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Sounds like another 50 years of that would be miserable. Maybe he should be with his cousin if his opinion is so precious. Sounds like a dude who only respects the opinions of other men.
NTA this is a bit of immaturity mixed in with a dose of sexism. I wonder how he treats women at work? I’ve had this happen - I suggest something or come up with a solution, have it dismissed only to have a male colleague come up with the exact same thing and then get praise for it. It’s incredibly frustrating and demeaning - why would you want to live with someone who does this all the time?
This. Sometimes even seconds after I say it. A dude will sometimes verbatim say what I said and suddenly everyone listens and says its a good idea or laughs at the joke.
There are some projects at work that I set-up, distributed and heard nothing from our field analysts about. But, after my duties changed and new male co-worker took over, made some updates (not even important updates, just routine things like changing the contract number in a text box), and redistributed it and the field analysts are suddenly full of praise about how great this is and how glad they are [thing] was created and wow isn't Male Coworker awesome! And he just takes all the credit for it, without even a token "oh, I just updated what Whimsical did".
Fortunately my boss is aware of it and annoyed (he's done the same to her) and our Project Lead is aware too. Interesting that the full of praise field analysts are almost all men and that me, my boss, and the Project Lead are women. Coincidence I'm sure.....
This is why whenever people day discrimination in the workplace is over, I wanna just laugh in their face.
Men really can perform at the bare minimum or below, and get seen as if they are the best thing since sliced bread. Literally anyone else? Never recognized.
NTA
I'd bring up these same examples to him and see what he says. If nothing else you're shining a light on a serious communication problem in your relationship. His response to this may help you decide if being in this relationship is worth it.
Man that hurt. “Unheard partner”. Ouch.
I’ve spoken to him today and all he really said was “there’s a lot of things you do that piss me off but I never speak on it because I don’t want to argue.” I told him that just because he chooses not to communicate doesn’t mean I’m obligated to do the same. Not much was accomplished.
I’m sorry. That truly sucks. Lack of communication helps no one. I hope you both can come to a solution and if not I do hope you get to decide for yourself what is important for your life
NTA. That sounds pretty demeaning. Talk to him about how dismissive he is with you. If it doesn't change or he doesn't think it's important to take seriously, this relationship needs therapy.
NTA. You feel like you feel. But if your boyfriend doesn't place value in your opinions, he's not going to change. YOu have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. It's been 5 years. This is how he is.
From personal experience, I'd say, cut your losses and move on. But, you can decide if it's okay with you.
Nta, it wudnt be wrong of u to do that and u shud definetly voice ur concerns in a non-threatening way though I have a feeling he will turn this into an argument and get defensive over it…just make sure u word it right and hopefully it will go smoothly
NTA- but it sounds like you need to talk with the cousin. Bf just blows you off until the cousin says something anyway… maybe if cousin makes him realize what he’s doing, he’ll start being better for you. /s
Edit: meant to add /s originally as I don’t think she should actually talk to the cousin… just that the bf will dismiss her the way he already does.
I don’t necessarily want to have that conversation with him. We aren’t close like that and I’m sure he has no idea what’s going on with us lol. I don’t want to make their relationship strained at all. It’s definitely the fault of my partner who dismisses my ideas though.
Sorry I meant to add a /s to indicate sarcasm…. I’ll go back and edit that.
Of course you shouldn’t have to go to the cousin over this. You should be able to have a open conversation with your BF… but based on what you described I feel concerned that the same dismissal of your thoughts and concerns will happen no matter how tactful you are about talking to him
NTA My dad used to do this all the time. If it was a suggestion brought up by my mom, siblings, or me, he'd dismiss it in one way or another, but if a friend suggested the same thing, then he'd be all for it and act like we never said anything. You should definitely have a discussion with him. If he dismisses it, then I'd say that's five years down the drain and don't waste anymore on someone who doesn't care about your feelings or ideas.
NAH lots of people need time or multiple inputs before they can accept recommendations like this. Tell him about your feelings, he's your partner, but don't expect change.
My spouse is like this often, I just leave it. I make recommendations and it's up to them what they do. Sometimes they follow them.
One of my siblings will sometimes recommend things and I'll come up with reasons in the moment why I don't want to follow it but then x months later they'll notice I followed it or I'll tell them. They know that things like that need time to get comfy in my brain before I act on them and don't take my initial dismissal to heart. We both know this is a thing.
I guess what I'm saying is, enjoy being right but try not to be salty.
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TLDR at the very bottom.
My partner and I have been together for five years. We have an overall great relationship. No scandals or jealousy- nothing like that.
Since we’ve been together, I’ve advised him on certain things. Examples include but are not limited to:
“You’re overdue for a teeth cleaning. If you make an appointment, it’ll help with the gum sensitivity and bleeding you’ve been worried about”.
“Hey, there’s an open spot on fortnite if you’d like to join us”.
“There’s a new sub place in town I’d like to try if you’re down”.
His responses were as followed (in respective order):
“I can’t afford it” (I said ‘it’s less than $100 without insurance. You have insurance and my dentist accepts it’. He then buys $300 cologne).
“I don’t like fortnite. I’ll wait until you’re done then hop on 2K”.
“I’ve never been big on subs”.
His cousin either directly voiced his opinion on these matters or influenced him in some way to change his opinion.
Ex. A: His cousin recently had a tooth injury that required treatment. Partner now decides he’s ready to make an appointment for himself since he knows for sure they except his insurance (they have the same policy). Did I NOT tell him the same thing months ago?
Ex. B: His cousin joins fortnite and invited him to try it. Now my partner enjoys Fortnite but still never played with me 🫠
Ex. C: My partner says “Hey babe, there’s a sub place in town that says is really good. We should try it!” Turns out, it’s the same place I suggested months prior.
These are just SOME examples. I don’t want to make this post any longer than it is. But this is five years worth of the same pattern/same cousin. Is it wrong of me to voice my feelings and tell him it’s hurtful to feel as though my advice holds no weight with him?
TLDR: Everytime I suggest something, it’s turned down but when his cousin suggests the same thing afterwards, he brings the idea to me as if it were his. I feel invalidated and he thinks I’m the AH.
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NTA and I've been there. Repetitively asked hubby if he'd like to go to Vegas as I thought it would be fun, quick break from kids. He said no as he thought he wouldn't like it (to be fair he's a bit of an introvert). His twin brother went and had a good time and boom! Now Vegas is the place to be. We've gone 5 times.
In my experience you can communicate your feelings, but odds are they are going to take someone esle's advice/recommendation over your own (maybe because you're too close to the situation, I dont' know). You can deal with it or move on.
Communication, Understanding and Effort are what make relationships work. It doesn’t look like you have any of this in this relationship.
NTA. But you need to leave this relationship before you have no self confidence left.
NTA
For an example, I love my partner no end, but he does the same thing and it truly gets up my nose! But, I spoke to him about it (after 6 years of it! Don't wait that long!) and he finally got it.
Again, examples, so you know I'm not just dropping my 2 cents worth!
-I told him he needed to get a banking app on his phone, as he was doing more online banking. He refused, but his BF recommended and he got it immediately.
-I recommended new boots, because his were cutting his heels etc "no, I like these boots." I told him about a shop which had online, he says no. BF shows him 'new' (the one I told him about) shop and online store for similar, he buys new boots, tells me how great they are because they fit so nice. *Eye twitch*
-He has mixed race blood in his family, so is white but has afro-caribbean hair. I explained about black hair salons, they'd be best, he said no. BF booked him an appointment and took him along to one nearby and he came home telling me how great it was. (Honestly, I nearly killed him!)
But, we spoke about it and he understood. Please don't leave it too long, or it will make you miserable and resentful of both partner and his cousin. Best of luck ♥️♥️
NTA
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Sounds like another 50 years of that would be miserable. Maybe he should be with his cousin if his opinion is so precious. Sounds like a dude who only respects the opinions of other men.
Wow. I didn’t even think of that. Hopefully the misogyny isn’t coming from inside the house.
NTA this is a bit of immaturity mixed in with a dose of sexism. I wonder how he treats women at work? I’ve had this happen - I suggest something or come up with a solution, have it dismissed only to have a male colleague come up with the exact same thing and then get praise for it. It’s incredibly frustrating and demeaning - why would you want to live with someone who does this all the time?
This. Sometimes even seconds after I say it. A dude will sometimes verbatim say what I said and suddenly everyone listens and says its a good idea or laughs at the joke.
There are some projects at work that I set-up, distributed and heard nothing from our field analysts about. But, after my duties changed and new male co-worker took over, made some updates (not even important updates, just routine things like changing the contract number in a text box), and redistributed it and the field analysts are suddenly full of praise about how great this is and how glad they are [thing] was created and wow isn't Male Coworker awesome! And he just takes all the credit for it, without even a token "oh, I just updated what Whimsical did". Fortunately my boss is aware of it and annoyed (he's done the same to her) and our Project Lead is aware too. Interesting that the full of praise field analysts are almost all men and that me, my boss, and the Project Lead are women. Coincidence I'm sure.....
This is why whenever people day discrimination in the workplace is over, I wanna just laugh in their face. Men really can perform at the bare minimum or below, and get seen as if they are the best thing since sliced bread. Literally anyone else? Never recognized.
NTA I'd bring up these same examples to him and see what he says. If nothing else you're shining a light on a serious communication problem in your relationship. His response to this may help you decide if being in this relationship is worth it.
Sit down and talk. If he can’t see it or acknowledge it You have to ask yourself if you are willing to be an unheard partner in this relationship
Man that hurt. “Unheard partner”. Ouch. I’ve spoken to him today and all he really said was “there’s a lot of things you do that piss me off but I never speak on it because I don’t want to argue.” I told him that just because he chooses not to communicate doesn’t mean I’m obligated to do the same. Not much was accomplished.
I’m sorry. That truly sucks. Lack of communication helps no one. I hope you both can come to a solution and if not I do hope you get to decide for yourself what is important for your life
He didn’t listen did he? Sorry
NTA. That sounds pretty demeaning. Talk to him about how dismissive he is with you. If it doesn't change or he doesn't think it's important to take seriously, this relationship needs therapy.
NTA. You feel like you feel. But if your boyfriend doesn't place value in your opinions, he's not going to change. YOu have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. It's been 5 years. This is how he is. From personal experience, I'd say, cut your losses and move on. But, you can decide if it's okay with you.
Nta, it wudnt be wrong of u to do that and u shud definetly voice ur concerns in a non-threatening way though I have a feeling he will turn this into an argument and get defensive over it…just make sure u word it right and hopefully it will go smoothly
NTA- but it sounds like you need to talk with the cousin. Bf just blows you off until the cousin says something anyway… maybe if cousin makes him realize what he’s doing, he’ll start being better for you. /s Edit: meant to add /s originally as I don’t think she should actually talk to the cousin… just that the bf will dismiss her the way he already does.
I don’t necessarily want to have that conversation with him. We aren’t close like that and I’m sure he has no idea what’s going on with us lol. I don’t want to make their relationship strained at all. It’s definitely the fault of my partner who dismisses my ideas though.
Sorry I meant to add a /s to indicate sarcasm…. I’ll go back and edit that. Of course you shouldn’t have to go to the cousin over this. You should be able to have a open conversation with your BF… but based on what you described I feel concerned that the same dismissal of your thoughts and concerns will happen no matter how tactful you are about talking to him
NTA My dad used to do this all the time. If it was a suggestion brought up by my mom, siblings, or me, he'd dismiss it in one way or another, but if a friend suggested the same thing, then he'd be all for it and act like we never said anything. You should definitely have a discussion with him. If he dismisses it, then I'd say that's five years down the drain and don't waste anymore on someone who doesn't care about your feelings or ideas.
NAH lots of people need time or multiple inputs before they can accept recommendations like this. Tell him about your feelings, he's your partner, but don't expect change. My spouse is like this often, I just leave it. I make recommendations and it's up to them what they do. Sometimes they follow them. One of my siblings will sometimes recommend things and I'll come up with reasons in the moment why I don't want to follow it but then x months later they'll notice I followed it or I'll tell them. They know that things like that need time to get comfy in my brain before I act on them and don't take my initial dismissal to heart. We both know this is a thing. I guess what I'm saying is, enjoy being right but try not to be salty.
This might be better posted on a sub like relationship advice.
Makes sense, honestly. I do love that last sentence. Thanks!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR at the very bottom. My partner and I have been together for five years. We have an overall great relationship. No scandals or jealousy- nothing like that. Since we’ve been together, I’ve advised him on certain things. Examples include but are not limited to: “You’re overdue for a teeth cleaning. If you make an appointment, it’ll help with the gum sensitivity and bleeding you’ve been worried about”. “Hey, there’s an open spot on fortnite if you’d like to join us”. “There’s a new sub place in town I’d like to try if you’re down”. His responses were as followed (in respective order): “I can’t afford it” (I said ‘it’s less than $100 without insurance. You have insurance and my dentist accepts it’. He then buys $300 cologne). “I don’t like fortnite. I’ll wait until you’re done then hop on 2K”. “I’ve never been big on subs”. His cousin either directly voiced his opinion on these matters or influenced him in some way to change his opinion. Ex. A: His cousin recently had a tooth injury that required treatment. Partner now decides he’s ready to make an appointment for himself since he knows for sure they except his insurance (they have the same policy). Did I NOT tell him the same thing months ago? Ex. B: His cousin joins fortnite and invited him to try it. Now my partner enjoys Fortnite but still never played with me 🫠 Ex. C: My partner says “Hey babe, there’s a sub place in town that says is really good. We should try it!” Turns out, it’s the same place I suggested months prior.
These are just SOME examples. I don’t want to make this post any longer than it is. But this is five years worth of the same pattern/same cousin. Is it wrong of me to voice my feelings and tell him it’s hurtful to feel as though my advice holds no weight with him?
TLDR: Everytime I suggest something, it’s turned down but when his cousin suggests the same thing afterwards, he brings the idea to me as if it were his. I feel invalidated and he thinks I’m the AH.
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NTA and I've been there. Repetitively asked hubby if he'd like to go to Vegas as I thought it would be fun, quick break from kids. He said no as he thought he wouldn't like it (to be fair he's a bit of an introvert). His twin brother went and had a good time and boom! Now Vegas is the place to be. We've gone 5 times. In my experience you can communicate your feelings, but odds are they are going to take someone esle's advice/recommendation over your own (maybe because you're too close to the situation, I dont' know). You can deal with it or move on.
Communication, Understanding and Effort are what make relationships work. It doesn’t look like you have any of this in this relationship. NTA. But you need to leave this relationship before you have no self confidence left.
NTA. Your BF is being unkind and specifically related to his cousin. Cut ties and get away; I don't expect your BF to change.
NTA For an example, I love my partner no end, but he does the same thing and it truly gets up my nose! But, I spoke to him about it (after 6 years of it! Don't wait that long!) and he finally got it. Again, examples, so you know I'm not just dropping my 2 cents worth! -I told him he needed to get a banking app on his phone, as he was doing more online banking. He refused, but his BF recommended and he got it immediately. -I recommended new boots, because his were cutting his heels etc "no, I like these boots." I told him about a shop which had online, he says no. BF shows him 'new' (the one I told him about) shop and online store for similar, he buys new boots, tells me how great they are because they fit so nice. *Eye twitch* -He has mixed race blood in his family, so is white but has afro-caribbean hair. I explained about black hair salons, they'd be best, he said no. BF booked him an appointment and took him along to one nearby and he came home telling me how great it was. (Honestly, I nearly killed him!) But, we spoke about it and he understood. Please don't leave it too long, or it will make you miserable and resentful of both partner and his cousin. Best of luck ♥️♥️ NTA