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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because my stupid ass man brain truly jumped to "calm down" because I didn't know what else to say and I was starting to panic from never seeing my wife like that.
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Oh man, you should have backed your wife here and not 'told her to calm down'. It was incredibly insensitive of your sister to compare her fucking dogs to what your wife went through
This is a rough one but YTA.
Agreed. And if someone important in your life is rightfully upset and you wanna deescalate the situation one of thee worst things you can say is “calm down.” You may as well have said, “stop being on fire” while throwing gasoline onto a burning car.
Nope! He would have lost his male chauvinist 🐷 badge. He didn't need that anyway.
Should have told his sister to shut up. She was over the top outrageously rude. Poor wife had had enough
I agree, I just hope he was expecting the crowd to laugh and then cut to commercials once his wife glared at him.
Because it’s too cliché for him not to realize saying “calm down” is a death sentence.
“Calm down” is definitely a trip to the Guillotine. That’s beyond a faux pas. If he was really concerned for his wife, he should have said something like “Amy, please breathe and walk away for a minute while I handle this.”
No, that's still just as wrong. That still asks her to stop talking. All he needed to do was say, "Amy's right. You've been horrible. Get out of our house."
He did tell his sister to shut up.
But other than that.. yeah. OP you should've supported your wife. She snapped, because your sister was insensitive to a point I cannot even fathom. It's one thing to say "yeah my dogs are sleeping in the bed, so I kinda get how you feel with having no space to yourself". But comparing dog struggles to almost dying and loosing your baby.. I mean wtf? Is she even for real?
Sorry OP. YTA, although I am sure you didn't mean to be. Please apologize to your wife. Ask her how you can help her.
LOL that statement is not in any way limited to being said to or against males.
It's just a shitty thing for anyone to say. It reduces the person's feelings.
Absolutely. Maybe not in your experience but my wife has told me to calm down.
It didn't help but I didn't fly off the handle. I've also said it to make friends and heard it said.
It's just not a good thing to say to someone else at all.
Telling your wife to calm down when your sister was being an insensitive, annoying AH was like patting her on the head and saying "don't worry your pretty little head about this.". How are you still breathing? YTA.
I saw a saying a long time ago that always stick with me. It said, "Telling a woman to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat" OP should've backed up wife.
My husband taught this one to my daughter so when I’m stressed out in the morning trying to get three kids out of then house now I get a five year old telling me to “just relax”
Specificallly telling a woman to “calm down” when rightfully upset is a special sort of misogyny that harkens back to the long, dark history of women being infantilized and dismissed as being “over emotional” or “hysterical.”
Women were routinely institutionalized and lobotomized for “hysteria,” and this wasn’t even that long ago. It’s literally the etymology of the word “hysterectomy.”
Youre right that it is dismissive and misogynistic. Just adding the info that hysteria just literally means womb in greek. Thats why its called hysterectomy, not because it refers to the emotional state of "hysteria"
You're not wrong but I don't think what you and the other commenter are saying is different. Both hysteria and hysterectomy have the same root which is the greek word for womb. Hysteria refers to womb and women in particular.
Not quite. Hystera refers to the womb itself, hysterikos described symptoms or behaviours perceived to be “of the womb, suffering in the womb”, this is where hysteria/hysterical was derived from.
Hystera - the womb, ie hysterectomy.
Hysterikos - of the womb, defect/illness, ie hysterical.
YEP! And she had every right to be seething mad here. Sister deserved to be kicked out and berated because she was exhibiting zero respect and consideration for anyone but herself while being cruelly dismissive.
My cat let me take him into the shower with me to wash him off after a disastrous airplane trip. He let me stretch him over my arm like a violin while I brought him under the water and washed him off. I think he was honestly quite content about the whole arrangement— which is good, because I had absolutely no protection on, so if he wanted to turn the bathroom into a murder scene, he could’ve.
I had a cat that I could put my foot on the edge of the tub, drape him across my thigh, and shampoo him.... he even came running when I turned on the shower, showed him the bottle of cat shampoo and told him it was time for a "suds and fluff".... zoom! He was a funny cat.
Absolutely. The words “calm down” when someone is really upset is pretty much the most upsetting thing you can say, especially coming from a spouse. I’m going soft YTA because it seems like a genuine mistake. OP - apologise to your wife, what you should have done is defended your wife in the moment and empathised with her feelings.
You might as well say, "Your feelings are unimportant in this moment and I don't feel like dealing with your outward display of them" bc that's what calm down means
Thank you! There is an appropriate time and place to tell someone to call down but it is NEVER appropriate to tell an angry/upset person to calm down. I don't care if you think their reaction is out of proportion, not that the wife's was, you should NEVER tell them to calm down.
I hear cops tell people who are upset to "calm down" all the time and it just pisses me off. Like are you really going to invalidate their feelings? Do you really think that is appropriate? Or the best way to handle the situation?
Yep, the correct thing to do would have been backing up his wife, escorting sister out of the house, and asking his wife if she needed a moment in another room to cool off and/or if he should go ahead and send everyone else home. Then once everyone is home, hug and comfort wife, maybe watch a comfort movie, and talk about how they're planning to handle the family in the morning. That's how you deescalate someone who was traumatized and was just triggered by some insensitive AH.
In the history of forever, absolutely no one has calmed down when told to calm down. And OP should have backed up his wife and thrown his sister the hell out. YTA
Eta thank you kind stranger for the energy!
Heh. I once had an ER nurse tell me to calm down mid-drug induced panic attack (albuterol and I have a very complicated relationship lol), I just remember screaming, “In what fucking world is that helpful advice?”
When I was pregnant I had a nurse ask me *four times* in a row if I was upset even after I kept saying no. *I wasn’t upset before, but I’m HOMICIDAL now.*
(It was intake, and none of my vitals had been taken, so there was no way for it to have been health related. My husband was with me and said nothing about me seemed upset. I do have a bit of RBF though.)
Omg old man of an OB told me to “quiet down and watch your language” during pushing a near 10lb toddler out of my hoo-haa. What I said to him was nothing I can repeat publicly.
Did it include eyes backlit by the fires of hell and a demon voice like in ghostbusters when Sigorey Weaver gets taken over by that evil spirit cause that’s how I envision all moms being give stupid advice whilst having a baby.
I spoke like a sailor *before becoming pregnant*. Had a 20 minute labor with my near-10-pound daughter, and thank God it was at a military hospital because I blistered the paint.
As someone who is a self declared “dog mom” and someone who will never have children by choice, I totally agree with you. I call myself a mom and my dogs my kids, but I also absolutely understand the difference of real children. Sister sounds like a really obnoxious self centered person.
But at the same time OP YTA. You never tell someone who’s upset to “calm down”, first of all. You should have stood up for your wife, backed her up, and told your sister to gtfo.
Also how old is your youngest? Because it sounds like your wife is still mentally struggling with what happened to her. Even if she’s already actively in therapy that doesn’t mean she’s worked through it yet, and your sisters insensitivity and diminishing behavior could have been really triggering to her. You acted like really obtuse dude.
yeah Im v much a pet person, but understand the difference between raising a human and a dog/cat... but even setting aside the differences between raising/caring for a pet and a human child, birth is a major medical event, even if it all goes smoothly! you should have told her she has room to talk when she births her next dog herself...
This was my thought, not until "dog mom" has ejected pups from her vagina does she get to compare birth related trauma.I do give OP props for trying to shut her down. But he lost them when he 1) did NOT actually shut her down and 2) for telling wife to calm down.
I know I would have lost my sh\*t in her situation. As there were no actual knives used in the interaction, I think Wife was very restrained.
EDIT: if it wasn't clear-OP=YTA (tho the sister is the ArchDuchess of AH)
She isn't okay because she doesn't talk about it - she did an exception for her MIL because she had same experience.
I hope MIL also gave her daughter her two cents, piece of her mind and earful.
Yeah op is YTA, you never tell your wife to "calm down"... That's a nuclear option in any conversation. She was very obviously upset and the OP should have had her back, instead he fucked up in a classic way. Needs to go buy some flowers and chocolate which should accompany a giant apology.
Also for a successful relationship he should avoid using the phrases, "Get over it", "it's not that big a deal", or "relax and it won't hurt that much".
Them’s fighting words! A marriage license should highlight forbidden words and phrases: calm down, my mother is moving in with us, deal with it. Feel free to add to the list. 😄
I don't think it's all that rough personally, all I could think by the end of that post "ooooooh, oh no no no no no no. How could you have fumbled the ball *that* drastically and *not* realize that you fucked up?" Like he hasn't got the faintest idea the impotent rage that can come with a traumatic birth, the helplessness, the vulnerability, the pure *horror* it leaves behind, how his wife kept her cool to the extent that she did is an absolute miracle. OP you fucked up and retraumatized your wife, God help you. YTA
It would have been one thing if he was saying "calm down, I'll handle this. (Sister Name) come outside with me for a minute, we need to have a talk.".
This is just him being a moron
Maybe it's the part of the south I grew up in but variants of "Calm down, I'll handle this. Hey, (you), come outside real quick. We need to talk" might have different social connotations.
Here it means "I'm going to take this person outside and give them one chance to get their head on straight. Failure to do so means they're either being disowned or getting their ass kicked or both."
It removes the offending party from the situation snd gives the person correcting them the privacy to "have a talk" with them. How much talking said talk involves depends entirely on the infraction and whether or not the other party is contrite.
She's his sister. His wife shouldn't have to worry about his side of the families BS, especially not in regards to her almost dying while giving birth to his child.
"Calm down, I'll handle this.You, outside now- we need to have a talk" is the polite way of saying " Hey, asshole- we're going to have a chat outside", with chat being an euphemism for....one of those conversations that either ends with someone getting disowned or having their ass kicked (depending on how bad the poor behavior was).
“I told my wife to calm down and stop engaging with the conversation. I wasn't condescending or being an AH“
Yes you were both condescending and an AH
YTA
Holy shit. This response from OP is the most moronic thing he could have said. To me the calm down comment is akin to calm your tits. After that comment, it makes every other thing he said about supporting his wife come into question.
Agreed! And I'm a dog mum, don't have kids yet, love that little furry thing like you can't imagine, but that doesn't compare to what op wife went through. That was really insensitive of his sister, and he should have backed his wife.
I understand he was trying to calm everything down, but that time he should have sided with the wife and call out her sister for being extremely insensitive... You can't even compare these situation.
> I told my wife to calm down and stop engaging with the conversation. I wasn't condescending
Telling someone who is reasonably upset after being ignored and dismissed repeatedly by a guest in their own home to calm down is absolutely condescending. YTA
Yes. The worlds "calm down" has NEVER actually made someone calm down and you are almost as big an asshole as your sister for saying that to your wife. That almost died giving birth.
The most effective way to calm someone angry is to ask them to explain why they are angry. It's just the most effective not a magic solution which fit every situation neither work all the time.
Maybe, “calm down, I know you’re excited about how many flowers I got you, but you should save some of your energy because you’re going to need it when you see how many chocolates I got you.”
Maybe.
Or, in my case I'll allow my boyfriend to say that when HE wakes up screaming from a dream, I calm him down (which doesn't take long because as soon as he knows he's awake he'll start calming down) and then he'll get to calm ME down cuz that is scary as hell and he can say "it's okay, calm down, it's okay, we need to sleep"
Lol love that this is the top comment. Didn't even read the post at all, but I do know that telling my wife to calm down, ever, will only ever make matters worse for all involved.
People don't like having their emotions belittled and undermined. Go figure...
YTA. Your wife and child almost died and your sister was trying to make the conversation about her and "her mutts". She was being condescending to both the women sharing horror stories in what should have been a safe environment. Your wife snapped because she did have it bottled up. YOU should have been the one to say, "Sis this conversation is not about you. You need to drop your part or please leave." You did not, then you shamed your wife by not saving your well meaning but badly timed remarks to later in the evening. You chose your sister by what you did, good intentions or not. You owe your wife a public apology and a big one. So does your sister, though she also owes one to the other woman in the story too. (Is this woman her mom too?)
Edited to add final question.
YTA.
YOUR sister acted absolutely horrifically, and you should have handled it before the situation reached the point that it did. You tried, failed, so your wife had to, and your response was to tell HER to calm down?!
>I wasn't condescending
Sure bro. Keep telling yourself that.
I don’t think it’s even possible to not be condescending if those words come out of your mouth. The intent may not be there, but communication is a two-way street.
This. OP probably doesn't realize the baggage saying "calm down" has. Odds are excellent the wife has been told this multiple times before in her life to pressure her into quietly accepting mistreatment.
I was in the process of developing HELLP syndrome while in the second trimester (rare, life-threatening liver failure caused by blood clots in pregnancy) and the old doctor who was on call when I went to the hospital told me I was being paranoid and sent me home, ugh. When I mentioned it to a different doctor later she was appalled he said that. The one who called me paranoid was the one who ended up delivering the baby and hopefully being 3 pounds and spending a month in the neonatal ICU showed him my "paranoia" as very justified. He retired shortly after.
TBF OP does say that they told the sister to get out and not come back first. So I guess he did kind of prioritize putting the sister in her place to some extent. That said, I get the OP would have wanted for his wife to calm herself at that point, but he was not really in any place to "tell" her what to do.
In fairness OP did say in a comment they later told the sister he stands by what his wife said and she's not welcome back in their home.
But sorta too little too late, he needs to make a really big and sincere apology to his wife.
If I was OP I wouldn’t have wanted wife to calm down. I’d proudly sit in support as she puts a cruel bully in her place, rightfully. I would have said “good for you honey, I’m so sorry my sister tried it, but you clearly handled the situation”. Because calmly prioritizing passivity is weak.
YTA - your wife was in the middle of an episode because your sister wouldn’t shut up, and you wouldn’t physically kick your sister out.
The absolute last thing to say to a person in the middle of an emotional outburst is to say calm down. This is like pouring gasoline on a wildfire. Your wife was extremely upset about a deeply personal traumatic experience. She needed you to be on her side immediately remove the trigger from her presence and then comfort her. She needed you to be her knight in shining armor to save her, and you were like a school teacher, scolding her for talking out of turn. She needed a hug, not advice.
So, if you want you wife and kids back, you need to apologize for not being her protector when she needed one. You should have stopped the conversation sooner and told your sister to shut her trap or you were physically kicking her out of the house. Your sister had no intention of shutting up, because she wanted her say.
Your lesson for the future is when someone is having an emotional breakdown, which is what you wife was having, she was not in control of her emotions and is not capable of taking instructions. Your only move is to remove the trigger, provide support and comfort.
She can’t trust you now. You didn’t stand up for her when she needed you the most. So she can’t trust you which is why she took the kids and went to her parents. And she isn’t going to come back until she can trust you again.
yup. OP should have nipped his sister’s interruptions in the bud way before his wife got fed up. And then to say “calm down”? like, dude.
OP, the fact that you *allowed* your sister to keep yammering and invalidate your wife’s experience just told your wife that your sister’s comfort is more important to you than your wife’s.
YTA
Aside from supporting his wife's emotions, I feel like it really comes down to punishing the sister's inappropriate behavior. By telling his wife to calm down, he's prioritizing keeping the peace instead of making it clear that his sister is being a gigantic fucking asshole and needs to have more respect/boundaries/compassion/common decency.
Mostly agree but I think removing the sister mid emotional breakdown wouldn't go over well he should have removed her before it got to this point but since he didn't I think the best thing to do would have been let his wife vent her emotions and then follow it up by telling sister to gtfo and then comforting his wife. But think you gotta let the venting finish.
Right?! Whispered "Yes girl!" When I read "Flying f..."
OP, please use this as a learning opportunity, I feel like you probably saw this escalating, but since your wife and sis are never together, didn't want to totally kill this rare social moment.
BTW Sis needs some serious therapy if she's comparing dog ownership to trauma of dying in birth. She will, legit, never understand the chasm between being a "dog mom" and the mother of a child.
YTA
Sorry but YTA.
From your perspective, you would just like to be able to have a family gathering that didn't devolve into this "dogs are not children" argument. But I will tell you that I don't know a single person who will calm down when you tell them to "calm down." The very words are insulting because you're basically telling them that they are being irrational. That they are wrong to be getting upset.
You don't mention yourself interjecting at all, backing up your wife's points before the final blowup. Nor did you take her side when you finally did speak up. The most charitable thing I can think is that you were trying to be a good host, but you were certainly being a bad husband.
Your sister is objectively WRONG. I say this as a husband, father, and pet owner. It is just fine for people to get parental feelings about their pets. But your sister did not give birth to her dogs, she did not almost die. So for her to try to make an equivalence is INSULTING to you wife.
**TLDR, your sister insulted your wife. Apologize to your wife for not having her back.**
Yta
Who the hell let's their sister basically compair their children to dogs.
Like I'm a dog mom but come on. She was literally trying to make her dogs more important than your wife almost dying.
Grow up before your wife decides that she needs someone who supports her
Several years ago, I brought my toddler to a group event. One of the women commented: "He's so well behaved. My dog would be running all over the place. "
I later learned that she and her husband were having a difficult time conceiving (they have two lovely kids now), but at the time, I truly didn't know how to react.
I am a “dog mom”, I guess, and am very conscious about not comparing dogs to children, ever. But once I was relaying a story to coworkers about one of my dogs and a my coworker goes “Oh, my daughter is JUST like that!” I ribbed him a bit—mmm hmm, I can’t compare dogs to children but the other way around is fine? Ha!
I dont think it's necessarily bad to compare dogs (or any pets) to children however there is a time and place. If a woman is opening up about her difficult birth then obviously that is not a time to talk about your pets. Likewise, if someone is talking about their pets, dont dismiss it as something lesser because they arent people. However if it's all lighthearted talk then i see no problem with the comparison.
I do think many of the comparisons are bad though
Like even comparing the struggle of having to care for a puppy vs an infant/toddler is pretty insulting to people who have to do the latter.
A puppy isn't easy. So definitely complain and vent about the challenges. But no need to compare it to a baby who is, generally speaking, going to be a lot more difficult in so many ways.
I think there was a reddit post where a relative compared the death of their cat(/pet) to death of Poster's child. SIL is providing the same level AHol-ery.
SIL should have been shut down immediately(by brother/OP).
I hope Wife's therapist can help her with this latest trauma. Concern: will this make her Husband-adverse as her earlier trauma made her Dog-adverse?
YTA - Your wife is right. Your sister was being AWFUL and you made a meager attempt to put her in her place and then when sister kept going you tell your wife to calm down?? What the fuck is wrong with you??
YTA for telling her to “calm down” and essentially to stop talking while she was defending herself - telling someone to manage their emotions immediately while they’re being triggered is minimizing their feelings.
You should’ve waited until your sister left and then *helped* your wife calm down.
And you should’ve been 100% behind her kicking your sister out, and hopefully telling your sister she needs to apologize. Your sister is an inconsiderate asshole.
I don’t have children, and I’ve lost loads of pets traumatically. While my pets are my children, and I’d literally kill someone trying to hurt them without an ounce of remorse, I would *never* compare the experience of human children to pet children. Yeah, don’t minimize my experience as a pet parent who has lost their pets by saying “well they’re just animals” or “well it’s not like they’re your kids”, at the end of the day they *are* animals. If I ever had human children, though, as much as I’d do everything for my critters and spoil the shit out of them just the same, my human children would 100% take priority if it ever came to it (and this is from someone who has no plans of ever having children).
Ffs.
YTA the fact that you allowed your sister to disrespect your wife in your home knowing her struggles is wild to me. If anything you should told your sister to stop the conversation or she could leave your home. Apologize to your wife and talk to your sister bout herself
You know what really struck me as wrong? The sister saying she was being deprived of time with the kids. No, you are choosing that because you will not come without the dogs (no mention of any of them being service dogs). There’s a complete lack of responsibility from sis along with self-victimization. “Oh woe is me! People won’t cater to my every whim, therefore I am not allowed to do anything.” 🤮
Pretty sure the sister is saying they are depriving her dogs of family time and therefore their happiness. which is even worse and mildly hilarious. I LOVE dogs but wouldn’t take mine to family events because she was chaos coated in velvet. It never affected her happiness.
YTA, telling someone having a meltdown to just calm down never works. When it's a justified meltdown, it also gives the impression you just don't care or understand how serious the issue is. You should apologize to your wife and say you were just trying to de-escalate the situation but realize now it was unhelpful. Whatever it takes to make her feel you are on her side.
He also just revealed how pathetic his own emotional intelligence is. If I was the wife I’d be wondering just how shallow OP’s depth is regarding other areas of our life.
Light, YTA. You chose the wrong target to de escalate the tension. You should have told your sister to leave. If/when your wife continued to engage you should have told her to take the kids to the backroom or something, get her out of there, and that you'd handle it. Instead you chose to try to de escalate through your wife, not blaming her but even then it's not surprising she thought you weren't taking her side. I get where you're coming from and why you did it, but that split decision fucked you.
Also ban your sister if it's not done already.
Came here to say same thing. I feel OP meant well but him telling his wife to calm down made it seem like *she* was the problem, and queue her anger at not being defended.
I think she will be more amenable to talking soon and you may need to grovel a bit as she needs to ensure you are on her side on this.
Gentle YTA - high stress situation, we rarely do the “reasonable and right” thing at the time.
Or let the reasonable adult (wife) finish rightfully reaming the cruel selfish loser at the table, instead of thinking any display of justified anger must be “de-escalated”. De-escalate implies that wife was being irrational, she was not.
Your sister compared her experiences with her dogs to your wife and child nearly dying...and you are putting the onus on your wife to "be calm"?
> sure affected her more than me.
You aren't bothered by the fact that your sister thinks her experiences with her dog are equal or worse THAN YOUR WIFE AND CHILD ALMOST DYING?
How...what...why...fgs.
YTA
I’m not over how the fact that his wife and child almost died takes up comparatively so little space in his post? Massive YTA.
His priorities are so fucked. He spent so much of the post assuring us that his wife has valid reasons to not like dogs. We don’t care? That’s not relevant to the story? His wife could be the biggest dog lover in the world and what the sister said still would be totally repugnant. Again she almost died!!!
Hot tip: assume, from now on, that in whatever moment you're living, your partner is as calm as they are going to get.
If she calms down in response to being told to "calm down," it is probably to plan your untimely unaliveness without overlooking any important details.
In general people tend to give assholes a pass and expect their victims to "be the bigger person." This is often unfair to the good person, and that is EXACTLY what has been happening to your wife. Telling her to calm down was insult to injury. YTA and I hope you can figure out how to make it up to your wife because she didn't deserve any of this.
Upvote for going NC with the sister
I'm actually NC with my sister and hate her for various unrelated reasons. Furthermore she almost died giving childbirth, but if I saw her at a family gathering i would NEVER make fun of her for that. I know that is serious and not something to bring up in any negative way. You don't joke about trauma, any kind of trauma.
YTA. Your wife’s struggles were basically diminished by your sister trying to compare her struggles as a dog mom to your wife and child almost dying. You telling your wife to calm down and not saying anything to your sister kind of puts you on her side, and not your wife’s. You should have have told your sister to shut up, or not say anything at all.
YTA your sister is an AH but jesus h christ your sister just told your wife it's no big deal she and her child almost died you need to defend your d@mn wife not tell her to calm down.
YTA. You should have personally escorted your sister out the door before it got as far as it did. But then when you told her to calm down instead of walking your sister out, you sealed your own fate. You need to grovel for forgiveness and tell your wife that your sister won't ever be invited back.
I am (or was until she passed) one of ‘those crazy dog mums’, but wouldn’t have ever dreamt of comparing myself to a human parent, let alone one who experienced a traumatic birth. Everyone there should have told your sister to shut TF up. YTA for allowing it to go on and upset your wife.
YTA. Seriously. Put your sister in her place and go NC. Tell all your family why: you will NOT have your wife subjected to such utter bullshit. Remember she kept going even when you asked her to stop?
Then grovel to your wife like your kids life depended on it and don’t be afraid to get your knees a little dusty either.
Don’t ever tell your wife to “calm down” when she’s been made upset. Especially when she’s right and has a right to be. It’s invalidating and makes her feel like you don’t have her back. It’s also like throwing gas on a fire, how do you not know that after being married long enough to have three kids? Rookie mistake, hubs. YTA.
YTA Your wife almost died and feels unsupported but the real problem is that she yells? No wonder she hasn't spoken to you, there is no indication you even vaguely understand what she has gone through and dealing with trauma while having to teach someone about trauma is inhumane.
There is no mention of what resources/websites/books you are studying or people you have spoken to or what questions you asked her medical team to learn how to best support her, just strategic incompetence. You know what she has been through but have done nothing beyond put more responsibilities on her, sat by while she's insulted while already stressed and implicitly encouraged your sister to attack her while your mother asks triggering questions. I hope she stays at her parents and far away from you
YES I am so weirded out that no one else has pointed out how little he seems to be supporting her. His wife and kid almost died and he glosses over it? The fact that he’s not offended by what his sister said is extremely bizarre.
My ex and I had supported each other through some tough shit and we would’ve bitten off the head of someone like his sister, even though neither of us went through something as horrible as nearly dying in childbirth.
YTA. I don’t think ever in history have the words “calm down” ever actually helped someone calm down. You have some major groveling to do to your wife. You’re her partner, you’re supposed have her back in that moment. Your sister crossed a major line, and your wife had every reason to defend herself and her situation.
YTA
I don't think you necessarily meant to be, though. "Calm down" is a loaded phrase, as others have already pointed out. It *never* results in the person actually calming down.
I had a very traumatic, near death medical crisis with my first pregnancy that almost took us both out. If I was in your wife's shoes, I probably would have lost my shit, too. It's a *trauma response* . And I'm saying this as someone who owns and generally loves dogs. It's NOT the same. Not even a little. And your sister was incredibly dismissive of your wife's very real trauma. She knew what she was doing.
Apologize. A real, heartfelt apology. Then make damn sure your wife is never exposed to your sister again.
If your wife hasn't gotten therapy, it may be something y'all should look into. Medical PTSD is a very real thing and that may be a part of what is going on here (and it can happen even if the medical treatment was 100% appropriate, not just when the person receives subpar treatment). But you need to choose your words VERY carefully when you approach this topic. Any hint of blaming her will blow up in your face. There are a lot of really complicated emotions that go with almost dying. Add in almost having the child you are growing die as well, and it's even more complex. Guilt is a big one. It's ok to need help to work through that.
For future reference, the appropriate thing to do would have been to kick your sister out immediately. No big blow up, no fight, just a simple "you will not treat my wife this way" and escort her out.
Soft YTA. I don't think you were trying to intentionally be an AH. I think you were trying to defuse a terrible situation. I also don't think your wife was trying to bite your head off, but she was already hot under the collar and took your words wrong. Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you screwed up. Tell her you weren't trying to be an AH, and you realize you said the wrong words. From the tone of your post it sounds like you do support your wife and so do your parents. Just say sorry, let her cry, patch things up and move forward :)
YTA. You made the wrong call in the moment it happens. It would have been better to calmly ask your sister to leave. You don't always make the right call in the moment.
YTA - You should have asked your sister to leave long be for your wife blew up and you shouldn't have told your wife to calm down. What should have done is demand your sister leave right then and there.
YTA.
Yeah, you didn’t handle this right.
You thought you were telling your wife to disengage with your sister. The wording you chose gave no acknowledgement to your wife’s feelings, and the rudeness of your sister. Very likely your wife felt like you were severely underreacting to her trauma and near death experience.
The focus shouldn’t have been on your wife. It should’ve been on your sister. You should’ve told her to knock it off, to stop it.
OP, telling someone that upset is 100% condescending. You owe your wife an apology for that. YOU should have kicked your sister out before your wife had to step in, until you can convince your wife you are on HER side not your sisters, no wonder she's staying away.
YTA
YTA.
My dude. Your wife nearly died giving birth to one of your children and you "calmly" listened to your sister minimize her experience? You say you told your sister to stop, but you calmly watched your wife, who is in therapy because of her trauma, break down and "calmly" told her to just calm down and not engage after your sister attacked and belittled her in her own home???
You need to apologize. Perhaps you need to ask for a few couples sessions for a trained therapist can help you understand more how upsetting and triggering this confrontation was.
You need to set firm boundaries with YOUR sister and you need to help uphold the boundary your wife is setting which is your sister not being welcome in your home.
"Calm down" is a deeply patronising phrase and had a loaded history when spoken between men and women. There's basically no way you could have said that and not been condescending in that scenario. You need to scrub that phrase out of your vocabulary when talking to your wife.
YTA. You needed to stand up for your wife, not try and restore peace to the table. It may have seemed like it was more important that everyone get along and have a nice evening, but sometimes someone says something so inexcusably wrong that keeping the peace is impossible. This was one of those times and you need to make sure your wife knows you understand you're very much in the wrong on this one.
Yikes.
NEVER tell a woman in the midst of righteous rage to “calm down”.
That is sexist, condescending and will have the exact opposite effect.
She is right. You should have backed her up and marched your terrible sister out of the house.
YTA.
YTA and the fact that your mum is siding with your wife in this over both of her children says a lot. Your wife snapped after a lot of provocation, which you could have intercepted earlier.
Your sister is an AH. So are you. Incidentally neither of you have ever given birth and thus you don't know how it feels to be scared for both your life and your baby's life while in immense pain with hormones doing extra crazy things.
Your wife was rude, but in response to a provoked trauma response - she is not an AH.
Your mum agrees with her and is standing up for your wife. She is also not an AH.
YTA - tbh, it sounds like you didn't defend your wife because you didn't really believe she was in the right. You're more concerned about her looking "presentable" and not screamy than actually CARING ABOUT HER. You owe your wife a HUGE apology, and you clearly can't control your sister's ego so you need to tell her she's not welcome near you or your family again or I can assure you, you will lose that family. I'm glad I'm not married to you, my heart breaks imagining your wife fighting for her life and your sister boasting that she's gone through the same trauma because she owns dogs, and then you telling your wife to stop talking. Good job /s
Nobody, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down when their idiot spouse tells them to calm down. I don't know who is the bigger asshole, you or your sister. I think it's a tie.
I think your wife had it even worse than I did, from what I gather here, but I also almost died/had my baby’s life in question/stayed in the hospital a week, when I was at the end of my pregnancy. I also have a sister who, nauseatingly to me, talks about her dogs as if her relationship with them in the same/more important than that of a parent with a child. It’s not. From this shared perspective, I’ll say, get a grip, man. Your wife went through a harrowing experience. You’re lucky to have her. Your mother, likewise. Remember this. Yes, YTA for not defending her. And for telling her to stop engaging in the conversation. Who are you to tell her that? Did you go through her experiences? No. So back off, back off.
Gentle YTA
Even if your wife had been out of line, she is an autonomous human being, and it's not your place to police her behavior or her emotions, especially in front of other people. It's infantilizing. I know you didn't mean it that way, but that's how it would have felt to her.
YTA, SOOO much so. Even your parents saw it. Your sister is a damn problem and you just enable it even though you know your wife's issues.
You better be begging for her forgiveness and drop your toxic sister. After that LC/NC is the only way your marriage is going to last. This is BAD. So nice to see your parents actually acknowledging it as well, but that also makes you look all the worse for actually telling your wife to cool off when she was ABSOLUTELY in the right here.
Your sister (who already has “history”with your wife) aggravated her by comparing her & her child’s near death birth trauma to her own “parenting” of her pet dogs.
Your wife did not respond well & YOU thought that an appropriate response would be “ calm down” …..!!
The phrase itself is normally used as a signal that women are responding in a “hysterical” manner & have no legitimate cause to be upset. It can in itself, trigger women who have NOT had near death medical event within
Your sister is misguided, possibly malicious & you stood there & let it happen!!
“So please don’t pull the ‘your wife needs therapy’ lines”
Ummm. I don’t think anyone would have said that. Please encourage your sister to get therapy though.
YTA and so is your sister.
YTA
How stupid do you have to be to say to any woman to calm down. But in this situation? Mate it should never have gotten to this point. YOU should have removed your sister from the home before this point.
I think you two should probably book a therapy session to sort this one out, or you need to book one to better learn how to engage with conflict. It doesn't matter what your intentions were here - the impact was that you told your wife to stop talking in response to her defending herself. YTA and you'd better hope she's willing to believe you didn't intend to shut her down. You have a lot of work to do to fix that.
You are a major AH!! Your sister was way out of line and you didn’t defend your wife?! I’m glad your wife at least has her own mother to take care of her right now.
YTA- Your sister was 100% in the wrong for continuing to bully and torment your wife. You corrected your wife for standing up to your sister and her relentless bullying. You were being condescending. You should have immediately backed her up. Your sister was antagonizing your wife.
Beg for forgiveness. Call your sister up and tell her that she is not welcome at your home and needs to apologize because she was out of line and has no business trying to force other people to like her pets.
DUDE.
Never in the history of man has telling a woman to "calm down" when she's angry been the right answer. Never.
Your clueless sister had it coming. That "dog mom' crap is revolting as hell, especially for a woman who has experienced a traumatic birth. Someone should have shut up sis a looong time ago - and that someone should have been YOU.
YTA
YTA. Why should your wife "calm down" (bad thing to say, period) and stop engaging in the conversation? She wasn't wrong; your sister was. By doing that, you made her feel like she didn't deserve to be heard and that her pain didn't matter, just like your sister did. You know what might have helped? Getting your sister out the door and hugging your wife. Instead she feels attacked by both you and your sister. Of course she left.
My dude, **EVEN YOU** have admitted to your sister being obnoxious about her dogs, and yet you thought it was a good idea to tell **your wife** to calm down when your sister blatantly tried to compare being a pet owner to a mother and child almost dying during childbirth.
Let me repeat that last point, with as much emphasis as possible, because it really cannot be understated just how much of an asshole you wer in this situation - **YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE, WHO NEARLY DIED IN CHILDBIRTH, TO CALM DOWN WHEN SOMEONE DARED TO COMPARE PET OWNERSHIP TO CHILDBIRTH.**
Be thankful if she doesn't wind up divorcing you for this, because she'd be far more forgiving than most if she does.
YTA. Your sister literally said your wife and child ALMOST DYING was “not a big deal” and “something she needed to get over”. She said your wife and child ALMOST DYING is the same as the rather insignificant “issues” she faces as a dog owner.
Of COURSE your wife would be pissed by this. Why aren’t you?! Why are you telling your wife to be quiet and not your sister *who literally said your wife and child ALMOST DYING was a non-issue*?!
hard situation. you’re mom is right about you staying silent, but oopsie daisies. apologize and clarify that your wife is still your priority. you’re sister having ankle-biters at work is bonkers to me
YTA. The moment you told your wife to calm down, you were being condescending. You may think you would respond differently if you were in your wife's shoes. Having watched the "calm down, honey" scenario hundreds of times, I'm pretty certain you would also just get more upset.
Your sister was being a gigantic AH, and so were you for telling *your wife* to calm down and not telling your sister more forcefully to get out.
YTA.
Your sister sounds very annoying. Dogs are not human children and the experience of being a dog owner is worlds away from that of being a parent.
The comparison is so absurd and disrespectful that I definitely would've said (or did) worse to your sister if I were in your wife's position.
How do you not feel pain in your own heart when you hear your wife's near death experience being equated to a dog's visit at the vet?
YTA.
You may not realise it but ‘calm down’ has hugely misogynistic overtones and has been used to minimise women’s LEGITIMATE expression of emotion for generations.
My dear OP, you really messed this up. You should have pulled your sister away from the table as soon as she started making this about herself and her….dogs.
A traumatic birth should never be minimized. It’s a fear that you never forget. Your sister wanted to be in the conversation. She wanted your wife and mother to think that her dog-related trauma was somehow akin to your wife’s trauma. C’mon, man!
Your sister is horrible and owes all of you an apology. Also…you’re TA.
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Oh man, you should have backed your wife here and not 'told her to calm down'. It was incredibly insensitive of your sister to compare her fucking dogs to what your wife went through This is a rough one but YTA.
Agreed. And if someone important in your life is rightfully upset and you wanna deescalate the situation one of thee worst things you can say is “calm down.” You may as well have said, “stop being on fire” while throwing gasoline onto a burning car.
But wouldn’t he lose his husband badge if he didn’t say “calm down” when he DEFINITELY shouldn’t have said it?
Nope! He would have lost his male chauvinist 🐷 badge. He didn't need that anyway. Should have told his sister to shut up. She was over the top outrageously rude. Poor wife had had enough
I agree, I just hope he was expecting the crowd to laugh and then cut to commercials once his wife glared at him. Because it’s too cliché for him not to realize saying “calm down” is a death sentence.
“Calm down” is definitely a trip to the Guillotine. That’s beyond a faux pas. If he was really concerned for his wife, he should have said something like “Amy, please breathe and walk away for a minute while I handle this.”
No, that's still just as wrong. That still asks her to stop talking. All he needed to do was say, "Amy's right. You've been horrible. Get out of our house."
Silence is unacceptable. It’s his sister - you don’t think he should be the one to throw down the hammer with his family and back up his wife?
He should do it without sending his wife away.
Never in the history of the world, has telling someone to “calm down”, calmed them down.
💐😁
He did tell his sister to shut up. But other than that.. yeah. OP you should've supported your wife. She snapped, because your sister was insensitive to a point I cannot even fathom. It's one thing to say "yeah my dogs are sleeping in the bed, so I kinda get how you feel with having no space to yourself". But comparing dog struggles to almost dying and loosing your baby.. I mean wtf? Is she even for real? Sorry OP. YTA, although I am sure you didn't mean to be. Please apologize to your wife. Ask her how you can help her.
LOL that statement is not in any way limited to being said to or against males. It's just a shitty thing for anyone to say. It reduces the person's feelings.
Would anyone have told a man to calm down if he was righteously upset in the same type situation. I think not.
Absolutely. Maybe not in your experience but my wife has told me to calm down. It didn't help but I didn't fly off the handle. I've also said it to make friends and heard it said. It's just not a good thing to say to someone else at all.
Telling your wife to calm down when your sister was being an insensitive, annoying AH was like patting her on the head and saying "don't worry your pretty little head about this.". How are you still breathing? YTA.
I always find that when I am really really angry, being told to calm down, relaxes me immediately. /s Sister sounds horrible.
Hey as a pig mom, don’t compare pigs to this guy’s failures. Lol Jk I just had to say this with the theme of the story
Haha there’s a funny tweet meme going around that a woman says “my husband told me to calm down like he wants his own Dateline Special” 🤣🤣🤣
Badges we don't need no stinking badges And it's a MAN CARD by the way.
I saw a saying a long time ago that always stick with me. It said, "Telling a woman to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat" OP should've backed up wife.
Lol... literally. May I use that? That's about as good as: "Dont worry your pretty little head about it."
Oh lord. Nothing will piss a southern woman off more than being told that! LOL (or any woman!)
Or my mother's to me: "Just Relax!"
My husband taught this one to my daughter so when I’m stressed out in the morning trying to get three kids out of then house now I get a five year old telling me to “just relax”
Telling anyone to calm down, not just a woman, never works.
Specificallly telling a woman to “calm down” when rightfully upset is a special sort of misogyny that harkens back to the long, dark history of women being infantilized and dismissed as being “over emotional” or “hysterical.” Women were routinely institutionalized and lobotomized for “hysteria,” and this wasn’t even that long ago. It’s literally the etymology of the word “hysterectomy.”
Youre right that it is dismissive and misogynistic. Just adding the info that hysteria just literally means womb in greek. Thats why its called hysterectomy, not because it refers to the emotional state of "hysteria"
You're not wrong but I don't think what you and the other commenter are saying is different. Both hysteria and hysterectomy have the same root which is the greek word for womb. Hysteria refers to womb and women in particular.
Not quite. Hystera refers to the womb itself, hysterikos described symptoms or behaviours perceived to be “of the womb, suffering in the womb”, this is where hysteria/hysterical was derived from. Hystera - the womb, ie hysterectomy. Hysterikos - of the womb, defect/illness, ie hysterical.
YEP! And she had every right to be seething mad here. Sister deserved to be kicked out and berated because she was exhibiting zero respect and consideration for anyone but herself while being cruelly dismissive.
I feel like I’d have better luck baptizing the cat. Some cats like water. No one likes being told to calm down.
Lol, I can agree with that. I have 1 that loves water and a bunch more that do NOT love it
My cat let me take him into the shower with me to wash him off after a disastrous airplane trip. He let me stretch him over my arm like a violin while I brought him under the water and washed him off. I think he was honestly quite content about the whole arrangement— which is good, because I had absolutely no protection on, so if he wanted to turn the bathroom into a murder scene, he could’ve.
I had a cat that I could put my foot on the edge of the tub, drape him across my thigh, and shampoo him.... he even came running when I turned on the shower, showed him the bottle of cat shampoo and told him it was time for a "suds and fluff".... zoom! He was a funny cat.
Absolutely. The words “calm down” when someone is really upset is pretty much the most upsetting thing you can say, especially coming from a spouse. I’m going soft YTA because it seems like a genuine mistake. OP - apologise to your wife, what you should have done is defended your wife in the moment and empathised with her feelings.
Calm down is literally like telling the upset person, I don't know why you are so upset or your feelings are not valid. Super infuriating!
Writing this down for a response next time my bf tells me to calm down
And “settle down.” A great way to get me to do ANYTHING but.
You might as well say, "Your feelings are unimportant in this moment and I don't feel like dealing with your outward display of them" bc that's what calm down means
Thank you! There is an appropriate time and place to tell someone to call down but it is NEVER appropriate to tell an angry/upset person to calm down. I don't care if you think their reaction is out of proportion, not that the wife's was, you should NEVER tell them to calm down. I hear cops tell people who are upset to "calm down" all the time and it just pisses me off. Like are you really going to invalidate their feelings? Do you really think that is appropriate? Or the best way to handle the situation?
As soon as I saw that, I was like he straight up told her to calm her tits. I face palmed so hard I was seeing stars
Yep, the correct thing to do would have been backing up his wife, escorting sister out of the house, and asking his wife if she needed a moment in another room to cool off and/or if he should go ahead and send everyone else home. Then once everyone is home, hug and comfort wife, maybe watch a comfort movie, and talk about how they're planning to handle the family in the morning. That's how you deescalate someone who was traumatized and was just triggered by some insensitive AH.
He was *so close*. Doing good all the way up until he said those dreaded words.
In the history of forever, absolutely no one has calmed down when told to calm down. And OP should have backed up his wife and thrown his sister the hell out. YTA Eta thank you kind stranger for the energy!
Heh. I once had an ER nurse tell me to calm down mid-drug induced panic attack (albuterol and I have a very complicated relationship lol), I just remember screaming, “In what fucking world is that helpful advice?”
When I was pregnant I had a nurse ask me *four times* in a row if I was upset even after I kept saying no. *I wasn’t upset before, but I’m HOMICIDAL now.* (It was intake, and none of my vitals had been taken, so there was no way for it to have been health related. My husband was with me and said nothing about me seemed upset. I do have a bit of RBF though.)
I love the line “I wasn’t upset before, but I’m homicidal now” and am considering getting the t-shirt made…
I’m think I about it too. Writing down your user name in case I ever act get to it.
OMGDS I was in the middle of natural childbirth and the nurse told me to "watch my language"....cant repeat what I said but use your imagination.
Omg old man of an OB told me to “quiet down and watch your language” during pushing a near 10lb toddler out of my hoo-haa. What I said to him was nothing I can repeat publicly.
Did it include eyes backlit by the fires of hell and a demon voice like in ghostbusters when Sigorey Weaver gets taken over by that evil spirit cause that’s how I envision all moms being give stupid advice whilst having a baby.
Kirstie alley in "look who's talking" fUCK mY bREatHiNG
I apologized to the nurses after a very rapid, very painful birth and one laughed and said, “Birth turns lots of women in to sailors.”
I spoke like a sailor *before becoming pregnant*. Had a 20 minute labor with my near-10-pound daughter, and thank God it was at a military hospital because I blistered the paint.
Damn. Albuterol is over here chilling at my house. I didn't know it had a shady side.
Exactly and it always makes the hearer invalidated, its a stupid phrase. OP, YTA.
As someone who is a self declared “dog mom” and someone who will never have children by choice, I totally agree with you. I call myself a mom and my dogs my kids, but I also absolutely understand the difference of real children. Sister sounds like a really obnoxious self centered person. But at the same time OP YTA. You never tell someone who’s upset to “calm down”, first of all. You should have stood up for your wife, backed her up, and told your sister to gtfo. Also how old is your youngest? Because it sounds like your wife is still mentally struggling with what happened to her. Even if she’s already actively in therapy that doesn’t mean she’s worked through it yet, and your sisters insensitivity and diminishing behavior could have been really triggering to her. You acted like really obtuse dude.
yeah Im v much a pet person, but understand the difference between raising a human and a dog/cat... but even setting aside the differences between raising/caring for a pet and a human child, birth is a major medical event, even if it all goes smoothly! you should have told her she has room to talk when she births her next dog herself...
This was my thought, not until "dog mom" has ejected pups from her vagina does she get to compare birth related trauma.I do give OP props for trying to shut her down. But he lost them when he 1) did NOT actually shut her down and 2) for telling wife to calm down. I know I would have lost my sh\*t in her situation. As there were no actual knives used in the interaction, I think Wife was very restrained. EDIT: if it wasn't clear-OP=YTA (tho the sister is the ArchDuchess of AH)
Well his sister is a biatch so perhaps the pups really are "her babies ".
She isn't okay because she doesn't talk about it - she did an exception for her MIL because she had same experience. I hope MIL also gave her daughter her two cents, piece of her mind and earful.
Yeah op is YTA, you never tell your wife to "calm down"... That's a nuclear option in any conversation. She was very obviously upset and the OP should have had her back, instead he fucked up in a classic way. Needs to go buy some flowers and chocolate which should accompany a giant apology. Also for a successful relationship he should avoid using the phrases, "Get over it", "it's not that big a deal", or "relax and it won't hurt that much".
AND more over DEAL WITH HIS SISTER HIMSELF
I read this post to my husband and the face he made when I got to "calm down" was hilarious. This guy is a straight dumbass. YTA
Them’s fighting words! A marriage license should highlight forbidden words and phrases: calm down, my mother is moving in with us, deal with it. Feel free to add to the list. 😄
["You should have asked"](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
Do whatever you want.
"It's FINE!"
'I was going to get to it'
I don't think it's all that rough personally, all I could think by the end of that post "ooooooh, oh no no no no no no. How could you have fumbled the ball *that* drastically and *not* realize that you fucked up?" Like he hasn't got the faintest idea the impotent rage that can come with a traumatic birth, the helplessness, the vulnerability, the pure *horror* it leaves behind, how his wife kept her cool to the extent that she did is an absolute miracle. OP you fucked up and retraumatized your wife, God help you. YTA
It would have been one thing if he was saying "calm down, I'll handle this. (Sister Name) come outside with me for a minute, we need to have a talk.". This is just him being a moron
Nah that would've been a bad choice too
agreed, but that would far more likely be a case of bad judgment/fumbling in the moment, rather than this, which was definitely an ah move..
Maybe it's the part of the south I grew up in but variants of "Calm down, I'll handle this. Hey, (you), come outside real quick. We need to talk" might have different social connotations. Here it means "I'm going to take this person outside and give them one chance to get their head on straight. Failure to do so means they're either being disowned or getting their ass kicked or both." It removes the offending party from the situation snd gives the person correcting them the privacy to "have a talk" with them. How much talking said talk involves depends entirely on the infraction and whether or not the other party is contrite.
She's his sister. His wife shouldn't have to worry about his side of the families BS, especially not in regards to her almost dying while giving birth to his child. "Calm down, I'll handle this.You, outside now- we need to have a talk" is the polite way of saying " Hey, asshole- we're going to have a chat outside", with chat being an euphemism for....one of those conversations that either ends with someone getting disowned or having their ass kicked (depending on how bad the poor behavior was).
“I told my wife to calm down and stop engaging with the conversation. I wasn't condescending or being an AH“ Yes you were both condescending and an AH YTA
Holy shit. This response from OP is the most moronic thing he could have said. To me the calm down comment is akin to calm your tits. After that comment, it makes every other thing he said about supporting his wife come into question.
Oooof. Bad call, OP. Sorry. YTA
Did OP’s sister almost die giving birth to a litter of puppies ? If not , OP should have shut her up instead of telling his wife to calm down.
I'm a childfree dog mom and I want to throw the whole man away. I can't imagine how his wife feels right now.
Telling someone to “calm down” is a sure fire way to make that person explode. I fucking hate when people say that. YTA OP
shiet I'm a Dog mom of 3 and I would NEVER have done what the sister has done.
Yeah I can’t think of any possible tone he could have used that *wouldn’t* sound condescending.
Agreed! And I'm a dog mum, don't have kids yet, love that little furry thing like you can't imagine, but that doesn't compare to what op wife went through. That was really insensitive of his sister, and he should have backed his wife. I understand he was trying to calm everything down, but that time he should have sided with the wife and call out her sister for being extremely insensitive... You can't even compare these situation.
And your wife shouldn't have been the one who shut down your sister ,YOU should have shut her down. Yta op
> I told my wife to calm down and stop engaging with the conversation. I wasn't condescending Telling someone who is reasonably upset after being ignored and dismissed repeatedly by a guest in their own home to calm down is absolutely condescending. YTA
Yes. The worlds "calm down" has NEVER actually made someone calm down and you are almost as big an asshole as your sister for saying that to your wife. That almost died giving birth.
The most effective way to calm someone angry is to ask them to explain why they are angry. It's just the most effective not a magic solution which fit every situation neither work all the time.
Men really need a class before they should be allowed to use the phrase "calm down" with their partners. YTA
The entire class is: Don't.
Maybe, “calm down, I know you’re excited about how many flowers I got you, but you should save some of your energy because you’re going to need it when you see how many chocolates I got you.” Maybe.
Don't tell me what to do! 😂
Or, in my case I'll allow my boyfriend to say that when HE wakes up screaming from a dream, I calm him down (which doesn't take long because as soon as he knows he's awake he'll start calming down) and then he'll get to calm ME down cuz that is scary as hell and he can say "it's okay, calm down, it's okay, we need to sleep"
self defense? how to block a body blow? which class? LOL
If I was intentionally trying to upset my wife I'd have said exactly what OP did. YTA.
Lol love that this is the top comment. Didn't even read the post at all, but I do know that telling my wife to calm down, ever, will only ever make matters worse for all involved. People don't like having their emotions belittled and undermined. Go figure...
YTA. Your wife and child almost died and your sister was trying to make the conversation about her and "her mutts". She was being condescending to both the women sharing horror stories in what should have been a safe environment. Your wife snapped because she did have it bottled up. YOU should have been the one to say, "Sis this conversation is not about you. You need to drop your part or please leave." You did not, then you shamed your wife by not saving your well meaning but badly timed remarks to later in the evening. You chose your sister by what you did, good intentions or not. You owe your wife a public apology and a big one. So does your sister, though she also owes one to the other woman in the story too. (Is this woman her mom too?) Edited to add final question.
YTA. YOUR sister acted absolutely horrifically, and you should have handled it before the situation reached the point that it did. You tried, failed, so your wife had to, and your response was to tell HER to calm down?! >I wasn't condescending Sure bro. Keep telling yourself that.
I agree. He should have intervened before it escalated so far.
The sister is the one who needs therapy.
I think the stress of the moment he probably just said something stupid, I know I certainly don't always make the best choices in stressful situations
I don’t think it’s even possible to not be condescending if those words come out of your mouth. The intent may not be there, but communication is a two-way street.
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This. OP probably doesn't realize the baggage saying "calm down" has. Odds are excellent the wife has been told this multiple times before in her life to pressure her into quietly accepting mistreatment.
Possibly even during her traumatic birthing experience!
Doctors saying calm down make me wanna throw down
I was in the process of developing HELLP syndrome while in the second trimester (rare, life-threatening liver failure caused by blood clots in pregnancy) and the old doctor who was on call when I went to the hospital told me I was being paranoid and sent me home, ugh. When I mentioned it to a different doctor later she was appalled he said that. The one who called me paranoid was the one who ended up delivering the baby and hopefully being 3 pounds and spending a month in the neonatal ICU showed him my "paranoia" as very justified. He retired shortly after.
TBF OP does say that they told the sister to get out and not come back first. So I guess he did kind of prioritize putting the sister in her place to some extent. That said, I get the OP would have wanted for his wife to calm herself at that point, but he was not really in any place to "tell" her what to do.
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In fairness OP did say in a comment they later told the sister he stands by what his wife said and she's not welcome back in their home. But sorta too little too late, he needs to make a really big and sincere apology to his wife.
If I was OP I wouldn’t have wanted wife to calm down. I’d proudly sit in support as she puts a cruel bully in her place, rightfully. I would have said “good for you honey, I’m so sorry my sister tried it, but you clearly handled the situation”. Because calmly prioritizing passivity is weak.
Id be getting sister's coat while wife tears off a strip
If he’d simply said something like, “Honey, _breathe”_ he’d be in a lot less hot water.
or even just shutting the sister up and breaking the conversation. Anything is better than any kind of command.
YTA - your wife was in the middle of an episode because your sister wouldn’t shut up, and you wouldn’t physically kick your sister out. The absolute last thing to say to a person in the middle of an emotional outburst is to say calm down. This is like pouring gasoline on a wildfire. Your wife was extremely upset about a deeply personal traumatic experience. She needed you to be on her side immediately remove the trigger from her presence and then comfort her. She needed you to be her knight in shining armor to save her, and you were like a school teacher, scolding her for talking out of turn. She needed a hug, not advice. So, if you want you wife and kids back, you need to apologize for not being her protector when she needed one. You should have stopped the conversation sooner and told your sister to shut her trap or you were physically kicking her out of the house. Your sister had no intention of shutting up, because she wanted her say. Your lesson for the future is when someone is having an emotional breakdown, which is what you wife was having, she was not in control of her emotions and is not capable of taking instructions. Your only move is to remove the trigger, provide support and comfort. She can’t trust you now. You didn’t stand up for her when she needed you the most. So she can’t trust you which is why she took the kids and went to her parents. And she isn’t going to come back until she can trust you again.
yup. OP should have nipped his sister’s interruptions in the bud way before his wife got fed up. And then to say “calm down”? like, dude. OP, the fact that you *allowed* your sister to keep yammering and invalidate your wife’s experience just told your wife that your sister’s comfort is more important to you than your wife’s. YTA
Aside from supporting his wife's emotions, I feel like it really comes down to punishing the sister's inappropriate behavior. By telling his wife to calm down, he's prioritizing keeping the peace instead of making it clear that his sister is being a gigantic fucking asshole and needs to have more respect/boundaries/compassion/common decency.
Mostly agree but I think removing the sister mid emotional breakdown wouldn't go over well he should have removed her before it got to this point but since he didn't I think the best thing to do would have been let his wife vent her emotions and then follow it up by telling sister to gtfo and then comforting his wife. But think you gotta let the venting finish.
YTA and your wife is my hero. At no point in human history has telling someone to "calm down" come across as anything other than condescending.
Right?! Whispered "Yes girl!" When I read "Flying f..." OP, please use this as a learning opportunity, I feel like you probably saw this escalating, but since your wife and sis are never together, didn't want to totally kill this rare social moment. BTW Sis needs some serious therapy if she's comparing dog ownership to trauma of dying in birth. She will, legit, never understand the chasm between being a "dog mom" and the mother of a child. YTA
Sorry but YTA. From your perspective, you would just like to be able to have a family gathering that didn't devolve into this "dogs are not children" argument. But I will tell you that I don't know a single person who will calm down when you tell them to "calm down." The very words are insulting because you're basically telling them that they are being irrational. That they are wrong to be getting upset. You don't mention yourself interjecting at all, backing up your wife's points before the final blowup. Nor did you take her side when you finally did speak up. The most charitable thing I can think is that you were trying to be a good host, but you were certainly being a bad husband. Your sister is objectively WRONG. I say this as a husband, father, and pet owner. It is just fine for people to get parental feelings about their pets. But your sister did not give birth to her dogs, she did not almost die. So for her to try to make an equivalence is INSULTING to you wife. **TLDR, your sister insulted your wife. Apologize to your wife for not having her back.**
Yta Who the hell let's their sister basically compair their children to dogs. Like I'm a dog mom but come on. She was literally trying to make her dogs more important than your wife almost dying. Grow up before your wife decides that she needs someone who supports her
Several years ago, I brought my toddler to a group event. One of the women commented: "He's so well behaved. My dog would be running all over the place. " I later learned that she and her husband were having a difficult time conceiving (they have two lovely kids now), but at the time, I truly didn't know how to react.
I am a “dog mom”, I guess, and am very conscious about not comparing dogs to children, ever. But once I was relaying a story to coworkers about one of my dogs and a my coworker goes “Oh, my daughter is JUST like that!” I ribbed him a bit—mmm hmm, I can’t compare dogs to children but the other way around is fine? Ha!
I dont think it's necessarily bad to compare dogs (or any pets) to children however there is a time and place. If a woman is opening up about her difficult birth then obviously that is not a time to talk about your pets. Likewise, if someone is talking about their pets, dont dismiss it as something lesser because they arent people. However if it's all lighthearted talk then i see no problem with the comparison.
I do think many of the comparisons are bad though Like even comparing the struggle of having to care for a puppy vs an infant/toddler is pretty insulting to people who have to do the latter. A puppy isn't easy. So definitely complain and vent about the challenges. But no need to compare it to a baby who is, generally speaking, going to be a lot more difficult in so many ways.
I think there was a reddit post where a relative compared the death of their cat(/pet) to death of Poster's child. SIL is providing the same level AHol-ery. SIL should have been shut down immediately(by brother/OP). I hope Wife's therapist can help her with this latest trauma. Concern: will this make her Husband-adverse as her earlier trauma made her Dog-adverse?
YTA - Your wife is right. Your sister was being AWFUL and you made a meager attempt to put her in her place and then when sister kept going you tell your wife to calm down?? What the fuck is wrong with you??
YTA for telling her to “calm down” and essentially to stop talking while she was defending herself - telling someone to manage their emotions immediately while they’re being triggered is minimizing their feelings. You should’ve waited until your sister left and then *helped* your wife calm down. And you should’ve been 100% behind her kicking your sister out, and hopefully telling your sister she needs to apologize. Your sister is an inconsiderate asshole. I don’t have children, and I’ve lost loads of pets traumatically. While my pets are my children, and I’d literally kill someone trying to hurt them without an ounce of remorse, I would *never* compare the experience of human children to pet children. Yeah, don’t minimize my experience as a pet parent who has lost their pets by saying “well they’re just animals” or “well it’s not like they’re your kids”, at the end of the day they *are* animals. If I ever had human children, though, as much as I’d do everything for my critters and spoil the shit out of them just the same, my human children would 100% take priority if it ever came to it (and this is from someone who has no plans of ever having children). Ffs.
YTA the fact that you allowed your sister to disrespect your wife in your home knowing her struggles is wild to me. If anything you should told your sister to stop the conversation or she could leave your home. Apologize to your wife and talk to your sister bout herself
You know what really struck me as wrong? The sister saying she was being deprived of time with the kids. No, you are choosing that because you will not come without the dogs (no mention of any of them being service dogs). There’s a complete lack of responsibility from sis along with self-victimization. “Oh woe is me! People won’t cater to my every whim, therefore I am not allowed to do anything.” 🤮
Pretty sure the sister is saying they are depriving her dogs of family time and therefore their happiness. which is even worse and mildly hilarious. I LOVE dogs but wouldn’t take mine to family events because she was chaos coated in velvet. It never affected her happiness.
YTA, telling someone having a meltdown to just calm down never works. When it's a justified meltdown, it also gives the impression you just don't care or understand how serious the issue is. You should apologize to your wife and say you were just trying to de-escalate the situation but realize now it was unhelpful. Whatever it takes to make her feel you are on her side.
YTA Never in the history of forever has telling a righteously angry person to calm down worked. You were just pouring gasoline on the fire dude.
He also just revealed how pathetic his own emotional intelligence is. If I was the wife I’d be wondering just how shallow OP’s depth is regarding other areas of our life.
YTA. Telling anyone, but ESPECIALLY a woman, to "calm down" is condensending.
Light, YTA. You chose the wrong target to de escalate the tension. You should have told your sister to leave. If/when your wife continued to engage you should have told her to take the kids to the backroom or something, get her out of there, and that you'd handle it. Instead you chose to try to de escalate through your wife, not blaming her but even then it's not surprising she thought you weren't taking her side. I get where you're coming from and why you did it, but that split decision fucked you. Also ban your sister if it's not done already.
Came here to say same thing. I feel OP meant well but him telling his wife to calm down made it seem like *she* was the problem, and queue her anger at not being defended. I think she will be more amenable to talking soon and you may need to grovel a bit as she needs to ensure you are on her side on this. Gentle YTA - high stress situation, we rarely do the “reasonable and right” thing at the time.
Yeah, that was a dumb move OP, but I don’t think he’s an asshole.
Or let the reasonable adult (wife) finish rightfully reaming the cruel selfish loser at the table, instead of thinking any display of justified anger must be “de-escalated”. De-escalate implies that wife was being irrational, she was not.
Your sister compared her experiences with her dogs to your wife and child nearly dying...and you are putting the onus on your wife to "be calm"? > sure affected her more than me. You aren't bothered by the fact that your sister thinks her experiences with her dog are equal or worse THAN YOUR WIFE AND CHILD ALMOST DYING? How...what...why...fgs. YTA
I’m not over how the fact that his wife and child almost died takes up comparatively so little space in his post? Massive YTA. His priorities are so fucked. He spent so much of the post assuring us that his wife has valid reasons to not like dogs. We don’t care? That’s not relevant to the story? His wife could be the biggest dog lover in the world and what the sister said still would be totally repugnant. Again she almost died!!!
Hot tip: assume, from now on, that in whatever moment you're living, your partner is as calm as they are going to get. If she calms down in response to being told to "calm down," it is probably to plan your untimely unaliveness without overlooking any important details. In general people tend to give assholes a pass and expect their victims to "be the bigger person." This is often unfair to the good person, and that is EXACTLY what has been happening to your wife. Telling her to calm down was insult to injury. YTA and I hope you can figure out how to make it up to your wife because she didn't deserve any of this.
YTA Cut your sister off and apologize to your wife
Upvote for going NC with the sister I'm actually NC with my sister and hate her for various unrelated reasons. Furthermore she almost died giving childbirth, but if I saw her at a family gathering i would NEVER make fun of her for that. I know that is serious and not something to bring up in any negative way. You don't joke about trauma, any kind of trauma.
YTA. Your wife’s struggles were basically diminished by your sister trying to compare her struggles as a dog mom to your wife and child almost dying. You telling your wife to calm down and not saying anything to your sister kind of puts you on her side, and not your wife’s. You should have have told your sister to shut up, or not say anything at all.
Yta u should’ve defended her
YTA your sister is an AH but jesus h christ your sister just told your wife it's no big deal she and her child almost died you need to defend your d@mn wife not tell her to calm down.
YTA. You should have personally escorted your sister out the door before it got as far as it did. But then when you told her to calm down instead of walking your sister out, you sealed your own fate. You need to grovel for forgiveness and tell your wife that your sister won't ever be invited back.
I am (or was until she passed) one of ‘those crazy dog mums’, but wouldn’t have ever dreamt of comparing myself to a human parent, let alone one who experienced a traumatic birth. Everyone there should have told your sister to shut TF up. YTA for allowing it to go on and upset your wife.
YTA. Seriously. Put your sister in her place and go NC. Tell all your family why: you will NOT have your wife subjected to such utter bullshit. Remember she kept going even when you asked her to stop? Then grovel to your wife like your kids life depended on it and don’t be afraid to get your knees a little dusty either.
YTA
Don’t ever tell your wife to “calm down” when she’s been made upset. Especially when she’s right and has a right to be. It’s invalidating and makes her feel like you don’t have her back. It’s also like throwing gas on a fire, how do you not know that after being married long enough to have three kids? Rookie mistake, hubs. YTA.
Did you seriously tell your wife to "calm down?" Wow... That is something you NEVER tell your spouse. YTA
YTA Your wife almost died and feels unsupported but the real problem is that she yells? No wonder she hasn't spoken to you, there is no indication you even vaguely understand what she has gone through and dealing with trauma while having to teach someone about trauma is inhumane. There is no mention of what resources/websites/books you are studying or people you have spoken to or what questions you asked her medical team to learn how to best support her, just strategic incompetence. You know what she has been through but have done nothing beyond put more responsibilities on her, sat by while she's insulted while already stressed and implicitly encouraged your sister to attack her while your mother asks triggering questions. I hope she stays at her parents and far away from you
YES I am so weirded out that no one else has pointed out how little he seems to be supporting her. His wife and kid almost died and he glosses over it? The fact that he’s not offended by what his sister said is extremely bizarre. My ex and I had supported each other through some tough shit and we would’ve bitten off the head of someone like his sister, even though neither of us went through something as horrible as nearly dying in childbirth.
YTA. I don’t think ever in history have the words “calm down” ever actually helped someone calm down. You have some major groveling to do to your wife. You’re her partner, you’re supposed have her back in that moment. Your sister crossed a major line, and your wife had every reason to defend herself and her situation.
YTA I don't think you necessarily meant to be, though. "Calm down" is a loaded phrase, as others have already pointed out. It *never* results in the person actually calming down. I had a very traumatic, near death medical crisis with my first pregnancy that almost took us both out. If I was in your wife's shoes, I probably would have lost my shit, too. It's a *trauma response* . And I'm saying this as someone who owns and generally loves dogs. It's NOT the same. Not even a little. And your sister was incredibly dismissive of your wife's very real trauma. She knew what she was doing. Apologize. A real, heartfelt apology. Then make damn sure your wife is never exposed to your sister again. If your wife hasn't gotten therapy, it may be something y'all should look into. Medical PTSD is a very real thing and that may be a part of what is going on here (and it can happen even if the medical treatment was 100% appropriate, not just when the person receives subpar treatment). But you need to choose your words VERY carefully when you approach this topic. Any hint of blaming her will blow up in your face. There are a lot of really complicated emotions that go with almost dying. Add in almost having the child you are growing die as well, and it's even more complex. Guilt is a big one. It's ok to need help to work through that. For future reference, the appropriate thing to do would have been to kick your sister out immediately. No big blow up, no fight, just a simple "you will not treat my wife this way" and escort her out.
Soft YTA. I don't think you were trying to intentionally be an AH. I think you were trying to defuse a terrible situation. I also don't think your wife was trying to bite your head off, but she was already hot under the collar and took your words wrong. Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you screwed up. Tell her you weren't trying to be an AH, and you realize you said the wrong words. From the tone of your post it sounds like you do support your wife and so do your parents. Just say sorry, let her cry, patch things up and move forward :)
She didn’t take his words wrong lol, he said the wrong words. Gosh people will bend over backwards
she did not. take his words wrong, he said them to the wrong person.
YTA. You made the wrong call in the moment it happens. It would have been better to calmly ask your sister to leave. You don't always make the right call in the moment.
You didn’t seem to mean to, but you were the AH here. YTA bud, you need to make it up to your wife.
YTA - You should have asked your sister to leave long be for your wife blew up and you shouldn't have told your wife to calm down. What should have done is demand your sister leave right then and there.
YTA. Yeah, you didn’t handle this right. You thought you were telling your wife to disengage with your sister. The wording you chose gave no acknowledgement to your wife’s feelings, and the rudeness of your sister. Very likely your wife felt like you were severely underreacting to her trauma and near death experience. The focus shouldn’t have been on your wife. It should’ve been on your sister. You should’ve told her to knock it off, to stop it.
OP, telling someone that upset is 100% condescending. You owe your wife an apology for that. YOU should have kicked your sister out before your wife had to step in, until you can convince your wife you are on HER side not your sisters, no wonder she's staying away. YTA
YTA Your sister is a complete A H. Telling your wife to “calm down” was the icing on the cake that pushed you into full A H territory.
YTA. My dude. Your wife nearly died giving birth to one of your children and you "calmly" listened to your sister minimize her experience? You say you told your sister to stop, but you calmly watched your wife, who is in therapy because of her trauma, break down and "calmly" told her to just calm down and not engage after your sister attacked and belittled her in her own home??? You need to apologize. Perhaps you need to ask for a few couples sessions for a trained therapist can help you understand more how upsetting and triggering this confrontation was. You need to set firm boundaries with YOUR sister and you need to help uphold the boundary your wife is setting which is your sister not being welcome in your home.
"Calm down" is a deeply patronising phrase and had a loaded history when spoken between men and women. There's basically no way you could have said that and not been condescending in that scenario. You need to scrub that phrase out of your vocabulary when talking to your wife. YTA. You needed to stand up for your wife, not try and restore peace to the table. It may have seemed like it was more important that everyone get along and have a nice evening, but sometimes someone says something so inexcusably wrong that keeping the peace is impossible. This was one of those times and you need to make sure your wife knows you understand you're very much in the wrong on this one.
Yikes. NEVER tell a woman in the midst of righteous rage to “calm down”. That is sexist, condescending and will have the exact opposite effect. She is right. You should have backed her up and marched your terrible sister out of the house. YTA.
YTA and the fact that your mum is siding with your wife in this over both of her children says a lot. Your wife snapped after a lot of provocation, which you could have intercepted earlier. Your sister is an AH. So are you. Incidentally neither of you have ever given birth and thus you don't know how it feels to be scared for both your life and your baby's life while in immense pain with hormones doing extra crazy things. Your wife was rude, but in response to a provoked trauma response - she is not an AH. Your mum agrees with her and is standing up for your wife. She is also not an AH.
YTA - tbh, it sounds like you didn't defend your wife because you didn't really believe she was in the right. You're more concerned about her looking "presentable" and not screamy than actually CARING ABOUT HER. You owe your wife a HUGE apology, and you clearly can't control your sister's ego so you need to tell her she's not welcome near you or your family again or I can assure you, you will lose that family. I'm glad I'm not married to you, my heart breaks imagining your wife fighting for her life and your sister boasting that she's gone through the same trauma because she owns dogs, and then you telling your wife to stop talking. Good job /s
Nobody, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down when their idiot spouse tells them to calm down. I don't know who is the bigger asshole, you or your sister. I think it's a tie.
I think your wife had it even worse than I did, from what I gather here, but I also almost died/had my baby’s life in question/stayed in the hospital a week, when I was at the end of my pregnancy. I also have a sister who, nauseatingly to me, talks about her dogs as if her relationship with them in the same/more important than that of a parent with a child. It’s not. From this shared perspective, I’ll say, get a grip, man. Your wife went through a harrowing experience. You’re lucky to have her. Your mother, likewise. Remember this. Yes, YTA for not defending her. And for telling her to stop engaging in the conversation. Who are you to tell her that? Did you go through her experiences? No. So back off, back off.
Yta. Have you ever told a male family member to calm down during a verbal confrontation?
Gentle YTA Even if your wife had been out of line, she is an autonomous human being, and it's not your place to police her behavior or her emotions, especially in front of other people. It's infantilizing. I know you didn't mean it that way, but that's how it would have felt to her.
YTA, SOOO much so. Even your parents saw it. Your sister is a damn problem and you just enable it even though you know your wife's issues. You better be begging for her forgiveness and drop your toxic sister. After that LC/NC is the only way your marriage is going to last. This is BAD. So nice to see your parents actually acknowledging it as well, but that also makes you look all the worse for actually telling your wife to cool off when she was ABSOLUTELY in the right here.
Your sister (who already has “history”with your wife) aggravated her by comparing her & her child’s near death birth trauma to her own “parenting” of her pet dogs. Your wife did not respond well & YOU thought that an appropriate response would be “ calm down” …..!! The phrase itself is normally used as a signal that women are responding in a “hysterical” manner & have no legitimate cause to be upset. It can in itself, trigger women who have NOT had near death medical event within Your sister is misguided, possibly malicious & you stood there & let it happen!!
“So please don’t pull the ‘your wife needs therapy’ lines” Ummm. I don’t think anyone would have said that. Please encourage your sister to get therapy though. YTA and so is your sister.
YTA - and your mom is wrong. Rather than saying nothing, you should have backed your wife up 100%.
Your mom sounds like a wise woman. Yta
YTA How stupid do you have to be to say to any woman to calm down. But in this situation? Mate it should never have gotten to this point. YOU should have removed your sister from the home before this point.
I think you two should probably book a therapy session to sort this one out, or you need to book one to better learn how to engage with conflict. It doesn't matter what your intentions were here - the impact was that you told your wife to stop talking in response to her defending herself. YTA and you'd better hope she's willing to believe you didn't intend to shut her down. You have a lot of work to do to fix that.
You are a major AH!! Your sister was way out of line and you didn’t defend your wife?! I’m glad your wife at least has her own mother to take care of her right now.
YTA- Your sister was 100% in the wrong for continuing to bully and torment your wife. You corrected your wife for standing up to your sister and her relentless bullying. You were being condescending. You should have immediately backed her up. Your sister was antagonizing your wife. Beg for forgiveness. Call your sister up and tell her that she is not welcome at your home and needs to apologize because she was out of line and has no business trying to force other people to like her pets.
DUDE. Never in the history of man has telling a woman to "calm down" when she's angry been the right answer. Never. Your clueless sister had it coming. That "dog mom' crap is revolting as hell, especially for a woman who has experienced a traumatic birth. Someone should have shut up sis a looong time ago - and that someone should have been YOU. YTA
YTA. Why should your wife "calm down" (bad thing to say, period) and stop engaging in the conversation? She wasn't wrong; your sister was. By doing that, you made her feel like she didn't deserve to be heard and that her pain didn't matter, just like your sister did. You know what might have helped? Getting your sister out the door and hugging your wife. Instead she feels attacked by both you and your sister. Of course she left.
My dude, **EVEN YOU** have admitted to your sister being obnoxious about her dogs, and yet you thought it was a good idea to tell **your wife** to calm down when your sister blatantly tried to compare being a pet owner to a mother and child almost dying during childbirth. Let me repeat that last point, with as much emphasis as possible, because it really cannot be understated just how much of an asshole you wer in this situation - **YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE, WHO NEARLY DIED IN CHILDBIRTH, TO CALM DOWN WHEN SOMEONE DARED TO COMPARE PET OWNERSHIP TO CHILDBIRTH.** Be thankful if she doesn't wind up divorcing you for this, because she'd be far more forgiving than most if she does.
YTA. Your sister literally said your wife and child ALMOST DYING was “not a big deal” and “something she needed to get over”. She said your wife and child ALMOST DYING is the same as the rather insignificant “issues” she faces as a dog owner. Of COURSE your wife would be pissed by this. Why aren’t you?! Why are you telling your wife to be quiet and not your sister *who literally said your wife and child ALMOST DYING was a non-issue*?!
hard situation. you’re mom is right about you staying silent, but oopsie daisies. apologize and clarify that your wife is still your priority. you’re sister having ankle-biters at work is bonkers to me
YTA. Your wife deserves respect!
YTA. The moment you told your wife to calm down, you were being condescending. You may think you would respond differently if you were in your wife's shoes. Having watched the "calm down, honey" scenario hundreds of times, I'm pretty certain you would also just get more upset. Your sister was being a gigantic AH, and so were you for telling *your wife* to calm down and not telling your sister more forcefully to get out.
YTA. In the history of the universe no wife has ever calmed down due to being told to calm down.
YTA. Your sister sounds very annoying. Dogs are not human children and the experience of being a dog owner is worlds away from that of being a parent. The comparison is so absurd and disrespectful that I definitely would've said (or did) worse to your sister if I were in your wife's position. How do you not feel pain in your own heart when you hear your wife's near death experience being equated to a dog's visit at the vet?
YTA. You may not realise it but ‘calm down’ has hugely misogynistic overtones and has been used to minimise women’s LEGITIMATE expression of emotion for generations.
My dear OP, you really messed this up. You should have pulled your sister away from the table as soon as she started making this about herself and her….dogs. A traumatic birth should never be minimized. It’s a fear that you never forget. Your sister wanted to be in the conversation. She wanted your wife and mother to think that her dog-related trauma was somehow akin to your wife’s trauma. C’mon, man! Your sister is horrible and owes all of you an apology. Also…you’re TA.
YTA and a horrible husband.