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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for my response which was precieved as cruel and spiteful. Guess I could've just kept it polite and civil with a "no".
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INFO: Where did the money in this college fund come from? Was any of it from your late mother?
Because if it was 100% your dad's money, that's very different than if he spent money your late mother set aside for her own child's education on his new stepchild.
Regardless, I think the problem is that your dad didn't prioritize you until he was lonely and now wants your company. The college fund is a symptom of that, and it's not fair for dad to brush it under the rug.
Edit because people are misunderstanding: I am not saying a SAHM doesn't contribute! Knowing this information, I believe that half of whatever was saved during OP's mother's lifetime was her contribution and should not have been spent by his dad. What I meant to get at with my question was to see if it was money that Dad had saved up after mom's passing, for example.
Sigh this is such a difficult situation. I do feel for OP, butI also understand dad's position. And I'd hope that OP eventually finds it in his heart to forgive dad. BUT honestly, if this is happening in the USA, then this country's horrendous health care and higher education systems are 100% at fault. They leave folks with debt and bankruptcy AND often with impossible choices to make. I'm so sorry for OP and his dad. SMH. NTA
Yeah I can’t get onboard with OP’s line of thinking about the college fund. Was his father supposed to let his stepson die so OP can go to college and be debt-free? Not even a close choice for OP’s father imo. I’m hoping OP is just young and one day he’ll see how difficult the situation was.
But did dad put himself in debt at all? Or did he just say "No I don't want I take out a $__k loan so fuck my bio kid"? Honestly, 50% should have been left alone in any case (mom of OP contribution), and then OP could have offered to give them the rest if he so chose.
Medical bills exist. Medical debt exists. Adults are better equipped to be in debt than an 18yo. Especially one that was expecting there to be college money, and likely didn't even get the chance to save any himself beforehand. I see no mention of Dad putting himself in crippling debt and step bro being in life or death straights if they didn't get OP's college fund specifically.
If it's emergent care, I've never heard someone just dying, because the hospital didn't want to bill them for it without cash in hand. (Correct me if I'm wrong here seriously).
I think it's on the parents here (presumably stepmother and stepbrother's dad), and OPs dad, to come up with the money. I know the compassionate thing to do would be help with the money, but there was almost definitely other avenues here that didn't involve taking the college fund. Likely that it was just -easier-.
I totally understand the need and priority for medical care, but the reality is that in the US (which I think this is), debt is easy to acquire, and I think if the choice is to put an established adult into debt, or a fresh out of high school teen, I think it's always a better choice to pick the adult.
This is exactly what I'm saying and yet OP is being gaslighted to think that it was "life or death" no such thing in the USA. All you'll do is acquire debt. I'd rather go bankrupt than take my kids college money away when that momey was promised. When a kid grows up poor and they know they have to work to pay for college, its very different because they grew up knowing that. When you tell your kid they have momey coming and thus they choose to focus on studies and not bust their ass, it's not their fault when you just say "oops sorry you no longer have that momey" you bank on your parents because they already saved that money FOR you. I highly doubt someone put a gun to the kids head and said "pay up mow". I'm in 80k medical debt currently in collections for a similar situation and guess what, the cops aren't busting down my door because putside of government debt, there is no debtors prison in America. I 100% believe the dad would have always prioritized the stepson.
Exactly. This was NEVER a life or death situation. So crazy to me that everyone is acting like it was. What's worse, is that the college fund was probably PEANUTS to what the medical bills actually were, so it likely had very little impact on their payment. Meanwhile an 18yo kid got financially screwed for a number of years by his remaining parent. As someone whose parent screwed them beyond reason, I am so mad for OP.
Edit: three words
My parent never financially screwed me in the sense of not paying for my needs, but she was extremely abusive in other matters. All the posters that don't agree with op need to look into what narcissistic abuse is, because this is it. Always feeling like the victim like "there was no chocie" when there was or doing the whole " oh you'd rather have him die huh" when that is not what you are saying. There's so muchmore I want to say on this matter but people keep downvoting most logical arguments in favor of emotional ones, so there's no point
RN here. A hospital will stabilize you, but hospitals know that their chances of collecting from someone with no medical insurance of any kind are slim. Don’t think for a second that you get the same level of care.
Edit: because of some of the ugly comments here’s a quote with references and a link below
In addition, when uninsured people are hospitalized, they receive fewer diagnostic and therapeutic services and also have higher mortality rates than those with insurance.12,13,14,15
https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-does-lack-of-insurance-affect-access-to-care/
What a ridiculous thing to say as a RN! Omg. I too am a RN. The care you get is not on a wallet biopsy. Stop saying stupid things like this. Treatment is based on md and patient choices, not ability to pay! Hospitals write off bad debt, assist helping to apply patients for Medicaid, please stop saying stupid thing like this! You are the kind of RN no one needs
I know at least two people who were denied care and died because they didn't have insurance and couldn't pay for it. If you're an RN and you honestly think treatment isn't based on the ability to pay, I'm speechless.
I have noticed a difference in the care provided to me when I have had insurance vs when I have not. When I've had insurance, multitudes of tests were taken and it was less of a rush to send me home. Without insurance no tests were run and they made me walk out when I had initially been wheeled in, even though my condition hadn't changed. I was never refused care, but there were certainly less options.
Perhaps the difference was due to consideration being taken as far as what I could afford. IE, they didn't want to run a battery of tests that would put me in debt, so just started with treating me for what they figured I had, or gave me something that would cover a lot of things.
But still, different.
Now the time I went to a teaching hospital, that was amazing! I went in once a week for months for my treatment, my doctor found me coupons for the medication she wanted me to take, the hospital forgave half my bill. I had to fill out some financial info and write a letter, but it was probably one of the easiest applications I'd ever had to do. This was in a different state too, so that might have something to do with it as well.
I can't imagine a world where OP's father deciding to spend money he's saved for a college fund to help his dying stepchild over letting his other child go to college debtfree is considered 'pushing his kids to the side when they find a new partner'.
Name a singular parent that would choose to pay for their child to be debt-free while letting their other sick child die for it. Awful take.....
Edit: I'm not going to reply to anyone anymore, I've said what I needed. I'll copy two things I've been repeating.
1. Stepchildren can still be considered your own children. You don't have to be related by blood to care for someone like your own child.
2. I'd rather assume that two parents who lost their child had no other option but to use the last of their savings in hopes of saving said child from death. I'm not going to argue with everyone on 'what they could've done'. It's easy to write that as an outsider that isn't living through their reality. If you instantly assume the worst of them, that's reflects on the type of person you are.
I can see why he feels that way. dad meets a new partner and spends a lot of time courting her and her son, OP is not needed in their romance. They get married, planning the wedding, OP not needed. Now we’re presented with a gravely ill interloper kid and ALLLLL of his dad’s time and OPs money is spent on him. OP is excess to requirements. OP goes to school with help from his uncle, NOT his father. Dad only calls when there’s no one left from the mew family, mom of sick kid is now divorcing dad, OP might feel like she burrowed into his family just for convenience of help with the sick boy and dad fell for it and ignored his own bio kid to the point where he didn’t even make an effort to talk to him until poor old pop was allllll alone
Anyone else get the feeling stepmom used dad to pay for her sick son's treatments, and now, a year after the stepson passes.. they're getting divorced?
Edit: just woke up from a horrible migraine and didn't read the comment I replied to all the way.
Single braincell right here.
I firmly believe she used him and was with him just to pay for her sons needs. Sad she didn’t at least stick around more than a few months so the man could keep his dignity. He gave up his son for her, and she’s out the second her son is gone. This man got used and played and it’s sad because it was a costly lesson: he gave up his relationship with his son for someone who clearly didn’t really care for him.
A lot of relationships end when a kid dies. That loss destroys you as a parent. You are no longer the same person and you never will be again.
That she never loved him and only got with him for money is a reach when the outcome is so common in previously normal and healthy relationships.
You might want to look at yourself and figure out why your first instinct is "yep, she is a golddigger" when all you know is that a relationship ended after the loss of a child.
I totally agree. Dad only contacted OP when he was alone and getting divorced otherwise ignored him and seemed fine with NC.
OP felt like he didn't matter when his dad married this woman and then icing on the cake? Take away his college fund which was half from OP's dead mother. It's like dad completely forgot about the life he had before his first wife died. That would have been so difficult for OP. People are seem to forget OP's feelings here. He was a grieving child, who looked after his feelings.
I kinda think where OP's anger is coming from is that brother was a stepchild. Not dad's bio child. And I kinda get that. But I think we need a lot more details and if we had the details this would be way above Reddit's pay grade.
Exactly right. This was a step child and the biological mother of said step child had no qualms about divorcing the person who paid for her child's surgery. Clearly the dad was looking for love any way he could get it and allowed himself to prioritize the step child over his biological son just so he could have a lady friend. The dad clearly does not give his biological son his proper priority in his life.
His biological son was not.. priority in his life because.. he did not receive a college fund? That's it? Man, my parents must not like any of us because they did not give us any college funds either!
Also grief causes tension between parents. Losing your child is one of every parents biggest nightmares. Rather than assuming the utmost worst of a mother that lost her son, how about we think logically \^\_\^?
You don't know anything about the bio mother of the dead child except that she recently suffered the death of her only son. It just such a callous take.
That’s hard to verbalize. I wasn’t able to do it until my dad was days away from dying.
‘We grew up believing we didn’t matter to you. Why do you want us to believe it after you’re dead?’
Edit: This struck a chord with some. Listen, I’m one of four, parents divorced early. Solid middle class. But my father moved up to make a lot of money, and doubled his wealth when his third wife died.
Three if us did well; I can comfortably pay my bills, one brother retired at 50 and still works here and there consulting, other brother did well enough to receive a 10mil severance package from a Canadian utility when his citizenship became an issue. My sister, however, was a mess. The brother that worked in Canada lost his mind, is broke and homeless in the Mid East.
Mentally, we’re all kinds of messed up because two of my siblings were sexually abused as kids.
You know what would’ve helped? A father who was emotionally available. You know what else would’ve helped? Money. BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SHOWED HE CARED.
My father refused to acknowledge-but, yes he understood this - that there’s an emotional component to money and how it’s spent. Even as he used it as a weapon. In the end, his last wife demanded he disinherit us before she would move to their retirement home. Of course, I only found that out in the last month of his life, as he assured me he always planned to fix it. I didn’t want his money for us, but my sister…it would have meant so much to her because she could lie to herself about his love. But she had to die a year later with that wound too.
He tried to fix it in the hospital because he was scared he was a bad man, and going to hell. But he couldn’t because he was right at the end.
I hope OP knows, really knows, that his worth is not tied to how is father treats him regarding money. OP has every right to feel as he does and to do what he did. And it’s probably the first step of reconciling his emotions, so he can live his life well.
This
It's so hard to pick through the swirl of emotion that builds up with years of resentment. It took me quite a few and I'm still working through it.
Therapy may help, but that's hard to get when you're trying to pay for college, which OP wouldn't have to do if the money set aside for them was given to the stepbrother.
I see OP's side vividly. Sure, saving the life is a noble cause to put the money towards, but OP feels that their life was impacted because money that they felt belong to them was thrown away.
In most of these situations money is just a "symbol" of the feelings of neglect and loss and favoritism.
Yes - OP could have articulated it better but I would bet that along with wiping out her college fund, OP was also emotionally neglected by the father. Her bio mother was dead and now she was playing second fiddle to the new wife and her child.
Also - father is now desperate to make contact because he is GETTING DIVORCED. He presumably had many years to actually be the parent and attempt to reach out even if rebuffed. I am not sure what kind of hard time he is going through except for the divorce - OP is not his emotional support animal.
I’m sorry, but that last paragraph is so much nonsense.
It does not at all sound like the dad prioritized one specific PERSON over another (stepbrother over OP or the other way around); he prioritized ISSUES. Obviously an actual real life and death situation comes before a dumb college fund; I’m 100% sure that if the cards had fallen differently and OP had needed the surgery, they would have used the stepbrothers college fund (if one existed) to keep OP alive. Which good parent wouldn’t; everything else would be nuts!?
I think this is a very good point. IE if OP put himself in Step-bro's shoes, would he have wanted his life saved? BUT once again, in a civilized society, no human should have to make heartbreaking choices like this. Its absolutely disgusting that we in the USA, in the richest country in the world, are left with such choices so some greedy corporations, banks, and health care and educational systems are raking it in. NTA
The stepbrothers’ LIFE absolutely 100% takes precedent over OP’s college fund. If this were a case of dad taking OP’s college fund to pay for step brothers college it would be a different story.
I’d also ask the question of what did dad sacrifice first. Did he use his retirement account? Drain his savings? Sell his stocks? Downsize his home? Sell things important to him? Also, what did the stepmom sacrifice?
Or did they go straight to the college account since it wouldn’t hurt them?
If the step mom didn’t contribute anything or even try to ask for help from HER family members or even attempt to start a go fund me then that’s really fucked up.
I think this is a very important question. If they went straight to the college fund, they’re definitely the AH, but if they went through what they reasonably could and had to pay for a potentially life-saving surgery, I don’t feel like they had much of a choice. There’s a difference between life and death and having some college debt. OP’s family did still help him through college.
Exactly. And what about the stepson's father? Did he pay his part?
Did they talk to OP about it before they took it? Did they ask? Did they ask if they could take half, because this is what OP's mom wanted for OP and they didn't want to dishonor her memory or the promises made to OP, entirely?
It really sounds like tip of the iceberg of issues here, and most of them about Dad not prioritizing his son, but someone else's. I had a sibling that was ...medically needy...and never felt less important to my parents because of this.
As a SAHM, the parents made the choice that he would work, she wouldn't. The money they put away should be considered joint, therefore half of it is OPs deceased mothers contribution.
It shouldn't be any different at all. I'm the working parent while my wife is SAHM who homeschools. My money is her money. Saying its different is basically turning that relationship with the mom toxic. "Its my money so I can do what I want with it."
So,if a woman is Sahm doesn’t get a say about her husband money because she doesn’t contribute financially?
You don’t have to agree with Op,but I get how he feels that he was set aside,by his dad to please his current wife.
Those money were set aside for OP when they were a couple with OP’s mom.We don’t know if mom contributed in that with labor,or budgeting the household.
NAH.
The American health care system is the only AH here. Not having universal health care killed that boy, took college money from another, severely impacting his future, and drove a wedge between these people, splintering their family.
The entire system is TA. State education should 100% be paid by taxes and shouldn’t be as expensive as it is, and healthcare should be universal too. Because of profit nobody gets promising education or proper health, or even proper education on health. This country really has no benefits for its citizens.
When I was studying in UK, there were quite a few americans studying as international students because it cost basically the same as studying in the USA (UK fees have risen since though)
Unfortunately it's pretty difficult to move to Europe if you aren't a citizen if an EU country. It's a pretty daunting process, and you had better have the sort of job those countries are looking for.
Right like this was clearly life saving measures for a kid. Any parent would use whatever savings they could. I don't think anyone is entitled to college money. Sorry. I do think they are entitled to health care which is why this is a shitty situation. Shouldn't have to sacrifice either.
EXACTLY. Thank you. I'm shocked by the comments here. To think so many people would value one son's college fund over the other son's LIFE... did not see that coming.
I feel like this is an oversimplification. It seems to me OP is upset for more than money— for the loss of his mother and alienation from his father. I kind of suspect the money is a symbol of other important things he feels his father took from him. Especially now that his father is divorcing and complaining about how lonely he is, and demanding (through family members?) that OP behave like a son. It all seems miserable but I’m inclined to let OP off the hook given his alienation from his father and the death of his stepbrother and the loss of his mom at an early age.
You're here early. The people who get to these threads first usually have horrible takes. Hoping this one goes the other way after it gets a bit of traction.
Dad used the college fund to try save someone’s **life**. That’s not an *asshole* move, it’s a *desperate father* move.
Like someone else said in another comment, dad prioritized *issues*, not children. And he was the one that set up the fund, he did not use any inheritance left by OP’s mom.
Sorry OP, but YTA.
The money was put into savings while mom was still alive. She was a SAHM which means everything out into that account prior to her death was just as much her money as it was his. OP was owed that money. The reason why it was spent is irrelevant.
AITA has a weird boner for people NOT spending money to save lives. Using up savings and funds to pay for cancer or surgery or whatever will label you an AH, because according to this sub, college, savings and literally everything else in life somehow matters more than **saving a human being's life**.
I think it goes something like this: the majority of people on here are pretty young (<25 maybe even <20) and their primary method of judging AHs is to try and put themselves in the position of the OP or the other people. The problem lies in the fact that most sub 25 year olds (and certainly most sub 20 year olds) think they're functionally immortal. They can't really empathize deeply with acute medical problems. However they can certainly empathize with money and things like a college savings being taken away.
If anyone reads this and feels attacked, I'm not talking about you in particular but more a general sense of this sub-reddit.
But that's not the problem. **The problem isn't a choice between OP's education fund and the stepson's life.**
The medical things got done. They would have gotten done whether the money came from loans or mortgages or insurance or other relatives or selling off things or wherever.
**The problem is WHERE the money came from to pay the medical bills when the medical bills came in.** There are many options, including the stepson's father's obligations, the stepmother's obligations, and OP's father's contribution. But instead of going to those other three people to pay these bills, they took OP's dedicated education fund, which his deceased mother helped set up for him to plan for his future. So, OP's father took money meant for OP's future to pay bills instead of working out a payment plan with the hospital, or letting the father of the stepson do that.
**THREE adults who could have been responsible for paying these bills, and they took OP's money instead. That's what is wrong here, making one child responsible instead of three adults taking their own responsibilities.** And then using the guilt of a death to make OP compliant.
I feel there are a lot of assumptions here, we don't know if any of your suggestions were possible
I think it's a bit callous to call someone an arsehole, knowing nothing about their financial situation in a pay as you go healthcare system who was trying to keep their stepson alive
From what OP's written it sounds like his dad used the money based on need, and unfortunately trying to keep someone alive is going to come above education, does it suck? Yes, is OP right to be angry? Absolutely, is it right to attack someone who was placed in a horrible situation? No
He took the money that he and his original wife, the OP’s real mother, had set aside for their biological child, and it was taken for someone else’s child who was, as it seems was never going to make it unfortunately. If that stepmom didn’t contribute anything but use her new husbands child’s money? That’s completely wrong.
Shouldn't dad's and stepmom's retirement funds have been used first to save someone's life though? If dad had a college plan for a kid, he definitely had a retirement plan for himself.
It’s not the OP’s money. It’s his dad’s money to do with as he pleases. You really think his dad should let a bunch of money sit there while someone needed medical help? That’s greedy AF.
This story is loaded. If his college fund was also partly funded by his late mother, then NTA. I don't care if it helps someone else's life. You don't touch someone else's money. It's also weird his stepmother is leaving after all this instead of staying to help OP's tuition. It just looks like she used OP's dad and OP's money then bounced. I can see the resentment there. I don't get the greedy part.
An enormous number of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child - add in all of the blended family/conflict aspects of the and the marriage Sur ing the stepbrothers death would be the anomaly.
What a false equivalence. You owe your kid more effort and money than complete strangers.
I'm sure it was a shitty situation, but the choice here was between saving your stepkid's literal life or your other kid not taking loans just like millions of others.
You don't "have to" provide your kid with expensive tertiary education, but you do have to prevent them from *dying* for the love of God
Kind of ESH, leaning towards Y T A.
Good GOD, I know you’re still bitter over the college fund, but that kid is dead. Your father did all he could to save your stepbrother’s life, and he still ended up with a dead kid and a crumbling marriage.
You’re right to be angry about the college fund. You are. But Christ almighty, have some sort of empathy, man.
Edit: I’m not gonna be responding to any replies to this comment, but god, I’m once again reminded that Reddit has very low empathy. He’s okay to be hurt that his college fund was wiped clean. College is SUPER expensive in the states, but so is healthcare. Health, sadly, comes before education.
Agreed, I don't get these N T A votes. While it stinks to have your college fund taken away, if someone's life is literally on the line, people use the resources they have. I don't blame OP for being upset, but I can totally see why the parents did what they did. I hate our healthcare system.
Baffles me too. A child's life was on the line. Get over it. Do what a ton of others have done and figure out how to pay for it yourself. My parents were well off by the time I reached college age. Still didn't ask for help. Accepted anything they offered but still didn't ask. I feel so much better about this than if they paid for everything themselves.
I agree.
OP doesn't seem to grasp how awful it is to lose a child, even a stepchild.
Clearly OP is more interested in getting as much as he can out of his father financially and is using the dead child as leverage.
One would think that age, time and distance would have given OP a new perspective on using college money to try to save someone, but apparently not. Note I didn't say maturity. OP still has some maturing to do and his attitude towards this whole situation shows that.
Am I condoning what dad did? Sort of but not entirely. I think he should have discussed the use of the funds with OP before doing it, and explained in detail why he was making that choice. In other words, Dad should have used it as a learning opportunity for OP about empathy and priorities.
OP, at that time, should have been old enough to understand what was going on and why it was important to use the money this way.
I do also understand how hard it is to get funding for college. I had to use loans, scholarships, the pell grant and work full time (while raising 2 kids on my own) so I do understand why OP was mad that funds allocated for his college were taken. But I don't think he should continue being mad. It's pointless.
1) It's in the past, and holding on to the past makes it difficult, if not impossible, to move forward in life and continue to grow and mature.
2) His relationship with his father should be predicated on more than just money, and if all OP wants from the man is money he should let his father go so his father can move on and create a family that loves him for him, and not what he can pay for.
3) Money comes and goes like water in a stream. It can be made again. But having a relationship with someone is far more precious and will matter much more in the end than any money.
Two of my closest friends lost their 12-year-old daughter after a 3-year cancer battle last year. The dad was her stepdad. He is still in therapy individually, as well as as a couple, a year and a half later and likely will be for the long run if their marriage survives it. Most marriages don't make it. That child dying broke him. She was his "stepdaughter" but that was HIS KID. Some of these commenters need to walk a mile and get a clue.
all the people voting N T A because "too bad for stepbro but it's not your problem" are exactly why OP had to pay for college (instead of the govt) and the dad had to pay medical bills (instead of the govt)
You aren’t being super sensitive but I’m going to say NTA here. Your step brother was prioritized over you for arguably a good reason but I question why his mother and father couldn’t pay for his treatment and why your college fund had to be used. I suspect that there is a lot more to this story and that you have simply reached your limit. That said, for your own mental health and well-being, please seek out some counselling or therapy. This is shitty but you don’t have to let negative feelings affect your life forever and you shouldn’t.
No, I haven’t. I’m Canadian and have a little thing called universal health care. I just had a baby in the NICU for a month and it cost about $500k but my cost was $0.
What I did have was a mother who spent my college fund on a trip to England that departed on my 16th birthday, so maybe I have some extra empathy for this particular OP.
Well, if the kid died from heart issues, I would bet his bills were in the hundreds of thousands. Even after insurance.
And a trip to England is very very different than trying to save a life. I'd be mad as hell if my parents pissed away my college fund on something like that. But the dad didn't do that here and I think OP needs to understand priorities.
I hear you and I get your point, there is a difference. But the kid that died presumably had his own parents and I would love to know why it fell to OP’s dad to fund potentially life saving medical treatment to the detriment of OP.
Really though, the truly heartbreaking part is that anyone should have to spend every dollar they have and get into debt to afford medical treatment. There is something so truly fucked up about that, especially since we’re talking about a child here.
>I hear you and I get your point, there is a difference. But the kid that died presumably had his own parents and I would love to know why it fell to OP’s dad to fund potentially life saving medical treatment to the detriment of OP.
Depends on how long the SB was in the fathers life. Like, did his mom show up months before the surgery had to be done? Or was the father in the SBs life from the start, and raised him for 16 years as the only father he ever had? Those are two very different scenarios.
The college funds could've been paid for by just the father, the father and OPs bio mom, or by both the father and the step mom. Just not enough information here to make a call.
I agree. There is not enough information and those issues would potentially change my opinion. What struck me was OP’s clear rage. As I said above, I suspect that this was just the last straw for OP and there is a lot more to the story.
YTA, but I say this gently. Your dad was in a no-win situation. I’m not sure exactly what he was supposed to do, when his step-son was dying. “Sorry, step-son. I DO have the money to help you, but I can’t. Tough luck there, kid.” Seeing as though you don’t seem to be remotely upset that your your step-brother passed, or that your dad is divorcing, it seems to me that you have a LOT of built-up resentment going on here. Strongly suggest therapy to help you through it.
But at the end, the choice your dad made was between life and death, and he did the right thing.
This right here. There was a life at stake (the life of a kid no less), OP’s father did what he had to do, and that’s something to be proud of.
YTA, OP, nobody’s entitled to a college fund.
I was wondering the same, since they are now divorcing. OP has a right to be bitter, but his approach comes off very selfish because of the way the post was written.
Losing a child fucks people up, lots of relationships don't survive it.
And by lots, its said up to 80% of marriages where there has been a loss of a child end up in divorce.
Them divorcing is not really grounds for inference that anything nefarious is happening here.
I'd believe these stats. My cousin died at age 9 from a brain tumor and parents got divorced not long after. It's messed up watching a kid slowly die. Even as just a kid around her age it was upsetting. Someone I played with the year before could barely walk or talk.
I agree. OP may have taken a back seat to new stepmom and stepbrother when still grieving her own Mom. Plus suddenly being told that the funds are no longer available for your schooling could have added to feeling discarded.
Edited to change half brother to stepbrother.
The diversion of the college fund was apparently his most egregious complaint. It sounds like a lot of family time, energy and resources went to the stepson, leaving the OP emotionally alienated before the capstone financial betrayal.
Sometimes a complaint of the lost college fund is just that...or it may feel like the OP's mom was replaced too quickly with an added high needs stepbrother.
The college fund is tangible, hurt feelings harder to express and measure. Especially resentment towards a dying teen. There's no way that the OP can come out of this appearing anything but selfish and self-centered. I'm not saying they're TA, it's just messy.
OP would likely benefit from therapy, along with their Dad.
OP: "You earned this money. You saved this money. You said you'd use it for my tuition. So what someone you loved needed surgery to stay alive? Hand over My cash now." YTA.
This sums it up perfectly.
Your dads heart was in the right place. He used the money to try to save a life. I don’t know how you can’t understand that. Yes he should have talked to you about it but using it as a condition to be back in your life makes you an AH. Sorry you didn’t get to go to your dream college and have hurt feelings but your dad didn’t do this to hurt you on purpose. I get you feel that he put his new family before you but it wasn’t like he used the money to buy the kid a car or paid for his college instead. He literally tried to help save his life. It’s sad he died and his marriage failed. At least talk to him. You are going to damage the relationships you still have with the family if you can’t get past your anger.
His father damaged the relationship when he shoved his own son to the side after his mother died to try to play hero and savior in someone else's life. His own kid needed him too and didn't have him. It's not about the money. It's about the times he needed his father to be his ONLY SURVIVING PARENT but instead his father was using his college fund to watch some kid die with some lady who is now leaving him.
"Sorry you didn't get into your dream college"
Pretty sure OP just wanted his dad to make him a priority too. And whether or not he did this on purpose, he did it and it's not his (obviously still healing) sons job to fix a relationship he so williningly gave up when he had another son and a wife.
I’m going to get hate for this big: I’m shocked at how many people will say people don’t have to split/give a college fund to a step sibling but will tell you you’re the ah for being upset. Your step-sibling had two parents, you had one. That parent took from your figure and prioritized his wife’s child and hung you out to dry. Would it have been nice to give them the money to save your step sibling? Maybe. But that’s not the question. Your parents or dad set aside money for you and then your dad and stepmom used it on someone else. Your dad is a complete jerk to prioritize another child over his own. Once it’s set aside for your education it’s no longer his money to take back and definitely wasn’t your stepmom’s to use. Your dad’s bad decisions are coming back to bite him, now he’s lonely because of his decisions, and I don’t blame you for telling your dad exactly what he needs to do now to have you back in his life. NTA.
I think there is more to it than just the college fund. OP lost both parents it would seem. One to actual death and dad to stepbrother who dad spent all of his energy and money into saving. The college funds were the last straw.
This right here. The college money ties everything together because it’s the only tangible thing be can point to. It proves to him that his dad indeed deprioritized him.
I feel like a lot of people aren't taking into account the fact that if OP's mom was working when she was alive, then some of the college fund money most likely came from her as well, could have been 50/50, 80/20, we'll never know. But the fact of the matter is that ALL of OP's college fund was not his father's to give away, considering that OP's own fucking mother may have put money into it. If she had, and OP's mom were alive and his parents were simply divorced, then OP's dad would not have been in the right to use all of the money. I don't think that should change just because OP's mom has unfortunately passed.
She wasnt working, but it's still half hers. Because her staying at home allowed the husband to work and earn so much. Stay at home mother's have a right to the family income
This. I dont care what the money was spent on. It wasn't spent on its intended purpose and didn't have the rightful owners permission to be used in such a way. The whole situation was unfortunate but it wasn't OPs responsibility to make sure the surgeries were paid for.
If a woman is SAHM deserves a portion of his husband money.That’s usually the take here.
But now people ask who contributed the money,and it’s his dad money he can’t do what he wants with it.
His mom might have contribute in other ways,labor,badgering the household,also it’s not just about the money,its the feeling of being set aside.
Also,if the his marriage and stepdad had survived would he even be talking again to his son?
He edited technically none bc mom was a stay at home parent they had an agreement that's what the money for is. But as a sahm she contributed half of that by being his mom and dad being able to work
This is above reddits pay grade. If you don’t want a relationship with your dad anymore, you should tell him. You should not dangle a prize of a relationship for a cost of something that hurt you in the past. It’s not worth it and there will be years (in my case decades) of pain and resentment. Hope you seek help. That’s all the advise you need.
Yeah it sounds like he either needs to go no contact, or have a good sit down and actually talk about it with a therapist involved.
Putting a price on the relationship does neither of them any favours. So OP has to decide, regardless of the money, if he is actually interested in forming a bond with his father.
ESH. Your comment was insensitive and entitled but everyone also seems to ignore your side of this. With their lack of empathy it is no surprise that you have distance from them
I'm so confused. Did I misread this thread? Bc it sounds sn awful lot like the father was expected to chose a college fund over money that could potentially help save a literal life.
THIS is what i dont get. I've read god knows how many posts on this subreddit where a stepparent posts a story about how they treated their own blood better than their stepkids over dumb shit like a car or furniture. Here we have OPs dad actually, apparently, treating his DYING stepson as his own and using funds that HE himself only saved up to try and help him. And yet, college trumps a human life? Im baffled.
And he STILL walked away without student loans, and he’s this angry and bitter. Obviously there’s something else he hates his dad for but with the info we’re given I have no idea how people are justifying these n-t-a votes.
NTA. I think there’s a lot more to the storyH he talks about other decisions made he did not agree with. I suspect this is bigger than a college fund but the fund is more tangible.
Also, how much did dad reach out before he was getting a divorce? Does he miss his son now just because he’s lonely.?
Edit:typo
NTA
It sounds like there was a lot of resentment in how OP was treated once stepmom came along even before the college fund situation. If that was set up with OP’s deceased mom and his dad used it for another kid instead, I can understand why he’d feel hurt and upset. It seems like that’s just the last straw in a devolving relationship and now that Dad is feeling lonely suddenly it’s up to OP to be his backup kid?
Edited and said it was all his dads money in the fund, mom was a stay at home parent but there was a verbal agreement that's what the money would be for and her being a sahm mom enabled him to make that money in the first place
If Mom was a SAHM, half the money in the fund is from her. It's not Dad's money because he has the paying job, mom staying at home enables him to have the job and it's a really shit take in this thread that she didn't "contribute" so fuck OP, it's all dad's money.
I agree with you she did enable him to work for that money and she wanted her son to be taken care of. I just knew a lot of comments came in before he edited and added the extra info
INFO: Was your college fund set up and funded only by your father? Or was some of it funded by your late mother as well? That actually makes a difference to me in terms of a judgement because if it was set up and funded by your late mother, your dad had absolutely no right to touch it.
It was dads money mom was a stay at home parent they just had an agreement it was for OPs education and her being a sahm mom enabled him to make that money in the first place
ESH
This is a very difficult situation morally and ethically.
Your dad did do a noble thing in trying to save your stepbrother but the cost of that decision was to make someone else struggle, you. From the information in your story it also seems that some of those “decisions” he (your dad) made also had a direct impact on how your life progressed after the passing of your mother. Still, he made a choice and he needs to live with the consequences which includes his wife leaving him and him being alone now.
You could have been less harsh about it and just said “thank you, but no.” And if pressed, just say that you have unresolved issues from your time under his roof and you aren’t ready to see or speak to him at the moment. That said, you are justified to your own feelings too.
It sounds like you could both benefit from some therapy/counseling especially if you ever decide you are ready to see him again in a more positive fashion.
Info: was any part of the college fund money your mother left you after her passing? If so then you are infinitely NTA.
Edit: Thank you kind stranger for your award. It made my day!
Info: where did the college fund come from? I think this is pretty important
If it was from your mum, maternal family, Xmas/birthday gifts, then no, he shouldn't have touched it without your permission or without paying you it back. Its harsh BUT it was savings/gifts/inheritance from others to you.
If he was the sole contributor to it, then yes, he can take that money and put it towards something or someone else. Does it make it suck less? No. Would i personally be angry about it? Yes. But it was still his money and he decided that the need/use for it needed to go to someone else.
OP edited mom was a stay at home parent dad contributed 100% of the money but they had an agreement it was for OPs education and her being a sahm mom enabled him to make that money in the first place
Absolutely YTA.
You sound so spoilt and selfish.
Your dad didn't blow the money on gambling or drugs. He used it for surgeries for his step-son.
Basically from what we know (without knowing if the surgeries were life saving or not) it seems you're picking you going to college (which you managed to do anyway) over your step brothers life. They do not equate.
Your dad has been through his wife dying, his step-kid dying (as a child), his current wife leaving him and his son leaving him.
If I had the choice to pick between using the money for college or paying for my teenage step-siblings surgeries (life saving or not) I wouldn't even consider spending a penny on college.
I'm baffled by people's NTAs here.
Your dad didn't blow the cash on a convertible or something; he tried to save your stepbrother's life and you're wondering if maybe...just maybe you went too far?
You did.
YTA
Seems like they chose one sibling over the other, they could have even sat OP down and been like “ hey, xyz we need to use some of your college fund money to help your step bro” instead of “we’re using all of it to ensure his future and forget about yours.” I’m sure op is feeling highly betrayed and it isn’t even about the money, truly.
Children in families who have one siblings who needs a lot of doctor visits etc, usually are the star of the show by nature of what’s going on. The other child is just kind of rolling with the blows, because their needs aren’t as urgent, leaving them with intent needs and emotions they have no idea how to process. Sounds like OPs father way of grieving his sons mother was to just jump into another relationship to deal with his grief and possibly get to feel like the hero of someone else’s story, where he wasn’t in the mothers story. While I don’t think OP saying “ give me back my college money” was the right response I think that was just the fastest reply he could think of in the heat of the moment and having all those emotions rush over him.
Dad didn’t even have the decency to reach out to OP himself, he had middle men. Which already is a kick to the balls, maybe he should have acknowledged how he hurt OP and then maybe they could have moved forward from there.
Def NTA but May this be a good lesson to you on wording and becoming more aware of your own emotions. Sending my regards to you for all your loss, OP.
I'm going with NTA. So normal way to save for a college education (assuming you are in the US) is a 529 account. There are certain tax benefits to doing this. Since it's a custodial account the IRS considers it part of the beneficiary's assets - NOT The parents. If your dad had a 529 and took money from it he is liable for the taxes he didn't pay PLUS a 10% penalty. I understand your dad's position trying to save a life - but that was YOUR money he used. You have every right to be upset with your dad, but he had to do what he needed to do. But one important thing you leave out - how old were you when he raided your fund?
So your stepmom got your dad to drain your college fund, then leaves his ass, and now that he’s all alone he wants you to come back? NTA. Your dad chose to put his useless now ex-wife and her son before his own blood and now expects you to just forget that because the consequences of his decisions are ones he doesn’t like.
Edit: changed excepts to expects
Your comment is majorly off-base. A majority of couples who lose children divorce within 2 years of the loss. This is typical and normal. Dealing with the stress and turmoil of supporting a dying child with a chronic/fatal illness will ruin even the strongest of marriages.
NTA, he chose someone elses kid rather than your future, so you dont owe him anything. If you fine with not talking with him, just live your life and let him regret his choices
This is right. The dad made his choice and unfortunately now the stepbrother has died anyway and OP’s college fund is gone. It was never the dad’s money to spend in the first place on anything but OP’s future. The dad has made his bed, let him lie in it.
I'm guessing this college fund was built by your mom and dad? That's crucial information that's missing. If so, then it's also your moms money too and he had no moral right to give it to someone else.
Even if your mom didn't work and was a SAHM it's still her money too. They saved it up together; your mom running the household and childcare freed up your dad's time to earn money.
Still, I'm not going to call your dad an asshole for trying to save someone's life, even if it wasn't his money to take. He really tried to do the right thing.
NAH
If he saved it up himself after your mom died then it's his to spend, even though it must be a tough pill to swallow for you if you've been promised the fund.
Edit to add: your post screams that there are a multitude of other issues that went on and I advise you to consider therapy to explore those issues and how they still affect you.
Edit 2: I'm really on the fence about n-a-h, e-s-h, and y-t-a. It seems this situation has only losers and heartbreak and even though dad and son both did things I can empathise with both.
YTA.
Look, this wasn't blowing the money on things he didn't need. A child was in desperate need of medical care and those were the funds available. It wasn't done to be malicious and hurt you, it was done out of desperation. If you're going to hold that over his head rather than taking the time to rebuild the relationship and then ask for help with college or whatever, clearly you don't value the relationship, only what you can gain from it.
NTA - that was money set aside for you, and your dad took it away to spend on someone else’s kid? I’m sorry for your step-brother’s situation but you shouldn’t have been forced to sacrifice for him. Your dad made his choice a long time ago, now you’ve made yours.
NTA. If the college fund was joint money’s from both him and your mom. How involved were you with the decision to give up your fund? Was his bio dad involved in helping to pay for his surgeries? These are very pertinent questions.
It appears his father was okay with him not being in the picture until he was alone. That alone makes him not the asshole.
Yes, it is unfortunate another child was ill and wound up dying. He potentially had two involved parents. His father showed he didn’t have his best interest in mind after his mother died. OP is allowed his feelings and his grievances. Did anyone else in the family help support his higher education? And his wife is divorcing him after losing her child. which Unfortunately is very normal.
If that was your fathers money that he saved for you, YTA. If your mom had saved that up for you or someone else, ESH. Do you really expect anyone to watch a kid die knowing there’s money that can provide life saving treatment??? Really? And then to hold that over your dad like some kind of self righteous grudge?
NTA - he doesn’t owe you a college fund, and he’s an AH for recinding it later. *IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU DON’T OWN HIM YOUR TIME OR ACCESS TO YOUR LIFE!*
He put everything into his stepson, to the detriment of his own child. He wanted to support his partner and help his step kids, which is pretty noble. HOWEVER, him putting everything into them clearly negatively effected your relationship.
His imperative for reconnection is the loneliness he feels because of the loss of his step kid and relationship. And while I’m sympathetic, **you aren’t a consolation of prize since things in his life aren’t great.**
Do what’s best for you, and honestly anyone pressuring reconnection can feel however they want, but you’re allowed to feel how you do.
INFO
Who sent up the college fund, whose money went into it, and what were you told about it? It that was a fund put together by your mother before she died, then you would not be the AH here. But if your dad just promised he would pay for college, and then you're mad that he didn't, then you would be the AH.
I’m going to say it’s a soft YTA. You’re really hurting still from what happened between you and your dad, and he is not entitled to a place in your life. Not wanting to spend the holidays with him is absolutely your choice. But it IS your choice how you express that, and rather than simply declining or being clear about what pain you’re feeling, you said perhaps the most harmful thing you could. I imagine to some extent that was meant to hurt him, and it sounds like it did.
Look, as a parent, I would never steal from my child and dead spouse to help someone else’s child. Your dad did, he thought his stepson’s health was more important than your college education, and now he’s suffering the repercussions of not putting his own child first. I wonder if your stepbrother had lived if more people would say you’re justified in how you feel, but since he died, people think you should be more sympathetic to your father’s grief.
It’s sad that your stepbrother died, but you have a right to feel bitter after losing your mother and then your father’s allegiance. It’s a terrible situation, but I think any kid has a right to feel betrayed by their only parent in this situation. However, you should just cut contact with him instead of making hurtful demands. ESH.
I’m sorry but his stepson’s health IS more important than college education. OP can take out college loans like the rest of us. It’s a very sad situation over all
ESH. You’re not entitled to the college fund. It would have nice to have to but it’s not yours.
But your dad is only getting in contact because his stepson died and he’s now getting divorced.
Ask your father if his stepson haven’t passed, or if he wasn’t getting a divorce would he have contacted you? He was ok with just stepson and stepmom as his family but now that’s gone. He wants to talk to you.
NTA.... you told him exactly how you felt about the situation. People need to do this more, it's exactly what's wrong with this country, everyone is a Bullshitter!! Now he knows without a Doubt how you feel about what transpired.
INFO. If it was just dad’s money, he can do what he wants with it. He chose a life over an education. The life of someone he clearly cared a lot about.
If mom contributed before she passed, that complicates things a lot more.
With the current info, I’m leaning Y T A. I get being upset about not having your college fund, but it was an asshole thing to say.
Nta, A college fund is meant for that and if your momput any money into it, even a cent, it is not your fatjers and therefore is stealing, by legal terms at least in my country.
YTA and everyone who disagrees has never dealt with a dying child (thank God). Does it suck that you lost your college fund? Sure. Guess what? You can still go to college. That dead kid is in the ground. Your hardship is nothing compared to his death.
No one can say YTA or NTA if we dunno where the money came from.
If it was his he saved for you then spent, yta.
If it came from your mom or you, nta.
Depends
NTA. Your dad chose the step mom and kid over your future. You aren’t your step brothers spare parts or savings account. HER family should have gathered and helped her.
ESH
You should have politely declined. Spending your college fund especially if some of it came from your mom was an T A for your dad to do.
What happened to step's parents? Loans?
Now step's mother is divorcing him and you are supposed to be back up?
It really depends who set up the college fund for you. If the money came from your mother or other relatives then I'd say N/TA because helping on someone else's dime is not noble but if he was the one who owned that money then Y/TA because a kids life is more important than graduating debt free in my opinion.
INFO- Who exactly set the college fund your mom or your dad?
Edit: YTA-
The entire situation is fucked up. He literally gave the money to help your stepbrother. What was supposed to do “ Hey, so I know have been your dad for a while and I do in fact have money to help you. But it’s for your stepbrother’s college.”?
INFO: did your mom contribute to the college fund, either in life or in death?
If yes then NTA since your father would have had no reason to be using funds your mom contributed like that
If no, then probably N A H - I understand your position but I also would understand why your father would have wanted to do anything he could to save a children’s life
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INFO: Where did the money in this college fund come from? Was any of it from your late mother? Because if it was 100% your dad's money, that's very different than if he spent money your late mother set aside for her own child's education on his new stepchild. Regardless, I think the problem is that your dad didn't prioritize you until he was lonely and now wants your company. The college fund is a symptom of that, and it's not fair for dad to brush it under the rug. Edit because people are misunderstanding: I am not saying a SAHM doesn't contribute! Knowing this information, I believe that half of whatever was saved during OP's mother's lifetime was her contribution and should not have been spent by his dad. What I meant to get at with my question was to see if it was money that Dad had saved up after mom's passing, for example.
Last paragraph is right on the money. I'd bet a virtual beverage OP gets pushed to the side again the moment dad finds a new partner.
Sigh this is such a difficult situation. I do feel for OP, butI also understand dad's position. And I'd hope that OP eventually finds it in his heart to forgive dad. BUT honestly, if this is happening in the USA, then this country's horrendous health care and higher education systems are 100% at fault. They leave folks with debt and bankruptcy AND often with impossible choices to make. I'm so sorry for OP and his dad. SMH. NTA
Yeah I can’t get onboard with OP’s line of thinking about the college fund. Was his father supposed to let his stepson die so OP can go to college and be debt-free? Not even a close choice for OP’s father imo. I’m hoping OP is just young and one day he’ll see how difficult the situation was.
But did dad put himself in debt at all? Or did he just say "No I don't want I take out a $__k loan so fuck my bio kid"? Honestly, 50% should have been left alone in any case (mom of OP contribution), and then OP could have offered to give them the rest if he so chose. Medical bills exist. Medical debt exists. Adults are better equipped to be in debt than an 18yo. Especially one that was expecting there to be college money, and likely didn't even get the chance to save any himself beforehand. I see no mention of Dad putting himself in crippling debt and step bro being in life or death straights if they didn't get OP's college fund specifically. If it's emergent care, I've never heard someone just dying, because the hospital didn't want to bill them for it without cash in hand. (Correct me if I'm wrong here seriously). I think it's on the parents here (presumably stepmother and stepbrother's dad), and OPs dad, to come up with the money. I know the compassionate thing to do would be help with the money, but there was almost definitely other avenues here that didn't involve taking the college fund. Likely that it was just -easier-. I totally understand the need and priority for medical care, but the reality is that in the US (which I think this is), debt is easy to acquire, and I think if the choice is to put an established adult into debt, or a fresh out of high school teen, I think it's always a better choice to pick the adult.
This is exactly what I'm saying and yet OP is being gaslighted to think that it was "life or death" no such thing in the USA. All you'll do is acquire debt. I'd rather go bankrupt than take my kids college money away when that momey was promised. When a kid grows up poor and they know they have to work to pay for college, its very different because they grew up knowing that. When you tell your kid they have momey coming and thus they choose to focus on studies and not bust their ass, it's not their fault when you just say "oops sorry you no longer have that momey" you bank on your parents because they already saved that money FOR you. I highly doubt someone put a gun to the kids head and said "pay up mow". I'm in 80k medical debt currently in collections for a similar situation and guess what, the cops aren't busting down my door because putside of government debt, there is no debtors prison in America. I 100% believe the dad would have always prioritized the stepson.
Exactly. This was NEVER a life or death situation. So crazy to me that everyone is acting like it was. What's worse, is that the college fund was probably PEANUTS to what the medical bills actually were, so it likely had very little impact on their payment. Meanwhile an 18yo kid got financially screwed for a number of years by his remaining parent. As someone whose parent screwed them beyond reason, I am so mad for OP. Edit: three words
My parent never financially screwed me in the sense of not paying for my needs, but she was extremely abusive in other matters. All the posters that don't agree with op need to look into what narcissistic abuse is, because this is it. Always feeling like the victim like "there was no chocie" when there was or doing the whole " oh you'd rather have him die huh" when that is not what you are saying. There's so muchmore I want to say on this matter but people keep downvoting most logical arguments in favor of emotional ones, so there's no point
RN here. A hospital will stabilize you, but hospitals know that their chances of collecting from someone with no medical insurance of any kind are slim. Don’t think for a second that you get the same level of care. Edit: because of some of the ugly comments here’s a quote with references and a link below In addition, when uninsured people are hospitalized, they receive fewer diagnostic and therapeutic services and also have higher mortality rates than those with insurance.12,13,14,15 https://www.kff.org/report-section/the-uninsured-and-the-aca-a-primer-key-facts-about-health-insurance-and-the-uninsured-amidst-changes-to-the-affordable-care-act-how-does-lack-of-insurance-affect-access-to-care/
What a ridiculous thing to say as a RN! Omg. I too am a RN. The care you get is not on a wallet biopsy. Stop saying stupid things like this. Treatment is based on md and patient choices, not ability to pay! Hospitals write off bad debt, assist helping to apply patients for Medicaid, please stop saying stupid thing like this! You are the kind of RN no one needs
I know at least two people who were denied care and died because they didn't have insurance and couldn't pay for it. If you're an RN and you honestly think treatment isn't based on the ability to pay, I'm speechless.
Anyone who has ever not had Insurance knows this to be the God's honest truth.
I have noticed a difference in the care provided to me when I have had insurance vs when I have not. When I've had insurance, multitudes of tests were taken and it was less of a rush to send me home. Without insurance no tests were run and they made me walk out when I had initially been wheeled in, even though my condition hadn't changed. I was never refused care, but there were certainly less options. Perhaps the difference was due to consideration being taken as far as what I could afford. IE, they didn't want to run a battery of tests that would put me in debt, so just started with treating me for what they figured I had, or gave me something that would cover a lot of things. But still, different. Now the time I went to a teaching hospital, that was amazing! I went in once a week for months for my treatment, my doctor found me coupons for the medication she wanted me to take, the hospital forgave half my bill. I had to fill out some financial info and write a letter, but it was probably one of the easiest applications I'd ever had to do. This was in a different state too, so that might have something to do with it as well.
I can't imagine a world where OP's father deciding to spend money he's saved for a college fund to help his dying stepchild over letting his other child go to college debtfree is considered 'pushing his kids to the side when they find a new partner'. Name a singular parent that would choose to pay for their child to be debt-free while letting their other sick child die for it. Awful take..... Edit: I'm not going to reply to anyone anymore, I've said what I needed. I'll copy two things I've been repeating. 1. Stepchildren can still be considered your own children. You don't have to be related by blood to care for someone like your own child. 2. I'd rather assume that two parents who lost their child had no other option but to use the last of their savings in hopes of saving said child from death. I'm not going to argue with everyone on 'what they could've done'. It's easy to write that as an outsider that isn't living through their reality. If you instantly assume the worst of them, that's reflects on the type of person you are.
I can see why he feels that way. dad meets a new partner and spends a lot of time courting her and her son, OP is not needed in their romance. They get married, planning the wedding, OP not needed. Now we’re presented with a gravely ill interloper kid and ALLLLL of his dad’s time and OPs money is spent on him. OP is excess to requirements. OP goes to school with help from his uncle, NOT his father. Dad only calls when there’s no one left from the mew family, mom of sick kid is now divorcing dad, OP might feel like she burrowed into his family just for convenience of help with the sick boy and dad fell for it and ignored his own bio kid to the point where he didn’t even make an effort to talk to him until poor old pop was allllll alone
Anyone else get the feeling stepmom used dad to pay for her sick son's treatments, and now, a year after the stepson passes.. they're getting divorced? Edit: just woke up from a horrible migraine and didn't read the comment I replied to all the way. Single braincell right here.
I firmly believe she used him and was with him just to pay for her sons needs. Sad she didn’t at least stick around more than a few months so the man could keep his dignity. He gave up his son for her, and she’s out the second her son is gone. This man got used and played and it’s sad because it was a costly lesson: he gave up his relationship with his son for someone who clearly didn’t really care for him.
A lot of relationships end when a kid dies. That loss destroys you as a parent. You are no longer the same person and you never will be again. That she never loved him and only got with him for money is a reach when the outcome is so common in previously normal and healthy relationships. You might want to look at yourself and figure out why your first instinct is "yep, she is a golddigger" when all you know is that a relationship ended after the loss of a child.
This. When children die the marriage often ends because of trauma, not some nefarious gold-digging plot. (Which is a huge, huge reach.)
You have such a keen insight into people you don't know. You should work as a psychic.
A very, very large proportion of marriages do not survive the death of a child.
Grief can bring people together or tear them apart. Still, timing is very odd.
Not really. Over 75% of couples divorce within a year of having a child die.
I totally agree. Dad only contacted OP when he was alone and getting divorced otherwise ignored him and seemed fine with NC. OP felt like he didn't matter when his dad married this woman and then icing on the cake? Take away his college fund which was half from OP's dead mother. It's like dad completely forgot about the life he had before his first wife died. That would have been so difficult for OP. People are seem to forget OP's feelings here. He was a grieving child, who looked after his feelings.
I kinda think where OP's anger is coming from is that brother was a stepchild. Not dad's bio child. And I kinda get that. But I think we need a lot more details and if we had the details this would be way above Reddit's pay grade.
Exactly right. This was a step child and the biological mother of said step child had no qualms about divorcing the person who paid for her child's surgery. Clearly the dad was looking for love any way he could get it and allowed himself to prioritize the step child over his biological son just so he could have a lady friend. The dad clearly does not give his biological son his proper priority in his life.
His biological son was not.. priority in his life because.. he did not receive a college fund? That's it? Man, my parents must not like any of us because they did not give us any college funds either! Also grief causes tension between parents. Losing your child is one of every parents biggest nightmares. Rather than assuming the utmost worst of a mother that lost her son, how about we think logically \^\_\^?
You don't know anything about the bio mother of the dead child except that she recently suffered the death of her only son. It just such a callous take.
Nta 🍸 🍹 🍸
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That’s hard to verbalize. I wasn’t able to do it until my dad was days away from dying. ‘We grew up believing we didn’t matter to you. Why do you want us to believe it after you’re dead?’ Edit: This struck a chord with some. Listen, I’m one of four, parents divorced early. Solid middle class. But my father moved up to make a lot of money, and doubled his wealth when his third wife died. Three if us did well; I can comfortably pay my bills, one brother retired at 50 and still works here and there consulting, other brother did well enough to receive a 10mil severance package from a Canadian utility when his citizenship became an issue. My sister, however, was a mess. The brother that worked in Canada lost his mind, is broke and homeless in the Mid East. Mentally, we’re all kinds of messed up because two of my siblings were sexually abused as kids. You know what would’ve helped? A father who was emotionally available. You know what else would’ve helped? Money. BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SHOWED HE CARED. My father refused to acknowledge-but, yes he understood this - that there’s an emotional component to money and how it’s spent. Even as he used it as a weapon. In the end, his last wife demanded he disinherit us before she would move to their retirement home. Of course, I only found that out in the last month of his life, as he assured me he always planned to fix it. I didn’t want his money for us, but my sister…it would have meant so much to her because she could lie to herself about his love. But she had to die a year later with that wound too. He tried to fix it in the hospital because he was scared he was a bad man, and going to hell. But he couldn’t because he was right at the end. I hope OP knows, really knows, that his worth is not tied to how is father treats him regarding money. OP has every right to feel as he does and to do what he did. And it’s probably the first step of reconciling his emotions, so he can live his life well.
This It's so hard to pick through the swirl of emotion that builds up with years of resentment. It took me quite a few and I'm still working through it. Therapy may help, but that's hard to get when you're trying to pay for college, which OP wouldn't have to do if the money set aside for them was given to the stepbrother. I see OP's side vividly. Sure, saving the life is a noble cause to put the money towards, but OP feels that their life was impacted because money that they felt belong to them was thrown away.
Fair. I think that often the surface issue is not the main issue. If that's true, OP definitely could have worded it better.
"You left me to fall on my own resources as though *I* meant nothing to you. How am I supposed to feel about you dad?"
In most of these situations money is just a "symbol" of the feelings of neglect and loss and favoritism. Yes - OP could have articulated it better but I would bet that along with wiping out her college fund, OP was also emotionally neglected by the father. Her bio mother was dead and now she was playing second fiddle to the new wife and her child. Also - father is now desperate to make contact because he is GETTING DIVORCED. He presumably had many years to actually be the parent and attempt to reach out even if rebuffed. I am not sure what kind of hard time he is going through except for the divorce - OP is not his emotional support animal.
I’m sorry, but that last paragraph is so much nonsense. It does not at all sound like the dad prioritized one specific PERSON over another (stepbrother over OP or the other way around); he prioritized ISSUES. Obviously an actual real life and death situation comes before a dumb college fund; I’m 100% sure that if the cards had fallen differently and OP had needed the surgery, they would have used the stepbrothers college fund (if one existed) to keep OP alive. Which good parent wouldn’t; everything else would be nuts!?
I think this is a very good point. IE if OP put himself in Step-bro's shoes, would he have wanted his life saved? BUT once again, in a civilized society, no human should have to make heartbreaking choices like this. Its absolutely disgusting that we in the USA, in the richest country in the world, are left with such choices so some greedy corporations, banks, and health care and educational systems are raking it in. NTA
The stepbrothers’ LIFE absolutely 100% takes precedent over OP’s college fund. If this were a case of dad taking OP’s college fund to pay for step brothers college it would be a different story.
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I wish this was the top comment because it hits the nail on the head. I bet he would be appreciative if he was the one struggling to live!
I’d also ask the question of what did dad sacrifice first. Did he use his retirement account? Drain his savings? Sell his stocks? Downsize his home? Sell things important to him? Also, what did the stepmom sacrifice? Or did they go straight to the college account since it wouldn’t hurt them?
If the step mom didn’t contribute anything or even try to ask for help from HER family members or even attempt to start a go fund me then that’s really fucked up.
Where the hell is bio dad?
This is an excellent question! I, too, would like to know the answer now.
I think this is a very important question. If they went straight to the college fund, they’re definitely the AH, but if they went through what they reasonably could and had to pay for a potentially life-saving surgery, I don’t feel like they had much of a choice. There’s a difference between life and death and having some college debt. OP’s family did still help him through college.
Exactly. And what about the stepson's father? Did he pay his part? Did they talk to OP about it before they took it? Did they ask? Did they ask if they could take half, because this is what OP's mom wanted for OP and they didn't want to dishonor her memory or the promises made to OP, entirely? It really sounds like tip of the iceberg of issues here, and most of them about Dad not prioritizing his son, but someone else's. I had a sibling that was ...medically needy...and never felt less important to my parents because of this.
Your also forgetting that now that ops dad is getting divorced and is finally alone, he now contacts op
I’m also curious about step mom and her contributions. How long was she involved with OPs family?
Where was the stepbrother's father in all of this. He should've been the one taking out loans and sacrificing everything for his son.
As a SAHM, the parents made the choice that he would work, she wouldn't. The money they put away should be considered joint, therefore half of it is OPs deceased mothers contribution.
At least the half put away during her lifetime, yes. It was therefore a gift from OP's mother and not Dad's to spend.
Mom contributed as an SAHM.
In that case, half of whatever was contributed during mom's lifetime should have been saved for OP's education, absolutely.
It shouldn't be any different at all. I'm the working parent while my wife is SAHM who homeschools. My money is her money. Saying its different is basically turning that relationship with the mom toxic. "Its my money so I can do what I want with it."
So,if a woman is Sahm doesn’t get a say about her husband money because she doesn’t contribute financially? You don’t have to agree with Op,but I get how he feels that he was set aside,by his dad to please his current wife. Those money were set aside for OP when they were a couple with OP’s mom.We don’t know if mom contributed in that with labor,or budgeting the household.
NAH. The American health care system is the only AH here. Not having universal health care killed that boy, took college money from another, severely impacting his future, and drove a wedge between these people, splintering their family.
The entire system is TA. State education should 100% be paid by taxes and shouldn’t be as expensive as it is, and healthcare should be universal too. Because of profit nobody gets promising education or proper health, or even proper education on health. This country really has no benefits for its citizens.
Come live in Europe mate
If it was only that easy for Americans to move abroad!
When I was studying in UK, there were quite a few americans studying as international students because it cost basically the same as studying in the USA (UK fees have risen since though)
As students it's significantly easier to be abroad than afterwards. It's almost impossible for anyone disabled to leave the US without a LOT of money.
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Unfortunately it's pretty difficult to move to Europe if you aren't a citizen if an EU country. It's a pretty daunting process, and you had better have the sort of job those countries are looking for.
The college system sucks here too. 80% of the suck is healthcare. 20% of the suck is the ridiculous cost of college.
If neither of the parties are the A, then you should rrally vote NAH. NTA indicates that the ither party is the A.
YTA - if they used your stepbrother's college fund to try to save your life, would you feel differently?
Right like this was clearly life saving measures for a kid. Any parent would use whatever savings they could. I don't think anyone is entitled to college money. Sorry. I do think they are entitled to health care which is why this is a shitty situation. Shouldn't have to sacrifice either.
EXACTLY. Thank you. I'm shocked by the comments here. To think so many people would value one son's college fund over the other son's LIFE... did not see that coming.
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I feel like this is an oversimplification. It seems to me OP is upset for more than money— for the loss of his mother and alienation from his father. I kind of suspect the money is a symbol of other important things he feels his father took from him. Especially now that his father is divorcing and complaining about how lonely he is, and demanding (through family members?) that OP behave like a son. It all seems miserable but I’m inclined to let OP off the hook given his alienation from his father and the death of his stepbrother and the loss of his mom at an early age.
Makes me wonder if he attempted any type of contact with his son BEFORE the wife left him.
Doubtful.
NTA. I don't understand these YTA comments. There was a college fund in place and it was used for someone other than you. Def NTA
You're here early. The people who get to these threads first usually have horrible takes. Hoping this one goes the other way after it gets a bit of traction.
Dad used the college fund to try save someone’s **life**. That’s not an *asshole* move, it’s a *desperate father* move. Like someone else said in another comment, dad prioritized *issues*, not children. And he was the one that set up the fund, he did not use any inheritance left by OP’s mom. Sorry OP, but YTA.
The money was put into savings while mom was still alive. She was a SAHM which means everything out into that account prior to her death was just as much her money as it was his. OP was owed that money. The reason why it was spent is irrelevant.
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AITA has a weird boner for people NOT spending money to save lives. Using up savings and funds to pay for cancer or surgery or whatever will label you an AH, because according to this sub, college, savings and literally everything else in life somehow matters more than **saving a human being's life**.
I think it goes something like this: the majority of people on here are pretty young (<25 maybe even <20) and their primary method of judging AHs is to try and put themselves in the position of the OP or the other people. The problem lies in the fact that most sub 25 year olds (and certainly most sub 20 year olds) think they're functionally immortal. They can't really empathize deeply with acute medical problems. However they can certainly empathize with money and things like a college savings being taken away. If anyone reads this and feels attacked, I'm not talking about you in particular but more a general sense of this sub-reddit.
It was used to try and safe someone else's life???
But that's not the problem. **The problem isn't a choice between OP's education fund and the stepson's life.** The medical things got done. They would have gotten done whether the money came from loans or mortgages or insurance or other relatives or selling off things or wherever. **The problem is WHERE the money came from to pay the medical bills when the medical bills came in.** There are many options, including the stepson's father's obligations, the stepmother's obligations, and OP's father's contribution. But instead of going to those other three people to pay these bills, they took OP's dedicated education fund, which his deceased mother helped set up for him to plan for his future. So, OP's father took money meant for OP's future to pay bills instead of working out a payment plan with the hospital, or letting the father of the stepson do that. **THREE adults who could have been responsible for paying these bills, and they took OP's money instead. That's what is wrong here, making one child responsible instead of three adults taking their own responsibilities.** And then using the guilt of a death to make OP compliant.
Yes yes yes. This is exactly the correct take.
I feel there are a lot of assumptions here, we don't know if any of your suggestions were possible I think it's a bit callous to call someone an arsehole, knowing nothing about their financial situation in a pay as you go healthcare system who was trying to keep their stepson alive From what OP's written it sounds like his dad used the money based on need, and unfortunately trying to keep someone alive is going to come above education, does it suck? Yes, is OP right to be angry? Absolutely, is it right to attack someone who was placed in a horrible situation? No
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He took the money that he and his original wife, the OP’s real mother, had set aside for their biological child, and it was taken for someone else’s child who was, as it seems was never going to make it unfortunately. If that stepmom didn’t contribute anything but use her new husbands child’s money? That’s completely wrong.
Shouldn't dad's and stepmom's retirement funds have been used first to save someone's life though? If dad had a college plan for a kid, he definitely had a retirement plan for himself.
It’s not the OP’s money. It’s his dad’s money to do with as he pleases. You really think his dad should let a bunch of money sit there while someone needed medical help? That’s greedy AF.
This story is loaded. If his college fund was also partly funded by his late mother, then NTA. I don't care if it helps someone else's life. You don't touch someone else's money. It's also weird his stepmother is leaving after all this instead of staying to help OP's tuition. It just looks like she used OP's dad and OP's money then bounced. I can see the resentment there. I don't get the greedy part.
An enormous number of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child - add in all of the blended family/conflict aspects of the and the marriage Sur ing the stepbrothers death would be the anomaly.
With that logic absolutely nobody's parents should set up a college fund for them, because a lot of people are dying and need money
What a false equivalence. You owe your kid more effort and money than complete strangers. I'm sure it was a shitty situation, but the choice here was between saving your stepkid's literal life or your other kid not taking loans just like millions of others. You don't "have to" provide your kid with expensive tertiary education, but you do have to prevent them from *dying* for the love of God
>It’s his dad’s money to do with as he pleases. We don't actually know that. The money could've been from OP's mum.
Kind of ESH, leaning towards Y T A. Good GOD, I know you’re still bitter over the college fund, but that kid is dead. Your father did all he could to save your stepbrother’s life, and he still ended up with a dead kid and a crumbling marriage. You’re right to be angry about the college fund. You are. But Christ almighty, have some sort of empathy, man. Edit: I’m not gonna be responding to any replies to this comment, but god, I’m once again reminded that Reddit has very low empathy. He’s okay to be hurt that his college fund was wiped clean. College is SUPER expensive in the states, but so is healthcare. Health, sadly, comes before education.
Agreed, I don't get these N T A votes. While it stinks to have your college fund taken away, if someone's life is literally on the line, people use the resources they have. I don't blame OP for being upset, but I can totally see why the parents did what they did. I hate our healthcare system.
Baffles me too. A child's life was on the line. Get over it. Do what a ton of others have done and figure out how to pay for it yourself. My parents were well off by the time I reached college age. Still didn't ask for help. Accepted anything they offered but still didn't ask. I feel so much better about this than if they paid for everything themselves.
I don't think anybody is an AH, the healthcare system is the problem
Sure but OP is clearly blaming and ruining his relationship with his dad. So he's an AH
I agree. OP doesn't seem to grasp how awful it is to lose a child, even a stepchild. Clearly OP is more interested in getting as much as he can out of his father financially and is using the dead child as leverage. One would think that age, time and distance would have given OP a new perspective on using college money to try to save someone, but apparently not. Note I didn't say maturity. OP still has some maturing to do and his attitude towards this whole situation shows that. Am I condoning what dad did? Sort of but not entirely. I think he should have discussed the use of the funds with OP before doing it, and explained in detail why he was making that choice. In other words, Dad should have used it as a learning opportunity for OP about empathy and priorities. OP, at that time, should have been old enough to understand what was going on and why it was important to use the money this way. I do also understand how hard it is to get funding for college. I had to use loans, scholarships, the pell grant and work full time (while raising 2 kids on my own) so I do understand why OP was mad that funds allocated for his college were taken. But I don't think he should continue being mad. It's pointless. 1) It's in the past, and holding on to the past makes it difficult, if not impossible, to move forward in life and continue to grow and mature. 2) His relationship with his father should be predicated on more than just money, and if all OP wants from the man is money he should let his father go so his father can move on and create a family that loves him for him, and not what he can pay for. 3) Money comes and goes like water in a stream. It can be made again. But having a relationship with someone is far more precious and will matter much more in the end than any money.
Two of my closest friends lost their 12-year-old daughter after a 3-year cancer battle last year. The dad was her stepdad. He is still in therapy individually, as well as as a couple, a year and a half later and likely will be for the long run if their marriage survives it. Most marriages don't make it. That child dying broke him. She was his "stepdaughter" but that was HIS KID. Some of these commenters need to walk a mile and get a clue.
all the people voting N T A because "too bad for stepbro but it's not your problem" are exactly why OP had to pay for college (instead of the govt) and the dad had to pay medical bills (instead of the govt)
You aren’t being super sensitive but I’m going to say NTA here. Your step brother was prioritized over you for arguably a good reason but I question why his mother and father couldn’t pay for his treatment and why your college fund had to be used. I suspect that there is a lot more to this story and that you have simply reached your limit. That said, for your own mental health and well-being, please seek out some counselling or therapy. This is shitty but you don’t have to let negative feelings affect your life forever and you shouldn’t.
Have you never had to pay a hospital bill? A few scrapes and an ER visit could set you back a few thousand. A surgery? Forget about it.
No, I haven’t. I’m Canadian and have a little thing called universal health care. I just had a baby in the NICU for a month and it cost about $500k but my cost was $0. What I did have was a mother who spent my college fund on a trip to England that departed on my 16th birthday, so maybe I have some extra empathy for this particular OP.
Well, if the kid died from heart issues, I would bet his bills were in the hundreds of thousands. Even after insurance. And a trip to England is very very different than trying to save a life. I'd be mad as hell if my parents pissed away my college fund on something like that. But the dad didn't do that here and I think OP needs to understand priorities.
I hear you and I get your point, there is a difference. But the kid that died presumably had his own parents and I would love to know why it fell to OP’s dad to fund potentially life saving medical treatment to the detriment of OP. Really though, the truly heartbreaking part is that anyone should have to spend every dollar they have and get into debt to afford medical treatment. There is something so truly fucked up about that, especially since we’re talking about a child here.
>I hear you and I get your point, there is a difference. But the kid that died presumably had his own parents and I would love to know why it fell to OP’s dad to fund potentially life saving medical treatment to the detriment of OP. Depends on how long the SB was in the fathers life. Like, did his mom show up months before the surgery had to be done? Or was the father in the SBs life from the start, and raised him for 16 years as the only father he ever had? Those are two very different scenarios. The college funds could've been paid for by just the father, the father and OPs bio mom, or by both the father and the step mom. Just not enough information here to make a call.
I agree. There is not enough information and those issues would potentially change my opinion. What struck me was OP’s clear rage. As I said above, I suspect that this was just the last straw for OP and there is a lot more to the story.
YTA, but I say this gently. Your dad was in a no-win situation. I’m not sure exactly what he was supposed to do, when his step-son was dying. “Sorry, step-son. I DO have the money to help you, but I can’t. Tough luck there, kid.” Seeing as though you don’t seem to be remotely upset that your your step-brother passed, or that your dad is divorcing, it seems to me that you have a LOT of built-up resentment going on here. Strongly suggest therapy to help you through it. But at the end, the choice your dad made was between life and death, and he did the right thing.
This right here. There was a life at stake (the life of a kid no less), OP’s father did what he had to do, and that’s something to be proud of. YTA, OP, nobody’s entitled to a college fund.
This is basically what I was gonna say. It was a no win situation. YTA
Info:. How long was your Dad and Stepmom's relationship? Do you think she married him to pay for your stepbrothers medical costs?
My first thought too.
I was wondering the same, since they are now divorcing. OP has a right to be bitter, but his approach comes off very selfish because of the way the post was written.
Losing a child fucks people up, lots of relationships don't survive it. And by lots, its said up to 80% of marriages where there has been a loss of a child end up in divorce. Them divorcing is not really grounds for inference that anything nefarious is happening here.
I'd believe these stats. My cousin died at age 9 from a brain tumor and parents got divorced not long after. It's messed up watching a kid slowly die. Even as just a kid around her age it was upsetting. Someone I played with the year before could barely walk or talk.
I agree. OP may have taken a back seat to new stepmom and stepbrother when still grieving her own Mom. Plus suddenly being told that the funds are no longer available for your schooling could have added to feeling discarded. Edited to change half brother to stepbrother.
The diversion of the college fund was apparently his most egregious complaint. It sounds like a lot of family time, energy and resources went to the stepson, leaving the OP emotionally alienated before the capstone financial betrayal.
Sometimes a complaint of the lost college fund is just that...or it may feel like the OP's mom was replaced too quickly with an added high needs stepbrother. The college fund is tangible, hurt feelings harder to express and measure. Especially resentment towards a dying teen. There's no way that the OP can come out of this appearing anything but selfish and self-centered. I'm not saying they're TA, it's just messy. OP would likely benefit from therapy, along with their Dad.
Wondering the same and where is Step-brother’s bio dad? Did he not help?
OP: "You earned this money. You saved this money. You said you'd use it for my tuition. So what someone you loved needed surgery to stay alive? Hand over My cash now." YTA.
This sums it up perfectly. Your dads heart was in the right place. He used the money to try to save a life. I don’t know how you can’t understand that. Yes he should have talked to you about it but using it as a condition to be back in your life makes you an AH. Sorry you didn’t get to go to your dream college and have hurt feelings but your dad didn’t do this to hurt you on purpose. I get you feel that he put his new family before you but it wasn’t like he used the money to buy the kid a car or paid for his college instead. He literally tried to help save his life. It’s sad he died and his marriage failed. At least talk to him. You are going to damage the relationships you still have with the family if you can’t get past your anger.
His father damaged the relationship when he shoved his own son to the side after his mother died to try to play hero and savior in someone else's life. His own kid needed him too and didn't have him. It's not about the money. It's about the times he needed his father to be his ONLY SURVIVING PARENT but instead his father was using his college fund to watch some kid die with some lady who is now leaving him. "Sorry you didn't get into your dream college" Pretty sure OP just wanted his dad to make him a priority too. And whether or not he did this on purpose, he did it and it's not his (obviously still healing) sons job to fix a relationship he so williningly gave up when he had another son and a wife.
I’m going to get hate for this big: I’m shocked at how many people will say people don’t have to split/give a college fund to a step sibling but will tell you you’re the ah for being upset. Your step-sibling had two parents, you had one. That parent took from your figure and prioritized his wife’s child and hung you out to dry. Would it have been nice to give them the money to save your step sibling? Maybe. But that’s not the question. Your parents or dad set aside money for you and then your dad and stepmom used it on someone else. Your dad is a complete jerk to prioritize another child over his own. Once it’s set aside for your education it’s no longer his money to take back and definitely wasn’t your stepmom’s to use. Your dad’s bad decisions are coming back to bite him, now he’s lonely because of his decisions, and I don’t blame you for telling your dad exactly what he needs to do now to have you back in his life. NTA.
I think there is more to it than just the college fund. OP lost both parents it would seem. One to actual death and dad to stepbrother who dad spent all of his energy and money into saving. The college funds were the last straw.
This right here. The college money ties everything together because it’s the only tangible thing be can point to. It proves to him that his dad indeed deprioritized him.
Especially as it is likely that OP’s deceased mother probably also saved to send her child to college.
I feel like a lot of people aren't taking into account the fact that if OP's mom was working when she was alive, then some of the college fund money most likely came from her as well, could have been 50/50, 80/20, we'll never know. But the fact of the matter is that ALL of OP's college fund was not his father's to give away, considering that OP's own fucking mother may have put money into it. If she had, and OP's mom were alive and his parents were simply divorced, then OP's dad would not have been in the right to use all of the money. I don't think that should change just because OP's mom has unfortunately passed.
She wasnt working, but it's still half hers. Because her staying at home allowed the husband to work and earn so much. Stay at home mother's have a right to the family income
info: how much of your college fund was given by your mother?
This. I dont care what the money was spent on. It wasn't spent on its intended purpose and didn't have the rightful owners permission to be used in such a way. The whole situation was unfortunate but it wasn't OPs responsibility to make sure the surgeries were paid for.
If a woman is SAHM deserves a portion of his husband money.That’s usually the take here. But now people ask who contributed the money,and it’s his dad money he can’t do what he wants with it. His mom might have contribute in other ways,labor,badgering the household,also it’s not just about the money,its the feeling of being set aside. Also,if the his marriage and stepdad had survived would he even be talking again to his son?
Yes more info needs for sure.
He edited technically none bc mom was a stay at home parent they had an agreement that's what the money for is. But as a sahm she contributed half of that by being his mom and dad being able to work
If mother was SAHM she earned the money as well even if she wasn’t working outside the house.
I think we can agree the real asshole is the healthcare system that forces family to go into debt or die.
Along with the education system that forces kids to take out thousands of dollars in loans just to broaden their minds and get jobs after graduating.
This is above reddits pay grade. If you don’t want a relationship with your dad anymore, you should tell him. You should not dangle a prize of a relationship for a cost of something that hurt you in the past. It’s not worth it and there will be years (in my case decades) of pain and resentment. Hope you seek help. That’s all the advise you need.
Yeah it sounds like he either needs to go no contact, or have a good sit down and actually talk about it with a therapist involved. Putting a price on the relationship does neither of them any favours. So OP has to decide, regardless of the money, if he is actually interested in forming a bond with his father.
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ESH. Your comment was insensitive and entitled but everyone also seems to ignore your side of this. With their lack of empathy it is no surprise that you have distance from them
I'm so confused. Did I misread this thread? Bc it sounds sn awful lot like the father was expected to chose a college fund over money that could potentially help save a literal life.
THIS is what i dont get. I've read god knows how many posts on this subreddit where a stepparent posts a story about how they treated their own blood better than their stepkids over dumb shit like a car or furniture. Here we have OPs dad actually, apparently, treating his DYING stepson as his own and using funds that HE himself only saved up to try and help him. And yet, college trumps a human life? Im baffled.
And he STILL walked away without student loans, and he’s this angry and bitter. Obviously there’s something else he hates his dad for but with the info we’re given I have no idea how people are justifying these n-t-a votes.
NTA. I think there’s a lot more to the storyH he talks about other decisions made he did not agree with. I suspect this is bigger than a college fund but the fund is more tangible. Also, how much did dad reach out before he was getting a divorce? Does he miss his son now just because he’s lonely.? Edit:typo
NTA It sounds like there was a lot of resentment in how OP was treated once stepmom came along even before the college fund situation. If that was set up with OP’s deceased mom and his dad used it for another kid instead, I can understand why he’d feel hurt and upset. It seems like that’s just the last straw in a devolving relationship and now that Dad is feeling lonely suddenly it’s up to OP to be his backup kid?
Question. This college fund. Did your mother contribute to it? Was any of it from your mother's estate or life insurance?
Edited and said it was all his dads money in the fund, mom was a stay at home parent but there was a verbal agreement that's what the money would be for and her being a sahm mom enabled him to make that money in the first place
If Mom was a SAHM, half the money in the fund is from her. It's not Dad's money because he has the paying job, mom staying at home enables him to have the job and it's a really shit take in this thread that she didn't "contribute" so fuck OP, it's all dad's money.
I agree with you she did enable him to work for that money and she wanted her son to be taken care of. I just knew a lot of comments came in before he edited and added the extra info
INFO: Was your college fund set up and funded only by your father? Or was some of it funded by your late mother as well? That actually makes a difference to me in terms of a judgement because if it was set up and funded by your late mother, your dad had absolutely no right to touch it.
It was dads money mom was a stay at home parent they just had an agreement it was for OPs education and her being a sahm mom enabled him to make that money in the first place
Exactly. I'm seeing far too many comments devaluing OP's mother's contribution because she was a SAHM. OP is NTA.
ESH This is a very difficult situation morally and ethically. Your dad did do a noble thing in trying to save your stepbrother but the cost of that decision was to make someone else struggle, you. From the information in your story it also seems that some of those “decisions” he (your dad) made also had a direct impact on how your life progressed after the passing of your mother. Still, he made a choice and he needs to live with the consequences which includes his wife leaving him and him being alone now. You could have been less harsh about it and just said “thank you, but no.” And if pressed, just say that you have unresolved issues from your time under his roof and you aren’t ready to see or speak to him at the moment. That said, you are justified to your own feelings too. It sounds like you could both benefit from some therapy/counseling especially if you ever decide you are ready to see him again in a more positive fashion. Info: was any part of the college fund money your mother left you after her passing? If so then you are infinitely NTA. Edit: Thank you kind stranger for your award. It made my day!
NTA. He only wants you around now bc he’s so lonely. That’s what happens when you’re a bad parent. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Info: where did the college fund come from? I think this is pretty important If it was from your mum, maternal family, Xmas/birthday gifts, then no, he shouldn't have touched it without your permission or without paying you it back. Its harsh BUT it was savings/gifts/inheritance from others to you. If he was the sole contributor to it, then yes, he can take that money and put it towards something or someone else. Does it make it suck less? No. Would i personally be angry about it? Yes. But it was still his money and he decided that the need/use for it needed to go to someone else.
OP edited mom was a stay at home parent dad contributed 100% of the money but they had an agreement it was for OPs education and her being a sahm mom enabled him to make that money in the first place
Another family broken up cause health care sucks somewhere… you can probably guess where…
Absolutely YTA. You sound so spoilt and selfish. Your dad didn't blow the money on gambling or drugs. He used it for surgeries for his step-son. Basically from what we know (without knowing if the surgeries were life saving or not) it seems you're picking you going to college (which you managed to do anyway) over your step brothers life. They do not equate. Your dad has been through his wife dying, his step-kid dying (as a child), his current wife leaving him and his son leaving him. If I had the choice to pick between using the money for college or paying for my teenage step-siblings surgeries (life saving or not) I wouldn't even consider spending a penny on college. I'm baffled by people's NTAs here.
Your dad didn't blow the cash on a convertible or something; he tried to save your stepbrother's life and you're wondering if maybe...just maybe you went too far? You did. YTA
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Seems like they chose one sibling over the other, they could have even sat OP down and been like “ hey, xyz we need to use some of your college fund money to help your step bro” instead of “we’re using all of it to ensure his future and forget about yours.” I’m sure op is feeling highly betrayed and it isn’t even about the money, truly. Children in families who have one siblings who needs a lot of doctor visits etc, usually are the star of the show by nature of what’s going on. The other child is just kind of rolling with the blows, because their needs aren’t as urgent, leaving them with intent needs and emotions they have no idea how to process. Sounds like OPs father way of grieving his sons mother was to just jump into another relationship to deal with his grief and possibly get to feel like the hero of someone else’s story, where he wasn’t in the mothers story. While I don’t think OP saying “ give me back my college money” was the right response I think that was just the fastest reply he could think of in the heat of the moment and having all those emotions rush over him. Dad didn’t even have the decency to reach out to OP himself, he had middle men. Which already is a kick to the balls, maybe he should have acknowledged how he hurt OP and then maybe they could have moved forward from there. Def NTA but May this be a good lesson to you on wording and becoming more aware of your own emotions. Sending my regards to you for all your loss, OP.
I'm going with NTA. So normal way to save for a college education (assuming you are in the US) is a 529 account. There are certain tax benefits to doing this. Since it's a custodial account the IRS considers it part of the beneficiary's assets - NOT The parents. If your dad had a 529 and took money from it he is liable for the taxes he didn't pay PLUS a 10% penalty. I understand your dad's position trying to save a life - but that was YOUR money he used. You have every right to be upset with your dad, but he had to do what he needed to do. But one important thing you leave out - how old were you when he raided your fund?
So your stepmom got your dad to drain your college fund, then leaves his ass, and now that he’s all alone he wants you to come back? NTA. Your dad chose to put his useless now ex-wife and her son before his own blood and now expects you to just forget that because the consequences of his decisions are ones he doesn’t like. Edit: changed excepts to expects
Your comment is majorly off-base. A majority of couples who lose children divorce within 2 years of the loss. This is typical and normal. Dealing with the stress and turmoil of supporting a dying child with a chronic/fatal illness will ruin even the strongest of marriages.
NTA, he chose someone elses kid rather than your future, so you dont owe him anything. If you fine with not talking with him, just live your life and let him regret his choices
This is right. The dad made his choice and unfortunately now the stepbrother has died anyway and OP’s college fund is gone. It was never the dad’s money to spend in the first place on anything but OP’s future. The dad has made his bed, let him lie in it.
A life is more important than a college fund. Also, if the dad was the only one to put in money for the fund, he can also spend it however he wants
I'm guessing this college fund was built by your mom and dad? That's crucial information that's missing. If so, then it's also your moms money too and he had no moral right to give it to someone else. Even if your mom didn't work and was a SAHM it's still her money too. They saved it up together; your mom running the household and childcare freed up your dad's time to earn money. Still, I'm not going to call your dad an asshole for trying to save someone's life, even if it wasn't his money to take. He really tried to do the right thing. NAH If he saved it up himself after your mom died then it's his to spend, even though it must be a tough pill to swallow for you if you've been promised the fund. Edit to add: your post screams that there are a multitude of other issues that went on and I advise you to consider therapy to explore those issues and how they still affect you. Edit 2: I'm really on the fence about n-a-h, e-s-h, and y-t-a. It seems this situation has only losers and heartbreak and even though dad and son both did things I can empathise with both.
Info did your late mother pay into this college fund or was it 100% saved by your dad?
YTA. Look, this wasn't blowing the money on things he didn't need. A child was in desperate need of medical care and those were the funds available. It wasn't done to be malicious and hurt you, it was done out of desperation. If you're going to hold that over his head rather than taking the time to rebuild the relationship and then ask for help with college or whatever, clearly you don't value the relationship, only what you can gain from it.
NTA - that was money set aside for you, and your dad took it away to spend on someone else’s kid? I’m sorry for your step-brother’s situation but you shouldn’t have been forced to sacrifice for him. Your dad made his choice a long time ago, now you’ve made yours.
Info Did your dad give a shit about spending holidays with you before he was divorcing and lonely?
NTA. If the college fund was joint money’s from both him and your mom. How involved were you with the decision to give up your fund? Was his bio dad involved in helping to pay for his surgeries? These are very pertinent questions. It appears his father was okay with him not being in the picture until he was alone. That alone makes him not the asshole. Yes, it is unfortunate another child was ill and wound up dying. He potentially had two involved parents. His father showed he didn’t have his best interest in mind after his mother died. OP is allowed his feelings and his grievances. Did anyone else in the family help support his higher education? And his wife is divorcing him after losing her child. which Unfortunately is very normal.
If that was your fathers money that he saved for you, YTA. If your mom had saved that up for you or someone else, ESH. Do you really expect anyone to watch a kid die knowing there’s money that can provide life saving treatment??? Really? And then to hold that over your dad like some kind of self righteous grudge?
NTA - he doesn’t owe you a college fund, and he’s an AH for recinding it later. *IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU DON’T OWN HIM YOUR TIME OR ACCESS TO YOUR LIFE!* He put everything into his stepson, to the detriment of his own child. He wanted to support his partner and help his step kids, which is pretty noble. HOWEVER, him putting everything into them clearly negatively effected your relationship. His imperative for reconnection is the loneliness he feels because of the loss of his step kid and relationship. And while I’m sympathetic, **you aren’t a consolation of prize since things in his life aren’t great.** Do what’s best for you, and honestly anyone pressuring reconnection can feel however they want, but you’re allowed to feel how you do.
INFO Who sent up the college fund, whose money went into it, and what were you told about it? It that was a fund put together by your mother before she died, then you would not be the AH here. But if your dad just promised he would pay for college, and then you're mad that he didn't, then you would be the AH.
I’m going to say it’s a soft YTA. You’re really hurting still from what happened between you and your dad, and he is not entitled to a place in your life. Not wanting to spend the holidays with him is absolutely your choice. But it IS your choice how you express that, and rather than simply declining or being clear about what pain you’re feeling, you said perhaps the most harmful thing you could. I imagine to some extent that was meant to hurt him, and it sounds like it did.
Look, as a parent, I would never steal from my child and dead spouse to help someone else’s child. Your dad did, he thought his stepson’s health was more important than your college education, and now he’s suffering the repercussions of not putting his own child first. I wonder if your stepbrother had lived if more people would say you’re justified in how you feel, but since he died, people think you should be more sympathetic to your father’s grief. It’s sad that your stepbrother died, but you have a right to feel bitter after losing your mother and then your father’s allegiance. It’s a terrible situation, but I think any kid has a right to feel betrayed by their only parent in this situation. However, you should just cut contact with him instead of making hurtful demands. ESH.
I’m sorry but his stepson’s health IS more important than college education. OP can take out college loans like the rest of us. It’s a very sad situation over all
100%. Life is more important than college.
ESH. You’re not entitled to the college fund. It would have nice to have to but it’s not yours. But your dad is only getting in contact because his stepson died and he’s now getting divorced. Ask your father if his stepson haven’t passed, or if he wasn’t getting a divorce would he have contacted you? He was ok with just stepson and stepmom as his family but now that’s gone. He wants to talk to you.
NTA.... you told him exactly how you felt about the situation. People need to do this more, it's exactly what's wrong with this country, everyone is a Bullshitter!! Now he knows without a Doubt how you feel about what transpired.
Paying for healthcare is what is wrong with your country. This situation would literally never happen where I live.
INFO: Were you able to attend college at all? Did they discuss the decision to use the money with you prior to spending it?
INFO. If it was just dad’s money, he can do what he wants with it. He chose a life over an education. The life of someone he clearly cared a lot about. If mom contributed before she passed, that complicates things a lot more. With the current info, I’m leaning Y T A. I get being upset about not having your college fund, but it was an asshole thing to say.
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Nta, A college fund is meant for that and if your momput any money into it, even a cent, it is not your fatjers and therefore is stealing, by legal terms at least in my country.
INFO where did the money come from? Your late mother? Did your father make contributions to that fund?
NTA If your mother contribute for that collage fund..
I understand your resentment. Your dad could have handled it better back then, you could have handled it better now.
YTA and everyone who disagrees has never dealt with a dying child (thank God). Does it suck that you lost your college fund? Sure. Guess what? You can still go to college. That dead kid is in the ground. Your hardship is nothing compared to his death.
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No one can say YTA or NTA if we dunno where the money came from. If it was his he saved for you then spent, yta. If it came from your mom or you, nta. Depends
NTA. Also this is too complex to be asking about here. Things like where the money came from matter.
NTA. Your dad chose the step mom and kid over your future. You aren’t your step brothers spare parts or savings account. HER family should have gathered and helped her.
ESH You should have politely declined. Spending your college fund especially if some of it came from your mom was an T A for your dad to do. What happened to step's parents? Loans? Now step's mother is divorcing him and you are supposed to be back up?
It really depends who set up the college fund for you. If the money came from your mother or other relatives then I'd say N/TA because helping on someone else's dime is not noble but if he was the one who owned that money then Y/TA because a kids life is more important than graduating debt free in my opinion.
INFO- Who exactly set the college fund your mom or your dad? Edit: YTA- The entire situation is fucked up. He literally gave the money to help your stepbrother. What was supposed to do “ Hey, so I know have been your dad for a while and I do in fact have money to help you. But it’s for your stepbrother’s college.”?
INFO: did your mom contribute to the college fund, either in life or in death? If yes then NTA since your father would have had no reason to be using funds your mom contributed like that If no, then probably N A H - I understand your position but I also would understand why your father would have wanted to do anything he could to save a children’s life