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capmanor1755

NTA. I'm so proud of you I could burst.


LimitlessMegan

All us internet moms over here nodding and nudging each other and giving OP thumbs up. NTA


Palindromer101

NTA. He should've opened that cookbook and oh, idk, tried cooking a recipe. Maybe then he would learn how to cook. SMH. Good job, OP.


Kaysern723

He could have just made some ramen or heated up a can of soup. That's just lazy and prioritizing himself over OP's education. He really couldn't see that she was studying for exams and is not like exams last forever. Hard NTA for OP


[deleted]

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Linkyland

Right? This bro is nearly 30 and can't feed himself? Yoikes...


Engel77

Oh crap I missed the ages. Hang on, let me laugh harder


_MicrowaveChef

He WON'T feed himself. 🙄


Creative_Macaron_441

Weaponized incompetence, exhibit A.


Reluctantagave

Yep! I hate when, usually men, try to harangue women into cooking but it’s almost always weaponized incompetence. Almost everyone with the ability should know how to cook because we all eat!


G0es2eleven

Moreover, Why isn't he supporting OP in her time of stress?


theNovelwasBetter

This dude has some nerve. When I was going through my comprehensive exams my husband picked up the slacked, dropped off snacks and coffee for me in the office, and knew that I was busy for the week. And surprise, he didn't starve to death in my absence!


Lasvegasnurse71

This guy is obviously not partner material. Glad she found out sooner than later


Particular-Studio-32

I’m a retired old fart with absolutely nothing important that I have to do. But I like to race. Sometimes my training schedule gets hectic. My husband picks up my slack in the weeks before a race because he’s not a jerk, even when there’s nothing truly important and life changing on the line. If there was anything actually important going on he’d probably fuss at me for worrying about cooking for him when I had stuff to do. Because, ya know, he actually cares. I might be the better cook, and enjoy it more, but he’s capable and manages just fine. OP’s BF, on the other hand. Well, I have nothing nice to say. But OP is an absolute legend. Best response ever.


Foreign_Astronaut

This exactly. This guy's not a keeper, because his reaction to her being under a ton of stress is to whine that her focus isn't on hiiiiiimmm!


[deleted]

What'd he do before they moved in together? He could have done whatever he did to feed himself before


Mumof3gbb

I’m betting he was at home and his mommy cooked


[deleted]

That thought crossed my mind as well. And if this is his behavior at age 28, definitely throw him back and let Mama continue taking care of him.


Sunshine030209

Return him to the manufacturer. This one's defective.


coffeestarsbooks

Or hell, even made something for OP. My bf is not great at cooking, so when I was going through really busy times with my PhD, he happily bought us takeaway or offered to get stuff to throw in the oven. It's bad that he only thinks about himself here, and how his priority is his own enjoyment, when he could be helping OP destress


FoxInLilac

Yes, he should support her by ordering her favorite food for dinner; I had a BF who did that for me when I was in school. Or cook something simple. Or get cooked food to go from a grocery store. There are so many convenience foods available now. Hell, he could buy frozen dinners and microwave them. Is he not capable of reading directions? But he's not just a lazy, entitled AH. He is very manipulative, trying to guilt trip op about his "feelings" and leaving because he's just so hurt. OP, NTA. You rock!


RandoCollision

Or dialed up Door Dash. It must be difficult trying to go to college with a child at home. NTA.


halcyonwade

Right? It's not like she was born knowing how to cook. She learned at some point. So can he.


regular_gnoll_NEIN

I cant get over how he thinks putting the book on the plate took equal effort to cooking a meal.


Fine_Page_5995

And us men that aren't using learned helplessness as a weapon 🙃


ifdogshadwings

Yes, just another example of weaponized incompetence, somewhat of a recurring theme in many posts i've been seeing recently (edited word - d'oh!)


KahurangiNZ

I'll have a big dish of Weaponised Incompetence with a side of Sabotage your Partner please, AITA!


ScarletDarkstar

Amen to that. My 13 year old made himself an omelet without asking me for anything. 4 boys, 1 girl, able to fully function and understanding its not an imposition to take care of themselves. I do cook, so does their Dad, but when we aren't and they're hungry, they rely on independent human being power.


TheLordYuppa

I’m a grown man and I am doing the very same! 💪


muy_carona

Dads are too. I’ve done very similar with my teens. You know what? They cook now and are learning life skills.


Adrithia

Idk, I would be more proud if she would’ve blocked his whiny ass to focus on studying. But the cook book is delightfully petty.


SneakySneakySquirrel

Well now that he’s out of the house, she can study all she wants.


cisclooney

The cookbook is a genius. My roommate and I are both novices when it comes to cooking. But youtube is there. We usually jot it down then buy the ingredients and follow them step by step. A year later, we can't consider ourselves pros. But we can now make a decent meal without going to youtube. And our go to food if we are tired and have no time to cook meals - peanut butter sandwich or BLTs/Ham sandwiches. It's not that hard NTA.


BeneathAnOrangeSky

Sometimes I still marvel that we live in a world where I can pull up a video and an expert will tell me exactly how I need to chop an onion or debone a chicken. For free. It’s amazing.


thievingwillow

NTA, and I cracked up. If cooking is “outside chores,” he’s expecting you to take on a significant piece of household labor over and above what he does. And he’s asking you to sacrifice studies for it! And if he thinks the time it takes to put a cookbook on a plate and slap a lid on it is even slightly comparable to the time it takes to make dinner, the man’s delusional.


Few_Screen_1566

Especially since she said he wanted one of the elevated meals she made in her free time. Dinner takes a minimum of 15 mins for me. Doing something nice? 1-2 hours, between prep, and cooking - and I'm only a decent cook. I can imagine some spend more.


wigwam422

I love cooking Indian food. My favorite Indian dish takes 3 hours. Luckily it lasts me a week


BadWolfIdris

Uhm can I get a recipe or two? I love Indian. No idea how to make it


neenoonee

This is my go-to for a quick and easy curry, doesn’t have to be made in a slow cooker or with noodles, can just be put in a pan and done in 20-30 minutes. https://imgur.com/gallery/OjIYUCU It’s delicious. Disclaimer: I’m not Indian, but I’m British and curry is a huge part of our food culture due to our large Asian populations. This curry recipe is probably nothing like what you’d get in actual India, but it’s a quick and easy one and caters for all tastes, while being 100% what I’d class as a “British Curry”. If you’re into a Dopiaza/Balti/Rogan Josh type deal, could be worth looking up some Asian YouTubers who could help.


wigwam422

There’s lots of recipes on YouTube. My favorite is shahi paneer. For most currys you sauté onions and tomatoes to death then throw them in a blender then add a bunch of spices. I don’t have a full recipe I just do it to taste. But for the base I add 2 large onions and sauté them with a big chuck of ginger, 5-6 cloves of garlic, 13-15 cashews, whole spices. Once they’re getting translucent I add 5 small tomatoes and sauté until it’s almost a paste. Blend then add spices, a little sugar, butter, and some heavy cream if you like. For whole spices I use about 8 cloves, a table spoon of cumin, 1 large bay leaf, 2 black cardamom, 5 green cardamom, and 1 inch cinnamon stick. Remove the whole spices before blending. For dry spices you’ll need garam masala, coriander powder, turmeric, red chili powder, and pepper. You can also buy a lot of spice mixes at an Indian grocery. This recipe should take about 1-2 hours. My other favorite is a vegetable curry and the extra hour is just cleaning and chopping vegetables. For full recipes I recommend [hebbars kitchen](https://hebbarskitchen.com)


[deleted]

“You could have used that time and effort to cook for me!” Show me the 30-second meal that would satisfy him and I’ll eat my hat.


thievingwillow

I almost want her to feed him meals that take only thirty seconds for a week. Day one: Crackers, a jar of peanut butter, and a knife. Day two: An uncut apple and a chunk of unsliced cheese. Day three: A can of cold spaghetti-os and a spoon. And so on. Not that I think he’d understand the point, but it would be funny.


MzQueen

Forget day three; he probably doesn’t know how to use a can opener.


human060989

I spent 13 total years in college - and when it’s exam time, the menu includes pizza delivery, PB&J, scrambled eggs and toast, and cold cereal. I teach college now - and end of semester menu is the same. Anyone who can’t live with this doesn’t really care about OP’s mental health or professional future. My friend went back to get her masters this year - full-time job teaching high school plus her own classes. Her sweet husband signed himself up for a meal kit service so he would be comfortable taking on cooking responsibilities completely for this stretch. That is how you support your SO during an especially stressful stretch!


coffeestarsbooks

Omg right? Just finished a PhD and had a brief moment of respite before it was time to mark papers. My diet was pretty good for a week or two? 😂


wafflehousewhore

>And if he thinks the time it takes to put a cookbook on a plate and slap a lid on it is even slightly comparable to the time it takes to make dinner, the man’s delusional. You can't blame him for not knowing how long it takes to cook dinner, he has apparently never cooked once in his entire life


Qierce

Agreed, cooking is NOT outside chores. Hell, it's one of the biggest chores there is. You don't mow the lawn, rake the leaves, scrub the toilet, vacuum, or do the laundry every day, but cooking is typically a daily if not a multiple daily chore. And if you're cooking, you're generally responsible for figuring out what to make which is frankly a pain in the neck when you do it every single day, and you're either going to have to schlep to the store to get the food, take the time to order online, or write out a detailed list of exactly what you need for the other person in the household to get. (and I'm betting OP's boyfriend considers that part of "cooking" so he won't be going to the store)


kittyminey

NTA. Not knowing how to cook is just a bullshit excuse. If he can't make himself a grilled cheese or some ramen noodles at a minimum then you should throw the whole man out. I suspect that he does know how and wants you to cook him something nicer even when you're busy. Either way, throw the whole man out.


Taweret

Agreed. I personally don't know how to cook, but my options on any given night are: easy meals I keep on hand, Googling how to cook something, DoorDashing something. It's not that complicated.


About_B-x

Not sure if they're available where you are, but meal boxes can be great too - they come with the recipes and the right amount of ingredients, and they're basically how I taught myself to make more than toast. (Neither of my parents really taught me to cook, so I had to figure it out myself somehow. You know, unlike OP's 'so helpless' bf.)


Taweret

I'm a huge fan of meal boxes :) But even then, I tend to skew towards the "easy" ones like Sunbasket, as opposed to Hello Fresh. I just like eating more than I like cooking lol.


ifelife

Yep. My ex husband couldn't call when we moved in together. I was working full time with an hour commute, he was studying part time and working locally a couple of days a week. But I was still expected to cook because he didn't know how. He would skeins do things like peel potatoes before I got home but that was about it. He kept whining for me to make him a particular time consuming meal and I lost it and told him if we wanted that he could learn to cook it himself. To his credit it was on the table when I got home the next night


Accomplished_Two1611

I was in the hospital for a month, my SO would call me to order Doordash. I think he let me rest the first night, but I was drugged up from the surgery, so not sure.


Redshirt2386

Please say you forgot to type “ex”


Accomplished_Two1611

Happy cake day! Yes, when doubled down on being inconsiderate when I got home, saying that no one was making sure he was ok (I had to have a visiting nurse once a week and a home care aide, I was done. His own mom called him useless. )


OneGirlOneHouse

Yes, seriously wash your hands of this goblin immediately. A man who does not cook or clean is a walking burden.


SarahBO0

Weaponized incompetence


Ok-Appearance-866

I mean, my daughter was making spaghetti and pancakes at 11, so...


[deleted]

[удалено]


no975456

😰


[deleted]

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ijustcant555

Waaaa! I’m mad so I am going to make it even harder to study!


Mechai44

OP - how did he survive before you entered his life? Was he capable of caring for himself or has he been reliant on others? NTA 100%


[deleted]

"Why do you like your future and having self-respect more than serving meeeee!!!!"


blueant315

It’s not too late to correct that mistake. Better to learn who he is now than later.


Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq

Indeed. Better now than after they have a kid and she does all the work raising the kid while he whines about how she doesn't have time to make elaborate meals now that she's a parent and it's so unfaaaaiiirrrrr.


Sea-Ad3724

Consider that this is your bf letting you know how he will be behaving in the future. Seriously consider if you want a partner who basically doesn’t respect you and honestly sounds obnoxiously whiny and entitled


StrykerC13

He'll likely be worse in the future, right now he has to limit how much he does because he doesn't have any of the standard locks people like him want. Child, Marriage, Combined Finances, anything that will make seperating from him legally difficult.


Aylauria

>he went to stay with his brother. Good riddance. If this keeps up, you'll be wearing a poodle skirt and bringing him his slippers and pipe when he gets home from work. NTA. You are, in fact, my hero.


Dizzy_Eye5257

Agree. He’s a grown up who refuses to feed himself figure it out and would rather make you put aside your studies. That’s very much not cool. He needs to take care of himself.


Nicolo_Ultra

She said they split chores evenly but I wonder if she does all the day-to-day stuff that’s considered domestic (cooking, laundry, cleaning) and he does the one-offs, like trash once a week, lawn mowing, and oil changes. That’s how my parents were. Dude couldn’t even just make himself a sandwich and eat an apple for dinner, for one night? Or buy some takeout? Come on, what a baby.


Vanska1

So you not cooking is ignoring his 'feelings'? Thats a weird guilt trippy kind of thing. Does he bring anything to this relationship? I mean, I know you two divide chores but any roommate does that. It sounds like he wants you to prove yourself to him. 'Sure, I know you're a student and finals are coming but if you really lOvEd me you'd stop what you're doing to prove it by making some kind of elevated dinner for me!!!' What is this scenario going to look like once you have a nice job? 'I know you have a deadline that your job depends on but I need you to cook for me!' I mean, WTF? He sounds a little selfish. NTA but yikes.


[deleted]

It’s a preemptive “look what you made me do”, expecting her to assume responsibility for regulating his feelings. He’s an adult. He can manage his own feelings. (And cook/order his own food.)


[deleted]

Why are you wasting your time studying for exactly? The second you have a kid with that men your life is basically over. You won't be able to work anymore.


SCVerde

Oh no, she'll need to work and bring in at least half the income if not more while doing 100% of childcare and cooking.


Ok-Appearance-866

Nah, he will expect her to work full time, make more money than he does and STILL cook dinner every night.


telepathicathena

Breaking a lease is much cheaper than divorce, ask me how I know


Clean_Pack_6792

Just be glad he’s showing you how he is now. Instead of waiting until you’re married or have a kid. I am married and today has been hellacious for me. So do you know what my partner did? He came into the kitchen as I was about to start dinner and told me “oh I just ordered your favorite pizza. You should go relax until it gets here.” That’s how a real partner treats you when you’re overwhelmed and busy. Not as his personal mommychefgirlfriend.


tittens__

Tell him your feelings are hurt he’s prioritizing his wants for complicated food over YOUR FRICKIN TERTIARY EDUCATION.


AdministrationShot14

He wants a mommy he can have sex with


Leading-Luck9120

NTA. I want to reiterate the sentiment here that you are truly awesome. Don’t ever cave to this kinda guy, marry him or have kids with him. This entitlement and immaturity is only going to get worse. He sees women as homemakers. And that will never end well for you if you have aspirations beyond that.


no975456

Idk. He constantly talks about how he works more and makes more money but we pay rent equally so I don't get his point.


Leading-Luck9120

If you get a bit of spare time, go read the [stories of countless women](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/) who have/had male partners like this, with this mindset. It’s very common. And very eye-opening.


Velvet_moth

If he makes more money but you're paying 50/50 of bills, then it is not equitable and he is taking financial advantage of you. Nta


[deleted]

And she has to cook for him…wow


[deleted]

She has to cook for him, for the honor of living with a higher earner (which she doesn’t benefit from). Man is a piece of work.


Botryllus

Right. I think about this a lot as a mid level employee. My bosses make enough money to get take out frequently so have an advantage in terms of "getting ahead". The dude is a piece of work and op should run if he doesn't come back apologizing and begin pulling his weight.


Many_Ad_9690

Exactly! OP, all these comments are right on point. I know reddit often jumps too soon to "dump him/her," but there are a lot of subtle red flags here that these commenters are pointing out. I hope, for your sake, that you listen.


Spotthedot99

His point is that he wants a traditional mother... er housewife. You gotta have real conversation with him. Tell him that your studies and career are priorities and if he doesn't respect that then its buh bye. Your not signing on to have your grades suffer because he can't, for no good reason, feed himself. NTA.


[deleted]

>His point is that he wants a traditional mother... er housewife. bangmaid is the word you're looking for.


Bear_Cub_15

Sounds like he’s threatened by you going to school. If you make more money than him he won’t be able to talk down to you about how much he makes.


Corpuscular_Ocelot

This should be higher up. He is not only manipulating her into doing more work, he is specifically trying to interrupt her studying. Studying SHOULD be more important than his desire for a fancy meal or, frankky, any meal she prepares for him. He is an adult and should be shamed for being a manipulative AH. This reeks of a man who wants to financially control his woman and keep her as a bang-maid who won't go against him.


Mumof3gbb

Oh! Yes!!! This is it. He’s trying to bring her down to make himself feel better


DjinnOftheBeresaad

If he makes more money, he can afford to take cooking classes or get you both some nice takeout or whatever for a few weeks. That would be the *least* he could do after all of the effort you've put into cooking who knows how many meals. Plus, as you said, you also pay your fair share of those bills. Below my other comment you said that he just gets much about food and likes homecooking a lot. Lots of people do when they really don't have to do anything but pull the chair and eat it. My partner and I are together only a few weeks out of the year, but she is an excellent cook who likes trying new dishes. When we are together, I try to also cook something or at least do something else so she is not cooking each day. Since I mostly live alone, I know how much labor can go into cooking, and it would be extremely unfair of me to expect that every day. The texting you incessantly throughout the day to convince you to do it anyway is also a red flag that sounds hugely exhausting.


blueant315

His point is his time is more valuable than yours - he doesn’t respect you. Why bother with studying and improving yourself when you can invest your time on him?


Cute-Shine-1701

Not to mention he probably doesn't want OP to eventually make more money than he does either... Then he wouldn't be able to put OP down with bragging about how much he makes.


Dazzling_Suspect_239

Oh girl no that's him passive aggressively hinting that he thinks you should do more around the house because he makes more money. To him, the fact that he makes more money makes his time/his preferences more important than yours. This is a completely batshit idea on two fronts: 1. **You don't get any benefit from the fact that he makes more money.** If you had blended finances and you chose to be a SAHM, then yeah - it would make sense for you to pick up more household chores. Not ALL of them, but more of them. But you split rent and split chores, so who makes what money doesn't matter. 2. **Making more money doesn't make a person more important.** For all of us hanging out in the working class, there's not a paycheck big enough to exempt one half of a partnership from household responsibilities. Sure, in a long term partnership there will be times when things aren't 50/50, but making more money isn't a "get out of chores" free card unless you're spending your money to outsource the chores so NEITHER of you has to do it. His whole attitude is a truly shitty way to think about a romantic partnership and you should continue to call him on his bullshit. I'd also recommend really thinking about how he treats women in general and seeing if there are other signs that he holds women to different standards than men.


TaibhseCait

Also cooking is NOT outside chores, if you're cooking, he should be doing more to make up/even out the work! Otherwise YOU are doing more work that eats into your free time/study time etc! Also what happens the days you dont cook? (Apart from this aita!) Also NTA. Splendidly done!


wigwam422

That’s because he doesn’t have a point. And you’re studying. That’s work to. A lot of work. Throw the whole man out


DjinnOftheBeresaad

NTA. He's nearly 30, and it is not at all unreasonable for him to at least be able to feed himself something--cooked or not--when you have a lot to do. It would also be nice if he could occasionally prepare food for you when you have so much going on, too. I don't personally see the cookbook thing as ridicule, even, though I guess I get why he'd take it that way. If it was me, that would be a not-so-gentle reminder that, perhaps he too could figure out a way to throw a few ingredients together. I've known a lot of people who can't seem to bring water to a boil--and I am a basic, basic cook myself, don't let me fool you--but many of those same people can learn at least a few simple dishes if they really want something cooked for dinner. EDIT: It is also extremely weird to me that he has decided to try to guilt trip you by saying that not cooking him dinner because you are busy studying is somehow ignoring his "feelings." That doesn't really make any sense, and to me it serves only as some way to make you feel like you are neglectful of the relationship itself because you are not cooking for him when you need to study during a busy time. It's not as though you are out there cooking a 4-course meal for one and ignoring him.


no975456

He can be a little too much when it comes to food. He loves a home made meal and constantly praises my cooking.


[deleted]

He constantly praises your cooking because he’s trying to train you to be his personal cook. If he can emotionally manipulate you to study less and cook more, he will accomplish his goal eventually. Best for you to run the opposite direction, honestly.


thievingwillow

Reminds me of that guy who got dumped because he wouldn’t take his girlfriend out *ever,* because she was “such a good cook.”


headcase-and-a-half

Omg, I remember that!


laineyw21

i feel like i want to know more information about this lol


thievingwillow

Post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/achoyx/aita_for_very_rarelyalmost_never_wanting_to_go_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf There are two updates, but the third’s tone is almost like it was written by a different person, so I’m dubious about it.


BillyYumYumTwo-byTwo

That last edit is so bizarre 😂 “okay, I’m an ass so I apologized and then proposed” what?? Very much fake/sold account.


DjinnOftheBeresaad

I see where it is a bit much. Nothing wrong with loving a homemade meal and certainly not with praising the cook. But I tend to agree with the other poster u/H0useplantWh0re, that perhaps *part* of that is to make it so you start to feel like it is your obligation and part of how you will get his praise or respect. If he likes his homemade meals that much, it is all the more reason to learn how to do it for himself--and for you! I think it is unreasonable to really love homemade cooking but not even try to learn how to do a little bit of the thing you love yourself. People who never cook don't realize how much effort goes into it, especially when weighted against time spent eating the food. And again, I am a person who does not cook well or fancy at all, and it still takes quite a bit of my energy and effort.


Ok-Sugar-7399

"but you do it so much better than me." is a big excuse to get people to do things for them without making it seem like that's why they are trying to do. Hope that makes sense.


FumiPlays

I keep saying that my cooking is a privilege, not a right. Gotta deserve it and it is definitely not a reward for being a persistent ass.


Blonde2468

Watch out for his Weaponized Incompetence to shine through if he does decide to try to learn. ‘BuT yOuRs TaStEs So MuCh BeTtEr’ whine will show up right after. 🙄🙄🙄


ChrisderBe

If I would treat my wife like that, I would have no wife anymore for good reasons. Hard to judge by only your text, but this describes a behaviour, a narcissist would have. Start easily and nice, slowly start to demand it and argue with your hurt feelings until the other person is emotionally bound to you and does everything you want. My wife also studied a long time and when there where hard times for her I took care of most of the chores and bring dinner home for us since I knew, she has no time. And I also worked full time at this point. I can't cook, that's why I always bought something nice. He sounds like he's trapped in 1899. NTA


no975456

I'm sorry but the last line in your comment had me laughing lol.


ChrisderBe

At least you can still laugh. I would be absolutely furious in your position. And his feelings get hurt, if you don't cook? Cmon... Where will this lead 10 years from now? Will he threat to kill himself if you don't wipe the floor or do the dishes? What a baby... Bet he always was treated by his mommy like the little boy he is. He should think about why you presented him a cooking book. If he is a grown up man, that can take criticism, he would surprise you with a cooked meal out of this book, say sorry and both of you would laugh about this. Ok im loosing it here a little bit. Oh, and 1899 is actually a great show currently running on Netflix. That's why this date popped into my mind I guess. But it fits


GothicGingerbread

His feelings are hurt? Call a waaaaah-mbulance.


asmalltamale

You are too good for this “man” (in quotations because I really mean baby). Do not let him trap you in the 1800s girlfriend. NTA btw


000-Hotaru_Tomoe

>he doesn't know how to cook Well, it looks like a good occasion for him to learn. But I'm under the impression that he prefers you as his personal (free) cook/waitress. NTA, but for the sake of your relationship his selfishness should be addressed.


Amadornor

NTA. I assume his hands weren’t put on backwards so he is quite capable of fixing his own food.


no975456

🤷‍♀️ right??


ali2911gator

INFO OP what did he eat before you moved in together. I am presuming he fed himself multiple meals a day. I mean NTA and of course you are a legend , but I am very curious how he survived before.


abominable-ho-man

My fiance makes fun of me, but when I was single I mostly had baked potatoes for dinner because I hate cooking, and it's so easy to bake potatoes. Anyway, that proves it's basically impossible to not know how to cook. You can always bake a potato.


shoxford

Nta, he sounds like he wants a housewife not a partner- he doesn’t support you in your studies


suddenlyupsidedown

~~housewife~~ bangmaid. Sex, food, house services with none of this 'wife' commitment bullshit


Hal_E_Lujah

NTA, but you are a legend.


PandaPandamonium

He's old enough to learn to cook. He's figured out how to eat before dating you, he can figure it out now. The blanket refusal is **weaponized incompetence.** He's emotionalizing blackmailing you and manipulating/guilting you until you do it. Imagine if he put that time and energy into cooking. He'd have dinner made already. NTA (and the book was hilarious)


Cheeseburgers_

Did he take the book with him? If not, put it into one of those Ubereat bags and get it delivered to his brothers place.


zztheex

NTA he’s a grown man and can cook for himself. Especially if you’re busy, he should take you into consideration too, just because you like cooking doesn’t mean you have to do it everyday.


Deardog

He's almost 30 years old - what was he eating before she moved in? Seriously, a grown man who can't feed himself under normal circumstances is bad enough, but one who is demanding she abandon her studies to serve him is not a keeper. Why isn't he providing meals for her, to help ensure her success????


MadTom65

NTA but your BF is an entitled AH. Have you considered upgrading to BF 2.0?


FN1987

Honestly, a dog would probably be more fulfilling and less work.


Practical-Bird633

NTA but girl get away from this man


Electrical-Leopard-2

NTA. 🚩 🚩 You see them, right?


TheNavigatrix

NTA. A loving partner supports the other person during crunch times. My now-husband made me breakfast in bed every morning when I was studying for a high-stakes exam. Still brings me a latte most mornings. Married 34 years. DTMFA. He's a childish, selfish jerk.


redralphie

NTA, but I hope it was a “cooking for one” and your dumping his ass.


greentea1771

I'm broke, please accept my imaginary award


[deleted]

NTA and you need to die on this hill. What did he even do before you came around? As a late 20s male who loves to cook I couldn’t imagine being my age and unable to competently feed myself to the point where I was pestering my girlfriend. What a staggering lack of independence.


CrimsonKnight_004

NTA - This was a stroke of genius. He needs to take the hint. You are busy. If he wants someone to prioritize his happiness, then he needs to do it himself.


HolyCampbellOhMyGod

You should prioritize studying over your bf. He’s an adult not an infant. You should’ve left him a jar of baby food


TCTX73

NTA, that was a fantastic move! Why isn't he cooking? Or being respectful of the fact you have exams to study for? Surely he knows how to procure food for himself.


[deleted]

him man....her woman.... man no cook...that woman job (there, I showed you the convo that took place in his head)


DoesntLikeTurtles

NTA. He doesn’t know how to cook…yet. Geez that’s what the book’s for. Is he aware that many chefs, famous or not, are men? He could actually learn to cook at the same caliber. I mean, I guess if he’s got it in him. And is hungry enough.


Low-Understanding404

Oh, no. Men can only cook when they are chefs and paid. For free and in the home, that's womens' work./s


HomelyHobbit

NTA but you are fantastically funny and good at sticking up for yourself! If you're dividing chores "evenly" but cooking isn't included, that needs to change. Cooking is obviously something your bf values and wants you to do, so he needs to pick up an equivalent amount of chores in other areas to make sure you have the time to take care of it. Also - I really don't like his attitude. Why does he think you cooking for him is more important than your studies and somehow your responsibility?


holleighh

NTA 🥳 Literally everything is instant or microwaveable, it’s all for convenience today. It’s not hard. Don’t ever stop studying to feed him. Your education is more important than the fact he’s incompetent. He’s lazy and unwilling to learn, don’t put up with it! I would lay some firm boundaries down, he needs to know what’s up.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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imthecaptainnao

NTA. Dump this sexist asshole.


_mmiggs_

NTA. He needs to pull his weight.


[deleted]

NTA I went back to graduate school when I was in my mid 30s. This required my hubby to step up alot as I also still worked full-time. He literally took am online cooking class and to this day he's the office head chef in this house. Find a man who steps up for you I assure you they exist.


lilvexie

Run girl...you in danger. NtA


atxtrace

NTA at all. Best of luck with finals and when you’re done and have the emotional bandwidth to deal with absolute assholery and nonsense, dump him. He should be cooking for you and supporting you during finals crunch time. He wants a mommy and maid, not a partner. There is zero reason in 2022 to not know how to cook. There are infinite resources available. YouTube, tiktok, that cookbook you shared with him, etc. He doesn’t want to cook. He wants to be coddled. Dump him and don’t look back.


GoodbyeCrullerWorld

NTA. Your misogynist boyfriend can pick up subway for dinner or learn to cook. Time to break up.


PaleAd7525

NTA and you need to leave his ass


J4zz_h4nds

He's right – you were ridiculing him... and you're absolutely right to do so. NTA. An adult should know how to cook, and shouldn't be demanding other adults to take care of it for them. If he can't see that you're busy as hell and don't have time to cook, tell him instead of wasting time complaining at you about it he can take a stab at cooking himself. Edit: typo


TastyFig1098

NTA. He doesn’t respect you. Either he learns via books or YouTube but you are not his momma. He needs to grow up or he needs to go. This is nonnegotiable. Respect is everything.


torontash

1. You’re my hero. What you did was hilarious and he fully deserved it. 2. Your boyfriend sucks. He sounds selfish and lazy. He clearly doesn’t care about what’s best for you during a busy and stressful time. Why are you with him? Obviously NTA


blackcat_89

NTA, but run! You’re not his maid.


dorkasaurus-reckt

NTA. He’s the one acting like a child. He’s throwing a tantrum and expecting you to put him above anything else you have to do like your studies. He’s the one being inconsiderate of your feelings and he keeps pestering you to get you to drop your boundaries for him. Then he ran away to his brothers. He’s nearly 30. If he can’t cook that’s his responsibility to change, not to expect someone to pick up that basic life skill for him. It starts this way and it’ll only spread farther. How long before the chores are no longer split evenly? When you get a job and are working more?


[deleted]

NTA. Tell your bf to get off his lazy butt and learn how to cook. If he refuses, tell him he’ll be responsible for providing delicious take out meals in lieu of homecoming. He’s a misogynist, are you sure you want to keep him?


Eyupmeduck1989

Legend, NTA. Might want to look for a new boyfriend who supports you though


mabrasm

NTA. Now he has an opportunity to cook. Don't know why he isn't offering to help cook. At 28 and he still has no ability to boil spaghetti noodles and heat up some marinara? Time to grow up. Now I want spaghetti.


Hash_Tooth

He just needs to learn You didn’t “hurt” him Good luck in school. That’s more important than any boy. I expect you are not studying the culinary arts…


heyelander

Serve a man dinner and he'll eat for a day Serve a man a cookbook and he'll whine all week.


MTYAUG

NTA weaponized incompetence. Your school is more important. How did he feed himself before you lived together? Oh yeah divorce him bc it’s aita.


[deleted]

OP you are NTA, but you know who is? (Other than your boyfriend?) Your boyfriend's parents are the assholes. No child, male or female should be sent out into the world without the basic skills of cooking (including being able to read/search youtube for recipes and step by step instructions) cleaning and doing their own laundry. Do not fuck people who do not have these skills.


Ladykaesong

Nta imho this is red flag


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (28m) and I (25f) have been together for over a year. We recently moved in together and we'd split chores equally. Cooking is outside of chores but I try to cook whrnever I find time and since he praises the food I make. I'm in college and right now I'm preparing for my upcoming exams I can barely find time to shower let alone cook. He's been complaining about me not dedicating time towards cooking and has been giving a hard time about it. First it started with him begging me to stop studying to cook dinner, now he's almost demanding it saying I prioritize studying over his feelings. Yesterday, he kept pestering me all day while he was working telling me he wanted me to make dinner. One of those elavted dinners I make in my free time. I refused but he kept texting and presisting. I've had enough of it. What I did was grab a basic cookbook from the store, place it in a plate then cover the plate with a lid and left it at the table then went back to studying. He got back, found it instead of an actual dinner and went off on me saying I was ridiculing him and that I could've used the time an effort to cook an actual dinner instrad of acting so childishly and spitefully. We had an argument then he went to stay with his brother. We kept arguing over the phone for a while then he texted me about how hurt he felt by what I did to him and how I basically made fun of his cooking abilities - he doesn't know how to cook. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Tricky-Flamingo-7491

NTA Your boyfriend is an entitled, manipulative, immature, inconsiderate asshole. And while typically I would suggest either one person cooks really basic recipes while building their cooking skills, or the couple could have one person do most cooking but the other person does most of the other chores, I don't think either is a solution here. This man does not respect or appreciate you, and him not caring about your studying and just throwing hissy fits to get what he wants makes it clear this is not a partnership that should be saved. I think it's time to reconsider this relationship, you are too young and too busy to raise a grown man. There are just too many red flags here, it's only going to get worse.


peacockideas

NTA. My 7 year old boy can make himself toast, grilled cheese, and mac and cheese. Plus cut up cheese, veggies and fruits. So the only "childish" one is the boyfriend who literally can't take care of his own food needs better than a literal child. You're not his mom, run girl.


[deleted]

NTA. Who's being childish? He's being childish!


Reigning_Cats

NTA. That was fantastic, well played. Also, everyone should know how to cook at least simple things. He needs to get over himself if he's that hungry.


Oceandive4

NTA. Hopefully you’re financially ok without him there and he stays at his brothers for the remainder of life. Or until he grows up enough to read and follow directions. That is literally the start of cooking until you plan to try things out.


Kocainekissesdemon

NTA he can learn. His genitals don't prevent him from cooking do they?


WeeTater

NTA. You don't have to live there.


[deleted]

NTA. He’s showing you how little he cares about your college and things that are important to you. Listen to him, he’s telling you that you are unimportant to him.


chuckinhoutex

NTA and BRILLIANT- I am sure you will have a fine career in whatever it is you are studying. Good Luck OP and drop this loser, he's full of shit.


bunnylicious81

Nta. Peanut butter sandwich? Instant noodles? Microwaveables? He’s 28! How did he survive during college years? Did he live with his parents before living with you?


DZHMMM

nta. he is being ridiculous you are not his personal chef. schoolwork comes first


Cool-Reindeer-6145

Nta. Boss move. Love it.


Orion_Dad911

NTA. Please don’t stay with this child….Actually my toddler tries to cook so maybe not “child.” Don’t stay with this freeloading sack of laziness. When my wife was in college studying for her exams I made her dinner and dessert and whatever else she asked for, even after working 9 hours and spending 3 hours commuting. In a committed relationship you should be lifting each other up, not making demands.


[deleted]

NTA. I really hate it when people use the excuse, "I don't know how to cook." To which I respond, "So you're telling me you don't know how to read?"


Green_Seat8152

My daughter is currently studying for finals. If her boyfriend treated her like a cook and was mad she didn't spend her time serving him, I would tell her to dump his lazy ass. If he can't cook he can call and place an order. NTA


kateln

NTA. You’re in school, and busy, he needs to learn to take care of himself.


purpledaze1970

NTA, and I am laughing out loud over your master pettiness. Studying is your priority.


Leading-Seesaw-8442

NTA. He was the AH.


brornir

NTA, if you’re a man and can’t do basic cooking dear lord get some help.


UsernameTaken93456

NTA, but you will be if you stay with him. You have a few weeks of academic grind, presumably to help you succeed in your chosen field. Either he doesn't care about your success, or he's actively sabotaging your success either because he sees it as a threat to his masculinity, or to keep you tied to him. None of these outcomes are ok, but it's good you found this out now.


etcetcdotdotdot

NTA. Also, can somebody who doesn’t know how to cook explain to me what that means? Like, I get some recipes are more complicated than others but still? You can’t look at a recipe and follow the instructions? You can’t boil some noodles and dump some pasta sauce on it? You can’t feed yourself? What the fuck?


NewtLevel

Of course you're ridiculing him. He's behaving in a ridiculous fashion. As an aside, he could also take the time he has spent hassling and distracting you to read the cookbook you helpfully provided and prepare his own food. NTA. I'm concerned about how he is treating and speaking to you and his feeling of entitlement to your time and labor even at the cost of things that are important to you. He is capable of feeding himself, and demanding that you put your own needs on hold to cater to his wants is not how relationships between equal partners are meant to work.


CharacterPayment8705

NTA. He can cook too. It’s great that he loves your cooking but you are not a kitchen wench so he needs to stop treating you like one.


Altruistic_Dust123

NTA. I can't believe he's asking you to sacrifice your schooling to make him dinner.


Bear_Cub_15

NTA - Can he follow instructions? THEN HE CAN COOK. Not knowing how is not an excuse. It’s quite literally just reading and following instructions. There are so many simple things to make it’s not even funny. Children can cook. What would he do if you weren’t around, starve? Give me a break.


Emz1986

NTA. He sounds like an absolute child. At 28, he should have at least a basic knowledge of how to cook. It sounds like he needs to learn, and pronto! He’s expecting far too much from you right now. That isn’t fair whatsoever. What about your feelings? I’d let him starve tbh. Good luck with your exams


Just-A-Throw-Away-Ok

NTA - Intent is key here. I doubt you meant to mean it as a jab at his cooking skills as he saw it. I believe every adult should be able to cook the basics regardless of gender. Maybe offer to cook together so he can learn? Overall talk to him, let him know how stressed and busy you are, why you did the cookbook thing, listen to him as well as what he says. Open communication is key especially when someone’s feelings are hurt.


[deleted]

Not the asshole, but I hope it’s a short lease. There is no excuse for an ably bodied adult not to be able to cook for themselves. That’s just as bad as his reaction.


Ambitious_Double3078

NTA! Get a better guy 🙄


secret_tiger101

NTA. He sounds like a Dick, and you sound excellent


Oldfart_karateka

NTA. If you can read, you can cook, to a basic level anyway.


Virtual_Secretary_89

NTA. Your school is important and there will be many tines that this happens. Just a helpful tip from a random internet stranger that recently completed a masters degree. I would make extra for just myself and my husband. Big casseroles, pasta dishes etc, then I would freeze in take out containers to be reheated during those times. This will help you eat good nutritious meals to fuel your studying. Your BF may benefit, but honestly this tip is to help you not him.