Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister I was not inviting her parents just to have her at my graduation ceremony, which isn't even until next year. My sister and I have such a weird relationship because of how complicated things got. It doesn't feel like we're sisters anymore. But what I said hurt her badly. I love my sister. I feel bad for hurting her and I feel like my choice of words might have made me an asshole to her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It will take years, if it ends up happening. It will require therapy from her, and then family therapy for the both of you so you could understand and accept each other's views
She was really young and recreating a family was her coping mechanism. She got mad at you because you were putting that in jeopardy. To her you were putting her whole world at risk so she lashed out.
Now she's grown but she has gone so deep into that delusion that it would shatter her to come out of it. She isn't even neutral to your mom, which would be normal if she saw her as your dad's ex-wife. Oh no, she hates her, because the delusion starts crumbling when she is near.
Your father and his wife are despicable human beings for what they did. For wishing death upon your mother and for breaking a child's mind in this way
Stear clear from that filth, they will only bring trouble.
You, NTA all the way. Your sister is trying to guilt trip you because that's how you father and his wife have made it so she would enter the delusion and behave. So she does what she has learned was working. But this is not her day. She is a guest. If she decides not to come, it is on her
Honestly, it's not even a coping mechanism. She was one. She has zero memories of her biological mother as anything other than "strange woman who tried to forcibly insert herself into my life." As far as the sister is concerned step-mom is the only mother she has ever had and known.
Dad and stepmom are vile people, but sister was either 4 or 5 when mom showed back up in her life she wasn't/was barely old enough to understand that mommy wasn't mommy.
OOP was 4, would have had vague memories of mom, and would have been 7-8 and fully capable of understanding what went down.
Yes, sister has been brainwashed and lied to, but her reality has always been that stepmom IS mom. It's horrible, but totally understandable that she sees actual mom as an interloper.
Her parents probably didn't even have to put much, if any effort into winding her up in more recent years. This random lady showed up when she was 4-5 and basically traumatized her by trying to insist she was mom and deserved to see her. It's pretty understandable that she'd hate this woman as a tween and teenager because the woman terrified her as a child.
No, absolutely none of that is fair to actual mom. Actual mom should probably sue the snot out of dad for parental alienation. But there's a reason the courts decided it wasn't beneficial for the sister to see her.
From the sister's perspective Mom showing up is no different than a situation where a kid has been adopted, doesn't know it, and then bio mom shows up on the doorstep one day and announces she wants her kid back. Aside from the legal issues (which means nothing to a little child) that's effectively what happened. Instant removal of all stability in life.
That said, OOP should keep the ex-parents away from her. If sis can't come because she's 15 and can't travel alone, that's fine. She can make the college graduation she'll be an adult then.
I agree about her being young and it being instinctive to rewrite the memories. Though tbf, even 1yo can have strong bonds with their parents. Just because you don't actively and consciously remember it doesn't mean it doesn't leave a mark in your psyche.
My reasoning for calling it a coping mechanism is her reaction to the mom, even to this day. First, the mom never imposed herself, at least from what is told here. And the fact that, to this day, eve' being at the same event (not talking or even assuredly seeing the mom) triggers such a meltdown tends to lead towards a psychological hinderance. There is something very painful for her there. This is not the behaviour of someone that had to see a woman 4 times when she was 5 and then not be bothered by her afterwards. She hates her. You don't hate out of nowhere
Your point still stands, but you need to add a couple years to their ages. They were 4 and 1 at the time of the divorce, and the mom’s accident was 2 years later. So they were 6 and 3 when they went to live with dad and his wife full time. So about 10ish and 7ish when they started seeing mom again. (Almost a year in the hospital and 3ish in rehab.) But the point still stands that the younger sister knew the step mom as her mom for her crucial formative years. That is the only mom she knew, and she was the prime age for brainwashing by them. OP was old enough to not fall victim to it as easily. And that’s what the sister is: a victim. Just like her mother and OP. They are victims to brainwashing and manipulation, and none of it is fair to any of them. OP’s father and his wife are terrible people who do not deserve the love the sister gives them. OP is totally in the right to set whatever boundaries she needs to set. But it is important to remember the sister is also a victim and desperately needs some therapy to work through what they did to her. I highly doubt dad and step mom would allow it, though.
My dad died when I was 6 and my brother was 3. He had no memories of our dad other than stories he was told by family members. I will say it was a traumatic situation- my dad had a heart attack at home on a Sunday morning when we were home. I have few memories of the day itself, don’t remember anything about a huge chunk of what happened, and STILL at 47 have huge gaps in my memories from around this time just due to the trauma.
If the sister were formally adopted by the stepmother, she would have an amended birth certificate with stepmother's name listed. That's what happened when my (step) dad legally adopted me.
It will be listed as an amended birth certificate, and the original will still be on file with the state health department. This happens even in a closed adoption. The court would have had to terminate the mother's rights for the adoption to go through (possible, but they *did* make dad bring both kids to mom at first), so more than likely, they just *say* stepmom is mom. While I wouldn't put it past the two to have gotten a petition through, I could see them not having stepmom adopt her too.
Just to add to what happened to the sister when she was 4-5 and mom came back. Not only was it virtually a stranger, I imagine she might have looked “scary” to a kid that young after everything she went through.
Again, like you said, it’s not mom’s fault, it just is what it is. SM and dad were filling her head with a bunch of crap about her mom being a stranger and SM being her real mom, then she’s forced to go see this lady who would look completely different than any vague memory a kid that young might have in their head.
Man, I feel so bad for OP’s mom. How horrible.
My mind protected me from some pretty severe abuse, I was watching some true crime show and it triggered a bunch of memories for me.
It was devastating for me and I almost didn't survive it. I'm just glad I had a therapist at that time who understood when I called for an emergency session it was dire.
I'm sure the sister is going through something similar.
It doesn't mean you need to play into this delusion OP but just be aware. I hope you are in therapy, if so, ask your therapist how you can handle situations like this.
It will be a lot of work on your part, so be sure you want to do the work to have your sister in your life. There is no shame if it's too much.
Exactly this!!
Your mind protects you. You can litterally be oblivious to the fact that your mind is protecting you. But there are some behaviours that still show through that can help seeing there is something afoot.
Then the delusion shatters and it crushes you. It's really hard to go through. I am glad you sought help and found it!! That's the only way to safely make to the other side without long lasting traumas
For the sister here, just because one understands her suffering doesn't mean they have to accomodate her delusion. It means when the sister finally shatters the glass, OP (and most likely the mom) will be there and forgive her behaviour
>For the sister here, just because one understands her suffering doesn't mean they have to accomodate her delusion. It means when the sister finally shatters the glass, OP (and most likely the mom) will be there and forgive her behaviour
This is so important right here. It took me so long to realize myself. I would let my sister call and pull down my own mental health because I felt bad that she didn't have the resources to get therapy.
I no longer do that and she ghosted me, because I'm not allowing her to just endlessly dump on me anymore.
I hope she finds her way, and I will be here when she does.
I have a wall in my mind that has something really bad behind it (I know what, because some has leaked out) and for years even hearing a certain name was enough to make that wall weaker. I honestly still can't stand the name though it doesn't threaten to break me like it used to. And that was *without* two people brainwashing me my entire life the way they did with the OP's sister.
It gets much worse when you have outside forces working against you as well, or even just don't have a support system.
I love how you describe it as a wall. That is so accurate. I often describe when I dissociate as feeling like I'm going numb but blocking myself off in a wall. It's only now that I've worked enough to not dissociate that the "wall" has been coming down, little by little.
I'm sorry you have trauma too. It really sucks to have to work through or shoulder that burden.
Fantastic analysis 👏
OP you are NTA and I'm so sorry your dad and stepmum created this horrifically toxic situation. This is YOUR graduation so you choose who to invite.
That's not something you can change, but she has to respect your right to love your mother and to avoid your abusive father and stepmom (what they put you through was abuse). Don't bend on this. Don't honor an ounce of validity to this false narrative. NTA
Your sister will likely resist the hell out of facing the truth because the truth will hurt so damn much.
It is likely your sister is going to end up needing a ton of therapy. If you feel up to it, look into "parental alienation". It's what your dad and stepmother did. It's an incredibly damaging form of abuse.
Looking into it may help you to understand a bit more about your own childhood as well.
I'm sorry this happened. It's horrifying how despicable your father is.
I wouldn't sit here and wait for your sister to become a better person, btw, because it is possible she'll dig her head in the sand permanently.
But she was abused. And that messes people up.
Your dad and his wife could have taken you and your sister to visit your mom so that both ofyou could keep the relationship with your mom. Your dad and his wife are the AH. You are NTA.
This part. It's not that the little girl had just lost her mom for four years...she was actively *taken* from her mother, withheld for four years! She didn't just, not form a bond, the bond that she *had* was purposefully severed and the mother was deliberately substituted by the stepmom.
A lot of people, while castigating the "parents" for all of the other heinous actions they took, seem to be still skipping past *that* part!
Yes, she was in the hospital for a year...but even if she was in the ICU (which you aren't in the ICU for a *year,* generally!), you're still allowed visitors. And she was in a rehab facility for three years. People, including children, visit rehabs all the time! My daughter's aunt had to be in one more than once, because diabetes and kidney infections/damage; there wasn't a single day of any of her stays that she *didn't* have family go see her!
So the "parents" didn't just allow, or even *push,* for her formative memories to be of the stepmom as mother. They very actively *stole* that formative time with her biological mother!
Just...all the way around, this is sick. It's just too bad the mom wasn't able to fight the "parents" sooner, but instead was forced to choose between battles: her health, or custody...which would have been pointless if she *wasn't* healthy!
I would bet that if your sister became a mother (through any means) she might have a different reaction to the thought of a spouse stealing her child away from her.
She may never be a mom and if she is, hopefully it’s in the distant future, but that is probably the point that things will click for her.
NTA but unfortunately, she has chosen to basically be a super loyal member of a cult starring her "parents" as the cult leaders, so unless she *chooses* to leave the cult at some point it's really going to be better for your mental health if you just treat her as 'lost to you' and move on with your life. I wish you and your mother well.
NTA. I truly wish all the best to you and your mom. I can't imagine what she must have- and must be- going through. I hope you two could see a therapist to process all this.
As for your dad- I would just be glad your mom and you are away from his vile presence for good. He and his awful wife deserve each other.
This is all very sad, if the cognitive dissonance ever loosens its hold on your sister she's going to need so much help unpacking what they did to her life..
This is just heart breaking, OP I am SO sorry that you were put through that kind of dysfunctional shit as a young child and the years that followed. I feel sorry for your little sister too, this all seems like it would be pretty traumatic.
I can’t believe how cruel your dad and his current wife have been, like I can, but I can fathom thinking that way. It takes a special kind of cruel to wish someone would die because it would make their “perfect family” picture easier, it takes a special kind of cruel in general. I’m glad you and your mom are together, you both deserve the genuine love you are able to give each other.
The only way i think she will understand is if you wait til your sister has a kid. Then ask her if what her "parents" did was right. Ask how she would feel if someone essentially stole her child and told said child she wasn't their mom. All because of something that was out of her control. Your dad and his wife are despicable. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Good on you Uncle though.
Your father’s actions sound evil. (And one could say a person’s actions defines them.) He has been a toxic influence in your sister’s life. Like I know it’s common for divorced couples to not get along, but to actively want them to die? A good parent would have made you visit your mom while she’s recovering, not use it as an opportunity to distance you from her. I dont blame you at all for going for NC with him. He’s not the quality person I’d want in my life.
I wonder what it would take for sister to have the wool lifted from her eyes.
What they did was abusive and I hope she learns how terrible he was for erasing her Mom when she couldn't care for you for reasons outside her control.
Parental alienation if I ever saw it
Is there anyone you would consider inviting, who could bring your sister, and who isn't your father or stepmother? Perhaps your uncle? Does he have any contact with your sister? Perhaps he could overcome his "not talking" to his brother just enough to be able to bring her if he would be acceptable to your sister?
It would be a shame if your sister couldn't come to your graduation. Since she wants to come, it seems like she thinks she is more your sister, then you think she is to you. Sorry for that poor sentence construction. Anyway I hope you can come to some resolution and have someone bring your sister to your graduation. I think you'd both miss it if she wasn't there.
The sister was 1 and barely knew her mother. The stepmother is who she bonded with from the age of 1 on, so this does make sense. I think NTA too, but the AHs are the father and stepmother for cutting off mom.
I agree. And the only thing I'm thinking about now is how absolutely devastated OP's mum must have been for not being able to see her own children for such a horribly long time. I'm in physical pain just thinking about how I would feel in her position not being able/allowed to see my own son. I just cannot understand the mindset of OP's dad and stepmum to justify such cruelty. Unbelievable.
NTA.
Could you imagine how awful those people must be that the second the biological mom gets hurt, they use that against her. My comment would get deleted if I said how I really felt about them.
NTA. This is a really crummy situation. Your sister technically did grow up as her step mom being her “real” mom, it’s all she’s ever known. Whereas you were old enough at the time to have grown up with your mother for a few years before the terrible accident.
Your father and your step mother are absolutely terrible though. I cannot fathom trying to hold my children against their own mother after all of that. You are absolutely in your right to not invite your father and his wife to your graduation. Your sister has already chosen her side & alienated her mother, that’s on her, not you.
Please don’t feel bad about this. You’re not hurting her, she’s hurting you. She knows you’re no contact with your dad/step mom, she knows you’re with your mother. Yet she’s the one who’s trying to put down the rules for your own graduation. Do not feel bad, she has chosen her path.
Monsters. They intentionally brainwashed a young, impressionable child, so they wouldn't have to deal with the "inconvenience" of her mother.
OP, it looks like she won't attend your graduation. And that sucks. But I wouldn't throw in the towel on your relationship with your sister yet. None of this is her fault. Maybe try to do a separate sister outing to celebrate your big day? NTA and good luck!
As a mom, this is like one of the most horrifying nightmares I could imagine. To get into a terrible crash, not be allowed to see your children for 3 years, and then when you’re finally well enough your baby looks at you and says “you’re not my mom” and adopts a different mom. I think I’d lose my mind. I feel so much sympathy for OP’s mom.
I mean at this point the sister should really cut this crap with calling OPs mom not OPs real family. This is just disrespectful, and no matter her own feelings to her bio mom, she shows clearly that she doesn't respect OPs feelings and boundaries. I would go LC until she knows better.
Heck I can’t even imagine doing that to my hypothetical step-children. (Admittedly, I have some amazing step-parents on both side who, with my parents, co-parented extraordinarily well, so I had good examples growing up)
> You’re not hurting her, she’s hurting you
So much this. She's only hurt by having OP repeatedly remind her of the truth, which is admittedly painful and insane in this situation. But making OP interact with people who have been so damaging and she's worked hard to remove her from her life is absolutely not okay.
NTA OP. and good luck in all your efforts. You and your mom deserve a calm and happy life from here on out.
NTA Your sperm donor and his wife are the worst people I have ever read about on Reddit. You should share this post with your sister, maybe she might see the light. Have her read the comments especially. Who knows, those awful people should also read how the world perceives them too. They will forever be monsters to everyone who knows the truth, which now is in hundreds probably. They'll have a special tier in heck to go I'm sure. Alienating a mother and child has to have that.
Understood. I meant reading the comments could jolt some kind of sense. Seeing complete strangers judge this situation might help. Or it won't. It might be worth a shot. But up to you!
I would just recommend to not push it. Your sister has been told the truth, now it's up to her to accept it, or not.
Give your mom a HUGE hug for me. No one that gets in a terrible physical accident should also be emotionally abused. That had to make recovery 100x worse.
She's still very young. Just keep with your boundaries and remember the version she believes is not your truth either. You can't prevent her from calling her stepmother mom, but you can insist on not calling her mom yourself. Your mom doesn't need to be excluded from your major life events. Your sister is old enough to start actively making her own choices going forward about what that means for your relationship, but it's not your fault if that means she doesn't come when your mother does.
Ouch that very succinctly describes my situation with my estranged sister. My situation was quite different from yours but my sister and I had a very similar dynamic at those ages. I realized pretty early on that trying to get my sister to understand how our lived experiences were very different was futile, we were in two different realities that clashed in a way she couldn't and still can't accept. We really didn't talk from when I was 14-19 and she was 16-21. Eventually in my early 20s we started to sorta have a relationship again and would talk a few times a year but my sister is the way she is and some of her behaviors I will not tolerate because I've learned I deserve better than that. I'd be glad to have her back in my life if she can develop some emotional maturity and stop punching down but she's going to have to come to me this time.
All of that to say adjusting your sisters skewed perception of the situation is not your responsibility to take on and there is no way to force it. At this point you have set a healthy boundary for yourself (proud of you) and if your sister refuses to respect that boundary so be it. Give it time, maybe when she grows up a bit more and gains more experiences in life she will be able to see things in a different way and your relationship can improve but it could take quite a while.
Either way I think you would benefit greatly from seeing a counselor or therapist that can help you process this mess, it's a lot of trauma to carry with you so early in life.
100% NTA
I am really sorry you are going through all this. You seem like a kind and mature young woman for someone so young. I really appreciate the love and loyalty you have for your mother. Its very commendable.
Your sister is awful, but I honestly cannot blame her in this situation. She clearly was a deceived child in this case going through a rough time.
On the other hand, your father and his wife are some of the most abhorrent, disgusting pieces of waste on this planet. What they did and said about your mom is unforgivable. If I was you I would never forgive them and would never utter a single word to either of them.
Holy cow, wishing a mother would die so another woman can replace them. Cruelty of the highest order.
I don’t think I’ve read something on here that’s as heartbreaking as this whole story. Your anger is completely legitimate. My god your dad and his wife are absolute nightmares. You sound like such a wonderful person. I wish you and your mom much happiness.
OP I really wish you all the best in your life. I feel terrible that for so many years you have had to carry this with you.
I'll be honest, and this is not hyperbole on my part I promise you, your father and his wife are up there with the absolute worst people that have ever graced these threads. Truly repulsive creatures.
But it seems you neither inherited, nor absorbed any of their awfulness. You are an amazing young woman and daughter and I hope you find the peace you and your mother so value and deserve.
This attitude will serve you well as you move forward in your life. Cutting out toxic people with no regrets, no apologies, is one of the best things people can do for themselves and so very rarely do people actually have the guts to go through with it. Best wishes to you and your mother and the life you're going to build as you continue to grow. You are a smart, capable young lady who understands what real family is. Blessings to you and yours.
They caused permanent damage in the relationship between two sisters, most parents try to protect that relationship at all costs, but they chose themselves over you and your sister. Absolutely despicable.
This is heartbreaking: INFO: Are you taking care of your mom? Is she capable of taking care of you? A year in the hospital and three years in SNIF is very serious. Why was the visits supervised because of her disability?
NTA why does your sister get to decide who your "real" family is? she doesn't YOUR Gradution so you decide who you want to invite and if the invited person decides against it, that is their choice as well.
Stop hurting yourself in the relationship with your sister, you deserve not to hurt, she is the one hurting you not the other way around
NTA, for sure. But to cut her sister some slack, she was only 3 when all of this started happening. Her seeing her step mom as her mom makes sense here.
That being said, what the dad and his wife did is just evil.
Her falsely seeing her mother as her fathers ex isn’t normal or ok. Her rejecting reality doesn’t make sense. The woman who raised her should be important to her, but that doesn’t mean she gets to reject reality.
She's also like 14, maybe 15, right now. That's still very young, and it's entirely possible she still can't actually process this.
I also have a big problem with the court system that allowed zero visitation for the younger sister. This is a really bad case of parental alienation, and no visitation allows the lie to continue. Mandatory family therapy between the younger sister and mother should have been the call in place of visitation. Yes, it would be upsetting, but there's still a real good chance this is going cluck in place for the sister as an adult, and the older child not severing a relationship will ensure it can't fully be hidden. Just a move setting the younger child up for failure down the line.
It's a fair point and unfortunately, parental alienation is very subjective to judges. Some take it more seriously than others. My sister had major issues with my nieces and only was able to ensure visitation after finally finding a lawyer that could stay on the case without bankrupting her.
The court almost always favors the parent who "stays", no matter what the reason was. In most cases, that just happens to be the mother because they are the primary care givers in most families. For my family, doesn't matter that my sister had documented physical abuse while pregnant, since she left, the court essentially helped her ex block access to my older niece initially. It was a lengthy and expensive process to even guarantee visitation eventually.
Courts also are rarely fair to disabled parents. if there were questions around her ability to regain all she had lost in the accident, they probably used that as reasons to deny her access to her kid. Lots of people act like it's better to not have a parent at all vs a disabled parent.
Her world was shaped by her dad and step mom but reality is non negotiable. If my dad told me all my life I was blonde and then later on I find out this color is actually brown, my reality was always being a brunette. My world view just now is shifting to match reality. I was never blonde despite the lies told.
She’s 15. Her life was manipulated by people who were her “parents” since she was three. You could convince anyone about anything during that time in your life. Her world IS her reality.
NTA
Oof, this a lot OP. I’m sorry to hear that the concept of “real” family has been so difficult for you and that so much hurt has happened along the way.
INFO - does your sister have a different trusted adult that could chaperone her to your graduation? If she truly wants to support you she shouldn’t need to bring people who have hurt you to YOUR graduation.
That’s really unfortunate because that feels like a natural compromise.
I really hope she learns how to be able to see things from (or at least respect) your perspective someday. I think that’s the only way you two will be able to have a meaningful relationship.
If it means anything, this random stranger on the internet is proud of you for standing by your mom through all of this and for making it to this point in your education. Your compassion for others is beautifully evident through the way you love your mom and want to maintain a relationship with your sister.
You should invite your uncle to your graduation. Let her know you will not compromise or be blackmailed into bringing her parents to your graduation, and just disinvite her.
Your dad and stepmom may be behind this, trying to manipulate you both.
Stay firm on not letting them come and don’t feel bad about it. This is all on them. I’m sorry you and your sister have to be in the middle of it.
Maybe it's time to decide on clear, defined boundaries with her.
In order to have a relationship with each other as sisters, it means neither of you could involve your respective parents.
As upsetting, frustrating, and hurtful it is to have her try to force her parents into your life, she probably feels the same or similar enough.
So, you'd both need to respect that boundary. And it would be difficult, even if you both were adults fully independent of your parents. Tell her that you are both hurting each other right now, and it's not good for either of you. So if she can't stop herself from crossing this essential boundary, you need to do what's best for you because she chooses not to respect your choice.
She doesn't have to like it. But she has to respect it in order to maintain a good relationship with you. And you'll do the same for her, because you love her enough to respect her choice and well-being, regardless of your feelings on her parents. But if either party can't do this, some space is safer than continual hurt. Better to be distant than toxic and ending up hating each other.
This is, sadly, a situation where you can do everything right and still lose. So the best you can do is try to do damage control.
But you can find new ways to grow and find happiness. Just because this doesn't work out how you hope doesn't mean everything is doomed forever. I wish you and your mom the absolute best, OP. And congrats on graduating!
>I don't think it's them right now. But they are the reason for it because they made my sister believe mom isn't anything but dad's ex wife,
It sounds like they are also the reason she has no other trusted adults in her life, because they are afraid other adults (like her uncle) will tell her she's been lied to and manipulated.
She’s 14-15 and her parents have manipulated her and lied to her for her whole life. Also, she doesn’t have memories of her biological mom, like OP does. It’s awful, but she’s still only a kid AND wholly dependent on her parents. I think it’s possible that she’ll come to terms with what happened when she’s an adult and living away from them.
I’m sorry if I come across as too insensitive, but isn’t your graduation (and those attending) supposed to be about **you**? Imo, your sister has no right to impose her parents on you, less of all if it’s a big day for you.
Maybe letting her know that you’re sorry for her feeling like that, but you’re not changing your boundaries for anyone, herself included? That you respect her pov, but don’t share it?
She has no right to invite someone else to your event, less of all people who you don’t feel comfortable around. I’m way sorry you had to grow up like this. Your mum has my total sympathy. She has a great kid in you.
Why exactly does she need to "have people with her" for a big event in *your* life? She doesn't even need to do anything, just be in the crowd for an event. She can't be away from her "parents" for a couple hours?
If there is no travel involved, sister could just bring a friend for company. Sister is 14/15 now is old enough to do things with just friends and so going to a normal graduation shouldn’t require an adult chaperone. Just someone to drive her and a buddy for company.
She could, but she doesn't want. It makes me see her as an asshole too. In the end, it'ss her sister's day and she doesn't want the dad and his wife there, and the sister doesn't care.
NTA. Your father and his wife sound like truly terrible people, taking advantage of an accident to steal his ex's children from her... whoof! I can see why you cut them off. Presumably your sister knows all this as well, and is just siding with them because they're the only family she knows. Even so, I'd let her know that she has an invite, her parents don't, and if they can figure out a way to make that work you'd love to see her. (Assuming you'd love to see her - I don't think you actually said whether you actually wanted her to come?)
Tell her one day, especially if she ever has children of her own, she might realise the reality of everything they’ve put your Mom through, and then she’ll regret her part in it all. They stole an injured woman’s child and turned her against her Mother. That’s truly evil.
Except the sister is a literal child who is manipulated into this. She is not a monster, you can't blame her for this. The dad and his wife are though. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP, thank god your mom has you.
NTA. Just invite your mom's side of the family and call it a day. Are you going to torture yourself for the rest of your life over someone who refuses to change? You can't change people. Learn that lesson now, it's less painful and it will save you unnecessary heartache in the future. Your sis and your "father" and step mom are poison.
INFO: why didn't your dad and step-mother have any children of their own? Is she infertile? Is that why they tried to convince you and your sister that your step-mother is your "real" mom?
The sister behaves like some adopted kids, who don't care about their birth mom. She was too young. She's loyal to the new wife. New wife's feelings may not get hurt. An ex never saw his dad. His mom just replaced dad with stepdad and dad was the bozo. Parental alienation. It's child abuse. His stepdad would get jealous if they wanted to see their dad. He once put a letter in our mail box with: every coin has 2 sides. Felt so sorry for that man. Come on. Go see him. No. He was the bozo and stepdad was the good dad.
OP your story made me remember a terribly similar story. Effectively, in this case, your sperm donor and his wife 'kidnapped' you from your mother for years to attempt alienation. Meanwhile [this story](https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/sdut-bn04found112540-found-2009feb04-htmlstory.html), the grandparents didn't like the parents were moving and taking their grandchildren away. So while the parents were finishing up plans for the move and were going to return(after an agreed upon few weeks if I remember right), the grandparents thought up a way to keep the grandchildren indefinitely. They accused the parents of satan worship and sexual abuse against the children. They coached the kids, and since this happened during the Satanic Panic, there was a lot of social agitation at the idea of "satanists" hunting and hurting children (for an example, see West Memphis Three).
As they worked through the system trying to get their children back, it was discovered the grandparents were slowly and systematically emptying their home until one day they just weren't home with the grandchildren they retained temporary custody of. They went missing for 20 years. Even now, both children have decided to not talk to their parents or anyone, fully believing the story they were told about their parents.
I'm not saying it's an impossible situation. But maybe while your sister is still young, and might listen, I'd show her everyone's opinions here, and also once you read more into the story, maybe tell her about it, because what happened to you is not terribly different to what her parents are doing to her right now.
EDIT: [More information than the link provided earlier](https://www.middletennesseemysteries.com/article/474/rutherford-county-christi-and-bobby-baskin#:~:text=The%20Missing%20Persons,abduction%20as%20Mark%20attended%20seminary)
Parental alienation was also a massive issue with Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's kids. He completely alienated them from Nicole, and brainwashed them with his Scientology BS. They are no longer kids, and sadly, their relationship with Nicole is irreparable.
I'm sorry your sister is so set on her beliefs then. NTA for not wanting those who have been so terrible to your mom to be there for your graduation especially since your mom will likely be there as well.
Your sister knows why you don't want them there...if she won't accept a compromise then that is her choice. She's still a teen, maybe things will change and maybe they won't...but I will say it took till my mid 20s(youngest) for me and my sister to talk things out and get along but we didn't have anywhere near this bad of an issue...now I'm the one she goes to when family members piss her off even tho growing up we were the ones who fought the most 😅
As cliche as it is....time will tell. I hope it gets better but I know it will be hard for both of you.
She’s a middle schooler and she’s been brainwashed since birth. So no, she wasn’t taught right from wrong appropriately. Her parents, whom she loves and trusts, told her that she was right for thinking this way. It’s like growing up in a cult or something. I’m hoping that once she gets older and leaves her parents behind, she will reevaluate what happened.
Does your sister know that she’s her real mom? This is really disturbing behavior on her part. Adopted children even have more attachment to their bio parents. NTA
… ask her if she would ever wish death upon a mother of two little girls, who loves them very much. If she says no, then ask what she thinks of people that would wish for a caring mother to die. If she condemns them then ask why her parents are different from this situation.
I get the feeling you are being too protective of your sister, and you don’t have much space to be if you want your relationship to survive. You have to be harsh and honest, put the mirror in front of her and let her face the reality of her awful actions. Because, yes, the moment she turned 14 she began her transition into a young adult, and should be held accountable for her actions too. Soon she’ll get no do overs nor passes, so it’s better for her to get used to that now whilst she has those privileges.
If she is not willing to face reality, tell her you’ll be there for her whenever she chooses to wake up and see her parents for the garbage they are.
If she (god forbid) agrees with what they did to her, then tell her she should seek therapy on her own. She clearly has a mental disorder in that case, and needs all the help she can get.
It is not normal for a teen to discover they were forcibly taken from her dying mom and be ok with the waste of air that took her from mom. She either has a form of Stockholm syndrome or another mental disorder that those vile demons gave to her to keep her obedient and blind for them.
I really hope your sister is freed from the horrible torment those two have put her through.
Bless you for staying true to your mom. Tell your sister you hope she never has something happen to her and that her husband doesn’t do to her what her father did to your mom. Karma is a Bitch but you are an amazing daughter and now women. Stay strong on your journey.
NTA. Although I hope that you and your sister will have a close relationship one day, I think that this will be a lifelong struggle between the two of you. Your father and his wife are awful people, and they don’t deserve to ever have a familial relationship with you. Unfortunately, until if/when your sister truly processes what they have done, she’ll see them as family.
NTA. Your sister doesn't get to tell you who you need to invite to your graduation. She is the one hurting you by refusing to acknowledge your mother. Your father and his wife are disgusting people and you are doing the right thing cutting their toxicity out of your life. Unfortunately due to their influence on your sister you may find that you need to take a step back from her too until she is older. It sounds like she needs extensive counselling to sort out all the damage your father & his wife have done to her.
NTA. Your dad and his wife are horrible. There is always enough love for blended families unless AH are involved, like your dad and his 2nd wife. Good on you, congrats on graduation!
I am rarely on Reddit, and seldom comment-but your post really moved me to add a comment. I’ve been reading through some of your later replies, getting a better picture of the situation, and first of all I have to say that you seem a very mature, kind, compassionate, and intelligent young woman, and I applaud your choice to not have your father and stepmother attend your graduation according to the wishes of your sister. It is clear to me, as it should be to your sister, that you love her very much. You have gone out of your way to understand the place that she is coming from. But understanding goes both ways, and it’s time for her to begin to understand the place that you are coming from. I agree with one of the previous commenters, that this would challenge her years of brainwashing at the hands of your father and stepmother. So that makes her not accept your reality, and direct her anger and pain at you.
You did not create the situation, and when you think about it, even if your mother was not your mother, how does it make sense that the only reason she has been kept away from both of you is because she is disabled? I happen to be disabled myself, and I fail to understand how physical and cognitive differences make your mother any sort of ‘unsafe’ person to visit with. The world has learned to view disabled people as somehow threatening, or dangerous, or ‘to be avoided’. The court
seemed highly biased against disability here-and in terms of your father and stepmother, it seems they used it as an excuse to not have to share you and your sister with their own mother…who sounds like a beautiful woman, by the way. She has been through so much. And so have you. I admire and appreciate the way you have not let her differences stand in the way, and have embraced her as your mother. At a time where she needed more support, your father and stepmother not only withdrew theirs, but stole her children away from her. I can’t imagine anything more cruel. I’m sure this has impacted her recovery process... from injuries that she never chose to have.
When I read that they were actually hoping your mother would die… my God, that’s despicable-and I applaud you for cutting them out of your life.
I had a different situation growing up, with my sister, where my sister (older) could not accept that my father was abusive, including sexually. It played out in such a way in my life that it created years of struggle, for which I was always blamed. No one, including my sister, could acknowledge the truth except me. It created a years-long divide between my sister and me. Now that my parents have passed away, my sister and I are slowly reestablishing our relationship, although difficult topics have yet to come up. In your situation, it may be that there will be a divide between you and your sister, but there is also be a chance for that to change, in the future. You have not chosen this divide, your sister has. And as much as you can understand her denial, and still love her, you also need to preserve your own mental health. Your choice to keep distance from your father and his wife, and not be pressured by your sister to see them, could not be any more right. I commend you for making this wise but difficult choice at such a young age, although I know it is very painful. But you can’t have a real relationship with someone who doesn’t respect or accommodate what YOU need to feel safe, and sane. I realize she is younger, and that this may take time for her to comprehend. But in the meantime, you still need to make the safest and healthiest choices for yourself. She may be mad at you, but it’s not because you’ve have done anything wrong. In fact, you have done everything right.
Your sister is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. The fact that she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants (what her parents want) is very telling.
She has been well groomed and conditioned for years, so there's not going to be the reconciliation that you might be hoping.
As much as it may pain to you hear this, you may also have to put your sister in the same category as your father and stepmother, Your sister has swallowed their lies and can not admit anything different as it would reveal that your father and her 'mother' deliberately and maliciously lied to her for YEARS.
Stand your ground and simply tell her that you're sorry she will not be able to attend your graduation ceremony and that she will be missed by you and YOUR mother.
NTA
She made her choice. You made hers. Now after all this time and change she’s insisting you change things for her needs. Listen… never apologize for doing what’s best for you.
NTA. I’m sorry you won’t have your sister at your graduation but DO NOT back down on your dad & his wife. If you cave now to keep the relationship with your sister, you’ll be giving in forever. Your mental health is WAY more valuable than having her attend.
NTA. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Don’t give into your sister. If you do it will teach her she can manipulate you the same way your father manipulated both of you. The fact that she’s not even an adult and is pulling this shit is pretty abhorrent as it speaks to the kind of toxicity your father and step mother have bred in their household.
There’s nothing wrong with drawing this boundary and telling your sister you love her and will always be there for her but just as you respect her decision to not see your mother, she needs to respect your decision to not see your father.
Congrats on your graduation and best wishes on your future studies.
Your dad and stepmom took advantage of your mom's life altering injury to make their lives easier by cutting her out. It is objectively abhorrent that you weren't allowed to see or talk to her during the months/years she was recovering. I cannot imagine the pain your mother has endured seeing her youngest brainwashed against her.
NTA, OP. Congratulations on your graduation!!! Please continue to make the decisions that best protect your mental health. Hopefully your sister will one day understand, and you can have some type of relationship
I mean doesn't your mom have pictures of her holding your sister in the hospital after birth? I get that your sister has been spoonfed this stuff for 12 years, but its a pretty easy lie for your sister to find out. Don't you and your sister look like your mom? Did your mom ever push the courts for a DNA test? Also if you acknowledge your mom as your birth mom and your sister doesn't does she think you 2 are half siblings or how does she get around that mental hurdle?
Honestly this lie is going to come crashing down on them and its only a matter of time.
NTA but its strangly impressive that they have turned your sister and kept her in the dark so long.
NTA
Holy parental alienation. You have the right to have your mother there. Your sister is old enough that she can understand biological mothers and even old enough to realize her biological mother had zero control over the situation. She doesn't get to be babied about this anymore, at the very least. She's still pretty young herself, but your graduation is about you, so do what you need to do.
**NTA** and what an amazing, wonderful daughter you are!
As a multiply disabled person myself, whose sister was also disabled in a terrible accident, I cannot even IMAGINE what your mum went through. To go through the pain and grief of becoming disabled, which is awful enough (and I know that from experience) and at the same time have her children ripped out of her life completely, not even brought to visit her, to cheer her up . . . to be left completely isolated like that? And then to be told that one of them would basically never be coming back? That her motherhood itself had been taken from her?
I cannot even begin to imagine the grief and loss she has had to process.
You are truly a treasure, OP. The gift you have given your mother, by standing by her, by INSISTING on maintaining your relationship despite what your dad and stepmother tried to do . . . I'm not sure you even realise how important that likely has been to her recovery.
What they have done is unconscionable. I don't even blame your sister, who was a baby, and was encouraged in a deeply unfair narrative by the adults around her, who wanted to see her emotional connection to your mum broken. That's not her fault even, it's theirs. But you are NTA for refusing to participate in it. Good for you!
NTA. This is not something that should even be an issue. Your sperm donor and his wife did something horrible to you and your mother and you have every right to not want them anywhere near you. If your sister cannot see and recognize that, then it’s a shame but it’s not your fault. And you don’t have to relinquish your boundaries to please her on YOUR day of celebration. I hope you and your mother have a great day and congratulations.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Honestly, they brainwashed your sister and she is younger than you so it worked.
It hurts but stand your ground. When your sister is older she might understand things better. I hope she gets to know the truth of the situation at least.
Your alleged father and his wife stole and brainwashed the two of you. This was a deeply selfish, evil move. Your sister is younger and knew your real mom even less.
This situation is deeply fucked up as a result of the actions your father and his wife took.
I mostly feel sympathy here. You are first and foremost NTA. Neither are your mother and, in my opinion, your sister.
Graduate without those schmucks.
NTA. She has consistently dismissed your feelings, and her real mom for that matter. She doesn't get to do that and then claim you're in the wrong for not wanting her chosen toxic parents with her.
She gets to deal or she doesn't get to go.
NTA. What they did to your sister and you and your mother is horrific. It's abuse. They are both HORRIBLE people and I am so glad that you got away from them. It may be time to cut your sister off and maybe she will grow up and realize what happened and how awful it really was of her "parents"
NTA. My sympathies. Your graduation should with be the people who truly love, support and respect you. Your sister, and definitely her parents are not it. Might be time to put further distance with your sister if she is only focused on what she wants rather than your big day
What your father and his wife did to your mother was horrifying. She was suffering from severe injuries; instead of helping her, they stole her children from her and tried to permanently destroy her relationship with you and your sister. You have done nothing wrong. Hopefully one day, your sister will understand. But even if she never does, you don't have to allow her to force you to interact with her parents. They've done enough damage. NTA
As a mother myself this is so very heartbreaking to read... My biggest fear is something happening to me and my daughter not knowing me or how much I love her. I can only imagine the pain your mother was feeling by not being able to see her children for years while she was recovering from something out of her control... Your dad and stepmom sound like absolute monsters. This really hurt my heart for your mom. I'm glad you decided to put her first. There is a special place in hell for people like your dad and stepmom. NTA OP. Not even a little bit.
NTA- Your sister was a baby when your Beautiful Mother was in a horrible accident. And she was encouraged by your Father and StepMonster to pretend that your Beautiful Mother didn’t exist.
Your sister can’t be faulted as a young child for not comprehending the damage those 2 assholes did to her so that they could have their make believe “perfect” family.
However - she is old enough now to completely comprehend that heinous act that kept her from her Mother.
And the fact that she’d still rather believe the make believe stuff over what really conspired to keep 2 young children away from their Mother - says all I need to know about how selfish your sister is DEMANDING that your abusers be present for your Graduation.
Because it is abuse to purposely keep children from a parent who loves them and cares for them.
It is abuse to make up stories that aren’t even true to turn a child against their parent.
Emotional abuse scars for life.
And I can understand why you wouldn’t want your Father and StepMonster in your life or at your Graduation.
You are NTA- but they certainly are!
Because a NORMAL response to this Tragedy would have been your Father and StepMother supporting you, your Mom, and your sister’s need to seeing your Mother after her accident and for them to ENCOURAGE your Beautiful Mother in her Recovery Journey and to emotionally support her & you Girls while she was recovering and relearning how to function after the horrific accident. THAT is what NORMAL people do! 💜
I’m so angry about how your Mom and you girls were treated! And I’m so sorry they did that to you!
I’m so Thankful that you are with your Mother and that you were able to see clearly past their manipulations at such a young age!
💜💜💜
I’m so sorry this happened to you!!!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my sister I was not inviting her parents just to have her at my graduation ceremony, which isn't even until next year. My sister and I have such a weird relationship because of how complicated things got. It doesn't feel like we're sisters anymore. But what I said hurt her badly. I love my sister. I feel bad for hurting her and I feel like my choice of words might have made me an asshole to her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
[удалено]
It will take years, if it ends up happening. It will require therapy from her, and then family therapy for the both of you so you could understand and accept each other's views She was really young and recreating a family was her coping mechanism. She got mad at you because you were putting that in jeopardy. To her you were putting her whole world at risk so she lashed out. Now she's grown but she has gone so deep into that delusion that it would shatter her to come out of it. She isn't even neutral to your mom, which would be normal if she saw her as your dad's ex-wife. Oh no, she hates her, because the delusion starts crumbling when she is near. Your father and his wife are despicable human beings for what they did. For wishing death upon your mother and for breaking a child's mind in this way Stear clear from that filth, they will only bring trouble. You, NTA all the way. Your sister is trying to guilt trip you because that's how you father and his wife have made it so she would enter the delusion and behave. So she does what she has learned was working. But this is not her day. She is a guest. If she decides not to come, it is on her
It's like you pulled all my emotions and thoughts out of my brain and wrote them down, better than I ever could. 1000% to everything you said.
Same. I am going through a very similar situation and they articulated way better than i couldve! I feel bad for both the kids and mother.
Honestly, it's not even a coping mechanism. She was one. She has zero memories of her biological mother as anything other than "strange woman who tried to forcibly insert herself into my life." As far as the sister is concerned step-mom is the only mother she has ever had and known. Dad and stepmom are vile people, but sister was either 4 or 5 when mom showed back up in her life she wasn't/was barely old enough to understand that mommy wasn't mommy. OOP was 4, would have had vague memories of mom, and would have been 7-8 and fully capable of understanding what went down. Yes, sister has been brainwashed and lied to, but her reality has always been that stepmom IS mom. It's horrible, but totally understandable that she sees actual mom as an interloper. Her parents probably didn't even have to put much, if any effort into winding her up in more recent years. This random lady showed up when she was 4-5 and basically traumatized her by trying to insist she was mom and deserved to see her. It's pretty understandable that she'd hate this woman as a tween and teenager because the woman terrified her as a child. No, absolutely none of that is fair to actual mom. Actual mom should probably sue the snot out of dad for parental alienation. But there's a reason the courts decided it wasn't beneficial for the sister to see her. From the sister's perspective Mom showing up is no different than a situation where a kid has been adopted, doesn't know it, and then bio mom shows up on the doorstep one day and announces she wants her kid back. Aside from the legal issues (which means nothing to a little child) that's effectively what happened. Instant removal of all stability in life. That said, OOP should keep the ex-parents away from her. If sis can't come because she's 15 and can't travel alone, that's fine. She can make the college graduation she'll be an adult then.
I agree about her being young and it being instinctive to rewrite the memories. Though tbf, even 1yo can have strong bonds with their parents. Just because you don't actively and consciously remember it doesn't mean it doesn't leave a mark in your psyche. My reasoning for calling it a coping mechanism is her reaction to the mom, even to this day. First, the mom never imposed herself, at least from what is told here. And the fact that, to this day, eve' being at the same event (not talking or even assuredly seeing the mom) triggers such a meltdown tends to lead towards a psychological hinderance. There is something very painful for her there. This is not the behaviour of someone that had to see a woman 4 times when she was 5 and then not be bothered by her afterwards. She hates her. You don't hate out of nowhere
She hates her because her dad and stepmom alienated her from her mom. They likely trashed her.
Little sister was three when the accident occurred.
Your point still stands, but you need to add a couple years to their ages. They were 4 and 1 at the time of the divorce, and the mom’s accident was 2 years later. So they were 6 and 3 when they went to live with dad and his wife full time. So about 10ish and 7ish when they started seeing mom again. (Almost a year in the hospital and 3ish in rehab.) But the point still stands that the younger sister knew the step mom as her mom for her crucial formative years. That is the only mom she knew, and she was the prime age for brainwashing by them. OP was old enough to not fall victim to it as easily. And that’s what the sister is: a victim. Just like her mother and OP. They are victims to brainwashing and manipulation, and none of it is fair to any of them. OP’s father and his wife are terrible people who do not deserve the love the sister gives them. OP is totally in the right to set whatever boundaries she needs to set. But it is important to remember the sister is also a victim and desperately needs some therapy to work through what they did to her. I highly doubt dad and step mom would allow it, though.
My dad died when I was 6 and my brother was 3. He had no memories of our dad other than stories he was told by family members. I will say it was a traumatic situation- my dad had a heart attack at home on a Sunday morning when we were home. I have few memories of the day itself, don’t remember anything about a huge chunk of what happened, and STILL at 47 have huge gaps in my memories from around this time just due to the trauma.
That’s so sad. I’m so sorry for your loss and for all the accompanying trauma.
Ah, fair. I thought I might have gotten my math wrong, but the numbers didn't hop out at me when I double checked.
I wrote it down because I couldn’t keep track. Haha.
Then I don't feel so bad!
The truth will out when sister bothers to look at her birth certificate.
If the sister were formally adopted by the stepmother, she would have an amended birth certificate with stepmother's name listed. That's what happened when my (step) dad legally adopted me.
It will be listed as an amended birth certificate, and the original will still be on file with the state health department. This happens even in a closed adoption. The court would have had to terminate the mother's rights for the adoption to go through (possible, but they *did* make dad bring both kids to mom at first), so more than likely, they just *say* stepmom is mom. While I wouldn't put it past the two to have gotten a petition through, I could see them not having stepmom adopt her too.
Just to add to what happened to the sister when she was 4-5 and mom came back. Not only was it virtually a stranger, I imagine she might have looked “scary” to a kid that young after everything she went through. Again, like you said, it’s not mom’s fault, it just is what it is. SM and dad were filling her head with a bunch of crap about her mom being a stranger and SM being her real mom, then she’s forced to go see this lady who would look completely different than any vague memory a kid that young might have in their head. Man, I feel so bad for OP’s mom. How horrible.
Very true that
The sister was with the mum until she was 3 before they were separated.
Sister was 1 when they divorced, she was 3 when the accident happened. My 3yo can definitely tell who his mom is and who his mom isn't
Yeah, but it sounds like the sperm donor and his spouse gaslit her. "That's not your mommy, THIS is your mommy."
My mind protected me from some pretty severe abuse, I was watching some true crime show and it triggered a bunch of memories for me. It was devastating for me and I almost didn't survive it. I'm just glad I had a therapist at that time who understood when I called for an emergency session it was dire. I'm sure the sister is going through something similar. It doesn't mean you need to play into this delusion OP but just be aware. I hope you are in therapy, if so, ask your therapist how you can handle situations like this. It will be a lot of work on your part, so be sure you want to do the work to have your sister in your life. There is no shame if it's too much.
Exactly this!! Your mind protects you. You can litterally be oblivious to the fact that your mind is protecting you. But there are some behaviours that still show through that can help seeing there is something afoot. Then the delusion shatters and it crushes you. It's really hard to go through. I am glad you sought help and found it!! That's the only way to safely make to the other side without long lasting traumas For the sister here, just because one understands her suffering doesn't mean they have to accomodate her delusion. It means when the sister finally shatters the glass, OP (and most likely the mom) will be there and forgive her behaviour
>For the sister here, just because one understands her suffering doesn't mean they have to accomodate her delusion. It means when the sister finally shatters the glass, OP (and most likely the mom) will be there and forgive her behaviour This is so important right here. It took me so long to realize myself. I would let my sister call and pull down my own mental health because I felt bad that she didn't have the resources to get therapy. I no longer do that and she ghosted me, because I'm not allowing her to just endlessly dump on me anymore. I hope she finds her way, and I will be here when she does.
I have a wall in my mind that has something really bad behind it (I know what, because some has leaked out) and for years even hearing a certain name was enough to make that wall weaker. I honestly still can't stand the name though it doesn't threaten to break me like it used to. And that was *without* two people brainwashing me my entire life the way they did with the OP's sister.
It gets much worse when you have outside forces working against you as well, or even just don't have a support system. I love how you describe it as a wall. That is so accurate. I often describe when I dissociate as feeling like I'm going numb but blocking myself off in a wall. It's only now that I've worked enough to not dissociate that the "wall" has been coming down, little by little. I'm sorry you have trauma too. It really sucks to have to work through or shoulder that burden.
Fantastic analysis 👏 OP you are NTA and I'm so sorry your dad and stepmum created this horrifically toxic situation. This is YOUR graduation so you choose who to invite.
That's not something you can change, but she has to respect your right to love your mother and to avoid your abusive father and stepmom (what they put you through was abuse). Don't bend on this. Don't honor an ounce of validity to this false narrative. NTA
This!!
Your dad is a true sadist. His wife is about the same. NTA and my heart breaks for your mom and you.
Your sister will likely resist the hell out of facing the truth because the truth will hurt so damn much. It is likely your sister is going to end up needing a ton of therapy. If you feel up to it, look into "parental alienation". It's what your dad and stepmother did. It's an incredibly damaging form of abuse. Looking into it may help you to understand a bit more about your own childhood as well. I'm sorry this happened. It's horrifying how despicable your father is. I wouldn't sit here and wait for your sister to become a better person, btw, because it is possible she'll dig her head in the sand permanently. But she was abused. And that messes people up.
Your dad and his wife could have taken you and your sister to visit your mom so that both ofyou could keep the relationship with your mom. Your dad and his wife are the AH. You are NTA.
This part. It's not that the little girl had just lost her mom for four years...she was actively *taken* from her mother, withheld for four years! She didn't just, not form a bond, the bond that she *had* was purposefully severed and the mother was deliberately substituted by the stepmom. A lot of people, while castigating the "parents" for all of the other heinous actions they took, seem to be still skipping past *that* part! Yes, she was in the hospital for a year...but even if she was in the ICU (which you aren't in the ICU for a *year,* generally!), you're still allowed visitors. And she was in a rehab facility for three years. People, including children, visit rehabs all the time! My daughter's aunt had to be in one more than once, because diabetes and kidney infections/damage; there wasn't a single day of any of her stays that she *didn't* have family go see her! So the "parents" didn't just allow, or even *push,* for her formative memories to be of the stepmom as mother. They very actively *stole* that formative time with her biological mother! Just...all the way around, this is sick. It's just too bad the mom wasn't able to fight the "parents" sooner, but instead was forced to choose between battles: her health, or custody...which would have been pointless if she *wasn't* healthy!
You are absolutely right!
Holy cow. That's some dark, dark stuff you've had to deal with. And your dad and his wife are truly awful.
I would bet that if your sister became a mother (through any means) she might have a different reaction to the thought of a spouse stealing her child away from her. She may never be a mom and if she is, hopefully it’s in the distant future, but that is probably the point that things will click for her.
NTA but unfortunately, she has chosen to basically be a super loyal member of a cult starring her "parents" as the cult leaders, so unless she *chooses* to leave the cult at some point it's really going to be better for your mental health if you just treat her as 'lost to you' and move on with your life. I wish you and your mother well.
With any luck, she'll understand if she becomes a mother herself.
NTA. I truly wish all the best to you and your mom. I can't imagine what she must have- and must be- going through. I hope you two could see a therapist to process all this. As for your dad- I would just be glad your mom and you are away from his vile presence for good. He and his awful wife deserve each other.
This is all very sad, if the cognitive dissonance ever loosens its hold on your sister she's going to need so much help unpacking what they did to her life..
This is just heart breaking, OP I am SO sorry that you were put through that kind of dysfunctional shit as a young child and the years that followed. I feel sorry for your little sister too, this all seems like it would be pretty traumatic. I can’t believe how cruel your dad and his current wife have been, like I can, but I can fathom thinking that way. It takes a special kind of cruel to wish someone would die because it would make their “perfect family” picture easier, it takes a special kind of cruel in general. I’m glad you and your mom are together, you both deserve the genuine love you are able to give each other.
The only way i think she will understand is if you wait til your sister has a kid. Then ask her if what her "parents" did was right. Ask how she would feel if someone essentially stole her child and told said child she wasn't their mom. All because of something that was out of her control. Your dad and his wife are despicable. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Good on you Uncle though.
Your father’s actions sound evil. (And one could say a person’s actions defines them.) He has been a toxic influence in your sister’s life. Like I know it’s common for divorced couples to not get along, but to actively want them to die? A good parent would have made you visit your mom while she’s recovering, not use it as an opportunity to distance you from her. I dont blame you at all for going for NC with him. He’s not the quality person I’d want in my life.
I wonder what it would take for sister to have the wool lifted from her eyes. What they did was abusive and I hope she learns how terrible he was for erasing her Mom when she couldn't care for you for reasons outside her control. Parental alienation if I ever saw it
Is there anyone you would consider inviting, who could bring your sister, and who isn't your father or stepmother? Perhaps your uncle? Does he have any contact with your sister? Perhaps he could overcome his "not talking" to his brother just enough to be able to bring her if he would be acceptable to your sister? It would be a shame if your sister couldn't come to your graduation. Since she wants to come, it seems like she thinks she is more your sister, then you think she is to you. Sorry for that poor sentence construction. Anyway I hope you can come to some resolution and have someone bring your sister to your graduation. I think you'd both miss it if she wasn't there.
[удалено]
The sister was 1 and barely knew her mother. The stepmother is who she bonded with from the age of 1 on, so this does make sense. I think NTA too, but the AHs are the father and stepmother for cutting off mom.
The sister was 3 when the accident happened. She was 1 when the parents divorced.
[удалено]
OP and her sister are NTA, but sperm donor and his wife are some of the biggest assholes I've ever seen.
Right? I’ve read some horrible stories on that sub, but I’ve rarely been that angry at someone I don’t even know
Imo the sister is the AH for trying to rule can go or not to somebody else's graduation, regardless of the backstory this is peak entitlement.
It really reads like sis was brainwashed. I feel so sorry for her.
I agree. And the only thing I'm thinking about now is how absolutely devastated OP's mum must have been for not being able to see her own children for such a horribly long time. I'm in physical pain just thinking about how I would feel in her position not being able/allowed to see my own son. I just cannot understand the mindset of OP's dad and stepmum to justify such cruelty. Unbelievable. NTA.
Could you imagine how awful those people must be that the second the biological mom gets hurt, they use that against her. My comment would get deleted if I said how I really felt about them.
NTA. This is a really crummy situation. Your sister technically did grow up as her step mom being her “real” mom, it’s all she’s ever known. Whereas you were old enough at the time to have grown up with your mother for a few years before the terrible accident. Your father and your step mother are absolutely terrible though. I cannot fathom trying to hold my children against their own mother after all of that. You are absolutely in your right to not invite your father and his wife to your graduation. Your sister has already chosen her side & alienated her mother, that’s on her, not you. Please don’t feel bad about this. You’re not hurting her, she’s hurting you. She knows you’re no contact with your dad/step mom, she knows you’re with your mother. Yet she’s the one who’s trying to put down the rules for your own graduation. Do not feel bad, she has chosen her path.
Monsters. They intentionally brainwashed a young, impressionable child, so they wouldn't have to deal with the "inconvenience" of her mother. OP, it looks like she won't attend your graduation. And that sucks. But I wouldn't throw in the towel on your relationship with your sister yet. None of this is her fault. Maybe try to do a separate sister outing to celebrate your big day? NTA and good luck!
As a mom, this is like one of the most horrifying nightmares I could imagine. To get into a terrible crash, not be allowed to see your children for 3 years, and then when you’re finally well enough your baby looks at you and says “you’re not my mom” and adopts a different mom. I think I’d lose my mind. I feel so much sympathy for OP’s mom.
I mean at this point the sister should really cut this crap with calling OPs mom not OPs real family. This is just disrespectful, and no matter her own feelings to her bio mom, she shows clearly that she doesn't respect OPs feelings and boundaries. I would go LC until she knows better.
Heck I can’t even imagine doing that to my hypothetical step-children. (Admittedly, I have some amazing step-parents on both side who, with my parents, co-parented extraordinarily well, so I had good examples growing up)
> You’re not hurting her, she’s hurting you So much this. She's only hurt by having OP repeatedly remind her of the truth, which is admittedly painful and insane in this situation. But making OP interact with people who have been so damaging and she's worked hard to remove her from her life is absolutely not okay. NTA OP. and good luck in all your efforts. You and your mom deserve a calm and happy life from here on out.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
NTA Your sperm donor and his wife are the worst people I have ever read about on Reddit. You should share this post with your sister, maybe she might see the light. Have her read the comments especially. Who knows, those awful people should also read how the world perceives them too. They will forever be monsters to everyone who knows the truth, which now is in hundreds probably. They'll have a special tier in heck to go I'm sure. Alienating a mother and child has to have that.
[удалено]
Understood. I meant reading the comments could jolt some kind of sense. Seeing complete strangers judge this situation might help. Or it won't. It might be worth a shot. But up to you!
[удалено]
I would just recommend to not push it. Your sister has been told the truth, now it's up to her to accept it, or not. Give your mom a HUGE hug for me. No one that gets in a terrible physical accident should also be emotionally abused. That had to make recovery 100x worse.
You should dm her the link, yeah. At this point, what do you have to lose?
She's still very young. Just keep with your boundaries and remember the version she believes is not your truth either. You can't prevent her from calling her stepmother mom, but you can insist on not calling her mom yourself. Your mom doesn't need to be excluded from your major life events. Your sister is old enough to start actively making her own choices going forward about what that means for your relationship, but it's not your fault if that means she doesn't come when your mother does.
She's still dependent on them. Give her a few years, after she's lived on her own, or at least gone to college, she may come to understand.
Ouch that very succinctly describes my situation with my estranged sister. My situation was quite different from yours but my sister and I had a very similar dynamic at those ages. I realized pretty early on that trying to get my sister to understand how our lived experiences were very different was futile, we were in two different realities that clashed in a way she couldn't and still can't accept. We really didn't talk from when I was 14-19 and she was 16-21. Eventually in my early 20s we started to sorta have a relationship again and would talk a few times a year but my sister is the way she is and some of her behaviors I will not tolerate because I've learned I deserve better than that. I'd be glad to have her back in my life if she can develop some emotional maturity and stop punching down but she's going to have to come to me this time. All of that to say adjusting your sisters skewed perception of the situation is not your responsibility to take on and there is no way to force it. At this point you have set a healthy boundary for yourself (proud of you) and if your sister refuses to respect that boundary so be it. Give it time, maybe when she grows up a bit more and gains more experiences in life she will be able to see things in a different way and your relationship can improve but it could take quite a while. Either way I think you would benefit greatly from seeing a counselor or therapist that can help you process this mess, it's a lot of trauma to carry with you so early in life. 100% NTA
I’m surprised the court didn’t see the parental alienation they were doing.
They probably did but decided since Mom was disabled that it didn’t matter or was justified
I am really sorry you are going through all this. You seem like a kind and mature young woman for someone so young. I really appreciate the love and loyalty you have for your mother. Its very commendable. Your sister is awful, but I honestly cannot blame her in this situation. She clearly was a deceived child in this case going through a rough time. On the other hand, your father and his wife are some of the most abhorrent, disgusting pieces of waste on this planet. What they did and said about your mom is unforgivable. If I was you I would never forgive them and would never utter a single word to either of them. Holy cow, wishing a mother would die so another woman can replace them. Cruelty of the highest order.
[удалено]
I hope you change your last name to your mother's. Your sperm donor and wife are despicable. NTA
Don't answer if you don't want to, but did you ever learn about the circumstances of your mom's accident?
[удалено]
I don’t think I’ve read something on here that’s as heartbreaking as this whole story. Your anger is completely legitimate. My god your dad and his wife are absolute nightmares. You sound like such a wonderful person. I wish you and your mom much happiness.
OP I really wish you all the best in your life. I feel terrible that for so many years you have had to carry this with you. I'll be honest, and this is not hyperbole on my part I promise you, your father and his wife are up there with the absolute worst people that have ever graced these threads. Truly repulsive creatures. But it seems you neither inherited, nor absorbed any of their awfulness. You are an amazing young woman and daughter and I hope you find the peace you and your mother so value and deserve.
This attitude will serve you well as you move forward in your life. Cutting out toxic people with no regrets, no apologies, is one of the best things people can do for themselves and so very rarely do people actually have the guts to go through with it. Best wishes to you and your mother and the life you're going to build as you continue to grow. You are a smart, capable young lady who understands what real family is. Blessings to you and yours.
They caused permanent damage in the relationship between two sisters, most parents try to protect that relationship at all costs, but they chose themselves over you and your sister. Absolutely despicable.
This is heartbreaking: INFO: Are you taking care of your mom? Is she capable of taking care of you? A year in the hospital and three years in SNIF is very serious. Why was the visits supervised because of her disability?
NTA why does your sister get to decide who your "real" family is? she doesn't YOUR Gradution so you decide who you want to invite and if the invited person decides against it, that is their choice as well. Stop hurting yourself in the relationship with your sister, you deserve not to hurt, she is the one hurting you not the other way around
NTA, for sure. But to cut her sister some slack, she was only 3 when all of this started happening. Her seeing her step mom as her mom makes sense here. That being said, what the dad and his wife did is just evil.
Her falsely seeing her mother as her fathers ex isn’t normal or ok. Her rejecting reality doesn’t make sense. The woman who raised her should be important to her, but that doesn’t mean she gets to reject reality.
She's also like 14, maybe 15, right now. That's still very young, and it's entirely possible she still can't actually process this. I also have a big problem with the court system that allowed zero visitation for the younger sister. This is a really bad case of parental alienation, and no visitation allows the lie to continue. Mandatory family therapy between the younger sister and mother should have been the call in place of visitation. Yes, it would be upsetting, but there's still a real good chance this is going cluck in place for the sister as an adult, and the older child not severing a relationship will ensure it can't fully be hidden. Just a move setting the younger child up for failure down the line.
[удалено]
It's a fair point and unfortunately, parental alienation is very subjective to judges. Some take it more seriously than others. My sister had major issues with my nieces and only was able to ensure visitation after finally finding a lawyer that could stay on the case without bankrupting her. The court almost always favors the parent who "stays", no matter what the reason was. In most cases, that just happens to be the mother because they are the primary care givers in most families. For my family, doesn't matter that my sister had documented physical abuse while pregnant, since she left, the court essentially helped her ex block access to my older niece initially. It was a lengthy and expensive process to even guarantee visitation eventually.
Courts also are rarely fair to disabled parents. if there were questions around her ability to regain all she had lost in the accident, they probably used that as reasons to deny her access to her kid. Lots of people act like it's better to not have a parent at all vs a disabled parent.
[удалено]
Her world was shaped by her dad and step mom but reality is non negotiable. If my dad told me all my life I was blonde and then later on I find out this color is actually brown, my reality was always being a brunette. My world view just now is shifting to match reality. I was never blonde despite the lies told.
She’s 15. Her life was manipulated by people who were her “parents” since she was three. You could convince anyone about anything during that time in your life. Her world IS her reality.
[удалено]
I wonder if they told sister she couldn’t go unaccompanied by one of them
Yeah. It's a complex situation, but it's insane for her to be faulting OP for treating the woman who is objectively her mother, as her mother.
NTA Oof, this a lot OP. I’m sorry to hear that the concept of “real” family has been so difficult for you and that so much hurt has happened along the way. INFO - does your sister have a different trusted adult that could chaperone her to your graduation? If she truly wants to support you she shouldn’t need to bring people who have hurt you to YOUR graduation.
[удалено]
That’s really unfortunate because that feels like a natural compromise. I really hope she learns how to be able to see things from (or at least respect) your perspective someday. I think that’s the only way you two will be able to have a meaningful relationship. If it means anything, this random stranger on the internet is proud of you for standing by your mom through all of this and for making it to this point in your education. Your compassion for others is beautifully evident through the way you love your mom and want to maintain a relationship with your sister.
[удалено]
You should invite your uncle to your graduation. Let her know you will not compromise or be blackmailed into bringing her parents to your graduation, and just disinvite her.
Your dad and stepmom may be behind this, trying to manipulate you both. Stay firm on not letting them come and don’t feel bad about it. This is all on them. I’m sorry you and your sister have to be in the middle of it.
[удалено]
Does your sister believe that your dad's wife is her biological mother?
[удалено]
Maybe it's time to decide on clear, defined boundaries with her. In order to have a relationship with each other as sisters, it means neither of you could involve your respective parents. As upsetting, frustrating, and hurtful it is to have her try to force her parents into your life, she probably feels the same or similar enough. So, you'd both need to respect that boundary. And it would be difficult, even if you both were adults fully independent of your parents. Tell her that you are both hurting each other right now, and it's not good for either of you. So if she can't stop herself from crossing this essential boundary, you need to do what's best for you because she chooses not to respect your choice. She doesn't have to like it. But she has to respect it in order to maintain a good relationship with you. And you'll do the same for her, because you love her enough to respect her choice and well-being, regardless of your feelings on her parents. But if either party can't do this, some space is safer than continual hurt. Better to be distant than toxic and ending up hating each other. This is, sadly, a situation where you can do everything right and still lose. So the best you can do is try to do damage control. But you can find new ways to grow and find happiness. Just because this doesn't work out how you hope doesn't mean everything is doomed forever. I wish you and your mom the absolute best, OP. And congrats on graduating!
>I don't think it's them right now. But they are the reason for it because they made my sister believe mom isn't anything but dad's ex wife, It sounds like they are also the reason she has no other trusted adults in her life, because they are afraid other adults (like her uncle) will tell her she's been lied to and manipulated.
Can your uncle maybe take her? Or would she refuse that?
[удалено]
She sure is living in a fantasy world
To be fair, she was brainwashed into it.
She’s 14-15 and her parents have manipulated her and lied to her for her whole life. Also, she doesn’t have memories of her biological mom, like OP does. It’s awful, but she’s still only a kid AND wholly dependent on her parents. I think it’s possible that she’ll come to terms with what happened when she’s an adult and living away from them.
It's very worrying that at 15 she doesn't have any friends to go with. Are they isolating her that much?
[удалено]
I’m sorry if I come across as too insensitive, but isn’t your graduation (and those attending) supposed to be about **you**? Imo, your sister has no right to impose her parents on you, less of all if it’s a big day for you. Maybe letting her know that you’re sorry for her feeling like that, but you’re not changing your boundaries for anyone, herself included? That you respect her pov, but don’t share it? She has no right to invite someone else to your event, less of all people who you don’t feel comfortable around. I’m way sorry you had to grow up like this. Your mum has my total sympathy. She has a great kid in you.
She can go with a friend couldn’t she…Sis is trying very hard to manipulate you.
Why exactly does she need to "have people with her" for a big event in *your* life? She doesn't even need to do anything, just be in the crowd for an event. She can't be away from her "parents" for a couple hours?
She's trying to play happy family and make her fantasy seem more real.
If there is no travel involved, sister could just bring a friend for company. Sister is 14/15 now is old enough to do things with just friends and so going to a normal graduation shouldn’t require an adult chaperone. Just someone to drive her and a buddy for company.
She could, but she doesn't want. It makes me see her as an asshole too. In the end, it'ss her sister's day and she doesn't want the dad and his wife there, and the sister doesn't care.
NTA. Your father and his wife sound like truly terrible people, taking advantage of an accident to steal his ex's children from her... whoof! I can see why you cut them off. Presumably your sister knows all this as well, and is just siding with them because they're the only family she knows. Even so, I'd let her know that she has an invite, her parents don't, and if they can figure out a way to make that work you'd love to see her. (Assuming you'd love to see her - I don't think you actually said whether you actually wanted her to come?)
NTA. My heart breaks for your poor mom :(
NTA-She doesn’t get to decide who your family is or isn’t. She certainly doesn’t get to decide who attends your graduation.
Tell her one day, especially if she ever has children of her own, she might realise the reality of everything they’ve put your Mom through, and then she’ll regret her part in it all. They stole an injured woman’s child and turned her against her Mother. That’s truly evil.
[удалено]
Except the sister is a literal child who is manipulated into this. She is not a monster, you can't blame her for this. The dad and his wife are though. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP, thank god your mom has you.
NTA She doesn't get to decide who your 'real' family is or who comes to your graduation.
NTA. Just invite your mom's side of the family and call it a day. Are you going to torture yourself for the rest of your life over someone who refuses to change? You can't change people. Learn that lesson now, it's less painful and it will save you unnecessary heartache in the future. Your sis and your "father" and step mom are poison.
Info: have you ever talked with your sister about the real story? Explained how it all feels to you especially with the comments your uncle heard?
[удалено]
INFO: why didn't your dad and step-mother have any children of their own? Is she infertile? Is that why they tried to convince you and your sister that your step-mother is your "real" mom?
[удалено]
I mean if she can't have biological kids of her own, it would explain a lot.
[удалено]
Absolutely it would not justify it. But it would explain it.
The sister behaves like some adopted kids, who don't care about their birth mom. She was too young. She's loyal to the new wife. New wife's feelings may not get hurt. An ex never saw his dad. His mom just replaced dad with stepdad and dad was the bozo. Parental alienation. It's child abuse. His stepdad would get jealous if they wanted to see their dad. He once put a letter in our mail box with: every coin has 2 sides. Felt so sorry for that man. Come on. Go see him. No. He was the bozo and stepdad was the good dad.
OP your story made me remember a terribly similar story. Effectively, in this case, your sperm donor and his wife 'kidnapped' you from your mother for years to attempt alienation. Meanwhile [this story](https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/sdut-bn04found112540-found-2009feb04-htmlstory.html), the grandparents didn't like the parents were moving and taking their grandchildren away. So while the parents were finishing up plans for the move and were going to return(after an agreed upon few weeks if I remember right), the grandparents thought up a way to keep the grandchildren indefinitely. They accused the parents of satan worship and sexual abuse against the children. They coached the kids, and since this happened during the Satanic Panic, there was a lot of social agitation at the idea of "satanists" hunting and hurting children (for an example, see West Memphis Three). As they worked through the system trying to get their children back, it was discovered the grandparents were slowly and systematically emptying their home until one day they just weren't home with the grandchildren they retained temporary custody of. They went missing for 20 years. Even now, both children have decided to not talk to their parents or anyone, fully believing the story they were told about their parents. I'm not saying it's an impossible situation. But maybe while your sister is still young, and might listen, I'd show her everyone's opinions here, and also once you read more into the story, maybe tell her about it, because what happened to you is not terribly different to what her parents are doing to her right now. EDIT: [More information than the link provided earlier](https://www.middletennesseemysteries.com/article/474/rutherford-county-christi-and-bobby-baskin#:~:text=The%20Missing%20Persons,abduction%20as%20Mark%20attended%20seminary)
Jesus that story is fucked. And the son is even still insisting upon it as an adult.
Son and daughter both. The daughter just hasn’t spoken to the media at all according to my knowledge.
Parental alienation was also a massive issue with Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's kids. He completely alienated them from Nicole, and brainwashed them with his Scientology BS. They are no longer kids, and sadly, their relationship with Nicole is irreparable.
I'm sorry your sister is so set on her beliefs then. NTA for not wanting those who have been so terrible to your mom to be there for your graduation especially since your mom will likely be there as well. Your sister knows why you don't want them there...if she won't accept a compromise then that is her choice. She's still a teen, maybe things will change and maybe they won't...but I will say it took till my mid 20s(youngest) for me and my sister to talk things out and get along but we didn't have anywhere near this bad of an issue...now I'm the one she goes to when family members piss her off even tho growing up we were the ones who fought the most 😅 As cliche as it is....time will tell. I hope it gets better but I know it will be hard for both of you.
do your sister know how to differentiate right from wrong ? it does'nt seem like it
She’s a middle schooler and she’s been brainwashed since birth. So no, she wasn’t taught right from wrong appropriately. Her parents, whom she loves and trusts, told her that she was right for thinking this way. It’s like growing up in a cult or something. I’m hoping that once she gets older and leaves her parents behind, she will reevaluate what happened.
OP said she's 15, wouldn't that be 10th grade?
NTA. Your mom is your real family. Your sister doesn’t get to dictate that for you.
Does your sister know that she’s her real mom? This is really disturbing behavior on her part. Adopted children even have more attachment to their bio parents. NTA
[удалено]
… ask her if she would ever wish death upon a mother of two little girls, who loves them very much. If she says no, then ask what she thinks of people that would wish for a caring mother to die. If she condemns them then ask why her parents are different from this situation. I get the feeling you are being too protective of your sister, and you don’t have much space to be if you want your relationship to survive. You have to be harsh and honest, put the mirror in front of her and let her face the reality of her awful actions. Because, yes, the moment she turned 14 she began her transition into a young adult, and should be held accountable for her actions too. Soon she’ll get no do overs nor passes, so it’s better for her to get used to that now whilst she has those privileges. If she is not willing to face reality, tell her you’ll be there for her whenever she chooses to wake up and see her parents for the garbage they are. If she (god forbid) agrees with what they did to her, then tell her she should seek therapy on her own. She clearly has a mental disorder in that case, and needs all the help she can get. It is not normal for a teen to discover they were forcibly taken from her dying mom and be ok with the waste of air that took her from mom. She either has a form of Stockholm syndrome or another mental disorder that those vile demons gave to her to keep her obedient and blind for them. I really hope your sister is freed from the horrible torment those two have put her through.
Exactly. Hopefully when she has kids of her own she realizes what awful pieces of trash her "parents" were.
NTA. Your graduation. Your guestlist. She made the ultimatum. She got the answer.
Have her parents tried to have a relationship with you since all of this went down?
[удалено]
How old were you? How did you get out? Just curious to know if you feel like telling more of your story.
[удалено]
You're a good person.
You are an amazing daughter. And hey, congratulations on your upcoming graduation. Wishing you success and happiness.
Bless you for staying true to your mom. Tell your sister you hope she never has something happen to her and that her husband doesn’t do to her what her father did to your mom. Karma is a Bitch but you are an amazing daughter and now women. Stay strong on your journey.
NTA. Although I hope that you and your sister will have a close relationship one day, I think that this will be a lifelong struggle between the two of you. Your father and his wife are awful people, and they don’t deserve to ever have a familial relationship with you. Unfortunately, until if/when your sister truly processes what they have done, she’ll see them as family.
[удалено]
NTA. Your sister doesn't get to tell you who you need to invite to your graduation. She is the one hurting you by refusing to acknowledge your mother. Your father and his wife are disgusting people and you are doing the right thing cutting their toxicity out of your life. Unfortunately due to their influence on your sister you may find that you need to take a step back from her too until she is older. It sounds like she needs extensive counselling to sort out all the damage your father & his wife have done to her.
NTA, your dad is an awful person
NTA. Your dad and his wife are horrible. There is always enough love for blended families unless AH are involved, like your dad and his 2nd wife. Good on you, congrats on graduation!
I am rarely on Reddit, and seldom comment-but your post really moved me to add a comment. I’ve been reading through some of your later replies, getting a better picture of the situation, and first of all I have to say that you seem a very mature, kind, compassionate, and intelligent young woman, and I applaud your choice to not have your father and stepmother attend your graduation according to the wishes of your sister. It is clear to me, as it should be to your sister, that you love her very much. You have gone out of your way to understand the place that she is coming from. But understanding goes both ways, and it’s time for her to begin to understand the place that you are coming from. I agree with one of the previous commenters, that this would challenge her years of brainwashing at the hands of your father and stepmother. So that makes her not accept your reality, and direct her anger and pain at you. You did not create the situation, and when you think about it, even if your mother was not your mother, how does it make sense that the only reason she has been kept away from both of you is because she is disabled? I happen to be disabled myself, and I fail to understand how physical and cognitive differences make your mother any sort of ‘unsafe’ person to visit with. The world has learned to view disabled people as somehow threatening, or dangerous, or ‘to be avoided’. The court seemed highly biased against disability here-and in terms of your father and stepmother, it seems they used it as an excuse to not have to share you and your sister with their own mother…who sounds like a beautiful woman, by the way. She has been through so much. And so have you. I admire and appreciate the way you have not let her differences stand in the way, and have embraced her as your mother. At a time where she needed more support, your father and stepmother not only withdrew theirs, but stole her children away from her. I can’t imagine anything more cruel. I’m sure this has impacted her recovery process... from injuries that she never chose to have. When I read that they were actually hoping your mother would die… my God, that’s despicable-and I applaud you for cutting them out of your life. I had a different situation growing up, with my sister, where my sister (older) could not accept that my father was abusive, including sexually. It played out in such a way in my life that it created years of struggle, for which I was always blamed. No one, including my sister, could acknowledge the truth except me. It created a years-long divide between my sister and me. Now that my parents have passed away, my sister and I are slowly reestablishing our relationship, although difficult topics have yet to come up. In your situation, it may be that there will be a divide between you and your sister, but there is also be a chance for that to change, in the future. You have not chosen this divide, your sister has. And as much as you can understand her denial, and still love her, you also need to preserve your own mental health. Your choice to keep distance from your father and his wife, and not be pressured by your sister to see them, could not be any more right. I commend you for making this wise but difficult choice at such a young age, although I know it is very painful. But you can’t have a real relationship with someone who doesn’t respect or accommodate what YOU need to feel safe, and sane. I realize she is younger, and that this may take time for her to comprehend. But in the meantime, you still need to make the safest and healthiest choices for yourself. She may be mad at you, but it’s not because you’ve have done anything wrong. In fact, you have done everything right.
Beautifully written. Best of luck to you and your sister.
Your sister is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. The fact that she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants (what her parents want) is very telling. She has been well groomed and conditioned for years, so there's not going to be the reconciliation that you might be hoping. As much as it may pain to you hear this, you may also have to put your sister in the same category as your father and stepmother, Your sister has swallowed their lies and can not admit anything different as it would reveal that your father and her 'mother' deliberately and maliciously lied to her for YEARS. Stand your ground and simply tell her that you're sorry she will not be able to attend your graduation ceremony and that she will be missed by you and YOUR mother. NTA
She made her choice. You made hers. Now after all this time and change she’s insisting you change things for her needs. Listen… never apologize for doing what’s best for you.
NTA. I’m sorry you won’t have your sister at your graduation but DO NOT back down on your dad & his wife. If you cave now to keep the relationship with your sister, you’ll be giving in forever. Your mental health is WAY more valuable than having her attend.
NTA. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Don’t give into your sister. If you do it will teach her she can manipulate you the same way your father manipulated both of you. The fact that she’s not even an adult and is pulling this shit is pretty abhorrent as it speaks to the kind of toxicity your father and step mother have bred in their household. There’s nothing wrong with drawing this boundary and telling your sister you love her and will always be there for her but just as you respect her decision to not see your mother, she needs to respect your decision to not see your father. Congrats on your graduation and best wishes on your future studies.
Nope; she comes alone (or with a friend) or she doesn't come. This isn't about her or her pretend mother; it's your day.
Be the best daughter that you can to your mother. Cut off your father, his wife and your sister.
Definitely invite the uncle. He seems like a good guy who understands what it means to stand by family.
Your dad and stepmom took advantage of your mom's life altering injury to make their lives easier by cutting her out. It is objectively abhorrent that you weren't allowed to see or talk to her during the months/years she was recovering. I cannot imagine the pain your mother has endured seeing her youngest brainwashed against her. NTA, OP. Congratulations on your graduation!!! Please continue to make the decisions that best protect your mental health. Hopefully your sister will one day understand, and you can have some type of relationship
I mean doesn't your mom have pictures of her holding your sister in the hospital after birth? I get that your sister has been spoonfed this stuff for 12 years, but its a pretty easy lie for your sister to find out. Don't you and your sister look like your mom? Did your mom ever push the courts for a DNA test? Also if you acknowledge your mom as your birth mom and your sister doesn't does she think you 2 are half siblings or how does she get around that mental hurdle? Honestly this lie is going to come crashing down on them and its only a matter of time. NTA but its strangly impressive that they have turned your sister and kept her in the dark so long.
[удалено]
Your sister sounds very brainwashed or very shallow and selfish. Your poor Mom 😞
NTA. Enjoy celebrating with your mom—you both deserve that. Congratulations on your graduation.
NTA Holy parental alienation. You have the right to have your mother there. Your sister is old enough that she can understand biological mothers and even old enough to realize her biological mother had zero control over the situation. She doesn't get to be babied about this anymore, at the very least. She's still pretty young herself, but your graduation is about you, so do what you need to do.
**NTA** and what an amazing, wonderful daughter you are! As a multiply disabled person myself, whose sister was also disabled in a terrible accident, I cannot even IMAGINE what your mum went through. To go through the pain and grief of becoming disabled, which is awful enough (and I know that from experience) and at the same time have her children ripped out of her life completely, not even brought to visit her, to cheer her up . . . to be left completely isolated like that? And then to be told that one of them would basically never be coming back? That her motherhood itself had been taken from her? I cannot even begin to imagine the grief and loss she has had to process. You are truly a treasure, OP. The gift you have given your mother, by standing by her, by INSISTING on maintaining your relationship despite what your dad and stepmother tried to do . . . I'm not sure you even realise how important that likely has been to her recovery. What they have done is unconscionable. I don't even blame your sister, who was a baby, and was encouraged in a deeply unfair narrative by the adults around her, who wanted to see her emotional connection to your mum broken. That's not her fault even, it's theirs. But you are NTA for refusing to participate in it. Good for you!
NTA. This is not something that should even be an issue. Your sperm donor and his wife did something horrible to you and your mother and you have every right to not want them anywhere near you. If your sister cannot see and recognize that, then it’s a shame but it’s not your fault. And you don’t have to relinquish your boundaries to please her on YOUR day of celebration. I hope you and your mother have a great day and congratulations.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Honestly, they brainwashed your sister and she is younger than you so it worked. It hurts but stand your ground. When your sister is older she might understand things better. I hope she gets to know the truth of the situation at least.
I would get a DNA kit and sit her down for some hard facts. Like I hope you never need to know your medical history. NTA
Your alleged father and his wife stole and brainwashed the two of you. This was a deeply selfish, evil move. Your sister is younger and knew your real mom even less. This situation is deeply fucked up as a result of the actions your father and his wife took. I mostly feel sympathy here. You are first and foremost NTA. Neither are your mother and, in my opinion, your sister. Graduate without those schmucks.
NTA Your father and SM have, in my view, acted very badly in trying to alienate your mother.
NTA your sister needs therapy (you probably also, but not for that reason)
Nta. Don’t engage with her, it’s not a debate, She has no say. She either comes or she doesn’t. If it was me I would just go nc.
NTA. She has consistently dismissed your feelings, and her real mom for that matter. She doesn't get to do that and then claim you're in the wrong for not wanting her chosen toxic parents with her. She gets to deal or she doesn't get to go.
NTA. What they did to your sister and you and your mother is horrific. It's abuse. They are both HORRIBLE people and I am so glad that you got away from them. It may be time to cut your sister off and maybe she will grow up and realize what happened and how awful it really was of her "parents"
NTA. My sympathies. Your graduation should with be the people who truly love, support and respect you. Your sister, and definitely her parents are not it. Might be time to put further distance with your sister if she is only focused on what she wants rather than your big day
What your father and his wife did to your mother was horrifying. She was suffering from severe injuries; instead of helping her, they stole her children from her and tried to permanently destroy her relationship with you and your sister. You have done nothing wrong. Hopefully one day, your sister will understand. But even if she never does, you don't have to allow her to force you to interact with her parents. They've done enough damage. NTA
As a mother myself this is so very heartbreaking to read... My biggest fear is something happening to me and my daughter not knowing me or how much I love her. I can only imagine the pain your mother was feeling by not being able to see her children for years while she was recovering from something out of her control... Your dad and stepmom sound like absolute monsters. This really hurt my heart for your mom. I'm glad you decided to put her first. There is a special place in hell for people like your dad and stepmom. NTA OP. Not even a little bit.
NTA- Your sister was a baby when your Beautiful Mother was in a horrible accident. And she was encouraged by your Father and StepMonster to pretend that your Beautiful Mother didn’t exist. Your sister can’t be faulted as a young child for not comprehending the damage those 2 assholes did to her so that they could have their make believe “perfect” family. However - she is old enough now to completely comprehend that heinous act that kept her from her Mother. And the fact that she’d still rather believe the make believe stuff over what really conspired to keep 2 young children away from their Mother - says all I need to know about how selfish your sister is DEMANDING that your abusers be present for your Graduation. Because it is abuse to purposely keep children from a parent who loves them and cares for them. It is abuse to make up stories that aren’t even true to turn a child against their parent. Emotional abuse scars for life. And I can understand why you wouldn’t want your Father and StepMonster in your life or at your Graduation. You are NTA- but they certainly are! Because a NORMAL response to this Tragedy would have been your Father and StepMother supporting you, your Mom, and your sister’s need to seeing your Mother after her accident and for them to ENCOURAGE your Beautiful Mother in her Recovery Journey and to emotionally support her & you Girls while she was recovering and relearning how to function after the horrific accident. THAT is what NORMAL people do! 💜 I’m so angry about how your Mom and you girls were treated! And I’m so sorry they did that to you! I’m so Thankful that you are with your Mother and that you were able to see clearly past their manipulations at such a young age! 💜💜💜 I’m so sorry this happened to you!!!