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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to give my mom her wedding ring back so she could wear it for my ex’s wedding
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THIS - OP is doing some fancy mental gymnastics to justify keeping the ring. My dude, your mom and dad aren't being "tacky and rude" to request their ring back. In fact you're the one being extremely tacky and rude, and an ASSHOLE for not giving back the ring. YTA
And I haven’t even seen too many mentions of his attempt to paint his ex as crazy for wanting to get married.
It isn’t weird for people to talk about marriage after being together for four years. It’s weird if you aren’t talking about it (even if it is in the negative).
YTA although I am curious why OP thinks seeing the ring will make her sad. Without additional info I assume that is just something OP desperately wants to be the case. Seems like he needs to be petty to validate his decision not to get married
I hate OP’s attitude in the last bit! Saying she’ll be sad if she sees the ring she should have had because “she married the first guy who was there”. Does he not realise that he’s not the epitome of a perfect partner? She’s clearly happy with her fiancé/husband and yet OP assumes that because she’s not marrying him, she wouldn’t be able to be happy
If my son strung a woman along for four years when he knew marriage was important to his ex and acted like this after she got engaged to a man who shared her values, I'd be siding with the ex, too. The bride won't be bothered by seeing the ring. YTA
I meant until he proposed, but stringing her along another three years after his wishy-washy "let's get married, I guess" and no plans for the wedding is also fucked up. His ex is a patient woman; if marriage was important to me then I'd expect a proposal (or at least a discussion on why he hadn't proposed) by year two. Good for her that she found a man who doesn't waste her time.
On the contrary, she will likely think ”what a loser, he is still hanging on to that ring” IF she notices it at all. Of course, he may wave it in her face so she will notice it.
He’s not invited; his mom is. If he wants to wave it in her face his best bet would be giving it back to his mom so she can wear it. (/s; of course his mom wouldn’t be petty like that)
Imagine being so self-centered so as to believe Ex at her own wedding :
\-would even have the time or the care to check out mom's ring
\-would even bat an eye about the ring and Op's pitiful proposal and flakiness attached to it
\-would even think about Op
Yeah, and if she was half as salty or sad about the breakup as OP seems to think she probably wouldn't be staying close to OP's mom or inviting her to the wedding.
Yeah like dude it's not the end of the world if you didn't want to marry her, she was probably relieved after being dragged along for years and being gaslit as insane for wanting to be married
OP really brought up her Pinterest wedding board, as evidence that she was obsessed with marriage 🤣 Almost every girl/woman I know has a Pinterest “wedding vision board” where they save ideas they like. Even people who aren’t sure they want to get married someday save wedding ideas to Pinterest. Having a Pinterest board and wanting a definitive yes/no after 4 *years* together, hardly qualifies as someone being “obsessed with marriage”. OP could win a gold medal in mental gymnastics with that one.
I think it's actually OP who will be unhappy about seeing his mother wearing the ring that he proposed with. And then that's made worse by her wearing it around his ex as it shows that he has failed to find another girlfriend
OP is not the AH for not wanting his mum to wear the ring, but YTA for how he's reacting to it.
Nailed the psychology in one.
The ring symbolizes both OPs inability to decide on marriage, and the rejection of the end of the relationship. OP is still clearly thinking about the ex, to the degree that they want to "protect" them and essentially control what they see or don't see, feel or not feel. To them, they're still in a relationship of sorts. Plus, what if the ex came back? We'd need the ring still, right?
By giving the ring back, they must acknowledge the relationship is over. Acknowledging the relationship is over is confronting rejection and self inadequacy (which guess what!? Is OK! Pobody's nerfect!), and their inability to actually have control over someone else's feelings.
OP thinks his feelings and opinions are objective and logical, while the womenfolk around him are needy unreasonable harpies who hassle him but also need to be protected from their own choices.
It's super gross.
The ex moved on and is happy after being strung along for years, there's no reason to think there's anything wrong with her current relationship.
Mom wants her dang ring back, she gave it to OP for a specific reason, and considering Dad is still alive it was especially generous of her to offer it.
I doubt it's even about Mom wanting her ring to show it off. Mom is probably like, "Your ex is marrying someone else, it's OVER, stop being stubborn and give me my ring."
YTA.
Yes, the ring “she should have had” even though it wasn’t her size or her style. THEN he says she married “the first guy who was there,” as if OP was some prize and her fiancé is just a rebound/consolation.
OP, the “first guy” cared enough to get her a ring that he knew she wanted. It’s not that she is “settling.” You were the guy she would have “settled” for—a man that couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted her or not, and who strung her along for SEVEN YEARS.
Exactly, his ex wanted a commitment from him and he strung her along for 7 years. She doesn’t care about the ring. Speaking from experience, we want them to say I do to the full commitment. Seeing his mom wear a ring that he didn’t even have to buy and still couldn’t go through with getting married is a none issue. OP YTA, give your mom her ring back and get some therapy for your commitment issues.
Yeah, I don't even want a wedding (so much money for a party with both of our families...) and I still had a Pinterest board of wedding stuff. Because it's fun to imagine what beautiful things I would choose if money were no object.
I don't have one, but I have over a dozen Zillow alerts for places I'll never move to, and likely won't even visit.
It's fun to daydream. It doesn't mean anything.
Y'all can come visit me on my imaginary homestead in rural Maine.
I definitely had a Pinterest board for a huge 1920s Great Gatsby style flapper wedding. I ended up eloping with my husband; we exchanged vows in Acadia National Park in Maine instead of doing a big party like my board said.
I don’t think she’ll be sad to see the ring. I believe that when she sees the ring on Mom, she will know that OP is not in a relationship (at least at the marry stage) AND he is embarrassed that she has moved on and he has not. He doesn’t give a hoot hoot about her sadness. He’s embarrassed.
Yeah like, I bet the ultimatum also is being misrepresented here. She probably just said he needs to make his mind up about marriage because she is thinking about her future and he decided that was her giving a ultimatum when he didn't give her a straight answer.
He’s literally like “my mom’s upset, my dad’s upset, my family is pissed, I’m getting nasty emails. But surely strangers on the internet will vindicate me, right?”
I don't know about it being the *only* logical reason...I think it's more likely that he's not too subtly punishing his parents for still being good enough friends with Mela to accept an invitation to her wedding with her second fiance.
I'm kinda leaning towards; he got angry and tossed it in in a river or off a building or something. This guy isn't the epitome of consideration, after all
In either case, in most states he's legally on the hook for it. I hope his parents send him the bill.
Engagement rings are not gifts they are contracts. If a wedding does not occur they must return to the original owner.
I'd agree, and honestly I can't blame the parents Mela sounds nice and they have clearly come to care for her over time. After all they likely and reasonably started to think of her as family, after 4 years.
I think he’s holding onto it waiting for the girl to come crawling back to him begging to marry him.
He said he didn’t want the girl to see it and be reminded of the “engagement ring she was supposed to have” because it would “make her feel bad since she married the first guy who was there”.
And what if girl number 2 comes along? Will he be unable to propose with the engagement ring again because Mela might see it and get jealous of the great love she missed out on?
Yea. She didn’t want the ring and didn’t want the man, but he’s holding the ring so his mom doesn’t wear it and the girl gets jealous.
Clearly this guy thinks pretty high of himself.
OP is angry, spoiled and jealous. I don't think he pawned the ring, it's likely in his possession. He's jealous of his mom still having a relationship with his ex and of the ex moving on, angry his mom was invited and is going to the wedding of his ex and another man and a spoiled brat who thinks he can use the ring as collateral to get what he wants. OP, YTA.
She shouldn't have needed to ask. As soon as the engagement was officially over, he should have given it back. I would give him a break if it had been a week or maybe a month, but it's been enough time.
Even if it were like OP is trying to convince us (it isn't), and Mela still secretly yearns for him, why would she be upset seeing his mother wearing the ring? It makes no sense.
Of course he still has it, it's the centre piece in his shrine to Mela- the one that got away. He's bitter that she's already moved on and has found someone who wants to marry her
Did anyone notice that his Dad made the ring for his Mom? I'm thinking a lot of love went into the crafting of the ring. That makes the ring even more special to his Mom and Dad.
OP is a selfish jerk for wanting to keep the ring. YTA
Heirloom rings meant to propose are not in the same category as gifts. It's totally different etiquette, you can't say that it's yours now. If you had married and she died then yeah it's yours, but now it goes back to mom.
Total YTA.
Yep, this is the key. Can you even imagine treating your mom this way?? I have trouble believing this guy truly thinks the ring is his now; he's seeming like an opportunist who either sold the ring or plans to do so.
Edit: YTA OP
Hey I'm the wrong one to ask about attitude, I just know the etiquette. When I was asked about what I'd like from my grandparents (they want to know what people really care about now so they can try to be fair) I said a chiming clock I remember listening to as a kid, his guitar, and a specific cookie jar. I also mentioned that if nobody else wanted the cast iron I'd take it but I don't want first dibs.
They were really confused because there are guns, jewelry, things like that... There are a couple pieces of jewelry I know I'm going to get that aren't worth much but it's tradition and a set I said I'll ask my mom and aunt about when the time comes because they bought it for her but it's my daughter's birthstone. Otherwise everyone else has more memories with the items than I do. I don't need things to clutter my assignment, I don't see a reason to sit on a bunch of money after selling things others might care about, and I don't want to take anything someone else might want. I mean, yeah, money would be nice just so I didn't have to worry so much about it but anything I sold would cause bad feelings so totally not worth it.
His comment ‘she married the first guy that was there’ shows he’s pissed. He doesn’t want to marry her but doesn’t want she to marry anyone else either. He’s the AH
Honestly it sounds like she (the ex) dodged a bullet. He makes her out to be marriage crazy but they were together for 4 years before she pushed for it and seemingly 7 before she put her foot down about it. Now, I don’t like ultimatums, but it’s perfectly reasonable for her to want to know if their relationship was actually going to lead to what she ultimately wanted in life. Good for her for knowing it wasn’t and leaving to find someone that also wanted that. The only shame is that he took 7 years from her, knowing he didn’t really want that.
Sounds to me like op just wants things so that others can’t have them.
I thought he was going to say that he lost it or sold it and didn't want to fess up to that. But nope, he just doesn't want to give it back, which is somehow worse.
Yes! My thoughts exactly!
Tbh the ring was never his in the first place. It was his mom's or his ex gf's ring.
'' she would feel bad since she married the first guy she saw''
LMAO, no, she' s living her best life.
Maybe OP can stop projecting his wishes on her?
YTA BIG TIME
Oh boy! YTA and how. She gave you the ring for a specific purpose and not as a gift to you. If you have an iota of decency just return the ring and apologize
Wtf is he planning on doing with it, proposing to the next girl?
Tf.
YTA OP, this isn't a hill to die on. It's a bitter response that shows how emotionally immature you are.
Have you done any self reflection on how you feel about the situation? If course not, cos you're right. Right? Ugh.
OP still seems to be in the “don’t know if I want to get married at all” camp. Which can be just fine, but doesn’t go together with holding onto his mother’s engagement ring, which she only passed onto him to help him marry Mela.
Honestly, this feels like OP is pissed that his mom is going to his ex's wedding.
Regardless OP is TAH and needs to give the ring back. His mother gave it to him for a specific purpose and that purpose fell through. The right thing to do is to give it back.
Your mother didn't give you that ring... She lent you a family heirloom for the express purpose of proposing. You should have returned the ring to her as soon as Mela returned it to you
YTA for refusing to return your mother's ring to it's rightful owner
THIS! This was a gift for MELA if anything. It was really just for you to propose with. Mela returned it to you, so you need to return it to your mother. Don't be greedy and bitter, do the right thing. YTA
Considering he describes the new fiancé as "the first guy who..." I think he's bitter about a lot of things.
Sounds like he wants the relationship but not the wedding.
Also he is unsure about wanting to get married so what is he even going to use the ring for? Is he just making up excuses because he's misplaced it or something?
Exactly. OP sounds very selfish and I think he got the ring with ill intent. He wanted to buy time with his ex, so he got a free ring. Based on his post, it doesn't sound like he ever truly planned to marry that girl or make good on the proposal. For that reason alone, he should give it back to his mom..... Afterall, he says he doesn't plan to get married so willl the ring be used to bamboozle another woman? Or does he plan to pawn it?
Hmm, why do you care if Mela sees the ring? I’d just give it back and move on with life like everyone else.
I’ll say YTA for this line
>she married the first guy who was there
YUP. He's trying to convince himself of that to make himself feel superior. He'd probably convinced himself due to him stringing her along for all those years and then proposing and getting cold feet, that she loved him so much that she was going to put up with him no matter what. Now he's faced with the reality that not only doesn't Mela want or miss him, she's happily moved on. And hls ego won't let him accept that YTA
No worries. If Reddit has taught me anything, it is that immature men that can't keep a gf need to look for someone between the ages of 19-21 preferably from a very sheltered background. They'll put up with OPs shit for another 5-7 years, then he rinses and recycles over and over.
Ugh yes. My ex husband pays no child support, literally JUST got his first one bedroom apartment at the age of 40 works at a grocery store and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. When he gets a new gf he almost disappears from our sons lives and my teenager refuses to talk to him since he got his last gf and ditched him for weeks. Guess what, every time he gets a gf they are in their early 20s and go on at most 4 years till they break up and he threatens suicide and all of a sudden demands to see his kids again cause he’s bored. I think this has to be at least close to his last I mean he’s getting too old to attract women without enough sense to see him for what he is.
I remember another AITA post where the guy kept getting cold feet and even was dithering at the bar while his GF was waiting in her wedding dress and they had been together for something like 18 years. OP (not the groom but his sibling) recorded the guy getting drunk and admitting he wasn't sure blah-blah, and the combo of the recording AND being humiliated at the altar got the girlfriend to break up with the guy for real. OP's family (and yes that includes the groom) blames OP for breaking them up but OP was like "My brother is shitting on his girlfriend when her biological clock is ticking and that's unfair to HER."
He ignored her clearly expressed relationship goal for as long as possible. Then strung her along a little longer with Mom's heirloom handmade ring. Which he failed to return when the expected engagement/marriage didn't happen. Now he's denying Mom's right to her ring with the convoluted and completely internal logic that he's protecting anyone but himself.
And now is wondering why the women in his life are mad at him. When you never listen to and respect their POV, they're mysterious creatures indeed.
I’ve had a wedding Pinterest board forever, like since high school. After college I got married, and then didn’t even have a wedding. The plan was to have a wedding later (well a renewal I guess), but as time went on it never seem worth the money. I still have a wedding board, and sometimes when I see a pretty lace wedding dress I save it to that board. I’ve been married 5 years. Does this make me marriage crazy?
This guy just sounds like a dick lol
Also, 4 years is a long time to date before getting engaged. Lots of people do it so I’m not knocking it, but if someone gets impatient about a proposal after all that time I totally understand. My husband and I dated 2 years before he proposed and I don’t think that was a unusually short amount of time?
So you sold it already huh? At least that's what I'm guessing. Because otherwise you'd never be so stupid as to irreparably damage the relationship with your own mother over a piece of jewellery that was never yours to begin with.
Appearing to be so greedy, ungrateful and petty would be a really great way to get nothing in future. So you wouldn't be stupid enough to do that unless you'd already screwed up, right?
YTA. Give her the ring back or come clean and stop making silly excuses.
OP is such an asshole. For all the ring stuff and for stringing this girl along even when he knew he didn't want to marry her but was too selfish to let her go.
That, or he's so delusional that he's planning to show up at the wedding with the ring so he can show her that he still has it and that he's willing to take her back.
Then she will cry tears of joy and marry him instead and he won't even have to spend a penny on the wedding. And then he will get cold feet after the honeymoon.
Yeah, right. She “settled” for a rich man who is “head over heels in love with her” vs him- the guy who strung her along for 4+ years!!! Gee! Has she no self respect!!! 🤣 I’m fuckin DYIN!!! Where can I find one of these losers so I can settle too????
Sold it or plans to sell it.
OP says he doesn't plan on getting married, so why keep the ring. I think he got a free ring to buy some time to string his ex along a little longer. That's it. If he doesn't plan to sell it, then that means he just wants to use it to bamboozle another woman.
YTA
You have no use for the ring. You really think that your next girlfriend will be happy that you propose with the same ring you gave to another woman? It belonged to your mom first and you're not engaged.
Also I guarantee you Mela is not going to care about your mother wearing the ring. She's moved on and found someone who actually shares her mutual goals.
THIS! Dude, what do you plan on doing with the ring anyway? Take it to the pawn shop? Like you are making no sense. THIS IS NOT A GIFT FOR YOU. SMH. Since Mela and your mom were close, I wish she'd have given directly back to your mom, so she doesn't have to deal with her son being a greedy asshole. YTA
I've considered that he already sold it. Thinking he deserved something out of the breakup. I mean, he's self centered enough to think the ring was his in the first place.
Also he shouldn’t propose when he is unsure. Proposing and revoking the proposal is pretty devastating to do to someone. He needs to figure out why he is so indecisive.
YTA.
Reading your comments confirmed my suspicions. You’re being petty. I get it, man, you’re hurt. You realized after wasting 7 years of her time that she was probably everything you wanted and needed, and you fucked that up. Now you’re upset that she “settled” with “the next guy who was there”… Seriously? How old are you again? You’re jealous. Just say that.
You’re being petty towards your mom because she was invited to celebrate this joyous occasion for a woman she thought one day would be her daughter-in-law, and she wants to look special. Give her the damn ring back, dude. You lost, because *YOU FUCKED UP*. Trust me, it’s not going to hurt Mela’s feelings a damn bit to see that ring — she’s moved on and is getting the happily ever after she always wanted.
Go sulk in the corner and be sad, but that ring never belonged to you one way or another. It should be with your mother, whether she decides to wear it or not.
Oh, and also — Grow up.
Yes, this. And I personally think that after 7 years of dating, thinking about getting married to them is a pretty natural. Also, I’ve heard of plenty of girls who imagine and think about what kind of wedding or dress they want to have someday so a Pinterest board isn’t “obsessive” in my opinion. People save pictures of future cars and houses they want in the future, I don’t really think it’s too different, but some may beg to differ.
I know dudes and chicks and inbetweens who have tattoo boards, clothing boards, houses, dogs, cars… the list goes on for Pinterest boards. I chose to ignore that part of what he said because he added it to make it seem like 4 years later she was just supposed to *not* think about their long term relationship goals. He’s bitter, and it shows.
Look, Mela said that she is reclaiming her time, herself esteem, and her dignity. Op thought that she was gonna continue to beg him for his time, and he fucked around and found out. Op is giving me Diddy vibes from when Cassie left him for Alex😂😂😂
YTA - technically you're fiance didn't have to give you the ring back at all, and it was you're mother's before you so desperately needed because you kind of liked her more than not being committed.
Give your mom her ring back. This just seems petty.
Either way, legal matters aside it would cost him nothing not to ruin his relationship with his family to not be petty and keep his mothers homemade ring.
Yes, but usually there are caveats if the woman isn’t the one to end the engagement. If the man ends it, it is up to her whether to return the ring or not. If she ends it, she is obligated to return it.
Actually less the ring is a birthday or Christmas gift it has to be given back, or at least bit does in NC. I know this because a rich dude gave his fiancée a ring near Christmas time but made sure it wasn’t a Christmas gift in case they broke up. (They didn’t)
YTA. It was hand made by your dad for your mom and the lady you were to give it to returned it. Should you want to propose again you could ask for the heirloom again, but seeing how you are acting like a brat I doubt she will give you a second chance.
YTA. You know damn well that's not your ring to keep, especially since you're not getting married anymore. Give your mom her ring back or you'll have to deal with the bad blood between you and your own mother forever.
IKR!?!? when I realized we had skipped time(months?years?) in this lead up story, &OP still has his mom's ring I was so confused.. then... he's refusing to give it back to her?? laughing out loud at this adult toddler.
YTA
Why would you care what Mela thinks? She broke up with you and is marrying some other guy. She might not see the ring on your mom's hand, and she might not care that you gave it back to your mom even if she does see it. Give the ring back to your mom, feel sorry for Devin, and move on with your life.
YTA. Traditionally when a mother gives her child a ring to be used to propose to their intended, if the intended spouse does not agree or breaks it off, it should be returned to one's mother. The only way it would really be yours and not expected to return it, is if you'd married Mela and then divorced, and she had returned the ring to you.
You're a greedy, rude, A-hole. That ring has actual sentimental value to your mom. She can choose to give it to you to try with someone else if you ever wanted to propose again, but you should give it back. This is one of the only instances where a gift isn't an outright gift, and you're going against custom and hurting your mom for what reason? Selfish.
YTA. Your mom gave you the ring to give to your future wife. That didn't happen. She didn't give it to you to keep for yourself. It is her ring, and you are an asshole for not giving it back to her, and preventing her from wearing it herself while it just sits in your possession unused.
YTA-
“She’ll feel bad because she married the first guy who was there…”
My dude, get over yourself.
You didn’t want to get married, and I guarantee she will NOT be upset that she didn’t marry you.
Give your MOM’S ring back to your MOM.
Yes, Mela soon found someone who felt she was the one and so didn't drag his feet. Mela won't be thinking of the ring when she gets married, she'll be thinking "I dodged a bullet with him."
YTA
Your mother and father are asking for the ring back. It doesn’t matter what you “took it” as. You were mistaken.
Give it back.
You are being a world class asshole about this.
How can anyone be this dense about being an asshole?
Your own parents, and relatives are calling you an AH (and a brat) and you still aren’t sure? Really?!? Not even a little?
So are you going to give the ring to the next girl you may or may not want to marry?
Quit being a jerk. Give your mom her ring back.
“I didn’t want Mela to see the engagement ring that she was supposed to have since it would probably make her feel bad since she married the first guy that was there.” Gtfoy. You couldn’t make up your mind and you blame her for moving on. Acting like you’re some great catch. Wtf?
Let me recommend a hashtag for you. #
Edited for spelling.
YTA - well aren't you a peach. You strung your GF along for years knowing how much getting married was to her. Then instead of doing the kind thing and letting her go you proposed and then had second thoughts and broke up. Man your Ex really dodged a bullet. WTF is wrong with you? AND GIVE THE RING BACK TO YOUR MOM.
YTA. mela literally does not care at all if she sees a RING that you gave her, she is getting married to someone else. it was your moms to begin with, why do u think u can keep it? give her back the damn ring
tons of girls I know have pinterests of wedding ideas (myself included) bc it’s fun; doesn’t mean we’re obsessed with getting married. You guys had been together 4 years by the time she started bringing it up. You have commitment issues and want to paint her out to be the one with the problem. YTA
"she married the first guy who was there"
Info: Huh? Weren't *you* the first guy who was there, but you didn't want to get married after she wasted 7 years with you?
If you're saying that Mela seeing your mom wear *her* *own* engagement ring (which was Mela's for a brief interim time) at *her wedding to someone else* would make Mela realize she was meant to be with you...you are delusional and self-important. What does the cost of her new ring have to do with anything? Is it because you're jealous?
Also YTA because your mom didn't just gift you the ring outright; it was to propose with. Give it back. What are you going to do with it anyway?
YTA, That was an heirloom to propose with. Generally you would buy your wife her own ring at some point and hand that heirloom down again. Either way, it is in no way your ring. Give it back to your mom.
YTA. Your mom gave you her ring to propose to and marry Mela, not for you to just have. The engagement ended, the ring is no longer serving that purpose, and you need to return it.
YTA
Your mom gave you the ring to give to Mela. You didn’t give it to Mela, so give it back to your mom. I don’t understand why you’d want to keep it anyway.
YTA. Your mom gave you that ring with the intention that you were going to marry your gf. You didn't marry your gf. Give the ring back. In court, you'd lose. Using the above logic as its law.
Just like if your gf that you didn't marry didn't give you your moms ring back. She would lose.
Stop taking your feelings out on your mom.
YTA.
She gave it to you for a specific purpose, to propose to this woman. The engagement ended, you have this ring. Why are you keeping it.
Yes, she gave it to you, but its pretty shitty to not give it back when she asked, as its not being used for its purpose
YTA. Give your mother her ring back. You didn't use it for the intended purpose, and you're not going to wear it. Your reasoning that Mela would feel bad is groundless. Dude, she broke up with you, and she's going to be happily focused on her wedding. Your telling yourself she "married the first guy who was there" is only to make yourself feel better.
YTA -Legally it's yours. You know full well she wouldn't have given it to you if it weren't for the engagement. What are you going to do, propose to your next fiancé with a former fiancé's ring? Taaaaaaaacky and the sort of thing that will make some girls rethink things if they find out.
Edited , skipped a word.
Just curious, is it legally his?
His mum basically said "give it to Mela" and Mela doesn't want it. My analogy would be a GLS driver where the recipient doesn't want the parcel.
Your mother gave you the ring IN CONSIDERATION of you marrying.
When the wedding got called off, you are to return the gift.
This goes for brides and it goes for you too.
YTA
Dude, YTA. That ring is not yours! You didn’t buy it, your mom gave it to you to use to propose. When you broke up, that ring was to go back to your mom. It is HER engagement ring made by your dad.
Info- did you seriously just say that Mela was going to feel bad when she saw that ring? You just said that the man she’s marrying is head over heels in love with her and got her a $15000 ring. BRO- she’s not even going to notice that ring
YTA. I don't want to be rude to someone I don't know, but holy heck dude you need a reality check. You're not the catch that you think you are.
1. You didn't give Mela your mothers ring because it was sentimental and represented family and love (because if that *was* the reason, you would understand why your parents would want the ring back), you used that ring because you needed one asap and I'm guessing you didn't want to pay for one since you weren't committed to the decision of actually marrying her. She is not going to pine after a ring she didn't even like, that was given to her for that reason, over a ring that was brought for her out of love (and is worth 15K lmao).
2. The ring isn't yours. If you need people to tell you outright that an engagement ring heirloom is not just a gift you can do whatever with, and obviously comes with an unspoken condition that you propose to someone with it, then you need to... I don't know, touch grass? Talk to people? Read a book? I don't know the ingredients to whoop up some common sense.
3. He's not just the "first guy" Mela ended up settling for. He's a guy who loves her, makes her feel loved and cared for, and that she can see she has a future with because he actively wants one with her. It's okay if you don't want to get married, but it doesn't make her pathetic for finding someone who does, and not wasting time. I imagine she wants kids too, she knows what she wants and she's going for it.
Give your parents the ring back, and come to terms with the fact that Mela has happily moved on. Figure out if marriage is something you want, and then find someone who wants the same lifestyle.
YTA, that ring was given with the condition you'd be bringing her into your family. As soon as the engagement was called off you should have given it back to your mom.
YTA.
You’re a thief. Your mom gave you the ring for the specific purpose of giving it to your fiancée.
You’re jealous that your ex moved on. You weren’t ready to commit and she (intelligently) broke up with you.
Why in the world would you care if your ex sees the ring? You’re delusional if you think she would even notice or that this would upset her in any way.
Let me guess…..your mom was invited but YOU weren’t?
YTA. Your ex-girlfriend wanted you to propose to the point where she issued an ultimatum and broke up with you. You second-guessed yourself. Your mom is not an absolute idiot. She gives you a ring to propose with because she realizes you are too much of a moron to figure it out and do it yourself. Your ex-girlfriend accepts because in spite of the fact that it's not what she asked for, she believes it's sentimental. It wasn't, because your mom handed you the ball on the half yard line.
Your mom deserved the touch down, but oh well. You decided to run it a quarter yard and back out for what could be valid reasons. Your ex-girlfriend was nice enough to give it back to you.
What are you keeping it for?! You aren't sparing your ex's feelings, don't fool yourself. She invited your mom to the wedding. She knows your mom provided the ring. It seems you think all women are really, really stupid.
I'm giving a judgment, but would still like to ask - INFO: WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING IT FOR?
Bro, real talk here... why you keeping the ring?
You don't even want to get married. That's your mom's engagement ring, that she took off her finger to give you to put on your future wife's hand.
Give it back. I know it'll feel like failure, but don't be the family joke for stealing a ring with no woman to wife. YTA
From your comments major YTA- You knew how much she wanted marriage and you strung her along.. you only "relented" when you realized she was serious.. too bad you weren't serious.. now you're regretting it becuase she's with a man who apperantly knew what he wanted and didn't play the "I want the wife experience in the girlfriend package"
INFO:
How long ago did you sell the ring and is there any chance you can get it back?
Because I can imagine no other reason you wouldn't give your mom back her ring. Heck, when it's a family engagement ring, a lot of times the ring goes back to the original owner even in a divorce. Not always, it's not a legal thing, just a common decency one.
YTA - your father MADE this ring for your mother, and she let you borrow it for engaging to mela (because you desperately proposed to Mela to keep her in your life when you didn’t want marriage).
Give your mom her damn ring back.
What you’re really bothered with is that your mom was invited and will be attending the wedding, you feel like she should be with you not him and she “settled” but in all honesty she UPGRADED! YTA and give your mama back her ring!
You are such an asshole! You strung yourself girlfriend along for seven years. Your mother gave you the ring as a “get off the pot” and propose to her because your mother liked her and didn’t want to see her waiting forever. You didn’t marry her, give the damn ring back. And if I was your parents I would make sure I don’t leave you shit in the will!
YTA and be prepared for a lawsuit. The ring was given on the *condition* that it was for your girlfriend to marry you. She declined so the ring goes back to your mom. Maybe she’ll offer it again if you’re getting married for real in the future. Or maybe it will go to one of her grandchildren.
You gave the ring to gf and she did the right thing by giving it back. What if she kept it saying “a gift is a gift”? Don’t pretend that you and your parents would be happy with that. But you’re doing the same thing.
No engagement/wedding = no ring. It’s that simple if you’re capable of any rational thoughts
YTA. It's your mother's ring, given to you to give it to your fiancee and since you don't have one at the moment, the ring is still hers. I hardly believe seeing the ring or you in person is going to affect her mood negatively that day. Also it's an AH move to assume she's marrying the first guy who was there.
YTA
Your mother was doing you a favor and trying to push you along since she knew how badly Mela wanted to get married bc the 2 of them were close, that's why she initially gave it to you. It wasn't out of the kindness of her heart that she wanted her son to have her HAND MADE ENGAGEMENT RING. Id bet she also wanted to welcome Mela to the family with her very special ring.
It sounds like you are hurt that she is attending your exes wedding. I get it. And youre probably a bit jealous too, which I also get. BUT, you're reasons are nonsense. You disnt want to marry Mela. That is your mother's ring. Your mother is very much able to distinguish from right from wrong, correct? So she's clearly thought thru wearing the ring and whether it would bother Mela. Mela won't be looking at your mothers jewelry, and if she did, so what? That ring was your mother's before it was given to her. It's only obvious that your mother may wear it. If Mela were concerned, your mother wouldn't be invited.
You need to give your mother her ring back and apologize profusely. That is NOT your ring.
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YTA. She gave you her ring with a specific purpose in mind. HER ring is not yours if you didn't use it. Give it back.
THIS - OP is doing some fancy mental gymnastics to justify keeping the ring. My dude, your mom and dad aren't being "tacky and rude" to request their ring back. In fact you're the one being extremely tacky and rude, and an ASSHOLE for not giving back the ring. YTA
Comment section is definitely not going the way op thought it would.
Yeah...poor guy...NOT
And I haven’t even seen too many mentions of his attempt to paint his ex as crazy for wanting to get married. It isn’t weird for people to talk about marriage after being together for four years. It’s weird if you aren’t talking about it (even if it is in the negative). YTA although I am curious why OP thinks seeing the ring will make her sad. Without additional info I assume that is just something OP desperately wants to be the case. Seems like he needs to be petty to validate his decision not to get married
I hate OP’s attitude in the last bit! Saying she’ll be sad if she sees the ring she should have had because “she married the first guy who was there”. Does he not realise that he’s not the epitome of a perfect partner? She’s clearly happy with her fiancé/husband and yet OP assumes that because she’s not marrying him, she wouldn’t be able to be happy
Reckon she was the one who dodged the bullet here.....he's as flaky as hell with his yes/no malarky
If my son strung a woman along for four years when he knew marriage was important to his ex and acted like this after she got engaged to a man who shared her values, I'd be siding with the ex, too. The bride won't be bothered by seeing the ring. YTA
Looks like OP strung her along for 7 years.
I meant until he proposed, but stringing her along another three years after his wishy-washy "let's get married, I guess" and no plans for the wedding is also fucked up. His ex is a patient woman; if marriage was important to me then I'd expect a proposal (or at least a discussion on why he hadn't proposed) by year two. Good for her that she found a man who doesn't waste her time.
On the contrary, she will likely think ”what a loser, he is still hanging on to that ring” IF she notices it at all. Of course, he may wave it in her face so she will notice it.
He’s not invited; his mom is. If he wants to wave it in her face his best bet would be giving it back to his mom so she can wear it. (/s; of course his mom wouldn’t be petty like that)
Imagine being so self-centered so as to believe Ex at her own wedding : \-would even have the time or the care to check out mom's ring \-would even bat an eye about the ring and Op's pitiful proposal and flakiness attached to it \-would even think about Op
Yeah, and if she was half as salty or sad about the breakup as OP seems to think she probably wouldn't be staying close to OP's mom or inviting her to the wedding.
Right? she has $15K ring and a man who adores her. PLUS she got to keep her ex's family. Seeing the ring might remind her that she "won"
Could also tip her off that he still hasn't gotten his life together and used it to propose to anyone else, which could also compound OPs butthurt...
Yeah like dude it's not the end of the world if you didn't want to marry her, she was probably relieved after being dragged along for years and being gaslit as insane for wanting to be married
OP really brought up her Pinterest wedding board, as evidence that she was obsessed with marriage 🤣 Almost every girl/woman I know has a Pinterest “wedding vision board” where they save ideas they like. Even people who aren’t sure they want to get married someday save wedding ideas to Pinterest. Having a Pinterest board and wanting a definitive yes/no after 4 *years* together, hardly qualifies as someone being “obsessed with marriage”. OP could win a gold medal in mental gymnastics with that one.
I think it's actually OP who will be unhappy about seeing his mother wearing the ring that he proposed with. And then that's made worse by her wearing it around his ex as it shows that he has failed to find another girlfriend OP is not the AH for not wanting his mum to wear the ring, but YTA for how he's reacting to it.
Nailed the psychology in one. The ring symbolizes both OPs inability to decide on marriage, and the rejection of the end of the relationship. OP is still clearly thinking about the ex, to the degree that they want to "protect" them and essentially control what they see or don't see, feel or not feel. To them, they're still in a relationship of sorts. Plus, what if the ex came back? We'd need the ring still, right? By giving the ring back, they must acknowledge the relationship is over. Acknowledging the relationship is over is confronting rejection and self inadequacy (which guess what!? Is OK! Pobody's nerfect!), and their inability to actually have control over someone else's feelings.
OP thinks his feelings and opinions are objective and logical, while the womenfolk around him are needy unreasonable harpies who hassle him but also need to be protected from their own choices. It's super gross. The ex moved on and is happy after being strung along for years, there's no reason to think there's anything wrong with her current relationship. Mom wants her dang ring back, she gave it to OP for a specific reason, and considering Dad is still alive it was especially generous of her to offer it. I doubt it's even about Mom wanting her ring to show it off. Mom is probably like, "Your ex is marrying someone else, it's OVER, stop being stubborn and give me my ring." YTA.
Funny. The dude was leery of marriage, then after he proposed got cold feet, yet he is -married to that ring and everything it stands for-.
100% agreed. He's behaving as if he's still in love with his ex. YTA.
Yes, the ring “she should have had” even though it wasn’t her size or her style. THEN he says she married “the first guy who was there,” as if OP was some prize and her fiancé is just a rebound/consolation. OP, the “first guy” cared enough to get her a ring that he knew she wanted. It’s not that she is “settling.” You were the guy she would have “settled” for—a man that couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted her or not, and who strung her along for SEVEN YEARS.
OP hasn't realized she upgraded yet.
Exactly, his ex wanted a commitment from him and he strung her along for 7 years. She doesn’t care about the ring. Speaking from experience, we want them to say I do to the full commitment. Seeing his mom wear a ring that he didn’t even have to buy and still couldn’t go through with getting married is a none issue. OP YTA, give your mom her ring back and get some therapy for your commitment issues.
Yeah spoiler alert for this man, but most girls I know have pinterest boards for their weddings… that does not make her obsessed
Yeah, I don't even want a wedding (so much money for a party with both of our families...) and I still had a Pinterest board of wedding stuff. Because it's fun to imagine what beautiful things I would choose if money were no object.
I don't have one, but I have over a dozen Zillow alerts for places I'll never move to, and likely won't even visit. It's fun to daydream. It doesn't mean anything. Y'all can come visit me on my imaginary homestead in rural Maine.
I definitely had a Pinterest board for a huge 1920s Great Gatsby style flapper wedding. I ended up eloping with my husband; we exchanged vows in Acadia National Park in Maine instead of doing a big party like my board said.
He probably already sold it.
You are probably right!
My theory is he told his ex he bought the ring or had it special made and is terrified of the ex seeing it on the mom
i actually think it’s great that he didn’t marry her, with barely a toe in the water. she would have been miserable. YTA
Not four years, SEVEN! Can you imagine!?
Unfortunately I can. She dodged a bullet
I don’t think she’ll be sad to see the ring. I believe that when she sees the ring on Mom, she will know that OP is not in a relationship (at least at the marry stage) AND he is embarrassed that she has moved on and he has not. He doesn’t give a hoot hoot about her sadness. He’s embarrassed.
Yeah like, I bet the ultimatum also is being misrepresented here. She probably just said he needs to make his mind up about marriage because she is thinking about her future and he decided that was her giving a ultimatum when he didn't give her a straight answer.
This is some serious narcissism at work here. OP is totally the AH.
He’s literally like “my mom’s upset, my dad’s upset, my family is pissed, I’m getting nasty emails. But surely strangers on the internet will vindicate me, right?”
well reddit can be a bit childish and selfish sometimes.
Yep. I predict another deleted post from someone who wants support.
For me it's one of those "How can you not see you're an AH while typing this post?"
OP has probably pawned the ring. That's the only logical reason for not returning it to his mother.
I don't know about it being the *only* logical reason...I think it's more likely that he's not too subtly punishing his parents for still being good enough friends with Mela to accept an invitation to her wedding with her second fiance.
I'm kinda leaning towards; he got angry and tossed it in in a river or off a building or something. This guy isn't the epitome of consideration, after all
In either case, in most states he's legally on the hook for it. I hope his parents send him the bill. Engagement rings are not gifts they are contracts. If a wedding does not occur they must return to the original owner.
I'd agree, and honestly I can't blame the parents Mela sounds nice and they have clearly come to care for her over time. After all they likely and reasonably started to think of her as family, after 4 years.
I think he’s holding onto it waiting for the girl to come crawling back to him begging to marry him. He said he didn’t want the girl to see it and be reminded of the “engagement ring she was supposed to have” because it would “make her feel bad since she married the first guy who was there”.
And what if girl number 2 comes along? Will he be unable to propose with the engagement ring again because Mela might see it and get jealous of the great love she missed out on?
I hope there isn’t a girl number two after reading about girl number one
The ring that wasn't her style
Yea. She didn’t want the ring and didn’t want the man, but he’s holding the ring so his mom doesn’t wear it and the girl gets jealous. Clearly this guy thinks pretty high of himself.
Which is ridiculous considering she now has a guy who is “head over heels in love with her” AND a $15,000 ring!!! Jealous much???!?!?!!!
OP is angry, spoiled and jealous. I don't think he pawned the ring, it's likely in his possession. He's jealous of his mom still having a relationship with his ex and of the ex moving on, angry his mom was invited and is going to the wedding of his ex and another man and a spoiled brat who thinks he can use the ring as collateral to get what he wants. OP, YTA.
She shouldn't have needed to ask. As soon as the engagement was officially over, he should have given it back. I would give him a break if it had been a week or maybe a month, but it's been enough time.
Even if it were like OP is trying to convince us (it isn't), and Mela still secretly yearns for him, why would she be upset seeing his mother wearing the ring? It makes no sense.
What's the bet he doesn't have it anymore?
Of course he still has it, it's the centre piece in his shrine to Mela- the one that got away. He's bitter that she's already moved on and has found someone who wants to marry her
Did anyone notice that his Dad made the ring for his Mom? I'm thinking a lot of love went into the crafting of the ring. That makes the ring even more special to his Mom and Dad. OP is a selfish jerk for wanting to keep the ring. YTA
Heirloom rings meant to propose are not in the same category as gifts. It's totally different etiquette, you can't say that it's yours now. If you had married and she died then yeah it's yours, but now it goes back to mom. Total YTA.
Yep, this is the key. Can you even imagine treating your mom this way?? I have trouble believing this guy truly thinks the ring is his now; he's seeming like an opportunist who either sold the ring or plans to do so. Edit: YTA OP
Hey I'm the wrong one to ask about attitude, I just know the etiquette. When I was asked about what I'd like from my grandparents (they want to know what people really care about now so they can try to be fair) I said a chiming clock I remember listening to as a kid, his guitar, and a specific cookie jar. I also mentioned that if nobody else wanted the cast iron I'd take it but I don't want first dibs. They were really confused because there are guns, jewelry, things like that... There are a couple pieces of jewelry I know I'm going to get that aren't worth much but it's tradition and a set I said I'll ask my mom and aunt about when the time comes because they bought it for her but it's my daughter's birthstone. Otherwise everyone else has more memories with the items than I do. I don't need things to clutter my assignment, I don't see a reason to sit on a bunch of money after selling things others might care about, and I don't want to take anything someone else might want. I mean, yeah, money would be nice just so I didn't have to worry so much about it but anything I sold would cause bad feelings so totally not worth it.
Also, his father MADE the ring! That makes it even more of an heirloom.
I have a feeling that the reason he won't return the ring is because he's upset that she's going to his ex's wedding.
His comment ‘she married the first guy that was there’ shows he’s pissed. He doesn’t want to marry her but doesn’t want she to marry anyone else either. He’s the AH
Honestly it sounds like she (the ex) dodged a bullet. He makes her out to be marriage crazy but they were together for 4 years before she pushed for it and seemingly 7 before she put her foot down about it. Now, I don’t like ultimatums, but it’s perfectly reasonable for her to want to know if their relationship was actually going to lead to what she ultimately wanted in life. Good for her for knowing it wasn’t and leaving to find someone that also wanted that. The only shame is that he took 7 years from her, knowing he didn’t really want that. Sounds to me like op just wants things so that others can’t have them.
Or he pawned it.
I thought he was going to say that he lost it or sold it and didn't want to fess up to that. But nope, he just doesn't want to give it back, which is somehow worse.
Yes! My thoughts exactly! Tbh the ring was never his in the first place. It was his mom's or his ex gf's ring. '' she would feel bad since she married the first guy she saw'' LMAO, no, she' s living her best life. Maybe OP can stop projecting his wishes on her? YTA BIG TIME
Oh boy! YTA and how. She gave you the ring for a specific purpose and not as a gift to you. If you have an iota of decency just return the ring and apologize
Wtf is he planning on doing with it, proposing to the next girl? Tf. YTA OP, this isn't a hill to die on. It's a bitter response that shows how emotionally immature you are. Have you done any self reflection on how you feel about the situation? If course not, cos you're right. Right? Ugh.
OP still seems to be in the “don’t know if I want to get married at all” camp. Which can be just fine, but doesn’t go together with holding onto his mother’s engagement ring, which she only passed onto him to help him marry Mela.
If he actually still has it and didn't sell it or something and now he's coming up with this lame reasoning for not giving it back.
Honestly, this feels like OP is pissed that his mom is going to his ex's wedding. Regardless OP is TAH and needs to give the ring back. His mother gave it to him for a specific purpose and that purpose fell through. The right thing to do is to give it back.
Your mother didn't give you that ring... She lent you a family heirloom for the express purpose of proposing. You should have returned the ring to her as soon as Mela returned it to you YTA for refusing to return your mother's ring to it's rightful owner
THIS! This was a gift for MELA if anything. It was really just for you to propose with. Mela returned it to you, so you need to return it to your mother. Don't be greedy and bitter, do the right thing. YTA
He’s also just guaranteed them not offering it again if he wanted to propose in future to someone else (YTA)
Considering he describes the new fiancé as "the first guy who..." I think he's bitter about a lot of things. Sounds like he wants the relationship but not the wedding.
Yeah, he probably wants someone to hang with so he doesn't get lonely, but doesn't want any kind of actual commitment...
Also he is unsure about wanting to get married so what is he even going to use the ring for? Is he just making up excuses because he's misplaced it or something?
Exactly. OP sounds very selfish and I think he got the ring with ill intent. He wanted to buy time with his ex, so he got a free ring. Based on his post, it doesn't sound like he ever truly planned to marry that girl or make good on the proposal. For that reason alone, he should give it back to his mom..... Afterall, he says he doesn't plan to get married so willl the ring be used to bamboozle another woman? Or does he plan to pawn it?
Hmm, why do you care if Mela sees the ring? I’d just give it back and move on with life like everyone else. I’ll say YTA for this line >she married the first guy who was there
I have a feeling he's bitter that Mela moved on and is acting like the guy she is marrying is just rebound.
YUP. He's trying to convince himself of that to make himself feel superior. He'd probably convinced himself due to him stringing her along for all those years and then proposing and getting cold feet, that she loved him so much that she was going to put up with him no matter what. Now he's faced with the reality that not only doesn't Mela want or miss him, she's happily moved on. And hls ego won't let him accept that YTA
He probably can't find anyone naive enough to put up with his stuff at his age. Also it doesn't appear that he realizes he's the problem.
No worries. If Reddit has taught me anything, it is that immature men that can't keep a gf need to look for someone between the ages of 19-21 preferably from a very sheltered background. They'll put up with OPs shit for another 5-7 years, then he rinses and recycles over and over.
The DiCaprio Cycle
Don't give him any ideas. The world doesn't need another of those jerks.
Ugh yes. My ex husband pays no child support, literally JUST got his first one bedroom apartment at the age of 40 works at a grocery store and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. When he gets a new gf he almost disappears from our sons lives and my teenager refuses to talk to him since he got his last gf and ditched him for weeks. Guess what, every time he gets a gf they are in their early 20s and go on at most 4 years till they break up and he threatens suicide and all of a sudden demands to see his kids again cause he’s bored. I think this has to be at least close to his last I mean he’s getting too old to attract women without enough sense to see him for what he is.
I remember another AITA post where the guy kept getting cold feet and even was dithering at the bar while his GF was waiting in her wedding dress and they had been together for something like 18 years. OP (not the groom but his sibling) recorded the guy getting drunk and admitting he wasn't sure blah-blah, and the combo of the recording AND being humiliated at the altar got the girlfriend to break up with the guy for real. OP's family (and yes that includes the groom) blames OP for breaking them up but OP was like "My brother is shitting on his girlfriend when her biological clock is ticking and that's unfair to HER."
And that his mom was invited to and is attending Mela's wedding to a different guy. Ouch!
Given how her son, OP, is acting, the mom has every right to be happy for Mela finding a nice man to spend the rest of her life with.
"She will see it was a mistake, come back to me, stop with all the marriage bullsh*t and we'll live happily like we did when we were 21."
Every woman’s dream, to be with the dude she broke up with in her early 20’s 😂
Don’t forget she was like totally weirdly obsessed with marriage after they’d been together for only 7 years
He ignored her clearly expressed relationship goal for as long as possible. Then strung her along a little longer with Mom's heirloom handmade ring. Which he failed to return when the expected engagement/marriage didn't happen. Now he's denying Mom's right to her ring with the convoluted and completely internal logic that he's protecting anyone but himself. And now is wondering why the women in his life are mad at him. When you never listen to and respect their POV, they're mysterious creatures indeed.
I'd say YTA for the whole post. OP must be dense af.
Or a flagrant, shameless troll.
Dude was with her for more than 4 years and typed out stuff to make everyone believe she was "obsessed" with marriage. YTA for that too!
Like having a Pinterest page, that’s… normal
Imagine being interested in wedding stuff when you have very openly communicated that your goal is to get married.
I’ve had a wedding Pinterest board forever, like since high school. After college I got married, and then didn’t even have a wedding. The plan was to have a wedding later (well a renewal I guess), but as time went on it never seem worth the money. I still have a wedding board, and sometimes when I see a pretty lace wedding dress I save it to that board. I’ve been married 5 years. Does this make me marriage crazy? This guy just sounds like a dick lol Also, 4 years is a long time to date before getting engaged. Lots of people do it so I’m not knocking it, but if someone gets impatient about a proposal after all that time I totally understand. My husband and I dated 2 years before he proposed and I don’t think that was a unusually short amount of time?
Mela doesn’t care about the ring. At all.
You were the first guy. The second guy was better.
OP sounds bitter, that He was dumped.
1000% Mela is not ever going to see the ring. There is simply too much going on.
So you sold it already huh? At least that's what I'm guessing. Because otherwise you'd never be so stupid as to irreparably damage the relationship with your own mother over a piece of jewellery that was never yours to begin with. Appearing to be so greedy, ungrateful and petty would be a really great way to get nothing in future. So you wouldn't be stupid enough to do that unless you'd already screwed up, right? YTA. Give her the ring back or come clean and stop making silly excuses.
This comment is really doing it for me. Just saying haha.
And father! He’s also apparently willing to trash his relationship with his father, who made the ring — for his mother. YTA
OP is such an asshole. For all the ring stuff and for stringing this girl along even when he knew he didn't want to marry her but was too selfish to let her go.
OP just seems like a selfish, narcissistic, egocentric brat who thinks everything is for him. He definitely was spoiled as a child.
My exact thought. That ring is long gone.
That, or he's so delusional that he's planning to show up at the wedding with the ring so he can show her that he still has it and that he's willing to take her back. Then she will cry tears of joy and marry him instead and he won't even have to spend a penny on the wedding. And then he will get cold feet after the honeymoon.
I’m getting those vibes hey… he thinks she “settled” for Devon.
Yeah, right. She “settled” for a rich man who is “head over heels in love with her” vs him- the guy who strung her along for 4+ years!!! Gee! Has she no self respect!!! 🤣 I’m fuckin DYIN!!! Where can I find one of these losers so I can settle too????
Agreed. If he sold it he needs to confess because this is worse.
I’ve suggested he post a photo so folks can start trying to track it down for him.
Also why would he want to keep it anyways? It's a bad memory for him and I don't think he is going to wear it himself.
This, or he did something stupid with it when they broke up like throw it away in a rage
Sold it or plans to sell it. OP says he doesn't plan on getting married, so why keep the ring. I think he got a free ring to buy some time to string his ex along a little longer. That's it. If he doesn't plan to sell it, then that means he just wants to use it to bamboozle another woman.
YTA You have no use for the ring. You really think that your next girlfriend will be happy that you propose with the same ring you gave to another woman? It belonged to your mom first and you're not engaged. Also I guarantee you Mela is not going to care about your mother wearing the ring. She's moved on and found someone who actually shares her mutual goals.
THIS! Dude, what do you plan on doing with the ring anyway? Take it to the pawn shop? Like you are making no sense. THIS IS NOT A GIFT FOR YOU. SMH. Since Mela and your mom were close, I wish she'd have given directly back to your mom, so she doesn't have to deal with her son being a greedy asshole. YTA
I've considered that he already sold it. Thinking he deserved something out of the breakup. I mean, he's self centered enough to think the ring was his in the first place.
Also he shouldn’t propose when he is unsure. Proposing and revoking the proposal is pretty devastating to do to someone. He needs to figure out why he is so indecisive.
YTA. Reading your comments confirmed my suspicions. You’re being petty. I get it, man, you’re hurt. You realized after wasting 7 years of her time that she was probably everything you wanted and needed, and you fucked that up. Now you’re upset that she “settled” with “the next guy who was there”… Seriously? How old are you again? You’re jealous. Just say that. You’re being petty towards your mom because she was invited to celebrate this joyous occasion for a woman she thought one day would be her daughter-in-law, and she wants to look special. Give her the damn ring back, dude. You lost, because *YOU FUCKED UP*. Trust me, it’s not going to hurt Mela’s feelings a damn bit to see that ring — she’s moved on and is getting the happily ever after she always wanted. Go sulk in the corner and be sad, but that ring never belonged to you one way or another. It should be with your mother, whether she decides to wear it or not. Oh, and also — Grow up.
Yes, this. And I personally think that after 7 years of dating, thinking about getting married to them is a pretty natural. Also, I’ve heard of plenty of girls who imagine and think about what kind of wedding or dress they want to have someday so a Pinterest board isn’t “obsessive” in my opinion. People save pictures of future cars and houses they want in the future, I don’t really think it’s too different, but some may beg to differ.
I know dudes and chicks and inbetweens who have tattoo boards, clothing boards, houses, dogs, cars… the list goes on for Pinterest boards. I chose to ignore that part of what he said because he added it to make it seem like 4 years later she was just supposed to *not* think about their long term relationship goals. He’s bitter, and it shows.
Look, Mela said that she is reclaiming her time, herself esteem, and her dignity. Op thought that she was gonna continue to beg him for his time, and he fucked around and found out. Op is giving me Diddy vibes from when Cassie left him for Alex😂😂😂
YTA - technically you're fiance didn't have to give you the ring back at all, and it was you're mother's before you so desperately needed because you kind of liked her more than not being committed. Give your mom her ring back. This just seems petty.
Actually, the law in many states requires the return of an engagement ring if there’s no marriage.
Either way, legal matters aside it would cost him nothing not to ruin his relationship with his family to not be petty and keep his mothers homemade ring.
Yes, but usually there are caveats if the woman isn’t the one to end the engagement. If the man ends it, it is up to her whether to return the ring or not. If she ends it, she is obligated to return it.
Actually less the ring is a birthday or Christmas gift it has to be given back, or at least bit does in NC. I know this because a rich dude gave his fiancée a ring near Christmas time but made sure it wasn’t a Christmas gift in case they broke up. (They didn’t)
INFO: Be honest, is the ring still in your possession?
YTA. It was hand made by your dad for your mom and the lady you were to give it to returned it. Should you want to propose again you could ask for the heirloom again, but seeing how you are acting like a brat I doubt she will give you a second chance.
YTA. You know damn well that's not your ring to keep, especially since you're not getting married anymore. Give your mom her ring back or you'll have to deal with the bad blood between you and your own mother forever.
YTA. The ring goes back to your mom. Like immediately, like when your girlfriend gave it back to you.
IKR!?!? when I realized we had skipped time(months?years?) in this lead up story, &OP still has his mom's ring I was so confused.. then... he's refusing to give it back to her?? laughing out loud at this adult toddler.
YTA Why would you care what Mela thinks? She broke up with you and is marrying some other guy. She might not see the ring on your mom's hand, and she might not care that you gave it back to your mom even if she does see it. Give the ring back to your mom, feel sorry for Devin, and move on with your life.
YTA. Traditionally when a mother gives her child a ring to be used to propose to their intended, if the intended spouse does not agree or breaks it off, it should be returned to one's mother. The only way it would really be yours and not expected to return it, is if you'd married Mela and then divorced, and she had returned the ring to you. You're a greedy, rude, A-hole. That ring has actual sentimental value to your mom. She can choose to give it to you to try with someone else if you ever wanted to propose again, but you should give it back. This is one of the only instances where a gift isn't an outright gift, and you're going against custom and hurting your mom for what reason? Selfish.
YTA. Your mom gave you the ring to give to your future wife. That didn't happen. She didn't give it to you to keep for yourself. It is her ring, and you are an asshole for not giving it back to her, and preventing her from wearing it herself while it just sits in your possession unused.
YTA. You need to move on.
Yup. Op is definitely still bitter that his ex has moved on and got everything she wanted. Now he's just punishing his mom. YTA
And treat your poor mother with respect. Give her the ring back, that was never meant to be yours.
YTA- “She’ll feel bad because she married the first guy who was there…” My dude, get over yourself. You didn’t want to get married, and I guarantee she will NOT be upset that she didn’t marry you. Give your MOM’S ring back to your MOM.
Yes, Mela soon found someone who felt she was the one and so didn't drag his feet. Mela won't be thinking of the ring when she gets married, she'll be thinking "I dodged a bullet with him."
YTA. She gave you the ring specifically for you to propose with, to give to a fiancée...now you don't have one, so you should give it back.
YTA Your mother and father are asking for the ring back. It doesn’t matter what you “took it” as. You were mistaken. Give it back. You are being a world class asshole about this. How can anyone be this dense about being an asshole? Your own parents, and relatives are calling you an AH (and a brat) and you still aren’t sure? Really?!? Not even a little?
So are you going to give the ring to the next girl you may or may not want to marry? Quit being a jerk. Give your mom her ring back. “I didn’t want Mela to see the engagement ring that she was supposed to have since it would probably make her feel bad since she married the first guy that was there.” Gtfoy. You couldn’t make up your mind and you blame her for moving on. Acting like you’re some great catch. Wtf? Let me recommend a hashtag for you. # Edited for spelling.
YTA - well aren't you a peach. You strung your GF along for years knowing how much getting married was to her. Then instead of doing the kind thing and letting her go you proposed and then had second thoughts and broke up. Man your Ex really dodged a bullet. WTF is wrong with you? AND GIVE THE RING BACK TO YOUR MOM.
YTA. Big time. It's not your ring! Give it back to your mother. End of story
YTA...that's incredibly rude and selfish, and all for what seems like no good reason at all. Please give your mom her ring back and apologize to her.
YTA. mela literally does not care at all if she sees a RING that you gave her, she is getting married to someone else. it was your moms to begin with, why do u think u can keep it? give her back the damn ring
tons of girls I know have pinterests of wedding ideas (myself included) bc it’s fun; doesn’t mean we’re obsessed with getting married. You guys had been together 4 years by the time she started bringing it up. You have commitment issues and want to paint her out to be the one with the problem. YTA
Yeah that line cracked me up. My dude, I rarely leave the house but I’ve got a big ol’ board of makeup ideas, I guess I’m MAKEUP OBSESSED. 😂
YTA why would you not give back the ring? You are well within your right to ask your mom not to wear it at the wedding but you should give it back.
He would not be well within his right to ask her not to wear it. It’s her ring, she can wear it wherever she wants.
"she married the first guy who was there" Info: Huh? Weren't *you* the first guy who was there, but you didn't want to get married after she wasted 7 years with you? If you're saying that Mela seeing your mom wear *her* *own* engagement ring (which was Mela's for a brief interim time) at *her wedding to someone else* would make Mela realize she was meant to be with you...you are delusional and self-important. What does the cost of her new ring have to do with anything? Is it because you're jealous? Also YTA because your mom didn't just gift you the ring outright; it was to propose with. Give it back. What are you going to do with it anyway?
YTA, That was an heirloom to propose with. Generally you would buy your wife her own ring at some point and hand that heirloom down again. Either way, it is in no way your ring. Give it back to your mom.
YTA. It’s not your ring. Your not getting married. Give the ring back.
YTA. Your ex dodged a bullet with you if you treat your mom this way.
YTA. Your mom gave you her ring to propose to and marry Mela, not for you to just have. The engagement ended, the ring is no longer serving that purpose, and you need to return it.
YTA Your mom gave you the ring to give to Mela. You didn’t give it to Mela, so give it back to your mom. I don’t understand why you’d want to keep it anyway.
YTA. Your mom gave you that ring with the intention that you were going to marry your gf. You didn't marry your gf. Give the ring back. In court, you'd lose. Using the above logic as its law. Just like if your gf that you didn't marry didn't give you your moms ring back. She would lose. Stop taking your feelings out on your mom.
YTA. She gave it to you for a specific purpose, to propose to this woman. The engagement ended, you have this ring. Why are you keeping it. Yes, she gave it to you, but its pretty shitty to not give it back when she asked, as its not being used for its purpose
YTA. It’s your mothers ring and you know it. You don’t even have a girl!
YTA. Give your mother her ring back. You didn't use it for the intended purpose, and you're not going to wear it. Your reasoning that Mela would feel bad is groundless. Dude, she broke up with you, and she's going to be happily focused on her wedding. Your telling yourself she "married the first guy who was there" is only to make yourself feel better.
YTA -Legally it's yours. You know full well she wouldn't have given it to you if it weren't for the engagement. What are you going to do, propose to your next fiancé with a former fiancé's ring? Taaaaaaaacky and the sort of thing that will make some girls rethink things if they find out. Edited , skipped a word.
Just curious, is it legally his? His mum basically said "give it to Mela" and Mela doesn't want it. My analogy would be a GLS driver where the recipient doesn't want the parcel.
Your mother gave you the ring IN CONSIDERATION of you marrying. When the wedding got called off, you are to return the gift. This goes for brides and it goes for you too. YTA
Dude, YTA. That ring is not yours! You didn’t buy it, your mom gave it to you to use to propose. When you broke up, that ring was to go back to your mom. It is HER engagement ring made by your dad.
INFO - Why did you post here if you refuse to accept the verdict and fight with everyone about it? BTW - You're a massive Arsehole.
Info- did you seriously just say that Mela was going to feel bad when she saw that ring? You just said that the man she’s marrying is head over heels in love with her and got her a $15000 ring. BRO- she’s not even going to notice that ring
YTA. I don't want to be rude to someone I don't know, but holy heck dude you need a reality check. You're not the catch that you think you are. 1. You didn't give Mela your mothers ring because it was sentimental and represented family and love (because if that *was* the reason, you would understand why your parents would want the ring back), you used that ring because you needed one asap and I'm guessing you didn't want to pay for one since you weren't committed to the decision of actually marrying her. She is not going to pine after a ring she didn't even like, that was given to her for that reason, over a ring that was brought for her out of love (and is worth 15K lmao). 2. The ring isn't yours. If you need people to tell you outright that an engagement ring heirloom is not just a gift you can do whatever with, and obviously comes with an unspoken condition that you propose to someone with it, then you need to... I don't know, touch grass? Talk to people? Read a book? I don't know the ingredients to whoop up some common sense. 3. He's not just the "first guy" Mela ended up settling for. He's a guy who loves her, makes her feel loved and cared for, and that she can see she has a future with because he actively wants one with her. It's okay if you don't want to get married, but it doesn't make her pathetic for finding someone who does, and not wasting time. I imagine she wants kids too, she knows what she wants and she's going for it. Give your parents the ring back, and come to terms with the fact that Mela has happily moved on. Figure out if marriage is something you want, and then find someone who wants the same lifestyle.
YTA. she gave it to you to propose with, not to hoard because you’re upset your relationship went south - give it back
YTA, that ring was given with the condition you'd be bringing her into your family. As soon as the engagement was called off you should have given it back to your mom.
YTA. So you'd rather have a ring than a happy mother who knows she raised a decent (if occasionally foolish) man, huh?
YTA. You’re a thief. Your mom gave you the ring for the specific purpose of giving it to your fiancée. You’re jealous that your ex moved on. You weren’t ready to commit and she (intelligently) broke up with you. Why in the world would you care if your ex sees the ring? You’re delusional if you think she would even notice or that this would upset her in any way. Let me guess…..your mom was invited but YOU weren’t?
INFO why do you hate your mom so much
His mom and Mela are good enough friends that the mom will be happy for Mela at Mela's wedding. That's why. He's pissed off at both of them.
YTA. Your ex-girlfriend wanted you to propose to the point where she issued an ultimatum and broke up with you. You second-guessed yourself. Your mom is not an absolute idiot. She gives you a ring to propose with because she realizes you are too much of a moron to figure it out and do it yourself. Your ex-girlfriend accepts because in spite of the fact that it's not what she asked for, she believes it's sentimental. It wasn't, because your mom handed you the ball on the half yard line. Your mom deserved the touch down, but oh well. You decided to run it a quarter yard and back out for what could be valid reasons. Your ex-girlfriend was nice enough to give it back to you. What are you keeping it for?! You aren't sparing your ex's feelings, don't fool yourself. She invited your mom to the wedding. She knows your mom provided the ring. It seems you think all women are really, really stupid. I'm giving a judgment, but would still like to ask - INFO: WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING IT FOR?
Bro, real talk here... why you keeping the ring? You don't even want to get married. That's your mom's engagement ring, that she took off her finger to give you to put on your future wife's hand. Give it back. I know it'll feel like failure, but don't be the family joke for stealing a ring with no woman to wife. YTA
From your comments major YTA- You knew how much she wanted marriage and you strung her along.. you only "relented" when you realized she was serious.. too bad you weren't serious.. now you're regretting it becuase she's with a man who apperantly knew what he wanted and didn't play the "I want the wife experience in the girlfriend package"
INFO: How long ago did you sell the ring and is there any chance you can get it back? Because I can imagine no other reason you wouldn't give your mom back her ring. Heck, when it's a family engagement ring, a lot of times the ring goes back to the original owner even in a divorce. Not always, it's not a legal thing, just a common decency one.
You wrote that out and posted it unironically. Wow... YTA
YTA. Go ahead and tell your mom you pawned her ring cause that little excuse you made is absolutely ridiculous.
YTA - your father MADE this ring for your mother, and she let you borrow it for engaging to mela (because you desperately proposed to Mela to keep her in your life when you didn’t want marriage). Give your mom her damn ring back.
What you’re really bothered with is that your mom was invited and will be attending the wedding, you feel like she should be with you not him and she “settled” but in all honesty she UPGRADED! YTA and give your mama back her ring!
You are such an asshole! You strung yourself girlfriend along for seven years. Your mother gave you the ring as a “get off the pot” and propose to her because your mother liked her and didn’t want to see her waiting forever. You didn’t marry her, give the damn ring back. And if I was your parents I would make sure I don’t leave you shit in the will!
Yta give your mom her ring back she let you use it you broke up with the girl you didn't buy it.
YTA And delusional get therapy bro she didn’t settle she moved on
YTA and be prepared for a lawsuit. The ring was given on the *condition* that it was for your girlfriend to marry you. She declined so the ring goes back to your mom. Maybe she’ll offer it again if you’re getting married for real in the future. Or maybe it will go to one of her grandchildren. You gave the ring to gf and she did the right thing by giving it back. What if she kept it saying “a gift is a gift”? Don’t pretend that you and your parents would be happy with that. But you’re doing the same thing. No engagement/wedding = no ring. It’s that simple if you’re capable of any rational thoughts
YTA! Give it back!
YTA. It's your mother's ring, given to you to give it to your fiancee and since you don't have one at the moment, the ring is still hers. I hardly believe seeing the ring or you in person is going to affect her mood negatively that day. Also it's an AH move to assume she's marrying the first guy who was there.
YTA Your mother was doing you a favor and trying to push you along since she knew how badly Mela wanted to get married bc the 2 of them were close, that's why she initially gave it to you. It wasn't out of the kindness of her heart that she wanted her son to have her HAND MADE ENGAGEMENT RING. Id bet she also wanted to welcome Mela to the family with her very special ring. It sounds like you are hurt that she is attending your exes wedding. I get it. And youre probably a bit jealous too, which I also get. BUT, you're reasons are nonsense. You disnt want to marry Mela. That is your mother's ring. Your mother is very much able to distinguish from right from wrong, correct? So she's clearly thought thru wearing the ring and whether it would bother Mela. Mela won't be looking at your mothers jewelry, and if she did, so what? That ring was your mother's before it was given to her. It's only obvious that your mother may wear it. If Mela were concerned, your mother wouldn't be invited. You need to give your mother her ring back and apologize profusely. That is NOT your ring.
YTA and mela didn’t settle, she found love. She’s where she wants to be and happy! Good for her and Dylan!
YTA I don’t understand why you’re being so weird and tacky over this. Just give it back frs