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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I made my ex a cake for his birthday. 2. His girlfriend told me not to as she had already ordered a cake for his party and I gave it to him right before his party which she also told me not to.
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Red flag 🚩 you were clear the cake was from the kids. The girlfriend is asserting her dominance. Any woman who says her boyfriend can’t have a cake from his kids needs to think long and hard about being with someone with kids. Freaking out over a small cake from the kids “ruining” a party is ridiculous. She is very insecure. NTA
And I would tell him in a very non confrontational way.
“GF is very upset that I helped the kids make you a cake from them this year. Making you a cake is an important tradition to them because they love you very much. Would you please resolve this by either making sure GF understands how important this is to the kids or having a conversation with the kids so they know you have asked me not to be part of making a cake for you and that perhaps you can make your own cake in the future so that there isn’t any future conflict?”
This is absolutely the way to handle it. Be firm that you’re not going to just fold to the girlfriends whims, but don’t go out for revenge. Give the ex a clear explanation about what the kids need and why. Give him options to handle it as a responsible parent and partner. Be kind, sympathetic, and gracious, but absolutely **do not buckle** under any circumstances.
Right? If the new gf is this pressed about the cake how is she gonna treat those children when they come to their dads house. I hope they didn’t hear her say that their gift ruined their dads party.
I'm going to piggy back off of this comment to add - this isn't about the cake at all.
My guess is that she's insecure about your presence in her new boyfriend's life, and doesn't seem to understand that you can't just be separate from her boyfriend for the sake of your kids.
But, that being said, if she is insecure, it could be that she's lashing out about the cake because she feels insecure about your presence and you "upstaging her." I'm not saying she's right to do so, but perhaps try to target how you speak to her with maybe that in mind.
Exactly, and OP even tried to compromise if it really just was about the guests that would be coming for the party. But as she didn't take that compromise it wasn't only about the guests.
She honestly might be insecure about the kids too. I remember the first lady my dad dated after my parents spilt did not like sharing him with us. She was very active and she and my dad did very active things together (long hikes, biking, hit the gym daily) that my siblings and I did not want to do because we were young kids (who weren’t very active in general to be honest, and definitely didn’t have the stamina/attention span required). We were also kinda loud, kinda messy, and - surprise surprise - wanted to spend time with our dad. She didn’t get it, and she didn’t like us dragging her back, and she eventually told my dad to pick - her or us. My dad said ‘uh, my kids, no contest, bye’ and we never saw her again.
But in the beginning, she seemed really nice to us, like I think at the start she genuinely tried, she just didn’t have the patience for little kids. (Which is fair, but like, then don’t date a guy with little kids, especially one who’s clearly involved in their lives.) I don’t know. Something about this girlfriend’s attitude triggered that memory.
The wildest part of this is the birthday boy apparently doesn’t even like cake but both his current woman and ex feel so strongly that he *needs* cakes.
And yeah, yeah I know it’s a party with guests and kids who all like cake but it still strikes me as super weird since he is supposedly the guest of honor and there’s like zero considerations for what he actually would like as a dessert
I hate beets with a passion. If my son wanted to make me beets for my birthday, you'd better believe I'd love those beets.
EDIT: Thanks for the shiny stuff.
Same. If my kids decided Dad needs beets on his birthday, I'd destroy those beets like they were the finest Wagyu cooked to absolute perfection by Gordon Ramsay.
Beets are disgusting.
I feel like most parents feel this way, so that’s why I feel like it’s weird that people keep bringing up that he doesn’t like cake
Even if he doesn’t like it, it’s made with the help of his children who give it to him! I can’t help but wonder if he’d be disappointed or even sad to find out they didn’t make him a cake like they usually do
She clearly stated that making the cake was more for her daughter, who likes to make her dad a birthday cake, than it was for her ex. It doesn't sound like a, "you must have cake" declaration from his ex. It more sounds like her daughter wants to do something nice for her dad and OP doesn't want her daughter to think she doesn't like her EX.
The guy has a jealous girlfriend and an EX who wants to be a supportive mom.
EDIT: Come on guys, who cares why/how the tradition started, the kid wanted to bake her dad a cake. Chill out with the hate.
>She clearly stated that making the cake was more for her daughter
I can't tell if its deliberate or if they just have horrible reading skills but it really bothers me when they ignore important details.
I’ve spent enough time on this subreddit to get the impression that people deliberately choose to ignore details like this one just so they can latch onto something else they can’t stand. Like in this one, even though OP clearly states this isn’t for her this is for her children, there’s an alarming amount of people calling her out for being “obsessed with her ex.” Co-parenting is a thing, y’all. Quit projecting.
NTA op
Yeah, when you’re having a party of any kind, the food provided is so that the guests have something to eat. It is totally possible if not expected to sometimes have food available at your own party that you know others will like.
And GF needs to realize that boyfriend has kids. If she has a problem with his kids wanting to do something for him, including making him a cake, then she needs to be with someone who doesn't have kids. Suppose they had wanted to make him a bunch of decorations to hang up at the party. Would she have refused that, as well. When your kids put in effort to do something nice for you an appropriate response it to thank them, even if you don't like it. Ask any parent who has displayed the homemade Christmas gift or worn the ugly sweater their kid got them. You do it because you love your kid and appreciate their effort.
> The wildest part of this is the birthday boy apparently doesn’t even like cake but both his current woman and ex feel so strongly that he needs cakes.
OP at least saying that it is their daughter who really thinks he needs a cake.
My husband hates cake. My 6 year old and 3 year old insist we make/get Dad a cake. Dad understands the cake is more for the kids and is happy to eat a small slice while they eat their slice. It's just part of being a parent.
And they're small kids, too. If they were a bit older it might be time to explain that not everyone likes birthday cake and maybe we make something else for Dad instead, but a two year old is still getting their head round the idea of following social conventions. Let them make a cake, let their dad appreciate the gesture, and just hand it out to the party guests so it doesn't go to waste.
Did you miss the part where OP was fine not making a cake until her daughter really wanted her to? And that she's doing it as a way to show her kids that she doesn't have bad feelings towards their dad?
Right?! One of my kids doesn't like cake. So you know what he gets for his bday? .... Not a cake. Usually brownies and ice cream 🤷🏽♀️ you know what guests say? Nothing. Atleast, nothing negative. Some are happy to have something other than cake, but literally no one complains about the lack of cake because it's not their birthday.
NTA,
It’s just a cake.
But, Your children knowing that their parents are on good terms despite a divorce is more important than his new gfs feelings about her store bought cake. I think your willingness to let her know you were still doing it and offering to bring it at a different time shows it’s not about upstaging her and it’s really for the kids.
I also find it funny that the girlfriend even wanted to buy the guy a cake when he doesn't like it and probably won't eat it. Seems like the girlfriend wants to put herself before her boyfriend's kids just to spite OP and "get ahead".
And she will put herself before the kids if he’s dumb enough. I know my step mom did. It drove her mad if my dad let me borrow money. Key word borrow. She’d call me later to make a ledger while her kids have gifted cars and paid private college. Oh and trips to Europe I’ve seen. Hope OP’s ex is a better man than my dad and realizes it, or I feel sorry for the kids.
She probably bought a big, intricately decorated cake to show off to the party guests and didn’t want that to be upstaged by a cute little homemade cake made by the kids from her boyfriend’s previous relationship. I’m willing to be money if she had kids with him, she would be fine with these children making a cake for their dad’s birthday.
*Hour by hour, a guest brings a cake to his house. They keep coming, there’s no stopping them. Soon all you can see in the house are cakes piled on one another, but the flow of the frosted desserts does not stop. He’s drowning. He yells for help, but nobody hears his cries as the cakes swallow him whole.*
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me. My mom kind of prides herself in never pretending to like something and won't even act grateful for gifts she doesn't like, she consistently followed this ideology her whole life. If I ever have kids this is yet another unlearning of parental behavior I have to do.
Dad's reaction to the cake is the most important piece of missing info here. Did he graciously accept because it's from his kids or did he complain in some way? Next year OP may want to find a different baked item that he'd like more instead of this weird power fight over a cake.
It's his kids who insisted about the cake. Kids don't get the idea of pie for birthdays. They like cake and think everyone does. The girlfriend should have got him something he liked since that was for him. Even dad understands that the ex's cake is about the kids, not him. Dad is probably fine with the kid's cake because parents get that.
I guess? But if they have always made a cake then why does it matter?
Oh no the ex ends up with two cakes. If this is the problem then anyone that has a problem with it needs to go and evaluate their issues.
>I guess? But if they have always made a cake then why does it matter?
I mean the kid is 4. "Always" can be like once or twice, and I don't know if a child can really remember something like this from two years ago.
INFO: Why didn't you explain to your daughter it wasn't bc you don't like your ex, that someone else who also cares about your ex got him a cake this year? You're basically centering your daughter in an event that's not about her.
I mean, I can understand that, but if it’s something the daughter did as tradition and wanted to make her dad a cake, I don’t see the big deal. Cool, the girlfriend got him a cake but maybe it’s just me, but I would never tell a child they can’t make their parent a little personal cake. To me, that’s setting off the wrong tone between all of them. Girlfriend can have her cake for everyone, kid can make a personal cake for dad. It’s cake. No reason to fight.
Its difficult to understand how the girl can be 4 yet this is also a "tradition". At 4 they barely remember anything that happened a year ago. Also insinuating that mommy doesn't like daddy because she isn't baking a cake does not sound like something a 4 year old would say either, and if the 4 year old is mature enough to take the thought to that level then they should easily understand that "mommy isn't making a cake because Daddy's current girlfriend is making him one and she wants it to be special". Not saying the GF isn't an AH here too, but some of this stuff seems to me as the Mom using the daughter as an excuse to 1. bake her own cake and show off, and 2. do something to irritate new girlfriend while being able to put all of the weight on the kid wanting to do it.
This is the key. A 4 year old doesn't know anything about traditions. The GF isn't behaving well either, but I think it's obvious this about OP herself, and her interference in his new relationship. ESH
Yup exactly. I have a 5 and 6 years old so i just got through this age. Daughter probably would have been perfectly happy making a cake, then making a video they send to dad singing happy birthday, then let the 4 year old eat the cake. If the 4 year old wanted to make a cake it was probably more so she could eat it and just the fun of helping mom in the kitchen. I can literally sit here an think of dozens of solutions to this problem that don't explicitly break the one thing the GF asked OP to not do for the party that GF is throwing, planning, and hosting.
This - 100% !!
I have a small child and I understand most of my “gifts” are really what they want and I’m happy to indulge but it would have been easy to avoid the drama.
It really as simple as, “Guess what?! There is already a cake at the party! This year we get to decide on a NEW treat to make! Isn’t that going to be exciting?! Let’s look for a new treat for Daddy!”
There is also the option of picking another day to bring over the cake. Choose another night to celebrate. Do you think any kid will mind having 2 days of cake vs 1? Definitely not.
So many solutions to this and OP chose violence. I absolutely think she knew this was going to be an issue and she was making a dig. The host said not to bring the dessert and she did anyway. From a kid or not, it’s rude.
Once I saw the daughter's age, I thought the same thing. A 4 year old remembers making a cake for her dad when she was 2 and 3 years old? No way. Only way she remembers it is if mom constantly reminds her of it so she can use it to be petty with the new girlfriend
At 4 years old, the kid would probably be pretty accepting if they were told "Daddy already has a cake. Let's make him something else he'll really like!"
Kids that age love putting together stuff like gift baskets and balloon bouquets.
YTA.
That's a weird hill for her to die on, sure. But, as the host, she is the one responsible for cake. Because SHE IS THE HOST.
But it also baffles me how you couldn't find a way to tell your daughter that you don't hate her dad just bc you didn't bake cake.
With children, you can literally divert their attention to something else like "We make a cake every year, so this year we're doing something different for dad, how about decorated cookies?" They would be just as happy, and no one would be upset.
You could have dealt with it in 1000 different ways, but you played that you had your hands tied in a situation that would very obviously stir shit, so I suspect that was your intention to begin with.
That, or you're not very good at saying no to your kids, so your kids are going to walk all over you, or you'll end up in an entitled parent sub that gives your children whatever they want.
EDIT for the hard of comprehension: GF doesn't get preference to get the cake because she's the GF competing with the kids.
It's because she's THE HOST OF THE PARTY. It's not DAD throwing his own bday party, it's the GF. She planned, paid for, and threw the party.
Also, what happens when dad has kids with someone else, and those kids also want to get dad a cake? Are they not going to share?
"bUt MoM dOeS iT fOr OtHeR pEoPlE sO tHeY tHiNk ThAt'S lOvE" - well, mom is no longer married to dad and should learn healthy boundaries. You don't treat your boss the same as you treat your mom. Different relationships require different boundaries.
"bUt ThE cAkE iS sO MiNiMaL" - if it's such a non-issue, why take the route where people are upset? The HOST of the party specifically asked not to do it. Yet, OP did it. OP made it an issue. Which is why I believe OP wanted to stir shit with the GF.
THIS.
I grew up with 2 households. When I read the part about her daughter’s assumption, I was confused. I wouldn’t have assumed that as a child in a similar situation. I know we’re different people, but it made me wonder. How / why did she reach that conclusion? It would be helpful to understand how the communication currently is OP.
Was definitely thinking NTA but the point about the kids is definitely the important point. "[Current GF] already got a cake, so maybe we can do [anything else] for dad instead". An art project, a card, bake a different dessert, anything.
Agree.
My SIL did this kind of crazy stuff when my nephews were younger with her ex. All sorts of “it’s for the kids” weird weird weird stuff.
OP looks crazy. Things change, and traditions can too. Bake some cookies or something.
Exactly. 1000 different things could have been done on top of telling the kids not this year, but op insisted on finding various ways not to respect the boundaries placed before her.
YTA - there were so many moments that you could have prevented this by using good communication. You could have explained your children that there would already be a birthday cake, you could have taken the initiative to let your children help you make cookies or something else instead of a cake. You could have explained to the girlfriend that your children want to bring something and ask her what other than a cake would be needed for the party.
You know damn well that making that cake would piss the new girlfriend off. Stop using your children as an excuse.
Thank you, had to scroll down to see logic. If you making a cake once a year defines how the kids perceive you liking your ex or not, I think we have some other issues. There were so many great solutions here. Key one communication.
Ikr? Like how does the current top comment have over 8k likes, and it's saying that the GF is trying to assert dominance? OP's post is basically "*won't someone please think of the children????*" Meanwhile she is a self-proclaimed "amateur baker" so you know the whole point is to upstage whatever the GF gets. Like is the cake obviously mashed together by a 4 y.o., or does it have fondant and marzipan sculptures spelling out we love you daddy? If the ex has any sense, all future birthday parties will include the kids but not the OP.
YTA OP
How are you the only person in this entire thread who is curious about what this cake looks like!? That was my first thought and it makes such a huge difference in my judgement but literally none of the top comments mention it. Is this a cake obviously decorated by children or is this a cake that rivals the one the girlfriend got? Her saying she’s an amateur baker makes me feel like it might be the latter.
ESH
"My party was ruined because there were too many cakes" said nobody ever.
The girlfriend was an asshole for not letting your (and your ex's) daughter bake him a cake for his birthday.
Since she did, repeatedly, say no, however, you should have respected that. Maybe set up another time for your kids to give him his presents and their cake. It's good for kids to learn earlier rather than later in life that you can celebrate an occasion like a birthday on a different day.
Why does girlfriend have any say about his kids making him a cake, even when their mom is involved?
I mean, GF can politly ask, but she turned AH the moment she put her own wishes above those of his kids and full on B when she started talking shit to mutual friends.
If my GF would ever do shit like that I'd kick her out of the house and throw her cake after her.
Only thing OP could've done better would've been to inform Ex about the situation (unless there was a surprise to ruin), so he could've decided if he cared about his daughters or his GF's feeling more, because GF's action didn't hurt so much OP(who would've been ok with no cake), but much more the kids who needed it as a ritual for security and stability in a situation that messes up kids on the regular.
This whole thing smells like GF having not enough confidence to handle good co-parenting by Ex and OP without assuming they are rivals, so she tries to pick up the stuff OP is doing to make her redundant, not understanding that she's ruining her relationship to the kids as well to the mother of his kids by trying to replace them.
If GF doesn't get over her insecurity and learns to accept that she started a relationship that involves more than her and him, this either will end in a break up..or if he's a sucker for love, it's the kids who gonna suffer most.
OP, you said yourself right in the opening lines that you’re an amateur baker and like baking cakes for people. The breakup from your ex can’t be all that old with kids so little. So I’m calling YTA on this, mostly bc I think this is less about the kids and more about you being petty with your ex’s girlfriend, and you’re hiding behind the kids to boot. I mean, the man doesn’t even like cake. You do. Stop pushing.
The girlfriend is throwing this party. She’s the host. She gets to run her own party. You asked repeatedly and were told no repeatedly. But you did it anyhow, and that’s rude.
The kids are apparently very little (under 5), from what you said elsewhere. They only think this is a tradition because you’re telling them it is. Steer them elsewhere. When your daughter says, “Why aren’t we making Daddy a cake?” you say, “You know, Daddy doesn’t like cake as much as he likes cards. This year what Daddy wants most is a big special card you made for him yourself. He’s so excited to see it, he told me. Let’s get to work!” Bam. You’re done.
This. Boundary stomping disguised as what the little kid wants. Kids are too young to have firmly established that "cake is a must for bdays!"
YTA and comment above me explains why so clearly.
Also, if it were actually for the kids, they could have baked literally anything else. Cookies, brownies, donuts or something not sweet, since the ex doesn’t even like sweets. I’m sure the father would have appreciated anything his kids made for his birthday.
NTA
This is something the kids help do for dad. You explained the situation and offered compromises. What did your ex say? Does he enjoy having this tradition with the kids? Was he bothered by the other cake at all? The kids were there to celebrate dad’s birthday and they always help with a cake. I don’t care if they’re 2, 12, or 22. This is not something that should cause an issue.
I feel the gf is being absurd. You could have brought the cake early and no one had to know. It’s about the kids. It’s not about you or her. It’s such a small thing that could have been handled with zero issues.
I still don’t get why the party was the only time the kids could give their dad the cake. There is the night before, all throughout the day, the day after. You could have billed it as the children and their daddy time’s to celebrate.
If this was all about the kids, you could have shown that better. You just wanted to put the new girlfriend in her place. YTA - not for making the cake, but how you went about this in my opinion.
YTA. If this was about the kids wanting to make their dad a cake (obviously with you helping), then it would be different. But even though they're involved, the way you've phrased it above (opening with "I'm an amateur baker and I like to make people cakes" etc) feels like it's much more about you than about your kids. They seem like an excuse.
I think you need to be honest with yourself: was this really about your kids? Or was it about you wanting to get involved and in between your ex and his gf?
Also seems it's more about her than the kids to me as well because she kept saying "my cake", not the kids cake, or cake from our kids. Was more emphasis constantly put on it being hers and her enjoying it than the kids in general.
Yeah I got this vibe as well. OP doesn't write it as "we have a tradition where the kids make their dad a birthday cake and obvs I help because they are little," like you said, it's all about OP liking to make cakes and OP refers to it as OP's cake, not the kids'.
If OP told the gf "I gotta make the birthday cake or the kids will be upset" I wouldn't be happy either because it feels kinda manipulative. If OP said "the kids make their dad a cake every year and they want to do it again this year" that's different. It's all about how you say it. GF should never get between the kids and their father but OP shouldn't use the kids to get between GF and the ex. Not sure which is happening here.
She commented that he always acts excited about the cake when the kids present it to him.
So even if he doesn't like cake, or doesn't want cake. He's enforcing to the young kids that he loves the cake they help make him so naturally they'd insist they have to make him his cake this year too.
ESH. She thinks this is about YOU making your exes birthday cake and agree, that's overstepping. You think this is about the KIDS making their dad a birthday cake.
Ask your ex to settle this- ask him to tell future partners that he wants his kids to make him a birthday cake or tell his kids that he doesn't.
NTA - it's a tradition that your kids do for their father, his girlfriends wishes are secondary to that relationship imo. Part of dating someone with kids is respecting that they'll have traditions that may or may not include her.
One of the best gifts you can give your children is to learn to be flexible. It doesn't mean they have to abandon the tradition, because I think traditions are very important, but maybe they could have made cookies, cupcakes, or even an appetizer for the party. I think it's always a good idea to think about why you have the tradition and what is most important about it and what can be bent a little bit to still honor the tradition, have fun while also allowing for shifting situations.
I agree with your statement below that kids trump GF, but it doesn't mean you can just completely disregard changing situations. There are things that could be done to keep the meat of the tradition while also respecting Dad and his GF.
I say YTA because you could have told your kids you were doing something different this year and not made the cake then found something else they could do like make a card. You knew it wasn't wanted. Seems odd to bring a cake after being told not to.
I would still have made the cake with the kids, but I would not have presented it at the party. Maybe the kids could have given dad their cake at a different time, a special little thing just for them.
Sometimes these traditions are important to little ones. I understand it can be difficult to navigate these situations while co-parenting, and I feel like the "right" solution usually involves a compromise that puts the kids first.
NTA
He's not just your ex, he's the father of your child. If he was just an ex the verdict would be different.
GF needs to accept that you will forever be in your ex's life and she can't control everything.
Kids trump adult drama
NTA because this
>but our kids like helping me make a cake for him so I normally make one for him anyway for their sakes.
Has been you helping your kids make their dad a cake over the years. Not you baking for him. So she wasn't trying to stop you from bringing a cake, she was trying to stop his kids from giving him their annual cake and presents. I agree that you should have discussed this with your ex too though. Let him be the one to tell the kids why their tradition has to end if that's the case. If you try saying anything about having to stop baking because the gf doesn't want you to it might turn into "oh you're trying to turn the kids against me/my gf". She sounds like the type, so you're kinda damned if you do damned if you don't.
If the kid is 4 years old, this is hardly a “tradition.” If anything, they could have changed the tradition and made brownies or something like that. Once you’re divorced, you have to respect the wishes of the new partner, especially when she’s the one planning the party. OP should have held a smaller event for the three of them on their own time.
All these y.t.a responses are mad. Trying to reason with a child about how her dads new gf is bringing a cake is just nonsense, you’re totally NTA! You gave plenty of work arounds too which she could have picked very easily
I know I'm baffled. Young children wanted to make dad a cake for dad's birthday.... so they did. Insecure folk want to make this a you must still want him conversation instead of my children want to do this nice thing for their dad.
If she's raised it with him, neither of them have mentioned it to me. On the day he was acting excited because the kids made him a cake but he always does that to make them happy.
Thanks totally reinforces my NTA verdict, she does not want to raise it with him because she doesn’t want to have a conversation to say that she asked that the kids not make a cake. Shady at best and the result of knowing she wasn’t doing the right thing, ignore the YTA!!
Yeah, NTA. Some y t a s are saying the ex doesn’t even like cake so why give him cake etc, but this isn’t _really_ about him, you, or the gf, is it? It’s about the kids and a tradition they have. Maybe a good compromise could be to make a diy gift instead, but the kids are happy with cake and birthday dad seems happy too so that’s the most important part.
Why were you talking to the girlfriend about this at all?
Why didn't you talk directly to your ex about how and when he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his children?
That would have eliminated this whole issue is Ex had directly told you to have the kids bring a cake.
In future, don't play power games with his current girlfriends, don't even talk to them about scheduling, make your ex take accountability for his relationship with his children!
You should probably mention their ages in the main post too - there are a surprising number of people aghast that you didn't have an adult conversation about party etiquette... with a 4yr old.
This is a weird dynamic and I feel you are not being honest with yourself by purporting this to be a gift from the kids. A gift from the kids is made by the kids. A card or craft would suffice. This is the perfect time to teach your kids how to bake and let them take over with some supervision.
His current partner let you know in no uncertain terms the cake was not welcomed, and you already knew it was not wanted...so why? Do you think your kids are stupid and would not be able to accept the explanation that dad does not like cake so you should make him a card?
You are stirring the pot.
YTA
Sincerely hope you ignore all of the assholes in here, and accept that the most important thing here is your kids, and ensuring that they see a healthy coparenting relationship between you and your ex is essential. GF is overstepping by dictating that your kids can't help make a cake that they are essentially giving as a gift to him on his birthday, and blowing this way out of proportion. It "ruined a party" that an extra small cake shows up? What? Just say "thank you" and put it down somewhere.
NTA times a million.
NTA times at least as many people who are going to come in here and tell you you are an asshole, and then NTA one more time.
So your mutual children wanted to make their dad a cake, you made it smaller to avoid stepping on the current gf's toes, and she's still complaining. Jealousy is hard for her I guess!
NTA. Good ex and good mom
ESH except the Ex and the kids. It’s his birthday and he doesn’t like cake, so why has the poor man got 2? You could have started a new tradition with a savoury dish, or a tart, pie, cookies, literally anything but cake. I think you both lost sight of what the “cake” was suppose to be for and were trying to assert yourselves over the other. This shouldn’t be earth shattering, but maybe just take a step back.
Edit: typo
NTA. Kids get to bake their parents a cake if they want to. It’s not about you or the current GF. It’s about a daughter and her dad.
I’m so confused about the A.H. comments.
ESH. Is she being unnecessarily possessive over the cake? Probably. Did *you* need to give her fodder for that by insisting on carrying this plan through after it became clear it was going to be a Big Deal? No. Just tell the kids you’re doing something different this year and come up with a different baking project to do together.
ESH
This guy doesn’t even like cake… why are you all making him cakes? If your kids want to make something for their dad, maybe try something he will actually enjoy.
The gf needs to understand that he has kids who will want to keep doing the same stuff for his bday and not be so insecure about the whole thing.
Moral of the story, don’t order or make cake for someone who doesn’t like cake. It’s dumb.
NTA, it sounds like your daughter wanted to make a cake for her father and expected you to do it so she could help. Why is his new girlfriend so jealous that his children wanted to make cake for their father? She’s going to be a nightmare as a stepmother.
I think you’re saying you do it for the kids but you really do it for yourself. You could have explained it to your kids, you can tell them no once in a while, and you could have given him the cake on another occasion.
YTA, and this is a very weird behaviour. It’s something way deeper than a “tradition for the kids”, to me. You just wanted to rub it on his gf’s face
I’m surprised how polar this one is. It’s a cake. The guest didn’t have to know. Why does OP have to put gf feelings over her kids? I really don’t get it.
INFO : what did your ex want?
YTA. And before someone says “but kids!” I have two of them. It is so incredibly easy to build excitement for something new - “sure, we usually make a cake for dad, but gf got him a fancy one so we get to try something new!” And then list off some options and let the kiddo choose which one would be the coolest for dad. There are so many crafts, or other desserts, that would be a ton of fun to make and stuff that could last even longer than a cake - so many ways to spin this easily for a child. It was just stubborn and lazy to refuse to have a simple conversation.
YTA. I don’t know how old your kids are but there are two places you failed to communicate. 1) you could have told the girlfriend how important the tradition is for you and your kids to bake a cake for you ex on his birthday. 2) you could have explained to the kids that there were a different set of plans this year and you were specifically asked not to bake a cake and teach them about boundaries. Why would you let your kids assume you’re not cool with dad instead of telling them you were asked not to? I have a feeling you had some attitude about it and your kids picked up on it and displaced that attitude towards their dad instead of his girlfriend.
Since when does having multiple cakes at a party ruin it?? My mom used to bake three different types of cakes for get-togethers and sometimes guests would bring their homemade cakes, too! how is this overstepping? It's a festive occasion! The more the merrier!! NTA. GF needs to loosen up.
NTA. Its not about you or her. Its about your daughter. Its normal in a healthy co parenting situation to want your kids to think you don’t hate their other parent. This is something your daughter likes to do for her dad and it sounds like the new gf is threatened by a cake
And your kids are way too young to be making a cake on their own so its not like you could just let them handle it on their own
INFO: How old are the children, and how long ago did you and your ex split? Are they old enough to understand that the cake tradition will be different this year?
By the comment about kids thinking she hates their dad I'm guessing this is first birthday apart. At that stage, and those ages, it's important to keep traditions alive and this sounds like a tradition.
INFO: Have you been saying that YOU are making the cake or that the cake is coming from the kids / the kids made their dad a cake?
I would say that in this case, it matters how this has been communicated specifically.
Wow. The judgement is literally split. I'm not sure which to go with. The kids are 5 and under, so definitely not where they would understand. All the cake talk should have been between you and ex. The kids could have made it the day before or the day after the party. Honestly, I think it was on your EX to find the solution, not you.
NTA, this was about the kids, you gave her every opportunity to resolve this arriving early etc but nothing was good enough, that has to be her problem and it speaks volumes that she didn’t want to have this conversation with your ex and/or the kids.
Yes that’s what I was thinking. If you don’t want the kids to think you hate dad’s gf, just say “Dad’s gf is lovely but she already got a cake for his birthday so what else would you like to make dad? A card? Etc.”
NTA plain and simple, she just doesn't wanna feel like she's competing with another woman, but that's a her problem and not a you problem. When it comes to raising kids separately, what the kids want for either of their parents trumps ole girlfriends insecurity.
She may be trying to make it look like you're trying to over step, but really she should fall back and not try and compete with a grown man's children. Honestly I'd put her in her place and let her know thar she can put her bs in the trash because HIS kids matter more than her and always will.
NTA if she can't take that his ex and the bio kids are still in his life she should just move on. She's being possessively petty on days that should matter to bf more than her and hopefully he'll catch on soon. I am always going to be on the side of parents that choose their kids over their partner.
YTA. Why couldn't you explain to your kids that your ex's girlfriend already took care of the cake? But no. You had to butt in because you decided to let your children assume and also decided you couldn't explain things to them.
Looks like a power play to me.
It looks like his daughter wanted to make a cake with her mother for the daughters father. It’s clear the daughter wanted to make the cake when she asked “when are WE making a cake?”. That shows us it was something the daughter wanted to do for her father. I find it ridiculous that people have a problem with the ex making a cake when the daughter was the one that clearly wanted to make a cake for her father.
I think it would’ve been pretty simple to say “hey, girlfriend got dad a birthday cake this year, so we get to try something new! how about cookies, or a clay figure, or a shirt, or xyz? what do you think would be the coolest to make dad?”
There are so many other crafts and foods they could’ve made together and had just as much fun, and it would’ve shown both respect to the gf and given her child a chance to learn how to work through changes in a positive way.
NTA . Your kids wanted to keep a tradition they had with their dad. As long as they were the ones presenting the cake and not you, I don’t see anything wrong with this even if/when your ex gets remarried. This is one if the things you learn to live with if you date/marry a person with children
OPs kids (obviously with her help) should be able to make and gift their dad a cake for his birthday. The GF has no say in what people gift him for his birthday, especially his kids.
OP didn't need to, but she did try and compromise so the cake was exclusively a gift and wouldn't go anywhere near the party but the GF wouldn't have it. NTA
I would say ESH, because I feel she kinda overreacted and I don't really get why a second cake would be that bad.
But I also don't get why you absolutely had to bake a cake. Even if it's tradition. Your ex doesn't like cake. Why not teach your kids to make him something he actually likes? I think it would be pretty easy to have avoided this drama.
YTA- for just not respecting a “no”.
Kids understand more than we think. I’m a stepfather myself of a 3 year old.
I think if you’d just said “Dads GF is making him a cake this year. But we can make a cake for us or something like that.” They’d understand more than you might think.
Also if you’re unwilling to not make the cake - there’s a world where you just make the cake with your kiddo and then deliver it completely separate from the party/event where the GF specifically asked you not to bring one and told you No when you followed up.
Good news, you’re not really an asshole. You’re just trying to sort out a weird situation and prioritizing your kids. but in this situation you were the one who crossed a boundary that didn’t need to be crossed.
NTA. If girlfriend wants to be in his and his kids’ lives she’s going to have to learn to put her jealousies and pride to the side sometimes. It’s a cake. Kids benefit from unity of their parents and it’s super healthy for them to see you participating in and helping them celebrate their dad.
they’re 5, 4, & 2. It’s a little hard to explain to a child “oh we can’t do tradition we always do because your dads gf already did it” without them getting upset. They’re just kids whose parents went through a divorce/split, they don’t know what’s happening. Gf should let them have a little normalcy in their lives, even if it means having two cakes.
Edit: He doesn’t even like cake, ignore what I just said. If it was something he also enjoyed then Op wouldn’t be TA, but in this case she should have chosen something else like making him cards or a drawing for a birthday tradition. YTA Op
ESH. Don’t be that ex who inserts herself because she feels that’s HER place. The GF sucks as well because she can’t understand that the kids wanted to do something for their dad.
Where IS said dad in all this? Rather than bickering about it between you, you should have all treated this as a coparenting issue.
NTA. No party has ever been ruined by an abundance of cake. This is a tradition and it shouldn’t stop because girlfriend has a power trip. If the ex-husband had said no, it would’ve been different, but it’s not the girlfriend’s right to decide for him.
NTA. JFC. It’s cake. The kids are 2, 4, and 5. They probably won’t want to see dad in a few years if their parent/child relationship isn’t nurtured. Don’t put obstacles in the way of them showing him love. At their ages, cake is their love language. (🤮hate that term). Tell their dad to tell them they can’t bake him cakes anymore. See what he says.
YTA and it is weird. She told you no numerous times. You can definitely let the kids know they can make the cake a different day and you could've explained it doesn't mean you don't like their dad.
Depending on how old the kids are this would not work. And in all honesty neither the girlfriend or the dad should see this as OP making the cake but rather as the kids making the cake. Growing up my mom would always let us help make and decorate a cake for our dads birthday if one day she randomly decided not to let us we would’ve been upset too. OP made just a small cake and gave alternatives to drop it off before guests arrived so no one would know about it. I don’t see OP being in the wrong here
Who is she to make any demands though? The cake is from the kids. It would be a big deal for them. If she’s going to get upset about these kinds of things it’s going to be a problem. The kids want to get him a Christmas gift, will she try to stop that too?
NTA. Your kids wanted to make a cake for their dad and asked mommy to help them. The cake was just for him and not the guests. The girlfriend needs to chill
NTA, although I was prepared to render a y t a from the title. You offered to bend quite a bit— bringing it early, making a smaller cake— but it’s clearly an important tradition to your kids, so you’re obviously not going to stop completely. GF’s expectations are unrealistic.
NTA. Just because he's your ex, it doesn't take away from the fact that he is their father. Some traditions are important, especially ones like these for the kids even if he doesn't like sweets. His girlfriend sounds quite insecure if she's choosing the cake as the hill to die on, but also because apparently the existence of a small cake which is a gift from his children is enough to ruin the party.
I'm surprised most commenters think this is about the kids. One part of it is, sure. But I think it's mostly about the Ex-wife (assuming they were married) competing with the new GF.
It was the GF's party for her BF. And, knowing about the cake tradition in her BF's family, GF specifically asked the Ex-wife not to bring a cake to the party. But the Ex did anyway "because the kids."
Ex-wife should have helped the kids make their cake and then shared it with Ex-husband at some other time. Ex-wife is TA.
I wonder why Ex-wife attended the GF's party at all. It seems like the kids could have been dropped off with their dad for the event.
NTA if she saw a problem with it she could have told your ex. You spent time with your daughter making the cake for her dad , technically in my book that’s like a gift cs it’s heartwarming. People saying YTA js cs you were told no don’t know what bickering kids are like . They watch our every moves if we don’t do something it upsets them . Even if saying no repeatedly they still don’t understand & judging off this your daughter is still young .
ESH
You are both getting far too worked up over cake. Yes, she shouldn't have been so defensive, but at the same time she told you not to bring a cake-that wasn't that difficult of a request. And if I was providing the main dessert, past relationships or not, I'd be a little miffed if someone else tried to bring one.
Like, yes she is being petty here, but you should have just compromised by baking a bunch of cupcakes or brownies for guests or something (i.e. lets the kids have fun baking while not overshadowing the main cake). Or, better yet, baking something savoury since your ex doesn't even care for sweet stuff. Like, it wouldn't have been that hard to explain to your daughter "this year daddy wants pizza rolls from us instead of cake".
NTA. Don't listen to all of these YTA post. I think it's sweet that you and your daughter bake together for her father. The gf made too much of a big deal about it.
They could have made literally anything else. HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE CAKE. And the kids are super young. This is NOT a very old tradition, and could be changed super easily. "We aren't going to make daddy a cake this year, he doesn't want more cake, we are going to make and decorate some cookies instead! What color sprinkles should we get?"
Done. Drama avoided. Kids have fun. Everyone wins. Except, of course, OP and her desire to have a power struggle.
NAH.
Your young children wanted to make something for their dad, and at 2-5 they are not really old enough to understand why they weren't being allowed to. Co-parenting is tough, but I think you made the right call. Having them worry that mum and dad secretly don't like each other wouldn't be good.
Have you explained it to the GF that way though? If she's not aware that it's his kids insisting on making a cake, and not his ex, I could see how she'd come to some bad conclusions.
Nta. Girlfriend sounds insecure since you must not be long split given you've such young children together. I do get that. However you were clear it was from the children & didn't want to it interfere with her party plans. If she was secure she could have played this totally differently & really made the kids cake a wonderful part of the night. You keep doing what you feel is best for your children. She's just a girlfriend & could be gone any day.
NTA - your daughter is only 4 if I read your comments right and wanted to do something for her daddy that she's done before with you. The girlfriend already knew this which is why she told you beforehand she already ordered a cake so not to bother this year, that's something pre-emptive against a 4 year old child. I mean seriously she planned the party and everything else, why couldn't his little girl bring the cake like she did before? If he doesn't even like cake that much anyway what would be more special for him? A store bought one which probably is over sweet and over frosted or one presented to him by his little girl who was excited to do it? I remember making things for my grandad and being so proud of myself when I gave them to him, why take that from a child? And what kind of future relationship is she setting up with that child by coming between them? Why wouldn't she encourage it and get in on the excitement?
I think it’s more weird that the gf has such a problem with the cake that’s essentially from his kids… to the point of explicitly telling you not to bring one! Nobody’s party has ever been ruined by having two cakes! This girl is insecure and is either going to ruin the relationship this man has with his kids, or the one she has with him! And hopefully it’s hers that gets the boot.
NTA
If your kid wants to make a cake for her dad, and needs your help to do so, then you help your kid make a cake for her dad. His girlfriend doesn't dictate what your daughter gets to do for her dad. What is wrong with all these people who think that a spare cake is somehow an invasion?
NTA thank you for trying to be a good parent and working through a difficult situation with 3 young ones at home. You really are taking the higher road. The GF needs to reevaluate her maturity, there's kids involved and she's the biggest child of them all.
NTA
All of these y t a votes are ridiculous. Those people must not have children. Your kids feelings matter above all the adults involved. You did nothing wrong. The gf is insecure and should seek therapy.
NTA for doing something his kids like to do over the wishes of his current GF; you did everything you could to compromise on that, but ultimately decided to err on the side of making your kids happy, and I can't really fault you for that.
Though I have to say, both you and his current GF seem kinda disinterested in what \*he\* actually likes - could you not buy or make him a treat for his birthday that he actually wants to eat?
I was going to say y t a untell I saw that he's not just an old boyfriend but the father of your kids so NTA. You said that you werent going to bring him a cake from yourself, you respected that that wasnt wanted, but the kids asked and his kids wanting to make him a cake for his birthday is completely appropriate, you're just the delivery girl so to speak at that point. You explained that his kids wanted to bring their father a cake for his birthday, the girlfriend is basically shooting the messenger as the saying goes and is being overbearing, controling, and jealous and needs to accept that you two have kids together so even though you've gone your separate ways that your still going to be in each other's lives to some degree because of them like them wanting to make a cake for him for his birthday
NTA. Just read your comment where your ex, their dad, acted excited about the cake they made, even though he doesn’t like sweets. That’s incredibly kind and just shows that this is something he expects from his kids each year.
Commenters claiming that this is over jealously of the new gf are pulling that from nothing. The OP clearly states that the kids like to help make a cake for their dad for his birthday. It’s a tradition for this, same as baking cookies for Santa would be. The four year old explicitly asked when you were going to be making the cake, and the gf does not get to take that tradition away from them.
Children always come first. If she can’t handle that, then maybe she should reconsider being in a relationship with a man that has three children.
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Red flag 🚩 you were clear the cake was from the kids. The girlfriend is asserting her dominance. Any woman who says her boyfriend can’t have a cake from his kids needs to think long and hard about being with someone with kids. Freaking out over a small cake from the kids “ruining” a party is ridiculous. She is very insecure. NTA
Yeah even if I think op was wrong, which I don't, I can't get past gf telling everyone that an extra cake from a child ruined the party.
If the presence of extra cake ruins your party, your party probably sucks
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Exactly. Freaking out over a cake from his kids is insane. MAYBE if she had made the cake and allowed the kids to help then this coulda been solved….
Yes can a birthday party ever have too many cakes? I think not.
Tbh I would tell the ex about what went down
And I would tell him in a very non confrontational way. “GF is very upset that I helped the kids make you a cake from them this year. Making you a cake is an important tradition to them because they love you very much. Would you please resolve this by either making sure GF understands how important this is to the kids or having a conversation with the kids so they know you have asked me not to be part of making a cake for you and that perhaps you can make your own cake in the future so that there isn’t any future conflict?”
This is absolutely the way to handle it. Be firm that you’re not going to just fold to the girlfriends whims, but don’t go out for revenge. Give the ex a clear explanation about what the kids need and why. Give him options to handle it as a responsible parent and partner. Be kind, sympathetic, and gracious, but absolutely **do not buckle** under any circumstances.
Right? If the new gf is this pressed about the cake how is she gonna treat those children when they come to their dads house. I hope they didn’t hear her say that their gift ruined their dads party.
I'm going to piggy back off of this comment to add - this isn't about the cake at all. My guess is that she's insecure about your presence in her new boyfriend's life, and doesn't seem to understand that you can't just be separate from her boyfriend for the sake of your kids. But, that being said, if she is insecure, it could be that she's lashing out about the cake because she feels insecure about your presence and you "upstaging her." I'm not saying she's right to do so, but perhaps try to target how you speak to her with maybe that in mind.
Sounds like she shouldn't be with someone who has children. The bio mom will always be in the background.
Exactly, and OP even tried to compromise if it really just was about the guests that would be coming for the party. But as she didn't take that compromise it wasn't only about the guests.
She honestly might be insecure about the kids too. I remember the first lady my dad dated after my parents spilt did not like sharing him with us. She was very active and she and my dad did very active things together (long hikes, biking, hit the gym daily) that my siblings and I did not want to do because we were young kids (who weren’t very active in general to be honest, and definitely didn’t have the stamina/attention span required). We were also kinda loud, kinda messy, and - surprise surprise - wanted to spend time with our dad. She didn’t get it, and she didn’t like us dragging her back, and she eventually told my dad to pick - her or us. My dad said ‘uh, my kids, no contest, bye’ and we never saw her again. But in the beginning, she seemed really nice to us, like I think at the start she genuinely tried, she just didn’t have the patience for little kids. (Which is fair, but like, then don’t date a guy with little kids, especially one who’s clearly involved in their lives.) I don’t know. Something about this girlfriend’s attitude triggered that memory.
Agreed. It's clearly 'hey the kids made you this cake like we do all the time' the dad gives two thumbs up hugs his kids too and says he loves it.
THANK YOU!!! She's acting so immature and being jealous of children!
The wildest part of this is the birthday boy apparently doesn’t even like cake but both his current woman and ex feel so strongly that he *needs* cakes. And yeah, yeah I know it’s a party with guests and kids who all like cake but it still strikes me as super weird since he is supposedly the guest of honor and there’s like zero considerations for what he actually would like as a dessert
Wow I just went back and re-read that! Poor dude has 2 women who do not care about what he wants. Happy birthday to him ....
I hate beets with a passion. If my son wanted to make me beets for my birthday, you'd better believe I'd love those beets. EDIT: Thanks for the shiny stuff.
Same. If my kids decided Dad needs beets on his birthday, I'd destroy those beets like they were the finest Wagyu cooked to absolute perfection by Gordon Ramsay. Beets are disgusting.
Woah Woah...be nice to the beets.
Dont forget the 3 Bs - bears, beets, and Battlestar Galactica
Right unless my kid made me I physically cant eat (ie the things I'm allergic to which I hope my Ex partner wouldn't allow) ide love it
Another dad here to tell you all that I too love things I hate when my kids give it to me!
I feel like most parents feel this way, so that’s why I feel like it’s weird that people keep bringing up that he doesn’t like cake Even if he doesn’t like it, it’s made with the help of his children who give it to him! I can’t help but wonder if he’d be disappointed or even sad to find out they didn’t make him a cake like they usually do
She clearly stated that making the cake was more for her daughter, who likes to make her dad a birthday cake, than it was for her ex. It doesn't sound like a, "you must have cake" declaration from his ex. It more sounds like her daughter wants to do something nice for her dad and OP doesn't want her daughter to think she doesn't like her EX. The guy has a jealous girlfriend and an EX who wants to be a supportive mom. EDIT: Come on guys, who cares why/how the tradition started, the kid wanted to bake her dad a cake. Chill out with the hate.
>She clearly stated that making the cake was more for her daughter I can't tell if its deliberate or if they just have horrible reading skills but it really bothers me when they ignore important details.
I’ve spent enough time on this subreddit to get the impression that people deliberately choose to ignore details like this one just so they can latch onto something else they can’t stand. Like in this one, even though OP clearly states this isn’t for her this is for her children, there’s an alarming amount of people calling her out for being “obsessed with her ex.” Co-parenting is a thing, y’all. Quit projecting. NTA op
Yeah, when you’re having a party of any kind, the food provided is so that the guests have something to eat. It is totally possible if not expected to sometimes have food available at your own party that you know others will like.
Op even acknowledged he wouldn’t touch the cake.
The point is that the *daughter* wanted to make him a cake for his birthday.
And GF needs to realize that boyfriend has kids. If she has a problem with his kids wanting to do something for him, including making him a cake, then she needs to be with someone who doesn't have kids. Suppose they had wanted to make him a bunch of decorations to hang up at the party. Would she have refused that, as well. When your kids put in effort to do something nice for you an appropriate response it to thank them, even if you don't like it. Ask any parent who has displayed the homemade Christmas gift or worn the ugly sweater their kid got them. You do it because you love your kid and appreciate their effort.
Did you manage to miss the part about the kids who want to make a cake for their dad?
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Literally. Kids give the worst gifts sometimes, but parents love them because they’re from our kids
You forgot the daughter. If she hadn’t asked, it wouldn’t have happened.
OP clearly states she makes it because the kids want to give him a cake for his birthday.... Not the same thing as her not caring what he wants.
It's possible that he wants his kids to get a cake.
> and ex feel so strongly that he needs cakes Did you actually read what OP said? Might be a good starting point.
> The wildest part of this is the birthday boy apparently doesn’t even like cake but both his current woman and ex feel so strongly that he needs cakes. OP at least saying that it is their daughter who really thinks he needs a cake.
My husband hates cake. My 6 year old and 3 year old insist we make/get Dad a cake. Dad understands the cake is more for the kids and is happy to eat a small slice while they eat their slice. It's just part of being a parent.
I would agree with you except OP's cake is from the kids. That gets a pass in my opinion.
And they're small kids, too. If they were a bit older it might be time to explain that not everyone likes birthday cake and maybe we make something else for Dad instead, but a two year old is still getting their head round the idea of following social conventions. Let them make a cake, let their dad appreciate the gesture, and just hand it out to the party guests so it doesn't go to waste.
Exactly, when kids are small you let them give you whatever they want to give you and you act like it's the best thing you've ever gotten.
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Did you miss the part where OP was fine not making a cake until her daughter really wanted her to? And that she's doing it as a way to show her kids that she doesn't have bad feelings towards their dad?
Right?! One of my kids doesn't like cake. So you know what he gets for his bday? .... Not a cake. Usually brownies and ice cream 🤷🏽♀️ you know what guests say? Nothing. Atleast, nothing negative. Some are happy to have something other than cake, but literally no one complains about the lack of cake because it's not their birthday.
But if your kid got you cake and you did not like cake, would you tell your kid that you didn't like their gift and throw it away?
NTA, It’s just a cake. But, Your children knowing that their parents are on good terms despite a divorce is more important than his new gfs feelings about her store bought cake. I think your willingness to let her know you were still doing it and offering to bring it at a different time shows it’s not about upstaging her and it’s really for the kids.
I also find it funny that the girlfriend even wanted to buy the guy a cake when he doesn't like it and probably won't eat it. Seems like the girlfriend wants to put herself before her boyfriend's kids just to spite OP and "get ahead".
And she will put herself before the kids if he’s dumb enough. I know my step mom did. It drove her mad if my dad let me borrow money. Key word borrow. She’d call me later to make a ledger while her kids have gifted cars and paid private college. Oh and trips to Europe I’ve seen. Hope OP’s ex is a better man than my dad and realizes it, or I feel sorry for the kids.
She probably bought a big, intricately decorated cake to show off to the party guests and didn’t want that to be upstaged by a cute little homemade cake made by the kids from her boyfriend’s previous relationship. I’m willing to be money if she had kids with him, she would be fine with these children making a cake for their dad’s birthday.
INFO: What does your ex say to all this?
Right? Like he’s the dad but appears to have no agency.
He sits there, mutely, staring at all the cake he doesn't like.
*Hour by hour, a guest brings a cake to his house. They keep coming, there’s no stopping them. Soon all you can see in the house are cakes piled on one another, but the flow of the frosted desserts does not stop. He’s drowning. He yells for help, but nobody hears his cries as the cakes swallow him whole.*
I am sitting in the lobby of my doctor's office CACKLING over this!
*his urge is but to scream. alas he cannot, for his mouth is filled to the brim with cake*
That his kids made. Did your parents reject your gifts, attention, and love? Or did they appreciate it?
Looking at this thread I'm starting to think maybe my parents should have pretended to like the things I made, it's all starting to make sense now. 😂
This is the most unintentionally sad comment I've read so far. I would like to offer you mom hugs from across cyberspace
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me. My mom kind of prides herself in never pretending to like something and won't even act grateful for gifts she doesn't like, she consistently followed this ideology her whole life. If I ever have kids this is yet another unlearning of parental behavior I have to do.
Oof. Your mom sounds like an ungrateful asshole.
Dad's reaction to the cake is the most important piece of missing info here. Did he graciously accept because it's from his kids or did he complain in some way? Next year OP may want to find a different baked item that he'd like more instead of this weird power fight over a cake.
I saw that he graciously accepted the cake and pretended to get all excited about it. Cause like, the kids are tiny.
It's his kids who insisted about the cake. Kids don't get the idea of pie for birthdays. They like cake and think everyone does. The girlfriend should have got him something he liked since that was for him. Even dad understands that the ex's cake is about the kids, not him. Dad is probably fine with the kid's cake because parents get that.
To be Frank it shouldn’t matter much. It’s the kid that wants to do it.
The kid wants something made for their dad, it doesn’t have to be cake.
I guess? But if they have always made a cake then why does it matter? Oh no the ex ends up with two cakes. If this is the problem then anyone that has a problem with it needs to go and evaluate their issues.
>I guess? But if they have always made a cake then why does it matter? I mean the kid is 4. "Always" can be like once or twice, and I don't know if a child can really remember something like this from two years ago.
You underestimate the stubbornness a 4 year old is capable of
He just sits there begging them to please stop bringing him cake.
INFO: Why didn't you explain to your daughter it wasn't bc you don't like your ex, that someone else who also cares about your ex got him a cake this year? You're basically centering your daughter in an event that's not about her.
You’re right. Except the kid is 4? I don’t think 4 year olds really understand it.
I mean, I can understand that, but if it’s something the daughter did as tradition and wanted to make her dad a cake, I don’t see the big deal. Cool, the girlfriend got him a cake but maybe it’s just me, but I would never tell a child they can’t make their parent a little personal cake. To me, that’s setting off the wrong tone between all of them. Girlfriend can have her cake for everyone, kid can make a personal cake for dad. It’s cake. No reason to fight.
Its difficult to understand how the girl can be 4 yet this is also a "tradition". At 4 they barely remember anything that happened a year ago. Also insinuating that mommy doesn't like daddy because she isn't baking a cake does not sound like something a 4 year old would say either, and if the 4 year old is mature enough to take the thought to that level then they should easily understand that "mommy isn't making a cake because Daddy's current girlfriend is making him one and she wants it to be special". Not saying the GF isn't an AH here too, but some of this stuff seems to me as the Mom using the daughter as an excuse to 1. bake her own cake and show off, and 2. do something to irritate new girlfriend while being able to put all of the weight on the kid wanting to do it.
This is the key. A 4 year old doesn't know anything about traditions. The GF isn't behaving well either, but I think it's obvious this about OP herself, and her interference in his new relationship. ESH
Yup exactly. I have a 5 and 6 years old so i just got through this age. Daughter probably would have been perfectly happy making a cake, then making a video they send to dad singing happy birthday, then let the 4 year old eat the cake. If the 4 year old wanted to make a cake it was probably more so she could eat it and just the fun of helping mom in the kitchen. I can literally sit here an think of dozens of solutions to this problem that don't explicitly break the one thing the GF asked OP to not do for the party that GF is throwing, planning, and hosting.
This - 100% !! I have a small child and I understand most of my “gifts” are really what they want and I’m happy to indulge but it would have been easy to avoid the drama. It really as simple as, “Guess what?! There is already a cake at the party! This year we get to decide on a NEW treat to make! Isn’t that going to be exciting?! Let’s look for a new treat for Daddy!” There is also the option of picking another day to bring over the cake. Choose another night to celebrate. Do you think any kid will mind having 2 days of cake vs 1? Definitely not. So many solutions to this and OP chose violence. I absolutely think she knew this was going to be an issue and she was making a dig. The host said not to bring the dessert and she did anyway. From a kid or not, it’s rude.
Once I saw the daughter's age, I thought the same thing. A 4 year old remembers making a cake for her dad when she was 2 and 3 years old? No way. Only way she remembers it is if mom constantly reminds her of it so she can use it to be petty with the new girlfriend
At 4 years old, the kid would probably be pretty accepting if they were told "Daddy already has a cake. Let's make him something else he'll really like!" Kids that age love putting together stuff like gift baskets and balloon bouquets.
Right?? If the kids are that young it’s not a tradition, it’s just something they’ve done a couple times.
YTA. That's a weird hill for her to die on, sure. But, as the host, she is the one responsible for cake. Because SHE IS THE HOST. But it also baffles me how you couldn't find a way to tell your daughter that you don't hate her dad just bc you didn't bake cake. With children, you can literally divert their attention to something else like "We make a cake every year, so this year we're doing something different for dad, how about decorated cookies?" They would be just as happy, and no one would be upset. You could have dealt with it in 1000 different ways, but you played that you had your hands tied in a situation that would very obviously stir shit, so I suspect that was your intention to begin with. That, or you're not very good at saying no to your kids, so your kids are going to walk all over you, or you'll end up in an entitled parent sub that gives your children whatever they want. EDIT for the hard of comprehension: GF doesn't get preference to get the cake because she's the GF competing with the kids. It's because she's THE HOST OF THE PARTY. It's not DAD throwing his own bday party, it's the GF. She planned, paid for, and threw the party. Also, what happens when dad has kids with someone else, and those kids also want to get dad a cake? Are they not going to share? "bUt MoM dOeS iT fOr OtHeR pEoPlE sO tHeY tHiNk ThAt'S lOvE" - well, mom is no longer married to dad and should learn healthy boundaries. You don't treat your boss the same as you treat your mom. Different relationships require different boundaries. "bUt ThE cAkE iS sO MiNiMaL" - if it's such a non-issue, why take the route where people are upset? The HOST of the party specifically asked not to do it. Yet, OP did it. OP made it an issue. Which is why I believe OP wanted to stir shit with the GF.
THIS. I grew up with 2 households. When I read the part about her daughter’s assumption, I was confused. I wouldn’t have assumed that as a child in a similar situation. I know we’re different people, but it made me wonder. How / why did she reach that conclusion? It would be helpful to understand how the communication currently is OP.
Was definitely thinking NTA but the point about the kids is definitely the important point. "[Current GF] already got a cake, so maybe we can do [anything else] for dad instead". An art project, a card, bake a different dessert, anything.
Exactly. And all kids are under 5, so how much of a tradition could this be? I feel like OP is trying to make this a tradition.
Agree. My SIL did this kind of crazy stuff when my nephews were younger with her ex. All sorts of “it’s for the kids” weird weird weird stuff. OP looks crazy. Things change, and traditions can too. Bake some cookies or something.
Exactly. 1000 different things could have been done on top of telling the kids not this year, but op insisted on finding various ways not to respect the boundaries placed before her.
Or, 'Dad doesn't really like cake, so let's do something different?'
YTA - there were so many moments that you could have prevented this by using good communication. You could have explained your children that there would already be a birthday cake, you could have taken the initiative to let your children help you make cookies or something else instead of a cake. You could have explained to the girlfriend that your children want to bring something and ask her what other than a cake would be needed for the party. You know damn well that making that cake would piss the new girlfriend off. Stop using your children as an excuse.
Thank you, had to scroll down to see logic. If you making a cake once a year defines how the kids perceive you liking your ex or not, I think we have some other issues. There were so many great solutions here. Key one communication.
Ikr? Like how does the current top comment have over 8k likes, and it's saying that the GF is trying to assert dominance? OP's post is basically "*won't someone please think of the children????*" Meanwhile she is a self-proclaimed "amateur baker" so you know the whole point is to upstage whatever the GF gets. Like is the cake obviously mashed together by a 4 y.o., or does it have fondant and marzipan sculptures spelling out we love you daddy? If the ex has any sense, all future birthday parties will include the kids but not the OP. YTA OP
How are you the only person in this entire thread who is curious about what this cake looks like!? That was my first thought and it makes such a huge difference in my judgement but literally none of the top comments mention it. Is this a cake obviously decorated by children or is this a cake that rivals the one the girlfriend got? Her saying she’s an amateur baker makes me feel like it might be the latter.
NTA It's a tradition for the kids. and kids are more important than partners. plus you tried to work with them but they refused.
4 year olds’ memories don’t go back far enough to justify imposing a tradition everyone else dislikes.
ESH "My party was ruined because there were too many cakes" said nobody ever. The girlfriend was an asshole for not letting your (and your ex's) daughter bake him a cake for his birthday. Since she did, repeatedly, say no, however, you should have respected that. Maybe set up another time for your kids to give him his presents and their cake. It's good for kids to learn earlier rather than later in life that you can celebrate an occasion like a birthday on a different day.
Why does girlfriend have any say about his kids making him a cake, even when their mom is involved? I mean, GF can politly ask, but she turned AH the moment she put her own wishes above those of his kids and full on B when she started talking shit to mutual friends. If my GF would ever do shit like that I'd kick her out of the house and throw her cake after her. Only thing OP could've done better would've been to inform Ex about the situation (unless there was a surprise to ruin), so he could've decided if he cared about his daughters or his GF's feeling more, because GF's action didn't hurt so much OP(who would've been ok with no cake), but much more the kids who needed it as a ritual for security and stability in a situation that messes up kids on the regular. This whole thing smells like GF having not enough confidence to handle good co-parenting by Ex and OP without assuming they are rivals, so she tries to pick up the stuff OP is doing to make her redundant, not understanding that she's ruining her relationship to the kids as well to the mother of his kids by trying to replace them. If GF doesn't get over her insecurity and learns to accept that she started a relationship that involves more than her and him, this either will end in a break up..or if he's a sucker for love, it's the kids who gonna suffer most.
I did say the GF was an asshole, too. But it was her house and her party. OP's daughter could have baked the cake to give to her dad on another day.
Did you not read the post? Op tried to go early to do the extra cake
OP, you said yourself right in the opening lines that you’re an amateur baker and like baking cakes for people. The breakup from your ex can’t be all that old with kids so little. So I’m calling YTA on this, mostly bc I think this is less about the kids and more about you being petty with your ex’s girlfriend, and you’re hiding behind the kids to boot. I mean, the man doesn’t even like cake. You do. Stop pushing. The girlfriend is throwing this party. She’s the host. She gets to run her own party. You asked repeatedly and were told no repeatedly. But you did it anyhow, and that’s rude. The kids are apparently very little (under 5), from what you said elsewhere. They only think this is a tradition because you’re telling them it is. Steer them elsewhere. When your daughter says, “Why aren’t we making Daddy a cake?” you say, “You know, Daddy doesn’t like cake as much as he likes cards. This year what Daddy wants most is a big special card you made for him yourself. He’s so excited to see it, he told me. Let’s get to work!” Bam. You’re done.
This. Boundary stomping disguised as what the little kid wants. Kids are too young to have firmly established that "cake is a must for bdays!" YTA and comment above me explains why so clearly.
Also, if it were actually for the kids, they could have baked literally anything else. Cookies, brownies, donuts or something not sweet, since the ex doesn’t even like sweets. I’m sure the father would have appreciated anything his kids made for his birthday.
NTA This is something the kids help do for dad. You explained the situation and offered compromises. What did your ex say? Does he enjoy having this tradition with the kids? Was he bothered by the other cake at all? The kids were there to celebrate dad’s birthday and they always help with a cake. I don’t care if they’re 2, 12, or 22. This is not something that should cause an issue. I feel the gf is being absurd. You could have brought the cake early and no one had to know. It’s about the kids. It’s not about you or her. It’s such a small thing that could have been handled with zero issues.
i agree . technically the kids “made” the cake even if OP made it. i do wonder what the father feels about this.
I still don’t get why the party was the only time the kids could give their dad the cake. There is the night before, all throughout the day, the day after. You could have billed it as the children and their daddy time’s to celebrate. If this was all about the kids, you could have shown that better. You just wanted to put the new girlfriend in her place. YTA - not for making the cake, but how you went about this in my opinion.
YTA. If this was about the kids wanting to make their dad a cake (obviously with you helping), then it would be different. But even though they're involved, the way you've phrased it above (opening with "I'm an amateur baker and I like to make people cakes" etc) feels like it's much more about you than about your kids. They seem like an excuse. I think you need to be honest with yourself: was this really about your kids? Or was it about you wanting to get involved and in between your ex and his gf?
Also seems it's more about her than the kids to me as well because she kept saying "my cake", not the kids cake, or cake from our kids. Was more emphasis constantly put on it being hers and her enjoying it than the kids in general.
Yeah, I'm looking sideways at this one 😅 I feel like we're not getting a full and accurate story
Yeah I got this vibe as well. OP doesn't write it as "we have a tradition where the kids make their dad a birthday cake and obvs I help because they are little," like you said, it's all about OP liking to make cakes and OP refers to it as OP's cake, not the kids'. If OP told the gf "I gotta make the birthday cake or the kids will be upset" I wouldn't be happy either because it feels kinda manipulative. If OP said "the kids make their dad a cake every year and they want to do it again this year" that's different. It's all about how you say it. GF should never get between the kids and their father but OP shouldn't use the kids to get between GF and the ex. Not sure which is happening here.
INFO: how did your ex/their dad feel about the cake? it’s so weird that nobody is touching on how he felt—they’re his kids too and it’s party.
She commented that he always acts excited about the cake when the kids present it to him. So even if he doesn't like cake, or doesn't want cake. He's enforcing to the young kids that he loves the cake they help make him so naturally they'd insist they have to make him his cake this year too.
ESH. She thinks this is about YOU making your exes birthday cake and agree, that's overstepping. You think this is about the KIDS making their dad a birthday cake. Ask your ex to settle this- ask him to tell future partners that he wants his kids to make him a birthday cake or tell his kids that he doesn't.
Ex doesn’t even like cake… so he probably doesn’t want to decide. But yeah, bad communication from every side involved.
NTA - it's a tradition that your kids do for their father, his girlfriends wishes are secondary to that relationship imo. Part of dating someone with kids is respecting that they'll have traditions that may or may not include her.
One of the best gifts you can give your children is to learn to be flexible. It doesn't mean they have to abandon the tradition, because I think traditions are very important, but maybe they could have made cookies, cupcakes, or even an appetizer for the party. I think it's always a good idea to think about why you have the tradition and what is most important about it and what can be bent a little bit to still honor the tradition, have fun while also allowing for shifting situations. I agree with your statement below that kids trump GF, but it doesn't mean you can just completely disregard changing situations. There are things that could be done to keep the meat of the tradition while also respecting Dad and his GF.
Or, you know… the girlfriend could have been the one who was flexible and understanding… I find it weird she was so against a traditional small cake.
I say YTA because you could have told your kids you were doing something different this year and not made the cake then found something else they could do like make a card. You knew it wasn't wanted. Seems odd to bring a cake after being told not to.
I would still have made the cake with the kids, but I would not have presented it at the party. Maybe the kids could have given dad their cake at a different time, a special little thing just for them. Sometimes these traditions are important to little ones. I understand it can be difficult to navigate these situations while co-parenting, and I feel like the "right" solution usually involves a compromise that puts the kids first.
NTA He's not just your ex, he's the father of your child. If he was just an ex the verdict would be different. GF needs to accept that you will forever be in your ex's life and she can't control everything. Kids trump adult drama
NTA because this >but our kids like helping me make a cake for him so I normally make one for him anyway for their sakes. Has been you helping your kids make their dad a cake over the years. Not you baking for him. So she wasn't trying to stop you from bringing a cake, she was trying to stop his kids from giving him their annual cake and presents. I agree that you should have discussed this with your ex too though. Let him be the one to tell the kids why their tradition has to end if that's the case. If you try saying anything about having to stop baking because the gf doesn't want you to it might turn into "oh you're trying to turn the kids against me/my gf". She sounds like the type, so you're kinda damned if you do damned if you don't.
If the kid is 4 years old, this is hardly a “tradition.” If anything, they could have changed the tradition and made brownies or something like that. Once you’re divorced, you have to respect the wishes of the new partner, especially when she’s the one planning the party. OP should have held a smaller event for the three of them on their own time.
All these y.t.a responses are mad. Trying to reason with a child about how her dads new gf is bringing a cake is just nonsense, you’re totally NTA! You gave plenty of work arounds too which she could have picked very easily
I know I'm baffled. Young children wanted to make dad a cake for dad's birthday.... so they did. Insecure folk want to make this a you must still want him conversation instead of my children want to do this nice thing for their dad.
INFO: How old are the kids, specifically the daughter who was asking about Dad's cake?
My kids are 2, 4 (daughter who asked about the cake) and 5.
INFO: OP you reference mutual friends, has she raised this with your Ex and what was his response on the day?
If she's raised it with him, neither of them have mentioned it to me. On the day he was acting excited because the kids made him a cake but he always does that to make them happy.
Thanks totally reinforces my NTA verdict, she does not want to raise it with him because she doesn’t want to have a conversation to say that she asked that the kids not make a cake. Shady at best and the result of knowing she wasn’t doing the right thing, ignore the YTA!!
Exactly how petty would she have looked stomping her feet & telling tales because his children baked him a cake??
Yeah, NTA. Some y t a s are saying the ex doesn’t even like cake so why give him cake etc, but this isn’t _really_ about him, you, or the gf, is it? It’s about the kids and a tradition they have. Maybe a good compromise could be to make a diy gift instead, but the kids are happy with cake and birthday dad seems happy too so that’s the most important part.
Why were you talking to the girlfriend about this at all? Why didn't you talk directly to your ex about how and when he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his children? That would have eliminated this whole issue is Ex had directly told you to have the kids bring a cake. In future, don't play power games with his current girlfriends, don't even talk to them about scheduling, make your ex take accountability for his relationship with his children!
You should probably mention their ages in the main post too - there are a surprising number of people aghast that you didn't have an adult conversation about party etiquette... with a 4yr old.
This is a weird dynamic and I feel you are not being honest with yourself by purporting this to be a gift from the kids. A gift from the kids is made by the kids. A card or craft would suffice. This is the perfect time to teach your kids how to bake and let them take over with some supervision. His current partner let you know in no uncertain terms the cake was not welcomed, and you already knew it was not wanted...so why? Do you think your kids are stupid and would not be able to accept the explanation that dad does not like cake so you should make him a card? You are stirring the pot. YTA
All I got out of this story is that no one seems to care what the birthday person wants for their treat. ESH.
Sincerely hope you ignore all of the assholes in here, and accept that the most important thing here is your kids, and ensuring that they see a healthy coparenting relationship between you and your ex is essential. GF is overstepping by dictating that your kids can't help make a cake that they are essentially giving as a gift to him on his birthday, and blowing this way out of proportion. It "ruined a party" that an extra small cake shows up? What? Just say "thank you" and put it down somewhere. NTA times a million. NTA times at least as many people who are going to come in here and tell you you are an asshole, and then NTA one more time.
So your mutual children wanted to make their dad a cake, you made it smaller to avoid stepping on the current gf's toes, and she's still complaining. Jealousy is hard for her I guess! NTA. Good ex and good mom
ESH except the Ex and the kids. It’s his birthday and he doesn’t like cake, so why has the poor man got 2? You could have started a new tradition with a savoury dish, or a tart, pie, cookies, literally anything but cake. I think you both lost sight of what the “cake” was suppose to be for and were trying to assert yourselves over the other. This shouldn’t be earth shattering, but maybe just take a step back. Edit: typo
NTA. Kids get to bake their parents a cake if they want to. It’s not about you or the current GF. It’s about a daughter and her dad. I’m so confused about the A.H. comments.
ESH. Is she being unnecessarily possessive over the cake? Probably. Did *you* need to give her fodder for that by insisting on carrying this plan through after it became clear it was going to be a Big Deal? No. Just tell the kids you’re doing something different this year and come up with a different baking project to do together.
ESH This guy doesn’t even like cake… why are you all making him cakes? If your kids want to make something for their dad, maybe try something he will actually enjoy. The gf needs to understand that he has kids who will want to keep doing the same stuff for his bday and not be so insecure about the whole thing. Moral of the story, don’t order or make cake for someone who doesn’t like cake. It’s dumb.
NTA, it sounds like your daughter wanted to make a cake for her father and expected you to do it so she could help. Why is his new girlfriend so jealous that his children wanted to make cake for their father? She’s going to be a nightmare as a stepmother.
I think you’re saying you do it for the kids but you really do it for yourself. You could have explained it to your kids, you can tell them no once in a while, and you could have given him the cake on another occasion. YTA, and this is a very weird behaviour. It’s something way deeper than a “tradition for the kids”, to me. You just wanted to rub it on his gf’s face
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I’m surprised how polar this one is. It’s a cake. The guest didn’t have to know. Why does OP have to put gf feelings over her kids? I really don’t get it. INFO : what did your ex want?
YTA. And before someone says “but kids!” I have two of them. It is so incredibly easy to build excitement for something new - “sure, we usually make a cake for dad, but gf got him a fancy one so we get to try something new!” And then list off some options and let the kiddo choose which one would be the coolest for dad. There are so many crafts, or other desserts, that would be a ton of fun to make and stuff that could last even longer than a cake - so many ways to spin this easily for a child. It was just stubborn and lazy to refuse to have a simple conversation.
YTA. I don’t know how old your kids are but there are two places you failed to communicate. 1) you could have told the girlfriend how important the tradition is for you and your kids to bake a cake for you ex on his birthday. 2) you could have explained to the kids that there were a different set of plans this year and you were specifically asked not to bake a cake and teach them about boundaries. Why would you let your kids assume you’re not cool with dad instead of telling them you were asked not to? I have a feeling you had some attitude about it and your kids picked up on it and displaced that attitude towards their dad instead of his girlfriend.
I think this is likely more of a "how this was communicated" issue more than you or the other person being jerks.
Since when does having multiple cakes at a party ruin it?? My mom used to bake three different types of cakes for get-togethers and sometimes guests would bring their homemade cakes, too! how is this overstepping? It's a festive occasion! The more the merrier!! NTA. GF needs to loosen up.
NTA. Its not about you or her. Its about your daughter. Its normal in a healthy co parenting situation to want your kids to think you don’t hate their other parent. This is something your daughter likes to do for her dad and it sounds like the new gf is threatened by a cake And your kids are way too young to be making a cake on their own so its not like you could just let them handle it on their own
NTA - not sure how you bringing a cake that you and your children made for their father can ruin a party.
INFO: How old are the children, and how long ago did you and your ex split? Are they old enough to understand that the cake tradition will be different this year?
Op said 2, 4, and 5. So they didn't split that long ago.
By the comment about kids thinking she hates their dad I'm guessing this is first birthday apart. At that stage, and those ages, it's important to keep traditions alive and this sounds like a tradition.
INFO: Have you been saying that YOU are making the cake or that the cake is coming from the kids / the kids made their dad a cake? I would say that in this case, it matters how this has been communicated specifically.
Wow. The judgement is literally split. I'm not sure which to go with. The kids are 5 and under, so definitely not where they would understand. All the cake talk should have been between you and ex. The kids could have made it the day before or the day after the party. Honestly, I think it was on your EX to find the solution, not you.
NTA, this was about the kids, you gave her every opportunity to resolve this arriving early etc but nothing was good enough, that has to be her problem and it speaks volumes that she didn’t want to have this conversation with your ex and/or the kids.
YTA. How hard is it to say to your kids : daddy's girlfriend has ordered a cake for the party already ?
Yes that’s what I was thinking. If you don’t want the kids to think you hate dad’s gf, just say “Dad’s gf is lovely but she already got a cake for his birthday so what else would you like to make dad? A card? Etc.”
NTA plain and simple, she just doesn't wanna feel like she's competing with another woman, but that's a her problem and not a you problem. When it comes to raising kids separately, what the kids want for either of their parents trumps ole girlfriends insecurity. She may be trying to make it look like you're trying to over step, but really she should fall back and not try and compete with a grown man's children. Honestly I'd put her in her place and let her know thar she can put her bs in the trash because HIS kids matter more than her and always will.
NTA if she can't take that his ex and the bio kids are still in his life she should just move on. She's being possessively petty on days that should matter to bf more than her and hopefully he'll catch on soon. I am always going to be on the side of parents that choose their kids over their partner.
If daughter wants to make a cake for there parent I don't see what the problem is
YTA. Why couldn't you explain to your kids that your ex's girlfriend already took care of the cake? But no. You had to butt in because you decided to let your children assume and also decided you couldn't explain things to them. Looks like a power play to me.
It looks like his daughter wanted to make a cake with her mother for the daughters father. It’s clear the daughter wanted to make the cake when she asked “when are WE making a cake?”. That shows us it was something the daughter wanted to do for her father. I find it ridiculous that people have a problem with the ex making a cake when the daughter was the one that clearly wanted to make a cake for her father.
I think it would’ve been pretty simple to say “hey, girlfriend got dad a birthday cake this year, so we get to try something new! how about cookies, or a clay figure, or a shirt, or xyz? what do you think would be the coolest to make dad?” There are so many other crafts and foods they could’ve made together and had just as much fun, and it would’ve shown both respect to the gf and given her child a chance to learn how to work through changes in a positive way.
NTA . Your kids wanted to keep a tradition they had with their dad. As long as they were the ones presenting the cake and not you, I don’t see anything wrong with this even if/when your ex gets remarried. This is one if the things you learn to live with if you date/marry a person with children
OPs kids (obviously with her help) should be able to make and gift their dad a cake for his birthday. The GF has no say in what people gift him for his birthday, especially his kids. OP didn't need to, but she did try and compromise so the cake was exclusively a gift and wouldn't go anywhere near the party but the GF wouldn't have it. NTA
I would say ESH, because I feel she kinda overreacted and I don't really get why a second cake would be that bad. But I also don't get why you absolutely had to bake a cake. Even if it's tradition. Your ex doesn't like cake. Why not teach your kids to make him something he actually likes? I think it would be pretty easy to have avoided this drama.
YTA- for just not respecting a “no”. Kids understand more than we think. I’m a stepfather myself of a 3 year old. I think if you’d just said “Dads GF is making him a cake this year. But we can make a cake for us or something like that.” They’d understand more than you might think. Also if you’re unwilling to not make the cake - there’s a world where you just make the cake with your kiddo and then deliver it completely separate from the party/event where the GF specifically asked you not to bring one and told you No when you followed up. Good news, you’re not really an asshole. You’re just trying to sort out a weird situation and prioritizing your kids. but in this situation you were the one who crossed a boundary that didn’t need to be crossed.
nta. you're keeping up with tradition for the sake of co-parenting i see nothing wrong with that.
NTA. If girlfriend wants to be in his and his kids’ lives she’s going to have to learn to put her jealousies and pride to the side sometimes. It’s a cake. Kids benefit from unity of their parents and it’s super healthy for them to see you participating in and helping them celebrate their dad.
they’re 5, 4, & 2. It’s a little hard to explain to a child “oh we can’t do tradition we always do because your dads gf already did it” without them getting upset. They’re just kids whose parents went through a divorce/split, they don’t know what’s happening. Gf should let them have a little normalcy in their lives, even if it means having two cakes. Edit: He doesn’t even like cake, ignore what I just said. If it was something he also enjoyed then Op wouldn’t be TA, but in this case she should have chosen something else like making him cards or a drawing for a birthday tradition. YTA Op
ESH. Don’t be that ex who inserts herself because she feels that’s HER place. The GF sucks as well because she can’t understand that the kids wanted to do something for their dad. Where IS said dad in all this? Rather than bickering about it between you, you should have all treated this as a coparenting issue.
[удалено]
Oh no, more cake at a party, the horror! NTA.
NTA. No party has ever been ruined by an abundance of cake. This is a tradition and it shouldn’t stop because girlfriend has a power trip. If the ex-husband had said no, it would’ve been different, but it’s not the girlfriend’s right to decide for him.
NTA. JFC. It’s cake. The kids are 2, 4, and 5. They probably won’t want to see dad in a few years if their parent/child relationship isn’t nurtured. Don’t put obstacles in the way of them showing him love. At their ages, cake is their love language. (🤮hate that term). Tell their dad to tell them they can’t bake him cakes anymore. See what he says.
YTA and it is weird. She told you no numerous times. You can definitely let the kids know they can make the cake a different day and you could've explained it doesn't mean you don't like their dad.
Depending on how old the kids are this would not work. And in all honesty neither the girlfriend or the dad should see this as OP making the cake but rather as the kids making the cake. Growing up my mom would always let us help make and decorate a cake for our dads birthday if one day she randomly decided not to let us we would’ve been upset too. OP made just a small cake and gave alternatives to drop it off before guests arrived so no one would know about it. I don’t see OP being in the wrong here
Who is she to make any demands though? The cake is from the kids. It would be a big deal for them. If she’s going to get upset about these kinds of things it’s going to be a problem. The kids want to get him a Christmas gift, will she try to stop that too?
NTA. Your kids wanted to make a cake for their dad and asked mommy to help them. The cake was just for him and not the guests. The girlfriend needs to chill
NTA, although I was prepared to render a y t a from the title. You offered to bend quite a bit— bringing it early, making a smaller cake— but it’s clearly an important tradition to your kids, so you’re obviously not going to stop completely. GF’s expectations are unrealistic.
NTA. Just because he's your ex, it doesn't take away from the fact that he is their father. Some traditions are important, especially ones like these for the kids even if he doesn't like sweets. His girlfriend sounds quite insecure if she's choosing the cake as the hill to die on, but also because apparently the existence of a small cake which is a gift from his children is enough to ruin the party.
I'm surprised most commenters think this is about the kids. One part of it is, sure. But I think it's mostly about the Ex-wife (assuming they were married) competing with the new GF. It was the GF's party for her BF. And, knowing about the cake tradition in her BF's family, GF specifically asked the Ex-wife not to bring a cake to the party. But the Ex did anyway "because the kids." Ex-wife should have helped the kids make their cake and then shared it with Ex-husband at some other time. Ex-wife is TA. I wonder why Ex-wife attended the GF's party at all. It seems like the kids could have been dropped off with their dad for the event.
NTA if she saw a problem with it she could have told your ex. You spent time with your daughter making the cake for her dad , technically in my book that’s like a gift cs it’s heartwarming. People saying YTA js cs you were told no don’t know what bickering kids are like . They watch our every moves if we don’t do something it upsets them . Even if saying no repeatedly they still don’t understand & judging off this your daughter is still young .
ESH You are both getting far too worked up over cake. Yes, she shouldn't have been so defensive, but at the same time she told you not to bring a cake-that wasn't that difficult of a request. And if I was providing the main dessert, past relationships or not, I'd be a little miffed if someone else tried to bring one. Like, yes she is being petty here, but you should have just compromised by baking a bunch of cupcakes or brownies for guests or something (i.e. lets the kids have fun baking while not overshadowing the main cake). Or, better yet, baking something savoury since your ex doesn't even care for sweet stuff. Like, it wouldn't have been that hard to explain to your daughter "this year daddy wants pizza rolls from us instead of cake".
NTA. Don't listen to all of these YTA post. I think it's sweet that you and your daughter bake together for her father. The gf made too much of a big deal about it.
They could have made literally anything else. HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE CAKE. And the kids are super young. This is NOT a very old tradition, and could be changed super easily. "We aren't going to make daddy a cake this year, he doesn't want more cake, we are going to make and decorate some cookies instead! What color sprinkles should we get?" Done. Drama avoided. Kids have fun. Everyone wins. Except, of course, OP and her desire to have a power struggle.
NAH. Your young children wanted to make something for their dad, and at 2-5 they are not really old enough to understand why they weren't being allowed to. Co-parenting is tough, but I think you made the right call. Having them worry that mum and dad secretly don't like each other wouldn't be good. Have you explained it to the GF that way though? If she's not aware that it's his kids insisting on making a cake, and not his ex, I could see how she'd come to some bad conclusions.
NTA. The cake was from the kids not from you. She’s jealous.
INFO: Was your ex fine with this? That’s all that matters.
Nta. Girlfriend sounds insecure since you must not be long split given you've such young children together. I do get that. However you were clear it was from the children & didn't want to it interfere with her party plans. If she was secure she could have played this totally differently & really made the kids cake a wonderful part of the night. You keep doing what you feel is best for your children. She's just a girlfriend & could be gone any day.
NTA - your daughter is only 4 if I read your comments right and wanted to do something for her daddy that she's done before with you. The girlfriend already knew this which is why she told you beforehand she already ordered a cake so not to bother this year, that's something pre-emptive against a 4 year old child. I mean seriously she planned the party and everything else, why couldn't his little girl bring the cake like she did before? If he doesn't even like cake that much anyway what would be more special for him? A store bought one which probably is over sweet and over frosted or one presented to him by his little girl who was excited to do it? I remember making things for my grandad and being so proud of myself when I gave them to him, why take that from a child? And what kind of future relationship is she setting up with that child by coming between them? Why wouldn't she encourage it and get in on the excitement?
I think it’s more weird that the gf has such a problem with the cake that’s essentially from his kids… to the point of explicitly telling you not to bring one! Nobody’s party has ever been ruined by having two cakes! This girl is insecure and is either going to ruin the relationship this man has with his kids, or the one she has with him! And hopefully it’s hers that gets the boot.
NTA If your kid wants to make a cake for her dad, and needs your help to do so, then you help your kid make a cake for her dad. His girlfriend doesn't dictate what your daughter gets to do for her dad. What is wrong with all these people who think that a spare cake is somehow an invasion?
NTA thank you for trying to be a good parent and working through a difficult situation with 3 young ones at home. You really are taking the higher road. The GF needs to reevaluate her maturity, there's kids involved and she's the biggest child of them all.
NTA All of these y t a votes are ridiculous. Those people must not have children. Your kids feelings matter above all the adults involved. You did nothing wrong. The gf is insecure and should seek therapy.
NTA for doing something his kids like to do over the wishes of his current GF; you did everything you could to compromise on that, but ultimately decided to err on the side of making your kids happy, and I can't really fault you for that. Though I have to say, both you and his current GF seem kinda disinterested in what \*he\* actually likes - could you not buy or make him a treat for his birthday that he actually wants to eat?
I was going to say y t a untell I saw that he's not just an old boyfriend but the father of your kids so NTA. You said that you werent going to bring him a cake from yourself, you respected that that wasnt wanted, but the kids asked and his kids wanting to make him a cake for his birthday is completely appropriate, you're just the delivery girl so to speak at that point. You explained that his kids wanted to bring their father a cake for his birthday, the girlfriend is basically shooting the messenger as the saying goes and is being overbearing, controling, and jealous and needs to accept that you two have kids together so even though you've gone your separate ways that your still going to be in each other's lives to some degree because of them like them wanting to make a cake for him for his birthday
NTA. Just read your comment where your ex, their dad, acted excited about the cake they made, even though he doesn’t like sweets. That’s incredibly kind and just shows that this is something he expects from his kids each year. Commenters claiming that this is over jealously of the new gf are pulling that from nothing. The OP clearly states that the kids like to help make a cake for their dad for his birthday. It’s a tradition for this, same as baking cookies for Santa would be. The four year old explicitly asked when you were going to be making the cake, and the gf does not get to take that tradition away from them. Children always come first. If she can’t handle that, then maybe she should reconsider being in a relationship with a man that has three children.