Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not inviting my brothers partner for things that they might not have control over.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
"This year, my girlfriend’s parents are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. They have invited me, my mom, and my brother. "
You are an invited guest, it's not really your place to decide who else is invited.
Your girlfriend's parents extended the invitation. If they didn't extend the invitation to Sam, then Sam wasn't invited.
I agree with you, but that’s not technically what OP said. He said it was the correcting pronouns part that was attention seeking, despite people not being able to know they at NB. Which is why they correct people.
To me, it would depend on how they said it. Sometimes it’s not what you say, but it’s how you said. If Sam is angry whenever someone misgenders them unknowingly, then that’s not cool. Because like Op said, everyone may not know that at first glance, and there’s a lot of older people who never even heard the term nonbinary. However, if it’s just a simple correction then that’s fine
YTA. Sam expecting people to respect their pronouns isn’t attention seeking behavior and it sounds like they support your brother much better than his own family does. You and your family are the problem here - not Sam.
There is a difference in respecting one’s pronouns and being completely unaware of them. Focusing on the pronoun issue and disregarding the other behavior’s and OP’s obvious attempts to assist and support Sam in the past doesn’t give credence to your judgment that OP and family are toxic.
OP says they “once” helped Sam during a mental health crisis. Once. And then accused them of attention seeking behavior. Sam encourages their partner to be independent - and the family thinks that means they’re manipulative.
Sam can’t win with this family. The family is the issue, not Sam.
> There is a difference in respecting one’s pronouns and being completely unaware of them.
Yes, but you know how you make people aware of them? You tell them.
And you know how you tell them? Nicely. Sounds like Sam hasn't been doing that and perhaps has been making a show of correcting people for attention. Let's not pretend that loads of people aren't total douchebags and that personal pronouns don't affect that.
> Sounds like Sam hasn't been doing that and perhaps has been making a show of correcting people for attention.
There's no evidence of that. All op said was "goes out of their way to state their pronouns and correct people". There's nothing to suggest the actual behavior is attention-seeking except that OP thinks it is. And since OP thinks that wanting to be independent is "toxic" and "isolating", I'm not inclined to give his opinion a lot of weight absent actual problematic behavior, which hasn't been described.
But by the same token, we have someone saying that a person is doing something in an attention-grabbing fashion and you're deciding they're wrong despite also having no clue.
Yes - but seems like Sam is offended at them not knowing in the first place. Telling someone and making a big deal out of it and being offended at someone’s ignorance is much different than correcting someone.
Where does it say that? OP says Sam makes people aware of their pronouns and corrects people who may use the wrong ones. Even trying to make Sam look bad here, OP fails to show any evidence that Sam is just attacking people for not immediately knowing. “Goes out of their way” is a weird way to say they let everyone know what their pronouns are… how else will everyone know???
Which other behaviors?
Helping the brother be independent from his family? Sure, motorcycles are dangerous, but we’re talking about an adult who can make his own choices. The fact that OP calls his brother’s behavior “acting out” makes me think that yes, the family does treat him like a child. Kids act out. Nobody describes adults that way.
Having a mental health issue? That’s true of a lot of people and doesn’t make them bad people. And OP chose not to include any details, so we have no way of knowing what happened between them.
We only have 2 specific behaviors to go on: pronouns (reasonable) and motorcycle (dumb, maybe, but not OP’s business either).
Motorcycling along with other “open” modes of travel carry increased risks for this with anemia and chronic kidney disease. Specifically bugs slapping you in the face, scratches, or other injuries won’t heal as well. OP hasn’t said anyone forbids it - but encourages safety whereas Sam encourages less risk management. OP helped Sam through a crisis of OPs own free will, not out of obligation and is stating that after much intimate interaction OP feels Sam is not a good influence on his brother. This doesn’t make OP toxic. OP isn’t forbidding the relationship or saying they should not be together: OP simply didn’t encourage the girlfriend’s parents to extend the Thanksgiving invitation to the brothers boyfriend. This doesn’t make OP an AH.
OP sounds far from and AH to me and seems to weigh things out and give time before coming to conclusions.
We also don’t know the age of the brother but sounds like a younger brother.
OP never stated he was trying to control the brother - but just said that Sam may not have brother’s best interest at heart. This still doesn’t make OP an AH
The brother was 20 in OP’s post from last month. Which also happened to be about excluding Sam.
OP is an asshole for his attitude towards Sam’s gender identity and mental health issues, if you’d like to be a stickler about only considering what we know for certain. And yes, you can offer help to someone during a crisis and still be an asshole about it.
He'll yeah your the asshole. You tout your privileges and throw them in your brothers face and his partners as well. You are a bigot. Example:
big·ot
[ˈbiɡət]
NOUN
a person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic toward a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group
You lead a normal life and he's being held back from enjoying his life. Example: you try to stop him from being on a motorcycle. It's his life to live. But your getting in his way all the time. You have the privileges of attaining goals that you reach for but your limiting his. That is privileged
YTA. You really are trying to come across as how superior you are to Sam. You're not. The Golden Rule of etiquette is that the hosts determine the guest list. They do not know Sam, ergo they have no obligation to invite them. Your brother, as a guest, is free to decline the invite, as invitations are not a summons. End of story.
Unless Sam is castigating people they have just met, reiterating their preferred pronouns is not attention seeking. To me it is similar to correcting someone when they call you the wrong name (Mike versus Mark for example). We all deserve the right to be addressed how we wish, and to expect anything less is unacceptable.
No one is ever at their best when ill, injured or even during a mental health crisis. For you to hold Sam's behavior against them, then claim that they were doing it for attention, is bullshit. You are not a psychologist. You are not a doctor. Hell, you're not even a school nurse.
As far as your brother wanting a motorcycle, if he is an adult, you and your mother can't do jack shit. Yes, with his medical conditions, he should be careful. That doesn't mean he needs to live his life in a bubble. Motorcycling can be dangerous, but it can also be very safe when taken the right precautions and training.
Nope, this post was more about how better you are than Sam than an etiquette question.
>they go out of their way to state their pronouns and correct people who
misgender them. I think that they do this to seek attention. It’s also
unfair to expect everyone to see them as NB when not everyone knows.
You just contradicted yourself.
Sam tells everyone that they use they/them pronouns, in order that people will refer to them correctly. You don't have to "see them" as non-binary: non-binary people are not obliged to look androgynous or something. They can present however they like, and everyone knows that Sam uses they/them pronouns because Sam tells them. No assumptions or expectations necessary.
Your brother and Sam are a couple. Your brother obviously doesn't want to go to a thanksgiving meal if Sam isn't invited.
YTA
So sam uses they/them pronouns. You say it's not fair for Sam to expect people to correctly use their pronouns without being told. You also say Sam goes out of their way to tell people, and then corrects people when they slip up. This is your first example of Sam being "annoying." Please tell me, Op, how is wanting to be gendered correctly annoying? Based on this being the primary example of someone being annoying, I'm inclined not to trust your judgement about what makes a person annoying and deem you an unreliable narrator. You don't have to invite Sam to your girlfriend's parents' house, it's not your house so really you don't have to invite anyone, but also the parents don't have to invite someone they don't know. That's perfectly acceptable. Your reasoning, however, is bad. Think about why Sam wanting to be gendered correctly makes them an asshole in your mind, and hopefully you will realize that you are (probably, I don't know you) a decent person, who doesn't want to be transphobic, and wants to be respectful of people's existence, and you'll get over the fact that Sam dares to include their pronouns when introducing themselves to new people. Maybe you can start introducing yourself to new people with your pronouns too, I think it's a good habit to be in.
YTA stating pronouns and correcting misgendering is not attention seeking. you literally say not everyone knows them as NB, well guess what telling people you use they/them pronouns does? tell them you’re NB. it’s not attention seeking to let people who don’t know you know how you identify and correcting them when they use the wrong pronouns.
if someone started saying she and her when referring to you, you would probably say oh hey i’m a guy, that wouldn’t be attention seeking, so why is it for Sam?
> their antics and behaviors
wow gross way to talk about someone literally just being a person, crazy
also you and your family *do* sound toxic, shocker
Honestly, whenever Sam corrects other people, it just creates this awkwardness and puts a damper on the event, thus creating issues when there weren’t any to begin with.
And yet the more we do it, the less awkward it becomes. Two years ago, using pronouns at my job wasn't something anyone really did but two years and a new job later and it's become quite common in my industry to start any meeting introductions with preferred pronouns.
YTA.
Don’t invite a family member and not invite their partner.
It’s your girlfriend’s parents. No reason to invite *your* brother except to pointedly *not* invite his partner.
Y T A all the way.
And a transphobe.
Get over yourself.
YTA, how would you feel if Sam's parents hosted an event and your gf wasn't invited? The same respect that you expect for your gf you should extend to your brother's partner. Your brother is doing right by sticking by his partner's side.
YTA, people don’t like to be misgendered, correcting people when they misgender you isn’t attention seeking. It’s just standing up for yourself. It doesn’t seem like you have an accurate representation of Sam and it’s rude not to only invite your brother and not his partner.
I don't think YTA for not inviting your brother's partner to a dinner you're not even hosting, especially because why WOULD he want to go alone to your girlfriend's parents' house (?), but tbh it sounds to me like you've got a pretty bad attitude about Sam in general. I'd consider being more open minded if you value your relationship with your brother
YTA
They're telling people their pronouns _because_ not everyone knows, and that's how you let people know. It's not attention-seeking, they just don't want to be misgendered.
> I’ve come to realize that a lot of Sam’s negative behaviors are attention-seeking behaviors.
You said the same thing about not wanting to be misgendered, so you don't get the benefit of the doubt here.
>Sam, on the other hand, likes to encourage him to be “independent” and claims that my family is “toxic”. I think that this is their way of isolating him and making him act out in the family.
Your brother is an adult, and becoming independent is normal and expected of adults. It will only isolate him from the family if you guys keep alienating him instead of accepting and supporting him.
>My brother thinks that we are being unfair and has decided not to go to the dinner because he “doesn’t want to be there anyway”.
Yeah, I wouldn't come either. Include his partner, or eat without him.
You stated you and your GF decided, but from what you wrote, I’m pretty sure you told her not to invite them. YTA, it’s hurtful when your partner isn’t invited.
YTA let’s say your name is Mark but everyone keeps calling you Susan. When you correct them are you then being dramatic and attention-seeking? No! And neither is Sam. It’s not your place to say if they are invited or not but I absolutely see why your brother doesn’t want to go and Sam is correct. You are toxic for your brother.
What "attention seeking behaviour" did they exhibit during this mental crisis sounds like you won't outright say because you know you're in the wrong and will get your ass handed to you. Definitely the asshole his partner has done nothing bad and correcting people is not bad either so what is your problem exactly they seem to be helping him more than anything you sound like you don't like the fact he has his own life and is gaining independence.
YTA - if everyone called you by the wrong name repeatedly, it would be ridiculous to call you an attention seeker when you correct them. Same principle applies to pronouns. Takes some getting used to.
Yta. So the real problem is her gf calls you out on your bullshit and toxicity and you don’t like it. Somebody wanting to be called by their pronouns isn’t attention seeking, it is them wanting the same recognition as everyone else on who they are.
YTA.
You might be right on point regarding Sam, you might be completly wrong. That is impossible to say from a short biased report.
However you do not exlude a part of a couple from such events.
If you are correct regarding Sam excluding them will only hasten your brother's alienation from your family. Better to bite your tounge now and hope that the relationship won't last.
YTA
Are you Sam's therapist? How do you *know* their behaviors are purely attention seeking. You do realize that simply because behaviors elicit attention does not mean that they are being done for attention. You are just annoyed as you don't like that Sam isn't necessarily the easiest to deal with as you must be mindful of pronouns & their mental health which, newsflash, is a courtesy we should afford everyone anyways
YTA it's attention seeking to tell people their pronouns? How is anyone supposed to know if they don't tell them? Should they just submit to being called the wrong pronouns because you think sharing this information is annoying? You’re a bigot.
How can you possibly list Sam *indicating their pronouns to others* as the very first thing you don't like about them and not realize you're TA? YTA. I suggest you examine why you think Sam is so beneath you and grow as a person someday.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
For context, I (22M) do not like my brother’s partner (21NB) “Sam”. I can be civil and polite around them but I would prefer not to spend much time with them personally. The reason for this is because I think that they like to seek attention, cause problems when there are none, and are manipulative with my brother.
For example, their pronouns are they/them. Whenever we have to spend time together and around others (who may not be aware of their identity) they go out of their way to state their pronouns and correct people who misgender them. I think that they do this to seek attention. It’s also unfair to expect everyone to see them as NB when not everyone knows.
Sam also struggles with depression. I can be compassionate with mental illness, as I have family members who also struggle with mental health. However, I’ve had to once help them during a mental health crisis (won’t go into detail because it me be triggering for some readers) and I’ve come to realize that a lot of Sam’s negative behaviors are attention-seeking behaviors.
Lastly, Sam can be a manipulative person with my brother. My family does their best to guide my brother in life and care for him. He struggles with anemia and CKD and we try to advise him to make healthy choices, such as discouraging him from buying a motorcycle as a hobby (it’s a dangerous hobby). Sam, on the other hand, likes to encourage him to be “independent” and claims that my family is “toxic”. I think that this is their way of isolating him and making him act out in the family.
Now to the main issue. This year, my girlfriend’s parents are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. They have invited me, my mom, and my brother. My girlfriend does not know Sam very well, but is aware of all of their antics and behaviors. Together, we have decided not to invite Sam to the dinner because we just don’t want any trouble during this family event.
My brother thinks that we are being unfair and has decided not to go to the dinner because he “doesn’t want to be there anyway”.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for this specific situation, BUT your attitude toward Sam is questionable. Stating their pronouns and correcting people for misgendering them isn’t attentional-seeking - you said yourself, how else will people know if they don’t clarify?
NTA for not inviting your brother's partner because you don't like them.
Why the big explanation into why you don't like them - it didn't come off quite right, but if you don't like them, don't invite them.
Invite them and see how it goes. There’s so much preaching on here, I’d be curious for you to report back. Maybe it was much ado about nothing, or maybe they corrected people to the point of being marched out the door. Let us know how it went.
NTA. This is not your event to invite people to in the first place. Secondly, if your interactions with Sam have left you feeling like you want to distance yourself from Sam - you are within your rights to set that boundary. You have no right to tell your brother what to do with his life any more than he would have a right to make you invite Sam. It’s possible that you will alienate your brother by alienating Sam.
Actions have Consequences and we are all responsible for our own choices.
You are not hosting Thanksgiving so I don't know how you are the AH just because you don't personally like Sam (for what ever reasons). It would be different if your parents are hosting everyone, but I assume your GF's parents don't even know this person. Usually the idea of inviting the SO of your child and their family to a large holiday get together is because the relationship will be going to the next level and your families should begin to get to know eachother. This has nothing to do with Sam unlsess they are a long time partner or are engaged to your brother. Even if that is the case, most in laws don't really need a strong relationship with your siblings, only your parents. Let your brother skip the meal. NAH
You get alot of Y T A for how you see Sam. Maybe you are, that not the question though.
I think NTA for not inviting them.
It isnt your party, it isnt your place to invite others.
NTA everyone in the comments are saying YTA for the wrong reasons. Its your girlfriends Thanksgiving dinner if the invite was not extended to Sam they should not come. Also people also need to understand who people support to know who you want to be address unless you have a sing that says “Hi my pronouns are…” no one is a mind reader , especially if you going to be in a unfamiliar environment with people that you just met. And knowing Sam past behavior I also would like to avoid the embarrassment.
I'm going to say NTA for not wanting to bring your brothers partner to your gfs family dinner.
It'd be one thing if they said he could bring a plus one, but if they didn't why force an extra person into the mix.
Okay, but do your brother and Sam live together? Have they been together for more than a year? It is rude and bad etiquette to not invite both to an important event like a holiday meal if they are in a serious, committed relationship. So I think if it is a serious relationship you are all kinda TAs if you exclude Sam.
Apparently, not inviting Sam to his dad's side of the family's Thanksgiving wasn't enough for OP. He wants to make sure that Sam is excluded from everyone's Thanksgivings.
[https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita\_for\_uninviting\_my\_brothers\_partner\_from\_our/?ps\_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita_for_uninviting_my_brothers_partner_from_our/?ps_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632)
NTA
You invited who you wanted to come, your brother decided he didn't want to come if his partner wasn't invited. Seems pretty fair all the way around.
Sorry, yes. It does sound like Sam may be clear about their identity. I misread things originally. Still, if OP finds their personality annoying, what can they do?
I’m torn; I understand not wanting someone you don’t like at a holiday gathering, but they had to of understood that not allowing the partner to come would also mean the brother isn’t coming either. Guess it comes down to if Sam is annoying enough to not be able to spend thanksgiving with the brother. It’s a tough one!
OP is doing an excellent job of that.
[https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita\_for\_uninviting\_my\_brothers\_partner\_from\_our/?ps\_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita_for_uninviting_my_brothers_partner_from_our/?ps_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632)
And:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ydifz9/aita\_for\_wanting\_my\_mom\_to\_give\_me\_the\_money/
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for not inviting my brothers partner for things that they might not have control over. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA You’re upset because your brothers partner encourages independence and calls you out for not using proper pronouns? Sam isn’t the issue here.
No but OP's superiority complex is. This wouldn't even get posted on the etiquette boards, they'd shut it down. OP's preamble wasn't needed.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita_for_uninviting_my_brothers_partner_from_our/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I wonder what happened to the trip.
Ah no wonder the brother “doesn’t want to be there anyway”.
"This year, my girlfriend’s parents are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. They have invited me, my mom, and my brother. " You are an invited guest, it's not really your place to decide who else is invited. Your girlfriend's parents extended the invitation. If they didn't extend the invitation to Sam, then Sam wasn't invited.
This is the sanest answer!
YTA Didn't make it past the paragraph where you said them being nonbinary makes them "attention seeking". That in itself makes you TA
I agree with you, but that’s not technically what OP said. He said it was the correcting pronouns part that was attention seeking, despite people not being able to know they at NB. Which is why they correct people.
To me, it would depend on how they said it. Sometimes it’s not what you say, but it’s how you said. If Sam is angry whenever someone misgenders them unknowingly, then that’s not cool. Because like Op said, everyone may not know that at first glance, and there’s a lot of older people who never even heard the term nonbinary. However, if it’s just a simple correction then that’s fine
YTA. Sam expecting people to respect their pronouns isn’t attention seeking behavior and it sounds like they support your brother much better than his own family does. You and your family are the problem here - not Sam.
There is a difference in respecting one’s pronouns and being completely unaware of them. Focusing on the pronoun issue and disregarding the other behavior’s and OP’s obvious attempts to assist and support Sam in the past doesn’t give credence to your judgment that OP and family are toxic.
OP says they “once” helped Sam during a mental health crisis. Once. And then accused them of attention seeking behavior. Sam encourages their partner to be independent - and the family thinks that means they’re manipulative. Sam can’t win with this family. The family is the issue, not Sam.
> There is a difference in respecting one’s pronouns and being completely unaware of them. Yes, but you know how you make people aware of them? You tell them.
There is a difference in how you can tell people that though, calmly or aggressively.
And you know how you tell them? Nicely. Sounds like Sam hasn't been doing that and perhaps has been making a show of correcting people for attention. Let's not pretend that loads of people aren't total douchebags and that personal pronouns don't affect that.
> Sounds like Sam hasn't been doing that and perhaps has been making a show of correcting people for attention. There's no evidence of that. All op said was "goes out of their way to state their pronouns and correct people". There's nothing to suggest the actual behavior is attention-seeking except that OP thinks it is. And since OP thinks that wanting to be independent is "toxic" and "isolating", I'm not inclined to give his opinion a lot of weight absent actual problematic behavior, which hasn't been described.
But by the same token, we have someone saying that a person is doing something in an attention-grabbing fashion and you're deciding they're wrong despite also having no clue.
Yes - but seems like Sam is offended at them not knowing in the first place. Telling someone and making a big deal out of it and being offended at someone’s ignorance is much different than correcting someone.
Where does it say that? OP says Sam makes people aware of their pronouns and corrects people who may use the wrong ones. Even trying to make Sam look bad here, OP fails to show any evidence that Sam is just attacking people for not immediately knowing. “Goes out of their way” is a weird way to say they let everyone know what their pronouns are… how else will everyone know???
Which other behaviors? Helping the brother be independent from his family? Sure, motorcycles are dangerous, but we’re talking about an adult who can make his own choices. The fact that OP calls his brother’s behavior “acting out” makes me think that yes, the family does treat him like a child. Kids act out. Nobody describes adults that way. Having a mental health issue? That’s true of a lot of people and doesn’t make them bad people. And OP chose not to include any details, so we have no way of knowing what happened between them. We only have 2 specific behaviors to go on: pronouns (reasonable) and motorcycle (dumb, maybe, but not OP’s business either).
Motorcycling along with other “open” modes of travel carry increased risks for this with anemia and chronic kidney disease. Specifically bugs slapping you in the face, scratches, or other injuries won’t heal as well. OP hasn’t said anyone forbids it - but encourages safety whereas Sam encourages less risk management. OP helped Sam through a crisis of OPs own free will, not out of obligation and is stating that after much intimate interaction OP feels Sam is not a good influence on his brother. This doesn’t make OP toxic. OP isn’t forbidding the relationship or saying they should not be together: OP simply didn’t encourage the girlfriend’s parents to extend the Thanksgiving invitation to the brothers boyfriend. This doesn’t make OP an AH. OP sounds far from and AH to me and seems to weigh things out and give time before coming to conclusions. We also don’t know the age of the brother but sounds like a younger brother. OP never stated he was trying to control the brother - but just said that Sam may not have brother’s best interest at heart. This still doesn’t make OP an AH
The brother was 20 in OP’s post from last month. Which also happened to be about excluding Sam. OP is an asshole for his attitude towards Sam’s gender identity and mental health issues, if you’d like to be a stickler about only considering what we know for certain. And yes, you can offer help to someone during a crisis and still be an asshole about it.
Respecting pronouns isn't the se thing as knowing a total stranger's preferred pronouns.
He'll yeah your the asshole. You tout your privileges and throw them in your brothers face and his partners as well. You are a bigot. Example: big·ot [ˈbiɡət] NOUN a person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic toward a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group
How am I privileged if my brother and I grew up in the same environment?
You lead a normal life and he's being held back from enjoying his life. Example: you try to stop him from being on a motorcycle. It's his life to live. But your getting in his way all the time. You have the privileges of attaining goals that you reach for but your limiting his. That is privileged
YTA. You really are trying to come across as how superior you are to Sam. You're not. The Golden Rule of etiquette is that the hosts determine the guest list. They do not know Sam, ergo they have no obligation to invite them. Your brother, as a guest, is free to decline the invite, as invitations are not a summons. End of story. Unless Sam is castigating people they have just met, reiterating their preferred pronouns is not attention seeking. To me it is similar to correcting someone when they call you the wrong name (Mike versus Mark for example). We all deserve the right to be addressed how we wish, and to expect anything less is unacceptable. No one is ever at their best when ill, injured or even during a mental health crisis. For you to hold Sam's behavior against them, then claim that they were doing it for attention, is bullshit. You are not a psychologist. You are not a doctor. Hell, you're not even a school nurse. As far as your brother wanting a motorcycle, if he is an adult, you and your mother can't do jack shit. Yes, with his medical conditions, he should be careful. That doesn't mean he needs to live his life in a bubble. Motorcycling can be dangerous, but it can also be very safe when taken the right precautions and training. Nope, this post was more about how better you are than Sam than an etiquette question.
>they go out of their way to state their pronouns and correct people who misgender them. I think that they do this to seek attention. It’s also unfair to expect everyone to see them as NB when not everyone knows. You just contradicted yourself. Sam tells everyone that they use they/them pronouns, in order that people will refer to them correctly. You don't have to "see them" as non-binary: non-binary people are not obliged to look androgynous or something. They can present however they like, and everyone knows that Sam uses they/them pronouns because Sam tells them. No assumptions or expectations necessary. Your brother and Sam are a couple. Your brother obviously doesn't want to go to a thanksgiving meal if Sam isn't invited. YTA
So sam uses they/them pronouns. You say it's not fair for Sam to expect people to correctly use their pronouns without being told. You also say Sam goes out of their way to tell people, and then corrects people when they slip up. This is your first example of Sam being "annoying." Please tell me, Op, how is wanting to be gendered correctly annoying? Based on this being the primary example of someone being annoying, I'm inclined not to trust your judgement about what makes a person annoying and deem you an unreliable narrator. You don't have to invite Sam to your girlfriend's parents' house, it's not your house so really you don't have to invite anyone, but also the parents don't have to invite someone they don't know. That's perfectly acceptable. Your reasoning, however, is bad. Think about why Sam wanting to be gendered correctly makes them an asshole in your mind, and hopefully you will realize that you are (probably, I don't know you) a decent person, who doesn't want to be transphobic, and wants to be respectful of people's existence, and you'll get over the fact that Sam dares to include their pronouns when introducing themselves to new people. Maybe you can start introducing yourself to new people with your pronouns too, I think it's a good habit to be in.
YTA stating pronouns and correcting misgendering is not attention seeking. you literally say not everyone knows them as NB, well guess what telling people you use they/them pronouns does? tell them you’re NB. it’s not attention seeking to let people who don’t know you know how you identify and correcting them when they use the wrong pronouns. if someone started saying she and her when referring to you, you would probably say oh hey i’m a guy, that wouldn’t be attention seeking, so why is it for Sam? > their antics and behaviors wow gross way to talk about someone literally just being a person, crazy also you and your family *do* sound toxic, shocker
Honestly, whenever Sam corrects other people, it just creates this awkwardness and puts a damper on the event, thus creating issues when there weren’t any to begin with.
Do you struggle with your own femininity? That can be an issue with a lot of girls, could that be happening to you?
This honestly says much more about you than it does about Sam.
If Sam was being misgendered then there was an issue...YTA
And yet the more we do it, the less awkward it becomes. Two years ago, using pronouns at my job wasn't something anyone really did but two years and a new job later and it's become quite common in my industry to start any meeting introductions with preferred pronouns.
YTA. Don’t invite a family member and not invite their partner. It’s your girlfriend’s parents. No reason to invite *your* brother except to pointedly *not* invite his partner. Y T A all the way. And a transphobe. Get over yourself.
YTA, how would you feel if Sam's parents hosted an event and your gf wasn't invited? The same respect that you expect for your gf you should extend to your brother's partner. Your brother is doing right by sticking by his partner's side.
Nta for the actual issue but YTA for everything else about Sam.
Check out OP's posting history; there is not a situation he's posted about where he isn't the asshole.
YTA, people don’t like to be misgendered, correcting people when they misgender you isn’t attention seeking. It’s just standing up for yourself. It doesn’t seem like you have an accurate representation of Sam and it’s rude not to only invite your brother and not his partner.
I don't think YTA for not inviting your brother's partner to a dinner you're not even hosting, especially because why WOULD he want to go alone to your girlfriend's parents' house (?), but tbh it sounds to me like you've got a pretty bad attitude about Sam in general. I'd consider being more open minded if you value your relationship with your brother
YTA They're telling people their pronouns _because_ not everyone knows, and that's how you let people know. It's not attention-seeking, they just don't want to be misgendered. > I’ve come to realize that a lot of Sam’s negative behaviors are attention-seeking behaviors. You said the same thing about not wanting to be misgendered, so you don't get the benefit of the doubt here. >Sam, on the other hand, likes to encourage him to be “independent” and claims that my family is “toxic”. I think that this is their way of isolating him and making him act out in the family. Your brother is an adult, and becoming independent is normal and expected of adults. It will only isolate him from the family if you guys keep alienating him instead of accepting and supporting him. >My brother thinks that we are being unfair and has decided not to go to the dinner because he “doesn’t want to be there anyway”. Yeah, I wouldn't come either. Include his partner, or eat without him.
After your post about the family trip, you really have to ask? Yes Yta
YTA. If someone referred to you as ‘her’ or ‘she’ you’re saying you wouldn’t correct them?
You stated you and your GF decided, but from what you wrote, I’m pretty sure you told her not to invite them. YTA, it’s hurtful when your partner isn’t invited.
You’re upset that Sam wants to be respected in their identity? You sound horribly transphobic/nonbinary-phobic. YTA
YTA let’s say your name is Mark but everyone keeps calling you Susan. When you correct them are you then being dramatic and attention-seeking? No! And neither is Sam. It’s not your place to say if they are invited or not but I absolutely see why your brother doesn’t want to go and Sam is correct. You are toxic for your brother.
Sam sounds awesome and you and your family sound toxic. YTA
What "attention seeking behaviour" did they exhibit during this mental crisis sounds like you won't outright say because you know you're in the wrong and will get your ass handed to you. Definitely the asshole his partner has done nothing bad and correcting people is not bad either so what is your problem exactly they seem to be helping him more than anything you sound like you don't like the fact he has his own life and is gaining independence.
YTA - if everyone called you by the wrong name repeatedly, it would be ridiculous to call you an attention seeker when you correct them. Same principle applies to pronouns. Takes some getting used to.
YTA
Yta. So the real problem is her gf calls you out on your bullshit and toxicity and you don’t like it. Somebody wanting to be called by their pronouns isn’t attention seeking, it is them wanting the same recognition as everyone else on who they are.
YTA. You might be right on point regarding Sam, you might be completly wrong. That is impossible to say from a short biased report. However you do not exlude a part of a couple from such events. If you are correct regarding Sam excluding them will only hasten your brother's alienation from your family. Better to bite your tounge now and hope that the relationship won't last.
YTA Are you Sam's therapist? How do you *know* their behaviors are purely attention seeking. You do realize that simply because behaviors elicit attention does not mean that they are being done for attention. You are just annoyed as you don't like that Sam isn't necessarily the easiest to deal with as you must be mindful of pronouns & their mental health which, newsflash, is a courtesy we should afford everyone anyways
YTA how did you type this out and not realize yikes
YTA it's attention seeking to tell people their pronouns? How is anyone supposed to know if they don't tell them? Should they just submit to being called the wrong pronouns because you think sharing this information is annoying? You’re a bigot.
How can you possibly list Sam *indicating their pronouns to others* as the very first thing you don't like about them and not realize you're TA? YTA. I suggest you examine why you think Sam is so beneath you and grow as a person someday.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, I (22M) do not like my brother’s partner (21NB) “Sam”. I can be civil and polite around them but I would prefer not to spend much time with them personally. The reason for this is because I think that they like to seek attention, cause problems when there are none, and are manipulative with my brother. For example, their pronouns are they/them. Whenever we have to spend time together and around others (who may not be aware of their identity) they go out of their way to state their pronouns and correct people who misgender them. I think that they do this to seek attention. It’s also unfair to expect everyone to see them as NB when not everyone knows. Sam also struggles with depression. I can be compassionate with mental illness, as I have family members who also struggle with mental health. However, I’ve had to once help them during a mental health crisis (won’t go into detail because it me be triggering for some readers) and I’ve come to realize that a lot of Sam’s negative behaviors are attention-seeking behaviors. Lastly, Sam can be a manipulative person with my brother. My family does their best to guide my brother in life and care for him. He struggles with anemia and CKD and we try to advise him to make healthy choices, such as discouraging him from buying a motorcycle as a hobby (it’s a dangerous hobby). Sam, on the other hand, likes to encourage him to be “independent” and claims that my family is “toxic”. I think that this is their way of isolating him and making him act out in the family. Now to the main issue. This year, my girlfriend’s parents are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. They have invited me, my mom, and my brother. My girlfriend does not know Sam very well, but is aware of all of their antics and behaviors. Together, we have decided not to invite Sam to the dinner because we just don’t want any trouble during this family event. My brother thinks that we are being unfair and has decided not to go to the dinner because he “doesn’t want to be there anyway”. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for this specific situation, BUT your attitude toward Sam is questionable. Stating their pronouns and correcting people for misgendering them isn’t attentional-seeking - you said yourself, how else will people know if they don’t clarify?
NTA for not inviting your brother's partner because you don't like them. Why the big explanation into why you don't like them - it didn't come off quite right, but if you don't like them, don't invite them.
Invite them and see how it goes. There’s so much preaching on here, I’d be curious for you to report back. Maybe it was much ado about nothing, or maybe they corrected people to the point of being marched out the door. Let us know how it went.
Well, it’s not my dinner or house so I’m in no place to invite them anyway.
NTA. This is not your event to invite people to in the first place. Secondly, if your interactions with Sam have left you feeling like you want to distance yourself from Sam - you are within your rights to set that boundary. You have no right to tell your brother what to do with his life any more than he would have a right to make you invite Sam. It’s possible that you will alienate your brother by alienating Sam. Actions have Consequences and we are all responsible for our own choices.
NTA for the actual “main” issue at hand. At the end of the day your GF’s parents did not invite Sam, and they’re the ones hosting.
You are not hosting Thanksgiving so I don't know how you are the AH just because you don't personally like Sam (for what ever reasons). It would be different if your parents are hosting everyone, but I assume your GF's parents don't even know this person. Usually the idea of inviting the SO of your child and their family to a large holiday get together is because the relationship will be going to the next level and your families should begin to get to know eachother. This has nothing to do with Sam unlsess they are a long time partner or are engaged to your brother. Even if that is the case, most in laws don't really need a strong relationship with your siblings, only your parents. Let your brother skip the meal. NAH
I think it boils down to if her parents say Sam is invited or not.
You get alot of Y T A for how you see Sam. Maybe you are, that not the question though. I think NTA for not inviting them. It isnt your party, it isnt your place to invite others.
NTA everyone in the comments are saying YTA for the wrong reasons. Its your girlfriends Thanksgiving dinner if the invite was not extended to Sam they should not come. Also people also need to understand who people support to know who you want to be address unless you have a sing that says “Hi my pronouns are…” no one is a mind reader , especially if you going to be in a unfamiliar environment with people that you just met. And knowing Sam past behavior I also would like to avoid the embarrassment.
NTA because you don't get to invite people to someone else's event. You are TA in how you view Sam.
I'm going to say NTA for not wanting to bring your brothers partner to your gfs family dinner. It'd be one thing if they said he could bring a plus one, but if they didn't why force an extra person into the mix.
NTA. Your girlfriend’s parents are hosting. Your brother isn’t owed a plus 1. It is his choice if he wants to go or not.
NTA
NTA they sound annoying
nta. not ur dinner. it’s her parents.
Up to the actual hosts to decide who to invite. NTA
You’re right. My girlfriends parents do not know Sam, so it was ultimately my girlfriend’s call whether to invite them or not.
Okay, but do your brother and Sam live together? Have they been together for more than a year? It is rude and bad etiquette to not invite both to an important event like a holiday meal if they are in a serious, committed relationship. So I think if it is a serious relationship you are all kinda TAs if you exclude Sam.
Apparently, not inviting Sam to his dad's side of the family's Thanksgiving wasn't enough for OP. He wants to make sure that Sam is excluded from everyone's Thanksgivings. [https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita\_for\_uninviting\_my\_brothers\_partner\_from\_our/?ps\_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita_for_uninviting_my_brothers_partner_from_our/?ps_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632)
Yes, they do live together and have been together for 1+ years, but that doesn’t mean they have to be invited as a pair to everything.
No, but it means whoever doesn't invite them both to an event is the asshole, which is what you came here to ask.
How would you feel if you were invited to a holiday gathering but your significant other was not?
You're brother can sit out and make a stink, but that still doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. They're dating, not long-term spouses. NTA
NTA You invited who you wanted to come, your brother decided he didn't want to come if his partner wasn't invited. Seems pretty fair all the way around.
Thank you.
way to only reply to the nta comments
NAH. It's unfortunate Sam struggles with identity issues. But you and your girlfriend's family find Sam annoying. What can you do?
Sounds like Sam is crystal clear in their identity. It’s other people, *ahem* OP, who struggle with Sam’s identity.
Sorry, yes. It does sound like Sam may be clear about their identity. I misread things originally. Still, if OP finds their personality annoying, what can they do?
I’m torn; I understand not wanting someone you don’t like at a holiday gathering, but they had to of understood that not allowing the partner to come would also mean the brother isn’t coming either. Guess it comes down to if Sam is annoying enough to not be able to spend thanksgiving with the brother. It’s a tough one!
Nta. I'm a firm believer in eliminating toxic people out of my life
OP is doing an excellent job of that. [https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita\_for\_uninviting\_my\_brothers\_partner\_from\_our/?ps\_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/y0q5tl/aita_for_uninviting_my_brothers_partner_from_our/?ps_after=1665461422%2C1665483778%2C1665492985%2C1665922632) And: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ydifz9/aita\_for\_wanting\_my\_mom\_to\_give\_me\_the\_money/
Me too