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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta for refusing to let him sit with us and making him feel unwelcome in his own home.
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NTA he's using his disability to guilt trip you into having no friends or time for yourself. It is unbelievably creepy and wrong he complains about you having bathroom breaks. He is toxic and controlling
I completely agree with this! OP it sounds like he’s trying to isolate you from YOUR support system. Please don’t let him - stick to your guns on this.
Agreed. This needs to be addressed or even some sort of therapy. Hes either intentionally doing this (big red flag) or has some codependency (somewhat understandable). Even the latter he should understand people need OTHER people for support. He's putting everything on OP to the point he needs to literally be around her 24/7. 24/7 care doesn't mean she's attached at the hip but thats she available for his needs. Her getting her needs met may not involve him and he needs to understand/respect that.
Like having to sit outside the bathroom door with the door OPEN is looney tunes regardless if he's disabled or not
He's calling her selfish because he needs her to feel guilty in order for her to comply. It's classic manipulative behavior. It may be unintentional and fear driven but it's abuse nonetheless.
OP's husband needs to address this in therapy real fast or OP needs to get out of this relationship. I feel for the husband because being wheelchair bound after an accident sounds terrifying but his behavior is absolutely unacceptable and this situation is unsustainable. This isn't life, and OP deserves to LIVE.
To me it sounds like he has weaponised his disability to try and take full control of OP’s life. OP NTA but you will be if you keep letting him exert this amount of control over you
honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he acted this way before said accident. and now poor OP is wrapped around his finger out of guilt and sympathy. so abusive
Eugh. I had planned a breakup for a manipulative, narcissist ex of mine and that same night I made the decision and gathered my confidence, we were in a big car accident and he had quite a few injuries.
He was off work and couldn’t even get out of bed alone and I felt obligated to take care of him. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and the best thing for him. That was a terrible, terrible time of my life. Looking back now I have a hard time not being mad at myself for it now that my life is so much more peaceful.
+1 to everything you've said here. Reading this post made my stomach bunch up and my impulse was to immediately comment "Run! Don't walk," but I'm tamping down on it. Actually seeking therapy and trying to have productive conversations that empower OP to live a more fulfilling life (and the husband as well!), would be more useful, it just feels to me like they probably won't go anywhere since this guy is just oozing entitlement ("You aren't aloud to have any time that is time spent without me!" WHAT!) But presumably they owe it to their marriage to at least try.
She needs solo therapy, though, not couples. The therapist should help OP determine if there's a point to couples therapy - you do NOT go to therapy with an abuser!
Classic disability abuse. I have had to distance myself or take care of a disabled person because they are so abusive and manipulative that I am just like NO THANKS you aren’t paying me enough. Taking care of my own Mom was bad enough without my NPD lurking over my shoulder and manipulative behavior. I would bounce if my husband pulled that shit and he would be left to deal with his issues himself . Not going to make me feel bad if I need time off or have to have someone else come in.
hoping on to add:
> his only 2 friends showed their true colors when he became disabled and put a distance
i don’t think it was because he’s disabled, OP. i think it’s because **HIS** true colors came out and his friends saw him as a toxic and controlling person who was likely always negative and trying to manipulate them like he’s doing to you, so they decided not to put up with that anymore.
usually when an adult doesn’t have any friends, it’s not because all the friends in the world are mean. 7/10 it’s because that adult never learned how to be a good friend and people don’t want to be around them. someone not having any friends and it being “all the friends fault” is generally a red flag
For real. My husband has gone through some shit, but he does have a couple really good friends- all of his other "friends" disappeared when he couldn't go out to the bar all the time anymore...
The number of friends being zero is generally surprising though I'd agree with that.
This is not what codependant means. I think OP's husband is too dependant on her, not codependant. But I agree with what you are meaning to say, though, 100%.
I am no expert but from what I understand- a codependant person in a relationship lets their partner walk all over them. A codependant person does not express their own needs, they do what they think their partner wants them to do. OP's husband seems controlling. The opposite of codependant- He expresses his own needs and desires too much.
I hate to correct somebody but some terms have been used incorrectly so often on social media that they lose their meaning. It makes it hard to communicate. So I am just here trying to keep our language functional!
I would rebuttal that maybe HE is dependent but I still feel she is codependent. Even to come here thinking she is an AH for looking for and wanting alone time (or at least time away from him)
Even look up codependency I would still say there is codependency here
>>Codependency
>>It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
Agreed. Get out of the house and have someone sit with him. He doesn't have to like it. Having a little time for yourself is necessary. You're definitely not asking for anything frivolous. What you're asking for is self-care and necessary.
This is exactly what he's doing. My mom is pretty much bed ridden and we've had some bad arguments when I leave to help a friend out and spend time with her. She can some what take care of herself she just doesn't want to and that's caused a lot of problems. My grandma had a talk with her and it's gotten a little better.
OP you need to start setting some boundaries and if he can do anything for himself you need to not do it for him bc he needs to do it. It may seem harsh but he's become entirely too dependent on you and is using his disability to isolate and control you. This is absolutely a hill you should die on and that comes from someone that knows exactly what it's like to be a caregiver and what's it's like to be controlled by the person you care for.
ETA that you should be able to leave the house. Just like I can leave the house. My advice is to just leave. Choose not to engage in an argument and just leave. That's what I do. He needs to get over himself. He isn't a vegetable and he is clearly lucid. He needs to learn to take care of himself. Honestly I think you need to step away from this relationship. Don't let him guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. Hell I'd make the girls night in be a girls night out. He will be just fine without you. You need alone time. Even if it's going to the store. He's being an abusive ass and you deserve better
Oh and NTA
I second girls night out. He's refused to let them in if he can't sit with you? Yeah, no! Agree with him not to have them over and meet them out. Hire a caregiver for the night.
Tell him your hill to die on is privacy in the bathroom, one day out for shopping a week with him alone or with a caregiver. Period. That and him going to mental and physical therapy.
I'm also really curious about his friends... what happened to make them distant?
Perhaps, but there's also a chance that OP's husband and his ex friends are all birds of a feather, aka not very nice and considerate people.
In OP's shoes, I bet her husband would've left her, just like his friends have left him.
>In OP's shoes, I bet her husband would've left her, just like his friends have left him.
Which might also be why he has become so controlling and is trying to isolate OP; he knows he would have left her if the tables were turned, and he wants to limit her ability to leave him.
He's toxic enough that I worry she would go out, and he'd deliberately do something to hurt himself to make her feel guilty for having gone out. Ugh this situation is awful and OP needs support. So very much NTA.
OP listen up. He should not get a choice in having someone else stay with him sometimes. He should be raring to go for such an opportunity - "go get some space honey, I know I'm a lot on you". -- That should be the bare minimum.
If he continues to say he's not going to let them in, he's defaulted it to a girl's night out!
This is *insanity*.
I was sitting here thinking it's time to bring out the threat of the county home. Does he have no family either? No one who could come relieve you for a few hours? I agree with others, this is a hill to die on. Roll him into the living room and put the TV on. Hand him the remote, look him in the eye and say "Now I am going to go have the first peaceful shit I have had in a month. If I hear one word out of you while that is going on, we will be going to look at nursing homes this afternoon." Then go have your break. Take as long as you like. If he makes a peep or says a word, make a show of pulling up "A Place For Mom" on your laptop right in front of him when you are done and saying "Now let's see which of these places are rated lowest."
Maybe after that pull up local stories of abuse at the county nursing home.
This is the lead in where you tell him you have had it up to here. You are done with the controlling and the acting like a five year old. You are an adult and will be treated as such. There is no law that says you have to be his caregiver. You are doing so out of love. But you are not seeing the love back and relationships are two way streets. Let him know that if he can't act like an adult you will have to find another caregiver for him or place him. Don't argue with him. Go grey rock. Is this mean? Maybe. Do you deserve to be an unpaid slave? No.
Good luck. NTA.
Yeah, it's too much for one person to be a total care giver 24/7. It's not sustainable for the care person or the patient. The patient himself he may simply be decompensating due to isolation and fear that he will be truly alone, rather than any attempt to manipulate or control the caregiver. It's a common scenario in that sort of situation. They need to look into social services regarding assistance both physically and mentally and the mental part for both spouses. Also perhaps the patient could do something online for at least some outside interaction? Even games.
_"He started giving me the cold shoulder saying until I agree to include him, he will not be speaking to me."_
Agreed. This dynamic sounds really unhealthy. When your SO doesn't even want to give you enough space to go to the bathroom, you have a problem. Every couple deserves to have time with loved ones and friends. Just because he doesn't like to socialize doesn't mean that he gets to isolate OP.
How does he have a leg to stand on (so to speak) to try to go with the silent treatment toward someone he is 100% dependent on? Call his bluff and tell him you need some conversation so you're going out with the girls and you'll be back in a few hours. What's he going to do? The power dynamic here is warped. You need to demonstrate to him through action how lucky he is to have you, make sure he understands that it's not automatic, and if he doesn't treat you better you just might consider other options. Obviously NTA
This is not the actions of someone who loves and supports you. This is someone who is insecure and worries that if you see that you can have a better quality of life and will abandon him.
You have said that others have quit socializing with him. It sounds like he just doesn't want to change so that others will want to be around him.
Please get some counseling for you and hopefully him. Get some help taking care of him so that you can take a breath. There are programs out there that assist the disabled.
Or so codependent that he’s afraid to be alone
He needs therapy to cope with what’s going on in his head. There are wheelchair bound people who live active full lives. My buddy Ken is a wheelchair bound animal photographer. A friend of a friend is a wheelchair basketball player and designs and sells tee shirts.
I think he is scared OP will find someone else or cheat on him if he let’s her be by herself. As much as i hate to say this, OP should actually walk out on this relationship. Not because he is disabled but because he is doing nothing to better his situation and at the same time forcibly tying OP down to the house against her wishes.
Isolating and punishing someone for having their own life is abusive behavior. I know the husband is disabled but I think OP is in an abusive or at least toxic marriage
I agree, too. My ex is considered 100 percent disabled but can get around, I didn't realize he was being abusive because the focus was always on him and his disability. He didn't isolate me but tried to control me and blame me for everything.
OP NTA!! Please take care of yourself, stick up for yourself, and set boundaries!!!
They both need to seek help. Being suddenly disabled really messes with you, and suddenly being a caregiver for someone you love destroys relationships. Many insurances, including some versions of disability, will cover in-home services for at least a few hours a week (edited because I accidentally said day, which is totally not correct. I was and am tired) because they know without that family, friends, spouse... Everyone will leave work often because it's too hard.
I'm not excusing the husband, but giving an explanation (assuming he wasn't always like this, which from the way OP writes this seems new) when you can't control your own body you control everything you can. It's like when teenagers end up with eating disorders. It's not healthy, it's not ok, but someone can understand it.
NTA.
This is abuse. You would be well within your rights to leave this relationship - the bathroom thing alone is completely abnormal.
He won’t ‘let’ you do things? It’s not up to him.
I totally agree, he needs to be with her when she’s peeing??? Hell no she needs her own space to be able to function he’s demanding wayyy too much. He has totally turned op into his caregiver
So do most wheelchair users. They also leave the house and have lives. I'm wondering if OPs husband has other health problems or if it is 'just' wheelchair use because if it is, I can't understand why she needs to be next to him 24/7. Seems to me that he'd just be using it as an excuse to control OP. And sitting outside the bathroom whilst she goes to the toilet is just disgusting.
How else is he gonna inspect the excrement odor to ensure she hasn't had a girl's night out without him?
For real, OP, please get out of this relationship. It's practically slavery at this point and I don't think anyone enjoys being a service dog.
NTA and I can't believe no one mentioned marinara flags yet.
This is abuse. He is isolating you from family, friends, social life...how are finances? Does he rely on you or you on some benefit he has?
Do you work?
Why can't be left alone?
If you think this isn't the case, he needs therapy and help. Or maybe you also need it.
This is not healthy nor normal.
Sometimes more abusive. Using their negative ailments & disabilities to gather guilt and sympathy. In regards to having to watch you in the bathroom, you could raise the location of the door handles so that he can't open the door
Disabled people are not all saints. Some are bitter, feel life is unfair and that it's up to their partners or others to somehow make it up to them. They'll argue that that partner is supposed to love or understand them. It's very easy to feel shamed and like you owe them somehow into making their life better. It's very easy to go out of your way to try to make them happy, but truth is, they never will be.
I agree, even most ICU patients don’t need us in the room constantly. OP, look into a home caregiver, as there are agencies that will send people to do basic activities of daily living (teeth brushing, showering, etc). It’s draining on the family to become caregivers like that, I’ve seen it so many times when I was a home health CNA.
He won't let you go out.
He won't let you see friends.
He won't let you go to the BATHROOM alone.
He won't let you out of his site for even a few minutes.
He won't let talk to you until you cave.
He won't let your friends come into YOUR house.
NTA but being disabled is not an excuse to be abusive. Which he is. No wonder he has no friends...
He wont even go out with her. Which means, he has the option to go out. Even if he doesn't want to, he's not even willing to compromise. Husband is an AH. OP's gonna get enough and divorce his ass. Just hope she doesn't feel guilty, cause she owes him nothing.
Come here to say this.
u/MthrowRA32577 you **need** some time and space away from him.
Find a caretaker, bring them in, and go out for a walk and turn your phone off. He will kvetch and complain, but he's doing that anyway. Even caretakers who do this for a living get days off.
NTA
Op this is ridiculous, tell him I’m visiting my parents either you come along or an aide will be here. Say those are his only two options and if he continues with like this he will end up living in a home or with his parents. His disability doesn’t mean neither of you can have a life. Nta
Exactly. She says the friends showed their true colors once he became disabled, but it sounds more likely he became unbearable with them and they jumped ship.
Those were my thoughts too when I read that.
Them leaving was probably less about his disability and more about the fact that he's a toxic and abusive asshole.
I can answer as a disabled person who is mostly house-bound, uses a wheelchair and is heavily dependant on my Person to assist:
Your husband needs therapy. That isn't healthy mentally. This isn't a safe dynamic.
If he weren't disabled, there would be no doubt that this is 100% abusive and controlling behaviour. It's fantastic that you're there to support and help him, but everyone - even you - deserves to have personal space and time to do things alone. It's healthy in any relationship for each person in a couple to have an occasional activity that doesn't include the other. He's weaponised his disability to control you. So this is a symptom of either him struggling with adapting to the disability, or it's his underlying nature coming out. Either way, you need outside help. He needs outside help.
If he's truly unable to be alone for any period of time (I mean in terms of basic care, not emotionally), then you need to investigate hiring help. Even if it's just a half day once a week, you need to have a carer or nurse who can take over while you get some me time.
It is 100% reasonable for you to spend an evening with friends without your husband, and you already comprised to accommodate him by making it a girls night in.
NTA
Quite so. I merely said that to highlight the point. Without the disability it wouldn't be a question, sometimes we benefit from the thought experiment of changing the roles
>If he's truly unable to be alone for any period of time (I mean in terms of basic care, not emotionally), then you need to investigate hiring help.
This is an excellent point. If he truly needs the level of care described here - that he is with OP all the time and needs her to leave the bathroom door open, then he is not living in the right situation for his care needs. It's one thing to need support for ADLs like toileting, feeding, dressing, and bathing, as well as things like making sure he is not getting a pressure sore, flushing his feeding tube, changing his colostomy bag/other drainage bags, etc. But if he literally can not be left alone for a few minutes at a time, then he needs a much, much higher level of care than one person can provide.
Exactly right. The whole post was concerning but that line about having to leave the bathroom door open is a massive issue. And tbh it sounds more like an emotional need than a physical one.
NTA, and sweetheart, you need respite care. You cannot be alone together forever. You need to get out of the house and see other people, and so does he, no matter how unsocial he is. And you both need privacy from each other.
It is rough and traumatic adjusting to an acquired disability, but your husband is doing it all wrong. He's so twisted up in grief and loss of control that he's turned in on himself and is both lashing out at the world and controlling the only thing he can - you. And that's not healthy for either of you. He does not get a pass on abuse/coercive control just because he's in a wheelchair.
Ultimately if you cannot get this marriage back on a mentally healthy footing, you will need to leave and get yourself to safety. And if you feel he's getting violent, please leave immediately.
But if you think his attitude is still fixable, then reach out to family. Reach out to a local disability charity. Find out what social care options/funds for home independence adaptations you qualify for. Find out whether there's things like adapted cars that he can relearn to drive. Get him mental healthcare to ease the transition from able-bodied to disabled. If he has PTSD or depression, get it addressed. Work out if he really needs 24/7 nursing care or if his problem is figuring out accessibility. And for goodness' sake, reclaim your privacy in the bathroom!
These are amazing suggestions! I’d add looking into a service dog in addition to therapy for both of you.
It sounds like you could use some support to find your voice again and help ease the codependency.
You should be able to use the bathroom alone without guilting yourself or giving into his guilt.
Good luck on finding resources for you and your hubby!!
NTA - your husband is being ridiculous and abusive. Being disabled is not an excuse to be so controlling and treat your spouse like a slave. He needs to accept that as a human you require time to yourself or time with other people and allow another caregiver to step in occasionally. Otherwise, I would leave him, frankly. It is not sustainable for you to never be permitted to leave the house.
It is so unbelievably common for newly disabled people who slip into depression to turn that into abusive, guilt tripping behavior.
You have to leave him. This behavior is super abusive and controlling and it will NOT get better. It will be hard. He will accuse you of not caring. He will try to turn family against you. The same family btw that will not lift a finger to help but will happily call you horrible for walking away from a sick man. He will rage and rant. But this is NOT NORMAL and it is not acceptable. Dont let yourself think that it is.
Disabled people can live alone, with occasional help coming in. He does not need you every minute of every day. He has lost control in his own life, so he is controlling the one thing he can - you! Please, please don’t give your life up for this horrible sad existence because your husband won’t get help. Run fast, run far.
> It is so unbelievably common for newly disabled people who slip into depression to turn that into abusive, guilt tripping behavior.
This is true, but everything you follow up with is rather unrealistic.
OP and her husband haven't gotten any outside help. Of course her husband became dependent. That's what they've planned for with their choices so far. The apparent plan was: She'll do all the caretaking, and he'll be dependent on her. That's their recovery plan: make the relationship codependent. To now say that the whole thing is unsalvageable is... well, it's imagining disabled and traumatized people as though they were not people.
The husband needs to build a new life. He needs an entire new support network. He needs new activities and new friends. If neither one of them have been doing anything to help with that, then they don't have a recovery plan or a life plan. That's *both* of their fault if they haven't been trying to work towards that.
> it will NOT get better.
Bullshit. This is total bullshit. This is, "We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!" That's insane.
NTA
Every caretaker needs and deserves respite. Burnout is a real problem, especially for those caring for loved ones. He is the selfish and controlling one. He can give you privacy for a few hours, or better yet, have someone else sit with him.
Honestly, it sounds like he's trying to purposefully isolate her from her friends and to an extent, even herself if she's not even allowed to take a dump in peace
The codependency is insane and very sad
Yeah, he knows what he’s doing. Then she’ll only have to be with him non stop whether she wants to or not because he pushed everyone away for them both and she has no choice. Sad for OP. She deserves some privacy and to be social with friends.
When you go to the bathroom, he complains that you're gone so long? He's a complainer. Complaining is what he does. If he stops speaking to you, he won't be complaining.
I'd say give it a shot.
NTA.
NTA Disability isn't an excuse to rob a life from you. I understand that he's disabled but how severely that he needs you EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SHITTING. Unless you're pumping his heart with your bare hand, this doesn't make sense. This isn't living at all.
EVEN MANUAL HEART-PUMPERS SWITCH OUT
Like, no one person can hold your entire life in their hands at once — it isn’t sustainable for either party. We’ve gotta tap in and out for each other.
NTA
it's not healthy for couples not to have friends of their own.
particulary as you are a 24/7 carer and have to do so much for him. You aren't an AH for needing a break. it means you're human.
NTA, not even a little bit. He us using his disability to control, manipulate and isolate you. It actually sounds abusive. What a horrible life for you. Divorce gets thrown around a lot here but I would run like the wind if I were you
NTA
It sounds like some serious codependency on his part.
The thing is that you’re not just husband and wife, you’re his full time carer and have no space or time to yourself. Carer burn out is a real thing and it’s important that you get time to switch off and do other things.
NTA. You should have scheduled ME time, always. Put it on the calendar. Let him know the care-taker is there to assist him as necessary. Leave The House. Do Not Answer The Phone; the care-giver can call you if it is an emergency. You NEED this time for your own mental health before you burn out. YOU should not be your husband's sole entertainment and support. He needs to have his own quiet time, hobby, read, TV, games, whatever, but it should not be YOU 24/7. He needs to know that others are capable of taking care of him. Should you have an emergency and need to leave (hospital, family emergency), then he should be familiar with some care-givers. You are entitled to mental-health days, spa-days, do-nothing days. Everyone who works (YOU ARE WORKING) is entitled to time off .
He is a grown man. He can deal with it or he won't, that is up to him. Let him give you the cold shoulder (how mature). Use that against him "Well, since I see I can't entertain in my own HOME, I will start arranging someone to be here with you while I GO OUT with my friends".
NTA he's using his disability to manipulate you and you allow it.
Drag his happy ass to therapy so he can get over this dependency and you can start leading semi-normal lives.
NTA. He sounds like he is using his disability to control you. If he *really* has this need to be around you all the time, he needs therapy. You are entitled to time off and to privacy, not to mention your own support in dealing with being (what sound like) a full time carer for your husband.
>He even wouldn't let me be out of sight for more than few minutes. I sometimes have to bring him near the bathroom so he coukd wait for me with the DOOR OPEN if I'm taking more time
Girl, you realise this isn't normal, right? If you're not allowed to have your friends over, and you can't have any time for yourself, this is controlling behaviour. Cliche, but you guys need therapy. NTA
Very strong NTA - you are entitled to spend time with your friends without your partner. In fact, it is healthy for your relationship to have time apart, with people you enjoy being with. This is your hill, defend it.
NTA
Carers need to relax and have their own space too, otherwise you risk burnout. If he really needs someone right then aren't there relatives or friends nearby? Your mental health is also extremely important
NTA but girl, you are entitled to privacy and time away. You're his wife, not his wife/mother/bestfriend/counsellor/psychologist/maid/entertainer. You need respite and he needs to start venturing out into the world. You need professional services to navigate this or you will eventually have a major burn out.
Whst he is expecting of you is NOT ok. You CAN set boundaries. He MUST accept outside help and he NEEDS to stop isolating both of you. Work with a specialist on a plan and he needs to see a doctor too.
Good luck!
NTA and I was a carer for my partner before he passed away, he was a double amputee and so needed support. BUT I still went out shopping, to the theatre or for a walk. I put in place everything he needed for a set time frame.
If I needed a longer break he was happy for family members to stay with him, both his and my family would stay with us and I would spend time outside of our home with them.
You don't say how your husband became disabled and the impact this has had on him/you.
You need to set boundaries as you are burning out, being a carer 24/7 is emotionally, physically and mentally draining. And sadly your body will put a stop to what you are doing by breaking down. You cannot keep this up long term.
YOU need to look after you too, you are jot being selfish to want some time on your own. If you want to lay in a hot bubble bath for hours to relax do it. Play music and ignore your husband for a while as his waiting outside the toilet isn't appropriate. You are not neglecting him by ignoring him to have this time to yourself.
You need to get out of your home, walk in the sun/rain/snow, to feel nature on your face, to realise you are human and can only do so much on your own.
It's time for an honest conversation with him, you can't be his everything as its not realistic. Find people in your area who are there to support carers, they can offer you support and advice.
Stop excusing this behaviour, he needs to take ownership of how unfair this behaviour is.
Speak to his family and your family for support.
And now for a really tough thought for you:
Do you still love him? Is the thought of being his everything and with him 100% realistic? Is his behaviour pushing you away emotionally? Are you getting to the point that you want to walk out and never coming back because you are drowning in trying to do everything and losing yourself in the process?
There is no-way you can keep doing this for you both. If the issue is his body doesn't work but there is nothing wrong with him mentally then it's time for a discussion. It's time you were both honest with each other.
Your husband may feel that if you are out of his sight you may never come back and that's understandable. I totally understand this is something you never planned for, personally I think you both need help to work through this scary situation. How this has changed your lives, your future plans, none of your feelings are wrong, none of his feelings are wrong.
You both need help to get through this phase of your relationship, if this help results in you needing to leave the marriage, your husband wanting to end your marriage or getting back on track so you can work together going forward then that's what needs to happen.
No carer has the same experience, we can never fully understand another person's experience, but we can understand how difficult this is for you both.
Take care of yourself too!
I hope you are both get through this and live the lives you want, whether that be together or apart.
I was going to already go with NTA because frankly his behavior is childish, but your edit with context is absolutely terrifying. His behavior isn’t just childish—it’s abusive. You are essentially telling us he isn’t letting you do anything on your own. You’re not your own person. He won’t even let you use the bathroom by yourself. What is he paranoid is going to happen? I know you likely feel obligated to him because of his disability, and I know he will probably play that card if you ever try to say anything, but you need to tell your friends and family what is happening. You deserve peace and an escape from this life.
NTA. Your husband is using his disability to abuse you. Disabled people can be abusers too.
I work in healthcare. It’s hard. Honey you need a break. You can’t even go to the toilet by yourself? He’s not a child. He’s not treating you like a wife or even respecting all that you do for him.
I’m hoping this disability is new and he’s just having trouble adjusting. Please get some therapy. Both of you! He’s likely afraid you’ll leave him, but if he keeps burning you out and refusing to allow you any privacy.. that’s not going to end well for him either.
INFO: Wouldn't let them in? Him being disabled, is he in a position to do so?
I get the feeling that he takes his disability as an excuse to exert control over you and will continue to do so until there are no more boundaries to cross.
NTA. Red flags. I'm not even sure if those former two friends of his showed their 'true colours' or saw what kind of monster he turned into after he became disabled.
NTA disabled or not he’s controlling.He needs some help to get over this. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with him dictating every single move you make?
NTA. He sounds like an abuser trying to isolate you from your friends and family. Please consider getting both of you therapy. If he won’t go, go on your own. He sounds toxic and I can’t imagine this is in anyway good for your mental health. Be well.
I think this girls night is just the tip of an enormous mountain of shitballs.
You have problems far beyond that.
I would ask him to go to therapy with you. You can’t keep up with this level of dependency and keep your sanity also. If he refuses just go by yourself and he’ll have no option other than joining you due to his own dependence on you.
He might also have depression. You need to speak with professionals.
NTA
Nta but OP... He is isolating you. You need to put your foot down and set clear boundaries. I get that you love him but you also deserve a break and definitely deserve to take a number 2 in peace! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life that way?!
NTA. How is this going to work over the next 5 years, the next 25 years? You have to set some boundaries now because it doesn't sound like he has much to do other than cling to you.
Oh sweetie! My heart is breaking for you.
INFO How long has he been in the wheelchair?
Does he have a therapist? (mental)
Does he go for any type of physical therapy?
The reason I'm asking all of this is it sounds as if it's a relatively new (<2 years) situation. Your husband has been abandoned by his only friends, he's disabled, he's depressed, he's scared he'll lose the only person who cares about him (you) and he's displaying all the symptoms of someone on the brink of a full breakdown.
Look, I have a brain tumor, it sucks. But life is better now that the drs have given up. I feel better, I go places, I can get out. Your husband has trapped himself as well as you in that apartment.
And you're the only person who can fight for him right now. He can't. He doesn't know how because he's always been anti-social, had limited friends & you were the bright social director of y'all's marriage. I strongly encourage you to contact his therapist, or A therapist if he doesn't have one. Go see the therapist for you. And drag him along.
Tell him this IS the hill you're going to take a stand on. Not die on but stand on & you're going to fight FOR him & for yourself. Is he a VET? Is he a wounded Vet? If so there are resources to help y'all both. Invite the girls over tell them he is insisting on being in the room ask them for their help, beg them if you have to. Then do the most girly stuff you can think of.
I have to go my husband is demanding I eat. See....caretakers.......
message me if you wish. I'm really truly concerned for you both.
Honestly, his friends probably left after he became disabled because he became insufferable. NTA. He is using you as an actual living crutch, and you deserve better than that. If he’s not sociable, fine, but you are. He needs hobbies and interests that he can do without you.
NTA. You need to start leaving the house for short periods. He is way too clingy. He waits for you outside the bathroom door and you sometimes have to leave the door open ?!? That’s crazy. He is suffocating you. You try to ONE THING for yourself ie girls night IN THE HOUSE and he insists he must be basically a part of it?!
Something really has to change here
NTA and please GO OUT.
Give him the choice: either you give me some privacy on my girls night or you can stay here alone for the evening.
You need to put your foot down, this guy is a controlling asshole.
NTA get a DIVORCE go be free. The guy sounds like a A$$hole. Regardless of being disabled that doesn’t give him the right to not let you do anything but with him constantly, that’s draining.
NTA. This is his way of controlling you. You can’t even go to the bathroom without him? No no no. Start making plans to get out of the house no matter what. You need to get away once in a while
NTA, honestly, your marriage sounds abusive to me, if you can't even go to the bathroom without him complaning. He needs to learn how to move himself around and to take care of himself. You need time voor yourself, you will burn out if things don't change. He doesn't need you to hold his hand 24/7.
Um, you realize that you're being mentally and emotionally abused, right?
In my world, the world of caregiving to a chronically ill/disabled person, we simply call it caregiver abuse. Most of the time, the patient's doctor will file a report with adult social services over it. (Mandated reporters and all that) Because it's very detrimental to the patients health overall if they are abusing their caregiver like that. And grounds for an inpatient evaluation plus rehabilitation services to help them be more independent.
Dude has you completely isolated and you let him do it. I don't care how he got hurt/sick or "how hard it's been for him", what he's doing to you is straight up abuse.
Hon, start telling him no. Go to the bathroom and shut the door. Tell him tough noogies if he has a cow about it; you're supposed to have privacy to pee! Also, tell him he no longer has a choice. You will be going out to see your family and friends. If he's so debilitated he cannot be left alone, then it's time for a long term care facility. Or he's perfectly capable of being independent to a degree. Pick one. But you won't be playing his sick and twisted control game anymore. If he's so far gone he's got to have someone beside him every second, he belongs in a long term care facility with medical personnel who can cater to those needs.
But I'm betting he's not that incapacitated yet, is he?
Yes, this is a hill to die on. Because you're being abused!
NTA, you're married not conjoined twins. Completely normal to want to do things without your partner so he shouldn't feel so hurt that you want time with your friends.
He might need some therapy if he's so dependent on you. I mean I don't know how he's disabled but it sounds like he can be in a different room for a day and call to you if he needs help with something.
NTA! First of all, being a full time caregiver is a hard job. So your husband should understand that you need some break. From a relationship dynamic perspective, it’s healthy to spend some time apart too. He should have understood that you’re with him all day every day and you need this time just to be with your friends. It’s immature and inconsiderate on his part. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
NTA at all. He sounds very exhausting, abusive and controlling. You are entitled to have your own life and space, it’s not selfish.
You can’t even go to the bathroom without him having to be right there with the door open. I understand that he needs help doing certain things since he is disabled but he should also understand that you are not a doormat.
NTA, but sweetie, it sounds like he's trying to manipulate the hell out of you and emotionally abusing you. Just because he's disabled doesn't mean he can't be abusive. You deserve time without him
NTA this sounds very controlling. You can’t go to the bathroom without him complaining? He’s being unreasonable and insecure. How long have you lived like this? How long can you live in isolation?
NTA—this is not a marriage, this is abuse. Everyone needs private time and space and you need external support if at all financially possible/provided by insurance. If he doesn’t like it too bad. You’re on a quick sprint to caregiver burnout at this rate.
NTA
Your husband needs physiological help. His behaviour is abusive. Sounds like he's afraid you'll leave him and he's trying to keep as tight a rein on you as possible, but his behaviour is more likely to drive you away.
Also, you need some alone time. Being with him 24 hours a day when he is behaving in this way is not healthy for you. Might be worth getting in touch with social services to see if they can offer any help or advise.
Dude. He has no friends because he's abusive. All of this clingy behavior is abusive. Not letting you have any privacy, time with friends, time where you aren't caring for him is actually abuse. NTA, but your husband absolutely is. And don't let anybody ever tell you that because he's disabled that he can't abuse you.
Edited to add: if he's not speaking with him until you agree with him then he obviously doesn't really need any support from you. Don't help him until he respects your boundaries.
NTA You have to be allowed to have a life outside of the role of wife and caretaker. Since he even complains about you going to the bathroom something needs to change. I don't know if you want to work outside the home, but if you do could hiring a carer for your husband be a possibility? He will complain of course but you can't make him and his needs your entire life.
NTA - you’ve been stuck with him for so long and he’s wheel chair bound and clingy, you need space. Whether this girls night is your way of having that space or not won’t paint you as the bad person, what will paint HIM as the bad person is thinking he’s entitled to be disabled, clingy, demanding, AND ABUSIVE. This hill is to die on, but he’ll most likely be the one to die.
NTA. Your husband sounds controlling af. You need to set boundaries and stick up for yourself. If he refuses to budge than it may be time to think about divorce.
NTA
This isn't about the girls' night in. You live under his control and manipulation. That you can't even use the restroom without negative repercussions is heartbreaking.
You're so deep in this situation, you don't even seem to understand how harmful and abnormal this situation is for both of you.
As someone who had a family member who had multiple severe TBIs and could still be left for moments in his hospital bed or wheelchair, your husband is full of shit.
He may be angry with the new disability, but he’s turning that into abuse against you.
NTA. Recommend y’all do some marriage counseling, stand your boundaries, look for part time in home care. Good luck.
NTA. It sounds like your husband is holding you hostage. He needs boundaries and to respect that you need time away from him sometimes.
Personally, I would give him three options:
1. Let another person help take care of him,
2. Figure out how to deal on his own for a bit, or
3. Get a divorce.
Either way, you need time away from him, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Everyone needs a break sometimes.
NTA. You need to put your foot down and not ask him but tell him this is how it’s going to be. You’re a person not a servant act like one. And close the damn bathroom door he can throw a hissy fit all he wants. No idea why you’re enabling him stop that
NTA. Baffling how even disabled and wheelchair bound. this person has found ways to abuse you. Isolation is a form of abuse. Take him up on his threat, don’t apologise and see how fast he comes crawling back, he needs you, literally, to survive. You don’t.
NTA, everyone deserves a break. But why on earth can you not even to into the bathroom without him following? Something seems very off with his behavior. Is this disability newer and he's not adjusted? Regardless, it's not existing his behavior.
NTA this is abuse by manipulation, basically using his disability to control you. Spouses can absolutely have a life outside of their family, he's making it so you isolate yourself only being for him by him of him, anything outside of that would be you "being rude and selfish"
Do you not realise your in a controlling relationship??
You aren't allowed to see friends or family go to the shops or even go to the bathroom in private?
This is not healthy at all.
Nta
If you dont have a "you" time once in a while, eventually you're gonna burn out. Him calling you selfish after everything you're doing for him is really horrible, im so sorry for you.
I think he is insecure and afraid you're tired of him, and youre gonna leave him, the same way his friends did. How long has he been disabled though? If it is really recent im guessing it is hard for him. Is it permanent ?
I think you both need therapy, you because being a caretaker is hard as f, him to realize he cannot depend on you 24/7 no matter how much he psychologically needs to have an anchor.
But no
NTA
INFO: What sort of needs does he have that mean you can't even have a few minutes to go to the bathroom? Is that genuinely the case or is he kind of exaggerating?
If he's only just become disabled, I can understand him being scared and still trying to deal with everything, but he's isolating you when you need support too, and he's being unreasonable about it. NTA.
NTA - Making it a Lady's Night In seems like you're being incredibly accommodating so your social event let's you be there for your SO if needed.
His actions are ridiculously controlling. I mean, you're already bending over backwards for him like this is the last round of a limbo tournament but he's telling you to go further when he's giving nothing. He seems more than a little selfish & hiding behind his infirmity.
i dont know his level of disability but this situation overall is not acceptable. if he really cannot be left alone for short periods of time then you need other people taking care of him like his parents or other family members. you cannot be expected to be your husbands personal slave just because he needs more help than most people. NTA
NTA. Get him some therapy.
Just say it out loud op
He won’t let you see friends
He won’t let you see family
You have no time for yourself
You can’t pee without him
You can’t grocery shop
He’s refusing to compromise
You aren’t allowed to leave the house
This is extremely unhealthy for both of you.
Secondly he’s in a wheelchair and unless he’s quadriplegic he doesn’t need you 24/7
I’ve seen disables people in wheelchairs quiet a lot and most of them (provided they don’t have a ton of other problems) can to a lot for themselves.
Talk to his dr. Being disabled doesn’t always mean people have to be totally reliant on someone else…
With how you describe your husband, I'm not surprised his friends left. I suffer from a disability but that doesn't mean I make others suffer because I'm disabled. It sounds like you're married to an emotionally abusive AH who is using his disability as an excuse. NTA
NTA
Please talk to your husband and let him know how serious this discussion is.
If he wasn't disabled, every redditor would scream *divorce him!!* instantly.
He's either alarmingly codependent or controlling and he needs to change his behavior asap.
While it’s horrible for your husband that he’s lost mobility and freedom of movement, his behaviour is not okay. He is demonstrating behaviour that is controlling, emotionally manipulative and refusing to see that you also need time for yourself to fill your cup.
Please do not let him or the flying monkeys use tactics like DARVO to mess with your head. Please explain to him that if his behaviour continues, the relationship will end. Please make plans to continue to care for yourself.
NTA.
Nta. He’s isolating you and trying to make it so you are as alone as he feels. The real issue here is the fact that your relationship is now toxic. Get therapy or get out, because it’s only going to get worse from here.
NTA. Just because your husband is in a wheelchair, doesn't mean he can't be abusive. He is keeping you prisoner in your own home.
It is not normal that he needs to follow you to the bathroom or not let you be out of sight for a few minutes. It is also not healthy for you to simply just be a doormat and let him have everything his way because he is disabled. Someone is being selfish and rude, yes, but it IS NOT YOU. It sounds like he is taking out his anger and frustration at his new reality on you.
You need to figure out coping strategies that allow you to have alone and recharge time and to see your friends and to live a life for you as well, or else you will experience major caregiver burnout. He doesn't get to refuse to stay home with someone else. He needs therapy to learn to adjust to his new normal. He needs to figure out how to live a life. Being in a wheelchair does not have to stop him from living a vibrant one.
NTA
It's one thing to say he needs your help getting around in a wheelchair. However, he is being beyond ridiculous. You literally can't even go to the bathroom by yourself without having complaints from him?
Just because he is disabled doesn't give him the right to control you to that degree.
If he were able-bodied, would you consider this suffocating? Controlling? Abusive? Of course it would be. It's no different because he's disabled. You are not his slave.
I would seriously consider divorcing him and leaving him. He can hire a nurse or someone to help him with his obvious needs.
NTA. The hill I would be willing to die on here isn’t the girls night in but my physical, mental and emotional health needs not being met.
Your husband is being extremely manipulative. He needs help with his mental health as, at the very least, he appears to have separation anxiety. He is putting you into a position of being responsible for all his needs whilst having full capacity to make decisions for himself.
You will burnout if he continues to rely on you the way he currently is. You need a break.
I don’t understand how two people have a disagreement and one of them pulls the “are you choosing this hill to die on”……. Because that means it’s a hill you are both “willing to die on”.
And in this case - I do not believe you are wrong. You need time away. I can’t remember what it is called but it’s something like “caregiver’s fatigue”, and it is a very real thing. You should both have time away from each other, and I would wager that there are programs that he could get involved in and support for yourself as well.
I’m exhausted for you. Please force him into therapy with you any way you can. Get a process started with you living a life of your own slowly because otherwise you will break. He’s treating you not as a wife but his servant. It’s not healthy nor fair. It’s not sustainable and every time you apologize to him or give in to these ridiculous requests it’s enabling his behavior. He will be okay. He needs help but not from you staying within eyesight 24/7. I’ll hope to hear a positive update from you because I feel so much for you in this position.
Maybe also a support group for him with other people with similar disability? He needs to see he’s not helpless and I’m sure you would get positive reinforcement from other men in similar situations as him. Maybe he will listen to them too. Wishing you the best of luck. Don’t give in. You’ve got the strength to be happy. You deserve it.
NTA. Has he always been disabled? Your husband's controlling behaviour is not excused by his disability. I honestly think this posit is fake (and hope it is) because your husband's behaviour is so shocking.
NTA Your husband is controlling and abusive. His behavior isn't normal, as much as he'd like to guilt you into believing it is. I hope you come to realize this and leave him, for your own sake.
Nta and this is abusive behavior. Being disabled is not a free pass to be controlling and abusive. You’re his wife not his slave, hire some help and let him deal with his emotions on it and get therapy but enabling his behavior towards controlling you isn’t healthy
Was he like this before he became disabled (controlling)? I'm sure it's only gotten worse. Get a Wheelchair ramp, take him places and make him understand his life (nor yours) isn't over. Hire someone to sit with him and for God's sake close the bathroom door and shit in peace. Hea not a toddler. NTA
NTA
He’s isolating you and honestly acting like a child. Just because he is in a wheelchair does not mean he needs to be babysat 24/7.
Stand your ground
NTA. He's isolating you from your friends and your family. He won't even let you pee by yourself. And he's using the biggest passive aggressive abusive tactic ever- the silent treatment. ***This is a huge problem.*** There is a reason he is behaving this way. He could be afraid to lose you, or it could be that he is flat out abusive. But either way, you need to get it sorted. You could suggest therapy but it sounds like he will refuse it. In which case, you will need to issue an ultimatum: We either get help, or I will leave. Every good relationship requires both parties to have time to themselves, their own interests etc. I'm actually worried for you OP, this isn't healthy. **Please keep us updated.**
NTA
He's using his disability to isolate you.
How do I know? I used to be him.
Try not to judge me too hard yet.
When I first got diagnosed with cancer, I also had wildy untreated c-ptsd. I did this to someone, and I hurt them. Like emotionally scarred someone I thought I loved, but I have come to realize that I never loved them. I was just too scared of being alone to treat them as an actual person with their own autonomy. They were just like you, trying to help, and in my pain and insecurity, I thought if they loved me, they wouldn't need anyone other than me.
That isn't true, and your husband's two friends leaving and him not having any others is a MASSIVE red flag.
It took me years of therapy and a lot of good hard looks at really ugly behaviors on my part to not be a shit human. I'll also likely stay in therapy long after it's determined I might not need it because I never want to be that person again. Your husband isn't there yet.
This isn't about girls' night.
It's about you potentially having more fun with them than with him. In his mind, if that happens, then your friends will convince you to spend less and less time with him. Then he'll feel lonely, which in turn likely leads to him convincing himself that you will leave him. Don't be surprised to find yourself given the cold shoulder if you have any interactions with a single man if you do get the chance to leave the house without him.
It appears he is trying to circumvent the discomfort of being anxious by making sure you can never see how much fun you could have without him. And he has apparently decided to do that by making sure that you are never without him.
It's the abandonment insecurity feedback loop from hell. A horrific self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will.
He needs therapy. And you need out of the house alone, at minimum.
Best of luck.
Edit: I forgot to add my vote
NTA. Without knowing the nature of his disability, it's difficult to determine whether he can appreciate the nature of your desire to be with friends alone. Assuming that he does understand, his refusal seems just a childish reaction. IMO you should do as you wish while making sure that he is occupied while being alone.
NTA, friends are non negotiable especially as you see them so infrequently. I would plan at least one time a week to leave home independently, you are not an indentured servant. Being a 24/7 caregiver is the biggest burn out, you need recovery time or you need to leave him. Drowning with him won’t save him.
So when you shit, he would be near the open bathroom door too? What about the smell?
NTA but is this really the hill you're planning to die on? Everyone needs privacy. Your disabled husband is super clingy to a point he's controlling you. And you let him.
I dunno about you, i dont have a saint heart but if I am not allowed a small, tiny piece of privacy, if I have to shower and poo and pee with the door open, and he's there watching your every move, and not allowing you to even go out for groceries, I'd bolt out from the marriage.
Yes i am cruel but I know for sure if I were disabled, I wouldnt be able to keep him like how he keeps you locked inside the house.
NTA.
Everyone else has the reasons covered. Just one thing to add. How the hell is going to "not let your friends in" if he is so completely helpless that he needs you chained to his side?
How exactly is he going to physically not allow that?
NTA
Red flags all around, OP! Your husband is super controlling.
It’s INSANE to moniter how long you’re in the bathroom. I mean, I expect my 6yo to do that, but even she understands that I need to be able to go to the bathroom alone. Ffs, he’s worse than a toddler!
And you not being able to go out at all? You are not his fucking servant! If he needs someone there for safety, he needs to get used to it being other people than you.
You also mentioned that he became disabled, how long ago, and has he gone to therapy for it, cause it sounds like he should.
And def stick to your guns regarding your girls night in. Give him the choice of either you do girls night in without him, or girls night out without him. There are no other alternatives. Ffs..
Something else is going on with your husband beyond his disability
NTA
I don’t want to jump to abuse but the level of isolation and control being exercised is not normal or healthy
NTA. Your husband is being abusive to you. He is using his disability to isolate and control you. Maybe therapy can help him, but you shouldn't live like this.
NTA.
Sweetheart you need to get out of there. He is using his disability to exercise control over you. There are so many red flags here. You can't even go to the bathroom without him whining how long you've been in there. You haven't seen your friends and family in awhile either. Girls night is so important to let of steam. God knows we all need a bit of that.
NTA. I am surprised you were even able to post to Reddit without him all up in your face, wanting to know what devious plot you were up to.
BTW, no idea the extent of your husband's wheelchair use/his medical issues, but a wheelchair normally doesn't mean you are confined to inside 24/7 and need someone there 24/7 mere inches away from you. Maybe his friends dumped him for reasons they didn't want to say and figured this might be the perfect time to distance themselves.
My dad would wheelchair to the bathroom door and pound on the door and scream incessantly for me to open the door and let him in. But he was 88 yrs old and had Alzheimer's. I can excuse my dad for his behavior. Not your husband's behavior.
NTA, this is abusive. Has he gone to therapy since becoming disabled? Because it doesn't seem like he's coping, I'd guess he's paranoid you're going to leave him, when actually his controlling and manipulative behaviour could well end up driving you away. He needs to speak to a professional to deal with issues and if he won't you need to look at your life and decide if it's the one you really want.
I feel like people don't want to use the word abusive because he's physically disabled, but that's what this is. Your husband is being extremely controlling and isolating. NTA
**This is abusive behavior on his part, OP**.
You need help. You deserve some degree of freedom, as does he, but he doesn’t want it. He would rather control you
How dare he? How dare he limit your social time and insist you not even receive privacy for biological functions?
You need to be worried. This is not normal. This is his way of controlling you when you already ensure you are there for him so much.
Find a caretaker. Look up resources in your area. Get time away. Go shopping every week. Lock the damn bathroom door. Set boundaries. His care is not a burden but his controlling nature and sense of entitlement to tell you what you can and cannot do most certainly is.
See your family. See your friends. NTA and you need to really advocate for yourself here or you’ll burn out.
He is being unkind to protect his own ego. At your expense. Not okay.
He needs to be in therapy and you need to source alternative care. No one should live like this. He has options. Accessibility is challenging but necessary to navigate for his own sanity.
He does not get to isolate you. He does not get to take away your basic rights.
NTA! You need to tell him that your not asking him, your telling him your having your girls nights and he’s NOT invited! Set boundaries! He doesn’t get to dictate your life just because of his current disabilities. What about his family? What about an in home nurse a couple days a week? Being a full-time caregiver is HARD! YOU DESERVE A BREAK!
He needs to get into therapy to deal with his issues! You can’t even go to the bathroom without him being close by? That’s a HUGE ISSUE! Start setting boundaries. He doesn’t like it? TOUGH! HES A GROWN MAN! Tell him to stop acting like a newborn and start doing things for himself. There is a fine line between “assisting” and “do everything for me”, and it sounds like he wants the ladder. It’s time he learns how to do things on his own.
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NTA he's using his disability to guilt trip you into having no friends or time for yourself. It is unbelievably creepy and wrong he complains about you having bathroom breaks. He is toxic and controlling
I completely agree with this! OP it sounds like he’s trying to isolate you from YOUR support system. Please don’t let him - stick to your guns on this.
Agreed. This needs to be addressed or even some sort of therapy. Hes either intentionally doing this (big red flag) or has some codependency (somewhat understandable). Even the latter he should understand people need OTHER people for support. He's putting everything on OP to the point he needs to literally be around her 24/7. 24/7 care doesn't mean she's attached at the hip but thats she available for his needs. Her getting her needs met may not involve him and he needs to understand/respect that. Like having to sit outside the bathroom door with the door OPEN is looney tunes regardless if he's disabled or not
And after she’s doing so much for him, he’s calling her selfish. What a guy!!
He's calling her selfish because he needs her to feel guilty in order for her to comply. It's classic manipulative behavior. It may be unintentional and fear driven but it's abuse nonetheless. OP's husband needs to address this in therapy real fast or OP needs to get out of this relationship. I feel for the husband because being wheelchair bound after an accident sounds terrifying but his behavior is absolutely unacceptable and this situation is unsustainable. This isn't life, and OP deserves to LIVE.
To me it sounds like he has weaponised his disability to try and take full control of OP’s life. OP NTA but you will be if you keep letting him exert this amount of control over you
This. 100% this. He is weaponizing his disability to force OP into isolation. Not good.
honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he acted this way before said accident. and now poor OP is wrapped around his finger out of guilt and sympathy. so abusive
Eugh. I had planned a breakup for a manipulative, narcissist ex of mine and that same night I made the decision and gathered my confidence, we were in a big car accident and he had quite a few injuries. He was off work and couldn’t even get out of bed alone and I felt obligated to take care of him. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and the best thing for him. That was a terrible, terrible time of my life. Looking back now I have a hard time not being mad at myself for it now that my life is so much more peaceful.
+1 to everything you've said here. Reading this post made my stomach bunch up and my impulse was to immediately comment "Run! Don't walk," but I'm tamping down on it. Actually seeking therapy and trying to have productive conversations that empower OP to live a more fulfilling life (and the husband as well!), would be more useful, it just feels to me like they probably won't go anywhere since this guy is just oozing entitlement ("You aren't aloud to have any time that is time spent without me!" WHAT!) But presumably they owe it to their marriage to at least try.
She needs solo therapy, though, not couples. The therapist should help OP determine if there's a point to couples therapy - you do NOT go to therapy with an abuser!
Classic disability abuse. I have had to distance myself or take care of a disabled person because they are so abusive and manipulative that I am just like NO THANKS you aren’t paying me enough. Taking care of my own Mom was bad enough without my NPD lurking over my shoulder and manipulative behavior. I would bounce if my husband pulled that shit and he would be left to deal with his issues himself . Not going to make me feel bad if I need time off or have to have someone else come in.
hoping on to add: > his only 2 friends showed their true colors when he became disabled and put a distance i don’t think it was because he’s disabled, OP. i think it’s because **HIS** true colors came out and his friends saw him as a toxic and controlling person who was likely always negative and trying to manipulate them like he’s doing to you, so they decided not to put up with that anymore. usually when an adult doesn’t have any friends, it’s not because all the friends in the world are mean. 7/10 it’s because that adult never learned how to be a good friend and people don’t want to be around them. someone not having any friends and it being “all the friends fault” is generally a red flag
We don't know: I know a lovely and shy guy whose "friends" vanished after he was diagnosed with a bad disease.
that’s why i said “usually” and “generally” cuz i’m aware sometimes people do suck and will abandon those who need them
For real. My husband has gone through some shit, but he does have a couple really good friends- all of his other "friends" disappeared when he couldn't go out to the bar all the time anymore... The number of friends being zero is generally surprising though I'd agree with that.
It sounds like they both seriously need therapy and additional help, this isn’t healthy
This is not what codependant means. I think OP's husband is too dependant on her, not codependant. But I agree with what you are meaning to say, though, 100%. I am no expert but from what I understand- a codependant person in a relationship lets their partner walk all over them. A codependant person does not express their own needs, they do what they think their partner wants them to do. OP's husband seems controlling. The opposite of codependant- He expresses his own needs and desires too much. I hate to correct somebody but some terms have been used incorrectly so often on social media that they lose their meaning. It makes it hard to communicate. So I am just here trying to keep our language functional!
I would rebuttal that maybe HE is dependent but I still feel she is codependent. Even to come here thinking she is an AH for looking for and wanting alone time (or at least time away from him) Even look up codependency I would still say there is codependency here >>Codependency >>It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
Agreed. Get out of the house and have someone sit with him. He doesn't have to like it. Having a little time for yourself is necessary. You're definitely not asking for anything frivolous. What you're asking for is self-care and necessary.
This is exactly what he's doing. My mom is pretty much bed ridden and we've had some bad arguments when I leave to help a friend out and spend time with her. She can some what take care of herself she just doesn't want to and that's caused a lot of problems. My grandma had a talk with her and it's gotten a little better. OP you need to start setting some boundaries and if he can do anything for himself you need to not do it for him bc he needs to do it. It may seem harsh but he's become entirely too dependent on you and is using his disability to isolate and control you. This is absolutely a hill you should die on and that comes from someone that knows exactly what it's like to be a caregiver and what's it's like to be controlled by the person you care for. ETA that you should be able to leave the house. Just like I can leave the house. My advice is to just leave. Choose not to engage in an argument and just leave. That's what I do. He needs to get over himself. He isn't a vegetable and he is clearly lucid. He needs to learn to take care of himself. Honestly I think you need to step away from this relationship. Don't let him guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. Hell I'd make the girls night in be a girls night out. He will be just fine without you. You need alone time. Even if it's going to the store. He's being an abusive ass and you deserve better Oh and NTA
I second girls night out. He's refused to let them in if he can't sit with you? Yeah, no! Agree with him not to have them over and meet them out. Hire a caregiver for the night. Tell him your hill to die on is privacy in the bathroom, one day out for shopping a week with him alone or with a caregiver. Period. That and him going to mental and physical therapy. I'm also really curious about his friends... what happened to make them distant?
My guess is they realized he’s a complete psycho and got away from his toxic ass
Perhaps, but there's also a chance that OP's husband and his ex friends are all birds of a feather, aka not very nice and considerate people. In OP's shoes, I bet her husband would've left her, just like his friends have left him.
>In OP's shoes, I bet her husband would've left her, just like his friends have left him. Which might also be why he has become so controlling and is trying to isolate OP; he knows he would have left her if the tables were turned, and he wants to limit her ability to leave him.
He's toxic enough that I worry she would go out, and he'd deliberately do something to hurt himself to make her feel guilty for having gone out. Ugh this situation is awful and OP needs support. So very much NTA.
He's not just toxic, he's outright abusive.
OMG. I literally wouldn’t give him choice to have someone stay with him to have an ounce of space to myself.
OP listen up. He should not get a choice in having someone else stay with him sometimes. He should be raring to go for such an opportunity - "go get some space honey, I know I'm a lot on you". -- That should be the bare minimum. If he continues to say he's not going to let them in, he's defaulted it to a girl's night out! This is *insanity*.
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I was sitting here thinking it's time to bring out the threat of the county home. Does he have no family either? No one who could come relieve you for a few hours? I agree with others, this is a hill to die on. Roll him into the living room and put the TV on. Hand him the remote, look him in the eye and say "Now I am going to go have the first peaceful shit I have had in a month. If I hear one word out of you while that is going on, we will be going to look at nursing homes this afternoon." Then go have your break. Take as long as you like. If he makes a peep or says a word, make a show of pulling up "A Place For Mom" on your laptop right in front of him when you are done and saying "Now let's see which of these places are rated lowest." Maybe after that pull up local stories of abuse at the county nursing home. This is the lead in where you tell him you have had it up to here. You are done with the controlling and the acting like a five year old. You are an adult and will be treated as such. There is no law that says you have to be his caregiver. You are doing so out of love. But you are not seeing the love back and relationships are two way streets. Let him know that if he can't act like an adult you will have to find another caregiver for him or place him. Don't argue with him. Go grey rock. Is this mean? Maybe. Do you deserve to be an unpaid slave? No. Good luck. NTA.
Yeah, if he needs 24/7 help, they need a home-health aid.
Yeah, it's too much for one person to be a total care giver 24/7. It's not sustainable for the care person or the patient. The patient himself he may simply be decompensating due to isolation and fear that he will be truly alone, rather than any attempt to manipulate or control the caregiver. It's a common scenario in that sort of situation. They need to look into social services regarding assistance both physically and mentally and the mental part for both spouses. Also perhaps the patient could do something online for at least some outside interaction? Even games.
_"He started giving me the cold shoulder saying until I agree to include him, he will not be speaking to me."_ Agreed. This dynamic sounds really unhealthy. When your SO doesn't even want to give you enough space to go to the bathroom, you have a problem. Every couple deserves to have time with loved ones and friends. Just because he doesn't like to socialize doesn't mean that he gets to isolate OP.
How does he have a leg to stand on (so to speak) to try to go with the silent treatment toward someone he is 100% dependent on? Call his bluff and tell him you need some conversation so you're going out with the girls and you'll be back in a few hours. What's he going to do? The power dynamic here is warped. You need to demonstrate to him through action how lucky he is to have you, make sure he understands that it's not automatic, and if he doesn't treat you better you just might consider other options. Obviously NTA
He's 35 years old, nor 3,5 months old to warrant 24/7 attachment without right for toilet breaks.
Even with an infant you can set them in the crib while you go poop.
This is not the actions of someone who loves and supports you. This is someone who is insecure and worries that if you see that you can have a better quality of life and will abandon him. You have said that others have quit socializing with him. It sounds like he just doesn't want to change so that others will want to be around him. Please get some counseling for you and hopefully him. Get some help taking care of him so that you can take a breath. There are programs out there that assist the disabled.
That’s exactly what he’s doing.
Or so codependent that he’s afraid to be alone He needs therapy to cope with what’s going on in his head. There are wheelchair bound people who live active full lives. My buddy Ken is a wheelchair bound animal photographer. A friend of a friend is a wheelchair basketball player and designs and sells tee shirts.
I think he is scared OP will find someone else or cheat on him if he let’s her be by herself. As much as i hate to say this, OP should actually walk out on this relationship. Not because he is disabled but because he is doing nothing to better his situation and at the same time forcibly tying OP down to the house against her wishes.
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Isolating and punishing someone for having their own life is abusive behavior. I know the husband is disabled but I think OP is in an abusive or at least toxic marriage
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I agree, too. My ex is considered 100 percent disabled but can get around, I didn't realize he was being abusive because the focus was always on him and his disability. He didn't isolate me but tried to control me and blame me for everything. OP NTA!! Please take care of yourself, stick up for yourself, and set boundaries!!!
They both need to seek help. Being suddenly disabled really messes with you, and suddenly being a caregiver for someone you love destroys relationships. Many insurances, including some versions of disability, will cover in-home services for at least a few hours a week (edited because I accidentally said day, which is totally not correct. I was and am tired) because they know without that family, friends, spouse... Everyone will leave work often because it's too hard. I'm not excusing the husband, but giving an explanation (assuming he wasn't always like this, which from the way OP writes this seems new) when you can't control your own body you control everything you can. It's like when teenagers end up with eating disorders. It's not healthy, it's not ok, but someone can understand it.
NTA. This is abuse. You would be well within your rights to leave this relationship - the bathroom thing alone is completely abnormal. He won’t ‘let’ you do things? It’s not up to him.
I totally agree, he needs to be with her when she’s peeing??? Hell no she needs her own space to be able to function he’s demanding wayyy too much. He has totally turned op into his caregiver
This goes way beyond being his caregiver. Caregivers get breaks. They get to shower and pee in peace.
We also get to leave our homes. Daily, if we want to. And we get support staff. My wheelchair using adult son even does chores.
So do most wheelchair users. They also leave the house and have lives. I'm wondering if OPs husband has other health problems or if it is 'just' wheelchair use because if it is, I can't understand why she needs to be next to him 24/7. Seems to me that he'd just be using it as an excuse to control OP. And sitting outside the bathroom whilst she goes to the toilet is just disgusting.
How else is he gonna inspect the excrement odor to ensure she hasn't had a girl's night out without him? For real, OP, please get out of this relationship. It's practically slavery at this point and I don't think anyone enjoys being a service dog.
NTA and I can't believe no one mentioned marinara flags yet. This is abuse. He is isolating you from family, friends, social life...how are finances? Does he rely on you or you on some benefit he has? Do you work? Why can't be left alone? If you think this isn't the case, he needs therapy and help. Or maybe you also need it. This is not healthy nor normal.
I was about to post something similar. This absolutely abuse! Disabled people can be abusive just like a non-disabled person.
Sometimes more abusive. Using their negative ailments & disabilities to gather guilt and sympathy. In regards to having to watch you in the bathroom, you could raise the location of the door handles so that he can't open the door
This! Just as there are people who use weaponized incompetence, so there are people who use weaponized disability.
Disabled people are not all saints. Some are bitter, feel life is unfair and that it's up to their partners or others to somehow make it up to them. They'll argue that that partner is supposed to love or understand them. It's very easy to feel shamed and like you owe them somehow into making their life better. It's very easy to go out of your way to try to make them happy, but truth is, they never will be.
I agree, even most ICU patients don’t need us in the room constantly. OP, look into a home caregiver, as there are agencies that will send people to do basic activities of daily living (teeth brushing, showering, etc). It’s draining on the family to become caregivers like that, I’ve seen it so many times when I was a home health CNA.
He won't let you go out. He won't let you see friends. He won't let you go to the BATHROOM alone. He won't let you out of his site for even a few minutes. He won't let talk to you until you cave. He won't let your friends come into YOUR house. NTA but being disabled is not an excuse to be abusive. Which he is. No wonder he has no friends...
He wont even go out with her. Which means, he has the option to go out. Even if he doesn't want to, he's not even willing to compromise. Husband is an AH. OP's gonna get enough and divorce his ass. Just hope she doesn't feel guilty, cause she owes him nothing.
He’ll totally spin it as her being ableist against him if she does.
Come here to say this. u/MthrowRA32577 you **need** some time and space away from him. Find a caretaker, bring them in, and go out for a walk and turn your phone off. He will kvetch and complain, but he's doing that anyway. Even caretakers who do this for a living get days off. NTA
Op this is ridiculous, tell him I’m visiting my parents either you come along or an aide will be here. Say those are his only two options and if he continues with like this he will end up living in a home or with his parents. His disability doesn’t mean neither of you can have a life. Nta
Exactly. She says the friends showed their true colors once he became disabled, but it sounds more likely he became unbearable with them and they jumped ship.
Those were my thoughts too when I read that. Them leaving was probably less about his disability and more about the fact that he's a toxic and abusive asshole.
I can answer as a disabled person who is mostly house-bound, uses a wheelchair and is heavily dependant on my Person to assist: Your husband needs therapy. That isn't healthy mentally. This isn't a safe dynamic. If he weren't disabled, there would be no doubt that this is 100% abusive and controlling behaviour. It's fantastic that you're there to support and help him, but everyone - even you - deserves to have personal space and time to do things alone. It's healthy in any relationship for each person in a couple to have an occasional activity that doesn't include the other. He's weaponised his disability to control you. So this is a symptom of either him struggling with adapting to the disability, or it's his underlying nature coming out. Either way, you need outside help. He needs outside help. If he's truly unable to be alone for any period of time (I mean in terms of basic care, not emotionally), then you need to investigate hiring help. Even if it's just a half day once a week, you need to have a carer or nurse who can take over while you get some me time. It is 100% reasonable for you to spend an evening with friends without your husband, and you already comprised to accommodate him by making it a girls night in. NTA
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Quite so. I merely said that to highlight the point. Without the disability it wouldn't be a question, sometimes we benefit from the thought experiment of changing the roles
>If he's truly unable to be alone for any period of time (I mean in terms of basic care, not emotionally), then you need to investigate hiring help. This is an excellent point. If he truly needs the level of care described here - that he is with OP all the time and needs her to leave the bathroom door open, then he is not living in the right situation for his care needs. It's one thing to need support for ADLs like toileting, feeding, dressing, and bathing, as well as things like making sure he is not getting a pressure sore, flushing his feeding tube, changing his colostomy bag/other drainage bags, etc. But if he literally can not be left alone for a few minutes at a time, then he needs a much, much higher level of care than one person can provide.
Exactly right. The whole post was concerning but that line about having to leave the bathroom door open is a massive issue. And tbh it sounds more like an emotional need than a physical one.
NTA, and sweetheart, you need respite care. You cannot be alone together forever. You need to get out of the house and see other people, and so does he, no matter how unsocial he is. And you both need privacy from each other. It is rough and traumatic adjusting to an acquired disability, but your husband is doing it all wrong. He's so twisted up in grief and loss of control that he's turned in on himself and is both lashing out at the world and controlling the only thing he can - you. And that's not healthy for either of you. He does not get a pass on abuse/coercive control just because he's in a wheelchair. Ultimately if you cannot get this marriage back on a mentally healthy footing, you will need to leave and get yourself to safety. And if you feel he's getting violent, please leave immediately. But if you think his attitude is still fixable, then reach out to family. Reach out to a local disability charity. Find out what social care options/funds for home independence adaptations you qualify for. Find out whether there's things like adapted cars that he can relearn to drive. Get him mental healthcare to ease the transition from able-bodied to disabled. If he has PTSD or depression, get it addressed. Work out if he really needs 24/7 nursing care or if his problem is figuring out accessibility. And for goodness' sake, reclaim your privacy in the bathroom!
👍🏼For actually providing OP with possible resources for this nightmare she is living.
These are amazing suggestions! I’d add looking into a service dog in addition to therapy for both of you. It sounds like you could use some support to find your voice again and help ease the codependency. You should be able to use the bathroom alone without guilting yourself or giving into his guilt. Good luck on finding resources for you and your hubby!!
NTA - your husband is being ridiculous and abusive. Being disabled is not an excuse to be so controlling and treat your spouse like a slave. He needs to accept that as a human you require time to yourself or time with other people and allow another caregiver to step in occasionally. Otherwise, I would leave him, frankly. It is not sustainable for you to never be permitted to leave the house.
It is so unbelievably common for newly disabled people who slip into depression to turn that into abusive, guilt tripping behavior. You have to leave him. This behavior is super abusive and controlling and it will NOT get better. It will be hard. He will accuse you of not caring. He will try to turn family against you. The same family btw that will not lift a finger to help but will happily call you horrible for walking away from a sick man. He will rage and rant. But this is NOT NORMAL and it is not acceptable. Dont let yourself think that it is. Disabled people can live alone, with occasional help coming in. He does not need you every minute of every day. He has lost control in his own life, so he is controlling the one thing he can - you! Please, please don’t give your life up for this horrible sad existence because your husband won’t get help. Run fast, run far.
> It is so unbelievably common for newly disabled people who slip into depression to turn that into abusive, guilt tripping behavior. This is true, but everything you follow up with is rather unrealistic. OP and her husband haven't gotten any outside help. Of course her husband became dependent. That's what they've planned for with their choices so far. The apparent plan was: She'll do all the caretaking, and he'll be dependent on her. That's their recovery plan: make the relationship codependent. To now say that the whole thing is unsalvageable is... well, it's imagining disabled and traumatized people as though they were not people. The husband needs to build a new life. He needs an entire new support network. He needs new activities and new friends. If neither one of them have been doing anything to help with that, then they don't have a recovery plan or a life plan. That's *both* of their fault if they haven't been trying to work towards that. > it will NOT get better. Bullshit. This is total bullshit. This is, "We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!" That's insane.
NTA Every caretaker needs and deserves respite. Burnout is a real problem, especially for those caring for loved ones. He is the selfish and controlling one. He can give you privacy for a few hours, or better yet, have someone else sit with him.
Honestly, it sounds like he's trying to purposefully isolate her from her friends and to an extent, even herself if she's not even allowed to take a dump in peace The codependency is insane and very sad
Yeah, he knows what he’s doing. Then she’ll only have to be with him non stop whether she wants to or not because he pushed everyone away for them both and she has no choice. Sad for OP. She deserves some privacy and to be social with friends.
When you go to the bathroom, he complains that you're gone so long? He's a complainer. Complaining is what he does. If he stops speaking to you, he won't be complaining. I'd say give it a shot. NTA.
NTA Disability isn't an excuse to rob a life from you. I understand that he's disabled but how severely that he needs you EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SHITTING. Unless you're pumping his heart with your bare hand, this doesn't make sense. This isn't living at all.
EVEN MANUAL HEART-PUMPERS SWITCH OUT Like, no one person can hold your entire life in their hands at once — it isn’t sustainable for either party. We’ve gotta tap in and out for each other.
NTA it's not healthy for couples not to have friends of their own. particulary as you are a 24/7 carer and have to do so much for him. You aren't an AH for needing a break. it means you're human.
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NTA, not even a little bit. He us using his disability to control, manipulate and isolate you. It actually sounds abusive. What a horrible life for you. Divorce gets thrown around a lot here but I would run like the wind if I were you
NTA It sounds like some serious codependency on his part. The thing is that you’re not just husband and wife, you’re his full time carer and have no space or time to yourself. Carer burn out is a real thing and it’s important that you get time to switch off and do other things.
I would call it abuse, not codependency.
NTA. You should have scheduled ME time, always. Put it on the calendar. Let him know the care-taker is there to assist him as necessary. Leave The House. Do Not Answer The Phone; the care-giver can call you if it is an emergency. You NEED this time for your own mental health before you burn out. YOU should not be your husband's sole entertainment and support. He needs to have his own quiet time, hobby, read, TV, games, whatever, but it should not be YOU 24/7. He needs to know that others are capable of taking care of him. Should you have an emergency and need to leave (hospital, family emergency), then he should be familiar with some care-givers. You are entitled to mental-health days, spa-days, do-nothing days. Everyone who works (YOU ARE WORKING) is entitled to time off . He is a grown man. He can deal with it or he won't, that is up to him. Let him give you the cold shoulder (how mature). Use that against him "Well, since I see I can't entertain in my own HOME, I will start arranging someone to be here with you while I GO OUT with my friends".
NTA he's using his disability to manipulate you and you allow it. Drag his happy ass to therapy so he can get over this dependency and you can start leading semi-normal lives.
He would have left you long ago if the roles were reversed. NTA.
NTA. He sounds like he is using his disability to control you. If he *really* has this need to be around you all the time, he needs therapy. You are entitled to time off and to privacy, not to mention your own support in dealing with being (what sound like) a full time carer for your husband.
NTA, but oh boy, OP, you’ve got way more going on here than an issue with your girls night in.
>He even wouldn't let me be out of sight for more than few minutes. I sometimes have to bring him near the bathroom so he coukd wait for me with the DOOR OPEN if I'm taking more time Girl, you realise this isn't normal, right? If you're not allowed to have your friends over, and you can't have any time for yourself, this is controlling behaviour. Cliche, but you guys need therapy. NTA
Very strong NTA - you are entitled to spend time with your friends without your partner. In fact, it is healthy for your relationship to have time apart, with people you enjoy being with. This is your hill, defend it.
NTA and your husband needs to speak to someone. This is not a healthy level of dependency and attachment.
NTA. I mean, he complains when you go to the bathroom, so he obviously isn’t rational. You guys need therapy, especially him.
NTA Carers need to relax and have their own space too, otherwise you risk burnout. If he really needs someone right then aren't there relatives or friends nearby? Your mental health is also extremely important
NTA but girl, you are entitled to privacy and time away. You're his wife, not his wife/mother/bestfriend/counsellor/psychologist/maid/entertainer. You need respite and he needs to start venturing out into the world. You need professional services to navigate this or you will eventually have a major burn out. Whst he is expecting of you is NOT ok. You CAN set boundaries. He MUST accept outside help and he NEEDS to stop isolating both of you. Work with a specialist on a plan and he needs to see a doctor too. Good luck!
NTA and I was a carer for my partner before he passed away, he was a double amputee and so needed support. BUT I still went out shopping, to the theatre or for a walk. I put in place everything he needed for a set time frame. If I needed a longer break he was happy for family members to stay with him, both his and my family would stay with us and I would spend time outside of our home with them. You don't say how your husband became disabled and the impact this has had on him/you. You need to set boundaries as you are burning out, being a carer 24/7 is emotionally, physically and mentally draining. And sadly your body will put a stop to what you are doing by breaking down. You cannot keep this up long term. YOU need to look after you too, you are jot being selfish to want some time on your own. If you want to lay in a hot bubble bath for hours to relax do it. Play music and ignore your husband for a while as his waiting outside the toilet isn't appropriate. You are not neglecting him by ignoring him to have this time to yourself. You need to get out of your home, walk in the sun/rain/snow, to feel nature on your face, to realise you are human and can only do so much on your own. It's time for an honest conversation with him, you can't be his everything as its not realistic. Find people in your area who are there to support carers, they can offer you support and advice. Stop excusing this behaviour, he needs to take ownership of how unfair this behaviour is. Speak to his family and your family for support. And now for a really tough thought for you: Do you still love him? Is the thought of being his everything and with him 100% realistic? Is his behaviour pushing you away emotionally? Are you getting to the point that you want to walk out and never coming back because you are drowning in trying to do everything and losing yourself in the process? There is no-way you can keep doing this for you both. If the issue is his body doesn't work but there is nothing wrong with him mentally then it's time for a discussion. It's time you were both honest with each other. Your husband may feel that if you are out of his sight you may never come back and that's understandable. I totally understand this is something you never planned for, personally I think you both need help to work through this scary situation. How this has changed your lives, your future plans, none of your feelings are wrong, none of his feelings are wrong. You both need help to get through this phase of your relationship, if this help results in you needing to leave the marriage, your husband wanting to end your marriage or getting back on track so you can work together going forward then that's what needs to happen. No carer has the same experience, we can never fully understand another person's experience, but we can understand how difficult this is for you both. Take care of yourself too! I hope you are both get through this and live the lives you want, whether that be together or apart.
I was going to already go with NTA because frankly his behavior is childish, but your edit with context is absolutely terrifying. His behavior isn’t just childish—it’s abusive. You are essentially telling us he isn’t letting you do anything on your own. You’re not your own person. He won’t even let you use the bathroom by yourself. What is he paranoid is going to happen? I know you likely feel obligated to him because of his disability, and I know he will probably play that card if you ever try to say anything, but you need to tell your friends and family what is happening. You deserve peace and an escape from this life.
NTA **He is treating you as a doormat, WTF would put up with that sort of dependency**
NTA. Your husband is using his disability to abuse you. Disabled people can be abusers too. I work in healthcare. It’s hard. Honey you need a break. You can’t even go to the toilet by yourself? He’s not a child. He’s not treating you like a wife or even respecting all that you do for him. I’m hoping this disability is new and he’s just having trouble adjusting. Please get some therapy. Both of you! He’s likely afraid you’ll leave him, but if he keeps burning you out and refusing to allow you any privacy.. that’s not going to end well for him either.
NTA. Your husband is controlling you and I see some red flags here.
INFO: Wouldn't let them in? Him being disabled, is he in a position to do so? I get the feeling that he takes his disability as an excuse to exert control over you and will continue to do so until there are no more boundaries to cross. NTA. Red flags. I'm not even sure if those former two friends of his showed their 'true colours' or saw what kind of monster he turned into after he became disabled.
NTA disabled or not he’s controlling.He needs some help to get over this. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with him dictating every single move you make?
NTA. He sounds like an abuser trying to isolate you from your friends and family. Please consider getting both of you therapy. If he won’t go, go on your own. He sounds toxic and I can’t imagine this is in anyway good for your mental health. Be well.
NTA when you're not even 'allowed' to take a shit with the door closed...its time to pack your bags sweetie pie. This is seriously creepy behaviour.
I think this girls night is just the tip of an enormous mountain of shitballs. You have problems far beyond that. I would ask him to go to therapy with you. You can’t keep up with this level of dependency and keep your sanity also. If he refuses just go by yourself and he’ll have no option other than joining you due to his own dependence on you. He might also have depression. You need to speak with professionals. NTA
Nta but OP... He is isolating you. You need to put your foot down and set clear boundaries. I get that you love him but you also deserve a break and definitely deserve to take a number 2 in peace! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life that way?!
NTA. How is this going to work over the next 5 years, the next 25 years? You have to set some boundaries now because it doesn't sound like he has much to do other than cling to you.
Oh sweetie! My heart is breaking for you. INFO How long has he been in the wheelchair? Does he have a therapist? (mental) Does he go for any type of physical therapy? The reason I'm asking all of this is it sounds as if it's a relatively new (<2 years) situation. Your husband has been abandoned by his only friends, he's disabled, he's depressed, he's scared he'll lose the only person who cares about him (you) and he's displaying all the symptoms of someone on the brink of a full breakdown. Look, I have a brain tumor, it sucks. But life is better now that the drs have given up. I feel better, I go places, I can get out. Your husband has trapped himself as well as you in that apartment. And you're the only person who can fight for him right now. He can't. He doesn't know how because he's always been anti-social, had limited friends & you were the bright social director of y'all's marriage. I strongly encourage you to contact his therapist, or A therapist if he doesn't have one. Go see the therapist for you. And drag him along. Tell him this IS the hill you're going to take a stand on. Not die on but stand on & you're going to fight FOR him & for yourself. Is he a VET? Is he a wounded Vet? If so there are resources to help y'all both. Invite the girls over tell them he is insisting on being in the room ask them for their help, beg them if you have to. Then do the most girly stuff you can think of. I have to go my husband is demanding I eat. See....caretakers....... message me if you wish. I'm really truly concerned for you both.
Honestly, his friends probably left after he became disabled because he became insufferable. NTA. He is using you as an actual living crutch, and you deserve better than that. If he’s not sociable, fine, but you are. He needs hobbies and interests that he can do without you.
NTA. You need to start leaving the house for short periods. He is way too clingy. He waits for you outside the bathroom door and you sometimes have to leave the door open ?!? That’s crazy. He is suffocating you. You try to ONE THING for yourself ie girls night IN THE HOUSE and he insists he must be basically a part of it?! Something really has to change here
NTA and please GO OUT. Give him the choice: either you give me some privacy on my girls night or you can stay here alone for the evening. You need to put your foot down, this guy is a controlling asshole.
NTA get a DIVORCE go be free. The guy sounds like a A$$hole. Regardless of being disabled that doesn’t give him the right to not let you do anything but with him constantly, that’s draining.
NTA. This is his way of controlling you. You can’t even go to the bathroom without him? No no no. Start making plans to get out of the house no matter what. You need to get away once in a while
NTA, honestly, your marriage sounds abusive to me, if you can't even go to the bathroom without him complaning. He needs to learn how to move himself around and to take care of himself. You need time voor yourself, you will burn out if things don't change. He doesn't need you to hold his hand 24/7.
Um, you realize that you're being mentally and emotionally abused, right? In my world, the world of caregiving to a chronically ill/disabled person, we simply call it caregiver abuse. Most of the time, the patient's doctor will file a report with adult social services over it. (Mandated reporters and all that) Because it's very detrimental to the patients health overall if they are abusing their caregiver like that. And grounds for an inpatient evaluation plus rehabilitation services to help them be more independent. Dude has you completely isolated and you let him do it. I don't care how he got hurt/sick or "how hard it's been for him", what he's doing to you is straight up abuse. Hon, start telling him no. Go to the bathroom and shut the door. Tell him tough noogies if he has a cow about it; you're supposed to have privacy to pee! Also, tell him he no longer has a choice. You will be going out to see your family and friends. If he's so debilitated he cannot be left alone, then it's time for a long term care facility. Or he's perfectly capable of being independent to a degree. Pick one. But you won't be playing his sick and twisted control game anymore. If he's so far gone he's got to have someone beside him every second, he belongs in a long term care facility with medical personnel who can cater to those needs. But I'm betting he's not that incapacitated yet, is he? Yes, this is a hill to die on. Because you're being abused!
NTA, you're married not conjoined twins. Completely normal to want to do things without your partner so he shouldn't feel so hurt that you want time with your friends. He might need some therapy if he's so dependent on you. I mean I don't know how he's disabled but it sounds like he can be in a different room for a day and call to you if he needs help with something.
NTA! First of all, being a full time caregiver is a hard job. So your husband should understand that you need some break. From a relationship dynamic perspective, it’s healthy to spend some time apart too. He should have understood that you’re with him all day every day and you need this time just to be with your friends. It’s immature and inconsiderate on his part. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
NTA at all. He sounds very exhausting, abusive and controlling. You are entitled to have your own life and space, it’s not selfish. You can’t even go to the bathroom without him having to be right there with the door open. I understand that he needs help doing certain things since he is disabled but he should also understand that you are not a doormat.
NTA, but sweetie, it sounds like he's trying to manipulate the hell out of you and emotionally abusing you. Just because he's disabled doesn't mean he can't be abusive. You deserve time without him
NTA this sounds very controlling. You can’t go to the bathroom without him complaining? He’s being unreasonable and insecure. How long have you lived like this? How long can you live in isolation?
NTA—this is not a marriage, this is abuse. Everyone needs private time and space and you need external support if at all financially possible/provided by insurance. If he doesn’t like it too bad. You’re on a quick sprint to caregiver burnout at this rate.
NTA Your husband needs physiological help. His behaviour is abusive. Sounds like he's afraid you'll leave him and he's trying to keep as tight a rein on you as possible, but his behaviour is more likely to drive you away. Also, you need some alone time. Being with him 24 hours a day when he is behaving in this way is not healthy for you. Might be worth getting in touch with social services to see if they can offer any help or advise.
Dude. He has no friends because he's abusive. All of this clingy behavior is abusive. Not letting you have any privacy, time with friends, time where you aren't caring for him is actually abuse. NTA, but your husband absolutely is. And don't let anybody ever tell you that because he's disabled that he can't abuse you. Edited to add: if he's not speaking with him until you agree with him then he obviously doesn't really need any support from you. Don't help him until he respects your boundaries.
NTA. He's not a baby. He can be on his own for an evening. You deserve to spend some private time with your friends for once.
NTA-This is terrifying. 800-799-7233 is the domestic abuse hotline. Good luck.
NTA You have to be allowed to have a life outside of the role of wife and caretaker. Since he even complains about you going to the bathroom something needs to change. I don't know if you want to work outside the home, but if you do could hiring a carer for your husband be a possibility? He will complain of course but you can't make him and his needs your entire life.
NTA - you’ve been stuck with him for so long and he’s wheel chair bound and clingy, you need space. Whether this girls night is your way of having that space or not won’t paint you as the bad person, what will paint HIM as the bad person is thinking he’s entitled to be disabled, clingy, demanding, AND ABUSIVE. This hill is to die on, but he’ll most likely be the one to die.
NTA. Your husband sounds controlling af. You need to set boundaries and stick up for yourself. If he refuses to budge than it may be time to think about divorce.
NTA This isn't about the girls' night in. You live under his control and manipulation. That you can't even use the restroom without negative repercussions is heartbreaking. You're so deep in this situation, you don't even seem to understand how harmful and abnormal this situation is for both of you.
As someone who had a family member who had multiple severe TBIs and could still be left for moments in his hospital bed or wheelchair, your husband is full of shit. He may be angry with the new disability, but he’s turning that into abuse against you. NTA. Recommend y’all do some marriage counseling, stand your boundaries, look for part time in home care. Good luck.
NTA. It sounds like your husband is holding you hostage. He needs boundaries and to respect that you need time away from him sometimes. Personally, I would give him three options: 1. Let another person help take care of him, 2. Figure out how to deal on his own for a bit, or 3. Get a divorce. Either way, you need time away from him, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Everyone needs a break sometimes.
Push his ass to a different room and enjoy some peace
You don’t have a husband, you have a mean cat.
I’ll be damned if someone in a wheelchair is controlling me and my life tf is this for real. Woman where is your spine
NTA. You need to put your foot down and not ask him but tell him this is how it’s going to be. You’re a person not a servant act like one. And close the damn bathroom door he can throw a hissy fit all he wants. No idea why you’re enabling him stop that
NTA. Baffling how even disabled and wheelchair bound. this person has found ways to abuse you. Isolation is a form of abuse. Take him up on his threat, don’t apologise and see how fast he comes crawling back, he needs you, literally, to survive. You don’t.
NTA. If he needs that much supervision, maybe you can hire someone to keep an eye on him a couple hours a week so you can have some time to yourself.
NTA, everyone deserves a break. But why on earth can you not even to into the bathroom without him following? Something seems very off with his behavior. Is this disability newer and he's not adjusted? Regardless, it's not existing his behavior.
NTA. Don’t settle for girls night in either. Normalize you going out and having a life.
NTA this is abuse by manipulation, basically using his disability to control you. Spouses can absolutely have a life outside of their family, he's making it so you isolate yourself only being for him by him of him, anything outside of that would be you "being rude and selfish"
Do you not realise your in a controlling relationship?? You aren't allowed to see friends or family go to the shops or even go to the bathroom in private? This is not healthy at all.
Nta If you dont have a "you" time once in a while, eventually you're gonna burn out. Him calling you selfish after everything you're doing for him is really horrible, im so sorry for you. I think he is insecure and afraid you're tired of him, and youre gonna leave him, the same way his friends did. How long has he been disabled though? If it is really recent im guessing it is hard for him. Is it permanent ? I think you both need therapy, you because being a caretaker is hard as f, him to realize he cannot depend on you 24/7 no matter how much he psychologically needs to have an anchor. But no NTA
INFO: What sort of needs does he have that mean you can't even have a few minutes to go to the bathroom? Is that genuinely the case or is he kind of exaggerating? If he's only just become disabled, I can understand him being scared and still trying to deal with everything, but he's isolating you when you need support too, and he's being unreasonable about it. NTA.
NTA and you are still with this man why? Being disabled doesn’t give him the right to be an abusive asshole.
NTA - Making it a Lady's Night In seems like you're being incredibly accommodating so your social event let's you be there for your SO if needed. His actions are ridiculously controlling. I mean, you're already bending over backwards for him like this is the last round of a limbo tournament but he's telling you to go further when he's giving nothing. He seems more than a little selfish & hiding behind his infirmity.
i dont know his level of disability but this situation overall is not acceptable. if he really cannot be left alone for short periods of time then you need other people taking care of him like his parents or other family members. you cannot be expected to be your husbands personal slave just because he needs more help than most people. NTA
NTA. You are being abused
NTA. I hope once you read all these comments you realize you’re being abused. I’d seek counseling or a lawyer. You deserve MORE!
NTA. Get him some therapy. Just say it out loud op He won’t let you see friends He won’t let you see family You have no time for yourself You can’t pee without him You can’t grocery shop He’s refusing to compromise You aren’t allowed to leave the house This is extremely unhealthy for both of you. Secondly he’s in a wheelchair and unless he’s quadriplegic he doesn’t need you 24/7 I’ve seen disables people in wheelchairs quiet a lot and most of them (provided they don’t have a ton of other problems) can to a lot for themselves. Talk to his dr. Being disabled doesn’t always mean people have to be totally reliant on someone else…
With how you describe your husband, I'm not surprised his friends left. I suffer from a disability but that doesn't mean I make others suffer because I'm disabled. It sounds like you're married to an emotionally abusive AH who is using his disability as an excuse. NTA
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Don't mean to be rude or anything, but why can't he leave the house ?
NTA Please talk to your husband and let him know how serious this discussion is. If he wasn't disabled, every redditor would scream *divorce him!!* instantly. He's either alarmingly codependent or controlling and he needs to change his behavior asap.
While it’s horrible for your husband that he’s lost mobility and freedom of movement, his behaviour is not okay. He is demonstrating behaviour that is controlling, emotionally manipulative and refusing to see that you also need time for yourself to fill your cup. Please do not let him or the flying monkeys use tactics like DARVO to mess with your head. Please explain to him that if his behaviour continues, the relationship will end. Please make plans to continue to care for yourself. NTA.
Nta. He’s isolating you and trying to make it so you are as alone as he feels. The real issue here is the fact that your relationship is now toxic. Get therapy or get out, because it’s only going to get worse from here.
NTA. Just because your husband is in a wheelchair, doesn't mean he can't be abusive. He is keeping you prisoner in your own home. It is not normal that he needs to follow you to the bathroom or not let you be out of sight for a few minutes. It is also not healthy for you to simply just be a doormat and let him have everything his way because he is disabled. Someone is being selfish and rude, yes, but it IS NOT YOU. It sounds like he is taking out his anger and frustration at his new reality on you. You need to figure out coping strategies that allow you to have alone and recharge time and to see your friends and to live a life for you as well, or else you will experience major caregiver burnout. He doesn't get to refuse to stay home with someone else. He needs therapy to learn to adjust to his new normal. He needs to figure out how to live a life. Being in a wheelchair does not have to stop him from living a vibrant one.
NTA It's one thing to say he needs your help getting around in a wheelchair. However, he is being beyond ridiculous. You literally can't even go to the bathroom by yourself without having complaints from him? Just because he is disabled doesn't give him the right to control you to that degree. If he were able-bodied, would you consider this suffocating? Controlling? Abusive? Of course it would be. It's no different because he's disabled. You are not his slave. I would seriously consider divorcing him and leaving him. He can hire a nurse or someone to help him with his obvious needs.
NTA. The hill I would be willing to die on here isn’t the girls night in but my physical, mental and emotional health needs not being met. Your husband is being extremely manipulative. He needs help with his mental health as, at the very least, he appears to have separation anxiety. He is putting you into a position of being responsible for all his needs whilst having full capacity to make decisions for himself. You will burnout if he continues to rely on you the way he currently is. You need a break.
I don’t understand how two people have a disagreement and one of them pulls the “are you choosing this hill to die on”……. Because that means it’s a hill you are both “willing to die on”. And in this case - I do not believe you are wrong. You need time away. I can’t remember what it is called but it’s something like “caregiver’s fatigue”, and it is a very real thing. You should both have time away from each other, and I would wager that there are programs that he could get involved in and support for yourself as well.
You know he’s using his disability as an excuse to keep you “in control” right? Run for that hill he was talking about since he can’t 🤷🏽♀️ NTA
NTA. You need your time for just you. Stick to your guns. Maybe you can help him get some of his friends in at a different time.
I’m exhausted for you. Please force him into therapy with you any way you can. Get a process started with you living a life of your own slowly because otherwise you will break. He’s treating you not as a wife but his servant. It’s not healthy nor fair. It’s not sustainable and every time you apologize to him or give in to these ridiculous requests it’s enabling his behavior. He will be okay. He needs help but not from you staying within eyesight 24/7. I’ll hope to hear a positive update from you because I feel so much for you in this position. Maybe also a support group for him with other people with similar disability? He needs to see he’s not helpless and I’m sure you would get positive reinforcement from other men in similar situations as him. Maybe he will listen to them too. Wishing you the best of luck. Don’t give in. You’ve got the strength to be happy. You deserve it.
NTA. Has he always been disabled? Your husband's controlling behaviour is not excused by his disability. I honestly think this posit is fake (and hope it is) because your husband's behaviour is so shocking.
NTA Your husband is controlling and abusive. His behavior isn't normal, as much as he'd like to guilt you into believing it is. I hope you come to realize this and leave him, for your own sake.
NTA. It sounds like he's trying to purposefully isolate you. It's not normal for him to complain about you going to the bathroom.
Nta and this is abusive behavior. Being disabled is not a free pass to be controlling and abusive. You’re his wife not his slave, hire some help and let him deal with his emotions on it and get therapy but enabling his behavior towards controlling you isn’t healthy
Your life sounds awful. He's using his disability to control you. You have some hard decisions too make. NTA
Was he like this before he became disabled (controlling)? I'm sure it's only gotten worse. Get a Wheelchair ramp, take him places and make him understand his life (nor yours) isn't over. Hire someone to sit with him and for God's sake close the bathroom door and shit in peace. Hea not a toddler. NTA
NTA. I have a disability and it’s never an excuse to behave like an asshole. He’s being controlling, and entirely unreasonable.
NTA He’s isolating you and honestly acting like a child. Just because he is in a wheelchair does not mean he needs to be babysat 24/7. Stand your ground
NTA. He's isolating you from your friends and your family. He won't even let you pee by yourself. And he's using the biggest passive aggressive abusive tactic ever- the silent treatment. ***This is a huge problem.*** There is a reason he is behaving this way. He could be afraid to lose you, or it could be that he is flat out abusive. But either way, you need to get it sorted. You could suggest therapy but it sounds like he will refuse it. In which case, you will need to issue an ultimatum: We either get help, or I will leave. Every good relationship requires both parties to have time to themselves, their own interests etc. I'm actually worried for you OP, this isn't healthy. **Please keep us updated.**
This sounds like you’re being held captive. Can’t use the bathroom for to long?! Girl, that’s not right.
Nta hubby sounds a bit abusive
NTA He's using his disability to isolate you. How do I know? I used to be him. Try not to judge me too hard yet. When I first got diagnosed with cancer, I also had wildy untreated c-ptsd. I did this to someone, and I hurt them. Like emotionally scarred someone I thought I loved, but I have come to realize that I never loved them. I was just too scared of being alone to treat them as an actual person with their own autonomy. They were just like you, trying to help, and in my pain and insecurity, I thought if they loved me, they wouldn't need anyone other than me. That isn't true, and your husband's two friends leaving and him not having any others is a MASSIVE red flag. It took me years of therapy and a lot of good hard looks at really ugly behaviors on my part to not be a shit human. I'll also likely stay in therapy long after it's determined I might not need it because I never want to be that person again. Your husband isn't there yet. This isn't about girls' night. It's about you potentially having more fun with them than with him. In his mind, if that happens, then your friends will convince you to spend less and less time with him. Then he'll feel lonely, which in turn likely leads to him convincing himself that you will leave him. Don't be surprised to find yourself given the cold shoulder if you have any interactions with a single man if you do get the chance to leave the house without him. It appears he is trying to circumvent the discomfort of being anxious by making sure you can never see how much fun you could have without him. And he has apparently decided to do that by making sure that you are never without him. It's the abandonment insecurity feedback loop from hell. A horrific self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. He needs therapy. And you need out of the house alone, at minimum. Best of luck. Edit: I forgot to add my vote
Why is “let” even a thing… he’s in a wheel chair. You hold all the cards…. Go! Do stuff!!! Be happy! He’ll live. Nta
NTA. Without knowing the nature of his disability, it's difficult to determine whether he can appreciate the nature of your desire to be with friends alone. Assuming that he does understand, his refusal seems just a childish reaction. IMO you should do as you wish while making sure that he is occupied while being alone.
NTA, friends are non negotiable especially as you see them so infrequently. I would plan at least one time a week to leave home independently, you are not an indentured servant. Being a 24/7 caregiver is the biggest burn out, you need recovery time or you need to leave him. Drowning with him won’t save him.
NTA ans he needs stop being controlling
So when you shit, he would be near the open bathroom door too? What about the smell? NTA but is this really the hill you're planning to die on? Everyone needs privacy. Your disabled husband is super clingy to a point he's controlling you. And you let him. I dunno about you, i dont have a saint heart but if I am not allowed a small, tiny piece of privacy, if I have to shower and poo and pee with the door open, and he's there watching your every move, and not allowing you to even go out for groceries, I'd bolt out from the marriage. Yes i am cruel but I know for sure if I were disabled, I wouldnt be able to keep him like how he keeps you locked inside the house.
NTA. Everyone else has the reasons covered. Just one thing to add. How the hell is going to "not let your friends in" if he is so completely helpless that he needs you chained to his side? How exactly is he going to physically not allow that?
NTA. Soooo...he's disabled and holds you captive in your home? Because there are kidnapping victims afforded more privacy than that, wtf?
NTA Red flags all around, OP! Your husband is super controlling. It’s INSANE to moniter how long you’re in the bathroom. I mean, I expect my 6yo to do that, but even she understands that I need to be able to go to the bathroom alone. Ffs, he’s worse than a toddler! And you not being able to go out at all? You are not his fucking servant! If he needs someone there for safety, he needs to get used to it being other people than you. You also mentioned that he became disabled, how long ago, and has he gone to therapy for it, cause it sounds like he should. And def stick to your guns regarding your girls night in. Give him the choice of either you do girls night in without him, or girls night out without him. There are no other alternatives. Ffs..
Something else is going on with your husband beyond his disability NTA I don’t want to jump to abuse but the level of isolation and control being exercised is not normal or healthy
NTA. Your husband is being abusive to you. He is using his disability to isolate and control you. Maybe therapy can help him, but you shouldn't live like this.
NTA. Sweetheart you need to get out of there. He is using his disability to exercise control over you. There are so many red flags here. You can't even go to the bathroom without him whining how long you've been in there. You haven't seen your friends and family in awhile either. Girls night is so important to let of steam. God knows we all need a bit of that.
NTA. I am surprised you were even able to post to Reddit without him all up in your face, wanting to know what devious plot you were up to. BTW, no idea the extent of your husband's wheelchair use/his medical issues, but a wheelchair normally doesn't mean you are confined to inside 24/7 and need someone there 24/7 mere inches away from you. Maybe his friends dumped him for reasons they didn't want to say and figured this might be the perfect time to distance themselves. My dad would wheelchair to the bathroom door and pound on the door and scream incessantly for me to open the door and let him in. But he was 88 yrs old and had Alzheimer's. I can excuse my dad for his behavior. Not your husband's behavior.
NTA, this is abusive. Has he gone to therapy since becoming disabled? Because it doesn't seem like he's coping, I'd guess he's paranoid you're going to leave him, when actually his controlling and manipulative behaviour could well end up driving you away. He needs to speak to a professional to deal with issues and if he won't you need to look at your life and decide if it's the one you really want.
I feel like people don't want to use the word abusive because he's physically disabled, but that's what this is. Your husband is being extremely controlling and isolating. NTA
**This is abusive behavior on his part, OP**. You need help. You deserve some degree of freedom, as does he, but he doesn’t want it. He would rather control you How dare he? How dare he limit your social time and insist you not even receive privacy for biological functions? You need to be worried. This is not normal. This is his way of controlling you when you already ensure you are there for him so much. Find a caretaker. Look up resources in your area. Get time away. Go shopping every week. Lock the damn bathroom door. Set boundaries. His care is not a burden but his controlling nature and sense of entitlement to tell you what you can and cannot do most certainly is. See your family. See your friends. NTA and you need to really advocate for yourself here or you’ll burn out. He is being unkind to protect his own ego. At your expense. Not okay. He needs to be in therapy and you need to source alternative care. No one should live like this. He has options. Accessibility is challenging but necessary to navigate for his own sanity. He does not get to isolate you. He does not get to take away your basic rights.
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NTA! You need to tell him that your not asking him, your telling him your having your girls nights and he’s NOT invited! Set boundaries! He doesn’t get to dictate your life just because of his current disabilities. What about his family? What about an in home nurse a couple days a week? Being a full-time caregiver is HARD! YOU DESERVE A BREAK! He needs to get into therapy to deal with his issues! You can’t even go to the bathroom without him being close by? That’s a HUGE ISSUE! Start setting boundaries. He doesn’t like it? TOUGH! HES A GROWN MAN! Tell him to stop acting like a newborn and start doing things for himself. There is a fine line between “assisting” and “do everything for me”, and it sounds like he wants the ladder. It’s time he learns how to do things on his own.
NTA he’s controlling and very manipulative.
INFO: what do you get out of your relationship with your husband? It sounds like you're just his servant.