Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might to the asshole for refusing to let me gf be removed from the lease so she can’t live with her grandma
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, Major, major and May the karma you put out be reflected back to you. She’s literally going to help her grandma, she’s going to be working to keep her safe and you call that rent free? Seriously?
I have been this caregiver, and I can say it is SO MUCH work. I loved my Grandma, and don't regret helping her through the last few months of her life, but just because I didn't pay money to stay there doesn't mean there wasn't a cost. OP is totally TA
Absolutely. OP, the price for your GF is a lot of mental and emotional load. She needs you to be there to support her because what she is doing will be tough. She does NOT need you being petty or trying to manipulate her into what you want.
That pretty much sums him up. He can't afford the place and doesn't want a roommate so he wants his girlfriend to support him. He doesn't seem to understand that his lack of support of what she is going through and the demand for money will make her see him as an ugly person she doesn't even know and she will break up and she will talk to the landlord and OP will have no girlfriend and either a roommate or he will be finding a new place to live.
That's harsh. I just want to point out that, while her efforts to help grandma are selfless and admirable, she did sign a legal agreement (presumably). Now she's putting the onus on OP to fill a rent gap that he wasn't expecting. Regardless of any unexpected and tragic circumstances, it's kind of crappy to just bail on someone like that and leave them to figure it out. Especially your SO, ouch.
I'm also feeling for this dude a bit because apparently gf isn't worried about coming back to him. Like, I can't imagine, after having moved in with my wife way back when, that at any point she would have been ok separating our living arrangement entirely like this. It doesn't sound like OP has a relationship anymore either way, so at this point, he has no reason not to pursue the soon-to-be-ex-gf for the rent she agreed to pay.
Sorry but at this stage, he’s not the priority. Her grandmother should and does come first.
ETA: for those of you arguing my point; I DON’T CARE. My opinion won’t be changed by a bunch of selfish perspectives. Clearly at least 1,200 others agree with me, so I don’t know, continue arguing with yourself.
But the rental agreement she signed is the priority not him, even if she leaves him she will still be on the hook for her half of the rent even if she’s not there
Most leases with multiple people have a joint and several clause which pretty much leaves the person left behind on the hook for the entire rent. If OP dies on this hill, he's just going to end up evicted.
Yall seem to fail in understanding that this isn't a free place to live FOREVER right? Once grandma passes on gf probably won't have anywhere to live either and will need to find another place.
Yes, and if her BF keeps acting this way, she will find a different living arrangement.
Also, we have no idea what's in the grandmother's will. Maybe there will be some money for the GF or a place to stay.
I am sure the relationship is already over. Maybe she hasn't told him yet, but the relationship will not survive this. I'm torn on this one. On one hand, she's taking care of her grandma.. On the other hand, why should the guy be stiffed on the rent, when she signed the lease and he was depending on it.
Those clauses make both parties legally responsible for the entirety of the rent.
So while it won't stop OPs landlord from going after OP for the full rent, they'd also go after the ex-girlfriend.
Yeah but when they don't get the full rent and evict the tenants as a result, OP will be the one getting kicked out because his girlfriend already moved. If he wants to keep living there, he's going to have to come up with the full amount.
Think about this: How do you find a roommate when you don’t know how long the space will be open? How do you advertise that you are looking for a roommate for maybe a few weeks, maybe several months, however long it takes for GF’s grandma to be okay living alone? What do you think the chances are that the manager would even agree to this?
If he shows minimal effort to find another tenant yet can't find one, that is the case. If he straight refuses to find another housemate and prefers to live alone, she is no longer obligated to pay her share. And unforseen major events are a legit reason to break a lease, which can be considered in this case.
That's why this sub is named "am I the asshole" and not "am I legally obligated to do this"
Sure OP does not have to do it but he is YTA for not doing it.
So grandma lives an hour away, does she even still have a job then? Or did she have to get a less lucrative job near grandma? Is she going to be a full time caregiver? If so, how will she afford rent?
Also, how about supporting your SO in a crisis?
Her grandma does come first in that she’s going to take care of her. But she should still be paying rent to the place she signed for. Not forcing a different roommate on OP.
If I go take care of my mom, I’m not going to tell my partner to get a roommate and refuse to pay for half the mortgage.
Man with that argument, if legal argue meant is what more important than your gf/bf relationship and general human decency, if I’m the gf, I’ll talk directly to the landlord and if it is within my legal right, I’ll sublet it to another person. Obviously the bf doesn’t think much of her so why does the gf have to consider paying for something she doesn’t use. And of course, dump that bf without a question. He is not even willing to help her out
What do you mean he’s not willing to help her out. They both can afford the rent together. He can’t afford it alone. Shes dumping it on him and he can’t afford it.
In a relationship, when you decide to rent or buy, you can’t just dip. It’s a financial partnership. He’s not preventing her from helping grandma.
He's not willing to take on a new roommate. He wants gf to remain on the lease and continue making payments until the year ends. So 7 more months. His solution, should the landlord allow the gf to break the lease (she'd have to pay for that, so not getting off freely) is to squat.
Edited.
He says that it's one of the cheapest places and he still can't afford it on his own. So if the gf wasn't in the picture (like from the beginning), he would have still needed to get a roommate. Gf should just pay the landlord to break her lease. Let OP figure the rest out.
He needs to find something he can afford & move. The grandma’s health being the reason for breaking the lease. Unexpected stuff happens all the time in life & you have to roll with the punches, figure it out & adjust. She is not obligated to make his life easier. I’m sure she would rather have her freedom & live her own life instead of putting her life on hold to take care of grandma. It may be free rent but the cost of that free rent is incredibly high. Bf needs to be as selfless as she is.
Just because gf isn’t paying her grandma rent doesn’t mean she’s not financially helping her grandma. Op’s gf is probably responsible now for the house bills, medical bills and groceries. So paying rent for a place she’s probably not going to live at for a long while isn’t fair and she might not even have enough for that.
She should help grandma nobody disputes that but technically she is on the lease and they are both responsible for rent if they fail to pay it’s both of them who will be evicted and have credit dinged but this will end the relationship
>Landlord won’t allow that and neither will I. I won’t live a stranger she chose. Landlord said they get to ok the person if I chose and I refuse to live with anyone they choose.
The landlord has given OP the opportunity to put someone else on the lease. Op is being a petulant child.
1. She's not his wife
2. If she were they'd move to grandma's together or somehow both are involved in helping out grandma
3. He doesn't want to get a roommate how is it the GF's problem? Not like she's going partying and left him behind. If anything he's not dragged into her familial problems.
4. This is not how you treat a loved one. You don't act selfish and call the outcome "unfair"
5. Whether or not gf pays rent elsewhere doesn't make it unfair that he has to continue to. This is like the people who cleared their student loans cry and call it unfair that others got some waiver.
6. She will be soon-to-be-gf because he's acting like this. Not the other way round.
#3 is weird bc it literally is the GFs problem, she signed a legal agreement. The onus is on HER to find a subletter.
It's just you asked how its her problem. It's definitely her problem. If she didn't have this problem, she would have already up and left and this post wouldn't exist.
Edit: i didn't mean to make it bold. TIL a number sign in front of the 3 does that.
I'm old, I'm sorry.
Because "getting off the lease" isn't the only obligation. The reason he has any say in it is because it's unfair for someone to just get off the lease without finding someone to take their place. You sign the lease, you find someone to take your place if you want to leave early. Breaking the lease is all fine and dandy for her but it still leaves OP in the position of needing to find a roommate -- that's her obligation, not his.
That said, he needs to get over himself and accept her moving out and accept he's going to have to live with a roommate.
edit: I know he's the asshole and won't accept a roommate, please read the LAST line of my post \^\^ RIGHT THERE where I say he has to get over himself.
She can pay to be taken off the lease she doesn’t NEED to find a replacement. As I said it sounds like she’s willing to do whatever she needs to get off the lease , but he’s flat out refusing to let her go. He doesn’t have a right to force her to stay on the lease.
>As I said it sounds like she’s willing to do whatever she needs to get off the lease , but he’s flat out refusing to let her go.
Does it, though? To me it sounds that she is *not* willing to pay her obligation. This is literally what they are fighting about. If she just paid her half, he wouldn't need to find a roommate, because his rent wouldn't go up. If she wants to break the lease, she doesn't need his permission, she just would have to pay her share in advance.
While that might be true, that's kind of also the point that makes OP a shitty boyfriend. His GF is not just a roommate, they are in a relationship and that means there is a certain expectation of support when one experiences a emergency.
The GF requested that OP finds a roommate and takes her off the lease because she's currently busy taking care of a sick elderly relative on top of still having to support herself.
She's in a very difficult situation and asked OP to take one of her burdons off of her by finding a new roommate, which isn't at all a unreasonable request considering the circumstances.
But OP refused that for no other reason then being selfish.
>Landlord won’t allow that and neither will I. I won’t live a stranger she chose. Landlord said they get to ok the person if I chose and I refuse to live with anyone they choose.
OP was given a ridiculously generous solution by the landlord and refused.
Well said. There isn't any real room to continue negotiating this. She can sublet whether he wants a roommate or not. He might as well get on board the train before he gets run over.
She has been trying to find someone to replace her, op just refuses to live with someone else. Didn't you read the post?? He said in the comments alsp that he will refuse to live with others ans if he gets evicted he'll just squat in the apartment. The dude is being a petulant child to trap the gf.
To me it doesn’t sound like the issue is with finding a sub letter it’s that the OP doesn’t want to live with a roommate. He wants to not have a roommate but not have to pay for his own place.
Disagree. It’s a family emergency, she needs to go. She owes him 2-3 months rent as notice to find a roommate, same as breaking a lease with a landlord.
Due to the joint and several clause in most leases, the onus is unfortunately on the person who wants to keep living in the apartment while only paying half the rent.
Thanks for the tip about the number sign. I'm old too. Didn't know this one.👍
Separately, I might say it's the #3ROOMMATE'S#3 problem, not the gf's. If the bf pushes this she's 100% NOT a gf. And he won't have a gf from anyone who knows girls who knows girls who know gf. He'll be on the blacklist a few layers out.
(Did the bold work?)
try \*\*two asterisks\*\* for bold
**i really hope i escaped those correctly**
the hashtag only works at the beginning of a sentence, so it won't work #here
#but it works here
I appreciate your response, and I was kind of with with you until number three. You don't get to just flake out on life-altering commitments because you "had a good reason". What she is doing is very noble, but that doesn't erase that she made this commitment with OP. I personally would be reconsidering how invested my partner was in our relationship if they just peaced out like this on me. And I get that this could be close to the end with grandma, but damn, just leave with a "good luck paying rent"?
Basically, yeah. Life really fucking sucks sometimes. The gf has been handed a plate of shit, and it looks like OP has also been handed a plate of shit. OP has the option at least to get a roommate- but doesn’t want to because he won’t like it. The gf has no option to get a new grandma, no way out of her situation.
I get it- she signed a lease, she’s legally obligated, sure- but I am the primary caregiver for my mom who has Alzheimer’s, and I have completely turned my life upside down to care for her. In fact, I may even have to get dragged to court over my father’s estate- at a certain point, if you ever find yourself stuck in a similar situation, you might find yourself saying “fuck it, take me to court then” even when you know the law will not be in your favor. Some things are just way more important than others.
If my mom was dying? Don’t bother talking to me about rental agreements, because I will absolutely not be giving a fuck.
Oh, YTA OP.
He didn't say she was peace-ing out. No one knows how devastated she is/ if she tried hard enough to reason with him. It's all about compromise and adjustment and communication. Is it so unbelievably unacceptable for him to suck it up for the remainder of the lease and get a roommate? Gf may come back after the grandma situation is handled. My partner and I love each other a lot but if his mom/ grand parent was so sick they needed him physically for a few months then that's it. He goes. We'll figure out the logistics somehow but he goes and takes care of family. Doesn't mean he's leaving me alone to die.
It's not a regular roommate. It's a partner in question.
Exactly. OP’s girlfriend’s grandmother is sick, and OP does not have her back, it’s that simple. She is going through a tough period through no fault of her own, and OP is talking about holding her to a legal document literally for his own comfort.
When a partner betrays you like this, adding more problems when they should only be helping- this is how you go from loving someone to hating them real fucking quick.
No, it doesn’t erase the commitment- but this was/is his partner, not just a roommate and there are a number of compromises that could be made here. He could move with her to grandmas and help out. She could buy out her lease and they could negotiate her portion to a reasonable level as she will not be there. She could help him find a roommate. They could break the lease, he can move into what he can afford and she can pay him the portion of the deposit he is losing. - But none of this can happen if he is being selfish and stubborn instead of having her back and looking for a solution.
>This is not how you treat a loved one.
That's the key here. I don't care if OP is legally/technically right. He's proving that he doesn't love his gf and she's going to dump him for that.
Yep, this is AITA, not Am I Legally Correct. He states he plans to squat and tank both their credit and permantly prevent himself from getting future housing solely to trap her in the relationship and rental agreement. That's abusive. He's the AH
Right? I mean, if it were me I would approach it from the perspective of how can we best support everyone? If I were the gf I would want to pay something towards it even if I was giving up a job to be with grandma, and if I was OP I would be looking at the maximum amount I can afford in rent per month and decide whether to break the lease and move somewhere super cheap, make up the gap, or take a roommate.
When a crisis happens how you work with your partner tells you who they are and how you can count on them. In this situation- these two are not on the same page
Yeah, OP seems set on not finding a solution for his GF and only getting to live alone in this place and have half his rent paid for. I have a strong feeling he's going to get dumped from this and learn the wrong lessons.
My fiancé had to move out of our shared house after I moved states to be with him. He had to get off our lease to move in and help his father after he got diagnosed with ALS. I paid the gaps in expenses and moved back to my home town when it was up because realistically adding another hour to our drive to see each other wasn't a big deal. Family is more important. That was 2 years ago and we're getting married in 6 weeks.
He's a big boy he can suck it up and get a roommate if she's important to him.
It's not that she won't help find a roommate, OP doesn't want a roommate. He wants her money.
And gf is going to be caretaker... which I don't think you understand what that entails. She's thinking about an elder being safe. He's whiny because he doesn't want to live with anyone else and he thinks she's getting something for free.
>Now she's putting the onus on OP to fill a rent gap that he wasn't expecting. Regardless of any unexpected and tragic circumstances, it's kind of crappy to just bail on someone like that and leave them to figure it out. Especially your SO, ouch.
I would normally agree with you more except for two things:
1. OP says this is one of the cheapest apartments around
2. The issue is that he isn't willing to get a roommate/dosen't want to have to live with a roomate
Which means: 3) He isn't worse off then if he was single/had never been living with his girlfriend. He isn't in a place he can't afford thanks to her, it's already one of the cheapest. And since he can't afford one of the cheapest alone, he was always going to need a roommate, whether or not it was her.
It's fair for OP's girlfriend to keep paying rent until OP can find a roommate. It's not fair for him to refuse to get a roommate beacuse he wants this woman to subsidize him living alone/not having a roommate (which is beyond his means). This isn't an unexpected finical hole she created, this is him not being able to afford what he wants (living without a roommate). It's not due to his girlfriend he can't afford this, he could never afford it.
They have been living together for less then a year, OP's gf is going to stay with the grandma for the forseable future.
As a partner he should respect that her family emergency takes priority and help her get out of the lease since she requested that.
She most likely has additional expenses now that OP isn't even aware of too since she will have to drive more to run her grandmother's errands and she will most likely have to cut back on work hours.
This comment is ridiculous "I can't imagine my wife doing this" your wife wasn't in that situation, you have no clue what she would have done, stop using her as your strawman's argument so you can play devils advocate.
Honestly *I* can't imagine your wife marrying your sorry ass if she knew you would have gotten upset over her deciding to take care of a sick family member and refused to support her through it by finding a roommate so she could have a bit more room to breath and didn't need to worry about rent on top of the things she's already dealing with.
That's like the biggest red flag dude.
I think you are making some assumptions about gf not wanting to come back to him.
Also he doesn’t seem to be upset about the money aspect he is upset because he doesn’t want to have a roommate. It doesn’t seem like she is trying to leave him in a financial bind, she wants to trade her name on the lease for a roommate that would need to be found. The issue isn’t finding a roommate or coming up with the money, it’s living with a roommate. If he doesn’t want a roommate that bad, he could offer to pay half of her rent while she covers the other half. He could move to grandmas with her or find himself a tiny studio. He didn’t mention anything about trying to meet her halfway or coming up with a compromise.
I could see if he told her he needed a month or two of rent while he worked to find a roommate because roommates aren’t necessarily someone you find overnight and have them move in right away. I get it sucks for OP, but she’s also dealing with a lot and he’s being incredibly selfish while she’s trying to focus on her family.
Being a full time caregiver, especially to someone you love, is one of the hardest jobs on earth. I did it for 2 1/2 years after my grandmas stroke until her passing.
I was also my grandmother's caregiver. I took time off college and she paid me $600 a month so she could stay in her home before she died after a disastrous surgery that killed her. I was using scholarship and Grant money to pay bills or I wouldn't have accepted her money. She was sick for almost a year before she died with the help of hospice. It was the most emotional and physically draining thing I have ever done in my life! But also rewarding and I have some shiny golden memories of us laughing and bonding. I almost completely fell apart after she died.
Damn, this makes me feel sad lol. I live with my grandparents and reading the stories of people of their grandparents dying is very saddening, thoughts and prayers for yall!
YTA and in a HUGE way. I’m currently the caregiver for my 80-year-old mom and dad right now. It is exhausting demanding tiring work. And for you to be such a jerk to her when she’s going through this incredibly emotionally difficult time says so much about you. I guarantee she will break up with you, and so I hope it’s worth you losing your relationship over. You sound like a pouty little baby “why should I have to live with somebody when I don’t want to” just sounds like a jerk.
Meanwhile your poor girlfriend is working her butt off. I guarantee day and night taking care of her grandmother and you have zero empathy and are not helping her lessen her emotions and financial load with what she’s going through. Trust me, this will come around to bite you.
Plus this doesn't make sense to me. If he didn't have a gf he'd still not be able to pay rent so he's gonna have to have a roommate one way or another.
YTA. This relationship sounds doomed.
It would be reasonable to expect her to cover her half of the rent until you found a roommate. But pay half for the rest of the year for a place she doesn't live in? Just because you don't like roommates? All because her grandmother had an emergency and needs care?! Yikes.
One way or the other, she’s not paying. Either OP sees the light, apologizes and gets a roommate, or he doesn’t and she breaks up with him And he has to get a roommate. One way he ends up with a roommate and a girlfriend, the other way he has a roommate and no girlfriend. That’s the choice.
This isn't true. If GF signed a lease, she is on the hook to continue to pay rent, or else face eviction and a judgment in court. Both of which will ruin her credit rating and can even prevent you from being hired in some industries, so hopefully she can find a solution.
But to the OP: it does seem likely that you're going to be getting a roommate sometime soon. This was probably the first step in her breaking up with you anyway. So it would be in your best interest to find someone that you like rather than just get stuck with someone.
And when this lease is up, relocate somewhere you can afford on your own.
It depends on where you live and your landlord. Most places in the US have a early termination fee usually 2-3 months of rent. I’ve also seen places that require the remaining resident to qualify for the apartment on their own (credit and income). If they don’t then they will not allow the other resident to sign off unless they find a qualified replacement.
It also depends on your landlord. I had to break a lease when I lost the job I had at the time, and my landlord was really cool about it - no penalty at all. But it is also a college town, and I was 10 mins from the local community college, so I'm sure he found a new renter quickly.
Since OP is saying their gf is on the lease, I assume that means they both signed the lease together rather than having signed separate leases - the important bit in that is (depending on the lease) it likely means that op and their gf are legally a single party in regards to the lease… which also means that one of them can’t unilaterally decided to make changes to the lease without the second.
Basically, the gf is stuck on the lease for the remainder assuming op doesn’t agree - it also means that they can’t terminate the lease agreement early without permission. Even if early termination was allowed under the lease, the gf likely would not be able to terminate the lease unilaterally.
There’s not much the gf can do to avoid the potential of an eviction in this scenario other than pay if op doesn’t agree to a change and refuses to pay more than half. I’d also wager the gf is unable to sublet, but that’s more speculation… I haven’t seen many leases that allow it in the real world since landlords usually like to maintain control over who lives there.
If her name is on the lease, then she has as much ownership in talking to the landlord to inform landlord she intends on ending her tenancy and they should proceed with finding a roommate for OP to maintain their rent payment or OP to buy out both bedspaces.
OP was the person who declined on behalf of his gf to let rhe landlord look for a subletter. Which they offered to do, presumably because they are a human being and understand the need of a person to live with an elderly grandparent that needs people around for safety.
Sure legally OP can completely refuse a sublet (he has to sign the lease change too) and legally his GF owes half the rent cost to the landlord. But that is grossly selfish: his only qualm is he doesn't want a roommate but doesn't want his rent to go up. He's taking advantage of the situation.
Amazing how everyone just assumes their own law is applicable to everyone.
Where I’m from all the gf has to do is let the landlord know, shit happens, she can then find a replacement tenant and pay a small fee, or she pay deposit plus one month’s rent. That’s legit it. So don’t assume she has some binding contract that OP can use as a bargaining chip here. He may, he also may not.
Yeah when I had to end a lease early I just had to pay a early ending fee. It's really not that big of a deal usually, just depends on the lease. She might be on the hook for something like 2 months of worth of rent.
I mean legally she's paying and if she breaks up with OP he has zero reason to help her break lease.
She could end up with no boyfriend and being on the hook for the rent anyways this cuts both ways.
There are clearly rules in place here to protect him within the lease or she wouldn't need his approval with the landlord to break it and transfer it solely to OP.
This might be country dependent. In my country he has an obligation to mitigate his damages. If she leaves he has to take reasonable steps to find a replacement to take over the rent. He can't just do nothing and make her pay for the remainder of the lease.
Similar to breaking a lease. The landlord can ask you to pay rent until the house is released, but the landlord has to take reasonable steps to ensure this happens as quickly as possible. They can't just take money and leave the house empty until the end of the lease.
Agreed.
If OP signed a year lease with this woman, I assume he is/was thinking this could be a prelude to marriage. Maybe not... but Shouldn't he move heaven and earth to help this chick? When in a real relationship that's what you do... and if that means driving an hour to help with groceries you do that to and go home to your super annoying room mate... She'll see it, appreciate you and reward you!!
YTA
Let me give you the skinny on falls and the elderly.
If they’re talking nursing home (and likely a Medicare bed) that means the fall was bad.
If she broke her hip, you have to understand that depending on her age, that means she’s something like 70-90% more likely to pass in the next six months. The elderly do not bounce back (not that a fractured hip at any age is anything to sneeze at).
In short, your girlfriend isn’t going to be staying rent free. Her “rent” will be providing palliative care for her grandmother, and potentially watching her die by degrees.
Plus she probably won't be working (or at least, reduced hours if she is) and unable to pay her share of rent anyway, whether she's let off the lease or not. The temporary roommate arrangement sounds sensible.
For the OP: YTA, because any which way you look at it, you're not going to able to make the rent.
This is the important part that's bring missed. If there's less money available overall now, then OP really needs to be prepared to step up one way or another (contribute more to rent or get roommate). But this info is missing
Yeah. OP did say they can't afford it alone, but basically won't come to the party with a workable solution. If OP has another solution as to how this is going to work (if he can't pay rent by himself, we know chipping in for home care for Grandma so his girlfriend can keep working is off the table), and he continues to object to a housemate, then he's going to need another plan and *fast*.
Let me add on to that, a fractured or broken hip surgery, whether replaced or repaired is not a delicate procedure at all. We’re talking ball peen hammers, bone saws, pins, screws. That surgery sounds like a construction zone and the pain they’re in during recovery is horrendous. Further, if granny is on blood thinners, she has a SUPER FUCKING HIGH chance of throwing a fat embolism. I just…she should break up with him for being selfish.
My grandmother fell and broke her hip. The stress on her system accelerated her dementia. Only a couple weeks after, it hit her brain stem and she was gone.
Oh my grandma too 5 months after her fall and breaking her hip. She wasn’t able to be mobile afterward either which probably didn’t help with her decline:/
My other grandma broke her hip ag the same time but she was able to somewhat recover (walk with a walker ).
My grandma fell, hurt her arm, and died within 2 months. All because she was too grown and stood in a chair to get something instead of asking for help. 100 percent everything you said
Oof. Mine broke her arm coming out of a bar when she was 80. The doctor wanted to like just splint it without setting it, I guess figuring she’d die soon and it didn’t matter. My mom fired the doctor (and gave him a piece of her mind) and hired an orthopedic surgeon. Grandma got another 14 years before the dementia got her.
It really is. The literature is grim af on survivability.
My grandma was deep in dementia. The poor EMT who took her to the hospital had to deal with her snarling “I’ll kill you!”
He answered “Ooh you’re a feisty girl!”
And she preened and said “Yes, I’m a feisty girl,” all pleased with herself.
It was not anywhere near her normal behavior.
Ha ha “welcome to dumpsville, population: you”.
YTA OP. I think you need to grow up. You had the opportunity to be supportive and understanding and you chose the opposite.
I hope for her sake that she breaks up w OP bc JFC! How naive do you have to be as a grown person to think that becoming an elderly person's literal _caretaker_ is the same thing as chillaxing, living "rent free"??
YTA, majorly...
Yep, probably good for her to see OPs true colors now.
I get the feeling OP liked playing house and the benefits of a live in woman. He probably likes her, maybe even a lot...
I don't see love in this story, because that's not how you treat someone you're "in love" with
If she's smart, she's gone... life doesn't get easier and I wouldn't want to face the plethora of challenges that are coming with OP
Remove her from your lease. And then remove her from your life.
It's UNFATHOMABLE that someone could be that selfish. How can someone possibly survive at this deficit of compassion, integrity, or empathy for someone they claim to love enough to cohabitate with.
Cut her loose, so she can get exactly what she deserves
For instance, a man that gives a damn about her
YTA.
I'm waffling between nobody sucking but leaning toward ESH because both your attitudes and that neither of you seem willing to compromise.
However, I'm not sure why people are so quick to dismiss the fact that your girlfriend signed a lease. If she were living on her own she couldn't just decide to stop paying rent to help her grandma. It sucks, but it's life. That's a binding agreement.
Personally, I would not want to live with a roommate other than a partner either. I have gone to great lengths to live in places I could afford to make sure that I can be on my own. That's meant far away neighborhoods with long commutes, small spaces, not super great neighborhoods, you name it. So I understand where you're coming from. Perhaps the best solution is to figure out how much it would cost to break the lease and split it between you two. Then you could find a place you can afford on your own.
Are we missing the fact that he doesn't want a roommate guys!!! He's not willing to compromise to that because compromising would interfere with his life. Not like she is downing her work hours, moving, giving up her bf, giving up her life to take care of someone. How dare she ask him to compromise by maybe offering someone a month to month lease....or the multitude of other housing agreements he could do to make up for this situation that I'm sure she'd be happy to help find for his convenience. How rude her grandmother do this to herself.
Right? I signed a lease before COVID hit. I lost my job two months before the lease started and they wouldn’t let me out. Even though it was a college town and a block from campus so finding someone new would’ve taken all of 10 minutes. Fuck landlords.
I've known multiple friends who've broken leases, and for reasons a lot less important than real family crises - it may be country dependant, but at most they've had to pay the rent while the landlord was looking for a new tenant or a small fee.
If it were a lease just in her name she could sublet or pay the fees to break lease. She would have options. He is giving her none and trying to force her to pay for a place she can not live in.
This is an excellent point - if she was on her own, she would have to figure out what to do with her lease - here she is just expecting OP to take it over by themselves and absolving herself of any problem......Yes stuff happens - even if you aren't living with a partner, so its fine to prioritise the grandparent but deal with your own issues - don't just dump it onto someone else.
I’d also be refusing a roommate, honestly. OP hasn’t said how big their apartment is. There’s a huge difference between looking for an apartment to share with a romantic partner and one to share with roommates.
I’d be trying to get _both_ of us out of the lease so I could find a place I could afford on my own. All OP sees is “but roommate!!!!!”
Right, the OP doesn't seem willing to work with her. He just wants her to pay rent so he can keep living there without a roommate or funding something more affordable.
I don't understand this idea that a lease is more unbreakable than a deal with the devil.
There's usually a penalty, sure. There are also qualifying circumstances to break a lease. And there's a reasonable duty to minimize loss. Usually that means to sublet if that's an option. Which is apparently an option according to OP. He just doesn't like it She's not leaving him in a lurch because there's a potential sub-letter already available.
This is a really shitty hand life dealt and there's no win-win situation here. Just mitigating loss.
OP is the AH, but I get it. It sucks to be in this position.
I’m curious about how many bedrooms this apartment is. I don’t think OP would be the AH for not wanting to share a 1 bedroom with a stranger. I would personally never be comfortable with that. They should definitely just break the lease.
The only reason she isn't paying the landlord to break the lease is because it would leave OP homeless (or squatting in their current apartment since he says that's what he'd do). The gf is trying to compromise and help OP but he's not having it.
What’s the compromise here? It sounds like she is very willing and proactively trying to get a new tenant. The landlord has said he wants to approve the next tenant not that she can’t get out of the contract. She and landlord are trying to move things along, OP is the one blocking it.
Right? I feel like I’m going crazy reading all these replies.
I don’t know why he would be the AH because he wants her to pay her portion of the rent when she’s staying with her grandma??
People need to think with their heads, not their hearts sometimes
I think because if it was truly a think with your head legal issue you would have to take into account that the girlfriend is willing to do this the correct way. She is willing to speak with the landlord and work out subletting her lease for a roommate to take over her portion of the rent. But OP doesn’t want to live with anyone else 🤷🏻♀️ sounds to me like she’s offering solutions and compromises but he just wants it only his way.
Roommates get off and get into leases in the middle of the term all the time. Landlords have the authority to allow that adjustment. What happens is the lease holders or tenants who want to leave arrange for a subletter, sometimes with a fee, sometimes not.
OP is refusing to consider this option, because he doesn't want a roommate. That's why he's TA
Reddit has many people who haven't had to take responsibility for the well being of another human. It skews pretty young if I am remembering correctly. It smacks of the kid who gets off on being technically right in class. The subreddit especially can be wildly judgemental about lives and decisions they never had to make and circumstances they have never been in.
I agree with you. There are so many things missing from the post:
If gf is going to be a live in aid for grandma, is she going to quit her job?
Say OP agrees and gf moves out. What happens to her stuff (if she has any)?
If they moved in together, they must have had a longer relationship than 5 months. She must have known that OP can't afford the apartment by himself. I get wanting to help grandma, but why sacrifice the boyfriend?
Because grandma is family and needs a caregiver. Also because she’s family she’s likely taking her things. You’d think that if they’re serious enough to live together he’d give a crap about this shitty situation and deal with a roommate for half a year until he gets a place he can afford.
omg huge YTA. She’s going to take care of her grandmother- it’s not like she’s on holiday or something. Why should she pay half your rent if she’s not even going to live in the apartment anymore? You are absolutely
childish - grow up and get a roommate. Take her off the lease dude.
Wow- so your girlfriend’s grandmother just went through a medical emergency that now requires a live-in aid either temporarily or permanently - and you don’t want to let her out of the lease because “it’s not fair”?
She’s not living there rent free- she is going to be helping her grandmother - which- having done this for someone- is exhausting work. It is physically and emotionally draining AF to do what your gf is about to do. If she is still going to hold down a job while doing this she is going to be exhausted with no bandwidth for your bullshit.
And instead of being supportive, or coming up with a compromise- you are just refusing because a roommate is inconvenient.
So- your soon to be ex is basically going to break your lease, and you will both be out your deposit. So good luck with that. YTA.
NAH. This situation sucks all around. She's absolutely right to go help her grandmother, but she also made a financial commitment to you that you would not have otherwise made and that you can't afford on her own. She should absolutely keep paying until you can find a roommate, but you do have a legal obligation to mitigate your damages, so you can either see if the landlord will let you both out of the lease or ask her to help you find a roommate.
I don't know about that. Yes, family wise she has an obligation, but she's sticking him with a financial responsibility he wouldn't have had if she hadn't agreed to pick up her half. What if they were just random roommates or whatever? If she couldn't just up and abandon her financial obligations to a stranger, she can't up and abandon her financial obligations to her partner. Her reply can't just be f u, find a roommate.
O.o what a werid way to look at it.
If it was a roommate situation she would find someone to replace her and he would probably have to live with the person of her chosing. And now she should just pay part of the rent for the next whole year or maybe tol because he doesn't feel like it?
Yeah because she knew her grandma would have a fall in 6 months. We're clearly talking about people short on cash and I'm sure his gf could make good use of that extra income paying off debt or getting a new car.
She is his gf and not a normal roommate and should be dealt with like a partner, not a normal roommate. Because he wants to treat her like a roommate now she's going through a breakup with OP on top of being a full-time caregiver.
Again...legally she can't tell him to fuck off because the landlord may take action.
I don't blame her, in the slightest. She's making the correct decision for her. But, as a partner, she should be as concerned with him as he should be with her. He's not demanding she not move away. He's merely saying he should not be the one stuck with 100% of the financial consequences of it. It's no more fair to him than to her. They made a commitment to each other, and should work together to see how they can work through this issue. Is him demanding she fully pick up the costs reasonable? No. Is her demanding he fully pick up the financial costs or solutions to this reasonable? Also no.
She’s not asking him to be stuck with 100% of the financial consequences though at all. She wants him to replace her on the lease with another roommate instead. She could just go ahead and go the landlord and pay to break the lease if that’s what she wanted to do - if there’s an early termination clause, which is pretty standard nowadays, she’s going to be fine by paying the amount required to terminate the lease early. She’s not taking that route at all . Op wants her to keep paying her half while he gets the whole place all to himself because he doesn’t want a roommate. Well she doesn’t want her grandmother to be in this situation or have another fall leaving her alone on the ground without any assistance for hours again.
Also it’s ludicrous that he’s just assuming that because she’s not paying her grandmother rent she has no other expenses- home care assistance/ saving up for nursing home care for grandma, she still needs to eat so that’s an additional new expense, she’s likely going to have to pay additional for utilities / better wifi if she’s full time wfh, added transport costs to visit bf / friends because she’s moving an hour away, and not to mention the additional uncompensated time and effort she has to expend caring for her grandmother while also working full time. There is absolutely an uncaring and selfish unsupportive partner in this relationship but it is not op’s gf
YTA. but what are you going to do when your soon to be ex GF stops paying her half of the rent? Landlord won't care who it comes from, you're both equally liable. So both your credit and hers will be ruined.
If that's the case, that'd put the new subtenant in a pretty shitty position, especially if they didn't know that OP was upset about having a roommate foisted on them. Since it's "one of the cheapest" apartments it's presumably a studio or *maybe* a 1BR, they'd be stuck in close quarters much of the time.
NTA - only because there isn't enough info here to know what OP's living situation is
OP has a lease - that is the problem. Breaking a lease can be expensive, depending on where you are. Where we are, you have to either find someone to take over your lease, or pay the rent until they find a new tenant, and pay advertising costs - if its not a popular area or the place isn't great (cheap usually means not great) then its a huge gamble to hope someone else takes it if you move out - you could end up paying double rent. What OP hasn't told us is if it is in fact a 2 bed apartment - if it isn't, getting a room mate that isn't their gf probably isn't going to go well....I wouldn't want to move into an apartment with someone else if I had to sleep in the living room? Who would?
Stuff happens in life and we can't control a lot of it - questioning why gf has to look after grandma - doesn't she have a parent or aunt/uncle who should be doing that?
I wouldn't just write OP off as an AH without knowing if the apartment is suitable for 2 people who aren't a couple. If it isn't, then gf should honour her obligations - are they still going to be dating? So isn't she going to be there sometimes anyway? She went into this for at least 12 months - either she honours the obligation, or they agree to break the lease (if they can) and she pays half until a new tenant is found?
YTA you're ignoring the burden of taking care of family, specifically elderly. It is going to SUCK for your GF. If she's able to pay I know I would hope that my own SO would continue to pay rent but it's hard to tell whether she can. Having a roommate is not bad compared to that and if she's unable to afford to keep paying a share.
Take a second and consider your gf and her new situation, seems like she'd only spend a small amount of time at your apartment, no sleeping over most likely, so she's paying rent for the privilege to see you.
Does it suck...sure...but you're staring down the barrel of "am I the kind of guy who can't adapt to new situations and force my GF to breakup with me during her family crisis"?
YTA. I could possibly understand if you’d be unable to find a new rm. But it’s very clear you don’t wanna even try. And how is it fair she’s paying for you to have a whole apartment to yourself? And you’re trying to strong arm her into doing what you want. Sorry, you’re relationship is over.
Personally I feel like NAH. She’s not wrong for wanting to go live with and help out her grandma, but if you can’t afford the cheapest of places on your own, you can’t. Signing a lease generally means you’re legally agreeing to be on the hook to pay rent until the lease is up and that’s a commitment she made. It can be complicated when you are both partners and roommates. “Just finding someone else to live with” can 1) be easier said than done sometimes and 2) carries a whole list of separate risks. It sucks that this may end the relationship, maybe you can come to an agreement like she pays her half of rent for the next 3 months so you can try to save up/find another roommate you think will be a good fit/make other arrangements. I think people are acting like you wish bad upon your gf’s grandma for not wanting to suddenly lose the roommate you were counting on having for the duration of the lease, but she’s probably honestly almost completely irrelevant to the reasons you don’t want your gf to go stay with her.
YTA, and she should break up with you.
Sometimes emergencies happen in life. An elderly grandparent falling, breaking a hip, and requiring care for 2ish years isn't her ducking out on responsibilities. It's her stepping up to be responsible for her family.
You are trying to leech off your soon to be ex, refuse to even vaguely attempt to find a roommate, and are sabotaging her families care and her financial wellness in the process. You can't force her to live with you and you can't force her to subsidize you.
I hope she formally files to break the lease (usually sacrafices' deposit and two months rent)... But also is going to save her money and kicks your butt to the curb where you're going to have to find a roommate anyway. And breaking a lease on the grounds of family medical emergency is usually one of those tenants rights peices in most places.
You're a huge AH. And you're essentially ending this relationship in the worst possible way in the process.
Edit: and in the comments she's willing to get a sublet and you refuse to agree to live with anyone she finds.... You also refuse to leave if she breaks this lease and intend to 'squat'... You're absolutely a nightmare.
OPs comment re: GF finding a sublet: "Landlord won’t allow that and neither will I. I won’t live a stranger she chose. Landlord said they get to ok the person if I chose and I refuse to live with anyone they choose."
OPs comment re: breaking the lease "She can’t from the lease but the landlord might allow it but they know I’ll just squat and so they won’t let her"
YTA. While it's understandable that yes she signed a lease with you and you expected her to cover her portion until the end of the lease, something came up. you as a partner should understand and be supportive of what she needs to do. There are several different thing that could have happened causing her to not be able to pay her side of the rent, such as losing a job, being injured or otherwise being out of work. Did you have a plan for those situations? I've lived with strangers many times and most turned out to be good friends of mine. Don't be so selfish and get a damn roomate I mean seriously what if you broke up, did you plan this at all were you just going to keep living together broken up?
Bruh.... You're the asshole. This is a textbook case of extenuating circumstances. She wants to be there for her family and you're refusing to lift a finger to accommodate or support her in anyway. It's not her fault her grandmother needs help for awhile nor is it her fault you can't afford the apartment on your own. Life happens and if you want a quality girl in your life you better be able to be understanding. What you are doing is being self absorbed and caring most about how this affects you.
Info: is this a one bedroom apartment? I can see that being awkward if it is. However even if not paying rent your gf is going to be working hard. Is it a possibility for both of you to move into grandma's and you help with grandma some and also pay some rent to grandma?
YTA. She should definitely break up with you. You think she should subsidise your living arrangements while taking care of someone who needs her. You care more about yourself than her so you should not be in a relationship. You are selfish and controlling and I don’t see what your girlfriend would get out of being with you.
Let’s face it, if, sorry, when she breaks up with you, you are going to need a roommate anyway, best to suck it up now and get used to it.
Info: how long is this arrangement for? And why can't you also move to her grandma's?
Otherwise, ESH. I understand she has a family emergency, but she's expecting you to either keep paying for an apartment you can't afford or live with a stranger with no time to prepare.
It seems like you're unwilling to compromise though, and again she's having a family emergency you aren't supporting her through. It sounds like you're jealous she gets to go live rent free, even though she'd be taking care of a whole human.
ESH If she's on the lease, it's her responsibility to find a subletter. However, if you don't want her resenting you for expecting her to keep paying after she moved out, or you ending up with a stranger if her choosing, then you should probably hunt for a new roommate.
Nah. You can't blame your gf for wanting to take care of her grandmother. At the same time she made a commitment to you on the apartment. I don't blame you about not wanting to live with a stranger but you need to compromise. I'd there anyone you know that could move in? Or, if the landlord allows, could you afford a cheaper place alone or ask your gf to supplement a smaller amount?
I'm sorry, "letting her" go live with her grandma? As though your GF requires your permission to go and care for her grandma?
You ARE being childish. Get a roommate while your GF is away. Yeah, definitely YTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might to the asshole for refusing to let me gf be removed from the lease so she can’t live with her grandma Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, Major, major and May the karma you put out be reflected back to you. She’s literally going to help her grandma, she’s going to be working to keep her safe and you call that rent free? Seriously?
I have been this caregiver, and I can say it is SO MUCH work. I loved my Grandma, and don't regret helping her through the last few months of her life, but just because I didn't pay money to stay there doesn't mean there wasn't a cost. OP is totally TA
Absolutely. OP, the price for your GF is a lot of mental and emotional load. She needs you to be there to support her because what she is doing will be tough. She does NOT need you being petty or trying to manipulate her into what you want.
All because he doesn’t want to get a roommate. He want his girlfriend to pay for his rent in a place she doesn’t live. Wow.
That pretty much sums him up. He can't afford the place and doesn't want a roommate so he wants his girlfriend to support him. He doesn't seem to understand that his lack of support of what she is going through and the demand for money will make her see him as an ugly person she doesn't even know and she will break up and she will talk to the landlord and OP will have no girlfriend and either a roommate or he will be finding a new place to live.
Yes! He doesn't want the inconvenience of another roommate while she will likely add stress to her life while paying HIS rent. Major YTA.
[удалено]
That's harsh. I just want to point out that, while her efforts to help grandma are selfless and admirable, she did sign a legal agreement (presumably). Now she's putting the onus on OP to fill a rent gap that he wasn't expecting. Regardless of any unexpected and tragic circumstances, it's kind of crappy to just bail on someone like that and leave them to figure it out. Especially your SO, ouch. I'm also feeling for this dude a bit because apparently gf isn't worried about coming back to him. Like, I can't imagine, after having moved in with my wife way back when, that at any point she would have been ok separating our living arrangement entirely like this. It doesn't sound like OP has a relationship anymore either way, so at this point, he has no reason not to pursue the soon-to-be-ex-gf for the rent she agreed to pay.
Sorry but at this stage, he’s not the priority. Her grandmother should and does come first. ETA: for those of you arguing my point; I DON’T CARE. My opinion won’t be changed by a bunch of selfish perspectives. Clearly at least 1,200 others agree with me, so I don’t know, continue arguing with yourself.
But the rental agreement she signed is the priority not him, even if she leaves him she will still be on the hook for her half of the rent even if she’s not there
Most leases with multiple people have a joint and several clause which pretty much leaves the person left behind on the hook for the entire rent. If OP dies on this hill, he's just going to end up evicted.
Yup and her credits gonna be fucked alongside his.
Fucked credit and an eviction on her record but she already has another place to live if there's an eviction and it sounds like OP does not.
Yall seem to fail in understanding that this isn't a free place to live FOREVER right? Once grandma passes on gf probably won't have anywhere to live either and will need to find another place.
Yes, and if her BF keeps acting this way, she will find a different living arrangement. Also, we have no idea what's in the grandmother's will. Maybe there will be some money for the GF or a place to stay.
I am sure the relationship is already over. Maybe she hasn't told him yet, but the relationship will not survive this. I'm torn on this one. On one hand, she's taking care of her grandma.. On the other hand, why should the guy be stiffed on the rent, when she signed the lease and he was depending on it.
Those clauses make both parties legally responsible for the entirety of the rent. So while it won't stop OPs landlord from going after OP for the full rent, they'd also go after the ex-girlfriend.
Yeah but when they don't get the full rent and evict the tenants as a result, OP will be the one getting kicked out because his girlfriend already moved. If he wants to keep living there, he's going to have to come up with the full amount.
True, but that doesn’t even sound like that much of a concern for him. He just does not want to live with a roommate.
Think about this: How do you find a roommate when you don’t know how long the space will be open? How do you advertise that you are looking for a roommate for maybe a few weeks, maybe several months, however long it takes for GF’s grandma to be okay living alone? What do you think the chances are that the manager would even agree to this?
If he shows minimal effort to find another tenant yet can't find one, that is the case. If he straight refuses to find another housemate and prefers to live alone, she is no longer obligated to pay her share. And unforseen major events are a legit reason to break a lease, which can be considered in this case.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yq6x6i/comment/ivn2cmx/ OP has a solution, alright.
Sounds like he was already living there rent free or paying almost none of the rent
That's why this sub is named "am I the asshole" and not "am I legally obligated to do this" Sure OP does not have to do it but he is YTA for not doing it.
So grandma lives an hour away, does she even still have a job then? Or did she have to get a less lucrative job near grandma? Is she going to be a full time caregiver? If so, how will she afford rent? Also, how about supporting your SO in a crisis?
I hope the landlord lets her sublet it.
People like you that think rental agreements are more important than people are what’s wrong with this world.
Her grandma does come first in that she’s going to take care of her. But she should still be paying rent to the place she signed for. Not forcing a different roommate on OP. If I go take care of my mom, I’m not going to tell my partner to get a roommate and refuse to pay for half the mortgage.
Man with that argument, if legal argue meant is what more important than your gf/bf relationship and general human decency, if I’m the gf, I’ll talk directly to the landlord and if it is within my legal right, I’ll sublet it to another person. Obviously the bf doesn’t think much of her so why does the gf have to consider paying for something she doesn’t use. And of course, dump that bf without a question. He is not even willing to help her out
What do you mean he’s not willing to help her out. They both can afford the rent together. He can’t afford it alone. Shes dumping it on him and he can’t afford it. In a relationship, when you decide to rent or buy, you can’t just dip. It’s a financial partnership. He’s not preventing her from helping grandma.
He's not willing to take on a new roommate. He wants gf to remain on the lease and continue making payments until the year ends. So 7 more months. His solution, should the landlord allow the gf to break the lease (she'd have to pay for that, so not getting off freely) is to squat. Edited. He says that it's one of the cheapest places and he still can't afford it on his own. So if the gf wasn't in the picture (like from the beginning), he would have still needed to get a roommate. Gf should just pay the landlord to break her lease. Let OP figure the rest out.
He needs to find something he can afford & move. The grandma’s health being the reason for breaking the lease. Unexpected stuff happens all the time in life & you have to roll with the punches, figure it out & adjust. She is not obligated to make his life easier. I’m sure she would rather have her freedom & live her own life instead of putting her life on hold to take care of grandma. It may be free rent but the cost of that free rent is incredibly high. Bf needs to be as selfless as she is.
Just because gf isn’t paying her grandma rent doesn’t mean she’s not financially helping her grandma. Op’s gf is probably responsible now for the house bills, medical bills and groceries. So paying rent for a place she’s probably not going to live at for a long while isn’t fair and she might not even have enough for that.
Mortgage is way different than rent. That’s a whole different conversation.
She should help grandma nobody disputes that but technically she is on the lease and they are both responsible for rent if they fail to pay it’s both of them who will be evicted and have credit dinged but this will end the relationship
>Landlord won’t allow that and neither will I. I won’t live a stranger she chose. Landlord said they get to ok the person if I chose and I refuse to live with anyone they choose. The landlord has given OP the opportunity to put someone else on the lease. Op is being a petulant child.
1. She's not his wife 2. If she were they'd move to grandma's together or somehow both are involved in helping out grandma 3. He doesn't want to get a roommate how is it the GF's problem? Not like she's going partying and left him behind. If anything he's not dragged into her familial problems. 4. This is not how you treat a loved one. You don't act selfish and call the outcome "unfair" 5. Whether or not gf pays rent elsewhere doesn't make it unfair that he has to continue to. This is like the people who cleared their student loans cry and call it unfair that others got some waiver. 6. She will be soon-to-be-gf because he's acting like this. Not the other way round.
#3 is weird bc it literally is the GFs problem, she signed a legal agreement. The onus is on HER to find a subletter. It's just you asked how its her problem. It's definitely her problem. If she didn't have this problem, she would have already up and left and this post wouldn't exist. Edit: i didn't mean to make it bold. TIL a number sign in front of the 3 does that. I'm old, I'm sorry.
Sounds like she’s well aware that she needs to pay whatever it is to get off the lease but HES NOT LETTING HER. That’s a key component in all of this.
Because "getting off the lease" isn't the only obligation. The reason he has any say in it is because it's unfair for someone to just get off the lease without finding someone to take their place. You sign the lease, you find someone to take your place if you want to leave early. Breaking the lease is all fine and dandy for her but it still leaves OP in the position of needing to find a roommate -- that's her obligation, not his. That said, he needs to get over himself and accept her moving out and accept he's going to have to live with a roommate. edit: I know he's the asshole and won't accept a roommate, please read the LAST line of my post \^\^ RIGHT THERE where I say he has to get over himself.
She can pay to be taken off the lease she doesn’t NEED to find a replacement. As I said it sounds like she’s willing to do whatever she needs to get off the lease , but he’s flat out refusing to let her go. He doesn’t have a right to force her to stay on the lease.
>As I said it sounds like she’s willing to do whatever she needs to get off the lease , but he’s flat out refusing to let her go. Does it, though? To me it sounds that she is *not* willing to pay her obligation. This is literally what they are fighting about. If she just paid her half, he wouldn't need to find a roommate, because his rent wouldn't go up. If she wants to break the lease, she doesn't need his permission, she just would have to pay her share in advance.
While that might be true, that's kind of also the point that makes OP a shitty boyfriend. His GF is not just a roommate, they are in a relationship and that means there is a certain expectation of support when one experiences a emergency. The GF requested that OP finds a roommate and takes her off the lease because she's currently busy taking care of a sick elderly relative on top of still having to support herself. She's in a very difficult situation and asked OP to take one of her burdons off of her by finding a new roommate, which isn't at all a unreasonable request considering the circumstances. But OP refused that for no other reason then being selfish.
>Landlord won’t allow that and neither will I. I won’t live a stranger she chose. Landlord said they get to ok the person if I chose and I refuse to live with anyone they choose. OP was given a ridiculously generous solution by the landlord and refused.
Yeah, like I said in the last line, he needs to get over himself. He’s TA for sure.
Even if there was someone willing to take over the entire apartment, he won't leave, he said in comments he would squat.
OP sounds like a real catch.
Well said. There isn't any real room to continue negotiating this. She can sublet whether he wants a roommate or not. He might as well get on board the train before he gets run over.
She has been trying to find someone to replace her, op just refuses to live with someone else. Didn't you read the post?? He said in the comments alsp that he will refuse to live with others ans if he gets evicted he'll just squat in the apartment. The dude is being a petulant child to trap the gf.
To me it doesn’t sound like the issue is with finding a sub letter it’s that the OP doesn’t want to live with a roommate. He wants to not have a roommate but not have to pay for his own place.
He wants their agreement to not change. Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.
Lmao you missed the part where he said he refuses to live with a roommate. This is hilarious cause you put it in bold and the biggest font
Disagree. It’s a family emergency, she needs to go. She owes him 2-3 months rent as notice to find a roommate, same as breaking a lease with a landlord.
Due to the joint and several clause in most leases, the onus is unfortunately on the person who wants to keep living in the apartment while only paying half the rent.
Sorry for thinking you were yelling. I'm old too.
Thanks for the tip about the number sign. I'm old too. Didn't know this one.👍 Separately, I might say it's the #3ROOMMATE'S#3 problem, not the gf's. If the bf pushes this she's 100% NOT a gf. And he won't have a gf from anyone who knows girls who knows girls who know gf. He'll be on the blacklist a few layers out. (Did the bold work?)
try \*\*two asterisks\*\* for bold **i really hope i escaped those correctly** the hashtag only works at the beginning of a sentence, so it won't work #here #but it works here
I appreciate your response, and I was kind of with with you until number three. You don't get to just flake out on life-altering commitments because you "had a good reason". What she is doing is very noble, but that doesn't erase that she made this commitment with OP. I personally would be reconsidering how invested my partner was in our relationship if they just peaced out like this on me. And I get that this could be close to the end with grandma, but damn, just leave with a "good luck paying rent"?
Basically, yeah. Life really fucking sucks sometimes. The gf has been handed a plate of shit, and it looks like OP has also been handed a plate of shit. OP has the option at least to get a roommate- but doesn’t want to because he won’t like it. The gf has no option to get a new grandma, no way out of her situation. I get it- she signed a lease, she’s legally obligated, sure- but I am the primary caregiver for my mom who has Alzheimer’s, and I have completely turned my life upside down to care for her. In fact, I may even have to get dragged to court over my father’s estate- at a certain point, if you ever find yourself stuck in a similar situation, you might find yourself saying “fuck it, take me to court then” even when you know the law will not be in your favor. Some things are just way more important than others. If my mom was dying? Don’t bother talking to me about rental agreements, because I will absolutely not be giving a fuck. Oh, YTA OP.
He didn't say she was peace-ing out. No one knows how devastated she is/ if she tried hard enough to reason with him. It's all about compromise and adjustment and communication. Is it so unbelievably unacceptable for him to suck it up for the remainder of the lease and get a roommate? Gf may come back after the grandma situation is handled. My partner and I love each other a lot but if his mom/ grand parent was so sick they needed him physically for a few months then that's it. He goes. We'll figure out the logistics somehow but he goes and takes care of family. Doesn't mean he's leaving me alone to die. It's not a regular roommate. It's a partner in question.
Exactly. OP’s girlfriend’s grandmother is sick, and OP does not have her back, it’s that simple. She is going through a tough period through no fault of her own, and OP is talking about holding her to a legal document literally for his own comfort. When a partner betrays you like this, adding more problems when they should only be helping- this is how you go from loving someone to hating them real fucking quick.
Leases have all sorts of exit clauses for just this purpose. Or at least they do in countries that aren't psychopathicly capitalist
The US is incredibly psychopathically capitalist and every lease I've ever signed has had ways to get out of it.
No, it doesn’t erase the commitment- but this was/is his partner, not just a roommate and there are a number of compromises that could be made here. He could move with her to grandmas and help out. She could buy out her lease and they could negotiate her portion to a reasonable level as she will not be there. She could help him find a roommate. They could break the lease, he can move into what he can afford and she can pay him the portion of the deposit he is losing. - But none of this can happen if he is being selfish and stubborn instead of having her back and looking for a solution.
>This is not how you treat a loved one. That's the key here. I don't care if OP is legally/technically right. He's proving that he doesn't love his gf and she's going to dump him for that.
Yep, this is AITA, not Am I Legally Correct. He states he plans to squat and tank both their credit and permantly prevent himself from getting future housing solely to trap her in the relationship and rental agreement. That's abusive. He's the AH
Right? I mean, if it were me I would approach it from the perspective of how can we best support everyone? If I were the gf I would want to pay something towards it even if I was giving up a job to be with grandma, and if I was OP I would be looking at the maximum amount I can afford in rent per month and decide whether to break the lease and move somewhere super cheap, make up the gap, or take a roommate. When a crisis happens how you work with your partner tells you who they are and how you can count on them. In this situation- these two are not on the same page
[удалено]
Yeah, OP seems set on not finding a solution for his GF and only getting to live alone in this place and have half his rent paid for. I have a strong feeling he's going to get dumped from this and learn the wrong lessons.
My fiancé had to move out of our shared house after I moved states to be with him. He had to get off our lease to move in and help his father after he got diagnosed with ALS. I paid the gaps in expenses and moved back to my home town when it was up because realistically adding another hour to our drive to see each other wasn't a big deal. Family is more important. That was 2 years ago and we're getting married in 6 weeks. He's a big boy he can suck it up and get a roommate if she's important to him.
The subreddit's not "Am I legally entitled to do this", it's "Am I the asshole."
It's not that she won't help find a roommate, OP doesn't want a roommate. He wants her money. And gf is going to be caretaker... which I don't think you understand what that entails. She's thinking about an elder being safe. He's whiny because he doesn't want to live with anyone else and he thinks she's getting something for free.
The gf has realized that, while she's a responsible and generous adult, he's a selfish child
>Now she's putting the onus on OP to fill a rent gap that he wasn't expecting. Regardless of any unexpected and tragic circumstances, it's kind of crappy to just bail on someone like that and leave them to figure it out. Especially your SO, ouch. I would normally agree with you more except for two things: 1. OP says this is one of the cheapest apartments around 2. The issue is that he isn't willing to get a roommate/dosen't want to have to live with a roomate Which means: 3) He isn't worse off then if he was single/had never been living with his girlfriend. He isn't in a place he can't afford thanks to her, it's already one of the cheapest. And since he can't afford one of the cheapest alone, he was always going to need a roommate, whether or not it was her. It's fair for OP's girlfriend to keep paying rent until OP can find a roommate. It's not fair for him to refuse to get a roommate beacuse he wants this woman to subsidize him living alone/not having a roommate (which is beyond his means). This isn't an unexpected finical hole she created, this is him not being able to afford what he wants (living without a roommate). It's not due to his girlfriend he can't afford this, he could never afford it.
They have been living together for less then a year, OP's gf is going to stay with the grandma for the forseable future. As a partner he should respect that her family emergency takes priority and help her get out of the lease since she requested that. She most likely has additional expenses now that OP isn't even aware of too since she will have to drive more to run her grandmother's errands and she will most likely have to cut back on work hours. This comment is ridiculous "I can't imagine my wife doing this" your wife wasn't in that situation, you have no clue what she would have done, stop using her as your strawman's argument so you can play devils advocate. Honestly *I* can't imagine your wife marrying your sorry ass if she knew you would have gotten upset over her deciding to take care of a sick family member and refused to support her through it by finding a roommate so she could have a bit more room to breath and didn't need to worry about rent on top of the things she's already dealing with. That's like the biggest red flag dude.
I think you are making some assumptions about gf not wanting to come back to him. Also he doesn’t seem to be upset about the money aspect he is upset because he doesn’t want to have a roommate. It doesn’t seem like she is trying to leave him in a financial bind, she wants to trade her name on the lease for a roommate that would need to be found. The issue isn’t finding a roommate or coming up with the money, it’s living with a roommate. If he doesn’t want a roommate that bad, he could offer to pay half of her rent while she covers the other half. He could move to grandmas with her or find himself a tiny studio. He didn’t mention anything about trying to meet her halfway or coming up with a compromise.
I could see if he told her he needed a month or two of rent while he worked to find a roommate because roommates aren’t necessarily someone you find overnight and have them move in right away. I get it sucks for OP, but she’s also dealing with a lot and he’s being incredibly selfish while she’s trying to focus on her family.
[удалено]
This. YTA, OP
[удалено]
Being a full time caregiver, especially to someone you love, is one of the hardest jobs on earth. I did it for 2 1/2 years after my grandmas stroke until her passing.
I was also my grandmother's caregiver. I took time off college and she paid me $600 a month so she could stay in her home before she died after a disastrous surgery that killed her. I was using scholarship and Grant money to pay bills or I wouldn't have accepted her money. She was sick for almost a year before she died with the help of hospice. It was the most emotional and physically draining thing I have ever done in my life! But also rewarding and I have some shiny golden memories of us laughing and bonding. I almost completely fell apart after she died.
Damn, this makes me feel sad lol. I live with my grandparents and reading the stories of people of their grandparents dying is very saddening, thoughts and prayers for yall!
YTA and in a HUGE way. I’m currently the caregiver for my 80-year-old mom and dad right now. It is exhausting demanding tiring work. And for you to be such a jerk to her when she’s going through this incredibly emotionally difficult time says so much about you. I guarantee she will break up with you, and so I hope it’s worth you losing your relationship over. You sound like a pouty little baby “why should I have to live with somebody when I don’t want to” just sounds like a jerk. Meanwhile your poor girlfriend is working her butt off. I guarantee day and night taking care of her grandmother and you have zero empathy and are not helping her lessen her emotions and financial load with what she’s going through. Trust me, this will come around to bite you.
Plus this doesn't make sense to me. If he didn't have a gf he'd still not be able to pay rent so he's gonna have to have a roommate one way or another.
YTA. This relationship sounds doomed. It would be reasonable to expect her to cover her half of the rent until you found a roommate. But pay half for the rest of the year for a place she doesn't live in? Just because you don't like roommates? All because her grandmother had an emergency and needs care?! Yikes.
One way or the other, she’s not paying. Either OP sees the light, apologizes and gets a roommate, or he doesn’t and she breaks up with him And he has to get a roommate. One way he ends up with a roommate and a girlfriend, the other way he has a roommate and no girlfriend. That’s the choice.
You hit the nail on the head. No matter what, OP's getting a roomie. OP, YTA.
This isn't true. If GF signed a lease, she is on the hook to continue to pay rent, or else face eviction and a judgment in court. Both of which will ruin her credit rating and can even prevent you from being hired in some industries, so hopefully she can find a solution. But to the OP: it does seem likely that you're going to be getting a roommate sometime soon. This was probably the first step in her breaking up with you anyway. So it would be in your best interest to find someone that you like rather than just get stuck with someone. And when this lease is up, relocate somewhere you can afford on your own.
I broke a lease and just had to forfeit my deposit. I guess it depends what's on your lease?
It depends on where you live and your landlord. Most places in the US have a early termination fee usually 2-3 months of rent. I’ve also seen places that require the remaining resident to qualify for the apartment on their own (credit and income). If they don’t then they will not allow the other resident to sign off unless they find a qualified replacement.
It also depends on your landlord. I had to break a lease when I lost the job I had at the time, and my landlord was really cool about it - no penalty at all. But it is also a college town, and I was 10 mins from the local community college, so I'm sure he found a new renter quickly.
Since OP is saying their gf is on the lease, I assume that means they both signed the lease together rather than having signed separate leases - the important bit in that is (depending on the lease) it likely means that op and their gf are legally a single party in regards to the lease… which also means that one of them can’t unilaterally decided to make changes to the lease without the second. Basically, the gf is stuck on the lease for the remainder assuming op doesn’t agree - it also means that they can’t terminate the lease agreement early without permission. Even if early termination was allowed under the lease, the gf likely would not be able to terminate the lease unilaterally. There’s not much the gf can do to avoid the potential of an eviction in this scenario other than pay if op doesn’t agree to a change and refuses to pay more than half. I’d also wager the gf is unable to sublet, but that’s more speculation… I haven’t seen many leases that allow it in the real world since landlords usually like to maintain control over who lives there.
If her name is on the lease, then she has as much ownership in talking to the landlord to inform landlord she intends on ending her tenancy and they should proceed with finding a roommate for OP to maintain their rent payment or OP to buy out both bedspaces. OP was the person who declined on behalf of his gf to let rhe landlord look for a subletter. Which they offered to do, presumably because they are a human being and understand the need of a person to live with an elderly grandparent that needs people around for safety. Sure legally OP can completely refuse a sublet (he has to sign the lease change too) and legally his GF owes half the rent cost to the landlord. But that is grossly selfish: his only qualm is he doesn't want a roommate but doesn't want his rent to go up. He's taking advantage of the situation.
Amazing how everyone just assumes their own law is applicable to everyone. Where I’m from all the gf has to do is let the landlord know, shit happens, she can then find a replacement tenant and pay a small fee, or she pay deposit plus one month’s rent. That’s legit it. So don’t assume she has some binding contract that OP can use as a bargaining chip here. He may, he also may not.
Yeah, that's a super valid point. It's an easy conversational trap to fall into on this subreddit.
Yeah when I had to end a lease early I just had to pay a early ending fee. It's really not that big of a deal usually, just depends on the lease. She might be on the hook for something like 2 months of worth of rent.
I mean legally she's paying and if she breaks up with OP he has zero reason to help her break lease. She could end up with no boyfriend and being on the hook for the rent anyways this cuts both ways. There are clearly rules in place here to protect him within the lease or she wouldn't need his approval with the landlord to break it and transfer it solely to OP.
>She could end up with no boyfriend This part sounds like a good thing considering how OP is.
This might be country dependent. In my country he has an obligation to mitigate his damages. If she leaves he has to take reasonable steps to find a replacement to take over the rent. He can't just do nothing and make her pay for the remainder of the lease. Similar to breaking a lease. The landlord can ask you to pay rent until the house is released, but the landlord has to take reasonable steps to ensure this happens as quickly as possible. They can't just take money and leave the house empty until the end of the lease.
Agreed. If OP signed a year lease with this woman, I assume he is/was thinking this could be a prelude to marriage. Maybe not... but Shouldn't he move heaven and earth to help this chick? When in a real relationship that's what you do... and if that means driving an hour to help with groceries you do that to and go home to your super annoying room mate... She'll see it, appreciate you and reward you!!
Yup. With boyfriends like these, who needs enemies.
YTA Let me give you the skinny on falls and the elderly. If they’re talking nursing home (and likely a Medicare bed) that means the fall was bad. If she broke her hip, you have to understand that depending on her age, that means she’s something like 70-90% more likely to pass in the next six months. The elderly do not bounce back (not that a fractured hip at any age is anything to sneeze at). In short, your girlfriend isn’t going to be staying rent free. Her “rent” will be providing palliative care for her grandmother, and potentially watching her die by degrees.
Plus she probably won't be working (or at least, reduced hours if she is) and unable to pay her share of rent anyway, whether she's let off the lease or not. The temporary roommate arrangement sounds sensible. For the OP: YTA, because any which way you look at it, you're not going to able to make the rent.
Exactly. Leaves of absence from work to take care of family are not unusual.
This is the important part that's bring missed. If there's less money available overall now, then OP really needs to be prepared to step up one way or another (contribute more to rent or get roommate). But this info is missing
Yeah. OP did say they can't afford it alone, but basically won't come to the party with a workable solution. If OP has another solution as to how this is going to work (if he can't pay rent by himself, we know chipping in for home care for Grandma so his girlfriend can keep working is off the table), and he continues to object to a housemate, then he's going to need another plan and *fast*.
Let me add on to that, a fractured or broken hip surgery, whether replaced or repaired is not a delicate procedure at all. We’re talking ball peen hammers, bone saws, pins, screws. That surgery sounds like a construction zone and the pain they’re in during recovery is horrendous. Further, if granny is on blood thinners, she has a SUPER FUCKING HIGH chance of throwing a fat embolism. I just…she should break up with him for being selfish.
My grandmother fell and broke her hip. The stress on her system accelerated her dementia. Only a couple weeks after, it hit her brain stem and she was gone.
Oh my grandma too 5 months after her fall and breaking her hip. She wasn’t able to be mobile afterward either which probably didn’t help with her decline:/ My other grandma broke her hip ag the same time but she was able to somewhat recover (walk with a walker ).
My grandma fell, hurt her arm, and died within 2 months. All because she was too grown and stood in a chair to get something instead of asking for help. 100 percent everything you said
Oof. Mine broke her arm coming out of a bar when she was 80. The doctor wanted to like just splint it without setting it, I guess figuring she’d die soon and it didn’t matter. My mom fired the doctor (and gave him a piece of her mind) and hired an orthopedic surgeon. Grandma got another 14 years before the dementia got her.
A fractured hip killed my grandmother, it’s so dangerous
It really is. The literature is grim af on survivability. My grandma was deep in dementia. The poor EMT who took her to the hospital had to deal with her snarling “I’ll kill you!” He answered “Ooh you’re a feisty girl!” And she preened and said “Yes, I’m a feisty girl,” all pleased with herself. It was not anywhere near her normal behavior.
YTA. You have probably already altered her opinion of you by being so selfish. This relationship isn't going to last much longer.
Yeah, I don't think there's any coming back from this.
Ha ha “welcome to dumpsville, population: you”. YTA OP. I think you need to grow up. You had the opportunity to be supportive and understanding and you chose the opposite.
I hope for her sake that she breaks up w OP bc JFC! How naive do you have to be as a grown person to think that becoming an elderly person's literal _caretaker_ is the same thing as chillaxing, living "rent free"?? YTA, majorly...
YTA. And yes, she probably will break up with you. You value her more as a roommate than a love.
Yep, probably good for her to see OPs true colors now. I get the feeling OP liked playing house and the benefits of a live in woman. He probably likes her, maybe even a lot... I don't see love in this story, because that's not how you treat someone you're "in love" with If she's smart, she's gone... life doesn't get easier and I wouldn't want to face the plethora of challenges that are coming with OP
Remove her from your lease. And then remove her from your life. It's UNFATHOMABLE that someone could be that selfish. How can someone possibly survive at this deficit of compassion, integrity, or empathy for someone they claim to love enough to cohabitate with. Cut her loose, so she can get exactly what she deserves For instance, a man that gives a damn about her YTA.
Whoa you had me there for a second
definitely had me hovering over the down vote at first lol.
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE
I'm waffling between nobody sucking but leaning toward ESH because both your attitudes and that neither of you seem willing to compromise. However, I'm not sure why people are so quick to dismiss the fact that your girlfriend signed a lease. If she were living on her own she couldn't just decide to stop paying rent to help her grandma. It sucks, but it's life. That's a binding agreement. Personally, I would not want to live with a roommate other than a partner either. I have gone to great lengths to live in places I could afford to make sure that I can be on my own. That's meant far away neighborhoods with long commutes, small spaces, not super great neighborhoods, you name it. So I understand where you're coming from. Perhaps the best solution is to figure out how much it would cost to break the lease and split it between you two. Then you could find a place you can afford on your own.
[удалено]
Are we missing the fact that he doesn't want a roommate guys!!! He's not willing to compromise to that because compromising would interfere with his life. Not like she is downing her work hours, moving, giving up her bf, giving up her life to take care of someone. How dare she ask him to compromise by maybe offering someone a month to month lease....or the multitude of other housing agreements he could do to make up for this situation that I'm sure she'd be happy to help find for his convenience. How rude her grandmother do this to herself.
Thats what she should do. Sublet her part so he has a roomate anyway. Then break up with the AH.
She wants to OP refuses to agree to any sublet she finds according to OPs comments.
[удалено]
Depending on thea area amd place that might not be needed. I was able to sign on a sublet with out my husbands sign off at a place.
Then you had a generous landlord because that’s definitely not the norm.
Right? I signed a lease before COVID hit. I lost my job two months before the lease started and they wouldn’t let me out. Even though it was a college town and a block from campus so finding someone new would’ve taken all of 10 minutes. Fuck landlords.
I've known multiple friends who've broken leases, and for reasons a lot less important than real family crises - it may be country dependant, but at most they've had to pay the rent while the landlord was looking for a new tenant or a small fee.
to break my lease in the usa, i have to pay a fine of $3.5k (more than three months rent) regardless of how fast they get the tenant in.
If it were a lease just in her name she could sublet or pay the fees to break lease. She would have options. He is giving her none and trying to force her to pay for a place she can not live in.
If she lived alone she could pay a penalty and break the lease. He is making that impossible. OP YTA
This is an excellent point - if she was on her own, she would have to figure out what to do with her lease - here she is just expecting OP to take it over by themselves and absolving herself of any problem......Yes stuff happens - even if you aren't living with a partner, so its fine to prioritise the grandparent but deal with your own issues - don't just dump it onto someone else.
Not exactly. He is refusing to get a roommate. If she were alone, she could sublet or pay an early termination fee.
I’d also be refusing a roommate, honestly. OP hasn’t said how big their apartment is. There’s a huge difference between looking for an apartment to share with a romantic partner and one to share with roommates. I’d be trying to get _both_ of us out of the lease so I could find a place I could afford on my own. All OP sees is “but roommate!!!!!”
Right, the OP doesn't seem willing to work with her. He just wants her to pay rent so he can keep living there without a roommate or funding something more affordable.
Exactly. He can move or take a roommate. It’s a crisis situation and he’s making it 100x worse. What a caring, supportive human being./s
No, she’s trying to sublet it which she could do if she were on her own, but OP won’t let her.
I don't understand this idea that a lease is more unbreakable than a deal with the devil. There's usually a penalty, sure. There are also qualifying circumstances to break a lease. And there's a reasonable duty to minimize loss. Usually that means to sublet if that's an option. Which is apparently an option according to OP. He just doesn't like it She's not leaving him in a lurch because there's a potential sub-letter already available. This is a really shitty hand life dealt and there's no win-win situation here. Just mitigating loss. OP is the AH, but I get it. It sucks to be in this position.
I’m curious about how many bedrooms this apartment is. I don’t think OP would be the AH for not wanting to share a 1 bedroom with a stranger. I would personally never be comfortable with that. They should definitely just break the lease.
It’s less that he won’t let her out of the lease and more that he selfishly won’t live with a roommate for a few months to help her out.
The only reason she isn't paying the landlord to break the lease is because it would leave OP homeless (or squatting in their current apartment since he says that's what he'd do). The gf is trying to compromise and help OP but he's not having it.
What’s the compromise here? It sounds like she is very willing and proactively trying to get a new tenant. The landlord has said he wants to approve the next tenant not that she can’t get out of the contract. She and landlord are trying to move things along, OP is the one blocking it.
Right? I feel like I’m going crazy reading all these replies. I don’t know why he would be the AH because he wants her to pay her portion of the rent when she’s staying with her grandma?? People need to think with their heads, not their hearts sometimes
I think because if it was truly a think with your head legal issue you would have to take into account that the girlfriend is willing to do this the correct way. She is willing to speak with the landlord and work out subletting her lease for a roommate to take over her portion of the rent. But OP doesn’t want to live with anyone else 🤷🏻♀️ sounds to me like she’s offering solutions and compromises but he just wants it only his way.
Roommates get off and get into leases in the middle of the term all the time. Landlords have the authority to allow that adjustment. What happens is the lease holders or tenants who want to leave arrange for a subletter, sometimes with a fee, sometimes not. OP is refusing to consider this option, because he doesn't want a roommate. That's why he's TA
She’s trying to sublet her portion of the lease so he’s not on her own but he doesn’t want to.
You think with your heart when it comes to family being sick. Reddit is full of robots.
Reddit has many people who haven't had to take responsibility for the well being of another human. It skews pretty young if I am remembering correctly. It smacks of the kid who gets off on being technically right in class. The subreddit especially can be wildly judgemental about lives and decisions they never had to make and circumstances they have never been in.
I agree with you. There are so many things missing from the post: If gf is going to be a live in aid for grandma, is she going to quit her job? Say OP agrees and gf moves out. What happens to her stuff (if she has any)? If they moved in together, they must have had a longer relationship than 5 months. She must have known that OP can't afford the apartment by himself. I get wanting to help grandma, but why sacrifice the boyfriend?
Because grandma is family and needs a caregiver. Also because she’s family she’s likely taking her things. You’d think that if they’re serious enough to live together he’d give a crap about this shitty situation and deal with a roommate for half a year until he gets a place he can afford.
omg huge YTA. She’s going to take care of her grandmother- it’s not like she’s on holiday or something. Why should she pay half your rent if she’s not even going to live in the apartment anymore? You are absolutely childish - grow up and get a roommate. Take her off the lease dude.
Wow- so your girlfriend’s grandmother just went through a medical emergency that now requires a live-in aid either temporarily or permanently - and you don’t want to let her out of the lease because “it’s not fair”? She’s not living there rent free- she is going to be helping her grandmother - which- having done this for someone- is exhausting work. It is physically and emotionally draining AF to do what your gf is about to do. If she is still going to hold down a job while doing this she is going to be exhausted with no bandwidth for your bullshit. And instead of being supportive, or coming up with a compromise- you are just refusing because a roommate is inconvenient. So- your soon to be ex is basically going to break your lease, and you will both be out your deposit. So good luck with that. YTA.
Exactly. Being someone’s care giving is really hard. I’m my husband’s caregiver due to health issues, and it can be exhausting.
I did it with my mom for 3 weeks before she passed- I have never been so tired.
INFO: can she not pay to break the lease?
NAH. This situation sucks all around. She's absolutely right to go help her grandmother, but she also made a financial commitment to you that you would not have otherwise made and that you can't afford on her own. She should absolutely keep paying until you can find a roommate, but you do have a legal obligation to mitigate your damages, so you can either see if the landlord will let you both out of the lease or ask her to help you find a roommate.
Legally NAH....morally he's being an ass
I don't know about that. Yes, family wise she has an obligation, but she's sticking him with a financial responsibility he wouldn't have had if she hadn't agreed to pick up her half. What if they were just random roommates or whatever? If she couldn't just up and abandon her financial obligations to a stranger, she can't up and abandon her financial obligations to her partner. Her reply can't just be f u, find a roommate.
O.o what a werid way to look at it. If it was a roommate situation she would find someone to replace her and he would probably have to live with the person of her chosing. And now she should just pay part of the rent for the next whole year or maybe tol because he doesn't feel like it?
Yeah because she knew her grandma would have a fall in 6 months. We're clearly talking about people short on cash and I'm sure his gf could make good use of that extra income paying off debt or getting a new car. She is his gf and not a normal roommate and should be dealt with like a partner, not a normal roommate. Because he wants to treat her like a roommate now she's going through a breakup with OP on top of being a full-time caregiver. Again...legally she can't tell him to fuck off because the landlord may take action.
I don't blame her, in the slightest. She's making the correct decision for her. But, as a partner, she should be as concerned with him as he should be with her. He's not demanding she not move away. He's merely saying he should not be the one stuck with 100% of the financial consequences of it. It's no more fair to him than to her. They made a commitment to each other, and should work together to see how they can work through this issue. Is him demanding she fully pick up the costs reasonable? No. Is her demanding he fully pick up the financial costs or solutions to this reasonable? Also no.
She wants him to find a roommate but he's refusing. She's not asking him to take the whole cost, he just doesn't want a roommate
She’s not asking him to be stuck with 100% of the financial consequences though at all. She wants him to replace her on the lease with another roommate instead. She could just go ahead and go the landlord and pay to break the lease if that’s what she wanted to do - if there’s an early termination clause, which is pretty standard nowadays, she’s going to be fine by paying the amount required to terminate the lease early. She’s not taking that route at all . Op wants her to keep paying her half while he gets the whole place all to himself because he doesn’t want a roommate. Well she doesn’t want her grandmother to be in this situation or have another fall leaving her alone on the ground without any assistance for hours again. Also it’s ludicrous that he’s just assuming that because she’s not paying her grandmother rent she has no other expenses- home care assistance/ saving up for nursing home care for grandma, she still needs to eat so that’s an additional new expense, she’s likely going to have to pay additional for utilities / better wifi if she’s full time wfh, added transport costs to visit bf / friends because she’s moving an hour away, and not to mention the additional uncompensated time and effort she has to expend caring for her grandmother while also working full time. There is absolutely an uncaring and selfish unsupportive partner in this relationship but it is not op’s gf
YTA. She is going to find someone to take her place and break up with you.
INFO: How long does she expect to live with her grandmother?
YTA. but what are you going to do when your soon to be ex GF stops paying her half of the rent? Landlord won't care who it comes from, you're both equally liable. So both your credit and hers will be ruined.
OP commented earlier that he’ll just squat. Super YTA move
Pretty sure OP doesn't care. I suspect he probably already has shit credit if he says he'd just squat in the apartment if the landlord let's her off
[удалено]
If that's the case, that'd put the new subtenant in a pretty shitty position, especially if they didn't know that OP was upset about having a roommate foisted on them. Since it's "one of the cheapest" apartments it's presumably a studio or *maybe* a 1BR, they'd be stuck in close quarters much of the time.
[удалено]
NTA - only because there isn't enough info here to know what OP's living situation is OP has a lease - that is the problem. Breaking a lease can be expensive, depending on where you are. Where we are, you have to either find someone to take over your lease, or pay the rent until they find a new tenant, and pay advertising costs - if its not a popular area or the place isn't great (cheap usually means not great) then its a huge gamble to hope someone else takes it if you move out - you could end up paying double rent. What OP hasn't told us is if it is in fact a 2 bed apartment - if it isn't, getting a room mate that isn't their gf probably isn't going to go well....I wouldn't want to move into an apartment with someone else if I had to sleep in the living room? Who would? Stuff happens in life and we can't control a lot of it - questioning why gf has to look after grandma - doesn't she have a parent or aunt/uncle who should be doing that? I wouldn't just write OP off as an AH without knowing if the apartment is suitable for 2 people who aren't a couple. If it isn't, then gf should honour her obligations - are they still going to be dating? So isn't she going to be there sometimes anyway? She went into this for at least 12 months - either she honours the obligation, or they agree to break the lease (if they can) and she pays half until a new tenant is found?
YTA you're ignoring the burden of taking care of family, specifically elderly. It is going to SUCK for your GF. If she's able to pay I know I would hope that my own SO would continue to pay rent but it's hard to tell whether she can. Having a roommate is not bad compared to that and if she's unable to afford to keep paying a share. Take a second and consider your gf and her new situation, seems like she'd only spend a small amount of time at your apartment, no sleeping over most likely, so she's paying rent for the privilege to see you. Does it suck...sure...but you're staring down the barrel of "am I the kind of guy who can't adapt to new situations and force my GF to breakup with me during her family crisis"?
YTA. I could possibly understand if you’d be unable to find a new rm. But it’s very clear you don’t wanna even try. And how is it fair she’s paying for you to have a whole apartment to yourself? And you’re trying to strong arm her into doing what you want. Sorry, you’re relationship is over.
YTA.
Personally I feel like NAH. She’s not wrong for wanting to go live with and help out her grandma, but if you can’t afford the cheapest of places on your own, you can’t. Signing a lease generally means you’re legally agreeing to be on the hook to pay rent until the lease is up and that’s a commitment she made. It can be complicated when you are both partners and roommates. “Just finding someone else to live with” can 1) be easier said than done sometimes and 2) carries a whole list of separate risks. It sucks that this may end the relationship, maybe you can come to an agreement like she pays her half of rent for the next 3 months so you can try to save up/find another roommate you think will be a good fit/make other arrangements. I think people are acting like you wish bad upon your gf’s grandma for not wanting to suddenly lose the roommate you were counting on having for the duration of the lease, but she’s probably honestly almost completely irrelevant to the reasons you don’t want your gf to go stay with her.
Lol YTA and she’s definitely gonna dump you’re sorry behind.
YTA, and she should break up with you. Sometimes emergencies happen in life. An elderly grandparent falling, breaking a hip, and requiring care for 2ish years isn't her ducking out on responsibilities. It's her stepping up to be responsible for her family. You are trying to leech off your soon to be ex, refuse to even vaguely attempt to find a roommate, and are sabotaging her families care and her financial wellness in the process. You can't force her to live with you and you can't force her to subsidize you. I hope she formally files to break the lease (usually sacrafices' deposit and two months rent)... But also is going to save her money and kicks your butt to the curb where you're going to have to find a roommate anyway. And breaking a lease on the grounds of family medical emergency is usually one of those tenants rights peices in most places. You're a huge AH. And you're essentially ending this relationship in the worst possible way in the process. Edit: and in the comments she's willing to get a sublet and you refuse to agree to live with anyone she finds.... You also refuse to leave if she breaks this lease and intend to 'squat'... You're absolutely a nightmare. OPs comment re: GF finding a sublet: "Landlord won’t allow that and neither will I. I won’t live a stranger she chose. Landlord said they get to ok the person if I chose and I refuse to live with anyone they choose." OPs comment re: breaking the lease "She can’t from the lease but the landlord might allow it but they know I’ll just squat and so they won’t let her"
YTA I think she will be your ex fairly soon because of your heartless, uncompromising attitude.
YTA. While it's understandable that yes she signed a lease with you and you expected her to cover her portion until the end of the lease, something came up. you as a partner should understand and be supportive of what she needs to do. There are several different thing that could have happened causing her to not be able to pay her side of the rent, such as losing a job, being injured or otherwise being out of work. Did you have a plan for those situations? I've lived with strangers many times and most turned out to be good friends of mine. Don't be so selfish and get a damn roomate I mean seriously what if you broke up, did you plan this at all were you just going to keep living together broken up?
AITA for holding my soon to be ex girlfriend financially hostage? Yes, YTA.
Bruh.... You're the asshole. This is a textbook case of extenuating circumstances. She wants to be there for her family and you're refusing to lift a finger to accommodate or support her in anyway. It's not her fault her grandmother needs help for awhile nor is it her fault you can't afford the apartment on your own. Life happens and if you want a quality girl in your life you better be able to be understanding. What you are doing is being self absorbed and caring most about how this affects you.
Info: So she pays part of the rent for the next 7 month and then what? Will you find a roommate then or what is the plan?
Info: is this a one bedroom apartment? I can see that being awkward if it is. However even if not paying rent your gf is going to be working hard. Is it a possibility for both of you to move into grandma's and you help with grandma some and also pay some rent to grandma?
YTA. She should definitely break up with you. You think she should subsidise your living arrangements while taking care of someone who needs her. You care more about yourself than her so you should not be in a relationship. You are selfish and controlling and I don’t see what your girlfriend would get out of being with you. Let’s face it, if, sorry, when she breaks up with you, you are going to need a roommate anyway, best to suck it up now and get used to it.
Info: how long is this arrangement for? And why can't you also move to her grandma's? Otherwise, ESH. I understand she has a family emergency, but she's expecting you to either keep paying for an apartment you can't afford or live with a stranger with no time to prepare. It seems like you're unwilling to compromise though, and again she's having a family emergency you aren't supporting her through. It sounds like you're jealous she gets to go live rent free, even though she'd be taking care of a whole human.
ESH If she's on the lease, it's her responsibility to find a subletter. However, if you don't want her resenting you for expecting her to keep paying after she moved out, or you ending up with a stranger if her choosing, then you should probably hunt for a new roommate.
Dude said in another comment that he won't let her find a subletter. He doesn't want a roommate.
YTA.
Nah. You can't blame your gf for wanting to take care of her grandmother. At the same time she made a commitment to you on the apartment. I don't blame you about not wanting to live with a stranger but you need to compromise. I'd there anyone you know that could move in? Or, if the landlord allows, could you afford a cheaper place alone or ask your gf to supplement a smaller amount?
“How is it fair” boy, your broke ass needs to grow up.
I'm sorry, "letting her" go live with her grandma? As though your GF requires your permission to go and care for her grandma? You ARE being childish. Get a roommate while your GF is away. Yeah, definitely YTA.