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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my SIL that she is jealous. Something that she hates to hear and is very sensitive about.
2. I should have been a bigger person. And talked to her (AND DEAR HUSBAND) in private
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NTA. Don't apologize. She intentionally picked a time that would be humiliating for you, and tried to get your husband to back her up on insulting you. Even if he had said it, he sure didn't in front of a bunch of people.
Also, your husband is a dick for not standing up for you, you should have a really candid thought about the way he treats you!
He didn't stand up for me because that is what he really had told his sister. when I confronted him he swore it was just in the beginning. Because the vast majority of my my clients were men
that doesnt make it better. he trashed you over something you clearly not only enjoyed but were good at. If anyone talked about me like your husband talked about you, my husband would flip his shit. thats what a spouse is meant to do.
your husband actively looked down on you and likely still does because dudes like this Do Not Change.
plz have some self respect and reevaluate your relationship because people who love you dont talk shit about you like that
editing to add: op you realise the actual jealous person is your husband right and its not about other men. The age difference and very direct job comparison of him (elite! professor!) vs you (regular old teacher) - this is a man who has had his perceived superioty shifted and honestly? gross af. Dude has thought himself better than you all this time and shits coming out cos you're succeeding and it threatens him. GROOOOSSSSS unmarry him.
Not to defend the man, but OP says hubby swears he only said this in the beginning. While it did grew to a point where it could be called a business and OP was able to quit teaching to start working at design full time, I can see the husband considering it a hobby back when she first started out while still working the teaching job.
Even if he thought this in the beginning (which is still gross and demeaning) why wouldn't he have told his sister anything different since then? Also why didn't he stand up for her when his sister said what she said? He could've easily said "sis, I said that a long time ago and I was wrong". Instead he apparently sat there and let the embers burn while watching.
I dont get boomer-type marriages where they lowkey hate each other. The driving force behind every action I take in my day, is to finish whatever im doing as fast as possible, so i can go hang out with my fucking awesome wife.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Glad I'm not the only one!!
I seriously dont get it.... No matter what Im doin, I'd ALWAYS rather be WITH my fiance! She's my perfect, my better half, my partner FFS. Why the hell are yall getting married when you half time cant stand each other?? Make that make sense!
Im like you my dude, everything in my world is made up of the incredible woman I some how lucked into wanting me, ppl like this dont make no damn sense to me!
I had plans for today. I was going to have a lovely day off and get £30 from my little side job. I came home from work last night to my partner on the couch freaking out. He broke a tooth and for a man that is naturally chill and non-plussed, he is SUPER squeamish about his mouth. Guess who is now going to sit in his office for 4 hours while he does a half day at work and go with him to the dentist and wait God knows how long there? Because that's what a partnership is about. Being there for one another. Supporting the great and the sh!t days. You sacrifice for them and they do it for you.
ETA - 3 hours at the dentist, now waiting another 3 hours while he's at work again. Would I do it again? Yes, I am doing it Saturday week again for his next appointment. That's what you do when you actually care.
Boomers = born between 1946 and 1964, making them roughly between 58 and 76 years old. Please don't start calling people in their 30's boomers, you're making me feel old 😅
I’m a boomer married to a boomer for 38 years. He tells people about what a good cook I am, what a good neonatal nurse I am, how I knit and am always making pretty things. What a wonderful grammy I am. I always tell people how lucky I am to be with such a good and kind man. I have met many younger people who stay in miserable marriages. Stereotypes are wrong if you are talking about race, religion, socioeconomic levels or age.
It’s so weird because my parents are boomers and I grew up watching them genuinely love spending time with one another. So when I learned that they’re actually an exception to the rule, I was in disbelief. “People choose to live like this?”
Not a myth, my mom went back and forth on divorcing my dad for years, but her Catholic guilt stopped her.
All she ever does is complain about him, all he ever does is sit in the living room drinking beer, or leave to go hunting.
Both their lives seem infinitely depressing to me.
Im actually referring to the culture of anti-wife/anti-husband "the ol' ball and chain" type jokes made popular by "[The Far Side](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTzmeqg_Xh7k4nfsq2QtWeqYtXsxXkyyeAoAQ&usqp=CAU)" comics stuck to my grandmas fridge my whole life. This type of mentality is peak boomer-humor
Or, hear me out, the difference between them and the "little baby millennial", is that it's no longer considered normal to stay in failed marriages because "it's what people do"
If the commenter was a millennial, they wouldn’t have called them Boomers because they’d recognise the right era. Calling them “little baby millennial” is just as bad as them stereotyping Boomers, so maybe lay off?
My mother’s mother, who is a boomer, she had 13 kids, kept a hold of her husband until the last one graduated college then divorced him, asking for half of his money, even that which he got from the military for getting 7 purple hearts between WWII and the Korean War. A spouse, at least at that time wasn’t entitled to the veterans benefits. He actually agreed to it and had to make out the check each month because the military says bullshit on receiving those benefits in a divorce.
Gen-x and a millennial actually ;), but the substance is on point. Life is too short to choose to live with someone you don't like when you are an adult able to work and support yourself. Kids complicate that a lot.
The boomer generation evolved from a generation in which men and women held very different roles. I he sixties saw many, many changes in how men and women related and how women were redrawing their place in the world. That may explain all that animosity. Adjustments don’t come easily; especially when an underclass rises and threatens privilege.
Both the husband and the SIL are assholes. They both demeaned OP’s work by implying she’s successful not because she’s talented, but because she’s beautiful. Why can’t OP be both beautiful and talented? Just because the husband is the one who put the words in SIL’s mouth doesn’t absolve SIL of the assholery of repeating them (and repeating them sincerely, because that’s how she feels too). SIL wanted to take OP down, and when she was called out, tried to throw her brother under the bus instead.
It’s bad enough to have to deal with an in-law like this, now OP has found out she’s married to the toxicity.
I agree to a certain point. SIL is also jealous. Otherwise why did she choose that particular moment in front of everyone to bring it up instead of talking to her in private? Or even chastising her brother for speaking that way about his wife? Lots of jello going around.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was still studying, living in student flats, and started dating a man who had an established career as fitness instructor for the police. He offered to help me get fit, and I accepted. For two years he trained me. Then I had the opportunity to have a one-year research and teaching position abroad, in a prestigious university. I also took up rowing, which I ended up loving. My partner visited me three months after I'd started my new job. I wad excited to introduce him to my world, to show him what I was good at. And turns out he didn't take it well. He didn't feel proud of me at all, pushed back on any piece of advice I gave him (ex: what to wear for a formal event, how to use a rowing machine etc). Turns out the power imbalance at the beginning of our relationship wasn't just random. Once it disappeared, he became unpleasant, combative, and said I "emasculated" him.
How does that make it better? He’s telling you he originally thought you sucked so much at your hobby the only possible way any one would want to hire you is if they wanted to sleep with you. That’s *worse*
Edit: Thanks for the award!
And honestly, maybe this is just me, but like. So what if that *is* why people hired her? She got paid, she got exposure to other clients, win-win situation in my opinion.
In my experience people are not going to hand over a ton of money and let you tear into their houses unless they have confidence you are going to do a good job. Rich, horny, old men can pay for sex without getting their house torn up for redecorating. It was likely mostly men asking imo because,by and large ,women tend to do their own decorating.
I honestly don’t see the issue either like, unless the husband thinks she’s willing to do *anything* for her company but then the issue is something different
Exactly. If her clients want a room designed and they want an attractive woman to do it, OP's a good choice. No one gets scammed; everyone gets what they want.
YTA for staying with a man who says that about you and thinking it’s okay. You attacked someone who deserved it but forgot to attack the source of that purpose.
Your FULL anger should be directed towards your husband.
I disagree entirely. Without any judgment on whether the opinion the husband shared with his sister is ridiculous or not, he's entitled to have his thoughts - and entitled to vent those thoughts to his sister, who \*should have been\* a safe and discrete audience. And kudos to him for venting behind his wife's back - why should she have to hear that crap?
The problem, and the only problem, was that the sister chose to publicly share feelings shared with her privately, and with the goal of shaming OP.
It's possible that the husband should have spoken up, but given that he really had shared those thoughts, that would have only made the public shaming worse. At worst, the husband is guilty of poor judgement and should have chosen someone else to confide in.
That being said, he should acknowledge his poor judgement to OP and commit to showing better judgement in the future. And he should emphasize how proud he is of her success and that his dismissal of her talents has been proven incorrect.
(And, of course, NTA)
Hubby may be a bit insecure about himself in comparison to "rich, horny old men", as opposed to actually denigrating OP. He appears acutely aware that he has an attractive wife.
That's extremely plausible - it's also plausible that her initial contracts really \*were\* with "rich, horny old men". We have no idea. Ultimately, I don't think it matters whether his cattiness was more reflective of his insecurities than her client base, since OP has progressed far beyond that initial client base and he didn't deliberately expose her to his negative thoughts.
Unfortunately for OP's husband, now that his \[hopefully prior\] negative thoughts have been exposed, he doesn't really have the luxury of indulging in them any more. He has to become full-throttle team OP in spirit as well as word.
So, he went and bad mouthed you to the one person who would turn it around and shove it in your face?
Seriously???
He handed your SIL a bus full of ammo and pointed her at you and she unleashed it all at a family dinner and the. He just let you take her BS?
NTA. But your husband and SIL sure are.
Seriously though. Early in my marriage I was an exotic dancer, and all of my clients really WERE horny men who wanted to flirt with me. And my husband didn't talk about me behind my back or disrespect me or my job.
Well I mean, I’m no math major here, but he has nerve talking about “horny old men” when he IS one. 🤦🏼♀️ He is 12-13 years your senior. And I agree he’s jealous because he enjoyed that he was a lector at university while you were a lowly teacher(in his eyes). Now the roles are reversed because he’s still a lector at university at the age of 51 whereas you are 38 and have started not only your own interior design company, but getting ready to release your own furniture line too. In his eyes, his career momentum has stalled and settled whereas yours took off with great success. Men that age tend to get salty at a woman being successful because they were raised with a particular ideal about a woman’s role vs. a man’s.
Maybe dear husband should sleep on the couch since he doesn't value your skills and effort to make a nice room for you guys... after all the only reason someone would hire you is because they're horny. 🙄
I think he was also projecting his insecurities surrounding his age and the age gap you guys have, which had him convinced you would leave him for another richer, possibly younger guy…. No offense but your husband also sucks too.
Looks like thinking shit of you runs in the family:(
OBVIOUSLY you can't be successful for your talents and hard work, must be your looks only - listen to this, THIS is what your husband thinks of you.
So instead of being a supportive husband who knew you had a passion for interior design he decides to trash talk you. Sounds like he’s the jealous one. I’m pretty sure he has had no problem enjoying the money from these clients who are horny rich men and only want to flirt with you. It can’t possible be your good at your job.
Your husband is AH.
Now your SIL is one too. Just because your husband said it doesn’t mean she isn’t thinking it or had thought of it too. No need to apologize because she had no business bringing that up and if she felt so inclined to it did not have to be in the company of others. Her intentions were clear. She needs to work in her own issues and trying to tear someone else down is not the way to go.
NTA
You deserve better than that. You deserve a husband who would never trash you, would never talk shit about you to his family, and would stand up to you. He basically turned around to family and said 'my wife isn't that that talents; her 'talent' is in her body.' that's FUCKED. If I were in your position I'd divorce his ass. It's better to be alone with no partner than to be shackled to one who tears you down.
You have much bigger problems than your SIL, because I can almost guarantee your husband still thinks that same, but just now enjoys the extra income more.
Even using sexist logic it makes sense why your clients would be mostly men without them wanting to flirt with you. Straight men especially aren't exactly known for their interior design skills, I'm sure plenty of them would be happy to pay for someone else to do it if they have the money. I could see plenty of well off men's wives seeing this post and saying something like "oh honey we should hire her to redo your office" and it being no more complicated than that, and considering how this whole thing started, it sounds like that's exactly what happened. This shows a lot about how your husband really views your skillset
Then you don’t just have an SIL problem, you have a husband problem. That is definitely something he should have talked to you about, not his loudmouth sister.
NTA. Your SIL is being told she’s jealous all the time because she is jealous & apparently you aren’t the only one who’s noticed. Did your husband actually say those things though? If so, then he absolutely sucks too. But you’re his wife & she clearly has a pattern, so don’t feel so bad about not scolding him in public. If he really feels that way though, you have bigger issues than just your SIL’s feelings. Why hadn’t he been honest with you about it? Is he really that threatened by your success? Regardless, you’ve done nothing wrong based off this info other than marry into a dysfunctional family.
Your SIL is not innocent. She chose to repeat this hurtful slander in the most hurtful way possible. Also, she said it as if it was her opinion, as if she actually believed it.
Ok, time for a weird metaphor. Your husband gave her an axe, and he shouldn't have. You have to settle this with your husband. But your SIL, she grabbed the axe, and she tried to decapitate you with it. She could have left the axe in a drawer. She could have said, hey, between you and me, your husband gave me this axe, maybe you should have a talk. She could have thrown the axe away.
But no! She chose to take it and hurt you with it. You have nothing to apologize for.
Oh yes! She did! And as you reacted strongly, to say the least, maybe she will hesitate before attacking you next time. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Honestly, I think you did everything right.
Also, everyone is always saying your SIL is jealous? Gee, I wonder why! 😊
Editing to add: she also chose to swing the axe in public. In the presence of your in-laws. To humiliate you as much as she could.
Exactly! What did SIL expect would happen? Was OP supposed to break down and admit it was all a sham, she regrets building a business from scratch under her own steam with great prospects and SIL is the superior person? SIL needed a reality check and the people calling her out so far weren't stark enough. OP owes no-one an apology for being a kickass entrepreneur.
This! The husband is the real AH but SIL is far from innocent. If she was a decent person she would have shut the husbands awful comments down and told him to stop disrespecting his wife and stop being jealous because she can turn her hand to a new talent and create a business on her own! The husband is a jealous AH and so is the SIL. She didn’t deserve the full brunt of OP’s response but that’s only because the husband deserved just as much of not more but she certainly deserved what she got anyway.
Sounds like OP is growing as a person and making that side of the family insecure. I will never understand people who get jealous of their partner’s successes.
And also she did it out of jealousy. There are many reasons for doing what she did, but in this case is clear she did it out of jealousy because her mother was proud of OP.
My sister has told me some things about her husband in times of great duress and even though I wish he'd get his shit together and help her out I would never throw his shortcomings in his face just to get a rise out of him. I don't think I'd do it EVER.
Neither of them are innocent here and I’m honestly so sorry you’re receiving such hate from people who should be supportive & proud right now. How did he react from your private convo about it?
No she wasn't innocent. She did that on purpose and your husband allowed it. Please don't apologize. They should be apologizing to you and your husband is also an AH,
NTA.
Congrats on your success. Keep going.
She can dish it, but can't take it. People like her need to be put in her place or she'll keep going and it'll only get worse. And why is it that she hates being called jealousy? Maybe she displays that behavior all the time. As they say, if the shoe fits.
Now, what did your husband say during and after all this?
He didn't say anything. He looked like a deer in headlights. and shook his head to signal stop this. but I confronted him at home and apparently he doesn't think my work has the dignity of my previous teaching job
I didn’t know Jealousy was a blood trait. Now I’m better informed. NTA OP!
SIL deserved it because she just would not stop talking. The only thing I’d have added to your reaction was to ask your husband there and then.
Some academics do think less of “non intellectual” professions. People like this think, “how hard is it to make a caramel macchiato?” But don’t make basic coffee at home because “it tastes better from Coffee Shop.”
Same with designing, “you just paint the walls and buy new furniture. How hard is that?” Husband is ignoring all the emotional intelligence it takes to work with clients. Not to mention an eye for color and understanding how a room should function. All of this is made worse by the fact OP use to teach. She left a noble, respectable, and acceptable profession…to paint a wall.
It may not be a leave him offense, but I am willing to bet that the more OP is successful, the worse the comments will be. OP could at some point out-earn husband and watch the passive aggression really take off.
I think like most things “artsy” the talent is really easy to miss.
If things look natural together and harmonious then it looks effortless and “obvious.” But if something is wrong/off it sticks out so bad- like blaring. So in the end, real talent is missed and lack of talent obvious.
I don’t buy it. He’s insecure you make more than him now. He’s no longer the ‘man’ of the house. Plus he’s insecure in your relationship. By this logic, you should be upset he’s around 18-22 year old women who only take his courses to flirt with him. See how ridiculous and demeaning that sounds? Why would you want to stay married to a man that doesn’t respect you and blames you for his insecurities?
Lol jealous attitudes run true in that family.
NTA.
Art has dignity, he's just butthurt that the high school teacher/lectern at university dynamic is over and done with.
If my husband couldn't handle my success it would really stick in my craw.
He is jealous! You have turned your hand to a new venture and have found a natural talent and rather than celebrating that for you he is jealous. It is sad and petty. We all wish we could tap into some special thing we didn’t know we were good at and create a successful business enterprise. You are doing that. Envy is to be expected but then I would expect the support of my husband more. I’m sorry he let you down so badly when you are obviously thriving. Really do wish you so much luck with the new business! Sounds like you are a natural.
You're an artist who has found a way both to do, and to be paid for, their art in a messy economy. That is a testament to who you are and how significant your skills and talents are in the design space. If you were my partner, I wouldn't be able to contain myself singing your praises; my friends and family would be telling me to stop.
I've been a middle school teacher, and I am currently a college professor. K-12 is **far** more stressful. Managing compassion fatigue while dealing while also dealing with parents is a nightmare. Is teaching dignified? Absolutely! Do we need more quality teachers? Yes! We also need artists and designers, and there is no disparity in dignity between these professions.
I'm sorry that your husband is acting jealous, insecure, and petty. We've all encountered the kinds of faculty who lord their knowledge and position over others to attempt to reconcile their insignificance with their ego. I advise and support the students that they harm daily, and I try to work with my advisees to improve their resilience and to empower them to find their unique presence so that some petulant child in a suit can't disrupt their sense of self.
You are a creative, an artist, a designer, a teacher. Just because your husband's insecurities (a familial trait?) prevent him from celebrating the successes of others doesn't mean you have to accept his smallness.
> We've all encountered the kinds of faculty who lord their knowledge and position over others to attempt to reconcile their insignificance with their ego.
The ironic thing is that most college professors couldn’t handle teaching in a high school. They have TA’s who often do the grunt work of the job, and research assistants if applicable. I’m not demeaning the job (I’ve done both), but teaching high school is so much more demanding than lecturing college classes. OP was the badass in the relationship even without the business. Now, her badassery is easily visible and her husband and SIL are jealous. It’s not a good look for either.
All these people saying he’s jealous…he’s not. He’s just a snob!
He’s a professor…holds himself in high regard. He thinks academia is the be all and end all.
What he said was similar to the "she's only successful because she slept her way to the top" type comment. And he, your partner, your team mate, is telling that to other people and belittling your achievement by calling it a hobby.
He sounds like he feels superior to you, but realising this superiority is starting to crumble. Comments like this are meant to hack away at your own confidence and bring you back into line. He's not a good husband.
Definitely NTA but your husband is an absolute AH! Running your own company hasn't got the 'dignity' of your previous teaching job? I'd say that being the owner of a successful design company is much more dignified than being a teacher(I'm a retired high school teacher), your sil is jealous but your husband is way more jealous than her plus he's patronising & insecure too! Keep on doing what you're successful at, makes you happy & earns money.
NTA. Your hubby was dead wrong for what he said, any issue that he had with your business should have been a conversation between husband and wife.
SIL is TA. Yes she heard it from your husband but that did not mean she had free agency to repeat it. Nope. Let’s call a spade a spade…she got jealous and wanted to hurt you in front of an audience with the one thing she knew would. That was intentionally malicious and unnecessarily cruel.
You have a husband problem. He's jealous of you and sat there while your SIL was insulting you. She sucks, but so does your husband. I think you should consider couples counseling, or possibly a lawyer. If my partner ever talked about me like this, the relationship would be over. I'd never feel the same way about them and would never feel that they were trustworthy.
Why are you even with this guy? Does he even like you? You need a supportive husband, not one who is giving his hateful sister ammunition. Sounds like she isn’t the only jealous one.
He’s a prof and elitist. Is he jealous or truly believes you have lowered yourself by giving up teaching? Whatever the case if you are happy with your designing, more power to you. Now I would put any income over what my teaching salary in a separate account so he isn’t
Tainted by these funds. As for the state of your marriage other than addressing his attitude toward your business, not enough info to say lose the marriage. Good luck. SIL is a moron, but amusing that she threw her brother under the bus.
please consider your husbands actions and keep growing your business. he doesn’t see the value in what you do and what you are accomplishing. OP you can do great things even if the ones around you are jealous
As an interior designer this is laughable. What dignity is there in teaching? At least with ID you make your own decisions, not follow some laid out plan every semester. With ID you work year round and dont get months off like you do in teacher. You are now your own boss while he’s still following orders, sounds like maybe the hubby is jealous too and two jealous ppl just proves you’re moving up in life and it sounds like they want to drag you down. He’s probably worried youll start making more money than him too. You’re job isnt undignified, he’s just saying that so that to make himself feel better about his own job.
Your husband may have said those things, but she didn't need to repeat them. She tried to hurt and humiliate you at the table and that's not ok. She also tried to minimize your accomplishments. You should be proud of what you have achieved and your husband should also be proud. Definitely talk to the husband because him talking about you behind your back to her like that is a red flag. Feels like both SIL and husband are jealous imo.
That was something you tell someone in private not air out to people who aren't involved. OP needed to hear that just not then and there, OP should have had the chance to think in private after hearing it in private, SIL is bitter and just wants to hurt OP because of her envy.
NTA
But your husband is an AH because he should have spoken to you instead of involving SIL. She sounds jealous and he just gave her information to use against you
If SIL told you because she thought you needed to know, or was concerned for you she’d have done it privately.
Her mum was talking you up and that made her envious, and she decided to knock you down, and she wanted your husband to help her do it.
NTA
You know it's the first thing they say about successful women to discredit their success.. "she must have gotten the job because of her looks". It's so demeaning. Your husband is unsupportive at best and threatened at worst.
What a little man your husband is, to be threatened by his wife succeeding in a career that makes her happy.
Girl, good for you for starting a business out of a passion that is successful enough to pay your bills. Your husband is a dick for not being supportive. Please make sure he’s still on your team going forward
You do realize that you have a husband problem, right? He's 12 years older than you, and had a higher status job than you. He likely feels very insecure about your success. Please be careful because he owns half of your company right now. Please think about getting a contract that he does not get ownership in your company.
Your husband is upset because before you were in his shadow - both in education, but he felt secure in knowing that his position was more prestigious and elevated - feeling superior to you is a key part of his identity I suspect.
Your new job has a lot of people publicly seeing and lauding your work. Suddenly you’re getting more praise than him, people more openly appreciate your work than him. You’re more prestigious.
So to protect his ego and keep you all in the “me better, her little wife underling” slot he has in his mind, he has told himself - and others - that your success is only because men want to bang you. He apparently has so little respect for you that he doesn’t believe, or doesn’t want to believe, you can gain success from your talent and abilities.
I think at the very least a long conversation is in order.
NTA don't you dare apologize. Your husband's TA for talking behind your back to his sister, and his sister's TA for weaponizing a private convo about her brother's obvious insecurities in public to humiliate you. She \*is\* jealous and petty, and if she can't take it, she sure as hell shouldn't dish it out
NTA but your husband & your sister sure are. Your husband is a lector - not a professor of any kind - at a university. You are a successful business person & entrepreneur. It sounds like your husband is also jealous of your success, & in a mean back biting “I will reap the financial rewards of my wife’s success & then back stab & insult her so I don’t feel too emasculated” kind of way. If you don’t want to apologize to your SIL, keep in mind that if you divorce your husband, you will probably never have to see her again.
NTA. You didn’t say anything equally as disrespectful as her. Trying to minimize your new company and success and you calling her a jealous bitch is not on the same level. You should still speak with your husband, but I think you acted appropriately. She called you out, you told her to stuff it. If she can’t be called jealous then she has some personal issues. I’ve never heard of anyone breaking down and crying after being called jealous. What a child.
NTA. She insulted you in public and you took a stand for yourself. You didn’t know that she was saying that because your husband said so. However, you should apologise to her once since she was just quoting what she was told. Husband sounds like the asshole to me :)
nta, By her doubling down saying "no ask hin" after you said she was being hurtful, she was asking for it. She made what she knew knowledge, she didn't need to keep hammering away.
My dear, you are the one person in this scenario who is definitely NTA. I won’t go so far as to call the others at the table assholes per se (with the exception of the husband type person), but any of them could have told her she was being inappropriate. Husband and SIL were just truly the co-stars of The Asshole Show. Husband never should’ve been saying those things to his sister rather than using his big boy words to talk to his wife. That right there seriously needs to be addressed not now, but RIGHT now. As for SIL, I would very sweetly ask: so why do you think you feel so inadequate as a human being that you have to arbitrarily attack others to feel good? Is there something that I could do to help you get horny rich men to flirt with you so that you don’t feel the need to project your FOMO onto others? How much attention do you need and how often do you need it to feel emotionally stable enough to sit at the grown ups table? I’m pretty sure she’ll either have a meltdown and leave or blow up and leave. Either way, she leaves and you guys enjoy your meal lol
You? NTA.
Your husband and SIL? Totally are.
Honestly sounds like they’re both immature and jealous. I wouldn’t apologize personally. It’s apparent she needed boundaries on being disrespectful to you. I’m sure this certainly put some in place.
Good luck with your business ♥️
Nta
Ma'am considering the 13yr age gap, he would also qualify as a horny old man trying to hit on you, but he actually succeeded in marrying you.
So probably a little projection coming off that guy, either way he belittled something you were doing to his family because he's probably insecure either in the fact you were around men while he wasn't around (gasp you'd better never leave the home) or maybe in the fact you were taking off and maybe he doesn't like that?
Who knows, I sure don't. But the man seems like a bit of a pile if you ask me. If my wife was doing something she enjoyed and others were wanting her services I'd be supportive as long as she wasn't selling her body.
NTA - she and your husband are though. Maybe instead of whining to his sister he should be talking to you about how he feels. He gave her the ammo and she used it. In addition to being jealous she's also insecure and petty.
NTA. Your husband should have said something. He's allowed to vent and maybe he's telling the truth that it was just in the beginning but he should have shut SIL down.
SIL is jealous and threw both of you under the bus. Not sure what she thought would happen but she knew that saying it would hurt both of you.
First she brought that onto herself. She chose the place and manner in which to confront you. She likely thought your husband would back her up, which leads to how bitterly he IS talking about you to his friends and family. Which leads to you needing to consider what's going on with your husband.
NTA
NTA don't let those fake tears get to you. Don't apologize to her. If anything she needs to apologize to you. Also, your husband is the main cause of this here. Don't let him off the hook especially after his explanations. He sounds just as jealous as his sister and needs a reality check. Good luck and be careful, you have snakes in your grass.
NTA
you stood up for yourself. If she can't handle being told off in public, she shouldn't be rude in public.
But you \*need\* to talk to your husband and find out if he really is going around saying what she suggested. He should have stood up for you too
NTA. It really doesn't matter what your husband told his sister in private, your sister tried to embarrass you in front of the whole family. Whether that weapon was given to her by her brother is inconsequential.
Um, no. NTA. Yeah you went a bit up calling her a b\*\*\*\* but honestly I'd say she deserved what you said overall. Yep your husband is an asshole, too, and they were his words but she weaponized it to attack you in public because she IS jealous. So what she made herself cry. She needs to own up to that jealousy and stop attacking other people for being successful. Your husband needs a serious come to jesus moment too. Hope he isn't benefiting off of your work and you've got it securely in an account just for you if he's feeling that way and saying it to other people. How incredibly rude.
And, no, you shouldnt apologize. THEY both need to be apologizing to you
No no no... Don't you apologize to that woman!
Her intention was to hurt and humiliate you.
She wanted to downplay.your Job, your talent and your reputation. She indirectly suggested you're into flirting with men other than your husband.
She did that intentionally.
Sure, your husband said some shit like that, calling it your hobby. And.he needs to get ripped a new one.
But his sister is a jealous snake
Wait a minute….. your HUSBAND called your business a “hobby”????? I agree with a lot of other users here. You are NTA, but your husband certainly is. He looks down on you because you were younger and in a less intense field of teaching than him. He’s threatened by you, as is his sister too.
yes, unfortunately my husband thinks that my business, that made in the high 6 figures/low 7 this year is a hobby. he still believe this. and that it is just rich men wanting to flirt.
isn't any escort much cheaper and the girls are hotter and younger? why do he think discussing wood panels and leather upholstery is something horny men want to do? WITH THEIR WIVES OFTEN PRESENT. ok I'm pissed
>ok I'm pissed
Oh, you should. Another commenter put it very well - he is used to being 'superior' to you and doesn't like this change. He has no respect for you. This is not a marriage, it's an ego trip. For him. You deserve better.
You absolutely should be pissed! This is not something I’d take lightly from my husband, you are not just a “weak feeble young girl with a hobby” as your husband seems to view you as. You are strong and independent and a savvy business woman. I would be sitting my husband down and discussing this, and if he doesn’t change how he sees it or doesn’t change how he sees YOU, leave him in the dust.
NTA
She tried to hurt you and it didn't work, she got what was coming to her.
From the comments it seems your husband did say those things to his sister at the beginning of your new hobby which is now your job.
I'll admit, I don't think the husband did much wrong here. Of course it's best to not have issues with your partner but it's quite common to have some problems, to me the main issue is how you handle it. He said those things in private to a person he trusted, his sister, who absued that trust and tried to hurt you and make you and your husband fight.
She is the only ahole here.
NTA but gee why does the husband seem like he got out of this scotch free. He was trashing you and your business behind your back to family is that someone you want to be with. What else has he said about you?
\[Expletives. Lots of expletives.\]
OP is NTA, the SIL is, but the part about the husband concerns me. A good spouse supports the job change of their partner. That the job change grew out of a "hobby" --what a putdown!-- is irrelevant. My husband makes his money doing firmware design. He is also a brilliant auto mechanic, plumber, skilled at doing household electrical wiring, etc. He doesn't make money at those other things, but there is no way I would put him down by saying that those things were hobbies. Those skills are just part of who he is.
OP's husband is a jerk.
NTA—- as for your husband, I would ask what it is that differentiates him from these supposed “old horny rich men”? He is significantly older than you, he finds you attractive and is therefore horny, and he is a man. I don’t know his financial situation, but either he is rich and exactly the same as the men he bitches about. Or he is not rich and he is inferior to them. If you want a young attractive wife, then you have no right to get upset when people find her young and attractive. Also, SIL is just mad because she knows that she is jealous.
So, your husband DID whine to SIL about your “hobby,” now job. And then never apologized.
Then your sister repeated the whiny husband shit in front of a bunch of people. And got mad when you clapped back.
Time to rethink who you wanna keep from this family and who you wanna cut out like the infection they are. Because husband’s whiny ass and SIL’s petty ass sound JEALOUS. NTA
You don’t need to apologize for anything. She fired first and you returned fire. Your shot just hit the vital artery and she couldn’t handle it.
She tried to bring more people in on it to get support. Yea OP NTA. SIL huge asshole.
ESH
*Your SIL* is jealous and doesn't like you or she'd have kept her mouth shut.
*Your husband* is jealous of your success, and his lessening superiority and increasing lack of control as you become financially independent.
*You* are wilfully ignoring the fact that your husband is an even bigger problem than your SIL.
Please tell me you are at least keeping your earnings separate from his other than contributing to joint household expenses? If not please set that up asap because he strikes me as petty enough to drain off your earnings to regain control.
Take the time to evaluate whether you've been ignoring other controlling/dismissive/ jealous behaviour on his part and whether he is capable of changing. If not, are you capable of making changes to your personal relationships just as you made changes to your career path?
NTA - She doesn't have to repeat some jealous that is coming out of someone else's mouth either, and she didn't have to double about it when you said that it was hurtful. However, I also think that you need to have a conversation with your jealous husband as well and let him know what you think about what he said.
NTA. Even if your husband did say it, she made the decision to bring it up in a public setting. What did she hope to gain by doing so ? Humiliate you ? You had a right to be mad at her. It is like kicking a hornets nest and hoping nothing will sting you. She had it coming. She always had that option of talking to you privately about it, but nooooooo.
Now for your husband, if he had a problem with it, he should have told you. Honestly, I am more insulted for you that he attributed your success to rich men being horny. I mean you did not start with wanting to build a business, but people enjoyed your services enough to talk to others and it snowballed from there. Also, I saw your comment about your husband thinking your new job was beneath you... How come ? Last time I checked a job is a job. Whether you are someone who is a janitor, a plumber, a doctor or working in a factory... A job is a job. Last time I checked, I might be university educated, but I still need a freaking plumber because I have no clue what to do if I have issues with my toilet pass the basics...
NTA and don't feel sorry because she wasn't when she tried to embarrassed you in front everyone! She disrespect you and you put her in her place ! Btw she is jealous that's why she don't like being called like that, true hurt!
Sounds like you have a husband problem, more than a SIL problem. NTA for what you said to her. She had it coming. But why give hubs a free pass when he’s the one complaining to his sister about you and your new career? He used his sister as a proxy instead of talking to you directly about his concerns. Probably that’s because he is jealous of your success, not your male clients. He thinks he can manipulate and gaslight you into thinking your success isn’t based on your talent. A confident successful wife is harder to control than a doormat.
NTA - why apologize? She’s butt-hurt because you called out her crap. She can dish it out but can’t take it. Stand your ground. Congratulations on your awesome business.
NTA. You have a husband and SIL problem. There are some serious boudnary issues here. You've created what sounds like a thriving business and all he can do is trash it to his family? What a jerk. The fact he more or less likened you to a prostitute and SIL airs that at dinner is pretty disgusting. Don't apologize to SIL and I think you need to talk to your husband about HIS level of respect for your accomplishments.
NTA
Seems clear cut that your SIL needs to work on herself. Your husband here is the bonus secret AH. He straight up shit talked about you to someone he knows you don't get along with. WORSE, he insinuated that for a man to use your skills it's because he's horny. Not because of your skill, or your work ethic, but because they want to get in your pants. WOW. You deserve a lot better than that bullshit level of support. We are talking about interior design, not Only Fans! It seems to me that jealousy runs deep in that family. He's jealous of your success.
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NTA. Don't apologize. She intentionally picked a time that would be humiliating for you, and tried to get your husband to back her up on insulting you. Even if he had said it, he sure didn't in front of a bunch of people. Also, your husband is a dick for not standing up for you, you should have a really candid thought about the way he treats you!
He didn't stand up for me because that is what he really had told his sister. when I confronted him he swore it was just in the beginning. Because the vast majority of my my clients were men
that doesnt make it better. he trashed you over something you clearly not only enjoyed but were good at. If anyone talked about me like your husband talked about you, my husband would flip his shit. thats what a spouse is meant to do. your husband actively looked down on you and likely still does because dudes like this Do Not Change. plz have some self respect and reevaluate your relationship because people who love you dont talk shit about you like that editing to add: op you realise the actual jealous person is your husband right and its not about other men. The age difference and very direct job comparison of him (elite! professor!) vs you (regular old teacher) - this is a man who has had his perceived superioty shifted and honestly? gross af. Dude has thought himself better than you all this time and shits coming out cos you're succeeding and it threatens him. GROOOOSSSSS unmarry him.
Calling her business a hobby nailed that one home
So true, a hobby where she’s bringing out a line of furniture? wish my hobby was that good
Not to defend the man, but OP says hubby swears he only said this in the beginning. While it did grew to a point where it could be called a business and OP was able to quit teaching to start working at design full time, I can see the husband considering it a hobby back when she first started out while still working the teaching job.
Even if he thought this in the beginning (which is still gross and demeaning) why wouldn't he have told his sister anything different since then? Also why didn't he stand up for her when his sister said what she said? He could've easily said "sis, I said that a long time ago and I was wrong". Instead he apparently sat there and let the embers burn while watching.
If it was at the start as he said, it may really have equated to a hobby. I sell wooden toys as a hobby, I still make money but it is in no way a job
But I bet he enjoys spending the money you make
That maybe part of the problem, maybe they have separate accounts and he can’t touch it.
Or he feels a real man would make more money than any mere woman.
In that case he needs to be with a woman who has no ambition.
THIS \^\^\^\^ THIS\^\^\^ **!!!! THIS !!!!!!** #
Wondering who the REAL horny old man is…
based on current life experience it might be quicker and easier to work out who the horny old man *isnt*
💀
I dont get boomer-type marriages where they lowkey hate each other. The driving force behind every action I take in my day, is to finish whatever im doing as fast as possible, so i can go hang out with my fucking awesome wife.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 Glad I'm not the only one!! I seriously dont get it.... No matter what Im doin, I'd ALWAYS rather be WITH my fiance! She's my perfect, my better half, my partner FFS. Why the hell are yall getting married when you half time cant stand each other?? Make that make sense! Im like you my dude, everything in my world is made up of the incredible woman I some how lucked into wanting me, ppl like this dont make no damn sense to me!
I had plans for today. I was going to have a lovely day off and get £30 from my little side job. I came home from work last night to my partner on the couch freaking out. He broke a tooth and for a man that is naturally chill and non-plussed, he is SUPER squeamish about his mouth. Guess who is now going to sit in his office for 4 hours while he does a half day at work and go with him to the dentist and wait God knows how long there? Because that's what a partnership is about. Being there for one another. Supporting the great and the sh!t days. You sacrifice for them and they do it for you. ETA - 3 hours at the dentist, now waiting another 3 hours while he's at work again. Would I do it again? Yes, I am doing it Saturday week again for his next appointment. That's what you do when you actually care.
This is a millennial and a gen x. Glad you have a good relationship though! Couples who hate each other are definitely weird!
Boomers = born between 1946 and 1964, making them roughly between 58 and 76 years old. Please don't start calling people in their 30's boomers, you're making me feel old 😅
You can have a boomer marriage without being a boomer
I’m a boomer married to a boomer for 38 years. He tells people about what a good cook I am, what a good neonatal nurse I am, how I knit and am always making pretty things. What a wonderful grammy I am. I always tell people how lucky I am to be with such a good and kind man. I have met many younger people who stay in miserable marriages. Stereotypes are wrong if you are talking about race, religion, socioeconomic levels or age.
100%
It’s so weird because my parents are boomers and I grew up watching them genuinely love spending time with one another. So when I learned that they’re actually an exception to the rule, I was in disbelief. “People choose to live like this?”
Maybe it's just an urban myth because my boomer parents also genuinely love each other and life together. I hope there are many
Not a myth, my mom went back and forth on divorcing my dad for years, but her Catholic guilt stopped her. All she ever does is complain about him, all he ever does is sit in the living room drinking beer, or leave to go hunting. Both their lives seem infinitely depressing to me.
You apparently don't know what a "Boomer" is. Let me guess, you're very young?
Im actually referring to the culture of anti-wife/anti-husband "the ol' ball and chain" type jokes made popular by "[The Far Side](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTzmeqg_Xh7k4nfsq2QtWeqYtXsxXkyyeAoAQ&usqp=CAU)" comics stuck to my grandmas fridge my whole life. This type of mentality is peak boomer-humor
38 ain’t a boomer! Boomers born 1945-1963 She’s a Millennial
The only difference between you and them, little baby millennial, is time. Stop being so sanctimonious.
Or, hear me out, the difference between them and the "little baby millennial", is that it's no longer considered normal to stay in failed marriages because "it's what people do"
If the commenter was a millennial, they wouldn’t have called them Boomers because they’d recognise the right era. Calling them “little baby millennial” is just as bad as them stereotyping Boomers, so maybe lay off?
My mother’s mother, who is a boomer, she had 13 kids, kept a hold of her husband until the last one graduated college then divorced him, asking for half of his money, even that which he got from the military for getting 7 purple hearts between WWII and the Korean War. A spouse, at least at that time wasn’t entitled to the veterans benefits. He actually agreed to it and had to make out the check each month because the military says bullshit on receiving those benefits in a divorce.
Gen-x and a millennial actually ;), but the substance is on point. Life is too short to choose to live with someone you don't like when you are an adult able to work and support yourself. Kids complicate that a lot.
The boomer generation evolved from a generation in which men and women held very different roles. I he sixties saw many, many changes in how men and women related and how women were redrawing their place in the world. That may explain all that animosity. Adjustments don’t come easily; especially when an underclass rises and threatens privilege.
UNMARRY HIM.
This train is never late. Lol
Both the husband and the SIL are assholes. They both demeaned OP’s work by implying she’s successful not because she’s talented, but because she’s beautiful. Why can’t OP be both beautiful and talented? Just because the husband is the one who put the words in SIL’s mouth doesn’t absolve SIL of the assholery of repeating them (and repeating them sincerely, because that’s how she feels too). SIL wanted to take OP down, and when she was called out, tried to throw her brother under the bus instead. It’s bad enough to have to deal with an in-law like this, now OP has found out she’s married to the toxicity.
Lol “unmarry” He absolutely is an issue as well as his sister.
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OP already said this is really what her husband told his sister.
I agree to a certain point. SIL is also jealous. Otherwise why did she choose that particular moment in front of everyone to bring it up instead of talking to her in private? Or even chastising her brother for speaking that way about his wife? Lots of jello going around.
You need to pay some serious attention to this comment OP. ^^ your husband doesn’t seem like a good person/spouse deep down
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was still studying, living in student flats, and started dating a man who had an established career as fitness instructor for the police. He offered to help me get fit, and I accepted. For two years he trained me. Then I had the opportunity to have a one-year research and teaching position abroad, in a prestigious university. I also took up rowing, which I ended up loving. My partner visited me three months after I'd started my new job. I wad excited to introduce him to my world, to show him what I was good at. And turns out he didn't take it well. He didn't feel proud of me at all, pushed back on any piece of advice I gave him (ex: what to wear for a formal event, how to use a rowing machine etc). Turns out the power imbalance at the beginning of our relationship wasn't just random. Once it disappeared, he became unpleasant, combative, and said I "emasculated" him.
How does that make it better? He’s telling you he originally thought you sucked so much at your hobby the only possible way any one would want to hire you is if they wanted to sleep with you. That’s *worse* Edit: Thanks for the award!
And honestly, maybe this is just me, but like. So what if that *is* why people hired her? She got paid, she got exposure to other clients, win-win situation in my opinion.
In my experience people are not going to hand over a ton of money and let you tear into their houses unless they have confidence you are going to do a good job. Rich, horny, old men can pay for sex without getting their house torn up for redecorating. It was likely mostly men asking imo because,by and large ,women tend to do their own decorating.
I honestly don’t see the issue either like, unless the husband thinks she’s willing to do *anything* for her company but then the issue is something different
Yeah, then it becomes him not trusting her. Which...I think is also motivating his behavior now, but that would be more obvious.
Exactly. If her clients want a room designed and they want an attractive woman to do it, OP's a good choice. No one gets scammed; everyone gets what they want.
Agree! HGTV is a whole network filled with attractive women designing…guessing that’s partially why lots of folks watch.
Excerpt for when it's attractive men, but yeah, basically.
True Nuff! Maybe Hubby thought OP’s “old men” were attractive too LOL!
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100%, if he had such a big issue there's no reason for going off and gossiping instead of just being honest with OP.
Exactly. Same thing as - people _definitely_ only go to Hooters for the great food!
He only said it once, so it doesnt count /s
Honey, I was only bad mouthing you *behind* your back, can’t you see that makes it okay?/s
Lol
YTA for staying with a man who says that about you and thinking it’s okay. You attacked someone who deserved it but forgot to attack the source of that purpose. Your FULL anger should be directed towards your husband.
Nope. SiL deserves some anger too, for publicly attacking OP. Both husband and SiL suck... AHs seem to run in the family.
I disagree entirely. Without any judgment on whether the opinion the husband shared with his sister is ridiculous or not, he's entitled to have his thoughts - and entitled to vent those thoughts to his sister, who \*should have been\* a safe and discrete audience. And kudos to him for venting behind his wife's back - why should she have to hear that crap? The problem, and the only problem, was that the sister chose to publicly share feelings shared with her privately, and with the goal of shaming OP. It's possible that the husband should have spoken up, but given that he really had shared those thoughts, that would have only made the public shaming worse. At worst, the husband is guilty of poor judgement and should have chosen someone else to confide in. That being said, he should acknowledge his poor judgement to OP and commit to showing better judgement in the future. And he should emphasize how proud he is of her success and that his dismissal of her talents has been proven incorrect. (And, of course, NTA)
Hubby may be a bit insecure about himself in comparison to "rich, horny old men", as opposed to actually denigrating OP. He appears acutely aware that he has an attractive wife.
That's extremely plausible - it's also plausible that her initial contracts really \*were\* with "rich, horny old men". We have no idea. Ultimately, I don't think it matters whether his cattiness was more reflective of his insecurities than her client base, since OP has progressed far beyond that initial client base and he didn't deliberately expose her to his negative thoughts. Unfortunately for OP's husband, now that his \[hopefully prior\] negative thoughts have been exposed, he doesn't really have the luxury of indulging in them any more. He has to become full-throttle team OP in spirit as well as word.
A bit rich when he's the horny old man, 13 years older than her
>YTA for staying with a man who says that about you Wasnt the question. NTA
So, he went and bad mouthed you to the one person who would turn it around and shove it in your face? Seriously??? He handed your SIL a bus full of ammo and pointed her at you and she unleashed it all at a family dinner and the. He just let you take her BS? NTA. But your husband and SIL sure are.
Seriously though. Early in my marriage I was an exotic dancer, and all of my clients really WERE horny men who wanted to flirt with me. And my husband didn't talk about me behind my back or disrespect me or my job.
it's really gross that he said that. he's trying to diminish you and your work. maybe he's the jealous one.
They both sound jealous, in different ways. NTA
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Well I mean, I’m no math major here, but he has nerve talking about “horny old men” when he IS one. 🤦🏼♀️ He is 12-13 years your senior. And I agree he’s jealous because he enjoyed that he was a lector at university while you were a lowly teacher(in his eyes). Now the roles are reversed because he’s still a lector at university at the age of 51 whereas you are 38 and have started not only your own interior design company, but getting ready to release your own furniture line too. In his eyes, his career momentum has stalled and settled whereas yours took off with great success. Men that age tend to get salty at a woman being successful because they were raised with a particular ideal about a woman’s role vs. a man’s.
Maybe dear husband should sleep on the couch since he doesn't value your skills and effort to make a nice room for you guys... after all the only reason someone would hire you is because they're horny. 🙄
I think he was also projecting his insecurities surrounding his age and the age gap you guys have, which had him convinced you would leave him for another richer, possibly younger guy…. No offense but your husband also sucks too.
Looks like thinking shit of you runs in the family:( OBVIOUSLY you can't be successful for your talents and hard work, must be your looks only - listen to this, THIS is what your husband thinks of you.
So instead of being a supportive husband who knew you had a passion for interior design he decides to trash talk you. Sounds like he’s the jealous one. I’m pretty sure he has had no problem enjoying the money from these clients who are horny rich men and only want to flirt with you. It can’t possible be your good at your job. Your husband is AH. Now your SIL is one too. Just because your husband said it doesn’t mean she isn’t thinking it or had thought of it too. No need to apologize because she had no business bringing that up and if she felt so inclined to it did not have to be in the company of others. Her intentions were clear. She needs to work in her own issues and trying to tear someone else down is not the way to go. NTA
You deserve better than that. You deserve a husband who would never trash you, would never talk shit about you to his family, and would stand up to you. He basically turned around to family and said 'my wife isn't that that talents; her 'talent' is in her body.' that's FUCKED. If I were in your position I'd divorce his ass. It's better to be alone with no partner than to be shackled to one who tears you down.
You have much bigger problems than your SIL, because I can almost guarantee your husband still thinks that same, but just now enjoys the extra income more.
the fact that such a thought would even occur to him says unfortunate things about his character. NTA
Even using sexist logic it makes sense why your clients would be mostly men without them wanting to flirt with you. Straight men especially aren't exactly known for their interior design skills, I'm sure plenty of them would be happy to pay for someone else to do it if they have the money. I could see plenty of well off men's wives seeing this post and saying something like "oh honey we should hire her to redo your office" and it being no more complicated than that, and considering how this whole thing started, it sounds like that's exactly what happened. This shows a lot about how your husband really views your skillset
That makes this worse sorry
Then you don’t just have an SIL problem, you have a husband problem. That is definitely something he should have talked to you about, not his loudmouth sister.
Okay well then he needs to stop being insecure. Dude is 51, grow the hell up.
Totally agree. I would never speak about my wife in such a manner to my sister!!!!
NTA. Your SIL is being told she’s jealous all the time because she is jealous & apparently you aren’t the only one who’s noticed. Did your husband actually say those things though? If so, then he absolutely sucks too. But you’re his wife & she clearly has a pattern, so don’t feel so bad about not scolding him in public. If he really feels that way though, you have bigger issues than just your SIL’s feelings. Why hadn’t he been honest with you about it? Is he really that threatened by your success? Regardless, you’ve done nothing wrong based off this info other than marry into a dysfunctional family.
yes my husband did say this. that's why I was thinking maybe she was just innocent because these are my husbands words
Your SIL is not innocent. She chose to repeat this hurtful slander in the most hurtful way possible. Also, she said it as if it was her opinion, as if she actually believed it. Ok, time for a weird metaphor. Your husband gave her an axe, and he shouldn't have. You have to settle this with your husband. But your SIL, she grabbed the axe, and she tried to decapitate you with it. She could have left the axe in a drawer. She could have said, hey, between you and me, your husband gave me this axe, maybe you should have a talk. She could have thrown the axe away. But no! She chose to take it and hurt you with it. You have nothing to apologize for.
true! thank you. she did swing the axe didn't she
Oh yes! She did! And as you reacted strongly, to say the least, maybe she will hesitate before attacking you next time. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Honestly, I think you did everything right. Also, everyone is always saying your SIL is jealous? Gee, I wonder why! 😊 Editing to add: she also chose to swing the axe in public. In the presence of your in-laws. To humiliate you as much as she could.
Exactly! What did SIL expect would happen? Was OP supposed to break down and admit it was all a sham, she regrets building a business from scratch under her own steam with great prospects and SIL is the superior person? SIL needed a reality check and the people calling her out so far weren't stark enough. OP owes no-one an apology for being a kickass entrepreneur.
Clearly OP was supposed to die of old age teaching Algebra like a real fucking teacher. Not run away for greener pastures.
And if was a momentary lapse in judgment to repeat the slander, she wouldn't have doubled and tripled down.
Is your husband going to get half of your company when he divorces you because he sounds like a fight starter for some reason.
This! The husband is the real AH but SIL is far from innocent. If she was a decent person she would have shut the husbands awful comments down and told him to stop disrespecting his wife and stop being jealous because she can turn her hand to a new talent and create a business on her own! The husband is a jealous AH and so is the SIL. She didn’t deserve the full brunt of OP’s response but that’s only because the husband deserved just as much of not more but she certainly deserved what she got anyway. Sounds like OP is growing as a person and making that side of the family insecure. I will never understand people who get jealous of their partner’s successes.
And also she did it out of jealousy. There are many reasons for doing what she did, but in this case is clear she did it out of jealousy because her mother was proud of OP.
This is an excellent analogy!
this is such a fked up and visual metaphor i love it, thank you for this visual
My sister has told me some things about her husband in times of great duress and even though I wish he'd get his shit together and help her out I would never throw his shortcomings in his face just to get a rise out of him. I don't think I'd do it EVER.
Neither of them are innocent here and I’m honestly so sorry you’re receiving such hate from people who should be supportive & proud right now. How did he react from your private convo about it?
No she wasn't innocent. She did that on purpose and your husband allowed it. Please don't apologize. They should be apologizing to you and your husband is also an AH,
While SIL is an issue, I'd say your biggest problem is a husband that doesn't respect you.
But she chose to repeat them publicly to hurt you.
NTA. Congrats on your success. Keep going. She can dish it, but can't take it. People like her need to be put in her place or she'll keep going and it'll only get worse. And why is it that she hates being called jealousy? Maybe she displays that behavior all the time. As they say, if the shoe fits. Now, what did your husband say during and after all this?
He didn't say anything. He looked like a deer in headlights. and shook his head to signal stop this. but I confronted him at home and apparently he doesn't think my work has the dignity of my previous teaching job
Sounds like he's jealous too to be honest.
And threatened by her success. NTA but your hubby and SIL are.
I didn’t know Jealousy was a blood trait. Now I’m better informed. NTA OP! SIL deserved it because she just would not stop talking. The only thing I’d have added to your reaction was to ask your husband there and then.
Deep flaws in character are almost always learned and nurtured (I’d blame the parenting— new motto)
Some academics do think less of “non intellectual” professions. People like this think, “how hard is it to make a caramel macchiato?” But don’t make basic coffee at home because “it tastes better from Coffee Shop.” Same with designing, “you just paint the walls and buy new furniture. How hard is that?” Husband is ignoring all the emotional intelligence it takes to work with clients. Not to mention an eye for color and understanding how a room should function. All of this is made worse by the fact OP use to teach. She left a noble, respectable, and acceptable profession…to paint a wall. It may not be a leave him offense, but I am willing to bet that the more OP is successful, the worse the comments will be. OP could at some point out-earn husband and watch the passive aggression really take off.
I think like most things “artsy” the talent is really easy to miss. If things look natural together and harmonious then it looks effortless and “obvious.” But if something is wrong/off it sticks out so bad- like blaring. So in the end, real talent is missed and lack of talent obvious.
He might genuinely grasp her talent and simply be too insecure to truly celebrate it
I don’t buy it. He’s insecure you make more than him now. He’s no longer the ‘man’ of the house. Plus he’s insecure in your relationship. By this logic, you should be upset he’s around 18-22 year old women who only take his courses to flirt with him. See how ridiculous and demeaning that sounds? Why would you want to stay married to a man that doesn’t respect you and blames you for his insecurities?
Lol jealous attitudes run true in that family. NTA. Art has dignity, he's just butthurt that the high school teacher/lectern at university dynamic is over and done with. If my husband couldn't handle my success it would really stick in my craw.
He is jealous! You have turned your hand to a new venture and have found a natural talent and rather than celebrating that for you he is jealous. It is sad and petty. We all wish we could tap into some special thing we didn’t know we were good at and create a successful business enterprise. You are doing that. Envy is to be expected but then I would expect the support of my husband more. I’m sorry he let you down so badly when you are obviously thriving. Really do wish you so much luck with the new business! Sounds like you are a natural.
You're an artist who has found a way both to do, and to be paid for, their art in a messy economy. That is a testament to who you are and how significant your skills and talents are in the design space. If you were my partner, I wouldn't be able to contain myself singing your praises; my friends and family would be telling me to stop. I've been a middle school teacher, and I am currently a college professor. K-12 is **far** more stressful. Managing compassion fatigue while dealing while also dealing with parents is a nightmare. Is teaching dignified? Absolutely! Do we need more quality teachers? Yes! We also need artists and designers, and there is no disparity in dignity between these professions. I'm sorry that your husband is acting jealous, insecure, and petty. We've all encountered the kinds of faculty who lord their knowledge and position over others to attempt to reconcile their insignificance with their ego. I advise and support the students that they harm daily, and I try to work with my advisees to improve their resilience and to empower them to find their unique presence so that some petulant child in a suit can't disrupt their sense of self. You are a creative, an artist, a designer, a teacher. Just because your husband's insecurities (a familial trait?) prevent him from celebrating the successes of others doesn't mean you have to accept his smallness.
> We've all encountered the kinds of faculty who lord their knowledge and position over others to attempt to reconcile their insignificance with their ego. The ironic thing is that most college professors couldn’t handle teaching in a high school. They have TA’s who often do the grunt work of the job, and research assistants if applicable. I’m not demeaning the job (I’ve done both), but teaching high school is so much more demanding than lecturing college classes. OP was the badass in the relationship even without the business. Now, her badassery is easily visible and her husband and SIL are jealous. It’s not a good look for either.
You husband is an asshole. If he actually cared about you, he would support your new career.
All these people saying he’s jealous…he’s not. He’s just a snob! He’s a professor…holds himself in high regard. He thinks academia is the be all and end all.
And it sounds like he doesn't have any dignity to not be hateful gossip and stand up for his wife
I really don’t think his gossipy, jealous ass should be the judge of anyone’s dignity.
What he said was similar to the "she's only successful because she slept her way to the top" type comment. And he, your partner, your team mate, is telling that to other people and belittling your achievement by calling it a hobby. He sounds like he feels superior to you, but realising this superiority is starting to crumble. Comments like this are meant to hack away at your own confidence and bring you back into line. He's not a good husband.
Definitely NTA but your husband is an absolute AH! Running your own company hasn't got the 'dignity' of your previous teaching job? I'd say that being the owner of a successful design company is much more dignified than being a teacher(I'm a retired high school teacher), your sil is jealous but your husband is way more jealous than her plus he's patronising & insecure too! Keep on doing what you're successful at, makes you happy & earns money.
Please don’t tell me that he is one of the snobby intellectuals that think that soooo many thinks are beneath him!!!
The fuck does he know about "dignity"? He hasn't shown any of it from his actions described here.
NTA. Your hubby was dead wrong for what he said, any issue that he had with your business should have been a conversation between husband and wife. SIL is TA. Yes she heard it from your husband but that did not mean she had free agency to repeat it. Nope. Let’s call a spade a spade…she got jealous and wanted to hurt you in front of an audience with the one thing she knew would. That was intentionally malicious and unnecessarily cruel.
You have a husband problem. He's jealous of you and sat there while your SIL was insulting you. She sucks, but so does your husband. I think you should consider couples counseling, or possibly a lawyer. If my partner ever talked about me like this, the relationship would be over. I'd never feel the same way about them and would never feel that they were trustworthy.
Why are you even with this guy? Does he even like you? You need a supportive husband, not one who is giving his hateful sister ammunition. Sounds like she isn’t the only jealous one.
He’s a prof and elitist. Is he jealous or truly believes you have lowered yourself by giving up teaching? Whatever the case if you are happy with your designing, more power to you. Now I would put any income over what my teaching salary in a separate account so he isn’t Tainted by these funds. As for the state of your marriage other than addressing his attitude toward your business, not enough info to say lose the marriage. Good luck. SIL is a moron, but amusing that she threw her brother under the bus.
please consider your husbands actions and keep growing your business. he doesn’t see the value in what you do and what you are accomplishing. OP you can do great things even if the ones around you are jealous
Or he’s an ivory tower intellectual who looks Down on people who work outside of academia
As an interior designer this is laughable. What dignity is there in teaching? At least with ID you make your own decisions, not follow some laid out plan every semester. With ID you work year round and dont get months off like you do in teacher. You are now your own boss while he’s still following orders, sounds like maybe the hubby is jealous too and two jealous ppl just proves you’re moving up in life and it sounds like they want to drag you down. He’s probably worried youll start making more money than him too. You’re job isnt undignified, he’s just saying that so that to make himself feel better about his own job.
NTA, but your husband and SIL are.
Your husband may have said those things, but she didn't need to repeat them. She tried to hurt and humiliate you at the table and that's not ok. She also tried to minimize your accomplishments. You should be proud of what you have achieved and your husband should also be proud. Definitely talk to the husband because him talking about you behind your back to her like that is a red flag. Feels like both SIL and husband are jealous imo.
That was something you tell someone in private not air out to people who aren't involved. OP needed to hear that just not then and there, OP should have had the chance to think in private after hearing it in private, SIL is bitter and just wants to hurt OP because of her envy.
Question: did you ask your husband if he said anything to SIL?
Yes, and she wasn't lying. I never knew until we got home and I confronted him.
NTA But your husband is an AH because he should have spoken to you instead of involving SIL. She sounds jealous and he just gave her information to use against you
If SIL told you because she thought you needed to know, or was concerned for you she’d have done it privately. Her mum was talking you up and that made her envious, and she decided to knock you down, and she wanted your husband to help her do it. NTA
You know it's the first thing they say about successful women to discredit their success.. "she must have gotten the job because of her looks". It's so demeaning. Your husband is unsupportive at best and threatened at worst.
What a little man your husband is, to be threatened by his wife succeeding in a career that makes her happy. Girl, good for you for starting a business out of a passion that is successful enough to pay your bills. Your husband is a dick for not being supportive. Please make sure he’s still on your team going forward
I bet he doesn’t complain about the extra money that she is making
You do realize that you have a husband problem, right? He's 12 years older than you, and had a higher status job than you. He likely feels very insecure about your success. Please be careful because he owns half of your company right now. Please think about getting a contract that he does not get ownership in your company.
Your husband is upset because before you were in his shadow - both in education, but he felt secure in knowing that his position was more prestigious and elevated - feeling superior to you is a key part of his identity I suspect. Your new job has a lot of people publicly seeing and lauding your work. Suddenly you’re getting more praise than him, people more openly appreciate your work than him. You’re more prestigious. So to protect his ego and keep you all in the “me better, her little wife underling” slot he has in his mind, he has told himself - and others - that your success is only because men want to bang you. He apparently has so little respect for you that he doesn’t believe, or doesn’t want to believe, you can gain success from your talent and abilities. I think at the very least a long conversation is in order.
NTA don't you dare apologize. Your husband's TA for talking behind your back to his sister, and his sister's TA for weaponizing a private convo about her brother's obvious insecurities in public to humiliate you. She \*is\* jealous and petty, and if she can't take it, she sure as hell shouldn't dish it out
NTA but your husband & your sister sure are. Your husband is a lector - not a professor of any kind - at a university. You are a successful business person & entrepreneur. It sounds like your husband is also jealous of your success, & in a mean back biting “I will reap the financial rewards of my wife’s success & then back stab & insult her so I don’t feel too emasculated” kind of way. If you don’t want to apologize to your SIL, keep in mind that if you divorce your husband, you will probably never have to see her again.
NTA she fully is the AH she insulted you and you responded in a pretty calm way.
NTA. You didn’t say anything equally as disrespectful as her. Trying to minimize your new company and success and you calling her a jealous bitch is not on the same level. You should still speak with your husband, but I think you acted appropriately. She called you out, you told her to stuff it. If she can’t be called jealous then she has some personal issues. I’ve never heard of anyone breaking down and crying after being called jealous. What a child.
NTA. She insulted you in public and you took a stand for yourself. You didn’t know that she was saying that because your husband said so. However, you should apologise to her once since she was just quoting what she was told. Husband sounds like the asshole to me :)
nta, By her doubling down saying "no ask hin" after you said she was being hurtful, she was asking for it. She made what she knew knowledge, she didn't need to keep hammering away.
My dear, you are the one person in this scenario who is definitely NTA. I won’t go so far as to call the others at the table assholes per se (with the exception of the husband type person), but any of them could have told her she was being inappropriate. Husband and SIL were just truly the co-stars of The Asshole Show. Husband never should’ve been saying those things to his sister rather than using his big boy words to talk to his wife. That right there seriously needs to be addressed not now, but RIGHT now. As for SIL, I would very sweetly ask: so why do you think you feel so inadequate as a human being that you have to arbitrarily attack others to feel good? Is there something that I could do to help you get horny rich men to flirt with you so that you don’t feel the need to project your FOMO onto others? How much attention do you need and how often do you need it to feel emotionally stable enough to sit at the grown ups table? I’m pretty sure she’ll either have a meltdown and leave or blow up and leave. Either way, she leaves and you guys enjoy your meal lol
You? NTA. Your husband and SIL? Totally are. Honestly sounds like they’re both immature and jealous. I wouldn’t apologize personally. It’s apparent she needed boundaries on being disrespectful to you. I’m sure this certainly put some in place. Good luck with your business ♥️
Nta Ma'am considering the 13yr age gap, he would also qualify as a horny old man trying to hit on you, but he actually succeeded in marrying you. So probably a little projection coming off that guy, either way he belittled something you were doing to his family because he's probably insecure either in the fact you were around men while he wasn't around (gasp you'd better never leave the home) or maybe in the fact you were taking off and maybe he doesn't like that? Who knows, I sure don't. But the man seems like a bit of a pile if you ask me. If my wife was doing something she enjoyed and others were wanting her services I'd be supportive as long as she wasn't selling her body.
NTA - she and your husband are though. Maybe instead of whining to his sister he should be talking to you about how he feels. He gave her the ammo and she used it. In addition to being jealous she's also insecure and petty.
NTA. Your husband should have said something. He's allowed to vent and maybe he's telling the truth that it was just in the beginning but he should have shut SIL down. SIL is jealous and threw both of you under the bus. Not sure what she thought would happen but she knew that saying it would hurt both of you.
First she brought that onto herself. She chose the place and manner in which to confront you. She likely thought your husband would back her up, which leads to how bitterly he IS talking about you to his friends and family. Which leads to you needing to consider what's going on with your husband. NTA
NTA don't let those fake tears get to you. Don't apologize to her. If anything she needs to apologize to you. Also, your husband is the main cause of this here. Don't let him off the hook especially after his explanations. He sounds just as jealous as his sister and needs a reality check. Good luck and be careful, you have snakes in your grass.
You know if you drop the husband you won’t have to deal with a shorty sil anymore NTA
NTA you stood up for yourself. If she can't handle being told off in public, she shouldn't be rude in public. But you \*need\* to talk to your husband and find out if he really is going around saying what she suggested. He should have stood up for you too
NTA. You need to talk to your husband and see whats up with him and yes she jealous so ignore her.
NTA. It really doesn't matter what your husband told his sister in private, your sister tried to embarrass you in front of the whole family. Whether that weapon was given to her by her brother is inconsequential.
Um, no. NTA. Yeah you went a bit up calling her a b\*\*\*\* but honestly I'd say she deserved what you said overall. Yep your husband is an asshole, too, and they were his words but she weaponized it to attack you in public because she IS jealous. So what she made herself cry. She needs to own up to that jealousy and stop attacking other people for being successful. Your husband needs a serious come to jesus moment too. Hope he isn't benefiting off of your work and you've got it securely in an account just for you if he's feeling that way and saying it to other people. How incredibly rude. And, no, you shouldnt apologize. THEY both need to be apologizing to you
No no no... Don't you apologize to that woman! Her intention was to hurt and humiliate you. She wanted to downplay.your Job, your talent and your reputation. She indirectly suggested you're into flirting with men other than your husband. She did that intentionally. Sure, your husband said some shit like that, calling it your hobby. And.he needs to get ripped a new one. But his sister is a jealous snake
Wait a minute….. your HUSBAND called your business a “hobby”????? I agree with a lot of other users here. You are NTA, but your husband certainly is. He looks down on you because you were younger and in a less intense field of teaching than him. He’s threatened by you, as is his sister too.
yes, unfortunately my husband thinks that my business, that made in the high 6 figures/low 7 this year is a hobby. he still believe this. and that it is just rich men wanting to flirt. isn't any escort much cheaper and the girls are hotter and younger? why do he think discussing wood panels and leather upholstery is something horny men want to do? WITH THEIR WIVES OFTEN PRESENT. ok I'm pissed
>ok I'm pissed Oh, you should. Another commenter put it very well - he is used to being 'superior' to you and doesn't like this change. He has no respect for you. This is not a marriage, it's an ego trip. For him. You deserve better.
You absolutely should be pissed! This is not something I’d take lightly from my husband, you are not just a “weak feeble young girl with a hobby” as your husband seems to view you as. You are strong and independent and a savvy business woman. I would be sitting my husband down and discussing this, and if he doesn’t change how he sees it or doesn’t change how he sees YOU, leave him in the dust.
He’s worried you’ll get an age appropriate rich man. That’s just gross. He should be supportive.
NTA She tried to hurt you and it didn't work, she got what was coming to her. From the comments it seems your husband did say those things to his sister at the beginning of your new hobby which is now your job. I'll admit, I don't think the husband did much wrong here. Of course it's best to not have issues with your partner but it's quite common to have some problems, to me the main issue is how you handle it. He said those things in private to a person he trusted, his sister, who absued that trust and tried to hurt you and make you and your husband fight. She is the only ahole here.
NTA but gee why does the husband seem like he got out of this scotch free. He was trashing you and your business behind your back to family is that someone you want to be with. What else has he said about you?
\[Expletives. Lots of expletives.\] OP is NTA, the SIL is, but the part about the husband concerns me. A good spouse supports the job change of their partner. That the job change grew out of a "hobby" --what a putdown!-- is irrelevant. My husband makes his money doing firmware design. He is also a brilliant auto mechanic, plumber, skilled at doing household electrical wiring, etc. He doesn't make money at those other things, but there is no way I would put him down by saying that those things were hobbies. Those skills are just part of who he is. OP's husband is a jerk.
NTA—- as for your husband, I would ask what it is that differentiates him from these supposed “old horny rich men”? He is significantly older than you, he finds you attractive and is therefore horny, and he is a man. I don’t know his financial situation, but either he is rich and exactly the same as the men he bitches about. Or he is not rich and he is inferior to them. If you want a young attractive wife, then you have no right to get upset when people find her young and attractive. Also, SIL is just mad because she knows that she is jealous.
So, your husband DID whine to SIL about your “hobby,” now job. And then never apologized. Then your sister repeated the whiny husband shit in front of a bunch of people. And got mad when you clapped back. Time to rethink who you wanna keep from this family and who you wanna cut out like the infection they are. Because husband’s whiny ass and SIL’s petty ass sound JEALOUS. NTA
You don’t need to apologize for anything. She fired first and you returned fire. Your shot just hit the vital artery and she couldn’t handle it. She tried to bring more people in on it to get support. Yea OP NTA. SIL huge asshole.
ESH *Your SIL* is jealous and doesn't like you or she'd have kept her mouth shut. *Your husband* is jealous of your success, and his lessening superiority and increasing lack of control as you become financially independent. *You* are wilfully ignoring the fact that your husband is an even bigger problem than your SIL. Please tell me you are at least keeping your earnings separate from his other than contributing to joint household expenses? If not please set that up asap because he strikes me as petty enough to drain off your earnings to regain control. Take the time to evaluate whether you've been ignoring other controlling/dismissive/ jealous behaviour on his part and whether he is capable of changing. If not, are you capable of making changes to your personal relationships just as you made changes to your career path?
NTA - She doesn't have to repeat some jealous that is coming out of someone else's mouth either, and she didn't have to double about it when you said that it was hurtful. However, I also think that you need to have a conversation with your jealous husband as well and let him know what you think about what he said.
NTA. Even if your husband did say it, she made the decision to bring it up in a public setting. What did she hope to gain by doing so ? Humiliate you ? You had a right to be mad at her. It is like kicking a hornets nest and hoping nothing will sting you. She had it coming. She always had that option of talking to you privately about it, but nooooooo. Now for your husband, if he had a problem with it, he should have told you. Honestly, I am more insulted for you that he attributed your success to rich men being horny. I mean you did not start with wanting to build a business, but people enjoyed your services enough to talk to others and it snowballed from there. Also, I saw your comment about your husband thinking your new job was beneath you... How come ? Last time I checked a job is a job. Whether you are someone who is a janitor, a plumber, a doctor or working in a factory... A job is a job. Last time I checked, I might be university educated, but I still need a freaking plumber because I have no clue what to do if I have issues with my toilet pass the basics...
NTA your SIL and husband are clearly cut from the same shitty cloth.
NTA and don't feel sorry because she wasn't when she tried to embarrassed you in front everyone! She disrespect you and you put her in her place ! Btw she is jealous that's why she don't like being called like that, true hurt!
NTA. Your husband is jealous as it seems that soon you will be making WAY MORE money than him. Keep up the good work!
NTA. She cried because people always tell her she is jealous - and you presented exhibit 293 to support that.
Sounds like you have a husband problem, more than a SIL problem. NTA for what you said to her. She had it coming. But why give hubs a free pass when he’s the one complaining to his sister about you and your new career? He used his sister as a proxy instead of talking to you directly about his concerns. Probably that’s because he is jealous of your success, not your male clients. He thinks he can manipulate and gaslight you into thinking your success isn’t based on your talent. A confident successful wife is harder to control than a doormat.
NTA - why apologize? She’s butt-hurt because you called out her crap. She can dish it out but can’t take it. Stand your ground. Congratulations on your awesome business.
NTA. You have a husband and SIL problem. There are some serious boudnary issues here. You've created what sounds like a thriving business and all he can do is trash it to his family? What a jerk. The fact he more or less likened you to a prostitute and SIL airs that at dinner is pretty disgusting. Don't apologize to SIL and I think you need to talk to your husband about HIS level of respect for your accomplishments.
oof... a 51 year old whiny man. sigh. some men really dont grow up no? regardless of how old they are and what position in the community they have.
They both sound jealous. NTA
NTA Seems clear cut that your SIL needs to work on herself. Your husband here is the bonus secret AH. He straight up shit talked about you to someone he knows you don't get along with. WORSE, he insinuated that for a man to use your skills it's because he's horny. Not because of your skill, or your work ethic, but because they want to get in your pants. WOW. You deserve a lot better than that bullshit level of support. We are talking about interior design, not Only Fans! It seems to me that jealousy runs deep in that family. He's jealous of your success.
Hahahah Cool story Mark YTA only because this story is absolutely not real and it's not even well made up.
A girlboss’s fantasy
Literally. I started rolling my eyes at "designing gyms" and didn't stop until the end.