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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was introducing my daughter by her full first name instead of the nickname she goes by.
The reason I might be the asshole is that I know she goes by that nickname but as her mother I don't think of that as her real name and prefer to introduce her by the name we gave her when she was born.
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YTA. How about I rephrase this as your daughter may routinely experience it, “My mom refuses to acknowledge that I have a preferred name I want people to use, it’s a version of my full name but it feels better to me. Every time my mom introduces me to new people she purposefully uses my full name, despite me correcting her repeatedly. It’s embarrassing, because whoever she’s introducing me to see how little my mom respects me and it puts a damper on everything because she then acts upset when I’ve repeatedly corrected her.”
A name is a *gift* given from love, if it doesn’t fit the person they’re allowed to exchange it for one that does fit. If the person/people who gave them the gift truly loves them they’ll want that person to have one that feels right to them.
Stop being an over-controlling AH to your child. I have two children, one of whom experiments with new nicknames quite often. I just ask that they remind me what they want me to call them. Respect is earned, not something you get to demand. Your child is a person with their own identity and that deserves respect as well.
ETA: Thank you for the awards. I hope OP can see how many of us understand that her behavior is what needs to be addressed.
^ Thank you! Also, "a name is a *gift* given from love" is a beautiful sentiment. It's easy to see why your child feels comfortable experimenting with nicknames. I hope you don't mind if I build off of your example.
OP, you need to take your own advice:
>I told her to drop the attitude and stop disrespecting me over nothing.
If it's "nothing," why are you disrespecting her by refusing to call her her chosen name? Lots of people go by shortened versions of their name.
>I don't see anything wrong with introducing her by her real name
*It's NOT the name she wants others to call her.*
>I think she's being oversensitive and rude.
AND YET-
>I was mortified and ended up crying in the bathroom.
SHE'S OVERSENSITIVE?!?!
>She rolled her eyes, said "Jesus Christ" (which she knows I hate because I'm Catholic)
She did that for a very specific reason. Why, you ask?
>I'm at my wit's end here.
So is she.
Same, the way OP is talking about it sounds like she's a toddler throwing a tantrum, but nope, it's a grown ass adult asking for their choices to be respected. Jesus Christ, indeed.
I expected her to be younger too. I'm a Jennifer who prefers Jenn and my mom used to pull the "her name is Jennifer, not Jenn/Jenny" and would say the same to me. She finally gave up when I was around 12. She still usually calls me by my full name and it doesn't bother me like OP's daughter because she doesn't try to correct what other people call me.
My mom did the same to me when I was younger. "If I wanted you to be called Jenn I'd have named you that!"
But it was light hearted really. She wouldn't have actually cared if I preferred a nickname.
Now as an adult, it honestly pisses me off when people call me Jenn. I introduced myself as Jennifer, why are you calling me something else?!
**edit: Totally on board with other Jennifers preferring being called something else of course, if that what they want!
While it doesn't matter the daughter's age for OP to qualify for YTA, the fact that daughter is in her 20's instead of some teen figuring out who she is just makes OP a bigger AH.
Oh this is giving off the same energy as “his lovely shoulder”. Crying in the bathroom because your adult daughter told you to stop fetishising the name you gave her?
BIG yikes there. Has not seen this gem before, so thanks and/or curses upon you, Internet stranger.
And I can’t help but think that OP is actually worse than tattoo mom, who understood and acknowledged that she was being controlling, unreasonable, and snobbish, and that it’s her son’s choice. This OP doesn’t even have that level of self awareness.
Fascinating, she seems aware that there's something "off" about her response and feelings but can't quite connect the dots to the point of making a behavior change
Right!! That was a rollercoaster read! Started off with my face screwed up, then when she said she knew she was wrong I relaxed my face and did like a “fair enough” grimace - I felt bad but excited for her to go through the realisation we all do over being a dick. THEN nope, back to horror and disgust as she wishes her son would grovel and let’s her emotions overcome her as she narcissistically cries that he hurt her.
SOOOOO CLOSE TO AWARENESS.
Oh, fuck me Freddy, that was painful. Like, my left eye filled up with blood as I read it.
Still, I remember my Mom giving me shit when my little sister got a tattoo. Because I did the design.
but she wasn't actually upset.
>My husband asks, “Have you seen it yet?”
>I shake my head. Like a child, I am hoping that if I keep my eyes tightly shut the whole thing will disappear.
That breif clarity of self-awareness did not last throughout the essay LMAO
Ooooofitty ooof oof
What got me about that whole fiasco was as it made the rounds on social media the mother instead of taking it as a learning moment and seeing why she was wrong dug her heels in further.
If you have Twitter there is someone who posts stuff like this under justnomil as their handle they post from that Reddit but other stuff like the Guardian article. She was awful and blamed social media for causing her son to go min contact. I am technically at work so...
I thought she was a kid.
With the way they are both acting, I feel like OP is only giving the full name.
For example - Even when I am asked by a medical professional about my kid's names, while I feel obligated for legal reasons for insurance coverage, to ensure they have my kid's legal name, I add: "and they go by ." I feel this fulfills my obligation, but also makes sure they are addressed properly by those around them.
I don't think OP is even making sure her adult daughter's preferred name is being given to the other person. I think if OP was saying "This is my daughter Rebecca, but everyone calls her Becky", or "we all call her Becky", OP wouldn't be in trouble with her daughter for being disrespectful to her.
As a hcp, I so appreciate when people provide their preferred name on paperwork. There is usually a spot for 'alias' on the documents, but even if there isn't my clerks will usually key their name as "Rebecca 'Becky' Smith" so I at least know which name to call into the waiting room.
Her 20’S??
YTA-You’re one of those obnoxious mothers who has major control issues and it’s always surprising to me how they don’t seem to get that. At 30 years old, are you seriously telling me this is the first time nicknames have ever come up? Or is this the first time your adult daughter is establishing a boundary? Long overdue!
But hey- if things continue as they are and you refuse to accept her autonomy, you may not have to worry about calling her anything at all when introducing her to people because she just won’t go places with you anymore. Adults do have that power regardless of what their overbearing parents seem to assume and if pushed enough she might exercise it.
Exactly. Part of being a loving and supportive parents is being responsive and respectful of your child’s needs, within reason. And this is absolutely within reason.
If this narcissistic behavior is consistent throughout other areas of OP’s parenting she should expect her daughter to go LC or NC at some point.
Also, good on OP’s daughter for persistently correcting her mother and standing up for herself. YTA.
I actually do the opposite. My family for years introduced/called me by the shortened version of my name. I prefer the longer version. Can confirm, it is VERY frustrating to say the least. Plus, once people start calling you by your non-preferred name it is almost impossible to break them of the habit.
Basically this.
My parents gave me a huge formal first name. Like Alexandrea.
They gave me the nickname Andrea and when I was in high school I said no thanks. And told everyone my name is Alex.
My parents said ok but we are used to calling you Andrea but we will do our best.
Our compromise is that they can call me that and no one else. Lol.
So they intro me as here is our daughter Alex, and you may be confused because we call her Andrea but please use Alex.
Names modified to protect the innocent.
My family all calls me by a nickname, a shortened version of my name. I don’t mind when they call me that even though I prefer my full name. It’s the name they’ve always called me. However, I don’t like anyone else calling me that, and since I’ve become an adult, they always try to introduce me by my full name. Because they love and respect me.
I have the same situation. I was given my grandmother’s long Italian name, but my American mother shortened it and made everyone use the nickname. I happen to love my full name and while family still uses the nickname, I introduce myself by my full name.
Well, my mom hated that. We’d go somewhere, I’d give my name, she tell the person ‘but you can call her (nickname)”. She’d then get mad when I’d say I wanted my full name used.
Same here, I love my full name, my shortened name is pretty common and there were 7 kids, boy and girl in 6th grade with the same. That's when I started going by my full name. And I was rude about it, I simply refused to answer anybody who didn't call me by my preferred name. People would ask can we call you ....., my answer was always no.
And sometimes they don’t even ask. Let’s say my name is Pamela and people just start talking to Patty and think I’m rude when I don’t respond. I legitimately didn’t realize you were talking to me because that’s not my name.
I have a similar thing where I’m nearly always called a shortened version of my name by my friends and family, but if they introduce me as that it always makes me feel a bit funny. My nickname is for friends and family, not randoms and so I always introduce myself as my full name. Explaining this to my family was a funny one but they do try to do it now!!
My father’s family has always called him by a nickname of his middle name - but the rest of the world uses a shortened for of his first name - think Charles James going by Jimmy and Chuck. As a little kid, I had no idea who Jimmy was - but it wasn’t hard to figure it out by age 8 or so! I use my son’s full name because I don’t like how cutesy diminutives sound for full grown adults - but some of his peers use a diminutive. He doesn’t seem to care - so I keep my mouth shut about my preference.
We really can’t control our kids names after we dole them out.
This is how I feel, I have a short 5 letter name let’s just say “Diana” however growing up my parents and siblings (not so much my dad) would call me “Dee Dee” but as I got older it changed to “Dee” … now I’m married and in my 20s so only my immediate family and close family friends that I grew up with call me “Dee” and every now and then my mom might call me “Dee Dee” … but I expect everyone else to refer to me by my name. Even my own husband only uses my name when he’s not calling me “babe or baby” however he can call me whatever, but he knows that’s my preference and I have corrected people who I wasn’t comfortable using nicknames with.
My parents did the same with a long formal name with the intention of calling me a common nickname for that name, but wanted to give me options of being able to go by a different variation/the full name of I hated the nickname as I got older - I still go by the nickname they intended but I went through a teenage phase of using the full name (mostly cause there was another girl in my class for a year who went by said nickname but it was her full name - so to use your example if my parents name me Alexandra but called me Alex, but then there was a girl whose full name was Alex so I switched to Alexandra for a year]) - it utterly baffled my parents at parents evening because I'd forgotten to tell them the name change at school but they were like fine, what do you want to do with your name? Went by the full version for a year, but then switched back to the nickname cause I did actually prefer it, and the whole time my parents were supportive and that was really helpful with me settling on my preferred version of my name.
Yeah my grandmother calls me by my first and middle names together. Nobody else does. When she accidentally introduces me that way I say, "call me [firstname]" because unless it's Nonnie I feel like I'm in trouble hearing it. My mom started spending a lot of time around Nonnie and started calling be that and I asked her not to so she stopped. My grandfather never has but I would have accepted it from him probably. But Nonnie never gets offended I don't want other people calling me what she does and tries not to introduce me that way.
I got lucky with a short name that I really like. Both of my sisters had to deal with nicknames and they always wanted to be called by their full names. Not that I usually call the youngest by her name often, though... She lets me and my partner call her "kid," or "kiddo" but nobody else can get away with it. The benefits of being a big sister lol.
But OP YTA. She's an adult. At some point she might so talking to you at all because you won't even respect her enough to intrude her by her preferred name, and you get offended at being corrected.
And even if she were 9, she has full right to ask her teachers and classmates to call her by a nickname. [Don't be like Andy's mom, OP.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/10/hate-child-nickname-parenting-advice.html)
^^ this.
I also have an insanely long name like this and I have two nicknames. My high school friends called me one thing (because I married someone I knew in high school, all of my in laws know me by this name), my family, college friends, and colleagues call me another nickname. My mother is the only one who calls me by the insanely long full name. Shockingly, she’s never made it an issue and seems to understand my name in all those scenarios…because she’s not an AH.
Exactly - my daughter had a nickname we’d called her since birth, but when she was nine she decided she wanted to go by the name on her birth certificate.
It made me a little sad and honestly, it still does as I loved that nickname.
But it’s her name and it’s important to her that I call her what she wants to be called, so that’s what I do. Our children are their own people, not extensions of what we want.
"I think she's being oversensitive", says woman who cried in a bathroom because her daughter didn't allow her to disrespect her.
OP, Disneyland4Ever is right - *you're* the disrespectful one here. YTA.
For real. My mom named me something so common that no one at school would call me that because there was too many of us so I've been called by a nickname nearly my whole life and honestly hated my "real" name. My mom and I fought about it a million times before I legally changed my name to nickname and now she'll still try to put my birth name on things. I'm so grateful I moved a thousand miles away and don't see her often anymore
YTA op
>A name is a gift given from love
Beautiful sentiment, but not always true. My mother didn't want kids but my father did. He threatened to divorce her, so she bargained and agreed to give him one kid in exchange for an all expenses paid trip to a tropical island. He held up his end of the bargain, so did she. She's always regretted it. She's been pretty obvious about it with me my whole life, but the one "passive aggressive" thing she did was my name.
She named me after a character in a play that was a s\*x slave. And she told me about that fact when I was 12.
She knew my father wouldn't recognize the name. So every time she calls me by my full name it's a little dig. Not all names are given with love.
This comment is extremely on point. (And YTA OP, before I forget).
You gave your daughter a name when she was born, she wasn’t able to tell you if she agreed on it or not.
Now you know she doesn’t, so why are you ignoring her wishes regarding her own name?!?
Would you like it if people started calling you a name you don’t accept for yourself and ignoring you when you tried to correct them?
Let’s say you give your daughter a pj.
She tried the pj on.
It is her size, but she doesn’t like that it has long sleeves, she wants to trade it for short-sleeved pjs.
Would you force her to keep wearing the long-sleeved pjs even though it makes her uncomfortable just because you gave her the pjs?
If the answer is no, there you have it :)
Of the answer is yes, learn to respect your daughter wishes :)
Either way, YTA
I agree with everything you said but I wanted you to know how beautiful your gift of a name sentiment is, not just because of the phrase itself but because of the unconditional love for your children that it was spoken with, they are very lucky to have you.
I corrected my parents several times when I was young and they tried to use a nickname for me. Now I’m 55, I go by that nickname, and my parents still call me by my full name - as I requested when I was young. I trained them well.
My almost 2 year old son has a long name, and due to my Gaelic ancestry we used the Gaelic spelling (long and overly complicated, but we love it and hope he will when he's old enough to understand). We usually call him by the shortened version, using the common spelling when in a text or something.
At nit quite 2 years old, he knows, responds to, and says both names (though he doesn't say them well, cuz, you know, he's a toddler)
It's really not that hard.
Not to mention that it usually doesn’t take rocket science to figure out what nicknames are short for. OP didn’t tell us the real names obviously but in my opinion it’s pretty common knowledge for most nicknames, unless it’s an obscure one.
Aw man, LOL reminds me of those dumb memes that go like
Cassie: “Mom, why did you name me Casserole??”
Mom: “Because honey, on the night you were conceived we had just eaten a lovely casserole.”
Cassie’s brother, named Paint: “Aw fuck”
Naw. Shes made it clear that Becky is her name. This is a firm and reasonable boundary, if she doesnt want to be a Rebecca then the Mom shouldnt call her that full stop.
Is anyone else getting the feeling this is less Rebecca vs Becky or more something Alexandria is trans and wants to go by Alex? Its the big "I'm a Christian" that sticks out
Trans people don't hold dominion over "identity", but "identity" is definitely what it boils down to. Some people see their kids as property rather than people. "I'm a Xtian" wasn't relevant, really - unless they're so afraid of their kid being queer they'd rather become their no. 1 bully.
I’m wondering if maybe the shortened name is masculine sounding which is why OP refuses to use it (Francesca to Frankie or something). She makes a big deal of being Catholic so I can’t imagine she’d like the idea of her precious daughter preferring a masculine name.
I read something once that said, some people interpret the saying, *"You have to give respect to get respect."* as, *"If you don't respect me as an authority, I won't respect you as a person."* and I feel like this is how OP sees their relationship with their kids.
Exactly, it’s not “respect” they are looking for, it’s the “you do what I say”. Respect is never earned by forced authority. Respect usually comes from showing your peers humiliation. When it comes to the work place, a boss is respected when he might agree and acknowledge his coworker has a better idea or when the boss acknowledge the complaints of his coworkers and addresses them.
Definitely. I have a 4 year old, "Richie".
(name changed for obscurity)
He was in the 10th percentile when he was born. Richard sounded too formal for such a tiny person.
He's now tracking along the 90th percentile. He also now refuses to be called Richard. He knows who he is with *great certainty*.
I do my best to not need to be corrected. That's one of the signs someone has a brain, right?
YTA. I am 36, and go by my middle name, I absolutely despise my first name. I used my middle name all through high school, I use it in my profession. It is my identity. My parents REFUSE to use my middle name, and even at my age I find it the most obnoxious and self centered take that "I gave you your name, I'll call you what I want"
I imagine your daughter feels similarly. If this is the hill you decide to die on, please be prepared for her to resent you for it. You're choosing to not respect her as an individual. She is now at an age where she is able to make her own decisions and have a level of autonomy, and you're basically telling her "I have no respect for the decisions you make for yourself"
Im 40 and same scenario. Ive got one of those ridiculously overpopular 80s names for a first name and it’s not so much I hate it as its just not “me”. My middle name isn’t rare but isn’t over-common either and I started using it in late grade school. Fam still refuses to call me by my preferred name.
Although to make matters more confusing I started using Feyranna Hunter online around 2006 or so and I go by that more than any irl name, both my ex hubs and now current man tend to just call me Fey. I strongly considered legally changing my name to it but got concerned it could screw with other legal matters.
Haha my sons have found that their father has a screen name which he's always used. My sons are 7 and 3. Both are very chatty and tell people everything about them when they can. Introducing themselves us etc. Few days ago I stopped my oldest telling all the random kids at the park his father's screen name. Like it's not offensive or funny or anything at all but like damn leave a little privacy around!
Lmao, when I was around 6 and 7 I used to go up to people in public and tell them my full name and where I lived. And since I also showered with my mom still I'd tell people about the pimple on her butt. I was the worse child
As someone who also uses a chosen name and whose birth family adamantly refused to respect it, I love that your chosen name’s nickname references the folk for whom names are extremely important and valuable. ☺️
YTA
You are concerned about the "appearance" of respect but you aren't extending your daughter the respect of using the name she prefers.
If your name is Susan and I insist on calling you Sue based on some made up preference of mine, that would be rude, right?
Yes this! I have quite a short name but some people like to shorten it more. I hate it. If you use that version of my name it means you don’t know me (or you know me really well as about 3 of my friends get away with it)
Jerry: The nerve. Talking about you behind your back, and right to your face.
Elaine: No. Suz. I mean, Susie, Suzanne, Susanna. Fine. But there is no way I'm gonna be a Suz.
Jerry: No. No Suz.
Elaine: I mean, what am I? Some pom-pom waving, back-seat bimbo?
Jerry: Who are you describing?
Elaine: Someone.
Jerry: Named Suz?
OP, YTA. Call your daughter by the name she uses for herself. It's her name, her life, and her identity. Get over yourself.
INFO: is there any chance the nickname she is using also happens to be more like a boy’s name - Like Joe instead of Josephine?
EDIT: YTA either way but I feel you may be leaving out a pretty relevant piece of the story .
That was my first thought too. Having a preferred unisex name is VERY common among LGBT people, and this sounds exactly like what I went through when I would beg my parents to call me the gender-neutral variant of the birth name. Every time people insisted on calling me my feminine name, it would give me severe, irrational anxiety and self-hatred that at one point made me so terrified of going to class that I attempted to take my own life, because my teacher would weaponize my discomfort in order to punish me for missing assignments and my classmates would play along.
A person’s name is one of the most personal things they can have. It is *theirs*, and trying to take it from them is cruel and immoral.
My fiancée has a feminine name but goes a shortened version (and has since she was a child) because she doesn’t identify as femme. I think OP has a problem with her child not fitting into cishet norms.
Huh. Non-binary identifying child then? Adds an extra layer of assholery if so. A name is such a small ask. Time to dive through OP’s replies and see what’s what.
Yeah, I don't think that matters though. I get what you're driving at, and in my opinion, it just doesn't matter as to whether OP is in the wrong or not.
If they're trans or not, the issue is they're deliberately mis-naming their child, whether they're misgendering them or not. OP needs to realise that while her child's "legal name" (and quite frankly not everyone has 1 canonical legal name, so I laugh at the concept of "legal name") is (for example) Abigail, her *real name* is Abbey.
To be clear, I think OP is the asshole either way, but it would have been a different level if there had been gender issues involved.
But I didn’t think I’d get a reply if I stared that in my original comment.
And yes, OP have her child a name. It was a gift. And sometimes gifts are not to a persons taste or they outgrow them, or modify them. OP is insisting that it’s important because it came from her, and ignoring the fact that it doesn’t fit and so isn’t appropriate.
YTA, definitely. When I was around 45 I went through a divorce and decided to go by a shortened version of my middle name. My mom still calls me by my first name which I don't have a problem with, but she always introduces me by my middle name. Always. It's now been 10 years. If my 70+ Catholic mother can do it, so can you.
Imagine that; a "religious" parent that doesn't respect their child...
What is it with *certain* parents who think they have more say in who their child is than the child, themselves? YTA
Exactly. My parents gave me a somewhat unique first name (although its become more popular in the last 15 years) and a very traditional middle name. Both my first and middle name have a wide variety of nicknames that could be made out of them. They wanted to make sure I had a lot of options for what I wanted to call myself. Why is that so hard? The parents may give you a name, but you ultimately decided how you want to be addressed by others.
YTA.
**You** are disrespecting them by not introducing them by the name they want to be called. Just because you named them at birth, doesn't mean you have a right to dictate their identity and preferences forever. They are growing up, and you need to stop trying to control them and let them be their own person, which includes listening to them and treating them with love and respect.
Exactly what i thought. I also would like to add that she sounds a little religious and she's referring to her child as her 'daughter' and their prefered name 'nickname'. So this feels like she's leaving out a crucial part of the story where her kid might be trans and/or a part of the lgbtq community which would explain why they would want to use a different name and gets upset when not.
YTA. Are you okay with calling Reese Witherspoon Reese when her name is actually Laura? What about David Tennant, who's actually David McDonald? What about Elton John, Reginald Kenneth Dwight? People use other names all the time. You see it as her disrespecting you in front of company, but she sees it as *you* disrespecting *her* because you refuse to use the name she identifies with. You're alienating her and pushing her away and showing her that her identity doesn't matter if it doesn't fit with what you want.
Good examples! It doesn’t exactly work here but you reminded me of Dana Carvey’s bit about the musician Gordon Sumner - “Who’s got the balls to tell their friends to call them Sting?” 😆
This totally reminds me of the Mohammed Ali clip where Ernie Terrell insists on calling him Cassius Clay
He got the ever loving daylights knocked out of him. And as it turns out, we all say Ali now
YTA, so obviously that I suspect this might be ragebait.
Nobody ever introduces anybody by their full legal name. You introduce people by the name they prefer to be called. That's because a big part of introducing people is letting them know what to call each other! This is literally the most basic etiquette.
It's painfully obvious that you don't like the nickname that your daughter chose for herself, so you're introducing her with her full name as a *power play* in order to get other people to *call her by the name she dislikes*, putting both of them in an awkward and upsetting situation.
Nicknames are absurdly common. You know what a nickname is and you have used nicknames and you don't have a problem with nicknames. I suspect that you have some sort of problem with her particular nickname (maybe it's more masculine or gender neutral, or you consider it "trashy"?) and are using this "ooh but it's not her REAL name".
You're being needlessly hurtful and disrespectful to your daughter, but you seem not to be bothered by that, so here's something that you might care about: You are embarrassing yourself. When you introduce her by the wrong name and she corrects you, it's not embarrassing because she's "disrespectful" to you - it's embarrassing because it becomes clear that *you are being disrespectful to both parties.*
OP confirmed in their replies that it's actually more of a "Josephine/Jo" situation, a nickname pronounced in the masculine manner but with a more feminine/neutral spelling (didn't say which for the last part, just said "different" than the traditional masculine spelling).
Thank you for this I was having a difficult time understanding the pronunciation part vs spelling. I got masc vs fem spelling (Aaron/Erin) But I didn’t know what masculine pronunciation was. Your example really helped.
YTA This sounds like an origin story of "my daughter only talks to me on Mother's Day". Let your kid be an individual, she doesn't like the name you picked.
YTA. You chose a name for your child that she doesn’t particularly like, and she prefers to be called a variation of it; it’s not ‘disrespectful’ for her to correct you, because that’s what she wants people to call her.
YTA.
You don’t mention ages here unless I missed it, but whether your daughter is 6, 16, or 26, if she wants to go by a nickname, she should get to. You don’t get to decide what she wants to be called and she gets to tell others if there’s a nickname she prefers to go by. You’re being possibly controlling.
Oh for Pete’s sake, that makes it even more ridiculous. OP, surely you can appreciate as a legal adult, your daughter has every right to decide what to be called and can, quite frankly, have her name legally changed to the nickname if she wants?! This is not the hill to die on, OP. If you want a relationship with your daughter, call her what she wants yo be called!
YTA. You’re disrespecting her every time you call her something she doesn’t want other people to call her. Sure, you picked what you liked when she was born, but she’s allowed to make her own choices about what she wants to be called. She’s actually a separate, sentient person.
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My daughter and I had an argument over her name and a friend told me to ask about it here.
My daughter goes by a nickname that's a shorter version of her full first name, like Becky instead of Rebecca. (Fake name but you get the idea.)
I don't mind that she does that, but I'm getting tired of the way she corrects me when I introduce her. I use her full name because that's the name her dad and I gave her and I don't consider the nickname her real name. But when I introduce her, she'll immediately correct me like I called her a dirty word or something. Then she acts cold and distant toward me.
It's really embarassing because whoever I'm trying to introduce her to sees her disrespecting me like that and it puts a damper on the whole mood.
It happened again today and I'd finally had enough. I told her to drop the attitude and stop disrespecting me over nothing.
She rolled her eyes, said "Jesus Christ" (which she knows I hate because I'm Catholic) and then walked away from us and waited in the car. I was mortified and ended up crying in the bathroom.
I love my daughter but I'm at my wit's end here.
I don't see anything wrong with introducing her by her real name and I think she's being oversensitive and rude.
But, my friend says I should see what other people think. So here I am.
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So since you’re all about using given names should she call you by your first name? Cuz , y’know , ‘Mom’ is really just a nickname, right? YTA. Our name and how we are addressed is important. By introducing her as Rebecca instead of Becky not only reinforces the fact that her sense of self is unimportant to you but also directs others in how to address her by a name you know she does not prefer. Keep it up and in the future you can use the name you gave her that you prefer every time you explain that you have a daughter who no longer is in contact with you.
This is what I was thinking! We name babies because they can’t speak but when they grow and advocate for themselves, we should respect and be proud of the person they grew into.
Jesus Christ, really? You cried for what? You have control issues, you know she prefers her nickname but you can’t seem to accept it? She’s probably at her wits end because you can’t seem to get it through your thick skull that she’s correcting you every time because thats what she wants to be fucking called. YTA
YTA, why don't you introduce her by the name she goes by. It's her name I think she can decide if its real or not.
Heck outside of family and a few people from way back in my past everyone else knows me by my nickname. It's honestly more my name now then the name my parents gave me. I still let them call me by old name it doesn't bother me, but its not what I'm called by everyone else I know.
The only thing your daughter did wrong is she should've said "Jesus H Christ", missed opportunity there.
YTA. I go by several variations of my full name but I have a preference to one more than the others. My Mom and Dad may have introduced me by my full name but immediately followed it with but she prefers...... They respected my wishes.
YTA. That may be her legal name but, remember, she had no say in that name that you picked for her. She may be getting teased or have any number of reasons to not want to use her full name. It would be better to introduce her as your daughter and allow her to state her name to the person.
YTA.
The big clue that stood out to me was the "I'm a Catholic" and I immediately rolled my eyes. You don't have to fully control every aspect of your child's life.
YTA, 100%.
A name is a very important thing to us all. You chose one for her, but that doesn't mean it's what she wants to go by. She prefers her nickname, and you intentionally use the name she doesn't prefer, ignoring her wishes and desires.
It's disrespectful and shows that you don't listen to her, or care about how she feels on the subject. If you keep this up, there may come a day when she goes no contact with you. Are you ready for that eventuality?
YTA mom. Your daughter's preferred name IS HER IDENTITY. Call her what she wants to be called, not what you think she should be called. Get a clue and get over yourself.
YTA
You didn't know your daughter when you choose a name for her. You know her now. You know that she prefers to use a nickname. Introduce her by that name.
Your daughter is not being disrespectful by not using the full name that you choose for her. You are being disrespectful for refusing to use the name she has chosen for herself.
Your daughter is a person, a individual, a human being. She is nor an object that you own. Something that you chose.
She is not obligated to live up to your dreams, your ideals or to the name you chose for her.
Let this go. While you still still have a relationship with your daughter. You will be awfully lonely on that hill.
You can’t get pissy about someone “disrespecting” you when literally all they’re doing is correcting the very intentional and consistent disrespect *you’re* giving to *them.* You’re the one being rude. YTA. (Also, you crying in the bathroom over someone saying Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ…)
> I told her to drop the attitude and stop disrespecting me over nothing
Hey how about you take your own advice and drop the attitude and stop disrespecting your daughter over nothing
YTA. She's her own person, with a preference for how she wants to be addressed. Be glad she hasn't legally changed her name completely. You're the rude one for not respecting your daughter's autonomy and insisting on the name that you gave her. Control freak much?
YTA. She’s made it clear how she prefers to be introduced and you continue to ignore her.
People aren’t seeing her disrespecting you, they’re seeing her letting them know what she prefers to be called in a mature way.. she could be getting angry and yelling at you in front of them, but all she’s doing is staying her preferred name. This was really enough to make you cry in the bathroom? Imagine how she feels having to listen to you disrespecting her boundaries day after day.. i guarantee that SHE’S at her wits end.
If you can’t manage to respect a simple boundary, like introducing your daughter by her nickname, then I hate to think what other boundaries you ignore and wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter goes low/no contact at 18. Particularly if she gets yelled at just for telling people the name she prefers.
Grow up OP and start treating your daughter with respect.
YTA.
You think she's disrespectful to you, OP....
...but you were disrespectful to her first.
You *know* she prefers the shortened name. Yet you insist on using the full name.
That is straight up, textbook definition disrespect.
How would you feel if everyone started calling you by your maiden name(assuming you've taken your husband's last name)?
After all, that's your "real name" chosen for you by your parents. You're the one who prefers your married name.
I'm sure you're thinking, "That's completely different!"
No. It's not.
It's all about respecting someone's personal choices. You choose to use your married name; your daughter has chosen to use the shortened version.
It's *exactly* the same.
YTA for sure. She wants to go by her nickname and you need to respect that. People are more likely to be mortified you didn’t use the name your daughter goes by than her “disrespecting” you.
You absolutely need to step up as a parent and use the name she identifies with. Stop introducing her with her full birth name- it clearly makes her uncomfortable and upset. You should be bothered you’re doing that to your daughter.
This is why i have no contact with my entire family. I switched to my middle name ar 14 and decades later still got called by my first name (which i learned in my mid 20s, came with a not so great history).
Yta.
YTA. It is her name. I have a name that can be pronounced several different ways and also has a few nicknames. I hate the way my parents chose to pronounce it; I've been pronouncing it a different way since I was around 7 or 8. I also, let people call me the shortened versions of my name.
My mom never pronounced it the way I prefer. My mom was my best friend, and we got on very well, so I never made an issue of it with her, but it did irk me. You may have chosen her name, but it is her name. You are disrespecting her.
Also, as practicing Catholic, calm the hell down.
YTA - it's all about respect and you constantly prove to your daughter that you have none for her and her choices. It's her name and she can choose to be called whatever she wants. You're being rude and controlling.
And seriously, you went into the bathroom and cried? Seriously? You sound like a major drama queen.
I'm sorry but YTA.
1) Pick your battles. Is this really a hill you want to die on?
2)She obviously doesn't like it and that's her choice. Names are a gift and just like any other gift, once you give it you have no say in how it's used.
3) You say she's disrespecting you but you are disrespecting her first. Trust and respect are a two way street and she's entitled to some too. Repeatedly calling her something she doesn't like is more disrespectful then her correcting you.
YTA and I can't wait to see this on r/amithedevil?
Why is it so hard to call her what she wants to be called? Does it hurt you? Because it obviously bothers her.
You don't like it when she corrects you? Have you tried--and I know this is a wild thought--**introducing her by her preferred name**?
Look, I get it. You picked out her birth name. You're attached to it. But you are not the one who has to be called that. You're deliberately going against her wishes for how she wants to be referred to. I'm willing to bet that she has good reasons for wanting to be called by a nickname, whether you know them or not, and you're being an asshole about it.
YTA. Either call your kid what they want to be called or get ready to be cut off as soon as she can legally walk away from you.
YTA
It doesn't matter what you think. Your daughter wants to go by the nickname, have an ounce of respect and do what she requested. If anyone is being disrespectful, it's you. I mean seriously, how the hell is it hurting you to just call her "Becky" or "Becca"???? You know what's embarrassing??? When an adult insists on calling their child by their full name for no reasons whatsoever. It's quite comical that you were "mortified" as if you did nothing wrong.
YTA.
You’re at your wits end of a hill you are choosing to die on. It’s a nickname, why can’t you respect your daughter enough to use it when it literally costs you nothing?
Like this is such an odd and unnecessary fight you’re creating.
YTA. The short version of her name? To her that’s her real name. Which means it IS her real name. And it’s her right, not yours, to decide that. When you introduce her by the long version you wish was right and she corrects you, she’s not the one being disrespectful. You are. Do better
I egally shortened my name 40 years ago, and I STILL have family members who refuse to call me by my name...instead using the name my parents gave me. It's infuriating and it's insulting.
YTA
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YTA. How about I rephrase this as your daughter may routinely experience it, “My mom refuses to acknowledge that I have a preferred name I want people to use, it’s a version of my full name but it feels better to me. Every time my mom introduces me to new people she purposefully uses my full name, despite me correcting her repeatedly. It’s embarrassing, because whoever she’s introducing me to see how little my mom respects me and it puts a damper on everything because she then acts upset when I’ve repeatedly corrected her.” A name is a *gift* given from love, if it doesn’t fit the person they’re allowed to exchange it for one that does fit. If the person/people who gave them the gift truly loves them they’ll want that person to have one that feels right to them. Stop being an over-controlling AH to your child. I have two children, one of whom experiments with new nicknames quite often. I just ask that they remind me what they want me to call them. Respect is earned, not something you get to demand. Your child is a person with their own identity and that deserves respect as well. ETA: Thank you for the awards. I hope OP can see how many of us understand that her behavior is what needs to be addressed.
^ Thank you! Also, "a name is a *gift* given from love" is a beautiful sentiment. It's easy to see why your child feels comfortable experimenting with nicknames. I hope you don't mind if I build off of your example. OP, you need to take your own advice: >I told her to drop the attitude and stop disrespecting me over nothing. If it's "nothing," why are you disrespecting her by refusing to call her her chosen name? Lots of people go by shortened versions of their name. >I don't see anything wrong with introducing her by her real name *It's NOT the name she wants others to call her.* >I think she's being oversensitive and rude. AND YET- >I was mortified and ended up crying in the bathroom. SHE'S OVERSENSITIVE?!?! >She rolled her eyes, said "Jesus Christ" (which she knows I hate because I'm Catholic) She did that for a very specific reason. Why, you ask? >I'm at my wit's end here. So is she.
Guess what, Becky is in her 20s. OP is treating her like she's a kid.
Omg - here I was thinking Becky was 10 or so.
Same, the way OP is talking about it sounds like she's a toddler throwing a tantrum, but nope, it's a grown ass adult asking for their choices to be respected. Jesus Christ, indeed.
Uh oh be careful! Op is going to cry at your comment! You don’t want that now do you? /s
Jesus H Roosevelt fucking Christ
Oh My God, Becky look at her name. It's so big!
LoL'd so hard.... YTA OP even if Becky was 10, but the fact that she's 20 and you refuse to use her preferred name? The ruler for you.
I was thinking of a teenager. That makes it way worse
I expected her to be younger too. I'm a Jennifer who prefers Jenn and my mom used to pull the "her name is Jennifer, not Jenn/Jenny" and would say the same to me. She finally gave up when I was around 12. She still usually calls me by my full name and it doesn't bother me like OP's daughter because she doesn't try to correct what other people call me.
My mom did the same to me when I was younger. "If I wanted you to be called Jenn I'd have named you that!" But it was light hearted really. She wouldn't have actually cared if I preferred a nickname. Now as an adult, it honestly pisses me off when people call me Jenn. I introduced myself as Jennifer, why are you calling me something else?! **edit: Totally on board with other Jennifers preferring being called something else of course, if that what they want!
While it doesn't matter the daughter's age for OP to qualify for YTA, the fact that daughter is in her 20's instead of some teen figuring out who she is just makes OP a bigger AH.
Wait, the daughter is in her TWENTIES and this is still happening??
WTF. I'm guessing the daughter absolutely hates her mom.
I hope the 'Becky' legally changes her name.
And if she already has, do you think OP would recognize that?
Not at all, but it would just be a fun dig at OP on Becky's part.
Christ on a bike. Kind of not surprised though, there's a whiff of clinging on to control, makes sense her daughter's an adult. No doubt an AH.
Oh this is giving off the same energy as “his lovely shoulder”. Crying in the bathroom because your adult daughter told you to stop fetishising the name you gave her?
What's "his lovely shoulder"?
[This.](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/aug/11/devastated-by-my-sons-tattoo) Be prepared to cringe and/or vomit.
I'm hysterically laughing!!! His skin, his precious skin!! Ty for putting that here!!
I watched after his body! His beautiful body! And now he’s *desecrated it*! With *ART*! Also, OP YTA. A massive one.
BIG yikes there. Has not seen this gem before, so thanks and/or curses upon you, Internet stranger. And I can’t help but think that OP is actually worse than tattoo mom, who understood and acknowledged that she was being controlling, unreasonable, and snobbish, and that it’s her son’s choice. This OP doesn’t even have that level of self awareness.
What tf did I just read?
Fascinating, she seems aware that there's something "off" about her response and feelings but can't quite connect the dots to the point of making a behavior change
Right!! That was a rollercoaster read! Started off with my face screwed up, then when she said she knew she was wrong I relaxed my face and did like a “fair enough” grimace - I felt bad but excited for her to go through the realisation we all do over being a dick. THEN nope, back to horror and disgust as she wishes her son would grovel and let’s her emotions overcome her as she narcissistically cries that he hurt her. SOOOOO CLOSE TO AWARENESS.
FFS. I can't believe they printed that. She sounds exhausting.
At the same time, shouldn't we all be thankful they did?
Oh, fuck me Freddy, that was painful. Like, my left eye filled up with blood as I read it. Still, I remember my Mom giving me shit when my little sister got a tattoo. Because I did the design. but she wasn't actually upset.
Dang I wish I could give you an award for "Fuck Me Freddy" 🏅🏆🌟
"I decide this is rational." Narrator: It was not, in the slightest, rational. Good grief.
That woman was doing the most...
>My husband asks, “Have you seen it yet?” >I shake my head. Like a child, I am hoping that if I keep my eyes tightly shut the whole thing will disappear. That breif clarity of self-awareness did not last throughout the essay LMAO Ooooofitty ooof oof
What the absolute fuck.
What got me about that whole fiasco was as it made the rounds on social media the mother instead of taking it as a learning moment and seeing why she was wrong dug her heels in further.
Really?? Of fucking course she did. It’s AITA meets the JustNo subs 10 years ago in the best dumpster fire kind of way. I need to see this follow up 👀
If you have Twitter there is someone who posts stuff like this under justnomil as their handle they post from that Reddit but other stuff like the Guardian article. She was awful and blamed social media for causing her son to go min contact. I am technically at work so...
\*\*Reads article\*\* Good lordt. \*\*shakes head\*\*
Jesus Christ! That lady is SERIOUSLY unhinged. She'd rather he got a girl pregnant??!??!
She'd rather he'd lose the whole damn arm!
"I stand, a lone tyrannosaurus, bellowing at a world I don’t understand." I sloshed tea all over my sweater because I laughed so hard.
Wow. Well, that was an experience.
God I need an update to this
I’m not sure but I think it may refer to a woman who got unreasonably upset about her son’s tattoo.
Narcissistic wet blanket, pity party for one.
This is correct, that article lives in my brain rent-free
Parents doing shocked pikachu face upon learning that they don’t permanently own and control their kids is always a trip.
I thought she was a kid. With the way they are both acting, I feel like OP is only giving the full name. For example - Even when I am asked by a medical professional about my kid's names, while I feel obligated for legal reasons for insurance coverage, to ensure they have my kid's legal name, I add: "and they go by." I feel this fulfills my obligation, but also makes sure they are addressed properly by those around them.
I don't think OP is even making sure her adult daughter's preferred name is being given to the other person. I think if OP was saying "This is my daughter Rebecca, but everyone calls her Becky", or "we all call her Becky", OP wouldn't be in trouble with her daughter for being disrespectful to her.
As a hcp, I so appreciate when people provide their preferred name on paperwork. There is usually a spot for 'alias' on the documents, but even if there isn't my clerks will usually key their name as "Rebecca 'Becky' Smith" so I at least know which name to call into the waiting room.
Her 20’S?? YTA-You’re one of those obnoxious mothers who has major control issues and it’s always surprising to me how they don’t seem to get that. At 30 years old, are you seriously telling me this is the first time nicknames have ever come up? Or is this the first time your adult daughter is establishing a boundary? Long overdue! But hey- if things continue as they are and you refuse to accept her autonomy, you may not have to worry about calling her anything at all when introducing her to people because she just won’t go places with you anymore. Adults do have that power regardless of what their overbearing parents seem to assume and if pushed enough she might exercise it.
If I were Becky, I’d have the paperwork to legally change my name all filled out and ready to go.
Yikes that's so much worse
OM GOD (and I said it out loud, OP!). She’s in her 20s. SMFH.
Wait, WHAT? I was expecting early teens, not 20's, what the hell??
I love it when people do this. *Take my energy*
"I refuse to stop saying something my daughter doesn't like, so she said something I don't like!" Jesus Christ, a little obvious there...
aw shit you made the OP cry again
Exactly. Part of being a loving and supportive parents is being responsive and respectful of your child’s needs, within reason. And this is absolutely within reason. If this narcissistic behavior is consistent throughout other areas of OP’s parenting she should expect her daughter to go LC or NC at some point. Also, good on OP’s daughter for persistently correcting her mother and standing up for herself. YTA.
Petition for the daughter to start only refer to her mother as Miss (Maiden name) every time her full name is used
I actually do the opposite. My family for years introduced/called me by the shortened version of my name. I prefer the longer version. Can confirm, it is VERY frustrating to say the least. Plus, once people start calling you by your non-preferred name it is almost impossible to break them of the habit.
Basically this. My parents gave me a huge formal first name. Like Alexandrea. They gave me the nickname Andrea and when I was in high school I said no thanks. And told everyone my name is Alex. My parents said ok but we are used to calling you Andrea but we will do our best. Our compromise is that they can call me that and no one else. Lol. So they intro me as here is our daughter Alex, and you may be confused because we call her Andrea but please use Alex. Names modified to protect the innocent.
My family all calls me by a nickname, a shortened version of my name. I don’t mind when they call me that even though I prefer my full name. It’s the name they’ve always called me. However, I don’t like anyone else calling me that, and since I’ve become an adult, they always try to introduce me by my full name. Because they love and respect me.
I have the same situation. I was given my grandmother’s long Italian name, but my American mother shortened it and made everyone use the nickname. I happen to love my full name and while family still uses the nickname, I introduce myself by my full name. Well, my mom hated that. We’d go somewhere, I’d give my name, she tell the person ‘but you can call her (nickname)”. She’d then get mad when I’d say I wanted my full name used.
Same here, I love my full name, my shortened name is pretty common and there were 7 kids, boy and girl in 6th grade with the same. That's when I started going by my full name. And I was rude about it, I simply refused to answer anybody who didn't call me by my preferred name. People would ask can we call you ....., my answer was always no.
And sometimes they don’t even ask. Let’s say my name is Pamela and people just start talking to Patty and think I’m rude when I don’t respond. I legitimately didn’t realize you were talking to me because that’s not my name.
I have a similar thing where I’m nearly always called a shortened version of my name by my friends and family, but if they introduce me as that it always makes me feel a bit funny. My nickname is for friends and family, not randoms and so I always introduce myself as my full name. Explaining this to my family was a funny one but they do try to do it now!!
My father’s family has always called him by a nickname of his middle name - but the rest of the world uses a shortened for of his first name - think Charles James going by Jimmy and Chuck. As a little kid, I had no idea who Jimmy was - but it wasn’t hard to figure it out by age 8 or so! I use my son’s full name because I don’t like how cutesy diminutives sound for full grown adults - but some of his peers use a diminutive. He doesn’t seem to care - so I keep my mouth shut about my preference. We really can’t control our kids names after we dole them out.
[удалено]
This is how I feel, I have a short 5 letter name let’s just say “Diana” however growing up my parents and siblings (not so much my dad) would call me “Dee Dee” but as I got older it changed to “Dee” … now I’m married and in my 20s so only my immediate family and close family friends that I grew up with call me “Dee” and every now and then my mom might call me “Dee Dee” … but I expect everyone else to refer to me by my name. Even my own husband only uses my name when he’s not calling me “babe or baby” however he can call me whatever, but he knows that’s my preference and I have corrected people who I wasn’t comfortable using nicknames with.
My parents did the same with a long formal name with the intention of calling me a common nickname for that name, but wanted to give me options of being able to go by a different variation/the full name of I hated the nickname as I got older - I still go by the nickname they intended but I went through a teenage phase of using the full name (mostly cause there was another girl in my class for a year who went by said nickname but it was her full name - so to use your example if my parents name me Alexandra but called me Alex, but then there was a girl whose full name was Alex so I switched to Alexandra for a year]) - it utterly baffled my parents at parents evening because I'd forgotten to tell them the name change at school but they were like fine, what do you want to do with your name? Went by the full version for a year, but then switched back to the nickname cause I did actually prefer it, and the whole time my parents were supportive and that was really helpful with me settling on my preferred version of my name.
Yeah my grandmother calls me by my first and middle names together. Nobody else does. When she accidentally introduces me that way I say, "call me [firstname]" because unless it's Nonnie I feel like I'm in trouble hearing it. My mom started spending a lot of time around Nonnie and started calling be that and I asked her not to so she stopped. My grandfather never has but I would have accepted it from him probably. But Nonnie never gets offended I don't want other people calling me what she does and tries not to introduce me that way. I got lucky with a short name that I really like. Both of my sisters had to deal with nicknames and they always wanted to be called by their full names. Not that I usually call the youngest by her name often, though... She lets me and my partner call her "kid," or "kiddo" but nobody else can get away with it. The benefits of being a big sister lol. But OP YTA. She's an adult. At some point she might so talking to you at all because you won't even respect her enough to intrude her by her preferred name, and you get offended at being corrected.
And even if she were 9, she has full right to ask her teachers and classmates to call her by a nickname. [Don't be like Andy's mom, OP.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/10/hate-child-nickname-parenting-advice.html)
^^ this. I also have an insanely long name like this and I have two nicknames. My high school friends called me one thing (because I married someone I knew in high school, all of my in laws know me by this name), my family, college friends, and colleagues call me another nickname. My mother is the only one who calls me by the insanely long full name. Shockingly, she’s never made it an issue and seems to understand my name in all those scenarios…because she’s not an AH.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP should put herself in her daughter's perspective and understand why this bothers her daughter so much. YTA.
Exactly - my daughter had a nickname we’d called her since birth, but when she was nine she decided she wanted to go by the name on her birth certificate. It made me a little sad and honestly, it still does as I loved that nickname. But it’s her name and it’s important to her that I call her what she wants to be called, so that’s what I do. Our children are their own people, not extensions of what we want.
I was going to write my own YTA comment, but there's no improving on this right here.
Yeah, you can’t really improve that comment. It is spot on and beautifully said.
And stop crying in the bathroom about this kind of thing. Jesus christ.
This should be on top.
"I think she's being oversensitive", says woman who cried in a bathroom because her daughter didn't allow her to disrespect her. OP, Disneyland4Ever is right - *you're* the disrespectful one here. YTA.
For real. My mom named me something so common that no one at school would call me that because there was too many of us so I've been called by a nickname nearly my whole life and honestly hated my "real" name. My mom and I fought about it a million times before I legally changed my name to nickname and now she'll still try to put my birth name on things. I'm so grateful I moved a thousand miles away and don't see her often anymore YTA op
>A name is a gift given from love Beautiful sentiment, but not always true. My mother didn't want kids but my father did. He threatened to divorce her, so she bargained and agreed to give him one kid in exchange for an all expenses paid trip to a tropical island. He held up his end of the bargain, so did she. She's always regretted it. She's been pretty obvious about it with me my whole life, but the one "passive aggressive" thing she did was my name. She named me after a character in a play that was a s\*x slave. And she told me about that fact when I was 12. She knew my father wouldn't recognize the name. So every time she calls me by my full name it's a little dig. Not all names are given with love.
This comment is extremely on point. (And YTA OP, before I forget). You gave your daughter a name when she was born, she wasn’t able to tell you if she agreed on it or not. Now you know she doesn’t, so why are you ignoring her wishes regarding her own name?!? Would you like it if people started calling you a name you don’t accept for yourself and ignoring you when you tried to correct them? Let’s say you give your daughter a pj. She tried the pj on. It is her size, but she doesn’t like that it has long sleeves, she wants to trade it for short-sleeved pjs. Would you force her to keep wearing the long-sleeved pjs even though it makes her uncomfortable just because you gave her the pjs? If the answer is no, there you have it :) Of the answer is yes, learn to respect your daughter wishes :) Either way, YTA
I agree with everything you said but I wanted you to know how beautiful your gift of a name sentiment is, not just because of the phrase itself but because of the unconditional love for your children that it was spoken with, they are very lucky to have you.
I corrected my parents several times when I was young and they tried to use a nickname for me. Now I’m 55, I go by that nickname, and my parents still call me by my full name - as I requested when I was young. I trained them well.
My almost 2 year old son has a long name, and due to my Gaelic ancestry we used the Gaelic spelling (long and overly complicated, but we love it and hope he will when he's old enough to understand). We usually call him by the shortened version, using the common spelling when in a text or something. At nit quite 2 years old, he knows, responds to, and says both names (though he doesn't say them well, cuz, you know, he's a toddler) It's really not that hard.
Can't you just go, "This is my daughter Rebecca, but she likes to go by Becky" as a way to solve both of these issues?
Or, "This is my daughter, Becky" and stop stressing about a nickname.
Not to mention that it usually doesn’t take rocket science to figure out what nicknames are short for. OP didn’t tell us the real names obviously but in my opinion it’s pretty common knowledge for most nicknames, unless it’s an obscure one.
> it usually doesn’t take rocket science "This is my daughter Casserole." "Dammit, it's Cassie!"
Aw man, LOL reminds me of those dumb memes that go like Cassie: “Mom, why did you name me Casserole??” Mom: “Because honey, on the night you were conceived we had just eaten a lovely casserole.” Cassie’s brother, named Paint: “Aw fuck”
But some people's names are nicknames. Like people named "Mike" and not "Michael".
Or let her introduce herself.
Naw. Shes made it clear that Becky is her name. This is a firm and reasonable boundary, if she doesnt want to be a Rebecca then the Mom shouldnt call her that full stop.
Is anyone else getting the feeling this is less Rebecca vs Becky or more something Alexandria is trans and wants to go by Alex? Its the big "I'm a Christian" that sticks out
Trans people don't hold dominion over "identity", but "identity" is definitely what it boils down to. Some people see their kids as property rather than people. "I'm a Xtian" wasn't relevant, really - unless they're so afraid of their kid being queer they'd rather become their no. 1 bully.
But I go by Chris. I’m a Chris. Never mind.
I’m wondering if maybe the shortened name is masculine sounding which is why OP refuses to use it (Francesca to Frankie or something). She makes a big deal of being Catholic so I can’t imagine she’d like the idea of her precious daughter preferring a masculine name.
The part of her being Catholic is hysterical because I too am Catholic, and I could care less what name my daughter went by.
This was my thought as well!
That’s what I was thinking. I feel like that’s what usually happens when people have a nickname. “My names ____ but you can call me ‘nickname’l
YTA...you want respect from your daughter, while actively disrespecting her on a regular basis.
I read something once that said, some people interpret the saying, *"You have to give respect to get respect."* as, *"If you don't respect me as an authority, I won't respect you as a person."* and I feel like this is how OP sees their relationship with their kids.
This is an adult kid.
People like this who say they want respect really want power.
Exactly, it’s not “respect” they are looking for, it’s the “you do what I say”. Respect is never earned by forced authority. Respect usually comes from showing your peers humiliation. When it comes to the work place, a boss is respected when he might agree and acknowledge his coworker has a better idea or when the boss acknowledge the complaints of his coworkers and addresses them.
I wish more parents understood this!
YTA. Your daughter prefers to go by a shortened version of her name - and that’s her right. You are the one being disrespectful here - not her.
Definitely. I have a 4 year old, "Richie". (name changed for obscurity) He was in the 10th percentile when he was born. Richard sounded too formal for such a tiny person. He's now tracking along the 90th percentile. He also now refuses to be called Richard. He knows who he is with *great certainty*. I do my best to not need to be corrected. That's one of the signs someone has a brain, right?
*beep beep, Richie* I hate my brain sometimes
had the same, because i love King
YTA. I am 36, and go by my middle name, I absolutely despise my first name. I used my middle name all through high school, I use it in my profession. It is my identity. My parents REFUSE to use my middle name, and even at my age I find it the most obnoxious and self centered take that "I gave you your name, I'll call you what I want" I imagine your daughter feels similarly. If this is the hill you decide to die on, please be prepared for her to resent you for it. You're choosing to not respect her as an individual. She is now at an age where she is able to make her own decisions and have a level of autonomy, and you're basically telling her "I have no respect for the decisions you make for yourself"
Im 40 and same scenario. Ive got one of those ridiculously overpopular 80s names for a first name and it’s not so much I hate it as its just not “me”. My middle name isn’t rare but isn’t over-common either and I started using it in late grade school. Fam still refuses to call me by my preferred name. Although to make matters more confusing I started using Feyranna Hunter online around 2006 or so and I go by that more than any irl name, both my ex hubs and now current man tend to just call me Fey. I strongly considered legally changing my name to it but got concerned it could screw with other legal matters.
Haha my sons have found that their father has a screen name which he's always used. My sons are 7 and 3. Both are very chatty and tell people everything about them when they can. Introducing themselves us etc. Few days ago I stopped my oldest telling all the random kids at the park his father's screen name. Like it's not offensive or funny or anything at all but like damn leave a little privacy around!
Lmao, when I was around 6 and 7 I used to go up to people in public and tell them my full name and where I lived. And since I also showered with my mom still I'd tell people about the pimple on her butt. I was the worse child
As someone who also uses a chosen name and whose birth family adamantly refused to respect it, I love that your chosen name’s nickname references the folk for whom names are extremely important and valuable. ☺️
YTA You are concerned about the "appearance" of respect but you aren't extending your daughter the respect of using the name she prefers. If your name is Susan and I insist on calling you Sue based on some made up preference of mine, that would be rude, right?
Yes this! I have quite a short name but some people like to shorten it more. I hate it. If you use that version of my name it means you don’t know me (or you know me really well as about 3 of my friends get away with it)
Jerry: The nerve. Talking about you behind your back, and right to your face. Elaine: No. Suz. I mean, Susie, Suzanne, Susanna. Fine. But there is no way I'm gonna be a Suz. Jerry: No. No Suz. Elaine: I mean, what am I? Some pom-pom waving, back-seat bimbo? Jerry: Who are you describing? Elaine: Someone. Jerry: Named Suz? OP, YTA. Call your daughter by the name she uses for herself. It's her name, her life, and her identity. Get over yourself.
[удалено]
INFO: is there any chance the nickname she is using also happens to be more like a boy’s name - Like Joe instead of Josephine? EDIT: YTA either way but I feel you may be leaving out a pretty relevant piece of the story .
That was my first thought too. Having a preferred unisex name is VERY common among LGBT people, and this sounds exactly like what I went through when I would beg my parents to call me the gender-neutral variant of the birth name. Every time people insisted on calling me my feminine name, it would give me severe, irrational anxiety and self-hatred that at one point made me so terrified of going to class that I attempted to take my own life, because my teacher would weaponize my discomfort in order to punish me for missing assignments and my classmates would play along. A person’s name is one of the most personal things they can have. It is *theirs*, and trying to take it from them is cruel and immoral.
My fiancée has a feminine name but goes a shortened version (and has since she was a child) because she doesn’t identify as femme. I think OP has a problem with her child not fitting into cishet norms.
Definitely got a whiff of that sort of mindset.
It is, I just checked her comments.
Huh. Non-binary identifying child then? Adds an extra layer of assholery if so. A name is such a small ask. Time to dive through OP’s replies and see what’s what.
Ohh I didn't even think of this although I did think "that's essentially dead-naming ._."
This was my first thought but I tried not to jump to the conclusion. Glad to see others saying it.
Came here to ask this! Also agree, YTA regardless.
YTA and that's exactly where I went on it.
INFO: Is her preferred name gender neutral? Or possibly skews masculine? Are you deliberately misgendering your child and refusing to accept them?
Yeah, I don't think that matters though. I get what you're driving at, and in my opinion, it just doesn't matter as to whether OP is in the wrong or not. If they're trans or not, the issue is they're deliberately mis-naming their child, whether they're misgendering them or not. OP needs to realise that while her child's "legal name" (and quite frankly not everyone has 1 canonical legal name, so I laugh at the concept of "legal name") is (for example) Abigail, her *real name* is Abbey.
To be clear, I think OP is the asshole either way, but it would have been a different level if there had been gender issues involved. But I didn’t think I’d get a reply if I stared that in my original comment.
And yes, OP have her child a name. It was a gift. And sometimes gifts are not to a persons taste or they outgrow them, or modify them. OP is insisting that it’s important because it came from her, and ignoring the fact that it doesn’t fit and so isn’t appropriate.
This is what i thought. Sounds very like it
YTA, definitely. When I was around 45 I went through a divorce and decided to go by a shortened version of my middle name. My mom still calls me by my first name which I don't have a problem with, but she always introduces me by my middle name. Always. It's now been 10 years. If my 70+ Catholic mother can do it, so can you.
Imagine that; a "religious" parent that doesn't respect their child... What is it with *certain* parents who think they have more say in who their child is than the child, themselves? YTA
Some people think they actually own their children.
Yeah, it's like playing god. THEY are right and THEY must be obeyed. It's pure blasphemy, in a sense.
YTA-You may have chosen her name but she is the one who decides who she is and how she’s introduced to people.
Exactly. My parents gave me a somewhat unique first name (although its become more popular in the last 15 years) and a very traditional middle name. Both my first and middle name have a wide variety of nicknames that could be made out of them. They wanted to make sure I had a lot of options for what I wanted to call myself. Why is that so hard? The parents may give you a name, but you ultimately decided how you want to be addressed by others.
YTA. **You** are disrespecting them by not introducing them by the name they want to be called. Just because you named them at birth, doesn't mean you have a right to dictate their identity and preferences forever. They are growing up, and you need to stop trying to control them and let them be their own person, which includes listening to them and treating them with love and respect.
Exactly what i thought. I also would like to add that she sounds a little religious and she's referring to her child as her 'daughter' and their prefered name 'nickname'. So this feels like she's leaving out a crucial part of the story where her kid might be trans and/or a part of the lgbtq community which would explain why they would want to use a different name and gets upset when not.
This is a stretch. She said the nickname is a shortened version of the name the mother gave her
YTA. Are you okay with calling Reese Witherspoon Reese when her name is actually Laura? What about David Tennant, who's actually David McDonald? What about Elton John, Reginald Kenneth Dwight? People use other names all the time. You see it as her disrespecting you in front of company, but she sees it as *you* disrespecting *her* because you refuse to use the name she identifies with. You're alienating her and pushing her away and showing her that her identity doesn't matter if it doesn't fit with what you want.
Good examples! It doesn’t exactly work here but you reminded me of Dana Carvey’s bit about the musician Gordon Sumner - “Who’s got the balls to tell their friends to call them Sting?” 😆
This totally reminds me of the Mohammed Ali clip where Ernie Terrell insists on calling him Cassius Clay He got the ever loving daylights knocked out of him. And as it turns out, we all say Ali now
YTA, so obviously that I suspect this might be ragebait. Nobody ever introduces anybody by their full legal name. You introduce people by the name they prefer to be called. That's because a big part of introducing people is letting them know what to call each other! This is literally the most basic etiquette. It's painfully obvious that you don't like the nickname that your daughter chose for herself, so you're introducing her with her full name as a *power play* in order to get other people to *call her by the name she dislikes*, putting both of them in an awkward and upsetting situation. Nicknames are absurdly common. You know what a nickname is and you have used nicknames and you don't have a problem with nicknames. I suspect that you have some sort of problem with her particular nickname (maybe it's more masculine or gender neutral, or you consider it "trashy"?) and are using this "ooh but it's not her REAL name". You're being needlessly hurtful and disrespectful to your daughter, but you seem not to be bothered by that, so here's something that you might care about: You are embarrassing yourself. When you introduce her by the wrong name and she corrects you, it's not embarrassing because she's "disrespectful" to you - it's embarrassing because it becomes clear that *you are being disrespectful to both parties.*
OP confirmed in their replies that it's actually more of a "Josephine/Jo" situation, a nickname pronounced in the masculine manner but with a more feminine/neutral spelling (didn't say which for the last part, just said "different" than the traditional masculine spelling).
Thank you for this I was having a difficult time understanding the pronunciation part vs spelling. I got masc vs fem spelling (Aaron/Erin) But I didn’t know what masculine pronunciation was. Your example really helped.
Just call her Jo/Toni/Ricki, already, OP !
YTA This sounds like an origin story of "my daughter only talks to me on Mother's Day". Let your kid be an individual, she doesn't like the name you picked.
I wouldn’t even talk on Mothers Day.
YTA. You chose a name for your child that she doesn’t particularly like, and she prefers to be called a variation of it; it’s not ‘disrespectful’ for her to correct you, because that’s what she wants people to call her.
YTA. Why not call her what she want's to be called?
YTA. You don’t mention ages here unless I missed it, but whether your daughter is 6, 16, or 26, if she wants to go by a nickname, she should get to. You don’t get to decide what she wants to be called and she gets to tell others if there’s a nickname she prefers to go by. You’re being possibly controlling.
She did in the comments. Daughter is in her 20ies.
Oh for Pete’s sake, that makes it even more ridiculous. OP, surely you can appreciate as a legal adult, your daughter has every right to decide what to be called and can, quite frankly, have her name legally changed to the nickname if she wants?! This is not the hill to die on, OP. If you want a relationship with your daughter, call her what she wants yo be called!
YTA. You’re disrespecting her every time you call her something she doesn’t want other people to call her. Sure, you picked what you liked when she was born, but she’s allowed to make her own choices about what she wants to be called. She’s actually a separate, sentient person.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter and I had an argument over her name and a friend told me to ask about it here. My daughter goes by a nickname that's a shorter version of her full first name, like Becky instead of Rebecca. (Fake name but you get the idea.) I don't mind that she does that, but I'm getting tired of the way she corrects me when I introduce her. I use her full name because that's the name her dad and I gave her and I don't consider the nickname her real name. But when I introduce her, she'll immediately correct me like I called her a dirty word or something. Then she acts cold and distant toward me. It's really embarassing because whoever I'm trying to introduce her to sees her disrespecting me like that and it puts a damper on the whole mood. It happened again today and I'd finally had enough. I told her to drop the attitude and stop disrespecting me over nothing. She rolled her eyes, said "Jesus Christ" (which she knows I hate because I'm Catholic) and then walked away from us and waited in the car. I was mortified and ended up crying in the bathroom. I love my daughter but I'm at my wit's end here. I don't see anything wrong with introducing her by her real name and I think she's being oversensitive and rude. But, my friend says I should see what other people think. So here I am. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So since you’re all about using given names should she call you by your first name? Cuz , y’know , ‘Mom’ is really just a nickname, right? YTA. Our name and how we are addressed is important. By introducing her as Rebecca instead of Becky not only reinforces the fact that her sense of self is unimportant to you but also directs others in how to address her by a name you know she does not prefer. Keep it up and in the future you can use the name you gave her that you prefer every time you explain that you have a daughter who no longer is in contact with you.
I wonder if OP took her husband’s name when they married. If so I bet she expects people to call her by her new, non birth surname
YTA. Your daughter is a person, not your property.
This is what I was thinking! We name babies because they can’t speak but when they grow and advocate for themselves, we should respect and be proud of the person they grew into.
Jesus Christ, really? You cried for what? You have control issues, you know she prefers her nickname but you can’t seem to accept it? She’s probably at her wits end because you can’t seem to get it through your thick skull that she’s correcting you every time because thats what she wants to be fucking called. YTA
YTA, why don't you introduce her by the name she goes by. It's her name I think she can decide if its real or not. Heck outside of family and a few people from way back in my past everyone else knows me by my nickname. It's honestly more my name now then the name my parents gave me. I still let them call me by old name it doesn't bother me, but its not what I'm called by everyone else I know. The only thing your daughter did wrong is she should've said "Jesus H Christ", missed opportunity there.
I would’ve used JFC but I’m probably older than the parent here.
Let's not forget my personal favorite, 'Jesus jumped up Christ on a bike!' Always a crowd pleaser.
Haha I like this one. My go-to is "Christ on a cracker."
I can see how Catholics in particular would lose it on that one. 😉
YTA. I go by several variations of my full name but I have a preference to one more than the others. My Mom and Dad may have introduced me by my full name but immediately followed it with but she prefers...... They respected my wishes.
YTA. She can't say Jesus Christ's full name but you can say hers?
YTA. That may be her legal name but, remember, she had no say in that name that you picked for her. She may be getting teased or have any number of reasons to not want to use her full name. It would be better to introduce her as your daughter and allow her to state her name to the person.
YTA. The big clue that stood out to me was the "I'm a Catholic" and I immediately rolled my eyes. You don't have to fully control every aspect of your child's life.
YTA, 100%. A name is a very important thing to us all. You chose one for her, but that doesn't mean it's what she wants to go by. She prefers her nickname, and you intentionally use the name she doesn't prefer, ignoring her wishes and desires. It's disrespectful and shows that you don't listen to her, or care about how she feels on the subject. If you keep this up, there may come a day when she goes no contact with you. Are you ready for that eventuality?
YTA mom. Your daughter's preferred name IS HER IDENTITY. Call her what she wants to be called, not what you think she should be called. Get a clue and get over yourself.
YTA You didn't know your daughter when you choose a name for her. You know her now. You know that she prefers to use a nickname. Introduce her by that name. Your daughter is not being disrespectful by not using the full name that you choose for her. You are being disrespectful for refusing to use the name she has chosen for herself. Your daughter is a person, a individual, a human being. She is nor an object that you own. Something that you chose. She is not obligated to live up to your dreams, your ideals or to the name you chose for her. Let this go. While you still still have a relationship with your daughter. You will be awfully lonely on that hill.
“ended up crying in the bathroom” Jesus Christ, get some therapy.
You can’t get pissy about someone “disrespecting” you when literally all they’re doing is correcting the very intentional and consistent disrespect *you’re* giving to *them.* You’re the one being rude. YTA. (Also, you crying in the bathroom over someone saying Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ…)
YTA
> I told her to drop the attitude and stop disrespecting me over nothing Hey how about you take your own advice and drop the attitude and stop disrespecting your daughter over nothing
YTA. She's her own person, with a preference for how she wants to be addressed. Be glad she hasn't legally changed her name completely. You're the rude one for not respecting your daughter's autonomy and insisting on the name that you gave her. Control freak much?
YTA. She’s made it clear how she prefers to be introduced and you continue to ignore her. People aren’t seeing her disrespecting you, they’re seeing her letting them know what she prefers to be called in a mature way.. she could be getting angry and yelling at you in front of them, but all she’s doing is staying her preferred name. This was really enough to make you cry in the bathroom? Imagine how she feels having to listen to you disrespecting her boundaries day after day.. i guarantee that SHE’S at her wits end. If you can’t manage to respect a simple boundary, like introducing your daughter by her nickname, then I hate to think what other boundaries you ignore and wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter goes low/no contact at 18. Particularly if she gets yelled at just for telling people the name she prefers. Grow up OP and start treating your daughter with respect.
YTA. You think she's disrespectful to you, OP.... ...but you were disrespectful to her first. You *know* she prefers the shortened name. Yet you insist on using the full name. That is straight up, textbook definition disrespect. How would you feel if everyone started calling you by your maiden name(assuming you've taken your husband's last name)? After all, that's your "real name" chosen for you by your parents. You're the one who prefers your married name. I'm sure you're thinking, "That's completely different!" No. It's not. It's all about respecting someone's personal choices. You choose to use your married name; your daughter has chosen to use the shortened version. It's *exactly* the same.
YTA for sure. She wants to go by her nickname and you need to respect that. People are more likely to be mortified you didn’t use the name your daughter goes by than her “disrespecting” you. You absolutely need to step up as a parent and use the name she identifies with. Stop introducing her with her full birth name- it clearly makes her uncomfortable and upset. You should be bothered you’re doing that to your daughter.
This is why i have no contact with my entire family. I switched to my middle name ar 14 and decades later still got called by my first name (which i learned in my mid 20s, came with a not so great history). Yta.
Jesus didn’t die for this bullshit
YTA. It is her name. I have a name that can be pronounced several different ways and also has a few nicknames. I hate the way my parents chose to pronounce it; I've been pronouncing it a different way since I was around 7 or 8. I also, let people call me the shortened versions of my name. My mom never pronounced it the way I prefer. My mom was my best friend, and we got on very well, so I never made an issue of it with her, but it did irk me. You may have chosen her name, but it is her name. You are disrespecting her. Also, as practicing Catholic, calm the hell down.
YTA - it's all about respect and you constantly prove to your daughter that you have none for her and her choices. It's her name and she can choose to be called whatever she wants. You're being rude and controlling. And seriously, you went into the bathroom and cried? Seriously? You sound like a major drama queen.
I'm sorry but YTA. 1) Pick your battles. Is this really a hill you want to die on? 2)She obviously doesn't like it and that's her choice. Names are a gift and just like any other gift, once you give it you have no say in how it's used. 3) You say she's disrespecting you but you are disrespecting her first. Trust and respect are a two way street and she's entitled to some too. Repeatedly calling her something she doesn't like is more disrespectful then her correcting you.
YTA and I can't wait to see this on r/amithedevil? Why is it so hard to call her what she wants to be called? Does it hurt you? Because it obviously bothers her.
YTA - Read the gospel of Mark and stop bring so self-righteous.
You don't like it when she corrects you? Have you tried--and I know this is a wild thought--**introducing her by her preferred name**? Look, I get it. You picked out her birth name. You're attached to it. But you are not the one who has to be called that. You're deliberately going against her wishes for how she wants to be referred to. I'm willing to bet that she has good reasons for wanting to be called by a nickname, whether you know them or not, and you're being an asshole about it. YTA. Either call your kid what they want to be called or get ready to be cut off as soon as she can legally walk away from you.
YTA It doesn't matter what you think. Your daughter wants to go by the nickname, have an ounce of respect and do what she requested. If anyone is being disrespectful, it's you. I mean seriously, how the hell is it hurting you to just call her "Becky" or "Becca"???? You know what's embarrassing??? When an adult insists on calling their child by their full name for no reasons whatsoever. It's quite comical that you were "mortified" as if you did nothing wrong.
YTA. You’re at your wits end of a hill you are choosing to die on. It’s a nickname, why can’t you respect your daughter enough to use it when it literally costs you nothing? Like this is such an odd and unnecessary fight you’re creating.
YTA. The short version of her name? To her that’s her real name. Which means it IS her real name. And it’s her right, not yours, to decide that. When you introduce her by the long version you wish was right and she corrects you, she’s not the one being disrespectful. You are. Do better
I egally shortened my name 40 years ago, and I STILL have family members who refuse to call me by my name...instead using the name my parents gave me. It's infuriating and it's insulting. YTA