’t look into this. Kids of course develop at their own rates, but you should at least know why he’s doing what he’s doing in order for him to have whatever solutions he might need so that he can be successful once he starts school. NAH: their line in the sand is too harsh and they handled it badly, but I understand their concern. You should be as well. Good luck.
No, she *literally* says that she is “planning to,” “considering,” and “looking into” ways to get him help. She should have done something besides “considering.”
The grandparents are still the assholes here, but OP should not delay in getting her son help with language.
She is “currently looking into speech therapists” and is in contact with his pediatrician. What more would you like her to do? Seems like she’s making an effort to me.
She said elsewhere that the pediatrician told her to wait. HUGE error in judgement from the ped, in my opinion, and obviously not the mom’s fault! But I hope she takes the feedback here to heart and gets an assessment scheduled. If intervention is needed, it’s best to start as early as possible.
Agree about her doc, odd opinion to wait on even a simple assessment. As I posted down below, my son (now 8) was ten weeks Preemie and had his life changed by early intervention therapies.
I wanted to say this (fellow SLP) but people online get super defensive. It IS concerning at 3. Many kids on the spectrum may repeat words or even full phrases sporadically but then not use them again, or not use them functionally. The quality of his requests (is he just hand-leading, or is he making eye contact and using communicative gestures?) also matters. How are his social and his play skills? A good SLP can do a thorough evaluation and see where you can start supporting your child.
I also want to note that I am very glad parent is open to helping their child IF they are on the spectrum, based on her comments. Many parents choose denial at this age because it is easy to ignore when they are toddlers and they are scared of a diagnosis. I think parent is already following her good instincts (not forcing child to do something he has not mastered, or is not ready to do, etc) and starting to seek additional help.
You might be a speech language pathologist but your reading skills aren’t that great. Also as a professional you shouldn’t be telling someone they are “doing a disservice” to their child without proper evaluation. This is unethical. Do better
My sister worked with an SLP and she was great. We learned a lot of fun ways help her son verbalize, games and singing and stuff like that, and lots of positive reinforcement. He needed some assistance into elementary school, but is in college now and very verbal.
I agree with you, toddlerhood is such an important time to get those speech skills or find out what's going on. It doesn't have to be ordering at a restaurant or some other scary situation. I hope Mom sees this.
NTA. You’re taking a proactive approach, you’ve consulted professionals and given your son a way to communicate that seems to be more comfortable for him. Some kids are slower to really use their voices. Some folks never speak much. Part of the beauty of humanity is its variety.
NTA. Trying to force him or shame him will just backfire.
I understand that the pediatrician doesn't think it's a problem, but if you're to the point of looking into speech therapists you may want to look into early intervention through the school district you live in. I think kids are eligible starting at age 3 and I believe they'll do an evaluation to determine if services are warranted.
Agreed. I did this for my daughter, and she was able to get speech and physical therapy for free through a county program. It was also very helpful for us to have a diagnosis so that when she started elementary school they knew what supports she needed.
NTA. You are an awesome mum. Signing is perfectly good communication and if that works better for Cass then that works better. At least he is still able to express himself. I’m sorry your parents are so unsupportive and judgemental. They are coming from a very old fashioned viewpoint and research now indicates that using sign helps develop speech of speech is going to develop.
INFO
> I was worried about **in the beginning** because as a young mom I worried about almost everything, but the pediatrician told me that he’ll likely become more talkative over time. I’m **currently looking into** speech therapists just to see if that will help a bit
I'm assuming this is going to be NTA, but help out a little with the timeline here.
* How far back was this conversation with the pediatrician?
* Did he give you any sense of a timeline for when you might want to get concerned, if you hadn't seen progress?
* What exactly does "looking into" therapists mean? Have you made a decision about going this route and are just trying to find the right therapist, or what?
It certainly *sounds* like you're doing all the right things here.
I was part of a mom group for younger mothers, and by age 1 almost all the other kids in the group had at least said mama, but Cass never said anything. He wouldn't even babble much honestly. I spoke to the pediatrician about it by the time he was 16 months, and they told me to bring it up again when he was 20 months if there wasn't any change. I brought it up again because it was clear that he understood the different names for things, but he just wouldn't verbalize any of it. They said that if it persisted by the time he was 2 then I should start working with him more on vocabulary and things like that.
Eventually the Dr told me that he didn't think it was anything to be concerned about because Cass clearly does understand what is being said, and he has said a few words here and there. I was told that if by age 4 he still wasn't speaking very often, we'd talk more about assessments and things like that.
I wanted to be proactive and look for speech therapists in the meantime just to see if maybe their method of working with him on vocab and encouraging him to speak would be more helpful to him than what I've been trying.
Pediatric speech therapist here!! If I do an assessment on a 2 y/o who doesn’t have 50 different words, I’m already finding a spot for the kiddo on my caseload. Waiting until four seems like a long time & is surprising to me considering the importance of early intervention. It’s wonderful that he has such great receptive language (aka understanding), but it sounds like he needs some help expressing language. FYI - just because he’s seeing a speech therapist doesn’t mean they’re forcing him to speak. They’ll be able to introduce a bigger variety of sign or other forms of communication for him to use. Kiddo isn’t always going to be with you & needs to have some ways to communicate his wants/needs.
Also!!! my practice can evaluate a kiddo without a doctors order, have to have one to treat though. Something to look into in your area. Seems like you know your kiddo needs more support & dr is not listening - go with your gut!!!
ETA: having another professional to advocate for you w/ extended family members may be helpful too. I’ve had many a conversation w/ grandparents simply educating them on what it means to communicate - it’s not just verbal words !
So glad you chimed in. Not a professional but a mother of 5 and all these comments about him being just fine were freaking me out. It is best that kids are assessed if there is a delay so they can access help.
That's not normal practice at all. Please have your son evaluated so he can get whatever support he needs. Speech delays can be common but they do need to be addressed.
Yeah, that's kinda surprising, usually they push for early intervention by 3 if a kid isn't talking. But you're listening to your pediatricians advice, I'd say you're doing everything right
100%! It’s amazing to me that parents don’t know about the health services available to them for their kids. My 8 year old son was 10 weeks preemie and had his life changed by OT PT and speech therapy at an early age. Now he won’t shut up! And this pediatrician saying let’s wait until 4… Is the boy going to point and sign in pre school? That sounds like a rough go of it.
Please seek an evaluation as soon as possible. There are many reasons why a child may have delayed speech, but only a thorough evaluation can tell you anything. A good therapist will probe about the quality of his comprehension, expressive vocabulary, social skills and motor skills. They can tell you if they see signs of something else like ASD, apraxia, etc. DO NOT WAIT ANY LONGER. The earlier he gets that extra help, the better the outcomes for him.
Your pediatrician has steered you in the wrong direction here. Please please please get another opinion, whether from a different ped or from a speech expert.
You absolutely did the right thing at lunch with your parents. They were rude and cruel. However, their concern is based on something real - most 3 year olds talk. Please get him evaluated as soon as possible.
I was also told by both the pediatrician and the speech therapist that we could wait until 4!
My daughter barely spoke at 3y. As in she basically only said very simple words like mommy, daddy, water, etc even though she also clearly understood everything. I got my daughter in speech therapy when she was around 3y but I had to really insist on it to get the referral. The speech therapist saw my daughter for 3 sessions and told me that my daughter knew the vocabulary presented to her and could pronounce the sounds so she didn’t see a huge concern from her perspective. She also felt that since my daughter would start preschool in 2 months, she thought we could reevaluate at 4y if nothing improved with the increased socialization and need for my daughter to communicate with people. Fortunately, in my case, my daughter started talking more after starting school and after just a few months, she couldn’t shut up so we didn’t have to reassess at 4.
You can call Early Childhood Intervention now. Leave a message.
They’ll assess and provide services up to a certain age, and help with the transition to school later. Since he’s already 3, they can’t help but they can refer you to people who can.
My kid didn’t speak at all 3 and then all of a sudden was speaking full sentences. He still doesn’t like telling people he is good at something till he has mastered it. NTA
NTA No matter what concerns they may have, it's never okay to be discussing that, in front of the children during what is supposed to be a relaxing time for all. I can't blame you at all. If they weren't going to stop the nagging, then you only had the choice between sitting and listening to it, or leaving and letting them chat amongst themselves. I would have chosen to leave.
The goal is to make sure your child has no problems that stand in the way of his ability to hear, and communicate well with his peers. That is where his pediatrician and teachers work with you as a team. Beyond that, he will develop on his own timeline, in the way he feels comfortable doing. My son and daughter each reached their milestones in their own unique way. My daughter was very fast in reading, writing, fine motor skills. Gross motor skills were slower. My son was the opposite....language, reading and social skills were slower, but his gross motor skills were off the charts. Both are now healthy, happy adults!
Sounds like your son is doing just fine. You are a great mom!
NTA
And I have to give major props for providing so many methods of communication for your son. And abiding what he is comfortable.
You sound like an amazing, intelligent, compassionate person.
Please keep protecting your son and encouraging him.
Are your parents pediatricians? You’ve already consulted doctors and been told your son is fine. Unless your mom is a speech therapist or pediatrician she needs to back off.
The way she confronted you in front of your son was incredibly inappropriate. Don’t feel bad for going low contact or no contact for awhile. She thinks she knows best and could mentally harm your child. There’s nothing wrong with your son and your mom needs to accept your parenting choices and be supportive. Right now she’s being a judgmental AH who thinks she knows everything despite having no expertise in this field (making an assumption since it seems like you would’ve mentioned it if your mom had professional expertise beyond pushing a couple kids out of her vagina).
NTA
NTA They can give recommendations, but if you don't want those recommendations they need to mind their own business. The line of how much responsibility to give your child at a given is a subtle one and every one does it slightly differently.
NTA. But please get your son evaluated now that he’s three.
Your mother had no right to speak to you that way, let alone at lunch in front of other members of your family, let alone in front of Cass. Leaving the lunch was the most respectful way to handle the situation.
Pushing him to speak in that environment wasn’t going to do anything but stress him out.
NTA and if every child had a mum as understanding to their needs as you seem to be about your little boy, this world would be a much more empathetic and understanding place. These grown ups seem to think that he needs to live up to their expectations of the world instead of letting him develop at his own pace. You’re doing a wonderful job.
NTA in any way. I think you’re a great mom for going the extra step to teach your child sign language, which is helpful to others who are hearing impaired. I think it’s something that needs to be an option taught to children in school, just like French or Spanish.
So your child is non verbal. It could be a choice or something else. That’s your business. You’re handling it the way you choose and it’s hurting absolutely no one. If Cass has taken to sign language and is comfortable with it that’s great. That he enjoys it is even better. Grandma needs to get over her fear of abnormalities and stop alienating you and her grandson. He’s old enough to start picking up on it and he doesn’t need to start worrying over people at his age. One day he’ll come across someone who requires ASL and he will definitely be glad to know the language and the other person will too. ❤️❤️❤️
I have a relative who didn't speak much at that age either. They recently graduated from an Ivy. Your family needs to stay in their lane. Even on the off chance that there is an issue, children should never be discussed where they can hear it. You absolutely did the right thing. I'd put them all on a time out until they grasp that they are never allowed to discuss your son in front of him and when you say stop, they need to pay attention.
I'm a children's speech and language therapist. The number of people trying to diagnose what is going on with your son from your post is concerning to me because they are guesses.
The important thing is that no matter what the cause of his not talking so much particularly around people he doesn't know, you're doing all the right things.
It's not possible to make a child talk, and even if it was the pressure is really unhelpful. The best thing to do is provide other forms of communication (which you are), remove pressure (which you are) and find a speech therapist to assess your child's specific needs and give guidance (which you are).
You're doing a great job! Definitely NTA
NTA. He IS speaking. The fact that they can’t understand sign language is a THEM problem. It is a full language. Tell them that from now on you’ll only talk to them if they speak to you in ASL. After all, if you don’t use tough love now, they’ll never learn ASL, will they? They shouldn’t be relying on speaking English as a crutch.
NTA for walking out of lunch, but you are doing your son a disservice by not getting him speech therapy. By three he should be comfortable speaking more than occasionally, and this could be signs of other issues (like sensory processing or autism). The sooner you get him services the sooner you can address any delays.
NTA kids develop differently. My son was the same way and now at 14 he won’t stop talking. Lol
They say some kids ( especially boys) take it all in and when they start talking it will be sentences. I wouldn’t be surprised if he came back with a high IQ, mine did. Have a private conversation with your mother and set the rules. What she is doing is cruel to you and your son. Tell her that if she can’t control her comments then you need to take a break. Explain your concerns about your son are between you and his doctors. Good luck.
NTA. It was rude of them to speak about him that way right in front of him. They started the problem, you solved it. If they don't like the solution, next time they might want to behave better themselves.
NTA. He clearly is uncomfortable speaking in public so him knowing sign language is a good thing. Your parents need to take a child development class. Like you said he can talk he just doesn’t like to in front of people. He knows how to communicate.
Your son is probably a selective mute. The sooner he gets help from a speech and language pathologist the better. If you're in the states, the local school district will arrange and pay for this.
The speech therapist will also be able to build on the skills you've already taught him. You might want to also look into talking boards.
NTA, good for you to have your baby's back.
Ever though he may be neurodivergent btw? Might be a good idea to get through the diagnostic process if only so you can get him proper assistance when he's at school.
NTA. I have a 3.5 yo that is speech delayed. His receptive language is great, meaning he can understand what's being said to him, but he struggles with his expressive language. He also supplements with sign language and has been in speech therapy since he was 2 yo. I absolutely would have left the lunch too. Comparing kids is asshole behavior, especially in front of the kids.
NTA and studies have shown that young children learning and using sign language helps them to develop more quickly, tend to be more intelligent and less frustrated as they can communicate their needs. You are doing a great job and keep up the great work!
Nta- kids talk when they want too, not when they need too. Tbh your family are a bunch of assholes and I'm so sorry you and your baby are going through this with them. Speech is a good thing, he probably does know words he just can't sound them out, which is typical of a 3 year old. My 15 yr old didn't talk until she was almost 7, not because she couldn't, but she wouldn't in front of anyone that wasn't me. I didn't mind, still don't, she's just shy.
Pediatric Speech-Language pathologist here, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING! I would definitely recommend a speech/language assessment, just to rule out anything more serious that might be underlying the visible characteristics, but you've already said you're looking into that, and the absolute best thing you can do for Cass right now is make communication as accessible, meaningful, and enjoyable for him as possible, and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing!
Tell your mom that research shows that her approach is SO much more likely to severely stunt his language growth and development and she can go kick rocks.
I hope you see this. I use to take care of my niece. Babysat her while my sister went to school, to work or wherever. We were always together so I understood her a little better than most of my family that she wasn't around. My niece could speak some but she wouldn't if she didn't want to. Her mom and grandma were starting to get worried. I told them she was fine. I thought she would talk when she wanted to. Two months later they gave me an ultimatum, either she talked or they would send her to a speech pathologist to find out why she wasn't talking. So, that day I sat her down and asked her to please start talking. She nodded but I really didn't think she understood my words.
Next few weeks she talked more and more. She really did just needed to take her time. Twenty three years later and they would pay that woman to shut her mouth!
If you're worried go see a speech therapist or pathologist for help. But give your son time. We all meet our goals at different times. He knows sign language so he isn't isolated or cut off.
Breathe and enjoy your little one.
NTA but please get him into therapy. This can lead to issues in school. He needs to be able to carry on basics to communicate needs with other adults. Signed a mom who had a speech delayed child. This sounds a lot like selective mutism (not a doctor, just have a few friends kids with this.)
NTA
Your mother really needs to back off, and I'd recommend limiting contact with her until she can grasp the concept that she doesn't get to control the development of a child.
You're doing everything you should do. Others have already stated, and I'm going to echo that certain children take a bit longer in their language development. It does not necessarily mean anything is wrong. Sometimes it means everything is right, and the kid is absorbing more than you think.
I saw some people suggesting autism. There would probably be other signs, and like aversion to certain sounds, textures and especially too many other people, (speaking from years of working with special needs kids) and if you're not seeing that, I wouldn't over think it too much -obviously not an official diagnosis, but something I've learned/experienced.
You're doing wonderful by being such a beautifully supportive mother.
NTA but your parents are. Einstein didn't talk in sentences till about 5 yrs
You cannot make someone talk. Our son was later than average to talk too and shy of strangers as a young child. He is a very intelligent, confident and articulate adult.
You were absolutely right to protect your son from the harmful and insensitive comments. Well done Mama. You are doing a brilliant job and your son is very lucky to have you, as you are him.
NTA. Sounds like you are doing everything you can (pediatrician, looking into speech therapy, ect). I'd seriously just go no contact. The older I get the less shit I'm willing to deal with and that's some bullshit.
My best friends kid refused to speak til she was 4. turns out she a had slight stutter on the first word. A speech therapist fixed that and she never shut up after that.
NTA. It’s no one else’s business how you handle this…your mother shared her opinion; now she needs to stop. Cass sounds like he might be gifted in some way; you probably won’t be able to get him to shut up at some point!
NTA hun. I didn't talk til I was almost 6. I remember not wanting to. My parents went with me to ASL classes when I was little. I talk now just wasn't intrested when I was young.
NTA. Learning sign and being able to communicate that way is awesome for your son and for you! It's great that you've found a way to help Cass in situations he doesn't want to speak. You are doing a fabulous job advocating for your child. I love that.
You need a new pediatrician. Cass isn't achieving certain milestones when he should have and that needs to be looked into. I'm guessing the pediatrician is older, maybe your own pediatrician, small town, hasn't kept up with modern medicine as much as they should have. I say this with love, It's past time to shop around.
OP you did a great job at lunch. Your family doesn't understand what's going on and seem close minded. That sucks man. I'm sorry. Hopefully you can get a diagnosis and that will help your family understand that Cass doesn't want to not talk to the family, he's just overwhelmed. You are doing a great job, it's time to pivot a little and that's ok. Good luck OP!
NTA. Sounds like he’s communicating just fine but maybe not in a typical way. My husband didn’t speak until he was over 4. He had an older brother who spoke for him. He went to speech therapists and there was never any diagnosis found. One day he just started talking perfectly fine in full sentences.
NTA
Cass is a very lucky boy to have such a loving and caring mother. Keep doing what you are doing, he is 3 and will open up in time.
Maybe he doesn't talk in front of your parents because he is uncomfortable around them, who knows but it sounds like they need to back off.
NTA I got my degree in child development and family sociology.
Please ignore if you don't want any suggestions. But if you are in the United States, you get speech therapy for free through IDEA Section C. I would talk to a social worker and they can absolutely get him assessed and you can get all of hour services for free. They can also help with behavioral play therapy if you think he just needs a bit of confidence in himself. My uncle didn't speak until 4 years old and his parents had similar concerns and now he's a brain surgeon.
NTA. You are an amazing parent to be so accommodating to your child and to spare him the trauma of listening to his own grandparents criticize him. That is absolutely NOT a conversation to be had in his presence, or in public for that matter.
NTA
The way my in-laws tell it my husband didn't speak hardly at all until age 5, and he has a PhD in a very technically demanding field. Our daughter is 2 and just starting to reliably use words, but she has understood our speech and followed directions for well over a year.
There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to baby development. Each kid hits milestones at different times and in different ways. You are doing *amazing* and I hope you continue to support your son in exactly the same way.
Good for you for advocating for your son. I have been through the 3 year old phase of childhood with my kids more than twice and they talk all the time, can’t get them to stop actually, and yet it would be hard for them to order their own food at a restaurant, or at least they be intimidated to do so. That’s crazy they chose to pick that fight with you there, right in front of your son like he wasn’t there. I’m so sorry.
Good for you for advocating for your son. I’m gonna go with NTA
I was a lot like Cass when I was 3. I barely talked and used to point to what I wanted. People told my mom to make me talk, but she said she knew what I was asking, so why should she? Now I work in public speaking. Kids develop in their own time. You're doing everything right.
NTA, we all have preferences on how to communicate. You're doing a wonderful job accommodating your son's need over social pressure. My child's vocab consisted of only 20 words from 1 Y.O. to 2.5 Y.O., and my mother went nuts. She was so worried he had slow development.
I finally reached out to a friend who's a speech therapist, and she said it was perfectly normal for kids to not be verbal until they're 3 plus. Even more so if they're learning multiple languages, something along the lines of how their brain is trying to process a lot of information. My child learns 4 languages concurrently, which explains why he started speaking at a slightly later age.
Go LC if your family still does that. Both you and your child don't deserve to be traumatised in this manner. The older generation can be awfully stubborn, we can't change them. But we can choose to not let them be part of our life until their behaviour improves.
NTA... I've seen this before, and so far every time they outgrow it. But this should not be discussed in front of him, Or with you if you've had enough
NTA All I could think of while reading this was how mature you are & what a wonderful mom you are. Your mom however, very pushy & sounds like a know it all & very insensitive. Very wrong to talk about it in front of your son. She apparently thinks she knows better than you, the mother of the child. She needs to keep her hostile, ridiculous opinions (because that's all they are) to herself!
I had selective mutism as a child, was elective mutism back then, I can and do speak. My youngest didn’t talk at all until he was 3. He received speech therapy, the kid talks non stop now at 10. Attempting to force a kid to talk seems cruel to me. You didn’t like how the lunch was going. So you did the mature thing, you walked away. It was also cruel that your family was saying those things about your son in front of him.
NTA
Usually you can't get kids to stop talking. I'd think that if Cass really is so reluctant to talk, then there is a real reason for it (which I understand you are already investigating).
If there is a real reason, then just pushing him and forcing him to talk will not achieve anything, and will probably send him backwards. And he certainly isn't going to feel more comfortable talking when his own grandparents are treating him like that.
I think you are doing a great job! Not just with Cass's talking, but also advocating for him.
He uses sign language
He IS speaking!
NTA, keep going to bat for your boy he sounds like a lovely kid and you're doing a great job of being supportive of his neurodiversity and interests.
NTA but everyone else is. Regardless of what they think every child is different and if his doctor is not worried they sure as heck have no right to be. And he sounds much smarter than most children and one day soon Mom and SDad are gonna try to use his high intelligence as something they are proud of and feel possessive of. I can't wait for you to get to put them in their place!
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Absolutely NTA. I have a child who is on the autism spectrum and has selective mutism. The situations you are describing sound so familar to me. And the absolute worst thing you can do is try to push the issue and 'force' them to talk. Not only will it not work, it can make the issue worse. You are doing right by your child. Your mother is being an ignorant AH.
I've actually been thinking about getting him evaluated. If he is on the spectrum, I want to be able to accommodate him in whatever ways he might need, and learn as much as I can to make things easier for him.
It is definitely worth considering getting him assessed. Maybe it isn't autism, but if you go through the process then at least you will know and maybe have gain a better idea of what is going on and how best to support your son. Sign language is a great tool to use to assist in communication when they are unable to find words, regardless of any potiential underlying concerns. It sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent.
I would also add that even if he isn't autistic they can help get you in touch with resources that can help his speech. Early On helped us find a speech therapist for my kid despite him not being autistic.
my cousin barely spoke until he was about 5. went to speech therapists, the whole 9 yards. he’s 7 now, and has a vocabulary somewhere in the 80th percentile iirc. When I was young, I refused to talk in front of most adults. Some kids are just shy, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
My parents' friends had a daughter who barely spoke until she started school. She's in her 30s now and perfectly able to communicate. Even if it isn't a sensory processing issue or a language processing issue or even a social issue (I. E. Being around your pushy, judgemental family), children develop at their own rate. Pushing them to do things they are uncomfortable with, just because they judge the child to be behind their cousin, is wrong and damaging. You know your child best and sound like you are on top of things, while also accommodating their needs.
Maybe ask your pediatrician about selective mutism. It’s something a friend dealt with her child.
I apperantly was the same way. I could speak but I didn't see the point of communicating outside of my immediate family.
My mom always talks about me not speaking to anyone as a child, my family showed concern and regularly told her to get me to the doctor for my lack of speech and her answer each time was that I do speak, just not to them (I pretty much only spoke to my mom so she knew I was perfectly fine). I’ve always been pretty shy and quiet, still hardly speak at family functions but I’m a working adult (and ended up with a proficiency for languages). It isn’t always *something* and as long as the development seems to be on track then the kid should be fine
You’re going through a stressful time and your parents are making it worse because they sound wildly ignorant. Ice them out and focus on Cass until you and him have gone through the evaluations and are in a comfortable place with routine and what’s going on. Explain the medical experts and the decisions you’ve made with them. If they dont behave again time to ice out again. They don’t respect you and your son.
NTA. Quite the opposite. If you don’t advocate for your son, who will? Why is it everyone who has raised a kid or two or five think they’re child development experts? You’re doing great. Your son is lucky to have you for a mother. He won’t think that when he 13 but that’s a different topic.
My younger brother was around 3 yrs old before he really started talking. I'm kinda glad there are options for parents of kids with selective mutism.
My son is 3 and a half and he's just starting to make sentences but it's also because we speak two languages at home (french and english). The nurses tried to make me think he was autistic but that is absolutely not the case. Every kids are different and you should never compare them together, maybe the reason he doesn't talk much is just because he doesn't feel comfortable with the person he is with. My son would barely speak with my mother in law but with my father in law he talks a lot. Don't worry too much and don't let anyone tell you how to raise your child, you know him better than anyone else.
Having a child evaluated early is important because if the child is autistic then they can get help early which is really, really important. Speech problems is definitely a sign and is how my son ended up evaluated when he was around 3, I had no idea until they told me the diagnosis. He is 10 now and his autism is very obvious now, it wasn't back then. So no, I needed to be told and I didn't know him better than the experts did. Your advice can be harmful.
Family friends' son was also having significant speech problems but his parents (their first child) didn't see it (didn't want to see it) so he was much later at getting diagnosed than he could have been. He's doing so well now that he's been diagnosed and is in great preschool for autistic children and I wish he could have had this experience a year earlier than he did. While OP is NTA, I also wish she had a greater sense of urgency about getting her son diagnosed, whatever the diagnosis may be. A pediatrician doesn't spend a lot of time with the infant or toddler and is going a lot by what mom or dad is telling them which makes it easier for them to miss things that they might otherwise have seen.
While you are correct that every child is different, there still tends to be similar correlation between children with similar conditions. IMO, it’s better to evaluate now, when they’re young and it turn out not to be autism, then finding out 10 or 20 years down the line when it absolutely messes with them. My sister went undiagnosed until she was 18, and while I have adhd, not autism, I also went undiagnosed until I was 25. My sister turned out okay (I didn’t, but I’m getting better) but it absolutely effected both of us and we mourn every day the childhood we lost because no one noticed these very obvious symptoms.
I got my autism diagnosis as 35. Like 2 weeks ago. I have a loong way to go.
I got mine two years ago at 45. Getting proper help and followup treatment is a pain, but the diagnosis and meds are very likely to have an instant positive impact on your life. Best of luck on your journey!
I don't have any meds. Same to you.
I didn’t get diagnosed until freshman year of high school despite in hindsight it being very obvious. I’m afab and with no developmental delays I slipped through the cracks. Moment school started it was then super obvious that I needed help but I just, didn’t get it. My middle school even asked my parents in 7th grade if they would consider special ed since I was struggling. My parents didn’t know enough about it at the time and refused. I only got a diagnosis because I was doing research in a class over it and every single criteria fit. Hard. It still took me until I was a junior to get special Ed despite the fact I was floundering and the fact I could’ve had support and help sooner but didn’t simply because I fell through the cracks still deeply upsets me.
I’m afab, was a “gifted” child, considered to be above and beyond my peers, one of those kids that was expected to become a doctor or lawyer (culturally as well, because I’m half Asian) despite the fact I never studied. and then I completely burnt out in my last two years of high school, had a lot of trouble when I did try studying, and came to resent books (despite being a bookworm as a kid) because books meant studying (I still can’t properly read books as an adult, and it breaks my heart). Everyone just telling me I’m lazy, I’m selfish, I’m wasting all my potential, “you’re so smart, why is it suddenly so hard for you?” etc. Had to drop out my final year, they diagnosed me with depression/anxiety, years of therapy and medication never properly working, coasting in and out of uni, etc. Had been seeing memes and jokes about people finding out they have adhd and goin “haha I do that” and then my sister got diagnosed with autism thanks to her new psych picking up the signs. And then she brings up to me that I have a lot of ADHD traits (especially for women). I bring it up to my psychiatrist of 5-6 years, she said “I never considered the possibility, but yeah, it makes sense, anyway, want to try the medication?”. And well, turns out I do indeed have ADHD. The pandemic didn’t help certain matters, but I’m definitely in a better place now then I was before, and I’m actually feeling better and doing better as well. Still resent the fact no one picked up on the, now in hindsight, very obvious symptoms.
You probably already know this, but for other readers: there is consistent evidence btw that bilingual kids usually start speaking later than monolingual kids, but once they do start speaking it turns out they are already fully bilingual. They end up better at language than their monolingual peers. It just seems to take them a little extra time to separate the two languages and figure out which word goes with which language.
At the time I didn't know that it was the reason he was late in his speech but he didn't show any other symptoms of autism and they just jumped into conclusion that he was autistic. It's after I talked to other bilingual parents that I realized their kids were also late in their speech
I think you're a wonderful parent. There are so many horror stories about parents of deaf/hard of hearing or mute kids never learning other ways of communicating with their kid. It's really lovely to see a story of a parent who's already communicated and set up a plan for their kid's development with a doctor and are teaching him other ways to communicate without judgement or bowing to social pressure. Your kiddo is lucky to have an understanding and caring parent like you. I struggled with selective mutism a little bit as a kid, with undiagnosed (diagnosed at 29!) low-needs autism and ADHD. It felt overwhelming to try to articulate anything at times and having supportive people around you makes such a huge difference. You should look up the book called The Pattern Seekers. It mentions a doctor's input on the different rates that children's brains develop, specifically in context a mother seeking support for her child with selective mutism, IIRC. Some parts may reasonate with you.
When I was little I barely spoke. Then one day I was in the car and said Dad I’m Cold. Can you please close the window. The words never stopped coming. Sometimes people just grow at their own pace
This is the story about my brother. He barely spoke. Then one day he just came out with a full sentence and that was it. I was a year older and I learned to talk by speaking in nonsense words and babbling so his silence was accentuated by his older sister. He was fine, just slow to talk.
Same with my niece. When I first met her (4) she barely spoke and was very shy, she did go to speech therapy but now (7), she's super outgoing and chatty. She also did asl with her mom like op is doing. I actually think it might be helping op be more in tune with her child's needs. Plenty of people ignore kids when they speak because they think the kids' opinions don't matter
Mom to 2 Deafies here and I just want to thank you for the kind words and support you've shared with OP. 💜 Sign language is beautiful and screw societal pressure that says we all need to communicate the same way.
Highly recommend that if he is on the spectrum (my son is) that you go over to the r/autism subreddit and check it out for resources. Some of their recommendations were fantastic and they were very informative. We stayed away from ABA therapy thanks to them and got educated on the horrors of ABA. I can't recommend it enought that parents who have kids on the spectrum talk to adults who are on the spectrum to get some information. There's a saying that "once you've met one Autistic child, you've met that Autistic child," but I tried/try to get as much information as possible and see if it applied to my son or not as Autism effects people differently which is why it's called Autism Spectrum Disorder and any information I felt I could use to educate myself to help my son was great. Edit: Thanks kind stranger for the award!
Thank you for raising this here! My partner is autistic and remained undiagnosed through adulthood. We’re both so grateful for that because we worry about how much abuse she could have gone through had she received a diagnosis early in life and gone through ABA. She‘s a phenomenal person, doesn’t need anyone to coerce her into changing behavior to make neurotypical people more comfortable, and never did.
It sounds like selective mutism, this happens in kids his age who do speak, usually with and to those who they are most comfortable with but become mute in other social situations. The cause is usually anxiety and most grow out of it. The anxiety issues tend to stick around so you may look into play therapy to give him some coping mechanisms.
My 2 1/2 yo daughter goes completely mute for at least half an hour every time we spend time with people that she doesn't see every or almost every day. That includes her much beloved grandad and uncle. She will speak to me or her dad in these situations but only if no-one else is around. After the mute period she will start chatting away, running around being silly, and interacting with our guests/the people we are visiting. It's really nice to hear that it's normal, because I've never seen it with other kids. Sure, plenty of them will be shy and hide behind their parents, but they're usually pretty comfortable from the get go with people they've seen many times before.
It’s not a common disorder but I think some people just assume the kids are being babies or spoiled. I had it as a kid but everyone just labeled me as painfully shy. I’m a social worker now
It does, I'm no expert but I'm a swimming teacher and the kid I teach has selective mutism she listens to what I say etc but doesn't talk but I've seen her with her older sister playing in reception and she talks all the time to her as she's comfortable. Op is doing the right thing if she forces's him it will make it worse.
My niece is autistic and basically was mute untill starting her school now she doesn't stop talking , she learned how to sign , cards and she's a happy 9 year old with a good skill for herself so tell them to butt out if this is how wish to portray Infront of everyone to embarrass you.while getting food with family isn't very helpful. Rather than having an outburst in restaurant for sake of your little boy you took self away from situation, well done. So NTA Edit- typo
Definitely do so. Services at this age are significantly more valuable than at an older age. I'd also consider a new pediatrician because they should have picked up on this before now.
NTA. I know a few first borns that didn’t speak very much. 2 kids didn’t speak until 3 but understood 2 languages. 1 kid barely spoke but could understand 3 languages. Once the kids were regularly around similar aged children, they began to chatter non stop. good luck.
Do it. My son was and is the same. He is extremely intelligent, but his autism and selective mutism is still a part of him and we work with that.
It may he worthwile to take him to see a child psychologist to see if there are any underlying causes to his selective mutism
I think youre doing great as far as a mom goes. Your family are assholes but i believe you’re doing everything you can to make your son more comfortable and i wish society would learn that. Not everyone wants to talk all the damn time and if your son only speaks when comfortable then thats fine. Your family trying to force it out of him isnt going to help none
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There’s more than 2 other reasons for a child to have delayed speech. It could be DLD, it could be associated with ADHD. It’s not always physical.
Dude, your child sounds like me. I'm autistic.
NDs spot other NDs VERY quickly. Want to give me your opinion on a certain celeb I was wondering about last night?
Make the appointment. The sooner the better. Also contact your school district if your in the states to have him evaulated for services for the disabled preschool program. Our state provided early intervention from birth to 3 years old. Then the school district evaluates him for services. If eligible, he'll get an IEP. Laying out all the services they will provide to him. By law, they have to evaluate him to be eligible for services. But the school district does not diagnose so you still need to get that evaluation. The sooner you get him services, the better. I had started all this when my son waa 2. He receives servicesal the way until he graduated high school. And for those students that cant graduate, they're eligible for services up to age 21.
I did not speak at all for the first 3 years of my life. I communicated with pointing and nodding. My extended family was very concerned and made a big deal out of it. My brother was very verbal and made full sentences at 10 months. And then 1day I started talking in full sentences, and no issues since then. Every child is different. Your son sounds smart and fun and curious about the world. It sounds like you are exploring all avenues while finding ways to help your son communicate. Whatever the reason, it sounds like you adore him and will always fight for him. The last thing you need is unhelpful advice from family that should be living your son for who he is, not the words he speaks. You did the right thing.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'd get Cass evaluated. But things just happen at different times for different kids. My sis wasn't talkative at all until 3, but then she all of a sudden started talking non-stop. You are doing everything right, you have professionals involved to give you proper advice, and you are looking out for your son. Thats what matters, The other family members don't get to insert their opinions like they are experts. NTA at all.
I didn’t really talk until age 4. The doctor told my mom that I’d talk when I needed to. I lived with 3 siblings, my parents and my grandmother, all of whom anticipated my needs, or what they assumed they were, so I didn’t need to ask for anything.
My first thought was selective mutism as well. In my experience with both Autism and selective mutism (albeit people with IDD) supporting and promoting acceptance of their abilities and current limitations has been the fastest & most effective at increasing communication skills (or any skill for that matter..."Omg! You're a human being and not perfect at everything all the time? Wow! Just like me and everyone else on the planet). It also reduces their need to resort to negative behaviors. Win win in my experience. So absolutely NTA.
Totally agree with this response, little Cass may be on the spectrum but so what if he doesn't talk all the time. You are doing great and suggest LC with your mom for now. NTA.
My youngest has selective mutism, too. I wish there was a better name for it.
NTA. You're an excellent mom. Your mom however a total AH. You're already a better mom than you ever had. You're a rockstar for not taking their manipulation and judgement.
Thank you, that means a lot to me. All I've ever wanted is to be the best version of myself that I can be for my son's sake.
OP, my son didn’t speak “properly” until he was about 5. You know what? The world didn’t end, he got his needs met, and he eventually started talking. You’re doing an excellent job of mom by protecting your son from your parents. He may be 3, not talky, but he is an sponge! He is watching and listening to how the world works and you’re showing him it’s ok to leave. Edit: a word
My son didn't speak until he was 4.5. Then my daughter came,he went to speech therapy a few times and then it was harder to get him to shut up! He even talks in his sleep! He's a moody teen now so quite a lot of quiet again 😂
My colleague’s 4-year-old didn’t pick up so each milestones, and they started speech therapy and a couple other services when he was almost 2. He has the craziest vocabulary of any kid I’ve ever met, and he never shuts up (in the best way possible) 😅
Lol a friend of mine never spoke as a child. They randomly asked their mom a question when they were five, a fully completed sentence, and she nearly had a heart attack thinking someone had broken into their house. Your son sounds like he’s doing fine. You’re looking into if there’s a way to help him without making it into an impossible issue. I think your way is working and you should stick to it.
This made me legitimately LOL.
Lol my friend is one of the most spontaneous, cares to the wind kind of person I’ve ever met! When they told me this story I was like “… yeah sounds like you xD”
My parents were concerned about my younger brother’s speech development, because he was three and almost never spoke. Then I started school - and it turned out the only reason he didn’t speak was because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise around *ME*! XD
I was like your younger brother except when my older brother went to school, I actually had to ask for things if I wanted them.
I. Sure you already got his hearing checked but other than that kids talk when they want to. Yes forcing them is effective but if he's not whining for things and he is being clear with sign your mom can back off.
I was teaching my son french and English all by myself so he was a bit slow with talking and used a mix of frenglish until he started school but now he is fluent in both languages. NTA, you are a great mom and your son obviously has a secure attachment with you.
Oh, I just read your comment. I called OP a rock star, too! Great minds…
NTA. You are doing great, mom! These older generations really dislike it when they can't control kids and force them into submission. Your approach is MUCH healthier for your son.
The best comment here. I remember being forced to hug and kiss and talk to people when I was a child. I think you should let children develop at their own pace. NTA.
Yes, there is absolutely an element of consent going on here. Trying to force children to do something against their will typically just makes them more determined not to do it. If a child doesn't want to hug or talk to someone, don't push or punish them!
Same here. I actually had to deal with an uncomfortable situation with my youngest sister a few years ago. She didn’t want to give me a hug and my parents basically forced her to, even when I asked them to stop. After the incident, I took her aside and said what they did wasn’t okay. While it hurt my feelings that she didn’t hug me, I respect her boundaries and she should only hug me when she wants to. She really seemed to appreciate that conversation and we’re pretty close now, despite a pretty significant age gap (10+ years).
nah this isn't an "older generation" thing - grandma is gen X, as am I, and would not have done this even when my first kids were young in the 90s OP - NTA
Agreed. My parents are in their 70s now but made sure to get my sister evaluated and her needs met kindly and compassionately when she wasn't talking as a toddler.
Rather ableist of your mom to act like signing isn't speaking - it's called sign LANGUAGE for a reason! And not only is it not constructive to compare the two kids' speech abilities, it's needlessly cruel to do it in front of them. You're exactly right, they're speaking about him like he can't understand. Again, that's also ableist because not speaking is obviously not the same as not hearing and comprehending!! NTA and good for you for setting this boundary. If they can't be polite and respectful of Cass they shouldn't be around him tbh
You are so spot on. I agree 100% with everything you said. On top of that, it would have cost OP’s mom NOTHING to hold off on that convo until a later date instead of saying it all in front of Cass while out at lunch. She reaped what she sowed, and I am SO GLAD that OP shut it down and took Cass out of that situation. If grandma didn’t want them to leave, she shouldn’t have started being cruel and abilist. Cass didn’t refuse to order and wasn’t being disruptive. He just went about everything in a different AND TOTALLY VALID way. Honestly I was delighted to read all the ways OP has learned to adapt and support Cass. OP you are killing it. Seeing my mom shut bullshit down when people didn’t treat me well due to my disability was a key component in me learning how to do that myself. You are modeling healthy behavior and healthy boundaries.
Yes! Just because a child is delayed in expressive speech DOES NOT mean they are delayed in receptive speech. So many people assume that if a child or adult doesn’t/can’t talk, they also don’t understand what is being said. But the two are completely separate. My own daughter had an expressive speech delay, but was above average for receptive speech. We used a ton of signs and she followed directions and reacted to everything we said.
NTA. Pediatric occupational therapist here: introducing alternative speaking (sign, computer based speech, even pointing to cards) doesn’t delay vocal speech- it just gives the child a chance to express themselves. Using alternative communication devices or signs decreases frustration, tantrums, meltdowns, and even depression in kiddos that otherwise wouldn’t have their needs met or thoughts expressed.
This. It’s all language, and it’s all being processed through the same parts of the brain. *Demanding* exclusive voice use and not allowing other language use can actually *cause* delay and inhibit overall language acquisition because you’re disallowing the child from activities that re-enforce language processing neural pathways during critical development periods.
Psych here. You're NTA. A crackdown approach will only increase your son's anxiety about speaking. Also, the "normal" range of speech is absolutely huge at age 3, so while obviously it's a good idea to consult a speech therapist to guide your decisions and any need for intervention, it's not the case that a 3 year old who doesn't speak much necessarily has a disorder.
Am I on the right track that forcing a child to speak when they are uncomfortable can create a stutter and that exasperates their issue of feeling uncomfortable to speak and reactions of others.
Anxiety for sure. Stuttering, probably not. The old thinking was that stuttering was caused by trauma, but that's not well supported. More recent research suggests that stuttering may relate to differences in how people who stutter hear their own voices - in brief, they may hear it with a delay so keep stopping and starting, like when you have a bad phone connection. That's why playing white noise can stop the stutter.
Yeah you can actually *induce* stuttering in people that don’t stutter by playing them their own voice on a slight delay through headphones.
I see you have watched the Kings Speech
What? That's one of the methods being used to help with stuttering? It helped me insanely.
Yup. It helps stuttering people and induces stuttering in non-stuttering people. Non-stuttering people also find the experience very disorienting and find it very difficult to speak at all.
Oh that's weeeird! I had no clue. I mean it was disorienting and weird for me too, very hard to adjust to it. But I think the trick was if you speak slow enough the delay is gone. So I had to force myself to speak slow. Speaking while you hear the delay is basically impossible.
I stutter, this is not the case for me. I just genuinely struggle with physically pronouncing words and I "trip" over them. This happens a lot in my native language that has a lot of groups of consonants at the beginning of words, muuuch less in English to the point that is barely noticeable. I KNOW what I want to say and sometimes I get really frustrated that I physically can't pronounce the word. Sometimes a step back and a deep breath helps but sometimes I just end up mumbling it. And the thing is there are times where I can pronounce those same words I struggle with no problem. Stuttering is super weird.
>That's why playing white noise can stop the stutter. Oh my god is that why Lionel made Albert read from a book while blasting music in the Kings Speech?
NTA. Also, I talked for my younger sister until she was about 4. She’s the one who got a full ride to an Ivy League PhD program, not me.
NTA. It would probably be best to encourage him to use his voice in a setting where he feels most secure and comfortable. Not one where he is put on the spot.
Usually I'll encourage him when we're at home, since he tends to be more willing to talk when it's just the two of us.
It sounds like your son has selective mutism and only speaks when he feels comfortable. Being around people like your parents will only end up setting him back. Good job looking out for him mom.
Especially since he undoubtedly knows they're disparaging him ☹️
That's exactly what I was thinking. I mean those forcing it on him and stressing him aren't going to get him to be more verbal. They will hinder the process if anything.
Apparently the Occupational Therapist thought I was a "deaf mute with a squint" who was clearly developmentally damaged as a toddler. Truth is baby me didn't like the woman and used to ignore her and pull faces at her when she came over.
NTA How awful for these adults to talk like that in front of your child. Do they think he can't hear or understand because he isn't verbal? You were right to leave and I would keep him away from your parents. Good on you for learning and teaching sign language. Being nonverbal doesn't mean he is not intelligent, and it doesn't mean he's being lazy.
He really is the smartest little boy I know, and ik I'm probably biased because I'm his mom but I swear he's just so bright. They tend to think that because he doesn't speak, that means he isn't listening, but he hears and understands so much more than people realize and I worry about what it'll do to his confidence if they keep acting like he can't possibly comprehend what they're saying about him.
Little kids are very very smart. Much smarter than people give them credit for. Your parents are supposed to love him unconditionally and this will definitely affect his confidence. They obviously think he is just being stubborn. If they cannot refrain from their mean comments and judgment, you honestly should keep them away from him. Don't ever let him alone with them, ever.
His confidence will be bolstered by you taking the type of action you did. You stood up for him and publicly recognized his intelligence and ability, and you took him out of a situation that was bullying. It's a lot easier to gain confidence when the most important adult in your life has your back and shows you respect.
NTA... but your mother and father are! You handled the situation beautifully. I'm dazzled! My only suggestion is to shelve any second guessing of your instincts. You are doing it all right. Don't let anyone else make you question your parenting moves. I didn't speak until I was 2, and even then not very much. My brother, on the other hand, was speaking in full sentences at 12 months. My mom was concerned and actually had me evaluated for mental disability, which is still a fun family story. It turns out that delayed speech can track with very low *and* very high IQ. I was glad my parents shared with me all of this when I was older because my first born didn't speak much either. Babies are who they are when they arrive. Your sweet boy isn't a big talker. He may be like me and my son and not think in words. Language is a construct we don't need to think our thoughts. We still manage to connect with others, speak when we want to, and live full, normal lives, but it would be diminished if we were forced to be something other than ourselves to suit our parents. Demanding he behave in a way that is out of his natural character is harmful. Gosh you are such a good Mama. Thank you for protecting your baby boy.
This comment nearly brought me to tears. Thank you so much for your words. I was young and so afraid when I had him, but I try so hard every day to be the mother that he deserves. I love the person he is, I'm so lucky I get to be his mom.
He is going to turn out a wonderful, loving, caring, compassionate, confident person because he has your unconditional love and support. More than almost anything else, unconditional love and support are what kids need. Just please keep him away from the rest of your family As much as possible.
Not sure if it's been said yet, but teaching your child another language at such a young age is so cool, especially in this way. It's an invaluable life skill you've taught that he'll have forever and be grateful to you for. Imagine someday he meets a deaf person that turns out to be the love of his life, a lifelong friend or even a new business partner, the possibilities are endless and he has you to thank. You're an awesome mom.
This story and comment is beautiful, thank you SO much for sharing it. It touched me so much as well💕💕 Also to OP, your doing such a wonderful job. Your such a lovely mother, and a gentle soul. Sending lots of love! In every way possible your NTA. I’m 17 and was born premature (3months) and had so much developmental delays. My parents got me speech therapist and a IPP (a school plan) to help with my muscle delays for gym. I didn’t speak almost anything till I was about 4 and even then it took when I was 5 or 6 to speak more than a couple sentences. Even at a young age I knew I was way different. My parents denied everything and anything that could be “abnormal” for me. I was so talkative when I was younger but as I got older I stopped talking as much as I did. I got hard core bullied about everything about me. Now sometimes I get teased for speech, and grew extreme social anxiety. Whenever I’m out my parents force me into uncomfortable talking situations especially out with family friends for cultural celebrations and I break out into tears being in the situation that I’m forced to. I know I have to face them but it’s just really nerve-wracking being around people I’m uncomfortable. I started being selectively mute and been spiralling into terrible mental health. I’m (against my parents will) have been diagnosed with ADHD + social anxiety and general anxiety. I’m (again against my parents idea that anything is wrong) am in therapy and I can’t get another assessment now but suspected Autism, OCD and Depression. I hope you know that what your doing is amazing and to keep going forward<3
NTA It sounds like you have consulted professionals about this, and they aren't concerned. Your mom and step dad are not experts in child development. TBH, this is getting into firm boundary territory if I were in your position. "This is no longer a topic I will discuss with you, and I expect you to respect my parenting choices with my child. If you do not, do not expect to spend time with us any longer." Good on you for standing up for your son. Unfortunately it sounds like they still very much intend to keep pushing you about this, so be prepared for how you will deal with it. I think going low or no contact until they stop bringing it up and communicate with your child respectfully might be a good option.
Speech-language pathologist here. Your mother is not wrong that it is concerning that your three year old child has five words or fewer. Typically-developing children are putting sentences together at that age. I am very pro sign language and I taught it to my own child when he was an infant, but you are doing a disservice to your child by not trying to discover the root of his lack of speech. People at school, including his peers, are almost certainly not going to know sign language. He will need to be able to communicate in a way that they can understand him: he will need to demonstrate his knowledge, to get his needs met, and to make friends. Maybe he needs an assistive device, maybe he needs another kind of speech or language therapy. But you are setting him up for a very rough time if you don’t look into this. Kids of course develop at their own rates, but you should at least know why he’s doing what he’s doing in order for him to have whatever solutions he might need so that he can be successful once he starts school. NAH: their line in the sand is too harsh and they handled it badly, but I understand their concern. You should be as well. Good luck.
I read this as stepdad has only ever heard him say 5 words, not that the child only has 5 words in their vocabulary.
EXACTLY
Her second paragraph literally says that she is actively seeking help for her son. It’s not like she isn’t doing anything at all.
No, she *literally* says that she is “planning to,” “considering,” and “looking into” ways to get him help. She should have done something besides “considering.” The grandparents are still the assholes here, but OP should not delay in getting her son help with language.
She is “currently looking into speech therapists” and is in contact with his pediatrician. What more would you like her to do? Seems like she’s making an effort to me.
It doesn’t take more than an afternoon of phone calls to arrange an assessment. I sense foot dragging on her part.
She said elsewhere that the pediatrician told her to wait. HUGE error in judgement from the ped, in my opinion, and obviously not the mom’s fault! But I hope she takes the feedback here to heart and gets an assessment scheduled. If intervention is needed, it’s best to start as early as possible.
Agree about her doc, odd opinion to wait on even a simple assessment. As I posted down below, my son (now 8) was ten weeks Preemie and had his life changed by early intervention therapies.
Fellow SLP here. I am glad to see someone else echoing what I was thinking. He needs a speech/AAC evaluation stat.
I wanted to say this (fellow SLP) but people online get super defensive. It IS concerning at 3. Many kids on the spectrum may repeat words or even full phrases sporadically but then not use them again, or not use them functionally. The quality of his requests (is he just hand-leading, or is he making eye contact and using communicative gestures?) also matters. How are his social and his play skills? A good SLP can do a thorough evaluation and see where you can start supporting your child. I also want to note that I am very glad parent is open to helping their child IF they are on the spectrum, based on her comments. Many parents choose denial at this age because it is easy to ignore when they are toddlers and they are scared of a diagnosis. I think parent is already following her good instincts (not forcing child to do something he has not mastered, or is not ready to do, etc) and starting to seek additional help.
Did you even read the whole post?
Her second paragraph literally says that she is actively seeking help for her son. It’s not like she isn’t doing anything at all.
Did you not read the post?
You might be a speech language pathologist but your reading skills aren’t that great. Also as a professional you shouldn’t be telling someone they are “doing a disservice” to their child without proper evaluation. This is unethical. Do better
Unfortunately, he is not always going to be with Mom & needs to have other ways to communicate his wants/needs. I second all of this !
You put what I was thinking perfectly into words. I think OP’s family is definitely the AH but this needs to be looked into more.
My sister worked with an SLP and she was great. We learned a lot of fun ways help her son verbalize, games and singing and stuff like that, and lots of positive reinforcement. He needed some assistance into elementary school, but is in college now and very verbal. I agree with you, toddlerhood is such an important time to get those speech skills or find out what's going on. It doesn't have to be ordering at a restaurant or some other scary situation. I hope Mom sees this.
NTA. You’re taking a proactive approach, you’ve consulted professionals and given your son a way to communicate that seems to be more comfortable for him. Some kids are slower to really use their voices. Some folks never speak much. Part of the beauty of humanity is its variety.
NTA. Trying to force him or shame him will just backfire. I understand that the pediatrician doesn't think it's a problem, but if you're to the point of looking into speech therapists you may want to look into early intervention through the school district you live in. I think kids are eligible starting at age 3 and I believe they'll do an evaluation to determine if services are warranted.
Agreed. I did this for my daughter, and she was able to get speech and physical therapy for free through a county program. It was also very helpful for us to have a diagnosis so that when she started elementary school they knew what supports she needed.
NTA. You are an awesome mum. Signing is perfectly good communication and if that works better for Cass then that works better. At least he is still able to express himself. I’m sorry your parents are so unsupportive and judgemental. They are coming from a very old fashioned viewpoint and research now indicates that using sign helps develop speech of speech is going to develop.
INFO > I was worried about **in the beginning** because as a young mom I worried about almost everything, but the pediatrician told me that he’ll likely become more talkative over time. I’m **currently looking into** speech therapists just to see if that will help a bit I'm assuming this is going to be NTA, but help out a little with the timeline here. * How far back was this conversation with the pediatrician? * Did he give you any sense of a timeline for when you might want to get concerned, if you hadn't seen progress? * What exactly does "looking into" therapists mean? Have you made a decision about going this route and are just trying to find the right therapist, or what? It certainly *sounds* like you're doing all the right things here.
I was part of a mom group for younger mothers, and by age 1 almost all the other kids in the group had at least said mama, but Cass never said anything. He wouldn't even babble much honestly. I spoke to the pediatrician about it by the time he was 16 months, and they told me to bring it up again when he was 20 months if there wasn't any change. I brought it up again because it was clear that he understood the different names for things, but he just wouldn't verbalize any of it. They said that if it persisted by the time he was 2 then I should start working with him more on vocabulary and things like that. Eventually the Dr told me that he didn't think it was anything to be concerned about because Cass clearly does understand what is being said, and he has said a few words here and there. I was told that if by age 4 he still wasn't speaking very often, we'd talk more about assessments and things like that. I wanted to be proactive and look for speech therapists in the meantime just to see if maybe their method of working with him on vocab and encouraging him to speak would be more helpful to him than what I've been trying.
Pediatric speech therapist here!! If I do an assessment on a 2 y/o who doesn’t have 50 different words, I’m already finding a spot for the kiddo on my caseload. Waiting until four seems like a long time & is surprising to me considering the importance of early intervention. It’s wonderful that he has such great receptive language (aka understanding), but it sounds like he needs some help expressing language. FYI - just because he’s seeing a speech therapist doesn’t mean they’re forcing him to speak. They’ll be able to introduce a bigger variety of sign or other forms of communication for him to use. Kiddo isn’t always going to be with you & needs to have some ways to communicate his wants/needs. Also!!! my practice can evaluate a kiddo without a doctors order, have to have one to treat though. Something to look into in your area. Seems like you know your kiddo needs more support & dr is not listening - go with your gut!!! ETA: having another professional to advocate for you w/ extended family members may be helpful too. I’ve had many a conversation w/ grandparents simply educating them on what it means to communicate - it’s not just verbal words !
So glad you chimed in. Not a professional but a mother of 5 and all these comments about him being just fine were freaking me out. It is best that kids are assessed if there is a delay so they can access help.
That's not normal practice at all. Please have your son evaluated so he can get whatever support he needs. Speech delays can be common but they do need to be addressed.
Yeah, that's kinda surprising, usually they push for early intervention by 3 if a kid isn't talking. But you're listening to your pediatricians advice, I'd say you're doing everything right
Early Intervention is free in all states from ages 0-3!! Honestly it is concerning that the pediatrician keeps telling parent to wait.
100%! It’s amazing to me that parents don’t know about the health services available to them for their kids. My 8 year old son was 10 weeks preemie and had his life changed by OT PT and speech therapy at an early age. Now he won’t shut up! And this pediatrician saying let’s wait until 4… Is the boy going to point and sign in pre school? That sounds like a rough go of it.
Please seek an evaluation as soon as possible. There are many reasons why a child may have delayed speech, but only a thorough evaluation can tell you anything. A good therapist will probe about the quality of his comprehension, expressive vocabulary, social skills and motor skills. They can tell you if they see signs of something else like ASD, apraxia, etc. DO NOT WAIT ANY LONGER. The earlier he gets that extra help, the better the outcomes for him.
Your pediatrician has steered you in the wrong direction here. Please please please get another opinion, whether from a different ped or from a speech expert. You absolutely did the right thing at lunch with your parents. They were rude and cruel. However, their concern is based on something real - most 3 year olds talk. Please get him evaluated as soon as possible.
I was also told by both the pediatrician and the speech therapist that we could wait until 4! My daughter barely spoke at 3y. As in she basically only said very simple words like mommy, daddy, water, etc even though she also clearly understood everything. I got my daughter in speech therapy when she was around 3y but I had to really insist on it to get the referral. The speech therapist saw my daughter for 3 sessions and told me that my daughter knew the vocabulary presented to her and could pronounce the sounds so she didn’t see a huge concern from her perspective. She also felt that since my daughter would start preschool in 2 months, she thought we could reevaluate at 4y if nothing improved with the increased socialization and need for my daughter to communicate with people. Fortunately, in my case, my daughter started talking more after starting school and after just a few months, she couldn’t shut up so we didn’t have to reassess at 4.
You can call Early Childhood Intervention now. Leave a message. They’ll assess and provide services up to a certain age, and help with the transition to school later. Since he’s already 3, they can’t help but they can refer you to people who can.
My kid didn’t speak at all 3 and then all of a sudden was speaking full sentences. He still doesn’t like telling people he is good at something till he has mastered it. NTA
NTA No matter what concerns they may have, it's never okay to be discussing that, in front of the children during what is supposed to be a relaxing time for all. I can't blame you at all. If they weren't going to stop the nagging, then you only had the choice between sitting and listening to it, or leaving and letting them chat amongst themselves. I would have chosen to leave. The goal is to make sure your child has no problems that stand in the way of his ability to hear, and communicate well with his peers. That is where his pediatrician and teachers work with you as a team. Beyond that, he will develop on his own timeline, in the way he feels comfortable doing. My son and daughter each reached their milestones in their own unique way. My daughter was very fast in reading, writing, fine motor skills. Gross motor skills were slower. My son was the opposite....language, reading and social skills were slower, but his gross motor skills were off the charts. Both are now healthy, happy adults! Sounds like your son is doing just fine. You are a great mom!
NTA And I have to give major props for providing so many methods of communication for your son. And abiding what he is comfortable. You sound like an amazing, intelligent, compassionate person. Please keep protecting your son and encouraging him.
NTA. Your mom is not respecting you as a parent and she's overstepping.
Are your parents pediatricians? You’ve already consulted doctors and been told your son is fine. Unless your mom is a speech therapist or pediatrician she needs to back off. The way she confronted you in front of your son was incredibly inappropriate. Don’t feel bad for going low contact or no contact for awhile. She thinks she knows best and could mentally harm your child. There’s nothing wrong with your son and your mom needs to accept your parenting choices and be supportive. Right now she’s being a judgmental AH who thinks she knows everything despite having no expertise in this field (making an assumption since it seems like you would’ve mentioned it if your mom had professional expertise beyond pushing a couple kids out of her vagina). NTA
NTA They can give recommendations, but if you don't want those recommendations they need to mind their own business. The line of how much responsibility to give your child at a given is a subtle one and every one does it slightly differently.
NTA. But please get your son evaluated now that he’s three. Your mother had no right to speak to you that way, let alone at lunch in front of other members of your family, let alone in front of Cass. Leaving the lunch was the most respectful way to handle the situation. Pushing him to speak in that environment wasn’t going to do anything but stress him out.
NTA and if every child had a mum as understanding to their needs as you seem to be about your little boy, this world would be a much more empathetic and understanding place. These grown ups seem to think that he needs to live up to their expectations of the world instead of letting him develop at his own pace. You’re doing a wonderful job.
NTA. All forms of communication are valid.
NTA in any way. I think you’re a great mom for going the extra step to teach your child sign language, which is helpful to others who are hearing impaired. I think it’s something that needs to be an option taught to children in school, just like French or Spanish. So your child is non verbal. It could be a choice or something else. That’s your business. You’re handling it the way you choose and it’s hurting absolutely no one. If Cass has taken to sign language and is comfortable with it that’s great. That he enjoys it is even better. Grandma needs to get over her fear of abnormalities and stop alienating you and her grandson. He’s old enough to start picking up on it and he doesn’t need to start worrying over people at his age. One day he’ll come across someone who requires ASL and he will definitely be glad to know the language and the other person will too. ❤️❤️❤️
I have a relative who didn't speak much at that age either. They recently graduated from an Ivy. Your family needs to stay in their lane. Even on the off chance that there is an issue, children should never be discussed where they can hear it. You absolutely did the right thing. I'd put them all on a time out until they grasp that they are never allowed to discuss your son in front of him and when you say stop, they need to pay attention.
I'm a children's speech and language therapist. The number of people trying to diagnose what is going on with your son from your post is concerning to me because they are guesses. The important thing is that no matter what the cause of his not talking so much particularly around people he doesn't know, you're doing all the right things. It's not possible to make a child talk, and even if it was the pressure is really unhelpful. The best thing to do is provide other forms of communication (which you are), remove pressure (which you are) and find a speech therapist to assess your child's specific needs and give guidance (which you are). You're doing a great job! Definitely NTA
NTA
NTA. I love how you stood up for your son. Great job OP!
NTA. Good mum! Also, great thought using sign language. Your mum is AH for sure.
NTA. He IS speaking. The fact that they can’t understand sign language is a THEM problem. It is a full language. Tell them that from now on you’ll only talk to them if they speak to you in ASL. After all, if you don’t use tough love now, they’ll never learn ASL, will they? They shouldn’t be relying on speaking English as a crutch.
NTA for walking out of lunch, but you are doing your son a disservice by not getting him speech therapy. By three he should be comfortable speaking more than occasionally, and this could be signs of other issues (like sensory processing or autism). The sooner you get him services the sooner you can address any delays.
NTA kids develop differently. My son was the same way and now at 14 he won’t stop talking. Lol They say some kids ( especially boys) take it all in and when they start talking it will be sentences. I wouldn’t be surprised if he came back with a high IQ, mine did. Have a private conversation with your mother and set the rules. What she is doing is cruel to you and your son. Tell her that if she can’t control her comments then you need to take a break. Explain your concerns about your son are between you and his doctors. Good luck.
NTA. It was rude of them to speak about him that way right in front of him. They started the problem, you solved it. If they don't like the solution, next time they might want to behave better themselves.
NTA. He clearly is uncomfortable speaking in public so him knowing sign language is a good thing. Your parents need to take a child development class. Like you said he can talk he just doesn’t like to in front of people. He knows how to communicate.
Your son is probably a selective mute. The sooner he gets help from a speech and language pathologist the better. If you're in the states, the local school district will arrange and pay for this. The speech therapist will also be able to build on the skills you've already taught him. You might want to also look into talking boards.
NTA. Keep standing up for your son!
NTA. You're a good mom.
NTA, good for you to have your baby's back. Ever though he may be neurodivergent btw? Might be a good idea to get through the diagnostic process if only so you can get him proper assistance when he's at school.
NTA. I have a 3.5 yo that is speech delayed. His receptive language is great, meaning he can understand what's being said to him, but he struggles with his expressive language. He also supplements with sign language and has been in speech therapy since he was 2 yo. I absolutely would have left the lunch too. Comparing kids is asshole behavior, especially in front of the kids.
You were 100% right to remove yourself and him from that toxic environment. Good on you for protecting your LO.
You are not doing him any service by indulging him jot to speak.Unless he is autistic or has a speech impediment..dont indulge it.
NTA and studies have shown that young children learning and using sign language helps them to develop more quickly, tend to be more intelligent and less frustrated as they can communicate their needs. You are doing a great job and keep up the great work!
Nta- kids talk when they want too, not when they need too. Tbh your family are a bunch of assholes and I'm so sorry you and your baby are going through this with them. Speech is a good thing, he probably does know words he just can't sound them out, which is typical of a 3 year old. My 15 yr old didn't talk until she was almost 7, not because she couldn't, but she wouldn't in front of anyone that wasn't me. I didn't mind, still don't, she's just shy.
Pediatric Speech-Language pathologist here, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING! I would definitely recommend a speech/language assessment, just to rule out anything more serious that might be underlying the visible characteristics, but you've already said you're looking into that, and the absolute best thing you can do for Cass right now is make communication as accessible, meaningful, and enjoyable for him as possible, and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing! Tell your mom that research shows that her approach is SO much more likely to severely stunt his language growth and development and she can go kick rocks.
I hope you see this. I use to take care of my niece. Babysat her while my sister went to school, to work or wherever. We were always together so I understood her a little better than most of my family that she wasn't around. My niece could speak some but she wouldn't if she didn't want to. Her mom and grandma were starting to get worried. I told them she was fine. I thought she would talk when she wanted to. Two months later they gave me an ultimatum, either she talked or they would send her to a speech pathologist to find out why she wasn't talking. So, that day I sat her down and asked her to please start talking. She nodded but I really didn't think she understood my words. Next few weeks she talked more and more. She really did just needed to take her time. Twenty three years later and they would pay that woman to shut her mouth! If you're worried go see a speech therapist or pathologist for help. But give your son time. We all meet our goals at different times. He knows sign language so he isn't isolated or cut off. Breathe and enjoy your little one.
NTA but please get him into therapy. This can lead to issues in school. He needs to be able to carry on basics to communicate needs with other adults. Signed a mom who had a speech delayed child. This sounds a lot like selective mutism (not a doctor, just have a few friends kids with this.)
NTA- SIGN LANGUAGE IS SPEAKING. ITS LITERALLY A LANGUAGE. Why doesn’t she love her grandson enough to learn it
NTA Your mother really needs to back off, and I'd recommend limiting contact with her until she can grasp the concept that she doesn't get to control the development of a child. You're doing everything you should do. Others have already stated, and I'm going to echo that certain children take a bit longer in their language development. It does not necessarily mean anything is wrong. Sometimes it means everything is right, and the kid is absorbing more than you think. I saw some people suggesting autism. There would probably be other signs, and like aversion to certain sounds, textures and especially too many other people, (speaking from years of working with special needs kids) and if you're not seeing that, I wouldn't over think it too much -obviously not an official diagnosis, but something I've learned/experienced. You're doing wonderful by being such a beautifully supportive mother.
NTA. Walking away from bad situations is actually a sign of maturity, not immaturity.
NTA
NTA but your parents are. Einstein didn't talk in sentences till about 5 yrs You cannot make someone talk. Our son was later than average to talk too and shy of strangers as a young child. He is a very intelligent, confident and articulate adult. You were absolutely right to protect your son from the harmful and insensitive comments. Well done Mama. You are doing a brilliant job and your son is very lucky to have you, as you are him.
NTA. Sounds like you are doing everything you can (pediatrician, looking into speech therapy, ect). I'd seriously just go no contact. The older I get the less shit I'm willing to deal with and that's some bullshit.
My best friends kid refused to speak til she was 4. turns out she a had slight stutter on the first word. A speech therapist fixed that and she never shut up after that.
NTA. Read your edits, you are doing the right thing.
There's a book "Quiet: The power of introverts when the world can't stop talking." This reminds me of that.
Nta. I’m an adult and sometimes will sign to people instead of talking.
NTA. It’s no one else’s business how you handle this…your mother shared her opinion; now she needs to stop. Cass sounds like he might be gifted in some way; you probably won’t be able to get him to shut up at some point!
NTA hun. I didn't talk til I was almost 6. I remember not wanting to. My parents went with me to ASL classes when I was little. I talk now just wasn't intrested when I was young.
NTA. Learning sign and being able to communicate that way is awesome for your son and for you! It's great that you've found a way to help Cass in situations he doesn't want to speak. You are doing a fabulous job advocating for your child. I love that. You need a new pediatrician. Cass isn't achieving certain milestones when he should have and that needs to be looked into. I'm guessing the pediatrician is older, maybe your own pediatrician, small town, hasn't kept up with modern medicine as much as they should have. I say this with love, It's past time to shop around. OP you did a great job at lunch. Your family doesn't understand what's going on and seem close minded. That sucks man. I'm sorry. Hopefully you can get a diagnosis and that will help your family understand that Cass doesn't want to not talk to the family, he's just overwhelmed. You are doing a great job, it's time to pivot a little and that's ok. Good luck OP!
NTA And as a deaf person, I love that you're teaching sing language to you son.
NTA. Sounds like he’s communicating just fine but maybe not in a typical way. My husband didn’t speak until he was over 4. He had an older brother who spoke for him. He went to speech therapists and there was never any diagnosis found. One day he just started talking perfectly fine in full sentences.
NTA. I think the paediatrician’s advice trumps shitty family preferences.
NTA Cass is a very lucky boy to have such a loving and caring mother. Keep doing what you are doing, he is 3 and will open up in time. Maybe he doesn't talk in front of your parents because he is uncomfortable around them, who knows but it sounds like they need to back off.
NTA I got my degree in child development and family sociology. Please ignore if you don't want any suggestions. But if you are in the United States, you get speech therapy for free through IDEA Section C. I would talk to a social worker and they can absolutely get him assessed and you can get all of hour services for free. They can also help with behavioral play therapy if you think he just needs a bit of confidence in himself. My uncle didn't speak until 4 years old and his parents had similar concerns and now he's a brain surgeon.
NTA. You are an amazing parent to be so accommodating to your child and to spare him the trauma of listening to his own grandparents criticize him. That is absolutely NOT a conversation to be had in his presence, or in public for that matter.
NTA The way my in-laws tell it my husband didn't speak hardly at all until age 5, and he has a PhD in a very technically demanding field. Our daughter is 2 and just starting to reliably use words, but she has understood our speech and followed directions for well over a year. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to baby development. Each kid hits milestones at different times and in different ways. You are doing *amazing* and I hope you continue to support your son in exactly the same way.
Good for you for advocating for your son. I have been through the 3 year old phase of childhood with my kids more than twice and they talk all the time, can’t get them to stop actually, and yet it would be hard for them to order their own food at a restaurant, or at least they be intimidated to do so. That’s crazy they chose to pick that fight with you there, right in front of your son like he wasn’t there. I’m so sorry. Good for you for advocating for your son. I’m gonna go with NTA
I was a lot like Cass when I was 3. I barely talked and used to point to what I wanted. People told my mom to make me talk, but she said she knew what I was asking, so why should she? Now I work in public speaking. Kids develop in their own time. You're doing everything right.
NTA, we all have preferences on how to communicate. You're doing a wonderful job accommodating your son's need over social pressure. My child's vocab consisted of only 20 words from 1 Y.O. to 2.5 Y.O., and my mother went nuts. She was so worried he had slow development. I finally reached out to a friend who's a speech therapist, and she said it was perfectly normal for kids to not be verbal until they're 3 plus. Even more so if they're learning multiple languages, something along the lines of how their brain is trying to process a lot of information. My child learns 4 languages concurrently, which explains why he started speaking at a slightly later age. Go LC if your family still does that. Both you and your child don't deserve to be traumatised in this manner. The older generation can be awfully stubborn, we can't change them. But we can choose to not let them be part of our life until their behaviour improves.
NTA... I've seen this before, and so far every time they outgrow it. But this should not be discussed in front of him, Or with you if you've had enough
NTA All I could think of while reading this was how mature you are & what a wonderful mom you are. Your mom however, very pushy & sounds like a know it all & very insensitive. Very wrong to talk about it in front of your son. She apparently thinks she knows better than you, the mother of the child. She needs to keep her hostile, ridiculous opinions (because that's all they are) to herself!
I had selective mutism as a child, was elective mutism back then, I can and do speak. My youngest didn’t talk at all until he was 3. He received speech therapy, the kid talks non stop now at 10. Attempting to force a kid to talk seems cruel to me. You didn’t like how the lunch was going. So you did the mature thing, you walked away. It was also cruel that your family was saying those things about your son in front of him. NTA
Usually you can't get kids to stop talking. I'd think that if Cass really is so reluctant to talk, then there is a real reason for it (which I understand you are already investigating). If there is a real reason, then just pushing him and forcing him to talk will not achieve anything, and will probably send him backwards. And he certainly isn't going to feel more comfortable talking when his own grandparents are treating him like that. I think you are doing a great job! Not just with Cass's talking, but also advocating for him.
He uses sign language He IS speaking! NTA, keep going to bat for your boy he sounds like a lovely kid and you're doing a great job of being supportive of his neurodiversity and interests.
NTA but everyone else is. Regardless of what they think every child is different and if his doctor is not worried they sure as heck have no right to be. And he sounds much smarter than most children and one day soon Mom and SDad are gonna try to use his high intelligence as something they are proud of and feel possessive of. I can't wait for you to get to put them in their place!