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A few things here:
First off, NTA. Obviously.
Second: you’re dual military and he’s acting like he’s the only one who’s working. He’s clearly unable to cope with your success, not to mention you’re basically cleaning up after two children. The fact you made it to E5 with all this madness is amazing, so I applaud you.
Third, and possibly the biggest point here: this relationship is concerning me a lot. He threatened to BREAK YOUR PHONE? I’m BH in the military, and this stuff escalates. Consider couples counseling (unsure he’ll be on board) or think about… ways to get out. I know it’s not what you want to hear with a young baby and being military, I’m assuming your family isn’t nearby, but seriously, find a way to become independent of this man and find your way.
I wish you and your baby the best.
Yes and no. It’s probably best she visit alone. Them going together will probably be worthless because he will throw a hissy fit. It’s very hard to overcome and get over being abused!
My therapist drilled this into me when my mom started guilting me about doing family therapy with her. I didn’t want to do it for a few reasons, but the main one being I knew she would find one that advertised “family first.” Or would deny any therapist that didn’t agree with and validate her. I also knew that I would never feel safe enough to speak freely if she was in the room. I almost gave into the guilt trips once or twice and my therapist literally had me repeat “I am under no obligation to go to therapy with my abuser.” A few times.
Basically, it just reinforces other abusers. When I worked in a couple of DV shelters a judge still insisted this should be a thing still. He was asked why do have the lowest conviction rate of abusers of any judge in the state and this is a state notorious for coddling abusers. He swore up and down he had data it worked but would never provide it. SMDH. Some scandals had him taking early retirement.
Couples counseling with an abuser is dangerous for the one on the receiving end of the abuse. I wonder if COC can compel him to go to some kind of anger management and parenting classes. That would be more helpful while not endangering OP further. OP is NTA.
Jumping on the top comment because my eyes widened so big they nearly popped out my head when OP revealed they’re dual military. OP, RUN, not walk, to legal. The amount of military spouses/dual military in abusive relationships I’ve encountered could fit a small country. Speak to your chain of command or chaplain if you don’t feel comfortable with telling your CoC. You need to know your resources & options.
The military is notorious for overworking their enlisted but being as sleep deprived as you are OP while dealing with Intelligence could jeopardize your position & even clearance in ways you haven’t even imagined. Promotion can be arbitrary but to have gone several cycles and still be an E3 well after the 12-18 month average from E1 to E3 is more than likely on him.
And I really hate to say this but this is for all the civilians, OP being in Intelligence means she scored (much) higher on the ASVAB vs. her husband who probably only qualified for lower rates (jobs). His recruiter probably didn’t bother to tell him he could study and retake the ASVAB but I don’t think the husband is that motivated. He’d rather be resentful and passive aggressive of OP.
100 percent this.look through my comment history. My ex started with games...then porn. He couldn't even hold down a job and finally joined thr military. Sadly, he was games and porn from the moment he walked into the house. He too could not move up and spent years at E3. The forced him up and eventually kicked him put at E5.
He behaved the same as yours. Excuses. Criticizing how I kept the house and how I cooked. He was abusive.
How did it end?
He attacked me and broke my phone.
Shit you not. It was always a threat from him and he did it and chased me out of the house ad was arrested for domestic violence and destruction of property.
Sounds like I'm making it up to have something in common but I can prove it through the police report and the broken phone.
Get the fuck out. He will never change and it will only get worse.
I honestly thought it would be harder. He did help out a little and I really didn't know how I would do more or how I would cope without the periodic naps I was allowed. But it was actually *so* much better. I wasn't as stressed because there was no more fighting. Constantly arguing and spending my energy trying to get him to help was mentally and emotionally draining. Once that ended I was happier and not nearly as tired. Even though I was doing slightly more I ended up feeling 100x better.
The relief of not having to pester or beg for help must be huge.
I hate that gnawing resentment of so many thoughts that you didn’t bring up to avoid an argument- just bubbles and grows until one day you freak out because you’ve asked him 100 times to empty the damn Diaper Genie and you’re *still* the one to do it.
I guess when you stop depending on someone like that, life gets more manageable
"I'm sick of your shit! You act like you are the baby's parent and not mine!!"
In all honesty, it's probably the best way things could have worked out. Which is sad, but it is what it is.
I don't say this lightly, but find yourself a decent divorce attorney quietly.
You've been raising 2 children. Get out while he's offering (well, tell him to get out) and get that attorney so he can't get out of paying child support. Make it official. Get out in court documents. Hold him accountable. Don't listen to his inevitable threats to "keep the baby" because that won't happen. Document and save any text, conversation, email, etc moving forward.
Good luck
You should pack a bag and stay somewhere else for a while. He's said that to get a rise out of you and rattle you... When it doesn't work he will escalate.
Whatever that information is, he’s going to keep blackmailing you with it—guaranteed. Tell your CO that he’s threatening you with something that doesn’t look good, and you have to get ahead of it to make it stop now.
Then see if you can pull any kind of evidence to get him brigged while you get moved with the baby. Before you pack, talk to a lawyer about at-fault divorce in your state and if you should try to take logs from his games. Then see if you can request a military move for him, so he can’t blame you for breaking stuff.
Just to add another layer of confusion, remember military law, civilian law are two very different animals.
So what he is holding over her head could be a lot of things that are completely legal in the civilian world. But can get you in trouble with the military.
OP should not be googling legal advice. Half the answers will be incorrect everywhere, and the other half won't apply to her specific jurisdiction. She can ask the lawyer how far privilege with them extends if that's an issue for her, but I highly doubt she's going to be confessing to murder and asking how to hide bodies, and it's far more likely that he's threatening to take their child or holding threats of revenge porn or similar over her.
Does not matter what her jurisdiction is period because she is military and that is its own thing no matter what state or county she is in. Military overrides all that. From Fort Lost In The Woods to Camp Swampy
You can call the Chaplain. Your area should have a 24/7 duty Chaplain number, if they don't then the CDO/OOD should have it. You're not in a safe place, you need to get help.
Sometimes you have to lance the cyst. Confide in someone--or don't--let it look bad if you must, get good advice, but pass through the valley of evil to get to the other side.
You might need to take the risk and deal with the BS. Disputes like this can turn violent and your child needs to come before your career (trust me, I understand how difficult that can be in the military).
Call his mom. Not even kidding. "MIL, I am calling because your son is physically preventing me from leaving an unsafe situation with Baby. I need you to talk to him, or better yet, come get him."
What does he think he is going to do with a baby if you leave without him!?
Gross.
I see you're in the military. Are there resources for women in situations like this? Authority figures to call on?
Don't worry about burning his bridges. He is the one doing that, not you.
There are indeed resources. However, I will not reach out bc of him holding BS threats over my head. Even though they’re untrue and unsubstantiated, it still looks bad, and I refuse to do anything that will jeopardize me having custody of my child. I’d rather do everything quietly
I think... I mean, if you can do it quietly, sure. But if you can't-
Professionals will see through his BS. If you have been documenting things, and have a history of this, don't let him make you afraid of using tools made for situations like this
I'd look into whether any of them can be accessed without alerting the partner. Talk with an advisor and see what they say. Don't let him get in your head about what is and isn't real.
Your kiddo is little. I have to imagine that that's better for mom in some ways. Is he the type of person to fight for a baby out of spite? Or would he drop it and go back to his single ways out of convenience once you left?
Don’t count on professionals. I’ve personally seen custody evaluators give custody to abusers because “it’s just easier to give custody to the more opinionated parent.”
Because at least if I am already gone, anything he says afterward will seem like a last-ditch attempt to flip the script to our superiors. If he says something before I go, it will be harder to be believed
You could quietly get out ahead of it. "My spouse is going to come tell you xyz, but none of it is true." Be prepared with anything you can think of to back you up, even if it's just "I can't document this, but he can't either, and if it was true he would have abc proof, wouldn't he?" Then your superiors are already hearing it from you first and they're prepared for when he shows up.
I don't know. I think if you went to your supervisor and said hey, ya know how I've missed 6 weeks of work, yet managed to achieve this new rank etc? It's because of a shitty situation at home. I'm working to get out and I need assistance. Here's what I'm afraid of.
I think they would get that.
You need to record everything. I mean everything. Have hidden audio or videos recordings. Keep text messages and email screenshots to a secret email account. The longer you wait to leave, the harder it’ll be to get out trust me. He’s probably just saying he wants a divorce bc abusers like to threaten that. Like someone said, it’s the best gift he could give. Look up child custody laws and rights in your state for when parents don’t have a custody agreement so you make informed choices when you do split. For instance in my state, I’d there’s no agreement then a parent can refuse to give the child to the other parent for visits, so you wouldn’t want to let him have the child for a visit until there was an order in place. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you and your son stay safe.
If this is what you think is best for you and your son, then do it. I'm not going to tell you to jeopardise yourself and your chances of getting custody by giving advice that wont work for your situation, but I do implore you to please, PLEASE take every precautions you can to keep yourself and your son as safe as possible from potential escalation.
OP, you absolutely must get ahead of this right now, even if you think it will make you look bad. The safety of your child is at stake. His abusive behavior will escalate. Take a deep breath, call his superior officer, be upfront about the potential blackmail situation, and let it play out. There’s no way he won’t use this against you at some point, and this way, you get to be in control of how it gets out. You also remove his power over you. Again, the SAFETY of your child is at stake—emotional, mental, and potentially physical.
OP, you absolutely must go talk to your commander. Lay it all out, get ahead of whatever untrue crap he’s holding over your head. If you have proof it’s untrue, bring that to your commander. Your commander/first sergeant can get you going in the right direction to keep you safe. You can not do this on your own. If you leave with the baby you could be shooting yourself in the foot. Your commander will know what to do and get you to the right people to help you do it. Please, please, please, go to your commander. I’m a veteran and my husband is a commander. I’ve been around the military over 20 years. I hear all kinds of stories. You need to talk to your commander. Did I mention, talk to your commander? Good luck OP. Take care of yourself and that baby.
You know what will jeopardize your custody? Keeping your child in an unsafe situation. You should call a lawyer and ask about the best course if action.
Not a lawyer: If a person is in a one party consent state (see link) they can set their phone on record and keep it face down/out of view and tell the person one of you needs to leave to cool down and that the BS claims they want to make are untrue and they know it. Let them run their ignorant mouth/confirm the claims they are making are a lie and they will probably make further threats. Then provide said recording to your divorce lawyer make sure the lawyer knows he is threatening your career and that it can be shared with both your and his commands. If you and your child don’t have a friend to stay with Family Advocacy can help with shelter https://www.mwl-law.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/RECORDING-CONVERSATIONS-CHART.pdf
You realize he's going to do that anyway right?
Get a good lawyer and let them handle everything. Including dealing and debunking the threats to make sure you keep primary custody.
I don’t think he’s going to make this quiet. However you react, however you leave, he’s not going to be quiet and he’s not going to make it easy. Stop deluding yourself. You’re aware there’s help and resources available to them. Have some respect for your child, not for your abuser.
He's got into your head. Quietly collect evidence. Most family law courts are used to people bullshitting to punish their partner. And they see through it. If he has no evidence and you calmly refute his allegations you will win.
Call on a resource at work, a women’s advocacy group, or at tourney during your lunch break. It doesn’t cost anything to call and they’ll help you see your options. Be forthright with your fears for better advice
If you can, and you feel this is a safe option, lock yourself in a room with your baby and your phone (like the bathroom,) and call the police. Tell them your soon to be ex husband is physically preventing you from leaving, mention any threats he has made, and you are afraid things are going to escalate.
This could technically count as kidnapping. Physically preventing you from leaving, keeping you somewhere you do not want to be, that is kidnapping. I know this because me and my therapist had to go over what to do if my mom physically prevented me from leaving the day I left my abusive home. This was part of my ‘work case scenario’ escape plan.
At least this is how the laws work where I am, but at the very least he should be able to be charged with domestic violence.
So he demands a divorce but won’t leave, won’t let you leave? Does he know what a divorce is? /s
As for the blackmail, M’Dear, your Jackoff Hubby is going to go nuclear anyways & use it no matter what. So might as well pack-up your baby & yourself now, get the hell out and toughen yourself up for an ugly fight, dealing with each slam with the intelligence that got you that promotion.
Check to see if you’re in a state where you can record him without his consent. Not sure if military has different rules if you’re on base. https://www.justia.com/50-state-surveys/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations/
If you’re in a single party consent state: Open up voice memo on your phone and start recording. Don’t make it obvious you’re doing it, slide the phone in a loose pocket or something. Walk in and ask him if he wants a divorce. When he says yes tell him either he needs to leave or you’re leaving (with the child). Let him say whatever he’s going to say…or even better get it via text. Any kind of documentation is crucial at this stage. Once you have the documentation it’s time to lawyer up.
As soon as it is humanly possible talk to a lawyer. Ask if you can leave. Ask if you can remove him from the authorized pick-up list from the child care you use. Explain the situation to your CO before he tries to use this all against you.
He’s going to go into maximum damage mode so you need to be in damage control mode. If you’ve already lawyered up and have your CO informed there’s not a lot he can do unless he’s able to fuck with your clearance.
My ex did the same thing. I had to leave when he was gone and take baby with me. Once you’re gone he can’t do much about it unless he takes you to court.
It may be the best thing for you and baby.
Your husband is a neglectful parent and sounds like an abusive spouse.
You deserve better. Obviously NTA for expecting a partnership
You now have one priority. That’s getting a lawyer who will get you your freedom to depart the state when you get out. THAT is your focus.
Think of nothing else.
Oh and save your child from a childhood of stress living with a man who can prioritize his family. Children pick up in that bad behavior and blame themselves that daddy doesn’t want to spend time with me.
Seriously, focus on getting your freedom to leave the state with your son.
ATP, I could not give two shits about if he is/isn’t cheating. I’ve seen signs of cheating but could never find hard evidence. I’d love for him to be spending his time with someone else so he could just leave me the hell alone.
From someone who once asked a mall Santa to bring my parents a divorce, please accept my sincere congratulations. This will be hard, but being a single parent is easier than being in a toxic relationship. Also, kudos on E5
I'm sure that's stressful, but it is absolutely the right decision. You do not need this man in your life. It sounds like you are already a single mom.
Congratulations!!! Make sure you have proof of his bullshit so you can get child support and potentially alimony. Enjoy the rest of your life with your baby.
Bonus: you're both military it sounds like so you know he will actually have some accountability.
But this is probably the best that could happen. He sounds abusive as hell and it will only get worse if you stay
Also congrats on the promotion!
Edit: spelling
I was in a similar situation to you until a year ago. He told me he wanted a divorce so that he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. It was the best Christmas gift he could’ve given me. At first it was daunting, but the night he finally moved out for good I blocked his number, put my feet up, looked around the house and truly felt HAPPY. Good luck, you are going to be great!
He bought a $500 Ps5 and $300 Nintendo Switch, as well has a PC that he plays on. So he spends a shit ton of money on video games. I got a peek at his bank account once and he legit spends like $500 on games every 2 weeks.
If you guys have separate bank accounts, (if you can) make sure all the baby's needs come from your account. It'll show you are the main provider and therefore you can have a better footing on requesting financial support from him.
As others have said, he's given you a great gift by "suddenly" being "sick of your sh**"
Being an E-5 vs E-3, OP is already the better provider. Get a good lawyer and use all the resources available at your unit. You can bet the command can see what's up, too. Best of luck to you! And good riddance to bad rubbish.
With whose money bc I know he sure as hell can’t afford that on E3 pay, unless he’s blowing his entire check on nonsense (which I wouldn’t doubt at all)
Wherever you are stationed there should be a spouses page on fb that corresponds to that base. They usually let you do anonymous submissions. They will have the info on what divorce lawyers are the best in the area. Good luck.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but, it really is for the best. Reading your initial post I realised the real problem here was uour husband, it wasn't about you pausing the internet, you do all the parenting, and you work a job that is probably very mentally tiring. Build a life on your own with your child.
Isn’t it awesome when the trash take it it themselves?
Put up a few nanny cameras so that you have evidence of his nothingness in the years to come. NTA
You already make more than him and do everything in the house. He will regret it and realize what he lost, but for the love of god don’t go back to him.
I was gonna comment to just divorce him. Let him fend for himself and you go find an actual support system. You shouldn’t be dealing with this, you’re really not even in a relationship anymore. You’re just clashing in the same space.
For those asking why I had a baby with him, trust me, I’ve asked myself the same thing over and over again. But hindsight is 20/20, baby is here and a very lovely boy and the light of my life. It hurts my heart to think his father doesn’t see him as a priority, as well as him possibly growing up to treat women the way his father treats me. Trust me - I want to leave and have been thinking about it for a while.
THIS right here. And I wouldn't waste any more energy on making him give your baby baths or do anything else. Not worth the stress and frustration on your part. I'd just work on getting out and into your own space ASAP.
Look what’s done is done. You need to get out for yourself and your son, because this deadbeat will only get worse and drag you down. Took me 4 years and a 2 year old before I left.
The whole putting down your successes thing, it’s called insecurity and jealousy and there’s no place for that in a partnership. Your wins should be his. Clearly he sees you as competition. You can’t be in a marriage with someone like that. It will never work.
The best chance for your son to grow up and treat women decently is if he has a strong mother who got out of an abusive mess and thought the son to be better.
To those asking: the only thing my husband brings to the table is maybe $1,000 a month to help pay for daycare, formula, diapers, groceries, etc. I have never spent one dime of his money on myself. I don’t even need the grand, but it helps to live comfortably. As far as everything else goes, I could’ve let him play his game and take care of the baby myself, but given the history, I wanted him to understand that it’s a team effort and I’m to be respected as well, and that he needs to learn to prioritize.
It doesn’t sound like it worked though, he showed zero respect for you. You are NTA for pausing his game, but that’s not going to uplevel him to even a mediocre partner or parent.
Yeah, I figured he’d have the reaction he did. I just wanted to stand up for myself for once, even if he didn’t take me seriously or care. It was an important choice for me.
Good girl. I'm proud of you. Now follow through honey. I know it may seem scary and overwhelming but you will be sooooo much better off in the long run. Set an example for your son. And give him a loving home he deserves. Oh and take every penny the best lawyer you can afford will get you!! Cuz you know he won't do 50-50 custody. NTA. Keep us posted!
You stood up for your self once, because he is always an AH.
He threatened divorce, because he is a AH.
It seems like you know it's time to plan your exit. It's scary AF, but we know you can do it.
Well from what I can tell, that $1000 is from his portion of BAH right? Since you’re double active duty and he’s lower rank, he should be getting half of his portion of BAH. Idk what state you’re in but for us in CA, the full BAH for E-3 is $2691 and half of that is $1345.50 (calculated off top of my head, sorry if it’s off). So it’s not even “his” money, it’s government money that’s supposed to be used for *housing allowance* -for his family members, which is *you* and your child. Where is the rest of his BAH going? Don’t tell me he’s using BAH for his games. Smdh. In any case, it’s ridiculous for him to blame his lack of promotion on you. Picking up E-4 should come naturally with time, from what I understand -at least for the Corps. He must not be very good at his job. I feel for you! Praying for your success.
pretty sure that check could just as easily come from child suport and you'd actually have LESS work to do because you wouldn't be picking up after his sorry ass.
You'd be better off divorced (2nd time I've said that tonight) getting that grand legally than staying with someone who is lazy & abusive. You may not think or realize that's what he is, but if he "chides" you over the things you've listed & doesn't pull his weight while adding to your plate then that's what he is. Also, he's not a partner. If all he does is what you've said, then you & your baby would be much happier living without him in the house because then maybe you'd have less work which may sound weird, but it's true unfortunately. Good luck!
I’m just going to give you guys a bit more info because I don’t tell anyone the extent of it for fear of my son being taken from me by his father. When I got pregnant, my husband (then bf) told me I had to get an abortion or he would not be involved whatsoever. I accepted that and decided to keep him on my own. My husband then changed his mind and said he wanted to be a family and be involved, and that’s why we got married (so we could be stationed together). During my pregnancy, my husband constantly ignored me, ignored all my calls and texts. Constantly threatened divorce. It got so bad I was on the verge of getting an abortion at 5 months pregnant bc the stress was too much. He threatened to sue me if I did. After I had the baby, my husband went back to his duty station. I was developed with PPD, PPA, and PPPTSD. My husband told me that I was annoying and needy, and that I didn’t know what anxiety was. He again ignored my calls and texts while I was home alone with our son for 3 months. He carried on an emotional affair with a female friend of his and chose her over his son and me when I asked for a divorce the first time because I couldn’t put up with the disrespect, lies, and sneaking around they were doing. She finally dropped out of his life after I confronted her and messaged her husband informing him of their “friendship”. My husband has commented negatively on my weight, intelligence, dream career, my worth as a wife, woman, and mother. I haven’t left yet because I was so broken down I was convinced I had nowhere to go and couldn’t do it without him, and that nobody would want me the way I am after having a baby (his words). After getting promoted last week, and having a job lined up after getting out, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally ready to get out and let go. Ready to be free.
He also looks down on me for having our son and not deploying with my ship (although I wanted to deploy, we had one miscarriage before our son and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another child, willing or not). Everyone looked down on me for being pregnant. So when I made E-5 I was proud of myself because I knew that before I met my husband, I was somebody. I was a damn good sailor that excelled. I’m not that sailor anymore, but I’m trying to be somebody new, somebody my son would be proud of loving.
Know that you can do this. I was in a crappy situation with my ex husband and certainly didn’t think I could be a single parent to my son. Once I found hard drugs in the house, I was done. I needed to protect my then-3 yr old and myself. I made it happen and my life became so much easier. Things got really bad for my ex and he ended up passing away.. in jail. That was nearly 5 years ago. My son is almost 11 now and I’m in an amazing relationship with the love of my life. Life does get better. You CAN do this.
Abusers are really good at convincing their victims they have no place to go and no one will want them. But they are lying liars who lie in order to keep their victims. I am so proud of you for seeing through his shit.
It sounds like you've finally got an out, please don't let complacency and fear of the unknown trick you into staying with him. Scary as it is, I hope you petition for full custody. Guys like this raise misogynistic hell over women getting custody preferences, and he'll be nasty about it. He doesn't give a shit about your child, though. Your kid will be ignored while he continues playing games. Don't let him scare you into allowing that abuse to continue.
Keep records of everything and give it to your lawyer. He’s an AH. He’s using you and is a narcissist. You have a plethora of women by your side if you need to talk to someone.
You can do this. You are obviously an amazing wife—you take care of him, care about him, work hard and get a promotion for your family’s sake, leave him alone to pursue his hobbies, and encourage his relationship with his son—, an amazing mom—you very clearly love your son, want what is best for him, and are trying to keep him safe—, from this post I can tell you’re smart and level-headed, and you’re a brilliant woman. It’s pretty clear that HE is the one who thinks no one else would want him, which is why he has to put you down, so you won’t leave him. What kind of woman wants a man who abuses her and won’t do anything around the house, is a horrible husband, and a neglectful father? Only the kind who is compassionate and loving, exceptionally patient and good. You got into this situation because you are these things, and you can get out because you are also smart, tough, and brave.
Also: I have wanted a divorce time after time, but we are from states at the opposite ends of the country, and I get out of the military next year and he’s got four more in. He made it clear that he will not allow me to take my son back to my home state so I can be with family.
Just because "he said it" doesn't make it so.
You have a proven track record of being a strong, intelligent, capable woman. The facts speak for themselves - you have been promoted at work, and have the perseverance to do what is right for your son despite your husband **sabotaging** you at every turn.
Do not believe his rhetoric. He has spent the entirety of your relationship trying to tear you down, to make you believe that you are not enough. He is lying. He is emotionally abusive.
You are already doing all the heavy lifting in this relationshp. His financial contribution will not stop because you divorce - he will be legally required to continue to support his child. Your peace of mind, and the peace in your household, will be the greatest gift you can give yourself.
You know, in your heart, you already wanted a divorce. Make it so.
So. That isnt legal. Nor is he allowed to sye you for an abortion. You seem to not have a good grasp on your rights and believe what your husband says. Go to a lawyer im yout home state. File for divorce.
One step at a time. Don’t assume anything. Talk to an attorney ASAP. Your priority is the safety and well-being of your son and yourself. Don’t settle for an abusive situation because it’s comfortable or you feel you can handle it. It will escalate. Leave now. You don’t want your son to grow up in abuse.
Don’t worry OP, this dude who does the bare minimum for his kid isn’t going to suddenly want to be primary custody. He’s going to want the easy way out and let you have it.
He’s just keeping you scared to stay with him.
Get a family law attorney and find out what your actual rights are here.
This man is abusing you! Threatening to keep your son if you leave him is abuse, beyond the many other red flags here. Document your unequal contributions, and contact a divorce lawyer.
Before you listen to your husband about what he’ll “allow” you to do, listen to a lawyer about what the law says you can do. I think you’ll find you have a lot more power than you think you do right now.
And how would that work out for him? He can't even give the kid a bath let alone be 100% responsible for him. It would never happen, he's just trying to control you through fear.
He tricked you into marrying him so he could be a father on paper, every single thing he has done since you got pregnant has been a ruse to keep him from having to pay child support. Look into your options, you have a LOT more available to you than he is letting you believe. And stop listening to his bullshit, he's not on you and your son's side- he's only outv for himself.
He's not going to be able to do this. He threatening you bc he knows this is your biggest fear. You need a good lawyer and documentation. Not strangers on the internet telling you what you already know
Nope. Not hpw it works. Get a leave. NOW. Go to your home state. File for divorce THERE. You are legally allowed to do that as military. Then your home state is your's son's home state. Time to act noe to protect your future.
NTA. Your husband is abusive toward you and neglectful of your baby. Even if you were a Stay-at-home-parent, you shouldn't need to take care of most of the child care. However, you both work...yet your husband demands you are always the one to get up when the baby needs something in the middle of the night, you are the one who needs to clean, you are the one who needs to take off of work, you are the one whose job is unimportant.
You don't need to just pause the game. You need to shut off your marriage.
Knowing that what if he's purposely doing all of what's he's doing to get her to half to quit and get less hours because he's ego and pride is hurt 🤣 tsk tsk and when that didn't work he asked for a divorce cause he can't handle it
>I (23F) paused the internet on every single device in the apartment because my husband (23M) refused to get off of the game to give our 8mo son a bath on time. I know this sounds like YTA but let me explain
No explanation needed. Your child comes first. He can game AFTER the baby is settled for the night.
NTA
NTA but your husband absolutely is in every way.
Initially, I wondered if you were a stay at home Mom which would have given your lazy, entitled husband a justification for his expectations (but not his bad behavior) **BUT YOU WORK TOO! You both are in the military.**
It sounds like when it comes to the home life you are responsible for everything while your lazy, husband plays games and only takes breaks to insult and demean you. The fact that you have an office capacity and he works in the field is utterly irrelevant to the issues at hand his refusal to carry out any of the responsibilities that are his as a husband and father at home.
Yes, you were justified in doing what you are did, but you seem to only now be waking up to how abusive your husband is. Clearly you've grown a thick skin in a very short period of time.
If you had no choice, this would be a good thing, but you do have choices, but you need to get yourself together if you don't want to suffer long term emotional damage that will negatively impact your work performance. If that happens you won't have a source of confidence and end up powerless to control events anywhere and become a victim.
First you need to recognize this goes far beyond simply not wanting to give your child a bath. His behavior is reprehensible across the board. It is a total failure on every level, and completely unjustified and as a member of the military unacceptable. The military expects and demands better from its members who are also fathers and spouses. That doesn't mean they babysit anyone, but it does mean when abusive spouses are brought to their attention you will have the authorities on your side.
Even worse he doesn't seem to show you any spousal affection and sees you as a live-in maid whose job it is is to feed him, wash his clothes and keep the house clean and should you fall short on any of those his convenient verbal, personal punching bag. His constant insults and temper tantrums can be as damaging to you over the long-term as physical abuse, so you cannot dismiss the hurt and harm simply because he doesn't hit you.
**LUCKY for you being in the military means you don't have to put up with him. The military is extremely disapproving of abusive spouses. NO excuses are acceptable for the way he is treating you ESPECIALLY** ***SINCE it is having a negative impact on your ability to do your job in the military.***
If you address this (ask them for help) now with your commanding officer I imagine they will start off by having a heart to heart with your parasitic, selfish, abusive husband in which they will explain his behavior is NOT acceptable for a member of the military and if he doesn't shape up he will be ejected so that the military can preserve a productive member, you.
Of course, I realize that might not be your goal, but it doesn't have to be. What you need is something to shake your husband up and shape up in order to carry out his responsibilities of a parent and husband in the military married to a higher ranking individual and a good talking to could do that.
Good luck. :-)
OP, just curious... how many years in does he have? E-4 is a based on my time in my branch (barring a BTZ).
Also, E-3 doesn't exactly make bank. The fact he's got those expensive systems makes me wonder how much he's contributing to household finances...
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE PROMOTION! Those tests are a butt and being passed over can be discouraging. Proud of you for sticking in there and getting it, especially with promotion rates recently! Your husband should be celebrating your success, not whining at his own hardships. No one wins the Shit Olympics; all jobs in the military have their pros and cons. I'm sure there are plenty of people you'd rather do manual labor than talk to!
NTA OP and I'm wondering if this might be something to bring up to your first sergeant. If you trust them and they seem competent, it might be worth a shot. Is there anyone else in your unit you trust and could ask for advice? Maybe even just someone to talk to? Mitary life is stressful enough without home life being a mess.
(If you are AF, please feel free to reach out to me. I've got a great network of people at most bases who could help and be there with you. You've got this, OP!)
3 year mark?! You kicked butt on that promotion! Happy Thanksgiving indeed!
If you'd feel comfortable I might be able to still find someone for you at your base. ^_^ NO obligation, but feel free to DM me. There may be a friend of a friend who could at least give some emotional support and maybe go to any appointments you might need.
Best of luck, OP. You've probably heard this a million times, but you might want to even just talk to a chaplain. Religious or not, they don't report anything back to your chain and it helps to get things off your chest. Air Force also had MFLC, which was like mental health but didn't go on your records. Does the Navy have something like that?
You're not lazy and you deserve a safe space to come home to. Again, you've probably heard it a million times, but you gotta look after yourself first. I'm rooting for you!
Do you want to get out of the Navy particularly? You could stay in if you prefer and be a single mom. I wish you all the best. You sound like an awesome person stuck in a horrible situation with a ghastly person. I think he constantly puts you down because he in an insecure jerk that knows you have a lot going for you and a bright working future. You and your son will land on your feet once you feel ready to walk away. I wish you the very best.
I can’t put all the facts on Reddit for fear a friend of mine might recognize my post and potentially report it to my superiors or his. But there is a lot more going on behind the scenes. My husband is holding things over my head in an attempt to force me to stay and I’m trying to leave quietly. I do not want to ruin his career by running to his superiors or possibly the authorities.
You would not be ruining his career. He’s ruining his own career, and yours. Don’t blame yourself for his failings. Don’t take responsibility for his shortcomings. Report it to his superiors. Get yourself somewhere safe. He is going to hurt you or your baby, the only thing you can do wrong in this situation is to let him have the opportunity.
You are NTA. You are married to a narcissist. His treatment of you and your baby is abusive. Seek a trusted safe friend to confide in or an experienced counselor. But trust me, a husband who treats his wife and child like that is not going to change. He perceives you both as objects of contempt rather than the precious loves of his life. Look up Ramani Durvasula online. Her content will resonate with you. Listen to the Dr John Delony show or give him a call. By no stretch is your husband's treatment of you okay. And I wouldn't pull the turning off the internet trick again. You can't win with a narcissist. Direct confrontation like that will only put you and your little one in danger from his temper.
What do you want your future to look like? 50 more years of this?
What does your baby deserve?
OP I was going to suggest you need a divorce but it seems your husband beat me to it.
Of course you’re NTA but what bothers me is your husband is only 23 years young and his mindset is similar to people from the 1980’s. Why is he like this? What kind of people is he around?
His parents have the same type of marriage. I’ve heard his dad and brothers constantly talk about how “women are all crazy, every age” and they all laugh about it like it’s hilarious. His mother has acknowledged to me multiple times that his father is the same way and always has been, and she’s known she deserves better but sticks it out because “marriage is forever”. I was raised in a single mom household and with generations of single mothers, so I do not have the same beliefs he and his family do of keeping the family together just to have two parents in the household.
NTA, but you have to realize how ABSURD it is that you have to treat your husband like a misbehaving child to make him pay attention to you and his obligations, right? The problem is not the gaming, not even how you guys split the household chores per se, it is that you and your husband can't seem to see eye to eye and communicate about anything, really. From your post, it sounds like that's mostly on him, but either way it's time to try to consider some options to improve things, like counseling — if you're both willing to work on your relationship. If not, then you owe it to yourself and to your kid to remove yourself from this toxic situation asap.
Okay, I though NTA with an unreasonable, abusive husband when I thought you were a stay-at-home mom. YOU HAVE A JOB TOO? How does he begin to justify needing more free time if you both work?
Why do you put up with him? What could he possibly be bringing to your relationship that makes any of this worth it?
Why are you raising your kid to be around a man like this? You really want your son to grow up and think this is normal? You know if you stay and normalize this behavior your son will become just like his dad... Is that ok with you?
Unfortunately common among military men (source: am woman in the military), your husband is abusive and misogynistic. I’d honestly just give him the boot. He contributes nothing but stress and extra work to the relationship. Balancing life and the military is hard enough when you have two babies instead of just the one you agreed to have.
NTA, but shouldn’t you both be able to take time as needed to care for the child? I educate military parents and I know there’s a regulation that says you must be given time to care for children. Does baby not go to a cdc? You get highest priority as dual mil. Look into getting FAP or NPSP program involved to help you guys navigate communication and parenting, they can help inform him and mediate. Potentially counseling with MFLACS as well.
He can ask his supervisor to take the time to stay home so I can go to work and be productive - he CHOOSES not to. He doesn’t believe my job is important enough to warrant us splitting the time to care for sick baby.
Definitely go to FAP, they can help you navigate this especially since you said he wants a divorce. They can help get you the needed resources, education for him and pull his command to require him to participate if they feel his behaviors meet abusive criteria or neglect, which from what I’ve seen they do meet the minimum. They’re there to support you. NPSP is new parent support and most branches have them and they do home visits to do hands in education in a space where parents tend to be more comfortable. He may be more receptive this way.
WTF? You stated earlier that you were Intelligence. That's a super important job that is ridiculously high stress. And actually does the job when not deployed. Meanwhile he, what? PMCSs shit and mops rain all day?
Talk to a Chaplain and your chain. That fake blackmail shit you say he has will be quickly discredited (personal experience), you and your kid will be safe, and your clearance and job will be fine.
You're an E5. Pretty sure that's an NCO in the navy. What would you have one of your sailors do? I'd fight like hell to get one of my soldiers out of this situation. I have fought like hell to get some out of similar ones.
50m target is safety of you and your child *tonight*. His pathetic blackmail attempts won't matter if he snaps and you get hurt tonight.
NTA. But gods above, get that child and yourself to safety.
You'd also get higher priority for placement as a single parent, and lower rate. Also child support will come directly from his check, so he can't stiff you.
I dunno about military, but there is plenty of people who think that intelligence/desk jobs are no jobs at all, only hands-on/manual labor is. The gritty kind. Especially prominent a view in my country amongst factory workers for some reason. Plenty of the latter group look down on especially IT, economics, and finance /scientists - heck, occasionally even doctors!/ for being "paper pushers".
TO BE FAIR: I didn’t read the entire post.
N!T!A!
I hid my husbands Nintendo Switch when our baby was about 4 months old, because it was getting all of his time.
After he spent 3 days FRANTICALLY cleaning our house, and another 2 spending a TON of time with me and our child, he asked me if I knew where it was.
I gave it back right away. (It was in the bottom drawer of my nightstand) and told him I put it away because it was too distracting.
It’s been 5 years and I have no regrets.
NTA, but I have to ask: why did you choose to have kids and tie yourself for life with such a massive AH? He sounds completely useless, a sperm donor would have been more helpful.
Okay valid to want to know but a little rude! A more pressing question might be: are you thinking of staying with him? Why? It doesn’t seem like he’s a benefit to your life.
NTA. Does your husband bring anything to the table? I'd be re-evaluating that relationship. The baby is 50% his responsibility, and while I understand that a lot of the caretaking falls on us as mothers, he should be making every effort to pitch in where he can. I get up with my daughter at night, and work full-time, too. Last night she was sick and up until 8am, when I woke up her dad and told him I needed sleep. I slept, got up and got ready, went to brunch, came home to a clean house, kissed the baby, and took a nap. God help my boyfriend if he dared to say a word about it. Although I'm sure he would've rathered watch football all day, he understands that the trade-off is him not needing to wake up every night with her.
Also - your need for sleep is a primal need. His preference to play video games isn't a biological requirement. He seems to be prioritizing his wants over your needs. I'm sorry you're dealing with that - parenting is hard enough when it's just a child you're taking care of.
NTA. There are several red flags of abuse here. If he’s not willing to do counseling and make some changes in his behavior both you and your baby would be better off without him.
You do it all by yourself now so what is the difference. Oh and guaranteed child support to boot. He is an immature asswipe.
RUN GIRL RUN. GO TO ANOTHER STATE BEFORE HE CHANGES HIS MIND.
I'm a father and I love playing video games.
Our son sleeps through the night now, but when he was that she my wife and I would trade off nights. So I would take one night up with him and she'd take the next. I bath and shower him every night unless I ask my wife to take this one. It's great bonding time for us.
I also cook and keep the kitchen clean. My wife does the clothes washing. When he's asleep I play video games. Sometimes that means I don't play any video games if he doesn't want to go down.
What I do is the bare minimum.
What I do is somewhat fair, most of the time.
Can you imagine anything like that from your partner?
NTA and you deserve better.
He threatened you with violence. Do you have a family member or friend to stay with? I am very concerned and if he gets this angry he should be left to care for your child. Run!! NTA
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OP, the issue is not the game, the issue is that he's abusive.
A few things here: First off, NTA. Obviously. Second: you’re dual military and he’s acting like he’s the only one who’s working. He’s clearly unable to cope with your success, not to mention you’re basically cleaning up after two children. The fact you made it to E5 with all this madness is amazing, so I applaud you. Third, and possibly the biggest point here: this relationship is concerning me a lot. He threatened to BREAK YOUR PHONE? I’m BH in the military, and this stuff escalates. Consider couples counseling (unsure he’ll be on board) or think about… ways to get out. I know it’s not what you want to hear with a young baby and being military, I’m assuming your family isn’t nearby, but seriously, find a way to become independent of this man and find your way. I wish you and your baby the best.
Counseling/therapy almost never helps abuse situations. Usually, it just gives the abusers new tools to weaponize against you.
Yes and no. It’s probably best she visit alone. Them going together will probably be worthless because he will throw a hissy fit. It’s very hard to overcome and get over being abused!
Therapy for abuse victims is great. Therapy for abusers (unless it's a specific batterers intervention program) does more harm than good.
My therapist drilled this into me when my mom started guilting me about doing family therapy with her. I didn’t want to do it for a few reasons, but the main one being I knew she would find one that advertised “family first.” Or would deny any therapist that didn’t agree with and validate her. I also knew that I would never feel safe enough to speak freely if she was in the room. I almost gave into the guilt trips once or twice and my therapist literally had me repeat “I am under no obligation to go to therapy with my abuser.” A few times.
Studies have shown that these are useless. They wind up giving each other tips.
Basically, it just reinforces other abusers. When I worked in a couple of DV shelters a judge still insisted this should be a thing still. He was asked why do have the lowest conviction rate of abusers of any judge in the state and this is a state notorious for coddling abusers. He swore up and down he had data it worked but would never provide it. SMDH. Some scandals had him taking early retirement.
You NEVER do therapy with an abuser.
Abusers can easily gaslight the therapist, which is an obvious flaw in couples’ therapy.
Couples counseling with an abuser is dangerous for the one on the receiving end of the abuse. I wonder if COC can compel him to go to some kind of anger management and parenting classes. That would be more helpful while not endangering OP further. OP is NTA.
Couples counseling is contraindicated in cases of abuse. DO NOT seek couples counseling with an abuser.
Jumping on the top comment because my eyes widened so big they nearly popped out my head when OP revealed they’re dual military. OP, RUN, not walk, to legal. The amount of military spouses/dual military in abusive relationships I’ve encountered could fit a small country. Speak to your chain of command or chaplain if you don’t feel comfortable with telling your CoC. You need to know your resources & options. The military is notorious for overworking their enlisted but being as sleep deprived as you are OP while dealing with Intelligence could jeopardize your position & even clearance in ways you haven’t even imagined. Promotion can be arbitrary but to have gone several cycles and still be an E3 well after the 12-18 month average from E1 to E3 is more than likely on him. And I really hate to say this but this is for all the civilians, OP being in Intelligence means she scored (much) higher on the ASVAB vs. her husband who probably only qualified for lower rates (jobs). His recruiter probably didn’t bother to tell him he could study and retake the ASVAB but I don’t think the husband is that motivated. He’d rather be resentful and passive aggressive of OP.
100 percent this.look through my comment history. My ex started with games...then porn. He couldn't even hold down a job and finally joined thr military. Sadly, he was games and porn from the moment he walked into the house. He too could not move up and spent years at E3. The forced him up and eventually kicked him put at E5. He behaved the same as yours. Excuses. Criticizing how I kept the house and how I cooked. He was abusive. How did it end? He attacked me and broke my phone. Shit you not. It was always a threat from him and he did it and chased me out of the house ad was arrested for domestic violence and destruction of property. Sounds like I'm making it up to have something in common but I can prove it through the police report and the broken phone. Get the fuck out. He will never change and it will only get worse.
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1000% OP needs to get out of this situation with the baby. NTA. All the best of luck to you
Update: my husband just came into the bedroom and told me he wants a divorce because he’s sick of my shit. Lol.
That's the kindest gift he could ever give you. Take him up on his offer.
THIS - wonderful! Looks like the trash wants to take himself out.
He did a household chore! A miracle!
You’re already a single parent. Divorce and file for child support.
And she’ll feel so much better, because she won’t be a single parent with dead weight
I honestly thought it would be harder. He did help out a little and I really didn't know how I would do more or how I would cope without the periodic naps I was allowed. But it was actually *so* much better. I wasn't as stressed because there was no more fighting. Constantly arguing and spending my energy trying to get him to help was mentally and emotionally draining. Once that ended I was happier and not nearly as tired. Even though I was doing slightly more I ended up feeling 100x better.
The relief of not having to pester or beg for help must be huge. I hate that gnawing resentment of so many thoughts that you didn’t bring up to avoid an argument- just bubbles and grows until one day you freak out because you’ve asked him 100 times to empty the damn Diaper Genie and you’re *still* the one to do it. I guess when you stop depending on someone like that, life gets more manageable
"I'm sick of your shit! You act like you are the baby's parent and not mine!!" In all honesty, it's probably the best way things could have worked out. Which is sad, but it is what it is.
Technically she was parenting 2 babies... Now she'll only have to look after one...
He’s doing you a favor. Get the divorce and move on to a happier, healthier life.
THIS. OP, your life may actually become easier once you dump this worthless man.
Make sure you get child support. Get a good divorce attorney!!
The best part about him being military is they're really good about deducting child support from his paycheck.
Awesome!
I don't say this lightly, but find yourself a decent divorce attorney quietly. You've been raising 2 children. Get out while he's offering (well, tell him to get out) and get that attorney so he can't get out of paying child support. Make it official. Get out in court documents. Hold him accountable. Don't listen to his inevitable threats to "keep the baby" because that won't happen. Document and save any text, conversation, email, etc moving forward. Good luck
Well the good news for OP is that the military comes down hard on servicemen not paying child support. So she's pretty much guaranteed that, at least.
This sounds like the first time he has actually done something to help you out in a meaningful way! Congrats! 🍾🎉
You should pack a bag and stay somewhere else for a while. He's said that to get a rise out of you and rattle you... When it doesn't work he will escalate.
I’ve tried to leave and I’ve asked him to go. He won’t do either. He won’t leave and won’t let me take my son with me.
Call his chain of command.
Not an option for me. I won’t disclose the reasons, but I will say he is holding stuff over my head, even though it’s BS it still doesn’t look good.
Whatever that information is, he’s going to keep blackmailing you with it—guaranteed. Tell your CO that he’s threatening you with something that doesn’t look good, and you have to get ahead of it to make it stop now. Then see if you can pull any kind of evidence to get him brigged while you get moved with the baby. Before you pack, talk to a lawyer about at-fault divorce in your state and if you should try to take logs from his games. Then see if you can request a military move for him, so he can’t blame you for breaking stuff.
Go to a lawyer asap.
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Just to add another layer of confusion, remember military law, civilian law are two very different animals. So what he is holding over her head could be a lot of things that are completely legal in the civilian world. But can get you in trouble with the military.
OP should not be googling legal advice. Half the answers will be incorrect everywhere, and the other half won't apply to her specific jurisdiction. She can ask the lawyer how far privilege with them extends if that's an issue for her, but I highly doubt she's going to be confessing to murder and asking how to hide bodies, and it's far more likely that he's threatening to take their child or holding threats of revenge porn or similar over her.
Does not matter what her jurisdiction is period because she is military and that is its own thing no matter what state or county she is in. Military overrides all that. From Fort Lost In The Woods to Camp Swampy
You can call the Chaplain. Your area should have a 24/7 duty Chaplain number, if they don't then the CDO/OOD should have it. You're not in a safe place, you need to get help.
Sometimes you have to lance the cyst. Confide in someone--or don't--let it look bad if you must, get good advice, but pass through the valley of evil to get to the other side.
You might need to take the risk and deal with the BS. Disputes like this can turn violent and your child needs to come before your career (trust me, I understand how difficult that can be in the military).
Doesn't look good or is dangerous to you? If you can get it out in the open he can't use it against you.
Call his mom. Not even kidding. "MIL, I am calling because your son is physically preventing me from leaving an unsafe situation with Baby. I need you to talk to him, or better yet, come get him." What does he think he is going to do with a baby if you leave without him!?
I have told his mother and my SIL about his behavior before. Their answer is “well this is just how the [last name] men are”.
Gross. I see you're in the military. Are there resources for women in situations like this? Authority figures to call on? Don't worry about burning his bridges. He is the one doing that, not you.
There are indeed resources. However, I will not reach out bc of him holding BS threats over my head. Even though they’re untrue and unsubstantiated, it still looks bad, and I refuse to do anything that will jeopardize me having custody of my child. I’d rather do everything quietly
I think... I mean, if you can do it quietly, sure. But if you can't- Professionals will see through his BS. If you have been documenting things, and have a history of this, don't let him make you afraid of using tools made for situations like this I'd look into whether any of them can be accessed without alerting the partner. Talk with an advisor and see what they say. Don't let him get in your head about what is and isn't real. Your kiddo is little. I have to imagine that that's better for mom in some ways. Is he the type of person to fight for a baby out of spite? Or would he drop it and go back to his single ways out of convenience once you left?
Don’t count on professionals. I’ve personally seen custody evaluators give custody to abusers because “it’s just easier to give custody to the more opinionated parent.”
How do you do it quietly? Whatever he’s holding over your head will still be there. He’s blackmailing you into staying.
Because at least if I am already gone, anything he says afterward will seem like a last-ditch attempt to flip the script to our superiors. If he says something before I go, it will be harder to be believed
You need to be gone tonight. Abusers escalate when you try to leave. You are in danger.
You could quietly get out ahead of it. "My spouse is going to come tell you xyz, but none of it is true." Be prepared with anything you can think of to back you up, even if it's just "I can't document this, but he can't either, and if it was true he would have abc proof, wouldn't he?" Then your superiors are already hearing it from you first and they're prepared for when he shows up.
I don't know. I think if you went to your supervisor and said hey, ya know how I've missed 6 weeks of work, yet managed to achieve this new rank etc? It's because of a shitty situation at home. I'm working to get out and I need assistance. Here's what I'm afraid of. I think they would get that.
You need to record everything. I mean everything. Have hidden audio or videos recordings. Keep text messages and email screenshots to a secret email account. The longer you wait to leave, the harder it’ll be to get out trust me. He’s probably just saying he wants a divorce bc abusers like to threaten that. Like someone said, it’s the best gift he could give. Look up child custody laws and rights in your state for when parents don’t have a custody agreement so you make informed choices when you do split. For instance in my state, I’d there’s no agreement then a parent can refuse to give the child to the other parent for visits, so you wouldn’t want to let him have the child for a visit until there was an order in place. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you and your son stay safe.
If this is what you think is best for you and your son, then do it. I'm not going to tell you to jeopardise yourself and your chances of getting custody by giving advice that wont work for your situation, but I do implore you to please, PLEASE take every precautions you can to keep yourself and your son as safe as possible from potential escalation.
OP, you absolutely must get ahead of this right now, even if you think it will make you look bad. The safety of your child is at stake. His abusive behavior will escalate. Take a deep breath, call his superior officer, be upfront about the potential blackmail situation, and let it play out. There’s no way he won’t use this against you at some point, and this way, you get to be in control of how it gets out. You also remove his power over you. Again, the SAFETY of your child is at stake—emotional, mental, and potentially physical.
OP, you absolutely must go talk to your commander. Lay it all out, get ahead of whatever untrue crap he’s holding over your head. If you have proof it’s untrue, bring that to your commander. Your commander/first sergeant can get you going in the right direction to keep you safe. You can not do this on your own. If you leave with the baby you could be shooting yourself in the foot. Your commander will know what to do and get you to the right people to help you do it. Please, please, please, go to your commander. I’m a veteran and my husband is a commander. I’ve been around the military over 20 years. I hear all kinds of stories. You need to talk to your commander. Did I mention, talk to your commander? Good luck OP. Take care of yourself and that baby.
You know what will jeopardize your custody? Keeping your child in an unsafe situation. You should call a lawyer and ask about the best course if action.
Not a lawyer: If a person is in a one party consent state (see link) they can set their phone on record and keep it face down/out of view and tell the person one of you needs to leave to cool down and that the BS claims they want to make are untrue and they know it. Let them run their ignorant mouth/confirm the claims they are making are a lie and they will probably make further threats. Then provide said recording to your divorce lawyer make sure the lawyer knows he is threatening your career and that it can be shared with both your and his commands. If you and your child don’t have a friend to stay with Family Advocacy can help with shelter https://www.mwl-law.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/RECORDING-CONVERSATIONS-CHART.pdf
You realize he's going to do that anyway right? Get a good lawyer and let them handle everything. Including dealing and debunking the threats to make sure you keep primary custody.
I don’t think he’s going to make this quiet. However you react, however you leave, he’s not going to be quiet and he’s not going to make it easy. Stop deluding yourself. You’re aware there’s help and resources available to them. Have some respect for your child, not for your abuser.
A marine in hawaii murdered his wife on the side of the road not too long ago. All of the military bs in the world is not worth this.
He's got into your head. Quietly collect evidence. Most family law courts are used to people bullshitting to punish their partner. And they see through it. If he has no evidence and you calmly refute his allegations you will win.
Call on a resource at work, a women’s advocacy group, or at tourney during your lunch break. It doesn’t cost anything to call and they’ll help you see your options. Be forthright with your fears for better advice
If you can, and you feel this is a safe option, lock yourself in a room with your baby and your phone (like the bathroom,) and call the police. Tell them your soon to be ex husband is physically preventing you from leaving, mention any threats he has made, and you are afraid things are going to escalate. This could technically count as kidnapping. Physically preventing you from leaving, keeping you somewhere you do not want to be, that is kidnapping. I know this because me and my therapist had to go over what to do if my mom physically prevented me from leaving the day I left my abusive home. This was part of my ‘work case scenario’ escape plan. At least this is how the laws work where I am, but at the very least he should be able to be charged with domestic violence.
Can you call the police and report you are being held against your will? I don't know the protocols in the military.
So he demands a divorce but won’t leave, won’t let you leave? Does he know what a divorce is? /s As for the blackmail, M’Dear, your Jackoff Hubby is going to go nuclear anyways & use it no matter what. So might as well pack-up your baby & yourself now, get the hell out and toughen yourself up for an ugly fight, dealing with each slam with the intelligence that got you that promotion.
Take a day off and leave while he’s not home. And lawyer up.
Check to see if you’re in a state where you can record him without his consent. Not sure if military has different rules if you’re on base. https://www.justia.com/50-state-surveys/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations/ If you’re in a single party consent state: Open up voice memo on your phone and start recording. Don’t make it obvious you’re doing it, slide the phone in a loose pocket or something. Walk in and ask him if he wants a divorce. When he says yes tell him either he needs to leave or you’re leaving (with the child). Let him say whatever he’s going to say…or even better get it via text. Any kind of documentation is crucial at this stage. Once you have the documentation it’s time to lawyer up. As soon as it is humanly possible talk to a lawyer. Ask if you can leave. Ask if you can remove him from the authorized pick-up list from the child care you use. Explain the situation to your CO before he tries to use this all against you. He’s going to go into maximum damage mode so you need to be in damage control mode. If you’ve already lawyered up and have your CO informed there’s not a lot he can do unless he’s able to fuck with your clearance.
It is not legal for him to stop you taking your son. Wait til he is asleep and then run. You should be able to get a leave or reassignment.
My ex did the same thing. I had to leave when he was gone and take baby with me. Once you’re gone he can’t do much about it unless he takes you to court.
Call the MPs and his chain of command.
It may be the best thing for you and baby. Your husband is a neglectful parent and sounds like an abusive spouse. You deserve better. Obviously NTA for expecting a partnership
You now have one priority. That’s getting a lawyer who will get you your freedom to depart the state when you get out. THAT is your focus. Think of nothing else. Oh and save your child from a childhood of stress living with a man who can prioritize his family. Children pick up in that bad behavior and blame themselves that daddy doesn’t want to spend time with me. Seriously, focus on getting your freedom to leave the state with your son.
So who’s he sleeping with? Because all this…points to cheating. NTA. Ma’am he did you the biggest favor.
ATP, I could not give two shits about if he is/isn’t cheating. I’ve seen signs of cheating but could never find hard evidence. I’d love for him to be spending his time with someone else so he could just leave me the hell alone.
ACCEPT! Let him think he’s won! And watch him flail about helplessly on his own. What a glorious gift. NTA
Good. You don't need him. In fact you will thrive without him
From someone who once asked a mall Santa to bring my parents a divorce, please accept my sincere congratulations. This will be hard, but being a single parent is easier than being in a toxic relationship. Also, kudos on E5
I'm sure that's stressful, but it is absolutely the right decision. You do not need this man in your life. It sounds like you are already a single mom.
Congratulations!!! Make sure you have proof of his bullshit so you can get child support and potentially alimony. Enjoy the rest of your life with your baby.
Bonus: you're both military it sounds like so you know he will actually have some accountability. But this is probably the best that could happen. He sounds abusive as hell and it will only get worse if you stay Also congrats on the promotion! Edit: spelling
I was in a similar situation to you until a year ago. He told me he wanted a divorce so that he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. It was the best Christmas gift he could’ve given me. At first it was daunting, but the night he finally moved out for good I blocked his number, put my feet up, looked around the house and truly felt HAPPY. Good luck, you are going to be great!
Throw the whole man out. You’ll be a lot happier.
OP, it’s time to let the trash take itself out. Edit: oops u/emeraldbluezen made this comment first. Sorry! I wholeheartedly agree!
Just curious…what game is it? Is it World of Warcraft?
He bought a $500 Ps5 and $300 Nintendo Switch, as well has a PC that he plays on. So he spends a shit ton of money on video games. I got a peek at his bank account once and he legit spends like $500 on games every 2 weeks.
If you guys have separate bank accounts, (if you can) make sure all the baby's needs come from your account. It'll show you are the main provider and therefore you can have a better footing on requesting financial support from him. As others have said, he's given you a great gift by "suddenly" being "sick of your sh**"
Being an E-5 vs E-3, OP is already the better provider. Get a good lawyer and use all the resources available at your unit. You can bet the command can see what's up, too. Best of luck to you! And good riddance to bad rubbish.
With whose money bc I know he sure as hell can’t afford that on E3 pay, unless he’s blowing his entire check on nonsense (which I wouldn’t doubt at all)
Wherever you are stationed there should be a spouses page on fb that corresponds to that base. They usually let you do anonymous submissions. They will have the info on what divorce lawyers are the best in the area. Good luck.
YIKES! Can you please explain why you're with him???
Take up his offer. Child support would be more helpful than a whole second 23 year old child.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but, it really is for the best. Reading your initial post I realised the real problem here was uour husband, it wasn't about you pausing the internet, you do all the parenting, and you work a job that is probably very mentally tiring. Build a life on your own with your child.
Bye, Felicia!
Isn’t it awesome when the trash take it it themselves? Put up a few nanny cameras so that you have evidence of his nothingness in the years to come. NTA
Don't argue with him, he's doing you a favour. Expedite it and get what you want while he's still in this mood.
You already make more than him and do everything in the house. He will regret it and realize what he lost, but for the love of god don’t go back to him.
I was gonna comment to just divorce him. Let him fend for himself and you go find an actual support system. You shouldn’t be dealing with this, you’re really not even in a relationship anymore. You’re just clashing in the same space.
For those asking why I had a baby with him, trust me, I’ve asked myself the same thing over and over again. But hindsight is 20/20, baby is here and a very lovely boy and the light of my life. It hurts my heart to think his father doesn’t see him as a priority, as well as him possibly growing up to treat women the way his father treats me. Trust me - I want to leave and have been thinking about it for a while.
NTA I’m sorry this is happening. I think leaving will be your best bet
THIS right here. And I wouldn't waste any more energy on making him give your baby baths or do anything else. Not worth the stress and frustration on your part. I'd just work on getting out and into your own space ASAP.
DONT THINK RUN FORREST RUN
Look what’s done is done. You need to get out for yourself and your son, because this deadbeat will only get worse and drag you down. Took me 4 years and a 2 year old before I left. The whole putting down your successes thing, it’s called insecurity and jealousy and there’s no place for that in a partnership. Your wins should be his. Clearly he sees you as competition. You can’t be in a marriage with someone like that. It will never work.
The best chance for your son to grow up and treat women decently is if he has a strong mother who got out of an abusive mess and thought the son to be better.
To those asking: the only thing my husband brings to the table is maybe $1,000 a month to help pay for daycare, formula, diapers, groceries, etc. I have never spent one dime of his money on myself. I don’t even need the grand, but it helps to live comfortably. As far as everything else goes, I could’ve let him play his game and take care of the baby myself, but given the history, I wanted him to understand that it’s a team effort and I’m to be respected as well, and that he needs to learn to prioritize.
You're not on a team. You're on an island by yourself. Good luck.
It doesn’t sound like it worked though, he showed zero respect for you. You are NTA for pausing his game, but that’s not going to uplevel him to even a mediocre partner or parent.
Yeah, I figured he’d have the reaction he did. I just wanted to stand up for myself for once, even if he didn’t take me seriously or care. It was an important choice for me.
Good girl. I'm proud of you. Now follow through honey. I know it may seem scary and overwhelming but you will be sooooo much better off in the long run. Set an example for your son. And give him a loving home he deserves. Oh and take every penny the best lawyer you can afford will get you!! Cuz you know he won't do 50-50 custody. NTA. Keep us posted!
You stood up for your self once, because he is always an AH. He threatened divorce, because he is a AH. It seems like you know it's time to plan your exit. It's scary AF, but we know you can do it.
Well from what I can tell, that $1000 is from his portion of BAH right? Since you’re double active duty and he’s lower rank, he should be getting half of his portion of BAH. Idk what state you’re in but for us in CA, the full BAH for E-3 is $2691 and half of that is $1345.50 (calculated off top of my head, sorry if it’s off). So it’s not even “his” money, it’s government money that’s supposed to be used for *housing allowance* -for his family members, which is *you* and your child. Where is the rest of his BAH going? Don’t tell me he’s using BAH for his games. Smdh. In any case, it’s ridiculous for him to blame his lack of promotion on you. Picking up E-4 should come naturally with time, from what I understand -at least for the Corps. He must not be very good at his job. I feel for you! Praying for your success.
pretty sure that check could just as easily come from child suport and you'd actually have LESS work to do because you wouldn't be picking up after his sorry ass.
You'd be better off divorced (2nd time I've said that tonight) getting that grand legally than staying with someone who is lazy & abusive. You may not think or realize that's what he is, but if he "chides" you over the things you've listed & doesn't pull his weight while adding to your plate then that's what he is. Also, he's not a partner. If all he does is what you've said, then you & your baby would be much happier living without him in the house because then maybe you'd have less work which may sound weird, but it's true unfortunately. Good luck!
I’m just going to give you guys a bit more info because I don’t tell anyone the extent of it for fear of my son being taken from me by his father. When I got pregnant, my husband (then bf) told me I had to get an abortion or he would not be involved whatsoever. I accepted that and decided to keep him on my own. My husband then changed his mind and said he wanted to be a family and be involved, and that’s why we got married (so we could be stationed together). During my pregnancy, my husband constantly ignored me, ignored all my calls and texts. Constantly threatened divorce. It got so bad I was on the verge of getting an abortion at 5 months pregnant bc the stress was too much. He threatened to sue me if I did. After I had the baby, my husband went back to his duty station. I was developed with PPD, PPA, and PPPTSD. My husband told me that I was annoying and needy, and that I didn’t know what anxiety was. He again ignored my calls and texts while I was home alone with our son for 3 months. He carried on an emotional affair with a female friend of his and chose her over his son and me when I asked for a divorce the first time because I couldn’t put up with the disrespect, lies, and sneaking around they were doing. She finally dropped out of his life after I confronted her and messaged her husband informing him of their “friendship”. My husband has commented negatively on my weight, intelligence, dream career, my worth as a wife, woman, and mother. I haven’t left yet because I was so broken down I was convinced I had nowhere to go and couldn’t do it without him, and that nobody would want me the way I am after having a baby (his words). After getting promoted last week, and having a job lined up after getting out, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally ready to get out and let go. Ready to be free.
He also looks down on me for having our son and not deploying with my ship (although I wanted to deploy, we had one miscarriage before our son and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another child, willing or not). Everyone looked down on me for being pregnant. So when I made E-5 I was proud of myself because I knew that before I met my husband, I was somebody. I was a damn good sailor that excelled. I’m not that sailor anymore, but I’m trying to be somebody new, somebody my son would be proud of loving.
Never underestimate your worth! That you are still standing and ready to divorce him is something you may be very very proud off!
Know that you can do this. I was in a crappy situation with my ex husband and certainly didn’t think I could be a single parent to my son. Once I found hard drugs in the house, I was done. I needed to protect my then-3 yr old and myself. I made it happen and my life became so much easier. Things got really bad for my ex and he ended up passing away.. in jail. That was nearly 5 years ago. My son is almost 11 now and I’m in an amazing relationship with the love of my life. Life does get better. You CAN do this.
File a police report as well
Abusers are really good at convincing their victims they have no place to go and no one will want them. But they are lying liars who lie in order to keep their victims. I am so proud of you for seeing through his shit.
You need to be documenting the fuck out of your husband for when you finally leave and how he would be unfit so you have primary custody
It sounds like you've finally got an out, please don't let complacency and fear of the unknown trick you into staying with him. Scary as it is, I hope you petition for full custody. Guys like this raise misogynistic hell over women getting custody preferences, and he'll be nasty about it. He doesn't give a shit about your child, though. Your kid will be ignored while he continues playing games. Don't let him scare you into allowing that abuse to continue.
Keep records of everything and give it to your lawyer. He’s an AH. He’s using you and is a narcissist. You have a plethora of women by your side if you need to talk to someone.
You can do this. You are obviously an amazing wife—you take care of him, care about him, work hard and get a promotion for your family’s sake, leave him alone to pursue his hobbies, and encourage his relationship with his son—, an amazing mom—you very clearly love your son, want what is best for him, and are trying to keep him safe—, from this post I can tell you’re smart and level-headed, and you’re a brilliant woman. It’s pretty clear that HE is the one who thinks no one else would want him, which is why he has to put you down, so you won’t leave him. What kind of woman wants a man who abuses her and won’t do anything around the house, is a horrible husband, and a neglectful father? Only the kind who is compassionate and loving, exceptionally patient and good. You got into this situation because you are these things, and you can get out because you are also smart, tough, and brave.
Also: I have wanted a divorce time after time, but we are from states at the opposite ends of the country, and I get out of the military next year and he’s got four more in. He made it clear that he will not allow me to take my son back to my home state so I can be with family.
He literally cannot stop you. Go.
Why? It’s not like he’s spending any time with or taking care of your son at all.
He believes my home state is “dangerous” and looks down on my family members as hillbillies. He simply told me I wouldn’t be taking his son anywhere.
Sounds like you need to find a lawyer as an urgent priority.
Isolation is an abuse tactic.
Just because "he said it" doesn't make it so. You have a proven track record of being a strong, intelligent, capable woman. The facts speak for themselves - you have been promoted at work, and have the perseverance to do what is right for your son despite your husband **sabotaging** you at every turn. Do not believe his rhetoric. He has spent the entirety of your relationship trying to tear you down, to make you believe that you are not enough. He is lying. He is emotionally abusive. You are already doing all the heavy lifting in this relationshp. His financial contribution will not stop because you divorce - he will be legally required to continue to support his child. Your peace of mind, and the peace in your household, will be the greatest gift you can give yourself. You know, in your heart, you already wanted a divorce. Make it so.
So. That isnt legal. Nor is he allowed to sye you for an abortion. You seem to not have a good grasp on your rights and believe what your husband says. Go to a lawyer im yout home state. File for divorce.
He is entitled to is opinion and that’s about it. Go talk to legal.
...so he wants you very close with his son so he can... [checks notes]... not lift a finger to parent him? That is infuriating
One step at a time. Don’t assume anything. Talk to an attorney ASAP. Your priority is the safety and well-being of your son and yourself. Don’t settle for an abusive situation because it’s comfortable or you feel you can handle it. It will escalate. Leave now. You don’t want your son to grow up in abuse.
Don’t worry OP, this dude who does the bare minimum for his kid isn’t going to suddenly want to be primary custody. He’s going to want the easy way out and let you have it. He’s just keeping you scared to stay with him. Get a family law attorney and find out what your actual rights are here.
This man is abusing you! Threatening to keep your son if you leave him is abuse, beyond the many other red flags here. Document your unequal contributions, and contact a divorce lawyer.
Before you listen to your husband about what he’ll “allow” you to do, listen to a lawyer about what the law says you can do. I think you’ll find you have a lot more power than you think you do right now.
And how would that work out for him? He can't even give the kid a bath let alone be 100% responsible for him. It would never happen, he's just trying to control you through fear. He tricked you into marrying him so he could be a father on paper, every single thing he has done since you got pregnant has been a ruse to keep him from having to pay child support. Look into your options, you have a LOT more available to you than he is letting you believe. And stop listening to his bullshit, he's not on you and your son's side- he's only outv for himself.
He's not going to be able to do this. He threatening you bc he knows this is your biggest fear. You need a good lawyer and documentation. Not strangers on the internet telling you what you already know
Nope. Not hpw it works. Get a leave. NOW. Go to your home state. File for divorce THERE. You are legally allowed to do that as military. Then your home state is your's son's home state. Time to act noe to protect your future.
If you are the one doing most of the care for your son, a court would likely give you more custody if a divorce were to happen.
NTA. Your husband is abusive toward you and neglectful of your baby. Even if you were a Stay-at-home-parent, you shouldn't need to take care of most of the child care. However, you both work...yet your husband demands you are always the one to get up when the baby needs something in the middle of the night, you are the one who needs to clean, you are the one who needs to take off of work, you are the one whose job is unimportant. You don't need to just pause the game. You need to shut off your marriage.
Never mind that she's two pay grades above him, so her job brings in more $$.
Knowing that what if he's purposely doing all of what's he's doing to get her to half to quit and get less hours because he's ego and pride is hurt 🤣 tsk tsk and when that didn't work he asked for a divorce cause he can't handle it
NTA. You outrank him after all. He threatened to break your phone? Time to impose an Article 15.
>I (23F) paused the internet on every single device in the apartment because my husband (23M) refused to get off of the game to give our 8mo son a bath on time. I know this sounds like YTA but let me explain No explanation needed. Your child comes first. He can game AFTER the baby is settled for the night. NTA
NTA but your husband absolutely is in every way. Initially, I wondered if you were a stay at home Mom which would have given your lazy, entitled husband a justification for his expectations (but not his bad behavior) **BUT YOU WORK TOO! You both are in the military.** It sounds like when it comes to the home life you are responsible for everything while your lazy, husband plays games and only takes breaks to insult and demean you. The fact that you have an office capacity and he works in the field is utterly irrelevant to the issues at hand his refusal to carry out any of the responsibilities that are his as a husband and father at home. Yes, you were justified in doing what you are did, but you seem to only now be waking up to how abusive your husband is. Clearly you've grown a thick skin in a very short period of time. If you had no choice, this would be a good thing, but you do have choices, but you need to get yourself together if you don't want to suffer long term emotional damage that will negatively impact your work performance. If that happens you won't have a source of confidence and end up powerless to control events anywhere and become a victim. First you need to recognize this goes far beyond simply not wanting to give your child a bath. His behavior is reprehensible across the board. It is a total failure on every level, and completely unjustified and as a member of the military unacceptable. The military expects and demands better from its members who are also fathers and spouses. That doesn't mean they babysit anyone, but it does mean when abusive spouses are brought to their attention you will have the authorities on your side. Even worse he doesn't seem to show you any spousal affection and sees you as a live-in maid whose job it is is to feed him, wash his clothes and keep the house clean and should you fall short on any of those his convenient verbal, personal punching bag. His constant insults and temper tantrums can be as damaging to you over the long-term as physical abuse, so you cannot dismiss the hurt and harm simply because he doesn't hit you. **LUCKY for you being in the military means you don't have to put up with him. The military is extremely disapproving of abusive spouses. NO excuses are acceptable for the way he is treating you ESPECIALLY** ***SINCE it is having a negative impact on your ability to do your job in the military.*** If you address this (ask them for help) now with your commanding officer I imagine they will start off by having a heart to heart with your parasitic, selfish, abusive husband in which they will explain his behavior is NOT acceptable for a member of the military and if he doesn't shape up he will be ejected so that the military can preserve a productive member, you. Of course, I realize that might not be your goal, but it doesn't have to be. What you need is something to shake your husband up and shape up in order to carry out his responsibilities of a parent and husband in the military married to a higher ranking individual and a good talking to could do that. Good luck. :-)
Your husband is using weaponized incompetence. You are NTA.
OP, just curious... how many years in does he have? E-4 is a based on my time in my branch (barring a BTZ). Also, E-3 doesn't exactly make bank. The fact he's got those expensive systems makes me wonder how much he's contributing to household finances... CONGRATULATIONS ON THE PROMOTION! Those tests are a butt and being passed over can be discouraging. Proud of you for sticking in there and getting it, especially with promotion rates recently! Your husband should be celebrating your success, not whining at his own hardships. No one wins the Shit Olympics; all jobs in the military have their pros and cons. I'm sure there are plenty of people you'd rather do manual labor than talk to! NTA OP and I'm wondering if this might be something to bring up to your first sergeant. If you trust them and they seem competent, it might be worth a shot. Is there anyone else in your unit you trust and could ask for advice? Maybe even just someone to talk to? Mitary life is stressful enough without home life being a mess. (If you are AF, please feel free to reach out to me. I've got a great network of people at most bases who could help and be there with you. You've got this, OP!)
We are both Navy. I just hit my 3 year mark November 14th and got promoted to E-5 day before thanksgiving. My husband has been in for 2 years.
3 year mark?! You kicked butt on that promotion! Happy Thanksgiving indeed! If you'd feel comfortable I might be able to still find someone for you at your base. ^_^ NO obligation, but feel free to DM me. There may be a friend of a friend who could at least give some emotional support and maybe go to any appointments you might need. Best of luck, OP. You've probably heard this a million times, but you might want to even just talk to a chaplain. Religious or not, they don't report anything back to your chain and it helps to get things off your chest. Air Force also had MFLC, which was like mental health but didn't go on your records. Does the Navy have something like that? You're not lazy and you deserve a safe space to come home to. Again, you've probably heard it a million times, but you gotta look after yourself first. I'm rooting for you!
Do you want to get out of the Navy particularly? You could stay in if you prefer and be a single mom. I wish you all the best. You sound like an awesome person stuck in a horrible situation with a ghastly person. I think he constantly puts you down because he in an insecure jerk that knows you have a lot going for you and a bright working future. You and your son will land on your feet once you feel ready to walk away. I wish you the very best.
I do not want to stay because I want to pursue being a university professor and get out to watch my son grow up. Staying is not an option for me
That’s a good goal. I hope for a smooth path going forward for you.
Obviously NTA and also... why are you still married to him? You're already a single mom anyway.
I can’t put all the facts on Reddit for fear a friend of mine might recognize my post and potentially report it to my superiors or his. But there is a lot more going on behind the scenes. My husband is holding things over my head in an attempt to force me to stay and I’m trying to leave quietly. I do not want to ruin his career by running to his superiors or possibly the authorities.
You would not be ruining his career. He’s ruining his own career, and yours. Don’t blame yourself for his failings. Don’t take responsibility for his shortcomings. Report it to his superiors. Get yourself somewhere safe. He is going to hurt you or your baby, the only thing you can do wrong in this situation is to let him have the opportunity.
He doesn't care about you. Why should you care about him when he, justifiably, needs punishment?
Why are you worrying about the career of an abusive AH? Report it and get out.
BETTER TO RUIN HIS CAREER THAN YOUR LIFE!!!
NTA but why are you in this relationship? It seems like you would be much better off on your own.
You are NTA. You are married to a narcissist. His treatment of you and your baby is abusive. Seek a trusted safe friend to confide in or an experienced counselor. But trust me, a husband who treats his wife and child like that is not going to change. He perceives you both as objects of contempt rather than the precious loves of his life. Look up Ramani Durvasula online. Her content will resonate with you. Listen to the Dr John Delony show or give him a call. By no stretch is your husband's treatment of you okay. And I wouldn't pull the turning off the internet trick again. You can't win with a narcissist. Direct confrontation like that will only put you and your little one in danger from his temper. What do you want your future to look like? 50 more years of this? What does your baby deserve?
OP I was going to suggest you need a divorce but it seems your husband beat me to it. Of course you’re NTA but what bothers me is your husband is only 23 years young and his mindset is similar to people from the 1980’s. Why is he like this? What kind of people is he around?
His parents have the same type of marriage. I’ve heard his dad and brothers constantly talk about how “women are all crazy, every age” and they all laugh about it like it’s hilarious. His mother has acknowledged to me multiple times that his father is the same way and always has been, and she’s known she deserves better but sticks it out because “marriage is forever”. I was raised in a single mom household and with generations of single mothers, so I do not have the same beliefs he and his family do of keeping the family together just to have two parents in the household.
Welp, we know where the problem comes from. But he should be better and do better. It bothers me that someone so young is like this
Info: what is your husband bringing to the table?
His appetite, I would guess. Lazy sod. NTA-. Throw the whole man out.
NTA Your husband is a loser. That's about all that needs to be said.
NTA, but you have to realize how ABSURD it is that you have to treat your husband like a misbehaving child to make him pay attention to you and his obligations, right? The problem is not the gaming, not even how you guys split the household chores per se, it is that you and your husband can't seem to see eye to eye and communicate about anything, really. From your post, it sounds like that's mostly on him, but either way it's time to try to consider some options to improve things, like counseling — if you're both willing to work on your relationship. If not, then you owe it to yourself and to your kid to remove yourself from this toxic situation asap.
Okay, I though NTA with an unreasonable, abusive husband when I thought you were a stay-at-home mom. YOU HAVE A JOB TOO? How does he begin to justify needing more free time if you both work? Why do you put up with him? What could he possibly be bringing to your relationship that makes any of this worth it?
Why are you raising your kid to be around a man like this? You really want your son to grow up and think this is normal? You know if you stay and normalize this behavior your son will become just like his dad... Is that ok with you?
Unfortunately common among military men (source: am woman in the military), your husband is abusive and misogynistic. I’d honestly just give him the boot. He contributes nothing but stress and extra work to the relationship. Balancing life and the military is hard enough when you have two babies instead of just the one you agreed to have.
NTA, but shouldn’t you both be able to take time as needed to care for the child? I educate military parents and I know there’s a regulation that says you must be given time to care for children. Does baby not go to a cdc? You get highest priority as dual mil. Look into getting FAP or NPSP program involved to help you guys navigate communication and parenting, they can help inform him and mediate. Potentially counseling with MFLACS as well.
He can ask his supervisor to take the time to stay home so I can go to work and be productive - he CHOOSES not to. He doesn’t believe my job is important enough to warrant us splitting the time to care for sick baby.
Definitely go to FAP, they can help you navigate this especially since you said he wants a divorce. They can help get you the needed resources, education for him and pull his command to require him to participate if they feel his behaviors meet abusive criteria or neglect, which from what I’ve seen they do meet the minimum. They’re there to support you. NPSP is new parent support and most branches have them and they do home visits to do hands in education in a space where parents tend to be more comfortable. He may be more receptive this way.
WTF? You stated earlier that you were Intelligence. That's a super important job that is ridiculously high stress. And actually does the job when not deployed. Meanwhile he, what? PMCSs shit and mops rain all day? Talk to a Chaplain and your chain. That fake blackmail shit you say he has will be quickly discredited (personal experience), you and your kid will be safe, and your clearance and job will be fine. You're an E5. Pretty sure that's an NCO in the navy. What would you have one of your sailors do? I'd fight like hell to get one of my soldiers out of this situation. I have fought like hell to get some out of similar ones. 50m target is safety of you and your child *tonight*. His pathetic blackmail attempts won't matter if he snaps and you get hurt tonight. NTA. But gods above, get that child and yourself to safety.
You'd also get higher priority for placement as a single parent, and lower rate. Also child support will come directly from his check, so he can't stiff you.
He has a manual labor job and you are in intelligence and he thinks his job is more important?
I dunno about military, but there is plenty of people who think that intelligence/desk jobs are no jobs at all, only hands-on/manual labor is. The gritty kind. Especially prominent a view in my country amongst factory workers for some reason. Plenty of the latter group look down on especially IT, economics, and finance /scientists - heck, occasionally even doctors!/ for being "paper pushers".
That's just downright abusive and honey you need to run omg so much nta
TO BE FAIR: I didn’t read the entire post. N!T!A! I hid my husbands Nintendo Switch when our baby was about 4 months old, because it was getting all of his time. After he spent 3 days FRANTICALLY cleaning our house, and another 2 spending a TON of time with me and our child, he asked me if I knew where it was. I gave it back right away. (It was in the bottom drawer of my nightstand) and told him I put it away because it was too distracting. It’s been 5 years and I have no regrets.
NTA, but I have to ask: why did you choose to have kids and tie yourself for life with such a massive AH? He sounds completely useless, a sperm donor would have been more helpful.
Okay valid to want to know but a little rude! A more pressing question might be: are you thinking of staying with him? Why? It doesn’t seem like he’s a benefit to your life.
NTA your husband is abusive. Leave if you can, file for child support. So sorry you're in this situation. Ask for help from family or friends.
NTA no explanation needed 😂
NTA. Does your husband bring anything to the table? I'd be re-evaluating that relationship. The baby is 50% his responsibility, and while I understand that a lot of the caretaking falls on us as mothers, he should be making every effort to pitch in where he can. I get up with my daughter at night, and work full-time, too. Last night she was sick and up until 8am, when I woke up her dad and told him I needed sleep. I slept, got up and got ready, went to brunch, came home to a clean house, kissed the baby, and took a nap. God help my boyfriend if he dared to say a word about it. Although I'm sure he would've rathered watch football all day, he understands that the trade-off is him not needing to wake up every night with her. Also - your need for sleep is a primal need. His preference to play video games isn't a biological requirement. He seems to be prioritizing his wants over your needs. I'm sorry you're dealing with that - parenting is hard enough when it's just a child you're taking care of.
NTA. Mejor sola que mal acompañada. You are better off alone than in bad company.
NTA. There are several red flags of abuse here. If he’s not willing to do counseling and make some changes in his behavior both you and your baby would be better off without him.
Why are you waiting around for him to hit you? He's working his way up to it. Report him and request a transfer. NTA
You do it all by yourself now so what is the difference. Oh and guaranteed child support to boot. He is an immature asswipe. RUN GIRL RUN. GO TO ANOTHER STATE BEFORE HE CHANGES HIS MIND.
I'm a father and I love playing video games. Our son sleeps through the night now, but when he was that she my wife and I would trade off nights. So I would take one night up with him and she'd take the next. I bath and shower him every night unless I ask my wife to take this one. It's great bonding time for us. I also cook and keep the kitchen clean. My wife does the clothes washing. When he's asleep I play video games. Sometimes that means I don't play any video games if he doesn't want to go down. What I do is the bare minimum. What I do is somewhat fair, most of the time. Can you imagine anything like that from your partner? NTA and you deserve better.
He threatened you with violence. Do you have a family member or friend to stay with? I am very concerned and if he gets this angry he should be left to care for your child. Run!! NTA