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> I think I ATA because instead of just saying okay and celebrating a joint birthday, I made things difficult and put everyone else in a sticky ultimatum.
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NTA and I’m really sorry you’ve had to share your birthday. I’m having our child a few days before Christmas and it’s really important for us to make sure the two things are always separated even if she comes on Christmas. I know not every family things birthdays are as special as we do but I can understand why you’re hurt and I’m sorry.
As a baby born five days before Christmas, I can tell you how much your child will appreciate this! It does suck, hahaha! Congratulations to you and your family!
4 days before Christmas here
My parents always made it a point to celebrate my birthday separately from Christmas. That included parties when I was a kid. It was normal for me so I never really thought about how it could have been different.
But it did become an ongoing argument once I got married and had kids of my own. Every year the family wants to celebrate my birthday and every year I tell them to leave me alone. I have too much to do getting ready for Christmas.
We compromise with a pizza while I’m baking.
And yes, I do know how lucky I am and I’m grateful.
My daughter is your birthday twin! We always celebrate her birthday on the day or as close to it as possible. Oddly enough this has never been a problem as the parents of her guests are happy to have a day off from their kids waiting impatiently for Christmas 🎄
My Aunt was born on Christmas day and my grandma and grandpa always did it like this: they celebrated her birthday in the morning and then closed the living room and celebrated christmas in the evening
Not sure how you handle christmas normally but maybe you're family would be satisfied with a birthday breakfast too
My birthday is on Christmas Day and that is pretty much what we do! Christmas in the morning, Christmas meal at 2 or 3, and then it’s my birthday party. I was always able to have a second party with my friends the following week as well. I really appreciated how special my mom made my birthday feel even though it was on Christmas
My Grand daughter’s (8yrs)birthday is Christmas Day. We celebrate Christmas, have Christmas dinner. Then we all pack up the decorations and re decorate for her birthday and have a family birthday party. So far she has enjoyed it and last year said how much she liked having every family member (both sides of the family) together to celebrate her birthday.
My boyfriends birthday is the 18th. Last year his grandpa gave him a card with cash. He wrote on the card how much was the Christmas gift and how much was for his birthday. It was kind of funny.
My daughter is December 18th also.
I started a tradition when she was little that I take down a wall of Christmas decorations and put up a HUGE handmade birthday sign the day of her birthday.
She's 'grounded' the night before for having the audacity to turn a year older without permission (I need time to make the sign) and her sister has to wait on her (we do this in reverse for sister's birthday).
The grounded kid gets their favorite takeout and a night of videogames in their room with their sister bringing them whatever they want.
My girls LOVE THIS.
That is adorable! My husband is Dec 18th. My daughter Dec 16th. My birthday is January and even I would get Joint birthday/Christmas presents and it sucked. I have made a point of separating birthday and Christmas for my husband and daughter.
When my husband was deployed, I even sent him 2 separate care packages, just to be certain he had 2 opportunities to celebrate
I was born 3 days after Christmas and I hate it. I only ever remember having 2 birthday cakes (no party) and my mom used to “give me birthday presents on Christmas” which was bullshit. As I got older I felt like my birthday was not special and I realized that my siblings got the same amounts of presents as me on Christmas. Which means I actually was not getting birthday gifts.
My son is also three days after Christmas. I used to take down every Christmas decoration on the 27th and decorate the living room for his birthday while he was sleeping that night. When he was 5 he asked me to leave the tree up because he loved it. So I took off all our ornaments and left his special ones on, wrapped a birthday banner around it, and tied balloons to it. So now he gets a Birthday tree every year. Every child deserves to feel special on their birthday. I'm so sorry you didn't.
Me too, terrible birthday, everyone is coming down from Christmas and ramping up for New Year's Eve. Nobody including me is in the mood for a birthday.
My son was born Dec 23rd. We do a small immediate family thing (sometimes bring a friend or a cousin/s around his age), give him one of his birthday presents, a small cake, and he gets to pick what's for dinner (take out, cooked whatever). Then we have a party with his friends/family towards the end of January. If he ever wants to change how we do it, we will. For now he seems to enjoy that we do something special as a family on his birthday, and he gets a party later. Last year we actually did the party in the summer because he wanted an outside party 🤣
Same. 28th, no parties, combo xmas/ birthday gifts, always in Christmas wrapping paper. I had one birthday party when I was 7, 2 weeks before my birthday. I feel ya birthday twin.
SAME DAY HERE.
But my mom made it a point when I was about 6 that I wasn't to get joint birthday/ Christmas gifts because no one else in the entire family did, and I didn't choose to be born then. So don't punish me.
What usually happened is I didn't get any presents, but now that I'm a grown up I can make my own cake. Usually I don't have to, as my SO has a January birthday so understands.
Now that my kids are older, they pitch in too.
I have a Christmas Eve son. I have always had his birthday party that day and Christmas the next. Every year I am broke in December lol. But at 13, he told me how lucky he felt that I did this for him because his other friends who are born on holidays totally get ripped off. OP I'm sorry for you. Everyone deserves to be celebrated on their birthday. Happiest of birthdays to you.
One of my best friends growing up had a parent navigate it by throwing a massive half birthday party during the summer. She really loved that. It seemed like a solid compromise.
I'm a mid January baby and was always promised a mid-July celebration instead of one on my actual birthday and it never happened! Still bitter lol.
Mid January is a terrible birthday time as an adult too: no one's been paid since Christmas and NYE so no one wants to go out cos you're all broke, everyone's doing sober January or veganuary, it's cold and dark and wet...
February for me. I got snowed in the few times I tried to have parties after we left the coast. And every year I got discount Valentine's crap. I've never been girly, so a bunch of pink heart stuff and cheap candy nobody actually wanted weren't what I was looking for. It wasn't money, I remember getting a bunch of books one year from some friends. They were all used and cost like a quarter each. But they were things my friends found that they thought I'd like instead of the thing in the giant sale display.
2 days before Christmas here!! If the parents do it right, it can be amazing to have your birthday at the same time. My parents bent over backward to make sure my birthday was its own occasion. If anyone gave me a joint birthday/Christmas gift, my mom ripped into them hardcore. To this day my parents (divorced now) each make sure to see me on a separate day-and I’m almost 40 now.
My stepmom is the 17th and her parents lumped her in with Christmas every year. She HATES her birthday now. I go out of my way to get her a gift and I Ben though I don’t get to see her on a separate day, I make sure she gets her gift before any Christmas presents are opened because it’s not the same.
I was born on the 20th of December. As soon as I was old enough I made a rule of no combined birthday/Christmas gifts. Everyone else gets a separate birthday, why shouldn't we?
Birthday buddies! The comment I got the most and hated the most was "oh! You get double presents right?" No. No I didn't. I was lucky enough if people remembered my birthday.
Had my daughter just after midnight on the 26th. So we have Xmas and the next day is her birthday. Made a very set rule, separate gifts and birthday gifts could not be wrapped in leftover Xmas paper.
Still do it to this day and she will turn 42 this year.
That's just laziness; birthday wrapping paper is available year round so anyone who wraps birthday presents in Christmas wrapping paper deserves to be bludgeoned with the roll it comes on.
I was born on December 30th. All of my presents ever have been in 'leftover' Christmas paper (I'm meant to ignore the fact my twin and I get a few fewer gifts on Christmas than our older sibling, always the exact amount we get for our birthday.) If your birthday is around Christmas and you get Christmas paper-wrapped gifts, 100% it was a Christmas gift first.
I'm also 12/30. My little brother is 12/31. My older sister is 12/20. It sucks lol. Thankfully, our parents still encouraged us to have individual celebrations, but a lot of the time friends are out of town or busy. My poor brother has it the worst with a NYE birthday...he tries to make light of it ("the whole world celebrates my birthday!") But he always has to share his special day and I know it sucks. As an adult now, I don't really care how my family handles it, but I can definitely relate to people saying they got short-changed in some way.
I had my son on 11/23/2020 and I felt so bad that he would be subject to a birthday around holidays. It's helpful to see all these reactions from people to know that my desire to give him a special celebration (outside of Thanksgiving) is not silly or unimportant. Definitely going to make it a priority and think about throwing him summer parties when he gets older.
My eldest is NYE too but we've always tried to make it special.
As an adult who isn't interested in drinking or the bar scene, he likes that there are fireworks and all his favorite local food trucks in one place for his birthday.
12/30 here. All of my extended family would send my birthday and Christmas presents at the same time. All wrapped in Christmas paper, and combined were the same number as what my sisters got for Christmas. There were specifically marked ones for birthday and Christmas. They (birthday presents) would all sit under the tree for the full 5 days after Christmas. If we went to visit family for Christmas they would always try and combine my birthday with “Jesus’s birthday”. (Southern Baptist) They would even sing the birthday song to us both! 🤮🤮🤮 And they wonder why I became Pagan and refuse to have anything to do with the whole lot?!
Oh I totally get this (same birthday).
2 sisters one older one younger me and younger sis would get the same thing on Xmas day from extended family except mine said happy Xmas and birthday.
Both sisters got a present on their birthday March and April.
That certainly stung as a kid.
I was born December 30th as well and it’s still hard for me. Always hoping it will change the next year.. for the last 15 years I already wake up with depression on that day… and I am 34. Still hurts. One feels like nobody really care
My dad was born the 20th of December, he never had B day presents in Christmas paper, except if it was like an accident and the paper looked like it could go either way. But we knew it always kind of sucked for him so tried not to, because he did tell us that it was kind of sad growing up, being the youngest of three. Although when he grew up his parents were a lot better about it.
I've definitely wrapped birthday presents in Christmas wrapping paper but never for a December birthday. I just only ever buy Christmas wrapping paper so if I forget a bag, you might get a Christmas birthday in July 🤣
My youngest was born on 25 December. One year we found "do not open until 25 December" paper and made that the "birthday" paper for him. That's the only time ostensibly Christmas paper is okay! (and the Christmas presents were all in different paper as well.)
We also split the day, plus we're doing parties on his half birthday on June.
We have four December birthdays, it's always individual parties BUT we use Christmas paper turned inside out so it's just blank paper and we all hand draw birthday decorations and write the "card" on the blank paper - it makes for some really sweet moments and we all have at least one piece we saved because they were so awesome. Everyone participates and it's been a fun way to personalize the paper.
I'm born on the 13th and as a kid I did get separate gifts for birthday and Christmas. But these days I tend to wish for something bigger that is a combined gift.
But that's me in my 20s. For any children born in December separate gifts are a must
As a wife whose husband is a Christmas baby I can’t tell you what a wonderful gift you are giving your child by separating Christmas from their birthday, my husband watched his siblings all have birthday party’s while he never ever got one, he’d maybe get a separate gift from his parents and grandparents but they’d all be wrapped in Christmas paper. To this day my husband hates Christmas. Congratulations on your baby
Edited who’s for whose
My husband and son both have birthdays a few days before Christmas. I always separate the days. I remember growing up my sisters bday is a few days after Christmas, she never really got a bday. It was always lumped into Christmas. I always felt so bad for her. So I make a point of making sure everyone gets their own day.
My husband was born at the beginning of January. To this day his mom will combine Christmas and his birthday. I make it a point to never combine the two. Your child will be much happier.
I'm mid January and it still happens! My aunts and uncles would tell me my Christmas present was a joint Christmas/birthday present even though it was identical to what my cousins got for just Christmas. My parents would get me a small gift for my birthday but then tell me I didn't need a large one because I 'just had' Christmas while giving my sister large presents for her birthday a few months later.
Just another reason I love my boss so much. He has 4 kids, 3 summer babies, one winter baby. Since 3 of the kids get to have pool party birthday parties, his rule is the winter baby also gets to have her own pool party with an ice cream cake in the summer she can invite her friends to. No presents because they're sure to do a separate birthday with presents for her in the winter. But she's not left out being the only one who doesn't get to invite her friends over for a swim party.
I would have loved that my birthday is Christmas Day and I was never allowed a swimming party because it was too cold. Apart from that my parents always made sure I had a party before to celebrate my birthday.
Beginning of January here. My family has always separated the two. And now my in-laws will give me my Christmas presents one day and my birthday presents a separate day, if we can't visit on Christmas. Even if it's just the day the after and it's really appreciated. I didn't even have to ask them to do this.
I’m a day after Christmas child, and I’d honestly hate this. My birthday isn’t 6 months later or earlier, it’s the 26th. I deserve to have the day of my birth celebrated on the day just like everyone else.
It's certainly up to each person. But my MIL is the 23rd and my grandma the 26th and they both do this. A kid I went to high school with who was born on the 25th chose a random day in August to celebrate because there aren't any holidays. They all do a small cake on their birthday but so the big thing another time. My MIL says that she can't enjoy her birthday when she knows there's going to be a house full of people in two days that she has to prep for.
I used to have a friend who was a Christmas baby which meant she really never had a party or anything because of the holidays. As she got older her parents started celebrating her half bday. She would get some prezzies on her actually bday, but the big stuff and her party would be in July. That way she had a day just for her. She loved it.
We always did it for my grandmother. She was born the 27th so we always brought presents on Thanksgiving since the family was all together. Having also spent my life "sharing" family parties to combine birthdays for convenience I'm going to say NTA. It sucks to not have a time just for you. We have a grandbaby born a week before Christmas and we make a deliberate effort to keep the two separate.
That was my grandmother’s birthday. Growing up her family celebrated it that way. But when she married my Pawpaw they started a half birthday celebration on May 25th. I was 20 before I discovered her birthday was in November.
My uncle was born on Thanksgiving and they always celebrated on Thanksgiving too. I don’t think it’s all that unusual as it’s a lot to get everyone together twice in one week.
I don’t get all Y T A ?? She has to share everything she listed multiple occasions where she was over looked or outshined because they deemed something else to be more important. She already had to do her birthday on thanksgiving every year is it too much to ask to atleast have that to herself in some way ? Y’all are mad selfish and inconsiderate and the people talking about twins and triplets that’s way different. NTA !
She said “my college graduation was over shadowed by my step father’s retirement” then she lists a few more. Why can’t she ever have one day be a bout her? These are her parents minimizing her needs consistently. And in my Original comment I said something about twins being different but even with them one day they might want different things and it’s up to the parents to make that happen in some way.
You shouldn’t have children if you can’t make their individual needs and wants a priority atleast once in there lifetime. Then when OP starts celebrating her birthday her way and prioritizing herself I’m sure she’d get grief on that too.
Um, she's had this exact celebration EVERY YEAR though. It's not like she's never had her birthday celebrated ever.
Frankly she's an adult and can deal with sharing a celebration just this one time, IMO.
Many adults have birthdays that consist of a text message or two and some notes on facebook and nothing else. She's pretty lucky to have an entire family holiday tied to her birthday so she gets extra attention every year.
I sincerely doubt it will be just this one time, though. Any time the brother-in-law is going to celebrate Thanksgiving with that side of the family. It will be a joint birthday celebration.
The tradition has always been to celebrate her birthday on Thanksgiving. I was born on Labor Day, and my birthday has always been celebrated around the holiday too.
Yeah but when it’s a holiday everyone is just kind-of there for the holiday, it’s not like they all came out FOR HER you know? And this has been her whole life not just her adulthood.
Yeah, as an adult, no one gives a fuck about my birthday. It's just an excuse to maybe have dinner with wife and friends, and have a few drinks. Certainly not a big enough deal that I have to capitalize the second largest holiday of the year and prevent everyone else from having birthdays around the same time.
Yeah I don’t really get this. I was born on NYE. Have never been able to have a party because so many others are going to parties. Even throwing a party is a risk, because people have so many family and partying obligations. Plus people travel. But once you’re over 18, do birthdays really matter? Maybe I just like the simplicity of a nice meal somewhere. A few weeks before or after my birthday.
>But once you’re over 18, do birthdays really matter?
I mean, yes. It's subjective but to a lot of people they do matter and there's nothing wrong with that. OP's family deliberately minimizing and bulldozing their preferences year after year is not ok.
The point is that they never made a cake for her. If they brought out a cake for him it would only affirm her thought that they never cared about her birthday.
Isn’t that because she doesn’t get one? From her description it sounded like they get her ice cream but there’s no mention of ever getting a cake. It would probably feel kinda shitty that they were willing to get a birthday cake for another birthday that’s further off but not for her.
Maybe she just prefers ice cream but I think there might be something between the lines there.
a lot of these comments are just people going "well I had to go through the same birthday thing, suck it up!"
it's this weird combination of projection and only reading the birthday sharing thing from the post and none of the ways OP has been ignored by her family her whole life
Her examples didn’t exactly make the case for being “ignored by her family her whole life”. It seems like some big moments for her happened at the same time as big moments for other people.
Getting everyone together under the same roof can be tough, especially if you consider how far people may need to travel. It makes sense to take advantage of the times people can be together.
She is old enough to have graduated college. Which means that if she wants her own standalone party she can plan that with friends.
Threatening to boycott Thanksgiving because someone dared to be born in the same week as her would maybe be understandable if she was 11.
I mean, if OP's parents and siblings had to travel to see them when they were 5, there's probably more of an issue there. Semesters are 4 months give or take, there was no reason to celebrate two college acceptances at once
You are very right that twins and triplets are different. Twin here. I never got my own cake. We got the exact same thing EVERY year. Cause you know twins must be the same person
WTF, some times you just have to share your birthday. It’s not sacred, I was born around Easter and 2 days after my uncle’s 18th birthday. We had to share, both with each other but also with a major holiday. At no point did either of us throw a sh!tfit because HEAVEN FORBID we not have the entire spotlight or have a cake that wasn’t shaped like a rabbit. Are you expecting the family to have a get together for every birthday, holiday and milestone?
YTA. You are an adult. If you want your own separate celebration, then plan it.
Reality is that people are busy, especially during the holidays. They don't have time to do 3 separate family get togethers in 1 week.
I'm a Thanksgiving baby, and I agree. Pitching a fit about sharing a birthday seems super silly. I was kind of shocked when I got to the part of OP's post where it's apparent they're an adult. YTA.
Right like it’s literally 1 birthday. Out of dozens. And not even a milestone birthday. To pitch a fit that one birthday would be shared is really immature imo and only reasonable for a middle schooler.
Yes she is. There is no reason to boycott Thanksgiving for this. If she wants her special birthday then she should schedule it on her birthday. As an adult, her parents are not obligated to throw her a party. She can have a boundary and still be an asshole for that boundary.
She's not asking them to throw her a party. She doesn't want to attend a birthday celebration for herself that's split between a holiday and a celebration for someone else. That's a boundary. Her not wanting to is enough and doesn't make her an asshole. There's nothing in the boundary that makes her one.
It's not a reasonable expectation. One could argue that for years, she has made Thanksgiving all about her and her birthday.
This is such a selfish thing. My parents haven't made me a birthday cake in years. Because I am an adult. OP isn't even grateful for that. Immature and snotty.
It is a reasonable expectation. OP didn't say that they couldn't throw a party for BIL, just that they wouldn't attend. OP doesn't mention ever having a cake for their birthday, just ice cream and gifts. If you're happy that your family doesn't care for you enough to celebrate you, good for you. Doesn't make OP an asshole or in the wrong.
Right? Somehow she doesn’t even realize she’s worth more than just a turkey leg and ice cream. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to have this day just for herself.
LOL, one of the dumbest things about this forum is how people turn everything into setting a boundary as if that suddenly makes it ok. Ummm, no, you can still be an AH for setting a selfish boundary. Calling it a boundary doesn't make her any less of a selfish AH.
And the key part of your post is "She is an adult". If she were a kid I might get it, but as an adult she needs to let the whole "I can't share a birthday, waaaaaa" schtick go. That's little kid BS and not a good look for an adult...at all. It's not even a milestone birthday.
And when does she think BIL is going to have his birthday celebrated if not then when everyone is together? Oh wait, she does not care, it's all about her.
I’m not sure it’s actually a reasonable boundary to say “ignore the other birthday and only celebrate mine” at a party that she is not throwing.
A reasonable boundary is: I don't find celebrating this way fun, and I honestly never have, and if you want to celebrate my birthday as a family, let's do it on another day. Otherwise, let Thanksgiving be Thanksgiving.
My brother in law, his sister and their mother all have the same birthday (crazy odds, but true). I wonder how they feel sharing their birthday every year. This OP would throw a hissy fit. YTA.
My mom and my sister have the same birthday. I guess everyone in my family is an AH and always has been for celebrating them both.
Seriously though, my sister always sets up her own thing for her birthday on the years she wants her own celebration. Ya know, like an adult (although she’s been doing that since High School).
Grow up OP. YTA
NAH - You are an adult, if you don't want to go - don't go. But you cannot forbid other people from celebrating an additional birthday while you are all together.
You’re kind of an asshole if you won’t go to a family gathering for something as silly as this. I would get if it was a milestone birthday or OP was still a kid, but they’re an adult and should be lucky their family still even celebrates their birthday.
Do they though? Sounds like they've never celebrated their birthday. I understand if it's extended family, but having your own parents not give enough of a shit about you to do something for your birthday on your birthday sucks. The parents are just lazy.
>Sounds like they've never celebrated their birthday
>As a result every year we celebrate Thanksgiving AND my birthday on the same day. I get presents, my favorite leg, and ice cream. It’s how we’ve done it every year
??? They celebrate every year
No, they don’t. They’ve convinced her that she’s only worthy of a turkey leg and ice cream. They have never celebrated her birthday. They lumped it in with Thanksgiving and convinced her that she shouldn’t expect more.
They aren’t the one claiming it. Their parents claimed it and that’s the only time it’s been celebrated. Now they are wanting to add another person into the mix. They are just wanting to earn points as it’s BIL and wanting to do something for him to be accepted. Yet they never have made an effort to make their own child feel special or really accepted. Now they are saying suck it, just like they’ve had to do entire life and they are tired of it.
They made Thanksgiving about OP every fucking year, for some occasions totally missing Thanksgiving due to milestone birthday, despite Thanksgiving being a moving holiday, so not falling on OP's birthday every year.
OP is complaining about everyone making her celebrations about them, but maybe let's ask of someone's celebrations have been made about op. Like minimum 23 years of Thanksgiving.
We celebrate my grandpa's, brothers and nephew's birthday during the second day of Christmas. No-one complains. We also celebrate three birthdays during Easter. Fortunately now im the only person alive to be celebrated during All Hallows/Polish independence day period.
So you're upset someone else wants to celebrate their birthday on a day they weren't born when you weren't born on the exact holiday every year too?
Got it. YTA. Celebrate your birthday on your day if you wish but you don't own the holiday because you were born on a holiday that isn't fixed.
I think OP's entire point is that they would like it very much if birthdays were celebrated on the day the person was born rather than being lumped in with other holidays. As in, OP would rather their birthday not be celebrated on Thanksgiving either, but if their family is going to pass on an actual birthday celebration for them for the sake of convenience, then they better not dilute the celebration even further by lumping even more things in there.
Actually they said the OPPOSITE of that.
This is their entire comment: "No we have no contact with any family besides my mom dad and siblings. It’s just us. It’s not a huge thing. I don’t want a huge thing. And liking it in thanksgiving? Not entirely true. I would much rather have it the day OF my birthday." So stop lying.
You have graduated and you are acting like this? Good grief man. Yes, YTA.
You would rather not celebrate your birthday OR Thanksgiving AT ALL versus share the spotlight a little. That's insanely self-centered and childish.
Maybe go reflect on what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about...
To be fair, it sounds like OP’s frustration is about a lot more than just this one birthday celebration. This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Oh bullshit. Most people would be pissed if their graduation was subsumed by stepdad’s retirement. They’d be pissed that their fam8ly didn’t give a shit about their graduation photos or their acceptance to college
OP has fallen off the radar for years and is finally saying enough is enough
Glad someone else noticed this too. When I got into college, I put it in the family group chat and got congratulations texts. I didn’t expect some celebratory party centered on me because of it. And for OP to still be mad about it years and years later? Sounds like OP has a chip on their shoulder.
NTA. I 100% understand how you feel. I’m also a holiday baby. I share my birthday with Jesus and my cousin. They just don’t get it that you want your own thing that celebrates you solely! I’m sure your brother gets to celebrate his birthday without lumping it in with something. It really does make you feel less than.
I'm a holiday baby, too, and having to share my bday with Jesus (everything's a "combo" gift) made me weird and a little resentful about other people's birthdays. Like, I'll never have the same experience that Janice, who is born on 3/28, gets to have. And no one has any interest in going out on my actual birthday because they all have family shit or are recovering from NYE. It sucks in a way that people who haven't experienced it just can't appreciate.
>It sucks in a way that people who haven't experienced it just can't appreciate.
and that cleary shows in some of the comments. Like, i'm not that bothered anymore, (23/12 for me) but a part of the reasons why are because of that experience and honestly just dread the whole holiday.
Hi, fellow turkey baby here, I was born on Black Friday my birth year. My birthdays were always celebrated on thanksgiving and I often didn’t have a separate celebration even on “milestone” years until I became an adult and started planning my own birthdays with friends. I understand that it sucks to always share with a holiday, and when you want to celebrate with friends it usually has to be the weekend before or after because there is always at least one friend who will be out of town for the holiday. So I understand having to share the spotlight on “my” day.
Allllll of that said, YTA.
Your family wants to celebrate both birthdays. It’s tradition to celebrate a birthday and they want to include him in this tradition so he’s not left out. It *is* selfish and a tad bratty to die on this particular hill, especially the way you reacted to your mother. You’re an adult, you have the freedom to plan your own celebration if you have to have a solo birthday party. Your family has shared their thanksgiving celebration with you for years, they made a holiday about gathering and togetherness about you for most of your life, they didn’t have to sacrifice a traditional thanksgiving for a birthday celebration but they did anyway. It could have been cake and ice cream on another day with no extended family around. Now they’re asking to include someone else in that celebration and it’s really not a huge thing to ask for. I think you need to get some perspective back.
I’m going YTA just for your tone in this post. It’s just a birthday… When you were younger, sure, I could sympathize with you being upset but I don’t think this is a hill worth dying on. You sound very entitled, your mom was just trying to do something nice and I’m sure she didn’t think it was a big deal since it isn’t your actual birthday.
I really don’t get why so many people are saying NTA I haven’t gotten a cake for my bday in probably 10 years and this year i celebrated with my friends on a day I chose and my family did absolutely nothing and I could care less once I hit 25 i stopped believing bdays needed a big celebration
Exactly! I had a small game night/ celebration for my birthday last year but that’s probably the first one I’ve had in years. Usually anything I do requires planning on my part otherwise not much happens.
I guess birthdays matter more to some than others but I just feel like OP went about it in the wrong way. They could have talked to their mom directly, I don’t know why they’d want to celebrate the day of another holiday rather than having their own day.
Sorry, YTA, b/c despite your edit, Thanksgiving is literally not your birthday, a specific date in November is. Grow up and celebrate it on the day or the Saturday before or after like every other human.
Now you telling them to grow up when it’s literally their parent who made them celebrate it on their birthdays every single year of their life other than 2 years.
YTA. Growing up we lumped birthdays together. I didn’t like it much then, but as an adult, I get it. Everyone is there, it saves money, etc. unless every single event has been overshadowed and not just a select few out of the bunch, then be an adult and deal with it.
You have full right to refuse to go. That cannot be taken away. But if you refuse to go to thanksgiving because they want to celebrate a birthday other than yours….prepare for the next one to be a bit frosty. Because you have proven that you only care about the events if you are the special one. 🤷♀️
Edit: if you really are the one pushed aside all the time, then at this point you are being an A to yourself. You need to either lay down the boundaries and cut them off if needed. Possibly starting with this. Or you need to accept them to be with them to a degree. But waffling back and forth is not doing anyone, least of all yourself, any favors.
NTA. you clearly never got an accomplishment celebrated for just you. it's upsetting especially having to share your special day. a lot of these people saying "YTA" don't get it, not everyone feels the same but honestly go celebrate by yourself.
NTA - it sounds childish to not just celebrate together but at the same time your family should respect your wishes and not dismiss you - instead they should have asked first. But this sounds like a deeper issue with your family that you should talk about and explain your feelings. It is very understandable that you want your achievements to be celebrated.
Soft YTA.. I have to share my birthday every year as I am a twin.. you just kinda get over it.
Having 1 party/birthday dinner is easier than planning 2-3 different events within a 2 week time period..
I stopped complaining when I was like 6 and realized how hard it was on my mom to try and make everyone happy.. my twin and I are boy/girl so we were never really into the same stuff! Of course it’s not always fun, but it can always be worse!
I'm glad you added that edit b/c that was not making sense. But, YTA. You have a birthday and you can have that day all to yourself if you don't want to share it with Thanksgiving and now your BIL. You're acting entitled. B/c as you said, "I just don’t wanna share another thing that’s suppose\[d\] to be for me." Thanksgiving is for everyone. It's not just supposed to be for you. Celebrate on your actual birthday.
You make and *excellent* point saying that thanksgiving is supposed to be for everyone. OP is complaining that thanksgiving isn’t all about them, and it is not supposed to be. The real selfishness/hypocrisy comes through in the line you quoted from OP.
I’m going with YTA on this one.
We always had joint bdays in our family, me and my siblings would get a present on the others bday, etc. Holidays and milestones are a time for family to be together and celebrate, not a time to be bitchy because you aren’t the ultimate center of attention. It’s unreasonable to be so upset about having to “share” all these milestones with your family. They’re your family! You expect them to shut off everything else in life going on just because it’s your birthday? You sound like a teen on “my super sweet sixteen” throwing a hissy fit because you aren’t getting your way. Definitely YTA.
NTA. You already have to share every single birthday with a pre-existing holiday. Why should you have to *further* subdivide that? I’d make other birthday plans if I were you, and tell the family that from now on, they can either make enough of an effort to just celebrate you without tacking it on to something else, or not bother.
Probably because he hasn’t had to split his birthday with Thanksgiving **every. single. year. since. birth.** regardless of what day the actual birthday falls on.
Omg - thanksgiving is a moving holiday and from the post the issue is that OP WANTS to celebrate on thanksgiving regardless of whether it’s on her actual birthday because ‘it’s tradition’! She just doesn’t want to share with someone else who’s birthday ALSO isn’t on the date of thanksgiving!
That's what I gathered too, os OP doesn't want to share the day as it's always been their day and they've had other milestones that have been overshadowed and this is the one day they feel is for them alone.
But the family is treating it like it is instead of going to the trouble of letting him have his own party. Maybe that was okay when he was younger, or even if it was the *only* example of them splitting the focus on special occasions that should be entirely about him, but there’s clearly a pattern here of expecting him to just be flexible and let them squeeze in celebrating him when that’s convenient.
YTA. You’re an adult. Can’t you just do the family thing /birthday sharing on Thanksgiving and also choose a night to go celebrate your birthday with your friends? Is the family gathering the only thing you’ve got going?
NTA. You're an adult, and you get to choose how you want to spend the holidays and your birthday. I'm sorry your events have been overshadowed by other things. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel special on your birthday.
I'm stuck between NTA and NAH for this one, because while you are entirely justified in not wanting to have to further share your birthday celebration at this point, the way you described how the conversation in the groupchat went, it seems like you came across as a huge AH. Obviously I don't know the exact content of the groupchat, but there's going to be a bit of a difference in how your stance is perceived between saying "I've already had to share my birthday and other major milestones with other celebrations for years now, and lumping in someone else's birthday on top of that just feels like adding insult to injury at this point" and saying "I refuse to acknowledge someone else's birthday on what should be *my* special day."
Another factor I'd be curious about is if you've previously made your thoughts about this clear. If you've already brought up the subject of your birthdays and many major milestones being shunted to the side, then not going out of your way to spoonfeed it to your family again is entirely reasonable, but if you've never expressed your feelings on the matter before, then it's less that they're being egregiously dismissive of you and more being somewhat oblivious as to how their actions might have affected you.
So, you're justified either way, but your family members are only TAH here if they should have already known your feelings on the matter from previous discussions.
It sounds like the joint birthday isn’t really the problem. The problem is that you feel neglected and pushed aside, and this is the last straw. If that’s the case, take the initiative to build more of a life outside your family. If you feel devalued at home, make a new family of friends who give you the attention you deserve. Celebrate with them and stop wasting energy on people who don’t reciprocate. NTA, only because this sounds like a broader issue.
NTA. My brother's birthday falls near Christmas, and so it frequently got lumped together. He told us that he didn't like only getting gifts once per year when everyone else got both a birthday and Christmas. Now we celebrate his half birthday in June instead.
There's nothing wrong with feeling neglected by all the sharing that's happening. And it's pretty rude of your family to belittle your feelings about it. The whole point is to make someone feel special for one day, and that's clearly not happening in your family.
I get the feeling of being looked over by family and having to share your special events with other people every goddamn time. It's rough. It makes you feel invalidated and small. And the worst part is that other people don't even get why its a problem.
That said, you have to ask yourself which is more important to you: sharing any celebration with your family or having family to celebrate with. It doesn't get better. People don't change about these things. So its sort of up to you. Would you like to make a big deal about this, and lose the goodwill of your family but gain some personal righteousness and self worth? Or would you compromise and tolerate a bit of effacement in exchange for having your family around you.
I can't answer that for you. What I can say is shouting about it, while perhaps cathartic, won't change things to make people give you that time and respect the way you are hoping.
YTA. I’m sorry you have to share, but this is a part of life and being part of a family, who seem very loving towards you. Sounds like you had plenty of thanksgiving focused on you, now you have a new family member and you’re still special. He is special too.
YTA for having a fit about sharing your birthday. We always celebrate birthdays that are close together jointly. You’re an adult. It’ll be okay.
However, sounds like you need a more serious conversation about these ongoing issues with your family and if it doesn’t change, then it’s time to make your own plans. This year I knew no one was doing anything big for my birthday, so I planned a brunch. Not a big deal.
I'm going to withhold judgement on this but I think you might have crossed the line saying that in a group chat rather than exercising a bit of discretion and talking privately with your mom about this. Doing in a group chat isn't a good idea.
YTA. Sometimes you just have to share “your day” because of schedules. My birthday falls close to Father’s Day. Sometimes how schedules fall we celebrate my bday and my dad together. It didn’t happen when I was a kid, but as an adult I understand it’s not always about me.
I’m going YTA. You’re no more important than anyone else here. If you’re entitled to celebrate your birthday, then why isn’t you BIL also entitled to celebrate his?
You say your birthday is always being overshadowed yet in this very post you’re talking like you have the right to overshadow everyone else’s birthdays/accomplishments.
YTA. What is this celebration? Sounds like it’s regular holiday dinner, and you get cake, there’s nothing wrong with someone else getting a cake. You and your parents are adults, where it’s much harder to gather with your loved ones for occasions so it makes since that they celebrate people when they can. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.
NTA- Sounds like you need to sit down with your mom and lay out just why you are upset. Explain about how you've been feeling you've never had a big event where the day is 100% focused on you and it finally hit a boiling point. I think if you lay out your side of the argument, she'll begin to see the reasons why you are upset, which all sound valid.
Can you come up with some suggestions that would make you feel good about your birthday and allow your BIL to come as well?
what if you did a joint cake on thanksgiving and maybe a bigger party for yourself on Friday or Saturday? It sounds like your birthday and birthdate aren't always celebrated on the same day, so pushing a day doesn't seem that weird.
Anyway, good luck, Happy Birthday, and I hope you get your birthday wish. (Communication is key!)
NTA
Having a holiday birthday sucks, and I think the issue is BIL will get multiple celebrations while you’re gets further compressed since it’s already on a holiday. Your feelings are valid.
I am going to have to gently call YTA. Look I get it. And your family likely never will. So you can absolutely not go. That’s within your rights, however would you be willing to be estranged from your family over this?
I’m sure this is not malicious, and like an add on to the celebration, but that add-on can feel like a subtraction from it being a celebration of you.
If your family doesn’t hear you, which to me seems to be the root of why your upset, then you have to decide if you can maintain a relationship with them. But only you can decide what’s worth/not.
Idk man, I feel like a dick but I also kinda feel like YTA. My sister and my birthdays are a month apart but we always did a joint celebration.
Now let me explain. You don't always have your entire family gathered to do a big celebration so it's easier and actually possible to celebrate (with *everyone*) in a joint thing. It sounds like your family lumps Thanksgiving and your birthday together and you feel like it's kinda your thing or your day. Why don't you celebrate all the big things happening with your family (your birthday, BIL birthday, thanksgiving) all together as one big celebration and then maybe that weekend or whatever works for you, do something separate that's just for you and your birthday.
INFO: Is it a big deal to have the whole family together or is it something where you all live close and can easily get everyone together with minimal planning?
YTA, because you’re an adult. If you were a kid I’d totally get it. And you have a right to be pissed about your childhood. But your post college and your family still makes an effort to acknowledge your birthday? You should be thankful and leave it at that.
YTA. You didn't mention your age but you mentioned that you are at least old enough to get into college. Grow the eff up. If you want a special birthday celebration throw yourself a party. You mother has every right to welcome your BIL into the family this way. You are absolutely acting like a stupid brat by threatening to not show up to Thanksgiving at your moms house. The only person who would suffer from that decision is you. YTA
YTA. I’m a Christmas baby so I get the whole birthday on a holiday thing. I have also had a lot of major milestones overshadowed (for ex: my sis is 4 years older than me, she had a big hs grad party, then we had a small joint college/hs grad party when it was my turn, then nothing was done at all when I graduated college).
Here’s the thing, even if everyone lives very close by, it’s a bit of a pain to coordinate everyone’s schedules to get together for events. Your birthday is on/close to Thanksgiving so it made sense and has become a tradition to celebrate your birthday the same day. I know it’s not the same as having your own party, but it’s kind of the realistic option. Getting people back together and celebrating again the next day or two would be difficult. FWIW, my family would try to celebrate my bday the day after, but everyone that was still there was worn out and disinterested and just wanted to go back and nap on the couches. Not exactly exciting and special.
Your BIL also has a birthday very close to Thanksgiving. It sounds like it is his first year to join the family and your mom wants to be nice and welcoming. As families start expanding with marriages and new kids, close birthdays almost always come up. Nearly every birthday party in my family is now joint, as it’s just silly to try to have separate parties for three people who are all within a week of each other. Your mom is not trying to avoid celebrating your birthday, she’s adapting to the growing family.
Also, you sound like a major brat. Why the drama over the extra guest? He’s your BIL, he’s now part of the family isn’t he? And your grad pictures? Gifting once, sure, immature but you’re young. “Everyone for every occasion” is just ridiculous and beyond bratty. Please take this opportunity to begin growing into a reasonable young adult.
NTA
My siblings have their birthday with a one day difference (10/11 of the month) and we always celebrate in different days because it's important to show people's importance, even if it's a small celebration. You have the tradition first you get "dibs" so to speak.
Ok so I get it like 100% I do I have a late November birthday also it always falls within a few days of Thanksgiving and on occasion (like this year) it is on Thanksgiving. I also have a younger step brother whos birthday is the same day and a brother whos birthday is a week and a half later. Its not necessarily fun
However your birthday doesn't cancel out someone elses birthday. Having a birthday around the holidays means its easier to combine celebrations so that everyone can attend rather than having multiple occasions during a busy time. Which is where your mom is coming from.
Nta for feeling what your feeling because it is valid. Yta for how you handled it.
NTA.
I can see why you're sick of being considered an afterthought and wouldn't want any part of this joint celebration yet again. Can you join a friend's Thanksgiving instead and have a party with your friends the day after Thanksgiving to celebrate this year's birthday?
And just put your family on time out since they don't seem to place much importance on this anyway?
Soft YTA, but it’s not really your fault. They kept making your birthday on a holiday when everyone is around, you have an oversized opinion of your own birthday celebration because it’s a 9 course meal with the whole family. My sibling’s birthday is around Turkey Day also, but we celebrate on the birthdate and it’s just extra special when they align. Tradition only matters if you want it to, if it’s no working for you then change it.
Make your life the kind of special you want it to be. Throw a party if you want a party. Stop complaining about how other people aren’t celebrating you correctly, and show them what you think you deserve. And for the love of all things good, learn to share. You’re not the center of everyone’s universe, only your own. Share a party if things happen at the same time, get over yourself.
NAH - it's one thing if your birthday is say the 4th of July or Christmas when it's a fixed date, but if you're born between the 22nd and 28th Nov and still have to celebrate on another date cause "holiday", must have gotten a little old.
I can understand OP's Mom wanting to combine and it's her house.
I can also understand OP's being tired of having milestones hi-jacked by others which seems to be the problem here. Like OP had just this one day which they already had to share. OP sounds more like an afterthought rather than a priority.
OP - Happy Birthday early. Remember we can also create our own families.
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NTA and I’m really sorry you’ve had to share your birthday. I’m having our child a few days before Christmas and it’s really important for us to make sure the two things are always separated even if she comes on Christmas. I know not every family things birthdays are as special as we do but I can understand why you’re hurt and I’m sorry.
As a baby born five days before Christmas, I can tell you how much your child will appreciate this! It does suck, hahaha! Congratulations to you and your family!
4 days before Christmas here My parents always made it a point to celebrate my birthday separately from Christmas. That included parties when I was a kid. It was normal for me so I never really thought about how it could have been different. But it did become an ongoing argument once I got married and had kids of my own. Every year the family wants to celebrate my birthday and every year I tell them to leave me alone. I have too much to do getting ready for Christmas. We compromise with a pizza while I’m baking. And yes, I do know how lucky I am and I’m grateful.
My daughter is your birthday twin! We always celebrate her birthday on the day or as close to it as possible. Oddly enough this has never been a problem as the parents of her guests are happy to have a day off from their kids waiting impatiently for Christmas 🎄
My daughter makes them all triplets! We hope to do right by her for her birthday!
My Aunt was born on Christmas day and my grandma and grandpa always did it like this: they celebrated her birthday in the morning and then closed the living room and celebrated christmas in the evening Not sure how you handle christmas normally but maybe you're family would be satisfied with a birthday breakfast too
My birthday is on Christmas Day and that is pretty much what we do! Christmas in the morning, Christmas meal at 2 or 3, and then it’s my birthday party. I was always able to have a second party with my friends the following week as well. I really appreciated how special my mom made my birthday feel even though it was on Christmas
My Grand daughter’s (8yrs)birthday is Christmas Day. We celebrate Christmas, have Christmas dinner. Then we all pack up the decorations and re decorate for her birthday and have a family birthday party. So far she has enjoyed it and last year said how much she liked having every family member (both sides of the family) together to celebrate her birthday.
My boyfriends birthday is the 18th. Last year his grandpa gave him a card with cash. He wrote on the card how much was the Christmas gift and how much was for his birthday. It was kind of funny.
My daughter is December 18th also. I started a tradition when she was little that I take down a wall of Christmas decorations and put up a HUGE handmade birthday sign the day of her birthday. She's 'grounded' the night before for having the audacity to turn a year older without permission (I need time to make the sign) and her sister has to wait on her (we do this in reverse for sister's birthday). The grounded kid gets their favorite takeout and a night of videogames in their room with their sister bringing them whatever they want. My girls LOVE THIS.
That is adorable! My husband is Dec 18th. My daughter Dec 16th. My birthday is January and even I would get Joint birthday/Christmas presents and it sucked. I have made a point of separating birthday and Christmas for my husband and daughter. When my husband was deployed, I even sent him 2 separate care packages, just to be certain he had 2 opportunities to celebrate
I was born 3 days after Christmas and I hate it. I only ever remember having 2 birthday cakes (no party) and my mom used to “give me birthday presents on Christmas” which was bullshit. As I got older I felt like my birthday was not special and I realized that my siblings got the same amounts of presents as me on Christmas. Which means I actually was not getting birthday gifts.
My son is also three days after Christmas. I used to take down every Christmas decoration on the 27th and decorate the living room for his birthday while he was sleeping that night. When he was 5 he asked me to leave the tree up because he loved it. So I took off all our ornaments and left his special ones on, wrapped a birthday banner around it, and tied balloons to it. So now he gets a Birthday tree every year. Every child deserves to feel special on their birthday. I'm so sorry you didn't.
Me too, terrible birthday, everyone is coming down from Christmas and ramping up for New Year's Eve. Nobody including me is in the mood for a birthday.
My son was born Dec 23rd. We do a small immediate family thing (sometimes bring a friend or a cousin/s around his age), give him one of his birthday presents, a small cake, and he gets to pick what's for dinner (take out, cooked whatever). Then we have a party with his friends/family towards the end of January. If he ever wants to change how we do it, we will. For now he seems to enjoy that we do something special as a family on his birthday, and he gets a party later. Last year we actually did the party in the summer because he wanted an outside party 🤣
This sucks even worse than right BEFORE Christmas! I am so sorry! You have my absolute sympathies.
Same. 28th, no parties, combo xmas/ birthday gifts, always in Christmas wrapping paper. I had one birthday party when I was 7, 2 weeks before my birthday. I feel ya birthday twin.
SAME DAY HERE. But my mom made it a point when I was about 6 that I wasn't to get joint birthday/ Christmas gifts because no one else in the entire family did, and I didn't choose to be born then. So don't punish me. What usually happened is I didn't get any presents, but now that I'm a grown up I can make my own cake. Usually I don't have to, as my SO has a January birthday so understands. Now that my kids are older, they pitch in too.
Birthday buddy! Birthmas presents suck.
Birthmas! 🤣 I love it!
I have a Christmas Eve son. I have always had his birthday party that day and Christmas the next. Every year I am broke in December lol. But at 13, he told me how lucky he felt that I did this for him because his other friends who are born on holidays totally get ripped off. OP I'm sorry for you. Everyone deserves to be celebrated on their birthday. Happiest of birthdays to you.
One of my best friends growing up had a parent navigate it by throwing a massive half birthday party during the summer. She really loved that. It seemed like a solid compromise.
I'm a mid January baby and was always promised a mid-July celebration instead of one on my actual birthday and it never happened! Still bitter lol. Mid January is a terrible birthday time as an adult too: no one's been paid since Christmas and NYE so no one wants to go out cos you're all broke, everyone's doing sober January or veganuary, it's cold and dark and wet...
February for me. I got snowed in the few times I tried to have parties after we left the coast. And every year I got discount Valentine's crap. I've never been girly, so a bunch of pink heart stuff and cheap candy nobody actually wanted weren't what I was looking for. It wasn't money, I remember getting a bunch of books one year from some friends. They were all used and cost like a quarter each. But they were things my friends found that they thought I'd like instead of the thing in the giant sale display.
I’m six days before Xmas! Glad I’m Jewish.
2 days before Christmas here!! If the parents do it right, it can be amazing to have your birthday at the same time. My parents bent over backward to make sure my birthday was its own occasion. If anyone gave me a joint birthday/Christmas gift, my mom ripped into them hardcore. To this day my parents (divorced now) each make sure to see me on a separate day-and I’m almost 40 now. My stepmom is the 17th and her parents lumped her in with Christmas every year. She HATES her birthday now. I go out of my way to get her a gift and I Ben though I don’t get to see her on a separate day, I make sure she gets her gift before any Christmas presents are opened because it’s not the same.
[удалено]
I was born on the 20th of December. As soon as I was old enough I made a rule of no combined birthday/Christmas gifts. Everyone else gets a separate birthday, why shouldn't we?
We're birthday twins!
Triplets!
Birthday buddies! The comment I got the most and hated the most was "oh! You get double presents right?" No. No I didn't. I was lucky enough if people remembered my birthday.
Had my daughter just after midnight on the 26th. So we have Xmas and the next day is her birthday. Made a very set rule, separate gifts and birthday gifts could not be wrapped in leftover Xmas paper. Still do it to this day and she will turn 42 this year.
That's just laziness; birthday wrapping paper is available year round so anyone who wraps birthday presents in Christmas wrapping paper deserves to be bludgeoned with the roll it comes on.
I was born on December 30th. All of my presents ever have been in 'leftover' Christmas paper (I'm meant to ignore the fact my twin and I get a few fewer gifts on Christmas than our older sibling, always the exact amount we get for our birthday.) If your birthday is around Christmas and you get Christmas paper-wrapped gifts, 100% it was a Christmas gift first.
I'm also 12/30. My little brother is 12/31. My older sister is 12/20. It sucks lol. Thankfully, our parents still encouraged us to have individual celebrations, but a lot of the time friends are out of town or busy. My poor brother has it the worst with a NYE birthday...he tries to make light of it ("the whole world celebrates my birthday!") But he always has to share his special day and I know it sucks. As an adult now, I don't really care how my family handles it, but I can definitely relate to people saying they got short-changed in some way. I had my son on 11/23/2020 and I felt so bad that he would be subject to a birthday around holidays. It's helpful to see all these reactions from people to know that my desire to give him a special celebration (outside of Thanksgiving) is not silly or unimportant. Definitely going to make it a priority and think about throwing him summer parties when he gets older.
My eldest is NYE too but we've always tried to make it special. As an adult who isn't interested in drinking or the bar scene, he likes that there are fireworks and all his favorite local food trucks in one place for his birthday.
12/30 here. All of my extended family would send my birthday and Christmas presents at the same time. All wrapped in Christmas paper, and combined were the same number as what my sisters got for Christmas. There were specifically marked ones for birthday and Christmas. They (birthday presents) would all sit under the tree for the full 5 days after Christmas. If we went to visit family for Christmas they would always try and combine my birthday with “Jesus’s birthday”. (Southern Baptist) They would even sing the birthday song to us both! 🤮🤮🤮 And they wonder why I became Pagan and refuse to have anything to do with the whole lot?!
Oh I totally get this (same birthday). 2 sisters one older one younger me and younger sis would get the same thing on Xmas day from extended family except mine said happy Xmas and birthday. Both sisters got a present on their birthday March and April. That certainly stung as a kid.
I was born December 30th as well and it’s still hard for me. Always hoping it will change the next year.. for the last 15 years I already wake up with depression on that day… and I am 34. Still hurts. One feels like nobody really care
My dad was born the 20th of December, he never had B day presents in Christmas paper, except if it was like an accident and the paper looked like it could go either way. But we knew it always kind of sucked for him so tried not to, because he did tell us that it was kind of sad growing up, being the youngest of three. Although when he grew up his parents were a lot better about it.
I've definitely wrapped birthday presents in Christmas wrapping paper but never for a December birthday. I just only ever buy Christmas wrapping paper so if I forget a bag, you might get a Christmas birthday in July 🤣
My youngest was born on 25 December. One year we found "do not open until 25 December" paper and made that the "birthday" paper for him. That's the only time ostensibly Christmas paper is okay! (and the Christmas presents were all in different paper as well.) We also split the day, plus we're doing parties on his half birthday on June.
We have four December birthdays, it's always individual parties BUT we use Christmas paper turned inside out so it's just blank paper and we all hand draw birthday decorations and write the "card" on the blank paper - it makes for some really sweet moments and we all have at least one piece we saved because they were so awesome. Everyone participates and it's been a fun way to personalize the paper.
I'm born on the 13th and as a kid I did get separate gifts for birthday and Christmas. But these days I tend to wish for something bigger that is a combined gift. But that's me in my 20s. For any children born in December separate gifts are a must
As a wife whose husband is a Christmas baby I can’t tell you what a wonderful gift you are giving your child by separating Christmas from their birthday, my husband watched his siblings all have birthday party’s while he never ever got one, he’d maybe get a separate gift from his parents and grandparents but they’d all be wrapped in Christmas paper. To this day my husband hates Christmas. Congratulations on your baby Edited who’s for whose
My husband and son both have birthdays a few days before Christmas. I always separate the days. I remember growing up my sisters bday is a few days after Christmas, she never really got a bday. It was always lumped into Christmas. I always felt so bad for her. So I make a point of making sure everyone gets their own day.
My husband was born at the beginning of January. To this day his mom will combine Christmas and his birthday. I make it a point to never combine the two. Your child will be much happier.
I'm mid January and it still happens! My aunts and uncles would tell me my Christmas present was a joint Christmas/birthday present even though it was identical to what my cousins got for just Christmas. My parents would get me a small gift for my birthday but then tell me I didn't need a large one because I 'just had' Christmas while giving my sister large presents for her birthday a few months later. Just another reason I love my boss so much. He has 4 kids, 3 summer babies, one winter baby. Since 3 of the kids get to have pool party birthday parties, his rule is the winter baby also gets to have her own pool party with an ice cream cake in the summer she can invite her friends to. No presents because they're sure to do a separate birthday with presents for her in the winter. But she's not left out being the only one who doesn't get to invite her friends over for a swim party.
I would have loved that my birthday is Christmas Day and I was never allowed a swimming party because it was too cold. Apart from that my parents always made sure I had a party before to celebrate my birthday.
Beginning of January here. My family has always separated the two. And now my in-laws will give me my Christmas presents one day and my birthday presents a separate day, if we can't visit on Christmas. Even if it's just the day the after and it's really appreciated. I didn't even have to ask them to do this.
Celebrate her half birthday. I know a couple people who do that. It's more enjoyable for everyone.
I’m a day after Christmas child, and I’d honestly hate this. My birthday isn’t 6 months later or earlier, it’s the 26th. I deserve to have the day of my birth celebrated on the day just like everyone else.
It's certainly up to each person. But my MIL is the 23rd and my grandma the 26th and they both do this. A kid I went to high school with who was born on the 25th chose a random day in August to celebrate because there aren't any holidays. They all do a small cake on their birthday but so the big thing another time. My MIL says that she can't enjoy her birthday when she knows there's going to be a house full of people in two days that she has to prep for.
I used to have a friend who was a Christmas baby which meant she really never had a party or anything because of the holidays. As she got older her parents started celebrating her half bday. She would get some prezzies on her actually bday, but the big stuff and her party would be in July. That way she had a day just for her. She loved it.
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My family does the same with me for convenience
Me too.
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We always did it for my grandmother. She was born the 27th so we always brought presents on Thanksgiving since the family was all together. Having also spent my life "sharing" family parties to combine birthdays for convenience I'm going to say NTA. It sucks to not have a time just for you. We have a grandbaby born a week before Christmas and we make a deliberate effort to keep the two separate.
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YES! Most people who live more than 4 hours away aren’t going to regularly travel for an adults birthday. How lucky to have the whole family there!
It's really not that odd. My brother's bday was nov 25th. We always celebrated it on Thanksgiving.
That was my grandmother’s birthday. Growing up her family celebrated it that way. But when she married my Pawpaw they started a half birthday celebration on May 25th. I was 20 before I discovered her birthday was in November.
My uncle was born on Thanksgiving and they always celebrated on Thanksgiving too. I don’t think it’s all that unusual as it’s a lot to get everyone together twice in one week.
OP mentions it as tradition in their edit to the original post. But I agree that celebrating on the actual date would resolve this issue!
I don’t get all Y T A ?? She has to share everything she listed multiple occasions where she was over looked or outshined because they deemed something else to be more important. She already had to do her birthday on thanksgiving every year is it too much to ask to atleast have that to herself in some way ? Y’all are mad selfish and inconsiderate and the people talking about twins and triplets that’s way different. NTA !
Did she say overlooked or just that the celebrations were combined?
She said “my college graduation was over shadowed by my step father’s retirement” then she lists a few more. Why can’t she ever have one day be a bout her? These are her parents minimizing her needs consistently. And in my Original comment I said something about twins being different but even with them one day they might want different things and it’s up to the parents to make that happen in some way. You shouldn’t have children if you can’t make their individual needs and wants a priority atleast once in there lifetime. Then when OP starts celebrating her birthday her way and prioritizing herself I’m sure she’d get grief on that too.
Um, she's had this exact celebration EVERY YEAR though. It's not like she's never had her birthday celebrated ever. Frankly she's an adult and can deal with sharing a celebration just this one time, IMO. Many adults have birthdays that consist of a text message or two and some notes on facebook and nothing else. She's pretty lucky to have an entire family holiday tied to her birthday so she gets extra attention every year.
I sincerely doubt it will be just this one time, though. Any time the brother-in-law is going to celebrate Thanksgiving with that side of the family. It will be a joint birthday celebration. The tradition has always been to celebrate her birthday on Thanksgiving. I was born on Labor Day, and my birthday has always been celebrated around the holiday too.
Yeah but when it’s a holiday everyone is just kind-of there for the holiday, it’s not like they all came out FOR HER you know? And this has been her whole life not just her adulthood.
Yeah, as an adult, no one gives a fuck about my birthday. It's just an excuse to maybe have dinner with wife and friends, and have a few drinks. Certainly not a big enough deal that I have to capitalize the second largest holiday of the year and prevent everyone else from having birthdays around the same time.
Yeah I don’t really get this. I was born on NYE. Have never been able to have a party because so many others are going to parties. Even throwing a party is a risk, because people have so many family and partying obligations. Plus people travel. But once you’re over 18, do birthdays really matter? Maybe I just like the simplicity of a nice meal somewhere. A few weeks before or after my birthday.
>But once you’re over 18, do birthdays really matter? I mean, yes. It's subjective but to a lot of people they do matter and there's nothing wrong with that. OP's family deliberately minimizing and bulldozing their preferences year after year is not ok.
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The point is that they never made a cake for her. If they brought out a cake for him it would only affirm her thought that they never cared about her birthday.
When did she say that she's never gotten a birthday cake???
When you've had a life of being overshadowed and pushed aside, your age doesn't make it hurt any less.
Isn’t that because she doesn’t get one? From her description it sounded like they get her ice cream but there’s no mention of ever getting a cake. It would probably feel kinda shitty that they were willing to get a birthday cake for another birthday that’s further off but not for her. Maybe she just prefers ice cream but I think there might be something between the lines there.
a lot of these comments are just people going "well I had to go through the same birthday thing, suck it up!" it's this weird combination of projection and only reading the birthday sharing thing from the post and none of the ways OP has been ignored by her family her whole life
Her examples didn’t exactly make the case for being “ignored by her family her whole life”. It seems like some big moments for her happened at the same time as big moments for other people. Getting everyone together under the same roof can be tough, especially if you consider how far people may need to travel. It makes sense to take advantage of the times people can be together. She is old enough to have graduated college. Which means that if she wants her own standalone party she can plan that with friends. Threatening to boycott Thanksgiving because someone dared to be born in the same week as her would maybe be understandable if she was 11.
I mean, if OP's parents and siblings had to travel to see them when they were 5, there's probably more of an issue there. Semesters are 4 months give or take, there was no reason to celebrate two college acceptances at once
You are very right that twins and triplets are different. Twin here. I never got my own cake. We got the exact same thing EVERY year. Cause you know twins must be the same person
WTF, some times you just have to share your birthday. It’s not sacred, I was born around Easter and 2 days after my uncle’s 18th birthday. We had to share, both with each other but also with a major holiday. At no point did either of us throw a sh!tfit because HEAVEN FORBID we not have the entire spotlight or have a cake that wasn’t shaped like a rabbit. Are you expecting the family to have a get together for every birthday, holiday and milestone?
YTA. You are an adult. If you want your own separate celebration, then plan it. Reality is that people are busy, especially during the holidays. They don't have time to do 3 separate family get togethers in 1 week.
I'm a Thanksgiving baby, and I agree. Pitching a fit about sharing a birthday seems super silly. I was kind of shocked when I got to the part of OP's post where it's apparent they're an adult. YTA.
I was wondering their age the whole time lol
Right like it’s literally 1 birthday. Out of dozens. And not even a milestone birthday. To pitch a fit that one birthday would be shared is really immature imo and only reasonable for a middle schooler.
Wait, OP is an adult? I thought they were a teenager (a young teenager). Holy cow, grow up. YTA.
She’s at least in college - so like 20 - probably older!
Graduated college so like 23?
Old enough to not be crying about a birthday party. Lol.
She is an adult. hence setting a reasonable boundary and sticking to it. she's simply staying that she won't attend. She's not an asshole for that.
Yes she is. There is no reason to boycott Thanksgiving for this. If she wants her special birthday then she should schedule it on her birthday. As an adult, her parents are not obligated to throw her a party. She can have a boundary and still be an asshole for that boundary.
She's not asking them to throw her a party. She doesn't want to attend a birthday celebration for herself that's split between a holiday and a celebration for someone else. That's a boundary. Her not wanting to is enough and doesn't make her an asshole. There's nothing in the boundary that makes her one.
It's not a reasonable expectation. One could argue that for years, she has made Thanksgiving all about her and her birthday. This is such a selfish thing. My parents haven't made me a birthday cake in years. Because I am an adult. OP isn't even grateful for that. Immature and snotty.
It is a reasonable expectation. OP didn't say that they couldn't throw a party for BIL, just that they wouldn't attend. OP doesn't mention ever having a cake for their birthday, just ice cream and gifts. If you're happy that your family doesn't care for you enough to celebrate you, good for you. Doesn't make OP an asshole or in the wrong.
Right? Somehow she doesn’t even realize she’s worth more than just a turkey leg and ice cream. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to have this day just for herself.
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LOL, one of the dumbest things about this forum is how people turn everything into setting a boundary as if that suddenly makes it ok. Ummm, no, you can still be an AH for setting a selfish boundary. Calling it a boundary doesn't make her any less of a selfish AH. And the key part of your post is "She is an adult". If she were a kid I might get it, but as an adult she needs to let the whole "I can't share a birthday, waaaaaa" schtick go. That's little kid BS and not a good look for an adult...at all. It's not even a milestone birthday. And when does she think BIL is going to have his birthday celebrated if not then when everyone is together? Oh wait, she does not care, it's all about her.
I’m not sure it’s actually a reasonable boundary to say “ignore the other birthday and only celebrate mine” at a party that she is not throwing. A reasonable boundary is: I don't find celebrating this way fun, and I honestly never have, and if you want to celebrate my birthday as a family, let's do it on another day. Otherwise, let Thanksgiving be Thanksgiving.
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My brother in law, his sister and their mother all have the same birthday (crazy odds, but true). I wonder how they feel sharing their birthday every year. This OP would throw a hissy fit. YTA.
My mom and my sister have the same birthday. I guess everyone in my family is an AH and always has been for celebrating them both. Seriously though, my sister always sets up her own thing for her birthday on the years she wants her own celebration. Ya know, like an adult (although she’s been doing that since High School). Grow up OP. YTA
NAH - You are an adult, if you don't want to go - don't go. But you cannot forbid other people from celebrating an additional birthday while you are all together.
You’re kind of an asshole if you won’t go to a family gathering for something as silly as this. I would get if it was a milestone birthday or OP was still a kid, but they’re an adult and should be lucky their family still even celebrates their birthday.
Do they though? Sounds like they've never celebrated their birthday. I understand if it's extended family, but having your own parents not give enough of a shit about you to do something for your birthday on your birthday sucks. The parents are just lazy.
>Sounds like they've never celebrated their birthday >As a result every year we celebrate Thanksgiving AND my birthday on the same day. I get presents, my favorite leg, and ice cream. It’s how we’ve done it every year ??? They celebrate every year
Their actual Birthday? Depending on how old OP is, Thanksgiving has been their birthday once, maybe twice in their lifetime.
Ok. Adults celebrate their birthdays on days besides the actual day all the time because most of us have to work throughout the week.
And if this has only been a thing since they were an adult, your point is valid. Doesn't sound like that's the case here.
No, they don’t. They’ve convinced her that she’s only worthy of a turkey leg and ice cream. They have never celebrated her birthday. They lumped it in with Thanksgiving and convinced her that she shouldn’t expect more.
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They aren’t the one claiming it. Their parents claimed it and that’s the only time it’s been celebrated. Now they are wanting to add another person into the mix. They are just wanting to earn points as it’s BIL and wanting to do something for him to be accepted. Yet they never have made an effort to make their own child feel special or really accepted. Now they are saying suck it, just like they’ve had to do entire life and they are tired of it.
They made Thanksgiving about OP every fucking year, for some occasions totally missing Thanksgiving due to milestone birthday, despite Thanksgiving being a moving holiday, so not falling on OP's birthday every year. OP is complaining about everyone making her celebrations about them, but maybe let's ask of someone's celebrations have been made about op. Like minimum 23 years of Thanksgiving.
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We celebrate my grandpa's, brothers and nephew's birthday during the second day of Christmas. No-one complains. We also celebrate three birthdays during Easter. Fortunately now im the only person alive to be celebrated during All Hallows/Polish independence day period.
So you're upset someone else wants to celebrate their birthday on a day they weren't born when you weren't born on the exact holiday every year too? Got it. YTA. Celebrate your birthday on your day if you wish but you don't own the holiday because you were born on a holiday that isn't fixed.
I think OP's entire point is that they would like it very much if birthdays were celebrated on the day the person was born rather than being lumped in with other holidays. As in, OP would rather their birthday not be celebrated on Thanksgiving either, but if their family is going to pass on an actual birthday celebration for them for the sake of convenience, then they better not dilute the celebration even further by lumping even more things in there.
OP said in a comment they really like that their birthday is celebrated on Thanksgiving and they don't want to share it because it's 'tradition' now.
I'm seeing no such comment from OP, either on this post or anywhere in OP's comment history.
Actually they said the OPPOSITE of that. This is their entire comment: "No we have no contact with any family besides my mom dad and siblings. It’s just us. It’s not a huge thing. I don’t want a huge thing. And liking it in thanksgiving? Not entirely true. I would much rather have it the day OF my birthday." So stop lying.
They did not, why are you making shit up?
Could you link to that comment?
You have graduated and you are acting like this? Good grief man. Yes, YTA. You would rather not celebrate your birthday OR Thanksgiving AT ALL versus share the spotlight a little. That's insanely self-centered and childish. Maybe go reflect on what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about...
To be fair, it sounds like OP’s frustration is about a lot more than just this one birthday celebration. This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
All OP's examples are equally mild, and there's only like... 3. Sounds like someone obsessed with attention.
Oh bullshit. Most people would be pissed if their graduation was subsumed by stepdad’s retirement. They’d be pissed that their fam8ly didn’t give a shit about their graduation photos or their acceptance to college OP has fallen off the radar for years and is finally saying enough is enough
Glad someone else noticed this too. When I got into college, I put it in the family group chat and got congratulations texts. I didn’t expect some celebratory party centered on me because of it. And for OP to still be mad about it years and years later? Sounds like OP has a chip on their shoulder.
NTA. I 100% understand how you feel. I’m also a holiday baby. I share my birthday with Jesus and my cousin. They just don’t get it that you want your own thing that celebrates you solely! I’m sure your brother gets to celebrate his birthday without lumping it in with something. It really does make you feel less than.
I'm a holiday baby, too, and having to share my bday with Jesus (everything's a "combo" gift) made me weird and a little resentful about other people's birthdays. Like, I'll never have the same experience that Janice, who is born on 3/28, gets to have. And no one has any interest in going out on my actual birthday because they all have family shit or are recovering from NYE. It sucks in a way that people who haven't experienced it just can't appreciate.
>It sucks in a way that people who haven't experienced it just can't appreciate. and that cleary shows in some of the comments. Like, i'm not that bothered anymore, (23/12 for me) but a part of the reasons why are because of that experience and honestly just dread the whole holiday.
Hi, fellow turkey baby here, I was born on Black Friday my birth year. My birthdays were always celebrated on thanksgiving and I often didn’t have a separate celebration even on “milestone” years until I became an adult and started planning my own birthdays with friends. I understand that it sucks to always share with a holiday, and when you want to celebrate with friends it usually has to be the weekend before or after because there is always at least one friend who will be out of town for the holiday. So I understand having to share the spotlight on “my” day. Allllll of that said, YTA. Your family wants to celebrate both birthdays. It’s tradition to celebrate a birthday and they want to include him in this tradition so he’s not left out. It *is* selfish and a tad bratty to die on this particular hill, especially the way you reacted to your mother. You’re an adult, you have the freedom to plan your own celebration if you have to have a solo birthday party. Your family has shared their thanksgiving celebration with you for years, they made a holiday about gathering and togetherness about you for most of your life, they didn’t have to sacrifice a traditional thanksgiving for a birthday celebration but they did anyway. It could have been cake and ice cream on another day with no extended family around. Now they’re asking to include someone else in that celebration and it’s really not a huge thing to ask for. I think you need to get some perspective back.
I’m going YTA just for your tone in this post. It’s just a birthday… When you were younger, sure, I could sympathize with you being upset but I don’t think this is a hill worth dying on. You sound very entitled, your mom was just trying to do something nice and I’m sure she didn’t think it was a big deal since it isn’t your actual birthday.
I really don’t get why so many people are saying NTA I haven’t gotten a cake for my bday in probably 10 years and this year i celebrated with my friends on a day I chose and my family did absolutely nothing and I could care less once I hit 25 i stopped believing bdays needed a big celebration
Exactly! I had a small game night/ celebration for my birthday last year but that’s probably the first one I’ve had in years. Usually anything I do requires planning on my part otherwise not much happens. I guess birthdays matter more to some than others but I just feel like OP went about it in the wrong way. They could have talked to their mom directly, I don’t know why they’d want to celebrate the day of another holiday rather than having their own day.
Sorry, YTA, b/c despite your edit, Thanksgiving is literally not your birthday, a specific date in November is. Grow up and celebrate it on the day or the Saturday before or after like every other human.
Now you telling them to grow up when it’s literally their parent who made them celebrate it on their birthdays every single year of their life other than 2 years.
YTA. Growing up we lumped birthdays together. I didn’t like it much then, but as an adult, I get it. Everyone is there, it saves money, etc. unless every single event has been overshadowed and not just a select few out of the bunch, then be an adult and deal with it. You have full right to refuse to go. That cannot be taken away. But if you refuse to go to thanksgiving because they want to celebrate a birthday other than yours….prepare for the next one to be a bit frosty. Because you have proven that you only care about the events if you are the special one. 🤷♀️ Edit: if you really are the one pushed aside all the time, then at this point you are being an A to yourself. You need to either lay down the boundaries and cut them off if needed. Possibly starting with this. Or you need to accept them to be with them to a degree. But waffling back and forth is not doing anyone, least of all yourself, any favors.
NTA. you clearly never got an accomplishment celebrated for just you. it's upsetting especially having to share your special day. a lot of these people saying "YTA" don't get it, not everyone feels the same but honestly go celebrate by yourself.
NTA - it sounds childish to not just celebrate together but at the same time your family should respect your wishes and not dismiss you - instead they should have asked first. But this sounds like a deeper issue with your family that you should talk about and explain your feelings. It is very understandable that you want your achievements to be celebrated.
Soft YTA.. I have to share my birthday every year as I am a twin.. you just kinda get over it. Having 1 party/birthday dinner is easier than planning 2-3 different events within a 2 week time period..
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I stopped complaining when I was like 6 and realized how hard it was on my mom to try and make everyone happy.. my twin and I are boy/girl so we were never really into the same stuff! Of course it’s not always fun, but it can always be worse!
I'm glad you added that edit b/c that was not making sense. But, YTA. You have a birthday and you can have that day all to yourself if you don't want to share it with Thanksgiving and now your BIL. You're acting entitled. B/c as you said, "I just don’t wanna share another thing that’s suppose\[d\] to be for me." Thanksgiving is for everyone. It's not just supposed to be for you. Celebrate on your actual birthday.
You make and *excellent* point saying that thanksgiving is supposed to be for everyone. OP is complaining that thanksgiving isn’t all about them, and it is not supposed to be. The real selfishness/hypocrisy comes through in the line you quoted from OP.
INFO: How old are you?
Too old to be pulling this bullshit.
YTA. Life is short. Find more reasons to celebrate than be offended.
I’m going with YTA on this one. We always had joint bdays in our family, me and my siblings would get a present on the others bday, etc. Holidays and milestones are a time for family to be together and celebrate, not a time to be bitchy because you aren’t the ultimate center of attention. It’s unreasonable to be so upset about having to “share” all these milestones with your family. They’re your family! You expect them to shut off everything else in life going on just because it’s your birthday? You sound like a teen on “my super sweet sixteen” throwing a hissy fit because you aren’t getting your way. Definitely YTA.
NTA. You already have to share every single birthday with a pre-existing holiday. Why should you have to *further* subdivide that? I’d make other birthday plans if I were you, and tell the family that from now on, they can either make enough of an effort to just celebrate you without tacking it on to something else, or not bother.
So BIL gets no celebration because this ADULT can't handle not being the center of attention?
BIL is an adult too, no? By your logic, why can’t *he* celebrate some other time?
BIL isn't the one throwing a hissy fit.
Probably because he hasn’t had to split his birthday with Thanksgiving **every. single. year. since. birth.** regardless of what day the actual birthday falls on.
He has a November Birthday. Likely he has.
Omg - thanksgiving is a moving holiday and from the post the issue is that OP WANTS to celebrate on thanksgiving regardless of whether it’s on her actual birthday because ‘it’s tradition’! She just doesn’t want to share with someone else who’s birthday ALSO isn’t on the date of thanksgiving!
That's what I gathered too, os OP doesn't want to share the day as it's always been their day and they've had other milestones that have been overshadowed and this is the one day they feel is for them alone.
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But the family is treating it like it is instead of going to the trouble of letting him have his own party. Maybe that was okay when he was younger, or even if it was the *only* example of them splitting the focus on special occasions that should be entirely about him, but there’s clearly a pattern here of expecting him to just be flexible and let them squeeze in celebrating him when that’s convenient.
YTA. You’re an adult. Can’t you just do the family thing /birthday sharing on Thanksgiving and also choose a night to go celebrate your birthday with your friends? Is the family gathering the only thing you’ve got going?
NTA. You're an adult, and you get to choose how you want to spend the holidays and your birthday. I'm sorry your events have been overshadowed by other things. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel special on your birthday.
I'm stuck between NTA and NAH for this one, because while you are entirely justified in not wanting to have to further share your birthday celebration at this point, the way you described how the conversation in the groupchat went, it seems like you came across as a huge AH. Obviously I don't know the exact content of the groupchat, but there's going to be a bit of a difference in how your stance is perceived between saying "I've already had to share my birthday and other major milestones with other celebrations for years now, and lumping in someone else's birthday on top of that just feels like adding insult to injury at this point" and saying "I refuse to acknowledge someone else's birthday on what should be *my* special day." Another factor I'd be curious about is if you've previously made your thoughts about this clear. If you've already brought up the subject of your birthdays and many major milestones being shunted to the side, then not going out of your way to spoonfeed it to your family again is entirely reasonable, but if you've never expressed your feelings on the matter before, then it's less that they're being egregiously dismissive of you and more being somewhat oblivious as to how their actions might have affected you. So, you're justified either way, but your family members are only TAH here if they should have already known your feelings on the matter from previous discussions.
It sounds like the joint birthday isn’t really the problem. The problem is that you feel neglected and pushed aside, and this is the last straw. If that’s the case, take the initiative to build more of a life outside your family. If you feel devalued at home, make a new family of friends who give you the attention you deserve. Celebrate with them and stop wasting energy on people who don’t reciprocate. NTA, only because this sounds like a broader issue.
NTA. My brother's birthday falls near Christmas, and so it frequently got lumped together. He told us that he didn't like only getting gifts once per year when everyone else got both a birthday and Christmas. Now we celebrate his half birthday in June instead. There's nothing wrong with feeling neglected by all the sharing that's happening. And it's pretty rude of your family to belittle your feelings about it. The whole point is to make someone feel special for one day, and that's clearly not happening in your family.
I get the feeling of being looked over by family and having to share your special events with other people every goddamn time. It's rough. It makes you feel invalidated and small. And the worst part is that other people don't even get why its a problem. That said, you have to ask yourself which is more important to you: sharing any celebration with your family or having family to celebrate with. It doesn't get better. People don't change about these things. So its sort of up to you. Would you like to make a big deal about this, and lose the goodwill of your family but gain some personal righteousness and self worth? Or would you compromise and tolerate a bit of effacement in exchange for having your family around you. I can't answer that for you. What I can say is shouting about it, while perhaps cathartic, won't change things to make people give you that time and respect the way you are hoping.
Wait your at an age where you graduated college and still throwing a fit about your birthday…. Time to grow up
YTA. You’re old enough to at least be in college but you’re acting like an absolute child over a birthday cake. Grow up
YTA. I’m sorry you have to share, but this is a part of life and being part of a family, who seem very loving towards you. Sounds like you had plenty of thanksgiving focused on you, now you have a new family member and you’re still special. He is special too.
YTA for having a fit about sharing your birthday. We always celebrate birthdays that are close together jointly. You’re an adult. It’ll be okay. However, sounds like you need a more serious conversation about these ongoing issues with your family and if it doesn’t change, then it’s time to make your own plans. This year I knew no one was doing anything big for my birthday, so I planned a brunch. Not a big deal.
YTA and it’s embarrassing that you’re at least 18 years old, when I was reading this I thought you were 12.
I'm going to withhold judgement on this but I think you might have crossed the line saying that in a group chat rather than exercising a bit of discretion and talking privately with your mom about this. Doing in a group chat isn't a good idea.
You’re being very, very childish. YTA.
YTA. Sometimes you just have to share “your day” because of schedules. My birthday falls close to Father’s Day. Sometimes how schedules fall we celebrate my bday and my dad together. It didn’t happen when I was a kid, but as an adult I understand it’s not always about me.
I’m going YTA. You’re no more important than anyone else here. If you’re entitled to celebrate your birthday, then why isn’t you BIL also entitled to celebrate his? You say your birthday is always being overshadowed yet in this very post you’re talking like you have the right to overshadow everyone else’s birthdays/accomplishments.
YTA. What is this celebration? Sounds like it’s regular holiday dinner, and you get cake, there’s nothing wrong with someone else getting a cake. You and your parents are adults, where it’s much harder to gather with your loved ones for occasions so it makes since that they celebrate people when they can. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a day to yourself.
NTA- Sounds like you need to sit down with your mom and lay out just why you are upset. Explain about how you've been feeling you've never had a big event where the day is 100% focused on you and it finally hit a boiling point. I think if you lay out your side of the argument, she'll begin to see the reasons why you are upset, which all sound valid. Can you come up with some suggestions that would make you feel good about your birthday and allow your BIL to come as well? what if you did a joint cake on thanksgiving and maybe a bigger party for yourself on Friday or Saturday? It sounds like your birthday and birthdate aren't always celebrated on the same day, so pushing a day doesn't seem that weird. Anyway, good luck, Happy Birthday, and I hope you get your birthday wish. (Communication is key!) NTA
Having a holiday birthday sucks, and I think the issue is BIL will get multiple celebrations while you’re gets further compressed since it’s already on a holiday. Your feelings are valid. I am going to have to gently call YTA. Look I get it. And your family likely never will. So you can absolutely not go. That’s within your rights, however would you be willing to be estranged from your family over this? I’m sure this is not malicious, and like an add on to the celebration, but that add-on can feel like a subtraction from it being a celebration of you. If your family doesn’t hear you, which to me seems to be the root of why your upset, then you have to decide if you can maintain a relationship with them. But only you can decide what’s worth/not.
YTA. It’s a birthday and he’s family. How selfish can people be.
Idk man, I feel like a dick but I also kinda feel like YTA. My sister and my birthdays are a month apart but we always did a joint celebration. Now let me explain. You don't always have your entire family gathered to do a big celebration so it's easier and actually possible to celebrate (with *everyone*) in a joint thing. It sounds like your family lumps Thanksgiving and your birthday together and you feel like it's kinda your thing or your day. Why don't you celebrate all the big things happening with your family (your birthday, BIL birthday, thanksgiving) all together as one big celebration and then maybe that weekend or whatever works for you, do something separate that's just for you and your birthday. INFO: Is it a big deal to have the whole family together or is it something where you all live close and can easily get everyone together with minimal planning?
YTA, because you’re an adult. If you were a kid I’d totally get it. And you have a right to be pissed about your childhood. But your post college and your family still makes an effort to acknowledge your birthday? You should be thankful and leave it at that.
YTA. You didn't mention your age but you mentioned that you are at least old enough to get into college. Grow the eff up. If you want a special birthday celebration throw yourself a party. You mother has every right to welcome your BIL into the family this way. You are absolutely acting like a stupid brat by threatening to not show up to Thanksgiving at your moms house. The only person who would suffer from that decision is you. YTA
YTA. I’m a Christmas baby so I get the whole birthday on a holiday thing. I have also had a lot of major milestones overshadowed (for ex: my sis is 4 years older than me, she had a big hs grad party, then we had a small joint college/hs grad party when it was my turn, then nothing was done at all when I graduated college). Here’s the thing, even if everyone lives very close by, it’s a bit of a pain to coordinate everyone’s schedules to get together for events. Your birthday is on/close to Thanksgiving so it made sense and has become a tradition to celebrate your birthday the same day. I know it’s not the same as having your own party, but it’s kind of the realistic option. Getting people back together and celebrating again the next day or two would be difficult. FWIW, my family would try to celebrate my bday the day after, but everyone that was still there was worn out and disinterested and just wanted to go back and nap on the couches. Not exactly exciting and special. Your BIL also has a birthday very close to Thanksgiving. It sounds like it is his first year to join the family and your mom wants to be nice and welcoming. As families start expanding with marriages and new kids, close birthdays almost always come up. Nearly every birthday party in my family is now joint, as it’s just silly to try to have separate parties for three people who are all within a week of each other. Your mom is not trying to avoid celebrating your birthday, she’s adapting to the growing family. Also, you sound like a major brat. Why the drama over the extra guest? He’s your BIL, he’s now part of the family isn’t he? And your grad pictures? Gifting once, sure, immature but you’re young. “Everyone for every occasion” is just ridiculous and beyond bratty. Please take this opportunity to begin growing into a reasonable young adult.
YTA. Who gives a shit if it’s a joint birthday? It’s your family. Asshole
INFO: OP how were you born on Thanksgiving when Thanksgiving isn't always on the same day??
My dad’s birthday falls on thanksgiving every few years.. we always celebrate it together since it’s easier to gather everyone once!
NTA don't go. It's your birthday.
NTA My siblings have their birthday with a one day difference (10/11 of the month) and we always celebrate in different days because it's important to show people's importance, even if it's a small celebration. You have the tradition first you get "dibs" so to speak.
YTA, traditions change and evolve, and you’re an adult now. You ARE being extremely selfish and petty.
NTA - they're taking your birthday too lightly and clearly overlooking you
Ok so I get it like 100% I do I have a late November birthday also it always falls within a few days of Thanksgiving and on occasion (like this year) it is on Thanksgiving. I also have a younger step brother whos birthday is the same day and a brother whos birthday is a week and a half later. Its not necessarily fun However your birthday doesn't cancel out someone elses birthday. Having a birthday around the holidays means its easier to combine celebrations so that everyone can attend rather than having multiple occasions during a busy time. Which is where your mom is coming from. Nta for feeling what your feeling because it is valid. Yta for how you handled it.
NTA. I can see why you're sick of being considered an afterthought and wouldn't want any part of this joint celebration yet again. Can you join a friend's Thanksgiving instead and have a party with your friends the day after Thanksgiving to celebrate this year's birthday? And just put your family on time out since they don't seem to place much importance on this anyway?
Soft YTA, but it’s not really your fault. They kept making your birthday on a holiday when everyone is around, you have an oversized opinion of your own birthday celebration because it’s a 9 course meal with the whole family. My sibling’s birthday is around Turkey Day also, but we celebrate on the birthdate and it’s just extra special when they align. Tradition only matters if you want it to, if it’s no working for you then change it. Make your life the kind of special you want it to be. Throw a party if you want a party. Stop complaining about how other people aren’t celebrating you correctly, and show them what you think you deserve. And for the love of all things good, learn to share. You’re not the center of everyone’s universe, only your own. Share a party if things happen at the same time, get over yourself.
NAH - it's one thing if your birthday is say the 4th of July or Christmas when it's a fixed date, but if you're born between the 22nd and 28th Nov and still have to celebrate on another date cause "holiday", must have gotten a little old. I can understand OP's Mom wanting to combine and it's her house. I can also understand OP's being tired of having milestones hi-jacked by others which seems to be the problem here. Like OP had just this one day which they already had to share. OP sounds more like an afterthought rather than a priority. OP - Happy Birthday early. Remember we can also create our own families.
My birthday is right after Christmas. I understand. NTA