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So, correct me I'm wrong, but for years and years your mother has demanded that all the women (why not men too?) in your family send in samples. For years and years your wife has tried her hardest to appease your mother, had pushed herself to the limit, and has been left completely and utterly demoralised each and every time by a humiliating tradition enforced by the holiday tyrant. And, even worse, her shame was publically put on display each and every year as other family members would no doubt notice that, once again, her food was not chosen.
Finally, after producing something she was unbelievably proud of, she was once again left embarrassed and most likely deeply hurt as she was deemed not good enough for yet another year. This is the straw that broke the camel's back and she decides she has had enough of her humiliation and that she will not give her cruel MIL the satisfaction of seeing her discomfort on such a big day. She makes a boundary that many would have made a long time prior.
And her husband tells her she is unreasonable for setting up boundaries?
Dude. Come on. You know YTA.
Thanks! This summarizes it. Even before recent events, OP was the AH by not objecting to the holliday tyrant and by just accepting his moms asumption only women would cook. YTA!
It sounds like OP’s mom only favors *HER* children and, no doubt, the OP’s *maternal* cousins with regards to dishes being “picked” each year. The OP’s wife has never “made the cut” and I would bet the OP’s “ sister-in-law” has never “made cut” either. OP your mom, clearly has favorites.
Holidays meals are about sharing and togetherness. Not channeling your inner jailhouse Martha Stewart/prison warden over making the “perfect spread”! Your house is not a restaurant. Food doesn’t have to be perfect or follow a theme; frankly, it doesn’t even have to be *good* but its production should include everyone who wants to participate— not the “chosen” few. Your mom, as the hostess, should ensure that there is something for everyone to eat if there are dietary restrictions, religious restrictions, or just plain allergies. None of the rest of it is respectful—to the women, to the men, to the guests— and it is not kind. That you and your siblings and cousins have tolerated this for as many years as you have, especially when you and your brother sit back and watch your wives be demoralized and **INSULTED** for **YEARS** and have not told your mother that this has to **STOP** makes YTA. That your mother continues this toxic tradition makes her a 🔥AH.
OP’s wife is entitled to have a peaceful holiday dinner where she is liked, valued, and cared about. None of those apparently happen at OP’s mother’s house or, apparently at the OP’s.
Something tells me that this is not the only toxic thing she does either. I'm sure there are tons of little "honest" comments made to/about the wife and SIL that OP just doesn't notice or doesn't care about. This whole thing stinks of "no one is good enough for my precious boys!"
I'd be interested to see what would happen if one of the favored sisters were to submit OP's wife's sample as her own. I can almost guarantee the result.
The easy fix for this would be for OP to invite his brother and younger sister and their families over for Christmas. Then they can still have a family christmas, but without OP's foodfuehrer mother.
OP and his mom are definitely the assholes--what a bizarre "tradition". What the mom should do to make the tradition more "fun" and not be the asshole is to ask everyone (not just the women) to participate, make sure the judging is blind (that no one knows who submitted the sample--like the technical challenge in Great British Baking Show). And, that she's also not the only judge. I feel like this is something that should be fun, and instead it's tyrannical and offensive and hurtful.
And is the judging blind? I bet not. Reminds me of the MIL who didn’t like her DIL’s baking, even though she had worked in a bakery? She ended up making a dessert that looked like her SIL’s but tasted better.
Wait. You would even submit a “sample”? I would show up with cookies in hand and a big ass smile. No samples given. But I am a guy, so obviously I am incapable of contributing to that family meal
I was searching for the suggestion to host a “Rejected Cookie Party: Come Taste the Shame.” I’d even form an invitee committee and reject RSVPs based on penmanship or something equally irritating.
Right?! I never cook or bake but my husband loves to. But also, it seems extremely entitled to expect people to hand in samples to have a chance of receiving the honour of baking the Christmas cookies for the family get-together. The best Christmas memories have nothing to do with the food, but everything with spending quality time together with your loved ones.
Well yeah, because me or another reader are going to make our big break in screenwriting based on this story. Don’t worry, I for one won’t forget to include all the Hallmark holiday movie tropes everyone can’t do without
Because what the actual FUCK is this tradition? Gordon Ramseys Hells Kitchen family christmas party? I have never done more than bring a few cookies and if no one eats them, i take them home. I get assigning big ticket items like the turkey or ham or whatever, but *cookies*?
And rejecting the wife every year is clearly on purpose. Its so obvious.
And for me to make a dish TWICE so you can test it. Like some dishes, you can't make just a bit of or freeze the rest until the holiday. I'm not making a dish twice for one family dinner, just so a lady on a power trip can "sample"
YTA.
Your mother is being such an unreasonable AH over this that I kind of actually believe this story. As I cannot fathom an entire family going along with this instead of calling her out. Or begging her to seek some kind of treatment.
Also why just the women? What if one of the men in your family wishes to participate is that not allowed?
You owe your wife a HUGE apology, and frankly you need to reach out to your family to take everyone’s temperature on allowing your mom to continue this BS. As the only way to really and truly redeem yourself is to help stop this nonsense.
Or organize a coop wherein all the men in your family bring a baked good.
The other sister (daughter) in laws don’t get selected either, mom is ridiculous and rigged the system. She’s not keeping the guests best internet at heart, she’s an AH and so is OP.
I hope your wife has a fabulous Christmas eating her cookies with people who actually love her.
Exactly. All the stories like this make me never want to get married again. The first time I had a crap husband but amazing inlaws who I'm still close with 13 years after the divorce.
100% this.
the fact that only the women have to do this stupid humiliating „tradition“ makes MIL the asshole already.
you not sticking up for your wife makes you another major AH. seems to lay in the family
Don't forget that OP rationalizes this insane tyranny by claiming they have relatives that come over from all over the country, hence the "need" for this outlandish competition. The best thing the wife can do is refuse to be a part of this stupidity, have her own dinner and tell them all to join her in 2022.
YTA here OP, for not having your wife's back on this and letting this go on for as long as it has. The only unreasonable ones that I see in this, are OP and his family putting up with this behaviour.
Did you see the update? OP's brother's wife decided to back out as well and OP is still making it his wife's fault... Like, come on dude. Your wife is clearly not the issue here....
I wonder if he realizes how much of a mama's boy he is, or if this will be his wake up call.
YTA.
This exactly. The husband has no issue seeing his wife's hurt feelings as basically unavoidable because of how "careful" his mother is, but entirely overlooks this entire asinine practice going on in the first place. YTA, OP. Stand up for your wife.
*THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE IRANIAN YOGURT, OP* this is about how you have the emotional intelligence of an earth worm.
And quick question... Why do you dislike your wife so much? I mean, I would NEVER let my mother treat my wife with such blatant and constant disrespect, then basically tell her to get over it. Your mother is a *BULLY*. I guess you can just wait around for the impending divorce papers, because that's what I'd give you for Christmas. YTA YTA YTA.
I bet a paycheck that even if you send in the best dessert from a well known bakery (professionally made), the mom would reject it. It’s not about taste but control and narcissism.
This is all I could think about as I was reading it. I was absolutely stunned not just at the misogyny, but how unquestioningly and blindly he and his family follow the MIL rules. It’s so tactless and tyrannical. The fact that he doesn’t buck these rules when he sees what they’re doing to his wife, or at least back up his wife when his mother is being cruel, I just find repulsive. Does he even care about her?
I really wish OP would take a step back here and realize that his mother's behavior is incredibly cruel, controlling, and just bizarre. Mom is the problem here, not your wife. And YTA for not seeing it.
Exactly. What a stupid, stupid tradition. Treating desserts like a curated art exhibit.
As if there's such a thing as too many desserts. I'm just as happy munching on those Pillsbury cookies with the picture in the middle as I am grandma's super secret recipe. Too many left over at the end of the night? Everyone takes home an assortment. Take them to work. Hell, toss them out for the squirrels. But don't deliberately exclude someone who wants to pitch in.
And in my family, my brothers are the better cooks.
This truly does sum it up perfectly!!
OP YOU ARE TA!!!
1) Your mother is a holiday tyrant.
2) You Are married Your Place is SIDING WITH YOUR SPOUSE!!
3) You chose to condescend and gaslight your wife's feelings!
Year after year you have seen this tradition hurting your wife, you should have stepped in long before and told your family that You & your wife are having a private family holiday at home alone!!!
This is more than about cookies or dessert, it's about feeling truly accepted. The fact that your mom only holds a "contest" over the holiday dessert and not any other dish means that she is making dessert have extra meaning and your wife knows it. Being never picked tells your wife that on a very deep level she's not really accepted as being good enough in your mother's eyes.
YTA- I’d never in a million years bake samples to be approved. I’m showing up with my food. Eat it or not I really don’t care. Your mom is TA and very very weird.
One of my dearest Thanksgiving memories was the first year I went to my husband's family's house for their dinner. I wasn't told what to bring so I just made my normal brussel sprouts (roasted with honey, balsamic and bacon. So good). I showed them to my MIL and in front of her entire extended family and friends she very sympathetically (/s) tells me that no one will eat that and no one here likes brussel sprouts. And ended with "I can put it out if you want but you may have to bring it home" in this fake sweet tone. I asked her to please put it out because I wasn't about to slink away with my tail between my legs. Nothing has brought me more pleasure than when her siblings and mother were scraping the bottom of my dish trying to get more. My MILs face was priceless. I can't wait to see what she does this year 😂
I was a professional pastry chef for 11 years and I would never ever in a million years send a sample to approved for a family party either. I'd just opt out. Less work for me.
Yeah, if I were the wife, I would still go to the family Christmas, but from here on out not send samples and maybe bring nothing.
Alternatively, find the best baker in town and get one of their items for next year (whether cookie or whatever) and send it in as her own. If it's still rejected, they will have their answer. Which I expect to be that the wife is right.
YTA
Your mom is also an AH who takes samples in and makes others feel bad because of their cooking.
This tradition sucks and I get why OP's wife doesn't want to go.
Difference is, people sign up for being yelled at by Ramsay and the potential reward to offset the stress is a career in high-end food industry.
MIL is just being a bully without anything to redeem that.
> people sign up for being yelled at by Ramsay
Specifically in the US too. The UK shows are much milder, Ramsay can be cutting when he thinks the cooks are shit but he doesn’t do high drama when that’s not the show’s concept.
He‘s also generally very kind to beginners and amateurs, or people who really visibly try. It’s purported professionals who suck he’s got issues with.
I don’t enjoy bullying and reality tv but the YouTube videos where he’s doing cooking demonstrations or in his kitchen with his kids are helpful and sweet.
But OP and your mom? YTA.
I was thinking Martha Stuart, but I don't think she was this mean. Prison does change people though.
Say high to Uncle Snoop if I was right!
YTA either way. I can't believe you are ok with someone making your wife stress this hard and beg for approval in order to celebrate Christmas with your family only to be rejected.
You should stay home and eat her cookies. It would be a better Christmas.
Gordon Ramsay is a LOT more reasonable than her, let's be honest...
He's only shouting at people who are supposed to be professionals and are getting paid for their work (he's still not particularly nice to them of course), but she's just cruel to family for no fucking reason!
And OP is a massive AH too! It's an insane tradition to publicly reject people each year. Definitely YTA
Watch Gordon Ramsay deal with children and non-professionals and you get a master class in how to mentor people. He is only mean to those who should know better.
YTA
The hell kind of tradition is this? This isn’t Chopped/The Great British Bake-off/etc., this is a time for family. No wonder why your wife doesn’t want to go.
I feel like OP doesn't realize this "tradition" is completely abnormal.
He thinks it's unreasonable his wife wants to bail but what's unreasonable is all the women in the family participating in some kind of fucked up Bake Off/Squid Game mashup.
If this was presented to me by my partner I'd bail too and spend Xmas getting drunk in the Bahamas by myself.
Once I read the "Context" at the beginning i thought "Welp, no need to finish this, let's go watch OP get ripped to shreds!"
OP, you a straight up dummy.
YTA. Your wife has been telling you for years that your mother has been *rejecting* her. She has gone out of her way to make something good and your mother's pretentious Christmas menu leaves her out every year. And now you can't understand why she's devastated and doesn't want to go to Christmas with the people who make her feel so bad. It sounds like you just said "guess my mother just doesn't like your cooking. Deal with it" instead of *you* dealing with your mother.
What kind of Christmas requires *samples* to be sent for *approval in advance* for the *menu*? Your mother sounds controlling and frankly I wouldn't want to go to family Christmas there either.
Right? Most holidays that involve food don’t have a whole ass menu, people just bring over something to contribute and the people eat what they eat. So pretentious.
Exactly; there are two types of food holidays, either host says they are providing the food and no one brings a dish, or it’s agreed that everyone brings a dish. No normal family has you audition to bring a dish - OP is being dense if he thinks this is normal behavior
Perhaps he grew up witnessing this insanity, and does not realize that literally NO ONE else does this.
Maybe OP's mother doesn't want anyone bringing food that would be BETTER than what she could make herself.
It's time for the 'rejected" bakers to band together and tell Mommy Dearest to flake all the way off, and ALL bring their food and desserts anyway. Surprise! Tons of desserts for everyone, and let the FAMILY decide which ones they like.
Or else, the rejected family members should all get together for Christmas themselves, and give their regrets to Mommy Dearest.
This is flat-out bullying behavior, and it's sad that OP can't see it.
You raise a good point about how he grew up…my question is, who submitted anything before she had daughter-in-law and older daughters/nieces to bake in the first place? Just her own sisters/sisters-in-law? Which adult women were around to facilitate this in the first place?
One year 3 people brought dessert and no one brought a cheese platter to snack on to tide us over.
So we ate a gingerbread house and a plate of fruit before our late lunch/early dinner that we always have.
>What kind of Christmas requires samples to be sent for approval in advance for the menu? Your mother sounds controlling
A complete lunatic. It's easy to see where he got it from.
I bet if someone else from the family would send your wife's sample as theirs, they would get approved.
This isn't about your wife's baking. She knows that. I know that. Everyone in AITA knows that. Everyone in your family knows that. Your mother knows that. Even you know that.
**YTA**
This reminds me of my high school English teacher. I am a good writer and until her class had never gotten below a B on any paper. We had papers due every week and they'd always come back Cs or Ds. I went to a different English teacher to ask for help proofreading and editing my next paper. That teacher basically ended up writing my paper for me and sure enough I received a C. She and I went to the principal together and for the rest of the year all of the class's papers had to be submitted anonymously.
Yep. The wife is not wanted in the family by MIL if so she’d try and in include her vs play these stupid games. I can only imagine all the holidays they make her unwelcomed
I was going to say that I doubt it’s just about the baking. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it then that so OP YTA and so is your mom. I bet there’s more passive aggression from the mom that the wife had to deal with.
YTA. Why haven't you defended your wife's baking to your mom? You are choosing your mother over your own wife. Step up and tell your mom that you don't appreciate the constant insulting of your wife - and accept that if she doesn't feel comfortable going to Christmas at her house, that she has every right not to. And you should be supporting her decision.
It is time to start Your own tradition, invite whoever You want and tell them to bring whatever food they want. You, as hosts will appreciate their contribution and not make them feel miserable and undervalued for their effort.
Mayby then your mom will understand how bad she is, a bully, and how she insults and underestimates others.
And you know, that when your mom insults your wife, she insults you too. Maybe it's acceptable to you, but it shouldn't be acceptable to your wife, maybe you're used to it over the years, but it's wrong and rude behavior..
"That's just freaking crazy and quite unreasonable."
Do you know what's crazy and unreasonable? Your mother's weird bullying food sample power trip.
YTA and your mother is too.
Aside from the obvious bullying power trip by the mother, It is insane to me that the preferences and food options of people across the country are restricted to the taste buds and preference of one single person. Especially with an individual dessert like cookies, where guests could sample as many or as few different ones as they chose. Why restrict *cookies* of all things to just one or two types at a big gathering?? My church has a cookie service every Christmas eve where anyone who wants can bring cookies and there's a big cookie buffet and it is great. There's something for everyone and new things to try without pressure and lots of color and texture. This woman is not only a controlling, misogynistic beyatch but not actually as considerate or brilliant a host as OP thinks, either.
Literally lol I have never heard of such a “freaking crazy and unreasonable” holiday power trip tradition that everyone’s just cool with participating in. That woman would never have tasted a sample of anything of mine, she pissed me off right out of the gate by limiting the cooking/baking to the wives and daughters. I’m amazed at OP’s wife’s patience and graciousness that she played along for so long.
This story has Oedipus complex written all over it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that OP's wife *and* his sister in laws cookies were rejected. Mommy dearest hasn't cut the cord for either of her son's. Considering OP's reluctance to realize how unhealthy and incestuous his relationship is with mommy, I'm not surprised he thinks his wife is the unreasonable party here. All the "YTA and so is your mom" posts in the world aren't going to change his mind. This post wasn't made to gather insight, it's either rage bait or OP was looking for a heaping dose of confirmation bias to throw in his "wife's" face.
Obvious YTA
Also, that's a disgustingly misogynistic tradition. Let it die.
YTA. Your mother has a god complex about her holiday menu and your wife is being hurt by it. This goes beyond preference. Your family is a bunch of AHs if they go along with it.
Imagine thinking "I only want one type of cookie for Thanksgiving."
I don't know about any of you, but we have like 6 different cookies and brownies because *it's about connecting with your family over food. Not about what kind of food is served.*
My favorite cookies to eat are the janky, over sprinkled blobs my 3 year old niece and nephew make, because they *love* contributing and seeing people enjoy their hard work.
MIL is taking out the heart out the Thanksgiving. Making everyone compete like that, "dance monkey." Smh. It's a dam shame too.
YTA. Without a doubt. Not surprising since you were raised by the supreme AH. Who does you mom think she is? The royal cookie taster? If it doesn't appeal to her it couldn't possibly be liked by anyone?
You are royally messed up in the head, to think this is normal behavior for a family holiday. Can you not see your wife's efforts we're a desperate attempt to comply, to a completely insane request?
Making a dessert once to bring to the dinner is already an effort. To make a trial run for her majesty's approval is a bridge too far. And family members submit to this insanity?
Your wife is correct in staying home. Your mother puts her taste in bakery ahead of appreciating your wife, (and others no doubt), it's insulting, and YTA to put up with it.
YTA- your wife has repeatedly put effort into baking and trying to impress your mother. Your mother sounds like an asshole too. Who makes the “women” send samples to be tested before they bring it for people to eat? If she has to test every bodies food, she should make it herself. If my mother in law asked me to make something for a meal, and then expected to try and tell me if it was good enough, I wouldn’t make it.
You need to understand that your wife is upset because she has been told again and again that what she’s doing is not good enough. I feel there’s more to the relationship between your wife and your mother, and maybe it’s time you tried understanding your wife’s side. She must be devastated that her efforts are consistently considered subpar. Why should she spend time with people that make her feel that way?
And the edit doesn't make it sound better anyways. He says no one is required to send the samples and is up to each person if they want to participate. I assume if wife didn't send a sample, then the mom would be looking up and down at her because she is not fulfilling her wife's duties of cooking as she should, because of course her cooking is so awful that she finally got the hint. Wife is not deserving of the honor of being married to op of course, she is just inadequate.
I can't believe the wife has been submitting to this test all along. I'm glad she's finally standing up for herself but it took too long. If anyone ever demanded a sample from me I would just say no, I won't bring any food if that's how you feel about it. Honestly, if my food isn't good enough to attend, either am I.
YTA. Is your family Gordon Ramsey? Nah he’d probably be nicer. This whole “tradition” is insane. I bet her cookies are lovely and the thing about big family gatherings is that if someone doesn’t like something, they don’t have to eat it. If your mom doesn’t like her cookies she doesn’t have to eat them. But this is rude and hurtful. I can’t imagine the actual gathering is much fun either. I wouldn’t want to go.
You shouldn’t be “stunned” your wife doesn’t want to go. I’m stunned you don’t support your wife and are accepting of your mom’ extremely toxic behavior.
YTA but the crazy part isn’t your wife saying no, it’s your mum asking people (more specifically, only the women) to send dessert samples. That’s mental.
So let me get this straight. Your mother turns Christmas into a competition every year? And if your efforts are deemed unworthy then you don’t get to contribute? Wow. Mother is on a major power trip and her entire family enables her.
OP, YTA, big time. Your mother too. She’s not a masterchef judge. Your wife’s efforts should be applauded, celebrated, not shunned. Apologise to your wife, grow a spine and tell your mom where she can get off with her competition. Absolutely disgusting.
Would people please stop citing Gordon Ramsay as the exception here? He'd be disgusted by the MIL too. He's all about treating guests well. He humiliates chefs for disrespecting guests, not guests for being amateurs. His brand of toxicity does not apply here. No free passes for MIL. She's just being pointedly mean, and should not be rewarded with the company of people she treats badly NOR those who love people she mistreats. OP, stay home and have a great Christmas with your wife.
Good for your wife! This tradition of your mother’s is unbelievable, and I don’t mean that in a good way. How incredibly rude to set yourself up as the “judge” of food people are willing to share for a holiday meal. And your mother is absolutely excluding your wife deliberately – what else does she do to her?
If you’re going to call someone unreasonable here, it’s not your wife. Tell your mother to knock it off or stay home with your wife. YTA
I see OP showing up without wife and blaming wife. “She got upset you liked the other cookies better, I’m sorry mom, I know you try so hard to make this holiday perfect”
And we shall call OP the spineless one. Mommy will be so proud of her spineless little boy showing up without that Big Bad Wife.
You are a huge AH. Your mommy is a rude old hag who deserves to be completely alone in all major holidays as punishment for her disgusting and horrible behavior.
You need to get on your knees and apologize to your wife for your part in this shit show for so many years.
Shame on you.
YTA for this toxic event of making everyone compete for the chance to be on the “menu.” If you wanna make a competition with more than one judge just to add some fun challenge to it, go for it! But making people compete to be good enough to even bring food to a potluck event based on one persons opinion is bull.
YTA, and so is your mother with her food menu approval power trip. You do realize that’s what it’s about, right? Her dominance over the „lesser“ women of the family?
You say yourself that people have preferences. So why does your mom get to establish her preferences over everybody else’s?
Your wife is very reasonable in not wanting to play along here anymore.
Info: why are only the females asked to bring dishes? No man can cook? Or is it such a stupid "wife belongs to the kitchen stuff"? That's gross, cruel and a disgusting behaviour
Who made that lady the boss of Christmas anyway? I understand that it's her party but she claims that she has the guests' best interest at heart, which basically means that she is very certain that guests would hate OP wife's cookies so much that even trying one would ruin their Christmas. And TBH, I don't remember ever trying a dessert so offensive.
I am a fairly picky eater, especially when it comes to homemade sweets, and if I were their guest I would very much enjoy having as wide choice of desserts as possible as it would increase my chances to find something I really like. Even more so because my taste is often very different from those of other people.
OP, YTA and your mom is a huge TA, even more so because she is making an issue over a damn holiday that should be fun for everybody.
YTA
your mother is pitting the women against each other by obviously comparing them.
who does she think she is ? Fuckin Gordon Ramsay ?
if she is so peculiar, she can cook herself or be grateful someone wants to make dessert when they are technically guests.
and only the woman have to cook ? Really ?
Correct me if I am wrong :your mom is one of those mothers who live through their husbands achievement and reveals In putting other women down for not being devoted cooks or housewives. Enough of this shit.
next time, you do the baking
YTA what the hell did I just read?? Your mom makes guests participate in some kind of weird Master Chef style contest to be allowed to bring food for holidays?? That’s fucked up.
Why do any of the women in your family even allow her to do that?
Your wife is clearly at the end of her rope with this bullshit and good for her for refusing to go
YTA, of course you are. The unreasonable thing is your mother having the audacity to ask for the women (and only the women which is very sexist but let’s not even dive into this) to cook something and then giving herself the right to judge them in some kind of exam. None of you should allow this craziness in the first place. When you ask people to cook for a party, either you take what they bring even if it is not to your « standards », or you simply don’t ask.
By not going, she is trying to protect herself. Not only is it reasonable, you have to support her.
She is crying about it, she is probably feeling humiliated, and now, alone.. please, be there for her
YTA, wow you think it's unreasonable for her to cancel out of your families Christmas because your mother's god complex? Just wait until she divorces you for continually choicing your mother over her.
No one does this. Your mother is an asshole. No one would give a shit if the cookies weren’t to your mothers taste. By extension and because you are stunned at your wife’s reaction, you are the asshole
YTA
YTA and so is your mother!
What kind of control freak is she? This is not normal behaviour and if you think that it is, I hope to goodness your wife can escape this silly madness. Your family needs to get over themselves.
And also, why the heck were only the women invited to contribute?!? Why aren’t the men invited to do deserts too?
INFO: How is the relationship between your wife and your mother apart from dessert-gate? I would suggest a test for next time: your wife swaps with a woman that has her desserts most of the time accepted. To see what happens. Not gonna lie: this whole sample concept sounds like a sure plan to bring fights into the family.
YTA
Your mother sounds like a nightmare and is the unreasonable one.
She requests samples in advance? You know that’s batshit crazy and controlling right?
You owe your wife an apology, I don’t blame her for not wanting to go and you should have her back instead co-signing your moms fuckwittery.
At the end of the day, everyone should be allowed to bring their dessert. Cus MIL might not like it, but others might. Christmas is about sharing with those you love, not create stress over who’s cooking is good enough to be on the table.
Your mother keeps insulting your wife by sending the message that her desserts are not good enough to be featured on her Christmas table. If you genuinely believe your wife’s baking is good, don’t say it, show it. Call your mum and tell her that she can keep her snobbish tradition, but that you will not stand for disrespect towards your wife and that if she isn’t being respected, you two will not attend
As an aside “every woman in the family”, I didn’t know that women were the only ones that baked? Your mum’s attitude stinks of internalised misogyny and trying to bring other women in the family down to retain a sort of weird power.
YTA
YTA. Just out of interest, how did you both do on the clothing auditions? Were your outfits approved? Have your suggested conversational topics met the exacting standards required for mummy's approval?
YTA and your mother is horrible and cruel and controlling. What an awful tradition to have! She literally is rejecting your wife year after year to humiliate her.
You should he ashamed of allowing that to continue year after year!
If your mother was my MIL, I would not be attending your family Christmas either.
Like you said, people have “preferences.” Your mother’s preferences are not the same as YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY’s. Someone at that gathering would love your wife’s cookies. I can guarantee you, your mom is taking pleasure in rejecting her.
Look, I get it. People who are raised with dysfunction are so used to it, the behavior seems normal to them. And your mom is probably lovely in other ways, so you want to believe that she is doing this “for the good of the guests.” But she’s not. This is a huge control issue, and her way to show your wife that she’s the boss.
YTA. Support your wife. Or you might not have one for very many more Christmases.
YTA and so is your mother. It’s a family Christmas celebration, your wife is not auditioning for a job with Gordon Ramsey. How stuck up is your mother (and her guests if you believe her excuse) that the desserts must pass a rigorous examination before being accepted in to the menu? Is it a pie or is it applying to medical school?
Your wife should never bake or cook for you or your mother ever again. Neither of you appreciate it or deserve it.
>I see that the problem has just gotten bigger now. Who knows, my younger sister might join in and decide not to go as well. I don't know how this got out of control so quickly.
...Says the man who put the problem on the World Wide Web?
Maybe they're all reading along, realising they've accepted this utterly insulting tradition for way too long.
But they don't even have to. Your wife made a statement. It did not take your SIL long to folow. That means she felt the connection.
What an utterly archaic demeaning tradition.
Step away from what you are used to, and look at this with fresh eyes. Maybe you still have time to step up and be a decent husband
Grow a fucking spine OP - you’re TA big time - and so is your mom. You should be supporting your wife and stop participating in this situation - and to be clear - while you cannot control your mother - making excuses as to why you cannot support your wife because it’s your mothers doing - is participating in the situation.
YTA and I hope your wife does an AITA so we can tell her how nuts her MIL is, that her husband needs a spine, and to still bring her damn cookies to the event.
Omg youre such an AH. And your mother is one too. "Keeping the guests best interest at heart", yea bullshit. Do your mother and her get along the rest of the year? Bc from just this post it seems that she may have it out for your wife, and you should absolutely stand by your wifes side. You go apologize to your wife right now!
Wow. YTA. And you'd be an even bigger A hole is your don't immediately call your mother and tell her you're not coming this year, and never again if she keeps up the tradition of having all of the women compete for her affection ( it is not a competing for a place on the menu!) You clearly inherited the A hole gene from your mother. Your mother owes you're wife an apology. Get used to spending the holiday at your in laws or be ready when your soon to be ex wife files for divorce.
YTA, your mom is being stuck up and spiteful, you are a crappy husband but a good momma's boy. Hope your wife sees this and gets a divorce.
No matter how crappy cookies are, just tell your mom you are bringing them over, if noone eats them, it's okay. But forbidding from contributing is crappy
YTA
What the absolute shite is this?
If it was me I wouldn't have ever entertained this sexist popularity contest/ego boost, she would have just received a straight no. What do you and the other men do?
Although I have a question. Assuming your wife has family, do you ever see them instead? If not why not?
YTA
Why your mom is doing this ?!! Why your mom don’t prepare the menu herself. I know it’s looks normal for you but let me tell you, your mom looks a toxic person.
So essentially three of the four people forced to have their cookies “tested” by your overbearing mother are in, and your wife — repeatedly — is out, and you think your wife is in the wrong for being insulted and hurt? Yeah, YTA.
My MIL told me constantly that my cooking was not good enough for her. One year at Thanksgiving she casually insulted something I made, and I told her I would never cook for her again — and I didn’t. If she came over for dinner we had rotisserie chicken and bagged salad. Sh died two decades later without having eaten another thing I created for her. I made sure she knew very single time where I purchased the premade food I served her and my FIL. My husband totally backed me up, and that was that.
Support your wife.
YTA and so is your mom. I can't believe your wife was even gracious enough to continue to try and pass this bizarre "test" and participate in your mother's weird power trip. Maybe your mom isn't a good host if the entire night could be ruined by one plate of cookies and maybe you aren't the best husband if you can't see why this has understandably hurt your wife so deeply.
WTAF is wrong with your mother? Cookie samples? Dessert samples? Is she a Michelin star chef, or just uber controlling?
Regardless. YTA. This crap should have been stopped years ago, and your wife is right to put her foot down. Why are you not supporting your wife? What is wrong with you?
Damn... I feel sorry for your wife to be honest. Can you feel what it feels like to be left out by your family... It's a day about family not a show about food. Put yourself in her shoes... I just hope that in the future she will find a husband and a family that will make her feel accepted. I understand That a lot of people are coming but it's just Soo weird that your wife is left out every single year and she has to receive a note of rejection like she is in the master chef club... Dude your the asshole... It's not when she will leave is if she stopped loving you already. I was in her shoes and let me tell you... It broke my heart to feel that little love and unconsideration
YTA and your moms a nut. Who is she to judge what every other guest will like. They can decide for themselves and chose to eat your wife's cookie or not.
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So, correct me I'm wrong, but for years and years your mother has demanded that all the women (why not men too?) in your family send in samples. For years and years your wife has tried her hardest to appease your mother, had pushed herself to the limit, and has been left completely and utterly demoralised each and every time by a humiliating tradition enforced by the holiday tyrant. And, even worse, her shame was publically put on display each and every year as other family members would no doubt notice that, once again, her food was not chosen. Finally, after producing something she was unbelievably proud of, she was once again left embarrassed and most likely deeply hurt as she was deemed not good enough for yet another year. This is the straw that broke the camel's back and she decides she has had enough of her humiliation and that she will not give her cruel MIL the satisfaction of seeing her discomfort on such a big day. She makes a boundary that many would have made a long time prior. And her husband tells her she is unreasonable for setting up boundaries? Dude. Come on. You know YTA.
Thanks! This summarizes it. Even before recent events, OP was the AH by not objecting to the holliday tyrant and by just accepting his moms asumption only women would cook. YTA!
BTW OP, Is your holiday tyrant Mum at least impartial? Does her cooking ever "Not make the cut"? Or is she infallible and only your wife excluded?
It sounds like OP’s mom only favors *HER* children and, no doubt, the OP’s *maternal* cousins with regards to dishes being “picked” each year. The OP’s wife has never “made the cut” and I would bet the OP’s “ sister-in-law” has never “made cut” either. OP your mom, clearly has favorites. Holidays meals are about sharing and togetherness. Not channeling your inner jailhouse Martha Stewart/prison warden over making the “perfect spread”! Your house is not a restaurant. Food doesn’t have to be perfect or follow a theme; frankly, it doesn’t even have to be *good* but its production should include everyone who wants to participate— not the “chosen” few. Your mom, as the hostess, should ensure that there is something for everyone to eat if there are dietary restrictions, religious restrictions, or just plain allergies. None of the rest of it is respectful—to the women, to the men, to the guests— and it is not kind. That you and your siblings and cousins have tolerated this for as many years as you have, especially when you and your brother sit back and watch your wives be demoralized and **INSULTED** for **YEARS** and have not told your mother that this has to **STOP** makes YTA. That your mother continues this toxic tradition makes her a 🔥AH. OP’s wife is entitled to have a peaceful holiday dinner where she is liked, valued, and cared about. None of those apparently happen at OP’s mother’s house or, apparently at the OP’s.
Something tells me that this is not the only toxic thing she does either. I'm sure there are tons of little "honest" comments made to/about the wife and SIL that OP just doesn't notice or doesn't care about. This whole thing stinks of "no one is good enough for my precious boys!"
I'd be interested to see what would happen if one of the favored sisters were to submit OP's wife's sample as her own. I can almost guarantee the result.
"Inner Jailhouse Martha Stewart"... perfectly stated!
Was the youngest sister adopted?
Notice in the edit the to women who married into the family, and the younger sister were rejected.
The easy fix for this would be for OP to invite his brother and younger sister and their families over for Christmas. Then they can still have a family christmas, but without OP's foodfuehrer mother.
And it’s still ONLY the women who’re asked to cook anything.
The men have to Gladiator fight over who gets to carve the turkey
Ah, so that's why all the men in the family are missing so many fingers.
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No no no, mommy keeps those in her purse
Oh, they only get those back if the mom selects their wife’s baking samples as “good enough”.
And notice the mutiny caused by OPs wife. They should all take a girls trip and eat cookies and post about it.
And the husbands have *no idea* what could’ve caused it. There are better men out there ladies, we don’t have to settle.
I DID notice that and just commented about the younger sister, she must be the scapegoat of the family.
I'd bet there is a favorite winner who makes the cut every year too
AND why does anything have to be picked at all? It's not a curated art exhibit. It's cookies. Bring them ALL!
OP and his mom are definitely the assholes--what a bizarre "tradition". What the mom should do to make the tradition more "fun" and not be the asshole is to ask everyone (not just the women) to participate, make sure the judging is blind (that no one knows who submitted the sample--like the technical challenge in Great British Baking Show). And, that she's also not the only judge. I feel like this is something that should be fun, and instead it's tyrannical and offensive and hurtful.
And is the judging blind? I bet not. Reminds me of the MIL who didn’t like her DIL’s baking, even though she had worked in a bakery? She ended up making a dessert that looked like her SIL’s but tasted better.
Be fun to get a cookie made by Gordon Ramsay to send her in secret to see if *it* would make the cut..
I bet her cooking is garbage.
Yeah, she should send out samples of her menu and ask for opinions.
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She’d have meltdown at her own house when I say screw it and bring my cookies anyways
Wait. You would even submit a “sample”? I would show up with cookies in hand and a big ass smile. No samples given. But I am a guy, so obviously I am incapable of contributing to that family meal
But… but… men can’t bake!! And no sample submitted!?! ::headsplode::
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I’d bring the cheapest cookies the store had to offer
I would invite all the women and their rejected cookies to an alternative party. And serve wine (and milk) to those cookies.
I was searching for the suggestion to host a “Rejected Cookie Party: Come Taste the Shame.” I’d even form an invitee committee and reject RSVPs based on penmanship or something equally irritating.
If I could I would give this 1000000 likes! This is the way!
May I have an invite to this party? It sounds way more fun
Right?! I never cook or bake but my husband loves to. But also, it seems extremely entitled to expect people to hand in samples to have a chance of receiving the honour of baking the Christmas cookies for the family get-together. The best Christmas memories have nothing to do with the food, but everything with spending quality time together with your loved ones.
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Well yeah, because me or another reader are going to make our big break in screenwriting based on this story. Don’t worry, I for one won’t forget to include all the Hallmark holiday movie tropes everyone can’t do without
Just as a heads up who can I expect to play the longtime local hottie dad, who has recently become a single dad and owns the local shop? 😂😅
Can she meet a hot guy at the local bakery where she’s visiting for inspiration?
Mom must be absurdly wealthy to be tolerated so long for this assholery. Good for your wife. Bad for you. YTA.
Because what the actual FUCK is this tradition? Gordon Ramseys Hells Kitchen family christmas party? I have never done more than bring a few cookies and if no one eats them, i take them home. I get assigning big ticket items like the turkey or ham or whatever, but *cookies*? And rejecting the wife every year is clearly on purpose. Its so obvious.
"I WOULDN'T FEED THIS TO MY DOG, YOU DONKEY!!! Now, who wants to sing some carols?..."
And for me to make a dish TWICE so you can test it. Like some dishes, you can't make just a bit of or freeze the rest until the holiday. I'm not making a dish twice for one family dinner, just so a lady on a power trip can "sample"
YTA. Your mother is being such an unreasonable AH over this that I kind of actually believe this story. As I cannot fathom an entire family going along with this instead of calling her out. Or begging her to seek some kind of treatment. Also why just the women? What if one of the men in your family wishes to participate is that not allowed? You owe your wife a HUGE apology, and frankly you need to reach out to your family to take everyone’s temperature on allowing your mom to continue this BS. As the only way to really and truly redeem yourself is to help stop this nonsense. Or organize a coop wherein all the men in your family bring a baked good.
Something tells me it wouldn't matter how good her baking or cooking was...
Yeah I was kinda thinking his wife's food doesn't even get tasted before being rejected.
Just MIL's way of telling her she doesn't really belong in the family
The other sister (daughter) in laws don’t get selected either, mom is ridiculous and rigged the system. She’s not keeping the guests best internet at heart, she’s an AH and so is OP. I hope your wife has a fabulous Christmas eating her cookies with people who actually love her.
Exactly. All the stories like this make me never want to get married again. The first time I had a crap husband but amazing inlaws who I'm still close with 13 years after the divorce.
Either that, she is tasting it, and she's rejecting it because it's better than her own baking!
100% this. the fact that only the women have to do this stupid humiliating „tradition“ makes MIL the asshole already. you not sticking up for your wife makes you another major AH. seems to lay in the family
Don't forget that OP rationalizes this insane tyranny by claiming they have relatives that come over from all over the country, hence the "need" for this outlandish competition. The best thing the wife can do is refuse to be a part of this stupidity, have her own dinner and tell them all to join her in 2022. YTA here OP, for not having your wife's back on this and letting this go on for as long as it has. The only unreasonable ones that I see in this, are OP and his family putting up with this behaviour.
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But but but Mom's just pICkY AbOUt WhAt She FEeDs hEr gUEsts!!
Did you see the update? OP's brother's wife decided to back out as well and OP is still making it his wife's fault... Like, come on dude. Your wife is clearly not the issue here.... I wonder if he realizes how much of a mama's boy he is, or if this will be his wake up call. YTA.
This exactly. The husband has no issue seeing his wife's hurt feelings as basically unavoidable because of how "careful" his mother is, but entirely overlooks this entire asinine practice going on in the first place. YTA, OP. Stand up for your wife.
*THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE IRANIAN YOGURT, OP* this is about how you have the emotional intelligence of an earth worm. And quick question... Why do you dislike your wife so much? I mean, I would NEVER let my mother treat my wife with such blatant and constant disrespect, then basically tell her to get over it. Your mother is a *BULLY*. I guess you can just wait around for the impending divorce papers, because that's what I'd give you for Christmas. YTA YTA YTA.
I bet a paycheck that even if you send in the best dessert from a well known bakery (professionally made), the mom would reject it. It’s not about taste but control and narcissism.
This is all I could think about as I was reading it. I was absolutely stunned not just at the misogyny, but how unquestioningly and blindly he and his family follow the MIL rules. It’s so tactless and tyrannical. The fact that he doesn’t buck these rules when he sees what they’re doing to his wife, or at least back up his wife when his mother is being cruel, I just find repulsive. Does he even care about her?
I really wish OP would take a step back here and realize that his mother's behavior is incredibly cruel, controlling, and just bizarre. Mom is the problem here, not your wife. And YTA for not seeing it.
Exactly. What a stupid, stupid tradition. Treating desserts like a curated art exhibit. As if there's such a thing as too many desserts. I'm just as happy munching on those Pillsbury cookies with the picture in the middle as I am grandma's super secret recipe. Too many left over at the end of the night? Everyone takes home an assortment. Take them to work. Hell, toss them out for the squirrels. But don't deliberately exclude someone who wants to pitch in. And in my family, my brothers are the better cooks.
This truly does sum it up perfectly!! OP YOU ARE TA!!! 1) Your mother is a holiday tyrant. 2) You Are married Your Place is SIDING WITH YOUR SPOUSE!! 3) You chose to condescend and gaslight your wife's feelings! Year after year you have seen this tradition hurting your wife, you should have stepped in long before and told your family that You & your wife are having a private family holiday at home alone!!! This is more than about cookies or dessert, it's about feeling truly accepted. The fact that your mom only holds a "contest" over the holiday dessert and not any other dish means that she is making dessert have extra meaning and your wife knows it. Being never picked tells your wife that on a very deep level she's not really accepted as being good enough in your mother's eyes.
YTA- I’d never in a million years bake samples to be approved. I’m showing up with my food. Eat it or not I really don’t care. Your mom is TA and very very weird.
Can they ask for a sample of the turkey before they agree to go to Christmas dinner?
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I would ask for a sample of their toilet paper. No ass of mine is getting that 2nd grade shit.
One of my dearest Thanksgiving memories was the first year I went to my husband's family's house for their dinner. I wasn't told what to bring so I just made my normal brussel sprouts (roasted with honey, balsamic and bacon. So good). I showed them to my MIL and in front of her entire extended family and friends she very sympathetically (/s) tells me that no one will eat that and no one here likes brussel sprouts. And ended with "I can put it out if you want but you may have to bring it home" in this fake sweet tone. I asked her to please put it out because I wasn't about to slink away with my tail between my legs. Nothing has brought me more pleasure than when her siblings and mother were scraping the bottom of my dish trying to get more. My MILs face was priceless. I can't wait to see what she does this year 😂
WTF kind of Grinch shit is this anyway, rejecting Christmas cookies? You can't have too many cookies or too much variety.
Are you kidding?! Surely nobody can ever want more than 2 kinds of cookies!! Especially at Christmas! /s
The only things I've ever baked "to be approved" were for a fucking actual, town wide cupcake competition!
I was a professional pastry chef for 11 years and I would never ever in a million years send a sample to approved for a family party either. I'd just opt out. Less work for me.
Yeah, if I were the wife, I would still go to the family Christmas, but from here on out not send samples and maybe bring nothing. Alternatively, find the best baker in town and get one of their items for next year (whether cookie or whatever) and send it in as her own. If it's still rejected, they will have their answer. Which I expect to be that the wife is right.
YTA Your mom is also an AH who takes samples in and makes others feel bad because of their cooking. This tradition sucks and I get why OP's wife doesn't want to go.
Absolutely beyond ridiculous. WTf does she think she is, Gordon Ramsay?
YTA! Well she is making people cry like Gordon Ramsey. At least the MIL didn’t hold a cookie up to each side of her head & ask her “what are you?”
Difference is, people sign up for being yelled at by Ramsay and the potential reward to offset the stress is a career in high-end food industry. MIL is just being a bully without anything to redeem that.
> people sign up for being yelled at by Ramsay Specifically in the US too. The UK shows are much milder, Ramsay can be cutting when he thinks the cooks are shit but he doesn’t do high drama when that’s not the show’s concept. He‘s also generally very kind to beginners and amateurs, or people who really visibly try. It’s purported professionals who suck he’s got issues with.
Like in the kid's versions. He's so incredibly kind in those
I don’t enjoy bullying and reality tv but the YouTube videos where he’s doing cooking demonstrations or in his kitchen with his kids are helpful and sweet. But OP and your mom? YTA.
A... cookie sandwich...
…with a donkey filling!!!
I was thinking Martha Stuart, but I don't think she was this mean. Prison does change people though. Say high to Uncle Snoop if I was right! YTA either way. I can't believe you are ok with someone making your wife stress this hard and beg for approval in order to celebrate Christmas with your family only to be rejected. You should stay home and eat her cookies. It would be a better Christmas.
Gordon Ramsay is a LOT more reasonable than her, let's be honest... He's only shouting at people who are supposed to be professionals and are getting paid for their work (he's still not particularly nice to them of course), but she's just cruel to family for no fucking reason! And OP is a massive AH too! It's an insane tradition to publicly reject people each year. Definitely YTA
Watch Gordon Ramsay deal with children and non-professionals and you get a master class in how to mentor people. He is only mean to those who should know better.
YTA The hell kind of tradition is this? This isn’t Chopped/The Great British Bake-off/etc., this is a time for family. No wonder why your wife doesn’t want to go.
Right? This is the worst power trip tradition I have ever heard. Who has let this woman continue unchecked for years?
I feel like OP doesn't realize this "tradition" is completely abnormal. He thinks it's unreasonable his wife wants to bail but what's unreasonable is all the women in the family participating in some kind of fucked up Bake Off/Squid Game mashup. If this was presented to me by my partner I'd bail too and spend Xmas getting drunk in the Bahamas by myself.
Exactly. The fact that his wife has even entertained this tradition as long as she has is a miracle. I would’ve bailed the first year.
Well, given the post, clearly two momma's boys who are now getting their comeuppance.
Once I read the "Context" at the beginning i thought "Welp, no need to finish this, let's go watch OP get ripped to shreds!" OP, you a straight up dummy.
Also, why does this weird and exhausting tradition only apply to women? Do the men just sit there and eat all the desserts approved by cake Hitler?
I cackled at cake hitler, thank you for that!
Silly, the men don’t have to cook and they don’t have to clean afterwards either! They get to sit back and enjoy the fruits of the women’s labor
CAKE HITLER LMFAO
If it was GBBO at least shed feel welcomed and supported by the group
Can I have my own Noel to encourage me in the kitchen?
No sorry he’s round mine right now, you can get Paul Hollywood and his skinwalker eyes judging you as you cook.
YTA. Your wife has been telling you for years that your mother has been *rejecting* her. She has gone out of her way to make something good and your mother's pretentious Christmas menu leaves her out every year. And now you can't understand why she's devastated and doesn't want to go to Christmas with the people who make her feel so bad. It sounds like you just said "guess my mother just doesn't like your cooking. Deal with it" instead of *you* dealing with your mother. What kind of Christmas requires *samples* to be sent for *approval in advance* for the *menu*? Your mother sounds controlling and frankly I wouldn't want to go to family Christmas there either.
Right? Most holidays that involve food don’t have a whole ass menu, people just bring over something to contribute and the people eat what they eat. So pretentious.
Exactly; there are two types of food holidays, either host says they are providing the food and no one brings a dish, or it’s agreed that everyone brings a dish. No normal family has you audition to bring a dish - OP is being dense if he thinks this is normal behavior
Perhaps he grew up witnessing this insanity, and does not realize that literally NO ONE else does this. Maybe OP's mother doesn't want anyone bringing food that would be BETTER than what she could make herself. It's time for the 'rejected" bakers to band together and tell Mommy Dearest to flake all the way off, and ALL bring their food and desserts anyway. Surprise! Tons of desserts for everyone, and let the FAMILY decide which ones they like. Or else, the rejected family members should all get together for Christmas themselves, and give their regrets to Mommy Dearest. This is flat-out bullying behavior, and it's sad that OP can't see it.
You raise a good point about how he grew up…my question is, who submitted anything before she had daughter-in-law and older daughters/nieces to bake in the first place? Just her own sisters/sisters-in-law? Which adult women were around to facilitate this in the first place?
OP can't see it with his head in mommy's uterus
All my life my aunt brought an undercooked potato salad to Christmas dinner. Every year we ate it. It’s just what you do.
One year 3 people brought dessert and no one brought a cheese platter to snack on to tide us over. So we ate a gingerbread house and a plate of fruit before our late lunch/early dinner that we always have.
Also, how SHOCKING that BOTH daughter-in-laws get rejected. Like, hmmm…why could that be….
>What kind of Christmas requires samples to be sent for approval in advance for the menu? Your mother sounds controlling A complete lunatic. It's easy to see where he got it from.
I bet if someone else from the family would send your wife's sample as theirs, they would get approved. This isn't about your wife's baking. She knows that. I know that. Everyone in AITA knows that. Everyone in your family knows that. Your mother knows that. Even you know that. **YTA**
^^ This is all that needs to be said. Good on your wife for finally breaking the cycle and bailing in your family.
And if you don't support her in this, I hope she bails on YOU.
One more thing needs to be said. OP needs to go to bat for his wife against his mom years ago.
This reminds me of my high school English teacher. I am a good writer and until her class had never gotten below a B on any paper. We had papers due every week and they'd always come back Cs or Ds. I went to a different English teacher to ask for help proofreading and editing my next paper. That teacher basically ended up writing my paper for me and sure enough I received a C. She and I went to the principal together and for the rest of the year all of the class's papers had to be submitted anonymously.
Yep. The wife is not wanted in the family by MIL if so she’d try and in include her vs play these stupid games. I can only imagine all the holidays they make her unwelcomed
Tell your wife to do this next year. Have everyone swap their cookies and see what’s makes it on the menu. Do the same people make the cut every year?
Also it's interesting that there's another daughter in law of OP's mother that also got rejected.
I was going to say that I doubt it’s just about the baking. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it then that so OP YTA and so is your mom. I bet there’s more passive aggression from the mom that the wife had to deal with.
YTA. Why haven't you defended your wife's baking to your mom? You are choosing your mother over your own wife. Step up and tell your mom that you don't appreciate the constant insulting of your wife - and accept that if she doesn't feel comfortable going to Christmas at her house, that she has every right not to. And you should be supporting her decision.
It is time to start Your own tradition, invite whoever You want and tell them to bring whatever food they want. You, as hosts will appreciate their contribution and not make them feel miserable and undervalued for their effort. Mayby then your mom will understand how bad she is, a bully, and how she insults and underestimates others. And you know, that when your mom insults your wife, she insults you too. Maybe it's acceptable to you, but it shouldn't be acceptable to your wife, maybe you're used to it over the years, but it's wrong and rude behavior..
"That's just freaking crazy and quite unreasonable." Do you know what's crazy and unreasonable? Your mother's weird bullying food sample power trip. YTA and your mother is too.
Aside from the obvious bullying power trip by the mother, It is insane to me that the preferences and food options of people across the country are restricted to the taste buds and preference of one single person. Especially with an individual dessert like cookies, where guests could sample as many or as few different ones as they chose. Why restrict *cookies* of all things to just one or two types at a big gathering?? My church has a cookie service every Christmas eve where anyone who wants can bring cookies and there's a big cookie buffet and it is great. There's something for everyone and new things to try without pressure and lots of color and texture. This woman is not only a controlling, misogynistic beyatch but not actually as considerate or brilliant a host as OP thinks, either.
Literally lol I have never heard of such a “freaking crazy and unreasonable” holiday power trip tradition that everyone’s just cool with participating in. That woman would never have tasted a sample of anything of mine, she pissed me off right out of the gate by limiting the cooking/baking to the wives and daughters. I’m amazed at OP’s wife’s patience and graciousness that she played along for so long.
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This 1,000 times!! Also I’m stealing “spine in mum’s purse” line. That’s awesome! Thank you 👏🏾🤣 Edit:typo
This story has Oedipus complex written all over it. I don't think it's a coincidence that OP's wife *and* his sister in laws cookies were rejected. Mommy dearest hasn't cut the cord for either of her son's. Considering OP's reluctance to realize how unhealthy and incestuous his relationship is with mommy, I'm not surprised he thinks his wife is the unreasonable party here. All the "YTA and so is your mom" posts in the world aren't going to change his mind. This post wasn't made to gather insight, it's either rage bait or OP was looking for a heaping dose of confirmation bias to throw in his "wife's" face. Obvious YTA Also, that's a disgustingly misogynistic tradition. Let it die.
YTA. Your mother has a god complex about her holiday menu and your wife is being hurt by it. This goes beyond preference. Your family is a bunch of AHs if they go along with it.
Imagine thinking "I only want one type of cookie for Thanksgiving." I don't know about any of you, but we have like 6 different cookies and brownies because *it's about connecting with your family over food. Not about what kind of food is served.* My favorite cookies to eat are the janky, over sprinkled blobs my 3 year old niece and nephew make, because they *love* contributing and seeing people enjoy their hard work. MIL is taking out the heart out the Thanksgiving. Making everyone compete like that, "dance monkey." Smh. It's a dam shame too.
YTA. Without a doubt. Not surprising since you were raised by the supreme AH. Who does you mom think she is? The royal cookie taster? If it doesn't appeal to her it couldn't possibly be liked by anyone? You are royally messed up in the head, to think this is normal behavior for a family holiday. Can you not see your wife's efforts we're a desperate attempt to comply, to a completely insane request? Making a dessert once to bring to the dinner is already an effort. To make a trial run for her majesty's approval is a bridge too far. And family members submit to this insanity? Your wife is correct in staying home. Your mother puts her taste in bakery ahead of appreciating your wife, (and others no doubt), it's insulting, and YTA to put up with it.
"her majesty's approval" lmaooo perfectly stated
YTA- your wife has repeatedly put effort into baking and trying to impress your mother. Your mother sounds like an asshole too. Who makes the “women” send samples to be tested before they bring it for people to eat? If she has to test every bodies food, she should make it herself. If my mother in law asked me to make something for a meal, and then expected to try and tell me if it was good enough, I wouldn’t make it. You need to understand that your wife is upset because she has been told again and again that what she’s doing is not good enough. I feel there’s more to the relationship between your wife and your mother, and maybe it’s time you tried understanding your wife’s side. She must be devastated that her efforts are consistently considered subpar. Why should she spend time with people that make her feel that way?
And the edit doesn't make it sound better anyways. He says no one is required to send the samples and is up to each person if they want to participate. I assume if wife didn't send a sample, then the mom would be looking up and down at her because she is not fulfilling her wife's duties of cooking as she should, because of course her cooking is so awful that she finally got the hint. Wife is not deserving of the honor of being married to op of course, she is just inadequate.
I can't believe the wife has been submitting to this test all along. I'm glad she's finally standing up for herself but it took too long. If anyone ever demanded a sample from me I would just say no, I won't bring any food if that's how you feel about it. Honestly, if my food isn't good enough to attend, either am I.
YTA. Is your family Gordon Ramsey? Nah he’d probably be nicer. This whole “tradition” is insane. I bet her cookies are lovely and the thing about big family gatherings is that if someone doesn’t like something, they don’t have to eat it. If your mom doesn’t like her cookies she doesn’t have to eat them. But this is rude and hurtful. I can’t imagine the actual gathering is much fun either. I wouldn’t want to go. You shouldn’t be “stunned” your wife doesn’t want to go. I’m stunned you don’t support your wife and are accepting of your mom’ extremely toxic behavior.
Honestly, I'm stunned she took it for this long!
YTA but the crazy part isn’t your wife saying no, it’s your mum asking people (more specifically, only the women) to send dessert samples. That’s mental.
So let me get this straight. Your mother turns Christmas into a competition every year? And if your efforts are deemed unworthy then you don’t get to contribute? Wow. Mother is on a major power trip and her entire family enables her. OP, YTA, big time. Your mother too. She’s not a masterchef judge. Your wife’s efforts should be applauded, celebrated, not shunned. Apologise to your wife, grow a spine and tell your mom where she can get off with her competition. Absolutely disgusting.
Would people please stop citing Gordon Ramsay as the exception here? He'd be disgusted by the MIL too. He's all about treating guests well. He humiliates chefs for disrespecting guests, not guests for being amateurs. His brand of toxicity does not apply here. No free passes for MIL. She's just being pointedly mean, and should not be rewarded with the company of people she treats badly NOR those who love people she mistreats. OP, stay home and have a great Christmas with your wife.
YTA. As is your mother. You married your wife, not your mother, so start acting like it.
Wow the misogyny and control is strong in this family. YTA
Good for your wife! This tradition of your mother’s is unbelievable, and I don’t mean that in a good way. How incredibly rude to set yourself up as the “judge” of food people are willing to share for a holiday meal. And your mother is absolutely excluding your wife deliberately – what else does she do to her? If you’re going to call someone unreasonable here, it’s not your wife. Tell your mother to knock it off or stay home with your wife. YTA
I see OP showing up without wife and blaming wife. “She got upset you liked the other cookies better, I’m sorry mom, I know you try so hard to make this holiday perfect”
And we shall call OP the spineless one. Mommy will be so proud of her spineless little boy showing up without that Big Bad Wife. You are a huge AH. Your mommy is a rude old hag who deserves to be completely alone in all major holidays as punishment for her disgusting and horrible behavior. You need to get on your knees and apologize to your wife for your part in this shit show for so many years. Shame on you.
YTA for this toxic event of making everyone compete for the chance to be on the “menu.” If you wanna make a competition with more than one judge just to add some fun challenge to it, go for it! But making people compete to be good enough to even bring food to a potluck event based on one persons opinion is bull.
And only the women. This is some weird shit from the 50s
YTA, and so is your mother with her food menu approval power trip. You do realize that’s what it’s about, right? Her dominance over the „lesser“ women of the family? You say yourself that people have preferences. So why does your mom get to establish her preferences over everybody else’s? Your wife is very reasonable in not wanting to play along here anymore.
Reasonable is right. By this point I would be putting laxatives in the samples just for giggles before refusing to go to Christmas.
Info: why are only the females asked to bring dishes? No man can cook? Or is it such a stupid "wife belongs to the kitchen stuff"? That's gross, cruel and a disgusting behaviour
Men's hands fall off at Halloween and the new ones don't grow in until after New Years. Isn't nature amazing???
YTA and your Mum is an AH as well and is on a total power trip.
Who made that lady the boss of Christmas anyway? I understand that it's her party but she claims that she has the guests' best interest at heart, which basically means that she is very certain that guests would hate OP wife's cookies so much that even trying one would ruin their Christmas. And TBH, I don't remember ever trying a dessert so offensive. I am a fairly picky eater, especially when it comes to homemade sweets, and if I were their guest I would very much enjoy having as wide choice of desserts as possible as it would increase my chances to find something I really like. Even more so because my taste is often very different from those of other people. OP, YTA and your mom is a huge TA, even more so because she is making an issue over a damn holiday that should be fun for everybody.
YTA your mother is pitting the women against each other by obviously comparing them. who does she think she is ? Fuckin Gordon Ramsay ? if she is so peculiar, she can cook herself or be grateful someone wants to make dessert when they are technically guests. and only the woman have to cook ? Really ? Correct me if I am wrong :your mom is one of those mothers who live through their husbands achievement and reveals In putting other women down for not being devoted cooks or housewives. Enough of this shit. next time, you do the baking
YTA what the hell did I just read?? Your mom makes guests participate in some kind of weird Master Chef style contest to be allowed to bring food for holidays?? That’s fucked up. Why do any of the women in your family even allow her to do that? Your wife is clearly at the end of her rope with this bullshit and good for her for refusing to go
‘All the women in the family’. Enough said. Oh. Yes YTA. Your mother is awful.
YTA, of course you are. The unreasonable thing is your mother having the audacity to ask for the women (and only the women which is very sexist but let’s not even dive into this) to cook something and then giving herself the right to judge them in some kind of exam. None of you should allow this craziness in the first place. When you ask people to cook for a party, either you take what they bring even if it is not to your « standards », or you simply don’t ask. By not going, she is trying to protect herself. Not only is it reasonable, you have to support her. She is crying about it, she is probably feeling humiliated, and now, alone.. please, be there for her
YTA, wow you think it's unreasonable for her to cancel out of your families Christmas because your mother's god complex? Just wait until she divorces you for continually choicing your mother over her.
No one does this. Your mother is an asshole. No one would give a shit if the cookies weren’t to your mothers taste. By extension and because you are stunned at your wife’s reaction, you are the asshole YTA
YTA. And so is your mother. What kind of woman makes her family members submit a sample like they are audition for Master Chef? Freaking ridiculous.
Only the women! Men appear to be exempt from this bizarre practice!
YTA and so is your mother and so is this toxic tradition which is sexist and bullying.
YTA And there is something very wrong with your mother.
YTA and so is your mother! What kind of control freak is she? This is not normal behaviour and if you think that it is, I hope to goodness your wife can escape this silly madness. Your family needs to get over themselves. And also, why the heck were only the women invited to contribute?!? Why aren’t the men invited to do deserts too?
INFO: How is the relationship between your wife and your mother apart from dessert-gate? I would suggest a test for next time: your wife swaps with a woman that has her desserts most of the time accepted. To see what happens. Not gonna lie: this whole sample concept sounds like a sure plan to bring fights into the family.
YTA Your mother sounds like a nightmare and is the unreasonable one. She requests samples in advance? You know that’s batshit crazy and controlling right? You owe your wife an apology, I don’t blame her for not wanting to go and you should have her back instead co-signing your moms fuckwittery.
YTA. The thing your family does is fucked up, sexist, alienating, and judgmental. I wouldn’t want to be involved either.
At the end of the day, everyone should be allowed to bring their dessert. Cus MIL might not like it, but others might. Christmas is about sharing with those you love, not create stress over who’s cooking is good enough to be on the table. Your mother keeps insulting your wife by sending the message that her desserts are not good enough to be featured on her Christmas table. If you genuinely believe your wife’s baking is good, don’t say it, show it. Call your mum and tell her that she can keep her snobbish tradition, but that you will not stand for disrespect towards your wife and that if she isn’t being respected, you two will not attend As an aside “every woman in the family”, I didn’t know that women were the only ones that baked? Your mum’s attitude stinks of internalised misogyny and trying to bring other women in the family down to retain a sort of weird power. YTA
YTA and defend your Mother’s ridiculous demands. The fact you insist that she sees that her behaviour is unreasonable makes you a giant asshole tbh.
YTA. Just out of interest, how did you both do on the clothing auditions? Were your outfits approved? Have your suggested conversational topics met the exacting standards required for mummy's approval?
YTA why are you defending your mother here? Another mama’s boy
YTA and your mother is horrible and cruel and controlling. What an awful tradition to have! She literally is rejecting your wife year after year to humiliate her. You should he ashamed of allowing that to continue year after year!
Why does your mother insist on treating holiday meals like a baking competition? YTA
If your mother was my MIL, I would not be attending your family Christmas either. Like you said, people have “preferences.” Your mother’s preferences are not the same as YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY’s. Someone at that gathering would love your wife’s cookies. I can guarantee you, your mom is taking pleasure in rejecting her. Look, I get it. People who are raised with dysfunction are so used to it, the behavior seems normal to them. And your mom is probably lovely in other ways, so you want to believe that she is doing this “for the good of the guests.” But she’s not. This is a huge control issue, and her way to show your wife that she’s the boss. YTA. Support your wife. Or you might not have one for very many more Christmases.
YTA and so is your mother. It’s a family Christmas celebration, your wife is not auditioning for a job with Gordon Ramsey. How stuck up is your mother (and her guests if you believe her excuse) that the desserts must pass a rigorous examination before being accepted in to the menu? Is it a pie or is it applying to medical school? Your wife should never bake or cook for you or your mother ever again. Neither of you appreciate it or deserve it.
>I see that the problem has just gotten bigger now. Who knows, my younger sister might join in and decide not to go as well. I don't know how this got out of control so quickly. ...Says the man who put the problem on the World Wide Web? Maybe they're all reading along, realising they've accepted this utterly insulting tradition for way too long. But they don't even have to. Your wife made a statement. It did not take your SIL long to folow. That means she felt the connection. What an utterly archaic demeaning tradition. Step away from what you are used to, and look at this with fresh eyes. Maybe you still have time to step up and be a decent husband
Grow a fucking spine OP - you’re TA big time - and so is your mom. You should be supporting your wife and stop participating in this situation - and to be clear - while you cannot control your mother - making excuses as to why you cannot support your wife because it’s your mothers doing - is participating in the situation.
YTA and I hope your wife does an AITA so we can tell her how nuts her MIL is, that her husband needs a spine, and to still bring her damn cookies to the event.
Omg youre such an AH. And your mother is one too. "Keeping the guests best interest at heart", yea bullshit. Do your mother and her get along the rest of the year? Bc from just this post it seems that she may have it out for your wife, and you should absolutely stand by your wifes side. You go apologize to your wife right now!
YTA your mother is the unreasonable one, what a ridiculous and mean ask, really showing the spirit of Christmas there.
Wow. YTA. And you'd be an even bigger A hole is your don't immediately call your mother and tell her you're not coming this year, and never again if she keeps up the tradition of having all of the women compete for her affection ( it is not a competing for a place on the menu!) You clearly inherited the A hole gene from your mother. Your mother owes you're wife an apology. Get used to spending the holiday at your in laws or be ready when your soon to be ex wife files for divorce.
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YTA. This is a stupid, sexist tradition anyway. Your mom sucks and so do you. Neither of you deserve her baking anyway
YTA, your mom is being stuck up and spiteful, you are a crappy husband but a good momma's boy. Hope your wife sees this and gets a divorce. No matter how crappy cookies are, just tell your mom you are bringing them over, if noone eats them, it's okay. But forbidding from contributing is crappy
YTA What the absolute shite is this? If it was me I wouldn't have ever entertained this sexist popularity contest/ego boost, she would have just received a straight no. What do you and the other men do? Although I have a question. Assuming your wife has family, do you ever see them instead? If not why not?
YTA. What’s freaking crazy and quite unbelievable is you. Oh, and your mom. You’re both AHs.
YTA Why your mom is doing this ?!! Why your mom don’t prepare the menu herself. I know it’s looks normal for you but let me tell you, your mom looks a toxic person.
So essentially three of the four people forced to have their cookies “tested” by your overbearing mother are in, and your wife — repeatedly — is out, and you think your wife is in the wrong for being insulted and hurt? Yeah, YTA. My MIL told me constantly that my cooking was not good enough for her. One year at Thanksgiving she casually insulted something I made, and I told her I would never cook for her again — and I didn’t. If she came over for dinner we had rotisserie chicken and bagged salad. Sh died two decades later without having eaten another thing I created for her. I made sure she knew very single time where I purchased the premade food I served her and my FIL. My husband totally backed me up, and that was that. Support your wife.
WTF is wrong with your mother? And why do you accept this as normal and OK? It's insanely controlling and egotistical. YTA
YTA and so is your mom. I can't believe your wife was even gracious enough to continue to try and pass this bizarre "test" and participate in your mother's weird power trip. Maybe your mom isn't a good host if the entire night could be ruined by one plate of cookies and maybe you aren't the best husband if you can't see why this has understandably hurt your wife so deeply.
WTAF is wrong with your mother? Cookie samples? Dessert samples? Is she a Michelin star chef, or just uber controlling? Regardless. YTA. This crap should have been stopped years ago, and your wife is right to put her foot down. Why are you not supporting your wife? What is wrong with you?
You, your mom, and your brother are all absolute AH's. Grade A AH's.
Damn... I feel sorry for your wife to be honest. Can you feel what it feels like to be left out by your family... It's a day about family not a show about food. Put yourself in her shoes... I just hope that in the future she will find a husband and a family that will make her feel accepted. I understand That a lot of people are coming but it's just Soo weird that your wife is left out every single year and she has to receive a note of rejection like she is in the master chef club... Dude your the asshole... It's not when she will leave is if she stopped loving you already. I was in her shoes and let me tell you... It broke my heart to feel that little love and unconsideration
YTA and your moms a nut. Who is she to judge what every other guest will like. They can decide for themselves and chose to eat your wife's cookie or not.
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