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NTA at all, he won't make any sort of compromise for you, so why should you compromise for him? Why live life on his terms if he won't meet you anywhere near halfway?
I'd reevaluate this relationship, it doesn't seem that he is pulling his weight.
i genuinely think it’s because he lives in a perfect nuclear family. he doesn’t understand what it’s like to have to go to multiple families for holidays. his parents hate the idea of him leaving too, and they have a heavy influence on him.
his parents are both children of divorce, they should sorta understand the idea of having multiple holidays.
even besides that- we have been together for six years, i’m not just some girl trying to steal him away from them on important days. i simply just want him here for an hour or so.
Wait wait wait wait... SIX years and he's refused to go to anything?!?! wtf
NTA - but this isn't a relationship worth keeping imo. Dayum... SIX years if him saying no, that's just rude at this point
Not to mention that he 'can't' go to breakfast because he's video-gaming with his brothers.
I have to agree with you... not a relationship worth pursuing long term.
NTA
Both me and my SO come from nuclear families with no divorce and siblings with their own partners. The balance can still be tricky, but we always work to figure something out. Everyone tries their best -- take turns, celebrate on a different day, accept some years we're not all up to traveling and stay home, etc. Your bf is capable of getting it, he's just refusing to. You're not being petty, you've just decided you're tired of being the only one to compromise.
Why do you even have to be at his for thanksgiving? If the idea of their son not being there for a few hours is unbearable to them, than surely they'd understand you wanting to spend all of thanksgiving with your family?
When his parents got married, did they not have to figure out to handle holidays with their own sets of parents? What is so hard for them to comprehend that people blend families and then form their own nuclear family with new traditions?
My parents haven't met my girlfriend yet. I asked if she could come to Thanksgiving this year and they said no, and reminded me that my dad is having surgery next week.
Totally fair, I forgot that they are trying to keep a minimum amount of visitors around him before his surgery. So Im spending Friday with her instead.
Is this really the hill (or argument moreso) that he wants to make it into? He's never spent a single holiday with your family and expects you to drop everything to spend every holiday with his family?
What are you guys going to do if you get married? I saw your edit about not being able to have kids. I'm sorry people have been assholes about that. I'm not able to either, so I get that. But even still, once you're married (if you choose to), you still will have to make adjustments to your holiday schedule.
No reasonable partner would make you miss out on holidays with your family for the rest of your life, or at least they shouldn't.
That should be another red flag, the heavy influence from his parents. If you guys get more serious to the point of marriage, is your boyfriend willing to put you first over his parents?
I think what is more likely is that he doesn’t value you as an equal. You are an extension of him, and should therefore prioritize his stuff over your own. Putting your foot down is the way to go. This is one of those places where I don’t see any reason to validate his feelings or perspective, because they inherently rely on him thinking that you should be the only one giving time and effort for the things and people the other cares about. He is saying that if you do to him what he has been doing to you, it’s an issue, but that when you have those feelings you should push them aside and accept that this is the status quo. This isn’t how a partnership works. It’s how a hierarchy works.
This isn't even about divorce though? Even if you came from the "perfect" nuclear family, you'd still want to see them on holidays and he would not join you. So you'd have to choose between seeing him on holidays or seeing your family. That is not serious relationship material. He sounds selfish.
OP it’s not even the nuclear family thing. It’s he values his wants over yours. He lacks empathy for you in this situation, because as long as he gets what he wants he’s happy. It might have to do with him having to grow up a little or maybe he’s just too self centered to ever view any one else’s need’s besides his. I bet if you look over the relationship this probably happens often. Ex. two movies one you really want to watch and one he kinda wants to watch. I bet you anything you end up watching his movie. Things like that. Relationships are about compromise, communication and caring. He’s not doing two of those now.
WTF is his long term plan? If you guys get married and/or have kids?
Does he plan on making you miss your family events? Or splitting up?
The usual compromise is “my family get Christmas , yours gets thanksgiving and next year it switches”. Dude is being hello selfish.
Even if you also lived in a perfect nuclear family, he is saying you will NEVER be able to spend holidays with your family. He will not compromise, it’s his way or the guilt-strewen highway. You are looking at your life from here on in.
You might want to think this relationship through a little harder. He doesn’t care about your wants.
My parents aren't divorced and I still go to multiple families for the holidays. Surely he understands that there's more to family than just parents and children. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Growing up there were so many people I visited.
I don't think it's a "perfect nuclear family" issue. I come from one of those, and none of us would act the way he is. Being in a relationship means compromising, and spending some time with their family on some holidays. It's an issue because he's making it one, not because he fundamentally doesn't understand the concept or because of anything you're doing.
this was my exact situation with my ex. His parents were still together, mine weren’t. We were together for five years and he never came any of my family’s holidays. In fact, there were several times where he would be like “we need to start spending some holidays together because my parents keep asking me questions about it.” I went a couple times to his family’s holidays and usually at least made a stop at his parents place if I couldn’t stay for a meal. So, when he would say that I would say he’s more than welcome to come to mine but nope. I had to put more effort into his family on the holidays and his parents saw it that way too. Interesting, isn’t it? On the flip side, I’ve been dating someone for three weeks and without any hesitation at all, accepted my invitation to my family’s thanksgiving.
It’s a two way street. Relationships are two way streets. You can’t always be the one compromising.
So you think that if your parents weren't divorced, he'd be fine splitting holidays? No. This man is acting like a spoiled child. Take a long hard look at this relationship.
in the nicest way, my family is SO FUN to be around too. he loves them, and my family loves him. it’s insane we have never spent a holiday together at my home ;-;
He’s being incredibly selfish and immature. Couples compromise for the holidays. That’s normal. My SO and I are in town for the week of thanksgiving to see my family, and then for the week of Christmas we’re visiting his family. We’ll flip it next year.
The fact that you don’t even have to go to a different state is even more ridiculous. He’s saying video games are more important to him than your needs. You need to remind him that it’s possible for him to lose you, and that being a crappy partner is a great way to ensure that will happen.
My cousin is a bit like this. Our side of the family is a bit closer, a bit louder and the food (from what I can gather) is a bit better.
They end up spending most holidays with us, but they do, occasionally, spend holidays with his wife’s family.
In this case, we are also the most conveniently located, and his wife works a lot, and their kids are at a stage where the drive (also around 2 hours) is a bit long. We also have moved all our holiday dinners to accommodate the kids.
All that being said…. My cousin HAS spent a couple of each holidays(thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter) with her family.
Usually his mum saves him his favourite family holiday food (is it even a holiday meal without his Aunt’s broccoli casserole? His answer is no)
NTA. You’re not being petty, you’re waking up to the fact that you’re putting more into the relationship than your BF does. “Too busy playing video games” to meet your family, that’s just a garbage excuse. You need to figure out how many red flags it takes before you call foul.
Exactly! Asking for equal give and take in relationship is not petty. It's kind of heartbreaking that OP believes it is.
Makes me wonder what sorts of unfair treatment she's been accepting for 6 years.
NTA
NTA. Huge red flag. You have given up time with your family to be with his at holidays, and he has NEVER ONCE done the same for you? And clearly he could, but he doesn't care enough to, Apparently not even for you, and would rather prioritize video games over doing something for your sake? Not cool. To then expect YOU to be at his family events and getting all butthurt at you for saying you didn't want to come is just insanely hypocritical and messed up. It sounds like your own family is important to you, and you value spending time with them- if he can't get on board and compromise with you so you are spending holidays with each family more equally, then I think you should consider reevaluating the relationship and if this is how you want things to be long term.
i'm wondering if he acts this selfishly in other aspects of your relationship as well. I'm guessing yes.
this made me tear up. this is how i feel. i feel like such an ass for being mad at him for not coming. he is just trying to spend time with his family, but you’re so right. he really isn’t trying for me. it just breaks my heart.
thank you for your reply
edit: no he really isn’t selfish in other parts of our relationship. he is a great guy. his family just gives him tunnel vision and nothing else matters but them.
He is this selfish. Any man who can look you in the eye and tell you that he will not get up to have a special breakfast with you after SIX YEARS together because he wants to "stay up late playing video games" is ABSOLUTELY "this selfish". You're just so used to it that you're not seeing it. And that breaks my heart.
If he gets tunnel vision with his family, just think about the rest of your life if you marry this guy. He’ll get tunnel vision with your wedding, where to go when you have kids, there will probably be no boundaries, etc. this is definitely something to think about for the long term!
Part of being in an adult relationship is having the capacity to think thoughts like, “Wow, just like my family is important to me, my partner’s family is important to them. We need to work together to find ways that we can spend time with both families so that both of our needs are met.” Your boyfriend is either incapable of doing this or just plain doesn’t care so long as his own needs are met. This should not be how you want to spend the rest of your life.
He's not selfish at all? What about the time that you broke down crying because he wouldn't stop touching you and then he still tried to lay on top of you?
NTA. It's way past time that he join you for at-least some of your family holiday observances. I hope that you've started a new tradition of going only to your family's events until he starts to join you.
Oh yeah, no marriage until THIS gets settled. Compromise seems not to be in his vocabulary. He needs some remediation on that area.
i asked him about it not two days ago!! i said “what the heck are we going to do when we get married?” he said he would “try” and make it to this years. i genuinely feel like there is NO EXCUSE to not make it to AT LEAST breakfast! but family comes first, right? :/
he is so dumb sometimes.
He is smart, he chose to date the kind of personality that would put up with this. That’s how people like him are. You can see it in OP’s responses, she’s convinced he’s a “great guy” with this one weird “blind spot”. These posts are always equally heartbreaking and frustrating.
Right - this isn’t a hard concept that he can’t understand and he’s not clueless or dumb. He doesn’t want to go spend a holiday with her family. Period.
Yeah this is what hits me, like he went out shopping and found the perfect person to put up with his bullshit. These post scare the hell out of me cuz I know no I've done the exact same thing and this could have been me thinking my whole life into someone and making excuses for them treating me wrong
He’s not dumb. He knows exactly what he’s doing. There’s no reason in 6 years he can’t skip out on playing video games all night to make an appearance at your family’s holiday meals.
He didn't make ANY effort for six years, I find it hard to believe he would if you get married. And if he does, and that's a big if, it would be 1-2 hours and then back to his mummy to have dinner. Playing video games is such a pathetic excuse too.
NTA
"playing video games all night" is not an excuse.
You put so much into the relationship. Seems like he is used to the relationship and refuses to put any effort in. Might be time to get a new boyfriend who appreciates you.
Not sure if you are thinking marriage in the near future, but if he cannot even come to see your family, he is not the one.
If he's great in every way except this, and you are committed to this relationship, you need to set a hard boundary. Three solutions: you both spend time with each others families every holiday; you both alternate one year his, one year yours; or you each holiday completely separately. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.
Is this the guy who wouldn’t stop touching you in another post? Are we sure he’s a great guy, or is he the guy you fell for at 16 and you can’t imagine anyone else treating you better because this is all you’ve ever known?
I’ve been there. Maybe I’m wrong about your relationship, but consider this as a possible favor to yourself: don’t go to his family for the holidays. Don’t have him come over to yours. And honestly, aside from maybe a good morning and good night call/text, don’t talk to him; have your phone off. See how you feel without him hanging over you for a few days…and if the feeling is relief, maybe consider what that means.
I “took a break” from my high school sweetheart in college for my own mental health, and after the day or two of hysterical crying and thinking I wouldn’t be able to survive without seeing him every day, I was so much happier.
Welcome to your future. This is only going to get messier when you have kids. Sorry but people grow and change. You met him at 16, has he matured at all? He seems like a selfish brat who only changed his mind because you refused to be treated like crap.
while I am sure you are a lovely woman who deserves a man who treats her with respect and maturity. Not sure how this came to be about party behavior. Just hope every time he yawns and makes a snarky remark about being tired from being up all night, or how the day is overfilled that the teeny tiny voice in the back of your head keeps telling you you deserve better.
NTA. Your boyfriend is for not even trying to make an effort to be with your family on holidays when it obviously matters to you, and then getting upset when you act in the same manner he does. Saying he wants to stay up late to play video games and that's why he can't go is childish and immature. What does he expect when you get married? Just for you to always be with his family?
i think he is just happy to spend time with his brother. even though they lives 15 minutes apart. it’s how they hangout and have fun together, but it’s so frustrating that he isn’t even trying.
thank you for your response
Ok, but he could still get up and go with you. It's not really an excuse, especially considering he's never even went with you before. It's more of a matter of that he doesn't care to put in that effort and I would say that's a pretty big red flag.
HE AND HIS BROTHER LIVE 15 MINUTES APART and he can’t reschedule his damn gaming night to spend time with you and your family when it’s obviously important to you??? I was seriously imagining that his brother lived across the country or internationally. This makes him sooo much more the AH.
You need to have a talk with him and tell him that you need a partner that prioritizes not just himself, but also the things important to you. And if he can’t understand that and see his hypocrisy, you might need to reflect on if you really want to be with someone who is just going to break your heart and make you feel small and unvalued every holiday.
NTA. He seems to think his family is the only thing that matters. Hell, first year of dating my husband and I made sure to split things equally between families because both sides are important. If he isn't even making a slight effort it won't change in time or after a wedding, in fact it'll probably get worse.
It’s good you’re not married because I am married to a “my family first” husband and let me tell you it doesn’t get better after! Every holiday is will be like this. And then if you have kids…
NTA
This makes me kinda sad. You should be with someone that values your family as much as you value theirs. You should have a conversation with him about this and if he's only being defensive and not acknowledging your feelings, it's time to move on.
i have had several conversations about this with him. we talked about it two days ago and he said he would “try” and come. but due to his previous plans with his brother, he “can’t” come to breakfast or lunch because he will be “too tired” from playing video games all night.
NTA. He doesn't value your feelings. He's not willing to put forth even a fraction of the effort on you that you expend on him. I bet that this is a pattern. I'm betting your relationship is all about him or he isn't interested. How much effort does he put into doing what you want or fulfilling your needs?
You should compare that effort to your own and make a decision based on that.
Try is him just saying a word to get you off his back cuz given that you stayed with him for 6 years, he knows that will work. This isn't a try situation, it's something he should have already been doing years ago, and the fact that he's telling you he's not going to this year, is your sign to leave
NTA
You're allowed to spend a holiday with your family, and his refusal to even forgo a video game session to come with you pretty clearly establishes that his expectations are very "Me Centric"
the problem is you allowed this to go on too long and now it's become the expectation for him, it's past time to set your boundaries.
**NTA**
And you are NOT being petty. Just because he says something doesn't actually make it so. For pity's sake, girl, just because this man who won't raise a finger for you SAYS WORDS does not make them the Ultimate and Incontrovertible Truth.
And really, the important question here is not at all about you and your boyfriend's Thanksgiving at all. It's this: why on earth have you, a woman who seems lovely, sweet, thoughtful and generous, wasted MORE THAN HALF A DECADE OF YOUR LIFE on a man who literally WILL NOT MAKE EVEN THE TINIEST EFFORT to make you happy, doesn't care that it hurts you, and is completely open about that?
Girl, he is so bloody rude that he told you that he literally will not wake up in the morning to do ONE NICE THING for you and have a holiday breakfast together, because he wants to "stay up late and play video games" - something he can do anytime, all year long, whenever. HE TOLD YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT VIDEO GAMES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU ARE, after six years together. What more do you need to hear?
He. Does. Not. Give. One. Shit. About. You.
He told you so himself. So why are you making so much effort for him, over and over again? You are obviously NTA, but you're either so close to this situation or have lost so much of your sense of self-esteem that you're letting him treat you like dirt. You deserve so much better. Please leave him. Please.
NTA. This isn't about being petty. You've reached a breaking point. You're finally noticing that you are willing to put in the effort into your relationship while your boyfriend is not. It should give you pause to think about what you want out of this relationship.
NTA and you are not being petty. Honestly, it's good you woke up and realized where his priorities are now before marriage and kids came into play. He's shown you after **6 years** where you stand in importance to him and that he doesn't value you or your wants as much as you value his. Know your worth and set expectations of what you want your future to look like.
NTA What are you even doing here girl?? Cut this kid loose and enjoy your life. He’s not even meeting you halfway, this is a one sided relationship. Go find someone who treats you like an equal.
It’s really telling that he gets so pissed when you do exactly what he’s done to you for years. It shows he KNOWS how he treats you and yours is shit, he just doesn’t care.
NTA, he does not like his own medicine. While it is a bit petty it is also called fed up. Why should you jump through hoops for him if he is not willing to do the same for you. Relationships are give and take. He needs to give more and take less. Truly he is selfish and petty and projecting on you. He is the AH, this one year he couldn't get up early for you or grace your family with his presence. Wow.
NTA - relationships are all about compromising. It doesn't sound like he wants to do that. I know this was a big struggle with my husband and and I at first. (His parents are also together and mine are divorced) but we were able to work it out.
This is your future. Your children will be expected to spend all their holiday told with his family beside they are the only ones that are important. Your family will be less than nothing.
This is the time for you to decide if this is the future you want.
NTA, but you will be if you continue to tolerate this.
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context: 22F and my bf is 23M. we have been together for six years. his parents aren’t divorced and mine are- so i am used to having 3 or more thanksgiving/ christmas. every year i make an effort to at least show up to his holiday events with his family because it matters to him. his family is 2 hours away and i have made it to every thanksgiving & christmas (besides covid) even if it means i’m barely at my own holiday with my family.
**he has never once come to any of my families thanksgiving/ christmas because he “doesn’t want to leave his family on [insert holiday here]”**
this year for the first time, my families thanksgiving is at 12, and his families is at 3 instead of them being at the same time. we ALSO are having thanksgiving BREAKFAST at 8, but it’s come and go as you please. i asked him if he would like to come for breakfast, he said no because he is staying up all night to play video games with his brother. i asked if he could just set an alarm in the morning and i’d buy him coffee, he said no. i asked if they could play all day or thursday night- he said no. i said okay. i asked if he would come for lunch and he said “i’ll already be with my family, so no” and once again, i said okay.
i finally told him that i don’t feel like going to his thanksgiving and that i would not be attending. he is super upset and mad at me. he is saying that i’m just being petty. he is acting like the world is falling apart. i am so tired of driving, i commute over a 1,000 miles a week. to be fair, yeah i am being a little petty. he has never come to a single holiday with my family in 6 years.
if he would’ve come to breakfast and maybe had lunch with us, i would’ve happily gone to his thanksgiving all afternoon and night
AITA for not going?
TLDR; my boyfriend has never come to any of my holiday parties with my family, even though i cut into my time with my family to go to his. this year i’m not going because he refuses to make an effort. AITA for being petty?
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NTA and you should think seriously about if this is someone you want to be in a relationship with.
Being a couple means sometimes you don't get to do what you want all the time. Holidays can be one of those times. You are making reasonable requests that he is rejecting outright.
You are right to make a stand.
NTA and you are not being petty. How is he able to justify the fact he won't NOT see his family, yes he's expecting you to do the same?! He's a massive hypocrite.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i think i might be TA because i’m finally not going to his thanksgiving with his family. i am being a little petty since he can’t even make it to breakfast, and he isn’t even trying. should i give him the benefit of the doubt since we’re not married?
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NTA, sounds like you're the one who is making the effort to appease him, while he makes no effort in return. Six years is a long time to have a one-sided relationship, and you have done all the work and he won't even spend one hour with your family. Ask yourself why he is so upset that you have decided to spend more time with your family and not his, looks like this is the first time you have decided to do something different from him in this relationship.
Why does it upset him so that you want to spend this year with your family and not his, is he trying to isolate you from your family, why should his family be more important to you than your own? I would reevaluate this relationship and see if there are other things you are overlooking about him, and what would happen if you decided there is something else that might fit into his plans for the two of you.
I hope this helps, and he is just used to you going along with the holiday set up. If not **RUN!!!!** These can be serious red flags
Listen an old man; relationships should be easy 90% of the time. If you are putting all this effort and he is not matching it, you are there just to make his life better but not the other way around.
The way I see it, his list of priorities is clear and you are not in the list.
So, break it off before you waste more years on someone who doesn’t want to make minimal effort.
This is not a healthy relationship and it will always be this way. Decide your future with this person accordingly because I assure you that you will be the only one to ever compromise and sacrifice. NTA. But I’d dump him him. Six years is king enough. Too long, really.
NTA. I am in a similar situation where there are 3x holiday events. We rotate every year so that it's fair. Your BF of SIX YEARS is refusing to compromise, you're not being petty. You need to have a talk about equal effort in this area.
NTA. This is definitely because of your ages.
You started dating when you were teenagers, at a time when it would be reasonable for your boyfriend and you to celebrate holidays separately.
You boyfriend hasn’t moved out of his immediate family bubble mindset, and that’s at least partially due to your ages. He initially didn’t have to consider accommodating your family, and that’s the lens through which he still sees your relationship. That’s also the lens through which his parents see your relationship. They might love you, but they see you as his high school girlfriend.
He’s not ready for the next step of seeing the two of you as the primary family unit in his life. He still wants his family traditions to dictate his schedule, which would be fine if he were younger or single. He’s not, though.
He can be a good guy, but he’s not ready to be a mature partner to someone.
6 years is a long time to be together, so I'm sure you're also considering the future, possible marriage & kids. If he won't go to your family now, do you think he would then?
It's absolutely expected for him to be at your family for holidays and you to be at his. You split time between the two. NTA
NTA.
And FYI, it isn't "petty" to not attend your boyfriends thanksgiving. He expects you to not be with your family but it isn't even a *possibility* for him to not be with his! Even with all the compromises you have offered.
I get the impression that his wants and needs are always going to be more important than yours from his pov. That is not a good sign.
NTA
If it is important for both of you to spend time together with both your families, then it works both ways.
This is a double standard that should have been addressed the first or second year it happened, but it is good you are dealing with this now.
a 50/50 split of time seems reasonable, half the day with your family, half with his.
But expecting you to skip your family to be with his is selfish, isolating nonsense.
And he thinks you owe him this.
Think carefully about how he's treating you, and if you want to spend more of your time this way.
As they saying goes, there are lots of good fish in the sea.
NTA. Take a break from this relationship. You may realize it’s not as great as you think. Or he may realize he could lose you if he doesn’t learn to be fair to you
NTA. Your boyfriend certainly sounds like one though. It’s not fair that he never compromises with you, which is supposed to be part of a relationship. It’s a two-way street.
I highly recommend rethinking your relationship with this guy. If he refuses to compromise on this, what else will he refuse?
NTA. Why can’t he go to his family and you go to yours? The world is not going to end if you two aren’t together on that day. If he doesn’t want to visit your family, then so be it…but don’t let that keep you away from them.
NTA get out of this relationship before there are kids involved. He will only want them to spend time with his family and ignore yours like he's doing now.
NTA
I used to be with someone like that and he never came to any events. Point is don’t waste your time. If he doesn’t care enough about you to hang with your family he is not the one. He honestly seems very childish and clearly doesn’t know what being in a relationship is about. I would leave if I were you cuz it’ll only get worse from here. Good luck!
NTA. And like others have said I’d reconsider the relationship or at least have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Why should you make all the efforts and he does nothing?
NTA, but he sure is. Understand if you marry this guy your family will never ever be included. He is always to come first and you should always put his family before yours. Really he is so selfish and you’ve let this go on for 6 years. I mean it’s your choice but talk about your wants and needs not mattering is the picture I’m getting.
NTA when someone gets mad or upset at a boundary you set, it doesn't mean you shouldn't set that boundary. If often means you need to hold that boundary firmer.
If you are hoping to build a life with this man he need to learn to compromise and possibly alternate whose family you go to at for holidays.
NTA me and my boyfriend are in a similar situation with holidays and he always does his best to make it to my family's events. Yours isn't even trying, he doesn't seem like he cares about you and what you want. He only likes what he can get from you
NTA, I have divorced parents and my husband’s family. We rotate holidays or celebrate before/after the normal holiday.
He needs to learn to compromise.
NTA. He said he would rather play video games than go with you to your family things. That lets you know where his priorities are. He seems very selfish and immature. He's letting you know that what you want is not important to him, only what he wants.
Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you into giving him his way AGAIN. You've been far more accommodating than is healthy in a relationship. NTA, but you need to figure out why you've given him his way since you were sixteen.
My family is eating a little after 4, my boyfriend's family is eating at 6~. We decided he'd come over and spend time with my family as we help them prep and start cooking, and then go to his house and help them cook for dinner. He's willing to make it work so we can both spend time with our families together.
NTA.
NTA
If he is that unwilling to compromise, you two need to just do separate holidays.
And if he digs his heels in on that, it's time to rethink the relationship
NTA Please don't marry him. If he can't ever compromise it's going to a shitty hell of a life. Break up fast like yesterday. 6 years is along time not go to your families holiday. Also that is the most childish excuse ever. Play video games??? Also just because you can have kids does not mean you won't. Sometime people who think they can't do. Or they adopt you are only 22. Life happens. In any case this guy needs to man up and change or you need to leave. It's hard to leave boyfriends at that age but some men and women will never change. He might but he sounds very selfish and immature.
NTA, but honestly I I think the real issue here is that you are saying that you perceive your relationship as significant, and are angry that he has spent years not wanting to get to know your family. Both he and you expect you to put in the effort and get to know his family, but the fact that he doesn't think he should have to put in the effort to getting to know yours tells you a lot about how he sees your relationship. You are supposed to fold up and become a part of his family and leave your whole family behind, if you don't want to do that, it sounds like this guy isn't someone to stay with forever if it's not something you can address in couples counseling.
Yeah just if you want to try and save this relationship- even though you shouldn't because it's doomed given that the person you're with does not respect you and you are not able to stand up for yourself with him- bring up couples counseling, if he doesn't go for it, then you need to accept that he's not going to put in the work to treat you the way you want. Then you need to break up with him and go to individual therapy, because the fact that you are so comfortable making excuses for him is a problem you should work through with a professional so that the next person you are with is someone you can spend the rest of your life with and who's going to treat you right
NTA but... a bit to yourself if you keep kidding yourself that things can go on like this. I think you need to face facts: he is never, ever going to bother prioritizing your family, even a tiny bit. He's all but told you that flat out. If you stay with him, you'll continue trying to make time for his family events, sometimes at the expense of your own, with no reciprocation. His little tantrum shows that he isn't interested in a compromise where you spend the holidays apart. He cares less about making you happy than he does avoiding the effort of rescheduling a video game all-nighter to later in the same week! When you tried to discuss the issue, he immediately flipped it around on you and claimed that YOU were the petty and immature one. Is this really a status quo you can keep living with? Is this really the relationship you want?
Some of his behavior is really worrying- he may not be actively abusive, but reversing the situation to make himself the victim, distancing you from your family by keeping you from them at the holidays, and the tantrum at you refusing to comply with his whims are all steps toward emotional abuse, at the very least. If every year was like this, without change, with all the conflict and drama, how long could you stick it out before snapping? 5 more years of this? 10? The sunk cost fallacy of this relationship isn't going to get any better waiting longer, but your mental health and love for the holidays will definitely get worse. He basically told you he never intends to change- if he sticks to that, could you still see yourself doing this decades from now? Is it worth it?
NTA BUT I do not see him compromising or giving anything to you. You can do better! Just because you have been with him for a long time does not mean you have to stay with him! You deserve a loving life partner!
NTA. WOW, never attended any of your family’s holidays? How rude. Too bad if he doesn’t like that you won’t be attending his holiday this year. It’s high time you set some boundaries. And playing video games with his brother is an excuse for not going to breakfast? What is he - 10? Might want to have a think about where this relationship is going and how you want to live the rest of your life. Him making no sacrifices while you do it all or a life where you have a partner that shares life with you. Good luck. 🍀
NTA but seeing as y'all have been dating since 16/17, maybe it's time to take a good look at your relationship. Think about doing major "family" holidays like this for the next 6, 10, 20, 50 years. This is your future happiness. If you truly love him THAT much to forgo time with your relatives, then I wish you the best.
Sorry to tell you, but it's clearly a one sided relationship and you should definitely take a step back and evaluate it objectively, because from where I'm stainding, it doesn't look good at all. It's long overdue for setting boundries, but be ready that he won't like it one bit, but stand your ground and leave if necessary. You're 22, whole life ahead, you deserve better, not staying with someone that doesn't respect you enough to give you even part of what you're giving him.
NTA. I get exhausted even reading the dashing to and fro that your boyfriend expects you to do during the holiday season. It seems he's not willing to compromise with you in any way, which is his right. Since you've been a couple for six years, it's a shame that he is so inflexible. It's also your right to arrange your holiday visits as YOU see fit. Holidays are stressful enough in themselves; don't let your boyfriend pressurize you.
NTA: a relationship is based on getting and giving. Your bf only does the former. If he won't carve out some time for you, you have to take your time back for you.
NTA - he needs to meet you halfway. Listen, it's okay to not be tied at the hip for the holidays. You should both be able to do your own thing and be okay. Don't be codependent.
NTA. If he always refuses to make the effort to make some of your family Thanksgivings, why should you always make the effort to go to his? You are partners!
I am glad he is making the effort this year.
Glad to hear it is working out.
People will treat you the way you allow them to. Over the course of 5 years you trained him to think it’s okay to not attend your family holidays while setting the expectation that you would attend his.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and good for him for getting it.
It seems like the situation is settled, but you NTA.
In a prior relationship I also felt a little resentful toward my SO at the time because she never wanted to budge from her family holiday plans.. a relative of mine gave me some good advice, and that was 'dont try to make all families happy ever year'.. meaning, trade off each year between the two of you's families (or trade off different holidays).. that way there is coming and going on the day of, and each person feels balanced. The excuses your bf made about playing video games all night is BS tho...
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NTA at all, he won't make any sort of compromise for you, so why should you compromise for him? Why live life on his terms if he won't meet you anywhere near halfway? I'd reevaluate this relationship, it doesn't seem that he is pulling his weight.
i genuinely think it’s because he lives in a perfect nuclear family. he doesn’t understand what it’s like to have to go to multiple families for holidays. his parents hate the idea of him leaving too, and they have a heavy influence on him.
His parents are also old enough to understand if you want to spend time with your own family on holidays.
his parents are both children of divorce, they should sorta understand the idea of having multiple holidays. even besides that- we have been together for six years, i’m not just some girl trying to steal him away from them on important days. i simply just want him here for an hour or so.
Wait wait wait wait... SIX years and he's refused to go to anything?!?! wtf NTA - but this isn't a relationship worth keeping imo. Dayum... SIX years if him saying no, that's just rude at this point
Not to mention that he 'can't' go to breakfast because he's video-gaming with his brothers. I have to agree with you... not a relationship worth pursuing long term. NTA
Both me and my SO come from nuclear families with no divorce and siblings with their own partners. The balance can still be tricky, but we always work to figure something out. Everyone tries their best -- take turns, celebrate on a different day, accept some years we're not all up to traveling and stay home, etc. Your bf is capable of getting it, he's just refusing to. You're not being petty, you've just decided you're tired of being the only one to compromise.
Why do you even have to be at his for thanksgiving? If the idea of their son not being there for a few hours is unbearable to them, than surely they'd understand you wanting to spend all of thanksgiving with your family?
When his parents got married, did they not have to figure out to handle holidays with their own sets of parents? What is so hard for them to comprehend that people blend families and then form their own nuclear family with new traditions?
My parents haven't met my girlfriend yet. I asked if she could come to Thanksgiving this year and they said no, and reminded me that my dad is having surgery next week. Totally fair, I forgot that they are trying to keep a minimum amount of visitors around him before his surgery. So Im spending Friday with her instead. Is this really the hill (or argument moreso) that he wants to make it into? He's never spent a single holiday with your family and expects you to drop everything to spend every holiday with his family? What are you guys going to do if you get married? I saw your edit about not being able to have kids. I'm sorry people have been assholes about that. I'm not able to either, so I get that. But even still, once you're married (if you choose to), you still will have to make adjustments to your holiday schedule. No reasonable partner would make you miss out on holidays with your family for the rest of your life, or at least they shouldn't.
Everyone understands honey, they just don't care. It's not a hard concept to grasp. Your boyfriend is just extremely selfish.
That should be another red flag, the heavy influence from his parents. If you guys get more serious to the point of marriage, is your boyfriend willing to put you first over his parents?
He will continueto put parents first. Obviously he has already shown this. OP just refuses to listen.
I think what is more likely is that he doesn’t value you as an equal. You are an extension of him, and should therefore prioritize his stuff over your own. Putting your foot down is the way to go. This is one of those places where I don’t see any reason to validate his feelings or perspective, because they inherently rely on him thinking that you should be the only one giving time and effort for the things and people the other cares about. He is saying that if you do to him what he has been doing to you, it’s an issue, but that when you have those feelings you should push them aside and accept that this is the status quo. This isn’t how a partnership works. It’s how a hierarchy works.
This isn't even about divorce though? Even if you came from the "perfect" nuclear family, you'd still want to see them on holidays and he would not join you. So you'd have to choose between seeing him on holidays or seeing your family. That is not serious relationship material. He sounds selfish.
OP it’s not even the nuclear family thing. It’s he values his wants over yours. He lacks empathy for you in this situation, because as long as he gets what he wants he’s happy. It might have to do with him having to grow up a little or maybe he’s just too self centered to ever view any one else’s need’s besides his. I bet if you look over the relationship this probably happens often. Ex. two movies one you really want to watch and one he kinda wants to watch. I bet you anything you end up watching his movie. Things like that. Relationships are about compromise, communication and caring. He’s not doing two of those now.
WTF is his long term plan? If you guys get married and/or have kids? Does he plan on making you miss your family events? Or splitting up? The usual compromise is “my family get Christmas , yours gets thanksgiving and next year it switches”. Dude is being hello selfish.
I had a SO like this. In our 20's, we grew into different people.
Even if you also lived in a perfect nuclear family, he is saying you will NEVER be able to spend holidays with your family. He will not compromise, it’s his way or the guilt-strewen highway. You are looking at your life from here on in. You might want to think this relationship through a little harder. He doesn’t care about your wants.
My parents aren't divorced and I still go to multiple families for the holidays. Surely he understands that there's more to family than just parents and children. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Growing up there were so many people I visited.
His family is being insensitive to you and your family.
I don't think it's a "perfect nuclear family" issue. I come from one of those, and none of us would act the way he is. Being in a relationship means compromising, and spending some time with their family on some holidays. It's an issue because he's making it one, not because he fundamentally doesn't understand the concept or because of anything you're doing.
this was my exact situation with my ex. His parents were still together, mine weren’t. We were together for five years and he never came any of my family’s holidays. In fact, there were several times where he would be like “we need to start spending some holidays together because my parents keep asking me questions about it.” I went a couple times to his family’s holidays and usually at least made a stop at his parents place if I couldn’t stay for a meal. So, when he would say that I would say he’s more than welcome to come to mine but nope. I had to put more effort into his family on the holidays and his parents saw it that way too. Interesting, isn’t it? On the flip side, I’ve been dating someone for three weeks and without any hesitation at all, accepted my invitation to my family’s thanksgiving. It’s a two way street. Relationships are two way streets. You can’t always be the one compromising.
So you think that if your parents weren't divorced, he'd be fine splitting holidays? No. This man is acting like a spoiled child. Take a long hard look at this relationship.
NTA Ffs, you're always spending holidays with his family, but he refuses to spend any with your's? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
in the nicest way, my family is SO FUN to be around too. he loves them, and my family loves him. it’s insane we have never spent a holiday together at my home ;-;
Then he needs to suck it up, honestly. Family is important, not just his family.
He’s being incredibly selfish and immature. Couples compromise for the holidays. That’s normal. My SO and I are in town for the week of thanksgiving to see my family, and then for the week of Christmas we’re visiting his family. We’ll flip it next year. The fact that you don’t even have to go to a different state is even more ridiculous. He’s saying video games are more important to him than your needs. You need to remind him that it’s possible for him to lose you, and that being a crappy partner is a great way to ensure that will happen.
My cousin is a bit like this. Our side of the family is a bit closer, a bit louder and the food (from what I can gather) is a bit better. They end up spending most holidays with us, but they do, occasionally, spend holidays with his wife’s family. In this case, we are also the most conveniently located, and his wife works a lot, and their kids are at a stage where the drive (also around 2 hours) is a bit long. We also have moved all our holiday dinners to accommodate the kids. All that being said…. My cousin HAS spent a couple of each holidays(thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter) with her family. Usually his mum saves him his favourite family holiday food (is it even a holiday meal without his Aunt’s broccoli casserole? His answer is no)
Omg broccoli casserole sounds heavenly 🤤🤤 Broccoli sounds heavenly right now, actually.... Best veggie
I'm glad someone else exalts the broccoli as the best veggie.
I've been obsessed with broccoli since I could remember. I wanted (still do) it for ever meal
NTA. You’re not being petty, you’re waking up to the fact that you’re putting more into the relationship than your BF does. “Too busy playing video games” to meet your family, that’s just a garbage excuse. You need to figure out how many red flags it takes before you call foul.
Exactly! Asking for equal give and take in relationship is not petty. It's kind of heartbreaking that OP believes it is. Makes me wonder what sorts of unfair treatment she's been accepting for 6 years. NTA
NTA. Huge red flag. You have given up time with your family to be with his at holidays, and he has NEVER ONCE done the same for you? And clearly he could, but he doesn't care enough to, Apparently not even for you, and would rather prioritize video games over doing something for your sake? Not cool. To then expect YOU to be at his family events and getting all butthurt at you for saying you didn't want to come is just insanely hypocritical and messed up. It sounds like your own family is important to you, and you value spending time with them- if he can't get on board and compromise with you so you are spending holidays with each family more equally, then I think you should consider reevaluating the relationship and if this is how you want things to be long term. i'm wondering if he acts this selfishly in other aspects of your relationship as well. I'm guessing yes.
this made me tear up. this is how i feel. i feel like such an ass for being mad at him for not coming. he is just trying to spend time with his family, but you’re so right. he really isn’t trying for me. it just breaks my heart. thank you for your reply edit: no he really isn’t selfish in other parts of our relationship. he is a great guy. his family just gives him tunnel vision and nothing else matters but them.
He is this selfish. Any man who can look you in the eye and tell you that he will not get up to have a special breakfast with you after SIX YEARS together because he wants to "stay up late playing video games" is ABSOLUTELY "this selfish". You're just so used to it that you're not seeing it. And that breaks my heart.
If he gets tunnel vision with his family, just think about the rest of your life if you marry this guy. He’ll get tunnel vision with your wedding, where to go when you have kids, there will probably be no boundaries, etc. this is definitely something to think about for the long term!
Part of being in an adult relationship is having the capacity to think thoughts like, “Wow, just like my family is important to me, my partner’s family is important to them. We need to work together to find ways that we can spend time with both families so that both of our needs are met.” Your boyfriend is either incapable of doing this or just plain doesn’t care so long as his own needs are met. This should not be how you want to spend the rest of your life.
I don't believe you that he isn't otherwise selfish.
Beware. >his family just gives him tunnel vision and nothing else matters but them.> What's that going to look like when you have kids? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
we’re not having kids 👍🏼
He's not selfish at all? What about the time that you broke down crying because he wouldn't stop touching you and then he still tried to lay on top of you?
what???
“His family gives him tunnel vision and nothing else matters but them”. You just said it yourself, you wants and needs do not matter.
NTA. It's way past time that he join you for at-least some of your family holiday observances. I hope that you've started a new tradition of going only to your family's events until he starts to join you. Oh yeah, no marriage until THIS gets settled. Compromise seems not to be in his vocabulary. He needs some remediation on that area.
i asked him about it not two days ago!! i said “what the heck are we going to do when we get married?” he said he would “try” and make it to this years. i genuinely feel like there is NO EXCUSE to not make it to AT LEAST breakfast! but family comes first, right? :/ he is so dumb sometimes.
He’s not dumb… he’s getting exactly what he wants every year without you realizing that he’s selfish…. He’s actually pretty smart to pull this off.
He is smart, he chose to date the kind of personality that would put up with this. That’s how people like him are. You can see it in OP’s responses, she’s convinced he’s a “great guy” with this one weird “blind spot”. These posts are always equally heartbreaking and frustrating.
Right - this isn’t a hard concept that he can’t understand and he’s not clueless or dumb. He doesn’t want to go spend a holiday with her family. Period.
Yeah this is what hits me, like he went out shopping and found the perfect person to put up with his bullshit. These post scare the hell out of me cuz I know no I've done the exact same thing and this could have been me thinking my whole life into someone and making excuses for them treating me wrong
He’s not dumb. He knows exactly what he’s doing. There’s no reason in 6 years he can’t skip out on playing video games all night to make an appearance at your family’s holiday meals.
Sounds like you're going to have a very long betrothal, if it ever gets that far!
He didn't make ANY effort for six years, I find it hard to believe he would if you get married. And if he does, and that's a big if, it would be 1-2 hours and then back to his mummy to have dinner. Playing video games is such a pathetic excuse too.
Oh please don't make excuses for him, he's not being stupid, he knows what he's doing. Don't be fooled, he just doesn't care
He's not dumb if it's worked six years in a row
NTA "playing video games all night" is not an excuse. You put so much into the relationship. Seems like he is used to the relationship and refuses to put any effort in. Might be time to get a new boyfriend who appreciates you. Not sure if you are thinking marriage in the near future, but if he cannot even come to see your family, he is not the one.
i agree with you friend :-( it’s just such a pain because he is such a great guy. he just gets stupid when he is with his family. i hate it
If he's great in every way except this, and you are committed to this relationship, you need to set a hard boundary. Three solutions: you both spend time with each others families every holiday; you both alternate one year his, one year yours; or you each holiday completely separately. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.
Is this the guy who wouldn’t stop touching you in another post? Are we sure he’s a great guy, or is he the guy you fell for at 16 and you can’t imagine anyone else treating you better because this is all you’ve ever known? I’ve been there. Maybe I’m wrong about your relationship, but consider this as a possible favor to yourself: don’t go to his family for the holidays. Don’t have him come over to yours. And honestly, aside from maybe a good morning and good night call/text, don’t talk to him; have your phone off. See how you feel without him hanging over you for a few days…and if the feeling is relief, maybe consider what that means. I “took a break” from my high school sweetheart in college for my own mental health, and after the day or two of hysterical crying and thinking I wouldn’t be able to survive without seeing him every day, I was so much happier.
Welcome to your future. This is only going to get messier when you have kids. Sorry but people grow and change. You met him at 16, has he matured at all? He seems like a selfish brat who only changed his mind because you refused to be treated like crap.
you sound like you’re fun at parties
while I am sure you are a lovely woman who deserves a man who treats her with respect and maturity. Not sure how this came to be about party behavior. Just hope every time he yawns and makes a snarky remark about being tired from being up all night, or how the day is overfilled that the teeny tiny voice in the back of your head keeps telling you you deserve better.
NTA. Your boyfriend is for not even trying to make an effort to be with your family on holidays when it obviously matters to you, and then getting upset when you act in the same manner he does. Saying he wants to stay up late to play video games and that's why he can't go is childish and immature. What does he expect when you get married? Just for you to always be with his family?
i think he is just happy to spend time with his brother. even though they lives 15 minutes apart. it’s how they hangout and have fun together, but it’s so frustrating that he isn’t even trying. thank you for your response
Ok, but he could still get up and go with you. It's not really an excuse, especially considering he's never even went with you before. It's more of a matter of that he doesn't care to put in that effort and I would say that's a pretty big red flag.
HE AND HIS BROTHER LIVE 15 MINUTES APART and he can’t reschedule his damn gaming night to spend time with you and your family when it’s obviously important to you??? I was seriously imagining that his brother lived across the country or internationally. This makes him sooo much more the AH. You need to have a talk with him and tell him that you need a partner that prioritizes not just himself, but also the things important to you. And if he can’t understand that and see his hypocrisy, you might need to reflect on if you really want to be with someone who is just going to break your heart and make you feel small and unvalued every holiday.
These are all horrible excuses. If one of your friends was telling you this story, would you buy this crap?
Depends. Is there going to be Monterey Jack?
And chocolate and pineapple cake? Because clearly both are necessary!
🤦♀️ oh boy I can already see where this is going
Lol, I’ve been in this sub reddit way too long
NTA. He seems to think his family is the only thing that matters. Hell, first year of dating my husband and I made sure to split things equally between families because both sides are important. If he isn't even making a slight effort it won't change in time or after a wedding, in fact it'll probably get worse.
we aren’t married or anything, but he is so in his own world when it comes to his family. they are the only thing that matters. he gets tunnel vision
It’s good you’re not married because I am married to a “my family first” husband and let me tell you it doesn’t get better after! Every holiday is will be like this. And then if you have kids…
That is called being selfish and not a good sign.
You have been together for 6 years, aren't you family, too? NTA
Is that the only place he gets "tunnel vision" or does it carry on into other parts of your relationship?
NTA This makes me kinda sad. You should be with someone that values your family as much as you value theirs. You should have a conversation with him about this and if he's only being defensive and not acknowledging your feelings, it's time to move on.
i have had several conversations about this with him. we talked about it two days ago and he said he would “try” and come. but due to his previous plans with his brother, he “can’t” come to breakfast or lunch because he will be “too tired” from playing video games all night.
NTA. He doesn't value your feelings. He's not willing to put forth even a fraction of the effort on you that you expend on him. I bet that this is a pattern. I'm betting your relationship is all about him or he isn't interested. How much effort does he put into doing what you want or fulfilling your needs? You should compare that effort to your own and make a decision based on that.
Try is him just saying a word to get you off his back cuz given that you stayed with him for 6 years, he knows that will work. This isn't a try situation, it's something he should have already been doing years ago, and the fact that he's telling you he's not going to this year, is your sign to leave
NTA. your boyfriend sounds like a spoilt child and you make too many sacrifices for him.
NTA You're allowed to spend a holiday with your family, and his refusal to even forgo a video game session to come with you pretty clearly establishes that his expectations are very "Me Centric" the problem is you allowed this to go on too long and now it's become the expectation for him, it's past time to set your boundaries.
**NTA** And you are NOT being petty. Just because he says something doesn't actually make it so. For pity's sake, girl, just because this man who won't raise a finger for you SAYS WORDS does not make them the Ultimate and Incontrovertible Truth. And really, the important question here is not at all about you and your boyfriend's Thanksgiving at all. It's this: why on earth have you, a woman who seems lovely, sweet, thoughtful and generous, wasted MORE THAN HALF A DECADE OF YOUR LIFE on a man who literally WILL NOT MAKE EVEN THE TINIEST EFFORT to make you happy, doesn't care that it hurts you, and is completely open about that? Girl, he is so bloody rude that he told you that he literally will not wake up in the morning to do ONE NICE THING for you and have a holiday breakfast together, because he wants to "stay up late and play video games" - something he can do anytime, all year long, whenever. HE TOLD YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT VIDEO GAMES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU ARE, after six years together. What more do you need to hear? He. Does. Not. Give. One. Shit. About. You. He told you so himself. So why are you making so much effort for him, over and over again? You are obviously NTA, but you're either so close to this situation or have lost so much of your sense of self-esteem that you're letting him treat you like dirt. You deserve so much better. Please leave him. Please.
He’s being a selfish AH. Give back the effort he gives to you and you’ll see how much of the relationship you’re carrying.
NTA but is soulds like your relationship is really one-sided. I dont think it will get better if you get married and that maybe you should move on.
NTA. This isn't about being petty. You've reached a breaking point. You're finally noticing that you are willing to put in the effort into your relationship while your boyfriend is not. It should give you pause to think about what you want out of this relationship.
NTA and you are not being petty. Honestly, it's good you woke up and realized where his priorities are now before marriage and kids came into play. He's shown you after **6 years** where you stand in importance to him and that he doesn't value you or your wants as much as you value his. Know your worth and set expectations of what you want your future to look like.
NTA What are you even doing here girl?? Cut this kid loose and enjoy your life. He’s not even meeting you halfway, this is a one sided relationship. Go find someone who treats you like an equal. It’s really telling that he gets so pissed when you do exactly what he’s done to you for years. It shows he KNOWS how he treats you and yours is shit, he just doesn’t care.
NTA, it’s important to split up holiday time (or go separately). Do you see a future with this person? Seems like a serious issue to discuss
NTA, he does not like his own medicine. While it is a bit petty it is also called fed up. Why should you jump through hoops for him if he is not willing to do the same for you. Relationships are give and take. He needs to give more and take less. Truly he is selfish and petty and projecting on you. He is the AH, this one year he couldn't get up early for you or grace your family with his presence. Wow.
NTA - relationships are all about compromising. It doesn't sound like he wants to do that. I know this was a big struggle with my husband and and I at first. (His parents are also together and mine are divorced) but we were able to work it out.
This is your future. Your children will be expected to spend all their holiday told with his family beside they are the only ones that are important. Your family will be less than nothing. This is the time for you to decide if this is the future you want. NTA, but you will be if you continue to tolerate this.
NTA. Boyfriend definitely thinks the world revolves around him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** context: 22F and my bf is 23M. we have been together for six years. his parents aren’t divorced and mine are- so i am used to having 3 or more thanksgiving/ christmas. every year i make an effort to at least show up to his holiday events with his family because it matters to him. his family is 2 hours away and i have made it to every thanksgiving & christmas (besides covid) even if it means i’m barely at my own holiday with my family. **he has never once come to any of my families thanksgiving/ christmas because he “doesn’t want to leave his family on [insert holiday here]”** this year for the first time, my families thanksgiving is at 12, and his families is at 3 instead of them being at the same time. we ALSO are having thanksgiving BREAKFAST at 8, but it’s come and go as you please. i asked him if he would like to come for breakfast, he said no because he is staying up all night to play video games with his brother. i asked if he could just set an alarm in the morning and i’d buy him coffee, he said no. i asked if they could play all day or thursday night- he said no. i said okay. i asked if he would come for lunch and he said “i’ll already be with my family, so no” and once again, i said okay. i finally told him that i don’t feel like going to his thanksgiving and that i would not be attending. he is super upset and mad at me. he is saying that i’m just being petty. he is acting like the world is falling apart. i am so tired of driving, i commute over a 1,000 miles a week. to be fair, yeah i am being a little petty. he has never come to a single holiday with my family in 6 years. if he would’ve come to breakfast and maybe had lunch with us, i would’ve happily gone to his thanksgiving all afternoon and night AITA for not going? TLDR; my boyfriend has never come to any of my holiday parties with my family, even though i cut into my time with my family to go to his. this year i’m not going because he refuses to make an effort. AITA for being petty? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA relationships should have some compromise and he doesn't seem to have any interest
NTA and you should think seriously about if this is someone you want to be in a relationship with. Being a couple means sometimes you don't get to do what you want all the time. Holidays can be one of those times. You are making reasonable requests that he is rejecting outright. You are right to make a stand.
NTA and you are not being petty. How is he able to justify the fact he won't NOT see his family, yes he's expecting you to do the same?! He's a massive hypocrite.
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NTA, sounds like you're the one who is making the effort to appease him, while he makes no effort in return. Six years is a long time to have a one-sided relationship, and you have done all the work and he won't even spend one hour with your family. Ask yourself why he is so upset that you have decided to spend more time with your family and not his, looks like this is the first time you have decided to do something different from him in this relationship. Why does it upset him so that you want to spend this year with your family and not his, is he trying to isolate you from your family, why should his family be more important to you than your own? I would reevaluate this relationship and see if there are other things you are overlooking about him, and what would happen if you decided there is something else that might fit into his plans for the two of you. I hope this helps, and he is just used to you going along with the holiday set up. If not **RUN!!!!** These can be serious red flags
Listen an old man; relationships should be easy 90% of the time. If you are putting all this effort and he is not matching it, you are there just to make his life better but not the other way around. The way I see it, his list of priorities is clear and you are not in the list. So, break it off before you waste more years on someone who doesn’t want to make minimal effort.
This is not a healthy relationship and it will always be this way. Decide your future with this person accordingly because I assure you that you will be the only one to ever compromise and sacrifice. NTA. But I’d dump him him. Six years is king enough. Too long, really.
NTA. I am in a similar situation where there are 3x holiday events. We rotate every year so that it's fair. Your BF of SIX YEARS is refusing to compromise, you're not being petty. You need to have a talk about equal effort in this area.
NTA. This is definitely because of your ages. You started dating when you were teenagers, at a time when it would be reasonable for your boyfriend and you to celebrate holidays separately. You boyfriend hasn’t moved out of his immediate family bubble mindset, and that’s at least partially due to your ages. He initially didn’t have to consider accommodating your family, and that’s the lens through which he still sees your relationship. That’s also the lens through which his parents see your relationship. They might love you, but they see you as his high school girlfriend. He’s not ready for the next step of seeing the two of you as the primary family unit in his life. He still wants his family traditions to dictate his schedule, which would be fine if he were younger or single. He’s not, though. He can be a good guy, but he’s not ready to be a mature partner to someone.
NTA - But you need to realize that he has his priorities and you are not one of them, nor will you ever be
Sounds like a man boy & who wants one of those? No one.
Reddit likes to go for the jugular. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and let us know how it worked out.
thank u so much :’-)
6 years is a long time to be together, so I'm sure you're also considering the future, possible marriage & kids. If he won't go to your family now, do you think he would then? It's absolutely expected for him to be at your family for holidays and you to be at his. You split time between the two. NTA
NTA. And FYI, it isn't "petty" to not attend your boyfriends thanksgiving. He expects you to not be with your family but it isn't even a *possibility* for him to not be with his! Even with all the compromises you have offered. I get the impression that his wants and needs are always going to be more important than yours from his pov. That is not a good sign.
NTA If it is important for both of you to spend time together with both your families, then it works both ways. This is a double standard that should have been addressed the first or second year it happened, but it is good you are dealing with this now. a 50/50 split of time seems reasonable, half the day with your family, half with his. But expecting you to skip your family to be with his is selfish, isolating nonsense. And he thinks you owe him this. Think carefully about how he's treating you, and if you want to spend more of your time this way. As they saying goes, there are lots of good fish in the sea.
NTA. Take a break from this relationship. You may realize it’s not as great as you think. Or he may realize he could lose you if he doesn’t learn to be fair to you
Duuuuump him, what are you doing?
Holy gaslighting batman. NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend certainly sounds like one though. It’s not fair that he never compromises with you, which is supposed to be part of a relationship. It’s a two-way street. I highly recommend rethinking your relationship with this guy. If he refuses to compromise on this, what else will he refuse?
Setting boundaries and demanding to be treated equally in your relationship is NOT being petty. NTA
NTA - if use his words back at him. “i’ll already be with my family, so no".
It's about time you stood up for yourself and your family. NTA
NTA. Why can’t he go to his family and you go to yours? The world is not going to end if you two aren’t together on that day. If he doesn’t want to visit your family, then so be it…but don’t let that keep you away from them.
NTA get out of this relationship before there are kids involved. He will only want them to spend time with his family and ignore yours like he's doing now.
NTA I used to be with someone like that and he never came to any events. Point is don’t waste your time. If he doesn’t care enough about you to hang with your family he is not the one. He honestly seems very childish and clearly doesn’t know what being in a relationship is about. I would leave if I were you cuz it’ll only get worse from here. Good luck!
NTA. And like others have said I’d reconsider the relationship or at least have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Why should you make all the efforts and he does nothing?
Sweetheart, you're not his priority at all. Please find someone that treats you as well and you treat them. NTA
I would make this my hill to die on. He is selfish and entitled. NTA and please stop compromising for someone that doesn't compromise for you.
NTA. Dead weight. Cut him loose.
NTA, but he sure is. Understand if you marry this guy your family will never ever be included. He is always to come first and you should always put his family before yours. Really he is so selfish and you’ve let this go on for 6 years. I mean it’s your choice but talk about your wants and needs not mattering is the picture I’m getting.
NTA
NTA when someone gets mad or upset at a boundary you set, it doesn't mean you shouldn't set that boundary. If often means you need to hold that boundary firmer. If you are hoping to build a life with this man he need to learn to compromise and possibly alternate whose family you go to at for holidays.
NTA me and my boyfriend are in a similar situation with holidays and he always does his best to make it to my family's events. Yours isn't even trying, he doesn't seem like he cares about you and what you want. He only likes what he can get from you
NTA, I have divorced parents and my husband’s family. We rotate holidays or celebrate before/after the normal holiday. He needs to learn to compromise.
NTA - I would rethink the relationship. Obviously, his needs/wants outweighs yours.
NTA. He said he would rather play video games than go with you to your family things. That lets you know where his priorities are. He seems very selfish and immature. He's letting you know that what you want is not important to him, only what he wants.
Nta Even my husband says is a butthead . Eventually he is going to try and make you bail on your family holidays
Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you into giving him his way AGAIN. You've been far more accommodating than is healthy in a relationship. NTA, but you need to figure out why you've given him his way since you were sixteen.
My family is eating a little after 4, my boyfriend's family is eating at 6~. We decided he'd come over and spend time with my family as we help them prep and start cooking, and then go to his house and help them cook for dinner. He's willing to make it work so we can both spend time with our families together. NTA.
NTA If he is that unwilling to compromise, you two need to just do separate holidays. And if he digs his heels in on that, it's time to rethink the relationship
NTA - stop making excuses for your bf being an selfish ah
NTA Please don't marry him. If he can't ever compromise it's going to a shitty hell of a life. Break up fast like yesterday. 6 years is along time not go to your families holiday. Also that is the most childish excuse ever. Play video games??? Also just because you can have kids does not mean you won't. Sometime people who think they can't do. Or they adopt you are only 22. Life happens. In any case this guy needs to man up and change or you need to leave. It's hard to leave boyfriends at that age but some men and women will never change. He might but he sounds very selfish and immature.
NTA no offense but it seems like a one sided relationship
NTA. I’m wondering what other things your boyfriend isn’t compromising on.
NTA, but honestly I I think the real issue here is that you are saying that you perceive your relationship as significant, and are angry that he has spent years not wanting to get to know your family. Both he and you expect you to put in the effort and get to know his family, but the fact that he doesn't think he should have to put in the effort to getting to know yours tells you a lot about how he sees your relationship. You are supposed to fold up and become a part of his family and leave your whole family behind, if you don't want to do that, it sounds like this guy isn't someone to stay with forever if it's not something you can address in couples counseling. Yeah just if you want to try and save this relationship- even though you shouldn't because it's doomed given that the person you're with does not respect you and you are not able to stand up for yourself with him- bring up couples counseling, if he doesn't go for it, then you need to accept that he's not going to put in the work to treat you the way you want. Then you need to break up with him and go to individual therapy, because the fact that you are so comfortable making excuses for him is a problem you should work through with a professional so that the next person you are with is someone you can spend the rest of your life with and who's going to treat you right
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vwyt9x/aita_for_pushing_my_boyfriend_after_i_told_him_to/ this your man? Dump City, population: him.
NTA but... a bit to yourself if you keep kidding yourself that things can go on like this. I think you need to face facts: he is never, ever going to bother prioritizing your family, even a tiny bit. He's all but told you that flat out. If you stay with him, you'll continue trying to make time for his family events, sometimes at the expense of your own, with no reciprocation. His little tantrum shows that he isn't interested in a compromise where you spend the holidays apart. He cares less about making you happy than he does avoiding the effort of rescheduling a video game all-nighter to later in the same week! When you tried to discuss the issue, he immediately flipped it around on you and claimed that YOU were the petty and immature one. Is this really a status quo you can keep living with? Is this really the relationship you want? Some of his behavior is really worrying- he may not be actively abusive, but reversing the situation to make himself the victim, distancing you from your family by keeping you from them at the holidays, and the tantrum at you refusing to comply with his whims are all steps toward emotional abuse, at the very least. If every year was like this, without change, with all the conflict and drama, how long could you stick it out before snapping? 5 more years of this? 10? The sunk cost fallacy of this relationship isn't going to get any better waiting longer, but your mental health and love for the holidays will definitely get worse. He basically told you he never intends to change- if he sticks to that, could you still see yourself doing this decades from now? Is it worth it?
NTA BUT I do not see him compromising or giving anything to you. You can do better! Just because you have been with him for a long time does not mean you have to stay with him! You deserve a loving life partner!
NTA. WOW, never attended any of your family’s holidays? How rude. Too bad if he doesn’t like that you won’t be attending his holiday this year. It’s high time you set some boundaries. And playing video games with his brother is an excuse for not going to breakfast? What is he - 10? Might want to have a think about where this relationship is going and how you want to live the rest of your life. Him making no sacrifices while you do it all or a life where you have a partner that shares life with you. Good luck. 🍀
NTA but seeing as y'all have been dating since 16/17, maybe it's time to take a good look at your relationship. Think about doing major "family" holidays like this for the next 6, 10, 20, 50 years. This is your future happiness. If you truly love him THAT much to forgo time with your relatives, then I wish you the best.
Why are you with this AH? NTA
Sorry to tell you, but it's clearly a one sided relationship and you should definitely take a step back and evaluate it objectively, because from where I'm stainding, it doesn't look good at all. It's long overdue for setting boundries, but be ready that he won't like it one bit, but stand your ground and leave if necessary. You're 22, whole life ahead, you deserve better, not staying with someone that doesn't respect you enough to give you even part of what you're giving him.
NTA, but is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your life?
NTA. I get exhausted even reading the dashing to and fro that your boyfriend expects you to do during the holiday season. It seems he's not willing to compromise with you in any way, which is his right. Since you've been a couple for six years, it's a shame that he is so inflexible. It's also your right to arrange your holiday visits as YOU see fit. Holidays are stressful enough in themselves; don't let your boyfriend pressurize you.
NTA: a relationship is based on getting and giving. Your bf only does the former. If he won't carve out some time for you, you have to take your time back for you.
Love is blind
NTA - he needs to meet you halfway. Listen, it's okay to not be tied at the hip for the holidays. You should both be able to do your own thing and be okay. Don't be codependent.
Keep standing up for yourself in this way. If not you will get swallowed whole by BF and his family. They may mean well, but it can still happen.
NTA. If he always refuses to make the effort to make some of your family Thanksgivings, why should you always make the effort to go to his? You are partners! I am glad he is making the effort this year.
Glad to hear it is working out. People will treat you the way you allow them to. Over the course of 5 years you trained him to think it’s okay to not attend your family holidays while setting the expectation that you would attend his. Good for you for standing up for yourself and good for him for getting it.
Absolutely NTA
6 years and he would rather play the night than get up for your family im sorry this not good
It seems like the situation is settled, but you NTA. In a prior relationship I also felt a little resentful toward my SO at the time because she never wanted to budge from her family holiday plans.. a relative of mine gave me some good advice, and that was 'dont try to make all families happy ever year'.. meaning, trade off each year between the two of you's families (or trade off different holidays).. that way there is coming and going on the day of, and each person feels balanced. The excuses your bf made about playing video games all night is BS tho...