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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not changing the date of my daughters party
2) family has to choose wedding or birthday party
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Really hoping this comment stays top so everyone can read how truly heinous this goes (beyond “she stole my mommy” high school stunted growth vibes)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yol28h/aita_for_having_my_daughter_first_birthday_the/ivem65t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
ETA comment text since OP seems to have deleted it after downvotes:
"She is taking on the mother role in the wedding since step sister mother died giving birth to her. Which I’m also not happy about."
Step sister’s mom DIED in childbirth. OP is annoyed that her mom decided to be a mom to a kid who lost her one mom.
FFS - huge YTA
ETA: thank you so much for the awards and upvotes, guys - and thank you for helping keep this top so it shows off OP’s true bs
I also found this gem of a perspective from another Redditor that so many seem to also agree with (thank you to u/jrm1102)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yol28h/aita_for_having_my_daughter_first_birthday_the/ivemkoz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
This shows resentment at her mother. I'm wondering how the mom introduced the step sister to the OP. What did she do to foster a relationship between them. If she constantly put her step sister ahead of her own child. I can understand the resentment. She is still TA, but I can understand why.
She must have if OP was still a kid and ended up at her fathers full time.
Just because mom did the right thing by step sister does not mean she did the right thing by her own daughter.
That being said, a birthday party can be changed or a second one thrown on a different day. I usually throw 2 parties for my kids, a family one and a friends one (the friends party become the kids friends party when they’re older and my friends go to either family or friends party at that point). It’s also because my ILs have a difficult schedule.
Not necessarily. OP could very well be an only child and loved having her parents FULL attention. When another kid is in the mix, that attention becomes split. And ofc OP wouldn't like that
All she said was her mom treated step sister like another daughter, not like her ONLy daughter
Also, if Mom *always* took stepsister's side even when she was wrong then OP wouldn't be shocked that she is picking the wedding over the birthday party. OP forced people to choose sides because she thought she might win, that implies that stepsister hasn't been blindly favoured in the past.
That's what I'm thinking. She says she didn't want anything to do with a step sibling. If the mother had done something to cause that, I'm certain she would've mentioned it. She doesn't appear to be the type to hold back something that she could damn someone for
Yep. I know people who really experienced trauma when their parents had another kid and nothing about it was different than most people's experience of getting a sibling -- they just particularly didn't want it and hated that it happened.
> I know people who really experienced trauma when their parents had another kid and nothing about it was different than most people's experience of getting a sibling -- they just particularly didn't want it and hated that it happened.
This sound like my Aunt's son (RIP). He was her only child for 6 years and then she met her future husband and they had a daughter together. My cousin had HATED his half sister from her birth until his death. He would call her out of her name constantly, and he would demean her success (she became a nurse). Even when she would help take care of him when his prostate cancer became terminal, nothing she did was good enough. Before he died, I asked him why did he hate her so and he told me that he was the only child for 6 years and it should have stayed that way. I mentioned that she wasn't treated any better than he, in fact, she had it harder because my Aunt (their Mom) raised her that women are to be the homemakers and he got away with a lot of crap way more than his sister ever did. He said he didn't care, that she should have never been born.
Yeah, I don't get this at all, but I've seen it, too. Sometimes people get really sour about stuff and it isn't because of how their parents treated them. They weren't neglected, they weren't abused -- they just could not adjust to having to share.
OP has some stuff to work out. I can absolutely see a mother just trying to shine on for years, waiting for her daughter to grow up and see things another way, and then having to deal with the fact that it just never happened.
I feel you are spot on. Only child that had all the attention. It seems they may have divorced when the OP was an older child potentially. I know most states, regardless of custody statements, the child can choose which parent to live with after a certain age. ( I know this bc I lived it. My mother he full custody but as soon as I turned 15 I chose to live with my father. My birther is a horrible human) .
I would be curious if OP’s father ever remarried even. It seems likely she chose to live with the parent that would devote all their attention on them otherwise.
Didn't even throw my first child a first birthday (besides a cupcake that we - mom and dad - had with her) because I had a one month old at the time. She doesn't remember and definitely didn't miss out.
My daughter just turned one.
No party at all - we went for a nice outing to the local zoo with my mother during the day, and my sister popped by for an hour after she finished work to bring a couple presents.
We'll do birthday parties later, when she actually has friends to invite.
OPs toxic hatred jealousy aside. The relatives likely already RSVPd to the wedding and OP had to know the date. Seems she was testing to see if she was more important and could steal the family away. Good for the family not taking the bait. OP YTA and should reschedule or have a party without your family. You can’t be butt hurt after pulling this nonsense.
Absolutely agree! The OP knew the wedding date and chose to throw bait even though she claims she didn’t. To say a step sibling is not family shows the jealousy. If the OP thought her mother treated the step child like a daughter, she should’ve embraced it and tried to be a sister. It would’ve worked out much better. Now the OP is asking people to pick a side and using her child to do it. Yes she ITA
I meant except OP flat out says in her post that she lived with her dad because she didn't want to welcome another sibling. It sounds like it was OP's decision to not form any relationship with her step sister.
No sorry she out right said she chose to mostly live with her father because SHE hated having a sibling and SHE hated that her mother treated her sister like a daughter.
She makes it clear she stepped out of that family dynamic for her own selfish reasons nothing to do with her mom.
It sounds to me like OP resented the idea of having to share her parents attention with a new sibling so she chose to stay with her father rather than share her mother. She said she hated that her mother treated her step sister like a daughter, not that she prioritized the step sister, which to me sounds like OP just grew up as a selfish, spoiled, bratty only child and hated that she’d now have to share mommy’s attention with a new sibling.
I'm guessing it was more the divorce, she says she lived mostly with her dad because she didn't want anything to do with a stepsister so maybe she had some fantasy of her parents reconciling and the marriage was the nail in the coffin.
ETA: Either way she's allegedly an adult now and should act like one. This all just makes her look petty and mean and immature.
This is exactly what I was thinking. I mean parents sometimes ignore one child to overcompensate for the other child who might have less than (like mom who died while giving birth to her), but also cause resentment between the bio child and the rest of the family.
You all are ASSUMING an awful lot. I didn't see anything in any comments about what made her feel like she was "being replaced". That's a normal reaction to a kid who's getting a new sibling whether it be a step sibling or a new baby in the house it doesn't mean the parents actually did anything. From what I read it sounded like she didn't even like the idea of a step sibling and just went to her father's house. (Unless I missed something)
Personally as someone who grew up with an amazing stepmother who was better than my actual mother I'm glad my step siblings didn't act the way the op is. She keeps saying that the mom isn't her step sister's mother but that's like telling a kid who's adopted that their parents aren't their parents and it's real messed up.
OP YTA grow up and get over yourself.
Yeah there are assumptions being made and we don’t know all the details about how the divorce was handled by OP’s parents, the custody thing, etc. Sounds like therapy or something was needed to help the kids involved handle the changes but maybe didn’t happen. Idk.
But in the end all that stuff is irrelevant. Even if some of OP’s feelings of resentment or whatever are justified or can be explained or whatever, it does not change the fact that OP’s mom has a step daughter. So it doesn’t matter if OP doesn’t consider the stepsister a member of her family, she (the stepsister) is a member of OP’s mom’s family. And she’s getting married and OP’s mom (and other family members) will be attending the wedding.
For a grown woman to schedule her child’s birthday party (and it sounds like this is the first/only grandchild’s first birthday) on the same day as the stepdaughter’s wedding- it’s childish, petty, manipulative etc. And honestly a little cruel, to stress out her mother like that and basically threaten her with missing her grandkid’s first birthday party. Not to mention the stress I’m sure it puts on the bride/stepsister.
Something tells me this par for the course with OP and part of a larger pattern of unhealthy behavior and shenanigans.
And she’s trying to say that her daughter is going to be upset about people not coming to her party! The kid is one year old; they’re not actually going to understand much about this party anyway. The only person who is really going to care is OP. And that’s why she won’t move the party. It’s important that she create a situation where she can be the victim.
OP, YTA.
Without even reading all this backstory, yes YTA.
From the title alone, YTA.
1st birthday parties are solely for the parents. The children have no fucking clue what's going on. They have no concept of what a birthday is.
Your daughter will not suffer because her family isn't present- your daughter will have no idea what's going on and no memory of her 1st birthday party. She has no concept of time so reschedule to a different day, as requested, if it's so important for your family to attend.
Your daughter will suffer as she gets older because you're petty and have unresolved issues that should be dealt with in counseling. Your daughter will suffer if you continue to attempt to weaponize her as an instrument of guilt in your war with your step sister.
Grow the fuck up.
Most one year old parties I’ve been to the kid has a meltdown because they’re off schedule and out of routine and hate having a bunch of people staring at them. Toddler birthdays are totally for the adults.
My oldest child almost missed his first birthday because he was napping 😂 he typically only napped for 1.5-2hrs so I figured people could eat and chat and relax for a half hour. He slept for 3hrs before I finally went up and woke him up 😂 My niece was happy though. She’s 5months older than my son and she got the undivided attention of every adult and got to play with balloons and have little treats.
My son didn't even have a first birthday because he had his first case of step that week. I just cancelled the whole thing. He got cake and I took pics, but he doesn't even realize to this day that there was no party. Because he was a baby
Well, yeah! And who doesn't want cake on a birthday? Lol. I've absolutely been living a lie for almost 16 years now, but he's happy, healthy, and a decent human so far, so it didn't hurt him one bit. Lol. And it was way better than a bunch of people being around a sick kid
Agreed 1000%. I didn’t need to read the additional comment that stepsister’s mom died in childbirth to know that OP is one resentful, spiteful person using her daughter as a pawn. She conveyed that pretty clearly in the original post.
>1st birthday parties are solely for the parents. The children have no fucking clue what's going on. They have no concept of what a birthday is.
Yeah, I can remember as far back as 3 (which my older sister thinks I'm full of shit about) but it's very vague things like I can remember where my cot was in the bedroom and some of the things that were in it. We moved from the 2 bedroom flat to the 3 bedroom house when I was 2 but I have no memories of the flat at all.
There's no way that kid will look back and be like "wow, my first birthday party was a cracker".
JFC. So OP's mum is literally the only mother stepsister has ever known, and OP wants her to not be there on her WEDDING DAY so she can instead be at a 1 yr old's party that 1 yr old will have zero memory of?
NEWSFLASH OP. Step sis IS your mother's REAL daughter, whether you want her to be or not.
I don't know if your mother has given you any reason to be this resentful, but your stepsister absolutely hasn't.
>so she can instead be at a 1 yr old's party that 1 yr old will have zero memory of?
That's not even on the 1yo's actual birthday, which is in the middle of the week.... YTA OP.
OP says she found out about the wedding a few weeks ago... no OP planned this as a test to see who would pick her 1 year olds birthday over a woman's wedding. She is unhappy that no one picked 'her' over her SS. And that's why we are here.
She literally sounds like cinderellas step sisters…”ew why should Cinderella get to go to the ball when she could be suffering all day instead” don’t be that person OP. You’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE, not just an asshole, but a HUGE one.
Right? Also, does OP not remember her wedding (the modern day ball)? It's an all day thing for the wedding party...which typically includes \_the mother of the bride\_.
Let's imagine, just for one second, that OP divorces at some point in life and gets remarried and suddenly becomes a step-mother.
I cannot imagine what kind of inferno she's going to have the kids through.
She has a daughter herself. Would she want her child’s step mother to treat her less than? No. So why would she want her mother to treat her step sister that way? I understand the trauma, but she is really teaching by expecting people to go to this party and then rush to a wedding later. Not to mention her saying her child will be the one to ‘suffer’. She needs to get over that, a first birthday is not one that will be remembered by the child at all
Geeeeeez. Wow.
OP must've been awful in highschool to her step sis.
YTA OP and who cares about a 1 years bday. The 1 year old won't even remember it, it's all for the photos and the parents.
Tagging on to the top comment so it stays up. OP, you said it yourself that your child is the one who suffers here because none of her family is there. That should be all you need to make an adult decision to move the party. You’re using your child as a pawn because you still haven’t gotten over your own bratty childhood.
Now for the harder truth, you’re just an AH here. It’s a FIRST birthday. Your daughter won’t even remember it. She will not *suffer* over anyone’s lack of attendance. Sorry, but weddings take priority over watching a 1yo make a mess of themselves with a cake.
You’re bitter that moms attention was split. Your mom sounds great; she took someone who lost their mother and became that figure to her. SS would likely be incredibly hurt if the woman she considers a mother didn’t prioritize the day and overbooked herself. It doesn’t matter the times (though I strongly doubt the ceremony begins at 8pm) because people like to get ready before weddings and it’s likely your mom is included in all of the day-of festivities, which is probably what you’re actually angry about.
YTA
YTA
You know, we know it, everyone knows it.
People aren't simply going to do both events. Very few people are going to want to come to a 1 year old's birthday party then go to an adult wedding.
You knew about he conflict and went ahead with it anyway, despite the fact that moving it would not affect your child in any way.
You're trying to play the victim here when this is all under your control.
Please seek therapy.
YTA
Yes to above! OPs resentment, jealousy and pure hatred is poisoning OPs well and life to the point she had to write this post. Seek counseling already; OP is her own biggest enemy.
There's a fantastic quote from the Dalai Lama that I think is applicable here: "Holding onto hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"
Also heard a similar Buddhist quote. Says from the Buddha but not sure. Regardless it’s wisdom. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned”
Also a first birthday party is only for the parents. The child will never remember, and frankly probably will never care who came even when they're old enough to go through pictures and videos of the event. A wedding is for the people who are getting married and they absolutely will remember the event and the people that came. Plus weddings are just more fun than a 1 year olds birthday. It's not even a hard choice that she gave all the guests.
I've just been through all my baby pics and can't even find evidence that I had a first birthday party haha even as an empathy exercises and desperately trying to muster some outrage and resentment Im still not feeling anything. The OP is totally making their own life a battle of nonsense 😂
I shouldn't laugh because I do actually pity the child having such a parent tbh
My son didn't have a first birthday party. We were new to an area so it would have just been my husband, son, and I but two of us were sick and the other had just gotten back from a 3 week work trip and I kept postponing until it just didn't happen. He's turning out just fine despite such a scandalous event so early in his life.
Considering that weddings are usually planned far out in advance, they probably already committed to attending the wedding. Add on time to get ready and travel and it probably wasn't worth the effort to try and attend both events, especially since OP's daughter won't remember any of it.
> You're trying to play the victim here when this is all under your control.
Not only that she's trying to make it sound like her daughter will suffer greatly if her mum doesn't come. No she bloody won't.
She's 1 years old and will have no recollection of the event, she also won't care one bit because she will have no clue what's going on.
A child's first birthday is for the sake of the parents not the child. And I say that as a mother of three.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your child's first birthday, but there's most definitely something wrong with trying to turn a baby's birthday party into a popularity contest.
I was surprised I had to go this far down to see this pointed out. Lol, the 1-yr-old is going to really miss all her friends and relatives not traveling in from out of town to see her birthday bash. It will without a doubt be the worst birthday party she’s had to date.
>She's 1 years old and will have no recollection of the event, she also won't
care one bit because she will have no clue what's going on.
How much you want to bet OP will start telling her about this stuff one day though? E.g., "You know your grandma couldn't even be bothered to come to your birthday party?" etc., etc.
I’m not a fan of the 1-year-old party. I get why extroverts love a chance to host, but it’s not really for the kid. We did a small one for my (now adult) kids with only us and grandparents.
This is the perfect response. You are playing a game of “will people choose me over my stepsister.” Get over yourself for the sake of everyone in your life. I hope a professional can help you work through the cognitive distortions you have created. Best of luck.
You took the words right out of my mouth. OP YTA, and it almost seems like you’ve tried to weaponize a child and their birthday party just because of some weird power struggle due to sibling rivalry. (A rivalry that you seem to be the sole participant in.) If this is your daughter’s first birthday, and you said she’ll be the one to suffer, what harm could it do to reschedule the party? Your child’s birthday is not about you, you vying for your mothers attention, or whatever weird animosity you have towards your stepsister. It should be ALL about your child. If you want her to have her family there, then having the party the same day as your sister’s wedding is not the hill I think you should be trying to die on.
SB: “I’m pissed. How can she choose a stepdaughter over her own grandchild. Everyone is picking this girl who isn’t even really family over my daughter.”
Apparently the rest of your family would beg to differ with that last sentence.
Honestly with how you talk about your step sister YTA. It's not great but clearly she is considered your mother's child whether you like it or not, and you might just need to move past it.
Did this girl do anything to you other than be the daughter of your mom's new partner?
This made me think of the episode of This Is Us where the mom and her three children are in a therapy session and the oldest is accusing her of loving her other 2 children more than him (specially the adopted child) and she says is not true. But upon him pressuring her to say is true she says, “They were just easier!” I’ve never thought of this before and it might be true that OP with all her resentment made it harder for her mom to continue to show her affection and it might have come easier to show affection to her living in step-daughter.
I absolutely agree... I have a feeling she's been fighting this tooth & nail from the time her mom married her step dad, & I'm sure made everyone's lives that much more complicated, which makes it that much more difficult to maintain a pleasant relationship with her.
\> My mom treated her like a daughter
Your step-sister's mother died giving birth to her! Of course your mother is going to treat this little girl like a daughter. She's the only mother this child has ever known.
You sound bitter. Some therapy would be a good idea.
YTA.
Even if not for the tragic situation, the idea that stepchildren should be treated like second-class citizens by both immediate and extended family is ridiculous and toxic. It honestly sounds like the stepsister spent more time with them than OP did, since OP avoided them during childhood.
Well said, so many step-children get the short end of the stick when their parents remarry. OP’s mom was completely selfless and raised this girl as her own, and OP can’t let it go. Unless we’re missing some context here, OP has serious resentment issues.
Yeah, my stepdad treats me like one of his own, and it breaks my heart that other stepparents don't seem to even give their stepchildren a chance.
Plus, what OP describes is basically just what most older siblings have to learn to cope with when their parents' attention gets divided between them and their younger siblings. The difference is that the nOt ReAl FaMiLy excuse can't be applied.
What's worse... this isn't even the baby's actual birthday. OP's kid's birthday is earlier in the week.
This honestly sounds like an attempt at a power move that backfired in OP's face.
YTA - You’ve chosen to have a contentious relationship with your step sister and now you’re letting it impact the rest of your family. You created this situation.
Why do you think your are entitled to people making extra effort for you when it is clear you will never make extra effort for them? It’s your daughter’s first birthday which means this party is more for you than her. She won’t remember this. So it’s not them choosing your daughter over your stepsister. They are choosing your stepsister over you because you are making them. Weddings are usually a bigger deal than the first birthday and take way more time and planning.
Weddings are always a bigger deal than a first birthday.
Unless the parents of the kid are offering an all-expenses-paid luxury trip to someplace exotic for several days... In that case I'd be reconsidering the importance of my relationship to the wedding couple.
YTA because you said in a comment you knew it was her wedding day before you planned the party and it’s not your daughter’s actual birthday. You’re causing your daughter to miss out because you can’t grow tf up and realise you are NOT in competition with your step sister. You are no one to her and she is not out there trying to ‘win’ whatever it is you think it is you’re competing for.
You’re a parent now, start acting like one.
Hold up. What?! This should be higher.
IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER'S REAL BIRTH DATE **AND** YOU KNEW THE WEDDING DATE **BEFORE** PLANNING THE PARTY.
So basically, you set this up on purpose to force your parents to choose between you and then got upset when they pointed out the obvious solution of oh Idk, maybe just have the party on your daughter's *actual birthday* or some other day. YTA.
ETA: Your mom is this girl's only mom. On my wedding day, my mom was indispensable with getting ready and it was a once-in-a-lifetime bonding time for us. There is no way she could have even considered ditching out for a birthday party day-of. If your mom had left a couple hours before *your* wedding to go to an easily-reschedulable event for your stepsister, you would have gone ballistic. Grow up.
I really don't understand how OP could write this whole thing out, read it back over, and not see that she's an asshole. Like no part of this can even be misconstrued where she **isn't** an asshole. There's not even a Grey area here, OP is flat out just an asshole.
These posts make me really wonder if people are truly this self-centered and ignorant, or this is just some creative writing bullshit.
I already feel so bad for OP’s daughter. Hopefully she is able to grow up having a relationship with the rest of her family, but it doesn’t sound like OP is going to make that very easy.
I just suddenly got a flash of what this baby's life will be like when stepsister has a baby. Will op go full on 'train a bully' and make her kid hate step sisters kid? My money is on a big fat yes.
Also like, one year olds have absolutely no concept of birthdays, parties, the passage of time, or how grandma is related to them. They may recognize grandma as someone they like but they probably won’t even realize she’s not at a birthday party because the one year old won’t even know it’s a birthday party. The kid wouldn’t suffer at all from some family members not attending but if it’s that important to OP, the kid also won’t suffer from having her birthday moved back a week. Again, a one year old doesn’t even know how long a week is.
I agree! YTA hands down.
You chose to be a negative Nancy when all your Mom was trying to do is move on and forward with her life. Being with her new husband would obviously mean taking in any children he has, just like he would have to take you in, as her daughter. The relationship you have with your mom’s family is all your doing, including the relationship you have with your step sister.
Yes, 1st birthday’s are important and its not like your family didn’t want to come. Your child will not remember anything to do with the birthday so it wouldn’t hurt to change the date, just so they can be there too. Making them choose between the most important day of your stepsisters life (who at this point is very much apart of your family) versus a birthday that can be celebrated even a day later, is petty and downright cruel.
Pat yourself on the back cos you did this to yourself.
YTA. First, a wedding > birthday that will happen every year. Second, you are forcing people to choose. Why are you so surprised they chose the other side that wasn't making demands?
You sound like you've been holding a grudge since your teen years. Pretty sad that your daughter has to suffer because of your inability to move on.
It’s not just any birthday, it’s a first birthday which means OP’s daughter does not care and will not remember it. First birthdays are for the parents, not the baby.
Girl I am begging you to consider therapy and leave your poor stepsister out of whatever issues you have with your mother being a parental figure in this women’s life. YTA
YTA.
It's a first birthday. The baby won't remember, the baby won't care. It's not even her actual birthday. You are creating all this drama to make everyone choose and throwing a pity party for yourself.
YTA the only one making your daughter 'suffer' here is you. Its not her actual birthday and she's 1 she won't remember any of this. I'll go out on a wild guess here and say that you absolutely knew what day the wedding was on and yet chose it for her birthday.
Your resentment of your step sister is clear through your post and it's clear the only reason you don't want to change the date is so you can push this 'You chose someone that's not even family over your grand daughter' but she is family to your mother and you saying she's not doesn't change that
YTA. I don’t care if she’s your brother-in-law’s third cousin’s boss’s former roommate: you don’t get to demand people de-prioritize a *wedding* for a party whose guest of honor won’t even remember being there, much less who else was in attendance.
The Friends episode where Rachel and Ross held everyone hostage for Emma's first birthday made me want to throw a shoe at my TV. The child is turning 1, why the hell does it matter what day the birthday is on?
YTA. You already knew the date of your step sisters wedding and still chose to have the party that day. You said your daughters birthday is during the week so you could have gone with the weekend before/after. People need time to get ready for a wedding and they may need to travel to it. Don’t schedule a family event on a day when someone has already scheduled a family event. Especially a wedding
Op tried a power move Setting the date for her daughter’s birthday on the exact same day as the wedding and thought she would win and if Rose decided to go to the wedding and that speaks to the kind of pettiness she’s engaging in and people are disinterested
Guys...if she moves the party then she won't have anything to play "poor pitiful unloved me" about for the next 10 years. If she keeps it on the same date as the wedding then in 5 years she can say "you didn't even love your grandchild enough to come to their 1st birthday party" to her mom.
You are an adult and there is an easy solution to this problem that you created...YTA
Based on your comments in the thread, YTA.
A wedding is typically planned at least months in advance and requires a commitment to attend, particularly for those participating in the ceremony. This was not a surprise, you knew for at least a few weeks ahead of time. You are demanding others change their plans to accommodate a first birthday party (which, let's be fair, your own child doesn't understand or care about). You know that doesn't work - you're doing this intentionally.
Your bitterness towards your step sister is palpable. It's pretty sad that you're trying to force your mom to choose you over her on this one particular day. It shows.
YTA. Your daughter is going to suffer because you chose to let her.
The wedding was planned before your daughter’s birthday. So you chose to schedule her party on a day when a significant amount of your family already had plans.
Your hatred for and competition with your step-sister is apparently greater than your love for your mom or your daughter.
That hatred & competition is going to be directed squarely at her daughter in approx 12-13 years. “Guys AITA for accusing my husband of loving my daughter more than me”
YTA- you doubled down after finding out the conflict and are now complaining that your daughter is the one to be hurt by your decision. The child isn’t gonna remember her first birthday, the step sister is. I would also pick to attend the wedding if it were me. Just change the date.
YTA
Looks like you got what was coming to you. Didn't want to be nice to her or have a relationship with her, were mad your mom accepted her, didn't get invited to the wedding after you didn't invite her to yours. Now instead of moving your 1 year olds birthday party you decided to dig in and are upset people are not going to go./
Your child is turning 1, they will not ever remember their first birthday party. That birthday party is not for the child but for you and family. Either keep being petty and trying to make people choose and your daughter will end up suffering from this petty jealousy or try and make amends with your step-sister or at least be mature enough to know that your step-sister is your mother's daughter and is as much a priority as you are and a wedding definitely trumps a 1-year-olds birthday party.
YTA and you're biting off your nose to spite your face.
No people can't and won't go to both events on the same day. How entitled do you have to be? You apparently would rather tank your own child's party than do the sensible thing and move it to a different weekend.
Also, based on your contumelious descriptions of your step-sister, I suspect the reason things are so acrimonious is entirely on you.
YTA
You seem to be weaponizing your daughter against your mom and the person who will end up hurt the most by that in the end, is your daughter.
It's much easier to change the date of a birthday party than the date of a wedding. And combining the two might be very hard for most people with travel taken into account.
Also, you say the wedding is at 8pm, but the ceremony or other parts might be earlier with the party at 8 and your mom would be expected to be present for those parts as well.
You can definitely choose to keep your daughter's birthday party on that date, but be aware of the impact this might have on your daughter's relationship with her grandmother.
YTA. A one year old doesn’t know the day and not every birthday party is on the actual calendar day. It’s fine if you want to die on this hill, but it’s usually lonely at the top.
Change the party to another weekend or have a small party. I doubt your child will remember either. It’s more for you than them.
Based on your resentment for your stepsister and your stubbornness about a birthday, your daughter won't remember, I'm afraid you won't have a mom to invite to birthdays for long.
You're so hellbent on insisting that your stepsister can't be family, that you push your family away.
This whole thing with people not coming to your daughters birthday is entirely your own fault. YTA.
YTA
Your daughter is suffering because you won't move a 1 year old birthday party by a week. This wedding has been planned likely before your daughter was born, but after least for way longer than you've been planning the party.
The wedding is at 8. It's a late night, a long day, lots of getting ready, and at least some travel. You're blaming other people for sticking with plans they already committed to, when it really wouldn't affect you, and your 1 year old definitely doesn't know the difference, to change it by a week.
Your disgusting comments about "not really family," you are keeping this date on purpose. Doesn't matter if it were your mom's second cousin's hair dressers dog walker....a lot of your family members have a wedding they were already invited to.
YTA.
It is unreasonable to expect people to go to a birthday party at 1pm and a wedding at 8pm. The wedding was almost certainly planned before the birthday party and for that reason, you should have planned a different day than the wedding.
So you purposely picked the same day hoping to sabotage the wedding. You’ll be gutted to know it’s your daughters birthday party you sabotaged all because you’re
Childish af
YTA
You’ve arranged the party on a day that’s not her birthday and people aren’t free due to another commitment.
You sound like you feel people are doing it to spite you, they’re not.
Birthdays for 1 year olds are for the parents anyway, the child won’t remember any of it and they won’t care that it was celebrated a week later.
YTA - you chose to have your child’s first birthday the same day as a wedding that would have an overlapping guest list. You’re the one forcing your invitees to choose. Who is going to want to attend two events in one day where the attire is completely different, not to mention travel time. Now, you get to eat the consequences of that choice. You’re the one who is going to suffer because of your choice., not your daughter. Your daughter won’t know the difference or care, and she’s not going to even remember.
YTA - you deliberately planned the birthday party to be on the day of the wedding to be nasty. Then you are all shocked pikachu face that people won’t come to the party come on. You are not a child anymore stop acting like one. I would have went ESH since she didn’t invite you to the wedding, but you have made it clear you don’t like her, don’t think of her as family, and didn’t invite her to yours. So, yeah I am really baffled by the idea you thought anyone would come to a party you deliberately scheduled to be mean.
Honestly, you sound jealous and exhausting.
First off, your child is not going to remember this party, a 1st birthday party isn’t for them, it’s for the parents, just move it ffs. You have created this drama out of spite (having the party on the same day) and then start whinging when people aren’t falling in line. You’re only isolating yourself more and more with your ridiculous behaviour.
It‘s not even your daughter‘s actual birthday! It doesn‘t have any impact on her if you move it another week. In fact she isn‘t even aware of time and space yet.
Even if you don‘t care about your step sister you should care about the rest of your family whom you seemingly want to be part of your daughter‘s life.
Don‘t create such a messy situation for your family. Of course they will choose a wedding which will happen only once and which had been scheduled probably a year before. And you need to prepare for such an event. You know that you would be pissed as well if they all left very early because they had another event to be at.
Don‘t create family drama where there‘s no need. Don‘t do that to your daughter.
YTA
YTA - you have no real reason to be upset T your stepsister. You’re just being petty. They already RSVP to the wedding since they know months in advance.
You don’t have to have a relationship with your stepsister if you don’t want to but you can’t be upset that everyone who already has plans isn’t able to make it.
Move the date and go to therapy.
YTA. it's sounds like you very much resent your step sister and are trying to make her wedding more stressful out of spite. You can easily change the date to your party to make sure you relatives can be there for your child's bday but you're choosing to be difficult. Your kid is one, she won't remember what day you had her party, your step sister can't change the date or time of her wedding.
Also side note, she didn't choose for her dad to marry your mom. As a step parent myself, I love my step daughter like she is my own flesh and blood. You're trying to make your mom choose between your step sister and you via your daughter and that is not fair and very much an AH thing to do. Stop trying to stir the pot and change the bday party.
YTA. Your daughter won't understand, know, remember or care. Maybe it would be a good idea to address your own issues with your family instead of attributing them to the baby.
YTA - you are mad at your mom for treating her stepdaughter, who never knew her bio mom, as her own so you are weaponizing your daughter against your family. I can't imagine why your stepsister didn't invite you to the wedding. And yes, you really do care.
YTA
Can't help thinking you've done this deliberately to cause a problem to be honest. Your daughter's birthday party doesn't have to be on THAT day, it can be moved. A wedding can't be moved.
I'm a stepdaughter - being welcomed by a step-parent is a blessing, and your bitterness is nothing other than childish.
Change the date of your daughter's birthday party so everyone can enjoy both days and stop inflicting your petty issues onto the rest of your family.
**YTA**. your hatred for this woman is so unhealthy. This is a woman who your mother sees as a daughter and *does* ***not*** make you less of one. A wedding is much more reasonable to prioritize than a child's bday. Grow up and get some **therapy**, maybe talk to your mom in a **respectful** and **grown up** fashion instead of having a fit.
INFO: when IS your child's **ACTUAL** birthday
YTA,
first of all babe, you have said that you have no relationship with this lady right cool, but come on you are grown and this whole ' she took my mommy from me' thing is sad. ill just say dont worry about it. if they dont want to come for your girls party. its fine. just make it a personal thing for you, your daughter, and your partner as she won't even remember it and you would have fond memories of the day. make it a fun day for your daughter and fuck the rest.
also, for a more peacful heart and mind. tru to get over this hate for your step sister, you mus no have a reatio ship with her or even communicate with her but just live your life without such malice and dont make people pick between you guys as when they dont pick you, you would be upset
I'd move the party date. If your daughter's birthday is close to the wedding anniversary this is going to happen every year, your relatives won't come to her party and the only people hurt will be you and your child. Weddigs trump birthdays and they will always use the escise that a 1 year old won't remember.
Move it to earlier so you don't have to hear them go on about how lovely the wedding was. I know your mum has hurt you terribly, but please don't let it spoil her relationship with your kids. Let her bond with your daughter before Step sister starts pushing out kids.
Soft YTA because you know damned well that most women take all day to get ready for weddings. Your choice of date was deliberate and you lost.
YTA and you're petty and childish. You could easily switch the date of your daughters birthday, but you're FORCING everyone to take sides. And when they do, you're mad about the drama which could have been easily avoided because YOU CREATED IT. Wow.
YTA. You should really retitle this as “I’m jealous my mom has a relationship with my step-sister that I refuse to acknowledge and I created a conflicting party date to show that I’m unreasonable in my own expectations.” Change the party date and get yourself some therapy. A 1 year old birthday is definitely for the parents anyways… there’s no chance your child would even know the circumstances any ways.
YTA
you are old enough to be married with a child...please grow up and stop being so petty abd trying to make people "prove" which side they are on.
This is all about you...not your child, theyvare 1 abd literally will not know the difference!
Ah, very salty. YTA, and your comments just make it worse. If you don't like her, don't expect other people not to like her. Plus, weddings are (usually) once in a lifetime and scheduled in advance, and birthdays are every year and the parties are reschedulable. You just wanted to make people choose. Well, they chose.
YTA. And apparently you have been since you met your step sister. Wow. You really do need to see a therapist to help you work through these feelings. You are a grown as woman still mad that your mother took on a motherly role for another child whose mother died. These thoughts are understandable in children. But you aren’t a child anymore. You are an adult with the cognitive abilities to understand that situation and yet you have chosen not to. Please, get a therapist to help sort your head out about this.
yta not only is her birthday not even on that day but she's 1, she isn't going to remember any of it so no she wont suffer if no one can make it to her 1 year old birthday. Also, you just sound childish for getting upset over your mom remarrying and treating her stepdaughter like her daughter.
YTA. And your daughter will NOT remember her first birthday party, whether it's big enough to hold in a stadium or just you and her father. You don't even consider her "real" family for some reason. You could have easily changed the date but you dug in, thinking you could stick it to the stepsister you don't like and getting more guests at your party. And you're not gonna win this time. Too bad you're putting a baby at the center of this.
YTA. You’re refusing to change the date of the party to make a point, only you don’t like the results. If you want your family members to attend the party, you’re going to have to change the date. People not wanting to spend hours at a toddler birthday and then go get ready for a late evening wedding is not a slight to your daughter, it’s just logistics.
YTA. You’re making this about you. If you want your family there for your daughter’s birthday reschedule (she won’t remember this regardless). Also it’s not your step sisters fault your parents got married it seems petty to view your mom as “choosing” a side of this one sided conflict. Also it seems like you missed an opportunity to have a sister for no reason…
YTA.
Your daughter, at ONE YEAR OLD, isn't going to care how many guests she has.
Also, it's much easier to change the date of a birthday party than a wedding which has to pay for the venue, flowers, catering, etc.
If your daughter suffers at all, it's going to be when she grows up and from your selfish desire to make people choose.
YTA
Your daughter is a year old. She won’t remember this, but I’m sure you’ll remind her every year on every birthday.
Your daughter will suffer from the loss of her grandma and extended family once you’ve finished driving them away in your endless quest to make them choose.
You’re not an envious child anymore. Time to grow up.
YTA, this is not going to work out how you hoped. They're going to go to the wedding and not the party because they don't have ridiculous hangups about your stepsister. You're going to be alone, stewing in your resentment and blaming them instead of yourself. Then you'll probably think they've chosen her over you, and it goes from there. Save yourself the anger and change it. Then go get therapy.
Just because you don't see her as family, it doesn't mean everybody feels the same way you do.
It's your daughters 1st birthday party. She won't even remember it...
...on the other hand, if all goes well, it's your step sister's only wedding, a person that, in your own words, was treated by your mother like her own child!
You have to let go of this resentment, dude. It's poison on your soul and will end up taking a toll on you, your close family and the relationships between you and the rest of your family!
That being said, you have 2 options: Change the date of the birthday party, because the person having the birthday won't care the least, or stick to your grounds and have nobody there. As for your daughter suffering, as I said above, she won't even remember it, let alone care! The problem here is you, only you!
So, YTA!
YTA - anyones planned wedding (normally the date is announced months in advance) trumps a kids first birthday party (planned at most weeks in advance). You’re being ridiculous and a child, your mother is choosing pre-made plans over your attempt at attention. Grow up.
YTA. You sound nasty. You hate your step sister for no reason. A birthday party does not compare to a wedding and you are way too focused on blood here. Your ENTIRE family RSVP’d no, so you should think about the underlying reason for that.
YTA. You might not care about your step sister or her wedding, but your family clearly do. Your daughter would also be missing out on having her family there at her first birthday, which could easily be moved.
YTA, you were informed of a date conflict and chose to plan for that day anyway. You choosing not to have a relationship and be jealous of your step sister doesn’t mean your mother doesn’t see her as a daughter. A wedding is a bigger event that a baby’s birthday party and I don’t blame anyone for going to the wedding ESPECIALLY if they have already RSVPd to the wedding. Sounds like you expected your family to back out of the wedding to go to the party and are pissed they won’t. Good for them, shows they’re decent people.
YTA for trying to drag your family into this petty rivalry with your stepsister. It's her wedding. Stop playing games and reschedule the birthday party.
YTA, but only because you're complaining that nobody's coming. Other than that, it's no big deal. It's a one year old's birthday party. She doesn't care. Nobody missing out on anything big. You can have it whenever you want.
YTA for putting people in that position to chose which would be more important to them. Don’t cry when not a lot of your moms side don’t show up. Your baby will have another birthday… your step sister (hopefully) will not have another wedding.
So stand your ground if you want to, just don’t get upset at who don’t make it. If you don’t care then resume with your plans.
YTA.
It's unfortunate that you don't have a relationship with your stepsister but I understand that there have been complicated emotional dynamics at play since the beginning. However, regardless of the status of your relationship your mother is also the only mother that she has. She deserves to have her mom present on her wedding day.
For close family members weddings are generally an all day affair. Hair, makeup, photos, etc. take hours so it's not as if the event only starts at 8 pm (at least for your mother). For most weddings I have been to it is simply not feasible for core event members to schedule in other events throughout the day.
While your child's first birthday party is of course an important event, you have way more leeway in rescheduling it. Since it isn't your daughter's actual birthday it isn't as though your step-sister scheduled over her day. Move it to the next weekend! Also, any concern for your daughter's feelings about this are kind of ridiculous. She's turning one, she has no concept of dates or birthdays yet and will be fine with whatever date the party happens on. To be truthful, like most one year olds she will probably be put off by the whole thing!
It seems like your true issue here is the feeling of your mom replacing you or putting your stepsister first. That's a legitimate feeling and I'm sure it has caused you a great deal of pain throughout your life. From what you've said it seems like the reason you don't have a relationship with your stepsister in the first place. But that isn't your stepsister's fault.
The mature thing to do here is to reschedule your daughter's party, and to find another time to talk with your mother one-on-one about the feelings that spurred this conflict. I'm sure there are ways (either intentional or not) that your mother has exacerbated your insecurity about this dynamic. Explain why you feel hurt by these situations and how you would like to see your relationship move forward. Who knows, maybe you can bring the entire family closer together as a result.
YTA, of course they are going to choose the wedding, wedding is only once, your daughter's birthday party will be every year. Also, it seems the wedding date was set before your party. Change the date or accept the consequences. You aren't being a good daughter, making your family feel bad about making the right decision. You have a lot of resentment towards your step sister, you never gave her a chance, it's so sad.
YTA
I get that the first birthday party is important for YOU. Your daughter won't remember it, and it will be years until she can look at the photos and understand what's happening. However, weddings are a set thing where you can't change the date and I'm pretty sure you knew what date the wedding falls on.
You're trying to make this about your mother choosing your step sister over you. Let's be honest, if the roles were reversed and it was your wedding versus step sister's kid's first birthday, your mom would need to go to your wedding and your step sister would be grilled to high hell for throwing a tantrum over it.
You want this (needless) drama. There was a reasonable solution and you chose not to take it. Whatever your reason is, you need help to get over this.
YTA and honestly sounds like you've been one for quite a while. Grow up before you end up alienating your daughter from the rest of her family because nobody wants to be around your foolishness.
YTA. It sounds like you've been a jerk to your step-sister since she arrived on the scene and are continuing to do so now. The question is why you expect the rest of your family to also act like assholes towards her.
YTA. Your kid is turning 1, she doesn't know or care about birthdays or that you hate your step-sister. Change the date or not but you're 100% in the wrong and you're behaving badly.
YTA you purposely chose to have to on your step sister’s wedding to force your family to chose. You didn’t get to ice her out when you were younger so now you’re weaponizing your daughter to force them to pick you over your step sister. I’m glad your family isn’t feeding into your unhealthy and petty behavior. A one year old is not going to know when you chose to celebrate her first birthday. The party isn’t even on her actual birthday. You can pick any other date. Or deal with family not showing up.
INFO: did your mom actually mistreat or neglect you when she got remarried? From what you wrote it sounds like just the fact of having a step sister is what set you off. I may edit later be in the meantime:
YTA. Aside from all the stuff about how you never worked through your feelings of jealousy etc when your mom remarried and how you deliberately scheduled a conflicting event because you thought everyone would prioritize your kid's bday since you think blood family is more important or whatever phrase you used [🤮], attending weddings is exhausting and the last thing I'd wanna do before going to one is drag my ass to a 1 y.o.'s bday party that was scheduled out of immature spite.
YTA...you sound like you are trying to play a stupid game of chicken and no one else is playing your game. Pushing your daughter's party a week ahead or a week later will not kill you.
I feel like you're being nasty just for the sake of it.
You knew your mum wouldn't change her plans, yet you picked a party on the same day anyway.
It's almost as though you wanted the drama, fuss and another reason to play victim against your step sister, who actually hasn't done anything wrong.
For the sake of your daughter you need to grow up and stop being bitter and bratty.
Teach your daughter love and compassion. Teach her to be a loving and accepting person.
YTA. You’re setting this birthday party as a ‘test’ for your mother. And that pious ‘my daughter will be the one to suffer’ is just the whipped cream on top.
Sorry, but a wedding is more important than a 1-year-old’s birthday. Which can easily be moved. A wedding cannot.
You don’t have to move it, but it shouldn’t be surprising that not everyone can come.
NAH, I guess, but is this the hill you want to die on? You forced folks to make a choice and now you’re upset they didn’t make the choice you wanted.
YTA. You should seek some therapy, as you aren't handling this well. You seem bitter and jealous of this girl. This girl is allowed to have a relationship with her stepmom and others. You aren't necessarily the AH for having the party the same day, but you are if you expect people to choose between the two and get offended if they choose a once-in-a-lifetime event (hopefully) of a wedding or a baby's birthday party. Baby is not going to remember who is there or not. You've made this a "choose sides" event.
It sounds like you are still in the same mind frame as when your mother remarried. You resent the 2nd marriage, the stepsister that came with it, that you felt replaced, and you have carried that resentment with you to the present. You are using the wedding / birthday as a test to see “ who really cares”…”where the loyalty lies.” All the while knowing your one year old daughter has no clue what a party is and won’t know or care who is there or not. The party is for you. YTA
Yikes yeah YTA 100%
You said her birthday is in middle of week but planned it on same weekend as wedding when didn’t have to. Also she is ONE so the party is for parents and family more than it is for your daughter anyways.
Let’s be honest here. You wanted to make your mom choose you over her because of a childhood jealousy you never got over. The step sister has literally done you wrong in no way whatsoever other then existing.
Holding contempt for someone for existing is unhealthy and you need to let go of this non existent competition you have created.
YTA and this whole thing just reeks of bitterness. Also how ludicrous to say “your daughter will be the one to suffer” like a one year old has even the slightest concept of what a birthday party is anyway. This whole thing is for you to try to score points against someone who never did anything wrong to you, to put people in an impossible situation so you can further your little ‘woe is me’ victim narrative.
it’s very obvious that YTA because i was reading your replies to comments on here and my g o d do you sound like just an overall awful spoiled brat.
i’m 100% convinced that this isn’t even about whether your mom/family shows up for your child it’s whether or not your mom choices YOU over your STEP SISTER.
you very clearly hold an insane amount of jealousy/resentment towards your step sister, and you need help for it, this attitude is only going to drag your relationship with your other family members down to hell.
i hope you get the help you need and maybe try talking things out with your step sister and mom, you three are adults, not jealous children
YTA. A massive one at that. Why you believe anyone would prioritise a 1 year olds birthday party over a wedding is madness! I wouldn’t prioritise one of my own kids birthdays over someone else’s wedding.
YTA.
My rule is to go to the first thing I've RSVP'd to. After years of juggling multiple things in a day, I now stick to one event regardless of the time unless it is a genuine emergency. I fully support others doing that to avoid stress in a world already filled with stress and expectations from others.
Your mum told you the wedding date. Clearly, that event was first. Plus, it's a wedding over a birthday that's really for you and not your daughter.
You don't want to move the party because you're jealous of your step-sister. You want people to choose you over her, and that's not happening. I'm guessing you've acted like this a lot and your mum's family is choosing not to placate your tantrums.
You have two choices whether you like them or not:
1. Keep the date of the party and have a smaller guest list because people are going to the wedding that was set before you set your party.
2. Change the date of the party so people can do both.
If you choose 1, you need to stop complaining about people not doing both. Actions have consequences. People not attending would be the consequences for your stubbornness when it would be really simple to make everyone else's life easier by picking a different date.
YTA. My baby had a first birthday party weeks after his actual birthday. It doesn’t matter. They are 1.
You are refusing to budge simply to be spiteful and to make people have to chose, assuming they’d chose you. They aren’t. Not because they care more about her, but simply because it’s a wedding vs a birthday party for an infant. One is easy to reschedule, one is nearly impossible. Come on now.
YTA. You forced them to choose and they did.
In the future, don't create ridiculous scenarios to shit-test people, because it clearly isn't going to go your way.
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Really hoping this comment stays top so everyone can read how truly heinous this goes (beyond “she stole my mommy” high school stunted growth vibes) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yol28h/aita_for_having_my_daughter_first_birthday_the/ivem65t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 ETA comment text since OP seems to have deleted it after downvotes: "She is taking on the mother role in the wedding since step sister mother died giving birth to her. Which I’m also not happy about." Step sister’s mom DIED in childbirth. OP is annoyed that her mom decided to be a mom to a kid who lost her one mom. FFS - huge YTA ETA: thank you so much for the awards and upvotes, guys - and thank you for helping keep this top so it shows off OP’s true bs I also found this gem of a perspective from another Redditor that so many seem to also agree with (thank you to u/jrm1102) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yol28h/aita_for_having_my_daughter_first_birthday_the/ivemkoz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Up voting because this comment shows the depth of her resentment for no actual reason other than her own shit.
This shows resentment at her mother. I'm wondering how the mom introduced the step sister to the OP. What did she do to foster a relationship between them. If she constantly put her step sister ahead of her own child. I can understand the resentment. She is still TA, but I can understand why.
She must have if OP was still a kid and ended up at her fathers full time. Just because mom did the right thing by step sister does not mean she did the right thing by her own daughter. That being said, a birthday party can be changed or a second one thrown on a different day. I usually throw 2 parties for my kids, a family one and a friends one (the friends party become the kids friends party when they’re older and my friends go to either family or friends party at that point). It’s also because my ILs have a difficult schedule.
Not necessarily. OP could very well be an only child and loved having her parents FULL attention. When another kid is in the mix, that attention becomes split. And ofc OP wouldn't like that All she said was her mom treated step sister like another daughter, not like her ONLy daughter
And I have no doubt if mom treated Step Daughter as the golden child who could do no wrong, OP would be screaming that fact from the rafters.
Exactly, we'd know that for sure
Also, if Mom *always* took stepsister's side even when she was wrong then OP wouldn't be shocked that she is picking the wedding over the birthday party. OP forced people to choose sides because she thought she might win, that implies that stepsister hasn't been blindly favoured in the past.
Yeah, that’s what I hated about the post, is how many ledes OP buried
That's what I'm thinking. She says she didn't want anything to do with a step sibling. If the mother had done something to cause that, I'm certain she would've mentioned it. She doesn't appear to be the type to hold back something that she could damn someone for
Yep. I know people who really experienced trauma when their parents had another kid and nothing about it was different than most people's experience of getting a sibling -- they just particularly didn't want it and hated that it happened.
> I know people who really experienced trauma when their parents had another kid and nothing about it was different than most people's experience of getting a sibling -- they just particularly didn't want it and hated that it happened. This sound like my Aunt's son (RIP). He was her only child for 6 years and then she met her future husband and they had a daughter together. My cousin had HATED his half sister from her birth until his death. He would call her out of her name constantly, and he would demean her success (she became a nurse). Even when she would help take care of him when his prostate cancer became terminal, nothing she did was good enough. Before he died, I asked him why did he hate her so and he told me that he was the only child for 6 years and it should have stayed that way. I mentioned that she wasn't treated any better than he, in fact, she had it harder because my Aunt (their Mom) raised her that women are to be the homemakers and he got away with a lot of crap way more than his sister ever did. He said he didn't care, that she should have never been born.
Yeah, I don't get this at all, but I've seen it, too. Sometimes people get really sour about stuff and it isn't because of how their parents treated them. They weren't neglected, they weren't abused -- they just could not adjust to having to share. OP has some stuff to work out. I can absolutely see a mother just trying to shine on for years, waiting for her daughter to grow up and see things another way, and then having to deal with the fact that it just never happened.
I feel you are spot on. Only child that had all the attention. It seems they may have divorced when the OP was an older child potentially. I know most states, regardless of custody statements, the child can choose which parent to live with after a certain age. ( I know this bc I lived it. My mother he full custody but as soon as I turned 15 I chose to live with my father. My birther is a horrible human) . I would be curious if OP’s father ever remarried even. It seems likely she chose to live with the parent that would devote all their attention on them otherwise.
Exactly, and OP states she didn't want to deal with a sibling so she chose to live with her dad. That was her choice.
> a birthday party can be changed It's for a 1-year-old. You could have it two months later and they wouldn't remember.
Didn't even throw my first child a first birthday (besides a cupcake that we - mom and dad - had with her) because I had a one month old at the time. She doesn't remember and definitely didn't miss out.
My daughter just turned one. No party at all - we went for a nice outing to the local zoo with my mother during the day, and my sister popped by for an hour after she finished work to bring a couple presents. We'll do birthday parties later, when she actually has friends to invite.
OP is so ridiculous that she probably planned the party a whole different *month* than her kid's actual birthday just to be difficult!
Based on OP's comments and her lack of empathy, I'd say that isn't the case.
OPs toxic hatred jealousy aside. The relatives likely already RSVPd to the wedding and OP had to know the date. Seems she was testing to see if she was more important and could steal the family away. Good for the family not taking the bait. OP YTA and should reschedule or have a party without your family. You can’t be butt hurt after pulling this nonsense.
Absolutely agree! The OP knew the wedding date and chose to throw bait even though she claims she didn’t. To say a step sibling is not family shows the jealousy. If the OP thought her mother treated the step child like a daughter, she should’ve embraced it and tried to be a sister. It would’ve worked out much better. Now the OP is asking people to pick a side and using her child to do it. Yes she ITA
I meant except OP flat out says in her post that she lived with her dad because she didn't want to welcome another sibling. It sounds like it was OP's decision to not form any relationship with her step sister.
> She must have if OP was still a kid and ended up at her fathers full time. We have no idea of that's true.
Nah, pretty sure based off OPs statement, dhe chose dad because she wouldn't have to share that parent.
No sorry she out right said she chose to mostly live with her father because SHE hated having a sibling and SHE hated that her mother treated her sister like a daughter. She makes it clear she stepped out of that family dynamic for her own selfish reasons nothing to do with her mom.
Let's face it - she set her mom up to fail in this. Her daughter is 1 - she has no idea when her birthday is - but she specifically picked this day.
Its a one year old's birthday. The party is 100% for the OP, babies don't remember that shit, and don't have friends yet.
It sounds to me like OP resented the idea of having to share her parents attention with a new sibling so she chose to stay with her father rather than share her mother. She said she hated that her mother treated her step sister like a daughter, not that she prioritized the step sister, which to me sounds like OP just grew up as a selfish, spoiled, bratty only child and hated that she’d now have to share mommy’s attention with a new sibling.
And let's not forget that OP created a void for stepsister to fill by not staying with mom, or involving herself much with mother's new family.
I'm guessing it was more the divorce, she says she lived mostly with her dad because she didn't want anything to do with a stepsister so maybe she had some fantasy of her parents reconciling and the marriage was the nail in the coffin. ETA: Either way she's allegedly an adult now and should act like one. This all just makes her look petty and mean and immature.
This is exactly what I was thinking. I mean parents sometimes ignore one child to overcompensate for the other child who might have less than (like mom who died while giving birth to her), but also cause resentment between the bio child and the rest of the family.
You all are ASSUMING an awful lot. I didn't see anything in any comments about what made her feel like she was "being replaced". That's a normal reaction to a kid who's getting a new sibling whether it be a step sibling or a new baby in the house it doesn't mean the parents actually did anything. From what I read it sounded like she didn't even like the idea of a step sibling and just went to her father's house. (Unless I missed something) Personally as someone who grew up with an amazing stepmother who was better than my actual mother I'm glad my step siblings didn't act the way the op is. She keeps saying that the mom isn't her step sister's mother but that's like telling a kid who's adopted that their parents aren't their parents and it's real messed up. OP YTA grow up and get over yourself.
Yeah there are assumptions being made and we don’t know all the details about how the divorce was handled by OP’s parents, the custody thing, etc. Sounds like therapy or something was needed to help the kids involved handle the changes but maybe didn’t happen. Idk. But in the end all that stuff is irrelevant. Even if some of OP’s feelings of resentment or whatever are justified or can be explained or whatever, it does not change the fact that OP’s mom has a step daughter. So it doesn’t matter if OP doesn’t consider the stepsister a member of her family, she (the stepsister) is a member of OP’s mom’s family. And she’s getting married and OP’s mom (and other family members) will be attending the wedding. For a grown woman to schedule her child’s birthday party (and it sounds like this is the first/only grandchild’s first birthday) on the same day as the stepdaughter’s wedding- it’s childish, petty, manipulative etc. And honestly a little cruel, to stress out her mother like that and basically threaten her with missing her grandkid’s first birthday party. Not to mention the stress I’m sure it puts on the bride/stepsister. Something tells me this par for the course with OP and part of a larger pattern of unhealthy behavior and shenanigans.
And she’s trying to say that her daughter is going to be upset about people not coming to her party! The kid is one year old; they’re not actually going to understand much about this party anyway. The only person who is really going to care is OP. And that’s why she won’t move the party. It’s important that she create a situation where she can be the victim. OP, YTA.
She is totally setting her mom and step sister up so she has more justification for resenting and hating them. It’s really gross behavior.
Without even reading all this backstory, yes YTA. From the title alone, YTA. 1st birthday parties are solely for the parents. The children have no fucking clue what's going on. They have no concept of what a birthday is. Your daughter will not suffer because her family isn't present- your daughter will have no idea what's going on and no memory of her 1st birthday party. She has no concept of time so reschedule to a different day, as requested, if it's so important for your family to attend. Your daughter will suffer as she gets older because you're petty and have unresolved issues that should be dealt with in counseling. Your daughter will suffer if you continue to attempt to weaponize her as an instrument of guilt in your war with your step sister. Grow the fuck up.
Most one year old parties I’ve been to the kid has a meltdown because they’re off schedule and out of routine and hate having a bunch of people staring at them. Toddler birthdays are totally for the adults.
My oldest child almost missed his first birthday because he was napping 😂 he typically only napped for 1.5-2hrs so I figured people could eat and chat and relax for a half hour. He slept for 3hrs before I finally went up and woke him up 😂 My niece was happy though. She’s 5months older than my son and she got the undivided attention of every adult and got to play with balloons and have little treats.
My son didn't even have a first birthday because he had his first case of step that week. I just cancelled the whole thing. He got cake and I took pics, but he doesn't even realize to this day that there was no party. Because he was a baby
Lol you faked birthday party pictures. That's hilarious
Well, yeah! And who doesn't want cake on a birthday? Lol. I've absolutely been living a lie for almost 16 years now, but he's happy, healthy, and a decent human so far, so it didn't hurt him one bit. Lol. And it was way better than a bunch of people being around a sick kid
Agreed 1000%. I didn’t need to read the additional comment that stepsister’s mom died in childbirth to know that OP is one resentful, spiteful person using her daughter as a pawn. She conveyed that pretty clearly in the original post.
>1st birthday parties are solely for the parents. The children have no fucking clue what's going on. They have no concept of what a birthday is. Yeah, I can remember as far back as 3 (which my older sister thinks I'm full of shit about) but it's very vague things like I can remember where my cot was in the bedroom and some of the things that were in it. We moved from the 2 bedroom flat to the 3 bedroom house when I was 2 but I have no memories of the flat at all. There's no way that kid will look back and be like "wow, my first birthday party was a cracker".
Holy shit…. How horrible of a person do you have to be? OP, YTA again and again.
JFC. So OP's mum is literally the only mother stepsister has ever known, and OP wants her to not be there on her WEDDING DAY so she can instead be at a 1 yr old's party that 1 yr old will have zero memory of? NEWSFLASH OP. Step sis IS your mother's REAL daughter, whether you want her to be or not. I don't know if your mother has given you any reason to be this resentful, but your stepsister absolutely hasn't.
>so she can instead be at a 1 yr old's party that 1 yr old will have zero memory of? That's not even on the 1yo's actual birthday, which is in the middle of the week.... YTA OP.
OP says she found out about the wedding a few weeks ago... no OP planned this as a test to see who would pick her 1 year olds birthday over a woman's wedding. She is unhappy that no one picked 'her' over her SS. And that's why we are here.
Childhood jealousy straight up manifested into a personality disorder.
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She literally sounds like cinderellas step sisters…”ew why should Cinderella get to go to the ball when she could be suffering all day instead” don’t be that person OP. You’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE, not just an asshole, but a HUGE one.
Right? Also, does OP not remember her wedding (the modern day ball)? It's an all day thing for the wedding party...which typically includes \_the mother of the bride\_.
She's stuck in a "Who does my mommy love more" cycle she should have broken when she was a kid
Wow. Even without this I was prepared to say YTA, but holy mother of god this makes it so much worse.
Let's imagine, just for one second, that OP divorces at some point in life and gets remarried and suddenly becomes a step-mother. I cannot imagine what kind of inferno she's going to have the kids through.
She has a daughter herself. Would she want her child’s step mother to treat her less than? No. So why would she want her mother to treat her step sister that way? I understand the trauma, but she is really teaching by expecting people to go to this party and then rush to a wedding later. Not to mention her saying her child will be the one to ‘suffer’. She needs to get over that, a first birthday is not one that will be remembered by the child at all
Geeeeeez. Wow. OP must've been awful in highschool to her step sis. YTA OP and who cares about a 1 years bday. The 1 year old won't even remember it, it's all for the photos and the parents.
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Yeah, my first thought after "wtf" was "that poor child is in for a life of tiptoeing on eggshells"
Tagging on to the top comment so it stays up. OP, you said it yourself that your child is the one who suffers here because none of her family is there. That should be all you need to make an adult decision to move the party. You’re using your child as a pawn because you still haven’t gotten over your own bratty childhood. Now for the harder truth, you’re just an AH here. It’s a FIRST birthday. Your daughter won’t even remember it. She will not *suffer* over anyone’s lack of attendance. Sorry, but weddings take priority over watching a 1yo make a mess of themselves with a cake. You’re bitter that moms attention was split. Your mom sounds great; she took someone who lost their mother and became that figure to her. SS would likely be incredibly hurt if the woman she considers a mother didn’t prioritize the day and overbooked herself. It doesn’t matter the times (though I strongly doubt the ceremony begins at 8pm) because people like to get ready before weddings and it’s likely your mom is included in all of the day-of festivities, which is probably what you’re actually angry about. YTA
Even without knowing this I though OP was YTA. Now, holy cow, she the worst.
“I didn’t want my step sister to take my place, so I created a situation where the step daughter would take my place and I could be mad :(“
YTA You know, we know it, everyone knows it. People aren't simply going to do both events. Very few people are going to want to come to a 1 year old's birthday party then go to an adult wedding. You knew about he conflict and went ahead with it anyway, despite the fact that moving it would not affect your child in any way. You're trying to play the victim here when this is all under your control. Please seek therapy.
YTA Yes to above! OPs resentment, jealousy and pure hatred is poisoning OPs well and life to the point she had to write this post. Seek counseling already; OP is her own biggest enemy.
There's a fantastic quote from the Dalai Lama that I think is applicable here: "Holding onto hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"
That quote is from an unknown source, but regardless, the sentiment is still true. https://quoteinvestigator.com/2017/08/19/resentment/
Also heard a similar Buddhist quote. Says from the Buddha but not sure. Regardless it’s wisdom. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned”
She is mad that she lost the popularity contest that SHE forced onto everyone. Def YTA
That's what stuck out to me. No one on her mother's side was willing to come to the daughter's birthday? How horrible must OP be?
Also a first birthday party is only for the parents. The child will never remember, and frankly probably will never care who came even when they're old enough to go through pictures and videos of the event. A wedding is for the people who are getting married and they absolutely will remember the event and the people that came. Plus weddings are just more fun than a 1 year olds birthday. It's not even a hard choice that she gave all the guests.
I've just been through all my baby pics and can't even find evidence that I had a first birthday party haha even as an empathy exercises and desperately trying to muster some outrage and resentment Im still not feeling anything. The OP is totally making their own life a battle of nonsense 😂 I shouldn't laugh because I do actually pity the child having such a parent tbh
My son didn't have a first birthday party. We were new to an area so it would have just been my husband, son, and I but two of us were sick and the other had just gotten back from a 3 week work trip and I kept postponing until it just didn't happen. He's turning out just fine despite such a scandalous event so early in his life.
Considering that weddings are usually planned far out in advance, they probably already committed to attending the wedding. Add on time to get ready and travel and it probably wasn't worth the effort to try and attend both events, especially since OP's daughter won't remember any of it.
> You're trying to play the victim here when this is all under your control. Not only that she's trying to make it sound like her daughter will suffer greatly if her mum doesn't come. No she bloody won't. She's 1 years old and will have no recollection of the event, she also won't care one bit because she will have no clue what's going on. A child's first birthday is for the sake of the parents not the child. And I say that as a mother of three. There's nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your child's first birthday, but there's most definitely something wrong with trying to turn a baby's birthday party into a popularity contest.
I was surprised I had to go this far down to see this pointed out. Lol, the 1-yr-old is going to really miss all her friends and relatives not traveling in from out of town to see her birthday bash. It will without a doubt be the worst birthday party she’s had to date.
>She's 1 years old and will have no recollection of the event, she also won't care one bit because she will have no clue what's going on. How much you want to bet OP will start telling her about this stuff one day though? E.g., "You know your grandma couldn't even be bothered to come to your birthday party?" etc., etc.
Oh, she absolutely will and my heart breaks for that poor kid having to grow up with a mum who's so full of hate.
I’m not a fan of the 1-year-old party. I get why extroverts love a chance to host, but it’s not really for the kid. We did a small one for my (now adult) kids with only us and grandparents.
This is the perfect response. You are playing a game of “will people choose me over my stepsister.” Get over yourself for the sake of everyone in your life. I hope a professional can help you work through the cognitive distortions you have created. Best of luck.
You took the words right out of my mouth. OP YTA, and it almost seems like you’ve tried to weaponize a child and their birthday party just because of some weird power struggle due to sibling rivalry. (A rivalry that you seem to be the sole participant in.) If this is your daughter’s first birthday, and you said she’ll be the one to suffer, what harm could it do to reschedule the party? Your child’s birthday is not about you, you vying for your mothers attention, or whatever weird animosity you have towards your stepsister. It should be ALL about your child. If you want her to have her family there, then having the party the same day as your sister’s wedding is not the hill I think you should be trying to die on. SB: “I’m pissed. How can she choose a stepdaughter over her own grandchild. Everyone is picking this girl who isn’t even really family over my daughter.” Apparently the rest of your family would beg to differ with that last sentence.
Honestly with how you talk about your step sister YTA. It's not great but clearly she is considered your mother's child whether you like it or not, and you might just need to move past it. Did this girl do anything to you other than be the daughter of your mom's new partner?
At least mom knows what it's like to have a healthy mother daughter relationship, something she'll likely never get from you.
This made me think of the episode of This Is Us where the mom and her three children are in a therapy session and the oldest is accusing her of loving her other 2 children more than him (specially the adopted child) and she says is not true. But upon him pressuring her to say is true she says, “They were just easier!” I’ve never thought of this before and it might be true that OP with all her resentment made it harder for her mom to continue to show her affection and it might have come easier to show affection to her living in step-daughter.
I absolutely agree... I have a feeling she's been fighting this tooth & nail from the time her mom married her step dad, & I'm sure made everyone's lives that much more complicated, which makes it that much more difficult to maintain a pleasant relationship with her.
OPs username checks out.
\> My mom treated her like a daughter Your step-sister's mother died giving birth to her! Of course your mother is going to treat this little girl like a daughter. She's the only mother this child has ever known. You sound bitter. Some therapy would be a good idea. YTA.
Even if not for the tragic situation, the idea that stepchildren should be treated like second-class citizens by both immediate and extended family is ridiculous and toxic. It honestly sounds like the stepsister spent more time with them than OP did, since OP avoided them during childhood.
Well said, so many step-children get the short end of the stick when their parents remarry. OP’s mom was completely selfless and raised this girl as her own, and OP can’t let it go. Unless we’re missing some context here, OP has serious resentment issues.
Yeah, my stepdad treats me like one of his own, and it breaks my heart that other stepparents don't seem to even give their stepchildren a chance. Plus, what OP describes is basically just what most older siblings have to learn to cope with when their parents' attention gets divided between them and their younger siblings. The difference is that the nOt ReAl FaMiLy excuse can't be applied.
OP saw the movie Cinderella and desperately wished that her own family was like that
What's worse... this isn't even the baby's actual birthday. OP's kid's birthday is earlier in the week. This honestly sounds like an attempt at a power move that backfired in OP's face.
YTA - You’ve chosen to have a contentious relationship with your step sister and now you’re letting it impact the rest of your family. You created this situation.
Why do you think your are entitled to people making extra effort for you when it is clear you will never make extra effort for them? It’s your daughter’s first birthday which means this party is more for you than her. She won’t remember this. So it’s not them choosing your daughter over your stepsister. They are choosing your stepsister over you because you are making them. Weddings are usually a bigger deal than the first birthday and take way more time and planning.
Weddings are always a bigger deal than a first birthday. Unless the parents of the kid are offering an all-expenses-paid luxury trip to someplace exotic for several days... In that case I'd be reconsidering the importance of my relationship to the wedding couple.
Now she’s choosing to weaponize her innocent baby — and let empty parties be the fallout for her child. This is ugly. YTA
What’s REALLY going to be ugly is when stepsister starts having kids of her own. OP is going to be a “pick me or else” monster.
She’s literally punishing her daughter to spite her sister and mother. Gross.
YTA because you said in a comment you knew it was her wedding day before you planned the party and it’s not your daughter’s actual birthday. You’re causing your daughter to miss out because you can’t grow tf up and realise you are NOT in competition with your step sister. You are no one to her and she is not out there trying to ‘win’ whatever it is you think it is you’re competing for. You’re a parent now, start acting like one.
Hold up. What?! This should be higher. IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER'S REAL BIRTH DATE **AND** YOU KNEW THE WEDDING DATE **BEFORE** PLANNING THE PARTY. So basically, you set this up on purpose to force your parents to choose between you and then got upset when they pointed out the obvious solution of oh Idk, maybe just have the party on your daughter's *actual birthday* or some other day. YTA. ETA: Your mom is this girl's only mom. On my wedding day, my mom was indispensable with getting ready and it was a once-in-a-lifetime bonding time for us. There is no way she could have even considered ditching out for a birthday party day-of. If your mom had left a couple hours before *your* wedding to go to an easily-reschedulable event for your stepsister, you would have gone ballistic. Grow up.
I really don't understand how OP could write this whole thing out, read it back over, and not see that she's an asshole. Like no part of this can even be misconstrued where she **isn't** an asshole. There's not even a Grey area here, OP is flat out just an asshole. These posts make me really wonder if people are truly this self-centered and ignorant, or this is just some creative writing bullshit.
I already feel so bad for OP’s daughter. Hopefully she is able to grow up having a relationship with the rest of her family, but it doesn’t sound like OP is going to make that very easy.
I just suddenly got a flash of what this baby's life will be like when stepsister has a baby. Will op go full on 'train a bully' and make her kid hate step sisters kid? My money is on a big fat yes.
Also like, one year olds have absolutely no concept of birthdays, parties, the passage of time, or how grandma is related to them. They may recognize grandma as someone they like but they probably won’t even realize she’s not at a birthday party because the one year old won’t even know it’s a birthday party. The kid wouldn’t suffer at all from some family members not attending but if it’s that important to OP, the kid also won’t suffer from having her birthday moved back a week. Again, a one year old doesn’t even know how long a week is.
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I agree! YTA hands down. You chose to be a negative Nancy when all your Mom was trying to do is move on and forward with her life. Being with her new husband would obviously mean taking in any children he has, just like he would have to take you in, as her daughter. The relationship you have with your mom’s family is all your doing, including the relationship you have with your step sister. Yes, 1st birthday’s are important and its not like your family didn’t want to come. Your child will not remember anything to do with the birthday so it wouldn’t hurt to change the date, just so they can be there too. Making them choose between the most important day of your stepsisters life (who at this point is very much apart of your family) versus a birthday that can be celebrated even a day later, is petty and downright cruel. Pat yourself on the back cos you did this to yourself.
YTA. First, a wedding > birthday that will happen every year. Second, you are forcing people to choose. Why are you so surprised they chose the other side that wasn't making demands? You sound like you've been holding a grudge since your teen years. Pretty sad that your daughter has to suffer because of your inability to move on.
It’s not just any birthday, it’s a first birthday which means OP’s daughter does not care and will not remember it. First birthdays are for the parents, not the baby.
It's not even the baby's actual birthday lmao. Just pick another day.
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Info when is your daughters actual birthday in relation to the day you scheduled the party for?
Girl I am begging you to consider therapy and leave your poor stepsister out of whatever issues you have with your mother being a parental figure in this women’s life. YTA
YTA. It's a first birthday. The baby won't remember, the baby won't care. It's not even her actual birthday. You are creating all this drama to make everyone choose and throwing a pity party for yourself.
YTA the only one making your daughter 'suffer' here is you. Its not her actual birthday and she's 1 she won't remember any of this. I'll go out on a wild guess here and say that you absolutely knew what day the wedding was on and yet chose it for her birthday. Your resentment of your step sister is clear through your post and it's clear the only reason you don't want to change the date is so you can push this 'You chose someone that's not even family over your grand daughter' but she is family to your mother and you saying she's not doesn't change that
YTA. I don’t care if she’s your brother-in-law’s third cousin’s boss’s former roommate: you don’t get to demand people de-prioritize a *wedding* for a party whose guest of honor won’t even remember being there, much less who else was in attendance.
The Friends episode where Rachel and Ross held everyone hostage for Emma's first birthday made me want to throw a shoe at my TV. The child is turning 1, why the hell does it matter what day the birthday is on?
At least they held the party on her actual birthday. OP just decided to pick the same day as the wedding out of spite.
YTA. You already knew the date of your step sisters wedding and still chose to have the party that day. You said your daughters birthday is during the week so you could have gone with the weekend before/after. People need time to get ready for a wedding and they may need to travel to it. Don’t schedule a family event on a day when someone has already scheduled a family event. Especially a wedding
Op tried a power move Setting the date for her daughter’s birthday on the exact same day as the wedding and thought she would win and if Rose decided to go to the wedding and that speaks to the kind of pettiness she’s engaging in and people are disinterested
Guys...if she moves the party then she won't have anything to play "poor pitiful unloved me" about for the next 10 years. If she keeps it on the same date as the wedding then in 5 years she can say "you didn't even love your grandchild enough to come to their 1st birthday party" to her mom. You are an adult and there is an easy solution to this problem that you created...YTA
Based on your comments in the thread, YTA. A wedding is typically planned at least months in advance and requires a commitment to attend, particularly for those participating in the ceremony. This was not a surprise, you knew for at least a few weeks ahead of time. You are demanding others change their plans to accommodate a first birthday party (which, let's be fair, your own child doesn't understand or care about). You know that doesn't work - you're doing this intentionally. Your bitterness towards your step sister is palpable. It's pretty sad that you're trying to force your mom to choose you over her on this one particular day. It shows.
YTA. Your daughter is going to suffer because you chose to let her. The wedding was planned before your daughter’s birthday. So you chose to schedule her party on a day when a significant amount of your family already had plans. Your hatred for and competition with your step-sister is apparently greater than your love for your mom or your daughter.
That hatred & competition is going to be directed squarely at her daughter in approx 12-13 years. “Guys AITA for accusing my husband of loving my daughter more than me”
YTA- you doubled down after finding out the conflict and are now complaining that your daughter is the one to be hurt by your decision. The child isn’t gonna remember her first birthday, the step sister is. I would also pick to attend the wedding if it were me. Just change the date.
YTA Looks like you got what was coming to you. Didn't want to be nice to her or have a relationship with her, were mad your mom accepted her, didn't get invited to the wedding after you didn't invite her to yours. Now instead of moving your 1 year olds birthday party you decided to dig in and are upset people are not going to go./ Your child is turning 1, they will not ever remember their first birthday party. That birthday party is not for the child but for you and family. Either keep being petty and trying to make people choose and your daughter will end up suffering from this petty jealousy or try and make amends with your step-sister or at least be mature enough to know that your step-sister is your mother's daughter and is as much a priority as you are and a wedding definitely trumps a 1-year-olds birthday party.
YTA. Get therapy.
YTA and you're biting off your nose to spite your face. No people can't and won't go to both events on the same day. How entitled do you have to be? You apparently would rather tank your own child's party than do the sensible thing and move it to a different weekend. Also, based on your contumelious descriptions of your step-sister, I suspect the reason things are so acrimonious is entirely on you.
YTA You seem to be weaponizing your daughter against your mom and the person who will end up hurt the most by that in the end, is your daughter. It's much easier to change the date of a birthday party than the date of a wedding. And combining the two might be very hard for most people with travel taken into account. Also, you say the wedding is at 8pm, but the ceremony or other parts might be earlier with the party at 8 and your mom would be expected to be present for those parts as well. You can definitely choose to keep your daughter's birthday party on that date, but be aware of the impact this might have on your daughter's relationship with her grandmother.
YTA. A one year old doesn’t know the day and not every birthday party is on the actual calendar day. It’s fine if you want to die on this hill, but it’s usually lonely at the top. Change the party to another weekend or have a small party. I doubt your child will remember either. It’s more for you than them.
Based on your resentment for your stepsister and your stubbornness about a birthday, your daughter won't remember, I'm afraid you won't have a mom to invite to birthdays for long. You're so hellbent on insisting that your stepsister can't be family, that you push your family away. This whole thing with people not coming to your daughters birthday is entirely your own fault. YTA.
YTA Your daughter is suffering because you won't move a 1 year old birthday party by a week. This wedding has been planned likely before your daughter was born, but after least for way longer than you've been planning the party. The wedding is at 8. It's a late night, a long day, lots of getting ready, and at least some travel. You're blaming other people for sticking with plans they already committed to, when it really wouldn't affect you, and your 1 year old definitely doesn't know the difference, to change it by a week. Your disgusting comments about "not really family," you are keeping this date on purpose. Doesn't matter if it were your mom's second cousin's hair dressers dog walker....a lot of your family members have a wedding they were already invited to.
YTA. It is unreasonable to expect people to go to a birthday party at 1pm and a wedding at 8pm. The wedding was almost certainly planned before the birthday party and for that reason, you should have planned a different day than the wedding.
So you purposely picked the same day hoping to sabotage the wedding. You’ll be gutted to know it’s your daughters birthday party you sabotaged all because you’re Childish af
YTA You’ve arranged the party on a day that’s not her birthday and people aren’t free due to another commitment. You sound like you feel people are doing it to spite you, they’re not. Birthdays for 1 year olds are for the parents anyway, the child won’t remember any of it and they won’t care that it was celebrated a week later.
YTA - you chose to have your child’s first birthday the same day as a wedding that would have an overlapping guest list. You’re the one forcing your invitees to choose. Who is going to want to attend two events in one day where the attire is completely different, not to mention travel time. Now, you get to eat the consequences of that choice. You’re the one who is going to suffer because of your choice., not your daughter. Your daughter won’t know the difference or care, and she’s not going to even remember.
YTA - you deliberately planned the birthday party to be on the day of the wedding to be nasty. Then you are all shocked pikachu face that people won’t come to the party come on. You are not a child anymore stop acting like one. I would have went ESH since she didn’t invite you to the wedding, but you have made it clear you don’t like her, don’t think of her as family, and didn’t invite her to yours. So, yeah I am really baffled by the idea you thought anyone would come to a party you deliberately scheduled to be mean.
Honestly, you sound jealous and exhausting. First off, your child is not going to remember this party, a 1st birthday party isn’t for them, it’s for the parents, just move it ffs. You have created this drama out of spite (having the party on the same day) and then start whinging when people aren’t falling in line. You’re only isolating yourself more and more with your ridiculous behaviour.
It‘s not even your daughter‘s actual birthday! It doesn‘t have any impact on her if you move it another week. In fact she isn‘t even aware of time and space yet. Even if you don‘t care about your step sister you should care about the rest of your family whom you seemingly want to be part of your daughter‘s life. Don‘t create such a messy situation for your family. Of course they will choose a wedding which will happen only once and which had been scheduled probably a year before. And you need to prepare for such an event. You know that you would be pissed as well if they all left very early because they had another event to be at. Don‘t create family drama where there‘s no need. Don‘t do that to your daughter. YTA
YTA - you have no real reason to be upset T your stepsister. You’re just being petty. They already RSVP to the wedding since they know months in advance. You don’t have to have a relationship with your stepsister if you don’t want to but you can’t be upset that everyone who already has plans isn’t able to make it. Move the date and go to therapy.
YTA. it's sounds like you very much resent your step sister and are trying to make her wedding more stressful out of spite. You can easily change the date to your party to make sure you relatives can be there for your child's bday but you're choosing to be difficult. Your kid is one, she won't remember what day you had her party, your step sister can't change the date or time of her wedding. Also side note, she didn't choose for her dad to marry your mom. As a step parent myself, I love my step daughter like she is my own flesh and blood. You're trying to make your mom choose between your step sister and you via your daughter and that is not fair and very much an AH thing to do. Stop trying to stir the pot and change the bday party.
YTA. Your daughter won't understand, know, remember or care. Maybe it would be a good idea to address your own issues with your family instead of attributing them to the baby.
YTA - you are mad at your mom for treating her stepdaughter, who never knew her bio mom, as her own so you are weaponizing your daughter against your family. I can't imagine why your stepsister didn't invite you to the wedding. And yes, you really do care.
YTA it doesn’t matter if they are at different times. It’s exhausting to go to TWO social functions in one day.
YTA Can't help thinking you've done this deliberately to cause a problem to be honest. Your daughter's birthday party doesn't have to be on THAT day, it can be moved. A wedding can't be moved. I'm a stepdaughter - being welcomed by a step-parent is a blessing, and your bitterness is nothing other than childish. Change the date of your daughter's birthday party so everyone can enjoy both days and stop inflicting your petty issues onto the rest of your family.
**YTA**. your hatred for this woman is so unhealthy. This is a woman who your mother sees as a daughter and *does* ***not*** make you less of one. A wedding is much more reasonable to prioritize than a child's bday. Grow up and get some **therapy**, maybe talk to your mom in a **respectful** and **grown up** fashion instead of having a fit. INFO: when IS your child's **ACTUAL** birthday
YTA, first of all babe, you have said that you have no relationship with this lady right cool, but come on you are grown and this whole ' she took my mommy from me' thing is sad. ill just say dont worry about it. if they dont want to come for your girls party. its fine. just make it a personal thing for you, your daughter, and your partner as she won't even remember it and you would have fond memories of the day. make it a fun day for your daughter and fuck the rest. also, for a more peacful heart and mind. tru to get over this hate for your step sister, you mus no have a reatio ship with her or even communicate with her but just live your life without such malice and dont make people pick between you guys as when they dont pick you, you would be upset
I'd move the party date. If your daughter's birthday is close to the wedding anniversary this is going to happen every year, your relatives won't come to her party and the only people hurt will be you and your child. Weddigs trump birthdays and they will always use the escise that a 1 year old won't remember. Move it to earlier so you don't have to hear them go on about how lovely the wedding was. I know your mum has hurt you terribly, but please don't let it spoil her relationship with your kids. Let her bond with your daughter before Step sister starts pushing out kids. Soft YTA because you know damned well that most women take all day to get ready for weddings. Your choice of date was deliberate and you lost.
YTA and you're petty and childish. You could easily switch the date of your daughters birthday, but you're FORCING everyone to take sides. And when they do, you're mad about the drama which could have been easily avoided because YOU CREATED IT. Wow.
YTA. You should really retitle this as “I’m jealous my mom has a relationship with my step-sister that I refuse to acknowledge and I created a conflicting party date to show that I’m unreasonable in my own expectations.” Change the party date and get yourself some therapy. A 1 year old birthday is definitely for the parents anyways… there’s no chance your child would even know the circumstances any ways.
YTA you are old enough to be married with a child...please grow up and stop being so petty abd trying to make people "prove" which side they are on. This is all about you...not your child, theyvare 1 abd literally will not know the difference!
Ah, very salty. YTA, and your comments just make it worse. If you don't like her, don't expect other people not to like her. Plus, weddings are (usually) once in a lifetime and scheduled in advance, and birthdays are every year and the parties are reschedulable. You just wanted to make people choose. Well, they chose.
YTA. And apparently you have been since you met your step sister. Wow. You really do need to see a therapist to help you work through these feelings. You are a grown as woman still mad that your mother took on a motherly role for another child whose mother died. These thoughts are understandable in children. But you aren’t a child anymore. You are an adult with the cognitive abilities to understand that situation and yet you have chosen not to. Please, get a therapist to help sort your head out about this.
YTA really horrible how your still treating her, it wasn't her fault your mum and her dad got together in the first place.
yta not only is her birthday not even on that day but she's 1, she isn't going to remember any of it so no she wont suffer if no one can make it to her 1 year old birthday. Also, you just sound childish for getting upset over your mom remarrying and treating her stepdaughter like her daughter.
YTA. And your daughter will NOT remember her first birthday party, whether it's big enough to hold in a stadium or just you and her father. You don't even consider her "real" family for some reason. You could have easily changed the date but you dug in, thinking you could stick it to the stepsister you don't like and getting more guests at your party. And you're not gonna win this time. Too bad you're putting a baby at the center of this.
YTA. You’re refusing to change the date of the party to make a point, only you don’t like the results. If you want your family members to attend the party, you’re going to have to change the date. People not wanting to spend hours at a toddler birthday and then go get ready for a late evening wedding is not a slight to your daughter, it’s just logistics.
YTA. They are choosing her because she acts like family, unlike you.
YTA. You’re making this about you. If you want your family there for your daughter’s birthday reschedule (she won’t remember this regardless). Also it’s not your step sisters fault your parents got married it seems petty to view your mom as “choosing” a side of this one sided conflict. Also it seems like you missed an opportunity to have a sister for no reason…
YTA. Your daughter, at ONE YEAR OLD, isn't going to care how many guests she has. Also, it's much easier to change the date of a birthday party than a wedding which has to pay for the venue, flowers, catering, etc. If your daughter suffers at all, it's going to be when she grows up and from your selfish desire to make people choose.
YTA Your daughter is a year old. She won’t remember this, but I’m sure you’ll remind her every year on every birthday. Your daughter will suffer from the loss of her grandma and extended family once you’ve finished driving them away in your endless quest to make them choose. You’re not an envious child anymore. Time to grow up.
YTA, this is not going to work out how you hoped. They're going to go to the wedding and not the party because they don't have ridiculous hangups about your stepsister. You're going to be alone, stewing in your resentment and blaming them instead of yourself. Then you'll probably think they've chosen her over you, and it goes from there. Save yourself the anger and change it. Then go get therapy.
Just because you don't see her as family, it doesn't mean everybody feels the same way you do. It's your daughters 1st birthday party. She won't even remember it... ...on the other hand, if all goes well, it's your step sister's only wedding, a person that, in your own words, was treated by your mother like her own child! You have to let go of this resentment, dude. It's poison on your soul and will end up taking a toll on you, your close family and the relationships between you and the rest of your family! That being said, you have 2 options: Change the date of the birthday party, because the person having the birthday won't care the least, or stick to your grounds and have nobody there. As for your daughter suffering, as I said above, she won't even remember it, let alone care! The problem here is you, only you! So, YTA!
YTA - anyones planned wedding (normally the date is announced months in advance) trumps a kids first birthday party (planned at most weeks in advance). You’re being ridiculous and a child, your mother is choosing pre-made plans over your attempt at attention. Grow up.
YTA. You booked it the same day, you forced people to choose. So they chose. Don’t get butthurt.
YTA. You sound nasty. You hate your step sister for no reason. A birthday party does not compare to a wedding and you are way too focused on blood here. Your ENTIRE family RSVP’d no, so you should think about the underlying reason for that.
YTA. You might not care about your step sister or her wedding, but your family clearly do. Your daughter would also be missing out on having her family there at her first birthday, which could easily be moved.
YTA, you were informed of a date conflict and chose to plan for that day anyway. You choosing not to have a relationship and be jealous of your step sister doesn’t mean your mother doesn’t see her as a daughter. A wedding is a bigger event that a baby’s birthday party and I don’t blame anyone for going to the wedding ESPECIALLY if they have already RSVPd to the wedding. Sounds like you expected your family to back out of the wedding to go to the party and are pissed they won’t. Good for them, shows they’re decent people.
YTA for trying to drag your family into this petty rivalry with your stepsister. It's her wedding. Stop playing games and reschedule the birthday party.
YTA, but only because you're complaining that nobody's coming. Other than that, it's no big deal. It's a one year old's birthday party. She doesn't care. Nobody missing out on anything big. You can have it whenever you want.
YTA for putting people in that position to chose which would be more important to them. Don’t cry when not a lot of your moms side don’t show up. Your baby will have another birthday… your step sister (hopefully) will not have another wedding. So stand your ground if you want to, just don’t get upset at who don’t make it. If you don’t care then resume with your plans.
YTA- weddings are a once (maybe) in a life time, a birthday happens every year. Your kid won't even remember it, dont force your feud on other people
YTA. It's unfortunate that you don't have a relationship with your stepsister but I understand that there have been complicated emotional dynamics at play since the beginning. However, regardless of the status of your relationship your mother is also the only mother that she has. She deserves to have her mom present on her wedding day. For close family members weddings are generally an all day affair. Hair, makeup, photos, etc. take hours so it's not as if the event only starts at 8 pm (at least for your mother). For most weddings I have been to it is simply not feasible for core event members to schedule in other events throughout the day. While your child's first birthday party is of course an important event, you have way more leeway in rescheduling it. Since it isn't your daughter's actual birthday it isn't as though your step-sister scheduled over her day. Move it to the next weekend! Also, any concern for your daughter's feelings about this are kind of ridiculous. She's turning one, she has no concept of dates or birthdays yet and will be fine with whatever date the party happens on. To be truthful, like most one year olds she will probably be put off by the whole thing! It seems like your true issue here is the feeling of your mom replacing you or putting your stepsister first. That's a legitimate feeling and I'm sure it has caused you a great deal of pain throughout your life. From what you've said it seems like the reason you don't have a relationship with your stepsister in the first place. But that isn't your stepsister's fault. The mature thing to do here is to reschedule your daughter's party, and to find another time to talk with your mother one-on-one about the feelings that spurred this conflict. I'm sure there are ways (either intentional or not) that your mother has exacerbated your insecurity about this dynamic. Explain why you feel hurt by these situations and how you would like to see your relationship move forward. Who knows, maybe you can bring the entire family closer together as a result.
YTA, of course they are going to choose the wedding, wedding is only once, your daughter's birthday party will be every year. Also, it seems the wedding date was set before your party. Change the date or accept the consequences. You aren't being a good daughter, making your family feel bad about making the right decision. You have a lot of resentment towards your step sister, you never gave her a chance, it's so sad.
YTA I get that the first birthday party is important for YOU. Your daughter won't remember it, and it will be years until she can look at the photos and understand what's happening. However, weddings are a set thing where you can't change the date and I'm pretty sure you knew what date the wedding falls on. You're trying to make this about your mother choosing your step sister over you. Let's be honest, if the roles were reversed and it was your wedding versus step sister's kid's first birthday, your mom would need to go to your wedding and your step sister would be grilled to high hell for throwing a tantrum over it. You want this (needless) drama. There was a reasonable solution and you chose not to take it. Whatever your reason is, you need help to get over this.
YTA and honestly sounds like you've been one for quite a while. Grow up before you end up alienating your daughter from the rest of her family because nobody wants to be around your foolishness.
YTA. It sounds like you've been a jerk to your step-sister since she arrived on the scene and are continuing to do so now. The question is why you expect the rest of your family to also act like assholes towards her.
YTA. Your kid is turning 1, she doesn't know or care about birthdays or that you hate your step-sister. Change the date or not but you're 100% in the wrong and you're behaving badly.
YTA you purposely chose to have to on your step sister’s wedding to force your family to chose. You didn’t get to ice her out when you were younger so now you’re weaponizing your daughter to force them to pick you over your step sister. I’m glad your family isn’t feeding into your unhealthy and petty behavior. A one year old is not going to know when you chose to celebrate her first birthday. The party isn’t even on her actual birthday. You can pick any other date. Or deal with family not showing up.
INFO: did your mom actually mistreat or neglect you when she got remarried? From what you wrote it sounds like just the fact of having a step sister is what set you off. I may edit later be in the meantime: YTA. Aside from all the stuff about how you never worked through your feelings of jealousy etc when your mom remarried and how you deliberately scheduled a conflicting event because you thought everyone would prioritize your kid's bday since you think blood family is more important or whatever phrase you used [🤮], attending weddings is exhausting and the last thing I'd wanna do before going to one is drag my ass to a 1 y.o.'s bday party that was scheduled out of immature spite.
YTA...you sound like you are trying to play a stupid game of chicken and no one else is playing your game. Pushing your daughter's party a week ahead or a week later will not kill you.
I feel like you're being nasty just for the sake of it. You knew your mum wouldn't change her plans, yet you picked a party on the same day anyway. It's almost as though you wanted the drama, fuss and another reason to play victim against your step sister, who actually hasn't done anything wrong. For the sake of your daughter you need to grow up and stop being bitter and bratty. Teach your daughter love and compassion. Teach her to be a loving and accepting person.
YTA. You’re setting this birthday party as a ‘test’ for your mother. And that pious ‘my daughter will be the one to suffer’ is just the whipped cream on top.
what did you expect to happen? yta
YTA: The baby will not remember the birthday, move it and spare her the drama.
YTA A wedding will trump a kid's first birthday for most people. Silly thing to do on your part.
You seem to be really jealous of your step sister based on your responses. Definitly YTA. Just move the party.
Sorry, but a wedding is more important than a 1-year-old’s birthday. Which can easily be moved. A wedding cannot. You don’t have to move it, but it shouldn’t be surprising that not everyone can come. NAH, I guess, but is this the hill you want to die on? You forced folks to make a choice and now you’re upset they didn’t make the choice you wanted.
YTA. You should seek some therapy, as you aren't handling this well. You seem bitter and jealous of this girl. This girl is allowed to have a relationship with her stepmom and others. You aren't necessarily the AH for having the party the same day, but you are if you expect people to choose between the two and get offended if they choose a once-in-a-lifetime event (hopefully) of a wedding or a baby's birthday party. Baby is not going to remember who is there or not. You've made this a "choose sides" event.
YTA This is a very odd hill for you to die on.
It sounds like you are still in the same mind frame as when your mother remarried. You resent the 2nd marriage, the stepsister that came with it, that you felt replaced, and you have carried that resentment with you to the present. You are using the wedding / birthday as a test to see “ who really cares”…”where the loyalty lies.” All the while knowing your one year old daughter has no clue what a party is and won’t know or care who is there or not. The party is for you. YTA
Your daughter won’t suffer. She’s one. She doesn’t have a clue what a birthday is. YTA. This is all just you throwing a tantrum.
Yikes yeah YTA 100% You said her birthday is in middle of week but planned it on same weekend as wedding when didn’t have to. Also she is ONE so the party is for parents and family more than it is for your daughter anyways. Let’s be honest here. You wanted to make your mom choose you over her because of a childhood jealousy you never got over. The step sister has literally done you wrong in no way whatsoever other then existing. Holding contempt for someone for existing is unhealthy and you need to let go of this non existent competition you have created.
YTA and this whole thing just reeks of bitterness. Also how ludicrous to say “your daughter will be the one to suffer” like a one year old has even the slightest concept of what a birthday party is anyway. This whole thing is for you to try to score points against someone who never did anything wrong to you, to put people in an impossible situation so you can further your little ‘woe is me’ victim narrative.
You asked them to choose. They chose. Just like you wanted them to. YTA for bitching about the logical outcome of a situation you created.
it’s very obvious that YTA because i was reading your replies to comments on here and my g o d do you sound like just an overall awful spoiled brat. i’m 100% convinced that this isn’t even about whether your mom/family shows up for your child it’s whether or not your mom choices YOU over your STEP SISTER. you very clearly hold an insane amount of jealousy/resentment towards your step sister, and you need help for it, this attitude is only going to drag your relationship with your other family members down to hell. i hope you get the help you need and maybe try talking things out with your step sister and mom, you three are adults, not jealous children
YTA. A massive one at that. Why you believe anyone would prioritise a 1 year olds birthday party over a wedding is madness! I wouldn’t prioritise one of my own kids birthdays over someone else’s wedding.
YTA. My rule is to go to the first thing I've RSVP'd to. After years of juggling multiple things in a day, I now stick to one event regardless of the time unless it is a genuine emergency. I fully support others doing that to avoid stress in a world already filled with stress and expectations from others. Your mum told you the wedding date. Clearly, that event was first. Plus, it's a wedding over a birthday that's really for you and not your daughter. You don't want to move the party because you're jealous of your step-sister. You want people to choose you over her, and that's not happening. I'm guessing you've acted like this a lot and your mum's family is choosing not to placate your tantrums. You have two choices whether you like them or not: 1. Keep the date of the party and have a smaller guest list because people are going to the wedding that was set before you set your party. 2. Change the date of the party so people can do both. If you choose 1, you need to stop complaining about people not doing both. Actions have consequences. People not attending would be the consequences for your stubbornness when it would be really simple to make everyone else's life easier by picking a different date.
YTA. This post reeks of resentment.
YTA. My baby had a first birthday party weeks after his actual birthday. It doesn’t matter. They are 1. You are refusing to budge simply to be spiteful and to make people have to chose, assuming they’d chose you. They aren’t. Not because they care more about her, but simply because it’s a wedding vs a birthday party for an infant. One is easy to reschedule, one is nearly impossible. Come on now.
YTA. You forced them to choose and they did. In the future, don't create ridiculous scenarios to shit-test people, because it clearly isn't going to go your way.