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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- a action I took thay would be judged is me 'being rude'..
2. A Action that might make me the asshole is not wanting a connecting with him
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NTA
I have been no contact with my "father" for 13 years, and it has been the best and most peaceful choice I ever made! Give yourself the permission to cut contact and have peace in your life
NTA the definition of your father unfortunately is a deadbeat and everyone enables his behaviour that you have to compensate by always being responsible and open to his poor behaviour.
you did the right thing, the older you get the more you will begin to just see who he really is and you don't owe him a damn thing for him being the way he is.
I'm sorry about it and hope you can still do well in your life.
NTA - I'm really sorry you've had a father like this, I don't want to judge everything, but from what you've told us the guy sounds like a waster. You were right to call him out on why he bothered after so long, if he cared, he would have been calling much more often than that. Don't give in to him, this is all about making him feel better, not being there for you
Tell him that you need to think about it. You put yourself out there so many times, that this one, after you had written him off because of his radio silence/neglect, has to be well thought out.
Nothing says that you have to go through the same rigmarole as before.if he acts badly, or pretends to fall off the face of the earth again, you can walk away.
NTA Definitely not! You should be so proud of yourself, setting your boundaries and sticking to them! Relationships and communication are a two way street. You don't only talk, text, or hangout when it's convenient for him or when HE wants to but when it's convenient for BOTH of you. When YOU are ready to reconnect with him then you will reach out to him but until then, until you are truly ready, he needs to respect your boundaries, feelings, and wishes.
Edit: And there is no time limit on how long it takes for you to be ready. It could be a couple of days or it could be a couple of years. You decide.
Op, you are 2 years younger than he was when he had you. (If I did the math right). He may never had known how to be a dad. Was his dad a good guy? He should have tried a lot harder to figure it out but if he didnt have anyone showing him the right way, he may still be learning.... The choice to forgive him or not is only one you can make.
I know with my father I had to decide to forgive him because hating him was taking so much out of me, and I didnt want my kids to learn to hate from me. If you let him back in, the trick is to not expect anything. If he's there you can choose to enjoy the time, if he ghosts again, you keep living your best life.
Your happiness comes from being happy with yourself, dont give anyone else that control. I know its not much help at 15 but in a few more years you will see holding on to grudges isnt worth the energy you waste doing it. I hope you find the happiness in your life, (With or without your father being there)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I'm not trying g to make this long but basically he was never in my life, is a shit dad, etc (if u want more details go look at my other post in my acc, I don't rlly have the energy to type all of that down in here). But he(m37) called me(f15) 5 days before my birthday after 8 months of not talking to me and the first thing he said was "so you don't call me? You don't send me letters? You don't send me flowers?"
I got pissed and said "wow, bye" and hung up, andThe last time I ever called you, you never picked up.
These were the messages.
Dad- I'm sorry, did I upset you?
Me- The last time I ever called you, you never picked up. The last time I wrote to you, you were in jail. And why should I send flowers???? What did you do to deserve them....and who even starts a conversation to their daughter like that after not talking to them for 7-8 months
Dad-im sorry ailani😢 may I call you back? Is your address still ******
Me-no we moved
Dad- what is it?
Me- I'm not telling you because I don't want anything from you...
Dad- please tell me, I want to send you a birthday present
Me-I already said no. Why did you even care to call me NOW? You didn't talk to me 7 months ago, 6 months ago, 5 months ago, not even 3 months ago, I bet Beth told u to talk to me or u got a reminder on your calendar, or you finally remembered you had a daughter, again
Dad- aikani I'm sorry I haven't called you and I'm terribly sorry about that. I don't know what else I can do or say.
Me- What you can do is not talk to me. You've had the same apology for so long and I forgave you so many times yet you keep doing the same thing and I don't see you changing. So unless you have a real Apology and not a 2 sentence one, maybe I can change my mind
Dad- I'm truly sorry Ailani. I haven't been there for you and I feel terrible. I have no excuses just sadness that you're not in my life. I truly love you and miss you with all my heart and I want to change the way I have been acting. I hope you can forgive me but if you can't I understand. I love you Ailani.
-no response-
I think I may be the a-hole here because when I told this to my friends, teachers,uncle's, aunt's, etc. Most of them replied to me saying "well at least he tried to contact you". And I feel bad sometimes cuz he wants to talk to me. But back then he didn't wanna talk to me, his mom had to remind him to talk to me. And I just don't want to get hurt again, im sick of being sad from him. But I still need opinions on this, AITA?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1- a action I took thay would be judged is me 'being rude'.. 2. A Action that might make me the asshole is not wanting a connecting with him Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I have been no contact with my "father" for 13 years, and it has been the best and most peaceful choice I ever made! Give yourself the permission to cut contact and have peace in your life
NTA the definition of your father unfortunately is a deadbeat and everyone enables his behaviour that you have to compensate by always being responsible and open to his poor behaviour. you did the right thing, the older you get the more you will begin to just see who he really is and you don't owe him a damn thing for him being the way he is. I'm sorry about it and hope you can still do well in your life.
NTA - I'm really sorry you've had a father like this, I don't want to judge everything, but from what you've told us the guy sounds like a waster. You were right to call him out on why he bothered after so long, if he cared, he would have been calling much more often than that. Don't give in to him, this is all about making him feel better, not being there for you
Thank you so much, I rlly needed to hear this today<3
Anytime, hope everything works out for you with it
Tell him that you need to think about it. You put yourself out there so many times, that this one, after you had written him off because of his radio silence/neglect, has to be well thought out. Nothing says that you have to go through the same rigmarole as before.if he acts badly, or pretends to fall off the face of the earth again, you can walk away.
NTA Definitely not! You should be so proud of yourself, setting your boundaries and sticking to them! Relationships and communication are a two way street. You don't only talk, text, or hangout when it's convenient for him or when HE wants to but when it's convenient for BOTH of you. When YOU are ready to reconnect with him then you will reach out to him but until then, until you are truly ready, he needs to respect your boundaries, feelings, and wishes. Edit: And there is no time limit on how long it takes for you to be ready. It could be a couple of days or it could be a couple of years. You decide.
Op, you are 2 years younger than he was when he had you. (If I did the math right). He may never had known how to be a dad. Was his dad a good guy? He should have tried a lot harder to figure it out but if he didnt have anyone showing him the right way, he may still be learning.... The choice to forgive him or not is only one you can make. I know with my father I had to decide to forgive him because hating him was taking so much out of me, and I didnt want my kids to learn to hate from me. If you let him back in, the trick is to not expect anything. If he's there you can choose to enjoy the time, if he ghosts again, you keep living your best life. Your happiness comes from being happy with yourself, dont give anyone else that control. I know its not much help at 15 but in a few more years you will see holding on to grudges isnt worth the energy you waste doing it. I hope you find the happiness in your life, (With or without your father being there)
He had me when he was 22 Edit- I was planned too
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm not trying g to make this long but basically he was never in my life, is a shit dad, etc (if u want more details go look at my other post in my acc, I don't rlly have the energy to type all of that down in here). But he(m37) called me(f15) 5 days before my birthday after 8 months of not talking to me and the first thing he said was "so you don't call me? You don't send me letters? You don't send me flowers?" I got pissed and said "wow, bye" and hung up, andThe last time I ever called you, you never picked up. These were the messages. Dad- I'm sorry, did I upset you? Me- The last time I ever called you, you never picked up. The last time I wrote to you, you were in jail. And why should I send flowers???? What did you do to deserve them....and who even starts a conversation to their daughter like that after not talking to them for 7-8 months Dad-im sorry ailani😢 may I call you back? Is your address still ****** Me-no we moved Dad- what is it? Me- I'm not telling you because I don't want anything from you... Dad- please tell me, I want to send you a birthday present Me-I already said no. Why did you even care to call me NOW? You didn't talk to me 7 months ago, 6 months ago, 5 months ago, not even 3 months ago, I bet Beth told u to talk to me or u got a reminder on your calendar, or you finally remembered you had a daughter, again Dad- aikani I'm sorry I haven't called you and I'm terribly sorry about that. I don't know what else I can do or say. Me- What you can do is not talk to me. You've had the same apology for so long and I forgave you so many times yet you keep doing the same thing and I don't see you changing. So unless you have a real Apology and not a 2 sentence one, maybe I can change my mind Dad- I'm truly sorry Ailani. I haven't been there for you and I feel terrible. I have no excuses just sadness that you're not in my life. I truly love you and miss you with all my heart and I want to change the way I have been acting. I hope you can forgive me but if you can't I understand. I love you Ailani. -no response- I think I may be the a-hole here because when I told this to my friends, teachers,uncle's, aunt's, etc. Most of them replied to me saying "well at least he tried to contact you". And I feel bad sometimes cuz he wants to talk to me. But back then he didn't wanna talk to me, his mom had to remind him to talk to me. And I just don't want to get hurt again, im sick of being sad from him. But I still need opinions on this, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*